Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-15

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

Bill rambles about bad lunch in Columbus, old stadiums and the Bruins vs the FLY-AHZ.

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Okay, now I know you're disappointed. You're like, well, Bill, you usually yell like a maniac. You usually act like a fucking idiot. Well, it's like 8 30 in the morning and I'm in a hotel room. And now you're just gonna have to deal with that. All right. Now don't act like a fucking baby about it. I swear to God, I'll make it up to you. I feel like I'm talking to a child right now. You know, and you guys didn't even say anything. You probably, you know, I'm all right with that every once in a while. Bill, if you don't, if you don't check in on me crazily, you know, on a Thursday or whatever. I am in Columbus, Ohio.

And all I can tell you about Columbus, Ohio is when you want something to eat, when you go out of your fucking hotel room, don't go right. Go left. At least wherever the fuck I'm staying. I went to the right and got one of the shittiest fucking lunches I've ever had. I ordered a, it was this little fucking bistro too. The sick of places calling themselves a bistro as if like, ooh, this is sort of a taste of parry here. This is going to be like you're in Paris, but you're in Columbus, Ohio with some fucking bistro type thing, right? I ordered, I ordered some fuck. Well, one of them tomato mousse or a fucking salads.

So the dude goes to me goes, Hey, you want the balsamic vinaigrette on the side? I loved that because I fucking hate balsamic vinaigrette on a tomato mousse or a fucking salad. I don't even know why it's in there. You just put some fucking olive oil on it, a little salt, right on it. No pepper, maybe that's it. Simple, clean, classic, classic Italian cuisine. Couple two, three ingredients and it tastes like heaven, right? Greatest fucking cooks on earth.

What do these kinds do? They put the balsamic vinaigrette on the side. They put the tomato in the fucking mozzarella. They put, they put it on this iceberg lettuce, which I can forgive you, whatever. God knows I need to eat a fucking salad out here, right? Being on the road for two weeks. And then for whatever fucking reason, they took this creamy fucking dressing and just poured it all over the cheese and the tomatoes. Why would you put fucking creamy dressing over creamy cheese?

Why would you do that? You're supposed to add ingredients to compliment the other thing, not fucking reinforce it. Like two parents yelling at you because you took the car out and wrapped it around a tree. Then I understand it. These aren't two parents, all right? This is some tomato and some focumuzoralla. Completely fucked that up. And I also ordered a cup of chili, right?

Because I'm an old white guy and that's what we do. When we get, we start approaching the age of 50, we start eating soup, you know? Because that's our only hope of continuing living, right? So I ordered this cup of chili with a broth, was just water. It was just like fucking water with a little bit of hamburger helper. Oh my God, the place drove me. Nice people there. Very nice people fucking working there.

Jesus fucking Christ. One of these fucking places you walk in and there's like two registers. So I walk up to the first one and I say to the guy, I go, hey, can I order food from here? And he just nods. So I fucking start ordering food and then the fucking manager guy comes over and he goes, oh, I'm sorry. The way it works is you got to go to this fucking register down here. He didn't say fucking. You got to go down on that register there and order your food.

And then you come over here and pay. And I'm looking at the fucking guy behind the register looking like, dude, did I just ask you that? And he's just staring at me blankly. I'm like, all right. So I fucking go down there, meet the person making the food fucking sweet out of a guy. Hey, how's it doing? You know, how you doing? Blah, blah, blah.

I order the shit. Now I go to walk back down to fucking pay at the other register and some cunt just walks off the street. It walks up to that register in order to cup of coffee. Right. And there's service in the guy. So now I'm behind him. It's like, how the fuck does this work? Oh, and this one, you just pay cash or you order coffee.

So now this fucking guy who wasn't in front of me is now somehow in front of me. I don't understand it. I don't fucking understand it. And then I sit down and go to eat the shit. It was one of those deals where I had to take the knife and I'm scraping the fucking awful shit off of the shit that you want to eat. And I'm not going to lie to you. It put me in a mood. Oh, put me in a mood.

I was going to be like, you know what? Fuck Columbus. Fuck this whole fucking state. Any fucking state that puts creamy dressing on nice fucking hunks or mood. I'm fucking out of here. I don't need to ever come back. Right. But the evening was saved by an unbelievable crowd.

A beautiful fucking theater. And we ended up going to this bar late night, the elevator and great bartender Pittsburgh guy. And it means a couple of fucking drinks. We just laughing our balls off, telling Hulk Hogan stories. And then we ended the night up watching the beginning of Goodfellas on the bus. And then they called it a fucking night. I know I'm being a whiny cunt, but why would you do that? Perfectly good fucking food.

You know what I mean? Why would you do that? The fuck was I just going to talk about in there? I spaced on something. Tomato, the mozzarella, the fucking Daniela. And I'll fall, you know what? Somebody from after the show came up to me. And he gave me, I want to thank the person once again.

He got me this drum DVD that Jojo Mayor, you know, top secret stuff for the modern drummers, basically all that molar method stuff. It was really fucking nice to you. And when I was in Cincinnati, somebody interviewed me, a comedian, Mohammed came, got me some Pete Rose t-shirts. Now I got you backstage, passes, young buck comedian. You never came back. I hope you made it out to the show.

I double checked that they had your name at the door. I hope you fucking made it. Now I'm all fucking paranoid. They didn't let you in and you hooked me up with some t-shirts. And like that fucking Bill Burr is the biggest redheaded cunt I've ever met in my life. So anyways, yeah, we've been having a great time. We had a great time in Cincinnati. Trying to think where the fuck we've been since I last talked to you guys.

See, it was Fort Wayne, Cincinnati. Then we did Dayton, dirty Dayton. That's what they call their fucking town. The dirty day or something like that. I was going, why the fuck would you call yourself that? This is why you don't get any tourism here. You know, I don't fucking know whatever. I've been having a great time and that keeps getting fucking.

I think I've actually been doing too much time. I've been doing like an hour and a half every last couple of nights. I got to tighten it up a little bit. But what do I got tonight? I got Pittsburgh and then I got Cleveland and that's the first leg. Then the first leg is fucking done. Just like that. The first week is over.

But last night when I was on stage, my beloved Boston Bruins, my fucking hat dude, they paid the filthy flyers in the fucking new Boston garden, the TD Bank fucking JP Morgan Center, whatever the fuck they call it. You know, those 40,000 cinder blocks that they went out and bought and built a big square building. Nothing interesting, architecturally speaking. They're only one of the original six teams. Why would you give them a fucking, you know, the Columbus blue jacket should have a better facility.

The Minnesota wild should have a better looking fucking rink than the Boston Bruins. That completely makes sense, right? You know, Jesus, I'm going to rewind after this tour. I'm actually going to watch the game. I did watch the highlights and as much as a fucking brutal heartbreaker, it was that they, they lost in overtime. We did get a point. And as far as I was watching with the highlights, we look, you know,

we look like a fucking decent team. And I was really nervous about that. So I'm happy with that. These guys are still fucking jealous. That game I can tell you right now is a game we would have lost a week ago. You know what I mean? Or maybe a week and a half ago and guys were still getting to know each other or whatever. The fact that we only just blew it in overtime, I feel is to step forward, right?

I was actually on the bus and I asked, I go, what's the score? Because the fucking satellite thing wasn't working. And our Verzi looked it up, said it was, you know, four to two. I was so fucking excited, but I also knew there was like 13 minutes left. And I was like, oh, Jesus, four to two. We've been up three games to none against these guys and couldn't fucking close it out. God damn filthy flyers came in. Congratulations to them.

You know, they were supposed to suck this year, weren't they? Bruins end up, well, maybe we were just two shitty teams passing in the night. I have no idea. I don't think we're shitty though. Speaking of not shitty, how about those fucking Canadians? Seven and oh, you don't actually bothers me as a Bruins fan knowing how happy Canadian fans are. I don't hate the Canadians. I've realized that over the years.

It was never about the Canadians. It was about the silly sock wearing French Frenchies up there enjoying yet another Stanley Cup victory. And I got to tell you, I have completely enjoyed the 20 something year drought of your Stanley Cups. And even I as a as a as a fucking Canadian hater got to say this is easily the most scared I've been in fucking over 20 years. You guys were going to fucking end the drought. God knows we're not going to be the ones to stop you. So I'm rooting for the fucking West to be a monster of a fucking somebody out there. You know, to be another Blackhawks got to do it again.

Who knows? Speaking of which, my condolences to the Chicago Cup fan and congratulations to the Mets. And, you know, I had half an eye on that fucking series. I've been traveling around in Jesus Christ. I don't think there's ever been an easier MVP trophy to to be given out than to give it to fucking Daniel Murphy. Jesus Christ. I didn't even realize I knew he had some fucking homeruns. I didn't realize he had six games in a fucking row.

That's ridiculous. That's from a second baseman, man. I'm fucking believable. So I really wish I had time to watch that series. I had no fucking idea. And I'm glad I didn't see the close. I guess it wasn't the new Shea Stadium. You know, because I'll tell you them panning around the crowd when the Cubs were going down three games to none or whatever the fuck it was.

That reminded me a long time ago, you know, when the Red Sox were going through their shit. That sucks for them. But they're a young team. They could get better next year. But, you know, really quickly, by the way, you know, what really fucking annoyed me was the amount of Cubs fans that fucking filed out of that stadium. Jesus fucking Christ, half the fucking stadium left. And I've always maintained that that for every fucking team, half the people there are actually true fans. The rest of them just show up.

You know, like all those fucking Conti Met fans that have caught Met fever, you know, where were you a couple of years ago when they sucked for fucking 10 years? Where were you? You know what? You were at home with your girlfriend sitting there watching fucking Survivor or something like that. Like, dude, I'm not watching the Mets. I can't. I can't. I'm the biggest Mets fan.

I can't fuck you. Where the fuck were you? Right? I can say that about the Boston teams, too. All these fucking Patriots fans. Fuck with you. We used to play in that high school football stadium with those aluminum benches and you stood up and you fucking lost your seat. Where were you?

Where were you? You were at home having some fucking chowder. Um, so anyways, you know, my dumb ass is going to do, you know, like I couldn't be watching any more fucking sports as my life is whizzing by. I think I'm going to get the NBA package this year. I don't know why. The Celtics are going to be fun to watch this year. And I, you know, I've never been a big basketball fan. You know, I just, I can't get into it.

It's like they score every fucking three seconds. Anytime anybody looks at anybody, it's a fucking foul. You know, it's kind of like soccer, except you can use your hands. Except there's also a ton of scoring. It's not that obviously it's not that bad. I don't know. I think I like college hoops better, but whatever. Hey, by the way, um, as far as my workout regimen by go to the gym every day, you know what?

I also have been eating like a fucking, I've been eating like a fat girl on prom night. How come nobody took me? Um, why did I have to go after fat girls? Maybe I could say I was eating like a redhead, a redheaded male on prom night. I don't know. Um, oh my God, I've been eating like a fucking animal. I've also been working out like an animal. So I've gone up one notch from the old belt there, but, uh, that's kind of been my game plan.

Because every night I say I'm not going to drink and I'm not going to act like a fucking idiot. But, uh, I'm hanging out with my three best friends in the fucking world on this tour. You know, what are we going to do? And it's always every night, right before the show, we always say the same thing. Dude, we're going to go easy tonight. You know, we're going to go easy. And, uh, you know, fucking, you know, we got Pittsburgh tomorrow night. It's Columbus.

You know, it's going to be a quiet town after the show. Let's just, let's just fucking go home. All right. And everybody goes, yeah, yeah. Good idea. Good idea. Right. Now what happens?

You know, somebody just gives one, somebody a look, you know, some last night it was Verzi. Verzi gave me a look just going like, uh, so what are you thinking? You know, he was done with the set. I hadn't gone on yet. You know, what are you thinking? Maybe, uh, we're going back to the hotel and just calling it a night. And then I just start laughing and he starts laughing. And the next thing you know, we stay out till fucking three in the morning, like assholes,

fucking assholes. Who likes, who likes working out? Honestly, I'm sure you like it in your twenties, but at my age, it's not a fun thing to do. And I go and I work out. I do all this fucking sweating and fucking my old goddamn knees and all this shit. And then what do I do? I give it away. You know, come back here and eat a sleeve of fucking Oreo cookies.

I'm thinking in the back of my head like, what am I doing? Literally two of these fucking cookies. That's probably 40 minutes. How many calories are in a fucking Oreo cookie? Oh my God, dude. Yesterday when I bought the Oreo cookies, right? I'm already hating myself, already fat shaming myself. It's like the middle of the day too.

I bought him a broad daylight where I felt like everybody was looking at me. Go look at him. Look at him eating his cookies, right? And I go walking by and there was this Asian dude, right? I don't know where he was from, but he was definitely an immigrant because he had the hardcore fucking accent, right? Just one of these fucking guys made you smile. He had great fucking energy. And he's like, oh, hello, how are you?

He's fucking cleaning up vacuuming or some shit, right? Classic immigrant job. And I say, hey, how are you doing, man? How's it going? He goes, oh, I'm doing good. And then he just goes and sees the cookies. He just goes, I hope I'm going to be able to do it. I smoked a cigar last night.

He looks at the cookies and he just goes, Oreos. And I just start fucking laughing. I go, yeah, man, I got some Oreos. And he goes, oh, those are my favorites. And I'm laughing going, I love them too. But it sounded like he was shitting on me the way he went, Oreos, like you fucking bitch. You're bringing cookies back there. There's sugar tits.

Dude, it made my fucking afternoon. He was such a fucking funny guy. And he wasn't being a bad guy. That's what I loved about him. He was actually, he was more saying it like a big black girl like, hey, right? Like that's what I'm talking about. And what I loved was it was just me and him in the lobby. And they had a big ceiling and it was like echoed when he did it.

Oreos. And I went upstairs and I sit down like a fucking loser. And I started eating this sleeve of cookies with his voice ringing in my head. And I was laughing, eating the cookies. And I swear to God, for one second, I almost started crying. There's no way, if you're any sort of a human being, to sit in a hotel room by yourself and eat a sleeve of Oreo cookies and not just feel a wave of depression wash over you. It's one of the saddest things you can ever do.

If you've noticed, I can't even know, I don't even know if they even have, do they even have commercials for Oreos? Do they even need to? You know what I mean? It's like the Jordan of fucking cookies, as far as other than the ones your mom makes. Some lonely cunt like me makes homemade are going to be better. But it's just as far as like store bought cookies, okay? Let's start a battle here. Let's start a debate. Come on.

Are you guys honestly going to sit there and tell me you can fuck with Oreo cookies? It's the perfect fucking cookie. And you know what kills me is when you bite off one side and then you bite off another side of another one and you stick them together to make your own double stuffed one. Why does that one taste so much better than the actual double stuffed one that's doing the work for you? You know what I mean? When you buy the double stuffed ones, it's just like there's too much of the cream in it, you know? And they're just too sugary and you can't fucking eat them.

But when you do the other ones, I don't know who the fuck is in charge of that over there at Oreo. Just dial back the frosting. You went a little too fucking hard. And it's not ringing goddamn true. Without a doubt, my favorite fucking cookie. And what is it? Doritos says you can't just have one fuck Doritos. By the way, everybody, you know what Doritos are?

I'm 47 years old. Anybody under the age of like 40 Doritos are the shit. Original Doritos, you cannot fuck with them there, considered the greatest chip of all time. I grew up on Fritos. Ruffles. Pringles are still new to me. When those things first came out and they stacked them up in that can,

we were just like, for my generation, that was like when PlayStation first came out. To have potato chips that you could actually stack up. To have like fucking 300 potato chips that were actually on the same page. You know what I mean? As opposed to the usual one, you open up a bag, they're all going in a different direction. You know, like some fucking team with a coach lost the locker room, right? Pringles are the fucking New England Patriots. They got a system and everybody does their fucking job and they get it done, right?

And they're so goddamn good about it. The crying coats, coats gotta fucking talk about air pressure. By the way, I watched this fucking thing yesterday, one of those 30 for 30s, on old pistol Pete Carroll when he coached for USC. Dude, I can't fucking believe I missed that whole era. I don't think I watched one fucking game. I was so busy traveling to all of these places I'm going to right now, which by the way is bringing back a ton of memories.

I remember I went to an Ohio State game against like, I can't remember who the fuck they played. They began with a B. It wasn't, believe me, it wasn't Boise State. It was just some fucking shithead team. Division three, way back in the day, those classic cupcake games. I went to it by myself. I fucking came here and I went into their old basketball arena

where the man plays before the game. And I went into the horseshoe, which isn't a horseshoe anymore. Nobody really has a horseshoe unless your fucking program stinks. They got to keep adding on to the stadium because people keep fucking, right? There's too many goddamn people and there's traffic 24-7. We got to have another extra seats to put these animals, right? And I went to the game by myself. I have a lot of memories of that.

I'm going to go to Milwaukee. I've been to County Stadium and the Milapok. I've been to both of those by myself. I still remember in Miller Park when somebody took my picture. I had him take my picture on one of those little fucking disposable cameras. And they did the thing where they took it from my neck up. And like the top of the picture is like the entire fucking stadium and the roof of it. It's one of the worst pictures of all time.

I actually just laughed. I got a stack of those somewhere. Like little of those little fucking 5x8 printouts that you get when you took it to the drugstore to get him developed of me standing in front of about 40 different stadiums that no longer exist. Let me see if I can go through some of them. Let's see. Okay, I've been to Olympia Stadium.

Whatever the fuck that was for an Expo's game. That still exists, but the Expo's don't. Miller Park. The King Dome. The Astro Dome. Mile High Stadium. Sullivan Stadium. The Boston Garden.

Jesus Christ. I even took a tour of fucking Maple Leaf Garden by myself. Went on this fucking tour. It's one of the cool tours I took. I am too fucking old to remember all these fucking places. Candlestick. The fuck else did I go? McNichols Arena.

The Nuggets played. I went there by myself doing a college gig. Watching the fucking Denver Nuggets. And they were terrible. There was one of those deals and they were barely in the fucking league. I saw an Avalanche game there too. Before they built the Pepsi Center. The old Dallas Cowboys Stadium.

You know, one of these days I got to make a list of all the fucking stadiums I've been to that no longer fucking exist. And not only did I go there, I went there by myself. But anyways, let's plow ahead here. So, yeah dude, so I've just been working out and eating like a fucking moron. And tonight I'm going to Pittsburgh and I got a ton of friends there. Randy Baumann, Bill Crawford from WDVE. You know, Randy I always say he built me up in that market.

He's the reason why I sell tickets there. So we always hang up. And then we always end up at that fucking, the evil, yet delicious, whatever. I always forget the name of it. The fucking sandwich where they put the french fries on it. All these fucking Pittsburgh guys are screaming about it. Panaris, Panamis, Paramis. I always forget the name of it.

The fucking sandwich there where they put all this shit on it because, you know, I forget why it had to do with fucking people building bridges. They just needed to stick everything that they were going to eat for lunch in between bread. They shoved it down their fucking throats and then they just ate it. We're going to end up there and of course we're going to have some fucking drinks. And then we're going to end up in Cleveland the next night. And when we go to fucking Cleveland, by the way, the after party. I never have after parties.

So you know this is going to be the special night. The after party is going to be at Hilarity's Comedy Club downstairs at the Martini bar. So if you want to come down there, me, Bart, Nick, Verzi, and Lai Ed are all going to be there. Stop by, come up, say hello. You know, just buy a couple of drinks in there because Nick Costas is another guy that fucking, you know, that guy used to headline me when I would fill up like a third of his club and he built me up in that market. So, you know, coming through town and I always stop and make sure I pay my respects to one of the legends and stand up comedy. So please come down there, you know, stop by, say hello to us and buy a couple of drinks.

And yeah, whatever. So I think after that, then we're in Indianapolis. That's another fun town to drink in. You know, at some point I just have to admit that I like to drink, right? But I'm just going to keep working out. I'm trying to fucking, I'm losing the battle. You know what I mean? Like I've put on like, you know, a couple, two, three here, but you know, I'm still going to the gym.

So rather than putting on fucking seven, putting on two, three pounds is a bad. You put on seven, that's when you just start to give up on yourself. Don't give up on me. That's when you start giving up on yourself and then you're fucking in trouble. All right. Can I talk good fellas here? The greatest guy fucking movie of all time. We watched it again and it's just, I was watching it last night and what I realized is it's just a bunch of scenes that to me, as far as like a stand up comic.

It's the equivalent of an unbelievable closing joke, like a chunk of material, but it's every fucking scene. Every scene is a fucking closer. It's the greatest fucking movie that's ever been made. I just, you just, you cannot, that is a perfect fucking movie. And every time I watch it, I see something different. You know, it was fucking great. It was in the beginning of the movie when it's raining out, right? And a young Henry Hill is holding the umbrella and that guy gets mad at him for wasting eight aprons.

He's got the cigar in his mouth, the run that he does, the way he runs over to Paulie's house and then he runs back over the phone. His run and the unlit cigar in his mouth. It's just so fucking perfect. It kills me. It's a fucking masterpiece. So we watched it so many times. I'm trying to, I'm trying to, you know, I got a couple of questions because everything in there means something, you know, Scorsese, you know, it means something. So I want to ask you guys a question.

I came up with a theory. Do you know when they, when they got Billy Batson, the trunk of the car, right? And they open it up and he's still alive and they fucking shoot him and stab him and all of that. You know, it's backlit and it's all red. And then again, when they go to dig them up, it's all fucking red. Like that's the whole sky. It isn't just the brake lights of the car. It's the whole fucking sky.

And my theory was the reason why it was red was because that move was what got Tommy whacked. And that was sort of the beginning of the end of their crew. You know what I mean? That's like a theory I have. The theory I have about in the end when Henry Hill is fucking crying like a fucking bitch in the end. By the end of the movie, I hate the character because he fucking, he went out and did exactly what fucking Paulie told him not to do. And then he gets caught and he fucking rats everybody else. And he's fucking, get egg noodles and ketchup.

Dude, you should be in fucking jail. You cunt. The end, you know, when he's sitting there talking, when he just got done testifying, all of a sudden they cut to Tommy and he just brings the gun up and he just starts shooting. That's Tommy from beyond the grave because he ratted out Jimmy and Paulie. I think that that's him coming back from the grave. Like this is what I would have fucking done to you, Henry. I would have fucking whacked you. These are all just my theories.

Joe DeRosa has a great theory where at some point Paulie is talking to Henry Hill and he's making those sausages. He said there's an expression, the pigs are in the fire, which means shit has already been set in motion as he's sitting there telling him not to fucking get involved with drugs. Like that's the level like I'm trying to watch the movie at this point. So I got a question for you. Just basically when it's backlit and red, why do you think it's backlit and red like that? And then also, why did they cut to that fucking old school clip of that guy singing? You know, he's whistling like a bird, you know that part? Goodbye, touch a good boy.

You know, when they show that part. I was saying a verge last night, I go, why do you think he shows that clip? It's like, you know, it means something. I'm trying to think of the era. I'm trying to think of the lyrics of the song for the life of me. I don't have a fucking theory. You guys, does this sound like my conspiracy theories except accept them? I'm fucking talking about good fellas.

I don't know. Anyways. Oh, last time I almost forgot. Last night when I was at the theater here in Columbus, they had all like these Broadway shows. You know, where they put like the logo Annie or they put like cats or whatever. I can't, I don't know what the fuck they, you know, Mama Mia, all of that stuff. And they, then the whole cast would sign and I always look at all those things and I always think it's fucking cool. Looking at all that stuff and all the performers and the bands and all of that shit.

And so I saw the monkeys were up on the wall and I was a big monkeys fan. I loved the TV show when I was a kid. I thought it was funny as hell and I liked the fucking songs and I'm looking up there. And I see Davey Jones' signature from the 2001 tour. Davey Jones rests his soul. Peter Tork, Mickey Dolan, so then I'm looking, going, did Mike Nesmith ever come back? He never came back. Did he?

And then right as I was thinking like, oh, wait a minute, way back in the day. Like I'm going back like 12, 13 years ago. I used to take drum lessons at this place called the drummers collective, the drummer collective in New York City, which just has a bunch of monster fucking players down there. These just unbelievable gifted kids go there and then they have these sick ass fucking teachers there. And, you know, but then like a jerk off like me can just come in and start taking lessons. They don't care like whatever your talent level is, you know, they'll teach you, right? And right as I was looking at the monkeys thing, I was like, wait a minute, I used to take lessons from this guy, Sandy Gennaro.

Big time Yankee fan lived in Staten Island and I was, you know, obviously a Red Sox fan and that was when the curse was still going on. And I remember I was taking lessons during 2003 and I remember when Pedro fucking through grabbed on Zimmer by his jack-o-lantern, Jack-o-lantern head and fucking threw him down on the ground. And I used to do a bit about that defending, defending Pedro Martinez going, he had, what were his options? To turn around and run, then he's run around from an old man, you know, to hold his ground and punch him. He can't do that because he's an old man or three, grab him by his big Macy Day head and sort of guide him down to the ground. And it actually would get a laugh in New York. But last night, Joe Bartnick finally convinced me it was the wrong thing to do because he looked at me and he just goes, Bill.

He goes, it was Don Zimmer, he's an old man. He goes, an old man comes around you, you just put your arms out and you hug him. You know, he just goes, Donny, your baseball, I can't do this to you. And I just put my head down and I just went, you're right. You're right. And then first he told the story. Dad, I guess, I don't know, at some point, I think after he retired or whatever. There's a baseball story out there that Pedro sat down and had lunch with George Steinbrenner, the late great George Steinbrenner, right?

And to break the ice because that was still hanging in the air, he sits down with them and he just sort of looks, Pedro looks down. He just goes, bless me, father, five, sinned. And I guess Steinbrenner just started laughing and then it was fucking over. How fucking cool is that? I didn't even care if it didn't happen. I just think it's a great fucking story. So anyways, so I used to take drum lessons from Sandy Gennaro and like he was a monster fucking player and he had an unbelievable bass drum foot. And he was the first guy that showed me that slide step thing because I was going through probably my 50th obsession with John Bonham.

And he was the guy who finally showed me how to do that. And he was doing the good times, bad times, lick and all that stuff. He was just a monster player. And one of the things he did, he used to get Peter Chris from KISS ready to go out on tour. You know, we just take him through the paces and all that, get him up to speed so we could go out and go kill it with that, with the band KISS. And another thing he did was he played, he played drums with the monkeys when they would go on the road. And I hadn't thought about taking lessons with them in such a long fucking time. So I'm sitting there in Columbus and I'm looking at the monkeys thing and I see Peter Torek, Davey Jones and Mickey Dolan.

And I was thinking, and it right as I thought, wait a minute, I used to take drum lessons from a guy, Sandy Gennaro, who used to play with these guys. And I know he was on tour with these guys during the time. And right then I looked and I saw his fucking signature was cool as shit. I took a picture of it. And he also played with Cindy Lauper. Like he did like, that's the cool thing about drummer collective. Like they, they had fucking major, major drummers. There was another guy down there and you could just walk in like a fucking bum like me and you could just take fucking lessons from them.

They had another guy down there. The fuck is his name. I'm going blank on it. He used to play with Herbie Hancock. Let me look this up. Herbie Hancock. The guy played on Laugh Funk. Herbie Hancock, you cunt.

There we go. Come on, Bill. Learn how to spell. Laugh Funk drummer. Something simple. Mike something or other. Mike Clark. I couldn't believe it when I went down there.

I just saw the guy go walking by and I was like, is that fucking Mike Clark? They go, yeah. I go, what is he doing here? He's one of the teachers. So you can take a fucking lesson with that guy. Sitting there listening to his shit, trying to figure out how to fucking do it. You could actually walk down and take a lesson. I know there's some of you younger guys.

This is no big fucking deal because you got YouTube and you can just watch the guy and break it down and slow it down. I have some guy back in the day. You couldn't do that. And I was just like, this is why it's great to live in fucking New York City. These fucking guys are actually out here. Anyway, so I'll end on this thing here and I'm going to have to punch in the advertising because I haven't gotten it yet. I'll have to put it in later on when I'm on the bus. But anyways, I discovered a fucking drummer.

I don't know how, where I was. Guy Chris Coleman. Any drummers out there familiar with this guy? He's one of these gospel drummers. This guy's fucking unbelievable. I just stumbled upon a, yeah, I watch a bunch of drum videos on YouTube. They always have them on the fucking sides and it just popped up. And I was like, who's this guy?

I'll check out this guy's playing just a fucking unbelievable solo. So I'm going to put the, I'll post a clip of the picture I took at the theater here in Columbus with the monkeys and the San Gennaro signature. He drew a little drum there. It was fucking cool as shit. And, and also the video clip of Chris Coleman. By the way, by the way, before I get out of here, must win fucking game, obviously for Kansas City. Kansas City has to win this, this game six or I don't know, man. I think Toronto might come back and if they go back to their home, you know, it's turned into a great series.

Remember, I was bitching about that when they were down fucking 02 telling them, you know, I want to see a seven game fucking series. And look at that. Here they come to come storming back. You got to give it up to Toronto. Even if they don't fucking win this next one, man, that team's got major fucking heart. I can't believe I'm missing all these fucking games. I mean, I obviously am out here having a great fucking time, but this is the time of year. I like to be home to actually fucking watch a bunch of baseball.

So I don't know. I don't fucking know whatever. I got to go fuck. I got to get running here. You know what I got to do? I got to go fucking work off at least maybe three of these goddamn cookies. Do you have any fucking cookies they were in here? Let me see how many servings they say this is.

You know, because they always, let's see here, amount of servings, calories, 160 calories from fat 60 serving is three cookies. Serving per curd per curd container is about 4.5. So I had enough Oreo cookies for four and a half fucking people. You fucking freckled cunt. 160 Cal amount per serving is 160. There's no way for that. There's no way three cookies are 160. That's got to be 160 per cookie.

All right, Bill, do the math. That's 300 plus 180. That's 480 calories times three. There's over 12 cookies. Oh, you fucking jerk off. So I got to multiply that 380 times four. That's 1200 and 320. That's over 1500 fucking calories.

You haven't fucking just sweat your balls off on the elliptical for an hour. You're lucky if you make 600 fucking calories. Oh, dude, I got to, I got to go to the fire. I got to go downstairs. I got to hit the gym before I get on the bus. All right, that's the Thursday afternoon podcast. I know it's kind of all over the place. I'm going to try to get some of the guys on the podcast for Monday.

That is it. Thank you to everybody that's been coming out to the shows. And once again, thank you again for the people who brought up the drum videos and the t-shirts and all that shit. You guys don't have to do that stuff. All right, you don't have to do that. I got a ton of fucking shit already that I got to get rid of. And, you know, the last thing I need is more cool. I'm never going to be able to throw out those Pete Rose t-shirts.

They're too fucking cool, right? And then I buy whatever I got to throw. I got it now. I have to throw something out. Well, my old Quebec Nordiques t-shirt, I'm not fucking throwing that out. It's starting to spill into my wife's side of the closet. I'm like abroad with shoes, except it's t-shirts over there. All right, that's the podcast.

Like I said, for this Thursday, you guys have a great weekend and enjoy the throwback half hour, the second half here, the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday, where I just check it on you. All right, now it's time for the reads. And no, I haven't gone to the gym yet. And yes, it is a few hours into the future. And I am on my iPhone over there. All right, blue apron, everybody. It's okay. It's okay.

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What about here? Oh, by the way, I want to thank the 43,000 people who sent me that story about how the world's largest sperm bank has been turning away the jizz of redheads. Okay? Biggest sperm, world's biggest sperm bank tells redheads, we don't need your semen. You know how fucking degrading that is? You're showing up to jerk off into a Dixie Cup

and they turn you away like... No, no, that's all right. That's like telling a stripper to put a clothes back on. It's fucking horrific. You know, but for some reason, people think that that affects my life. It doesn't. All right? They turn away a lot of fucking people.

If you've got different shit in your family, they turn you away. And not to mention, I got to tell you, as a guy, that story has no effect on you, okay? As far as your jizz. I guess, yeah, I can't sell my jizz to a sperm bank. I mean, how... What sort of financial fucking crisis am I going to be in where I'm going down to a Dwayne Reed steel and lube

and then limping into a sperm bank to fucking shoot something into a goddamn graduated cylinder? You know? Really, I can't fucking do that. You think I give a fuck? Let me tell you something. This is what I've learned. This is what I've learned in life, okay?

If you're making money, the ladies want your fucking jizz. I don't give a fuck what you look like. You could be a one-eyed bald midget troll. They want it in them. All right? Trust me. So any redhead who took that in a bad fucking way, just go out and make something of yourself.

I'm telling you, you'll get a fucking 10. And you'll dump a fucking nice, unwanted spooge right in her. That was disgusting, yet pro-redhead. How do you like that, everybody? Pro fucking redhead. Um... I just love... I just love how many people sent me that story.

Like, I swear to God, I said 40,000, but it had to at least be 100, and that's one of the things that I love about the Internet, and I hate it at the same time, because the Internet, I swear to God, allows adults to act the same way you acted when you were in, like, kindergarten or first grade on the playground, where you were just completely uninhibited

and you were mean. Remember that shit? You just walk up to somebody and be like, I don't like your face! Right? You could just be that. And then when you get older, you still think that. You're sitting there in the boardroom going,

look at this guy with his fucking face, his stupid fucking tie, right? You think child is shit, but because you're older and mature, you don't say it. You know? Because, you know, you got debt, and you don't want to get fired.

Well, he's doing a great job, and he told the boss he didn't like his face. That'd be hilarious. Why did you get fired from your last job? You know, and you have to tell him some child is shit like that? Well, the great thing is about the Internet, is it allows you to tap back into that part of you.

You know? And actually, and then debunk the fucking myth that when you become an adult, you still don't think those thoughts that you did when you were in first grade, because now you're older and mature. You still think of them.

You just program not to fucking say them. So, I don't know. At first, I was like, what the fuck? And then by the time the 11th person sent it to me, and then actually, this story broke like two weeks ago, and like two weeks in, is people are still sending me this story.

That's what made me find the Internet fucking hilarious. The fact that somebody's going to listen to this podcast and then send it to me on Twitter after it, that's like that. That's literally that. I don't like your face, na-na-na-na-na shit. That's just, it's fucking childish,

and 99.9. It's just fucking hilarious. Can anybody explain it? I think that's why, well, maybe it's because guys are childish. Why I think guys are so funny is because we have the fucking maturity level. I don't give a fuck what we're doing in our lives.

How much responsibility we have. How much money we're making. How good a husband or a father or anything like that we are. We're still immature as hell. Unless you're just a fucking boring douche anyways. What the fuck do I know, huh? What do I know?

The world doesn't want my sperm. Why would you listen to me? Oh, this just in. The world says fuck you, Bill. Fuck you and your red nuts. We don't want them. Oh my god. How much of an egomaniac am I

that that doesn't even bug me? Then I actually find it funny. The world just said no to me and I still feel good about myself. What kind of a man has an ego to that level? I'll tell you the kind of man who has the balls to do a podcast by himself who actually thinks he's fucking interesting for an hour.

Oh jeez, yeah. You know what? I think I was a little too mean on the fatties. I did. I did what everybody does. I judge fatties the way the world judged my sperm. You know, see people, this is why. This is why my podcast is so mean.

This is why I don't give a shit about other people's feelings. This is why I say cry me a fucking river. I don't give a f- The world just said no to my jizz. The fucking world. There's people out there. Okay?

They're shitting on the side of the road after they fucking, you know, skip out of a bamboo hut. Okay? I come up with my jizz. I'm all set. I'm going to wait for something better. There's people in fucking Colombia, Venezuela.

Who are those people that, what's his face? Help, helped out. Escobar. They were living at the dump. They were living in a junkyard. He went out and built them a small city. Those people, they were living in a junkyard. Those people also said no to my jizz.

This just in, the world says no. So I just don't, I don't have any fucking, I just don't have any sympathy. Yet I do. I understand people don't want to be fat fucks. You know, the same way you understand that you'd like the world to welcome your jizz. As opposed to saying no to it.

You're all alone. You think about me now that I'm gone. When I'm on the road, I often dream and think of you, girl. I hope that you do too. We don't gotta work it out. Cause no one's gonna tell you where to find me when you,

you don't looking for me. I had a paper route. Yes, I did. I still rode a bicycle. Just let me paint a picture for you. Okay. Big reddish orange Afro riding a beach rambler with white wall tires.

This big Pee Wee Herman bike with white wall tires. Fucking insanely giant tires. Like if you went fast enough and slammed on the brakes, it sounded like a car. It went. People thought it was the shit. Now they didn't. Nobody liked me.

Right. So anyways, I had paper route money people. I have been doing the paper route. I, I'm from third grade to freshman year in high school. I got up every fucking morning. Cause there's no day off with papers. Have you noticed that? Even on Christmas, when you wake up,

right, you walk by your children and that woman that you married and you got your robe on, you know, tied nice and tight. So your fucking Hogan doesn't spill out. It's a holiday. Put your junk away, dad. What the fuck?

Right. And you walk to the front door. There's the paper. Why do you think it got there? Well, nowadays it's probably, it's probably thrown there from a car out a car window by a 40 year old. All right.

But when I was young, all right, it was still delivered by children. Yeah, it was great. Back then they had paper boys. Then the broads had to come along. Well, what about paper girls? Why can't we do that awful job? You know, typical fucking broads.

Oh, this is early. Am I already going to say that? Six minutes in. Let me tell you something about these fucking ladies. You know, funny thing about feminism is they sat there. Sometimes you just, you got to really look, you got to really examine what you're asking for.

It's kind of like gay people pushing for the right to get married. It's like, do they have any fucking idea what they're signing up for? You know, they're so wrapped up in being treated the exact same way as heterosexuals, which they should be, right?

I'm not giving you a rough time there. Twinkle toes. You should be. Okay. But they're there. There are some advantages of being gay. One of them is you don't have to get married. You can have a life partner, right?

And at no point in the relationship can the dude sit there, right? He's got his head on your shoulder playing with your chest hair. You know, and you can just feel the sadness of his head. And then you go, what's the matter, Scott? You know, you know,

I don't know why Scott struck me as funny. What's the matter, Scott? You don't seem like your normal self. And he could be like, where is this relationship going? And then you're in that. Then you're in that. And then you got to get married

and you got to put all your shit on the line, right? Well, let me ask you this, gay guys. What if Scott is a fucking bum? What if he sucks at math? What if he's not an earner? You ever think about that? During your parades? Have you ever thought about that?

What if he's a fucking loser? Loser? Then what? And then three years later, you're under a lot of stress because you got to fucking support his ass too. You don't have time to go to the gym and keep your abs all in shape, right?

And all of a sudden you get a little doughy. A little doughy, right? He's a guy. He totally judges people by how they look in a tight shirt, right? He fucking walks out on you. Walks out on you. Takes half your shit.

And now you got to pay alimony for a goddamn man. Don't you ever think about that? Well, you should. All right, don't fucking do what. Why, why, you know? Oh, that would be great. Do you guys have common law marriage?

Or do they not even recognize that because you're both either women or both guys? Fucking advantages of that. It's just, it's incredible. You know? It's almost worth the rejection, wouldn't you say?

Oh, whatever. Go fuck yourselves up. Olah, Bill. My younger brother and I have been having this debate about weather. He took his girlfriend's virginity. Oh, I thought this was going to be about

a guy who's still a virgin. This might get ugly. All right, my brother and I have been having this debate about whether he took his girlfriend's virginity. I thought this was going to be about a guy who's still a virgin.

All right, this might get ugly. All right, my brother and I have been having this debate about whether he took his girlfriend's virginity. Basically, my brother, who is now 20, has been dating the same chick since they met in Catholic High School. He says his girlfriend is saving herself

for marriage like a good Catholic. My brother, on the other hand, lost his virginity before they met. So get this. Get a load of this. This guy's writing it like it's the 20. Here's the kick, I say. Instead of typical fucking, this chick lets my brother

fuck her in the ass. Let's read that again. So get this. Get a load of this. Instead of typical fucking, this chick lets my brother fuck her in the ass. And furthermore, she has convinced him that she is still a virgin. I tell my brother,

first, consider yourself lucky because most women will never let you do that. This chick is not only a fucking whore, but is fucking royally stupid. According to her Catholic standards, if you only have anal sex, then you're still a virgin.

This is complete horseshit. It's sad to me because I know this isn't an isolated incident, but rather a growing phenomenon. What websites are you going to, sir? It appears that more and more so-called Catholic school goodie-to-shoe bitches

have been brainwashed to think that they're holy in the eyes of the Lord by maintaining their virginity even though they spread their butt cheeks and showed that, alright, alright, Jesus Christ. Please, Bill, for the love of all that is holy, help me to convince not only my brother,

but all these so-called children of God that even if you don't fuck a girl in their vagina that a girl loses her virginia. Virginity. When she gets banged in the ass. This is the problem with lack of

sexual education in this country, particularly when it comes to like Catholic school and religion. Alright, before you get on your soapbox, do you feel- I thought that's why I was in here. Do you feel- To get on my soapbox. I just knocked you off. Do you feel that this woman

is still a virgin? No. She's not a virgin? No. Even though when you go to put it in her- Her hymen isn't broken, but- Her hymen isn't in place. It's basically- The seal hasn't been broken on the bottle, but you screwed in the bottom and all the liquid is poured out.

Yeah, this is a problem though, because it's like you're supposed to be this virtuous woman. So yeah, it does create this weird complex in you. And then you do one of the most skankiest sex acts you could possibly do. Why is that skanky?

It's all sex. Look. Listen. Listen. No, you listen. Listen. Because different sex acts is a sex act. They shouldn't be demonized one way or another. And I take Umbridge with this guy calling this girl a whore just because she's having anal sex.

Okay? Are you a whore because you bang girls? Shut the fuck up. No, that's not true. That's not true. That's wrong. That's the wrong way to look at it. No, that's how I work at it. He's not a whore. Well, he's calling her a whore just because she's having anal sex. She is a whore. Why? Because she took it in the

first place. So? So do a lot of people. That doesn't make them whores. It's a sex act. Yeah. But it's a dirty filthy one. Well, that's your issue and people need to let that go. But as far as him, though, it doesn't matter matter what he does. He's never going to be a whore. He's a guy. Right.

Right. Listen. Let me, I'll explain it to you this way. If you take that patronizing tone with me, you don't, well, you already used the word Umbridge. Yeah, because I'm smart. Don't get confused. All right. You're all insecure. I don't know what Umbridge. I take Umbridge.

Um, I take Umbridge with the fact that you used Umbridge. It didn't warn me that you were going to do that. Can you see the look in my eyes? What the fuck is it? Was this Meet the Press? No. Listen to me. I've heard a lot of girls are doing that these days. They're having anal sex thinking that it's not regular sex.

But it's all sex people. So if you're taking it in the ass or you're taking it in the... No. Okay, let's let's let's look at it like a drug way. Okay. In a drug sense. Okay. All right. Making out. That's like you had a beer. Getting felt up.

You smoked a joint. Going to third. Going to second. Well, what place am I on right now? Third. Going to third is like you just did some blow and getting fucked. No, wait. You're all over the place.

I went all over the place. I lost my train of thought there. Okay. Yeah. If it was like drugs. Okay. First base is drinking. Second base is weed. Third base is coke. Or maybe shrooms. It's shrooms. A home is

coke. And then getting banged in the ass is heroin with some meth. That's like you're not coming back. All right. So she skipped. That's what she did. She went from just sort of drinking and smoking some weed and went straight to meth.

It's beyond needy. It's beyond. You ran past home plate. You went into the dugout. You kept going past the showers and you ran right out of the fucking stadium. Why is he worried about his brother and the girl that he's fucking? Why don't you worry about getting your own piece of tail? He actually agrees

with you. He agrees with you that there's a misinformation out here. Yeah, but he's directing it towards the girls that are doing it. Not to the people who come up with these rules to begin with. That's where his anger should be. This is what I wanted to explain to you. I'm standing up. I'm walking around. Which means

I'm about ready to drop some knowledge. All right. Here you go. This is the deal. He's not interested in knowledge. He's interested in judgment and shaming people. Oh Jesus. They just never stop. This is why. This is why

if a guy does it, he's not a whore. If a woman does it, she is. Okay. This is first of all why it's not a big deal if a guy engages in that act. It's basically it's because we enter. You know,

you allow somebody to enter your body. That's like so much more than like what the fuck we do. That's why sex is not a big deal to us. I've told you this analogy before. That basically, this is the deal. If somebody said, hey, I'll give you a thousand bucks

to go over to that. Say there's a birthday kick. Give you a thousand bucks to go over there and just stick your finger in it. You do it in a second, right? Yes. If somebody said, I'll give you a thousand bucks to take that cake and shove it up your ass. All right. You'd have some questions.

Where is that cake been? What do I get out of it? You didn't negotiate for more fucking money. So that's the same thing. That's just what we do. Sticking our fingers in cakes. That's how much sex means to us. I think that's the bullshit.

Well, I don't expect you to understand it. I'm not saying that I don't understand. This isn't about my comprehension. That's why you guys think way more about who you're going to have sex with because you're letting somebody enter your fucking body.

I'm just walking around on poking people. No, it's conditioning. It's not like reality. It's conditioning. You grow up with this idea that you're supposed to not feel a certain way. If you use the word society, I swear to God. We are just brainwashed

from day one that what we do is wrong. It's conditioning. There are many guys who have had emotional moments when having sex with somebody they just don't want to talk about for a minute. You. I've had an emotional moment. Yeah. Like what? Oh, God.

Why are you making it sound like I cried or something during? I never did that. No, no, you never did that. So why did you just say that? You're just making shit up. You went from I'm sure this guys out there. There's no research behind that. And then you just threw that out there. Would you like me

to talk about my research or would that make you uncomfortable? Oh, this is World Series of Poker. You just went all in. Now I got to figure out if you're bluffing or not. Am I going to call your hand? Oh, you're staring right at me. Oh, you fucking pain

in the head. I'm folding. I'm folding. Why do you always do this to me on the podcast? Do what? This is the second time. Call you on your bullshit? I thought that's what I was here for. If you ever do that again, saying that nodding with your eyebrows. Calling you when you bullshit.

The fucking ego of females. You guys are just always patting yourself on the back. As are you. Let me tell you something right now. If you were a fucking dude right now, I'd kick you in the chest and watch you fall right off the bed. But I can't do it because that's what you deserve right now. But I can't do it because you're a

fucking idiot. I got an overrated for you. Overrated. Picking up a fucking magazine that lists 10 great places to go to breakfast and then believing that no one else read the magazine

and there's not going to be a line three miles long the next fucking morning when you show up to get your pancakes. That's exactly what happened. We pull up and I see this fucking looks like a goddamn bread line during the depression. With Nia and her mom and I immediately just go

hey you guys want to go somewhere else and then somebody in the car goes well there's probably going to be a line everywhere right? So we fucking stand in line for 40 minutes. Got to the point I'm crouching down like a my back is killing my lower back like I'm so old I can't stand

for longer than like 20 minutes without my lower back killing me so I'm standing there 40 minutes in I'm crouching down like you ever see Asians when they have a conversation in China how they just fucking they can crouch down like that or people in India

they crouch down like that they've been doing it their whole lives so their hamstrings are all stretched out I was down like that my big head turning all red I'm trying to stand in a little bit of the shade and uh

I don't know finally I was like let's get the fuck out of here right? So everybody agreed we leave and we end up going I mean we stood in line for breakfast so long it was now time to get lunch so we end up going down we're on Santa Monica and we go down into West Hollywood and there's a

place down there hamburger Harry's they have great fucking uh they got great burgers and it's one of but it's also one of the gayest places you'll ever go to in your life I didn't realize how gay it was and I went there and the waiter was like really gay or whatever but I didn't

really think about it right so I drop off the ladies and I go over and I park the car I get out of the car and I come walking in and I'm starving and as I'm walking in all of a sudden this guy pushes me in the back like gave me a nice little

shove and I turn around and he goes do you need a table hahahaha this fucking this fucking gay dude pushed me in the back he pushed me like fucked up like not hard enough to make me stumble

but hard enough to fuck up the gate of my walk and immediately you know felt the feelings you feel when somebody fucking pushes you when I turn around like what the fuck and the guy's just down there do you need a table and I went no I'm just meeting them over there

and then he kind of had a weird look on his face and he walked away and I sit down and he's like hey how's it going like how's it going I go that fucking gay guy just pushed me so I tell him the story and I go what the fuck is this some gay thing you just fucking go around pushing people

and then Nia goes he was probably hitting on you right so now my ego kicks in I'm like fuck I still am in shape so for any of my fucking twinkle-toed listeners out there is that how you guys hit on each other was that just like hey silly

do you want a table is that what he was doing was fucking annoying whatever it was then I felt embarrassed then I felt bad like like that look on his face when I went now I'm sitting over here like then he thought that I don't know what that I was saying get out of here you queer

you know because that's a whole big fucking thing now you got to be nice to those guys what the fuck I'm saying so anyways so we sit down alright and immediately the dude comes over I'm gonna take your order we fucking order and we're getting our food immediately

the way you should when you go out to eat so now despite the fact that the fucking the waiter pushed me like that dude who pushed Zidane O'Chara after he scored the goal that's basically how he pushed me and then I turned around and looked at him like I was gonna run him into the boards basically right

so they fucking bring the food over it's delicious everything's going great and then all of a sudden this fucking dude gets on the mic and you can't see him he's like okay everybody show starting in ten minutes right

and I say Nia go what's going on she goes evidently they're gonna have a show so it's fucking broad daylight out I guess they're gonna come out and drag and they're gonna do a show like this this is how gay this place is that they're gonna have a brunch

slash transvestite lip-sync fucking show and I gotta tell you it was absolutely fucking hilarious we were sitting there and the guy on the mic it's like 11 30 in the morning and he said cunt on the mic

he goes come on bitches drink up we're having a show don't be a bunch of something he goes sorry I'm sorry I'm just feeling a little cunty I'm sitting there with Nia's mom and this guy starts saying cunt

like every other fucking word in broad daylight and as a comedian I had to respect the guy alright I've never said cunt on stage when the sun's out I'm not gonna lie to you I barely say it on stage I say it a ton of times here because it's ridiculous but I really don't say it that much

on a comedy club stage and this dude slash half a lady is saying cunt every other word at brunch and uh so anyway so they come down like three of them the host sucked

right he had this giant head with this huge fucking uh I don't know what blonde wig on and he was like doing jokes that should have been funny but weren't at some point he said something about a bloody pussy

and we're sitting here eating brunch and he makes a bloody pussy joke so just as a comedian this should have been hilarious but timing was awful he just set up and then he'd mumble the punchline and he was annoying me the next one came out was alright the dude looked like Nancy Grace

so that was cracking me up and then uh the next one looked like a soccer mom if she was in Battlestar Galactica you know you know when they have those uh you know they get that Woodstock Ellen DeGeneres haircut

kinda had that but spiked up and then the last one freaked me out there's always one that's gonna freak you out because it's gonna almost look like a fucking chick so it had like ass implants and it's like I'm trying to eat and I gotta get out of here so I go up I walk out of the restaurant

cause you know it's one of those deals you it's like when in Rome you went into their place you gotta tolerate then it becomes this that point where you're just like alright this is this is too fucking creepy I gotta get out of here so I walk out

and I'm standing on the corner out in front of this place that turned into the gayest place I've ever been in and I gotta tell you I walk down the street all the time in LA nobody ever tells me that they saw me nobody's ever seen me nothing I come walking out of this place right and this

behind me is this some transvestite that almost looks like a chick with ass implants and is dancing to salt and pepper push it I swear to god so I'm standing out in front of that place and it's that part of the song is going

ah push it and this guy pulls up from the comedy store stopping at the red light he's like hey Bill how you doing and I'm just like hey how's it going and the fucking background and my face literally turned red with embarrassment

but fortunately fortunately the guy owned a restaurant across the way so then he ended up coming out coming over to me coming out how fucking funny is that he comes over to me and he goes you know to shoot to shit because I've been

telling him I was going to go to his restaurant and that just then fortunately Nia and her mom walked out and I've never been so relieved to be like this is my girlfriend and this is this is her mom I didn't know

that there was going to be a fucking it was like a a mid 80s I don't know what a mid 80s sitcom you know with this situation music

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