Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-28-21

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

Bill rambles about felony murder, the 'on' button, and fat angels.

Window go out Traditions and habits, so those are what we want So long as you are watching watchκKendiri two winner 0 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and

Just checking in on you I'm just checking in on you to see how the fuck you're doing. Hey, you know what? I was all excited to get this fucking Vaccine and all of that shit. Oh, I'm group one C one C over 50 Come on up and get it. I thought you got it and then that was it But now I'm here and you got to get it and you got to get another one and then they think maybe it's only good for a fucking year It's like oh you greedy cunts You know how many comedians have done bits about the last thing they've really cured was polio now look I know this thing is brand new

But you know that deal these guys are licking their chops going there is over seven billion people on the planet who need this shot We're gonna make a ton of money and then there was one other guy. What if What if they had to get it every year Seven billion Every year I don't know. Maybe maybe I don't know you got to get a flu shot every year. Maybe it's just like that I don't fucking know but I thought I was gonna go down. I was gonna get it. I was gonna be fine. I Don't know. What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do? It could be worse, right? It could be worse. It could always be worse. It could always be worse That's what I've learned. It could always be worse like right now You know what I mean as much as you were a fan of Donald Trump Okay, and you think that they took the election from him and he got fucked over and all as much as you thought that It could always be worse You could have gone down to DC and those fucking idiots

With their water buffalo lodge Fred Flintstone fucking hats Went in and killed the fucking cop and now you could have been there now Listen to what the fuck these these guys are doing Prosecutors way heavy hammer felony murder for rioters and capital officers police officers death now I understood that but listen to this shit as federal prosecutions File charges against rioters who took part in last Wednesday's violent takeover the US Capitol Investigators continue to gather evidence. Well, I guess this is an old article. Well, it's new to me Last week it was almost last month

Gather evidence in the death of Capitol police officer Brian Sicknick who died from injuries sustained during the attack while most murder investigations focus on the person or persons who caused the fatal injury former federal prosecutor Tim Herpe Hippie Hippie, I don't know said prosecutors could charge many rioters with felony murder even if they were nowhere near Sicknick See it could be that you could have been one of those law-abiding Trumpsters standing out there with the fucking sign yelling at the cops Why don't you go in there go do something good?

Still getting charged This can always can always be worse Can always be worse. That's that's what I learned this week You know when you finally fix the fucking wall in your backyard, right? They got to dig up a bunch of vegetation and then the next time it rains all the fucking dirt you have your own private mudslide It goes all over your fucking patio It always be worse Could have been you know, I don't know God forbid I could have been standing there

Well freckles buried up to his neck and dirt like the end of that fucking What was that movie there the guy buried the dude up in the sand waiting for the tide to come in and he's screaming I can hold my breath a really long time. I think it was the guy from airplane I wasn't at the Crip Keeper was at the Crip Keeper. They did a bunch of different ones. I don't fucking know anyways Anyway, you know, they should charge With something these federal prosecutors and these fucking assholes who jog in the street when there's a perfectly good fucking sidewalk They jog in the street like they're having their own little fucking if anybody knows like

Bicycle people on bikes and joggers are getting really aggressive. I don't know what that deal is It's fucking asshole he comes I'm like driving on the street this guy comes running out into the street like off a side street Like he's in a car. He's not even on a bicycle. He's just running down the street. It's like, why aren't you on the fucking sidewalk where you belong? Sorry, I know it shouldn't get to me like that. But why aren't you on the fucking side? This is a new me. I'm gonna be more calm. Hey, buddy Buddy, why aren't you on the fucking sidewalk where you belong you dumb cunt? Why can't they run on the fuck? There's a sidewalk. Why can't you be there? Why are you running in the fucking street you fucking moron? I don't want to turn my ankle, you know, it's a little more even surface really so you're gonna run in

Traffic with your back to people while they text and drive and then what are they gonna do? Frost your fucking jogging shorts after you died to leave it next to the fucking idiot who was riding a bike in Something that was called a bike lane that isn't Right it's fucking people on bikes can go fuck themselves Okay, I'm as I like to try and be green in all that type of shit these fucking assholes on bikes I've said it a million times. They don't obey the rules of the road. They're supposed to if you ride out in the street You're just like a car you got a signal when you turn you got to come to a full stop at a fucking stop sign I don't even do that, but these fucking assholes they blow right red lights stop signs all of this shit and then when they die

Then when they fucking die, what do they do? They frost the bike like they're a fucking war hero Here lies so and so he rode out in traffic and didn't stop at red lights Can you believe what assholes these people in cars are? Sorry it really isn't about these people. It's really about the fucking It's like somebody dug a swimming pool in my backyard, but there isn't one Then they just left the dirt. That's what the fuck happened Well over my patio I'll tell you right now people be careful what you wish for, you know

I'm really starting to see the genius of Those people who live in those little fucking Like they somehow turn a walk-in closet into like a house How insufferable is someone who lives in a fucking house like that You know, they have this big fucking ear-to-ear grin when you come walking in there Because they love being the center of attention, which is why they bought that little house to begin with no look If you're doing it for financial reasons, okay, you're off the hook But if you're fucking doing it to make a statement that you're a minimalist

Okay, that's great. I think it is a good thing. It is good for the fucking environment, but I don't want to come over I don't want to talk to you you come walking in there waiting to blow my mind at how little you can live with and be happy Be happy with you know Okay like I'm just picturing a guy with a beard and his hair pulled back in a ponytail and he's sort of saw that brilly-wee hair you know Looks like the drummer in faith no more except like Smarmy a smarmy version of that guy. That's why I picture when I walk in

He's not wearing a shirt with his dumb yoga body, you know, he's basically doing everything right and it's fucking annoying me You know, and then you're in that little house and you know, you can't You can't do anything you're just in that little house everybody's gonna see it if you have a fight It's gonna be like raised in Arizona. You're gonna come out the side of it If I didn't have kids I really think and I look at those things sometimes as I'm sitting here looking around my fucking office And over the years every gig I've done somebody gives me something somebody gives me this I get a free t-shirt and all this shit and the next thing you know Next thing, you know, you just have a mountain of fucking shit. I

Have so much shit framed. I Don't even know what the fuck to do. I don't know what to do with it and today I Go to the the fucking grocery store It's not a it's sort of a mom-and-pop one because it's owned by like a family It's weird. It's sort of a weird place where it's like It's mom-and-pop It's super healthy, but they don't like gay people It's in the valley. They got some shit for it

But they got the organic shit. So I go there right the fuck You know, I Like gay people, you know, I'm not straight across the board because there's assholes who happen to be gay You know what I mean, but I don't I don't dislike gay people is what I'm trying to say I didn't want to be like, oh, I like gay people and people say that I love the gays all of them Just just all they have to be is be gay because there's cons who happen to be gay happen to be gay, right? If you're cool, I like you that's the deal, but here's the thing too I also want to be in the shape of a gay dude. So I have to go to where these homophobic people

I don't have to but I So anyway, I go in there And as I'm going to leave You know, the lady puts the shit in the fuck in the bag and then she gives me another bag I go, what is that she goes? Oh, it's a little gift bag from the thing there, right? And what it is is it's either new products or shit that isn't selling well and they're hoping that I'm eating it And I'm gonna fucking like it It was like one thing that was edible

I just took a glance at it and then the other things were all like stuff you had to open this little fucking like that I'm not like a giant gift bag like a like, you know when you brown bagged your lunch It was like the size of that and I came over and I opened up like what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? What am I supposed to do with this? A couple of times I've entertained getting rid of almost everything I have but I'm too fucking sentimental But as I'm looking around this office, there's a whole bunch of shit. I'm thinking like I didn't need to buy that Why did I buy that? Like, you know, it's a bad one a bookshelf a

Bookshelf full of books. You probably didn't read most of them. And if you did you're not going back. I Have all of these books books that I love that I read So, you know someday I'll go back and read them again. You know what you don't You move on to the next thing and there it is. It's just sitting on your fucking shelf All right, this is getting dark, man. This is getting dark. That's why I'm starting to do podcasts with other people, man, you know Left alone to my own thoughts starts going a little sideways there Anyway Yeah, so I got a bunch of dirt my fucking backyard right now

And I have to fucking I don't know what I got to do with it Do we put it back and they probably we can plant some more stuff up there? Well, didn't we take that shit out because the shit you planted up there was fucking with the wall Does it just go around in a circle is that is that what happens? You know, I'm getting the last bit of the plumbing done and then my house is done. It's done and you know, it's like Buddy of mine said own in a house is it's like painting the fucking Golden Gate Bridge I said Al Madrigal said that I think that's what he said It's like painting the Golden Gate Bridge and what it is is they paint the Golden Gate Bridge and they never stop

And when they get all the way to one side, it's time to paint the other and they just keep that's all they do It's just paint that fucking thing I mean personally if I was the mayor of San Francisco, maybe I hire some more painters Get the fucking job done. You know, what are you like three guys working on that fucking thing? um Whatever So What did I do today today? Actually forgot I was so fucking busy. I forgot I forgot it was Thursday

So I apologize. I apologize that the podcast is so goddamn late. How about those Boston Bruins winning again in overtime? Brad Marshawn keeping scoring points keep scoring points at a miraculous clip Dude, we fucking have had more goddamn over overtime games and shootouts and I think we've won every single one of them um, let's see NHL leaders leaders Come on, Brad's got to be up there. He's got to be up there Statistic leaders. Okay, NHL. How hilarious is it that I'm going to ESPN who could give a fuck about hockey? um

All right offensive leader Connor McDavid He's got 12 Come on, where the fuck square's where's marshawn? He's got to be top five. He has to be He's tied for ninth Look the fuck's in copetar copetar having a great fucking year this late in his career. Look at this. He's got 10 points marshawn's got nine copetars got 10 Connor McDavid Mitchell Marner

Nicolage I don't know who the fuck that is Leon Drysidle, of course He has 11 points Edmonton Toronto Winnipeg Edmonton Look at that one two three four The top four scores in a league are in canada and this year because of covet Only the canadian teams are only playing each other. So you got some of the top scores

So they must they read they got the best players up there. They got some shitty up in canadou marshawn bow Horvitt I don't know who half of these fucking guys are. All right. We got a brewing in the top nine I like it. I like it. Um What is that that's points Fucking espn. I swear to god points all players Can we just say goals and assists? All right, I'm going to the nhl

nhl.com nhl.com That's offensively goals. All right Here we go Mike Redmond Max packer pack already Carter mcdavid mitch marnell Where's marshawn?

What the fuck is he? All right, he's got a lot of assists. All right, go fuck yourselves Um, oh, there he is. He's got four goals five assists There we go All right, I'm sorry plowing ahead Um, oh my god. I lost my shit again last night I don't lose it as bad as I used to but I I'm losing it I I feel like I'm starting to go back with the frequency of it. Um, I had a bunch of

Fuck I was supposed to get that fucking motherfucking print ink from my printer We have a fucking printer in my house people. I'm just bitching today. We got a printer in my fucking house I never use it. I so don't use the fucking thing that whenever I have to I have to reintroduce my computer to it. I have to go online. I got to figure out how to re-sync it up, right? And I got to tell you every single fucking time I go to use it I hit, you know, I'm in the other room You know, my wife's always printing out shit, right? So I fucking hit print and I hear the thing turn on

And then it invariably stops after a page or two and I get over there and either it's out of ink Or it's out of paper Right So last night It it, you know, I go to hit print. I'm in the other room. I come walking and there's like one piece of fucking paper left Okay So I'm like, Jesus fucking christ. Why won't she put more fucking paper in this thing? Right. Well, I get it because what she does is she just does the job and then she moves forward

She continues on and leaves a trail of clues of what she's been doing. That's that's what she does, right? So Like, all right, fuck it. I open it up. We got paper. Good. I put the paper and I hit resend. Okay It's like 30 pages of shit, right? It gets through about four and a half five and then stops And it needs ink and I'm like, Jesus fucking christ. So I open up the mother Fucking cocksucking credenza thing and I open it up and in there is like five five things of computer ink, right And I open it up the first one's color. I need black and white. I open up the next one. It's color

I open up the third one. It's color. I open up the fourth one. It's color. There's one more left I'm like, please Because you know the deal You know the deal over there fucking these fucking Printering people you can't just buy the black and white one because nobody needs the color one. They make you fucking buy both Okay, here you go. You got these fucking federal prosecutors They're gonna try to prosecute somebody for murder that didn't even go into the fucking capital building just held a fucking sign All right, but these corporate cunts can do this shit

Was the oceans are all fucking polluted and it's fucking 85 degrees out in december in la now What the fuck right no these guys can these guys can get away with fucking murder Right fucking murder. So now I just fucking When I opened the last one it was funny I open up the last one And I see that it's color and I just go oh, what the fuck and then I hear way upstairs my daughter who's already been I just hear go

Yeah, that's a bad word I'm like, you're right, buddy. I'm sorry So I went upstairs You know trying to control my breathing and I just Asked my wife about it and of course she was just like, oh, I don't know. I don't know why there wasn't any paper in there I go, well, what about the ink? She goes well, it was working fine when When the last time I used it And that's the best I'm ever gonna get

Because I could then go okay. Well, who was the last one who changed the last you know the ink And then look it back. I was like, you know, it was probably me She was probably using and then I did it and meant to made a mental note to buy the fucking ink So, you know, it was probably my fucking fault anyways, like, you know, I keep bitching about how my fucking tv doesn't work Like it keeps getting fucked up. I we finally figured out what the problem was. It was me Because when I would turn it on I would hit menu Cable and then I would hit on I hit the on button So my wife was laughing. She goes you don't hit the on button. I go well, then how do you turn it on?

She goes you just hit menu and the direct tv button I go when you turn when do you hit the on button? She goes you don't To turn it on you don't hit the on button, you know, here we go first base, right again She's like no, you don't hit the on button. You just hit menu and direct tv I go so when do I hit on she goes never So I'm like, well, then how do I shut it off? She goes you hit menu and you hit off I go do I have to hit menu direct tv off? She goes no, you just hit menu you hit off I go so to turn it off I hit off but to turn it on I never hit on she goes no

And I was like, well, what the fuck is there an on button for? She goes, I don't know So with that hilarious conversation I have been using my tv and it's come on every single fucking time After I yelled at this fucking tv I yelled at this tv Like it was a person That wronged me

For 20 years and I just found out that's the way I was yelling at this fucking tv You guys probably think I'm the biggest fucking asshole ever to live with and you'd be right So I learned all of this shit And like the last week And it's been fantastic Because my son unfortunately last couple nights has not been sleeping well So I've been like up all night

Not up all night, but just getting up every two three hours, which has been You know It's you know, it's not fun. So, uh I have to sleep downstairs because he's been sleeping in the bed with my wife And there's just not room for the three of us You know, so I just go downstairs and I I leave my phone on And um I leave my phone on and because nobody's gonna text me after midnight, you know and

Really at this point because no comedians are working nobody even texts me after 10 So I just leave it on and then I just go to sleep and then that awful ding sound happens And then I sit up like try to make that time to make the dough unless I go up and I change this diaper and everything um So anyway The fuck was I what was that leading to? Oh, yeah, no, so I've been downstairs and I'm able to turn the tv on I still have to have the lights on so so it can so the tv the smart tv realizes that somebody's in the fucking room at night

Right, so I have to turn the lights on and then the screen comes up then I shut it off But then everything else no I turn it on and then I shut off the lights and everything has been working finally Finally So whatever so I was probably wrong with the printer, but I was supposed to get the fucking goddamn printer into ink today And I forgot to it's annoying It's fucking annoying I don't know there's a staples out here in the valley that I fucking used to go to all the time and uh It's just fucking closed

And um I'm starting to I'm starting to realize like It's just everything is just going to be online. Is that how it is you never go out to a store? I mean how many fucking packages are you going to get used to go out and you know Just making you know you run your errands you do the little fucking loop It's what a god man I don't know but you know something old people always bitch about shit and I'm I'm no fucking different Let me do some reads here

Let me do a little bit of advertising reads and I'll tell you how much I suck at flying a fucking hell And I suck today flying I just we did some like hover autos Which is Just sort of different muscle memory You know You roll down Right roll down and then it kicks to the right so you go left pedal Pedal settle and then collective

And then we went to go do autos and then it took me forever to get those things Then I got that down and then we went to go do autos and I didn't know what the fuck I was doing for like three of them and then I figured it out. I was able in the end to finally Kind of put all these pieces together, but I'm finding that I'm gonna have to solo more Just so like because I think when you fly with somebody else you become like dependent on them You just you know, he'll make the radio call or something blah blah blah blah. I need to be doing that more so I really Kind of just let the first half of my lesson go and I just focused On the way back was just like, all right, I'm gonna stay at 1900 feet the whole fucking way

All right, I'm not going to go up or down, you know more. I mean it was kind of windy So I'd go up or down 20 or 30 feet either way, but I kept it kind of where it was at We did a little bit of instrument training flying to like vor and stuff like that But uh, I just need to fly a little more frequently and I think I'll have this thing down because my quick stops and everything got better So anyway, um, all right romans Two reads romans a healthy life includes a healthy sex life But if you struggle with erectile dysfunction, you may not feel like you you're your best self If you just want to help with erectile dysfunction

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Uh slash burr Is that the website? Yeah, get roman g-e-t-r-o m-a-n dot com slash burr Uh, that's it. All right Okay Viomi Viome viome helps you take control of your health Why don't I keep saying like biomi or biome? I don't know what the fuck that is either. I'm looking this up

I I am so sick of mispronouncing shit on this thing All right, b-i-o-m-e pronunciation There we go ready Viome, okay. I got it. All right. I got it. All right. Viome Hey, you broke it cherry. You finally said it right. All right. Viome viome helps you take control of your health care So you can improve your energy gut health and boost your immune system health. How does it work? Test what you are your Body slash cells actually doing

Test what your body slash cells are actually doing it just says actually doing gives you complete nutrition plan Create your custom supplement i.e. Bill's personal one-a-day vitamin with only the ingredients he needs at his specific doses based on his test Cut out all the shit he doesn't need or that could be hurting him. It's the perfect supplement. I have to fucking do this This seems like the easiest way to stay in shape. You know exactly What your body reacts to positively and what exactly what it doesn't? Viome has partnered with the mayo clinic Mayo like mayo nays mayo clinic united health like the airlines united health and kaiser Like kaiser sosa

So say a sosa and is used by olympic gold medalists and elite professional athletes Are you saying that olympic gold medalist is not an elite professional athlete? Viome will tell you how specific foods affect you You may be eating too much or not eating enough for what your body needs Viome can you imagine if you did the test and it said you know what you need to eat more ice cream you be like, ah The fucking rules viomes phone application lets you get these answers on demand Questions about food just check the app go to viome.com to get your unique insights for better health and wellness Use the promo code bird to save 55

On your first plan purchase. This is the best discount anywhere. They're giving it to us special for bill You guys got to do it. You got to do it get in the best shape of your life in 2021 Get vaccinated and all of that crap hit the ground running With your abs and your your fucking lungs that are that are not there to covid free How about that? You know, I think that's the last thing I haven't seen that I thought was bad for me that people said was good You know, I like all of a sudden out of nowhere people started like pouring melted butter into their coffee I think rogan was telling me about that. I was like butter. Isn't that bad? No, it was a lie

You know So that's kind of cool. Who doesn't like butter? I fucking love butter I fucking love it um I think that's the last thing that I haven't seen like like, you know The atkins diet all of a sudden people sitting there with handfuls of bacon. You just look at him like you sure about that Don't protein. I can eat much protein vegetables as they like as long as I don't have bread I can eat all this greasy bacon and I'll be fine. You just sitting there looking at him like

I don't think that's right, but I'm not a nutritionist. So good on you, right? The next diet they got to do the dairy industry has to figure out a way Where they can fudge the numbers and lie to people And tell them that ice cream is going to get him abs Now there is a fuck, you know as long as you only eat celery sticks Dude, I'm on the the rocky road celery stick diet I have a big bowl of ice cream to start my day and in between I eat celery sticks And then I have ice cream sundae for lunch

Then I have some more celery and then I have a banana split for dinner and I go to bed I am so fuck I have wild dreams, but I am so fucking happy It's like it's my birthday three times a day What is your guy's idea heaven My idea of heaven is I can get I just want to get a fucking hammered And smoke cigars And eat bad food and not be a fat angel

But then again you could be a fat angel because it's heaven No one would make funny and you could still have a supermodel fucking Angel blowing you because it's heaven right isn't heaven Your idea what heaven is You could ride a fucking motorcycle never wipe out or if you did you wouldn't die because you're already dead But you wouldn't wipe out it's heaven It's fucking hilarious my idea going to heaven is just fucking getting hammered and have materialistic things It's fucking hilarious do people go to a minimalist house to trick-or-treat

I mean you got to be thinking like I mean that could go either way It's like this guy's either gonna give me one m&m or he's just gonna fucking give me a bag of m&m's in his stereo because he has no fucking room for He's a minimalist He wants to get it out of the house All right, I'm gonna go watch the Bruins everybody. Um, sorry if I was a little grumpy today I just uh, I haven't gotten a lot of sleep this week. I'm hoping my little champ. I love him to death You know he just he when I tell you a kid just smiles with his whole face

and um He's like crawling like 90 miles an hour now. So now he's like playing with my daughter Crawled up or on top of her when they were on the bed and she was like laughing He like likes the rough house already. He's he's all boy, man. It's gonna be great and um I'm gonna have so much fun with them Which is why I need to use go to that viome and figure out what's good for me

So I can stay in shape so I can keep up with them. That's my goal. All right Okay, that's the podcast. Thank you guys for listening Please enjoy the music picked out by the great Andrew Temmless. We will have a A bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast after the music and uh Have a great football this weekend Maybe watch a little bit of hoop or some hockey February is coming up moto gp is coming f1's coming a lot of great stuff is on the way on the horizon

I went hey, you know what? I was flying the heli today. Uh I saw a bunch of people in line to get vaccinated Some place which was which was cool. So people are out there doing it. Um Oh my god Can you dare to think of it all going back to normal? How fucking fun would that be? Just sitting in traffic again. I don't mind sitting in traffic now because I just listened to french lessons And You know, I know I always sound like I'm out of my fucking mind

But I think this one was particularly I was a little sideways on this one. Sorry lack of sleep. I apologize. God bless all you Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. You're constant. I'll talk to you one day Oh Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday january 28th 2013 uh, I apologize for it being uh this late And I'm gonna pause for all the truly angry people out there. Oh, yeah, whatever. Where you the fuck?

Um, let them get that out of their system. Oh, you know One of the key things you got to figure out in life is who you're really mad at You know, are you really mad at me? You never met me? I haven't done nothing to you um I apologize. I had a crazy friggin weekend now last I talked to you Unless you're new to the podcast and if you're new welcome Huh, look at me

I'd say I'm borderline jovial at this point. Welcome to the monday morning podcast um Last I spoke with you. I was on my way to hawaii And I was going to go to the pro bowl Then initially I was going to stay there for a week, but uh, I ended up getting some acting work, which is great So I had to cut it short and tell the lovely near that I couldn't take it to hawaii I'll have to do it next time and basically I was going to go out there I was going to do my show at the republic

And then I was going to go to the pro bowl the next day, you know Then go look at a volcano whatever the fuck I was going to do when I was going to fly back But at least I was going to do that and um I ended up, uh getting another acting gig on monday And I know what you're thinking. Jesus bill Hey, you're acting all over the place You know, and you know what? No, I'm not No, I'm not

I'm not It's just this business knows It it knows when you when you're planning to do something fun You know, I don't have any fun plans next month No vacations not water skiing. I'm not taking that that uh that needle point class that I've had my eye on I don't have any fun plans next month And you know what I have for acting worth I got shit I got nothing

This fucking goddamn business it saw it felt it felt it in the universe. Oh, look at billy redface Oh freckle face himself. He's gonna go to the islands go to a game. Have a good time. Yeah, go fuck yourself There's a couple acting gigs You go out there you do just stand up gig. All right, you go to bed you get on a plane you fucking come right back Nothing for you. That's what I did this weekend I worked Friday night Saturday. I got on a fucking plane by myself All right And I'm sitting there, you know when you fly to hawaii

I've never done this before they have like on the monitors. They're playing the music. They already got the music going Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, who could do Right Whatever the fuck they kept playing that shit You're you already feel like you're in hawaii And I'm sitting there like an asshole. I'm looking around everybody's got their wife or their girlfriend, you know Or whatever their fantasy football fucking handjob boyfriend, whatever the fuck they got whatever the hell it is When guys all go on a vacation and they're not in their 20s

Whatever the fuck that's called the we're sick of our fucking wives vacation. I don't know what it is And I'm sitting there like an asshole, right? So I fly out there crack a dawn fly out there and uh I can't even remember the fucking weekend Yeah, Nia didn't give me a ride. So it must have been really early. We kind of have this deal if it's Too early. I just jumped in a cab. So I took a cab

To the airport got on the fucking plane flew out there landed And you know, because I wasn't bringing my girl is just like fuck it. I'll stay at whatever I'll stay at the cheapest place out of the three that were so given to me, right? So and I show up to this fucking place. It's like I show up. I'm the only guy like Under the age of like 78 there It's just a bunch of fucking old people and there's an ihop built into the place And there's like a fucking homeless guy

It just I felt like I was staying in like the port authority section Of hawaii and what makes it worse is I got there at 12 noon and my room wasn't ready until 3 So now I'm sitting there like this fucking asshole And I'm like adamant. I'm not going to the ihop. They have those on the mainland I want to do some island shit and the fucking 12 hours that I'm going to be here And there was a diner on the corner And I went there And I I'm standing there's like fucking 12 people in line. I mean you gotta be shitting me, right?

This is just the stupid touristy place There's fucking candy wrappers on the ground before I even go in there There's the rhesus wrapper on one side. There's the cup from the rhesus cup like somebody just fucking just ripped it open Like just it was such force the rhesus cup went up in the air. He fired both Fucking parts of the package Partons port and starboard and then just gulped it down as he ran out not paying for it or whatever It looked like there was some so somebody got mugged who had some candy You know

So I'm sitting there going this is a fucking shithole, but I don't have a car and I'm like fucking I'm gonna stay right So I go there and I ordered this thing that evidently was a Hawaiian dish and just turned out to be a burger patty with some gravy and some eggs And I'm sitting there eating it by myself Mind you I can't go to the pro bowl now because I have to fly right the fuck back And uh I'm sitting there and all of a sudden this guy taps me on on my shoulder. I look over and he goes Hey, excuse me. He goes. What what are you eating? That looks delicious? I look at the guy and I'm like, I know this fucking guy. Who is this guy?

He looked like a mix between hulk hogan and triple h. So I kept thinking is this guy a fucking wrestler And then I told him I go I don't want the name of the dishes But just say hamburger patty with eggs and and gravy and they'll get it to and he laughed and he goes Hey, thanks and he walked away and I sat there for five minutes And I was like fuck that was kevin green former pittsburgh stealer swear to god. I'm 90 sure it was him So that was the one cool thing that happened to me Somebody who I think was kevin green asked me what I was eating. I told him I didn't know what the name of it was he laughed and he left

And then I ate that shit And they go do you want dessert? It's like no, I don't want dessert But I still have two hours and 15 minutes to kill before my fucking room's ready. So bring it on lady What do you got? What do you got? You got some hukilao fucking hukamuka muka fucking ice cream because I want it I want to do something hawaiian Because I'm leaving in fucking 12 hours, right? So They got this hawaiian fried ice cream and immediately I'm thinking well, isn't that just what you know, mexicans do that, right?

Is this is the same shit? So whatever I never had fried ice cream before so yeah, let me let me get the fried ice cream. Fuck it And I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there as old ladies Looking like this chick look like she looked like you know like whenever they interview people Who are still alive that are in like alfred hitchcock movies? Like that chick from the birds or maybe the chick from psycho. That's what she looked like, but like courage now she's sitting there You know, she's uh, you know an old redhead and I'm like is that what I'm gonna look like except like the male version

This is what I'm thinking about in paradise You know paradise sitting in some shit fucking diner this is all stuff They don't show you on the brochure by the way sitting in some shit fucking diner and uh so By the way, the food was delicious. I gotta tell you this it was delicious, but it was a dump um So that's like 15 minutes go by I'm like it's fucking ice cream

What are you doing? Just scoop it out of the thing and I'm like are they really frying this? How do you fry it without melting it? This is the dumbest podcast ever so they finally bring it over It's this big goop of fucking shit, and it's just surrounded by this moat of whipped cream You know and I ate the whole fucking thing out of sheer like trying to kill time It's probably like 3 000 calories plus I had a burger with gravy Gravy on it With two eggs over easy All of it delicious all of it a wonderful thing to eat if you're fucking 14 years old

But if you're 44 It's not a good scene. So anyways, I finally get into the uh the hotel Now we have a package for you. Look at the package. It's the package I look at the package and it's the fucking pro bowl tickets that I'm not going to and I hand them over to my buddy Uh fucking rose bowl legend Jason Lawhead He takes them out They're like glowing like that shit in pulp fiction and I'm like and I'm in my head I'm like dude. You got to put those things away. I didn't say it. I was like, oh, that's great, man

Have a great time. I heard they're great. See you fucking cook um So whatever Oh, I forgot this part I come walking out of the the diner And that homeless guy I saw sitting there Who looked like Kenny Rogers if you never got the plastic surgery and like lived outside Since the Nixon administration, right? He's sitting there and when I come out, there's a security guard there, you know, no gun

No authority. He's just sent out there baby face. He's like fucking 21 years old And I could see the his body language like ah Jesus Christ, right? And all I hear is the homeless guy like now I'm not leaving Send me to jail. I'm not because I don't want to And you see the kid like dude, I really don't want to fight You think I want to do this job somebody sent me out of here and I'm just and I just start fucking laughing to myself Because I for some reason I didn't think I was good, you know I'm going to Hawaii. I feel like I'm going to paradise. It's not going to be homeless people here

It's fucking paradise, right? And and it was the same shit the same shit I was in air in an area. I felt like I was going to get mugged I found out later that there's a bunch of hookers in that area. I was like we talked about there's a bunch of uh People with kids They're like no no at night at night. They all come out and I was just like You know, how did they get out there? You know, how many dicks did they suck

To get out there and like how many fucking uh, I don't know. Hey spirit some change. How long were you begging? Somebody tried to tell me that cities put their homeless guys on planes and fly them out there Like they said they called it a rainbow project and I didn't believe that for a fucking second And I didn't give a shit if you send me documented proof There's no fucking way you get a crazy homeless guy and all his funk on a fucking plane You know, they can still refuse your service There's no way he's coming on there with his fucking horrific feet In elbows and all that, you know, there's no way

There's no way and plus the guy's gonna fucking have a seizure by the time he gets there from alcohol withdrawal You know those amstels they sell on the plane aren't gonna help them But you know what I think it is, you know, I think it's just being around the beach like a beach bum There's something about being around the beach like yeah, I'll get to it tomorrow You know Yeah, did I did I pay rent? I can't remember. I can't see all your homeless. Yeah, you know, I give a fuck weather's nice Sleep under a palm tree, you know

I don't I wasn't even there long enough. So I did my show At this place the republic republic and it was the shit crowd was fucking awesome sold out. Thank you to everybody who came out I'm definitely coming back. It was some of the best energy I've had at a show since I can remember people were so psyched that somebody from the mainland Flew his pasty ass all the way out there. I ran to one guy. He like flew over from another island Um And it was like it was locals It wasn't torus and I found the couple of times I've performed on islands people who live on islands are fucking cool as hell

you know I did a gig on nantucket Last year, you know, and I met a you know fishermen and people who were there year round Through all the weather and all that shit. It's just uh, they're good people man. So I had a great time there Uh finished my show You know hoard myself out sold the dvd smiling and waving I had two beers went back to the hotel slept for four and a half five hours Got on a fucking plane and flew right back. Oh wait, wait. I bought a magnet

To prove Like technically I can't even say I was there because I didn't do anything I did walk down to the beach for half a second and took a picture of myself Which evidently is called a selfie I learned that on chelsea paredi's twitter. It's called the selfie I took one of those with a mountain in the background sort of for the bunch of buildings And uh, but you know the upside was uh It sold out the crowd was awesome. I'm definitely going to come back

And uh, I think that there is going to be another pro bowl because uh, I guess the game was was you know A bunch of scoring they were sort of hitting And I think the nfl was just sort of threatening the players like hey Quit fucking dogging the entire game because it's an embarrassment to the league you know How about a mild concussion can you give that up for the league just so we can keep this thing going, you know So it isn't a total fucking embarrassment or whatever. I had a great time when I was out there the uh I don't know what the fuck I landed at 12. I left the next morning at five

What is that 17 hours? Oh jesus Um Yeah, then I flew back. I did a fucking acting gig Well, they put some glued some shit to my face did that this morning and then I flew fucking back here and now I'm doing my podcast and uh Nia was giving me shit. You're gonna do the podcast now You know how they do that like she

You know women are great. They just want to hang out If you would if you just do it with them like she actually there's actually a reality show that she's watching right now that I I can watch Because it's a bunch of I don't know You know, it's a bunch of morons, but they're morons that I can relate to Um, all right. What are we doing here? I gotta make sure I do the fucking advertising. I kind of screwed this up last week. Um All right, everybody a little bit of advertising here on the Monday morning podcast legal zoom

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Fucking super ball dude, who do you like? This is what i'm doing for the super bowl All right I have to work the day of the super bowl believe it or not All right old twinkle toes It's finishing up an acting gig here and speaking of acting gigs Um, I have a movie coming out or there's a movie coming out that i'm in. It's not my movie. It's a movie I'm happy to be in it's called stand-up guys comes out february 1st

All right stars al Pacino christopher walken and alan arkin Huh an old billy red face is walking by in the background for a couple of scenes do not blink you will miss me But you remember back in april the last year when the podcast was late and everybody was giving me a ton of shit about it And I said you wait in eight fucking months I'm gonna have the greatest excuse ever I was late that day because I was in a scene With uh al Pacino and christopher walken. All right, so go fuck yourself. That's why it was late How do you like that? How do you like them apples?

Huh? I'm a boston guy. Can I say that? I grew up in the suburbs. You can only say that if you're from southie anyways, um I'll be working on the day of the super bowl, but I don't give a shit because uh In my limited wisdom, I think I've figured out How to watch the super bowl All right, not only do you watch it by yourself? Okay, it's the most important game of the year. It's for the championship. These fucking guys. They're playing a game

Wait, they're gonna die I hope all the rugby people are paying attention to the level of concussions. All right there leading with your shoulders and no pads Not saying you're not tough. Okay I think this finally proves that american football Is the most psycho fucking sport there is not psycho sport, but you know what I mean I Would even say it's tough for them rugby both sports are tough But like the whole thing that english people and they always say that oh, they got helmets on their fucking pussies

All the helmet does is make you think that you're protected and you use it as a weapon But your fucking brain's in there in the fucking water and it's slamming all over your head And then when you're 40 you shoot yourself in the chest You know so s s scientists can fucking look at your brain and figure what's going on in there Do rugby people do that at 40? I don't think you do I think you're still running around out on the pitch with the fucking masking tape around your ears as far as my research goes Sorry, every once in a while I gotta wake those cunts up um

So anyways, this is how i'm gonna watch the super bowl You got to watch it by yourself You got to get away from the fucking The the the all the broads that come over including the the fucking guy broads You know the ones who don't watch football and they just show up for the dip and they're they're there with the fucking chicks They're trying to get laid in your fucking house is basically what they're doing They talk during the game and they shut up during the commercial and then when the game comes back on they're like I didn't like that one. I thought that was good. How much do you think that cost?

Right and meanwhile you can't even watch the fucking game and then every fucking year They got to have some wailing whore or some agent fucking rock star with hair plugs Come out there for one last fucking swing at glory So this is what you do And people invite you to the suey. What are you doing for the soup ball? And ah, you know what? I'm um, I'm going. I got this thing. I gotta do Uh, yeah, I gotta go out in the woods

Come up with something Or just just You know what? Why do you gotta lie? I'm watching it by myself Why are you gonna do that because I want to watch the game That's why all right. So now you've eliminated all the cunts that are that that are gonna be in your living room now That's stage one of the cunt removal stage two is to get rid of the cunts. You don't want to see

That are on the television and this is the most important part You record the fucking game I know a lot of people already do this shit, but there's people who don't okay So just bear with me. You record the fucking game You shut off your fucking cell phone You don't answer your phone. You don't go on your computer All right And you just as as the whole rest of the world is watching somebody lip-sync some prerecorded fucking

Whatever the fuck they do right and the fucking just go right over the fucking top, you know What do you get downstairs spackling a wall? Wait for that red that pink spackle to turn white so you can sand that fuckered down, right? Put a little goddamn paint on it. Nobody knows Nobody knows from last year when you punched the wall because that fucking douche wouldn't shut up during the game And he was double dipping you fucking put your hand through the wall fix that thing patch that hole in the wall Is everybody is watching hui lewis in the news went Bad at that try to fucking kick off the game whoever the fuck they got this year, right?

They got Beyonce is gonna sing Whatever hell she's gonna do the whole halftime She shouldn't be there unless she's watching the why is she out there? What's she gonna do you know let there a little glitter hot pants? you know I don't want to see that shit. So what you do is you just let the game go Let it go for a good. I don't know 90 minutes two hours Then you sit down

Like you control the universe Like your jesus walking on the water except you're sitting in your fucking chair And you turn that fucking run And you hit fast forward one two three four and you watch all the talking heads and then you fucking you're watching fast mosin Adam and the ants or whoever the fuck they have opening up Maybe metallicus singing a fucking tom petty song. Maybe tom petty's there with them and that fucking uh What it hell's his name there lou reed. Maybe he's out there singing a who the fuck knows that seems to be the thing Do you have the old people first?

Then you get some young hottie During halftime sitting there with the tits hanging out. Isn't that what you do? That's america Um, you fast forward to all that fucking shit in the beginning And you just get right to the kickoff and you just watch the game at your leisure At your fucking leisure and then you know what happens after the first half And they start wheeling that big dumb fucking stage out there And every douchebag wherever had a fucking dream of dancing is fucking you just taking up a whole football field of fucking

singers and dancers The most unfootball fucking thing you could possibly have You know and everybody who talked during the first half, they're all shutting up They're sitting there on their fucking knees two feet from your fucking Breathing on your flat screen You know like it's the beginning of the mickey mouse club and they got their fucking ears on You fast forward through all of that shit And you just go right and then you know what happens is you never lose the flow of the game

now Before you know it. Why don't you invite a couple people over who want to do it that way? People who want to shut the fuck up real fans And I suggest this if you want to sound intelligent To the people that you're going to watch the game with I highly recommend buying the sports illustrated this week that has both Of the hard brother hard ball brothers. How the fuck you say their names on the cover? Um, both phenomenal coaches, obviously they're there in the Super Bowl and god damn it. They both of them If their teams didn't fuck up, I know it's a big if

49ers didn't drop three fucking punts or whatever they held it did last year And uh, you know what the Ravens did What they missed a fucking extra point or something I came it was like a chip shot Um, that that would have been back to back years with them Who knows they want they both would have gone and then they would have partied too much and then they would have sucked this year That's what happens, but whatever Um anyways, so they got this great article where they they break down The game at a level that I wish I could I I knew more of

Um They got this thing in there remember the number one. Uh, what the fuck his name was gonna say hammerlick Been watching too much fucking hockey What's the name of the uh Cam Cameron the fuck's the name of the quarterback? Kaepernick What's his name chris Kaepernick chip Kaepernick Uh creepy Kaepernick, whatever the fuck his name is the guys the shit. You know when he was running wild

Like fucking Hulk Hogan against the uh green Bay Packers Basically he was uh, they would they were breaking down that play Trying to see if they would be able to run it and they it's called the the zone read And they run it out of the the pistol alignment. How cool is that? Which is basically the shotgun formation But you're closer to the center so they call it the pistol alignment. You got a tail back right behind you and this is what happens You hike the ball quarterback turns around he puts the ball right in the fucking bread basket Of the tailback and right there he does his zone read which basically means he looks at that defensive end of the linebacker

Who's supposed to seal off the edge? And he basically does a quick read if the fucking guy holds his ground He just hands the continues handing the ball off to the fucking tailback But if the fucking guy on the end bites on it and starts to pinch in you pull it back and you fucking run around You run around the side There you go That's called a zone read from the pistol alignment and the point where you're holding the ball Almost giving it to tailback, but not really, but maybe you're gonna that's called the mesh point

I wish I knew this shit. I really did but they have like 10 pages on this shit talking about the ravens defense their running game Uh was absolutely fascinating so much better Than watching uh espn And watching harm edwards screaming or that guy with the hair and the cold pizza yelling, you know, you know He always sucked in gym class. He reeks of it Reeks of it. He looks like he's good at like rich white guy sports like, uh I'd say polo, but he's so fucking short. He probably fall off the horse trying to hit that ball

I think maybe a badman. There you go badman maybe he's good at badman But uh, this is like everything you want to know without the screaming and yelling And i'm really being a nerd right now because i'm basically saying the book is better than the movie, but uh, I highly recommend Reading that shit and then watching the game by yourself and seeing if you can pick up the pistol alignment The zone read the pistol alignment, you know I don't know that type of shit excites me. Don't you want to know what the cover two is? For once in your life, don't you wish you could watch football these fucking assholes playing fantasy football and fucking with their

Faces two inches from the goddamn screen memorizing stats. Wouldn't you want to be up in the stands? Being able to see what each team is doing and how teams are adjusting like last week it was like Or two weeks ago when the 49ers were obviously they were down like 14 nothing or something crazy and all of a sudden It just stopped and they came back Neighbors go cappernick cappernick. I mean this fucking article and the uh one of the offensive coordinators Or the 49ers like nah, you know after you know about a quarter quarter and a half We kind of saw what they were doing and then we adjusted to it

And you're like, oh, that's what happened I just thought the momentum changed magic like I watch it. It's such a I'm a ball watcher. I hate it I hate that I am I wish I could sit up in the stands and be like, oh, it's a fucking, you know I don't know any other defense other than cover two I love him. What's his face? I actually hate it when gruden starts talking about the defenses and stuff They got eight guys in the books And they start throwing out this terminology. It's like, why don't you fucking tell me what it means? You know

I don't know bill. Why don't you utilize the internet and fucking look it up? I'm sure there's a youtube video about it Okay, you got me So anyways, that's how i'm watching the uh, that's how i'm watching the super bowl Thoughts anyone Anybody is this even remotely fucking interesting? I don't I don't you know, whatever you know my policy I always tape in the morning I never tape on days when I flew on a fucking plane, but I had no choice because I had to fly today All right, um, all right last piece of advertising for this week. E voice everybody

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Back to the podcast here, uh What else did I want to talk about? Oh, I saw a good documentary this week This is more me reminiscing about my week Sort of a verbal diary audio diary um I saw this, uh New documentary on ginger baker Which is funny. I used to listen to when I was growing up ginger baker and I thought it was just a nickname. This is before

ginger that term Jump the ocean and came over here uh From ireland scotland in england He was a redheaded dude ginger baker or whatever. So the name of this podcast podcast the name of this uh documentary Is beware of mr. Baker And I don't care if you play drums or not. There's no way you're not going to enjoy this. This guy's one of the most interesting human beings I've ever seen in my life

You guys think i'm a crabby old fucking man. You got to see this guy And He trashes john bonham He trashes him and I'm going to say what he says here in about five seconds So fast forward if you don't want me to ruin it But uh for those of you who don't play drums nobody trashes john bonham unless you're just some troll Trying to piss people off on the internet. It's like He's he's the fucking king as far as rock drummers go the guy's the king

It's you know, there's definitely the who's better bonham or pert and they argue but nobody ever says that bonham sucks If you're just being a douche but ginger baker actually he said They asked him what he thought about john bonham And I guess people trash him on the internet because there's so many cunts there But anytime you ever ask a drummer a rock drummer about john bonham They all just in hush tones speak of the power His swing his feel his subtlety his originality

His it the triplets the single bass drum the whole fucking thing And ginger baker said john bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit It was one of the fucking I my jaw was almost on the ground I couldn't fucking believe it and I just burst it out laughing I've never To hear somebody who's considered a god just dismissed like that And then even like Clapton he didn't shit on bonham But like Clapton they were like, you know, how do you compare bonham to ginger baker?

And he was just like oh no, no, he's like, you know, it's not even basically it's not even a contest Ginger baker was a fully formed musician A composer and and and all this type of stuff I don't know it just for me. I don't like I mean, I've actually looked at photos online and considered Blowing them blown up and hanging them in my house of john bonham. That's like what I think of him And just to hear somebody just, you know

Basically, he's like my lance Armstrong Like, you know something like from my lance Armstrong moment, you know, those people got all disappointed like, what do I tell my kids? My lance Armstrong moment would be if I found out that in the studio In the studio, he actually played a double pedal or a double bass drum Now, I know a lot of you guys are going to show that picture of him with the double bass drum set up I know the story behind that that was all When he first got the kit Um, when what's his face hooked him up with that? This is so fucking inside at this point

You'd have to be a drummer too even like any of this Carmine apasy Carmine apasy or A pc i've had like 58 different pronunciations of their last name He had a deal with Ludwig and I think bonham initially was playing slinger lance And Carmine got him in with Ludwig and he got the same setup that Carmine had So he had the double bass and he brought it to like one rehearsal And the other guys in the band just kept taking the other bass drum out Just going you don't need it. It's cluttering up everything. Um

I really can't imagine him playing a double bass drum set. He would have fucking Drowned out the whole goddamn band Um But whatever and anybody thinks he doesn't have a fast for it. Just watch him at royal albert hall in 1970 And then you can go fuck yourself But evidently ginger baker says he couldn't swing a sack of shit, which just killed me Um, if you just want to see a fucking angry redhead Playing drums because I haven't made any drum videos yet

This is the guy this is the real deal. Um, it's called uh, beware of mr. Baker Underrated Listening to ginger baker for a fucking hour and a half. It was awesome And then I actually watched some of the the comeback shows that they had the one at royal albert hall and he was fucking unbelievable Drums just sounded amazing An incredible player Uh, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's just how he lives his life going broke and just moving on from relationships Um, really an amazing documentary. So

Anyways with that, let's get to some of your questions here. I feel like I've been running my mouth here for fucking almost 40 minutes here Um bill heard you love drinking. Hey man heard you love to drink And I agree drinking is great, but I haven't been handling my liquor too well of late I've been getting blackout drunk every night for a while now except for a week What Did you black out drunk when you wrote this? I've been get I've been getting blackout drunk every night for a while now Except for a week. Maybe a month here and there. Okay. There we go. That was on me Sorry

When I want to remember things that have actually happened and not just night terrors any tips on drinking semi responsible Um, I really would like to continue to use it as a social lubricant and overall good time liquid Thanks for the free rent rents. Uh, you're welcome. Um I've been getting blackout drunk every night for a while now. Uh, dude, you sound like uh, I I love to drink, but I don't get blackout drunk I get just to the point where I say something I wish I didn't say And I don't do it every night Um getting blackout drunk every night. Um, it depends on your age. I mean if you're like, I don't know 17 18

And you just discovered alcohol and you you're fucking, you know Drinking the way you fuck 90 miles an hour um That's only semi scary even that's scary But uh, yeah, dude blackout drunk is some serious shit. Um, I don't know. I would talk to somebody, uh I don't know what I would do If I was getting blackout drunk every fucking night, I think I would quit for a while Well, I get to a point where I just embarrass myself too much and then I just need to like back off

um I've been really big on beer lately. I go back and forth between scotch and beer and I get into beer And I got into the whole fancy fucking beers now. I'm back to beer that I Like my dad drank and my friend's dad's drank when I was a kid. So it was basically beer that we stole So every once in a while I go back to beers I drank in high school and I drink them and it's this weird sort of like, you know I don't know when I taste it. I just think about I always picture, you know, just drinking in the woods The cops dude the cops are coming

um So, yeah, that would be that would be my uh Look if you're not an alcoholic, uh, I would just monitor your drinking But if you're getting blackout drunk every night, you might have a problem So I wouldn't want to tell you how to drink semi responsibly because if you're an alcoholic, you're not going to um So I would explore a little more your level of addiction And when you figure that out

I would then act accordingly and if you figured out that you're an alcoholic I would try and quit drinking as soon as possible because it will ruin your life um Believe me I said something fucking horrible this weekend after I did my shows. It was only after like two beers I'm going to try to figure out how to tell this story without outing anybody in it I'm sitting there. I haven't drinks and these two girls come up Yeah, you were funny, but blah blah. Oh, hey, thanks a lot

How long you staying out here? Uh, I gotta leave in five hours. What are you a fucking moron? Yes, I am That type of shit and So they pointed this girl. She's like the girl next door going. Hey, you know what she does What do you think she does and I was and usually I can get a read and I just couldn't get a read on this girl I don't know what she did She looked like she would just work in customer service, but there was something different about her But it was because she looked like that I couldn't uh, she just looked like she just get a regular job

You know get married become a mom one of those people They're just happy so they don't need to go out and try to achieve some stupid fucking goals so they can then get trashed on twitter So anyways, they go she actually flies those giant cargo Plains with like the three tanks in the back that they drop out with the fucking parachutes And I'm like, are you shitting me like That's unbelievable All right, I'm blown away and then she points at her friend and goes. Ah, this is my friend. Uh

She used to be a cheerleader for this professional football team, right? They tell me that and now I'm thinking bullshit I'm like, all right, you're a fucking pilot not saying the other girl wasn't good looking But I'm kind of drunk at this point because I haven't eaten. I only had two beers That was the thing only had two fucking beers, but even at two beers the level of asshole I am at stone sober two beers in I say to lawhead I go I just you know kind of whisper to him. I go there's no way She was a cowboys cheerleader. She her rack isn't big enough and then she just goes clear as day

Did you just say my rack isn't big enough? Felling a fucking asshole and I'm thinking I thought I whispered that evidently I yelled it over the fucking music um And then I had to try and talk my way out of that. I wasn't saying she wasn't good looking, but you know You watch them on tv. They make it look like they all got fucking, you know Fucking very least 34c all the way up to d cup titties They make them look perfect. Most of them are probably fake

It's like the fake tit I told her I said look every chick out there is fake titties and Dallas, this is me flailing trying to get out of it Or trying to like I felt bad. I should just apologize. It wasn't drunk You can't apologize for that. I said it. She heard it I'm an asshole But when I did say I go it's like the fake titty capital of the world She did give me a high five and I thought I was fine, but later on when I walked out I walked by I think it was her husband

She had a wedding ring on And I walked by this guy and I thought he was waving to me He holds up a cell phone and I see that there's a picture of a dallas cowboy cheerleader on On it. So I think it was his wife Which means she went over and told him and I want to thank that guy She told you and you didn't smash a bottle over my head. I I really want to I I appreciate it my fault Uh next time I come out there. I'll buy you some fucking. I don't know what whatever the poo poo platter Whatever the fuck they have out there

brutal so That's why I try to drink at home You know What am I gonna do say something rude to my dog? Oh, Jesus. I'm I'm really too old to have Continue to have new stories like this Anyways, all right, bill. What's my move? I'm a sophomore in college and not very experienced with relationships Um, I met this girl about three weeks ago in class and she seems pretty cool

We've been hanging out progressively more often during the last couple of weeks I feel like I've been getting signs from her, but I'm pretty confused now She comes to my room and we hang out on the bed Lying close to each other. Oh god, dude. She's waiting for you to make a move That's what your next move is make a move We hang out on my bed lying close to each other and do homework or watch a movie or whatever She also texts me every day. So yesterday we kissed for the first time. There you go. You're in the game Now batting

Right when they bring the substitute guy and all those nerds are keeping scores that fucking erasing shit, you know Now batting a virgin out of Des Moines, Iowa um Anyways, so yesterday we kissed for the first time before she left about 20 minutes after I get a text from her With about six paragraphs Explaining how she kind of has a boyfriend, but he treats her like shit. So it's pretty much over Oh, Jesus You know what? There's always a price to pay

No matter what you do It's like that guy who doesn't want to drink anymore Who wants to taper it down? There's a price he's gonna pay And the price he's gonna pay is he's gonna be sitting there doing the right thing not drinking wishing That he could just sit there and fucking pound 20 beers You know But he wants to take control of his fucking life and the price he has to pay is he can't ever do that again And then there's the other side you drink the 20 fucking beers and then you know the price you pay

Look at the price I paid after having two fucking lightweight, you know So here you go. You finally make the move you kiss her. There's always a fucking price So you got to ask yourself son. Are you willing to pay this price? If you continue, I'm not even going to read the rest of this because I can tell you right now There is possibly a fucking beat down Slash double murder slash maybe double murder suicide At the end of this pussy rainbow Um

Anyways, I'll read the rest. He goes and also she explains how she's not ready for a relationship But we can still cuddle. I don't know about this. Yeah, fuck this chick He goes i'm trying to get my dick wet, but she also seems cool. You're trying to get your dick wet This dude's not a virgin You're speaking that you're speaking the language Trying to get your dick way. Yeah, you for your fucking. This is the pistol fucking formation All right, you kissed her that's the mesh point You got to do a zone read here. What's going on? What's going on right here on two on two ready break, right?

Come on, dude You know what the fuck you got to do right now You know what you seem like a guy who got laid hasn't got laid for a while So now or maybe you really like this girl. I don't know what the fuck's going on All right Let me just read the rest of this fucking thing. There's like two more sentences Says I just don't want to be in the same position for the next two months Should I give a shit about this girl? Am I getting bullshitted? Yeah, you're getting bullshitted

She wants to get out of the relationship, but she doesn't want to be lonely All right, this is what you should say to her say look All right, I think uh, you know, I don't do that I don't kiss girls who have boyfriends. I don't do that stuff And uh, I don't hang out with them laying on beds I would love to lay in a bed and kiss you if you did not have a boyfriend So I think it would be best if uh, when that situation clears up You know

Then come by you know, but you know wait a while Give the guy an opportunity to see you know if he's gonna kill you or not So I don't get caught in the crossfire after you know, two three months. He doesn't kill you I know it's safe and uh, I will gladly bang you In my uh, my fucking bed my single That's how I'd handle it That's how I should have handled that at your age, but there weren't podcasts. So I just had to listen to my dick Ah, fuck there it was there it was it took me 50 fucking minutes to be funny, but there it was all right

Fiancé's ex. Hey Bill. I really appreciate the show keeps me sane in the cubicle farm. Well, god bless you for fucking Fighting the good fight out there Now to the meat of the email look at this guy He thanks me in like a sentence and a half and he gets right to it. This is how you do it people This is textbook Uh, he goes my fiance who I love dearly has an ex-boyfriend. She maintains a friendship with Fucking drop this bitch right now Sorry knee jerk reaction continuing

Listening without prejudice. Um, I am of the mindset that men and women cannot maintain that kind of relationship. Thank you Preach on especially if there was some kind of dating involved In the past Uh I am not comfortable with this guy And I am struggling with this Struggling with this shit. Um, should I Straight out tell the cunt. I don't like him being around or do I take the more painful approach and pretend everything's cool?

One other quick question I have to make a run to new mexico mexico soon and wanted to snag the name of that italian place you were talking about On the podcast are so back. Ah, fuck. You know what? It's right next to a hilton garden in And it begins with a b Like bueno, blana something like that. Come on somebody new mexico help this guy out Um And send it to me and I'll read it next week. I'll figure it out by next week. All right. That's a promise But anyways, yeah, dude, you got it. You got you got a This is this is not cool at all

That's not cool at all All right That's not cool at all guys do not continue Being friends with women. I think women maybe can do it, but guys can't do it. He's trying to he's trying to fucking He's gonna try to banger Dude, that's fuck. This is your fiance. You can't fucking have that You can't have that You know

and uh This is what you got to do. You got to tell her that and when she gets mad and she gets upset What you know trust me blah blah blah blah blah blah blah? You have to sit there And totally maintain your cool. Do not take the bait If she starts calling you names if she's a name call and all that do not get upset Just say that like that shit I did in my act We will discuss this later when you calm down

I don't want to argue about this Um, I don't think it's fair the position you're putting me in and um, I would never do that to you I would never hang out with an ex-girlfriend of mine All right, I don't think that that's cool So I would appreciate it if you would not do that anymore And if she continues to do it then um, I would marry somebody else personally You know I'm not cool with that in my relationship

I've had to deal with that You know I've had to deal with that a couple of times. Well, you know, it's just kind of as a friend. Oh, we took an acting class of above like no No My little hectic explainer you think he's yes. Yes. He is he has tried to He has tried to yes exactly You know

Or maybe he's he's hoping that you have hot friends that he can try and fuck By you know being the guy who hangs out with the chicks, you know, maybe he's trying to do that But he's trying to fuck something and if you're the only thing around he's gonna try and fuck you. So no, it's not cool Um Anyways, all right next one. This is all fucking guys talking about the ladies this week Um, stay with girl or not All right. Hi bill. Love the podcast. Thank you and in a tough situation. So I would like to know your thoughts I've been with a girl for five months and a few weeks into it

She mentioned she had been in a relationship for five years and is still friends with the guy. What the fuck is this the same one? I already answered this Who I've met and who isn't a bad dude She used to talk to him a lot So she seemed not over him and mentioned that they were basically fuck buddies since breaking up Which I don't mind happening But do mind her thinking it's no biggie to tell me So you don't mind if she's fucking this guy in the side

Just don't bring it up Wasn't there an r&b song about that? Something about girl I don't want to know Something I can't fucking remember I can't remember I can't remember I can't remember

I can't remember I can't remember I can't remember I can't remember I can't fucking remember Anyways, it seemed like it was a recent breakup, but when I asked her She said in a roundabout way. It was about two years ago About two months in she admitted that she had last slept with them the week after she met me

Which was actually the night of the day we met up for the first time. So after our first date This sounds dumb, but otherwise things are good and she's Tone talking about him down since and is a good girl different to a lot of Ones in my past, which is why I stayed with her after that this girl's fucking your brains out That's what's going on She likes sex and I guarantee you she fucked this guy at least one more time after your first date That this that's my instinct. I'm not saying that's true. That's just my instinct

anyways It says I'm 25 and haven't had a girlfriend before Out of not wanting to settle and enjoy being single exactly There we go. You haven't had a girlfriend before so you don't know how to set up a relationship Yeah, because you're setting this one up dude. Come on. You gotta have some self-worth here. Okay Fuck this shit. This isn't the mother of your kids. He's got a fuck buddy Bangs him one time after your first date. Obviously she wasn't seeing fireworks the fuck is she doing with you All right, let her blow you one more time and show her the fucking door

Sorry got emotional. I'll let let's respect this and I'll read the rest Uh, though I was getting sick of the single life when I got with her and we'd be bummed out with the prospect of getting laid less than once a month Yeah, you know something You're both using each other I you're five months in I really hope you're not in love with this girl Said I have graduated and want to move out of our city partly to move in with a really good friend Who I miss who lives Interstate and she still has one year to go and doesn't seem keen on moving

In your words based on that one incident, I think I already told you I don't think she's gonna be the mother of my children areas and I'll always think Of it when I tell people how we met I feel I could be missing out on advancing my career and being with my best friend As I've grown apart from my other friends as well as getting out of my shitty small town Do you think I should move out and cut this thing short apps are fucking loopy and you know you should Get out of your shitty small town Fuck this this girl. She's gonna be in that same bar every fucking Christmas when you come home to visit your parents Okay

She's gonna be there and every year face is gonna get a little fatter and she might have more ink on her fucking arm And you are gonna be moving on with your life All right, and then one day you're not gonna want to go back to that bar You're just gonna drive by it and you're gonna be like I wonder if she's in there And you're not gonna give a fuck because the girl you your dreams is gonna be in your passenger seat And you're gonna drive right by on this perfectly fucking snow covered road There's a picture for you, but that's only gonna happen if you dump this whore and get out of that small shitty town All right, that was a good one, huh?

um, okay, all all of garden chronicles Billy boy, I am a 24 year old part-time college student Working at olive garden And this new chick here has been a real flirt towards me. Uh, I see just about all the signs She always tells me how delicious I smell gross. How bad she wants to play with my hair. Okay One time when I was testing out a drink she took the glass rotated to the part where my mouth wasn't drank on it from there disgusting

All right, so, you know, she swallows um So what do you plan on taking old ass to mouth? Sorry, um for some reason I found that hot Oh, this guy's fucking hilarious everything about her was was uh Everything about her was incredible figure and nice tits and glasses Made her look even sexier with her pinned up hair one big problem. This is a game changer. She's 17

Oh, dude, I think she's got major fucking daddy issues. Come on, dude There's plenty of whores that are of age Uh, do I really need to read the rest of this? We got off at the same time the other night and just started talking outside Oh, dude, if this fucking goes to some sexual thing if I read it is am I part of the fucking crime? Is 17 legal in your state some states it is just a good old boy Um, I did the gentleman thing and asked her if she needed a ride home. Fuck you You fucking cunt don't lie to me

Huh, I thought we were friends Calling me up you're asking for advice and then you thought you think i'm a fucking moron You didn't do the gentleman thing your dick was fucking pushing through your zipper and you're like, uh, you want to ride home You want to fucking ruin this girl? Tried to do the gentleman thing you fuck. I you know what? I just for that. I shouldn't even read the rest of this But i'm too fucking interested Um, she politely declined and said her sister wants to pick her up adding that she doesn't want to use me like that She also said she was afraid that she might get you used to it and expect it every time we work together

Understandable. It's not understandable. She's fucking jerking you around She's putting on a goddamn fucking pg-13 sex show You know Inside the bar and then you get outside. Hey, there's my car. You want to just fucking continue on with your little show? No, that's okay This might be one of these girls that gets your dick fucking You know hard as a fucking rock And then just walks away just wants to see you chase it

And the only way you're gonna get it is if you just fucking walk away from it and she'll follow you home Like a lost puppy, but she's 17. So you don't want that to happen Um, anyways, however, she asked me to stick around and keep her company till her ride comes She asked me where I usually hang out dude. Can I am I gonna get in trouble for this shit? I'm not reading the rest of this She's only she's only 17. Why don't you call kip winger? He'll tell you what the fuck to do I say walk away all right The only question you should be asking her is when are you turning 18?

and when she says why say because Uh, I'll tell you on your birthday Alrighty, that's the podcast for this week everybody. Um, bittersweet this week, you know Uh rondo went down tour is acl I fucking love the celtics. I really do and I know there's a lot of people that hate the boss in celtics But you know something if I can appreciate The fact that pal gasol is a great basketball player and kobe brian Now you gotta even as a laker fan come on

You gotta you got it. You have to admit unless you're just a straight up cunt The fucking celtics got more heart than any other team in the league. You know they do You know they do I'm telling you they will fight you to the end even fucking kobe said it He said the celtics never fucking quit and if you guys think that because rondo has gone down that this team is going to roll over You're out of your fucking minds All right The only way this team rolls over is if danie angel and those guys break it up. That's the only way

That's the only fucking way and I was flying To god knows fucking where and I missed that whole celtics heat game, but I have been watching the bruins I watch them come back tonight, um after the Hurricanes tied it up hurricanes look good, man Great gold tender fucking the cuntiest four checking I've ever seen Uh, but we somehow survived it, but they're a great team. We got the devils tomorrow night

When they're always great. So, uh, I can't believe how much I missed hockey When it came back, I just absolutely fucking love it. It's the greatest goddamn sport and I love that most people think it sucks Please by all means continue to not watch it I love this. It's great Being the fourth most popular sport. It's great. You know what that's like. That's like being like, uh Uh, what's that like being it's like being the bass player in this fucking awesome band and you just collect and checks But when you walk off stage, nobody recognizes you nobody gives a fuck They're all running all over to the singer and the league guitarist

And you get to live a life go down the beach Drink a fucking six pack with your rock star money, you know You got enough money to get a good-looking fucking woman She's got to deal with the bullshit What am I talking about? I can't remember what the fuck. What am I just talking about being a hockey fan? It's great I'm sorry guys. I'm I was I've been on four planes in three days. All right. There's my excuse I'm limping home. All right. That's the podcast for this week As always, uh, if you want to buy something on amazon.com and donate to the monday morning podcast

Just go to the podcast page on bill bird.com. We have a banner ad you click right on the amazon, uh Banner takes your right to amazon and you're on there. You don't have to do anything else Everything's still the same price. They kick me a percentage I take a percentage of that actually a percentage of all my advertising 10 to be exact and I give it to the wounded warriors project You'll be supporting this podcast and uh, and the wounded warriors project and uh, that is it That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the super bowl Give it a shot if you haven't already committed to a super bowl party

If you're already committed still tape the game at home Okay And then just sit down and watch it and look for that play. I'm gonna look for it too the pistol fucking formation I can't even remember what the fuck it's called What you love when they say that shit now that it's basically a hot read the fuck you're talking about john gruden Don't you come out with a book and explain it to me. What is the cover to defense? All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week You

You You She's she's uh, this is not it doesn't seem like this is the girl for you. She might be a little too Advanced when you stop alligator arm in it. This might not be the girl for you. She's a little too advanced This woman is a fucking war pig your alligator arm in it. I'm not I'm trying to be like tender and you know Nice, you know what alligator arm means. You don't watch sports. No, I don't You know what? I really don't appreciate when I come down here and having this conversation with you And you want to throw these little sports things at me and you always you always say, oh, you don't watch sports

Oh, you need the sports thing like you have to like remind me that I'm not on the same level as you like so I'm not going to get all your amazing sports references and terms and phrases and I don't appreciate that Can you guys believe that when in 10 minutes Of just going on this rant about how dumb I am and how innocent I am with using the word fag and I I don't You have like an innocent heart, but you're dumb and you just respond with rage The whole way you made me this fucking like simpleton. Yeah, you have me doing everything but fucking, you know Being a big goof like hey, are you doing like walking on the street like you know and accidentally crush somebody to death trying to hug them

That's how you just painted me. You're like, yeah, you're like of a of misoned men. Yeah, that's how you're painting me Within 10 minutes of this you're a Lenny and of misoned men. That's how you yeah, that's exactly how you described me I was too dumb to know that fucking reference And then because I I say alligator arm is okay, you've seen an alligator, right? Yeah, do they have long arms? No, they do not they do not and it's basically it's a it's a sports term Somebody throws you the ball and you could actually reach out and get it But you don't totally reach out because you're worried about getting hit Okay, so to ally so you alligator arm it it's like so and if you don't catch the ball the guy can't hit you

Oh, okay, I thought so I'm saying you so your alligator arm in this in that you're going This girl isn't the girl for you. Blah blah blah. He's in He's he's in there with the fucking pit viper Right. He's the goat and she's the he is He is the std free goat and he is walking into a fucking incubator of just I mean I mean this girl probably I don't I I want to get it too. It's just not the girl for you. She's not the girl for you. That's bad advice Why this girl is a fucking pig and you're supposed to do about it. Tell the whole fucking school

I'm just saying she's not the girl for you move on to somebody else who's more your speed. Why is that bad advice? Because you're acting like you know, she's not into sports likes to eat and is a morning person and He likes sports and staying up. You know what this person isn't like You know, this person isn't for you. I mean, it's like a foodie It's like it's a simple way of saying that that you know, you shouldn't move on. That's that's all it is No, it's like you're sitting there with the toddler and he's about ready to touch a hot stove You got to be like there has to be a sense of urgency here like Like no, no, no, no, no, this this will hurt you this will hurt

You know, you make that little fucking can they don't even speak english. You're trying to fucking Speak english they can't they can't speak yet. You're trying to fucking have a fuck yourself You're sitting there talking to this person like Hey, try some of this sandwich. Yeah, I didn't really like that bread. Well, maybe you like this bread Like it's just like this whimsical. There's too many daisies and what you're saying This is this is a very dangerous situation. This guy should stay away from this girl on all fucking and all girls like this She's got a she's on her period and she has no fucking like like class. She just opens her leg Like what was he supposed to do pull it out

And just go off on it. There's other ways she's suggesting anal this girl is like oh, she's a fucking mess Stay away from this girl. This girl will get pregnant. This girl will give you fucking a disease This girl will steal your laptop. This girl's a fucking nightmare Knock it off all right All right advice for a lady Dear bill I've been with my boyfriend for two years now

We're in college together and he's currently taking a semester abroad. Oh jesus We're in brazil Um before he left we had a running joke that I was going to need a vibrator when he left as a surprise parting gift He got me one. I have a couple friends Whose boyfriends bought them sex toys. So while I was a little surprised he actually got me a vibrator I also happened to know that it's a relatively normal. It's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that Yeah, that's basically like this era's chastity belt You know

You're trying to lock down the pussy That's disgusting Hey, yeah, but that's what he's doing though. Anyway Yeah, but it's done because those things you use them too much They numb up your area there and then the guy can't even remotely try and you know Do something for and then you got to be sitting there banging banging them as their user Using the thing as you know, it's like you and an alien are fucking this girl That's just all dick has no body

All right, whatever. Let's move on. What am I basing in an arm based on my my fucking life I did live a little bit of a life before I met you. I realized that. All right. Anyway Fast forward to about a week ago. We were on skype. Uh, he asked you to take this thing out Um, no, we don't have sex chats. Thank god and he casually asked me how his gift For me was working out. I told him it was working out pretty well He then mentioned that he had bought something for himself A fleshlight Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the fleshlight every week

Are weird those are very weird those are very But okay, they look like that thing boba fett fell into when he died in one of those space movies Um, I knew he's trying to be faithful to her. That's nice Okay, he said she goes. I knew what this was because I am an avid listener of joe rogan's podcast There you go Joe rogan's come up three times in this podcast who raves about it constantly My boyfriend had never mentioned to me That he was interested in anything like that and I always thought the idea of it was totally creepy

I acted like it was totally cool. But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be Fucking a perfect fake Wait, I got lost in that I actually was thinking is joe gonna get mad that i'm saying that this is weird Okay, I acted like it was totally cool. But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking of perfect fake vagina Whenever he wants to i'm finding myself getting crazy jealous And angry whenever I think about it. I know I know i'm jealous of an inanimate object Which seems insane. Let me finish. I'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely okay with it

Since it's sort of a Hypocrite it's sort of hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator But now i'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo So I wouldn't be able to complain when he got himself a proxy pussy Proxy pussy So what do you think do I need to suck it up and get over this or is my jealousy legitimate? Thanks and go fuck yourself Let him go fuck his fake pussy as long as he's not faking a real pussy. I mean fucking a real pussy

Then You know, it's all good. Plus you it's not just like the the pussy that it's that he's missing He's also missing like, you know your touch and kissing and the whole other part of it too And that fake pussy came below him either. No, he isn't he's getting right to the dessert Don't be jealous. Have you tried these brussel sprouts? Don't need them Don't be jealous. Bring over the trace leche when he comes back It'll be even better because you both have been like doing it with inanimate objects And so it's like you'll be rediscovering each other all over again. It'll be even better. I don't think so. Don't even worry

I don't think it's a good thing. Why? Because uh Once you start down a path sexually You know in order to get off that path, you don't just jump over onto another path You got to walk all the way back up the path you went down Get to the fork where you fucked up and then head down the other one What i'm saying is he might get used to just doing that

And the sensation of that is what gets him off and then when her pussy doesn't feel like the fleshlight It'll feel better. He'll he'll he'll bang her and then And then when he needs to finish she'll be like all right and now for me What that fucking thing No, she'll feel even better if anything he'll be like, oh my god I forgot what a real woman feels like and he'll be done in like two minutes. That's what you hope I don't think she should be jealous of it though

They're both they're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship and you're that far apart from each other Because he could I I bang all sorts of hairy european girls. No offense to hairy european girls, but I'm just saying, you know, listen I I watched this thing one time or listen to it on the radio one of those call-in sex shows and this guy Had to put away he jerked off because he dry humped the rug It was causing like chafing on his dick and it but it it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship

For a while and he kept doing that And I don't know so i'm just saying like I would go easy on those. It's like anything anything in moderation Yeah, how how often is he using this and how often is she using that if you use a vibrator too much You numb yourself up down there and then when you guys down there, you can't feel anything That's so disgusting Overrated underrated for the week overrated the super bowl Underrated rounds one and two of the nfl playoffs bill This may be sacrilegious to say in america, but I actually enjoy rounds one and two of the nfl playoffs

More than the super bowl that isn't sacrilegious because at no point does Beyonce or britney spears Sing before and in the halftime show There's not a bunch of douchebags who don't like football showing up feeling like they have to be there You know All the broads. Why do you look? Yeah, why are you looking at me because you go to super bowl parties every year and you hate football Yeah, well, they're fun. They're nice gatherings and I talk when the game's on. I like no, I don't bill run Yap when the most important game is on It's disgusting if you do it again this year. We're breaking up each week you get two games

Both on saturday and sunday There seems to be that we can win this thing excitement in the air And I can relax and watch the games in the comfort of my home or at a local bar without dozens of non fans in the room As is typically the case at a super bowl party the super bowl on the other hand has become so pretentious in recent years I don't even really want to get worked up for it as much as I used to the game takes forever 85% of the commercial sucks and we're forced to stare at Madonna's beat-up face for 30 minutes during a halftime show Plus the two-week gap in between the super bowl and the conference champion really takes the air out of the sails What are your thoughts? I think this is what you do. You watch the super bowl alone and you tape it

And you start watching it you dvr it And you watch you let you let you give the game a 90 minute head start And then then you just sit down you watch it by yourself And you you plow through the pregame And you just watch the fucking game and when the halftime show comes you fast forward through that And now you're into the third quarter And third quarter and fourth quarter. It's going to be regular time football. That's the way to watch the super bowl And you watch it by yourself. Maybe with another buddy of yours who that enjoys the game. That's how I would do it

You know no thoughts on that No, but what about the social aspects? Shut up. You're gonna have brownies during the opening You're gonna have cheese doodles Oh my god the way the broads talk during that fucking game and then and then and it's true And then everybody shuts up to watch the commercials and then and then the game comes back under I thought that one was lame. What did you think? Well, that's definitely the best one so far How much did that cost? Well, why don't you stop going to super bowl parties then?

Why don't you stop if you don't like the game? I don't do any of that stuff that you're talking about I don't I don't like needlepoint. I don't go to your fucking needlepoint parties. Do I go to needlepoint? I don't do what do you do arts and crafts? I don't crash your super bowl or those things and come there and talk when you're trying to glue the popsicle sticks together And then shut the fuck up when I don't talk throughout the game. I go in the other room Or I hang out with other people if there's lies lies lies. Yeah No, that's not true Okay, that's the money morning podcast. Oh before I get out of here. Huh, that's it. That's it. We're done. We did a nice long one

All right, there's nothing else. Huh? No, okay, um amazon.com everybody if you want to um If you want to buy something on amazon.com and support my podcast go to billbird.com click on the podcast page Take it that we got a link Whatever you call it the little box the little window thing the little uh the little icon you click on that thing I have no idea what they're called the banner ad you click on it You go to amazon.com you buy something they kick me back a little bit of money I take 10% of that and I throw it to the wounded warriors project you sponsored this and the wounded warriors See that's it everybody. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and uh

Yeah, if you ever get with a girl and she spreads her leg with the the ripcord there All right, you're the goat and she's the snake get the fuck out of the cage. See you You You