Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-4-18

Episode Date: January 5, 2018

Bill rambles about the news, beautiful woman, and getting back on the wagon.

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I'm just seeing how your week is going. This is a hard week coming off the holiday vacation. At some point on your vacation, a certain thought pops into your head. And I'm not talking about walking out the front door and just abandoning your family. And not even because you don't like your family. Maybe it's a relative that's just their cackle. You know, when it's just making your eardrums, just vibrating a certain way that that it wakes up that part of your brain that just doesn't give a fuck.

You know, the part of your brain that sociopaths are always in. You know what I mean? Just the wrong cackle can open that door for a minute and then your brain starts going. Like, what if you just got up and left? And what, came back later? No, no, dude. Left, like left. Not like left or right.

I mean, leave, left. Gone. What if you did that, right? Plus also it's the beginning of a new year. There's a lot of hope in the air. Chance for new things. And if you'd like to keep that hope, you probably shouldn't watch the news because, you know, I've been fucking working my ass off already and I was like, well, I got really nothing to talk about.

Let me take a glance at the news. Good Lord. Good Lord. I just Googled news. They had this whole article on Donald Trump about how he never wanted to become president. And then just some of the quotes they have. It's like, where did you get that quote? You know, something about Donald Trump being like, I'm not going to win this fucking thing.

And then he finds out he made it to the next level and he just sort of looked ahead and allegedly said, this is so fucked up. It's like, who knew that he said that? And I don't, I don't know. I don't fucking know. And then I'm watching all this stuff and Palestine and the whole fucking thing is just about money. That's all it is. It's about fucking money.

You know, sometimes I wonder if everybody in the world, right? It would be a weird game to play, right? With all these fucking rich people just squeezing the fucking life out of everybody, pitting everybody against everybody. If you just, if everybody in the world just was just like, what do you, what do you want? Huh? What exactly is it? Just take it.

Does that make you happy? I don't think, I don't even think they could enjoy it. They could have the biggest fucking house on the biggest hill in the biggest side of town, all of that fucking Ric Flair shit, right? With minus the humor. They could have all of that. And the fact that everybody beneath them wasn't miserable on some level, I don't honestly think that they could enjoy it.

Who is they, Bill? Give me one name. I don't know. I looked at the news for 10 minutes. That's, that's what I felt. That's why I don't watch it. Cause it makes me think things like that. All right.

I don't like fucking seeing people around the world crying. I don't, you know, I got to commend people who actually try and pay attention. Maybe that's why they, they just blame one side or the other. Cause other than that, if you just sort of try to look at it in an impartial way, you're just like, we're just the fuck are we doing to each other? It's really depressing. So let's get out of this. You know, I'm not going to solve any fucking problems here.

I was kidding. Oh, this podcast is supposed to be an escape. Um, anybody watched the, uh, the cellies busted Celtics for us to Cleveland Cavaliers. I had a bad feeling about this one. I was like that white dude in platoon like, man, I got a bad feeling. Um, before Charlie ain't stopped for shit this time. I thought LeBron was going to come in and I was like, oh boy. Oh boy.

I also thought Isaiah Thomas was playing, but he wasn't playing and love went down. But I mean, he played most of the game, but, uh, so that's a game we should have won. And not only did we win, we won by 20. And you know what that means come April? It doesn't mean shit. Doesn't mean shit. Maybe if we go down to one game and it comes down to home court, we went by one game. Maybe it means that.

But other than that, it's just a win in January. But, um, I don't know. When I look at the calves, I'm just like, all right, these guys, when they get to the fucking playoffs, they get enough grizzled vets and then they got Superman playing for them. They got JR Smith was the shit. Isaiah, we all know what the fuck he could do. They got fucking Jay Crowder. Right.

I mean, they, and then they got love. I mean, that's the hell of a fucking team. So, but when I look at the Celtics, I just see that when next, you know what I mean? It's like Cleveland is that old movie star that's still fucking selling more tickets than the young buck coming up. But that person knows they know, right? They know that they're Bert Reynolds and, uh, I don't know where Tom Cruise. I don't know who to pick next. It went Bert Reynolds and then it was Tom Selleck, which was weird.

When I was growing up, every fucking like movie star dude, we had to be a guy's guy with that fucking mustache. So it went from Bert Reynolds, who I think established the look, right? Then you had Tom Selleck. Then you had that guy played Matt Houston. And then somewhere in there, the mustache went away. But there was like a seven to eight year period with that mustache, you know, and the black curly hair. You had to have that shit. You know, all these fucking groups that think all you got to do is just be a white guy and the door opens.

No, they're looking for that fucking dude. You had to be that white dude with the jet black hair and that fucking mustache. And if you had to be the Marlboro man, if you look like me, my fucking role model is growing up. It was OP Ron Howard, Ralph Malf, Bernie from room 222. None of them got any pussy. You know what I mean? Richie was fucking, he had a long-term fucking relationship and the prime of his life. Well, Lori Beth, what are you doing this weekend?

Meanwhile, Fonzie's having a fucking threesome over by the jukebox. Everybody's looking the other way. Why? Because he had that hair. He had that fucking, he had the right colored hair. That's how it works. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. What the fuck was I just talking about?

Oh, we're talking about basketball here. The fuck am I talking about Fonzie now? Basketball. So that was a big, that was a big win for us. Big goddamn win for us. But you know, who's getting new? You can beat the cabs in January, but can you wait four hours and seven come April of May?

That's where the big boys come in, put their fucking shorts on one later time. All that bullshit, right? But whatever. It was a fun game to watch. And considering I took my lady to a Celtics game when I went home for Christmas, she's kind of watching now. I got her watching. It's fucking incredible.

She's not rabid yet. She's not rabid. I got to get her into the day in, day out fucking soap opera of it. You know what I mean? The way she got me into, uh, uh, what is that fucking show that she watches? Hip hop, a love, uh, something like that. Love and hip hop. That's what it is.

I fucking watch that show. I could actually sort of handle that show. Other than this, just one check on there who just, I swear to God, I don't know what she just looks like. She looks like an evil man. You know what I mean? And I don't mean like, uh, like sinister. I literally mean, literally mean like possessed by the devil.

They do this fucking weird thing on all reality shows now. I think they kind of stopped, but these were older episodes. You know that thing they do where they, they put those, those cat eyes, whatever that filter, whatever the fuck, the proper technology, technological term is when they shoot those people talking right on the reality shows, they do that thing where they give them like three highlights and they're fucking high. Then it looks like they're starting to turn into something, but they never do. You know what I mean?

Um, they kind of do that. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I feel whiter though. When I watch like, when I watch love and hip hop though, you know what I mean? Cause I have no idea what the fuck's going on. I can't tell who's a good rapper, who isn't, but I will tell you this, like most white people, if you change your fucking weave, I can't, the amount of times I'm like, that's

the same woman cause they'll cut back and forth and the woman will go from jet black hair to fucking blonde hair or black with purple and then change the color of her fucking eyes. You know, as white as I am, I guess that's a completely different person to me. Um, which is why no white person should ever be on a jury. Right. If there's somebody black involved, I feel just from, just from my own personal experience, how fucking dumb I am.

I just made that blanket statement on all the, the entire judicial, judicial system should work in this country. How about those fucking Boston Bruins, huh? They fucking won again. They're like seven, oh, and two in their last nine. What did Jack Edwards say? And then he said like 16, three and two in the last 21, they're on fire right now. They're on fire when it doesn't count.

Um, you know the deal, but it's, it's great that they're playing the way that they're playing and I haven't been able to watch them as much. I know that they're playing the Panthers. So I'm watching that game. So, uh, cause I'm into both teams right now. So now rather than, I usually, what I did was I would watch almost every Bruins game and then I would watch, you know, important Celtics games or whatever. But now I kind of, I've gotten into both of them cause they're both young teams playing

fucking great. And I got a kid and just the way it's been working with the dad responsibilities is every time the fucking Bruins have a game, I got to do some dad stuff, which of course comes first. No disrespect to my beloved Bruins. Okay. Um, but anyways, I'm going to watch, what is it tomorrow night? Yeah.

Game comes on at five already. I can watch that. I'll definitely watch that. Um, all right. So that's it. I think I don't have anything else to talk about. Oh, by the way, all right. I want to thank that person that fucking said that I was an alcoholic and that I should

be a friend of Bill W, whatever the fucking, which just sounds like another bush, you know, that's going to be running for office. Um, later on, sitting down in South America with the fucking land that he bought that sits on a fucking aquifer painting. I would add the amount of money I would pay. To just be in George W's head, you know, not Obama's head. Obama just sounds like he would be, he would sound like the way he talked all the fuck he was talking about, you know, but I don't know, something about W that always fascinated

me. They would just be sitting there like, what the fuck was it? What the fuck was that? Did I really do that shit? You know, I don't know. How about that guy? I was looking at that. That looks like the kind of guy would take summer school with, you know, Obama's like

the kiss ass fucking raises him when you forgot to assign homework. You know, it really is, is I don't like smart people. You know, I have a lot of weird things that I don't like a certain type. I don't like book smart people. Just because I, this is all petty shit, just because I'm not good at it. And the older I've gotten, I realized somewhere along the line, I don't like beautiful women. Obviously they're fun to look at. Obviously my wife is fucking gorgeous.

I think she's gorgeous, but generally speaking, I don't like beautiful women. I just don't like them. And it's for a very simple reason that they're fucking rude, that they're just fucking rude. They just don't have just, just common politeness. I guess on some level, cause if they're even remotely polite, maybe a guy's like, oh, she wants it and then they can't get rid of them. But they're just, they're just fucking rude. I can't tell you the amount of fucking times at the end of my show, right?

Someone will come back. Some guy will come back, you know, a couple of guys and they got like, you know, three or four beautiful women with them, whatever. And they come back to say, thank you for the show. And the fucking women, I swear to God, they're just, they're always bored. Never say thank you. And I always end up feeling like just, I always want to be like, why didn't you two guys just come back here and just, they obviously, I don't, didn't enjoy the show or they're upset

that they didn't get to meet Oprah. I don't know what. That's all I got. I'm a bald, red headed, dance, jumps around like a fucking monkey. What more do you want from me? I swear to God, they come back. They don't even say thanks, even if you didn't like the show, right? Okay.

Like say I went to one of their fucking shows, some fashion show where they walked down the fucking runway like they're all pissed off. You know, I don't know why God knows they haven't bought a drink in their whole fucking life. I don't know what they're so fucking mad about. Even if I didn't enjoy the show, even I thought what they were wearing was ridiculous. When I went back, I would be nice enough to be like, Hey, you know, yeah, I like the way you, when you walk, how your legs cross over in front of you, you did a heck of a job,

you know, you didn't, you didn't fall over in those shoes. I could never do that. I would at least have the common decency to say that, or I wouldn't go back there. Bored shitless, bored shitless, which I don't know. I always fight, I have always fight the urge to be like, what do you do? What the fuck do you do other than sit there looking amazing? What the fuck do you just sit there? How many times a day does a beautiful woman sigh?

Just out of boredom. You know what I mean? I just feel like you could take them to an SNL taping and they would be excited until like, I don't know, somewhere in the middle of it, you know, when the sketch wasn't about them, they would just start to get upset. This is really bad. I shouldn't say they're all like that, but just generally, generally speaking, I don't know.

That just something that happened to me recently just struck me as funny and I was, I called up Mia afterwards and I was just going off on it and she was laughing her ass off. I go, they just, why are they so fucking rude? I just don't understand it. Go fucking go hang out with some beautiful people. I'm sorry I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, what the fuck do you want from me? I didn't ask you to come back here.

I just kept thinking of that Richard prior bit. When he went to the fucking White House, they invited him to the White House and then they treated him like shit and his wife's trying to calm him down. He's in the back room. He's just like, I didn't ask to come to this motherfucker. It was one of my favorite lines he ever had. I didn't ask to come to this motherfucker. Anyways, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

You know what? I got my first advertising of the year. Holy shit. I tell you, I was dying on the vine there for a minute. Because I say dumb shit like I don't like beautiful women. I have no beautiful women by 40% of our product. All right. Sorry.

Hell is my password. All right. Okay. Here we go. Look who's back everybody. Me on these, me on these, no more sweaty balls, but do me on these, me on these, take the bitch to the mall, buy her everything in the fucking store. She don't care because she's a whore.

She's looking for someone with a shinier car. This is why I don't watch reality TV and it's really my big complaint. When Nia watches reality television is because I have major issues with fucking women that I've been working on for a long fucking time. And if you've noticed in my last specials, I really have stayed away from the epic levels that I've gone to at some point to the point. I watch them now like, what the fuck is wrong with me? But now she's got me watching this reality show and it's just every fucking thing, every

paranoia that I have about them is just shown and it's just constant throughout the whole fucking thing. You know, to be like it, be like if you were a, you were a woman, you had issues with men and every night you had to come to my house and watch fucking Monday night raw or some sports radio show. We listened to like the dumbest of the dumb guys. You know, I'm really concerned about them secondary, you know what I would have done in the first quarter just having to listen to that like that.

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Well, I want to tell you something right now. Friends of Bill W, it is July 3rd, right? By the time you hear it's going to be July 4th and I'll already gone three As in a fucking row. All right. Was on the wagon for 131 days, jumped off for six glorious fucking days. Glorious days. Oh, it tasted delicious, right? And I'm right back on it.

You know, goddamn AA people, they don't like that I can do that. That I can dip in and dip out. They don't like that. They think I'm going to lose my whole life in the bottle. I'm not. And I'm stopping right now, you know, just out of pure vanity. I just like fucking not just being a bloated booze bag. That's why you stopped to begin with.

I didn't stop for the right reasons. I stopped because I didn't want to be a fat fuck. That's why I stopped. You know, I swear to God, I want to go to a fucking AA meeting. I want to go now. I'm going to listen to those stories again. Fucking stories are incredible. You know, I can't imagine if Quinn Tarantino went to a fucking AA meeting,

the movie that that man would write afterwards. All he's got to do is listen to their stories, throw some karate in there and get Jamie Foxx. I mean, that's how do you not watch that fucking movie and then put it in 70 millimeter like he did his last one. They hate for late. Anybody else see the hate for late and 70 millimeter. That fucking stagecoach came into this with the whole orchestra piece. It was incredible.

I wonder if any writers do that shit. Man, you got to feel bad. Huh? He's just going down there. All those people fucking fucked up their lives, the misery that they've gone through. And you're going down there pretending you're one of them. Just so you can get some good dialogue for your fucking script and maybe sell something. So your wife will quit calling you a loser.

You know, I don't know if this happens. I have no idea. I don't know why I'm acting like this is fucking happening. I'm not saying it's happening. But you know, it wouldn't surprise me, right? You know, it's really surprising me is the fact that I still have another four and a half fucking minutes to go. And this is one of the few times that I don't have anything to fucking say.

Oh, I got one for you. You know what I did today? I did Jonesy's jukebox on KLOS, Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols. I've always been a fan of his radio program. It's on from 12 to two in the afternoon. He plays whatever he wants. Sometimes he picks up the guitar and just makes up a song. He always has great guests and all that type of stuff.

But I'm an old man. So I never knew where it was. I would always find it. And then I, you know, I don't know how to set the fucking buttons on my radio, at least back in the day. So I don't know. He had a, he has a great one. And then the guy from the E street band, little Stevie.

What is his little Stevie's garage? They're just amazing fucking DJs. And their knowledge of music is incredible. And the fact that they're actually you're listening to bass, you're listening to a fucking rock star playing the music that he enjoys. There's not a lot of radio shows like that. You know what I mean? So I got to go down there today and do it.

And I knew that guy was funny, but Jesus Christ. I hung out on his show for like 90 minutes. And I could barely keep up with the guy. You know what I mean? He's not supposed to be stand up comedian level funny, right? He's supposed to be musician level funny. It was fucking unbelievable. The guy was, the guy was hilarious.

So if you listened, I hope you listen to it. I had a great time on that. And I also realized how little I know about music because he plays all this cool shit, you know, and I listened to all the mainstream stuff. So he was like, you know, I think, what did you listen to? I saw what was growing up. I was like, you know, hair metal, heavy metal, AC DC, Stevie Ray Bond.

It's about it. And then my dad's big band swing. I don't think you play that shit on here. Do you? And he's, ah, play it. So he ended up playing Motley Crue, looks that kill, and then into AC DC live wire, which I thought was pretty cool that he did that.

But I was actually kind of nervous that he was going to lose some of his fan base. Like who was this stupid comedian request to this shit? But I don't think we got any goddamn complaints. You know what was cool was he actually had the, what was it, the Chelsea Arsenal game on in the background. And I just cannot get into that shit unless I'm over.

If you're over in England, it's impossible not to get into it. Everybody gives a fuck. Everybody's drinking. People care. You try to get into it over here. It's so fucking quiet. You know, it's you and a couple of nerdy friends that there's just no fucking place to, to watch it at that level to get into it.

But at least when you watch the Premier League game, you can hear the crowd, how much they're into it. But like American soccer, Jesus Christ, you gave her a fucking pin drop. Unless Mexico's playing and it's out here in LA, then it sounds like this is amazing. So he had that game on in the background and just watching how much he gave a fuck plus with his accent.

It was the shit. I got into the game and his team went up two to one and he was nervous with 10 minutes left. And the last thing I said to him was like, dude, 10 minutes left in a soccer game is like 0.8 seconds left in a fucking hockey game in the pucks on the other end of the ice. This game is over. There's nobody, it's almost like a rule.

They're not going to score four goals in one soccer game. So I go home and I'm fucking trying to find the Celtics game tonight. And I went on Fox Sports. They were talking about the game and fucking Arsenal came back and scored a goal somehow in the last 10 minutes. So it was two, two to two, ended up in a tie. I think I jinxed it. So my apologies.

But you know what? I've always been trying to have a fucking team when I was over there. And I knew there was no way I could root for Man United. Because that's like when I go over to England, I see somebody with a fucking Yankee hat on. It's like, ah, you fucking mouth breathing cunt. Why are you a Yankee fan?

Why? Who can take one of the most dirt? It's the only fucking team I know. The fuck out of here. I want to go over there and see somebody with a blue J hat on or some shit like that. So it's like, there's no fucking way I can do that. So I've been trying to pick a team over there.

And maybe I'll follow Chelsea. I have no idea. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. All I know is it's late at night. And oh my God, I wish I saw that text earlier. Somebody just fucking texted me. You going out tonight, cigar? Ah, that would be tremendous.

I'm trying to cut down on those fucking things too. Because maybe it's good that I didn't see it. I'm actually going to try to live the rest of this month, the way I lived when I was eight, all right? Which is basically no booze, no fucking porno, no cigars. You know? I'll go buy a bicycle pretend I have a paper root again. I don't know.

I'm fucking enjoying the clean living. And then every once in a while, fucking a little debauchery. Maybe I'll do that. I'll be five, I'll go off for six weeks on for four days. That wouldn't be bad, right? Would that be bad for your liver? The thing is, I have too much expensive booze here. And I can't just leave it there.

And I'm not giving it away. At some point, I gotta fucking drink it, right? All right, Bill, you know what? We don't give a fuck about you and your stupid booze. All right, I get it. I'm done talking about it. All right, that's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

I hope you're having a great... What are your New Year's resolutions? What are you doing? You know what I'm trying again that I failed with all the fucking time is I'm trying to get back to become fluent in French again. I'm back on that duo lingo, fucking trying it out again. I got the flashcards. I got all of that shit.

I need a French friend, you know? Somebody just fucking hang out and talk to me like I'm a baby in French, you know? The way my kid's gonna learn English. Like, they gotta teach it that way, you know? And you know what it is? There's been enough people going, dude, you're never gonna learn that shit.

That's the only way I learn shit. Is there someone... Yeah, you're never gonna do that. Then I'm like, all right, fuck you, I'm gonna do it. But if they say, oh, yeah, you should have no problem. Then I blow it off and all right, fuck it up one or the other. I don't know, this feels like a fucking therapy session. All right, that's it.

I got nothing, I got nothing for you. I got no gigs this fucking month. I might be doing something. I might be doing a show in San Francisco because I'm going up there, Kevin Pollock for Sketch Fest. I'm going up there and I don't know, I'm doing something with him at one in the afternoon at the Castro Theater, which I believe is on the 15th.

The 15th of fucking January. Hold on a second, let me see if this is right. Let me see, let me see the 13th. It's on the 13th. And I might, I might be doing a couple of shows at Cobbs that night. I'm trying to see if that's gonna happen. I probably shouldn't have said that because it falls through.

All right, that's it. Enjoy the music and then we'll play another half hour greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast from a Thursday, I don't know, early this year or from years ago. I have no fucking idea. And maybe I'll lose another fan because I say something about Jesus. All right, see you.

About my week, I had a fucking insane week and I went to the Rose Bowl with a fellow comedian and I'm not gonna name his name. Usually I'll do that, maybe give somebody, you know, bump up their friends or that type of stuff, which I'd love to do for this guy. But our behavior was so colorful. That's the word I'll use that, you know, just in case.

You know what I mean? I'm old school. I don't name names when I start talking about semi crimes that I committed, not really committing. Well, I guess being drunk in public is a crime. Bill, why don't you shut the fuck up and get to the story? And we'll all be the judge. Fine, fine.

Look at you guys with all the tension beginning of 2009. You know, I think you guys be more relaxed this year. You know, things don't be fine in 2009, baby. I don't know, they got a rhyme. You know, just make it rhyme. And then, then, then that I'm supposed to feel good, you know. And I'm not supposed to notice that last year was things are gonna be great in 2008.

And now you've knocked it down. Now it's things are gonna be fine. Things are gonna be great, and they're gonna be fine. You know? Don't freak out in 2010. Ooh, do they combine this with Canada in 2011? Why am I fucking checking myself out at a grocery store and I'm not getting paid for it?

Okay, so anyways, I go to the Rose Bowl with a comedian. We're just gonna call him Joe. All right, because that's the classic alias name. When you don't wanna get somebody in trouble, you just call him Joe. But the ironic thing is this guy's name is actually Joe. So me and Joe, we go to the fellow comedian, and you can try to figure out who the fuck he is.

And it's not fiscal. We go to the Rose Bowl, and we had great intentions. Okay, let me paint a picture for you. Okay, when you go to the Rose Bowl, it's one of the great tailgating experiences you'll ever have. First of all, you go into the Rose Bowl. Okay, the granddaddy of them all. Home of a bunch of Super Bowls.

The Super Bowls are full of that. That Super Bowl, if you see that famous Lin Swan catch, that wasn't made there. I actually realized that was made at Temple University, wasn't it? I don't fucking know. There's been a, oh no, I know, the Jackie Flater one where he dropped the ball, that's right. That Cowboy Steelers one, the greatest fucking,

I don't know, clash of two powerhouse teams I ever saw was the, I don't know, whatever. They played a bunch of fucking things there, and I don't have the information in front of me, and I'm really killing the momentum of the story. So anyways, you go there, right? And you get, right behind the Rose Bowl is what I'm assuming is an 18-hole golf course.

Because God knows that's how big it felt at the end of the game when I was too shit-faced and we couldn't find the car and we walked for four hours. But that's that, I'm getting ahead of myself. You know what, I'm foreshadowing, I'm doing what all great movies do, you know what I mean? You go see a movie, whenever they show a movie about a guy who dies, everybody knows he's gonna die,

so they show him dying in the beginning, and then the next scene is they go back to his childhood. You know what I mean? Except they never do that with the Elvis movie, because then they have to start the movie with some fat fuck dying on a toilet, and no one wants to do that. I just wanna be your teddy bear.

Is that my pancreas? Plop. Anyways, so, Jesus Christ, let's get some momentum here. So we fucking, we go to this tailgate, all right, and this is the deal. Basically, there's just two of us, and amongst us we have four hamburger patties, two bags of chips, hamburger buns,

12 pack of Bud Light, 12 pack of Budweiser, and a Clint Eastwood canteen size of fucking Crown Royal. And two Cubans cigars that I snuck back from fucking Canada. So we're ready to go. I got my sunblock. We load it up into the Prius, which is just fucking hilarious. You know, everybody tries to outman people at the tailgates, people coming up there with their fucking,

you know, four door pickups with the lift kits. You know, they're generators. It's got a fucking satellite dish and a flat screen TV. You know, I came there with a little hibachi, but whatever. But we had the big thing of Crown Royal, so people and Cubans cigars, so no one fucked with us, right? So we're having a great time. All of a sudden this lady comes walking by,

and she's like, hey, do you want to buy a little ticket holder for your ticket? I'm like, absolutely sweetheart, 10 bucks a whack. Let me get, let me get that two times there, baby. You know, you get a cigar in your mouth. You start getting a little swagger. For some reason, one of your legs starts rocking back and forth. Like you're going to sing an album song.

I was feeling it. And the great thing was I didn't give a fuck about either team, USC or Penn State. I was just happy to fucking be there, you know? But I quickly realized most people were for the Trojans, so automatically I'm a second country of the year. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to root for Penn State,

because this gives me way more chance to annoy people. Plus, I've never liked USC. And most of it has to do with back in the day. I used to be a Notre Dame fan before Lou Holtz, with their holier than thou, we don't do steroids. Shut the fuck up. Yes, you do. All right?

I had acne when I was fucking a teenager, right? But it wasn't all over my back. And I also couldn't pick up a house. Okay? So you fucking people are doing steroids. Anyways, and also I always hated the Trojans fight song. They play it every three seconds. You know, they came like half a yard.

And it also reminds me of Fleetwood Mac, who I never liked. So fuck the Trojans, right? So anyway, so we're sitting there. We're drinking, we're partying, we're eating burgers. And then we break out the Crown Royal after we had polished off a good half a case between the two of us.

It's probably 9.30 in the morning. And we just start pounding this Crown Royal, which is going down like fucking Kool-Aid. I was really impressed with my ability. Or at least the makers of Crown Royal. That is some smooth shit. So basically we start walking towards the stadium and the alcohol flowing through me.

And that's when I go into my transformation. I don't know what happens to me at sporting events, but instantly I just become the loud guy. I feel like I'm doing a comedy show. I want to make the people around me laugh. And I also want to irritate as many fucking people as I can. So I start walking in there and I quickly notice oh, I know, I went to go buy a program.

I'm trying to put this all back together because I was pretty drunk. I go just to give you an idea of the mood that I was in. I get to about 100 yards from the stadium, this lady selling programs. And she's like, yeah, get your programs here. Come on, get your programs. And I'm like, all right, fuck it.

I want a souvenir. So I walk up and I'm like, how much are they? She's like 10 bucks. I'm like, all right, fine. So this other guy comes walking up because how much for the programs? And the lady's like 10 bucks. And the guy starts, bitch it.

10 bucks, you're gonna be kidding me, right? So I'm standing there. I got a Cuban cigar. I go, you know what? Let me get another one. Two times. Let me get two of those. All right, one for you over there.

And the guy's like, really? I go, hey, I go, take a look at me. I go, you know what you're looking at? You're looking at a big shot. Take a good look. There's not a lot of us left. I swear to God, I said that and I was so drunk. I was only half joking.

Like, I knew I was being an asshole, but like, I was only half joking. I had a fucking Cuban cigar. Go fuck yourself. I'm a big shot. Let's get a program for this fag over here, who's bitching about 10, who goes to a Rose Bowl and bitches about a $10 fucking program.

You know what I mean? He should have been deep pants and he should have had his tickets removed right there and sent right back to wherever the fucking key came from. Send to an Applebee's. Watch the game there, all right? Kind of fucking behaviorism. Kind of fucking behaviors out of the granddaddy of them all.

Take your fucking money out and play the goddamn game, all right? So anyway, so I'm hammocked, right? And we're fucking, we're walking and I don't know what happened. We got into the stadium. Everything was cool. And then they have this weird sort of like, they funnel you in because it's a really old stadium.

It's like, you know, it's like trying to go through the Lincoln tunnel like five o'clock at night. It's a pain in the ass. So I'm standing there. I'm getting frustrated because it's getting close to kickoff and I hate missing kickoff.

So I'm getting pissed. And I noticed that the Penn State fans, they got this chant where one of them, I don't know where it just yells, we are. And then all the Penn State fans go, Penn State. And then the dude yells again, we are. And they all go, Penn State. And they say it like five times.

And then the end, the guy who starts the chant goes, thank you. And then everybody screams, you're welcome. And I immediately noticed that it annoyed the shit out of all these USC fans, you know, because they kind of felt like it was a home game because they were out there. So next thing you know, I didn't even think it.

Next thing you know, coming out of my mouth, I'm going, we are. I'm not, I'm not from Penn State. I don't know shit, right? But I just said, we are. And everybody starts going, Penn State. Penn State. And I'm like, thank you.

And they're like, you're welcome. I'm like, this is fucking awesome. I can do this the whole game and annoy the shit out of people around me. So like, it took us 20 minutes, 20 minutes to get through the tunnel. And I swear to God, it was like perfect timing. Right as we got through the tunnel,

this chick is finishing singing the national anthem. As we just take in the Rose Bowl on a sunny California day. Everybody's wearing their Trojan colors. Everybody's wearing their Penn State. There's pompoms, people are going fucking nuts. And this lady's like, and the home of the brave. And right as she finished a fucking stealth bomber, flies right over the goddamn top.

I'm shit-faced. It's like a fucking acid trip. I almost passed out, right? So now, you know, we got end zone seats. You know, evidently, I'm not a big shot. And we're way at the top of the stadium, which is a really rough thing to negotiate when you're a redhead drinking whiskey in the sun, right?

So we get all the way up to like row whatever, fucking triple F. And you know, it's an old stadium, okay? And you know, back in the day, like you were tall, if you were like five foot six when the stadium was built. And now, you know, with fucking growth hormones and all the preservatives in the food, we basically outgrown the stadiums.

Not to mention the cheesecake factories that have these fucking people go to every other day. So I'm trying to walk a tightrope down. I'm really acting this out on my bedroom, by the way. This is how into these stories I get to tell. So I'm literally walking a fucking tightrope, trying to get down to my seat, and I just become that guy. I fell.

I didn't fall. I sort of like, like, was almost like I was the only guy in a ship that was in a fucking perfect storm. And all of a sudden, the whole thing just listed to the right side. And I landed on this like 55 year old lady's back. Didn't like land.

Like, I was on one foot, and I put a nice forearm, a little off-Samuelson in front of the net fucking action, right on her back. And I was so drunk, it took me, I swear to God, at least 28 seconds to get off her in the entire time. I am apologizing with my fucking cigar whiskey breath. Just go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And I just, I couldn't get off her.

Because the only way to get off her was to put all my weight on my forearm and use her as a banister to push me back up. Because nobody's fucking helping me. Because I'm obviously the drunk guy. You don't want to touch me. So 28 seconds to try to figure out if I have the quad strength to pull myself up

without pushing off the back of this old lady's neck. I finally just say, fucking, and just drive my, the meat of my forearm right between her shoulder blades. And I get up and I apologize profusely. And I don't know what Joe was doing at this point. He was fucking probably just standing there watching the game. But basically we finally get to our seats. It was unreal.

I don't know, we got to our seats and we turn around, we face the game to watch the game. And next thing you know, this lady is just screaming at us. She's like, hey, wow, wow, wow, wow, screaming. And she's yelling, you can't smoke in here. And I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? Because I put my cigar out. I'm gonna tell you dude, the fucking Cuban is sweet too, man.

I smoke that thing all the way down like a goddamn roach. It's like burning my fucking fingers. And she's yelling, stop smoking. I'm like, the fuck is she talking about? Do I smell like a cigar? And I turn, I looked, I looked to my right and Joe is standing there with the fucking Cuban cigar still lit in his mouth.

I don't know how the fuck he got it past security. I think it's because we had our tickets, those ticket things I bought around our neck. I don't know if he had it down by his side, but he's sitting there chomping on it like fucking Archie Bunker. So, you know, in defense of me, if she just turned around and she had just said, hey guys, I don't know if you know, but there's no smoking in here.

Yeah, I would have been, you know, I'm a happy drunk. I swear to God, I'm angry when I'm sober, but I swear to, I'm a happy drunk. I just would have been like, hey, sorry about that. We didn't know. Oh, wait for USC, all right, good luck, blah, blah, blah, whatever. I would have kept it at that. But she fucking was yelling at us.

So, I don't like being yelled at. And I like being, I like fucking with people and I'm shit-faced. And Joe is of the same ilk. And then that's when it all started. She just, she's like, hey, she goes, there's no smoking in here. And then immediately I just go, and I just go, I'm just like, hey, says who?

She goes, it's California, you're not allowed to smoke indoors. We're like, we're outside. And she goes, you're not allowed to smoke here. And I go, you're not my mother. This isn't our section. This isn't your section. Turn around, right? I just kept being an asshole.

And then finally she goes, I'm going to call security. And I'm like, call them. She goes, I'm going to call them. I go, go ahead and call them. And then in my head, my brain is going, Bill, shut up, shut up. You're going to get, we're 90 seconds into the game. You're going to get kicked out. And I just couldn't stop myself.

I just kept saying, call them. Call them. And then, then she made some sort of comment. I think about the size of Joe's nose. And then he said, hey, he goes, you need to lose a hundred pounds to talk to me, bitch. That's what I got. He said that. And then this guy that'll left of us turns around and he's like, hey, I got my kid here.

I got my kid here. What are you cursing? And then Joe goes, well, then don't bring him to a fucking football game. So now I'm doing that last, you know, that last way, like your mouth is wide open, but there's no air coming in or out. I'm having the time of my life. And then the fucking guy goes, he goes, I'm going to call security. And then I'm just, then at once again, I'm going, call them.

I'm going to call them. Go ahead and call them. Call them. I was just calling that bluff because we was so fucking jam packed in. I knew they weren't going to walk down there and go do that. So that lady makes another fucking comment at which point Joe makes another comment about her weight. And then she just turns down and is like, Mark, and yells down to her husband.

And next thing you know, this fucking dude comes running over and he starts screaming at us. And he's screaming at us. This spray is coming out of his mouth all over his wife. So he's like, I was just going, sir, sir, you're spitting on your wife. And once, you know, the whole thing was pathetic. He was like 53, but like, and I'm 40. And I'm thinking like, I'm not too old to fight this guy. You know, it was just, oh God, I'm trying to piece this together.

So then we all sit down, right? So then we sit down. I think Joe had put out the cigar. Maybe he was just holding it down. I don't know what was going on. But now by this time we had already missed the kickoff. The Trojans get the ball. And I think this is basically the one good play Penn State made all day.

They Trojans, their first play, I think offense, they handed off the ball and they tried to do like some sort of sweep. The Penn State defense strung it out and just stuck this guy either for no gain or for like lots of one yard. And then Joe, well, I forgot to mention is a good six foot four, just a huge guy. Just starts screaming like an inch from the back of the lady's head. Who's a Trojan fan? He just starts screaming like, nothing, nothing, nothing.

I can't believe like her hair wasn't moving. He was yelling so loud. And then she turned around, you know, that's just obnoxious. That's just obnoxious. It was great. It was fucking great. And then basically what would have for the rest of the game, shit would calm down.

And then we would, I don't know, we would mumble something about her and then she would fucking yell down to her husband and then he'd come over threatening to kick our ass. And we would just laugh at him and then I don't know. I just realized I was so drunk. I can't even remember the rest. I remember it was the very end of the game. Somebody, Joe, or somebody said something about the score

and then the lady in front of us goes, yeah, I'm surprised you can count that high. I go, yeah, why don't you try counting calories, right? Something real mean like that. And then once again, she's like, Mark. And then at this point, half the crowd had left because of such a blowout. This dude comes over and he starts fucking screaming at me.

Doesn't scream at Joe because Joe's six foot four. He yells at me because I'm fucking barely five, 10 and I'm a fucking redhead, right? Even with the shaved head, I still look like fucking howdy-duty. So he starts yelling at me and he keeps telling me, yeah, I'm going to fire you down on the field. That's what he kept saying. He kept telling me he's going to grab me

and fire me down on the fucking field. And I was just, you know, and I would just beat an asshole. Go ahead, dude, do it. We're going to fire you down the field. You said that. You already said that. You already said it. You already said it.

You fucking cunt, all right? If you're going to do it, you would have and you didn't. So you're not. So sit down and shut the fuck up, which is funny because by the end of the game, everyone in the stands somehow liked us and hated those people. I mean, half of it was because they were assholes. The other half was they couldn't hear the shit

that we were mumbling at this dude's wife. I know at this point you might have a little bit of sympathy for her, but I mean, I'm telling you, she was an asshole and she's the one who made it personal first. She made the comment about Joe's nose. She, oh, she was doing real hacky lines too. She told me I was ugly. She goes, and I always can lose weight, you know,

which I believe I saw during the second season of Def Jam. And, you know, and I thought what we were coming with was a lot more clever. And if it was a battle of the bands in a stand-up situation, I think we won. So basically what ended up happening, I know this is a long ass fucking story. I don't even have time for questions this week,

but long story short, we ended up walking out. Oh, and I believe somehow the lady in front of us too who was being a jerk had a bunch of these dark streaks on the back of her shirt towards the end of it. I don't know what it was. It almost looked like ashes from a cigar, but I know that that didn't happen because there's no smoking in there.

But anyways, we go to leave and we're basically so drunk. I don't know, man, it took us like fucking nine hours. I literally took us 50 minutes to find our car. I think it was karma for being such assholes in the stadium. And I don't know who to fuck set up the parking lot, things out there, but they basically, the way they do the sections on this golf course

is they have like balloons. They just have numbers, number one, number two, number three, but they're not lit up. So you can't really see them at night. So you walk out of the stadium drunk and you look up and you see, I saw the number two where we were parked. And, but you know, you got to follow the path because you can't walk through the sand traps and shit like that.

So you look down for half a second, then you look up and there's like a big fucking oak tree in front of you. And now you don't know where you are. It's like the end of the shining without the shrubs. It's a fucking golf course, right? So, and you're far enough away from the stadium where you can't get your bearings. And we're just wandering around and around and around.

And it's getting to the point like, you know, like hypothermia is becoming an issue because it's a desert. It starts getting cold with shit faced and we just can't fucking find a car. It was like a Blair Witch. We kept coming back to the same goddamn ladies teas, whatever the fuck we were. And then I lost all confidence in my ability to find the damn car.

So I start following Joe who is convinced, even though we both know we're parked in section two, we went from section three to section four to section five. And he keeps telling me to go in that direction. Because for some reason he thinks numerically, it's going to go three, four, five, two. I don't know. Took us an hour to find the fucking car.

And at that point I started so burned up and I started thinking about our behavior. And I was starting thinking like, you know, I kind of, kind of feel an asshole. Yeah, you know, I should have taken the higher ground, even though that girl was a cunt, you know. And he was just like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about?

She was a cunt. We treated her like one and then that's it. That's quite a lot about that guy. He just breaks it down to the simplest fucking point. Hey buddy, I got my kid here. Well, don't take your kid to a fucking football game. But you know, I know that's harsh, especially if you have kids. But think about it.

Think about it. Why would you bring your kid to his profession? To a sporting event? Not only that, that the guy with the kid is being hypocritical, because he was me before he had a kid, all right? He was having the time of his fucking life and what now? Because he has a kid, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to, I'm supposed to fucking act my age?

You know, it's like the fucking baby boom generation. They bang so much that fucking in the mud at Woodstock that by the time I come around, there's herpes and AIDS and all this shit. And then these, you know, then they come around with their, don't do drugs, wear a condom shit, after they had the time of their fucking lives. I'm so glad all of them are getting, that whole generation is getting hip replacements now,

with their fucking, because they all had that fucking Olivia Newton-John high impact aerobics tape that they did, trying to stay in shape. And so one good fucking thing, consider I got a fuck with a goddamn trash bag around my dick, my entire career, right? The very least, I at least knew to stretch before you lifted weights and I also did dangers of high impact aerobics. Okay, when I did my aerobics,

I definitely was rocking the leg warmers, but I did not let my feet leave the ground. Okay, so anyways, so that's my Rose Bowl story. It's a fucking long one, I know that, but I think it had some nice moments, but yeah, but getting back to that, what do you guys think about that stuff? You know, spawning events are not for children.

Okay, and I know they always try to talk about the good old days of sports. The good old days of sports is bullshit. Okay, when I was a kid, first football game I went to, I was fucking terrified. I was terrified. It was not a place for kids, it was a place for adults who hadn't achieved

what they thought they were gonna achieve in life, to get their fucking anger and frustration out. People within loveless marriages, you know? People, you know, people who could tell they were gonna get laid off the next week, or maybe they already got laid off, and they just wanted to get it out, okay? And they, you know, they've now turned

going to a fucking football game into like you're standing in line with a bunch of people waiting to get their kids, you know, photo taken with Santa Claus. You know, and even if you go further back than my childhood, which was 70s, early 80s, you go back to the 1950s, they talk about that. Oh, the good old days of sports.

Oh, what do you mean what? What, when they finally let a black guy play in baseball and they threw a fucking black hat on the field and all that racist shit that was going on? Can you imagine the shit that was getting yelled in the stands when Billy Crystal was going down? Oh, they're going down and go watch the mic. Boy, oh boy, I got myself a hot dog and a sasperilla.

You know, they always tell those stories about how great it was back then? It wasn't. It wasn't great. They were way more racist, way more ignorant, way more sexist, and people went to the games and they saw Johnny United. Okay, so now, for some reason,

now it's my turn to be an asshole and to be a drunk and have a good time. And all of a sudden, I have to take everything down a level. You know, now it's Chuck E. Cheese time. It isn't. And I know you guys are saying, well, that's because you don't have a kid right now. No, fuck that.

Fuck that. I wouldn't bring my kid to the game. Or if I brought the kid to the game, I would prepare him. I'd prepare him, you know? This is what's going to happen. Okay? You might see a fight, you know?

Hey, dad might even get in one. No, I never took it to that level. But you know what I mean? I think, uh... I don't know. Look it. This is how guilty I am for my behavior today. I actually pulled up a quote from George Orwell,

who, uh, granted this is from Wikipedia, which the other day I looked up something that I knew something about and was completely inaccurate. But this is according to Wikipedia, George Orwell said. Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It's a bound up...

It's bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules, and sadistic pleasures, pleasures in witnessing violence. In other words, it's war minus the shooting. Exactly. Now why the fuck would you bring a child to that?

And not only that, when was George Orwell alive? A long fucking time ago. I don't know when he was alive. When did he write 1984? He didn't write it in 83. I know that. He wrote it in like the 30s, didn't he?

I'm just saying. See, that's how he describes sports back then. So guys like, you know, these Billy Crystal guys who always do those little heartwarming stories about, uh, you know, their baseball cards and going down to the baseball stadium and acting like it was this fucking, you know,

this time that was lost. You know, George Orwell, right there, according to Wikipedia. I think I proved my point. I'm a moron. But I did have a good time. I'm going to tell you right this right now. If you ever get a chance

and you like to smoke a Cuban cigar, definitely do it. All right. Because I'm not even a big smoker. And I could tell how fucking amazing that cigar was because I've drank fine wines and I can't tell the difference. You know, when it took me a long time

to be comfortable with myself, you know, when you go through the whole long process, I spin in the big red wine glass around. I see red up on wine to try to learn. So I, you know, about it. So I wouldn't feel so fucking stupid when they bring a nice bottle of wine over and I'm like, you know,

this tastes like the shit I used to drink in high school. You know, I learned that, you know, red wine, the reason why it's in a bigger glass is because I'm about the oxygen and you want it to breathe more and how to, you know, move it around the fucking table and then you shove your fucking nose all the way in it and then you put it in,

you swish it all around your mouth. I got all the moves down and I'm like, swallow it. I'm like, yes, this tastes like every other fucking red wine I've ever had. That's not true. I can tell the difference between like, you know, a Cabernet or Merlot or something like that,

but like, I can't tell like the difference between a $14.99 bottle and a $60 bottle. And, you know, I guess I'm trying to stay with this podcast. I'm not that cultured. Okay. All right. Well, so why don't you guys shine in with that? Okay. Like, well, do you think maybe they should have a kid's section?

Should they just have a Chuck E. Cheese section? It's not my fault you knocked her up and you can't go to a game and have a good time now. You know you want to be getting drunk with me. All right. See what I just did there? That's how I made myself right. Made this guy who can't even defend himself actually be secretly agreeing with me.

That's how I do it. But I mentioned I have a rat problem. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 4th, 2010. And I'm having a lot of difficulty doing this fucking podcast right now because I feel like this is like, you know,

it's my second attempt to start it. I can already feel like this one's going to fucking suck because I feel like I can't fucking do what it is that I do because my downstairs neighbor is a fucking cunt. You know, I told you guys that story about my downstairs fucking neighbor, how he waits till I'm on the road and he starts yelling at my girlfriend about how loud she is,

you know, and then when I come back, all of a sudden he doesn't yell. He's like real sarcastic. He used to do it. You know, if I drop something, he'll be like, do it again. Right. This old guy. So, you know, I'm a dick.

So I fucking whatever I dropped, I drop it from a foot higher, you know, like, how was that? You old fuck, you know, this isn't even, this isn't even like my attitude towards the guy. All right. My girl, you know, she called me and she said, look, this guy's yelling at me.

I'm really getting tired of this shit. You know, I want you to go downstairs and say something to the guy. Okay. And if you guys listen to my podcast, you know, I came to the resolution like, where is that going to get me? I'm not going to go downstairs and get into it with some old guy.

Okay. I don't fucking yell at old people. All right. I might whisper about him and call him cunts on my fucking podcast. Okay. But I have respect face to face. Okay. He's old. He doesn't have the internet. He's never going to hear this shit.

You know. So anyways, long story short is yesterday. And when the fuck was it was two, it was January 2nd. You know, I get a big thing. January 2nd. Christmas tree comes down. That's it.

It's fucking over. All right. I wait till the end of New Year's. I wait till all that stuff. Happy New Year. Oh, let that be if I gotta go fuck yourself. I go through all of that shit. But the second that's over,

it's like, all right, it's, you know, it's game time. All right. Back to reality. There's no fat fuck coming down the goddamn chimney. I don't have a fucking chimney. I have a boarded up fireplace. All right.

So Christmas is on me. If I don't go to Best Buy, it ain't happening. You know, so, you know, that's one of those fucking things. If you got kids, if you got kids right now, don't have, don't have them listening to this part. That's one of those fucking things if you're a parent, right?

And, you know, when you're renting a place like mine, that has a fucking boarded up fireplace, that's when, you know, the questions come, you know, and you get even further into the lie, you know. Santa Claus, he delivers. He gives you everybody around the world. Yes, he does. Yes, he does.

They say he comes down the chimney. How's he gonna do it? Well, actually in our place, there is a chimney. He comes down it and he has a secret key. He has a secret key and he's able to unlock, and you're just sitting there in your head going, Jesus, how deep, you know, you know what? There is no fucking Santa Claus, okay?

Jesus Christ. How fucking dumb is the person that I made it with that you actually still believe this shit? Because I know that that's not my half of the brain asking that fucking question. All right, kid, do the fucking math. You know? Fat fuck has time to deliver all these gifts

to everyone around the world. And even though you can't even grasp the reality of that, we have a boarded up fucking fireplace. All right, come on. What's he gonna back his fat ass through the fucking thing? So anyways, so it's January 2nd, okay? Fucking tree's coming down. And I don't do what most douchebags do, okay?

I don't fucking just, you know, drive down the highway and toss it off on the fucking medium strip like some sort of mob snitch. All right? I don't. I give two in the back of the fucking, and you want to actually do? I take it outside.

All right? I fucking whack my Christmas tree like fucking Abe Vagoda. Remember that? And the godfather, and he looks at Robert Duvall, you know, hey, for old time's sake, sorry, sorry, fish, can't do it. That's how I take my tree out to the fucking driveway. And then I cut it up like a fucking body.

I do. I fucking saw off all the limbs. And then I cut up the trunk in like four or five different sections and I stick it into the green trash bin like I'm supposed to. All right? Then I sweep up the pine needles out of the driveway and all the fucking ones out of my living room. And that's the end.

There you go. Another Christmas. Go fuck yourself, right? So this is the deal. You know, when you first get the Christmas tree, you're watering it. Oh, Christmas tree, oh, Christmas tree. And three days into it, you're so fucking stressed out.

You stop watering it. You start telling yourself what's fucking dead anyways. You know? It's on its last legs, whatever, right? So basically, by the time you drag the fucking thing out, the tree is so goddamn dead. All right? It, you know, the pine needles fall out.

The little needles, they fall out everywhere. All right? And I know they're not pine needles for all you fucking nature freaks out there. Whatever the fuck they are, the goddamn evergreen needles, they start falling all over the place. So I bring it out my front door, stand in all, and I start dragging it down the fucking stairs, okay?

And I'm trying not to be loud, okay? But I am taking a tree down a flight of fucking stairs. All right? Fucking water spilling. The needles are going all over the place, you know? But I'm being quiet. And it's 10 in the fucking morning, okay? If I wanted to build a house,

I could actually legally start at 7 in the morning. It's 10 in the fucking morning, right? So I drag the thing around and I bring it around the back and all of a sudden fucking grumpy old man sticks his head out the door and he looks at me. And he just screams with his bizarre look on his face. He just said something like, what the fuck did he say? He just yelled out, beautiful morning, isn't it?

You know? And I was looking at him like, what the fuck did he just say something so nice with that angry look on his face? If I have a second, I was going, man, I think that guy's crazy. You know, he reminded me of that guy in Clockwork Orange. Food, all right!

You know? So I was like, I just sort of looked at him and I kept going. I always forget that he's fucking sarcastic as hell and whatever he says, he means the exact fucking opposite. He's basically saying, yeah, what a beautiful fucking morning for you to be making all this goddamn noise. So I walk back around again. This time I look at him because now at this point

I finally figured out he was fucking with me. So I'm, you know, I'm staring down an old man, right? Just this is a really embarrassing story. So I walk up, I walk upstairs, right? I stare at him, he stares at me. He doesn't say a fucking word because that's his MO. He doesn't like confrontations. He says, shit, he doesn't mean he means the exact opposite.

And he yells at people through floors. All right. And he fucking lives alone. And it's a really sad situation. Okay. So whatever. So I go upstairs. All right.

My girl's all heated. He just fucking yelled at me again. Rada, rada, rada. I want you to go down there until I'm like, all right. I'll fucking do it against my good judgment. Do not go down there against my gut saying, what the fuck good is going to come out of this? So I go down there and I walk down

and he's fucking sitting there, right? And he's got this brick path. He got to walk up and he's sitting at the end of it, just staring at me, right? Expecting me to walk by his path. But lo and behold, I make a left and I start walking up his path, like some sort of fucked up high noon shit.

And I'm staring right at the guy. Okay. And you know what I saw on his face? I saw fear. And I see did what all guys do. Oh, you fucking cunt. Jesus Christ. Carson Palmer just threw a fucking other interception.

The Jets are up 24 and nothing. Oh my God, it's fucking over. Have you ever seen a fucking team back into the playoffs more than the fucking Jets did? Jesus Christ. I'll tell you right now, I fucking hate the Colts as a Patriots fan. But I'll tell you right now,

let me just sidestep this fucking story. Let me just tell you something right now. I feel bad for everybody in Indianapolis. That should not happen to sports fans. When you're going for something like that, you should lose it because you're not because you got beat by a better team. You don't put in fucking some guy from Home Depot

to be quarterback. Jesus Christ. This is killing my prediction that Rex Ryan was going to make an attempt on his fucking life. I think the NFL knows it. So they pulled Peyton Manning out. I bet everybody in Indianapolis,

douchebag of the week is your fucking GM or whatever the hell made that goddamn call. So now this week they're playing the fucking the goddamn Bengals who had their best receiver fall off the back of a fucking truck. I mean, Jesus Christ, I hope we don't play him. I wonder the fuck what's going to happen to our team. I think the Jets got some sort of mojo going.

If they're on your schedule, something fucking horrific is going to happen. You're going to make a bad decision or somebody's going to die. So anyways, so I'm walking up to this fucking old guy, right? And and I see fear on his face and he does what all guys do when they get scared is they turn the fear into anger so they can function during this thing.

And my whole thing is I'm coming down here going, Bill, don't lose your cool. Let's try to fucking work this shit out with this guy. So I just say, hey, you know, I came out the fuck I said, I just said, you know, hey, you know, you're kind of always yelling up at my girlfriend. We always hear you yelling up at us. I was just, you know, wondering what the problem was.

He's like, what do you mean? What is the problem? His face is all fucking twisted up. And I'm like, oh, Jesus, here we go. And I'm like, no, you know, I just, I know that you think that we're loud. We try to walk around, not put our shoes on. You know, I just want to come down here

and you just want to work it out. And he goes, what do you mean work it out? And I'm like, you know, try to come to some sort of resolution or whatever. And he just starts fucking going. She just sounded like she just dropped a brick on a damn floor. He's screaming now. He's screaming now.

His fucking voice is echoing through the courtyard. Okay. And I'm fucking sitting there trying to be civil, but I don't give a fuck. He just bang on the fucking floor. I'm doing an impression of you, you fucking asshole. So he bangs on the fucking, I think he just banged on the fucking floor.

Dude, this is fucking, I'm 41 year old fucking man. I'm still dealing with somebody downstairs. This is ridiculous. I got to get a fucking house. Anyways, so, so he starts fucking yelling. I don't give a fuck. Even if you're in the man, I whisper on my own fucking podcast,

fucking cunt guys spending 50 years. He's probably paying $7 a month in rent. So anyways, I don't give a shit. The second and old person is yelling at you. Even if you're being relaxed or whatever, people immediately think that you're an asshole. You know, it's kind of like when a chick throws a drink in your face, it's obvious.

Obviously you did something. She has a vagina, right? Obviously I did something. His fucking whole body, body looks like a fucking wrinkled up nutsack. You know? So this guy is fucking yelling at me. And I'm going, dude, I'm like, I didn't say dude,

I was trying to be, listen, I just trying to work things out. He goes, what do you mean? What's that? Work it out. He's like, what is that? Some sort of new hip expression? That's what he said.

It's like, oh my God. Did he just say some new hip expression? And he's going, you know, you're always walking across with your shoes. And I'm like, dude, you think I can't hear your TV? It's an old building. What do you want me to do? And he goes, ah, why don't you get lost?

Right? Like I'm in some little rascals episode, like fucking three Stooges. Why don't you scram? Right? So I just kept going. No, I didn't come down here to argue with you. I'm trying.

And he goes, I already called the landlord about you. And I was like, well, call him again. Call him again. You think they're afraid of you moving out with your fucking $3 a month rent? You fucking asshole. They never called me because they don't give a shit because you're out of your fucking mind.

So at one point I'm trying to make a point to the guy and he just goes, how's your band? Like making fun of the fact that I play guitar and I suck. He said it unbelievably sarcastic and really hurt my feelings for half a second. He so caught me out of nowhere with that that I wanted, I almost started reading my resume. I almost said, actually, I'm not in a band.

Actually, I'm a comedian and I'm playing the improv next week. Thank you very much. Like that's how bad this guy caught me. And part of me after he said, you know, how's the band? How's your band? I wanted to be like, dude, how's your fucking life? You know, but I didn't. I didn't because I don't yell at old people.

It probably sounds like I do by the way I'm saying this. This is the shit afterwards when I'm venting about it. Like it really fucked me up. So finally I was just like, you know what? You're being a jerk. You're being a jerk. Oh, is that right? Is that right?

Is that some sort of new hip term? Fucking sitting there shaking like a leaf suffine. I just, I walked away. And little did I know that my girlfriend was standing on the balcony above all of it, listening to all of it. So not only did she instigate the whole fucking thing, telling me to go down there. She actually got to listen to this guy trash my guitar playing,

which by the way, we both laughed our asses off about. But before we did, I went upstairs. Okay. And at this point I'm just sitting there like mad at myself. Go, why didn't you listen to yourself? Bill, you knew that that wasn't going to go anywhere, right? So any fucking way I go upstairs and I see my girl. I'll tell you what, you see, you see, ready to go.

Is that what the fuck you wanted? Is that what the fuck you wanted? I told you that wasn't going to go anywhere. That wasn't going to go anywhere. And now what he's going to do is he's going to call all the fucking landlord and he's going to bitch to high fucking heaven. And he's going to exaggerate everything

that fucking went on down there. I'm fucking believable. I'm fucking believable. And the thing was, I felt really good about it. Fucking believable. And the thing was, I felt really bad the second I got down there. I just kept trying to go, no, no, I'm trying to work this out. And everything I would say, he would just repeat it

and be like, what is that made? You know, and they trashed my guitar playing. And I, oh my God, I was like, Jesus Christ. I was like embarrassed. I was actually embarrassed. I was like, wow, he can fucking hear me. I know I suck. I thought I played it quiet enough.

So now I'm up here with my amp. I got headphones on the next day. And I'm playing my awful ACDC. It's a fucking hobby. You know, maybe you ought to get a hobby, old fuck, like getting some friends. See, see, that's why that's why I kept my cool because I would have said shit like that.

You know, that's fucking brutal. And you know what's funny is my girl still fucking pissed at the guy. That's like a female thing, I think, because he's a guy and she kind of feels like he's bullying her and stuff. And I just kept telling her going, you know what, I feel bad for the guy.

I just slammed the door downstairs. Am I being fucking loud? This is ridiculous. I'm like, borderline whispered here. So maybe he can hear the fucking story. That's his passive aggressive way of saying he disagrees with my last point. Yeah, slam something else, you cunt.

Do they have that word back in the 20s? Cunt, what does that mean? Is that some new hip word for vagina? Yeah, so I was just saying, you know, I feel bad for the guy. I have to whisper. I have to whisper this part because you might hear, because dude, that guy isn't the exact fucking nightmare.

Okay, there's two ways you don't want to die in prison. And you don't want to be that old person alone. You don't. Okay, you don't. You know, if your spouse dies, that's a different fucking story because you live life, you know, but you know, it's, you don't want to be the person who never got fucking married.

You guys didn't even have a goddamn parakeet. He fucking always has the blinds. You know, I didn't want to get in a fight with this fucking guy. I feel like an asshole. I really feel like a fucking asshole. So that's my situation right now. And I, you know, that's my situation.

Like the guy in the Jersey Shore. Did you guys watch it this week? I don't even know what week I'm on. I fucking watched the first half of that shit. I gotta tell you, Mike, this situation is my new fucking hero. They actually finally showed the footage because when Snooki got punched in the face, I was wondering like, where the fuck were all the guys?

How come they didn't do anything? And they showed the footage of Mike, the situation. Mike, the situation, he didn't do, not only did he not do anything, he continued to hit on the girl that he was with. And that's why I thought it was hilarious. If he didn't do anything because he was scared, that would have been something else.

But like this girl gets blasted in the face by this guy. She's on the floor sobbing. And he just looked at it almost like the way a wild animal looks at you across the fucking cage, when it's just sort of looking at you. Seize you're not a threat or whatever. And he just immediately looks at the girl. He's like, oh, you want to get something to eat?

You want to get something to eat? I'll show you my abs. It's fucking hilarious. And then watching all those other guys in the house going, you know, Mike, the situation, he saw the whole fucking thing. What did he do? He did nothing.

He did nothing. What do you mean? He didn't, he did no guts. The situation. She was sitting there, her face was in a plate of tortellini. Oh, it's like the most offensive fucking show on TV. But that was some, that was fucking hilarious. He didn't do a fucking, he could, he could give a fuck.

And they were all sitting there going, yeah, that's not a true friend. You're fucking right. It isn't whatever. Mike, the situation knows what he wants. He doesn't want to get in the middle of that shit. Fucking meatball standing up there, screaming at that fucking ugly gym teacher.

Anyways, I didn't know what I'm talking about. Now I'm all fucking self-conscious because that fucking guy downstairs, I always wondered about his life. Like, how did he end up down there? You know, ever see old people like that? Like, how did that happen? You know, Jesus Christ.

He's out here in LA. Probably fucking tested for Michael's Navy. You know, went to network staring across at Ernest Borg-9 going, this motherfucker, I thought he did movies. Anyways, I don't know where to go with this fucking podcast. I'm really kind of lost right now because of that shit. So, I don't know. I was going to nominate the guy downstairs,

douchebag of the week. I would have done that five minutes ago when I was still pissed at him. I just felt bad for the guy. Felt bad for the guy. I felt bad about the whole fucking situation. Jesus Christ. The guy was like trembling as he was yelling at me.

He was so out of his mind. I kept trying to calm him down going, I'm trying to work this out. Ah, get lost. You know, the whole thing took like fucking maybe two and a half minutes. Anyways, I don't know where the fuck to go from this. Oh, by the way, have you guys seen that fucking scam on TV where they're trying to sell you that gold coin for $19.95,

the $50 gold coin for $19.95? And then in the end, they start talking about how an ounce of gold is worth like is selling for $1,200 bucks. I mean, that's one of those things where I don't feel bad for people who buy shit like that. You know what I mean? If you're too stupid to realize that somebody's selling you a $50 coin for 20 bucks, that that person would be going broke $30 a coin.

If you're too dumb to do the fucking math on that, and then also not to hear how they go 14 carat gold, and then they use this term, I was going to write the term down. I forget what it is, but it basically means they basically they picked up a rock at the beach and they sort of dusted it with 14 carat gold. And it's so lightly dusted with this fucking gold that they can actually sell it for $19.95

and still probably become multimillionaires. And one of the great lines in it is limit five per customer. Also to put that in your head like, oh, fuck, oh, wait a minute, people are these things going to be gone? People are buying five of these. This is a great investment. This is a great investment thing. In case the economy goes south, I'll have these $50 $19.95.

$19.95 gold coins that they sprayed with the same shit that they spray the cast of the Jersey Shore with. People are just the fucking morons. Go ahead, go buy five of them and hide them in your snuggies. You dumb fucks. Oh, that's what I should buy the guy downstairs. I'm going to buy him a fucking snuggie as a peace offering. Get him that in a package of fucking earplugs.

What does that mean? Back in my day, we just went deaf. All right, you guys want to watch a fucked up YouTube video? I got one for you. It's actually not even on YouTube. It's on a new website. It's called Today's Big Thing, T-O-D-A-Y-S Big Thing. All together, all lowercase.

This is what you search. Write it down. Get a post it. Act like you're on the phone and you're fucking doing something. For those of you driving around, it's 22 minutes, 26 seconds into the podcast if you want to fast forward to write this down. Look at me being fucking user friendly. It's called www.todaysbigthing.com backslash2009 backslash12 backslash30.

It's a fat guy jumping into a frozen lake and he goes right through the fucking ice. And there's a moment there where I don't know. I didn't really find it to be a funny video. And I thought his friends were unbelievably ignorant with their incredible lack of urgency with the situation, the situation. I don't know how quick hypothermia sets in. But I don't know, judging by the fucking weight of this guy and the stress that's already putting on his heart,

the kid easily could have had a fucking heart attack. And they were trying to pull the motherfucker out and it's unreal. He ends up walking out of the lake like Godzilla. He's just got to break the fucking ice all the way back to the shore. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. That fucking image just hit me. All right.

Anyways, anyways, this podcast sucks. I got to bring the energy. I got to bring the energy. All right. Let's talk about me right now. I'm on the wagon. I am seriously on the wagon. I went to the Rose Bowl again this year.

And this year, rather than bringing a camera, I bought my flip phone and I was videotaping. And I was just embarrassed by my behavior. And it's not funny. It's just embarrassing. And no, I won't be uploading it. And no, it will never be extras. And if you were part of the tailgate next to me,

remember when I said I was going to email you some of the footage that I took? I'm not sending it to you because I'm in it. And I am just really embarrassingly drunk. I sounded like animal. And every foot, you remember animal from the Muppet Show? That's what I sounded like the entire fucking time. And, you know, what's the worst thing to do is the next day when I watched the footage, not only being that drunk, but when I was actually looking at the unbelievable

spectacle that is the Rose Bowl and to realize that I've gone to a two years in a row and can barely remember more than 30 seconds of it. I'm watching the Jets game right now and I just realized that he was playing quarterback for USC last year in the Rose Bowl. I actually sort of saw him play. But I was too busy yelling at the fat chicken in front of me and listening to her husband telling me that he was going to throw me down on the field. So this year, I actually passed out for eight minutes of the second quarter,

just out like a light, like an old person in a fucking rocking chair, two in the afternoon, just out, you know, fucking, you know, $600 a day. After all is said and done, the fucking Cuban cigars and all the bullshit in the parking. Now I'm just fast asleep, granddaddy of them all. Just a fucking mess. Maybe the footage will be funny at some point because I got to admit, every other thing is me cutting to my buddy who's drunker each time and every time he just, he just looks at the camera and he sort of slurs granddaddy of them all.

It was bad. I was hammered and I was making, we brought like these fucking rib eye steaks. This is these fucking sweet things, right? So we forget a knife. My buddy is buttering them up with his index finger. And I put enough charcoal on there to cook a fucking Bronto burger. So the second the flames hit that butter, oh my God, it was unreal. It was like the outside was well done and the inside was still cold. And everyone was just watching me going, Hey buddy, don't flip the steak too much.

It's like, I can't, I can't not flip it. It's fucking hot as hell. It was bad and it was really bad. It was really bad and I'm fucking it. You know, I'm just really embarrassing myself. I scared an old man. I was drunk off my ass. Like I've been to the Rose Bowl twice and I really don't even feel like I've been to it. I mean, I was in there, but I don't remember any of it. And I don't know what happened. I can't name one fucking player. I know that guy Blount who punched that dude on Boise State.

I don't know the name of one person on Ohio State. I don't know the name of one person on Oregon. All I know is Oregon hasn't won the Rose Bowl since 1913. I did learn that and evidently cheap trick was somewhere there playing. And this is how much I was drinking and how much I was enjoying it. We got there at 8.30 in the morning for a 1.30 kickoff. And within two seconds, it was like, it was almost 1.30. It was two o'clock kickoff after all the bullshit.

And I was actually annoyed. I was like, why couldn't it have been like a four o'clock game? I'm having a good time. And once again, we had a couple of big bottles of Crown Royal and we had a whole case of beer between the two of us. And for the life of me, I don't know where it all went. It was just gone. It was fucking gone.

And at the end of the night, I bought, you know, another, you want to talk about overrated, expensive sunglasses. Okay. I've gotten a couple as like gifts and I always lose them on planes. Right. So this time I finally go out and buy a pair. All right. And I don't take them on the road with me.

And this time I actually brought them, you know, made a little checklist this year for the Rose Bowl. And I fucking brought them. The end of the game. I got them, you know, tucked into my fucking t-shirt. And my buddy comes up, oh, what a game. It gives me a big hug. And I just hear, they didn't break.

They just could fit on, I don't know, pick something with a huge fucking head. They could fit on that person's head now. So it was bad. So I actually came home and I dumped out all the beer that I had in the fridge. I dumped out the rest of my, I had a little fucking, you know, those little fucking flask things I had at that gym beam. I dumped that out.

I had a little bit more left. Quarter of a bottle of gentlemen Jack. I know people are cringing. I dumped that. And then I got this 15 year old Scotch. I kept that. But I'm shutting it down. I'm shutting it down.

I'm not going to fucking AA, but I'm shutting it down. And next year I'm not drinking at the Rose Bowl. I'm just not. Okay. I'm getting a fucking respectable grill. And I'm going to redeem myself. Uh, yeah, it's just fire. It's fucking pathetic.

My behavior was just completely, and I just look like such a douchebag. I don't know. Gee, Bill, what a week, huh? You got, did you do anything good this week? All right, let's see what I do. You know what? I, I, uh, Jesus Christ.

Can you fucking tackle somebody? It's 27, nothing. The jets, you know what the jets are? The jets are like Red Sox fans. Well, they don't understand. Like, you know, Red Sox fans don't seem to understand that singing sweet Caroline is one of the gayest things ever. I gotta admit, you know, something, I respect jets fan

because you're a hardcore fan if you follow that fucking team because they kick you in the seeds every year, right before they twist your heart out of your chest. So I totally fucking respect you, even though I can't stand you because you're in a fucking division. But I'm telling you, dude, when they put that fireman, when that guy lifts the other guy up on his shoulders and he's dressed like he's in the fucking village people

with that stupid fireman hat, and don't even fucking email me and tell me, are you actually a real fireman? I don't give a fuck. All right. If you're wearing a fireman helmet and you're not on your way to a fire or sitting in a fucking firehouse,

you look like an asshole. All right. And when he, J E T S jets, jets, jets, you know something? That's the only thing of this year that my downstairs neighbor would understand because that is a fucking, that's like, it's like a fucking cheer from the 1920s. J E T S jets, jets, jets, jets.

And they're all pumping their fists like those guys on the Jersey Shore listening to house music. It's really, really fucking bad. And speaking of which, why do you guys need a new stadium? What's wrong with that? That stadium is fine. You know what it is? There's some sort of scam going on with those new stadiums

because the amount of fucking new stadiums that they built, I kind of understood a new Yankee stadium. You know, it's not like they didn't have the money to fucking fix it up again. I guess they already did it. But the metal ends is only like, what, 30, 35 years old? Then they build another one right next to it. It looks like the exact same fucking thing.

Oh, let me guess what. You can get sushi at this one. So now it's $200 more for a seat. We got even bigger seats because everybody's even fatter now. Anyways, all right. Last week I did a segment called Oh Jesus, where, you know, I stated my opinions on what I felt about organized religion and all that type of stuff.

And I got a shit storm of emails. But believe it or not, most of them were very complimentary. I'm saying that's exactly how I agree, how I feel. You know, see you in hell. Like here's one, somebody said, Dear Bill, Southern mega church is a corporate monster that needs to die. The trick of the church is that they've been perfecting

their scam since man started blaming natural phenomenon on gods. It's all based on fear and the constant charge decided at some point that they could make money off of it. I don't blame the sheep for believing the shepherd. Blame the wolf for dressing like a shepherd. You know what? I agree with that. I think that's a great point.

But you know, I have to admit past a certain age, you're a moron if you believe stuff like that. You know what I mean? It's like if you're in your 20s, you can still blame your parents for shit that they did to you. You know, and maybe that's why you're a little dysfunctional. But you kind of worked that shit out. And that becomes a point in your life

where you got to stop blaming your fucking parents. You got to take charge of your own life. And when you fuck up, you got to take it on yourself. All right. Jesus Christ, the fucking Jets are running a goddamn wishbone offense. Do you know what the genius of that is? Like the reason why they never did it in the pros is because the quarterback gets fucking stuck.

You know, and you can't have Joe Montana getting stuck trying to gain fucking six yards on the ground, right? But now the geniuses is they stick like a fucking wide receiver or running back in there. Why didn't anybody, who came, is anybody into football enough where they know who came up with that shit? Oh, and speaking of which,

I'm already going into football withdrawal. I don't know if other NFL fans have this. There's always that amazing excitement when the NFL playoffs are coming up, but then there's also like that depression of like, fuck, it's almost over, you know? I hate that, like the NFL season, just because, you know, one game a fucking week,

how quick it goes. And also secondly, I think I'm going to try to get into the English Premier League soccer. I found out that I have a channel that actually shows that shit and baseball's coming up and I'm just not into fucking watching the Red Sox, Angels and Yankees battle it out for the 90th year in a fucking row. So if anybody over in England can tell me when that league starts,

when the playoffs are, does it overlap in the baseball because that would be fucking phenomenal. All right, so anyways, let's get back to this stuff. So yeah, so that's how I look at it, okay? The same way, you know, at some point you have to stop, you know, you got to stop blaming your parents, you got to stop being like, dude, chicks are psychos.

You got to be like, no, I'm picking psychos and you got to take responsibility. I feel the same way about religion, you know what I mean? If you're a kid or whatever and you're young, right through your 20s, you believe, but at some point you got to understand, it's a fucking guess and that it is an unbelievably profitable fucking business, you know?

I mean, especially, you know, that shit that they say, a rich man has as much chance as getting into heaven as a camel has walking through the eye of a needle and you look at how these fucking people in your religion are living, then they don't seem too concerned about getting through the eye of that fucking needle. You know, wake the fuck up people.

Go buy a $19 gold coin, yeah. Jesus, all right, not trying to be judged, whatever. Maybe, maybe I don't understand it. All right, next one. It was actually, you know what, there was somebody here who actually had a real rational point here that I wanted to read. All right, and it's entitled For What It's Worth, you know?

And first of all, right there, that's what the internet needs a little more of, you know, for what it's worth, rather than being like, hey, shit head, like I do. Okay, all right, Bill, just want to say I understand your points on the religious thing. Like you guys raised Catholic and left at this point,

I actually recently started going back to Christian church that doesn't have a denomination. It's not Baptist or anything, it's just plain Christian. Anyway, I totally agree with you when it comes down to the fact that people don't really know any whole idea is full of holes. I think the biggest problem is that Christians love to get into the debates,

only bringing the faith concept along, which obviously makes no sense to people that haven't bought into the whole idea, which makes the whole argument pointless, exactly. And that's the problem with Christians, just like other groups of people, a lot of them are frankly stupid and don't know what they're talking about.

It's not really their fault, just not everyone is meant to teach others on every topic. All right, you know, I don't know if I agree with that. No, it is your fault. If you're a fucking idiot, if you're born stupid, you know, that's not your fault. But if you're just a fucking moron who repeats shit that people say in bars like me.

All right, why don't I shut the fuck up and read the rest of this? All right, Bill, I think something you could understand is no one buys into the Christian thing just because of the Bible. If they do, they probably can be won over by anything. People buy into the Christian thing because of something they felt that is beyond understanding. After feeling it, they start looking for an answer

and they are drawn into the Christian thing. At that point, you can just feel it in your bones and you know it's real. But it's a personal experience for everyone and it can't be taught. But I think what that guy meant by ask Jesus and tell you is not literally ask. I knew he didn't mean that.

I was just being an asshole. It's really a soul search, which isn't something that usually happens overnight and eventually you will come to an understanding within yourself. Reading the Bible or going to church can help, but it all comes down to whether you are even interested in finding out.

I mean, right there, I 100% agree with all of that. Okay, and I like to think that I made some sort of point where I guess I believe in some sort of higher thing because you can feel, I don't know, it's inexplicable. But I also know that nobody alive knows what the, like I feel that feeling that you're talking about, I feel is a private thing. And it shouldn't be exploited.

And it shouldn't be this money making thing. And you shouldn't try to scare the shit out of me that I'm going to hell and start making up all these fucking cartoon characters like they have. You know what I mean? That's what they're doing. They're just making up shit and they're making up stories and all this fucking crap based off of this feeling

and also based off of people's fear of dying. But I have to 100% agree with all that. I mean, see, that's the way you go about it. Okay, for what it's worth. Okay, the mere fact that he puts in for what it's worth is right there, it's like, okay, I'm not ramming this shit down your throat. For what it's worth, this is what I feel.

No point did he say he's 100% right. This is just how he feels. Okay, that's the way to go about it. As opposed to this other person who, this is what somebody wrote me. Bill, there's an empty spot inside of you that you try to fill with anything you can. Fame, hitting it big, fortune, family, dog, etc.

But actually, there isn't anything that can fill that void, that empty void, fill that void empty feeling inside you, except for Jesus. I mean, that is the funniest fucking thing ever. They're trying to convince me that I'm not happy. This is like the happiest period of my life. I got a great girl, I'm living with her, I love her, I love living with her, I got a fucking dog.

I mean, you know how great my life is to come home to them? It's great. It's fucking great. My career is right where it's at. I've carved out a nice niche for myself, people show up. I got a cool level of notoriety, but I could still walk down the street with no pants on and no one would give a shit,

short of why is this guy not wearing pants? I'm having a great fucking time. And this person is superimposing their own feeling of when they accepted Jesus, because they couldn't fill it up with shit, that now they're going to tell me that I'm empty, and they don't even fucking know me. Moron. So anyways, the only way to fill it up is to come to our church

and to accept Jesus and reach in your pocket, take out that legal tender, put it in the basket, give it to me, I'll go get a hooker, and we'll do it again next Sunday. Um, he actually made that spot inside of you. Okay, let's, this is how, this is how fucking, you guys into science fiction? All you guys who can't afford movie tickets

because of the recession and you're really killing yourself because you can't go see Avatar. I got one for you here. Just sit back, close your eyes, take a hit off something if you need to. Here's the rest of this shit. He actually made that spot inside of you, that only he fits into.

Creepy. Um, really? So he wants to get inside of me and that spot that only he fits into. Jesus Christ. And all you have to do is ask, you know, I don't want to ask some dead fucking hippie to crawl into a space inside me that he only fits into.

He's knocking at the door of your heart. Sort of got him not making this up. Is this lyrics to a bad Jim neighbor song written by John Denver? Sergeant Carter. Anyways, you only have to open the door because he's a gentleman. He won't force his way in.

He will come in if invited. He's waiting patiently. But is it, but, but, and this is from me to you. There's no time like the present. Nobody knows how long anybody lives. It says in the Bible also tomorrow is promised to no one. But don't get spooked. Oh yeah, why would I want to get spooked

when you're telling me, you know, tomorrow isn't promised to anybody and there's this dead fucking son of this dude who was stuck into a vagina without any semen who wants to get inside me into a space that only he fits into. But don't get spooked. Doesn't mean as soon as you do that, it's curtains. No, I'm not saying, you this guy's the worst.

I can't even read the rest of that shit. That is just fucking ridiculous. Dude, you know what you're doing right now? It's like you went down to the car dealership and they sold you a lemon and now you want to dump it onto me and you're trying to remember the horrible sales pitch that they gave to you.

Come on in here. Are you tired? Are you weak? Are you broke? How many people out there? I could fucking do that. Jesus Christ, here I am trying to blow up telling jokes. Why don't I just start my own fucking church?

You know, who out there has been tired this week? And what you do is you have me hand up the whole time. Hey, who out there has been tired? Let me hear you say I'm tired. Well, Jesus wants you to be tired. He wants you to be tired to live in the life you're living. It's time for you to wake up and get some energy. Reach into your fucking pockets.

I want that amount of curse in my church. Usually you have fucking pockets. Give me some goddamn money. You guys want to, who here wants to feel better? Would you guys go to a church if I just talk like this? I didn't do that stupid sing-songy stuff. Stomping my foot wearing a fucking sky blue three piece fucking suit. Now, would you go to my church if I did that?

Yeah, who here wants to feel better? All right. What do you want to do this year, sir? You want to lose some weight? Why are you going to lose weight? Yeah, you can do it. Stop being a pussy. Eat chicken breast and fucking broccoli at seven o'clock.

Go to bed, drink some fucking water. All right. That'll be five bucks. I don't even fucking go with this. I'm already getting self-conscious and I'm going to start screaming again. Don't worry. The podcast will be fine. I just got to let this.

I got to let this shit die down with fucking. I don't know. That guy who played Mr. Hand in Fast Times at Ridgemont. He's dead now, isn't he? All right. All right. Let's plow ahead. Dude, you can't believe all the shit I got.

I got another guy who actually, he was saying that he thought the podcast was hilarious and all the stuff that he said in religion was really funny. And then he tried to get me to read the book of Mormons. And I was real sneaky. And his selling points were also, I don't want to read it. I don't want to. I've been to Utah. I've seen what your religion does to people.

Okay. I've been there. I've seen it. Everybody's sneaking around, fucking their girlfriend in the ass. So she's still a goddamn virgin, you know, 32 year old guys still walking around, never had a piece of ass in their fucking life because some guy who's got 58 wives told him not to. I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

I'm not trying to shit on Utah. All right. Beautiful scenery. Okay. But you only get one life. Okay. Go down to the drugstore, get some condoms and start talking shit. All right.

That's what the fuck you're supposed to be doing in your teens and in your 20s. Okay. And then eventually one day you're going to be fucking a girl that you don't give a shit about. You're going to roll over and you're going to feel this empty feeling. You're going to be like, what the fuck am I doing? I can't do this anymore. Oh my God.

Is she really going to try to have some false sense of intimacy now? It's not the worst. That's what I was hated about one night stands was afterwards. I always loved those professional girls who just got the fuck out afterwards. Not trying to, you know, suppress any sort of a guilt. You know, any sort of guilt. That's the worst. One night stand is when that fucking creepy hand comes over and, you know,

she puts her head under your chest and they're fucking hair. And you're just sitting there. Remember Billy Crystal? And when Harry met Sally, he's got that one foot on his floor and his eyes are wide awake. Yeah. At some point you get sick of that. And he's just like, all right, you know, if I don't fucking settle down and get a good one, you know, I'm going to end up like that fucking grumpy old man downstairs.

All right. Somebody trashed me on my ignorance on the NFL network. He said, I'm surprised at such a big sports, sports fan as Jesus Christ. These are emails I get. First of all, let me say that I am surprised that such a big sports fan as you is confused by the NFL network and NFL Sunday ticket. The NFL Sunday ticket is the exclusive offering on direct TV that gives you every game every week. I realize that I have this so I can watch the Eagles in DC.

And by the way, it's amazing. It's like sports heaven. I can't imagine not having it. I understand. Now the NFL is just a single channel that is also on direct TV and as a free, dude, I understand all of this. Okay. I have cable.

It's not available for me out here. Okay. In order for me to get it, I have to sign up with direct TV and they wanted me to sign like a three year contract with the cable servers that I've never seen before or used. For all I know, they suck. Okay. I was giving them shit. I understand their business.

I have no problem paying for the NFL ticket. I would buy it if it was on cable. All right. But I can't put addition to the side of my fucking building. I can't. My landlord does not allow it. All right. So, and I understand that they have good matchups and they show them on Thursday as a way to entice

me into, uh, into fucking, you know, buying the network. I get it. It's fucking business, but dude, you know, to black out a game on Christmas is a corporate country fucking mood and you're fucking with people's holidays. You know, show me the goddamn game. Take one day off. You know, that's all I was fucking saying. Okay.

I understand the whole concept. I was explaining the NFL network to me. I don't understand that. Oh, really? Did you enjoy watching your fucking Eagles today get pounded by the goddamn Cowboys? Man, what a rough weekend Philly, huh? What a rough month they lose. Cliff Lee, they get trashed by the goddamn Cowboys and, uh, they lose the winter classic

to my Bruins in overtime. But I gotta admit, dude, nobody takes over a stadium like Philly fans. Did anybody watch that? It was the sound like it was a fucking home game for the Flyers. Really disappointed with Bruins fans. But you know what? Tickets were so much it was the fucking rich people there anyways. They're never going to do anything.

But still, I gotta give it up for the fucking Phillies fan, uh, Philadelphia fans. All right. That might be the end of the podcast. What am I, 49 whispering minutes into this thing? Anyways, I don't know. This is my deal. I think when it comes down to that whole God thing, I think that's, it's a personal fucking journey and I'm not working on it at all.

So what I'm really doing is just blowing off church, but I'm never going to go back to church anyways, but I'll, I'll, I'll, I have to, I have to start living by some sort of a fucking code because, uh, because I'm not, you know, and when you become an adult and you don't have parents anymore, I mean, as long as you're not breaking the law, you can pretty much do a lot of scumbag things and no one really calls you on it and, uh, you know, pass it out in the second quarter of a fucking Rose ball. What a loser. What a fucking loser.

Um, anyways, what else do I got here? I just got sort of like fucking, this is like holiday leftovers. This podcast, uh, last week I was talking about, uh, some girl who was too dumb to fuck and somebody really latched onto that. That time I, my buddy was hanging out with that girl who thought the sun and the moon were the same thing. And I was saying like, you ever get with a girl who's so stupid, like you can't have sex with her because it feels like a form of rape.

Ah, fuck. Anyways, this guy said, Hey, Bill, I love the podcast, but never felt compelled to write you until you mentioned the story about the chick who didn't know the moon and the sun were two different stories and too dumb to fuck. You're the first guy I ever heard mention that. I cannot agree with you more. I have a too dumb to fuck story. Okay.

I think we have a new segment here. Um, here we go. This is this guy's story about meeting a girl who was too dumb to fuck. He said, uh, when I got out of college, I was doing the traditional stint in the restaurant serving industry. Uh, there was this smoking hot 19 year old waitress working there that every dude, I just sound like creepy right now because I'm kind of whispering. There was a smoking hot fucking 19 year old waitress and he's creeping up.

There is, um, working, uh, there that every dude and at least one other girl was trying to get a piece of bill. This girl was a legitimate 10. Anyway, we were at a party one night and I was spending all my time with her listening to her talk about all sorts of nonsense, trying to be the nice guy, trying to get some play. Right. You put your time in. So anyways, he said, well, the booze was kicking in and, uh, things were starting to work out.

Uh, we started kissing a bit and things were looking promising, but, uh, I knew it would be some time before I get anywhere worthwhile. I don't know why you would think that dude, you should have closed the fucking deal. Um, he said I was, that's classic. Dude, you know what I would have done? I would have fucked her right there. Um, I was willing to put in the time. All right.

So anyways, a little later in the night, she started talking about a rabbit she had when she was younger and she was upset that her rabbit never laid eggs. Have you ever heard of something so stupid? Have you ever heard something so stupid? You can't believe you heard it correctly. I could not. Oh man, that must have been fucking hilarious because I'm sure there was music playing. I'm sure you did like, like, we're like, what?

And then sort of like put your ear all the way almost inside of her mouth to make sure you fucking heard it right. He goes, I cannot believe my ears. So I questioned her only to have her repeat the claim with even more vigor. I had a rabbit and didn't even lay eggs. My childhood was so difficult. Did you buy me another drink? Um, I shit you not, Bill.

She was dead serious. If that was not bad enough, she argued with me for 15 fucking minutes telling me that rabbits laid eggs and her proof to this was wait. Now he says, wait for it. If rabbits don't lay eggs, then why does the Easter, well, then why does Easter have the Easter bunny and Easter eggs? Wow, this girl really took that Cadbury egg fucking story to heart. From that point on, this girl's 10 status dropped by a half.

I cannot even think about fucking this girl anymore. To this day, she's probably still so good looking that no dude ever told her that she was wrong. So he could just get in her pants and she's probably still tasting rabbit pellets hoping for M&M's. Oh my God. Yeah. Dude, that's, that's a, uh, that's a strong fucking move at your age. Your age, I probably would have still plowed through. I don't, I don't know.

I always had that man. I always had that thing that I did not connect with somebody. I, you know, something I tried to do. What most guys do that basically, you know, fuck anything that moves and then they come back and they tell the horrific story. And I was never able to do that if I, if there was like no connection, like I've just never been able to, uh, oh, that's a bullshit. I got a couple in there.

I got a couple in there. That's right. Oh Jesus. Am I going to tell this? I can't fucking tell this story. Okay. Here we go. You know what?

This is just bills a piece of shit week. Okay. I yell, I, I got, I didn't yell at the old guy. I, you know, the guy, I was, I found, you know what? I'm so upset with how that old guy thing went that I actually feel like I yelled at him and I didn't even yell at him. He was fucking yelling at me. Um, all right.

So I had the old guy incident. I passed out during the second fucking quarter of the granddad even mall. And, uh, okay. Here's this story, uh, early on in my life, my road career, I was like, I don't know. I don't know how, oh Jesus Christ. Oh, they have fat fuck just fell down. I love that one. Football players run into those fat guys.

Who like their job is to hold like that sound thing for the NFL films. Um, you know, they feel that for weeks too. Anyways, um, all right, here's the story. I think it was about 30 years old and, uh, I was doing this club and, uh, I was in this bar and the jello shot girl comes by. You know, the jello shot girl is always like fucking smoking hot. You know, she has to be. She's selling jello.

Do you want to do a jello shot? No, nobody does. They just want to talk to you with your fucking ass and titties. So this girl looked like a fucking Barbie doll. Right. Had a fucking, you know, ass, titties, blonde hair, just fucking gorgeous. Right. So, uh, I don't know what to follow.

Oh, I remember what happened. I did the classic when I had fucking zero game with women. I just invited her out to a show. Yeah, I'm working uncle fuckies down the street. Oh my God. I like how he shows. So anyway, she shows up the next night with a friend, you know, looking even better. And, uh, yada, yada, yada.

Long story short, the end of the fucking night when she showed up with like four other girls, which was automatically a fucking problem. But this girl was like, she was raring to go. I mean, she sat down on my lap within fucking 10 minutes. So I'm trying to get out of there, but her friends keep fucking cockblocking me. It's a long story short. The night ends. We're in a parking garage.

All right. I'm 30. She's like fucking 18, by the way, 19 maybe. So I look like I'm fucking 106. So, uh, all of her friends, wait a minute. She couldn't have been that young because she was serving Jell-O shots. Was she 21? Maybe I was like 32, 33.

I can't remember. It's all fucking run together. Whatever. I was too fucking old to be with this girl. Let's put it that way. So, um, they're fucking, uh, it's the end of the night. Okay. And we're in the parking garage and her friends are telling her to get in the car.

She's like, no, I'm going to, I'm going to fucking go home with this guy. And they go, that's cool. Just come over here and talk for a second. And she walked over to the car and sticks her head in the window. And for, I swear to God, 10 minutes. They're trying to talk her out of not leaving with this creepy older guy. And I'm standing there like an asshole. And I was standing there for so long, I started rooting for the girls in the car.

I'm like, yeah, come on, talk her out of it. She shouldn't be here with me. And of course they fucking didn't. And, uh, you know, and there you go. That's the podcast for the week. I did pour all my booze down the fucking sink, except for the last bottle of scotch. All right. Go fuck yourselves.

What am I a saint? Maybe I do need Jesus. All right. You guys have a great week and I'm saying that jokingly. All right. You fucking maniacs will keep emailing me, trying to get me into G. I'm not into the guy. All right.

Put a fucking shirt on and stop complaining. All right. Your father gave you the fucking ability to walk on water, float off the fucking cross. I didn't ask you to die for me. All right. You fucking martyr. That's it. Everybody have a great goddamn week.

And, uh, that's it. Happy New Year. And I hope you guys all have, uh, something positive.