Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-15

Episode Date: October 2, 2015

Bill rambles into his iPhone about travel tips, yachting and water taxi's.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. Sorry about the recording here. I am in Washington, D.C. and I forgot to bring my laptop because I did not pack the night before.

Because I went out with some friends and we hung out. And I was like, I am only leaving for a couple of days. I wake up the morning, throw a couple of shirts and some pants and a fucking backpack and I will be fine. And you know, didn't work out and I forgot my fucking laptop. So if you are listening to this right now, on a Thursday it is a fucking miracle because somehow I figured out how to download the Dropbox app and send this thing to my good friend Andrew to put this thing up. So we will see and I have already made an attempt at this and it was really quiet. And then the screen, once the screen cuts out, the recording stops.

So occasionally I have to touch the fucking screen to keep this thing going. In other words, it is going to be a really fucked up podcast here. So just hang in there with me. That is all I need you to do is hang in here. And by the way, I am going to give you guys a couple of travel tips. A lot of people go out and they buy those stupid bows, fucking headsets, those noise canceling things, where somehow it mimics the frequency of whatever the fuck is going on in the area around you so then you can't hear anything. So then your ear doesn't vibrate, I have no fucking idea. Or as your ear vibrating like a motherfucker, you just can't hear it right now.

I have no idea. But all I know is there a lot of fucking money. Just go get yourself some earplugs. That's all you need. Stick jam some fucking earplugs. I brought some this morning and I was so psyched that I did because I got on the flight and there was this stewardess. God bless her. And I know you are not supposed to call him stewardess.

You are not supposed to call him that. What are you supposed to call him now? Flight attendants? Is that what we are supposed to call him? That's right. You know why? Because stewardess was a racial slur back in the day. Those were fighting words.

And they had to march on Washington and all that. What the fuck was wrong with stewardess? Flight attendant. Flight attendant. Like you're helping somebody fly. You're not. You know, you're a fucking matri-d slash waitress. You're multitasking.

All right? Stewardess. Matri-d and waitress. You're a matress. Whatever the fuck you are. So this lady is on the plane, right? This lady. God bless her.

She's sweet as hell. But she's just super fucking nice. Super fucking chatty. She won't shut the fuck up. All right? And she's annoying the shit out of me. But I got my earplugs. You know those stewardesses that they just lack?

They just go into mental shutdown. You know, as they go row to row to row. And if they're asking basically the same question, you know, would you like some snacks? You know what I mean? They have an inability to improvise that line. Like would you like some snacks? Excuse me, snacks?

Snacks, anybody? Hey, how you doing? I got some snacks. You know, I just banged out five rows. Did not have a problem. I could have done another 15 before I repeated. But you know those stewardesses, or male stewardesses, whatever the fuck they were,

who have an inability to do that? This is what I had. And she had a fucking super annoying voice. And she was handing out this survey thing to everybody. And she was just going down the aisle. She was coming from behind me. And I just kept hearing, pardon me? Pardon me?

Pardon me? And she finally comes up to me and she goes, pardon me? And it's like, are you trying to get by? Like what are you fucking saying? Right? Why do you keep fucking saying pardon me? Pardon me? Why do you keep saying pardon me?

The exact same way. Pardon me? And then finally somebody didn't respond to her. And she went, pardon me? Would you like to fill out our survey? She was doing that the whole fucking flight. And what was killing me was I seemed to be the only person getting annoyed by her. Because everybody else just kept talking to her.

Kept asking her questions. And then you had to hear an annoying fucking voice. And I just want to yell out, will you stop fucking talking to it? Just let it go by. And I hit. Yeah. That's why I said it. Just let it fucking go by.

Get it out of here. Don't engage. I was literally treating it the way I used to treat. Like when I was living in New York, how you treat a crazy person. The second they came on your subway car. The fucking rule was don't look at it. Don't look at it.

And it won't see you. And it'll go right by. You become fucking invisible. But the second you make eye contact. It's over. And this fucking jerk off in front of me. You know? Go, oh, is this what they offer on United?

I haven't flown United in a while. Oh, really? Like you're a professional passenger. You dumb fuck. Nobody cares. Nobody cares that you know what the fucking snacks are on Piedmont or whatever the fuck you fly. Trans World Air. I remember Treads World Air.

I used to get it on Apple. Of course, he was right in front of me. And I was just staring daggers into the back of his head. But anyways, I can't really complain about her because she was super nice. But her voice was so fucking annoying. And she would just be like water, water, water. Five fucking hours of that. The only way to describe it.

Do you guys ever see that movie, Misery? Imagine if that movie was rated G, right? Like she wasn't fucking like sawing your feet off like she did in the book or just broke your ankles in the movie. Right? She wasn't doing that shit. But just like James Cahn, you couldn't fucking leave. You were trapped. You know, but it's rated G.

It's only for five fucking hours. It's exactly what it was like, you know? I was sleeping and at one point when I opened my eyes, I thought she was going to be right in my face. Like that fucking lady there, whatever her name is. Elizabeth Coe Harrington. What was the name of that? She's a fucking great ass. Elizabeth Bates.

Nancy Bates. Why do I think Elizabeth? Because she looks like an Elizabeth. Same way I look like a skippy. Let's plow ahead here. So anyways, we finally fucking land. You know what's great too? Was the Wi-Fi did not work on the plane.

Why the fuck you would want Wi-Fi? You're already closer to the sun. You're already getting radiated. Let's fucking add a satellite. Just fucking zap in the top of your fucking skull for the entire five hours. I'm calling it right now. Somebody's going to die of some fucking Wi-Fi shit in the air. I don't know what's going to happen.

Oh no. No. No. Oh good. Oh, it's still going. I saw the screen cut out. I was like, oh fuck. Did I have to start it over again?

What did you do if there was an axe murder just walked into my room and that was the level of emotion I had? Oh no. No. No. That was my acting ability. Oh fuck, I thought if the screen went black it was going to shut off again like it did last time.

Many heart attacks there. What the fuck? Come back on. Come back on. Come back on. Where did you go? Why does it keep cutting out on me? I need to see that it's recording or I'm going to be freaking out here.

And for all you people laughing at me right now, fuck you. I'm an old man. I don't understand these things. I don't pretend to understand them. So anyways, so I land Washington Dulles like a fucking inexperienced douche. Every time I go to DC, I always say, you know what? Next time I'm going to land at Ronald Reagan. That's actually, you know, fucking in the downtown area rather than 45 fucking miles

outside of the city. But fortunately I landed at seven o'clock and the traffic was headed out rather than in. But there's a couple of hellacious fucking airports like that. Like next time you go to Dallas, don't go to their main fucking, those airports where they're an airport and they also have their own subway system. You really don't want to be because they're usually way the fuck outside. I mean, I guess Dallas is, Dallas isn't that bad. You know what sucks about Dallas is when you go to connect, you know?

When you go to connect, you're never in the right terminal. And the way they did it is it goes A, B, C, D. Like A's on top, B's on the bottom, C's on top, D's on the bottom. And I think there's an E or something like that except the thing goes in a circle. Is that Mike Vick on the fucking Steelers? When the hell did that happen? Dude, Ben Rothesberger, I saw him the other day with just like a regular shirt on. He looks like some fucking fan in the upper deck.

That guy is just, he's fucking aging. You know, it hats off to him for allowing himself to age naturally. You know what I mean? Like Tom Brady's like the fucking hot chick walking around in fucking uggs and stuff, getting his hair highlighted, experimenting with different haircuts. You know, Ben Rothesberger is like, you know, a character, actor, or an out of shape actress, you know? Like if he was an actress, they'd call what he's doing right now brave.

You know what I mean? They're always big on that. They're big on that word in the acting community. Everything's fucking brave. And you did the movie without makeup. It was such a brave performance. Oh fuck, are they wearing pink again this goddamn year? You know what I like about it though?

There's only a little bit of pink. And I called it right now. The NFL is gradually trying to phase out the pink October. Next year they're just going to have a wristband because eventually somebody, look at how fat his fucking face is. Ben Rothesberger's face. Dude, he goes to Buffalo Wild Wings all week and then he just comes out and slings it on Sunday, man.

You got to love that guy, unless you're a woman in a bathroom. But other than that, this guy is just a fucking old school, he's an old school football player, right? That was a low blow. You got to quit it twice, you know? Twice. That's the key word in that sentence, twice. I'm calling it right now.

They're gradually going to phase out this pink shit in the NFL because eventually somebody with enough pull is going to do a research. He's going to do some research and realize how little fucking money trickles down to anybody, right? What the fuck do I know? I've just gone on a couple of websites. Anyways, what am I doing here? I'm watching a football game and doing this as a fucking ADD maniac.

Let me turn my back here. You can't turn your back on football. It's like turning your back on America. Hey, you know what? Somebody came up with a great retort here for those fucking English cons and all those fucking douchebags who think they're so fucking smart. They always go, why are you cal football? Football, mate.

You don't even fucking carry it with your hands. You should call fucking handball. Somebody tweeted me that his friend goes, well, then why the fuck don't you call it football? You're using both feet. All right, there. There's a little clever one right back at you. If you guys were so fucking smart, you would have called it football,

not football. How about that? Huh? Little tit for tat there? Look at this fucking awful shit they laid out here. You know what? I hate when somebody has an appetizer and their consideration of an appetizer

is an array of different pickles. I got two fucking breadsticks here that look like chopsticks. Some fucking cheese that look like, well, I guess cheese is like rotted milk anyways. What have we got here? Got some nuts. I don't like this hotel. The hotel I'm staying at is for young people.

It's for people in their 20s, right? For them to fucking do selfies and flash the peace sign and then hashtag YOLO. It's one of those fucking hotels. I'm an old man, all right? I don't like air conditioning. It gives me a cold. It makes my throat raspy.

How the fuck do you shut it off? Does that option exist or did Apple build this fucking thing and it's no longer an option? I'm really down on that fucking products, everybody. Did you have you notice that you're only allowed two options now with all of their shit? It's basically do it now or maybe later. Remind me later.

They've completely gotten rid of the fuck off option. Fuck off, I don't want this. And I'll tell you right now, it's a slippery slope. I think people are going to gradually get used to not having an option. Like, here, this is what it is. This is what it is. And you can either do it this way or you can do it that way, but you cannot opt out on any fucking level.

And then they're going to gradually microchip us. Oh, fucking Steelers, three and out. I got to tell you, Mike Vick is looking really sharp in that Steeler Jersey. You know what I mean? Who was the other guy they had? They had an African, they've had a couple of African-American quarterbacks. The last guy cried, you know what I mean? So they're like, all right, you know what?

We'll just have a coach. Coaches don't cry. Players cry every once in a while, you know? What was that guy's name? I don't fucking know. Anyway, so I actually saw something cool when I was coming into DC. Anytime you fly into DC, there's always some sort of presidential contact. You know what I mean?

You feel like he's right around the corner. You're going to see him. All of a sudden they block off the streets. If you stay here longer, the motorcade goes by, right? And all the jaded people who fucking... Does this thing keep cutting out? I hope it doesn't cut out. No, no, because it keeps going, right?

This is fucking awful. How do you guys learn about this shit? You know what I mean? The thing just shows up and it doesn't fucking tell you anything. And then what? You got to go into those little chat rooms. Send a couple of emojis. Please help me.

I'm an old man. Fucking emoji. Is that what you're supposed to do? That's a fumble, right? Nope. He dropped the pink football. All right, anyway, so I'm driving into DC. I'm actually riding it.

And I see this fucking helicopter just fucking cruise it. It looked like it wasn't any more than 200 feet off the surface, going right down the fucking Potomac. You know? I see how it's got... All I can see is the red light, so I know it's going from right to left because the red's always on the left.

The green... Your positionary lights in aviation. The green's always on the right. And the other one's... Whatever, the fucking... The left is always the red, which I actually took a fence to in ground school. It's like, why are we red?

Why? It's just going back to the 1800s, where if you wrote with your left hand, you were the devil. You know, this fire in hell. The devil's red, right? Is that what the fuck it is? And if you're on the right,

you sat on the right hand of the father, and now all your fucking options are open to you. Is that what it is above? Anyway, so the thing's fucking cruising around. The dude driving me in said that they... Whenever they fly the president via helicopter, that they always have three helicopters. And he's only in one of them, right?

So if anybody's going to try to do anything crazy, they got a one in three chance of fucking... I don't know, making it happen. I have no fucking idea. But speaking of that, you know what? I actually... I bought another one of these yachting magazines, because it's just fucking hilarious to me that the...

This one's called Show Boats, right? And on the cover it says, to boldly go where no man has gone before, and they're talking about the Northwest Passage from death trap to trendy fucking transit and the Bermuda Triangle, true tales of the unexplained. So that was actually interesting as hell.

But then like peppered in between the stories is like... Just like an advertisement for like a $250,000 fucking watch. Watch. My voice should have cracked then. So we just can walk around with the Ferrari. And then they got this one page that says, owner's club where readers of the magazine you become part of the owner's club

and you send in a picture of you and your creepy fucking rich family, you know? So they got this old ass fucking guy, right? He looks like he's at least 70. His wife sent his... It looks like to be in her 50s, boat talks out, and then they got three fucking creepy kids

that are like only in like their teens and 20s, you know? And they all looked a little fucked up, you know what I mean? Because rich people want to hold on to their money, so they sit there and they kind of fucking the same cul-de-sac out there on the Hamptons. And after a while they all start looking like each other, you know what I mean?

Then they got these weird sort of ailments, like purebred dogs, like they can't go swimming because their ears always fill up with water. They can't come out and then they get like these fucking infections or something. I have no idea, but anyways, these cunts want to start sailing up the Amazon River. Do you know what I realize?

There's no fucking way I'm going to be able to do the advertising because I'm too afraid to leave... I'm too afraid to leave this area, like it's going to... of my phone, like it's going to shut off. So I'm just going to have to go straight through Like I said, dude, if you guys are actually hearing this, this is an absolute miracle.

So anyways, these cunts want to fucking, you know, sail their yachts up the Amazon River. Why would you want to do that? You know why? Because you're sick of going to these fucking eyes-wide shut parties. And no matter where you took your yacht, there's some other cunt there going like,

oh yeah, I've taken my boat there and you want to have something new to talk about, right? You got a $250,000 watch, he's got a $260,000 watch, you feel bored. You know what I mean? How are you going to get some 50-year-old Botox woman to come over and jump on your 80-year-old dick, you know,

and fuck you on your helipad on your boat? How the fuck are you going to do that? You know, you got to take your boat where no other people go. So these cunts are going to go up the Amazon River, right? And, you know, this pristine area, you got people living up there where, you know, how people used to live hundreds and thousands of fucking years ago,

whatever the fuck it is, I don't know. But you know what's cool is there's pirates up and down that thing. So at some point, one of these rich cunts is going to get killed. I guarantee you, I can't even give a fuck if they can't, like, board the boat. At some point, someone's going to be like,

well fuck it then, I'll just climb up a tree and I'll shoot one of these fucking darts at them, whatever they do, you know? Aren't there some cannibalistic fucking tribes out there? How great would that be? How great would the fucking meat be? Those rich people, they must be like veal. After all these fucking years

of fighting other tribes, you know, these guys are fucking, you know, climbing trees and running through the forest. They're fucking athletes, they're tough, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, take this NFL game here, man. If you were going to eat somebody who went to this NFL game, right, you wouldn't want to eat an NFL player.

I'm saying if you're playing Crash, you had to fucking do it. You're on the team flight, right? You don't want to eat an NFL player. I mean, that guy's fucking shredded, you know what I mean? Maybe alignment. They'd be eating like a fucking ribeye. You know, nice and marble, find a good cut of meat.

This fucking underbelly would be like that fucking, the underbelly, like all the Japanese guys like that fucking, that sushi, right? That's fucking disgusting, but I'm just saying, so what, it's disgusting to us because we have all these options. You know, first world problems is people like to say, I love when people say, oh, first world problem.

Well, I live in a first world, so everything I have is a first world problem. I could be completely fucking dead ass, a homeless guy in the United States has first world problems, okay? Shitting on a subway, great. You know what I mean? Exposing himself so he can get a night in jail

and maybe get some fucking, some porridge, whatever the fuck they feed prisoners, right? That's still a first world problem because he's part of our economy. You know what I mean? You know, it's funny, if somebody lives in a third world, can't get a girlfriend, is that a third world problem? It's still a third world problem.

It's a third world and no one will suck his dick, right? I need some clarification on this. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Okay, so you got these fucking tribes or whatever, these people that, you know, they got one pair of shorts their whole life, you know what I mean? The environmental footprint, the carbon footprint is basically nothing, you know?

And now here come these rich cunts up the river and I'm calling it right now. For the first time in the history of the world, a billionaire is going to get eaten. He's going to shrink down his fucking head, you know? I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. His watch will end up at the bottom of the fucking Amazon. It really is actually, you know, something,

there's a lot about, to be serious here for the first time in 21 fucking minutes, there's a lot about owning a boat and navigating it that overlaps with aviation as far as like compasses and, you know, magnetic deviation and variation and dead reckoning. And then also that sinking fucking feeling that you just killed yourself.

When something out of the ordinary happens, when a light comes on or something like that, there's no way unless you fly or you own a boat and you leave where you can't see land, there's no way to describe that fucking nauseating feeling of, oh fuck, am I that guy? Which of course is totally balanced out by the unbelievable thrill of it.

I remember, I took a long time ago, not a long time ago, it was like three years ago, it seems like a long time ago, I was in Boston, I was staying in the North End, it was fucking great and I was doing that movie The Heat and my wife came to town and so I wanted to take her out and they had these water taxis.

So I was like, ah, I had a little romance to this thing, we'll jump on the water taxi and we'll go over to this different part of the city and we'll go get something to eat or whatever, I came up with the fuck we were doing and I gotta tell you something, man, I got that out there on that boat, all right? And we were going by and this guy knew all this shit

and he goes, look at that giant boat, you see that giant boat right there, that boat's owned by the fucking owner of the Red Sox, it was this giant fucking yacht, right? And I'm terrified of the ocean and that type of shit, you know what I mean? But I gotta admit, the second I got out there on that boat immediately, the temptation

to do something fucking illegal was off the charts. There's no way I could own a boat. Well, I wouldn't do it. The fear of fucking going to jail and then getting fucking butt-raped, that always keeps you in line, doesn't it? But still, you know what I mean? You're just thinking like, too, nobody's gonna stop.

What is gonna stop me if I took a kilo from this city to another city, you know? Then you gotta interact with them, right? Who the fuck's gonna give you the kilo? What the fuck's that guy gonna do? All of a sudden, he fucking, he comes on the boat with you and they see an OEP. He does a Kleinfeld, right?

One of my favorite fucking characters of all time. I never tell you guys how much I love that movie that I can't remember the name of, but I don't remember Sean Penn's character's name. Carlitos Way. Lawyer. You ain't a lawyer, Kleinfeld. You a gangster.

Hey, I'm not getting mad at you, huh? That guy always got the fucking, the cough. There's a lot of great character actors in that movie. But anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Oh, FanDuel, can I make fun of FanDuel? They've never fucking advertised in this podcast. Do you realize how fucking reprehensible it is that all of these sports leagues are getting in bed

with the sports book after all these years of them fucking sitting there talking about how, you know, the gambling ruins their sport. And as long as it doesn't ruin their sport, they don't give a fuck what happens to your life. You know what I mean? And if you've noticed in the, you know what? I don't give a fuck if they never come back.

I can't, I can't, I gotta say something here. I just have to. It's just, it's low hanging fruit. Dude, if you notice in those commercials, all they show is like three or four fucking winners. That's it. Okay, the rest of them fucking lose. I gotta tell you something, man.

Like that fucking gambling thing is a goddamn fucking disease that you do not want to get involved in. I'm telling you right now. Okay, you know what's funny is I'm gonna shit on it and I also have a great idea for it. All right? I think it's, it's, it's, it's actually not even reprehensible that baseball, after what they've done with Pete Rose

and that type of stuff has gotten bed with these fucking guys. I will say this. It's just, it's almost, it's more, it's kind of just honest. Like, yeah, all we give a fuck about is making money. Like we don't give a shit. Well, I mean, what are they gonna do next? You know what I mean? What the fuck are they, you know what they're gonna do?

Is they're gonna legalize weed. We's gonna be legal and then they're gonna have commercials on TV and they'll get in bed with those fucking guys and they'll sell their players that they can't fucking use it. You can't, you can't smoke weed. You can't gamble, but our fans can do whatever they want. And then you just start, you know, just start selling cocaine. Just have them advertise fucking blow, you know,

you know, those, those movable fucking billboards behind the home plate or whatever. Now, having said all that, fan duel and draft kinks, I have a great idea for you guys if you want to land a whale. All right? Because probably what you're thinking right now is, all right, well, we're getting all these bottom feeders, you know, because you know, like basically you pick your team

and then you have a salary cap. And you know that the salary cap basically represents those, you know, the green zero in the green double zero on, in the roulette wheel, which I'm, you know, I'm certainly not a mathematician, but from what I've overheard in conversations and bars is that unbelievably tips it in the casino's favor to the point they can't fucking lose, right?

Which is the whole point of opening a fucking casino. I mean, you don't want to fucking lose. So, you know, the salary cap represents the green zero and the green double zero on the fucking roulette wheel. So I have an idea. So maybe, I don't know, if you want to attract a bigger spending clientele is you let, you, you let the super rich. All right, what they have to do is they have,

you have a luxury tax. You see, you basically make it like a soft cap like they do in baseball, right? Where basically everybody has to adhere to this salary cap unless you got money like the Red Sox and the Yankees, at which point you can go beyond it, but then you have a luxury tax, except the luxury tax doesn't go to the poor bastards who fucking lost their shirt.

Like basically the bottom feeder gamblers who are like the Kansas cities and those teams, Kansas cities back now, no disrespect them. San Diego or whatever. These teams that can't afford to spend money like the Yankees and Red Sox basically, right? Instead of the money going to them, it goes to you guys at Fanduil and DraftKings, right?

And then all you do is have your nerdy mathematician, some cunt from MIT, figure out a way that with the luxury tax, it looks like, you know, they can feel the better team and it looks like the odds are increasingly in their favor, but they have to gamble a certain amount of money. You got to put a certain amount of money down and then you do a little fucky fuck with the numbers with your nerdy little MIT mathematician.

And next thing you know, you got some whale on the hook and now he's chasing it, right? He's doing the luxury tax thing. One of those fucking Wall Street cunts, you know? So there you go. So I shit on you and I also gave you a decent idea. Just have one of your nerds work it out. All right, there you go.

Um, I'm walking around for some dumb reason. Uh, what are that, 29 minutes? I got another 50 seconds to eat up here and then I'm going to watch this fucking game and I'm going to order room service and I'm not going to drink and I'm not going to smoke a cigar, even though last night I smoked two cigars back to back and I had a couple of drinks.

I'm trying everybody, you know what I mean? I got my fucking vices. Um, oh, I had a good idea for cigars too. I can't even remember what the fuck that is. I literally feel a cold coming on. This is how old I am. I fucking stayed in a hotel for fucking 30 minutes doing this goddamn shit with the air conditioner on

and I feel like I'm having a cold. Having a cold, catching a cold. All right, anyways, the reason why I'm all over the place is I'm so fucking anxious that I'm not going to be able to figure out how to fucking upload this thing onto Dropbox. Why do you keep fucking closing on me? I gotta put the password in.

Um, all right, whatever, that's 30 minutes. Now, you know what, now I gotta fucking, uh, well, let's see if I can do this. Let's see if I can close this. Oh, it is still recording. It's still recording. Would you look at that? All right, so I can do my advertising.

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Okay. God bless you. Have a great weekend, your constant. I'll talk to you on Monday. Oh, can I digress for half a second? Do you know what's the 20th anniversary of Nirvana's Never Mind? And I bought Spin Magazine. They had this giant article and everybody was talking about it.

And for the majority of people were just like, dude, when that album came out, man, I was just like, fuck hair metal. This is something different and it's fucking over. Was I the only guy who heard that album and was just kind of like, hey, you know, I kind of still like White Snake. I did. I was too far down the hair metal trail. I didn't realize how good Nirvana was.

And I hated Pearl Jam. Fucking hated them. I hated Eddie Vedder's stupid, I'm in a trance on purpose face. Even when he sit there and he'd fucking have his arms up and his wrists were all fucking limp and he was making those faces on fucking purpose. He looked like he should have been on wrestling or something. He's crazy Eddie Vedder. I hated that fucking, I still hate that fucking album.

Even Flow. Hated. I like their other stuff, Vitalgy. I like when he stopped making the faces. You know what he was like? He was like Mel Gibson in the first Lethal Weapon when he was acting like he was suicidal and it was so awful they had to make him stop. That's what Eddie Vedder was like in the first Pearl Jam.

And then they'd go to fucking interview. Do you ever see that interview Kurt Loder did? If somebody can find this fucking video, they interview Eddie Vedder and he's like literally in like the fetal position, licking his face like he doesn't want to be interviewed. It's like Eddie, you don't have to do the interview. You could just say, yeah, I'm suffering from exhaustion and everyone will think you have a coke problem but who gives a fuck, right? So I wasn't into any of that shit.

I didn't get into Nirvana until probably 1993. And by then I noticed everybody was wearing flannel shirts and smashing pumpkins and all my bands were gone, banished, never to be returned until that metal show came back. I tried umphantly to bring back my music but yeah, I was late. I was definitely late. So I guess the article would suck. I'm such a moron. I was upset that no one said that basically in the article.

Like why would they say that, Bill? They're trying to commemorate a fucking masterpiece of an album. Why would they have a bunch of people going, you know, I thought I didn't think anything about it. I thought Pearl Jam sucked but I really, I was still listening to what the fuck I was listening to. The fuck was I listening to in the early 90s? I actually tried to get into jazz. I was flailing and just completely not progressing in my drumming at all. So I thought if I listened to jazz I would get better.

And I like big band swing and you know, I saw all the great drummers. I used to go to the regatta bar in Boston. I saw Tony Williams. I saw Tony Williams in a fucking bar that held like a hundred people. Louis Belson, I went up and shook his hand. I'm standing behind his drum kit. It was fucking ridiculous. Roy Haynes, I saw Max Roach, I saw all these guys.

Didn't improve my drumming at all. That's what the fuck I was doing. And I was hanging out with my drum teacher who was like 70 years old. I don't know if I need to add this at this point, but yes, there was no pussy in my life at that point. So anyways, yeah, I kind of missed the beginning of the grunge thing. I'm not a Gen X. I think I'm old enough to be Gen X, but I'm not. I am a hair metal fucking 80s kid.

That's who I am. I watched Family Ties, Full Metal Jacket, The Lost Boys. That was my shit. That was when I came up. I can't help it that that's what the muse, I thought Cinderella was a good band. What did I know? Just a fucking redhead kid in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, so everybody was just going, I just heard it and I stopped in my tracks and I was like, what the fuck is this?

It's like, how did everybody know that? I remember being annoyed by their first video. When Kurt goes to take the fucking solo and he pretends like he's doing the tap on solo, like basically making fun of all the bands that I was listening to. And I was kind of like, who's this douche? You know, you call that a fucking solo? Just basically playing the goddamn melody of the song through a fucking distortion pedal? I'm not saying any of these thoughts were right. I think the guys are fucking genius and the album's fucking unbelievable, but that's where my head was at.

That is honestly where my head was at. Like when Axl Rose had his run in backstage with them at whatever awards show that was when the bass player and now Senator threw it up in the air and it fucking crashed down on his forehead. And I believe Dana Carvey was hosting going, did you see what that fucking guy just did? I was rooting for Axl Rose. I think the only thing that I did, respectively, as far as my music listening, between 1988 and 1992 was I never bought Guns N' Roses, Use Your Illusion 1 or 2. I hated the fucking band by that point when they had Dizzy and Lizzie and all these other fucking guys and they had Matt Sorum and the whole fucking band was gone. And he was running around in goddamn biker shorts and he had that stupid white fucking windscreen. It just, it was unfucking believable. It just went right down the shitter.

So that's where I was at. I was sitting there going, I can't believe they kicked Stephen Adler out. That guy's a phenomenal fucking drummer. Changed the whole sound of the goddamn band. Now Izzy left. That's what I was thinking of. I wasn't, my libido, a mosquito. Look at the windshield. Is that a mosquito? I wasn't listening to any of that. Yeah! I didn't listen to any of it. And then that fucking dude came out. That's when I started feeling old. I think when that album came out. And then Smashing Pumpkins came out. And whatever the fuck he was singing about. Cats, Siamese, Twins. The hell was that song? I don't know. This bad all my rage. All that shit. I was trying. I was trying so hard.

But by then I was like 25 years old and I gotta tell you it's fucking over. It's over. Music is for young people. Alright, there you go. If you wanted to relive the early 90s through my fucking eyeballs there it was. Jesus Christ, was that long enough for you? Alright, question number two. Hey Bill, I'm a regular listener and first time writer. I need your advice on something. 26 years old and I was together with a lady for close to a year and a half. Before dating her I was pretty much a dog. You know your typical manhore type. No, I know nothing about that. I'd basically bang anything with the skirt on it. Well don't ever go to Scotland. Thank you! I'll be here all week! But this girl was different. I knew her for a while before we started dating and we were amazing friends. Anyways, I won't blab on too much. But dating her was great. Her relationship with her dad was good so she didn't have any issues and shit.

But like in the middle of the relationship I noticed her co-worker would be extra flirty with her and stuff. Oh Jesus! If this was a TV show they would introduce that and then they would go to commercial and you'd be like oh but I want to see what's going to happen. Well here we go. We're back from commercial. I always told her how it made me uncomfortable and that and shit that the dude always tried to get with her and stuff. Wait I thought this was a woman. Oh I immediately assumed it was a woman. I wanted this to be a... oh this is a guy! Oh that's extra oh Jesus. Ah Jesus Christ. These goddamn fucking women. What did she do to you sir? Do I really got to read this? Do I even need to read this? You're totally loving her. You complete fucking friends with her and then she's flirting with these guys flirting with her too much and all of a sudden now you're not going out with her. Oh god these goddamn motherfuckers. Alright let's plow ahead. I just needed to regroup. So anyway I told her how it made me uncomfortable and shit that the dude was always trying to get with her and stuff but she always assured me that she didn't like the dude and she doesn't respect guys like that who hit on girls even though they are taken.

Is she telling the guy to leave her alone? Ah Jesus Christ. A couple of months passed and then an incident happened. She was at an office party and according to her the dude got super drunk and kissed her. Anyways this happened on a weekend and came clean about it the next day. Her excuse was that he got drunk and kissed her so it wasn't her fault and that she didn't kiss him back so it means there's nothing there. Of course I didn't listen to that bullshit and I dumped her within 10 minutes of being told of that. Time out a second. I'm going to give you some applause. There you go. Exactly. Exactly. I don't buy into that crap that she didn't kiss him back because in my head it's like she's saying oh he had his dick in me but I didn't fuck him back so it's okay. Thank you sir. I don't even need to answer this. You got your head right where you need to be. When has a guy ever said oh honey don't worry I didn't kiss her back and gotten away scot free. If a guy said that he would have got the shit kicked out of him by his girl. I remember the old uninformed episode where you and Joe were talking about Michael Richard to some PR guy and Joe said the problem with the whole situations is that Michael Richard squirmed when he was apologizing and didn't just own up to his fault. That's why he wasn't forgiven and that's the logic I use here. That if she just owned up to it that the dude kissed her. I could deal with it better than her saying she didn't kiss him back because back so I should be okay with it.

Okay and he goes oh my god I'm basing my relationship decision on what Joe DeRosa says. I think I've hit a new low. Anyway not to make this email too long but three months since we broke up and I'm not really sure if it was the right decision. My gut said I did the right thing but I'm questioning it. Dude you're questioning it because you love this girl on some level and because you're lonely and you're going through this shit but dude fuck that. Alright no offense but that bitch was disrespecting you from day one when that bullshit was happening. This guy's drunk. How did your lips do it? He fucking run across the room like a Superman punch but with his lips sticking out and she was talking to somebody else and came over and he was drunk. What dude what led up to the kiss? What the fuck were they talking about? They were talking about shit that leads up to a kiss and your fucking goddamn whore of an ex-girlfriend sat there in that fucking moment. Letting her pussy get a little bit wet but not really fucking doing it. Fuck her dude. I'm telling you right now that was the tip of the goddamn iceberg.

That's to lock the door test to the 10th fucking power if you ever saw Bronx Tale. That's it right there. You 100% made the right fucking decision. You're still a young guy. There's a better one coming your way who won't be fucking flirting with some dick at work and accidentally getting kissed. And you think that that's the only thing that happened? That he accidentally just kissed her and that's where the fuck it stopped? He didn't accidentally brush against one of her titties. Fuck that dude. You did the right thing. Football season's coming. All that money you would have spent on her. Go get yourself a dish and get the fucking NFL package. You deserve it. Alright? Go on YouTube. Learn how to cook a perfect steak on a hibachi and enjoy your fucking team for 16 games. I'm telling you let her fade the fuck away and get yourself a decent woman. Good for you sir. I applaud you. I applaud you for the fucking decision you just made there.

That was like... It was like in gymnastics when you just stick the fucking landing. 10.0. It's over. Give him the gold medal. You did the right thing. Fuck her. Alright? That's just the loneliness. You'll find another golden. Good ones are hard to find so it's going to take longer than three months. Okay? But the last thing you want to do... It's over. The trust is gone. It's fucking over. Alright? If you ever think of going back to her, re-listen to this part of the fucking podcast. It ends at 49 minutes 53 seconds. So fast forward to that and rewind to whatever. Fucking two minutes. Ah Jesus Christ. He didn't kiss him back. Yeah he didn't kick him in the balls either or yell rape. How the fuck did he kiss you? Ah. That's fucking great. You dumped her. Good. I hope she learns a lesson. She probably won't. Like just think of the women who have influenced female style in the last fucking 25 years.

I'm really going to sound like an old guy but I just think that they dress like absolute trash. The fucking trash. The Kardashians. That's your pinnacle of fashion sense. Huh? Those squirrel-eyed whores. Huh? They look like to me. Like I've ever wanted to fuck a gopher. If I was ever turned on by a... by a rodent. And who came before them? Who was before them? Paris Hilton. Paris fucking Hilton. Just fucking head to toe jizzed on. By the time she was fucking 19 she was just used up. How do you think she got that way? Everybody thinks because of what? Because what? She was some rich guys fucking kid? That's how she ended up that way? No. Who was before her? Madonna. Laying on the stage fucking spreading the goddamn legs. Just trash. She's trash. It's all it's been. It's been fucking trash for 30 fucking years. And you go back. You watch all those old movies.

Those fucking women. They're beautiful but they got class. And you know what? They would probably suck in as much dick as the girls do today. But they didn't wear it on their sleeve. Fucking tattooed goddamn whores. They would just fucking bring their asses down just a little bit more. You know? Skirts a little bit longer. Leave something to the imagination. You don't think so? All you guys are like I wish they walked around naked. You never had that moment in a titty bar? When you walk in you just at some point it's just not even exciting anymore. You're actually talking to a completely naked woman asking her where the bathroom is. You know? There's no excitement anymore. You're used to it. You're fucking used to it. Speaking of which, speaking of which, what's the deal? They had a protest here in New York City.

It was evidently yesterday was Gotopolis Day. It said protesters went over the top for the right to bear breasts. Almost three dozen activists strutted through Columbus Circle yesterday on National Gotopolis Day. Similar demonstrations were held across the country demanding that lawmakers trash codes against female toplessness. I don't know why they want to fucking do that, but you know, more power to them. I guess the good looking ones. That's how I would ease into that law. You've got to demonstrate that your titties should be shown. The same way when you see a guy walking around with man-tits and you're like, put a shirt on! Right? I think that, I think you should earn being topless. How about that? You know, I sound like a dictator, but if I was one, that's how I would run my country.

You've got to earn it. Alright? If you're a guy, you've got to be jacked. And if you're a woman, your tits have to still be excited about life. They can't be those beaten down tits staring at your toes. You know? You know what's interesting is in a lot of third world countries, women walking around with their titties hanging out is no big deal. It's not a, they don't give a shit. So I was just wondering, are as men here in the states, and are we turned on by titties just because we've, I think that's what it is. You know what? That's exactly what the fuck it is. Because those old school chicks that marry Tyler Morris with their goddamn skirts below their knee. You know, if every girl was walking around with skirts below their knee, your whole fucking life, and then one day, some girl comes walking by and just her skirt is above her knee. I swear to God, you're going to get a semi. You're like, holy shit. I can see your knees.

You know, women, don't, don't do that with titties. You know, can we still be excited to see your fucking titties? Isn't it enough? Don't you get enough in this country? You know, you get to run your fucking yaps all goddamn day long, be as rude and as inconsiderate as humanly fucking possible, and no one can slap you in the face. We can't do it anymore. You know? There you are, yap, yap, yap, yap, yapping. You get divorced, you get to take a guy for all these fucking words, and they'd be, I'm just a girl. I can't work. Work for me. I'm used to a certain lifestyle. Isn't that enough? Now, now you're going to, you know, you've joined all our fucking men's clubs. We can't even get away from you. And one of the few pleasures we have left in life is the excitement of seeing a pair of tits. Talking our way into seeing a pair of fucking tits, right? A couple of blue moons and a, you know, a Belvedere or some shit. You get her to do it, and now you're going to take that away by just walking around your goddamn titties hanging out.

What would Audrey Hepburn say? What the fuck would she say? Is that the right one? That breakfast at Tiffany's trick? I use that fucking expression, that reference, and I've never seen that movie. I've just seen pictures of it, and I think that that girl is, she's a class act. Unlike all you filthy whores nowadays, with your hoary little Kardashian shoes, with the fucking Paris Hilton jizz on my face straps, and the Madonna hoary fishnets, you know? I know a lot of you guys, because Madonna is like 63 at this point, has been living in England for 20 years. You actually think that she's some highfalutin? She's the daughter of a trucker from Michigan. Don't ever forget that, alright? And she's not fooling me with her goddamn accent.

Jesus, why am I trashin' Madonna so fucking bad? My girl's got a single one My girl's got a single one My girl's got a single one My girl's got a single one My girl's got a single one My girl's got a single one