Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-19

Episode Date: February 1, 2019

Bill rambles about aging, art, and the Super Bowl.

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Proximus. Think possible. Hey man, what's going on? I'm fucking freckled, cunt. It's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday and Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Oh, Billy's burning it at fucking both ends. You know, I woke up this morning by do-ba-do-boop

and I went to the gym. I did some that pull downs and I had to leave with a grin because I got it out of the way. I was going back and forth with somebody. This morning, an East Coast friend of mine, who I hadn't talked to in a while. I enjoy being a dad and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she hits me up with the whole,

hey, I'm turning 50 this year. I am not happy about it. I said, yeah, I turned 50 last year. She goes, how was turning 50 for you? You know, she goes, you're a guy. You probably don't care. It's much harder for a woman, especially with our careers. Oh, did I have fun with that?

You know, I just rolled back. Jesus fucking Christ. You know what I mean? White women complaining is one of the funniest. It's like you got a fucking house and a beautiful family. What is the fucking print? So much harder for me. You're going to outlive me by six to eight years.

So me turning 50 is like me turning like 56, 57, 58. You know, you're me complaining, you know? You never hear me complain on this podcast. This is nothing but positivity, rainbows and fucking unicorns. Yeah, I love that shit. It's harder for it's harder for a woman to go to the gym. It's harder for us to lose weight. Well, then fucking work harder.

You know, everybody's different. Oh, is that where it's hard? You know, it's you know, it's harder for me. Trying to get some woman to pay the cover charge and buy me drinks. You know, it's harder for me to divorce court outliving you. I mean, it balances out ladies. Getting child support. Yeah, that's harder for me because I'll be the one paying it.

Then all of a sudden it costs 900 grand a month to raise a fucking two year old. Right. I just don't understand the constant complaining by white women. Okay. You're white. You live in America. Shut up. Okay.

Wait till the other problems are solved and then we'll get to you. You're at the meat counter. Your number isn't up yet. Wait. You turn. All right. Wait. You turn Abigail.

Do you know how much hard it's so much easier for you to go to check? It's not easier. Men's lives are harder because we have to live with you guys. Oh man. I want to become friends with the lesbian couple and I want to like be friends with like the chick in the relationship that's got to handle more the dude shit. You know, cause you know opposites attract and I would think even like in the lesbian community, there's going to be somebody, you know, who's out there swinging the axe,

getting the fucking firewood while the other ones in there making the muffins. That's the lesbian. I want to talk to right into my podcast. Please, you know, I want to know if those lesbians on average die sooner. Then then then the dainty lesbian, you know, the lesbian who's got to go out on the fucking roof and adjust the fucking direct TV satellite fucking thing in the middle of the fucking rain. That's who I want to that's who I want to hear from.

That's the study I would be doing. Um, anyways, oh geez, I'm coming in hot. I'm coming in hot. I'm wearing my old man's sweater that I that I got when I was over there in Ireland, you know, and I'll tell you, it was so much harder for women to find sweaters, you know, to be judged. Um, anyway, speaking of which, I'm in the middle of an acting gig right now and I am having the time of my life.

I'm having so much fun in this acting gig. It's actually scaring me because most of the time comedians, the entire time you're on the acting gig, you'll be in like, you know, I could have fucking made, you know, twice as much money in one hour that I have that I'm going to on this entire fucking shoot. You know, why am I still here? That's what you're usually thinking. But, uh, I've cracked the code.

I know how to do it now. What I do is, is when I go on to set, I don't bring my phone and I don't bring a watch and then it's like I walked into a casino. I don't know if it's day. I don't know if it's night. I just fucking do my shit. I, I try to do it, you know, as well as I can. I listen to the director, whatever.

And then in between takes, I sit down and just conserve my fucking energy. And that's all I do. Not looking at anything. I just sit there like fucking private pile when he's sitting on that commode in full metal jacket. And then all of a sudden after, I feel like I've been at two hours all of a sudden, okay, we're breaking for lunch. And I'm like, okay.

And then I go outside into the sun. You know, I get a salad with the protein ladies, salad with the protein heavy on the salad protein, no bigger than the size of my pasty palm. That's what I do. And then I just fucking go back in and I just do it all over again. And I have no fucking idea what time it is. And then all of a sudden they just say you're wrapped. And I just act like a silly jackass and try to make jokes all day long.

And I've been having the fucking time of my life. Having a great time. So anyways, what am I acting on? I'm not allowed to tell. It's a secret. I'm acting on General Hospital, everybody. Okay. I've come back from the dead.

A lot of people don't know this. I had a role on that back in the 80s when I had a giant orange fucking afro. And my character died of cancer, but now he's come back from it. You know, his hair didn't grow back yet, but his beard did. And that's the jump off point to the character. And I am going to go out on a limb and say this is going to be the most interesting character since Heath Ledger is the Joker. Okay.

I am the Heath Ledger Joker character of General Hospital. Okay. It's an 87 episode arc that we shoot over the course of one week. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. You know what? You know, I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about doing three shows after this acting gig is over to get myself ready to shoot my next special.

I'm going to be in Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, where all the rich white people in Oprah moved after they after they made money in Hollywood. All right. Then I'm going to Pasadena. All right. We're all the racist right wing lunatics, you know, build the fucking wall of LA live. A lot of people don't realize that a lot of people think everybody out here is

a liberal Larry. That's not true. All you got to do is just go to Burbank. Okay. They're walking around. They got fucking two by fours and pitchforks. You know, I believe the kids say shit gets real in Burbank and then I'm out in Riverside.

Okay, Riverside, that part of America, you know, the politicians don't bring up, you know, the feminists don't bring up when they're attacking standup comedians acts. They forget what about all the poor people in Riverside, you know, Riverside. That just sounds like a place where you can dump a body and you know what? That's exactly what happens. If you ever kill anybody in Los Angeles, you have to know your next move. Okay.

Other than getting rid of your cell phone is you drive the body to Riverside. Okay. As far as I know, there is no river there. Okay. I don't know what, I don't know what it is, but all I know there's, there's enough gullies and there's just enough dead people there already that you can get lost in the herd with dragging your dead body. Okay.

I will be performing there. Santa Barbara on February 15th, the day after the most bullshit fucking holiday there is that you never hear a fucking, you know, peep out of your wife bitch. You should hear what my fucking wife's asking. She asked for this fucking stupid designer goddamn bag. I swear to God, it looked like somebody dumped toothpaste all over it. You know, like, you know, like when some fucking jackass partners up with some high-end label to do their version of the bag, you know, and then every fucking

bored fucking douchebag has to go get the fucking thing. You know, not saying my wife's bored. I love her. I just, I just, I looked at the bag. I'm like, you look at that fucking thing. It's not going to, what are you going to do with that thing? I like it. I think it's interesting.

It's bold. It's fucking ugly as shit. I wish you guys could see this back. Do you remember those stupid fucking toothpaste that came out that was like toothpaste, mouthwash, and deodorant all at the same time? It looked like a fucking rainbow. Just imagine if you did that, but it, but it was also like cloudy, like milk. And you dump that on a beautiful, gorgeous, handmade fucking bag that was

perfectly fucking fine. You know? What? It's art. You can't judge art. You can't. That stinks. Okay.

It fucking stinks. You know, that's, that begs for like people who like, you know, like Jean-Michael Basquiat, you know, like the hacky artists that everybody knows. You know, people just like to say his guy's name just so they can make it sound like they fucking, they can speak French. Jean-Michael Basquiat, you know, and his fucking stick figures. I mean, I fucking drew like that in the first grade. I had, I can't believe how much all those pictures I put on my parents' refrigerator,

how much they'd be worth nowadays. I'm fucking with you. I don't, this one thing, I don't know anything about, and if you don't believe me, just watch my act, but I really don't. I don't know why, I don't get Andy Warhol just painting a tomato soup can. Everybody's like, oh my God, he's commenting on commercialism in America. Great comment. How much is, how much for a fucking can of soup and that canvas that you fucking put it on?

I'll give you that amount of money for it. Anyways, by the way, you know, that guy got shot by a woman. I didn't know that. And then she did like fucking three weeks in jail and then got out. And for the rest of his fucking life, he's got to deal with this crazy so-and-so, running around out there. And then like 20 years later, he kind of died of complications from getting shot by her, you know? But it's so much harder for a woman to paint.

Anyways, yeah, I don't understand. You know, the one guy I actually liked, liked it, that I kind of understood. And it's not because I kind of look like the bald version of him. I didn't mind Van Gogh. Oh, really, Bill? You didn't mind him? Did you allow him in your artistic world? I didn't mean it like that.

The guy who used the lines, you know, the vertical lines and he painted shit like that. I like that shit. I don't know. I like when somebody paints somebody how they look, you know, not when they stick their ear in their forehead and it's like, whoa, man, like, why do you think he did that, you know? Is that because he feels like nobody can hear his thoughts? I mean, is there layers to this?

No, I just think he fucking knows how to draw an ear and he stuck it on a forehead. He's probably dropping acid. I don't know. Or even all those canvases where it's just, it's nothing. It's just, it looks like some toddler just fucking smeared it all over the place and everybody's just like, you know, just like, why, you know, I just look at him like, why did he put that color over there? Like, why is that?

I saw Lars one time in some Metallica documentary and he was selling this fucking, these fucking paintings. He was getting all this money for it. He was just going, yeah, I just like that over there. He's just like, why did he put that color? It's like, I don't know, Lars. I'm going to go out on a limb. I think you could have done that and saved yourself a bunch of money,

but he turned around and he sold it and he made even more fucking money. And you combine that with the fact that he gets his drum kits for free and what you have is a very rich young man. Um, anyway, how much time is that? 12 minutes. Fuck, I got another fucking 17 and a half to go. It's just fucking Christ, you know, some days this podcast, you know, it just goes by quick and other times it doesn't.

Did anybody watch Barstool Sports at the fucking Super Bowl, man? How fucking fun was that? They got into the, uh, the, uh, the fucking press conference and Portnoy was asking, oh, I don't know any of the names. The Rams running back while he took a knee and how it cost him like four grand on a bet. And then what the NFL is going to fucking kick them out. It's like that.

They're all about gambling. They have sports gambling now. It's just like, you know, it's their dirty little secret. You might as well just let fans ask those questions, right? I thought it was fucking hilarious. And the only thing funnier than that was afterwards when Portnoy did his interview or whatever was interviewing thing and he was all fucking amped up saying like, what were they going to do to me?

And he goes, put the fucking cuffs on me. Talking like he's fucking snake. Plisken. Put the fucking cuffs on me. I didn't know he was like that. Steven Segal, Dave Portnoy. I'm telling you, man, you put him in a prison evidently, they're going to take over.

Um, but anyways, I thought that was really funny. And then he went on fucking the new show there with that fucking weirdo looking guy. That guy, he always goes on that guy's show. That guy who looks like, you know, he, that guy who killed his girlfriend accidentally because they were having rough sex. Doesn't he look like one of those guys? Um, and he was still wearing the costume that, you know, God bless those

guys at fucking, at a bar still, you know what I mean? I mean, so how boring is the week between the AFC and NFC championship game and the Super Bowl? You know, put the fucking cuffs on me. Put the lotion in the bucket. Um, oh, by the way, another rough and rowdy is coming up. Order that. That's going to be, uh, in Atlanta and, um, you know, I heard, I didn't

realize they said Portnoy was banned from all NFL events. I don't know how many years ago, but he's still allowed to buy a ticket to the Super Bowl and go, right? You know, is he allowed to do that? Are they going to be sitting there? Do they have this security? All right. This is what Dave looks like without a fake mustache hanging off his face.

And this is what he looks like now with it on. Um, I wonder how that works. I wonder, these are the things that I think about. All right. What are we up to? 15 minutes just like that. 15 minutes just like that. Um, so anyways, I went to the gym this morning.

Right. As that woman was texting me telling me how hard it was for her to turn 50. You know what I mean? So difficult. I just can't imagine being a white woman having to blow out all those candles in your beautiful house. I mean, God, you know, maybe you ought to think about the children that put those candles together in a sweatshop.

Um, you know, they probably have to do that with their one arm after they dug up some diamonds for you. I want that one. Um, all right. Anyways, hey, Bill, you have any Super Bowl predictions? Yes. I'm going to age a hundred fucking years. Once again, I am having a small select group of people come over and, uh,

I'm going simple. By the way, anybody who's hosting a Super Bowl party. All right. Don't let anybody talk you into getting this, all this fucking food. All right. Nobody throws an event like my lovely wife. All right. But the thing about it is, is afterwards you left with a bunch of stuff and

then you have to eat it because you don't want it to go bad. And then like, you know, whatever you enjoyed by the, I mean, last time we had a thing, I think it was from my daughter's birthday. It's hilarious. She turned two. So we had a two and under party, right? Instead of 21 and over, you know, two and under. So you had all these little kids there and then like, whatever.

Say we had 10 kids. There's going to be 20 parents there, right? Provided it's not a broken home. Um, so we had to have all, you know, fucking bagels, Sam, like locks, all of this shit. Dude, I was eating fucking salmon for like eight fucking days. I mean, I just afterwards, it's just like, you know, cause, oh, that's right. So now I'm having my Super Bowl party and Nia goes, why don't you get a caterer

for it? I said, cause I don't want to be eating fucking hot dogs for like the next 12 days. So I just, you know, I figured, all right. The most anybody's going to eat is two burgers each. The biggest I'm going to make the burgers probably a quarter pound. That's another thing too. When you make the homemade burgers, don't make them fucking gigantic.

All right. You can't make them gigantic. It's just, it becomes too much. All right. You got to make them like the same way Miller Highlife makes their beers. Somehow it's 12 ounces, but it feels like fucking four. And it just goes down easy. That's what you want to do.

Cause then they'll come back and then they'll get the second one. You know what I mean? Yeah, Bill, it's very simple. Your theory is very simple. So I'm trying to, uh, like have the least amount, you know, and just some chips and some beer and some fucking cigars. And the great fucking thing is that this is a very, very sexist Super Bowl party in that it's men only.

All right. So they're not going to give a fuck. Burgers and dogs, they're in a little bit of chips. They bring the booze and I get the cigars and then I'm good. I'm out. I'm fucking out. All right. Worst thing I got to do is I got to wash fucking, you know, five to 10 plates and

the shit I used on my flat top grill. Who gives a fuck? And then I'm out. And I'm, what I'm hoping is, is in the end, that you're the Wiglet Patriots have won their sixth, uh, Super Bowl championship. So I have six Super Bowl championships, zero AFL titles, zero AFL NFL championships and no NFL championships. Um, maybe it's because maybe this is what I, I, I, here's another thing.

Here's another theory I have about why they don't count NFL championships. Maybe because the AFL at first was this upstart league, everybody laughed at the league. And then they got better and better and better to the point the NFL actually had to have a championship game with them to show that they were the superior league, which they did for the first two years. And then the third year they lost cause they played Earl Morrill instead of fucking Johnny Unitas, some people say. So they actually proved that they were on par or at least good enough to win one out

of every three championship games. And at that point they were like, what are we doing here? Why don't we just merge and we'll start over again. But having said all that, it was still called the NFL. So maybe that's why they do it, but I think it's unbelievably disrespectful to Sam Huff, Bobby Lane, Frank Gifford, all of these Jim Brown, all of these amazing Hall of Famers to act as though like, you know, to not bring up the championships within those franchises that they played for that have wreaked havoc on their bodies that shorten their lives that

you don't even bring it up. I just think it's fucked up. Bill, we get it. Jesus Christ, you've made the point. How about you read some advertising so we can laugh at your inability to read out loud? Fine, fine. I'll do it. You don't think I'll fucking do it?

I'll fucking do it. I'm giving my wife so much shit about fucking Valentine's Day. I'm like, I'm not getting you shit. This year is your year. What are you going to do for me? Huh? She goes, what do you want for Valentine's Day? I go, I want you to shut up.

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I feel like it's going to be like a lot of these NFL games where you got two high-powered offenses and they're going to be like, this is going to be a high-scoring game. And I think it's going to be low-scoring for the first half. And then it's just going to be a fucking shit show in the second half. And it's going to be one of those things whoever has the ball last wins. Or it could be like last Super Bowl where the defenses are a complete non-factor. And to the point, all that has to happen is if whatever defense makes a play,

you just need to make one fucking play and then boom, then you win the game. That's what I think. That's what I think because I think last year's Super Bowl, rather than being one of the ugliest fucking games I've ever watched in my life, I literally felt like I was watching a third grade Pop Warner game with the complete lack of fucking defense in that game. I've now realized that that was not an anomaly, that that is now the way the game is played and that's the way it has to be played because if you don't,

then these poor people that are playing the fucking game are going to have this CTE shit. So I've accepted it. That's the way it is and, you know, I don't know, that's just, I don't know. So that is my feeling. I'm not believing on any level that Todd Gurley isn't going to play and is not going to fucking get a bunch of yards. And I also feel like their quarterback, whatever his fucking name is, I forget. He doesn't give a fuck that it's a Super Bowl.

He's going to come out there cool as a cucumber. I will say this about all these new fucking quarterbacks. They don't give a shit that they're in the Super Bowl. You know, Nick Foles last year. He was like, he was playing catch in the backyard. The first ball he threw was like, this guy doesn't give a fuck. This is going to be a long day. Love Nick Foles.

I'm trying to think the last time I saw a quarterback get looked nervous. They just come, I am a rookie. I threw 50 touchdowns. Patrick Mahomes. Hey, you want 50 more? Hey, who wants to score next? Fucking thrown inside arm and shit. They don't give a fuck.

They're all coming in like Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti Westerns. You know, staring at three guys with your little fucking Cigarella. You know, Cigarella, whatever the fucking used to smoke. They just come in and they just fucking, they just light them up. So I think, yeah, so I have no prediction. I just hope my team's going to win. I haven't watched enough football to even remotely try to break the game down. All I can do is break down what I'm going to be doing, which is making burgers and dogs and not sitting down and pacing the entire fucking time.

But I think it's cool that the Rams are back in LA and they got the blue and yellow helmets. I like that shit. Oh, the blue and white, I guess they went back to the one they had in the 60s, but I like that shit. And I think the Raiders should stay in Oakland, even though moving to Vegas is going to be a great thing. Oh, this can be a great thing. Can you imagine how many people like their last thing they're going to do after they kill their wife? And Vegas is to go to a Raiders game before they're let out in cuffs at halftime. I mean, it's going to be like, it's going to happen a lot, you know, or Choka Hooker or whatever the fuck they're going to do in that seedy little town.

The fucking nerve of the NFL to throw out Dave Portnoy for asking that gambling. Well, I guess it's because he didn't have a, he didn't have a parking pass or whatever the fuck you need to get into that thing. Anyways, but I just think it's so funny how much they fucking annoy and irritate the NFL. They're sitting there acting like they're a decent organization, all the fucking crap that they've done. I love it. I love it. So God, God bless the fellas over at Barstool Sports. All right.

So what is it here? It's, there's your half hour. Put the fucking cops on me. I run a sports website. Put the fucking cops on me. I'll take over the prison. I would have been the exact opposite. Please don't put them on me.

I'm sorry. All right. That is the podcast. Please enjoy the music here and then the greatest hits and all that shit coming up. Another half hour of fucking stuff here and then of a Thursday. Another half hour of a former show that I did about a Thursday afternoon podcast. And everybody, I will, I'm getting ready. Oh, Billy's getting ready.

He can't read the word bread or breed. He's getting ready to do his special. So where are you doing your special? I should do tape my special at a woman's college. I'm doing Santa Barbara Pasadena Riverside tickets on sale now. On February 15th, 16th, 17th, Santa Barbara Pasadena Riverside where you're opening acts. Jason Lawhead is going to be in Santa Barbara, Joe Bartnick Pasadena and Nate Craig and Riverside. That's it.

It's the white male tour. I'm going old school here. All right. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the weekend. You can't and I'll talk to you after the Super Bowl. I'll either be in a great mood or a very subdued mood, one or the other, but I'll see you on Monday. There's a video down ahead.

A lot of people sent me this week. It was about these fucking bank of cocksuckers there. Let's see what is it here. This is in the BBC News. HSBC imposes restrictions on large cash withdrawals. All right. So at HSBC, customers have been prevented, some customers have been prevented from withdrawing large amounts of cash because they could not provide evidence of why they wanted it. The BBC has learned.

Isn't it learned? Has it learned? Anyways, listeners have told Radio 4's money box, not to be confused with nature's box, they were stopped from withdrawing amounts ranging from five grand. Oh, 5,000 pounds to 10,000 pounds. HSBC admitted it is not informed customers of the change in policy, which was implemented in November. The bank says it has now changed its guidance to staff. So basically, this guy went down. They said, can I have my 5,000 pounds that I earned and I put in this bank for safety?

They said no. He said, can I have 4,000 pounds? They said no. And then I wrote one out, I guess one withdrawal slip for 3,000 pounds and they said, okay, we'll give you that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they got a bunch of bad press and now allegedly they're changing it. So a bunch of people said, you know, what's the fucks with these banker cunts? You know, it's our money.

Yada, yada, yada and all that shit. I got news for you. It's not your money. All right. It's their money. If you print it, it's theirs. Okay. And your job is to take the money that they give you for working your ass off all weekend.

Your job is to then take that money and give it back to them or get your ass into debt with it. Think about it. You work all fucking week. Do you even hold money in your fucking hand anymore? They give it to you on this fucking piece of paper. All right. I know a lot of people are rolling their eyes right now, but I got a point at the end of this shit. Okay.

You take it down to these fuckers and you just give it to them. Now, this is the thing. The reason why they didn't give that person the 10,000 pounds, do you know why they didn't give it to them? It's because they don't have it. I'm not saying that they don't physically have 10,000 pounds in the bank. Yes, they do. But they don't have 10,000 pounds available to give to just some random jackass who goes, oh, by the way, I want to take 10,000 pounds out right fucking now.

They don't have it. Well, I don't know about how it works in England, but as far as in the United States, they don't have it for the simple fact that when if you went down and you deposit some regular fucking Tom, Dick, Harry or Louise and you deposit 10 grand into a bank. Back in the old days, when there was some sort of rules and regulations governing these out of control cunts, when you ran a bank, you had on your books, like you could only loan out a certain percentage of the money. Oh, the bank was in violation. Like, like say, let's just say to make it easy that a million dollars was deposited into your bank.

You could only at during that time, you could only loan out. I don't know what the percentage was, but it was like 300 grand of it, 400 grand. I forget what the percentage was, but you could you couldn't go past a certain tipping point because God forbid if there was a run on money and everybody started withdrawing, the bank would fail. Now any bank, if everybody shows up and tries to take the money out is going to fail because, you know, they they they loan out a certain percentage of it. All right, but throughout the years, they kept pushing that percentage up more and more and more and more to the point that they got up to not only can they loan out 100% of the deposits from the hard work and the people that deposit the money in there. They can actually then create another two million dollars off that million, something like that. Like, so if you deposit 10 grand, they can take your full 10 grand, loan it out, plus another 10 grand off that 10 grand, plus another 10 grand off that 10 grand.

So they basically just invented slash counterfeited 20 grand that didn't even fucking exist off that 10 grand. They got 30 grand loaned out so they can make the money off that fucking 20% interest off of that kicking you half a percent in your fucking account. And they just sit there knowing full well at some point, whatever bubble they're creating is going to burst shit is going to hit the fan. You're going to be ass out and they're too big to fail. And at worst case scenario that you're going after a corporation and what are they they're just they're just they're faceless corporation is faceless. They take their bonuses is just sitting there waiting for John Cougar Mellon camp to write you a fucking song and fucking jackass aid and they're out there buying a new fucking yacht. All right, did that make sense. And I know you guys are going to be a girl you're full of shit blah blah blah you don't know what the fuck you're talking about you sound like a moron.

Hey, I'll take all of that. But I'm going to tell you this for like the fucking hundredth time in my stand up career. When I was in Albuquerque, I had a banker come up to me and was laughing going I know you hate us. And I said listen, am I a moron in the podcast and they always say no. They go no, you're not. You know this some factual errors a little bit here or there but basically what you're saying is 100% true. I talked conspiracy theory one time in my own bank. As I was trying to set something up new on my account, I was talking to a banker about conspiracy theory.

And he was talking about banking and was talking about how scary and fucked up it was and he was asking me what I plan to do. What do you think about gold and silver coins? What do you think about growing zucchini and I was most tense whispering and shit. I'm telling you. And I have no solution. So what I'm really being right now is a fucking fear monger. But this is the great thing about banking is that I would say a good 95% of people walking around with a fucking goddamn tootsie pop in their mouth, pulling their fucking Hawaiian shorts out of their ass crack, believe in it.

All right. And as long as they continue to believe in it, you can kind of exist in the game drafting behind their uninformed. I don't know what the fucking word is. I'm so I'm too stupid to do this, but you just basically like, I don't know. I am of the belief that if you can get a fucking house, buy one that you can afford and then pay that fucker down as soon as you can. And all of that shit that people say where they go, oh, it's not an investment because you got to do it. Fuck that. Pay off your fucking house. And then if the bank fails, you still have a house. Who gives a fuck if you paid 700 grand for it?

Now it's only worth 100 grand. You still have a house as much as that sucks. At least you still have it like the fucking stock market, right? You work your whole goddamn life. You stick it in that, stick it in this over there and you think you're being conservative. The thing shits the bed and in the end you can be left with nothing. So I am into tangible shit. Can you tell I screamed whenever I do a podcast the day after I went to a game or I did a lot of shows.

I sound like I'm going through puberty again. I apologize, but I believe in investing in tangible shit. And don't let your wife or your husband be like, oh, we got kids. We got to save up for their college education. You know what? Fuck their college education. All right? Take out a loan. Take out a fucking loan.

You're paying interest on your house now. The amount of money that you're going to save knocking down your principal will pay for most if not all of their college education. All right? Unless they just go to some unbelievably expensive school and you're, I don't know, living in some little house on the prairie, Michael Landon smoking a pipe. So there you go. So that's why. That's why when they go down there, because they're not going to give 10 grand or 10 pounds to the average jackass walking in there

because that starts fucking with their game, which is pretending that all the money is there and that it's safe. And that there's nothing to worry about and nothing to see here. So what they do is they pull this shit and they bully people individually over in the corner behind that bulletproof glass. And they're like, no, you have to get a note and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And most people like they have a parent-child relationship their entire life. They come out as a child. Their parents tell them what to do, what they can and can't do when they can eat, when they have to go to bed and they go off into the world. You know, you go to school.

We're going to lunch now. If you have a question, raise your hand and you stay in that mentality. So to the point you have a fucking adult who earned the money will go into a bank. You know, God bless this person who actually fucking was like, no, this is my money and complained and brought this out to light. But do you think this is the only person they did that to? The money's not there, man. Yeah, like if you had like two, 300 grand in an account and you decide that you just want to fucking take it out like if you physically want the money. If you want to transfer it like fucking numbers hit enter, they'll fucking do that all day.

No worries. But if you actually wanted the paper, like you can't just walk in there and be like, yes, I'd like my 300 grand and they'd be like, OK, come out with big sacks of money. You got to call them days if not a week in advance. And then what they got to do is frantically call around in front, find an armored car with enough of this paper. That isn't worth shit other than the fact that the guy with the underwear and his ass still believes in it. They got to drive that there so they can physically keep the lie going. All right. There you go.

So that's the end of my my fucking bar room banking 101. All right. And you know, I don't give a fuck about your opinions either because I'm not enlightened as a human being. If you don't agree with what I said, then you know, just laugh at me and continue on with your fucking day because you're actually helping me out as long as you keep fucking believing in it. But I think the day the wave hitting the beach is coming soon because, you know, at least in this country, I mean, the government shut down for three fucking days. And I know it made for great standup material, but that is absolutely fucking terrifying. Every year when August comes around and we hit the debt ceiling and we just keep raising it, we just keep pushing more of shit under the bed. Like eventually it's not all I don't know.

That's probably the wrong analogy. I don't know what the fuck we're doing, but eventually the shit is going to hit the fan. So I'm not saying I'm going to survive it, whatever the fuck happens, but I do have a game plan. My game plan is to pay off my house as quickly as I can. So when the first wave of people are being brought to the, I don't know what euphemism they're going to be using for detention camps. I figure it'll be like, well, you can't pay off your house for repossessing the house. So now we're going to move you to alternative relaxing living, whatever the fuck they're going to call it. At least I won't be in that first wave of people.

I will have my house paid off and I will stand there dressed like a court jester with my little fancy cane going, but get off my property and then look at me and be like, oh, look at this little cunt thinking he has power. All right, we'll be back for you. We'll be back for you in like a month or so. Let's just get the, let's get the mouth breathers first. Let's get the easy people, then we'll weed out the red cunts and then it'll all be ours. Somehow ties in to how they're trying to make robots more and more human like. All right, this is the kind of shit.

This story right here, that seems like a victory for the common man. And what it really is, is just moving the ball forward on the development of robots so they can eventually phase us out. And then they can just have robot people that will never, never complain. Then of course, if you watch science fiction movies, they somehow take over the humans, which they're not going to do. They're not going to do that. All right, we made you. All right, we'll unplug you. We won't fix you.

I'll dump some water on you. You know, this is the deal. Every fucking web designer, when he builds your website, or he builds you a secure site, always builds in a fucking back door. All right, so the guys making the robots are going to do the same fucking thing. There's no way the Illuminati is going to have a bunch of robots that are stronger than them, don't need to sleep and all that type of shit. And like they watch science fiction movies. These fuckers are science fiction. How crazy do I sound this week?

I'm actually enjoying every fucking second of this. They're going to have a back door, you know, somewhere up that robot's ass. There's got to be something that they can fucking do. Some button they have to push. All right, so there you go. Was that weird enough for you? Huh? I'm sorry.

What do you want from me? You know, a fucking weird guy. Make your face up in your favorite disguise. With your button down next. And your roll of london. With your empty smile. And your hungry heart. Feel the foam rising.

But they're beautiful. With your nails and tattoos. As the goggles are shattered. And the hammers back up. Don't you toy. You better run. Hey, what's going on is bill burr. And it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 31st, 2011.

How are you? How are you doing really? Oh, that's good to hear. You know, I was worried about you. That, you know, something you see, it just goes to show you, doesn't it? It just goes to show you that if you sit around and you think positive thoughts, you'll have a happy Monday. Are you having a happy Monday?

Happy Monday to you. I'm not having a happy Monday. I fucking flew back from Dallas, Texas, which is why the podcast is a little bit late, among other fucking technology goddamn reasons, because I bought a new fucking microphone and I brought it out to Texas with me. And it just picked up the entire room. And I did a whole fucking podcast. I was going to upload it like a good boy midnight.

So even my friends over there in jolly old England, way back over there in Sweden, and even those couple of cunts that listen in Mongolia would have something on a Monday morning, wherever the fuck they're at. What happened? I went back and I listened to it and it sounded like ass. And I was like, I'm not subjecting my listeners to this. How do you like that? You like that? Isn't that a great excuse for being late? I'm late because I was thinking about you.

I was thinking about your needs. I think I care too much. Oh God, I feel like shit. I forgot to bring my vitamins with me, right? I'm such a fucking old man. Did that motherfucker just hit the floor down there? I think now I'm just hearing things. Fuck that old guy. And his balls. Yeah, I forgot to bring my vitamins.

Speaking of old, I have to bring vitamins with me when I'm on the road now. I can't fucking do it anymore after years of breathing in that airline food. Listen to my voice right now, right? A lot of the ladies probably thinks it sounds a little bit sexy. This is what I sound like when I'm beginning to get sick. And I forgot all my shit. All my pills. I'm a little man. All my pills that I fucking take when I'm on the road so I don't get sick.

You fly out. I'm always flying back fucking east. You know, so then I got to get up at six in the morning, which is really like four in the morning for me. Then I do radio, then I try to come back and go to sleep with the fucking suns out. I can't do it. Then I do my shows and then I'm fucking shaking everybody's hands afterwards. And then I fucking, you know, rub my face. You know, the next thing you know, I got road aids. You know, but it's curable. It's curable by fucking three shitty days sitting in your own fucking apartment. It's my big announcement for the week, people. I have road aids.

The first known case of 2011. It's early this year and you know, it's my fault. I didn't protect myself. So yeah, I'm a little under the weather this week. So, but I'm going to fucking bring it like Jerry Lewis, you know, who never sat down in his tuxedo pants. So I'm laying down right now. So I'm going to try to bring the fucking funny. Let me tell you about my weekend. All right, people, I went out to Dallas, Texas. I went out that way and I performed at the new improv in Arlington, Texas.

Despite the fact that kept saying I was in Addison on last week's podcast. I was in Arlington. Did any of you guys accidentally go to Addison? You wouldn't have been disappointed. You would have saw Earthquake, a fucking good friend of mine. Someone I highly recommend you go see live. Fucking you want to hear one of fucking great off the top of his head out the top of your fucking headline that I saw him do one time. What a fuck worthy. We were some fucking room in the Bronx or some shit. I can't remember was one of those fucking clubs were like two days after we did it. It got shut down because somebody shot off a pistol in there was one of those fucking things, you know, back when I was like, I'm going to do the psychoist rooms ever. You know, and then I won't be nervous when I'm doing Letterman.

Well, you know what? It doesn't work that way. You just get used to doing shitty rooms. But then when you go to do Letterman, you're like, oh, wait, this, this is this is a different kind of pressure. That kind of pressure is well, no one's paying attention. How the fuck can I get these people to listen? But then it's kind of easy because it's like, well, then that's, you know, it's supposed to suck. So if you do OK, then then people like, wow, that was amazing. But if you do Letterman, you're supposed to do well. Everybody's paying attention. They got the air conditioner on everybody's facing forward. Right. Whatever. So I'm in this fucking room trying to figure out what the fuck I'm going to say to try to get try to get the crowd going before they realize how disgustingly white I am, which they're going to see before I even get to the fucking mic stand.

What's his face? Earthquake was on stage. Wait, was this in Atlanta? I can't fucking remember anymore. I was doing whatever. I was doing some fucking room, right? And he was up there killing and he looked over in the crowd and there was a woman sitting in there, this large woman who was not good looking. OK, I'm not trying to be mean, but her face was a mess. OK, I'm talking like a Rottweiler with a dress and she had one of those big, you know, those African hats. It kind of looks like the Pope hat, but it's more looks sort of like a vase and it just goes straight up. You know, didn't one of those early rappers with the giant chunky gold chains? Didn't she wear one of those UNID? Why? That's a unity. Didn't she wear one of those?

So anyways, the girl is sitting in the crowd and he's in the middle of killing. And the second he sees her, he's in the middle of telling a joke. He just says he called her Erica, but don't. It was one of the funniest and meanest fucking things. I was fucking brilliant. It was right off the top of his head, but it was so fucking mean because she didn't say anything. And, you know, she really didn't deserve it, but it was just what I liked about it was he didn't point at her. He just looked at her and just to himself went, Erica, but don't. And, you know, the people in that section knew and they just fucking that was what I liked about it was he just said it.

He said, I don't give a fuck that only people sitting because, you know, the rest of the crowd couldn't see her. Whatever. So whatever. If I fucked up, if you went to the Addison Improv, you saw earthquakes. So there you go. There you go. But anyways, I was out in Arlington, Texas this week to go out there to the Texas, Oklahoma area with those girls with the huge faces in the big heads. And I saw a lot of them saw a lot of big headed Texas girls and I saw a lot of cutie pies too. One way or the other out there, they're either fucking drop dead gorgeous. How you doing? How you out? You want some grits? Gorgeous. Or they just have these fucking Mount Rushmore heads, hair teased up because it's Dallas. Everything's big in Dallas.

Just giant Fred Flintstone fucking heads that doesn't stop them from teasing up their hair. They look like those Texas girls with the big heads when they're done with the eye shadow teasing up their hair. They look like fucking Nikki Six. Do you realize the fucking balls I have to attack how anybody looks? Do you understand that? A balding fucking redhead. Do you understand the level of fucking balls that that takes? So anyways, the first night I fly in and the club owner out there, he's a little fella. He stands about four foot eleven. He's adorable. He likes to dress little fucking shiny shirts. Just a little fella.

He scoots his seat right up to the steering wheel. He scoots his seat all the way as far up as you could possibly scoot his seat and his arms are still straight when he's holding onto the fucking steering wheel. I'm just being a dick in case he's listening. So anyways, he picks me up right and we went right to the fucking Dallas Mavericks Houston Rockets game. Sat right behind the fucking, this is how great my weekend was, sat right behind the Houston Rockets bench. Okay, well actually there's the bench and then there's the fucking guys who hand them the water bottles. Then there was a fucking court little alley and then there was us. It was fucking ridiculous. Alright, and I'm sitting there getting to see all this shit. You don't get to see when you watch a game on TV like towards the end of the fucking game.

I saw, you know, it was one of those deals where they needed two scores, you know, don't shoot a three. Just get a quick two and then try and foul do that shit. So the fucking point guard goes, you know what, I don't see any other teammates. I guess it's all up to me for some reason. He decided to do this and one bullshit. Right? Fucking one of the most spectacular missed layups you've ever seen in your fucking life. If you did a percentage of the odds of the fucking thing going in, it was probably even with a good NBA player, like a 40% shot. That's what the fuck he took when they needed, they needed a big score, right? Didn't even look, just brought it up the court, did it all himself. Alright? And fucking missed it.

And I immediately see, you know, because I'm sitting there, I saw the coaching staff's reaction. They just, ah, you know, one fucking Slater dropped that ball and Super Bowl fucking 13 and Roger Stah back went, ah, just fucking, that's what they did. All three of them in unison, like backup dancers did the exact same thing. Ah, just looked over their left fucking shoulder. And then they all went over and they sat down on the bench like, well, this fucking game's over. Okay, so the Rockets quickly foul someone on the Mavericks. They go up to the line. I think the fucking point guard did it because he's standing up there by half court and I see him calling over the coaches. He's going, hey coach, you go, should I foul? You want me to foul? And the coach won't even look at him. And then I see the player on the floor just rolls his eyes like, ah, shit. I'm gonna fucking hear about this one, right?

That's how close I was. I'm sitting there. I'm absolutely giddy. To the left of me, to the right of me, I'm sorry, we're three ladies. Right? They weren't even hot. They were like sorta hot, you know. They did all the shit that hot girls do. They had fancy clothes. They had on the eyeliner. They teased up their hair, but they just were, you know, when you watch American Idol and someone can almost sing. Kind of like the way I sing. Picture the way I sing. I'm almost there. Listen, row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. You know, I just said stream, right? That's the kind of good looking they are. You are right. It wasn't that bad. Right up to the stream. That's what happens. You know, that ass isn't bad. Those titties aren't that bad either, and then you look at that face, stream, you're like fuck. Really? How the fuck are you sitting this close?

So not only were they sitting there, they weren't fucking paying attention. This is why I am fucking, I don't know if the word is racist. I don't know if it's, it's not racist. Good looking women, it's not, it's not a racial thing. I don't know if I'm sexist. No, because it's not a woman thing. It's a specific kind of fucking, I just, I fucking beautiful women. I don't know, you know, you know, when you go to the golf course, you know what guys tee off in my fucking mental world versus where the women tee off in my world. Mentally beautiful women. They got a tee off way back there. They got to go that extra fucking 30 goddamn yards, because I just immediately assume that you're going to be exactly like these fucking cunts who were sitting next to me. They sat there and they had their fucking stupid noise makers, right, which is always a sign of a bad franchise, by the way. I've said this for fucking years. And for some reason, some of you are, you're not hearing me. Okay.

If your fans suck so bad that they have to give them noise makers. So they can sound like a fucking enthusiastic crowd. Okay. Noisemakers like it's fucking New Year's Eve or some shit, right. So they're sitting there. I took a picture of it and it's going to be up on the M M podcast, by the way. The girl next to me is holding her two little thundersticks in her left hand and sorry, my voice is fucked up in her left hand. And then she's texting on her blackberry with her thumb, and the blackberry is wrapped in this little hot pink fucking just annoyed the shit out of me. And at one point, somebody throws an alley-oop for this monster fucking dunk. The crowd goes crazy. She misses the whole fucking thing.

She sets down her blackberry and then starts clapping the thundersticks together just because he hears the crowd. And she just goes, yay. And then put it right back to what the fuck she was doing. Yeah, it shouldn't have annoyed me, but it did. It annoyed me. And then at one point, her and the two other whore friends kept yelling over at somebody who worked from the Madricks. They were going, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch. You know, they do that in Dallas. They'll take a one syllable word and they make it, they can make it two. Like, I'm going to Bayard. They're going, Mayard. And I look over and Mitch turns out to be one of these jackasses who comes running out like sort of skipping and running at the same time with one of those guns.

And he shoots fucking t-shirts up into the upper deck. You know, you know those fucking guys, you ever want to just punch someone in the face more when you see them with their eyebrows up and they're pointing up at the upper deck like, huh, you want a free t-shirt? Do you? They do that stupid little skip step, you know, across the court and then they stop, you know, feet parallel to each other. And then they just stick one hand up in the air and the girls do this and then they sort of jump in a circle waving. It's just, it's, you know, first of all, it's embarrassing to watch people freak out that much about a fucking free t-shirt. You know, it's like, what is it? Fucking 10 bucks. Go buy one. People up there hanging up. I'm telling you, someone's going to fall out of that fucking upper deck and they're going to, it's going to be the dumbest death ever. And I'm going to laugh and I'm going to watch it on YouTube and I'm going to have no sympathy for the person because you're, it's a t-shirt.

So anyways, he turns out he's one of these guys and he wasn't really a good looking guy either, but he works for the Maverick. So he has three sort of hotties. You know, fortunately with guys, it's not how you look. It's the position you're in in life. He just doesn't realize it that he could have got three better looking women. But you know, he's too busy looking at his imperfections when he brushes his teeth. That's what I think. Did that story go off the rails? I think it did. Then I did my fucking shows at the, at the improv. I had great shows and then Sunday I'm sitting around doing and the Oklahoma City Thunder had a game against the fucking Miami.

Heat. Okay. And I'm like, well, I live in Los Angeles. If I wanted to sit down close to see the Miami heat at a fucking Lakers game, I mean, I'm going to have to fucking shell out two grand and blow Hugh Hefner. So fuck it. I'm going to go up there. You know what face value for the tickets were face value of sitting behind the goal where Chris Bosch and fucking Durant got in each other's faces. I was sitting behind that goal about fucking, I don't know, 15 rows up. They yelled really loudly. I could hear what the fuck they were saying. You know what face value on those tickets was 55 bucks underrated going to a sporting event in fucking Oklahoma. All right, don't sleep on those in the middle of nowhere fucking cities. It's great.

The cost of living is so much lower ticket prices are fucking lower and you can sit down low like your fucking Ben Stiller or some shit. Well, 20 rows behind where he would be sitting and then I'm also on the side and I couldn't see part of it because the fucking goal was in the way. But other than that, it was great. And I got to tell you underrated also is the fucking Oklahoma Thunder fucking fans, man. They had great fans and they had a phenomenal fucking stadium. It was bare bones. It was like reverse Staples Center. So and the tickets were cheap and people, you know, could afford to go and they had a big upper deck and they only had one row of luxury boxes. So it was loud as hell. It was way louder than the fucking Staples Center.

You know, and I actually liked it better than the fucking goddamn bank north fleet garden, whatever the fuck they call that back in Boston, that awful arena. Those two fucking legendary franchises, the Bruins and the Celtics and that's the fucking arena that you build them. You go down to Home Depot and you buy 16,000 cinder blocks and you just make a big fucking square. That's what that's what we get. You know, we had this unbelievable home ice home court advantage back in the day and I feel like I'm in a food court when I'm in that fucking place. So so anyways, yeah, I was sitting right there when they were talking shit and evidently Kevin Durant went off on him afterwards. Said he was one of those fake tough guys and it was all the big fucking gossip around the NBA and I was there was fucking psyched. And I know you guys think I'm fucking nuts for doing that shit. What else was I going to do sit in my hotel room? Tell the feature act to pick me up and go take me to get some fucking barbecue.

I can't do it anymore. You know, went up there. You know, it's great about that. That drive from Dallas to Oklahoma City is just it's in between the two cities when you're in the middle of fucking nowhere. Right. And you go you go over the Red River, which I didn't even know I was going to go to the Red River rivalry game last year. Right. I didn't even know what the fucking Red River was. I didn't know what it was what because they kicked the shit out of each other and there's a river of blood afterwards. I had no fucking idea. Evidently, that's that river that runs along the south of the state that gives its its its shape. Right. So you fucking go over that river.

And then that's when all the signs about Jesus, they all start coming out. I took one creepy fucking photo. This was outside of a gas station. What the fuck is my phone? Like, that's the type of shit, you know, you're driving down the street, right? And, you know, I saw at one point there were like four crosses on the side of the road for like, I guess four people died in a goddamn accident. I don't know. They fucking sideswiped an ox or some shit. I mean, it was like in the middle. It was like the middle of fucking nowhere. And what the hell was that time I did that podcast and I was telling you that that guy. Oh, I know when you drive from fucking Cincinnati down to Nashville somewhere in Kentucky, can somebody send me a picture of this?

Somebody has the 10 commandments written out in signage on the the outskirts of his of his farm. It's really fucking frightening. Let me see if I can find this here. I'm scrolling. You know, you get out there. Yeah, it's all shit about Jesus or it's or it's a it's a farm or it's a casino. Here it is. Here it is. We pulled over for gas. What does this sign say? His blood paid all. You know, it's like, can I enjoy my fucking day? Can I just drive up and go see a basketball game without you bringing up the fact that somebody got tortured to death so I can somehow make it to fucking La La Land, which I'm not going to. I'm not going to make it. Right. You've heard the podcast. You think God doesn't have itunes. I'm fucked. There's no way I'm making it.

I don't even buy into that shit. You know, somebody last week, you know, because I went off on fucking J star there last week. Right. Fucking boss's son. Oh, fucking twinkle toes himself. The originator of the Bergen stock fucking look that guy. You know, later went on to play bass in Nirvana. Right. Isn't that what Jesus did? That's the reason he already came back. You guys missed it. What was the fuck was I talking about? I was on such a great little fucking tangent there and I had to bring up Nirvana. What the fuck did I do that for? All right, Bill, you ever do this shit when you can't remember what you're talking about? You're going to back it up in your head. All right, his blood for you. Oh, I know. Yeah. Yeah, somebody last week sent me this fucking email.

See if I can find this shit. It was hilarious because he had in the subject. In all capital letters, it just said answer me. Right. And I don't know if it was somebody fucking around or what, but it was some dude who was annoyed by me taking the Lord's name in vain. There it is. Answer me, Bill. Here we go. It's from a guy. I know I don't say names, but what are the odds that some Jesus freak would have a first name Travis? I wish you would stop using Jesus Christ's name in vain. Oh, Jesus. What do you have against religion anyway? I think you are confused about the whole thing. Attend a good Bible believing church, talk to the pastor and actually listen to him. I like how he assumes that I talked to a pastor. I didn't listen. You see, did you catch that little passive aggressiveness? Talk to the pastor. Why don't you fucking listen this time?

I would really appreciate it if you would be open about Jesus and Christianity. It will change your life exclamation point. Guarantee exclamation point yet spelled wrong. He's spelled Guarantee. G-U-R-A-N-T. His name is Travis Guarante. I'm telling you, you should get to Jesus. It's going to change your life. What do you have against? Well, let me read back this and let me give it the most stereotypical horrific fucking accent I can. I wish he'd stop using Jesus' name in vain. What do you have against religion anyway? I find it oppressive. That's what I don't like about it. I don't like how they use fear or how they try to scare the shit out of me. Since the day I'm fucking born. Don't even fucking sit there and act like they don't. They do. It's fucking annoying.

They don't know what happens to you when you die. So stop scaring the shit out of me. I think you go right to the fucking ground. That's what you do. And you fucking, you make the soil richer, right? And then next thing you know, there's a mosquito flying out of it. Thanks to you. It works for all of us. The United Way. Right? That's what I think. I don't have a problem with religion. Okay? I shit on it the way I shit on everything else. Why do you just fucking send me emails when I talk about old J-Star there? You know? I tend to good Bible believing church. I did. I did it my whole fucking life. And you know what? Turned out they were fucking kids. You know? Do you understand that, Travis? Do you understand what they did to society? The amount of fucking just people who came forward.

And how that's going to affect the person that they marry and the way they raise their fucking kids and the hangups that they're going to have. That shit is going to last for fucking centuries. Okay? And forget about the fucking Spanish inquisition, all these fucking wars. What is wrong? Like, I don't understand these fucking people who can't see the ridiculous level of death that has been caused because everybody just trying to fucking... I'm really preaching right now. I gotta shut up. But this is just how I feel. Fucking ask me. All right? I just, you know, I believe in the be a good person even though I'm not. You know? And I can't even say I'm trying to be. I've quit. I've quit trying to be a good person. I've been living in accordance to the church of Satan. And I have. All right? And I know right now you're thinking I'm in here and I'm fucking sacrificing a fucking lamb or some shit, talking to old fucking El Diablo there.

I'm not. That's not what the church of Satan is about. That's what the fuck you guys told me it was about. And then one day back in the day, I had a radio show with young Joe de Rosa, the teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony program. And we was, Halloween was coming up. We said, why don't we have some of these Satanist people come in here? Let's see if they can freak us out. So he was sitting there asking about the devil and all that. And they go, yeah, we don't, we don't believe in that shit. That's organized religion came up with that. We don't believe, we don't believe that there's a heaven or a hell. We don't believe in the devil. We don't believe in any of that stuff. So I was like, all right, so what are you guys believing? And he's just like, basically doing what feels good to you, you know, which means, you know, fucking banging a bunch of hotties. You want a hot fudge Sunday, you go on your fucking eat it. If you want peace and quiet, you don't have kids, you just, you live for yourself.

That's basically what that's, that's their version of it. So that's what I'm saying. I've been living for myself. It's ridiculous. All right, I play hockey, I play drums, I tell jokes, I go to fucking basketball games. I'm not passing any knowledge on to anybody who half looks like me and half looks like my beautiful girlfriend. I'm living a very selfish fucking life. So, but I don't need Jesus. Do I Travis? Is that what you're yelling right now? No, that's what I have against it. You know, I got to make some of this funny. All right, I don't have a problem if you're into organized religion. I don't, but I, I don't understand why, I don't know, people just don't see how that everything kind of says the same shit. And then you just have a different guy that you're saying it to. And then for some reason, if the other guys don't believe in your guy, eventually you end up killing them. Either one-on-one face-to-face or you let some fuckhead tell you what those other people are like and how they're going to get you and they're going to do all this fucking evil shit.

Right? And then you go over there and you fucking kill them while those fucking rich cunts sit there, you know, playing footsie with each other. You know, resting their feet on bars of gold. That's what they do. They roll around in cash, you know. That's what they do. You think, you think that's what bankers do? Just sit there, just like change. They just dive into it like a jacuzzi, just coins. Sitting there creepy giggle. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So that's why Travis, all right, that's why I do it, because I don't fucking believe in it. I don't believe in it. I don't believe a fucking word of it. I believe in a higher power. I don't know what the fuck it is. I don't know what happens when you die. But I'm not listening to you or any other fucking idiot who, you know, wants to rub one out to his teacher because you do. All right, stop fighting thought you do. Just take it out, rub it out, have a good fucking time with your goddamn dick. Stop having some other fucking person tell you what you can jerk off to. All right.

Ah, God, that was cathartic. That felt good. That felt good for you guys. How about you, Mitch? Mitch Travis? Dakota? All right. What are we talking about now? What do I got here? Let's move on to... Oh, I gotta read you this shit. Hello to everyone over there in England. I know I keep saying this tour is coming together. It is. It is coming together. England, Ireland, Scotland. This fucking thing is going to come together and I'm trying to tack on a Scandinavian tour as well. And then maybe some Australia in the fall. All right. So by all means, I love hearing from other countries. All right. And I don't give a shit if you trash fucking America. I don't give a fuck. I just want to hear what you think. I mean, I'm not going to agree with you on a lot of it.

But let me know what's going on over your way so I can try to make this thing not so specific to Jesus Freaks in Texas. All right. This is from England. This is some sort of sport. This is kind of about sports controversies this week. I don't know if that was a controversy between Chris Bosch and Kevin Durant. All I know was it was great. You know, I thought it was awesome. I like when they get in each other's face, they start fucking screaming and yelling. And they played the game. It was a fucking awesome game. And I think I became a Thunder fan. Dude, by the way, their mascot is the shit. I don't know what the fuck it is. I get, I get why that one doesn't make sense. You know what I mean? Like the Phoenix Suns, why they have a gorilla. I have no fucking idea. I guess a gorilla like all living things needs the sun. But other than that, that's the only connection I make with a gorilla and the fucking sun.

So, you know, whatever, San Diego had the San Diego Chicken. That made no fucking sense for the Padres, but the dude was hilarious. So anyways, this fucking dude for the, what's his name? His name is Rumble. Is that his name? I don't know. I began with an R. I can't fucking remember, but he looks like where the wild things are. One of those things. This fucking dude came out, had his, at half court, had his back to the fucking rim. Two handed, threw it over his head without looking with the mascot shit on and nothing but net. All right. And then walked off the court like it was nothing. I know he doesn't hit it every fucking game, but it was pretty goddamn impressive. And then later on, he comes out on a fucking drum kit in the goddamn costume and starts jamming with these fucking, this mini drum line, killing it. And as he's fucking killing it on the drum kit, the drum kit, I don't know how, starts going around the fucking, the mini drum line people.

They're like standing basically where the center court is, where the basketball is. And then this thing starts revolving around it like a goddamn planet around the sun. Like very fast, you know, to the point that, you know, almost to the point where he could fucking fall off and he's still keeping the beat. This dude was the shit. So anyways, how the fuck did I get into that? Oh, I know. We're talking sports car traverses here. So this guy sends me this thing from England. This is hilarious. These two guys who basically, as far as I can tell, they commentate for the Premier League, which is the English soccer league over there. For my money, it's the best one out there. You know, my little bit of knowledge. It's just fucking, you know, 150 years, a ton of 20, 50 years of tradition with some of these teams. And fans go fucking nuts. People get trampled to death. It's everything that you love about sports, right? So evidently, these commentators, first of all, they got busted. They didn't know their mics were on and they were shitting on this lady who was working on the sidelines. Basically, not even saying like, you know, I'd love to fucking bang her, basically saying she didn't know what the fuck she was doing.

They just didn't know that their mics were on. So now, of course, one of them has to step down and the other one's cast to like apologize profusely. Here's basically what happened. You guys got, I have the YouTube videos too. You got to watch these things. They're hilarious. I says, hey, Bill, here in England, there's currently a very funny shitstorm surrounding two Sky Sports Premier League broadcasters. I'm guessing Sky Sports is like their sports channel, ESPN or something. So anyways, they're in trouble for sexist comments. They made about a female official. See, I mean, I only listened to her once, but I didn't hear them saying like, oh, look at the tits on her. They just said that she's stunk at her job. You know, has it come to that if you just criticize a woman for doing a job that a guy usually does that automatically becomes sexist? I don't remember them saying anything like that. Granted, I'm a fucking moron.

But I mean, wouldn't these guys know? Who would know better than these guys? These guys are the guys, right? So anyways, he says, new footage keeps appearing on YouTube as people seem to be digging up shit on these guys. It is well funny as they are a pair of cozy smug cunts who have such great jobs. Ah, you got to fucking love English people. Well, cozy smug cunts. Can you please send me audio of you saying that in your fucking accent so I can play it for my listeners next week? Cozy smug cunts who have such great jobs. Is that what a cozy smug cunt is? What a fucking tremendous description of some douche who didn't earn his fucking position, sits in a corner office. Hang on a second. I got to go talk to that cozy smug cunt down the fucking hall.

Anyways, one has been sacked. That means fired. Conspiracy theory is that it's linked to the fact that he's suing a sister company newspaper for phone tapping. Yeah, I don't know what happened there. Did someone tap his phone? I have no idea. And the other one was eating his own balls on the radio today apologizing like mad trying to save his career. I thought this story might appeal to you as I know you love a good broadcaster balls up and a bit of woman trashing thrown in for good measure. Here are some clips from the story. Okay, so he gives me the clips of them making sexist comments. I'd play it for you, but you really as an American got to listen to it a couple of times to pick up everything that's saying because they're talking really fast. But the best thing is he sent me this other clip and it's the same two broadcasters and they're doing, they're basically speaking over highlights of women's soccer, which as far as I can tell, the quality level is the equivalent of the WNBA during the first two weeks that it came out. So they start doing the highlights and these fucking broads are so bad at playing football that they just start laughing.

Do you understand that? Not in a mean way. It's what made them laugh was the lack of level of quality of these fucking broads the way they were playing the game. They sucked. You should see this one fucking, you got to watch this video. Have it up on the mmpodcast.com. This girl, right? The fucking goalie falls down. I don't know what happened. She stepped on the string of her fucking tampon. Sorry, that was mean. She fucking falls down or whatever. She's horrifically out of position. So the other girl, she has basically three quarters of the net to shoot this little fucking ball in. Those of you who don't know shit about soccer, a goal in soccer, you could drive three of those double decker fucking red London buses through it. So she's got three, you could drive two fucking buses through it. She kicks the ball somehow she gets underneath it. This thing fucking shoots up in the air, hits underneath the crossbar, comes back out onto the field of play. And then because of the spin on the ball, it's somehow by the grace of God, trickles into the fucking net. It was one of the ugliest goals ever. And then the girl starts celebrating like she's fucking pale or something. So I think that that was a high, I can't remember because I only watched it once.

These two fucking cozy smug cunts, as this guy says, they start fucking, one of them laughs, and then the other one has to continue talking. And then he starts giggling, you know, fucking immature guys are next thing you know, they're laughing their balls off. And you know what would have saved their job if one of these fucking broads could actually play soccer and wouldn't would stop doing hilarious, horrific shit on the fucking field or the pitch or whatever the fuck you call it. You know, so these guys got in trouble for that shit too, which is hilarious to me. And I'm also thinking why that's why girls suck at soccer or football, whatever the fuck you call it. See, if you suck as a guy and guys laugh at you, you have two choices, either get good so they stop laughing at you or quit the fucking sport. You don't have the option to be a stop being me to me. That's sexist stop it. And then everybody has to sit around and pretend like you don't suck at what you do for a living.

Fucking nerve of those broads to get mad. The fact that that that that that shit is on TV is the level of play that that actually makes it on TV. And some guy is 20 times as good who can't make it into the Premier League is never going to get on television. These fucking broads get on there, right? And that the level of fucking play that they put that on. When does that air over there? Does it come on right after Benny Hill? Is it like a comedy Thursday night? I mean, the highlights they literally should have been playing that way. So anyways, you got to check it out. And it's it's fucking tremendous. And I'm not saying that women are bad athletes, but these women were. They were horrific. All right, I'm not saying Layla Ali could not beat the living shit out of me. She could.

All right. And you know what I would expect you guys to do? Laugh your ass off during the highlight of me getting my ass kicked because I suck at boxing. I'm terrible at it. You know, I got a good temper. I'll fucking spaz out and fucking throw you on the ground if I can, you know, start punching you through tears. You know, that spaz that type of shit. That's what I used to do when I was a kid. But I try taking boxing. I just I I'm not quick. I just I don't have that quick twitch muscle fiber at all. And I have a huge fucking head. So that's not a good combination. Slow and having a big head. You don't want to get into a boxing ring. Anyways, thank you very much for sending that. And like I said, yeah, if you're in any of those those countries over there that I that I go to, which is basically London, London, and more on England, fucking Ireland and Scotland, please send me some Australia. I'm coming your way in any Scandinavian country. You're right. As far as the rest of you, you know, chime in. You got a fucking comedy zone over there. Eventually I'm going to go there.

And it's not because I give a fuck about you. It's because I see what the banks are doing. They're going global. They're going global. And I'm not going to get caught flatfooted. That's that's my that's my exit strategy for when the shit goes down. All right, I'm going to go out to Van Nuys and hopefully have a fucking private jet by then. And I'm going to as the shit starts burning over here. I'm going to jump in a goddamn plane and I'm flying to another country and I'm going to be booking gigs. Hey, remember me? Good day, mate. Coming down for a couple of weeks. You know, book me in the old fucking Foster's Lager fucking comedy tour. Goddamn bullshit that depth charge level beer. Evidently none of them drink it over there. Oh, by the way, thanks for Rupert Murdoch. All right, thank you. Thank you very much. Jesus Christ.

I thought you guys were cool over there. Um, you know, Rupert Murdoch is such a douche. He almost negates AC DC. Okay, there's a fucking statement for you. All right, let's let's go on to the next topic here. I have a splitting fucking headache. Oh, if you get a headache, you can feel your heartbeat in your ears. All right. Oh, here we go. Here's a new topic. This topic really took off this past week. The new topic is this racist racist racist racist. Um, last week, we had some people asking some questions and I can't fucking remember what the hell they were. I remember I was saying when I drive down the street and somebody cuts me off.

I play a game out here in Los Angeles, a game called older Asian and the person I'm riding with we both have to guess. One person picks old, the other person picks Asian. You know, and then you pull up alongside and you take a look and I swear to God, nine times out of 10, it's one of the other. You know, and if it's old and Asian, that's like hitting the green double zero in fucking roulette. Nobody wins unless you picked it. Unless you said old Asian. All right, so I just be like, is that fucking racist, right? Never deadly. Somebody chimed in last week and said it's actually racist and ageist to say that. So yeah, so I guess I have a racist, ageist game. But let me ask you this.

What about the factor that it's just me in my car? Aren't you allowed to say fucked up shit in your car? Doesn't everybody sort of become like Michael Douglas and falling down when you get in your car? Don't you say fucked up shit? And when I say, don't you, I mean everybody, not just white people. Come on, black people, you know what you say about us, huh? You know what you say, Mexicans, huh? You know what you say. Everybody knows what they say. Everybody says this stuff.

Samoans, come on. You know what you say when you're out there fucking tackling a tree and turning it into a fucking surfboard, right? Isn't that what you guys do? Are those the toughest fucking people on the planet? I mean, my whole knowledge of Samoans is basically professional wrestling, USC football and that dude on the Steelers. I've just never seen a fucking pussy who's a Samoan. They just, you know, those are like the actual, the real 300s people, you know, except they're not in the snow. You know, they are a bunch of fatties though.

Why don't they do a Samoan fucking biggest loser? That would be the shit. Some fat fucking Samoan dudes, you bring them in there, you get them into insane shape and then at the end of the show, rather than winning like 200,000, they just get drafted into the NFL and they become millionaires. Look at that. See that people? That's why I moved out to LA because I could just, I can create a show out of nothing. Can't get it on the fucking air, but I can create one. Yes, I am. That is cryptic talk and I'm not ready to talk about that failure in my career.

Alright, let's plow ahead. So here we go. Is this racist? This is a question I have. Is it racist for me to root for a white running back at this point? You know, considering the last good one was like Jim Kick and Larry Zonka. John Regans, right? Who's the last, that's a good, you know what, I don't know the answer to this. Who was the last white dude to win the rushing title?

Alright, let me think here. It's definitely nobody. And I mean nobody before Walter Payton. There is no fucking way. It was Walter Payton was in the league. Earl Campbell then came. Billy Sims then came into the fucking league. There was always guys and there was guys who were just, they weren't leading the league,

but they were still killing it like Joe Cribs, you remember him? Who else? John Regans was around them, but I don't think maybe the strike season did he win it? Who else came after that? George Rogers? O.J. Anderson? Tony Dorsett? How the fuck did I, Franco Harris? Rick Upchurch? No, he wasn't, he wasn't running back. Wilbert Montgomery?

I'm going right through all the fucking teams. They all had Chuck Muncie. And you find Roger Craig? Yeah, there was no way, but they had that psycho white dude who was fucking awesome on that team. I forget his name, but he wasn't leading the league. Who was the last guy? Alright, let's go pre that. And he got who? Floyd Little?

Gale Sears? We're getting back to that. Jesus Christ. Has a white running back ever done it? I don't even fucking know. So that's what I'm saying, you know, it's like when black people root for like a black quarterback. Or like all the fucking Asian people freak out when Hideki Matsui came to town. You know, and all of a sudden they give a shit about the Yankees. Because they got one of their guys on there, because there's not a lot of Asian guys in the major league baseball.

And I didn't look at them like they were racist. So, can I be excited about that fucking white dude who runs for the Cleveland Browns? Who has that face mask that looks like the front of a Dodge Ram truck? Huh? Let me know. Answer that question. I'm gonna ask you, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna work out all my bullshit on this podcast. Alright, so evidently, older Asian is agist and racist. That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop doing it.

There's no hate in my heart when I do it. You know? I'm gonna be justifying it. As I sit on a fucking bed with white sheets on it. For comfort, okay? There's none with holes in it. I'm not putting it on my head. Alright, so relax. Alright, here we go.

This is coming from Japan, but these are actually our troops. We have troops based over there, because we're making sure that no one takes the Japanese people's freedom. That's what we do. We're so concerned about everybody's freedom around the world that we muscle our way in and we put a base there. That's like our Starbucks for the world. We put a base there and we just make sure that everybody's all hunky-dory. Looking out for your best interests. Ah, fuck, am I getting sick?

Hey, Bill, your Is It Racist segment was the source of much comedy and pain yesterday for us out here, stationed in Japan. Racism is always the source of a headache, particularly in the military, where great lengths are taken to ensure that it's not tolerated at all. That's great. That's a good thing. For the most part, they do a great job. Of course, there's always gonna be idiots everywhere. But here's a funny thing that happened involving your previous podcast. Somehow, I'm fucking implicated halfway across the world. Oh, here we go.

So I'm listening to your podcast, admittedly and appropriately, at work. And my co-worker, who's also black. Let's stop. Let's look at the stats. This is a black guy. He's hanging out with another black guy. Nobody get nervous. And my co-worker, who's also black. And I are laughing at your crazy ass. Now, this guy's definitely black, because how white did that sound coming out of my mouth?

I mean, out of my voice. Sorry, people. Laughing at your crazy ass, yo. You did the doba-doba-doba thing about the Indian reading from one of your fans' letters. So my guy is like, yeah, that shit is racist. And, you know, he's gonna get an email from some idiot, asking is, Bully, bully, click, click, click, racist, Bill. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck that is. It's some sort of African accent.

He goes, I mean, oh, I keep fucking that thing up. I actually did this podcast the other day and I messed that up. Let me just read his entire quote. I'm gonna read it as white as possible. So my friend, who's African-American, said, yeah, that shit is racist. You know, he's gonna get an email from some idiot, asking, is Bully, bully, click, click, click, racist, Bill. I mean, I know I'm not racist, so I don't know. I just don't know.

Here's where it goes, Twilight Zone. A woman passing by in the hallway was evidently offended by my co-workers' insensitive impression of African dialect. So that is African. All right. Bully, bully, bully, something like that. Shakazulu, right? So this co-worker is just walking by. This dude's talking about my podcast and she gets offended by the black guy's impression of an African. All right.

Evidently, it's a white lady who gets offended. He tried to explain to her that he was using it as an example and even offered to play back the portion of the podcast that it applied to. But it seemed a bit like she was determined to take advantage of this situation to make some sort of point. So picture this visual, Bill. A white woman is sitting there preparing a statement about a black guy making racist comments about black people in front of another black guy, myself, and all of this being presented to this section commander who happens to be Japanese American.

My God. I'm sitting there as a witness, biting my lip, trying not to laugh because I swear I could see on the commander's face he was like, dear baby Jesus, what the fuck is going on here? Like he was trying to blink himself out of the room in this entire situation. So we'll see where this goes in the upcoming weeks. He sent me another email and the commander there, the Japanese American commander, told the African American to handle it within his, he just handled himself with the Caucasian American. There, was that politically correct enough?

You hit it on the head in your last podcast as far as it's what's in your heart most times in regards to whether or not something is racist. People know, fuck all that. Oh, I was unaware. Shit. If you say something or do something and then you wonder if it's racist or not, chances are it probably is slash was. If the first thing that comes out of your mouth is I'm not a racist or anything,

but I already know I'm in for some bullshit. This, the saying that anything you say, or with that saying anything you say before the word, but is automatically racist. And that is true at least 98% of the time. And nowadays the internet has just given people, mostly idiots and cowards, a voice of anonymity for shit like that. Yeah, that's something I really, I is really depressing is the fucking level of racist comments on fucking YouTube. Like that pussy shit where no one can see you.

No one can get you and you're talking all that fucking shit and I don't know. That's depressing. That is really depressing. Anyways, on the flip side, this is the shit some black people say about any other race. Oh, shit. Sorry, I was doing really well reading out loud this week. Let me blow through this last paragraph. I swear to God and I'll end the torture on the flip side is the shit some blacks say about any other race offensive.

Oh, that's not my fault. He wrote that about any other race offensive and racist, of course, anyone that says no is being an idiot. I'm a realist. It's why I don't tolerate any extra hip. I grew up around black guys and I have an NWA cassette tape, white guys saying the N word around me. It's also why you never hear me say cracker or any other ethnic slur even in jest. So anyways, he's got a question. He said, is it racist when you hear a story about an athlete shooting someone in a strip club and you assume you know what color he was?

Maybe to some. Is it racist when I hear about a polar bear slapping the shit out of someone's kid or a video of a guy shitting in a girl's mouth? And I'm pretty sure I know what color all of those people are not. Oh, I'm pretty sure I know what color all of those people are not. Just my two, two cents. Well, thank you for chiming it. That's funny that you bring up that whole new story because someone else wrote in to ask me if they thought that this, if this was like a racist game. They said, Bill, I like to play a little game similar to your Asian or old person driving game, except my game involves the evening news.

It's called beiner black guy or crazy ass cracker. Just to clarify, I am Hispanic, parentheses, Latino, Mexican or whatever other dumb ass term someone has come up with. So saying beiner is okay. Now, this is why I wanted to do this segment. This is the exact fucking reason. Okay, he says beiner black guy and cracker. All right. And he goes, I can say beiner because I'm Mexican.

Well, then why can you say cracker ass cracker? Right. It's because I'm white and no one gives a fuck about that one. See what I'm saying? This is something that I learned from doing stand up in front of all different kinds of people. That's what I learned. I learned that everybody basically, it's not that they're selfish, they just, they look out of their own head. You can't help but do that.

So you just see shit from your own perspective. Like one night I was doing this gig, right? Down at the old Boston comedy club in New York City. And one of the acts that was going up was this, was this, I think I told this story before. It was a comedy team. It was this Asian guy and girl and they went up there and they did this fucking rap. Okay. And they went up there and they stuck their teeth out like they had buck teeth.

And then they put, you know, those glasses that you can put on those joke ones that make your eyes look Asian. They had their Asian and yet they still put those on. And then the other guy had on a fake gold chain with a fucking fortune cookie hanging off the thing. So I'm sitting there looking at them before they're going up going, oh man, this isn't going to fly. This isn't going to fly with this fucking crowd. This is basically, what do you call that shit? What, what was that shit back in the day in old time Hollywood? It was almost like Asian blackface.

Like what they were doing was fucking, was ridiculous. I was thinking that black people watching it were going to be like, just all the shit that they've been through would look at and be like, what the, why are they these fucking, why are they selling out their own fucking race? This is horrific. This is fucking horrific. And they didn't. That act went up there and they fucking destroyed and everybody laughed their balls off. They thought the fortune cookie thing was fucking hilarious. And I was just like, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe it's because they're shit on their own race. What the fuck are you supposed to do? I don't know. I just found that shit fascinating. So does that pertain to what the fuck I just said? I don't know. This cold medicine is kicking in. Let me finish this.

So anyways, this is basically what this guy does. He says, just to clarify. Okay. Now this game started because I hate watching the news. And no matter what I'm watching, sports center usually, my wife will want to change it. So naturally, being the asshole that I am, I had to figure out a way to ruin it for. So what I do is turn away from the news whenever they begin explaining the crimes or events of the day, based on the description of the crime or event and how it was committed or performed. I yell either beiner, black guy, or crazy ass cracker.

Dude, that actually sounds like a fun fucking game. Well, I wouldn't say crazy ass cracker. I would just say fucking white dude. Example, news report says, would I say beiner? No, I wouldn't. That's one of the worst ones ever. Beiner. It's got no ring.

It's got no flow. That must have been a bad day with white people. You know, usually we're a lot more creative than that. You know, name you after a fucking vegetable. Is it a vegetable? Is it a fruit? What the fuck is it? I don't fucking know.

Anyways, let's plow ahead. Example, news report says a man was stabbed and I yell out beiner. I know it's a beiner because we Mexicans can't afford guns and still pay for our legal extended family members we have living with us in our two bedroom house. If the news report says a drive by shooting, I yell black guy. Come on, do I really have to explain the reason behind that one? Of course, if I hear the suspect had body parts of his victims in the refrigerator, fucking crazy ass cracker. It's because of this game that my wife has stopped watching the news altogether and I now have peace and quiet to enjoy my top plays of the day fix on SportsCenter. Well, good for you.

Good for you. Now, see that's something I don't think that that's racist because you don't have any hatred towards any of those groups. What you're doing is you're actually, you don't want to watch the news. It's fucking depressing. You want to watch sports and then she puts on a bunch of depressing shit and what are you going to do? Sit there and get depressed? Or are you going to fucking entertain yourself? So you turn it into a fucking game.

It's actually a, you know, I'm not offended by it. I think that's fucking funny. And there's a lot of truth to it. Much as I hate to admit some of the shit. Yeah, we're fucking body parts. Those scat videos. I don't think I've never seen a black guy in a scat video. Not that I fucking, you know, watch those things, but I have done the opiate Anthony show and occasionally a weird video will come up.

Jesus, I have scar tissue in my brain from that show a couple of times. They had, they brought up one video one time. I, I'm not even going to describe it. I just refused to watch it and it still haunts me and I never even fucking saw it. And I'm not talking about two girls in one cup because I did see that one, but they had another one where a guy had a jar and he did something with that jar that you didn't think was natural. He somehow did it. And then the, uh, I'm going to use an engineering term here, the, the structure failed. The structure failed.

Um, the outside pressure was too much for the structure and at which point it reached breaking point and it failed. The jar broke in the dude's ass. And I refused to look at the video and all I heard was everybody else in the video screaming and horror. As this guy tried to avoid a trip, an embarrassing trip to the emergency room and clear up the situation himself. All right, I'm sorry. That's one of the most disgusting things I've ever described in the podcast. Let's blow ahead. Um, oh, here's a guy responding to the Diba Daba.

Um, is that racist? Um, anyways, so yeah, Indians aren't big white people fans because the British controlled their country for hundreds of years. See that once again. See, we all can make ignorant statements. So then you should hate the English. Why do you hate all white people? See that we're all just as dumb. Oh, God damn it.

This is, this is, this is enjoyable. All right, let's blow ahead here. Um, you know what some English guy said to me the other day, I was out in Dallas. This guy from Manchester was fucking hilarious. He said to me, uh, I was talking about the fucking revolutionary war. And I wasn't even trash in England. And when I brought up the revolutionary war, he goes, oh yeah, he goes, he goes, how's that tax free country working out for you? Oh, that was such a fucking good one.

I had nothing to say. I was like, yeah, absolutely fucking right. The rich people fucking stirred up the morons. They kicked the fucking British out. And then the rich people just picked up where the British left off evidently. All right, plowing ahead. Uh, Indians racist. All right.

Anyways, Bill. So yeah, Indians aren't big white people fans because the British controlled their country for hundreds of years. Um, even as much as I gave you shit, I understand that. So if you see me getting off the boat with my fucking goddamn red hair, right? You just think that I'm another goddamn person coming over there to fuck over your country. I get that. He says, uh, the worst part is that it was a company that ruled them. The British East Indian India trading company pretty much controlled the country using British soldiers to keep the Indians in line.

There was at least one really bad massacre wherein a British general had his troops open fire on a group of and I don't know how to say this. And I'm not going to disrespect these people. S I K H S. Is that Sikhs? I have no idea. Um, just okay. So he opened up at a fire. These a group of these people just for being in a group, something like 2000 people died, including many women and children.

Then Gandhi came and peacefully drove the Brits out. Just thought I'd let you know, dude, you are just like me. You overheard that shit. Are you read about it? 20 years. That was the most vague description of a horrific event. I think I've ever read. There was at least one really bad massacre where a British general had a troops open fire on a group.

A group. And like 2000 people died. We asked you guys other guys a question here. The other people listen to this podcast. When you think of a group of people at what number do you stop. Calling it a group before it becomes a crowd. You know, before it just becomes mass fucking murder. I mean, for me, a group of people is about seven or eight.

You get up to around 15. That's a crowd. 2000 fucking people. Are you referring to that? I actually read a little bit about that. I bought this book on Winston Churchill and Gandhi because I wanted to read about some other history other than the same fucking stories that they gave me. It's like church. You know, I heard all about Jesus.

They read Jesus is diary to me for the first 17 years of my life. I got fucking tired of it. I wanted to read something else. So I read. Yeah, there was I was a lot worse than that something. I remember reading about this. I'm going to give you a vague description of what I remember. This is classic from my podcast because nobody knows what the fuck they're talking about.

See this. This is how we're all coming together. Yeah, the British were fucking over the Indian people and Indian people did something. They finally fucking snapped and they went off and they did something really violent to some of the British people who were over there, including women and children, I believe. And they went, say, you know, we'll say one to 10 evil. They went about five and then England said, oh, yeah, we'll fucking show you what evil evil is. And then they came back and they went 15 and they were like fucking burning people alive. They just went around just just shooting everybody, which is what you have to do when you fucking occupy a country.

You have to commit fucking genocide. That's the only way which is why you shouldn't do it. You know, it's why you shouldn't fucking invade another country because they fucking leaving. They fucking leaving. So you know what this is like that's part of a whole nother big discussion. I shouldn't even have fucking brought it up. But the only occupation I've ever seen that ever fucking worked was in this country. And the reason why it worked was because we weren't leaving and we fucking committed genocide.

That's three and I'm not for that on any fucking level, which is why when I look around the world and I see certain people in certain areas. I'm not surprised with what the fuck's going down because that's what always goes down. It's what always fucking goes down. It's fucking I don't know. It's fucking it's evil. It's pure fucking evil. So anyways, YouTube videos of this week that you know some a lot of that stuff deserve a lot of justice. I'm a lot more justice than I'm just a little under the weather here.

YouTube videos of the week kid dunks himself. You know those douchebags who come out on the court after the black guys have all fucking dunked from the file line. Then the white guys come out with trampolines to try to roughly duplicate what you just saw. This fucking kid he jumps too high and he goes through the fucking hoop. I got to give it up to the kid though, man. He fucking he didn't go right through the hoop. He was part of the way through the hoop and he realized that there was someone coming behind him. So rather than fucking try to go out again, he just he just went right through the hoop.

It was a very heads up fucking play. Funny video. Oh, this one's great. Funny video making fun of LeBron commercial with Brett Farve. This fucking guy in this video doing Brett Farve. Not only does he look like him, not only does he sound like him, he even even gets the facial expressions down of Brett Farve. It's fucking great.

And I made fun of DJs last week. So this guy sent me a DJ video to watch. It's called from Kid Koala Skanky Panky. I get it. It takes a lot of skill, but I don't ever want to listen to it again. Oh, and then somebody a few about a month ago, I talked about drop D tuning. How that was, that's how you make the devil your bitch. You write a song and drop D tuning and I've never heard a song that did that that sounded bad and drop D tuning.

So he sent me another video of a great song and drop D, which is Nirvana negative creep. I guess it's in that I didn't I didn't fucking look. Let's get to overrated underrated. All right. This fucking podcast. What the hell's going on here? What are we up to here? Hour and six minutes. Jesus. Let's wrap this up.

Let's go real quick here underrated local bands. They're always way more talented than actually and actually write and play their own music. That should be heard instead of all the popular Lady Gaga Beyonce bullshit. Go out to a bar and enjoy the live music. I agree. Overrated horoscopes, whore scopes. Why do people think that some asshole interprets the planets and starts in stars position is a good influence on their lives? You could literally say whatever you want is a justification for your actions.

I'm not a slut. I'm a Scorpio and Venus is aligned with the Milky Way. No, you're a slut because you fuck a lot of people. All right, stop blaming the heavens. You cunt. All the people who freaked out because they thought their horoscope was different due to the new 13th sign can shut the fuck up. If you read further than one paragraph, you discover your sign is different if you were born when they announced it. I don't even know what the fuck that means. I know recently that somebody tried to say that every sign was wrong and I guess people freaked the fuck out.

Oh, here's another racist one. Goddamn, I'm going to read this next week. Everybody chimed in on that topic. Do you guys have time to listen to me give somebody some of my bad advice? Well, of course you do. If you don't, just shut the fucking thing off. I'm not holding you hostage. Let's see here, Bill.

Oh, this guy says, Bill, love the podcast. You're always answering questions, giving out relationship advice about, you know, between men and women. So I figured I'd switch it up here and actually ask for your advice about a band situation. I'm pretty drunk. So I apologize in advance if my punctuation is incorrect. I joined an established band on bass about three months ago and spent the first couple of weeks busting my hump, learning tunes to open for a semi-well-known national touring band. Since then, I've learned about three dozen songs and gigged once or twice a week.

Some of them were high-profile shows opening for some semi-famous bands in theaters seating 1,000 to 1,200 people. It's been a good and steady work, but I should have known that there was a catch. After the fifth gig, I finally said, dude, what the fuck's up with the money? Asked the band leader, and he said that all the money goes into a band fund to pay for a recording of a CD. I never agreed to that when I joined the band, so I was like, what the fuck? I asked what happens if I quit the band before we record the CD, and he said all the money goes to recording, whether or not I'm in on it or not. Naturally, I got pissed.

Yeah, dude, what the fuck? After a big balls-out fight, he finally offered to pay me 35 bucks per gig. Nobody has it harder than musicians other than fucking strippers or whores, prostitutes, sweatshop labor, all right, whatever, still a fucking rough gig. We usually get paid between 400 to 600 bucks, so I said, no, I should get paid an equal one-fifth of whatever the band makes. Oh, so you guys get 400 to 600 bucks a night. Yes, you should get like 100 bucks or so, right?

He's trying to give you 35. I like this guy, standing his ground. But this shit bird says, since I haven't been in the band as long, I don't deserve an equal share. Basically, they want to treat me like a hired gun, but don't want to pay me fairly. Plus, I come to find out the old bass player, quit and a huff with gigs on the books because they were fucking them over on money, too. I've been a professional, reliable, I learned all the fucking songs, I showed up, I've been on time, and on top of all that, they're asking me to design posters, stickers, a press kit,

and go out and book more gigs. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of over here. What do I give a fuck if we record a CD? None of these songs are mine. All I have invested in it is my time. It's good, steady work and plays... Sorry, it's good to get steady work and play big gigs, but we're not playing faggy chick music,

so it's not like I'm even getting laid out on the gigs. There's always a shortage of bass players in the world, so I've got a couple of the bands nipping at my heels, but none of them are as high-profile. You don't dump your girlfriend until you've got another brud to bang on the side, so I feel like I should keep playing with these twats to gain a reputation and then quit as soon as something better comes along, so what do you think? I think you're absolutely right. Alright, two things.

Never go into another situation unless you've hammered out how the fuck you're getting paid. Don't just be like, yeah, I'll do it. Good, you're hired. You got to immediately talk about pay, because then after four or five gigs, you're already in. You're committed, you got time invested, and now they got you by the bulls. So don't do that again, and as far as advice with the band, I would just do exactly what they're doing.

They're doing what's best for them and fuck you, so do what's best for you and fuck them. Alright? If staying in that band is going to help you in the future by being on those high-profile gigs, then I'd stay in the band, and when something better comes along, see ya. Right? But if getting the fuck out and some of these bands that want to fucking play with you actually seem like they're going to go somewhere, you know, you might want to do that instead, but it's up to you.

But like I said, choose, go church of Satan there. Do what's good for you. Don't be a martyr like that long-haired dude there. Alright? That's the podcast for this week. Thanks to everybody. Chime in. I apologize if this one was a little bit scattered-brained.

I'm really feeling this fucking goddamn head cold coming on. So that's it. Have a good week. And that's it. Who do you like in the Super Bowl? Wait a minute. This always happens to me. I always go to wrap it up.

Who do you like in the Super Bowl? You want a prediction? This is what I say. Take the Steelers and the Over. Alright? Because I think in general, people are going to think the Packers are going to win. You know, I haven't watched any ESPN. For some reason, I think the people think the Packers are going to win.

Whoever the fuck they say is going to win, bet on the other team and bet the Over. Because I think that they're going to think that it, you know, because of the defenses, it's going to be this, you know, oh, school, smash, mouth, football. I'll die if you don't like this game. You don't like football. I think everybody thinks it's going to be that. And it always goes the other fucking way. So that's it.

That is the podcast for this week. Good luck to both teams in the Super Bowl. You know, I was in Dallas and I actually said some guy went on TV and said that they were 10,000 strippers short. You know, what a sad state of affairs. 10,000 strippers short. Can you believe people still go to titty bars? Unless you go into one week and actually get one rubbed out, what is the fucking point? You know what I mean?

Then what do you do? Do you go to an ice cream parlor and have them fucking put ice cream on a spoon? You open your mouth, they put it in your mouth and right as you go to clamp down, they pull it back out again. Is that what the fuck you do? Overrated. Titty bars. There's no fucking reason to go to them.

You just get frustrated. Then you get drunk and then the end there's some sort of fight. And then that guy from the Titans comes in and somebody gets shot and then he just says, I didn't do it. And then he plays for like the Falcons. Right? Isn't that how it went down? I don't fucking know.

All right, you know, why don't I go fuck myself so I can end this fucking thing? All right, see you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.