Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-12-17

Episode Date: October 12, 2017

Bill rambles about the Yankees, potted plants and homemade cereal.

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning, podcasting. Ah! Just checking in on you! What's going on? Is this fucking global warming awesome or what? Jesus Christ, the summer just keeps going! It's incredible! The golden age. The golden age of global warming. Enjoy it before the sea levels rise up by your waterfront property in West Virginia soon.

Sorry, I don't want to go with all gloom and doom here. It is 12.46 a.m. Thursday. So I have gone 56 days. Alright? 56 days. Two months. Sorry. Two months. No fucking boozing. 56. Now what does the number 56 mean to you? All you baseball fans out there. October Playoff Baseball 56. Joltin' Joe DiMaggio's unbeatable hit record.

Hit for 56 games in a row. I think it's very poignant that I bring up a great Yankee when those fucking cunts just came back against the Cleveland Indians. And I have to tell you, as a Red Sox fan, the Yankees are coming and they're going to be good for a while. You know what I love about the Yankees? Is they're a fucking team. You know what I mean?

I fucking hate that they're going to be good, but I got to acknowledge it. They're fucking good. Poor fucking Cleveland. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Oh Jesus. That's an old Jesus right there. Up two games to nine. You just had to win one more. You know, fucking do it. Fucking comedy of errors. I didn't see the game four.

I guess they fucked up a bunch of errors and then they just, you know, the fucking guy in left field lets the single turn into a double over the fucking alligator arm, a fucking cut off and the guy, it just was a fucking shit show. However, the only thing I don't like about the fucking, by the way, Brett Gardner's at bat, legendary at bat. They're shortstop there. I don't know if I'm going to say his name right.

He's a DD Gregorius. I have no idea. Two huge fucking homeruns. My only question mark, if I can go sports radio right now, are you buying or are you selling? I don't know about Chapman is the closer. You know, I know he closed the fucking game. That was great for him. I know he wanted for the Cubs last year, but I don't know.

I don't think you got a fucking strong closer when he walks the first guy and you already have somebody else up in the bullpen. Maybe I'm spoiled after all those years when I watched Mariano Rivera. Nobody fucking got up. It's fucking Mariano Rivera. The game at the games tied the games over, except in 2004, of course. Oh, Bill, you cunt. That was impressive.

So now they're going to play the Houston Astros, a franchise without an identity. I don't know what it is about them. I was just talking to Jay Lawhead, you know, giving him my condolences. I congratulated Verzi. My team's out of it. I'm not a cunt, right? Well, I am, but not that big of a cunt. I was just at what the fuck?

Why are the Astros so not exciting? Is it the uniforms? Maybe I'm just an old guy when they were in the fucking National League and they had, I don't know what you would call those fucking uniforms. Those things were the shit. They sort of had the gay bar flag, you know, gay friendly fucking flag. They were flying those colors really progressive way back in the late 70s.

They played on the National League. So it was all hit and run. They had the Astro turf. They had J.R. Richards. They had hope. Say Cruz, Enos Cabello. You remember that fucking team way back when? I don't think that they've been fucking exciting ever since.

At some point they decided to have those fucking bland uniforms. It's like dirt color. You know what it looks like? They did uniform. It's the uniform equivalent to when you go on a diet. You know, you have your first little fucking chest pains and the doctor goes, look, I'm going to tell you right now, you need to take off 30 pounds.

You need to cut all the salt and sugar out of your diet, right? They're like, yeah, fucking, you just sitting there eating lettuce, staring across somebody, if somebody went to dinner with, they're eating the chicken, palm, their order and bread and you're just sitting there with your fucking salad and the protein no bigger than the size of the palm of your hand. They have the uniform version of that low level of excitement. I have no, I don't know shit about the Astros

other than that they had an unbelievable year. So I fucking love October baseball. My fucking Red Sox loss. We deserve to lose. What are you going to do? We'll see what we do in the off season. Congratulations to the Astros. Definitely with a better team.

And I missed all the Dodgers series and I saw the highlights tonight of the Cubs and Nationals. Jesus Christ, that fucking Grand Slam is brutal. You know what's weird is the Cubs lost for so long, I still felt bad for them. I forgot that they won the World Series last year, but I was just, I'm so used to feeling bad for Cubs fans, I actually felt bad when that guy hit the home run.

And by the way, can anybody explain, and this is always bugged me about Wrigley Field, is that fucking fence that just juts out that little basket, you know, that gives the warning track power guy a fucking home run. When are they going to take that thing down? I don't understand that thing. It hangs out into the field of play. It's not a fucking, oh, it is a home run.

And the little fence there. What are we playing? Fucking T-ball? Take the goddamn basket? Whatever the fuck that is. Um, it reminds me way back in the day when against the Yankees versus the Orioles, when that kid reached over and grabbed the home run,

instantly became a fucking hero with all Yankee fans and then turned around and called the fucking Red Sox, I mean, the Patriots cheaters. It's hilarious. But everybody does it, you know what I mean? I mean, look at this big story out here in Hollywood, the big scandal, heavy Weinstein, right?

First of all, dude, I mean, what a display of power to finish in a potted plant and then have the nerve to call the person the next day saying, hey, you know, I had a great time. I mean, that's out of your fucking mind. I don't get these fucking people where everything, I'm going to go to rehab. How do you go to rehab to stop you from

preventing a woman leaving a room, taking your dick out and coming on a fern? Do they have rehab? I didn't know that. What are you in there for? Oh, you know, I fucking blocked an exit and jizzed on a plant. Oh, yeah, yeah, me too, me too.

I guess we're going to be buddies here, huh? You know, and they just in this wing of the rehab where there's no potted plants. They got buddies outside the fucking window trying to sneak fucking plants in for them. That is the most bizarre fucking story. But that's not what I want to talk about here. You know what I mean?

Where they fucking sit and they're going all, I love when they said all, all of men in Hollywood kept silent. It's like everybody did. And they were acting like Harvey Weinstein couldn't ruin the career of a guy. That guy up until four days ago could take your career,

want it up right in front of you and throw it in the gutter and you were done. You were fucking done. You're talking about a guy who ever, allegedly could block a woman from leaving a room and then coming on a plant and then fucking does the follow-up call. Like they went to dinner in a movie

and they had a lovely time. That's the level of power this guy had. Human beings should not have that level of power, by the way, because man or woman, they do not handle it well. But anyways, let's get back too far as like, you know, being able to see both sides of the fence here. Our sports fans are just like, you know, that's obviously holding.

And then if the holding call doesn't go against you, it's like, oh, no, no, fucking great call, great non-call. Fox News, they were going off on fucking Harvey Weinstein and all Hollywood and how underhanded and blah, blah, blah, blah. But when Trump was grabbing the pussies, they got nothing, right? And then fucking CNN's the same fucking way. Trump grabs the fucking pussies. They're all fucking over it.

Harvey Weinstein does what he does. This isn't a time to fucking politicize this thing. They're both so fucking full of shit. And they're going to judge all of Hollywood on Harvey Weinstein, right? The same way the liberals judge all Republicans on Donald Trump. I don't know how anybody watches either one of those channels. However, I will say this because I don't watch Fox News that often. I don't really watch CNN, but I will at least CNN.

It looks professional. I'm not saying it is. Well, it is, but I'm not saying it's obviously not ridiculously biased. They both are. But what is Fox News looks like? It looks like fucking WSBK TV 38 back in the day when they go in between periods and their little bullshit set. I don't know what about Fox News.

It's like they got to put more money into it. Everybody looks sweaty, you know? I don't understand. But anyways, Jesus fucking Christ. So now they're going back into everybody's life. They're going back into somebody. You did this back in 2000. Here's my thing.

All these guys are now going to have to apologize for all the shit they did evidently back into the fucking 90s or whatever. My question is, when is it going to even out? I would love to see some gold digging whores come on and apologize and be like, yeah, hey, sorry, I took your house and had a couple of kids with you and said that I loved you when I really didn't. I should have done that and then prevented you from seeing those kids that you had with me that half look like me and you now know that I never really loved you.

And I'm sorry for that and banging the new guy in this house that you bought. And now I'm also not going to have my new boyfriend ever move in or marry me because then my payments from you and the alimony will stop. I want to apologize for that. My behavior was completely unacceptable. Just to balance it out. Listen, if you're new to this podcast, one of the mainstays of this podcast is that I'm a contrarian cunt.

All right. So if you're new to it, you know, I don't know. This first 11 minutes is what you can expect for the rest of this. Anyways, I am in Atlanta, Georgia right now. I got a small part in a big movie. I mean, that's my career. That's my fucking wheelhouse. I love it.

All I want to do is paratroop in for a couple of fucking days, have a good time, get to watch the real fucking actors do that goddamn thing. I always feel like I want to contest when I do a movie. You know what I mean? Like, hey, you want to be in a movie? Well, boy, do I. So I'm going to be here for the next couple of weeks. You know, missing my family like fucking crazy.

I'm hoping trying to work something out where I can bring them in so I don't lose my fucking mind out here. Not going to lie to you. I was actually so fucking lonely and depressed last night. I mean, obviously it's exciting to do a movie. I was just missing my family that I walked by a liquor store and I saw this bottle of booze in there in the window. And I was like, am I going to buy that and finish all of it? And fortunately, I walked past it and I went down to the Laughing Skull Comedy Club, went up on stage. Thank you to them for putting me on stage.

And I went up there and I'm going to say I kind of ate my balls. It was a very give and take. A lot more, whatever's worse, but a lot more worse, a lot more give or a lot more. I don't know what it was, but it was a rough one. Okay. But anyway, so now I'm out here. I got to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do. I went to Trader Joe's.

I bought some healthy fucking food. You know, all this shit's healthy, but they still have a frozen food aisle. So I don't get that. You know what I mean? They still have fucking cereal. You know what I mean? That's that part of a balanced breakfast, is it? Cereal?

Can you even, what the fuck is cereal? I just thought about that. Like what is in a cereal? How about these brand fucking things? I don't know what they are. Like can you make cereal? I bet there's somebody on YouTube. Homemade cereal.

I'm going to look that up. I'm going to go out on Limit City. I'm the first person to ever fucking Google this home. Fucking feds are going to knock on the goddamn door right now. Homemade cereal. Does anybody like cereal enough to fucking do it? Directions. Okay.

Preheat your oven to 275 degrees. I don't know about you, but I'm already out. I can either open a box and pour it and it's done, or I can go preheat my oven to 275 degrees. For my friends around the world, that's 135 degrees Celsius. In a large bowl, mix oats, wheat germ. Wheat germ. What aisle is that in? And wheat brand.

Oh my God. If you're going to actually take the time to make cereal, this is what you're going to do. In a medium bowl, blend brown sugar, vegetable oil, honey and water. Mix in vanilla extract. Is he making dessert here? Cinnamon, nutmeg. It sounds like you're making a pie in salt. Bake for 45 minutes in a preheated oven.

Stirring every 15 minutes until lightly brown. Hey Eddie, you're 20 minutes fucking later than you usually are. You're usually only an hour late for work. Where the fuck have you been? Oh, you know, I was at home. I was making breakfast. What the fuck did you make? Homemade cereal?

Hey Eddie, do me a favor. Why don't you fucking go punch out and get the fuck out of here? You're fired. How do you make corn flakes? How do you make cocoa puffs? They actually have this shit. How to make cinnamon toast crunch. Quarter cup of whole wheat pastry flour.

Who has the fucking time to do this? Quarter cup of all-purpose flour, baking soda, cinnamon. All right, wait a fucking minute. If we're going to go this far, right? How do you spell Fritos? Homemade Fritos. All right, heat the oven to 375 degrees. Cut two pieces of parchment.

The same size as a baking sheet and set aside in a small bowl. Whisk together the cornmeal and the salt. Place one sheet of parchment. Am I going to do this? Can you imagine if you fucking made homemade Fritos? And people are like, what the fuck? Where the fuck did you get these Fritos? I made them myself.

They're homemade. Are you on house arrest? Who the fuck has time to do this shit? Fucking asshole. You make it homemade. How did you make your own trans fats, you fucking psycho? Who would have thought? Who the fuck would have thought that you could do something like this?

This is a fucking great country. I've heard of people make it. Do you hear that fucking growl inside? What is that? I shut off the fucking air conditioning. I fucking hate air conditioning. It's so overused. Air conditioning is like that person at a party who just won't shut the fuck up, you know?

Oh, you know what they said that about? I was watching, you know, the BET Rap Awards, their hip hop awards. And I'm watching all this shit. And they had the guy from Two Live Crew. They were giving him like a lifetime achievement award. It was fucking hilarious. He was up there dressed like he just got a doctorate. And then afterwards he does all his music and it's all, oh, me so horny, all that shit.

I'm not saying I don't like that fucking music, but I mean, Jesus Christ. He had like a bow tie on and his whole suit and everything. He looked like a fucking elder statesman. But anyways, I don't know, I was talking to my wife about it. I don't know shit about hip hop, but this whole fucking thing where everybody is drinking that shit, that lean, whatever the hell it is. And everybody sounds, even if they're not fucking wasted, they sound like they're wasted. Drives me up the wall.

I just listen to it. It's like, you know, when you go to a party and there's somebody way more fucked up than you and just like, dude, I can't talk to you. How did I get out of this? That's what it sounded like. That one dude lost all that fucking weight, man. The guy usually takes his shirt off. When he was fat, he took his shirt off.

Now he's skinnier and he has his clothes on, which probably means he's still getting the skin removed or whatever. You know what's funny? All the weight that he lost, he still weighs more than all of the Migos put together even with their jewelry on. Sorry, my first day on the movies tomorrow, so I've just been sitting here fucking watching TV and waiting to work. So I've just been watching all of this shit and listening to music and stuff. Dude, I know I'm like fucking over 10 years late on this thing, but I am an old guy. I've just been listening to the first two Mars Volta albums. And I gotta tell you, John Theodore is a fucking genius drummer.

How do you say it? Visera Eyes? I don't know how to say anything. V-I-S-C-E-R-A. Any drummers out there, you gotta listen to that fucking song and you gotta learn how to play it. You can't be a drummer listening to that and not want to know. At least that open and drum groove. I don't know what the fuck he's doing on the breakdown in the end, but it's one of the sickest fucking drum grooves I've ever heard in my life.

And you listen to what the guitar is doing. Most people would have just played with the guitar. And the way he fucking plays around it, and one of my favorite things, is does not have this snare on two and four. And it's still just fucking, not only fucking rocks, it propels this fucking song. I think I've listened to that song 200 times in the last fucking week and it's still giving me chills. It's fucking unreal. And my drum teacher a long time ago told me to get into this band, Meshuggah, and I listened to it and I just, it was too advanced. I couldn't hear what was, it was just too much shit to be listened to.

But because I've been listening to Mars Volta and they're crazy shit, I actually went back because I was scrolling through looking for Mars Volta. And I had this Meshuggah album for the longest time and I went back and listened to it. And I think I'm finally starting to like, I always knew it was amazing, but now I actually am like fucking into it. I just keep listening to that first song. I'm baby stepping my way into it. This music is way advanced for my fucking limited fucking musical abilities. But that first song, Stenga, S-T-E-N-G-A-H, just the drumming on that, the whole fucking thing is unbelievable. So I just been, that's what I've been doing.

I haven't been boozing. I've been watching old Twilight Zones. I've been listening to all this fucking music and I don't know, I went out tonight to a cigar bar. That's my one vice that I have left. It's all I got left. And it went out and ordered my fucking club soda and a lime. I gotta tell you, man, I actually feel, you know, walk out, I'm not shit-faced. It's nice, you know?

Yeah, Bill, not being boozed every fucking day. People find that nice after a while. Well, all right then. All right. I haven't been able to watch any of the hockey. Fucking, I know the Bruins are one and two. We got crushed by the Avs tonight, six to three. And I'm actually debating on Saturday because I'm going out of my mind missing my family.

I'm actually debating. The Tennessee volunteers have a home game. I'm actually debating. It's a three hour drive. I know they're not good this year, but that's such a legendary stadium. They are home. I live on the other side of the country.

It's three hours. I can drive up there, scalp a fucking ticket, watch and play the South Carolina Gamecocks, nice SEC matchup. I get to fucking go to that state. I think I'm going to do it. What else am I going to do? Sit here alone in this fucking hotel room, missing my kiddo, you know?

Anyway, so let's get into the, I think I'm going to do it. Fuck it. That'll be my 20th college football team that I've seen. I've seen some big ones though. That'll be my fifth or sixth SEC team that I've seen a home game of. I've seen Texas A&M, LSU, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, and then Tennessee. I mean, as far as the big ones I'd have left, I'd have Auburn, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, and fucking Arkansas, you know?

No disrespect to Vanderbilt. Who's left? Vanderbilt, Kentucky, and Missouri. Missouri is like, you know, I feel like the SEC is like their rebound conference, you know? They still want to be in the big 12, but the fucking University of Texas came up with their own, I don't know, their own yes network, their own nesting, whatever the fuck they did. I don't understand why everybody else just didn't do the same thing. But anyways, I think I'm going to do it.

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I will pass through one of my favorite and one of the most underrated cities in the United States, Chattanooga, Tennessee. I've only been there one time and I had such a fucking great time. Great food, great bars, just great people, just a great fucking great city. Love that place. And Knoxville is another place that had a great fucking time. Everybody goes to Tennessee. They all go to Nashville. They want to go to the Grand Ole fucking Opry.

They want to fucking... I don't know what the fuck. You'll go see some live music and all that shit. I'm telling you right now. Sorry, do not sleep on Chattanooga, Tennessee. Do not avoid Knoxville. They're fucking great. I swear to God, if I wasn't in this goddamn business, I could live in either one of those towns. I'm a big fan of that state.

Not that I'm shitin' on fucking Georgia here because it's another good time. Speaking of which, I guess the College Hall of Fame, some sort of Hall of Fame's out here. I might go check that out down the street. But that is it. That is a podcast here. Oh, Billy Freckles here. I got to get my eight-hour sleep and go do my fucking little... what I like to call acting tomorrow. That is it. Is there anything else I wanted to talk about?

Am I promoting anything coming up? We added a third show in Austin at Austin City Limits. Now, I was all excited that this is the same place where I saw Stevie Ray Vaughn play, but evidently, that's a new one. However, it is the same place where I saw Iggy Pop with Queens of the Stone Age perform. It is legendary. We'll be down there with Dean Delray. I'm trying to find out if I can record because my Madison Square Garden recording did not work.

I fucked up. They just gave me the recording from the board. I am loud as shit and you can barely hear the crowd. Oops. I don't know if I'll ever get to do Madison Square Garden again. Oh, well, I guess it's just a memory. But I'm starting to think when I play these really cool venues like this, that I'm just going to record audio. I don't know what I'm going to do with it. I might just start putting out a random fucking vinyl of some shit.

I got to know the guys over there, Third Man Records. That's also in Nashville. Jack White's company, those guys treated me great. I did my Carnegie Hall one with those guys. So maybe, who knows, maybe I could do something with them. I don't know. I kind of like the idea of that because my act changed so much and I have a lot of topical shit. I was thinking, what if I just, I don't know, just start recording all these sets

and then maybe I splice it together. A bunch of different ones. I don't know. We'll see what happens, but it's never bad to have a good recording, right? Am I just spitballing out loud to you guys as if this is fucking entertainment? I have no idea. All right, that's it. Congratulations to Yarmer Yager. You got fucking signed with the Calgary Flames.

The man's career continues. And I look forward to watching him out there. And that's it. I know I made all you guys yawn. I apologize, but I don't have time to do this tomorrow. That's it. You guys have a great day, a wonderful weekend, and I will talk to you on Monday. And those of you new to this podcast, we now do our greatest hits from a Thursday gone by.

You can listen to some cool music. If you have any questions about who did the music, just tweet at the MM podcast, at the MM podcast. And Andrew is really good about posting that type of shit to let you know who it is. Because he plays all the cool music. I'm way behind, as you can tell. All right, I'm just starting to get into Mars Volta. Okay, I'm getting into a band that people are hoping is going to have a reunion. I'm just getting into them.

All right, okay, that is it. All right, have a great weekend, your cunts. I'll talk to you later. Thank you. All right, hair loss or sex loss? Bill, I'm sure you've heard of propitia. Heard of it, I used it. I used it.

And when I ran out of it, I just had that honest moment with myself. And I was just like, there's no way there's not going to be a side effect. Okay, there's always, there's no way. There's just no way there's no way this thing. Okay, I'll save my hair but damage my liver. You know, what do I need more? You know, a full head of hair or a functioning fucking liver. You just, you know, you just got to bite the bullet and turn and just turn old.

Just age gracefully. You know, I try to keep my hair short. I try to offend as little people as I go through the slow process of seeing what my skull actually looks like. He goes, I have a lot of friends on it that say it sort of works. Definitely slows down hair loss by doing something. However, apparently the drawbacks is no boner. Oh, is that, I don't know. I don't know either way on that one.

That's, that's some bar room stuff. I think that it, that can, that can happen to some people. I have no fucking idea. He said, so do you choose hair to get sex or choose no hair, which might mean no sex? Is this some sort of sick joke by the pharmaceutical companies? No, you're fighting nature. Listen, dude, I'll tell you right now. All right, there's women out there that think a shaved head is sexy.

Not all of them, but there's enough. All right, there's enough out there that you can keep going out banging women. You know, some women find a shaved head fucking they, they like it turns them on. So listen, this is the great thing about women is they can see beyond what you look like. Okay, if you come in there and you got a little swagger and you're funny and you're fucking, you know, shaved head shows confidence, dude. You're like, fuck it, preemptive strike. You guys are walking out on me.

Oh, you know what? I'm kicking you out the door and you take out your clippers. You know, I buzzed my head down a few years ago. I fucking loved it. Man, I took all the jokes. Oh, when you're a cancer patient, a fucking make a wish. But, but, but Peter's out after a couple of weeks. You know, I don't know.

I go back and forth. I go back and forth. I mean, I go literally from doing, maybe I'll do the fucking hair transplant to all the way back to all fucking shape my head again. I have no idea, but I got to be honest with you, dude, it doesn't. The vibe you're bringing is going to be way more. Listen, do you really want to get with some girl who's with you because you have a fucking, a nice big cow lick on top of your fucking head?

And if you didn't have it, then she wouldn't be with you. You know, going bald is like driving a piece of shit car. It really keeps the whores away from you. All these fucking idiots with full heads of hair driving around in flashy cars. You see what happens to him? What happened to Mel Gibson? He should have just gone bald, but he didn't. He kept fighting it, doing shit up there, drove around in a flashy car.

I had to give up my fucking lacquer tickets, you know, flipping out, flipping out. You know what, dude? Yeah, don't take those fucking drugs. Those drugs are brand new and the side effects that they're talking about. I'm telling you, it's just the shit that they're letting on to cover their asses, that they said that there was some side effects. Okay, from what I've overheard bars, the people on the FDA, half of them used to work for these pharmaceutical fucking companies.

So they got the nuts running the fucking nut house. All right, and you're just going to be, you're going to be a little lab rat if you start taking that shit. All right, so I would suggest not doing it. Let nature take its fucking course and do what I'm doing. Wait for the cure. And I guarantee you it ain't going to come. So just fucking man up and go bald, you fucking pussy. Okay, do what I'm doing.

Just slowly let it happen. You're from now. I'm going to have fucking hair plugs and I'm going to be performing for dictators for New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. Be best friends with Beyonce. I didn't see my itinerary either. I didn't know who it was. I literally used the same excuse for performing for oil men.

Yeah. I'm all to right. The edge of nothing. The sink happens at five to nine. And if they don't know, your heart is starting to run. So anyways, the past couple of weeks I've been talking about the food down here in New Orleans,

saying how delicious slash unhealthy it is and how you can't find fucking kale. Excuse me. Is a drink more cold water for my fucking scalded tongue? I actually bought a juicer this week to somehow combat all the fried food that I've been eating. And I started drinking that shit that that guy and fat dead and kind of sick. Whatever the fuck is called fat sick and nearly dead. Sick fatty with dead fucking something, whatever. I've been drinking that shit, man.

I got to tell you something that's delicious. Not only is it delicious, you crave it after a while. And I think I dropped like four or five pounds. Good pounds too, you know, the flabby ones. I was joking on Twitter saying how I was in I was in button down shirt shape. And I actually want to get into like, I want to be in sitting down, no shirt on shape. I don't know what I know Bill Cosby did a bit on this, but he's so right. What the fuck happens when you sit down, you stand up and look sideways in the mirror.

You're like, all right, you know what, that isn't bad. Dare I say it's kind of cute shows that I like the occasional snickers, right? And you sit there pinching at yourself like you're in an old school special K commercial going. All right, that's not that bad. That's not that bad. Then you just sit down and like three handfuls of shit just lands on your thighs. You know, for the life of me, I can't. What is what happens?

Do your hip bones move up to your fucking mantis and everything just gets blown out. I have no idea, but sitting down without a shirt on, you know, that's, that's the truest moment of your fucking physique that you're going to see all day. Stop standing up, sucking in your gut. All right, you want to see, you want to see the damage you've done. Maybe you're not ready for it. All right. This is like the ring. When you looked at that fucking chick's face, your jaw just opens up and you land in a fucking walking closet.

Oh my God. I don't know what happened to me. I'm not even that bad a shape. So I said, fuck this, I got a juicer and I just did a quick gig up in Chicago came right back this private thing. So I don't know. I ate halfway decent up there. I did find a vegan restaurant, but then of course I had some Chicago pizza. So now I came back and I had my little fucking grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

So now my body is starting to pull me back to the dark side. And that's what I've really learned about trying to stay in shape. It's all about keeping your brain out in front of your body, keeping your fucking wits about you. Like this shit. It's like food. You know, when they say food is a drug, I didn't believe him, but I'm totally convinced of it now. It's like when you're eating bad and you're just going like a three month bender. I've just eaten bad in your head like, oh God, I got to stop.

I want a fucking cheeseburger and you just keep going. And then that makes you want cookies and all that type of shit. It's the food equivalent to like locking yourself in a room and just free basing for three months. That's what you're doing. So when I try to do when I'm eating, eating bad like this, I just talked to a buddy of mine outside of the business who's trying to lose some fucking weight. I was trying to tell him that like you got to keep your head out in front of it and just go like, I want that, but I'm going to eat this. Even in that moment when you're looking at that apple as opposed to that fucking glorious, whatever you're looking at, right? Toasted roast beef and cheese with the fucking pickles and the chips and all that.

The last thing your body's like, that's fine. That's what the fuck I want. And you got to reach for that apple. You got to fucking hit that, that crack pipe instead. And I'm telling you, the second you get two, three bites in, you're like, oh, thank God. Thank God I did that. And you're fine. Because from what I've read, the very little I've read is your body, it's actually craving nutrition, you know?

That's why when you eat Chinese food, like fucking 35 minutes later, you're hungry again because your body's still craving nutrition. There wasn't like a fucking ounce of it in that shit at the risk of getting sued by that entire fucking continent of China. It's not a continent, it's a country. Oh, fuck yourself. So that's what I would say. If you could try to do, that's what I'm trying to do as I'm trying to keep my head out in front of it. So I got that grilled cheese sandwich and I got the tomato soup and I said, all right, I got to get back on the fucking green gumbo here as I'm calling it. Because I'm in New Orleans and that's it.

I'm back on that shit for the last two. Tomorrow morning I wake up and make another one, bingo, bango. I'm trying to do two a day juicing and then one day having the fucking, you know, a healthy dinner. And then I go on the treadmill for a half hour. There's no fucking way you're not going to drop weight. All right. So there you go. So stop doing those stupid ass fad diets.

It's the fucking cornflakes diet. All I do is eat cornflakes. I can eat as much as I want that bullshit. Eventually, eventually. You know what I really, I think the really, it really is, is not even like, it's not even the fucking diet. It's the, once you get to your weight, what do you do then? You know, once you get down to your weight, at some point you're going to be looking around. It's like you got out of jail and there's some ice cream right over there.

You're an adult. You don't have to go more. Can I have some ice cream? Right? That's how you become a fat fuck as an adult. There's no one to say, hey, you had enough cookies. It's on you. You had enough booze.

Put on a condom. It's all on you. You got to be your own fucking parent until you get a lady in your life. Then she starts fucking nagging at you. Take your shoes off and get out the rug. Fuck you, lady. Where did you become so angry? Um, so that would be my advice when you're just on, if right now, if you listen to this

shit and you're on a bad fucking road, I'm telling you, one of these days in the future, you're going to wake up, you're going to be sitting down on the side of your bed. You're going to glance into a mirror and you're going to be like, what the fuck? What have I done to myself? You're going to stand up real quick. You're going to try to suck it in and try to deny the truth that you just saw. You hear that? That's the steam engine coming back on the fucking racist genocide 101.

Um, the fuck am I to? Yeah, just make yourself eat an apple or just eat a fucking salad. You got to, you got to turn, you got to turn the boat around. That's what I'm trying to do. I got to do it. Fucking went back up to like almost a buck 90 and now back down to like the mid one seventies. I got to, it's the fucking worst. Just trying to lose like 15 pounds is the fucking worst.

I can't imagine people who got, uh, got to lose more than that. So, uh, you know, I don't, I don't know how this became more of a weight loss podcast. Um, but I think it's working though. This guy actually sent me a letter. He said, uh, podcast success story. Dear Wilbur, you sir are a God amongst men. Ah, Jesus. I wish that was true.

He goes, I used to be a depressed piece of shit. Your, uh, your typical, the world is against me. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants me fucking moron. That's who I was. But your advice on stepping back and making fun of every negative annotation I have. Is that a word? Did he write that?

Do you type that correctly or am I a more annotation? I don't know. Not to make you depressed again. I don't know how to spell. Um, he goes, I have fucking changed my life. I'm 80 pounds lighter. I got a great girl and I've gotten to count them to promotions. You're a comedian.

You're not obligated to be Oprah or morey, but you still make a difference. Thank you sir for knocking me back into cohesion. Uh, you probably make 20 times more than me. I doubt that sir with your two big promotions there. Um, but I know, but I owe you a drink next time I see you. And if you're in Canada or being town, you stay classy, sir. Oh, that's great. Good for you, sir.

Look at that. He turned it around. Somehow my negative, whatever the fuck my shaming, my fat shame, my for shame has been working. Um, all right, enough about that shit. So that's what I'm doing. I'm drinking the, I'm doing that fat, sick and nearly dead, juicy thing. And, uh, it's like all green stuff. It's a kale, celery, a couple of handfuls of parsley, cucumber, zucchini, and then a

lime in to take the bitterness out. And, uh, I gotta tell you, it's fucking delicious. I love it. And, um, I don't know, I think I'm going to incorporate this in every couple of months. Just go back to that. Well, I'll just juice for like four or five days, just so I stay out in front of it. Just so I don't have to have to sit down one day and have that fucking beach ball. I got a thing on my button down shirts.

It's the one, two, third button down when that button starts to look like it's doing the iron cross between both sides of my shirt. That's what I'm like, ah, you fucking jerk off. All right. And then what happens is I lay off the beer and then I just start slamming whiskey. Like that's my initial. When we've begun our initial descent into our dieting is I go from drinking pale ales to whiskey.

I really am a freckled mess. I don't know what it is, just seems I know. So be chopped by yourself. Love haunts to the end. Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr. And it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 12th, 2009. And I am in a fantastic fucking mood. Isn't that nice?

Isn't that nice when you run into somebody on a Monday and they're in a great mood rather than the usual country run into at work? Hey, Jerry, how you doing? How you doing on that fucking week? You know, I'm a girlfriend with being a bitch all weekend. Can't believe the Patriots lost. Dude, what the fuck's with Tom Brady? Randy Moss was wide open.

Shut up. You think I give a fuck about you? I was just saying hello. I was being friendly because we were walking in opposite directions past each other and our eyes happened to meet. That's all I was saying. No one gives a fuck about your whole stupid day. So I'm in an awesome mood and I'm going to tell you why.

Because I've been on the road for six of the last seven weeks tightening up my act, the way Bill Belichick is going to tighten up that Patriots defense over the year. We'll challenge for a fucking title sometime next year. But it's still a good thing. No, I haven't packed it in yet with the Patriots. No, I've been on the road and I was on the road for the last 10 straight days, everybody. Do you have any fucking idea what that's like? Has any of you ever gone out there?

You ever gone out to Disney World? What the fuck do you people go for 10 days? Oh my God, I went to Acapoco. It was awesome. We sat on the beach. We were tanning. We didn't do anything we dressed like. Who is?

Who is? We dressed like absolutely, absolutely, totally 100%. Who is? We didn't pay for a drink. I had no pubic hair. I barely had a bikini bottom on. I had this island guy put cornrows in my hair and I did fucking things that would explain the calluses on my knees.

But I'm not going to because it was in a different country and it doesn't fucking count. Well, what I did was, look at me with all the fucking energy. You know what? I thought I had a meeting this morning at 10 in the morning. It turns out it was fucking yesterday. So I am clean shaven and I am dressed, dressed to impress for this fucking podcast. And anyways, I've been on the road for the last 10 fucking days and I finally got to sleep in my own bed.

Saw my girl. I saw my dog. You know, I came home. I watched some sports yesterday even though fucking Red Sox and the Patriots lost. You know, good for the angels by the way. All the people out here in California, man. Good for you guys. You know, I know what it's like when you can never beat a team.

Granted, I wish you still couldn't beat us, but I know what the fucking deal is. I watched a fucking Red Sox lose to the Yankees for the first 80% of my life. Well, the first 36 years of my life could not beat the sons of bitches. So congratulations to you. I hope you beat the Yankees. And you know, I really hope you do. But the fucking Yankees look really good too. They really do.

That $200 million team is just plugging away against that $60 million fucking Minnesota Twins. That's right, you cunts. I'm bringing it up. But you know why? Because none of the announcers do. To Sharers having a hell of a bet. Jeers on first.

Jesus Christ is taking a lead off the third base. He better watch out. He's still got that robe on. It's not even fucking competition anymore, you know? And I know the Red Sox are part of the fucking problem, but Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, really? Anyways, let's pull out ahead. Good luck, Minnesota.

You really should be up two games to one if you didn't fucking blow it. You know, but what do you guys care? Huh? What do you guys care? You got the Mall of America. You can go down there and ride the Ferris wheel right across from the Stridebrite outlet. So anyways, yeah, I've been on the fucking road for the last 10 days and I swear to God, I figured it out.

In the last three weeks, I have done 22 sets of an hour or more. And I was, my final night was Saturday night at the Improv and Pittsburgh, which is really becoming one of my favorite cities out there. It's just, it's just a great sports city. It's one of the greatest views when you go, is it the Fort Pitt Tunnel? I don't know what it is. You always come through the tunnel, right? You know, after you drive down the fucking roadway there, whatever, whatever.

Come out of the airport and get on the highway. There we go. You know? The only thing that sucks about Pittsburgh is they're really big on having whatever the numbers of lanes are. When you get on the bridge, there's one less lane. They're really into that bottleneck thing. Three lanes, it goes down to two, four goes down to three, that type of ship.

And anyways, when you go through the tunnel, when you come out, you think you're just going to be coming, you know, up underground, like, you know, like the Holland Tunnel and the Lincoln Tunnel. When you come into New York City, you feel like a fucking rat. You just come up and you're right at street level. But in Pittsburgh, you come through like this, I don't know if it's big enough to say it's a mountain. It's a fucking hill and they dug a tunnel right through it.

And as you come out, right as you get to the other side, the whole city is right out in front of you. This panoramic view of the whole city and look, you look to the left is Heinz Field with a Steelers play. And next to it is that the ballpark where the AAA Pirates play where the Yankees and Red Sox actually have trained vultures circling the stadium. And when anybody hits a triple, we both dive bomb in to see who can snatch the player away first.

It's a tragedy, man. Major League Baseball is a fucking tragedy. You know? What do you think the Red Sox are going to do this off-season? $120 million always spent last year, $125. You think we're not going to get back up to $1.80 like we usually do? Better watch out all you little fucking teams around the league. We're coming.

We got our checkbook. It's horrible. Anyways, plowing ahead. Yeah, they have all these bridges, all this great steel work that people actually live in the town if they didn't die when they were building them, falling off the bridge because they had to smoke weed because they were afraid of heights, but couldn't admit it because they're a man. All those bridges are there.

And there's nothing about Pittsburgh, very, very, very underrated delis. Whenever you hear about great like pastrami, corned beef or whatever, you always hear, you know, go to a New York, you know, New York deli, oh, I'll make you a fucking hero. But Pittsburgh, I don't know what's going on out there, but for some reason they have kept it. Why doesn't that guy Fiery go there? You know, take a big fucking bite out of that shit because I'm telling you, incredible, incredible deli meat.

I went to came in a day early. I went to the Pittsburgh Penguins versus the Phoenix Coyotes, one of the worst hockey games I've ever been to. They didn't fucking show up because they were resting because they had the flyers the next night. Let's just go easy. They're bankrupt. We'll just let them win tonight.

That's basically the game I went to, but it was fun to go to the old thing. So I'm just babbling. I'm babbling like a fucking fat chick who just got an engagement rink. You know, that's what's going on here. That was really mean and uncalled for. So anyways, this is what I have to talk. You know what I want to do this week? I want to take some time out to talk to you guys about what it's like to fly from fucking

Pittsburgh to Los Angeles. Basically there's one show in town and the show's name is us air. And I went in, I mean us air is it's a fucking rinky dink airline. Who's kidding? Who? You know what I mean? Like if they, if they were in baseball, they would be like the Padres, you know, no offense. You know what?

I mean that in an offensive way. There's no comedy clubs in San Diego. What am I really hurting? You know, this is what I did. I show up and I go to check in and I'm bringing my bag along and I'm checking a bag basically. You know how much they want for first check bag? Go ahead. I'll wait.

Take a guess. What'd you say? 15? Uh-uh. Higher. 20. 20 you say? There a guy in the back?

Uh-uh. Even more. 25 bucks for the first bag checked. Now, do they bring that up? Is that anywhere on the internet as you're going to make your fucking, I didn't, I don't who do I know? I fucking, I call my travel agent. All I know is they don't fucking bring it up until you get to the airport and then you

go to give it to a bag and then they go, that'll be $25 and they got you. They got you. It's a total fucking shake down and that's the exact song that went through my head because I was thinking, why didn't you just make this part of the ticket? You know, it's kind of like 1995 plus shipping and handling. So you don't see that it really costs like 27 bucks. And you'd be 27 bucks. That's not worth that onion chopper thing.

If there's a one in the beginning, I'll definitely fucking buy it, right? That's what they're doing to me. And I'm tired of it. Total fucking shake down those fucking cunts. And I say to Lee, I go, you got to be kidding me, it's 25 bucks for the first thing. She goes, yeah, I know, I know. She goes, well, it's only 20 if, if you go on the internet and it's like, yeah. And then you don't have a job.

And she goes, I know. I go, so why would you tell me that? She goes to be honest with you. The people above us say we have to tell people that, all right? And we also have to suggest that they use the automated machines. And I go, that's unbelievable. She goes, yeah. And you know what?

The people above us get a commission for the amount of people who use the automated machines and we don't get anything. Do you realize how fucked up that is? All you fucking people who argue with me about those automated machines, do you see what they're doing? They're pitting us against each other. Those bad financial positions, that lady behind the counter, she wants to keep her job. So she literally has to teach people how to phase her out of a fucking job.

You know? I don't know. The whole time I was in there, I kept hearing, you know, that ACDC song, Shake Down, Nervous Shake Down off of Flick of the Switch. You know how it goes? You don't? You don't know how, you don't know how it goes? You guys weren't fans of that shit?

Here it is. Yeah, it's $25 for the first bag. Yeah, we didn't tell you because we knew you wouldn't pick this fucking airline. That's all I heard in my head. Then I'm on the fucking flight and this old lady goes, oh, I'm a little chilly, sweet little old lady, right? Could I have a blanket? First in the lit and the stewardess said, that'll be $7.

That's what they should have. That's the song that they should have had the second they closed the cabin door. It's fucking brutal, $7, $7 for a blanket, everybody on US Air. But then somebody told me that's actually because of the swine flu. Because of the swine flu. And I was like, wait a minute. Now, didn't we put smallpox in blankets and give them to the Indians? You know?

So maybe there is something. I don't know. I vaguely remember reading that, that you can wipe out a whole group of people if they're cold. It's very easy to do. You just sneeze on some blankets and you hand it to them and then they start dropping like flies. And the ones that survive run a casino.

Run a casino and they cry about litter. So see, there you go people. Okay, now it gets worse. So I'm on this fucking plane, right? There's 25 bucks, 25 bucks for the first bag, $7 for a blanket. The people in my row were saying that there's a rumor they're actually going to start charging for the bathroom, which I think is bullshit. There's no fucking way.

We're not to that point, are we? And then when we go to land, this is the greatest fucking thing ever. I go to land and I'm like, thank God, thank God, I have made it. I am back here in LA. I'm going to sleep my own bed and we see my baby and we see my dog. Everything's going to be great. I fucking stand it down there for waiting for the bag that I paid $25 for that should come out of the fucking thing on its own little pillow for that amount of money, right?

I had to wait half hour for my bag, still nothing. No announcement from anybody, nothing. So I finally walk into the thing and I'm like, excuse me, do you know what's going on here? She goes, yeah, we kind of Sunday, we kind of have like a skeleton crew. So I make a joke. What do you got? Like one guy unloading the plane. She goes, yeah, one guy for 200 bags, you know, and I don't flip out at those people

behind the counter because I know that their job is to basically sit there and get yelled at by people who don't understand that they don't make the fucking policy, right? So I leave, all right? Half hour in another 20 minutes goes by. I'm standing there for almost a fucking hour, no bag and everybody's standing around like zombies. Occasionally somebody would be fucking walking in there and I finally walked in there and I was just like, all right.

I know you don't have anything to do with this policy, but do you have a form that I can fill out so I can ask for my $25 back please? And Lee's like, um, no, there's no form for that. I have a number here and I go, how many people do you have working right now on a Sunday? And she's like, I don't know, I don't have access to that information. Do you do this every Sunday? Just so I know in the future when I go to travel that I won't fly us air on a Sunday. Do you know, do you do this every Sunday?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't usually work Sundays. Do you know what's going on with the bag? Yeah, I don't know how to contact the people. Every fucking thing I asked her, she couldn't give me a fucking answer. And I was like, do you think this is a smart way to run a business? I mean, I don't have a problem working here. Fucking morons.

So I go, just give me, give me, give me, I'm becoming that person. I fucking complain all the time, right? I'm going to, I got the thing. I'm going to get my $25 back. I got to figure out how to do it. I don't think I'm going to be able to do it via email. I think I need to get on the phone and I go, I want money back. I'm sorry, sir.

We don't offer refunds. I'm sorry. I know you're sorry. You guys are always sorry, but none of you guys can fucking help. All right. I can't curse though. I realize you're sorry. I'm sorry too.

Is there someone above you that I can speak to? Well, I would like to speak to them and just keep going up and up and up. And become such a pain in the ass. And the key is you don't curse because if you don't curse, they can't hang up on you. Well, my buddy's had a great fucking line the other day. He was on one of these 1-800 numbers and he was, and he was having the same problem. He goes, yeah, I want, I want to refund. And I'm sorry.

We don't offer refunds. Um, is there anything else I can help you with? He goes, anything else you can help me with? You haven't helped me with anything yet? You fucking twat. And of course she hangs up because he said the F and the T word. Um, so anyways, uh, I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I think the only fucking way to get back at these corporations is you have to be

like those little old ladies who just won't go away and you really just have to complain and just say that it's completely unacceptable. I mean, what the fuck kind of an airline doesn't have enough guys to unload their fucking airplane? You know what I love too is it's a jam packed fucking airplane. And I know it's a tough time. I don't know, they're probably even losing money, but those fucking assholes at the top are still making just as much money, just as much money as

they were, I guarantee it. Those fucking CEO, CEO douchebags never take any, they never take a fucking pay cut. They got me standing down there for an extra fucking hour. Did I say I was in a good mood this week? I actually am in a good mood, but, um, I'm more pissed off at the fucking people who challenged me on those automated things and all that. You don't even realize you're leading yourself and the rest of us down this

fucking path, and that's what it's going to be in the future. There's going to be nobody there and there's going to be one robo cop. And if the second you start complaining, they're going to somehow connect the dots with you and the al-Qaeda and you're going to get shot. All right. Maybe that's, maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but you know what I mean? Whatever happened to the customer is always right.

Fucking old lady next to me. She was, she put newspaper on her legs. I don't fucking know what, what are you going to do? All right, let's move on with the podcast. And, uh, if you liked that song, nervous, shakedown, which I don't know why you wouldn't, you know, why wouldn't you like that? Why, why wouldn't that sound good?

All right, let's get on with the podcast here. If you knew my podcast, uh, most times I'm in a cunty mood and sometimes I say I'm in a good mood and I still sound a little bit cunty. Um, last week, a lot of people really enjoyed, um, when Joe DeRosa was, uh, guest hosting, co-hosting was being, uh, Joe McMahon and, uh, we got a big debate over what was less healthy, donuts or pancakes. And, uh, I was on the pancake side and everybody seemed to agree with me. And one person actually sent me a little link to show how donuts are made.

After they make the dough and all that, evidently, they fucking deep fry them for like seven days before they even add the jelly in the, in the, in the goo and the coconut and the crap that they put on them and fucking Joe DeRosa is trying to tell me that bisquick, some eggs and some butter and a little bit of syrup is, is, is worse than that. I don't know the syrup might tie it's, it's, it's damn close. You know what it's like? This is what it's like pancakes or the red socks and donuts of the Yankees.

You know, it's basically the difference probably between 180 million and 200 million. Um, oh, look at that. I got an email from the ACDC official store. I'm 41. Let's see what they have to say. Oh, they have a limited edition ACDC t-shirt. That's actually fucking cool. They wrote ACDC on like a Marshall amp pre-order the ACDC backtracks to CD.

Oh, wow, they're getting fucking old. Everybody used to say that they never fucking release shit. Re-release material. They don't like doing it. The ACDC backtracks amplifier t-shirt. What is going on? Let me get back to the podcast and I'll fucking look at this later. All right, we got a lot of shit to get to because last week I shot the shit with

Joe DeRosa and, um, I didn't get a chance to answer a lot of questions or whatever. One of, one of the people actually had a great solution. Remember last, remember a couple of weeks ago when I, when I read that, um, I read that story where that, that guy was flicking the ear of the boyfriend of, uh, of his sister, you know, and they were a little drunk. They were coming from the Cubs game. I'll do a little recap here. And then the, the boyfriend was driving telling the dude to stop and he kept fucking

doing it and then the kid just snapped and he turned around, punched him in the face and knocked his tooth out. So the brother of the sister, um, says, now I have to kick the shit out of that kid. And it has to happen. The kid's been ducking me and I know I'm going to do it. But, um, I just need you to help me explain it to my sister why it has to happen. So I offered, uh, oh yeah, that was last week. That was last week.

See 10 days on the road, you don't even know when the fuck it was. It was last week. So me and Joe DeRosa tried to give this guy some solutions and I hope he's still listening this week and he didn't get pissed off. But, uh, this guy's got a great ear flicks solution. All right. He says, Bill, I have a great way to resolve the fight between the two friends in last week's podcast, two words, flare chop.

All right. For all you re wrestling fans out there originated by the nature boy, Rick flair, you simply, you simply wind up and backhand the person in the chest. My cousin brother and I use it to resolve all arguments between us. The reason it's effective is it hurts like a bitch, but only for a short period of time. It's hilarious for all that watch it and leaves a raised imprint on the person's chest after you flare chop, someone all mal content melts away. I think that's a fucking hilarious, hilarious idea.

So all you got to do, explain to your sister what the flare chop is. And, uh, I think that's perfect because it's not going to be anything permanent. I think it's going to get away. A lot of anger is going to get out. You can, you guys can start over again. And, uh, cause who's kidding who, you know, I'd rather have my ear flicked and get my tooth knocked out, but you were kind of being a cunt. So this is a great way to resolve it and it's fucking hilarious.

Maybe you can turn it into a funny YouTube video and it'll probably get a lot of hits. So, um, I had his off to that wonderful fucking solution. They should give you one of those judge shows. I think you really got a, uh, you really got an act for it. The flare chop, the nature boy, Rick flair. All right. Here's something else. Somebody sent me this week and, um, I don't know.

I didn't really fit into the advice. It didn't really fit into questions, but I thought it was a great point. So this is kind of an op-ed piece. Um, all right. It says, dear Bill, this past week I attended game one of the series between the Dodgers and the Cardinals. Uh, before the game started, there was of course the national anthem. They gather, they gathered, uh, let me move this closer to my eyeball so I can read this.

They gathered probably 50 to 75 or so sailors from the US Navy locally based and they hurled out this huge flag. Um, fast forward to about the fifth inning when they are doing the cheesy jumbo tron spotlight and they put the troops up on the screen. Everyone in the stadium cheers and applaud. That's when I noticed that they had these Navy guys, where they had these Navy guys seated, they were seated in the very top section in the nose bleeds. This is just bullshit to me.

We say we love our troops and they are the greatest citizens, yet we can't afford to upgrade them to at least the outfield or even the second level. Fuck the MLB for using the troops as a way to show their corporate patriotism and then sticking them at the very top of the stadium. Is it really that much to ask for an organization such as the MLB or the Dodgers who I'm, whoever, whomever the decision is up to, to lose just a little bit of money, um, on some seats, the right field bleachers were not even sold out. Fucking ungrateful, fake patriotic cunts.

Um, I don't know about you guys, but I thought he made some great points there. I've seen that a lot of times. They do. Whenever there's a large group of people, be it the troops or some inner city kids, the, the, you know, they always fucking stick them all the way up at the top of the stadium. Uh, you know, that's, that's capitalism for you. You would think though, you know what I mean?

You would think with the troops, the least they could do. Yeah, stick them on the, yeah, stick them on the mezzanine level. You know what I mean? I mean, look, a team like the Yankees, I mean, those, those seats around, who's kidding who, those things are like 1500 a whack. There's no fucking way you could do that. Um, so yeah, stick them on the middle level. I think that's decent, right?

A lot of the shit around the, uh, around home plate, those are seasoned tickets. Maybe they could do that. They could actually have those corporate cunts and some of those rich bastards who have seasoned tickets, give away their tickets for one night. Maybe they do a nice little switch. That'd be a great little thing as a thank you, you know, they switch seats. They let them sit down there and then the corporate guys could pat themselves in the back or what great people they are as they fucking

trudge their way up to the top and look down on all of us the way they've always wanted to. All right. Now let's move on to the next section. This is getting really choppy. I'm trying to think of anything interesting happening, anything interesting. That's something me, my girlfriend always talk about. Do you remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon where, uh, you know,

the monster that actually had arms, but you couldn't see him. He wore the Chuck Taylor high tops. He was all brown and all the hair. You remember that time when Bugs Bunny just sat him down and started doing his nails and doing his hair going months. There's such interesting people. It must be so interesting to be a monster. Do you remember that?

Um, do you? No, I didn't think so. All right. What happened? This, I just lost all momentum. I was doing so fucking well. I don't give a shit. I'm psyched to be home.

I'm really psyched to be home. And if you have a pit bull, you really have to watch out for their head because it's like a fucking bowling ball. And when they get excited, they swing that thing around. It's going to catch you in your chops. It's going to hit you in the throat. And, uh, you're going to have to lay on the ground for a minute. And then they're going to come up with that paintbrush sized fucking

tongue and practically drown you with it. So, um, if you're thinking about getting, getting a pit bull, when you come home after not seeing it for 10 days, you really, you got to kind of, I, I, I come from behind. And what I do is I make sure I have my head away from its head. Even if you get it to the side, it's like a fucking alligator. Just swings it around. Um, I don't know.

The thing is a maniac. All right, let's go. Okay. Interpreting dreams. Um, this is like a new segment that I thought was going to be great. And it never really took off. Um, here's a dream that somebody has. Okay, Bill, last night I dreamt that they, uh, that.

Oh, last night I had a dream that was so damn weird on so many levels. Basically, I was back in the early eighties. I was born in 1990. Okay. So he's born in 1990. If you have for some reason, he's in the 1980s. I mean, I might need some help on this one. Um, and there were, there were gangs all around where I used to live in Reno,

Nevada, it was almost exactly like that movie, The Warriors, but I'd never in my life till today seen that movie. I didn't really think much of it till I watched the movie this morning. And I swear to fucking God that it was so similar to the dream I had. It weirded me out to the point that I'm pretty sure I just failed a biology test today at school because all I could think about was the damn dream. Just the fact that I basically dreamed something that had already been created and that I had just heard they are making a remake is pretty fucking strange.

Any thoughts? Um, yeah, I think you've been working out and you really want to wear a vest with no shirt underneath it. And, uh, you just grew up in a generation where that's unacceptable on all fucking levels, even during Halloween. So, uh, in your dream, you were wishing that you were born during a time when, uh, where you could wear, you could wear a fucking leather vest without a shirt underneath it, you know, maybe join a gang, maybe sing

some doo-wop around a burning trash can. I think that's what your dream meant. It means that, you know what I think it is, you were born in 1990. I bet in your past life, you were actually a member of a gang, you know, as opposed to some regular kid who just goes to college out in fucking Reno and his board shit looks with his life. Right. So he jerks off to porn on the internet.

Isn't any of this, you know, I'm going to do, I'm going to parachute out of this fucking business. This is what I'm going to do right now. Okay. I'm going to fucking, I'm going to do one of those. What are those, what are those, what are those fucking chicks who look like men who tell you future, you know, they got that little snow globe in front of them, where they take the dandruff out of it and all of a

sudden they can see your future. This is what they do. They get a little, they get a little, uh, information about you. And, uh, next thing you know, they just start piecing some shit together. There you go. I should put on some gypsy scarf right now. That's right. In your past life, you were the member of a gang.

And, uh, you know, you got, you got fucking stabbed to death. And, uh, you had plans, you had plans to bring all the gangs together. That's what the fuck you wanted to do. And you, the guy who got shot by fucking Cyrus, was that his name? That's what it is. You wished you were born in a different era as opposed to now where you live this very safe life. You want to be a road warrior and you can't.

What's the matter? Was there some girl you wanted to talk to, but you didn't have the balls to, you know, so in your dreams, you're trying to become like this hard ass. Well, I guess you weren't in a dream. You weren't in a gang in your dream. I don't fucking know. I don't know. Send me more dreams.

I'll get better at it. You know what? Maybe why that's why that segment didn't take off. All right. Let's get back to something a little more proven. This is like doing standup right now. That was like a new bit. It bombed and now I'm going to go to a proven joke that I've told 600

times and make it sound brand new. All right. Here we go. Advice. Bill, uh, I recently got dumped by my girlfriend, um, through behaving like an idiot, to be honest, in her shoes, I would have done the same thing with the difference that I would have given, I would have given me a second chance for the record.

No, I didn't cheat on her. Instead, I found myself getting quite broody. I think that means depressed, uh, with all the heaviness that goes with that. Um, who knew that that can happen to men too. I certainly didn't. What does broody mean? What does it mean to be brooding? Isn't that what, what's his face did and rumble fish, Matt Dillon?

Isn't that how we got all, you got all his, his, uh, his acting work. They used to always say he had the brooding good looks. So what happened? You'd be in the apartment with your girlfriend. She'd be trying to talk to you and you'd be leaned up against one wall, you know, one foot on the floor, the other one up against the wall and she'd be like, what do you want for breakfast? And then you just sort of look, you know, you look to the side.

I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. Did you have a cigarette pack rolled up in your T-shirt? What the fuck is broody? I don't know what that is. Anyways, he, uh, she goes, um, he goes, I believe I'm through that madness now. And yet while I was only with her for about three months, I miss her companionship terribly.

I think he means he was depressed. Anyways, he goes, I sent her some flowers to say I was sorry, but she says she doesn't want to see or talk with me. Although she says she will contact me in the future when some other, other heavy shit she's going through right now is over. Um, I feel I owe the situation one last roll of the dice at the very least. Do you have any suggestions? Yeah, you guys need to not be near each other.

All right. First of all, if you want her to call you back, don't call her. All right, because you're going to sound even more brooding is just standing there crying with a bouquet of flowers or whatever, whatever the fuck you're going through. And then this whole thing where she says, uh, she'll contact you in the future when some heavy shit she's going through right now is over with, you know, I'm thinking of that movie barfly.

You guys both like alcoholics. What is the heavy shit she's got to get through the fucking 12 pound meat hammer she's going to be riding tonight. I'm not trying to be a dick, but, um, look, what you got to do right now, okay? If you were out, sit there brooding and you were all depressed, you're probably not coming across as someone she wants to mate with. Who's going to bring her some strong offspring.

Okay. To get all discovery channel on you. So what you got to do is you got to show her that you're a man. So what you got to do is just let her go. All right. And start going to the fucking gym. All right. Get an eight hours sleep.

You start eating, right? You start, you can make yourself look good. You make improvements in your own life. So the next time she sees you, if you run into her, you look great. All right. What was that fucking Rodney danger, danger field thing? What was that movie where they were doing the Serino de Berger act shit? Remember that?

Chico tell her you're the man. Remember that? That's what you got to do. Next time she sees you, you're the, you're fucking confident. Nah, that's bad advice. What are you going to pretend to be confident? I don't know. I'm just saying, you know what, dude, focus on yourself, get your own shit together.

You know, and don't wait for her to call you, you know, start working out, eating, right, getting some sleep, go do some shit. You always wanted to fucking do, you know, and go out to the, you know, go out to clubs, start talking to girls who are quote unquote way out of your league. See what, see what the fuck happens, you know, but the last thing you want to do right now, I swear to God, is to sit around thinking about that girl or calling her or sending her flowers in a box of chocolates and all that shit because, you know, she needs a break from you, I think.

And granted, once again, I give out this advice knowing that I didn't really go to college. I did, but it doesn't really count. And I have no background whatsoever. And I don't fucking read. So you're on your own. If you take my advice, I take no responsibility for this shit whatsoever. All right. And not to mention, there's a zillion fucking chicks out there.

Why don't you go join one of those dating services? That's a great fucking way to get laid, you know. Someone was talking to me about that the other day, you know. There's like two of them. One of them is about really getting into a relationship and the other one's just about fucking. Join the one that's just about fucking and go down to BJ's wholesale and get some condoms and bang away. All right. But the last thing you want to do is to get all fucking depressed about this shit and waste another couple months of your life.

Brooding. All right. Dust yourself off. Get back in the game. All right. All right. Next one. Hey, Bill, I got an interesting situation going on.

I've been really good friends with this guy friend. Oh, dude, this is a, this is a fucking great question. I don't even know if I can answer this one. So I'm going to need some help. All right. Hey, Bill, I got an interesting situation going on. I've been really good friends with this guy friend of mine for, for like four years. We're super tight talk all the time.

Say, I love you regularly. Finish each other's sentences. That's sort of crap. Well, one day I call him and found out that he had stopped mid hookup with a girl to answer my phone call. When I asked why he said it was because I was the most important girl in the world to him right in front of the girl. He was getting play from my question to you is, does this do dig me or is he just a great friend? And if he does, why hasn't he ever made a move? Wow.

Okay. All right. There we go. It's not an original fucking question in a way, but it is because this is with two dudes now. Yeah. Jesus Christ. How the fuck do I answer this one? Yeah.

There's something fucking going on there the way you write about it. You guys are in a relationship. It sounds like, yeah, I don't know what his deal is. He's definitely curious. I can tell you that. I don't know. I've never tried to figure out if a dude like me like that, but it's really making me uncomfortable. That's why I like this fucking question.

Yeah, I think you got to figure out what's going on. You know, but I got to be honest with you. I'll give you the same advice that if you were, if this was like a woman and she keeps acting like that around you, but she's hooking up with some other guy, then I'd be like, fuck her, walk away. So I'll give you the same advice. Fuck this dude. He hasn't, you know, if he is gay, he's not ready to admit it yet. And what are you going to do? Stand around like some fucking, some fucking guy who stands around.

Fuck that. Go down to fiddlesticks. Whatever. What the fuck? There was actually a gay bar called that. I remember there was a stand up gig in Boston. Someone of my friends did it. It's called, it's called fiddlesticks.

Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, go down to the bar. Do what you guys do. Work out, get the fucking abs going. Put on a tight shirt. Just don't hook up with a creepy older guy. That's something I noticed when I'm living in New York in LA. There's always like a creepy older guy with a younger gay dude.

Like he's teaching him how to be gay or something. Are they like gold diggin gay guys out there? Cause I really don't, cause guys are visual fucking people. You know what I mean? So I don't know how the fuck that goes down. And I'll tell you right now, I don't want to. So whatever dude, I don't know what your deal is. Confront him or fucking move on.

Cause you know, if he actually is gay and he's still out there banging women. You know what I'm telling you, you're only on earth for a very short period of time. Your time is valuable. You got to put a value on it. Just like that guy before you, okay? That chick fucking took off. Now he's standing there walking around trying to hand her flowers. She's still giving them the Heisman.

And then that's when you got to be like, that's when you got to get some fucking self-esteem. And be like, look, I'm better than this. I'm the shit. I'm telling you the solutions. You always go to the gym. You listen to some fucking music. That's how I do it. You know, if I can get some sleep, you start looking good.

You feel good about yourself and then you go out and you talk to somebody who really you have no business talking to. And they shoot you down and then you have a couple more drinks and you start thinking about the person that made you want to do that. The first place and you go back into the depression, but you wake up the next day and you do it over again. It's six weeks, people. Six weeks. You got to tough it up for six fucking weeks and you'll get out of it. So good luck to the both of you. All right.

That's a good question. Hey, Bill, this is a hockey question. That's another reason why I'm psyched to be back on the road is now I can finally actually watch some hockey games ordering the NHL package today, much to my girlfriend's chagrin. A hockey question. Hey, Bill, you seem to be a knowledgeable person when it comes to hockey. So I figure it would be best to ask you. Being that I live in New Orleans where there's no hint of an organized hockey and very few televised game. I am very limited on my knowledge of the sport, even though I love it.

I basically I basically cheer for Detroit, the Kings, the avalanche, the devils and the mighty ducks. All right, you can tell you don't know a lot about hockey if you chew, if you root for both the red wings and the avalanche. That's like rooting for the Buckeyes and the Wolverines, the Red Sox and the Yankees, the Longhorns and the Sooners. You know, the troops in the Al-Qaeda, the different sides, dude, you got to pick a side on that one. Anyways, let's get to his question. Now, my question is, what is wrong with the mighty ducks? Why are they not considered a respectable team? I went to a buddy's house to watch a hockey game this weekend and was basically booed.

That's funny to get booed in the living room, booed into oblivion because I was wearing a ducks jersey in parentheses because it's the only one I own. I was told by him as well as the seven other people present that the reason for hating the ducks has nothing to do with the way they play, but rather it's the fact that the ducks are not a real team. Is this a general feeling amongst real hockey fans? Or am I just dealing with some bonehead friends? Let me know and thanks in advance. All right, this is the deal. I don't know how old you are, but do you remember the mighty ducks was a movie?

It was a Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez, Estevez, however the fuck you say his name. And it was a kid movie. It was basically the bad news bears on ice, which was the worst fucking collection of kids. Emilio Estevez probably had relationship problems and he learned a lot about himself while working with the kids. And then for some reason, there's this unbelievable hottie who's really into the fucking kids and sees something in him that he didn't know happened. And then they hook up and then somewhere along the line, they have a big fight and then he has to get her back. And meanwhile, there's some big hockey game. And I imagine the coach of the other team, Emilio Estevez already fucking knows on some level and that dude always wins in life.

And now this is his chance. You know what? I bet that coach from the other team is dating that hot girl and then they hook up. Is that how it works? Is that how the movie was? I could never watch it because by the time it came out, I was like fucking 25 years old. Yes, I'm that fucking old. So anyways, yeah, the team. So the movie was evidently a big hit. They made like two or three of them and along the way, Disney bought a hockey team.

And because of the corporate cunt mentality, they named it the Mighty Ducks. Okay. That's the history of that team. Now, the NHL, the history of the NHL is it used to be six teams and six of the angriest, most psychotic fucking cities in North America. Fighting was legal. You smashed sticks over people's heads. You know, Teddy Green had to get a plate in his fucking head. It's a maniac fucking sport.

And then they show up like, hi, we're the Mighty Ducks. Lay some up fuckers. It's already difficult when you have this many teams because they really are out of ferocious animals to name teams after. So now they're kind of naming them after different kinds of weather or generalism, you know, like the storm, the thunder, the lightning, the cold front. You don't fucking, you know what I mean? Or they categorize the predators. I still don't know what a thrasher is. What is a thrasher?

That's a kind of metal, speed metal, right? Anyways, so anyways, that's why people, they don't like the Ducks because hockey is like a rogue sport and it's never been accepted by the mainstream, nor will it ever. And then all of a sudden they came in with the Mighty Ducks and they really left themselves wide open. But the thing about, they got rid of the Mighty, so now they're just called the Ducks. And the funny thing about the Ducks is the kind of hockey that they play, they play like a really physical in your face. Like I love the style of hockey that they play. And even though they just traded fucking Chris Pronger. You know, I gotta admit, I'm starting to like the Philadelphia Flyers because there's something about them that I can relate to in my life.

And that's the fact that in the mid 70s, they won two Stanley Cups by beating the shit out of people. Okay, that's not what I'm relating to, but they had an angle that was successful. And since then, they have failed miserably with the whole, we're going to beat the shit out of you to win a Stanley Cup. But goddamn it, it doesn't, they have not diverted from that game plan, one iota since 1974-75. They are still trying to, even though the league has changed completely, they are still trying to beat the shit out of people. And you know, they added Chris Pronger because they think this is what we're going to be able to compete against the fucking Capitals and the Pittsburgh Penguins. And what do they do? They fucking lose six to five and then they have a big fight at the end. And I relate to that because I have, there's certain things in my life that I've been trying to solve with the exact same approach.

And I fail every fucking time, but I for some reason can't get out of this rut. So I'm getting the NHL package today and I'm telling you, if you want to get into hockey, watch the Penguins Flyers games all this year. There's not going to be one boring one. I know a lot of people don't like when I talk about sports, but I don't give a fuck. I got to tell you, I'm concerned about my Bruins. I don't know why they traded Phil Kessel. I don't get it. Why you would trade a young guy who's your number one goal scorer and you trade him for draft picks. I could see if he was 35 and he was past his prime, then you're like, okay, we got to get young. But so many draft picks, they don't, they turn out to be nothing.

And you actually had a young guy who scored like 39 fucking goals and he missed some games last year, man. Stupid, fucking stupid. I don't like it. I don't like it. All right. So there you go, dude. That's why they don't like the ducks. So fuck them. Just learn a little bit more about hockey. Then you won't say things like I'm, I like the Red Wings and the Avalanche. But good for you, man. Good for you. Like at hockey down there in New Orleans. All right. Next question. Hey, Bill. I'm in a little bit of a dilemma. I'm 35 years old and I have a 30 year old. Oh Jesus Christ.

I'm reading the one from last year. Am I all out of, did I scroll down too far? I thought I had some questions here. Oh, there's the questions. All right. Here's some questions that I'm going to end the podcast here. Wait a second. Yeah, here we go. Questions. Bill, if your family, siblings, parents and close friends are turning into zombies, then you could kill them. I mean, like totally kill them because if they are zombies, they would, they would technically be dead. Also, in addition to that, would you have to kill, would you have to kill them in a special way because they are special to you, like a quick death bullet to the head? Or would you just take a baseball bat to them? Would you look forward to it?

I know I'd love it if someone I didn't like became a zombie so I could have a legitimate excuse for killing them and getting away with it. Yes. Some people I'd love to take my time with. Okay. That's a fucked up question. All right. He's basically asking me if my, all my friends and loved ones turned into zombies. Could, would I kill them? All right. In the old days, when zombies could just walk slowly, I would run away from them. And unless cornered, like in the Michael Jackson thriller video, obviously, yes, I would kill them rather than sitting there getting eaten alive. Now, with today's zombie 2.0, where they can run and that type of shit without a doubt, yes, I would kill them because it isn't them anymore. And I want to live. And would I do it quickly? I try to do it quickly, but if I didn't have anything, if I only had something that would go slowly, then I would use something that would go slowly. You know, I don't know. You know what? I was actually on the road and I saw that, that zombie movie.

What is that one? Zombie land or something like that. And I don't know, it's because I wasn't in a crowded movie theater. I was a little, little, little disappointed. But I heard there's something out there, this, this new ghost movie called like photosynthesis or something paranormal. Evidently, it's supposed to be the scariest movie of the last 10 years and I'm going to go see it before somebody fucking ruins it for me. So with that, that is the podcast for this week. Please try to avoid U.S. air if you can. American Airlines is also another airline that is also $25 a bag. And I'm going to complain and I would like to encourage all of you because they really put you in this position where you feel like there's nothing you can do. I think that regular customers really need to get more vocal. This is just my opinion. I'm not getting preachy here, but I really see no end to these greedy cunts just taking another bite out of your ass until we push back a little bit. So next time you get fucked over, ask for a website, send some emails, do whatever the fuck you can. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm really, I'm really, I don't know what. So what you know what I'm going to do right now, I'm going to thank everyone who came out to see me over the last six weeks.

Okay. From Stockholm to Boston to Philly, all the people in Addison who came out to see me, all the people at the stress factory in New Jersey who've been coming out to see me for years. And in Pittsburgh, which all of a sudden, man, I mean, that's a really hard ticket for comedians to sell out there. I sold out two shows and the other two shows were all the way to like literally the last row. And, you know, it's seriously, man, no jokes here. It's, it's, it's an unbelievable feeling. You know, I worked 17 years to get to this point to actually have people like my comedy the way you guys do. And to come out to my shows is fucking awesome. And I gotta admit, there's always a little bit of panic every time I walk into a showroom where I'm like, fuck, is this the week where everybody's over me? And it goes back to 25 fucking people, you know, so that's it. Thank you for keeping the dream alive for another fucking week. And, and I think, I think that's it. And I also want to thank Jim and Randy at WDVE in Pittsburgh for hooking me up with the unbelievable corned beef sandwiches and let me run my mouth on your great radio show. The Opie and Anthony show. Who the fuck else? I got to start thanking those radio shows because those guys really fucking really helped me out. And, and also, I want to thank everybody who came out for the, I got a buddy of mine who's, who's, he's really battling a sickness right now.

And I went up and did a benefit at Giggles, which is a great comedy club. If you live up in the Boston area, Mike Clark, Lenny Clark's brother runs it and we did this great benefit for this comedian, Kevin Knox, just one of the great fucking comedians. I'll tell you a quick story. I started this business in 1992. And when I did, it was basically at the end of the 1980s comedy boom. It was almost like the housing market or the internet bubble in that there was a bunch of people making way more money than they should have been. And there had to be a correction in the market. So basically I started in 1992. And when I was working during the first couple years of my career, I worked with a lot of guys who used to be making way more money and used to be headlining. Sort of the guys like the B and C level headliners. All right. And I got to tell you, there was a number of them who I will say were not so nice to work with. Basically, they tried to discourage me from being a comedian, you know, I'm not talking about the big guns, the big guns who were in Boston still were drawn and they were still doing well. But there was like, there was some B and C level guys that I ran into and they would say shit like, you know, you'd be there on like a Thursday or a Wednesday night gig. And there'd be like fucking 30 people in the crowd, 40 people and they'd be going, look at this shit, man.

You know, I'll tell you, man, two fucking years ago, three years ago, there would have been a line around the block. You know, I'll tell you, man, if I was your age, I wouldn't even get into this shit. You know, I quit right now. Man, if I was your age, if I could do this over again, I never would have done it yet. And I swear to God, I used to live there with like a gun in my mouth, you know. But, you know, there was this one comic, this guy, Kevin Knox, I used to go down to a show and he was just a fucking great guy. And he would absolutely, you know, just a fucking great guy. He totally encouraged you, positive guy, not a jealous bone, not an envious bone, competitive, none of that shit, just a fucking great dude. And me and all my buddies used to go down, he'd put us up on his show and not only was he a great guy,

I really learned how to follow somebody or attempt to follow somebody because this guy was so fucking funny. You know, when he hosted a show, we used to joke that he didn't host a show, he used to take breaks from killing. Because that's what he would do, he'd go up and he would just be killing and then be like, alright, I'm going to bring up your next act. And then, you know, he'd bring up a fucking 23-year-old me and I'd have to go up there and hang on for dear life. And it really helped me out when I went down to New York and I had to go on after like, you know, I'd go on after a guy who had his own TV show and, you know, the nervousness of that when you first started out being a comedian. And I was a much better comic because he gave me, you know, the opportunity to, you know, be on his shows and stuff. And so anyways, we had a big benefit forum up in Boston at Giggles Comedy Club and it was a huge success.

And, you know, he's battling some shit right now, so my prayers are going out to him. And I want to thank my Clark for having that great benefit, letting me come up, being a part of it. It was really one of the great nights in my career. It was just a fucking awesome night. It was great to see all the guys there and seeing the long time. So that is it. That is it for the podcast this week. Thank you everybody for listening. Please keep sending your questions. I am off this week. I'm not doing shit. And what do I got next? I got coming up. I got the improv in DC.

I didn't know the fucking dates. You know what? Why don't I get more organized? Improv in DC. I know, actually, I know one date that I can actually hype right now. I'm playing Town Hall in New York City, which is a, it's a huge date for me to play a theater date in New York City. And that's going to be on, what the fuck is it? November 6, 2009. All right. I'm going to be at Town Hall in New York City. Tickets are going fast, everybody. All right. Last I checked, there's only a couple hundred left.

And I have all the information up on billburr.com, B-U-R-R. If you've never been to New York City, it's a great excuse to go down there. You're basically going to be watching my next stand up special live that I'll be taping the next month in San Francisco. Because I got the set order down and all I got to do is just keep doing it. So I'd really appreciate it if you come out and support me. Okay, there's the date. I'll be playing the Improv in Washington, D.C. October 22nd, 23rd, and 24th. Improv in Tempe, Arizona. I got Hilarities in Cleveland coming up, Giggles in Seattle.

And then that's it. And then I take my special. So these shows are all very important to me. Please come on out. I'll be selling my DVDs afterwards. Makes a great stock and stuffer. Plus, you got that person. It's just a great gift to get somebody. You don't have to buy mine. Buy another comedian's fucking DVD, but it's a great fucking thing. You know, for that person on your list, where you're just like, God, do I got to get this fucking person something?

You know, 20 bucks, bang bang, boom, you're fucking done. Throw it at him. Make sure the corner hits him right in the side of the fucking head. Merry goddamn Christmas. That is it. That's the podcast for this week. Once again, thanks for everybody for listening, and I will talk to you guys again next Monday. Have a great week. All right, bye. Bye. I just thought I was in the promo, so he picked up my lusher.

Van alles neem ik twee en hoe men. Van ons hier zal ik pasen. Ramadham oe berg. Geniet van pasen en ramadan met het verrassend en divers assortiment van Albert Heijn. En kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op TheWerldInHetKlijn.be. Dat is het lekkerde van Albert Heijn.