Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-14-21

Episode Date: October 14, 2021

Bill rambles about stand up spots, 'mediocre white males', and week 6 picks. Tickets on-sale for upcoming tour > www.billburr.com/tour

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Just checking it on you. That wasn't a bad one. I'm just, maybe it's because I'm in a great fucking mood. And I don't even know why. Was it because I went out and I did a little bit of standup last night and had a great

fucking time? Had a great time. I had a hissy fit at the fucking comedy store. I walked in. I was trying to knock out a show early. I come walking in. I'm like, you know, they got a show going on. Can I jump on?

Just 10 minutes, 10 minutes. I'll get in. I'll get out of the way. Try to be a fucking problem. Right? I go, yeah. And I go walking in the main room and then they got like cameras on. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ, what the fuck is this?

And they were like, oh, we're live streaming it. I go, Jesus fucking Christ, can't you just do a fucking show? Does everything have to be viewed? Can I come down here and work out my John Gruden bit? Right? So, you know, I flip out and I go, no, no, no, it's lives. I felt bad. It's my buddy Mustafa from a long time.

I got apologized to the guy. I was just like, I mean, I didn't say anything to him. I just was like, I'm so fucking, see fucking goddamn kids filming every fucking goddamn fucking moment. Just cameras in the locker room now, you know? So he's somebody over there was like, no, it's live streamed. You can't film. I was like, yes, you can.

You just take your cell phone and you point it at the fucking screen. So I just, you know, whatever, I just, so I leave in a big huff, big huff, acting like a fucking Hollywood starlet in the 1950s, right? Oh, Billy, oh, Billy, apologies. You know, I walk into a place next thing, you know, I owe three people an apology because that's how I'm fucking wired. So and that will happen. Not saying I'm not an asshole, but then I just like, I'm so fucking fucking fucking.

I just said, fuck the whole fucking way out because I didn't get what I want. I mean, I can't believe I showed up without calling anybody and expected everything was going to go my way. I mean, why, why wouldn't that happen? Fucking idiot. I am anyway. So then I go down to the improv and they got a couple of shows going on there and I go on in the side room and it's like the gay show or something like that.

So then the John Gruden thing became fun because he said homophobic shit, right? So I was like, you know, you know, I, whatever, I did what I usually do, right? And then I don't know, I got to try out my bit about straight people that collect gay people as friends that fucking killed. It's funny. It wouldn't kill in front of like a bunch of straight, progressive people because they would get offended for the people that, you know, let me know I was saying it in the right way.

In the main room, it was some sort of adult entertainment vibe to it, either the standups used to be an adult entertainment or the people in the crowd was to them. I don't know. Everything's like a fucking theme now. You know, this is like, just to let you know before you go up, this is the car wash union. Everybody here washes cars. A lot of people aren't legal. They're trying to get their families into the area of the car wash.

So just be sensitive. If you have any jokes about water, I'm not saying you can't do them. I would just be careful. Yeah, so I didn't even look up that whole John Gruden thing. I didn't even see what the fuck happened. He got a bunch of emails and all of that shit. But the vibe I'm hearing is that they're using, you know, as the NFL always does, they use like acting like they care about other people really to just get rid of some guy.

John Gruden calls Goodell a pussy because you know that that was the one. Greatest John Gruden to resign amid criticism over misogynistic and homophobic emails. It sounds like he called somebody a bitch and then he used the F word. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm not getting into this. I'm not fucking reading this. I'll read this later. I hope something new to talk about in Atlanta.

I'm going to. I'm going, going back, back to Atlanta. Atlanta doing a couple nights out there, Thursday, Friday. Say, I got a couple of friends of mine who live out that way. They're going to pop on, do some guest spots. It's going to be fun. Oh, Billy, fat tits got on the scale. My scale sucks.

Not only does it suck because I don't like the number it's giving me, but like it literally you move it on the floor and it'll go three pounds in either direction. So I don't know what the fuck I'm weighing, but I'm not liking it. I'm in hoodie shape right now. And you know, I just got like, as always, I have like nine million fucking things going on and I just can't get my fucking ass back into the shape I need to be in. But it's, it's going to, and now the holidays are coming up. I mean, I'm done.

I'm looking at a heart attack in fucking January. I don't knock this off. Um, but anyway, I called up one of my favorite shows. You can listen to it tomorrow. Uh, the shredding Reagan show, Buffalo, and those guys have been having me on the radio since I played like the fucking the town ballroom way back in the day in Buffalo, which by the way is was such a cool place to play because, uh, downstairs in the basement, they had, um, like these tunnels that were bricked over.

And that's where all the prohibition gangsters used. They would run down those fucking tunnels when the cops would come in to bust them. So they wouldn't get arrested, obviously. And, uh, lately I've been watching, you know, been binge-watching the whole fucking untouchable series with Robert Stack and all of those guys. Walter Winchell and, um, just seeing a whole show about that era and just thinking about that place. So anyways, I'm going to be coming back there and, uh, you can listen to that tomorrow.

I have to have a couple of things, uh, I think to promote, but I didn't write them down before I got on here. I'm the fucking worst. So now I got to check my goddamn, I'll do my wife fucking, fucking yelled at me this morning. She fucking yells. She didn't consider it yelling. I got to get around the podcast. She doesn't consider it yelling, which is funny to me.

It's like, well, if I did that, it would be considered yelling. Um, Oh, here's the thing that I was supposed to, I'm supposed to promote here. A friend of mine, um, unfortunately his nephew, uh, committed suicide. Sorry to bum everybody out here. But, uh, there's a go fund me, um, it's weird. It says go fund me and that I don't, am I supposed to retweet this? Um, I don't know.

I'll retweet it. I'll figure it out. Now that I brought that up and brought the whole fucking room down, brought the whole goddamn room down. Anyway, why would I do that? You either do that at the top or you do it. You do it at the end. That's why you do that. Now that I've made you laugh, here's something sad, but you can make a positive out of it.

That's it. Bing bang boom. That's how I should have done it. Oh, by the way, you don't really fucking annoyed me about the John Gruden thing. Well, somebody fucking posted this thing going, uh, classic mediocre white male. He, you know, his, his overall record is under 500 and he gets a hundred million dollar contract. It's just like, I swear to God, everybody is their own 24 hour news channel where they just fucking, they just, they just frame it the way they want to frame it.

My favorite thing too was it was retweeted by a white female, which goes back to that bit. Which goes back to that bit I did a while back. How white women have divorced themselves of their own fucking privilege. They're not mediocre. They're extraordinary. Oh, the level that they're performing at. My God, if they were a white male, they'd be running the planet. Fucking ridiculous.

So anyway, it's like, first of all, you dumb fucks, you sexist racist cunts. All right, I'm not defending what the guy obviously shouldn't be saying. Racist stuff. He shouldn't be saying, uh, you know, homophobic things. The misogyny I have no problem with if you listen to this podcast. I mean, I've, I've, that's, I've basically hung my shingle on that. I'm fucking with you. I have issues with women.

All right, I'm working. Hey, I'm working on it. Okay. The way that they fucking frame that. Okay. You want to say that he shouldn't have said that apps of fucking Lule, absolutely. I understand that, but to act like this guy is a mediocre coach is not the case. He's one of the best coaches of his generation.

He took over the raiders twice when they were a pile of ashes. That's like that McDermott guy out with fucking Buffalo. Right. I bet he doesn't have a 500 record. Look what he's done with Buffalo. They will, they will land in the gutter. People stepping over them. Bill's fans dropping half-eaten wings on top of their fucking heads

by October, every fucking year. An EP dug down deep. He plowed through it. And now look at him. Dare I say in the driver's seat and the AFC. Granted, Tom Brady went to the NFC. You know, that kind of helps him. Yeah.

John Gruden and he fucking, the guy won a Super Bowl. They don't bring that up. Right. Maybe he's like, oh, we did it with Tony Dunge's team. Well, great. Good football. Who the fuck's Tony Dunge? Tony Dunge won with the Colts.

He also played, by the way, he played his own, Gruden went up against his own fucking Raiders team. So he played his own fucking team, even leaving his team, still got there. He doesn't get credit for that. He gets a Super Bowl. They said, oh, that's because fucking Tony Dunge's team. Tony Dunge won a fucking Super Bowl

when fucking Jim Ursay made how the Patriots covered their receiver illegal and then they stole our offense. So you can say what I want about the guy socially, but don't come after this football record if you're not a fucking football person, especially if you're just some white lady walking around and you're fucking living your white life. I just cannot fucking believe

that white women have the fucking nerve to sit there and go classic media over a fucking white male, like they're fucking like, what are you? You got to crush it as hard as James Brown? The fuck out of here? How many ladies nights did you go to? We didn't have to pay a cover and somebody bought you a fucking drink.

The level of whining. It's I'll never get women of color. I will listen to all fucking day long, but though I always make sure that I remind those white ladies that you're riding in the same chariot I'm riding, okay? Maybe you're not always telling the horse

which way it wants to go, you know, but that's why you're trying to lock us in to give you the ring. Then all of a sudden, you know, you're telling the horse which way to go. It becomes your horse and your fucking carriage. And if you don't like it, you kick us out of the carriage.

You get to keep the carriage because you're used to a certain horse lifestyle and I'm walking down the street paying for your fucking oats. All right, sorry. Um, so there you go. Now all of that, I haven't read a fucking word of any of his emails. You know, I'm not a soap opera guy.

I don't watch pregame. I don't watch fucking postgame. I don't give a fuck if somebody on the fucking Washington wizards, you know, brings a goddamn gun into the fucking clubhouse because he's mad about a card game. I don't give a shit.

Work that out amongst yourselves. The only thing I care about in that fucking story is the irony that you called them the wizards and they still brought a gun into the fucking locker room. They still be called the bullets. All right. The Sacramento King should still be the Buffalo Braves. Is that who the fuck they were?

The Buffalo, uh, who the fuck were they? Oh man, I used to know all that sports history. It's leaving me. You know, what a fucking great move that was. But whatever, what fucking basketball team was in? Not the Bisons. They had all kinds of fucking,

they're all, they're all about the goddamn meat up there. There's not a vegetarian. Is there a vegetarian restaurant in Buffalo? I mean, that would be something else. I mean, one of the hardest things to do is to put your money into a restaurant and think that you're not going to lose your fucking shirt. You start opening a vegan restaurant.

Now you know what's going to happen. Actually, Bill, you'd be surprised. There's a whole new vibrant downtown area, you know, all these fucking app makers and web designers that bring it back to Rust Belt. I don't get mad at that. At least, you know, it's good Americans are working again, but Jesus, you know,

it's a lot more fun to hang out with the other guys back in the day. Oh, Bill. Oh, Billy Lamenting. The fuck was I just looking up? NBA Buffalo, the Buffalo Braves, the Buffalo, are they now? Then they became the Kansas City Kings

and then the fucking Sacramento Kings. Is that what it is? Buffalo Braves and NBA history. All right. They played in the Buffalo Memorial Auditorium, the Buffalo Braves. What are they now? Buffalo Braves.

Who is that big guy? Bob Lanier, right? Is that who the fuck it was? Okay. Okay. The plays began. They were the blah, blah, blah, initial hiring. Where did they move to?

74 Bob McAdoo. Most valuable player award. 77, 78 team, team colors. All right. Where are they? Where are they? For the franchise first season. Where the...

Oh, now they're just talking colors. All right. Let me look up the Sacramento Kings. Sacramento Kings. Let's see what the fuck they are now. Sacramento Kings. Oh, they were the Rochester Royals. Is that what it was?

Rochester Seagrams. Rochester there. The pros, the Royals. Then the Cincinnati Royals. The Kansas City Kings. Kansas City Kings. All right. So are they the Golden State Warriors?

Oh, Jesus Christ. Who... This is why I don't know what's going on in the world because I will fucking sit here until I figure this out but I will not even know what John Gruden said. Who are... Where do the Buffalo Braves play today? There's one sports not listening to this.

Where are the Buffalo Braves now? 1978. He swapped the franchise with then owner, Buzz Sellebubba who moved the team to San Diego. They became the Clippers. The San Diego Clippers. Now they're the LA Clippers. Jesus Christ.

No wonder they never won anything. They got that Buffalo stink on him. Dude, Buffalo has to win a fucking championship. You know, the way liberals were like, we have to get Donald Trump out of office. Anything is better. How about a 90-year-old guy with dementia? Should he have his finger on the red button?

That sounds fantastic. He's also a warmonger. Even better. Is this Thai blue? Fantastic. I'm a liberal. I don't see color unless it's Thais. All right.

You know, not to say that Donald Trump is a good guy. He's fucking horrible. He's a monster. Anyway, I don't like any of them. I don't like... And you know what's funny about this shit is if you talk to your grandparents and you hear the shit that comes out of their mouth

because of when they grew up, why the fuck would you want that happen? Like leading your country. I mean, how many fucking generations behind are the last two presidents? I mean, it's pretty fucking awful. I mean, they basically were picking from the cast a cocoon over there.

Who's going to come next? Is Walter Mondale still alive? No, he passed away. Oh, you know who's going to fucking run now? I bet Jerry Brown. Jerry! Anyway, Buffalo, they need... They need to win a championship.

I mean, right now, what do they have? What do they have? Okay, you have... Like the end of the Buffalo Sabres was when Milan Lucic ran Ryan Miller and the Sabres did nothing about it. Okay? They packed it in.

They quit. Just like all those steel factories and they left and they went to some godforsaken place you know where Coca-Cola has real sugar in it, right? That's where they went. All the fucking Buffalo Bills fans have right now. It's a parking lot full of men who don't know how to talk to women so they try to get attention by jumping off of a car

and breaking a table. I'm just fucking with you. I actually like that they do that. I'm an old school wrestling fan. You know, the best ones aren't the ones where they miss the table. I like when they hit the table and it doesn't break and then their body bends in a way

that you never thought a human body could bend, you know? If you took a picture of them, it would look like they melted. Like you had them frozen and then they just sort of melted and that half that's hanging over just fucking breaks in half. Oh, when I see them doing that, it really makes me miss boozing. You know, just not facing who I am as a person. Bearing emotions and taking it out on other people.

I just, and not really remembering it, I really miss it. Oh, wait a minute. I did that last night at a comedy club. Well, and now I just have hissy fits. I used to be belligerent. Now I'm just like, it's fucking scary. It's just fucking too sad. Well, Bill, you could have called ahead.

Oh, I don't blame the victim. I really was Billy Hollywood last night. So anyway, so anyway, yeah, so I did those two shows last night and then what's great, there's a little cigar bar right next to the improv. And I bought one of my favorite fucking cigars. It's just one of those little nubs.

I can never remember the name of it. It's not Hubano. What the fuck is it? What the fuck? What is it? I also like it because it gets right to the point. It's a nice gauge. Bing, bang, boom.

I remember this guy gave me shit for smoking those. I think you'd like a higher level of tobacco. It's like, dude, you smoke like four a day. You're a fucking animal. You know, how dare you? That's like a fucking alcoholic who's drinking out of a fucking jug. You know, he's sitting there judging the level of booze

that you're going after. It's like, why don't you just fucking deal with whatever the fuck happened to you and your childhood? And I'll be over here doing the same. Yeah, the Hubano. That's the one. That's the one. That Billy loves.

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Like sometimes I just like seeing, like when things just have like a weird time and I can't figure out, like I can count it, but I can't figure out how somebody, if they wrote it in sheet music, would figure it out. Like let's say, oh, I don't know, let's say Iron Maiden number the beast, right?

I could always play along with the guitar riff. I never knew it wasn't in four until the other day I tried to finally count it. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? And it was, it's one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two. And then back into it again. And I was sitting there going, is this like, is this in five? You know, because that comes out to 10.

I'm like, no, where one is, that's not working out. And I just couldn't figure it out. And then I couldn't figure out that, that part there. And that, that bad part is on one. And it's one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. And then it's that is one, two, three. It's a line of three, two bars of four, one bar of three. And I've never been able to figure that out.

And now just because I could see it on paper and I can count it, I can now play it. I like that shit. So you go online and they'll have it written out. And then you try to like take a screenshot of it and they pixelated it. Like, all right, I get it. Okay, so I'll pay a couple bucks for this fucking thing.

And I can't figure it out. You know, I got to create an account and all of that shit. And it's just like, why don't you just put this in a fucking book and I'll buy it for like 20 bucks? Instead of selling me one song at a fucking time. Oh my God, these fucking cunts. Sorry. Anyway, but I've been flying like a fucking lunatic.

I've flown every single day this month, except for one, flying the best I've ever flown. And I wish I could take video of you guys watching me shooting these approaches. The GPS ones are easy because you don't have to do anything. It does everything for you. Um, because when you get to your final approach fix, all right, it's tune, twist.

But what is it? Hi fuck it. Tune, twist, turn. That's right. Tune, twist, turn, throttle, talk, touch. All right, you tune to the profit frequency on a VO, it's on a VOR, right? Which is a an older, I guess, technology as GPS is taking over.

So in that one, you have to tune to the VOR, which is like a radio antenna on the ground. Okay, so you're flying the right radio. Then you have to time it. Your category A, if you fly under 90 knots, like I do on my little egg beater. And then I know if I skip it at 80 knots, getting from the final approach fix to the missed approach point

is going to take four minutes, right? At that point, you don't see the fucking runway. You know, you fucking take off. I think that's what it is. Oh, whatever. You're allowed to go down to a certain level and then fly that altitude till you get to the missed approach point. We're on GPS.

Once you get to the decision altitude, if you don't see it, then you have to fucking immediately take off. Sorry. Just trying to keep all of this in my fucking head. So I was doing one the other day, where when you get to the final approach fix, I had to like tune time and then twist because the course changed from 07-9 to like 046.

Throttle talk didn't need to touch because I was already in the VOR thing. And I am like, I had the whole thing. Like how it works learning this shit is the first thing is you just learn how to track radials. So then you get that done. So then you're good to get to the first approach fix and then you fuck everything after that.

And then after a while, you get good all the way. Now I can do the whole fucking thing right to that point. And on the fucking, the VOR ones, it just all falls apart. And I'm going too fast. And I'm literally in the aircraft going fucking goddamn motherfucker. My instructor's just laughing at me because I know you're doing fine. Everybody goes through this. Everybody's like, I'm coming up fucking line.

Do I got to fly these fucking things? I got to go to Atlanta this weekend. By the time I figure this fucking shit out, I got to fucking leave again. As I'm flying with like a fucking, basically like blinders on like a horse, obviously he's looking out for traffic. But I have to, I will tell you this,

even if I fucking fail this thing and it doesn't work out because this is a fucking, this is for me. Okay. You know, I'm not the brightest guy. I'm not the best speller. I do have like a touch of fucking, I don't know what ADD. I got a little bit of dyslexia and I got a lot of fucking emotional problems. This has been one of the hardest fucking things

I've ever done yet. Fascinating. I am now totally fascinated with like the IFR charts, which I never looked at. And this is why aviation is so fucking annoying. If you want to like just a regular VFR chart, if that's what the fuck you call it, visual flight rules, like a Charlie airport,

class Charlie is magenta. Then you go to IFR and now it's fucking blue. And it's like blue is Bravo. And then Bravo, the area is still blue as far as I could tell the IFR. And it's just like, it's like the left hand doesn't know what the fucking right hand's doing. Why wouldn't it always be magenta?

I know this makes sense to make fucking 2% of the people, but I just don't understand why they don't do that. So I don't know. But anyway, so this morning that's what I was doing. I was like loading instrument approaches because I have to know what everything, you know, on the, what do they call that, that part of a map where it tells you what all the symbols mean.

That fucking word that just made me think back in the day, like I'm not passing this, I'm not passing this test. What was it called the Magellan? What are they, what are they? What is that fucking map word? Oh God, it's going to escape me. I'll fucking the second I stop this podcast, I'll immediately remember it.

But anyway, that is the podcast. Hockey season's coming up, baby. Hockey's coming back. Oh, wait a second. Wait, oh my God, I can't believe I didn't bring it up. How about those fucking Red Sox? Right before I go, I want to give a shout out to all those fucking Yankee fans

when we beat you in the one game playoff and you couldn't fucking take it. You all, all of you have fucking said, oh, I have fun getting owned by the devil race. I just want to let you know we had a lot of fun getting owned by the devil race. We had a lot of goddamn fun. Losing the first game and then winning the next three.

On to the next round. On to the next round. Yankees on to the next round. A golf, you fucking striped cunts. Just kidding. I respect the Yankees. I just don't like their fan base. I mean, 27 championships, okay?

I don't know if you guys know this, but the Yankees have won 27 championships. Their fan base doesn't have to bring that up every October now when they lose. Shots fired. Speaking of fired, that's what's going to happen to your GM. Oh, bam. So I don't know who we play next.

I'm hoping we're going to play the Astros and just have like the trash can off and just see who bangs on the trash can. That it's all going to come down to who got the best trash can and fucking. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you.

No, this is Thursday. Before we end the podcast, we have my NFL chat of the week with the one and only Paul Verzi. Here we go. You can listen to our picks for next week. Listen to them. Bet against us.

Keep score. Do whatever you want. A couple of meatheads talking football. Here we go. Okay. All right, everybody. Welcome back to another weekly segment here of Bet MGM. All right, we're back for week six

of the anything better bet MGM NFL picks and previews. The hottest gambling show, dare I say, in podcasting history on a Saturday in October in 2021, when you're watching this right now, you guys have been, I guess, evidently, according to the feedback, Paul, they've been having a lot of fun with their picks. Some of you made a lot of money picking with of us, picking with us.

Paul Verzi, some picking against us. Me, if you haven't signed up for Bet MGM yet, what are you waiting for? Use the bonus code BRBURR and you'll get $200 free after placing your first bet, your first $10 bet. All right, here's how it works. Download the Bet MGM app and sign up using bonus code BRBURR. Place your first $10 money line bet on any game.

After you do that, you'll receive 200 bucks 200 balloons, Paul, in free bets immediately after placing your bet, regardless of the outcome of your bet. You could lose that 10 bucks and still get $200. Say, Paul, with my public school math that says, that right there says you're up 190 bucks. Just make sure you use the bonus code BRBURR when you sign up. All right, now it is time to talk about last week's picks

and go into this week's picks. Paul Verzi continuing on his tear, his revenge. You ever hear of chicks? They have their revenge body after somebody breaks up with them. I beat Paul two years in a row gambling, and Paul is back with his revenge body betting. It's early bill. Three and one.

Paul, that's not like you to not talk shit. You okay? You got a fever? No, listen, man. It's only a fancy fucking sweatshirt. Paul Verzi goes three and one again, taking Bet MGM by the right hand, throwing it over his shoulder. The next week grabs it by the left hand.

This guy, Paul, you never went three and one on multiple choice in public schools. I mean, you are just destroying. As soon as I talk shit, I go 0 and 4. I'm not taking that bait. I'm just going to be- Paul, don't pull your knees into your chest, okay? You've been talking shit since I met you.

Well, yeah, listen, man, you know what's funny is I texted Andrew and I go, dude, I'm going to do it. I'm going 4 and 0. I talked about Justin Herbert, but didn't take the chargers. I thought I did because I talked about him, but I took the Las Vegas Raiders and again, and I'm sticking to this. I'm sticking to this.

John Gruden distraction. Urban Meyer distraction, dude. I tweeted. I said, I said, Urban Meyer owes John Gruden a drink. Fucking everybody loved it. That's true. He took them right off the front page. Dude, it was like-

And on my dumb ass, I bet Jacksonville because I hated how you stated the obvious. And I wanted it to not work. I said, oh, their coach is out boozing. He's not hanging with the team. I love this. It's like, it was just so obvious to me. I hated it.

I hated how proud of yourself that you were. Like you were reading the tea leaves and like an asshole I bet against that I lost. I went one in three. The only people saving me were the Detroit Lions. And let me tell you something, Paul. You know you're having a bad week gambling when the only team that saves you is the Detroit Lions.

The Detroit Lions haven't saved anybody since Eisenhower was in office. Well, we have to discuss this because Andrew and I spoke about it. I don't know that you went one in three. I think you might have went one, two and one. And here's why, because in real betting, when there's a push, you don't lose money.

You don't- When I grew up, ties lost, Paul. I don't know about your generation where everyone gets a ribbon, but if you want to say I'm one, two and one. No, bet MGM and any bookie will tell you if the line is seven and the game happens to be seven, that's what they call the old push.

So I think- I thought you- I got to pay the juice or something, right? No, I don't, you know- Paul, hey, you know, I'm not going to talk you out of it. You want to give me a tie? I'll take a tie. Listen, I think-

That's like kissing your cousin. I mean, I either want to have my head in my hands crying or you know, skipping across naked across my lawn. No, because you didn't- This tie, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. No, you technically didn't lose money. So I think we go one, two and one. Yeah, I did, because that fucking asshole

hit the red piece of tape on top of the field goal. Fucking jerk off is jumping up and down like he just won me some money. He was yelling into the place, you go, I won Bill Burr money. I won Bill Burr money. And then ba-bum, ba-bum. Oh, what a day for kicking.

11 missed extra points, fucking field goals all fucking day. I felt bad for that kicker on the Bengals because I knew the second, he knew the second he jumped up and down, all those snarky cunts who could barely tie their shoe without passing out. We're all going to trash him on sports center.

I love when he jumped up. He goes, and then he came down and he goes, no, no. He looked around like, no. Hey, Paul, we've all been there. That's what I don't like about making fun of him. People should be relating to him rather than saying, what a jackass. Well, the amount of times that I jumped into the arms

of another man thinking that I had done something wonderful and then found out that I didn't, Paul. I mean, it's just off the charts. Paul, who am I to make fun of that poor bastard? This is what pissed me off. The last couple of years, everybody has been saying, I look like Sean McDermott, the head coach of the Buffalo Bills.

Then all of a sudden the bills start winning. Nobody says, I look like the guy anymore. Right? And then all of a sudden the fat headed fucking bald cunt on the Texans. They try to do a fake punt, Paul. They fake a fake punt. They come up to the line.

They act like the punter's under center. And then to draw in the returner. Yeah. So then he's going to, for some dumb, like that's going to do anything. So then he's going to run back and try and fake it. He didn't run back far enough. He goes to kick it.

And it's his own player in the helmet for zero yards. All of a sudden everybody starts saying, I look like that guy. Because Sean's winning. All of a sudden he has his own identity. That's funny. I don't know. Who am I, Paul? Who am I?

You know, I'm just the guy who keeps going one in three. If he can say anything, I am consistent. So I'm not worried that I'm leaving gamblers astray. Okay. Cause at this point they know that I'm going to pick four games and three of them are going to be losers. So they should be able to pick a winner from that. I am as right as fucking rain.

Paul, let's get into week six, the picks this week and how much the fucking Browns got fucked over on those goddamn pass interference calls, which cost me another victory, but I'm over it. Week six. Do I go first? You go first. It is your go.

You go odd. I go. Well, I'm loving. I'll tell you what I'm loving right now. I am loving the Seattle Seahawks getting five in Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, no juju Smith Schuster. Big Ben is hurt. He's been hurt his whole career, but now he's old.

So this might actually affect him. I usually feel big Ben plays better at home when he is hurt. It's that whole Pittsburgh thing where everybody in Pittsburgh, you know, now everybody under the age of 50 acts like they used to work in a steel mill. And we all know they didn't. They're all building apps and websites and that type of shit, but they try to act like they're tough

with their fucking hard hats and all of that. I say the Seattle Seahawks. Without Russell, Pete, without Russell, without Russell Wilson. Now, God damn it. I looked up the injury report and it said nothing about that. Russell Wilson isn't in. No, Geno Smith. Ah, Jesus Christ.

What fucking internet do I have? It said to be determined. Fuck that. I'm going to go with the guys that have been getting me there every week. I'm going with the Buffalo Bills. Minus five and a half going against the Tennessee Titans. I think the Titans are limited, Paul. I think, you know, they got an incredible runner,

whatever the fuck his name is that Ryan Tanner Hill. You know what I mean? You can have him. You can have me. You can have that punter from fucking Houston as far as I'm concerned. I also think that everybody kind of knows what Mike Rabel does. And they've slowed him down a little bit. I'm not saying he's not a good coach,

but I think they figured something out. I think Mike Rabel needs to cross all the T's and dot all the I's and some other sort of sports fucking analogy. In my one in three money week after week, I'm taking the fucking Buffalo Bills dance with who brung you Paul. Well, you know what? I got excited when you said the Seattle Seahawks because I would have had it a head to head.

I am riding this Pittsburgh Steelers train to victory. Again, I think Geno Smith being out, but I also love what I saw in Rothesburger last week and their home. And I think that the Seattle Seahawks are going to expose Geno Smith. I got that games got picked six written all over it. I'm taking the Pittsburgh Steelers minus five at home to win two in a row and write the ship. All right.

I'll tell you what game I'm staying away from. I don't like the Broncos Raiders as much as fucking what's his face. John Gruden just lost a hundred million dollars because of a couple of emails and some choice words that the Raiders are going to be fly. I don't know. It's a division rivalry. I hate that fucking game.

So what I'm going to do, what am I going to do? Paul, all freckles. What you can do? I'm going to go with the Kansas City Chiefs. So everybody started everybody starting to jump off their bandwagon. They're going, you know, maybe Patrick Mahomes is, is, is, is, uh, you know, a one and done guy after every time. Oh, he threw a no look pass.

Holy Jesus Christ. Every fucking thing that the guy did. I'm with the Chiefs. I think Kelsey has a big game. I think he stomps all around like he always does all over Washington's field. I think Thomas Jefferson is rolling over in his grave by the third quarter. I got the I got the Chiefs given seven in Washington. I like that pick.

I, I, you know, Mahomes, they've been talking a lot of shit. All right. I'm going to go. All right. My second pick here. Okay. My second pick here. Here we go.

The Green Bay Packers are in Chicago. Do I like that game? Bet MGM's line has it at a 4.5. Um, the hapless Lions have not won. I don't know what to do here, but I think what I'm going to do. Oh man, I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm going to take the Los Angeles Chargers. I looked at that game getting three against Baltimore, who's coming off of one of the

greatest games in from a quarterback. They, Baltimore is home, but Justin Herbert did something against the Browns that I really liked. I think he's going to go in there. I like them getting points. Give me the charges for my second game. Give Paul the charges. All right. I got to tell you something, Paul.

Got to tell you something right now. The Miami Dolphins, who a lot of people don't know. Oh, what the fuck? I thought they were like the top 10 with defenses. No, wait a minute. Dude, every website you go to has something fucking different. I thought the dolphins were like the top 10. I don't like this pick.

This is the battle of Florida, Paul. This is the battle of two cities you don't want to go to for two different reasons. Miami, all the cocaine and the Botox and Jacksonville, all the broken dreams, you know, but who wants to go to Tampa? If you don't have kids, you're not going to Orlando. You know what? Thought I had all my picks here. I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins given three and a half.

Yeah. Okay. They got the living shit kicked out of them last week by Tom Brady. He came down there and he squished the fish. And then, you know, maybe, you know, maybe he has, maybe they have a problem. Paul, I gotta be honest with you. I'm floating here. Nah, dude, you took my, you took my pick.

That's what I wanted. That's what you get for going first on even days. I love it. Fuck you. I gave you two chances to take that and you didn't take it. Don't come back at me and start crying like some fucking asshole whose dream didn't come true in the business. So now they got to tell some story from 20 years ago.

Something doesn't smell right in Jacksonville. Oh, it's Herb and Myers finger. Get the guy a break. He went to a Hooters. He got a little sideways. It happens. You know, your nose is running from all of those fucking hot wings. Next thing you know, some chick who has no business being anywhere near you that age.

So I mean, he wasn't making a rubber ass on his dick. Was he, you know, Paul, maybe he wanted to be faithful. And that's why that, you know, sometimes you attract what you fear. Maybe that's what happened, Paul. All right. Well, why aren't these horse held accountable? This is a tough, I don't like this week, man. This Cleveland Browns Cardinals game is killing me because the line,

the bed MGM line is perfect. Oh my God, the Browns are home after a brutal win. This really is my brutal loss. I mean, brutal loss. This really is my homecoming theory. And you know what? The Cardinals haven't lost yet. Fuck it.

I'm taking the Cleveland Brownies giving the Arizona Cardinals their first loss. Minus three, give me the, give me the Browns. All right. Is this my last one? This is my last pick, right? Andrew, I'm not on the video page. So I'm not looking here. Uh, yes.

Okay. All right. All right. It's my last one, Paul. All right. I'll tell you right now, Paul, your giants are at home getting disrespected. They get nine and a half points at home, Paul. They're walking into your house and they're getting a free appetizer.

And a fucking plate of pasta, but I just don't believe in them. I do not fucking believe in them. So I, you know what, Paul, just to make it interesting, I'm going to take the Arizona Cardinals because they haven't done me wrong yet. They got JJ Watts. They got Chandler Jones. I think they're going to be in Baker Mayfield's face. I think he's tired from all of those fucking commercials.

I think he runs all around and I think what happens in Cleveland for the last fucking 50, 60 fucking years continues to happen on Sunday. That's my pick, Paul. And I'm sticking with it. There's our head to head. All right. I like it. We should do that every week.

There's got to be a head to head. One o'clock games. Okay. That'll be interesting. Wait a minute. So I got Miami. I got the chiefs. I got the bills and I got Arizona.

That's what I got. And I got, I got the Steelers. I got the Browns. And the Houston Oilers. I got the Chargers. And I got, who's the other one? I got you. Pittsburgh.

No, I got, I got Pittsburgh. I got Cleveland. And the Chargers. Paul, how can you forget Pittsburgh? You've been riding with them. And the Chargers. Those three. Oh, so I go one more.

I get one more. Yeah. You had second pick. Yeah. I go one more. Okay. Paul is going high powered QB this week. Paul Verzi is believing in offense.

The Las Vegas Raiders are in disarray. Oh, I can't see it. You never take a fucking chance. But listen, you just never take a fucking. They love head Paul. Apparently they love this. Hey man, I gave you your pick, Bill. Okay.

I know, but I, we know the Raiders are in disarray. No, but I think what I'm saying is I think that this new coach that they all love could make them rally. That's what I'm saying. You know what, Paul? I should have shut my mouth. You're 100% right. I apologize to you and all of Sicily.

But the Broncos had a loss in their home. I'm sticking with my theory. Give me the Denver Broncos. I don't buy that at all. You're taking it because of disarray. You gave me a misdirection. I'm not buying it, Paul. I'm not buying it that you almost took the Raiders.

I'm not buying it, Paul. I know you too long. No. Don't do that to me. Yep. I like the homecoming theory though too. Even though it's never really worked for you. You've been telling me that homecoming theory for fucking ever.

A team coming home after a road loss is a lock. The amount of times I've heard Verzi say that and three quarters later, his head is in his hands at a sports book. And the waitress is asking me if he's going to be sick. And I just said, no, he's just dealing with his homecoming theory. My theory has always been division rivalry games. If you don't know, always take the underdog because they play each other place a year.

These tapes low each other. And it always seems to be closer. That was the only game that worked for me last week. The Lions play in the Rams getting seven points, Paul. It's the only thing that saved me from doing the unforgivable. All right, that is our picks, everybody. Special, let the Monday night special. Put some money in my pocket.

All right, who's playing the bills? Yeah, we got to pick three things that we all agree on are going to happen with this parlay. Bills are going to win. Josh Allen's going to score a touchdown. Everybody's going to be covered. He's going to run it in like a stud. All right, so you got bills winning on the money line.

Josh Allen, a rushing touchdown. And somebody's going to crack two ribs, trying to break a table to impress some chick. He doesn't know how to talk about. He's trying to back in the parking lot. You bet that yet? How about this? Stefan digs reception for a touchdown.

Well, I already said Josh Allen. No, you said Josh on rushing, right? Yes, Josh Allen Myers. All right, so we got Buffalo Bills winning the game on the money line. Josh Allen, rushing touchdown. And then Stefan digs reception for a touchdown. I mean, Paul, that couldn't be any more mainstream.

There's nothing out of the ordinary in that. That's why I don't like it. The only thing that could fuck us is Josh Allen, not rushing it in, but he might because he's got legs. Listen, Paul, I'm telling you right now, he's going to run it in. It happens. What happens is everybody's covered.

And then that guy runs it in just like that. Is that how it happens? That's exactly how it happens. What's going to happen is going to break this down for you, Paul. Everybody's going to be covered. And then he's just going to talk the ball, Paul. He's not going to be doing this like you do when you play two completes of first,

trying to fake somebody out on the street. He's going to talk that ball in. And I'm going to say he's actually going to run it right up the gut. You went into that like you were explaining how to rebuild an engine. Listen, this is what's going to happen. Everyone's because you know, it was, I was, I was multitasking. I was closing windows. So I'm happy.

I just stayed on topic. All right, people, that those are our picks. You have to be 21 years of age or older to wager in Arizona, Colorado, D.C., Iowa, Indianapolis, Michigan, Minnesota, New Jersey, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, or Wyoming only. New customer offer paid in free bets. Visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions. Excludes Michigan disassociated persons.

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Don't forget, if you haven't signed up for BetmGM yet, use bonus code BRBURR and you'll get $200 after placing your first bet of 10 bucks. We'll be back next week. Enjoy. All right, that's it. I got to go. All right, have a wonderful time out there.

Be nice to people. Be kind and don't call your boss a pussy because that's what's really going to get you fired. Okay, bye. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, October 14th, 2013. How's it going? How are you?

Is everything okay in your neck of the woods? I know what you're thinking right off the bat. Jesus built this podcast is even later than it usually is. Well, I would counter. Okay, I would counter that verbal assault by saying, well, didn't you have the fucking day off today? Well, did you? Well, great, because I did too.

I don't know why. Oh, it's Columbus Day. All right, Columbus Day. It's Columbus Day. He came over here. There was already people. He cut off their fucking hands because they couldn't find gold. And we celebrate him because he was kind of white,

even though I think he was from Spain. And if he came to Boston and tried to get a job, he'd be really fucked with most of the people he'd interview with. So, yeah, today it's Columbus Day. Christopher Columbus. Sorry, I went to the Bruins today. I had a couple of beers. All right, so deal with me.

Christopher fucking cake. Chrissy, get on the fucking boat and do the job we paid you for. Christopher Columbus. All right. Discover America for all you people who have never picked up a history book. He sailed in 1492. He sailed the ocean blue.

He thought he was going to the West Indies. This is like there once was a man from Nantucket. There once was a man from Spain who had in his balls a pain. He couldn't get laid. He tried every day, so he said, fuck it, I'm going to sail, so I have something to talk about. I don't know, guys, this is funny to me.

And I'm buzzing pretty fucking good. And I really don't give a shit. I do give a shit. I care. I care about you. And how did you enjoy Columbus Day? What did you do? Did you put on like a fucking George Washington wig

and stand on the neck of the Tannis person that you know in celebration of all the great things he did? I've always had difficulty once I got past a certain age with the fact that that guy, they said he discovered. He discovered like he discovered it for Europe. He didn't discover it. There was already people here. You know what I mean?

Just sitting here, living off the land, you know, a little mudflap over their junk, using up every bit of the animal. They did nothing wrong. That's the overcorrection of Native Americans where they've now become like these godlike people where none of them were bad. You know, none of them would have fucked you out of your 401k money

had they understood what a 401k was and could tie a tie. You know what I mean? I mean, people are people. Let's get down to brass tacks here, people. Just because you're sitting there flossing with a fucking bison tendon doesn't mean that, you know, if you had a car, you wouldn't get a little grabby on the first date. All right.

Okay. And if you can't do the math on that, then I can't help you. Yeah. It's Christopher Columbus Day. Mary Govis Spucci. Remember all that fucking awful history stuff? You're sitting there with half a fucking erection looking at some chick next to you

and there's some guy in a goddamn tweed coat talking about Vinnie Del Negro. What was the other? What was the other guy? The other world explorer. It was a Mary Govis Spucci. It was Christopher Columbus. And then there was a guy who had like a Vinnie Del Negro name,

but it wasn't Vinnie Del Negro, but that's in my head. So I'll never be able to think. And what the fuck was it? Was it Marcus the Lafayette? Was that him? He wasn't the traitor in the Revolutionary War. That was Benedict Arnold.

Marcus the Lafayette. Did he start Marquette University? He did something. He wasn't with Lewis and Clark. I don't fucking know. You know what's funny is just all the shit that was done to create this country and they kind of boil it down to like 14 people.

These guys sailed up a river. This guy found it. This guy said, I can't tell a lie. And the other guy said, hey, why don't you lay off the black people for a minute? And that's pretty much the first 200 years of history in this country, as far as I can tell. For all you Europeans listening,

and all you Australians, that doesn't mean your country's better. So fuck you and your fish and chips and your Vegemite sandwiches because nobody gives a shit. You're just as filthy as we are, which brings me to a wonderful fucking conversation that I had with Paul Verzi.

Paul Verzi, right? So neither one of us has watched baseball in a while. I stopped in 2010 when Poppy tested for some substance and they never said what it was. And at that point, pretty much everybody from the 04 series, like five guys on both teams had tested positive or whatever. So it was kind of fair, I guess.

I wrote it up guys, beat you, I wrote it up guys, but it was just getting annoying. And I'm not saying Poppy was doing any shit, but that was just one of those things where I was like, listen, I've watched enough fucking train wrecks. I don't want to watch this one. Either get it out of the game or do what you know you're going to do in the long haul,

which is you're going to make the shit legal. All right. I love how a football player who is running around tackling people at the NFL level, which is basically like getting into a fucking car accident. You know, not a major one, but a pretty significant one. You got to exchange, you know, insurance cards, like every other fucking play. He can't do Royds, but a fucking some singer

can't get on stage and be like, they can't fucking do that. Then it's okay for them to give Royds to get some Royds right in their old fucking voice box. Look up at the ceiling there, fucking Vladimir. Whatever the fuck your name is, Fatty with the beard. What is that guy's name? He was the guy who was part of the three tenors.

You know, he looked like Franco Harris if he was white. The fuck is that guy's name? And he was bald. Jesus Christ. It's like anybody knows, like you all, everybody knows one opera singer and this is the guy. Right. Whatever that fucking guy. I don't even know how I got onto that shit.

The fuck was I talking about? I was talking about Verzi. All right. So me and Verzi have not watched. Oh, it's how much steroids. Before I was talking about Verzi steroids. Yeah, they're fucking synogenic shit that you watch late at night where they show some old guy with his gut hanging out.

Right. He's got a tattoo of Rosie the Riveter right above where his fucking spleen used to be. And he's just done. He's got creases in his torso that it doesn't even make sense. It's not even like fat creases. It means like organs have been removed. And there's a space there now that can only be filled up with the flesh on the outside of your torso.

What are those kinds of creases? Okay. And then by the end of the commercial, that guy's standing there looking like fucking Gronkowski. And he's hanging out with some fucking 35 year old chick who wasn't raised right. Clearly her dad took off. So now she has the big strong father figure that she always wanted. And I'm sitting there going, well, Jesus Christ,

I thought P90X was impressive. That was getting people in their 20s, 30s and 40s in shape. What the fuck is this shit? And I went up, I went on the internet. The old interweb, as they call it on my favorite fucking show on TV, fast and loud, but went on the interweb. And I looked it up to see what the shit was. And it's, it's, it's HGH.

That's what they're doing. And they said, they're going like with our system. As far as my research goes, before I get in trouble here, as far as my research, according to my research, which was basically, I looked up Cinegenics scam question mark. And the first thing came up was that they were giving these people human growth hormone. Well, obviously human growth hormone. And then you give them a fucking handful of Viagra.

They go out and they hit the clubs, right? Go over to the fucking jukebox. They put on a little fucking Glenn Miller. Glenn Miller. Little moonlight serenade. And next thing you know, some fucking broad from this generation with their glow sticks and too many tattoos and her giant fucking ear lobes that you could stick a pool cue through.

All right. Next thing you know, she's dropped to her fucking dubstep knees. And she's blowing a veteran of the Korean war. That's how it goes down. Okay. And that right there, people is the upside of steroids, you know, look at all these fucking ladies when you're watching the real housewives. Those aren't real housewives.

Those are a, a higher breed of housewife. Okay. I'm just loving all the women right now. Just, oh my God, how could you say that? I'll tell you why. Because this is the deal. Because this is the deal. They still had, they had children and they're still,

despite the limits of modern day science, is they're still trying to look like a hot piece of ass. Now they're not doing it, but I'm telling you right now, just like that guy that you love that goes into the corner, right? That guy, that little fucking return punks, the fucking wedge breaker, the guy who's all fucking hard. That's the female version of the wedge breaker breaker right there. It's those broads on the fucking real housewives.

Look at fuckable India fifties. God bless you. Making people do double takes like, is that 20? Oh, wait a minute. No, no, she's 55 gross, but there is that moment. You know what I mean? You got to give it up to them. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm a couple of long as in, I went to the Bruins game today. I had no fucking intentions of going, wait, stay on, stay on target. I'll get to the Bruins game in a fucking second. So Verzi last night, you know, I'm the biggest. You couldn't be more of a bandwagon Red Sox fan this year, unless you started after game three of the Tampa Bay series. The first two games, Red Sox games I watched this year

was game one and game two of the Tampa Bay playoffs. And then I missed the rest of the series. I travel, you know what I mean? I'm into Lego collectibles. I have a schedule. Is there such a thing? Anyways, and I've watched the first two games of this Tiger City, this Tiger series,

and it is an instant fucking classic. If you guys are like me and you went away from the game for a couple of years, this is a great one, great one to come back to. The first one was an absolute gem. One nothing game. It was one of those deals where the Tigers won one nothing and I felt like we lost like eight nothing.

I mean, they were just fucking mowing us down. All right, huge loss, huge loss. So now they got the fucking upper hand in the city. So now the series, why do I keep saying city? I don't know. Probably because you were drinking but hard. I'm like, they automatically have the upper hand in the series right now.

We have to win game two. Look what the fuck they did. So then they got this other psycho. I don't know anybody's names. And I got other than Cabrera because he won the Triple Crown. And I got to tell you something right now. The athletic gifts that that man was given,

that he can be in the fucking horrific shape that he's in and still win the Triple Crown. He is in Jodorosa shape. Okay, when I look at Jodorosa, when I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, when I look at Jodorosa, I look at a man who has never done a pushup in his life other than after he's been drunk

and he fell down and did a face plant. And even then it's a girl pushup, right? With his fucking corduroyed knees in the grass. And if he's on a fucking hill that favors him, if he's facing up the hill, he can actually get his horrific fucking example of a torso up off of that grass. Why am I trashing Joe?

He's not here to defend himself. Ah, Jesus, Joe. Did somebody fucking send this to you because they're miserable? Yeah, that Cabrera guy. Jesus, what a fucking awful horrible. He looks like he should be selling like concessions and he's eating them too.

He's just got a puffy face. He's got a flabby neck. And it's like he's not fat. He's not in shape. He's just sort of fucking, you know, he runs around but when he's done, he's eating like a fucking bowl of mint chocolate chip. You know what it reminds me of?

Like Warren Sapp. Whenever I used to watch Warren Sapp play, I just used to remember like, what would happen if this guy actually fucking worked out? What if he actually worked out? Warren Sapp was in worse shape than most of the people in the stands that were watching him, just, you know, to look at him.

I used to always think I used to, I thought I was like towards the end of his career, one of these years, he's going to say, fuck it and he's going to come in with a flat stomach and he's going to reach like Reggie White level defense event. And he never did. He never did. So anyway, so Verzi, I text him, I'm in Boston, right?

And I'm watching the fucking Red Sox game and he puts them on and you have to understand Red Sox, Yankee hatred. His Paul has even watched the game in, I don't know, a couple of years, right? The second, I don't think he was watching the game for more than three seconds. And he just starts sending me tweet after fucking tweet about how awful the fucking Red Sox Beards are.

He just, he was beside himself. He thought it was a disgrace to the game. The reality is, is he just, he hates the fucking Reds. I mean, I don't like their Beards either, but like, let's see here, let me read some of this shit. Where the fuck is it? Ah, shit. This, oh, load earlier messages.

Dude, we were texting so much during the game, I had to go all the way. You don't have the success to take the slot. What the fuck is this? Where the hell is it? Let me get to the top up here. I'm sorry guys, I'm the worst. Oh, this is me talking about Paul and the mob. You get whacked for running your mouth.

Where the fuck is it? Is it even going to be worth it at this point? Jesus Christ, Bill, load earlier messages. Here we go. All right, where the fuck am I? Okay, this is what Verzi writes. He says, I just turned it on because I said, Poppy grand slam tie game.

Oh, by the way, like not a bunch of Tiger fans, but about a half dozen of them were just trashing me. Just saying the series over, better luck next year. Red sucks when they were up five, nothing in game two, about, you know, seven innings in. And all I just kept thinking in my head is like, dude, have you ever watched a baseball game before? It's not like they're running out of time.

As long as there's no outs, it goes on forever. It's like that George Carlin bit. There's plenty of fucking time. So anyways, long story short, they fucking load them up. And Poppy hits a grand slam to tie the game. So I write Poppy grand slam tie game. Verzi writes, I just turned it on exclamation point. And I was thinking like, wow, he's going to be like,

all right, awesome game. Immediately his first sentence, dude, the socks, beards are so fucking stupid. They, the whole anti Yankee facial hair is so douchey. They look ridiculous. Grow up babies, lol. And then we just started going back and forth. He said, you guys look like lumberjack morons.

You're baseball players, the worst. And I just keep going like, oh, you know, where did Derek Jeter watch the game tonight? And of course he's like on fucking Miss Universe's pussy. I'm like, isn't he like 38 at this point? It's starting to get creepy, isn't it? He really is like some zillionaire guy still going to fucking Hooters.

That's just jealousy in my part. Anyway, so we just start fucking giving each other shit. The fuck was my point to this? Dude, half your team looks like they're in a fucking Halloween costume. It's embarrassing. And then I wrote back, not as embarrassing as missing the playoffs. What would you do if a comedy club had a no facial hair policy? He writes back too shaved, but we don't look like assholes.

I'd be working still working stand up. I don't know what the fuck this I can't get into this because I started saying what comedians would actually be would play for the Yankees versus the one for the Red Sox. Just to give you a hint, the Red Sox had Sam Kettison and all the badass ones. And the Yankees had all the fucking clean cut. I don't know, you know the deal.

I don't know. I know the podcast just went off the fucking rails. Give me a break. Okay, I went by the head of steam. Okay, what are you gonna do? But I gotta tell you something. That whole Yankee fucking thing about no facial hair. I'm old enough to remember in the 70s

when they all looked like they were gonna go shoot a fucking porno. And then out of nowhere, they started taking on this fucking holier than now, like Notre Dame horseshit. You know, we were clean shaven. We're in, Verzi's going, yeah, they look like gentlemen. It's like Paul, they're a bunch of roided up cunts, just like everybody else.

Just cause they look like they're gonna deliver a fucking newspaper to you. All of a sudden that makes them better. Give me a fucking break. I like that the Red Sox look like the Moon Dogs. You know, for you old fucking wrestling fans. I don't give a shit just as long as they win. It's gonna be a great series.

I think it's going seven. And I'm actually a big fan of the Tigers and that type of stuff. I had family that grew up in Michigan. So I like the Tigers. I got no beef with those guys. But what the fuck was I gonna bring up here? Um, is it time to read a fucking?

Yeah, it is. It's time to do a little, uh, Jesus. Yeah. What the fuck is it? Okay. Here we go. Here we go. Dollar Shave Club, everybody.

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Make sure you use Hulu plus.com slash bill so you get the extended free trial and they know that we sent you. Go to Hulu plus.com slash bill now or click the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. All right, back to the podcast here. Oh, you know what's fucking hilarious to me? I got to do a Paul Verzi here and say, dude, I called it because I did call it.

All right. Where the hell's Mike fucking goddamn. Yeah, I'm the worst. I am the absolute worst. There it is. Weeks ago when I first started making front of Seattle, the Seattle Seahawks going for the loudest record, just to give you a recap.

I basically said, well, hey, when you haven't won a championship, you have to hang your hat on something. And if you get this record, are you going to start singing? We are the loudest, my friends. And we'll keep on losing screaming until we lose that bullshit. And I said, you can go back. It's documented on my podcast. I said that Seattle Seahawks fans were not that loud

that it was the building. I'm not saying that they're not good fans, but they're not as fucking loud as everyone's making them out to be. You go to the game and it's so fucking loud. You're looking around and you're looking at people while they're cheering. And you're like, that face does not add up to this loud. Are they piping noise in? And it turns out their owner had built a stadium

specifically designed to contain the noise. So it's like a crowd on fucking HGH. They're a bunch of cheaters. They're the Jason Giambis of crowds. And from day fucking one, when I broke their balls about it, I said, I went to a Kansas city chiefs game. And those fuckers were louder than the ones in Seattle. And they this weekend broke the record for the loudest crowd,

which is the dumbest fucking record ever. The loudest crowd. And they did it in a stadium that was built when we still thought the Vietnam War was winnable. All right. So it's not even like they just beat Seattle. They destroyed them. Okay.

So now I have a new song for the Seattle Seahawks fans out of respect for them. And they're one week of holding the title. They held the title for one week, kind of like when the heavyweight champion gets arrested or refuses to go to war and they just strip him of his title and they give it to some fucking peluca. And he has it for one week until he gets knocked out. That's what happened to them.

So here's their new song. All right. Hey, you know what's funny? I don't have a fucking song for it. You know what's fucking hilarious is Kansas City, at least is one of Super Bowl, everybody. When did they do it? Come on.

They were still in the AFL. Super Bowl four, Lenny Dawson, 63 toss power trap, whatever the fuck it was. Hank Stram with that rolled up thing in the fucking hairpiece, walking up and down chewing his gum. That was when the Vikings, the original Buffalo Bills, lost their first of soon to be four Super Bowls inexplicably. They had Fran Tarkington. They had the purple people leaders.

They had Paul Krauss. They had fucking Chuck Foreman. They had Freddie Cox kicking the goddamn ball and nothing happened. Hey, you know, I mentioned earlier that so Seattle, I'm just breaking your fucking balls. All right. So, you know, don't cry in the rain and blow your fucking brains out like that guy did. Okay.

And then his stripper wife read his fucking suicide note to anyone who would want to listen, which was arguably the greatest example of stealing someone else's thunder I've ever seen. You know, how do you blow your own head off and not get top billing? I mean, it's just fucking insane. I'll tell you how somebody comes in and read your suicide note and is emoting about how devastated they are. You know, it's like it wasn't your day, lady. All right.

It was what's left of that guy up there in the fucking attic. All right. That seemed really insensitive, but I am a fan of all of the people mentioned. Listen, sometimes I hurt feelings on this podcast, but what I'm going for is I'm trying to streamline what it is that I say. And sometimes I don't have time for names, and sometimes I don't have time for feelings.

Okay. But that doesn't mean that I'm not a fan of whatever it is you do. Okay. And if you can't do the math on that, then I really can't help you. I mentioned earlier that I am a big fan of fast and loud. That's like my favorite fucking TV show now that Breaking Bad is over. I absolutely fucking love that show. I love cars.

I love watching people that know how to fix them up, but the funniest fucking thing ever is watching the dude Richard, Richard Rawlings, watching him bust these people down on cars is the funniest fucking shit. I mean, dude, he beats the shit out of them. I don't think I, I don't remember laughing as much as I laugh when I watch that show. He fucking destroys them. He'll go out there, right? Yeah, it's always the same shit.

Somebody's got a Thunderbird. They got a Corvette. They got some Mopar thing or whatever. And he comes walking out and he's always complimentary of the car when he wants it. So he gets people excited like they got to make a sale. They just don't realize how low, much lower it's going to be. So he always comes in and he goes, wow, man, look at this, huh? It's a 60, 68.

Yeah. Wow. Sits right. Body straight. Everything's cool, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he always looks at him. He just goes, so, uh, what were you thinking? And then the owner's always like, I mean, I don't know.

I was thinking, uh, I was thinking like 30 and then Richard, I don't give a fuck what they say. He always just goes like, oh, man, man, man, I can't do 30. I can't, I can't, I drove all the way out here. I got, I got to tow it back. I, I can't, I can't do 30, right? So then the person who owns the car always says the same shit. Well, well, what, what, uh, you know, come my way a little bit.

Well, what were you thinking? And he's, he always, his hands in his pocket and he acts like he's thinking about it, but you know, he isn't, he knew what the fuck he was offering the second he walked into the bar and he'll say like, I was thinking like, like 12. Dude, they go from 30. He takes them down to 12. So these guys like, I mean, I can't do 12. Come on, man, I can't do that.

I can't do that. And then they, then they always come down quick and they go, how about like 24? Can you do 24? And then he comes back like, man, I could do like 13. And he's just inching up and then dropping like a fucking elevator that got its cables cut. My favorite one I ever saw was he went in and bought like this 62 Corvette off these, these people, right? And he was sitting in this fucking damp warehouse, spooky looking fucking saw kind of place.

And they buy the fucking thing. The guy wanted 30 grand for it and he busted them down to 18 five. So he brings the fucking thing back. I mean, it's a Corvette. So you can't see any rust because it's a fiberglass body. But when they look underneath it, it's just rusted out to the point of like, dude, well, I don't, why did we pick this car up? But as luck would have it, the guy who sold them the car, there was, it was actually his

grandfather's car and there was people, part of his family tree that were like, you shouldn't have sold that car. That car was supposed to be for us. So they go down to the gas monkey garage to buy this fucking car back. All right. So Richard's psyched. He hasn't had to do anything for it. All right.

He paid 18 five for it, you know, busted the guy down from 30. So the guy's own family members, his nephew and his brother come in to buy the car back. They tell him the whole fucking story and Richard's like, yeah, cool, man, you can buy it back. And they were like, so what were you thinking? And he goes, you know, I was thinking like 30. After busting the guy from 30 down to 18 five, he goes right back to that guy's price. So the, the cousin and the fucking uncle, they're like, Hey, stupid,

you bought the car for my brother. We know what you paid for. It's the only time I've ever seen him getting embarrassed. He was like, Oh, I'm sorry, man. That's just what we do here. He's like, how about 22? And he ended up selling it for fucking, you know, 20 grand. I don't know.

I probably just butchered all that, but fast and loud. You got to check it out. I like it because they build cars that I feel like I could afford. They don't have like that me comes shit where everything's six figures. I mean, they, they build like a badass car for like 25, 30 grand after they paid like, you know, 10 grand for it and redid everything. I really liked that show. So shout out to anybody who was on that show that listens to this podcast.

I fucking love it. Anyways, what are we up to here? What am I talking about? What am I looking at here? I am 31 minutes in. Was there anything else I wanted to talk about? How about the Patriots? I watched that game on the flight.

That was unbelievable. The last two touchdowns in that game were, you couldn't find a better example of worst defense I've ever seen in my fucking life. Patriots had double coverage. Got the safety coming over the top. Our cornerbacks in position to swat down the ball and he swings at it like a fucking change-up and it goes right by him and the guy scores for a fucking touchdown. Brutal.

And then what a Brady threw an interception and we went down the field and the fucking saints turn around do the exact same thing in single coverage. It was like neither team wanted to win the game, but I want to chastise all those fucking Patriots fans that left. That fucking left. Like half the stadium looked like it left. And I know a lot of people like, oh boss Patriots fans suck.

It's like, fuck you. Your fans suck too. Half of your fans suck. That's what you have to understand about any arena you go to. The only reason why it is the size that it is, is it's because someday you're going to make a run at the title and they're going to need all those extra seats. All right.

But the reality is, is when the team starts shitting the bed, half the people leave. So those stadiums only need, like Patriots stadium really only needs to hold 30,000 people. You know, if you had to sign an agreement that I don't give a fuck if they're 14 and two or two and 14, I'm coming to the games. You know, I don't think it needs to be 30,000. So I love that all those fuckers left and they have to go to work tomorrow and lie

and say that they were there. The Red Sox were great. Most of the people stayed a couple, two or three people I saw leave. So a couple empty seats, but everybody stayed. It was just a great fucking weekend. And I went to the Bruins game today. I was actually walking over to the, to the garden and I was just going to buy a hat. And all of a sudden here, guys, who needs tickets?

Who needs tickets? I knew they were playing the Red Wings, but I thought it was in Detroit. And I said, fucking, I'll go to the goddamn game. So I go into the game. I'm like, not going to drink, drink a little water, come back, do the fucking podcast. And what happens in between the fucking first and second period or second and third period? I run into an old drinking buddy of mine from back in the day, the high school days,

pick up right where we left off. I'll have one, you know, fucking three beers later. Here we are. So my apologies for being late and congratulations to the Red Wings. It wasn't the greatest to fucking games. Matinee games usually suck. You know, there's usually an extra sort of like a mascot presence. Cause there's so many kids there.

They usually don't fight, you know, which makes sense, right? I want to ask you guys, what was the last time you got into a fist fight at like two o'clock in the afternoon? It doesn't happen. Fist fights happen at night. I don't know why they just do. It feels right. Um, all right, is that it?

Is that all I have to talk about before I get into the letters? Uh, chief Seattle, fast and loud, Red Sox, Patri Spruins, oh, the half marathon. Let's just make little notes here of shit to talk about. I was fucking walking through, uh, the Boston comments, walking through the pack and they were having this half marathon and all it was was fucking ladies and, uh, fucking women look phenomenal. They were crushing it, right? Running down the street, zero fucking body fat.

But still had booties on them. I was loving every fucking second of it, right? Objectifying them as they tried to have a nice day of exercise. So as I get closer to the finish line, there's some woman on the mic and it's, I don't know, like she was just being so overly positive. It was annoying the shit out of me. She was announcing every woman that crossed the finish line. I get announcing like the fucking top 10, 30, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40,

15, 20, but the, it took me like 20 minutes to walk through the park from one side to the other side up by the state house. And I'll, I'll hear the whole time and, uh, you know, Marissa Clifford from Adelborough. It's just yelling everybody's name. Abigail Twitzel Nitzel from Marblehead. Today is your day. That's what she said about one of them. Today is your day.

And I want to be like, she fucking came in like 70th. It's not her day. It's not nearly a day. She used to fucking go home and look at some game film. It's not her fucking day. It's not a day by a long shot. She's a coach. She's fired the first third of that race, bringing in an interim runner.

Today's your fucking day. It's, it's just fucking ridiculous. You know, I get it. Guys run the world. We're a bunch of dicks. We don't give you your fucking due. So, but I got to tell you, there is a way of overcorrecting to the point where all you're doing is making everybody there soft.

But I got to tell you, those women run on the races. I'm telling you, they probably didn't like that either. They probably didn't like it either. You know what I mean? They're all fucking athletes. Are you an athlete? If you're a runner, okay, you just put up with a lot of shit. I'll tell you what I like about my girl, man.

She's gotten endurance. I came home and bitched about my job for four hours last night. She never complained. I don't know. I was just one of those moments where I was just sitting there listening to this fucking woman screaming out all these women's names. You know, Betty fucking whoever, congratulations. I don't understand.

You would think that all of them won some regional fucking running thing. And now they were showing up hyping the race they were going to run, rather than that person she just mentioned came in 47th. Oh, Bill, you know what? The holidays are coming up. Why don't you put a fucking red nose on and fucking take the cut down a little bit? All right, you might be right.

Okay. So anyways, Kansas City is officially the loudest crowd. And at the end of the day, nobody, I think it's funny because I was trashed in Seattle, but nobody gives a fuck. Okay, Kansas City wants what Seattle wants, wants what the Patriots wants, wants what everybody fucking wants. You want the Super Bowl title.

That's what you will be the loudest. That's stupid. The Seattle fans are the fucking worst. The way you guys so quickly came back to that odor that fucked you over so bad on the Tall Boy beers that were just as big as the small ones. What a shame. And he buys you back because he fucking calls you 12th man

and waves a fucking flag. You know, something Seattle I thought you were better than that. Then it hurts me to say that I guess I was wrong. I got the amount of people that are actually going to take that seriously. Okay, follow up to bully. All right, I guess this is one. If you can tell I've come, been going down, coming down with a little bit of a cold here.

That's what happens when you drink like 12 nights in a row. You know, it's not really the alcohol. It's the being out till four in the morning without a hat on. Follow up to bully. Hey, Billy red face. This is a follow up to the email I sent about getting picked on. All this was the big dude, right? The big dude at school who could do something.

He's at the dojo and all that type of shit, but didn't want to do something because he didn't want to disappoint his senseis. If I'm using the right karate lingo, if I'm not, I mean, I, my apologies. Anyways, he said it went a lot better than I expected. Oh, to give you a recap, this guy was like a big guy and there was some fucking short of fat kid that was always coming up, slapping him in the head at school. And this guy seems like he's studying at least two,

if not three different martial arts disciplines. And if he wanted to, okay, could, you know, you know, that shit that they do. I don't even know what they do next. So, you know, they're, you feel the heat of their foot next to your ear. And then you, you know, you wake up, they're a computer watching the YouTube video, whatever the fuck just happened to you. He could basically do that,

but he didn't cause he didn't want to disappoint, disappoint his martial arts teach teachers. All right, Jesus, Bill. All right, here we go. He said, it went a lot better than I expected. I told one of my martial arts teachers, and he basically gave me a green light to whoop this kid, but not too bad.

No broken bones, except maybe the nose. Oh, I love this guy. This guy's old school. He said, I walked into the locker room and he greeted me with, hey, faggot fuck. I replied with, I hear your birthday's coming up. What's your cup size? He got pretty mad and said, what'd you fucking say?

I said, your cup size, you fat fuck. What is it? I love it. Did you see the fucking bitch in them coming out? He said, he walked at me and swung a haymaker. I took it on the chin. Jesus Christ, you didn't slip. He said, I beat the shit out of this kid.

Well, it's good because he took a swing first. Very nice. He goes, I need him in the belly twice, once to the head. I kicked him in the thigh. Oh, that's the one he's going to feel tomorrow. Oh, that one's going to, that one's going to bruise. And he goes, and he went down. I finished with a few punches to the head.

I got suspended for two days after they heard he was picking on me. I think it's safe to say he won't be picking on anyone else anymore. Have a great day and please say, fuck Kyle. That's an inside joke with one of my friends. All right, dude, good for you. Good for you. And you know something good for your teacher. You know what I mean?

Can't always be holding people up at third base every once in a while. You got to wave them around. Here comes the throw at the plank. Right? Good for you. I was going to say, I wish I could watch the video of it, but you'd get in trouble for it. So by the way, I'm drinking water.

That annoying sound is ice water. I'm not still drinking on this thing. All right. Here's a new topic that is, hasn't come up, which I wish it would come up more often. Lesbian love. Dear Dr. Burr, I have a bit of a girl dilemma here. I'm a 26 year old dude living in Connecticut.

Fuck Hartford. Okay. So you're living anywhere but Hartford or you're in Hartford. You hate it. He said, I met a girl. Oh, wait a minute. If this is coming from a guy, all I see is threesome on the horizon. All right.

Please let this go the way I want it to go. Said, I met a girl through a friend of a friend and we became great friends. She lives out of state, but we still keep in touch and communicate with each other whenever we can. All right. You paint with a broad brush here that could be you text every once in a while or you're having, fuck, you're sexting or fucking, you know, pressing your dick up against your computer while Skyping.

I mean, there's a lot of, there's a lot of room for interpretation there. Sir, but I'll continue. He says she's independent, headstrong, not materialistic, likes the same shit I do. And we are always in sync whenever we get together person to person, basically perfect for me and not to sound corny. At some point I fell in love with her. Dude, don't ever apologize for falling in love with a woman. That's just some guy shit.

Well, you can't pretend like you want to be happy too. Good for you. He said, but she's a lesbian and then he rides. Oh, Jesus. Oh, well, dude, did you know that going? Into it? The voice cracking. Did you know that going into it?

You didn't protect your fucking hat. What are you doing the chick thing where you think he can change her? All right. He says it's a bit of an emotional struggle. I would think so. He said, I've already shared my feelings and obviously they went nowhere. So now, you know, I'm thinking now when you said she likes the same shit you like. Yeah, I can see where you guys would be on the same page.

Checking out the ladies. So anyways, so now I got to bottle that shit up inside. It's been like that for almost a year. Part of me still wants to be friends with her, but the other parts of me tells me to forget about her and cut all communications off. Yeah, I mean, or you'll just keep looking at her. Going, oh, maybe she'll blow me today. Ain't happening.

He said, I'd feel like a douchefuck. You guys are really creating odd vulgarities here. A douchefuck. Okay, that's a new one. If I cut all ties and yet I know it's going to suck for me emotional as long as I'm friends with her because I'll never be with her or this feeling go away eventually. My friends keep telling me to forget about her, but I will always be losing an awesome, but I would also be losing an awesome friend too.

What do you think, Bill? Should I listen to my heart or my cock? Thanks. Go fuck yourself. Truly. Let's see. I would say, uh, listen to your heart or your cock. I don't know which wants to do what your heart loves her and you also want to fuck her.

What you have to do is you need to do a combo. Like you have to have a sit down with both your heart and your dick and just be like, look, all right, your dick has to know the score at this point. It ain't happening. Okay. Your dick probably already has its fucking helmet off. It's taking his tape off and all that shit, but your heart, you know, I don't know what you fucking are.

So listen, dude, I'm sorry. I'm buzzed here. What do I think you should do? Yeah, I think you should, you should just walk away. You got to walk away and you got to be into some other chick first and then maybe you can start to be friends again. But, uh, yeah, it sounds like you've been a sad puppy dog with blue balls for a year. And I'd say you've, uh, I think you've done your penance.

You know, why don't you go into the, uh, the open lane? Why don't you do that? I just opened the register. Can I, can I have the next customer? Please go into that fucking line. All right. Oh, man, that sucks. I feel bad for you, dude.

What are you going to do? You know, I saw the other day on the cover of ESPN, ESPN magazine, they had one of those UFC chicks like totally naked, but with their fucking, our goddamn hands wrapped. And I got to tell you something, man, I think those, those women are hot. They are fucking hot. And I think it would make you a better person if you could date, if you went out with a woman that could beat the shit out of you, just because it's a fucking hot, you know, it would, it would, it would force you to be smarter.

The only reason why women are smarter than us is because basically speaking, we can fucking stuff them in a hamper if we want to. So they have to outsmart us. So it's from day one, they're using their fucking brains where we're just sitting there going, you know, using force. There's nothing, we're all fucking knees and elbows. So what would happen is, is you would gain the wisdom of a female by kind of being the bitch in the relationship in that, you know, she could fucking slap you around.

Then you could learn to use tricks like guilt. You know, who knows? Maybe she'd go out and get you a pair of shoes. Right? I'm sorry. So sorry that I put you in a kamor. I've been meaning to watch that UFC show where they have the women in the house. It's hard to watch women beating the shit out of each other.

There's like no way that they can hit them, hit each other that it's fucking pleasant to see. Punching them in their pretty faces or even worse when they take that fucking straight right to the left hit. It's just like, what are you doing? You know, I might be misogynistic here, but I just look, that's like for a baby. Why are they punching you when what are you fucking, uh, baby compartments? I really have a moron. I admit it, you know, whatever.

That's just how I look at it. I'll tell you what, at least I'm honest, at least I'm honest. That's when you know, you said some ignorant shit and half the party's walking away from you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, I say what's on my mind. I say what's up. Well, maybe sometimes you shouldn't. All right, here we go. I work in hell with no escape.

Hey, Billy Redbeard, but the pirate, I'm a police officer in a town in New Jersey where I am an 11 year veteran. All right, hang in there, dude. You're over the hump. What do you need 20 years? I said, keep it moving. You got to do that for another nine years. Uh, the department I work for abuses, those of us who have too much self respect to kiss ass.

All right. Not about trying to be a dick, sir, but you've already painted yourself as the hero here. All right, but I'm going to believe you. Okay. I'm going to believe that you actually do a good job. And the reason why they don't like you is not cause you're fucking, uh, being a cunt. It's because you don't kiss any ass. All right, I'm going to go with that.

He said it's gotten so bad that they suspend and even try to fire guys who don't bow down and kiss the ring. It's the very definite definition of a hostile work environment. And I'm terribly stressed out about the situation. Now you may be asking yourself, is it so bad? Why don't you move on to another police department? Thank you, sir, for giving me the credit for being that intelligent to have that thought. Unfortunately, I didn't. I was immediately thinking that you should get together with some of your friends

and become the surpre goes out there. You know, it may be deep pants, your fucking, uh, CPO, whatever the fuck his name is, you know, start hazing him. Have a little mutiny. Uh, anyways, he says, well, I've tried, but the graded, the great fucked up state of New Jersey has a rule that says if, if I transfer to another police department, both in the department I work for and the department I want to go to have to approve and sign off on the transfer.

I was this close to getting hired by another department. It was denied the transfer by my current police chief or as I call him Satan. Apparently they can do that. I hate stress, but I have bad dreams about the place and it affects my mood when I think about it. Even when I'm off, my question to you is if I am stuck in the worst work environment imaginable, how do I shake off the bullshit and not worry? Thanks for all the laughs and I underestimated your ticket selling ability in New Jersey. I was a little late trying to get tickets to red bank.

Oh, you know, that's not that big a place, sir. But I appreciate the compliment. All right. Well, here's the deal. You can't ever let some other cunt affect your happiness, happiness, happiness. All right. It's all going to come down to how you choose to react to what it is he's doing. That's the first step.

All right. I mean, I know this is a completely different scenario, but I remember I used to live above this fucking angry old man. And he used to always yell at me every fucking thing I did. My old apartment, you know, and I drop his cell phone and keep it up. Do it again. All that shit. And he yelled at me and all that shit. So I, um, I just started hitting him with positivity.

You know, me and Nia just started acting like he was attractive. I just walked by and be like, Hey, what do you say to a good looking? She'd whistle at him like he was sexy. It kind of brought him around in some weird way. And I don't know if you can do that. Can you do that? Can you fuck with your, your superior officer like that? When he comes in and he's a cunt to you and just be like, Hey, sorry, did you lose the weight?

You're really filling out that uniform quite nicely. Just keep doing that uncomfortable shit to him. And then, uh, I don't know if he's truly as bad as you say, you can't tell me some of the other guys you work with don't feel the same fucking thing. I know you have the code of silence, the blue code, whatever the fucking is, you know, but if somebody's being that much of a dick at some point, I'm not saying to rat the guy out. Well, maybe, you know, can you organize something? Or is everybody's too nervous that they won't get another stripe on their fucking costume?

Is that what it is? I don't fucking know. Sir, you know what is, I can just tell you, I feel for you. I don't know what to tell you. You're talking about cops here. He's got a goddamn gun. I would just start sending them flowers and chocolates. And like this positive way, just annoy the shit out of them.

You know, I'd leave them little love letters on his car. You don't need to sign it. I would just start fucking with them just to give yourself something. That is, he's being a cunt to you. You know that he's going to go out there and read, you know, his secret male admirer love letter, just something, something to fuck with the guy. What else could you do? Ah, there's the usual shit, laxatives.

I would do, I don't know what I would do. I would sing like the Mary Tyler Moore song to him every time he was a dick to me. Who can turn the world on with his smile? Well, it's you, Sergeant. You should know it with each little county fucking move. You show it. Why are you such a dick? It's just fucking.

This is a great thing about humor. If it's funny, it's fine. You just got to make sure you get a laugh. And other than that, I would, you know, dude, you got another nine years. You can't let somebody take a decade from here. So I would, I would do whatever it is I had to do. You know, grab some beers with some of the other guys. You probably can't trust them.

There's always some kiss ass that's going to fucking rat you out. I don't want to ruin your career here. Jesus, dude, I don't know what to tell you. I would just, I mean, other than the fucking singing songs to him. Yeah, he comes in and he's telling you some shit you don't want to do. Just look right at him dead serious and be like, God, you got beautiful eyes. Just something like that. Just keep fucking with them because that's a way

whether you can still carry out whatever county order he told you to do, but you still hold on to a piece of yourself. That's the best I have for you. Other than that, I would explore some sort of organized way. Okay, to fucking tip this guy over in his squad car. I hope I helped you out, sir, because that I got miserable reading that. All right. Okay, where the fuck are we?

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Buh-Bee-Dah-Bah-Dah-Bee-Dah-Boo-Bah-Dah-Beep. Had Bill. Last night, I got laid while Breaking Bad was playing in the background for my computer. Okay. Well, thank Vince Gilligan. That ain't me. Now I had a little trouble keeping the guy up during the act, even though she had the ass I would kill for to see again.

So while she was giving me head, which was awesome, by the way, I look up and what do I see on the TV? Billy the freckled face cunt shows up in a truck. This is a true story, by the way. I remember that. That's when we shot that one in Santa Fe. We shot that one in Santa Fe when we robbed the train. I'm not going to say anything else because everybody,

I just started the series. I must say, I couldn't decide between keep watching the scene because I hadn't seen you acting before or enjoying the blowjob. Well, dude, have you ever heard a hit and pause? This guy is like, fucking easy. He loves it. I thought I loved Breaking Bad. This guy loves it.

He says, the whole situation was really awkward because I was imagining you saying stuff like, dude, why are you watching TV while getting a blowjob? What are you, a fig? He goes, I actually started laughing, not thinking about how uncomfortable that would make her, the poor girl. Oh, no.

I was struggling to keep it up while hearing you in my head going, this guy's a fig. That's my joke making fun of people who are homophobic, by the way, just to clarify it before I have to apologize to an overweight blogger on television. The remote control was not in my reach, so I had to watch the camera alternating between two redheaded cunts, Heisenberg and old Billy Redface.

Heisenberg's not a redhead. He has a shaved head. You talking about Jesse Plemons? I don't fucking know. He said, anyways, thanks for ruining a great blowjob you cunt. I'll see you in Sweden in December. Hey, my apologies, sir, but you guys, you know, I know that you're way over there in Sweden,

but I would think that you guys have remote, I know you have remote controls and you have pause buttons. I've been there. You know, that's really weird, sir. That made me uncomfortable with myself getting a blowjob in Sweden. Jesus Christ. It was probably some chick that'd be a fucking 11 over here. And to you guys, it's just another chick from fucking Stockholm, right?

I always mention that whenever I go over there. When you're in Stockholm, the city of Stockholm, it's fucking ridiculous. Not saying there aren't some regular looking people, but just the percentage of really good looking people is, you know, I felt like a mongoloid when I was over there. Like I really need to, like I should have like a hump limping down the fucking street.

So anyways, dude, shake it off. And I hope that girl didn't hear you laughing while she was blowing you because that could really affect her confidence. So make sure she knows why you were laughing. All right. And just say, hey, we're not going to watch TV this time. And then she'll go to blow you again. And then just the sheer quietness in the room

is going to make you start thinking about my dumb face again. You're going to laugh again. You have an issue, sir. All right. The upper decker. Dear St. Bill, I'll get to the point ASAP. My boss booked me a hotel without a fridge. When I got to the hotel, they told me their computers showed up,

showed that the fridge, fridgeless rooms had not been cleaned. I asked, could you just bump me up to one with the fridge then? They responded with the polite no. They then sent a guy to check if any other, those rooms were clean. The fridges, fridges rooms. They told me one of them was, which I figure means it had been cleaned. I took the room. I had four strong beers.

Dogfish had 90 minute IPA. I don't know what that means. I know IPAs have more alcohol, but I don't want 90 minutes. He said that it was anyways, he says that I went to take a shower. I noticed that there was no soap, which means no one fixed the room. That dude who checked must have just made the bed to top it off. The toilet is not working. Shit would not flush.

So I took an upper decker inside the top part of the toilet. My question is, am I an asshole? P.S. This happened 20 minutes ago. Still drunk. Love you work. Are you an asshole? Absolutely. Absolutely you're an asshole because

the person who manages that hotel is not the person who has to clean out the toilet. And all you're going to do is just fuck over the person who's got to clean it up. Yeah, you should have done that shit. Come on, man. Come on. You know, the mature thing to do is you pick up the phone and you say, yeah, I said that this room was ready. It's not ready.

There's no soap in here. This hasn't, basically the bed has been made. The toilet's not working. That's what you do. You know, you don't take a shit in the top part of the fucking toilet. All right. Shame on you. I'm disappointed in you.

You know better than that. I'll give you a little bit of a slap. Let's do four beers in. You already did that. Thank God you didn't have eight. You know, you probably want to shit in the hall. Wrap up. Okay.

That's it people. That's the podcast here. Okay. That's the end. See, I did all right. I did all right. Got myself a nice hour, five minutes here. That's a decent sized podcast.

Oh, who's adorable little podcast. Listen, now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows. Anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast. Get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill.

Real quick, my next big gigs coming up is, what is it? November 7th, 8th and 9th, three of the biggest gigs I've had up until this day. I'm going to be at Constitution Hall in Washington, DC. I'm going to be in the Beacon Theater in New York City, and then I'm going to be in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania. Those dates are November 7th, 8th and 9th. And as always, I'm going to have the lovely Paul Verzi opening for me. That's a Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Most of those, the first show is sold out. I think there's just one show in DC, but there's two in New York and two in Philly. So the first shows I believe are both sold out and the second one is going fast. So once again, thank you to everybody who has bought up the tickets and I'm coming with the best hour that I've written. That's what I like to think. And the weekend after that, I'll be in Deadwood, South Dakota, the Billy Red State Makeup Dates, the last three, Deadwood, South Dakota on the 15th, Tulsa, Oklahoma at Brady

Theater, Tom Brady, November 16th, and the Orpheum Theater, Wichita, Kansas, November 17th. Oh, really quickly, by the way, the Broncos won again. I got to tell you though, I'm seeing a flaw in that team as great as they look. Bronco fans, I want to hear from you. I'm not being a dick, but they're looking like that classic regular season team that scores a zillion points, but lets up half a zillion. And I found that those teams tend to lose in the playoffs playoffs. The San Diego, the air Coriel Chargers, the Dan Marino, dolphins,

the fucking greatest show on turf rams. The year we beat them, the year the Giants beat the fucking undefeated Patriots. That shit catches up with you because when you go to the playoffs, you're going to be playing teams with great defense. And when they slice your offense in half, but your defense can't step it up, all of a sudden you got a close game. And next thing you know, you lose 20 to 17, you're like, what the fuck happened? We scored nine million points this season. All right, Ben, there is a fan. What do you think? We're taking phone calls right now. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Oh, fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.

Every moment of time is just an answer to find what you're here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you breathe for. Every moment of time is just an answer to find what you're here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you breathe for, what you hope for, what you live for. What you hear for what you breathe for what you live for what you're here for what you breathe for what you live for What you hear for what you breathe for what you live for