Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-20

Episode Date: October 1, 2020

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. How are you? This is going to be a bit of a quiet podcast because I'm in a hotel room out here on the Jersey show. And my wife's still sort of sleeping, but not really. Maybe giving me a dirty look. No, staring at her phone. Yeah, I'm out here in New Jersey and I've been at a bunch of shows. Well, I did two shows Monday, the two on Tuesday got rained out. And then I did two last night. My voice is fried from screaming like a lunatic. But I think we're going to try to make up those shows Friday night provided that it does not rain. It's been a wonderful trip back here.

I want to thank everybody who showed up. I want to thank everyone that I worked with, the great Joe Bartnick, the amazing Tony V, and one of the best guys in the business, Jim Florentine. Tony V worked on the first leg and Florentine did the Jersey shows. We had so much fun just hanging out and it was great to be able to do shows and make people laugh. Jersey's been a trip, you know, had some great Italian food out here, great people watching, not the biggest state on masks. I guess they only had one person die. So I just don't understand where, hey, man, the numbers are really dipping. And then they sort of loosen up on the mask thing just so they can create another spike. I just don't fucking get it. Keep your fucking masks on

until it's gone. Why don't they do that? You know why? Because people fucking whine. So I mean, it's, it's all right. It's all a conspiracy, man. It doesn't exist. They're overreacting. All these non scientists just saying all of this shit. Non scientists looking up scientific information on the internet, which is just full of fucking people spinning shit the way that they want to spin it. Yeah, why listen to guys who are actually scientists in a lab working for the CDC? Why would you do that when you can listen to your friend who fucking plows snow, who went on the internet and found some conflicting information? Well, good for you, pal. Did you do that in between looking at free porn? By all means, let the world listen to you. But anyway, great time out here. We stayed

in Long Branch, New Jersey, and drove down to Asbury Park yesterday, went to that great arcade right across the street from, what is it, the Stone Pony, the famous rock venue where I believe Bruce Springsteen, East Street Band and all of them started and got a couple of Nathan's hot dogs and just went in there played pinball, brought my daughter around, she was having a blast. My wife talked to all of this crap going, they got Ski Ball here, she goes, I'm going to kick your ass in Ski Ball. And I'm like, and I'm like, what is Ski Ball? She just goes, and I did it, and I did it thinking I'm going to like, tell some different story over here. First of all, you didn't kick my ass. Yeah, when you play best two out of three,

and you win two games to one, and you win the last game on the last two balls, I wouldn't say you won, you didn't kick my ass. And anytime you want to rematch, that was me just, I never really even played that game. Yeah, I never did. I got that good. I got that good. So anytime you want to come back to fucking Asbury Park and have a round two, maybe put a little money on it, I'm up for it. Yeah, I never even heard of that. And what's funny is there's a character on FS4Family called Ski Ball. And I never, I never even knew what that meant. And now I do. Ski Ball is a game that your wife's good at, and she barely beats you and then talks shit about it for fucking 24 hours. No, she was actually really good at it. And she's very competitive. It was

very attractive to see that trait, you know, usually she's just sitting around the couch bitching at me. I know, trying to get her up to get over here. So anyways, they had all these old school games in there. They had that, that driving game, Grand Prix, whatever the fuck it was called. We just have high and low gear in your gas pedal. That was it. No clutch stood up when you did it. They have the gun game. They had a 1976 Hugh Hefner Playboy pinball machine. They had an Elton John one from the 70s, a Kiss one from the 70s. It just had all these great pinball machines. And then Frogger, all of the games that I fucking, you know, my parents wouldn't let me play when I was growing up, but I could play them over my friend's house. So we had a great time doing

that. I flew me and my daughter, we flew a kite first time, my daughter, every flew a kite first time I've flown a kite since like the, I don't know, 80s, early 80s, maybe. So kind of how the hell do you do this? I had the thing upside down, because I was looking at the picture. Sorry, looking at the picture on top of the kite, like a dope, and it's just and I knew enough, I literally had to use my pilot's license going like, this is not producing lift rather than being like, hey, stupid, it's going to go up in the air. So the picture of faces face down, you dumb freckled cunt. So I finally figured that out. And we had a great time with that made like sand castles and all of that stuff. And I don't know, we had a great time out here in Jersey and I get it now.

You know, the Jersey Shore gets like such a bad rap, especially by like, you know, New Yorkers who feel that they're a cut above from the animal that is out here in New Jersey. And just to let you know, you know, I've been to fucking New Jersey, I've lived in New York, and it's, I don't know, as far as an outsider, you're all the same people. I don't see what the animosity is. Jersey Shore is beautiful and way more affordable than that. Maybe that's what it is. Because the Jersey Shore, generally speaking, because we did drive through deal, New Jersey with these gigantic, they were mansions and that I guess were people summer homes. This is my summer home on Ocean Boulevard. Look it up, deal, New Jersey. They're all like turn of

the last century mansions that these people have where they just, you know, that's what they do in the summertime, I guess I have no idea. So I guess it's like the Hamptons is for New Yorkers who like really, really fucking screwed people and stole money. And then like the Jersey Shore is for like New Yorkers and people in Jersey who, you know, did their thing, whatever. I'm just fucking with you, but I just don't know how you make that kind of money legally and actually pay your taxes. I didn't see that part of the debate, the presidential debate, which I don't really want to get into because I was actually for the first time ever actually happy with what CNN said at the end of it, because I figured they were just going to trash

Trump and they were just like, I didn't get anything out of that. That was just a train wreck. They didn't say one good thing about either guy. Oh God, I mean, that was just, I don't understand how like it's at the presidential level and they don't have the technology to just turn down the guy's mic. If one person just keeps interrupting, like how hard is that? You know, many times that's been done to me as a comedian. They wanted me off stage and I wouldn't get off stage for whatever reason. They flash the light and then after the light, that's it. They just cut off the mic over. For some reason, they didn't do it. And I love so loved like when either person was talking, they kept a split screen the whole time so you could see the other

person. It was almost like they just, they knew it was going to be a spectacle. I don't know. You didn't pay your taxes. You found a loophole and he just goes, I'm smart. It's like watching two kids in a high school cafeteria. Oh my God. And then he brings up his dead son and the one who's got a coke problem. It's like, Jesus Christ, where he's like, I don't know the dead one. I'm talking about the one with the coke problem. It's like ladies. I don't know. And I love that there's still people that feel great about the candidate that they're going to vote for after that. It's like, you know, the whole thing, the whole fucking thing. They're not wearing masks.

They're looking at those two shitheads, being a liberal and expecting accepting the fact that they're shoving fucking Joe Biden down your goddamn throat. What's that guy fucking 90 years old with a facelift? He looked like the goddamn Crip Keeper, bumbling and stumbling through his words. And then Trump is sitting there with this fucking scowl on his face. He looked like he was out of a fairy tale, the grumpy banker, the entire time, and just beyond rude. They said he interrupted like over 70 times. And I think that there is no fucking way that guy's not going to win because he just appeals to the mouth-breathing moron. Good, he should interrupt. The other guy's got nothing to say.

Biden shucks Trump 2020. I don't know. I've seen like more courteous behavior watching wrestling. It was just an absolute fucking disaster. And I can't believe in four years, the dumb Democrats, you couldn't just come up with a 40-something year old like they did with Clinton just to go change. People, American people won't change, change, play a little Fleetwood Mac and then it's fucking over. Just have some 40-year-old dude and just go in there and play some music from the 80s. As Trump is saying all his grumpy shit, instead they go out and as far as I could tell, I haven't looked up their rages, they found a guy even fucking older. So the bright side is, is where when Trump gets re-elected, we'll at least be

half over, we'll be half done with the guy who won't denounce white supremacists. Oh my god, that was such a low point when they go, do you, will you denounce white supremacists? He goes, absolutely. They go, all right, do it. And he's like, you know, a long time ago when he just blows past it, and then the other two guys are like schoolgirls going, we'll say it, we'll then do it again, the whole fucking thing. I don't know. I, I, I, yeah. Jesus Christ. Sophie's choice coming up November 4th, whenever the hell they're going to have it, but let's get on to some better news here, everybody had the Tampa Bay Lightning, your

Tampa Bay Lightning. I believe it was four games, the two I've been working every night, but I work with the great Joe Bartnick. So he keeps me up on all the hockey news. Congratulations to them. Their second Stanley Cup victory, which is really impressive considering there's this many teams, 30 teams, and that they've won, they've won two within 30 years of their existence. No, when did Tampa Bay Lightning come out? Let me see. Tampa Bay Lightning. I thought it was the 90s. Am I crazy? Tampa Bay Lightning Stanley Cup ornament. I don't know what the fuck that is. Let's get to Wiki. There you are. All right, established, founded 1992. There you go. So in 28 years, they've won two Stanley Cups. They're averaging one every 14 years.

And considering there's 30 teams, if you, if you average one once every 30 years, I figure that's got to be like average. So they're doubling that sort of maybe a little bit more. That's great. Good for them. Congratulations. I respect the Lightning. I hate them because they always seem to beat my Bruins, but congratulations. Condolences to Dallas star fans. I've been there. I was there last year. At least they put you out of your miseries six games. You didn't have to go seven. Yeah. And with that, the, the Chicago, Cleveland, Orlando, New Orleans, Los Angeles Lakers are up one game to none against the Miami Heat. I hope the Miami Heat bought enough guys to beat all the guys that the Lakers bought.

Of course, they're two higher scorers are not Lakers. I just fucking, it's just killing me as a Celtics fan, just watching daddy war bucks out there with the fucking Hollywood whores in the sunshine. They're going to win another one. I hope not. I hope the heat beat them, but whatever, you know, something I've kind of given up on. I'm trying to give up on just actually hating teams to the level that I used to, because it's just such a fucking waste of energy and I'm not going to be able to control any of it. Let me see if the Indians beat the Yankees last night. Indians versus Cleveland. It was a great game. It was eight to eight before the old man Billy fell asleep. Oh, they came back. What? It was eight to eight. Then it was nine to eight

when I went to bed and they started walking people. Oh my God, the Yankees not only scored a run in the top of the night, they scored two to close them out and your Cleveland Indians 72 years in to this drought. Jesus Christ. Yankees move on with their great team. I don't know. I got a good feeling about them this year. I haven't watched too much baseball, but I saw what they did last year with all of their homegrown talent and all of that. Even as a Red Sox fan, if they win this one, I can't hate on it. Like I always make fun of the Red Sox and Yankees championships from like 98 on where it was just righted up free agents from around the league. So many of them from Cleveland. I just remember that. I just found that funny when the Yankee fans were bitching about the

fucking Astros. It's like, really? They banged on a fucking trash can. Come on. What are we doing here? Anyway, oh Jesus, this has just been me just like bitch moaning and complaining. You know what it is? I'm a little grumpy because I'm fucking tired. And now I got a pack and go to the airport and get on a plane, fly across this God forsaken country one more time. And I'm going to be flying. I guess when you get into the airport, everybody will marry the mask, but like these fucking assholes who wear the mask and then they have it still below their nose so they can breathe. They're just such fucking like how much of a fucking pussy are you that you can't breathe in? I can't breathe. Yeah, you can't breathe. You just feel you just it's an

inconvenience and you don't want to do it. It's why when you go to the gym, you never lose weight because you don't you don't have the fucking heart to stick it. I am the fact that we all get graded on it on a fucking all get graded the same in this thing. That's what bugs me because there's no way to create separation from yourself doing the right thing and a fucking dope. All right, I got it all out of me, but I haven't said that my act is back up to where it needs to be. And I plan on doing some more of these runs. I don't care if I have to wear a jacket during the second show like I've been doing. I've been having a great time. All right, here we go. Simply safe, everybody. Simply safe, something we're not going to be with either one of these idiots wins the

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scale without any long term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr. All right, back to the podcast. So anyway, I gotta get back on the plane, fly across this lovely nation and get back to LA that's on fire. I was making fun of everybody back east here about all that stuff. I was like, you know, Hollywood's on fire right now. And I got a sneaking suspicion. All you guys out here think it's kind of funny. And they all laughed. And I called them out on their bullshit. It's like every time you have a hurricane and it knocks down your gazebo, right, or somebody's born with three fucking right feed and they need an operation,

and you got to raise money. Who do you call on? You call on the elitist cunts of Hollywood. And we all come running out there with our Botox faces and our fake tits. And we go out there and we raise money. And you guys say thanks, we appreciate it. And all of this phony bullshit. And the next thing you know, we're in the middle of hell's fire out there. And you guys are all laughing your balls off, you know, give a fuck. You know, all those states along the Gulf, when you have hurricanes, we're always there raising money for you. All of a sudden LA has a problem. Fuck them. Let it fall into the ocean. Let me remind you, we are part of this great nation. And whatever is happening to us will eventually happen to you when you got way more trees in

your area. So you think if there's a fucking fire out there, which is another reason why I don't want this fucking orange headed dope to win, you know, forget about the part that he's just divides people. I just can't deal with the fact that this guy, you know, he just doesn't give a fuck sweep up the forest sweep up the forest. What in the fuck is this guy talking about? They're still all blowing the bankers in the oil companies. And I don't think Joe Biden will be any different. I wish just Mike Pence was running in that other chick, whatever a fucking name is. What's the what's the lady running with Joe Biden here? Kamala Harris, Kamala, Kamala, Kamala, Kamala, Kamala, Kamala Harris.

I just wish they would debate. Why can't we just get people that still have blood in their face? I don't need to see all the blue veins in some old person's face. That's why Trump's smart enough to have that paint roller a fucking tan or put on his face. Jesus Christ. That was like watching, I don't know what, one of those old Walter Mathau, Jack Lemon movies towards the end of both their lives. God bless each one of them. But Jesus Christ, the sunshine boys. One's getting too much sunshine. The other guy needs some some vitamin E over there. All right, well, let's look at the MLB playoffs while we can play

off. I actually love baseball as far as I love the playoffs. I also like watching a game. I know people shit on it. San Diego Padres lose 740 the Cardinals, the Yankees close out there, put the Indians out of their misery, 10 to nine. Congratulations to them. The Dodgers making another run when four to two up one game to none. Oh, Atlanta leads the Reds one game to none. These games are all on today. Maybe I'll get a plane like a jet blue type of deal where I can watch one of the games here, the Florida Marlins up one game to none. Now you want to talk about a successful frigging franchise, right? They've already won two World Series. They're at it again. Let's see, Miami Marlins, aka the Florida Marlins, Miami Marlins,

Wiki. You know what's great about this is a bunch of my relatives got to come down it and meet their grandson, their cousin, their nephew. It was a great time. And they all freaked out when they saw my mother was so cute. She's like, he's gorgeous. He is. He is gorgeous. That made me feel great. Florida Marlins 1993. Oh, they came out a year after the Tampa Bay Lightning. Look at them. 27 years in the league. They won two World Series, however, in their first 10 years. I'll tell you, that was tough as a Red Sox fan when they won it again. They won it 97 in 2003. And we choked away that game seven to the Yankees in 2003. It was great because they beat the Yankees, but that was that was a tough one. I'll tell you, I'll tell you that was a rough

one. I'm going to start watching some of this shit. Some of these, these teams. Sonia, did you have fun on this trip? You did have fun, right? You came out. You put your time in. You saw one of my shows out on the farm. Was it, uh, was it everything you hoped it was going to be? What do you mean? You won the first game. I won the second game and you won the third game in the last two throws. That was really amazing. I was like just really in the zone. Wow. It felt good. It felt real good. How about we play again the next time we'll put money on it? Let's do it. You think I'm scared? You think I'm afraid? I'm the Ski Bowl fucking champion. I'll smack you in the face with my skills.

All right. Maybe we'll film it. Maybe we will. Maybe we will. We'll put money on it. I'm trying to ratchet up the pressure here on you. See how you perform. I'm not scared. I thrive under pressure, baby. I don't know. I always doubt people that say that. I'm not scared. I thrive under pressure. Oh, you don't want to deal with me. Why? I ought to. You don't want to see. You don't want this heat. You don't want this smoke. Yeah, Jesus. That was such an old person fun arcade. What was the name of the place? Silver Balls? Star Balls? It's right across the street. We're diagonally from the Stone Pony, which I guess they are doing shows. They have outdoor shows there. They can put a I guess the go-go's came down. It did like 4,000 people or something. I love how Jersey is just

stuck in the 80s. Like when we were sitting there, I swear to God, it was like I was back in time. I was time. I was sitting there eating a hot dog and Nathan's, which I shouldn't be doing. And they played like that Phil Collins song. What song was it? Oh, it was a, it was a deep visible touch. Yeah. She seems to have an invisible touch. I remember that took me back to a long time ago. I used to work at this warehouse. It's called corporate software. I don't think it exists anymore. Oh Jesus with the warehouse stories. Yeah. Oh Jesus with the warehouse story. And there was a guy that I worked with who loved Phil Collins and they just could not play. They played Phil Collins like every other song. And, uh, and I just remember when that fucking song came on,

it was so goddamn happy. She seems to have an invisible touch. And he used to sing along to it. I used to hate when not the ladies would say invisible touch. He would say invisible touch. Yeah. Or is it touch? Yeah. I don't know what it was, but he would be singing it next to me. We were both facing this wall, shipping out computer software, you know, filling these orders, picking them or whatever. And he used to fucking sit there singing it. He was a good dude, but it drove me up the wall and he knew it. And he would just fucking go all out. That's what I think of when I think of Phil Collins, Nia. Nia, you're going to help me limp through the last fucking three minutes of this shit as I'm sitting here with heartburn from all the goddamn, how much did I

eat the other night? We got to give them a shout out. What was the name of that restaurant? Yeah, right on the boardwalk here. We got the eggplant for the appetizer, which was incredible. Then we got, I got the laymen yam with the whipped potatoes and the garlic spinach. And you got the short rib pasta. Yes, the short rib ragu with the short rib ragu. You're a short rib ragu. And then we finished it off with the tiramisu with a little bit of with vanilla gelato because I'm not a big, I'm not a big coffee guy. I'm not a big tiramisu fan necessarily, but there was something in me that said, get a side of gelato with it and bae bae. And you listened to that voice today here on Oprah.

We're talking about listening to that inner voice. You know, everybody has an inner voice, but just the way society for whatever reason is set up, join my book club, the way whatever society is set up, it just, it really, I feel like it, it attacks your abilities. Just hear me out to listen to that voice. And today we actually have someone who for the longest time never listened to her inner voice and listened to it the other day. And according to her kicked her husband's ass in SkiBall. Ladies and gentlemen, on the O podcast network, we have Nia Hill. Nia, thank you so much for listening to your inner voice and coming on here. Now I don't want to be a jerk, but you only beat your husband on the last two throws. So how is

that kicking his ass? You know what it is? I'm a billionaire woman who started in the 80s and a woman of color. So I know what kicking ass is and you don't. And I brought you on your show to tell you that why don't you be a little nicer to your husband? I'm Oprah Winfrey. And I've just listened to my inner voice. How dare you? How dare I what? I didn't trash Oprah Winfrey. What? The 20th time in your standup career? Wow, Bill. I was trashing you. Really bringing it back to the old classic Bill Burbitts. I was trashing you. So well, by the way, have aged so well. My God. How do you just have your finger on the pulse? Bring it up back and open joke. It's great. Now it's really great. I was trashing you. Let me tell you something. You don't trash me, okay?

I trash you. That's how it goes down. Is that how it goes down when you're living with the SkiBall champion? That's right. You and your ham radio podcast. The podcast stinks. It does. This podcast is Reversed Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan now has a incredible studio that looks like at the bottom of a nuclear silo. And I'm fucking sitting here with my little radio shack handheld. Step it up so we can get $100 million. What are you doing? No, no, right there on the table. No, no, everybody in entertainment makes that mistake. I remember when Joe, Joe did that. I'll do it. I'm not Joe. That's like when Dane Cook got on fucking Myspace, got his zillion fans and then sold out Myspace and every comic

was like, well, then I will get on Myspace and it's like, you're not Dane. That's the deal. This works for me, Neil, my little pirate radio fucking podcast. I'm an anti-social prick and I don't want to book guests. I don't mind having them, but just dealing with the two minutes away buddy text. I just don't want to deal with that. I didn't get in this business to work as you can tell from the laziness of this podcast. And this is the podcast I did exactly. Well, I did 32 minutes. I gave you two extra minutes. All right. Thank you to everybody in Joy-Z. Thank you to everybody in Connecticut that came down to the shows and I had a great time. Thank you to all the promoters and thank you to Club Soda Kenny, you know,

keeping the laughs coming along, rolling along there. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. I will check in on you on, no, no, I'll just talk to you on Monday. That's what it's going to be. All right, see you. Music Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's the Monday Morning Podcast. It's the Monday, October 1st, 2012, first day of October. I got a question for you. When is the fucking summer going to end? You know, I don't want to be one of these guys who the first time there's a fucking heat wave

starts going, see, there's global warming. I think I proved my point, you know, like when it snows in February and the people who don't believe in global warming go like, what happened to global warming? It's fucking snowing out. Yeah, it's supposed to. It's supposed to. It's fucking January, you dumb cunt. Yeah, I'm going out to LA and we're going to have another five day fucking heat wave, like 99 fucking degrees every goddamn day. And I don't have air conditioning in my house. You going to laugh at me now? You know, I kind of live in an area where we get a nice breeze. And I was told that by the people who I bought the house off of that. Yeah, that's really not a

problem. Can you believe that they were deceitful? You know, it sucks about having a fucking house is every time you think you got everything fixed. You know, it's just something else comes along. I thought I was finally caught up. I widened the doors in the garage. I got the goddamn hot water fucking thing outside. I went tankless. I got that done. I fixed the fucking cabinets. You know, I got screens on the windows. The fuck else did I do? I got the stupid fucking thing fixed that, you know, the hot air goes out of on the laundromat on the dryer, all these little cunty knickknack fucking things. And I was thinking all I got to do now

is have somebody fucking get my chimney up to code and then clean out some other goddamn thing. And I was done now. And I got to put a new roof on it too. So I'm thinking, all right, the roof, that's the most expensive thing. I'll get that thing done. Right? What's the point of fixing everything else if it's just going to get wet? Right? I figured that was my next move. Then out of fucking nowhere. I got Nea calling me up. Can we just get one of those standalone units? Can we just get AC in one room? Unbelievable. I thought I was in the clear. It's fucking October. Look, who's kidding who? I live in a goddamn desert. At some point I'm going to have to get

air conditioning. But now I'm also feeling like a pussy because everybody else who ever owned my fucking house, they somehow dealt with it. Maybe sat on the front steps drinking a mint julep, socializing with the neighbors, talking about Pearl Harbor or whatever the fuck they did. Were they a tougher breed back then or is this global warming thing actually something that's true? Well, actually, it is getting warmer. You know, it's just the debate is I'm sewing over my head. Just entertain me. Just go with me on this. The big debate is whether or not human beings have an effect on it. You know, it's funny is I can't even take myself seriously because every time I try to talk about a heavy subject,

my brain is just screaming at me. You don't read or you haven't read up on any of this. You've only overheard conversations. So why don't you shut the fuck up? Anyways, this is a podcast for this week, everybody. It's football Sunday. I'm here in Jacksonville, Florida. It's five minutes to one five minutes before. All the games are going to start already predicted on my Twitter account that the Patriots were going to win 63 to five today against the Buffalo Bills. And I stand by that. That's actually what I'm hoping is going to happen. And somebody's like, oh, you're predicting you're going to get a safety? No, what's going to happen is we're going to be up 63 to three.

Our punters going to feel bad for you. So he's just going to kind of run out of the back of the end. So, you know, just to give you another two fucking points, you know, you know, it's the worst thing about going to a Buffalo Bills game aside from the lingering sadness of losing four Super Bowls in a row is listening to that dumb chant that let's go Buffalo. I hate fucking you. First of all, it rhymes. You know, yeah, let's go Buffalo. The AFC East has some of the worst fucking chance in just in all of professional sports. J E T S jets, jets, jets. Hurray. It's like what fucking year is it? Let's go Buffalo. Those are some angry motherfuckers out there. I'll tell you that me and Verzi a few years ago, we went to that fucking Bills Jets game.

Somebody pushed me in the back while I was taking a piss because I had a Patriots hat on, you know, fucking losers out there, man. Fucking losers. You know, I love how they act like they didn't have video cameras out there. You know, fucking mob leavey could have easily just filmed the other team and won one of those Super Bowls. You didn't want to do it. You didn't want to do it. You made me film you. I didn't want to do it. Why didn't they just, you know, listen, Buffalo, if you could learn anything from some of your, your compadres here in the AFC East, if you can't beat them cheat for the love of God, how long are you going to have that mom and pop store? We're making our own jam, putting in an extra fucking pickle jars vibe.

First of all, you know what your problem is, Buffalo? You don't even deserve a professional fucking franchise. Do you understand that? Do you understand how if you didn't have the bills and the sabers that the amount of people wouldn't even know? Like you'd be like El Myra. You'd be one of those fucking towns nobody even knew about. You guys fucking peaked back when people took road. Like when going to Niagara Falls was, was, was like a fucking, you know, place where you went on your honeymoon because the regular Joe couldn't afford to fly. All right. That's why you've never won anything because God forgets that you exist. Why am I being so mean to them? I actually think I'm going to be performing there next year. I have no idea. You know, actually the reality

is with this whole fucking Patriots defense, I, you know, when we got a rookie fucking trying to protect Tom Brady's blindside, I got, I have no idea. And it's a divisional rivalry. We usually go one-on-one against the bills. You know, the bills usually win one and then Shred and Reagan call me up like, Hey, did you see the game? What did you think about that? Right? And they get all fucking excited. They start talking Super Bowl. And then the next time we play and we rape them, you know, we put that red ball thing in their mouth, bend them over and shove the football right up their ass. You know, it's coming. You know, it is. Who has more false hope of Bill's fan or a Jets fan? I think it's a Jets fan just because they look like that guy, the mush in a Bronx

tail, like your average fucking Jets fan. That's what he, that's what he looks like. You know, and I'm not saying that the average Patriots fan doesn't look like a fucking alcoholic, lucky charms fucking dude. I'm not even saying that. I would never try to say that we don't look like a bunch of fucking drunk potatoes. All right. I'm not saying that we don't. All right. But you guys just have that let's go like off track betting. That's what you're, that's what the upper deck of a Jets game looks like. I don't know if it's those awful fucking green jerseys. You know, if you're going to get the Jets jersey, you got to get, you got to get the white one, man. What the green numbers, when it's that fucking just pea soup, forest green,

that's just one of the worst fucking jerseys ever. But you know what, at the end of the day, it's still a great game. See, I went positive there at the end of the day. It's still a great game. I actually got into some fight with some fucking jackoff on Twitter, right? Because I announced, I tweeted that I was going to be going to the Jacksonville Jaguars Cincinnati Bengals game. Can you fucking believe that I'm hanging around an extra day in Jacksonville to watch that contest? Okay. Is that not going to be one of the most lowest rated football games of the year? Do I have the hiccups? Jesus Christ. But anyways, I got into this Twitter argument with some guy, I'm guessing he's from fucking Great Britain or Ireland or some shit. And once

again, like those guys are so on their own dicks. If they, if they fucking watch rugby, you know what I mean? Like the, the, oh, the amount of time either there's soccer fans over there, and then they always come up with, they think it's the most clever Seinfeld thing ever. They always like, why do they call it football when they use it? You know, like the excitement in their emails or their, their tweets when they send it to me as if they're the first person who ever came up with that little clever analogy. You know, first of all, football came out of soccer. We were kicking the ball around, you know, playing your dumb little fucking game that was brought over. Okay. But because we're

fucking Americans and we know, we know how to fucking make shit exciting. We know how to ramp shit up. We're not stuck in the past. Like you guys with your dumb fucking castles talking about, oh, Henry the eighth told fucking Liliputian, who gives a fuck? Huh? You dumb ass fucking history of the goddamn serfs and the landowners and the feudal system. Huh? And your fucking Catholics versus Protestants. Nobody gives a fuck. You half horse, half fucking man walking around with that fucking flute or whatever the hell it did. You bunch of goddamn perverts, a shirtless man coming out of a horse with the fuck is wrong with you. You're going to sit here and criticize our game sitting there saying that, that, that NFL, that rugby is a tougher game than NFL football.

You know what rugby looks like to me? Rugby looks like NFL football. If the fans ran on the field and started playing, not saying they're not tough fans, not saying they're not fans who have gold gym memberships. I'm not even trying to say that. I wouldn't insult you by trying to say that. I'm just saying it. It just looks like, like really fast people from the stands went out there during halftime. Kind of like when you watch an NHL game and they let those, those fucking kids come out and play a little mini one on one, right? We got fucking Swamp Scott versus Marblehead today. They shoot, see scores, right? I'm not saying rugby isn't a tough game. I'm not saying it's not a beautiful game. I'm not saying it's not an all, I fucking love it. I go over there, I watch it.

If I had time, I would go to a game. I think it's great. But for you fucking Ian McFucking pasty fucks to sit here and try and act as though that a bunch of fucking white guys running around shorts and fucking polo shirts tackling each other, you know, is the equivalent to fucking someone of Ray Lewis's ability. You're out of your mind. You're out of your fucking mind. I tell you right now, you can judge the level of your sport by the amount of white guys that are playing it at a professional level. You can certainly judge the speed of it. Okay. Rugby looks like you're watching the NBA in the 1960s, you know, and Abelichek steals it. Oh, Abelichek stole. You know, and one of the big things that rugby people always say is they say NFL players are

pussies. Okay, NFL players are pussies. Just just step back and just wrap your head around that because they wear pads. You know, and I get why they say that because to look at it, you're like, oh, they have all these pads on. It doesn't hurt them because they have all this padding on. You know what it is? You guys never played the fucking game. Okay, I've played rugby. It was called kill the man with the ball. I've played it. Yes, I got took knees and I took shots. But you know what I didn't do? I never really led with my head. And you know why? Because I didn't have a fucking helmet on. Nobody really led. You led with your shoulder and you tackled with your shoulder, just like they do in rugby. I'm not saying, Hey, that heads don't collide. I'm not saying there

aren't fucking collisions and broken bones. Okay, I'm just saying. First of all, the helmet is is what you're looking at. It is an unbelievable design flaw. What it really is, is it's just a battering ram. It protects the skull. It does not protect the brain. Okay, do you guys have like when rugby players are done playing rugby? Is their head so fucked up that they shoot themselves in the chest so their brain can be donated to science to figure out what the fuck happened to them? Do you have that happening? If you've had somebody go, you know what? I want to play this week. So cut the end of my finger off so I can I can go out and actually play this week. You know, do you have people doing shit like that? You know, as they run their fucking

their fucking 10 second 40s over there. Look, I'm not saying it's a tough game. I'm not saying it's not a fucking, you know, I'm not saying those guys aren't faster than me. But if you put Ray Lewis on a fucking rugby field, you would be picking up limb limbs would be littered all over the field. All right. So that's it. The debate is over. And you can fucking do anything you want to do. Send me a tweet, send me your fucking emails and all that type of shit. All right, you guys started it. I never said rugby was a pussy game. I still haven't. You guys constantly send me fucking emails telling me that NFL football players are pussies. Let me tell you something right now. The average

NFL player is big enough to grab your entire family by the throat and choke slam you on your fucking nights of the round table fucking table. All right, so there you go. There's your fodder for this week. You fucking cunts. Oh, meanwhile, Hey, by the way, my special is available for download this week. It's available available for download for $5 off of my website. I would appreciate it if you guys would go on and download the son of a bitch, because it cost me a lot of money. I'd like to try to make my money back. And if you could do me a favor, please don't post it on YouTube. I'm not having it encrypted and all that shit, because that's not fair to people who aren't going to do something bad with it. Just do me a favor. Okay, just give me six months. Just give me

a six months window to fucking sell this thing so I can make my money back, you know, so I can go and make another one. So I don't have to shoot my next special on a fucking iPhone. If you could do that for me, I would greatly appreciate it. So here's here's your time to act now at billbird.com Monday morning, you go on, you download the fucking special for $5. That is the deal. $5, five bucks. Can you can can you look into your heart? So anyways, oh, let's let's let's get let's get one of these fucking commercials out of the goddamn way before before I get going here. You know, these people complain, Christ, you didn't read my commercial until 50 minutes into the podcast of the word. Who the hell's even listening anymore?

Why did I make my password in Spanish? Huh? Why would I do that? Come on, open up. No. No, that's the problem. Come on. Here we go. Yeah, I went I went shot some guns when I was out here. You know, silencers are fucking legal in Florida. They actually had like semi automatic rifles with silencers on the fucking wall. I'm gonna get some pictures hopefully posted on the podcast page of that. It's fucking hilarious. I'm in there with Verzi. And they actually, you know, it's always scary when you when you go to the gun range, and you're just in there with a bunch of strangers with loaded fucking guns. You know, and there's always like that one fucking novice in there that just, you know, or not even they're just so comfortable, they start doing dumb shit,

like loading the gun on the other side and then turning around and walking with the fucking thing up to it's like loaded at the at the, I don't know what the terminology is. I'm one of those green horns. I probably shouldn't even be in there. But I fucking, I just had that thing pointed down fucking range, the whole goddamn time. I load it right where I'm going to shoot it. And when it's done, I fucking take the clip out. I fucking, that's it safety on and I just have it pointed down range at no point do I ever take that fucking thing, even pointing it at the floor, turn around and walk back to the whatever the fucking back area is and then load it there. I hate when people do that shit. Anyway, so I'm actually at the gun range and this fucking guy

comes walking by, he goes, Hey, you Bill Burr. And I was like, yeah, he goes, I'm going to see you tonight at the comedy zone. I go, that's cool, right? And he fucking opens up. He has like, looks like a like a mechanics tool chest. He had like a chrome plated fucking desert eagle in there. That's a 50 caliber fucking psycho gun. And he had all this shit with like a silencer. And I go, holy shit, dude, I go, I go, you got a silencer? And the guy goes, yeah, and you're going to shoot it. So I'm all excited. And then I see Versey, Versey turns into like a fucking six year old standing there has got this look on his face, you know, like when the teacher goes, who wants to play with the new toy we bought and pick somebody else that was the look Versey had on his face,

like, how come you picked him? Am I am I going to get to play with it? So I actually walked to say, is it okay if my buddy shoots it too? And he said, yeah. So I tell Versey, I said, hey, he's going to let you shoot it too. And he fucking his whole fucking face lights up, right? It was fucking incredible, man. It's fucking incredible. You can't you can't have a silencer or what do they call a suppressor, whatever the fuck they call it, you can't have in New York, if you have one in New York, if you get caught with one of those in New York, I think that's automatically like fucking 30 years. They just look at it like you have that because you're planning on murdering somebody and you don't want anybody to hear.

You know, silencer really is sort of the bitchy way of killing somebody, right? That's like the passive aggressive, the passive aggressive route, you know, pee, pee, pee, pee. Take that. E voice, everybody. Hey, are you trying to start your own business and you want to sound more professional? Would you like it to sound like you have a whole staff of people working for you that you have this amazing, amazing office? Wouldn't it be great? Wouldn't it be great if you could somehow use your cell phone as your personal phone and your business phone and have two different numbers? Wouldn't that be great to have virtual numbers? Did I say it right? Yeah, virtual numbers.

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that alone will get people wanting to come to your office that doesn't exist. Right? It's just, it's just a great way to get the business going. Or if you already have a business, click on the E voice banner on bill burr.com podcast page or go to www.e voice.com slash bill burr to get your exclusive six month free trial. Try this thing out for six months. E voice your mobile phone at work. There you go. That's got to be the coolest way to start your damn business or start a second family. You know, you could live an entirely different life with that. Couldn't you? All right. What else we got here stamps.com everybody. When you're running a small business, your hours aren't the traditional nine to five. You work around the clock. So the

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the instant you need it, then just hand your mail to the mailman. Here you go. You don't need an expensive postage meeting meter anymore, plus you'll never have to go to the post office again. Okay. And who's kitten who who wants to see those grumpy people ever again? Anyways, endorsement. Why do I always read the wrong thing? You can get practically everything on demand these days, like my podcast. So why wouldn't you do the same with postage using stamps.com? It's what I use to send out my merch for shows. It's so convenient and easy. I guess I was supposed to put that in my own words. Hey, I send my friggin DVDs out with it. It's awesome. What more do you want from me? I get to weigh them on the scale. Right now,

use my last name, Burr, B, U, R, R for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage or type in Burr, that stamps.com Burr, B, U, R, R, go. No, I can't say that. It's the end of the advertising. All right, go use it now. All right, back to the podcast. So anyways, we went and we went shooting and I got to tell you something. It's oddly relaxing. You know what it is? After you get over the fact that you're firing a gun, you then want to get good at it and you want to hit the target. It's almost like you're shooting hoops, except you're shooting at a

silhouette of a person. Does that make sense? I actually like revolvers. Classic me, right? Isn't that just typical me? The old fucking curmudgeon doesn't like the new shit. I'm not into the Glocks, the semi-automatics. I guess it's nicer that you have more bullets, but I like the fucking wider vibe. I just having a goddamn revolver. You get a nice big one like that 38 that Verzi was shooting. The heavier the gun, the less kick. It's phenomenal. There was this chick next to us shooting a friggin' cannon that she was afraid of. I hate that shit. I want to go in there. I want to go to a shooting range where it's a bunch

of fucking Navy SEALs and everybody is comfortable. This girl was just like, oh man, it was a beautiful gun though. Is it crazy to say that they really are fucking beautiful? I feel like fucking Tom Cruz and Taps is fucking beautiful, man. I'm serious. They're goddamn fucking beautiful. Is this freaking everybody out overseas? Another American gun nut? Why don't you guys have guns over there? You're cops in England. The cops in England don't have guns. Is that right? Or do they have them now because of all the terrorists? What do they have? They have a whistle and that really tall hat. That's got to slow them down when they're chasing people. Just a fucking

lack of aerodynamics, wouldn't it? Anybody? All right. Here's something you need to know. Old fucking Billy Fatface is working out again and I actually went, this isn't an advertisement. I went out and I bought a pegboard and I'm hanging them up in the garage. Do I stutter? And I'm totally, I'm fucking all about that now. The grip strength. I don't think I'll ever go to the gym again and fucking sit there and bench press and all that. You don't need to do it. You just need to do pushups. All you need to do is move your own fucking body. You don't need to go down there. I mean, unless you're trying out for the NFL, you know, or you're playing rugby, look at that. I gave rugby respect.

You know, this is what it goes. The lingerie league rugby and then NFL football bottom to top. You know? All right. Let's get to some questions this week, everybody. All right. College broads. College broads. Oh, by the way, you know something, you know, the great thing about fucking, you know, this rope climbing shit that I'm doing, doing pull ups and I got this peg board thing. I actually, I'm on the eighth floor of this hotel and I'm telling you right now, I could climb down the fucking side. It's a bunch of balconies and I could hang down from my belly. If there was a fire, right? I could fucking hang down and just fucking swing my legs, jump down to the next one. And I could just go all the way

down the side of the thing. You know, that's right there. Can you do that through bench pressing and doing squats? You can't fucking do that. You're obese with muscle. You're overdeveloping yourself. All right. Basically, my message is if you're not doing what I'm doing, you're an asshole. Despite the fact I have no nutritional or training or any of that shit. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Hey, let me hype some gigs here. I'm next week. I'm part of my seven week tour. I am four weeks into this fucking thing. By the way, underrated for the week is the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida. Any other comics are listening. It's just a fucking old school comedy club. It's in the Ramada. It's got the brick wall behind you. I

absolutely fucking love the club. The setup is just a semi circle. Everybody's right there. Fucking phenomenal crowds. I didn't know what I was going to run into when I came out here. Did I already talk about this? I started the podcast a couple of times. Let me just get right to it. I had a great time and I'm definitely going to come back. I'd like to come back and go to that Georgia Gators game. But I'm just worried that, you know, the games during the day, everybody's going to be fucking hammered. I'm going to get hammered. Then I got to do shows. No one's going to show up at some point. I have to go to that goddamn game. But anyways, I had a great time and I want to thank everybody who came up because I was finally able to work

out that Hitler Stalin thing by adding in satchel page. All right. And if it wasn't such a great club, I would have been closed off and I want to come up with it. So there's that. So next week, the tour continues. I'm going to be at Go Bananas in Montgomery, Ohio, just outside of Cincinnati, October 5th and 6th. And Paul, dude, I called it, Versey is going to be there and we're hanging around to go to the fucking Bengals Dolphins game on Sunday. That'll be franchise today's franchise number 110. That'll be franchise one 1111 and I'll have 13 more to go. After that, I'll be fucking where the hell am I going to be? I'm going to be in New York City on October 13th at the Beacon Theater on the Comedy Central thing night at too many stars. There's too many stars,

people. Well, if you're booking me, they should have been a night of not enough, not enough stars. All right, after that, then I go to fucking Australia. I'm going to the Sydney Opera House, October 18th, 19th and 20th, another great sport, Australian rules football. Um, Harris in New Orleans, November 2nd. I've never done stand up at any sort of a club in New Orleans. I one time I did, I did a club in, uh, I don't know, Northern, Northern, uh, what the fuck was it? Louisiana. That's what I meant to say, not New Orleans. I meant in Louisiana. I'll be at Harris, November 2nd. And on November 3rd, I'm going to LSU, Alabama. Huh? You like this shit, people? You like this shit? Isn't this fucking, isn't this a great life? Traveling the road,

I'll be with Verzi again. It's a phenomenal life. You guys should all try. You should all try being a fucking stand up comedian at some point in your life. And then what you do is you continue to have failed pilots. So you never get a television show. And as much as that hurts one day, it hits you. And you realize, you know what? It's kind of fucking awesome not to have a TV show because I get to kind of just fucking go out here, make great money, go to games, do whatever the fuck I want to do, say whatever I want to say. And I don't have to deal with people going, you know, our advertisers are upset by that. You know, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourselves. That's the thing. You know, when you get your own TV show, even if they call it by your own name, you know,

it's really not your TV show. It's their TV show. And they'll take it back whenever they fucking goddamn want to. And then what do you do? You go out and buy a big fucking, I got my own TV show house. And then all of a sudden you don't have a TV show, but you still got the big, I got my own TV show house. And then what? Now you got to go on the road, not because you want to, because you have to. And you're going to go out there all fucking miserable. And everybody's yelling your catchphrase from the show, right? You fucking hate in life. I avoided all of that through failed pilots. I am I am I'm living the fucking dream. I just had eggs Benedict that were overcooked. Did you do that? I laid in a fucking hotel room picked up the phone and said, Listen,

bitch, you bring me those fucking eggs, you bring them to me now. And then another woman knocked on my door said, Hey, would you like some turned down service? And I said, No, I would not, but I would like some fresh towels immediately. And she handed them to me and they were still warm. This is the word of the Lord. Thanks be to God. All right. Anybody go to church today? Hallelujah. Hallelujah. You know, I sat next, you know, you guys think I'm tone deaf. I sat next to one of the most tone deaf people. You know, it's underrated a fucking water taxi. I'm looking at one right now. I don't give a shit if you're going to the worst fucking job you've ever had in your life. For that moment,

when you're on that boat, you're a free man. It's like when they were drinking the beers on the roof and fucking Shawshank Redemption. What was I going to say? The fuck was that? Oh, I sat next to this lady, this lady, you guys think that I'm a bad singer, which admittedly I am. The fucking, uh, the lady I was sitting next to, she sat next to me and she goes, uh, told me she just came from a George Thurgood concert. She goes, yeah, he just turned 63, which really made me feel old. I go, yeah, how was he? She goes, oh, he was great. And then she goes, she goes, one whiskey, one Scotch and one beer. First of all, she didn't even get the words right. It's one bourbon, one Scotch, one beer.

And it's, I didn't, she wasn't even tone deaf. She just for some reason couldn't remember the melody. How do you not know that? That's like one of his biggest fucking hits off that cover song, right? One bourbon, one Scotch, one beer. One, would you go one whiskey, one Scotch, one beer. I think she clapped as she was doing it too. One whiskey, one Scotch, one beer. Anyway, if like, if I could have just fucking skydived out of the plane at that point, I would have, it was so fucking horrific. Um, and she had a dog, she had a dog with a little dog sound. She had fucking drugged it up. Jesus Christ. This dog was freaking out. It had this fucking fear and look and it's, oh, I got a bad feeling, man. I was so glad she told me that she drugged it up,

but I, cause if she didn't tell me she drugged it up and I saw that look in that poor dog's eyes, I would have thought that it knew the plane was going to crash. You know, they always say that, like dogs, dogs, they can sense a fucking earthquake. It's so fucking dumb. Can they really sense an earthquake or do they just hear it before we do? Cause they have better hearing. They have that these dumb YouTube videos of the dog sensing it and it like senses it like fucking six seconds before people do. That's not sensing it. That's just your fucking laying on the floor and you're not wearing any clothes. So you felt the vibrations before I did cause I'm sitting in a chair wearing shoes. You know, if it really fucking could sense it coming, it would have fucking, you just see

it one day, just packing a suitcase and putting on its fucking Bing Crosby fedora and you'd be like, hey, lucky where you going? And just be like, listen, man, you know, I know I'm just a dog. I don't wear clothes. I can't drive a fucking car, but I'm telling you, it would be in your best interest to follow me right now into the wilderness. They never do that. They just go, oh, like fucking five seconds before you do. And then they just start running. They don't stand in a doorway. You know what it is? Dogs get fucking hyped up because people have been hurt by other people. You know, and at some point they just, you know, they want dog, like dog, people wish that people would act like dogs. Just always be excited, always be happy, never call them on their shit.

You know, just always freak out when I fucking come home, always do that, always be in a good mood. And I gotta admit, I'm one of those dog people. I actually do this thing with Nia, right? I come home from the airport and I call her and I make sure she has the dog like in another room, so it can't hear me coming up the walk, right? It always ends up right as I get to the walk, you know, to head up to the house that doesn't have air conditioning. Could we just get a standalone unit? And then she just goes, the second the dog stops because it hears me close the door to the car, she always goes, she just looks at the dog and goes, who's that? Who's that Cleo? Is that daddy?

And then she fucking freaks and I hear her nails as she's trying to run across the hardwood floors, fucking slipslide and she fucking comes just a ball of fucking muscle. Come fly, it's the greatest, it's the greatest fucking, it's almost why I do the road, just to watch her freak the fuck out, you know? I feel like the teen idol sensation when I come home. Ah, Jesus people. Where is Joda Rosa this weekend? Where is that kooky Egyptian? All right, let's go here. All right, college broads, college broads. Hey Bill, I'm a freshman in college right now and I've never seen so many good looking ladies in one place in my entire life. Oh, and they're all single, none of them are married, they don't have any kids, bang them before they get fucking crazy.

What do we got here? He says, the problem is that I have trouble flirting with the ladies because I always get anxious around them. How can I start talking to them because I don't think I'll ever have an opportunity to meet hot girls like this again in my life. Oh dude, do you realize what a fucking in the moment smart analysis that is? You're absolutely right. You're at the club, 24 fucking seven, you're living with them. All right, this is like the NFL combine of pussy. So start fucking, you know, get out your clipboard and pick a winner. All right, don't go Ryan Leaf, go Drew Bledsoe. Um, I don't know, Rick Meyer, that's who Seattle picked. Um, the pro, what am I, wait, wait, wait, how can I start? Hot girls. Um, I've been around so many hot girls

like this again in my life. So I don't want to make the most out of these next four years for F. O. R. Um, what is the best way to start meeting these college hotties while I still have the chance? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, there's only one way to learn how to talk to ladies. The ladies, you just got to start doing it. Okay. And give yourself permission to suck at it. You know, to a suck at it to suck at it. This is just like doing comedy. It's like learning how to swim. They just throwing the deep end. You start kicking. That's all you do. Don't kick the women. That's not what I'm saying. It was a bad fucking metaphor there or simile. Simile, like a razz. No, it was a metaphor. No, I didn't, I didn't say hitting on women is swimming. I said

it's like swimming. Oh, shut the fuck up, Bill. Um, yeah, just start hitting on them. You know what? Just what is it? How do you, how do you, how do you fucking drop in? And you know what it is? You're going to figure out what works for you. You're going to figure, you're going to figure it out. Do you have a sense of humor? You know what I mean? That's always great. If you can make them laugh. If you know, I don't know if you just, there's, there's no way. There's no, there's no way. You just have to fucking go do it. All right. And if you stand there on the wall going, she's so pretty. But I don't know what to say to her. You know what? Some douche,

who's probably not, you know, isn't going to bring as much to the table as you are, right? It's those assholes who just walk up to them and they just, Hey, what do you say to perfect tits? I'm just fucking with you. Come on. Don't be like that. Let me get you a drink. They put them in a headlock and they drag them up to the bar. Those guys end up fucking them. I mean, that's an oversimplification. And then people like you stand there going, if she was my girlfriend, I would be like the biggest princess in the world, right? Now what happens? He goes out and does what you're going to go home and jerk off to. So what do you want to do, sir? Do you want to live in a fantasy world or do you want to live in

reality? Just go up and talk to him. Just do it. I don't know. Do something. Just be fucking, you know, obnoxious. Just anything. Just try different things. Try going up there and saying something Ron Burgundy would say, you know, your own. I'm kind of a big deal. Anything, anything to get him fucking laughing, right? Something, but for the love of God, get off the fucking wall. Sleepwalk banging. Hey, Billy boy, I need some advice for something I can guarantee you haven't gotten an email about before. This one is personal. It's not really, what are you hyping your fucking goddamn thing? Just get to it. All right. Over the last year, I have discovered that I engage in sleepwalking behavior. The most hilarious part of it. I think fucking Mike Berbiglia wrote a whole

one man show that's now a movie about this. So I really don't think you're breaking new ground. Although I'll give you the, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. The most hilarious part of it is that I engage in sleep sex. Okay. You know what? Go fuck yourself. Do you think I'm dumb enough to believe this? You're either just making this shit up, or you're a fucking pervert, and you're going around basically sexually assaulting other people. And then I was asleep. Sorry. Did I put my dick on your lip? Oh, my fault. I was sleeping. Anyways, let's, let's, let's just, you know, to fill up the hour, I'm going to read the rest of this, but I'm already calling bullshit. Because I've been with my girlfriend for four years now,

or both 22 years old. We share a room and a house together with other housemates. And let me guess you wander in and accidentally fuck somebody else. Is that what you're going to tell me? Is that really where this fucking email is going to go? I found out that if we don't have sex at least once every two days, I will basically begin to perform sex acts on her while I sleep. Dude, you are so full of fucking shit. I will have absolutely no memories of these. Here's this out. Oh, did I fucking finger bang you with my dick in your ass? Sorry. I was sleep, sleep, sodomizing. I will have no memorize memories of these in the morning unless I wake up during the act. My girlfriend says that my eyes are open, but totally glazed over when I do it.

The most common one is that I will go down on her. This is so fucking stupid. You're asleep. You're asleep and you're dreaming, right? Your eyes are open, but you're still like in REM sleep and you're somehow pulling the covers off. What are you a fucking zombie? You know, I'm not reading the rest of this. This is the most ridiculous fucking, but you know what? Maybe this people interested. I'll keep reading. This is the dumbest thing. This sounds like a Scott Bale movie from the, was this the original draft of zapped? Somebody 43 years old just fucking did a spit take on the dashboard with that reference. What the hell am I? I have also fingered her as well. It's the stupidest thing. The one that I am least proud of

is that I apparently licked my own jizz off her boobs after all, after coming capital letters all in my sleep. Dude, this is the most bizarre fucking thing I've ever read. My girlfriend's actually really cool about it. Hey, he was sleeping. It's fine. Honey, go like this. No, on the other side. Yeah, yeah. You got a little more out there. Um, at this, at first she'll be really startled because she is sleeping too. If I'm going down or in my sleep, she generally let's keep going until she comes. I'll usually wake up as she's coming. We'll have sex and we'll both go back to sleep.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I swear to God, people, there's two more paragraphs of this shit. Do you want me to keep going? The scary part to me is the fear of not having control over my body and my actions. I'm scared because I have clearly shown my ability to perform complete tasks while being completely asleep and having absolutely no memory of them later. I'm afraid that one day I'll find myself waking up, driving my car down the highway. I haven't shown myself doing anything dangerous yet. You haven't shown my, you haven't found yourself, but who knows, right? The only reason I do know about the times it has happened so far is because my girlfriend has been there to tell me it happened. Who knows what crazy shit I've done before I met her in my sleep that I'll

never know about. My girlfriend says, I'm just being paranoid and I should let it be. Wait a minute. You fucking came on your girlfriend's tits, licked your own jizz off of them and she's like, oh, you're just being paranoid. Is this the white chick from every fucking horror movie? I don't think that noise is anything to be concerned about. What would you do? Would you go see a therapist or a doctor for this or would you just let it go? I really don't do it. Yeah, this is beyond. He goes, I really don't want to go to a doctor with a bunch of pills. You know what? I would email Mike Berbiglia. I actually think I vaguely remember him talking about walking over to a window or something, you know, and doing something I can't

remember. You know, I don't remember. I would email him. Oh, why don't you fuck? Yeah, go to another comedian. No, fuck that. Go talk to a professional. All right? Jesus Christ. If that's real, is it real, son? Is it really real, son? That's one of the big things in hip hop. Everybody's good. Yo, this is real, son. This is real. This is life. This shit is real. It's like, dude, it's all real. Me laying on a bed right now doing a podcast in Jacksonville. That's also real. Everything's real, son. Yeah, if it's actually going on. Yeah, man, I don't know what to tell you. Anyways, my girlfriend is blackmailing me. Jesus Christ. Dear Bill, my ex-girlfriend and I were together for two months

before she wanted to watch porn with me. I was all hyped thinking that she was perfect. And she said she'd picked the porno. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable if I picked it. Dude, that's a good thing because if you're too far down the road, you're going to fuck up the whole thing. So that was actually a very smart move. Kudos to you, young man. Um, he goes, the night we did, she turned on the video and it was a cartoon getting raped by a by a tentacle monster and an orc or C. I don't know what the fuck that is. I'm not in this world. Um, I was disgusted and turned it off immediately and stopped having sex with her. Oh, so you guys were having sex and then she turned on this fucking horrific cartoon.

Okay, I've seen those. I've never watched one. I've seen those when you go through. I've seen like the cartoons when I go on the fuck. I want to watch people banging. I don't want to see like, you know, shaggy banging fucking was her name Daphne. Who's the hot one? Um, anyways, I was disgusted and turned it off immediately. Stop having sex with her. She isn't some geek. She's super hot. She started crying saying that I didn't have an open mind. I left and broke up with her. Damn. At school, she spread it around that I was the one that shows the video. Oh, there's Versey. Hey, Versey, I'm wrapping up my podcast. Versey, I'm wrapping up my podcast. Nothing. I'm doing my podcast.

Jesus Christ, Paul, I'm wrapping it up. I'm doing live right now talking to you. Let me call you in like 12 minutes. All right. All right. Is there anything fucking people just can't get off the damn? I got to go. I got to go. Oh, you got to go. Where you going? So anyways, uh, she isn't some geek. She's super hot. She started crying. Okay. So I broke up with her after school. She spread it around that I was the one that chose the video. She then blackmailing me blackmailed me saying she'd stop if we got back together. Ah, for fuck's sakes, Joe DeRosa is calling. Ah, geez, Joe, I'm doing my podcast. You cunts. Let me call you back in 10 minutes. Ah, go fuck yourself, Joe. Tell it to somebody else.

Um, what the hell am I? Uh, so she, she blackmailed me saying she'd stop if we got back together. She'd stop what she already told everybody. My friends say I should, I should get back together with her because she's hot. That is the male brain at 20 years of age. And that, that I keep her getting teased. I can't, you fucked up that sentence, dude. I don't know if you deleted something. He said, even teachers look at me differently. What should I do? Mine is throwing my 10 pound textbook at her head. You know what? Look, dude, you know the real story and it's going to be in your face when somebody comes up to you and was like, Hey, I heard you were watching that fucking octopus raping that chick cartoon video. You just look, just be like, Oh yeah,

is that what you heard? Is that what she told you? Why do you give a fuck? I know you might give a fuck because it's your world. Dude, the last thing you want to do is get together with her. This is what you do. Call her. This is what you do. Oh, I got it. Here's what you do. There is what you do. Why don't you just fucking record a phone conversation with her or have her come over. All right. You fucking hit record on your fucking smartphone. You ever come in and just say, listen, I'm sorry I broke up with you. I'd really like to get back together with you, but you have to promise me you will stop telling people that lie or whatever and you get her to admit it.

And then you just talk to her for 10 minutes. Why are you? Why do you think you're into stuff like that? And you get her to admit the whole fucking thing. And then in the end just go, you know what? I just realized I don't want to get back together. Then you kick her out because fuck her on her feelings at this point. All right. And then you let her spread the fucking rumor. And then what you do is you just upload onto your fucking page, the audio and then you become fucking. Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that because then that's all fucking mean. This is what you do. You fucking hit stop and just say, listen, I'm going to tell you something. Then the next day when you guys are allegedly together, you meet up with her in a coffee

shop like fucking Mickey Rourke in the end to fucking the Pope of Greenwich Village. And then you say, listen, bitch, we're not getting together and you're going to stop saying that shit about me. You know why? Because I got a tape, a tape I took off a dead cop and you fucking punched the side of her hand just like you're talking to Bert Young. Okay, then you put fucking lie in a coffee, Charlie. No, you don't do that. That's what you do. Just fucking record her. And this is the thing. Don't put it on your Facebook page. Just have it on your phone. Okay. And at any point, anybody comes up to you and says it, just say, oh, yeah, listen to this. And then you play it for them and say, there, go fuck yourself. And then that's it. And eventually it'll

get back to her that you have that fucking recording. And then she'll shut the fuck up. But don't don't put it on your Facebook page because then somehow there'll be some sort of cyber bullying. And at the end of it, she has a vagina and you have a dick. So somehow you'll end up being wrong. You know, because if there's one thing I've learned, the ladies are never wrong in the public eye, because they can't bench press as much as us. That's basically what it comes down to. All right, here we go. So that's what you do, sir. Just pretend like you're getting back together with her and then go into an in depth conversation about why she's into those videos and why she would go out and hurt you like that when you would never do something like that

to her. Okay. Don't say you're going to get back together. Just say, I want to talk about this. I have to think about this and just delve into all of that and ask her why she would do something like that. And then at the end, just be like, you know, I don't know. I need to think about this. And then you walk dramatically over to the window and she and then she goes, so does that mean we're back together? And then you go, get out, just get out. And then then you got the tape and then you're good and anybody gives you any shit. Just say, I got audio of her talking about why she's into it. All right. And then call her and then call up tell her just say, listen, I recorded that conversation last night. So it's in your best interest to shut the fuck up. All right.

So why don't you go find a squid to shove in your taut and leave me out of it. And that's the news and I'm out of here. Bill, should I fly the coop and leave my boring boyfriend? Yes. Absolutely. That's it. I don't even need to read it. You're thinking about leaving because your boyfriend boards the shit out of you. You know, if you want longevity, you got to have somebody that keeps your fucking heart going up, pit-a-patta. Um, there is billion. How's it going? I'm a 32, 32 year old lady in need of some advice. I moved to a new place about a year ago to be with my boyfriend and everything with him is perfect. We laugh a lot. The sex is great and rarely argue. It's a dream.

It's a dream. My issue is where we live and who we live with. Oh, shit. This has nothing to do with them. See this? This is why you read them. Um, where the hell am I here? Uh, we laugh a lot. I said, baby, but it did. My issues is where we live and who we live with. I hate the area that we live in and my guts thinks we live in a paradise. Oh, and my guy thinks we live in a paradise and doesn't want to move. We also live with the mean ass relative of his that he is caring for. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Okay. First of all, I'm just going to say you're a saint for actually putting up with this, this long, not being married to somebody and you're fucking with that goddamn inlaw or some shit. Um, I helped take care of this early fuck too,

but I'm over it. I'm thinking about bailing ship. I feel bad about it because one, who am I kidding? I'm old and the baby machine is ready for distribution. Two, the guy I'm with is honestly the nicest person that I've ever met. Anything you and the lovely Nia can suggest would be appreciated. By the way, thanks for making the beginning of my week a little better. Oh, look at you. You're a sweetheart. All right. See you love this guy. You just have to sit down with them and just be like, listen, sweetheart, we're better than this. Okay. You know, I hate living here. At the very least, I think you would be a lot happier if you could just

not be living with the surly motherfucker. You know, is there any way you guys can live someplace nearby? Can you have that surly fuck like in a shed? You know, like that sling, sling blades, uh, brother that they buried in that hole in the backyard. You know, can you just, can you, can you go down to home depot and just buy some sort of fucking four walled structure with a roof and just stick that fucker in there with a, you know, with an air conditioned wall unit. Can we get a wall unit at least? Yeah. I don't think that, you know, if you really love this guy, you shouldn't leave him over this, but like if this guy loves you, you can actually sit down and have a conversation and

just be like, listen, I'm miserable. You know, if I was ever with Nia and she's just like, listen, I fucking hate LA. I can't deal with this anymore. I got to get out of here. You know, now she said, I want to go live in Kansas. I'd be like, well, I don't think I can make a living out there. I mean, you talk, but you know, she wants to go back to New York. I would go back. You know, so who knows, just have the conversation. Have you had a conversation with them? Have the conversation. See how it goes. And then fucking write me back. Let me know what's up. All right. That's it. That's it. All right. Underrated comedy zone in Jacksonville already said that YouTube video of the week. All right. I got this one for you. This is a deep purple video

New York 1973 live concert. They're fucking amazing. And also you got to, you got to, you got to listen to this at 5 46 in the video. This, this fucking epic moment happens right here. Let me make sure I turn this up. This happens right here. Yeah, just for that. I think he was out trying to, he was trying to out Robert plant Robert plant. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you to everybody came out to the shows. I'm really looking forward to go to Bennett go bananas in Cincinnati my fucking hour. I got it. It's down motherfuckers. I got the new hour. You will show up even if you download my special tomorrow, watch that thing wire to wire memorize the whole thing. You will not see one repeated

joke. Okay. All brand new shit. I'm bringing the fire shit is rare. That's a podcast for this week. Please download my special and please, please don't, please don't upload it onto YouTube. Please don't do that. Just like I said, I don't give a fuck in like six months. If you want to put some clips up there at that point, you know, whoever's going to buy it is going to fucking buy it. I don't give a shit, but just just give me the chance to fucking make my money back. All right. Keep in mind that Billy Burr has to make his money back or his next special will be a CD audio fucking only go fuck yourself for all ages. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. I don't want to fly tonight. It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right. It's all right. You