Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-22
00:00Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast atJust check it in on you. I'm just checking to seeHow you doing? I hope you're doing great. How about that? There's something nice. IDon't care what color tie you're wearing. Ohwait a minute happyInsurrection anniversary dayAka the keg party gone wrongJesus Christ, man. They're fucking putting the screws to those people people getting four years five years
00:39You know, I don't knowWhat do you know I gotta be honest with you if you're gonna keep your own people that's stupidYou can't get upset that every once in a while they're gonna storm the castleAll right, I think we should have taken a as Americans we should have taken a long hard lookAt the lit the stupidity that had gathered and all agreed with one anotherAnd realized that we really need to put more funds into public schools or whateverWe need people to have you know, they need to be more learnedYou know I'm saying don't
01:18UmYeah, that was just a sea of idiots andRegardless of political beliefs before people think that this is gonna be someO'billy fucking blue bra, Hollywood lefty leaning thing. I don't like to get extreme left eitherOh, look at you, Bill. Oh, you one of those guys who says he's right down the middle. I amRight up your fucking ass right down the middleUmThat's what if I was the judge I just want to talk to you know, some of those people they got all the way in there
01:55That was a funny thing. They didn't think they were gonna get that far and then they got they got all the way in thereThey're sitting at the desk of the people that they didn't like that they wanted to talk to they didn't know what to doThat was like the JokerI'm a dog chasing a car. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught itThat's what happened to him. Then they sat at the desk. They're like, uhAmericaJust started tipping over stuff and smear and shit on the wallThey literally acted like a bunch of animals that got out of a fucking zoo
02:33Man that would be the shit to be the judge on one of thoseI'd act like I was presiding and doing all that but really I'd be trying to get all kinds of inside scoopYou know, I just be likeHey for real likeLike what were you thinking?Like how far did you put like how far ahead were you think were you just like in a zone?Like a dumb person's own right foot and now left foot and right foot keep walking towards that thing that I'm mad atUm
03:08You know, I don't knowAll I can say is thank God they will you know for the most part they were all white people so they won't be in jail longAnywayYou know, I don't want to sit there and trash him the whole timeBut I got to say they they fucking got real closeThey got real close. They just picked the wrong centuryIf they got that far in the 17 or 1800s well 1700s it wouldn't have been thereI don't know how we built the capital the 1800s if they got that far. They would have been running shit for at least the afternoon
03:51couple of daysFor people showed up with fucking muskets and stuffBut that's back then when you could fight people offIt was a lot easier back then to overthrow a government, you know what I mean?All you needed was a couple of your dear hunting friendsand a good planLittle Ted offensive redneck style you could get right in there you could do itCan't do that anymore the technology is too good, which is why I always crack up when I hear
04:26The gun people say they want their guns, you know come and get them. It's just like all right. Well, you knowWe don't want to kill you but you know we have the technology to have a nerdWho can't even do a pull-up three states away?Fly a drone over to your house and vaporize you while you're eating Frito dip before you even know you're under attackI mean we could do thatIf we choseUmThere's one upside all of this, you know if those people actually succeeded
05:03If you could block out the Confederate flag on the moneyThat guy with the buffalo head would look pretty good, you know right down the middleMean if I was like a tourist they'd be like hey man, you knowThis country seems all these fucking people get after itIWant how many chicks that guy met shirtless, you know buffalo head American flagYou know to a lot of women that guy was a heroYou know, maybe not women that you know whether you choose to associate with
05:41Or maybe you know, maybe you do maybe you took a picture with one of themAnd eight people on Twitter got upset and then all of a sudden apologies had to be issuedWhat in the fuck are we doing by the way?With all of this crap, I just don't understand any of itAre you I owe you an apology because you don't like my friendIt's fucking seventh grade Bill, I think you're oversimplifying the issue am I?Well, that's what my brain does it overly simplifies things so I don't get overwhelmed. Do you ever think about that?Maybe I need to dumb things down in my mind
06:26So I could get my fucking head around itAnyway, I am actuallyTaking the fuck from today for the rest of the weekend off. I ain't doing shitI've been working my ass offRight through the friggin holidays and I have a little four-day window. Oh, Bill. What are you gonna do?Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna doWe get a little fire pit going. I'm gonna watch the Bruins. I'm watch the Bruins in like two months. IKnow what doing all right. We got a fucking three-game winning streak
07:00Playing 600 ball here, we got the Minnesota wildTerrible nameBeautiful third Jersey great arena incredible fans. They were the fucking north starsThey should have been able to keep that name the way the Cleveland Brown fans at least kept the name the Cleveland BrownsThe Dallas stars, I guess it kind of makes senseCowboys have a starRight Dallas starThe lone star state
07:38You know people in Dallas are like country western famous is how they carry themselves, you knowYou ever see a cowboy with Botox?That's DallasIf you ever wonder what the cast of bonanza would look like with frozen face that is Dallas, TexasIt isn't but it's a funny imageDallas is actually might be my favorite city inTexas IUsed to fucking hate Houston and I think it was because I always went there in the summertime
08:15And it was just fucking like melt the bottom of your shoes hotIn fact, I remember I went to a game at the Astro Dome one of the last years they had itIJust remember walking across that parking lot and I could feel like the bottom of my feet was so fucking hotIt was just oh it's a brutal dayBrutal day and I was walking in the dome like this place better have AC because they were about ready to tear it downYou know that is you're gonna tear something down if the air conditioning starts leaking you're not gonna fix itbut I went in there and
08:52Had a great time a lot of interesting triviaWho hit the first home run at the Houston Astro Dome?Mickey MantleLatest career to me that kind of signaled like aTransition of errors it had to have been to see Mickey Mantle play in that placeAfter playing in original Yankee StadiumThe not the house that Ruth built the house that they built for Babe RuthWith a fucking two-foot right field
09:23fenceI have to find that picture that original fence if you backed up to catch a fly ballIt would have hit you right behind your knees and you would have fell into the front rowBut that's when fans used to behave themselvesDid they I don't even know I don't know what they did back then it did all depends on like who you talk to and some ofThe shit that you read aboutLike that's better though people were better back then it's like okay, but I also saw that movie gangs in New YorkYou know
09:56Which then you know out of that shit came more organized crimeAnd that whole fucking error I don't knowIt all the P in order is it all depends on what part of the world you're looking into you peer into when you go in the backYou go back into the past to say which is you know it was a simpler time. No your life was simplerYou know like to me the good old days is the 70s and 80s, but anyone who was an adult those were not good timesCrack 80scocaine the big lieright
10:34FuckingWhat is it the 70s who the fuck is else my wife? Jesus Christ that just scared the shit out of me had the fucking window openI saw somebody walk by on my peripheralThat's that's the that's the length of my self-defenseWho the fuck is that? I'm a serial killer. Oh nice to meet youInto my life. Hope I didn't hurt your ears with that sound effect. Sorry. I never claimed to be Michael WinslowYou can't do the sound of a chainsawAnyway, yeah, I'm taking a little fucking couple of days off
11:13Gonna enjoy myself here, you knowAnd I'm doing that a couple times this yearSo I don't get a suicidalNot really suicidal, but you know that you just think of that shit you just start thinking of death as a releaseLike it's got to be amazingTo die if you have all of this work in front of you and just crushing debtYou know when you're laying there and the dopamine's kicking in IWould think that like it's open like this the dopamine kicking in combined with no more debt or fucking stress at work
11:51Is like doing like a speedball?That's the emotional heroin and cocaine. What am I talking about?Stop glamorizingI'm not I'm talking about mental health issues people. That's what I'm discussingYou know, I didn't see that I didn't see what that guy Antonio Brown. I didn't see what his statement wasBut yeah, they look like a manic episodeFucking unreal man people need helpWe used to fucking did we used to help him, I don't know what the fuck we did all I know is you just sort of let all
12:31Fucking people out on the street. They used to have it. I don't know. Maybe they haven't did it all get privatizedYou know, this is what I doI bring up big topics and then I don't have any information and then I ask you guys questions like you can answer meThat's how I do itThat is how I do it. So I'm fucking chilling out here. I'm gonna sleep for fucking four days andNot do anything. I'm gonna watch a little bit of hockey that I'm gonna get going againThat's how it is. All right, who do you guys like Monday night by the way?Crimson tight against the Georgia Bulldogs
13:13You know, I don't know who to root forOn a football level I have to root for Georgia just because Alabama has won so muchThen as I was saying beforepeople in GeorgiaThey look down on AlabamaLike they're not the same kind of stupid, you know, it's like when I moved to New York and I'd hear all these New Yorkers shitNon-New Jersey, it's like you guys are all drinking out of the same fucking tap waterNo, dude, no, I'm telling you it's different. It's different. It isn't
13:43It isn't. All right. They just didn't write enough good songs about New JerseyAll the good songwriters in New Jersey move to New York and then blue New York. I want to wake upin a cityThat doesn't sleepBabadoob out at me and find out, you know, there's not a lot to write about in New JerseyYou know whyBecause it's it's fucking relaxingNew Jersey has a lot of beautiful parts to it. You go into New York and everybody's fucking at each other's throats
14:23you knowTrying to get a bigger apartmentTrying to angle in on something trying to outbid somebodyGoing down there with that fucking bullshit. I don't if anybody could ever explain to me what what wall street isThat's like the track for rich peopleExcept it's it's got to be rigged because rich people don't like losing moneyI remember when I was a kid and I used to watch that stock market ticket thingThing going by would take a tape. What the fuck you call it the stock ticker
15:00Whatever the hell these the thing's calledI remember thinking like, you knowSomeday I would like to actually have a legitimate reaction to that thingThen I'll know that I actually have money and I'm doing well in life. Like I really believed that for a whileYou know, and here I am 53 fucking years old. I still look at I don't even know what it meansI know what it isIt's it's the different stocks and whether they're up or down, but I've never seen anybody looking at itOther than at wall street and for some stupid reason in new york
15:31They have it on the outside of a number of buildings and I have never seen anybody just sitting thereYou know at their mouth a gay bike. Oh my god, we're ruinedJust never happenedSorry having a little root beer here. It's all I gotokayWhen I get excitedYou know, this is what this is what the deal is in life. There's partying before you're 50 and then afterAnd partying after you're 50, let me tell you what that involves
16:07Being excited about getting into bed at 8 30 at nightI do that a lot sometimes but you don'tLet me go down a fucking rabbit hole instead of going to sleep. I gotta get one of those fucking michael jackson masksYou know what I mean? You sleep inside a fucking iron lungYou know, you get some chimpanzee that you trust to lock the thing and then he's gonna wake up the next morning and let you inYou're not gonna be like in that ex machinaWell, you're banging on the inside of the glass as the fucking monkey puts on a suit and walks out the doorExpressionless look on its face
16:40How great was that movie by the wayYou know, that was such a great movie. I was surprised that women's groups weren't upset by thatThat somehow they didn't catch the metaphorYou knowThis fucking broad was banging both of themShe fucking kills them bothIt takes off and I'm supposed to be rooting for her. Oh good. She's freeYou just killed two people
17:07You know, why couldn't you just say listen?You know talk to your ownerAs a robot you just talk to your owner and just say listen. I'm not happyOkay, it's not you. It's me. I just this relationship isn't working out for meAll rightAnd I'm being nice about this because I made out of titanium and if I wanted to if I really wanted toI could go upside your headThrough whatever limb you try and block
17:36And I could crush your fucking skullMy wife just walked in on the end of thatumOh, she has the earbuds and that's one of the greatest things for a marriage is earbudsYou knowYou don't have to hear the sound of your spouse's voice just driving you nuts in this stupid podcast one room awayDoing a bad frank sanatra. Hey neah, I gotta ask you a questionOkay at this point in your life
18:11HelloWell, you got to come closer to the microphone for the people hanging on my every word here boarding a southwest flight can enjoy thisI took southwest. Where the hell was I going? I went to Arizona. Oh my godFucking joke machine on the microphone. It's like I get it. They told you to use humorYou don't have to start assaulting me with your fucking airline jokesAll right, neah, I got to ask you a questionHuh, that's how my audience feels come over here if you're gonna trash meI said don't assault me with your comedy. She goes. That's how your audience feels come over here neah
18:50The lovely neah everybodySneaking in on the podcast since 200814 years neah, you've been walking into the room is the lovely neahI know and I haven't been on in a whileYou haven't it's almost like we had a couple of kids and we don't have time for each other anymoreSeriously, well, how you doing? I'm doing good. Here's my question for you. Okay at the age you're at nowgun to your headWhy does it have to be gun to my head? Can you just ask me?
19:17All right, my opinion. What are the state of your throat? Oh god slingshot to your assum new jerseyIn a house with a yard in a poolor ManhattanUh, you know doorman building with a viewNew jersey house with a pool told youI've been trying to tell them that there's a difference thispartying
19:45under 50 and over 50You know, I'm not 50 yet. How old are you again? I'm under 50I married a young and people I had to get abroad that was dumb enough to not realize what she was marriedIDid that's what I always say to you when you get mad at meYou knew what well, you knew what you were marryingNot fullyI feel like you don't really get to know someone after you until you've lived with them for a while
20:18How long do we live together before we actually got married? We were together foreverWe were basically mad we met each other were basically married two years in and I give more informationBut it ends up on the fucking internetOn some creepy site. Here's all you need to know. I gotta stop talking about we gotta start putting out misinformationThat's true. We metYeah, I was a woman when neah first met meLot changes folks lot changes has anybody ever transitionedFrom a brunette woman to a ginger male
20:54Do people turn into ginger males? I don't I you know transition to ginger. I don't know. Is that the correct terminologyNo, there's actuallyThis very hot transgendered porn star who I feel like is kind of redhead ish like has a redWhat fucking world are you in on the internet? No, no, he's hot. I have to find it for youSo which way did the train go?It went from female Adam to eve or eve to adamEve to adamYes
21:24And I gotta say he's hotHe's like really muscular very sexy. I'm telling youListen takes all kinds, you knowOh, that really annoyed that whole thing annoyed meI'm trying to get into shape and you're telling me that somebody who was wasn't wasn't even a redheadWas a brunette wasn't even a man got itTransition it became in better shape than me. I gave me aLike there was probably there were obviously some like chemical factors that went into that but you know
21:54Also, I feel like a lot of protein shakes andegg whitesOh, you're saying hghMaybe I don't know. I don't know. I'm all I'm saying is the porn stars get drug testedI don't know. I don't know whyWhy are you interrogating me about this?Because you didn't seem like a casual fan of porn if you were that far into itNo, I saw him on some like
22:18Something on hbo something that highlighted like trans people that was like he was one of the people that they profiledSo that's how oh watching porn. It wasn't the emis. No, it wasn't the emis eitherHe said something that highlights trans peopleHollywood award shows and then the next day conservative radio has a field dayI'm trying to watch that show like childrenIHad to dry my child's eyes with a confederate flag with what he saw tonightUm two shots. Nia at the confederate flag
22:56I had to admit I thought I think it's a cool-looking flag thoughHow you wrapping up? It's notAre you wrapping up?Back in the day when I used to watchWhen I used to watch the dukes of hazardsYeahHow did you view that show? I just viewed it was just a couple of good old boysThat was not my generation. It's crazy cooter. I got you got your ears on come on
23:18Um, that's what she saidUm, all right. Well, okay. It was nice talking to youUmI'm surprised, you know that 69 dodge challenger isn't more expensive with the amount of fucking challengesAre they ruined on that fucking show when they do those slow motion jumps like the editing on it?You literally watch them bend the frame so many fucking times. They probably had stock footage after a whileI mean, how many barns can you jump through? How about a shout out for this stuntman in their spinal their compacted spinal cords?On all of those shows burt reynolds used to do that
24:00The guy was starring in the movie and he'd still get in the car to fucking jump the goddamn lagoonAnd like a fucking 72 Ford, you know 500 whatever the hell those cars the LTDUmThat's back when they were men not these people and they were them airbagsAll right, anyway, I don't have any advertising. Can you believe it?Can you believe that what I talked about today that there's not a whole bunch of advertising trying to jump ontoThe people that would sit and listen to thisum
24:37I'm so old right nowI actually have my legs crossed and I'm like moving my foot for some stupid reasonLike at what point do you get so old that this is like comfortable?I think just one of your hips is so relieved that it doesn't have weight on itumAll right, so I'm going to watch the bruins versus to minnesota wildGod that's they they must have hated that name when it first came outHow about the minnesota wilderness?
25:06minnesota wildinYo, they be wildinYou know, but they could signAll the all the people of color in the nhlThen they'd have to play in minnesotaAll right, that was a stupid idea. All right, it's come. I'm gonna you know what by the end of the podcastI'm gonna come up. I'm gonna renameteams
25:29That have shitty fucking names. Okay, we're starting withThe minnesota wildUmYou know what I do like about teams in florida is how many of them named after like either weather or weather eventsYou knowThe heat the lightningAll down south the hurricanesRight
25:55What do you got dolphins? That was a dumb oneThat's just just one of that's one of those dumb team names. It's just been around so long that you don't noticethe dolphinsFuck and the sharks was available and they didn't go with that. They wanted the dolphinsAnd I know there's a bunch of nerves actually a dolphin is a mammal and it's a very highly intelligentOh, yeah, is that why they keep getting caught and going to seaworld?You knowThe smart criminals you don't even know their names
26:28If flipper was so goddamn fucking smart, how did he get locked into that fucking?Awful contract in the 1960s no residualsSpout in the same line every goddamn episode now Jesus bill. What are you talking about? I don't knowI don't know so i'm gonna chill out here for the next few daysI highly recommend it if you ever get a chance to do it because I find that uh, I come out the other sideYou know i'm a better parent. I can tolerate my wife a little moreNow she went downstairsIs there anything better than provoking a fight with your wife just to do it? You know what I mean like sparring
27:14And then you don't even care if you win so you actually get in the pocket you start destroying them in the argumentThis is when you knowYou're beating a woman in an argumentShe just abandons the topic and just goes what is your problem?No, no, no, I just mean like overallBecause they're trying to get it off the topic that they're losing onDon't just let's just expand this conversation outwards. Just what exactly is your problem?Because I'll tell you I have noticed they start talking real vague
27:45There's just been an overall attitude changing you over the last couple of weeks broad brushAs you keep sitting there throwing dartsSweet out there's no reason whyAt the weight you're atOkay, and you go to the gym that you cannot pick up a garbage bagTie it off and take it out back and put it into a fuckingTrash can't there's just no reason why you can't do thatWhen did I become
28:20The garbage man in the houseOkay, you fill up half the bag and I'm being niceAll rightOkay, fat you want me to take the fucking treasureFat I take the fucking treasure and they start taking it out and they start cryingRightAnd then you got to be like, oh no, all right, forget it. I'm sorryI know you don't like doing it
28:53You know what if I ever did a reboot of the joker I just have him in a relationshipAnd he'd win every argumentLike in that moment where you cave he would just start laughingJust exactly what is what is wrong with you joker what is going on with you?umWhich came first the joker or the Grinch I feel like they're somehow relatedYou know they both grew up in the same abusive household one chose isolationThe other chose to be alone with everybody
29:37That's stupid phrase right new york come to new york and be alone with everybodyOh my god, I love that I should put that on a fucking day shotUm, all right, that is the podcast everybody. Here we go Bruins. Here we goI guess pasta had a big game yesterday a couple days ago. Um, so billy the jinxIs going to be sitting down watching they're in the middle of a three game win streak if I sit down and and they loseYou know what that means. It's because I was watchingThat's how a sports fan thinks. All right, that is it people. We're going into the final weekendBut it a but it a week 18 of NFL football can you believe it?
30:19Absolutely insane and speaking of thatuhWe got the uh, the the bet mgmg mg mgIt's a car bet mgm segment of this week where me and paul verzi have been going head to headYou pick four games against the spread now like these softies on network tvYou just try to pick a on against the money lineWe're actually going against the spread and paul verzi and I are both like five or six games over 500 four games a week
30:51Picking against the spreadYou tell me another sports show out there that's doing that there. I'll tell you right now. There is oneMaybe there is I don't know I have no ideayou knowMaybe dan catz over at barstoolHe's got a sharp mind. He's got a sharp mind for the sportsHe was raised right. Um, all right, listen to the bet mgmsegment here with myself
31:15And the always wonderful paul verziWhat's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcastnfl editionSponsored by bet mgm and guys it is sad to say but we are down to the last regular seasonOf the week. I can't believe how fucking fast thisThis this year is gone. I know but what an endingWe're not going to just do the picture paul verziWent three and one three and one as i'm going two and two giving up the middle of the field
31:53Trying to eat up the clock playingAnd I said to andrew last week. I thought yeah, whatever I go if I win two games this weekI should be all rightThere's no way he's gonna he's due for a bad week paul verzi goes out in week 16Four and ohHe does the unimaginable paul verzi the best three weeks of the seasonWith either one of us and I'm going to say in all the professional as far as these sports talkWho else is picking four games a week and over three weeks goes 10 and two against the spread
32:30It's it's really listen, manAfter 17 weeks of pitting up picking against the spread in the nfl. Okay against the spreadBill's record 37 29 and oneThat means through every other year because this is the only year that they've added 18 gamesYou're making money and if and if both of us go 0 and 4 we beat the fucking bookWe did it. It's in the books, which I've never done beforeUm, so bill's 37 29 and one. I mean uh, 37 29 and one i'm 38 and and 30We are going into the last week
33:11half a fuckingDown the stretch they come versity whaling on his horse passes me on the outsideNo, no, no, here's what it was. I broke out of the gate early and I had like a two horse leadThen you wave into the crowd. That's what you let me catch upThen you came around the second turn and you went up by two horses and everyone's like ohShit, and now we're at the last furlong like this. Um, but hey, listen, I think my horse is out of gas, paUh, man, listen if I if if if I lose this week means nothingIt's like if the usa beat the russians, but then lost to finland
33:53It does not greatThat's bullshit. It still meant something. We wanted the gold medal that'd be like at the red socks in 2004We still we had you could we still could have uh chanted uh1918 s my fucking internet's not working god damn it. I don't even have these spreads in front of meAll right, let's go. I think I know what I want. I think I know what I want here. Who's who goes first?So, uh, yeah, let me just do this off for real quick guysOh, sorryNo, no, no, it's all good. All right guys
34:25As you know the anything better podcast is teamed up with bet mgm the most reliable name the most reliable linesIn betting and we've had such a good time with them. We're making picks for you guysWe have special offers for our listeners each week if you haven't signed up for bet mgm. It's very simpleUse a bonus code burr. That's b u r rYou'll get $200 for free after placing your first $10 bet. Here's how it worksYou download the bet mgm app. Okay, you sign up use bonus code burr place your first $10 money line bet any nfl gameYou will receive $200 in free betsUm immediately after placing your bet regardless of the outcome. Just make sure you use bonus code burr
35:06B u r r when you sign up. They're giving you $200 to play with have funBe responsible with it and enjoy it like you have all year and hey, let's be honestIf you've been listening to anything better, you've been making some fucking dough. Can we be honest?We could talk a little shit now bill. Haas to hand the ball back. I want to point to the crowd and uh,I don't know. I want yeah, let's let's wait till the season's over. I want to I want to supposed to finish strongMe a little stronger than youUh, you uh, you have first picked because it is an even week. So you it's in your hands, sirAll right, I want to ask you a question. Why is green bay only a three and a half spread against the lines?
35:46Is Aaron roger's not playing?No, because I think green bay is all locked upSo what they could do is they could do something where they play the first halfbut thenThat's what that's the only thing i'm imagining because I don't think they're playing for I think the the road goes through lamboAll right, so that that throws the rest so we have that's happening and cove it's happeningAll right, I'm still holding should be good. I'm still taking green bay three and a half. There's still the fucking linesThey played ciata last week. That was my big that was my gift of the week and boy was it ever
36:27All right, umFuck man, this is rough. I'm gonna goI'm gonna go with theI'm gonna go with the fucking early saturday game. I know man. It's a lot of points, butI'm gonna take the kansas city chiefs over to denver broncos even though it's in denver and it's 10 pointsKansas city is coming off that loss and I think they could get a better seed. I think they're still playing for a seedThat's why the spread is that i'm gonna take the chiefs in denver. Am I confident with that one?No, I'm not
37:05No, this is a hard week because you don't know who they're gonna sit and then you got cove itYou got all that stuff. I'm gonna take tennessee over uh houstonI'll take that one whatever that spread is because I don't have it in front of me my internet's not workingBut I have tennessee written downTennessee over houston it's 10 and a halfYeah, that's a lot of points, but I don't give a fuckAll right, umI think some guys on tennessee are playing for uh, I think they're playing for next year and all of that type of stuff
37:44And I just think houston the wheels have come off and everybody's doing the nick van ex will come back to jamaicaWhat's old is what's new?Dude the bills and the jets are a 16 and a half spreadAnd I don't know why I want to take the jets that is a lot of points. I know the bills really need the gameOh my god, dude, this is a tough tough call. I don't know if the jets are not gonna want to fuck around because of the draft pickSo i'm staying away. How about that one? I'm gonna takeI hate to do thisI'm gonna take the baltimore ravens minus five and a half at home against the stealers
38:28I think the stealers won their last game at home with big ben and blew their loadUh, the stealers need some things to happen to make the playoffs the ravens can make the playoffs with the win. I believeI think i'm gonna take the ravens minus five and a half. Oh, I hate my first two picksThat's a tough game because I also think big ben wants to go out and if he can fuck the ravens one more timeHe's gonna do it. All right, paul. I was so afraid you were gonna take the new york jets because that's exactly what i'm doingAll right, this is what I think's gonna happenI think the bill's gonna go out thereThey're gonna go up big and then they're gonna take josh allen out of the game and then they're gonna
39:03Jets will come back and then fucking water or whatever the garbage time horseshit. I just think uhYou know, I'll I'll do 10 pointsOn the final week of the season but 16 and a half seems like a lot jets are playing wellAnd I also think there's a lot of guys in the jets want to be part of the rebuildRebuilding program. I don't think the jets are as bad as everybody thinks they areThey're playing some great football as far as scoring points this month 16 and a half pointsIt's a division rivalry. Those games are closeI love it. I'm gonna take it
39:35Hey, man, you're starting to do it. I'm all right. Listen, you know what you wantI went two with two paulI'm gonna take the indianapolis colts minus 15 and a halfI'm gonna take the indianapolis colts minus 15 and a half against the hapless jaguars to make the playoffsThey got to make it. They got to blow them out big. I'm hoping that's a 27 to three gameDude, I could be oh and three right now and just fuck. I might oh no. I didn't know that to make the playoffsThat's a great pick or they I don't know if they I don't know dude this weekThat's a great pick dude. They're gonna blow them out. That might be your pick of the week. I love that pick
40:16um, all right, I'm gonna take uhI'm gonna take the Tampa Bay BuccaneersEven though they had the uh, the unfortunate things they I feel so bad for antonio brahmanThat guy obviously needs some help here and I you know, I'm not gonna kick the guy when he's downSo I just think the bucks tom brady does not come out of the gameAnd I also think he understands momentum and he wants to go in hardI think that they're gonna be carolina by seven and a half. I don't really love that pickbut those are my picks paul and uh,
40:50You know, I got to take a couple of chances paul because I'm on the outside looking inThis is yours to lose paul. You have the game on your racketNo, man. Come on. We're tied basically. Oh, by the wayWell, you let me be tied because I think ties lose and you guys gave me that as a half a gameBut I like the half a game because it makes it excitingBy the way for the fans listening if by any chance there's another nfl tie and me and bill tiebill will win for two reasons onebill beat me in the head-to-heads and two
41:25Bill has two foreign o's and I only have one foreignOh, so that's the way that we're gonna do it head-to-headsAnd then if let's say we tied on head-to-heads who gets the uh, unimaginable and unforgivableYou've had one unforgivable and two unimaginables. I've had only one of eachSo in any tie bill is the champum, my finalNo, that's right. I have to go for no too. Sorry go aheadMy my final pick. Oh man. There's so many tough games the
41:59Raiders and the chargersAnd the fucking Niners and the Rams and those games mean somethingI'm gonna take the Arizona Cardinalsat homeagainst the SeahawksTo get a I think it's yeah, I'm gonna take the Arizona Cardinals at home against the Seahawks minus six and a halfAnd um, dude, I'm scared of every one of my picks. I think I could go oh and fourI'm scared. I know and you're gonna do that. I probably would have taken the Seahawks
42:32Uh, you like to seeYou loveNo, both of those teams made me money all year until Arizona started shitting the bed, but umBoth of those teams were my old reliable's now. I'm I'm staying awakeI I was sitting there looking for both of them this week and I saw they were playing each otherI just laughed going on. Oh my god. Oh, by the way, I got to give a shout out toSomebody when I was out in Arizona Alice DeBure, uh, the drummer from the legendary fanny bandall female group
43:03That the runaways everybody bangles everybody every female groupGives them their props, but nobody seems to remember who they wereUm came out to my show in uh, phoenix, arizona. We hung outWe had her on efforts for family season five them playing music and stuff. She hooked me up with a t-shirtCheck this outWas it say fanny's back?www.fannyrocksfannyrocks.com
43:32Pick up your merch there and cds and all that stuff that they have that dude one of the truly great peopleI've met I've hung out with her twice and I feel like I've known her for 20 years just a really warmamazing person with uhIncredible stories about doing the road. All right, and she was on the thursday and she was on thursday podcast several weeks backSo people can watch the interview. It was very very underrated interview. She's really really sharp really funnyOh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she was she was right. Are we done?Dude, I hate those pics. I'm actually worried. Are we done andrew?What the pics I mean, yeah done with the pics
44:08Well, you were so worried about your pics. She didn't react to anything. I just promoted you justNo, no, she's no, she was still greatYou're still thinking about arizonaNo, I'm actually I'm actually thinking about that cults15 and a half dude. They got aI love that game because they they need to winUm, they need to win no matter what happensIt's been the fact that we get to go in the last turn
44:37And no matter what happens we beat the book and I don't really take I'll be honestYou're there's a couple of guys I live to be and you're not one of themYou're not one of them. So I know you you want to talk about Paul. You want to come on, dudeI've already beaten you twice. How good how good is that fucking merlot gonna taste and that stick?I want of course I want to but you're not if you come out if you come out on top on week 18You're not even gonna tell meThat you're not doing the Iggy shuffleIn your living room. I mean come on Paul
45:08Because this is nothing too Paul. I won the first two times when this league wasn't televised. This is the first timeI mean for all they know I'm making this shit up. This is inaugural. Yeah, this is documented PaulHe loves the crowd come on by the way if you go if you go oh and forAndrew we did this we'll do this next year if you go oh and for two weeks in aThere's got to be some penalty. There's a penalty. You only get to pick three games the next weekYou got to wear you got to wear clown makeup the next week on there. Yeah, our loser or a dunce hat or somethingUh, all right. Well, it's sort of the turnover chain. You have but you have something I want those linesNo, I get it. We'll have like a turnover change and then there's the picture of the mush
46:04His face is from bronx tail is hanging off the end of itAll right guys those uh, those are our picks going into the final week of the nfl seasonSo please go to bed mgm guys. Uh, we it's working with them has been great. Oh, we got to do the monday night specialmonday night specialWhen some money for you became so close last week PaulAnd we would have won people a lot of money this week. We got we're doing um because of how the the schedule isWe are doing the chargers versus the raidersThere is that line is what's that line andrew that line is is it that line is three and a half
46:45It's uh, three. Yeah, it's it's three three even minus. I hate that game. That's a tough gameIn chargers. Yeah, VegasThe chargers are minus threeBoth teams need itBoth teams need itUm, the under over was adjusted to by the way bill great call with the 41 underfor the stealersEven with the scoring at the end and then the end it only it was 40
47:13damn closePicking the stealers and then we had we had uh, we had chubsRunning for a touchdown and we we thought we had it twice and they uh, they stuffed them and then they threw it inDo you like the under over 43 and a half for the chargers raiders?ISome reason I think that that's going to be a wild one. I don't know whyoverYeah, I think that's going to be a wild one and I just uh, I do too. I think it's going to be back and forth
47:48I see like a third one. The raiders have a the raiders have a great front four though, manThat's the only thing i'm concernedI like the chargers in the game. I I think justin herbert's coming off of aI think justin herbert knows what he's got to do and I think this is going to be his way to get into playIt's the first yearI like them minus three knows what he has to doYeah, the fuck else would they have him under center for paBut they gotta go out there. Nobody has to go
48:18Um, sorry. I'm holding my phone here. My internet's all messed up this week. I would say uh, I I the thing that concerns meIs as great as that quarterback is justin herbert if he's playing on his backBecause of the raiders front four pa, let's think about this for a secondLike I think, you knowDerek carvers justin herbert you got to give the nod to herbert, but like that front fourYeahI mean look Kirk wins championships paul's, but does it win in week 18?I saw some vegas guy and me and you neither of us picked this game this week
48:55But I saw the vegas guy on espn said that the the amount of times the raiders have covered or something like thatThey're actually playing like a six week win team and not a nine week based on the spreadSo that he's saying that they kind of over achieved a little bit, butAgainst the spread. I don't I don't understand what that has to do with the human beings playing each otherI mean that is such a stupid stat. I don't understand that on any little dude against the fucking what?Yeah, I don't I don't understand what what vegas but that sounds like to me paul. It sounds like analyticsYeah, it's exactly what it isYeah, and the analytics say the analytics say you defer and you give the ball to the heisman trophy quarterback
49:38And the alabama crimson tide so you can play catch up for the rest of the fucking game and not kick the field goals and go for touchdownsAnd be down 24 six instead of 24 12So then some guy gets frustrated in defense and knocks the guy's helmet off and gets kicked out of the fucking gameWhere the analytics on that paul? I ask youBy the way, if you're a head coach of a teamAnd you're in a fucking tight game and your player rips a helmet off another playerIt cost you 15 and cost you the game. Are you cutting the kid? I might cut the kidNo, but it wasn't a close game paul. He was frustrated. I know it should have been a close game
50:11It should have been 24 to 12It was 24 to six because they kept going for it rather than kicking field goals in the first fucking half and second half stupidYeah, that's why I like the chargers coach because the chargers coach actually kicks field goals when it when he wants to get pointsBut if you're if listen, your gut instinct was really good with the under over last weekIf you want to take the raiders money line, we could do that neither of us took the gameI like the chargers. I would have taken the chargers, but if you like the raiders would do thatWho won the first game?The first meeting
50:44I think the chargers beat him hold on43 and a half we're taking the over definitely. So the over we're taking we're taking the over and then let's see what the chargers schedule wasMaking money for youLet's seeLet the Monday night specialThe chargers beat him 28 14 in the first meeting28 14 in the first meetingYeah, see
51:20low scoring gameFor them. Wait, wait, that would be 28 14 42 pointsI just think that this one's going to get a little wildYeahRaiders haven't given I like the amount of point. I like the I like the over and the chargers to to win by three myselfAnd then um, what did you say Echler to score a touchdown Echler is that main guy?I hate this game. I stay away from this game for a reason. I can't get a vibe on it. UmI don't think the raiders love that raider front four though, man. I love those guys
51:57All right, listen, we could roll with the raiders if you want to roll raiders money line. I mean weThat's not let's go. Let's go fucking nuts hippo. I'm gonna say the raiders and the overAll right raiders over and Echler to get a touchdownYeahAll right, we'll do that raidersOver it doesn't make sense because if you're gonna take the over you would take the chargers because they're a scoring machineNo, but the over is you're just rooting for points. We're just rooting for points. All right. You're right. You're rightYeah, we're rooting for a shootout with the and we're getting points. So you just I'm gonna say the raiders
52:34Raiders in the overRaiders in the over and then we got to do one moreWe'll do that kid Echler to get a touchdown because he gets the ball and that's just to get a touchdown, right?No rushing nose just to get a touchdown. I love that. That's and that's that's done. All right. That's there you go guysso make sure you sign up with thebet mgm app use bonus code burrOkay, and we got offers for all of you listeners if you haven't signed up. It's easy you go to the appYou download it you sign up with burr. B. You are are you'll get 200 dollars free after placing your first 10 dollar bet
53:09And that's it. Just download it and place a 10 dollar moneyline bet any nfl game 200 bucksAnd in free bets immediately after placing your bet regardless of the outcomeJust make sure you use bonus code burr when you sign up and even though our competition with each other will be overWe got the playoffs. We got the ohWildcard weekend is my favorite weekend of the nfl my favorite. Fuck it's there's nothing better than wildcard weekendYou get saturday playoff games. You get sunday playoff gamesWhich team is going to be the dark horse? That's my favorite. Oh, by the way, I'd like to say this before the playoffs starteight weeks ago
53:47I saidThat I thought the the packers are going to go to the super bowl in the nfcAnd I couldn't pick an afc because it was too hard. Well, guess what guys? I got an afc teamI think is going to the super bowl. Okay. I thought about itumThey barely they barely got in they barely got in but I got a feelingEven though they digress I thought about it. That's my favorite thing you say. I thought about itMy pick for the super bowl is
54:18Aaron rogers and the green bay packers will be playing against josh allen and the buffalo bills in the super bowlI think the bills are going to catch that late season stride after everybody counted them outI think they're going to eke out a win at the beginning of the playoffs and go on a runYou heard it here. I could be wrong, but I think the bills and josh allen are going to do itAll rightSo, I don't I don't mind that I don't mind that cold. I don't think there's any really anybody really seems to be standing outWell, dude, tennessee's 11 and the tennessee titans and derrick henry they announced is coming back for the playoffsAnd verable is a great coach. Oh, I didn't know that
55:02Dude, they're beating up teams and and as much as I don't believe in themThe chiefs are still there. Who else is in the dude? I can't count out the patriotsWho's count out the patriots in the fucking playoffs, dude? You can't you absolutely can't I just think josh allen and thenPicking the bills you son of a bitch. I guess myI I just think josh allen and them are are going to make a run dude. Who knows?I could be dead wrong. They get knocked out in the first round. I look like an assholeBut you know, I like put in a wreck to go people would have said you're crazy, but now they're looking all rightI don't know the the chiefs. I don't know what it is. They just like
55:39Like half a beat behind the whole damn year, but I feelBill can the chargers make a runCan the los angeles chargers get to the super bowl?NoDon't count out the bangles eitherDon't count out joe burrows receivers are the bangles. The bangles receivers are justrunningThe afc is really just up for grabs
56:08But I I I like josh allen and that kid digs and I like that everybody's counting them outI think they I I don't think everybody's counting them out. I feel like they're the most stable of everybody thereNow I would say the most stable would have to be Tennessee based onThe way they play their recordAnd and what I didn't that was before I didn't I didn't realize Henry was coming back and you were rightI will say this though. UmYou knowI can't remember what my fucking point was what the
56:39I just said his big pause. What the fuck you were right about rabbleI didn't realize how good of a coach rabble is dude. That kid's a good that guy's a good coach, manYeah, I played for bill bellichick. I think he knows how toTo do it, but I what the fuck was I gonna say about the bills or about I think it was about the chargersIt's just something about the chargersThat's why I asked there's something about himThe the chargers the Colts make the playoffs they could up they could upset somebodyThat could take one of those teams out. This is all speculation. Yeah, but dude, you're right
57:15You got the Colts. You got the chargers. You got the Titans. You got the billsYou got the chiefs. I mean, there's uh, it's who knows who knows where are we missing another afco and you got the patriotsI don't think we I don't think we quite haveWe have enough to win a game. I think I think we're still but like, you know, where we were at this time last yearLike I'm loving more our team is but likeumI put it some I don't know. I mean, I I just think yeah, we're on the lower echelon of of thoseI got excited there for a minute, but then you know
57:56You know, we beat Buffalo, but that's what I was saying. So I stayed away from the game the second timeI was just like we beat him the first time in a fucking windstorm. It's like 50 not winsBuffalo's kicking field goes that were good. They were getting blown offJust like that. I mean, what is that at that point? YeahumYou couldn't take the wind counted, but it was like, you know, what is it? All rightBut the fact that you guys annoyed with myself right now. I'd have no fucking idea who's gonna winum
58:24On either side. I'm not sold on anybody. I think more so than any year. This is just completely up for grabsAnd I like that everybody's kind of counting Tom Brady in Tampa kind of out of it with like antonio brownIt's all disrupted and blah blah blah blah and all that shit. Yeah, and then the playoffs comeI'll give you a hundred dollars. I'll give you a hundred dollars when I see youIf I'll give you a hundred dollars if Aaron Rodgers isn't in a Super Bowl this yearRight when I see I'll give you a crispy one right when I see you. All right. Well, what do I got to do?Nothing nothingNothing that's our confident. Paul that is gonna be the most Italian thing you've ever said to me
59:07That fucking bet is so stupid and so about your ego. I'm gonna it's not even a bet. I'll take itIAndrew did you hear the dumbest thing you have ever fucking like I don't even know where that came. I love itNo, it's that's how I like remember. I mean last time I said you're gonna walk up to me like a doorman and fucking goodfellasand just stick a fucking crisp hundred in my shirtHey, keep the drinks coming. Hey the Irishman's here to take all you get. He's money. He goes bill goes. What do I got to do?NothingSo stupid that's how confident
59:43Uh, that's hilarious, man. Um, all right. Well, that's if you do that, PaulWe're taking video. We're posting it on the showI will whether I'm in Los Angeles or you're in new yorkIf erin rogers and the green bay packers are not in the super bowlThere will be video footage of me handing bill a crispy fucking scene out and then we walk into a restaurantYou think I give a fuck dude. That's how confident they're they are winning there. They have everythingI've never seen a more complete. I'm not even joking. They got the best one. Oh my god hire this guy on espYou've never seen a more complete team ever the history if you're watching that fl
01:00:22I've never seen a guy. I've never seen a team have both receivers and both running backs with one of the greatest quarterbacksI've never seen. I mean, I think of john taylor. This is my comparison. I think of john taylor jerry riceroger craigI guess tom raffman even though he was a thing and and joe montana was the last time I saw something wherePaul that's how you watch the game and you're not gonna say anything about fucking Ronnie lotDwight hits Dwight hitsNo, but I'm saying I am here you talk about defense at all. I think that hundred dollars is in my fucking pocketOkay, so you like the bucks?
01:01:00No, I'm just I just like that hundred dollarsAll right my fucking I'm gonna start wearing pocket t's paul. That's how confident. I am you think I give a fuckWe're one of those jackets with a zipper here. That's where I'll put itAll right guys, this has been the uh mgmnfl preview for anything betterGoing into week 18. Enjoy the games and uh, we will see you next timeVisit bet mgm.com for terms and conditions21 years of age or older to wager, arizona, colorado, dc, iowa, indianapolis, louisiana,
01:01:36michigan, missouri, new jersey, navada, pennsylvania, tennessee, virginia, west virginia,wyoming, washington only. All promotions are subject toqualification and eligibility requirements. Rewards issued as non-withdrawableFree bets or site credit free bets expire in seven days from issuanceExcludes michigan disassociated persons. Please gamble responsibly gambling problem. Call1-800 next step in arizona1-800-522-4700, colorado, dc, louisiana, navada, wyoming, virginia, 1-800-270-7117 for confidential help in michigan1-800 gambler in indianapolis, new jersey, pennsylvania, and west virginia, or
01:02:311-800 bets off in iowa. Call or text the tennessee redline 800-889-9789 tennessee or call 1-888-777-9696in missouri or 1-800-547-6133 for washington. That's 1-800-547-6133. Sports betting is void ingeorgia, hawaii, ohia, and utah and other states were prohibited. Promotional offers not available in navadaAll right, there you have it me and paul versey coming down to the wire paul verseyComing on the outside like gangbustersHe is a half a game up on old frecklesWho was won the jimmy the greek award the only two times?We've done it paul versey is trying to establish himself as a winning franchise tune in
01:03:36Next week on the anything better podcast to see who won and with that we're going to listen to a little bit of musical interludepicked out byandrew themalus bevelly hills his own andrew themalusThe greek freak and after that we'll have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcastHave a wonderful weekend everybody and i will talk to you on mondayIAlways had a mac with the dangerLiving in fear of the tiger
01:04:35Living in fear of the tigerHey, what's going on? It's bill burr, and it's the monday morning podcast for monday january 62014WowCan you believe we're already 14 years into this century?Can you believe that you're going to die this century unless they come up with some rogain for you fucking hotYes, you are you are going to die. Let's try to call it right now. I was born in the year of our lord1968
01:05:17So my goal in life is i'd like to see the 70s againAll right, because the first time was just so groovy man. Sorry i'm fucking punch drunkUh getting back anyways stay focused this week bill stay fucking focused. UmYeah, i'd like to make it to about2072 i'll be 104 years oldYou know it'll be right before the dead getting ready to get geared up for another fucking bicentennialTri-centennial is that what it's gonna be the tricentennial everybody and they'll come wheeling me out. He's so oldHe remembers the second one the bicentennial and i'll be like what?
01:06:01rightCelebrating there was a hundred years ago today that richard nixonresigned from officeI get to watch that shipthe 100th anniversary of the assassination of uhfuckingJohn f kennedy can i sound any dumber fuckingand uh, what else would i see the 100th anniversary of of uh
01:06:31The philadelphia eagles went in a fucking championship you assholesHow the hell did you lose yesterday? I like the sinksI like when they go marching inBut you know something versi got me all hyped up that like the eagles were probably the best matchupfor the seahawksAnd to me i think the seahawks are gonna win the whole thing, but there would be nothing funnier if they didn'tI got money on them to win it, but it would just be fucking hilarious if they didn'tAnd then their fans had to go home the 12th man 12th man
01:07:04They have to go fucking home again with that little fucking piece of paper on the wallfor their world recordThe loudest crowd ever really you don't think the arab spring was a little louder. You don't think that that crowd was a little bit louderRunning for their livesumAfter being dispersedAnyways, what the fuck am i talking about here?um
01:07:34You know i'm really getting tired of people who don't live in the united states of america talking about it and then goingYou know and this is happening and this is happening and i just feel like people aren't even aware of itYou stupid arrogant fucking cunts. What what the fuck do you get off thinking you know more aboutMy country than i do i fucking live here. Why don't i tell somebody in greece?What the i don't think anybody in greece realized what's going on in their country listen fuckheadsFrom around the world world world world. We know what's going on hereWhat would you have us do?Protesters in this country are treated the exact same
01:08:15Fucking way they are around the worldIf you're lucky all you get is the water cannon if you're lucky only four you die from the rubber bulletsAll right, that's what happens all right mr. Fucking big mouths out thereAll right, you want to start the fucking revolution i'll join it you start it you get on pointAll right there gondi you fucking take the sheet off your goddamn bed put on your fucking sandals and you walk down the streetI'll be right behind you in the massesIt's just and i don't think they're aware of it. Ugh with one more fucking douchebagOh really is it really corrupt like your fucking country also
01:09:00Really are we starting wars because of x y and z oh is that why we're over there?I couldn't figure it out. I thought we were over there making a fucking dairy queenThank you for explaining it to me person from somewhere elseWith your fucking perspective from Nova ScotiaSpeaking of Nova ScotiaAll freckles is gonna come to townNow what just happened to my computer all freckles is coming to town. I just got my datesUm for the big canadian tour
01:09:32For the big ass fucking canadian tourUm, I can tell you thisI can't tell you when it starts on march 1st and here's some of the the the wonderful canadianCities that i'm going to be heading provinces whatever the fuck you want to call themI'm going to be going there and then you guys can tell me what's wrong with my country and then say to my face that you're surprised that i'm not aware of itYou don't like you don't think I have the internetall rightCapital i'll be at the capital theater
01:10:05in uhNew Brunswickin Mock cocked emos n cton new BrunswickThat one starts that's march 1stmarch 2ndI'll be at the Rebecca con auditorium in Halifax, Nova ScotiaOn the 5th of march i'll be in Montreal, Quebec
01:10:31Um the 6th i'll be in Ottawathe 7thi'll be in Hamilton, Ontario the 8th i'll be in Toronto, OntarioOn the 13th i'm going to be in WinnipegOn the 14th i'm going to be in EdmontonOn the 15th i'm going to be in Calgary Calgary CaleraCalgary CalgaryUm and then i'm going to be in the 16th i'm going to finish it up on the west coast
01:11:05In uh vancouver british columbia. So there you goAll right, and i'm going to go up there and ask you guys if you're if you're aware of what's going on in your countryumI'm sorry. I know uh, I know i've I know i've been doing a lot of yellingOn this podcast and I apologize. I apologize for my mood. I apologize to umOh, I don't even fucking knowIsn't that what you have to do now as a comedian you make a fucking joke and then you have to go out and apologizeEvery goddamn week somebody says something somebody decides to take it seriously then all of a sudden the person has to apologize
01:11:43You know like they meant it. Oh you took it seriously. So I guess now I meant itWhy don't you lighten up?Why doesn't everybody just collectively grow a tougher skin? Why don't you do that? Well bell? Why don't you stop being such a cunt?Well, hey, that's a decent pointThat's a decent pointSomebody asked was talking to me about fat shaming this week once again talking about how it's a terrible thing to doI gotta tell you something if you guys want I love fat shamingI absolutely love it. That's how I stay in shape
01:12:14IFat shame myselfTime I get out of shape. I just stand in the mirror. Look at you. Look what you did you fuckingGoddamn pink pig. What the fuck is wrong with you and I just trashed myself. I just yell at myselfIt's it's the weirdest thing to yell at yourself in the mirror because you're getting in your grill and you're looking away at the same timeIt's fucking tremendousIt's like that movie face off except it's it's all youRight, isn't that what happened in that movie?
01:12:47Um, anyways, this is the monday morning podcast. Uh, I do one of these everySort of mondayI like putting them out late just watching people because they take the fucking name so literallyYou know when you went to the movie theater to go see saturday night favor on a thursdayWhat did you fucking bid what I should call this thursday night favor because it's thursdayYou can listen to them whenever you want to I have years of these fucking things years and years of ignoranceI have recorded go listen to a back one. First of all, it's fucking monday. Shouldn't you be at work you asshole?Oh, i'm on my soapbox this week
01:13:33umanywaysso I was flying back from pittsburgh this weekend and uhI had basically the greatest weekend of my lifeumthis is this isHow do I even start this fucking way? I guess I got to start at the beginning of the weekRight, what do I work my way backwards?
01:13:56Where do you what do you guys want to hear you want to hear the shit show?Into the greatest fucking weekend of my life or you want to hear about the greatest weekend of my life and then I'll backtrackinto the shit showWould that make you feel better?I think it would judging by the tone on the internet that oh wow bill had a great fucking timeI should lead with that and then go back to my and I should end with my embarrassmentsAll rightSo it lands softly and you can feel okay at your plastic fucking desk that they got at office max
01:14:30all rightThat's when you know you're not making in life when your desk is made out of plasticAll right, nobody ever satbehind a plastic deskchomping on a nice cigarAfter making some fucking zillion dollar dealThat caused one-armed diamond diggersTo be a little further down in the mud. Nobody's ever done that. Okay. You want a fucking wood desk
01:14:57Desk may add a wood in case I confused youAll rightAnd if you're sitting at a plastic desk right now, I'm not saying you're a bad personBut I'm saying that you need to now desk shame yourselfAll right, why don't you take out your little compact or maybe look into your little zippo lighterLook into your eyes and I want you to find the sadnessI want you to look a little deeper and I want you to see the dreamWay in the back of your eyes
01:15:28And I want to know where it wentAnd when you're going to bring it back up to the fucking front rowAll rightNow that might have sound cunty, but that was supposed to inspire youSo right now I want you to slam your fist down on your plastic deskUntil it fucking shattersAnd I don't know what else the rest of the plan isMaybe you can get everybody else to start doing it like a bunch of monkeys
01:15:53You just start doing it and start throwing your shit around the room. I don't know what tip over your cubiclesI want that for all of youIsn't it fun to scare people in suitsSee, you know something jota rosa never picks up his phone and now he's calling meHey, joey rosesI'm doing my podcast and unlike you I actually pick up my phone you fucking pencil shaped cuntHey, let me call you after this. Hey, this is a great time joe now that we're both living on the same coastto maybe
01:16:31Let the listeners know that that there's a lot of rumorsThat uh that the the uh uninformed show might come back together againLennon and mccarthy might finally bury the hatchet rightI hope you guys could hear that. All right, fuckhead. I'll call you later. All rightAll right, joeUm, anyways, fuckhead. Jesus. I pulled that out of fourth grade recess. Hey dick faceumAnyways, I don't know where to start. All right
01:17:16Fuck it. I'm gonna go with the with the most vivid memory this weekend. I had the greatest weekend of my lifeUh about I don't know how many months agoThe wonderful the generousthe always classyAnd sometimes sassy randy bowman from uh w d ve and pittsburgh pennsylvaniaUm, who who basically he helped build me in that marketYou know, I wasn't selling shit. I wasn't selling any tickets in pittsburgh and umI think billy gardell told me about him. I can't remember how the hell the thing went down, but
01:17:52He has got this great morning radio show and he said listenNext time you come to pittsburghCome in fly in on a monday night. I'll have you on the radio tuesday wednesday thursday fridayYou run your freckled face for the four days and we'll we'll get you going in this marketHe helped build me up and all that type of stuff as if that wasn't enoughSo he turned that weak market into one of my strongest cities to go to and it is such a great city to go toAs if that wasn't enoughOh randy bowman called me up. I don't know how many months ago and he says listen
01:18:26Would you be interested in doing stand-up?at theyou know mario lemieuxhas a uhA fantasy camp and it raises moneyFor cancer research and all this type of stuff. It's just this great thing. You come inYou do stand upYou meet some of the guys he always has some of the guys he played with they're hanging out blah blah
01:18:51I was just like, you know, I was like, absolutely. That's all it started is was just this little thingAnd then he calls me back. He goes, hey, don't you play hockey a little bit? I'm like, yeah, you know, I try I try he goesway they have uhYou know the camp they you knowEverybody plays hockey. They have like four teams. They play each other and all that type of stuff if you want to come onAnd play with one of the teams one day you play with a penguins play and all that. Would you like to do that? I'm like, absolutelyof course I wouldSo long story short
01:19:21I show upand uhI bring my pads and I bring all the stuff because I think I just think it's just going to be a pickup game of hockeyand um, I don't know without getting like tacky and just sayingAll the stuff that they gave everybody who it's it's ridiculousYou show up they give you a friggin hockey bagwith your goddamn name on itand inside there is all
01:19:47all theall the stuffThe socks the gloves the jersey a helmetthe whole thingThen all you have to do is just bring your pads. You're good in a stick and you're fine and next thing you knowYou're you're playing hockey way with the penguins playOh, and you also go to the hockey game before it was I it's too much to even try to describeSo anyways, we do the stand-up show. I don't know who's in the crowd other than mario Lemieux
01:20:13And I don't want to know I don't want to fucking know who's there becauseBecause they're legendsAnd of course I go on stage. I look to the right and there's mario. Lemieux sitting there. It's like you can hide when you're six foot sixAnd uh, thank god. I saw him smiling and he was laughing long story short at the endAt the end of it. I met likeSeven or eight guys that I grew up watchingI don't know. It was just it was the sickest thing everI
01:20:45I don't know. It was unbelievablepaul coffeyYou knowOther than bobby yore the greatest friggin defenseman of all timeTheo flurryBrian tracheaIt was it was insaneIt was fucking insane the whole tai domi
01:21:07That they were all in the crowd. Thank god. I didn't knowThank god. I didn't knowJesus christIt was fun my head's spinning right now and andWe ended up going out with playing on the ice trachea is our coachLemieux's on the other team with paul coffeyMark reckey was on my teamTwo years removed from winning a Stanley cup. I'm playing with this guy and it was insane and then a bunch of
01:21:35Regular people actually everybody else was better than I was but I mean just we're all skating with themIt was insaneIt was fucking insaneSpeechlessI don't I you knowI don't even have the only funny story I can think of for the weekend because I was in a days the whole weekendIt was so awesome was uhHow awful I played
01:22:00AhJesus christ was fucking brutal. UmI really wanted to play a lot better than I did. I'm not gonna lie to youAnd everyone's doing that. You know, you were good for three years in you were good. I don't sugarcoat it. I suckedso I'm motivatedto umI'm motivated to fucking uhTo get better at that game
01:22:26So if I ever get to do a play again, I can actually maybe handle the puck for more than two seconds without it getting taken away from mebut uh, it was just the bestthe best fucking time I ever hadand uh, I still can't believe it happenedI was actually sitting there and steve burn was the other comp comic on itI'm sitting on the bench and he's playing defense with paul coffeyAnd I'm watching paul coffey pass the puck to my buddyIt was the sickest thing
01:22:54It was the sickest fucking thing I've ever seen in my lifeumyeahSo that happenedAnd uh, so that was the great. Okay. So that was the great thing this weekend to tie dome. He showed us how he how he would beat up a guyA foot tallerHe showed us his technique. I'm not going to get into it. Ask him about it someday if you ever run into himIt was fucking unbelievable
01:23:19And they were all hilarious. They were all great guysumWho else ready hillyard played for the Bruins for a while early on when I first started watching the Bruins it was it wasIt was insaneIt was absolutely insaneumI'm trying to make sure I don't forget anybodyRick talk it jesus christ
01:23:46He was skating byEddie johnstonThe Bruins goalie who were one in 70 and 72And I was going I was like starstruck on I just read barbie o's bookTurned like an eight-year-old kid and he goes I talked to him this morning. I'll tell him you liked itAnd I was like, oh my god, he knows barbie. You are it was just it was insanethe greatest thing everIf you're ever gonna
01:24:14Do a fantasy camp. There's no way there's one out there. That's better than the mariole mule oneI gotta tell you they it was a hundred percent first classIt was just the greatest thing ever. All right, so that's thatAll right nowAnd right now I know I'm gonna get an up bunch of tweets going bill. Fuck you go. Fuck yourself for having that experienceAnd you know what you're rightI have no business having an experience like thatThank you to randy bowman for hooking the whole goddamn thing up
01:24:44umall rightPlowing ahead hereuhWhat do I got here? Let's let's do some advertisingDo some advertising. How about you read some average? How about you make an attempt bill? All right hulu plusOkay, here we go hulu plus you've probably tried hulu.com now with hulu plus you can watch your favorite shows anytime anywhereHulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit tv shows in a selection of
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01:29:46umI did the new year's eve gig at the wilter and theater and umright here in los angelesAnd uh, that's a theater that i've been wanting to do for years. It's just uhArt deco building. It's just awesome. I've seen a bunch of great rock shows there. I saw uhthem crooked vulturesI saw one the lastShows of velvet revolve
01:30:11umI just saw a bunch of great things there. I saw a cup. I saw a modern drummer drum off thereWhat else I know I've seen like 10 shows there. I can't really think of anything elseMaybe some of them were like nea showsWho knows anyways, so I finally got to go down. I went down there wentOh, I know I went down there when rogan and stanhope were down thereKnocking it out of the park. We had the greg geraldobenefit down there was just just one that I always wanted to
01:30:41to uhTo headline someday and I got to do it and I did it with andrew themlisJason lawhead and joe bartnick and it was just it was just such an awesome night fucking great crowdeverybody seemed to have a great time and umAll my friends had great sets and bartnick went onIn front of me and was in rare phone was in rare form. He brought the fucking lumber that nightumIt was just an unreal night and then we had a dj come out in the end. I got to do the countdown
01:31:12Took some pictures with some fans afterwards. It was just a great way to start the new year. So uh the next dayUm actually later on that day because we'd left about one two o'clock in the morningWe went over to the rose bowl and uhI was an absolute shit show this year. I'm embarrassed at myselfI drank so muchUsually I pass out during the game for like five minutes and somebody nudges me and I wake upI drank so much. I fucking passed out at the tailgateFucking I don't know what happened
01:31:49I started hitting the hard stuffI shot I shot gun to beerAll right for the first time in my life, by the way, I never did it. I never did it because I was too afraidThere was always girls around I was like I'm gonna do it and it's gonna go all over meAnd then nobody's gonna like me and I'm gonna have to switch schools because that's the way my brain would workRather than maybe they'd laugh and you'd say something funny and next thing, you know, you're having a good time with one of theThat's not how my brain lookedAnd they're gonna smash me over there with the beer can
01:32:19And throw me off a fucking cliff like that's how my fuckingThat's how my brain still works, but I I'm aware of it nowAnd as it starts screaming in wine and I just there's another voice in my head going no, it's not it's not it's not gonna happenIt's gonna be fineThe light's gonna turn green and you're gonna get down the road. There's gonna be something to eat. You'll be fineumFuckingJason Law had
01:32:43smoked a pork shoulderAnd uhI have no recollection of eating it. I don't even remember itI was I wasI blacked out ate a pork shoulder sandwich and then I passed outSomewhere in there I shot gun to beerAnd then walking inTo the fucking Rose Bowl I started screaming at this girl who's like 23 and cowboy boots
01:33:14Screaming you're not as hot as you think you are to the point. It got uncomfortableIt's just fuckingI vaguely remember thatvaguely remember that and they reminded me afterwards and I have beenSo fucking embarrassedSo fucking embarrassed this whole I just you know, like when you do something horrible like thatI don't know about you guys, but when I think about it. I ought like in my head. I just start talking out loud making noisesTo kind of drown out the thought I would just think about it and be like, ah, Jesus. They're just
01:33:50And I would do it like standing in line at security at an airport and people looking at me like nowI'm like a fucking terrorist and it's like no no no no. I was aScary drunk older man to a 23 24 year old woman. It was just awfulso as alwaysI uhI am on the wagon again. I was on the wagon until the the fucking hockey thing this weekend. Okay. It's not like you knowWhen guys you grew grew up watching start buying beers and shit you're gonna be like no Clark fucking GilliesSorry, I met Clark Gillies last night
01:34:28Talk to him about his his fights with Dave Schultz. I got to do thatDid I get to do it? Is it all a fucking dream? I don't even remember so anyway, soI am on the wagon, but I took two days offsoumIt was insane and I had like fucking three of those sandwichesYou know where they have the french fries and the coleslaw in them on the fucking breadWe we closed down that place one night me
01:34:57Steve burn and fucking Baum andand a couple other uh a couple other people I justclosed that place downFucking burn was an animal man every time we went we went to the penguins game. He ordered two of themAnd then we went to the fucking placelike the next dayafter our showI should really know the name of the place. It's like famous. I I never remember the name of the restaurants
01:35:25He fucking he ate two moreHe ordered two and I ate half of his a pastrami one with french fries and fucking coleslawIt was insane and then last night they had catering and it was more of themAnd he just kept he can't not eat them. They're deliciousThey make you obese. They're awesome. They're Pittsburgh. It's everything Pittsburgh if you could make Pittsburgh and do a fucking sandwichThis is the goddamn sandwich some of the best heart attack food. You'll ever have I would actuallySay that Pittsburgh rivals ChicagoChicago
01:36:06phenomenal phenomenal fucking heart attack foodjust likeJust that that city is just all you know, it starts tomorrow the diet starts tomorrow. I'm quitting drinking tomorrow like likeThe I if I lived in Chicago or if I lived in Pittsburgh, I would be about 260 poundsYou knowAnd at that point you have to grow a mustache some sort of facial hair, you knowJust to just hide your big fucking faceDude, what a fucking weekend man now all this shit's coming back to me
01:36:48Trotje told the story of he scored the fastest goal everI actually watched it on youtube when I was looking up his highlights when I was going to go thereTo do the show and I knew that he was going to be there next you knowHe was talking about it and was standing there on a phone watching itHe scored in five seconds and he's just graciously standing thereLike he hasn't won six Stanley cupsTalking to me like ILike I'm fucking
01:37:15Remotely on his levelGreatest fucking guys ever this weekend. He's telling me breaking down the whole playOf how he scored in five seconds and how it's only been tied. He did it against the Bruins and it was just uhWhat a what a fucking weekend manAh christ i'm floating hereumSo anywaysDespite all of that, you know what's funny is I was eating those french fry coleslaw fucking
01:37:46I almost said tuberculosissandwiches umMeat sandwichesAnd the whole weekend though. I was also doing yoga every dayBecause I was not going to have my back give out on meWhile I was out on the ice because I already knew what my performance level was going to be like so I kind of likeOffset it a little bit, but uh, I'm looking pretty doughy these days not liking myself whatsoeverum
01:38:14So anyways that that was basically my weekend and then the rose ball was an absoluteIt was awesome and I'm so pissed at myself that I got that fucking drunkAnd I was belligerent and then also that I forget some of the best part and the tailgate flew byAnd I have to wait a whole nother year next year. I'm drinking fuckingI'm drinking miller. That's itChampagne of beer. I'm doing that. They go down nice and easy at fucking seven in the morningKick a couple lows back when I have an omelet throw the football around fucking tailgate like you've been there before billYou know, I'm like at these fucking rose ball tailgates
01:38:52I'm like charlie brown every fucking year trying to kick the football and lucy pulls it away. How many fucking years bill?One of them. I was stone soberYou know, it's funny. I don't even remember that one eitherumAnyways, but as always jason lawheadRose bull tailgate legend if you ever are around that man when he's near a fucking grillGrab yourself a paper plate and wait your fucking turn because that dude he just keeps getting better at cooking. It's fucking insaneI remember one point some woman walked by and she looked at the fucking
01:39:28The the pork shoulder that he was he was smokingAnd she said oh, that's niceAnd I swear to god if I had a couple more beers, I would have tackled herThat's nicefuckingKind of understatement is that?I vaguely remember talking into a camera shit face going. Did you grow up in a city of gold?You know, it's fucking nice
01:39:52Jesus christ. I'm sure your mom was swellUm, all right, let's plow ahead here. UmWhat else did I want to talk about? I didn't even have a chance to watch any of the footballAnd I apologize what I said about the eagles. I'm not trying to rub your face in itDid anybody see the video with that guy that eagle fans spit in that?saints fans faceumI don't condone that behavior, but you're a fucking asshole
01:40:21The other guy was a fucking assholeJumping up, but you don't do that. There's there's an etiquette when you go into another stadiumWhen you okay, you want to show up wearing your your your fucking colorsAll right, you know, everybody's gonna break your balls you go inYou fucking roll with it. You laugh you take the shit and thenYou show that you're not going to be an asshole and usually that works other thanyou know on likeIn oakland san francisco
01:40:52San Diego are Philly for some reasonI don't know out here that you get stabbed or shot or just it just it gets really uglyUmAnd in Philly, you know, I guess it gets ugly too, but it's not like there hasn't been a bunch of stories about itThat team just lost in the playoffs people like what he does never right to cheer. He isn't cheeringHe's turning around filming sad eagle fans walking out of the stadiumScreaming who day who day and all this type of shitAnd I guess the dude I'd listen to it at the airport. It was really loud
01:41:29I guess he said I'm gonna spit in your face and he kept doing it in this dude just fucking effortlessly, you knowFluidly as he was exiting the stadium spit right in this guy's face and which is a terrible fucking thing to doYou shouldn't do itBut it's one of those that guy literally should just go to central park at three in the morningDressed like Liberace jumping up and downHolding a satchel of moneyGo look at all the money I got right and then when he gets hit over the head and muggedAll right, that's that's still wrong. It shouldn't happen. But what what are you doing?
01:42:04Why don't you tie a big fat steak to your fucking stomach and you have bloody steak and go jump in an alligator infested fucking lakeWhy don't you do that?And then I'm supposed to feel bad for you when the alligator fucking eats you. All rightumThat eagle fan was wrong. He shouldn't have done that shit, but the Saints fanwas wasrecklesswith his own well-being
01:42:30carelesssloppyAll right, if you were driving a fucking boat you would have run out of groundBecause you weren't paying attentionYou had no respect for yourself or your own safety or the dryness of your face in that moment, sirAll right, and he was not cheering he was taunting he was filming eagle fansleavingScreaming that hoot a all right. He's lucky. He didn't get a bucket of urine dumped over his head. Do you do that in Philly?
01:43:01I'm surprised you livedSo there you go. So look up that video and like I said, I don't condone that behavior obviouslyBut I can't judge it considering I yelled at a young lady young lady in cowboy boots because I was drunkSo now I am back on the wagonAll right, and I reserve the right that if I'm uh, you knowIf anything else like that happens, I'm gonna I'm gonna start drinking again, but I'm not I'm not you know like that fuckingYou know II'll give a fuck how long you were sober you would have started drinking too
01:43:40Anyways, uh, what else and Jesus ChristOh my god, I would say if I ever see somebody with Kansas CityJersey on or something I'd just give him a hug, but I wouldn't do that because that would actually make it worseThat would be some sort of panderinguhWhat happened to Kansas City chiefs fans should not happen to anybody and I that includes Yankee fans nobodyShould have to fuckinggo through that
01:44:11But that is today's nfl with the rule changes you are never out of itThat was absolutely fucking insaneI feel bad for chief fans and uhI feel great for Andrew Luck because I like that guy man. I really think that that guy is a uhObviously, I mean I'm not going out on that guy is showing he's got that l-way thingHe's got that fucking l-way thing. He's got a cannon he can runHe's never better than when the game's on the fucking line. He's showing hints of that and uhIt's fucking scary the potential of that guy
01:44:55umAnyway, all these guys cam newtons have an unbelievable yearUm, did they play this weekend? I missed everythingI missed everything. I was too busy fucking uhHaving the weekend of my life. I still cannot fucking believe that happenedI still cannot believe how niceAll the players were how gracious all of them wereThey they would just if they were fucking hilarious
01:45:26Just stand around drinking beers breaking balls and then you went out you played hockey with it was just it was fuckingunbelievableUn-unfucking believableI'm believe I'll never get over it greatest fucking weekend of my life. UmAnyways, so now yeah, that's my thing. I'm officially fucking old as hell 45 gonna be 46 this yearSo I'm doing the I'm hitting the yoga hard this year because I was starting to have like I like I'm so oldI like throw out my back sleepingIt's so fucking humbling
01:46:03You sit there and you lie to you say, you know, I look good for my ageI can still run around and shit and it just you just can't after a while. I don't know what it isHow do you throw you back out sleeping? Don't even fucking say it's a mattress. I've been sleeping on this mattressIt's a newer one. I've been sleeping on it for a couple years. It's still got years left in itIt's meOh Jesus ChristI wake up in the morning and my dogShe does two stretches
01:46:32Up dog down dog and she is shakes herself and she is ready to goShe gets a yawn in there somewhere else and she's ready to go and then she's staring at me and at this pointShe knows not to get too excited because she knows the entire stretching routineThat I have to go through just to walk her down the streetShe gets excitedBut then she just knows I have to I got to do like this whole like thissix-minute stretch routineAnd it drives it drives her nuts trying to fucking remain calm because she wants because she loves going outside like every dog
01:47:12So goddamn badI don't know. I guess I just I just have to uh, I just have to accept it and uh, oh, I forgot to mention that the new year's gigWe got a bunch of emails people some people came in from new mexicophoenix salt lake city san francisco portlandSacramento chicago san diego new york cityand vancouver man, that's justThat's fucking awesome, man. I I and I gotta tell you that that was a great show that nightThat really was a great show. I'm not even gonna lie. I was uh, I was on my game. Everybody was on that game
01:47:49uh, if you came that night, you definitely got a uhDefinitely got your money's worth and I'm actually thinking about maybedoing new yearsin la every other yearBecause I you knowI got the new hour going where it's supposed to beAnd it's worth the money every other year as far as like, uhIf you if I just did your fucking city, you know what I mean?
01:48:13If I come back a year later like half my acts still can be the same and I I fucked you overSo I do it like every other yearumWhatever, I don't need to break down my fucking process. I don't want you guys an explanation. Do I?I don't fucking know anyways, uhWhere are we? Where are we in the podcast here? 43 minutes flying by here?All right, let's get to uh, oh here's an email right hereConveniently enough about the uh, the will turn
01:48:41uh, billywoodI was at the will turn last nightFor your show my girlfriend and I drove drove down from portland. Jesus christ, dudeTake the five south the whole fucking wayUh, we got tickets right when you announced it because we knew we wouldn't want to doAny of the traditional new year plans dinner and parties and all that bullshitThey are all mediocre best, but last night's show was hilarious. Thank you. Everyone was hilariousUp and down the funniest show I've ever seen we stayed for the countdown and you didn't disappoint
01:49:14Oh, it's great. We had a dj and I got to do the countdownAnd sing that depressing song was fucking awesomeUh, I said if ever the end of the world is comingI'd want you to do the final countdown before we all burst into oblivion. Thanks again for the laughs come to portlandChrist, it's been forever. Yeah, I haven't been there in a while. Thank you. That isn't even like a question or anythingThat was just a nice email and I appreciate itAll right, australiaUh, hi, I was wondering if bill will return to australia. I have a group of friends who would appreciate seeing a stand-up show
01:49:48Thank you and kind regards. Look how nice these emails are this weekI think everybody made a new year's resolution to be a little nicer to me in the emailsYou know, maybe for once think about my feelingsuh, yesI was talking to my agent today about, uh, putting togethera run through, uh, australia and, uhAnd my fucking goddamn phone never stopsI'm definitely going to do it. I mean, I'm hoping to tour the entire country. If not, I am at the very least I'm going to do
01:50:21a number of citiesThat is the game plan. I'm hoping to go from Perth all the way across. We'll seeWhat it looks like. You never know what, umYou know, when you're going to cities, you never been to you don't know if people are going to show upYou got to get a promoter who's going to believe in you. You got to get people who are going to hype the showYada yada yada, but uh, I really hope that uh, we can put something together. Maybe tack on new zealand while I'm at itWe shall see we shall see but it's nice to know that people are asking. All right long distance hiking now last week I mentionedThat I went on a hike and we just kept going and going like assholes
01:50:59Not realizing that we had to walk backHiking is not like a treadmill. You don't just get to step off and be like, oh, I'm stillDespite the fact I walked for an hour. I am still onlyYou know 10 paces from my foot in the parking lot in my carum, we ended up going on like a an 11 mile hike and uhit was uhexhausting to say the least so this person is writing about long distance hikingAnother great old man thing to do yoga
01:51:29hockeyice hockey and uh hikingYou knowYou know, um, all right. Hey bill. I've been listening to your podcast long enough to know that you love hikingYou hate getting fatAnd you get easily annoyed by day-to-day bullshit. I really think you'd enjoy backpacking. Oh JesusBackpackingI know it's awesome, but can you call it something else?
01:51:57Backpacking I just feel like I'm fucking waiting for a bus picking my noseBy ready to get this shit kicked out of meHey, you guys want to go backpacking?It's a pack you put on your backAnd you go backpackingUm, or long distance hiking. Okay, let's call it thatIt's a really I long distance hiking freaks me out because I feel at that pointYou've walked long enough to run into something that can maul you to death slash rip your face off
01:52:24Or at the very least just sort of bite your throat until it stops feeling the pulseYou know start getting into that next weight classof animalsI don't know, you know mountain lionsblack beargrizzly bearFucking anaconda whatever exotic pet that somebody let loose that has no natural enemy that is now taking over the forestum
01:52:52Longest or long distance hiking. It's reallyIt's really freeing to walk away from civilization for a week or more with aSolid pair of boots and everything you need strapped to your backDude, fuck that. You're more man or woman than I am. I I can't fucking deal with that. I get scaredI get I get freaked the fuck out. I'd have to be out there with somebody who knew what they were doing who had a gunUh automatic too not even semi automaticI need something that I could spray in the general direction of the sound. I just heard and you know if we kill a couple of backpackersThere's no one else around
01:53:33burying them is optionalI would say leave them above ground because they'll get picked away a lot quickerThen people will find their clothes. I guess the bones would be thereThat's creepy. See what happens when you go out in the wilderness? So you start fucking talking about shit like thatI live in a suburbOkay, there's plenty of people to shoot and I never think of doing it. They're right out thereRight fucking out there. I never think of shooting them all of a sudden you get me backpacking or long distance hikingAnd I'm trying to think out of buried bodies
01:54:05All right, every time I finish a long hikeI come back looking healthier and leanerAnd feeling refreshed. Yeah, because you're out there eating berries wiping your ass with fucking pine conesThat's that that's why you have that peculiar look on your faceUh, no matter how much you eat on the trail you're guaranteed to lose weight if you spend six hours a day hikingWith a 35 pound backpack. There's no need to limit yourselfTo salads and juice. I can't tell you how many timesI've had
01:54:38Older day hikers look at my backpack and tell me they wish they had done more backpacking when they were able toIt's a really unique experience experience out there on your own. Yeah, I bet it is. Well, what can you please write back and tell me, uhWhat you do about animals, manBecause I'm telling you right now. I'm not doing thisYou know, the only way I would do this is I was in a fucking platoon and we all had machine guns just in case I missedUm anywaysOh, here he goes. He's gonna calm me down and it isn't nearly as dangerous or as difficult as people make it out to beIf you stay on the trail, you'll usually run across another hiker every few hours. Oh, that's comforting
01:55:20That's comforting every couple hours. I can run into johnny apple seatBut during the other hour and 50 minutes. I'm on my ownall rightUh, you're running usually run into another hiker every few hours that can help you if you get hurtAnd bears mountain lions and all those other beasts kill a lot fewer people than los angeles traffic accidents doWell, I used to do a bit on that. Well, obviously because the fuckingYou know, there's you're running into one personEvery two hours, sir. Let's do the math here. Okay
01:55:59Here's the dealThere's like seven million people in los angelesOkayYou can't fucking go anywhere without running into like a thousand fucking people out hereYou're somewhere where you walk every two hours and run into one human being so obviouslyI can guarantee you if those lions and mountain lions were down hereThe death rate would be through the fucking roofAll right, this is the guy is what he says to he goes just keep your food away from your tent and you'll be fine
01:56:32Do you understand sir that you're telling me to do something where if I'm too near my food supplyI could possibly get eaten to deathYou want me to leave my living room?You know, why can't I just sit on my back porch?Listen, I would loveI would love to toGo hiking like that. I I really would but I cannot get pastUm
01:57:04No, and I don't think you should be able to get past it that there's that type of shit is out thereAll right, and if you get mauled to deathAs a stand-up comedianYeah, you really would just look into trouble. Weren't you?IThat's you know, somebody just asked me to do a cruiseTo do stand-up on a cruise and I I told them I wasn't going to do itAnd they said why not and I said because I'm terrified of the ocean
01:57:36Okay, that's whyI don't I I I respect it the ocean is not the oceanIt is the ocean but it's it's literallyYou're talking aboutIt's outer space on earthThat's what it isOkay, you can't breathe in itYou're not you can't be in it if you're in it too long
01:58:05You're you're either going to get hypothermia or something's going to come up and take a bite out of you to see if you're edibleOr you're going to drownThose are your three fucking optionsAnd I know what you're thinking dude cruise is a safe manYou're out there on this big fucking boat. Yeah, and until you're notuntil you're notAnd then you proceed to die one of these slowest most terrifying fucking deaths that there istreading water in the middle of fucking nowhere
01:58:41And somebody's gonna die no matter how fast they can fucking get you out thereSomebody is gonna die and people follow I fucking would did one cruiseIn my life and I could not I couldn't get past the fact that I was on somethingThat the second it fucking shits the bed and I know you guys think that you goI've been on cruises and go fuck yourself. I talked to the bandThat was on this cruise ship for fucking years and they told me storiesOver a little fucking plate of jello late at night those awful cruise dessertsSome poor excuse for fucking I also I don't like fucking going out there and all of a sudden
01:59:20It's maritime laws and this douchebagWho didn't even run for office is now telling me what the he heats it's whatever he says goesWith his stupid ass fucking outfitGo fuck yourselfUm, they told me storiesOkayThey told me they told me enough fucking stories about food poisoning about shit backing up about uh one engine not workingAnd now they're going half speed and then they don't make it to all the cities and then they make up shit about hurricanes
01:59:56And then they have fucking trust mePeople having medical issues and having to be fucking helicoptered offAnd flown as quickly as humanly possible not to the best possible hospital to the nearest oneAll right, and you're going on a cruiseThey go all over the fucking worldAnd they go buy a bunch of fucking countries that you wouldn't want to fucking get if I have a goddamn hangnail inBut all of a sudden they're the closest one and that's where the fuck you're goingDole here dr. Harry hack it off fuck that
02:00:30Fuck thatAll rightFucking combined stand-up comedy in water world. I'm not doing it. All right, so that's the thing about I would absolutely loveTo go backpacking. I would love to do that. I would love to go up fucking mountains. I would love to do thatIt's way better than going to the gym. I understand 100What you're talking about butDude that shit where you run into a bearmama bear and it just
02:01:05Turns around and just runs at you 35 40 miles an hourYou basically and you're sitting therehearing thisthis beastLike trees getting out of the fucking wayIt's this thing is just coming flying down the fucking hill at you and you're runningKnowing you're gonna get caughtAnd you're hearing your stupid pots and pans clinking clanking together
02:01:35And all you're trying to do is just get out in front of your friendSo he's the one that goes down and so you can live knowingFor the rest of your life what your strategy did killed your friendshere in his ChristWhatever the what is the sound of having your face ripped offI like to lose weight like the next guyJesus go out there with your beer your fucking bear maceFuck all of that
02:02:06bearsmountain lionspoisonous snakesWhat about if you just and then all the fucking varmints out thereI love that word because you sent me sam's the only person I ever heard use it and I when I found outIt was actually a credible word and not something made upI absolutely love that word varmintsYou know badgers wolverines
02:02:32bobcatsPeople look at bobcats like they're no big deal. Have they gotten scratched by a fucking house cat?How bad that that thing can fuck you up with its little ass fucking pawsAll rightYou you want a goddamn links jumping on youGoing to fucking town because it's bored or you freaked it outOr you came near too near something that it peed onAnd you have no fucking idea
02:03:01That's another thing dude. You're in their worldThis guy actually actually respected the fact that I said I'm not doing itBut I also he I think he thought it was pretty peculiar that I wouldn't do uh stand up on a cruiseI just jumped subject. SorryAnd uh, and I was waiting for him to ask me why and I would just be like well, you know, would you do a podcast?You know and on a boat in a lake that's full of fucking alligatorsI mean you can okay. We're on the boat. Everything's fucking fine, but it really is just an unnecessary riskthat you take
02:03:35Goes all the way back to that fucking saints fanHe got off easyThat same fucking guy put that guy with his jersey with his video camera cameraWalking up to a mama bear screaming who day who day and all that type of shit. He's worried about getting spit in his faceHe would have bear saliva all around his fucking neckAh Jesus christI've actually thought about that like what do I have to do if a bear was running right at meI just wish that I would have
02:04:07The wherewithal to run right at itLike you know if a shark was coming at me swim right at it and as quickly as you canShove your fucking head in there and get it over withThat is the only fucking strategyWhat are you gonna climb a tree?Things gonna go right up that tree. Do you ever see that youtube video of those guys sitting in the tree hunting that bear and allOf a sudden the bear just literally runs up the tree next to himand is like
02:04:43Like I don't knowSeven feet above him on the tree next to himLeaning out sniffing at them trying to figure out what the fuck they are and I love how the bears just instinctively instinctively knowit's just like likeWith that bearEight feet above you that's like when you're in the upper deck of a stadiumYou know and your shit facedAnd you get into it with somebody two rows behind you they automatically have the advantage because they're punching down
02:05:13Right, you're gonna lose that fight. You're gonna fall on your back. You're probably gonna break your ankleSomething's gonna get twistedIt's this guy's punching down at you now. Just imagine it was a bearThat was the situation these people are in you got to check out that video this fucking bearIt was on the groundAnd they're whispering in their little fatigues looking at this thing and then this thingI don't know how it found himYou just heard
02:05:39And that was it over this thing was all of a sudden not on the floor of the forest20 feet down it was now eight feet above them sniffing at them like oh, is that a food source?Jesus dude, you really just hit on like two people today hit on two tremendous fearsI have being alone in the fucking wilderness and and and being out to seeFuck both of those although I want to hear the stories if you do itYou know, not if you went on a cruise. I don't give a shitGoing out there eating jello with your date rape drug fucking weirdoYou know to go see the reunion of wham
02:06:15Cindy Loper cruise whatever the fuck you're doing. I don't know. All right advice on college selectionOh wait, let me let me read the last couple of fuckingAds hereAll right. Oh the classic here we go taking it to the street stamps.com everybodyOne great resolution you can make for this new yearMaximize every minute and every dollar for your small business and you know what?I know an easy way to do that an easy simple way. What is it? It's stamps.comThink about how much time you've wasted going to the post office. Are you done thinking about it?
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02:07:57The holidays are coming that you're still with thisThis copy e-voice. Are you serious?E voice the holidays are coming everybody. They're only 12 months awayAnd as a business owner, you know what that means crickets face it the next couple of monthsOr 12 months are are the calm before the stormNow it's the time to do something that will dramatically help your2014 e-voice e-voice is the simple technology that helps you make more money with e-voice toll-freeOr local numbers call routing tools and a professional dial
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02:09:11Or go to bill burr.com and click on the e-voice bannerThat's e-voice.com slash bill burr or bill burr.com and click on the e-voice banner now is the timeTo take charge of your business and prepare for a productive 2014Go to e-voice.com slash bill burr or go to bill burr.com. All right, that's the dealThat's it. That's the advertising for this week. Okay, my apologiesIs anybody who had to listen to me butcher my way through that? All right advice on college selectionUh, dear billiam bourbon. I'm an 18 year old seniorHeaded into my final high school semester
02:09:46And i'm conflicted as to what school I want to attend after high schoolI've narrowed it down to two colleges. I want to attend each polar oppositesJesus dude, this is like one of the biggest decisions of your young lifeAnd you just heard me trying to read out loudOkay, so take everything that I sayWith a grain of salt. All right, the first this person is considering is the university university of arizona the safeCheaper choice where all my buddies are going to go and it's in it's in state with about 40 000 enrolled studentsI gotta tell you right off the bat
02:10:26That sounds fun because I don't like to read. I don't like to study. I like to drink with my friends and I like talking to the ladiesSo i'm already liking university arizona goddamn, but that sounds like a nightclub to meUh, they off okay. They offer my first choice for a majorWhat they offer my first choice for a majorOh, they offer my first choice for a major which is nutritionAnd it's a two hour drive from home, which is nice considering my familyIs still mourning the loss of my dad. Ah, Jesus dude. I'm sorry to hear thatWow, all of a sudden that takes all the fun out of this
02:11:04Uh, the downside is that everyone from my high school goes there and I feel like it'sA cop out choice. I have a good. YeahI know what you meanI know what you mean, you know, plus you want to meet all a bunch of a bunch of new women, you knowSupposedly got some shady past that's always great to go to a new college. You just fucking reinvent yourselfumLike hipsters try to do they try to act like they were the cool guy in high schoolThat fucked the cheerleaders, you know as they sit there dressed like robert fulton for no fucking apparent reason
02:11:41Anyways, I had a good g uh good gpa fantastic test scores and enough extra curriculars to get me into some pretty selective schoolsSo I feel like u of a isn't enough of a challengeI don't really have much incentive to go there and I fear i'll be unhappyI'll be unhappy there due to the lack of risk taking. All right, dude. You sound like you make you're already making the choiceI feel you leaningUm, you jumping off sides hereUh, the other is louis and clark collegeNow jesus christ
02:12:15A liberal arts college in a beautiful part of portland, dude, you just went from blondes and bikinisto uncontrolled bushesWe're in bergenstocks now. I know i'm stereotypingAll right. Yeah, jesus christYou really are a smart one, aren't you?Now, you know what? Okay, wait a minute. I'm gonna stop being an assholeYou know what university going to the fucking university of arizona from what i've heardThat's just like remember that guy used to take those creepy videos of the girls gone wild
02:12:51you knowBecause girls got roofied was a little too, uhOn the noseThat's what those arizona colleges sound likeUm, I had a buddy of mine from high school. He went out there and he got all fucked upIt was it was too much girls came to fucking classes and bikini tops. What were you supposed to do?Anyways, he goes the other is louis and clark. At least they did back in the 80s. The other is louis and clark collegeIt's a liberal arts college in a beautiful part of portland portland, organ is fucking gorgeous with about 2000 kids
02:13:26It'd be a nice distance away from homeAnd it's the college where my heart lies. What do this is it right here?2000 kids is great, manGoing to a school where it's a fucking cityLook, they all have their own bus system, man. That's insaneUm, just personally speaking. He said it'd be a nice distance away from homeAnd it's the college where my heart lies. Yeah, dude, and you grew up in arizonaGo see something different
02:13:52Uh, the campus is absolutely incredible and we have family up there in case something goes wrongIt's a tad more pricey, but my family set up is my sent my family set upTo where I have the option to spend a lot on college the downside is that it's such a change for me a new cityI have visitedIt but it's far away from home night. No high school friends and i'm a natural pessimistSo I wonder what the gloomy gray winters will do to me mentally. Oh, dude. Fuck this man, man upYou want to go you're scared you should be scared you're 18, but it's it's goodThis is a good thing to be scared of and to get over you got to go out there, dude
02:14:32Jesus christYou live in arizona you can fucking come there anytime you want toFuck that go away to school, manPortland is the shitOregon's beautiful all the way up into washington. It's fucking gorgeous, manCruise down to coups bay. I've been all over that fucking state. It's awesome. And not only that, you know, they got great college football up there nowIf you're into that type of shit go to one of those oregon games that fucking do that in a secondUm, anyways, I'll keep going. He says the portland weather is almost the polar opposite of arizona weather and that spooks me
02:15:08Uh, dudeRain doesn't hurtAll right, you'll be fineYou know, all right, still I feel like lewis and clark is the opportunity that I've been waiting for plus i'm aRelatively solitary person. So I think I'd fit in with a more mellow campusThan a fraternity run school like u of a that sounds like you wouldEssentially it comes down to huge party school versus beautiful small liberal arts schoolThe thought of being alone with no one I know in a new school scares me and excites me at the same time
02:15:42Let me know thanks in advance. Go fuck yourself. Dude. You've already made your uh decisionYou want to challenge yourself? It's exciting. You're gonna meet new people. It's gonna be awesome, dudeIt's gonna be fucking awesomeGo up there and have a great time and uh, as far as I know if there's a party going on you basically have a party schoolokayAnd you don't want to all you want to do is just fucking party the whole goddamn time because you're not going to learn anythingIt's going to go by like that tailgate I went to and you're going to be drunk and belligerent and act like a fucking moronAnd come out of there with a big booze head. You don't want to do that either
02:16:17Um, believe meIf you think that people aren't partying in portland first of all if I had to guess they probably make insane fucking weedIn that stateI don't know if it's legal, but by the time fucking november rolls around it probably will beOh, jesus I I meanI would live thereI would liveIn seattle. I would live in portland. I would live in any either. Well either one of those states
02:16:48More northern oregon or I would live on on the coastIt's justSome of the most lushLand you're ever gonna see with all of that rain. I'm telling youIt's absolutely fucking gorgeous, man. It's fucking gorgeous. You know when the people are smartYou know rains all the time they got nothing to do with sit around and readUm, all right advice dear bill bow faggots. Oh jesus he went homophobicI am taking an anatomy class before I start the med school shit show
02:17:22Oh, jesus. All right, there's this hot chick that I've been do this sounds like the beginning of a pornoYou're gonna be a doctor in medical school. You're taking an anatomy classHere comes this hot chick and what she wants you to help her out with the anatomy as you take out your fucking dick thereHe goes there's this hot chick that I've been talking to but I feel creepy about asking her asking her outWhile we're digging outA dead grandmother's fallopian tube together who is probably a peachDude I'm gonna tell you right now. You're you're you're in the game. You are so in the gameYou don't even fucking understand it. All right. You're
02:18:08You're smart enough to be in medical school. You're gonna be a doctor. So right there. You're a fucking rock starto womenThey all who doesn't want to bring him. He's in medical school. He's got a mom and dadI'm I'm dating a fucking guy in medical school and on top of that you're fucking hilariousThat's it one two punch. It's overUp a cut to the fucking snatch over there. UmHe said how should I approach this?By the way, when are you gonna come to san francisco with gingerly love
02:18:47Um, let's see here. How do you approach it? Well, dude, you'reWell, you don't have to hit on her while you're working. How about you're in the when you're in the lunch room?Like dude, you're alreadyYou're so fucking in there. It's ridiculous. You're already funny as fucking hellSo I have total faith in you all you all you need is a locationI would say yeah when you're not standing next, you know digging into a cadaverOther than that, you knowJust start working on her
02:19:25Working on you know make her laugh at work ask her about her background, but blah blah blah, you knowBut don't fucking you know talk to her too long before asking her outYou know work the body a little bit. Hey, would you grow up? How many brothers and sisters you got blah blah blah blah?You know, I don't know ask you you seen anybodyWould you like to fucking see me and then you fucking open your your lab coat with nothing underneath it?Your flasherSo you can get away with it. You're in anatomy class. Bang. That's how you do it nowUm, dude, you're gonna be fine. You don't need my fucking help
02:20:02all rightJust don't do it when you're dissecting shitAll right, Jesus christ is that guy fucking killing it or what?Don't you wish you had his life?If you could do it over again, are you smart enough to get into medical school and there's some hot chicken you're fucking classJesus I can tell you this sir. She's gonna be the first of manyAll right, you motherfucker. All you got to do is walk around with that stethoscope around your fucking lab coat with your scrubs on forget itIt's gonna be raining hailing fucking
02:20:40Johnny blue top shelfFucking pussy for you good good on youGood on you sir. You studyYou study the nice school. You deserve it or you fucking uh, you were born with the a brain. You got the a brainEvery tell you about that my philosophy some people get the a brain some people get the b brainSome people get the c brain and then after that. I don't I don't make fun of peopleAll right, I make fun of the the c brainThe c brain is is that person that you know
02:21:13You know, you know those mouth breathing fucking morons those people. All rightThey got the c brain that one where they can get a driver's licenseYou knowThey can pour themselves a bowl of cereal, but and they can get to work on timeYou knowYou know those people like when you ask them a question they get a look on their face almost like they're gonna start cryingThat would be the c brainThe b brain
02:21:43Would be would be me you're smart, but you're a fucking idiotAnd then the a brain is you just you knowJust straight across the board. You're a number one draft pickAll right, I would go late in the third round, but I got a lot of hot. All right the campaign voice builtUh, we're gonna get America back to work and it's time we give tax cuts to people whoWho really need them had me rolling when I first heard you do that stereotypical campaign voice, you know, it's funnyI don't even knowWhat voice that is
02:22:27I remember saying that stuffIDo I I don't I'm thinking like I don't yell do I I didn't fucking know I can't remember anywaysI've heard you do the campaign voice a few times on conanopiate anthony etcDo you do that in your act or was that just something you did during the presidential election season?It must have been because I can't remember how to do itIt must have been because I can't remember how to do it
02:22:53Oh, this is fucking killing meDo I do it my am I do I do I have a funny voice and I'm not utilizing I could get me another fucking desperate six minutes to my actUh, would you do a few minutes of it on your next podcast?Well, what am I a fucking jukebox?Listen, I'll do it for you, but you got to send the audio if you're doing your impression of itAll right, you got to make an ass of yourself and then I'll fucking tap dance for youUmThanks, he says thanks. I've been paying attention to your comedy since I caught your half hour special
02:23:26When I was in middle schoolI'm now 47. No kidding. I'm really happy for all your success and I wish you continued successJesus christ people are coming out of the gate in 2014 really nice. Thank you very much, sirHow do I do that thingHow do I do the campaign voice that's not the one thatAbsolutelyThey just like was was it that one now you got me in my headSee I'm a I'm I'm smart, but I'm a fucking idiot. I can't even remember the shit that I do
02:24:02Ah fuck anywaysHere's the wrap up everybody now that the show is overDon't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytimeAnywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast everybody and get a free trialExtended free trial of hulu plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the hulu plus banner orGo to hulu plus dot com slash bill. That's hulu plus dot com slash billThere you go. UmAll right, that's the podcast for this week and um
02:24:39Once again from the bottom of my heartThank you to randy bowman for hooking me upwith the uhThe gig thank you to mario lemieuxAnd all everybody at the camp everybody that I played with everybody who laughed at the jokes from me and steve burn told themUm, I don't want to speak for steve, but I think I can that was uhWe were just shaking our heads today. UhWe flew back we connected in dallas and we got uh
02:25:07Um, they were de-ice in our plane. So we missed the connecting flight and we got stuck there for a couple of hoursUm, those of you who follow me on twitter. I was twittering my fucking misery when I was thereUm until I saw the guy with the neck brace sneezed that fucking killed meThe look of panic on his face because he knew he was going to sneeze and he knew it was going to hurtI if I could ever if I could do that face on cue. I swear to god I could win a fucking oscarUm, but anyways, we were sitting there in the in the airport just talking aboutJust talking about howJust shaking our head
02:25:47It was unbelievable. Well, as always, you know, I'm not going to name names and all that type of shitUmBut it was it was fucking amazing man fucking amazing. So, uh, that's it man. That's my that's how my 2014 startedand umPeople actually have pictures of me now wearingPittsburgh penguin jerseyThat's the only thing but I was willing to pay that priceum
02:26:13I got to thank tai domi for punching off samuelson in the faceIt's just how do you fucking beat that? How where does 2014 go from here?The bestNow my kingdomOhOhOh
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