Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-15-15

Episode Date: October 16, 2015

Bill rambles about drunk coaches, flunking math and Bruins first win.

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You got to give the crowd what they want. You know what I love too is I love that people listen to this and I know that they have roommates, they have boyfriends, girlfriends that fucking hate this in every fucking Thursday. You know, they got to listen to me obnoxiously yell like that. And I know right now they are like, Oh, why do you listen to that guy? Turn the fuck off! I just want to take time right now to say I'm sorry to those of you in the background.

I know it must be difficult and also you know what? Fuck you! I don't need you. Yeah, walk away! I'll give you a fuck! Um, anyways. Oh, fucking Billy Red Velvet Pancakes is in a great fucking mood. That's how I've been eating lately.

I'm still working out, but I'm gradually, the pooch is coming. The pooch, the pooch, the pooch is coming back. Hanging over my under fucking wares. Um, I got to do something about it today. Push-ups and then I'm going to skip rope. So anyways, I'm going on, I'm going on the road tomorrow. Two weeks getting ready for the Madison Square Garden show. And for the first leg of it, it's going to be the four horsemen here.

It's going to be me, Bart, Nick, Verzi and Lawhead. And we're all going to the Notre Dame USC game this weekend. As far as I know, I think USC got rid of their coach. Is that what happened? Why do I, you know why? Because this is all fucking just, I didn't know I was going to talk about this. I'm like, why didn't I look it up? Why didn't I read about it?

You know, why do you run your fucking mouth without looking up some shit? USC coach, let's see what comes up. Clay Helton, USC did a horrible thing to Steve Sarkissian because it had no choice. Oh, this guy was, was this guy bozing it up? Maybe I should call him up, see what he's doing now. Probably got time to do the tour, right? See if we can hang with them. USC did a horrible thing to Steve Sarkissian because it had no choice.

The Trojans put their football future over the health of a person they supposedly cared about. This is probably the best case scenario. Oh, they put their football future over this guy. All right. We're seeing it in. There's nothing good in it. Let's get started. Oh God, just say what he did.

He entered treatment. He showed up drunk a couple of times. That's fucking great. I mean, that sucks because he lost a good job. But wouldn't you love to see tape of that? All right, everybody, take a fucking knee. Get her out. Where's my whistle?

Oh, it is right there. Sorry. That first half was fucking bullshit. You know, I know there was some communication problems. Between me and a quarter. I can't do this. This is bad. This poor pass.

You know what? He's going to fucking, you know what? You got to tell you something for a fucking drunk. Look at him. He looks great. You know, it must be all that screaming and yelling and running up and down the sidelines. I like that he wears the old school, you know, football coach black cleats, right? With the white stripe.

That's unfortunate, huh? That's never fun, right? To make fun of a drunk that just lost his job. He needs a drunk and they do a face plan at work, but he still has his job. Then it's hilarious, right? Whatever. Why am I bringing this up? I'm in a great mood.

I didn't get fired for drinking. And that's one of the scariest things about my, you know, my job, I cannot get fired for drinking. I cannot get fired because I'm self-employed. I could be asked to leave wherever I'm at, but I'm still a comedian at the end of the day. Right? Is that how it works? Why don't you keep drinking and figure it out? Um, anyway, so I'm in a great mood because I got, uh, the tour starts tomorrow.

You know, we're all going to be, uh, it's weird. We're starting with the dessert first. Usually we do the whole tour and then we do go to the game, but how it worked out is the game comes first. So, uh, we're all going to show up, you know, meet at the hotel bar. Whoever gets there first will probably already be there. I think Verzi gets there last, which means he's going to become wheeling in his bag. He probably will get one in him before he even gets to the room. Come on, Paul, do a shot.

Do a shot. Um, yeah, this is going to be awesome. And then a couple more of my buddies flying the following day. We pick them up at the airport. We go straight to the game, to the legendary, uh, confines of whatever the fuck in the name was, a touchdown Jesus stadium. I have no idea, uh, but I've wanted to go there for a long time. And I have a weird thing with Notre Dame where I always wanted to go there when I was a kid.

Um, it was impossible not to be a fan. You know what I mean? They were on TV all the time. It was the fighting Irish. I got some Irish blood in me, although I'm mostly German, but it was fighting Irish. You know, I looked like the mascot minus the beard. Right. So it's just like, you know, I got into it.

So I, for some reason I wanted to be a lawyer. Right. It's probably because I wanted to be in front of a crowd. I have no idea. So when I was in junior high, I was, I wanted to go to Notre Dame and go to law school and become a lawyer. That's what I was going to do. And by the, I had that dream right up until the first day of freshman year in high school. And by the end of my freshman year, I was considering going to Wentworth Institute in Boston and getting into construction.

Um, I'm not going to get into the details of it, but let's just say it went off the rails, went off the rails quick. You know, I basically, if you could somehow Ryan Leafs NFL football career, if you could just slide that over to academia, is that a word? To academics. That's what happened. You know, and in the end, you know, halfway through my freshman year, rather than screaming at a reporter, you know, I was probably yelling at my mom. I don't get it. I don't want to do it. Stupid.

Well, you have to study or you're not going to go to college. I love that. Get your grades up. So you can go to college. It's like, go to college. I can't handle high school. What the fuck are you talking about? It's like sucking at the college level.

Hey, try a little harder. So you can get to the NFL. It doesn't work that way. It does with academics. Right. You can get way in over your fucking head. Next thing you know, you're in a major. You don't even want to be in and all that shit.

You got to get the fuck out of it. Right. So anyways, I absolutely, who's kidding you? I completely just, I fucking tanked. I tanked, you know, like when they say like the coach lost the locker room and he can tell the team's just not out there trying, you know, that was me. I lost my whole drive somewhere during my junior year. I was just like, you know what, am I going to summer school again this year?

I might as well just have a good time. I remember in math class, I used to get like my tests back and I get like a seven. It was always a funny number. What'd you get? I got 75. I got a bill. What'd you get? I'd be like, I got a nine.

I remember getting a 17. I got an 11. Like everything I got on the test, like like we're like quarterback numbered jerseys. I got a Bert Jones. I got a Troy Aikman. I got a Steve Grogan and who's 17? Dandy Dawn Meredith. Was he 17?

17 is a tough one. I got a Rothless Burger, which is also Bert Jones. That's number seven. Raymond Bork. Right. Back then my freshman year of high school, that was still a Raymond Bork until my sophomore year. Somewhere around then he changed to number 77 and speaking of the Bruins.

Here we go, Bruins. Here we go. I fucking love this team. All right. It sucks that because of salary cap and whatever other reasons they had to get rid of Hamilton, Lucic and all these guys, Tyler Sagan, all of these fucking guys over the years. I'm literally watching my own team and I have like the Bruins NHL site opened up onto the roster so I can figure out who's who.

I'm not going to lie to you. We had some rough ones. Winnipeg we got pounded. Actually we did okay for the first half of the game and that just went off the rails. Same thing happened with the Canadians. Then we jumped out to a two to nothing lead against Tampa Bay and right at the end of the period we let up two quick ones. Then the rest of the shit happened and then I don't know what.

So anyways, last night we finally played the fucking the Avalanche and we fucking jumped on them early. We stayed on them and we got to that 10 minute period in the second period. I was just like, all right, all right, please don't fucking implode. We got all the way right to the end and then we took a fucking double minor and they scored a fucking goal. I think at that point it was like either three to nothing or four to nothing. Then it became four to one.

Then it was five nothing something five to two and I thought, you know, the third period I thought we're going to fuck it up. But we didn't. We hung in there. We got our first we got our first victory and Jonas Gustafson was in net and I just want to say to Bruins fans, don't jump all over Tuka. I know he led in a ton of fucking goals, but also we had a bunch of new guys and you know, don't do that Boston thing, that New York thing, that East Coast fucking thing where

you're only as good as your last fucking game where, you know, you know, forget the fact of all the successes that these guys had. Same thing with the head coach and everything. So because there's so many new players, what they did before the Bruins game is what I wish they would do before every hockey game. If anybody connected working with the NHL is listening. If you want to get people a little more on board, every other fucking sport does this before the fucking game starts.

Like if you're watching a baseball game, they'll just be showing the, the, the whole baseball field and then they'll just put the names of all the players of where they're at and they'll do it for both teams and then they show the lineups. You know, they give you a chance. They do it in football offenses on the show the offense and they show the other teams defense and then the other people get the ball. Same fucking thing. For some reason in hockey where it's going 90 fucking zillion miles an hour and you have

substitutions happening while the puck is still in play. For some reason they never fucking do it. So before the Bruins game, they did it. And this was what our lines look like. They had our first line was Erickson, Bert Bergeron and Conley. Then we had, I didn't even know how to say it, Bolesky, Krazy, Pasternak and then Kelly Spota, Hayes. Oh, Jimmy! He had fucking four points last night.

Then it was Ronaldo, Campainen and Talbot was our fourth line. So then, you know, I started looking up the numbers and I'm able to get on. I'm, I'm, I'm all caught up. I still haven't watched the Winnipeg game. I'm watching that today. So I'll be all caught up. And hopefully I heard Brad Marchano starting to skate with the team again. I'm fucking psyched.

And I think they're playing well. You know, we just had to learn to kind of, I don't know, we weren't getting physical with anybody. We just sort of skating the fuck around and we'd let up a couple of goals. And then we, I don't know, we took a bunch of penalties. I got to tell you though, our power play looks like shit though. Our power play looks like shit, but we're great at killing penalties. God knows, you know, if you take 90 a game, you get pretty good at it. You get a lot of practice.

I think we took like seven or eight when we played the Canadians, but, um, but anyways, I'm, I'm, I'm on board. You know, I thought this was going to be a brutal year. Like is if the last few games is as bad as they're going to play, I'm watching every fucking game. I can totally handle it. And it's going to be interesting to see what they can do. We can maybe add, we don't really have, we don't have a guy who's going to score like 40 goals. I don't feel. I mean, maybe we could, if they start to gel, but we just don't have anything like that on our team.

And, uh, but I was liking, we were taking a little bit more, less shit. You know, our defenseman McQuade's always good to fucking clear somebody else. So it's Chara, obviously, but, uh, we'll see how the rest of this goes down, but, uh, I'm fucking psyched. I'm psyched, but I'm going on the road here for like two weeks. So I got to figure out how to use that, um, that shit where you can watch the game. Oh, you know, I'm going with Barton, Barton will show me how to do it. You know, I feel like right now I'm not even doing a podcast anymore. I'm just sort of talking to myself as I'm packing.

I apologize. Let's get back to the podcast here. So whatever, we got our first two points. We're not in the cellar anymore. And I'm actually debating getting the NBA package this year too. I might start watching the Celtics too. Um, you know, my marriage will suffer if I get both, if I get both of those going and the NFL, you know, fucking happy. I'm going to be, do you know how upset my wife's going to be?

This is how cool Nia is. You know what she got me the other day? She got me this thing that makes round ice cubes, these giant round ice cubes that you stick in your drink for when you're having a little liquor. And she only got me one cause she wasn't sure if it was going to fucking, uh, if it was going to, if I was going to like it. And I absolutely love it. So I've been making them all day. You know, what, what the fucking movie was it? Was it good fellas when they were making like the eight balls?

That's what I'm doing except with ice cubes. And my goal is to have it all filled up these round ice cubes. You know, oh shit, I just came up with a brutal idea. What you could do with those kids do not do this. I think everybody listens to this is too old for a snowball fight. Remember back in the day when you fucking hated somebody, you made the old ice ball. Everybody's throwing snow and then you fucking put some ice in the middle of it. You always took that one either to the fucking side of the head, took it right to the temple, or you took it in the kneecap.

One of the other always caught you right on a fucking bone. It was never, you know what I mean? You got this giant fucking winter coat on. You're wearing basically a flak jacket. It would never hit that come sailing right in and you got your stupid knitted cap with the pompom on it. By the way, could the NFL make those hats any fucking bigger? How dumb did Tom Brady and, uh, what's his there Cameron Crow there? That plays for the fucking, uh, the fucking Panthers.

Look that giant stupid hat on both of them. Tom, Tom Brady and, uh, Nate Newton. What the fuck is his name? Well, God damn it. What's the fuck's the name of the guy? He played for Auburn. He won the Iceman trophy. They said he was cheating.

Is it Cameron? I fucking don't know. Anyways, both him and Tom Brady, they have like movie star good looks. Right? The two of them. But you put those fucking hats on them. It's like they're wearing like they're adults. Hang on a second.

Hello. Hey, I'm doing the podcast. I got you on speaker. Say what's up. Oh, hi. What's up? All right. I'll see you in a minute.

Bye. Um, anyways, why did I make the hat so fucking big is my big question. Oh, and speaking of NFL football, if I can just dance all over the fucking place here, because I'm so excited to go on the road, my ADD is just flying off the fucking rails here. Um, to the point just because I said that, I just forgot what the fuck I was going to talk about. NFL football. The Patriots are playing the crying Colts. The Indianapolis crying Colts.

They're playing them this weekend. Andrew Luxhart though. So we'll see. Um, we'll see what the fuck happens. I would, you know, if we beat them or whatever, I don't want, I'm not going to fucking talk any shit because, uh, not going to be like, you say, um, because I know luck isn't 100%. So that's the thing too about the Patriots. It's just like we got this gaudy record, but I don't feel like we've played anybody. You know, the Steelers weren't the Steelers.

Right. We played Jacksonville. They stink. We played the bills, you know, they're still trying to find their way. And we played the Cowboys without Tony Romo. So here we are sitting on four and oh, you know, I don't know. I'd like to see how we do it against like the Packers or something. The Giants are starting to come on fucking Eli Manning.

Oh my God. If we never see Eli Manning again in the playoffs, you know, happy I will be. I totally, I'm telling you the football gods love that man. I got in this big debate with Paul and I was going, dude, he's basically drew breeze with the defense. He's not as good as Brady. He's not as good as Peyton Manning. He's, he's gone, dude, he's fucking gangster and all this shit. And what it really was is I know the guys to shit.

What it was, was when the way that the Giants beat the 49ers was it last week? I've been running around so much. The way that they beat them made me have a flashback to when they beat us when we were undefeated. It was the same fucking thing. I watched Eli throw a pick to lose the game and I watched it. I watched it get dropped and you do not want to give that man a second chance. Who's getting who? Eli gets a lot of the fucking credit, but it was their front four, man.

Their front four stray in and all those guys kicked the shit out of our old line. Brady played the game fucking running for his life. I mean, that was that had a lot to do with it. But Eli also made the fucking huge plays. I don't want to see that guy again. I just, you know, it's funny as far as he's going like, dude, you know, even the New York media, they keep jumping on the guy. They always jumping on him. You know, he's like, look at Brett Farve.

Brett Farve threw a bunch of interceptions, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all this shit, you know? And he goes, they just liked him because he was a hick. And I was like, dude, Eli and Brett Farve, if I'm not mistaken, are from the same state. Aren't they both from Louisiana? This is the deal. The problem Eli has is mechanically. He's not as good as his brother, even though I would take him in the playoffs over his brother, I think, for whatever fucking reason. He's just had more success.

And the reason why I think people jump on Eli, the man just does not look good in a football uniform. He doesn't look good when he puts his puts the helmet on. He just doesn't look good. You know, and then when he's out in his street clothes, you know, he's walking around wearing like action slacks and a fucking sweater. You know, partner's hair on the side like he's still in the third grade. It's like he's asking for it. I don't want to blame the victim, but the man is fucking asking for it. However, I do think he's the shit.

And if somehow it works out that the Giants get healthy, you know, JPP, you know, comes back, right? And they somehow, you know, have a better record or they go in and they beat Green Bay in Green Bay and we face them in the Super Bowl. I'm telling you right now, I am not watching it. I'm not sitting through that again. I know what you're thinking. Jesus Christ, Bill, I think you're a fan of your team. I am. I am a fan of my team. But how many times can you get fucking slapped in the face before you don't start Winston first, you know? Although it would be great to come back and try to avenge those two.

God, we fucking gave it. Didn't give it to him. We gave him two up to him. Sante, Samuel dropped that pick. Brady to Welker. Three yard pass. Those two fuckups allowed Eli to become a legend. All right. I'm not taking away from Eli because he had to fucking deliver and he did. Oh my God, it makes me sick to my stomach thinking we're going to play the fucking Giants again. Jesus Christ.

You think winning four of them, you could fucking walk it off and be happy. But no, I'm actually going to try to do a podcast with Rappaport right after we play each other and nobody talks shit like that guy. If you guys listen to him on stern when he does the fantasy football thing, Rappaport is out of his fucking head. He's out of his fucking mind. So, Giants fans, if you guys win, you're going to want to tune in to his podcast if I'm on there. Patriot fans, you're going to maybe want to take up cycling or something. You might want to skip that one. Anyway, so let me do some, let me do, ah, fuck, I forgot to bring this shit up.

I forgot to bring it. You know what, I forgot to bring it. Did I bring up the DraftKinks thing? I love talking about these guys because I love, I love that people thought that they were going to fucking somehow, you know what, do you realize that sports stadiums have like DraftKink little fucking like booths there? Or things, at least, is it just their avatar? There's no way they have the booths at the stadium. I have to look that up because if they do, they're literally the sports book. Let me look this up. DraftKink, needless to say, they're never going to fucking advertise on this thing anyways. And I can't help it. I can't not talk about this. This is fucking fascinating.

All right, DraftKink's booths at stadiums. Probably booths isn't the right thing. VIP experience, Gillette Stadium, premium seating. No, that's not it. Maybe they just, I saw, somebody showed where they had like one of those, what do you call it, an awning. And it said DraftKink's on it. It's like, there's no way you can walk up. That'll probably be like the next thing. But whatever. I think I told the story the last time about that thing on FanDuel where the guy worked on Wall Street and said, you know, I'm quitting my Wall Street job to try to win a million dollars on FanDuel. And then of course he does. Of course he does, right? Because that's all you do.

Just, you know, pick your players and then pick up your cash. Simple as that, right? So the guy wins a fucking million dollars and then quits. I'm to believe that this man walks away from a six-figure job to take his million-dollar earnings that are now about four and 80 grand after taxes. And he's now going to take that and invest in his new business of gambling on football and that he's not going to end up being homeless. Anyways, I feel at this point I'm just fucking beating a dead horse. I always hated that fucking thing, beating a dead horse.

It's like, well, it was okay to beat it when it's alive, you cunt, you know? Remember back in the day when me and Verzi were talking about what you would do if you had like a time machine? I think I just figured out what the fuck I would do. I would go back in time and I would fucking abuse people, abuse an animals. Well then again, if I was going to do that, then what about human beings? Well, you're going to go in there and try and stop slavery, you know? Go back and try to give the fucking Native Americans little heads up.

What the fuck am I reads for this week? YouTube video, what happened to Canada, Hollywood improv. Your dispute has been escalated to a claim. What the fuck is that? Disconnect. What the fuck is the fucking? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm in the wrong one here.

I'm in the wrong account. Why do I have so many accounts? All right, here we go. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. You guys just walk it off. Go make yourself a sandwich. In a couple of seconds, I'll get back to the podcast here. Come on, come on, come on.

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You know what I mean? All of that fucking, you know, angry vineyard, you know, fuck you orchard, all of that stuff, crazy mikes, donkey punch, you know, ball bag brew, all of that stuff, the hoppy, you know, Honduras, whatever the fuck it is. None of it's, you know, you know what I bought that absolutely fucking sucks. I bought Guinness's blonde ale. I'm telling you right now, if you ever just wanted to buy a six pack, have a sip and then dump the rest in a sewer. That is the beer for you. I love Guinness, but Jesus Christ.

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Oh my God, dude. I am so fucking excited to go to that Notre Dame game. All the drinking. We're gonna drink a bunch of beers, smoking the cigars, being a douche, root in a... Oh no, I'm gonna root for the Irish. You know, I'm gonna root for the Irish over fucking USC. I never liked USC. You know, if they just had one more fucking song that the band could play.

I literally think I could make the USC band play in trumpet. If you gave me fucking six weeks, I could learn how to go... 58 fucking times a quarter. Not the most creative people there down at USC. You know what I mean? I don't get it. They got the money, you know? All right.

Okay, we gotta wrap this thing up because I got a bunch of shit I gotta do. So I'm actually gonna be on the road. And when I'm done doing this shit, did I mention I'm gonna be on the road? I'm actually running down to the grocery store and I'm gonna make some pumpkin bread because every year I make it from my fucking neighbors, you know? And I don't get back until November, beginning of November. So I'll miss... I'll miss Halloween, so I'm gonna knock out a couple of loaves here.

Make like four or five tonight with my round ice cube fucking whiskey going out. It's gonna be the shit. It's gonna be the shit. I haven't smoked a cigar well over two weeks. I am so ready to fucking go. I swear to God, I'm ready to run to the fucking airport. Ladies, do you get this fucking exciting? What gets you going like this?

There's gotta be something. I know it is. There's no way you go through life not getting this excited. I'm meeting five of my favorite guy friends in the fucking... Like I have women friends. I don't have any women friends. Five of my favorite friends in the fucking world who use smoked cigars and go to the Notre Dame USC game.

One of my buddies is gonna be on my fucking flight. It is gonna be a wire to wire shit show. I can't wait. Oh, we're gonna be bleary eyed by the time we get to Fort Wayne. I'm really looking forward to Fort Wayne too. And I understand some of you guys, if you can't fucking make it, because the Patriots are playing the Colts at that time. I get it.

What are you gonna do? Anybody who's showing up to that thing? God bless you. God bless you. You know what I mean? I might even go out and take some fucking pictures with you afterwards. I should fucking do that. You know, I should do that in Fort Wayne.

You know what I mean? Go out there amongst all your drunks. You know, you come up to me hammered, spitting in my face, not meaning to, and then I gotta wipe it off. Oh, dude, I'm sorry. Did I get you? You know, I might even go out there. I might even go out there.

What I do is I go right back to the fucking, the same thing you would do. You're done with your job. Are you gonna go hang around for more job? Or are you gonna go out to your car and start drinking? That's what the fuck I would do. It's a no-brainer. All right, I'm sorry.

I'm being a cunt here. Oh, Bill, are you really gonna grace us with your big fucking head, you cunt? What makes you think we're not gonna drive away, you arrogant fuck? I don't know. Anyways, let's wrap this up here. Before I go, Lamar Odom, everybody, man, I hope for some reason he pulls through,

and thank God he's actually, at this point, surrounded by Kardashians and that film crew to let him know that they really care so they can get all the crying on camera so they can fucking get some ratings. Jesus Christ. I heard that that's what they're doing. That better not be true.

That poor guy seems like the nicest fucking guy ever. Yes, I'm sitting here glorifying, going out, boozing and shit. Jesus Christ. I hope the guy pulls through, obviously. So that is it. Can I end on that note? I guess it wasn't negative, but it's sad. I'll tell you one...

All right, that's a happy story. This morning, I hadn't flown, you know, done the helicopter thing in well over a month, so I had to get down there because I knew I was gonna be gone for another two weeks. I didn't want to get too rusty. So I did a flight this morning, and it was just like no one was up there.

It was so fucking clear. It was one of the sickest flights I've ever done. I transitioned through LAX's airspace, like 150 feet off the water, flew right over these guys sitting on surfboards. I was so low, I could actually look, and I saw a father telling his son to look up at the helicopters we were going by,

made a right turn at Santa Monica Peers, flew right up Santa Monica, right by the UCLA campus, and then I went over to the Fox lot, where I just had some acting work, flew right over where we were shooting, and then I flew back over to where my house is, did a lap around the top of my house,

and then went over to the Rose Bowl, did a lap around that, did a low approach at El Monte Airport, straight out departure, and then landed back at fucking Long Beach. It was the shit. I'm so happy I did that, because it was getting to the point,

is that thing where you don't do it for a while and you start getting nervous again, like oh fuck, do I remember how to do this shit? So one of the, I don't know, maybe this is only appealing to people that have a pilot's license, but I gotta tell you, the fucking privilege to be able to do that

and the feeling you get when you're up there is really indescribable. It's such a cool thing, but I get nervous about making the call when you gotta go through Bravo Airspace because you gotta have total fucking 100%, they gotta read you a whole tail number. This is one of these things where they can say,

you have clearance, but they don't read you a whole tail number, and you gotta say back to them your whole fucking tail number, or else you're in trouble, even though they fucked up. You know what I mean? I don't wanna get in trouble. That's what I have the biggest nightmare of.

I don't even have anything about the engine cutting out anymore. I've done enough of those auto rotations. We did a few more today. We only did one, but I did a great job simulating engine failure. Granted, I got a nice long fucking runway to pick out. You know what's funny,

when we were flying today, they were doing the earthquake drill at all of the schools, so every school I flew over, or flew near, had a bunch of kids standing out in the field, which was unsettling because those are the places I,

you know, you're looking like, if I have a problem, that's where the fuck I'm landing, and you look down, there's a bunch of kids there, and you're like, all right, now I gotta try to put it down on the street. You know, there's all these wires

and the fucking traffic lights and all of that shit, but it was an unbelievably clear day, and it was also cool out. It wasn't hot, flew with the doors off. It was the fucking shit. It was awesome. So anyways,

I don't know what the fuck I'm babbling about here, and I'm sure I was all over the map and I was probably talking too fast here, but I'm excited to do this tour and to do the run through the Midwest. Once again, we're gonna be doing Fort Wayne, we're doing Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Pittsburgh,

Milwaukee, Chicago, Minneapolis. I might have forgot one in there, but we're tearing all the way through the Midwest, and we got Lawhead with us right through Columbus. He's not doing Pittsburgh, but he's doing, he is gonna do Cleveland, and the after party, by the way,

the after party in Cleveland, if you guys wanna hang out with us, is gonna be at Hilarity's Comedy Club. They got the Martini Bar. We're gonna be going there after the show. Nick Costas, one of my favorite people in this business, the owner of Hilarity's,

and he used to headline me there when I would draw like 30 or 40 people. So whenever I come to town, I always make sure that, I always make sure that I stop by, say hello and thank you to him. Whenever I go to Pittsburgh, I always make sure I say what's up

and thank you to Randy Bauman, WDVE, who built me up in that market, you know, big time hockey fan and all that type of shit. He always breaks my balls about the fucking Patriots being cheaters and all that shit.

So a lot of good stuff to be looking forward to coming up. And once again, thanks to everybody who's bought tickets, and that's it for the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast. Just before Thursday, here's some throwback shit for you,

and I'll see you out there on the road. It felt like yesterday we were meant to stay living like nothing wrong could happen I still recall the time you were on my mind monopolizing each and every second Maybe that should know

how it's gotta go cause nothing is made to last forever I've been moving on and the proof is in the song I'll never know Dearest Billion My college roommate has been dating his fiance

for two years. He's a really nice guy so he tends to get walked all over. Jesus Christ. I have to read that again because there's so much that right there is something that every guy needs to hear.

He's a really nice guy so he tends to get walked all over. I'm not saying you have to be a dick. Alright, but you gotta stick up for yourself. Okay, here we go. Even before they got engaged I had heard rumors about his girlfriend being

a bit of a hooah. As his friend as his friend and her pretend friend I attempt to give her the benefit of the doubt and ignore the accusations as did my roommate who had also heard the rumors.

Unless she was drunk and got out of control and belittling him we didn't mind her too much aside for her trying too hard to be one of the guys. Recently, now this one I'm fucking up reading

because he's naming all names, recently Ebenezer called to me and said that Tabitha had kissed a guy at a bar. Recently the fucking potential

groom called up to say that his fiancee hooah had kissed a guy at a bar and that they were postponing their wedding and starting fresh. I was just pressed to hear that he wasn't dumping this bitch but whatever, not my choice

at least he knew about it. So after starting fresh for what seemed to be the fifth time it appeared that they were working it out. Of course this is when things go completely off the rails with one phone call. A friend, another friend who knew nothing about the cheating kiss that happened a few weeks ago tells me

that a friend of his from college was told by his whore fiance that she would break off the engagement if he gave her a chance just fucking yesterday. What? Well why can't she just open up her mouth

and break it off? Anyways the source seems reliable but it's still just hearsay. All of his friends now know but somehow the potential groom doesn't. There is no easy way to bring this up to him so I'm up to hear any advice.

Thanks for the podcast and the podcast select. Hope to see you perform again soon. Oh fuck. Alright you gotta make a call here. You gotta you gotta decide whether or not

you're prepared to put your friendship on the table because uh you want to tell him this shit basically because you're worried that he's not gonna believe you. He's gonna flip the fuck out and then he's gonna go ahead and marry this whore

anyways and the two of you aren't gonna be friends. I gotta tell you this dude it's gonna make you sick to your fucking stomach to watch this guy go through this shit. Let's say you keep your mouth shut and you stay friends with them then you're gonna sit there and you're gonna watch

this girl fuck around on him. You know? I don't know why guys choose to do this. Women don't. If women see a dude fucking around they go right to their girlfriend. Oh my god. Oh my god he fucking I thaw him blah blah blah blah

blah and they hug and they say I'm sorry I'll be there for you you can do better and they try and fucking for some reason guys we can't do that. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's an ego thing you can't handle that your girl's been fucking around but uh dude you gotta tell this guy

you gotta tell this guy fuck this girl don't let another fucking whore go out there and take some guy for all he's worth because this bitch is gonna get knocked up and this guy's gonna be into her for 18 fucking years financially okay and just like that other guy said where is the goddamn justice. Alright

what you need sir is a clear conscience you have to say something alright and just tell him just tell him say look you're gonna hate me for telling you this but as a friend I have to tell you this I can't sit back and hold on to this information

I gotta tell you and I support whatever decision you want to make and all you gotta do is just tell him the facts without calling his fiance a whore don't say that just say what you know and then that's it and tell him dude I really think you need to dump

this girl you can do way better and that's it if he gets fucking mad at you he gets mad at you and if he cuts you out he cuts you out but this but you will not have you won't have a guilty conscience it won't be weighing on you I'm telling you and I know some other people

say you know mind your own fucking business when it comes to this stuff I don't you get in there and tell him if one of your buddies is gonna marry a whore you gotta tell him you gotta tell him I saw that happen to a guy I know I saw it saw it fucking happen

it was fucking just it was horrible it was horrible and I was younger and I didn't fucking say anything and then the whole fucking thing unraveled about 15 years later it was just awful fucking wasted a decade and a half of his goddamn life um looking back should have said something

but did not did not so I'm telling you to do what I didn't do so if you don't I can't judge you cause I didn't do it here never feel like I do now

I used to never feel like I do now I used to work on it I used to care had no fear but then I used to

never feel like I brought a video camera with me this weekend I forgot my little tripod stand um oh I forgot to tell you so this fucking audience member this audience

you know what you don't want to know why how I just remembered the audience member if you want to get an idea of my brain works I just realized that I forgot when I said tripod those little mini tripod things I was picturing setting up my video camera and then I immediately imagined

fucking somebody in my room and then I thought about this girl this weekend who came by who had the most phenomenal titties I've seen on the road in a long time yeah and then that took me to being in the bar and

this what this douche said alright so I'm hanging at the bar right I'm drinking a what the fuck was I drinking there I was drinking cranberry and soda alright the girl with the phenomenal tits is showing

how she can do that fucking Hulk Hogan thing so everybody's watching it's phenomenal and then this guy goes hey Bill Bill come on I'll talk to you for a second so I'm like alright yeah why don't I talk to you instead of watching this girl fucking mover de-cup titties

as I drink a cranberry juice do you understand sir I'm not drinking anymore you know I don't fuck around so this is my own little innocent I can do to make it somewhat exciting to be here in Columbus at the mall anyways so I'm fucking

so I walk over to this guy you know what because I'm a nice guy because I'm generous no because I have a need to be liked so I walk over and I start talking to this guy and he starts asking me 9 million fucking questions about doing stand up

like I'm on I even said at one point like dude what is this inside the actor's studio and he goes no I just went I finally said dude are you thinking about doing stand up and he said yes he's sitting there with his wife so I say to the guy I go just write 5 minutes of shit you think is funny go on stage

when they call your name alright you'll figure it out from there there's no way there's nothing more I can do it's not like I don't know teaching somebody how to change the oil it's like just something you have to just jump

in the deep end and just hope you don't drown it's just it's the most fucked it's the most fucked up thing ever to try and learn how to do like if you learn how to play guitar you can take guitar lessons and you can get to a certain level

of skill before you actually try to take it out of the party and play in front of other people but stand up you have to the first time you do it you have to do it on a stage while people watch you it's fucking it's unreal

so that's what I'm trying to explain to this guy he's sitting there with his wife he's telling me that he's a banker and he actually said that a lot of shit that I say is hitting the nail right on the head so I'm sitting there talking to this guy and all of a sudden these two other ladies come over

alright there was part of that other crew of people the girl with the fucking titties that she was making moves she goes hey we're leaving Bill thanks for the show I said hey thanks for coming out see you next time we come here and then he says hey Bill how long you been with your girlfriend just out of the blue

and I just went I don't know five six years and then they just it got all uncomfortable and then they left I'm thinking why the fuck did he ask me that right and then he says to me he goes oh sorry about bringing up your girlfriend

I just wanted those girls to leave because I wanted to keep talking to you and his wife just looks down at the table like Jesus Christ and for some reason in my head I was like I was like did he think I was fucking hitting on those girls why the fuck would he do that and then I just realized

it wasn't until later I just realized what a fucking manipulative dirt bag fucking move that that guy was doing and then I was thinking thank God he's thinking about doing stand up because the fact that he's a banker and is going to handle other people's money

I don't know if he's an investment guy I don't know what but that's like the kind of guy that will make old people eat alpo and not even give a shit you know watch he'll become a comedian he'll probably end up stealing jokes god damn it I wish I could just teleport myself back to that moment in time

and just tell him what an absolute fucking piece of shit move that was you know barrister in front of his fucking wife and then left just a fucking oh it was so fucking slimy yet effective it did fucking work

I alright dear bill I am from Kansas City and there's currently radio commercials in which a law officer a law a law office offers their services exclusively for women going through a divorce of course

they do there's a ton of money involved there they talk about how they will review all of the husband's finances and ensure the woman will receive the maximum amount the law will allow and then he writes in capital letters what the fuck

are there any law offices that offer services exclusively for men I doubt it if there were I would imagine there would be a huge protest from feminists all across the US I know you've addressed this hundreds of times over but

why is it okay to completely fuck a man over this commercial insinuates the man is already in the wrong this is absolute bullshit dude preach on this guy is speaking the gospel here anyways wanted to

share this with you as this is just another example of man bashing commercials that just piss me off alright let's let's let's review this yeah okay first of all you can't get mad at the lawyers because they're just going where the money is and

and as you as you as you say that if it was the opposite way that there would be feminist groups protesting alright that therein lies the fucking problem until men actually

get together and start protesting that type of shit which I would absolutely love to be a part of on any fucking level I would love to see that happen but we're guys we don't do that shit once we get you get punched in the face yeah

fuck you you get up and you walk away like you can't do that like yeah there should be guys protesting it I think that would be fucking hilarious um that's absolutely terrifying that's one of nine million reasons why I never got

fucking married that is just un fucking believable you know I'll tell you what kills me is most women who would watch that they always say the same thing when you like you'll say to them like can you believe that shit when they always say that same yep that's right that's right yeah that's what you get

that's what you get uh big stupid face what the fuck have you ever done that's my whole my whole thing with that it's just uh I don't know you get married you just better pray to god it fucking works out

as a guy that's all you have and the amount of power it's not a balanced relationship because of the way that the divorce laws are it's the second you know it's like when you're single you have an unbelievable amount of power as a guy

even if you're in a relationship because she can't get to you legally that's it it's fucking over you have your shit and that's it and you're a guy and you can earn a fucking living that's it you don't have to worry about shit

and the second you get married you lose all power because at any point she can just divorce you and fucking take you for everything you're worth everything you work for it's just it's fucking over look at tiger woods tiger woods gave his wife a quarter of a billion

dollars she was a nanny fucking nanny worth what nine figures for what she he had a preenup where she was only going to get five million dollars only five million dollars

who here wouldn't kill for five million dollars I quit my podcast for a fucking 200 grand you know you find out your husband's some dog going around cheating or whatever

that's that happens to women and the guy's a broke ass son of a bitch and they're left with nothing so it's not like women always make out but here's a situation when you find out your husband's a dog the marriage is over

oh but I get five million dollars but that's not enough for the cunt because she knows he has a billion and she wants to get as much as that as she can I swear to fucking god I can't do these topics because it makes you see red because they're not entitled to it it's bullshit

alright if you marry the greatest golfer of a fucking generation who's won 14 titles okay and you haven't even won a game of tiddlywinks on a professional level you're not entitled to that money you're not you are

ugly but you're not you didn't fucking earn it you cunt alright there you go Bill get to the core of the hatred I feel like I don't know I know it's probably for the better I wish I could somehow

just not remember I know it's probably for the better oh I wish I could somehow just not remember I used to I used to

I used to I used to get I had no fear but that I would soon ever see you tonight tonight

I I