Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-13-16

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

Bill rambles about creepy songs, NHL hockey and military chauffeurs.

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And I woke up this morning, ba-do-ba-do-boop. And that stupid fucking song was in my head. And you might want to fast forward or it's going to be in your head. I'll give you three seconds. Three, two, one, right? I fucking wake up in this stupid ass song. I hate this fucking couch, god damn it. You know, just how do you make a couch uncomfortable?

The whole fucking point is that the whole fucking job of a couch is that it's comfortable. It's better than standing. Anyways, I wake up in the morning. Well, it's the shape of a couch. I thought that's all you needed. For the record, it's not my couch, all right? It's not my house. I'm out of my fucking house.

And you know, the whole fucking, you know, the whole thing, oh, we're going to do this. We're going to do that. We'll be in and out in two fucking seconds. I've gone over to my house like three days and rode a workout. There's nobody there. Oh, the guy who had to do the thing. He got tied up at another job.

And I know, I know, I know. Been down this road before. Anyways, the song that was in my fucking head. Remember that fucking song? I something something and I something to blah, blah, blah, blue, blue, blah, blah, blue. We had joy. We had fun. We had seasons in the sun, but the song that's been in my fucking head.

It's such a creepy fucking song. I still don't really know what it's about. Every time I hear the song like once every 15 years, and then I really listen to the lyrics. I'm like, what the fuck? You know what? I'm going to look it up right now. The guy just sings real creepy like, oh, mother dear, why did you die?

I'm sure he doesn't say that. The fuck? We had joy. We had fun lyrics. All right, here we go. Goodbye to you, my trusted friend. I knew it was creepy. We've known each other since we were nine or 10.

Together we've climbed hills and trees, learned of love and ABCs, skinned our hearts and skinned our knees. Okay, so he's got the creepy childhood out of the way. Goodbye, my friend. It's hard to die when all the birds are singing in the sky. Now that spring is in the air, pretty girls are everywhere. Think of me and I'll be there. Well, they both gay and now they're trying to like, you know, they weren't accepted.

So like, you know, they're feeling the pressures to try to live a straight life or did this person die? And if he's dead, how the fuck is he singing this shit? We had joy. We had fun. We had seasons in the sun, but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time. Goodbye, Papa. Please pray for me. I was the black sheep of the family.

I was a drug user. You tried to teach me right from wrong too much wine and too much song. Oh yeah, he's partying. Wonder how I got along. Goodbye, Papa. It's hard to die. Oh Jesus Christ. Shut the fuck up.

You know what? This guy's not dying. He just wants attention. You don't fuck that song and I'm sorry I brought it up. How are you everybody? How's it going on this Thursday afternoon? Oh Jesus, what happened last night? Well, the National Hockey League started their season last night.

I gotta tell you the story of the night. It's gotta be that Austin Matthews. Dude, what a fucking game. Austin Matthews. Austin Matthews. Austin Matthews. One more time for the amount of goals he scored. Austin fucking Matthews.

Four goals in his debut in the NHL. So fucking cool is his parents were in the crowd. His mother started crying after the hat trick. And you know, no one knows who he is. Nobody's paying attention. And all of a sudden I was just like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey! All right, next scene.

Hey, you guys got four fucking goals. So immediately after the game, of course, they're going like, do you feel a pressure now that you're going to score four goals every game? You know what it is? It's his second goal. There was just too many moves. Too many people's fucking legs he went around. Put the puck through, lifted the fucking stick.

And then there was like half an inch between the goalie and the post. And he somehow found it. I mean, it was just fucking amazing game. So I bet everybody in Toronto has to be really excited about that. And my Boston Bruins start tonight. See what they got. I don't even know. I just know they start tonight.

Boston Bruins. Here we go. Bruins. Here we go. Oh, Jesus. The Columbus blue jackets. Why does Columbus have a team? And why do they name it the blue jackets?

Well, you know, it's named after the Union soldiers of Civil War. Oh, is it? Is that what it is? You know, I believe a long time ago, you guys had a fucking team. They had a fucking team and the Cleveland something or others. And then they fucking, I used to know that name, the Cleveland Barons or something. And the whole fucking thing, it like it didn't even move to another city. It just died.

All right. The Cleveland Barons. Yeah. The Cleveland Barons were a professional hockey team in the National Hockey League from 1976 to 1978. That's all, that's all, that's all the love. Cleveland's a big 10 fucking state and then professional sports. All right.

Ohio State's been around longer than any of those people. All right. There was a relocation of the California, oh, the real California golden seals. That's right. Moved. Um, which had played in Oakland since 1967, then they moved, they basically can't play in Ohio for that. They died in California.

Man, talk about it out of the frying pan and into the fire. They moved from Oakland to Cleveland. Had the owner of that team ever watched hockey and kind of got it. I mean, I guess it is a cold weather state, but Jesus Christ, after only two, two seasons, the team merged with the Minnesota North stars. Now Dallas stars. Oh, they merged. I thought they just thought they just folded as a result.

The NHL field at only 17s during 17 teams during the 78, 79 season as a 2016. The Barons remain the last franchise in the four major North American sports leagues to cease operation. Ohio did not have another NHL team until the Columbus blue jackets joined the league in the, in the year 2000. Um, so there's that. There you go. Now, now, now you know what that's about.

Um, all right. So I am chomping at the fucking bit, everybody. You're probably wondering why Bill, what, what's, what's different about this day than any other day in your life. Um, I'm taping my next standup special standup special number five, I believe. Right. Why do I do this? Let it go.

I feel the same. I'm sorry. You feel that way. I don't have a name for this one yet. How about old freckles? You've done it again. Oh, Magoo, you've done all freckles. You've done it again.

Um, yeah, but I am, I've been doing some spots around town last night. I have not been drinking. I've been fucking working out, you know, trying to get fucking into HD shape. You know what I mean? That's the thing about all these broads bitching about here in Hollywood, Hollywood creates these body images. It happens to everybody. Nobody wants to be a fat fuck on television.

Forget about this, the new HD shit. We can literally see the cartilage in somebody's fucking nose. I mean, you can't go, you can't be boozy. You can't be anything. Everybody do what the fuck happened to you. Right. You got to go out there and shape. All right, ladies.

So quit your fucking whining. Get on the goddamn treadmill like everybody else. Um, it's just hard. It's harder for women to lose weight. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Definitely harder for women to lose weight with all those free fucking drinks you get. You know, those are empty calories.

You know what I mean? Think about being a man is you have to pay for your empty calories and the fucking person you brought in a lot of the times. Um, oh, who knows? Maybe these new, the millennials now, now that they're, they're more progressive. And I've, I've just sort of left the herd now. And now I'm the old guys spouting crazy shit from yesteryear. Maybe the ladies go in now and they just walk up and they say, Hey, good looking.

I, uh, I like your stubble and your suspenders. Uh, would you like, uh, would you, what do they call a micro brew? What do they call it? What do they call those fucking things? Those ridiculously stupid fucking beers that all taste the goddamn same. They all have way too many hops in them. You know, they're heavy as shit. Every fucking one of them brood right down the street.

Yeah. It tastes like it. You do it in your bathtub. Um, Mike, not micro brew. What do they call those fucking things? Not micro brews. It is that, but they got a new name for it. Oh, you know, it's amazing.

I know this is going to surprise you, but, but the name escapes me. Um, so anyways, I'm going to be warming up for my, uh, my special starting Saturday night in Washington, DC, our nation's capital. Okay. Um, I'm just going to walk around to anybody who's in government. Right. And I'm just going to scream really in their face. That's, that's my goal during the week.

Just walk down the street just saying that to everybody. I'm just blaming them because my choices are Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. That's, that's just what I'm doing. Anybody with the fucking blue blazer and a red or a blue tie. I'm grabbing them by the shoulder. You're not going to do that. I would love to do it. I would like to do it, but you know, post nine 11, you can't walk around doing

shit like that. And I don't want to get into a fight. I'm an old man. You know, I'm going to tell you that time I went down. I looked at the Pentagon like a couple of about six months after nine 11. I must have told you that story. Right. By the way, I'm at the national theater.

I forgot to say that there are still tickets left because I'm kind of doing this weird run in this theater that usually has like the lion king. And I'm also doing like a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I'm there Saturday to Wednesday. So it's kind of weird. A lot of school night shit. So, you know, if you want to come down to watch me fucking do the, my pregame analysis on my fucking standup set, I'm going crazy because I got to take this

fucking thing because I have all this other new shit that wants to come out. And I feel like I'm stuck in time here. So it has to happen. Um, but anyways, post nine 11. All right. I was in New York on nine 11. I was on the Upper East side, the East seventies all the way by the East River. And, uh, you know, there's a lot of like old wives tales told by people who lived in

New York during that time. Dude, you wouldn't have known anything was going on. It was a fucking beautiful day. And even as it went down, as it collapsed and all that, when I walked outside, I didn't see anything in the air or anything. And that was like a couple of miles away. And if it wasn't on television, I never would have even known that it happened. All I remember was walking around the Upper East side trying to block out what

the fuck just happened, like a typical Irish, German, Irish Catholic, um, sad feelings, block them out, act like nothing's happening. And, uh, I just remember walking around up there and like the fucking, there was people. It was so weird to me because Upper East side, there are a bunch of, you know, people who actually could afford it to buy an apartment. You know, a lot of them came from fucking money or what? I don't know what the hell they did.

But they were sitting outside on that beautiful sunny day where that horror was going down there and they were eating, uh, you know, breakfast and shit. And everybody felt had that weird sort of like, I feel like I should be doing something, but what? Um, can I get the salmon on the eggs Benedict? Um, I remember one time when I went to a fucking wedding, this asshole, it's rich cunt. I told me, I said, yeah, I just moved to New York City.

He goes, where do you live? And I was like, I lived on 97th between third and Lex. And he goes, oh yeah, what building? I remember thinking like, what even what building? And I told him the address. And I didn't realize what a fucking country rich person question that is. Cause you know when those giant high rises, they always have to have a name like the Gotham, you know, the Bilderberg or whatever.

But if you just, you know, that's like big thing in New York, it's a doorman elevator building. Uh, it's a, you know, a, a ridiculous amount of square footage with the fucking view or you had what I had on the Upper East side, which I actually, I mean, the only thing I hated, I lived on, uh, 79th in York. If you live in New York, there's a cluster of buildings over there near that park where they have that pool. Um, it's a great fucking park.

And they had like pull up bars and shit. I don't know. Hope they still have them used to go over there all the fucking time. And occasionally when I go to New York, I still go to that park if I'm in the area, cause most gyms for whatever reason, don't have pull up bars. They had like monkey bars, place to do dips. Um, and then they had this pool and they had like adult time and shit. It was fucking great.

So you could swim laps with all these other old people. It was awesome. But there was this cluster of old buildings and, um, I think there were like six floor walk-ups and I lived on the fifth floor and you had to like fucking walk like city blocks. I had to walk up to York over the first, second, third, and then was it Lexington was next and then down two blocks to 77th Street, which four months of the year it wasn't bad.

It was actually a nice walk, but all the rest of it, either the humidity or how cold it was, it was a motherfucker. I used to wait for the crosstown bus just to stay out of, just to have a little bit of air conditioning or a little bit of heat. Um, except when the kids got out of school, I don't know what the fuck it is about the York City kids, but they are fucking lunatics. They are fucking lunatics. I don't know if it's because they see too much or whatever, but they are just

completely fucking out of control. Like their behavior is just fucking, I just remember just sitting there like none of these kids have ever gotten spanked or something. Jesus. I mean, I just would be sitting there just like, I want to beat this shit out of every fucking kid on this bus. The girls too. So anyways, I'm fucking digressing here.

So, you know, I went down and I saw it like after 9-11 that one piece of the World Trade was standing up. I went down, I saw that. And I remember down the comedy cellar for a month after it was still burning. I'll never forget that smell. So I went down to DC. I mean, I knew by then you knew that this was a changing moment in history and it was just like, you know, I wanted to see like, you know, go over to the

Pentagon and see how bad the damage was. So I didn't realize I was such an idiot. I didn't realize that the Pentagon is like the Pentagon. I thought the Pentagon was also kind of like the Lincoln Memorial. Like you could just kind of go to it as a tourist, which you can, but I just, there's like a subway stop and you just get off at the Pentagon and I'm walking around. There's all these people in like plain clothes and then you'd see people in

like Air Force outfits or Marine outfits. And so I was thinking, all right, they work here, but everybody else in plain clothes is like me. I didn't realize that they all kind of fucking worked there and nobody, it's like an office. It's a giant fucking office building in the shape of a Pentagon. So I start looking around. I mean, you know, it's basically a circle with points on it, right?

That's what a Pentagon is. How many sides do a Pentagon build? Oh, I don't, I don't know. It's more than five. It's a triangle, then there's a hexagon, then there's a proplexagon. I don't know what the fuck it is. And you know what? I knew it when I had to know it for the test and that's never come up in my

life. You know what I mean? You got a quartet. You got a quintet. That's jazz. I'm out of math. I'm into jazz, but isn't music just numbers put together beautifully? Sorry.

So I'm like, I'm standing there in this pointy fucking circle going, do I go to the right? Do I go to the left? I kind of go left. Then I go right. Then I start walking back left. Then I'm just fucking start walking around this thing. I'm trying to peek around the corner.

I'm like, maybe I should have gone the other way. And I'm basically not realizing it. I'm looking shifty as hell. And of course there's like 50 fucking cameras on me. Like what the fuck is this dude doing? Right. And I'm walking. I'm looking around.

And all of a sudden this fucking, was it a Jeep or a golf cart? I don't know what's just pulls up next to me. And this fuck, this fucking guy gets out. Like he, you know, when powers booth ever plays a military guy, he was like that with a beret. Like that's how much he was decorated. It seemed. No, no, no, he didn't have all that shit, but he had some shit on his fucking shirt.

All right. And he had the beret. And I remember he got out and he was like doing that thing. You know, when someone's about to snap your neck and they're smiling at the same time, like that was the look on his face. Like, like he was showing me his teeth, smiling, but everything else just basically said is I'm going to pull your fucking throat out like McGroober. And he came up and he's just like, Hey buddy, what are you doing?

And he was like looking through to the back of my head and immediately I was just like, Oh, you know, I was just, and I was just, then I didn't know what to say. And I was like, Oh my God, what if he knew one of the people that died here? And I was just like, Oh, I was just, uh, you know, my comedian. I'm in town playing Teddy's house of comedy and, uh, and just then he's, he fucking took my name and then it, then it dawned on me why they were coming up to me. And the whole thing just made sense. Like, Oh, this is like a military building built.

This isn't the Jefferson Memorial. Um, you're walking around one of the most top secret fucking places and you're looking around and you look like a crazy white guy, right? So then it just struck me as funny. And then all, I was trying to hold back a laugh, right? Classic white privilege here, right? I could actually have this guy come up to me outside the Pentagon and I can still find the humor in it because I know I'm not going to get arrested.

Right. Is that what white privilege is? I don't know. I'm stuck in this wonderful fucking position. I'm just going to steer into that now and people just say white privilege. I'll be like, Oh yeah, it's unbelievable. Woo. Anyways, what was I saying?

Okay. So the fucking guy, um, he's taken down my name and then I kind of have like this shitty grin on my face. Cause you know, at that point they both, they all kind of, cause it was the guy who drove the Jeep who was like fucking Tom Cruise and taps. He just couldn't let it go. Right. So I kind of feel him staring at me like a fucking lunatic.

And I'm like, well, if this guy here with all the shit on his shirt, I can feel him letting me go. You're not going to arrest me. The driver of the Jeep joined the military to be a fucking chauffeur. Go fuck yourself. So now the comic in me is starting to come up and I want to irritate this guy. So I really start fucking smiling or what I was like, yeah, man, sorry. I go, Hey man, you want to come out to the show and blah, blah, blah.

And the guys see, you know, he's, he's kind of gone down from I'm going to fucking rip your throat out to kind of like, uh, maybe I'll just, you know, I don't know what, stick a bayonet in your side. He's kind of down to that. Is that less? I don't know. Whatever the fuck it is. Uh, I'll just waterboard you.

He sees his, his look of craziness is I'm just going to waterboard you now. And, um, I got to the end and he's like, all right. And he gets in the Jeep and the other guy was just staring fucking, uh, like daggers at me, the Jeep. And I was just looking right at him, smiling. And he goes, no, he goes, you're free to keep walking around this thing. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, nah, man, I'm cool.

I'm cool. I don't need anybody else driving up to you with a fucking Jeep. So they go to drive away. And as they were driving away, I remember the guy in the Jeep, the guy driving like yelled, I think he was trying to make me jump. Like he drove away. I just heard this like that. And I didn't jump.

And I just sort of, I, without like looking back, I just put my hand up and waved at him. And, uh, and that's my fucking Pentagon story. So anyways, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to DC. And, um, this is the greatest thing flying in Friday. This is the greatest fucking thing. Every mother fucking time I fly into DC, like an asshole. I forget that Washington Dulles airport is like 30 fucking miles.

I don't know. I can't even know where it is. North Southwest of DC. I don't know what I just know it's 30 fucking miles away. All right. And if I leave here at like nine in the morning, by the time I get out there, it's going to be right in the middle of rush hour. And it absolutely fucking sucks.

And every time I do it, I always go, oh fuck, I should have flown into Reagan. Reagan's right downtown. Every city has that cute little mom and pop airport like Dallas. You don't fly into the fucking bingo, bingo one. You go to Lovefield. Just like John Kennedy did way back in 1963. You fly into that one. That's where you want to go.

You don't want to go to the big ones. You fucking get in. You get out. It's lovely. Lovely. It's cute little fucking airport. So not that Reagan's that small. I mean, it's a fucking was a giant airport back in the day.

And I think they just, I don't know, the population was too close to the White House. I have no fucking watch list. Am I going to be on on this podcast? All these buzzwords, 9 11 twin towers. I said, Pentagon Pentagon and White House. And I named both candidates that are running for president and I'm going to the nation's capital. All right, you might not want to want to go to Saturday show. You might want to wait till I get out of fucking being detained.

God knows that guy driving in the jeeps probably worked his way up. You know, I probably motivated him, you know, like Obama motivated fucking Trump. You know, when he trashed him at that fucking rich person breakfast or whatever the fuck it was. Fuck, I got to take this phone call. Hang on one second, hang on, hang on. Okay, I'm back. So anyways, yeah, Obama made like when Obama made fun of fucking Trump at that senior breakfast, whatever the fuck it was. And I think that that like there's a theories that that's what motivated him to run for president, which, you know, as much as I don't like the guy, that's pretty fucking awesome.

And he was like, you know what, fuck this, I'm going to take that guy's who the fucking just sit there and think something like that and then to actually do it. Even if you are Trump, that's fucking amazing. Anyways, I think I got to read a little advertising here. No, I don't want to. I really don't feel sometimes you just don't feel like reading. And for me, that's been my entire adult life. I had enough of it when I was in school, you know, it's like, yeah, just handing you shit to read. You know, in the words of that English woman when that Saudi Arabian kid drove by with his fucking gold wrapped Lamborghini going, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop it. That's what I wanted to say. That was the inner me. They'd hand it. You need to read the chapter one into chapter chill by Monday. Stop it. All right, zip. Oh, it's a friend zip.

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Even see celebrities like me. Oh, look at that. They're making me be fucking self-deprecating. See, I'm one level above Kathy Griffin, though. She's on the D-list. That's why she never wears jeets. I've got a pair of the raw denim. No, I don't.

Why do they do this? All right, let's just get to the fucking brass tax here. All right, guys, do you want fucking cheap jeans that look like they're more expensive? Go to distilled jeans. They start at 65 bucks. I have no idea how high they go. All right? Half of how you look is how great your pants fit.

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Let's see here. Delta, Sierra, Tango, Lima, Delta.com slash burr. All right, we're going to end with this song, everyone. This is the longest fucking advertising ever. I just got to get through this. All right, me and these picture a world in a world where putting on a pair of new underwear isn't just fresh. You're stepping into a better day. Think about it.

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I just picture them kidnapping homeless people, make them try it on, right? And they got them in the cage. Try on these. I don't want to do it anymore. Try them on. Are they comfortable? Yeah, they're comfortable. Don't lie to me.

My friends at Me Undies sent me a pair a while back. Yes, they did. And I, one of them, I felt like I was Greg Luganus. They were that tight, but the other ones were nice. One of them was a little too, um, come in, out. And now I can't imagine wearing anything else. Of course I can. I have an incredible imagination, but I'm not going to lie to you.

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I got to be off. How often do you think you have balls during the course of the day? You know what I mean? I think when you first wear underwear, you're aware of your fucking balls. It's kind of like the four, when you put on a wedding ring, you put on wedding ring, like, dude, what the fuck and blah, blah, blah, blah. Now there's like times I have a panic attack that is gone and I never take it off. Right.

Um, just like my underwear, I never take it off. That's why I lost my friends. All right. And for a limited time, everyone in my audience can get 25, 20% off, sorry, off their first order, but you have to go to our special URL, me undies.com slash burr with me undies. Better day guarantee. You have nothing to lose. So don't, they got it.

Just fucking get to it. Go to me undies.com slash burr right now for 20% off your first order. It's kind of like what I just said eight seconds ago. That's me undies.com slash burr. Jesus. That was a fucking long way to go. Um, Hey, guess what? I haven't done since Monday.

I have not flipped out a technology. I've had a couple of issues. I relaxed. I tried to figure them out. I was actually able to figure out how to, uh, you know, just when I, I download some music, how to have it automatically go to my phone, you know, because sometimes it would do it. Sometimes it wouldn't. If I was on wifi, I didn't know how to do it.

I was like, how, how can I get it to automatically do it? And I just, I just Googled it like a normal person found out the fucking answer like a normal person. And it all went to my phone. And I said, well, I got to give this a try. I want to download that new green day album. I want to see what's going on with that fucking thing. Right. What's his face?

Trey cools on the cover. I don't know if it's modern drum or a drum magazine. Um, we're in a houndstooth fucking suit. Right. And I'm like, that's right. They got a new album out. This advertising is working. So I went and I downloaded the thing and boom, went right to my phone.

You know, then I synced up my address books. So now my fit, my numbers are all floating back and forth. I now know that I can scroll down and see how many contacts I have, not only on my fucking, um, phone, but also on my computer. And now I can't figure this out. Why is it doing this? Oh, see that? I just figured something else out.

I have to get the little X thing. I have 193 cards. People, I got to tell you something. Um, overrated. All right. The panic of losing all your phone numbers and all your contacts. Here's the deal. Within 10 days, anybody who's in your life is going to text you.

Like, Hey man, haven't heard from you. What's going on? Then you get them and through them, you just get the, you know, you get everybody else. I have 193. Sorry. My eyes are going. It's not 198. 193.

Um, and after today that'll be up over 200 and, uh, you know, I still haven't turned on my other phone yet. I'm going to wait till it just completely fucking dries out. I mean, what's the point? I have all the numbers that I really need. And I was able to get a few that I didn't think I was going to get. Um, and like I said, if you know me and I haven't texted you when you listen to this podcast, whatever reason, text me because I don't have your number anymore.

All right. And I've actually had like three or four people going, Hey man, I was listening to your podcast. I heard that you lost all your numbers. Just reaching out, man. I was like, Hey, thanks. I really appreciate it. Do you have so and so, so and so's and so and so's. And then I just, I just build it up.

Yeah, we get it. You're basically doing exactly what anybody else would be doing in your situation. You're talking about yourself like you're doing something groundbreaking. Okay. You got me. All right. Let's end with this. Um, I told you, I went down a fucking iron maiden rabbit hole for some reason right

now. I'm listening to James Brown in early iron maiden. I don't know why and I'm playing drums along with it. And I'm having the fucking time of my life. And, uh, I've been playing to the prisoner. I still can't do that. What the fucking bass drum, how fast Clive Burr's foot was, I can get it up to speed though.

Um, I've been fucking with that. And then of course, um, where Eagles dare, which is just fucking ridiculous. Uh, but it's a great thing about YouTube. You know, everybody breaks everything down and then you don't even have to fucking develop your ears as a musician. So then you learn how to play shit that you didn't really figure out. Somebody gave you the answers to the test and everybody's like, wow, man, you're really fucking good.

And then all of a sudden someday some of you writes an original song and they say, hey, come up with some drums to this and you have nowhere to search. And then they go, oh, that's who you really are. Um, all right, that's the podcast here. Ladies and gentlemen, uh, that's the Thursday afternoon podcast. I was just checking in on you. I hope your, uh, your, your, your week's been going good. Even if it isn't, it's already Thursday.

Look at that. Look at that. You getting your paycheck today. You cash it. You have a couple of two or three, you know, you put on your fucking me undies, you know, you go out, you get hammered, you bang the chick down the fucking way. Right. Next day she comes in, she fucking rats you out.

You get fired. And then your boss goes to zip recruiter and he fucking advertises a position. He gets somebody better than you with more me undies. Right. But he's got club W breath. So they got to get rid of him, but I'm going to call back to all the fucking things, you know, and they kick him right in the ass of his distilled jeans. All right.

And then that's it. I think that's it. They mail his ass home through stamps.com. All right. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. Your cunts and enjoy the music as we sort of segue into, um, some Monday morning podcast greatest hits from a podcast from a different time in a year going by, or maybe earlier

this year, depending on how funny it was. I have no fucking idea. All right. I'll see you. I want to that Ted.com just look up robots and try to find the one with a, with this is this lady is sitting there. She's fucking talking about, you know, having robots around the house. You know what I mean?

It is the stupidest thing. Okay. First of all, she's whoring it up for no particular reason in the beginning. I don't know why she's wearing like these hooker boots. She's sitting there talking about robots to a bunch of egghead nerds and she's still got to whore it up. It's like, can't you just stand on the merit of the fucking speech that you wrote? Do you really got to get people's dicks half full just so they'll keep listening to you?

How fucking insecure are you? You're talking about robots in the house, walking down the hallway. Hey, what's up? Fucking high five and a goddamn robot. That right. And it's not like it's a movie. It's fucking real. That's not compelling enough of a subject.

You can't hold the audience's interest. You still have to put on your street walker boots. It's weird. She has on street walker boots, but she has on a modest skirt that comes down a little maybe because the boots go up so fucking high. You know what I mean? I mean, isn't that basically the rule? If you're going to wear the fucking thigh high boots, you basically have to have on a mini

skirt. All right. So she starts her speech, right? Not a whore. Just dressed like a whore. Like she put on half of her Halloween costume and then oh, wait a minute, I have to give a speech. So she goes down there and she's just like, she actually sounds, what she's talking about

is smart, but she doesn't sound that smart. So I don't know if some nerd wrote the fucking speech for her and got like, I don't know, fucking broke out in like hives right before the speech. So they sent her out instead, but she's just up there being like, you know, when I was a little girl, I remember just seeing Star Wars and seeing C3PO going, wouldn't that just be awesome to have like a robot and not to like do jobs that just to like kind of talk to and like joke around with. And she starts talking about how she feels that robots should be in the fucking house

because she wants her own C3PO. Am I saying that right? Am I pausing at the wrong time? C3PO. C3PO. C3PO. I don't know, whatever. That's such a stupid fucking movie.

It was one of the most overrated fucking goddamn motherfucking movies of all time. I would rather watch Muppets Take Manhattan. I think that that holds up better because at least there's adult humor in there. You know, you know, totally ripped off, used the force Joel Olstein, that fucking squinty guy. Oh, you want a t-shirt? Jesus, why don't you have a t-shirt? Just think about it.

It's going to happen. He totally stole that whole vibe. I don't even know if that makes sense. You know, furthermore, I don't care. Plowing ahead to this lady sitting there, lady sitting there talking about these fucking robots. You got to watch the video in about, I don't know, 10, 11 minutes in. I can't remember where the fuck it is.

They cut to somebody shooting the shit with a robot and it looks like it's basically a head coming out of a giant VCR. And he's like sitting there, like, and it'd be like if you had a VCR with a head coming out of it, but like a robot head, like bolts for eyes and shit, but it has like eyelashes for some stupid reason, like blinking, like it needs to blink, right? And he's sitting at it, like he's at his desk, like almost face to face with the thing. He's just like, hey, fucking R2-D2. Look what my girlfriend bought me and he showed some sort of fucking, I don't know what the

hell, it's a macho chain or a watch. I can't remember what the fuck it was. And then the robot's just like, oh my God, that's really interesting. Did she? And it's moving its fucking head. Can I ask, this might be the dumbest question ever or just painfully obvious. Why the fuck would I need that? Why would I need that?

Why wouldn't I just talk to my friend? You know what I'm saying? It's like the baseball kid from way back in the day. Remember that shit I talked about here in the podcast, one of these Mondays? They used to have the baseball kid. It's called baseball kid, the baseball kid. If baseball's what you want to do, baseball kid will pitch to you. And it was a cardboard cut out of a friend, basically, that you don't have throwing a fucking

baseball to you. You know, it was basically for the kid with no friends. So now they've upgraded it to the person who has no fucking friends. You know what's great? I bet that guy didn't even have a girlfriend. I bet he bought the watch for himself. And now part of the sickness is he just fucking lies to this robot about this life that he doesn't have.

And you know, once you start doing that, it's an inevitable, it's an inevitability. It's a fucking cirrhosis of the liver that that guy is eventually going to stick his fucking human dick in that robot mouth. And the second that fucking happens, that's it. It's the end of the fucking human race. I'll tell you right now, there's fucking this scientist out there, fucking robots right now. They're out there banging robots, you know, under the whole platform of fucking research.

It's a little scary. Like go go watch this shit on Ted.com. They got another one showing how we're fighting wars now. And like these guys sitting in Arizona, they go to basically go to work, they go to war, and then they come home after fucking blowing up some bad guys or hopefully bad guys, right? And then they fucking go and they sit down and hang out with their kids. And they're sitting there talking about how, you know, now the bad guys are getting the robots and blah, blah, blah.

It's just it's fucking inevitable. All those drones, they're basically eventually all the shit they use it over there. I think eventually they're going to use over here. You know, in the future, there'll be no more skipping jury duty. The second you skip it, you're going to wake up in the morning, peek out the window, and there's going to be a fucking drone just hovering there. You have seven minutes to get to court or you will be vaporized. It's going to be one of those fucking things.

Is this the least interesting thing you ever heard in your life? I mean, didn't I just basically do every science fiction movie? Has there ever been a science fiction movie where they predict something great? That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be original here for once in my fucking life. Let's go the other way. It's going to be a friendly drone. It's going to be outside the window.

Go back to sleep. It's okay. We set your clone to go down to the jury duty. Now we don't need you. So you will be vaporized. You will be vaporized. That's the way to do it. I think that that's going to be the funeral in 2020.

I think by 2020, we're going to know definitely where you go when you die. Anywhere other than here, people are just going to choose to tap out. It's going to be like getting a vasectomy, just getting fucking vaporized. It's still an intense fucking procedure that needs a serious talking before you do it. But you know, I'm just getting, I need a change. People on the East Coast moved to Minnesota or fucking San Diego. Just needed a change. That's what's going to happen.

The future is fucking true. You know, I know you guys are rolling your eyes right now, but you don't have access to the information that I do. So please reserve your judgment or whatever, whatever, temper your judgment. Don't be hasty with your judgment. Whatever that fucking expression is. Cautious to be waiting. As time slips by.

Carrying everything. Mother stars in the sky. Massive. I can't think of myself. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It is the Monday morning podcast that I'm doing at 830 at night Pacific Coast time. I apologize for the late recording this week. I had a really busy Monday and I had one window where I could have recorded,

but I was so fucking pissed at my health insurance people that I just didn't want to, I didn't want to go on screaming for the week, you know, trying to be more mellow. I don't know what the fuck that word means, but anyway, this is the Monday morning podcast. I do one of these every goddamn week. I can tell I'm still a little pissed. You know, people send me questions and if you have any questions for me, just send them to billburr.com or you can go on my MySpace page and send them there. Any questions you have, I'll answer them.

If you have a list of stuff that you feel is overrated or underrated, I will read that. And if I say something you think is stupid during the podcast and you need to correct me, you can correct me, like this speller. Last week I was talking about that creepy commercial. You know, that commercial where they got the mothers, their advertising batteries and they got the mother in the park and she can't find her kids. She's like, Michael! Michael! And, you know, well, since she takes out this little device,

do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do, then all of a sudden her kid comes over the fucking hill and they don't show him wearing any bracelet or any sort of hat with an antenna on it. And I'm like, they're getting you ready for the future where they're going to want to put microchips in your kids. Okay, so this guy says, you know what, Bill? I was listening to your podcast and I actually looked up that commercial to see what the deal was and it's actually the Brick House locator. It doesn't use a chip. Sorry to shoot down your dreams of the future.

Instead, it has a keychain type receiver that the parents clip to your children's shoes, jacket or backpack, and it's a homing device to let you know their location in seconds. Okay, well, you know what? I wasn't saying that there was a chip in the kid. What I was saying is that they don't show that he has the clip and it's very subtly getting you ready for them to put a chip in you in the future. And I don't know why you're, I don't, in fact, you're arguing with me on this point, but you're being a little cunty, you know?

I realize that the kid didn't have a chip in him, but haven't you seen the stories on the news where these people who work at corporations are like, yes, my company put a chip in me and I don't have a problem to it? With it, I have access to very sensitive materials. I happen to know the secret formula to Kentucky Fried Chicken. So I need to have them in bed, a fucking code in my, a fucking microchip in my, really? You know, Colonel Sanders knew the fucking recipe. They didn't have to put a chip in his fucking goatee, did they?

You know something, this is just, I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to make it in the future when they become more and more of a fucking police state and they're doing this shit. I swear to God, if people just line up like fucking sheep, I don't know what I'm going to do. And I swear to God, they're going to be like, well, if you ain't doing that wrong, you shouldn't have problem with it. You know, that fucking argument about how, you know, the government can listen to your phone calls now

and that was people's big argument. They would just like, well, if you're not doing anything, then why would you? Could you please wrap the cord around your throat and choke yourself? Read a little bit of history before you open your fucking mouth, you moron. Every fucking period in history just has horrific events of maniacs with too much power, putting people to death, constantly happens. It's happening right now. Genocide, has genocide ever taken a, even taken a weekend off?

It's unreal. If it's not happening over in fucking Europe or over here, people just, you know, am I getting preachy? I'm going to shut the fuck up. All right, let's move on to the next thing. Oh, here's a question. Hey Bill, will you be on the Jim Norton HBO show? Why yes, yes I will.

I had the privilege of performing with little Jimmy Norton in May. We taped it and it's going to be airing October 23rd, Friday night at midnight. So set your T-Vos because I imagine you guys all have lives. You all be out there partying and up, come home shit-faced and watch it. And speaking of which, let's plug little Jimmy Show down in Dirty with Jim Norton. It's on every Friday night, HBO at midnight. And I got to tell you, I was really impressed with the level of comedian that they had. There was a lot of guys I didn't know.

And I had to go on after this dude, Sean Rouse, who I had worked with before. And I thought he was hilarious, but when I saw him, when I had to go on after him, I was really standing in the wings going like, I don't think I could follow this guy. Because I don't know, absolutely fucking brilliant comedian, Sean Rouse. I think it's S-E-A-N-R-O-U-S-S-E, I don't know. He opens for Doug Stanhope a lot. So go over to Doug Stanhope's website. I'm sure he's got something on there, a link over there.

Now check out Doug Stanhope. Look at me hyping other comedians. There's three fucking hilarious people that you should go see. But not this weekend. Actually, go see him this weekend unless you're in Austin, Texas, because that's where I'm going to be at the Cap City Comedy Club, goddammit. And I'm really, really excited to do this gig. But a little disappointed, I kind of have some sad news.

Let's give you the good news first. The good news is I'll be working with my good friend, Joe DeRosa, who I do uninformed with, my XM radio show. Our XM radio show, and he'll be opening up for me, two-man show. And Joe's fucking hilarious. It's going to be a great night of comedy. This Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, CapCityComedyClub.com. You can get all the information.

The reason, you know, I booked myself in Austin this weekend was because the Longhorns had a home game, and I've always wanted to go to a game there since way, way the fuck back. I watched the Longhorns game, and for some reason I liked... I think the guy's name was Jerry Gray or something like that. He's one of their defensive backs. And either the late 70s or early 80s. Must have been early 80s because Earl Campbell wasn't playing for him at that point.

So anyway, I've always wanted to go to a game there. I'm a big time sports geek. And in fact, when we were booking the show, the CapCity people were talking to my agent going, I don't know if he wants to come down here that weekend because there's a Longhorn home game, and people really go nuts for those games, and we don't want it to affect his numbers.

So I was like, well, I want to go to the game, so I don't give a fuck. I'll make less money so I can go to the game. So this is what ends up happening. The Longhorns end up being undefeated, kicking the shit out of people, and everybody else starts fucking losing. And next thing you know, they're the number one team in the country. And I swear to God, earlier this year, the fucking game was going to be on in the afternoon,

and now, I believe they call it the flex schedule, they've moved the game time, they pushed it back to 7 p.m. and my show's at 8 p.m. So I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Now, does that mean nobody's going to come to my show and I don't get to go to the football game? I'm such a fucking, this is what, I can't even talk. I'm such a sports geek that I'm actually considering,

you know what, there's a dog, I'm sitting in my car right now, there's a fucking dog looking out at the window, looking right at me. I got the windows up, that son of a bitch is behind a window. It's like he can hear everything that I'm saying. Hey, go to your spot! Go to your spot, lay down! He's just fucking staring at me. I figured maybe, you know, I was using some hacky commands.

Oh, he left, he left. He left, is that another person coming up to the window? All right, now I look like a freak, okay. What the fuck was I talking about? I'm actually such a sports geek that I'm actually considering going there, tailgating, and watching like literally the first hour of the game, because I don't be on until 8.45.

You know what, fuck that, I'm doing it. I'm going to the goddamn game. If I just see the first fucking quarter, I don't give a shit. God damn it, that pisses me off. The whole fucking weekend screwed up now. I was driving up, I was going to go up to Houston, because I was going to go to South Park Guitar, because they got nothing but lefty guitars out there,

and I'm jonesing to buy this new reissue go-top Les Paul, because I don't know, I play drums and guitar. My life is ridiculous. I'm like a fucking 12-year-old. I'm not married, I don't have any kids. I go to sporting events, I play drums and guitars, and I babble for a half hour on Monday, and I tell shit jokes on the weekend.

Sometimes I wake up feeling guilty. I'll fucking grate my life. I can't lie to you, it's fucking awesome. This is what a fucking level of sports nerd I am. This is for my podcast listeners up in Canada. I've always wanted to go to hockey games up in Canada, and I always want to get booked up there, but my fucking booker's always like,

oh, the money isn't good, blah, blah, blah, blah. It causes back when the dollar was worth more than my fucking shoelaces, so I never get booked up there. So this year, in December, the industry shuts down. I said, you know what, fuck this. I'm going to take a hockey trip up to Canada. Three-day weekend.

I fly up Friday. Friday night, I go to a Calgary Flames game. Then Saturday, I drive up to Edmonton. I go to an Edmonton Vancouver Canuck game in Edmonton. Then Sunday morning, I fly over to Vancouver and I go to a Vancouver Canuck game. That is my fucking weekend. I bet I'm just dividing you guys right now, 50-50.

There are some people right now going, dude, that is the stupidest fucking, most moronic waste of goddamn money I've ever heard in my life. Then there's other people who either they get it or they suffer the same sickness. I don't know how to categorize it. I like, dude, that's the shit. I don't know, it's ridiculous.

I'm like geeking. I'm fucking psyched to go. You guys, why don't you let me know next week? Don't be on the fence. Don't be like, you know, I'm not into it, but if you're into it, I want you to go one way or the other. I want you to say, Bill, that's the greatest shit ever. Defend that.

I totally get what you're doing. Or just call me the biggest douchebag ever. And I'll read, I don't know, the funniest ones I'll read next week. There you go. That's your homework assignment for the week. So with that, let's get to some overrated, underrated stuff. All right, overrated.

I got a new job in Everett, Washington. So this past week, I drove cross-country from Worcester, Massachusetts. I don't know if you ever had the desire when you were a kid in high school to drive across the country, but I can honestly say, I didn't really like it. That's hilarious. So this guy's saying, driving across the fucking country

is overrated. Anyways, he says, driving west is a constant uphill battle. I had no idea. I figured once you were out of the Appalachian mountains that it would be flat. It is flat, but not level. I was constantly driving up, no matter what, going through the plain states sucked too.

I was driving through somewhere in Minnesota at night, and I slammed into a deer standing in the road. My truck was tall enough that it didn't get too fucked up, but still. Oh, wow, that's hilarious. Look at this guy. So you know what, I bet you'll never listen to those American songs the same way.

You get like, you get annoyed when people sing God Bless America. Or what is the, what's the one there? Four purple mountains, majesty above the earth in its face. You're going to be like, yeah dude, yeah, it fucking sucks. So are you for those corporations? Here's one for you. And you can look this up. The same guy looked up the microchip commercial.

They actually got a machine now, that rather than digging into a mountain, and they take the coal out, they actually, it's as big as a school. They, I don't know how the fuck they get it up there. They get it basically to the top of the mountain, and they just file the mountain all the way down to the ground. I know that sounds crazy.

You're saying you're out of your fucking mind. I saw it on 60 Minutes. This wasn't one of those YouTube or Wikipedia of crazy things that I've seen. So sir, with any luck, corporations will get rid of all the fucking mountains. Can you imagine if they do that? Can you imagine the fucking hurricanes that we're going to have?

Absolutely nothing. The twisters, it's just going to be, I'm telling you, I really think the second half of my life is going to be like a fucking Will Smith movie, except Will's not going to show up, because he's just an actor. All right, underrated. Oh, I didn't even answer the question.

Yeah, I've actually driven cross country. The first time I moved back from LA, and I decided I wanted to get back into being a comedian, because I wasn't ready to be in LA, and I packed up all my shit, and I drove from LA to New York City in three and a half days. If that, like three days, I drove like a fucking maniac. I drove like 16-hour days at 80 miles an hour,

like a fucking maniac, no radar detector. LA, all the way into New Jersey, did not get pulled over, and I forget how I did this. I was trying to go around some traffic. I did a fucked up U-turn, and I got pulled over right before the George Washington Bridge. And I'm thinking, isn't this ironic? Maybe the police officer will share in my seeing this

as a comedic, ironic moment, and he didn't give a fuck. It was one of those deals where he was deadly do-right. He was like, whatever you did was so douchey, I'm not even going to say anything other than license and registration. Came up the window, license and registration, and I was like, you know, this is me as I'm handing this stuff to him. You know, it's amazing, I drove all the way from LA, and I didn't, he just snatched it and walked back to his car,

and I was like, all righty then. Guess I'm getting the ticket. All right. Anyway, let's get the underrated here. Underrated, good mechanics. There are a few shops out there that give a... There are a few shops out there that give the good guys a bad rep. A few? No, there's a ton.

That's like me saying, you know, there's a couple of comedians out there that give comedians a bad name. No, there's a ton of us standing on stage going, what's the deal? Men and women? Is this crazy? Yeah, smell your own fart. You ever do that? Look at this guy over here, he knows what I'm talking about.

Speaking of which, yeah, you know what? A good, honest mechanic is underrated. And I actually found one out here. It's a good fucking guy. What do we got? A couple more. Actually speaking of farts, overrated. Your farts, underrated, my farts. All right, a little myopic, but I get it.

I get it. And I want to say there was something else for that. Oh, and he had a movie review. Bill, whatever you do, don't watch Cloverfield. J.J. Abrams should be beaten for this monster shitbomb. You know, I heard that movie sucked. I'm going to steer clear of it. All right, so anyway, let's start wrapping this thing up here.

The last few, it's just been like the in a got it Davidas of fucking podcasts. I do have to get to a couple of things that people, last week I said Japanese ball players were overrated and I want to retract that statement. I don't know, I just watched a couple of the guys that the Yankees got and Dice K for the Red Sox drives me fucking nuts. And it wasn't until game two, I think, was it game two? No, game one of the Devil Race series that I understood the guy.

It's like, I get this guy. He, when he loads up the bases and there's nobody out, then he has the other team right where he wants him. He doesn't give a fuck until the whole thing could go down the shitter. So I actually was able to relax that first game when I watched him pitch. So maybe I was a little bit harsh and I think I was harsh to white guys. Because this guy says, your comment about white guys can't play baseball, pretty untrue.

If I were to field an all white baseball team, that might give any all whatever all star team a run for their money. You know what? That'd be a great fucking idea. It really would add to a lot of racism. They should have the all Dominican team versus the all Japanese team, or versus the all white team. You know what?

The winner of the all white team versus the all Japanese team should play the all Dominican team. And each team's allowed to have two Puerto Ricans. Anyways, here's his all white team. I'm not reading all these fucking names. Lance Berkman, Chase Utley, Chipper Jones. Chipper Jones is like 98 years old. Who the fuck was that?

Ah, jeez, that just went blank. Who the fuck was the guy? We used to play center field for the Braves. Keep making Darrell. Dale Evans. Dale Evans, wasn't she a fucking cowgirl? Dale Murphy. You going to go back that far?

Oh wait, Josh Hamilton. Okay, that's a good one. Mike, we've seen, all right, all right. There's some guys there. Okay, I mean, there's no many Ramirez there. You know, Josh Hamilton could be. All right, you're right, you're right. I was just trying to be funny.

He was right. He's got to defend the white man. Anyways, okay, let's go. What are we doing here? What is left? Anything? Oh, the op-ed piece. Last week, some girl did some rant

that she can't find a good guy anymore. She's saying that all guys were pussy-fied. And is that because of women's rights and all that type of shit? So here's your rebuttal, man. This guy has some advice for you. For the woman who said there's no good guys out there, there's no good guys that you can find,

they have all pussies, where have all the real men gone? Okay. All right, so here, first of all, he starts off with his explanation as to why so many guys are pussies. He says, well, most guys are just trying to get laid. Seriously, they will do anything. There are varying techniques for this,

some work better than others. First, you have the manly men. Men this girl was talking about. They act like complete fucking assholes. They're abusive emotionally and even physically sometimes. Girls fucking love asshole guys. Not all, but an overwhelming majority of the female population

definitely gravitates towards these fucking douchebag men and the drama created by there being assholes. I gotta admit, when I started being a dick, I definitely... Did I get more women? I just think I got a higher quality woman, as far as looks anyways. But they all ended up being psychos.

All right, here's another one. Most women like asshole guys because it provides them with an infinite amount of bullshit to whine about. Okay, I'll be getting some responses to this. Also, they love the whole, oh, you don't know him like I know him. He's different when we're alone shit.

That's fucking funny. It makes them feel special. These guys know this and they get tons of girls. It fucking works. I gotta admit, being an asshole doesn't work. Not literally being an asshole, but if you just act like you don't give a fuck, it gives them something to work at.

I can't even explain it. It's basically, I think I did that joke on my special, which is basically, in the beginning, you actually know what to say, but your brain keeps saying don't say it because you don't want to offend them. It's when you shut that, that like sensor thing off

and you just start saying, you know what I mean? I get along with a girl and you just want to fuck her, but you make the mistake of acting like you like her, so now you're taking her out to dinner and it's like that never had to happen because believe it or not, some women, you know, actually just want to fuck too.

So if you kind of throw it out there, all you want to do is fuck, a lot of times, that takes a lot of their bullshit away. So you stop acting like a nice guy and they stop acting like they don't want to jump on a cock and you can have a good time. Anyway, you know what? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about at this point.

I'm sitting in my car with the windows up because I don't want to wake the neighbors here and it's starting to get hot in here, so I don't really stand by anything else that I say. You know, I just read the rest of this shit that this guy wrote without commenting on it. All right, second, here's a second group of people. You have sensitive artsy guys,

the guys that movies and television have trained to be timid and understanding. Guys like this, guys like this at first, but after a while it becomes... I think girls, sorry, girls like these sensitive guys at first, but after a while it becomes boring and this guy inevitably falls into the friend zone. The guy musters up the courage to tell the girl

how he feels and he gets the, I really like you, but just as a friend, shit. Then he goes home and hangs himself. This strategy doesn't work as well as the asshole method. All right, I guess this is the final one. Then there's the guys who are above the whole macho territorial pissing shit and aren't emo pussies either. These guys never get laid in high school

because they usually don't deal with these fucking stupid girls that are gawking at the asshole upperclassmen with cars and a roid rage. This guy sounds like he's got some unresolved high school issues. Anyways, they go after girls, but like idiots as themselves, they almost always get passed over for asshole job guys. I don't know, basically he wraps it up,

says I don't think this girl's looking hard enough. There are macho assholes everywhere. It's the dominant strategy for getting laid that I've noticed. If she's looking for an actual relationship and doesn't want to just get boned by tons of insensitive pricks, then maybe she should rethink what she means by saying men are pussies.

Well, there you go, sweetheart. In your face. What do you think about that? You're just going to sit there and not type something? I like both of those things because they all touched on truth and they also were unbelievably generic and you also kind of learned a little bit about both people. I think they both have some anger towards the other sex,

which I think is healthy. You know what, I think I should arrange a meeting where you guys can both get together and hate fuck each other. What do you think about that? Are you going to be screaming out your different points? I think that would be awesome. Just allow me to videotape it. I'll fucking squiggle out any sort of private parts

and I'll do that black line across your eyes so no one can recognize you like on the ACDC Dirty Deeds Dunder Cheap album. Speaking of which, I'm going to see ACDC December 6th at the LA Forum. Anybody else? All right, with that, you hear that beep?

That means my car just started up and that is the end of the Monday Morning Podcast. Sorry it took so long for me to put it out there. I really try to get them done in the morning because I know I'm on West Coast time and I really appreciate everybody who listens to these things every week. Please keep questions coming and that is it.

Everybody have a good week and congratulations to the Devil Rays, man. You're up two games to one. You bastard. You got a great fucking team and I don't know, I kind of like all the teams that are left. I'm actually driving right now which is highly illegal out here.

Actually, with my lights off, what a fucking moron. Okay, there we go. I actually like all the teams that are left. I can't figure out who I want to win out in the West. I really like the Dodgers because they got a bunch of old Red Sox, Nomar, Manny, Derrick Lowe

and I like Joe Tory. I hated the Yankees. I still hate the Yankees but you got to respect Joe Tory and you got to admit the Dodgers are making the Red Sox and the Yankees looking a little stupid. Red Sox obviously gets rid of Manny. He's too much to deal with

and look what the fuck he's doing out there and what's, and what pain is fucking salary? Jesus Christ. And then you got what's his face? Joe Tory. The Yankees were like, you know what? We're so sick of going to the playoffs. For the love of God, we need to take a year off from the playoffs

so we're going to get rid of you and we'll send you the Dodgers because they haven't been there in a while. And then the Phillies, I don't know. I like the Phillies. I like that team. I like that new stadium. I know everybody talks about that YouTube video.

I could really give a shit about Phillies. Like, I don't hate them or whatever. But I don't know. I don't know. I think I might want to see the Dodgers. You know what? I don't mind if the Dodgers, unless the Dodgers are playing the Red Sox,

then I'll root for the Dodgers, all right? That's it. That's it. So right now my Red Sox is still in it so I got to root for the Phillies. All right? I'm not being wishy-washy. I'm rooting for the fucking Phillies and obviously the Red Sox,

but I can't get mad at the Devil Rage. You got to love it. Not spending money. Got all these fucking studs coming up there kicking the shit out of our pitching. But, oh, and I want to thank everybody who's trashing my Patriots right now. You know, you bunch of pussies.

We come in there limping into your town. Everybody's injured and now you're going to talk all your shit. All your bags. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, all my favorite team is for fucking talking shit has to be the San Diego Chargers.

I've never seen a team celebrate more than they do. You would think that they'd actually want a championship rather than they just want a regular season game in the middle of October. Those motherfuckers, they stop a guy for a four-yard game on first down and they all start line dancing.

Remember that a couple years ago when the Patriots beat him again in the playoffs? And they all did Sean Merriman's dance right there on the 50-yard line. Remember that? And then LT got all upset saying that we didn't have any class.

It just made no sense to me. It's like, really? Your guy has been doing that the entire game. He's getting in everybody's face every time he makes a play. He's doing that stupid start and motorcycle dance that he does. Live by the sword, die by the sword.

You're going to be a cunt. People are going to be a cunt to you. And now look, this week we come limping into town. They kick the shit out of us and look at LT at the end of the game. He's all smiling. Hey, good game! Good game! Slapping everybody on the ass.

He's got no problem with all the dancing that his teammates were doing. I'm telling you, I don't like that. I don't like that. You know what I mean? That's really annoying. And you know what? I think it starts with the coach. Am I really talking shit to LT right now

like he can't kick the shit out of me or that he even listens to this fucking podcast? I don't know. I'm still sticking by. The Patriots are going to win the AFC East. Go fuck yourselves. I'm not reading any e-mails. So trash me all you want. They're going to win it.

That's it for the podcast. I'm going to go buy some fucking Cheerios. And that's it. Keep the questions coming. I'll talk to you later. Bye. It seems like it's been so long since he shot. But I'm sure it was only yesterday. Must have won.

It's been so long. I woke up to me. I felt my heart contract. To my mind I brought the image of light. And I expanded out of it. My fear was just a shadow. And then a voice spoke in my head. And she said

Dark is not the opposite of light. It's the absence of light. And I thought to myself She knows what she's talking about. And for a moment I knew what was all about. Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat. Download the Mydee Lijzen app and cook with it.

Yes, great. The Lijzen, with the food.