Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-7-21

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

Bill rambles about current affairs, the Broad, and parking lot anxiety.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and just check it in on you. Just check it in to see how you're doing during this crazy week. Oh my God, can you believe what happened? I got to be honest with you. As much as people are always saying like, oh my God, what has happened to the world, I can't believe, this is crazy. Did you watch that today? Isn't that crazy? Can you believe how crazy that was? I'm afraid to look out my window, right? This is like when they just watched the weather channel and they said that something's been upgraded to a tropical storm. Forget about the shit show that happened yesterday. And I have to be honest with you,

as much as I downplay shit, I can't even pretend here. What I saw yesterday, I don't even have words for. Those uniforms that the Miami Heat wore against the Boston Celtics, I have to tell you. I thought that the tube went out of my TV, like I'm old enough to remember when the tube went out, like that's what the fucking picture looked like. I thought I was losing my eyesight. I mean, I'm not trying to divide the country here. I love the Miami Vice Miami Heat logo at the center court. I thought that was cool as shit. I love Miami. I love that city and all of that shit, but they went too far. Something needed to give, okay? If you're going to do the Miami Heat, Miami Vice thing, okay? And this isn't a liberal or a fucking conservative

point here. I'm just trying to be, I'm trying to be like right down the middle here, okay? If you're going to do that and you're going to do the baseline floor, you got to go more muted colors for the team. But when the center court logo and all around the fucking, the painted area into the out of bounds and then you have the uniforms match, it was, that was a lot to look at. And I have to say that as an American during a pandemic, I can't believe how tone deaf the Miami Heat organization is to have them come out in those uniforms that I just think flying in the face, okay, of everybody who's ever fought for this country and eventually played in the NBA. And you know, if I was the president of the Miami

Heat right now, I would be calling everybody in my, my publicist's wing trying to get some sort of apology because I feel as a basketball fan watching the NBA, that NBA game, I feel like I am owed an apology because I was triggered, okay? Oh, and by the way, some jerk offs broke into the, what was it? What is it called? The Capitol building? What I was waiting for was for CNN or Fox News or the Huffington Post or any one of these fucking jerk off phony fucking journalists nowadays people to accept some of their level of responsibility in fanning the flames that led to that. And I just want to say once and lastly, once and for all, if you watch CNN or if you watch Fox News to get your news, you are a fucking jerk off,

all right? You're not watching the news, okay? Even when I was a kid, you really weren't watching the news. You were watching a version of whatever they had censored, who the fuck knows what's going on, but the level that they are taking it to now and how much CNN, Fox News, Huffington Post, all of these fucking people have divided the country, okay? And then all you mouth-breathing morons who go on social media and talk about politics and shit, you are adding fuel to the fire that leads to this bullshit. And if you were on the left and you watched what happened yesterday and you think that that's what somebody on the right is like, that is an example of the average person on the right, you're a fucking moron. The same way if you're on the right and you look at

the left and you see these fucking idiots, some of these loudmouth Hollywood idiots out here and some of this shit that comes out of their mouth that that's what the average liberal thinks, you're also a fucking moron. But that's how the world is. Now, I haven't said that, let's just have some fun with this here. I love, I only saw a couple of clips because I had a Celtics game to watch. And I realized that 99.9% of my fellow Americans weren't at the Capitol building yesterday. So I have no problems with liberals. I have no problems with conservatives. I know sometimes people don't agree. But I don't look at that yesterday like those are, you know, that those, did you see the guy who clearly went to an army

Navy, a surplus store and bought himself a G.I. Joe costume with any kept his civilian backpack that little looking a fat G.I. Joe going in with his dumb ass helmet. And then you got to give it up to the fucking guy there with the, the, the Buffalo Saber fan there, Buffalo Bill fan with the big horns. I mean, that guy's immediately a legend. And I feel like he branded himself for the rest of his life. He gets to be like, I'm the guy who sat where Tip O'Neill used to nod off and Nancy Pelosi and who I don't know anybody else who's been speaker of the fucking house. He sat right there. And I just feel like for the rest of his life, he can go to swap meets and sign autographs, five bucks a whack, and he's going to be good, you know, and, you know,

the way the bankers have this thing run, I'm happy for that guy. Good for him. Other than that, I didn't watch a fucking second of it. And you know, I got my conservative friends right now. No, the footage didn't add up. It was Antifa there. The fucking idiots look like who follow politics. I swear to God, they just like, I just texted them ago, you guys are like sports fans. You know what I mean? Where everybody just like, you see all the fouls, the other teams doing, but you don't see the one that you're doing. It's just fucking, I can't talk to people like that. I really can't. You know what I mean? It's like the same fucking assholes who worship Obama and act like he didn't fucking sit there drone bombing playgrounds and weddings.

I mean, the guy is a war criminal. The same way George W was, they're all fucking war criminals working for bankers and oil companies. That's what the fuck they're doing. All right. There's the same people that are holding Obama's feet to the fire, won't hold Bush's feet to the fire and vice versa. And then that stupid phone conversation comes out and all Trump people like, well, you know, there's context. You got to, we got to hear the whole conversation. And then people in the liberal like, Oh my God, I'm gonna fucking arrest this guy. And literally Obama could have been on the phone saying the exact same fucking thing. And the fucking idiots would flip. And I can't deal with it anymore. So what I do is I just lose

myself in old movies. And I still watch sports and that type of thing. So the latest thing, somebody told me to watch, somebody told me to watch the fuck is it the what the hell was it called? It was another one of these art dealer movies. This thing, you got to see it. It's fucking, it's kind of sad. What's really sad is I can't find the fucking email, not the email, the text message. I just had it. I just had it. Where are you? I give up. I give up with these goddamn fucking phones. Do you guys afraid to like erase text threads with people? You know, so much like you need evidence in case they fucking go nuts.

Later on trying to claim something. Okay, I watched this thing called the price of everything. And it had to do with like the whole art world and how they come up with the prices of things. And there's this one woman who's in it that you just have to see because she sold her on the business side of it. And she talks so passionately about these fucking paintings. And it takes about a third of the movie in before you realize like she's not talking about the painting. She's talking about what it's worth. Because if you really listen to her talking about the paintings, it's so fucking surface and just sort of just saying what she's heard other people say. My favorite thing that she says, she goes, I mean, look at

this here. I mean, this is just a masterpiece. And it was like a little dock sound dog. Look like it was running the way they'd drawn it. She goes, let me look at that dog. I mean, that's the way it's moving. I mean, that's like a masterpiece. And like, I love dogs. I have a dog. Like that's what she said about it. And it's just like, you don't know shit about that painting. You don't know why it's good or why it isn't good. You just know people fucking like it. And it's worth a lot of money. So you're saying it is a fucking masterpiece. But the second people walk away from it, and they're not into that artist anymore, you're going to walk away too. That's kind of what I learned. It was like, I always thought that the

music business was the most fucking brutal. And then just looking at the art world, it's now seeming like, you know, it's even worse. Where I feel like even like in the music world, there are bands that are so legit, that they can stay around. And then you have other like people that go the pop star slash boy band route, where I feel like painters all have to deal with the boy band thing. Like I saw in this, one of the documentaries like Jean-Michel Basquiat, however the fuck you say his name, and Andy Warhol got together and made paintings together. And then they had a showing and they got completely trashed by the critics. They said they're both washed up. And I guess they're both trying to cling to each other now.

That's what they said. And they didn't sell any paintings. And then in the next year, Andy died. And the year after that, Jean-Michel died. And now those paintings that everybody says was shit are now worth like $100 million. So what the fuck? The fuck do you do with that? What in the fuck do you do with that? And they have to exist in that goddamn world. So I don't know, if you're into that type of shit, I will tell you something hilarious. So this person I know that's really into art and stuff like that, which I've never been into. I just never been into it. But I started watching this stuff and it kind of made me like curious about it. So this person tells me says, you know,

here in LA, they have a museum that has the biggest collection of Jean-Michel Basquiat paintings. And the name of the fucking museum is called The Brode, but it's spelled B-R-O-A-D. So I said to my wife, I was like, you know, they got, you know, in this fucking pandemic, if it ever ends, we should go over, you know, they got this greatest collection in the country of Jean-Michel paintings down the street at the Broad. I called it the Broad, because that's how it was written. I thought it meant like Broad, like I was like, wow, that's kind of weird that you call a museum the Broad, you know, but then I thought, well, maybe it means like they have a broad variety of artists. And my wife laughed at me for like fucking 10 minutes,

going, it's not the Broad fucking meathead, it's the Brode. So that just becomes another running joke in our relationship. So someday, you know, I'm going to take her out to lunch, you know, and bring her over to the Broad. And I'll look at a bunch of paintings that I don't understand. But what I do understand is I understand the way those painters are treated, you know, I get that. I'm like, oh, yeah, this is, this is still show business. This is a little harder, hardcore version of this. It's the same old fucking shit. It's really fascinating though. So anyway, plowing ahead, my daughter started school this week. And that was an amazing thing. And it was kind of funny, both me and my wife had different levels of anxiety

about it. Like when we dropped her off at school, she didn't cry. Like some kids were having like meltdowns, I guess, or whatever. And my daughter was totally cool. We're like, all right, see you later, buddy. And she goes in there. And as we drive away, you know, my wife got emotional and everything, I was like, she's going to be fine. You know, and you know, it's just, it's a sad thing because it's, it's, it's the beginning of her going out into the world. You know, those first four years of your kid's life, you know, it's weird as I think when you're on your exhausted day is going to God someday they're going to go to school. So at least I'll get a couple hour break here. But you know, you don't want it to end because they're your little buddy.

And when they go to school, then it just kind of like, oh man, now this is like, you know, she's her world, her world has expanded, like 10 fold, like her whole universe was hanging here at the house with us. So, you know, my wife got like emotional and stuff like that, right? So we're going to go pick her up. And it was really a big deal for me that we were there before the kids got let out. And I wanted her to, you know, I didn't want her waiting and all the other kids seeing their parents. I wanted her, you know, to see that we were there too. So my wife agrees. And then she goes, Hey, you know, I got to get some stuff at the grocery store. Why don't we leave a little bit earlier and knock it out? And I said, fine, just as long as we're there

at the top of the hour, right? When we're supposed to pick her up and she goes, fine. So she goes in the grocery store. She goes off and she texts me going, ah, shit, you know, there's a really long line here. Maybe I should do this tomorrow. And I'm like, well, you know, maybe you should. And then I don't hear from her. So she stays in there. And it's like, you know, whatever, 135, 140, 145, right? And it starts getting and I'm texting like, hello. And she's like, sorry, I'm almost done. And then at like 152, she's like standing in line. And we're right around the corner. But now I'm sitting there in the car. And I feel like, you know, we're doing a bank robbery.

And we synchronized our watches and she was supposed to be out. They've hit the alarm. The cops are coming. What the fuck is going on, right? So she's fucking taken forever. And finally at like 158, she's like, drive around. Now I have to drive around because she's cut at this fucking close. And I'm sitting at this point like I lose my temper. So I'm driving around and she, I see her come walking out and now I'm in the line to get back into the fucking grocery store. So I'm beeping the horn. The guy in front of me, it thinks I'm beeping to him and I'm beeping my wife and she's not fucking looking back. I beep like six times.

Then I say, fuck it. I drive around the line. Now everybody in the line thinks I'm this impatient douche telling people to go and I don't wait my turn. I got to pull up next to her. Emotions are heightened. It's 159, right? She, you know, she gets in the car and I was just like, you know, Neal, what the fuck? I thought we were going to fucking blah, blah, blah. And I flipped out. So then we get to the school and now we're in a fight and we get out with standing in line. We're like in a fight and my wife gives me a dirty look, of course, because I yelled at her and then I'm thinking in my head like, oh, this is me. This one's on me. You're the one who added the fucking thing, right?

And I was just like, all right, do I want to be the couple that's arguing on the first day of school? I don't. So I did something I never do. I just walked away and I sat in the fucking car and I breathed a little bit and I was like, all right. Okay. And we got there. They were, they just let the kids out like one at a time. So they make sure that everybody goes home with the right parents. So, you know, in my wife's mind, we weren't late because that's how they were doing it. But in my mind, it's like, no, we are late because instead of being, you know, second, third in line, now we're like 10th in line. So then, you know, if you do that every fucking day, you know, I would think your kids in there like, how come my parents always

picked me up last? I mean, it wasn't that bad, but I'm thinking all of this shit. So whatever. She cried at the beginning of the day. I flipped out at the grocery store. So I was like, all right, I don't want to be in the car. So I get out of the car. I just stand there and I just said, listen, I'm sorry I yelled. I still like you. All right. I like you a lot, even though you're a jerk. So she kind of fucking smiled. I was like, all right, so she's still pissed, whatever. But we were in a good enough place. Our kid comes out. She's all excited. She had a great time. Thank God. So we get in the fucking car and we're driving home. She tells me she likes all the kids in class. Everything's great. So it's just, it was fucking perfect,

right? And then we get home for us a day. My wife's sort of like fucking pissed at me. And then the greatest thing, we actually talked about it at night. I earned the whole fucking thing out. She said why she did what she did. She apologized. I said why I did what I did. I apologized. I went back to therapy. I was doing that anyways. I talked about it today. And then I talked to her about it again today and we're back to being in a great place. And that is not what I witnessed while I was growing up. So I'm just telling you guys a story because I know I'm not, you know, alone when being an angry fucking lunatic. And what I should have done is I should have just been like, I should have remained calm and then just stated like,

you know, you told me that you were going to be out by such and such time and now you're not. And now this is making me feel like a bad parent. Now who's kidding who? Even if I did that, she still wouldn't admit it to any wrongdoing because she is a woman. Okay, sorry. I'm a sojourney is going to come up a little bit here. But at least I would have given me firmer ground to stand on. But whatever, I'm kind of glad I flipped out because it's something that I want to stop doing. So I've decided that I'm just going to write down on a piece of paper and fold it in half just a little book I can read to start my day. It's gonna be like, how do you want your day to be? Do you want to get in a fight with you? You want to yell at your wife, get into a fight?

You know, do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? Or do you want to do this? These are your options. And it's the weirdest fucking thing because I always have those thoughts. And when I kind of realized when you go to therapy, you can have all these fucking thoughts and they're just sort of not real until you say it. And then once you say it, you're like, oh, shit. I've said that out loud. I don't know. It's weird. It's how my brain works. So if I fucking write this shit down, you know, maybe I can, I can, I don't know, not be such a fucking idiot, I guess, I don't know. But at the end of the day, you know, something, the bar is set really low. And I want to commend all of you who are listening to this. If you're on the right,

if you're on the left, gay, straight, whatever the fuck you do, if you like to bang an animal here or there without anybody knowing, right? I just figure as long as you didn't break into the Capitol building with a buffalo horn on your head, I think you had a good day. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about at this point. But the Celtics won three in a row. And my buddy Paul Verzi. Is there anything better? We're going to be starting this sports podcast, joking around and shit. Later on this month, his New York Knicks won three in a row, three in a fucking row. It's going to be a great podcast, a Boston guy, all suburbs of Boston and a New York guy. So we got all the sports shit and all of that. And I lean a little bit

left. He leads a little right. It's fucking great. It's perfect. It's going to be a lot of fun. And, you know, these podcasts I do like the one I do with Bert Kreischer. And now it's going to do one with Paul Verzi are just becoming my way of hanging out with my stand up friends that I miss. To be honest with you. All right. Here we go. Oh, Jesus Christ, you listen to this shit. This is a new advertiser. This is amazing. And I have to do this, even though it's slightly disgusting. Okay, I think it's called V me via me. It's these fucking companies. They always have these fucking goddamn names. I can never figure V I O M E via me via me via me via me via me helps you take control of your health so you can

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Why do we love seeing that? I don't know. I guess we're all weird. All right, Roman, please use one of the intros below or we encourage you to ad lib based on your experience with Roman. Items highlighted in yellow are mandatory to read verbatim. Okay, great. Now that we're all in this, I see this full disclosure on this podcast. All right, I'm going to read number one. I'm going to go with number one. You know, it can be awkward or embarrassing to talk about erectile. Fuck that. Okay, if your dick doesn't work, you look that doctor in the eye. You talk about your wet noodle. I'm reading number two. How often do you use the excuse like I had a long day at work or I'm just not feeling it? I've used that. It's easy to talk about erectile

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What seems to be a problem? You know, my dicks looks like a fat guy in an airplane nodding off and coach. Except it doesn't keep popping its head up waking up. It just sort of keels over. It looks like it's getting in crash position. It's putting its heads between its knees and the knees, meaning my balls. Can you fucking do something about this, please? You smock wearing cunt. You know, you could say something like that, you know, add a little color to it. There's nothing wrong with that. All right, that's it. Okay, this is Bill Burr. I respect you if you're conservative. I respect you if you're fucking liberal. I respect whatever the fuck it is you're doing. All right. That's it. Okay, everybody, let's fucking calm down. All right, if you're not a

doctor, don't say Dr. Shit. Listen to doctors. Can we do that in 2021? Stop acting like you're a doctor because you have a laptop. Can we fucking do that? Stop acting like you're in the CIA because you went to a couple of websites online. I mean, I've been guilty all of this shit, but I just figure I'd give you a lecture. Everybody else likes to pontificate. Why can't I? All right, and if elected. All right, please enjoy the music picked up by the wonderful Andrew Thameless, and I will be, what am I going to be doing? I'll be watching the playoffs this weekend. Oh, you got the, what do we got? We got the Titans in the Ravens. The Titans versus the Ravens, 200,000 yard running back Derrick Henry, Ryan Tanner Hill versus Lamar Johnson,

and whoever the else plays on the fucking Ravens. I don't know anybody's name anymore. I'm looking forward to that. And I'm going to watch the games probably later than the third round because I probably have some dad shit to do this weekend, which I'm really getting into in a pandemic kind of way because I was doing this great thing where we were going to mom and pop restaurants. Those are my favorite places to take the family out to dinner. All right, I don't want to go out to some dumb ass Applebee's. I want to be at some place that, you know, we've been here for 40 fucking years making these goddamn sandwiches. You know, you go there and there's like family working behind the counter. I love those places. So it sucks that you can't go

out to them now because one in five, baby. Five in one. People have COVID out here in LA because they just fucking categorically fucking refuse. You know why? Because too many of them were fucking pussies over the fucking holidays. They had to go breathe all over her. Now she's gone. God bless these doctors. God bless these doctors. You know what? We're such fucking dopes, regular people. You know what they should do when they finally get this vaccine for everybody? They should put us on like, you know, remember back in the day when you had that little gun at the carnival and you had to shoot those ducks going? That's what they should do. But people didn't wear fucking masks. They should just fucking shoot it right into their goddamn neck

for the rest of us. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, and I'll check in on you. No, no, I'll talk to you on Monday. Okay. Slapstick, rappers need chapstick. A lot of them sound like they're in a talent show, so I'll give them something to remember like the Alamo. Tally Ho, a hot joker like Space Game, came back from five-year lane and stayed the same set. And that's your magnetic field. It blocks all logic, sparking these shocks of biological clock. When I hit it, slid it till the city thought I killed a goose. Her power use was pure brittle water, filtered juice. Keep a pen like a fiend, keep a pipe with him. Gentleman who lent a pen to a friend who'd write with him. Never seen this shit again,

but he's still my dunny. The only thing that come between us is crilling money. I sell rhymes like Dom's, the one who mostly keep cats who brag about the broken times. Better rhymes make for better songs and better's not if you got a lot of what it takes. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 7th, 2013, the first Monday of a wonderful new year. We're in our teens, everybody, in this century. Has anybody said basically what this decade is called, by the way? Is this the teens? I guess you can officially say that, right? I mean, they say that about the 1900s, right? They say that, well, it was the Roaring 20s. They always blow off the first two, the aughts, the teens, the 30s, the 40s. I don't fucking know.

Anyways, yeah, I can believe this shit. I'm sitting here, right? Wake up. I don't have anything to talk about today. So I was like, I know, I know what I'll do. I'll go check out the fucking eggheads over at Ted.com. See what the fuck they're up to. And what do I see? This is why we're going to be extinct quicker than global warming or quicker than anything else you could ever come up with. One of the things right on the front page is this guy, Hayden Perry. And you know what he's talking about, everybody? He's talking about re-engineering mosquitoes to fight disease. How can these people be so smart and so fucking stupid all at the same time? Do you really think that you're just going to re-engineer? Like, I don't know what they're

going to do. Like take the old engine out and put something better in there that works for us. The guy starts it off, of course, as always with, you know, something really ominous. He's like, and forgive my awful, whatever British accent here, but he comes out and he's just like, today we're going to talk about the most dangerous animal on the planet for humans. Now, most of you probably think that that's a tiger. Maybe it's a lion. I'm actually talking about the mosquito. The mosquito has killed more people than plagues, war, aides. And he goes on this whole fucking thing. Okay. And he's going on and on about how mosquitoes have killed a bunch of fucking people, you know, throughout the course of history, which if you fucking think about it is really

not that mind blowing. You know, plagues come and go, wars begin and end, but mosquitoes, they never quit. Every fucking day they're biting people. You know what I mean? They're like that dude that always goes to the gym. He doesn't take six months off and eat fucking moon pies and then come back with his big doughy stomach like me. The fucking mosquito is relentless. All right. So then he's just sitting there going, now, you know, the mosquito, it only travels only 200 yards in its entire fucking life and blah, blah, blah, blah. But basically it lays eggs and shit, you know, water and that type of crap. And then, you know, we're assholes. We go all over the fucking world and we got the eggs with us. And they say, you know, the mosquitoes are all over

the fucking planet as they should be biting people, killing people, giving us some fucking elbow room. This fucking jackass and his fucking egghead friends want to re-engineer one of the few things that is keeping the human population just vaguely in check, which it isn't. We're up to seven billion people and this fucking asshole wants to re-engineer mosquitoes to fight disease rather than to spread it. Do you understand how fucked up this guy is like? It's like a form of terrorism. I know you guys think I'm a moron, but like, there's a reason why mosquitoes kill people. You know, there's a reason. There's a reason everything kind of kills everybody. It just keeps it balanced. This fucking jerk off. Do you really think you're just going to rewire these

fucking mosquitoes and then that's going to, that's not going to have a domino effect? I don't know. You know what it's like? Listen to these fucking guys. It's like, listen to some weekend warrior who decides he's going to rewire his house. And you know, within three years he's going to fucking burn it down because he doesn't have, he's, he's not a licensed electrician. That's what these guys are. Okay. They're so fucking smart. They're going to re-engineer a mosquito, but like, how's that going to affect the fucking, oh God, give me a, give me an animal, a bird kind of fucking, it's going to affect something. I'm sewing over my head over this, but I know I'm right. I know I'm right. You can't just, you can't just, if you fucking re-engineer

that thing to help us. Okay. It won't, it's not, now it can't kill us. Let's talk about this. Did the fuck did he call it? Dengue disease? Dengue disease or some shit that evidently is killing a bunch of people. First time you get it, you feel like you have a fever and you can actually have the feeling like your bones are going to break. They actually call it break bone fever. And you develop like antibodies, but there's three strains and then when you get the next one, I mean, just, it's like a horror movie, but a necessary one. You know, these fucking nerds ever think that there's a reason that mosquitoes kill people? That's what I love about nature. Is it all makes sense?

You know, if you just remove your emotions from it and you just look at the whole thing is like a, a, I don't know, like a math problem. Oh, geezies. Right? But where, where we have, you got way too much. It's like if you open the cupboard, you know what I mean? You'd have like fucking like one fig Newton and then seven billion pounds of flour. I think that they should re- not re-engineer, they just let the fucking mosquitoes kill people. If you get killed, I'm sorry, you know, but you're dead. It's over. You're out of the way and we continue on and there's apples for everybody. You know, we're already growing salmon and dishes, manmade fucking salmon. We're literally fucking with the food supply. Another form of terrorism.

So he just comes in and poisons the food supply. You know, if you have like a fucking mask on, you know, in some sort of bath towel on you, on your head or whatever, then it's all, oh, yeah, it's a terrorist. That's a terrorist. But if you got a fucking lab coat on, you know, you're putting all these pesticides in there and that type. I don't fuck. I'm on my, I'm on my soapbox this week, people standing up on that box, letting everybody hear my ignorance. Heyden Perry, if for some reason, I don't know why you felt like being dumb this week and you're listening to this podcast, can you please not re-en- can you and your friends please not re-engineer mosquitoes? Can you just let them do their fucking job? You know, why don't you do the world a favor

and stick your head in a mosquito nest? Why don't you fucking do that? This is like mad scientist shit. Ted.com is the scariest fucking website out there. These fucking assholes, you know, on, they're re-engineering mosquitoes and they're building robots that know everything, that can run like Barry Sanders, you know, and like, like that's not going to be a bad thing. Heyden Perry, you know what it is? His heart is in the right place. He sees death. He sees suffering. He sees pain and he wants to fucking stop it. All right? Because what he's doing is he's chasing the myth of a utopia. The myth of utopia is that if you lived in a utopia, everybody would be happy all the time and nothing bad would ever happen. And it's just not the case because of the emotion

of boredom. If everything was awesome all the fucking time, you would go out of your fucking mind because every day would be the exact same. It would just be awesome. Hey, it's lunchtime. You have a turkey sandwich. Isn't this the greatest turkey set? Yes! Every day it's the greatest fucking sandwich ever. Every fucking day exhausted with happiness. It would be exhausting. You know what I mean? You gotta have people getting bit by mosquitoes dying. If that doesn't happen, you can't enjoy the Super Bowl at the same level. You know what I mean? You can't enjoy just sitting there having a turkey sandwich because you can't, you don't have the thing to be like, well at least, you know, I'm eating a turkey sandwich, the meat's a little dry, but hey, at least I didn't get bit

by a fucking mosquito and die, you know, laying face down in a puddle of eggs. If you eliminate all of that, I mean, what are you supposed to fucking do? There's all these myths that if we just did this, people would get along. If we just did that, people would get along. I don't think we would. I think boredom. Boredom is at the basis of, I don't know, that that's what drives us. I don't know. You just want to do something out, being competitive and all. You wouldn't get rid of that. Just imagine that if you lived in a fucking utopia, everybody had the best car. Everybody drives a fucking Bentley. Everybody's got the greatest fucking stereo. Everybody's got a Victoria's Secret fucking model. Everybody's got,

you know, out on an infinity pool. Everybody's got it. Okay. Now, that if you could just snap your fingers and make that happen, that would be probably the most insane five day straight party the world has ever seen. But after five fucking days, you'd get sick of it. I think you would. Nobody ever stubs their toe. Nobody ever falls down. You just, you know, I don't know. Reengineering fucking mosquitoes. You know, I saw a transvestite do a fucking face plant this week, and it coming out of a donut shop. First of all, in LA, there's donut shops. I swear to God, there's like 19 chains of donut shops out here. They're on like every other block. I don't get it. Everybody out here

that I know is in this business, and you're trying to stay remotely in shape so you limit your fucking Twitter bashing or the level that you get bashed on Twitter. I don't know who's eating all the fucking donuts. Who is eating all that? But they're everywhere. So I'm fucking cutting down. Oh, no, I was on Fountain Ave. I really shouldn't give this street up, but Fountain Ave is the one for you tourists out here. When you want to go east to west to west to east, and it's during rush hour, don't take fucking sunset, don't take Santa Monica, you take Fountain. It's right in the middle. But on one of those strips there, there's this place, Yum Yum Donuts, I believe is what it's called.

Or is that Santa Monica? I can't remember. So anyway, it's a fucking donut shop, and they got this stupid little like, you know, like those chains, you know, like they put like poles down, and then they tie a chain to it, those little things, and it kind of droops down and goes over. So this fucking dude woman, right, was stepping over it, and it had a thing of donuts, and just fell down on the ground. Now, normally I would laugh. The guy in a dress fell face first with a fucking handful of donuts. I mean, that's pretty much you're going right down the checklist of a home run when it comes to comedy. But the dude fell so effeminately, I felt bad. The gentleman in me was like, Oh, that lady guy, the lady just fell.

And the way the dude put his hand up, it was just it ended up just being really sad. You know, but I pride myself, I'll pat myself on the back here, me and my ego, that I resisted the urge of taking out my phone and filming it. You know, I don't, I don't like that shit now how every fucking moment becomes this. I don't know what to call it. I don't like how humiliation never ends now. You know, these poor kids coming up, it's just like somebody gets kicked in the balls, they get shot with a fucking BB gun in his dick. Somebody films it. OMG, epic fail, dick BB fucking video. And then it's just on the internet forever. And the guy's 35 years old,

he's got a drinking problem. And he's looking at this girl, he feels sparks for the first time in years. He goes to talk to her and right as things are going good, somebody yells, that's that fucking epic fail dick BB guy. She's like, Oh my God, is that you? I remember that. Then a chunk of your helmet get taken off. What the fuck, right? It just never know. Humiliation never ends. Never fucking ends. I don't even know what I'm talking about this week. Does it matter? I don't think it matters this week, because Hayden Perry is going to re-end your mosquitoes to fight disease. Okay, you're going to rewire them. Are you going to rewire everything else on the fucking planet?

So it's all compatible. Are you just going to fuck with that Hayden? I don't get it. You know what it is? This guy, I don't even think he fucking believes in it. He is he, I bet he's corporate owned. He's corporate owned. This is what they're going to do. They're going to own the re-engineered mosquitoes. Okay. And then when they bite you, they make you stronger. And then they also, they go out and they choke out all the other mosquitoes, but you can only get them from them. And then what they do on the backside is they make the regular ones that aren't re-engineered. They re-engineer near them to make them even more lethal. All right. Cause that way, you know, the way mosquitoes

reproduce, it's just like this endless and everybody's going to want to buy your mosquitoes. You know, it'll be this endless supply and endless demand for the supply that you can just fucking, they look like rabbits. Right? This all makes sense to me. What the fuck am I 15 minutes in? Jesus, it's getting deep this week. All right. Still a little advertising here and then I'll tell you a story about a rabbit. I think it's going to be all animals this week. What the fuck is it? All right. All right. Stamps.com, everybody. One great resolution you can make for this new year. Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. I know an easy way to do that

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two big stupid boxes, actually three, wondering if I was going to come home with one, trying to do the math, standing in line behind some lady, right? I don't have to do that anymore. I just grab a box, bang, bang, boom, put it on the, put it on the scale and I'm done. Right now, get this special offer when you use my last name Burr, B-U-R-R for a no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage, 55 bucks right in your pocket to begin the new year. Don't wait, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com enter Burr. All right, back to the podcast. So last night, I'm doing this stand-up

show. I'm doing a show where I stand up and you know, I'm trying to find a parking spot and I do, I'm going to take you through every like minute fucking painful detail of this, you know, I put in reverse, I look in the camera and I realize I'm a little bit in the red. So I pull it up a little bit, but then there's a Mustang in front of me, an old one, looks like a 67 or a 68 and I'm like, well, I want this guy to feel like I don't respect his car. So I backed up a little bit more realizing that I'm mostly in the unpainted area. So I guess legally I'm okay. So then I decide to get out the driver's side door. Okay, I lead with my left leg rather than swinging my right over. Sorry. I get out of the fucking car and I'm walking up the

street, you know, trying to think what I'm going to talk about when I go on stage and I look over and there's this fucking rabbit sitting outside this apartment, a rabbit. This isn't a wild rabbit. This is a domesticated rabbit. What do I know? Because it's not afraid of me. It's just sitting there looking at me like, you know, hey, what's going on? Like it's just chilling on the porch and it's fat. It's a fat fucking rabbit. Like, you know, it's eating human food rather than the hell do rabbits eat? What do they eat? They eat carrots, at least the cartoon ones do. Do they eat carrots? There's not as much of carrots in the wild. Lettuce, grass, I don't know what the fuck they eat, squirrels. I bet they'll find that out one day that they actually every once in a

while eat squirrels. Like, you know, for the longest time when they thought like chimpanzees with vegetarians and then they found out that every once in a while they go on a hunt and they kill a monkey. Fucking chimpanzees. I hate them. I hate those motherfuckers. Okay. Fuck mosquitoes. Oh, you bite me and I get a fever. I get a rash and I feel like my bones are going to break and then I, you know, I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm hot. I'm dead. It's over. All right. I would much rather have that than to have some fucking roided out fire plug jump on me, rip my face off, pull my nuts off and twist my foot off. I would much much rather even though I'm going to bleed out quicker than going through the hell of the dengue death, whatever the fuck it is. I would

rather go through that. Oh my God, those fucking creepy long chimp fingers. You know, fucking grabbing right under your chin like you're some mass wrestler and he's going to reveal your identity. Just fucking rip your goddamn face back. Oh my God. Oh shit. I forgot this. I forgot this. I got to look this up right now. You know what? I was in New Mexico recently visiting a high school friend and hang on a second. The fuck was her name? I was in this restaurant. What is it? Bronco Boozer? I can't remember a fucking name. God damn it, Bill. You stink. I'm in this Italian restaurant, right? And they got all these fucking, there it is, Gina Bronco Boozer. So they got all these Italians on the wall like the ones you've always heard, Frank Sinatra and all the Tito Puente,

you know, all the big Italians. Tito Puente is Latino. I don't give a fuck. All the classic ones you've heard of. Who's the girl there was staring at the other girl. She was trying to be the hot whore and then the other girl's whore tits were hanging out even more. She's giving them a cycle. Sophia Loren. Sophia Loren, you know, all these Italians, right? Beautiful people, right? And then they just had some obscure ones. So I see one and it's this woman in tights. And her name is Gina Bronco Boozer. And I start reading the story. And basically, she was a female wrestler, hugely fucking popular. And her big thing was how she got into wrestling. She was like five foot five, like 210 pounds. Okay, we're talking fourth and goal here.

Low center of gravity. She puts that show ironhead hayward with the pussy. Okay, it's disgusting, but it's true. So anyways, her big claim to fame was that she choked a fucking cow to death with her thighs. Now to me, that just sounds like some vaudeville like step right up, step right up. See no woman to choke the cow to death with her thighs. If you could survive for one minute, we will give you this anvil or whatever the fuck you won back then. But anyways, that was her claim to fame to get into, uh, into wrestling. So she went around barnstorming around the country and she won all these matches and she became hugely popular big time fan favorite and she would do all these benefits for charity and whatnot. So one day,

this is how little we knew about animals back then, they decide to raise money for charity that they would have Gino Bronco Buzza wrestle an old baboon from the zoo. It's old toothless baboon. It didn't have its teeth. Now if you've never seen anything on baboons, like baboons have teeth like a fucking lion. Do you ever see one yawn? You can just stop staring at their rainbow book club ass and just look at its fucking teeth. I mean, this thing could literally bite your fucking head off, but the baboon was old and it didn't have any teeth. What could go wrong? So they bring the fucking baboon down. I don't know if it had a little silk wardrobe or what, you know, robe like fucking Greg the hammer Valentine. Who knows? I don't know what it had. Maybe it had

his monkey hair all fucking slick back and dyed platinum. I don't know what what it's gonna, but Gina's gonna wrestle this thing. So Gina's already in the fucking ring. This whole story is on the wall at the restaurant. I can't believe I didn't take a picture of it because there's really very little about this on the internet. So she's fucking waiting. They take a banana. They put it on the stool in the ring. Okay. Now the monk, the baboon, old toothless baboons in the ring with this Gina Bronco Buzza, B-O-U-Z-A if you're trying to look it up. And I don't know what happened. She starts, I don't know, made some sort of aggressive move towards the fucking baboon. The baboon jumps on her and just snaps her neck and she's dead within the first fucking

five seconds of the match. And the promoter was like freaking out saying something ridiculous like basically how would I know that that would have happened? How would you know that that would have happened? Well, well, baboons have the strength of like what five men, you know? I don't know if you've noticed, baboons don't really like, you know, you don't ring a bell and then they stop. That's the end of the round, baboon. You know, they, if you start tapping out like, all right, you got me. You got me. You know, is it's turning your head around? All right. All right. You know, it doesn't, it's not stopping. You can't tap out with a baboon. Baboons do not have a fucking, what a 10 minute time limit. They don't fight like that. They have a fight to the death. All right.

You're coming in there trying to raise money for emphysema. That thing's coming in there like, all right, fucking blood sport here. I don't have any teeth. What's the next thing I'm going to do? I'm going to fucking turn your head around like the exorcist, even though I never saw the movie. And even if I did, I don't even know if it would register, you know? Dude, cheetahs are afraid of baboons, but baboon comes over like, get the fuck out of my territory. Cheetahs for the most part are like, or leopards. Maybe it's even a leopard, an even bigger cat. I don't know what, I don't know, but look, I will tell you to look up the story of Gina Bronco Buzza, but there's really nothing on here other than in that restaurant. And they kind of had

the whole fucking story. If I ever go out to New Mexico again, I'm going to go to, it's an Italian restaurant or as if somebody lives out there, Jesus Christ, why don't you use technology? Please take a picture of the story. It's on the wall and please send it to me and we'll put it up on the podcast page because it's fucking unreal. You know, it's funny was when I read it, all I thought about was this is like, this is something like fucking Joe Rogan. You know, I should have sent the story to him. He could have done a fucking hour of this on his podcast with all his knowledge of animals and ultimate fighting. Who the fuck would get into a goddamn ring? Who the fuck would get into a ring with a baboon? Like, I guess, you know, there really, there was no discovery channel.

And that's the honest thing. Like I wouldn't know anything about, I wouldn't know anything about baboons if it wasn't for basic cable, you know, and I wouldn't have known that that woman got her face fucking ripped off if it wasn't for their, you know, the instant news shit. I wouldn't know anything. All I would know about would be the guy up the street with fucking seven toes. I would just know that country shit. But anyways, if you get a chance, you know, look it up, there isn't much information on it, but so there you go. It's been all about animals so far, hasn't it? The animal podcast. Oh, anyway, so I'm sitting there looking at this fat fucking rabbit. And it's just sitting there. And it was nighttime. I really disturbed me the way it was just sitting

there, not looking out for coyotes, not looking out for a house cat. I actually played out in my head this awful scenario of a cat slowly coming up to its stalking it, you know, and a rabbit looking right at the cat and the cat having this weird sort of, this motherfucker sees me, doesn't he? You know, the lovely Nia everybody. So I'm telling this story. I saw this rabbit sitting outside a house last night, a house rabbit, a fat, I've been eating fruit loops at the dining room table, house rabbit. It just really disturbed me because it didn't know any better. It didn't know to be scared. It wasn't scared of me. It wasn't looking arena fucking. Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's domestic. Would you come down here to get on the podcast?

Maybe we'll grab yourself a microphone there, lady. You got to plug yourself in. So anyways, I, uh, the cords are over there. We've been through this. I'd hit pause on this thing, but I don't know how to do it. And it always ends up shutting off. And then I have to splice it together and then something happens where, uh, I don't know. So anyways, hey, you guys, have you ever, uh, you ever go to make a pot roast in a Dutch oven and in the middle of it, you just start drinking beers and you're about four beers in and you can't remember what time you put the pot roast in. That's what the fuck I did yesterday. I'm so embarrassed. I made, I made a tough pot roast. There we go. And she's putting on the windscreen, everybody. And bam, she's in. She's in. Hello.

Hey, did you try any of the pot roast or are you still on your diet? I did try some pot roast, but I am still on my diet, even though I did fall off a little bit. I'm back on it for the next, well, for a while, but yeah. In the middle of the pot roasted, it's tasted all right, right? The outside got a little tough. Yeah. Well, that's what you get for, you know, I don't understand what people, when people cook these beautiful meals that you've been cooking lately and they have been beautiful meals, mind you, you know, yeah, you have a nice glass of wine. It's like the whole process. Nobody slams four Budweiser's in a row while making these beautiful restaurant

quality meals. That's a whole, yeah. You know what it was stumbling around the kitchen like, oh, what time did I put it in him? Oh, I fucked it up. Oh, I turned the wrong burner. I did that. I was supposed to, I was trying to turn up the heat for the potatoes. And I had the, uh, the roast on simmer. Yeah. And I turned up the roast one. Hi. And I was sitting like, why isn't this these fucking potatoes? It's doesn't even look like it's getting hot. And then all of a sudden I heard my, uh, my au jus sauce going on. No juice. A bubbling over there. Yeah. I fucked the whole thing. Well, you know what it was, my OCD kicked in. I had all those Budweiser's left over from the Rose Bowl and, uh, they just

taken up space. You don't have OCD. You have ADD. I like, you, you like, oh, I have OCD. That's why I had to drink all those beers. Well, let me explain it. This is why. Assessive compulsive drinking. No, listen, stands for disorder. Listen. Hey, why? No, I, I had the, uh, I just, we had like fucking 12. We brought so much beer. I had like, like 15 Budweiser's in there. It's taken up all that space. So I'm thinking if I drink one a day, you know, I'll knock this out in half a month. Then I go, what if I have two? I knock it out in seven. And then I was just like, you know, I had them in stacks of two. And I was just like, you know, I knocked out two and then I had my third one and I'm like,

well, the other one's still sitting there, taking up that space. So knock that one out. You could have put them on the bottom shelf like way in the back though. There's, there's ways you could have, you just wanted to drink them all. That's what it is. I could have bought a bigger fridge. I could have bought a bigger fridge. Rose ball was awesome this year. We did have a tragedy though. And I can't, I can't name the name, but somebody got a little too drunk was walking towards the, I don't know what happened. What always happens every year is we get absolutely fucking hammered. And then we all just, all of a sudden we just noticed we're the only ones in the parking lot. And then that's when it

clicks at the games about ready to start. So then we are the golf course, which is the parking lot. And we, we just walk into the stadium sort of together and then get separated and then come back together again, like a band that worked out its differences, you know. And when we got to our seats, only three of us made it. And there was some other guy, no, I remember what's his face was saying, yes, so and so lost his ticket. Oh, I get the fuck out of here. And then it didn't get in. And then some other douchebag comes up and sits in my buddy's seat where like three drunk, angry guys, well, fuck you get that dick. And he's like, I bought it. But at first he said he bought it for 25 bucks. Then they told somebody else he bought it for 50. He either pickpocket

the thing or he found it on the fucking ground. But at the end of the day, it's on, you know, it's on my body. He got too hammered. That's why I always buy the ticket holder every year. It's like, you know, when you put a toddler on a leash, so it can't run away from you. That's what I do. I put the ticket in there, put it around my neck, and then I commence drinking like I'm still in college. So just stays there, stays there. You don't have a problem. I feel your neck getting tugged. You know, somebody's trying to steal it, right? You know, you could even put it like underneath your shirt. If you're worried about people, you know, getting funny ideas. Yeah, but I get so drunk, I would think I lost it. Where is it? Where is it? I can't breathe.

So anyway, no, we had a great time though. You were getting jealous when you saw all that food that we were cooking fucking long had did the ribs up. Yeah, you guys throw down like it's some sort of like food tailgating competition. You know, it's like this, did you tell them, did you tell your podcast listeners what was on the menu, this extensive tailgating menu? Oh, we had short ribs. Wait, wait, wait. Start at the beginning. What is the beginning? All right, 9000 fucking Budweiser's. Oh, we had breakfast with lamb sausage. We got this great butcher in my neighborhood. So we went over there and literally put in an order that we had to pick up two days later. A lot of animals died on this day, people. We had lamb. But you were very organized

about it. It's not like you just went to Ralph's and just grabbed a bunch of cheap meat like you went to the butcher, the best, pretty much the only butcher in our neighborhood and put in an order. So you had lamb sausage, goat cheese, pepper. Yeah. So that was breakfast. That's the greatest omelet I have every year. I got a Rose Bowl ticket around my neck. I'm on my beer in my hand. Exactly. In an omelet in my mouth. I know all that guy's shit that is just lampooned now. It gets just fucking considered silly. If you enjoy that, like this is America. It is. It's fucking great. And until you've had a fucking omelet on New Year's Day, on a golf course outside the Rose Bowl, go fuck yourself. It was tremendous. And then what's his face? We had, we had Kobe beef,

hot dogs, which I just found out Kobe beef. The reason why it's so soft is they treat it like veal. So I got to be done with that shit now. Oh, so now you're not gonna, you're not gonna eat that anymore? Yeah, because you're very, you're anti veal. So yeah, I don't mind fucking just walking up to a cow and blowing its brains out. That I don't, that's part of nature. Somebody got you. That's all right. But to stick them in a fucking cage, like, and so they can't move so the meat's more tender to just torture it like that. You know, right? Yeah, I mean, it's unnecessary. It already tastes delicious. It's doing the fucking job. It's filling up my belly. You know, let it walk around. Can you let it walk around? Whatever. And then we had the ribs. We had the

ribs in with his fucking his his rub and the mop. And it was just it was the shit. And then we had the mini apple pies baked by you. Yeah. And then they out my little pie face. Yeah. And then we got the best compliment. We heard people next to us whispering going, see, they're doing it right. They got pies. And you're like, that's right, motherfucker. I know who brings individual pies. We used to be them. I used to back in the day when I used to go to the Patriots games, when I had season tickets in 1989, we used to fucking show up with a keg of beer and a bag of chips. And we'd be sitting there. Look at those people. They're doing it right. And we just get absolutely annihilated here. And that I swear to God, that's, that's, that's accurate. We would,

we would have a half barrel. We had a half barrel of beer. And we would be doing keg stands because we were morons, literally like counting one, two, three doing that shit. As all these adults were looking at us, like some of them were repulsed. And then there was other people who did that when they were our age. So they were just sitting there with half a smirk, probably betting which one of us was going to puke first. Yeah, I did one time. Puking after a keg stand is the most refreshing way ever to puke. I've never done a keg stand before. It's so, it's so cold when it comes back out. Usually when you, what does it mean exactly? Well, I guess a keg stand usually is you're supposed to do like somebody holds you up upside down.

Okay. So we weren't doing that. We weren't doing that. What's the point of being upside down? Is it you get more fucked up that way? Cause you're all disoriented upside down. No, it's one of those things where you're young and you think if I'm drinking beer, I'm crazy. I'm away from my parents. What could make this crazier? What if I did it upside down? Yeah, it's stupid. It's just suburban doucheery. So I actually never did that. We did a more adult version of keg stand, which is basically you just fuck and you turn the tap on and you just, and we were timing it. It was like the Olympic trials of beer drinking and, and as you puked, you were out, or if you just tapped out like I can't do it. So you'd start

up with 10 seconds and it was completely inaccurate. If he would just be going, one, two, three, four, four, five, right? All the way up to 10. And if you made it to 10, you were in the next round and it went up to 20, then it went up to 30, then went up to 40. And you got to think you've already drank for 10 seconds and you drank for 20. That's 30 seconds. Now you drink for 30. Now you drink 60. And it just keeps going and going and going. And we got all the way up one time where I was trying to beat this guy and I, and I didn't have a reputation for being able to drink it. I just went into this fucking zone and I went head to head with this guy. And I just kept making, it was like the Cinderella team going through March Madness. And somehow I made it, I made the

championship game. It was me against this other guy who had like a fucking iron stomach. And I ended up, I ended up losing is what I did, but it was one of the great pukes in my life because it was just ice cold. It was like reverse drinking a glass of water. Ice cold glass. You know, when you puke, it's like acidity and it tears up your throat. Yeah. It wasn't. It was just like it just came out. Was this in high school? Uh, no, I was well, I think I was in my, my fifth year of college by then. No, your fifth year of college. I was 21 when I did that.

Oh, okay. So I should have been a junior, but I was still a freshman. Yeah. Now I drink beer in high school only because I don't drink beer now, as you know, because I don't like the taste of it, but I drank it in high school because, you know, that's what you drink. Oh, that's my running joke with you. I think you'd like this one and I always make sure it's the most hoppy. Yeah. It's always discussing. It's so rude. You know how much I don't like beer. I just, but yeah, I use, I would drink it in high school

because that's what people were drinking when you would drink in high school. But then I got onto the, uh, the Boone's farm there, you know, that cheap little strawberry wine and wine coolers. What is it called? Boone's farm. It's a kind of, um, wine. It's like really sweet, really cheap. Yeah. You get it at like the gas station. Yeah. And you get this horrific hangover. Yeah. We would send in, you know, like one of the cuter girls, um, to go in there and just kind

of like smile and just walk up with, you know, a couple of bottles of the Boone's farm and, you know, the 19 year old or whatever kid behind her would just let her buy it and not check her ID because she's hot and she's cute. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Why is that a bad thing? Everybody, I mean, it is jealous. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not condoning that because I was never, I'm jealous, but I would, I would, I would drink beer then, but I always hated it, but I just did it because that's what you did. You know, I'm jealous of that is what it is. Guys, you know, on a certain level, you fucking resent that because we don't have the option of being hot and cute and just getting something just

coming like hot tea. He had like a case of beer playing with your non-existent pigtail or maybe you're Steven Segal ponytail, just sort of twisting it around. That's a weird visual. It is a weird visual. Um, let's read some fucking emails for the week. Um, Pakistani cricket fan. He said, all right, man, this isn't, this is important. First podcast of 2003, right? All right. Sorry about that. I fucked that thing up. I didn't delete last week's. I got to get a memory card that has a little more memory on it. Anyways. Oh, Jesus. What is this now? All right. It's just gone off the rails here. All right. Pakistani cricket fan.

Starting over again. All right, man. This is important. First podcast of 2013, right? This is about cricket, the sport. Don't you stop here now. Come on and bear with me. Okay. So Pakistan and India just had a cricket series. Now these two guys, they don't like each other. Right. Why don't they like each other? I don't know. I'll be completely honest. You just got fucked. You were like, right. I thought you like, you knew the answer. No, I don't. I don't. I'm not, I'm not well versed in that. I admit. All right. It's the usual shit. They live near each other. All right. Familiarity breeds contempt and they, they fight over cashmere. Don't you remember a few years ago? They were like,

I'm going to fucking nuke you. And the other guy's like, go ahead and do it. We got the bomb too. You don't remember that? No. Maybe that was a movie I saw. Anyways, so Pakistan and India just had a cricket series. We are arch rivals and shit, not only in cricket, but in everything. I mean, we had the biggest tank wars and shit. Did you? They should make a movie about that and have like tan white people play you guys and then you guys can get offended. So India had this, these fucking commercials in which the voice said Pakistan is coming to India and their faggot cricket player were like, oh, he's saying that. I thought they were saying, I thought they were saying that in the commercial. I was like, wow. No, this, this gentleman is,

he's using it. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. In which the voice said Pakistan is coming to India and then their cricket player were like, let them come. Now these Indian cunts are the last world cup champions and we're ready to fuck Pakistan in the ass. Get what happened. Guess what happened? They got fucked big time. Now everything else in Pakistan is shit. As you must know, just do this man. Well, this guy, you know, he is writing in a second language here. Just do this man and be on my fucking side. All right. As I approach you first. All right. Come on man. Just tell these Indian read these things first before you just start reading. That's what makes it good. Just tell these Indian cunts how bad their cricket team sucks.

And they can eat a dick and some other clever shit that you say he wants you to trash India because he's back as Danny and they have a cricket feud as well as other please rape them. Please rape them. Yeah, sir. Don't use that word like that. Oh, you know what? You don't understand sports. How'd you like that? You thought you were going to beat Pakistan with the defendant fucking champions with our fraternity paddles hitting that racket ball around the circular field. Well, guess what? You fucking lost. You would think considering all you guys have 18 fucking kids, you could find a couple of Jordans in there, right? And you could repeat. Oh, well, you know what? I think next year, Pakistan, you guys should play again and winner takes all

of Kashmir. What do you think about that? And you get all the other sides tanks. There you go. How was that? Was that all right? I like how you did this. You're like, all right, cool. I'll do that. There we go. This is Bill Burr. This was Bill Burr trashing India. Anybody else? If you watch obscure sports out in you guys win a game, I'll talk trash about the other fucking person not knowing anything about. I don't even know. I don't even get the game. I like you know, I like about cricket, though, is how long it is. You know, when you drink, there's certain sports that you're just going to love. You just the cricket again, the people like drink out like that. It doesn't seem like it seems like more civilized than that

for some reason. Why? I don't know why because it's foreign. Wow. And they wear like all white. They just looked like spiffier. I don't know. They just look like there's some sort of class element. Are you thinking about polo? No. Don't they wear all white? I don't know. Pull up an image of people playing cricket. I'm pretty sure. You fucking pull it up. I'm not your secretary. Everyone wears white. Well, you have the laptop in front of you. That's a good point. No, listen, this is why of course they drink. They probably have hooligans. You're saying you think it's sophisticated after what this guy wrote, faggot, cunt, rape. That's all in there. That's cricket fans for you. No, that's not cricket fans. You know what that is? That's sports

fans. That's sports fans. We're morons. Yeah, but I think that more like something like a rugby, I feel like, has more of a hooliganism attached to it. You know something? You would think that. For some reason, I feel like cricket is more like, hello. You know what? Have you ever met a professional boxer or one of those UFC guys? I guess so. If you meet them, most of them, yeah. Most of them, they're really just mellow kind of, they don't need to prove anything. Right. You know what I mean? Maybe it's the fans. So you're not talking about the rugby players. Maybe the fans are more, I don't know. I have no idea. I can tell you right now, I would keep my fucking mouth shut if I ever went to any sort of sporting event in another country.

Unless, you know, when I go to Canada, it's hockey. I know hockey's back, by the way. I'm really excited that it's back. Great. All's forgiven. I don't give a fuck. I've accepted it that it's a part of hockey every fucking five, six years. I have no idea what you're talking about. I know you don't. You said all's forgiven. What's forgiven? The strike. They went on strike. Oh, you noticed you've been able to watch way more real housewives this time this year. You notice I'm watching way more hoop than I've somehow in a fucking secretive way become a Knicks fan, because they never show the Celtics because we stink. So they're always showing the Knicks and I just, I'd love their team. Okay. I fucking love their team. Did you see that JR Smiths that

donkey had on that alley hoop with a guy threw it too low and he caught it down by his nuts and just with one hand just fucking through it. It was one of the most vicious things I've ever seen. Even problem as vicious as that baboon snapping that wrestler's neck back in the fifties. Um, all right. Innocent deer and headlights. Hey, Bill, love the show. I'll start from the beginning, but I'll be quick. You know, people, you know, I can't read. So let's just get right to the fucking point. Yeah. Did you ever read aloud in class? I hated it. Yeah. I hated it. Not good at it. I would be like trying to count ahead. How many people and then try to guess which paragraph and I always start looking over it before he got to it. You know, when I was in

the fourth grade one time, I had to read out loud and I got in my head and I was like going, like, I'll just read the first couple sentences the way I did it. I was like, love the show. I'll start from the beginning and I finished it and I finished it. I wasn't baby. I wasn't a baby. I was in fourth grade. I should have been able to read. Shithead Bill. So when I finished reading the paragraph, the teacher went like before, you know, I was like, I was so fucking relieved that it was over and I was just waiting for her to call and the girl sitting behind me for her, you know, Jennifer read the next paragraph and when I finished, there was this silence and then the teacher said, I didn't understand one word he said. Did anybody else understand

what he said? Oh no. Nobody said anything. She made me go back and reread it. I was like, love the show. I'm like choking back tears. I'll start from the beginning. It's back in the 70s when you could be mean to people. Oh, that's terrible. Is it me or is he too fucking stupid to be in this grade? You poor thing. That's not nice. It's not nice. It's fucking hilarious. I stunk at it and she called me out on it and I deserved it. What I should have done was viewed it as a challenge and gone home and just walked around the house reading out loud. Well, you're in fourth grade. Your brain doesn't work like that. Listen, you're never too young to start manning up. Instead, I accepted defeat and I I don't know. I know I never got that two things happened to

me that year that were fucking brutal. They had the reading out loud and getting trashed for it. And then they did this thing called, was it called sound spelling? Okay, you know, you learn how to read in first grade. Yeah, you progress in the second grade, you learn how to spell and all that, all that shit. First, second, third. Okay, it's still fresh in your head. Don't take it out of the oven. It's still all doughy. So you know what these fucking idiots do? They introduce sound spelling in the fourth grade. And it's basically, I guess, phonetic spelling is what proper proper name like where you spell cat k a t. And they started going through all of these words that I just learned how to spell within the last couple of months to

couple of years. And they started putting K's where there was C's and all this shit and I never recovered. Never recovered. Why would they do that though? Why would they because somebody I don't get it. They thought that it would help with something. Why would they why would they do that? Why would they put fluoride and toothpaste? Why would they do that? When it slows your brain down, it makes you just kind of you know, hey, man, dreams aren't coming true. But I'm all right. Look at these white teeth, you know, I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about ever. Just know that. Know that about this podcast. I don't know what I'm talking about ever. The Monday morning podcast. That's your tag. That's it. All right. Innocent deer in the headlights.

All right. Push away that fourth grade. I know it's good. Do you want me to read it for you? Hey, if that guy who played Darth Vader's voice can get over stuttering, I can do this. All right. Hey, Bill, love the show. I'll start from the beginning, but I'll be quick. I am about to graduate college. I met a lady in one of my classes. We talked throughout the semester. Oh, dude, how many times was the moment to get her number coming and going and you were like, fuck. And on the last day of class, she offered me her number. There it is. She was probably rolling her eyes the whole semester like for the love of God. Do I got a drop to my knees? Um, where the hell am I? She came up to, I know. Oh, oh, Billy. Oh, Billy. I met on a class. We

talked. What the fuck was I? I thought she was having a flashback right now. Did I just make that part up? I can't find it. I met a girl in one of my class who talked throughout the semester. Last day of class, she asked me a number. I thought she was pretty cool and went and went out with her later that week. She came up. No, she came and met me. She came and met up with me. Oh my God, this is fucking torture. Just read it. Oh my God. She came and met up with me and my friends at a bar. Things went well and we ended up going back to my place. Oh geez. We start fooling around on the couch and then she gets up and guides me into my room. I was getting nervous because I haven't been with many girls and not entirely sure what to do in this situation. Um, she strips

naked and while we are sitting on my bed, she opens her legs to reveal a white string coming out of her ladiness. Guys with the gross details here. I wasn't really sure what it was at the time. Oh, this guy's, he's a fucking, he's like that. He's like that little fat rabbit sitting outside the, uh, the apartment complex. He didn't know what it was. Well, maybe he was just so disoriented that he just was like, what is that? There's no, there's nothing in a guy's upbringing that says, uh, you know, tells you about the ripcord. You know, that's just something you just learned. It's one of the few things like, you know, back in the day, I was supposed to learn about like the whole reproductive system. Like it's literally like half an hour, not even half

an hour. Maybe it's a 10 minute part of your lesson about the reproductive system. And I, if they, if you even, okay, they didn't have that, they didn't have that when I was growing up, but I can guarantee you in those classes, they never say, Hey, and if you're ever tying to bang some chick who's on the rag, right? Right. Right. Of course. If you see that little string coming out, uh, that me, I mean, you're trying to bang a girl and turns out she's on the rag, you know? Why? But the thing is she knows she's having her period. So why is she, well, read the, you know what she's going to do. She's going to want to either, she's going to want to bang and say it's not a heavy flow day, or she's going to take it in the,

Oh yeah. That's that. That could be. All right. Let's just, this is getting gross. This is like really graphic. It's very graphic because I wasn't really sure what it was at the time. I would have loved if you said what you thought it might be. Uh, she flossing down there. Um, I told her exactly what I was thinking. And he said, this is what he said. This is classic. He says, she said that naked with a leg spread. And he goes, there's a white thing. Dot, dot, dot there. She told me that it was a tan tampon. Yeah. And that she was on her period. She said it was fine and still wanted to have sex. I got really weirded out, not grossed out. I got really weirded out. So I told her that maybe we

should wait. She told me there are other ways I called it. Uh, I was still, or maybe even further freaked out by this girl. So we just went to sleep. Keep in mind that this, this is the first night we ever hung out. Yeah. Why did you let her stay there? Did I do the right thing? Should I meet up with her again? Or is she crazy? I don't, I don't understand. Thanks a lot and go fuck yourself. What, huh? I'm confused. Did I do the right thing by not sleeping with her? Yeah. By not having anal sex with her? Is that or whatever, or just plowing through the fucking storm? If you didn't feel comfortable with it, then you shouldn't have sex with her. Oh, just to make sure that's the right thing. A captain on a ship, just going through the waves.

Captain, you're crazy. We're going to make it your fag. Um, sorry, you put that word in my head. Who did that fucking guy over there? I never say the F word. I say fuck. I don't say fag it. I've tried to take it out. They took, they told me to knock it off and I'm trying. I respect it. You do knock it off. So I say right. Yeah, you know, I'm not trying to be a dick here, but for the longest time you called somebody a fag and had nothing to do. It just meant you were a pussy. We didn't know what we were saying. I know. Yeah, you fucking fag. We got it. We got it. I'm just saying. So anyway, Bill Burr trying to knock it off. I'm trying. The thing is you're so sometimes you're so

I don't know if innocence is the right word, but sometimes you are. You're so dumb. You're so, yeah, you're so dumb about the like the offensiveness that you grew up with. You're always like, what? Everybody said it. You're so defensive about it for so long. Yeah, but you know something, because it's like you honestly don't know any better because yeah, you're dumb. And then finally, enough people explain it to you that you are a human being and you have a heart and you're a sensitive. So you're like, Oh, okay, all right, I won't say any more. Jesus fucking Christ. Like that's the attitude you have about it. It's like you want to be a good person, but you're like, you're angry that you have to like, let go of this part of your past where people just said

fag to each other and it was like, Hey, that's what we say. It's Boston. Well, you know, Jimmy Dore, the great Jimmy Dore actually did a show Friday night. He's so goddamn funny. He has the funniest fucking bit on that on knock it off. Why that's a dumb ad campaign? Because it really is like, you know, Hey, knock it out. It's really like this parental. I don't I don't I don't say, Oh, that's gay or stuff like that. Yeah, he's not saying that that's wrong. Right. To try and get people to stop doing it. But is that the best way to get people to stop doing it by saying, Hey, knock it off. Like you're driving the car and you're their parent, you're swinging it. They're like, I don't want to step on his bit here. Go see Jimmy Dore and request that bit.

So anyway, this young man is saying, did I do the right thing by not sleeping with her? And should I see her again? Because he absolutely freaked out 100%. If she wanted to have straight up vaginal sex, there is not a condom thick enough or all encompassing that would have to take up like it would. You'd have to put it on like underwear, that condom and boxer underwear and then have to all be rubber. You'd have to put on basically a wetsuit that had like a little flappy thing there for your dick. So you did the right thing. Yeah, he would not have felt comfortable having sex with this girl while she he if he already was thrown off by the fact that she had a tampon and if you know, this girl is a pig. Why is she a pig? Because don't defend her just

because she's a woman. And I'm asking a question. I'm defending this. Why is she a pig? Yeah, why is she a pig from her private parts? Yeah, it just is just like, let's fucking have at it. That is some fucking truck stop, large, marred shit. All right, give me a fucking break. I'm not trashing all women, women. This woman here is a pig. He probably no protection. Okay, could have gone in the back door with this girl first fucking date. She's a pig. So what used to you feel like she wasn't ladylike and respecting herself enough or something? This is what I'm thinking. You ever see the club everybody wants to go to and is that long line down the street? Yeah, that's what has been lining up to her, her fucking private parts. Have you ever heard

of the term slut shaming? Have you heard this term that people? Is it something? Well, that's one I've never used. So I don't need to knock that off. I've never heard that knock it off. But have you heard of slut shaming, which is no, but I can I can I can guess what it is. How come the guy does it? A guy's a stud. But if a woman does it, she's a whore. Right. Exactly. And that's the truest thing you'll ever fucking read. Okay, what is the truest thing that if a woman does it, she is a whore. So you believe in that whole double standard? Absolutely. Why is that exactly? Because you this there's no skill involved with you guys getting laid. All you have to do is so this is a skill based thing. And when define skill, the skills that you feel

like you're presenting, you're getting laid as a guy. Tell me all about your amazing skills. Are you done? Are you done? Yeah, for now. Yeah, we've already had this argument. Yes, we talked about it in a bar one time. And I said, Okay, let's turn the tables. All right, let's pretend that I'm holding the fucking bag of gold. And you're coming and trying to get it. Okay, hit on me. Come, come, you know, do it right now, right, right now. I can't. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at it. You know why? Why? Because it's a skill. When women sit there and they go, Oh my God, guys come up to me and they say that dumb stuff. That's all you have to say as a guy. Oh yeah, what would you say? Go ahead, dazzle me. Come up me with your Hey,

baby, what's your sign? Fucking line. What do you got? Convince me. Hey, exactly. Exactly. We have to convince you on stage all year and I thought you were pretty funny. Oh, thanks. Sue. Yeah, and I'll be I'll be and I'll be the girl who's going to deliberately make it difficult. I'm not I'm not good at it. Yeah, I'm not good at hitting on people. That's not my and you know why that is because you didn't have to all you do is put on a spaghetti strapped dress and be like, Oh, did I drop a napkin and you're in the game flirting? I can do, but that's different. That's more like conversational, but no, I'm not good at just walking understand that as a guy, you have to convince a woman to have sex with you. And after you've

convinced her, you have to continue convincing her all the way back to the apartment. You got to keep the plate spinning and any little fucking thing can throw it off. Okay. So because of because of that whole struggle that you poor men have to do in order to get a woman to sleep with you, I can have so bad for you. So because there's that difference then just no respect. And then I'm supposed to that makes it that makes it okay to say if a girl is like, Hey, let's just, you know, I want to have fun with you. Let's let's have sex. All of a sudden she's a slut or a pig and all that. And the guy is like what the hero or the more skilled of the two of them that doesn't make any sense. Are you done? Nia first fucking date. She's sitting there. Okay.

She wants to have sex, whatever, but you're sitting there with a fucking bloody rag hanging out of you. And you don't even know this guy and you just fucking spreading your fucking legs. And he's like, uh, yeah, there's a thing hanging out of there. And she says, there's other ways. I guarantee you, you know what that girl is? That's the girl. When you take out the condom, who goes, God, I hate condoms that fucking girl. If you have a girl ever says, God, I hate condoms immediately run the other direction, go in the bathroom, rub one out, get that dumb idea out of your fucking advice versus a guy ever says, God, I hate condoms run the other way to exactly to keep it fair. No, you're right. No, you're right. I mean,

the idea is so into women's issues right now. You can't see the trees through the forest. This girl is a fucking pig. No, I mean, I, no, I definitely, you're right. A girl who has got a tampon in who's spreading her legs and being like, Hey, and the guy's like, uh, are you on your, what's going on there? And she's like, Hey, there's other ways. It's other ways. I mean, I got any friends. I guess there's like smoother ways to, I don't know. I would never do that. I admit that, but I'm not necessarily throwing all bad judgment behind this girl because maybe she was just drunk and she was probably like, Oh shit, this kid is a babe in the woods. Right. He could have been at this point with her after his first class. Okay. He hasn't been with a lot

of girls. He basically is like, do you ever see that video of those guys who put put a goat in in a fucking cage with a Python? And it doesn't even know it's was horrible. They didn't think that it the goat didn't even know what it was. The fucking snakes like, Oh shit. Yeah. It went literally left and like lick the fucking Python's face, kind of freak the thing out. Like, Whoa, what was that? And then all of a sudden by the time it realizes what it's in the cage with, it's fucking over. So it's terrible. So this guy is the goat and this girl is a snake and he doesn't realize what he's in. And just by dumb in the snake, by dumb luck, by dumb luck, she went to strike and he fucking shook it like fucking mayweather. This is turning into a parable.

The goat and the snake. Well, all right. So basically, clearly this girl as a little too is on a different level than this guy. And perhaps he should maybe find a girl that's this girl probably is at some point in life is going to have the STD fun pack. You know, what's what's included in that fun pack? Little herps, little gonorrhea, probably some crabs, the starter kit, the starter kit, you know, before you move on to the more serious shit like AIDS, Ebola. Herps is forever. So that's pretty intense, I would think. That sounds like an advertising campaign for herpes forever. Herps is forever. But don't they have like, they have like that medicine you could take and keep it at bay? Yeah, that's what they say in the commercials.

Like, and if you have an outbreak, take more or whatever. I don't know. I don't know what they tell you to do. Yeah, that whole commercial is just scary. And it's just like, you know, just because you've taken this and you don't have an outbreak doesn't mean you can't spread it. Right. Do you know I'm happy that makes me feel to be with you? That we don't have the herp. But we don't have the herp. I don't have to worry about that it's forever. Right. Those things when I was single, they scared the fucking shit out of me. And I remember then I hear stuff like even if you wear a condom, that's not 100%. I was just, oh my god. Yeah. I got blisters on my fingers. She's she's a this is not it doesn't

seem like this is the girl for you. She might be a little too advanced or whatever you stop alligator arm in it. This might not be the girl for you. She's a little too advanced. This woman is a fucking war pig. You're not trying to be like tender and, you know, nice. You know what alligator arm means? You don't watch sports. No, I don't. You know what I really don't appreciate when I come down here and having this conversation with you and you want to throw these little sports things at me and you always, you always say, Oh, you don't watch sports or you need the sports thing. Like you have to like remind me that I'm not on the same level as you. Like, so I'm not going to get all your amazing sports references and terms and phrases. And I don't appreciate that.

Can you guys believe that when in 10 minutes of just going on this rant about how dumb I am and how innocent I am with using the word fag and I don't, you have like an innocent heart, but you're dumb and you just respond with rage. The whole way you made me this fucking like simpleton. You have me doing everything but fucking, you know, being a big goof like, Hey, how are you doing? Like walking on the street, like, you know, and accidentally crush somebody to death, trying to hug them. That's how you just painted me. You're like, yeah, you're like, of a, of mice and men. That's how you're painting me within 10 minutes of this. You're a Lenny and of mice and men. That's how you, yeah, that's exactly how you described me. I was too dumb to

know that fucking reference. And then because I say alligator arm is okay. You've seen an alligator, right? Yeah. Do they have long arms? No, they do not. They do not. And it's basically, it's a, uh, it's a sports term. Um, somebody throws you the ball and you could actually reach out and get it, but you don't totally reach out because you're worried about getting hit. Okay. So the alligator, so you alligator arm it. It's like, so, and if you don't catch the ball, the guy can't hit you. Oh, okay. I thought, so I'm saying, so your alligator arm in this, in that you're going, this girl, isn't the girl for you, blah, blah, blah. He's in, he's, he's in there with the fucking pit viper. Right. He's the goat and she's the,

he is, he is the STD free goat and he is walking into a fucking incubator of just, I mean, I mean, this girl probably, I don't, I want to get into it. She's not the girl for you. She's not the girl for you. That's bad advice. Why? This girl is a fucking pig and you have to be supposed to do about it. Tell the whole fucking school. I'm just saying she's not the girl for you. Move on to somebody else who's more your speed. Why is that bad advice? Because you're acting like, you know, she's not into sports, likes to eat and is a morning person and he likes sports and staying up. You know what? This person isn't like, you know, this person isn't for you. I mean, it's like a foodie. It's like, it's a simple way of saying that, that, you know,

you shouldn't move on. That's, that's all it is. No, it's like you're sitting there with the toddler and he's about ready to touch a hot stove. You got to be like, there has to be a sense of urgency here. Like, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, this, this will hurt you. This will hurt. You know, you make that little fucking, cause they don't even speak English. You're trying to fucking speak English. They can't, they can't speak yet. You're trying to fucking, I don't fuck yourself. You're sitting there talking to this person like, hey, try some of this sandwich. Yeah, I didn't really like that bread. Well, maybe you like this bread. Like, it's just like this whimsical, there's too many daisies and what you're saying. This is, this is a very dangerous

situation. This guy should stay away from this girl on all fucking, and all girls like this. She's got a, she's on a period and she has no fucking like, like class. She just opens a leg. Like what was she supposed to do? Pull it out and just go off on it. There's other ways she's suggesting anal. This girl is like, oh, she's a fucking mess. Stay away from this girl. This girl will get pregnant. This girl will give you a fucking disease. This girl will steal your laptop. This girl's a fucking nightmare. Knock it off. All right. All right. Advice for a lady. Dear Bill, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. We're in college together and he's currently taking a semester abroad. Oh, Jesus. We're in Brazil. Before he left, we had a running

joke that I was going to need a vibrator when he left as a surprise parting gift. He got me one. I have a couple friends whose boyfriends bought them sex toys. So while I was a little surprised, he actually got me a vibrator. I also happened to know that it's a relatively normal, it's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that. Yeah, that's basically like this era's chastity belt. You're trying to lock down the pussy. That's disgusting. Yeah, but that's what he's doing though. Anyway, yeah, but it's done because those things, you use them too much. They numb up your area there and then the guy can't even remotely try and do something for it. And then you got to be sitting there banging them as they're using the thing. It's like you and an alien are fucking this girl.

You're an alien. That's just all dick. Has no body. All right, whatever. Let's move on. What I'm basing it on, basing my fucking life. I did live a little bit of a life before I met you. I realized that. All right. Anyway, fast forward to about a week ago. We were on Skype. He asked you to take this thing out. No, we don't have sex chats. Thank God. And he casually asked me how his gift for me was working out. I told him it was working out pretty well. He then mentioned that he had bought something for himself, a flashlight. Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the flashlight every week. Those are very weird. Those are very weird. But okay. They look like that thing Boba Fett fell into when he died in one of those space movies.

I knew he tried to be faithful to her. That's nice. Okay. He said, she goes, I knew what this was because I am an avid listener of Joe Rogan's podcast. There you go. Joe Rogan's come up three times in this podcast who raves about it constantly. My boyfriend had never mentioned to me that he was interested in anything like that. And I always thought the idea of it was totally creepy. I acted like it was totally cool, but in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake. Wait, I got lost in that. I actually was thinking is Joe going to get mad that I'm saying that this is weird. Okay. I acted like it was totally cool, but in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake vagina whenever he wants to. I'm finding

myself getting crazy jealous and angry whenever I think about it. I know, I know I'm jealous of an inanimate object, which seems insane. Let me finish. I'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely okay with it since it's sort of a hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator. But now I'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo. So I wouldn't be able to complain when he got himself a proxy pussy proxy pussy. So what do you think? Do I need to suck it up and get over this? Or is my jealousy legitimate? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Let him go fuck his fake pussy. As long as he's not faking a real pussy, I mean, fucking a real pussy, then you know, it's all good. Plus you it's not just like

the the pussy that it's that he's missing. He's also missing like, you know, your touch and kissing and the whole other part of it too. And that fake pussy can't blow him either. No, he isn't. He's getting right to the dessert. Don't be jealous. Have you tried these Brussels sprouts? Don't need them. Don't be jealous. Bring over the trace leche. When he comes back, it'll be even better because you both have been like doing it with inanimate objects. And so it's like you'll be rediscovering each other all over again, it'll be even better. I don't think I don't even worry. I don't think it's a good thing. Why? Because once you start down a path, sexually, you know, in order to get off that path, you don't just jump over onto another path, you got to walk all the way back up the path

you went down, get to the fork where you fucked up and then head down the other one. What I'm saying is, he might get used to just doing that. And the sensation of that is what gets him off. And then when her pussy doesn't feel like the fleshlight, it'll feel better. He'll he'll bang her. And then, and then when he needs to finish, she'll be like, all right, and now for me, what that fucking thing? No, no, she'll feel even better. If anything, he'll be like, Oh my god, I forgot what a real woman feels like and he'll be done in like two minutes. That's what you hope. I don't think she should be jealous of it, though. They're both they're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship and you're that far apart from each other. Because he could

I bang all sorts of hairy European girls, no offense to hairy European girls, but I'm just saying, you know, listen, I watched this thing one time or listen to it on the radio. One of those call in sex shows. And this guy had a way he jerked off. He dry humped the rug. It was causing like chafing on his dick. And it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship for a while. And he kept doing that. And I don't know. So I'm just saying like, I would go easy on those. It's like anything, anything in moderation. Yeah, how often is he using this? And how often is she using that? If you use a vibrator too much, you numb yourself up down there. And then when you guys down there, you can't feel anything. It's so disgusting. Um, overrated underrated for the

week overrated the Super Bowl underrated rounds one and two of the NFL playoffs. Bill, this may be sacrilegious to say in America, but I actually enjoy rounds one and two of the NFL playoffs more than the Super Bowl. That isn't sacrilegious because at no point does Beyonce or Britney Spears sing before. And in the halftime show, there's not a bunch of douchebags who don't like football showing up feeling like they have to be there, you know, all the broads. Why do you look? Yeah, why are you looking at me? Because you go to Super Bowl parties every year and you hate football. Yeah, well, they're fun. They're nice gatherings. And I talk when the game's on. I let no, I don't run. Yeah. When the most important game is on. It's disgusting. If you do it again,

this year, we're breaking up each week. You get two games both on Saturday and Sunday. There seems to be that we can win this thing. Excitement in the air and I can relax and watch the games in the comfort of my home or at a local bar without dozens of non fans in the room, as is typically the case at a Super Bowl party. Super Bowl, on the other hand, has become so pretentious in recent years. I don't even really want to get worked up for it as much as I used to. The game takes forever. 85% of the commercial sucks. And we're forced to stare at Madonna's beat up face for 30 minutes during a halftime show. Plus the two week gap in between the Super Bowl and the conference champion really takes the air out of the sales. What are your thoughts?

I think this is what you do. You watch the Super Bowl alone and you tape it and you start watching it. You DVR it and you watch, you let, you let, you give the game a 90 minute head start. And then, then you just sit down, you watch it by yourself and you plow through the pre-game and you just watch the fucking game. And when the halftime show comes, you fast forward through that and now you're into the third quarter and third quarter and fourth quarter, it's going to be regular time football. That's the way to watch the Super Bowl and you watch it by yourself, maybe with another buddy of yours who that enjoys the game. That's how I would do it. You know, no thoughts on that? No. But what about the social aspects?

You're going to have brownies during the opening. You're going to have cheese doodles. Oh my God, the way the broads talk during that fucking game. And then, and then, and it's true. And then everybody shuts up to watch the commercials. And then, and then the game comes back on the, uh, I thought that one was lame. What did you think? Well, that's definitely the best one so far. How much did that cost? Well, why don't you stop going to Super Bowl parties then, Bill? Why don't you stop if you don't like the game? I don't do any of that stuff that you're talking about. I don't like needlepoint. I don't go to your fucking needlepoint party store. I don't go to needlepoint. I don't do needlepoint. What do you do? Arts and crafts? I don't crash your

Super Bowl or those things and come there and talk when you're trying to glue the popsicle sticks together and then shut the fuck up when I don't talk throughout the game. I go in the other room or I hang out with other people if there's lies, lies, lies. Yeah. No, that's not true. Okay. That's the Monday morning podcast. Oh, before I get out of here. You still taste it when you chase it with the Coca-Cola? Making wish they couldn't race it out the Motorola? I told her, no credit for a bag. If you want what they got, then go get it. It's all gang. Only in America, could you find a way to earn a healthy buck and still keep your attitude or self-destruct? I sell rhymes like dimes. The one who mostly keep cash, but tell

about the broke times. Ok, rhymes like, is you just happy to see me trick? Classical slapstick, rappers need chapstick. A lot of them sound like they ain't a talent. So I give them something to remember like the Alamo. Tally-ho, high-toe collect space game. Came back from five years laying. Stayed the same saying. Electromagnetic field with black or logic. Spark and G-shock are biological clock. When I hit it, slid it to the shit. I thought I killed a goose. A power use was pure brother water, filtered juice. Keep a pen like a fin, keep a bike with him. Gentleman who doesn't depend to a friend. Right with him. Never seen the shit again, but he's still my dunny. Only thing that come between us is killing money. We sell rhymes like

dimes. The one who mostly keep cash, but tell about the broke times. Final recordings. 1999. Yeah. Now what are you supposed to say on the end of records? I don't know. Yeah. Woo. Yeah. Fash potatoes. Apple sauce. Buttery. Biscuits. And I get lost. Yes, yes, yes, yes, y'all. Don't stop. Keep on. Till the break of dawn. Say what? Oh, yeah. Hey, you thought it was over. You thought it was over. Ah. Reject you. Reject you.

Woo. Listen, it's at www.hairline.com. MF Doom. Coop by Love.