Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-17

Episode Date: October 19, 2017

Bill rambles about being homeless, do overs and Lionel Ritchie.

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Ireland Hey, what's going on is bill burn is time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. I'm I'm back in LA baby

came back to see my family is that my daughter in there? I'm greatest fucking day of my life so excited. Back here with the family hanging out having an awesome time and that's all I did. That's all I did all day just hung out with the kiddo my lovely wife and everything's good dealt with the stack of mail

you know as you do you come back to all the bills keep coming don't they right twenty forty sixty eight honey get the fuck out of here what do you want five hundred bucks fucking bastards they just won't let you just I don't understand I don't get how you retire it's like you have to become like you gotta become like this feudal fucking landowner we got a bunch of people with tuberculosis living in some shithole that

you fucking own that's the only way to not end this ride eating fucking apple you know waiting for a bus I don't know how you do it they just they won't let you sit fucking still you know say what you want about the caveman days how they only live to be

like twenty six they look like they were a hundred and five it's fucking people could chill out go out you kill a fucking woolly mammoth I mean yeah you gotta be good for a while right just fucking laying around this is amazing I guess then you gotta fight off other shit that tries to kill it just say you know once you fucking yeah you kill some you brought it back ladies let's go let's get a fire going sweetheart

you just fucking sat around your little fucking furry me undies made out of some platypus I don't I'm telling you man the devil runs the fucking planet the whole thing just fucking the whole thing is set up on somebody above you makes money off of you right and if there's no one below you

that you're making money off of then you're fucking eating dog food that's how it goes it's just fucking it's unbelievable just fucking I told you guys I saw this guy a number of times I've just seen homeless people just I saw this guy just sitting in the sun right burning up even then he was just sitting there it's the middle of the afternoon it's one of these restaurants at his tables out on the sidewalk and shit and they didn't really you know they're not

police at them there's nobody there so he's just sitting there sleeping son on his face and he's got a fucking colt 45 empty quarter left I don't know what and I'm walking down the street fucking sitting there thinking about all this shit I gotta handle that's what I'm in Atlanta and I just looked at that guy I was just like you know what that doesn't look that bad

obviously you know day in and day out it sucks but you know they have like Earth Day they ought to just have like just like homeless days just something where it's just okay to be in public take it a nap shit faced in the middle of the day why everybody else goes to work like you you get it it's like getting called for jury duty except it's fun hey boss I'm not going to be in the work on Tuesday I got a homeless day I ain't fair enough fair enough and then you just go out you grab your fucking

drink of choice you find a bench and you just get fucking hammered you just fight one in the afternoon you're asleep I don't know maybe this is because I've been on the wagon here for fucking nine weeks then I'm looking at stuff like that but I don't know I have no idea so I flew back took the first flight back I can't wait to tell you guys about this fucking movie I got to do a scene with one of my favorite actors of all freaking time and one of my favorite people and I was having such a good time I didn't even get a goddamn picture with them which is

always fucking you can't you can't really do that but I know that I already knew this guy before before I did it but we should we should have got a fucking picture but anyways so on the flight back I watched Cool Hand Luke one of my favorite movies of all time and Fast Times at Ridgemont High it was just both movies totally held up and one of the greatest fucking lines that has never quoted in Fast Times at Ridgemont High is Demone when he knocks up Jennifer Jason Lee and once he he goes you know is it mine he goes yeah it's yours he goes you know I suppose you want me to pay for it

oh my god what a fucking line I suppose you want me to pay for it it's like buddy she's fucking giving you a do-over you just fucked your whole life up you fucked her life up she's giving you a fucking do-over if you can live with it if you can fucking live with it you know what I mean I you know something I can't even talk about that because I don't even know where the hell I stand on that thing I don't even know where I stand but like when people say it's a taken of a life I'm like yeah yeah it is it is and my argument is if you didn't have that procedure there there would be a person

somewhere along the line somebody got whacked because there's one less person here it's all I'm saying I don't know who the hitman is you know you're sort of the dawn you know if you have the procedure done you say you gotta fucking take this guy out and then some of them the doctor goes in he's like the fucking he's that dude in the white suit in the Untouchables really Bill you're gonna fucking joke about abortion I don't know I don't plan these things I just start talking you know what I got some fucking twatty McFucking cunt face giving me shit that I got too much sports dribble on it dribble on this thing

really dribble like the fucking shit coming out of the side of your mouth when you're sitting there watching the goddamn Kardashians is that what you want me to talk about oh did you see what Miss New York said to Flavor Flave I don't give a fuck but you know if you're into it that's you know that's your thing it's your thing it's your thing watch what you want to watch I can't tell you anyways so I watched Cool Hand Luke and I haven't seen that in a minute I forgot how creepy what's his fail my god he just fucking flaked on his name Kennedy George Kennedy is that his fucking name oh Jesus Bill I gotta look

it up now George Kennedy he's a big motherfucker and he had a potbelly and he lived to be like 91 years old that doesn't happen those big guys you know they slap people around for six decades and then all of a sudden they just face down in a newspaper Mike Mike are you okay hang on a second is it George Kennedy yeah that's it George Kennedy when he's when he when you know the girl washes the fucking car he keeps calling Lucille a name it's gotta be Lucille I gotta watch it again to try to get his accent down she was over there war for that car and only a pin holding it hold it together I didn't understand

like that they couldn't like like back then they couldn't talk about like prison rape and shit so they just had these guys sitting in there like reading like dirty fucking stories about like red shoe diary shit to each other and then what they get all fucking frustrated I mean at that point somebody's gonna fuck something or beat the shit out of somebody but it never does but anyways what a fucking great what a goddamn great movie I fucking love that movie yeah well I love how that's just fucking attitude yeah well you know his mother comes to fucking visit him basically says yeah I'm gonna die while

you're in here I'll see you later cackling and fucking hacking up a lung I love that movie you know what I love about coolhand Luke he's like a fucking comedian you know what I mean fucking hates authority you tell him to go left he's gonna go fucking right he think you know obviously he's doing this at a prison level I don't I don't recommend that but there's a there's a fruit like when I watch that guy's like this fucking this is like the kind of guy in high school that you'd hang out with like people there's been a problem with with people driving their cars students driving their cars too fast I don't know

who's driving on the property and then the second you fucking say that that's it he's gonna take his car that weekend he's gonna do fucking donuts laughing his balls off just knowing that it's gonna irritate somebody I don't know maybe I'm missing the point of the movie but just a fucking great movie do you know actually one of the when they go to pave the road they're throwing the sand on top of whatever the fuck they're spraying on the road that music was composed for that scene and then somebody connected with the movie sold it to the nightly news and that became the nightly news song and some of the

actors were upset because they felt it ruined that scene you don't hear it now but that was the song that they played for like decades whatever the fuck that was I think I've actually already talked about this on the podcast anyways what do you want from me all right onto my sports drivel all right what in the fuck is going on with these fucking New York Yankees they are goddamn buzzsaw this is the second series in a row where they play rope adult they lean on the ropes they let you win game one oh good we won game one we're fucking holding home court here holding home serve whatever they say and then they win game two and

then you think you got them you're thinking yourself these fucking morons now they got to win four out of five or they got to win the next three in a row what do they do the Yankees right now are given the epitome if you look up right there Fred in the fucking dictionary that's what they're doing that's what they're doing and what the fucking Indians and Astros are doing is a classic example a cold lotion what they're doing to their fans or what the Indians did they won the first two they got them all fucking excited or you win 22 fucking games in a row and then you lose three in a row after being up to

two to two zip in a five game series anyways the fucking Dodgers are up three games to none out here you'd never know you'd never know and you know I realized with the Dodgers being up three games to none one game away from the World Series and I don't I didn't even fucking know about it you know what it is I don't have enough Mexican friends out here because those people God bless them are single-handedly keeping that franchise here in LA I swear to God if they weren't going to the games that fucking team would have left somewhere I don't know in the 80s I don't know what it is I know this I don't I don't I don't

know where the white guy fucking grew up here in LA baseball fan lives I just don't know where the fuck they are I haven't said they're up three games to not I didn't see I drove from LAX all the way to my house I didn't see one banner I didn't fucking feel any buzz nobody with a hat nobody with a jersey zip nothing I was stunned when I I mean I've been working so I wasn't paying attention I thought I thought I was like two one somebody I didn't know it was three games to none I didn't know they were right on the fucking break do you realize okay if the fucking Yankees win and the Dodgers win and we have a

Yankees Dodger fucking series okay they're gonna do the whole fuck who used to be the Brooklyn Dodgers they got the name Dodgers they were the trolley Dodgers a blah blah blah blah and Abbott's Field and somehow somewhere some fucking old bastards gonna come out of the woodwork and start talking about it right you know fuck all of that all right not fuck all of that baseball is is is is is as sport steeped in history as long as they bring up Vince Scully it's gonna be fucking great but all I'm saying is that takes me back to when I first started watching baseball 1977 1978 back-to-back fucking years I rooted for

the Dodgers because the Red Sox could not beat the fucking Yankees and then we you know that was the Bucky Dent year was 78 and I would root for them and they lost 77 the Dodgers and I rooted for them again and they lost again and the next year was Pirates vs. the Orioles Orioles up three games to one gave their fans the old cold lotion Pirates came back with the right there Fred won it seven then you had 1980 was Pete Rose let me get 50 on your fucking page boy haircut he he goes over to the Phillies right who the fuck did they play in the World Series I think it was Kansas City they finally got past the Yankees that's

what it was yeah every year I root for Kansas City then they'd lose and then I root for the Dodgers Kansas City got passed and then Pete Rose fucking led the Phillies to their first World Series victory in a hundred fucking years they won one in like 1881 or some shit and then 1980 they were actually the Cubs before the fucking Cubs just everybody forgets then 1981 the Dodgers play the Yankees again and I'm like what the fuck you know third time's got to be a charm and they finally fucking won I believe that was with Fernando Valenzuela wasn't Dave Winfield and poor Tommy John played for the Dodgers and 77 lost to the

Yankees played for the Dodgers and 78 lost to the Yankees and in 81 he switched teams eight plays for the New York Yankees and he loses to the fucking Dodgers oh Jesus can you imagine how quiet that fucking ride was home with his wife my goodness Tommy at least they named a surgery after you anyways by the way I know there's up everybody's fucking I don't know talking about this horrific injury I gotta make sure I get his name right he's brand new said Hayward that poor fucking guy hey I'm gonna write Hayward is that guy on the white shadow Hayward Gordon Hayward you know here's the thing everybody's

freaking out about it like oh my god yeah it was fucking grotesque but if I was him I would be psyched that it was a bone and not blowing out your Achilles are you your fucking ACL because according to this guy I talked to in a bar one time who is not a physician on any fucking level he maybe one of these sports center things I don't know what is I overheard at some point that when you break a bone if it's set right when it grows back it's actually stronger so he's gonna come back with a bionic ankle and tendons fine I think I'll be back by yeah I'm gonna say he's a non-doctor not looking at the x-rays that I don't know

to read I'm gonna say in February I say comes back in February it'll be fine it's just it's just that is is fucking yeah the angle that his foot was that yeah that was brutal but I'll tell you it's still not as bad as Joe Thysman it's not as bad as Joe Thysman it's not as bad as far as grotesque that fucking kid was it Louisville a few years ago like the kids just ran away when that happened I still haven't looked at that one and then there was a time I saw in the UFC this guy fucking kicked somebody compound fracture and he brought his leg back to put weight on it he didn't realize he had broken both bones down there what's

what's what's below your knee what is that down to the radius and the other that's your fucking arm then you got the humorous and you got your femur you got your patella you got your tarsals your metal tarsals and your flanges what the fuck is down there your fibula and your tibula oh frickin frack of the leg there right the twins the twins fucking hanging around like the little fish and your femur is the whale they're the little fish he's underneath it right he fucking broke both of those things and he goes to put all his weight on the god damn leg and his fucking you ever see a little kid put an adult's like rainbow

on that goes up to their knee and then it just kind of fold that's what the fuck happened yeah that was a gross one let's talk about broken leg obviously Joe Thysman is sort of the one small step for man one giant leap for mankind that's like the fucking lunar landing of broken bones on in sports that's that's sort of the original as far as I remember and then there was of course the guy walked in I never know the fighters names the guy fucking walked in he come walking in like a crab or a spider and he's fucking around that one fight acting like he wasn't hurt and the guy fucking really knocked him out and he

was like all right I'm coming back and he went to go kick him and he fucking broke both bones that was fucking brutal and I left the room I was like I don't want to see that again and my my wharf rewound that like fucking I don't know how many times was fascinated by it fascinated it's unbelievable I can't fart in bed but she can fucking sit there and look at that I mean I mean women try to figure them out anyways whatever was it 19 minutes in Jesus Christ tell me what fucking I don't have my advertising with me I'm just gonna plow through this oh man I got to a nice political debate out here I'll tell you you know this is

what you got to do you pray if you're in a red state right now or if you're in a blue state you're probably sick of people agreeing with you so what you need to do is you need to go to another state and just wait till politics comes up you just argue the other side you have a great fucking time you know like when I'm in a red state if I say anything about Trump or whatever like people their heads almost explode like you tell me fucking Hilary with a fucking you know they do that and then out here it's the exact opposite this person I was arguing with today just kept grabbing their head like they couldn't believe they were

talking about like that Hilary didn't win because she was a woman and I was just like I was basically saying that there was probably some sexism obviously right but like it's just it's not just one fucking thing there's a whole bunch of things there's also the fact that people are sick of the Clintons and they're sick of the Bushes the Bushes and the I when Jed Bush came along it's like how many times did he bang Barbara how many are there after a while like a political family just gets played out and you just don't want it you just don't want to see him again you know what the Bushes and the Clintons are right now do you remember

they were like in the 10th season of the office and even Steve Carell was like dude this is over he like fucking left and they just can't make in more of them that's what the Clintons and fucking Bushes are it's just it's over it's over get your residuals and ride off into the sunset they just won't do it they keep coming back for another season yeah it's so it's unbelievable so if you bring up anything that Trump does to Trump people they lose their fucking minds if you bring up anything that like like all they see is what the other person fucking did it's unreal that would be like me as a sports fan not being able to see like

how amazing it is what the Yankees are doing right now I'm not saying like you know I can't say I'm rooting against them I gotta be honest with you as a fucking Red Sox fan 49 years old the for me the movie was all for me that I just say I said that for real for real see for real see I just feel like for me 2004 that was it that was the end of the movie roll credits you know it's fucking over you can't chant 1918 at us anymore no matter how much you say we choked we're never gonna choke more than you guys did there was a historical fucking choke no one's ever done that no one will ever do that again with the

200 million dollar fucking team no one will ever be first again you know what I mean they'll be the Kobe they won't be the Jordan of choking they'll be the second one doing what had already been done so to me that was the end roll credits it's over and then we want two more so who gives a shit when we're gonna catch the Yankees this 30 fucking teams now that you can't and all of those sports you can't you know unless you got two teams going at it like Celtics and Lakers although the Lakers caught up with the Celtics as even as all these teams increase so I fucking hate saying that as a Celtics fan but

what they've done I feel is the most amazing they won the most championships in my fucking lifetime since 1968 I fucking hate saying that but it's true these fucking bastards they could build a team and then when it went into the free agent thing they had all these fucking whores out here all these starlets for these fucking guys to bang and they had the great weather and we just couldn't keep up with them we couldn't keep up with them we had fucking winner you know we had you know we had racist racism and shit they got racism out here too Jesus Christ you know it's racism is fucking equal but you know so

then the tipping point becomes the weather in the Hollywood fucking who was I mean right there it's over it's over it's fucking over we got palm trees and Hollywood fucking who is all right what do we got what do we got we got the freedom trail and Sam Adams beer I mean this you know I mean come on you just not gonna get some you might want to get one of those big goofy European guys to fall for that shit but you're not gonna get an American anyways I know what the fuck I'm talking about here I will say that this is this is the fucking thing Houston Astro fans I am apologizing now because I love your uniforms reminds me

of the fucking orange crushes back when they put the real fucking sugar in them uniforms were great tell you had a rough three games okay did you guys notice all right I was joking with this comic Yanis Poppins right I was joking with them how you know he's going Houston's a strong team at home and I was like all right but like the Yankees fan base like the sound of the crowd is this they're used to winning and there's an expectation even you know I mean a drought for them as they haven't won since 2009 okay there's an expectation and there's an they have a level that's unacceptable okay and

there's very few crowds you hear that in a Celtic crowd you hear that in a Yankee crowd I hate to say this you hear that with Montreal Canadian but they're hanging on by their fucking skin of their teeth because it's been so fucking long that they at this point have two generations that have never seen a fucking Stanley Cup so what you need that continued fucking success to get that train fucking rolling all right Houston Astro crowd I mean you guys sound like you guys are one of those towns where it's a playoff game and it's in your big fucking deal is you're gonna everybody's gonna show up and

wear this same colored free t-shirt you know what I mean somebody going are you ready right doing that dumb shit I don't know I don't know if you need to win a bunch of championships to get that fucking sound but I don't know you don't hear it that often and when I listen to the Yankees in October the Celtics and fucking Megan in June the old forum had that sound I think you know if you if you sit in the upper deck it's Staples Center I think you'd probably hear it but like Staples Center as I've said for a long time one of the most hostile fucking venues there is they it's just if you got money you're down below and if

you don't you're up top go fuck yourself and the moat in between is just three stories of luxury boxes I mean I don't know if you've ever gone to a third world country where there's like 10% of the people have have like fucking all the money and then everybody else has a tin fucking shack the Staples Center that's what that's the way it's set up anyways so who knows I'm gonna watch that game six if I'm not working I don't know when the fuck it is I think Friday I'm working I'm in Austin oh that's right I'm in Austin Texas this weekend I got two shows Friday both sold out thank you very much and then I got one on

Saturday and I you know when I decided because my Madison Square Garden recording ain't happening I don't know what to do with it it's I fucked up I thought when I said told them that I wanted to record that they understood that I was making an album and they just took it right from the board so I sound all loud and happy like I'm killing it Madison Square Garden and then the crowd sounds like it's a coffee house so the recording sounds ridiculous like why is this guy so excited you know he's not doing that well so I've decided when I go to the cool venues like this Austin City limits I'm just gonna start

recording my shit and I don't know what I'm gonna do with it I think I'm just gonna randomly put out some vinyls like some vinyls albums and whatever just to fucking have a moon oh some day I'm fucking dead and gone there'll be these different versions of my hour of bullshit that I was working on right that'd be interesting maybe I don't know I don't know if that works with jokes so when it was I'm gonna be recording this weekend so I don't know if that's an added fucking little cheese it that'll get you to come down there I have no idea I'm working with fucking Dean Del Rey and then we're hanging around on

fucking Sunday and we're going to the Formula One race maybe gonna see Lewis Hamilton wrap it up I've been so fucking busy I haven't been watching the Moto GP I did see that fucking highlight of Mark Marquez passing with the David COC David CO so David COCA one of the great fucking names of all time and I always screw it up in the rain fucking passed him on one of the final turns it's just such a tremendous sport and whoever the fuck it was in my podcast that suggested that I should watch it I want to thank I want to thank you what am I up to here 29 goddamn minutes all right I had such a fun time arguing

politics and in the end you know I hugged the other person go come on all right we're all Americans here right everybody relax everybody relax stop watching CNN 24 hours a day I'm watching Fox News 24-hour day what you do is you watch them each 12 hours all right then you balance out your fucking propaganda you know what I mean then you go to an NFL game you watch them sell your war you know you got it's sort of like a war rally before the game they do everything but actually to buy war bonds I think that's the Pentagon make it sure everybody stays on the same page we don't end up with a Vietnam here they

don't need a we don't need a bunch of fucking hippies out there burning their fucking draft card you geek we don't be just get everybody out there to support the troops and I don't know I'm a cynical motherfucker you know I feel like they use in those kids I'm probably wrong I am a fucking idiot but I don't know I don't know about that one at the very least at the end of all of it even if the Pentagon and everybody's heart is in the right place the fucking NFL's making money off of it and it's so fucking gross it's gross just stay in your own lane okay you know hey you know what you know what the NFL has in common

with our fucking military they don't take care of their veterans either oh all right I'm done I'm fucking around with you guys see if I get a little bit of hate mail all right you want to talk music for a second you know I finally downloaded I downloaded I can never meant not a love supreme stank on you stank on you it was Andre 3000 and then there was the other guy I just downloaded cuz I like the fucking drums you know my brain doesn't work fast enough because some of them to me this is modern music I'm so far behind it's it's it's fucking ridiculous the hell did I right download wasn't even stank

on that stank on you what the fuck that's not what's called is it outcast this has to sound like your fucking parents you know I like I like that the the outsiders dad is outcast not even then this is like fucking 20 years old at this point 2017 years yeah stank on you there you go and I gotta be honest with you I downloaded this shit because I thought that this would be a good bass drum exercise right here that's it go go get that girl uh uh that that but boom boom dead but boom boom dead just do that for fucking an hour then could I play good times bad times I don't know Bill would anybody give a shit all right

I'm gonna stop here I'll probably get the advertising later on tonight no fucking I'll go to read that that's the Thursday afternoon podcast just before Friday Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast just checking in on you seeing how your week is going enjoy the Thursday night football all right support your candidate support the troops support the global warming fucking sign with the Lakers let me just do the whole fucking wrap up here it's better to break an ankle than the blowout or knee that's basically the physical burn the hands better than two in the bush oh look who's here look who's

here with a shirt that says flawless you know what I agree isn't that just you know what it was about what I just said there near it was sweet but wasn't it just a little too sweet wasn't just a little too on the nose no no I think so no you believed it what are you saying you weren't being genuine well I am like aware that there's people listening to this see your phony well there's gonna be an element of phoniness are you on that mild with that yak I don't know what that means sharp I thought he's with that yak I thought he said with that hen dog he says that too yeah he says I'm on that mile with that yak yeah to me

that's good weather and he's on the back of a yak he's literally on a yak a yak in my world in my white world a yak is either you puked from drinking right or it's that farm animal I've never seen right no actually we saw at that time when we went out to that that wine winery that also had the zoos for tax purposes Malibu wine safari a lot of people don't know that if you actually if you have a giraffe if you have a giraffe on your property he actually lowers your taxes but you have to have a certain amount of kids coming by looking at going oh well mom that's great then the government goes oh all right all right

remember that girl got bit by the by the camel what you don't remember the girl got bit by the camel kind oh that group of girls yeah the ditzy broads in front of us and the guy goes all right if you go to feed the camels and you run out of food make sure you're not basically within their camels was it and it was a llama yeah isn't like a camels a llama with like osteoporosis it's got lumps which is personally my favorite outcast album why are you why are you looking at that oh because I downloaded it just because I like the bass drum this this bass drum that's it

yeah do you know remember that he's whatever the fuck it was it was something not from this country right llamas don't have their green card do they it's Trump getting rid of them too I'm probably I stand with the llamas they're filthy the rapists they're taking now the jobs they're eating all the grass right exactly then all the cows are like all fucking for them is that a fat joke I don't think it was anyway so he tells them whatever the fuck it was it was a llama if I gotta guess three animals it was either a camel I think it was a camel okay so he gave a joke a camel a camel and a llama and a giraffe we're all at a

winery so the guy on the fucking the guy who's dressed like the man with the yellow hat says to these dits as to everybody in the fucking truck he was dressed the way they always dress with those safari clothes and they're not doing anything is you're just riding in a truck with me you could be wearing sweatpants the yellow hat oh curious George curious George curious George W. Bush so he says he tells these ladies he tells everybody he goes if you run out of fucking whatever the fuck we were feeding them make sure you're not in their wheelhouse because then they just gonna chomp down on you

because they're lunatics right so I forget what the fuck he said so these these these did see ladies go over there and she tried she runs out of fucking grass and then she turns around tries to do a selfie and this thing came down and just chomped her shoulder she kind of pulled away quick enough I remember she had some sort of just like nipped her whatever it was yeah there was a greatest thing ever she came back to the talk she's like oh my god did you see that it's just totally bit my shoulder and then the fucking curious George guy had shades on and he just everybody can hear he just went I fucking told you I

was like I love this guy well I fucking told you there you go that was a good time we went for mom's birthday that was nice yeah if you want to get shitfaced again and look at a yak I mean I'm a foot there was a yak there was there yagini yak no you're so oh don't talk back bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit can you imagine all those people who learned to play the fucking saxophone in the 50s thinking that that was never gonna end there was always a saxophone solo and then all of a sudden it just fucking ended you know unless you were in Chicago or earth-winted fire

who else had a Lionel Richie's band had it right the Commodores yeah he was a horn player wasn't he Lionel Richie yeah I don't know Nia what oh my god you've been with me too fucking long how do you not know that how do you you're supposed to know everything that is black yeah seriously am I supposed to know everything about the Commodores I need yeah like Sunday morning sorry let me see something I'm gonna look this fucking shit up right now this podcast is officially over you just fucking hanging out with us right now Lionel quiet Lionel Richie horn Lionel Richie's video video Lionel Richie you are a song I know he

played the feet played some cover no was it saxophone there's only so many horns right I mean there is there's not an infinite amount of horns well saxophone Lionel Richie saxophone the alto sax there you go wait wait does he play it no and he was in the Commodores he was like no he was he's like Phil Collins Phil Collins was playing drums and all of a sudden he's singing but I don't know I don't think he played it Lionel Richie oh that's somebody playing hello and like no but he played the fucking horn fine evidence where the receipts you want to bet yeah how much five bucks come on twenty bucks bet your fifty bucks I'm

not betting fifty dollars on whether Lionel Richie played the saxophone that's so dumb I know we did no he didn't yes he did no isn't that funny you're scrolling through Google images because I'm not I'm not I didn't bingo image of Lionel Richie playing any kind of horn French Saxo any of that Saxo hello Commodores horn section here we go you motherfucker he didn't he played the horn I've seen the video he could play it find it oh look there he is playing the piano he's multi-talented well we know that he could probably cook too I know he did mmm doesn't look like it well

nothing is this none of these are picked there it's not Lionel Richie playing any kind of horn oh yeah who the fuck is that that's not Lionel Richie I know he did it I know he did I know I saw it I'm out of fifty bucks wait a minute and one of them somebody listens to his nose without a doubt if I'm right or if I'm wrong and they're gonna let me know you're on Google right now and there's nothing that has come up yeah but I'm a moron well obviously I know we did I know I saw him playing the fucking thing wait who's who's the lead singer of the Commodores because it wasn't him all right fuck this Commodores brickhouse I

think this is gonna be him on the fucking horn go get go go go bing bing in it it makes you know I swear to God because that's that fucking hipster white fucking silver like horseshit it's so bad it's good here we go where's Lionel I'm telling that's him right there I'll bet you a hundred bucks I'm a ton now we already settled on 50 just letting it all hang out she's a brick got the black dot on the snare very 70s come on he's right there with the saxophone sorry my daughter see that's not him there is that's him with

the saxophone oh my god oh my god yeah wait are we sure he's playing it though maybe he's just like posing go fuck yourself Nia oh my god it's him that's 50 bucks suck my fucking dick all right that's the end of the podcast that's how you make 50 bucks off your wife all right I'll talk to you fuckers on the weekend on Monday enjoy I guess I'm gonna do a read after this in the future all right all right we get it she's got a nice ass oh my god Ulysses S Grant baby he's on the 50 another white man with a hipster beer who knew that's it all right enjoy your fucking weekend your cuts and enjoy the Thursday afternoon

podcast from Thursday sometimes too excited I want 50 bucks up finally we once in a while you're right all right fuck off with the metaverse firefighters will one day be able to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line the metaverse may be virtual but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact hey what's up I'm back here's a fucking read here lift everybody lift knows that their drivers are what keeps them moving oh geez they're really on it aren't they Nia so they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are

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just wish I could sit in the sun and drink it every random Wednesday one Wednesday a month you can just get drunk in public and you got your little cards so the cops can't arrest you well someone finally decided to do something about it introduce things saucy meow the alcohol delivery apps saucy delivers your favorite wine and beer and liquor right to your door on demand if you're ever gonna drink yourself to death this is the way to do it it's uber from nobody would have to see it it's uber for alcohol now lift just said don't say uber and their fucking read and then saucy says now if you're in Los Angeles San

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enter promo code burp I was wondering you're gonna laugh at that for $15 off get this saucy app saucy get this saucy app today and use the promo code burp officer officer I'm not drunk I'm just saucy all right legal zoom everybody as a business owner you know how important it is to keep moving forward but what about that person who just died just just grab his briefcase and keep it moving but a lot of times things come up to take your time and focus away from your growing business so when it's time when it comes to reviewing contracts registering for trademarks or staying current on fees and permits legal zoom.com can can help

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now to take care of your business before the year winds down sorry I didn't know it was gonna be an explanation point and for several for special savings be sure to enter code burr in the referral box and check out these are all exclamation points in here I don't know why that's code burr for special savings only at ZEGLE legal zoom.com legal zoom.com all right that's it enjoy the Thursday throwback podcast from Thursday fifth floor warmer apartment above the warehouse the acidic landlord checks on the rent neon lights shining off her but there gets been weeks since I got up out of bed

pushed her father for nothing but the silence sometimes it's nice to just be alone and down ship to rock around the dive and sometimes this gives me down to the bone wake the dead and dream of the angel the sin of the saint deal has got 21 that's Brooklyn or maybe it's play you put the handgun down the back down they give it away got your eyes on the moment that you could be say it's Columbus Day right Columbus Day it's Columbus Day he came over here there was already people he

cut off their fucking hands because they couldn't find gold and we celebrate him because he was kind of white even though I think he was from Spain and if he came to Boston and tried to get a job he'd be really fucked with most of the people he'd interview with so yeah today it's Columbus Day Christopher Christopher Columbus sorry I went to the Bruins today had a couple of beers all right so deal with me Christopher fucking cake Chrissy get on the fucking boat do the job we paid you for Christopher Columbus all right discovered America for all you all you people who have never picked up a history book he say in the 1492 he

sailed the ocean blue he thought he was going to the West Indies this is like there once was a man from Nantucket there once was a man from Spain who had in his balls of pain he couldn't get laid he tried every day so he said fuck it I'm gonna sail so I have something to talk about I don't know guys this is funny to me and I'm buzzing pretty fucking good and I really don't give a shit I do give a shit I care I care about you and how did you enjoy Columbus Day what did you do did you put on like a fucking George Washington wig and stand on the neck of the Tannis person that you know in celebration of all the great things he

did I've always had difficulty once I got past a certain age with the fact that guy they said he discovered he discovered like he discovered it for Europe he didn't discover it there was already people here you know what I mean just sitting here living off the land you know a little mudflap over that junk using up every bit of the animal they did nothing wrong that's the over correction of Native Americans where they've now become like these godlike people where none of them were bad you know none of them would have fucked you out of your 401k money had they understood what a 401k was and could tie a

tie you know what I mean I mean people are people let's let's let's let's let's get down to brass tacks here people all right just because you're sitting there flossing with a fucking bison tendon doesn't mean that you know if you had a car you wouldn't get a little grabby on the first date all right okay and if you can't do the math on that that I can't help you yeah it's Christopher Columbus day merry-go-vis spoochy remember all that that fucking awful history stuff you sit there with half a fucking erection looking at some chick next to you and there's some guy in a goddamn tweed coat talking about Vinnie Del Negro what was

the other what was the other guy the other world explorer it was a merry-go-vis spoochy it was Christopher Columbus and then there was a guy who had like a Vinnie Del Negro name but it wasn't Vinnie Del Negro but now that's in my head so I'll never be able to think what the fuck was it was it Marcus the Lafayette was that him he wasn't the traitor in the Revolutionary War that was Benedict Arnold Marcus the Lafayette did he start Marquette University he did something he wasn't with Lewis and Clark I don't fucking know you know it's funny it's just all the shit that was done to create this country and they kind

of boil it down to like 14 people these guys sailed up a river this guy found it this guy said I can't tell a lie and the other guy said hey why don't you lay off the black people for a minute you know and that's pretty much the first 200 years of history in this country as far as I can tell you know and for all you Europeans listening and all you Australians that doesn't mean your country's better all right so fuck you and your fish and chips and your Vegemite sandwiches because nobody gives a shit all right you're just as filthy as we are

how come you can't protest without getting tear gas shot at you all around the world you know they act like you you know we want to hear from our people and you go out there and you just sitting out there all you do when you got signs in your chanting and then the cops come down there and they start pushing people around and they throw fucking tear gas I don't understand why why can't you do that why aren't you allowed to protest look I understand if you go down there and you start breaking windows and that type of shit but I actually believe and I know you guys gonna think that I'm paranoid if I was in power I would just

say hey how old you son he has sent him out there and have him throw a rock through a window so we can look justified when we get rid of these fucking people out here I'm sorry I'm going back down the fucking rat hole again somebody sent me a great rant that this guy went on on a news program and he was talking about the bankers because I can't even watch news right now with our government might shut down in a couple of days but this guy was basically going off saying all that bankership that I was trying to say a few years ago when I started watching those videos and everybody was saying oh yeah these are

fucking fat guys living in their mother's basements who they don't have any lives and you just you know you're drinking the Kool-Aid and all this shit now look a lot of that stuff we never landed on the moon I'll give you all that shit okay maybe all of that stuff 9-11's an inside job I'm not talking about any of that fucking crap but that bankership I'm telling you that bankership is dead on dead fucking on it's not the left it's not the right it's those cunts right in the middle with money on both sides of the ball it's those guys and I have to tell you dude the fact that the president only makes

400 grand a year and that just the way they frame it like oh he's a public servant it's the biggest crock of shit out there the only person who would take that job you'd have to be the biggest fucking yes man on the planet just to get there who the fuck would run for a job where it cost 100 million to get it so you can make 400 grand a year that isn't a red flag to anybody then you get to go around giving speeches a million dollars a whack like that isn't your kickback for fucking pushing through whatever they wanted I just think it's it's so beyond corrupt and I used to think shit like I can't believe we're

letting these pencil pushing banking pussies pushes around but it's not them it's the fact that people will do anything for money so when you have that kind of money you can hire psychos and you know I don't know you get that you get that Lincoln town or car ride the convertible in Dallas all right I spoke about it vaguely but you know what I'm saying with the moment that you could be safe and you're walking out hey what's going on it is Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast and it sounds really fucking loud why is that why is that because my volume's up there

we go I'm not redlining am I hello test one two see I usually do that part before I get on the fucking thing but I didn't I didn't this time because I'm doing it on Sunday night because for some reason I have the whole apartment to myself other than my dog chilling out and whatever this is the Monday morning podcast how are you oh that's fantastic I'm actually in a great fucking mood I don't sound like it I'm in a great mood you know why because well because of a number of things okay first of all I doesn't even a happy story I just don't want to forget to tell the story I was out at a friend's birthday party and

ranting about the Yankees quote my hatred of the Yankees is it's literally it's getting embarrassing it's like at a childlike level I I get infuriated every time somebody brings up the Yankees and they don't mention that they've spent 200 million dollars why wouldn't they be up two games to none over the fucking angels okay it just annoys me you know I already fucking I just but I have to stop because people out here don't give a fuck and I'm talking to like some guy from fucking Milwaukee and he's like yeah you know you know you guys kind of take our players too so I don't really give a shit and I'm like

no but the Yankees are in our division what do we what the fuck are we supposed to do you know we're trying to end an 80 year curse that one fucking time right this pen and 200 million dollars what are we supposed to baseball's not stopping on what the fuck we see look here I go again here I go again just like that awful white snake song so anyway so I'm at this birthday party right I'm sitting there I'm having a couple of Budweiser's you know because I want to you know and this lady comes over you know it's the birthday time happy birthday dear douche bag right and they bring that's not douche bag but they bring the

fucking cake over okay and then little Susie miss cuntie box starts cutting up the fucking cake you know there's always that fucking you know soccer mom to be who just has to all of a sudden start fucking running things like the fucking control freak that she is so I'm sitting there drinking beer and she comes over with this fucking piece of cake and she just sets it down here you want a piece of cake and I'm like no no I don't and she goes why not first red flag then I'm dealing with a pushy cunt would you like some cake no no I wouldn't why not because I you fucking asked me that and that's what my inside said no I don't

want cake I gotta give you a follow-up fine you want to follow up fucking answer I'll tell you why because the cake is blue it's a blue cake she goes that's not the cake it's the that's just the dye and she walks away and leaves the cake there stupidest fucking response ever that's not the cake it's the dye you mean the dye in the cake oh oh I all I got I get it I get it all I do is just eat the cake part I don't eat the blue part exactly where do I enter the cake to get to the part that actually looks like fucking cake and doesn't look like you spilled one of those roofie drinks on it I won't just fucking annoyed me and

then I'm watching her bouncing around just handing people cake with their stupid skirt and her smart looking fucking shoes you know little miss fucking PTA she just she does look like the kind of fucking broad that you know he's got nothing better to do this is this is her future she's gonna have a couple of fucking kids and she's gonna be all involved in the fucking school and she's gonna know everybody's goddamn names and just ah and it's just gonna be her agenda and her agenda is gonna fucking pass you know the same way I said no to the cake and this twat takes does not take no for an answer would you like some

cake no I wouldn't you know why is it socially unacceptable for me I should just pick that fucking piece of cake up with the plate and just mushed it I said I didn't want any right in her fucking face there my face is blue oh that's just the die fucking douchebag so anyway sorry I had to get that out I actually had a great week you know as most of you know I had a had a bad experience on us air this past week they charge 25 bucks for the first bag and when I landed I had to wait almost an hour to get my bag you know and I actually got the email and I promised you guys I was gonna complain to him you

know and I know what you guys are probably thinking oh it's a fucking corporation what the fuck you're gonna do this is what I did okay you know because you get you have to be I'm telling you you have we have to start look at me I'm getting psycho I'm actually using the word week which I never do I believe that people need to start questioning some of this some of the demands that these corporations are making on people because it's getting ridiculous you're sitting on a flight there's 300 people on the flight nobody wants to pay 25 bucks for the first bag yet everybody does because nobody's

bitching or they take the every man for themselves route well I'll just fucking bring one shirt and a jockstrap and that way I'll shove it underneath the seat and I'll save my own ass you know and those of you who do that your own little selfish fucking way I hope you marry that chick with the blue cake so anyways as you notice I have a temper if you knew to my podcast and I don't give a fuck I think it's refreshing sit here yeah it's kind of shit that kills you those little blue cake moments fucking kill you after a while you just hold on to it you just like well she's kind of pushy then you slowly just start eating

the fucking cake you know sound of children's wet feet running across concrete as you sit there in that stupid fucking hourglass shaped pool right outside of that as that what you guys do out there in the suburbs some sort of rock formation artificial waterfall anyways what the fuck am I talking about see what you have to do is you have to learn how to complain to these corporate fucks okay like here's an example of someone actually writing you know what do I really have time to read that do I want to read it what do you guys want to hear you want to hear the way not to do it like one of those old little fucking

school film strip you know Eddie correct way Suzy wrong way all right here's the wrong way Bill here's a story regarding poor service about two years ago I took my my family wife and two sons ages six and four at the time social security numbers 970 up to New Hampshire in the White Mountains and we went to the Wild West themed amusement park so we could have some fun not generally I'm a pretty angry guy but I try not to be so fucking miserable around my kids because I don't want them to be the same as me so I try and act like a normal human being and let shit go when I get when I get fucked to a certain degree dude I

can't even tell you how much I relate to that you know of course my wife will encourage this as well just calm down everything will be all right I don't understand why you get so upset he literally said insert your chick voice there cause you know I was gonna do that anyway we decided it's time to get some lunch at the old Wild West show and we go into some shitty little pizza stand inside the park that's in quotes you can already feel his anger and the lines pretty long but it's lunch so it's expected I then tell my wife and kids to wait outside as I will order for the kids and so the kids don't get antsy you

know take them over to some fucking struggling actor dressed as Winnie the Pooh while I go get the pizza slices basically this I'm gonna start compensating for my fucking bad reading out loud skills as I'm just gonna start paraphrasing anyway so as I waited about 20 minutes to order I'm looking at the cluster fuck that's going on and passing for an organic organization behind the counter apparently some mid 40th year old douchebag who does the hiring has decided it would be great to hire all 20 year old chicks or chicks in their 20s with Russian based from Russian from Russia based on their hotness sorry

guys and they were pretty hot well I'm a married man with my wife and kids with me so at this point I don't give a fuck how I don't give a fuck as I'm not banging any of them anyway so I finally order and I begin to wait after about 40 minutes of waiting my oldest son comes in and tells me his mother sent him to ask where the food is now keep in mind that this is a full 60 minutes with no food in his mind so I tell him to go back and I'll be out soon now my wife sends him back because she doesn't want to lose the prime dirty table that she has cleaned herself those amusement park tables are the worst so I ask in a

polite way when my food will be when my food will be ready and this Russian looks at me and says in five minutes I then watch her go over there and reread my slip and then I watch her sprinkle the bullshit toppings that I asked for on my piece of cardboard shit that I'm paying $25 for to begin with and she begins to cook it I then ask her if that's what happened basically saying did you forget my fucking order and she says no so I'm fucking starving and I'm furious so I start acting like a fucking asshole and I start talking really loud saying that I've been here for 40 minutes waiting and I'm watching people leave before me

who ordered after me and then I say just tell me just all my phones ring in the other room I have to ignore it he goes just tell me that what you did wait just tell me that you did what I know you did and that you made a mistake and that you just made my pizza you're basically Joe Pesci in in casino I'm gonna give you the money just tell me you gambled you fucking degenerate piece of shit right so it's at this moment I should have realized that I'm 36 years old at the time about 62 and 200 plus pound yelling at probably a 5 foot 10 inch skinny Russian chick who's about 22 years old but of course I didn't however some

cuntty 45 year old chick sure did and starts I guess this is another customer and starts to butt in and tell me to leave her alone I then blow up and tell her to mine around fucking business as well as you should have anyways I'm sorry that was a blue cape woman seeping into this I tell her to mine around fucking business and stay the fuck out of it and I turn around the other 25 people are so people waiting in our already paid douchebag section holding our slips and I try to garner some momentum and say something like aren't you all waiting here too this this is ridiculous right blah blah blah I was then I noticed my

six year old with his eyes and mouth wide open looking at me and either awe or shame I'm still not sure which so I asked you as another angry guy do you think I should have just kept my mouth closed and continue to be part of some fuck-up scenario in which some retard wants to fuck a young Russian and I have to suffer by receiving poor service or continue to call out bullshit when I see it all right Steve you are a hundred percent the right there all right no you shouldn't start screaming and yes you shouldn't do that in front of your kid what you should have done it was you should have asked to see a manager and

you should have complained and what you should have done was basically there's a magic word that you use in there and it's not fuck it's unacceptable okay you just have to keep your cool and you say listen I've been waiting here for 50 minutes for a slice of pizza okay and when they go oh it's coming right up just be it's unacceptable I just saw you put toppings you read my slip you put toppings I feel it's what happened I want to speak to a manager and then when the manager comes over you just tell him in a nice calm tone what's going on well blah blah blah that's the way to go about it and you just say I want some

sort of compensation and when they say that they cannot give you any compensation you just keep saying that is unacceptable and you keep asking for people above them if they are not there you get a phone number and when you get a phone number then you write a fucking email and you have to go that route and I swear to God good shit happens why why would I know that because this is the second half of my US Airways story all right they basically you know they sent me to their internet to complain that I had to wait an hour for my fucking bag that I paid 25 bucks for so I go into their website all right I think I

explained this last week so you know what do I get what do I get from these assholes they have a whole page where as I'm I'm trying to register to complain they're sucking out even more information so I just decided that that was unacceptable I'm not fucking doing that so I called the number and I called the people at US Air I said very nicely I said look I understand that you you don't make the policy I'm not upset with you I'm upset with the guy sitting on the yacht with the US Airways tie-tack right now I'm sonning himself with my $25 you know and I want my money back and they

said well go to the website I said I don't want to give you all that information and the lady said well that's the only way you can get your money back and I said well that's unacceptable I'd like to speak to somebody else so she gives me somebody else they try to take me to the back to the website I say that's unacceptable I don't want to give you all that information there's no reason for me have to give you all that information she goes well that's our procedure I said that's unacceptable so finally after just keep saying unacceptable and I wouldn't curse I didn't lose my cool I wouldn't

get off the phone all of a sudden now all of a sudden they have some new direct email to give me to some person at US Airways and all I have to do is leave my name the flight I was on what the situation was and give them a callback number and they'll get back to me within two days so this is the letter I sent them I said my name is William Burr I use William when I'm complaining I flew US Airways from Pittsburgh to Los Angeles connecting in Phoenix Arizona Sunday October 11th I paid the outrageous sum of $25 to have my first bag checked when I landed in Los Angeles I had to wait 55 minutes for my bag 55 is

capitalized as to stress that that is an outrageous amount of time anyways I said at no time during the hour-long wait did any employee of US Airways make any attempt to inform its customers as to what the problem was when I finally found an employee I was told that US Airways had employed a skeleton crew on this particular day in other words there were not enough people working that day to handle the workload hence my girlfriend had to pay for parking at the airport and we had to sit for almost an hour until the skeleton crew was able to get me get my bag to me I fly every other weekend and recently flew to Sweden with my

girlfriend on US Airways as a loyal customer I need some sort of gesture on your part to show that you respect the fact that I use your airline and that you care about the service that you provide provide therefore I feel I am entitled to a full refund of my $25 bag fee I would like to be contacted at this number between the hours of this and this this Thursday October 15th to resolve this matter sincerely William Burr blah blah blah blah blah blah all right so I'm all geared up I'm clearing my schedule for the four-hour window wait for this person to call fucking the next day I get an email dear mr. Burr

due to the circumstances you have described as a one-time courtesy I have authorized a refund of your baggage fee please allow up to 30 days for posting back to the original form of payment okay first of all what I love about this shit is they act like they're doing me a favor do the circumstances you have described as a one-time courtesy now this isn't a courtesy this is standard business but this isn't a one-time courtesy this is an every-time courtesy I'm never waiting 55 minutes for my bag that I pay 25 bucks for that's unacceptable it's unacceptable magic word people unacceptable but this is a

great thing about corporations even though I'm getting my money back they still gonna make me crawl through another hundred yards of shit this is the next paragraph while customer relations is unable to view our refund department's computer system you may check the status of your refund via our website click on the refund in inquiry ink link proceed to the check refund status link on the following screen input your 13 digit ticket number please direct all future refund status inquiries inquiries to our refund department so wait do I have to do all that shit to get my money back I guess

that's to view the status of it it's gonna take like a month so but anyways there you go so I did that I asked for my fucking money back that is James Brown on the background and I got my fucking 25 bucks back and I never quit sorry I thought the I'm mad King quicker I can never be a DJ these fucking assholes man I got my fucking money back I had to go through a bunch of ship and I'm telling you the key word is to say unacceptable it's fucking unacceptable and you know what it is unacceptable it's unacceptable that you got to pay $25 it's it's all bullshit they're charging $25 you know why because

American Airlines did it and they got away with it and nobody fucking complained I'm not saying you have to fucking complain but you should all right nobody is sticking up for regular fucking people and I hope this little story will encourage you to complain what is wrong with my voice I've done too many shows how many times it's gonna crack to complain when it's time to change and he fucking Brady bunch fans out there so there you go I got my fucking money back I guess although I have to check the status of it guarantee it I don't get it back and then I got to remind them oh yeah that's right then they sit in the

conference room Jesus Christ he's part of the point 1% who actually checked the status of his fucking refund so that's the new me that's what the new me does the new me when I get fucked by a corporation I do not lose my shit and curse the way I do on this thing that's why I love this podcast I just vent okay the new me is I basically I keep my cool and I just say that things are unacceptable and I want some sort of resolution that's what I want and if you can't help me if I would like to speak to the person above you if there's no more person above you I want the name and number and email of the person that I

can get in contact with okay so I can have a resolution to this problem I'm telling you that's the way you got to do it so if I was at that park I mean sometimes you got to let it go I mean you're at you're at an amusement park I gotta watch out my girlfriend's coming home gonna make sure mom's not here so I'll say cunt. What are mom's here? That wouldn't be good. Nino hey what's up are you by yourself? okay so I can say cunt and not offend your mother yes I am back I'm getting the doing the podcast that's what I'm doing where you coming from what do you mean you're not here what are you supposed to be in somebody else's podcast what are

you cheating on me okay what did you see you saw good hair was it a good movie what is it about is it about hair that's good oh my god I really enjoyed it people had good hair and other people didn't but in the end we realized aren't we all just people I might have good hair but you have a better shirt oh my god I have to call my brother well that's awesome so anyways I had I actually had a great week out here I was getting off the roads doing stand-up six of the last seven weeks so as I mentioned last week that my surprise from my lovely girlfriend was that I was gonna rent a Corvette convertible for the day yes

which is actually it was such a great gift because it was something that I could totally enjoy I'm gonna tell you something right now I know shut up you don't talk on the fucking podcast unless I talk to you what are you saying is that how you viewed that when I took you up to PCH the fucking Pacific Coast Highway people vacation they fly out here to do that and I took you up there in a Corvette convertible with the fucking top down like goddamn Steve McQueen we rode right up there we had a wonderful lunch we watched people surfing out the fucking window on a on a on a what on a Thursday most people are at work have I

spoiled you that bad that you take that for granted then why why why are you belittling me on my podcast listening to a try to worm her way out of this and then you come over and you kiss you and that makes it all better right get out of here see what you just I didn't have to do that I could have got that I could have gone I could have gone by myself huh you keep coming with me with that attitude like when I yeah I oh my god you really annoying me then we went to the Hollywood Hills and I took you like driving like fucking James Dean and we thought we were gonna go off the cliff but we didn't because those fat fucking

tires that at 22 times the size of the Prius now you didn't know it's what you did all of a sudden you started acting like oh yeah it was really a present for you yeah obviously it was something I know I wanted to do but I mean you get you get the fucking car how much fun did you have was that not one of the best fucking days you ever had yeah exactly we spent the day together and I spent all the money right yeah there you go I would have got all dolled up if someone's gonna take me for riding a Corvette convert I would have what a jerk all right I'm not gonna lie to you it was for me also there's one for you guys so

that's what you do next time a girl say you don't take me anywhere I'm telling you just go out and rent rent the fucking why guys need to hear that I'm balancing out the Oprah universe oh shut the door go fucking watch one of your dumb shows ten whores in a house what are you watching this week huh fucking 20 chefs try to compete to get the next fryer later job at TGI Fridays and they let themselves get belittled by some fucking chef because he has an accent you know what we ever have a fucking kid and he wants to be a chef and he goes on that show and he lets that guy that house kitchen guy talk to him that way and

not stab him with one of his ginsu's I will disown him as his son I'll disown him as his son he comes home and tells me he's gay whatever be who you are I don't give a shit but you do not let somebody fucking scream and yell you like fucking believe the way they do that I would make a fucking omelet all right cheese always holds its heat too and I just mush it right in the guy's face no I hate that show that show makes me fucking even angrier than I am what are you doing get the fuck out of the kitchen two inches from their face all right get out of here get out of the room all right you're fucking up the

podcast this is really going good it's going good no then then all of a sudden it becomes like we're like fucking George Burns and that that brought him married that died before him you know I love about George Burns his wife died before him that's a very rare thing you know what you guys usually outlive us it's an inspirational story kind of like when you watch that show with that chick who holds up the union sign remember her Billy Joe McIntyre what is her name what was her name Sally Field all right that's why I said Billy Joe but I was

talking about the actress get out of here it just fucking takes him forever do you know okay you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna tell the story about you me leaving today well then get out of here well grab your whole bag and get out get out get out of what are you doing yes can you close the door please see that I knew she was gonna say no I had to give her one little bit of a victory as she went to leave that's how you do it so anyway so I rent this fucking car right now those of you are new to my podcast thank you thank you sweetheart there's no reason to take the dog really that's gonna be like we get married someday we

get divorced is that like an omen calling our hairy kid out of the room all right let's plow ahead so yeah one one of the things I always wanted to do I've always loved always loved cars always loved the Corvette so I just said fuck it I'm gonna rent one cost 350 bucks for a day I know it's a lot of money all right but I'm telling you you're not gonna regret it I didn't regret one fucking dime of it it was one of the best days I ever had knees but even as a redhead in the goddamn desert I just put on some sunscreen I had a fucking hat I know I really just made myself look like a douchebag like I had a big fucking

straw hat I didn't I had a baseball hat on and it was just fun it was tremendous I can't even describe it going from a Prius to a Chevy Corvette it was just fucking awesome and and they only gave me 50 miles this is why I gotta love a recession I bumped it up to a hundred okay give me a hundred and I was about ready to say I'll pay you more and the guy goes alright I'll give you a hundred right and you'd be surprised a hundred hundred miles is a lot of fucking miles it's a lot more than it seems and but I actually learned something if I ever could afford that goddamn car I wouldn't get one out here because there's just

way too many people like during the day the fastest I could get the car going was 85 miles an hour and it was absolutely fucking terrifying because there were so many people on the road and fortunately I'm a 41 year old guy and I understand ramifications at least at that level and I'm just like this is stupid bill you're gonna hit somebody you're gonna kill them and your whole dreams gonna go down the toilet so I fucking slowed down but at night that's a different story night was a different story put the top down I went up the Hollywood Hills and I went through Mulholland where it's you know you feel

like you're on top of the world you know and I drove like an absolute maniac and scared the shit out of Nia but she liked it on some level just an unbelievable fucking car and I don't know why I you know it's that Catholic fucking upbringing bust my balls I work my ass off and I never get myself anything and finally I was like fuck this so I don't know long story short it was a great thing it's a great thing to do and you don't need to get the first you know the Ferrari just to let you know the Ferrari and a Lamborghini which you can fucking rent it's 1500 bucks for the day so this is what you can do you

can get you and 15 of you 14 of your closest friends you all go in in it for 100 that I would still suck then you only get out you get 100 miles divide by 15 Jesus Christ would you get four or five miles each that would suck that's gotta be a fucking way to do it it's gotta be a way to do it but I mean you get like a Porsche was like 900 that's ridiculous but the Corvette's 350 bucks okay you know stop drinking for like a month that'll pay for at least half of it if even if you go to a dive bar definitely definitely though that's my underrated underrated for this week underrated is is you know spending some

money on yourself for once if you're someone who doesn't do it so I know this whole podcast went off the fucking rails at some point Nia came in it really bugged me I'm sure that was actually I was actually for you that's some some level yeah obviously it was but it was something we did together right doesn't that matter you know I'm gonna tell the fucking story so we order the gym this morning I want to go watch the Patriots game Patriots won 59 to nothing by the way and I don't know you know I don't want to say I called it but I said Sanchez when they were saying the star is born because he beat the Titans in the

first fucking week I'm not saying that the guy's not gonna be a good quarterback but what the fuck is with the New York media with that schizo fucking reporting that they do this guy's the greatest fucking thing ever because he wins one fucking game and then they go three and oh and then they beat the Patriots when Brady still you know playing his first games after a year and a fucking half and did they destroy us they won like 13 to fucking seven and the fucking jet fans they're already talking Super Bowl and what happened huh you lost the last fucking three games in a row idiots get stupid fucking fireman they got to show

him every five fucking minutes it's just I hate people who dress up for football games which means I hate half the people in the Oakland Coliseum half of them are cool half of them look like Ken Stabler the other half I know I've talked about this before but I just don't understand it's like are you remaking the thriller video who do you think you're intimidating with your fucking plastic spikes coming out of your shoulder pads I had just why is my voice cracking shoulder pads anyways so there you go things are returning to normal in the AFC East and if you're a giant fan don't sweat that loss today I'm actually

actually predicting right now the Giants are gonna beat the Saints in the playoffs just because they've been there before and Tom Coughlin is a great coach and he's gonna use this loss to build on at the end of the day you got your ass kicked in October who you know who gives a fuck you're gonna be fine Eli has that I don't know I don't know to look at his face you wouldn't fucking think I told you he looks like that kid who comes to school every day and he always has a fucking cold there's just something about the way the helmet mushes his cheeks together that he just doesn't look like he's gonna get it done

but I'm telling you he just had a bad fucking game all right that's it let's get on with the questions for this week all right Bill I guess I have to jump right in this is kind of a long question here it's actually a story have there ever been times where you felt that you needed to be funny but the situation you were in just left you feeling completely uninspired like you had some unfunny script to work with or you were working in some situation where you looked at the material given to you and thought man there is no way I can make this funny yeah definitely especially with the acting stuff as I'm

not established as an actor so I basically take any audition I can let me read the rest of this I guess what brought this question about is that I recently graduated college and I'm attempting to make my way as a professional photographer since I'm graduating at such a great time that's obviously sarcasm I have been left with some less than ideal job offers I did however managed to grab a job working as a photographer in some studio at an upper-class mall in northern Virginia though I'm happy to have a job this new found position is made me realize that there is an entirely different dynamic

to being a professional creative person than I originally thought throughout my experience in photography I have always had full control over how things work I choose the people the locations how it's going to look and what kind of ideas are going to be conveyed but now I'm stuck in a limited studio shooting some of the most boring people you've ever seen your life but basically this guy used to take photos from an artistic standpoint and now evidently he's photo taking foot you know photos of people who I guess are the real-life version of the office anyways to get back to his question he goes I guess I feel that

this is a similar this is similar to comedy in that I I have always thought you have to kind of feel a joke when you're saying it if you're thinking about it then you probably already fucked it up do that's a great brilliant insight yeah that's exactly the way it is and there are times yeah I mean you know if I have an audition and the material is horrible what you what you do is you call it shining shit you go in there and you try to make it as funny as you can and I always think of Jim Carrey whenever I have a if it's like a comedy if it's a comedy audition and I just think it's really not funny I

usually start to improv and I don't know I always think of that beginning I think the most brilliant bit ever one of the most underrated bits ever is the beginning of Ace Ventura part 2 when he's in that fucking yak suit or water buffalo I don't know what he's in but he's filming some people doing some bad shit to animals and just basically what happens is all of a sudden the fan or something inside the fake yak breaks and he starts getting so hot because he's in the desert or whatever the fucking Serengeti he starts taking off all of his clothes and it's still hot he's literally butt-ass naked and the only

way to get out of this fucking yak is to come out the back and he literally it looks like this yak gives birth to a naked adult and the brilliance is he comes out the back and he literally falls on the ground the way I've seen a baby giraffe fall out of a mother giraffe and he's fucking totally naked it's it's one of the most brilliant fucking bits I've ever seen and it gets no respect whatsoever when people talk about comedy and that's one of those things I just look at and I'm like how did that how did that come about was he watching the Discovery Channel he saw a baby giraffe fall out of the back of it

and that got his mind going like what if I fucking fell out of the bag I don't like that's one of those like those are the most brilliant jokes to me where I can't even find the beginning point of it so anyways I kind of use that guy is like an inspiration like he would totally commit to shit there's like legendary stories they had a guy going on auditions wearing his clothes on backwards he did everything a lot of fearless stuff so if I was you and I was taking pictures of a bunch of boring people and my passion life was to be a photographer I would mock the silently mock the situation and I would put these

people in ridiculous poses that they didn't notice were ridiculous and I would secretly be keeping an album for yourself you know and keep some of the worst photos so as you're giving them the photos they want for their regional director of who gives a fuck you're actually building a coffee book table coffee book table a coffee table book to am I do I might fucking just dyslexic without even reading what did I say a coffee book table a coffee table book your own private one dude that would be a that's what you work on for in the future when you become a famous photographer and you need your and

you're telling your inspirational story of how you got where you're at is just start keeping this diary of horrific photo like photo shoots that you had to go on and you're gradually basically building a book you know so in the end when you have your famous ones of you know taking a picture of some Navy guy doing shit that you know nowadays would be sexual harassment just grabbing a woman and jamming your tongue down her throat I guess because you take it in black and white that that makes it art whatever when you get that fucking picture and you make a name for yourself you'll have all this you know kind of

like a comedian has like all this hell gig stories and I just don't know what the rule is with the rights you know do you have to the people have to sign off to be like in the book don't you have like some sort of form that you own the rights for all these or you work for these corporate cunts where they own everything fuck that just make one on the side that'll make your friends laugh so as you're taking pictures of these boring stupid ass-looking people in the back of your head there's a joy when it's awful because you're like oh that's gonna be a great one you know it's like back in the day when I used to work in

a dental office way back in the fucking day as I was you know certified to take x-rays of people they'd say something fucking stupid I would write it on the little manila envelope and I would later I would try it later on that night I used to get such a kick out of that that these people had no fucking idea that they were actually writing an act for me those are some of the my original jokes did I ever tell you some of my original jokes they were basically what the fuck was a joke I used to do I don't know what the problem is I mean I can't believe I got another cavity I

mean I brushed my teeth almost every day and that was such a great setup to my punchline my crude punchline of oh yeah do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit I had some clean ones back then I used to work clean one of my big laughs was four years of neglect is not cured by a tic-tac in the waiting room huh isn't that clever isn't that clever that was one of my earlier ones so that's what I did that's what I did so you're basically working in the dental office right now so what you do is you yeah he just you know do this just because you have this job doesn't mean you can't be doing something else on

the side that's what you do this is your hustle during the day you take pictures of fucking you know these boring ass people and then on on the side you do your other shit you know and then somehow the whole thing fucking comes together next thing you know it's Tuesday in the afternoon and you just decide I'm gonna rent a fucking Corvette and you go do it and life is great you know alright let's go to YouTube videos here's some three funny YouTube videos for the week alright search this search jack chop it's somebody doing a fucking great Boston accent it's actually a great Halloween video check that one out

here's another one to check out in quotes second check out a shake wait sh a ke wait w e i g h t and then for those of you who'd like to see a cute video check out search kick my ask like I'm gonna ask you a question it's an adorable kid absolutely adorable kid talking about monsters kicking her ass I think that's it I think that's it for the podcast this week I know it was a little bit short I got a little thrown off my girlfriend came fucking walking in and I kind of lost my whole train of thought about I was good and who I have no fucking game playing for these goddamn things I'm exhausted I have a bunch of shit I have

to do tomorrow I have to try to get some fucking health insurance as my health insurance ran out because I was on the road and I didn't make the payment and you have 8.2 days to make the payment so I'm just gonna say fuck it gonna try to get the best yeah it's such assholes I already called these fucking people up it's such a goddamn racket you know like even even I'm not even bummed out that I lost my health insurance because my health insurance basically covered everything except for what the fuck I went in for right so I call up blue cross blue shield and I say look I just want to be covered for some shit I don't give a

fuck how much it costs I said how about some dental I just want to be covered for dental cleanings yep all dental cleanings are are covered dental cleanings are are free you get two free cleanings a year or some shit and I'm like fantastic that's exactly what the hell I'm looking for so I can go to my dentist and get a free cleaning if I give you all this loot every month so technically it's not even free is that what the fuck you're telling me well yeah they're part of the fucking provider fucking cuntie fuck fuck right and I find out they're not and basically that they that if they're not part of their

list of dentists that I can go to what they basically the money that they give is $55 for a cleaning all right I don't know what state you guys live in but there's no place in Los Angeles that I can get a cleaning for $55 that is not in a strip mall and the person speaks fucking broken English it's such a it's such a fucking scam you know what you're doing you're paying the big just in case you get hit by a helicopter or some bullshit but other than that it's the biggest fucking scam on the planet you know buddy of mine told me a long time ago you go to the city what are the two tallest buildings you always see yeah you

know they're owned by banks and they're owned by insurance companies and they don't get that way by fucking paying people somebody sent me a great video clip to about the microchips about them microchipping people for all you guys who think I'm a crazy fucking conspiracy theorist just go on the YouTube go on the YouTube go on YouTube and check out just search microchips human beings and look at some of the shit that they have coming out I wish I wish I could find where the fucking link was they showed this creepy commercial of all these old people whose entire medical history is on and is on a microchip that's in them

and the doctor scans them and you know of course they've fallen down so they can't explain what's wrong with them but he just scans them and oh thank God they they have a microchip in them so I know exactly what to do for him and there's all these people sitting there you know giving the thumbs up and it's really warm and fuzzy and it's delivered at this speech where it causes you to stop thinking I'm telling you it's it's you feel like they're trying to hypnotize you it's all part of the end game people this is where I go off the rails and I lose most listeners it's all part of this new world order shit where they're

gonna have one world government one world fucking bank and everything you ever fucking did is gonna be on this microchip all your money everything all you people out there who are accepting direct deposit don't fucking do it go down there cash part of your check use cash don't get lulled into this oh yeah it's easier to use your car I'm telling you that they're funneling the herd right down the chute they want them to go into and I'm telling you we're all gonna be fucking microchipped and then those you think those guys have us by the balls now if everybody is microchipped and you can track where everyone is and all

your money and financial shit all your information is on a microchip that is in you the second you fuck with the deal and you start complaining too much all they have to do is turn off your chip and you'll instantly be homeless and you you can't revolt anymore and I'm sure they'll have degrees of it they'll be the first warning shut off where they shut off like two-thirds of your fucking bank account disappears or something like that I'm telling you guys that's that's way too much fucking power I mean I don't know how to stop it but this is just fucking crazy shit I really believe that I want to get into it I just I

think we're headed towards some crazy shit I suggest all of you rent a Corvette now while you still can get yourself a pit bull like me I don't know get some powdered food and get a gun I wish I I wish I grew up with guns you know I wish you had a fucking gun what are you gonna do you can't fight it you can't fight it because when the shit goes down they're gonna sick your own fucking people on you whatever organization they have I don't want to shoot a cop that's what I'm gonna do just some regular guy doing his job I don't fucking do that when they round you up do I sound fucking crazy I should because I just made a huge

leap right there where I would end up shooting a cop I didn't explain like 40 other things in that scenario how that ends up going down I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about I just know there's a bunch of crazy shit that's going on I don't know how to link it together why do I have to be microchipped in the future why do they have to know where I'm at at all fucking times and they keep selling it to me like they're trying to protect me they're not they're trying to get full fucking control over me and I don't like it the same way I don't like that bitch telling me to eat that fucking blue cake I don't want you

up my ass I'll defend myself thank you very much there's enough control right now there is enough control that's it you already got those awesome planes we can fly it at 2,000 feet nobody even knows and they can see if you just you guys did you see that I'm 60 minutes one of the coolest things ever how they're killing those fucking terrorists over there they're doing it like right out of like right out there and like the Mojave Desert is some shit I don't know I think it's cool as hell that aspect of it you know as long as they're shooting terrorists I have no fucking problem but I don't trust banks as far as you can

fucking throw them and I think they're just slowly taking over the goddamn world I'm telling you people read up on them just read up on banks I'm too fucking stupid to explain this to you but read this book the case against the Fed and just really read what the Federal Reserve is man it's really a frightening fucking thing this is why I want somebody to answer to me where did all the gold go that's what I want to know you know back in the day gold was used as money but it was too heavy was inconvenient and it was it was it was it was dangerous to carry so the banks go we'll tell you what give us give us your

gold and when you give me we'll give you these pieces of paper that will represent the gold and anytime you want you can bring the pieces of paper in the cash and you can get your gold and at some point they took us off the gold standard but they kept the fucking gold they kept the gold they've never been audited and they can't be audited the way they're set up they can never be audited so do you honestly think that that gold is sitting there in Fort Knox I don't think it is I really don't I don't think it is I think it's just it's fucking paper and it's the greatest crime in modern history they got

everybody to come down to the banks and give them their fucking life savings and they kept it and in return they gave people pieces of fucking paper that's basically what's going on and now they can invent more pieces of paper it's why how did I get on this how did I get into this I don't know I got into this the fucking lady with the blue cake pissed me off anyways that's the podcast for this week oh I know what I forgot to bring up you know something I love I if you're still listening to this right now I love you for listening to this because I know why you're listening to this it's like a train wreck it's just

fun to just sit here and listen to me fucking slowly lose my mind and my little compound here this is the deal this week I'm gonna be at the DC improv the improv in Washington DC for those of you who are geographically challenged and as of about four days ago all my shows are sold out there and in the business that's called going clean I went clean Thursday Friday and Saturday one show Thursday two shows Friday two shows Saturday sold them all out ridiculous support out there so I got a lot of emails of people saying you know I've had half a brain what I hyped this in the beginning rather than talking

about this check with the blue cake so we added a second show a late show Thursday night and I'm really looking forward to that because what kind of a person goes out to the late show to a comedy club on a Thursday night you know what my kind of person okay the kind of person who maybe doesn't like their job you know or maybe feels that they're not getting paid the way they should be paid and maybe they've done enough work for the week thank you very much you know I wrote a whole list of it came up with ten reasons why someone would come out to see me on a late show your boss is one of the three people in America that

actually caught the swine flu so now it doesn't matter what that when you fucking roll in at 11 the next fucking day you know was that three reasons let's see if I can get up to 10 because you got to go to 10 for your your fucking your boss and you got him by the balls so you can go see a late show or your boss is married and you know who he's fucking and he knows that you know so you can kind of you got you got a little more freedom what is that six you're unemployed and you're good at sneaking into comedy clubs I don't fucking know I'm out of it all right that's it that's the fucking podcast for this week thank

you everybody for listening this one really was a clusterfuck but I hope so you got something out of it as far as like complaining you can't get your money back you just have to say it's unacceptable it's unacceptable just alright I've already said this ten fucking I can't get out of this you know what it is too is I closed the windows in my room here because I curse a lot and it's hot as fuck right now and I'm literally sitting here sweating like I feel like I'm in a bunker right now you know and this country's been taken over by the fucking world's been taken over by aliens and I'm just leaving this

hoping that somebody's gonna survive like Lee majors in that movie where he drives the race car all right that's it that's that's the last feeble attempt I'm gonna make it comedy are you getting a good chuckle out of this huh this is you know there's a certain kind of comedy fan out there that just really enjoys train wrecks so I dedicate the last 47 minutes of this podcast the first two minutes were good and that's it that's a podcast for this week and now you know why it's free if you cannot make it out to the second show in Washington DC I don't know what to tell you because I'm sold up for the week but

fear not I have other shows I'm gonna be at the Town Hall in New York City that one might also that one's coming very close to selling out and that's gonna be a great night it's gonna be me Paul Verzi and Joe DeRosa New York City that's a huge night for me Manhattan New York City selling out of fucking theater would be unbelievable so if you got some scratch you want to come down and see my new hour please check that one out after that I'll be at the Improv in Tempe Arizona on November 19th 20th and the 21st after that I'll be at Hilarides in Cleveland Ohio in the beginning of December and giggles in

Seattle go to billbird.com BURR to get all the information and if you'd like to have more advanced notice on my shows just sign up for my mailing list under the city that you're from and I will basically I only send emails when I'm coming to your city I don't spam people occasionally if I'm on TV maybe I'll send you an email but even then it's 50 50 but don't feel like if you sign up that I'm just gonna be going I'm not gonna Twitter you you know every five seconds being like oh god I just had a cheese sandwich what is up with cheese these days is it fucking bull I won't do that to you okay so please sign up for

it and that's it thanks for listening to the podcast thanks for all the questions God bless you and do something for yourself this week and if you get fucked by corporation it's unacceptable remember that all right take it easy it's hard to believe it's hard to believe once in a lifetime down on my knees down on my knees well down on my knees once in a lifetime wake to that and dream of the angel

the sin of the saint once in a lifetime dealers got 20 walls broken maybe it's fate once in a lifetime you put the hand on down the back down and gave it away once in a lifetime

got your eyes wide open the moment that you could be saved then you walk it out once in a lifetime once in a lifetime wake to that and dream of the angel once in a lifetime wake to that and dream of the angel

it's hard to believe it's hard to believe once in a lifetime I'm Ramadan with the amazing and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn and check out the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be That's it from Albert Heijn