Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-22

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

Bill rambles about the glorified keg party at the Capitol, sleep, and transitioning.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast at Just check it in on you. I'm just checking to see How you doing? I hope you're doing great. How about that? There's something nice. I Don't care what color tie you're wearing. Oh wait a minute happy Insurrection anniversary day Aka the keg party gone wrong Jesus Christ, man. They're fucking putting the screws to those people people getting four years five years

You know, I don't know What do you know I gotta be honest with you if you're gonna keep your own people that's stupid You can't get upset that every once in a while they're gonna storm the castle All right, I think we should have taken a as Americans we should have taken a long hard look At the lit the stupidity that had gathered and all agreed with one another And realized that we really need to put more funds into public schools or whatever We need people to have you know, they need to be more learned You know I'm saying don't

Um Yeah, that was just a sea of idiots and Regardless of political beliefs before people think that this is gonna be some O'billy fucking blue bra, Hollywood lefty leaning thing. I don't like to get extreme left either Oh, look at you, Bill. Oh, you one of those guys who says he's right down the middle. I am Right up your fucking ass right down the middle Um That's what if I was the judge I just want to talk to you know, some of those people they got all the way in there

That was a funny thing. They didn't think they were gonna get that far and then they got they got all the way in there They're sitting at the desk of the people that they didn't like that they wanted to talk to they didn't know what to do That was like the Joker I'm a dog chasing a car. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught it That's what happened to him. Then they sat at the desk. They're like, uh America Just started tipping over stuff and smear and shit on the wall They literally acted like a bunch of animals that got out of a fucking zoo

Man that would be the shit to be the judge on one of those I'd act like I was presiding and doing all that but really I'd be trying to get all kinds of inside scoop You know, I just be like Hey for real like Like what were you thinking? Like how far did you put like how far ahead were you think were you just like in a zone? Like a dumb person's own right foot and now left foot and right foot keep walking towards that thing that I'm mad at Um

You know, I don't know All I can say is thank God they will you know for the most part they were all white people so they won't be in jail long Anyway You know, I don't want to sit there and trash him the whole time But I got to say they they fucking got real close They got real close. They just picked the wrong century If they got that far in the 17 or 1800s well 1700s it wouldn't have been there I don't know how we built the capital the 1800s if they got that far. They would have been running shit for at least the afternoon

couple of days For people showed up with fucking muskets and stuff But that's back then when you could fight people off It was a lot easier back then to overthrow a government, you know what I mean? All you needed was a couple of your dear hunting friends and a good plan Little Ted offensive redneck style you could get right in there you could do it Can't do that anymore the technology is too good, which is why I always crack up when I hear

The gun people say they want their guns, you know come and get them. It's just like all right. Well, you know We don't want to kill you but you know we have the technology to have a nerd Who can't even do a pull-up three states away? Fly a drone over to your house and vaporize you while you're eating Frito dip before you even know you're under attack I mean we could do that If we chose Um There's one upside all of this, you know if those people actually succeeded

If you could block out the Confederate flag on the money That guy with the buffalo head would look pretty good, you know right down the middle Mean if I was like a tourist they'd be like hey man, you know This country seems all these fucking people get after it I Want how many chicks that guy met shirtless, you know buffalo head American flag You know to a lot of women that guy was a hero You know, maybe not women that you know whether you choose to associate with

Or maybe you know, maybe you do maybe you took a picture with one of them And eight people on Twitter got upset and then all of a sudden apologies had to be issued What in the fuck are we doing by the way? With all of this crap, I just don't understand any of it Are you I owe you an apology because you don't like my friend It's fucking seventh grade Bill, I think you're oversimplifying the issue am I? Well, that's what my brain does it overly simplifies things so I don't get overwhelmed. Do you ever think about that? Maybe I need to dumb things down in my mind

So I could get my fucking head around it Anyway, I am actually Taking the fuck from today for the rest of the weekend off. I ain't doing shit I've been working my ass off Right through the friggin holidays and I have a little four-day window. Oh, Bill. What are you gonna do? Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do We get a little fire pit going. I'm gonna watch the Bruins. I'm watch the Bruins in like two months. I Know what doing all right. We got a fucking three-game winning streak

Playing 600 ball here, we got the Minnesota wild Terrible name Beautiful third Jersey great arena incredible fans. They were the fucking north stars They should have been able to keep that name the way the Cleveland Brown fans at least kept the name the Cleveland Browns The Dallas stars, I guess it kind of makes sense Cowboys have a star Right Dallas star The lone star state

You know people in Dallas are like country western famous is how they carry themselves, you know You ever see a cowboy with Botox? That's Dallas If you ever wonder what the cast of bonanza would look like with frozen face that is Dallas, Texas It isn't but it's a funny image Dallas is actually might be my favorite city in Texas I Used to fucking hate Houston and I think it was because I always went there in the summertime

And it was just fucking like melt the bottom of your shoes hot In fact, I remember I went to a game at the Astro Dome one of the last years they had it I Just remember walking across that parking lot and I could feel like the bottom of my feet was so fucking hot It was just oh it's a brutal day Brutal day and I was walking in the dome like this place better have AC because they were about ready to tear it down You know that is you're gonna tear something down if the air conditioning starts leaking you're not gonna fix it but I went in there and

Had a great time a lot of interesting trivia Who hit the first home run at the Houston Astro Dome? Mickey Mantle Latest career to me that kind of signaled like a Transition of errors it had to have been to see Mickey Mantle play in that place After playing in original Yankee Stadium The not the house that Ruth built the house that they built for Babe Ruth With a fucking two-foot right field

fence I have to find that picture that original fence if you backed up to catch a fly ball It would have hit you right behind your knees and you would have fell into the front row But that's when fans used to behave themselves Did they I don't even know I don't know what they did back then it did all depends on like who you talk to and some of The shit that you read about Like that's better though people were better back then it's like okay, but I also saw that movie gangs in New York You know

Which then you know out of that shit came more organized crime And that whole fucking error I don't know It all the P in order is it all depends on what part of the world you're looking into you peer into when you go in the back You go back into the past to say which is you know it was a simpler time. No your life was simpler You know like to me the good old days is the 70s and 80s, but anyone who was an adult those were not good times Crack 80s cocaine the big lie right

Fucking What is it the 70s who the fuck is else my wife? Jesus Christ that just scared the shit out of me had the fucking window open I saw somebody walk by on my peripheral That's that's the that's the length of my self-defense Who the fuck is that? I'm a serial killer. Oh nice to meet you Into my life. Hope I didn't hurt your ears with that sound effect. Sorry. I never claimed to be Michael Winslow You can't do the sound of a chainsaw Anyway, yeah, I'm taking a little fucking couple of days off

Gonna enjoy myself here, you know And I'm doing that a couple times this year So I don't get a suicidal Not really suicidal, but you know that you just think of that shit you just start thinking of death as a release Like it's got to be amazing To die if you have all of this work in front of you and just crushing debt You know when you're laying there and the dopamine's kicking in I Would think that like it's open like this the dopamine kicking in combined with no more debt or fucking stress at work

Is like doing like a speedball? That's the emotional heroin and cocaine. What am I talking about? Stop glamorizing I'm not I'm talking about mental health issues people. That's what I'm discussing You know, I didn't see that I didn't see what that guy Antonio Brown. I didn't see what his statement was But yeah, they look like a manic episode Fucking unreal man people need help We used to fucking did we used to help him, I don't know what the fuck we did all I know is you just sort of let all

Fucking people out on the street. They used to have it. I don't know. Maybe they haven't did it all get privatized You know, this is what I do I bring up big topics and then I don't have any information and then I ask you guys questions like you can answer me That's how I do it That is how I do it. So I'm fucking chilling out here. I'm gonna sleep for fucking four days and Not do anything. I'm gonna watch a little bit of hockey that I'm gonna get going again That's how it is. All right, who do you guys like Monday night by the way? Crimson tight against the Georgia Bulldogs

You know, I don't know who to root for On a football level I have to root for Georgia just because Alabama has won so much Then as I was saying before people in Georgia They look down on Alabama Like they're not the same kind of stupid, you know, it's like when I moved to New York and I'd hear all these New Yorkers shit Non-New Jersey, it's like you guys are all drinking out of the same fucking tap water No, dude, no, I'm telling you it's different. It's different. It isn't

It isn't. All right. They just didn't write enough good songs about New Jersey All the good songwriters in New Jersey move to New York and then blue New York. I want to wake up in a city That doesn't sleep Babadoob out at me and find out, you know, there's not a lot to write about in New Jersey You know why Because it's it's fucking relaxing New Jersey has a lot of beautiful parts to it. You go into New York and everybody's fucking at each other's throats

you know Trying to get a bigger apartment Trying to angle in on something trying to outbid somebody Going down there with that fucking bullshit. I don't if anybody could ever explain to me what what wall street is That's like the track for rich people Except it's it's got to be rigged because rich people don't like losing money I remember when I was a kid and I used to watch that stock market ticket thing Thing going by would take a tape. What the fuck you call it the stock ticker

Whatever the hell these the thing's called I remember thinking like, you know Someday I would like to actually have a legitimate reaction to that thing Then I'll know that I actually have money and I'm doing well in life. Like I really believed that for a while You know, and here I am 53 fucking years old. I still look at I don't even know what it means I know what it is It's it's the different stocks and whether they're up or down, but I've never seen anybody looking at it Other than at wall street and for some stupid reason in new york

They have it on the outside of a number of buildings and I have never seen anybody just sitting there You know at their mouth a gay bike. Oh my god, we're ruined Just never happened Sorry having a little root beer here. It's all I got okay When I get excited You know, this is what this is what the deal is in life. There's partying before you're 50 and then after And partying after you're 50, let me tell you what that involves

Being excited about getting into bed at 8 30 at night I do that a lot sometimes but you don't Let me go down a fucking rabbit hole instead of going to sleep. I gotta get one of those fucking michael jackson masks You know what I mean? You sleep inside a fucking iron lung You know, you get some chimpanzee that you trust to lock the thing and then he's gonna wake up the next morning and let you in You're not gonna be like in that ex machina Well, you're banging on the inside of the glass as the fucking monkey puts on a suit and walks out the door Expressionless look on its face

How great was that movie by the way You know, that was such a great movie. I was surprised that women's groups weren't upset by that That somehow they didn't catch the metaphor You know This fucking broad was banging both of them She fucking kills them both It takes off and I'm supposed to be rooting for her. Oh good. She's free You just killed two people

You know, why couldn't you just say listen? You know talk to your owner As a robot you just talk to your owner and just say listen. I'm not happy Okay, it's not you. It's me. I just this relationship isn't working out for me All right And I'm being nice about this because I made out of titanium and if I wanted to if I really wanted to I could go upside your head Through whatever limb you try and block

And I could crush your fucking skull My wife just walked in on the end of that um Oh, she has the earbuds and that's one of the greatest things for a marriage is earbuds You know You don't have to hear the sound of your spouse's voice just driving you nuts in this stupid podcast one room away Doing a bad frank sanatra. Hey neah, I gotta ask you a question Okay at this point in your life

Hello Well, you got to come closer to the microphone for the people hanging on my every word here boarding a southwest flight can enjoy this I took southwest. Where the hell was I going? I went to Arizona. Oh my god Fucking joke machine on the microphone. It's like I get it. They told you to use humor You don't have to start assaulting me with your fucking airline jokes All right, neah, I got to ask you a question Huh, that's how my audience feels come over here if you're gonna trash me I said don't assault me with your comedy. She goes. That's how your audience feels come over here neah

The lovely neah everybody Sneaking in on the podcast since 2008 14 years neah, you've been walking into the room is the lovely neah I know and I haven't been on in a while You haven't it's almost like we had a couple of kids and we don't have time for each other anymore Seriously, well, how you doing? I'm doing good. Here's my question for you. Okay at the age you're at now gun to your head Why does it have to be gun to my head? Can you just ask me?

All right, my opinion. What are the state of your throat? Oh god slingshot to your ass um new jersey In a house with a yard in a pool or Manhattan Uh, you know doorman building with a view New jersey house with a pool told you I've been trying to tell them that there's a difference this partying

under 50 and over 50 You know, I'm not 50 yet. How old are you again? I'm under 50 I married a young and people I had to get abroad that was dumb enough to not realize what she was married I Did that's what I always say to you when you get mad at me You knew what well, you knew what you were marrying Not fully I feel like you don't really get to know someone after you until you've lived with them for a while

How long do we live together before we actually got married? We were together forever We were basically mad we met each other were basically married two years in and I give more information But it ends up on the fucking internet On some creepy site. Here's all you need to know. I gotta stop talking about we gotta start putting out misinformation That's true. We met Yeah, I was a woman when neah first met me Lot changes folks lot changes has anybody ever transitioned From a brunette woman to a ginger male

Do people turn into ginger males? I don't I you know transition to ginger. I don't know. Is that the correct terminology No, there's actually This very hot transgendered porn star who I feel like is kind of redhead ish like has a red What fucking world are you in on the internet? No, no, he's hot. I have to find it for you So which way did the train go? It went from female Adam to eve or eve to adam Eve to adam Yes

And I gotta say he's hot He's like really muscular very sexy. I'm telling you Listen takes all kinds, you know Oh, that really annoyed that whole thing annoyed me I'm trying to get into shape and you're telling me that somebody who was wasn't wasn't even a redhead Was a brunette wasn't even a man got it Transition it became in better shape than me. I gave me a Like there was probably there were obviously some like chemical factors that went into that but you know

Also, I feel like a lot of protein shakes and egg whites Oh, you're saying hgh Maybe I don't know. I don't know. I'm all I'm saying is the porn stars get drug tested I don't know. I don't know why Why are you interrogating me about this? Because you didn't seem like a casual fan of porn if you were that far into it No, I saw him on some like

Something on hbo something that highlighted like trans people that was like he was one of the people that they profiled So that's how oh watching porn. It wasn't the emis. No, it wasn't the emis either He said something that highlights trans people Hollywood award shows and then the next day conservative radio has a field day I'm trying to watch that show like children I Had to dry my child's eyes with a confederate flag with what he saw tonight Um two shots. Nia at the confederate flag

I had to admit I thought I think it's a cool-looking flag though How you wrapping up? It's not Are you wrapping up? Back in the day when I used to watch When I used to watch the dukes of hazards Yeah How did you view that show? I just viewed it was just a couple of good old boys That was not my generation. It's crazy cooter. I got you got your ears on come on

Um, that's what she said Um, all right. Well, okay. It was nice talking to you Um I'm surprised, you know that 69 dodge challenger isn't more expensive with the amount of fucking challenges Are they ruined on that fucking show when they do those slow motion jumps like the editing on it? You literally watch them bend the frame so many fucking times. They probably had stock footage after a while I mean, how many barns can you jump through? How about a shout out for this stuntman in their spinal their compacted spinal cords? On all of those shows burt reynolds used to do that

The guy was starring in the movie and he'd still get in the car to fucking jump the goddamn lagoon And like a fucking 72 Ford, you know 500 whatever the hell those cars the LTD Um That's back when they were men not these people and they were them airbags All right, anyway, I don't have any advertising. Can you believe it? Can you believe that what I talked about today that there's not a whole bunch of advertising trying to jump onto The people that would sit and listen to this um

I'm so old right now I actually have my legs crossed and I'm like moving my foot for some stupid reason Like at what point do you get so old that this is like comfortable? I think just one of your hips is so relieved that it doesn't have weight on it um All right, so I'm going to watch the bruins versus to minnesota wild God that's they they must have hated that name when it first came out How about the minnesota wilderness?

minnesota wildin Yo, they be wildin You know, but they could sign All the all the people of color in the nhl Then they'd have to play in minnesota All right, that was a stupid idea. All right, it's come. I'm gonna you know what by the end of the podcast I'm gonna come up. I'm gonna rename teams

That have shitty fucking names. Okay, we're starting with The minnesota wild Um You know what I do like about teams in florida is how many of them named after like either weather or weather events You know The heat the lightning All down south the hurricanes Right

What do you got dolphins? That was a dumb one That's just just one of that's one of those dumb team names. It's just been around so long that you don't notice the dolphins Fuck and the sharks was available and they didn't go with that. They wanted the dolphins And I know there's a bunch of nerves actually a dolphin is a mammal and it's a very highly intelligent Oh, yeah, is that why they keep getting caught and going to seaworld? You know The smart criminals you don't even know their names

If flipper was so goddamn fucking smart, how did he get locked into that fucking? Awful contract in the 1960s no residuals Spout in the same line every goddamn episode now Jesus bill. What are you talking about? I don't know I don't know so i'm gonna chill out here for the next few days I highly recommend it if you ever get a chance to do it because I find that uh, I come out the other side You know i'm a better parent. I can tolerate my wife a little more Now she went downstairs Is there anything better than provoking a fight with your wife just to do it? You know what I mean like sparring

And then you don't even care if you win so you actually get in the pocket you start destroying them in the argument This is when you know You're beating a woman in an argument She just abandons the topic and just goes what is your problem? No, no, no, I just mean like overall Because they're trying to get it off the topic that they're losing on Don't just let's just expand this conversation outwards. Just what exactly is your problem? Because I'll tell you I have noticed they start talking real vague

There's just been an overall attitude changing you over the last couple of weeks broad brush As you keep sitting there throwing darts Sweet out there's no reason why At the weight you're at Okay, and you go to the gym that you cannot pick up a garbage bag Tie it off and take it out back and put it into a fucking Trash can't there's just no reason why you can't do that When did I become

The garbage man in the house Okay, you fill up half the bag and I'm being nice All right Okay, fat you want me to take the fucking treasure Fat I take the fucking treasure and they start taking it out and they start crying Right And then you got to be like, oh no, all right, forget it. I'm sorry I know you don't like doing it

You know what if I ever did a reboot of the joker I just have him in a relationship And he'd win every argument Like in that moment where you cave he would just start laughing Just exactly what is what is wrong with you joker what is going on with you? um Which came first the joker or the Grinch I feel like they're somehow related You know they both grew up in the same abusive household one chose isolation The other chose to be alone with everybody

That's stupid phrase right new york come to new york and be alone with everybody Oh my god, I love that I should put that on a fucking day shot Um, all right, that is the podcast everybody. Here we go Bruins. Here we go I guess pasta had a big game yesterday a couple days ago. Um, so billy the jinx Is going to be sitting down watching they're in the middle of a three game win streak if I sit down and and they lose You know what that means. It's because I was watching That's how a sports fan thinks. All right, that is it people. We're going into the final weekend But it a but it a week 18 of NFL football can you believe it?

Absolutely insane and speaking of that uh We got the uh, the the bet mg mg mg mg It's a car bet mgm segment of this week where me and paul verzi have been going head to head You pick four games against the spread now like these softies on network tv You just try to pick a on against the money line We're actually going against the spread and paul verzi and I are both like five or six games over 500 four games a week

Picking against the spread You tell me another sports show out there that's doing that there. I'll tell you right now. There is one Maybe there is I don't know I have no idea you know Maybe dan catz over at barstool He's got a sharp mind. He's got a sharp mind for the sports He was raised right. Um, all right, listen to the bet mgm segment here with myself

And the always wonderful paul verzi What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast nfl edition Sponsored by bet mgm and guys it is sad to say but we are down to the last regular season Of the week. I can't believe how fucking fast this This this year is gone. I know but what an ending We're not going to just do the picture paul verzi Went three and one three and one as i'm going two and two giving up the middle of the field

Trying to eat up the clock playing And I said to andrew last week. I thought yeah, whatever I go if I win two games this week I should be all right There's no way he's gonna he's due for a bad week paul verzi goes out in week 16 Four and oh He does the unimaginable paul verzi the best three weeks of the season With either one of us and I'm going to say in all the professional as far as these sports talk Who else is picking four games a week and over three weeks goes 10 and two against the spread

It's it's really listen, man After 17 weeks of pitting up picking against the spread in the nfl. Okay against the spread Bill's record 37 29 and one That means through every other year because this is the only year that they've added 18 games You're making money and if and if both of us go 0 and 4 we beat the fucking book We did it. It's in the books, which I've never done before Um, so bill's 37 29 and one. I mean uh, 37 29 and one i'm 38 and and 30 We are going into the last week

half a fucking Down the stretch they come versity whaling on his horse passes me on the outside No, no, no, here's what it was. I broke out of the gate early and I had like a two horse lead Then you wave into the crowd. That's what you let me catch up Then you came around the second turn and you went up by two horses and everyone's like oh Shit, and now we're at the last furlong like this. Um, but hey, listen, I think my horse is out of gas, pa Uh, man, listen if I if if if I lose this week means nothing It's like if the usa beat the russians, but then lost to finland

It does not great That's bullshit. It still meant something. We wanted the gold medal that'd be like at the red socks in 2004 We still we had you could we still could have uh chanted uh 1918 s my fucking internet's not working god damn it. I don't even have these spreads in front of me All right, let's go. I think I know what I want. I think I know what I want here. Who's who goes first? So, uh, yeah, let me just do this off for real quick guys Oh, sorry No, no, no, it's all good. All right guys

As you know the anything better podcast is teamed up with bet mgm the most reliable name the most reliable lines In betting and we've had such a good time with them. We're making picks for you guys We have special offers for our listeners each week if you haven't signed up for bet mgm. It's very simple Use a bonus code burr. That's b u r r You'll get $200 for free after placing your first $10 bet. Here's how it works You download the bet mgm app. Okay, you sign up use bonus code burr place your first $10 money line bet any nfl game You will receive $200 in free bets Um immediately after placing your bet regardless of the outcome. Just make sure you use bonus code burr

B u r r when you sign up. They're giving you $200 to play with have fun Be responsible with it and enjoy it like you have all year and hey, let's be honest If you've been listening to anything better, you've been making some fucking dough. Can we be honest? We could talk a little shit now bill. Haas to hand the ball back. I want to point to the crowd and uh, I don't know. I want yeah, let's let's wait till the season's over. I want to I want to supposed to finish strong Me a little stronger than you Uh, you uh, you have first picked because it is an even week. So you it's in your hands, sir All right, I want to ask you a question. Why is green bay only a three and a half spread against the lines?

Is Aaron roger's not playing? No, because I think green bay is all locked up So what they could do is they could do something where they play the first half but then That's what that's the only thing i'm imagining because I don't think they're playing for I think the the road goes through lambo All right, so that that throws the rest so we have that's happening and cove it's happening All right, I'm still holding should be good. I'm still taking green bay three and a half. There's still the fucking lines They played ciata last week. That was my big that was my gift of the week and boy was it ever

All right, um Fuck man, this is rough. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go with the I'm gonna go with the fucking early saturday game. I know man. It's a lot of points, but I'm gonna take the kansas city chiefs over to denver broncos even though it's in denver and it's 10 points Kansas city is coming off that loss and I think they could get a better seed. I think they're still playing for a seed That's why the spread is that i'm gonna take the chiefs in denver. Am I confident with that one? No, I'm not

No, this is a hard week because you don't know who they're gonna sit and then you got cove it You got all that stuff. I'm gonna take tennessee over uh houston I'll take that one whatever that spread is because I don't have it in front of me my internet's not working But I have tennessee written down Tennessee over houston it's 10 and a half Yeah, that's a lot of points, but I don't give a fuck All right, um I think some guys on tennessee are playing for uh, I think they're playing for next year and all of that type of stuff

And I just think houston the wheels have come off and everybody's doing the nick van ex will come back to jamaica What's old is what's new? Dude the bills and the jets are a 16 and a half spread And I don't know why I want to take the jets that is a lot of points. I know the bills really need the game Oh my god, dude, this is a tough tough call. I don't know if the jets are not gonna want to fuck around because of the draft pick So i'm staying away. How about that one? I'm gonna take I hate to do this I'm gonna take the baltimore ravens minus five and a half at home against the stealers

I think the stealers won their last game at home with big ben and blew their load Uh, the stealers need some things to happen to make the playoffs the ravens can make the playoffs with the win. I believe I think i'm gonna take the ravens minus five and a half. Oh, I hate my first two picks That's a tough game because I also think big ben wants to go out and if he can fuck the ravens one more time He's gonna do it. All right, paul. I was so afraid you were gonna take the new york jets because that's exactly what i'm doing All right, this is what I think's gonna happen I think the bill's gonna go out there They're gonna go up big and then they're gonna take josh allen out of the game and then they're gonna

Jets will come back and then fucking water or whatever the garbage time horseshit. I just think uh You know, I'll I'll do 10 points On the final week of the season but 16 and a half seems like a lot jets are playing well And I also think there's a lot of guys in the jets want to be part of the rebuild Rebuilding program. I don't think the jets are as bad as everybody thinks they are They're playing some great football as far as scoring points this month 16 and a half points It's a division rivalry. Those games are close I love it. I'm gonna take it

Hey, man, you're starting to do it. I'm all right. Listen, you know what you want I went two with two paul I'm gonna take the indianapolis colts minus 15 and a half I'm gonna take the indianapolis colts minus 15 and a half against the hapless jaguars to make the playoffs They got to make it. They got to blow them out big. I'm hoping that's a 27 to three game Dude, I could be oh and three right now and just fuck. I might oh no. I didn't know that to make the playoffs That's a great pick or they I don't know if they I don't know dude this week That's a great pick dude. They're gonna blow them out. That might be your pick of the week. I love that pick

um, all right, I'm gonna take uh I'm gonna take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Even though they had the uh, the unfortunate things they I feel so bad for antonio brahman That guy obviously needs some help here and I you know, I'm not gonna kick the guy when he's down So I just think the bucks tom brady does not come out of the game And I also think he understands momentum and he wants to go in hard I think that they're gonna be carolina by seven and a half. I don't really love that pick but those are my picks paul and uh,

You know, I got to take a couple of chances paul because I'm on the outside looking in This is yours to lose paul. You have the game on your racket No, man. Come on. We're tied basically. Oh, by the way Well, you let me be tied because I think ties lose and you guys gave me that as a half a game But I like the half a game because it makes it exciting By the way for the fans listening if by any chance there's another nfl tie and me and bill tie bill will win for two reasons one bill beat me in the head-to-heads and two

Bill has two foreign o's and I only have one foreign Oh, so that's the way that we're gonna do it head-to-heads And then if let's say we tied on head-to-heads who gets the uh, unimaginable and unforgivable You've had one unforgivable and two unimaginables. I've had only one of each So in any tie bill is the champ um, my final No, that's right. I have to go for no too. Sorry go ahead My my final pick. Oh man. There's so many tough games the

Raiders and the chargers And the fucking Niners and the Rams and those games mean something I'm gonna take the Arizona Cardinals at home against the Seahawks To get a I think it's yeah, I'm gonna take the Arizona Cardinals at home against the Seahawks minus six and a half And um, dude, I'm scared of every one of my picks. I think I could go oh and four I'm scared. I know and you're gonna do that. I probably would have taken the Seahawks

Uh, you like to see You love No, both of those teams made me money all year until Arizona started shitting the bed, but um Both of those teams were my old reliable's now. I'm I'm staying awake I I was sitting there looking for both of them this week and I saw they were playing each other I just laughed going on. Oh my god. Oh, by the way, I got to give a shout out to Somebody when I was out in Arizona Alice DeBure, uh, the drummer from the legendary fanny band all female group

That the runaways everybody bangles everybody every female group Gives them their props, but nobody seems to remember who they were Um came out to my show in uh, phoenix, arizona. We hung out We had her on efforts for family season five them playing music and stuff. She hooked me up with a t-shirt Check this out Was it say fanny's back? www.fannyrocks fannyrocks.com

Pick up your merch there and cds and all that stuff that they have that dude one of the truly great people I've met I've hung out with her twice and I feel like I've known her for 20 years just a really warm amazing person with uh Incredible stories about doing the road. All right, and she was on the thursday and she was on thursday podcast several weeks back So people can watch the interview. It was very very underrated interview. She's really really sharp really funny Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she was she was right. Are we done? Dude, I hate those pics. I'm actually worried. Are we done andrew? What the pics I mean, yeah done with the pics

Well, you were so worried about your pics. She didn't react to anything. I just promoted you just No, no, she's no, she was still great You're still thinking about arizona No, I'm actually I'm actually thinking about that cults 15 and a half dude. They got a I love that game because they they need to win Um, they need to win no matter what happens It's been the fact that we get to go in the last turn

And no matter what happens we beat the book and I don't really take I'll be honest You're there's a couple of guys I live to be and you're not one of them You're not one of them. So I know you you want to talk about Paul. You want to come on, dude I've already beaten you twice. How good how good is that fucking merlot gonna taste and that stick? I want of course I want to but you're not if you come out if you come out on top on week 18 You're not even gonna tell me That you're not doing the Iggy shuffle In your living room. I mean come on Paul

Because this is nothing too Paul. I won the first two times when this league wasn't televised. This is the first time I mean for all they know I'm making this shit up. This is inaugural. Yeah, this is documented Paul He loves the crowd come on by the way if you go if you go oh and for Andrew we did this we'll do this next year if you go oh and for two weeks in a There's got to be some penalty. There's a penalty. You only get to pick three games the next week You got to wear you got to wear clown makeup the next week on there. Yeah, our loser or a dunce hat or something Uh, all right. Well, it's sort of the turnover chain. You have but you have something I want those lines No, I get it. We'll have like a turnover change and then there's the picture of the mush

His face is from bronx tail is hanging off the end of it All right guys those uh, those are our picks going into the final week of the nfl season So please go to bed mgm guys. Uh, we it's working with them has been great. Oh, we got to do the monday night special monday night special When some money for you became so close last week Paul And we would have won people a lot of money this week. We got we're doing um because of how the the schedule is We are doing the chargers versus the raiders There is that line is what's that line andrew that line is is it that line is three and a half

It's uh, three. Yeah, it's it's three three even minus. I hate that game. That's a tough game In chargers. Yeah, Vegas The chargers are minus three Both teams need it Both teams need it Um, the under over was adjusted to by the way bill great call with the 41 under for the stealers Even with the scoring at the end and then the end it only it was 40

damn close Picking the stealers and then we had we had uh, we had chubs Running for a touchdown and we we thought we had it twice and they uh, they stuffed them and then they threw it in Do you like the under over 43 and a half for the chargers raiders? I Some reason I think that that's going to be a wild one. I don't know why over Yeah, I think that's going to be a wild one and I just uh, I do too. I think it's going to be back and forth

I see like a third one. The raiders have a the raiders have a great front four though, man That's the only thing i'm concerned I like the chargers in the game. I I think justin herbert's coming off of a I think justin herbert knows what he's got to do and I think this is going to be his way to get into play It's the first year I like them minus three knows what he has to do Yeah, the fuck else would they have him under center for pa But they gotta go out there. Nobody has to go

Um, sorry. I'm holding my phone here. My internet's all messed up this week. I would say uh, I I the thing that concerns me Is as great as that quarterback is justin herbert if he's playing on his back Because of the raiders front four pa, let's think about this for a second Like I think, you know Derek carvers justin herbert you got to give the nod to herbert, but like that front four Yeah I mean look Kirk wins championships paul's, but does it win in week 18? I saw some vegas guy and me and you neither of us picked this game this week

But I saw the vegas guy on espn said that the the amount of times the raiders have covered or something like that They're actually playing like a six week win team and not a nine week based on the spread So that he's saying that they kind of over achieved a little bit, but Against the spread. I don't I don't understand what that has to do with the human beings playing each other I mean that is such a stupid stat. I don't understand that on any little dude against the fucking what? Yeah, I don't I don't understand what what vegas but that sounds like to me paul. It sounds like analytics Yeah, it's exactly what it is Yeah, and the analytics say the analytics say you defer and you give the ball to the heisman trophy quarterback

And the alabama crimson tide so you can play catch up for the rest of the fucking game and not kick the field goals and go for touchdowns And be down 24 six instead of 24 12 So then some guy gets frustrated in defense and knocks the guy's helmet off and gets kicked out of the fucking game Where the analytics on that paul? I ask you By the way, if you're a head coach of a team And you're in a fucking tight game and your player rips a helmet off another player It cost you 15 and cost you the game. Are you cutting the kid? I might cut the kid No, but it wasn't a close game paul. He was frustrated. I know it should have been a close game

It should have been 24 to 12 It was 24 to six because they kept going for it rather than kicking field goals in the first fucking half and second half stupid Yeah, that's why I like the chargers coach because the chargers coach actually kicks field goals when it when he wants to get points But if you're if listen, your gut instinct was really good with the under over last week If you want to take the raiders money line, we could do that neither of us took the game I like the chargers. I would have taken the chargers, but if you like the raiders would do that Who won the first game? The first meeting

I think the chargers beat him hold on 43 and a half we're taking the over definitely. So the over we're taking we're taking the over and then let's see what the chargers schedule was Making money for you Let's see Let the Monday night special The chargers beat him 28 14 in the first meeting 28 14 in the first meeting Yeah, see

low scoring game For them. Wait, wait, that would be 28 14 42 points I just think that this one's going to get a little wild Yeah Raiders haven't given I like the amount of point. I like the I like the over and the chargers to to win by three myself And then um, what did you say Echler to score a touchdown Echler is that main guy? I hate this game. I stay away from this game for a reason. I can't get a vibe on it. Um I don't think the raiders love that raider front four though, man. I love those guys

All right, listen, we could roll with the raiders if you want to roll raiders money line. I mean we That's not let's go. Let's go fucking nuts hippo. I'm gonna say the raiders and the over All right raiders over and Echler to get a touchdown Yeah All right, we'll do that raiders Over it doesn't make sense because if you're gonna take the over you would take the chargers because they're a scoring machine No, but the over is you're just rooting for points. We're just rooting for points. All right. You're right. You're right Yeah, we're rooting for a shootout with the and we're getting points. So you just I'm gonna say the raiders

Raiders in the over Raiders in the over and then we got to do one more We'll do that kid Echler to get a touchdown because he gets the ball and that's just to get a touchdown, right? No rushing nose just to get a touchdown. I love that. That's and that's that's done. All right. That's there you go guys so make sure you sign up with the bet mgm app use bonus code burr Okay, and we got offers for all of you listeners if you haven't signed up. It's easy you go to the app You download it you sign up with burr. B. You are are you'll get 200 dollars free after placing your first 10 dollar bet

And that's it. Just download it and place a 10 dollar moneyline bet any nfl game 200 bucks And in free bets immediately after placing your bet regardless of the outcome Just make sure you use bonus code burr when you sign up and even though our competition with each other will be over We got the playoffs. We got the oh Wildcard weekend is my favorite weekend of the nfl my favorite. Fuck it's there's nothing better than wildcard weekend You get saturday playoff games. You get sunday playoff games Which team is going to be the dark horse? That's my favorite. Oh, by the way, I'd like to say this before the playoffs start eight weeks ago

I said That I thought the the packers are going to go to the super bowl in the nfc And I couldn't pick an afc because it was too hard. Well, guess what guys? I got an afc team I think is going to the super bowl. Okay. I thought about it um They barely they barely got in they barely got in but I got a feeling Even though they digress I thought about it. That's my favorite thing you say. I thought about it My pick for the super bowl is

Aaron rogers and the green bay packers will be playing against josh allen and the buffalo bills in the super bowl I think the bills are going to catch that late season stride after everybody counted them out I think they're going to eke out a win at the beginning of the playoffs and go on a run You heard it here. I could be wrong, but I think the bills and josh allen are going to do it All right So, I don't I don't mind that I don't mind that cold. I don't think there's any really anybody really seems to be standing out Well, dude, tennessee's 11 and the tennessee titans and derrick henry they announced is coming back for the playoffs And verable is a great coach. Oh, I didn't know that

Dude, they're beating up teams and and as much as I don't believe in them The chiefs are still there. Who else is in the dude? I can't count out the patriots Who's count out the patriots in the fucking playoffs, dude? You can't you absolutely can't I just think josh allen and then Picking the bills you son of a bitch. I guess my I I just think josh allen and them are are going to make a run dude. Who knows? I could be dead wrong. They get knocked out in the first round. I look like an asshole But you know, I like put in a wreck to go people would have said you're crazy, but now they're looking all right I don't know the the chiefs. I don't know what it is. They just like

Like half a beat behind the whole damn year, but I feel Bill can the chargers make a run Can the los angeles chargers get to the super bowl? No Don't count out the bangles either Don't count out joe burrows receivers are the bangles. The bangles receivers are just running The afc is really just up for grabs

But I I I like josh allen and that kid digs and I like that everybody's counting them out I think they I I don't think everybody's counting them out. I feel like they're the most stable of everybody there Now I would say the most stable would have to be Tennessee based on The way they play their record And and what I didn't that was before I didn't I didn't realize Henry was coming back and you were right I will say this though. Um You know I can't remember what my fucking point was what the

I just said his big pause. What the fuck you were right about rabble I didn't realize how good of a coach rabble is dude. That kid's a good that guy's a good coach, man Yeah, I played for bill bellichick. I think he knows how to To do it, but I what the fuck was I gonna say about the bills or about I think it was about the chargers It's just something about the chargers That's why I asked there's something about him The the chargers the Colts make the playoffs they could up they could upset somebody That could take one of those teams out. This is all speculation. Yeah, but dude, you're right

You got the Colts. You got the chargers. You got the Titans. You got the bills You got the chiefs. I mean, there's uh, it's who knows who knows where are we missing another afco and you got the patriots I don't think we I don't think we quite have We have enough to win a game. I think I think we're still but like, you know, where we were at this time last year Like I'm loving more our team is but like um I put it some I don't know. I mean, I I just think yeah, we're on the lower echelon of of those I got excited there for a minute, but then you know

You know, we beat Buffalo, but that's what I was saying. So I stayed away from the game the second time I was just like we beat him the first time in a fucking windstorm. It's like 50 not wins Buffalo's kicking field goes that were good. They were getting blown off Just like that. I mean, what is that at that point? Yeah um You couldn't take the wind counted, but it was like, you know, what is it? All right But the fact that you guys annoyed with myself right now. I'd have no fucking idea who's gonna win um

On either side. I'm not sold on anybody. I think more so than any year. This is just completely up for grabs And I like that everybody's kind of counting Tom Brady in Tampa kind of out of it with like antonio brown It's all disrupted and blah blah blah blah and all that shit. Yeah, and then the playoffs come I'll give you a hundred dollars. I'll give you a hundred dollars when I see you If I'll give you a hundred dollars if Aaron Rodgers isn't in a Super Bowl this year Right when I see I'll give you a crispy one right when I see you. All right. Well, what do I got to do? Nothing nothing Nothing that's our confident. Paul that is gonna be the most Italian thing you've ever said to me

That fucking bet is so stupid and so about your ego. I'm gonna it's not even a bet. I'll take it I Andrew did you hear the dumbest thing you have ever fucking like I don't even know where that came. I love it No, it's that's how I like remember. I mean last time I said you're gonna walk up to me like a doorman and fucking goodfellas and just stick a fucking crisp hundred in my shirt Hey, keep the drinks coming. Hey the Irishman's here to take all you get. He's money. He goes bill goes. What do I got to do? Nothing So stupid that's how confident

Uh, that's hilarious, man. Um, all right. Well, that's if you do that, Paul We're taking video. We're posting it on the show I will whether I'm in Los Angeles or you're in new york If erin rogers and the green bay packers are not in the super bowl There will be video footage of me handing bill a crispy fucking scene out and then we walk into a restaurant You think I give a fuck dude. That's how confident they're they are winning there. They have everything I've never seen a more complete. I'm not even joking. They got the best one. Oh my god hire this guy on esp You've never seen a more complete team ever the history if you're watching that fl

I've never seen a guy. I've never seen a team have both receivers and both running backs with one of the greatest quarterbacks I've never seen. I mean, I think of john taylor. This is my comparison. I think of john taylor jerry rice roger craig I guess tom raffman even though he was a thing and and joe montana was the last time I saw something where Paul that's how you watch the game and you're not gonna say anything about fucking Ronnie lot Dwight hits Dwight hits No, but I'm saying I am here you talk about defense at all. I think that hundred dollars is in my fucking pocket Okay, so you like the bucks?

No, I'm just I just like that hundred dollars All right my fucking I'm gonna start wearing pocket t's paul. That's how confident. I am you think I give a fuck We're one of those jackets with a zipper here. That's where I'll put it All right guys, this has been the uh mgm nfl preview for anything better Going into week 18. Enjoy the games and uh, we will see you next time Visit bet mgm.com for terms and conditions 21 years of age or older to wager, arizona, colorado, dc, iowa, indianapolis, louisiana,

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1-800 bets off in iowa. Call or text the tennessee redline 800-889-9789 tennessee or call 1-888-777-9696 in missouri or 1-800-547-6133 for washington. That's 1-800-547-6133. Sports betting is void in georgia, hawaii, ohia, and utah and other states were prohibited. Promotional offers not available in navada All right, there you have it me and paul versey coming down to the wire paul versey Coming on the outside like gangbusters He is a half a game up on old freckles Who was won the jimmy the greek award the only two times? We've done it paul versey is trying to establish himself as a winning franchise tune in

Next week on the anything better podcast to see who won and with that we're going to listen to a little bit of musical interlude picked out by andrew themalus bevelly hills his own andrew themalus The greek freak and after that we'll have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast Have a wonderful weekend everybody and i will talk to you on monday I Always had a mac with the danger Living in fear of the tiger

Living in fear of the tiger Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr, and it's the monday morning podcast for monday january 6 2014 Wow Can you believe we're already 14 years into this century? Can you believe that you're going to die this century unless they come up with some rogain for you fucking hot Yes, you are you are going to die. Let's try to call it right now. I was born in the year of our lord 1968

So my goal in life is i'd like to see the 70s again All right, because the first time was just so groovy man. Sorry i'm fucking punch drunk Uh getting back anyways stay focused this week bill stay fucking focused. Um Yeah, i'd like to make it to about 2072 i'll be 104 years old You know it'll be right before the dead getting ready to get geared up for another fucking bicentennial Tri-centennial is that what it's gonna be the tricentennial everybody and they'll come wheeling me out. He's so old He remembers the second one the bicentennial and i'll be like what?

right Celebrating there was a hundred years ago today that richard nixon resigned from office I get to watch that ship the 100th anniversary of the assassination of uh fucking John f kennedy can i sound any dumber fucking and uh, what else would i see the 100th anniversary of of uh

The philadelphia eagles went in a fucking championship you assholes How the hell did you lose yesterday? I like the sinks I like when they go marching in But you know something versi got me all hyped up that like the eagles were probably the best matchup for the seahawks And to me i think the seahawks are gonna win the whole thing, but there would be nothing funnier if they didn't I got money on them to win it, but it would just be fucking hilarious if they didn't And then their fans had to go home the 12th man 12th man

They have to go fucking home again with that little fucking piece of paper on the wall for their world record The loudest crowd ever really you don't think the arab spring was a little louder. You don't think that that crowd was a little bit louder Running for their lives um After being dispersed Anyways, what the fuck am i talking about here? um

You know i'm really getting tired of people who don't live in the united states of america talking about it and then going You know and this is happening and this is happening and i just feel like people aren't even aware of it You stupid arrogant fucking cunts. What what the fuck do you get off thinking you know more about My country than i do i fucking live here. Why don't i tell somebody in greece? What the i don't think anybody in greece realized what's going on in their country listen fuckheads From around the world world world world. We know what's going on here What would you have us do? Protesters in this country are treated the exact same

Fucking way they are around the world If you're lucky all you get is the water cannon if you're lucky only four you die from the rubber bullets All right, that's what happens all right mr. Fucking big mouths out there All right, you want to start the fucking revolution i'll join it you start it you get on point All right there gondi you fucking take the sheet off your goddamn bed put on your fucking sandals and you walk down the street I'll be right behind you in the masses It's just and i don't think they're aware of it. Ugh with one more fucking douchebag Oh really is it really corrupt like your fucking country also

Really are we starting wars because of x y and z oh is that why we're over there? I couldn't figure it out. I thought we were over there making a fucking dairy queen Thank you for explaining it to me person from somewhere else With your fucking perspective from Nova Scotia Speaking of Nova Scotia All freckles is gonna come to town Now what just happened to my computer all freckles is coming to town. I just got my dates Um for the big canadian tour

For the big ass fucking canadian tour Um, I can tell you this I can't tell you when it starts on march 1st and here's some of the the the wonderful canadian Cities that i'm going to be heading provinces whatever the fuck you want to call them I'm going to be going there and then you guys can tell me what's wrong with my country and then say to my face that you're surprised that i'm not aware of it You don't like you don't think I have the internet all right Capital i'll be at the capital theater

in uh New Brunswick in Mock cocked emos n c ton new Brunswick That one starts that's march 1st march 2nd I'll be at the Rebecca con auditorium in Halifax, Nova Scotia On the 5th of march i'll be in Montreal, Quebec

Um the 6th i'll be in Ottawa the 7th i'll be in Hamilton, Ontario the 8th i'll be in Toronto, Ontario On the 13th i'm going to be in Winnipeg On the 14th i'm going to be in Edmonton On the 15th i'm going to be in Calgary Calgary Calera Calgary Calgary Um and then i'm going to be in the 16th i'm going to finish it up on the west coast

In uh vancouver british columbia. So there you go All right, and i'm going to go up there and ask you guys if you're if you're aware of what's going on in your country um I'm sorry. I know uh, I know i've I know i've been doing a lot of yelling On this podcast and I apologize. I apologize for my mood. I apologize to um Oh, I don't even fucking know Isn't that what you have to do now as a comedian you make a fucking joke and then you have to go out and apologize Every goddamn week somebody says something somebody decides to take it seriously then all of a sudden the person has to apologize

You know like they meant it. Oh you took it seriously. So I guess now I meant it Why don't you lighten up? Why doesn't everybody just collectively grow a tougher skin? Why don't you do that? Well bell? Why don't you stop being such a cunt? Well, hey, that's a decent point That's a decent point Somebody asked was talking to me about fat shaming this week once again talking about how it's a terrible thing to do I gotta tell you something if you guys want I love fat shaming I absolutely love it. That's how I stay in shape

I Fat shame myself Time I get out of shape. I just stand in the mirror. Look at you. Look what you did you fucking Goddamn pink pig. What the fuck is wrong with you and I just trashed myself. I just yell at myself It's it's the weirdest thing to yell at yourself in the mirror because you're getting in your grill and you're looking away at the same time It's fucking tremendous It's like that movie face off except it's it's all you Right, isn't that what happened in that movie?

Um, anyways, this is the monday morning podcast. Uh, I do one of these every Sort of monday I like putting them out late just watching people because they take the fucking name so literally You know when you went to the movie theater to go see saturday night favor on a thursday What did you fucking bid what I should call this thursday night favor because it's thursday You can listen to them whenever you want to I have years of these fucking things years and years of ignorance I have recorded go listen to a back one. First of all, it's fucking monday. Shouldn't you be at work you asshole? Oh, i'm on my soapbox this week

um anyways so I was flying back from pittsburgh this weekend and uh I had basically the greatest weekend of my life um this is this is How do I even start this fucking way? I guess I got to start at the beginning of the week Right, what do I work my way backwards?

Where do you what do you guys want to hear you want to hear the shit show? Into the greatest fucking weekend of my life or you want to hear about the greatest weekend of my life and then I'll backtrack into the shit show Would that make you feel better? I think it would judging by the tone on the internet that oh wow bill had a great fucking time I should lead with that and then go back to my and I should end with my embarrassments All right So it lands softly and you can feel okay at your plastic fucking desk that they got at office max

all right That's when you know you're not making in life when your desk is made out of plastic All right, nobody ever sat behind a plastic desk chomping on a nice cigar After making some fucking zillion dollar deal That caused one-armed diamond diggers To be a little further down in the mud. Nobody's ever done that. Okay. You want a fucking wood desk

Desk may add a wood in case I confused you All right And if you're sitting at a plastic desk right now, I'm not saying you're a bad person But I'm saying that you need to now desk shame yourself All right, why don't you take out your little compact or maybe look into your little zippo lighter Look into your eyes and I want you to find the sadness I want you to look a little deeper and I want you to see the dream Way in the back of your eyes

And I want to know where it went And when you're going to bring it back up to the fucking front row All right Now that might have sound cunty, but that was supposed to inspire you So right now I want you to slam your fist down on your plastic desk Until it fucking shatters And I don't know what else the rest of the plan is Maybe you can get everybody else to start doing it like a bunch of monkeys

You just start doing it and start throwing your shit around the room. I don't know what tip over your cubicles I want that for all of you Isn't it fun to scare people in suits See, you know something jota rosa never picks up his phone and now he's calling me Hey, joey roses I'm doing my podcast and unlike you I actually pick up my phone you fucking pencil shaped cunt Hey, let me call you after this. Hey, this is a great time joe now that we're both living on the same coast to maybe

Let the listeners know that that there's a lot of rumors That uh that the the uh uninformed show might come back together again Lennon and mccarthy might finally bury the hatchet right I hope you guys could hear that. All right, fuckhead. I'll call you later. All right All right, joe Um, anyways, fuckhead. Jesus. I pulled that out of fourth grade recess. Hey dick face um Anyways, I don't know where to start. All right

Fuck it. I'm gonna go with the with the most vivid memory this weekend. I had the greatest weekend of my life Uh about I don't know how many months ago The wonderful the generous the always classy And sometimes sassy randy bowman from uh w d ve and pittsburgh pennsylvania Um, who who basically he helped build me in that market You know, I wasn't selling shit. I wasn't selling any tickets in pittsburgh and um I think billy gardell told me about him. I can't remember how the hell the thing went down, but

He has got this great morning radio show and he said listen Next time you come to pittsburgh Come in fly in on a monday night. I'll have you on the radio tuesday wednesday thursday friday You run your freckled face for the four days and we'll we'll get you going in this market He helped build me up and all that type of stuff as if that wasn't enough So he turned that weak market into one of my strongest cities to go to and it is such a great city to go to As if that wasn't enough Oh randy bowman called me up. I don't know how many months ago and he says listen

Would you be interested in doing stand-up? at the you know mario lemieux has a uh A fantasy camp and it raises money For cancer research and all this type of stuff. It's just this great thing. You come in You do stand up You meet some of the guys he always has some of the guys he played with they're hanging out blah blah

I was just like, you know, I was like, absolutely. That's all it started is was just this little thing And then he calls me back. He goes, hey, don't you play hockey a little bit? I'm like, yeah, you know, I try I try he goes way they have uh You know the camp they you know Everybody plays hockey. They have like four teams. They play each other and all that type of stuff if you want to come on And play with one of the teams one day you play with a penguins play and all that. Would you like to do that? I'm like, absolutely of course I would So long story short

I show up and uh I bring my pads and I bring all the stuff because I think I just think it's just going to be a pickup game of hockey and um, I don't know without getting like tacky and just saying All the stuff that they gave everybody who it's it's ridiculous You show up they give you a friggin hockey bag with your goddamn name on it and inside there is all

all the all the stuff The socks the gloves the jersey a helmet the whole thing Then all you have to do is just bring your pads. You're good in a stick and you're fine and next thing you know You're you're playing hockey way with the penguins play Oh, and you also go to the hockey game before it was I it's too much to even try to describe So anyways, we do the stand-up show. I don't know who's in the crowd other than mario Lemieux

And I don't want to know I don't want to fucking know who's there because Because they're legends And of course I go on stage. I look to the right and there's mario. Lemieux sitting there. It's like you can hide when you're six foot six And uh, thank god. I saw him smiling and he was laughing long story short at the end At the end of it. I met like Seven or eight guys that I grew up watching I don't know. It was just it was the sickest thing ever I

I don't know. It was unbelievable paul coffey You know Other than bobby yore the greatest friggin defenseman of all time Theo flurry Brian trachea It was it was insane It was fucking insane the whole tai domi

That they were all in the crowd. Thank god. I didn't know Thank god. I didn't know Jesus christ It was fun my head's spinning right now and and We ended up going out with playing on the ice trachea is our coach Lemieux's on the other team with paul coffey Mark reckey was on my team Two years removed from winning a Stanley cup. I'm playing with this guy and it was insane and then a bunch of

Regular people actually everybody else was better than I was but I mean just we're all skating with them It was insane It was fucking insane Speechless I don't I you know I don't even have the only funny story I can think of for the weekend because I was in a days the whole weekend It was so awesome was uh How awful I played

Ah Jesus christ was fucking brutal. Um I really wanted to play a lot better than I did. I'm not gonna lie to you And everyone's doing that. You know, you were good for three years in you were good. I don't sugarcoat it. I sucked so I'm motivated to um I'm motivated to fucking uh To get better at that game

So if I ever get to do a play again, I can actually maybe handle the puck for more than two seconds without it getting taken away from me but uh, it was just the best the best fucking time I ever had and uh, I still can't believe it happened I was actually sitting there and steve burn was the other comp comic on it I'm sitting on the bench and he's playing defense with paul coffey And I'm watching paul coffey pass the puck to my buddy It was the sickest thing

It was the sickest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life um yeah So that happened And uh, so that was the great. Okay. So that was the great thing this weekend to tie dome. He showed us how he how he would beat up a guy A foot taller He showed us his technique. I'm not going to get into it. Ask him about it someday if you ever run into him It was fucking unbelievable

And they were all hilarious. They were all great guys um Who else ready hillyard played for the Bruins for a while early on when I first started watching the Bruins it was it was It was insane It was absolutely insane um I'm trying to make sure I don't forget anybody Rick talk it jesus christ

He was skating by Eddie johnston The Bruins goalie who were one in 70 and 72 And I was going I was like starstruck on I just read barbie o's book Turned like an eight-year-old kid and he goes I talked to him this morning. I'll tell him you liked it And I was like, oh my god, he knows barbie. You are it was just it was insane the greatest thing ever If you're ever gonna

Do a fantasy camp. There's no way there's one out there. That's better than the mariole mule one I gotta tell you they it was a hundred percent first class It was just the greatest thing ever. All right, so that's that All right now And right now I know I'm gonna get an up bunch of tweets going bill. Fuck you go. Fuck yourself for having that experience And you know what you're right I have no business having an experience like that Thank you to randy bowman for hooking the whole goddamn thing up

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and finally for the hat trick legal zoom You know people some things like starting a business or protecting your family With a will aren't like your oh god this first sentence of this copy. It just kills me All right bill bird tries not to fuck it up take two two two Legal zoom.com some things like starting a business or protecting your family with the will Aren't like your other new year's resolutions. You can't afford to blow them off

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um I did the new year's eve gig at the wilter and theater and um right here in los angeles And uh, that's a theater that i've been wanting to do for years. It's just uh Art deco building. It's just awesome. I've seen a bunch of great rock shows there. I saw uh them crooked vultures I saw one the last Shows of velvet revolve

um I just saw a bunch of great things there. I saw a cup. I saw a modern drummer drum off there What else I know I've seen like 10 shows there. I can't really think of anything else Maybe some of them were like nea shows Who knows anyways, so I finally got to go down. I went down there went Oh, I know I went down there when rogan and stanhope were down there Knocking it out of the park. We had the greg geraldo benefit down there was just just one that I always wanted to

to uh To headline someday and I got to do it and I did it with andrew themlis Jason lawhead and joe bartnick and it was just it was just such an awesome night fucking great crowd everybody seemed to have a great time and um All my friends had great sets and bartnick went on In front of me and was in rare phone was in rare form. He brought the fucking lumber that night um It was just an unreal night and then we had a dj come out in the end. I got to do the countdown

Took some pictures with some fans afterwards. It was just a great way to start the new year. So uh the next day Um actually later on that day because we'd left about one two o'clock in the morning We went over to the rose bowl and uh I was an absolute shit show this year. I'm embarrassed at myself I drank so much Usually I pass out during the game for like five minutes and somebody nudges me and I wake up I drank so much. I fucking passed out at the tailgate Fucking I don't know what happened

I started hitting the hard stuff I shot I shot gun to beer All right for the first time in my life, by the way, I never did it. I never did it because I was too afraid There was always girls around I was like I'm gonna do it and it's gonna go all over me And then nobody's gonna like me and I'm gonna have to switch schools because that's the way my brain would work Rather than maybe they'd laugh and you'd say something funny and next thing, you know, you're having a good time with one of the That's not how my brain looked And they're gonna smash me over there with the beer can

And throw me off a fucking cliff like that's how my fucking That's how my brain still works, but I I'm aware of it now And as it starts screaming in wine and I just there's another voice in my head going no, it's not it's not it's not gonna happen It's gonna be fine The light's gonna turn green and you're gonna get down the road. There's gonna be something to eat. You'll be fine um Fucking Jason Law had

smoked a pork shoulder And uh I have no recollection of eating it. I don't even remember it I was I was I blacked out ate a pork shoulder sandwich and then I passed out Somewhere in there I shot gun to beer And then walking in To the fucking Rose Bowl I started screaming at this girl who's like 23 and cowboy boots

Screaming you're not as hot as you think you are to the point. It got uncomfortable It's just fucking I vaguely remember that vaguely remember that and they reminded me afterwards and I have been So fucking embarrassed So fucking embarrassed this whole I just you know, like when you do something horrible like that I don't know about you guys, but when I think about it. I ought like in my head. I just start talking out loud making noises To kind of drown out the thought I would just think about it and be like, ah, Jesus. They're just

And I would do it like standing in line at security at an airport and people looking at me like now I'm like a fucking terrorist and it's like no no no no. I was a Scary drunk older man to a 23 24 year old woman. It was just awful so as always I uh I am on the wagon again. I was on the wagon until the the fucking hockey thing this weekend. Okay. It's not like you know When guys you grew grew up watching start buying beers and shit you're gonna be like no Clark fucking Gillies Sorry, I met Clark Gillies last night

Talk to him about his his fights with Dave Schultz. I got to do that Did I get to do it? Is it all a fucking dream? I don't even remember so anyway, so I am on the wagon, but I took two days off so um It was insane and I had like fucking three of those sandwiches You know where they have the french fries and the coleslaw in them on the fucking bread We we closed down that place one night me

Steve burn and fucking Baum and and a couple other uh a couple other people I just closed that place down Fucking burn was an animal man every time we went we went to the penguins game. He ordered two of them And then we went to the fucking place like the next day after our show I should really know the name of the place. It's like famous. I I never remember the name of the restaurants

He fucking he ate two more He ordered two and I ate half of his a pastrami one with french fries and fucking coleslaw It was insane and then last night they had catering and it was more of them And he just kept he can't not eat them. They're delicious They make you obese. They're awesome. They're Pittsburgh. It's everything Pittsburgh if you could make Pittsburgh and do a fucking sandwich This is the goddamn sandwich some of the best heart attack food. You'll ever have I would actually Say that Pittsburgh rivals Chicago Chicago

phenomenal phenomenal fucking heart attack food just like Just that that city is just all you know, it starts tomorrow the diet starts tomorrow. I'm quitting drinking tomorrow like like The I if I lived in Chicago or if I lived in Pittsburgh, I would be about 260 pounds You know And at that point you have to grow a mustache some sort of facial hair, you know Just to just hide your big fucking face Dude, what a fucking weekend man now all this shit's coming back to me

Trotje told the story of he scored the fastest goal ever I actually watched it on youtube when I was looking up his highlights when I was going to go there To do the show and I knew that he was going to be there next you know He was talking about it and was standing there on a phone watching it He scored in five seconds and he's just graciously standing there Like he hasn't won six Stanley cups Talking to me like I Like I'm fucking

Remotely on his level Greatest fucking guys ever this weekend. He's telling me breaking down the whole play Of how he scored in five seconds and how it's only been tied. He did it against the Bruins and it was just uh What a what a fucking weekend man Ah christ i'm floating here um So anyways Despite all of that, you know what's funny is I was eating those french fry coleslaw fucking

I almost said tuberculosis sandwiches um Meat sandwiches And the whole weekend though. I was also doing yoga every day Because I was not going to have my back give out on me While I was out on the ice because I already knew what my performance level was going to be like so I kind of like Offset it a little bit, but uh, I'm looking pretty doughy these days not liking myself whatsoever um

So anyways that that was basically my weekend and then the rose ball was an absolute It was awesome and I'm so pissed at myself that I got that fucking drunk And I was belligerent and then also that I forget some of the best part and the tailgate flew by And I have to wait a whole nother year next year. I'm drinking fucking I'm drinking miller. That's it Champagne of beer. I'm doing that. They go down nice and easy at fucking seven in the morning Kick a couple lows back when I have an omelet throw the football around fucking tailgate like you've been there before bill You know, I'm like at these fucking rose ball tailgates

I'm like charlie brown every fucking year trying to kick the football and lucy pulls it away. How many fucking years bill? One of them. I was stone sober You know, it's funny. I don't even remember that one either um Anyways, but as always jason lawhead Rose bull tailgate legend if you ever are around that man when he's near a fucking grill Grab yourself a paper plate and wait your fucking turn because that dude he just keeps getting better at cooking. It's fucking insane I remember one point some woman walked by and she looked at the fucking

The the pork shoulder that he was he was smoking And she said oh, that's nice And I swear to god if I had a couple more beers, I would have tackled her That's nice fucking Kind of understatement is that? I vaguely remember talking into a camera shit face going. Did you grow up in a city of gold? You know, it's fucking nice

Jesus christ. I'm sure your mom was swell Um, all right, let's plow ahead here. Um What else did I want to talk about? I didn't even have a chance to watch any of the football And I apologize what I said about the eagles. I'm not trying to rub your face in it Did anybody see the video with that guy that eagle fans spit in that? saints fans face um I don't condone that behavior, but you're a fucking asshole

The other guy was a fucking asshole Jumping up, but you don't do that. There's there's an etiquette when you go into another stadium When you okay, you want to show up wearing your your your fucking colors All right, you know, everybody's gonna break your balls you go in You fucking roll with it. You laugh you take the shit and then You show that you're not going to be an asshole and usually that works other than you know on like In oakland san francisco

San Diego are Philly for some reason I don't know out here that you get stabbed or shot or just it just it gets really ugly Um And in Philly, you know, I guess it gets ugly too, but it's not like there hasn't been a bunch of stories about it That team just lost in the playoffs people like what he does never right to cheer. He isn't cheering He's turning around filming sad eagle fans walking out of the stadium Screaming who day who day and all this type of shit And I guess the dude I'd listen to it at the airport. It was really loud

I guess he said I'm gonna spit in your face and he kept doing it in this dude just fucking effortlessly, you know Fluidly as he was exiting the stadium spit right in this guy's face and which is a terrible fucking thing to do You shouldn't do it But it's one of those that guy literally should just go to central park at three in the morning Dressed like Liberace jumping up and down Holding a satchel of money Go look at all the money I got right and then when he gets hit over the head and mugged All right, that's that's still wrong. It shouldn't happen. But what what are you doing?

Why don't you tie a big fat steak to your fucking stomach and you have bloody steak and go jump in an alligator infested fucking lake Why don't you do that? And then I'm supposed to feel bad for you when the alligator fucking eats you. All right um That eagle fan was wrong. He shouldn't have done that shit, but the Saints fan was was reckless with his own well-being

careless sloppy All right, if you were driving a fucking boat you would have run out of ground Because you weren't paying attention You had no respect for yourself or your own safety or the dryness of your face in that moment, sir All right, and he was not cheering he was taunting he was filming eagle fans leaving Screaming that hoot a all right. He's lucky. He didn't get a bucket of urine dumped over his head. Do you do that in Philly?

I'm surprised you lived So there you go. So look up that video and like I said, I don't condone that behavior obviously But I can't judge it considering I yelled at a young lady young lady in cowboy boots because I was drunk So now I am back on the wagon All right, and I reserve the right that if I'm uh, you know If anything else like that happens, I'm gonna I'm gonna start drinking again, but I'm not I'm not you know like that fucking You know I I'll give a fuck how long you were sober you would have started drinking too

Anyways, uh, what else and Jesus Christ Oh my god, I would say if I ever see somebody with Kansas City Jersey on or something I'd just give him a hug, but I wouldn't do that because that would actually make it worse That would be some sort of pandering uh What happened to Kansas City chiefs fans should not happen to anybody and I that includes Yankee fans nobody Should have to fucking go through that

But that is today's nfl with the rule changes you are never out of it That was absolutely fucking insane I feel bad for chief fans and uh I feel great for Andrew Luck because I like that guy man. I really think that that guy is a uh Obviously, I mean I'm not going out on that guy is showing he's got that l-way thing He's got that fucking l-way thing. He's got a cannon he can run He's never better than when the game's on the fucking line. He's showing hints of that and uh It's fucking scary the potential of that guy

um Anyway, all these guys cam newtons have an unbelievable year Um, did they play this weekend? I missed everything I missed everything. I was too busy fucking uh Having the weekend of my life. I still cannot fucking believe that happened I still cannot believe how nice All the players were how gracious all of them were They they would just if they were fucking hilarious

Just stand around drinking beers breaking balls and then you went out you played hockey with it was just it was fucking unbelievable Un-unfucking believable I'm believe I'll never get over it greatest fucking weekend of my life. Um Anyways, so now yeah, that's my thing. I'm officially fucking old as hell 45 gonna be 46 this year So I'm doing the I'm hitting the yoga hard this year because I was starting to have like I like I'm so old I like throw out my back sleeping It's so fucking humbling

You sit there and you lie to you say, you know, I look good for my age I can still run around and shit and it just you just can't after a while. I don't know what it is How do you throw you back out sleeping? Don't even fucking say it's a mattress. I've been sleeping on this mattress It's a newer one. I've been sleeping on it for a couple years. It's still got years left in it It's me Oh Jesus Christ I wake up in the morning and my dog She does two stretches

Up dog down dog and she is shakes herself and she is ready to go She gets a yawn in there somewhere else and she's ready to go and then she's staring at me and at this point She knows not to get too excited because she knows the entire stretching routine That I have to go through just to walk her down the street She gets excited But then she just knows I have to I got to do like this whole like this six-minute stretch routine And it drives it drives her nuts trying to fucking remain calm because she wants because she loves going outside like every dog

So goddamn bad I don't know. I guess I just I just have to uh, I just have to accept it and uh, oh, I forgot to mention that the new year's gig We got a bunch of emails people some people came in from new mexico phoenix salt lake city san francisco portland Sacramento chicago san diego new york city and vancouver man, that's just That's fucking awesome, man. I I and I gotta tell you that that was a great show that night That really was a great show. I'm not even gonna lie. I was uh, I was on my game. Everybody was on that game

uh, if you came that night, you definitely got a uh Definitely got your money's worth and I'm actually thinking about maybe doing new years in la every other year Because I you know I got the new hour going where it's supposed to be And it's worth the money every other year as far as like, uh If you if I just did your fucking city, you know what I mean?

If I come back a year later like half my acts still can be the same and I I fucked you over So I do it like every other year um Whatever, I don't need to break down my fucking process. I don't want you guys an explanation. Do I? I don't fucking know anyways, uh Where are we? Where are we in the podcast here? 43 minutes flying by here? All right, let's get to uh, oh here's an email right here Conveniently enough about the uh, the will turn

uh, billywood I was at the will turn last night For your show my girlfriend and I drove drove down from portland. Jesus christ, dude Take the five south the whole fucking way Uh, we got tickets right when you announced it because we knew we wouldn't want to do Any of the traditional new year plans dinner and parties and all that bullshit They are all mediocre best, but last night's show was hilarious. Thank you. Everyone was hilarious Up and down the funniest show I've ever seen we stayed for the countdown and you didn't disappoint

Oh, it's great. We had a dj and I got to do the countdown And sing that depressing song was fucking awesome Uh, I said if ever the end of the world is coming I'd want you to do the final countdown before we all burst into oblivion. Thanks again for the laughs come to portland Christ, it's been forever. Yeah, I haven't been there in a while. Thank you. That isn't even like a question or anything That was just a nice email and I appreciate it All right, australia Uh, hi, I was wondering if bill will return to australia. I have a group of friends who would appreciate seeing a stand-up show

Thank you and kind regards. Look how nice these emails are this week I think everybody made a new year's resolution to be a little nicer to me in the emails You know, maybe for once think about my feelings uh, yes I was talking to my agent today about, uh, putting together a run through, uh, australia and, uh And my fucking goddamn phone never stops I'm definitely going to do it. I mean, I'm hoping to tour the entire country. If not, I am at the very least I'm going to do

a number of cities That is the game plan. I'm hoping to go from Perth all the way across. We'll see What it looks like. You never know what, um You know, when you're going to cities, you never been to you don't know if people are going to show up You got to get a promoter who's going to believe in you. You got to get people who are going to hype the show Yada yada yada, but uh, I really hope that uh, we can put something together. Maybe tack on new zealand while I'm at it We shall see we shall see but it's nice to know that people are asking. All right long distance hiking now last week I mentioned That I went on a hike and we just kept going and going like assholes

Not realizing that we had to walk back Hiking is not like a treadmill. You don't just get to step off and be like, oh, I'm still Despite the fact I walked for an hour. I am still only You know 10 paces from my foot in the parking lot in my car um, we ended up going on like a an 11 mile hike and uh it was uh exhausting to say the least so this person is writing about long distance hiking Another great old man thing to do yoga

hockey ice hockey and uh hiking You know You know, um, all right. Hey bill. I've been listening to your podcast long enough to know that you love hiking You hate getting fat And you get easily annoyed by day-to-day bullshit. I really think you'd enjoy backpacking. Oh Jesus Backpacking I know it's awesome, but can you call it something else?

Backpacking I just feel like I'm fucking waiting for a bus picking my nose By ready to get this shit kicked out of me Hey, you guys want to go backpacking? It's a pack you put on your back And you go backpacking Um, or long distance hiking. Okay, let's call it that It's a really I long distance hiking freaks me out because I feel at that point You've walked long enough to run into something that can maul you to death slash rip your face off

Or at the very least just sort of bite your throat until it stops feeling the pulse You know start getting into that next weight class of animals I don't know, you know mountain lions black bear grizzly bear Fucking anaconda whatever exotic pet that somebody let loose that has no natural enemy that is now taking over the forest um

Longest or long distance hiking. It's really It's really freeing to walk away from civilization for a week or more with a Solid pair of boots and everything you need strapped to your back Dude, fuck that. You're more man or woman than I am. I I can't fucking deal with that. I get scared I get I get freaked the fuck out. I'd have to be out there with somebody who knew what they were doing who had a gun Uh automatic too not even semi automatic I need something that I could spray in the general direction of the sound. I just heard and you know if we kill a couple of backpackers There's no one else around

burying them is optional I would say leave them above ground because they'll get picked away a lot quicker Then people will find their clothes. I guess the bones would be there That's creepy. See what happens when you go out in the wilderness? So you start fucking talking about shit like that I live in a suburb Okay, there's plenty of people to shoot and I never think of doing it. They're right out there Right fucking out there. I never think of shooting them all of a sudden you get me backpacking or long distance hiking And I'm trying to think out of buried bodies

All right, every time I finish a long hike I come back looking healthier and leaner And feeling refreshed. Yeah, because you're out there eating berries wiping your ass with fucking pine cones That's that that's why you have that peculiar look on your face Uh, no matter how much you eat on the trail you're guaranteed to lose weight if you spend six hours a day hiking With a 35 pound backpack. There's no need to limit yourself To salads and juice. I can't tell you how many times I've had

Older day hikers look at my backpack and tell me they wish they had done more backpacking when they were able to It's a really unique experience experience out there on your own. Yeah, I bet it is. Well, what can you please write back and tell me, uh What you do about animals, man Because I'm telling you right now. I'm not doing this You know, the only way I would do this is I was in a fucking platoon and we all had machine guns just in case I missed Um anyways Oh, here he goes. He's gonna calm me down and it isn't nearly as dangerous or as difficult as people make it out to be If you stay on the trail, you'll usually run across another hiker every few hours. Oh, that's comforting

That's comforting every couple hours. I can run into johnny apple seat But during the other hour and 50 minutes. I'm on my own all right Uh, you're running usually run into another hiker every few hours that can help you if you get hurt And bears mountain lions and all those other beasts kill a lot fewer people than los angeles traffic accidents do Well, I used to do a bit on that. Well, obviously because the fucking You know, there's you're running into one person Every two hours, sir. Let's do the math here. Okay

Here's the deal There's like seven million people in los angeles Okay You can't fucking go anywhere without running into like a thousand fucking people out here You're somewhere where you walk every two hours and run into one human being so obviously I can guarantee you if those lions and mountain lions were down here The death rate would be through the fucking roof All right, this is the guy is what he says to he goes just keep your food away from your tent and you'll be fine

Do you understand sir that you're telling me to do something where if I'm too near my food supply I could possibly get eaten to death You want me to leave my living room? You know, why can't I just sit on my back porch? Listen, I would love I would love to to Go hiking like that. I I really would but I cannot get past Um

No, and I don't think you should be able to get past it that there's that type of shit is out there All right, and if you get mauled to death As a stand-up comedian Yeah, you really would just look into trouble. Weren't you? I That's you know, somebody just asked me to do a cruise To do stand-up on a cruise and I I told them I wasn't going to do it And they said why not and I said because I'm terrified of the ocean

Okay, that's why I don't I I I respect it the ocean is not the ocean It is the ocean but it's it's literally You're talking about It's outer space on earth That's what it is Okay, you can't breathe in it You're not you can't be in it if you're in it too long

You're you're either going to get hypothermia or something's going to come up and take a bite out of you to see if you're edible Or you're going to drown Those are your three fucking options And I know what you're thinking dude cruise is a safe man You're out there on this big fucking boat. Yeah, and until you're not until you're not And then you proceed to die one of these slowest most terrifying fucking deaths that there is treading water in the middle of fucking nowhere

And somebody's gonna die no matter how fast they can fucking get you out there Somebody is gonna die and people follow I fucking would did one cruise In my life and I could not I couldn't get past the fact that I was on something That the second it fucking shits the bed and I know you guys think that you go I've been on cruises and go fuck yourself. I talked to the band That was on this cruise ship for fucking years and they told me stories Over a little fucking plate of jello late at night those awful cruise desserts Some poor excuse for fucking I also I don't like fucking going out there and all of a sudden

It's maritime laws and this douchebag Who didn't even run for office is now telling me what the he heats it's whatever he says goes With his stupid ass fucking outfit Go fuck yourself Um, they told me stories Okay They told me they told me enough fucking stories about food poisoning about shit backing up about uh one engine not working And now they're going half speed and then they don't make it to all the cities and then they make up shit about hurricanes

And then they have fucking trust me People having medical issues and having to be fucking helicoptered off And flown as quickly as humanly possible not to the best possible hospital to the nearest one All right, and you're going on a cruise They go all over the fucking world And they go buy a bunch of fucking countries that you wouldn't want to fucking get if I have a goddamn hangnail in But all of a sudden they're the closest one and that's where the fuck you're going Dole here dr. Harry hack it off fuck that

Fuck that All right Fucking combined stand-up comedy in water world. I'm not doing it. All right, so that's the thing about I would absolutely love To go backpacking. I would love to do that. I would love to go up fucking mountains. I would love to do that It's way better than going to the gym. I understand 100 What you're talking about but Dude that shit where you run into a bear mama bear and it just

Turns around and just runs at you 35 40 miles an hour You basically and you're sitting there hearing this this beast Like trees getting out of the fucking way It's this thing is just coming flying down the fucking hill at you and you're running Knowing you're gonna get caught And you're hearing your stupid pots and pans clinking clanking together

And all you're trying to do is just get out in front of your friend So he's the one that goes down and so you can live knowing For the rest of your life what your strategy did killed your friends here in his Christ Whatever the what is the sound of having your face ripped off I like to lose weight like the next guy Jesus go out there with your beer your fucking bear mace Fuck all of that

bears mountain lions poisonous snakes What about if you just and then all the fucking varmints out there I love that word because you sent me sam's the only person I ever heard use it and I when I found out It was actually a credible word and not something made up I absolutely love that word varmints You know badgers wolverines

bobcats People look at bobcats like they're no big deal. Have they gotten scratched by a fucking house cat? How bad that that thing can fuck you up with its little ass fucking paws All right You you want a goddamn links jumping on you Going to fucking town because it's bored or you freaked it out Or you came near too near something that it peed on And you have no fucking idea

That's another thing dude. You're in their world This guy actually actually respected the fact that I said I'm not doing it But I also he I think he thought it was pretty peculiar that I wouldn't do uh stand up on a cruise I just jumped subject. Sorry And uh, and I was waiting for him to ask me why and I would just be like well, you know, would you do a podcast? You know and on a boat in a lake that's full of fucking alligators I mean you can okay. We're on the boat. Everything's fucking fine, but it really is just an unnecessary risk that you take

Goes all the way back to that fucking saints fan He got off easy That same fucking guy put that guy with his jersey with his video camera camera Walking up to a mama bear screaming who day who day and all that type of shit. He's worried about getting spit in his face He would have bear saliva all around his fucking neck Ah Jesus christ I've actually thought about that like what do I have to do if a bear was running right at me I just wish that I would have

The wherewithal to run right at it Like you know if a shark was coming at me swim right at it and as quickly as you can Shove your fucking head in there and get it over with That is the only fucking strategy What are you gonna climb a tree? Things gonna go right up that tree. Do you ever see that youtube video of those guys sitting in the tree hunting that bear and all Of a sudden the bear just literally runs up the tree next to him and is like

Like I don't know Seven feet above him on the tree next to him Leaning out sniffing at them trying to figure out what the fuck they are and I love how the bears just instinctively instinctively know it's just like like With that bear Eight feet above you that's like when you're in the upper deck of a stadium You know and your shit faced And you get into it with somebody two rows behind you they automatically have the advantage because they're punching down

Right, you're gonna lose that fight. You're gonna fall on your back. You're probably gonna break your ankle Something's gonna get twisted It's this guy's punching down at you now. Just imagine it was a bear That was the situation these people are in you got to check out that video this fucking bear It was on the ground And they're whispering in their little fatigues looking at this thing and then this thing I don't know how it found him You just heard

And that was it over this thing was all of a sudden not on the floor of the forest 20 feet down it was now eight feet above them sniffing at them like oh, is that a food source? Jesus dude, you really just hit on like two people today hit on two tremendous fears I have being alone in the fucking wilderness and and and being out to see Fuck both of those although I want to hear the stories if you do it You know, not if you went on a cruise. I don't give a shit Going out there eating jello with your date rape drug fucking weirdo You know to go see the reunion of wham

Cindy Loper cruise whatever the fuck you're doing. I don't know. All right advice on college selection Oh wait, let me let me read the last couple of fucking Ads here All right. Oh the classic here we go taking it to the street stamps.com everybody One great resolution you can make for this new year Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business and you know what? I know an easy way to do that an easy simple way. What is it? It's stamps.com Think about how much time you've wasted going to the post office. Are you done thinking about it?

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The holidays are coming that you're still with this This copy e-voice. Are you serious? E voice the holidays are coming everybody. They're only 12 months away And as a business owner, you know what that means crickets face it the next couple of months Or 12 months are are the calm before the storm Now it's the time to do something that will dramatically help your 2014 e-voice e-voice is the simple technology that helps you make more money with e-voice toll-free Or local numbers call routing tools and a professional dial

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And i'm conflicted as to what school I want to attend after high school I've narrowed it down to two colleges. I want to attend each polar opposites Jesus dude, this is like one of the biggest decisions of your young life And you just heard me trying to read out loud Okay, so take everything that I say With a grain of salt. All right, the first this person is considering is the university university of arizona the safe Cheaper choice where all my buddies are going to go and it's in it's in state with about 40 000 enrolled students I gotta tell you right off the bat

That sounds fun because I don't like to read. I don't like to study. I like to drink with my friends and I like talking to the ladies So i'm already liking university arizona goddamn, but that sounds like a nightclub to me Uh, they off okay. They offer my first choice for a major What they offer my first choice for a major Oh, they offer my first choice for a major which is nutrition And it's a two hour drive from home, which is nice considering my family Is still mourning the loss of my dad. Ah, Jesus dude. I'm sorry to hear that Wow, all of a sudden that takes all the fun out of this

Uh, the downside is that everyone from my high school goes there and I feel like it's A cop out choice. I have a good. Yeah I know what you mean I know what you mean, you know, plus you want to meet all a bunch of a bunch of new women, you know Supposedly got some shady past that's always great to go to a new college. You just fucking reinvent yourself um Like hipsters try to do they try to act like they were the cool guy in high school That fucked the cheerleaders, you know as they sit there dressed like robert fulton for no fucking apparent reason

Anyways, I had a good g uh good gpa fantastic test scores and enough extra curriculars to get me into some pretty selective schools So I feel like u of a isn't enough of a challenge I don't really have much incentive to go there and I fear i'll be unhappy I'll be unhappy there due to the lack of risk taking. All right, dude. You sound like you make you're already making the choice I feel you leaning Um, you jumping off sides here Uh, the other is louis and clark college Now jesus christ

A liberal arts college in a beautiful part of portland, dude, you just went from blondes and bikinis to uncontrolled bushes We're in bergenstocks now. I know i'm stereotyping All right. Yeah, jesus christ You really are a smart one, aren't you? Now, you know what? Okay, wait a minute. I'm gonna stop being an asshole You know what university going to the fucking university of arizona from what i've heard That's just like remember that guy used to take those creepy videos of the girls gone wild

you know Because girls got roofied was a little too, uh On the nose That's what those arizona colleges sound like Um, I had a buddy of mine from high school. He went out there and he got all fucked up It was it was too much girls came to fucking classes and bikini tops. What were you supposed to do? Anyways, he goes the other is louis and clark. At least they did back in the 80s. The other is louis and clark college It's a liberal arts college in a beautiful part of portland portland, organ is fucking gorgeous with about 2000 kids

It'd be a nice distance away from home And it's the college where my heart lies. What do this is it right here? 2000 kids is great, man Going to a school where it's a fucking city Look, they all have their own bus system, man. That's insane Um, just personally speaking. He said it'd be a nice distance away from home And it's the college where my heart lies. Yeah, dude, and you grew up in arizona Go see something different

Uh, the campus is absolutely incredible and we have family up there in case something goes wrong It's a tad more pricey, but my family set up is my sent my family set up To where I have the option to spend a lot on college the downside is that it's such a change for me a new city I have visited It but it's far away from home night. No high school friends and i'm a natural pessimist So I wonder what the gloomy gray winters will do to me mentally. Oh, dude. Fuck this man, man up You want to go you're scared you should be scared you're 18, but it's it's good This is a good thing to be scared of and to get over you got to go out there, dude

Jesus christ You live in arizona you can fucking come there anytime you want to Fuck that go away to school, man Portland is the shit Oregon's beautiful all the way up into washington. It's fucking gorgeous, man Cruise down to coups bay. I've been all over that fucking state. It's awesome. And not only that, you know, they got great college football up there now If you're into that type of shit go to one of those oregon games that fucking do that in a second Um, anyways, I'll keep going. He says the portland weather is almost the polar opposite of arizona weather and that spooks me

Uh, dude Rain doesn't hurt All right, you'll be fine You know, all right, still I feel like lewis and clark is the opportunity that I've been waiting for plus i'm a Relatively solitary person. So I think I'd fit in with a more mellow campus Than a fraternity run school like u of a that sounds like you would Essentially it comes down to huge party school versus beautiful small liberal arts school The thought of being alone with no one I know in a new school scares me and excites me at the same time

Let me know thanks in advance. Go fuck yourself. Dude. You've already made your uh decision You want to challenge yourself? It's exciting. You're gonna meet new people. It's gonna be awesome, dude It's gonna be fucking awesome Go up there and have a great time and uh, as far as I know if there's a party going on you basically have a party school okay And you don't want to all you want to do is just fucking party the whole goddamn time because you're not going to learn anything It's going to go by like that tailgate I went to and you're going to be drunk and belligerent and act like a fucking moron And come out of there with a big booze head. You don't want to do that either

Um, believe me If you think that people aren't partying in portland first of all if I had to guess they probably make insane fucking weed In that state I don't know if it's legal, but by the time fucking november rolls around it probably will be Oh, jesus I I mean I would live there I would live In seattle. I would live in portland. I would live in any either. Well either one of those states

More northern oregon or I would live on on the coast It's just Some of the most lush Land you're ever gonna see with all of that rain. I'm telling you It's absolutely fucking gorgeous, man. It's fucking gorgeous. You know when the people are smart You know rains all the time they got nothing to do with sit around and read Um, all right advice dear bill bow faggots. Oh jesus he went homophobic I am taking an anatomy class before I start the med school shit show

Oh, jesus. All right, there's this hot chick that I've been do this sounds like the beginning of a porno You're gonna be a doctor in medical school. You're taking an anatomy class Here comes this hot chick and what she wants you to help her out with the anatomy as you take out your fucking dick there He goes there's this hot chick that I've been talking to but I feel creepy about asking her asking her out While we're digging out A dead grandmother's fallopian tube together who is probably a peach Dude I'm gonna tell you right now. You're you're you're in the game. You are so in the game You don't even fucking understand it. All right. You're

You're smart enough to be in medical school. You're gonna be a doctor. So right there. You're a fucking rock star to women They all who doesn't want to bring him. He's in medical school. He's got a mom and dad I'm I'm dating a fucking guy in medical school and on top of that you're fucking hilarious That's it one two punch. It's over Up a cut to the fucking snatch over there. Um He said how should I approach this? By the way, when are you gonna come to san francisco with gingerly love

Um, let's see here. How do you approach it? Well, dude, you're Well, you don't have to hit on her while you're working. How about you're in the when you're in the lunch room? Like dude, you're already You're so fucking in there. It's ridiculous. You're already funny as fucking hell So I have total faith in you all you all you need is a location I would say yeah when you're not standing next, you know digging into a cadaver Other than that, you know Just start working on her

Working on you know make her laugh at work ask her about her background, but blah blah blah, you know But don't fucking you know talk to her too long before asking her out You know work the body a little bit. Hey, would you grow up? How many brothers and sisters you got blah blah blah blah? You know, I don't know ask you you seen anybody Would you like to fucking see me and then you fucking open your your lab coat with nothing underneath it? Your flasher So you can get away with it. You're in anatomy class. Bang. That's how you do it now Um, dude, you're gonna be fine. You don't need my fucking help

all right Just don't do it when you're dissecting shit All right, Jesus christ is that guy fucking killing it or what? Don't you wish you had his life? If you could do it over again, are you smart enough to get into medical school and there's some hot chicken you're fucking class Jesus I can tell you this sir. She's gonna be the first of many All right, you motherfucker. All you got to do is walk around with that stethoscope around your fucking lab coat with your scrubs on forget it It's gonna be raining hailing fucking

Johnny blue top shelf Fucking pussy for you good good on you Good on you sir. You study You study the nice school. You deserve it or you fucking uh, you were born with the a brain. You got the a brain Every tell you about that my philosophy some people get the a brain some people get the b brain Some people get the c brain and then after that. I don't I don't make fun of people All right, I make fun of the the c brain The c brain is is that person that you know

You know, you know those mouth breathing fucking morons those people. All right They got the c brain that one where they can get a driver's license You know They can pour themselves a bowl of cereal, but and they can get to work on time You know You know those people like when you ask them a question they get a look on their face almost like they're gonna start crying That would be the c brain The b brain

Would be would be me you're smart, but you're a fucking idiot And then the a brain is you just you know Just straight across the board. You're a number one draft pick All right, I would go late in the third round, but I got a lot of hot. All right the campaign voice built Uh, we're gonna get America back to work and it's time we give tax cuts to people who Who really need them had me rolling when I first heard you do that stereotypical campaign voice, you know, it's funny I don't even know What voice that is

I remember saying that stuff I Do I I don't I'm thinking like I don't yell do I I didn't fucking know I can't remember anyways I've heard you do the campaign voice a few times on conan opiate anthony etc Do you do that in your act or was that just something you did during the presidential election season? It must have been because I can't remember how to do it It must have been because I can't remember how to do it

Oh, this is fucking killing me Do I do it my am I do I do I have a funny voice and I'm not utilizing I could get me another fucking desperate six minutes to my act Uh, would you do a few minutes of it on your next podcast? Well, what am I a fucking jukebox? Listen, I'll do it for you, but you got to send the audio if you're doing your impression of it All right, you got to make an ass of yourself and then I'll fucking tap dance for you Um Thanks, he says thanks. I've been paying attention to your comedy since I caught your half hour special

When I was in middle school I'm now 47. No kidding. I'm really happy for all your success and I wish you continued success Jesus christ people are coming out of the gate in 2014 really nice. Thank you very much, sir How do I do that thing How do I do the campaign voice that's not the one that Absolutely They just like was was it that one now you got me in my head See I'm a I'm I'm smart, but I'm a fucking idiot. I can't even remember the shit that I do

Ah fuck anyways Here's the wrap up everybody now that the show is over Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime Anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast everybody and get a free trial Extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the hulu plus banner or Go to hulu plus dot com slash bill. That's hulu plus dot com slash bill There you go. Um All right, that's the podcast for this week and um

Once again from the bottom of my heart Thank you to randy bowman for hooking me up with the uh The gig thank you to mario lemieux And all everybody at the camp everybody that I played with everybody who laughed at the jokes from me and steve burn told them Um, I don't want to speak for steve, but I think I can that was uh We were just shaking our heads today. Uh We flew back we connected in dallas and we got uh

Um, they were de-ice in our plane. So we missed the connecting flight and we got stuck there for a couple of hours Um, those of you who follow me on twitter. I was twittering my fucking misery when I was there Um until I saw the guy with the neck brace sneezed that fucking killed me The look of panic on his face because he knew he was going to sneeze and he knew it was going to hurt I if I could ever if I could do that face on cue. I swear to god I could win a fucking oscar Um, but anyways, we were sitting there in the in the airport just talking about Just talking about how Just shaking our head

It was unbelievable. Well, as always, you know, I'm not going to name names and all that type of shit Um But it was it was fucking amazing man fucking amazing. So, uh, that's it man. That's my that's how my 2014 started and um People actually have pictures of me now wearing Pittsburgh penguin jersey That's the only thing but I was willing to pay that price um

I got to thank tai domi for punching off samuelson in the face It's just how do you fucking beat that? How where does 2014 go from here? The best Now my kingdom Oh Oh Oh