Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-17

Episode Date: January 6, 2017

Bill rambles about gay-cut tees, sitting on rainbows and doctors without shoes.

Hey, what's going on, hey, oh, what's going on, it's, it's Bill Burr. And this is a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on ya. Just check, oh, I'm eating my balls, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, on the damn stage, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, oh, Freckles is paying the fucking price. He's paying the price, every comedian that has a special coming out, you know, in the next couple of weeks, whenever the fuck they're putting it out.

I believe the rumor, I heard a rumor, banana rammer, oh yeah, when are they going to get back together, huh, fuck. Every year that goes by, everybody was talking about when's Guns N' Roses going to get back together, when's Axel and slash gonna, but what about banana rammer? I heard a rumor they were getting back together for a summer fucking tour, um, I'm paying the price every goddamn, oh, the comedian's out there paying, uh, who have a special coming out is that you just go on stage and you have, you know, you got nothing. You got one little fucking, you got one little pea shooter, and then you got a slingshot,

and uh, fucking whatever, two months earlier, you had a howitzer of a fucking act, and it's the weirdest fucking thing. Just imagine if, uh, whatever, if you're an athlete or something, like every couple of years, you had to relearn not all the mechanics, but you just couldn't hit the jump shot anymore. You had to fucking, yeah, that, that shot was in my repertoire, and I got to relearn how to fucking do this in a, but in a different way. I got to do it, and I got to shoot it with my left hand now, because they already saw me do it with my right hand.

And then the more you fucking do it, the more hours you put out, right? Then you go, when I got to bounce it off my fucking head, because, you know, you can't keep doing the same shit, or everybody's like, uh, more of the same, dude, that reminds me of this thing you did on the other guy with this person, right? You just got to fucking deal with that. So last night, you know, and of course I have to go on after Ian Edwards, I-A-A-N Edwards, who's like, that guy, all he has is a level fucking material just up there murdering. And uh, I went up there with my basic fucking horseshit.

I was in a really fucking dark place. It's funny to be in a dark place and then like, you know, mentally, just like, uh, and then to be talking about the shit that I was talking about. And um, I don't know, but I got to plow through this shit as far as like, uh, I got to get past my anger. And I'm telling you this fucking exercise that I did, that I'm really starting to think my shoulders, how fucked he had put his shoulders up. Remember that bit I used to do?

I think I was stuck in a defensive posture, like shell shocked. There's only so many times you can get slapped in the back of the head by bigger kids before your shoulders are just naturally up. Like you're already beginning to block whatever's coming at your fucking head. And I think I was kind of stuck in that. And um, you know, I was talking to some people about that and it was like, well, you know, there's physical ailments and then there's the emotional fucking trauma of what's going on with your life.

And there's certain people that think they're related. I don't know if you guys are into that, but you look up this stuff, you know, this is like one of these things. When you go to look this up, you completely leave the medical profession in the United States of America. Like you start like the doctors slowly start wearing less and less shoes as you start to go further East with your, your, your looking for medical solutions, you know, if you're looking for a medical solution in the United States of, of the Americas, it's going to

be a guy in wingtip shoes with fucking dark socks, you know, fully clothed, being like, okay, yeah, you got a, uh, your rotator cuff is deep, we need to go in and operate and take the medial cartel, the fucking MCL and all they're going to give you this straight fucking how the body works. We've done an MRI. This is what the fuck is going on with your body. But then as you start to go, you know, you start to step away from that shit, the pharmaceutical companies and all that.

Not saying it's all bad. Not saying it's all bad. When was the last time we had a plague? You know, for as much as the pharmaceutical companies allegedly, allegedly created a heroin epidemic in this country by handing out opiates like Flintstone vitamins to fucking adults. Uh, you know, there's also, you know, but he's, nobody's walking around with scurvy. So that's something, right? I guess no one really walked around with scurvy, Billy.

Had to be on a fucking boat, lost at sea, you know, with no wind in your sails and iron maiden singing, right? The curse it lived on in his hide, um, so, uh, yeah, but the further you go down that rabbit hole, like, uh, the fucking, the longer the hair gets, then there's like, you know, more loose fitting clothes, then it becomes sandals and then just sort of the more, you know, man, even when we start talking like this, and then I get all fucking uncomfortable. Um, I'll look up some, let me hit pause right now, I'm going to look up some shit about like the memories.

Let me, let me see what this fucking doctor looks like are a perfect, perfect fucking perfect. So I looked up memories held in the meeting that came up was in body. So of course wikipedia has something that's just going to be like, you know, the old right there, Fred. So the first thing I scrolled down to that was not wikipedia was tiny Buddha, all right. And I swear to God, it says how to release the painful memories and emotions stored in your body.

Uh, by Jennifer Sterling, of course, now they're going to let a woman do something, right? They're not going to let her in the wing tip world. So the picture you see is some Antonio Banderas looking guy with the, uh, I call it the gay cut T-shirt, you know, you know, the, you know, the V neck T-shirt that the fucking gay guys wear because they're all fucking in crazy shape. You know what I mean? It's not the dad bod cut. It's the gay male fucking cut where they have chest cleavage because they have zero percent

body fat. So the guy's dressed white on white with the gay cut T at yoga pants, no fucking shoes. And he's on the beach, not a hospital to be found. He looks like fucking a good looking Tom Hanks and cast away. If he didn't give a fuck that he was cast away, cast away. Yeah. And he didn't need to talk to a soccer ball because he was so fucking centered and he breathed his way through how the fuck did he become a cast away?

I can't even remember. It must have been his ship sank, right? Or was he flying with Amelia air hut? I don't know. Was it one of those Tarantino movies where he kind of fucks with history? All right. The cure for pain is in the pain says somebody named Rumi and then it says free download Buddha desktop wallpaper.

That kind of kills it. When you have like a Jesus or a Buddha or a Mohammed like wallpaper, you know what I mean? Kind of cheeses it up a little bit. Now you think, okay. It's all right. Let me read it. My best yoga voice.

Your body keeps a physical memory of all your experiences. You have lots of memories stored in your brain that you can account at any given moment. You can call names, faces. Yeah, I get how my fucking brain works, what your fucking sandwich smelled like. But over time, these memories fade or change as time passes as and we mature. However, even when the memory begins to fade from your brain, get to the fucking point. It lives in your body in the form of a physical sensation and behavior patterns. The body doesn't forget.

Now, Jesus, what's your body from Hell's Kitchen? Hey, that was for fucking 20 years ago, you fucking piece of shit, right? Your brain's all forgiving like, Hey man, like, you know, not going to lie. I didn't enjoy it when it happened, but you know, God, I mean, it's a sunny day. Just go out and enjoy it. All right. The events of our lives leave physical imprints in our bodies, especially when we experience trauma or stress and all this shit that caused the body to fight, flee or freeze in order

to cope. This is what I'm saying. I think I was all fucking, I was in a, you know, after you take a couple of fucking right left to the head, you just kind of, you just walk around. I just thought I, you know, I have like fucking 40 years ago, whatever the fuck I was in high school, 40 years ago, was I 18? No, that was 30 years ago. 30 years ago, I was fucking 18.

Yeah, I'm, oh, you knew that phone was going to ring. Oh, you fucking knew it. Who is this? Who the hell is this? I should have put it on pause. Who is this? Hello? Hello?

Ah, for fuck's sake. Can you believe someone would pocket dial me during my podcast? You know what's funny is I don't even know who the fuck that was. I have no idea who the fuck that was. They have no idea who the fuck I am. That's what's always fascinated me about when you just fucking, you just dial a wrong number. I've said this before, right? You dial a number and somebody says hello and you're like, yeah, hey, is Frank there?

And they're like, who? And you're like Frank. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry. They're like, I'm sorry. You have the wrong number. Now I get wrong numbers. Everybody gets wrong numbers. Here's my question to you.

Do you think you've ever accidentally called somebody famous? You know what I mean? Like you just fucking, I don't know. You just dial the wrong number and like Bill Clinton picked up or fucking Obama. We'll throw a Republican in there, George Bush. Hey, is this daddy? Right? He fucking picks up and he has to go through the same shit.

Is you're like, is Frank there? And he's like, ah, you know what I'm saying? There's no Frank here. I love it. And then they read the fucking number T like, you don't know what your number is. Is this blob? No, it isn't. It's why there's no Frank here.

Um, anyways, let me continue on. All right. Well, fuck all this shit. How do I get it out of me? Because my body, it never forgets. It's like fucking Liam Leeson. If you bunch me in the fucking head in seventh grade. Um, wait a minute.

I love that they finally gave Jamie Foxx the fucking Liam Neeson role. He has a movie coming out where it's one of those movies like you fuck with my family. I'm going to fuck and kill you. It's about time. You know, they ran out of young white guys to give that to, and then they just kept going. Oh, like Liam Neeson. I mean, that guy's like, what? Is he like 83?

Did he play like fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi or some shit? Um, all right. The first tool to put your emotional toolkit, the first tool to put in your emotional toolkit. And this is why this is why I've never been able to get through this shit. Because I, well, who's kidding? Because I'm fucked up. But when I start to go down this road of doctors who don't wear shoes, like it's okay. The pictures that they have.

Okay. It says how to set New Year's goals. You'll actually enjoy pursuing. And it's a stick figure sitting on a rainbow staring up at the sun with a big goofy smile on its face. And, uh, I don't know about you guys, but where I came from, that sort of happiness was not allowed. You basically were not allowed to be happy and it was shamed. Fuck off. Oh, no, wait, why am I letting that react?

I, why am I reacting to that? I have the power. I could have, you know, it's funny right before I started this, I was thinking I should go into the settings and I should just turn it off. And I didn't. So I created this situation. Not a dead Steve Jobs, huh? You know, I guess I could get upset with Steve Jobs with how fucking many times that thing rings before it goes to voicemail. But then I imagined that I could actually go into settings and I could determine that.

I just don't have the patience. All right. The first tool. Okay guys, your first tool to put in your emotional toolkit. This is the type of class I would go to with Nia and she would just feel me either starting to get mad or just laughing at the thing. As she being the fucking angel that she is an open fucking channel would be like, okay, what is the first emotional tool? It's because she's a woman. She gets to fucking do that.

Be like, oh my God, let's get some s'mores. They get to be like that. We're not, you know, you don't have a fucking bottle opener. You got to use your teeth. You know, it's just that stupid guy shit. And if you don't know how to fucking do that thing where you bring your beer up to the counter and fucking slam it down, you know, you're somehow less of a man. I like how I'm putting all of my issues onto you guys. All right, let's see.

Here we go. Okay. The first tool to put in your emotional toolbox. Non-judgment. Fuck. I mean, there goes my standup career. I mean, my entire fucking life is judging people. All right.

When you feel emotionally triggered and tempted to turn to food or other addictive behaviors for comfort, I'm not a, well, maybe I am a drunk. Try not to judge the reaction. Our bodies are programmed to seek pleasure, not discomfort. So it's natural to try and find something to soothe the pain and make yourself feel better. The need to soothe yourself with food. I'm not a fat fuck or other means doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Oh God.

This is just so gross. The second tool, permission. The third tool, release. I can't even read this. The fourth tool, forgiveness. Finally time. Oh my God. I'm in the wrong website.

Jennifer Sterling is an emotional eating coach. Well, what the fuck is this? I'm at the wrong website. She helps women stop eating their feelings and release the physical and mental emotional weight that keeps them from feeling the absolute best. Download the cravings decoder guide and uncover the hidden emotional meeting behind your food cravings. I don't want to be a fucking negative person, but doesn't that sound a little fucking generic? I was craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Okay.

What that means is this. All right. Where do you store your emotions? All right. Now this person has a PhD, so imagine that they're going to be wearing more clothes. They don't even have a picture. It may surprise you that emotions are not the sole product of your brain, but are expiry. It might be surprised you.

This isn't going to say the same shit as the last website. And these emotions can be triggered through your body, work, meditation, breathing, blah, blah, blah, blah, use one half. All right. You know, evidently, I'm never going to get cured because I can't get through this shit. Well, certainly not while doing a fucking podcast, you're moron. Why did you just call yourself a moron there? Is that, is that really what you thought? Or is that what people told you when you were younger?

That's the type of shit where you just want to grab the person by their ankles and drag them out of their chair and then just walk out of the room. You still owe me for that session. Jesus Christ, I'm up against it, dude. Is this what it's like to become a parent? You just suddenly become hyper aware of how unqualified you are and what a fucking moron you are. Like someone's going to be looking at me like I have questions. Hey, I'm going to be talking to my kid like, hey, join the club. You think any of this shit makes sense to me?

At least you're a kid. You can have the comfort of, of, of it's okay that you don't know shit. Where do you get to be my age and you don't have an excuse? You know, and there's that fucking, whatever the fuck is in the Michael Ray Richardson, Tyson, Sicily to whatever the fucking name is. I forget what his name is again. Like fucking the guy who looks like the cop on the black cop on Barty Miller, who fucking knows about black holes in the universe and is a fine wine connoisseur. You know, that's the kind of person you need as a dad. That guy, that guy's got fucking answers.

You know, I was reading a thing on him. I got it. I could never remember this guy's fucking name. His last name is Tyson. DeGrasse Tyson. Tyson scientist. Tyson science. We'll go with that.

That's going to be my Tyson's footwork. Neil DeGrasse Tyson. This is why he's the shit. Because not only is he unbelievably intelligent and he knows that we came from trees or some shit, whatever the fuck he was saying. You know, thank God I don't do heavy drugs when I watch that guy's show. All right. He also was talking about how he's into wine and he was talking about how when you'd, whatever, you finish a bottle of wine, you fill it up with water or you go to, you know, and you're pouring it out. It does that glub, glub, glub thing.

He was just going, what you do is you just turn the bottle. As you turn the bottle, it causes a swirling effect. And basically because it's swirling down, then there's that hole in the middle. Let's the air go in. So as, as the liquids coming out and the air can freely flow in. To take up the space that the liquid once had and it just flows right out. Plus it looks, it looks fucking cool as you do it. So the next time you pour a big fucking glass of wine for some real housewife, you know, get you can't wait to hold her bow talk face in your hands.

You know, you don't want to fuck it up by glub, glub, glubbing it into a giant glass because it might go all over her fucking dress that she's going to wear once, you know. Hey, look, you know, that's what I get out of Neil deGrasse Tyson. I watched that show and I'm like, God damn it, you know, as much as this guy just told me where we came from in the universe, millions of years ago or whatever, thousands. I don't know. You know, go back to Jesus. That was only what a couple of thousand years ago as much as he's teaching me about that. He's also on the side showing me how to bang a real housewife anyways. So I've continued to get rid of shit and I'm still in my office.

That's how much shit I had. I had two closets and everything in my room and I fucking I've gotten rid of everything. And I might even do another pass because I have to tell you, I fucking walk in there now and I'm relaxed. I had no idea that when you walk in and there's a ton of shit, the level of stress that was bringing me up fucking relaxed. I'm like, there's my drum kit. There's my guitar. There's where I keep my pens, you know, get it out of here. Anything that's coming in the house, get it the fuck out of here.

So then yesterday, of course, you know, you know, women are, you know, you know, they are. I mean, if they're not fucking, you know, watching a real housewife show, if they're not eating something, they're on Amazon buying something. They just, they fucking consume shit. So, you know, it's been the holidays. So we've had a bunch of boxes, people sending us stuff, we're sending them shit and by my front door every day, there's these fucking boxes. Okay. So what I always do is I take our fucking address off it, I put it through the paper, right? Then I cut the boxes up and then I take them over this fucking place that, you know, one of those mailboxes separate places, you know, and I say, go, here's some free fucking boxes.

They take it. I don't know if they throw it out like goodwill, but I feel like I made the fucking effort. You know, but I can't fucking keep the goddamn door clean. And I cut up like fucking 20 of these goddamn boxes. You know, dude, you wait till you have a fucking baby. Everybody sends you shit. Everybody's sending you shit, socks, shoes, swings, all of this shit. And it's just like, I just love the amount of socks that they send you.

It's like, it's not going to be able to walk for like the first fucking, I don't know, six months. What does it need socks for? What do you get me, a hand glider? I mean, just that doesn't even make any fucking sense. I know you, the baby's got to keep its feet warm, but does it have to have one pair of socks for every fucking day of its six month life? You know, and then what? You got all these little socks? It's going to grow out of them and like fucking tense out.

You see, what level of a cunt would you have to be to look at the cutest thing ever little baby socks? And it still makes you upset. See what I'm saying? I'll tell you freckles need some help here. All right, let's get to some of the, let's get to some of the announcements. Oh, by the way, everybody, I keep forgetting to promote this. The Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. I still have a nice photo on the wall.

Somebody did this great painting of him, the perfect size and all that. That I will never get rid of. Now, having said that, I don't need any more. All right, Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. This is the fifth annual one at the New York city center. All right, we're going to post the link and all of that. There's a 2000 cedar. We got a couple hundred seats left and it's a great way to start your year and it's one of my favorite shows of the year.

Just getting to see all of the, just all my friends and now it's becoming like newer guys that were influenced by Patrice. And they come and they talk about, you know, the amazing comic that he was. And I got to tell you, that will never not be in the back of my head because I love the guy to death. But it's also like whenever someone will come up to me and give me a high compliment, you know, as far as where I am in the comedy world right now as a standup comedian. I always think that's because Patrice isn't here right now in Mitch Hedberg and Geraldo and all these other monsters that we lost. So this is an incredible benefit and it, you know, through the money that we've raised, his mother's been able to get a condominium and she's living great. She doesn't have to worry about anything, you know, you know, the only thing, you know, and that's really a belief of mine that when somebody passes and their family members are, you know, the only thing they should have to deal with is the grief of it, which unfortunately you never totally get passed.

But they shouldn't also have to deal with all this other stuff, which is why we continue to do the benefit. Because I always hated when I was coming up when there was an unexpected death and the person had a family and all of that type of shit. You know, it's like you do one benefit and it's like, okay, here's your bag of loot, you know, try to make this last for the next 20, 30, 40, 50 fucking years. I don't know. So that's why we continue to do it. Plus, it keeps the memory of him alive and all of his comedy out there. That is the hope anyways. Okay, so. Now on to the advertising, the black tux.com. All right, looking great for a wedding or special event has never been easier with black tux.com with high quality rental suits and tuxedos. Why is this itchy delivered to your doorstep?

The black tux is giving guys a new way to rent and get this, the black tux offers free home try-ons, try-ons so you can see the fit and feel the quality of your suit months before your event. Dude, these fucking companies, man, this is like, you're not going to have to leave your house anymore. You can get food sent to your house, wine sent to your house and a fucking tuxedo. You know, and God knows, whores have always been willing to come to your fucking, there's your evening right there. This is the, this is the final, this is the final piece of the puzzle. Like you're putting together a championship team. All you were missing was the fucking tuxedo. You go to Blue Apron to get your fucking food, right?

You go to fucking Loot Crate to get your t-shirt that you're going to wear underneath all the bullshit. You go to fucking something at me undies, right? To get your sexy Greg Luganis on, right? And then you got the fucking Roger Moore, right? Sean Connery tux. How do you, how do you do this? It's the best part. It's just done completely online. No trips to the tuxedo shop required.

The black tux. Oh, that's the worst when you go to the tuxedo shop. There's always that guy who's been there for like forever. And he's got that fucking tape measure around his fucking neck, whatever the fuck you call that thing. You know, the, you know, those people don't clean their ears to the point that everything just turns black in there. Looks like somebody lit a firecracker off in both their fucking ears. Sorry. The black tux.com lets you create your look or choose from tons of styles selected outfits starting at just $95. These suits have a modern fit and are made from the Italian fine Italian wool, the highest quality on the rental market.

You're going to buy a fucking wool suit. Okay. And if you have any questions or issues there expert, yeah, why is this itchy? It's got to be some new kind of wolf like man at a modal or something. And if you have any questions or issues, their expert customer care has your back every step of the way. After ordering, your suit will arrive 14 days before your event. Why don't I pay attention to commas? After ordering comma, your suit will arrive 14 days before your event.

That's a full two weeks to try it on and make sure everything fits. If anything is less than perfect, the black tux will send you a free replacement right away. When your event's over, just drop your rental back in the mail. Shipping is free. Both ways. How easy is that to get started? Now visit the black tux.com slash burr B U R R and experience a new way to rent the black tux.com slash burr. All right.

See so see so fuck you man. All right. See so is the place for comedy. They won't tell you how amazing they are, but I will see so is amazing. See, so I just feel like, you know, it wasn't my fault. Anybody says see so is, I don't know. They don't take responsibility for their actions, but see so anybody does that is it's going to see some amazing content. See that it's comedy for nerds by comedy nerds.

See so spelled S E E S O Sierra Echo Echo Sierra Oscar is the new ad free streaming service bringing you a hilarious original series handpicked classics weeks of stand up specials and more bingeable comedy anytime anywhere see so every episode of SNL ever including new episodes the day after they air the tonight show starring Jimmy Fallon late night with Seth fucking my is the day after it airs and even they even have classics like 30 rocks 30 rocks sorry parks and recreation and Saved by the Belf 30 rocks is a documentary on crack cocaine sorry even British comedies like the original office with Ricky Gervais he's got a beer he's out of control. The entire money Python catalog the it crowd and Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge discovered the big names and comedy and watch the icons before they made it big like Louis CK when he had hair. There was no reason to do that. You know. Fuck you like the original you when you had a life. Chelsea Paredi Amy fucking Schumer.

Bo Burnham and so many more critically acclaimed originals and exclusive content like Harmon Quest created by comedian Dan Harmon and funny as hell a variety show featuring such comedians as Jim Jeffries and Hannibal Burris if you're serious about comedy you got to try see so streaming anytime anywhere on any virtual devices it mirrors this ad way too fucking long see so is ad free just 399 per month that's less than what you paid for a latte or an artisan cold brew coffee you're holding right now you bearded cunt. And right now my listeners can try see so for free for two months when you use the promo code bird to check it out shows you can't get anywhere else from critically acclaimed original series to all 40 plus years of SNL that's why I'm getting it right there. See so is the only original play the only place that offers every episode every made and new episodes the day after the air just go to see so dot com right now to sign up for two months for free with the promo code bird and check out that see so dot com promo code bird check it out. Check it out. You can do it for fucking free. Oh look who's here. Our four old friends but oh boo boo me on these me on these doctors who don't wear shoes boo doot doot doot me on these me on these Ricky Gervais drinks brew when he fucking hosts the Golden Globes. How do his balls fill nobody knows but if he had on me on these his voice would even be higher when he made fucking milk a fun of fucking Mel Gibson. Oh yeah. All right me on these picture a world where putting on a new pair of underwear isn't just fresh. That's fucking gross.

You know I mean as opposed to what day old balls hanging in the things you're stepping into a better day think about it underwear is the first thing you put on the last thing you take off unless you're Matthew McConaughey. Why would you settle for anything less than the best feeling underwear on the planet. Please include all of the falling point. I always include them. If you write it I will read it. If you build it they will come me on these focuses solely on producing the most comfortable underwear you've ever experienced. He's just what is going on with other people's underwear. It's it's attacking my ass crack over here. My undies my friends at me on these. We're not friends. I never met these fucking people sent me a few pairs a while back and now I can't imagine wearing anything else. Of course I can. OK. I'm a very fluid person. All right. If I don't have me on these I'll wear my Hanse's all my frugal loomsies. It's really easy. It's really makes each day that much better for the price of two cocktails. Well you know. Two cocktails. Home pours we talking around at a fucking bar. Me on these will deliver your new pair of favorite underwear right to your doorstep. Better day guarantee you try them on if they're not the most comfortable best feeling fucking underwear you've ever had. They'll refund you and let you keep your first pair for free.

Included in the price is the sweet touch of modal creepy a special fabric made with the best in class raw materials that are scientifically proven to be three times softer than cotton scientifically proven by what the scientists that you hired that are on your payroll. Maybe it's only two and a half times. Who knows. I'll let my balls be the judge of that. Your uber cozy underwear undies are sold exclusively on me on these website. Well you'll enjoy free shipping in the U.S. and Canada for a limited time. Everyone in my audience gets 20% off. They're not cradlers. I also make up for women too. But you have to go to our special URL me on these dot com slash burr with the me on these better day guarantee you have nothing to lose. So don't wait any longer. Go to me on these dot com slash burr right now 20% off your order. That's me on the dot com slash burr no longer will your balls fall out the side of your underwear with this snug fit. And if they do beyond these will I don't know what they'll do. But all I know is it's going to be the sweetest softest ball roll to the left or the right depending on where your junk is that you ever felt in your life.

Before it starts its free fall down to your fucking kneecap. All right that was disgusting bill was disgusting. It wasn't socially redeemable and I don't think anybody became a better person listening to it. All right so is that the podcast. That is the podcast. Now when I get off the podcast I'm going to go look at these barefoot doctors. You know I can't fucking believe that you know the misrepresented that fucking site you know they have some guys sitting there right with the gay cut T shirt and I'm sitting there thinking like all right this is going to be for angry fuckos like me. And it's for a bunch of women who every time their boyfriend says hey you know I don't feel like getting going to see that movie tonight rather stay in they go they go and they eat a fucking death by chocolate fucking thing. I don't know. I don't even want to complain about anymore. I really don't. I'm just freaking out because I got a kid coming I would just like the kid to show up already so I can get on with that part of my life. This is what this is literally what it's like sometimes this reminds me obviously to a much emotionally heightened state than this but I always remember when I would be standing the side of the stage and it was just a fucking brutal crowd. And I knew that they were going to scream and yell the entire fucking show and it was just going to be 45 minutes of pure fucking hell.

I always remember just the worst part was not going out there it was waiting. The second I got out there I didn't give a shit because it's just like every second I'm out here is one less is I am a second closer to this fucking being over it's like doing cardio getting on the fucking thing and doing it is not a fucking problem. It's it's the stretching beforehand you know putting on the workout clothes dragging your ass over the machine the second you get on the thing I'm literally 30 seconds into it you're listening to your tunes you're having a good fucking time. Everything is fucking great it's it's the getting it's the getting there at least for me. And you know what I think that that's you know something that we can all relate to. Is it I don't fucking know anyways I start to watch the Celtics last night against Utah. I got to watch that one because I think the Bruins are playing today and I'm trying to do this I'm going to watch every Bruins in every Celtic game that I possibly can. It's fun I gotta tell you something I never realized because I haven't watched it so long when you watch NBA hoop it's so easy to start to get to know your team because they got a starting five.

You know what I mean Patriots you got 11 guys on offense 11 guys on defense basketball has five five starters that play they start both ways offense and defense run down the fucking court now you on defense you know. I guess the Bruins just have a starting line and they're starting to defense man that's five and they got a goalie but think about what I mean I don't you know I mean fucking players are on a hockey team. How fucked up is that all these years of watching I don't like football there's like 41 42 people you know. Of which if you know like 10 of them you kind of know your fucking team what do you guys think I'm going to say there's like 25 guys. Well let's see there's four fucking lines four lines three guys in a line that's 12 you got to go tenders that's 14. And then you got like what eight defense man. Something like that six to eight. Yeah I'm gonna say about 25 and then you got like the guys who don't get in the game.

You know with the with the whose hockey stuff doesn't smell at all at least their practice stuff probably smells I'm sure how many players on a hockey team. I'm gonna say 25. Under the NHL rules each team is allowed to have up to 18 players with additional two goalkeepers for a total of 20. That's it. Well there's really no excuse for me not knowing that's only 20 players right. That's when you're on a crazy level of a sports fan is if you can name all fucking 20 players on your hockey team and all what 11 guys on the basketball team. Just speak for the simple fact that they fucking overlap I would say. And by the way my wife taped these sports jeopardies that were hosted by Dan Patrick by judging by some of the questions it was a little dated.

But I was like finally a jeopardy I'm going to do well on and I still got my fucking ass kicked because it was fucking hard shit. Like who is the old like they had like bankrupt teams teams that went bankrupt you had to know the owner's name. If you know the owner's name it's like you're watching fucking sports talk radio and all of that shit give me a fucking break what's wrong with you. You know I'll tell you right now our special team fucking coach you get to that level. You know what I'm just babbling here I don't have fucking time to do this all I was doing was checking in on you and that that's that's the podcast have a great weekend your cunts. And no no no no why am I why you know what why do I say that you know I fucking say that because I'm defensive. If I actually said something nice to you what are you a fucking softy right then my shoulders start coming up. I hope you guys have a wonderful rest of your week I can't do this I can't fucking do this have a great weekend your fucking cunts.

All right I say that in the most loving way possible all right did that make you uncomfortable good welcome to my fucking world. And here let's do a little bit of music and then afterwards we'll play some clips from a podcast gone by Thursday. Maybe on a Monday who knows all right go fuck yourselves we'll talk to you on Monday. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast the first one for 2009 so I want to take some time to wish everybody. Sorry I tried I tried to I tried to come out nice I tried to start it by being I can't do it I just can't say something nice why can't I just start my podcast to be like hey happy new year everybody. I hope you had a nice Christmas you know even though I feel that I can't get myself to say it. I have to mock it I have to say happy new year in a silly voice. You know I can't just feel like hey happy happy new I can't do it.

Happy new year. You know that doesn't sound happy or sad or angry it just sounds like I'm reading it off the cue card. Let me try to give it the feeling it deserves. Hey let me try again. Oh I got a phone call hang on one second hang on a while hang on one second hello. Hey Dan what's going on man. I'm actually I'm finishing up a podcast can I can I call you right back and like a beautiful I do. Yeah okay that's the fucking tax man.

That's a goddamn tax man every fucking year I think hey I actually got ahead a little bit and then what do they do they come out and they just fucking. I make the perfect amount of fucking money in this country. You know what I mean I'm not rich enough to fucking afford somebody to tell the IRS to go fuck themselves and I'm not broke so. I'm the fucking you know what I am when you watch the Discovery Channel you know that that fucking. Gazelle that's walking with a limp that's what I am the fucking lines their ears perk up and they try to separate me from the fucking herd. That's who I am when the tax man comes around goddamn fucking assholes. All right sorry you know potholes all up and down my fucking street you know what I mean. Why don't I pay you when I screw down a fucking Home Depot and buy some goddamn tar and I'll fall can you buy tar at Home Depot.

I'm sure you can but God knows there's nobody there to help you find it. Huh. 50,000 fucking square foot store with 200 foot sealants and they got like three people with aprons walking around. You ask them any question they don't know where the fuck I mean the plumbing section. Shut up. Just go hang yourself with your apron. No don't you're not you're not the problem. You're not the problem you're the poor worker sorry about that.

You know what they actually they got those automated they got those automated cashiers out here at the grocery store. And you know I get out and there's a whole bunch of people just lining up lining up to help the corporations fire other Americans. I swear to God if you're one of my podcast members and you go to the grocery store and you can you stand in that automated line I want you to delete yourself as one of my friends. Today I have a zero fucking tolerance for that shit. It's unbelievable how stupid people are. I love how they have like the one employee where his job is literally to stand there and teach you how to basically do his job so that they can then fire you. And I know what the corporation is going to do they have it's going to help cut costs on food. Really.

You got eight people there making eight dollars an hour. That's 64 bucks an hour. A thousand people in here buying cornflakes. What do I say half a cent on my fruity pebbles. You fucking cunts. There was the first cunt of 2009 right there. People stand in line. Help keep a fellow American at work.

Huh. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Dude I'm not even joking. Don't do that. Don't do that shit these fucking parking structures with their pay stations. Now I have to be the parking attendant. I don't work here. I gotta be for free.

I gotta do this for fucking free and put another guy out of work who now is walking around trying to find a job. Bro I know he's gonna start writing jokes. You know. Don't do that shit. Don't. Don't. Okay. You know me.

Actually you don't know me. You think you know me because you're listening to me every Monday but I'm gonna tell you something about myself. I don't give a fuck what you do. One time where I'm gonna get up on my goddamn soapbox. Okay. Which is really difficult for me because I got a big head and my equilibrium starts to fuck with me when I stand up on soapboxes. Which is why I don't preach. But I'm gonna preach on this one.

Do not do that. Go to the grocery store. Stand in line. Okay. Let that mother of three keep her job. Okay. Or that that fucking convicted drunk driver who's trying to put his life back together again. Let them keep their jobs.

Do not stand and learn how to do. You're gonna do their job for fucking free and it's not quicker. And in the future you're gonna actually have to fucking stand there and you know. What happens when you need a price check on a fucking cantaloupe. You have to go do it. I don't. I just fucking blows my mind. We're already pumping our gas.

Our own gas people. When's it gonna stop? Huh? Okay. I had a hell of a week. All right. Actually, you know what? I want to know how you guys feel about that stuff.

Am I, you know, do you feel like I have a really good point there? Because I feel I do. All my, you know, if I was living in the 1800s, would I be the guy going stop churning butter? No, keep churning butter. Don't let them do this for, no, but that's not even a fair example. Because it's not like there was a, maybe there was a bunch of butter churners. If they could somehow come up with automated butter butter churning. You know what?

I really paid myself into a corner with that reference. I really had nothing there. All right. But I still think I made a good point there. All right. Let's talk about my week. I had a fucking insane week and I went to the Rose Bowl with a fellow comedian and I'm not going to name his name.

Usually I'll do that. Maybe give somebody, you know, bump up their friends or that type of stuff, which I'd love to do for this guy. But our behavior was so colorful. That's the word I'll use that, you know, just in case. You know what I mean? I'm old school. I don't name names when I start talking about semi-crimes that I committed.

Not really committing. Well, I guess being drunk in public is a crime. Bill, why don't you shut the fuck up and get to the story and we'll all be the judge. Fine. Fine. Look at you guys with all the tension beginning of 2009. You know? I think you guys be more relaxed this year.

You know? Things don't be fine at 2009, baby. I love how they got a rhyme, you know? Just make it rhyme and then that doesn't supposed to feel good, you know? And I'm not supposed to notice that last year it was things are going to be great in 2008 and now you've knocked it down. Now it's things are going to be fine. Things are going to be great.

They're going to be fine. You know? Don't freak out in 2010. Ooh, do they combine this with Canada in 2011? Why am I fucking checking myself out at a grocery store and I'm not getting paid for it? Okay. So anyways, I go to the Rose Bowl with a comedian. We're just going to call him Joe.

All right? Because that's the classic alias name. When you don't want to get somebody in trouble, you just call them Joe. But the ironic thing is this guy's name is actually Joe. So me and Joe, we go to the fellow comedian and you can try to figure out who the fuck he is. And it's not fiscopo. We go to the Rose Bowl and we had great intentions. Okay?

Let me paint a picture for you. Okay? When you go to the Rose Bowl, it's one of the great tailgating experiences you'll ever have. First of all, you go into the Rose Bowl. Okay? The granddaddy of them all. Home of a bunch of Super Bowls. The Super Bowls are polluted.

That Super Bowl, if you see that famous Lynn Swan catch, that wasn't made there. I actually realized that was made at Temple University, wasn't it? I don't fucking know. There's been a... Oh, no, I know. The Jackie Slater one, where he dropped the ball. That's right. That Cowboy Steelers one.

The greatest fucking, I don't know, clash of two powerhouse teams I ever saw was the... I don't know. Whatever. They played a bunch of fucking things there and I don't have the information in front of me and I'm really killing the momentum of the story. So anyways, you go there, right? And you get... Right behind the Rose Bowl is what I'm assuming is an 18-hole golf course.

Because God knows that's how big it felt at the end of the game when I was too shit-faced and we couldn't find the car and we walked for four hours. But that's... I'm getting ahead of myself. You know what? I'm foreshadowing. I'm doing what all great movies do. You know what I mean?

You go see a movie. Whenever they show a movie about a guy who dies, everybody knows he's going to die. So they show him dying in the beginning. And then the next scene is they go back to his childhood. You know what I mean? Except they never do that with the Elvis movie because then they have to start the movie with some fat fuck dying on a toilet and no one wants to do that. I just want to be...

Is that my pancreas? Plop. Anyways, so... Jesus Christ, let's get some momentum here. So we fucking... We go to this tailgate. All right? And this is the deal.

Basically, there's just two of us and amongst us, we have four hamburger patties, two bags of chips, hamburger buns, 12 pack of Bud Light, 12 pack of Budweiser, and a Clint Eastwood canteen size of fucking Crown Royal and two Cuban cigars that I snuck back from fucking Canada. So we're ready to go. I got my sunblock.

We load it up into the Prius, which is just fucking hilarious. You know, everybody tries to outman people at the tailgates, people coming up there with their fucking four door pickups with the lift kits. You know, they're generators. It's got a fucking satellite dish and a flat screen TV. You know, I came there with a little hibachi, but whatever.

It's a great thing of Crown Royal, so people and Cuban cigars, so no one fucked with us, right? So we're having a great time. All of a sudden, this lady comes walking by, and she's like, hey, do you want to buy a little ticket holder for your ticket? I'm like, absolutely sweetheart. Ten bucks a whack. Let me get that two times there, baby.

You know, you get a cigar in your mouth. You start getting a little swagger. For some reason, one of your legs starts rocking back and forth. Like you're going to sing an album song. I was feeling it. The other thing was I didn't give a fuck about either team, USC or Penn State. I was just happy to fucking be there. You know, but I quickly realized most people were for the Trojans,

so automatically I'm a second cunt of the year. I'm like, you know what, I'm going to root for Penn State because this gives me way more chance to annoy people. Plus, I've never liked USC. And most of it has to do with back in the day. I used to be a Notre Dame fan before Lou Holtz with their Holier than thou. We don't do steroids. Shut the fuck up.

Yes, you do. All right? I had acne when I was fucking a teenager, right? But it wasn't all over my back. And I also couldn't pick up a house. Okay? So you fucking people are doing steroids. Anyways.

And also I always hated the Trojans fight song. They play it every three seconds. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. You know, they gain like half a yard. And it also reminds me of Fleetwood Mac who I never liked. So fuck the Trojans, right? So anyway, so we're sitting there. We're drinking.

We're eating burgers. And then we break out the Crown Royal after we had polished off a good half a case between the two of us. It's probably 9.30 in the morning. And we just start pounding this Crown Royal, which is going down like fucking Kool-Aid. I was really impressed with my ability. Or at least the makers of Crown Royal. That is some smooth shit.

So basically we start walking towards the stadium and the alcohol flowing through me. And that's when I go into my transformation. I don't know what happens to me at sporting events, but instantly I just become the loud guy. I feel like I'm doing a comedy show. I want to make the people around me laugh. And I also want to irritate as many fucking people as I can. So I start walking in there and I quickly notice. Oh, I know.

I went to go buy a program. I'm trying to put this all back together because I was pretty drunk. Just to give you an idea of the mood that I was in, I get to about 100 yards from the stadium, this lady selling programs. And she's like, hey, get your programs here. Come on, get your programs. And I'm like, all right, fuck it. I want a souvenir.

So I walk up and I'm like, how much are they? She's like 10 bucks. I'm like, all right, fine. So this other guy comes walking up because how much for the programs? And the lady's like 10 bucks. All right? And the guy starts, bitch it. You're gonna be kidding me, right?

So I'm standing there. I got a Cuban cigar. I go, you know what? Let me get another one. Two times. Let me get two of those. All right? One for you over there.

And the guy's like, really? I go, hey, I go, take a look at me. I go, you know what you're looking at? You're looking at a big shot. Take a good look. There's not a lot of us left. I swear to God, I said that and I was so drunk. I was only half joking.

Like I knew I was being an asshole, but like I was only half joking. I had a fucking Cuban cigar. Go fuck yourself. I'm a big shot. Let's get a program for this fag over here who's bitching about 10. Who goes through a Rose Bowl and bitches about a $10 fucking program? You know what I mean? He should have been deep pants and he should have his tickets removed right there and sent

right back to wherever the fucking key came from. Send to an Applebee's. Watch the game there. All right? Kind of fucking behaviors out of the granddaddy of them all. Take your fucking money out and play the goddamn game. All right? So anyway, so I'm hammocked, right?

And we're fucking, we're walking and I don't know what happened. We got into the stadium. Everything was cool. Then they have this weird sort of like they funnel you in because it's a really old stadium. It's like, you know, it's like trying to go through the Lincoln tunnel like five o'clock at night. It's a pain in the ass. So I'm standing there.

Because it's getting close to kickoff and I hate missing kickoff. So I'm getting pissed. And I noticed that the Penn State fans, they got this chant where one of them, I don't know where it just yells, we are. And then all the Penn State fans go, Penn State. And then the dude yells again, we are. And they all go, Penn State. They say it like five times.

And then the end, the guy who starts the chant goes, thank you. And then everybody screams, you're welcome. And I immediately noticed that it annoyed the shit out of all these USC fans, you know, because they kind of felt like it was a home game because they were out there. So next thing you know, I didn't even think it. Next thing you know, coming out of my mouth, I'm going, we are. I'm not from Penn State. I don't know shit, right?

But I just said, we are. And everybody starts going, Penn State. We are Penn State. And I'm like, thank you. And they're like, you're welcome. This is fucking awesome. I can do this the whole game and annoy the shit out of people around me. So, like, it took us 20 minutes, 20 minutes to get through the tunnel.

And I swear to God, it was like perfect timing. Right as we got through the tunnel, this chick is finishing singing the national anthem as we just take in the Rose Bowl on a sunny California day. Everybody's wearing their Trojan colors. Everybody's wearing their Penn State. There's pom-poms. People are going fucking nuts. And this lady's like, and the home of the brave.

And right as she finished, a fucking stealth bomber flies right over the goddamn top. I'm shit-faced. It's like a fucking acid trip. I almost passed out, right? So now, you know, we got end zone seats. You know, evidently, I'm not a big shot. And we're way at the top of the stadium, which is a really rough thing to negotiate when you're a redhead drinking whiskey in the sun, right?

So we get all the way up to, like, row whatever, fucking triple F. And, you know, it's an old stadium, okay? And, you know, back in the day, like, you were tall if you were, like, five foot six when the stadium was built. And now, you know, with fucking growth hormones and all the preservatives in the food, we basically outgrown the stadiums, not to mention the cheesecake factories that have these fucking people go to every other day. So I'm trying to walk a tightrope down.

I'm really acting this out on my bedroom, by the way. This is how into these stories I get to tell. So I'm really walking a fucking tightrope, trying to get down to my seat, and I just become that guy. I fell. I didn't fall. I sort of, like, like, lift. It was almost like I was the only guy in a ship that was in a fucking perfect storm.

And all of a sudden, the whole thing just lifted to the right side, and I landed on this, like, 55-year-old lady's back. Didn't like land. Like, I was on one foot, and I put a nice forearm, a little off-Samuelson in front of the net fucking action, right on her back. And I was so drunk, it took me, I swear to God, at least 28 seconds to get off her in the entire time. I am apologizing with my fucking cigar whiskey breath.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I just couldn't get off her, because the only way to get off her was to put all my weight on my forearm and use her as a banister to push me back up, because nobody's fucking helping me, because I'm obviously the drunk guy. You don't want to touch me, so 28 seconds to try to figure out

the quad strength to pull myself up without pushing off the back of this old lady's neck. I finally just say, fuck it, and just drive the meat of my forearm right between her shoulder blades. And I get up, and I apologize profusely. And I don't know what Joe was doing at this point. He was fucking probably just standing there watching the game. But basically, we finally get to our seats. It was unreal. We got to our seats, and we turn around, we face the game to watch the game.

And next thing you know, this lady is just screaming at us. She's like, hey, wow, wow, wow, wow, screaming. And she's yelling, you can't smoke in here. And I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? Because I put my cigar out. I'm going to tell you, dude, the fucking Cuban is sweet, too, man. I smoke that thing all the way down like a goddamn roach. It's like burning my fucking fingers.

And she's yelling, stop smoking. I'm like, the fuck is she talking about? I take a cigar, and I look to my right. And Joe is standing there with the fucking Cuban cigar still lit in his mouth. I don't know how the fuck he got it past security. I think it's because we had our tickets, those ticket things I bought around our neck. I don't know if he had it down by his side, but he's sitting there chomping on it like fucking Archie Bunker. So, you know, in defense of me, if she just turned around and she had just said, hey guys,

you know, I don't know if you know, but there's no smoking in here. Yeah, I would have been, you know, I'm a happy drunk. I swear to God. I'm angry when I'm sober, but I swear to God, I'm a happy drunk. I just would have been like, hey, sorry about that. We didn't know. Oh, wait for USC. All right, good luck.

Bah, ha, ha, whatever. I would have kept it at that. But she fucking was yelling at us. So, I don't like being yelled at, and I like being, I like fucking with people and I'm shit-faced. And Joe is of the same ilk. And then that's when it all started. She just, she's like, hey, she goes, there's no smoking in here. And then immediately I just go and I just go, I'm just like, hey, says who?

She goes to California. You're not allowed to smoke indoors. We're like, we're outside. And she goes, you're not allowed to smoke here. And I go, you're not my mother. This isn't our section. This isn't your section. Turn around, right?

I just kept being an asshole. And then finally she goes, I'm going to call security. And I'm like, call them. She goes, I'm going to call them. I go, go ahead and call them. And then in my head, my brain is going, Bill, shut up. Shut up. You're going to get, we're 90 seconds into the game.

You're going to get kicked out. And I just couldn't stop myself. I just kept saying, call them, call them. And then, then she made some sort of comment. I think about the size of Joe's nose. And then he said, hey, he goes, you need to lose 100 pounds to talk to me, bitch. That's what I got. He said that.

And then this guy that'll left of us turns around and he's like, hey, I got my kid here. I got my kid here. What are you cursing? And then Joe goes, well, then don't bring him to a fucking football game. So now I'm doing that last, you know, that last way, like your mouth is wide open, but there's no air coming in or out. I'm having the time of my life. And then the fucking guy goes, he goes, I'm going to call security.

And then I'm just, then at once again, I'm going, call them. I'm going to call them. Go ahead and call them. I was just calling that bluff because we was so fucking jam-packed. And I knew they weren't going to walk down there and go do that. So that lady makes another fucking comment at which point Joe makes another comment about her weight. And then she just turns down and is like, Mark, and yells down to her husband. And the next thing you know, this fucking dude comes running over and he starts screaming at us.

And he's screaming at us. This spray is coming out of his mouth all over his wife. So he's yelling, I was just going, sir, sir, you're spitting on your wife. And once, you know, the whole thing was pathetic. He was like 53, but like, and I'm 40. And I'm thinking like, I'm not too old to fight this guy. You know, it was just, God, I'm trying to piece this together. And then we all sit down, right?

So we sit down. I think Joe had put out the cigar. Maybe he was just holding it down. I don't know what was going on. But now by this time, we had already missed the kickoff. The Trojans get the ball. And I think this is basically the one good play Penn State made all day. Trojans, their first play, I think offense, they handed off the ball and they tried to do like some sort of sweep.

The Penn State defense strung it out and just stuck this guy either for no gain or for like lots of one yard. And then Joe, well, I forgot to mention is a good six foot four. Just a huge guy just starts screaming like an inch from the back of the lady's head. Who's a Trojan fan. He just starts screaming like, nothing, nothing, nothing. I can't believe like her hair wasn't moving. He was yelling so loud and she turned around. Now that's just obnoxious.

That's just obnoxious. It was great. It was fucking great. And then basically what would have for the rest of the game, shit would calm down. And then we would, I don't know, we would mumble something about her and then she would fucking yell down to her husband and then he'd come over threatening to kick our ass. And we would just laugh at him and then I don't know. I just realized I was so drunk. I can't even remember the rest.

I remember it was the very end of the game. Somebody, Joe, or somebody said something about the score and then the lady in front of us goes, yeah, I'm surprised you can count that high. I go, yeah, why don't you try counting calories, right? Something real mean like that. And then once again, she's like, Mark. And then at this point, half the crowd had left because of such a blowout. This dude comes over and he starts fucking screaming at me. He doesn't scream at Joe because Joe's six foot four.

He yells at me because I'm fucking barely 5'10 and I'm a fucking redhead, right? Even with the shaved head, I still look like fucking howdy-duty. So he starts yelling at me and he keeps telling me, yeah, I'm going to fire you down on the field. That's what he kept saying. He kept telling me he's going to grab me and fire me down on the fucking field. And I was just, you know, and I would just beat an asshole. Go ahead, dude. Do it.

We're going to fire you down the field. You said that. You already said that. You already said it. You fucking cunt. All right? If you're going to do it, you would have and you didn't. So you're not.

So sit down and shut the fuck up, which is funny because by the end of the game, everyone in the stands somehow liked us and hated those people. I mean, half of it was because they were assholes. The other half was they couldn't hear the shit that we were mumbling at this dude's wife. I know at this point he might have a little bit of sympathy for her, but I mean, I'm telling you, she was an asshole and she's the one who made it personal first. She made the comment about Joe's nose. She, oh, she was doing real hacky lines too.

She told me I was ugly. She goes, and I always can lose weight, you know, which I believe I saw during the second season of Def Jam. And, you know, and I thought what we were coming with was a lot more clever. And if it was a battle of the bands in a stand-up situation, I think we won. So basically what ended up happening, I know this is a long-ass fucking story. I don't even have time for questions this week, but long story short, we ended up walking out. I believe somehow the lady in front of us too who was being a jerk had a bunch of these dark

streaks on the back of her shirt towards the end of it. I don't know what it was. It almost looked like ashes from a cigar, but I know that that didn't happen because there's no smoking in there. But anyways, we go to leave and we're basically so drunk. I don't know, man, it took us like fucking nine hours. It literally took us 50 minutes to find our car. I think it was karma for being such assholes in the stadium.

I don't know who to fuck set up the parking lot things out there, but basically the way they do the sections on this golf course is they have balloons. They just have numbers, number one, number two, number three, but they're not lit up. So you can't really see them at night. So you walk out of the stadium drunk and you look up and you see, I saw the number two where we were parked, but you got to follow the path because you can't walk through the sand traps and shit like that. So you look down for half a second and then you look up and there's like a big fucking

oak tree in front of you and now you don't know where you are. It's like the end of the shining without the shrubs. It's a fucking golf course, right? And you're far enough away from the stadium where you can't get your bearings and we're just wandering around and around and around and it's getting to the point like, you know, like hypothermia is becoming an issue because it's a desert. It starts getting cold with shit faced and we just can't fucking find a car. It was like a Blair Witch.

We kept coming back to the same goddamn ladies' tees, whatever the fuck we were. And then I lost all confidence in my ability to find the damn car. So I start following Joe, who is convinced, even though we both know we're parked in section two, we went from section three to section four to section five and he keeps telling me to go in that direction because for some reason he thinks numerically it's going to go through three, four, five, two. I don't know. It took us an hour to find the fucking car.

And at that point I started sobering up and I started thinking about our behavior and I was starting thinking like, you know, I kind of feel like an asshole. Yeah, you know, I should have taken the higher ground even though that girl was a cunt, you know. And he was just like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? She was a cunt. We treated her like one and that's it. That's why I love about that guy.

He just breaks it down to the simplest fucking point. Hey buddy, I got my kid here. Don't take your kid to a fucking football game. But you know, I know that's harsh, especially if you have kids, but think about it. Think about it. Why would you bring your kid to his profession? To a sporting event? That guy with the kid is being hypocritical because he was me before he had a kid.

He was having the time of his fucking life. Now because he has a kid, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to fucking act my age? It's like the fucking baby boom generation. They bang so much, they're fucking in the mud at Woodstock that by the time I come around there's herpes and AIDS and all this shit and then they come around with it. Don't do drugs, wear a condom shit after they had the time of their fucking lives. I'm so glad all of them are getting, that whole generation is getting hip replacements now. But they're fucking, because they all had that fucking Olivia Newton-John high impact aerobics tape

that they did trying to stay in shape. That's the one good fucking thing. Consider I got a fuck with a goddamn trash bag around my dick my entire career, right? At the very least, I at least knew to stretch before you lifted weights. And I also did dangers of high impact aerobics. Okay, when I did my aerobics, I definitely was rocking the leg warmers, but I did not let my feet leave the ground. Okay, so anyways, so that's my Rose Bowl story.

It's a fucking long one, I know that, but I think it had some nice moments. But yeah, but getting back to that, what do you guys think about that stuff? You know, sporting events are not for children. Okay, and I know they always try to talk about the good old days of sports. The good old days of sports is bullshit. Okay, when I was a kid, first football game I went to, I was fucking terrified. I was terrified. It was not a place for kids.

It was a place for adults who hadn't achieved what they thought they were going to achieve in life to get their fucking anger and frustration out. People within loveless marriages, you know, people, you know, people who could tell they were going to get laid off the next week or maybe they already got laid off and they just wanted to get it out. Okay, and they, you know, they've now turned going to a fucking football game into like you're standing in line with a bunch of people waiting to get their kids, you know, photo taken with Santa Claus.

You know, and even if you go further back than my childhood, which was 70s, early 80s, if you go back to the 1950s, they talk about that, oh, the good old days of sports. Oh, what do you mean what, what, when, when they finally let a black guy play in baseball and they threw a fucking black hat on the field and all that racist shit that was going on. Can you imagine the shit that was getting yelled in the stands when Billy Crystal was going down, oh, they're going down and go watch the mic. Boy, oh boy, I got myself a hot dog and a sasperilla. You know, they always tell those stories about how great it was back then.

It wasn't, it wasn't great. They were way more racist, way more ignorant, way more sexist, and people went to the games and they saw Johnny United's, okay. So now, for some reason, now it's my turn to be an asshole and be a drunk and have a good time and all of a sudden I have to take everything down a level, you know. Now, now, now it's, it's Chuck E. Cheese time. It isn't. And I know you guys are saying, well, that's because you don't have a kid right now.

No, fuck that. Fuck that. I wouldn't bring my kid to the game. Or if I brought the kid to the game, I would prepare him. I'd prepare him, you know. This is what's going to happen, okay. You might see a fight, you know. Hey, dad might even get in one.

No, I'm not. I never took it to that level. But you know what I mean? I think, I don't know. Look it. This is how guilty I am for my behavior. I actually pulled up a quote from George Orwell who, granted, this is from Wikipedia, which the other day I looked up something that I knew something about and it was completely

the inaccurate, but this is according to Wikipedia, George Orwell said. Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It's a bound up, it's bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasures, pleasures and witnessing violence. In other words, it's war minus the shooting. Exactly. Now why the fuck would you bring a child to that? And not only that, when was George Orwell alive?

A long fucking time ago. I don't know when he was alive. When did he write 1984? He didn't write it in 83. I know that. He wrote it in like the 30s, didn't he? I'm just saying. See, that's how he describes sports back then.

So guys like, you know, these Billy Crystal guys who always do those little heartwarming stories about, you know, their baseball cards and going down to the baseball stadium and acting like it was this fucking, you know, this time that was lost, you know, George Orwell right there, according to Wikipedia. I think I proved my point. I'm a moron. But I did have a good time. I'm going to tell you right this right now.

If you ever get a chance in your life to smoke a Cuban cigar, definitely do it. All right? Because I'm not even a big smoker and I could tell how fucking amazing that cigar was because I've drank fine wines and I can't tell the difference. You know, when it took me a long time to be comfortable with myself, you know, when you go through the whole long process of spinning the big red wine glass around, I see red up on wine to try to learn so I, you know, about it so I wouldn't feel so fucking stupid when they bring a nice bottle of wine over and I'm like, you know, this tastes like the shit

I used to drink in high school. You know, I learned that, you know, red wine, the reason why it's in a bigger glass is because I'm about the oxygen and you want it to breathe more and how to, you know, move it around the fucking table and then you shove your fucking nose all the way in it. And then you put it in, you swish it all around your mouth. I got all the moves down and I'm like, swallow it. I'm like, yes, this tastes like every other fucking red wine I've ever had. That's not true.

I can tell the difference between like, you know, a Cabernet or Merlot or something like that, but like, I can't tell like the difference between a $14.99 bottle and a $60 bottle. And, you know, I guess I'm trying to stay with this podcast. I'm not that cultured. Okay. All right. Well, so why don't you guys chime in with that? Okay.

Like, well, do you think maybe they should have a kid's section? Should they just have a Chuck E. Cheese section? It's not my fault you knocked her up and you can't go to a game and have a good time now. You know you want to be getting drunk with me. See what I just did there? That's how I made myself right. Made this guy who can't even defend himself actually be secretly agreeing with me. That's how I do it.

Did I mention I have a rat problem? I have a really nice apartment, but the garage I have is a glorified shack. Like, if they ever decide to do the Hatfields and McCoy's TV series, they could shoot it on location in my garage. Okay. It's a rotting out hunk of shit. And even though the door comes down, the hole in the back of the garage, granted you couldn't drive my car out of it, but a fucking rat could crawl into it on a rainy night and then

crawl up into my engine and sleep. This motherfucker, I took my car down to get its service and they took out the air conditioner filter and there was rat shit in there. And I got a pause for everybody going, oh my God, it's good. So, you know, being a man, I'm like, okay, operation, kill the fucking rat is now in motion. And I sat there and I thought, how can I kill this motherfucker? And basically what I did was I went to a smaller hardware because fuck home depot and there are eight people in aprons.

And I bought $114 worth of those rat glue traps and I got a couple of really big cardboard boxes. And then I took some duct tape because when you don't know what the fuck you're doing, duct tape is always the solution. And I duct taped 28 of these motherfuckers. I think over 30. I lost count how many I did on all these boxes, on two big boxes, side by fucking side. And I split them underneath my car.

Okay. You want to get dry? Why don't you try to get by that? Now, I don't know because rats are intelligent. Now, I don't know if what I have in my garage right now is the Star Wars plan that Ronald Reagan always dreamed of. I don't know if I have the rat version of that or if I have the Maginal Line. You know, Maginal Line anybody?

Anybody want to read up on that one? That's one of the classic military blunders of all time. Basically, Germany invaded, you know, France and World War I. There was trench warfare, a ton of loss of life. They came in, they got invaded, they got overrun and all that blah, blah, blah, blah, shit. So, they wanted to make sure they would never happen again because they were worried about Germany, you know, and why wouldn't you have been? So, they decided to build like this is called the Maginal Line.

And it was permanent trenches with these fucking basically built in, I don't know, really anti, it wasn't anti-aircraft. That was the problem that killed them. It was fucking like machine gun nests, like permanent, all the way around. And they spent all this fucking money on it. And what's hilarious is by the time they went to war with Germany, again, they had perfected the aircraft and they basically just flew right up and over all the fucking trenches, you know, dropped bombs on them and shit, and they once again took over fucking France.

And so, I don't know. I don't know if the rat laughed at it, brought another, you know, couple of friends over to shit inside of my car, but I'm going to kill that fucker. And all you animal lovers can go fuck yourselves because I'm not losing a $23,000 automobile to a fucking rodent, all right? I'm going to show him why I live inside, all right? And I don't have to shit on an air-conditional filter. Okay, let's get the podcast questions.

Shall we, people? I'll let you guys know how it goes if I kill the rat or not. All right, podcast question number one. Bill, since you're a Patriot fan, I got to ask you, what's your honest opinion on the Tuck Rule game? I'm a Raider fan, and I think that was hands down the biggest bullshit call in the history of sports, and still to this day, I carry it with me. The fact that the eight and eight charges made the playoffs over the 11 and five Patriots made me happy inside, and while I respect Tom Brady as one of the great all-time QBs,

if he snapped his leg in three places, I'd be a happy man. Okay, for those of you who aren't big sports fans, the Tuck Rule is basically a rule with a quarterback. If he goes into the passing motion, doesn't throw the ball, and if he brings it back to his chest, if somebody whacks the ball out then, it's considered an incomplete pass or something. I really should have looked up the Tuck Rule. Basically, the Raiders slapped the ball out of Brady's hand, they fell on it, they thought they won the game because it was a fumble, and then they brought out the Tuck Rule,

which nobody had ever heard of, including probably Tom Brady. When he wants to know, what is my feeling on that? I don't feel it was the biggest, relax, let me finish. I don't feel it was the biggest bullshit call in the history of sports. I think it's the biggest bullshit rule in the history of sports. That's the thing, they made the right call, the rule needed to be changed. I think it's a bullshit rule, I think that that should have been a fumble. It is a fumble, he didn't tuck it, he was going to throw it, and he didn't,

and then he pulled it in, he got slapped, it is a fumble. But that's what it should be, but because of the Tuck Rule, it was actually the right call, but it's a bullshit rule, and I'm big enough to admit that. But the reality is, you know why that happened to you, and why you carry that with you? Oh, poor baby, you've had to carry that since what, 2001? Poor baby, you know what I had to carry for almost 20 years was that roughing the passer call. You're probably too young to remember this, but we basically beat the fucking Raiders in 1976. We had you guys beaten, Sugar Bear Hamilton is coming in against Ken Stabler,

he jumps in the air, once again I'm acting this out, he jumps in the air, as Stabler is going to release the ball, he's in the fucking air, the ball is released, he slams into Ken Stabler, and they call roughing the passer, like he was supposed to change mid-air. Now, I don't know if you guys know this shit, but back then, roughing the passer was not a yardage penalty. They basically put the ball where they were trying to complete it, and it was the end of the game, and they threw a fucking 50-yard Hail Mary. They called roughing the passer, so they gave him the ball, now it's not on the 50, they put it on like the fucking 3-yard line, and the Raiders went in to go score.

That, my friend, was the biggest bullshit call of all time, because that was a complete wrong interpretation of the rule. You understand the difference? The Tuck rule is a bullshit rule that was interpreted correctly, so the guy made the correct call. He did make the correct call, but I feel for you, because that was a bullshit, that was a, it's a bullshit rule, and the Raiders should have won that game, but that was payback, because the Patriots should have beat you in 1976, but because a lot of you Raider fans are a lot younger, you don't remember it,

or maybe you don't want to remember it, but I carried that from 1976 to 2001, alright? So that was 15 years, alright, youngster? You're only 7 years into your bullshit, so I have no sympathy for you. Okay, sorry, I get heated when it comes to sports, and he said something that was the next, what's your opinion on the field goal guy, you know, every bunch of guys, I don't want to fucking read this one. I went too long on that one, I get get to get to some other people. I don't mind field goal kickers, by the way, sorry, I still got my old laptop,

I'm trying to not hit this button too much. Alright Bill, I want your comedic opinion on something. I was talking to a co-worker of mine about a girl that I had been seeing. Oh, I love this question, this is a great story. Everybody just settle in, settle in and turn this, turn this down, turn this down because I think this has, does this have the word continent? I'm not sure, okay, here we go. Alright Bill, I want your comedic opinion on something.

I was talking to a co-worker of mine about a girl that I'd been seeing, that I'd been kind of seeing. I was telling him that one thing I really like about her is how, oh, he wrote this one, how her, how good her hair smells. Well, this twat of a girl that works with me overheard us and decided to chime in by saying shit like, she wants to meet the girl who would go out with a guy like me and how she would actually be nervous to be alone with me.

Alright, I know my reading out loud skills suck, so let me just sort of paraphrase what happened. This guy is at work, he's kind of seeing this girl and he says to a friend of his, yeah, you know, seeing this girl, you know, I really love her, her hair smells really great. That's all I have in this instant conversation. And then this other girl who's not even in the conversation, is like, ah, God, I'd love to meet the girl, go out with you.

You know, I'd be nervous to be alone with you, right? Completely uncalled for. And he goes, etc. So now we recently found out that that girl who chimed in just had an abortion like a week and a half ago, Jesus. But I brushed her off. So I brushed her off, but the bitch didn't stop. She continued on by asking another female worker

if she'd be nervous to be alone with me. Which my response was, why don't we ask someone what it's like to be alone with you? Oh, wait a minute, that's right, you killed it. Wow. Wow. Dude, you said that at work? Wow.

Okay. Okay. And he basically says, which shocked half of the people at work and made the other half crack up laughing. She called me an insensitive asshole. Yeah, okay. But I could care less.

To me, she was asking for it. It's not like she was just sitting there, minding her own business, and I walked up and said, what's new, fetus killer? What do you think, Bill? Was I out of line? Or was it a kick-ass comeback?

Okay. Let me wrap my fucking head around this. Um... All right. First of all, it was an unbelievable comeback. It was a game-set-and-match comeback. You know, it was literally, you know... I don't know.

She didn't even bring a knife to a gunfight. She was sitting there with a water pistol, and you took out a machete, and you fucking chopped her head off, and, I don't know, held it up for everyone to see, and then you swung her fucking head around by the ponytail and threw it across the offices,

basically what you did. What do you think? Was I out of line? Yeah. I'm gonna have to say yes, because I totally understand why you went there. Like, why you wanted to hurt her back, because what she was saying to you was fucked up,

but she was fucked up on, like, level two, and then you went right to the penthouse level. You know what I mean? Level two. She was a good a third of the way up the building. Okay? I don't know why I'm using a building as an analogy, but I'm too deep now.

I have to go with this. But you went right to the penthouse suite, and you kicked her ass right off of it, and you didn't even do it on the side, you know, where they have that canopy thing where the bellman stands, we're in a three stooge's mover, you'd somehow live.

You kicked her out the backside of the building, right down into the fucking alley, where there's a rat waiting to crawl up into my fucking car. Yeah, what I would... I don't know how old you are, but yeah, you kind of went where you didn't have to go, where... What you have to do is you get older,

both with men and women, and psychologically, you have to realize where they're coming from, and you have to understand, especially knowing that she had just had an abortion, dude, which is fucking... That's brutal for a guy to go through. You know, if you have any sort of a conscience,

forget about a woman who's actually carrying it. You know what I'm saying? And so the reason why she's saying... She obviously is having difficulty with her own relationships, and is so fucking insecure that to hear someone around her actually maybe making some sort of connection and be happy in that area of her life

is fucking with her so much that it wasn't enough just to say the mean shit to you. She starts walking around the office trying to get people to reinforce her statement and to sort of caught-block you. And I understand why you did that, you know? You know, and you've got to understand why you went to that level. Okay, you went literally to that level.

That had nothing to do with her. That had some shit to do with the baggage you were bringing. I don't know what house... You sound like you came from a household like my household where somebody makes fun of your shirt. You're like, yeah, at least my fucking... Uncle isn't dead, you know? You just immediately go way beyond what was just said to you.

So was it out of line? Definitely out of line, dude. You shouldn't say shit like that at work. I don't want you to lose your job, you know, I'm not going to lie to you. It was fucking hilarious. And not to mention, after my Rose Bowl story, who the fuck am I to say anybody was out of line? You know where I'm at?

Your story, how I'm trying to break it down, how you ended up there, is where I'm at as a human being right now. I'm still doing what's new, fetus killer lines, but I'm trying not to do that. You know, it's funny on a comedy stage, but it's not funny at the Rose Bowl. All right, but dude, I got to give you a fucking over-the-phone high-five on that one.

That was just, wow. Why don't we ask someone who's been alone with you, oh, wait a minute, that's right, you killed it. There's no way people burst it out laughing. That's one of those things, if you found it funny, you made that, you know, you raise your eyebrows up like, holy shit, you got to walk away. You know what I mean?

Somehow there has to be a corner within ten yards for you to walk around so you can let that laugh go. God damn it, that was brutal, but that was funny. Come on women, you got to laugh, you got to know that's funny. I know, I know, it's brutal, but come on, that was funny. Okay, where we going, where we going? All right, a lot of sports questions all of a sudden. People really liking the sports.

Okay, another question. Bill, what happened to our beloved team? This is a Boston person. Do the Patriots try and keep Matt Castle knowing Tom Brady is rehabbing, his rehab is slightly behind? Do the Jets offer back the second round they gained from Spygate back for the past, oh man, you're going real deep here. I have no idea.

What's happened to our beloved team? The Patriots had an unbelievable season and what I love about it is everyone was questioning Bill Parcell, Bill Parcell, Bill Belichick because of the Spygate thing and look at this year, after winning with the sixth round pick, three Super Bowls, seventh round draft pick, he goes 11 and five and almost wins the division. I think he's proven himself as a fucking coach

and people always be like, oh, fucking Spygate, but they got nothing, they don't have an argument and the reason why I said Bill Parcell is because I really think that that guy is overrated. I think he's really good at making a team good, but he can't get them over the top and he throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way and he's like the Larry Brown of football.

He's only won two Super Bowls, 86 and 90 and who was his fucking defensive coordinator, Bill Belichick? He got to the Super Bowl again with the Patriots, who was his defensive coordinator, Bill Belichick. Right? You see? Bill Belichick has gone on, he's won three Super Bowls, Parcell has won nothing, he's won nothing. He changes the colors of the team,

he definitely gets a winning tradition going on there, but he doesn't win, so I'd rather have Belichick. He's a great coach, I'm just still pissed that he announced that he was leaving our team a week before we were going to play a Super Bowl for his own selfish reasons, I really annoyed me. Question number four, for those of you not into sports, here we go.

Here's the non-sports stories. Bill, when you do an appearance on a big show like Letterman or Conan, what's the protocol for meeting the other guests? Does the show hook that up automatically or are the guests isolated from each other in the dressing room and green rooms? The reason I asked is NBC just recently had a replay of your Conan episode that you appeared on with.

Kira Knightley was the headliner, I assume, one of the perks in doing the show is you don't need to check out a famous chicken person, right? No, you don't. You are on an entirely different floor than the actual famous people. You're just the comedian, so I don't know what it's like to do panel.

I've never done panel. That's kind of one of my goals here for 2009. Maybe I can do panel on one of the later, later shows, like Carson Daly, I just have to have something to hype. Maybe I can do that then, I'd love to do that, but I've only been the comedian, so basically, you're kind of on your own floor on Letterman.

You have your own floor to yourself, which is cool and kind of creepy, and then on Conan, you're... When I did Conan, you know what? You're definitely more... I don't know why they put the famous people, because I'm not near them, but I did walk out and after Chuck Norris did his sketch,

I made sure when he walked by me, I shook his hand, thinking like that hand, shook Bruce Lee's hand. You know what I mean? Or at least blocked his fucking kick or some shit in whatever movie that was. But no, you don't get to meet those people. Some people are cool. The first time I did Conan, Mary Tyler Moore walked by,

looked into my room, smiled and said hello. I think a lot of times people are sitting back there thinking, what stories am I going to tell? You're getting your head together, and you already have your crew of people, who book you and that type of stuff. Because personally, before I go out and do my set, like literally once the show starts,

after the first segment, I kind of send all my people out of the room, so I can kind of just basically remember what my opening joke is. So there you go. Question numbers are whatever we're on. I have these numbered wrong. For some reason this is three, even though anyone's like five.

I have a question about your storytelling ability. I told the story about getting the hot dog from Pinks. It was not only hilarious, but I felt like I was there. I suck at being able to replay the funny shit that happens to me, my families and friends. Does your story ability come naturally, or is it something that you've worked on? How do you put together a good story?

I'm actually not the greatest storyteller. I digress a lot. And I'm trying to get to the meat of it a lot better. Yeah, it just kind of comes from telling a lot of stories. But don't beat yourself up, man. There's a lot of people who can't tell a story, but it's more like they are the story. You know what I mean?

Like, I don't know. I got a good friend of mine who does the funniest shit ever, and he does shit offstage. I wouldn't do onstage. And he has you on the ground laughing, but he retells the story. It doesn't sound like anything funny happened. But in the moment, he's like the funniest guy ever.

It's weird. I don't know how I told that Rose Bowl story. I was just trying not to get the other dude in trouble, but the other dude kind of was the story. Joe was fucking hilarious. I don't know. Afterwards, I'm telling the story. I'm the story guy. I tell the fucking story,

but I'm not the fucking story. I'm just a sad little man retelling shit that I didn't do. Question number six. All right. Hey, what's the word? Oh, you know what? I got this one totally wrong. Someone asked me a couple weeks back about what I think about the Chicago Blackhawks. I was only mildly paying attention to them.

I didn't realize how good they were this year, and I started watching them. I think that they're going to go maybe a couple rounds into the playoffs this year. And also, you asked me why the fuck did the Bruins get rid of Thornton? And I was saying why they kind of blamed our shortcomings on him,

but I forgot that we got Phil Kessel in that trade, so we did get something. I was sort of trying to correct something there. All right. Let me try to get through the rest of these. All right. Here's the New Year's resolutions, people. I know this is getting long. New Year's resolutions. I never understood...

Yeah, you know what? Why don't I hype my shit this week? I'm going to be at the improv in Tampa. improv, the number two dot com for all the information, or you can click right on my homepage. Please come out to see me at the improv in Tampa. I got a whole new hour of shit, and... Yeah, come on, man. Can't be just listening to me for free on my podcast.

I know it's a tough economy, but for the Christ's sake, come out and fucking support me. All right. New Year's resolutions. All right, Phil. A lot of people are against them. Here's a guy. I have no... I never understood the logic of New Year's resolutions. There's 364 other days a year when one can decide to do something better for themselves.

Perhaps it's another marketing scheme for capitalist bloodsuckers. I'm hoping that we will make another... hoping that we'll make another irrational decision. It's not really...it's more of a statement. I kind of agree with that. I absolutely hate New Year's resolutions. People trick themselves into believing that the best time to make changes and start things is at the beginning of the year.

I don't make New Year's resolutions because they are unnecessary. I start every New Year off with what I refer to as my three golden rules. One, laugh my ass off every chance I get. Two, after I have done what I can, I walk away from those things that I cannot fix or resolve.

And three, I surround myself with people, places and things I love most and support who I am as a person. Jesus Christ, somebody who's healthy, huh? All right. Where are we going here? Where are we going? Let's wrap this fucking thing up with the quick overrated, underrated. And I'm actually going to pitch it

because you guys have been doing such a great job here. I'm going to say overrated is the movie 300. That's...it's just... that is laugh out loud awful the second time you see it. The first time you see it visually, it's really interesting, but it's just the stupidest fucking thing ever. It's the complete meathead, what it means to be a man. And, you know, the kid, you know, is crying for his mother

and they fucking stick him in a loincloth out in the wilderness. It's snowing out. He's walking around in his bare feet and he kills some sort of hybrid wolf slash alien with a stick. And I'm supposed to believe that. And, you know, and then they have the fight club moment where he murders another fucking half-naked six-year-old with his kid. This is Sparta.

And they kick him down that fucking manhole and that one guy does the beautiful backflip as he goes, they go, it's fucking gay. All right? They take on an army of 20,000. You know what I mean? You know what that movie is? That's the fantasy every man has after he pussies out

and a bunch of women saw him pussy out in like a bar fight or something like that. And then when you're driving home and you start dreaming of the man you wish you were and how you looked in fucking, you know, mood lighting, fuck that movie. The movie sucks. It really sucks, okay?

I think half those abs were painted on. Once I saw that Janet Jackson does that, you know, that you can actually do some shadowing there on the stomach. Okay. You have somebody. You have some overrated. Overrated. Losing your virginity.

But God, but God's sex rules when you figure it out later in life. Also, my guitar playing to my friends is underrated. Bill Burr, the funniest man alive. And chicken wings are also underrated. The greatest food ever. Chicken wings are great when you're younger. But once your stomach is so full of grease

when you're in your middle ages, you can't eat them anymore. So enjoy underrated jerky. It's a good source of protein, low in fat, and it's tasty, great snack. Yeah, but you got to go to a truck stop to get it. And there's always the danger of being raped there, man or woman. Underrated.

Being in familiar enough company to talk some serious shit and do some serious ball busting. There's nothing worse than going out with some people you kind of know but you don't know enough to know their limits so you can't mix it up verbally. With my friends at bars watching a game, it's great knowing I don't need to censor myself. But with my girlfriend and general acquaintances

on couples nights, it feels like I'm eating with my grandparents. It's all small talk, no substance, and I'm constantly censoring myself. It's a psychological prison. Exactly. I'd have to agree with you on that one. Totally would have to agree with you on that.

Last couple of things. I think that's basically it. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you enjoyed my long ass fucking stories. Happy New Year to everybody. I hope you guys have a great New Year, and I hope you can stick with your New Year's resolutions. Personally, I've been doing what I always do,

getting myself in shape the first half of the year before I completely get back out of shape and nosedive with some Christmas cookies at the end of the year. That's what I do. But, you know, Bikini season is coming up. Yeah, you know what I did? I actually bought that P90X thing

that they have late at night, and I got to admit, dude, it's the fucking shit. Once you get past the guy hosting it, you know, I don't know if I already talked about this. He's kind of, if you're doing a sketch about a personal trainer and you imitated this guy, they think that what you were doing wasn't realistic.

He goes, oh, yeah, P90X. You know, talks to, hey, those are nice shoes. They're almost as cool as mine. Okay, let's drop down and do some crunches. But after a while, you get to see that he's just, you know, he's just a big insecure guy, you know? I think I talked about this, right? Halfway through, he admits that his dad

threw a couple of no-hitters, you know, and you're like, there's the pain, right? And you never lived up to him athletically, did you? So now you joined the gym, and at the very least, you're trying to be in better shape than your old man, because you just want to hug. Did that make any sense? It probably didn't.

That's the podcast. Thank you for listening, and that's it. I don't know how to end it. I never know how to fucking end it. Go see me at Tampa. Go see me in Tampa at the fucking, the improv in Tampa, because I'll be in Tampa, in Florida at Tampa, okay? And also be at the improv in Houston,

and I'm also coming back to Boston. I'm trying to return to Boston, Massachusetts, and all my dates are up on my website, billburr.com, and all the information, all the links, all that shit. And for those of you who are wondering what happened to my date at the Trump Taj Mahal, the Atlantic City, whatever the fuck I was going to be, I'm going to get a date up there.

We had to reschedule it. All right? That is it. God bless all of you. And fucking don't go to the automated lines at grocery stores. All right. That's it. Love you. Goodbye.

Let's go. Let's go. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing. Music playing.