Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-19

Episode Date: October 10, 2019

Bill rambles about bar commotions, taking tests, and Yale students.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, what a fucking sack. That's a forward pass to a fucking lineman. As far as I know, I'm alone in New York alone in New York. Got your head in the oven alone in New York. You're feeling no loving. Um, I'm watching James Madison versus Stony Brook. The rank two and 24th. And I don't know what division this 52 seconds left. It's 3835. This is what you do on a rainy fucking third. I can't believe how much it fucking rains here in New York. I never remember that shit. Yeah, how the fuck can you take that sack over and over again? You got to feel the they

don't feel the pressure division two. It's a goddamn problem. Um, it's actually Wednesday when I'm recording this Wednesday afternoon. And there's it right here, fourth and 14th. He fades back to pass. He throws the fucking ball and it's calling the 50 yard line. Give it to him. Give it to him. 16 seconds to go. The clock has stopped. They're still running up to the line. Just in case you missed out on the exciting end to James Madison versus Stony Brook. They just down the fucking ball and the clock wasn't even moving. Little home cooking there. Little bit of home cooking. Um, yeah, it rained on Monday. It rained today, Wednesday, all goddamn day. And I don't have any, I don't have any rain gear because I'm a big

Hollywood phony and I live out in the desert out there in Los Angeles. So, uh, I know it's fucking annoying. It's beautiful, beautiful, uh, lush landscaping back here. Landscaping landscape back here on the East Coast. All right, here's the final play once again in the shotgun. Number four fades back to pass. Wide fucking open right down to sea, right down to the 29 yard line. There's nine seconds left. The clock is to keep stopping. What is this? Does it stop under two minutes? The referee's got his hand on the guy's fucking head and he ice ball and he fucking spikes it. No time went off the clock. I've never seen that before in my life. Somehow this guy spiked the ball in less than any time it could be registered. Nine seconds left. They got a shot

at the end zone. See, I'm telling you right now, you guys are sleeping, sleeping on division two. Oh God, here this guy coming in. He's got a fucking tattoo array. Would you look at that? These goddamn kids today. This guy's lining up. What, what the fuck yard line were they on? 30 plus 10 plus eight, 48 yard. Boom. Right down the center. That's a tie fucking score, everybody. More division two action coming at you. Days after the game happened here on the fucking Monday morning part. I'm in Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning part. Look at all the happy grandfathers in the stand. Hey, remember when this was division one? And it was all white people. And you never threw the ball. You did the old razzle dazzle. Speaking of which, your New York

Yankees have advanced to the to the ALCS and they are awaiting the winner of the Houston Astros in the Tampa Bay Lightning Tampa Bay, uh, double raise, Tampa Bay raise. We don't offend anybody down there in Florida. I don't want no devil in my team. We've no I fed my ex wife to a gator. I don't need no devil in the nationals, uh, uh, pastime team name. Look at this. This is how fucked up this division is the field go kicker is number 50. He's got a linebacker number. Um, and he gets hugged by a lineman who's 55. Doesn't make any sense. Chair leaders with division two dance moves. I mean, the whole thing. It's just really, that just really is a hierarchy. I tell you, when you can see the

tree line over your fucking bleachers, that's when you know, not, not the NFL dreams over. I'm not even saying that you have, you got some more steps to take. I actually love these fucking stadiums. Little last days, you know, the one we, you know, somebody got up behind you to walk up to the bathroom because you just hear the sound of aluminum siding being stepped on as they climb up the fucking stairs. They go with an onside kick, everybody, which is handled by number 90. He was either a wide receiver or a fucking lineman bumps into his own guy, little skip step and he goes down and that'll be the end of regulation. James Madison action. I'm buying for this job right now. I want to sit in on one

of these games and do some color commentary, throwing that out there right now. So as I get two free tickets to the fucking game, well, I guess I'll be commentating. I'll be sitting right in the announcers booth, right? Anyway, we're waiting. I am as a baseball fan. I am awaiting the matchup that I was, that I said was going to be there way back, way back when the Red Sox made their last attempt to get past, to catch up with the Yankees and they couldn't do it this year. Bohu to me, right? What are they going to win it every fucking year? I'll give a shit. All right. I just want to see some great baseball. So I wanted to see the Yankees versus the Astros, right? The Astros were up two games to none, just like the New York Yankees. But unlike

the New York Yankees, the Astros did not finish off the Tampa Bay former devil rays. Now the rays, possibly the future Montreal Expo devil rays, Gossett Jr. Whatever the fuck they're going to call them. They lost game three. All right, whatever. What are you going to do? Let's come back, you know, game four and win it. And they lost game four convincingly. Both games. So now they, now it's do or fucking die. They're going back to Houston. Extra plane ride as the Yankees rest. So now I was sitting there going, I was sitting there thinking, you know, with no baseball knowledge whatsoever, that, you know, considering Houston one or two years ago and last year came damn close to get, I don't know, we did all right against them,

but I thought they were a real tough team and they were probably pissed that they lost to us, that they were going to come out with some fire here in the playoffs playoffs, right? And that they were going to face off against the Yankees and I felt that I was going to see an epic series. Now God damn it, Houston. Don't don't make don't make a fucking liar out of me here. I don't know. I don't give a shit if the rays, the holy rays, if they win, okay, I just want to see a great fucking series. I love October baseball and I think the winner is coming out of the fucking American, American league. Unless the Astros and Yankees both choke, meaning the devil rays fucking go to the world series, then I feel like, but you never know

about St. Louis. St. Louis is always in there. I don't know anybody on any team. I'm just going by, in the past history, they always seem to fucking win one every few years. They're actually number two all time with 10, I think 10 World Series championships. I basically don't have any stats to back up anything that I just said. All right, so I'm going to watch the game. I watched the end of the Yankees, the clincher. I watched it in this bar in this fucking, I walk in the bar, there was like nobody there, right? Which is always great. But there was four people, two Twins fans and two Yankee fans making enough noise for a crowded bar. And I don't know why they didn't get thrown out. I'm just assuming that it was because it was such a light night. Anybody in there spending

money was welcome. And absolutely just fucking screaming at each other. Screaming. Let's go, Yankees, Yankees suck. Like sitting right next to each other, just scream. And the Twins fans were like, wait, they're like older than me. Screaming that loud. So I go in there and all I get my little fucking club soda, sitting with a buddy and we're watching it. I'm just fucking laughing our asses off. And when the Yankees poured it on the end, you just put the game away. And they were panning to all the sad Twins fans in the crowd. This fucking Yankee fan was gone. Oh, you hate to see it. You really hate to see it. It's fucking dying laughing. He was being such a fucking dick. It was it was hilarious. And then then he started trashing Tom Brady, which I also thought was

fucking funny. I don't know why I guess, you know, because they went at all the fucking time. I don't know. He started making fucking Tom front of Tom Brady. So it's hilarious. And whatever. We were watching the end of the game, and then all of a sudden there was like this commotion. And the bounces came in and they were I don't know which guy I think they were throwing the Yankee guy out. He finally just screamed too much. Or I think the Twins fans got mad that they realized that they were finally going to lose. And the inevitable happened. What you knew was going to happen. What I knew was going to happen the second I walked in here, like this is going to go sideways at some point, right? So the fucking guy gets dragged out. And as usual, the dumbest thing you can do

is argue with the bouncer. Once he puts his hands on you, you're going out the door. So just help him. Walk along, just be like, sorry, I know I'm an idiot, you know, whatever. No resistance. And just get the fuck out of there, you know, intact. But this guy doesn't do that, you know, and you hate to see it. You really hate to see it. So he gets manhandled out the fucking door. You know, you know, bounces are once they start manhandling, they make sure you touch both sides of the door jam, the fucking door, you know, maybe the door handle to the kidney, right? So he fucking gets taken out like a Christmas tree that's still on its stand, basically, right? Spilling the water the whole way out, right?

So then he's out there and I looked at my watch, I was like, holy shit, it's fucking, so it's 20 to one in the morning. I thought it was like 1130. I get the fuck out of here. These games take forever. I got to do some fucking press the next morning. So I'm walking out of there and that fucking drunk jackass is arguing with the bouncer. Like he's got to at some point be like, Oh, you know what? You know what? You're right. I didn't look at it that way. Come back in the bar and continue to straight scream and antagonize other patrons, right? So he's yelling at the guy. And as I walk out, he looks at me and in mid-argument, he just goes, Oh, Bill Burr, I love your stuff. And then he just leaves the bouncer and starts

following me and my buddy up the street. Hey, Bill, Bill, can I get a picture that way and get just like, fuck away from me. You're fucking drunk. If you're sober, absolutely. But you're out of your fucking mind. And he's going, Oh, come on. Checking in on you. He's just yelling all my catchphrases. And he actually had me laugh and I'd swear to God, if he threw one more out, I'd already crossed the street, if he threw one more out, I would have stopped because he was really making me laugh. But there's just nothing worse than a fucking guy, you know, hammered that wants to take a picture with you. It's just the fucking worst. Now, what is that mean? It's over. James Madison, you know, marched down half a field, however they do it in overtime

and they just scored a touchdown. So it's 45. That's not over. Okay. It's gonna say you got to give Stony Brook. They got the fucking stones over here. Now they get the ball to 25 yard line. And they need a touchdown to go ahead. So anyway, he followed me for like, fucking two blocks on the opposite side of the street. I'm just going, Jesus fucking Christ. I don't want to see this guy know what fucking hotel I'm staying at. I don't need this shit, right? And then finally he ducked into a goddamn deli. And I was like, great. And it ended. But he wasn't so shitfaced. I would have taken the picture, but I don't know. I don't subscribe to that. He's a fan. You own the picture. Not if he's shitfaced.

And he's going to come up and scream in my ear, breathe all over me. And then hold up his is inevitable like cell phone that looks like it was fucking stabbed with the goddamn harpoon. And he's going to accidentally have it on video that I'm sorry. And he's going to breathe all I draw the line at that. Now that I'm sober, I'm going to look down my nose at drunk people. Don't you know what you're doing to yourself? I don't know. But that's why I like alcohol because it is social because back in the day, I would have been drunk too. And I would have taken a picture with them probably handed the phone to the bouncer because that would have been funny to me. But now the more mature Hollywood bill

ain't doing it. Anyway, I think the real reason I was fucking tired. Just fucking old. My body's falling apart. I was past the goddamn witching hour. I don't know what the hell happened to me. Any hope. The fuck is okay. Stony book throws it up for grabs and nothing. But now it's third and 10. James Madison with the great pass rush on third on second second and overtime, whatever the fuck they call it. All right, let me let me get to my fucking Google news. People evidently like when I fucking read the news. That's still Wednesday, as I mentioned, I'm going to the I'm going to the fucking stand tonight. I'm going to do a little bit of stand up as I get ready. Before I'm going to do my gigs and

was at Asheville Thursday night and Friday night this week. Jesus Christ, can you fucking block somebody? Third and 10. Stony Brook takes a fucking brutal step sack. Wow. One more play. Fourth and fucking 18. I don't know who that number seven is, but Jesus Christ, he's in on every goddamn play. All right, I'm going to be down there working on my shit, making sure I'm funny. The next two fucking nights down there south and the mice and dicks in line. I want to thank everybody. Let me come on their podcast and shit and let me all fuck. God damn it. That was a tough catch. Fuck in and out of the hands. Jesus Christ. Stony Brook acting like they just won the goddamn fucking Super Bowl.

They did win an overtime, right? Great game though, huh? Great. I know I know I just painted a picture. I want to thank everybody at Barstool Sports, Dan Katz's show, KFC. I finally did history hyenas with Giannis Papas and Christy Stefano. I had a fucking great time. Those two monster comedians. You got to go out and go see them despite. Oh, you got to catch that fucking ball. Despite what Giannis Papas predicts for the stand up future, you know, he's a bright young man. He thinks too much. He thinks too much. He looks at the tea leaves and I don't know. I don't know what happens. I had a great time with both of them. That's definitely going to be a regular stop.

All of those shows, I had a great time. And then I also did Deezus and Maro, which I didn't even know they moved over to Showtime. I thought they were still on vice. They're on Showtime, had a great time with them. And then I did Bobby Kelly. It was his birthday. You guys can watch it. Bobby had all his friends coming by during the whole podcast. Bobby got nothing but gifts. And we sang happy birthday like three times. I didn't even think he was going to be podcasting. I figured it was his day off. You know, he'd have an ice cream cake somewhere with his family. And then that was going to be it. But Bob is such a professional. Okay, the show must go on. He even works on his birthday. Colin Quinn showed up like halfway through the podcast

with some Joe's pizza. And I think I ate more than the birthday boy, which is ridiculously rude. But I don't get good pizza, you know, out on the West Coast. And then there was some giant fucking cookies that looked like they were bricks of lava. And I took one bite out of it. And my body's initial reaction was, please don't do that again. But then the sugar got in my fucking veins and was like, yeah, man, you need to hit that shit. And I just kept fucking eating it. It was like, just imagine a stack of bathroom tiles, you know, those classic square ones. It was probably as thick as like eight of those. And I think I'm still feeling the goddamn effects. I just can't, I can't do what I used to do. So anyways, Patriots vs. Giants tonight.

I know the Giants aren't doing well, but I think Saquon Barkley, if he gets past our front four, and he gets into our secondary, I think he's going to have a good time running around. I'm worried about that. And as far as their quarterback, he's too young to deal with Bill Belichick. Tom Coughlin isn't there. Eli's on the bench. I think maybe we get our second victory against the Giants during the Eli era. Maybe that happens tonight. I have no idea. But I will tell you this, Washington had a great pass rush against us. And historically speaking, the Giants always have a great defense. Although Verzi was telling me that the secondary is leave something to be desired, as my mom would say. So we shall see. I'm going to be

doing a show during the game, but I'm going to try to have it, I'm going to try to have it on. Patriots, just a light, light, light schedule so far. I don't think I'm really going to know who the fuck this team is until we play Kansas City, you know, feasting on these fucking and what happened to parody? Is the parody this year that everybody sucks? Anyway, I'm being a dick. I'm sorry. Let's take a break here. We'll do read a little bit of advertising here on the podcast. I don't even have the advertising yet. 19 minutes in. I'll just remember to drop it in there. And we're back. Oh, what a read. I think I just did. So anyway, I don't have enough

shit to do today, which is fucking great. I got up and I've been studying this goddamn shit for my instrument that I've been telling you about breaking out the old E six B from my fucking ground school. I actually love that thing. Now I hated it. All of these little cunty fucking things. I'm like, I'm going to figure you out. And I just with my instructor, the book, YouTube, I just fucking I just, you know, I'm under no pressure to get this fucking done under any so I guess I got to do it by the end of the year or else the test change changes a little bit. I don't give a shit though. Why would you want to blow through this? I want to understand it, right? So I was having a hell of a time with the fucking HSI, right? Your horizontal situation

indicated when it reverses figuring out where the fuck I would be when they were showing it on the map. I get it now in that I can read it correctly, but I still don't quite get how it lines up with the asthma, how the whole fucking thing is switched. Well, I think I'm north, but I'm south or east or west. The whole thing is fucking weird, but it's going pretty good. You know, I definitely get, you know, it definitely starts to feel like math class when I was just like, ah, fucking, let's just make the class laugh, get a fucking failing grade and I'll hang out with the class clowns over the summertime, which was a great thing to do as a class clown. You know, because if you just made your class laugh during the regular

like part of the year, you would, you was sort of a big fish in a little pond. You know what I mean? But all of a sudden when you went to summer school, it was just nothing but class clowns. So in order to fucking hold your own, you needed a certain confidence level and you had to up your game. And I don't know, I probably learned, I probably learned more about comedy going to summer school than I did anywhere else other than just becoming a fucking comedian. The not giving a fuck level. We tried to capture some of that on efforts for family. I don't know whether we did or not, but yeah, we definitely tried to because it's weird. It's just like going to jail where you just become a better thief.

You go to summer school, you just become a better class clown. That's, you know, you see new levels of disrespect to teachers. By the way, did anybody see those fucking Yale kids? I don't know what the fucking, this chick is all upset. She's one of 500 kids and she's all mad. I couldn't get past the part where she was mad that the guy didn't know her name. I had a fucking teacher one time in high school. He didn't have 500 fucking kids. He had like, I don't even know what he had. He had like 20 kids per class. He taught like fucking six classes. He had 120 kids. I had him two years, two out of four years at high school. He called on me once freshman year and then once halfway through my junior year.

And he called me by the wrong name and the class thought it was funny and so did he. I didn't try to corner him outside to be like, Hey man, how come you don't know my name? Snap in my fingers. You have to fucking see this. I can't tell if it's a comedy sketch, a zombie movie. I don't know what the fuck it is, but they were all coming off like they were in like the Manson family. And the guy's trying to be a good guy. He's answering. He's literally just, he's validating every fucking thing that they're saying. And as he's saying it, all the students are like cocking their heads, you know, like, you know, in Jim Rome does that like, what did you just say? Right? They're doing that the whole

time. I couldn't want, I just want, what the, what happened with that guy can't be like, shut the fuck up. You want a 500? Get over it. I don't know. I got through five minutes. It's like a half hour long. If you want to watch it, I'll fucking repost it. I don't even know what is going on. It's like, it's like, you guys, you live in America and you go into Yale, you're crushing it. I mean, I find somebody who's doing better than you. What, what, what are you, what are you going to? Somebody with a Ponzi scheme down on Wall Street? Boohoo. You're not making as much money as that guy. You go to Yale, the Yale bowl. It's the first, everybody, that's where it all started,

college football, the whole design of the stadium. What is the problem? I just don't feel like, you know, if you don't know my name, then, and every complaint was just, it was just coming. You know what the biggest problem is? What is affecting me right now? The whole thing, I don't know. I don't know what, I probably should shut up about it, but just watching this guy being totally fucking courteous, answering the thing, and no matter what he said, it was like, no, fuck you. We're taking you out. Snap, snap, snap. I wish one of them was my kid. I would call him up and be like, if you ever do that to a teacher again,

I'm going to stop paying for your tuition. Just snap into the phone. You don't talk to your teachers like that. All right, fuck is wrong with you. I don't, how the fuck did he end up outside? Was he walking out to his car and they all just surrounded him like the fucking Manson family with Brad Pitt? Did somebody put a knife into his fucking tire? And what happened? The guy couldn't get out of there. Where was fucking campus security? I don't know. The whole thing was fucking weird. You know what's the worst is that it's filmed and someday all of those kids are going to grow up and then they're going to see that and their kids are going to see it.

Them surrounding this teacher who's trying to be a good guy and no matter what he says, no matter how much he apologizes, they just keep treating him like an asshole and then snapping their fingers. And they like film themselves doing it. I don't understand. I guess that's being young, I think. You know, you're at that age. We're going to change the world, man. You know, which is a good attitude to have. I mean, short of cornering your fucking teacher. They were talking to that guy like they had survived the plane crash, you know, and then there's always that selfish guy that eats more than his share and help isn't on the way yet. You know, there's always that one selfish release. They always used to have that in those fucking

movies. They were talking to him like he was, he was like that. I mean, I don't know what. I'll tell you right now, you could not do that when I was a college student. I want to do a gig at Yale. Guys, can you book me there? I want to do a gig and you guys boom me after, no, don't boom me. Just snap after every joke. No, I could never do a gig at Yale. Those people are too smart. They understand the world beyond their professors. I mean, this is just different level, uh, human beings and evidently we need to listen to them. Oh my God, that's the guy from the guardian angels. Jesus Christ. Remember that guy? The guardian angels way back in the day. There was a thing when there was like too much gang violence and all of this

type of shit and people didn't feel protected. This guy, the guardian angels, he decided that he was going to have a gang of people that just help people that weren't in a gang. And I got to tell you the balls that it took to be in that thing walking down the street with that fucking beret when you came in there and rather than, you know, this gang gets along with this gang, but doesn't get along with that gang. No gang got along with you. This guy had the fucking balls in the heart. I mean, I don't know how much it worked out or whatever, but you got to give it up to him for trying. I remember just hearing stories about those guys fighting other fucking gangs and shit. Jesus Christ. You know, how often can you get into a fight?

You get into a fight. I mean, that's it. Even in boxing, right? Those guys fight for a living. They have a fight that is like, you can't have another fight until, you know, I don't know how long after that, three months, four months, six months, something like that. These fucking guys had to fight every single night. I'll tell you after one night, I'd be like, Hey man, I don't want to wear this beret anymore. I've had enough. I'm going to walk around with a fucking red nose. God damn day of my life. People thinking I'm fucking booze and I'm stone sober. I'm just getting my ass kicked every night and not to mention, I don't look good in red. Okay. So anyways,

I don't know. I honestly, somebody, somebody sent me that fucking video and I started to watch it and I was just, I didn't get upset. I just was just baffled. I just, I don't understand people that when they call somebody out on something and then the guys go and like, the person's like, Okay, I see what you're saying. I guess maybe I did that because I'm not good at remembering names. They just weren't having any of it. I don't know. Holy shit is that guy fucking old. That guy that, sorry, I got like the New York sports channel on here. That guy who fucking dances at the Rangers game every time. After every time they score a goal, dancing Larry or something like that. Fuck. Do you know how I noticed how old I am though?

When I was doing the history hyenas, they had the picture of me in the background, you know, from the, the still from the special and it was right over Chris's shoulder. And I just, you know, every time I would be talking to Chris, looking at him and then would glance at my face and then back at Chris, who's in the prime of his fucking life and then look at me over the hill, you know, like that lion that's going to be challenged any day and fucking lose, send off into the wilderness to get run down by some hyenas. Look at that. Goes right back to the podcast. Maybe that's what that was. I don't know. And I was just like, fuck him old. Anyway, college kids, Jesus Christ, what are you doing? What are you doing to your

professors? Huh? What are you doing to him? Surrounded him on the fucking school grounds, having an inquisition and no matter what they say, it's not good enough. Come on, Yale, you're better than that. That's the kind of behavior I expected Harvard. See that you got to divide and conquer. I'm sure they're listening right now and just being like, you know, sports aren't everything, man. Everything is everything. I honestly, I don't, I don't know. Maybe this is just part of getting old. I guess everything fucking changes because I can't imagine like grandparents looking at my generation, we would listen to the fucking devil music allegedly. They went from Benny Goodman and fucking Moonlight Serenade.

I don't shed onto the apple tree. Well, anyone else but me, right? And by the time my generation came around, you're fucking crazy. Oh, child. They're probably like, what the fuck? What the fuck happened to these kids? So I guess this is the next level. At least they're not doing crack, man. All right, hang in there, Yale. I'm sure it's really hard to be going to an Ivy League fucking school that the whole world respects. I just hope when you get out of there, you could somehow find a job, man. Good luck to you. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, your cunts. And you know, if you meet somebody from Yale, make sure you remember their name because that is the most important thing in the world. All right, go fuck

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shit to become a member and get 50% automatically taken off your first order with free shipping. Feels.com slash burr man. It's like burr. You are. I'm sorry. Yeah. Awake on my airplane. Awake on my airplane. My skin is bad. My skin is bad. Awake on my airplane. Awake on my airplane. My skin is bad. My skin is bad. There's I feel like a newborn. And I feel like a newborn. Awake on my airplane. Awake on my airplane. Uh, I wasn't listening to you. I was already looking at the next question.

You know what? Before I came in here, I was reading about adult ADHD because you know, I like to read it every couple months and like make you take a quiz just to confirm the facts. Bring it in here. I'll take the quiz. I'll take the quiz right now. Have adult ADHD. Should I go get it? Go get it. I'll take it and I'll answer the next one. I'm going to fucking destroy this test. You know, she's out of the room. You know, I'm going to destroy it. I'm just going to fucking lie and never let the broad in your life psycho fucking analyze you. All right. Whether you want it or not, they're already going to be running around in your head. You don't need to fucking open the door. You know what I'm saying?

When you get in a relationship with a woman, you remember that Star Trek one where they fucking tied those guys hands behind their back and they stuck that worm in their fucking helmets and they put it on and they went in their ear. That's what I'm talking about. Now let me take this fucking test here. Here we go. All right, ready? This is the whole the whole thing is the whole thing is never rarely, sometimes often. Okay. That's how you answer. Is that the title of it? No, that's how you answer. You already failed. That sounds like a fucking the name of a book. How often do you never rarely sustain your intention while doing something for work, school, hobby or fun activity, e.g. remaining focused during lectures. That's

too many fucking things. Hobby, if I'm playing drums, I haven't even finished the questioning. Because it's vague. Are you gonna do this or not? All right, good. I'll just pretend you have like power over me. How often do you have difficulty sustaining your attention while doing something for work, school, hobby or fun activity? Never. If you already know the answers. Never rarely, sometimes often. Often. Okay. How often are you easily distracted by external stimuli, like something in your environment or unrelated thoughts? What? Is that not often? Say it again. I was already thinking about the joke. In the middle of it, I was going, can I imitate Barbarina? What? Are people going to get it? Oh

my god, I don't even need to. I don't even need to ask you often. How often are you easily distracted? You're not a doctor. You're not a doctor. You're not a quiz. I'm not saying I'm a doctor. Quiz by psychcentral.com. Oh, shit. Forget it then. Whatever they say I am. How often do you avoid disliked or are reluctant to engage in tasks? I hate people who spell psych. I'm psyched and they spell it with an S. It's so gay. How often do you avoid disliked or ever reluctant to engage in tasks? How dare you embarrass me like this on my own fucking podcast. Sustained mental effort or thought. You know all these answers are going to be up. No, I actually didn't hear the first part of it. You cannot fucking pay attention to save your fucking life. Everything you read. No,

because it reminds me of other shit. That's exactly what ADHD is. ADHD is you can't focus. It doesn't mean it reminds you of other shit. Bill, the second question was how often are you easily distracted by external stimuli? Like something in your environment or unrelated thoughts? That was question number two, Bill. Often. Oh my god. How often do you have trouble listening to someone even when speaking directly to you like your mind is somewhere else? Often. It's not somewhere else. They're not interesting. And then I just start going, look at their shoes. Screw you. You're saying I'm not interesting. Don't fucking do it. You can make it all about you.

Well, I got a fucking disease over here. You're fucking. Oh, no. Often. How often do you have difficulty in organizing a task or activity needed to get done? E.g. poor time management fails to meet deadlines, difficulty managing sequential tasks. Not one of those was good. What? Oh, I thought those were what you said in the end with the options. I told you at the beginning that it's never rarely, sometimes or often. That's how you answer. Somewhere between rarely and sometimes. I get shit done. I'm a successful fucking guy. That's true. So why don't we say sometimes? Okay. How's that?

Well, you're not supposed to say it. I was supposed to say it. What do you mean we? Well, I apparently need to coach you through this because you keep getting distracted. Oh, you are a devil woman. How often do you fail to give close attention to details or make careless mistakes and things such as schoolwork at work during other activities? Rarely. Take my work seriously. Okay. Sat in that fucking writer's room six, seven, eight hours a day. I didn't have to be there. Could have showed up like the douche. Hey, write me something. That's true. I didn't. I sat there. How often do you forget to do something you do all the time,

such as missing an appointment or paying a bill? Not all the fucking time. Not paying a bill, though. I pay bills. Yes, you do. Yeah. But that's the important shit in here. The important shit. I'm fucking locked and loaded. I'll put sometimes all the dumb shit. How often do you lose misplaced or damaged something that's necessary in order to get things done? Your phone, eyeglasses, paperwork, wallet, keys, et cetera. Do I lose it or damage it? What do you mean damage it? Throw it. How often do you lose misplaced or damage? Either one. Oh, all the fucking time. Yes. How often do you have trouble following through on instructions or failing to finish schoolwork chores or duties in the workplace?

EG, you started to have to quickly lose focus in our easily sidetracked. Sometimes, but not that much. I'm really good with the work thing, yeah. Yeah, no, I would agree with that. Obviously you are. There's no doubt that you are successful. So what is the end game of this? So then you find out I have fucking ADHD, fucking whatever. And then what? I lose the argument about the fucking closet downstairs? How often are you unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly? How often are you unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly? Well, I mean, cigar smoking is pretty quiet. I love doing that.

Sometimes. Rarely. Okay, rarely. How often do you have difficulty waiting your turn, such as while waiting in line? Who the fuck wants to stand in line? Let's go. No, if I see a long line, I just think about what is it really worth standing in line? Is this, you know, imperative to my fucking survival? I don't need it. I'm out. Often. How often do you feel like you're on the go, acting as if you're driven by a motor, e.g., you're unable to be or uncomfortable being still for an extended period of time? All right, all right, I see where this is going. Such as in a restaurant or a meeting? No, I like going to restaurants. Bill, at the end of a meal, right? While people are still

finishing dessert, you literally have your coat on and you have your credit card out, you're holding it on the table, like looking around. I know, because that's because of the fucking small talk throughout all of it. Oh, here's the story. People tell a story, you know, this is when you know a story is bombing. In the middle of it, you have to go, so then the fuck isn't grabbing their coat? Sometimes I'll put. How often do you leave your seat and how often do you leave your seat in situations when remaining seated is expected? Tempest on whether I'm being entertained, leaving your place in the office or workplace. If I'm being entertained. Sometimes, okay. Yeah, I have a hot fucking.

How often do you blurt out an answer before a question has been completed, e.g., completed another person's sense or can't wait your turn in conversation? Oh, an answer like I know the answer, because that doesn't happen, because I don't know the answer. How often do you blurt out an answer before a question has been completed? Jeopardy or wheel of fortune never happens. I'm putting often, and you know it's often. Can I put often? Hey, do whatever you want. This fucking test isn't going to affect my life in any way. What your point is? How often do you feel restless, like you want to get out and do something? Yeah, like I get up and during the day, I want to do something. Yeah, I want to lay around like a

douche. So yeah, often. How often do you fidget with or tap your hands or feet or swarming your seats? How many more? That's the same fucking question over and over and over again. How often do you fidget or tap or squirming your seat? I don't know, sometimes. Okay. How often do you find yourself talking excessively? Can I tap out? Can I tap out? How often do you find yourself talking often? Sometimes I'm running my mouth all the fucking times. Other times I clam up, like when I'm at a party, I don't walk in and take it over. I see everybody, talking about that bullshit, I'm just like, this is awful. You don't understand the coin, I don't say anything. Okay, sometimes. How often do you interrupt or intrude on others, such as butting into their

conversation or taking over what others are doing? Well, I was with it until the end, taking over. It's a little fucking hard. Butting in or taking over. Yeah, this is all the same fucking question, over and over again. See, a patient, non ADHD person would be able to take this quiz and like... You know what, this is just mind rape. All right, it's almost done. Were several of the symptoms present prior to age 12? No. Do you never felt this way as a little boy? Okay, no. No, I didn't. All right. The fuck was I worried about? Do these symptoms appear in at least two or more settings at home and school? Or home and work or whatever? Yeah. All right, your score. This is 20 questions. You scored a total of 42. Based upon your responses to this adult ADD, ADH

screening quiz, you have replied in a way similar to people who have symptoms of moderate to severe attention deficit disorder. Moderate to severe? Moderate to severe. That's pretty much the entire gamut. Oh, there you go, psych.com. You might have it a little bit or severe. All of that mental torture. Do you see why I tap out half the time? Symptoms typically worsen in situations that require same attention or mental effort or that are boring. You know, that was written by boring people that are tired of getting interrupted by exciting people like me. Exciting creative forces of nature like Bill Burr, everybody. Ah, go fuck yourself. I love you anyway. Oh, don't fucking see what you just did. You dragged me through my own shit and then they go, but I love you.

Hey, look at this right here. This is the guy I worked with the other day, Brad Carter. Who? Right there. You remember him? Right? Look at this picture right there. Reggie Lidoo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Reggie Lidoo did that shit. He was awesome. Yeah. I'm going to post a video. He had, he had, he's got a video on the internet says man plays guitar while having brain surgery, and it's him. What? Because they were, they were, I'll let him tell the fucking story. I already sound dumb enough as it is, but uh, fucking, uh, that's cool. Amazing fucking actor. Funny as fucking hell and like can be scary if he wants to be. I'm really looking out for this guy to do big shit, man. All right. That's the Monday morning podcast,

everybody. Good luck with your holiday shopping and good luck if your fucking wife comes in and goes, Hey, you want to take a test? Cause I can tell you right now she has a fucking axe to grind and you're going to fail it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.