Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-23

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

Bill rambles about gas station etiquette, going out like Jackie Gleason, and front porch life. (00:00 - 30:07) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:33 - end) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 1-5-15: Bill rambles about Tony Romo haters, The Rose Bowl, and remembers Stuart Scott. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Night Moves - Only A Child   

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea Ikea The first week of 2023.

Holidays are over. You know, you got to do that sad thing and taking down the tree. Ah, is there anything sadder than taking down the tree? You feel great though when it's all over. When all the decorations and everything's put away. There is a certain level of relief, but taking them all down. You know, you feel like you lost an election. You're working for us.

I always pictured that like, you know, what that must be like to like lose like a press a presidential election. Like you're to the point where most of the free world actually is kind of knowing your name. If you're, you know, the standing president rerunning the everybody knows your fucking name and all of a sudden you lose and all those glad handers slapping you on the back. I had the Elvis entourage. You tell a little joke, a guy walks six paces over to a wall and slaps it as if anything has ever been that funny. Which is something I maintain.

Nothing has ever been so funny that you had to run out of a room. Some of these TV shows you'll see somebody will make a joke and then they themselves actually run out of the room. Which to me, I feel is sort of the end zone dance of telling a joke or maybe those idiots who get like a first down. Or my favorite, my favorite, you're down by 20 and you stop the running back for like a one yard loss and you get up flexing and stomping around for whatever fuck. I don't even know what it, because I guess, you know, give a fuck that the team's going to lose. Is that what it is? Oh, old man, Bill.

That's what I'm going to change the name of this podcast to. Bill complains about shit. All right, here's some new shit that's out that I'm sick of people complaining about. Tesla's. All right, I know the guy that runs it's a fucking laminated face cunt. We all know that. We all know he's a nerd who's trying to be cool now. Hey, I'm smoking a joint.

Hey, I got wacky things to say about stuff. You know, stay in your lane. Get back in chemistry class and fucking do something with a beaker. Whatever the fuck it is you brainiacs do. He's trying to be the life of the party. That's where we are in this country right now. The fucking nerds are trying to fucking put the lampshade on their head. You don't put the lampshade on the head.

You design the lamp. Um, anyway, oh my God. Does anybody you don't need to hear more from is the Tesla guy? Oh, what does the Tesla guy think about this? I'm sick of all of his wacky ideas with tunnels and all of this shit. Just go do it. Maybe he's like trying to drum up more money. Is that what it is?

I don't know what, but I'm sick of people shitting on the Tesla. All these gas combustion people, these fucking idiots going like, I can fill up my tank of gas in 10 minutes. I don't need a half hour to beat back. It's like, hey, fucking you have a charger at your house. Imagine if you had a gas pump at your house, right? And every morning you woke up with a full tank of fucking gas. Stop acting like stopping for gas two, three times a fucking week isn't a pain in

the ass. Especially if you're on a budget. If you're putting in five here, 10 bucks here, whatever you do, right? You're forever going to a gas station and there's that stupid cunt. Right? Well, you know, there's like, there's like two people almost done filling up their gas tank and you're in your two cars behind and you're sitting there praying to God that the person in front of you is clocking this.

All right. And what happens is the guy, the first guy, he pulls out. Meaning the second car in line and goes around the other guy who's just finishing up and what is the cunt doing in front of you? Did they wait and just wait for that person all the way in the front to get the last couple of drops of gas in to pull off. So then they pull all the way up and you can get in there. Nope.

No, they do not. They pull right in, get out. That dumb fat ass starts pumping the car and you're looking at him like, what the fuck? And their big gulp brain never puts two and two together. Don't act like that isn't happening. All right. They're fucking incredible cars that are as fast as a fucking motorcycle

with people and groceries in them. And then what do they do? They show videos of like, look at when you put it in self-driving mode, it ended up hitting something. How does your car do in self-driving mode? Oh, that's right. It doesn't have one. All right.

They're going to figure it out. All right. And there's going to be some people that are going to have to die along the way. How do you think we got to where we're at in aviation? Scuba diving, bridge building, people fucking died. And you know what? I bet right along the way, right at fucking Kitty Hawk, there was some cunt sitting there on their horses going,

say that's why, you know, right now, you know, my horse doesn't leave the ground and I don't fucking, right? Meanwhile, you get thrown off it like Christopher Reeve and break your fucking neck, but nobody brings that up. Do they? Bill, did you have to go off on Superman? I loved Christopher Reeve.

All right. He's dead. His suffering is over. You know, I wonder if he would have done the self-driving thing. I mean, I think if you're crazy enough to play polo, I mean, the shit that can happen to you on a horse anyway, the fact that you're leaning over with a croquet mallet. I mean, it's just fucking, isn't that inevitable?

I'll tell you one of the most fucked up ones ever was the, what was it, Bill Shoemaker? The guy rode horses, his whole fucking career never broke his neck, then fucking got in a car, got in a car accident, and then broke his fucking neck. Wasn't that part of that Alanis Morris set song? Isn't it ironic, don't you think? You want to hear my Alanis Morris set joke from fucking 25 years ago

when that song came out? You know that one where she came off like, it was so funny, like she was sitting there bitching about her ex-boyfriend just coming off like the kind of person you would break up with, where she was just going like, right? And she said that line, you know, Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicitin?

And there was a, well, would she go down on you in a theater? Talking about his new girlfriend, would she go down on you in a theater? It's like, no, she wouldn't. I'm going to marry you, you fucking whore. I'm sorry. All right, every once in a while, like I go for big air, I go for big air and I miss the ramp.

You don't marry a woman that blows you in a movie theater? Oh, geez, I got an incoming call here. I hope this isn't going to fuck with the podcast. Hang on a second. All right, I'm back from the phone call. Shaking that off. Now, what if a guy went down on a woman in a movie theater, would she marry him?

All depends on what he's making. And that's what it comes down to everybody. Okay, that's how it's done. Out here in these streets, it's been raining. That's why this podcast is a little fucked up. It's been raining for like, I don't know how many days out here, which is great. You know, LA, we need the rain.

We need the rain to watch it go down the LA river and just go out to the fucking ocean. So these stupid fucking assholes can then tell us that we're in another drought. Why don't you guys, I don't, I still don't, you don't want to, every time you go like, why don't you fucking corral? Is that the right word with the liquid?

Or do you do that with a solid, like a cattle? You corral cattle. You gather nuts and berries. What the fuck do you do with water? Whatever that means is stick it in a giant container. Whatever that fucking word is, why don't they do that? And they, oh, there's no money in it. All the money is in destroying the planet.

I don't understand. How do you, how do you turn that one around? Maybe Elon Tesla can work on that one. Anyway, the fuck else am I wanted to talk about? Oh, so the other night, you know, I'm taping the bill's bangles game, right? And I'm watching the garbage truck videos with my little boy and all of a sudden I get a text message like,

oh my God, are you watching the bill's game? So sad. And I'm thinking like, oh my God, what happened to the bills now? You know, I mean, every time they go in a positive drought, I'm thinking, you know, they pick six, you know, Josh Allen, you know, fucking blew out his ACL. I had, you know, in 50 years of watching football, that has never happened.

I don't think that's ever happened. Like the odds of that, unbelievable. I'm glad I wasn't watching it because I just saw like the highlights and the looks on the players' faces and everything. I'm kind of glad that by the time I saw it, I knew that they had gotten that poor kid to the hospital and even though he's in critical condition, at least he's there with, you know, you know,

the people that know what they're doing. Yeah, Bill, it's called a hospital. All right, thank you. I will tell you the one funny thing about it though, all right? And this is a comedy podcast, so you have to go with this, all right? It's my job to find the knock, knock joke within the horror. The funniest thing was I heard this, this lady on ESPN and she was, she was talking about like how close the Buffalo Bills are.

She goes, you know, of course they're distraught. This is a really close team, you know, there's not a lot to do out here in Buffalo and blah, blah, blah. And I just burst it out laughing. It's like, did she just low-key trash Buffalo? It was just picture, I'm like, hey Josh, what do you want to do? You want to go get some more wings? I mean, I can't get any more wings.

What do you want to do? I want you to come over and play Madden, right? Then they hang out. I'm like, hey Josh, you ever feel like, you know, it's not like I don't feel lucky, but you ever feel like playing for the Bills, you kind of don't feel like you're in the NFL when you play a home game?

But then when you go on the road, you're like, oh yeah, that's right, I'm in the NFL, but like when you play a home game, you ever just kind of feel like you're maybe like in like the CFL or something? You ever feel like, I mean, Canada is right there, you ever think that Josh? Oh yeah, yeah, I guess I kind of do. I'm glad you shared that with me. I feel closer to you.

Anyway, I don't know, I don't know what else to talk about. That's just a fucking horrific situation, but I thought it was fucking hilarious that even during that time, someone still had to take a fucking shot at Buffalo. Now there's no fucking way there's not a lot to do in Buffalo. I've been to Buffalo, okay? There's plenty of places to drink. There's plenty of good food, okay?

I don't know who's making the tables out there, but they got to be making a killing. They got a minor league ballpark out there that was very impressive. I mean, fucking Rick James lived out there. There must have been some fun to have, right? I wonder if she got any shit for that. I'm just going to say that during a time like this, when thoughts and prayers should be thoughts and prayer in the Buffalo direction,

for you to make fun of, you're killing our tourism. They got Niagara Falls. That used to be an amazing thing to go see, you know, but now you can watch like fucking beheading videos, you know? While you're on the shitter. I mean, it takes a lot to get people to go. Is that one of the wonders of the world? What an innocent time, you know,

when they actually had wonders of the world. Like, I wonder how this happened, you know? Now there's just answers. There's always some douche that's got to be standing there giving you all the fucking answers. Look at this. Look at the Grand Canyon. This is one of the wonders of the world.

Oh, actually it was created during the Ice Age. Shut up. Can't you just let me be stupid? Underrated. Not knowing shit. Right? Just fucking sitting there drinking a slurpee. Eating something that's leading you to a fucking heart attack.

There really is something to be said about staying dumb. You know? You always think you got the answers. Everything's easy. Like, it's got to be really difficult to be fucking like smart, you know, like a scientist, right? First of all, not only not, you know, now you're going to get signed on by some fucking corporation.

You sign like the studio deals, like actors back in the day in the 40s and 50s, you sign on and they're going to get credit. They get credit and they own everything that you fucking create. You know, when you sell your soul, right? Probably got to bring your own fucking microscope. Cheap fucks. And you get in there and you got all of these mouth-breathing morons

with no fucking background whatsoever questioning your work. Like, let's take Elon Tesla there, right? He's making the fucking cars that drive themselves. Now, I don't know why he's doing that. I don't know why we fucking need that. I have no idea. I just hope the satellite will make the cunt in front of me move all the way up to the other gas pump.

Oh, no, we won't even be at gas pumps. To the other charger. Is that what it's going to be? When they were talking about self-driving cars, like morons were posting pictures of train tracks. Like, why did you just fucking do this? Like, why don't you just take a train? People who don't take trains, we're saying,

we already have these things. They're called trains. People who didn't design a train. People who, like, the train already exists. And if everybody who was involved in training died. You ever think about that? If all of these people that run all of this shit, if they all fucking died,

none of us would know how to get it going again. We just watch it all fall apart. Be like, that's an airplane. That knows how to fly if you know how to do it. Sorry. I am in a weird move. I am here to defend Buffalo. I've always had a good time when I've gone out there.

And Buffalo is a lot like Philadelphia. We're in Philadelphia when you go there, right? You're like, you just think, man, nobody here knows how to read. It's just this overwhelming thought that this is just a high level of illiteracy. And the only other place that I feel that is when I go to Baltimore. I mean, sorry, Buffalo. Well, Baltimore, too. Jesus Christ.

How many times are they going to try to build up the fucking bay? It's like, it's over. Nobody's going down there. Enough with the neon lights in the themed restaurants. No, I don't think that. I'm saying when you go to Philly, as the locals call it, you ask anybody in Philadelphia where to get the best cheese steak, and every one of them says someplace different.

You go to Buffalo, you ask them, where should I go? Should I go to Duffy's or should I go to that other fucking anchor bar? And they both look at you like, no, you don't go either place. That's where the tourists go. And that's like when, whenever they show those stupid fucking cheese steak places in Philly, they always show, uh, uh, genos, pats or genos, whatever the fuck it is. I guess all of those are like the time square of both of those cities. Like you don't go there.

Um, and you know what's funny about all of that shit is it's not, you know, if you didn't, if you don't live there, it's not really that good. You know what I mean? It's like poor qualities of meat. It gives you a fucking heart attack. You can't fucking move after you eat it. There's really no reason past a certain age to eat it unless you grew up there because you have that child sense memory.

Like the amount of shit food in Boston that every time I go back and eat and immediately wish that I didn't. But while I'm eating it, like I go back to being six, seven, eight years old, right? Not a care in the fucking world. Not a care in the fucking world. No debt, no fucking problems. Just sitting there at McDonald's eating a fucking cheese. But whatever the fuck we used to go, you know, and you just, all you're doing is

just going back to, oh my God, I was young. I had a full head of hair. I didn't have somebody bitching at me. I had no fucking deadline and the food reminds you of how free you were before you got sucked into the matrix. So then what happens is tourists comes to your town like Boston and I tell these people, Hey, you know where you got to go? You got to go here to get there.

You got to go. You got to go here to get this. It's fucking amazing. And then my friends always go there. How am I going? You like it? And they always say, yeah, it was all right. You know, bread was a little, you know, bread wasn't that great.

I'm like, what are you talking about? You start, you start getting all upset. Like I saw two comedians on a podcast arguing about what was better, a cheese steak or a steak and cheese. I'm from Massachusetts. So I'm like, without a doubt, it's a steak and cheese. But at the end of the day, nobody from Philly or Massachusetts could tell you what part of the cow that meat is coming from.

I'm going to guess the hoof. All right. Having said all that, every time I go to Philly, I get a cheese steak. Every time I go to Buffalo, I get wings. And every time I go to Boston, I get a steak and cheese. And that's just it. And that's how it's going to be. And I am just staying at a nice, dumb level of cuisine.

I like doing that. I'm like this, you know, this infuse, this, that infuse. I'm not into that shit. I like the straight heart attack. You ever see interviews of Jackie Gleason like right before he died? The guy's literally sitting there. He's got like a highball glass with some sort of booze in it. And he's smoking a fucking cigarette.

And you're looking at him like this guy is going to drop at any second. He knows it. I know the whole fucking world knows it. And he didn't give a fuck. There's really something to be said about that. Is everybody sitting there trying to eat healthy and organic food and all that? Like, or you could go the other way. You could go the other way and just not give a fuck.

Right? And just smoke and drink and fuck and sock. Sorry, I went to 20 Montana there. Can you imagine just like never going to a heart doctor and just being like 50 pounds overweight and just ordering a hot fudge Sunday? Like, how fun would that be? You know? Bringing, you know, because you're so full of fucking salt from whatever fucking shit

you just ate. I don't know. I'm probably thinking all of this because it's the first 10 days of the month when I go on my little fucking thing here. You know? Just so I can prove to myself that I have some sort of control in my life. It isn't that what we all want to feel. Anyway.

And through the magic of editing, I'm now driving down the street. Not in a Tesla. I'm doing it myself. Fuck, what else was I talking? I was talking about dying. Here's a way to die that has gone out. You know, if you're not going to die like Jackie Gleason, where you're just like, listen, I'm eating fucking steak every night.

I'm smoking a cigarette whenever my body tells me to. And I'm going to polish it off with a nice glass of fucking bourbon. If you don't mind, sir. Here's one that's gone away with the times. You know, back in the day, an admirable way to go out was drowning in your own puke. It was just a way that so many, you know, everyone wanted to be a rock star. And that was just, that was the way, that's the way they went out. And somewhere along the line, it got somehow defined as alcoholism.

And that it was this sad thing, but it wasn't. It was, I mean, it was, but it was also was great for the environment. You know, it's also a great way to become a legend. If you die before people realize what a conch you are, like they're going to lay it on thick. They're going to lay, you know, all your friends are still alive. So they'll talk about how great you are. I'm not, now listen, I am not advocating drowning in your own puke. I'm just saying it's just child sense memory when it comes to this type of stuff.

That's got to be the ugliest fucking house I've ever seen in my life. They're just, they're building it right now. Jesus Christ. They look like a fucking Arby's. Do you know, that's one of the fucked up things out here in LA is just the lack of zoning laws. Like you can just basically build whatever the fuck you want. It's the only city I've ever been to. There'll be like a strip mall next to an old lady's house and then there'll be a skyscraper.

And then after that, there'll be some little hamburger stand. There you know, whatever the fuck you want to do, go ahead and do it. We'll give a shit. Um, sorry, I'm slowly going crazy here because I was already, I was, I was, you know, bedridden during my Williams and pneumonia phase that my wife so eloquently put. And now I'm actually up and about. And I feel like I want to fucking go out and go do some shit. And I don't know, I've been laying in a dark room for a few weeks and now, now the fucking, it's all overcast out.

So I think I'm getting a little, little fucking stir crazy, but I think it's the sun's supposed to come back. On Friday, that would be a nice thing out here. You don't amazes me though, is if I had a plane and I was instrument rated, I could just fly just above this shit. You know what, how when you're underneath it, you don't think the sun is out. Sun's always out. You're just on the wrong side of the clouds, man. And I think that that's what this is about. Where is that siren coming from?

Look at that fat shit getting out of his car. He's one of those fat guys that embraced it. You know what I mean? He's just dressing like he's in a biker gang and just got out of a fucking Kia. Look at this guy, diagonally J walking, Olympic level, holding onto his puffy coat. You can't zip it up anymore, can you? You got to hold it together. Holding it together.

Am I the only one hearing a siren right now? Oh, there it is. All right, I'm getting over, getting over. Oh, it's just the ambulance. Somebody ended a great life with a hot fudge sundae. Right to the fucking arteries. Um, anyway, this would be a perfect day to go out and get a cup of coffee or two. You know, strike up a conversation with somebody old if you went to the right fucking shit hole.

You know, now that I'm making fun of the architecture, I've never noticed there's so many fucking banks and churches out here. I commend anybody that still goes to fucking church. That's a really, I think that's a really cool thing to do. I might start going back to church, you know, but I think when I go back and like nobody notices that I left, I don't know that my ego will be able to handle it. So I'll be like, fuck this place, man. Jesus was Portuguese, man.

And then I'll walk out feeling like a badass. Oh, there's one of those pickup trucks that I hate, the four door pickup truck with the four foot bed. And it's like, what, what is that? Is that a giant El Camino? Is it a station wagon that lost its fucking hatchback? Is that what, like either buy a fucking truck. Hey, Bill, maybe people can buy the truck they want. Maybe there's all different kinds of designs.

Why can people only buy the pickup truck that you deem worthy? Oh, I'll tell you why. Because I am a white guy in his fifties. Therefore, I think everyone should live by my rules. You know what I do love seeing? I love seeing a retiree on a porch. You know, just sitting there watching it going by. I always wonder what they're thinking.

You know what I mean? I feel like if you live longer, you actually sort of like appreciate life. There's somebody still with their Christmas lights up. All right, nice. I like that. I don't like these cunts that throw their fucking Christmas tree out like December 26th. I feel like that says a lot about you. Like if I was in the FBI, I would definitely put them on like some sort of like potential spy.

Right? Because you know, do they have Christmas in Russia? Do they know it's Christmas time at all? I'm not sure if they have Christmas out there. That's a good question to ask. It's probably not a good question to ask. I'll be just Googling. You know those Google smart people?

They always have an answer because they have a fucking smartphone, but they don't retain anything that they say. Yeah, Bill, kind of like you. All right, listen, I'm not on this podcast to subconsciously hear all the fucking things that you're saying about me. All right. And with that, I'm almost at my destination. Oh, Billy old man. Billy old farts here.

I can wrap this up in the next minute and a half. We don't have any reads this week. I'm surprised, surprised the way I shit on some of the advertisers. Just some of their fucking shit is just so dumb. You know what I mean? They really gets to be a point where it's just like, are we really selling this shit? Anyway, that's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Oh, I wanted to ask, here's an aviation question. Anybody out there fly a Zeppelin? Any of the Goodyear pilots listen to this podcast? I think I asked on the last podcast I never heard from anybody is the question that I have there is, what is the your IFR restrictions? Can you get special VFR like a helicopter can because you fly so slow? And if you have an engine failure, like what happens? Do you just sort of float to the ground?

Do you slowly let these like let the air out of the balloon? Because I drove by the Rose Bowl and it was getting pretty fucking soupy out there. And those guys didn't seem like they gave a shit or weren't concerned. So maybe the network was like, you fly to the end of the game. Well, you'll never fly a Zeppelin again. You understand me? All right. That's the podcast.

Enjoy the music and afterward we'll have a bonus bonus. A bonus half hour episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. Oh Hey In the morning We don't paint you up in a suit Then it wasn't obvious

Oh, the name and number Oh, my cares and wonder Oh Hey Hey Oh Hey We was just a kid

In the care of all the lonely lines We're so jolly to find Forever's paradise Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 5th The first Monday of the fucking year I gave you an extra one That was for all of January

Sort of held the note, didn't I? I got to fuck yourself Whatever, another year Another year has started I got to be honest with you It's still Sunday And I'm watching the tail end of the Dallas Detroit game I already know who wins

There's only a minute 29 left And I was watching the game in real time And Dallas scored to go up 24 to 20 So I ran upstairs to cut myself a little piece of apple pie Like the fat fuck that I'm becoming quickly And I was in such a rush I took the fucking... Sorry for the echo

I'm downstairs And we don't have enough furniture What do you want from me? It's a goal of mine At some point In 2015 Once I'm done paying for all the fucking horseshit That I had done down here

Once I get that out of the way Maybe I can afford a fucking chair So anyway, so I run up there All right Like a typical football fit Half a run, half a waddle Breathing through my mouth after three stairs After I had the audacity to scream at the fucking TV

You know, like fuck her Catch the fucking ball Can't even run up ten fucking stairs Winded You know First two steps I'm running like a 12 second 40 By the time I get to the fifth step

I'm running like a 60 second 40 It's just going downhill So get up there Chop myself out a piece of pie I didn't even do that I took the lid off the thing The glass lid thing that our neighbors got us As a house warming gift

And I wasn't even looking And I said it half on the counter Half into air And it just shattered all over the place I gotta tell you Sweeping it up I could tell how expensive it was You know, people can tell you

That something made out of glass is expensive But you don't realize how expensive it is Until you break it And you're sweeping it up And you feel that weight in the dust pan Like ah, that was some quality glass So I already know That the cowboys hang on

To win this fucking game Because buddy of mine, Keith texted me And what kills me The lovely Nia walking through And what kills me is All it takes is one person to walk in the room I completely lose my train of thought That's what kills me

What the fuck kills me What the fuck was I just talking about? Nia, is this another ADD thing? What? Shut up Easy as B-I-L-L-L-B-U-R Fucking douchebag What was he talking about?

God damn it, what the fuck was I talking about? Nia, don't walk in the room When I'm doing the podcast, alright? Nia, fucking I was going good there Oh Jesus Alright Anyways, let's try to retrace our steps Alright, I'm a winded fat guy

I'm running up the stairs Cowboys are up I break the lid This is some quality glass I go to fucking sweep it up And I ended with You know what kills me? And I have no idea

So evidently it wasn't killing me So I was exaggerating I'm already fucking bitching In 2015, that's the heater Hey, can you shut off the fucking heat please? Yo I swear to fucking God Can you shut off the

What is wrong with you? Can you shut off the heat please? I did shut it off Thank you What does that sound? What is wrong with you? You sound like it I like, there's something about the echo

I feel like I'm in a locker room You don't have to talk so loud though It's fun No, it isn't Well, it's fun for me And this is my podcast Hey, you want a podcast without screaming Why don't you go fucking record one?

Sorry If you got looks could kill You know what, Nia, you gotta get out I got fucking ADD I start looking at you You gotta get the fuck out of here So I can do the fucking podcast Either grab a microphone

Or fucking beat it Jesus How much are the other cowboys here? Fuck, let's just go with this You know what I love Whenever a fucking NFL team wins A playoff game And then they cut to the owner's box

And it's always like 12 fat white guys And J crew pull over sweaters Like They're all fucking excited Woo You know, they all got a fucking Their assistants are all carrying for them Bring that fucking booger sugar

Over to the fucking yacht Your piece of shit Maybe I'll actually tip you You're working for free Someday you're gonna work your way up In this facility And they go down to the fucking Where you park a fucking boat

Down the yacht Not down the fucking docks Right You get down there, okay They tell their wives that they got some Whatever the fuck they say And then they go down there They got their side piece

You know Some fucking chick from Switzerland Got her hair combed over in her face Like Aliyah, that chick from that movie With the rabbit that was a cartoon But talked to the fucking guy Who looked like Bert Young Who framed Roger Rabbit there, right?

And what do they do? They fucking break it out The chicks just sit there They're psyched Alright, they're doing blow They're not gonna want to fuck And they all are again Look at them

Jesus, look at the guy in the red sweater That's all stress eating You know why that guy in the red sweater Was that fat? Not because he's gluttonous Because he had to deal with Jerry Jones Wanting to draft fucking Johnny Manziel And he had to fucking talk him out of it

You know And he just had ice cream and short ribs For the rest of the fucking year After he dodged that bullet So anyways Anyways, let me shut off the fucking TV Because this is gonna be too goddamn distracting By the way, how many fucking football games

Are professional football players gonna watch Where they see a fucking jerk off Fumble the ball And then the defensive player Rather than just falling on the fucking thing He's gotta pick it up And try to be a goddamn star And what happens?

Either you don't pick it up It fucking squirts away Or you fucking get it slapped out of your hands Unbelievable Anyways, listen Congratulations to the Dallas Cowboys And to their fans And you know what?

To Tony Romo Because God knows he would have got blamed For that entire fucking loss I'll tell you that guy, man I don't know what it is about him You know, he got all the fucking tools He ain't just got the smarts, man That's what the fucking is

I'm here one time A long time ago I had a ranch Before my fucking divorce You want to talk about Big D? Fuck Dallas Used to see me when I played this fucking twat Goddamn bitch

Sitting on the fucking porch all day Why don't you cut up some vegetables And put them in a pot With a piece of shit She wouldn't do it I tried sweet talking to Mark Shut the fuck up And let me finish the story

This is my story This is my fucking state That fucking Tony Romo Let me tell you right now He got a look in his eye Like he a pheasant But he smells a rat You know what I'm saying?

Stupid Southern expressions I swear to God That boy That boy would fuck a cow If he saw a road runner Coming up to a goddamn snake balls And that's true too You can put that right

So anyways, they've been fucking with this guy For so goddamn long He's had like a million fucking Offensive coordinators The problem is What's his face? Jerry Jones is an owner Okay, he's got

You know, you ever see a quarterback He's got little happy feet in the pocket Dancing around He can't feel the rush But he knows it's coming Got a bad feeling about this one, man Right, he's just fucking Sitting there like that dude in platoon

Rather than planting his fucking feet Checking down the fucking receivers, right? Like I would do If I was tall and had talent Anyways He's got happy feet as a fucking owner Anybody come down the fucking pipe That's done anything in fucking football

That's got a little disco ball Hanging over it He's fucking He can't get enough of it He cannot get enough of it If he would just relax And let the coaches coach And the players play

Okay, maybe slow down That elevator ride Down to the fucking field I think Dallas would be A lot further down the road Okay You gotta stop blaming Your stepson Tony Romo

Whatever Anyways, congratulations To the Dallas Cowboys To their fans And to that officiating crew That decided somewhere About four and a half minutes to go Like, hey, what do you say

Dallas wins this game? Huh? You got it? You like that? Three, ready, break, boom How the fuck was that Not passing interference? Guys running down the field

Like he's out of gas In the middle of nowhere Flagging down a fucking car That's coming from the other direction Clear-cut case Oh, fucking passing interference They don't, they pick up the flag They pick it up

The Dallas gets the fucking ball And there's more passing interference They don't pick up that flag I don't know I don't know I'm not saying it was fixed I would never say that I'm just saying it, not with bait

I'm a football But I just feel that There was a, you know I just wouldn't, you know Come on Can you let the players win The fucking game? I don't know

What the fuck are you gonna do Anyways, me and Paul Verzi Went round And we were playing And we were playing And we were playing And we were playing Me and Paul Verzi went round

And fucking round this week About some sport shit This is what This is the kind of guy When you listen to the Paul Verzi effect The Verzi effect podcast This is the level of intellect Of this man

I know he's gonna get pissed at me I always do this Because then he trashes me On his podcast So here we go This is my side of the argument This is like listening To your parents argue

Through podcasting He fucking texts me He said I think Cam Newton's gonna have A big day today Talking about when they're playing The Arizona Cardinals Alright

And this is the deal Paul Verzi said Cam Newton was gonna be a beast In the NFL Classic Paul Verzi pick He picks this fucking guy Who nobody's ever heard of Just like a 12th round pick

I mean practically off the fucking board And he just saw something in this guy I don't know what it was I don't know if it was the national Championship And the Heisman Trophy I don't know what tipped him off To the fact that he thought that this guy

Was gonna be a good player But Paul Verzi he sees things And this is what he would say Well you know a lot of fucking Heisman Trophy winners don't pan out Anyways Why don't you pick the second rounder Who's gonna pan out

Instead of hitching your fucking Wagon to this guy Who's got his goddamn ear staple To the side of his fucking head Alright so anyways The nerve of me the way I look To criticize that guy Looks like a superman right

Anyways So I put on the fucking game And lo and behold The fucking Arizona Cardinals They got a third string quarterback in there I mean God bless him But the fucking guy threw a screen pass And he fell down

He looked like me After a couple of beers Alright of course he's gonna have A big fucking day I know Arizona has a good defense Alright Carolina fans Fucking relax Alright but when the opposing teams

Fucking QB is falling down Because he threw the football You gotta know there's gonna be A lot of three and outs At which points Arizona's defense Is gonna tire out At which point Carolina's Gonna have their way with them

And I'll tell you when you start doing stuff Like that you're gonna have a big Fucking day in the future And you know football league Anyways I didn't actually watch a lot I didn't watch a lot of sports But Verzi was driving me up the This is what he did

Granted he was fucking boozing it up last night But he fucking texted me And you know I trashed him About how he said That Babe Ruth is the greatest Fucking baseball player of all time Which is absolutely fucking Ridiculous

And fuck all you baseball historians Okay I'm gonna take out your reams And reams of fucking stats Alright Here's the fucking news I was just thinking What's his face in

What the fuck Not Desperado What's it called Reservoir Dogs Now here's news Looks like Sam Fucking hot Carl on out there Chris Penn

One of my favorites of all time This man This man who did his time He did it like a man It's just gonna decide Out of the fucking blue Um To rip us off

Fuckin I talked my way out of it Now I don't remember what the fuck I was just saying Oh Jesus Christ The fuck was I Oh Verzi yeah yeah yeah Okay if all you fucking historians Okay

If your guy played When only white guys were allowed to play Take 30% of those stats And as the rock says Turn it up sideways and shove it Straight up your candy ass Cause they don't fucking count Okay

They don't fucking count Babe Ruth Fucking guys getting shit face Bangin hookers the night before the game Then he goes out Throws a no hitter And hits four fucking homeruns in the same game Though that's like a beer league

You know what I mean Give me a fucking break Don't you think it's weird That that guy played a hundred fucking years ago And since he played There's never been another guy Who could even remotely come close to doing that To winning 20 games in a season

And hitting 50 fucking homeruns Jackson couldn't even do that And that guy's arguably a hall of fame athlete In two different professional sports He couldn't even fucking do that You put him on the mound He would have got fucking shelled Give me a fucking break

Here's another thing too I don't know if you guys have noticed this shit But once they let Quote unquote The rest of everybody play Did you notice what happened to the white population In everything but hockey It fucking plummeted

All right But when Babe Ruth played Those fucking guys stayed in the league He had me playing fucking shortstop He's no better, see He's no better Listen I'm not saying Babe Ruth wouldn't hit fucking six

I'll give him 600 homeruns Okay, I'm not giving him over 700 I'm not fucking doing it Okay Yeah, yeah, yeah He maybe could have taken Mariano Rivera deep But not every fucking time Jesus fucking Christ

Give me a fucking break One of stand-up comedy was only white guys You know Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby Fucking Eddie Murphy Just all of those guys All of them out the fucking window Give me a fucking

It's the stupidest fucking argument I've ever heard in my fucking life And then to act like When you actually let everybody fucking play That the competition isn't way more intense Way more fucking intense And to sit there and say like Dude, the guys aren't base percentage

Shut the fuck up Shut, I don't want to I don't even want to fucking hear Dude, I'll tell you And that goes for everybody I'm not just picking our white guys here Fuck Will Chamberlain's 100 points in a game All right

I find Kobe Bryant scoring over 80 points Like two, three fucking years ago Was way more impressive Than scoring 100 points You know, dunking on Bob Cousy Not saying that he's not a fucking Hall of Famer But I'm just saying, come on Give me a fucking break

Ah, Jesus, I'm on a fucking tirade here And the one that kills me His verse he calls me up He goes, yo, he goes Yannis Papas I don't know if you guys have ever seen him He's absolutely fucking hilarious Okay

He said, Yannis Papas is destroying Your Babe Ruth argument right now You're getting killed by Yannis Papas Which is fucking hilarious to me It's like, Paul, how am I getting killed? I'm not there to fucking I'm not there to hear it I'm not there to defend myself

This guy's out there, he's punching at the air Okay This is the thing about a character Like Paul Verzi and Yannis Papas All right These fresh-faced little kids They were born in the late 70s, early fucking 80s And they don't know a fucking thing that happened

Before the first George Bush administration They don't know shit They're the video game generation They're rubbing one out to some fucking porn site They grew up with a screen in their face Okay I'm telling you, go out to one of their shows See the look in their eye

If they're twitching up there This is what I would say to Verzi Whenever Verzi starts to annoy me And I know it's his age I just say, Paul, why don't you do me a favor Why don't you go over there And go get yourself a malt And sit down and think about what you said

Okay And I actually texted him Told him to do that And I said, why are you at it Why don't you go fucking buy Yannis Papas 1-2 And if either one of you are listening to this clip The next time I am in New York Are you fucking cunts are out here

Okay We'll all go out We'll have a couple, two or three And I will listen to your fucking argument I want you to explain to me How a man who never had to face The Pedro Martinez back then The Mariana Rivera, the Josh Kips

All of those guys off the fucking table Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking five on three The whole goddamn game You scored a goal Oh my god, that's impressive The fucking guy, he pitched no hitters And hit 50 home runs I mean, give me a fucking break

He's a fat fuck That's what kills me Dude, you know what He's fucking hand-eye coordination Oh my god Get the fuck out of here Jesus Christ I mean, look at the fucking 1920s

They didn't even know how to have sound In a movie yet And then when they did it They were like, man, let me tell you Why, I oughta That was acting And people got awards for that He played baseball during that fucking time

Okay, let me tell you something If you played baseball When your fucking card Your baseball card was in a cigar box Go fuck yourself Okay, I'm not saying that you couldn't play today Okay, but take 30% of your stats Turn them up sideways

And shove them up your fucking candy ass Because I don't want to fucking hear it All right, Paul Verzi Talking about his hand-eye coordination Paul Verzi's also the fucking guy who told me C-biscuit was an unbelievable athlete A fucking horse And you know why he said that?

Because somebody on ESPN Paul, you got to get on this podcast Because I'm actually getting guilty I'm fucking trashing you so bad But I'm not For the simple fact that you said Somebody was killing me When I wasn't even there to be killed

Who knows? Giannis might kill me Who knows? He might You know, he's got that ethnic name Who the fuck knows? He knows how to make some fucking Baklavaak by fucking hand

Maybe he knows some shit about baseball I would love to have either one of you Fresh-faced kids convince me How without a doubt Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player Ball fucking time And I'll tell you right now I don't want to hear a fucking word

About those stats Jesus Christ Look at fucking basketball If you didn't let black people in basketball There'd be like three people in the league Dude, I gotta tell you Crazy leg Johnson's back in the 40s He scored 120 points

Oh, God All right I know I know I fucking beat it to death But I just had to make the point Speed Slashbur

All right Okay, okay, okay Where the hell are we? Let's get back to the podcast here All right A couple of things I gotta give a shout out to Stuart Scott Everybody, man

That guy One of the absolute legends of ESPN And watching that guy over the years As he was fighting cancer Just the way he went after it, man I really, I mean, I hope I never get it But if I ever do I hope I go at it the way that guy did it

Because that guy went out like a man That's all I'm gonna say Stuart Scott gonna miss ya Anyways, and then I got some good news Is Nick DePaolo A comedian that everybody should be Everybody should know And every time they make those dumb fucking lists

Okay, who's happening Who's now Who's this Who's that comedy Nick DePaolo should be on that fucking list I don't care how short that list is This guy is a comics comic And I'm actually excited

If you've never heard of the guy Because you're gonna get to discover the guy And I can give you Like one of the best comics in the fucking country That not enough people know about Nick DePaolo has a brand new special out I'm gonna send you the link And all of that type of stuff

We'll have that up on the podcast page And if you'd like to Google and search him It's Nick And then DePaolo is D-I And then Space Capital P-A-O-L-O Nick DePaolo Absolutely fucking fearless And I did a tour with him a long time ago

I told this story when I did Nick and Artie's show A long time ago I did the Montreal Comedy Festival And the Montreal Comedy Festival Just for laughs is like huge up in Canada But people are starting to get to know him down here But they had no idea who they were like 10 years ago When I went on this fucking tour

And it was a sick tour too It was Nick DePaolo, me, Greg Geraldo Rest of Soul, Tom Papa, Gary Gilman Who else was on it? It was just a killer bunch of comics All great guys Everybody having a good time And I used to watch Nick when Nick would go out there

All of a sudden his chin would drop down to his chest And he wouldn't be looking through his eyebrows And he would just be going back and forth Looking through the crowd All the way from stage right Slowly all the way to stage left Stage left, slowly back All the way over to stage right

I used to watch him do this every fucking night As he's telling these killer jokes I'm like what the fuck is he doing when he's backstage His head is, you know, he's got level flight here He goes out there, his nose down What the fuck is going on, right? And I finally realized what it was Because the material he did

Inevitably somebody was going to scream out at him So what he was doing was he was ducking down He was shielding his face, his eyes from the stage light So he could see who said what So he could tear him a new fucking asshole I think I said on Artie's show He was like a security camera Just going back and forth

He's one of my favorite comics of all time And he's a great fucking guy So anyways, when I do the Patrice O'Neill benefit Next month, I'm going to try to get him on He's out here I know he did Joe Rogan's He did Adam Corolla's And I think he did Jay Moore's podcast too

He was trying to set something up with me But he was all backed up or whatever It just didn't work out between us So that sucks for me And my podcast and my listeners But I promise you I'm going to get him on Probably in the next month I got to make it happen

Because it would be an honor to have him on He's just fucking awesome So anyways, moving on Alright, well I went to another Rose Bowl everybody And I think I'm just now starting to recover First of all, what a fucking game I just doubt the, like the Rose Bowl Is already unbelievable

But to add that whole playoff fucking atmosphere to it Was just insane And this year, me and all the guys We got over there We were so fucking organized this year We had fucking everything We had fucking everything Food, booze, other stuff

Jason Law had put on a display Of tailgate cooking That it was, he had a career year That's what we were saying He had a breakout It was just fucking unbelievable It was the best breakfast sandwich I ever had Then he made these ribs that were unbelievable

Then we went to the game And at the end of the game It was freezing out by then And we were smart That's how smart we were We brought a quart of wood And one of the grills We turned into just like a fire pit

And everybody else who was waiting for the traffic All these people were coming and gathering Around our little fire Going, you guys are smart Oh, this is really smart What I left out is we brought everything except fire We forgot to bring a lighter They were bringing the grills

And they were bringing the charcoal So I assumed that they were going to bring the fucking lighter And I brought the lighter every year So I guess that one was on me I don't know what But other than that It was a, it was another amazing time And it was fucking hilarious

We basically, we get into the game Got in on time Because it's a fucking playoff game, right? And there was so many people getting tickets That I couldn't get four together I got two and two So we were like a couple rows Two, three rows in front of Bartnick and Lawhead

And we're sitting there, you know And I'm pretty, I'm not as bad as I was last year But I was fucking, I was feeling no playing All right, I was definitely More than dehydrated at that point And all of a sudden I see security Walking out with Jason Lawhead And there's no Joe Bartnick

And Jay is looking at him over at me With his hands like up like what the fuck And he's yelling at me And I'm going, Jay Jay, where they taking? I mean like, I'm in the middle of this fucking row There's like 30 people on one side, 30 on the other This old school stadium, right?

Total fucking fire hazard, right? I'm like, Jay, where you going, Jay? And he's fucking yelling at me, I can't hear And that you're whisking him out so fast There's nothing I could do Other than I just keep going Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, where they taking? He's looking at me like what the fuck

Turns out, I don't know Bartnick was outside He was in the stadium but outside the stands I guess he had sat down or something And nodded off And when he came to There was like fucking 20 cops surrounding him Because he's such a big guy I thought they were like

Whether this guy starts swinging with fuck And they went down there and they told I guess they looked at his ticket And they went up to get Jason That's what they did And they said he's been over-served Which is the understatement for all of us For 2015

And law had to his credit The only thing he did better than cooking Was talk his way out of that He just kept going Like come on, look at the guy He's a teddy bear He's not hurting anybody He's going to go up there

He's going to sit down He's going to be He just kept saying he's a teddy bear And Joe was just looking Hey, I'm a teddy bear Next thing you know They fucking let him in Law had the politician get him to his seat

He sits in his seat And then promptly fucking passes out Some lady behind the law head goes Hey, you're going to have to get him out of here And Jay just looked at him and said Hey, come on He's not hurting anybody He's a teddy bear

Okay, listen And she fucking jawed back at him And Jay was just like Listen, tell you what If you just watch the game You're not even going to see him Okay, I mean, I can wake him up If you want me to, I'll wake him up

I don't think you're going to like it But I can't wake him up And people just started laughing And it was over And we had a wonderful time Seeing two of the top college football programs Play each other It was a hell of a game

Through two and a half quarters And then Oregon I got to give a shout out to the Ducks Just for shutting up the FSU band That I didn't have to hear That fucking Tomahawk chop again And I, dude, I fucking called it That band knows three songs

They know the school song They play something else And then everything else The whole fucking game And it was, I mean, I don't know I would like to see a little bit of a closer game But I really enjoyed the fact That they shut that band up

Not that it gets FSU I actually really like the Seminoles And I've always loved that program But somewhere along the line That Tomahawk chopped just fucking It would be like at the Red Sox Like, you know how awful it is When they sing sweet Caroline

Just imagine if they did that Between every fucking inning I mean, you'd want to kill yourself, right? If you were any sort of a human being And that includes being a Red Sox fan Because I want to jump off the fucking monster When I hear that fucking song just once And you're looking around

And fucking women putting their head On the fucking guy's shoulder It's just like, ah I don't know Well, maybe I don't know Maybe I should be a little more positive About just this shit like that I have no idea

What else? So it's a new year Do I have any New Year's resolutions? Yeah, I'm actually going to It's fucking hilarious with this podcast I'm going to try to lose my shit A little bit less Especially when I drive

I um You know what really I know this is an old comedy bit here But what really fucking bothers me This is the, you know Rather than just saying straight across the board I'm going to lose I'm going to stop losing my shit

When I drive I'm just picking moments Like, you know what I'm not going to Flip out about anymore It's when this traffic on the highway And that person in front of you Leaves like a four car gap In front of them

I'm just pausing right now For anybody who just wanted to go like Oh, I fucking hate that guy I know I fucking hate that guy too We all hate that fucking guy Unless you are that guy Is anybody that guy

Who listens to this podcast And for the sanity Of the other 98% Of the people on the planet Can you please explain Your fucking rationale No, no, I'm not going to lose my shit Can you please explain

Your mindset as to why you feel That you have to leave that big of a gap You know And I was actually sitting behind this guy And I was starting to lose my shit And I go, I'm not going to lose my shit And I just sat in my head This guy

Rather than saying he's texting Rather than saying he's a moron I just said this guy's gotten into a major accident And he broke his fucking hip And he doesn't want it to happen again So he's letting other people go Okay Just fucking

And I hate that whole mentality Like why, I mean what are we actually saving In the end of the day I mean what's another car length You know what it is It's soothing Okay It's a cold drink of water

On a hot summer's day Just to move another fucking foot You know what, that's what I'm going to do Is anybody out there One of those fucking people Can you please explain to me Why you do that? Maybe if I know why you do that

Then I can actually understand you more As a person And then I won't be beside myself Because you don't see the world the way I do How about that, is that more mature? And why we're at it? People out here in LA Who ride bicycles in those clusters

Of 20 fucking people Like you're having a bike race That nobody else wants Nobody else knows about Why do you feel that you're allowed To ride out on the road like that I've asked cops You're not allowed to do that

Or why do you ride side by side The two of you So you can shoot the shit And you're slowing people down behind you I'm just asking Don't you feel it's a little hypocritical If you want the fucking car to share the road That you don't share the fucking road

And while we're at it Why are you dressed up with like Sponsors on you Like anybody's paying you to ride that fucking Ah, Jesus Christ There goes the temper Alright, let's get to some questions here For the week

The Rose Bowl, everybody Oh, dude, I'll tell you right now If you're gonna pick a beer To start the day with I'm telling you Miller High Life Ah, and you gotta get it in the bottle Oh my god, the sun's just coming up

We got it at 7.04 in the fucking morning It was freezing cold out There was a frost on the fairways I'm telling you guys You gotta fucking do this, okay You don't gotta go to the Rose Bowl Fucking pick something That you and all your dumb guy friends do

Or you and all your dumb fucking women friends Just you gotta have that one thing You do every year You gotta have that I don't give a fuck What kind of responsibility you got You gotta have that one fucking thing So anyways, we got that

The frost was on the fucking fairways I actually said this year When I got out I said, hey guys, guys, guys Take this in right here This is the best part of the tailgate It's the beginning And this time tomorrow

You're gonna wish that That this fucking moment Actually, no You're gonna be too hungover Three days later When you get all the poison out of your system You're gonna be fucking longing for that feeling Dude, we get out of that truck

Ear-to-ear fucking grins And then Bartnick's got this thing That he yells out to everybody To the entire parking lot I don't want to say what it is Because he yells it so fucking loud And so far nobody's ever found our fucking tailgate Which has been great

Because we make a spectacle of ourselves You gotta do it Let's read this thing here Dear Billy Football Love the podcast You knew it was special It was nothing short of amazing Thank you very much

And thank you everybody Who's been watching it Re-watching it And telling other people To watch my new special You people are all the same I'm sorry Jesus Christ I'm sorry you feel that way

Oh Jesus, Bill I really appreciate it Because this one has been getting The best response And that makes me look good With the people I'm in business with Over there at Netflix So you guys did me a solid

I really appreciate it All right Anyways, anyways Here we go Anyway, I had a question About your Rose Bowl outing last weekend The game itself was great From that opening Oregon drive

When Marriotta I hope that's how you say his name It's two Heisman Toffee winners I didn't even know their fucking names I was so busy this year I was so hammered I even had a fucking program I had no idea

Marriotta pitched it to the guy Who somersaulted to the one-yard line And later completed the two-point conversion Oh that was great in the beginning To famous James Flopping around fumbling for an Oregon Touchdown late in the third It was just a great game

And I was thoroughly jealous You were there You're obviously an Oregon Ducks fan My question is Can you share with us A couple of your favorite moments From this year's Rose Bowl I kind of did that

But there's probably some more I'm sure you had You and the Goon Squad You roll around with Got in some funny situations Of conflicts P.S. I saw a lawhead In Bartnick in Boston

For the All Things Comedy Tour They were great guys And had the pleasure of sitting With Bartnick at the bar While Jay crushed it on stage Cool dudes I would love to drink And smoke stoves

With you all sometime Happy New Year And go fuck yourself You apron-wearing cunt Ah, that was a good one, you bastard I think I've already told the The stories Yeah, throwing the football

And the food I mean, I don't know I was pretty sober But I was kind of a consistent level Like blacked out I don't know what What was it this year Just the whole fucking thing

You know, it was cool Was watching a father With his two sons And he was playing automatic QB And teaching his kid The cornerback to get inside You know, inside the receiver And watching the big brother

Older brother fucking rivalry Reminding me when I was a kid I sat there smiling Drinking a beer Probably looked like a pedophile But I was actually thinking Nothing but clean stuff Everybody looks like a pedophile now

I don't know I gotta be honest with you The whole fucking days It got damn blur I remember most of the game I did I passed out a little bit In the first quarter

For about a minute and a half Football time And then the second quarter For about a minute and a half But other than that You know, I crushed waters For the rest of the fucking game I didn't have any beers afterwards

Because I had to drive And that's by then You know, we stayed there Till like 8.39 o'clock at night So by then I haven't drank In like eight hours So I'm actually so sober I'm fucking hung over at that point

So anyways, Australian beaches Bill You talk about sharks And how they eat people constantly Is this going to keep you Out of the water in Australia? Ah, you know what? I'd love to say yes

But I know if we have time My wife loves the ocean And I gotta be honest with you I've never seen beaches like in Australia Last time I was there Which was two years ago This past October I was in Sydney

And we took a walk along the coastline And it was really rough waters and stuff But it was so fucking beautiful The only thing that stopped me was It was freezing cold out In the rough water And I'm fucking terrified of, you know You're swimming in the ocean

It's fucking alive, okay? You're swimming in a pool There's nothing in there that can eat you And then also like There's no like undercurrent Rip tide and all of that shit You know, the ocean just doesn't Itself doesn't decide that it wants to kill you

Will I go into it? Yeah, probably But no more than up to my waist And then I'll go back And I'll be freaking out That there's something fucking swimming along there I do have to tell you Since flying helicopters

You can't believe what the fuck is out there Just off the shore Everything from like, you know A group of porpoises Jumping out of the fucking water Which is cool to see And then you'll just see some big fucking thing By itself

And you're like, was that a shark? Is that a whale? What the fuck is that? And you'll look like diagonally up Like, I don't know About a half a mile And there's a bunch of people sitting on surfboards Waiting to fucking catch a wave

And I am I'm all set on that I'm all fucking set on that So anyways Baking Hey, jeez I'm fucking tearing through these goddamn questions Hold on, we got 46 minutes in

Okay, plus I got some other topics I can talk about Anyways, baking Bill, I'm a 34-year-old husband And father Of a two-year-old boy My work had And our family is doing well The hard work does take a toll

And at the end of the day I have a hard time winding down Because work is always racing through my mind Hearing about you baking Gave me the idea to try to save Ah, Jesus Look what I'm doing to men in this country Here's another guy going to go buy an apron

Don't even listen to these fucking assholes One of the coolest things you can do Is go out in the kitchen And make a fucking killer goddamn meal I swear to God We applauded Jason Lawhead more Than we did those fucking teams The level this guy was cooking

Alright, I guess it's more manly shit Because it's out on an open flame All of that type of shit Put on a fucking apron Make a goddamn pie And pan sear a fucking pork chop And then talk to me Anyways, at night

Now, after my kid goes to bed And my wife and I are hanging out I'll make a bread or a pie Every night, dude, you're going to be a house He goes, I'm getting really particular About my techniques now And take pride in the little things It's very zen, absolutely

One in five or six baking sessions I'll take a small hit off a joint And it's a perfect evening Thanks for exposing me to the idea And laughing at yourself from people on Twitter Make comics about you being some type of sally I got to be honest with you That shit always makes me laugh

Anybody calls me twinkle toes or a sally That has always fucking made me laugh I don't give a fuck And he says, anyways, it beats getting One of those small Japanese rock gardens From my desk, thanks and go fuck yourself Yeah, that's great, man I would just be careful about making pies

And bread every day You'll be a fucking house But I don't know, man I'm actually going to try to learn Some vegetarian main courses So I can offset Everything else that I'm learning how to do Like I want to learn how to make a fucking

A Sunday gravy Because I already know how to make pasta Homemade pasta And I'm going to get a ravioli maker And I'm going to do something like that Or make some rigatoni Rig a fucking ant knee over there And I'm going to, I want to make a Sunday gravy

Or something like that Which I'm dying to do I'm kind of afraid of canned tomatoes Because I know then they don't taste good And they're also, they're really bad for you And all I have I have two tomato plants Out my front yard

And you know What they yield, I fucking eat I don't jar any of those things But I'm obviously, I'm like a closet Fucking Italian here Because I actually want to get A decent number of tomato plants Out my front yard

And then just fucking You know As they become right Obviously pick them And then I was going to, you know Skin the fucking things And then mush them into a jar And then jar them

And then have tomatoes for my sauce All fucking year That's what I want to do Rather than getting these fucking tomatoes I've been in cans for years And God knows what they do to you You know You hear shit, right

So anyways Congratulations, sir It's a great thing to do And any young people Out there, all right Men and women Women Cooking is a lost fucking art

I don't know why you guys Ever stopped doing it Nothing will shut your guy up Fucking quicker Than making him a great goddamn meal Here, eat it And go fuck yourself It's over

He's going to have that in his head This is not new information Women knew that a long time ago Then somewhere along the line When they started growing out Their fucking snatched hair And they quit And they started getting

Growing out their fucking snatched hair And they quit using deodorant And burning their bras That whole fucking thing You know They forgot some good things Like hey You know, make the guy a fucking sandwich

Every once in a while Watch him shut the fuck up He just won't do it But anyways Guys I'm telling you I'm telling you right now All right

I'm telling you If I could fucking cook the way I cook Now back when I was a single fucking man I would have been over One of my big regrets in life I didn't learn how to make a pie crust Until I was in a committed relationship God damn it

What an asshole A girlfriend says Girlfriend keeps sex tape From previous relationship everybody All right See where this one's going Okay, oh This one has

Oh Jesus written all over it Hey Bill I've been listening for the past three years I love the podcast Especially when you freak out And throw tantrums And call yourself out by name He says in parentheses

Oh really Bill Yeah I guess I do that Those are the best ones But I have a situation I got a situation That might be of interest to you My girlfriend of almost a year Has a sex tape

My girlfriend of almost a year Has a sex tape with With her previous boyfriend What In the past she was very insecure And weak Very impressionable I believe this is why

She was ever talked into such a thing But maybe I don't give her enough credit I can accept that she made one in her past Her experiences made her who she is Oh Jesus However She made the decision to keep this tape Anyways after the fact

She says I like keeping things that remind me Of people and moments that made me smile Even if they were mistakes And didn't work out Oh go fuck yourself Yeah dude Why don't you try the same thing

Why don't you try the same thing Oh my god What a fuck I gotta stop And applaud her for that fucking lie She also says That she wants to watch this tape As she gets older

Because she will want to remember When she had a great body He said I kind of manipulated her Into showing me this tape What the fuck By telling her that I think it's hot And that it might turn me on She had only been shy about

Mentioning it in the past Kind of teasing But maybe she was just afraid of my reaction And was testing how I was reacting Alright this is my fear sir My fear is That your girlfriend is a freak And she keeps meeting guys

That are not relationship guys So now that She's met you You know this is her own little Fucking freak thing that she kind of keeps And I'm worried that she's going to be doing shit And this guy's going to be doing stuff to her That you have not done or even thought about doing

Okay in other words I'm waiting for you I'm worried you're going to see a load on her face Alright there that's my concern Alright when I saw it I felt so repulsed It was the unsexiest thing I've ever seen alright well

Went the other way She was traumatized too Very traumatized So I kept my cool and calmed her down Before I had to head home Wait a minute So she pops this thing in You guys are both horrified

And did she start crying And then you shut it off It had to be like No no no it was no big deal Well you know I'll call you tomorrow I don't mean to laugh sir But this is supposed to be a funny podcast

So I got to keep the comedy coming in Oh my god Jesus Christ Alright here we go Now she says That I act weird And that she is sorry that she hurt me But she doesn't apologize about keeping this tape

Nor have I asked her to I think it's beside the point If she only does it to appease me Oh she has to get rid of it Because she wants to Is what you're saying Am I reacting out of a bruised macho ego I could never imagine

Keeping a sex tape from another relationship While I'm in a new one Yeah I don't even keep the normal photos Tagged on my Facebook What's your advice And maybe Nia can add her opinion too Since she might think I'm being possessive

Or judgmental It would mean a lot to get your advice Thanks a lot and go fuck yourself Well she's upstairs And he's heard of Marty driving her fucking nuts No dude You're not This is completely fucked up

It's fucked up and it's weird That she would keep that fucking tape It's fucking weird dude Come on man Can you imagine saying that to your girlfriend Hey I got a sex tape from the last woman I used to hook up with But I just keep it you know

Because I like to keep things From my past that you know Remind me of things that I've done Even if they were my mistakes But you know at the end of the day It just kind of makes me smile She would just be dead silence She would just be

What the fuck did you just say And then as you started to talk She'd tell you to shut the fuck up As she proceeded to break up with you Because to me that's like It's bizarre This isn't fair because I'm reading this I didn't hear how she said it

I don't know anything about her But that's fucking bizarre That's just not cool It'd be bad enough if you somehow Found it But at least she had the decency To keep it a secret But the fact that she even fucking

Tells you about her Then it just makes me smile You know like she has a fucking Quilt her grandmother made I don't know dude I don't think you I think you gotta be like Look you need to get fucking

Get rid of that thing Okay that's fucked up Okay and fuck your fragile state Okay fuck your state What about my state Alright Get rid of the fucking thing That's what I would say

Without all the fucks in the anger Get rid of the fucking thing I don't know dude that's fucking weird Alright Next one Oh wait you know let me Read the last bit of advertising And then I'll knock this one out

And I'll bullshit some more And that'll be a podcast for the week Oh for fuck's sakes here we go And I'm gonna use legal zoom When I do it there you go there See you know the right copy for me I fucking do it myself I do it myself

Alright 22 year old hitting on 26 year old manager What the fuck's wrong with that 22 year old hitting on his On 26 year old manager There's nothing wrong with that Hello Bill Long time listener here

And I'm writing to you today For some advice I'm a 23 year old man And currently have the hots For a 26 year old manager Just a little background She's originally from Louisiana And is smoking hot

I love her already She just moved here Around a year ago And always complains to me About being lonely Because she does not know Many people here in Cali Fuck dude

She's laying it right on the table For you what is she gonna do Fucking throw her legs in the air First of all you said you're 22 Now you're telling me you're 23 Anyways She's always being extra nice to me Like buying me

Buying lunches Always checking up on me And staying a while to chat And gives me the eyes from time to time Where do you live in the country You might be mistaking her Southern house hospitality Because you're used to some fucking

Cold east coast women The fuck are you looking at You fucking douchebag Right and all of a sudden she comes up You want a napkin Dude she wants to suck it Just make sure it's not that Anyways

Me considering myself A pretty handsome guy I was thinking if I have a shot Thinking if I have a shot Or what come on guys I suck at reading You gotta proof read these things I was thinking if I have a shot

Or am I just over my head here No you're not Totally have a shot Just this new year She was constantly complaining about She had no invitations to new years Dude this woman is throwing it at you So me making a joke since I also

Did not have any plans said Hey maybe we should hang out And get and drink some wine You think I can have a shot If so how would I go about Hanging out at her place I live with my parents Jesus Or am I taking her kindness for flirting

Ah Jesus dude Jesus We gotta get you in the game Thanks again Bill Great seeing you at the Hey dude You know what we gotta do You know what I'm gonna do right now I gotta get you to stand up straight

Okay Don't ever say maybe You know maybe we should hang out If there's no maybe You gotta tell her Let's hang out Don't say it like that Hang out you dumb bitch

Don't say it like that Yeah just tell her Let's hang out Let's have some fucking wine What do you want to do I'll show you around town I'll say that I'll show you around town

Then you're the fucking friend Jesus Christ I might have been in a relationship This fucking long I would just fucking come up to her And just say listen Wait she's your manager Who gives a fuck dude

You're 23 Have you fucked a manager yet You gotta fuck one boss And see what that does To your fucking professional And personal life You learn that lesson You'll be a better man because of it

You just gotta fucking She's already thrown it at you You gotta tell her you're gonna hang out Then you gotta fucking out too Because she's your boss Be like hey we can't do Fucking hot and heavy here Because they had the whole business thing right

Plus she's three four years older than you You know what I mean I think she's just looking For somebody to fucking hang out with And give her a nice one You know what I'm saying Jesus Christ Bill that was fucking That was very pigish

That was very pigish But you're totally in the game Okay She's smoking hot She's got that southern accent This is fucking killing It's killing me right now That you're not banging her yet

Alright And you know what Whoever fucking Any fucking woman who's offended By saying that too That I said that Alright Jesus Christ Can they fucking bitch anymore

Good lord Every fucking two days on the internet There's another article about What men are doing wrong I'm gonna give women In general advice And stop rolling your fucking eyes at me Okay you're getting makeup

All over your eyebrows Alright listen to me This is what you need to do Stop telling men That you don't give a fuck anymore About what they think Okay the mere fact that you're taking the time To do that

Means you give a fuck Just fucking Do your own shit You sick of guys running shit Start your own shit For the life of me I don't know why They don't go out and start their own shit

More often Look at it Look at the fucking women I guess in my business I can think of like three right now Who's fucking Rather than sitting around No good roles for women

They sat down and wrote a fucking script And got the fucking thing made And now they're calling the shots That's what you do Actually man a woman That's what the fuck you do But this whole fucking bullshit Where you sit there

And You say what's wrong with your life By criticizing the other sex All that Okay My recorder shit the bed Or God is a feminist

Pick either one I just listened to the beginning of the podcast And heard that I did say June 5th Instead of January 5th So I'm sure you guys are all attacking me On Twitter now Enjoying Making fun of me

Yet again this year Happy New Year to everybody Go fuck yourselves up We have a wonderful week Happy New Year to You You Me

You Send the Trans You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You