Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-24

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Bill rambles with Josh Wolf about legends, plastic surgery, and industry suits. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (01:08:44) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 10-10-16 Bill rambles about hurricanes, robots, and potato pancakes. (02:27:40) - Anything Better NFL Week 6 Picks & Preview 

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm checking in to see how your week's going. And obviously when we videotape this, you know that I have a special guest.

And this special guest, I've been trying to get on here to be a special guest for a long time and all kinds of crap has happened. And I caught the flu and then I had Ebola and then there was the pandemic. Well, he's finally on. He has a new special out called Josh Wolf, four stories that you can get at four stories.com.

Four stories, comedy.com. Four stories, comedy.com. I never make a minute without doing, making a mistake. Please welcome the one and only Josh Wolf. What's going on, man? We finally made it happen. I know, here we are. This has been years in the making.

It has. And I feel like it goes back to Big Poppy's roast or no? Yeah. When was that? Was that before the pandemic? Pre-pandemic. By the way, one of the best weekends of my life. That was such a fun weekend.

All right, let's set up. Big Poppy was getting roasted. It was the end of his career, right? End of his career. And he wanted to get roasted. And we did it at the Hard Rock Cafe, right across the street from Fenway Park. And it was to get roasted and we did it at the Hard Rock Cafe right across the street from Fenway Park and it was, you know, oh god.

We went to. Lenny Clark was on it, Rob Gronkowski was on it. Gronk, Anthony Mackie, Pedroia, who might have been the funniest one, because he told. Oh, he was hostile. He told that story about Poppy not knowing his name. Yeah, but he was also like mad at all the comments because they kept making fun of him. They kept making fun of him for being short.

And then he turns around and he goes, unlike you guys, I wrote all my jokes. I'm sitting there going like, fuck you, you little shit. I wrote my jokes too. Yeah, he was fucking. He was mad. Yeah, no, but I also saw why he made it into the big leagues.

I love Dustin Pedroia, but he was, he had had enough of that non-athletic fucking miles running about him. Adam Ray dressed up, remember he has an old Yankee fan, so nobody knew who it was. Oh, it was fantastic. And Pedroia was sitting next to me, because I was sitting next to him on the stage, and he was like, who the fuck is this guy? He was so fucking mad that Adam kept referring to him as short. He was like, who's this fucking old dude?

I gotta take shit from you guys and some old dude? Yeah, it was amazing. And the thing was, he wasn't taking that much shit. It's just so many people told him he was short his whole life and that he wasn't gonna make it to the big leagues. I mean, he had a story about that. I think when he was trying to figure out what college to go to, they brought up his height and then like and then there was like one or two

short jokes and his thermometer just went through the roof and I didn't say one short joke I was like you know what he like by the time I get up there he's gonna start swinging and this guy can hit one over the green monster I don't want I don't want to take this so. Gronk took the most without a doubt. I got Lenny pretty good by the way Lenny to me might be the most underrated He's so funny Lenny Clark And by the way, I love my favorite joke. I did was talking about his past cocaine use

He said if Lenny sneezed right now, the kids wouldn't have they wouldn't have school until January right now the kids wouldn't have school until January. And Lenny Clark, he went through eras. That was like sweat pant era Lenny Clark when he was just wearing sweats on stage. No, no, no, he had the crazy outfit. He had the Crayola yellow pants with the black thing and then something else yellow. I told him he looked like a Legoland construction worker No, then he got into yeah. No there was There was young Lenny. Yeah with like that the 70s hair and then it was mullet Lenny good That's a good area and then it became big Lenny. Yeah, and

then it became There was like two or three more Lenny's and then it became then there was pull-up Lenny and then it became, there was like two or three more Lenny's and then it became, then there was Pull Up Lenny. Jacked. Did you ever see Pull Up Lenny? Jacked Lenny. This guy, he's like 60 something years old. Jacked.

We're doing comics, come home and he's on the Bruins Pull Up bar and he's going up and down like, it looked like when a young person puts an old man's suit on, old man suit on but he was actually doing it. It made no sense. I always wondered also because Lenny I don't know what his top weight was but it he was oh there was cigar Lenny but how did cocaine Lenny get so fat. Lenny finished a cigar lit the other one with that one and just like he was like chain smoking cigars and then then the cigars went away. Yeah, now it's just workout Lenny. That's where he is right now. He's workout Lenny right now. That's where he is, workout Lenny.

I've loved all the Lenny's. Yeah, me too. There's been a lot of Lenny's. There's been a lot of Lenny's. Yeah, but when I was doing the roast, as much as I was getting them, him, coming up in that scene, he's one of the Mount Rushmore guys, so it's also like, is he gonna get mad at me? He's not a little guy.

No. All of those guys are like 6'2", 6'3", and he's banging out like 20 pull-ups like he's looking for his male. And I'm like, do I need old school fucking Lenny to put those with his grip strength to be grabbing me by the neck? You definitely don't want to get beat up by a 68 year old. That's tough to explain. Who's on your Mount Rushmore of those Boston guys?

Who would it be? Well, Mount Rushmore is only four people. So I think it would be like, you remember when Tony Soprano did the, James Gandolfini did the cover of Cigar, Fixing and Auto Magazine? He goes, I'm only doing it if everybody's on, and it opened up and there was everybody, if you were gonna really do it, it would be Leno,

because Leno, before there was even comedy clubs, I mean, he's literally the guy that took the beach, and then there was all the ding ho guys, Sweeney, Don, Gavin, Jesus Christ, DJ Hazard, Tony V, Kenny Rogerson, Jimmy Tingle, Steven Wright. Kenny Rogerson, that name. Frank Santarelli. Was Kenny Rogerson like ridiculously funny?

I've heard stories about Kenny Rodgerson. Oh yeah, yeah, and what was great about him was I don't know if he wasn't from Boston or if he was just on his own wavelength. He didn't have like the so-called Boston style. Like, you know, Boston people, we, you know, I think we've mellowed, but like as crazy as we were, those guys were fucking maniacs.

Pull over in the car and beat the shit out of somebody half your fucking age and then continue the conversation. Like that level, crazy. Kenny was like, you know, so they all had like that rapid fire, you know, there was a lot of like the Don Gavin, Kevin Knox, how did I forget him? That rapid fire, and I really feel like all of that is just people that think that fast and are going over here, now I'm over here. That's all like you had a fucked up childhood. Yeah.

And in any second something could happen. So you just, okay, what the fuck was that? Block that out. Hey, let's talk about this over here. The older I get, that's really like a lot, oh my God, dad's taken off the belt. You know, it's like one of those deals. But like Kenny had like, he had a slower pace, but he was still like a storyteller and everything.

But he had like his own, just had, John Panett was another guy. I mean, dude, the level of just standing ovation. Crazy. Like I always forget a few guys. I said Steven. Yeah. I said Steven. Yeah. I said Steven.

He was my first live comedy concert. I remember seeing him in Hartford and I drove from my high school in Amherst and that hooked me because I mean that must, but every comedy show must be downhill after that. I mean, there's nobody like that guy. And that guy has like arguably the best jokes in standup history.

And just think about like, and I'm just saying as far as like jokes, not like storytellers or like, you know, social commentary, I just mean jokes. That guy's fucking jokes. It's just- But to fill an hour with that many jokes is what got me. I mean, this is all punchlines.

It's like 180 or possibly two. Well, he talks slow, so probably three a minute. That was the thing, like I used to open for Brian Kylie, another amazing Boston comic, and he used to sit there going like, you know, he goes, dude, I don't tell stories like these other guys. He goes, for me to do like 45 minutes, he goes, you got to understand, that's like close to like 180, 200 jokes.

And I was thinking about it, I never fucking thought about that. And what I always loved about those joke guys is a lot of times there's like no segues. So then, you know, what tethers most people's acts together is I talk about this for six, seven minutes and then I go to that and da da da and there's sort of like this through line where their jokes are so perfect. Brian Kiley, Hedberg, Steven Wright, their jokes are so perfect that they can go any. Like all of them are closers, all of them could be openers. All of, you know, they're almost wasted in the middle because that's all they have is great openings

and closing the whole thing. But like you have to remember all of those freaking jokes. Jackie the Joke Man. Jackie the Joke Man, I don't know how I remembered all those jokes. I opened for Cable Guy for about three years. And I was just sitting, my brother was like, I'm not gonna come, I don't think he's my sense of humor. I said, he tells 300 punch lines a night.

So if he only hits 50%, you're laughing 150 times. And so my brother was like, I go just come free tickets. And after the show, he was like, I can't believe how many times I laughed. Yeah. They said, you're not good. There's no way you could laugh at all of them, but there are so many of them. You're guaranteed a hundred laughs. That's a lot of laughs. I, yeah, I can't do that. No, me neither. And I'm not even like a good joke writer.

Me neither. I just go off on shit or like tell stories, but like, you know, it's funny, my daughter's really, she's seven now, she's really getting into jokes. So, you know, she has like, you know, she wants me to do, like, jokes, like, tell some jokes, and I got, like, the level of thinking. It's like, I don't do this.

I don't think, and then I just make up dumb jokes. But she likes it. My wife loves the dumb jokes. Do you ever open... Like, how did Daryl throw out his back? I don't know. From Hall and Oates. Ah. It's a dad joke. That's the worst joke ever.

No, but the thing is, is it's so bad. It's so fucking bad. She always puts her head down, shakes her head, and then starts laughing, but she's laughing because it is bad. And also kind of the story of that band. Like he probably thinks he was carrying John you know Yeah, listen mustache alone has got at least 40 pounds if there's one guy not to get in the middle of that

I love both of them, and I wish they would be on the same tour bus Do you and write some more yeah? But if there was you don't like to see the Everly brothers not like each other are they alive, huh? Yeah, they died. They passed the torch to those Oasis guys. Those guys never get along. Two of the funniest fucking bastards I've ever seen in my life. Who?

Those Oasis guys. Oh yeah, dude. I love seeing them argue. Their jokes are better than their music and their music sells out the O2 arena. I hear they're getting back together. I like them so much more when they hate each other. It's, to me, so much more entertaining. So much more.

I would listen to a double album of them just shitting each other. If they made a mix tape where in between every song they said some shit about each other, you know how, like, I can't imagine if you were like the parents of them and you just remember when they played in a sandbox being like what the hell happened Did we not take him to the fucking amusement park enough times? Like how do you? How do you get to this point and that level of hate for your brother is so I got three brothers

I mean we disagree but that level of hate for each other that's reserved for Yeah, me and everybody in my family at this point, all my relatives, we all know what buttons not to push. And every once in a while, you still do it. And then you start, all right, all right, all right, forget it, forget it, forget it. Yeah, yeah. Not worth it, not worth it.

You're right, you're right. I don't wanna do this. And I just like, but if I don't see them for a while, I forget, and then we start to get into it again. Yeah, it was like. Does your daughter, has she heard your stand up? No, she knows. She goes, you know, she says, daddy,

are you doing stand up tonight? And I say, yeah. She goes, are you saying the bad words? And I go, yeah. And she goes, why do you say the bad words? I go, because I don't know how to write a joke. They're the PEDs of stand-up comedy. Yeah.

You know, Jacob started touring with me. My youngest son started opening for me. And how old is he? 27. It's been amazing, dude. Really, because you know one thing that you've. Now, if he has a better set than you, how does that make you feel as a father?

Oh, I just go up and, first I'm proud, and then I make fun of him. You know, I can't have him winning the show. No, no, he, listen. You gotta go a little great Santini. Yeah, but we do like a Q&A because so many of my jokes have been about him at the end of the set that he gets a lot of shots in at me. It's just fun.

Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a lot of fun. All right, you know what you should do? You should bring him up in the end. At the end? of shots in it, May. It's just fun. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot of fun. All right. You know what you should do? You should bring them up in the end. At the end? After you're set, you should bring them up and you guys should just trash each other.

That's what we do. Oh, you do that. All right. Look at that. That's what we do. Another non-original idea. You know what you should do, Josh? You should do what you're already doing.

Well, tell me about this special. Now, is this special? what are we talking about here? Is this an older, wiser Josh Wolf lets this in a little bit more? Yeah, you know what it is, man. It's something that I was told not to do a million times. I was told, because the whole special is just for stories. Don't make fun of AIDS.

That was the big thing when we were growing up. Don't bring up AIDS. Don't bring up AIDS. Don't bring up AIDS. Now you can bring up AIDS. Well they cured it. Yeah. Well magic Johnson magic Johnson. Magic Johnson got it. Magic Johnson didn't get it. Like they would still be like hey about four years when he got AIDS and got healthier. I was like come on guys. Yeah. Well he had HIV. It never went into the thing. Yeah. It doesn't even show up in his system anymore. Is that right? Yeah. This special, no AIDS, but- I mean, I never looked at his medical records, but that's what they said.

It's funny, if they were sending the blood test to you. How quickly I just, yes, I can confirm that. Didn't everybody kind of become a doctor during the pandemic? Why can't I do that now? Okay, have you ever said to your doctor, hey, I Googled and looked at their face? When you tell your doctor, hey, I Googled this, all the blood runs out of their face. They must be so mad. They're like, I went 12 years, years I learned shit you think Google beats 12 years Yeah, that would be like if you did your act and then somebody walked up to you with the jokebook being alright listen to this one

That's basically what it is. But the problem is it's not the fucking doctors It's it's the it's it's the FDA and the pharmaceutical companies and the fact that nobody is watching them Yeah, and yeah It's the FDA and the pharmaceutical companies and the fact that nobody is watching them. Yeah. And yeah, the food supply is making everybody sick and then they give you these things that fix what the food did to you, but then the side effect gets you into the hospital. You're just basically this vehicle for them to make money off of. That's right.

Yeah. Like you know those psycho moms that are slowly killing their kids so they can fucking get attention when they die? I feel like that's what like everybody in power is doing to their own people. Which I think is fantastic because eventually someone will invade this country and they'll have made everybody so fucking sick

that they'll actually have to fight the war. Listen, I look at, there are people in this country that like, okay. Who are people in this country that like, okay. Who are these people? You ever go, you work out, and I went to the gym recently, I was looking for a trainer, and they had this. What are you looking for, blonde, 26?

No, maybe. Bullet tits. 32. Bullet tits? Bullet tits, like the 50s. Bullet tits. Getting out of the Ford Thunderbird convertible. You know, there was. Bullet tits like the 50s For Thunderbird convertible, you know there we daddy. Oh

Let's go do some jumping jacks Do you know the the one and only time and I'm telling this story on stage So I won't get into it But there was one only time that I hire that I called for a hooker She had one fake tit and one real one. And she couldn't, she told me she was like, I couldn't afford to get them both done at the same time. It was the craziest, they looked so good in the bra dude. They took off the bra and one of them just kinda.

Oh, so one sag, but they were still the same size. Hard to say when one looks like it just had a stroke, and the other one is looking straight ahead at you. It was really hard to really judge the side. It was so distracting, dude. Did you ever set up a benefit so she could get her other titty? That would have been amazing. The one titty benefit? I did not keep in touch with her, believe it or not. Hey, I participate in human trafficking, but that doesn't mean I don't help people.

Yeah. Bullets is not a term I heard. Do you believe in a God that cares? Like when I just hear stories like that, I'm just like, he just makes shit and he just moves on. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like this fucking asshole who fixed the air conditioning

in my house and he just, you know, the crawl space to get up, the hole, it wasn't enough. So he just fucking hacks it out with like this hatchet, and then they put this half-ass thing that they painted while it was in there, so the borders are still, okay? And I asked the guy to come back like nine fucking times, he still hasn't come back.

He's like, what's the problem? He's like, what do you mean, what's the problem? You cut a hole in my ceiling. You ever see Toy Story when Tom Hanks loses his fucking arm? That's what my crawl space looks like. Finish it off, make it look nice, and finish painting the fucking thing. Do you have anything in the crawl space?

No, no. I have an old house. It's costing me a fortune. That's all it is. It's a crawl space. You can't put anything up there. You know, I have like, you know what I have? I have like my carry-on luggage that I never use. Like any, no comic, not carry-on, I'm sorry, check luggage. No comic brings that.

That's like what your wife brings when you go on vacation and you're just looking at her like, you're not gonna wear that shit. Why do you have four suitcases? We, I had a- You're gonna wear the same fucking outfit every single day. Two nights we're gonna go out to dinner and you can just have like two different outfits and you would be good. I'm gonna wear the same pants and different t-shirts.

That's my vacation. Malcolm Young. That's it. Malcolm Young. That's the way to go. Did you have brothers and sisters? Well, they didn't die. You have brotherhood.

Yeah, I do. Did you, because in our attic growing up, we had just a couple of trunks that had old hand me downs. Oh, winter clothes. The winter clothes would go up there and then we had like hand me downs, which, you know, I don't know why, I think families are gonna start doing that, the way these people at the top

are taking all the fucking money. I'm sorry, I mean these fucking immigrants coming into this country. How long, every election, they get away with the immigrant thing. It's not the fucking 10 cunts at the top I'm sorry, I mean these fucking immigrants coming into this country. Every election they get away with the immigrant thing. It's not the fucking ten cunts at the top with 15 infinity pools. It's the guy floating over on a mattress from Cuba. Yeah, so we had like, yeah, the winter clothes were up there and then the winter clothes

would come down and you would be psyched. And I remember like hand-me-downs were exciting because I was second in line. So they weren't too ratted up. I was last. Yeah, so I would be looking at my older brother and just being like, oh yeah, man, I'm getting that shirt in two years. That's pretty cool.

I did a benefit recently for this hockey team. Hockey stuff is expensive and I was joking about that. How the families that, hockey families, if you weren't rich, you had a bunch of kids. So then like financially made sense and like the oldest kid got all the new hockey equipment And then it just got passed down through like five or six kids. That's right. And by the end it would be like 1987 you're like the youngest kid you still were in those leather skates with like the steel blade Looking like fucking rocket Richard You have like a straight stick it didn't even have a fucking bend in it or anything.

Yeah. I got a Stan Makita. My mom used to try to sell every, she'd be like, try to sell it like they were new clothes. Look at this. I'm like, I'm last out of four boys. There's a mustard stain. Don't try to sell me like that.

You know what was the best was the three-quarter sleeves. And then they would get holes in the elbows and then it became a short sleeve shirt. And then it went into the summer trunk. Jeans became shorts all the time. Oh yeah. You know, I think I- And then our sneakers were washable. Oh my God.

Sneakers were washable. You started the first day of school in like boats. They were like a size, a size and a half too big. Everybody was like skating on their new sneakers. By October they were filthy and around Christmas they started to fit and in April your toes started curling up and you weren't getting new ones until August. And it wasn't even like people were broke. It was just like there wasn't Instagram with everybody looking brand new.

But we had depression-era parents, dude. We had our parents. Well, parents were kids. Parents from the parents, right? Yeah, but still. And so that was a little bit more of, we gotta use this until the real. I think I told you this.

White women didn't want big lips when we were growing up. I know, or asses. That's all Instagram. I was at the airport the other day and I saw two women, they had the same lips. Like they literally went to the same same like, oh my God, where did you get that? Like she liked her fucking dress or something. And they were sitting there. They looked fake as shit and they looked the exact same and they were hanging out. Maybe they were related.

Yeah, maybe they were. No, there's something about when you get work on your face, all of a sudden your face becomes shiny. Like you always look like you face, all of a sudden your face becomes shiny. Like you always look like you just got out of a steam room. They. Ha ha ha ha. I don't know what that is. The Twitter guy looks like that.

The Twitter guy always looks like he just got done playing half-court basketball. Also, though, everybody starts to look exactly the same. After one or two plastic surgeries, there's only so much you can do. Everybody kind of looks like Michael Jackson. For a while, frozen face, which has gone away, there was a moment. Frozen face was like a status symbol. Like Beverly Hills, you go out to Malibu and stuff.

My wife breaks all of that shit down. I'm like, what the fuck are they doing with these faces? And she's just going like, you know, that's what rich people do. And it became like a time, like if you didn't have work done, it was almost like you were driving like an economy car. Yeah, that meant you were one of the poors. Yeah, if you didn't have a shiny face.

But I also think guys like Tom Cruise came back one time where his face was just full and hair still dark. And you're like, just say I got a bunch of shit in my face. Don't show up. Oh, did he do something? Oh, dude, Tom Cruise came, this was probably pre, not like two Mission Impossible's ago. And he just came back with full face Tom.

And you're like, you dude, but what is the problem? Like why just be like, yeah dude, I know I look completely different, and I know I'm 70 and I don't have any gray hair. He came back at 60 and looked like he just did the outsiders. That's right, that's right. By the way, one of my all time favorite movies.

How about Tom Cruise? He's on top for 40 straight years. There's a handful of people, handful in a hundred years. I was thinking about this too. If you think about the Stones, since the mid-60s, they've been selling 50,000 tickets a night. That's insanity. No, it is insane. I'll tell you what's crazy,

is their bass player, Bill Wyman, quit the band 30 years in and they have now gone on and toured longer than he was in the band. He was probably thinking like, all right, I'm fucking, because he was older than everybody else. He's still alive. The guy's almost 90. And he was just probably thinking, I got enough money. This shit's going to go on another 10 years. Am I even going to be alive in 10 years? Let me just fucking chill out and And he was just probably thinking, I got enough money, this shit's gonna go on another 10 years, am I even gonna be alive in 10 years? Let me just fucking chill out. And I'm not saying it was a bad decision, but there's no way he thought, you know, if

I could, like I think he quit in early, like I always look at them like they broke in 64, but they were probably together 63, 62, so he quit around 92. So he was there the first 30 years they've gone on. Now it's 32 years later. There's no way he was like, you're right, he was probably thinking, they're going to tour 10 more years, but I got enough money, I don't need that 10 years. But I bet you he's thought once or twice in the last 30 years. You know what's amazing about that band is Bill Wyman left and they replaced him with

the black guy and then Charlie Watts died and replaced him with Steve Jordan, another black guy. So like that band is slowly becoming. The Four Tops? No, a black band and they've always been, when they came out they were doing blues music. Now they gave credit but it was just sort of like they were a white band doing black music and then eventually as all of them die, if they continue this, they're going to become an all black band doing a white band that was ripping off black music.

It's like Robert Downey Jr.'s character. Yeah, I'm that dude pretending to be another dude. That's the same thing. I have to go see them. I've only seen them once. I saw them on the Steel Wheels Tour in 1989 at Sullivan Stadium. Oh shit. Sullivan Stadium.

Yeah, and this is before they had like the big, where the screens would be it just said Bud Light. And I remember those, oh fuck they're selling out because they did that. So Mick Jagger was like that big. I didn't really even see him. Bill Wyman was still in the band. Charlie was still alive. But Steve Jordan is one of my favorite drummers of all time.

Of all time. Like in his entire career. There's some album he did that I've been trying to find, it's out of print. He did a Fusion album, somebody was telling me, I've been trying to find that thing because, you know, he plays like he doesn't play any unnecessary notes. And Fusion, you know, was the opposite of that where it was just like, it wasn't like you were playing too many, but it was definitely really busy. And I just wanted to be like, I just, such a fan, I want to hear like, what did that

part of his career sound like? What year was that? Um, it was somewhere in between the Blues Brothers and him getting in the Letterman band. He was the original drummer in the Letterman band. And it was either right after he left the Letterman band or right before he got into it. I forget. But there's a couple of killer fusion albums out there. There's a band, Brand X, which is Phil Collins. It was funny, like, our whole generation knew him

as this Sa-Sudio guy. And dude, if you listen to that album, I mean, he's one of the fucking greatest drummers of all time, and he became like a front man when Peter Gabriel left Genesis, and then they had Mike and the Mechanics. I can't even keep up with all of those offshoots of those groups, but like he is such an insanely

Talented musician. I don't think I know exactly what you mean by fusion Fusion okay, the first thing you notice is it's hard to listen to okay. That's ringing endorsement. Yeah, no Fusion was basically Jazz music and I think I want to say it started with Miles Davis, Bitches Brew, and what he was doing was he was taking from all of this rock and funk and all that stuff and he was fusing it together with jazz. And then it kind of became, there was this amazing era, some of it not so good, some of it great, where it was like Fusion, which I think then led to like progressive music, which was rock

music taken to another level that was like in all of this odd time and all of that. Which I think a lot of it, even if it wasn't influenced by what Miles was doing, it was just the boredom of like, if you play in a band and every song is in four and your hand just keeps coming down on two and four, it starts to feel like a loveless marriage. Yeah, I bet. Like Groundhog Day, like oh my god, how can I do this? Unless you play into something that's really stripped down like ACDC, like I've never gotten tired playing along to like ACDC albums, but then like a lot of the rock bands that came

after that, everything was like in four and all that, which I've never understood why you wouldn't in the course just throw in, just play in seven or something like that, just to sort of switch it up. I think honestly, as an artist, that's exactly how I would think, but if you were writing music just for people listening, I bet you your idea is like,

let's keep it the way they like it. Well, that's the money behind the album, I think was always doing that. But I don't know, I listened to- The first concert I ever went to. Oh, great one. I saw the police and REM opened up for him. It was a synchronicity tour. Oh, wow. That's a great one. I remember the guy and REM opened up for him. It was a synchronicity tour.

Oh wow. That's a great one. I remember the guy who took me, my parents obviously they were like, we don't want to go and you can't go by yourself. And I found one of my oldest brother's friends was like, I want to go but I don't want to see the police. I want to see the band that's opening up for them. And I was like, who is that? And he said, REM. I had never heard of REM, but we went early and there were barely anybody in the stadium.

That's killer. But they were amazing. Oh, amazing, amazing. It was the first time in the police live during the Synchronousity Tour. I wasn't allowed to like R.E.M. until the 90s. I just grew up in a very sports drop town. It's the end of the world. As if it would be the end of me.

I would get the shit kicked out of me. It's just like, you could not, you had to listen to all, all of it was, you know, Motley Crue and that type of stuff, which I still, you know, I still love all of that music. And I'll tell you this, you know, grossly underrated Motley Crue album is the one they did with John Carrabbi, that one in 1994. And they didn't want to call the album Motley Crue, because Vince wasn't in it, and then

they gave into the fucking label and blah blah blah blah blah. I think if they didn't call it Motley Crue, that could have been so interesting. Even if they just had a 2-3 album run with that guy, because he was an incredible singer and guitar player, so they went from sort of like a power trio to having all of a sudden they had a rhythm guitarist underneath what? Mick was playing and Mick writes, you know killer riffs we saw Motley Crue at the Bowl and So Vince Neil they opened up and they had this giant circular staircase where he was gonna run down in

Midway down he started to get a little winded Cuz he was yeah, this was, you know, in the mid-2000s. He started to get a little winded. And so he was singing Kickstart at my heart, and he would run to one side of the stage, but he was so winded, he'd go, ah, yeah. And he would just lean the microphone out so other people would sing.

He was out of breath. When he tried to run across, he was just grabbing his sides and shit, like he was cramping up. But. It's so hard for me to watch. Listen, dude, that guy's been through a lot. Yeah, for sure.

All right, people need to be a little more forgiving of Vince. But listen, I love old school stuff. I love, I mean, it's one of the things that I pushed down my kid's throats. I told you, I think, when I played baseball in Little League, I played with a- It's like how you said that, like you were angry with him. I told you.

I know these fucking times I gotta go through this. But I played with a four finger baseball glove that was signed by Warren Spahn. That was the glove, we had hand-me-downs. Like, so we've, I've always loved- Oh wait, you told me that your grandfather made the gloves- For the Boston Braves. For the Boston Braves.

He, the last time we took him. Wait, how does a four finger glove work? It was like one of those. So it didn't have one for everything. Yeah, it was one of these. It had one big one in the middle, right? It was signed by NWA. Yeah, yeah.

And Warren Spahn. Yeah. The last time we took him to Fenway Park, he, we were sitting up in a box and he said, you know, I saw Babe Ruth pitch here. And I was like, what? And he, which is like saying I saw Paul Bunyan chop down a tree, saying Babe Ruth. And we were all like, and then he said, I think he would have been so much better if he hadn't drank so much beer.

I was like, I think he was still pretty good. I think he's still, but it was amazing. You know, my theory, I've always teased Yankee fans going, like, dude, you're telling me this fat guy could win a Cy Young and hit fucking 700 home runs? I'm like, it was an all white beer league. Like, what are you doing? What the fuck are we doing here?

And I always go like how if you notice like the last guy to hit 400 is before Jackie Robinson comes in. And if you look back in the late 1890s or whatever, like three guys would do it a year. And then by the 1920s it became like a guy would do it like every two to three years. And then it was Ted Williams did it and no one ever did it again because all the Pedroes and Gipsons and all that were allowed into the league. And that was my theory. And then it was Ted Williams did it and no one ever did it again. Because all the Pedro's and Gipsons and all that were allowed into the league. And that was my theory. And then fucking Otani comes along

and it's just like, all right, maybe I'm wrong. How awesome is it to watch him play? I honestly love watching him play. As a baseball fan, it's amazing. As a Patriots fan, watching him being like, oh yeah, it was my interpreter. And baby, it's like, nothing to see here. Yeah, they did sweep that out of the road.

And then with us, they uphold the investigation of the owner of the losing team. Like, oh, this is factual. It's like, all right, OK, all right. Yeah, they really did kind of give him a pass, but he's the whole fucking league. He is the whole league. And that's what's going on.

And I'm telling you right now, what's going on with sports right now, I feel like with Kansas City, Kansas City is the whole league right now because they're waiting. Patrick Mahomes needs his Peyton or Brady and he doesn't have one right now. And that's how the whole time I've been watching this league, it's always been the two top guys going at it, the two top quarterbacks, and then they'd have great teams, and there'd be these epic Super Bowls and playoff games, or regular season games. I mean, the Colts weren't even in our division,

and they made sure that we played them every fucking year, so you'd have another Brady Peyton Manning thing. And I just feel like right now, like Patrick Mahomes is twiddling his thumbs. There's a bunch of people like at the B plus level. I think they're trying to do it with Lamar Jackson. Like they make sure they play every year and they're trying to do it with him.

He just can't beat Mahomes. Although the game this weekend was crazy. First of all, the Ravens are gonna have to win by at least 17 to beat the Kansas City Chiefs because the amount of money the Chiefs are making, at the end of the day it's a business. And you got Taylor Swift, and she's making people in the South Pacific watch the fucking game.

I mean, they got Lamar Jackson. It's a business. It's a fucking, there's a reason why they can fucking manhandle people on the final drive. I get it. Yo, some of those calls in the end zone, and I'm not a conspiracy dude, but some of those calls in the end zone. I'm a businessman. Yeah, that's what it is.

Business is fucking business. Yeah. And that's it. As much as his 50,000 Coca-Cola's, the red can is still the one. That's their moneymaker. That's it. Do you think the league wants a three-peat? I think they want the story. Because right now, there's just this not like the Buffalo thing was exciting and then it

didn't pan out to Stefan Diggs, Josh Allen. They're fucking stories, dude. Every year there's these stories. That's what the fuck they're selling. That's the game within the game. So that hasn't worked out. They look like they were coming back and then the last two weeks they're selling, that's the game within the game. So that hasn't worked out. They look like they were coming back and then the last two weeks they're getting

their asses kicked. So now it's like maybe it's the Ravens. They wanted Rodgers to be, they wanted the Jets to do well. Yeah, like oh my God. They wanted the Jets to do well. Like yeah, and I feel like then they went into, they probably go into panic mode of like oh my God, that massive market, all of these old guys like me, like I'm a Pats fan,

I'm rooting for Aaron Rodgers. I don't wanna see that people are mortal. I wanna see this guy live for fucking ever and then the first fucking game, you know, that stuff happens and then all of a sudden, dude, that's like a vacuum. That storyline is gone. I will say, like, there's a bunch of guys that are amazing.

Like, Brock Purdy took me a minute and I'm like, no, this guy is the real deal. That guy's a, he's a great quarterback. I love seeing Geno Smith, you know, finally after all of these years. But I didn't like him when he first came in the league, but I love him now. That Seattle Lions game was fantastic. But did you see the Seattle lose to the Giants yesterday on a blocked field goal? I know, but the Giants historically speaking, dude, they're just a great organization and they always have a great defense. But they got Daniel Jones, dude.

Okay, but Daniel Jones now has protection. I've been shitting all over Daniel Jones going, not that I think he's like horrific, but you're going to give the guy $70 million? But I'm a fucking comedian, What the hell do I know but now I'm seeing like they beefed up their line Yeah, and he has time and he's a big fucking dude, but I always wondered and he's got a great arm He doesn't he can run but I always wondered, you know, he has one eye that googles a little bit I always wondered if that helped him as a quarterback that he could see both sides of the field or if that hurt him What hurt him was when he was running for a touchdown and he tripped over nothing.

Yeah, that's not good. That became his butt fumble. That's the thing, you can do that in a different market. Like what's his face? Sanchez, he could have run into the ass of his lineman in Carolina. Nobody would have fucking saw that. He did that on like a Sunday night game in New York and that was it, I'm spittin' here, sorry. By the way, you know, those are the kind of things also,

that butt fumble, I'm sure wherever he goes, he still hears butt fumble. A thousand percent that will follow him until the day he dies, until somebody does something worse in a Jets uniform. I think that's how that works. No, I feel like until sports fans figure out that sports is not going to fill that void and they actually work out their own shit.

Because as much as sports fans love seeing success, they also love seeing failure because it gives them something like, dude, I went to that Huskies Michigan game, and this kid came down at the end of the game when the Huskies locked it up. Kid, 22 years old, and he was yelling shit at the Michigan players that was so bad, they turned around like. For real? Yeah, and then some trainer had to come over and be like, dude, I will fuck you up. And then he turned around, he's like, what you getting so mad for?

And it was like he just completely, like you just look at him and it's like, dude, I will fuck you up. And then he turned around, he's like, what you getting so mad for? And it was like, he just completely, like you just look at him and it's like, dude, you watch sports for that moment. That's right. You wanna like those, you know, those fans, like you watch it so you can like rub it in. I hate people like that. Like it's like, you're not like, you're not,

those guys also, they're the ones that leave with 10 minutes left when their team's getting killed because they can't take the shit. They're just there. Yeah. I knew this comic in fucking New York, right? I didn't hear from that guy since game three of 2003. Yeah. I didn't hear from him for fucking ten years.

And then right before we won in 2013, remember we had that year where we just choked in September, we had a bunch of injuries and stuff, and he fought out of the fucking, dude I'm talking like an eight year gap. I don't accept shit talk from people like that. That's what I said, I haven't talked to him since. I'm like dude you're a fucking clown. Yeah I don't accept shit talk. You're a fucking clown.

Where the fuck have you been? Have you been? Yeah. Where have you been? I don't accept that. You know I call it the whack-a-mole flans. Yeah. Goes good, they pop up and they talk all that shit.

No, I lost a lot of respect for them. I'm so glad you went and saw a game up there. It's one of my favorite places to see a game up there in Seattle. It's such a cool stadium. Dude, it's right on the water. It's amazing. It's amazing. And you could take.

Dude, you could bring your wife there. If she's not even a fan, just go over on a boat. Yeah. That alone. What were you doing up there? You doing a show? I was up there for the game. So when I played at Casino in Tacoma,

cause I had just played Seattle. Yeah. And my wife was up there and you know, me and all the other comics and the crew, cause I was shooting something up there. We all did a day out on this boat, and we went through the little channel, as you come through the channel,

it's funny, because they're taking you to see Bill Gates and the guy who started the show. You have to drive by his house. Well, you're on the boat. So it's funny, there's millionaires on this side of the bridge, then you go under the bridge, then it becomes billionaires.

So we're riding through, and I'm looking at the hot, I sort of turned around, and then there was the stadium. Well, first of all through and I'm looking at the, how I sort of turned around and then like, there was the stadium. Well, first of all, when you go through the canal, they have all like the crew, you know, the rowing teams, and they have like all of this, the fraternities and all this stuff written on the side.

So it was really cool. And I was like, oh wow, this is where the Huskies campus is. It's right on the water. This is like beautiful. And then we came to the other side and I turned around, I saw the stadium, like that's the Husky Stadium? And I'm like, dude, we gotta go to a game and everybody looked it up You know, we're all like Michigan. I like it Michigan and LSU and I was oh man. We got to go to that game

We got to go to that game. So You know, I lived up there when Cobain got when Cobain killed himself. Uh-huh. So that was allegedly yeah I couldn't get to my house. At least the CIA and Courtney Love. Working together. Yeah. I couldn't get to my house for two days. Because I had a New York license at the time.

And they weren't letting anyone on the street because there were so many look-sie-loos. And I had to park... Oh, you lived down the street? I lived down the street on a part of many looksie-loos. And I had to park. Oh, you lived down the street? I lived down the street on a part up there called Leschi. We used to see him out by the water in just this long trench coat and the hat that had flaps and these crazy glasses just sitting on a park bench.

And I was like, that's fucking, just by himself, that's fucking Kurt Cobain. But- Just joy looking at the water. who doesn't like to do that? Well, he was probably sweating off some heroin, but, but it was. It was. Jesus, everybody's getting it baby. Can you let him rest in peace?

He would look pretty restful, I'm not gonna lie to you, he wasn't too active at the time. But. Yeah, if he was on heroin he would be up, fucking nodding off on your street. I started in Seattle with Joey Diaz and Brody. You're a Boston guy. How did you end up in Seattle? Honestly, because- No, lie to me.

Yeah, I do hate it when people say that. I was looking for a place where there was a ton of stage time, and not just five minutes at a time. Seattle was giving you 15 minutes at a time. All right, can I ask you a question? What was the name of that club? Comedy Underground. The guy Terry.

Giggles. Giggles. Yeah, I used to play there. That guy died, right? Terry was not a good dude. Oh no, I remember the end of the weekend. Do you remember those, those look like a shoe box when you bought new baseballs?

They used to come in a big box for some reason. So he had that filled up with fives, tens, and twenties all mashed together being like, hey, here you go. I figured I'd give you like, cause he wasn't paying tags, I wonder what the fuck he was doing. I go, dude, I'm not going through airport security with this titty bar money.

And dude, it wasn't, it wasn't even like stacked, it was just thrown in there. It was like this is some Don King shit. Like you know Don King's thing. If he had a fighter and he was like a street guy, he would be like, he owed you three million, he goes either that or I'll give you 750 in cash. He goes these street guys will always take the cash. And he used to fuck him that way. That's what it felt like. And I was living in New York, and he was gonna give me a shoe box full of five, tens, and twenties.

And by the time I landed Newark, I'm like, hey, wait a minute. That's the thing. He would say to you, you don't need to count it. It's all there. I'm like, this is a box full of ones, dude. I gave him nonstop shit, and he seemed to like it. But I remember he would like trash the younger comics

coming up saying to their face, you're not gonna make it. He was an interesting, and he was a Mormon, so he would always say, I can't do that because I'm Mormon. I'm like, but you're F-bombing this dude up and down. That's just an excuse. That's like me, I gotta go home, I got kids.

Great excuse. That's not true. That's like, I wanna get out like me, I gotta go home, I got kids. That's not true. It's like I wanna get out of here. It's the best reason to have kids. My wife, I gotta do something with my wife tomorrow. It's just like, no I just. I gotta be up early, I gotta take the kids somewhere tomorrow morning. Oh my god, my kids, they get up at like five in the morning.

They don't, they sleep till like seven thirty. And people are like, dude, your kid's twenty-seven. I'm like, I know, but I gotta make sure I'm there for him. Yeah, if you don't have kids and you move to a new city, just say you have a kid. I'm telling you, it's the one excuse. Bulletproof. Oh my God, bulletproof.

I got a kid, man. I gotta, you know. I used to, that was always my excuse. If I didn't want it, or if I needed to leave somewhere early, oh yeah, I just got a call from the house. I gotta go home, one of the kids is sick. They got the sniffles. Yeah, it's the easiest excuse,

because nobody's gonna be be what are they gonna people are like fuck your kids nobody's gonna say that I mean somebody might but as opposed to having to like you know listen to these fucking alcoholics now come on man hang out hang out it's like dude I'm sorry you have nothing to go home for that was my favorite thing like the comic not married no kids yeah come on man hang out. Don't be a pussy. I'm like, hang out. It's just like, nah dude, I got people that like. Like me.

Yeah, I open the door and there's noise. Hey, how are ya? I don't open door to like a quiet, sad apartment. Yeah. And a half-eaten ham sandwich. I did that. I did that. And that's when my drinking was the worst.

I used to literally, when I was on the road, I would stay out until I was almost gonna fall asleep so I would go back to the hotel and I wouldn't have to deal with the loneliness. Because you know, for some reason, going to bed alone is lonely. Waking up alone, easy. Waking up alone is, ah, I'm gonna go to the gym, gonna get some fucking breakfast,

I don't have to deal with anybody else's needs. Waking up alone is, I'm gonna go to the gym, gonna get some fucking breakfast. I don't have to deal with anybody else's needs. Waking up alone, fantastic. Going to bed alone, brutal. I wanna tell you, the thing that has changed the most about me since I started touring with my son is I don't think I realized just how lonely I was out there. Oh yeah. I would go eight hours without talking to a human.

Oh yeah, I've been there. You know, I'm like, oh I didn't say a word to a human being I used to pride myself on that I did I should try to go like the whole day. Oh, yeah Can I go the whole day until I meet that college rep? What I'd be like, hi, I'm the comedian Oh my god, we're so happy to have you and fucking East bump fuck community college We don't have a stage. There's no microphone, and no one knows there's a show. Yeah, and nobody's ever heard of you. This is a free show. Yes, nobody's ever heard of you.

We just thought you would go out there and just start talking and everyone would gather around like it was a musical. Like everyone's just going to sit down, Indian style. Those college gigs, I think, were my, although corporate gigs pay a lot, but some of those can be brutal because some people don't know they're there for the corporate gig when they make you eat dinner with them and you're like you're their little play thing for these you know oh fuck that that's a

deal breaker I don't like uh I did my first corporate gig you know it ended up being a great one but like uh I haven't done one in I think 15 years. The last time I did one, I was at the Wynn, and it was a bunch of oil guys from Texas or whatever, and they were fucking hammered, and they were in Vegas. They didn't want to see you. No, they just wanted, they wanted me to go up there and tell them all to go fuck themselves.

Yeah. And I was an idiot, I was trying to do my act. And at one point I was making fun of them because it was this massive oil spill and I was just making fun of how much they didn't care. I'm like, oh you know what, that's that fucking bird's fault for landing in the goddamn oil, am I right? And they didn't get it. They were all like, yeah!

And I was just like, 100 bottles of beer in a wall, 100 bottles of beer, like oh my god, when do I get the fuck out of here? Oh yeah, it was like, yeah it was awful. And I remember the way they treated me was unreal. Like they flew me out there, the wind picked me up, and they had like a Rolls Royce, it was funny, I'm dressed like this, I get in the fucking thing. And I remember the back door opened like a suicide door and in the door was an umbrella.

It's a Rolls Royce umbrella and I just thought that was the funniest fucking thing. Just in case? I don't know, I felt like the penguin in Batman, like I was gonna I was gonna have this friggin, yeah in case it rained in the desert, right? And then I went, I just knew like I knew it was gonna suck they always suck Christmas party suck private gigs suck college gigs were a pick'em yeah that's a puck puck and a half. It's hard now with the college gigs because they have and I stopped doing them because they have all these rules about things you cannot talk about. Yeah and what's funny is the kids don't give a

fuck. No. They could completely give a fuck and they want you to go up there. But what's happening is though, I feel like they're sitting on these kids' chests and they're just going to, they're all going to go Jim Morrison. Like this next generation of comedians I think is going to be amazing after like the level of like oppression. It's almost like the 1950s in a way, while not being the 50s. And then the 60s, all of this, you know, Lenny Bruce came out in the 1950s in a way, while not being the 50s, and then the 60s, all of this, you know, Lenny Bruce came out in the 50s,

and then you had like Carlin, and Pryor, and all of these guys, and then it just broke open in the 70s, yeah. It's already, like all that cancel shit is, I think in the past. Oh, dude, I mean, well, it got so out of control. It went from, we need to get people that are sexually assaulting people out of the business

to, hey, I don't like the subject matter of your act. Did you say Jew? It's just like, what? What just happened? Yeah. What just happened? It really was crazy to see. I just feel like you're punching down.

It's like, yeah, punching down takes skill. Punching up and then you just an echo chamber of fucking, who wants to stand there? Well, I know somebody does. Who wants to stand there and just get applause? No, by the way, also like- Yay, we all agree. One of the best things, and you tell me if you think the same, I love making people uncomfortable and people are like, well, there's no way we're ever going to laugh

here tonight again. And then you bring them all back together. That's kind of a fun thing to do. Or making them think that you agree with them and at the last second you say something really stupid and they're like, oh, yeah. You're like, wait a second, he's not on my side. Yeah, but then they laugh because they know you're being ridiculous and you're just being a dick

and then it becomes like a show. I don't understand that echo chamber comedy. I don't get it. Everyone in the crowd is just like you. I don't, you know, I don't know. It's also not fun. And there's no, I kind of like at this point. Irritating people.

Yeah! Yeah, and then getting them on your side. That's kind of fun to do. I really enjoy it. Hey, Josh, that's our love language. You know, toxic people do that. You call them out on doing some shit, and. Hey, Josh, that's our love language. You know, toxic people do that. You call them out on doing some shit. They go, that's just like my love language.

It's like, well, why don't you just say you love me and do loving things. You could do that. It's such a better way for you to do that. I like watching some of these. I like watching, like when my son will say, do you think I can say that? I'm like, you could say whatever the fuck you want, dude.

As long as it's funny. This is our job. Like it's not- As long as there's nothing malicious behind it. As long as there's- It's intent, dude. It's intent. Yeah, it comes down to like, whatever.

This has been talked about. Yeah. Where are you gonna be on tour here? Look at me, just feeling it. Feeling coming up on an hour. I'm all over the place, man. I just wanna tell you- I like how you said that. I'm all over the place, man. I just want to tell you. I like that you said that, I'm all over the place, man.

I didn't fuck it. I got a bad feeling about this tour, man. I'm all over the place. For me, dude, I just want to, this special was something that I was told not to shoot the way I shot it. I was told not to. They were like, I had a bunch of people in my corner, like, you telling me this whole special

is just four stories? It's just four long stories? And I'm like, yeah. This is how I, and they were like, nobody wants to watch four long stories. I shot it, dude. And that is based on what? What they think people wanna watch.

Well that's how suits, short attention span. That's how suits burn shit out. They go, that works, keep doing that, keep doing that, keep doing that, keep doing that. keep doing that, keep doing that. Don't have it evolve, no evolution of this. And then when it fails, they blame the art form. Like it's only a matter of time before they're gonna be, oh, the standup special is dead.

The standup special is dead. It's like, well, maybe don't put out fucking 60s billion a year. Yeah, maybe don't do that. Maybe be a little fucking discerning on what you're doing here. Change it up, man. Like every, I're doing here. Change it up, man. Like, every...

Change it up, man! Change it up! Is that Freedom Rock? Turn it up! I made that reference the other day and I was like, oh, nobody gets that. That's one of my favorite late night commercials of all time. Is that Freedom Rock? Turn it up, man!

I shot this special, not glassy floor, not huge theater. I kept it close the whole time because I was like, I want people- Full frontal. Full frontal, dick out. Dick out. But not aggressive. You weren't erect. No, there was a smiley face. Flasks. I went, I had a smiley face. I put the Roger Marx glasses on.

I like it. Yeah. I like it. But I wanted it so you watched it so you felt glasses on. I liked it. Yeah. I liked it. But I wanted it so you watched it so you felt like you were at the show. No wide shots, no shot of the audience. And I shot, yo, this, I kept something in there. Wait, you actually made it look good? I tried to.

Yeah, I tried to. You actually approached it as a piece of art. Oh my God. Yeah, I tried to. Wow. And. No one wants to see that. I had somebody say to me, dude, I kept a part in where I had to kick somebody out.

And I kept the whole thing in. Yeah, it's fantastic. And I had to stop the show down for five minutes. And then I said to the crowd, we're gonna see if this joke is funny after I stopped it for five minutes. Yeah. And I had to win them back.

And I had people saying, like, take that out, use the first set. I'm like, no, this is what we have to do every weekend. I don't get it as a comic. They don't get it They don't they don't get it the way I would never know how to run a network No, and I would never sit there, you know what you should do. Well, actually I did that I did say don't put out 50 million a year. Whatever. What are we gonna do? So they can see your special, Four Stories. FourStoriesComedy.com. Dot comedy. Dot com. I'm the worst. And where, let's get some dates here. This is gonna come out on

Thursday. This Thursday. So what do you got? I'm in Bozeman tonight. I'm in Salt Lake City Friday and Saturday. And I'm in Boise on Sunday. And the week after that, I'm in Denver. That's the three whitest fucking white. That's amazing. White with a Y. White. I thought that was the South. Genuine white gold. Although I think the whitest place in America is Indiana. Indiana's like. Not Indianapolis. No. Indiana. Indiana is like white white. But those, the Utah and Boise and Bozeman, definitely some whites there.

I know, but they're fun. Yes. Because you go there and you make fun of how white it is, and they're like, yeah, you know. I don't know what we gotta do here. The... We gotta get some more groovy stuff to attract some non-whites out here.

It's just sort of us just fucking, but it is what I do like about out there. It's gorgeous and then I'd like the lack of traffic and stuff like that. But then there's always something you get, then there's like nothing to do, you know. So then you get a gun, you start shooting and shit. I mean, they're not gun people, they just don't have.

They're bored. Yeah, the stones don't go to fucking Bozeman. I mean, that's they're not gun people. They just don't have they're bored Yeah, the stones don't go to fucking Bozeman No, I bet you they don't and I bet you they pick one of the Dakotas as much as they try to save the world They don't go to all of the world. They don't go there. They're not going to Casper, Wyoming. Yeah, no, they're not no There's a couple places. Do you go to Casper, Wyoming? Is that the capital? No idea. Oh, the capital of Wyoming? I went, no, it's Cheyenne. I did Cheyenne one time, and it didn't go well. It was sort of, I don't know if I was talking too fast.

And I was selling tickets at that point. I did all right, but I remember there was so little to do. Yeah. The one bar in town was the Meathead Bar, the Gay Bar, and the Military Bar. Like the country bar. Which one did you go to? No, it was all the same place. There was just one place to go. And then they had a drive-through liquor store

with like a peep show in the back. There was like dancers in the, it was fucking wild. That's a crazy combination. Yeah, and then I ordered two eggs over easy dude and they were almost see through when the guy dropped. I don't know if it was a new guy on the ground. I did the gig with Dean Del Rey. He goes, dude, you can't eat those.

I'm like, I'm starving. We're going to the fucking airport. Dude, I'm talking like, you know that solution you drop your fucking contacts in? It was like that with a yoke. We, when I got married in New Orleans, and we had been in New Orleans for like four days, and I hadn't seen a vegetable. So I was, I told, we went to a restaurant.

I did a movie there for a whole summer and I didn't see a vegetable. Dude, with Mike Binder? Yeah. We talked about it on his podcast two days ago. There was no vegetables. I literally had to, I had to get in an Uber and I had to fucking go over a bridge to get out of New Orleans to buy a juicer and then Monday the fucking vegetables would come in and it was like buying concert tickets back in the day. If he didn't

get there by noon it was gone. The place I went to had a broccoli casserole and I said to him, I go, what is that? And they were like, it's got cheese and these fried onions. I go, okay, okay. I just want, can I just get the broccoli? I go, actually don't even cook it, just bring it out raw. And the server said, you know, that's gonna be crunchy, right? And I was like, yeah, I know what raw broccoli is.

You know the nutrients are still gonna be in it. Yeah, you know, you know, that's still good for you when it's crunchy. When it's crunchy. One weekend, me and Versey went down there and Friday night we did a show. Saturday night we went to LSU, Alabama. Sunday we just hung out, ate and drank.

And then on Monday night we went to the Saints Eagles at the Superdome. And before I had kids, obviously. And dude, I think the heartburn kicked in Friday night. And I kept trying to eat something healthy to make it go back down again. And then I I couldn't and then I would start drinking beer. Dude, I'm telling you, it was acid reflux up to fucking here. I don't understand that city.

No. I get it, but it's one of those things when you get there, you need to have an immunity drink and all of that and stay away from Bourbon Street. 36 hours max. Stay away from Bourbon Street. 36 hours max. Stay away from Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street is one of the grossest places. It's frightening, but the street just south of it or whatever, towards the water, fantastic. That's where we get married, on that street.

Fantastic. They got that antique gun store there. Amazing. It's unreal. They have like a gun from the War of 1812, even with the bayonet. And a finger still in there. And a finger still in there. You know, blood on the other, some British guys' blood on the other end of it. All of that in like these great places to get like those don't, beignets, what do they call them? Yeah, beignets. Cafe du Mans.

Yes, yes. All of that is fantastic. But the genius of New Orleans is they stick all of their fucking tourists, because everyone blames New Orleans. It is New Orleans, it's the fucking tourists. Yeah, of course. Dude, I've told this story before. I went there when I was doing the movie and my wife came to town and I had a day off.

It was still when I drank. So I had a few in me and we were on this bar on Bourbon Street. It was like noon, sun's out and everything. Summertime, it's hot. So the band was playing like Dixieland, whatever the fuck they were playing. So I started dancing with my wife

and she thought it was adorable and everything. We're having a great time and then we sit down and she's just feeling like, you know, I romanced her a little bit. You know, I added a little sugar and sort of really shook her. A little Billy Two Shoes. That's right.

And she was having a great time, and then we looked across the street, this fucking woman, just as we used to say, blowing chow, just puking like she was Coney Island hot doggy, I don't know what the fuck she drank, and she was like, wha, and she puked, and then her friends were trying to help her, and then somehow she slipped and

fell in her own puke, asked for us, sat down and then she reached up with her puke hand. Oh, I get like, and the guy grabbed her and he was hammered and then he pulled it down in her. And my wife was doing that and I was fucking crying laughing. It was like that Monty Python skit, give me another bucket, I'm gonna throw up. And dude, it was like 12.30 in the afternoon. Yeah, there are no quitters down there.

There's no quitters down there. Oh god, I almost gagged telling that fucking story. There was a woman at one of my shows at the Mohegan Sun. At least you think so, you never know now. Well, I think so. She was right up front. She had one of those- Should we just get back from Istan? Both, you have no now. She, well, I think so. She was right up front. She had one of those- She just got back from Istanbul, you have no idea.

Feels like it. Yeah. She had one of those, Istanbul, is that what's happening? That's where everybody goes, everybody goes for hair plugs, get their teeth done, for some reason. Are you going to Istanbul for medical? I gotta be honest with you, somebody, I was on Instagram and there was like a fucking- What the fuck?

There was this video of this guy got his hair done over there. Joey Fatone went there to get his hair done Well, I got this guy he showed it like three months afterwards. It's a dude that looks like it's from the fucking 90s That does not look it didn't look good Did you ever play did you ever play? Sanford and Sons in Kansas City with Glade with Stanford Stanford and Sun Oh, yeah Did you play that with thezer and that dude who sometimes he wore his wig backwards and shit? Remember that guy who ran that club? When I was there

one of them was in jail. Yes. And the other guy and then we came through with the Rich Bitch Show. Those guys were like sinister. They were, but his wig was always different depending on what time of the day. Are they still alive or no? No, he passed away like three years ago. They're both dead, right? All three of them are dead. Okay. The dads feeling they're still alive. Yeah, they were absolutely insane. They were such fucking lunatic gangsters, drug dealers that I- But that's old school comedy club owner. To be dealing drugs too? I don't know about that. Old school was you had a mob connection.

If you wanted drugs, they could get you. I missed that starting in the early 90s, but there was another guy who was still around, and he had, like, everybody makes fun of his wig, and I had no idea it was a fucking wig. Well, now I look at it. I'm not gonna say the name. I'm a fucking, you know, as a bald guy, can't be fucking out in people.

What about that dude who used to run that club in Arizona, Dan Murr? Dan Mure? Yeah, he's gone He passed away a lunatic. All right that way that wasn't a wig though. No, that wasn't a wig Okay, he was just a fucking lunatic, but that old-school comedy club owner was a different breed They're not around that was the improv in Tempe, Arizona David Spade shot a special there and I just saw that black and white tile and all of that, and I was just like, that to me, like all the kids now wanna play arenas

because it's so blown up. When I was coming up, like that was like, oh my God, I can't believe, will I ever play there? And the first time I played there, I opened for Dave Attell, and I remember he was selling the place out, and I was like, I was already in awe of Dave, but seeing that he sold that place out

and that he went up there and not only didn't change his act like, okay, I'm in Tempe, I'm not at the cellar doing the 12 o'clock spot, like he went even harder. And one of my favorite things about that weekend was there was a lot of people that were brought to the show not knowing who he was, like discovering who he was and people just like that. And then by the end, the amount of people he had like leaning over, just dying laughing. If you took the money out of it, what's your favorite size place to play?

Well probably like a 1500 cedar. But like what's funny is those things are the money. Like you'll make more money, like what people don't understand, okay, you play those big, you play Madison Square Garden, you play Family Park, you have to rent it. You don't just show up and they're like, all right, hey, and all the money lands on you. No dude, it's just chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Like I made more money, you know, doing like two shows across the street in Newark, I forget the name of the theater, than I made doing Madison Square Garden.

I made more money doing four shows at a theater in Arizona than I did doing Fenway Park. Dude, you have to pay, like they're fucking the overhead. That's why when you go to see these big bands and they're playing in these big places, that's one of the reasons why it's so much fucking money, because they're paying to rent a fucking baseball stadium every night. And they got to pay all their crew, they got to pay all the, that's one thing K-Book I used to say.

And they got fire and fucking shit's flipping around. Yeah, it's nuts. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, but if you just go lean and mean, and if you can do a theater, if you can do two shows in one night, because you only pay to rent it for one night, that's then you can make some fucking money.

Oh, and because- And it's a better experience for fans. I think so. I think comedy's- Although I will say the way that they have it down now, with the sound and the screens, they all feel like comedy clubs to me. But I remember when I saw the Stones and the Who at Sullivan Stadium back in the day.

Daltrey and Pete Townsend were this big. And now you can see him, so it's like you get to listen in the band, the sound, the mix and everything is incredible. I saw Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks at SoFi Stadium. It was fucking amazing. When did you see that? When was that? Last year.

How is Billy Joel now? He's fucking unbelievable, dude. The guy comes out and he's dressed like he forgot he had a family event. He's just wearing this and then he throws a blue sport coat on on and he, you know, he's got like his sleeve showing, like it's not even a long sleeve on it. And he comes out, he's just been doing it so fucking long. I remember he comes out and it's just everything's a number one hit.

It's two hours of hits, right? Yeah, it's like I saw Elton John in Vegas, it was just no opener. I'm just gonna play three hours of number one hits. This is what he does. So I was like, I gotta see both of these guys. So he goes out, he does like four or five songs and that place is like 60,000 people, even if you't have the field so he has the field too And he just sort of leaned you know at the four or five and everybody's charity discuss

It's a big fucking place. Yeah, I mean that's how chill he was that's how chill he was in his band But they were Stevie Nicks all they were they were fucking amazing. They've been playing places that big This is what I'm saying. For almost 50 years, dude. In the history of tickets, I bet you, well who knows, maybe The Dead. I wonder if The Dead has sold more tickets than The Stones. Well they kind of never got off the road, did they? Right.

And they probably played way more shows than The Stones. But I wonder if The Dead have sold the most tickets in the history. I want people to watch your special. You're just going way, way down. Sorry, sorry. I wonder if the... I do love, but I do love... Do you think Tony Orlando sold more tickets than...

Yeah, yeah, I don't wanna... Captain and Tenille? Captain and Tenille, I don't think, sold a whole lot of tickets. I loved Captain and Tenille, and I saw Tony Orlando open for fucking Don Rickles. Don't tell me you love Captain and Teal. Oh yeah. That is not-

Well I had a crush on her and her fucking Dorothy Hamill haircut. Alright, that's it. Alright, we gotta wrap this up. The great Josh Wolfe. Dude, I'm so psyched we finally got this guy. He's one of my favorite people in the business. He's a Boston guy via fucking Seattle. What's up?

FourStoriesComedy.com. Check it out. He's doing something different. He actually gave a shit. He shot the thing beautifully. I'm very proud of you, buddy. Thanks, dude. Appreciate you very much.

All right, thank you guys for listening. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, October 10th, 2016. Jesus Christ! Holy shit! Fall on the fucking ball! That's what I... Who else yelled that? Near Knoxville, Tennessee, when that running back fumbled the ball and your quarterback is trying to god bless him is trying to pick the ball up Why won't they fall on the fucking ball?

Everybody's just like oh, I can pick it up and then run with it. Just fall on the fucking thing It's not it's the shape of the fucking ball to even if you fall on it. It's somehow fucking squirts out. Oh You die a thousand deaths this tree. I was just three things that have probably brought me closer as far as sports goes. Just generally speaking, week after week, like a bad cigarette or drinking fucking problem, right? The three fucking plays that get me, I don't know what gets you. I don't pretend to know who you are and I would never speak for you. However, I am willing to share with you.

Oh, what the fuck did I just do? There it is. Sorry. I swear to God, I can't get this fucking thing to do anything, but if I brush up against anything, the whole fucking screen disappears. You know, like people who suck at playing video games, you know what I mean? If you're playing like one of those fight games and the other guy's kicking your ass, you just start fucking hitting a million of them and all of a sudden, like these clouds

start forming around your guy and he does a start fucking hitting a million of them, and all of a sudden these clouds start forming around your guy, and he does a little fucking, I don't know, spinning back fist with his foot, whatever the fuck that's called, right? That's what happens to me with computers, and you never know how you just did it. Everybody's like, oh shit, what the fuck is that? I don't know.

So anyways, the three things, how's this for controlling my ADD? I'm gonna stick with So anyways, the three things, how's this for controlling my ADD? I'm going to stick with this here. The three, going to get back to it. The three fucking things that just make me die a thousand deaths is deaths, plural, yes, is, um, because 1000 is more than one, stay on target, Bill, stay focused, is not falling on a fumble, dropping, you know, catching a fucking ball, running to the end zone, returning a punt, returning a kickoff, running with the fucking running backs rarely do this.

It's always fucking receivers and people who return kicks. I think they're called kick returners for whatever fucking reasons. Reason. I don't understand why these motherfuckers, they get to to the goal line, and then they poop they just drop it Right on the half yard line as if they bet the under that kills me Like how many like you would think like the first time you saw somebody do that you like oh my god I'm never fucking that's not gonna be me. I'm gonna run to the back of the fucking end zone then I'll fucking spike it I'll drop it. I'll do my little fucking moonwalk, whatever the fuck it is. All right? The freckled

fandango, whatever my end zone dance would be called. I don't even know what fandango means, I just know it's an old Kevin Costner movie. That and then finally, my favorite in yours, the prevent defense. The fucking prevent, we'll give away the middle and we'll give them a fucking 30 yard cushion and rather than them scoring on us on one play, they'll score in five plays. But the amount of clock that they're gonna eat up versus the points that they're gonna score is slowly gonna kill everybody in our fucking fan base. You know what I mean?

It's really hard to tell, ugh, fucking voice, it's really hard to tell that I'm not through puberty yet. It's really hard to tell truly who is a great quarterback in the final two minutes of the game ever since the prevent defense. Because I think back in the day, I know that they didn't want you to get behind them. They must have done some early version of it, but there was like a few guys that would

go down the field. You know, your Roger Starbacks, your Terry Bradshaw's, Kent Stabler, you know, but everybody else, I mean, it was like three or four guys that could do it. And now it's just everybody in the league because they're just going to, I swear to you, you could put, you could, I I'm gonna go a little Mike and Mike here Don't you right now you could put me under center during the prevent defense I could definitely I could complete a fucking pass as long as they didn't know that it was me That that was not a professional quarterback that this is actually a podcaster slash comedian

Slash crafter of shit jokes, you know, then of course they just play defense, you know, they blitz or whatever the fuck they would do. But if they gave me the respect of an NFL quarterback, I could, I could dump it off. That shouldn't happen on any fucking level. So whatever I was watching that, um, the Tennessee, uh, Texas A and M game, what a fucking game, you know, I want to say that Tennessee shot themselves in the foot with their 58 fucking turnovers But you got to give it up to Texas. I mean they just kept making them happen You know, I mean I want to think that somebody on the coaching staff or the volunteers said hey guys

What say we protect the football? What say the next time we gain 80 yards on one fucking play in this team, we tuck the thing away. You know, put two hands on the fucking ball. I know that they were saying that. Yet the turnovers just kept coming. You know, it was just, I don't know, it was fucking an amazing game. And I have to tell you,

coming from a professional sports city, the safe suburbs, as I always say, ever since Goodwill Hunting, everybody thinks you grew up in Southie, you stole cars, you're good at math, and you like apples. That's not me, that's not the guy I am. I grew up in the safe suburbs, there was street hockey, there was Little League Baseball. We had a great place to get ice cream, you know?

Not saying that they weren't fucking maniacs, you know, that later got into a fight and accidentally bit people's ears off because they were biting on the air and the guy would go to push them away and part of the ear would come off. I'm not saying that people like that did not come from my town. I'm just saying, more so than not, people did not bite other people's ears off. Now, you're getting towards the downtown area, like the, who knows what the fuck would happen. All right?

That's all I'm saying. Anyways, let me get back to this shit. So coming from the safe suburbs of a major fucking city that's a professional sports city, I can't believe that I haven't watched college football like I've been watching it since 2007 so I'm almost a decade in but the years that I lost it's a fucking travesty. I'd watch it a little bit but I have to be honest with you if you watch SEC football if you watch the Verne Lundquist Gary Danielson if you just watch that game every week okay

which is usually a fucking SEC game you watch an SEC football game. I'm telling you the NFL in this time this particular time cannot fuck with those games. They're unbelievable. They just fucking even the even that last week that was an ACC game the Clemson Louisville game was fucking crazy. I mean it kind of helps this year, somebody's bringing up that everybody seems to be scoring 30 and 40 points.

Speaking of which, what the fuck happened to the Oregon Ducks? Did like the whole school, did the whole team from last year just say, yeah, we all want to be eligible for the draft? I don't know what happened to them. What's going on with you Cleo? You're all fucking itchy All right, just lay down buddy lay down You don't know how to come up on the couch you don't your idea You can't just have your part of the couch you come up here, and then you just you fucking

you know You're all over me. I understand it. I like you, but I got a podcast too, so go lay down buddy. Go lay down buddy. Go on. There you go. Um, anyway, so I end up watching the Tennessee game, um, at home in Los Angeles. Now some of you, if you listen to this podcast, you're like, well wait a minute Bill, how the fuck were you at home on Saturday? Saturday! As they say in the Boston area why don't you come over on fucking Saturday? There's one little consonant in there it's Saturday come over come on over on Saturday. He was supposed to be down in the swamp at the Florida LSU game. That fucking stadium, I've wanted to go there since Emmett Smith played there.

I always loved the colors, the blue with the orange helmet. Emmett Smith was the shit. It just, I just, I've wanted to go there for fucking ever. They've always had great teams. Florida football has always been, it's just my whole, probably since my teens when Jimmy Johnson, how about damn Cowboys, came into fucking University of Miami. Then you had the other guy there at Florida State, Billy Bowden, whatever the fuck his name was, who couldn't steal go kickers, who were always wide left and wide right. I've been wanting to go to that stadium forever, but of course the hurricane came in and one

of my buddies was saying early in that week, we get so fucking crazy excited. And you got to have this as a guy when you get older. You have to have that thing that you do, the guy's weekend thing is fucking corny as they try to make it sound, as much as it sounds like a fucking beer commercial. Those are the things. And women should have them too. Whatever it is that they want to fucking go do.

I know it involves wine, their own way of getting fucked up and everything, and they like food and all that shit. I like to stand out in a parking lot in the elements Eating stuff that I don't really know what they put in it like hot dogs and that type of shit. So anyways We're getting so excited to go to this fucking game my buddy got the tickets somebody else handled the the fucking car service ticket over there and I went out and I got the I got the cigars. Allars. I came in there loaded for beer. I got a hookup, I'm not going to say who, whatever, whatever. I had some fucking sticks.

I had some fucking, just picture every fucking brand of Cuban cigar that you know, Cohibas, Partegas, Partegas, however the fuck you say it, Tomato, Tomato, I had Monte Cristo's, I just, I had some fucking tremendous sticks. And I brought enough, there was five of us, I brought 15 Cuban cigars, right? We could each smoke one every fucking night, and each one was going to get progressively more insane. Start with the mild one Thursday

Go a little medium and then the fucking you know, we just you know We just fucking won a world war. That's the one you got to smoke on the game on day game, right? So the beginning of the week, we're all fucking amped up We're texting each other and everything and then my buddy who lives on the East Coast cuz everybody out in the West Coast We don't pay attention to the East Coast You fucking get up three hours before we do. By the time we have a cup of coffee, the day's half over. There's no point in even reading the newspaper.

Everything has already progressed like another 12 hours. So I didn't pay attention. My buddy texts me. He goes, there would have to be a fucking hurricane this weekend. And I was like, get the fuck out of here, right? And the game plan was we were flying into Atlanta And like assholes I we booked us Atlanta. We were doing a gig and then we were going to Gainesville to do the show But like assholes we didn't book hotels until the last second and already a hundred thousand people coming in to see the fucking game

There was no hotels. So guess where we got our hotels Take a wild guess what Florida city we got our hotel rooms. Jacksonville, Florida. That's where we were going to go. So we were going to fly down from Atlanta and then pick up a rental car, drive over to Gainesville, do the gig Friday night, drive back, drop off the rental car, go back to the hotel, smoke another stick, fucking jump in the car service, go over there and see fucking a legendary football program

in the greatest conference that's out right now, the SEC, right? So I hear the hurricanes coming, so I go, all right, you know what, they're probably going to cancel a bunch of flights, fuck this. So I get a rental car. I get a rental car. I get a rental car. Oh Cleo, please don't puke on the rug. Do you need to go outside buddy? What are you doing?

Huh? Was that just you or was that me? That was you. You okay? Don't step in the recorder. Cleo. God damn it, just sit down dude. Just sit down. Just sit down please. Can you please sit down? Sorry guys. Anybody else's dog eat grass even if they're not feeling well? Even

if they're feeling well they just fucking eat grass. Why do you do that Cleo? Huh? Sometimes you just talk to them they get so focused on you and they put their ears up. No, no. Go lay down. Go lay down. Do you need to go upstairs? You want to go see Mommy? Alright, hang on a second. Hang on a second. Alright, come here. Come here. Go on. Go see Mommy. Go on. Oh, that was a great move.

Fuck, she did puke. Puked up something. There goes that sock. There goes that sock. There goes that sock. All right. Anyway, so that was the game plan. So I was like, all right, so you know, they're going to be overly cautious. They're going to cancel the fucking flights and ba ba ba ba ba.

So we'll just fucking drive down. Well everybody's leaving the hurricane. We're going to fucking drive down the 75 south. Well, so we fucking land and they're supposed to make a decision Thursday at one o'clock and they don't make a decision. So me and Bartnik are in the fucking, are in the lobby and we're excited that they didn't make a decision. Like, yeah, dude, come on, man, this is fucking, this is the south.

They're playing this fucking game. They're playing the game. They don't, they don't want to cancel this fucking game and have to fucking refund a hundred thousand tickets to try to figure out when to reschedule it. They're fucking playing it. And we got excited and we had hope. And then the whole fucking thing, it, you know, it went up to a category four and it all fucking went to went to shit. But I got to tell you, actually, if I was even trying to drive down to the South, like they evacuated so many people, smartly by the way, I mean, only three people died in a category four where, you know, down in Haiti, like, you know, a couple hundred,

they said even more died. Granted, we're first world, we have better structures and that type of shit. But you know, back in the day, I mean, that that would have been us like I was thinking about that back in the day like You know when you didn't know a hurricane was coming. I mean you saw like signs, but like by then you only had like six hours To try to get the fuck out of there. What am I trying to say long story short? Is even if we try to drive south they just completely closed off the southbound 75 at some point and it was just like all of Florida driving up. So it didn't work out. So then we were like, okay, how do we save this weekend? Because my buddy, the one who told us about the fucking hurricane, he had not even left yet. So he's at home with his wife and his kids. He's a total family

man. And once a year he goes out, you know Has some beer smokes a stick. It's just you know, and he goes this is the one weekend where his kids didn't have any sports All right. We got to make it happen for this guy. So we start looking around where the fuck can we go? The Georgia Bulldogs home. No, they're in South Carolina, South Carolina is three and a half hours away Let's fucking drive to that one and then we find out it got fucking moved to Sunday. Fuck. Can't go to that game. What else do we got? UNC. I just went to UNC. I don't want to watch him play Notre Dame. Notre Dame stinks. Or is that NC State? NC State was playing them. I was like, look, dude, I'm not driving into the fucking Carolinas. The goddamn, the fucking storm is coming

up that way. All right. What about Tennessee? Let's go to the volunteers. Fuck it! We'll do it live! Right? Let's go to where we're all fucking in a panic. Who's Tennessee playing? Texas A&M. The Aggies. Great fucking game. Where are they playing? College Station. Fuck! Alright, who's next? Who's next? Alabama! Alabama? The dream is tonight!

Where are they playing? Who are they playing? Where are they playing? They're playing Arkansas. Where are they playing? Who are they playing? Where are they playing? They're playing Arkansas. Where are they playing? In Arkansas. Fuck! Alright, Auburn! Auburn! War Eagle! War Eagle! Who do they got? Who do they got? Mississippi State! Mississippi State! Where are they playing? Auburn? Mississippi State! Shit!

Alright, it was just fucking the three of us standing at this fucking over the sports page, trying to salvage this fucking weekend. Looking, everybody was away. The only way to get to any of the games that we wanted to go to that weren't in the path of the fucking hurricane was that we were going to have to fucking, you know, we were like Clemson. What about Clemson? They're playing BC.

They're going to kill him. Where they playing? Boston College. Shit! Right? Over and over and over, right? So the only way we're gonna get to him is if we fucking, uh, you know, I don't know, if we jumped on a plane, and I was already not working the next night, so we're just gonna hang in Atlanta and then jump on a plane. It just, it got to be too fucking crazy, but for half a second we did consider, um, we did consider the Alabama-Arkansas game.

So it didn't end up happening. But what the fuck are you going to do? It was still great. It was cool when I got home. I got to chill with my wife and I got to watch all those great games. I didn't have to be in the path of a fucking hurricane. I wasn't another asshole that the poor fire department had to try to fucking rescue because I didn't listen to their warnings.

You know what I mean? And so anyways, Jesus Christ, that storm was fucking nasty, man. My condolences to anybody down in the Jacksonville area. You know, I hope you made it out all right as far as I mean, pretty much people made it out, but I hope your stuff is all right. Because God knows those fucking insurance companies, you know, they just all that. Yeah, we don't cover that. You ever see that?

That one that Spike Lee made about New Orleans, where they're like, they just were looking at the water line. We'll cover anything below the water line, they're like anything above it it's your fault, it's just like, you motherfuckers man like, like what kind of people are you? you know? I don't know anyway, sorry, can you tell them I'm also typing in my password here? so anyways, oh I got some more iPhone stories for you.

I got time for a quick iPhone story. So I got the iPhone 7 now. All right. And I want to thank everybody who tried to help me out with even the condescending ones or this new generation people who are saying they were cringing. Me and my boy, I had to tweet, my boyfriend works at the Apple store or and I work at the Apple store too. We both cringing as we were listening to you talk about, like, why are you cringing for, I wouldn't cringe for you.

Like if I watched you two geniuses try to change a fucking tire or drive a stick shift, as they say, you millennials can't do it, that's the truth. I wouldn't cringe. I'd try to teach you how to do it. Cringing, I felt so bad. I was so awkward. I really think this whole generation, the reason why they're always using that term awkward is because they were so sheltered.

That I don't think that they kind of work shit out amongst themselves as kids the way we did. Now granted, my generation was too far the other way. They didn't know what the fuck we were doing. And I think with millennials, there was an overcorrection. I think this next generation, they're going to get it right. It's like, you can't have them fucking joining those groups where there's all these pedophiles.

You know what they are. I am not going to say M1 rhymes with the rubs louts. I'm not going to say M1 rhymes with the Rubs louts. The Rubs shouts. You also don't want to, they're very young. It's probably not good to have them take a, I can't even say it right, a Haradi class. You know, shit like that. The kinds of places, and then you can just say church groups. Church groups are in the big one.

You just can't have them fucking, you know. But you have to let them play outside. You got to let them solve shit, you know, interact with each other and shit like that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I think we went too far the other fucking direction. And I can say that having never had a child So anyways Somebody told me that you know when I when I sat there and I counted all my contacts

I didn't realize and this is all shit You guys can laugh at me about but I know there's a lot of you especially in my generation Do not know this if you scroll down to the end of your contacts. It'll tell you how many you have I was off by one. I said 1133 I had 114 who knew who the fuck knew I mean by the way if you didn't use the cloud getting all your contacts back not a big deal not a big deal it's just as you need the person's number you're like fuck I don't have the number who do I know that knows him he just you know by then you have that person's number.

You gradually put it all back together again. It wasn't as bad as I thought. And then somebody gave me a great suggestion saying, well, there's these places you can go to that they can retrieve lost data or whatever the computer term is that. So I might try that with my phone. I have not turned it on since then I'm gonna try sometime like Tuesday morning Hopefully I can turn it on and grab a couple Does you know the guy used to work on my truck he moved to Arizona and

He recommended this great place Here in California to tune it up and all that type of shit I lost his fucking number and because he's a crazy car guy like his website still has like a fucking California number so I should probably just give it a try but anyways so anyways so I had to get the iPhone 7 cause I fucked up my phone I got it all wet and shit and so now this one's waterproof so they had this little fucking umbilical cord off of it and I was sitting there going There's no fucking way. I'm not gonna lose this thing I have to be on my best behavior with this so I was literally carrying that little cord around

In the iPhone box with me while I was on the road Because I was too paranoid to even leave it into the phone because I was afraid I go to put my pocket it pop Out I wouldn't know I don't know what So I somehow make it across this country and back, I still have it. I went back to my house to use my gym, you know, instead of finishing up the fucking kitchen, you know? And I had it there. And I went to grab a few things.

And I don't know, I got back to the place that I'm renting and it was just gone it was gone and I started to have a melt down and I was just like this drives you wife nuts don't do it don't fucking do it and I tore apart everything couldn't find it in the house I drove back to my place I couldn't find it there and I just said fuck this and I drove to the Apple store, and somewhere over there I just got into this fucking Zen place. I was like, dude, this is 100% your fault, it's not Steve Jobs' fault, it's your fault. You should just left the fucking thing in your phone, I'm sure you can pick up the phone

and fucking shake it, and I'm sure nothing, you know, I'm sure it probably doesn't even come out. Because they probably already knew that that was going to be a fucking concern. it and I'm sure nothing, you know, I'm sure probably doesn't even come out because they were probably already knew that that was going to be a fucking concern. So I drive over there, you know, I pull in, I just said, fuck it. I valet my old Prius dirty as shit right now because I still have to get the dents taken off from that fucking road rage cunt slammed into the person two people behind me. So I just got that thing.

It's got dense. I'm going to get pulled out while I get it washed. So it's really looking bad. So I pull in and the valet place at the mall, they go like, yeah, what's your phone number? And I'm just like, yeah, none of your business. I go, I don't give out my phone number. That's what I used to say. Now I just go, I don't have a phone because they're just going to call you.

And it's just, they're just all of those things, by the way, all of those phone numbers and all of that shit, I'm telling you, allled and it gets it gets sold. There was a lobby There was something a lobby there was some something going on in Washington with it with what they were saying what I was saying Much more intelligently and written down on paper Saying that you ought to get a piece of it. Somebody's gonna sell your information. Shouldn't you get a cut right 10% something? I'm sure that got shot down. But anyways, so I just pull up and I just say, yeah, I don't have a cell phone. So then they just take your name down. And there's always ways to get around it. You just say, yeah, no, I can't

do that. Right? So I go into the Apple store and I walk up to one of the geniuses and I said, yeah, I need the little fucking umbilical cord. And they said that right there over there on the wall. And I just walked up and I grabbed five of them. Okay? I grabbed five of them and I grabbed this other cord where it was, you know, where you can plug it into your phone and someone else can also plug their headphones in while you plug your headphones in and you can both listen to the same song.

And I did that because whenever I'm on a plane, he's always like, listen to this song. Isn't this a great song? And I was just like, I'll get that one for her, right? So I walk up to one of the dudes with the fucking iPad and I just say yeah hey I want to I want to fucking I want to buy these right so they're all looking at me like what the fuck right why do you have so many it was two geniuses and one of the

one of the people who's just trying to buy some shit there and one of them finally goes to me goes I gotta ask you how come you're buying five of these? And I was like, because I know what kind of a moron I am. And the dude was like, what? I go, everybody's a moron, so you got to include me. So you got to figure out what kind of moron you are. So I'm the kind of moron that's going to lose at least four of these in a year. So I'm getting five.

And they all fucking laughed. And I joked, I somehow was able to joke my way through the whole fucking Experience I kept it light and I and I didn't lose my shit I'll accept when I got into it with that one guy. I Forgot when I was driving back This guy came barreling up the street and I and I live on a street where it's one of those streets where it's like It should be one way but it's two way And he came flying up and I was rushing over. So I just had to slam on the brakes.

I just kind of gestured like, really dude? And I back up and then he pulls up alongside me. His big fucking Jaguar. And he goes, he goes, yes, is there a problem? I go, yeah, I try to stay calm. I go, yeah, man, I go, you're driving too fast through the neighborhood here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I go, you know, it's a one-way street.

He goes, it isn't a one-way street. I go, yeah, but with the cars parked, you know, you know. I go, you're coming through here like 30, 40 miles an hour. He goes, this car won't go 40, which I don't even know what that means. Won't go 40 on this street. I have no idea. I was just like, dude, there's kids on this street. And then I lied.

I go, dude, I have a kid. I'm just trying to make my argument better. He goes, I got three kids, and he holds up the fingers too. Like, all right. And then he just said something. He goes, now do you feel stupid? That's what he said to me.

He goes, now do you feel stupid? And I so, I wish I could go back to that moment and just say to him like, dude, I always feel stupid, but this has nothing to do with that. Dude, you're driving like a fucking maniac. You got three kids. Yeah, I bet they don't live on this street, you cunt. And I was trying, I was trying, because I've done this before with people on that street.

I just speak in a slow tone. I'm just going, dude, I got kids. You know, I just lie and I say, I got kids, plural. Just totally lie out my ass. The reality is I don't want to have a head-on collision with somebody so You know last couple times I did it even like the young punk kids and shit You know with the fucking hats that match the fucking shoelaces even that they feel all right cool all right sorry

you're like yeah cool no problem, you know and This guy just wasn't avid and he just goes now. Do you stupid and then I just once he said that I go fuck yourself we both can drove away so that did happen on the way over this so anyway so I go to buy all of these fucking things and I'm making fun of myself because guys I'm really trying not I mean it's funny when I do it on stage it's not funny when I do it in real life or around the house. I'm really trying to work on my temper. So I was making fun of myself going, yeah, I'm the kind of fucking moron that's going to lose four of these in a year, so I'm buying five.

So they all laugh and the guy's like, all right, and I go, what's that going to be like $7,000? And he said, no, it was like 75 bucks or something. These little ass fucking wires, five of them, like 25 a whack or 20 a whack, whatever the fuck it was, plus I had the other thing so I go to open my wallet to take out my credit card and what is sitting in the fold of my wallet is the fucking attachment I couldn't find I must have put it in the same pocket I just left I go see right here look at this there it is now now I got six I'm a fucking

moron they were just all laughing it made me feel good Even though they were laughing at me. Just made me feel better that you know, I Don't know. I gotta be I gotta learn how to fucking do that man, cuz I am I am a lot You know, I'm funny on a podcast. I'm funny for an hour But after that dude, I I can be a lot to live with so anyways, I'm working on myself I'm actually considering going to speak to somebody. And you know, because I swear to God, like I have two things I want to do. I want to just actually sit down and maybe read some instructions on my iPhone

and actually make it something that I can use. And computers actually maybe learn about them rather than screaming to anyone who listened about road robots and being microchipped, you know, and then also I would like to to If I could just have the same sense of humor I have about big shit When big shit happens, I do not flip out little shit happens. Like I lost a fucking little cord on my phone I fucking lose my shit. So if I can just somehow, you know, not lose my shit in the car and the technology thing, those are my two biggest fucking goals. If I could just laugh my way through that shit, I would be, I'd be a much better person.

I think I'd be a lot easier to deal with, you know? And I'll just go after it the way I go after other shit. I've never really tried to fucking like full on try to fix my temper the way I try to lose weight, work out, play drums or whatever. By the way, dude, I am in a fucking Iron Maiden rabbit hole right now. Clive Burr, the whole fucking Number of the Beast album. It's just I can't stop listening to it. That and peace of mind

Nick O McBrain I am fucking yeah that's where I'm at right now but anyways let me read a little bit of advertising here now speaking of which has anybody watched Luke Cage yet I love that I brought that fucking dude up a long time ago on this podcast, man. That was one of my favorite comic books was the Spider-Man and Power Man one, where it was about the NYPF fire department. A buddy of mine actually ordered it on eBay and got it for me, man. I hadn't seen that since like 1978 or 80 when it came out. And I watched the first episode.

I liked it. They did the usual Shit that they do with superheroes like it like, you know, we just sit there like will you fuck this chick already? Why are you letting this guy slap you in the head? They always have them do that shit before they just fucking You know throw somebody through a wall. I watched that and I also watched Westworld Which you want to hear something hilarious. I I loved that movie when I was a kid. I loved the Eul Brenner was huge I mean nobody said draw like him when he could draw he did this fucking he just had the best voice ever

badass with the fucking shaved head and all that shit I shaved head and all that shit. I love that movie to the point, I remember like 15 years ago, not 15, it was probably like 10 years ago, I actually called my agent and I said, hey, how much would it cost to buy the rights to Westworld? Because they just started redoing all these things and I'm like, there's no fucking way you could make a killer movie out of that. And of course they came back. It's like, it's like nine zillion dollars.

I didn't realize it was a Michael Craig book and all that shit. So I obviously didn't have the money. And thank God I didn't have the fucking rights to it, because I have to tell you, I watched the first episode of Westworld. They completely 100 percent took it to another fucking level, updated it. It's it's unbelievable. I actually like that pilot better than the Luke Cage one slightly better I thought the Luke Cage one was the shit so now I got two new shows bang bang to fucking watch definitely check those out

and if you want to laugh by the way I ran into a buddy of mine Willie Barca who I'm seen in fucking forever he's the real deal he's a fucking hilarious comedian and he has a stand-up special That he just put out and I wanted to give him a shout out if you get a chance to check him out All right. Let's get back to the advertising here. All right dollar shave club everybody Guys, you know to go to dollar shave club for a fantastic shave What you probably don't know is that they have other amazing products too. The quality is the best on the market. Their body wash is great and won't dry you out. I won't dry out your skin. Their pre and post shave stuff keeps your skin soft and smooth. Do you know that they made me a custom Dr.

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That's BlueApron.com. Blue apron, a better way to cook. All right. And then we just got two more. I'll read those later. Is that mine? Is something done? Are the cookies done?

What's going on here? By the way, what was I gonna say? I weighed myself today. I'm in the buck 70s, which is perfect. Get my cell. I wanna be 172, I think I'm gonna come in about 175, but that's fine. All right, that is gonna be fine tipping the scales of 175 as long as I got that 7 is the second number I'll be all right you know

but I'll tell you my walk around weights about 210 210 if I could eat and drink the way that I wanted to by the way guess what came the other day? Guess what came? I ordered it back in June. My Jaguar came. I fucking picked it up today. I can't, I'd like the Catholic guilt that I fucking had that actually went out and fucking, you know, did this, but it wore off the second I got behind the fucking thing. I came walking into the showroom, dude. I ordered the color, everything underrated, under fucking rated ordering a car you just go to the website everything that you want you

just fucking order it it's like blue apron except it's a fucking car right everything is perfect this fucking car oh my god it's it's it's fucking insane I'll post I'm gonna post it but I don't want to post a picture because no one has this color out here. I'll be like that chick driving around in that pink fucking Corvette out here. But even Nia, because she's all like, you know, you know women, dude, like when a guy gets excited about some stuff. I swear to God, it's like you're looking at another woman.

They always, they always got to fucking take it down. It's kind of cute and kind of annoying, you know, but I'm mostly annoying and way less cute. So I let you know, whatever. And so I come walking in, they got the whole, they actually backed it into the showroom and they put a car cover over the fucking thing. Right. And they fucking did the unveiling they took it off to it

It's just fucking it's the fucking I don't give a shit It's the British Racing Green with the black rims black grill. I got that that the fucking I Had the analog gauges. I didn't get all-wheel drive because I wanted the rear end to kick out a little bit I got the rear wheel 390 fucking horses I'm gonna take it over to Galpin to get a new exhaust system on it because right now it's very a very refined sound. I like a little more of a growl in it. It's it's dude. It is the fucking shit. It's like what if Steve McQueen drove a fucking what if Steve McQueen drove a Jaguar and had two kids because it is a four-door. Let's not get crazy, Bill. Let's not get crazy. Dude, it is fucking awesome. I love it because everybody out here that has a four-door sedan

either has a Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, and then to a lesser case, a Lexus, but that's more of a younger person's car, I feel. Those cars are all fucking great. A'm one of the ways like those have kind of become the muscle cars of today Are the four-door sedans which is perfect. You can actually put somebody in it's like an adult person's car Oh My god, like I absolutely love with this car so It was fucking hilarious and I got the price I wanted everything so then of course Dude, I just did I did everything right? I got these foot the floor mats are They're not like the carpeted ones that after a while they start wearing out and everything

I ordered these these like these rubber fucking mats that look like the shit they say jaguar on them and And they actually they're a little bit different color black than the carpet so they kind of pop a little bit I mean the car is the fucking shit actually they're a little bit different color black than the carpet so they kind of pop a little bit. I mean the car is the fucking shit. And it's going to kill me the first time somebody opens a door into it. But I always just think of the way Steve McQueen drove that car in Bullet, the way those good old boys drove that fucking 69, what was it, Challenger.

They fucking broke one of those every week. Fuck it. He was supposed to drive it. I remember Fast and Loud one time they they bought a Ferrari like F40, and the whole frame had been bent and all that, and they saw it and they were all laughing. They were just going like, you know what, dude, if you buy a car like this at some point,

it should look like this. Ha ha ha. Obviously, you shouldn't crack up your car, but they're meant to be driven, but I don't know, I can't believe that I have that nice of a car. So I want to thank him. Stop before I keep fucking gloating about the car.

Thank you to everybody who ever came out to one of my shows and watched my shit and told people about it because I wouldn't have that car if you didn't. So thank you. And I'm actually going to miss the Prius though. I'm actually selling it to a friend of mine. So it's getting a good home. And I got to tell you, underrated, the fucking Toyota Prius.

I had nine years, 85,000 miles on the fucking thing. I changed the oil. I did everything on it. It's a fucking... That thing will go for 200,000 miles easy if the next person changes the oil and all the lubricants and all that type of shit. Just regular maintenance and all that type of shit. Just regular maintenance and all that type of stuff.

But they're just fucking great cars. You know what I also found with the Prius, dude? All my friends found out that I was getting a new car. I had like half a dozen people going, dude, what are you doing with the Prius? I'll buy it off you. All these comics are loving it because it has good gas mileage. They actually have a decent resale value. So the amount of shit that those cars get, man, they're kind of a good investment.

They're fucking cheap. They're cheap on gas. Like the whole fucking time, every time the gas went up and went fucking crazy, I never paid more than like between 35 and 38 bucks is the most I ever paid. And the rest of the time, it was about $27 to fill the fucking tank and When it would drop really low Like when we would start producing oil and then Saudi the Saudis would be like, oh fuck Let's put them out of business and then they would overproduce You know all the fuel and all that type of shit and then it would just plummet I mean I there were days I filled that car up for like 18 or 19 bucks. So I

Will definitely I'll definitely miss that thing. But this thing is just, it's just fucking, it's a beautiful car. Red calipers. All right, let's, let's, let's plow ahead here. I have yet to watch the Japanese Formula One. I feel like I got you guys all excited who are into that type of racing or into racing, I guess just to say. And I've just, I've dropped the ball on Singapore, Malaysia, and now Japan.

It's just because this fucking house I'm renting, this guy has like cable from like the fucking 1800s. And I got all the races taped. I've watched Singapore. I haven't watched Malaysia yet, where Lewis Hamilton was going to win the race. And then for whatever reason, his engine just fucking blew up. I have no idea who won the Japanese one. I haven't gone on the internet. I'm not looking at my Twitter feed. I'm going to watch that tomorrow. And me and Nia actually knew a couple of people

that are over in Japan. And I was, you know, they're having a baby or something. So they're doing a baby moon, which I guess is people, before they have a baby, they go some fucking place. And, you know, they're in Japan, so I was saying to me, it's hilarious, typical guy shit. This is typical guy, women shit. Like I say, oh, fuck, they're in Japan? Well, text so-and-so, let him know

that the Formula One race is there tomorrow, man, and that he should go. And then my wife's just like, immediately, just looking at like a a chick like, yeah, she's not going to want to do that. And I'm thinking like, yeah, but he would fucking guys like into motorcycles and cars and off-road. Why the fuck wouldn't you want to go to a Formula One race in Asia? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you, even if you're not into that shit, you've got to watch the Singapore race was fucking incredible.

Like they do it at night and then after when the city's beautiful, right? Granted, you're not allowed to do anything. And one of the guys spit gum on the street and they fucking detained him for six hours. I think they were just showing off because when I was there, I was like, I heard if you spit gum on the street, you get arrested. They go, nah, they'll give you a fine. It's not like that. Or maybe they were soft peddling at the hotel so you wouldn't be afraid to go out and go spend some money. I have no idea. All I know is this one of the fucking guys from either Ferrari or Mercedes or somebody spits some out, they fucking detained him for six hours.

But anyways, they ran it at night and that city is, is gorgeous at night. It's beautiful. And then when, uh, who won that one? Nico, when Nico Rosberg won that race, they just shoot off all of these fireworks man and they go all the fuck out. And, uh, so I've yet to see the, uh, the Malaysia one, so I'm going to watch that and the Japanese one tomorrow if I have the time. All right. What else? What else did I want to talk about?

What else was a big... Oh, you know what I started to watch? I started to watch, before I came down, I'm taping this Sunday night, I started to watch the Trump-Hillary debate. I mean, I just still cannot fucking believe these are our two choices. And dude, Trump, I got to give it up to Trump, dude. That guy's one liners. Just for a politician, Jesus Christ, he's fucking, he kills, the guy fucking kills. He's great on his feet.

He'd make a terrible president. He's got no idea what the fuck he's doing or what he's great on his feet he's he'd make a terrible president he's got no idea what the fuck he's doing or what he's even talking about it's just like the dope verse the devil you know when I know everybody oh that old fucking you know that shit that he said I just go up I grab him by the pussy I mean nobody just does that I felt bad for Billy Bush. You know, he was just sitting there. He's like, he's sitting there some fucking unknown 2005, you know, he's still kind of unknown.

You know, Billy Bush, I'm going to talk about people who are in movies. He's not in a movie, you know, he's a talking head. Cut the guy a little slack. He's sitting there with the dawn, the dawn's talking shit. He's talking about women, you know, as guys do. I just walk right up and I kiss him. I grab him right by the pussy. You know, Billy was just like, this is Donald Trump.

You know, you get caught up in the fame. Oh yeah, yeah, grab him by the pussy. He just went along with it. You know, stay strong, Billy Bush. You shouldn't have deleted your fucking Twitter account, man. You should have hung in there. Fuck these people. They just, they get mad for like three fucking days. You know what I mean? It's unfucking believable. He's gonna get more shit for that than fucking Hillary's gonna get for the goddamn, you know,

classified fucking emails. Classified information through her own fucking email. Just somehow that all goes under the rug. I cannot stand. I can tell when Hillary's lying to she, that smile she does, she can see it in her eyes when she's lying. Trump is like, I just don't, he's like a fucking cartoon character. Like Alec Baldwin as Trump is more believable than Trump as Trump. That's how fucking nuts this guy is. So I started to watch it. Oh man, Trump had some funny ones.

He said to Hillary, he said, if I was running this country, you'd be in jail. You know, it's funny to really see how hard Donald Trump goes. There's a clip. I don't know if he can still find it. The first time Donald Trump was on Letterman and he and Rosie O'Donnell had said something about him and he went off on Rosie O'Donnell and he goes, well, you know, she's a degenerate and like it was just so over the top Letterman was laughing just going like Donald, you just can't go around saying that about people. And he's just like, yeah, no, it's true. She's overweight. He just fucking like just no filter just went right after him. And he hasn't changed at all since

he's become a politician. Having said that, like I, you know, doesn't mean he's going to make a good president. He's just, you know, I can't get, I can't get past how many overtly racist people love the guy. That's always a major red flag. You know what the fuck it is with this fucking election? It's like you either got the guy that's going to rally up the fucking neo-Nazis, the guy that rallies up the white guys that think that there's something being taken away from them, or you got Hillary, or you got Hillary who's actually gonna, she's gonna be in bed with

the corporate cunts up at the fuck, it's like a lose-lose. Either you got somebody like rallying up this fucking cesspool of people at the bottom, as far as mental, I'm not talking financially, mentally speaking, or you got Hillary who's just, she's gonna give them their wars, she's to let the fucking robots be made and all that sh- you know. I don't know. I don't know what the- oh my god. It's just fucking- and her fucking pantsuits.

That's the only thing I like about her. I love the pantsuit. If I was a chick, I would wear fucking pantsuits. I mean, you gotta go with it. At some point as a woman, you reach your pantsuit age you just got to give into it. That's like a man at some point you got to stop wearing your tag tops and you got to put on a sport coat. Alright try to keep the carbs low do the best you can. You know at some point you just get to that fucking age. So I know a lot of you like why didn't you bring up

the Tom Brady's back and all that type of shit? Because you know what we played the Cleveland Browns no disrespect But Cleveland Browns are where they're at and congratulations to the fucking Indians You guys looking like you're kicking our ass. We're down. Oh, too I watched like Pedroia's first at bat and the plane landed so I missed all of that game I'm missing every fucking game because this guy doesn't have a god. I... I mean this is when I come in with my brand new Red Sox hat. But I do know the Blue Jays were up two games to none. I don't know what's going on with that series right now. They were up three to two the last I saw in game three. But Tom Brady's back, Gronkowski's back, we won, Buffalo's on a tear, they're looking good.

I don't know, it was just great to see Brady back. It's unbelievable, that whole fucking thing. I'm telling you, I give it 20 years and then NFL films, when they look back on it and be like, do you think that was fair? Do you think it was fair that one of the greatest players in the history of the game had his entire fucking integrity questioned by one of the biggest scumbags to ever own a fucking team who basically hired a guy for an in-house investigation?

I still cannot fucking wait for that. How old will I be? 68? All right. Tom Brady will be 58. All right. 60 minutes, everybody. All right, Tom Brady will be 58. All right, 60 minutes everybody. All right, hey Bill, I saw your tweet about 60 minutes about a robot, about the talking robot piece. Yeah, Charlie Rose was sitting there talking to this artificial intelligent robot that really moved bad. Speaking

of fucking Westworld, right? And he asked the robot what its goals were first of all that a robot would have goals like a person okay and the robot said my goal is to one day be smarter than human beings so I tweeted you know I basically tweeted please unplug that fucking thing. All right, so he goes, I come somewhere between unplug it and fuck it. It seems like everyone knows the machines will be our doom, but I feel like everyone involved and even everyone else just looking on has a, but will they take over type of curiosity.

My question, I don't know what you meant by all that. My question to you is that if in 10 years the Robarts are filling in as clerks at stores or working the lobby of hotels, would you be comfortable as a customer in those locations? Also, I highly recommend the new Westworld remake on HBO. Yes, I thought that was Netflix, my fault, HBO. It's totally up your alley and I'm sure you remember the original with good old You'll Brenner how's funny is that yeah, you hit the nail on the head. I already talked about I loved it um This is what I think I actually think that

That those Robots will make human beings obsolete. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but they will. Okay. And they don't have to sleep. They don't have to fucking do anything. They'll outwork us and all that type of shit. And they're going to act like then we finally get to sit around and chill out. Right? Like that was, that was the big promise of all of this technology that was going to be coming out in the future. I mean, there's always technology, but the newer technology, the technology of the future, you know, the three-day work week, they used to make fun of that on the Jetsons.

Oh, these three-day work weeks are brutal. People are working more than they have ever worked in their fucking lives in this race to, I don't even know what the fuck, why the fuck, can somebody please tell me what the fuck we need robots for? What do we need any of this shit for? You know what I mean? Like I feel like somewhere in like the mid 90s, like that was good.

We advanced enough with cars, travel, we advanced enough with medicine and that type of shit. I mean basically from 1995 on, if you're fucking dying then I mean, of shit. I mean, basically from 1995 on, if you're fucking dying, then I mean, I mean, I don't know the amount of shit that you could sidestep tuberculosis, polio, all of these fucking things, the all those plagues from back in the day, they were all gone. I mean, something I don't know. It's hard when it's somebody you know, in love, or obviously, if it's fucking you, but like, I don't know, I think the population, I've always talked about it, it's a major fucking problem and I don't know how they go, like, I just feel like those things will come along and they'll just be like, well, you have those things that don't need to,

they don't need a flat screen TV, they don't need any of that type of shit, they can do the work of 10 people. Or let's say they can do the work of four people, then there's three extra people out there, isn't there? Or there's four extra people out there. Let's fucking cut this thing down by 25%. I mean, there's already too many fucking people walking around. You can have a bunch of robots walking around too. At some point, something's got to give.

All right? And I can guarantee you one thing, robots are never forming a union. All right? They're not going to. So I think they'll be smart enough to not get them to do that. But the greed of going after the dollar and making one that's just a little bit better, just a little bit better, like these fucking iPhones, I think we could get ourselves into a tough situation.

And here's a question I have. If you kill a robot in the future, like, is that going to be considered property damage? At what point will that actually be considered murder one or murder two or robot slaughter? All these new laws, you know what I mean? What if they make them what they're trying to do? They're probably going to make them fuckable at some point like that fucking movie I saw like a year ago, you know What if you go out and you fuck somebody else's robot, you know Like hey, that's my robot. You just came in my fucking robot. What the fuck?

Even though it's self-cleaning and all that shit. I can't fucking do that, right? You just really open it up a fucking can of worms there All right clown sightings oh shit knee is calling me my episode of the Simpsons is on tonight is it on I'm doing the podcast well I can hit pause. Well, hurry up. Hey, come here. What? I don't want to miss it. Put your eyebrows down. You're like, what are you doing? I don't want to miss it. Hey, how nice is my car?

It's very nice. It's awesome. Ugh. I thought you were going to go harder than that. I thought you were going to say it was like gorgeous. All right, how good was the potato pancake? That was delicious. It was better than the restaurant.

Does it mean or do you guys just have like distinct lack of fucking passion this is totally you like this is what I want you to do this is what I want you to do now for the love of God go fucking do it and I'm sitting in like a little six-year-old mommy look what I can do all right just hit pause I'll be up there in a second. I can't hit pause. There's no TV out. Oh, alright. I know this guy's fucking depression-era fucking cable. Alright, I'm just gonna hit pause here

and then we'll come back and finish this. Alright, you know, and after all that, it wasn't even on. She fucking went off on how great the potato pancake was. She thought the car was gorgeous You see how they do you see what they do you see what they do all of a sudden I'm I'm fucking bragging a little bit. Ah

All goes out there always trying to fuck you knock knock you down a little bit. All right. Here we go clown sightings You're listening to one right now. All right clown sightings dear freckles Have you heard about this clown hysteria? Sorry, have you heard about this clown hysteria? Sorry, have you heard about this clown hysteria? Freaks are dressing up as creepy clowns and going out in public trying to scare people. I've seen those. Just search creepy clown sightings as a bunch of shit pops up. Other people are now starting to go out to go clown hunting and

beating the shit out of clowns that they see in public. Now how the fuck do you go about doing that? Isn't it? There's like nine people in the country that have done that. Let's go out clown hunting. Like where do clowns hang out? Do they have a natural habitat? Is there a bush you can go to? The clown bush? Shake it a little bit? Throw some rocks into it? Anyways, my question is one of... is if one of these clowns charged at you,

what would you do? Do you think it would be legal to run over slash beat the shit out of the fuckers or should you let the misfit go without harming him? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Um, I Think at this point I've seen enough of those videos that somebody if one of them came running at me with like dragging the body And it's just so fucking over the top I

Don't know I but you'd have to just out of respect for yourself your own safety You'd have to fucking back up or run away. Yeah, I mean if a guy running at me because of my luck. This would be the guy who isn't fucking around I'd be like yo, what's up YouTube world star, whatever take a fucking axe to the head But you know, I don't think that you should go. I don't like cloud hunting to me is hilarious. Like how the fuck would you even remotely begin to know where to look? You know what I mean? Like there was that thing for a while where people putting train horns in their vehicles and those people should be prosecuted because, you know, my ears are fucked up from years

ago when I concerts and playing drums and shit. And like somebody did that one time when I went by. It's funny watching people jump and shit, but it was close enough that it did even more damage to my left ear, which is fucked up. And it's like, that's something now that I have to live with because this person wanted to have a laugh. I mean, the ringing went away, but they definitely,

when you do shit like that, I mean you are kind of asking... You are asking for it. You shouldn't do it. Like the other people, you shouldn't go beat the shit out of them. They're just fucking around trying to make a funny video. I mean, you really have to go beat the fuck out of them. But when you do scare somebody to that level, maybe that is a thing that you can kind of expect. I don't fucking... I don't know what the rules of clowning is.

Alright, now she's tech to me saying that it's starting. Alright, hang on. Stopping again. Every time I get momentum. You know, we get a fucking holding call and it just kills the drive. Alright, now back again. Guess what? It wasn't even the episode. It was the wrong episode. It was a pre-episode. To the episode that they're going to show that I'm on. All right. Anyways. All right.

Waterproof electronics. Waterproof electronics. All right. Dear Billy Wet Phone, just to let you know, the waterproof or water resistance rating on electronics is bullshit. The same goes for watches and any other water resistant item. Here's how they determine the water resistance. I mean that makes sense. I mean you pour water onto anything. It's gonna gradually seep through, right?

Although boats don't. Ah, that must have been the dumbest I've ever sound. Boats do okay. They stick the phone in water, in a water-filled tank, and then increase the pressure until the phone has problems. The water in the tank is perfectly still, and the pressure simulates the depth below sea level. It's a bullshit test because the water you drop your phone into is probably splashing all about and your phone is going to move in the water as it sinks.

If you don't drop your phone into an ocean or a river, you might drop it into the kitchen full of detergent or some other situation that isn't perfectly still water pressurized under test conditions. It's another marketing trick which technically, legally correct for the fine print, but is bullshit for the day to day life. I don't know. I don't, I don't, it's got to be better than the shit that isn't waterproof where you just fucking sneeze on it and doesn't work. I know my watch, I kept wearing it while I was doing cardio and all of a sudden it was fucked up and it was just because it was on my wrist and just sweating every day.

It got wet. Um, I don't fucking know. I have no idea. It's probably all bullshit. I know when they do miles, you know, how much a car gets, miles per gallon, they drive it like one mile an hour with no headwind for most of the fucking test. Um, Cleo, what is going on with you buddy? What is going on with you? Go lay down. Jesus Christ. Are you allergic to the rug every time you come down here? You start flipping out.

Alright um, let me do these last couple of reads and then I can finish with the questions here. Sorry for the whole fucking pause and then going on this week. Alright, MVMT watches everybody pronounced movement. Oh That's I'm supposed to say all right movement watches everybody was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank the watchmakers Goal is to chart change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality minimalist products at revolutionary

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So they start a company I? stylish watch so they start a company? I can't afford a G5 Jet. I think I'll start a Jet company. How was... How is this like... How is this like how you started, built a following, launched into podcasts, YouTube, radio, etc. I'm not supposed to be reading this shit. Oh, I'm supposed to be like, oh, these guys remind me of how I... Oh, how guys remind me of how I fall how I did it

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I can't afford one. So I started pure breeding dogs. That's not even a good example. I wouldn't even know how you'd fucking do that. I wanted my own island, but I couldn't afford one so I bought islands. I started a company that made islands. Bill we get it. All right. All right. Stamps.com everybody is the easiest and convenient way to get postage right from your desk. Buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer. With Stamp Stop Com, there's no guesswork. They make it easy

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going to the post office all right okay Let's get back to the fucking questions here. Um, let's see, where the hell was I? Okay, water. Dear Billy, wet phone. Alright, we did that one, okay. Uh... All right, we did that one. Okay. That's all you're listening to. Said, PS, keep a little black book full of your phone numbers from now on so you never lose another contact. I'm actually doing that with a couple of little red books.

I couldn't find the black ones. All right. CEO, hey there, Billy Boss. If you could become CEO of any company for a couple of months, which company would it be and what would you try to change? Monsanto. And I'd stop poisoning the food. Oh, Auntie Monsanto, which is now owned by Bear.

Bear doesn't care. Imagine you have a few months, so it's not like you get to get fired day one for joining Apple and changing the name to Orange for selfish purposes. Also you pick Apple and can also pick any other company you talk less about as well. Haha, thanks for everything. I think I answered it. I think I also, my dyslexia kicked in and none of those sentences made sense to anybody. Those last two ones.

What did it say? Oh, it gives a shit. Yeah, that's what I would do. I would, I would, I don't know. It would be nice if the way corporations will run, you know, at some point you made enough money and at some point you thought, well, hey, what would this be doing to the environment? What would this be? You know, I actually heard that they're lobbying, they got all these lobbies going on right now to make marijuana illegal again

at the state level because allegedly, prescriptions medication has dropped drastically in states where marijuana use is legal. They want to make it illegal again, evidently. My question is, why don't the big pharmaceutical companies just start making weed? You know, and phase out these other fucking pills. They're not working anyways. You know they don't work. You know all those fucking side effects. I mean, it's fucking nuts. This is shit that you can take, literally. That's just for something like really basic and if you get on it for a while, if you come off it, if you come off it too

fast, there's the chance you might kill yourself. I mean they never had stuff like that when I was a kid You know Somebody was all over the place. They were they were fucking they were called a spaz Do is a fucking spaz man. He's all over the fucking place. You know what I mean? I know it's a bad word in Scotland my apologies, but that doesn't mean shit to us you guys say cunt every other word Yeah, I guess uh I don't know that's one of those super depressing kind of questions because when you really think about this really no fucking reason for our behavior Towards one another you know I mean

And I don't know I think it just comes down to this just really You know you know you remember you watch like Planet of the Apes It was like the chimps. They were the fucking doctors, then you had the orange ones They were the old ones, and then you had the gorillas, and they would like the fucking maniacs or whatever Which was sort of oddly racist they were the darkest of all the apes, you know what I mean? They were the worst. And I guess what? The chimps were subtly supposed to...

I guess the orange ones were supposed to be gingers and we were supposed to be the best of people. I don't know. You can always read into all of this shit. But like, I don't know. I think people are kind of like that. You know what I mean? You got fucking nice kind of, hey man, you know, whatever you fucking yapping, man, you

know? And then you just got fucking complete psychos who would literally stab a baby in the head to get another inch forward. And I think those people really succeed in life. Like when you just don't give a shit about, you know, and I'm not saying I'm a fucking perfect person because I've done some horrific shit, but I'm just saying, you know, that's just the pain that I've caused on an individual level. Forget about if you're doing it at the fucking corporate level I Don't know I just love those people go well if I didn't do it someone else would be doing it that that's that's usually a good

that's usually a nice red flag that you're doing something fucked up, but I Really think that we are This is depressing you might want to shut it off now I think we are the there's a flaw in our design and the way we are wired, it's inevitable that we're going to destroy ourselves. It's just, you know, and I really don't think that it's even a necessary human thing. It would be like, whatever the next thing on the food chain was, if we weren't here, it would be taking too much and in its own fucking way would be fucking up the balance of nature and all that type of shit.

But I don't know if I 100% believe that, but I just look at it that way because then I don't I can just I can deal with some of the shit like that. I do have to say though, this presidential election and these two choices is one of the most depressing fucking things I've been around in a long fucking time. I can't believe, I just can't fucking believe, it's a reality TV show star or the fucking devil. Ooh. Oh boy.

Oh boy. Oh boy. All right. Halloween costume. Let's get off that topic. Hey, Bill, when was the last time you dressed up for Halloween? Two years ago. I dressed up as John Bonham.

If you had to go to one of these celebrity dress up parties, like where Heidi Klum goes all out every year and shows up looking like an extra from the Tom Cruise movie Legend, what would you dress up as? When millions of women look at a US Weekly at the hair salon? Who will they see Billy Redface dressed up as when they get to the celebrities wear stupid costumes just like us section? Well first of all, those are all the beautiful people. So I'm out.

I'm not in that section. So I don't think they would. Let's just say all the beautiful people got hit by a truck and it got all the way down to I you know was in that thing let's see I I would probably John Bonham I've done that one enough who would I dress up as somebody like that's known but sort of obscure because you only be the like the 12th douche to show up You know dressed as like donald trump is going to be like everybody's doing that or hillary You don't want to dress up as steve jobs. I still think he's fucking known well enough. You gotta you gotta dress up like uh

Uh, let's see here Who'd be a good one who Who's a good fucking... they were the sh... you know what I mean? Like if you were going to dress up like somebody and uh... you know what? You got me. This is something... I would have... this is something... you just can't fucking pull this gem out. Like you know what? Dressing up like the professor instead of Gilligan. It's basically that formula, but not that example. You know what I mean? Mike, who the fuck lost the last presidential race? Obama ran against who?

Was it McCain? I don't know, but Tina Fey did the fucking, the chick, she did that one to death. I don't know, you know something, Bill Belichick might be a good one. For as well known as he is, I was out here in LA and I just dressed like him, I think people would love it. A hoodie with the fucking cut off sleeves. You just have it up. You know? Maybe him. You know what, I would go Vince Lombardi. Maybe an old football

coach. Go out as Tom Landry, but I gotta pick someone with a fucking blockhead like mine. Something like that. Something along those lines. Rather than like the hacky ones. You don't want to go out as fucking Chewbacca. Anything from Star Wars. Any superhero. I mean that's just fucking lame Trump Hillary that's fucking lame Obama you if you're me you're gonna get in trouble for being in blackface, so you got to leave them alone Shit That's a good question I'd go out was like Phil Rudd drummer for AC DC And people say who are you I'd say Phil Rudd and

people said who's that I'd be like yeah you gotta be ashamed of yourself you just walk away so you get to like have a cool costume and scold people there's a way to go you know pick somebody who people you you feel should know but they don't know addresses Clive Burr I don't know I don't what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. All right, that's the podcast for this week everybody I'm gonna watch those Formula One races. I'm hoping the Red Sox can come back I just want to be able to sit down and watch a fucking game. I don't know anybody on the team I know Pedroia and I know big poppy when he leaves. I'm just gonna know Pedroia Plus this one Cleveland fan was like fucking talking shit to me, a

buddy of mine, he's going, look, oh fucking, you know, Tito's playing a chess game with the fucking Red Sox, and I jokingly wrote back like, you don't need to talk to me, you don't need to talk to a Red Sox fan about Tito playing chess. I saw him play chess a few times when he was here, and it just completely went over the guy's head. You know what I mean? I don't know, I'm just sitting there going like, hey man, you guys are looking pretty good. Nothing. Our bullpen's dominating, we're fucking, we have a couple of injuries. And then Emil's like, I hope you cunts don't win another one in 60 years. I was fucking rooting for you. Ah fuck, do I have another phoner tomorrow? I have one phoner. This is when you call in oh

Shit, I'll get up that early for these guys. Hey, I'm gonna be on the sports junkies I love these guys. I haven't talked to these guys in fucking forever the sports junkies I remember Lurch would always be fucking sitting there all splailed like six foot ten guy Always in sweatpants. I'm gonna be calling in at 620 a.m., which is 920 Eastern Time. Gonna be calling that and that's to promote my shows at the National Theater October 15th through the 1915, 16, 17, 18, 19. Five nights running my fucking mouth, getting ready for my special and then I do the special and then my fucking year is basically over I'm just gonna edit the rest of fucking season 2

I'm gonna be doing comics come home in Boston and That's gonna be about it. It's gonna be about it. All right. Well, that's the podcast for this week Once again, I really meant that about being able to buy that car thank you to everybody who came out to my shows throughout the fucking years and That's it Jacksonville, I hope you guys can dig yourselves out nice and quick I bet the weather is nice now now that it's fucking over And I hope the insurance companies don't fuck you too bad But either way when you can go back to that city again when I get my next hour,

I'm definitely going to come through because Jacksonville is always going to be on my tour schedule. I always have a good time when I run through there. And who's kidding who, I got to get back to Gainesville to make that up, which I think I might be doing in February because in February I'm going to be going to the Daytona 500. I've always wanted to go to that thing. Way back since Rusty Wallace, Harry Gantt, Darrell Waltrip, Kayle Yarbrough, Bill Elliott, Rusty Wallace, right? Dale Earnhardt. Who else ran back then? Dick Trickle.

All right. That's the podcast. Fuckos! I will talk to you. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I Really had to try not to make a noise when I sat up there doing that shit. All right What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition going into week number six Hope everybody's doing good in between shows.

We are back this week but before we get into our picks this week let's shout out the sponsor. It's the BetMGM app. It's the best sports betting app out there guys and here's how it works. All you got to do is download the app on your device on your phone and use our code bonus code BURR that's B-U-R-R and you deposit as little up to ten dollars as little as ten dollars deposit and you will get on your first bet you'll get fifteen dollars a fifteen hundred dollars in bonus bets if your bet loses so there you go it's very easy. You put in as little as $10 and you use our code bonus code. Here in the game, 10 bucks, 10 bucks. You walk in $10 and Dunkin donuts. They'll tell you to screw

dude. And if your initial bet loses you, you know, you'll still get, uh, you'll still get bonus, bonus, uh, bet 1500 and bonus bets. I mean, what else do you want? Use our code. Bonus code, Burr. Hey, Paulie. Paulie went three and one. All is doubters. All is doubters. Paulie, you're on the hot seat and all that. I've been telling you for years. He's ice cold in September. the the the the the Who do you like Paul the Winnipeg Blue Bombers or the fucking BC Eagles? Dude, I don't even like that. I don't think Vegas even knows to vague. This year is just a show

They're in fucking bed with all of them Anyway, I gotta I gotta I gotta thank I gotta thank I Gotta thank the anything better fans, dude. I gotta thank everybody who watched my special dude. I put my special out my I put my special out last yesterday a day. It's 24. It's day old. I put it out yesterday I put my own money up for it dude over 200 comments came in people saying Best of his three is somebody goes I'm two minutes in and I just screamed in my living room, Verzi don't miss. And they were like nothing but net. They were saying 10 out of 10 classic. So I really, really appreciate it. You put that special out in September would have bombed.

You're the Mr. October. What a week you had. You went three and one. Your Yankees big victory last the the hybrid pitchers. It's not overhand and it's not sidearm. I feel like those fucking guys, they're like cockeyed. They can't throw a strike. Yeah. I feel like you got one of those guys and the, this guy was half Dan Quisenberry last night. Yeah. I mean, dude, it's both New York teams. Both New York teams seem like they're good. Imagine another Yankees and Mets, another Yankees, Mets World Series.

The Mets closed out the fucking Phillies. Yeah, well the Mets are on fire. I want that series too. Huh? The Mets are just really like caught a nice fire at the right time. Yeah, you know what I like on Kansas City? I don't know his name, I love that catcher.

He just looks like a catcher, like an old school catcher too. Not like Joe Girardi who looked like a catcher that rally going he hits after Bobby Witt Jr. Dude I love October baseball. Yeah. I love it. I don't know why people they and I get it because you know basketball hockey and all of that it's really a fucking shame. Baseball had any fucking brains Paul. They would shorten their regular 100 percent got to be shorter. They would get their fucking playoffs out of the way before hockey and before the NBA. I mean, marriages break up this time of year, Paul. It's fucking insane. All four are going.

162 games is way too, it's like, and that's why when you listen to sports talk and radio, they're like, what's happening to this team? It's like, what's happening to the team is they're five months into the season and that's what's happening to the team. All right, let's get into these picks because we are both short on time. But thank you guys for watching the special reasonable man on my YouTube page. I'm completely

overwhelmed by the first let's keep it coming up. I'll do my podcast. We're gonna blow you out. Paul is what you guys don't know. Polly is so close to making some fucking money in this business. and he's gonna come on here shirtless with a fur coat challenging somebody. You know what I love? Paul Verzee with some money is gonna be one of the funniest things I ever fucking seen. Oh you know it.

Convertible, you get no horse. Pauli you like to spend. You know what I, you know what I knew that the special was doing good was they were looking for things. They were like, this is hilarious, but is the sound good? Like that's what I knew. But one of my haters goes, one of my haters goes, you know, Pauly starting to grow on me.

This is hilarious. I'm like, all right, let's go. Oh my God. You even got the old man up in the balcony. My favorite one was though, he hits a swish, all that verzi, hits nothing but net and he never misses. But anyway, thank you. And Bill, you helped.

Dude, I'm so proud of you and I'm so fucking happy for you. It's about time. And you. It's about goddamn time. You shared it. I really appreciate that. Same thing with them, listen to everybody else. All right, we're into week six. We're into week six. I saw these lines. Andrew, can you throw these lines up because this was I know we're I know we're pressed for time, but we got to talk about how the Jets got rid of their coach. He doesn't even let them say goodbye. I mean, that's I mean, that's like ghosting a chick. You know what I mean? Be a man. Look her in the eye and just say, Look, I want

to fuck somebody else. I'm sorry. I just you know, I didn't want to cheat on you. You know, it's me and my dick, you know, what? Walking him to his car, dude, walking him to his walking him to his car. Like he goes, Can I say goodbye to my guys? Nah, nah. I mean, that's I was joking. I just did Jim and Sam and I was joking that they had his car started and warmed up for him when he walked out. Dude, you know how frustrating it must be to be a coach of a jet and jets and get walked out like that? When they're acting like it's you. It's like, like buddy you haven't won since 1969. Don't fucking escort me out

Yeah, like you guys were over here winning championships Blindside me like that and then I can't say goodbye to the players that love me that I love Dude, he's gonna be sitting in a bar talking about that 20 years from now I'm not saying he's not gonna have other successes But that's gonna be the one like that one chick who, you know, extra ripped your heart out. You never forget him. The Jets just did that. You know what? They got an enemy in that guy. Oh, dude, tell me that guy's not going to get another job and mark the Jets on the calendar. Although I don't think he was a great head coach. I think he's a great defensive coordinator. But, uh,

can I ask you a question? How can you gauge anybody on the jets? Sure. What's he got up? What's he got above him? Shit. What's he got below? Yeah, always make the wrong fucking choice. It's a shit sandwich, Paul.

Yeah, shit sandwich. And he's the he's the fucking baloney in the middle of it. And then they always fucking blame him. I think you're right about that. A head coaching job with the Jets. You're basically you might as well just send a fuck. You fill out a job application at ESPN to sit there. They all end up there.

All the. Herman Edwards, Rex, right. They just end up on TV wearing a suit. That's hysterical. Imagine it was like, he was like, all right, now where's the, uh, like as he signed in the contract for the jets, he goes, yeah, is the ESPN thing. Do I, should we just do that? How bad that job is?

That's how bad that job is. They have to like give you the best job in football, which is just talking football. All of those fucking guys, Jimmy Johnson, once he starts talking football, it doesn't have to deal with the hot seat. You're like, fuck this, I'm staying here once a week. What are they doing in Baltimore? All right, Jimmy, here's your check.

Go back to your boat. All right, let's get into the picks here, Paul. Who's going first? It's week six, so hold on a second you went you went like that. You're one. I want your two. Oh Thank you. You went year one. I went year two you went your three One so it's me. So it's my it's my first it's it's my pick a month I mean, what are we doing here? You should be picking first a month Jake the snake. Can we get an injury report?

Sure for which game any any big ones Jack don't think I don't notice you've been going to the gym I'm seeing those packs starting to peek through the t-shirt this guy's doing a makeover this season Thanks, Bill Well, the Texans lost their top receiver Nico Collins. That was the biggest one that went on IR yesterday has lost their top receiver Nico Collins. That was the biggest one that went on IR yesterday. So that's one to watch out for. But there's he done for the year? No, just for a bit like a month. Okay. Yeah. So that that hurts. He's the leading one to

take the month off Paul to watch you special. That's that's how hard you go. Right. Reasonable man, baby. Now, you call. Right. Reasonable man, baby. Now, you come up with this show. You want to hear? You want to hear something nuts? I have swear to God, I'm we got a I got a up to date. Breaking news right now. The assistant general manager of the New York Giants just texts texted me during this. I swear to God, the assistant general manager of the New York Giants just texted me during the stream point. No, he said I'm watching your special this weekend, I swear to God. I swear to God, dude, how nuts is that?

Oh, Christmas comes early every year for Paul Verstee. This is your month. Absolutely. Black people in February, gays have June, and Paul Versey has October. Andrew, can we get the lines, can we get the lines for all the games up? Is that a possibility? Because I think I go first. What you do is you put it on your fucking phone

and then you go into this display in brightness and just say, never shut off the screen and you're right there, Paul. I, what? Andrew what you taught me things Yeah, hey The boy genius from Beverly Hills his rich parents didn't pay attention to him as a kid and his best friends were his computers Yeah, then would you we have so many houses that we just never ran into each other that we just never ran into each other. Yeah.

His friends were at computers, and he should be working at NASA right now, but he's trying to stick it to his dad by doing a podcast. This is your backstory. I threw the 4.0 away. Yeah, I'm going to try and share the screen here and see. Dude, by the way, Bryce Harper, man,

that guy is fun to watch in the playoffs. Do just delivers. I know they got shut down or whatever. But like I turned that one game around, it looks like the Mets were going to sweep them game two. I'm sure the Dodgers didn't show just yet, but there's still time probably tomorrow. What's that? Artless one Padres to to daughters had yesterday.

I mean, I'm inius XM and I have to do it this way. Plus two verse the Bears just talk to me Paul. I like the Jaguars I think that the Bears had a good week last week but they played the Carolina Panthers and I saw the Jaguar the Jags came back and

won that game. I think there we go. There is a game is in London calling by the way. Just letting you know. Yeah, I I like I like Jacksonville. I'm gonna take Jacksonville getting points in London against the Bears.

I know the Bears are good, but I think Trevor Lawrence and them figured something out last week, and I like them getting the points. So let's do that. All right, oh Billy boys going with the Buffalo Bills Monday night minus two and a half against the Jets in the Meadowlands or wherever the fuck you guys play over there. You know the Jets are in flux right now. I don't think they're turning around in a week.

I'm sure Jake you're gonna say somebody's injured. I don't give a fuck. Minus two and a half. I like it. I like it. I think they're going to beat him. I don't know. I just think I think the Jets are cursed. Yeah, I'm not even Aaron Rodgers or fucking Brett Farber, any of these guys that go there can turn them around. All right. I like it.

You know what? Good on that coach. Good for him. He got out of that fucking haunted house. The Amityville horror from the NFL. All right. I'm going to do something I normally don't do, but I'm going to take a lot of points and I am going to take the Cleveland Browns getting nine.

I don't think the Philadelphia Eagles are that good of a team yet Not saying they can't turn it around but Jalen hurts looks different. I Think Browns sort of quitting on the fucking team last week Well, I think that everybody's yeah, I think everybody's saying he stinks and all this stuff I think he's gonna I think he's if the competitor is gonna bounce back, nine points is a lot. They could lose the game and still get some garbage points at the end. I'm gonna take the Browns. I like old against the grain Polly. Uh, I'm going to take the Texans even with that big injury minus seven over my new England Patriots. It's just like, we are fucking hapless. I hate to say it. We're just we haven't found our footing

with the new crew. And it's also a way that I can watch the Patriots and get a positive either they fucking the worst is when you bet against your team they cover and they still lose. This is a big enough spread. Obviously this is very doable, but I'm taking the Texans. Oh Billy win some lose some. 2 and 2 last week. I am going to... She's off this week Paul that's always my lock the NFL that's their story this year. What is that what is the Chargers line? Are the Chargers getting two and a half or they minus two and a half? Minus two and a half. I'm gonna take the Chargers to beat the Broncos. You bastard!

I, uh, well hey, you took mine. You took my Texans, it's even. Uh. Don't do that tit for tat shit with me. Hey, how did I know? How did I? How did I know you were gonna pick them? But, um, yeah, I like the Chargers.

I think they're better. Alright, I like the Steelers going into the Raiders minus three and a half. That's another team. I don't know. I'm just betting against teams that can't seem to get their shit together. It's three now. That's what I have there. Oh, okay.

They said three and a half. Cool. Oh, did I? Maybe I said that. Yeah, no, no problem. Listen, you're the boy genius from Beverly Hills. I'm not going to go. Are the oh, boy, I'm so sorry.

Parents never paid attention to you like that. Your parents are the salt of the earth. They're going to see you. Why was he saying that? I'm going to take dude, I can't see or hear on this one I feel like I'm losing my senses I'm gonna take the Lions minus three over the Cowboys I just think golf is so good and I think they're well coached Wait wait they're playing the Bengals

No they're not the Giants are playing the Bengals I'm sorry I'm sorry I thought you said the Lions Lions Lions Lions those are my four I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought you said the Giants. Lions. Lions. Lions. Those are my four. I'm taking the Lions. Minus three. Why did you just yell those are my four? You feel like you're on shifty ground. I love the second you did it. I didn't get to do it.

Those are my four. All right. That's it. Fucking stick with it. Paul, I'm not gonna lie to you right now. I am fucking... I'm in the fucking midst right now. Bill, I'm like a lie to you right now. I am fucking I feel I'm in the fucking middle I feel like Bill I'm like a dealer in Vegas I go those are my four here we go like this. You just went like this. No more bets. The fucking roulette wheel. No more. No more bets. Oh god damn it Paul. God damn it Paul. Am I gonna go am I gonna go into the DMZ of the NFL am I gonna go

NFC South oh nobody knows what happened down there Paul why's it got to be three and a half because they know Bill they know they know they fucking know I'm staying away from I think the Saints are gonna play strong at home it's gonna be a loss I know but who the fuck are they do? Who are they? And then you got the Falcons of like minus six going into the Saints. Also Saints don't have Derek Carr. Yeah. Go with your gut. So who do they got? Jamison Winston? Some some rookie Spencer rattler Spencer oh rattler Oklahoma last year. Yeah. Yeah long time ago

Spencer Okay, guys. I got five minutes. Just so you know five minutes. I got don't rush me come on You know this don't rush me Taylor Dane. I heard that fucking thing before Rush me remember that Taylor Dane. Why does it got thing before. Don't rush me. Remember that? Taylor Dane. Why does it gotta be minus five? The fucking Packers at home. Why do they have to pick the perfect number? You know what? Fuck this, Paul. Go with your gut. I'm gonna take the goddamn Saints. I'm gonna take the fucking Saints. Three and a half. Getting three and a half at home. No one knows who this Spencer for hire kid is.

He's out. What kind of kid named Spencer comes out of Oklahoma. He's an enigma Paul, and he's going to confuse them. Okay, they're all going to be worried with this tornado coming or whatever the fuck it is this biblical thing that's coming. What point Paul we gonna address global warming? This Florida literally have to fall off like an appendix off of this country. You know what kills me is people are so fucking divided liberals wouldn't care the same way the I've seen comments about that, about it coming there. Good, man, wash them all away. How could you say that about your fellow freshman? That's terrible.

The locker room is divided. I like Florida, Paul. Some people in this world should just be killed. Segue. I mean, I feel like we could close the podcast on that one. Quick Monday night special, Pills and Jets, Monday night. What do you think? Any?

Hey, Paul. I like that same spate, Bill. My wife was being moody do you think? I mean, uh, Hey, Paul, I like that same story. My wife was being moody. You know what I mean? And this morning I just been, I feel like I've been a good guy. So I wrote her a poem. No, you didn't. And I wrote, I know it all rhymed about all this shit I was doing for her. And then in the end was the punchline. I just got it. She laughed her ass off. That's why I married him. That's great. I said, I'm taking you to Paris. I'm hitting it like Maris. It was an epic fucking pulp. That's a good one. I like that. And I like that Saints pick. You know why? Because that was your gut. So now you could sleep with it. It's all about sleeping with it. Um,

Oh, that was you last year. You know what? I can sleep with, I can sleep well with my picks. I could see. Yeah. It's like, if I lose, I could sleep with it. Um, I think we go Monday night special. We got to do bills, right? We got to take the bills Monday night special. We got to do that. We got to do Monday night special, we got to do bills, right? We got to take the bills Monday night special. We got to do that. We got to do Monday night special and everybody's got to watch Paul versus Come on, you got to watch Paul versus special

reasonable man, baby up the numbers. Reasonable man, baby. Yep. He's a reasonable man. Let's go. What do you think Bill bills minus two and a half. Josh Allen to throw one to throw one 100% I love all of that. Josh Allen to throw one. Josh Allen to throw one, 100%.

I love all of that. James Cook to run one. He's injured at the moment, so maybe someone else. Jake the Snake. Jake the Snake. All right. Jake the Snake. We just don't play a vote.

Like, we don't know. All right, so then we won't do James Cook. You know what, Jake, you know what you are on this? You're like our financial advisor. And every week we're sitting there going like, I'm buying a boat. You're like, hey, you know, you are on this? You like the our financial advisor and every week we're sitting there going like I'm buying a boat. You're like, Hey, you know, you might want to just rent one this weekend.

What else do we do? Josh, over over under over 15 rushing yards. I mean, yes, what? Yes. Over under this week. No, you did. Dude, I like Josh Allen to run for 15 yards. Don't you? 41. I like that bet Paul. God damn

it. Which one? I like I like what you just said. Yeah, Josh Allen to run to rush over 15 yards. Hey, Paul, it's October. I'm drafting behind you like a bike race. I'm not going to question you. So we'll

do this. Josh Allen anytime touchdown. Josh Allen to rush for 15 more than 15 yards and bills to win by a field goal. That's I love it. Let's do it. It is. There it is. Let's do it. There it is. All right, guys. This is this is our picks

for week number six. Next time I'll be normally in my normal studio, but there you go. There you have it. Please download the Bet MGM app on your device. Put a minimum as low as $10, a minimum of $10 in deposit, and you will get $1,500 in bonus bets.

We're still doing the touchdown thing, right? The first touchdown, you bet on who's going to get the first touchdown. If that person does not get the first touchdown, but in fact they get the second touchdown, you will still get the bet, right, Andrew? Hey, real quick, shout out to Washington Huskies. Great win last week. Yes, great game. Underrated stadium, all you people out there that live in the Midwest, now that the Huskies are in the Big Ten, if your team plays them out there, you won't regret going to go see them. And shame on all those fucking rats that uploaded that video, that guy on Michigan saying, telling

that fucking kid, I'll beat the fuck out of you. That's exactly what he should have said. No, you fucking assholes, quit ratting out people. Say, threaten someone that deserves to be threatened. All right, I said my piece. That's it, all right. We'll see you next week. Happy gambling, everybody.

They should have thrown that kid to the whole Michigan team. You know what I wish I did when he was yelling at all those Michigan kids? I wish I just grabbed his legs and fucking sent him over down with the lines and Like now talk some shit. Yeah, fucking pussy. Uh, all right. Great. Great way to end. I agree. Great way to end the show. Uh, there's the pics. Check out reasonable man on my YouTube channel right now. Enjoy the rest of the week. Enjoy football that responsibly take care guys. All right, we'll see you. ["The Big Game"]

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