Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-20-16

Episode Date: October 21, 2016

Bill rambles about credit, treading water and angry Karaoke.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you, seeing how your week's going. What are you doing? Are you driving home? This podcast is a little late today. I was flying to Nashville. You're driving home. Why don't you, you know, one of the things you should do is just try to take a deep breath and just, you know, let people in. That just makes it go by so much nicer. Be a courteous driver. Don't be a smirteous driver. You always have to fucking rhyme. You know what I mean? I love when they do show you rhyme stuff. It's easy to remember. They just treat you like

a fucking child. Speaking of which, speaking of which, I just had a fucking credit card shut off on me because when I was in Europe, I missed the fucking payment. I was gone for like a month, but I came back. I paid him right back. And then I don't know what the fuck I left my house, getting a kitchen done, something happened, blah, blah, blah, blah. Boo, I didn't get there in time. And they were just like, yeah, go fuck yourself. You missed two payments in six months. So they're like, so like, if you want to reapply, it's like, I don't want to reapply. Just turn the fucking thing back on. I sent, I gave you all the money. You got it in your thing. You just wait for the check to clear. And the first lady said

that they were going to turn it back on, you know, after I talked to them for like, like an hour, not an hour. It felt like an hour. It was probably like eight minutes. That's not true. It was the usual bullshit. You know, you get on there and it's just like, hi, who am I speaking with? And then I always say my name and they go, what's your zip code? I tell them that and they go, Hey, what's, what's, what's the name of your first gold fish? I fucking tell them that, right? And then they go, okay, what's the problem? I go, well, the problem is this. And they go, well, that's not my department. I'm going to transfer you. And then they transfer you to somebody else. And they just go, hi, who

am I speaking with? It's like, bitch, I just fucking talk. I just gate. Why did I have to give it to the first person? Why doesn't the first person just fucking say, what is your problem? Okay. And then they go, Oh, well, that's not my department. So I'm not going to fucking waste any of your time or my time getting all this information up by the time I get to the person that I want to talk to, they'll be like, yeah, who am I speaking with? I'll be like, William, you know, I, but you know, I've been doing all right with the temper. I've been, you know, I've been, I've been doing all right. So I just told the lady, I just said, listen, I do a lot of business for you. But the problem is, is I pay mine off at the

end of every month, because I don't want to pay any fucking interest, which is why my credit is only fair. I have fair credit because they don't make any fucking, they don't make the amount of money that they want. They want me running on that fucking wheel until I die. And I just don't do it. So they punish me. Why don't I give a shit? You know, so now I got to reapply. So I told them, I said, look, I'm not doing business with who's Mastercard. I'm like, I'm not doing business with you guys anymore. And the whole time I'm trying to threaten them and puff up my chest. I'm like, these people do billions and billions of dollars worth of business a month. Do they think you think you, they give a fuck? That's

your pasty freckled ass is just going to go over to Visa. I mean, within five years, Visa is going to buy a Mastercard, a Mastercard is going to buy Visa. We'll be all down to one world fucking bank. Oh my God, in the future. Jesus. Can you imagine that phone call? It's going to be ridiculous. They don't even give a fuck now. I can't imagine what it's just going to be down to one goddamn bank. I don't know, but the other day it was my fuck up. And I guess they have an algorithm. And if you missed two of them, oh Jesus Christ. So now I got to apply for a fucking credit card. I don't even know how to do that. Back in the day, you went to the bank and you got a form. I'm sure now it's all done online.

I'm sure I could Google it. I'm sure I could make my life easy and just fucking Google the goddamn thing, but I don't want to do it, you know, fucking fucking, you know, fucking goddamn Nashville. It's like a, maybe I could write a country song about losing my fucking credit card. I'll go down to one of these honky-tonks down here. That's what they really even are. I guess they're not, are they? Anyway, so I stayed in this hotel in Washington, D.C. that I actually really liked, but in the hotel, it's the hotel liaison on New Jersey Avenue and Avenue D. And I'm walking in, right? I check in, everything's fine. Well, I wasn't finding the computers were down, but the staff was just right there. But on the wall, they

got this picture of this old guy. And by old, I mean, he's probably about seven years older than me. So he's really fucking old, but not like he's not going to die soon. He's just, you know, the creepy guy at Hooters, right? So he's got the male pattern baldness thing going on. He shaved his head down. He was doing the best he can, you know, and he's standing there in this trench coat and he's smoking a fucking cigar. So my God, that's a cool picture. Maybe they got a cigar lounge here or something like that. I don't know what the fuck's going on. So then I get in the elevator and I go up to my floor. I was staying on the fucking sixth floor and it's just a series of pictures of this guy. I go

up to the gym and it's just him smoking the cigar. It's the cigar basically trying to be the most interesting man in the world. It's the weirdest fucking photo shoot. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? Is the guy on the hotel? Nobody at the fucking hotel knows who he is. Then they have this giant photo of him. And it looks like he's standing outside of the White House gate, like some really official looking building. And he's sitting there in his trench coat and he's looking at his phone and this is, you know, this drop dead gorgeous 20 something standing there in like sort of a business suit, but it's like Hillary Clinton on top, but then like a mini skirt. And then she has like high

heels and she's sitting there looking frustrated. Like there's nothing more she wants in the world than this man's attention. And he doesn't have time for it because he's trying to figure out the fucking world. So if anybody knows, somebody must ask the question. Maybe it's on the internet. Who the fuck is that guy? And why didn't he run for president? Because he would fit in tremendously with those two fucking nitwits from last night. By the way, I didn't watch a second of it because I was on stage doing my last show before I take my special tomorrow night. And to be honest with you, the two of them discussed me so much that I didn't even, it didn't even dawn on me to fucking watch it. And I actually,

I caught the end of the Cubs game and what were they up like fucking 10 to two? You know, it's funny is I hate Donald Trump, but I got to tell you something. His fucking hotel is the shit. And it looks like a giant castle. And me and Bartnick went in there to drink. And I was hoping there was going to be a bunch of people in there talking about Trump and I was going to fuck with them and act like I was into Hillary. But it's tremendous, man. I felt like I was on the fucking Titanic. It was absolutely beautiful. It used to be an old post office or something like that. So, you know, anyway, so I went in there and watched the fucking, and there's probably some psycho people out there like, huh, I wouldn't spend a fucking diamond. Good, good. I'm glad you

wouldn't. I'm glad you wouldn't. I'm glad you wouldn't. And I'm glad you weren't there. All right. There was this Asian dude walking around and he had like this fucking, he had this sport coat on that was like, there was blue with white stars, like the American flag. And then his pants were like, almost like what the Indiana Hoosiers wear their warmups. It's a red, so he's dressed like the American flag. And he was walking around doing this dead on Donald Trump impression. It was actually fucking funny as hell. So we had a good time hanging out there. And I got to watch the end of the Cubs game. So now it's two, two. And I don't know, like the fucking World Series, the most interesting World Series is the Cubs versus the fucking Cleveland Indians. And I didn't want

the Cubs to go down three, one as much as I liked the Dodgers. I always liked the Dodgers because I hated the Yankees when I was a kid. And we could never beat them. So then the Dodgers would always meet him in the World Series. And I watched him lose in 77, 78. And then finally get him in 81. And as I mentioned before, Tommy John, who the surgeries named after was pitching for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 77, 78, lost to the Yankees. He goes to the Yankees. And in 1981, they meet the Dodgers and the Dodgers beat the Yankees. It was like when, who was that guy? What the fuck is his name? Mario, he just scored his 500 fucking goal in hockey. When he fucking, he was on, he was on the pens and they lost to the fucking Red Wings. Why do I keep thinking Dominik Hasek?

It's something begins with an M. I'm the worst dude. The second the fucking season's over, I forget everybody's fun. This is ridiculous. This guy's like a superstar. And I haven't been able to watch any games, although the NHL actually reached out to me to tell me how to watch the games on the internet. And I thought I was gonna say the analogy would be like when that guy played with the penguins, lost to the Red Wings next year, was on the Red Wings and then lost to the penguins, then the next year he went to the Blackhawks. And I remember talking about that on the podcast, going, this guy loses three different years in the fucking finals on three different teams, three years in a row. I don't think that would have ever happened. Jesus, that was a long fucking

way to go. Anyways, plowing ahead here. So congratulations to the Cleveland Indians. Holy shit, the Cavaliers win the championship. And now you guys are in the World Series, just mowing down the competition. You sweat my Boston Red Sox, three games to none, my Boston Red Sox, where I've not watched religiously since 2010, the tail end of the steroid fucking shit, I just got sick of it. But I'm coming back though. I always come back in October. And then they beat the Blue Jays, four games to one. So you gotta be asking yourself, if I was Terry Francona, first of all, I'd get on the treadmill, all right? He's looking a little swollen. All right, but other than that, I would want to play the World Series in like two

days. I would want to just keep fucking moving along, keep it moving rather than everybody's sitting around fucking cooling off a little bit. So this is going to be the big battle, the battle between the team that hasn't won in 108 fucking years versus the team that hasn't won in close to 60. So I guess you're supposed to be for the Cubs. It'd be great to see the Cubs, but also be great to see the Indians. You know, I had family out there when I was growing up in Ohio. And you know where the Cubs lost me? I don't know if I brought this up. I talked about this on the sports junkies in DC. They lost me with the Steve Bartman thing. The way they went after that guy was the exact same way every other fucking city would have, including Boston.

But the thing was, the Cubs had like that fucking, you know, I don't know, the, you know, hey, let's play two. And you know, we just, you know, we just root for him with a lovable losers. They had like that thing, like despite the fact that they were losing, they had this happy go lucky sort of vibe about him. And the way they went after that guy, the way they put his fucking phone number out there, it's like, these guys are just a bunch of fucking animals. The same way they would have done that in Boston. You know, at least we yelled at a player, you know what I mean? We went after Bill Buckner, that poor bastard had to move to like fucking Idaho. So anyways, let's, I'm just bullshit here. Let's get down to what the fuck I need to talk about here. I am in

Nashville right now. I just moved the computer. I hope this isn't going to make too much noise. I'm doing my special tomorrow. And I want to thank everybody who's been coming out to my shows during the writing of this, not really writing the fucking spewing it out on stage. So tomorrow night is the big fucking thing, right? So all week, I was just almost like wanting to just get past doing the special. Right? Let me just set this down. I was just looking at it with like, dude, once I fucking do that special, I don't have shit for the rest. I'll do comics, come home with Dennis Leary and those guys. That's my only other gig. And I'm just fucking home. I'm going to cook up a storm. I'm going to fly helicopters. I'm going to play drums. I'm going

to edit this fucking series. I'm not doing fucking shit. And, you know, there's always a pressure whenever you're doing a special. And I was kind of dreading it. And it finally hit me last night, you know, because I'm never like working on my act. I'm just having fun. But this weekend was like, I got to get this thing down from two hours down to about a button, you know, an hour and a half, 120 somewhere in there, which I was able to do. But just like my whole approach was it was just getting too fucking robotic. And last night on stage, I was just like, like, you never know what you're going to say when you walk out there. I mean, you know what your bits are, but you just fuck around, just do that. And I did that. And I was able to kind of get into the zone. So I've

never done that on a special or whatever. So I think I'm going to try at least to be in that head space and maybe try to try to remember to enjoy it, which I know I'm going to. But I got tonight off. I kind of wish I didn't. I think, you know, like, I feel like the fucking Indians. I hope I don't cool off here. But I'm really fucking psyched, man. I'm going to get this thing finally recorded. I should have recorded it months ago. And it's going to be this big fucking weight off of my chest. And then I can, you know, I told you, my favorite thing ever, my favorite thing ever is the day after the special, you got no jokes. And I get to start it all over again. You know what I mean? It's like taking a bunch of shit to Goodwill and getting that the fuck out of there

before you buy a bunch of more shit that you don't need, right? And then you fucking start all over again. It's probably a bad analogy. But anyways, I made a ton of noise there, but I do have to touch the computer when I go to look for shit here. All right. So although even though I've watched I've watched a bunch of highlights, you know, of the NHL coming up so far. And what I've realized, and as Joe Bartnick told me, you know, the worst thing the Bruins basically did the worst fucking thing that you can do if you're trying to rebuild your team. All right. The last two years in a row on the last day of the season, we got bounced out of the playoffs. We were like the number ninth fucking position. So not only do we not get a good draft pick,

we lose out on all playoff revenue money. It just sucks. And we've done it two years in a row. And, you know, a couple years ago, or I guess last year, when we fucking dealt everybody away to clear money for the fucking salary cap or whatever the fuck we were going to do, you know, we haven't made any fucking exciting moves. It just looks like it's going to be more the same where we're going to be struggling, where our big three, Marshawn, Chara and Bergeron are going to try to get us there again. And I don't know. It's just like Toronto did it smart. Toronto just fucking gave away the farm, shit the bed. And now they got this Austin Matthews guy to build around. Winnipeg did the same thing. And now they got this fucking guy, which you look at

his name, and I don't even know how to say it. Like I already forget his fucking name, but he's a monster. He had a hat trick. It's like the two of them all of a sudden, it's just like, are these the new guys? I mean, I don't know. It's really early, but it's just like they're looking like, I don't know. It's like, did another Crosby, another Lemieux, another fucking, you know, Timu Salani, whatever, some big fucking Ovechkin gold scoring guy. Did we miss out on that guy again? You know, we've never had that guy. We've never had that guy. The closest we ever had to that guy, we had Bobby Orr. He was a fucking defenseman. We've never had the fucking guy. Wait, Phil Esposito, I'm sorry, but that was before my time. Well, since I've been watching him,

since Ray Bork had the Mustache and War Number Seven in 1979, 8081, right around there when I started watching, we've never had the fucking guy. Just never get the fucking guy. Just don't understand. You know, we suck at, we suck at sucking at the right time, it seems. So I don't know, it's gonna be a, I don't know, but they, but we do have the right coach. So I don't know, settling in, settling into another fucking season, we'll see how it goes. You know, looks like Montreal made some great fucking moves, prices back, healthy as hell. I don't know, we'll see, we'll see. I'm thinking of hanging around tomorrow night and going to that Predators, Penguin's game with Bartnick. So if

you're going down there, maybe I'll see you down there, get to see PK Subban and all that shit could be a good fucking time. So I don't know how much fucking time I've done here. Let me, let me read a little advertising. All right, Lyft, everybody. You know about Lyft, right? Do you know about Lyft? It's that app that gets you a ride in minutes on demand 24 seven for less than the cost of a cab. A lot of fuck do they do that. Cabs are pretty cheap, aren't they? I don't know, we got to buy them a Dallion, maybe that's the fucking overhead. As opposed to just having some guy get, hey, I'll get in the car with you. If you've tried Lyft, you know what I mean. With Lyft, you just download the app, request a driver and they show up in three and a half minutes on

average. That's really fast. I don't get why they can do that in taxis camp. Every Lyft driver is fully vetted through that 10 point safety standard. Oh, I take it back. This isn't like Uber, where you fucking get in with the former serial killer, right? Is there such a thing? He hasn't killed in a while. Oh my God, they actually do a background check. I'm going to use this shit, including criminal and DMV background checks. You'll get around quickly in safety. Lyft drivers are rated after every ride, so only the best stick around. You don't have to worry about getting into a filthy car with some creepy dude. With Lyft, you can tip in the app, which obviously leads to happier drivers. I mean, nine out of 10 Lyft riders get a perfect five star rating from the passengers.

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well, because I'm sober. It's a fucking scary time out there. All right. Right now, Lyft is offering our listeners a special deal. Get three free rides up to $10 each. That's up to a $30 value when you enter the promo code, Bill Burr, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R, all one word, all capitals. Just download the free Lyft app today and enter the promo code, Bill Burr. Like I said, two seconds ago in the payment section, you'll start with three free rides up to $10 each and that's up to a $30 value. That's promo code, Burr. Enter promo code, Burr. All right. Petnet. Petnet, man. Do you ever wonder if you're overfeeding your pet? No, if it becomes a fat fuck, I can kind of see it, right? This got to be a reason for this. Sure, studies show feeding your pet the right amount every day would

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All right, what the fuck? How many more of these are there? We got two more. Well, I'm not reading those now. I'm going to give you a break for my fucking awful reading out loud skills, or the lack thereof. So anyways, I got myself into stand-up special shape. I'm going to keep fucking going right through to Thanksgiving. And as mentioned, hey, I'm going to be doing a benefit, the Camille Dennis Leary benefit in Boston. I believe that's Saturday, November 12th. Tickets are on sale. And about this time next month, this time next month, the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit will be going down again. I'll be announcing the lineup in about three weeks. I know I got a spot coming up on

Conan O'Brien, I think on November 9th. And one of the promotional things is going to be that. And it's one of my favorite things of the year. I get to see all these comics that always headline, so I never see them. And so it's become like this sort of stand-up comedy, like fucking high school reunion thing. I always get to see his mom, Patrice's family. It's just, it really is a fucking great event. And this year, I think I'm actually going to do a little more press on it because at first, I never did any press. It's a long story as to why I didn't. I didn't because I was pissed, basically. Because the first year, we were going to have a benefit and the industry was going to put it together. And it was all set to come together. All right?

And then all of a sudden, it went away, which is an expression in the entertainment business. What happened? Hey, I thought I was doing that thing. It went away. It went away. Like, what the fuck does that mean? And I'm not going to tell you the reasons why it went away, but it was infuriating. So I just said, fuck this. And whatever. I got help with the right people. And I was so pissed that it went away the first time that I was like, fuck this. We don't need advertising. I got Colin Quinn. I got Jim Norton. I got Opie and Anthony behind this fucking thing. And I thought it was a great, like, sort of tribute in a way to Patrice that his name alone would sell out this theater, you know, the love that people had and all of that. And he was always,

like, underground, you know, all these people that were getting accolades, like, oh my God, she's the best. He's the best, blah, blah, blah. And everybody who was doing it knew he was the best. So I thought it was kind of a cool way to do it. But now what I'm seeing is now that he's been gone, unfortunately, coming up on five years, I think it's important that, you know, to get his name out there and stuff like that. So I'm just going to maybe do a little bit of press this time around and tell some stories and that type of stuff about, you know, how fucking truly amazing that guy was. So before the tickets even go on sale, once again, I want to thank everybody. You know, there's people that we meet after the show that have come almost every year. A few people have

come every single year. And like, other than paying for the, to rent the place out, all the proceeds have gone to his family and they've been able to do wonderful things, everything from sending his stepdaughter to private school and his, you know, his mother has a nice place to live. And she doesn't have to worry about anything. So like, you know, it's just one of those things like I always hated, I always hated when somebody passed and then you do like one benefit for their surviving family members and everything. It's like, well, here you go. Here's this sack of money. Try to make this last for another fucking 40 years. You know, so I don't know. That's, that's like, that's a big fucking deal. So anyways,

anyways, I think I'm about all talked out. I think I've done a half hour. I have no fucking idea. If I haven't done a half hour, I'm just going to speak to you the way that they did, the credit card people speak to you. It's just like, well, I'm sorry, you're confused. They said that to me. It's like, I'm not confused. I'm telling you what you told me. Well, I'm sorry. It's like, you're not sorry. Stop saying you're sorry. I just started saying it back to us. Like, you're literally like talking to a robot. I go, I'm sorry that you're sorry, that I'm sorry, that I'm confused, even though I'm not, but maybe you are, but you're not going to take responsibility for that. You know, I was really off my game. I should have, like,

just asked to speak to somebody above them. I don't know. Let me just read the last advertising because evidently I got to spend the next fucking hour trying to figure out how to apply for a credit card online, which I'm sure there's no fucking safety risk there. You know, probably have to go to some website and fucking type in my social security number and all that shit. Fuck that. Fuck that. We should just go back to trading. You know what I mean? You know, back in the day when someone come to town and some of you like, hey, is that a turnip? And you'd be like, why? Yes, yes, it is. It's like, you want a pair of boots? You'd be like, yeah, I'd love a pair of boots. Give me four turnips. Ah, man, I can't give you that. That's

two turnips a boot. Come on. All right. Let me, let me give about three. I'll give you three. These are big fucking turnips, by the way, and people's diets were very limited too. So I think if you showed up with the fucking turnip, everybody was excited. You know what I mean? So if you just made that a little more modern, it'd be like, hey, man, is that an iPhone? Yeah, all right, I'll give you my hoodie. You want a hooded sweatshirt with whatever may or may not be in the front pockets? There's some degenerate gambler that would try to take that fucking, what if it's something good, man? Anyways, all right, Jesus Christ, Bill. Just read the fucking last two and put this podcast out of its fucking misery. I don't think I've ever been less funny

on a fucking podcast. You know, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like such a self-sabotaging cunt. I got this big gig coming up. I wasn't supposed to drink this week. I fucking drank every night. I smoked four fucking cigars. I stayed out till three in the morning. I was hanging out with Trump supporters. I was hanging out with cigars, fucking people. You know what I realized was I should have hung out with Hillary supporters. They would have been more fun to annoy because Trump supporters, they don't give a fuck. They're all knees and elbows. You know what I mean? They're too dumb to get fucking annoyed. I wasn't even trying to do that. Actually, I met great people down there that night, but the Hillary people were just, oh, that would have been fun.

It's fun because you can hit them on two different levels. You can annoy them politically, and then you can also be like chauvinistic and sexist. You can just throw all of that in, which always goes back to that fucking prank I wanted to do with Patrice O'Neill. And anybody out there can steal this if you want to. In the late 90s, when we were struggling, no one knew the fuck we were. I came so close to convincing him to do it, and at the last second, he didn't want to do it. We were going to go on to Judge Judy, and either he was going to sue me or I was going to sue him, and it didn't matter because whoever won, like whatever, even if they made him pay me, I'd just give him the fucking money back or vice versa. But we were going to go on

there, and we were just going to try to see how mad we could make her. And we would act dumb so that would feed into her fucking ego. And the one thing that I knew I was going to do, but I didn't know if I could keep a straight face was when she yelled at me at one point, I was supposed to be like, hey, lady, lady, lady, lady. Like that alone, she would have blown a fucking gasket. And as long as I acted dumb enough, I don't know, because it was like the height of those judge shows and just annoyed me how they were always grandstanding, yelling at these fucking simpletons, like they were the smartest person on the planet. It's like, you know, if you were really smart, you'd probably still be a judge, wouldn't you? Well, actually, maybe they are smart because then they

got out of the judicial system and they got their own fucking judge show. But then that would mean that fucking Dr. Phil is really smart, which I'm sure he is. Dude, Dr. Phil, I swear to God, doesn't he look like he strangles puppies? He just seems like he has like the most horrific fucking temper like he should have been one of those like if he ever got like an acting gig, like he would be like a great like remember sling blade? When in the end, when he's in that home, that insane asylum and that fucking weirdos talking to him, he would have been great as that, you know? Like I look at that guy and I swear to God, like I just he probably does that Phil Specter shit. Remember his poor woman is, you know, he probably sticks a gun in her mouth,

you know, because they're out of ketchup. That's what he strikes me as. He looks like a dirty cop to me. Anyway, that was a little comedy. All right, all right, let's read the last few of these. All right, simply safe. Oh, fuck, I almost forgot to tell you guys this. So I, you know, I'm just sick of all the areas that I am that I'm in on the internet. I go to the same fucking four websites and one of them I just got boxed out of one of them was Facebook. I went to change my password and they set us for security purposes. We've blocked your account. We just need some information out of you. So we know it's you and they try to get, they try to get me to give them that my passport or my birth certificate. That's like, dude,

you're a social media site. I'm not giving you this stuff. Go fuck yourself. So now I'm officially off Facebook. I don't know how to get back in the day. We changed your password. They just sent you an email. That was it. And now they're trying. They just keep trying to get more information out of you. Like, if you notice this new thing, if you valet a car, like they go, just text us, you know, just text this number off your cell phone. So then they get your cell phone number. Do they have your name though? I don't know. I just don't want people having my fucking phone up. Like, I wish there would be a big backlash to this shit where, you know, when you walk into a rental car and they're like, how did you hear about us? And people like, well, I was talking

to my mother, you know, where does your mother live? Can we have a phone number? What's her address? And they just will ask and ask and ask until you go, Hey, I don't think that's any of your fucking business. And then they go, okay. And then you realize, wait a minute. So there's other five things that I just gave you that was optional too. But anyways, yeah, I'm not on. So I got sick of being on the same four or five websites. I go on to Facebook. I go on to YouTube. I'd be on Twitter. And, you know, football and hockey season, AFTEL.com, NHL.com. And then one of three porn sites when I'm on the road, right? So Facebook is gone. I'm done with internet porn. I've tried quitting this like heroin, like 50, like how do you not watch fucking hot chicks

banging? I mean, how do you not fucking watch it? I never should have opened that Pandora's box. So anyways, I'm trying to stay away from that. So then I was thinking, I need some new fucking websites here, new places to go. So I just looked up the top 20 in all of them, you know, it was like Google, YouTube, half of the ones where I was on, except the number three one that I went on that one, it was some fucking website from China. So I've actually been on their websites. So I'm sure they stole a bunch of shit from me or I'm on some sort of watch list now. So my question to you guys is, if you know any decent like websites that just, I don't know, that has some cool content or whatever that I can go to, because I'm, I don't know, I'm kind of sick of the ones that I'm going

to. Oh, but what I was going to say was I went down this rabbit hole when I was on YouTube, like I never got into punk music and I just keep hearing like more and more like, like as deep as I went was like butthole surfers like rancid. I like those guys that like crossed over, you know what I mean? Into the mainstream, which I'm sure all punk rockers were saying, but whole surfers are fucking punk. These people are, I know, and this isn't jazz, and that's not real fucking country music and all your fuck you and the posters on your wall. All right. I'm new to this shit. So I just went down this rabbit hole and I was just kind of like, well, what's what's hardcore punk versus regular punk, you know, and then, you know, I was watching

this interview with like one of the guitarists and rancid and he brought up that he liked music like oh, I am like, what the fuck is that? And it was a kind of punk music. I was like, I never heard of that shit. And then I just looked it up and and I found all these fucking bands and then it just went down this fucking. I don't know. I lost like three hours of my life. See, I found this band sham 69 and they were playing live and do their frontman is fucking unbelievable. Like I was watching this guy going like this guy should be considered one of the great frontman. He threw one song. I was like, I would have loved to been at that fucking show. His energy was ridiculous. Right. And then I just started reading about them. And I might fuck this

up because I read about a bunch of different bands, but there was like, I guess with them, that style of music for whatever, they drew in like soccer fans or whatever, like the hooligans. And then there was some neo nazis there and then they were all fighting with each other. And there was one night, there was some big fucking brawl at one of their shows and it was so bad. It kind of almost like killed their career. I might have been that band or something. I definitely recommend just going on YouTube and looking up all that shit because so much stuff that I didn't understand about punk music because so many of the punk singers could not fucking sing. And it just sounded like angry karaoke to me, like played through a fucking not like it didn't sound like it was in

stereo. But all of a sudden now those sounds are like appealing to me. So I'm kind of gravitating towards it. So there's this famous picture of Sid Vicious and he has he has a swastika on his shirt. So I used to always make me stay away from the sex pistols going like, oh man, they were like that, you know, anti-Semitic and all of this type of shit, white supremacist. And from what I was reading, this is so fucked up. It's kind of funny though, was it had nothing really to do with the Nazis. What it had to do was their parents who were part of the World War II generation, I guess rather than saying to the children of that generation, you know, we used to walk to school uphill both ways. They used to say like, I don't want to hear you bitching. We defeated Hitler

and we won World War II and they were like, rub it in their face like what the fuck did you ever do and they got sick of it. So they basically, it's like if you hate your dad and he's a Red Sox fan, you buy a Yankee hat. So like they hated their fucking World War II when in parents, I guess. So their reaction is that they wore the fucking German shit. But then what that inadvertently did is it started bring drawn out these neo Nazis out to the show. It was it was fucking fascinating. You know that plaid that they wear? I always saw that and they put all the pins and shit through it. I guess that that was actually someone in the royal family that that was their colors or whatever. So then they took that. So some of the shit, they either did the exact opposite and or

they just took from the aristocrat, the people in power and put their own fucking twist on it just to piss them off. And I don't know, but the one band that I came across that I really fucking liked was was Sham 69. And particularly it was Borstal Breakout and Hurry Up Harry was a cool fucking song. And I don't know, I've tried like 9000 times. I know I missed out on Black Flag and Bad Brains and all of that shit. I would really like it. Like somebody give me an entry level band, like how I can work my way down from like, you know, the Green Day level that I'm at, not disrespecting Green Day, because I think they're a great fucking band. But I understand that they're super successful and they've made a ton of money. So they're automatically not a part of that scene

anymore. Right? Is that how it fucking works? I don't fucking know. Anyways, I got my big shows tomorrow night. I'm going to read these last two advertisements and that's going to be it. And then I'm going to find a sports spot at night. I'm going to watch my Bruins as we fucking mediocre way our way through another fucking season. You know, I'm glad we resigned Marshawn, man. I'm surprised we didn't fucking lose him. We must have something good coming down the pike if he stayed. Because that guy had an unbelievable season. And I missed the World Cup of Hockey, but they were saying in the hockey news that he very easily could have been the fucking MVP of the thing. So I'm glad. I'm glad we got that guy. I hope some of these prospects fucking pan out.

Poster knock. There's like 58 different ways to pronounce that guy. Maybe he'll blossom into I just want somebody scoring 50, right? That guy that you just have to fuck the other team just has to fucking prepare for. You know what I mean? Like a like a Ovechkin level fucking guy. We got it Bill. All right. Simply, simply safe. Thousands of people seeking home security get ripped off every day and the home security industry wants you to believe it's your only option. They've got hoards of salesmen out there trying to scare you and deciding one of their long-term contracts. You get stuck writing huge checks month after month, no way out. It's robbery by contract and it can cost you thousands, thousands. But there's a better way to protect your home. Simply

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mattress. Oh, I thought they wanted you to lay on top of each other. So when you're fucking, it's still comfortable. You never know. Maybe they do. Now, how do you guys usually do it? Is she riding you? Are you on top of her? Is it doggy style? Because if that's the case, then we need imprints for knees and hands. And for couples, they customize each side of the mattress. Your mattress arrives at your door in about a week, and shipping is 100% free. That's why everyone from GQ Magazine to Forbes are all talking about Helix sleep. You have 100 nights to try it out, and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up gross, gross. They'll pick it up for free. How thick are the gloves? You know what? They probably use those barbecue pit gloves,

welder gloves, and they give you 100% refund. No questions asked. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr and get $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash burr. Hey, helixsleep.com slash burr. You know what they probably do with those mattresses? I bet they bring them to Cuba for people want to fucking try and come over here, you know? Because they always take a mattress. Maybe they sell it to them, you know, try to get a little bit of money back. I have no idea. All I know is this is the end of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Please enjoy the music as we will now be playing 30 minutes of greatest hits from a podcast gone by in a month that isn't this one, or maybe it is. I have no fucking idea.

I apologize for the click sound, and now I have to shut it off. Oh, for fuck's sakes, come on. All right, that's it. All right, guys, have a nice weekend, you cunts. I wanted to be with you alone And talk about the weather But your patience I've been tracing In your face Won't escape my attention You keep your distance Me the system of touch And gentle persuasion I'm lost in admiration Dude, I need you this much Oh, you're wasting my time

You know what is I just I'm worn out I don't give a I just I watched that fucking game yesterday and we lost And Nia was going to go see Lady Gaga last night and at the last second her friend bailed Actually the day before her friend bailed so she goes do you want to go would you go with me And I was just like yeah, I'll fucking go to that. I'll go to it. You know, I'm a comedian I need to know what the fuck's going on in pop culture. I will go to this stuff And I will go to this thing and she goes do you realize how funny it's going to be If somebody who listens to your podcast is at that thing and sees you at that

And I said yeah, it's going to be fucking hilarious So I went down there get ready to see you know No, but let's let's tell this in chronological order. I'm watching the Patriots game Over a buddy of mine's house and I'm just pounding beers I don't know why I bought a 12 pack. They were set up And I just felt like I had to knock them all down And I think I think I had at least seven of them If not eight somebody else was digging into them too. I can't fucking remember

You know one of those things where you're not really totally hammered, but you forget your sunglasses, you know, like that kind of level drunk So and I got a race home And uh You know, I shut myself off in the third quarter just like I'm at the game I just started drinking waters and eating fucking chicken wings and shit and uh Sober up jump in the car drive home Put on a shirt. Oh wait. No, we took a cab. That's right

We ended up taking a cab over to Staples center and we missed the opening act which I'm like bonus Because I know I'm not gonna like them and we come fucking walking into the Staples center and right as the show starts And Lady Gaga comes out of a fake castle on a horse And starts walking around the arena You know, I do that big thing now They got like the big fucking half a semicircle loop with a bunch of fucking raven kids in the middle of it and um That's what started it off and then she sang one of her songs

and then uh Then she went back into the castle And then all of a sudden it looked like it was a turkey with its leg spread And she came out of the vagina of that unzipped it and came out of that, you know And then sang another fucking song You know a bunch of shredded gay guys all five six seven eight all at the same fucking time And then she just starts spewing this fucking self-help horseshit

You know doing that stupid dramatic pause to milk the crowd. She's just like, you know It's great to be here tonight Los Angeles. Everybody's like Jesus like I got a message out there for anyone who's ever felt different If you feel different no And all this fucking bullshit about being it was literally like it was like gay spinal tap And it was honestly it was a terrible fucking show Terrible show the fucking dancing was terrible. She can sing but she stinks at dancing

She's on a fucking horse. She comes out of a vagina. How many times has that been done? Why'd you come out of the vagina lady? God? Let me guess this album was a rebirth for you You fucking hack ripping off Madonna right and left first of all she's got that one song That I I don't know what Madonna song is. I never know I whenever I hear it I start singing the other Madonna song. She's right. She's ripping off Madonna right down She had a black jesus And the crowd's eating it up and all and I at first I'm like you gotta be fucking she's doing the black jesus thing

Like a prayer. Am I the only guy I looked around I was like, oh my god. I'm old I'm old I'm fucking old and I'm sitting there and all I want to do is just start trashing I Want to start heckling which I did a couple of times and Nia just gave me the look and I was like I'm I can't ruin this for her She was gonna go here with somebody else who's gonna be waving glow sticks and I agreed to come here. I can't be a cunt So, um, I'm not a lot of you. I sat down after the first fucking song And uh, it was really difficult to listen to

It was really fucking annoying Way more annoying than I thought I was gonna be I thought I was gonna be all right, you know I'm still gonna be on some level. I'll appreciate it. This is pop shit I can try to come here and enjoy this shit and it was it just really wasn't a good show I can't fucking Oh with the stupid dramatic pauses Why do singers always have to look up in the air halfway through a sentence and just get another applause break I saw a band the other night in this little fucking club and the guy was doing that

He was like, you know This is the first time Then he looks up the ceiling And it's just dead silence and then the crowd always gives into the fucking silence I don't know if they feel uncomfortable with and they just feel they have to fill it up by going Then the guy finishes the sentence That we've been in Los Angeles in three years It's like why couldn't you just complete that sentence?

Why couldn't you just go? Hey, you know, this is the first time we've been in Los Angeles for like three years And we're happy to be back because you guys are great fans You could do that and like fucking what was that? How long did it take me to say that 3.5 seconds? It takes him like 30 seconds Los Angeles is a city That's on the west coast of this country and you know That was fucking horrible. So anyways lady gaga is on stage. I can't believe I have this fucking story. I feel like I dreamed it um

She just goes, you know, she finishes another one of her fucking horseshit songs I think at that point she was like dry humping a yak to protest Some sort of middle eastern thing. I don't know what the fuck was going on and By the way, her drummer was the shit And I really would have enjoyed watching him But he appeared to be in the dungeon section Inside the fucking castle because god forbid there's somebody else out on the fucking stage taken away from your fucking horseshit

Oh my god, and then she had she had two plants in the crowd Two clear fucking plants she calls some fucking young gay kid on the crowd and tells him it's okay and the kid starts fucking He's like, how did you get his number? When did you get his number? How did they have him miked up? How can I hear this guy clear his fucking day talking into a fucking cell phone? That's going through the roof of the staple center to outer space back down to the fucking through the roof again to lady gaga Who's got drapes around her fucking head, right?

Crowds eating it up Like, oh my god, she's a saint Look at her reaching out, right? And then the worst part was she she's sitting there dancing around And she's only a little bit better dancer than I am and i'm fucking horrific. So she's up there Um And then she goes where's that guy with the green hair in the crowd get up on the stage You know because she's so down to earth and the dude the green hair dude gets up on the fucking stage shirtless

Shredded right so right there, you know, it's a plant although there were a lot of gay guys there and gay guys are always fucking shredded So i'll i'll give them the benefit of the doubt on that So the shirtless fucking shredded dude with the green hair gets on runs up the runway doing his best to act like he's shocked And then they go into this fucking dance routine and this dude knows Every fucking move right down to when to leave with the other dancers and walk into the castle It's like why is he going into the castle? I thought he wasn't just some random guy you pulled out of the fucking crowd should he go back to his goddamn seat How much of a grumpy cut to my that i'm really ripping this shit apart. It was fucking i i i got to tell you i was really uh

I was really disappointed I felt like i put myself in them in the headspace where i could enjoy this i was already seven beers in I grabbed a little bit of mcdonald's on the way in Had a quart upon it with cheeves with some french fries i'm like all right. Let's see. Uh, let's see this fucking Let's see this. I know she can sing So it should be halfway decent and it just was Oh and in the songs and then just sitting there with fucking Every time drapes around her face. It's like when are you just going to accept your nose?

We get it. You don't like your nose But you're afraid to get a nose job because you think it's going to change the sound of your voice just when are you You're sitting there telling all these young gay kids It's okay that they're different and here it is. You can't even accept your face walking around like that chick from the ring Your hair all in your goddamn face So fucking awful And finish it every song and then she just sit there all wrapped in drapes and then being only Breathing into the mic, which was super fucking annoying and she was like I hope you guys are having a good time tonight

Because if you're not I don't give a fuck I said I don't give a fuck The whole crowd goes nuts And then she proceeds to give a fucking speech about how much she doesn't give a fuck Goes over to another shredded gay guy fucking backup dancer You know hey fucking salivate. Do you do you give a fuck? He's like I don't give a fuck either either I think that's when I heckled And I got my first dirty look from there because it's literally like you know

If you don't give a fuck get on with the not giving a fuck. Why would you stop and give a speech? You know that's something I've learned in life is if you don't give a fuck You just you you you don't say you don't give a fuck If you don't give a fuck other people They recognize it and they say it for you Hey, dude, you know, you know that kid, uh, you know that kid mic Yeah, yeah, dude that kid he doesn't give a fuck Seriously that kid and then you tell the fucking story, but mic isn't walking around going, you know

Telling everybody that he doesn't give a fuck She clearly gives a fuck She gives a fuck how she looks. I don't think she likes the way she looks and I think that that's why she's fucking walking around an afghan Or a fucking I don't know what you call it A poultry all over her fucking face I don't know whatever. Well, should I just enjoy the the the I don't know the the fucking I don't know what I was really I mean as dumb as this sounds I went there with some sort of expectation And I just you know, I thought the drummer was the best part of the fucking show

And he was he was in a castle and I couldn't fucking see him granted his his drumsticks were lit up So I could see some of this shit that he was doing but uh I don't know and then there was some sort there was some sort of story going on I felt like they were like workshopping a musical and they didn't really have the full story They just kept being this face that would glow up and it was lady gaga's and she would just be speaking monotone like she was some sort of zombie Which I guess was supposed to give it some sort of depth. Can you guys believe that somebody?

44 gonna be 45 is wasting this much time Talking about how I was disappointed at a lady gaga concert as if that fucking show in any shape or form was designed To appeal to some fucking redheaded cunt like me you know Whatever I had to get that out Because there's a chance neah might be coming down to the podcast and I did a real good job Not taking the piss out of that show when I was there and not ruining it for But uh anyways

Fucking it was really bad You know what I mean even Madonna concerts back in the fucking day. Oh, that was another thing that she fucking said She was going like you know when I started out out out out dramatic pause People didn't think that I could bring the underground gay scene to the mainstream You know, it's like why are you ignoring Madonna? Didn't Madonna do that like 20 years ago? Didn't the village people kind of started you know what's funny about like It was so it was that shit was so fucking underground in the 70s right into the 80s

That morons like me Didn't know that like half the people you were listening to Were gay you had no even though like you'd be listening to a band called queen and the guys prancing around In his in fucking I don't know what the diapers adult diapers. I don't know what he was doing walking around barefoot You still like the music was you didn't you still didn't know I watched the other day I was watching this Judas Priest concert uh I forget where the fuck they were it was like in the early early 80s

And Rob Halford is coming out like in like literally fucking Like This s and m outfit And you had no fucking idea um I know there's like 20 guys like that. It was still underground But like that Madonna shit when she did all that voguing crap that was like 20 almost 25 years at this point So I don't know. I think that's just what it is

I think I'm just an old fucking guy and I imagine When I was watching whatever the fuck I was watching they were all going dude Zeppelin did this like 15 years ago As I'm sitting there freaking out watching a band called Cinderella I think that was the point of it no offense to Lady God got fans. I think I just realized how fucking old I was All right, and I just watched my team lose I think I just said I'll head over his eyes and take my heart to break my heart But no, no, throw it away Throw it away

Throw it away I made it by watching it go Oh I Hey, what's going on? It's bill bar And this is the Monday morning podcast for the week of october something What is it the 20th? I believe it's the 20th. Um I'm actually in phoenix

international airport connecting Trying to get back to LA after a had a great weekend out in uh, austin, texas at the cap city comedy club I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows crowds were ridiculous just uh, just awesome crowds There wasn't one asshole the whole week Uh, I don't know definitely definitely going to be coming back Um ellen thanks to dubly and bob to the radio show that let me core myself out the entire week

so I could get some fannies in the seats and um With that here's the podcast that beginning stunk sound like I I've just lost an election. I want to thank everybody who's helped me out and uh This isn't over. We're gonna regroup and we're gonna be back um What the fuck so anyways as many you know, I'm a huge, uh saying about boston sports growing up outside the city and last night my red socks lost game seven To the uh, the devil the the rays of the fuck they call themselves now because those the devil too mean

Can somebody from tamper please explain to me why you dropped devil Isn't devil rays the name of a stingray? You know Did some stingrays get together and find it offensive? um Anyways, uh, congratulations to all the the the rays fans keep on to say devil rays, uh, you know, definitely with a better team um I don't know man. You guys would just

just Just fucking just too good. You were just too good Pitching was ridiculous. You had a bunch of young studs on there And you know what? I hope you can hold on to them For when rich ass teams like the red socks start buying people up because that's what the fuck is wrong with baseball because You waited long enough down there. You should have a good team. You should have it for a while Much as it's gonna. Ah fuck that. We'll be back next year um

But anyways, you know something. Yeah, let's say you guys got a great team But you know what you do have to get rid of you don't have to just a suggestion uh The fucking cowbells That was really uh, I don't know You know, I was willing to look the other way that every time I saw the de rays on tv For the last fucking 10 years. There was eight people in the crowd And now all of a sudden you guys are good and everybody shows up

I was willing to look the other way because I'm not gonna lie to you I didn't watch a Celtic game for about eight years until last year. So everybody does that but the cowbells I Nothing screams expansion team like Noisemakers, you know what I mean? It's just like, you know what our fans are so fucking lame That even when this place is sold out

We have to give them noisemakers like it's fucking new years You know what I mean? And it really doesn't hurt to get the team. It's sort of annoys everybody Do you notice last night your starting pitcher was wearing earplugs? I now Just as a sports fan, I don't understand like how The I understand annoying the batter with the fucking Cowbells, but the pitcher can hear it too

No one wants to hear that you know They really don't But you know what? I'll give you a pass because you're an expansion team The team that I will not give a pass to is the california angels of anaheim just north of san diego But fucking south of sacramento, whatever they call themselves With those thundersticks I don't know. It's just really gay

You know people should know you're in the stands just because of you vocally when you have to you know I mean, how did that work out there angel fan? Did you literally get down on your knees and blow those things up yourself? All right, I'm being a bit of a jerk and it has nothing to do with the socks losing It actually has to do with the fact that I stuck around texas for an extra day Because uh, I drove over to houston and went to a fucking texans game by myself It's it's just pathetic

I don't know. I got this ocd thing. I got to go to every fucking team stadium And I think i'm over it Because I was really sitting there in the holiday in last night thinking, you know, I could have been home right now But I didn't because I decided to stay an extra day blow a couple of hundred bucks And watch the houston texans play the detroit lions Because everybody knows what a fucking pivotal game that is in the middle of october What a moron um

So anyway, hey, let's start a new topic on the podcast annoying things in sports. I'm going to start it off Okay, I already trashed Soda trashed. I definitely trashed the angel fans, but uh I'm gonna say noisemakers. I'm gonna start off like that. I think they're fucking stupid They're unnecessary and they make your fans look amateurish. You know what I'm saying? Um, but just to be fair, I will throw my own team under the bus because I love the red sox I love their fans, but

When they start singing sweet caroline During the seventh inning at uh I don't know. I just want the green monster to fall on every person who's singing I would just like to gather up everyone in the crowd Make them stand under the green monster and then somehow push it over on top of them And you know what I'm actually going to say. I think that's worse than noisemakers They're singing of that awful song. The song is still bad to begin with and then when the whole crowd goes

It just really makes me want to slip my wrist Uh, what else? What other ones? The fuck else bugs me I'd say the Yankees when they do that when the grounds crew dances to ymca Which was cute at first But wasn't that like a big thing when disco came back in the late 90s for half a second? Uh, it's kind of over. So why don't you pick a a bad 80s?

heavy metal tune Really rock me like a hurricane or whatever I don't know. I got fucking nothing. I got nothing this week. You know what I got? I got exactly what my cell phone has. They got one bar right now It's exactly what I have. So why don't I get on with the uh the questions for the week? um And the underrated overrated and all that if you're new in my podcast, this is what I do. I babble in airports and uh Oh, hey, you know what I just did about five minutes ago

When I was in um, I hate when people do that. Did you hear that? The only security guards walk by and they have their walkie-talkie and they got it turned on to 10 So you can't even hear what they're saying The guy you can't even understand. He just walks by in here Oh It's like I got it. You're important people need to know where you are at all times Why don't you turn it down to eight for the rest of us? So anyways, I was dining in the what the fuck's the name of the place Taberna

Delta Kila to airport mexican food, which is some of the fattest mexican food that you can have I think Because it's uh sort of fast food and it's made by white people. So White people the makers of McDonald's. So anyways, I'm in there and there's some fucking asshole at the bar talking unbelievably loud on his cell phone and I do what I usually do. I rather than just addressing the guy I

Go passive aggressive First thing I do is I just let a couple of Jesus Christ Shut up, you know kind of do that and you know, or if he's If he's going like yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta go. Yeah, I'll do one. Yeah, I really love And I was sitting there going like Why don't I just tell the guy that he's fucking yelling

and I'm thinking because I'm an angry person and I'll sound like a dick and I might end up getting into a fist fight And then I started thinking to myself This guy's not going to be cool. When's the last time you saw a fist fight in a fucking airport? I gotta be honest with you I've never seen it Okay Most you know, I've been reading about anger most of anger comes when someone when you're in a position and you feel powerless So in my head I was like I'm powerless to do anything about this situation

Because I don't want to get your fist fight because I'm going to lose either way You know what I mean? Once you get past a certain age, you're going to lose it's either a you get your ass kicked You know what I mean? And you're standing up in some, you know You know the paper that goes around a straw. Yeah, it's like stuck to the back of your head You're going to suffer that or you're going to fucking win And then you're going to get sued I think that's why adults don't fight It's it's the double

Whammy of of the possibility of losing and getting sued then I was thinking to myself like why don't you just not say it? Like a fucking asshole Right just do it that way That's what I did. I just said hey, hey, hey, hey and he kind of looked over I just said I said you're kind of shouting and they said oh, I'm sorry. He dropped it down to a respectable tone And I was like, oh see there you go See how I do that? I always invented my head that I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me because I grew up and I had five four brothers five of us all together and

That's the way it went down in my house Hey, uh, could you turn the channel and next thing you know, you know It was like eight year old UFC and the battle always went to the ground But the grappling it wasn't sophisticated grappling. It was more just headlocks and uh, and hair pulling Um Actually, no, did we have a hair for no, we just had a rule in the house that you could basically Beat the living shit out of somebody below the neck and above the crotch

You could just hammer somebody's torso We you know we used to beat each other like Some of these assholes beat their wives, you know, we don't want the bruises to show Um, okay, I'm left to beat in track here. Let's let's answer some questions here before my cell phone dies All right question number one and as always I haven't read these fucking things so I'm gonna have to read the whole goddamn thing Hey bill podcasts are great to listen to every week Don't know if you're a smoker

Or not, but was wondering how you felt about those bullshit truth commercials Just saw one where it's these two bitches Jesus christ It's two bitches dancing in the streets singing if you smoke it might take your life But if you don't you might beat up your wife Once it sunk in what they were saying about after about 10 seconds It just filled me with so much anger That they would say that smokers are more apt to beat their wives without the nicotine

I hope that secondhand cancer does actually exist and every one of those truth motherfuckers get lung cancer and dies a slow drawn out painful death What do you think about the truth commercials? You know what I love about my listeners is when they State their point you'd never have to wonder what side of the issue they're on They're like reverse politicians. Yeah, I hate those commercials Um, those commercials actually make me want to smoke and blow smoke In the people's faces, you know, I don't wish that they died a slow painful death of cancer I don't take it to your level, but

Just in your defense. I haven't seen that commercial yet, but I don't know why they've never been able to make a the only good Anti-smoking commercial they haven't made was way back in the day And you kids can youtube this go on to YouTube and check out There's this great actor one of my favorite actors of all time yule Brenner and He should rent westworld by the way

Maybe a lot of people don't know about he was in but basically he was dying of lung cancer and right before he died He did a commercial And went on tv and he said hi i'm yule Brenner I have lung cancer by the time you see this I will be dead Don't smoke and it was just like You know it was just delivered with yule Brenner's typical like no bullshit Uh brand of speaking so I think that that's what they should do and I want to say a few years ago Didn't they have that? I remember in new york, they had these ads maybe 10 years ago

They just started showing people who were dying of lung cancer and uh Actually that was too brutal all that was right. They had the guy was holding the thing up to his throat. My name is tan I had been a smoker You know he was doing that shit and then you know It was just so over the top everybody left. I don't know I don't know dude. You you fucking ripped those people so bad. How exactly would you come about? Doing a commercial with it telling you not to smoke

um I don't know. I got to tell you this though. I'm really annoyed with smokers when they're still pissed how they can't smoke in bars and uh I was down in austin and people started smoking in the bar and I can't you know It's been so long since I've actually smelt that and it's fucking ridiculous It's really fucking like you You walk out of that you felt like you fought a fire your eyes are all red they're burning. It's in your clothes It's disgusting. I have no problem with people smoking. I really don't smoke all you want but uh

Take it outside So I don't know I'm kind of in the middle of it. I think those truth commercials do suck Without a doubt, but uh I'm glad that they put you people outside. I think that's where you belong You know I think before you come back in they should hose you down With some sort of perfume so we don't have to smell your shit. You know what I mean? I'm trying to think of I have a habit a hobby or a habit or something that really annoys people

Other than my general cuntiness. All right. Ah, okay bill. I got a couple questions for you. When was your big break? I mean, when did you really start getting paid seriously for your comedy? How long did it take? Uh, okay. Well, I've had some ups and downs there fella Let's see. I um Had a day job for the first three and a half years and I paid off my car and I uh Was still living at home like a fucking loser

But I was a smart loser. So I was getting out of debt Unlike unlike your shithead. I just saw walking through the airport So bad these credit card companies are actually uh, I think people's credit credit so bad that desperate for new customers You literally get off the plane and they're like, excuse me sir. Sir. Can I talk to you? Do you guys know they're basically giving away a free plane ticket if you sign up for a master card? A free plane ticket. Yeah, sign up for a master card It's fucking 18 to 22 interest and you'll buy that ticket about nine times during the course of the year You know, I think I might go over there and just fuck up their sales pitch just by saying

You've seen that shit those those those dumb fucks at football games You know, they're handing out like a free t-shirt if you sign up for uh, you know a visa card I mean, how much is a t-shirt? Honestly, even if you go to a concert, it's going to cost you like 35 40 bucks, which is ridiculous But uh, you're going to pay that in interest every month You know Go down to fucking clothes for less You go to footlock you need like three t-shirts for 20 bucks No, I'd rather have this piece of plastic dude. Uh, anyways, uh, so when was my big break? I had a couple

um Let's see, uh I moved to new york and I booked an acting gig and uh, I made a little chunk of money And then the acting gig ended And then but I was able to live off that for a year So I didn't have to get a day job when I moved to new york but uh So I was living good in 97 and then it was pretty rough 98 99 2000

2001 But then I was like this is the all I was doing colleges. I was doing like nine million colleges Grossing about a hundred grand a year paying 20 commission that dropped it down to 80 Plus another 10 grand and the expenses dropped it down to 75 And then the government would come in and take their fucking half Just to drop it down to 35 and then accountants and other bullshit would drop it. I was making about 30 grand a year

So I was basically You know the cubicle guy Except I was telling jokes so my life was still good But yeah, I was making about after all the bullshit. I was making about 30 grand a year for a while and then I turned around and that was sort of steady right up until uh, 2005 That was the year when I did uh an hbo half hour and I got on opi and anthony and literally the

The month I got on opi and anthony My hbo special came out and then after that then people started coming to my shows and they started making good money and fortunately It is continued um So yeah, I would say The first break came when I made a little money on tv 96 97 and then the second time

was 2005 Did I even answer that I got fucking bored with that answer after well Um anything else I wanted to take it. Do you do you ever still do stand up for 10 10 bucks for 15 minutes? Yes, I do every single week at the uh from in new york I I do it, you know at the local clubs and when I'm in la I do it at the comedy store And the lab factory in the impromptu They don't pay they don't pay that much, you know, so

um In one last question. Oh, yeah, do you think it's possible for a comedian to do 10 spots a night? Getting paid $10 for every 15 minutes at 10 different clubs. All right You sound like a guy who wants to do comedy and you're trying to figure out how you can make it financially. You'll be fine just Just you know have a day job And just keep hustling at night and this is the big thing get yourself out of debt Pay off your car if you get a brand new car fucking try and sell it and get something quality that's used that you can actually

pay off and get out of debt because That's what will fuck you Oh, yeah, and don't knock up somebody that you don't give a shit about that's another thing that will fuck you Um other than that, you'll be fine. Okay Nobody makes shit when they start off and then somehow I don't know what happens That should we start making money. All right, my cell phone's gonna die. So I think I gotta make this actually short for once um

Actually, yeah, sorry guys, this is gonna be a real quick one Um, let me see if I got anything else no more questions that I can see um Oh, here's somebody talking about my my sports obsession about going to all the stadium still I totally respect Your sports junkie nerd obsession And if you've got the means to do it go for it. Why not? I've seen a lot more money spent on dumbers shit before Like a wife who doesn't work You know, there's a lot of anger towards women on these things. Jesus christ

Guys sound like my act Been with that I've listened to your podcast It sounds like you've been to pretty much every sports venue in the united states and canada I asked after you asked you a question. What's the best fight you've ever seen at a sporting event? Oh, man, that's a good one Um, well, let's hear his first. He says mine hands down It's broad then if you count wrestling as a as a sport it was in 2000 Wwf was at a tight in the entire crowd

Of 20,000 was drunk 18 to 24 year olds showing up in groups of 10 And when one asshole from one group would start shit with another asshole, it wasn't a fight between two guys It was an all-out 20 man brawl Watching somebody get their nose broken over the fact that he's not a stone cold Fan is some funny shit to say the least. All right. I've seen some classic ones coming from boston. I remember Going to an old Bruins They're playing like the nordiques of the north star. It's one of those great teams. It doesn't Play anymore and first of all, I remember this guy had this great sign

In the upper deck it said, uh, quillbeck has no deeks And to me that was hilarious because I was 18 years old and it was a dick joke um, but anyways the uh I don't know what happened like these Bruins fans got into it with the nordiques or canadian fans. I can't remember what so they would just So like an idiot I run over I learned my lesson. I ran over to look at the fight You ever go to do that never run over to look at a brawl because it's like a tornado You don't know where it's going to go and all of a sudden you're in the fucking middle of it And there's no bathtub to jump into

So that's basically what happened the fucking fight spilled over onto me And I was literally impaled on one of those those old yellow rails I don't people from boston remember it and all I remember was some guy. I don't know what he did Evidently he tried to push this cop down the stairs and I don't know how to this day this cop did it But he literally was walking down the stairs with this guy And he had a handful of his neck it's like He was carrying him like luggage

And inside of his fist was the guy's jugular and this guy was literally turning blue and as the cop walked down the stairs He just kept repeatedly stating try to push me down the stairs, huh try to push me down the stairs, huh? and this guy's eyes just I thought he was going to kill him but I don't know. I don't think I've ever I've just seen just haymakers thrown. I've never seen like a 20 on 20 brawl I went to a rangers islanders game in 1989 When a buddy of mine was going to hosta that's back when everybody was coped up

And I saw some uh guys who were way too old to be fighting going at it in the upper deck And I gotta admit I was terrified because I felt like a man without a country And I was going to be discovered You know, I felt like I felt like that that old guy in the beginning of starface that gets stabbed in that tent city You know, I'm sitting there trying to act like I'm You know, I'm one of the group and I really don't give a fuck about their cause But um, you know what? I probably have to think about that um

A little bit longer my cell phone's going to die. I'm kind of mentally in a panic right now because I just babbled for about Oh 20 minutes, and I'm worried that it's not going to save it. So I'm going to cut it short here Thanks everybody who came out to Austin Um, so next week send me some stuff that you find in sports. You find annoying. Please keep sending in the under Next week I will be in town in LA. So I'll give a longer podcast and uh In november I got the uh dc improv And I'm playing zanies in Nashville and hopefully in the next month or so I will be getting uh

I'll be getting some dates for 2009. All right, that is it. Everybody have a good week and I will talk to you next week Next monday. All right Oh Oh Oh You