Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-25-18

Episode Date: October 26, 2018

Bill sits down with comedian Nate Craig.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on you.

You cubicle dwell in cunts. You know, something I'd feel bad for you if you're sitting in a cubicle right now, but I'm just so full of myself that I just don't have time to have empathy. I'm just going to sit here in a big hot tub of my own white privilege. And speaking of other white males, yes, why would you have another white male on your podcast? You know why? Because I'm not woke. 200% wrong today, Bill. 200% wrong. That's right. Just when you thought the percentage couldn't go any higher. I have the wonderful, the always classy, one of the few gentlemen.

My wife loves you. Like she, like that one night we all hung up. Sorry. Nate Craig. And Nate is here. Not because he loves me. Not because he actually tried to pass the puck to me in the slot and I still shot it right into the goalie's fucking glove. Remember that fucking one around that defenseman? He's here because he has a new album, comedy album that's available on iTunes and Amazon and all over the internet called Preferred Customers. One of my favorite people, one of my favorite comics. Nate Craig, welcome. Bill, thanks for having me. First of all, I want to say I love, we all love Nia as well.

And man, the gentleman introduction, I'll take it running, buddy. Thank you. We're talking about the amount of times that you've sent flowers, you've sent cards because, you know, we had a kid and all of that shit. You're a class act. You're a Midwest guy. What does it feel to be living out here in Hollywood and just referred to as a, did they treat you like a flyover comic? Yeah, some of the responses that I get from being from the Midwest are pretty hilarious. People just don't. They think you're a Trump supporter? You just say Wisconsin and people laugh in your face.

And you think that's because the Badgers lost three fucking Rose Bowls on a row? Well, that's got something to do with it. Yeah, how could it not? They got to do something, man. If you had to bet money, who's taking the next title? And it's hard with college because everybody fucking leaves. But basketball, you got a better chance in basketball or football? Wisconsin? Wisconsin, man. We're not leaving that state. You fucking cheese eating motherfucker.

Football, for sure. Football. Yeah. I don't know if I'm... I thought your basketball team was all right. They were until they lost their Hall of Fame head coach. Because... What happened? Because his side piece went public.

Oh, yeah. Why does that get you fired? You know, I don't know. I think it was really... Shouldn't your wife just fire you and take your fucking house? You can't be a basketball coach? And then where does he go from there? Like some fucking community college, like adulterous behaviors, okay? I don't know, man. I think he was ready to retire, obviously.

He wanted to get his guy the job, so he got his assistant the job. Oh, he was like a serial killer that wanted to get caught. Fucking banged her right down there at a Hooters. I want to bring it back to the America that I remembered, where your side piece didn't make you lose your job. It was handled in-house. Your wife fucking slapped you. She took you for everything that you had. And then you just slowly drank yourself to death.

But it was none of my business. Like, why should I know that that guy was banging his wife... Fucking around on his wife? I didn't need to know any of that. And definitely not if he was going to keep going to Final Four. Yeah. Just out of curiosity, do you think if you have a side piece, you no longer can explain the triangle offense to incoming freshmen?

Like, what is that? Like, so many successful people... They are college kids. You've got to be real focused. But so... Listen, so many successful fucking people. The reason why they're successful is because they have laser focus on their career, but everything else in their life is a mess. Their personal life's a mess. You sit down to talk to them. They've got a million things on their fucking mind.

So because this guy basically doesn't have a perfect life, Nate Craig can no longer get excited about the fucking Final Four. Thank you. Over a side piece. I can't say it out loud, but I'm glad you did, Bill. I mean, I don't know. I just don't like knowing that shit. I honestly, that's none of my fucking business. And I actually think it brings more pain to his wife.

No, it's none of my fucking business. And I don't expect anybody that they're going to be perfect. But if you get in the fucking team to the Final Four, and you're not banging kids in the shower like they were doing at Penn State, I mean, that I get. You didn't beat up his wife. This isn't what you wanted to talk about. I mean, I'm just saying, he fucked around. I loved him. Bo Ryan.

Bo Ryan. Hall of Fame. Bobo had a little ho ho on the side, huh? Best thing that ever happened to Wisconsin basketball. And you know what? If you had to build a defense for Bo, I know I would do it. I'd make sure I had a male judge. You don't get to choose the judge, Bill.

This is Wisconsin. This is a flyover state. You guys can't even read out there. You guys can't even fucking read out there. You make fucking cheese. I'm sure you're in Wisconsin. Where are you going to go to pick your judge, Bill? I'm going to pick my judge.

Just let me live this face. Where do you meet your judges, Bill? In Hazard County. So I pick a fucking, that's a Dukes or Hazard reference for all you younger people. So I pick a male judge, right? And I would just be like, look, you're on it. Can I approach the bench? There's too many brats in here.

I don't want them to hear this, right? This is my fantasy court. So you come walking up and say, listen, you're a successful guy, right? Now, hasn't your wife always made sure that you fucking, you know, she always knocks you down a little bit just so you feel like you don't get too big for your britches? No matter what you achieve, she's always kind of just knocking you down a little bit just to make sure, you know... Judge, nobody knows better than you the aphrodisiac that success is.

I wasn't going that route. I was going the route that she's just fucking, you know, she's still running the shit. Like, the more successful you get, the more they're going to knock you down so they're still running shit around the house. So then what happens is you don't feel... He doesn't see bows over there, okay? This guy's going to the final four, like three fucking years in a row, okay? I don't need to tell you that.

You're living in this state. You got to fucking badge your pen right on your rope, okay? Probably shouldn't have wore that during the trial. Might get a missed trial. But this guy, he's... I am a big badger fan, Bill. You make me a good point. The guy, he needs a blow job every once in a while.

Sure. And it makes him relax. It makes him hear his team, okay? We're so close right now. We are so close to getting a fucking title. You're saying this is for the kids? It's for the kids. It's a fucking side piece.

This is between him and his wife. That's all I'm saying, all right? Let them settle it, okay? No, you're right. I'm not saying she shouldn't take the house and everything he's got and go fuck one of his friends. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying we are so close to a fucking championship.

And I think I speak for the state of Wisconsin when I say you let this man keep coaching at your university. They have been playing good defense lately. They have been playing lockdown defense lately. Lockdown defense. Come on. It'd be nice. In a perfect world, you could pick your judges in your side piece,

litigation. Yeah, no, there's just, yeah. It's a, as Joe Rogan says, it's strange times. It is strange times. Yeah, strange times. Strange times, what is being, I saw two people on the internet talking about how they're sick of being asked about this thing that they were both talking to each other about on Twitter.

I just wanted to tweet, did you two ever consider exchanging cell phone numbers? Like, what are you doing? Anyways, you're a big baseball fan. I'm a moderate baseball fan. Moderate baseball fan. Yeah, I remember when the Brewers won the first game and you texted me.

You said, you said, Bill, ladies and gentlemen, you're Milwaukee Brewers. They brought, they brought the fucking lumber out that day. I thought it was going to happen. I thought they were going to make it to the series. And I thought I was going to, that we were going to have a little Boston, Milwaukee. If you could see the way Nate's rubbing his fucking face right now.

I just think the doctors are soft. They're just soft. I'm not, there's no, there's only a couple guys on that team I'm scared of. I'm pissed that we couldn't beat them. All right. It's got to be, well said. The guy with the red face.

It's Justin Turner, Manny Machado. Is that Turner? All right. Manny Machado's got the best fucking name. That should, should have been. Ballinger and then the ace, the starter. And I also like. By the way, I don't, as I was saying to you,

I don't think Manny Machado was dirty. Okay. Ty Cobb did all of that shit. And he's all over the fucking hall of fame. Right. Because there wasn't slow mo, high def replay to show you when he kicked first baseman in the ankle. I thought because it was white on white crime back then,

because it was an all white league that it was okay if, if Ty Cobb, you know, spiked Ulysses, whoever the fuck was playing second base back then, right? Aberdeen, whatever the hell his fucking name was, right? I don't think Ty Cobb discriminated. Oh, that's right. Yeah. From what I've heard.

Yeah. You know what it was? It was probably a white guy at the audacity, have a little bit of a tan. That is really fucking weird about like, you know, it's like straight up racist in the hall of fame. Do you know there was, there was a fucking guy, and I don't know if this is true or not.

If this is just some scuttle butt, but there's literally like a guy in the hall of fame who used to carry a piece from a rope from a lynching is good luck. Can that be true? That's a tough one. That is worse than a side piece. And Pete Rose can't get into the hall of fame because he bet on the fucking dogs.

Right. Here comes the chief. I like this, this scuttle butt potential scuttle butt disclaimer. Oh, because everything, because all I do, the only research I do is I talk to somebody in a bar or I search it on the internet and I click on the first thing and whatever it says. Like I was making, you know, sort of in a way,

like it was a Kate Upton. She was chiming in on the Houston Red Sox series. So I'm sitting there going, oh, according to Kate Upton, which was funny to me. And then I was like, wow, isn't that cool? She's that beautiful. And she's that in the baseball. And somebody fine wrote this.

Hey, fuck it. She's married to Justin Verlander. She's carrying his kid right now. It's like, now it makes sense. Yeah, now it makes sense. Okay, I get it. But why does it need to make sense to me? Yeah.

Why am I mansplaining? Yeah. The only thing on my own podcast. The only thing wrong with that was the research. Yeah. The discovery. Well, I feel like I'm a victim of like the intellect that I was blessed with.

So I'm the victim. I can't help it if people are going to lie. And then I'm going to read it or maybe they tell the truth and I don't read it. I think somewhere in there in this current climate, I could somehow become a victim there. That's the only true victim hood is not taking responsibility for your own fucking actions.

Correct. Yes. Yeah. Just just being expected to research what it is you're having an opinion on. I have a Wisconsin question for you. Go ahead. You grew up there, right?

Madison, Wisconsin. Madison, smack dab. You could not escape Wisconsin if you wanted to. Like if you were walking on foot, how long would it take you to get to a great lake or Minnesota? A couple of days? It would take me a full, it would take me, yeah, I'd say one, one 24 hour period.

One 24 hour period. All right. In the summer, of course. Okay. So I want to know. I want to know how you got out of there. Out of the great state of Wisconsin without becoming a serial killer. Cause that is kind of on the low.

Like if you guys weren't so good at making cheese, right? Yeah. Then you didn't have the Packers. Yeah, there'd be a lot more. If you remove those two, no, no, no, and then be more. I'm just saying like that really would be, you'd have to steer into that.

And that would have to be your calling card to basically visit all of these people's houses. You had Jeffrey Dahmer. You had the fucking, the guy who basically, they've made like nine different serial killer movies just based off of everything that he did. They couldn't fit it all into one script. Talking about Ed Gein.

Ed Gein. Ed Gein. He was Hannibal Lecter. He was the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guys too. Maybe. I don't know. Texas might get mad at that. Hey, don't be taking our fucking serial killers here.

Hey man. Liberal fucking snowflake. Fucking scooter driving. Freckled cunt. I'm the only guy I know to defend serial killers. I'm the only guy I know. Ever been asked. Remember that we were on the road and we just thought

that was the funniest thing ever. The redneck shit talking all started. I don't know where it came from. I think I heard some guy on the plane or something say it. It's just such a ridiculous way to brag about yourself. I'm the only guy I ever know. I'm the only guy I know. No, I'm the only guy I ever met.

I'm the only guy I ever met with a Pantera bathrobe. Yeah. Dude, we did that for hours. Where were we driving? Was that that time? We did that gig in Winnipeg and we drove all the way up to fucking Saskatoon. That was a different time, I think, but we still had a Southern accent on that for some reason.

I don't know why we didn't go Canadian. It's just so fun to do a Southern accent. Oh, you do with the good Canadians. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh, we're going up to Saskatoon. That was a fun drive.

That was so flat. That's the flattest earth I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Well, that's where they farm out that way. And I mean, dude, it was so flat that you could see the earth rounding down. Yeah. No, and you could actually see the northern lights and we missed it over the flat horizon. Yeah.

Up there, man. You know, I know that they farm there as I read Bonnie McFarlane's book and her dad, for some reason, went to like Alberta, which is all rocky and you want to either have like cattle or drill for oil. And for whatever reason, he was like, fuck this, I'm going to try to farm here and just make their life, I guess, much more difficult than it needed to be, which is why she's now a comedian, I imagine. That was your line in Winnipeg was how just because flying into that city, I mean, it's

just nothing with. Oh, yeah. Nothing around it. And you were like, I've never felt so safe landing. Could have landed anywhere. Lot of options. Oh yeah. Shut your eyes and just auto rotate till you felt your skids touch the ground.

It's going to be level. Just do a running landing. So anyways, let's talk about your album. Where did you tape this soon to be deemed masterpiece? Oh, the masterpiece happened at Dynasty typewriter. It's a new spot. It's at the Hayward. I'm the only guy I ever met recorded an album at the Dynasty typewriter.

Couldn't tap. Well, Sam Sandler did his part of his special there, his new special. Oh, I got to see that. That just came out on the 23rd. It's great. There's some of some of that is shot there. But I am. I am the only guy I ever met did an album at the Dynasty typewriter.

And you made a CD. Uh, yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. No, I didn't. I mean, it's it's a great place. I'm putting my next one out on laser disk. Laser disk.

I just want the true fans to fucking get it. Why is my phone on making all that noise? Oh, what did I do now? Oh, my headphones were working perfect. And then I had the audacity to touch something. Can you still hear me, Nate? Because I can't hear myself. I can hear yourself loud and clear.

Oh, wait a second. Is this going to come through? Oh, guess who just got tickets? What are you going to go see, Bill? That's per. I'm going to go to the fucking Red Sox. Add a boy. Go support your team.

Go to game. Go to game three or four because there ain't going to be no game five, buddy. And go. Oh, would you look at that? Oh, my God. That's awesome. That is awesome. Okay.

Billy's in the game. You're going to sit in the bleachers? I'm sitting up top with the real people. I'm going to be downstairs talking to Jane Fonda. Jane, honestly, how many games did you watch this year? Hanging out with Paula Abdul and the dugout club. You're a cold-hearted snake. Is that what she's saying?

I had the biggest fucking crush on her. There were so many fucking hot chicks and the late fucking eight. There was a chick. What was her name? Can't remember any of them. Samantha Fox. Fucking. The one you just said, Paula Abdul.

Who was the one in? From Labyrinth and she was in Requiem for a dream. She's got brown hair. Sigourney Weaver. No, no, not Sigourney Weaver, but that was. Liv Tyler. Jane Fonda. I'll think about it.

I'll think about it. Yeah. Paula Abdul met her at the dugout club. You did? Mm-hmm. Still good looking, right? Yeah. She's Paula Abdul.

She's great. Not visible plastic surgery. Could you guys judge her work and not the way she looks? Opposites attract. Could you stop being attracted? We tried to get the... Attract. That's right.

Oh, yeah. Two steps forward, you take two steps back. You know when the album was over? That's what we should be talking about. Was the stupid video she made with the cat and the animated cat, which was supposed to be like... That's when I was being like, all right, I think they're trying to get too many hits off this album.

That was opposites attract, I think. That was the video for that. Oh, was it? I think so. It was so easy to write a fucking hit song back then, right? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I don't think it's gotten any harder. It's just more competition.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Back to my album, Bill. Yeah, Dynasty Typewriter. Fucking Craig, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Got an album on the internet. Tell me, Nate, how did you come up? Sorry. I feel like I'm driving across country with you right now.

You're just giddy because you got tickets to the World Series. I'm also giddy because I had that operation men over 50 have. When I find out I'm not going to fucking die of ass cancer. I fucking did that yesterday. What did you get put in your butthole? I had, as I kept saying to Nia, I go two days down. I go, Jacques Cousteau up the asshole. That's what I kept calling it.

You get a colonoscopy. Yeah, so it's just a procedure. It's a procedure. They just snake that camera up in you. Dude, it's the easy. They say hi. They meet the neighbors. You know what the hardest fucking thing is?

Just for everybody out there, right? The hardest fucking thing is, first of all, is a guy to actually go to the doctor. You know, I'm a typical guy. You should go to the doctor. I'm fine. Right? So they just scare the shit out of you.

No pun intended about this thing. Because I think the colonoscopy is a bit of a scam. Because it used to be you got to get it when you're over 50. Then it became 45. Now it's 40. And it's like every 10 years, now they're saying to be five. Now they're saying to be three to five.

I think they got every, but now that every guy feels like it's okay to go in there, it doesn't mean that you're a little fucking on the fence. You know, guys are so fucking homophobic. I ain't getting that fucking procedure. Had some guy with his fucking face up my ass. Right? Then you die like Vince Lombardi.

That's why he died. He was like, they ain't putting that fucking thing up me. Granted, it was also the late 1960s. They just would have stuck their head in there and been like, yep, looks like you're going to die. Camera was way bigger back then, Bill. Way bigger. Is it one of those old fucking?

What is the silent film thing? It is a crank on it. Guy with a crank literally inside your body. And so we took a picture. It was that explosion with the fucking. Then when they took the picture and there was that explosion for the flash, they had to stick that in you too. We got a talk coach.

Yeah. So anyways, the hardest thing was the stuff you have to drink. It's just kind of, it's like the best tasting medicine. It still tastes medicine. And then you just sort of like, you know, you can't eat for a day. But then when you go there, it's just, you, they go, okay, here we go. Here's the fucking anesthesia and they put it on you. And then you're, you're out.

You're out. You're out. You're out for this. You're out. We, I didn't know it was like that. Yeah. A lot of trust. A lot of trust.

You're out. And then all of a sudden, like a second later, somebody goes, all right, you're good. You're like, that's it. That's it. Sounds like a UFO abduction. No, because that's, you know, I willfully went there. I wasn't walking out into a field of corn past Ed Gein's house.

So if there's anybody out there of a certain age, like, uh, it's, it's, it's easy. I'm only guy I've ever met, seen a UFO at Target. And I was the only guy to see it. Um, yeah. So I'm also giddy about that because I'm on the other side of it. Next month, I'm getting my heart checked out. This is all being an old dad, getting the heart checked out, doing the stress test. And then I'm actually for the first time in my life going to have like a fucking doctor

where I'll go to get a physical every year. Hold up now. Are you, uh, you walking on your tiptoes today? How are you feeling there, buddy? I mean, I have no idea that a group of men were looking at my ass yesterday. No clue whatsoever. I, you know what I mean? It was sort of probably the same feeling like if you got abducted by aliens.

But the next day you kind of know something went down, but you don't really remember it. And it's difficult to relate to other human beings. But that only lasts for a couple of hours. Is that your doctor sent you the world series tickets? Bill. Yeah. Like, this never happened. This never happened.

No, I am, I'm, I'm thrilled. So I don't have to go back. They said for another three to five years. And it's just like, all right. So then, but then what's good, dude, it's like back in the day. Remember, you got the fucking age test, right? And it was just like the first time you got it. This was every fucking chick you'd ever fucking been with.

And then it's nervous. Yeah. And then the next time you got tests, it's just the last three years. You know, so it's going to be the same way that I, you know, I went to McDonald's a couple of times. I've been eating plenty. I've been eating plenty of fucking Bali or whatever the hell you're supposed to be doing. I've been doing all right though. But, you know, Tom's, you know, it's funny though, is it's still nerve wracking anytime you go to, I mean, you know, that's the

I'm engaged now. So good to go. But to go in and get tested, the screenings, even. Oh yeah. I can't remember the first. You remember the first age test you ever. Yes. And I had the coolest.

I have the coolest fucking doctor ever to look on your face. He came. I was sitting in and he knew I was fine. He came walking out and he was just going, come on back. You're fine. You're fine. Don't worry. Come on back.

I was like, thank God he didn't do the scared straight fucking thing where he had me walk all the way back. Okay. We got your results. And you know, look behind door. Number two. He just saw it. He was like, dude, you're fine. You're fine.

I was like, all right, thanks. Let me know that you came out the gate. Yeah. Yeah. And uh, so that was, so now that I got that out of the way. So Bill Burr got after it. I'm going to, uh, I didn't really get after it, but I went after it. I went in the wrong areas of society and fucking, uh, you know, I was that guy, you know, you

know, I was standing up during battle. I shouldn't have done that. You know, I should have protected myself a little better, but that was the young me. Yeah. That was the young me. Like I grew up in the 80s. So I didn't, I didn't know it had jumped the fence at that point. You know, there wasn't a lot of information out there.

Do you know what I'm talking about at all? You're a kid from the 90s, right? Yeah. I got you. Grew up with like fucking insane. I'm hearing you jump the fences. Uh, interesting saying that I haven't used in back street boys. Well, in beginning, they were like, if, as long as you, if it was initially considered a gay

disease and, and people who were shooting heroin, I remember that. So there was all these homophobic jokes about it and all of this stuff about junkies and that type of stuff. And then who was, it was probably magic Johnson. And then everybody's like, Oh, well he kissed fucking Isaiah in the cheek. I don't fucking know about that. It's like, well they do that in France all the fucking time. Nobody's banging more women than those guys.

So that, that was the thing. Then all of a sudden it had gone into the whole, you know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't pay attention to stuff. That's when you, uh, you got tested the week after magic's press conference. No, I got tested, uh, mid 90s, mid 90s. I did. And I, I, I was in a relationship and she's like, yeah, we should both get tested. I was just like, yeah, yeah, let's do that.

I've been pretty safe all the time. No, but I remember too, I came out. I was, I was, you know, had nothing clean bill of health and I was just, I was psyched. I was fucking psyched. You know, you got lucky. Yeah. You got lucky. Got done.

You got one Jordan, three people in the bank. Only the lucky. Sorry. That was lover boy. Um, that's funny. Like they should guess like, you know, when you get tested for that, it would be like, all right, what bands were you listening to in high school? I was listening to lover boy.

All right, dude, you might want to sit out for this. But anyway, so I'm, so I, this is some weird way that I'm promoting your album and also I listened to rush. So I was pretty in the clear. I was in the clear. You know, I heard a rush song the other day that I actually, uh, I hadn't heard in a long time. I really thought, man, that's a great song.

I work in man. Yeah. Is that it? Only the lucky. Sorry. All I can hear is lover boy. I'm damaged. That's one hell of a mashup.

Do you know how many times I heard pour some sugar on me in the summer of 88? I listened to it a lot. That was the hot video that summer. MTV showed music. I remember as a kid, look, mommy, he's playing the drums with one hand. Yeah. I thought it was cool. I think it's really cool that they didn't fire that guy.

They stood by him. Yeah. There's people, all they do is meth and they're out of the fucking band. That guy lost an arm and they're still like, all right, all right, mate. Learn how to play with your fate too. I mean, they just like, I mean, talk about friends. I mean, you got to think if you lose a, I mean, if a guitarist lost the arm, he's out. He's out.

Yeah. He can, he can stand on the stage, but they're not going to trust him with any solos. It's a rough one arm. Although there's a guy with no arms who plays a mean guitar. I've seen that somewhere. I think he has his feet and he has a C as you use those slide for his big toe. He uses a spoon. There was somebody I saw had like a fucking spoon in his mouth or something.

There's like, whenever I see those fucking things, like, uh, I'm always amazed by it. And then also I feel like I'm at Coney Island without paying the fee. There's always like an element of guilt to this. Like, why am I watching this fucking person? You know, like this is, uh, you know, Spoon man. Spoon man playing the strong without my hands, my feet. Make me feel guilty for watching you.

Yeah, there you go. Spoon man. I'm sorry. You know, what we're basically doing is we're just recreating what we do when we're in the fucking car. As we're driving up to Saskatoon. Remember when we were in Winnipeg and we thought they were booing us because we said we're going up to Saskatoon. People in the upper deck just kept going to tune. I thought they were booing me.

I was just like, those are good people up there. They are good people. You were sold, man. I was ready to move. You were ready to move. Find your wife, settle down to tune. Get yourself a little farm. All those creepy serial killer fucking tools that you have.

No one would question citizenship. There you go. That's right. One side on the is Trump going to make it better? One side in the, uh, I don't know, whatever, whatever the fuck it is, free ice. Is that what you get up there? Just those fucking tons of free ice. Yeah.

The ice time up there is ridiculous. Yeah. It's all 14 months a year. No, no, I was in Ottawa. I was looking and I go, what's up with that rink? They go, oh, oh, if you want to skate around, you can. Oh, sure. Did you bring your boots?

Yeah. They just had an outdoor rink. I was skating during like lunch hour and then I'm seeing this little kid. The mother's like teaching them how to like crossover and shit like that. I was just like, this is why we went at the amateur level, the gold medal, but not the pro level because their amateurs are already in the pros. And that's, I think that's, that's my theory. Why we always, we win the amateur one, but we don't, the juniors.

Sorry. We don't win the, uh, the pros. It's all that free ice. We're pretty good, despite, despite the fact that, uh, we focus on every other major sport first. I, you know, so that's a good point. Despite the fact that I think that the tipping point was when rollerblading was as popular as it was.

I, and then roller hockey started getting going. I thought then we were going to be able to compete with them. And then all of a sudden one homophobic joke. Different game. One homophobic joke. Different game. It isn't though, but it's the same level of tenacity. No, it is not.

It's a slower. Nate Craig, if you're going to try to tell me that roller hockey is slower than ice hockey, I'm going to end this podcast right now. That's an easy, if you're going to give me that, I'm going to run with that all day. You played hockey, right? Man, I'm the only guy I've ever met. I'm the only guy I've ever met. You played, uh, high school.

Yeah. I played high school hockey. And, uh, how would, how would you describe your game? Average below average. I started kind of late, but were you, uh, was there a mean streak to your game? No. I, I definitely like to, I like to, uh, play physical. You're a physical guy.

I would, I would, I would, I would get the crap knocked out of me, but I would also, I would also. Well, you're not a small guy. Were you just a, uh, you're a wiry back then? Yeah. You know, I wasn't. Do you have a temper? Did your ears turn red when somebody checked you?

I definitely wanted to hurt somebody if, you know, it was full contact. Full contact hockey is the best. I just haven't played in a long time. I haven't worn shoulder pads in 20 years. What's the best you ever got somebody? Oh my God. I don't know. Somebody coming across the middle with their head down.

I mean, you can really, did they have to leave the ice? Uh, I don't think I ever hurt anybody. Um, do you feel bad at all? No, I did not ever hurt anybody. No, I never felt bad. No, never, ever, ever. That was like, and that's like a legal and hockey. Like if you actually feel bad, yeah, you can't, it's not for you.

You can't really make your walk out. That's when you put your rollerblades on. That's when you hit your rollerblades. Start taking wide turns out there. Let me tell you something. I'd like to see somebody set up those cones the way those kids do in the park and do those little fucking backward little S turns. Yeah.

They got some go get them. Those kids, yeah. Put on your little booty shorts, come back down backwards. I don't know. I always thought it was a little more manly to rollerblade. Because it's so acceptable to play ice hockey. You know what I mean? I thought it took a real man, somebody who's really comfortable with themselves

to skate backwards in a park, you know, with your short shorts on, going around in and out of those fucking orange cones. Ahead of the time. Little cones too. Didn't want the cones to be too big. No, no, no. You get the little cones because otherwise people think, you know, maybe think more of you if you have a regular size construction cone.

It's probably more difficult. More difficult. You know what it was? Confused for other things that could be confused for like real man activities. I know what it is. What it is is the cone would be so high and you had to hunch down that your ball bag would be hitting them. Because your crotch stays right over the fucking cones.

Yeah, because you're so comfortable in who you are. That's right. That you're the kind of guy with a big low hanging ball sack. That you speed bag. That might nick one of those tall, regular sized cones. You've got to have low cones. I think it hurts to fall on the ice. Fall on the asphalt.

Okay. If you're man enough to roller blade in the park with short cones and spandex then you got a ball bag that hangs low enough for you to maybe protect. So what are you saying? From a taller cone. I'm deciding what the roller blade is here. I'm agreeing.

I'm not arguing with your point that it takes a real man to go out in the park set up cones. When do you think you'll be secure enough with yourself to go roller blade? I'm not going to lie. I have limitations. I have limitations. Hey, I have to promote something. Aside from your album, preferred customer.

What are you selling this week, Bill? I'm selling Effis for Family. Season three is coming out on Netflix on November 29th. Next month, it will be a joyous occasion. And I think this is our strongest season. I'm talking a little shit here, man. All right? You understand what I'm doing here?

I'm saying that this is the best work we've done. And I challenge you to watch all 10 episodes. So I get credit for the ratings before you decide that I stink. Hey, here's something else. You're on a show maniac. Also on Netflix, buddy. By the great Jonah Hill. Huge fan of Jonah Hill.

You know I like Jonah Hill. When he promotes something, if someone gives him shit, he tells him to go fuck themselves. I don't know why more celebrities don't do that. There's always these little nitpick fucking cunty journalists coming at him. It's just like, why don't you just say, go fuck yourself? He does. Not saying he does it all the time.

Not trying to put it out there that he's like that. But there was some guy just, he was harping on him about his fucking weight, knowing that he was sensitive about it. He's just like, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you. I wanted him to punch that guy so bad. Take the lawsuit.

Make them all honest. And then there's another thing. A buddy of mine, Johnny Hickey, another Boston guy. He's so Boston he calls you up. You're like, what's up doctor? He's like that level Boston. All right. He's got a movie called The Habit that's coming out.

And there's a premiere Tuesday, October 30th in Reading, Massachusetts. All right. Jordan's IMAX. Tuesday, October 30th. Jordan's IMAX. It's a horror movie, The Habit. Director Johnny Hickey. Director Johnny Hickey.

And for tickets, you can go to, oh my God, The Habit premiere. All right. Is that what it is? Tickets. B-I-T dot L-Y slash The Habit premiere. God damn, my eyes are just fucking going. I hope I said that right. Anyways, just look up The Habit.

Jordan's IMAX. Reading, Massachusetts. October 30th premiere. And you'll be able to find it. Anyways, so what else, Nate? What else can we talk about? How much time have we done here? Your vision's a little blurry because they crawled up inside you with a crank.

And you know, I would like to think that you'd have a little more fucking empathy for me. Oh, Bill, I'm just trying. I'm trying to make excuses for your poor vision. Trying to remind everybody what you've been through. What I've been through. I'm the victim here. Yeah. Dude, you literally take a nap and you wake up and the guy's like, all right, you're all good.

And you don't feel nothing. You're all good. They got it. It's cameras are getting smaller. The cameras are getting smaller and smaller every year. Yeah. You know something? That's actually a good point.

Like why didn't I, yeah. It's good that you waited. I waited until the cameras were small enough. I'm doing the same thing with hair plugs. I'm just waiting until they just fucking, you just throw some fertilizer on your fucking head. I'm not doing this shit vacuum and stuff out and maybe or maybe not. I'm waiting for when it's 100%. What are they vacuum?

Well, they used to take like a slice out of the back. They cut like a fucking, like a strip. By the way, dude, you have, you have the hair I had when I was in like fucking third grade. You fucking another reason to download preferred customer by Nate Craig. Instant classic. And watch Maniac on Netflix created by Patrick Somerville. The great Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill.

Even handed Jonah Hill. Never tells anybody to go fuck themselves unless they deserve it. The diplomat. Jonah Hill. I love Jonah Hill. Oscar nominated Jonah Hill. I heard him on Howard Stern today. He's got some film coming out too that I'm going to go see.

Yeah. The 80s or something. No, it's about the 90s. The 90s. Yeah. It sounds. Yeah. I'm going to see that too.

Anyways, so I got it. You know what? They used to cut a fucking strip out of the back of your head, right? And then they, it was fucking creepy. Then they take that, then they'd sew your head back together. They take like an eighth of an inch out and then somehow strip. Yeah. Just that strip, they were able to seed you like, how are you going to, there's not enough.

Like that hair only covered that amount of your head. This is going to cover the whole top of your head. I don't know how they did it. It's kind of like when they seed a room fat. Tricking the rest of your scalp into growing hair. Well, these, the ones in the back, I guess they're good for life. I don't get it. But like, as far as I look at it, it's like now you're sticking it into the fucking

no man's land, the DMZ, right? Like, like this is like, I feel like back here is like, you know, you're in the United States of America and then like here you just went to Baghdad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You might see some fucking action, right? You're out on patrol.

You're on point. So, um, the, uh, I don't know. So now someone's trying to claim now like that stem cell shit, you know, because like you fucking shoot it in like Rogan's over there. Rogan is like my, I don't have a real doctor. Joe Rogan in his podcast, the great Joe Rogan. He does research. He actually is a very, very well read guy.

Like he really does research and I'm lazy. So I just wait to hear what Joe Rogan says and I'm like, ah, fucking kettlebells, man. Kettlebells are the way to go. A fucking, uh, he's just achieved so much. The guy was a fucking national champion tycoon. You ever seen his spinning fucking heel kick? You ever seen that thing? No.

Oh my God, dude, you'd have to learn how to speak again if you lived. It is fucking ridiculous. Okay. Crush that. Uh, book to sitcom. Crush that. Uh, fucking did a game show. Crushed it as a fucking host.

Uh, crushes it as a comic, gets into podcast and biggest fucking podcast. I mean, just why wouldn't he know about stem cells? Sure. He, he's a renaissance. Now his podcast is your doctor. He hunts. Right. Yeah.

Kills elk. You know, it doesn't kill. He uses the whole thing. You go over there. He gives you like fucking elk meat. I love Rogan's career. I would, I mean, imagine being able to call, you know, if, if you got to call your favorite sport.

Oh yeah. That's so fun. No. And then the, also the fact that that's as far as like having the best guy fight the best guy, best woman, fight the best woman, as far as, is that goes that MM, MMA, that's what I, I feel is what killed boxing was just those guys ducking people for years and years and years. And then it's like his, this is the IBF heavyweight champion.

This is the WBC. It's the WBA. Like back in the day when I was a kid, there was one world champion and you had to beat that fucking guy to win. They weren't like three of them. And then somebody's trying to unify the fucking title. They became like those fucking superhero movies. Like after a while it's just like, did these two guys exist at the same time?

How are they driving down the street together? Who's a good guy? Who's a bad guy? Right. I don't know. I never really watched the superhero movies. I'll still watch boxing now. I don't know why I still watch.

I love boxing. It is obnoxious that they can somehow. Can you imagine if, if, if Mayweather and Pacquiao fought when they should have fought and they just had fucking two or three classics Mayweather would have knocked him out three times. Knocked. Do you think he had that power? Yeah.

Okay. I don't, man. I don't know enough about it. I don't either. But I'm out of my wheelhouse. Aside from early Tyson and maybe Roy Jones for a year or two, he's the best boxer I've ever watched. I mean, yeah, you can't hit the guy.

You can't hit the guy and his left, that left comes just real heavy. Yeah. I think he would have knocked out my Manny Pacquiao a couple of times for sure. They had a fight. But they should have fought. The point is they should have fought. How do you think he would have done? Was he like, was he a middleweight?

What was he? I don't even know. Well, if he was in that division with Hagler, Hearns, Leonard and Durand, and all of them took a loss because all four of those guys were around at the same time. Now, I don't know enough about boxing, like, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there wasn't that level of talent in his division. So taking that guy back in time, because I had his big argument one time with Verzi about this, where Verzi said he would have beat all four of those guys.

I'm like, all four of those guys couldn't even beat each other. How much weight does he have on this weight? I wish I knew the weight class. Well, let's just say they were the same weight class. The big thing with Tommy Hearns was he was so fucking tall and could make that weight. He was like six feet tall or something like that. You know why I think what Mayweather beats any of those guys? Because the difference in from now and then is significant in the training and the diet.

No, no, no, no. But that's not a fair thing. I'm saying if they had the same training, the same diet, they came up in the same era. I don't know. I didn't watch enough. But I, but I, I think that Floyd Mayweather definitely could, could bang and stand a pretty good chance. No, I think it would be good against any of them.

I just don't know if you go for no for no, yeah, that's tough, but they should be fighting all the, I mean, yeah, there should be no cupcake fights. Can we get back to hair plugs? I don't, I still can't, I still can't wrap my head around how some hair follicles are going to trick the other hair follicles into growing more hair. No, no, no, these ones are just like, okay, these ones up here are sensitive. Right.

That's what it's like. And these ones back here, these ones back here were raised right. Like their parents didn't just, if they fell down, they said rub some dirt on it. They just, these ones up here were, I don't know what, I don't know what, but just everything was not there. Like the teacher said, the kid was a fucking asshole. The parents blame the teacher rather than looking at the kid. Those, those are the, that's that hair on top of your head.

So evidently, something that I breezed by quickly on the internet was claiming that stem cell is close to whatever, that you're going to be able to shoot this shit at the top and I'll have fucking hair like yours, of course, you know, my color though, right? So I was joking with my listeners that I'm doing this, I haven't quite announced it yet because we won't announce all the dates. I have this East, East German, Eastern European tour coming up in January. And I was saying, I'm going to find some Transylvanian doctor and they're going to fucking shoot my head up, right?

And I'm going to be over there long enough and I'm going to come back with like, like a Farrah faucet haircut full head of black Transylvanian hair with my yellow eyebrows and my fucking freckles. Yeah. I'm going to come back looking like Jacqueline Smith, but the reddit and male version of that, but jet black hair. That's how it's going to be. It's going to be, and you know what it's, I'm going to tell you Nate, it's going to

be weird and it's going to affect our friendship, but I really only think for about three weeks and you just accept it because I'll still be me. I'll still be me. I'll still be telling the same jokes. I'll still smoke a cigar with you. No, I could change you. You're just going to have, I could change your bill in what way? I don't know.

You know, send me a full, full, beautiful head of flowing black hair. I'll send it. Get a convertible. I'll give one of those things like a hearse, those old willies jeeps, right? Well, you can put the windshield down so I can just have the hair blowing the whole fucking time. Yeah. Did you see Burr's hair?

He's not sleeping. He's driving a hearse now. Yeah. Oh, it's going on the vampire route. Yeah. And I'll be fucking, I'll be all gray. Be like that. I'll look like a lost boy.

I'll be a redheaded fucking lost boy. I got to learn how to say that in Czechoslovakian when I walk into the hair doctor and he asked me, how can I help you? All right. I'm just going to be, I want to, I want to look like a fucking, what did I do? I'm a redheaded lost boy. Make me look like I've been here for thousands of years. No, I don't want that look.

I know what that look. Dude, if I did that and then I started Botox and do you realize the roles that would open? I'd have the shiny, frozen face, right? You'd have to start working at a casino. You'd have to sign a contract at a casino. Oh, no, I don't want to go that route. Um, anyways, so I guess, I guess I'm going to game four, man. I'm psyched.

Oh, by the way, the all things comedy podcast, uh, festival is this weekend out there in Arizona. I want to thank everybody. I think it starts up tonight. Paul Verzi is out there. I'm going to be there tomorrow doing a live podcast live live. I do this shit talking to myself live in front of a crowd. I've only done it one other time and I did it in, uh, Hey, maybe I'll talk about getting

my colonoscopy. Where are you going to do this? Um, at, uh, what's that, what's that comedy club there and fucking laughs? What's the, what's the one that yuck yucks stand up live, uh, Phoenix knee slappers. Yeah. Phoenix. What's it called? Not the tempi improv stand up live, right?

Isn't it stand up live? There you go. Yeah. Uh, uh, gut busters, gut busters, what's it called there? Funny bone. Um, yeah, I'm going to be doing that and then I'm going to be doing a stand up show after that. And then I'll also be doing the goddamn comedy jam.

So I have, I have to fucking learn how to play a fucking song by then, man. God damn. God damn. I do. I got to get them changes down, man. Everybody knows, man, when you're the drummer, you can fuck up as a guitarist. You can fuck up on that fiddle. Oh, but you fuck up as a drummer.

Everybody knows it. Even if they don't know it was you, they know something happened. I'm the only guy I ever met. You learn a fucking song on a fucking Southwest flight to fucking Phoenix, Arizona, 50 minutes. I'm only guy I ever met took, took drum lessons on a pontoon boat. I'm the only guy I've met made drumsticks out of a platypus. I'm only guy I ever met makes his own possum bacon. You can actually bake.

Right. You can actually cook. Can't you? I mean, I'm, it's limited. My game. I thought you threw down. I thought you threw down. You made something.

Would you send me a picture? No, I've been to your tailgate twice. I didn't. How great is that? I freeloaded both times, freeloaded my ass off. Were you there that year when I fell for like 45 seconds? I was right there. That was perfect.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Oh yeah. You wrapped around. I was losing my balance standing tent pole. You tried to hold on to like, you tried to hold on to like a fold out tent. Like it was like a pillar at like a, like a shelter.

Oh yeah. That aluminum thing. Like you tried to balance on something that was 15 pounds tops. Yeah. I said, sorry, like 19 times in a row before I finally went down. Somehow the thing stayed in one place and you kind of wrapped around it as you fell over a cooler and then slept in a folding chair for about. I do that every year.

Two hours every year. I do the power nap. I do the power nap. I remember one year being so hammered at that thing. I was smoking my Cuban cigar before a law had had finished the entree. So I was, and people were just, I mean, I was a mess. People were taking pictures. Oh, they were walking strangers were taking pictures with you like you were like a, like

a Marlin hanging. No, they didn't want to go near me. They didn't want to go near me. I remember looking up at some mothers going by with children. And I, and I didn't understand. I thought they used to be looking at me with disgust, but now that I am a parent, I know what that look was. That was, that was actually, how do I prevent my children from doing that, from becoming

that because whoever their parents are, they've failed completely. I'm only guy I ever met. Got fans in my sleep. That's a good one. That's some shit talk. I'm the only guy I've met can't read out loud. Does it every fucking week in his podcast? I got to do fucking, uh, I got to do some fucking, I got to read some shit here.

I think it was season three, November 29th, November 29 season three, yeah, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, where did you, come and watch this shit? Season three. All right. Oh, Hey, here we go. Um, you like advertising, right? Love it. All right.

Here we go. By the way, November 29th, I'll be at zanies and St. Charles. Oh, you will say, will say. I remember that run. Is that the one when, is that when you start, uh, you start downtown and then you did, you do St. Charles and then Mount Vernon or something.

That one's closed, but the St. Charles one is still open. I'll be there at 29th, which was that Illuminati like sort of like, it was like this sort of the middle of nowhere, like giant ranch style, that's pheasant run. That's the St. Charles. Yeah, it's the reserve.

That's like a quarter mile walk to the venue and you never go outside. Yeah. You never go outside. So it's a real Midwest casino experience. I love it. All right. Hymns, everybody. Hymns.

It wasn't us. It was Hymns. Here's a problem. Oh, look at this. 66% of men lose their hair by age 35. Look at that. Nate, you're in the top fucking 34%. Thing is, is when you start to notice hair loss, it's too late.

It's easier to keep the hair you have than to replace the hair you've lost. Is that hairline slowly starting to move backwards? Any bald spots yet? How will you feel a year from now? If it's business as usual up there, why do guys turn to weird solution or do nothing when they can turn to the medicine? I always get slightly offended at this. And we can turn to medicine and science.

What Hymns does is connect you with real doctors and medical grade solutions to treat hair loss, well known generic equivalents to name brand prescriptions to help you keep your hair. No snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements. Prescription solutions backed by science. No waiting room. No awkward doctor visits. Save hours by going to for Hymns.com.

Answer a few quick questions. Doctor will review and can prescribe you products are shipped directly to your door order now. My listeners get a trial month of Hymns for just $5 today right now. While supplies last, see website for full details. This would cost hundreds. If you went to the doctor or a pharmacy, go to for Hymns.com slash burr. That's F O R H I M S dot com slash burr for Hymns.com slash burr.

Oh, look who's here now. But boo boo boo me on these me on these. I'm the only guy ever met. Do, do, do, do me on these me on these. You ain't seen my fucking dick yet. I'll take it out and shake it at your face. There ain't no meat to an Oklahoma. We're at a dance and I took you.

Sorry. All right. Me on these, uh, you've heard me obsess over me on these and all the amazing colors and prints they offer. But guys, did you know that me on these also makes the world's most comfortable lounge pants and teas? Well, did you with fall finally here? Yeah, with global warming finally got here.

Now is the perfect time to put these cozy essentials to the test fall offerings. The lounge pants are made from the same micro modal modal fabric as their undies. Let me tell you, you'll be in fall heaven when you cover your entire bottom half with fabrics that's three times softer than cotton. Me on these also love celebrating the fall season with fun Halloween prints. Check out their latest jack-o-lantern print. Jack-o-lantern prints in undies socks and brolets pronounced brolet. Why don't you help me out to say fucking modell?

I'm the only guy I've met where a brolet didn't get his fucking ass kicked out the bar. The best part when you join me at the membership, you can get all the stuff. Lounge pants, teas, undies, fucking elk antlers that you didn't shoot, but take credit for everything me undies makes for less than anyone else. Special member pricing is just one of the many perks of joining the membership. Me undies has a great offer for my listeners. Freddie first time purchasers. When you purchase any me undies, you get 15% off and free shipping.

This is a no brainer. Get 15% off a pair of the most comfortable undies you will ever put on. To get your 15% off your first pair and free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meundies.com slash bird. That's meundies.com slash bird. Oh, Nate, OK, you don't need hair plugs. Maybe your balls are nice and soft and whatever the fuck you're wearing right now. But I have a product for you.

Butcher box. You ever heard of this shit? No, dude, I'm tight. This is the best pork chop I've ever fucking had. Delivered right to my door, right in my goddamn skillet season. Really, you know, finished it in the oven, took it out, gave it a fucking rosemary fucking butter bath. Unbelievable. All right.

Butcher box delivers healthy 100% grass fed and grass finished beef. Free range, organic, organic chickens and heritage, bread, bread, pork. Now, like you, you're like me, you were probably asking, what is heritage bread, pork? This is exactly what I was asking. You know what the fuck this is? Evidently, these are pigs, pure pigs. All right, that you can trace the bloodline back to Europe.

These were the original snooty pigs, not like these filthy ones that are all fucking mixed here. This is like sort of like the Klan meets pork. I'm only guy ever met each royal bacon. It's royal fucking bacon, right from his fucking highnesses. God damn lounge. Do this, this, I don't know, dude. This it was the greatest fucking pork chop other than I went to a gourmet

restaurant and they really knew what they were doing, but I'm a comedian and I cook this thing and this thing fucked with that pork chop. All right. Butcher box. Yes, right. The incredible quality of butcher box meets start with the commitment to raising animals humanely and free of antibiotics and hormones before they murder them. All right, each box comes with at least nine to 11 pounds of meat,

which is enough for 24 individual size meals, unless you're a fat binge eating fuck. Then you'll probably just stick your face in it and eat fucking raw meat. Please try to cook the chicken to all the fatties out there. You can choose from five different box types, all beef, beef and chicken, beef and pork, mixed box, gender, neutral pork. No, that's not something custom box, antibiotic, hormone, fee free. Butcher box believes in a healthier food system where everyone has access to meets the way nature intended, free of antibiotics and hormones

and humanely raised on open pastures before they murder those animals. Selection butcher box carefully curates the finest selection and cuts and makes it a breeze to customize your own delivery. Build your own box to get exactly what you and your family love. Choose your delivery frequency with the custom customizable subscription. Recipes are available on butcher box website and videos are available to follow along on butcher box YouTube channel for free bacon. And $20 off your first box.

Go to butcherbox.com slash burnout enter the promo code Burr. That's $20 off in free bacon promo code Burr. Oh my God, dude, I gotta tell you everything in there is great. But I am I am a big, big fucking pork chop guy. Dude, guess what? The fucking Terminex guy is coming. I got termites in my house. You got to get a tent put up.

I got it. I got to get a tent that I can slowly fall around for 45 seconds. As I say, sorry and sorry. So let's let's fucking wrap this up here. Nate, you're one of my favorite people in this fucking business. You really are. Buddy, you really are. You were raised right. You know, your dad made you refinish that fucking basement, right? You had to get on your hands and knees and scrub it. He said the floor wasn't clean enough wire brush, wire fucking brush.

Do it again. Do it again. Came downstairs. Yeah. Scrape the house. That's right. Yeah. And you were down there crying, saying how much you hated your dad. And he didn't let you back up to your fucking finished it. Right. He's a beautiful man. It is. But I'm just saying real, real Mr. Miyagi treatment. Yeah, yeah, wax on, wax off.

You have a CD out. It is called prefer customer. It's available in iTunes. I'm going to download it because I support you and everything that you do. And my wife loves you, you know, usually she's like, take those animals out back. You, she actually lets in the house. Look, here at Nate Craig dot com. We love the birds. All right. And with that, maniac on Netflix,

I'll be at go bananas in Cincinnati, February 7th through the 10th. You got it. Let's see here. And then before we go to the throwback, we got I called into the sports gambling podcast with Sean Green, Ryan, Ryan Kramer. These guys know their shit. And I'm Sean Green. I'm just the dope on the show. You can listen to my picks for the week.

I'm getting more and more housewifey like New Orleans versus the Vikings. Well, I love Bourbon Street. So and I love Drew Brees. I just think he's a family man. I'm taking the Saints. And then we'll have a bonus half hour of of Grace hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcasts. Have a great weekend.

You can't. Whoa, go pray, my shotgun. Oh, I ain't gonna start shooting again. Go bring me my shotgun. You know, I just got to start shooting again. You know, I'm going to shoot my woman. Cause she's fooling around with too many men. Bill Burr on the sports gambling podcast is brought to you by my bookie.

Daddy G my bookie is the leader in online sports books. He's the promo code Bill Betts for a 100% deposit bonus play, win and get paid at my bookie. Daddy G joining us on the line courtesy of my bookie. Daddy G promo code Bill Betts, the one and only Bill Burr, Bill appreciate you calling in. And we got you away from the game currently right now we're taping during a world series game one right now. The sacks are up five to three. How are you feeling me away? You don't have me away. I got around you. Well, I'm the guy who never feels confident about his team. I feel like the Dodgers have been in the last couple of years and, and,

and haven't been able to get it done. So they got a lot of experience and all of that, but I'm hoping, you know, we can come out with a victory year tonight. You know, the usual stuff, Bill Belichick, I've learned you don't talk trash, no bulletin board material. That was always a, I love that he, who is it? The Patriots receiver that made all those Rex Ryan foot shows. Yeah. Wes Welker in that press conference where he just kept calling out the Rex Ryan foot fetish video. And then Belichick had to lay the hammer on him and drop him for, I think he made him sit the first quarter. Yeah. And we lost that game against the jets class. It makes you wonder what a Malcolm Butler did before the Super

Bowl. As far as like, what do you got to do to get sat for the Super Bowl? But I, I guess we'll never find out. No, I think what you're going to have to do is years later, you got to be on a golf course with some old time Patriots or whatever. And someone, someone will have a couple of too many course lights and someone will tell you what happened. Eventually. Yeah. I like that. They've kept it in house. So yeah. Yeah. Belichick actually did the intro to the world series. I don't know if you caught that up top. He did the voiceover for kind of like the hype video leading into what an exciting voice, which he's, he's an amazing coach, but his, his voiceover work kind of monotone there.

I think it's just muscle memory at this point. Everybody, everybody who's like on the team says he's actually a funny guy, but you know, he's just smart. Like that's, that's crap that those guys were doing that guy and the Astros who showed them lighten up was it price or something? I forget who, I forget who that was, wasn't price, but, but it was just, you know, when they went back to back to back against them, so just looking at some game film, it's just like, why would you do anything to amp up the other person? Cause the second you get pissed, you're not scared anymore. It's like, let him sit there in silence and think about, I hope I don't screw this up. You know, instead you get them all motivated.

It's dumb. It's the most obvious, like saying tactic in sport. Just don't talk, just don't speak. Everyone, everyone gives bell check crap. But what should he say to the media? Should he tip his hand as a, as a fan? You don't want him giving away any of the slightest thing, either motivation or strategy wise. Why would you ever say anything? And Sean, you know, you know, he probably got into it when he was a younger man, because for Lawrence Taylor to respect bill, it's bill a check on the level that Lawrence Taylor respects bill Bella check. He's seen some shit, right? LT got after a pretty hard there. Yeah. I think, I think, you know, I think the meat,

the half the reason the media hates us is because we, we always win. And the other half is cause bill Bella check makes them so difficult to do their job. They like, like they loved Rex Ryan. Rex Ryan was a quote machine and it's just like, he just gave them easy days. He just, Hey, I'm not going up there to kiss his rings. You know, we're going to win the super bowl. He was like, Rex Ryan, it was like interviewing a wrestler, do a promo or something. He was the heel. Trump. I mean, the Rex Ryan is the football equivalent of Trump. Exactly. Yeah. The article writes itself and bill Bella check is just like, Oh man, I, now I actually have to watch the game and come up with something smart to say, you know,

some sort of analogy rather than just building it around the crazy thing our coach said. Yeah. Rex Ryan made everyone's job easier. All right, Bill, let's hop into some of these spreads, moving over to the NFL, kicking things off. Lines courtesy again from my bookie dad, AG, big game here in New Orleans, heading to Minnesota right now, the Minnesota Vikings, a one point favorite at home. Which way you lean in here? I love Drew Brees and I love New Orleans and I like to drink. So I'm going with New Orleans solid combo. You can't, you can't beat that combo. Yeah. Stay off, stay off of bourbon street. I got some places you can go, you go with the locals go, you know, you don't go

to bourbon street. That's, that's the time square of New Orleans. You had it. Hey, hang out with Eddie. Oh, and you eat some chicken on a stick at a gas station, Sean. Yeah. This is how you do it. I mean, there's a huge revenge angle here. Right. Oh yeah. I mean, New Orleans coming in after what happened to knock them out of the playoffs, that miracle in Minnesota, the way they lost that game. I mean, they were, they obviously they should have won that game. Total collapse, New Orleans coming in on fire, five and no in their last five, but more importantly, four and one against the spread. This New Orleans team, I think if they were going to slip up, it was, it was going to be against

that Ravens team, right? But they played well, hung in that game and this team just seems to in the NFC right now, it's just got to be the saints or the Rams, right? I mean, they, they seem like they're really firing on all cylinders. Yeah. I'm going to play the regression angle. Everyone's seeing the same. You're going Vikings. I'm going to go Vikings. I'm going, I'm not going to, I'm going to, they're pros. I don't think the revenge thing's real. And I think this Minnesota defense has turned it up of late. And yeah, everyone's kind of forgotten about that sick home field advantage. And I think it's coming back. So well, New Orleans normally not good on the road, but I mean,

it's another dome team. I think this is a decent spot for him. All right. Two out of three. I actually, I don't believe in that, that, you know, the, you know, the, the grudge matches anymore, unless it happened the same season with the margin of free agencies and how much everybody hangs out each with each other at a barbecue. It's, it's not the way it used to be. Yeah. Everyone's hanging, tagging, tagging each other on the Graham and shouting each other out, especially in the NBA, the NBA, it just feels like one big rec league where there's just, okay, there's one team that's clearly going to dominate. And then everyone

else is just kind of having fun hanging out. Yeah. It's like a warehouse playing softball against each other. And it's, it's really just about going out and having some beers. You know, yeah, they may as well turn the NBA into a beer league league at this point. It's gotten crazy. The fact that nobody, I mean, what was the last thing you saw an Instagram video of a dunk where there was anybody seriously challenging somebody. First of all, you're not even allowed to be in the paint and all these kids know, oh man, I'm going to be on the Graham. So dude, you used to get your head taken off, but not, not you just, I don't know. It's just completely everything is completely different game. Like, did I talk to you guys

about that Kansas city Patriots game? No, I don't, I don't think we talked about that. But yeah, I mean like that, like that right there, like that is not football. Like that's like watching two people playing a video game with live people. Like the fact that that number 10, I was to get his name, whatever else name is on Kari kill, he's killing you the whole game. There's a minute or two minutes left. You know, they're going to him. Not only does he score, he ran across the field. He runs up the side of an untouched for like 70 yards. I get the guys fast, but no, she just, she just ran out there like it was, you know, the coach's son and there was something out there. Hey, nobody touch him on this play.

Let him go. It was like a make a wish moment where they just let him run down to kill as leukemia and juvenile diabetes. Come on. He's living out his dream and to the point about how the leagues have gotten soft. If anyone hasn't listened to Charles Oakley discuss this on the Simmons podcast, he really just calls. He's like, yeah, it's a, you know, back in my day, we just fought. He's like, when we said we were in a fight, we fought nowadays. Who knows? That doesn't mean much, you know, like it's, it's, it's, I don't know. It's well, and then, and then Tyree kill got the beer port on him by a, one of the Pats fans and that was disgrace. That was a, that was a whole big thing. And it, my buddy actually

kind of reminded me of the mallice at the palace and my buddy actually sent me, Bill has a great bit about it back in the day when it happened about how awesome it was to just see a professional athlete go up into the stands and beat the shit out of a shitty fan. It's really as, listen, we're not the wrong guy. That was the only thing that sucked was he got, you did get the wrong guy, but you know something? I liked everybody's like, oh, real classy Patriots fans that everybody forgets that the Yankees, you know, through the, uh, through a beer and a relief picture this year, when they called that home run, uh, uh, uh, fan interference or whatever, whatever the hell happened on that, uh, that play. I can't remember

the New York papers were trash in the Red Sox and they made that kid when the Yankees played Baltimore way back in the day and he reached over was a basket catch and they made that kid a local hero. Yeah. Well, Jeffrey Mayor, was that his name? Uh, and I would say this as a compliment to, to Red Sox and even Eagles fan, Philadelphia fans, there is that element of like, yeah, I grew up going to Red Sox Yankees fans and every, you know, I saw a dude like fall from the middle deck to the lower deck. Like, dude, things got thrown. Like that's part of the game. Everything's just, I mean, I know out here it's about bringing knives to the game, but there's a certain, there's a certain beauty in like the, the flying beer bottle,

a simple beer toss. I mean, and the most I might be going to game for the world series this year as a Red Sox fan and I will be dressed like a undercover cop. I will not have, I will not have any Red Sox stuff on. I just, I don't still need it. It's just out here. It's just not fun. Made that mistake. I made, I made, I made that mistake one time, wore a Don Mattingly who, you know, most people, most people, even if you hate the Yankees, you like Donnie baseball, where in my Don Mattingly jersey to the, the bleachers, the all you can eat bleachers at, at Dodger stadium, bad move, multiple, multiple food items thrown at me during the game. You're just, you're going to a place where they have unlimited ammunition.

It was fun though. My favorite thing is when you're literally getting threatened, bodily harm and cursed at and that, and it's by some dude and he's there with like, he has like three kids like under the age of eight. It's just like, what are you doing? What are you teaching these, these, these kids? You turn them into animals and it's just, it's just how it is out here. And, and it's straight across the board. Like it isn't like a, a, I guess if you sit down on the bleachers, it's, I mean, in the box seats, it's a little bit nicer, but it's just like, I don't care, like, you know, black, white, Latino. I don't care. It's just straight across the board. These people out here are just like, no, we're going to kill you. It's like, it's like, all right.

Well, that was, that was a fun first inning. I guess I'll go down and get a hot dog and sort of me under around the stadium to get away from you guys and put my hat in my back pocket. But it's such a weird dichotomy because you think of LA and you don't think of like passionate sports fans, but then, oh yeah, we'll randomly murder you over a baseball game. The weird, weird, weird, we're building a great stereotype of sports fans right now. Hey, we're, we're casual, but somebody you need to be warned. I almost got into a fight. Security had to come out, escort us out in a San Diego Chargers game. Almost got killed at a threatening to be stabbed in an angels game. And by then I learned my lesson. I'm like,

these people are like out of their minds. You know, and then, you know, some Celtics Lakers crap. I wore a, you know, a Celtics Jersey, Paul Pierce Jersey in the upper deck. Oh man. Bad move, bad move. You Irish this, you Irish that. And you chow to hell. Yeah. By the time I went to a Raiders Patriots game, I was just like, I'm just going to wear a black T-shirt and a, you know, like a, I don't know, a LL bean hat or something. Just like Ellen DeGeneres or something. I'm going to go to this game completely, completely neutral. It's a funny vision. And then Sean, and of course we, we had our first, and never in all my years of going

to East coast football games, never saw someone break a beer bottle with the intent to stab another human being. First football game we went to, it was San Francisco at the old part. Raven's Niners game was sitting in traffic trying to leave the game and bam, we almost witnessed a murder. It's just, it's, it's much more hardcore. And the game was a hilariously bad game. It was 12 to nine. There was no touchdown scored. And maybe that's what got them all worked up. And we're actually doing fans of service because the story is not told at all. It is, is the Eagles through batteries. It's, it's Santa Claus and blah, blah, blah Eagles and Philly and Philly and Boston and New York. Yeah. Yes, but no, you, you can

get killed out here. We, we got to cut a PSA. Hey, listen, LA, you think it's a casual sports town, but you can get murdered over the wrong Jersey. All right. Speaking of LA, the Los Angeles Rams, they're at home laying nine and a half points to the green Bay Packers. Hey, let's go Rams. Just ram it guys. Ram that knife into my rib cage. Cut, slice my cheese head up. I don't know a quick sidebar Sean, but I don't know if you've noticed, but some of the TV, the local coverage of the Rams, I think because they weren't so good in the beginning, they didn't change anything. And some of these guys just don't know football. It's pretty hilarious to watch this. It's like, this is nothing like a East coast like post game show.

These people don't know anything about the game. They're not even rooting for the team. Like what the fuck is this? It's a long way off, but all that being said, I'll take the Rams lay nine and a half. This team's on fire. Aaron Rogers though, this is his, the biggest underdog he's ever, or like the biggest underdog spread of his entire career. Bill, how say you, are you going to get on the pack? I would take the package with the point because Aaron Rogers, he's one of those guys, he loves to send kids home crying in the opposing stadium. He gets up for it. He plays great on the road. And I don't know. I looked up some numbers on this one. Packers defense is not bad. I don't think, you know, I don't know. I don't know. It's a tough

one. Just all of those points and Aaron Rogers, I, in his competitive ways, I would, I would, I'm going with that, you know, what am I? I'm a standup comedian. What do I know? I'm not trying to get stabbed in LA because I, I picked the Packers. I'm sorry. You like the Packers to cover, but you said the Rams will win outright to clarify. If anyone had any undoing, they just have too many weapons there. And so does the people in the crowd. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Kramer, which way are you leading? I, I mean, it's, it's an awful lot of points for one Aaron Rogers and no matter the deficiencies they might have on defense. This is, this is, even if they're down, this is backdoor city.

Aaron Rogers not going to be giving up and Sean, 75% of the money on the Los Angeles Ram, they got to lose at some point, right? Maybe this is the week hypothetically. And yeah, you got to think that Aaron Rogers is going to want a little brother, Jared golf. I mean, can you imagine Aaron Rogers? Like, I'm not losing to this bitch. I am not losing to this little bitch. Well, a golf is a wait, golf came from what school? Cal, Cal. Oh, so maybe they're buddies. Well, that's what I'm saying. I think he's, I think Aaron Rogers wants to prove he's the real Cal QB little, a little revenge game is Rogers older than McVeigh. I think he's got to be cause McVeigh is like 32. Yeah. That's crazy. That's really crazy.

All right. Last game of the slate here in New England, Patriots face heading into Buffalo. We're right now over at my bookie dad, AG, the Buffalo bills are a 14 point Monday night, home dog journeyman, Derek Anderson starting again. I love that phrase. I also love that they would say he signed off the street as if he was just wandering around. He's starting a quarterback for the bills. Sean McCoy looks like he could be out bill. Do, uh, do the Pats role here or do you, you think it's close enough that the bills are worth taking a shot with the points? I hate 14 points with the division rivalry and you're on the road. And also the bills are so schizophrenic this year. This is, this is one of these, this is one

of these trap games where you're like, all right, the bills suck, right? They all they want 27, nothing against the Vikings. And the next week they get killed. I mean, or they were up 27, nothing against the Vikings. I, uh, I'm going to say, um, I'm going to, I would, I would take the bills and the points simply watching last week when we played the damn bears and we had them, we should have put them away, should have driven down the damn field and kick the field, go up and up by, by, by three scores. And instead we end up, you know, we came within a half a yard of going into overtime. That was a crazy Hail Mary to get to the one yard line. Oh man. That was, oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that whole thing

like you stick, you stick a wide receiver down there. He's not going to try to knock it down. He's going to try to catch it. That guy that wasn't Gordon, the guy we got from Cleveland, like he did not even try to do, but he, he was, he was, uh, he was out of his element. They might want to run that play with him a couple of times. So I think the Patriots are going to win, but I don't, I don't numbers too big there. I will say in the end, they go into the prevent and it screws over the gamblers who, uh, who take the pages with 14 Kramer, not to mention Sean night. First of all, 97% of the money coming in on the Patriots. It's early, but it will be Monday night. This bill's, this bill's fan base will have nothing.

This is the, this is the super bowl, right? They'll be breaking tables. We'll be out there breaking tables with them. I mean, there's, there's, there's no doubt of that and Buffalo strength is their past defense. So I could see the way they play the way McDermott sits in kind of that soft coverage that while Brady might pick them apart, the receivers are going to take hits. Sean, it's, it's a low of 38 that night. So yeah, of course you're taking 14, right? Even with Derek Anderson, what could go wrong here? What could go wrong? There's no way 37 to five. Certainly there's blowout potential here, but I like the bill. By the way, my wife is mocking me right now. Talking sports on the radio, talking sports ball

bill talking sports while watching sports. Hey, it's the, it's the life of a sports fan, right? Yeah. Last point, Sean. Yes. Because I'm also on the bills. Guess who the Patriots have on deck? The Packers coming to town. Oh, look at game. Perhaps they look at headspot. I don't know. Packers aren't that good. Kind of a stretch, but Pat's are pretty disciplined. Hey, you got to tell 14, 14 point Monday night home dog. This is, this is their Super Bowl. They're going to, they're going to be fucking going crazy in Buffalo. So I, I think you got to take the big number there. Okay, Bill. That's a great, that's a great point. Yeah. That's a great point. I like that. By the way, I went to a Buffalo bills game and I had a Patriots

hat on. They were playing the jets. I was rooting for the bills and I made the mistake of going into the mental. Oh God. I just started getting all this crap and they waited till I started to take a leak and somebody pushed me from behind. That's dirty. That's a low blow. Yeah. Yeah. But they don't try to kill you. They just, they just, yeah, they're more like, you know, just like, I don't know, they just want you to bathe, bathe in your own urine. They're a classy fan base. That cheap shot artists there in Buffalo. By the end of the year, I want to label all sports fans. So we're animals on the east coast. They're killers on the west coast and they're cheap shot artists in Buffalo.

All right. How many more markets do we have left? Watch out for Bill's mafia. We got to go through and insult each market. The Midwest is coming. That's all. Yeah. Oh yeah. I should have that. I should have that. And then I don't know what they try to bang your wife or something into the cheese or something. Yeah. We'll figure something out. Some tainted beef. All right, Bill, as always, appreciate you calling in. And as always, big thanks to my bookie daddy G promo code bill bets for a hundred percent deposit bonus. Use that promo code bill bets in game, wagering props, live betting. They got it all over at my bookie daddy G and make sure you check

out bill Burr and the all things comedy festival heading to, heading to Phoenix this weekend, October 25th to 28th. I know we got a lot of Phoenix listeners. So if you haven't gotten tickets already, make sure you go check out the ATC crew over there. All right, Bill, appreciate calling in man. All right guys. Thanks for having me. I'll talk to you. So yeah, bring me my shotgun. Yeah, man, you know, pocket full of shit. Yeah, it was fucking raining on this one thing I've learned that when you go to a football game and you're dealing with the elements,

this is the more of a douchebag you look like the warmer you're going to be. All right, I saw the rain and I said, fuck this. And we went right to Dick's Sporting Good. And I'm like, I'm buying that fucking, I'm going to buy a raincoat with the matching raincoat slacks. I don't give a fuck. I bought a pair of wool socks and I was good to go. So I'm with Verzi and you know, they only had like two raincoats left and they were the exact same color, this fucking grape slush puppy purple. So we both have matching extra large fucking jackets and the pants, like we're working at a fucking airport and we're bringing in the fucking soul plane, right? That was a purple airplane, right? That's what we look like. So we show up to the game, right?

Neither one of us is comfortable because neither one of us is a Jets or a Bill's fan. So we're in enemy territory and it's fucking drizzling it out. It's fucking cold. So I proceed to put on this Barney the dinosaur outfit, right? And right off the bat, Verzi starts pumping out going, man, I'm just going to, I'm just going to wear the, I'm just going to wear the top. I'm just going to wear the top trying to act like it's not raining out that bad. The reality is, is he didn't want to go through the hazing that he would have to if the two of us walked in with our purple on purple fucking raincoats times two. We would have got a ton of shit and I was prepared to take it. I had him, I had a whole fucking silly walk I was going to be doing. I had, I don't give a fuck.

So he punked out. So we ended up walking in, but my head's cold, right? All I have is a baseball cap on. So I'm like, fuck, I got to buy a hat. Can I buy a Bill's who gives a fuck there in last place? Maybe I'll buy a Bill's hat. And then I saw this, this one with a Patriot logo on it. I said, fuck it. I'll get that one. So I put that one on. I'm nice and warm. We go to will call. We pick up our tickets. We go into that high school football stadium that they have out there that I actually love. Looks like an old school football stadium. You know what I like about that's football stadium? That's about the size of a football stadium that holds real fans. You know what I mean? All these, these new ones that hold like a hundred thousand

fucking pets, all the bandwagon shitheads, you know, when you're all in for the real fucking fans show up or all in three, right? So we walk into the goddamn stadium with love and life, right? I'm already laughing at Verzi because I know damn well what's going to happen. He's going to walk out there. There's going to be some shitty little plastic seat that's going to be covered in fucking water. And the only way he's going to be able to absorb it is through his goddamn jeans and his fucking BBDs. And then he's going to be sitting there with a wrinkled up nutsack that's going to be getting hypothermia by second quarter. Why do I know this? Because I've been there. So we get a couple of beers. We get this fucking beef on a stick or whatever the fuck they call it.

We're good to go. We go in there, sit down. He sits basically down in a fucking puddle. He tried to stick a newspaper down, which is very absorbent. And I don't know. We sat there and I had hope for about eight seconds in that game. And the Jets came down and just fucking, they just kicked the shit out of him. Christ, they kicked the shit out of him. And it was just over. So immediately our solution is just to start drinking the way we drank at the Masters. We're like, fuck it. Let's get going here, right? So we'll make a trip after trip. And all of a sudden I got to take a piss, right? So I go and I'm standing in line. And all of a sudden this fucking six foot five goofy looking jackass, one of those guys who's like six foot five,

but you still think he can take him because he's just covered in baby fat, you know, he's got a couple of whiskers on his chin and his cheeks are rosier than Saint Nick, right? He's got this jersey on and this big, stupid, I'm a Buffalo Bills fan with the horns on it and stuff, you know, he's the wacky guy. So I'm not even thinking shit, right? This is Bill's Jets. I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm not talking any shit. I'm fine. I forgot I was wearing my Patriots hat. And all of a sudden this big goofy jackass starts going, what's with your Patriots fan? You like the rats? We got a rat over here, the rats. He likes the fucking rats and the shit, right? And I'm like, yeah, you know, whatever he starts giving me shit, I start giving him shit

back. Then the weirdest fucking thing happened. By the time I get in to the actual men's room, I've talked, I've given these people so much fucking shit that actually there's Bills and Jets fans at a Bills and Jets game. They're playing each other. They stopped giving each other shit and they teamed up together and started giving me shit, right? And then I just said, I don't know what I was thinking. I felt like I was on stage because it was like a crowd. I wasn't thinking like, Hey, you know what, Bill, you really haven't had a fight outside of your family since maybe playing fucking street hockey in the sixth grade. I didn't give a fuck. I'm in a goddamn bathroom, waiting to take a piss in a goddamn trough, by the way. And then they just started giving me a

fucking, this one dude starts going, Tom Brady sucks dick, he sucks dick. And he's like miming it, like ridiculously well. So I'm like, Hey, you know, buddy, you do that real well. He goes, I learned it by watching Tom Brady. I'm like, Oh yeah, did you rent that porno? You fucking fag gets a little uglier, gets a little uglier than this other dude. What the fuck did I came up with the hell he was saying to me and I just said, look, I'm sorry you guys have never won a Super Bowl. You know, then the Jets fan pipes in, I go, do you realize the last time you guys won a Super Bowl, Charlie Chaplin was still alive? Do you understand that? Do you know what cars look like the last time you won your fucking morons? And then, uh, then this other guy goes,

dude, we've won three Super Bowls. I'm sorry, right? And then the guy goes, well, you didn't play in the games. I go, neither did you. Then he's just standing with his dumb look on his face. I go, that's right. Keep staring forward. You got nothing forgetting that I don't know how to fight. So all of a sudden it's my turn to piss. I take my dick out. I'm ready to piss. And one of these fucking pussies pushed me in the back, hoping that I was pissing at the time. Fortunately, I wasn't. So I turn around. I put my dick away because I'm a gentleman. I said, I go, is that how you guys do it out here? Really? I go, which one of you guys pushed me? Like I'm gonna fuck, like I'm fucking Jackie Chan. And for some reason, none of them said anything. I don't know if it was

my purple on purple raincoat or the look of fire in my eye, but I'm a fucking 42 year old balding redhead talking shit in there. And none of them said anything. So now it's kind of funny to me. I felt like I was in like the world series of poker and I went all in and I didn't have a hand whatsoever. So I don't know who the fuck pushed me, but that's what I mean. Come on, bitchiest move of the fucking week. How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you, how do you push another man when he's got his goddamn dick out trying to piss into a fucking trough? I mean, how do you get lower than that? Do you guys have any ideas? How do you get lower than that? So then after none of them said anything, I go back and I start taking a piss. And then that other dude who was miming

somebody sucking a dick unbelievably well, right? He's next to me with one of those stupid hats that has the toggles on the side. And he's still trying to give me shit. And I'm gonna go fuck yourself. And then he just starts screaming over and over again. Are you looking at my dick? Are you looking at my dick maniacally, like five times? I just sort of stared at him like, why do you keep going this gay angle? Like, why is there always, I don't know. I think he was one of those guys, he was kind of in the closet. And then so he just goes to football games. And he gets really drunk trying to just kill the families. I think he liked me. That's what I'm saying. So if he's listening to this, I'm sorry, I'm spoken for. You fucking pans, you fucking believe that?

First of all, what's wrong with me? I really replayed all of that in my head. Because once I got out of there, I was like, I really started thinking like, what did you think you were going to do in there? They're not Clint Eastwood, yet saying things Clint Eastwood would say? What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you like, I don't know if I've said this before in a podcast, a public bathroom is the worst fucking place to ever get into a fight. There is nothing soft. There's everything is porcelain pipes, that concrete floor, and then it has a mist of piss and shit. It's just the fuck it is the worst. It's the worst place ever. You know, not to mention, it usually starts evidently when one person has begun the pissing process.

So, you know, older, a little bit wiser. So then I'm standing in line to go get some more alcohol, because God knows that's what you need after an incident like that. And I was just kind of just sitting there thinking like, all right, now, how should I have played that? It should have ended when the dude with the water buffalo hat started giving me shit. What I should have done was roll with it. I should, you like the Patriots? I should have been like, yeah, you know, you guys scored 30 on us last week, man. You guys look great, man. I bet the Jets, I mean, I bet against the Jets. I hope you guys should have just ended it with that. Ended it. I should have, I should have extended an olive branch. That's what I should have done.

In the future, that's what the fuck I'm going to do. Because that was a, that was a potentially ugly situation. But fortunately, I think the people who were doing it, you know, had jobs and no one wanted to get sued. And no one was willing to take it to that level. And when I say, fortunately, I mean for me and my face. Oh, do you know how bad that would have been to get stomped in that fucking purple on purple raincoat? Laying there with my dirty fucking Patriots hat. And my team wasn't even playing. I would have lost the lawsuit. They would have been like, let me get this straight. You're a Patriots fan. You were a Patriots hat to a Bill's Jets game, and you somehow managed to get the shit kicked out of you. What the fuck did you say? You know,

that's one of the great things about being a guy is you actually have to take responsibility for your, for your actions. See a woman would be like, there's no excuse. There's no reason. I don't care what happened. You don't hit a girl, which is true. You don't hit a fucking girl, but there's no learning in that. There's no lesson. You know, even my best friends would have been like, yeah, those guys are fucking assholes. And the button, you know, there would have been an awkward pause and we're being like, dude, what the fuck are you talking shit for by yourself at a game when your team isn't even fucking playing? What's wrong with you? You're 42 years old. Get your shit together. And they would have been right.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 25th, 2010. How you doing, dude? What's going on? I just got back from a awesome tour. A quick three, four day tour, three nights of wonderful theaters. I feel like a big shot. I worked at Wilbur Theater in Boston on Wednesday doing a fundraiser. And then I did the Pantages Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota, one of the most underrated cities I've ever been to. Minneapolis was the shit and I was bummed that I was only there for a day. And then I went to Chicago and played the Vic Theater, which evidently Dennis Miller did one of his recent specials at, you know, I love the toad, babe. I love the toad. Fucking quick quake with the fucking cuckoo chute,

babe. You know, one of my favorites all time. So I got to stand on the same stage. I guess they did some HBO half hours there. I heard a talk that Bill Hicks had possibly performed there. So it was a, it was an amazing night. Tour, I should say. And of course I had the wonderful uh, teen idol sensation from the Opian Anthony program, Joe DeRosa opening for me the entire time. And believe it or not, I hung out with Joe DeRosa and did not have a drop of alcohol. All right. Now I know a lot of you are familiar with Joe DeRosa. For those of you who aren't, Joe is, um, how do I put this? Joe is a drunk, um, in every sense of the word. He literally, you know, the amount of times he can't find his keys and passes out in some sort of fetal position on

the stoop of his building is just, it's, it's really just something I'm starting to get nervous about, you know, and I'm sort of codependent. So when he starts coming around with his fucking half Egyptian WC fields, red fucking nose, the booze usually starts flowing, but I don't know what happened. I got back into the zone. I got back into the fucking zone of not boozing. I had, uh, I had two Heinekens. And I know a lot of you beer drinkers will be like, well, that, that'll do it. Dude, it's too fucking bitter, too hoppy. Um, I had a couple of Heinekens, uh, I don't know, we could go last Saturday night. I was like, you know what, I think I'm fucking sick of this. Yeah, you know, I think my head is about big enough. I think it's, it's, I think it's pretty

much, I can't even say water logged alcohol log. Yeah. You know, that's why I really figured out why I don't like boozing is because drinking a ton of beer is the male equivalent to when females bitch about retaining water and they just feel fucking bloated. I mean, be honest with yourself. It might not happen the day of the tailgate, but a couple of days after the wings and those fucking goddamn 16 ounce beers you were drinking, you just wake up in the morning, stumble in to go brush your teeth and you're like, you just look at that fucking, my head is the size of like a fucking industrial like cookie jar if they made one. I was sick of it. I haven't boozed in like seven days and I'm noticing, uh, or eight days or nine days. I'm up to nine days here. It's kind of,

it's starting to fucking shrink a little bit and I already had a fucking big goddamn head. So the last thing I needed to do was to be adding chins to it. You know, it's not even when you see a guy who was always sort of jolly will say rather than, I'm in a good mood this week. I'm not going to say he's a fat fuck. We'll just say a jolly guy, right? Um, you know, his whole life husky, you know, healthy. Well, that dude, you know, you say him a five, 10 years later and his head's even bigger. Yeah, you expect it. But for me, it's, it's when you see the, the beanpole guys, there's a couple of celebrities out there. I don't name names on the podcast, but there's just one in particular who back in the day, it looked like you could pick them up with two fingers

and just walk them over to a table, you know, and, uh, I saw him the other day and it's just like, dude, you know, it really is, I think it's cause it has to do with not being married, believe it or not. Ah, that's bullshit. Cause what if you're married to the wrong person, then you can be depressed, you'll be eating. I don't fucking know. All I know is I've, I've, I've figured something out here as far as where, if I'm going to continue boozing, I'm going to be doing it. And it's definitely in the hotel lobby of wherever I'm staying at, because that is a much more mature place for some of my, someone of my age to be at. If you like make and you travel a lot and just, you keep trying to visit your old haunts places,

you know, that you'd go to when you were in your twenties, possibly your early thirties. Yeah. You just can't do it after a while. You know, you walk in and, you know, you just look like the date rape drug guy. I mean, why else, if you're not the club owner, how else do you honestly think something's going to happen in there? Right? So what you want to do is you go to the hotel lobby and there what you will find is, uh, unhappily married people and some call girls, you know, I sat there stone sober with Joda Rosa. We actually hung out one night and did not drink the night of the, uh, the show at the Vic theater, which was fucking unbelievable by the way. Um, place was sold out and I cannot thank the people, the good people

of Chicago enough. That's a great fucking city. That is a great goddamn city. You know, fuckers know how to eat. They know how to drink. They know how to grow a mustache and they want a Stanley cup. They were in a great fucking mood and I went up there and had an awesome set. But anyways, so we hung out at this, this, um, yeah, hung out at the hotel lounge and we were just laughing about how pathetic our friendship is when you remove alcohol. We sat there like, this is a fucking dude I've known for seven years and the fact that we weren't drinking and breaking balls at that hour of the night, it was like an awkward first date. Just sitting there other than just making fun of how we had absolutely nothing to talk about.

And that's when we just started looking around, looking at the people look like that movie up in the air someplace that Clooney's character would hang out and we're just sitting there laughing, trying to guess the jobs that people are doing, you know, and then all of a sudden these two fucking knockouts out of nowhere come walking by and, you know, so I do what you always do, you fucking look at them and you're looking them right in the eye and this is what gave them away, they didn't look away. And I was like, Oh, they're professionals. Wow, this is a whole, this is a whole new environment. And I got to admit, I liked it. The music wasn't loud. It was totally geared for a 42 year old loser like myself. And I really enjoyed myself. I didn't

had a water and I ate a quesadilla. And I don't know, I had a great fucking time. So I'm gonna see how long I can go. I'm really gonna, I'm gonna try to go until the Rose Bowl. Because you know, you know, my rule, I got to start the year off right by just making a complete ass of myself at the granddaddy of them all. So and if I make it that far, that'll be 76 days sober. So I'll break my old record by one day. And I won't, I won't put it so fucking far out of reach that when I start drinking again, I won't feel like I can't get back to, you know, maybe 77 days. All right, was that boring? Good. This is the new sober me. I got no stories from the road. Oh, let's talk about Minneapolis. Why Minneapolis was the shit? I actually, I got in a day early. And God damn it,

I don't have my phone on me. I did a great radio show. I forget the name of it, of course, because I was half asleep. Phenomenal fucking interview. And I'm actually going to start listening to the show online. We'll have this information on the MM podcast. I just kind of woke up and did this podcast. So I don't have my fucking phone with me. And then I actually I took a tour. This is how much of a sports goddamn nerd I am. I took a tour of the twins new baseball stadium, the target, target field, the target fucking owns Minneapolis. All right, the way JP Morgan owned Manhattan back in the day when he used to walk around with his top hat in his shoes with those fucking white things around the ankles to let people know that you're fucking rich. Target owns that goddamn city.

But if you're in Minneapolis, you need to kill a couple of fucking hours before a flight. I suggest taking a tour of target field before they close it down for the winner. It was awesome. It was a fucking great ballpark. I definitely want to come back to Minneapolis. And it's another one. They had good food. They had all this whole strip of restaurants. And then where I played the Pantages, they had a whole strip of theaters. They had a little scene going on, great bars, you know, that I stood in not drinking, having drunk people from the show coming up to me, you know, talking to me realizing that this is what you look like, Bill is a little life lesson. But I do I do have to criticize Minneapolis about one thing. I walked by one of their their bus

stops. And I guess it was a major bus stop because there was 40 people there, 40 of the brokest looking fucking people I've ever seen in my life. Okay, white, black, Asian, I don't give a fuck. What race? There was no connection to make like how this level of brokeness happened. I walked by I was actually nervous. I was like someone's going to slug me in the head and try to take my fucking wallet because if I looked the way these fucking people looked, I would do the exact same thing. I saw a meth couple. I don't know what they were. He's dirty looking people. The girl looked like, I don't know, she was high on something and they had a baby. She had a baby man, she had a fucking baby sitting there right by the the bus stop. It was just

you ever you ever just want to rescue a baby? Not like abduct them, you know, you just rescue them like you would a goddamn dog. I'm one of those Sarah McLaughlin commercials. Why don't they have a commercial? Why can't you do that? If you see a meth couple, drugged out couple, you know, and they're sitting down on the fucking sidewalk like they're laying on a bed with fresh linens with a fucking baby. You know, I wonder what they would charge you with abduction, but how much any lawyers listen to this shit? How much time would you get if you just like, look, the fucking baby was being neglected, so I took it. You couldn't get away with that shit. You really couldn't. They'd be like, well, why don't you call the proper services?

Because I don't know what that would involve looking shit up and trying to find a number. I went with the immediacy of just fucking taking it. All right, I believe I've meandered enough. Here's here's a couple of comments from past white, white, past a podcast. This one's called the white man. What I call it. Oh, someone said, hey, Bill, a behind in podcast. So you may have already gotten emails about this. But Christopher Columbus was actually a redhead. I was making fun of Christopher Columbus a few weeks ago on Columbus Day. And this guy saying Christopher. Oh, I remember I said, I was saying how Christopher Columbus actually, he had blonde hair in my history books. So this guy's saying he was actually a redhead.

I think throughout history, anyone who decided to walk, sail, fly, swim toward, toward inevitable doom at the end of the world was inevitably a psychotic ginger. That would have been good. Can I give you some tips on joke writing? Don't use the same word in the setup and in the punch. You said it inevitable twice. And of course, I'm reading it. So that really kills it. This goes back to my theory of when they talk about new information throughout history. When exactly did they suddenly discover that he was a redhead? Did you find some 600 year old whore who you actually used to bang them? And she was just, yeah, he actually had red hair. Carpets match the drapes.

That's like, that's like the fucking these black dudes who were standing on the corner of Minneapolis. You know those guys who scream about religion? Do they ever have like the levels of their PA adjusted correctly? They're always talking way too loud. And the so-called white man be walking down the street. He be trying to talk about some shit, right? The so-called white man, the devil. They have a motherfucker tail hanging on his goddamn ass. The so-called white man. And you know what's funny is half the white people who walk by, they probably think that making that face like disapproving of the message rather than the level of, it's just, dude, get a new fucking PA. Get a fucking goddamn, whatever the fuck you call the person who knows

how to run the board. Make it a clean sound. Okay, instead of being like, and the white man trying to say Jesus is white, Jesus is actually a black man. Jesus came from Egypt with the black, the pyramids that the black man invented. He built that shit. The shit's an ethical one. Fuck, he's saying it's ejection. Excuse me, sir. Not trying to interrupt your hate. I just, it's really difficult to understand what it is I'm supposed to be offended by when I can't understand what it is you're saying. Joe DeRosa actually said to the guy, Jesus was white and one of his Terminator X guys actually laughed and then another guy stared at him and then he went right back to the fuck white people face. Once again, another classic example, why I stay

away from organized religion, because it leads you to that. You know, Jesus loves everybody, but he's our color and he loves us best. But he loves everyone. So what? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I'm sure that bothered a lot of your ears. I apologize for that. But that's literally what the fuck it sounded like. I would like to do that on a street corner. I have a really bad PA like that and just be saying a bunch of fucking reverse racist shit about white people. I wonder if anybody would get it. The amount of people who wouldn't, that was what would make it really hilarious. Yeah, but he's white. I don't understand. Alright, here's a quick question that I got this week on Peyton Manning. Bill, I am a college student in New York City and I love the podcast

and your comedy. I am a Die Hard Giants fan and the kid down the hall is from Indiana and is a Colts fan. For some reason he feels the Giants were lucky to beat the 18 and 0 Patriots and that they flat out suck. But Peyton was not lucky to win against the Rex Grossman led. Here's your fucking Super Bowl Colts Chicago Bears. I need you to go on another rant to explain these two Super Bowls and which one was more legitimate. Alright, first of all, you're playing into his hand. Alright, he's just deliberately saying shit that's going to piss you off and you're taking the bait. Alright, the Giants weren't lucky. The Giants are actually, the 2007 Giants are arguably the most underrated Super Bowl team of all fucking time because everyone was so fixated that the Patriots

lost. That was the story. Rather than the Giants had one of the most undeniable championships of all time. They were on the road the whole time. They went down to Tampa Bay. They beat Tampa in Tampa. Then they went to Dallas beat the Cowboys in Dallas. Then they went to Green Bay and beat Green Bay in fucking Green Bay. Then they went to the Super Bowl and for some reason were 17 point underdogs to a team that they scored like 35 points on a month earlier. Still kicking myself in the ass that I didn't take that bet. They just blasted the Patriots right in the mouth, kicked their fucking ass. They didn't really kick their ass because of the score. But as far as when it really came down to just the offensive line just crushed our offensive line. I don't

think they're underrated at all. I actually don't feel that the 2007 Giants get the respect that they deserve. It's a fucking shame that the Patriots hadn't lost just one game. Maybe they could have focused on that. My theory is if the Patriots actually just lost the game during the regular season, maybe they could have actually had a weekend to themselves and not had a bunch of cameras up their asses. Anyways, so I totally disagree with that. But I think this guy's just trying to piss you off. And as far as the Colts playing the Bears, I mean it's not their fault that the Bears, that all these other NFC teams couldn't beat fucking Rex Grossman. If I remember correctly, Rex Grossman, anything beyond 12 yards was a Hail Mary. Am I crazy thinking that shit?

Am I crazy? The so-called white man be throwing up these motherfucking, these motherfucking lunatic pops and shit. Can't have a black quarterback. What the fuck is with that so-called white man? Anyways, yeah, so all he's trying to do is just, he's just trying to piss you off. And you're allowing that to happen. And, you know, I'm amazed that you are allowing that to happen because, you know, say what you want about Rex Grossman. He didn't throw a pick six to lose the fucking game. He just kind of threw a bunch of shitty passes for four quarters. Alright, speaking of which, I want to talk to San Diego Charger fans this week. And I want to know what the fuck you guys did to the football gods. Okay, now this is a group of people that

evidently were rivals with, something that I wasn't aware of, because we usually beat them, you know, which always amazed me why Yankee fans, you know, back in the day hated Red Sox fans. It's just like, why would you even bother, why would, did you even notice? I mean, what's the difference between us and the fucking, you know, the goddamn twins at this point? We always lose to you, you know, back in the day. But anyways, like the amount of fucking times that the Chargers have beaten the fucking Patriots and still lost the game is just, it's just, it's fucking beyond me. Do you remember that one year in the, I believe it was the playoffs, playoffs, they like stopped us. We were down, I don't know

how many points we were down, but we were down. It was the end of the game and they stopped us on fourth and short fucking games over. All they got to do is take a knee and run out the clock, but some fucking idiot on their defense gets like a personal foul on the play, completely unnecessary, which gives the Patriots a first down and allows them to continue their drive to then go ahead and, and steal the fucking game. Now yesterday wasn't the same scenario. That was a case of the Patriots blowing the fucking game, but it's like you're right there to tie it. And you know, if you tied it, you were going to beat us. You got a 45 yarder, which is totally makeable by this guy. And then someone on your offensive line

has a fucking false start. Five yard penalty. Now it's a fucking 50 yarder. I got to be honest with you. I thought, I thought that that guy was going to miss the 45 yarder. He just didn't have that, I'm going to nail this look on his face. But then I thought once that guy got the five yard penalty and became a 50 yard kick, the fact that if he missed it, it was people were going to be blaming the fucking cunt on the offensive line. I figured maybe that took the pressure off it. And he was going to hit it. And lo and behold, the guy kicks it plenty of fucking leg. And you know, and just typical of the torture of that these, I feel San Diego charger fans do not deserve at this point. They have paid their fucking dues. He didn't even have the decency

to just kick it fucking wide right. And you knew the second was off his foot. You could be like, what the fuck, right? It's the whole way you will, you couldn't tell either way. Is it going to, is it going to be good? Is he going to miss it? It actually hit the upright. And does it bounce in somehow miraculously and they tie it up? No, it just fucking falls to the ground. Kick is no good. And San Diego fans, I want to know, what do you think you did? Because I remember back in the day when the Red Sox would blow it and they had the curse of the babe, you know, at least we had something to try to blame it on. What did you guys do out there? Was it because, uh, was there a group of Indians there having a good time?

And then fucking Mr. San Diego came in and fucking raped and killed all of them, then named that area after himself. Is that what happened? What happened out there? Oh, by the way, this, in this, this week's, um, or this month, I don't even know if Rolling Stones monthly or weekly, um, addition, they have that dead dude from entourage who plays the manager on, I'm sorry, was in sports illustrated. And they asked him how he felt when the Red Sox came back in 2004 and beat the Yankees and he's a big time Yankee fan. And he goes, I was happy. I was happy that they finally won it because I was so sick of them, listened to them complain. How fucking hilarious is that? Really? Were you really happy? Oh, I was glad you guys won.

Really? Were you sick of rubbing our noses? You fucking lion piece of shit. You were sitting that shit in 1918 with all of them. Jesus Christ. That's like fucking Regis Philburn after we, after we won it. He was like, yeah, you won it. You want it. All right. Whatever. Enough already. You know, move on. Fucking faggot Yankee fans. They're such pussies. All they can do is talk shit for fucking all this time. And then the second it comes around for them to talk and shit, they got to act like, oh yeah, yeah, I'm happy for you guys. Yeah, I'm happy. Stand there and take it, you fucking midget. Whatever the fuck your goddamn name is, manager on entourage. You weren't happy. You were fucking pissed. You had your head between your little fucking midget

knobby knees. Oh, I was happy. They happy you guys won. When the Yankees win, I'm never happy. I have the balls to fucking admit that. All right, they have fucking little man with a better career than me. All right then, let's plow ahead. It's amazing that we still won and his comments still pissed me off. I wanted misery. I wanted misery out of those guys. Oh, speaking of which, I don't even know what's going on in baseball. I know the Rangers won. Congratulations. All right, which once again makes me wonder what the fuck the people of San Diego did. Because here it is, the people of Dallas are just, you know, now I'm ready to blow my fucking head off. That goddamn Tony Romo can't fucking complete the

fucking play column. You know, they're going nuts down there. All right. Here it is, baseball, sport they don't even give a shit about. Actually, wait a minute, the Longhorns are always in fucking the college world series, aren't they? But that's way down there in fucking Austin. But whatever. It's like the Cowboys are shit in the goddamn bed. And then all of a sudden, the Rangers come on, gives them something to fucking cheer about. So I don't know, I actually like the Phillies and I like the Giants. And I guess just because the Giants haven't won it in so long, I'd love to see the Rangers versus the Giants. And I think I'll actually watch the goddamn World Series. I actually, when the Rangers started kicking the

shit out of the Yankees, I started, you know, peeking into bars and watching it. Because I was amazed that a $55 million team could have such a great lineup. And what sucks about baseball is half those guys will end up on the Red Sox or the fucking Yankees, which really has to stop. Or am I completely full or am I completely full of shit? Because despite the fact that the fucking Red Sox spent all that goddamn money, did they make the playoffs? No, they did not. Then could the Yankees beat a $55 million team? No, they couldn't. And plus, I'm also finally starting to read all this shit about these other fucking cheap bastard owners like the goddamn guys with the pirates who just make a profit every year and don't even try to put

a winner on the field. I think the whole goddamn sport needs to be rehauled. That's what the fuck I say. Rehauled or overhauled? You know, I was watching the, this is just a completely random podcast. I was watching the Jersey Shore last night, the final episode. And I just love how they fuck up sayings. Snooki said she was upset about something and said that her blood pressure was off the roof. My blood pressure is off the roof, not going through the roof, not off the charts. It was off the roof. God bless that big titted fucking, you know, she's going to be a great mother. I don't know what it is about her. She's going to be a great mother, but I don't know if she's ever going to get married because so much footage exists of, I don't even know if a lot

of footage exists because I didn't really watch it this year, this season. But you know, once you do like a fucking, whatever that backwards cartwheel that you did and they have to pixelate your pussy lips hanging out of your fucking thong, I mean that you're really limiting the amount of people that are going to want to go out on a date with you. Something that she continues to bitch about. You know, her tits take up her entire torso. If you notice that they start right under her Adam's apple and they go right to the top of where her pubes grow, which is another thing that's working against her, but you got to admit, she's got a lot of talent, her ability to do that backflip and not like, what are those fucking things? One of those weevils wobble, but they

don't fall down at some point. Like that should be like impossible for her to do. Oh Jesus Christ, what am I talking about this week? Yeah, so the fucking Patriots won. I think we're one of the weakest five and one goddamn teams out there, but we're five and one tied with the goddamn jets. What do you think about that? You green bald fucking cunts. Anyways, oh, this week, by the way, let me hype some of the shit I got going on. I'm going to be going to St. Louis this weekend. I'm doing a benefit on Friday night and on Saturday night, I'm doing two shows one night only at the funny bone of St. Louis. I haven't been here. I haven't been there and put it this way. The last time I went there was the first year of New Bush Stadium, I believe.

Yeah, whenever the fuck that was, it's been a good five, six years, I want to say. I know, it's been a long goddamn time. So please come out to that show. I will have my new DVDs for sale, and I can't stress how much you're going to be happy if you buy that goddamn thing because Comedy Central, because they actually make their money through advertising, had not their fault, had to cut out 16 minutes of that special plus an extra five minutes because the special is an hour and five minutes long. So with the 16 minutes of commercials plus the extra five minutes, 21 minutes of that special you have not seen. And the overwhelming response I've gotten from people was like, holy shit, I can't believe they cut out all this stuff. I mean,

I get why they did it. I wish they showed it over 90 minutes and you could see the whole special, but you won't be disappointed. And I have extras actually filmed one of my Monday morning podcasts. If you're ever curious to see what I look like sitting in sweatpants, talking into a mic by myself, we got that footage and some footage of me getting heckled and giving people shit back. All right. So that is it. And I'm hanging around to go to the fucking Rams game, the Rams game, which will be my 100 and first professional franchise that I have been to trying to go to all 123. And this this week, actually, when I was on the plane, this is how I try to kill time when I'm on the plane is

I don't know. I try to I write down the teams that I haven't seen. This is really psycho. I'll do it with my right hand because I'm a lefty, right, trying to develop that skill because I feel like my brain's turning to mush talking on cell phones. And this week, I actually, and I'm going to complete this list and put it up on the M.M. podcast. I actually started to compile a list of the names of all the stadiums that I've been to. And I got to admit, it's pretty it's getting pretty fucking impressive at this point. Some of the classics that I've been to some of the ones that aren't there anymore, like Old Tiger Stadium, Old Yankee Stadium, and even like the random ones like County Stadium.

Remember that one with like the Brewers back in the day when they used to hit home runs every time they hit a home run, they had this big fucking titted whore would slide down into a slide into what was supposed to be an old school keg of beer. You know, I don't know, it's a good goddamn time. So I'll have that list up there. Seriously, if you're a sports nerd, if you don't, if you're not into it, who gives a fuck? All right, this podcast is grinding to a goddamn halt. All right, let's get to some advice here. Bill, I met a girl on a online dating site and we hit it off and we both thought each other as friends. Now, you know, usually I blame myself when I when I don't read these well, but this this one is really not written well. He misses words

and he misspells the rest of them. So just bear with me. All right, so basically this guy met this girl on an online dating site, they hit it off and they both think of each other as friends. Well, over the last nine months, we became good friends. Even after I moved eight hours, eight hours days, you mean eight hours away? Oh, you've got a job and you're working eight hour days. I have no idea. During the last three months, she lost or last 25 pounds lost 25 pounds and told me she was bipolar. And oh, oh, Jesus, Jesus Christ, dude. Okay. And over this time, she keeps calling and started treating me like a boyfriend. So obviously you're fucking her.

Okay, so you're hanging out with this girl for eight months and you're banging her. So yeah, she's going to start treating you like a boyfriend. A few weeks ago, I was invited to her family's beach house for the weekend and met her whole family. While I was there, her mother introduced me to their family and friends as the guy Jane has been dating for the last four months. I blew it off. Why would you blow that off? I guess her mother could, you know, was just trying to save her daughter's reputation. Hey, this is my daughter's friend, friend with benefits. Yeah, he's banging her, but there's really nothing going on here. Oh, these kids today. I blew it off and enjoyed the weekend. Three weeks ago,

it's, it's gotten really bad and I'm trying to distance myself. And the other night I asked her if she thought of me more than a friend and she said no and gave me the friend speech and then asked why I felt that she might have felt this way and gave me some examples about calling me. Oh, and then she gave you some examples about calling her all the time and telling a few other personal things. Well, two days later, she called me and said that she can't be friends with me anymore because every time we talk or hang out together, it gets tougher because she's always going to think that she, she's giving you, she's giving, oh, giving you the I like you more than a friend vibe. I feel really bad and that what I said might have caused her to have a major episode,

what like bipolar episode, and we talked so much, I didn't realize how much of a part of a life, my life she was, and I did have feelings for her. What do I do? All right, first things first, this is why that friends with benefit thing doesn't work for so many people because friends with benefits, if you're hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, they're going to start getting feelings for you. So the only way to do the friends with benefit things is you can only, you can only bang them. And but what you have to do is there has to be a significant period of time between you, you banging that you bang them and then you fucking leave, but inevitably something like this, someone's going to get, get some feelings and it's,

it's an impossible thing to do. It's like what you're doing is you had a one night stand and you, you are either through being selfish or just lacking the confidence of you being able to pull off, getting laid again, you try to keep, I can only speak of this from the male side, you try to keep this person in your fucking, in a holding pattern around your life and yeah, of course she's going to end up catching some feelings. You're going to end up hurting the person. You can't, I mean, if you're just friends, what the fuck are you going over meeting your parents for? You know, like that level of shit, no matter how much you've said from the get go that look, I don't want anything more than this. We just, I just view you as a friend. If you go

over and you meet her parents, like that says something. All right, so my advice is, is if you like this girl, make her your girlfriend. If you don't like her, stop fucking her because you're hurting her. You know, that's all you're doing is because she's going to, and forget about the fact that she has these, this bi bipolar disorder or whatever. Now, obviously I don't know how that fucking plays into it, but yeah, dude, you got to, you got to man up and have the balls to either make this girl your girlfriend or man up and just be alone, which is how most people, I think, fuck up their dating careers and getting married and all that is just, they have a fear of being alone and they don't want to just ride out that fucking six weeks, you know, going through the first few

days of spooning with your pillow and crying and feeling sorry for yourself and just learning how to pick yourself up off the mat. Join a gym, right? Get yourself in shape, hang out with the fellas, watch some games, you know, it's only being single really just, it sucks on days off and it sucks at night, but other than that, it's pretty fucking awesome, you know, to just kind of be able to walk into places, scope out every chick there and be like, I want to try to fuck her or maybe that's the girl I want to marry, like that's a great situation to be in and it's worth the loneliness. Come on, be honest with me, how many people out there are fucking with somebody right now, you don't want to be with and you go into these family fucking events, you know, and you just

feel the news getting tighter and tighter around your neck, I'm telling you, just get out of it and when you get out of it, go through the pain of being single, of going through the breakup, don't just go out and run back to the person, don't fucking go out and just start dating somebody else and just use that person to fill up your fucking loneliness, like really just be alone and when you, you know, I'm telling you, after fucking a couple weeks, you're gonna get through it and then you'll be comfortable being by yourself and then you can have a quiet fucking mind that isn't thinking panic thoughts and you can just kind of make a list of what the fuck you're looking for, you know, and ask for it if you don't know what to,

where to find it, ask for some goddamn advice, but the last thing you do is get involved in a situation like this where it's like, dude, if you really gave a fuck about this girl, wouldn't, wouldn't you have made her, your girl, or maybe you're afraid to make her, her, your girlfriend, I don't know what, but that's my advice, I would do one or the other, actually commit to this girl and try to make it happen, or just get away from her, all right, but I gotta admit, you're really taking on a hell of a fucking thing here where you got someone with a bipolar disorder, you know, and I hate to say it, but you have to be selfish when you're picking a mate and it says that's something you want to fucking deal with,

except something you feel you're capable of dealing with, this is the shit you have to ask yourself when you're sitting there alone, you know, eating Doritos with one hand down the front of your fucking sweatpants, all right, there you go, I think a lot of that made a little bit of sense, god damn it, somebody sent me a picture the other day, this guy had a pickup truck and on the back he had all this shit, anti-Obama, Obama, is that you say his name, Obama, and at one point he had this, this is what fascinates me about people who are straight up Democrat, a straight up Republican, it reminds me of people who are into like fucking organized religion, just like the blinders that they have on, this is the bumper sticker this guy had,

he said recession, your neighbor loses his job, depression, you lose your job, recovery, Obama loses his job, you know, and it's just like those fucking people, it's like how do you not see that they all kind of do the same thing, and they're all on their knees blowing the same fucking I mean don't just see, okay Clinton, Democrat, liberal, right, bleeding heart liberal, what does he do, the bleeding heart liberal, he's for the fucking everyday Joe, he's just gonna give it away to the broke people, what does he do, he helps deregulate the banks, all right, George Bush comes in, right, he wants to help out fucking major corporations and all that type of shit, doesn't give him one war, he gives him two wars, billion dollars a fucking month or whatever the hell

it is going into those fucking cunts pockets, god, in the combination of those two fucking moves, the deregulation of banks trying to fight two fucking wars, two away games by the way, on the other side of the fucking planet, bank erupts this goddamn country, Obama comes in, right, bleeding heart fucking liberal, what the fuck does he do, gets us out of Iraq and then escalates the shit in Afghanistan, has he taken any of these bankers to task, they stole a trillion dollars, they can't even say the way the fuck it is, or who got it, is he going after those people, no, they're not, it's the same fucking people, which is why I resent people when they tell me when I vote for Iran, Paul, or anybody else, light of that ilk, who's saying that these

bankers and these corporations are completely out of fucking control and we need to audit the Federal Reserve or maybe even close, shut the fucking thing down and they're not allowed to debate and they're just considered a crazy person and then you go out there and you basically make a decision between the two fucking guys that they're giving you to vote for, that you feel like, oh, we made these choices, you didn't, you didn't, it's all the same fucking guy, how you didn't figure that out in 2004 when your choice was two white guys who both went to Yale, who were both a member of that fucking group, the skulls or whatever, it was the same fucking guy and I love how these, the fucking Democrats somehow get off, they get away with being like,

you know, they're all like millionaires, like John Kerry was a fucking goddamn millionaire, it's somehow he's going to be the man of the people, I don't fucking know, I think at a lower level, I think you can actually affect change in political office but I think once you go past a certain level, I think when even when you get to like, if you were like a senator of your state, I don't, I just don't feel that, you know, I don't know, I think Obama said a bunch of shit that he was gonna do, got into office, saw how shit worked and right now he's trying to prevent getting shot in the fucking head, like everybody else who gets that job and you just, you just do what they want you to do, that's my, that's my fucking two cents but these fucking morons

who will come along and just sit there and blame the current president if they're, of course, if they're not a member of their party, it's just beyond me, it's just fucking beyond me, like I, I don't know, I don't know, but I'm, but like I said, I feel like I've talked about that enough on this fucking podcast, people are still coming at me, not understanding what I'm saying about these automated checkout machines at the grocery stores, once again, this guy writes me like a five page fucking email talking about pulleys and levers and inventions from back in time, like I'm against fucking progress and he's comparing all of this, like I'm sitting there going fuck airplanes, we should be back riding horses, what about all the blacksmiths who got

put out of business, I'm not talking about that, I don't want to ride a horse to a gig and fucking Philly, I don't want to do that, I love airplanes, I don't have a problem with that shit, I'm not talking about progress, I'm talking about something that, that makes me have to work for somebody for free, that's what I'm saying, all right, if they came out with those automated checkout machines and it got rid of people's fucking jobs and but, but I walked up there and it was like this thing that just, just magically could tell me what I fucking owed without me having to do the actual fucking job that the other person was just doing, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but those fucking check that they just, all they did was turn the cash register around

and now I have to do it and bag my own shit, how the fuck is that progress, somebody else was trying to tell me that it's all part of this movement of, of, it was really a spiritual thing, so that we'll have all these robots man and they'll be doing all these jobs and then life will just be all about, you know, just exploring life because you won't have to do a fucking job, it's just like, it's like dude, you're completely ignoring sociopaths, all right, which is why like when, when, as much as I lean left, I don't go all the way to the left because that's the big flaw in, in, in a psycho level of, of liberal thought is you completely ignore sociopaths, if everybody was just nice to everybody, everything would be

nice, no it wouldn't, it'd still be Charlie Manson, it'd still be those guys, that'd still be that guy who couldn't handle not fucking having more than somebody else, there couldn't, or the person who can't feel anything unless he's fucking poking the eyes of a squirrel out, so I don't know, my, my theory has always been that fucking, hasn't always been that way, just, just through the fucked up shit that I've read, God knows if it's even right, is that sociopaths basically run the fucking world, you know, they have the balls to just go out and take, and they have the, the, I don't know if it's a chemical makeup, psychological makeup, whatever it is, to feel absolutely no fucking guilt, they could give a fuck about other human beings, they could give a fuck about nature,

they could give a, they could give a fuck, they could give a fuck, so Jesus Christ, I was, I'm so, my god damn soapbox, I don't even know what the fuck I was talking about, oh getting back to that shit, so that is my, my, I don't have a problem with ATMs, okay, ATMs, I basically became my own fucking teller, but here's the big difference, is I then had access to my money 24 fucking seven, you gave me a little something, I don't have a fucking problem with that, but I walk into a grocery store, and now I'm standing behind a fucking plumber trying to scan a week's worth of goddamn groceries, it's not quicker, it's not, it's, it sucks, fuck you, okay, stop sending me fucking emails about pulleys and levers, Jesus fucking Christ, the advent of the wheel, he's

fucking 30, fucking 40 BC, kill yourselves, all right, my recorder cut out again, and it wasn't the batteries this time, the memory was full on it, or if you're of the spiritual ilk, I think it was the podcast gods telling me to stop being so fucking preachy, fuck the podcast gods, all right, I'm not working for fucking free, I'm not doing that, those goddamn automated things there when you go into a parking garage, now I got to stand in two fucking lines, I got to stand behind somebody as they try to stuff their crinkled up dollar bill in trying to pay for their parking, and then I got to drive, you know, then I drive down waiting to leave, and they don't get to just fucking leave, because they got to make sure they paid,

all you did was create an extra line, and you eliminated the fucking parking garage guy, and now I got to sit there and wait for the person to, oh, wait a fuck did I put the ticket that said I paid, twice as goddamn long, that's what I'm talking about, pulley and lever guy, that's what I'm talking about, I'm talking about inventions that do not make my life easier, they just make me work for fucking free, and the time that I spend in the store is not any shorter, and a lot of times it's a little bit fucking longer, that's what I'm talking about, sir, all right, here's a reference to last week, I brought up chipped beef on toast, somebody from the military let me know that that's actually known as shit on a shingle, another, here's another

classic white trash meal that I had, you guys ever had chicken a la king, that was like sort of chipped beef on toast without the chips of beef, another classic white trash meal that I had, most white trash meal what it involves is some sort of sludge put on bread, because all it is, what it's real, it's not about nutrition, what it's about is taking away the pain of hunger, and I mean you could literally wallpaper a room using chicken a la king as your wallpaper paste, that's how disgusting that shit was, I don't even know what it was mixed with, it was sort of this gray, not quite liquid, not quite solid, it was like a great, not like a overly thick fucking gravy, I mean it's one of those, do you remember that when you took, not to gross people out,

because this is really, you know, getting kind of gross here, when you would open the can of chicken a la king, and you would turn it over, it would sort of slide out, it would just be, before it finally just dropped down on the plate it would be like, and then there was like that sort of transparent gelatinous shit on the bottom of it, it was just fucking disgusting, yet somehow we weren't obese as kids, that's because we were outside playing, I think they're gradually doing a good thing with those video games now, if you play soccer now you actually got to sit there swinging your leg around, and running and stuff, I mean I guess I guess that's a good thing right, all right let's plow ahead Bill, actually I got a thank you

letter, which is always nice, because ever since I started talking about sports the level of fucking anger has really been ramped up on the emails, to the point that I'm taking everything in a defensive way, like somebody actually sent me a hilarious email and I didn't even get it, they said Bill, once you started talking, once you started defending Bill O'Reilly last week on the podcast, I walked away from my recorder and I'm waiting for an apology, and I was so like read like five emails in a row of getting trashed that I wrote back, well why don't you go back and listen to what I said about Bill, I didn't even get the fucking joke, the obvious joke, they got up and walked off the view, so my apology to that person, I just had written, I'd read like fucking

five in a row where I was getting trashed, so I was kind of in that mindset, so my fault, look at that comedian not getting a fucking joke, all right plowing ahead here, thanks here's actually something from thanks, yo Bill what's up my name is, I can't say your name, I'm from Little Rock, Arkansas, I'm 23 years old, sort of a new listener to the podcast, been a long time fan of yours, but just a few months ago I discovered that you have a weekly podcast, anyways it's all great anyways let's get to the point, I think it was maybe the second or third podcast of yours I had listened to, and you were like hungover I believe, but you said something pretty goddamn outstanding at least to me, at least to me it was, Jesus Christ can you guys please use capital letters

and periods, you know I can't read it out loud, and he said it was, this is the great advice you gave me, he said it was the day when you discovered what a loser really is, or it was the definition of a loser, anyways you said the definition of a loser is someone who knows what they have to do, but they always find some way to not do it, and then he goes on to say man that shit was like so true to me, because honestly I've been that guy for a while, it's weird, anyways so it was around the same time that school was about to start up for the fall semester, so of course it's that time of year when my family is looming over me, like what the fuck, when are you gonna get your life together, anyways when you said that I was like whoa, okay so fuck it, I got up and went to the

University of Arkansas in Little Rock, found out what I needed to get done to get my ass back in class, to make an already long story short, it went out, got my GED, took the goddamn ACT test, I don't even know what that is, but he said which I failed miserably apparently, so the school told me I had to take the compas test to get in, took that thing, had to go through all the turmoil of finding my six-year-old high school transcript, which had been transferred to a billion places by then, I wanted to say fuck it so bad during all of that crap, but I kept repeating that shit through my head of what the definition of a loser was, and anyways I'm halfway through my first semester as a freshman at the University of UALR, whatever that is, and I got a 98% of my midterm, and I

can honestly say if it wasn't for me listening to your podcast, I'd still be ignoring that voice in my head, oh I'm sorry, still ignoring voicemails from my bitch grandmother, Jesus dude, trying to pester me into going to school, she just wants what's best for you, so anyways I want to say thanks and all that type of shit, and don't be scared to tour the south, me and my brother are huge fucking fans, and he's about as Hank Williams as it gets, well that's good, look at that, see, other than pissing people off every once in a while, I helped somebody else, well congratulations dude, stick with that shit, wear a condom, that's the other one, respect yourself, wear a goddamn condom, uh, can keep that fucker on until you know you're with the person you want

to marry, then marry him, and be in a financial fucking position to bring somebody else into the goddamn world, have a game plan, now you're gonna marry him, have the condom on while you're having that conversation, alright, then have a fucking kid, says the guy who's never had a fucking kid, what the fuck do I know, alright, let's get to some questions and some YouTube videos, and then I'm done, here we go, question, alright, since the Monday morning podcast is rolling around, I thought it'd be interesting if you rambled about this idea, maybe the question is more, when do women deserve to enjoy sex, always, okay, let's delve into this one, recently it's their fucking sex life, they can do whatever they want with it, right, I recently went to a

mutually agreed upon dinner with a very motivated independent woman who expected me to pay for dinner, what is a mutually agreed upon dinner, somebody had to ask somebody to dinner, right, I called bullshit and refused because as I told her, I am not in the habit of paying for people's time, especially not people I know to be manipulative and who absolutely don't have sex before marriage, alright dude, right off the bat, if you don't pay for people's time, why would you go on sort of not a date but sort of a date with somebody that you know manipulates people and who doesn't have sex before marriage, is this so you could have this argument with this person, I mean, you sound like an intelligent guy, you know where the fuck this is going,

whatever, I'll read the rest of this, but this is one of these things, you gotta get out of this rut, there's not plenty of good women out there, the same way there's not plenty of good men out there, you gotta find them, but you can't keep dating the same person that's gonna keep reinforcing your thoughts or else you're gonna end up like me, which I'm not right now because I finally found someone who's awesome, but you know, half the shit that I call women on is the shit that I see on TV and residual baggage that I have from dating the same fucking psycho from year after year, ah Jesus Christ, I'm really on my soapbox, I'm gonna shut the fuck up and read the rest of this, but more importantly I said what this woman

failed to understand was how much she lowered herself in a scene by saying I need a man to pay for my meals, which is all the same time bullshit, the whole idea of the dating dynamic is really warped, what are you paying for if not sex, you're paying for, you are paying for sex, what, if you are paying for sex then I think women, the woman forfeits her rights to have fun in bed, oh I see what you're saying, because you're really just paying for a service at that point, and you know what, you are making points because there are women who will go out with a guy on a Friday night because they're kind of broke and they're hungry, you know, you can't say that shit on TV because it's considered misogynistic, but you know,

if you're really fair about it, women are just like guys, if you let them get away with it, they will, and you sound like you're smart enough so you shouldn't be in this situation, and he continues, and the whole whoever does the accent, whoever does the asking pays for the meal, bit is really getting tired, because the fact is women are pussies and they won't ask men out, yeah and there's also the other thing that a lot of guys get a little nervous if women are being really forward, and they're like Jesus Christ, she's fucking asking me out, how many cucks is this bitch sucked, oh, but why are so many women in this post-feminist world, why are so many in women in this post-feminist world, sorry guys, who have equal earning power as men,

and who even have an overt advantage in the marketplace these days, parentheses if they have a pretty face, seem to insist on demeaning themselves, dude you got a lot of issues here, man, they have an overt advantage in the market, they're still making less aren't they, at least that's what they're always fucking running their yaps about, if they're good looking, that is, you know something, that is a hell of a card to play, if you're a hot chick, how do you not get fucking hired, you know what I mean, even if you are a fucking bimbo, you can go, oh my god, I love the carpet, can I have some money to be here, swear to god I'm always going to dress hot and pretend I like ya, why do women so often refuse to step up to the plate and admit

that they want to fuck, and put in their equal share, now that they have equal rights, maybe there would be more satisfied couples in the world if women would learn to do this, dude you sound like me like 10 years ago, it sure seems to me that women are getting away with murder these days, they cling to old school ideas about paying for them to live, while making a better living than the guy they're leaching off of, and expected to be pleasured wildly in bed, how does that add up, you can see it in newer porn now, wow, dude you really, you're really connecting some fucking dots here, where do you see this in porn, he said more and more time is being spent actually pleasuring the woman, ah Jesus really, in all those fucking bukkake facial, dude I really,

out of all the examples, you're going to say that women are getting pleasured more in porn, if they are it's probably about fucking time, you know, how are they getting pleasured more, they're not getting fucking bent over on a subway platform and getting bang bang bang by fucking 12 guys, it's just one homeless dude doing it, you know, come on dude, porn is horrific, you know, occasionally, where do women win in porn, I think those strip ones, will they just do the strip tees, that one I think they win, because there's no guy in it, they just sort of turn the camera on, they're sort of in control of the whole thing, yet you also got to ask yourself why are they doing that, what the fuck happened to them as a kid that, you know, eventually made

them think that this is the way to make a living in the world, you know, like that, like this is going to lead to happiness, like you can actually do this, film yourself and actually go out and find a decent husband or a person to fucking settle down with someday, like they're going to be able to look past the fact that you were finger-blasting yourself on the goddamn internet, that really sort of limits the amount of guys that you, I don't know, I really come from the school that most of those people were fucking abused as kids, I really do, I really do, doesn't stop me from watching it, so anyways, this is what I would say to you, I know you're probably fucking mad at me because you wanted me to fucking vent your frustrations, but I'm trying to help you out here

dude, why would you, there's no fucking, you know something, that goddamn jersey, sure, right, the fucking, the nice guy, the nice guy, Vinny, oh, that dude, right, right, I saw like a moron here, he went out and he met some girl down there and the whole time I guess she was, she's been playing the guy, like she was supposed to meet him at eight, calls up at 8.15, she says she's just getting ready and then when he's, when he's out to dinner with her, she said something to the effect of like so, were you getting upset, waiting for me, did you think I wasn't gonna show up and it's like right there, right there, right there, you check please, it's over, you just fucking walk away, why would you wait, people who manipulate are, are, are honestly some of the biggest pieces of shit

on the fucking planet, there's no way you want to hit your wagon to that, even for one fucking night and all it's gonna do, male or females, it's just gonna make you hate the opposite sex more, you're, you're dating cunts, you're going on date with cunts, male or female, this, this, why would you, if you don't want to pay for somebody else's time, all right, that's because your time is valuable, why would you waste your time going out on a date with someone that you knew was manipulative, a word I can't say, manipulative, manipulative, manipulative, that kind of sound right, that's like learning a new drum rudiment, right, you know, just go full speed, you gotta go right, left, right, right, left, right, left, right, fuck, right, left, right,

right, left, right, left, left, this only makes sense to drummers, so that's my advice dude, because I could really just sit here and do what, the nine millionth fucking rant on women, or I could actually maybe try to fucking help you avoid some of the pitfalls that I, that I went through, that there's no fucking reason, the second male or female, the second you figure out that you're with someone who's a cunt, or you get that feeling that the person I'm with is a cunt, pay attention to that feeling, all right, when someone shows you who they are, believe them, go to a bed, and if they're a cunt, walk away, all right, real quick, because this podcast is really long, I only have one YouTube video of the week, this is almost like

YouTube video of the week slash daily show, Moment of Zen, go to the, the mmpodcast.com, and check this video out, it says, this is actually, I found it on break.com, and it's called, Chick makes same dumb face in every pick, it's kind of going back to that duck face, it's actually, it starts off funny, then it starts to get boring, because it's so long, and then it becomes like, I don't know, it's like astounding, the amount of pictures that this woman took with the exact same stupid fucking look on her face, all right, underrated, overrated for this week, and then I'm out, overrated, love for your fellow man, I'm tired of being made to feel guilty, because I don't care about people whose lives are not any part of mine, mostly because

no one does, mostly because no one does, and you're a hypocrite, if you say you do, we aren't designed to care about everyone, if we, if we were, then we would have survived, if you think about it, I don't know what that means, resources are, oh, he's explaining it, resources are limited, there's no shame in self-interest, take care of your own, it's a noble and honest outlook, all right, underrated, contest where you win something that isn't actually a prize, I opened my flavored water, and it said I won something, I entered the code in the site to see what I won, and hear what it is, and I quote, buy one, and I'm not going to say the name of the water because they pissed me off, buy one of these fucking waters and get one free, is that a prize,

no, I think that's a fucking coupon, you're 100% right, cannot agree with you more, sir or ma'am, whoever wrote this, overrated, see Alice, disclaimer on the commercial, do not drink alcohol in excess with see Alice, the fact that they said it means someone out there needs both boner pills and excessive amounts of alcohol in order to manifest the ability to fuck whoever they're with, might be time to try a paper bag maybe, all right, underrated, two blade razors, sir, I already mentioned this on the podcast, so God bless you for backing me up, is it so hard to perfect the design of a shaving razor, is it, every year they come up with a new design, and how shocking, they added another blade, stop this bullshit marketing nonsense, I hope no one

falls for this shit, two blades is all you need, two blades was the greatest one ever, one digged up your face, two was the greatest, and ever since they're three or more, you can't get those whiskers under your fucking nose, it's a pain in the goddamn ass, and it's not any closer, I don't give a shit, how many blades they have, you know, it's really like an unfair fight, like how many guys do you have to have, hold in the fucking whiskers arms behind his backs, and you come up and fucking start working them over, two blades is enough, one holds the whisker, the other guy takes out his fucking knees, all right, overrated, twitter, a number of people are apparently disappointed to find out that celebrities have normal lives, in that they waste time and talk about stupid

shit like everyone else, they must have thought they were riding around on the back of a griffin, hurling lightning with a magic hammer all day, underrated, sleep sex, this is where this person becomes creepy, and obviously I feel this is a dude at this point, this is the ultimate passive aggressive move to when you can't get any, just wait until they're falling asleep, not only will they not stop you, but they will, but they tend to be much less critical of your performance, remember earlier when I was talking about sociopaths running the fucking world, this guy said overrated, love for your fellow man, or whatever the fuck the initial one was, where the hell is it, over, yeah, love for your fellow man, and now he's talking about how sleep

sex, which really seems like a form of rape, sort of rape life, sort of a light sexual assault, that one's just creepy, sir, and with that, I think I'm done reading underrated, overrated at this point, I don't want to see where the next two ones go, the next two ones go, the next two go, ah who gives a fuck, anyways that's the podcast for this week, God bless all of you, please come down, I'm doing a benefit in St. Louis, support the cause, I have all the information up on my website, and if not, if you just want to see me, because that show I think I'm just doing 15, 20 minutes, but if you want to see the full on me, come to the St. Louis Funny Bone, this Saturday night, which is Saturday, October 30th, the night before Halloween, now come on down, I'm doing two shows

at the Funny Bone, 7.30 and 10 o'clock, I got my brand new hour of material, I'll have my brand new DVD, I'll have a brand new fucking shirt on, everything's gonna be brand new, come on down, all right, that's it, God bless all of you, have a great week. That woman said, lighting you can't shoot me, she said, now you is there to try, I don't take a day off for no brand, she said, lighting you can't shoot me, she said, yes, and you dare to try, I said, don't let's read, now don't shoot, you little woman,

my double bell shot gun, it just won't fire.