Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-7-16

Episode Date: January 8, 2016

Bill rambles about power of attorney, stale breath and the Detroit Pistons.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. It's like fucking 7.15 in the morning.

My wife's downstairs still sleeping. You know what's hilarious? Fucking Verzi texts me, right? At like 6.10 in the morning. He goes, I was just at a great diner. Orated eggs over medium. They came eggs over easy. And then writes, unreal.

So then I wrote back, I text back, right? I was laying in bed and my fucking phone goes off, right? So I wake up and that's what I read, right? So I just text them back and I go, they didn't care, Paul, right? And then he writes, he texts back, how are you up at this hour, animal? And then I text back, I go,

oh, because some guy on the east coast keeps texting me. How come when you put your fucking phone on vibrate? I guess it's the vibrating sound. You think it's going to be silent? I got to find this. Go into your settings. Oh, fuck you. You know, my goal for 2016 is to just not go into my settings.

What are they going to come up with the fucking robot that does that for you, right? Just goes into your set. Well, you know what that, then you lose total control. That's like signing over power of attorney. These fucking dopes that I know, they guys that have a money manager. And, you know, I haven't paid a bill in years

and they just have some guy writing checks on their account signing their fucking name. There you go. Is it good move financially? What, because you don't want to lick a stamp a couple of times a week? You're going to just hand over all your finances, everything you ever fucking work for to some fucking jerk off? Can't do that shit.

You cannot do that. Anytime you're in a position to have a money manager, you cannot do it because there's no way you're not making more money than that fucking guy. If he was, he'd have his own money manager, right? So all he's going to do is see you making more money than him and then he's handling all the money and then eventually he's going to be like,

hey, you know, I think I'm entitled to more. Maybe I'm going to go to McDonald's today on his dime and he writes a check for four bucks, right? He fucking chows down and he waits. See if this guy pays attention. See if he fucking notices that a four dollar check to McDonald's was written this month. Nothing.

So wait another month, play it safe. Play it safe. I mean, we're fucking with jail time here. Play it safe, right? You go two, three months, he doesn't fucking notice. All right. Okay, my kid's got a birthday coming up. Well, let's see if I dip in here and I go to fucking Toys R Us.

Let's see if he notices. Let's see if he notices. I'll go down there and get the fucking Millennium Falcon and all this Star Wars shit for my son and for my daughter. I'll get her the fucking Kitty carry all fucking Easy Bake. Whatever the fuck you get abroad, right? A little broad LP, right? Not Linden.

Bias. Talking a little broad here, right? So you fucking go down and you do that, right? There's fucking whatever, 150 bucks out of the count. Does he notice? He doesn't fucking notice, right? Does not fucking notice. And then, you know, you just pick it.

It just keeps opening and opening and then the guy can't stop. He can't fucking stop himself. He's taking so much fucking money. He starts donating some of it to charity. He's fucking taking his friends out. Don't worry. It's on me, right? That's all the guilt.

He knows it's coming as he sits between his 2000 thread count fucking sheets at night. He's just laying there knowing at some point that door is going to be kicked in. You know, he's just going to hear out the door. And then he's going to be like, did I just dream that? Boom. It's going to come open. There he's going to be like Jerry Lundegard and fucking Fargo trying to go out that bathroom window and then just going to grab him as he goes.

Faced out on the fucking bed, right? Then it is what's going to happen. All right, they get him and they go to jail and then what the fuck are you going to do? Then you got to take this cut to court. He's already blown all the fucking cash. Or you know what you could do? You could make out a check to the fucking gas company every fucking month. You could do that.

You know, you could sit down in front of the TV, you know, watching a little bit of the news. You could do that and just not open yourself up to that shit. I mean, that's what you could do. Oh, I'm on my fucking stump today. I just yelled. My wife's going to give me shit. But you know, when you're in a relationship, there's ups and downs in the relationships and there's times when you give a shit what that person thinks about you.

And then there's times when you don't. Seven in the morning on a Thursday when I'm a little grumpy, I don't give a fuck. She'll be mad through breakfast. I just don't understand why you have to yell that early in the morning. I don't understand. I know you don't understand. I know all day long, you don't understand. It's your fucking goddamn MO.

That's the ladies MO. I don't understand why you don't just do everything that I want at the moment that I want you to do it. I don't understand that I live with somebody else. There's a different schedule that I do. I don't understand. Anyways, Jesus Christ. You know, I've watched the last three Celtic games in a row, believe it or not. I can't remember the last time I watched three Celtic games, regular season games in a row.

Not even when we bought the NBA title in 2007, 2008, whatever the fuck it was, right, that season. I never watched three games in a row. I just didn't. I haven't watched them in fucking ever. I was totally turned off by the NBA. I was convinced that it was fixed. I said it for years. I said this game, the fucking league is fixed.

And then they ended up finding a ref. That was fixing games that fucked the Sacramento Kings out of a playoff series. The Western Conference Finals, if I remember correctly. And the Lakers went on to the finals and won a championship. That guy has admitted that he fixed that series. The Lakers still have that banner, right? And I didn't give a shit. I was sitting there.

I felt vindicated going, hey, look, this is what I've been saying. I told you it was fixed. And you know what these hoop heads said to me? That's right. I called them hoop heads. You know what they said? They go, oh, that's just one guy. It's just one fucking guy.

Hilarious. Fucking hilarious. You know what I mean? I'd love to see a guy do that on like the view or the talk, one of those shows, you know, with all the ladies sitting there when they bring up domestic violence going over fucking blah, blah, blah. No women are beaten every year. And just be like, well, it's just like, you know, it's like 6% of guys. Other 94% of us are crushing it.

As far as not hitting women, I'd love to see you do that. You know what? You'd be called a fucking sexist, a goddamn animal. It would probably, if they could affect your bottom line. Because it's never about educating people when they make ignorant statements. It's about destroying their ability to earn a living, which is great. You know what I mean? Because I'm sure that helps that person's hateful heart, you know, to have the group that they have an issue with.

Take away his paycheck every fucking week or her paycheck. Then I'm sure they go, oh, now I get it. Now I get, I should be less racist. I think they do that when someone gets busted for being a racist, right? They get busted for fucking being a racist, right? And rather than trying to educate them, they just kick them out on the fucking street. Wait, I'm not saying you don't hold somebody accountable. I'm not saying you don't sit down until you should try to fucking educate them.

I guess there's got to be some sort of a fine though, right? Get a couple of week's suspension. I don't know. How do you, can you really change a racist? I don't know. You know what I mean? Well, you know what? White guys can't jump, but they make those little things that, you know, they stick on the bottom of your sneakers to give you the quick twitch. At least they showed that on the back of the, you know, the comic books.

Maybe they could make that feel like racist people, you know, or better yet, you know, not better yet, but how about we switch it up? How about, how about nags, you know, if you're with somebody who's just a whiner, are they nag? Are they just a fucking pain in the ass? It's just something you can put on the bottom of their shoe. Give them a little spring in their step, you know, get the endorphins moving, you know what I mean? Get them to walk around the block, maybe see a couple of butterflies. You know, chill the fuck out. Maybe you could do that.

I have no idea. Do you see those two surfers in Australia invented that thing that can vacuum up the ocean? It really can't, but it can get rid of a lot of litter. I don't know how many you'd need to fuck it and the swirl we got going out there in the fucking Pacific Ocean. But it was a really cool idea and it was evidently safe for marine life and all of that type of shit. And that actually gave me hope for our ability to continue being here for any sort of foreseeable future. And then I was just like, you know what's going to happen is there the game that they're going to have to play to get that thing to a national fucking level, international level that everybody would actually use it.

The sea of corporate and political red tape that you would have to go through and the amount of ownership that you're going to have to give up probably 100% to actually make that fucking thing happen. The chances of them actually using that fucking thing is probably zero fucking percent. That's what's going to fucking happen. You know what I mean? Hey, it's a thing that could possibly solve the problem. What is the thing? You know what's funny is you vacuum up the fucking litter out of the ocean and then where do you put it? You know? Then you put it in the ground. What about the worms? Then the birds can't eat it. Then the cats have nothing to eat. The dogs have nothing to chase. You know, certain groups of people have nothing to eat, right? Then we have nobody to fight and then fucking our military goes down the drain. It's a fucking, it's a slippery slope. You start vacuuming up the ocean.

You know, I was thinking the other day, you know, when the world population got out of control is when shit couldn't be made out of natural shit anymore. You know, like if you look at kids toys and back in like the 40s and 50s, if you go on eBay and look at those creepy fucking toys played by now dead kids. Kids that have now grown up, gotten divorced, you know, oh Jesus, the fucking clouds hanging over me today. This is what happens when somebody texts me before I want to fucking wake up. I'm grumpy. Back then, if you look at those creepy ass fucking toys that looks slightly haunted, you know what I mean? They made out of wood, metal, the cars, even like the tires, we made out of rubber. There was all natural shit. So at the end of the day, if you fucking threw those things out, even if you threw them into the fucking ocean, they don't belong in there. At the end of the day, what do you got? You got a little bit of metal, a little bit of wood, right?

It's going to break down. It's going to be fine. I'm not saying to throw fucking, you know, old dead kids toys into the ocean. That's not what I'm saying yet, but I'm saying whatever you take it down to the dump and all of that shit's going to biodegrade, right? It was, you know, once we went into the plastics, let's fuck it over. Because there was so many goddamn whining kids. They had more whining kids than they had fucking trees and rubber. That comes from a tree, right? Just what makes that little old ant think he can climb that rubber tree plant? Ah, fucking. It's a tree and a plant. Doesn't make any sense. It's the Bruce Jenner of fucking trees. It's a hybrid. It's got a leg on either side of the fence. Let me look this shit up.

Oh, you get to listen to Bill type here. Just what makes that little old ant think he can climb that rubber tree plant? Rubber tree plant. Maybe they just put plant in there. So it would rhyme with everyone knows that it can't climb a rubber tree plant. All right, images. Well, that looks like a fucking plant to me. Rubber tree plant. Why, what does any of them say rubber tree plant on? Rubber tree plant. You know what? My apologies to Frank Sinatra, whoever wrote that fucking song. Rubber tree plant. Be the first to view this product. He can get one for 50 bucks. Dude, I'm telling you, if you fucking had a bunch of those things, if you had a bunch of rubber tree plants, right?

And you just grew them in a greenhouse outside your house. All your neighbors would think that you were fucking, you know, dealing weed. And all you were doing was just making yourself your own homemade radio tires. Can you still buy studded tires? Do you remember those fucking things? They had nails in them. You know, you could run over children with them and they blame the kids. Studded tires. There you go. Studded snow tires for studless snow tires. Images for studded tires. Look at that. You get a little traction. Then of course, some rednecks got to do it with the spikes coming out. I love those rednecks who like rolling coal. They're fucking dopes.

Like they're making some sort of statement and they always turn it on and they blow the black smoke into a Prius. Yeah. So he's the guys like pumping their fists. I don't know. It's one of my favorite things. What was I talking about? Yeah, you got to go back to making kids toys. If I was elected president, if I was running for office, right? That's what I would say. I would go up there. I would completely ignore Donald Trump. And whenever he talked to me, I would just look at the crowd and be like, is he puckering his lips? Are his lips still puckering? I can't look at him. He looks like an old angry fish who didn't achieve his dreams. And now he's picking on all the younger fish. Sorry.

And his hair is the color of a goldfish. I would just say, listen, what we need to do is we need to get the population down to where we can make children's toys out of wood, metal and rubber again. Do you understand me? We got to stop vaccinating people for polio. We got to let the measles come back. We got to burn off the herd. Okay. That's what we need to do so we can once again make toys out of wood, metal and rubber. Same thing with cars. And I don't give a fuck about safety. No more crumple zones. All right. Go back to the old days. Gonna stick you in fucking Model T's, you know, driving around in a goddamn toaster.

That's what's going to happen. And then you whip around the corner, you flip the fucking thing over and that's it for you. Right? And you biodegrade and so does the car because there's going to be no more growth hormones and preservatives or any of that shit in the fucking food. Oh yeah, people are going to starve. God damn right they are. They're going to fucking starve. But they're going to biodegrade and they will create, will throw them all in the same fucking ditch and they will create a fossil fuel that we can use together in the future. What kind of octane do you think that would be? Is that the right word? You know, human beings turns into a fossil fuel. Do you think we'd be an 87, a 91 or a 93, whatever the fuck that means? Isn't that just a purification process? You know, it's funny there's actually somebody who's not in that industry that actually could explain it. And that's the kind of person you do not want to be in a car with for any long, like, I don't know, I can't want to know what the fuck I'm trying to say.

Long specific time. It didn't sound right in my fucking head and I still said it. Long period of time. That fucking guy who just knows a little bit about everything, but he's still fucking in that fucking one bedroom apartment. You know, that guy is still in that same apartment. He's been there for 13 fucking years and there's not a subject on the planet that you could fucking bring up yet that cunt has not got his bag of gold. Why is that? I'll tell you why. If you're the kind of fucking person that no one wants to drive across town within a fucking car, do you think somebody wants to spend eight hours a day in a boardroom with you? They don't. They're going to bury you in that sea of cubicles. Right. They're going to use you as a litmus test to see who the fuck is tough enough to get to the next level. I'll tell you, I think that Susie Q down there has got the stuff for maybe a corner office. I know what we'll do. We'll stick them right next to Bert who fucking knows something about everything, right, but can't even clean the sleep out of his fucking eye. Have him sticking his head over a cubicle every day with his stale, not quite bad, but not quite fresh breath. Listening to her conversations on the phone, you know.

Mandy, what are you doing this weekend? Let's get brunch. I'm dying to go to Lisby's. They have the best French toast. Then he pops his fucking head over the wall. Actually, it's French toast was not created in France. Little known fact. If she could fucking handle that, she gets the corner office day after fucking day. It's literally, it's gotten to the point she can't have an orgasm because she just keeps hearing his fucking voice in her head. You know, her boyfriend thinks she's fucking around on him. Her whole fucking life is falling apart, but she's this new age woman, right? She's willed herself not to have a period. She's going for that fucking corner office. You know something if you said that right now, go, what the fuck is this guy talking about? I'm not talking about anything. I have a moral obligation to talk for a half an hour every fucking Thursday. God damn it. I'm only 20 minutes in. I was woken up before I wanted to wake up. And, you know, I'm a little grumpy. By the way, my new fucking Bible. My new fucking religion is Mario Batali's cookbook. I made the chicken. Hunter's style, which I had never heard of. It was absolutely fucking delicious. And I messed it up a little bit too. And it was still fucking delicious.

Could use a little more salt. And I had my heat on a little bit high, but I took the chicken off early and I didn't overcook it. Thank God. Because the lovely Nia came in. She goes, I think it's done. I go, you think it's done? She goes, yeah. She goes, cut into it. I go, I hate cutting into it. I don't want to cut into it because if it's not done, then I'm letting all the fucking juices out or dries out. She goes, I think it's done. I said, all right, I could have browned it a little more, get a little more of a golden color. But other than that, it was fucking delicious. What's in it you want to add? You might have not have asked. You know, let me hit pause. I'll read it for you. Hang on. All right, I'm back. Okay. Chicken Hunter's style. All right, he says chicken catch a Tory seem to be a subset for every mediocre chicken dish ever served to me at a restaurant at a restaurant in the 70s and 80s. I love these talking shit right out of the right out of the gate saying everybody else is fucked up this dish, but I'm not anything with the mushroom or an onion in it qualified for the title.

In my world, chicken catch a Tory is a simple braise that depends on a lot of quality, a lot on the quality of the bird itself, but blah, blah, blah, blah. So, clear, you've got to stop staring at me. It's going to happen. We're going to go to the place you want to go to. All right, you already did number one, you already did number two, and I gave you a big can of food with that extra shit you liked on top. All right, I have a podcast to do. I have an obligation. Don't yawn in the middle of this. Where would you be without me? Where would you be without humans? You know what you'd be? You'd still be a wolf, right? And right now you'd be eyeballing me. Is that thing weak? Can I go for its throat? Clear. In a different set of circumstances, you'd fucking eat me. Do you realize that? Huh? I never met a dog. All right, all right, all right. I never met a dog that just fucking, you're not a fucking little chihuahua. What are you doing? Are you, are you claiming me? Is that what the dog whisperer says you're doing? Get down off the couch. Don't lean into me.

I'm gonna relax. God damn it, I fucking love that dog. Anyways, clear. Yeah, so I made it this week. Came out fucking great. The name of Mario Batali's book, which I highly fucking recommend, is Molto Italiano. 327 simple Italian recipes to cook at home. And let me tell you something right now. Don't let the word simple fool you. All right? He keeps fucking, I gotta learn how to do this. What is this fucking thing he keeps saying? What's that thing where you put the fucking meat in water? Like overnight begins with a B. I forget what the fuck it is. He keeps bringing that shit up. It's driving me nuts because I can't figure out what the f- Hang on a second. Hang on a second. I'll find it here. Cleo, stop looking at me like that. I love how you, because you can't talk. You just think you're just gonna stare at me. Where is it? Where is it? Oh, for fuck's sakes. Whatever. You guys know what I'm talking about. You fucking, it's in an old school way of like the ways to try to preserve the meat.

But then people found out that it actually added flavor to it. And he keeps sending me like page 376 to learn how to fucking do this shit. Brining. Brining was originally used as a means of preserving meats and other foods. Since the advent of refrigeration, such preserving techniques have become unnecessary. But brining has become popular again as a means of increasing the succulents of meat or bird cuts that lack fat or great flavor. So I gotta learn how to fucking do that. Isn't that great, Cleo? Like I didn't have enough on my plate. Speaking of which, you know what exciting thing I'm gonna go do today? I'm gonna get my luggage repaired. I got this fucking pigeon-toed wheel that's been fucking the bane of my existence as I go through every fucking airport in this country. I can only carry the luggage on the right side. If I'm on the left side and that thing is, that fucked up wheel is leading the charge, it's over. It's gonna affect my mood and I'm gonna be rude to people and I'm finally gonna get it fixed before I start another year out on the road.

Oh, by the way, the Patrisso Neil event is coming up. The benefit is coming up in Jesus Christ in a couple of weeks. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? It's gonna be on January the 26th. Now, I'm getting into town before then. Wouldn't it be nice if all freckles maybe did a couple of warm updates in the tri-state area? Look for an announcement on those shows in the next week or so. And I'll be working with an old friend of mine, Aldell Benny, who I started off with a long time ago and he's coming in all the way from Australia. We all started out together with the late great Patrisso Neil and last year when I was working Sydney, Australia, I reconnected with him and we were telling all these hilarious stories about Patrisse and how much we missed him. And he said, man, I would love to come back. I go, you fly all the way in from Sydney, Australia and he goes in a fucking heartbeat. That's what Patrisse meant to all of us. So he came all the way back and we're going to be doing some shows together to help him pay for his trip. And then we're going to do the benefit on Tuesday night. Should be a great time.

Which is one of the good things that's actually come out of this tragedy, this fucking awfulness, is that we all get to get together once a year and do a good thing. So before it gets sad, I'm going to move on. Where do we go here? Yeah. So I've watched like three fucking Celtic games in a row and I'm already watching the Bruins games. It's like, I feel like I'm still living in Boston right now. It's kind of nice. You know, the games come on at like four, four, 30 out here. I tape them. I start watching them at like six. I can get the game done in about 90 minutes. I can still go out and do my spots. It's great. So I actually know some of the Celtics names now. We got a guy, Isaiah Thomas, no relation, point guard, J Crowder, I like. What the fuck's the other guy's name? Uh, whenever I look at his name, I can't, I can't fucking pronounce it. Kelly. Oh, Nenek. Whatever the fuck. I can never fucking remember how to say his goddamn name. I don't know.

I don't know. Evidently, uh, Tommy Hindson thinks he's one of the best big men passing in the game. Kelly Olinik. There you go. Had to like walk away from it. So we lost to Brooklyn. We beat Brooklyn. And then last night we fucking had the game, the whole fucking game and playing the pistons and they just kept chipping away at it. I mean, I don't know shit about the Celtics other than they score like 30 or 37 in the first quarter every night. And then, you know, you're like, I literally texted Verzi. I'm like, the Celtics will lighten it up, you know, shooting some high percentage in the next quarter. They just shit the bed. They always say that about basketball. It's a game of runs. It's a game of runs. Oh yeah, be sure it isn't fixed. They're not shaving points to keep the fucking crowd interested because if you blow them out in the first quarter, then people are just going to turn the channel. I don't know. So whatever.

And this fucking kid, Reggie Jackson. No relation. It's how old are you? These fucking kids are coming around. They got the same names of the greats that I watched when I was a kid. Uh, Reggie Jackson. Jesus Christ. Kids got ice water in his veins. At least he did that game. I don't know anything about him, but you know what's killing me is the pistons. They're back. They got Mcfilthy and McNasty again, except it's the white version. They had this fucking bearded white dude going out there, right? This guy used up five fouls in about six minutes and they kept him in for the whole fucking game. He never fouled out. They had him and then they got this other big white dude who looks like the fucking one of the bad guys.

Oh, there he is. Erson, Ily Sova. Dude, if you tell me that guy doesn't look like that guy from the James Bond movie, Metal Mouth, they had the metal in his mouth. Very, uh, very clever name. Um, you had him and, uh, who's the other guy? Aaron Bains, white Mcfilthy and white McNasty. Now for people who didn't watch the Celtics, Piston's rivalry and don't know that reference, that was, uh, Bill Lambeer, who I guess was a white guy. I guess now it's all white Mcfilthy, McNasty. Um, Bill Lambeer and, uh, the other guy, I actually liked Rick Mahorn. Is that right, Mick Mahorn? That's right. And, uh, what's his, they were fucking, you know, Mahorn was just a tough motherfucker.

Bill Lambeer was a piece of shit. That guy was a piece of shit, but I gotta give it up to that guy. At the top of the key, he fucking hit that shot every goddamn time. But other than that, he was just a piece of shit. And I remember watching the 30 for 30 on the bad boys in Detroit and he goes, you know, we used to try to play a mind game. He act like he was out there playing chess. It's just like Bill, you were taking guys' knees out. He was throwing elbows to the head. That's not a head game. That's just punching somebody in the face when they're looking up, trying to get a rebound. It's not a head game. You're not that deep.

Um, two favorite things was when Larry Bird punched him in the fucking face. That's Lambeer where he's at the biggest whiny look on his face. He was like a giant Danny age. And when, uh, chief Robert Parrish just gave him like, he gave him like a, he punched him with like his forearms. Gave him like this overhand, like, uh, he was like, uh, when the UFC guys do like the fucking grounded pound, except it was the inside of his forearm. And he was standing behind them. It was so fucking great that he was on the ground covering up like a little girl and he was such a piece of shit. The refs didn't see it. They knew what happened, but they didn't call anything.

It was fucking tremendous, but whatever. Anyways, they got these two guys now. Um, uh, Aaron Baines and Erson Ilyasova, whatever the fuck their names are, uh, just, I don't know. It was more about the Baines guy. I'm judging these guys on one fucking. I'm sure they're good players, but I'm judging them on one fucking night. But, uh, what's his, but I don't know. I thought, I thought that dude Reggie Jackson looked fucking great. Um, and then on the other nights I'm watching the fucking Bruins.

It's great even though we fucking can't get a run going. Lost to the capitals again. Fucking cunts. Um, whatever, I'm going to keep watching because I'm a true fan. Clear. Relax. I'm almost done here. How much time I got left? Oh, 32 minutes.

32 minutes. All right. So that's, uh, that's about it. I did my contractually obligated fucking blabbering. By the way, it's actually been raining out here in LA, which has been tremendous. Um, God knows what we need. It's like the first sustained. We like two days of like where it rained for like half the day, like pouring, which is tremendous.

And they always give, you know, LA people shit because they freak out when it rains. It's like, well, we live in a desert. And then secondly, people just go, I don't drive. It's just, it's fucking rain. Well, what happens is, is when it doesn't rain for a long time, what happens is on the roads, all the fucking shit from the cars, you know, oil, antifreeze, transmission fluid, brake fluid, all that shit that leaks, it just builds up on the ground. And then when the water lands, it becomes like this soup.

So I'm not saying it's like snow, but it's a little worse than East coast because I used to flip out when I was out here, like these fucking people. They're acting like it's a blizzard out here. It's just rain. Just fucking go. But, uh, it is a little bit. Yeah, it's a little bit of both. They drive like pussies out here and the rain is a little more slippery. Uh, Jesus Christ.

I'm the worst. Um, all right, that's it. That's the podcast for this fucking on the Thursday afternoon podcast. I just checked in on you. I just hope just checking in to see how your week's going. I hope it's going good. I hope you know what? I hope you have a wonderful dog in your life like I do right now.

That's just sitting staring at me because it has an inability to talk. So what it does is it walks over and it sits down like a foot away from me when it isn't itching itself and it just stares at me. Cleo. You want to go outside? Get off. Huh? Cleo. Let's see if I can get a talk.

Cleo. Do you. Cleo. Cleo. What do you got? Mike Frank? Come on. Get out.

Get out. Get out. You're going to do it here. Sit. He just fell on her face. Cleo, get off. What are you doing? You just fucked with my, my mixer.

All right. She won't do it. Try one last time. Cleo. Oh, she just into luncheon today. All right. That's it. I got, I got, I got to take this fucking thing out.

I'll talk to you guys later. I'll talk to them later. Enjoy the, the flashback, the back of the day podcast. Shit. Fuck with the volume. That's it. Kevin, nice weekend. Fuck you.

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Today, you can try Zip recruiter for free. Go to Zip recruiter.com slash burr. That's Zip recruiter.com slash burr. One more time. Zip recruiter.com slash burr. All right. Listen, the throwback stories this year this week for Thursday are going to be classic Rose Bowl stories.

Jay Lawhead, the one about him with Bartnick being a teddy bear and all that shit. Hope you enjoy him and I'll talk to you on Monday. Have a nice weekend, you cunts. All right. Well, I went to another Rose Bowl everybody. I think I'm just now starting to recover. First of all, what a fucking game. I just like the Rose Bowls are already unbelievable, but to add that whole playoff fucking atmosphere

to it was just insane. And this year, me and all the guys, we got over there. We were so fucking organized this year. We had, we had fucking everything. Food, booze, other stuff. Jason Lawhead put on a display of tailgate cooking that it was, he had a career year. That's what we were saying. He had a breakout.

It was just fucking on. That was the best breakfast sandwich I ever had. Then he made these ribs that were unbelievable. Then we went to the game and at the end of the game, it was freezing out by then and we were smart. That's how smart we were. We brought a quart of wood and one of the grills we turned into just like a fire pit. And everybody else who was waiting for the traffic, all these people coming and gathering around our little fire going, you guys are smart.

Oh, this is really smart. What I left out is we brought everything except fire. We forgot to bring a lighter. They were bringing the grills and they were bringing the charcoal. So I assumed that they were going to bring the fucking lighter and I brought the ladder every year. So I guess that one was on me. I don't know what. But other than that, it was another amazing time and it was fucking hilarious.

We basically, we get into the game, got in on time because it's a fucking playoff game, right? And there was so many people getting tickets that I couldn't get four together. I got two and two. So we were like a couple rows, two, three rows in front of Bartnick and Lawhead. And we're sitting there, you know, and I'm pretty, I'm not as bad as I was last year, but I was fucking, I was feeling no playing. All right. I was definitely more than dehydrated at that point. And all of a sudden I see security walking out with Jason Lawhead and there's no Joe Bartnick and Jay is looking at him over at me with his hands like up like what the fuck.

And he's yelling at me and I'm going, Jay, Jay, where they take it? And I'm in like, I'm in the middle of this fucking row. There's like 30 people on one side, 30 on the other, this old school stadium, right? Total fucking fire hazard, right? I'm like, Jay, where you going, Jay? And he's fucking yelling at me. I can't hear. And that you're whisking them out so fast is nothing I could do other than I just keep going.

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, where they taking you? He's looking at me like, what the fuck? Turns out, I don't know, Bartnick was outside. He was in the stadium, but outside the stands, I guess he had sat down or something and nodded off. And when he came to, there was like fucking 20 cops surrounding him because he's such a big guy. I thought they were like, they were like, what if this guy starts swinging with foot and they went down there and they told, I guess they looked at his ticket. They went up to get Jason. That's what they did.

And they said he's been over-served, which is the understatement for all of us for 2015. And law had to his credit. The only thing he did better than cooking was talk his way out of that. He just kept going, come on, look at the guy. He's a teddy bear. He's not hurting anybody. He's going to go up there and sit down. He just kept saying he's a teddy bear.

And Joe was just looking, hey, I'm a teddy bear. Next thing you know, they fucking let him in. Fucking law had the politician gets him to his seat. He sits in his seat and then promptly fucking passes out and some lady behind the law head goes, hey, you're going to have to get him out of here. And Jay just looked at him and said, hey, come on. He's not hurting anybody. He's a teddy bear. And she fucking jawed back at him.

And Jay was just like, listen, if tell you what, if you will just watch the game, you're not even going to see him. Okay. I mean, I can't wake him up if you want me to. I'll wake him up. I don't think you're going to like it, but I can't wake him up. And people just started laughing and it was over. And we had a wonderful time. I'm seeing two of the top college football programs play each other.

So hell of a game through two and a half quarters. And then Oregon, I got to give a shout out to the Ducks just for shutting up the FSU band. And I didn't have to hear that fucking Tomahawk chop again. And I do, I fucking called it that band knows three songs. They know the school song, they play something else and then everything else is the whole fucking game. And it was, I mean, I don't know, I would like to see a little bit of a closer game, but I really enjoyed the fact that they shut that band up. Nothing against FSU. I actually really liked the Seminoles and I've always loved that program, but somewhere along the line that Tomahawk chopped just fucking.

It would be like if at the Red Sox, like, you know, awful it is when they sing sweet Caroline, just imagine if they did that between every fucking inning. I mean, you'd want to kill yourself, right? If you were any sort of a human being, and that includes being a Red Sox fan, because I want to jump off the fucking monster when I hear that fucking song just once. And you're looking around and fucking women putting their head on the fucking guy's shoulder. It's just like, ah, I don't know. Well, maybe I don't know. Maybe I should be a little more positive about this shit like that. I have no idea.

The Rose Bowl, everybody. Oh, dude, I'll tell you right now, if you're going to pick a beer to start the day with, I'm telling you Miller High Life. And you got to get it in the bottle. Oh my God, the sun's just coming up. We got at that 7.04 in the fucking morning. It was freezing cold out. There was a frost on the fairways. I'm telling you guys, you got to fucking do this.

Okay. You don't got to go to the Rose Bowl. Fucking pick something that you and all your dumb guy friends do are you and all your dumb fucking women friends. Just you got to have that one thing you do every year. You got to have that. I don't give a fuck what kind of responsibility you got out. You got to have that one fucking thing. So anyways, we got to the frost was on the fucking fairways.

I actually said this year when I got out, I said, Hey, guys, guys, guys, go take this in right here. This is the best part of the tailgate. It's the beginning. And this time tomorrow, you're going to wish that this fucking moment. Actually, no, because you'll be too hung over three days later. When you get all the poison out of your system, you're going to be fucking longing for that feeling. Dude, we get out of that truck ear to ear fucking grins. And then Bartnick's got this thing that he yells out to everybody to the entire parking lot.

I don't want to say what it is because he yells it so fucking loud and so far nobody's ever found our fucking tailgate, which has been great because we make a spectacle of ourselves. You got to do it. So anyways, the Rose Bowl. Let's let's read this thing here. Dear Billy football. Love the podcast. You knew special was nothing short of amazing. Thank you very much.

And thank you everybody who's been watching it, rewatching it and telling other people to watch my new special. You people are all the same. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry you feel that way. Oh, Jesus, Bill. I really appreciate it because this one has been getting the best response. And you know, that makes me look good with the people I'm in business with over there at Netflix.

So you guys did me a solid. I really appreciate it. All right. Anyways, anyways, here we go. Anyway, I had a question about your Rose Bowl outing last weekend. The game itself was great. From that opening Oregon drive. When Marietta, I hope that's how you say his name.

I didn't. It's two Heisman trophy winners. I didn't even know their fucking names. I was so busy this year. I don't know. I was so hammered. I even had a fucking program. I had no idea.

Marietta pitched it to the guy who somersaulted to the one yard line and later completed the two point conversion. Oh, that was great in the beginning to famous James flopping around fumbling for an Oregon touchdown late in the third. It was just a great game. And I was thoroughly jealous you were there. You're obviously an Oregon Ducks fan. My question is, can you share with us a couple of your favorite moments from this year's Rose Bowl? I kind of did that, but there's probably some more. I'm sure you had you in the goon squad.

You roll around with gone in some funny situations of conflicts. P.S. I saw a lawhead in Bartnick in Boston for the all things comedy tour. They were great guys and had the pleasure of sitting with Bartnick at the bar while Jay crushed it on stage. Cool dudes. I would love to drink and smoke stoves with you all sometime. Happy New Year and go fuck yourself. You apron wearing cunt. That was a good one.

You bastard. I think I've already told the stories. Yeah, throwing the football or the food. I mean, I don't know. I was pretty sober, but I was kind of a consistent level like blacked out. I don't know what it was at this year. Just a whole fucking thing. You know, as cool as watching a father with his two sons and he was playing automatic QB and teaching his kid the cornerback to get inside, you know, inside the receiver and watching the big brother older brother fucking rivalry reminded me when I was a kid.

I sat there smiling drinking a beer probably looked like a pedophile, but I was actually thinking nothing but clean stuff. Everybody looks like a pedophile now. I don't know. I gotta be honest with you. The whole fucking days of goddamn blur. I remember most of the game. I did. I passed out a little bit in the first quarter for about a minute and a half football time.

And then the second quarter for about a minute and a half. But other than that, you know, I crushed waters for the rest of the fucking game. I didn't have any beers afterwards because I had to drive. And that's by then, you know, we stayed there till like 839 o'clock at night. So by then I haven't drank in like eight hours. So I'm actually so sober. I'm hungover at that point. I went to the Rose Bowl this year and I did not drink.

I did not drink. And I know there's a lot of you who are disappointed that I didn't drink because you want me to fill up your life with the hilarious story of me making an ass of myself once again to kick off a new year. Well, goddamn it, I didn't. But I stood around and I watched enough other people fucking do it. And I still have plenty of stories. And I got the brain cells to remember them.

It's a fucking awesome game. It was Wisconsin versus TCU. And I was like most people like who the fuck is TCU? And then you look in the program. Let me go grab the Rose Bowl program. Hang on one second. You guys just sit tight. Just relax as I walk across the room.

Try to find the Rose Bowl program. Oh, here it is. Look at this. I found it. I really need to get an assistant on this podcast. All right, I'm back. This is the Rose Bowl program. And basically the Rose Bowl this year, if you were going to turn it into an awful,

you're going to turn it into an awful made for TV movie. This was a, I guess it was a story about respect. All right, in that, you know, people barely respect Wisconsin because they never go to the Rose Bowl. I can't remember the last time they won the Big Ten Championship, but they finally won it. They won it and they beat the likes of, let's see who they beat. All right, let's go through their whole fucking season here really quickly. Stop rolling your eyes, you fucking commie non-sports fan cunt. All right, start off the year.

They beat UNLV. These are the cupcake games early in the year. Then they beat San Jose State, Arizona State. There's a Pac-10 team, Austin P. Is that somebody's name? Did they play like one guy? Then they beat Michigan State. Then they beat Minnesota.

They beat Ohio State, right? Big Ten, Iowa, Purdue. You've heard of these teams, Indiana, Michigan. One of those teams they actually lost to, but I went by too quickly. Northwestern, you know, they've played some fucking teams. TCU, on the other hand, didn't play shit. So in case you're down there outside of Dallas, Texas, Texas Christian, oh jeez, university, and you're wondering why no one gives a fuck about the Mountain West program.

I want you to write me and tell me just exactly. Okay, Oregon State, that's Pac-10. That's Tennessee Tech. This is their undefeated season. They beat Oregon State, Tennessee Tech, Baylor, SMU, Colorado State, Wyoming, BYU, Air Force, UNLV, Utah, San Diego State, New Mexico. That was their undefeated season. And they're sitting there scratching the top of their fucking heads,

wondering why people are questioning their record. All right? So here's the deal. I'm sitting there going, all right, I like this. Big Ten, even though the Big Ten isn't what it used to be, considering they went, oh, in five on fucking New Year's Day, who doesn't like an underdog? So I'm going, well, fuck it, man. I'm going to roof a TCU, even though they have Christian, oh jeez, in the middle of their fucking name,

which you know what that means. They automatically think they're better than everybody else, and Jesus loves us best, despite the fact that they're preaching that everybody needs to be more understanding like Jesus. Somehow they miss the irony of the fact that they feel like they're the chosen ones, like all stupid fucking religions do, right? Jewish people think they're the chosen ones. Christians think they're the chosen ones. Muslim thinks that, you know what, you guys are all a bunch of douchebags.

All right? None of you matter. That's why there's so many of us. If we were special, there'd only be like nine of us. Once there's seven billion of anything, I mean, we're not special anymore. Okay? Do you understand that? We're like socks.

You know, actually some poor people can afford socks. So socks are still important to some people, you know? I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. So TCU, they got a fucking bee and they're bonnet about how nobody's respecting them. So I'm sitting there. This is before I talked to anybody from TCU. I just saw, all right, you know, purple and black, those are decent colors, man. I like those.

Wisconsin, I'm looking at all these fatties from Wisconsin, you know? Walking around just horrible, horrible shape. I think when, you know, when Europeans look at America and they think of the fat fucks, you know, I think, I don't know, I think they send away for a Wisconsin university brochure every year. I don't know what, because Jesus Christ, those were some healthy fucking people. All right? Evidently, the recession has not hit Wisconsin yet because those people have plenty of money

for extra food. So anyway, so I'm sitting there and we start to walk into the game, right? Me and three of my buddies were all going, I don't name names on this fucking thing. We go to walk into this goddamn thing and I start looking around. After a wonderful tailgate, we really did it up this year. Plenty of booze, which I did not partake in. I brought a 12 pack of water. Go ahead, email me.

Call me a fag. I don't give a fuck. I feel great. You fucking cunts. Look, I'm still defensive about it. You know, at least I'm one of those, those, those. I'm not a preachy sober person. I'm not going like, you know, why do you do that?

What do you, what are you running from? I know why you're doing it because it's fucking fun and I'd still be doing it if my head didn't get three times the size of its usual enormous size. You know, my head when I'm not boozing looks like one of the moons of Jupiter. Okay. I don't. I don't need to continue adding to it, you know, and then have it be like Pluto and then scientists can fucking debate on whether or not it's a fucking planet.

All right. Fucking fucking fucking. There you go. See, I needed the help there. The F word for me is, is my, my, uh, uh, what are those things? The HGH of my fucking comedy. All right. And I will continue to use it and I don't give a shit because they're not banned in my

industry. Um, anyways, so what was I saying? Okay. So we had a great tailgate. We show up, came in the back way this, this, this year. All right. We parked right along the fence. We were right near the clubhouse on the golf course and then you can, I could literally

see one of the lights, you know, that lights up the stadium. So we were right there. There was no way we were getting lost this year. Actually brought a frying pan, brought some eggs. We had burgers, hot dogs, steak. We had shit to throw in the omelets, cheese, everything you want. We had a spatula. We brought tongs.

We had napkins. We had a fucking garbage bag. We had a grill, bag of charcoal, four bags of fucking ice or cool. We had everything. We had fucking corn chips. We had salsa. We had two bottles of mustard, whole jar of fucking pickles, ketchup. We had everything.

We had, we had, we had real forks and steak knives for the stakes. We had everything except for a fucking table. God next year is going to be the per every year. Two bottles of crown royal, a case of fucking beer. We were ready to go. We even had orange juice for the fucking eggs. We were ready to go and we forgot a goddamn table. It's one of the ways we start the day off with one of the best fucking omelets you're ever going to have.

New Year's Day, sitting on a golf course on a sunny day, knowing the rest of the goddamn country snowed in, screaming at some ticket agent that they got to get back to Albuquerque before they yak. You know, shits the bed, right? We forgot a goddamn table, which isn't bad when you're eating an omelet, but when you're eating a fucking steak that's an inch and a half thick, that's been cooked at best rare. It's supposed to be medium rare. Okay. It was, it was just medium rare.

What happens is you got it on a paper plate and as you use pressure to cut into that, it creases in the middle and you see this puddle of, of, of grease. It just starts coming. It comes close to your balls and then goes away, just like the tide coming in and you're sitting there going, you know, I really should just drip the rest of this grease down into the grass, kill a couple of ladybugs and then continue on with the eating process, but it tastes so fucking good. You go, you know what, I think I can do it one more time.

And then you do it and what happens? It fucking rolls right off onto your jeans and you haven't noticed, I don't give a fuck. What you spill, where you spill it, you could have your arms outstretched. If you spill any sort of liquid, it not only does it land in your crotch, it lands right at the head of your dick. So it always looks like you pissed your pants. So that's what I look like. I had grease on the front of my pants.

I meanwhile, I'm sitting here watching all these Wisconsin fans walking around and they got these candy striped fucking overalls. They look like Richard Simmons shorts. If you fucking mugged them and cleaned out his closet of early 80s fucking gay ass running shorts ever and you somehow turned them into overalls, you know, it'd be one thing if women were wearing them, that'd be kind of hot, right? But there was a bunch of guys wearing them too. They all look like, they look like, they look like a juggler's convention.

It's the best way to put it. So I'm sitting there going, man, I like the big 10. I want a roof for Wisconsin. Then every once in a while, because it seemed to be like 80%, 75%, maybe 70 at the smallest Wisconsin fans and then TCU. So, you know, who doesn't like an underdog? So I start walking towards the stadium, right? And I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to go for TCU.

Fuck this. I hope this little mountain west, whatever the fucking, I don't even know what conference they're from. Huh? I hope these guys win. And I start going up to the stadium and one of my buddies, Elbow's mean, he turned around the points to these TCU fans and this guy is wearing brown loafers. These light purple, uh, like corduroy dockers with the TCU emblem and then like a v-neck sweater. And like these Ray Bond fucking risky business sunglasses on and he,

I like, if you, if you were casting a movie, do you guys see Facebook that Facebook social network? Do you know how like the Harvard guys were? This is what this guy looked like. And I was like, oh my, are you serious? Is this guy an anomaly? Or is this really what TCU was all about? And my buddy literally goes to me. He goes, that's it.

I'm rooting for Wisconsin. You know, I look at this fucking guy and I, and I was sitting there going, you know what? I think he's right. No, no, no, maybe it's just this one fucking guy. And then I see another guy. He has on a purple fucking blazer with gold buttons. A white shirt, some pleated slugs and loafers to the game. And all of a sudden I started looking at these, it's not all of them,

but a good 15% of them are dressed this way. Looking like those rich kids who fucking, you know, uh, air quote, accidentally kill their date, you know. And then they say it was consensual because she wanted rough sex too. And that daddy has enough fucking money to get him out of it. That's what they started looking like. So I'm like, holy shit. Fuck this.

I'm, I'm rooting for Wisconsin. Now we're in the crush to get in the game. And I look in front of me and there's this pasty fat fuck Wisconsin fan in front of me with the Wisconsin hat turned around. And I don't know if it was dry skin or eczema. He had a perfect band of it going around the back of his, you know, his hairline at the back of his head and the flakes of it were on the back of his sweatshirt. I know, I hope you're not eating.

Okay. So I'm looking at him going, Oh, horrified. Absolutely horrified. And then I'm turning around. I'm looking at these fucking slack and sport coat wearing douchebags. And at that point, I didn't know who I was for. I was actually hoping that during the flyover, one of the jets would go into the crowd and they could just start all over again.

It was, it was horrific. Worst group of fans I've seen in, in three years. Granted, I was sober this time and I could actually remember this. So I go into the stadium, right? And low and behold, I'm in the TCU section, right? And I'm like, okay, I don't know if I like this. And I just, and I'll signage here, start here. TCU.

This girl like three rows back. TCU. Come on frogs. Come on frogs. And I go frogs. They had the fucking, I didn't know what they were. You gotta give it to Wisconsin Badger is a badass fucking animal. TCU horn frogs.

Okay. And, and their mascot look, I don't, it looks like something out of like the, that Star Wars bar scene, you know. And again, it's go frog. Come on TCU. TCU. And I'm looking at the girls and they, they, they have their jeans tucked into their cowboy boots.

Like they're in that band, great white, you know, and then on top they have like these dime store Dolly Parton cowboy hats on. And I was like, oh my God, I fucking hate these people. And at that point, I was sitting right in the middle of them. And I immediately just became a Wisconsin fan. Now in defense of TCU, I think if I was hanging in the Wisconsin section, I would root, I would have rooted for TCU. I would have rooted for TCU.

You know, in the middle of me just screaming that TCU, come on frogs. I can't tell if Nia just laughed or the guy downstairs yelled at me. Oh, that's a dog. Okay. My fault. Or it's Mel blank. Um, could anybody imitate a dog barking better than that guy? Um, anyways, let's plow ahead here.

Uh, so then I just sat there and, uh, just was rooting for Wisconsin. And I just wanted and I just another thing too, that's really fucking annoying about TCU fans. Okay. Is no matter what's going on during the game, they have a reason to fucking put their hands in the air so you can't see the fucking game. Anytime it was third down, they had this gay little thing where, you know, you make the I'm okay sign.

They would do that signifying third down. And then they would just sort of shake their hands like, you just in case you don't know what down and everybody. So it's like third down and anybody who watches football knows third down is a really important fucking down as a fan who played have paid a fuckload for the ticket. You want to see what happened and these fucking idiots are so busy going to the loo. You couldn't see anything. Then not to mention this fat whore in front of me who from the size of her should have

been a Wisconsin fan. But then again, I've been to Houston, Texas. Okay. Those people like their barbecue too. These are the people that really make America look bad. It's the fucking middle of the country. You goddamn people. I don't know what your problem is.

It's because you're landlocked. Don't they have swimming pools where you people could do a couple of laps. People on the coast are in shape. All right. Seattle all the way down to San Diego. These motherfuckers are in shape. Go ahead. Yeah.

San Diego. Go right up the coast. Los Angeles, San Francisco or Portland, Oregon. They're in shape. Seattle. They're in shape. Vancouver. I even leave the country and they're fucking in shape.

You start getting out there in Nebraska, Iowa, Wisconsin. Fucking people are horrific other than Florida. Florida. It doesn't count. All right. Florida is, I don't know what it is. It's like the ball bag. Everybody says it looks like a dick to me.

It looks like a fucking 56 year old scrotum. Just hanging there after the dick got lopped off. Anyways, so they handed out the like, like them doing that third down thing. Wasn't enough. They handed out these fucking little purple like rags. Okay. First of all, stealing from the Pittsburgh Steelers. That's the terrible towel.

They steal that. And then on them, it said, fear the frog, which they stole from Maryland. Fear the turtle. Right. The first school to actually admit that they have a bad name, a bad mascot fucking name. So then what they would just fucking fat whore in front of me. I swear to God, every goddamn play. Okay.

Her fucking team would be. We had end zone seats where it was in the other end zone at Wisconsin's 10 yard line, trying to drive in for a score. Okay. They're, they're 90 yards away. If you're standing on the goal line, forget about being 40, 50 fucking rows up in the goddamn stand and she would be sitting there as she's talking to a friend too. That's what killed me.

Classic brought it again. She's sitting there shooting the shit, you know, she probably went there for the tournament of fucking roses and she just kept it. And I finally, I tapped her on her fleshy shoulder and she immediately took it as I was saying, put it down. I said, can you just wave it? Can you wave it more in your, like in front of you, which this is the funniest thing ever. She does.

And immediately realizes that when she does it, she can't see the fucking game. Welcome to my world, you fat whore. That's what I've been dealing with for the last three fucking quarters. So then what she did was she then switched it into her left hand. Okay. Because not only is she a fat whore, she's a dumb fat whore. Okay. And the first moment when I tapped her, she was like, oh, this guy must be a Wisconsin fan.

You know, because he's telling me to put it down. Then she realizes, oh, it's in his way. Then she waves it in front of her face and realizes, oh, now I can't see. And you would think at that point light would dawn on our fucking fat head. And she'd be like, oh, I get it. If I wave this thing, people behind me can't see the fucking game. Not this fat whore. Not this one.

She fucking puts it in the left hand and starts waving like that. Like that's the solution. Like she doesn't notice that there's another fucking 80,000 fans to her fucking left. It was the worst. And it's times like those where I just, uh, times like those were made for Taster's choice. Remember that coffee just brew up a nice hot pot and you just dump it right over her fucking head. That's what I would have liked in a perfect world. And as she screamed from these scalding burns, um, she would collapse afterwards or maybe pass out.

Either way, she would be out of my way. And I got to tell you that would be the equivalent of three normal Americans who live on the coasts who live near the ocean. Hey, you know what? I just realized that's how I'm going to make my million dollars, my multimillion dollars so I can parachute out of this goddamn business. I've been trying to come up with, um, some bullshit that I could sell for 1995 late at night. I think I just did, you know, I'm going to sell, I'm going to sell, uh, ocean water and little salt shakers for 1995. That's what I'm going to do. And I'm just going to go, you know, have you ever noticed how, you know, people who live on the coasts of this country are in shape?

You know, and I just show a bunch of good looking people running down the street with their knees nice and high, like the Wisconsin fucking marching band, which was the shit. Um, just running down the fucking street, you know, high stepping it. And then, uh, the white version of high stepping, which is basically bring our knees up to our waist as opposed to the grambling black version where you basically, you know, you couldn't do it in a dome stadium because you would break your fucking toes. Whatever black people were trying. We're trying. Anyways, so, uh, yeah, I would, I would sell that and I would just say, and then you get, you know, are you tired of being fat in the middle of the country and just so somebody has sent a bun taking a bite out of it and then just looking at the camera like, you know, throwing their arms up like, yeah, I am sick of being a fat fuck, you know, you know, they have Cinnabuns on the east coast wired on the west coast. Why are they fat fucks? It's good. And I'll just, I just spin it. It's because they live near the ocean and they're smelling that salt water in the air. And I just make up a bunch of shit. I'll pay off some fucking people in the FDA.

It doesn't seem like a hard thing to do considering half the drugs that get approved nowadays. And I'll just say it's because of smelling salt water air that you're able to eat Cinnabun and shed off those fucking pounds. And I'll sell it like little bottles of fucking cologne to every fatty in the fucking Midwest and I'll make my money. And then I'm going to move to Denmark and I'm going to pay 90% taxes yet have free health insurance and, you know, and a little Vespa. I'm going to go around those little fucking little streets out there. I'm trying to put together a Scandinavian tour, by the way, this year. I'm really looking forward to that. So there you go. You know something like you. I also lost interest halfway through that. So that was a Rose Bowl for me this year. I didn't drink. I had a, I had a fucking awesome time. I remembered the game. Congratulations to Tacey. Congratulations to you. Let's go frogs. Congratulations to you. Horribly, horribly dressed human beings just horribly dressed trash, white trash is the only way to describe what I saw out there.

You guys really looked like you never left the greater Dallas area. You know, I'm going to go out on limb here and I'm going to say I'm never going to get an opportunity to perform at that school. And if I ever get an offer, I'm going to be really suspect of it thinking that they actually listen to this podcast. Oh my God, the dime store fucking every the women women all dressed like that. Dolly Parton movie best little whorehouse in Texas, except they were serious. They put on my best hat for this one. I saw a guy actually took a picture of him or did I zoom into him. I have some video. I got to give it to my web guy of this guy. He's in a suit with a big black Stetson looking like fucking JR Ewing stand in, you know, if it was the early 80s, I would he would have looked good, you know, but it's fucking 2011. Dude, it's time to let that go. You're fucking oil man slash coke dealer look from fucking 1981 30 years later, you're still rocking that look like dead serious, dead serious. These are the kind of people that think like there's you can cure homosexuals, you know, and, you know, like when those country singers like need a hit, so they just write a song about how great America is.

And the two and the fans are too dumb to see through the fact that they're just trying to make money. Oh, all of our working days are done, but a tiny few are having all of the fun. Get used to the dust in your lungs. Is there no way down from this peak to solid ground without having a goatee put from our mouths? Make me a drink strong enough to wash away the dishwater world. This head was lemonade. Walk with me after the show. Maybe we can find a way to remind you that the snow, whether they charge, letting go of a plane so large. Oh, all of our working days are done, but a tiny few are having all of the fun. Apologies to the sick and the young. Get used to the dust in your lungs. You