Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-19

Episode Date: October 24, 2019

Bill rambles about free time, errands, and deleting tweets.

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Not having shit going on in your fucking life. And the phone doesn't ring. You know, because this is a deal. Someday you're gonna have shit going on in your life. And you're gonna look back to those days when you didn't have shit going on. And you're gonna be like, what the fuck? I was sitting there stressing the whole time. I could have sat around and watched reruns of Mary Tyler more.

Could have watched The Price Is Right. You know? That's crushing it right there. If you eat three meals in a day, you didn't go to work and you watched The Price Is Right. And you have the fucking nerve to pray to a higher power that day, It's such a cruel world, isn't it? Which of course I'd be stressing out too. If I had nothing going on and I was sitting around watching The Price Is Right.

You know, eating White Castle, I hop in the morning. Just hitting all the fucking classic fast food restaurants. You can't enjoy it because these fucking banker cunts, they just want you to keep running on the wheel. It's unbelievable. It doesn't make any, the whole way these things, you know that fucking shit that that kid sent me in that they're gonna be trading futures on people's, or whatever the fucking expression is, with people's carbon footprint.

You know, I think that finally made me figure out, you know, without any sort of researcher context to any sort of Bilderberg inner circle. I think I just sat here and thought about it and I figured it out because I didn't discuss it with another human being. So it makes sense and now I'm gonna say it to you. I think that that's why they don't fucking discuss the population problem. Because they just, you look at us like the more of us there are, the more money they can make.

You know, I think I'm into the conspiracy theory now that there's a certain level of sociopath. You have to be the further up you go in the power rankings of the BCS, you know, white guy, you know, can't just blame white guys, you know what I mean? Although we're having a hell of a run. There's sociopaths in all races. I don't know what the fuck, you know, you see these fucking warlords and shit. I mean, they're doing the same goddamn shit. I don't know what it is.

Cult leaders and all of that fucking crap. They just don't give a fuck. They view it like, this is my life. I'm gonna live from here to about here. We'll say 80, 90 years old, you know, if I'm lucky, right? And the world isn't gonna end during that time. So I don't give a fuck what happens after me, even to my own goddamn children. I don't give a shit.

I'm not going to be here. Just have an inability to think that fucking far. I don't know. The more I hear about a, there's a couple of candidates out there that are running for president that I'm going to vote for and everybody's going to say I'm wasting my vote, but I am not, I'm not voting for fucking this douche Trump and I'm not voting for that fucking idiot, Joe Biden. Joe Biden's like the, you ever see like a fucking sitcom and they have the mom and dad character? He's like the fucking dad character and they gradually just write him out of the script.

Because he's just not bringing it. I don't, I don't fucking get it. Anyway, but what is cool, if you do it just so you don't want to listen to the pontifications of someone who doesn't fucking read or whatever. Joe Rogan had fucking Snowden as a guest. I mean, that's a moment in podcasting history. I'd say Mark Marin having a standing president, Barack Obama, who's killing it out there on the road. Everybody talking about Kevin Hart selling out a football stadium. You've seen what fucking Obama's been doing.

Guys making money out there. So's his wife. They're like the Jay-Z and Beyonce of political people, you know, selling the same arenas, never wrote a hit song. Oh, I'm back. Sorry about that. The fucking goddamn machine just busted. I was on a nice little run there talking about the Obama's and the Jay-Z's and what happened?

What happened? You know what happened? My whole day went to fucking shit. You know, I was talking earlier about, you know, what's underrated. Underrated is having nothing to do all day. It's just scary when the reason you have nothing to do all day is because nobody wants you. You don't have a job. You ain't got no girlfriend.

You ain't got a friend. Right? You ain't got anybody. I'm telling you right now, I'm talking to you homeless people, living out on the streets, listening to your Walkmans. I know it seems bad right now. All right, you're using a dead bird for a pillow, but just know something. It's all going to turn around. And someday you're going to look back and be like, you know what, as homeless, as sunburned, and as chapped as I was,

I would give anything right now to take a nap on a sidewalk on a Wednesday afternoon just to have that moment to myself. That's something you need to learn when you're homeless. The sidewalk is always warmer across the street. Oh, Bill, what's wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with me. Since my recorder went out, okay, which I would love to sit here and tell you that I handled like a mature adult, but I flipped the fuck out as I did since, you know, in your world, the magical world of editing, what I've done since I just said, you know, before I said I was back to the point where I said I was back,

I went, I got, I Ubered over, got my car picked up from service. I came back, took my dog, Cleodeo, she's in town. I'm taking her for a walk every single day. I took her for a walk around the block. I went over to Federal Express. I picked up a fucking package. I came home. I fucking made breakfast for everybody.

I thought people wanted smoothies. Turned out people wanted pancakes. I adjusted. I've made my breakfast half time adjustments. Came right back down, did all the fucking dishes, did all the fucking dishes, picked up my wife's little paper wrapper on her teabag that she left on a counter, you know. This is what kills me. I remember back in the day when I was growing up in the military,

I used to try and make you feel guilty, go, you more before 9 a.m. Then you do all day. Go fuck yourself. No, you don't. You guys having a great time. Hanging out with all your friends, singing songs. Everything rhymes, you know. Fuck out of here.

I'd rather go march around singing some fucking dirty limericks than fucking do a bunch of dad errands. Oh, we're marching. That is a fucking pet peeve of mine as I'm doing it to you guys. I fucking hate when people tell me how hard they're working. You know, I don't like when people dunk a ball and start thumping their chest. Let me know how awesome they are. I don't need, I don't need any of that extra information.

I can look at you. I can see what you're doing. You don't need to fill in my thoughts for me. I don't know, Kevin Hart. I'll never get over that. Never. So anyways, let's talk NFL football real quickly. Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that debacle?

You know, Monday night, Patriots vs. the Jets. That wasn't even a fucking professional game. All right. And if I hear one more jackass on ESPN talking about the Patriots defense, how it's one of the greatest defenses of all time. Okay, they're obviously not looking at our special. Our special, our fucking Patriots. Patriots also did a Netflix stand-up special.

All 40 fucking eight of them. Although what's his face? Edelman, did you hear him do his impression of Chewbacca? He crushed it. But anyway, if anybody looked at our schedule, they will realize that we got the Cleveland Browns this week. We are just feasting on bottom feeders so far. I'm not saying we have a bad defense.

I'm not saying our defense might not be the greatest of all time. I'm just saying we haven't fucking played anybody. And I'm not gonna fucking do it first. If we do to the Ravens what we did to the Jets Monday night, then I will be, I will co-sign on what they're saying. Not the greatest of all time. Okay. But I'm just saying, I don't know what the, like,

I always take the bait. It's just ESPN's job to sell these games and tell you that what you're watching is the most unbelievable thing ever. And, you know, nine times out of ten, they're fucking wrong. But sometimes they're right. Like I remember a year or so ago when Patrick Mahomes came out and he threw a fucking screen pass and they're, I hope you realize what you just saw.

And you know what? I made fun of that guy and he was right. Patrick Mahomes is fucking amazing. I hate that he's injured because we're gonna be playing him. And who wants, where's the fun in that? You know, you want everybody 100%. So then when your team wins, then you can truly stand upright, strut around, and act like you made some sort of contribution that afternoon.

You know? We get it, Bill. You ran a bunch of errands and you want credit, but did you make a tag on Sunday? Huh? Did you sit in the war room making halftime adjustments? Jesus Christ, the Jets quarterback had fucking mono. It came back looking like it had amnesia.

Jesus Christ. I mean, that was just, that was an ugly performance. I got to give, I gotta give, can I give a shout out right now to Jets fans? You know, everybody talks about long suffering Knicks fans. You know, you know, whatever. Jets fans. And you know what it is?

It's not only that they keep showing up, it's the level of hope that they have at one and four, because they beat the Cowboys the week before. Did you fucking see them in the parking lot? I know the cameras on, so they were hamming it up, but they really thought that they were gonna beat the Patriots. We're turning it around. That team the Patriots played in September was not these New York Jets.

This is the second coming of Joe Namath. Every fucking, that's, I know, these franchises that live in the past, that one time they had a fucking success, the Flyers, the Jets, all of that. You can't do it. Red Sox did it with all that stupid curse of the babes shit. That was fucking saddled around her goddamn neck

thanks to guys like Dan Shaughnessy. That was one of the dumbest curses, one of the stupidest things ever. Do you think there's anything to it? No, I don't. I think we're just in a nipped franchise to the point we have to make up stories about ghosts and goblins. All the players that played for the last 100 years

were available for our scouts to see and draft, and we did not, sir. But if you want to start talking about some fucking fat guy from 100 years ago, or a goddamn goat, I mean, all right. Up there on your sports widow walk, pacing back and forth. One of my favorite things to do is to argue with,

you know, I haven't been paying attention to the fucking World Series, arguing about Yankee fans about how great Babe Ruth was or wasn't, and like, I always, this is what I always say, I would say the guy could play in any era, but in this era, there's no way he wins his Cy Young and hits 713 homeruns or whatever the hell he hit. I'm not saying he wouldn't do one or the other. He could be a Cy Young Hall of Fame pitcher

or a Hall of Fame hitter, absolutely, but he ain't putting those numbers up. And people go, why, Bill? Did you see Ken Burns' documentary on baseball and the fastball? Did you fucking see that? I don't need to watch that. I don't need all the information to have a strong opinion. No, this is what, this is the stats I look.

I look at people hitting 400. All right? And if you look at people hitting 400, it happened on a regular basis, right up until Teddy Ballgame did it in the 1940s. And, you know, there was times more than one person hit 400 in a season. All right?

This fucking guy hit 400 over 70 years ago, and nobody has done it since. So what do people say? Are they going to sit there and admit that the people they were watching were playing in sort of a new thing? All white sort of professional beer league? No, I mean, it's not a beer league, but come on.

They don't do that. So instead, what they do is they start inventing the ghost and goblin things like Ted Williams' eyes, man. He could pick, he could see the seam. He could see it as it was fucking, you know, they always do that shit. Come on. The fuck out of here.

You know, this should be an asterisk next to all those, those, if you were fucking crushing home runs or winning titles of Stanley Cups and shit and the Three Stooges were still making movies, I mean, come on. What are we doing? Just the amount of competition. Now that everybody's, you know, allowed to compete,

you know, the level of nutrition, what you have to do to get an edge out there, the amount of game film that you have to fuck. You can't sit around eating hot dogs, fucking hookers on trains, and then going up there and just pointing, yeah, it's going right out there. He did that in a major league baseball game. The fuck out of here.

All right. You got to study game film. You have to be like, you got to be like Tom Brady, knowing what the fuck you're going to eat nine years from now, right? You're fucking running with a goddamn tire strapped to you as you're carrying a desk. Whatever the fuck it is, these people are doing.

You know, you got to let air out of a ball. You got to film people from across the sideline. You didn't have to do that back then. Now, obviously, if those guys all played today, they would be doing the same thing. Okay. They would also be, you know, taking steroids, whatever the fuck they would be doing.

All right. Eating power bars and watching game films on a flat screen TV. Absolutely. Are you guys with me on that or do you think I'm nuts? Or is it the greatest athletes for some time, for some reason, were just made a hundred years ago? We're taking colors.

All right. How far away? Five minutes on the first one. So I'm up to 16 minutes here. Anyways, we've got more football tonight. My LSU Tigers, my adopted Southern football team is LSU. My Northern one is Michigan because of relatives. I've watched them my whole life.

LSU Tigers have Auburn this week. They're going to get after it down there. I'm looking at the War Eagle Southern Alabama. Well, maybe it's in Death Valley. I don't fucking know. I really don't have the time. I don't know if I've let you guys know how busy I am. So I've given up on knowing names and stats,

and it kind of aligns with my knowledge of the game anyways. You know, because before I used to actually know the names of the players and I knew stats, and then I attached it to my ignorant, uninformed thoughts. But now that I don't even know the names, I think it'll be a lot more palatable. Palatable? Is that how you say it?

Anyway, I did a great fucking benefit the other day for Crohn's disease down at Largo. And it's just one of those great shows that they have at Largo. It's just a mix of people that I don't think would ever work together. It was Jacob Dillon, Josh Homme, and both of them played music sets. And then I went up and did some dick jokes afterwards, and we had the fucking best time. And, dude, musicians are unbelievable.

They were like what they do. I was sitting there like waiting to go on, you know, on the side of the stage, listening to Jacob Dillon. He had like two other guys up there with him. Of course, I should know the names, but I'm an idiot. And how good they sounded. I was hanging there with Bartnick. I'd go, can you believe like what we're listening to is live?

Like this isn't recorded. That's how good it sounded. And then Josh came out after that and totally fucking crushed it. You know, just, I don't like, I'm always envious of the vibe that musicians can have with a crowd. I don't know, maybe if I wrote some nicer jokes. I fucking hate where my act is right now. I was loving where it was at, and now I'm just, it's fighting me right now.

You know, like when you're trying to make a point with your wife and she's not listening, so you try to hold her down, but she won't stop squirming. That is what I'm talking about. I'm doing that artistically with my act. How stupid was it that all those people got upset with that fucking guy? You know, everything. He's going to be, he's going to get fired.

I love how just like being an asshole now. The guy, he's just being an asshole. He's got a little champagne in him. He's being an asshole. Then all of a sudden people want the guy to lose his career. It's fucking unbelievable. Fucking assholes. Like all of these fucking people that say somebody should lose their job.

I just wish like the feds would show up at their house, grab their laptop, grab their cell phone, and just pour through all their emails and fucking everything. And it's like, all right. You just hold them away from the people and be like, all right, before we go into this, stop your crying. Before we delve into this, we're going to give you one last chance.

Are you willing to delete your tweet about this person you've never met in your life? Or are we going to go into your smart phone and your laptop? Find out all of your secrets and you're going to go down with them. You have five seconds, four, three, two. All right, all right, forget it. You'd watch them all back the fuck down. Everybody's got something. Everybody's got at least one fucking dead pet that they fucking took a day out on,

buried in their backyard. Oh, come on, Bill. Is that something that we need this close to a weekend? Did we really need that? We once in a while, you fucking flipped out. You pulled a Denzel. Denzel's always slapping liquids out of other actress' hands. We seem to have a drink in their hand and he comes over and he fucking slaps it out of them.

I always wonder if he says before the scene, hey, what's your name? Frank, Frank, can you do me a favor? Can you hold a cup of water? I don't really think my character's thirsty. I said, hold it, I'm Denzel! All right, and then you got to fucking hold a cup of water and he comes over. Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

She just fucking slaps at us. It's one of my favorite things in cinema. If I ever get to do a scene with that guy, I don't give a fuck what my character's doing. I'm holding like a pitcher of beer or something. Fucking wardrobe people are going to be, oh, piss. Oh, man, he's going to get wet every fucking take, man. We only have three of those shirts.

All right. Anyways, as I was mentioning, listen to Joe Rogan's podcast. Not like I need to promote it. Everybody in the world is listening to it, but Andrew Snowden is on it, which is just fucking amazing. Jesus Christ. It's incredible. Have you ever really been into something and you try to convince somebody that it's fucking cool

and they're just not having it? And then for some stupid reason, you just keep trying to convince them until it literally almost ends your friendship with somebody. I did that the other day talking to somebody about a Mercedes-Benz AMG E63 station wagon. It's basically a race car, but it's a station wagon. And this person could not get past the fact that it was a fucking station wagon. And I kept going, that's what makes it cool. It's the first time I said, I was like, no, no, no, that's what makes it cool.

And then by the end, I said it the first time on the podcast here. And by then, everybody in the Dairy Queen's looking over, they're stunned, their ice cream's starting to pour down on their fucking hand. It's just, you're like, sorry, I just really like this station wagon. I'm telling you right fucking now, if I didn't love my car so much, and if I wasn't such a frugal son of a bitch, I would buy one of those motherfuckers. Okay, I would put my drums in the back. I would wait until three minutes before the show I didn't have,

and I would drive to a courtyard area. I would set them up and force people to listen to how much I suck. I haven't been playing as much as I have wanted to lately because of errands. And I realized, I think I need to get an assistant. I think that's how rich people do it, right? I'm selling enough tickets. I'm paying enough taxes. I need to address the fact where I am right now economically.

And I realized that once you get to a certain level of wealth, you either get an assistant or you adopt two inner city children. That's what you do. That's going to be my thing, except I won't raise them. It's just so they can do my errands. Right now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. You guys are going to have fun doing all the shit I don't want to. Pick up my dry cleaning, go to the grocery store,

pick up the package at FedEx, quit your crying, get on your bike, I don't give a shit. Sorry. Yeah, I got an argument about a goddamn station wagon. So I'm trying to prove it to the person. I go look that fucking thing up on YouTube and the biggest nerds ever are reviewing it. And none of them are, you know, if you just look up the car

and you do a review, none of them have any audio about how the car sounds. None of them are driving around fast. They're all driving it like a fucking station wagon. It's just the nerdiest people ever. Like, this car intrigues me because, I mean, it's a station wagon and yet it has a twin-turbo, 647 horsepower. That's all this, and they're just sitting there driving along. And then there's this one Southern guy.

At least you get to listen to that twang. He's like, I mean, I don't know why they made something like this, but I love it. And it's got a lot of pickup and you really enjoy it. And maybe you could also experience on some level what I'm experiencing, except you're never going to hear the engine. Dude, one of the people, the person is driving it through a neighborhood, going around an S-turn.

I mean, I could have been on a fucking tricycle, hanging under the bumper and not tipped over. So finally, what I had to do is just type in the engine. And then finally I heard the fuck. And then finally the engine, and then they finally get to see what it's like. It's a fucking sleeper. And I actually, I was so frustrated with my friend that I actually went to their website. I built the fucking car, the color that I want,

and the rims and everything, and then I took a picture of it and I sent it to Dean Delray. And Dean Delray immediately wrote back, that car is God. That's why I love Dean Delray. I mean, dude, it's a fucking station wagon. All right, just go get your Shelby Mustang, you fucking jerk off. All right, you can tell by how cranky I am that I'm approaching 48 weeks and not drinking. And I would love to tell you that I've just left that habit behind,

but I can feel it, man. You know, like in those horror movies where you're running away from fucking Jason and he's just walking, but for some reason you never put any distance between you and that? That's what my drinking is like. All right? I have a little fridge out in the garage, everybody. I'm not gonna lie to you, okay? I got another fridge out of there.

When I open that fridge, I'm not Bill anymore. My name's Hank. And Hank likes to drink, okay? Bill doesn't drink. He goes to the house and he makes pancakes and he goes to fucking FedEx and picks up the goddamn package and makes smoothies for everybody. But I'll tell you, Hank, Hank goes out in the goddamn garage and he's a fucking man. Um, no.

I actually have a six pack of Miller High Life, one Bud Light, and some 100% pure cranberry juice, and my refrigerator. Let me take you through all of that. The Bud Light, I don't know where I got that from. All right? The cops ever show up in this fingerprints of a hooker on there. I'm fucking dead because I have no timeline. I don't know where I got it.

Okay? I'm just leveling with you. And then the fucking, the Miller High Life, I was making some sort of stew or something like that and you had to put a fucking beer in there. Some sort of recipe. I can't remember what. And it just didn't happen. So I was like, all right, well, I got these out here for when I have the fellas over,

which I never do anymore because I'm fucking busy to watch a game. They can drink them. So I got those. And then I got the cranberry juice because I flew from Tel Aviv to Newark. I had a four hour delay on the plane and then flew to fucking LA after that. It took me a little over a day, I think. And I think I had half a glass of water and I got off the plane. And the first time I went to take a piss, I thought I had the clap.

Unfortunately, I'm not out of your bangin' look. So I knew it was something else. So I just had to crush the water and I just fucking drank that cranberry juice. So there you go. That's way more information than you needed to fucking know. All right. Let's read a little bit of the advertising here, everybody. I think Mercedes-Benz ought to do me a solid with that fucking, you know, the way they're

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Yeah, I think I do. I have more anger than anxiety. I'm not as much afraid of things as I am angry about them. That's just how your anxiety manifests itself. All right. I'll buy this shit. Chronic pain. All right.

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Thank you for listening. Have a great weekend. You cunts. Enjoy the fucking music here. And then you get an extra bonus here, a half hour. Greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. See ya. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 24th, 2011. I'm actually doing it on October 25th. That's two Tuesdays in a row. And I saw all you guys bitching about it on the Twitter. What's it called? Is it called the Tuesday morning podcast? LMFAOMG.

Epic fail. Oh, go fuck yourself. I know. I understand. I'm a little late this week. I'm a little bit country. I'm a little bit rock and roll. Remember that bit on the Donnie and Marie show?

Those two creepy Mormons just so fucking squeaky clean. It made your skin crawl. They came. There's like, I believe everything is round. You know what I mean? Round like one of those fucking whaling divas booties. You know, like you can be so good you actually come around again. You become evil.

You know, like some of these old gauges freaks where they get so against abortion that they go out and they commit murder. But let's stay away from that. All right. I think I've said enough things about the bearded baby. Haven't I? So you're probably wondering going, hey, Bill, this is two weeks in a row. Two weeks in a row.

What's the deal? I was actually flying back from Stockholm, Sweden yesterday. And I went from Stockholm had to fly to Zurich, which is in Switzerland and board the plane there. And then it was a 12 hour fucking flight all the way back to LA. And you think they just go a straight shot right across the ocean. That's not how they do it, you know? Because the earth is shaped like a 50 year old bowler.

You know, you know, when you get fat as a guy, like we just put it all on in our middle. That's like the equator, your belt buckle. So, you know, that's the longest way around. So what they do is they didn't even make sense. I don't do it. I'm fucking punch drunk. It's like 6 34 in the morning out here. It's which is like, I don't know what four in the afternoon, the way my head is that right now.

The way my head is that where my head is that right now. And but it's pitch black out out here in LA. We got it, Bill. You jet lagged. Stop making fucking excuses. If you're not funny, why don't why don't you go take a fucking nap? Don't waste our times. Our times don't waste our time.

So anyways, how they fly your back is they actually go fly up towards the Arctic Circle. It's quicker way around the globe, mate. We went right over the fucking, was it Iceland? Then over Greenland and then we came down over the Yukon territories in the Manitoba, Saskatchewan, fucking Alberta. And then back into the States. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I had a great time over there. I want to thank everybody who came out.

I would like to say Kitos to everybody who came out in Finland. I'd like to say Tak to everybody who came out to Stockholm, Sweden. And I'd like to say thank you to everyone who came out in London. And thanks to people in Copenhagen and Oslo because I didn't learn how to say thanks in Danish or Osloanian, Norwegian, you know. I'll tell you, it's funny. I was actually being over there after a while. You started to pick up a little bit of the language, but in typical American fashion.

I mean, I wasn't over there long enough. I just started speaking my own language. And I would always, I would say hello, but in an accent, I would just go, hello. For some reason I would start talking like that. And like, if you say hello over there, they know that you're an American or whatever, that you're speaking English, because they either say, hey, really quick, or hi, hi. Say hi, hi. And fucking Stockholm, Sweden.

It's hilarious. You stand there and some grown man goes, hi, hi. And then a police car goes by. Wee-haw, wee-haw, wee-haw. Um, but it was an amazing experience. And I sincerely want to thank everybody. I have fucking amazing shows over there. If I do say so myself.

Oh, Billy Boy fucking killed it over there. Thanks to Charlie Murphy. He told me before I went over there. He said, go hard, son. They can take it. So I said, fuck it. I'm going to do my shit like I'm standing in the middle of Tennessee. And that's what I did.

And it worked out perfectly. And the most interesting thing, the most interesting thing about the tour was when I would bring up Hitler. I got to tell you, if you want to learn some history, bring up Hitler in Europe. Because immediately people, it gets fucking weird in the room. Because basically wherever you go in Europe, for the most part, he either completely bombed the shit out of their city. Or the city you're in was on the same team with them. And there's a little bit of guilt. Because I've been doing this thing where I am on a mission to get Joseph Stalin to get a little more credit in the complete maniac psycho category.

You know what I mean? Like anytime they make a list of the top fucking psychos ever. Hitler is always at the top. You know what I mean? It's like one of those Rolling Stones. Best guitarist ever. They're always going to stick Hendricks or Robert Johnson at the top. You know?

Which I guess is right. I don't know, it's like what the fuck? The guy killed, he killed 20 million fucking people. Stalin did. Hitler only killed 6 million. You know, wouldn't you think if you killed three times as many as the guy that everybody's saying is the most insane motherfucker ever. That your name would get thrown around a little bit more? I don't understand it.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? What's the deal? You know what? Fucking Germany, I guess killing people in Germany is like completing a couple of passes for the New York Jets in New York City. Right? Adolf Hitler is the Mark Sanchez of fucking, he's the Mark Sanchez of fucking mass murderers. You know?

And fucking, I don't, like, I guess killing 20 people in Russia is like throwing for 400 yards in Seattle. Like nobody gives a shit. You just got, you know, but you have like a throw for 200 yards in New York. You know what I mean? And then they end the game. If I can make it there, I can make it. Right? With all those fucking self-blowing songs that New York City has.

Concrete chagol that dreams are made of. Right? So anyways, I learned all this shit about Hitler. So I went to fucking, oh, and I made an ass of myself because of course, I don't know anything, I don't know anything about fucking Norway. Sweden, Copenhagen, Denmark, fucking Finland. I don't know anything about him. All I know is Sweden and Finland have a lot of NHL hockey players. That's all I fucking knew.

And as far as my World War II knowledge, I knew that Hitler and Mussolini were part of the Axis powers and that Hitler fucking bombed the shit out of England. And then I also know that he went head to head with the Russians and they retreated right before winter and the Nazis chased them in. And then they got surrounded just like in a Bronx tale. Then they closed the door right as it started to snow. And then they said, until now you can't leave. Yeah. Everybody's going to sound like a Nazi, by the way, because I don't know how to do any in a Russian accent or anything, you know. Wait, didn't I know one?

Daidu. They used to play siphon filter. This video game. And there was this part that I couldn't get by. I couldn't get by this mission. And every time I hit reset, like you had to sneak down the hall and there was this Russian scientist who was calling back to his female assistant. She would say something, you know, Strowie is some bullshit. And then he'd be like, daidu.

Anyways, I'm a moron. So this is what I learned in Finland. This is their deal. They sided with Germany. Okay. So they get shit. And it's embarrassing because it's embarrassing because they went with the guy who killed 6 million people to fight the guy who fucking killed 20 million people. I don't know.

It's fucking. They were basically, if you look at them on a map, they basically had the unlucky position of being between two of the biggest mass murderers in the history of the world simultaneously. Okay. So, you know, they didn't have an army big enough to fuck with either one of them one on one. They needed to make an alliance. So now you're getting into self-preservation. This is how it was told to me in Finland. Now, I know there's a lot of Jewish people right now listening and going, oh fucking Abraham, whatever the fuck you pray to.

Who is your Jesus? Wait a minute. Jesus was Jewish, right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, he, uh, so this guy told me over there basically that they had to make a choice and they chose Germany. You know, which, and he tried to say like, we weren't down with that Nazi shit. We were just trying to make sure that the Russians wouldn't take us over. And basically, Germans helped out the Finnish people and they put up this fucking Lake Placid epic fucking battle against the Russians and they defeated them, which is an unbelievable embarrassment to this day to the people of Russia.

This is the way it was told to me in Helsinki. All right. And I am a typical fucking moron because I didn't read up on any of this. One guy told me this shit and now I'm going to present it as fact. So, um, I don't know, anybody read about World War II? What do you think about that? Because when I look at it on paper, it's like, I get it. Okay, you got two, you're in between two psychos.

You got to make a choice. Who are you going to pick? All right. The Germans make an unbelievable fucking car. You know? They're fucking, you know, they're an incredible tank. They had, they were like the fucking Steve Jobs. They were like, they had all the shit.

And they were in Russia. What do you got? You got a bunch of fucking people drinking vodka. Who do we want to go up against? We want to go up with these guys who have tanks that drive like porches. Or do we want to fight these fucking drunks who got fucking dish rags tied around their army boots? What are we going to do here? So, I think it was like a, uh, it was a fucking self-preservation thing for some,

because I think somebody, like you sided with Germany and just a second you do that, they automatically go, oh, you're fucking, you know, you're anti-Semitic and blah, blah, blah. I'm not saying they weren't, not saying they weren't. I'm just wondering, is there another side to it where it's just like, listen, we were trying to avoid being nuked. So, it was a shit decision we had to make. I mean, is there a right decision in that? Why don't I fucking read up on it instead of being so goddamn lazy

and then having you assholes read up on it and then fucking tell me about it. All right, so that was their deal. All right, and then if you go over to Sweden, Sweden remain neutral. I really, oh, by the way, I brought up, I brought up Hitler, which bombed in, uh, Finland, and I guess someone's backstage going, does this guy realize that we were in an alliance with Hitler in World War II and it's kind of embarrassing at this point?

And I'm standing up there, typical ignorant American. The fuck, you know? What are you guys, into Hitler or something? I'm making fun of the guy. Why am I always doing this bit like, like, Hitler's always fascinated me in that I don't see the charisma. I just see an angry, sweaty, ugly man who has completely lost his composure during the middle of a speech.

Why didn't anybody go, like, this guy's a fucking spaz. This is the guy we're handing the keys over to bring us to glory. Are you fucking kidding me? This little runt? By the way, people are tall as fuck in Scandinavia and in all those, uh, Norwegian countries, by the way. The amount of, like, five-foot-two-inch children that I saw, you know, who was so young, like their voice hadn't even changed, they're like fucking almost eyeball-to-eyeball with me going,

I wanna get some Legos in Stein! What the fuck you say? It's fucking freaking me out. Like, I'm just about five-ten, I'm like average height, so I've never had an issue with my height. Over there, I felt short, you know? It's kind of like Nebraska, where everybody out there is, like, 300 pounds and looks six-foot-four and looks like they play for offensive line or some shit.

Um, yeah, like, oh, it seemed like over there, like, six-foot-one was like the five-foot-eight or five-foot-nine over here. But anyways, so that's how I embarrassed myself in Finland. I was, I was going, who the fuck would follow this guy? And evidently Finland did. All right, that was a moron move.

And when I was in Copenhagen, I can't remember if I told you this story, I brought it up, I called them Danish. I said that the people of Denmark were Danish, and then I lost confidence in it because nobody said anything. And I go, I'm sorry, Danish people from Amsterdam. I didn't even say the Netherlands.

I said Amsterdam. And then I go, what are you guys, Denmarkians? And I knew that was wrong. And then I found out after this show that they actually are Danish. Oh, and it continues. When I went to Sweden,

and I never told, I didn't tell anybody this. I walked out on stage and said, hey, it's nice to be back here in Switzerland. And everybody laughed thinking I was joking and I wasn't. I always get them confused. They both begin with S. They're both in fucking Europe.

They both have those blonde-haired blue-eyed. You want to open the bank account? Yeah? Not for the Portuguese IRS? Okay. That will cost you two gold and francens. So evidently, in Sweden, what they did in World War II was,

them in Switzerland, they remained neutral. And before World War II, I guess Sweden wasn't shit. They were just eating potatoes. That was an Irish accent. Jesus, I'm all over the map here. They were eating potatoes and fucking meatballs and mashed potatoes and all that shit.

They had nothing going on. So their big thing was they became powerful after World War II, evidently. And this is all told to me by Swedes, other comedians, and we were all drinking at the time. By the way, I lost my sobriety in Europe, as I always do, but I'm back on the wagon. I've decided that I drink in Europe.

How fucking obnoxious is that? Buddy, you didn't lose your sobriety. You took it and you flushed it down the fucking toilet. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I was in... What else was I? I was in Norway.

We were having this fucking amazing, like, meal. And everything they were bringing over was just tasted great, and then they had this wine, and I said, you know what? I wanted to go a year. It was a year and two days, and I decided to end the streak. Much like Cal Ripken Jr. And he was like, alright, you know,

I went out like Cal Ripken Jr. I didn't go out like Brett Favre, you know, laying there like I just got hit by a train. I didn't go out like that. I had two glasses of wine. You want to hear it? You want me to confess everything? I had two glasses of wine on Monday.

Then I didn't drink for two days, and then I had one beer in Finland. Tried one of their beers. Delish. Then I went to Sweden the next night, and I had one of their beers, some summer ale. No, pale ale. That's what it was.

Then I had some single malt scotch, and it was delicious, and I enjoyed it, and I'm done. And yeah, that's it. It's good. It's actually good, because when I go to Europe now, I think about drinking. But when I come to the States, it's all been washed away.

Like, oh, I'm in the States. I don't drink here. You see that, guys? I don't have a problem. Oh, jeez. So anyways, Sweden. Let's get back to these motherfuckers. And I know, and I want all you guys,

all you Finnish fuckers, all you Swedish sons of bitches, all you Ocelotians and Copenhagenites to please send more World War II information, because I don't want to read about it. You know, what is going on with my fucking recorder? Come on now. All right, so Sweden, this is their deal.

They ain't shit. They actually used to own Norway, and then Norway got their independence in 1905, right? This is one of, like, the most moronic fucking history lessons you're ever going to get. So anyway, so Sweden wasn't shit. And then in World War II, they basically remained neutral

and allowed the Nazis to fucking board their trains on their way to Norway to fucking take over Norway, I guess. And they would just be like, do you see nothing? Just like Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes. And evidently, they sold weapons to both sides.

Huh? See that? It's all the same shit. Doesn't that sound familiar? If you honestly look at a certain country's foreign policy... Um... Wait a minute. You went out there and you armed the world and made one...

That's fucking interesting. All right, let's continue here. Um... So, where the fuck am I in this absolute shitstorm of me trying to remember what these fuck these guys told me? Okay, so they totally sell out Norway. So the Nazis go in there. They start kicking the shit out of people

because they have fucking... They got these Porsche-Targer engines in their goddamn tanks. You know? Everybody else's tank's like... Right? And that shit's just like... They give you like 60 miles of fucking hour. Oh, it runs so smoothly. Yeah! Right?

And they just fucking bombing the shit out of NC Betts Creek. Right? Bombing the shit out of people. Then what did they do? The fucking Nazis evidently go, okay, we need to insert a new leader and they put in this vid-guide. And they put in this vid-guide.

And they put in this vid-guide. And they put in this vid-guide. And they put in this vid-con quisling. Who, I guess was a total Nazi sympathizer and that type of shit. They put him in. He shared their fucked up views of Jewish people. And he actually turned over Jewish people

to the fucking Nazis. That's what he did. And he's so infamous now. And he's known as a traitor in Norway. And evidently, his last name is quisling. That basically, if you're a piece of shit and you sell out your friend, it's called a quisling.

Dude, you want to talk about just fucking soiling your family fucking name. You were such a cunt that you make your surname basically a- Oh god, I'm gonna be dumb again. What's the fucking word you make? Not a euphemism.

An expression for being a sell out trader piece of shit. And there you go. And that's basically, that's World War II in Scandinavia in one Norwegian country of Finland. That's basically what happened. Oh, you know what's funny about Finland? Finland kicked the Russians ass, but because they were on the side of the Germans

at the end of the war, they still had to play like fucking reparations and they lost the city. And they had to give a- turn a city over to Russia, even though they kicked their ass. Now, let's get into shit that I learned about as far as their-

Does that mean my battery's gonna die? I think my battery's gonna die here because it's starting to fucking crap out over here. This is one thing I've learned as you travel fucking countries. Whatever countries border other countries, they don't like each other. The same way you don't like your roommate.

You like him at first and after a while, the way he clears his throat or fucking, you know, his whiny voice or the fact that his girlfriend is coming over too many times after a while, you just fucking hate him, right? So, uh... I guess the Swedes look down on the Finnish people.

Like the Finnish people, they're like the blue-collar people. They look at them like fucking whatever. And then Finnish people just think people from Sweden are gay. Because evidently, the way that they speak, you know, I guess they have a sing-songy way of speaking. It was too overwhelming for me.

Like all that shit all sounded the same to me. But, uh... I don't know, man. It was fucking amazing. I learned all this shit. Do you know that Norway... Volvo comes out of Sweden, right? And Norway at one point was, I guess,

so behind the fucking eight-ball financially that they actually said... Because they'd gained their independence from Sweden. And they actually said at one point that they could have... They would give Sweden a portion of their fucking country if they could own 50% of the Volvo Car Enterprise. And Sweden said,

Go fuck yourselves. And then, like, I think two weeks later, they discovered an unbelievable amount of oil. In fucking Norway. And now they're all rich as fuck. It was like the... It's like the beginning. If you don't understand this,

just watch the opening song to the Beverly Hillbillies. It's the exact same thing. It was shooting at some food and up and down on a bubbly and crude oil, it is, right? So now they became super fucking rich. And Oslo was, like, ridiculously expensive. It was like $9,000 American to get a quarter pound of a cheese.

And I'm barely exaggerating. It was, like, fucking ridiculous. So evidently, now in Norway, all those jobs, like working at a 7-Eleven, you know, helping people cross a crosswalk, handing out flu shots, all those jobs nobody wants to fucking do, all those jobs are done by Swedes.

This guy in Sweden goes, Yeah, we've become, like, their Mexicans. Like, we drive across the border, do jobs they don't want to do, and then drive back or live in little shitty apartments out there. What is Finland export, you ask? No key of phones and angry birds.

That's them. Copenhagen, I don't know what they do. And that's it. That was my fucking tour of, uh... of, I don't know, I don't know what, all, um... Scandinavia, plus Finland. I learned Finland's not part of Scandinavia. Did I tell you this last week?

I don't give a shit. Has any of this been funny? I know it's been interesting, especially if you haven't read any bit of history, because this is all sounding factual and fascinating. I don't know how much of it is right, but if you don't like it, blame, uh... Ah, you can blame me.

I don't give a shit. I was gonna say blame the fucking Swedes who told it to me that night. Um... Hey, it's nice to be back in Switzerland. Everybody... Oh-ho-ho-ho! And I was like...

Uh, shit, Sweden. That's right. Switzerland. The fuck you want from me? Um, we'd like you to be accurate, Bill. We'd like you to, if you're gonna fly for 14 fucking hours, to actually realize where you are in the world. So anyways, once again,

I know I was just joking around on all that bullshit. I want to thank everybody who came out. It was a fucking unbelievable tour, slash education. I think you guys made me a little bit smarter, yet a lot dumber, because I have all these new subjects that I can talk about that I don't really know anything about.

And, um... Finland to me was the most interesting, because I was basically 300 miles from the Russian border, and... You know, flew over the Baltic Sea, and it was like, I could really... There was definitely just a different vibe out there. Like, they got this whole vibe out there

that they don't have any rich people in their country, which is fucking hilarious, because they have banks. You know? And I guess in Finland, the big thing is, uh... You know, if you get money, you don't show it off that you have it, so it's like, how the fuck would you... There's no fucking way,

because one thing I learned doing this tour is people are fucking people, and like, relationship shit that I was talking about, oh my god, she tells a story, and it goes on and on forever, and I'm so fucking bored. Fucking destroyed. 300 miles from the fucking Russian border.

And I'm like, this is the exact same shit. Just speaking a different language, so... I completely forgot my point here with the fuck I was trying to say. Oh, I know, yeah, so they're trying to... Yeah, so you're sitting there telling me there's no rich people there. There's no way.

That would mean that you have no greedy people and no sociopaths. Somehow you manage to have millions of people in your country. You know? Yet you only have non-greedy people. It's just complete bullshit. I gotta show you guys this picture

of this on the French Riviera... Riviera... Riviera... that the Rothschild family built this fucking house out there. Okay? And I want somebody in the banking system to tell me how you legally,

and I know it's legal, but you know, there's no honest fucking way. You see this fucking house, this villa. All right? This thing is like the size of like nine Boston public libraries. It's absolutely fucking gigantic, and this is like a cottage.

They are the biggest fucking crooks on the planet. They are the biggest fucking crooks on the planet. I truly believe there is plenty of money. Even if it's telling me that I'm a socialist now because I went over there. Fuck you, I felt this before I went over there. There is enough money, people.

There's enough money for all of us to have health insurance. There's enough money for all of that shit. Okay? If these cunts at the top weren't taken, all of it. I truly believe that, but I am not dumb enough to believe

that if you just give everybody the same amount, man, everything's gonna be cool. It isn't. There's gotta be a way where you can adjust capitalism. Well, you can't have like, you know, four robber barons taking everything and then all of the rest of us dealing with the trickle down effect.

But on the same level, you can't just give everybody, like it doesn't make a difference whether you try or not. You know? You still gotta have... It's like the Camaro. You know?

You can't just have everybody gets a Z28. There's gotta be the rally sport, there's gotta be the Berlinetta, and there's gotta be the Z28. There's gotta be a little... There's a little stars on your forehead as to how well you're doing. You know?

Does that make any fucking sense? All I gotta tell my fellow Americans is if you ever get a chance, you have to fucking go over to Europe and do it when you're young, and if you're old, who gives a fuck? Get a babysitter. Tell your kids you love them.

You know, you'll be back in a week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. Just like how I end my podcast. And definitely go over there. We landed in Switzerland and went on Swiss air on the way back, and I just watched a bunch of videos about Switzerland,

and it would be an absolute crime if you never fucking go there in your life. The French Riviera, any of this shit, and I know I'm sounding like some elitist cunt, but I'm not. I'm not. I am ignorant of all of this shit. I went over there.

It's fucking incredible. And you know what's funny, is when you travel over there, and that type of shit, when they start giving you shit about being an ignorant American, you know, most of the times you're more traveled than they are.

They do the exact same shit. They don't travel as much as they try and act like they do. You know, and when they do, they don't really go that far. You just go like, just look at a fucking map. You could fit, like,

the majority of Europe in Texas. You know, so that's why they get to rack up all these fuck... Oh, I've been to fucking Germany. I've been to France. I've been to Italy. Yeah, really? I've been to Rhode Island,

New Hampshire. My voice cracked in all of them. Whatever. All right, I'm done talking about Europe. I hope you got... I hope that didn't bore too many of you, but it was fucking amazing, and I told all you sons of bitches over there

that I was gonna... I'm gonna be doing this every year. So every year, you guys, you're on the list now. I'm doing the... I'm gonna do a whole run over there. I think I might add Iceland the next time, and I'm actually thinking

of going over there twice a year. I'll do the UK one time, go all the way through it. I'll go through England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, and then I'll do Scandinavia, the fucking Norwegian countries, do all of them,

and just hop right across there. And I found a new fucking place that I want to go to. The Faroe Islands. F-A-R-O-E. I want to go check that shit out. I got to bring Nia, too, because she gets freaked out by nature. Faroe Islands basically seem like the Galapagos Islands

of the fucking north. All right, I'm done being a fucking liberal, elitist cunt here. All right, let's get on with the podcast here. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, by the way, if you're just tuning in. We are not on iTunes. Okay?

Because you know what happened was basically I got banned from iTunes, and then Steve Jobs died. So I'm kind of like Pete Rose. I'm in that situation, where Pete Rose got banned by the commissioner, and then he died right after that, and now nobody wants to reverse that guy.

You know? But how do you go against Steve Jobs? The guy was a genius at telling people to invent stuff, as far as I can tell. Wouldn't it be cool if a computer could do this? I want to know where is the guy who actually sat down and made

his ideas come true. What about those guys? You know? He's like the lead singer, but then the guy who actually did all that shit, he's like the guy playing keyboards or the drummer, or maybe the hired gun. I maybe like the hired gun.

Like that guy, yeah, Dizzy, who was in Guns N' Roses towards the end. Remember that? He got a guy Dizzy. Ugh. Was there ever a worse disintegration of a band than Guns N' Roses?

They came out, they had their five fucking guys, and then the whole thing just all went to shit. It was like mash, when they had like three guys left after the fucking first season, and it was never the same.

BJ Honeycutt, give me a fucking break. Alright. Let's continue on here. Bill, just an update regarding your advice you gave me about telling my friend about his cheating fiancé. I vaguely remember this. This guy called up and basically said

a buddy of his was engaged to this girl who was cheating on him. And what should I do? Should I tell him? And I finally just said, yeah, tell him. So you have a fucking clear conscience. So here's the update. I said the other day I was in Florida.

And doing sales calls for my job when you read my advice letter. Obviously I almost crashed, but managed to call my friends that knew the story, who also agreed to write you an email about it. Long story short, we talked after we each listened to the podcast.

I love that you guys had a meeting of the minds after listening to my dumbass. And the friend that presented the bad news to us broke the news to our friend. Oh, so we fucking told him. And I guess the buddy, he confronted his fiancé and as expected

things were only bad for a few days. He doesn't really go into detail here. Come on, details. What happened? You can't leave us hanging. So you confront your friend and what does he do? He obviously must have been like, dude, what the fuck

are you talking about? And then he goes to the fiancé, said things were only bad for a few days. Bottom line, we all got exactly what you said we needed. A clear conscience. Sincerus thanks, Billiam. All right.

Well, I hope he had the brains not to marry her. Please tell me he did that. Just let me know. Just, yeah, come on, dude, you can't leave us all hanging here. This is like a soap opera now. Are you guys uninvited to this wedding happen? Or are you out there

drinking with them now, trying to teach them how not to pick another fucking poison toad whore? Let us know. Let's have a follow up. I don't know about you guys, but you know, this is like I just saw a great pilot episode of a new show. I want to see the rest of it.

All right, here we go. Next story is fake fatty. Dear Mr. Burr, on the whole fat person topic, I wanted to chime in with the quick story of my own. Last week I was on the subway fucking around with my phone when some woman gets on the train and stands in front of me. From the corner of my eye I

can see that she was pregnant. I remember her rolling up her shirt like we were on a beach and she was trying to show off her physique. That's kind of weird. And she began to squeeze the bump like some strippers squeezing her breasts together. I started to gather my shit when I noticed

something about her bump. It wasn't a pregnant chick. She was a fat fuck pretending to be pregnant. She was excited when she saw me getting up and once I saw that hairy greasy bouncing tub of shit a lump of shit on her lower stomach

I remember feeling nauseated by it all. I then sat back down. Jesus Christ. The beautiful chick sitting next to me saw the whole thing and called me a jerk. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start a confrontation with her so I just sat there.

So the beautiful girl began to gather her stuff. I guess to make a point and get up but then something caught her eye and she sat back down. I guess she realized that the woman still squeezing her fat together wasn't pregnant. The woman sitting next to me didn't apologize

and neither did she have to. She probably would have vomited the words anyways. The woman pretending to be uh pretending to be pregnant sucked her teeth walked away and mumbled some racist shit under her breath. Anyways, why are fat horrors

now pretending to be pregnant? I don't know about that dude. I think you saw one crazy girl and also you know something reading that story halfway through it she might have been a fat fuck who got pregnant. Maybe that's why she was lifting up her belly to be like

look not only is there a bunch of fat hair there's also a baby in here. She had a baby man. Maybe she was pregnant. I have no idea but that is really a fucking weird thing that she would pull it up and start mushing it together.

Especially if she's early on in the pregnancy. I mean what's that doing to the kid? Oh jeez that's disgusting. Alright and here's the latest. Have I lost all momentum in this fucking podcast? You know the old me would have described some fucking first trimester fetus getting squished.

But not jet lag bill. Not jet bag lag fucking bill who can't even talk here who's sitting here giving a goddamn history lesson of a part of the world. He knows nothing about absolutely nothing. Alright here's the new

hot topic here on the Monday Morning podcast dilemmas. Alright number one. Bill would you rather have a three inch penis and make ten million dollars a year or have a ten inch penis and only make thirty thousand dollars a year. Your penis size and salary can never

change. I take the three inch dick and the ten million all fucking day long. You know? You know what's fucking overrated? Just having a fucking giant dick

and fucking a bunch of women. Cause eventually you're gonna get old. I know you guys are thinking like this guy out of his fucking mind. Maybe it's just cause I'm old now and I don't give a fuck. You know what you want? You want a nice house. You want to find a job that you love and you want to fucking make

a bunch of money out of it. And then you want to get the sickest grill ever and then invite your friends over and have a fucking BBQ! Right? What do you do with your big dick and your teacher's salary? Huh? What are you gonna do? Fuck a chair leader and get in trouble?

That's all the big dick's gonna do. You know what? Maybe that's why you only make thirty grand a year cause you're too busy fucking everything. I would definitely, I would take the three incher. Jesus. That would be brutal though. That would be brutal though. When you're first coming

of age. You know? I guess maybe not then. Because hopefully you mess around with a girl who hasn't seen a bunch so she doesn't realize. You know? I thought it was supposed to hurt the first time. That was actually rather pleasant.

Um Yeah, either one of those scenarios would suck but uh you know. Dude. How long, in all honesty, how long does fucking last? Be honest. Let's say you're really going at it.

Come on. To really fuck for a half hour or more. Come on. Consistently. Consistently. And I'm not talking about when you're fucking 18 and every time the wind blows

you're fucking aroused. I'm just saying. You know? You go in. You do. You know what you're doing. It's like you're walking in Home Depot. You're not wandering around. You know where shit is. You go in. You get it. You go up to the register. A fucking end. Deal is done. Um. Yeah. I would take

the three inch penis. All fucking day long. If I have a ten inch dick and sleep on a futon. What the fuck kind of life is that? Be an old man with my long fucking elephant trunk dick and my white pubes on top of it. Poking out the hole in my fucking

tidy whiteies looking like the goddamn elephant man down there. I don't want to fucking do that shit. Fuck that. This is going to surprise you guys. Ask me more. You're going to really be surprised. Would you rather put on a jet's jersey? This is number two. And walk up to Tom Brady and tell him to his face

that he's the most overrated QB quarterback in the NFL or wear the same jet's jersey and walk up to Mark Sanchez and tell him with the straight face and in sincere voice that you think he's the greatest quarterback that ever lived. I would do either one of those.

I would wear a jet's jersey and tell Mark Sanchez he's the greatest quarterback that ever lived because he wouldn't believe it. He knows goddamn well he isn't. I wouldn't give a shit. I would actually, I would walk up with the jet's jersey and say that Tom Brady's the most overrated QB ever

because that's probably happened to him nine million times. I think every time he walks into a stadium there's somebody with the other team's jersey on telling him that he's overrated and that he's a fag because of his hair cut and yada yada. He doesn't give a shit. I would actually do that. I would do that

and I would say something even meaner. And I would do it right before the jet's played the Patriots and then I would fucking bet a thousand bucks on the Patriots because Brady would come in and slice your fucking throats. One easy one, sir. Um, you gotta go a little harder.

Alright, number three. Hey Bill, I got a dilemma for you. Yeah, that's the topic by the way. Dilemmas. Bill. Classic pain versus disgusting one. Uh, right here. Would you, one, take a 70% power Mike Tyson

straight left to the bridge of your nose nose with MMA MMA gloves on or lick the dump that one of his disease bag pigeons leave on your windshield and it's fresh.

Oh, no question. I'd lick the fucking bird shit ha ha ha ha without a fucking doubt. I would lick the whole fucking thing. I'd lick the fucking windshield clean. Rather than taking 70, there's no fucking way.

That dude I'm old now. I don't have pride. I have brains and I want to keep him in my head. That's the the young man says, I take this 70% power punch both Mike Tyson and then what are you gonna do after that with your brain damage?

What are you gonna do? At least I didn't lick bird shit off a windshield. Fuck that. I would do the bird shit and I would invite all my friends and I would film it like Jackass and watch them laugh their ass off

and if I puked I'd let Mike Tyson kick me in the ass. Either way, I would be way ahead in the wind column by not taking that. Dude, I got a little nose it would not exist if he did it. It would it would be like a little paper hat

and he would just flatten it and I would look I would look part African-American by the time he was done with me. That's how much he would flatten out my fucking little pointy German nose no fucking way no fucking way I might ever

cause the thing about Mike is not only does he know how to fucking punch he has that he goes in and out of crazy he'll say some of the most insightful shit you ever heard in your life and you're like this guy is a borderline fucking genius

and then he will just slip into this shit where you're just like okay um you just start looking for extra exits in the room like I'm saying this like I hung out with him that's how intimidating he is I've just watched shit there

so there you go you know what I should start doing I should start uh we should start having like a football pool you know we should start posting these these dilemmas on the mmpodcast.com and then you guys try to guess

which one I'm gonna take so there you go you got to see me play a couple of games here you know what sort of scheme I'm running let's see if you can let's see if you guys can get my fucking head alright advice on enjoying football I'm guessing this is soccer or maybe this is American football

I don't know I haven't read these fucking things Bill I have an advice question that could affect the podcast um okay could you somehow explain the appeal of football to someone who finds the stereotypical football fan extremely offensive

to clarify I enjoy seeing feats of athleticism and well-laid strategies unfold as much as the next man and I'm told that football has both of those things I think all sports do however I find that I cannot even begin to enjoy watching football

for the simple fact that I find the stigma of being a football fan to be offensive oh god you know what dude you're offended oh this guy's he's a pompous ass alright here we go

you know the mental image shirtless hairy and somehow balding what do you mean somehow balding a lot of people are balding you mean yet balding hairy body yet balding beer bellied face painted screaming morons I was hoping that perhaps

you sir with your apparent knowledge of the ins and outs of the said game as well as the hoity-toity winglandly overeducated person accent that you sometimes you're in security there I sound like a fucking moron could explain the appeal of football in an objective way

to the rest of us assuming the answer is not if you don't like football go fuck yourself um well look sir you're doing what everybody does okay you're defining football fans by the worst of football fans and it's not your fault

it's like that shit I said about the Raiders you go to a Raider game not everybody is dressed like they're gonna go see uh whatever that what is that midnight madness movie that everybody likes to go see it too in the morning that I've never seen that I always use as a

reference I don't know like not everybody at a Raiders game is dressed like they're in a fucking musical the rocky horror picture show they're not dressed like that okay most of them just have like a raider t-shirt on maybe a fucking jacket and they just go into a football game and anytime

they pan to people in the crowd they gotta put that douche you know who's dressed like Chewbacca you know or those guys going uh this is our house and this week we're gonna fucking do it it's like you're fucking loser

you're fucking losers yeah I don't know that that's not what a football fan is and also sir you don't have to go to games at this point you can get yourself a nice high definition tv that's cheaper than buying season tickets you can get surround sound you can get a grill going

and you can sit there in the comfort of your own fucking home and enjoy the goddamn game alright but um I don't know I hate the word offensive and that's that's my fault that's that's on me because just being a comedian the amount of people the

kinds of people who use that fucking word I find that like offensive it's like now you don't you don't find it fucking offensive you just find shit that bugs you offensive you're not the kind of person who's easily offended you're fucking selfish so this is I don't know if it makes sense guys I just get off a fucking plane I have no idea

look dude if you want to watch football I would watch it at home watch it at home pick a fucking team and uh I would watch college football I'd start with that and then work your way up to pro or just stay at the college level it is a fucking great game read up on the game

don't be some douche who paints his fucking face and his chest and then just watches the ball and roots for a color um it's all how you do it you know there's a lot of people out there who hate stand-up comedy you know because they define it by the worst

of stand-up comics so um I don't know I hope that help you I know I gave you a little bit of shit and I hope I didn't offend you but uh yeah that's what I would do I would watch it at home like I don't go to sports bars anymore I don't they are a sea

of fucking morons and uh it's for the worst of sports fans they're there for the sports fan that wants to sit there and it's just waiting for the first play that their team does that actually you know goes well where they gain like eight nine yards they're just waiting for that

to happen so then they can then turn to their right or left and just go all day all day right they're morons the only good thing about going to a sports bar is seeing the girls who go there

and dress like strippers with a football motif like they tie off jerseys and wear like thigh highs and they just I don't know what they're doing I think they're just enjoying people leering at them um why they would pick

that low grade level of a human being to lure at them I have no idea maybe they have some sort of middle middle age gang bang fantasy you know they wanted everybody to be dressed like vikings but vikings don't exist anymore so they're gonna get gang banged by some Minnesota viking

fans I don't fucking know shit food you know the other the other tv screens are so fucking loud it bleeds into the game you're trying to watch it just I don't I don't like it I don't like it and then I find that most people in there if they have they know a lot about the game

it's because they play fantasy football so they're just stat regurgitating morons and they can't really talk about the game oh is bill an arrogant cunt when it comes to sports bars alright let's go let's move on advice bill let me start by saying

like your podcast thank you you're definitely I will try my best keep the show short and sweet here's a little background first off my friend is a listener of your podcast and always and as well what first off my friend

is a listener of your podcast as well so I'm I feel him hearing this on your part podcast will catch his attention as he realize how it exactly relates to him very very very well played sir so rather than you walking up to him

and having the confrontation you want me to do it for you okay you hear that podcast listeners evidently one of your friends has written in and has a fucking issue with you so let's all pay attention shall we why don't you scoot your fucking driver's

seat up a little closer to your dashboard let's pay attention ignore the fucking lights just you know drive like 35 miles an hour that's that's a great speed plenty of time to fucking swerve my friend my friend decided to have a kid with

a girl he thought he wanted to be with let me just say capital letters bad fucking idea this girl is offer fucking rocker for sure I understand that most females have maybe insecure

tendencies I think most human beings do to be fair but this bitch gives it an entirely new definition it is to the point it is to the point that she literally dictates who we can and can't be friends with on various social media websites

as well as the rest as his real life yeah this is and whose fault is that she can dictate all she fucking wants he doesn't have to listen to it but if he goes alright okay that's that's on him

the real point of my story comes now well thank you for wasting my time are you just painting a picture sir I recently engaged in a debate with this girlfriend about strip clubs oh Jesus was that a mistake

now I suppose different patrons I suppose different patrons of strip clubs have different reasons for going but this girl has this twisted fucking idea of what actually goes on there the strip club topic came up because a few of my friends and I were planning on a night a night out which included a possible

trip to the strip club once my girlfriend found out this was a potential destination she flipped the fuck out for lack of a better word this triggered a huge facebook debate where she insisted that guys go to strip clubs

to get horny and if her boyfriend wanted that why doesn't he stay home and get some action from her well why else would you go to a strip club you are horny you have an inability to get a woman

naked that night and you give up and you just say you know what fuck it why don't I just why don't I just pay one to do it and she'll rub on my jeans here yeah and I'll bust one of my bvds if you go to a real fucking skanky one

so far I'm agreeing with her why else would you go there unless you want to go there and try and fuck a stripper at which point you don't get the lap dance you hang up at the bar and act like you don't give a fuck and then from there I don't really know what happens uh first off

a stripper is much more appealing than than this one what the psycho girl even at the low end of the spectrum but that's not that's not that's neither here nor there oh he's saying that a stripper is much better looking than this guy's girlfriend

oh wow so this guy's getting dictated to by some fucking mediocre looking chick ah so sad you know it's like a chick if you're gonna get the shit kicked out of you I'd better be like an oil man and you're living in a villa in the french fucking Riviera

right I mean if you have to get the shit kicked out of you ladies there's a dilemma for you that's an easy dilemma would you rather get the shit kicked out of you by a substitute teacher hahahaha or uh

a fucking the CEO of Exxon um alright survey says let me continue with this I also had an issue with the fact that these were local girls and for some reason that pissed her off even more

well obviously because they live in the area she's then worried you're gonna strike a conversation and bang them so far I'm on the I'm on the side of this this so called crazy woman she has this idea that a boyfriend is apparently a stripper magnet and can fuck anyone he wants

okay I see what you're saying now I have no idea how far the place is this chick when she said the guys went to strip clubs to get horny that really showed how fucking moronic she is my real question is what can my friend do to get his girlfriend to turn the

crazy off I've been trying to help him for years but I just can't find the way alright let's stop here uh sir why else do you go to a titty bar you don't go there to look at chicks and fucking get aroused what do you go there for the fall fashion of thongs

do you go there to drink $25 bud lights why do you go there you go there to see naked women get lap dances and maybe strike up a conversation and get to fuck one with their kid in the crib in the other room

that's why you do it isn't it hoping that their boyfriend didn't get early release from his assault fucking uh conviction isn't that what happens I don't know maybe I don't fucking know uh but he said what can my friend do to get his girlfriend

to turn the crazy off uh you can't you can't if someone's nuts then nuts that's it you just gotta uh you gotta break up with him you gotta walk away or you have to accept their craziness uh you he said I've been trying to help him for years but I just can't find the way because there is no way

sir it's like trying to uh get a drug to stop doing drugs you can't do it they have to want to do it so he has to decide that he's had enough alright and uh what you need to do if you want to do this is just express

the fact that listen your girlfriend's nuts and she treats you like shit and it hurts me as a friend to watch this happen okay you need to get her in line and if you do this this could actually end your friendship with them because guys a lot of times choose pussy uh confirmed pussy I should say

confirmed pussy over the friendship with their their guys uh friends but um you know at some point you just gotta say listen dude I don't want to hear any more stories about this girl treating you like shit okay if you're not gonna stick up with

for yourself I understand it for whatever reason you don't want to do that but I don't want to listen to you telling me stories about what a fucking psycho she is because it hurts me as a friend to listen to you going through this shit and you're not doing anything about it to stick up for yourself and it's it's fucking frustrating for me to hear so if you want to talk about sports

you want to talk about the fucking European your union or whatever the fuck you want to talk about huh you want to talk about the shit I learned in Finland I'll talk I'll talk to you about that I don't give a fuck right what do you want to talk about talk about anything but that crazy bitch because I don't want

fucking to hear it anymore that's your only option there but other than that there's nothing you can do as I always say it's that good fellas moment he's uh he means he's content to be a jerk so let him be a jerk let him get brow beaten because he's he's choosing the the crazy pussy in the hand

versus the possible nice two in the bush does that make any sense well bush is in there I think there was some sort of sign felt feldian joke in that um alright overrated underrated uh overrated trying to do a podcast after flying

12 hours on swiss air you know I feel like a boxer that's quit in the ring I'm really trying to bring the funny guys I swear to god I don't I don't I don't what you want from me you know you know I feel like right now I feel like I'm playing like pop one or football

and you guys are my dad and you just saw that I quit and that I don't have what it takes you know and for half a second you're blaming the sperm that was in your nuts before you suddenly realize that you can just blame it on your wife all right

overrated underrated for the week uh underrated sandwiches we all eat them we all eat them yet rarely if ever here's someone say that a sandwich is their favorite food they are more versatile than any other type of food and we take them for granted

if sandwiches were women they would divorce us due to under appreciation and take half of our shit uh alright yeah you know some people actually don't like a sandwich fan it's just the greatest idea ever take two slices of bread throw a bunch of shit in the middle

of it throw it your pie hole who's ever eaten a sandwich it's still a bit hungry afterwards it's tremendous you know am I still talking am I dreaming this podcast at this point I don't know overrated sex

it ruins lives and marriages thank you sir thank you that's what I was trying to say why I would choose a 10 inch dick and 10 million dollars a year as opposed to a 10 inch dick and 30 grand a year uh it uh sex is overrated it started wars

and caused countless deaths it's on tv and used to advertise the most non-sexual products your social standing and job credentials are affected by who you like to fuck what your social standing job are affected by who you like to fuck

oh I guess it could be if you start fucking a wrong person yet after jacking off and releasing sexual tension all of it looks stupid exactly rub one out then think about it that's what my grandfather always said even if he didn't he fucking should have no that's it

that that is exactly it um I actually got this giant fucking bit my act about gold digging whores and it basically comes down to that um I was basically talking about

Schwarzenegger and how he lost everything by fucking one of the ugliest women on the planet like why the fuck you know if you're gonna go all in if you're gonna put it all on the line why do you do that with that woman

and everyone's like oh cause he's dumb cause he's stupid it's like no because a guy's sex drive is that fucking overwhelmingly powerful and I swear to god it's like uh I really think that every day you should just fucking rub one out

rub one out and then fucking once you're done clean yourself up and then get a sheet of paper out and write down some goals for the day hahahaha and your life in the world would be better off it's really it's fucking

horrible we are basically designed to keep the species going that's how strong our fucking sex drive is women don't fucking understand it I don't expect them to understand it

and because it's so bizarre to them they just look at it simplistically that we're morons and that we're animals and that we're pigs we definitely behave like all three of those things but it's a uh you know our sex drive is like your

period hahahaha it causes us to do crazy shit except it's not one week of um it's every fucking day alright there's no excuse

for the amount of fucking guys out there who've accomplished all this tremendous stuff to lose it because of their dick it makes no sense and I'm telling you these fucking ladies who go on tv and just say he's an idiot

he's a pig they don't get it they just don't get it but I understand why they don't get it you'd have to have a dick to fucking understand it that's one of the greatest fucking overrated ever

just imagine how successful you know if you could walk away from that girl you shouldn't be fucking around with just think about that how many years would you get back in your life how many nights

how much more happiness would be in your life if you just listened to your dick 30% less think about that I'm telling you I don't know but you're really fucking with nature

because nature made women so fucking beautiful and guys so fucking horny that you can't resist it there's a reason for that it keeps us fucking going and I think that's gonna be my final uninformed thought

I've already acted as though I'm a historian and now I'm putting on a white lab coat and I'm discussing the makeup of our DNA um oh shit so that is the podcast for this week how much time did I do an hour and five

an hour and five from the bottom of my fucking American heart I want to thank everybody in Scandinavia everybody in Finland everybody in England who came out to my shows it was an unbelievable education as much as I sounded like a moron

I had the best tours I've ever done just as far as getting to see things that I never would have got to see if I never took the chance to tell jokes so I'm unbelievably thankful for it and uh

the amount of fucking people when I was over there asked me why would you come here and it kind of became this running joke between me and Nia because we're big fans of that movie uh No Country for Old Man Jesus I'm so fucking tired

No Country for Old Men you know and when everyone kept saying to the psycho there you don't have to do this and he's like everybody always says that right that was the same thing someone said why would you come here Stockholm Sweden because it's fucking beautiful

I don't know because why wouldn't you if you could you know it's my game plan I want to go over there and start selling out shows come over there once a year make some fucking Franks and Cronas and whatever

and then fucking go fly to another part of Europe I never been to for like 2-3 days I want to go down to the French Riviera and I want to stand outside that Rothschild house and wait for one of them to come out I just want to see what one of them looks like and just stand there like hehehe

9 miles away at the bottom of their driveway the biggest bullhorn ever you fucking piece of shit slain motor slain motor that's what I realized that's what that villa is that we're going to have a picture of

that is they are the plantation owners they're trying to become the plantation owners of the universe that's what fucking the bankers are it's just fucking unreal you get a 30-year mortgage

and you pay it off in 5 fucking years let's say you do that what percentage of that into a 30-year loan is that let's see if I can do this math this will be your last laugh of the fucking week 10% would be a third so you cut that in half

that's about 15 16% of the loan you pay it off in basically 30% of the actual time that they gave you to pay it off

okay but for some reason if it takes you 5 years into that loan you still give them like fucking I swear to god like 30% of the interest that they would have got if it took you 30 years in how the fuck does that work

how the fuck is that legal so even if you pay it off in 5 fucking years you still if you talk about how much you paid for the house plus the maintenance plus all the interest the amount of time you're gonna have to

hold onto the house just to hopefully fucking break even before your kidneys fail and you gotta sell the house because your insurance company tells you go fuck yourself and then they get another 30-year-old in here to do it all over again they're fucking criminals

absolute fucking criminals but it's all legal it's all fucking legal man um alright that's it that's the podcast for this week uh talk key to

I don't fucking know thank you go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you sons of bitches next week alright you you you you

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