Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-13-22

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Bill rambles with Bruce McCulloch about getting his ass kicked, Canada, and his new show Bruce McCulloch: Tales of Bravery and Stupidity.  Returning for its off-Broadway run October 14-29th at SoHo Playhouse.  For tickets visit Bruce’s website – www.BrucioMcCulloch.com  

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Just checking in on you. Just checking to see how you week's going. You know, who's kidding who. Doing an extra half hour, making some ad read money. And usually, I just sit here running my yap. Talking to myself. But lately, I've had a whole bunch of guests. And this guy here is at the tip of the top here.

The Johnny Walker Blue. Oh, boss. Sketch comedy. Actors, the one and only Bruce McCullough who has the return of his off-Broadway show Tales of Bravery and Stupidity at the Soho Playhouse in New York City, October 14th through the 29th. Welcome, Bruce McCullough. Bill Burr, one of my friends, and I can say comedy heroes. It's so nice to be with you.

I know. I haven't seen you in forever. How great was that intro? I mean, I sound like a freaking professional there. You are a professional. You are reading for folks who are listening to this. And I don't know. There's not many.

He is reading from a teleprompter. It's kind of sad. And you know what happens with all guys? He's got a little white stuff in the corner of his mouth, which I think. Oh, I know. Yeah. It's a whisker. It's a whisker.

Okay. Did somebody tell you this was going to be a video podcast so you could hide behind that windscreen the entire time? Yeah. No, that's for your sound. Is this video? So I'll take this off. That sounds about there.

There's the moneymaker. Check, check. I just didn't want you to know I'm wearing a wig. As we know, I have a William Shatner wig. No, you don't. You have full hair on this podcast. Thank you so much for this podcast. Thank you.

Dude, I miss you, man. We did it years and years ago. We worked on something. And I feel like I've seen you twice since then. Yeah. I'm so thrilled. You know, the new kids in the hall movie, and now you got your Broadway play.

If I was back there, I would definitely go to the show. You would have an excuse to not have to go to the show. I get it. But you should tell people what we did. Because I remember the last time I saw you was at Festival Supreme. And then you started phoning me and going,

dude, I don't think you use the word triggered because you're too cool for that. But you went, I'm triggered again, thinking about it. Because Bill and I helped write and direct. I didn't direct. I helped write and produce a show, a pilot for Comedy Central, I guess 10 years ago now, if not more.

Longer than that. It was like 12 years ago. Yeah, with him and Kevin Hart. And it was about their true friendship. And my god, it was good. And it's like, if that one's not going to go, and I think it was a money thing that, you know, probably not Bill's people, but probably.

I don't know. Oh, is that what it was? I think that's what it was. Because he was just blowing up there. Remember when he used to bring a knapsack filled with money that he'd get on the road? Which I'm sure you've got a knapsack now with your own. I actually don't remember that.

I just remembered that he would. The reason why the show was going to work, I felt was because we were complete opposites, where I would just show up in my Prius. And he would show up in like a Hummer with like, you know, 10 of his friends hanging around the set and everything. We were complete opposites.

We were basically playing what are exaggerated versions of ourselves. Right. And then we gradually, we started off happy and was going to get darker with our drinking issues and all of that type of stuff. But we never got that far. And you, you were directing it.

And I didn't direct it. I produced it. Oh, see, I did. I thought you were directing that. I just remember you came out one time and gave direction and made me laugh my ass if you did it like, you just were, you were, you were, you were imitating a director being an asshole.

I mean, Kevin's just started laughing. And I just said to him, I go, dude, if this gets picked up, how much fun is this going to be? Aw, yeah. And what happened? And went right to the shitter. Shitter. Yeah.

But a funny story from that show, it's not about you. So you won't mind me telling it. I remember because, you know, Kevin was great, but sometimes a little bit late, just a little tiny bit late. He came really late to a writer's session that was at my house for some reason. I didn't know I had that amount of power. And he wrote on an index card.

I, Kevin Hart, promised not, because he had been drinking, to drink for 24 hours. And then he crossed it out. I remember that. And then he crossed it out and went 23 hours, which I thought was so funny. But here we are. It's not like he came in like blasted or anything.

He was, dude, that guy was like 27 years old, making movies and stuff. So he had clubs to go to at night. I don't fault that. Yeah. I think they invented bottle service for him at that time. I'm not saying anymore. It was.

I think that, I think that that's what it was. Yeah. But it was going to be, it was going to be a lot of fun. And I think this business realized it. So they were like, no, we can't do that. You know what's funny? Right. As I said, it was going to be a lot of fun.

They took it away. You literally went like this, like you were imitating hanging yourself. I almost hung myself with my, I don't want, I don't want to say it. $300 scar. Oh my, whatever. $300 on a scarf. You know what I got? Yeah.

It's gone. It's all right. I've already gifted. It was a lifetime achievement award for. Yeah. That's what they give in Canada. They give you, in theater here, they give you scarves. Because.

Hey, what part of Canada are you from? Are you, you, Toronto? What, where are you? Oh, God, no, I'm from Alberta. Where. But you're an animal. Oh, I'm an animal. I was born in Edmonton.

I actually, you won't even. Oh, that's a little cut above. A little cut. The cattle down south, the oil men are up top. I get it. Let me show you the, I guess you can't really see the cheese crowd. There's a, there's a scar from a knife fight I had in the Calgarian hotel when I was 19 years old. So I've, I was through the wars as a young man.

Wait, a knife, like you had a knife too where this guy pulled a knife. No, no, a guy actually cut me with a knife. There was, there was a phase bail and you probably remember this where guys would have cowboy hats, but they'd have little feathers on the front of them. Like, like a little, I don't know what they were. And I, I guess I, it kind of had pissed me off. So I decided to take his little feather off. Oh, you don't do that.

You don't take events feather off his cowboy hat. So that's, that's what happened. And I was so hard. No, no, no, slow down, slow down. So you're in this bar. Yep. All five foot for you. Right.

Well, I tower in at five, six, but correct. Five, six, and you walk up to John Wayne looking guy in Alberta, which for those Americans, that's like the Texas of, of Canada. As far as cattle, oil, you know, go fuck yourself, be a man, let's get a gun and that type of shit. So you go in there coming from a sketch class and decide, you know what, I'm going to, I'm going to improv with this guy. I broke all by taking his feather out of his hat and see what he does.

And of course, Bill, as you know, I was wearing nurse shoes at the time, which is what I often, often work does my go to for my drinking shoes, because they were so comfortable and they were so punk to me. What is your deal, dude? How did you grow up in that place so frigging macho and like, that is not your vibe at all. So what was, so you, you grew up out there and everybody's fucking punching cattle and drilling oil and flattening the mountains.

And you're, you're doing what? Reading Jack Kerouac and I was reading Jack Kerouac. I, well, and listening to, you know, it was probably not even punk. Yeah, I guess it was punk music by then because I was 18. So that was, you know, 77. So, yeah, no, I, I grew up in reaction to the place that I was. I would dress, I would dress, I'd wear pink shirts and they would chase men in trucks would chase me down the street to beat me up and scream,

you know what word they screamed at me. And, um, not hero. I mean, that's what they would say. Say what they called you. You just don't call somebody that. That's, that's, I guess that's correct. At this point, you can get, you can literally get in trouble for saying the slur that was said to you.

Yes, that, that I came out from under, which is why when I wrote running f-word, as we like to call it now, um, on the show, it was that it was like, oh no, gay men are heroes. We're, we're heroes for folk heroes for living through what people in Alberta and people in Toronto put them through. So what, you just decided that you were just going to like, what gave you the strength that like, how, how irritated were you by the, I mean, it's a pretty testosterone place, Alberta.

Like at what point was it just for the sheer, like, uh, you know, it's like a standup comedian. You go up and you're just like, all right, these people are into this. So I'm going to make fun of this. This is their home team. I'm going to make fun of their home team. Was it just simply like that or had something else happened? What happened you before the pink shirt is what I want to know.

Well, you know, not to be too serious. I come from a pretty rotten childhood. My dad was a boozer and a salesman. He was good at being a boozer and not good at being a salesman. My mom left Bill when I was seven years old. I wasn't allowed to have a picture of her or talk to her. I didn't talk to her for two years. And so, yeah.

And then my, my stepmom Connie, uh, who I'd often say, you're not my real mom. What's that? Francis? I wish. Oh my God. Now you made me think of Connie Francis and they were, they were boozers. So I, I, you know, and I had the house that you couldn't bring people home because my dog would have, Binky would have attacked my dad.

My, my mom might be asleep on the stairs. Connie from having drunk her Hudson's Bay rise since eight in the morning. And so I found basically first it was blue oyster cult, punk music. And then it was punk music, right? And then of course I fought. It just, that's what amazes me that like you, you're just like the nicest soft spoken person. You must be a terror onset. No, you get to, you get into like a knife fight and all of this stuff.

So like, um, did you get tired of getting your ass kicked? Did you enjoy it? Did you fight back? Oh, no, when I, no, I wasn't as good. And there was an, there's an actor that you may know, Callum Keith Rennie. He was in, um, what's that show he was in? Oh, well, look him up. Uh, he was, we went to high school together and he's, he's become a quite a good actor.

He was in Californication a few things. We would fight together. He was a good fighter. I was good at just, you know, bleeding quite honestly. He was a hype man. Yeah, I was the hype man, but I started going, I had friends who had moved out to Toronto and I started going to Toronto where there was people like me, right? And there was music and they're, you know, and the buzz cocks played and the damned played.

And I wanted to get to Toronto as soon as possible. And when our show, we had a show in Calgary that became successful when I started doing comedy. I wanted to go to Toronto right away and it wasn't for the comedy. It was for the music. That's amazing. So where did you meet, uh, well, first of all, how did you get from Alberta to, to Toronto? Did you, did you have any money to just fly out there? Did you get in a piece of shit car and drive across?

What, what do you, Saskatchewan? I worked, I worked, uh, loading trucks and driving truck for Canada Dry. And what, what you could do in the old days was you'd go to your boss and you go, um, can you put me on compensation for a while? Because I want to leave town and they'd say, sure, that was, because that's the old, like the warehouse thing. So I kept getting these beautiful, golden Canadian checks for two weeks. And then the other thing is we had worked at a really great theatre, which, uh, did theatre sports,

which, you know, is improv, competitive improv, uh, comedy. And so we, oh, we started doing our show after the theatre sports show. And then we started attracting an audience. And by we, you're talking about the guys who eventually became kids in the hall or just your friends? A bunch of people, but, uh, you might know the name Mark McKinney was the one guy. Yeah. And so we started selling, they started, we started selling out this show at 11 at night.

And then when we left town and nobody got paid for theatre sports and they still don't, same with UCB, um, they, they said, Hey, you guys have been great. Um, you, we've added up all the money that you made and we're giving you, they gave me, they gave us each for $4,200 because we've been working there for two years. Unheard of. And it's like, what? And so we had that money as well. So then you, you flew.

Oh, we flew. Yeah, we're not driving. No, no. And I think a, I think a plane ticket then would have been $78 one way. Did anybody who ever beat you up, you ever see him in the crowd when you were up there doing your thing at the improv sports? No, but it's just a different crowd. No, but a sideways story.

When I was, um, when I was 15, I went to see Kiss, you know, the band Kiss. I've heard of them. Yeah. And they were so, they didn't even have a record out yet. And I was, it was at a nurses cabaret at the U of Toronto, or sorry, U of Calgary. And I, wait, what is a nurses cabaret? They, the nurses department at school puts on a cabaret and anybody can go. So it's like four bucks.

I thought it was a bar where just nurses went to and drank. I'd be, I'd be there. Wouldn't you, Bill? And I, uh, Yeah, to watch you lose a knife fight to a nurse wearing her shoes. Those are my shoes. Give them back. Yeah, bitch.

And, uh, I, uh, so Gene Simmons and we were making fun of Kiss because they were the silliest thing we'd ever seen in our life. And they had a little kiss like thing that was aluminum, had like aluminum foil on it, like the big kiss logo, but it was like two feet tall, sort of like the spinal tap joke. And we were making fun of them. And then we saw Gene Simmons go get a blood pellet and go and he split, spit his blood all out and stuff like that. And we're going, you're such a joke.

You're such a stupid old man. And we're a screaming enemy. He came down with still playing his big bass and said, I'm going to fucking kill you, kid. And he did. And then, um, Great. Gene Simmons beat the shit out of you. He didn't, but he came back for his revenge.

30 years at least later. But if this was the seventies, he was, he was like, uh, he was like, Anybody who's a year older than you. I was old. Is old. But he was too old for dress up. Yeah, I think so. And then like 35 years later, I look up and when I'm living in LA on my long driveway

and getting out of a black SUV is Gene Simmons. And so it's like, okay, he's here to beat the shit out of me. It just took him a long time. No, he wasn't though. He was, I think he had a son or something that was in a house near me or something like that. So that's, that's like some Sicilian shit. If he came back that later, I should have said to him, okay, I know why you're here, but I didn't.

That's hilarious that you were like heckling them. It's also amazing that they had that little sign and they, and that everybody's laughing at it. But that was their dream and then just kept getting bigger and bigger. And we didn't know that it was going to be, they were going to be so good. And then I actually saw them a couple years later with Cheap Trick and they were, they were pretty fantastic. They were actually a pretty, you know, I don't listen to them now, but they actually were a pretty good rock band.

Not bad for a bunch of old men. You finally gave it up. Yeah. Feels like the end of the episode where you just sort of uncross your arms. Yeah. Or but maybe, but yeah, the people from the network want you to do one of these thumbs up. All right. So then you go, you get, you go to Toronto.

All right. And then you start, you just, you went there for the music. Did you play, because I remember in like your sketches and stuff, there was a lot of, a lot of guitar playing and stuff would come up a lot. I remember you singing, you know, the fuck the bank. I don't remember, did you ever play guitar? Fuck the bank was one of my favorite ones ever. Thank you.

I, I play, I play a little guitar. I dabble. I have a Fender Mustang for you guitar. Aficionados out there. And I have a Beatle bass, the Paul McCartney Beatle bass that my dad played because he was not just a drunk and a salesman. He was also played bass in bands. Oh, he was a jack of all trades.

He was a jack of all trades, but mostly a boozer bill. Bill, what I find with your dad is he likes to pick jobs where it's easy to get drunk. Salesman based. But I always say that he, he died 30 years sober. His, they threw him off a reservation in Galician, Alberta for being too drunk. And that was his low point. And then he didn't drink again.

Wow. What a happy story. No, I just, It's okay, Bill. You've gotten on this. No, that's just you and me. No, you look at, you have like movies. There's like three movies in all of this.

So you wonder why I was such a little punk, right? And that makes sense. Yeah, but I didn't know that you like, you went out of your way to get your ass kicked. I mean, I didn't even do that. I mean, I was a wise ass, but when, you know, first time I got my ass kicked, I was like, all right, I'm going to stick to the jokes.

Well, when I, but the truth is when I, because I thought, I really thought society is fucked. All you people are fucked. You know what I mean? Like every, and I didn't know that there was people like you out there or the people that I, you know, I had, I had two friends or maybe four friends, two were in the shadowy men from a shadowy planet,

which was our band, the kids in the whole band, and two other guys. And that was it. No other friends. And then everybody else was stupid. And that was, you know, the old days when it's like, if you weren't a jock and you didn't, well, I did some drugs, but you know, you weren't a rich kid.

What were you? You were like us, these weirdos. And so, but there's, and of course, those are the old days before the internet bill and weirdos can't find each other, right? As they can now, which is the beautiful thing about the internet. Well, they always found each other in cities.

You just go to the art, whatever the hippies, the art people work. That's where you would find the fellow weirdos. It is interesting. I always liked that about cities. And then like people who are business minded, they just look for the glass towers. They go there or the steak houses or something.

And then meatheads like me, oh, like you've got a sports arena. You know, do you have a bar with a bunch of sports logo things? And then you just kind of, you kind of find like your group. That's why I feel like living in a city in, you know, as much as there's violence and crime and that type of shit, it's easier to find the group of weirdos that you associate with. But it is kind of funny that like people that are into sports

aren't, you know, that just for some reason became like this mainstream, like that was somehow cool. You didn't play them. You just were like, like if you go to a sports bar and you just look at guys and all these animals, it's like these fucking, no one here could run the block without doubling over wheezing. And they know everything about sports.

Somebody finally, somebody comedian did a great bit saying, what's it like was comparing Star Wars freaks to sports fans and just made all of these parallels of like knowing the names and dressing up like, you know, you dress up like the character, you dress up like the player. And I was just sitting there wanting to be like, this isn't right. And I listened to it.

I was like, yeah, that's kind of a hundred percent right. Well, it's also, and I actually remarked this to one of my friends the other day, it was like, because there was a Jays game, it's like, why would you put the name of somebody else on your back? Or would you get a shirt that said burr on the back? Like you're going to get a... That's actually worse. I would rather appear as, you know, a professional player's boyfriend

than to actually never make it in the league and have my own name on the back. I did it one time when I got to throw out the first pitch at Boston, but it made sense because they put burr in 22, like the year that I did it. So when I'm an old man, be like, I did things way back in 22. I heard that pitch bounce twice before it got to home plate. Is that true?

Dude, it bounced right up your fucking pink ass, right through the plate. But you like that. You like to go to a sports bar and go, how can I cheer for people who don't give a fuck about who I am? Oh, here's the place. Yeah, there's... You know what happened? Sports kind of like everything kind of got overexposed.

And it used to just be like, you know, it was like football. It was on once a week and they had a little half hour show beforehand on this little thing. And then there was Jimmy the Greek and he was giving you, you know, the odds on who to bet on. Brent Musburger, Irv Cross, and it was a Jackie Kennedy or something like that, Jane Kennedy. And that was the crew and you just watched them

and then you just watched the game and the game was over. And that was it. But there wasn't any, all of this, this talk and like, you know, this fucking bullshit now would like, you know, get involved in players. Oh, this guy's getting a divorce or this guy got a DUI and all of that stuff. Like, I don't know.

It was, but in sports radio is what did it. I couldn't believe because I actually became a huge James. ESPN 2, 24 hours of that. And then they have an ESPN 1, 2, 3 university. I mean, I love it that since there's all those games on it, but like it became like MTV where they were like, well, we got to fill up all this time. We can't keep showing sports for whatever they thought that reason.

And then they just started sitting around talking and they fucking argue and just yell at each other. And it's just every time I hear them yelling, it's just like, guys, you're in your 40s. Who gives a fuck? I know, I know. And I loved, I loved the call in shows too, because it's like someone would call in and and like go on

against Garth Org, who's only hitting 162 and we should be back to Syracuse. And I also love when the guys, of course, only guys, women are way too smart for this, aren't you women? Oh, there's no women listening to this. Um, they phone up and they go, they go, so who's who's going to win the game tonight? So like, who do you think is going to win the game tonight?

Like, dude, we don't have no idea who's going to win the game. I know the blue jays or the Milwaukee blueers. So why? Yeah, no, they, and then they got the whole fantasy things. The only reason why I like people that play fantasy football and baseball is it seems to be the best way now to know the, to know what's going on and know people's stats and everything. When I was a, thank you, when I was a kid, they had, uh,

you know, like trading cards. And I didn't even realize that like, instead of looking at my multiplication tables, I would have been a wizard math. If I, if I looked at those things as much as I looked at my football cards, I knew people's heights. I knew what, where they went to college. I knew their hometown, all of this stuff,

what years they were all pro if they went on pro last year, because I had all of that. And somewhere along the line, trading cards, because all of them from the fifties and sixties and forties were worth so much money. It became an adult pursuit and they pushed the kids out of it. And there was an early 2000s. I started, I wanted to collect again,

because I didn't know who the players were, because I was doing so much standup. And I went down to this hobby shop or whatever, if they still have those. And there was a bunch of guys, and it was down in New York, near the financial districts. And there was these guys, like the Wall Street guys were down there.

And I saw this guy and he was just throwing away cards. He called them common cards. And those were basically ones that weren't going to be worth any money. And it was like totally an investment. And I was like, I was thinking like, why would you throw those cards? Can I have those cards? I would love those cards, right?

And then I kind of looked around the store and I was like, oh my God, it's all like, we were all like guys in like our thirties. And I was like, where are the kids? Like they should be like down here. I should look like some weirdo being here. And I guess now it's like fantasy football is kind of a way to do it.

Well, and so did you not collect, buy any cards then? You said now. Well, then when I hated, because I just wanted to like get the collection and look at it and get to know the players. It was like a studying tool, you know? And because all of these guys, these guys, just Christopher walking there,

these guys all of a sudden had all this money. They could just buy a complete set and they could buy numerous sets. So it was flooding the market with cards and driving the price down. So what they did was they deliberately made cards rare in hard to get. Let's take the oil companies.

They just stopped producing oil and then the price of gas goes up and then whoever's president gets fucking blamed, right? So they were doing that with cards. And I was just, and the whole thing was just like, ah man, this isn't like, this isn't the fun of what it used to be. You go on your buy packs

and like you only need one more card. You're like, fuck, I just need one more card. And then you call up your, you know, at school, one of your friends had doubles of it. And then you'd give them, have to give them like three cards that he needed. It was this whole, we used to have like trading card sessions. Like me and my siblings and the kids in the neighborhood,

we would just go into somebody's house, bring all your cards, and you just broke out what you had. I did that too. Oh man, you got three Tony door sets. What do you want for that? Ah man, I love Tony doors. You got to give me more than that.

It was incredible. And it was like totally innocent. And then by 2000, you know, it was guys like me fucking the whole thing up by trying to go in and buy a complete set. Yeah. I remember that too. Got it, got it, needed.

Got it, needed, needed. Like, yeah, yeah. And then it became like, don't write on the checklist. I know, oh right. Somehow the checklist became worth a lot of money because that was like, you know, you could tell what card it was.

I don't know. What does this have to do with the fact that you're doing off-Broadway? Now let me, let me ask you this. Do you have to get to the theater early so you can get into character? I know a lot of you actors do that stuff. I like to go as early as 30 minutes before the show.

I like that. I'm not the person who goes there for three hours. I know some actors, real actors who go, you walk into their dressing rooms. Mummy, mummy, mummy. Who am I, mummy? No.

I go, I go with my winning spirit, Bill, which you've, you've witnessed firsthand. You've worked with me. And- You're a fan of the people. You're out and about with everybody. You know, you have a couple of fucking pints.

I don't have pints, but I do, I do go gracefully on stage and lay it down. You walk through a makeup, Mr., before you go on there, just to kind of question you up. And then I just say, girdle. And then somebody, you know,

from Nassau comes and gives me a girdle. How long is the show? It's, it's 75 minutes. And lately I've been, I've been using you in my show. No, you don't have it. I have. I do a thing.

I talk about like, it's okay if you don't get one of my jokes, because if you don't get one of my jokes, it goes over your head and to the end of the universe. And waits for me there, which, which I sort of love. I said, just a weird thing.

And then I go, and I also, I love the low. And for some reason one night I said, Bill Burr can't handle the low. And they loved it. So every night, every night I go, Bill Burr can't handle the low.

And I think of you. That's amazing. You know, cool that is, for me, just grown up being a fan of you, you know, because I'm so much younger than you. Oh yeah, you're a child. No, I'm not.

But look at you. Yeah. Yeah. You look like an old Superman. I look like a ruined astronaut. You used to, you look like you used to save Gotham or whatever. Oh, Gotham Batman.

No, you do. You have, you have that, you're too, you're too like, nice and sweet to have led a, like a life of politics and just seeing the underbelly. I feel like you're that guy that people just go,

you know, he really gets life. He just, he understands it. Until they get to know. No, they like me. How old is your son now? He's got to be like, what, 18? No, he turns Otis, turns 15 tomorrow.

My daughter turns 18 next week. Yeah. But he's, he's funny. He's funny. I know we can almost, we can almost do it. Like he's very funny.

Up until I do a show called Tall Boys in Canada, which is a great sketch show. It's available in the U S now, but which went three seasons or three seasons so far. But before that, a lot of my shows only went one season.

Like I did a show with my wife, young drunk punk and a few other things. And he called me Mr. One Season. Like good morning, Mr. One Season. I've been, I already told this story in the podcast, but I'll tell it again for you. My daughter came up to me one day and she goes,

she goes, hey dad, she goes, I know what your real name is. I go, yeah, what's my real name? She kind of like pushed her face out. She goes, it's Bill. And I go, yeah, I go, how do you know that? She goes, because I hear mommy say that to you.

I go, all right. I go, you want to know my full legal name is? You want to know what it is? And she goes, what? I go, it's William Frederick Burr. She goes, that's ridiculous. So what? And she just laughed.

I go, what? Why is it ridiculous? She goes, it's a ridiculous name. And laughed and just walked into the kitchen. And she still won't get off it. She keeps, but she, I think it's a word she learned at school because I asked her, I said,

she came in the morning and she goes, dad, can I look at my tablet and I said, no. And she goes, that's ridiculous. And every time she says it, I burst out laughing. So I think that she, she knows it's like a joke, but I don't think she knows how to like,

use the word. That's what I'm hoping. Or maybe I do have a ridiculous name. I don't know why, but she, it's pretty ridiculous though. I mean, we, we're all kind of getting in my head because she hasn't wavered. I'm waiting for her to be like, no, dad,

I was just kidding. She said to me the other day, she goes, dad, you're fat, right? And I go, I go, you think I'm fat? She goes, no, you're not fat. I go, okay, good. She goes, no, you are fat. And she goes, you need to go to the gym.

And then she, she starts hitting my stomach and she's going like, you need to go to the gym. Need to go to the gym. I hold the dairy. And she just started cracking up laughing. She's right too. I got a nice fucking double cheese sandwich here. I'm trying to.

Yeah, Nia center to do that to you. I know, yeah, Nia, you know, Nia's about ready to trade me in on a younger model. Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course, you know, I had a ginger hair. The last time I went to the doctor in LA,

he said, we got to talk about your end of life protocols. And I said, Oh, okay. And he said, you have any? And I said, well, when I die, my wife, Tracy, who you met many years ago, she can't remarry for two weeks. And he, he laughed and then he wrote it down, which I think is fantastic.

So you give him one last laugh. Yeah. Fortnite guys, I know, I know you're circling. So I had a doctor recently go like, you know, there's no good at your age. There's, there's no good news from here on out. And it's just like, why would you say that? It's like, I know that.

But why would you put me in that mindset? That's like being a coach. Like, you know, there's no way we can win tonight. Yeah. At least we could, we could keep it close. We could give the people a game. Or you can only play this sport until you're 28, you know, even if you're really good.

That's why would a coach say that to a kid? You know why? Because they grew up in Alberta. Yeah. The whole problem with the whole Northern Hemisphere all comes down to Alberta and Texas. Because liberals, man, they're just there. Did you ever think liberals would become such fucking psychos?

No, I, no, I didn't. I mean, Jesus Christ. Just so fucking intolerant and just having, I use, I used to think I was, I don't know where I am now. All I know is if I go to Texas, hey, that was Joe Biden there. Let's go fucking rickety-rackety, whatever they say. Let's go bucky, whatever they say.

And then when I'm out here, I'm like, fucking counting the days until Trump comes back. I'm kind of where you were when you were young. I think I'm going to start saying society. Yeah, society is no good. I, well, I like to go to a dinner party and say, especially when people don't know me and go, well, Trump's got some good ideas.

Oh, that's fantastic. And just, just to hear people like that, blip, blip, blip. That's fantastic. I'm going to use that. I remember when we stayed at the Trump Hotel in Chicago, and there was people protesting outside, like the fucking guy was in there. You know what I mean?

Like he actually is, has any attachment to that hotel other than loaning him. He's a brand. He's basically a socialite. So the same way, like Kim Kardashian, a loaner named to a brand, you know, makes some money. He does that with the hotels.

He's not fucking in there. These dumbass liberals are out there fucking screaming and yelling. And we were going in there and yelling at us. I'm like, I didn't vote for the guy. And he goes, ah, fuck you. They're all screaming. So then the rest of the weekend,

we would get out of the car. We would just say positive shit about Trump. You know, I'll just get out. I'll tell you about Donnie, man. I don't think he goes far enough. They'd be like, dude, fucking why? And then we were drinking. I'm still drinking at the time.

We were behind glass. And I'm not going to say the other comic, but we would knock down the glass and be going for more years. And just laughing the whole time, just being like, if they only knew that I voted for, I voted for that crazy old, the guy from Back to the Future there.

Who's the guy? They wouldn't let him in every time. And but don't you remember like maybe in the 80s or 90 when you thought the world's just going to get cooler and Bernie Sanders. That's what Bernie Sanders, but the world's just going to get more open. It's going to make discoveries.

And then all of a sudden like, what happened? It's not, we're not more liberal. Some people, I don't know what happened. No, I think, I think, you know, I think the internet happened. The internet and it turned it into one giant townie bar. And then more on liberals and more on conservatives can now exchange ideas.

And we've kind of created this thing now where you only listen to things that agree with you. And it makes you feel good. And like, yeah, you know, like that, like I find CNN and Fox other than like treasonous, they're hilarious to watch because they just sit there doing this the whole time. Like, I'll tell you, this country would be great

if everybody had on a blue tie. And then the other one, everybody needs a red tie. It's like, I don't, I don't, I don't know how many times the government can just turn their backs. Like what they did, you know, what they did in New Orleans. Yeah. Right. What they did in Mississippi.

Huh. What they did in Alberta. Yeah. I didn't have another city. I'm just saying, like, how many fucking times can they just, just show you that you don't fucking matter? Oh, and listen, we, you know, not to get serious here. People in America always think that Canada is really great.

And we really also take care of our First Nations people. We have the worst record. There is so, there is millions of people up north who do not have clean drinking water. And they, why don't they have drinking water? Like every time anybody says anything, all I can say is, but why don't they have clean drinking water? Isn't that how everybody's been saying for 40 years,

they need clean drinking water? You know what I think I open with when I do Canada? Like how up here in Canada, I know you guys, you guys think you're the best white people. You're a cut above. And I go, there was people here before you got here. Where are they?

Send them up north. Crying on a fucking canoe. And then I go into my act. This is not a white shirt. Oh, nice. Yeah. It's a sugarcane place that treated me and Mike Bertolina and Kenny Federer very nicely in Phoenix, Arizona.

He's wearing a, he's wearing a fine ass. Cross promoted shirt. So please, if you're in the Phoenix region area, please go in. What do you have to do with showing New York when I'm not there? I don't know. You know, I'm going to tell a funny Bill Burr story.

I know you answered that like that was a good question. I don't know, I checked with you. Yeah, it's the, I should have. We, I remember we played Boston, Kids in the Hall, a little while ago, I think on our last tour, and we were little theater, small theater, I think it was like a 500 seater. And we just, we did maybe four shows.

And then we thought, oh, that's pretty good. We went clean as we'd like to call it for four shows. And then we looked and after us was Bill Burr. I think you did 16. Oh, like that. Yeah, yeah, I did a run of shows. I'm from, yeah, I know, but still. That's like you bringing your pink shirt,

one man show back to Alberta. I mean, how many shows could you do? I mean, it would be endless. There's still guys there who want to beat me up. So maybe they're going to take another. Well, you know what, John Mulaney came and incinerated. Disintegrated my record. So he has the record.

And I'll tell you that fine young man, he can have it. Yeah, yeah, you can. That was, that was quite the albatross around my neck. Everybody talking about all the time? Everybody on the streets. No, guys in sketch, you know, years later. Are you still doing that edgy material? I heard you were in that chuckle hot 13 shows.

Am I still doing edgy? Yeah, I pushed, I pushed the envelope, you know. Yeah, it's, it's, I like to try to make people think. You know? Oh my God, I remember. It does, do you? Yeah, yeah, I didn't know. I hadn't seen that, that's, that's special.

No, you, you did one piece. It's like, I always think it's like, how did he get away with this one? Which I don't know if you've ever thought that about my material, but it's like, where you talked about, you can't talk to kids because you don't want them to think you're pedophile. And then you go on to say that you think some of their

parents sort of fatten up these kids. So they won't be attractive to pedophiles. He's like, how, how do you get away with that? Cut the head off the snake. That was my, oh, he didn't. No, I just, because, you know, if you, if you don't mean anything, if you're not being malicious. Yeah, I mean, here's my new chunk I'm doing on how not to

get raped. Oh my God. And oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Just why would I, why, why wouldn't you try to help people that could, that could potentially happen to? That's true. Could happen to you too.

Yeah, yeah. I'm helping everybody. With my comedy. See, most people just go out and they tell jokes, not me. Yeah. I try to, I try to have a PSA attached to every shit joke that I do. I'll do a shit joke and go, remember to get your

colon checked. I think that's a scam, by the way. They just keep lowering the age. The first it was just like, you know, when you're 103, you should probably have a camera crew up your eyes. That'd be got dropped down to 70. It was like the speed limit.

It just keeps going down and down there for a while. Now it's down to like 38. Next year, they're going to say, if you have an asshole, let it stick a camera ups. Now, is this the new bet you're working on? Are you like fucking Scott Thompson, you're trying out your material on me? How dare you?

How dare you compare to that, that horrible man? I've worked with them numerous times. Geez, just brow beating everyone in the green room. No, I haven't seen him in forever. Yeah. Well, I almost came to see you when you were in Toronto, but then I realized it was at night. I think you're saying then I realized I had better

things to do. No. No, actually, something came up. I had some meal punk band. I had to go see down at the fucking the attic. I had to go see the vial tones. Oh, yeah. Who else?

Were you like into REM? Yeah. REM. I'm trying to get your 80s playlist here. That's a little soft for me, I think. How about John Cougar and the Beaver Brown band, or whatever that fucking movie was called? Dockside's nothing new, nothing new's real.

You know, with your cowlick flipping around, you never did a cover of that in your band? Yeah. No, no. On the Dockside, Eddie and the Cruisers. Oh, Eddie and the Cruisers. Yeah, that's what it was. John's something in the Beaver Brown band.

Oh, yeah. Oh, John Cougar and then John Cougar, Mellencamp and then John Mellencamp. Yeah. I knew him when he was John Cougar. I got his first record, please. Just John Cougar. Oh, yeah.

Did you guys hang around to make fun of Gene Simmons? Dude, I think that that's what's missing from a John Cougar, Mellencamp, Brody Stevens, Stevens show, is he should have a fucking, he should have a blood pellet. When he sinks little pink houses and then it's pink pellet. I love that. I actually, one of my favorite drummers of all time,

Kenny Aronoff played with him. And I specifically went to go see whatever he was going by then, John Mellencamp will say. I specifically went to go see him to see Kenny Aronoff and Kenny did not disappoint. I had lawn seats at, it was called Great Woods. You know, John Cougar came out and just fucking, I mean, that guy just has hit after hit after hit.

And, but I was at the whole show, all they looked at was Kenny Aronoff, bringing the hand up, slamming it down on the snare. And I was like, that is a pro drummer. And that's what I'm going to be. And then I started playing drums and it didn't work out. It's not as easy as it looks. It's not just doing it on your lap at a party, right?

You know, I thought I was grooving in the back of the station wagon. You know, and then when I actually sat down behind the kit, I had to put on my big boy pants. I kind of fell off the back of the stool. That's what happened. Nice. Do you always do this to people? What?

You just sort of make them go through their sad memories, like sort of a little white. Well, yeah, I'm kind of like a Willie Lohman of comedy where I take up my sad samples and then you start telling, showing me your sad samples, you know? Sort of this. And then we all pick them up at the edge of infinity because we like saying that.

I like saying that. But those jokes are waiting for me there. Don't you get that Bill? That's about the circle of life. And I don't know why I've worked with you. I've taught you everything I knew. But why can't you see that? So what do you think when you, what happens when you die?

When you die, do you then go visit all your jokes that didn't work in Soho? Yeah. I mean, I actually- And they all hug you and be like, we were funny. We were waiting for you, Bruce. We've always been here for you, Bruce, since the beginning of time, until the end of time.

No, I know that when I die, A, my wife remarries with it after two weeks. And, but I also know that the opiates in my brain just stop working and that's it. Oh, I did leave my body to science. This is a joke I'm going to do for you, Bill. And, but they're going to shoot it out of a cannon, apparently. Oh, that's awesome.

That's a very, that's a very conservative thing to do. I like that. Yeah. That's a red state thing to do. Yeah. And then send your liberal body to a red state so they can shoot it out. The cannon.

And I presume wild animals would eat it still, I guess. What was left? Yeah. It's got to be naked, too, because you don't want to try to eat through your clothes. God, no. Let it get the clothes to the meth people. Well, and of course, I'm going to die naked.

That's just what I'm going to do, Bill. Oh, I'm done. My body's going to be like a parts car, where you just take a carburetor here and a kidney over there. And then they're throwing me in the oven. And then that's it. What if they go, ah, don't want it? And then the other guy goes, why?

And go, I saw one of his shows once. It wasn't so good. I feel like if you, what if you die? What if, like, if I lived to be, you know, fucking old as shit? I mean, who wants an 80 year old guy's kidney? You got to be waiting for somebody to, like, eat it in a car crash.

Get a nice 23 year old pancreas. That's tasty. No, it's like, it's relative. Like I'm, you know, for me now, a 50 year old. That's a cop out. That answers the cop out. That's all relative. But if you're 90.

Are you wearing loafers and no socks? Why would you say that's relative? That annoys me. I hate Canada now. You know, I was going to tour there. I'm now canceling it. I think, I think you took all the money from all the people. You took all the money for all the shows

that you could do in Canada. And now you're back in the States. Just, just counting it. Making it right. Whatever I was left with. That wicked queen that runs your fucking country came by. You know, just took all my little pieces of gold. I was like a couple of dollars that was like,

I think they were painted pink. They were pink and green. Just like your politics. For you just tuning in. Bill and Bruce actually are friends. They're just playing. Yeah, dude. I haven't seen.

We live in the same city. I'm just saying, Bill, I don't like you like that. And no, we've gone through a sadness. We've gone through a professional sadness. We would have just been, I can hang out with you now, but we would just stare at each other. Why do you think the show didn't go? And then we talk about something and then we go,

so why do you think the show didn't go? Yeah. And you know what that did? That gave us an opportunity to hang out with our families. Yeah. They're saying, why didn't the show go? But dad, I just want to play catch. I can't right now, son.

I'm still feeling bad about that failed pilot. I'm doing something called processing. What is that? I like to think they look back. And be like, we had him. We had Bruce McCullough, Kevin Hart, and Balding Bilber. We had it all right in the palm of our fucking hand, and we let it slip through our fingers

and open the door for Netflix. That's what I think. I think that whoever's left over there. Oh, no, that person. What is the turning point? That person. In Viacom property. They know to Bruce McCullough.

To Kevin, to knapsack full of money. Is this an ATC? Yes, it is. Thank you for asking. All things comedy, wonderful network. Nice. That's for you who don't know. That's Bilber's company that encompasses what they basically do

is they find young stand-ups. They make them open for Bill. And they say, no, no, it doesn't pay. It pays an experience. In fact, they should be paying us. It pays an exposure. And then there's a table. It's like, no, no, no, that's Bill's food.

You know what's breaking my heart right now, aside from the fact that you just refuse to hang out with me because I don't have enough credit to my IMDB page. Is comedians now, young comedians are letting agents take a percentage of their advertising. It's the most insane thing ever. It's like they can't do anything. I'm just going to sit there and promise them,

oh, we're going to get you all this fucking money. And then they're not going to get you the money. And then they have their fucking legal foot in the door. So for the rest of time, you're going to have to pay some fucking agent. And you create the whole show. You get your listeners. You fucking do everything.

This isn't like at an acting gig. The way performers are fucking institutionalized, and they just keep running back to the fucking penitentiary. Just it drives me up the wall. Well, and its actors are so horribly treated, they get paid so little, you know, if you're like, I don't audition for things, but I usually hire people.

It's like you get 2000 submissions for every role. They treat you poorly. They make you wait on set. Like it's terrible. It's terrible. So I know being a comedian is hard going out and- I can't tell if you're making fun of what I just said. No, I agree with it.

And I think, but here's what it is, Bill. And I tried to teach you this the first time we worked together. I'm just trying to have to, you know, people just not be fucking paying people. They don't need to be paying. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying being an actor isn't a fun job. I'm just, you know, I don't know if it is a fun job.

I think the money people- Hey, right now it's just funny to be in the fucking edit room and having to put the whole damn thing together. I can tell you that. Just doing your little fucking soliloquy and walking off, going down the street with Kevin Hart and hanging out. That's the fucking way to do this business. Sitting there with the headphones on going,

did we get it? Did we get it? And then fucking a year later, still sitting there trying to find the right music for the guy when the guy fucking slips on the banana peel. I said something that that's not normal. It's the freaky world of sound, which is like all these, mostly there's, there's women now, but mostly men,

just losing years of their lives, moving the sound of a door up one frame. Why is it too wet? That sound just doesn't sound like a wooden door to you. That sounds a little metal. Could you play it a few more times and confuse me? You think that they're going to figure that on the internet because they have nothing better to do,

that that was a metal door slamming instead of a wooden door? All right, Bruce, I mean, I guess if this is the way our friendship has to be now, I have to wait for you to do off-Broadway to see your beautiful face. Well, maybe what I'll do is play gigantic arenas like you and, you know, but I can't. I'm just playing a little nice little theater

because I'm actually of the artist because you're of the people. Bill, I like to, I like to see their faces when I perform. You never, you're... You know what it is, Bruce, if that connection's not there, then what's all that money for, man? Right? Yeah, I like it. You're still punk rock. Even you sit there a little, a little sweater.

My little sweater. Yeah, whatever. My scarf on. No, not my scarf. I like it. Yeah, thanks. Were you protecting your instrument? I am.

You are. All right. I love you, Bruce. You're the best. And I would love to hang out with you. Yes. I will find... I know you're in the Broadway club

and it's not good for your brand to be seen with me. But, you know, we'll hang, we'll hang way out in like the Inland Empire. So no, no, no. No, no, I'll get a second key to my room and I'll just put it in your hand. Oh, I like that. Then you come back to my hotel and we'll have a drink. But you don't drink anymore.

So you'll have some... Just a couple of fellas having a drink in a hotel room, right? Nothing untoward about that. A robe slips open. That's the... Oops, it's the wind. You know, you just helped me out. You were trying to put it back.

That's all that happened. It's not gay. And I put yours back. It was a normal thing. And I don't fight you back because we're friends. Right? You were strange. I said, hey, what are you doing?

But it's Bruce. So I know that what you're doing is not sexual. Yeah. And a few maybe months or years later, you go, oh, hey, that was a bit weird. That was a bit weird. We want to revisit it just so we can confirm that it was weird. All right, Bruce McCullough, tales of bravery and stupidity.

Now that we've got the whole background with you getting into a knife fight wearing a pink shirt, I mean, come on. October 14th through the 29th at the Soho Playhouse, live off Broadway show, The Legendary, The Wonderful, The Empathetic. Bruce McCullough, everybody. I love you, brother. I hope to see you at some point.

But when you're done with your run and your adulation and your Tony, do they have an off-Broadway Tony? Is it called an Anthony? I don't know. They probably do. But I won't be able to. Hey, I won a little Antony down there in fucking Soho. Gave me two fucking.

Oh, it makes you feel better. I'm always on the internet version of whatever award show it is. They asked me if I wanted to present it at the Grammys, and I was so fucking excited. I thought I was on the Grammys. And I went and I bought like a $3,000 fucking suit, $2,000 suit, Tom Ford, and I fucking show up. I'm in the valley on the internet,

introducing the best Latino bands, and they didn't tell me how to pronounce anybody's name, and I mispronounced everything. And then all of these fucking white people, you know, who go to Taco Tuesday, got all fucking upset for Latino people. Well, maybe you should ask that agent that you give all that money to that

to ask more questions next time you get a booking. You know, I don't like being confrontational. This is all just an act. I'm wearing slippers right now. I know how sweet you are. That's how paid I am. I know. All right.

Well, listen, I pray for you and the Ukraine. Thank you, sir. And the dolphins and people that want to see, you know, their face drawn on a bathroom from door, so they can be like, yes, I feel identified. Now I can go shit in there and have a go. The ocean. Good luck with you and all the best for you and your act.

I like this. This is just like Hallmark heckling. It's like it's a person, right? Your act. Yeah, I like it. Give my best to your act. Okay. All right.

You win. You win. Bruce McCullough, everybody. Thank you so much. And break a leg on your wonderful run there from the October 14th through the 29th. I will be looking for a text message on October 30th, saying, Bill, I'm returning,

and I would love to spend Halloween with you. Playing in a total heterosexual life. All right. Thank you, Bill. All right. That's it. Thank you, everybody. Thank you for listening.

Bruce McCullough. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, October 13th, 2014. How's it going? How are you? What's going on?

Is everything good with you? Was everything good with you? Well, yeah, you look good. Yeah, I haven't seen you for a while. What else is going on? Oh, yeah? Oh, that's good. Me, nothing.

You know, same old shit. My fucking boss, you know, who's breaking my balls. Well, I'm not going to bore you with it, dude. What do you think about the past? Are they for fucking real? It's like, you know, which team are they? Um, I'm actually doing this out my living room. That's why I have the echo out here.

You know, like the old Capitol Records thing that they used to do, right? Chances are because I wear a silhouette. We got the construction workers downstairs. So if you hear some fucking banging around or whatever, that's just them finishing it up, finishing up the goddamn job. I always wonder what they think when I'm up here,

fucking singing and screaming and saying, cunt, you know, they probably think I'm yelling at my wife or bitching about the job they're doing, you know, maybe if they didn't have real jobs, they'd have time to listen to the podcast like you, like you are right now. How dare you in the middle of a fucking work week in the United States of America,

you just sitting here listening to this shit. You know, aren't we slipping enough? Or whatever the fuck you are around the world. Do you know this weekend I went out and I did, uh, I did a show at the spotlight 29 casino with let there be talks, uh, Dean del Rey of the let there be talk podcast and, uh, Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl legend and host of the, uh,

Puck off, um, podcast and, um, the peas popping. I gotta turn this fucking volume down here. Um, anyways, the, um, we weren't out there, we had a great time, but we were on our way out there. And, um, we're on the highway and I'm thinking, all right, there's fucking three of us here. We can use the, uh, the carpool lane.

And recently I've been getting these tickets for riding. I don't know what going through tolls and not paying. And I'm like, where the hell was that? And there's pictures of my car and shit and I'm on the highway. I had no idea what it was. And, um, I was riding out with those guys and they finally explained what it was. They said, um, that a private group bought up a section

of the, of the highway out here in Los Angeles and, um, they own it. And when you use it, you, you got to pay them money. You got to give them toll money and all that type of shit. And, uh, that was really scary to me because if they were going to do that, why wouldn't the state just do it? Why wouldn't they just say, well, fuck it, we'll just do it. And we'll collect that money. God knows we could use it, right?

But instead they sold it off to somebody. So what that says to me is this state is so fucking bankrupt. They don't even have time to just, you know, just collect money on roads that they already own. They have to sell off like a giant section of a highway. Who's that group that owns the giant section of the highway and how the fuck do I get involved in that's that, that business? I'll parachute right out of here.

I'll never, I'll do like fucking a podcast, seven days of goddamn week. I'll never go on the road again. Won't tell any jokes and you guys can just listen to me slowly slip into madness. Do you realize how fucking that's one of the greatest investments of all time? I own a stripper, like I own five miles of a fucking highway outside one of the most populated cities ever where there's no public transportation. For the most part, everybody's in a car and every time they go out through that fucking thing, dang, dang, dang, dang, 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents.

And I'm sitting here on my fucking couch just sitting here on my fucking couch. Just sitting here, the bag of pretzels and a fucking Miller high life. Right. Just sitting here, 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents. It's the greatest fucking thing ever. Oh, and I know what you do. What about the overhead? What about it? It's already fucking made.

When do you have to pave it once every four, five years? If that, I remember back in the day, the mass bike, the whole time I was there, they, they paved that thing one time. I don't know what it is, whatever, whatever, man. Who gives a, how much could that fuck? Well, shit, that could cost a lot of money. Wait a minute. I know if you do any sort of driveway, they always come in,

it's going to be about 20 grand. Is it? All right, more like three. Um, that could get expensive. I guess that could get expensive, but dude, I'm telling you, that is the move. If you can somehow get in with the people that are going to start buying up the fucking roads over here. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I would be such an obnoxious ass if I was making money like that. I'd start wearing wife beaters and I'd have a fucking gold piece hanging around my neck that just said 45 cents. 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents. All right. I'd slowly just go fucking nuts thinking about it. Being like that guy, pick up the papers, pick up the papers. Hey, Bill, what do you want for lunch?

Let me get a roast beef sandwich. 45 cents, 45 cents. Yeah, don't, he gives you a little weird. He's a little weird, but don't worry, dude. He's fucking paying for the whole lunch. You know, he just kind of repeats himself a little bit. So whoever did that, good on you and whoever has been in office out here in California, fuck you, you spineless cunt, all of you.

How the fuck do you go bankrupt as a goddamn state? Everybody, go into work every day. You want to talk about 45 cents, 45 cents. These motherfuckers are getting money from everybody. You're getting free money, free money, taxes, free money. Hey, I'm going to go buy a fucking chapeau, put it on my big stupid round head. All right, that'll be $8 plus fucking, you know, whatever, 80 cents tax. There you go.

You didn't have to do a fucking thing state government. All you had to do is sit around and wait for me to go out and go buy a fucking hat. Free money. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. Coming in, big pile of fucking loot, and then you blow all of it. How do you go bankrupt as a state?

Jesus fucking Christ. Unbelievable. I don't even want to hear your fucking excuses. Well, you know, picture that little stretch of five mile hotel of highway. I mean, you got fucking the highway goes, you know, from San Diego all the way up. I'll go fuck yourself. You know what's in there around all those highways? A zillion fucking people all giving you money every time they go out to go buy themselves.

You know, some condoms and a pair of socks. You're fucking making money. You got plenty of goddamn money, but this is what happens. All right. The fucking public servants, the people who hold office, they don't make any money. They make no fucking money. I don't know what a senator makes. I know the president makes 400 grand a fucking year.

Okay. So if you're governor of Los Angeles, what are you taking down a year? What a hundred grand, a hundred grand to have everybody in the city say that you're a piece of shit. You're fucking everything up, right? You got to have security so nobody comes up and fucking shanks you every time you go out to go get a club sandwich. And not to mention it costs millions and millions and millions of dollars to campaign

to get that fucking job. And in the end, all you get is a hundred grand. Those guys, they are set up to be bribed. I, this is 100% believe this shit. So basically you're going for a job that's going to get you a hundred grand and you need millions and millions of dollars to fucking get the thing. So now you got to get in bed with all these fat cats that can fucking buy up the goddamn highways and that's what they do, right?

Tell you what, I'll finance your fault. Listen to me with a fucking shut up. I'm going to fucking, what do you need? What do you, how much money do you need for this? I'm eight, seven, nine million. What the fuck do you need? All right. Hey, 20, 40, 68, you fucking keep it.

All right, but all right, I or you in return, you got to give me, you got to give me 10 miles of the fucking 10 or the five. Let me get the five, all the fucking hippies driving up to San Francisco. Let me get 10, 10 miles of that. I'm not finished. Let me get 10 miles of that and let's make, let's make it a no fly zone over Disneyland, whatever the fuck they want, right? Then that's what happens, but whatever, you know what?

I'm going to do this job. I'm going to repay, I'm going to be the guy who fucking repays it. I'm going to donate $2 million to your fucking campaign so you can get this job that makes a hundred grand a fucking year and maybe eventually get to the White House. So you get that Marilyn Monroe side pussy and then you get to go on the fucking golden parachute million dollar a speech fucking gig after your retire. And in the meantime, I want the contract to do this job for the state and I'm going to charge you fucking $9 million for a hammer as the old fucking urban legend goes.

And that's how you go fucking bankrupt. There you go. Look at that dummy like me. That's my theory. Um, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast, as I mentioned, um, that was a good 10 minutes of horseshit horse belt W. Is it horseshit like you fucking who, uh, or is it horseshit? And you just say them so fast. It's whore.

You know what? I'm going to Google that right now. Let me see. I'm going to look up horseshit, H-O-R-E-S-H-I-T. You know, if you curse as much as I do, you should really find dictionary horseshit. It is a word shit, whore, shit, bitch, whorefish, whoreface. Look at this. She used to whoreshit.

Not embarrassed at all. She's used to horseshit or is it horseshit? I think we can all agree. It's definitely bullshit, right? Girls on IRC. This is urban dictionary. Girls on IRC, which I don't know what that is, who are desperate for attention and will latch onto any scum they find.

Also gets naked on cam for attention and sends out picks of themselves committing O-D-D-A-X to their anus. Jesus Christ. What's funny about the fucking urban dictionary? Just like the Webster in the dictionary. You got to look up like another five fucking words. O-D-D. I remember O-D-B.

That was old dirty bastard, old dirty dick. What? Sends out picks themselves committing to O-D-D-A-X. I feel like the white cop on Sanford and Sun right now. What's going off? O-D-D. What the fuck would that be? Other dudes' dicks?

Outpictures of themselves committing other dudes' dicks. X to that. Doesn't make sense. Ah, Jesus Christ. Now I got to look this up. See what happens? This is how you lose a whole fucking day. This is why nothing is getting done in this country.

Because you fucking go to the urban dictionary as a white guy like me. O-D-D. Oppositional defiant disorder. Now what the fuck? Jesus Christ. You know what? I don't even give a fuck anymore. Oh my god.

He has O-D-D. Force him, force drug him. It can't have anything to do with ridiculous excessive punishments or restrictions. Operational defiant disorder. Surprisingly it's real. A fake ass disorder pulled out of their asses. Of a small collective of psychiatrists working for pharmaceutical companies in order to maximize revenue. Of course there's no...

You know what's funny? I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. All right. I'll chalk that up to be white as fuck. Anyways. Plowing ahead here. You guys watching the football this week? Of course you did.

Of course you did. You had nothing better to do just like me. You like how I'm doing that? I'm dragging you into my own fucking world. I actually didn't watch too much of it. I was running around like a maniac. I did watch my Patriots. Don't let the final score fool you.

It was a lot closer than you thought it was. I mean, we were only up by eight with four minutes to go against the Buffalo Bills. This is why I can't buy into the Patriots team yet. People are like, oh yeah, they beat the baggles. You know, we had a close game against the Raiders. They're Raiders, right? They've stunk. I don't know, they've stunk.

I don't know, they've stunk since they were in LA. Who's kidding who? No, that's not true. They had the, uh, the snowcone game where they lost to us because of an obscure rule. I love how Raider fans think that that game was bullshit. It wasn't bullshit. The rule was bullshit. But the call was not bullshit.

It was right on the money. What was bullshit was the roughing the passer call against Sugar Bear Hamilton that got the Raiders into Super Bowl XI. All right, so quit your crying. Go put on your makeup and your stupid fucking costume and go sit in the end zone and think that you're intimidating somebody. Oh, you might intimidate me. I'm in the stands.

No one gives a shit about me, but you're not going to intimidate a professional football player with your goddamn outfit. When I look at, when I, when I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, when I look into the fucking end zone of the goddamn Raiders, right? And I see the sadness that, that fan base has become. I'll never get over, because I fucking love the Raiders. I, that is one of the most, that is arguably the best logo

in all of national football. The, everybody, who the fuck hasn't tried to rip off putting some sort of black into their uniform to try to be more intimidating, or at least the amount of people who have, right? Atlanta Falcons, the old Houston Oilers. Didn't they do that? Or Jerry Glanville just went on and got a black jacket.

That fucking idiot. He shouldn't have been a head coach. He should have been on like Falcon Crest, or the Dukes of Hazards or something like that. Who else? Everybody for a while, I can't remember. Everybody would always switch their uniforms to black because they want to be more fucking intimidating

when their Raiders were smart enough from day one, right? The silver and black, and they had a fucking pirate on the side of their helmet. They've never had to change it. Look at, look at, every fucking team out there had to change it. Had to, eventually, was like, all right, you know, what the fuck were we thinking in 1960 or 19, whatever? Everybody has fucked with their goddamn logo, except for their Raiders.

They never had to. They got it right, right out of the gate. Like that fat fuck, they pull out of the stands to try to hit a half court fucking shot, right? So he can go out and go win a fucking Dodge Opal, or whatever the fuck they're giving away. Oh my God, I can't even afford the insurance, right? Some meaty, fat, tit fucking moron goes out there.

Nothing but net. That's what they did back in 1960. And sure, there's other teams that couldn't admit that they fucked up, like the Dolphins. When you really think about the Dolphins, that is probably the worst fucking name. Considering the sharks was still on, that was still available. They could have been the sharks.

They could have had some badass fucking logo. I mean, if you're gonna go with some sort of porpoise type looking fish, right? What do they do? They pick the Dolphins. Why don't you just call yourselves the pussies, right? That logo should have had a fucking beach ball right on the end of its goddamn nose.

So anyways, but they stick with this thing for so goddamn long. They win two Super Bowls. They go undefeated back when you played like fucking 12 games and nobody gave a shit. There was no pressure whatsoever, right? They went to another two Super Bowls, I think, yeah, in the 80s. One with Don Strock and one with Dan Marino. And after a while, you just kind of forgot

that they were the Dolphins and they had that silly ass logo. And it had never dawned on me again how stupid that fucking name and logo was until they changed it. They changed it, what, last year? I think they changed it last year. I think I already made fun of the logo. But whenever I look at that logo, that logo to me looks like it's the logo of a corporation that just had a massive fucking oil spill in the gulf.

And now they're trying to pretend like they give a shit about the environment. So they switch up their logo, you know, kind of like BP did. They put like that fucking looks like corn and grass is the color of their logo. Like, oh, well, they care about us. They care about the trees. They don't. All right. How far into this fucking podcast are we at this point?

18 minutes, another fucking nine minutes of bullshit. There we go. Well, it's time for a little bit of advertising. All right. All right. There you go. I think that's fucking hilarious. There's a couple of things that are really,

when you watch like an NFL football game, did you have you like watch the advertising? Like how much of a fucking like psycho loser they think you are? First of all, they've run in that fucking that ad every 10 minutes. Don't hit women. No more. No more. She slipped on the coffee cake.

No more. I was stretching and accidentally pushed her down the stairs. No more. No more. No more. We were playing football and she tried to block a kick. She tried to block the the punt. Dude, she was rough in me.

She's not supposed to run into the kick and fall up my fault. My fucking sneaker hit her face, you know. So they got that going on. So basically white, they think we're wife beaters. All right. Every five seconds, you got some sort of, you know, your dick doesn't get hard and you're going bald. You're a balding, limp dick wife beater.

Right. And then they run the fucking DraftKings. You're a degenerate gambler. You're a degenerate gambling bald, limp dick fucking wife beater. Nothing positive. They're fucking no more commercial fucking annoys me because I feel like they're yelling at me and I don't hit women. So why don't you fucking tone it down a little bit?

Okay. I actually tweeted this out. You know, when you watch a WNBA game, do they start yelling at all the broads watching that shit? You know, no more marrying a guy just because he's got money, but you don't love him. No more. I'm used to a certain lifestyle.

Do they do that shit? Of course they don't. If you consider, I don't have something fucking wrong with it. They don't know more campaign. And everybody's dressed all in black, you know, they think on the cover of the fucking Beatles album. You know, my favorite part of all of it. Can somebody please explain to me how they didn't do a,

like didn't do any sort of background check on iced tea and he got in that fucking commercial? According to his albums, wasn't he a pimp at some point? I don't know. I don't know much about the Pimp It game, but as far as I know, you know, if you started off as a pimp, you probably made your first million smacking bitches every couple of seconds. Huh? Bitch, where's my money?

Oh, I love iced tea. Every time you fucking see that guy, he's always talking about the street. You know, yo, I could make, I could make five grand at 20 minutes every fucking time. And I don't give a fuck what you bring up iced tea is going to bring up the street and how much money he could make how quickly. Hey, iced tea, isn't it a beautiful day out here?

I'll tell you what's beautiful. When I was out on the street, I could make five grand at 20 minutes. Yeah, I was just kind of talking about the weather. Every fucking one of those VH1 things from 10 years ago, all those behind the musics, anything, blah, blah, blah. Why don't we give a fuck what they were talking about? Ice tea eventually came on and told you that he could make five grand at 20 minutes. When I was out on the street,

the pimping game, see the pimping game, I'll shut up about the fucking pimping game. I hate how that whole thing is romanticized. See, when you get some runaway to go out and sell her pussy for money, there's an art to it. Is it your fucking creep? You know what's funny? I don't even know.

Was he a, was he a pimp? All those albums fucking ran together. They all came out. They were so fucking overwhelming when I first heard them. You know, I'm sitting here, a little white boy living in the cul-de-sac and all of a sudden EZE and all these guys came out. I couldn't keep up with who was getting shot. Who was getting smacked.

So I might be wrong on that one, but am I the only one who was like, wait a minute. That's that guy who can make five grand at 20 minutes, smacking bitches out there and selling crack, right? No more. Ah, Jesus. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, let's get down to the football this week.

So I watched the Patriots. Obviously, there was a big victory on the AFCs. The weak, limp-dicked fucking AFC East. Jesus Christ, man. What has happened to the fucking Jets? B-b-b-bitty in the Jets. They're fucking falling off the face of the earth. Now, what a lot of people would think,

that the Patriots are going to have an easy victory. Come this Thursday on Thursday Night Football, and I'm here to tell you that probably won't happen. I'm actually not buying it. Because, uh, oh, Jets always play as tough. All right. I'm going to sell you a bad game. The Patriots versus the Jets Thursday Night Football.

All right. You know, I'll tell you, the Jets, yeah, they got their backs up against the wall. You know, I wouldn't count out this Rex Raitin. They still bought into his system. I know they've lost nine games in a fucking row. Um, they're actually in a, uh, it was actually a rough, uh, a rough week, uh, for, um,

New York football, huh? Giants got this shit kicked out. I mean, Eagle's really that fucking good. I mean, I just, I don't know. I just kept thinking, you know, all right, the Giants are going to make some sort of halftime adjustment at some point, right? It was brutal though, huh?

Crews got fucking that brutal injury. Oh, look at this shit here. I'm on a New York post. Hard to believe radio hosts excuse for mocking crew's injury. A Philadelphia radio host added insult to injury Sunday night. Mocking Giants star receivers Victor Cruz after he injured his right knee in the second half loss. How is it hard to believe that anybody in Philly does anything

other than I guess if they act like human beings, then it's actually hard to believe. Crews who had just dropped a fourth down pass in the end zone tore his pateller tendon out on the play and immediately grabbed his knee. Mike Missinelli. Hey, Mike fucking Missinelli, a radio host for 97.5,

the fanatic made fun of Cruz's salsa dancing as he writhed in pain. I gotta admit, that's kind of funny. Hey, Giants fans, Victor Cruz is over. Dance to that. Oh, God. Okay, wait a minute. I thought he was going to be like, I thought he was going to do something like that.

That would have made me laugh. As Cruz was carted off in tears, the fans in attendance at Lincoln Financial Field gave him a sincere round of applause. Oh, look at that. See, look at me. I'm saying all Eagle fans are bad. I guess they're not.

And Missinelli soon backtracked, deleting the tweet and replacing it with multiple apologies. Somebody was home drunk watching the game. Hey, Giants fans, Cruz is done. Dance to that tweet. Just sitting there laughing. That's a good one. That'll get me some more listeners.

And all of a sudden, all the hate starts coming in. He starts sweating all over the place, except down on his balls because he's wearing meundies. Meundies, no more sweaty balls. This is what he wrote. He said, I apologize for the Cruz tweet. I didn't see that he got hurt on the play, was outside the stadium and saw he dropped it,

walking to my car. You lion sack of shit. He goes, I just saw on big screen outside stadium that he dropped the pass. Didn't see that he got hurt on the play. My bad. I would never have tweeted that had I known he got injured. Please know that.

Know what? You're foolish, dude. Victor Cruz is over right there. That means you know he got hurt. Ah, Jesus. You know what? This guy doesn't need meundies. Meundies, no more sweaty balls

because he doesn't have any balls. Just say, listen, I was at the game. I got fucking hammered. And I made a joke that a lot of people made. I was actually in a cigar bar last night watching the game and somebody made that joke. And people laughed and was like, oh, you know. But you know, what the fuck?

You're going to sit there. Every time you score a touchdown, the joke's just laying there waiting for somebody to say it. He could bind that with some alcohol and you combine that he's in Philly. So he's got to be at least three quarters of a fucking animal, animal. The voice is cracking.

I actually had a great time. I went to this awesome cigar bar last night and I watched the Giants Eagles game. Even though the game was just fucking, it was just so one-sided. It's just a wire, a wire ass kicking. And we actually was sitting there and Jesus Christ, they hammered right underneath me.

This is what has been people for the last fucking six months. I know what you think. In six months, Jesus, Bill, what are they rebuilding the whole downstairs? Yes. Yes, they are. And now they're going to put in the hard word floors and then they found out the floor wasn't level. And the guy fucking goes, hey, Bill,

was this downstairs area ever outside? Yeah, it was. Let me guess. Let me guess. It used to be some sort of half ass porch. So they had it raked at a nice fucking, whatever, 15 degree angle. So the rain water would roll off it.

Now it's inside. Whatever. When you're downstairs in my house, you just feel like you're on a boat that's making a left turn or a right turn, depending on which way you walk. And I don't give a fuck. No, it's not that bad.

I never even noticed, to be honest with you, but he went down there with a level and that little ball just kind of rolled a little bit to the side. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I give a fuck, but I don't have any more money. I don't have any more money to throw at that.

Okay, I'm cutting you off. All right, son, it's over. You got to get out in the world and get a fucking job. So anyways, went out there with a couple of buddies, smoked a couple of cigars, and was watching the game. It was just a wire to wire fucking beat down. And I don't know.

I was disappointed in the game. I was impressed, obviously, with Philly. I know the Giants started off rough. They've been playing better. But still, I didn't think it was going to go like that. And I've actually, I've always loved the NFC East. It's always just been great football, always great rivalries and that type of thing.

It's sucked that the Redskins have not been a factor for so long because those Cowboy Redskins games were always great when I was growing up. But I guess there's always one team that's going to suck in your division. Somebody's got to come and last. It's just been them for a while for whatever reason. All right, is that all I had to say in football?

I honestly didn't watch a lot. I would have to think that they're fucking calling for Rex Ryan's head at this point. Or are they still sticking with him? Are they still sticking with the guy? I'm actually going to be upset if he gets fired because I love watching him lose, you know? And if they fire him, I don't get to do that anymore.

All right, here we go. What do we got here? Spit it out, Bill. New York Post Sports, all right. Kevin Durant hurt his foot. The Yankees, A-Rod mysteries are much deeper than you think. Oh, A-Rod, my favorite Yankee of all time. The $200 million Albatross.

Let's see, Gronk Swagger returning to the Patriots. I guess he made a quote. They should get laid. What the fuck? Jets, pick six, ending a gambling miracle for Bronco's backers. Yeah, I don't see them getting, saying get rid of Rex Ryan yet. Well, that's very surprising for the New York Post.

They usually got the sky is falling after two fucking days. All right, I got to look at this story here. Sorry, guys. I'm just, you just listen to me read the newspaper this week. Gronk Swagger to the Patriots. They should get laid. Rob Gronkowski is always looking out for his teammates. Following New England's decisive 37-22 win.

I love how it was decisive. We were up by eight with four minutes to go. Somebody didn't watch the game. He just looked at the final score. 37-22 win over the Bills on Sunday. The Patriots tight end wanted to give credit to the often overlooked offensive line. He goes, they're the ones who should,

oh, they're the ones who should get laid tonight. Gronkowski said, that's very nice of him. See, that wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. All right, enough with the frigging football. How about the baseball? How about the baseball? You guys been watching that shit?

I've been watching the Royals. I haven't watched the Giants Cardinals. I saw that Cardinals had a walkoff last night, which is awesome. But hang on a second. Where the fuck did that story go? God damn it. The New York Post actually had a fucking great story about some nurse, because I don't want to have this

all be sports and listen to you guys fucking whining at me. How much do you do for the people who don't like sports? All right, here's one for you. For people who aren't into sports, nurse accused of killing 38 patients she found annoying. Cops arrested a nurse in Northeast Italy. Hey, how you doing? In connection with deaths of as many as 38 patients

whom she may have killed because she found them or their relatives annoying. Wow. Daniela Poggiali, a 42-year-old resident from the town of Lugo, was taken into custody over the weekend and booked for allegedly slaying, the alleged slaying of a 78-year-old patient. Rosa Calderoni, who died from an injection of potassium.

Calderoni had been admitted to the hospital with a routine illness before she died unexpectedly. Test shows she died with a high amount of potassium, which can provoke cardiac arrest in her bloodstream, according to Central European News. Her death triggered an investigation which found that 38 others had died mysteriously. Waipoggiali was on duty, the news agency reported.

One of Poggiali's fellow nurses described her as a cold person but always eager to work. Wow. Another one of Poggiali's colleagues said that the accused nurse was once reported for giving powerful laxative to patients at the end of her shift to make work tougher for the nurses working after her.

Filed under crime, Italy. Jesus Christ. Now there's a person who never got hugged as a child, huh? What a fucking, so I mean, I shouldn't say that, man. You know, because she hasn't been convicted of anything. Why did, why do they do that? Why do they protect the alleged victim but not the alleged accused?

I saw something last night that was saying that this, this person out here attacked a 68-year-old woman with like a broomstick or something outside of a fucking ATM. And so then they show this guy's face, right? And they just, I'll just random fucking name. They're like, they show the guy's face on TV as mugshot and they go, and that is when Scott Walker, allegedly,

took a broomstick and smashed a 68-year-old woman over the head with it at an ATM. It's like, allegedly, you don't even know if you got the right fucking guy. This guy's face is all over the fucking news. Why did, why did we have to see somebody's face before they convicted? I don't understand that.

Like, you know, how do you fucking make a comeback from that? Hey, aren't you the guy who allegedly, who got accused, fucking, what is the work, accused assaulter of a 68-year-old woman? Like, how do you get a fucking job after that? Anyways, the amount of times that they get the wrong person, don't you think that they should maybe hold off on showing the photo?

Anybody? Bueller? Anybody? Anybody at all? Does anybody give a shit on any level whatsoever? What the hell's with the recorder? Don't even tell me. Don't even tell me I knocked it off.

Ah, fuck. Okay, good. I thought for half a second I shut it off. I'm actually late today because, oh, Billy Boy's got a day job. Oh, Billy Boy's got a day job right in a fucking show that I can't wait for you guys to see, but I'm not allowed to talk about it

until they announce it. Once they announce it, I'll give you a little bit of hype on it. I think you're going to enjoy it. That's all I can fucking say. Hey, I want to thank everybody who came out to the spotlight 29 Casino to see Dean Del Ray, Joe Bartnick, and myself.

We had a wonderful time. Out there. I got to do more stand-up though, man. I really miss doing it. I've been writing this fucking show and kind of burning it at both ends. So I got to figure that out, but I'm basically straight out writing this thing

until Thanksgiving. And then my schedule eases up a little bit more. I do have coming up. I got some great gigs coming up. I'm doing the 20th anniversary of Comics Come Home, the great thing that, the great benefit foundation, whatever the hell you call it, that Dennis Leary and Cam Neely started 20 years ago

for the Cam Neely house, which basically when, fortunately, I think Cam lost both of his parents. I know at least one of his parents, he lost the cancer. They weren't like the hospital and that type of thing. So they've made up the Cam Neely house. And so it's just a place like during treatment where people can, rather than sitting in a hospital,

can actually feel at home. It's a great thing. It's a great thing and it's 20 years. I can't believe that because I did either Comics Come Home two or three way back in 1996. So I don't know if they were 94, 95, 96. That was number three. If this is the 20th one,

does this the 20th, 20 years or the 20th one? You know what I mean? Like he played 19 years, 20 seasons. Like I can't figure it out, but whatever. This is either the 20th or the 20th year that they've been doing it. And I'm going to be up there and it's going to be an absolute murderer's row of stand-up comedians on that thing.

And one of them I can't wait to see is going to be Steven Wright who is arguably one of the best comedians I've ever seen. I mean, he is. There's no argument there. He just is. I can't wait to see him and it's going to be awesome. So I got that going on. And then the next day, I'm going to be at Giggles Comedy Club

in Saugus, on like November 9th, doing a benefit up there. And then the following week, I'm out in Florida. And what is that? I didn't know what the f**king date is. Why don't I look here? I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to. In November, I'm basically, I'm going out for Thursday night football

when the Dolphins play the Bills. And I'm going to the Thursday night game. And then the next night I am in, can you tell I'm trying to open windows? That's why I'm f**king talking slower. I'm in, I'm at the West Palm Beach Improv in West Palm Beach, Florida. And doing a couple shows there.

Me, Paul Verzi. And the next day, I'm going to the Miami Hurricane, Florida Seminole game. Unfortunately, it's where the Miami Hurricanes play. So I don't have to listen too much to that. Yeah. Fortunately, I won't have to do that. The amount of people who do that

and actually think that that's, you know, like Native Americans actually used to do that. Like that's actually one of their songs, rather than it was just some horseshit that Hollywood made up that and going, they'll have bullshit. You know, it's so f**king crazy is how that stuck around for this goddamn long.

The people came up with that s**t. Do you understand that they came up with that s**t when people didn't even know how to act yet? At least on film or whatever like that. That was like 30 years before why I oughta. Let me tell you something. Say all of that stupid f**king horrible acting before Marlon Brando came around and changed the game.

What's up, Cleo? What are you doing? Give me a buddy. Come here. How you doing? Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you.

Good to see you. You taking a nap? Yeah, that was rough, wasn't it? Going to the side of the house, relieving yourself, and then eating a whole f**king can of dog food. You must be exhausted. I can really see why you have to go there and take another nap.

Huh? What do you do all day? Nothing. Why are you always sleeping? I want an answer. Nothing. Microphone right in the muzzle. I get nothing.

All right, get out here. All right. Okay, go on. F**king love that dog. F**king love that dog, man. I will never not have a dog. You know, in fact, you know, this one here,

if we got another dog, we'd probably try to kill it unless it was a baby boy from what I heard. So, I don't need that drama in my house. My dog's a psycho because somebody beat the s**t out of it before I got it. So, I'm going to keep this dog, you know,

and hopefully, God willing, how old is she? Five, six years? I didn't want to think about this. However long she lasts. And, but then the next round, I'm getting two. I'm going to need a blue nose

and a red nose pity. A couple of puppies. And that's it. I'm always going to have f**king dogs. They just make your life better. They really do. So anyways, hey, listen to this. Oh, Billy f**king booze bag is,

is seven days sober. Eight days. I haven't drank in eight days. It's f**king great. Now I'm ready to go on a f**king run. That's all it takes. Those of you guys trying to knock off the booze, unless you're like a serious f**king alcoholic,

which fortunately, I don't suffer from that. It takes like five days for me is the tip and point. If I'm like three, four days in, I'm like, yeah, if this doesn't seem like a streak, you know, like, ah, you know what, I'm not playing tonight. You know, I'm going to sit back and f**king drink a beer, you know.

But why don't you get, you know, switch five, six days in. I got a nice little run going here. Little Cal Ripken junior, junior, junior going on here. Right. I want to see how long I can go. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I went to the, I went to the store and I got a bunch of those little f**king plastic tins of a bunch of veggie s**t. And I just shoved that down my pie hole. And now I got my body craving that again. I swear to God, man. I swear to God. The amount of people who are f**king addicted

to sugar and salt has to be off the charts. But I might be doing that thing where I'm taking my life and superimposing it on everybody else's, you know what I mean? Like, well, if I suffer from this, then you must suffer from it. But I'm telling you, all I have to do is wake up in the morning by do, by dot, boop.

And I just oatmeal with a f**king banana in it. That fills me up. And then if I go and I get a salad with a f**king protein for lunch, it's over. Then that's all it takes to kind of break that sugar salt, sugar salt, sugar salt, f**king horses**t going back and forth. Pizza, cookies, ice cream, f**king burger, fries.

Then you feel it. You feel yourself going off the rails, all f**king hyped up on the salt. I got to get some sugar. I got to f**king level. Yeah, you do a line of f**king sugar that levels you out. Then you wake up the next day and both of them are still fighting inside your body.

And you wake up, what do you get? Ah, do you get oatmeal? No, you grab the fruit loops. You grab the fruit loops. Then you're walking out the door all hopped up on sugar. You take a handful of, you f**king literally empty out all the pretzels and just drink the salt at the bottom of the bag

just so you can get the f**king work. You know, and then you just keep chasing it. So, I actually talked to somebody on Twitter actually sent me a little tweet saying that they started eating like the salads and everything and they started craving that stuff and they dropped like 20 pounds. You know, obviously I'm no nutritional

or fitness f**king guru but I can't tell you if you just start eating that way. It's impossible. Who likes going to the f**king gym? Nobody. What would you rather do? Would you rather spend 45 f**king minutes on a treadmill or just sit down

and over the course of five minutes just eat a salad? You know, with some f**king chicken breast on there or some salmon? You know, maybe you just go like a total veggie one with some beans in there. It's f**king over. Wouldn't you rather do that than eating the s**t you want to eat

and then jumping on a treadmill wearing out your hips, your knees, and your feet f**king trying to run. I'm going to run one mile. I'm going to walk the next mile. Just eat a f**king salad. Put your feet up. Eat a salad.

Last night when I watched the game I actually was sitting in a cigar bar so I'm killing myself that way but as far as food goes I actually... What did I get? I ordered this beets and goat cheese salad which back in the day I would be like you f**king pussy, right?

I threw that thing down my throat filled me up. I wasn't hungry and I woke up today and you know my alabaster stomach wasn't sticking out as far as I thought it was going to be. Made me happy. I woke up this morning happy

seeing that and what did I do? Did I have to lift a bunch of weights? Did I have to run up and down the f**king street? Did I have to do a bunch of burpees standing in the sand next to some f**king tanned up chick who's never going to f**k me? No, I didn't. I just sat in a f**king lazy boy

and fueled my body with the goddamn salad. Can't recommend it enough. Haven't said all that. I don't know s**t about nutrition but I do know if you get a f**king beaten goat cheese salad with a little commonized f**king pecans and that's absolutely delicious.

I highly recommend it. I want you guys walking around f**king being fat f**ks. Who wants to be a fat f**k? You there in the back. You want to be a fat f**k? Well, good for you. All right, let's get to the questions for this week.

All right, Japan. Dear Billy, I'm wondering when you're going to come to Japan and if there's a reason you have not. You have spoken about the food many times as being your favorite along with Italian. The countryside is beautiful so you could get in a good hike.

Love you and love Nia. Well, you know what, sir? You tell me where I can go perform over there. Are there enough English-speaking Japanese that are going to understand my humor? Because I would love to go to Tokyo. I would love to go to Japan. You know what?

I'm going to f**king make this happen. That's it. I'm going. You tell me where to go. You write me back. You tell me where to go. I know that there's obviously, we still have bases over there

from that whole World War II thing. Sorry about that, by the way. You know, I know we went a little hardcore with the second one. So it's about time I come over there with a little f**king olive branch and do my stupid, you know, my stupid little f**king tricks there.

Little somersault there. A little punch line there. Dude, I would absolutely love to go over there. You know, obviously huge fan of the food, huge fan of the f**king architecture and everything that I've seen over there, both the old and the new. That whole thing where you f**king

beat all those dolphins to death. I don't know about that s**t, but I'm sure you're not doing it. Whatever. Look at that. Alrighty. We've got some comedy there. I don't know s**t about your country.

There. I said it. But I want to go. I've never been to Asia. I'd love to go over there. I'd love to go to Japan, see the Great Wall and all of that s**t. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I know that that's in China. All right. Let's not get crazy. I do. This is what I know about Asia. Okay. As far as I know,

the Japanese are basically the white people of Asia in that they feel that they are the most superior. And over the course of the centuries, they have tried to impose their will on the other people around them. Is that true? Why would I say this about the country

that wants me to go there? Because I'm a f***** moron. Then you got Korea. You got North Korea. You got South Korea. North Korea has that one of the rarest things you'll ever see in the world, which is an out of shape Asian guy

running their country. Okay. The North Koreans. So all the North Korean people are starving, and this guy is walking around as basically a fat face tub of s**t. This is what kills me about this guy. Okay.

If you're going to be a dictator, you know, you got to feed you. If you want it to last, I guess his dad was able to starve everybody. Dude, if I was a dictator, I would be such a good s**t. No one would try to take me over. You know, I wouldn't be out there raping and pillaging.

I would run it nice. It would be all my f***** rules, but I would be a nice guy about it. When people go, you know, we're kind of getting sick of that. I'd be like, you know, I can see that. I can see that. Not because I really see it,

just because I don't want you guys to eventually come and make an attempt on my life. So, you know, what would you like? See, I don't have the backbone to be a dictator. Then you got China. You got a zillion f***** people, which isn't that kind of Japan's fault because they kept invading them.

So then they were like, we're going to have so many f***** people that no matter how many of us you kill, there's going to be another wave coming over and now look at them. God damn air over there is like brown. What else do I know? Do I know anything positive?

Do I know anything positive? Yeah, I know something positive. All the martial arts come from there. You got yoga, came up from f***** India. And I know you guys had a wonderful life until the English got there and f***** everything up, which is pretty much, you know what,

that's the default answer around the world. Yeah, everything was going great. And then the English people came there and said, all right, these people here are a little bit better than those people there, a little bit better than those people there. And we're running s**t and go f***** yourself, settle in for the next 100 years.

And then you'll force this out, then we're going to leave and you guys can continue fighting this fight that we created that never really existed because you're really all the same people who should love one another and get along. Right?

Anyways, Beatles album, Bill, Dear Billy, 100.7 FM. A buddy of mine recently got in an argument over which has, which has Beatles album? Do you guys even reread what the f***** you wrote? A buddy of mine recently got in an argument over which Beatles album is probably your favorite. Real intellectual stuff going on over here.

He's making fun of himself. I'm saying, I'm saying it's let it be or the white album. He says it's Rubber Soul. Oh, come on, man. How do you pick a favorite Beatles album? I mean, I definitely like their s**t after, you know, they weren't clean cut

just singing like, you know, we're jigging up women now. I hate that s**t. She loves you. Yeah. Yeah. Hate that s**t.

But when they grew out their hair and started doing drugs, I love all of that s**t. But it's been so long since I've listened to them. I'll have to get back to you on that one. What's amazing about Beatles music is they, it's the s**t that they talk about.

It's still f**king timeless. What's that one say? I'm looking through you. Where did you go? I thought I knew you. What did I know? You don't look different, but things have changed.

I'm looking through you. You're not the same, right? That's just classic. When you're in a f**king relationship, when you're young and you think you're really into this person then just one day the way they answer the phone,

they just do something. You just like, and you're just like, this isn't, you think they changed. It's just you're just learning more about the person and you're realizing like,

this isn't what I thought it was going to be. Kind of like my house. So I like that one. I also like, obviously like the white album. I like, I love Let It Be. I mean, Sergeant Peppermint, come on. And then you got Revolva.

I like all of those. You know, you know what's funny is it's been so long since those albums come out that there's a lot of young people that think the Beatles actually aren't, they're overrated or they stink. And that's just because

all that f**king music has come out since then that's completely ripped them off. It's kind of like the Richard Pryor thing where how f**king brilliant he was. And then after like the fifth or sixth season of Def Jam Comedy, where everybody was doing those white people do this,

black people do that s**t. And it was just to turn it in from Richard Pryor's specific white guy that he was doing to just that generic, oh, I gotta go do my taxes. It just kind of took away some of the s**t that he was doing.

The only way to try to, because there's no way to go back in time, the only way to try to like get yourself in that headspace, look at like a top 100 and see what else was in the top 10 and listen to that s**t versus the Beatles album.

I guess that's the closest thing I would say. I don't know. Who knows? Anyways, all right, Bill, I'm a female and I love your comedy. Oh my god. Ding, ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Well, I'm gonna be cliche and start by telling you what a huge fan I am. Ah, yeah, but thank you. Thank you so much. I have so many female friends that are the epitome of what you say about them. No day off for their man or constantly want to fix or change them.

I've always been pretty mellow and from what my husband says, I am a dude trapped in a girl's body. I'm sure he might be exaggerating a bit, but it makes me smile to know he thinks that I'm cool. Oh yeah, that's one of the best compliments you can get. If your boyfriend or husband

or whatever thinks you're cool. And I know I'm not trying to be a fucking sexist cunt here. Like, oh, you should be. Oh, wow. Oh, I'm so flattered that you fucking gave me that compliment. All right, don't get your tits in an uproar here.

I'm just saying if the guy in your life, actually, if you're fun to hang out with, that's a very rare thing. Because usually we're trying to get away from you. Anyways, she says I'm rambling. Now, you know for sure I'm a woman. She goes, I spoke, I saw this quote from a movie

and wanted to share it with you. Do not try to change him. That's why so many marriages fail. Before he removes the wedding veil, the wife starts to change the husband's happiness. His thoughts, his friends. And when she's brainwashed him and remothered him completely,

she wonders what happened to the man that fascinated her, the one she fell in love with. Just a thought, just thought you would enjoy that. And hopefully one of these days we'll be able to see you live. You were on our bucket list, joking.

Thanks for your time, faithful fan. No, these two emails deal with the same situation. Might want to read both together and give one answer. Oh, that's from my guy here. All right. Well, I'll read them both together then. How to change gears with a lady.

Hey Bill, I've been away from home for nine months and whenever I get a little blue missing friends and family from back home, I just toss on your part. God, enough with the compliments. No one, I appreciate them. But people just want to hear the question here. I was hoping you could give me some advice.

I'm living in a little house in Indonesia with a lady who I've been best friends with for six years. We're staying here for the next month. I hadn't seen this girl in over a year before we met up a few days ago. Problem is in the last couple of days I've totally fallen for her. Oh, Jesus.

I'm not sure why I never felt this way about her until now. Probably because you're in fucking Indonesia. You know? That's probably probably the middle of fucking nowhere and this is your only option. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. We've always made each other laugh

and always loved the same things, but we never... Oh my God. What am I going to do here? I'm just going to let it ring. Who answers their home phone anymore? Hi, my name is Bert Lunderquist and I'm running for fucking state cunt...

whatever the fuck it is. We've always made each other laugh and always loved the same things, but we just never went beyond a friendship. Now I'm really jealous when I see her around other guys. So here's my big idea. I was thinking about asking her out on a date.

Why don't I have the default ringer at like two rings? Because I never do anything to make my life easy. One more. And that should be it. Dude, I fucked... Ah, you cunt! All right, anyway. He goes, I know it's weird

because we're sharing a house and we know each other so well, but I thought it would be better to just say, do you want to go on a date with me and then offer to take her out for dinner? Are you fucking serious? And to see a band... Oh my God, who is on the other end

that isn't hanging up yet? I'm going to pick that up and it's going to go seven days. I'm not picking up. Ah, thank Christ. All right, we know each other so well, but I thought it would be better to just say, do you want to go on a date with me

and then offer to take her out for dinner and to see a band like a would if this was someone I just met rather than make some heavy confession about my feelings? That way it's more of a fun thing. We could try rather... That's more of a fun thing we could try rather than some big serious decision she has to make. I thought if she was a bit reluctant,

I might try saying that our friendship is strong enough to survive one bad date. Dude, I think you're killing it right now. I would have never thought to do that. I would have been like, tell her how you feel. No, fuck that. I like what you're doing. I like it way better.

So am I a moron for thinking this? Absolutely not. Is this just going to make our month together in this place awkward and potentially ruin the trip? Should I just keep my mouth shut and try to enjoy the fact that this amazing woman is my friend? Thanks in advance, Bill. You're one of a kind.

I know that I'm trying to ask... Listen, I think you should do exactly what you want to do. Who knows? Maybe these feelings are real. Maybe they're not. And you wouldn't be a man if you didn't ruin a friendship with your dick. Everybody does it.

Everybody does it. Now, I don't know how that tied into the one above here, but I think you're killing it. But as far as that quote that that woman said, yeah, I would agree with that. But I also think guys do the same thing. Guys do the same. You know what?

You know what also happens, I think, in a relationship is you get so comfortable if you forget to keep yourself looking good around each other. You know what I mean? Is there anything fucking worse than when you're in a relationship and your girlfriend is just comfortable coming out just dressed like shit?

I'm not saying that she always has to get fucking dolled up, but you know, it's the end of the night. We're going to go watch a fucking movie, you know? How long does it take to put on some fucking cute little pajama, fucking half little hoary halter top kind of thing? You can't do that. That takes two seconds.

Put your hair in a fucking ponytail. Bink, bang, boom. You come out. You make me feel like, oh, yeah, all right. You know, I made a good choice here. You know, you come out and you're fucking, you know, in that goddamn fat suit, whatever the fuck, you know, that sweatpants and hoodie.

Toes all fucked up. I mean, I just, it's just, you know, it's awful. And then the same thing goes for the guys. You know what I mean? All of a sudden you get a woman. You start needing fucking mozzarella sticks and all that shit. You're coming out there with your wife beater and your mantits hanging out the fucking side

like John Bonham towards the end of his career. That awful fucking picture when he's sitting down. This is, this is, this is a critical thing. When you're fat standing up to, all right. The last thing you need to do is fucking sit down with a wife beater on because then it's just, it's just the roles. So they don't want to see that either.

That's the thing is a guy, man. You got, you got, you know, keep yourself in good shape, shower and all that type of shit. Just try to keep doing that throughout the fucking relationship. Coming out all fucking scruffy and bleary eyed, you know, working on a pair of mantits. Women don't want to look at that.

Same way we don't want to look at them looking all fucked up. So there you go. Don't take the person you're with for granted. All right, look at me. Just telling everybody what the fuck to do. All right, last one I got to do. And then I got to, I got to go to work. Yeah, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, do, do, do.

All right, hey contraceptive pill, Bill. I'm coming to the end of my high school life with just a few weeks to go. And there's one girl I've been waiting to ask out for a while. Well, don't wait any longer. She's hot, smart, funny, witty. You fucking get it. But she's in a different social group to me.

And I just know how I should, I just don't know how I should go about asking her out since we spent most of the past two years taking the same classes yet I've barely talked to her. How would you go about talking to this girl that you have spent a lot of time around you? You both know each other, but you kept clear of. I feel like if I don't make a move,

I'll regret not doing it for the rest of my life since she seems like she would be an ideal girlfriend. A response would be great. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself and get your alabaster ass down to Australia soon. Please. All right, dude, what we should do, you should just go fucking ask her out.

Because here's the thing, nothing bad will come of that. Okay, you won't have regret. You'll fucking get over a fear, which will help you further down the line. And even if this woman says no now, who knows? Four or five years later, you run into her and she remembered that you liked her. You already broke down that fucking door.

You might bang her or go out with her and fall in love with her after your 50th fucking high school reunion. So this is what you do. This is what I wish I did. This is what you do right here. Fucking ask her out. She says no.

Just ask a bunch of them out. You know, fucking lay the groundwork. You like a salesman. You're making pussy cold calls here right now for the rest of your high school career. And then you hit every fucking reunion. And you show up with a goddamn, some sunglasses and a fucking white scarf

wrapped around your fucking neck like a hero. And I'm telling you, you'll be fucking pulling pussy out of there like those fucking Japanese guys clubbing those fucking dolphins to death. It's a bad reference, but you know what I mean. That's what you should do. Should absolutely 100% ask her out or whatever.

Just walking up to, hey, how you doing? She knows your fucking name. She'll say hello back. And just say, listen, you know, I've kind of been staring at your tits the last couple years. Don't say that, whatever. Just fucking just ask her out. Just fucking ask her out.

Nothing bad will come. She even, even if she says no, she might say to her friends, you can believe who asked me out. So-and-so asked you out. And one of them is going to respect it and be like, I didn't know he had that in him. Maybe one of them gets a little insecure.

What? He doesn't like my rock and fucking who, huh? And next thing you know, you got that coming down the pike. Okay. You got to get on the phone. You got to make your calls in the morning or you don't get any sales at night. All right.

That's the fucking part. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. My prediction for the Patriots jets, if it's at the Patriots, I say we win if it's at the jets. I don't know. But I think it's going to be a close game,

despite the fact that the jets allegedly suck and all of this shit. This is the classic game where gamblers fall into just looking at the numbers and looking at the records and all of that shit. And what you have to understand is every week, what blows up your parlay? There's always that game where something happened.

It makes no fucking sense. All right. The old chaos theory, like Jurassic fucking park there. The jets always play as tough. If we go in there and we kick the shit out of them, then they truly are a tough fucking team. I don't know.

I don't have faith in the Patriots. I just feel like Tom Brady has been on his back the whole, even yesterday. Like I was on his fucking back more than I've seen. When he's been on his back more this fucking season, I've seen in his goddamn career, I still think we're working that out and Ridley went down and Mayo went down.

And I don't think obviously they're going to be back for the Thursday game. I haven't looked at the sports page yet to see how bad it is. So that's a huge blow to our defense and our running game. So we got a lot closer to the fucking jets. All right. Take that with a grain.