Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-11-18

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

Bill rambles about getting a new phone, playoffs, and sociopaths.

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Hey, what's going on? How's your week going? Is it going good? That is good. You keeping your head above the fucking water? I'm having the best of times. I'm having the worst of times. My fucking phone, I don't know what's going on with it.

Nothing on it says it needs to be updated, but it keeps saying that it needs to be updated, and now it won't connect to my wireless cell phone carrier. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Oh, look at it. Oh, what is it doing now? What is it doing now? I can't tell if I fucking fixed it or not.

You know what these fucking assholes at Apple do? These fucking assholes. Do you remember back in the day you could opt out and not update your phone and you could keep it forever? So they're like, oh, God forbid, God forbid, one fucking nickel. Those cheap fucking money grubbing corporate cunts. God for fucking bid. One fucking nickel rolls out the window that they feel belongs,

rightfully belongs in their pockets. So now what do they do? Now you can't opt out of the update. Now you have to update the phone, and it's all designed to fill up your old phone, right? So then you fucking bring the fucking thing in, and then you got to get the one that takes a picture of your face or whatever it does.

And then now we'll take your old phone and do what? Give it to the poor bastard in Philippines that had to fucking put the thing together? Here's your reward for working in our fucking factory for 20 fucking hours a day, making these new iPhone 19s. We're going to give you the old iPhone 7. Way to go there, buddy.

And if you don't do that, they just fucking throw the things out and they end up in the fucking ocean. Somehow these people aren't the fucking problem. These people are like, let's go to the other fucking side of the world, blow a billion dollars a fucking month, fighting 3,500 jerkoffs on a fucking jungle gym. But these cunts who are polluting the ocean have poisoned the fucking food supply,

turned it into God knows what, you got nine-year-olds walking around with fucking mustaches, there's so much fucking human growth hormone, whatever the fuck they're putting in the goddamn shit, right? That ain't not the problem. Really, that's all fucking ISIS has to do, just spend 300 grand on a fucking chicken parmesan plate to help finance your fucking campaign,

then they're in the clear, that's all they need to do. Sorry. That's how far I take it with the fucking update on my phone. Hey, Bill, why don't you just give in, man? Everybody's going to do it, man. Go get the fucking phone with your face recognition. I've been playing like this mental tennis. I keep threatening to leave Apple.

Like, fuck these guys, because my laptop's almost full, my cell phone, I don't know what's going on with it. It seems to be working when I'm around my house, but it's hilarious, right when I need the fucking thing, it shuts off, which makes me feel like the computer cunt in it is looking at my calendar. Oh, he needs to do a radio tour. You know, the phone's just like,

I think we'll just shut down now. Last night, I had to call in the fucking sports gambling podcast with Sean Green and Ryan Cramer. All right, which they'll be playing on their show tonight. Actually, no, I'm sorry. I'll be playing it later on in my podcast, right before the throwback episode. I'll be playing it after I'm done ranting about my fucking phone.

You know, I'm actually considering leaving, but then, you know, somebody's like, well, Apple actually pushed back against the FBI, you know, on the privacy thing. And it's just like, well, then they're also doing all this fucking creepy shit. You know, the worst fucking move I ever made was getting a smartphone.

All right, I should have stayed with the flip phone, but now I got the smartphone, you know, it's like you're riding first class and now you have to go back to coach. But I'm really considering, considering, you know, maybe I'll get like a second phone for all these fucking radio tour things that I have to do that I love doing, calling in all these great shows

that have helped me promote my shows. Maybe I'll just do that, because I've never heard of anybody talking about their flip phone fucking crapping out, really? Does that make me a hipster if I get one of those? I don't know. You know, God damn well it'll be down the Apple Store. Here's the iPhone 10.

Show us your face. Okay. I'm trusting you won't do anything illicit with that. Everything's above board, even though you're not concerned with polluting the fucking environment. I mean, to be honest with you, like with these corporations, like when does it fucking stop, these fucking bankers?

When does it fucking stop? It's unreal and you can't say anything. If you fucking say anything, they label you a socialist. It's like I'm not the one polluting the fucking oceans. I'm fine with this phone. How much better does the camera have to be? We're going to be able to count the pores on my fucking relatives' faces?

It's fine. You did a bang up job. How about this? How about you own the phone and I'll fucking rent it from you? Everything must move forward. Everything must be a little bit better. Someone shows up to work, they have the better phone. It makes the others feel less than.

Anyway, so I got rid of the worst part of my week, which is that shit. And of course, I have to fly out early tomorrow morning to go to Saginaw, Michigan, which by the way, I just found out from some of my relatives that my great grandparents had a house out there like 100 years ago, so I have the address. No, I won't be saying it.

Yes, I put it in my phone. Yes, Steve Jobs from Beyond the Grave is already fucking in a fucking drone with his spirit hovering over it so they can capture me there. There's some fucking face recognition about the top of my head, whatever the fuck those creeps are trying to do over there. Like some of these people, they literally have to put nets outside their factory to prevent people from leaping to their fucking deaths.

And for some reason, they're not a problem. It's not a fucking problem. Look the other fucking way. I don't get it. Anyways, plowing ahead. So I'll be in Saginaw, Michigan, which I've never performed there, so I'm very excited to go there. My hour, I got an hour and a half right now

and it is more than ready to be recorded. So old Freckles got to figure out when he's going to do his next special because last night I did a private gig for this Jewish community there. And I had such a great time. I was only supposed to do a half hour. I felt like I was on stage for 20 minutes and I looked down and I had done an hour. It's like, all right, this is, it's time to go.

But I had such a good time at that fucking gig. You know, usually I don't like to perform in front of like all, like one group of people, you know, because everybody has the same perspective and then it kind of closes down what you can talk about. But this crowd last night was, they were, they were, they were amazing. You know, this buddy of mine booked the thing. And we were backstage and he had cigars and shit.

It was just like one of my favorite gigs of the year. And I got to be honest with you, like I've really fucking, I'm learning how not to get in arguments with people, you know, because we were just talking about all this shit and then he brings up, what do you think about Israel? I'm like, I could say, dude, I'm not going to fucking get into this with you. What do you think about it? I mean, what do you want?

It's like everything. It starts with a good idea. How it's executed. Is that the best idea? I don't, I don't know. I think there's mistakes made up both sides. And then it's literally like trying to talk to a sports fan where they can't see anything that their team does wrong.

So he started to get into it and I was just like, you know what? Fair enough. What do you think about the Red Sox Astros? Like, I'm not going to get into this fucking debate with you. You know, and we avoided this huge fucking debate on something that I have. I'm not really well read on. But the old me, I would have dove right in both fucking feet. You know what I mean?

Comparing this country with the Native Americans, I was prepared to do all of that, none of which I'm well read on. And I was just like, you know what, why don't you just shut the fuck up and smoke your cigar? So I just said, you know, it's fair enough. Why am I going to get this guy all stirred up, speaking in third of a fact that I overheard in a fucking airport? And I let it go.

It was great. You know, here's another great part of my week. The fucking Red Sox beat the New York Yankees in another playoff series. That's two in a row. You know, we're on a hell of a run. I think they beat us like, well, I guess not the playoffs, but you know what I mean? They beat us up.

I think this is our century. Um, all right, here's the deal. You know about, you know me, I don't fucking rub it in. All right. I want to congratulate the Yankees on a hundred win season and the direction that they are going in because those guys, they're going to be a force and as much for Yankee fans, as much as this one hurt, um, it's going to make like those,

your team feeling that feeling of fucking losing, they're not going to want to feel it again. And I already thought that they were, they were playing great. Um, and I'm not going to sit there and act like I'm a GM and I know what piece you need. Um, now what to see now? Look at my fucking, now my computer won't fucking start back up. All right.

Here we go. Um, but, uh, it was just a great series and, um, you know, I don't know. It's just great for baseball when those two teams come together and, uh, yeah. And I realized when I was watching it that I don't hate the Yankees. I mean, how can you hate the greatest fucking organization, 27 championships?

You can't get mad at that. You know what? And I don't even hate their fans. It's just that small segment of fan that if they won, you know, the amount of shit that they would have talked would have been just like, um, like, did you see like in the eighth inning, right? When we loaded up the bases in the clincher and that stud came out for the Yankees and he just pitched him out of the situation

or whatever and he ordered out of the situation to put himself in. I can't even remember. It was a fucking blur. And when he struck out that dude with the bases loaded, when he went to the dugout, those two fat fucks, like ringing up the last batter egg, like those are the morons. They're like all day.

All day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those fucking mouth breathing morons. Those are the ones straight across the board in sports that patriots have those fans. Red Sox have, you know, I'm not saying all of their fans.

They just have those fucking people. And they're the ones that, um, they're the ones that ruin it. You know, like they, those are the ones that like, if I actually sat across from them and they got over the fact that I was a Red Sox fan and I wanted to talk to the rivalry, I could never get past like, oh, fuck it babe. What is your head? Fucking stupid.

Like those people just like, all right. So that was the only time I felt hate in that series. What is when I saw those fucking idiots. And I got to be honest with you, dude. Um, this is embarrassing to say, but the level of mouth breather when they pandered the crowd in Yankee stadium and at Fenway Park is just unparalleled. It's in Philly too.

I don't know what it is. You know what I mean? It goes down south. You got the southern bell. You got the fucking good old boy. You go out Midwest. You get those people dressed like Pete Carroll, you know, just like, how does a person in their twenties dress like that?

Then you go out to the West coast. They got their own vibe. You know. And, but like, I'm telling the East coast, like, I got to, I got to be honest with you. Like we, we have corner. It's so weird because you have some of the smartest fucking people like Boston, New York have a real similarity there where

both cities are re really right on the coattails of the amount of smart people that move to the city. You know, Boston has, they have Harvard, they got fucking MIT, they got BU, Emerson college, all these places, all these smart talented kids come into the city juxtaposed to the locals. And New York, you got all that bridge and tunnel, all these fucking people that move into Manhattan, you know, and really make it what it is.

And then they said, these fucking morons, sweatpants, hoodies, fucking tad steak, eating fucking mouth breathing, mouth breathing, fucking morons. I got a kick out of that. And I am one of those fucking morons, by the way, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a goddamn elitist here. Now that he moved out the fucking phony ass Hollywood. I'm not looking down my adorable little nose at you.

No, I am not. I was that guy. I was that guy out in the fucking outfield who wanted to make his section laugh who was loud and fucking drunk. I did the plenty of games. There's got to be some sort of security footage out there of it. Anyways, so sale comes in the eighth inning and just, I mean, for a Red Sox fan versus the Yankees, I mean, I don't think you

ever get over fucking 2003, the seventh and eighth fucking innings. And then it's just like those innings, you know, all the way back to Bucky Dent makes you fucking nervous. And he fucking just cruised right through the eighth inning. I'm like, oh my God, we have a three run fucking lead. And then I see Kim Brawl up and I'm just like, don't put that guy in. How about the fucking guy in the seventh inning with the Bob Stanley torso?

I don't know anybody's fucking names anymore. I got a kid. I don't have time to figure this shit out. I was going like, oh, this motherfucker, look at this. How is he this out of shape with all the, all the exercise videos out there, all the fucking nutritionists. Oh, look at this guy. Look at this guy.

He should have that fucking cop utility belt on when he's out there pitching. So anyways, he does great fucking sale shuts them down. Then Kim Brawl comes out and what he proceeds to load the fucking bases. And I'm telling you, I thought I was past it. I kept telling him, all I wanted to see him do was win it once. They've won it three times coming down from three, three, oh, you know,

oh, three to win. You know, biggest comeback in baseball history. I'm good. I really thought that I believed that. And then I just the ninth inning came and I could not stay in the room. I want to apologize to Kim Brawl for all the shit I said about him in that inning. Oh God, I was out in the kitchen between pitches and I would run in.

I poked my head in another ball and then I would just Tourette's walking out and my daughter was asleep. So I'm like whispering, Jesus fucking pressure off fucking strike. You fucking cunt, right? You fucking red bearded fucking cunt. What the fuck would you leave fucking sale in there? So anyways, when that's they, then it's four to two, then it's fucking four to three.

It's a fucking batter to make it four to two hits a batter with the bases loaded walks in a fucking run, basically, or whatever hits a bat run in, then a sack fly. Now it's four to fucking three. Those fat mouth breathers. I can see a fucking freaking out dead jelly bodies. And then there's a slow dribbler down to the third baseline. And I'm like, oh my God, is this going to be an infield hit?

And then he calls the fucking dude out and I did the most embarrassing celebration dance. And then like it's under review. And I'm like, oh my God, is this game tied? Are they going to tell me that this fucking game is tied? And then of course they came back and said that it wasn't. But Jesus Christ, I can't believe how much I still care. It's fucking ridiculous.

So then I text a buddy of mine from back in the day and I was just like, did you ever think you'd see the Red Sox drink champagne in the fucking Yankee stadiums, you know, twice in your life? This is unbelievable. And then he wrote back to me. It's dead. It's really dead. All that fucking Bucky Dent shit is dead.

And I laughed and I was like, yeah, but guys like you and me are still going to have, you know, post traumatic stress disorder from all of those times where it wasn't. And he was like laughing going, yeah. So I think there's like this weird sort of, um, it's schism, the word between Red Sox fans right now. There's the people that live through it and the people that don't know anything, but what's going on right now.

And I like being around those people, the second ones, the ones who are just thinking positive because I actually found myself saying positive shit. He's going to strike this bum out. Come on. Go ahead and break their hearts. They're all fucking cheering. I remember when Yankee Stain used to get really loud, I would get all

fucking nervous going out. God, they're just going to will them in there. What's fucking Jeter going to do? You know, um, so anyways, I can't. Believe that we want it. And I really thought we were going to lose that series. And I also feel that if we fucking blew, if we blew game four, I didn't see us coming back when in game five.

Um, I just didn't. So now we're under the fucking Houston Astros who nobody is talking about for whatever goddamn reason went through the Indians like a buzz saw and scary Terry Francona. Um, I don't know. They'll to vey and all of these fucking guys, these guys are like, these guys are dialed in. So we will see how we do when we need fucking price to, uh, to finally

get a victory. I know a lot of you guys do what's with this. We stuff. I hate people who say we. Well, I'll tell you why I say we because people go, if you say we won, they're like, you didn't win. But if you fucking lose, it's like, yeah, you guys suck. You know, you guys fucking suck.

You guys choked. You guys fucking blew it. Right. But then all of a sudden you win. If you say, if you use the pronoun we, right, can you still use that pronoun by the way, or did somebody who wants to fucking, uh, have their balls put on their knee and their dick on their ear fucking we who's we me, my dick and my balls.

Um, sorry. Anyways, plowing ahead. So like I mentioned, I'm in Saginaw, Michigan. This is all leading up to, uh, my last big shows of the year, November seventh, I am going to be at Madison square garden. I am going to be recording that night, hopefully successfully this time to put out a goddamn album. Last time, as you remember, I had the set of my life and they didn't

understand what I was trying to do and they only took the sound from the board. So it was just me really loud on my microphone sounding ridiculously excited in front of about eight people. Um, so I'm going to try to, I'm going to try to fucking do that again. And then after that, I have three nights at the unbelievable Chicago theater, arguably the greatest marquee. I think it's the greatest marquee in all the show business.

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All right, you know something? You know what, when Peter always shows those things about animals, you know what one that really fucking got me the other day? I can't remember if I mentioned this on the Monday morning podcast. I was driving down to this gig in Bridgeport and right next to the place that I was playing, they had this sign that showed a cow and then it's calf and the calf was like touching face with its mother, you know what I mean?

Like this beautiful, you know, mother kid fucking type of vibe and it said, this is this calf's first day and last day with its mother. Please stop drinking milk. And I was like, Jesus Christ. You know, now I'm separating families. You know, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with the fucking world right now, but I'm gonna, I'm starting with the cunt in the mirror.

I'm asking him to change his freckles. Those were the original lyrics. I actually wrote that and I sent it to Michael. He's like, well, it seems a little ginger specific. And I said, hey, don't use that word around me. Or I'll use something offensive to your race if I can figure out what the fuck it is. Um, yeah, I am, I'm working on my temper.

I am, I'm not going to get into arguments about people with their fucking belief system. I would like to fucking, you know, I'm not saying I'm going to become vegetarian, but like I would like to really continue to promote more companies that at least they're saying they're doing this. I hope they're not fucking lying. And, uh, I gotta be honest with you, man, I've switched over to fucking almond milk. But here's the thing about almonds, they take up so much goddamn water to grow. And then, you know, there's just too many fucking people.

It always comes down to that. How do we live on this planet? We need to get the fucking population down, right? That's what we need to do. Okay, we need to stop fighting about the goop in the ground. We need to stop fucking screaming and yelling at each other. We got it. It's like we're having a tug of war when we should just fucking, I don't know.

You can't do it. How do you get on the same page? How do you get everybody to start pulling in the same fucking direction? Do you know, like when they take a black light and they go through like a fucking hotel room to see where all the fucking jizz is? If they could come up with one of those lights for sociopaths, and I don't know what you would do with those people. I mean, I think you got to take them out.

You certainly can't stick them on an island and have all of those fucking lunatics there at the same time. There's another great sci-fi movie. Somebody invents a jizz light for fucking sociopaths. They weed them all out, but their big flaw in their system is their fucking liberal. So they can't flip the switch and electrocute them, and they stick them all on the same island. And then they just create a master race of sociopaths. And then there's war-like psychotic fucking people, and then they get in their goddamn Viking ships, and they start coming over to everybody else, walking around with their beta energy and their Bergen stocks.

All right? And of course, there's one good one over there. I don't know why. Somehow there's some sort of fucking lefty gene. It's Hollywood. It's going to have to be the lefty save in the fucking day, right? He gets over there, and he warns them, and he has to teach all of these fucking Bergen stocked fucking lefties how to fight fire with fire and become war-like.

All right? It's basically Empire Strikes Back meets Police Academy. That's how I would pitch it. All right? With a sprinkle of the Dave Matthews band. All right. That's your dumb sci-fi movie of the week. All right.

Now, as a Red Sox fan, I have to one more. I got to tip my cap one more time out of 100% respect for the Yankees and their organization. Do you realize that if the New York Yankees do not win the World Series next year, this will only be the second decade since the 1920s that they didn't win a World Series? Do you understand? Let's fucking look this up here for a second. All right? If you want to get jealous as a fucking sports fan.

New York Yankees. Don't you wish he fucking sang about New Jersey, Frank? Just as a fuck you to New York that never thought he was good enough until he was good enough, then they took him in as their own. You know? I want to wake up in a city that fucking reeks. All right? He's singing about Newark.

And find down bridge and tunnel. To noon I will sleep. Sorry. New York Yankees. Let me hit pause so this doesn't take forever. All right? I only had to pause for two seconds. All right?

The 1920s. All right? 1919, they get Babe Ruth. Okay? The 1920s. They won three titles. 1923, 1927, 1928. Oh, here come the 1930s.

They won one, two, three, four, five. 1932, 1936, 1937, 1938, 1939, including four in a row. They won half the fucking World Series in that decade. 1940s. They won one, two, three, four. They had an off decade. They only won four. 1941, 1943, 1947, 1949.

And then here come the 1950s, where they won one, two, three, four, five, six, including five in a row if you count 1949, because they already won 1949. Then they won 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953. Then they won 1956 and 1958. By the way, honorable mention to the Cleveland Indians when they won in 1946, I believe. What was it, 48?

I can't remember. 48, I think. All right. Then the 1960s. They won two. 1961, 1962. Then the 70s. They won two, 1977, 1978.

Now granted, now there's like fucking, you know, 25, 30 teams in the league, and they're still winning. The 80s, they don't win any. I'm saying one, 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, six fucking decades in a row. 2000, they come right back and they win three, 96, 98, 99. 2000, they won in 2000, 2009.

They won two. How do you count the decades, by the way? Do you count it from sometimes, is it 81 to 90? I don't know. When the odometer flips, that's how I count it. All right. So they have yet to win one this decade. So they've basically won of the last nine decades.

They won a championship. Like a drought for them is not winning in a decade. It's fucking ridiculous. It really is ridiculous. And they have more titles than the Celtics, more titles than the Lakers, more titles than the fucking Montreal Canadians, more titles than the fucking Green Bay Packers with all of their Super Bowls

and all of their fucking Super Bowl titles and the Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowls thrown in. So there you go. And I think that they're going to win one here in the next couple of years, the direction that they're going. So I'm very happy that we were able to beat them. And like I said, I don't fucking rub it in. I got nothing but respect for them.

That's the podcast. Be sure to listen now to my fucking picks, my NFL picks for the week, which I barely, I don't have time to pay attention. I really should start playing fantasy football, so I know who some of the fucking people are in the league. So I'm on the Sean Green and Ryan Kramer show, the sports gambling podcast.

And that's it. Other than that, after that, we'll have a little bit of music and then a throwback from a podcast from a Thursday gone by earlier this year or God knows when. All right. That's it. Go Red Sox and go Pats and all of this stupid mouth breathing shit that I watch.

I saw my problems and I see the light. We got a loving thing. We got to feed it right. There ain't no danger. We can go too far. We start believing now that we can be who we are. This is the word. They think our love is just a growing thing.

Why don't they understand? It's just a crying shame. Their lips are lying only real. It's real. We stop a fight right now. We got to be what we feel. This is the word. This is the word.

This is the word that you heard. It's got to prove. It's got to mean it. This is the time. It's the place. Bill Burr on the sports gaming podcast is brought to you by my bookie. My book is the leader in online sports books.

Use the promo code bill bets for a 100% deposit bonus play win and get paid at my bookie. Daddy G joining us on the line. Bill Burr, Bill, your Red Sox just defeated the Yankees and the LDS three to one. How excited are you for them to move on? I can't believe how much I still care. I was trying to lie to them because I don't feel the way

Price was touching. I was like, you need a one-two to knock a great team like the Yankees out. And I was just, you know, all I wanted to see him was when it was, the movie was over, roll credits. I mean, what are they going to do? 2013 at me. I said all of that stuff and I couldn't believe how much, you

know what it is? It's not the Yankees and it's not the organization. It's their fans. It's what really, and it's not even all of them. It's those mouth-breathing morons that those whack-a-mole fans, you know, the guys who like duck down when they lose and then pop their head up when they win. I literally have a friend.

I'm not even talking about a friend, a co-worker, another comedian. I didn't hear from that guy since game three of 2014. I mean, 2004. I didn't hear from him again until the Red Sox blew that lead with Bobby Valentine in September in 2012. Like nine years later, he popped his head up to start talking trash.

The next year we won the world series. I haven't heard from him again. And I guarantee you if the Yankees won this thing that I would have heard from them. That's the only time I hear from this guy is when the Yankees beat the Red Sox. Yeah. Why not?

Why not? I mean, I do agree. There was a great shot during the game last night where they had this trio of like just straight from the Bronx, like slightly deformed. Yeah. When he struck that guy out, they were like, they, they, they honestly, they make me, I mean, as a Yank, I grew up in New Jersey

as a Yankee fan. It did make me kind of question like, man, I'm associating with these neanderthals. Like there is, there is a certain element of the, the annoyance of the, the, the casual bandwagon Yankee. I will tell you the one, one thing we have in common though, Red Sox and Yankees is, is the level of mouth breathing fans. I mean, when they, when they cut to the crowd, dude, with their

jaws just hanging open, it's all like, it's like wholesome looking or whatever. West coast has their own vibe, Florida in the South, you're lucky if they even show up, right? But like you get to the East coast, Philly, New York, Boston, we are, we're, we're animals. You can't even, you can't even deny it. We're just animals.

Oh, and as someone who's lived now in California for about 15 years, you really start to notice it the longer you're away from it. It stops being normal and you go back home and you're like, oh my God, this is having said that you can get stabbed to death at a game. On the West coast. Yeah, that's all they skip the whole dumping the beer over your head. They just go right to a, you know, a homicide. Yeah. That's, that's the thing as an Eagles fan.

We always get so much shit. Oh, you guys are the worst fans. You guys are mean. You guys booed Santa Claus and threw snowballs. Meanwhile Dodgers fans are putting guys in comas and stabbing people died. Yeah. Died over, over, over a Dodgers game as a game that, you know, barely the city cares about a choice for Philadelphia is the D cell battery. And that's, that's honorable. Not a, not a knife. What's wrong?

That's medium, that's medium security. If you go to jail, you know, something, you know, they had the jail at Eagles, Eagles stadium. If they had one out here and they would have to be, you have to be a prison. Cause the crime that was committed, it wouldn't be like some, some silly drunken behavior. Yeah. You're not getting a couple of days. You're going away for a good long time. Yeah, exactly. And then the crazy Dodger stadium, you can't even tailgate. They won't let you drink beer sir.

If you could move on to the stadium. Thank you. Yeah. The one time I had a couple of beers in the parking lot was playing some Wiffle balls, assuming that's kind of what you do before a baseball game. And a guy in a golf cart came up, took my ID and said I was on the list. So I don't know what list, what list I'm on at Dodgers. Why did you give him your ID? You know what? I should have, I should have just said who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Why would I give it? Listen, I was, I was confronted.

I was going to say where I'm from cops cars have doors. Yeah. I don't know how combustion engines, why don't you go back to criminal justice school and get your degree there, buddy? Yeah. I don't know how would he even, yeah, I don't, it's unclear how he would detain me. Put me back where the golf clubs are supposed to be in like timing in very unclear. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. So, so that's exciting. Let's talk, let's talk about the national football league. Of course,

Bill's going to be making some picks. He's on the line courtesy of my book. He died a G the official online sports book of the sports gambling podcast, 100% deposit bonus using the promo code bill bets. First game that we got here to select is the Eagles minus three headed into giant stadium. NFC East doesn't look great. Speaking of mouth breathers. Yeah. There's going to be a lot of mouth breathing going on. Eagles two and three giants one and four. The NFC East not looking great. Bill, which way are you leaning in this game?

I would take the giants with the points are getting three. Yep. They're, they're the home guys. And I'm going to, I just, you know, those division rivalry games that they lost. The giants lost the heartbreaker last year. I mean, they should, they should be two orders. What is it? Were they one and four? So they should be, uh, it was at two and three. Yeah. They're not as bad as their record. And, uh, I don't know. I don't know much about the Eagles, but I imagine after they won a Super Bowl, a bunch of guys in that team went out and got that free agency money and some coaches left.

So there's always a bit of a hangover trying to figure out who you are after that. Speaking as a Patriots fan, considering we've won so many this century, you know, I can actually speak with this with authority. Yeah. I mean, it's not a good sign when I, you know, there's multiple book tours going for like, I read a backup quarterbacks book in the off season. So that's maybe the, maybe the team did get a little ahead of themselves there. Yeah. They're still celebrating. Yeah. They're probably hanging out with those veterans. Can you believe we want it too? They're doing beer bombs. I would take, I would take, uh, Eli and the points at home.

All right. Kramer, I'm guessing you're going, you're going giants. Why are you going G men? Well, I mean, it's the same thing. We've, the defense doesn't play as well on the road and Carson once, just like the doctor said, he's not all the way back and, and the offense is struggling. There's no magic. The head coach is not, he's not having those magical fourth down Philly Philly calls. And yeah, like Bill said, giants, not as bad. They got hosed by the refs and an awesome kick last week. So of course I'm on the Giants home team is, hey, home team has covered every home Thursday night game. So that, that's true. But here's what I'll say. Eagles 16 and four in the last 20, they have Eli Manning's

number. Also, Ryan, your giants, what are they horrible at covering the tight end? Yeah, exactly. But Zach Hertz, he's a, you know, he's the star right now on offense. You're reaching bro. You're reaching. No, I, I, I think they go in. This is a must win for the Eagles. I just don't think this Giants offensive line will be able to keep the Eagles defensive line, which has been struggling. No sex thing as a must win for the Eagles. They just want the super bowl. Good. I know that's the problem. They got a free pass for the rest of my life, but I, I, where are the dog masks? They're gone. They're not the dog anymore. They're the targeted. So they are the road favorite

defending champs and they got their feet up. Take the points. I'm saying, I'm saying Eagles minus three road victory. No sweat here. All right. Here's it. Here's an interesting one played out in Wembley stadium, the Seahawks minus three. I guess technically a home game for the Raiders. They're fine. They're playing some real football out in London. Bill, which way you leaning on this game? Well, I love John Gruden, but I still don't think he's gotten his team where it needs to be. And P Carroll is a beast. And I just, you know, I don't even think we were playing over in Europe last time Gruden coached. He's got the oldest team in the NFL. They're going

to be all cranky from the flight. I don't know. I, I'm thinking what, what's the C what how much Seahawks given Seahawks are only laying three only. I don't like you just said only that direction. I'm already, I'm already tipping my hand. I guess I think, yeah, I think they're going to have problems containing their quarterback. They breakers will have problems containing their, their quarterback. So I'm going to go with Seattle. I mean, I just want, I want to see the, I just want to see the, the, the documentary on Gruden in London. That's all John Gruden said, quote, he's not a good flyer and gets anxious on long plane rides. Interesting fact. The Raiders, they're not flying out to London until Friday,

which I always feel is a bad sign. Carol, he got on the plane, you know, a couple of days early. So the Seahawks are already out in London. I, I think that's going to be walking around Buckingham Palace going, he is kind of scary when a, when an old guy choose that much gum and has that much energy. It's, it's a little unsettling. I'll tell you what's unreal. He's the oldest coach in the NFL. He looks great. He looks great dude. He's like the Dick Clark or coaches. Yeah. He's, he's kind of reminds me of Jack LaLaine, just like an old guy, gray hair,

super jack, tons of energy. He must be juicing or something. He's juicing the positive way just with beats and talents. Yeah. Classic, classic Seattle guy. Listen, I know you don't want to say the Seahawks that was kind of their Superbowl at home against the Rams. They lost that game. That was a tough loss. Maybe they, maybe they don't get up for this game, but I, I just don't think the serators team is right. Gruden, I think is having trouble adjusting to the modern game. He hasn't been able to fix car. I just don't see the writer showing up here. When's the last time you flew like a nine hour flight and then you play a game 18 hours later,

but that doesn't seem right. I usually have to sleep for a solid eight to 10 hours at the Seahawks. The thing is that they're, they're avoiding London's food. That's a good thing that that could play to their advantage. Yeah. Many of them are listening, go there and get the Indian food. Avoid the actual, yeah. Yeah. Avoid the food. They actually make just John Gruden with a giant plate of bangers and mash. Just the entire team that English breakfast, everything just give a couple of fry ups. Blood, blood pudding, super gross sounds, sounds delicious. Yeah. I just, I think there's plenty of science and I'm sure Gruden's not up on the science. I'm, there's

plenty of science on why you want to get there early. So just knowing that I love the Seahawks. Yeah. Good spot for the Seahawks. Good matchup. Final game of the three we're picking with Bill here, the Kansas city chiefs head into New England for Sunday night football right now. The Pats coming off the long rest, three and a half point home favorites against the Kansas city chiefs favorite. You know what? This is such a weird game because the Jaguars man handled the Patriots and then Kansas city played the Jags like a month later and plate portals look like he shouldn't even be in the NFL. So it's one of those things was like when the Patriots played the Jaguars with, where the Patriots not as bad as they

seemed and the Jaguars weren't as good or is Kansas City that good? Oh, three points at home. This is the thing why I'm going to take the Patriots, which this makes me nervous here. I would never tease this game either. The only thing that, the only, the thing that's tipping it is that Kansas city has the worst defense and I'm not buying last week, even though they look solid. I'm just not buying. Oh, I don't know. Cause I don't think our, I don't think our defense is good. And I was kind of making fun of how much, you know, that Patrick Mahomes, I mean, the way they're hyping this, cause he has four nicknames and Brady has rings. Showtime Mahomes. He threw that ball with his off hand. I hope you realize

what you just saw. I saw Brett Barb do that a thousand times. Everybody relax. I think it's cause Brady's going to leave soon. Drew Brees is going to leave soon. And they, they, they, they, they need somebody to, to step it up. And I think that guy will step it up. And they also shellacked us a year ago, but are there enough guys left on the team that care? Brady cares, Brady cares and he's got Edelman back and he's got the guy likes to have a few from Cleveland. Josh Gordon. Yeah. Good Lord. What do you, you know what? I'm going to go with the Patriot. I can't, I can't pick. I just like people listen, don't take that as advice. That's my art.

This is a really great time to sell the chief stock and Sean, we like to look at what the public's up to. Yeah. 68% of the tickets on the chiefs. And yet this line has gone from three to three and a half. What does that tell you? The money is on the Patriots. The hook is there to scare you. Lay the hook. Come on. This is, this is the classic like, Hey, Andy Reed beat the shit out of Bill Belichick week one last year. You think Belichick doesn't remember that? Yeah. I just don't see candy. Read is a monster in September. He's the last guy you want to run into in September. You want to see a guy in January. He's a little tired. He's kind

of a monster year round. Big fella. Oh man. I always crack up that. Remember that the Kool-Aid gift of him running through the wall or the punt passing kick that they always show of him going up against other eight, nine year olds when he was eight, nine, and he was still like twice their size. Listen, Andy Reed, he competed in one of those. Oh yeah. I'll have to send you the video. It's, it's an all time classic. He's literally two and a half times the size of all the other kids. God bless them. He's a good coach, but the extra rest. And I think they kind of figured out their offense and the chiefs, the defensive backfield is not right. Like the Jags offense on the road is way different than, than the

Pats at home. So I think the Patriots, they cover the three and a half. How would you play a different defense when you're on the road? You honestly think the crowd makes that big. I don't understand those, those guys have like literally 300 pound people running at them at a four, four click and they're worried about some guy dressed up like overfed in the crowd. Oh my God. That face paint threw me off. I think really what it is, is they, they talk so much about how the snap count makes a huge difference where the offense that they're going up against when they're at home, they have to go on silent count a lot. And it's, it's much easier to get a better jump on the ball when you're on

the road, the, the crowd noises against you. And I think it makes, you know, and not to mention those late nights, cause you're on the road, which means you're probably dabbling in some side action. Lauren's Taylor style, the prostitutes coming to the hotel. I don't know if you can do that now with cell phone cameras. That's true. That's true. It's a real, it's a simpler time back when LT could just, every team has a Ray Donovan. I'm sure of that. It does seem like there's, there's probably some still shenanigans going on. Kramer close things out here. Are you on the Pats as well?

Yeah. No, I'm definitely, I, I think, you know, I like to play, I play against the market. And I think everyone sees the chiefs and like Bill's saying, like Pat Mahomes can do no wrong. He's the greatest thing. The left hand, the reaction to the left-handed throw was like, Oh my God, Eli Manning has three of those in his career. Like that's not a sign of a great athlete. He said, he said about that game. They said he came in as a legend. Guys got like five starts. He's already a legend. So, and now they're comparison, comparing him to Steph Curry. And it's, it's a little

bit like no one's willing to say it, but like, are we just saying this because he's light-skinned all, I mean, He is a light-skinned black guy with curly hair. And all of a sudden they're the same player. Nothing, nothing like Steph Curry at all. Like how is slinging 80 mile an hour fastball football is anything like shooting a three-pointer. Nothing. Anyway, good. Sorry. Good time to sell on the Pats or sorry. Sell on the chiefs. I'm buying the Pats. You could have gotten the Pats to win that division a week or two ago for like minus 300. It's now minus 900. Sean, man, easy money, easy money every year.

Oh, he's just passing up on the Pats to win the division. Just it's better than any sort of stock you can invest in. All right, Bill, before we let you go, throw out a, throw it a lock for a week six here in the NFL. God, I didn't have a chance to look at it. So I got to go outside the game. What, what is the lock? I don't know. Any, any other sort of a lead pipe predictions that you have for this weekend? If the Patriots beat Kansas city will then be odds on favorite to win the Superbowl. If we lose to Kansas city, they'll start asking, is this Brady's last year? That's my lock. Lock it up. I like it. Has he fallen off the cliff? It wouldn't be the first time the chiefs

with a chiefs defeat of the Patriots turned into, is this the end for Brady? Is this the end? It's got to end sometime. Could this be the year and he's doing, he's got that trainer. He'll be good for a while. Yeah. Him and Greer. I got to figure out the spongy muscle. I don't know if you heard about that. It's not all hard and all tight and everything. It's like, if you know, when you go to do the dishes, you know, that little sponge, it's like that. It's very malleable. That's Tom Brady's go watch this dude run the 40 at the combine and tell me he's not a better athlete at 41. Like what, what something's going on? Come on. Something's going on. He's, he's getting younger. His time goes on, but yeah,

clearly the paths are doing the Kobe thing. He probably got his blood spun. You got some stem cells in there. A couple of embryos. He, you know, he uses that as a pillow or something. I don't know what he's doing. He looks amazing. Sure does. All right. Well, Bill, appreciate you calling in as always. Make sure you guys check out F is for family season three coming out in November on Netflix, Vince Vaughn joining the cast. And as always, appreciate you calling in Bill. All right, guys. Thanks so much for having me. I appreciate it. Once again, Bill Burr brought to you by the good folks over at my bookie dot a G the official online sports book of the sports gambling podcast. Use that promo code bill bets for

a 100% deposit bonus play, win and get paid over at my bookie dot a G. Hey, what's going on? It's bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 11, 2010. How the hell are you? Are you doing good? Well, that's good. I had all this shit that I wanted to talk about. And then I was looking at these fucking emails and right off the bat, I got one from low and behold, douchebag of the fucking week. Guys names Brad, of course, his fucking names, Brad. You know, what else would it would a mother and father name a douchebag baby other than Brad? This is from Brad. Bill, I was hoping that I could find your podcast on iTunes yet another week passes by where

your fans cannot listen to your show. No problem with that right to that. Then he goes, you might want to make that a priority sometime too. I can just fucking see his bare feet and his fucking penny loafers. What are you leaning on my cubicle? You fucking cunt. Really? Do I really want to make that a priority? You dumb fuck. You don't think I'm not trying to contact iTunes? They don't have a fucking person who answers their phones. They ignore my goddamn emails. What am I supposed to do? Go down to Main Street, right down on Main Street to the fucking mom and pop fucking Mr. and Mrs. iTunes store. It doesn't exist. You douche. You might want to make that a priority fucking soon. I want to slap you

right in your privileged fucking Connecticut white face and I don't give a fuck if you're not white and even not from Connecticut because you should be with that fucking tone. What a cunt. Cunt of the week, Brad. Go fuck yourself. All right. I'm trying to get this thing back up on iTunes. They're not responding to me. What am I supposed to do? They don't have a location. This is the exact shit I've been fucking trying to tell you guys about. It starts with those goddamn automated machines down at the fucking grocery store. You're siding with the fucking robots. Some of that made sense. You know what did. Seriously. This is the future. This is what a store is going to be. You're not going to be able to get

in contact with anybody. You're going to have a problem and you can basically go fuck yourself and then some other fucking nerd whose only job is going to be fucking grease the elbow with a fucking robot that took his job is going to send me an email. Tell me that I need to make something a priority. Why don't you go fuck yourself, buddy? Why don't you make that a priority sometime soon? All right. What a fuck. I swear to God. You might want to make that a priority sometime soon. Oh, that fucking stuff shirt. Fucking hang you by your goddamn tie. Brad, you fucking cunt. Go fuck yourself. I'm glad you told all your friends to listen to it and now they can't. Huh? What's that fucking with you and your

goddamn ego? Do you have a position at work? Little fucking corner office, Brad? Fucking moron. Telling me I need to. Breathing. You might want to make that a priority. Why don't you tell me something fucking else obvious? All right. There you go. There's your head esteem for the week. Douchebag of the week. Good old Brad. I had no idea. Really? If it wasn't on iTunes and people couldn't download it anymore, like that would present some sort of a problem and drop my listenership. You think I don't realize that? Brad, you fucking dick. On Columbus Day. Can you believe I'm in this kind of a fucking move on Columbus Day? You know, this is a great day in sort of white history when that Spaniard came over

here who kind of look white because of his brown hair. Didn't he have brown hair? Wasn't he Spanish or did he just sail for the Spanish? I can't even fucking keep the damn story straight. All right? In my fucking history book, he had yellow hair, you know, shiny teeth and a fucking, you know, he was in shape. Then all of a sudden they make a movie about him. It's Gerard de Padoe. Did he play him? That French fuck? He played him and he didn't even land in Florida. He lands down in the Caribbean. Starts cutting people's hands off because they're not finding blood diamonds. So which was it? You know what I love? I love like when they have like a story everybody's going by, right? About some shit that happened

fucking 500 years ago, whatever, 1000 years ago, then out of nowhere, there'll be a show on TV and they'll say new evidence suggests new evidence, five something from 500 years and you got new evidence. Really? What the fuck did you find it? Did Christopher Columbus write something down on a cocktail napkin in a bar and somebody finally cleaned out the fucking those rubber mats that they stand on and they found it? Oh, look at this. Evidently, he went down to the Caribbean and chopped people's hands off. For some reason wrote it all over this cocktail napkin. You know, I see some stuff, you know, where we thought the world was flat. New evidence suggests that maybe he didn't sail off the edge of the world. Maybe his

fucking boat sank in a storm. I can see that. That's sort of new evidence. But I mean, what, what sort of new evidence did you find? Huh? Some fucking old lady used to bang. I guess when she was fucking not even a fetus and she's still alive. I actually knew Christopher Columbus. He was a murdered son of a bitch. I don't know who the fuck knows what happened. I just like bringing that shit up so then people who are into that stuff can then send me a five page email, you know, or the lazy ones who then just search it, find it and then paste the link like they're an expert. I'm lashing out at everybody this week. It's Christopher Columbus Day, everybody, you know, and thank God he discovered America or else we wouldn't have been

here. Think about what would have happened. What wouldn't have happened if he didn't come over here? You know, from slavery to cheesecake factories, none of that would have been a possibility here. If that fucking greedy son of a bitch, it actually took a lot of balls. I think he's the first X gamer. You know what I mean? He just said, is that really, was he a scientist? Where did Christopher Columbus get the balls? Because I'll tell you right now, me being the afraid of technology person that I am, afraid of change, you know, there's no fucking way I would have gotten that boat. There's no goddamn way. I know the world's round and I won't get on a fucking boat today. What do you think about that? Are you afraid that it's going to sink, Bill? Yes, I am.

That's what I'm afraid of and I'm afraid I'm going to survive it and then sit there and pray that hypothermia sets in and numbs me up so I don't feel it when the fucking tiger shark starts nibbling on one of my fucking pasty thighs. I'm sorry, guys, this is really fucking angry. That guy just really set me off with it. That's the exact fucking reason why I became a goddamn comedian because I don't want to ever be in a position where some douche comes over, leans over into my life and tells me what I might want to make a fucking priority. You condescending fuck. What kind of a mouse of a woman did you marry? She's probably downstairs right now making a voodoo doll of you and your fucking dockers,

your fat gut hanging out. You one of those guys, huh? You always got to wear the sport coat and no one knows how fat you are until they have the office fucking, let's go play frisbee party and then you show up with your fucking mantits. Heart disease, buddy. That's what I wish on you. Go fuck yourself. Listen to another podcast. You might want to make that a priority. All right, so let's get on with the hyping for this week. I have a new show that I actually haven't even hyped on here. It's the last second. I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts and I am doing a comedy show actually for my brother who is running for state senate in Massachusetts and all proceeds will go after we pay for the theater and the state tax and though God knows

what else you got to pay, but all the proceeds are going to go towards helping him out with his campaign. So that's it. All right, it's going to be October 20th at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts. So come on down. Come on down and watch me dance around like a monkey for a fucking hour and we'll raise some money for my brother's campaign. There you go. There you go. You know, you might want to make that a priority. I'm not going to be able to get that out of my fucking head. That's the exact reason. That's why I worked in the warehouse. I never went into the carpeted area because I saw those fucking people. They had to sit there at that goddamn desk and you just saw the back of their necks when you came. You said, you know, hey, Mike, you just saw their

shoulders come up a little bit because they thought it was that cunt in the office who leans over to tell them what they might want to make a fucking priority. All right. Okay, I am back. Let's talk NFL football, everybody. Let's fucking just drive that subject into the goddamn ground, shall we? No, fuck that. We'll get to that a little bit later. Let's talk about online banking, shall we? Yeah, I was listening to AM Radio this week. You know why? Because I'm a big fan of the Phil Henry show. So I was listening to that and I just woke up the next day and I still had it on that. And you know, there was this one show where this guy was as left as Fox is right and it was completely asinine. And he was making the usual statements that idiots make who host those shows

or listen to those shows. He started saying something dumb about like, you know, when Republicans lie in Washington, no one cares. Nobody does anything about it. But if a Democrat lies, they just hold their feet to the fire. You know, that dumb shit, you know, they can do whatever they want. But if we do something, you know, it's like, really, you don't think that you're so far to one side that maybe you're just a little bit clouded in your vision. You don't really fucking notice like a sports fan, you know, like a Yankee fan, right? Some fucking eight year old pulls a routine fly ball into the stands. As long as it's a homerun for your team, you don't give a fuck, right? Then all of a sudden, if someone on the other team is fucking around, then it's a major

goddamn problem. Like every fan, I should have just picked on the Yankee fans. Should I have? I'll tell you, that was an amazing victory. They had over the twins. You see that they fucking swept those sons of bitches right in the rug. How'd you like that, Minnesota with your new stadium? What do you think that was going to make a difference? Maybe if we play outside, we won't get our asses kicked. Do you understand that you're a mom and pop store out there and you're going up against Walmart? All right. Get your grandmother off the front porch with the shotgun. It's fucking over. This is how much I don't watch baseball. I thought the Reds were in last place like they have been for like the last 10 years. So it was kind of exciting to see them in first, you know,

playing in the playoffs. Although the Phillies were spanking their fucking ass. I don't know. I got a weird relationship with Cincinnati. They beat my Red Sox in 1975. It's one of the first memories I have of being a sports fan. I didn't really know what was going on. I just remember hearing my dad screaming at the fucking TV. So they beat us then. But then I don't know. I kind of liked them. I always liked, I was a big National League fan in the 80s. I liked the Astro Turf. People stole bases. I thought Astro Turf was cool. That's how much of a child of the 70s and 80s I was. But I don't know. Now they're back kind of rooting for them, but I had such a shit weekend. Last time I was out there in fucking Norfolk, Kentucky and being in downtown Cincinnati

where there was just absolutely nothing going on past past five PM that you want to be involved in. So I don't know. I think I'm rooting for the Phillies. Is that my team? Obviously anybody who plays the fucking Yankees, I'm going to root against. But you know, you son of a bitch. You guys want to hear me take a phone call? Huh? Business phone call? Hello? What's going on? Josh, how are you? Do I sound odd right now? It's because I'm in the middle of doing my podcast. And you're not really on the air. You're up to my ear so no one can really hear anything. So if you want to trash these fucking morons, they're not morons. You know, it's just one person piss me off, told me something that I need to make a priority on my podcast. And

suddenly I felt like I had a day job. You want to email me those flights and that stuff and I'll look at it after the podcast. Oh, Jesus. Okay. All right. Hang on one second. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. All right. I'm back. Sorry. That turned out to be way more important. I thought he was going to say, do you want to fly to Seattle at this hour or at this hour? Anyways, what the hell was I talking about? God damn it. I was talking about Democrats, Republicans, who gives a fuck. What's talking about? Oh, it's talking about baseball. It's talking about baseball. Yeah, I don't even know what's going on in there. I know Marianne Rivera is still playing, right? He still comes out. They play a little

Enter Sandman. You know, he doesn't even like that song. How fucking funny is that? Bill, it's actually not funny. Kind of like the last three minutes of this fucking podcast. All right. All right. All right. Let's move on with some subjects here. Do I have anything? How about we talk about, let's talk about Randy Moss getting fucking traded by the goddamn Patriots. This is, I don't know. What the fuck was I just going to say there? I'm looking at like 15 different things right now, people. That's what I need. I need to regroup. All right. First of all, I had a weird week in football because this week my team had a buy, you know, and it's just such like a fucking, I don't know. It's the weirdest guy. It's like that

phantom limb syndrome. You're reaching for it. It's just not fucking there. You know, I like when you go to a mall and you can't remember where the fuck you parked and you just spend enough goddamn hour just searching, riding around in the golf cart with that fucking security guard. Press the alarm key. Press the alarm key. You think I'm not doing that? You think I'm not doing that? So anyways, yeah, the Patriots traded Randy Moss. So I got a bunch of emails from the happy jet fans and they're sitting there going like, Oh, what are they fucking morons? What the fuck would you fucking go fucking fucking that for? And I think it's the obvious. I think he was, I think he was being a problem in the fucking locker room. Why else would you trade him? Why

would you trade Randy Moss for a fucking third round pick? Why would you do that? What level of a cunt would you have to be in order to make that happen? I know what a lot of people are going to say. Well, the Patriots are saying we never had a fucking problem with it. What do you think they're going to say? They're trying to get that out of their fucking locker room. So I actually had one had this big back and forth with this dude because I was trying to talk to him about like he was trying to tell me how fucking dumb it was that the Patriots traded that guy. And I'm just, it's just like, haven't you seen TOs? Haven't you seen Stefan Marbury's? You haven't seen these guys that got all the talent in the fucking world, but they don't, they're not even focused on whether

they're winning or losing. They're just looking at their fucking stats. And when halftime comes around, if they don't have their fucking 15 points already or their five fucking catches or somebody else has more catches than them, they start acting cunty, which affects the mood in the goddamn locker room. So I was talking to this dude about team chemistry, fucking intangibles, which he thought was ridiculous. He's like, are you one of these people who talks about intangibles? It doesn't matter. It's all about what you do on the fucking field. Really? Intangibles was the reason why I knew Peyton Manning wasn't as good as Tom Brady when it really came down to it. Because that guy, as far as dropping back, throwing a ball, making a completion, has it all over Tom Brady.

He's at least 30% better in all of those categories. His stats are at least 30% better. But the fucking intangible is what goes on between your fucking ears when the pressure is on. And all of a sudden, it fucking counts in the whole seasons on the line. What do you do? Do you drive your team down for a score or do you throw a fucking pick six? Do you lead your team to victory or do you lose to the eight and eight chargers? If you're frustrated, do you fucking hold it in and turn it into something positive and lead your team or do you openly show it? Like I saw him do again yesterday against the Kansas City Chiefs. He had Peyton face. I can't get the ball where I want it to be. Yeah, why don't you bitch again to get a new fucking rule chain so Kansas City can't play

fucking defense on you? Do you guys notice Kansas City has Romeo Cromel and Charlie Weiss? They basically have our offensive and defensive coordinator from back in the day. Smart sons of bitches over there and they were doing the exact same shit that the Patriots used to do. They just didn't have the personnel to do it for 60 fucking minutes and Peyton had the exact same fucking look on his face that he had from 020304 when he couldn't beat the fucking Patriots. That, sir, is what I'm talking about. That's why people say Derek Jeter is better than A-Rod despite A-Rod's fucking stats. I'm telling you, Derek Jeter, you can build a team around that. I can't build a team around fucking A-Rod. You know, during the moment when he's supposed to be getting, you know,

he's supposed to, you know, you're in a three game fucking losing streak and you need the captain to step up, you know, say something, get the guys going. A-Rod's over in the corner putting fucking lip balm on. He's not a goddamn leader. He's over there staring at himself in the fucking mirror. I don't know. The fuck are you gonna say? You know, look, this is, this is how I look at it. If you trade a guy as good as Randy Moss for a third round pick out of fucking nowhere, he did something so cunty that they just said, you know what? It's like the lock the door test in a Bronx tail. He did something and this was just the tip of the iceberg. We're fucking out. And you know, didn't you know deep in your heart, Patriots fan, didn't you know

that eventually does it ever end good with Randy? Has he ended well with any team? Remember with the Vikings? Yeah, sometimes I take a few plays off, you know, goes out to Oakland because they're like, oh, this guy's a head case. We always take on head cases and then all of a sudden they become good guys. He's a fucking problem there and he did the same thing out here. So so what are you gonna do? What the fuck are you gonna do? What do you think the Patriots were gonna win it? Have you seen our defense? Even though we beat the fucking Dolphins, didn't we look like we were in a prevent defense from the fucking first quarter on? So I don't know. I'm not that fucking freaked out about it. Considering when I look at the receivers that

we had when we won Super Bowls, we didn't have a Jerry Rice level. Unless you think David Patton was that guy. I mean, I don't fucking know. Whatever. We have a goddamn system at the bottom line is his Randy's a fucking head case and the Patriots are an arrogant miserly franchise. Okay, so we don't tolerate. Look at we like the Patriots don't fucking tolerate you being a cut in the locker room and I think he was done the second he had that stupid fucking press conference saying I think there's people here in New England that don't want to see me do well. Oh, Jesus Christ, go take your fucking goddamn tampons and go to fucking Minnesota. And you know what he's gonna do out there tonight? You think I don't know he's not gonna get 180 fucking

yards tonight? He's gonna do exactly what Manny did when he went to the Dodgers. He's gonna try for like fucking six weeks because he wants to, you know, show everybody he's not the guy that he fucking is. But eventually that'll all go south. You know, Jesus, what a cluster fuck tonight is huh? Randy Moss is in town. You got Rex Ryan. He's talked all that shit and Brett Farve showed everybody his dick. I know what a lot of you were probably thinking how fucking stupid do you have to be this day and age to be famous? Take a picture you'd unit and fucking send it to somebody. How fucking dumb do you have to be? I'm telling you right now, you're looking at it the wrong way. All right, what you really have to see is the level of ass that you get when you

play quarterback for a football team. What you see in Brett Farve, because my first thing was like when he did that, I was just like, well, why didn't he just fucking verbally close the deal? Why don't you just go up, talk some shit, make her laugh, get her fucking number and then go out with her. I'm Brett Farve. I like wrangled jeans. You want to see my dick? I mean, like what the, what kind of fucking game? And I mean, it was like this guy has no fucking game with women because he never had to. He's like the classic all American fucking Dudley Do-Right face and he's the quarterback of the team probably from junior high on. Jicks were just coming up to him. Oh my god, Brett. Oh my god, it's Brett Farve. Brett, how did you do that? Oh, thank you. Thank

you. You want to see my dick? Where's he from? Mississippi? You can do that still in Mississippi. You can walk down the street with your dick hanging out of your overalls. No one gives a shit. Look at that boy with the dick hanging out. You want to go fishing? They don't give a shit. His whole fucking career. He's been the fucking man. And when you're the man, the fucking who is don't give a shit. They fucking stampede you. I bet that that was his game. Just like fucking Ben Rothlisberger. I'm starting to think that that guy wasn't a goddamn sex offender. I just think he's been the quarterback. He's been the man. So he has no game. So he just walks into a bar and he's like, tits. And he just reaches over and grabs him.

So I don't think that those guys are morons. I look at them the same way when people look at someone who grew up in the inner city, you know, and they didn't have access to the good books. And their school was a fucking war zone. And if you stuck anybody in there, they also would come out and would be at a fucking, you know, seventh grade reading level. Right? The same way with me or anybody else. If I was the fucking man, if I was the quarterback from fucking junior high on, I'd be hanging out at Hooters. Just grabbing titties. You want to see my dick? I love that he did that. I love that he did that, you know, because you see him do all that shit on TV and you're like, Jesus Christ. I couldn't hit a golf ball as far as that guy

can throw a fucking football. What happened to me genetically? What the fuck is wrong with me? And then Brett Favre does something like that. He takes a picture of his dick and then sends it to somebody and it's just like, I don't know. You know, it's just, there's something, it's just fucking hilarious. So evidently, are they going to do these stupid pink uniforms for the rest of the, I mean, how are you not aware of breast cancer at this point? You know, goddamn NFL. Don't you have enough fans? We'll even appeal to fucking women with breast cancer. Show that we care. You know, it's a fucking, you know what's saying, I know that sounds fucking mean, but I'm telling you, that was how that decision was made. And I know because I wasn't in

the meeting, I just lump all corporations into the same shit bag. That's what I do. All right, here's a guy actually says underrated, overrated this week. He said, and he's talking about the shit he was saying, overrated. Breast cancer is a terrible thing, but why does it take precedent over all other forms of cancer to the point where everyone in the NFL has to spend a month of October looking like they're in the heart foundation, all for the sake of breast cancer awareness? Who isn't aware? It's the number one killer of women, we're told. Apparently though, it's actually number seven behind six under six other things that men also die of. Oh, that's interesting. So I guess they mean it's the number one killer

of women only. I don't know. Granted, men do in rare cases also get breast cancer, but it's clearly not about them. I don't think anyone could go through a benefit for a man with breast cancer without giggling a little. What's the number one killer of men? I have no idea. No one does. Prostate cancer, September is prostate cancer awareness month, which I didn't know until I Googled it. Prostate cancer needs the breast cancer PR team. Colon cancer, they get a brown ribbon. To quote my friend Nate, can you think of a more I don't give a shit color than brown? So there you go. Yeah, you know, I thought it was cool last year that they did it, but it's like every year are they going to be wearing pink?

You know, I just, you know, what the fuck and everybody's got a goddamn ribbon. You know what's funny is when they did it last year, it actually had effect. You know where I was just like, Oh, what the fuck are they wearing pink for? Oh, breast cancer awareness. And then then it's over. Then it's over. And now you're making Jaws 2 and no one gives a shit. Right. Spielberg isn't directing. It's over. It's over. We got it. We're aware. We are aware. All right. Overrated. The faux hair, faux hawk style. The only reason it's overrated is because you don't, you don't have a segment on your podcast called fucking gay. If you want a Mohawk, that's cool. Just man up and do it the right way.

So there you go. There you go. I gotta admit, guys, you know what? For the last 10 minutes, I felt like I had absolutely nothing to talk about. I know what's going on in my life. I'm thinking about buying a fucking house. Let's talk about my life for a second. I'm thinking about buying a fucking house out here. And I live in a bankrupt state in a city that technically has no water supply. And they want about 1.2 to 1.4 million dollars for anything remotely fucking decent out here. And I can't do it. I'm not, you know, I'm not going to be one point something million dollars in debt. I'll be on the road for the rest of my fucking life. So I've been going on the internet

and I've been looking at places in the middle of nowhere. And I've been trying to figure out how I can live in the middle of fucking nowhere without A, losing my mind and B, somehow still existing in this business. And I realized I can't fucking do it. You know? How many movie stars live in fucking Wyoming? I know they got ranches out there, but they wait till they're fucking famous before they go out there. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. God damn it. I'm a typical fucking American. You know what? You think I want some little ass fucking house? I don't. I want a fucking spread. I want a big ass goddamn house. I want a fucking pool inside and outside.

I want a goddamn. I know what I want and it's going to be fucking ridiculous. But you know what's funny is you, if, if whatever your job is, if it doesn't involve you having to be there, like these people who work from home on their computers, you can actually have an MTV Cribs level house. You just have to live in like fucking, you know, the upper east corner of Montana. You know? Granted, you're going to get attacked by a fucking bobcat every time you go out to try to fucking grill a hot dog. Oh, fuck. What the fuck are you going to do? You guys want some YouTube videos for the week? Do you? Well, I don't give a shit if you don't, because here they come. All right, YouTube, NRL gets knocked out. This is a referee getting

knocked out. And I think it's rugby. And you got to see this because the guy who knocks out inadvertently knocks out the referee might be one of the most unathletic, unathletic guys I've ever seen in my life. He looks like some guy in Times Square who's trying to charge you too much for a fucking digital camera. And he's got a fat round face. If he had any sort of athletic ability, he would have been able to jump over the ref instead of kneeing him in the back of the fucking head. But I got to tell you something, this unathletic douchebag, he knocks this ref the fuck out. Like I'm surprised this guy didn't die. This fucking pudgy jackass is running full speed. And it's the most pathetic attempt to hurtle. This guy couldn't hurtle a fucking tube sock,

and he's trying to hurtle this fucking guy. And he just, you know, you know, you know, you know the form you have when you're hurtle, one leg's outstretched and the other one's bent. It's the bent knee. And he's got all that fucking pudgy weight coming and he just fucking knees him right in the back of the head. And that guy just goes limp. All right, this is one, this one's actually funny and scary. It's called Turkish Guy Goes Bananas. And I believe he screams Allah. And he looks like he attempts to do that. You ever see those people, like the break dancers or whatever the fuck they are, or dancers in general, and they do that thing where they jump up in the air like sideways like a deer and sort of do like a 360. They're almost like parallel to the ground.

And then they somehow land and they jump up and they do it again. This guy is basically doing that, but he's too fat, not a shape. So he's just sort of, he's just sort of rolling around on the ground, but he gets his legs and his arms out. It's a pretty, he's very sort of Belushi-esque where he's pudgy, but he's very light on his feet. Here's another great one. This is about his rock and roll as it gets. Swedish singer Vomits during performance. It's just phenomenal, the type of music he's singing, the fact that he doesn't stop. He's singing like that death metal like Oh, and then occasionally he'd be like, and then he actually is puking as he's going. It's awesome. Loud car, horn prank. These are all things that you can search or you can also go

to themmpodcast.com and we'll have all of these, the official, themmpodcast.com, the official fan webpage of the Monday morning podcast that is no longer on iTunes. Okay. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. We've called these people. We've emailed them. They have not gotten back to us and they're probably, I'm going to get, serve some sort of papers for stocking at this point because that's what I feel like. I feel like it was a girl that I went out. I had a good time, evidently she didn't. And you know, I went through the whole roommate lying to me phase. You know, hello. Yeah. Hey, it's Bill. Is iTunes there? Uh, yeah. No. Um, iTunes is in the shower. Oh yeah. Do you know when, when, when they're

going to be out? Um, I don't know. It's 29 minutes. I say 20. Yeah. 29 minutes. Okay. Fucking half hour later. Hey, Bill. Is iTunes there? Um, yeah. No, they're still in the shower. But doing that for fucking two weeks and, uh, you know, it's that classic, classic fucking corporate shit where they have themselves completely insulated. We'll get back to you if we fucking feel like it. iTunes, we own the tunes. Fucking cunts. You know, I saw, I think, um, when I was listening on AM radio, did I already talk about this or did I start to talk about this? They were talking about online banking. Okay. The shit never back on the day when I was talking about that going, you have to be

out of your fucking mind to pay bills or to do any sort of online banking because someone's going to steal your identity and take all the money out of your bank account. Well, guess what? That's exactly what's happening. All these morons who sent me emails going, dude, I don't even have to go to the post office. I don't have to lick a fucking stamp. It's so fucking easy. That's what I love about computers. Everything's so fucking easy. And then you get raped in the ass. And then, then, then, then no one ever addresses it. That goes, Hey, maybe, maybe back in the day, it was a little bit better. Like people sitting there going, uh, they were talking about when I was bitching about that going, I don't pay bills online. I'm not

having all that information online for any fucker in the world who has an ability to hack into shit to come after my stuff. I just don't want that to happen. And then these fucking morons are going, Well, what about the guy down the post office? Like that guy has access to the entire fucking world down the post office. Even though he does have access to my shit, there's actually cameras on those people. And yeah, he might get me, but they're going to get him. They get those guys and those guys go to fucking jail as opposed to someone on the internet who can look at everybody's shit once they break into it. So evidently they're saying that if you are dumb enough to bank online that they're saying don't use

the same computer that, uh, that you bank with to do like email with, because evidently that's how they get in. I have no idea, but someone told me a while ago that all my information is already up on the fucking internet anyways, because my Cunty bank put it up there just in case. I want to, I want to bank online. It's like, no, it's not just in case. It's because you're phasing out fucking cash and this is the direction you're taking my money. I don't know, man. I have a real, I got a real fucking problem with banks. Hey, what's up? What are you laughing at? Nia's here, everybody. Come on in. This has just been a real negative podcast. Come over here. You just had a what? I just had a great conversation with somebody.

Oh yeah? Did they tell you that, you know, you needed to make anything a priority? No, they didn't. Okay. Who were you talking to? I was talking to an actress and she was just positive and awesome and it was great. I know you're doing your podcast. Can I ask you a question? Why are you with me? Why am I with you? Yeah. Why are you fucking with me? I'm fucking like this Chromogeny old man. I'm sitting here going off on online banking and I, and I realized I got halfway through it that I really didn't have enough facts. I had AM radio on the other day and I felt like I knew something. Yeah. I don't know. Why am I with you? Because I love you. Oh, Jesus. Get out of here. Wow. It's supposed to be funny. Yes, it's supposed to be funny.

Oh, okay. So I'm supposed to say something clever and I think the moment passed. I think the moment passed. The moment passed. All right. Well, that's great. You had a nice positive. What are you going to do now? Eat something healthy? I'm going for a hike. Okay. Say hello to the bobcats. She hates me right now. Nia, I thought you were going to come over and trash me. That's your job on the podcast. You're not supposed to come over and tell me you love me. All right. You know something? This podcast started out with such promise. Kind of like Randy Moss. You know, we went 16 and 0. Here we go. We're going to have a fucking undefeated season. Oh, fuck, 18 and 1. Well, whatever there's next year, Tom Brady gets his knee blown out. Fuck.

All right. Tom Brady's coming back. We get raped by the fucking Ravens. Wait, this is actually a Patriots thing. I was starting off with Randy Moss and then Randy starts fucking pouty with his itchy goddamn beard. What a fucking moron. You know, who knows? Maybe he'll become a great analyst like Kishan Johnson. Kishan Johnson was the greatest one I ever saw where Tampa Bay just sent him home. They didn't even try to get anything for him. They were just like, yeah, Kishan, why don't you just leave? Just fucking just go home. What, like for the rest of the day? No, for good. Just go. And then I saw him later on that night on ESPN and he was wearing like a USC jersey and he completely could give a fuck. And it was just, you know,

then turned out to be a great analyst. All right, let's continue with the YouTube shit. Loud car, horn prank. Woman's segue crash is a great one. If you always wanted to punch a woman but didn't want to go to jail for it, you can at least watch one basically punch yourself with the floor of a hotel and gay hipster fight. That's a great one. Gay hipster fight. Evidently that's got a ton of hits. Let's get back to the fucking, let's just try to go with some topics and maybe I can pull myself out of the mud here. This is called dick at work. Bill, I work with a hoarder. On top of that, the dude seems to pride himself on saying douche chilling stuff that makes your head shake. He's also one of those guys that throws everyone else under the bus when he's called out by the manager

for his mess. Example of douche chilling sayings. The first day, the first day we were in our current office, he walks up to a group of us and sees that we're doing the getting to know you banter. He opens up with a supposed story from his frat days that ended up with him naked with, with a mayonnaise jar. Jesus Christ. Example, I like how this guy is just really very efficient. Example of under the bus throwing. Commencing. Example of under under the bus throwing. All right, here we go. When he was told why he has so much stuff, when he was told why he has so much stuff, he pointed out my friend's cubicle. Oh, when he was asked, you mean when he was asked why he has so much stuff, I guess, in his work area. He pointed out my friend's cubicle that had a bunch of Batman

stuff tastefully decorating the desk and wall. Someone else had Mickey Mouse stuff in the same way which he dismissed as Disneyland. Always one of those guys. He's like Kobe Bryant. Most Shaq rapes girls too. Remember that? Fucking cunt. First of all, can we get to your friends who have, I can see if a female has Mickey Mouse stuff. You know what I mean? That's always creepy, isn't it? You know that the girl who's adult, fully developed, gone through puberty and actually has a car pavement and still acts like they're fucking eight years old. And I always thought that that was creepy. You go and you go to hook up with them and they have stuffed animals on their babies. They're a little wookie pokey. Right? And there was just, you felt like a fucking pedophile.

So listen to this. Last week, I did Love Line with Psycho Mike and Dr. Drew. I had a great time on the show and I was absolutely fucking blown away by just the advice Dr. Drew gives and how he gets right to the root of the problem and then like his Hannibal Lecter ability. Remember the fucking silence of the lambs where he would just look at somebody's shoes and could tell what the fuck happened to him when they were like 11? Like Dr. Drew was doing that shit. Like some girl called up. Ah, fuck it. I might as well tell the story. She calls up and like, hey, you're on Love Line. You know what's going on? And then she's just like, yeah, my boyfriend's trying to have sex with me. It like really hurts. It like, you know, it like really, really hurts. And right off the back,

he goes, what happened to you when you were six? And basically figured out that right around that she didn't admit it. He asked if she had ever been touched. Here I'm laughing at fucking being molested. I'm not laughing at this shit. I was just blown away. You know, he asked her and he said, no, she was like, I wasn't touched, but my cousins were touched. I had to go to the trial and fucking. And I asked him, I was like, how the fuck did you do that? And he goes, when I heard her, I heard a six year old. The way she talked, I heard a fucking six year old. And sometimes when that shit happens, you know, it's so overwhelming that they just this arrested development or something is what he said. So having seen that, I mean, maybe I'm now, you know, typical moron. That's

what I do. I stand next to a smart guy for 30 seconds and then try to rephrase what the fuck he just said and try to appear smart myself. But now there's a whole new level of being creeped out when, you know, you see girls like that. And that was always the vibe I felt. Like, can you, like, you know those, you go, you go into their fucking bedroom and it's like a little girl's room. And it's like, can you get that fucking stuff off of your bed? Like the whole thing is like pink. I mean, I don't know if I'm just fucking, you know, just connecting dots now that don't even fucking exist. But now I'm looking back and all these fucking, all these whores that you see on those, that, that, that fucking old guy to playboy mansion, who have those, they walk around

with that, those stupid fucking high heels with the fuzzy pink shit, the fur on it, talking like their little girls. Is that what that means? Oh, it's just, it's fucking beyond creepy. So at this point, because of that little moment on Love Line, if I saw somebody and they had like a bunch of Mickey Mouse shit, I would, I would first figure out if, if, I don't know. Like, what's with the Batman thing? You know, what's with that guy? He has all this Batman stuff. Did he get fucking diddled when he was reading a comic book, when he was nine? So now he has this arrested development that now he's actually fucking at work. And he's sitting in there doing this adult job. But in his head, just trying to block out the trauma that

happened in his head, he just has just playing on a loop non fucking stop. Batman. You know, there's man in there. Batman. Batman. That's just fucking weird to me. Do I have anything like that? I don't. Oh, there goes that fucking theory. All right, plowing ahead. As to the hoarding, his work area is ridiculous and something of a tourist highlight. And when anyone visits our office, something of a tourist highlight when anyone visits our office, we work in a, in a four man, we work in four man areas. And since no one wants to sit with them, he's taking the initiative to expand his rubbish empire over the entire area. The dude has a problem. Since our last supervisor tried to make an example of him by banishing him to the, to a work site with no

desk and just a locker. Lo and behold, word got back to us that he started a new nest of garbage by the lockers. Why don't they just fire this guy? I don't know, whatever. It just keeps going on and on with this fucking guy and his goddamn trash. You know what this reminds you guys have a haze anybody at work. I used to work in this warehouse and we were, we were a bunch of fucking maniacs. And all day long, all we did was break balls. I've told you this shit before because we were basically mentally smart enough to work in a warehouse by the time you went third grade. You know what I mean? It's supposed to be 10 boxes according to the packing list. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. There you go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

nine, 10, 11, 12. Sorry, Sesame Street flashback. So we used to fuck around all the time and our manager had no control over us. You know, we didn't respect him. We knew he wasn't going to we wasn't going to fire us. He didn't have the goddamn heart. And at the end of the day, we got a fucking job done. So he decides that the problem is, is that we're all too fucking young. There's a level of immaturity out there because we were all in our early 20s that we, that he should hire. He hired this 38 year old guy. I actually remember his name, but I'm not going to, I don't name names on this shit. And Jesus Christ, that fucking guy's almost 60. He was like 38 and that was 22 fucking years ago. He's 60. What the fuck? So anyways,

this guy drove a fucking sky blue Chevy Cavalier station wagon, four door bare bones, factory fucking rims. The car was like three years old. He had 8,000 miles on it. All right. And this guy was a weirdo and he had these fucking glasses, these black frame glasses that nobody wore in the 80s. So we immediately started calling him Woody. We'd be, Hey, Woody, how many boxes we get over there? And this guy was just bizarre. And he come over, why you calling me Woody? Are you trying to bring me down? As he kept saying, you're trying to bring me down. Did I already tell this fucking story? This sounds oddly familiar to me. So we would just fuck with them. We would just be like, okay, at 431 today, everybody just start going, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. And that's what we

would do. He would be picking orders down in the, in the warehouse area. And we would all be picking orders with them and then out of nowhere, we would just start going, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody at the top of our fucking lungs. I know it's fucking soft morrick, but it would, and what we wouldn't say it to him, we would just fucking be saying it was really passive aggressive. Because he already talked to management about us calling him Woody. So it's like, dude, we're not calling you Woody. We're just going, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, look in your vicinity. So we do the same thing. You're trying to bring me down. You're trying to bring me down. So eventually we haze this guy so much that he fucking quit, right? He and his little

Chevy Cavalier fucking four door sky blue bare bone station wagon drove right out. And the back of my head, I was like, you know what, I got a bad feeling that motherfuckers coming back. Right around the time when people first started going postal. So it wasn't enough that we actually drove this guy out of work. One of the fucking maniacs I worked with somehow got the guy's home phone number. And the following week, he still didn't have a job. And he picked up the phone. He's like, hello. And there was 10 of us standing around the phone and we all go, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. And I always pictured him slamming the phone down and then looking up like that dude in a clockwork, work orange when he realizes the dude who came and fucking kicked

the shit out of him and raped his wife came back. That's kind of an ugly story, isn't it? You know, for, you know, for as much as people sit there and they talk about this cyber bullying and all this type of shit and how fucking horrible it is, which it is obviously, you know, I don't like how everybody tries to act like they were a victim. Well, I mean, weren't you a little bit of both? Because I know I used to get bullied. Jesus Christ, walking up the street looking like fucking that kid on the family Griffith. What the fuck is that? They have Andy Griffith. How did I come up with the family Griffith? Ah, my fucking brain is mush. Yeah, people, you immediately came walking up the street,

my fucking, my hair was orange when I was growing up. I think I didn't get the shit kicked out of me. You know, but then, you know, I got a little bit bigger. I got a couple more freckles. I got some more confidence and I just started picking on kids who were younger than I was. So now whenever I see those goddamn stories, I just, I don't know, I see both sides of it. I just see like, yeah, you shouldn't have fucking done that, but I don't judge the bully because I did shit like that. No, you guys didn't do shit like that. Ah, go fuck yourselves. All right, why don't you guys, you know what? That's the theme of this whole podcast. Everybody can go fuck themselves. That cunt just put me off in such a goddamn move. You might want to make that a

priority. Anyways, what do I got coming up this week? Let's hype my gigs, shall we? Let's try to get something positive going here. God knows, I already have to go make up with fucking Nia. I get it. I get that it's a podcast, but do you have to be mean? Um, oh, by the way, let's talk about something podcast, something podcast, something positive. My let it go DVD was the number one fucking downloaded comedy album on iTunes this week. So I want to thank all you guys for that. I really appreciate it. Keep buying it. Keep downloading the son of a bitch. If you go to billbird.com, I got a link right there. You click right on it, takes you right to amazon.com.

All right, once again, I told you, man, it makes a tremendous fucking gift just for some of you don't give a shit about. Watch this, I'm going to click on this shit right now. You're probably selling it for fucking three bucks at this point. What is it down to 10 99? You cheap cunts. 10 99. Come on. Come on, you fuckers. I already gave you the Oh Jesus pot. God damn ringtone. I made 300 bucks off that. You cheap fucks 99 cents. That's it. 300 bucks. You motherfucker. What are you guys saving up for a happy meal? You tight fucks. You know what? I always seem to be selling something that that is just completely obsolete. I sold a ringtone back when people now had the technology to make their own ringtone.

And now I'm selling a DVD next month. I'm going to be selling in brand new VCR. Everybody. No, seriously, please go out and buy it because this is the big thing about that. Just download the fucker because I want to tell you, even if you saw it on comedy central, you have not seen my stand up special yet. You haven't seen it. Hang on. Hey, let me call you right back in five minutes. You have not seen when I say I'm going to call you back in five minutes. That means about an hour and a half unless I forget. You haven't seen my special yet because it was edited. They took out two huge chunks of material. This is my I'm telling you, this is my best work so far. I really want you to fucking see it and then buy tickets to my show so I can buy a big goddamn house and have

a pool inside and outside and then just sit there and still be sad and depressed and realize that I need to work on myself. That's the goal, people. That is definitely the goal. So let's hype the gigs I got this week or coming up in the next week. I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts, October 20th and all proceeds after they're done taxing us and paying for the theater are going to go to my brother's campaign who's running for state senate just to let you know. All right. I got to put that out there legally. That's what you're going there. That's what you're supporting. If you don't support his message, please do not go. I'm not trying to trick anybody. This is all in the up and up. All right. And then after that, I'm going to be

on October 22nd. I'm going to be at the Pantages Theatre in Minneapolis, Minnesota. On the 23rd, I'm going to be at the Vic Theatre in Chicago, Illinois. The following week, I have one night only at the Funny Bone in St. Louis, Missouri on October 30th. One night only. October 30th at the Funny Bone in St. Louis. And I'm hanging around an extra day and I'm going to go to the Rams. How about those fucking lions, huh? I stayed away from them this week. Oh, that's what the fuck I was going to talk about. You know, I did, I did my, I picked my three teams this week again. All right. You want to know who the fuck I had? See if I got it here. I had Atlanta, first Cleveland, given three points. It's like there's no way the Browns are going to win two

weeks in a row and fuck that man, Jeannie, that rat cunt who sat in a goddamn getaway car during the bank robbery and then ratted out the guys in the bank, that fucking rat bastard. So I took Atlanta, I won that game. Then I had two four o'clock games. I had Tennessee Titans getting seven points versus the Cowboys, right? My buddy Paul Verzi says he's told me he goes all Vince Young does his win. And I don't know, Tony Romo just doesn't do it for me. He just fails at a very high level, throws for 350, 400 yards and they still somehow lose. Although another one of my buddies is telling me it's the play calling. It's not his fault, but I just felt like seven points was a lot of fucking points. So now I'm two and oh, and I'm like, holy shit, I got the goddamn San Diego Chargers

getting six points versus the Oakland Raiders. I might go three and oh and actually start gambling for fucking real. If I can pick them like this, this is ridiculous. So San Diego has the fucking ball that down by one point and they're on like Oakland's 10 yard line and I'm just sitting there. I already got my arms in the air. I'm like, worst case scenario, they kick a field goal, they miss it. They're only down by one and Oakland's just going to run out the clock. I'm going to win this. I'm getting six points either fucking way. San Diego kicks the goddamn ball. I'm going to win by eight. They missed a field goal. They run it out. I'll still clear my bet by five points. And this is why I don't gamble. Fucking Phillip Rivers goes back to pass, brings his arm back,

some defensive end, slaps the fucking ball out of his hand. It's a fumble. Somebody from the Raiders picks the ball up and runs like fucking 90 yards for a touchdown. And I end up losing the goddamn bet. And I'm going to tell you right now, people that right there is why I don't gamble. That's why I don't gamble. So, well, let me see if I would have won, even if I teased it, because if you tease it on a three team tease, don't you get like nine points? Because I would have won my first week and I still think I think I would have won, right? Hang on one second. So they ended up losing by eight points. Yeah, I would have won. If I teased it, I still would have fucking won. Wouldn't I? Don't you get nine points on a three team tease? I should have fucking done that, man. I would have

won two out of three weeks. All right. I'm going to start putting my picks up on the the mmpodcast.com so you guys can follow along. I might even ask Verzi if we'll put both of ours up and you can watch right now. We're both five and four for the year. So I went two and one this goddamn week. And as far as the Monday night game tonight, who do you like? Who do you like? The Jets or the Vikings? I got to go with the Jets. I just think, you know, Brett Farve still trying to tuck his goddamn unit away. But I think Randy Moss, I don't know. I don't know. Is Rivas back? Is he back from Rivas Island? Fucking fag. Randy beat me. Is he going to grab for his fucking hamstring again when fucking Randy beats him again over the top when he has no help?

When he's one on one? That was my favorite play of the year. Watching Randy Moss just skipping down the sandy beaches of fucking Rivas Island. That insecure bastard. Who would ever come up with that? Because when you come to Rivas Island, there's no way to get off unless you have a boat. Okay there, Rivas. Anyways, I think that that's the podcast for this week. Please, if you're in the Boston area and you want to come down and help support my brother's campaign, that's a big thing. This is the last second date that we're adding. So we're trying to hope we can get as many people as we humanly possibly can get down to the theater. And for those of you living in Chicago, there's about 50 tickets left and same thing in Minneapolis. So I want to thank everybody

ahead of time for the unbelievable fucking support. Isn't that hilarious? I'm playing a theater in Minneapolis next week and I'm not picking them against the Jets. Whatever. I just want to thank all you guys for supporting me and my comedy. And I want to thank the Penn State and the Lions for losing this week, getting their fucking asses kicked because I'm going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone in obviously Columbus, Ohio on 11th November 12th through the 14th. And all the Iowa State fuck guys are playing Penn State and it's to be announced, but with their two losses, I think it'll be in the afternoon. I think it's official at this point that they won't be contending for anything. And I was really nervous that that game was going to be

at eight o'clock, which would mean that A, I don't get to go to the game and B, no one will be at my show because they'll all be out there going OH, oh motherfucker. And that's it. How about my Boston Bruins? Huh? You like that shit? You like that? Anybody can just fly to fucking St. Louis or Dallas and get their first loss of the year. It takes a real team to fly all the way over to Prague to get your fucking asses kicked to start the year off right. Can anybody explain to me why they keep doing fucking American sports over there in Europe? Like they give a shit like they're going to start buying it up like our jeans. Like every year the NFL does that fucking goddamn game in Wembley Stadium. I don't know. I guess it sells out. I don't know. But if you go over there,

they don't give a fuck. They're into soccer or their version of football. They're absolutely fucking, I don't know. Jesus. You know, this is the greatest way to end this fucking podcast right now with just like a, I came in, you know, this podcast is like March, you know, in like a lion out like a lamb. I'm going out like a lamb here. All right, that's it. Everybody have a great goddamn week. I hope to see you next Wednesday, October 20th at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. Help my brother out. And that's it. God bless all of you. I'll talk to you next week. And cook me. Yeah, top. Deleize me with a cleaver.