Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-18-18

Episode Date: October 18, 2018

Bill rambles about doing press, building security, and Michelin stars.

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Seein' how your week's goin'? I know if you're livin' in Boston, your week's goin' pretty good. If you're livin' in Houston, it ain't goin' so good, is it? Fuckin' unbelievable. How many times? How many fuckin' times do fuckin' players on opposing teams just gonna fuckin' rile up the other team with some dumb horseshit? Didn't you learn anything with Aaron Judge?

In a very un-Aaron Judge moment, playing fuckin' New York, New York, up in Boston? Because they what, they tied the fuckin' series? What are you doin'? And then this other jackass on Houston, lookin' at some game film, that's where they went back to back to back on fuckin' Valdee, whatever, I don't know what anybody's fuckin' name is. Why the fuck would you do that? I'm glad you keep doin' it.

Stupid fuckin' moves. You're the defending World Series champions. You don't need to be goin' around tryin' to fuckin' troll people. You carry yourself with the quiet confidence of a champion. That's what you're supposed to do. You don't fuckin' rile them up. So they can be in the other locker room goin', tell you somethin' about those guys across the hall.

They don't respect you. I mean, look what they, look what he said on fuckin', on fuckin' FaceTime. Whatever the fuck these kids are doin'. And I know there's a lot of people down in Houston goin' like, you know, I don't know about that El Tuve thing. I think that was a fuckin' homerun. You know what, I agree with you. God knows they didn't have any angle where you could definitively say it one way or another.

Looked like he reached back into the stands. I know Kate Upton thought that that's the way it went down. And that's good enough for me. Kate Upton said, so if a player is in the stands, fans are supposed to move over? Those are the rules. MLB shouldn't let fans sit there. They didn't reach over the fence. You know, who would've thought Kate Upton was that into the fuckin' game?

It's great. Anyways, I thought it was, I mean, every angle that I saw, which was nothing definitive, I could see why they didn't overturn it. I was surprised we got that call. But that's not why the Astros lost the game. I hate when people do that. Well, he missed the field goal in the first quarter and they lost by two. So, I mean, if he hits that, then they win the fuckin' game.

No. If he fuckin' hits it, it changes the whole game. Didn't you watch Back to the Future? You can't go back changing things. The reason why you fuckin' lost is because you let up eight runs. Why did you let up eight runs? Because you run fuckin' social media fuckin' ampin' up the Red Sox. They got a little more spring in their steps.

I'm sorry. Did they not respect the fact that we won 108 fuckin' games? And then Jackie Bradley Jr. has got to go up there and give the O right there, Fred. What does? Anyways, I still, you know, I still think this thing is far from over. All right? You're probably thinking, hey, Bill, you're up three games to one. Why would you say that?

Because I remember 2004 when there was a fuckin' $200 million team up three games to none. And they did win. So, until we put the final nail in the fuckin' coffin, you know, that's it. And by the way, who is the fuckin' cunt? And how the fuck did you figure out? How the fuck did they figure out the name of the guy? Some random fuckin' guy.

Not one credit on IMDB. How did they find out what his fuckin' name was? And then why would you go ahead and publish it after what happened to that poor bastard? What's his name? Oh, Mikey Michelson up there in the Chicago Cubs. That guy. When fuckin' him and four other people all reached up for the ball and it just so happened to hit him. Whatever the hell his name is.

I'm glad I forgot what his fuckin' name is. I hope that guy has been able to move on with his life. The guy to hide, fuckin' hide under the old Komiski Stadium for the last fuckin', I don't know, 15 years. Now that the Cubs won it, will you finally stop taking your childhood out on this guy? That fuckin' guy in the front did what everybody else would do. Do you realize the balls it takes to fuckin' stick your hand out there? You ever, like, have a foul ball or somethin'? That's a fuckin' baseball.

Would you go play baseball with your friend? The guy who's just buildin' an app with no glove? Would you do that? Leave the guy the fuck alone. That's like some shit that morning fuckin' radio guys trying to be edgy. They're the kind of people. They fuckin' put the person's name out. This poor bastard goes,

Look, you know, I gotta get security. The Astros lose this game. I'm going to need security escort me out of here. The Astros don't come back and win this. I mean, that's just fuckin', that's pathetic. You know, what about the other pitchers givin' up all those runs, huh? Do they have security escortin' them out of the building? Well, I guess they do.

How about that catchpin' Ben attendee at the end of the game? Unfuckin' believable. So, having said that, the Houston Astros still scare the shit out of me because they are the defending World Series champions. They've got a couple of fuckin', you know, tough games here. But I think if Verlin is gonna be coming back any moment to put on his white hat and come back in and save the day, try to make it 3-2, then all of a sudden they're like,

well, hey, you know, all we gotta do is win one more and now it's fuckin' tied up and it's anybody's series. That's how quickly it can fuckin' turn around. It's no different than gettin' married. You know, you're a single man. You got the world by the balls and any second, you could just fall in love with the woman and all that freedom you had, all that time,

all those great feelings you felt about yourself. All those dumb sports shorts, sports shirts that you had that you thought were cool, all of a sudden they just disappear. You're just like you're in seventh grade. I like seventh grade. Honey, just try on this button down and it all fuckin' goes away. Don't ever forget that, you know?

It's like a fuckin' squirrel, right? It goes over, gets a couple of nuts, it's fuckin' lollygaggin' across the road and all of a sudden a hammer comes along, right? It just fuckin' flattens the thing. I don't know what I'm talkin' about right now. I'm just stunned that we're up three games to one. Hopefully Joel Olstein will fuckin' open the doors to his church

and let some people in there, you know, let that guy fuckin' hide in there. Joel, open the fuckin' door! I need security! Is it raining out? Jesus doesn't want you to come in if it's raining out. Alright, enough of that shit. We still got one more to go. I haven't said that, I still love the fuckin' Astros

and I love their fans. I haven't seen them this fuckin' amped up, you know, since those great late 70s teams, with JR Richards and all that. I love when I see the old school gay pride parade flag that they used to have. It was actually more like the gay pride like ginger flag. Like if you like gay people but only redheaded ones,

that was like when you had a flag for it. That's what their jersey looked like. Alright, here's one for you. I've been in New York City. I'm on Baltimore now. Baltimore? Scarface reference, anybody? I got two shows tonight at the Lyric Theater and then I fuckin' got Atlantic City.

I got two more and then I see my daughter for the first time in a week. This has been fuckin' brutal but I had to do it because I gotta fuckin' try and, you know, I gotta hype these goddamn gigs. So anyways, I'm doing the whole fuckin' run yesterday. 6.15 in the morning until 7 at night just runnin' my fuckin' yap about Madison Square Garden. And dude, every fuckin' every, almost every fuckin' interview.

Almost every fuckin' interview. It's just like, so what do you think about Louis C.K. coming back? You know, stand up as a predominantly white... Would you say that it's a predominantly white male patriarchal fuckin'... Well, what do you feel is an abortion? It's just like, what am I fuckin' runnin' for office here? You know, all these fuckin' comedians that want to talk about that shit just because they're talkin' about all of that shit

and gettin' all political and fuckin'... Divein' into this, dividing the country down the fuckin' middle. I'm just sittin' there like, why do I have to... Why do I have to comment on this? So I'll let you guys on in a little fuckin' inside. I'm sorry, I don't have my microphone so sorry about the fuckin' breathing on the mic there. I'll let you in on a little fuckin' secret.

This is how I handle those questions. They'll go like, so what do you think about Louis C.K. coming back? I just go, I don't know, what do you think about it? It fuckin' works every time. Either they go, well, no, I'm asking you. I'm like, well, I wasn't thinkin' about it, but you're obviously thinkin' about it. You obviously have an opinion.

I would love to hear your opinion that fascinates me. What do you think about it? Or you just go, I don't know, what do you think about it? They're like, you know, I think it's fine. I mean, I think it's bullshit or whatever. And then I just sit there and I look over and I fuckin' look at my butt, you know, looking around the radio and I just smile at him.

The fuck do I think? I think I want to still be able to make my mortgage this month, if you don't mind. Okay? It's fuckin' unbelievable. I don't understand how this is a more progressive error where, and things are getting better, that if you haven't done anything,

even if you comment in the wrong fucking way, all of a sudden you're in trouble and they take your fuckin' show away. I just, I just like, it's, it's fuckin' ridiculous and I know that I am in the massive majority when I say that. Jesus, fuckin' Christ.

The amount of people that I saw on this fuckin' trip that old friends I haven't seen yet, you know, women, you go to hug them, you're like, oh, oh, oh, is this, you know? I want to come up with a fuckin' me too stick. The thing where you're going for the hug and then if you feel fuckin' weird, it's just fuckin', it's like a nerf stick or something.

It just shoots out between the two of you. I'm bringing back the fist bump. But you know, in this current comedy climate, what do you, is it harder in the community, yeah, in this current climate, if I hear that one more fuckin' time, it's like, what fuckin' shows,

go to a comedy show, go to a comedy show, people are just showing up and they're laughing. They're adults. They know they're at a show. You know, these fuckin' assholes. What kind of a fuckin' adult goes to a comedy show

and then goes, you know, I was triggered by that show. You were triggered? Well, toughen the fuck up. Stay home. Alright, go watch Willy Wonka in the fuckin' chocolate factory. Go watch that shit.

Go watch, go fuckin' home and go watch a Muppet movie. Okay? You went outside. You went in public. You sat fuckin' down in a comedy club. It's the job of the comedian to say crazy, outrageous shit and make you laugh.

You know, go get the fuckin' ice cupcakes. Most of those, usually when they have the star, the star of the thing is usually a fuckin' Olympic gold medal winner. Way back in the day. What the fuck was her name? Donna Cameron? Who was that chick who won it in 76?

I remember she called in sick the day we went to go see her. Dorothy Hamill. There's a great old name, huh? Dorothy. Daughty. Daughty, what do you mean you're not fuckin' skating and we have a bunch of mascots out there

looking for a pretty chick and you ain't out there toiling around? The ice cupcakes trigger me because my last relationship, my boyfriend was ice cold to me. Is there any way you could melt the ice and give me my money back?

Anyway, so I'm doing all this fuckin' doing all of this press. It wasn't all like that, there was a lot of fuckin' talking about the current climate. I'll be honest with you, if you're coming to my shows I've been goin' harder than ever

and I've been trashin' feminists because it's fun. And I agree with a lot of the shit you wanna make shit equal, I get it, yeah, it's fine. Does that mean I have to lose my job because I have a fuckin' opinion about something? Huh?

Alright there, bushy. Anyways. So I'm goin' around, right? And all of these fuckin' goddamn buildings you go into, they want like your fuckin' driver's license and shit, like you're goin' into the goddamn Pentagon. So I just show it to them and now

they like take the thing from you and they stick it in this little ass fuckin' computer thing scan it or all this dumb shit and you know they're takin' all your information off of it, so I have an expired license. I have one that's not expired but I kept my expired one and that's the one I give to them. It's fuckin' from way back in the day

when I still had fuckin' hair and I had a different address. I fuckin' go to this building and I hand it to the guy and he goes, your ID's expired. I go, yeah but my face is it. I didn't come here to drive the building. It's a fuckin' ID. You need an ID, there's an ID.

And I'm telling you these guys pretty soon, you need a valid ID to go. It's like you have to know where the fuck I live. That goes back to this fuckin' guy who caught that home run. And now he's said, I'm gonna meet this poor bastard thinking about his own personal safety. I don't understand how these corporations

and all these people are able to snag your personal information. People have stalkers. Look at all the women out there who literally have to have restraining orders from these lunatic guys and these fuckin' corporations. They go in to buy fuckin' chapstick. They double swipe you a lot, whatever the fuck they do

with your goddamn license. They take your fuckin' information and they just put it out there. And you know what's gonna happen is somebody's gonna get fuckin' killed because of it and then these corporations they're not gonna be responsible. I don't know.

I don't know, I'm just basically, I'm just fuckin', I'm shouting into a tornado here. Nobody gives a fuck. And if you dumb fucks are gonna go under that ancestry.com and then all of our fuckin' DNA is gonna be mapped. You know what I mean?

Like, and what good is gonna come of that? They'll catch a couple of serial killers, okay. What else are they gonna do? I'm telling you, I'm doing that whole bit. They're gonna fuckin' build your robot replacement. No one else, what? I don't know. I just don't understand what people have

against privacy now. You know? It's fuckin', you see the look of concern of these guys, these guys with fuckin' poor bastards face. It's poor guy in Houston. He's probably thinking, how the fuck am I gonna get to my goddamn horse

and ride out of fuckin' town without these motherfuckers gettin' a posse together? Comin' after me. Um... Anyways, I don't know when the next game is, but uh, people, can we, can we

try to stop yellin' at each other? Can we fuckin' stop trying to peer into everybody's fuckin' living room? That little Lexus shit. What kind of a fuckin' moron gets that? You're literally bugging your own house. Sorry, I was yellin' at the TV last night

watchin' the game. You're literally buggin' your own house. You're sending your DNA into the fuckin' internet. I don't know, what else are you gonna do? You're gonna fuckin' handcuff your wrist to your ankles? Ha ha ha ha.

Start walkin' backwards down the street and see what happens. I mean, what are you doing? It's just so you can have some fuckin' thing. In your goddamn house, you can be like, uh, you know, Captain and Tenille, what was the captain's- Lexus, what was the captain's real name? Dude, the fuckin' shit

that I say when I'm in my house to try and make my wife laugh, I mean, I don't want anybody hearin' that. I mean, that's- that's our own private fuckin' jokes. Then forget about when I get to a goddamn argument, the shit that I say. And I'd say, why the fuck would you-

somebody's recording that. Who's listenin' to it? There's gotta be somebody on the other side that's Lexus. Alexa, whatever the fuck it is, is literally listening to your life like a reality show. You know, maybe it was like an FBI guy

or fuckin' one of those international fuckin' gumshoe guys and they're listenin', maybe he said a couple of fuckin' uh, you know, you were tryin' to talk about former President Obama and you said Osama instead. And that was a trigger thing, so now they gotta listen in on your life to make sure you're not fuckin'

you know, a terrorist or some shit, right? And then they just- I don't know. They're just listening, they don't hear any terrorist shit, but they just kinda get into your life. Oh, he's- yeah, they were expecting a child. This is ex- oh, this is so exciting. I'm so sick of li-

beating in this van and he just fuckin' listens. You know, do you like on- like, one of those flat screen TVs, you know, the cameras on it, like, they got- they asked them, do you watch people in their houses? Watching TV? And I don't know why they didn't just say no,

they would like, uh, you know, we're not gonna, uh, comment on that or something. I mean, let me fuckin' look that shit up. Here we go, what is it right here? Um, smart TVs watch you, watching you.

Alright, here we go. That would be great for my fuckin' paranoia. Paranoia self-destroyer. Your smart TV is watching you. Watching TV. Consumer report fines. Now, why isn't this a concern to anybody?

You know? Your smart TV is watching you watch TV. Consumer report fines. Alright, millions of smart TVs, sitting in families living room, are vulnerable to hackers taking control. Oh, this is saying hackers. And could be tracking the household's

personal viewing habits much more closely than their owners realize according to a new consumer reports investigation. Alright, so this is talking about hackers. I'm talking about the actual fuckin' companies. Alright, so if hackers like wanted- this is like fuckin', I mean, that's like a- that has to be a crime, right?

I don't know. These fuckin' voyeurs these days are so goddamn lazy. Back in the day, if someone wanted to look at you, they had to walk up to your window. Right? And you saw them coming up your yard with their fuckin' dick out, and you had a time to grab like a steak knife or something. Or maybe your shotgun.

You came out, you brandished a weapon, and the guy, you know, ran away. I mean, not too fast, because you can only run so fast with the fuckin' erection. And that's usually how people got caught. But now they can just stay- just stay at home. Eight o'clock. They start knowing your fuckin' habits.

Hey, these- this couple bangs every Friday night around nine o'clock when they put, you know, kids all go out, the kids are older. Sit down, oh, look at that trying doggy style this week. Oh, they added somethin' else. New ripple to this little fuckin' TV show watchin'. I don't know, the whole thing fuckin' freaks me out.

What is people's fascination with that shit? Why do you want to listen? Why do you want to look at people? What the fuck do you care? Maybe because I'm anti-social, I don't get it. Like, you know what I mean? My wife's social. She says hi to the neighbors and that shit.

I'm just like, hey, how are ya? I go inside. I don't care what you're doing. I don't want to know what you're doing. I don't want to watch your fuck. I don't want to see what you're eating. I don't want to see your arguments. I can barely talk to you in my fuckin' driveway.

The fuck what I want, you know. I'm gonna- I'm gonna fuckin' watch that. I'm gonna learn how to hack into somebody's TV. Or I could put on a Martin Scorsese movie instead. Yeah, man. But Alexis is real, man. I don't know. This whole fucking- this whole podcast,

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There you go. That might be my favorite eagle song. And there's a lot of them. Standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona. Such a fine sight to see. It's an L2 wave fucking ball going into the fucking stands. Hold on, baby. You're out.

Take a seat. I can't believe how many calls Boston teams get now. It's like they're making up for the entire last century. Roughing the passer. Go fuck yourself in your Super Bowl dreams. Then all of a sudden it just turned around. Everything just fucking has been going our way. I don't know what happened.

Fumble by Tom Brady. Brady, wait a minute. The tuck rule. You're going to the Super Bowl. Alex Rodriguez slapping that ball out of Minkovich's hand. We never got those calls. Hey, you're out. You can't fucking do that.

But he's wearing pinstripes. That's over. Fucking goddamn Canadians. Oh, they're losing the game. Fucking too many men in the ice. Gila floor right there, Fred. No Stanley Cup for you, sir. My whole fucking life.

It's unbelievable. I'm just going to enjoy the shit out of it the same way any other fan would if everything was going his way. That's another thing they always ask me on these sports shows. Are you still excited with all these titles? Is it still exciting? I mean, I would be bored. Well, I'm enjoying the shit out of it.

But thank you for your concern. Thank you for asking. I know it's coming from a place of jealousy. I know when things are said, when they're not coming from a place of love, the way Kate Upton was. Kate Upton loves baseball. Who knew?

Is she an actor or is she a model? Is she a model turn actor? Who the fuck is Kate Upton? I know that. I know she's some ridiculously beautiful woman. You know, I'm more than that, Bill. I'm also a baseball fan. Sorry.

All right. Kate Upton. Kate Upton. Jesus Christ. I couldn't draw more. I can't really draw. But if I could draw, I could draw a better looking person than that.

I'd like to be that good looking. You must just like stare at yourself in the mirror. She's got the same birthday as me. Oh my God. Maybe I have a chance. Alexis. Will Kate Upton go out with me? No.

All right. Kate Elizabeth Upton is an American model and actress. Upton was named the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Rookie of the Year. Oh my God. That's it. Fucking over. Can you imagine being that fucking good looking?

If I was that good looking, if I was like Brad Pitt, good looking, I would literally be like Ron Burgundy. I'd be like, hey, everyone, come and see how good I look. I'd always have my eyebrows up a little bit when I look to the side. You know, I would be very generous with my good looks. I would.

I wouldn't be like one of these people rolling their eyes like, oh my God, I get it. Stop staring at me. Can't you just chase me out on a Nama Bata? I wouldn't be like that at all. I'd be walking around with half shirts and shit. Eight pack, everybody. You take it in an anatomy class.

You can see the entire, the whole midsection is put together here. By the way, I've been eating shit out here in the road. My flat stomach is no more. I look like a fucking turd duck. All right. You know what Kate Upton looks like? I look like the exact opposite.

Oh my God. I look like a fucking redheaded Danny DeVito. Oh, fuck. I just, you know, I got here and it's just like, I got one of those New York deli sandwiches and I just, you know, you feel like you have to stock up because I know I'm going back out. Like if I was going to move, ever move back to the East Coast,

like the amount of fucking Mexican food that I would be eating in LA, the amount of taco trucks that I would hit, the amount of Thai food, the amount of burgers, everything that LA does great. I'd go up to San Francisco, I'd get a couple of thousand fucking burritos, shove them down my fat,

fucking throat, you know, and then that would be it. And I would just head back East and I would never get another fucking taco. It's like I'm not doing it. I mean, pizza? I mean, how do you lay off pizza and Italian food when you're back here?

Because I can't do it because I got to go back to no man's land, of shit bread, shit dough, and all of that stuff, so whatever. I'll get back on the diet. I'm going to do that three day water fast, you know, where you just drink water and you don't consult a doctor

and then all of a sudden you go into convulsions and then you come to in the hospital and there's some guy fucking, the stethoscope standing over you going, that was a pretty reckless thing you did. What happened? Well, you let your electrolytes get down to,

she gave a challenge to me about your bile juices and what happened was the lining in your cell walls. You drink too much water. Hey buddy, can you just fucking, am I still alive right now or am I in hell? Because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, okay? I get it. Can I see a mirror but see how much weight I lost?

How long was I in a coma for? Was it like a liquid diet? You couldn't force me to chew, were you? I'm a big Hollywood phony. I don't care if I almost killed myself, I'm just trying to lose weight. I'm trying to keep my Michelin tire fucking. Dude, you know what somebody told me?

I didn't know Michelin stars were the same people who make the tires. For those of you uncultured people, a Michelin star, the coveted Michelin star, if you get three of those, which is such a weird thing because it's usually, you usually have to get like four, five-star hotel, you know,

five-star hotel is the new four, right? But Michelin, it's like three stars, it's got three Michelin stars and that means that the food, evidently, is out of this fucking world. Okay? And I found out that... I thought it was separate.

You know, like there's the Macintosh stereo and then there's the Macintosh computer and they're spelt differently and they have nothing to do with each other? That's what I thought of Michelin Star Wars. I'm like, yeah, I mean, but it's not literally the fucking Michelin tire people, it is. And this person had to look it up

because I refused to believe it and I was just like, but why the fuck are we listening to these people? They make tires, you know? I mean, that's just a weird thing. I see tires and then you're into like also brakes or something else on a fucking car. Steering column, something in the tire area. You know, how the fuck do you go from radial tires

helping me not hydroplane to beef, like where the fuck am I supposed to go? Who the fuck does Michelin think they are? And furthermore, what's wrong with all of these fucking... What do you call them? The goddamn chefs getting all fucking nervous about what a tire company thinks. That would be like a bunch of comedians getting nervous

about making one comedian make them fucking nervous. Alright, I'm speaking to code here. Okay, anyways, ladies and gentlemen, that is the podcast. I got two shows tonight here in Baltimore. If you're in the area, come on down. And then I have two with the Borgata and then I'm flying home immediately to hang out with my lovely wife and my beautiful daughter

and I ain't doing shit until the following weekend and even then I'm only leaving for one day, okay? And then I have Madison Square Garden on Wednesday, November 7th. And then I have three days at the unbelievably beautiful Chicago Theater. And then you know something? Old Freckles' fucking year on the road is over.

Except for one charity gig I have to do. Other than that, I'm done, alright? And I am going to get myself... I'm going to lose these fucking ten pounds that I think I put on in the last three days. Oh, I had a good time. I had a good time doing it though. You know, there's a few places that I go back to

and it's like I just go back to where the fuck I was. Like whenever I go back to Boston, it's just over. I go to all the places that I went to when I could eat McDonald's at four in the morning and still wake up and have no damage done, really. And when I go to New York, it's just like I'm not going to get a bacon egg and cheese sandwich on a fucking roll.

Every goddamn... How do I lay off that? Well, Bill, you have willpower. I know. Fucking... I'm streaky. That's how I am. Alright, anyways.

Go Red Sox, go Patriots, go Bruins, go Celtics. This is this great time of year where they're all playing at the same time. Astro fans, be nice to that guy, alright? He did what we all would have done. I would have done the same fucking thing. Actually, me, I would have got out of the way because I wouldn't have got hit with a fucking ball.

But don't be a bunch of cunts, alright? If you take anything from this podcast, how cool is it to cater up and like fucking baseball at that level? You know? It's about time one of these swimsuit models in sports illustrated actually watched sports. Well, great, Bill.

I'm sure she's fucking thrilled that she has your approval. Alright, please enjoy the music on the podcast here. And that's it. And then we'll play another half hour of greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday with the Monday somewhere in there from earlier this year or maybe five minutes ago. Alright, see ya.

Alright, long distance hiking. Now last week I mentioned that I went on a hike and we just kept going and going like assholes not realizing that we had to walk back. Hiking is not like a treadmill. You don't just get to step off and be like, oh, I'm still, despite the fact I walked for an hour, I am still only, you know, ten paces from the parking lot in my car.

We ended up going on like an 11 mile hike and it was exhausting to say the least. So this person is riding about long distance hiking. Another great old man thing to do. You know, hockey, ice hockey and hiking. You know. Alright, hey Bill, I've been listening to your podcast long enough to know that you love hiking,

you hate getting fat, and you get easily annoyed by day to day bullshit. I really think you'd enjoy backpacking. Oh, Jesus. Backpacking? I know it's awesome, but can you call it something else? Backpacking. I just feel like I'm fucking waiting for a bus picking my nose

by the way to get this shit kicked out of me. Hey, you guys want to go backpacking? It's a pack you put on your back. You go backpacking. Or long distance hiking. Okay, let's call it that. It's a really, I don't know, long distance hiking freaks me out

because I feel at that point you've walked long enough to run into something that can maul you to death, slash rip your face off, or at the very least just sort of bite your throat until it stops feeling the pulse. You know, start getting into that next weight class of animals. I don't know, you know, mountain lions,

black bear, grizzly bear, fucking Anaconda, whatever exotic pet that somebody let loose that has no natural enemy that is now taking over the forest. Long distance, or long distance hiking. It's really freeing to walk away from civilization for a week or more with a solid pair of boots

and everything you need strapped to your back. Dude, fuck that. You're more man or woman than I am. I can't fucking deal with that. I get scared. I get freaked the fuck out. I'd have to be out there with somebody who knew what they were doing,

who had a gun. Automatic too. It's semi-automatic. I need something that I can spray in the general direction of the sound I just heard. And you know, if we kill a couple of backpackers, there's no one else around. Burying them is optional.

I would say leave them above ground because they'll get picked away a lot quicker and people will find their clothes. I guess the bones would be there. That's creepy. See what happens when you go out in the wilderness? You start fucking talking about shit like that. I live in a suburb.

There's plenty of people to shoot and I never think of doing it. They're right out there. Right fucking out there and I never think of shooting them. All of a sudden you get me backpacking or long distance hiking and I'm trying to think out of buried bodies. Every time I finish a long hike,

I come back looking healthier and leaner and feeling refreshed. Yeah, because you're out there eating berries, wiping your ass with fucking pine cones. That's why you have that peculiar look on your face. No matter how much you eat on the trail, you're guaranteed to lose weight

if you spend six hours a day hiking with a 35 pound backpack. There's no need to limit yourself to salads and juice. I can't tell you how many times I've had older day hikers look at my backpack and tell me they wish they had done more backpacking

when they were able to. It's a really unique experience out there on your own. Yeah, I bet it is. Can you please write back and tell me what you do about animals, man? Because I'm telling you right now I'm not doing this.

You know, the only way I would do this is if I was in a fucking platoon and we all had machine guns just in case I missed. Anyways, oh here he goes, he's going to calm me down and it isn't nearly as dangerous or as difficult as people make it out to be.

If you stay on the trail, you'll usually run across another hiker every few hours. Oh, that's comforting. That's comforting. Every couple hours I can run into Johnny Appleseed but during the other hour and 50 minutes I'm on my own. Alright.

You'll usually run into another hiker every few hours that can help you if you get hurt and bears, mountain lions and all those other beasts kill a lot fewer people than traffic accidents do. Well, I used to do a bit on that.

Well, obviously, because the fucking you know, you're running into one person every two hours, sir. Let's do the math here, okay? Here's the deal. There's like seven million people in Los Angeles.

Okay? You can't fucking go anywhere without running into like a thousand fucking people out here. You're somewhere where you walk every two hours and run into one human being so obviously. I can guarantee you if those lions and mountain lions were down here

the death rate would be through the fucking roof. Alright, this is what he says to you. He goes, just keep your food away from your tent and you'll be fine. Do you understand, sir, that you're telling me to do something where I'm too near my food supply

I could possibly get eaten to death. You want me to leave my living room? You know, why can't I just sit on my back porch? Listen, I would love I would love

to go hiking like that. I really would, but I cannot get past no, and I don't think you should be able to get past it. That there's that type of shit is out there. Alright, and if you get mauled to death as a stand up

comedian you really would just look into trouble, weren't you? That's you know, somebody just asked me to do a cruise to do stand up on a cruise and I told them I wasn't going to do it and they said why not

and I said because I'm terrified of the ocean okay? That's why I don't, I respect it. The ocean is not the ocean it is the ocean, but it's it's literally you're talking about

it's outer space on earth that's what it is okay, you can't breathe in it you're not you can't be in it if you're in it too long you're either going to get hypothermia

or something's going to come up and take a bite out of you to see if you're edible or you're going to drown those are your three fucking options and I know what you're thinking dude, cruise is a safe man you're out there on this big fucking boat yeah, until you're not

until you're not and then you proceed to die one of the slowest most terrifying fucking deaths that there is treading water in the middle of fucking nowhere

and somebody's going to die no matter how fast they can fucking get you out there somebody is going to die and people follow, I fucking did one cruise in my life and I couldn't get past the fact that I was on something that the second it fucking shits the bed

and I know you guys think that you go I've been on cruises and go fuck yourself, I talked to the band that was on this cruise ship for fucking years and they told me stories over a little fucking plate of jello

late at night, those awful cruise desserts some poor excuse for fucking also I don't like fucking going out there and all of a sudden it's maritime laws douche bag who didn't even run for office is now telling me what the whatever he says goes

with his stupid ass fucking outfit go fuck yourself they told me stories okay they told me enough fucking stories about food poisoning about shit backing up

about one engine not working and now they're going half speed and then they don't make it to all the cities and then they make up shit about hurricanes and then they have fucking trust me people having medical issues and having to be fucking helicoptered off and flown as quickly

as humanly possible not to the best hospital to the nearest one alright and you're going on a cruise they go all over the fucking world and they go buy a bunch of fucking countries that you wouldn't want to fucking get if I have a goddamn hang nail in

but all of a sudden they're the closest one and that's where the fuck you're going Dr. Harry hack it off fuck that fuck that alright fucking combined stand-up comedy in water world

I'm not doing it so that's the thing about I would absolutely love to go backpacking I would love to do that I would love to go up fucking mountains I would love to do that it's way better than going to the gym I understand 100% what you're talking about

but dude that shit where you run into a bear mama bear and it just turns around and just runs at you 35 40 miles an hour you basically

you're sitting there hearing this this beast like trees getting out of the fucking way it's this thing it's just coming flying down the fucking hill at you and you're running

knowing you're going to get caught and you're hearing your stupid pots and pans clink clanking together and all you're trying to do is just get out in front of your friend so he's the one that goes down and so you can live going for the rest of your life

what your strategy did killed your friends hearing his cries whatever the what is the sound of having your face ripped off I like to lose weight like the next guy

Jesus go out there with your fucking bear mace fuck all of that bears mountain lions what about if you just and then all the fucking varmints out there

I love that word because you sent me Sam's the only person I ever heard use it and when I found out it was actually a credible word not something made up I absolutely love that word varmints badgers, wolverines bobcats

people look at bobcats like they're no big deal have they gotten scratched by a fucking house cat how bad that thing can fuck you up with its little ass fucking paws you want a goddamn lynx jumping on you going to fucking town because it's bored or you freaked it out

or you came too near something that it peed on and you have no fucking idea that's another thing dude you're in their world this guy actually respected the fact that I said I'm not doing it but I think he thought it was pretty peculiar

that I wouldn't do stand up on a cruise I just jumped subject sorry and I was waiting for him to ask me why and I would just be like well would you do a podcast you know on a boat in a lake that's full of fucking alligators

I mean you can, okay we're on the boat everything's fucking fine but it really is just an unnecessary risk it goes all the way back to that fucking Saints fan he got off easy that same fucking guy put that guy with his jersey with his video camera

walking up to a mama bear screaming who day who day and all that type of shit he's worried about getting spit in his face he would have bear saliva all around his fucking neck ah Jesus Christ I've actually thought about that like what do I do if a bear was running right at me I just wish that I would have

the wherewithal to run right at it like you know if a shark was coming at me swim right at it and as quickly as you can shove your fucking head in there and get it over with that is the only fucking strategy

what are you gonna climb a tree things gonna go right up that tree do you ever see that youtube video of those guys sitting in the tree hunting that bear and all of a sudden the bear just literally runs up the tree next to him and is like

like I don't know seven feet above him on the tree next to him leaning out sniffing at them trying to figure out what the fuck they are and I love how the bears just instinctively instinctively know it's just like

with that bear eight feet above you that's like when you're in the upper deck of a stadium you know and you shit faced and you get into it with somebody two rows behind you they automatically have the advantage because they are punching down right

you're gonna lose that fight you're gonna fall on your back you're probably gonna break your ankle something's gonna get twisted imagine it was a bear that was the situation these people are in you gotta check out that video this fucking bear

it was on the ground and they're whispering and they're little fatigues looking at this thing and then this thing I don't know how it found him you just heard and that was it over this thing was all of a sudden not on the floor of the forest 20 feet down it was now eight feet above them

sniffing at them like ooh is that a food source Jesus dude you really just hit on two people today hit on two tremendous fears I have being alone in the fucking wilderness and being out to sea fuck both of those although I want to hear the stories

if you do it not if you went on a cruise I don't give a shit going out there eating jello with your date rape drug fucking weirdo to go see the reunion of Wham Cindy Lauber cruise whatever the fuck you do

I love you I want you at the moment I feel blue I'm living every moment girl for you hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday

October 18th 2010 how the fuck are you I'm actually doing this shit Sunday night and I posted it nice and early look at that that's a gift for you all you cunts out there bitchin about how dude actually

you should call it the fucking Monday afternoon podcast I guess maybe you have a point but you know what about me what about my world what about the fact that I record them Monday morning so it's still the Monday morning podcast

alright it's fucking free I think I don't have the right to name the goddamn thing speaking of which if you'd like to make a donation to the Monday morning podcast and actually get a little trinket for yourself go to themmpodcast.com

and get the the oh jesus ringtone for your phone sales have picked up last week after I kind of broke your guys balls about saving up for fucking happy meals you can't even kick me fucking 99 goddamn cents

I'm closing in this is just like PBS I'm closing in on the number that I need to go buy that fucking thing so I can start walking around doing these three things maybe go to a mall and just you can listen to me shit on people for a fucking 45 minutes

it's actually you know something it's something I really want to do because uh yeah I don't know I like to think I have love in my heart but I I don't think so but anyways it was a it was a big week I'm just looking at who I wrote for douchebag

of the week and I spelt her name wrong um anyways let's talk about the the week coming up and I've actually been talking about this shit on stage and uh I don't give a fuck because it's such a topical bit I don't even know if people are going to think it's funny

in a month but can we please talk about fucking Bill O'Reilly going on the view um I gotta I gotta tell you something right now I don't like that guy's politics I don't like his face

he has he has that racist face you know his when he gets mad his fucking his face gets pointy he just looks evil he's just not a pleasant human being whatsoever but I gotta

tell you he fucking destroyed on the view you know and I somewhere in there was a victory for men because he took on four fucking women they were all yelling

and he got two of them to walk off their own fucking show how do you do that as a comedian I was embarrassed that two stand-up comedic comics just quit which is why I'm nominating Joy Behar and whoopee Goldberg is douchebags

what did you think was gonna do you think he was gonna go no wait don't leave that's exactly what the fuck he wanted you to do I was actually hoping at that point that the other two women were gonna leave and then he could just

start hosting the O'Reilly factor on the view that would have been he just totally 100% dominated at the very least that segment because I don't watch that fucking show but he just came on

first of all he sits down he's got on that shiny fucking Joe Pesci suit it's difficult to say Joe Pesci suit and he's got his fucking leg spread like with his ball bag his shiny ball bag

if you ever see like when Kennedy debated Nixon how if you listen to it on the radio how everybody said Nixon won Nixon was all tanned up he had his legs crossed he looked like a winner and Nixon sat there with his fucking legs

splayed and crossed like underneath the chair he looked like a fucking moron that's what Bill O'Reilly looked like and he still dominated I loved when he turned to joy and was just whatever I'm paraphrasing here but he was just like be quiet and learn

and she had nothing a fucking stand-up comic she had nothing the whole segment was fucking hilarious and when he goes another gem of a moment was when he goes you know a lot of people don't realize this but 70% of Americans

don't want a mosque at ground zero and joy goes she goes well I'd like to see that pole or something like and as she's saying that the crowd is applauding what Bill O'Reilly just said

so you really don't need to see the pole at that point and getting beyond that what he really should have said was 70% of Americans don't realize that they're not building a mosque at ground zero still that they're actually making a wreck room

with a ping-pong table and an area to pray kind of like they have an area to pray at every fucking airport you know it's up the street at a goddamn coat factory is where it's actually being built but the fact that he said

that they're still building a mosque and that he got an applause break joy is so wrapped up into her own fucking opinion that she doesn't even hear her own studio audience back up the guy that she's trying to shit on and the fact that this fucking guy is still putting out inaccurate information

that people are still backing up it just was fucking awesome on all of those levels and I like how Barbara Walters was old school cool and she didn't walk off she gave those two douchebags of the week shit for walking off their own show

and then she got him with a nice little classy zinger he said Bill O'Reilly's on here this week when we come back we're gonna talk or he's on the show today when we come back he's gonna talk about his new book called Pinheads and Patriots

and she goes at this point I'm not sure which you are or something like that it was a great little zinger but she wasn't like judging the guy I don't know the whole thing was funny and just how Bill O'Reilly is viewed

as this intolerant person and then he comes on the show I guess mostly liberals and then they show absolutely no tolerance for him and then throw a fucking tamper tantrum and walk off their own goddamn show I mean you can't tell me everybody

over at Fox News wasn't literally jerking off to that moment Bill O'Reilly almost became a fucking rock star in that moment that was like a stand up comic moment that he did to two comedians which blew my mind

you know and I know I'm always trashing the broads on this show but that really was a chick way like I'm just gonna get up in storma you're so used to people paying for your drinks and holding the goddamn door for you

you actually thought that as an adult that you were just gonna walk off the show and this was gonna be this big moment and he was gonna be like oh wait a minute let me stop ugh I loved it

he was like go ahead and leave I don't give a fuck I'll take over your fucking show so anyways there you go douchebags of the week Joe Bayhar and Whoopi Goldberg for walking off your own fucking show with a shiny suit

fucking I can't say he's a moron because he does know I mean look he's very read up on that I don't know I'm too stupid

this is right here why I would never engage as much as I disagree with his opinions I don't fucking pay attention to politics at all I don't I find it frustrating I find it to be just a rigged fucking guy

I don't give a fuck so I would never try to as much as I disagree with Bill O'Reilly I would never go on his show and try to fucking one up the guy and think I'm gonna be the guy in an argument about politics it's like he's paying attention

to these politicians the way I give a fuck about football I'm not gonna win that argument I mean why don't I bring fucking Roy Jones Jr. over and start debating him about boxing I don't know it's just it was

it was fucking hilarious the whole thing was just it was hilarious and fucking victory for that fucking I don't know I don't know I was as a stand up comic you fucking

you just tap out that was embarrassing anyways let's get on with the goddamn podcast for this week I kind of like that do you guys like that format just getting the douchebag of the week out of the way right off the fucking bat I know a lot of people in Denver

are probably saying that referee you called that fucking pass interference on the jets I mean on the Broncos put them right down there on the goal line did the jets give that guy a game ball or what that was fucking hilarious because everybody in New York wanted

to kill that ref I can't say it was just him but I mean he fucked up two pass interference calls where the Broncos were mugging the jets receivers and what a fucking time for a make up call huh here you go Mark you fucking

he looks like that dude from entourage doesn't he look I'm gonna extend a fucking olive branch here to the goddamn jet fans I hate to fucking say it but you guys got a good team I'm convinced now alright and right now you're probably rolling your eyes and I want you to shut your green fucking fucking faces for a second

alright this is what I wait till mid-october before I start doing we're gonna win your fucking Super Bowl that dumb shit that people do in August those people who paint their faces and have horns on their hats and that dumb shit and you don't wear a shirt

to the game in November to show people how crazy you are because you don't know how to talk to fucking women um this is what's scaring me about the jets as a New York jet hater is not only are they a solid team

they got luck on their side and you fucking need that alright the tuck ruled pulled that one out of the goddamn fucking mothballs wherever that one came from you need some luck and the jets got real lucky

when the refs finally decided to call a passenger and that's the type of shit that happens when you win a championship I'm just letting you know jet fans because I know you don't know what that looks like as a jet fan unless you're in your fucking 70s at this point

but I do want to say this I was one of the country jet fans and I was going back and forth with like 20 of them this week so I'm sorry if I didn't get back to you um all of you shitting on the fucking patriots for getting rid of Randy Moss

I gotta admit our offense kind of looked the exact same you know kind of looked the exact same and look at the on branch caught a touchdown fucking pass and we beat the ravens so we're 4 and 1 I don't know what the fuck that means our defense looked a little bit better I don't know this has been the weirdest year

in history for NFL football where there's just nobody dominating there's just no front runner team you know and don't sleep on the fucking Kansas City Patriots out there huh Jesus Christ

they got our old offensive coordinator defensive coordinator, our old quarterbacks coach and they pulled that fucking play out where you fucking throw the ball to Mike Rable for a touchdown um yeah but there's

nobody out there uh Steelers came back, Big Ben they got him back I stayed away from that game I didn't bet it I was like the fucking Steelers 13 points they're gonna cover that but there was something I got my stupid theory about division rivalry games this is something that's embarrassing

I'm actually doing this Sunday night so I don't even know if the Colts won I picked the Colts but I had uh the Colts given three but these were the bets I had this week and you can follow this all along on the mmpodcast.com me and Paul Verzi have a season long bet we basically

we were picking three games a week but now we're kind of addicted to it so now we're kind of up to four we're gonna pick four each and at the end of the against the spread the end of the year whoever has the the best record wins the pot and uh I went four and one last week I thought I knew some shit

and this week I got my ass handed to me the only game I won I think is the Jets game I took the Jets given three I just didn't believe in Denver's fucking quarterback and uh but I had I had Oakland given six

going to San Francisco I just San Francisco keeps shooting themselves in the foot Oakland's been paying kind of competitive ah fuck it I'll take that one lost my ass on that one and I went against my gut that has been telling me that Tony Romo is missing half of

fucking chromosome and he despite the fact that he throws for 350 yards and the final minutes of the fucking game he just doesn't get it done I went against that because I saw what's his face Brett Favre grab his goddamn elbow last week during the Monday night game

so I'm like he's an old fuck I don't give a shit how many horse tranquilizers they give him ah they're not gonna win so I lost that fucking game too and I gotta admit I I have one money on the Jets two fucking weeks in a row two weeks in a row two fucking weeks in a row

so there you go so if you want to follow along and watch our ah watch our NFL picks and that type of stuff I'm actually trying to talk less about the NFL just because I've really that's all that I've been talking about I feel for like the last two three weeks so um and speaking of which

I actually ran to Nick Swartz and he asked me next time he could come on here because he wants to scream about fucking NFL football and if you guys think that I am a psycho when it comes to that shit this guy ah he really like I was sitting I was telling him that Bill's

you know Bill's Jets game or somebody like I was taking a piss and somebody almost pushed me to the wall because I was running my mouth so much and I was telling him how I was thinking back afterwards of how I don't want to end up with my teeth on the floor of a fucking half ass NFL stadium

and he was like no no you did the right thing you did the right thing you should talk more shit so I got to get them on there because I think it'll be on this podcast do another one of those special ones just because I think it'll be interesting to hear me trying to be a recovered angry fan

and and him saying no you got to steer into it um anyways let's get with questions this week ah somebody wrote me here and he said ah Bill you just got the DVD let it go in the mail and it was fucking awesome

and ah before I even get going I want to thank this guy for actually buying the DVD um and I also want to thank all you guys who went out and bought it it was actually number one last week the number one comedy download as far as stand up comedy goes on iTunes

so I want to thank all you guys it was fucking huge for me to hear that so ah and then as far as comedy goes it was only behind the soundtrack to get them to the Greek I don't know where the fuck it is now this point might be behind some fucking nipsey russell compilation

but for one day I was number one so please keep buying it and everybody saying the same shit who has bought it they're like wow it's even funnier than what I saw in comedy central and they took out some fucking strong bits which I really feel that is accurate

because they took out 16 minutes of the special so if you think you saw it you still haven't seen it it's only fucking ten bucks ten dollars in change um so please check it out just so I can sell enough fucking units of this place these people I did

business with will actually get in business with me again and want me to do another fucking special that's how it works see if they don't make any fucking money next thing you know I will be on American Idol sitting next to Steven Tyler and I'll be fucking I don't know

actually I guess I would be on last comic standing wouldn't I have I said anything funny for 20 minutes let's go let's let's plow through this anyways I just recently started listening to the podcast and whatever any fucking ways I like how conversational this guy writes it

listen to the podcast and shit in any fucking ways I like how you talk about pirating music slash comedy and how it sucks ass I'm an independent musician and if I don't sell my singles for 90 cents a fucking song my music career dies it doesn't matter that my youtube

videos of songs have hundreds of thousands of hits or whatever actual sales mean everything I hear you I hear you because they will not get back in business with you anyways he goes I have a question about alcohol I don't drink that much but when I do

I drink excessively like twice a week usually I black out nothing bad ever happens I just like drinking Jesus this sounds familiar he goes on to say should I cut back I usually clean my

I usually clean my apartment when I black out that doesn't seem bad however most people think I have a problem for getting that drunk on the weekends would appreciate your feedback again let it go was great worth the 10 fucking dollars well thank you once again for buying it

yeah dude alright I gotta tell you I've blacked out from drinking who hasn't and I gotta admit I've always been fascinated oh the lovely Nia's coming in I've always been fascinated it's freezing

come on the podcast for a second we'll turn the heat on oh Jesus you know what she just picked up I don't know where you got that she bought this fucking it looks like a woolly mammoth pelt you're really into furs

pick up the microphone and talk into it this week rather than me interviewing first of all this is not real fur okay this is faux I got this downtown means fake in French oh okay Jesus look at you coming here all hoity hoity

it's fucking gross no it isn't yeah that looks like that used to be in the back of a van in the 70's and I bet if you put a fucking ultra violet light over it Greg Brady's jizz is on that from when he banged Florence Henderson

alright I said it it's disgusting I don't like it you've made that point several times but to you but not to the listeners I think they need to know I think they've gotten it you said it 20 times no listen I'll be the judge of that it's fucking

it's disgusting you pull it up hey be quiet and learn something oh my god are you doing the Bill Riley yeah I'm trying to see if that works on all females because Joy just shut up you know it's fucked up I actually douche bags of the week

I actually said Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg for walking off their own goddamn show quitting and stand up comedians are you going to throw Bill Riley in there too or just the two of them no I said that I don't agree with his politics but he fucking was he was the man it was their show they shouldn't have walked out it's true

it's like you're in my house you walk off you know what I mean yeah it'll be like someone you had a house party and some guy came in like breaking shit was being a dick and then to make him leave you leave your own fucking house I can't deal with this anymore

and you're waiting for him to say no so let's get back to this thing can you please stop buying shit like that alright you know what else she got I'm just really going to trash everything you got she found this cheetah print

I didn't find it I paid for it at a yard sale you're like fucking peg Bundy what do you mean you're furniture blanket style because it's animal related no it's leopard she found this leopard print

sort of table sort of something it's clearly the print on is basically saying you know fuck your whorey girlfriend on this that's what that says and she went out and she got it and I'm like he hates that yeah and I said if you hadn't guessed

no and I told you to get the thing fumigated and you never did fumigated Bill whatever the fuck you do it professionally cleaned listen I'm trying to help you out if you're going to buy something used when it comes to it's going to be up against your body

or whatever the fuck let me finish my stupid point okay be quiet and learn if you keep doing that I'm going to kick you in the balls no listen to me if you're going to do shit like that like stay away

from leopard prints I like it because that's my taste it's not your taste and that's fine okay but we bought it off of some freaking yuppies no we didn't you did you did

and don't fucking mention towns and areas what's wrong with you why don't you just give the goddamn air they live across the street they don't live across the street I was trying to throw them off my one stalker I was going to say what are you paranoid about

okay thank you for stopping by the podcast I am dismissing you because you're divulging too much information you're cold you're wrapped up in that woolly mammoth blanket you're really annoying me just get out of here

I'm serious I'm dead serious go out to the kitchen and fucking cook something up whip something up there toots yeah you don't even believe it did did you turn the fucking heat on because I smell that burning smell what's wrong with our life

I should really take a picture what's wrong with our life I'll tell you because I keep going to people's parties and they're living better than we are this whole debt free life that we're living the level of freedom that we have hey man let's go see a movie and we don't have to

we don't have to work that day that we can take trips that I can come with you we both had a white trash upbringing in my house macaroni and cheese was a main dish and you had it with toast we used to eat chip beef on toast

you didn't have macaroni and cheese in toast for dinner your mom cooks like big beautiful meals no but every once in a while we would have that as a dinner and I loved it we'd have chip beef on toast what beef chip beef on toast

it was chips of beef chips of beef just imagine if you could freeze a cow you skinned it and then you froze it and then you walked up to it with a hammer and chisel and you chipped off some beef and it came in this

this mushroomy sort of oh my god what the fuck was that it oh my god I'm trying to remember the name of that move it's beef but it came in a sauce is what you're saying I'm really having a flashback to my childhood

we had this other meal that always involved bread because it filled you up and we had like two pieces of bread it was like this mushroomy sort of looking shit that had these little red things in there what that was fucking gross

that sounds gross isn't it cube steaks you'd be chewing it you'd be chewing it like three hours later trying to get that tendon down no I lived we always had food we had our ups and downs

my child was like the economy there was booms there was busts but unlike this country at some point we had a level ground we leveled off around my high school years but it was a good time

but what I'm saying is what are you saying we're living like we're still eating cube steak yes we are doing that but my point was though you even said so why don't we have a new fucking table that doesn't have giz stains on it

it doesn't have giz stains on it stupid trying to have style you're ridiculous you always think that it has a leopard print leopard print equals cum it equals cum does everyone on your podcast know

that you have 30 seconds to wrap this up or vintage things in the balls I will kick you what are you Yoda in the balls I will kick you sorry

hacky impression I've never even seen that movie I've just seen enough hack comedy about it it's so forgettable those are the most overrated pieces shit you're gonna fear the wrath of the Star Wars let me tell you something

I go back and watch Sesame Street it's still funny timelessly timelessly funny if you get the ones when Jim Henson did it yes that time you ever seen that one where that guy comes in

they're trying to teach you about instruments and he comes into the music store and he goes what can I help you with and he goes I'd like to buy and he sounds like a trumpet and he goes

right so you're thinking in your head you're like oh that's a fucking trumpet and the dude comes back with like a snare drum and he goes no I didn't ask for and then he could make

and then they would just have somebody play the drums teach you about but the guy running the story was hilarious at one point he goes oh you're one of those like he kind of gave him a little dig there was something in there for adults

and it's still funny but you go back and you watch Star Wars unless you're just like reliving a childhood which I understand because I watch NFL highlights and look at football cards

I do get that but I wasn't a sci-fi kid but I go back and I watch those and they suck the acting sucks but didn't that the fact that they were doing this movie

about you know space and the effects at the time didn't that shit like blow people away I thought that was the thing for its time people were like oh my god absolutely absolutely but it doesn't hold up

it doesn't hold up like it looks kind of cheesy and like beam movie no like it sucks just really getting it what were we talking about what no I wanted to say I have to get back to the podcast

alright oh I thought this was a part of the podcast if you don't stop talking I'm gonna walk off my own podcast that'll show me in protest no I was saying to your their listeners out here

do they know your opinion of you know vintage or old items like at Goodwill or yard sale it's fucking gross that you feel like people either died in it or came on it this is seriously what bill things

when it comes to like vintage goodwill, yard sale the thing is we donate stuff to goodwill all the time have we done any of those things on any of those things that we've made no we haven't I can't believe you're saying that

no we haven't I'm gonna tell you right now there's not a t-shirt that I own I don't give a fuck how many times you've washed it you need to stop well you need to stop asking the questions

well I never did anything gross and like the clothes that I donate to Goodwill or whatever it can be a break all right listen to you if you're not gonna be honest on the podcast I'm being completely honest

look first of all you go down there and then all that goddamn estate jewelry with those brooches that's somebody's dead grandmother's stuff so what that's fucking creepy so what do you what do you propose people do

throw it in the trash no I don't know I'm not people can do whatever they want I'm just I just don't want you wearing some fucking Jack Klugman's old trench coat all fucking itchy

and it's just gross it's fucking gross we have the money to buy new clothes go buy them I like certain vintage clothes a lot of people do it's a style thing all right

all right you need to not be such a snob about it no I don't that's it I'm not a snob you are a snob and you talk about us not stepping it up

but you're snobby about stuff anyway stepping it up is having a nice shit in here not grabbing a leopard fucking come table off goddamn sidewalk if you don't stop

it's nice all right I like it it brings me happiness and just because you don't like it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to be happy all right

you know what you're warming up you're warming up you won all right well thank you for stopping by the podcast no I have to give I have to give

because I already I talked to Greg Fitzsimmons on this special one so I've already had guests I try to do the guest thing every once in a while and your little pouty face

is not going to influence me either way fine do me a favor go out and go give me some ice cream or something can you

what's that what's that shit that the Italians make there that awesome stuff gelato I'm not going to get you gelato why because you kicked me out

and you're cold what if I ask really nice gelato what if I ask really nice you insulted my taste and what if I ask nicely what if I ask nicely

it's too late you're not even asking nicely now you're saying with this edge in your voice you haven't given me a chance I'm leaving Nia it's been real

listen you look so beautiful right now and I was wondering there you go see that's how you get ready you girl all you do is ask her to do you a favor

and they storm out of the room so there's another one for you all right let's get the underrated overrated this week how far into this fucking 31 fucking goddamn minutes actually speaking of

reliving your childhood I actually every once in a while go through like I'm really big on the NFL in the 1970s and I own complete sets of football cards

basically from the late 70s to the early 80s which was basically when I was of the age when I should have been collecting football cards all the way to the age where I was almost getting

a driver's license and it was getting a little weird and my parents were worried that either I was a gonna live at home for the rest of my life or bring a gun to school one of the other

let me get rid of this close this window here let's get to underrated overrated for the week here overrated underrated overrated this person and this is for any new listeners out there

of my podcast which I doubt I'm gonna have for a while because evidently iTunes is done with me and I know there's a lot of people if you already subscribed this was a confusion

last week with Brad is if you already subscribed to my podcast on iTunes for some fucking reason you can still get the podcast each week but if you're a new listener

and you search for the podcast it's not there anymore if anybody knows any computer-savvy people out there knows a way that I can guide new listeners

to find where my podcast is on iTunes I would really appreciate it I don't know if it's because you clicked on my website this is all shit my web guy handles

so I have no fucking idea please help me up won't you please alright overrated underrated for the week overrated lady gaga this guy says

or this woman I have no idea why is it she can dress like a slim gym mascot and sing about being a cock tease and everyone thinks she's brilliant that they listen to her lyrics and stop telling me

she's beautiful on TV and in magazines I'm sick of being told what to find attractive I don't know where they get their standard but this bitch is ugly granted she has a nice ass

from what I can tell by the Rolling Stone cover but I bet it's not even her real one while I'm at it Britney Spears is ugly too where does the media get its taste in women from come on man

back in the day Britney wasn't hot you know before she went crazy and shaved her head and robbed that 7-Eleven or whatever the fuck she did you know something

they might actually fix her up a little bit because I thought that remember that video what she did was she just wore the all red latex outfit she looked like

a fucking midget I don't know what it was about that was she not wearing high heels she looked like like how she would look like the morning after after you fucked her and you got to see

what she really looked like you know you know my theory about the whole you know women with high heels shoes and you think oh my god look at this girl she looks like a supermodel and then you get them home

you get them out of the shoes and after you're done doing what you're doing they get up to go get some water or go to the bathroom and you just see this midget and a thong waddling across the fucking floor

that's what she looked like in that video oh Jesus this is why I don't do fuck this you know something for all you cunts who give me shit about how the podcast

is late every week this is why I don't do it Sunday night because I'm burned out from watching fucking sports or I'm flooring an airplane and it's never funny this is the only part

of the podcast that ends up being funny is me talking about how fucking unfunny it is alright let's plow ahead did I tell you guys it was raining out here today and how every douchebag

out here the second it starts raining in LA they start driving like there's six inches of snow on the ground evidently it's because it never rains out here that all the oil

transmission fluid and all that just sits there and marinates on the street and I guess when it rains it makes it extra slippery more slippery than it would be in an area where it actually rains but these fucking

it's still not that fucking slippery continuing on these are just ideas these aren't even jokes I'm just presenting premises that maybe one day I'll be able to make funny Jesus Christ

underrated pitbulls it fucking burns me up to see all the bad press pitbulls get because some horrible luck abused one into a killing machine yet again they're not like that I have one

and he's a fucking marshmallow you know how since you should know since you have one too they're great dogs I like most dog breeds except for the one the tiny ones

but pitbulls especially make great dogs they're the chosen breed of evil fucks I admit but on their own they're nothing dangerous they're not like that

they're not like that but on their own they're nothing dangerous it's funny to see people act worry around my dog sometimes but it's also kind of sad yeah I would go with that but also

I think that you should get some sort of training before you get either a pitbull a german shepherd a doberman pincher and even like a labrador retriever any of those fucking dogs because I don't know they kinda

I've learned through taking my dog to one of these dog whisperer people they really feed off your vibes and as you notice I'm sort of an angry amped up guy

so you know I'm not gonna get into the fucking details but I've had to definitely adjust my behavior my dog's fine now but it got a little shady there for a second

overrated the disney channel as far as I can tell on passing by this channel sometimes it's it's a fuck see now I'm yawning on the podcast

so all you cunts who give me shit every week to do it fucking Sunday night as far as I can tell on passing by this channel it's a preteen porn ring they take these 12 to 14 year old girls and dress them slutty and cover them in makeup

and then tell them to act twice their age Jesus what is with these shows where the kids are fucking 14 and they have problems I didn't have till I was in my 20s I was a moron when I was 14 and so was everyone else

I didn't do shit with my life then and neither did anyone it's disgusting and it's a farce what they do to these girls you're making my dick confused thinking I'm looking at a grown woman

when I'm not thank you lead me into lead me not into temptation disney channel and you wonder why there are so many pedophiles I don't think disney is the reason why there's so many pedophiles but I do agree

they're subtly making programming for them I don't even know if that's fucking true I shouldn't even say that shit but I will say like Calvin Klein if I was to guess is 100% pro pedophile and

I think that he had a meeting at some point and was like you know what there's an entire segment of the human population that is not getting their needs taken care of when it comes to advertising

and that is the fucking pedophiles so with that let's come up with an ad campaign underrated legendary comedians bill as a comedian yourself I'm sure you have nothing but respect for legends like carlin prior or lenny bruce but carlin gets dismissed so often

in favor of the hacks they have out there today for the most part the only thing most people know about him is that he he's the seven dirty words guy really that's how we honor a 50 year career of a comedy legend

with an obscure bit he did in the 70s I know there was a supreme court case over it and what not but it just bothers me to see how many kids today know all about hack comics like I'm not naming names and they've never heard of carlin prior

bruce hicks or their work it's nice that there are comedians out there okay now he's complimenting me so I can't read that shit alright yeah I mean it is what it is it's one of those deals where you know

I think I knew who carlin was when I was a kid because he was at the height of his career when I was coming up in the 70s and the 80s but I had no idea who lenny bruce was until I got into stand up comedy that's just I think that's just part of being young it is annoying

I actually talked to one of my cousins the other day who's in her early 20s and I mentioned the kids in the hall and both her and her boyfriend had no idea who or what that was it just, I don't know, it is what it is

overrated beautiful women I don't mean because they're prone to deception I mean because some women are too beautiful in this sort of unfuckable kind of way they're just ruined a woman has to be at least a little flawed

so you feel like you can violate her some it's hell being with a beautiful woman anyways because you drive yourself crazy thinking everyone wants what you have it's better to be with someone you learn you learn to find attractive in your own way and no one else can see it alright

oh shit okay, here's his opinions that's a self-esteem issue right there on your part you know but I do understand you know what it is when a girl is just so it's a combination of beautiful and just nice

have you met a girl who's just so beautiful and so nice and you're so fucked up and twisted that you can't have sex with her? you just can't you're like I don't want to fuck you I want to take you to a movie you know

and then you meet some skank and you're like I'm not taking you to a movie I want to fucking bend you over the dresser I believe that's a Hormadonna complex am I the only one who feels that way? I'm trying to think of somebody on TV that you can relate to that's just nice

you know whose borderline is that fucking goofy chick who cooks Rachel Ray she's borderline so sort of like nice and innocent that you couldn't but it's literally that quality that just makes you want to fucking you know I don't know

I'm not even going to get involved in it oh Jesus let's continue underrated having a fun job this one is aimed at you Bill you like to bitch about how insert midgets more on stones etc don't want to work often enough can I clarify that stoner thing?

I made fun of a specific person a friend of mine who smokes way too much weed and every stoner out there fucking sent me these emails wait man what do you got against oh I guess because I imitate you like that but what the fuck that's the standard voice for you

you find me a pot movie where someone doesn't talk like that and I'll do a better impression but that's what everybody says how come you always coming down with potheads man I'm not I'm coming down on my fucking douchebag friend who always done his smoked weed and it hasn't been a good thing for him

his quote I like to smoke weed because it turns my life into a movie alright you have a problem at that point now all you fucks who like to smoke weed and listen to this shit I don't give a fuck I drink wouldn't that be hypocritical?

speaking of which I'm on the wagon again as of today I did not drink today everybody and I'm going to try to see if I can make it all the way to the Rose Bowl before I fall off the fucking wagon again yawning once again no I don't know what it is I um

I've just been eating the wrong foods and uh I don't know and every night I've just been doing sets and I've had two Heineken's and next thing you know I have this distended white belly and I'm not liking it you know

I was just at a party and I wasn't drinking but I was leaning up against the counter and normally it would be digging into my back but I had a nice level of padding you know from fucking you know what really screwed me up was when I went to buffalo the goddamn buffalo wings were so good there

that I have gone on a buffalo wing kick and I found a couple places out here that have really good buffalo wings and um actually you want to hear the story this is what happened um I woke up on Saturday or Saturday

as they say in Boston in Boston when the real hardcore Boston guys you know I saw him on say you just sort of opened your mouth say Thursday, Friday

say Sunday say um I woke up and I'm thinking all right college football Auburn vs. Arkansas LSU's playing McNeese State

they're giving 39 and a half points are they going to fucking cover the spread who else was playing Georgia was playing Vanderbilt I was all fucking psyched and we're laying in bed my beautiful girl wakes up and she said

and she claimed the fucking TV it's like I'm watching TV so I immediately got up acted like I was going to the bathroom and I walked out sat in the living room and I turned on the fucking TV and I started watching

who the fuck was playing I started watching the Auburn Arkansas game which was fucking ridiculous you know Arkansas ended up scoring like 40 gotten points and they still lost by 20 it was absolutely insane and so she's like

hey I said I was going to watch TV where right so I tried the billow rally I tried to do that and it just didn't work didn't work she had a rough week she wanted to watch her stupid reality shows so I said fine

I said fine and uh I grabbed my stereo one of my stereo speakers was busted so I took it down to this fucking local guy this guy's out of his goddamn mind he actually repairs shit so I already love the guy so I go down there I get that

taken care of you know what else did I do I went out I just I just fixed some shit I went out I bought some stuff I fixed some shit around the apartment and I let her watch the shit and at one point I was picking up dry cleaning

I was doing all these goddamn chores and I just saw this fucking this bar and I knew they had wings and I was literally going to go in to get dry cleaning I was parked in the dry cleaner parking lot and I look across the fucking way

and there's a bar with wings and I get out like the Manchurian candidate like they just turned on my chip and I walked across the street in the bar the next thing you know I'm sitting there I got a water I got spoddingtons

and I got a fucking order of a dozen wings and I'm tearing these fucking things down like I'm in a wings eating contest here I am consuming 800 fucking calories or whatever the hell it was 1200 goddamn calories for no fucking reason

because I don't want to bother my girl because she's watching her fucking shows so I do all this shit I end up stumbling out of there and then I finally go over to get the goddamn dry cleaning and I come back right and during that time

a buddy of mine text me said hey I'm in LA are you watching the Ohio State game I said well it's going to be on TV why don't you come by I figured because my girl watched 3 hours of fucking I have to whisper this part because she's going to get mad I figured because she watched 3 hours of fucking TV that I could actually have a friend over

but like a douche rather than saying hey you know you watch TV for 3 hours so I'm going to have a buddy of mine over here now and we're going to watch the Ohio Ohio State Wisconsin game I actually

gave her the benefit of the doubt that she was going to be courteous and I said hey a friend of mine is coming over to watch the Ohio State game we can either watch it here or would you rather us watch it out at a bar

because I thought she was going to be like on TV for 3 hours you know why don't you watch it here and I'll leave you guys alone she didn't she goes yeah go watch it at a sports bar I was pissed

you know like when you have like one slice of pizza left and you offer it to somebody going hey do you want the slice of pizza even though you want it because you're thinking they're going to go no no that's okay because that's what you would say and you go hey would you like the slice of pizza and they go actually I would and then they start eating it then you're sitting there

fucking mad at them when you should be mad at yourself well like an asshole I got mad at her right and we had time to do a quick workout I just ate some fucking wings she wanted to go on a hike so we start to go on this hike and I just start going on this

rant about the stupid horror TV shows that she fucking watches and we got about a third into the hike and she was like a wide receiver just breaking off her fucking pattern she just made a right down we were supposed to be walking straight

she broke off made a right and started walking down a side street and I didn't even give a fuck and I continued my own way and we both were hiking separately you know broke off the whole fucking thing we ended up

getting this huge goddamn argument before my friend came over and then there was that whole thing like fuck now I gotta patch it up before he comes over so he doesn't feel the tension that we've been fucking arguing and not only we arguing we're arguing about fucking him coming over

so I smoothed it over she came back I said look I fucking overreacted yada yada yada did I even have a fucking ending I don't give a fuck I'm just gonna keep saying this because it's Sunday I'm gonna read one more fucking email and I'm just gonna tap out that awful fucking podcast what was the point

of that can anybody even remember where the fuck was I even go I started talking about about eating wings and being out of shape and then the end of it I told a fucking half ass story about getting into an argument now I can't even

sign into my fucking this this this podcast is literally just unraveling unraveling I don't even drink today the fuck is my podcast hey here's a YouTube video of the week if you guys are like if you play drums and you want to see a guy who actually

can kind of make his drums and the way he plays sound like John Bonham this guy does a great job look up John Bonham swing feel feel f-e-e-l and uh and tell me the guy playing drums does not look like uh was it ogre

what was the name of the the fucking psycho in revenge of the nerds tell me that's not him um but hang on a sec I gotta get back here cause I wanted to read something about douchebag sports fans and then I'm gonna end the podcast for this week this one really sucked

but I got him at the last couple weeks were pretty good but this one this one was not good in the annals of bill burr podcast you know this one would will not make it to repeats if this ever goes into syndication somebody sent me a great fucking email

oh I know why cause I had it on this page about sports fans right well tell you what as I'm searching for this fucking thing that I can't find anymore god damn cunt um

here we go here's some youtube videos um out cold reason to kill all of these are on the mm podcast cause some of these are actually from break.com and uh so rather than have to jump around websites if you want to watch all these

um out cold reason to kill uh this is like inexplicable this fucking video there's a singer he's on the ground and there's a fan doing something to him that I just can't believe and they proceed to have the worst fist fight in the history of fist fights

um look up kendall on sharecropping field trip one slap ko at gas station that's actually from break.com and then look up massive knockout those things are kind of violent

the fuck did I do with the god damn email this kid sent me this guy sent me a great email about as much as people hate the patriots they hate the cowboys more so we actually kind of I give up you know what I just fucking give up

on this goddamn podcast alright here's where I'm going to be this week alright you fucking pricks I'm going to be at the wilbur theater in boston massachusetts on wednesday of this week this is a fundraiser

for my brother's campaign he's running for state senate in massachusetts not to be in the united states senate representing massachusetts but I guess they have a different kind of senator just in massachusetts

I'm too fucking dumb so whatever I'm going to do a comedy show at the wilbur theater it's my brand new hour of material all proceeds will go to my brother's campaign to try to help him get elected so come on down even if you're not in his district

which I don't even know what the fuck it is come on down and I'm going to be telling a lot of family stories and trying to walk that line so I don't offend too many people because it is kind of a political thing

and later on this week I will be at the pantages theater in uh... minneapolis minnesota on october 22nd and the wonderful talented teen idol sensation from the open anthony show

joe de rosa will be opening for me and then the following day we're going to be at the vic theater in chicago illinois october 23rd um... that show from what I've heard is actually sold out um... and I think the one in minneapolis is coming damn

close so I'm going to thank you guys for the ridiculous amount of support that you've given me and I'm going to give you a fucking hell of a show when you come down there and uh... I think that's it I think that's it for the podcast this week it was one of the lamest ones I think I've ever done

let me see if I can just somehow pull out of it do I got anything this thing this guy sent me robots are stealing jobs robots are stealing American jobs according to MIT

economist forget the recession immigration and the mortgage industry collapse well okay how can you forget all of those this is already a ridiculous article but I think there is a point to be made here when it comes to the loss of American jobs

robots are to blame and you know what's hilarious they got a picture of a robot with fucking arms folding a goddamn sweater um... that's the conclusion of economists do you understand in the future that when you have a robot not only can it fold the sweaters

but the gap it can also be security you know didn't you guys see RoboCop can't you see what the fuck is going to happen all you morons who are using automated checkout machines just helping these fucking guys do you think these corporations

are beyond leading you to a shallow mass grave when they don't need you anymore when they figure out how to make a robot that can actually work for free and you can actually fuck it and it feels like a human being

when those two things come together like when they drove that golden spike in when they made the railroads connect I'm telling you that's the end of it for you and for me huh be honest with yourself are you inventing anything

what do you do for a living you think you're not replaceable they could you don't think they could have a robot they just fucking upload every goddamn routine of all time and you just you can just have like a computer screen

topics, political absurd hacky women dogs and cats all that type of shit or just have it do a Richard prior bit and have it move around like Richard

have a red fucking shirt on like that great special he did we're all fucking replaceable why are you gonna help him out anyways they say that's the conclusion of economists who've studied labor statistics and increasing job polarization are growing disparity in the pay

among low and high skilled low and high skilled jobs a handful of studies from the spring and summer have picked up steam in recent weeks and they raise some interesting questions about the economy in the days leading up to election day by the way how great have I become

reading out loud this is fucking amazing now that I've said it let's see if I'm in my head and I fuck up manufacturing is still strong in this country it's just that robots not humans are the ones manning the factories if

automation is the future of manufacturing and medicine and other fields less educated Americans could be left in the dust I gotta be honest with you with the way they just worded that I don't know where I stand on that um

I'm definitely think the world is overpopulated see this this this enters like that fucking Hitler shit you're gonna have to start deciding who gets to live and who doesn't ah jesus oh jesus so I don't know

I actually took my fucking speakers right I found this guy down the goddamn street somehow I'm gonna stretch this into an hour I got another two minutes I found this guy down the street who I had you know the you know the thing you stick your iPod on and it's got the speakers and that type of shit

well that thing broke one day and it just doesn't work so Nia's just like well we'll just throw it out I go no I want to get it I want to get fixed and she's like ah she literally gets like upset and I'm like there's probably just a fucking wire

or something I just don't understand electronics you could just open it up you could fix it and I find this fucking guy the first thing I did was had these old speakers that I hook up to my laptop and so I go alright I don't give a fuck about these I'm gonna take them down to this guy I'm gonna figure out

if this guy is any good or anything and the guy fixes them they're fucking phenomenal so what I'm doing is I'm gradually bringing this guy more expensive shit alright now that's what I suggest when you find a guy who says he's gonna repair your shit start with something you don't give

a fuck about like a clock radio alright let him repair it and if it works you're all fucking good right because I'm all about this shit by the way is when something breaks you go out and you get it fixed because evidently

there is a pile of shit in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one and a half times the size of Texas in two miles deep of all the shit that we just fucking throw out alright and then the sun breaks down the plastic as much as it can

right and then it becomes these little cubes and birds eat it and fucking fish eat it and then you go down you order some sushi and you think you're eating healthy you're actually eating your old fucking rollerblades so I'm all about fixing this shit so this fucking maniac

he's like really like eccentric his place is an absolute fucking mess and he was talking about I don't want to give away his idea here but I'm kinda gonna talk cause it's he was talking about how all recorded music

since the beginning of history is a fucking lie I'm like what are you talking about these are the kind of conversations you have when you go into a fucking mom and pop kind of place you know it isn't like who's next can I help you please I'm sorry sir we can't

is there anything else I can help you with this guy isn't like that he's telling me this shit and he basically broke it down saying that he works Monday through Saturday electronic shit and on Sunday he goes on the internet

and he looks up the heights of like Jimi Hendrix all the Beatles and he tries to learn how tall they are so he can figure out where to position his speakers and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about

he goes look at he goes Simon and Garfunkel he's like Garfunkel was 5'11 Paul Simon's like 5'7 1.5 whatever he knew their exact heights he goes but when they do the mix they mix them like they're the exact same height

so he's trying to tell me that you gotta put one speaker at 5'10 or 11 and the other at 5'7 1.5 to really hear what it sounds like if they were actually in the room singing to you and when you really think about

acoustics it actually fucking makes sense I know a lot of you are going like what the fuck but I'm telling you this guy broke it down where it made sense because think about it if I was sitting down if your ears were good enough if you heard a recording of me sitting down

or if you're sitting in a room with your eyes closed you could tell if I was sitting down or standing up in the room because of the way the sound was hitting you but I guess when they record the shit they level everything out like the drums don't sound like they were behind the piano player

or off to the left I guess everything sounds too stupid to explain this shit all I know was the guy in front of me he fixed this guy's he doesn't just fix your speaker he asks you if he wants you to hook it up and do it the right way

same thing with like amps and guitars and I don't have the balls to bring in my amplifier I'm trying to see if this guy's true but he basically played Steely Dan out of one of this guy's speakers and it sounded like two speakers like an unbelievable so once again I don't know what the point

of my fucking story was there other than fuck robots let me wrap this whole thing up fuck by an old furniture that has leopard print on it because it's got jizz on it garen fucking teed and if something breaks down why don't you try and get it fixed

speaking of which the blinds in my apartment my dog attacked them like 90% of them are okay but I need some new slats can anybody tell me where the fuck to buy those because I want to repair them once again Nia wants me to throw out the fucking things and just go buy

some brand new ones and it's like well what about the where the fuck did do my other blinds go where the fuck did those go that would be a great documentary you just throw something out you put a microchip on it

and you just follow it and if you can somehow find the thing that ended up in the ocean that a fucking a tuna inhaled and then go to the restaurant and just blow sad if we wouldn't fucking work with it

you know what this podcast is like there's a bad thing that comedians do when they're not getting laughs and they just think the next joke is gonna get them a fucking laugh and they just stay on stage and they stand I should have tapped out at 50 minutes

and just been like I've proven my point that when I do podcasts on Sunday night as nice as it is that when you come in on a fucking Monday that there's already a podcast waiting for you at work little fucking nice little ribbon tied around

it's just not as good as when I do them after I have a good night's sleep you know so there you go overrated build doing podcasts the Monday morning podcast on a fucking Sunday night I'm not doing this shit anymore

alright go fuck yourself if you want me to do it I don't give a shit alright that's it I gave you an hour and five minutes not of a hundred percent mediocrity I started off alright but I think in general this one sucked a big bag of elk dick

as they say in comedy business alright that's it that's the podcast for this week and I'll talk to you next week on Monday morning and you can fucking wait for it their cunt face ok see ya I

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