Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-26-17

Episode Date: October 26, 2017

Bill rambles about best supporting actors, mountain climbers and silk worms.

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I'm just checking it on you, do da, do da. I only got one more fucking day before I fucking go home. One more day in the film. I still got three more after this, but I get to go home and see my little daughter in there. Very excited about that. And by the way, I asked the director if it's okay if I tell you what movie it is, because I never know. You know, if you leak out information, he said it was cool. So the movie is called Front Runner, Front Runner.

And it stars Hugh Jackman and directed by Jason Reitman. Okay, there you go. So Old Freckles has a little part in there. Don't blink your eyes. You might miss me. But that is what I am working on out here. And every time I go down to set, I'm telling you they show me something that they shot and it looks really, really fucking cool. So I'm very excited to be in this movie here. But yes, I got one scene today, Sight. And I'm the first one out of the gate.

That's about as good as it gets, you know what I mean? Sometimes you're the first scene and the last scene, but you get to see everybody else act and everything like that. And that's cool, right? The only thing that's bad about being there the entire fucking day is for whatever reason, when you're on a movie set, you just eat like a fucking... You don't even know why you're eating. You're just sitting there going, why am I eating right now? You're just standing around and all of a sudden they bring around some fucking... Oh, Halloween's coming up. Here's some fucking Halloween cookies. They start eating like you're in the fifth grade.

Literally eating it, looking at another adult who's also eating it. And you both say at the same time, what the fuck are we doing? I've actually been pretty good on this shoot and the food's been awesome. And I did lay off the Halloween cookies and I'm doing my fucking cardio today. Being a professional, god damn it. You guys all know what a freckled booze bag I am, right? You all know how I can't lay off the booze. I've been doing it, man, 70 fucking days.

So I don't know. I think on day 73, I'll already be 20% of a year. I already have that in. I might go a year. I might go a year. I might fucking booze tonight. I don't know. Who knows? It's exciting. It's an exciting time. You think that World Series game last night was fucking riveting? That was a joke compared to watching me try to walk by a bar. I was on set last night, so I didn't get to...

It was three to one. And then we were shooting the final thing and I checked the score and I saw it was three to three. I was like, holy shit, the Astros came back. And we ended up rapping and it was like five to three Houston. So we go down there, we get out of our fucking clothes and all that shit. We had to get back into the regular clothes, head back to the hotel. Everything shut down here and me and another actor went into this bar that we saw that was open. And trying to get something to eat, I think it was like after 12 at that point,

it was kind of slim pickets around the area that we're staying at. And we walked into the bar and saw that it was five to five. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Maybe it was seven to five. It was seven to five. Yeah, the last I saw it was five to three Astros. And in the time it took me to get off that jump in the van and head back, it became seven to five Astros. And I was like, what the fuck happened? I'm missing one of the greatest World Series games, probably ever.

And so we go in there and we asked the guy behind the bar, right? You know, and the guy's like, he's like, sorry, fellas. The fucking, I can't even explain how high this guy's voice was. I don't know if he was in the middle of transitioning or whatever. I have no idea, but it was like, it was like Michael Jackson level high inexplicably. And the guy had stubble on his face. I don't get it. Right? He looked like a giant like Marionette puppet. And he's going, sorry, fellas, if you want to get in here, you got to go straight.

So fortunately, this guy with the high pitch voice told us where to go. We ended up going all the way down the street and like four or five blocks down and it was really cold for Atlanta. I thought, you know, I'm sitting with a little fucking sweatshirt. And we went down and found this bar that was still open and we get in there at seven to five. And as we walk in, the Dodgers hit a home run. I think to make it seven to six, then only down by a run is like, you got to be kidding. This is unbelievable. And unfortunately, the game ended there.

I was sitting there because I wanted the Astros to tie it up because I want more baseball. I want to see a seven game series here, but I wanted the Dodgers to tie it up because I was hoping, you know, I wasn't going to bed. I was fucking wired. I was hoping to get like 15 innings of baseball, but congratulations to the Astros. You know, things are getting a little chippy out there. I guess they're imitating some guy in the Dodgers, a guy with the blue mohawk. I don't know anybody's fucking name. I guess he flips the bat and sticks his tongue out. So they're like, oh, yeah, well, we're going to flip the bat. We're going to stick our tongues out. These are adult males, everybody.

Stupid as shit ever. But it's been an incredible series. So I'm hoping game three, I'll actually be, I'll be home and I can sit down and watch it. Now watch game three will suck. You know what I mean? The pitcher's dual, not even a good one. They leave stranded base runners. And that's it. That's all the fuck I got. I don't know what to tell you.

I've just been working like a maniac. So I'm in the first scene tonight today, which is great because I'm actually going to do a little promotion here. There's a 30 for 30 coming out and arguably one of the greatest, if not the greatest entertainer of all time and wrestler of all time, Rick Flair. The Rick Flair 30 for 30 is coming out and they're having a premiere tonight and I'm going to go to it and I think Rick Flair is going to be there. So I'm going to go a little Jim Norton here and try to get my picture because I've had a Twitter photo up on my Twitter account since that was taken in June of 2014. I still remember. I got to meet him, talk to him, he was the coolest fucking dude ever, was telling stories and just an awesome guy. So I'm hoping tonight I can update my photo. How cool would that be? I haven't updated it in three years because it was a Rick Flair photo.

Hopefully I can update it again with another one. And if I don't, who gives a shit? I get to watch the Rick Flair 30 for 30, which everybody should watch. I don't care what's going on in your life. I don't care if your wife's going like, We need to spend time together. We need to go to a punky patch. We need to beg and you got to say, This is one. I'm not doing the TV. I want this one. I'm going to watch live fucking. We'll do it live. All right. You got to see this one live and how do you wrap up Rick Flair story in 30 minutes? Is that what it means? Right? 30 stories, 30 minutes long. They've already done way more than 30. I already saw the Dan Marino football life and that was 30 minutes with commercials or something like that.

It should have been at least 90 minutes. How much the game has changed and how much the game had to change and how it had to become borderline illegal to cover a receiver past your first little two-yard chuck or whatever you're allowed to do now. All of that had to happen. NFL had to try to go global and try to get all these fucking, you know, half ass fans by running up the scores. All of that had to fucking happen for Dan Marino's records that stood for 30 years to start the fall. That's all I'm saying. You know, that should have been 90 minutes. Nah, I guess you can't do that because then all the other legendary players would be like, well, how come mine was only 30 and 88 and 88 was 90? E6's tongue out flips the bat.

Then they get all fucking upset. I did things too, you know. So anyways, I'm looking forward to that and I don't know, and that's it. Other than that, I'm going out of my mind being stone sober, remembering every fucking waking moment of the day. Every day that I'm sober, I'm reminded why I drank. You know, I got to go to an AA meeting. I got to hear people talk positively about being sober because I got to be honest with you, I don't fucking get it. When I fucking lay off the booze, all it does is make me want to try drugs, you know. I never smoke weed. I don't smoke. I'm not into it. I just don't, I'm not into it.

But then if I don't drink everyone, you know, a couple of times a month, I'm just like, I got to fucking do something to break up the monotony. I have such a respect for these straight edge people. I don't know how they do it. This guy tried to tell me about being sober. He goes, you know, you don't understand is that like, you know, alcohol kills, I don't say endorphins. I don't know what it is that actually makes you feel good about your life. He goes, I don't drink. I'm actually, I don't need it. I don't need it, Bill. I'm like high on life, you know, and I was just looking at him.

I was, I couldn't help but think you're full of shit. No, you're not. You know, when you're high on life, when you're a kid, you know, and you never threw out your back and your shoulders not fucked up. You don't have a sciatic nerve issue. Your feet don't hurt. You just get out of bed. You're brand new. You're jumping around the fucking house doing cartwheels and shit, running around. Hey, let's go in the living room. You just get up and you run to the other room. Then you're high on life. You don't have any credit card debt, right? You don't got a lady in your life going, we need to have a date night, right?

None of that bullshit. Then you can be high on life. And you know what happens? Oh, you know what happens? You become an adult. All right? And all of a sudden you start understanding why, why it is that technically, you know what I mean? If you're living down on the equator, you're actually standing sideways. Okay? And why you don't go flying off the fucking planet, you start to understand it. It's the weight, the weight of the universe being on this thing that's fucking spinning, right? And all this fucking debt you're fucking accumulating. It's all coming down on you and the holidays are coming up, right? Are the holidays fun anymore? Huh? Do you get into the Christmas spirit?

The way you got to start growing around and fucking seeing everybody and getting on a fucking plane, watching some douchebag after they just said only one thing per person in the overhead compartment, stick three fucking bags up there. You know what I mean? And that's when the stewardess comes by and she just goes, can I get you something? Could you like something to drink? It's like, yeah, lady, you know those little bottles of booze you have? How many do you think you could carry in both your arms? Why don't you stuff a few in your fucking brazier over there and bring them over here so I can get to this goddamn flight, right?

Or maybe, you know, maybe you would still enjoy that time of year. It's that time of year when you could say, look at that. I was just singing a Christmas song when I was doing the fucking, what was that? Head for, that's a beer commercial. Head for the mountains, the taste is smooth and it's bush beer. I love how they have the balls to do a commercial now as if their beer tastes good. Everybody knows what bush beer is for. That's like when you're hungover and you want to get back in the game.

You know, that's that, you know, cut me, Mick. When they fucking slit your fucking eyelids because you were all swollen up from the booze the night before. That's what that beer is. Let's put bush beer in all those fucking beers. Coors light, bush, bush light, all of those fucking beers are when you drank so hard the night before. You know, and you just don't have it in you not to drink the next day and you need to get back in the game. It's the quarter zone shot of alcohol. That's what it is.

Fucking stupid fucking commercials with a guy standing next to a goddamn river. What is that all about? Let me know how watered down that fucking can of pisses that I'm going to be drinking. But God bless you because it still gets me fucked up. Anyways, I don't know, do I need therapy? I don't know what is. I think I just need to get home. So anyway, yeah, I just been going out of my mind here unless I'm down on the set if I'm just fucking hanging out. And I keep saying, I keep threatening to myself that I'm going to go down to the college football hall of fame,

but I don't think I'm going to make it again today. Because I got to get out of the fucking elliptical and burn off all the food I ate yesterday. I didn't do bad. I ate the fish yesterday. And I got to tell you the catering on this movie has been out fucking standing. It's been delicious. You know, I don't know what catering has gone to another level since I started doing my three lines per movie acting career. You know, why don't they have awards for that for people like me on movies? You know, they have best supporting actor, right?

But you mean you still got to be like a major part of the movie. What about people like me? Where's my award? Not even my award, just an award show. They should do that. Just have it on YouTube and they just have, right? You have a host nobody's heard of and a bunch of actors you can't fucking name. You know, and then you let people vote, you know, best two lines in a movie for 2017. And I don't know, whatever award you win, it's like made out of chocolate or something you eat it or something. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a little, it's a shot of, it's a flask.

I don't, I don't pretend to understand these fucking things. Anyways, guess what I'm doing next week, everybody, other than seeing my beautiful family, spending every fucking second with them, is I am going to be playing the surf ballroom, I'm sorry, in Iowa. And this is where, you know, Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Richie Valens all did their last show. It's a little fucking morbid, you know, but I want to go there. I want to see it, right? And I'm flying right into the same airport that they took off from and crashed and everybody's going, dude, what the fuck? And it's like they had ice on their winks. That's what happened. That's why they crashed. They had an experienced pilot and they had ice on the winks

and they didn't have the technology back then to spray the chemicals. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm going to be all right. So anyways, I'm going to be doing that on Thursday of next week and then Friday, Saturday. I'm in one of my favorite goddamn cities in the world, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. All right. And Dean Delray is going to be doing the Thursday one. And then I got Versey and Bartnick in Milwaukee. Versey, Bartnick and myself in one of my favorite cities ever. And I have to somehow try to maintain being sober. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it, but I don't know how much fucking longer I can go. I got 70 days in. All right. You know what it is, is I know when I have that next drink that I'm just going to be on again for another two fucking years. So what I'm hoping what I can do is, I mean, it's what I'm going to do when I come back, when I return after this injury, right? When I make my return to the big leagues of booze, I would like to fucking, I would like to booze the way I smoke cigars now because I got that under control. Like I smoke a cigar like once every fucking three weeks or something like that.

That's all right, right? 12 to 15 a year. I'm so full of shit. I've smoked more than that this year, but whatever. At least I make an attempt. Okay. The third base coach with the cigars is holding people up. All right. But that fucking lunatic with the booze is just waving me around every time. Um, I don't know. I got to be honest with you. Having a kid's a great way to fucking not drink. You know what I mean? You can't just sit there getting drunk when you have a kid in the house.

And plus, even if you do like a moron, the next morning your kid's going to wake up at like seven in the morning and they don't give a fuck about a hangover. Um, so I guess it's just when I'm on the road. I don't know what it is, or maybe I just like boozing. You know, it's all of that shit. I really enjoy it. I miss it. You know, I think I'm going to sober dial my fucking, my booze itself. Um, anyway, so I'm going to be doing that. And then I go up to Green Bay and, uh, and then that Monday night, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Green Bay has a Monday night football game that I was going to go to with Verzi and Bartnick.

Um, you know, I can't even say, unfortunately, I got to get back to do my last three days on the movie. And, um, so I can't make that one, but Jesus Christ, if you're not going to go to Lambeau Field, it's a pretty good excuse, right? Because you're going to be in a great fucking movie starring Hugh Jackman called Front Runner. They'll be coming out in 2018. Please tell all of your friends, please go to the movie theaters and go see it. Um, who knows if the schedule chains, maybe I'll get to go, but I think Verzi and Bartnick are still going to go. Um, and that's it. Other than that, I don't think I have anything left to tell you other than my shoulders completely fucked up again. Um, I turned the corner with my rotator cup and, um, that I went too far. I don't know if it was because I did dips or I tried to do a pull-up with one of those fucking assist bands things.

You know, I tried to do, I just pushed it too far and now I got to start all over again. It's fucking frustrating. But what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Hey, you know, it's fucking annoying. It's two years, sciatic nerve last year and I got my fucking shoulder, you know? But fortunately I've been eating like a lady, so I'm staying in shape here. All right, Indochina everybody. Oh, we're doing the reads here. Indochino! Fuck, fuck the reads. You know, sometimes I was reading this thing about this couple that mountain climbs and they were trying to climb one of the more difficult ones where you're literally walking in the jet stream. It was wind was blowing so bad they couldn't sleep at night.

So of course one of these fucking morons gets lifted up in the air by the wind, slammed down between two rocks. Her foot gets stuck in between the rocks and then the wind is blowing so hard it twists her body around and she breaks her fucking leg. Now the other two fucking jerk offs who were also completely safe before they decided out of the fucking blue out of nowhere to put their lives at risk, right? With absolutely no respect for anybody else in the world who gets tortured, who lives in these horrible fucking war-torn conditions. You know what I mean? All they want to do is just be able to come home and be safe. These two fucking free morons. Decide that they're going to go up there and deliberately put their lives at risk. So now the other two assholes have to carry this lady down with their spiral fracture taking turns while walking into the jet stream. And I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing during this, when I'm reading this.

Am I supposed to be thinking, wow, what incredible human beings? I don't. I just think what a couple of fucking morons. Because then some poor bastard has to fly a helicopter up there and try and meet him and risk his fucking life. I don't know how people in the Coast Guard do it. I don't know how these people in helicopters around the fucking world, their job. What is your job, sir? What is your job, man? What is my job? Oh, I rescue fucking morons. You know what I mean? The fire department has that to a certain extent. You know, somebody's sitting there smoking a cigarette, eating a pop tart and bed nodding off and he lights his fucking bed on fire. Right? Then they got to go in there and go get the guys. He's hiding in the closet, you know, with the frosting still around his lips that's starting to melt. They have to go in there. They got to go get the guy.

You want to talk about fucking hero? How do they do that? You have to go risk your life to save a fucking moron. Is there making the call? Yeah, hey, my wife broke her leg. Where are you? Where's your house? We climbed up a mountain. What the fuck did you do that for? Oh, God, I would love to take those calls. What the fuck did you do that for? Great, great. So now let me guess, now you want us to go up there and go get you, you fucking moron? You know we should leave you up there, right? You know you deserve that, right? Do you understand the person flying up there in the helicopter is expecting it?

He's becoming a father in another month and he might not make it because you fucking idiots left a perfectly good hotel room and decided to climb up there. So what? You could talk loudly about it in a bar with your frostbitten cheeks, your dumb cunts. Tell you what, walk another thousand feet down the fucking mountain. I'll check the forecast. Maybe I'll pick you up in a week. I guess you got to be cut out for that job. I don't know. All right, Indochino. All right, talk about how every man looks better in a suit. You know, every day I'm checking out guys walking by, you know, I like a nice George Michael stubble. I'm not going to lie to you, right? But I got to be honest with you, nothing makes me want to give my number to another man. Like a man in a suit. Jesus Christ, do they look good?

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Okay, well, I got I got to work in my little workout. I'm going to go put on my pink leg warmers, you know, and do a couple of butt blasters. All I do now is I just get on the elliptical. That's all I do. And I put on my fucking, you guys want to hear about my cardio? This is my cardio. I like to listen to mindless music when I'm on. You know, I finally have given in to gym music.

Like I used to walk around the gym and I'd be like, why are they playing pour some sugar on me? It's like, you know what? Because it's actually, you know, I go through different periods sometime. I either want to listen to a fucking absolutely genius album or something like that. Or I just don't even want to think and lately I don't want to fucking think and I know what it is. It's because I'm missing my family. That's what it is that I mentioned that 5,000 fucking times. So right now I just want to go into like, you know, it's like, you know, I like washing dishes.

It's fucking mindless. You know what I mean? But I put the water in the tank with the soap and I fucking scrub it until it's clean. And it just gives you something to do, something to focus on. Like why can't I get that fucking brand flake that looks like now it's been sandblasted onto this bowl here. Why can't I get that off fucking, you know, you get a little anger out. Here is my mindless music. I listen to feel it still, feel it still from Portugal to man.

Back a book at the bow. Waka-paka-boo, like a bag up a boo. Am I coming out of that field? Gaga-gaga-gaga-goo-goo. That gets me through the first five minutes. And then I listen to Mark Ronson, uptown funk. Ugh, this is the same song. The same song they write every summer, right?

Boo-boo-boo-do-do-do. I listen to that shit, right? Slightly embarrassed, but I listen to it. And then I listen to The Honey Drippers rocking at midnight. And then I just have a bunch of Tom Petty. And this isn't mindless music, but I'm kind of stopping listening to that. I kind of switch off then. I've listened to three mindless songs in a row, and I love Tom Petty, but he just died, so it makes me sad.

So I just saw Primus. So after those three mindless songs, I then go into awesome music that I really like. I listen to Primus or Mars Volta, my new favorite band. Fucking dope. Found out about them fucking 15 years after they were together. So stupid. So anyways, and that's what I have to go do for everybody. You guys want to share with me your little cardio fucking list?

You know what I need? I need another three fucking songs as mindless as those first three that I just sent to you. They're silly. They're happy. And the next thing you know, I look down and all I have, you know, I only do like a half hour. You know what I mean? I only do a half hour because these needs have to last me a lifetime. All right, I'm done with this bullshit. There's going to be a little music here, and you're probably not going to know what the music is.

And I'm not going to know what it is either because Andrew Themolus, you know, he goes deep. He goes deep into the music world. So if you have any questions, just ask what song it is on our Twitter app at the MM podcast. All right, and ask Andrew in a very polite, respectful way what the song is. I'm sure he'll get back to you. All right, and then we'll play after that. There'll be another half hour of this podcast, a classic half hour of classic clips from a Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast that I don't know, maybe from earlier this year, maybe from three years ago.

I have no idea. You might even listen to me talking about how much fun I had booze in the night before. You know, that's it. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Everyone knows I'm about you. Don't play. You do it for the thrill. Anyways, I got them into the biggest, dumbest fucking fight last night with my girl, right?

We had this great day, you know, everything's going great. So I stay in, I take a night off from comedy. I say, hey, why don't we watch? Why don't we watch a movie? You know what I mean? Cap off this wonderful fucking day. Everything's going great. What could go wrong?

This is like the beginning of a horror movie where they just show like the perfect family and everything's great and people are wearing like white linen. You know, and then all of a sudden they just start showing the camera in the bushes like a POV of like Mike Myers. This is basically what happened. So 60 minutes comes on, right? Who doesn't want to watch that show and pretend they're smart? You know, I like it. Some morally safer comes on. And you know he smells like an old person.

Some old people don't smell like old people, but he looks like he smells like an old person. You know, smells of cigars, ashtrays, you know, a couple of wars, maybe a date rape. So he's interviewing Meryl Streep. All right. The great Meryl Streep. And they're going through all her old frigging life and all the movies and all the different characters that she's played. Oh, first of all, they start the report off with morally safer just sitting there, right? Smelling a fucking Ben gay and whiskey, right?

And he says how, you know, how over in England, you know, they, you know, I don't know, they make their actors. They, they award them by calling them lords and they knight them. But over here in America, all we do is just give them this shiny statue and it's just like starts off right off the bat for some reason, just shitting on America. I don't know why. Like an Oscar is somehow beneath Sir Anthony Michael Hall. I mean, or Lord, Lord of what? Lord of what? At least you can fucking hold our statue.

Your Lord of what kingdom? That phony horseshit that you have with Prince Charles and the popper or whatever the fuck is going on over there. You know, look, if the Rothschilds knight you over there, then that fucking means something. Then you can become part of their yacht convoy as they go around the world, figuring out how to take over another currency, right? Then you're in with them. Okay, but if you're, if you're fucking, you know, Lord of this and your, your wingman is the Duke of Elton John. I mean, that's the whole thing is fucking stupid, right? So right off the bat, it's already bugging me, but I know Neha hates when I talk to the TV, right?

So I, you know, I keep my big fucking yaps shut and they start talking about Meryl Streep, going through the whole thing. And then the old guy there smelling of, you know, prescription meds goes, you know, whenever they talk about the roles you play, they always say, you know, you play independent minded women, very strong women. And Meryl goes, I know that's, yeah, that's what they say. You know, when a guy, they never say to a guy, oh, you're playing a strong willed character, yada, yada, yada. I let that go, whatever. No biggie. I'll take that. It's probably true. What the fuck do I know? I'm not a woman, right? But then they show her after she played Margaret Thatcher and she's given a speech to a bunch of women's young girls

and she's trying to inspire them and she, she takes a quote from Margaret Thatcher. And it was something along the lines of, if you want a bunch of people to talk around, talk, stand around talking about doing something, you know, something, you got to talk to men. But if you wanted to actually get done, you got to get a woman. And then all the chicks go, whoo, like flipping out, right? So I laugh and I'm like, yay, reverse sexism, right? Just seeing, you know, my whole fucking theory, how everybody is just a piece of shit. You just don't have the power to act out what the fuck you want to do.

Because that right there, if you flip that around as a guy, if you're running for president, it's fucking over. You can't be like, let me tell you, I'll tell you what, after I get your jobs and after I fix this economy, okay? And I'm the man to do it because I'll tell you right now. If you're looking for someone to stand around and talk about doing something, you get a woman. You want to get it done, you got to get a man. Here are my nuts, right here on the podium. Vote for me November 4th, go fuck yourself, right? You did that, your presidential campaign's over.

She does it, it's fucking adorable. And it's just as fucking ignorant. You know what I mean? What the fuck do you get off saying that we stand around and do nothing, Meryl Streep? Or quoting Margaret, and you too, Margaret Thatcher? Let me tell you, you bitch is something, alright? We faked a fucking lunar landing. Okay, you think that's just talking?

Anybody can land on the fucking moon. That's easy, but to pretend you did it. Alright? And get everybody to shut the fuck up about it. That, that, that right there, that takes skill. So whatever, so I make that little comment. And did I just go, that, that, that, that? I suddenly fucking porky pig.

So, so I make that comment, and like, you know, I've been with Nia long enough that I can tell by the side of her face when she's just thinking about like, what if I just grabbed everything I really cared about and walked out of this house right now? She got like that fucking mad at me. You know? And I'm like, she's just like, right after the story was over, she just shut the fucking thing off. And, uh, I don't happen. Next thing you know, I'm walking to 7-Eleven to get some ice cream.

I've, I've not even know what happened. It was all going great. You know, am I the asshole there? What am I, am I supposed to just fucking sit there with my mouth hanging open with drool coming out when I watch TV? If somebody says something douchey, I'm not supposed to say it. Whatever. Whatever.

So I just finally just said, you know what? Fuck this. Take the dog out. I go around the block. What do I do? I'm calling my guy friends. Right? They're all backing me up.

I'm not saying who I called. I don't name names. Right? And they're all laughing their ass off and they 100% agree with me, which is all I'm looking for at this point. I just want people to say that I'm right. I don't want to learn anything from this experience. Just tell me I was right so I can be an ignorant ass again.

I don't know. Why don't you guys weigh in on that? Am I a dick for saying that? Should I just let that one go? You know? You know what she said that fucking drove me up the wall? She goes, why are you... She didn't say intimidated.

She used one of those words. Why are you threatened by what she said? It's like I'm not threatened. Jesus Christ. Then I take the bait. It just sends me right over there. Like threatened about what? Oh my God, this person that I don't know who has never called me,

nor will ever call me, who has no effect on my life. How do you get threatened by that? I'm just calling it for the bullshit that it is. Because you know what? This is what fucking drives me nuts. I can't stand when somebody tells me that their shit sandwich tastes worse than my shit sandwich. Okay?

Go fuck yourself. At what point am I supposed to have empathy as I'm sitting here eating a shit sandwich and you're telling me how much worse yours is? You know, at the end of the fucking day, you know what I mean? Sure, mine might be on, you know, a better slice of bread, which I guess would make it taste a little bit better,

but at the end of the fucking day, right? The end of the fucking day. All right, I'm going to end up in a FEMA camp with you. Okay? You think when the next fucking psycho comes along, I'm going to make the cut? What the fuck do I, what do I bring to the world? Huh?

Exactly. I'm going to be standing right next to you. So go fuck yourself. Just fucking woman. Every time she sneezes, they give her another goddamn award. She's still bitching. Still fucking bitching. You know, I remember when I did this Oscar-nominated part,

oh, go fuck yourself with your wigs. The whole thing just, you know, that's what fucking pisses me off when I watch this shit. If you really want to know my perspective, is from where I come from, I can't bitch about shit because everybody's like, oh, go fuck yourself. You hit the lottery, right?

But I got to sit here and listen to you bitch, even if you're fucking killing it. Even if you're killing it. You know? Yailed school of drama. And he stepped on the ball. Go fuck yourself with your goddamn yachts. Alright, there you go.

That felt good. It's probably ignorant. Dental assistant, Billiam. I recently watched a talk show of parents you posted on your Twitter. You mentioned, yeah, I did the Willi Hunter show. And I think that that's what I posted when that fucking twat that I'd like to choke to death

with a garden hose, sent me to the hospital. And I think that's what I posted when that fucking twat that I'd like to choke to death with a garden hose, sent me to the hospital. I choked to death with a garden hose, sent me that tweet.

Yeah, it was on the Willi Hunter show. And he said, you mentioned you were a dental assistant for your father. Did you ever consider becoming a dentist? Did your father ever have ambitions for you to become anything in particular? No, my dad and my parents were great. Like, they wanted you to base it.

They didn't force anything on you. Whatever you wanted to do, they supported it 100%. And I remember being, working with my dad in the dental office when I told him that I was going to become a comedian. We were in like the break room. And I remember I was sitting there like going like,

how is this guy going to take this when he has such a classic, like stable job here? You know, that I'm going to tell him that I'm going to fucking basically make a living, try to make a living doing

exactly what he's been yelling at me for for the last fucking 20 years of my life, which was fucking off and acting like an idiot and screwing around. All this shit that, you know, when he would give me, Christ, hit the books! You're the town clown!

When he would be giving me shit. Which I totally deserved, because if you ever saw the grades I got in school, I mean, they are horrific. Fucking horrific. The high water mark for me was like a C- or a C.

It was brutal. I went to head to go to summer school every fucking year of high school except my sophomore year because my math teacher hooked me up and my senior year, I should have gone. I just didn't give a fuck. That's the point, you know what I mean?

That's like you got the ball with 10 seconds left and what are you gonna do? You just fucking, you know, you're down by 30. Yeah, just throw up a half court shot. Did it go in? Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter, you know? Um... So no, I mean, for half a second, you know what, you know what I did like?

I liked the, uh, I liked the pouring up models when I was in, uh, when I was in the dental office. That was my favorite thing. I was in the back, I was isolated, I wasn't around anybody and it tapped into that little kid thing, a plane in mud.

And he used to pour up the models and they had this vibrating thing and you had to tap on it to make sure you got all the bubbles out. And I prided myself on not being able, you know, of having it without having no bubbles.

See, if you got bubbles, if there was bubbles on the bottom, basically, you know, when they stick that pink shit out of your mouth, they've got to take an impression of your teeth. Then somebody's got to take that out of your mouth, go into the back room, and then you've got to mix this powder with water up in those little green rubber bowls.

Jesus, this is all coming back to me. And then you poured it into the fucking impression you took and then there was this thing that sounded exactly like your cell phone vibrating on a table. And you just, you just tapped it on that to get all the air bubbles out of it.

And if you didn't do it enough, after one of the things set and you took it out, if the bubbles were at the bottom, that's where the teeth were, the most crucial thing, the exact fucking thing they're trying to get a gauge on so they can, you know, whatever the hell

they were trying to do, make a bridge or something. The whole thing would be fucked. And then you couldn't go and just re-pour the model into that same mold because somehow it had shrunk up a little bit and it wouldn't be accurate.

And my dad used to flip out. He would take him off and be like, Christ, there's air bubbles in this. You know, and it was beyond your boss yelling at you. It was also my dad. So I already had, you know,

I was going through my fucking teenage and early 20s when you're rebelling the most against you. I already had to live with the guy who was dealing with him. It was fucking hilarious. And he used to give me shit like, you know, like I was his kid.

But we actually talked about how we had to tone that shit down because it didn't come off as professional in front of patients or whatever. But that was a part. I thought if I ever got into dentistry that I would work in the lab.

I liked that part of it. And not just pouring up the models, like the actual I don't know, there was a precision to it that I liked. I didn't like the front line shit going in the mouth with all that crap and looking at people's fucking horrific teeth.

Just horrible fucking teeth. All my jokes were about that shit when I first started. I told you guys that story, right? I used to work totally clean when I first started stand up. And not because I wanted to be this comedy purist. I just was afraid of offending somebody in the crowd getting heckled.

Not having a comeback. Losing my place in my act. And then bombing horrifically. And just having my career end. Total fear catastrophizing, like way of looking at it. And um...

Yeah, Jesus Christ. That really just fucking brought me back to I was standing on stage at stitches fucking somebody heckled me. I was in vault in Boston. Somebody heckled me and I completely lost my fucking train of thought. And I had nothing.

And it took me like basically three seconds to remember what the fuck I was talking about. And um... It was the longest three seconds of my life. And I didn't know enough to just say to the crowd like, what the fuck was they talking about? Cause they'll tell you. They'll remember. They're not nervous. They're listening.

They're not having like this outer body experience. Cause I remember people would come into the dental office and their teeth would just be just just with an absolute fucking mess. And they could tell you right now I hate coming to the dentist. And it's like, yeah

dude, I can smell it. You don't have to smile. I can tell you don't like coming to dentist. You don't like fucking brushing your teeth. This one guy said, this is one of the first jokes I did. Oh, that's right. So I would work totally fucking clean. And then my last act, and you just you know when I looked like a young Ron Howard

I look like Richie Cunningham and I was totally clean and I was clever and I had these perfect talk show monologue jokes and everyone was going like, oh dude you're going to do the tonight show and this is going to be perfect and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and then the last joke in my act

I quoted this patient who kept having to get fillings and root canals and he said, doc, you know, I don't understand what's going on. I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day and then my snappy come back to that that I thought of that later became the last joke in my act

I said, really, do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit and that's what I would close with after working totally clean. I would say that disgusting line. Do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit having everybody in the crowd after looking at this

fucking Norman Rockwell come to life fucking character wholesome as hell, right? And I really was back then as opposed to the piece of shit that I am now after 20 years

on the road that I became and I literally they had to conjure up pictures of somebody skipping wiping their ass and just that whole and they would just literally recoil that I would just be like, you know, thanks a lot goodnight everybody you were great

and um I had another horrible one that I did where I actually brought a prop on stage and if you'd like to see that I tell the story on the Willy Hunter show and Willy's an up-and-coming comic

at the comedy store and he's the guy who threw the hula hoop took the hula hoop from that girl and fucking threw it into the the street I tell that story too if you want to see that shit check out his show I'll let you go even when I'm

surreptitiously could make a hit out of any song any song hey what's going on this is the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday October 26th 2009

holy shit Halloween's coming up I haven't even bought a pumpkin yet what the fuck is that all about um hey how come there's not pumpkins the whole time of the year are those things seasonal you know

like tomatoes evidently tomatoes are seasonal we just don't realize that which is why they taste like shit 90% of the year or according to Jimmy Dorr they pick them before they're even ripe and they just paint them red is that true

I mean how long would that take to sit there with that little fucking Crayola wouldn't they taste like wax what's the deal with pumpkins you can get pumpkin pie the whole year round but you'll never see them um I'm going out of my fucking mind people my voice is killing me

I have something to do here in fucking 40 minutes so this is gonna be a quick podcast and this time actually mean it cause it's gonna cost me money if I don't get off the phone here in 40 minutes where to start why don't we just start with what the hell is bugging me

um I almost got into a fist fight yesterday and uh I realized that I'm at the awful age of it's basically any time there's gonna be a fist fight I have these two options

A. I lose and get the shit kicked out of me which really you know there's no end to that shit kicked out of you could be I got a black eye I lost a tufa you know or it could be I'm in a coma and you know the left

side of my body doesn't work anymore you know what I mean you never know cause you never know who you fucking with right so that's option A and option B is I win and then I get the shit sued out of me okay I'm so fucking still

pissed about this I have to give you the abbreviated version of this because it's been eating me up inside um I was waiting for my girlfriend to come out of this diner it's one of these places there's only one way in and one way out alright so there's a parking lot parking

spot way down which is actually closer to the fucking diner and this douche bag is sitting there cause he sees my reverse lights on so I'm waving at him to tell him to go buy me so I can just back out of the fucking lot and he's just sitting there sitting there he wouldn't do it's a fight you know I pull out real fast it's like a gravel parking lot

slam on the brakes slide backwards and then fly forward slam on the brakes so he pulls in obviously nose up pissed and I back up and I put the window down I'm like dude there's a fucking spot right up there and then he immediately goes oh you're so tough with your hybrid and he really caught me off guard man he got

me with a great one he went with the hybrid my dick is bigger than yours cause I'm he's driving a fucking lime green four door sedan that he looked like he borrowed from his fucking aunt right oh this guy he's just this this fucking you know what this guy looked like remember those coming of age movies in the 80s where there was the

good-looking chick that the nerd wanted and she was dating this impossible asshole like that blonde hair douche from back to school who gets all intimidated in the end and fakes a leg injury after fucking a 90 year old Rodney Dangerfield does a triple triple Lindy that's

what this kid looked like alright and he's going fucking blah blah blah and I'm like yeah yeah with your fucking tight shirt your big nose go fuck yourself and he's like and then he goes go back to Jersey you piece of shit that's what he said to me right and I wanted to go like

dude I'm not from New Jersey but my girl jumped and said something fucking you know that a civilian would say rather than a comedian so I actually started losing the argument a little bit so then he turns around and then I was just like where you going where you going you know like like I was actually going to fight him because I was so fucking

mad I but I in the back of my head the whole fucking time I'm thinking like dude what are you going to do what what what are you going to do to this guy when was the last time you had a fight you're fucking 41 you're a year older than Brett Favre what are you going to do it's it's not even on level ground it's in a

gravel fucking parking lot you know what I mean I knew I could I I I swear to God I know I could have fucking killed this guy but I can't do it I can I'm going to I already you know what would happen I would have fucking started fighting him even if I started

fighting his girlfriend would have jumped on my back and then if you do any sort of get off my back with the woman I'm going to jail you know I just it was this fucking stalemate there was nothing I could fucking do and then I'm

driving home and all I'm thinking about is how much I want to fucking kill this guy and it got to the point I literally dropped my girl off and I drove back to the diner and his fucking car was still there and I'm circling the diner in a hybrid hahaha

waiting for this guy to come out thinking about what I'm going to do to him and then also reminding myself that I have not had a fight in about 20 fucking years okay and then also reminding myself legally the ramifications

for leaving and then fucking coming back I am in no danger whatsoever and I am going to get the living shit suit out of me so fortunately a friend of mine happened to call up and I started telling her the story and she was laughing her ass off and she told

the story of some girl didn't hold the door you know it was one of those really heavy doors and it sort of slammed back in her face and she said thank you you know sarcastically to her and then the girl goes what I don't have to hold the door for you go fuck yourself and how she just wanted to stick her Timberland through the back of this

fucking chicks back I guess look at me I'm so fucking mad I can't even say simple anatomy so I just she I don't know I was able to just kind of talk myself out of it and the real thing was I didn't want to go back

and fight the guy I really didn't you know what I mean I really didn't I did but I didn't there was just no winning what was I going to do you know I got meetings this week I'm going to show up with a loose tooth and a fucking you know nobody bleeds like a redhead you know what I mean I'm going to look like fucking Ric Flair

walking in there there was nothing I could do I had to sit there and and I think I actually lost the back and forth verbal thing you know I'm so fucking shot from being on the road I just got off a flight I wanted to go straight home my girls

like I'm hungry let's get something to eat you know and I made a mental note to be extra nice to my girl just because I've been an asshole lately you know which is probably why I got into the argument to begin with but

it's it was I literally there's a there's a fucking reservoir or a lake whatever the fuck you call it near where I live this is how mad I was after my friend talked me out of not doing what I didn't even want to do to begin with

right not to mention he already had another guy with him lost I would have fucking lost right so I had to go drive to the lake park my car and walk around the lake and the first

90% of the walk around it I was fantasizing about all the different ways that I was going to murder this guy I had one where I was body slamming him onto his own fucking car screaming some shit about hybrids

I completely like I haven't been that mad and so fucking long and it wasn't till the last 10% you know I was kind of going like you know you really took this walk to try to forget about this shit so what is wrong with you

you need to calm down so I started to fucking calm down and then I saw my car again and reminded me I was driving a hybrid and it fucking pissed me off again dude there's one thing if the guy was driving a Corvette you should have seen this car it wasn't lime green it was actually kind of a nice green okay

if I can actually extend an olive branch to this fucking cunt but I mean it was a four door sedan you know there was no excuse at his age he was like in his 20's there was no fucking excuse for him to be driving that car or certainly talking shit right

and also I love that how go back to jersey piece of shit and like how he's the typical LA guy judging you know you are what you drive out here because I'm in a hybrid therefore I don't know how to fight and what you my car runs 100%

on gas fucking bring Bruce Lee on what does he got a rickshaw so so the last 10% I started to talk myself down and just so happened there was an open house out here and there happens

to be a zillion houses available out here because the state is bankrupt and we live in a city without a water supply and they still want a million dollars for a house that is about the size of a decent one bedroom apartment so hence there's a lot of open houses so I actually

said I actually went into the open house and looked at it and was thinking the entire time that if I had gotten out of the car and thrown the first punch even if I won the fight whatever down payment I would have had to actually get a fucking house

I think I'd like to do at some point in my life that would have been out the fucking window and as much as it calm me down today it still hasn't made me feel any better and this this should be like some sort of

gentlemen's agreement of I'm not going to sue you and my friends aren't going to jump in or maybe even go down to the gym you just put the gloves on so you can just get it out of you because I got to admit it's still fucking in me and

I've been this is how much of a content made me and I'm trying to get rid of this little ball of hate that is in me I looked at the one house and I felt better and I'm like I still need to look at another house

because I'm still in a bad mood and I was driving up the street as I'm driving up the street this white lady is like waving her hands like telling me to stop she has no uniform on or nothing

so I'm deliberately driving past her a little bit before I slowed down because I'm a fucking control freak and I don't like people telling me what to do so she comes up to my window and I go what and she's like a tree fell on the road around the corner I just didn't want you to hit it and I was just like

oh my god I'm the biggest asshole lover I really am I'm really going to be honest with myself the whole fucking reason I had that fight with that guy is because I'm in a grumpy mood because the last seven out of last eight weeks I've been on the road alright

there alright I admit my fucking part of it oh dude you could have seen the way that guy was just standing there that fucking shark fin of a noses his coming out from those awful sunglasses that's going to haunt me for another couple of days but thank god I am a little bit older and I actually know how my brain

I'm telling you that's what being older is is knowing how your brain works because the moment is gone so now all I'm going to do is just walk around hating this fucking guy so what I have to do is every time I think it I just fucking think it's something else and I've been able to do it in my apartment but when I get in my car

it's like a Vietnam fucking flashback so I'm just going to give myself a week to get over it and and that's it alright so there's a story for you that took a nice 12 minutes my fucking voice is killing me you know I actually bought a book on how to fucking use your voice properly on stage

I should really read it I do drink that throat coat fucking tea with honey now that's how old I am what I really should be doing is giving my voice a rest and shutting the fuck up rather than yelling about some dude

that doesn't even matter in my fucking life alright let's get on with the podcast so this is the money money podcast everybody if you're new to this you're probably in some sort of I don't know what you would what mindset you would be in oh fucking ceiling fans drying out my throat

that's what's going on isn't there something really intimidating about a ceiling fan do you ever not think that it's just going to come flying off the fucking ceiling and decapitate you it's unreal how it just stays there our pumpkin

seasonal I didn't even get back to that I gotta get you know what happened last year is I carved up a couple of them but I carved them up too early and uh they started to dry out and the thing that I had carved in there this scary looking face

and I'd carved like a whole silhouette in the background you know what I mean like a big circle three quarters away and then on the bottom I carved the head into the bottom part of the circle so then the candle was behind it fucking lit this thing up it was awesome but the weight of the

the face considering it wasn't connected to any other part of the pumpkin it started to fall into the hole as it dehydrated and uh it really wasn't scary come Halloween it was just kind of sad it looked like a defeated demon like he was looking up in the air like god

what did he do to scare people um yeah so anyways I just came back from the DC improv everybody and uh I want to thank everybody in Washington DC in the surrounding area of Baltimore Richmond Virginia Georgetown whatever the hell you came from

West Virginia I just want to thank all you guys for coming out that was the greatest turnout I have ever had to any stand up weekend I've ever had I actually had to add a show people a second show on a Thursday night and it's sold out I did six sold out shows

and uh three days and um I had the time of my life ate at this restaurant posh got hooked up there by chef Chris this fucking dude brought us out all this food want to thank him

ah it was a great time dude you know what else I did I actually we got a football it's a long fucking story this is the Peter Pan lifestyle I'm living in which really gives me no excuse to get mad at some guy in a green four door sedan in the parking lot of a goddamn diner right

I played football on a Friday afternoon around two in the afternoon like I was still in like the fifth grade you know actually fifth grade would be more around four and I'd be blowing off my homework or whatever you know and uh ended up spraying in my finger

Paul Verzi a comedian who opened up for me we were so fucking hilarious like typical you know he's still a younger guy but you know I'm 41 so I'm stretching and doing all this shit and uh we're sitting there lying to ourselves we could still play that was a great pass dude

you hit me right in stride you hit me right in stride he's getting all excited that he's hitting a 41 year old in stride like the defensive back couldn't catch up hahahaha and fucking run the thing back for six the other way but uh nah man I was psyched

I was really impressed with how fast I can still run and I'm gonna tell you why it's because I've kept myself in shape and I stretch on a regular basis for all you guys out there as you're getting older you have a look at older guys and you're like you just look at them and you get to an age

at some point where you can't fucking run anymore and it blows your mind when you're young like why can't you run anymore you just send that brain signal to your legs to run and it's the problem is because it hurts I mean look this this part of it is yeah

you walked on your legs you feet and you used your body wear and tear 40 years but I swear to god it seems like 80% of it is not stretching if you don't stretch you get atrophy and your muscles shrivel up and that's when you literally somebody throws you a ball and it's a little out of your reach

and you go to reach for it and all of a sudden you fucking your kidneys up by where your fucking shoulder blade is is the kidney attached to tendons? I don't fucking know you know what I'm trying to say I went from muscles and tendons to organs um I'm telling you

I have this power yoga tape that I've been doing forever and forever my friends have been teasing me dude that's gay what are you trying to suck your own dick eh right all those fucks continue to eat and they didn't stretch and I was never fast I could always catch

I always had great hand-eye coordination I could fucking catch anything I don't give a shit what it is my thing is that there's just going to be somebody in front of me because I was never fast so this is hilarious I was never fast okay but I kept myself in shape

and about seven or eight years ago when I was in my early 30s I was playing pickup football and we've been playing for about 20 minutes and for the first time in my life somebody on the opposing team actually said they said hey watch out for Burr he's fast

and I almost burst it out laughing because I was thinking of what a statement that was to the horrific shape that they were in because I was slow when I should have been fast I ran like a 30 year old when I was 17 so when I'm 33 I would be running like I'm 45

you know so anyways we had a great time and I got to tell you you know what I realized when I was throwing that football around and this is one of the sad things about being an adult and getting responsibility and not being able to have a fight because you could get sued

is there's a lot of other fun things that you just stop doing like throwing a football do you know how much I love football and how much I loved it when I was a kid since I threw a football I think the last time I threw a football was that day

I was talking about what they said which was like 33 like I honestly in the last 8 years cannot remember ever throwing a football do you know how tragic that is we were out there running post patterns and fucking cutting across the middle I was having the time of my life until I sprained my finger

but even then it was alright you see it looks like one of Elton John's fingers you ever see an Elton John concert and he plays with those fat little sausage fingers he has he always talks about it he doesn't have piano playing fingers because he can't really reach that far but he's still the shit because he's so gifted that's what I have

I have one Elton John index finger or Mario Batali anybody watch the Food Network and you're watching after he does the Well Method making the pasta which is something I really want to fucking try I always want to try to make my own homemade pasta

I really got into cooking for a minute I used to watch that show Molto Mario every day because he seemed like the real deal you know not only did he understand the dish he had been to the country where he'd been Italy hung around with Italians and they taught him

how to fucking make this stuff after they gave him a ton of shit for not knowing what he was doing he could explain the part of Italy that he came from it's just a tremendous show and I like that he does it in his own kitchen he just has like a couple of friends over you know and uh

I don't know I just looked at it in like a comedy kind of way where he just seemed like a comedian who's really a comedian like they don't need props they don't need a catchphrase he's just standing there doing his shit right as opposed to other shows where you got you know like uh

I was going to say Emilio Estevez what the fuck is that guys, Emeril Lugasi you know this is how much I got into the Food Network I could actually tell how much happier Emeril Lugasi was when he was doing Essence of Emeril as opposed to being in front of the crowd you know

who doesn't like working in front of a a live audience but you could see the sadness in his face when the crowd just sits there and then he has to do all that extra shit all of a sudden you gotta turn into like you know I've got some butter and everybody's like

start screaming where Essence Emeril he can just sit down and cook the dish and not have to sit there throwing flour over his shoulder and sugar into the eyes of his drummer he's got a fucking drummer on a goddamn cooking show um so anyways that's what I'm saying like look if you love football you haven't played in a while

stretch out and throw the ball around I'm telling you you gotta do it do it before your fucking team plays on Sunday that's one of those silent competitions I have with other guys you know you go into a sports bar and you just look at the horror that is a sports bar the complete out of shape

fat fucks the bloated alcohol in wings face that you see every time you turn around you know I go to a sports bar like I always try to work out before I go there you know burn off whatever the fuck I'm going to eat in there

because I don't want to look at those people that are in there so that's what I'm saying there's a fun way if you hate the fucking gym go get a goddamn football dude I felt like I was in the fifth grade like when I was done I was looking for my book bag you know it was ridiculous of course two hours later I did not feel like a fifth grader I felt like I was 48

but it was fun nonetheless alright so let's get on with the podcast questions and whatnot hey here's a great thing if anybody else has like a um had a confrontation like what I had and for whatever reason

you didn't have the fight and you know what was funny when I was saying I was so mad and I was telling Nia I have to go back there when I was dropping her off dropping her off she goes just go back and slash his tires which really took me back to the whole revenge thing

of how damaging somebody's car I literally said that to her that's the bitch move I could slash Chuck Norris's tires if he wasn't standing there and ruin his day now go back and fight the guy or just fucking

or don't go back and rip his antenna off like a fucking pussy fight or don't fight or take a walk around the lake and calm yourself down admit to yourself that you're 41 years old and you probably had a fucking 50-50 chance

of losing the thing to begin with I would have been on the ground with that gravel embedded in the side of my face you know just taking a boat shoe to the head he didn't have them on boat shoes he wasn't that bad here we go, here's the podcast

last week I was telling you guys about how I discovered the magic word when complaining to corporations that the word is unacceptable alright and just in case you guys feel that I don't know what I'm talking about

which is exactly what you should feel because I am a moron I got this great email from somebody where the fuck is it god damnit I thought I had it you know what I am the worst why do you guys listen to this fucking podcast

no no no I know I had a great fucking here in front of me alright it's back on track I actually got an email from somebody who answers the phones for one of those big corporations alright if you want to learn how to do it I explained it in last week's podcast

at least my story of how I went about getting my money back so this guy sends me this really nice letter he says I just want to say your podcasts are fucking hilarious keep them coming you should do a show in Omaha sometime that's a rough one dude

Omaha is a rough one I will at some point I just have to get psyched up for that the 28 planes I'm going to have to take to get there that's one of those fucking states you have to fly past it to fly into a hub city you know

to finally get there via fucking Tampa what? here we go also I wanted to say when dealing with corporations using the word the unacceptable line does work I am a support agent

for a well known financial company if someone is continually a pain in the ass about something and are persistent about it eventually they will get their way you guys hear that I know it's morning for some of you did you hear that?

if someone is continually a pain in the ass about something and are persistent about it eventually they will get their way usually as a customer service representative we are encouraged to try and steer the conversation away from things like credits and try to offer other suggestions

and that's the part where you get mad because you're not getting what you want but that's where you have to keep you cool so anyways he says basically we try to bullshit them a little try and put them at ease yeah lie to them but if a customer is still not happy

we will give a credit or whatever you want as long as it's reasonable that's fair just to get you off the phone however if you start using profanity while on the phone call chances are we will try and find ways not to help you

or disconnect the call altogether regardless of rules and procedures representatives do have the ability to make phone calls basically if you call the customer service rep a cunt I will guarantee you they will not help you stick to using the unacceptable line

don't give up and you eventually will get what you want see that people there you go now you have the information you need from a professional rather than some moron comedian who almost got in a fight

outside of a pancake house on this week all right I ordered the NHL package the center rice package and I asked him hey now so I says to the guy I just sound like I was doing fucking vaudeville so I asked the guy I says hey buddy

what's with the chicken soup um I asked I asked the lady when I ordered it does it come with the NHL channel and she says hold on let me check and she says why yes yes it does and I said

you know what you got yourself a deal I will take the center rice package with the NHL channel so she says okay all right so they boot the fucking thing up and the next day lo and behold I don't have the NHL channel so I call up and what do they say to me

they say hello sir what can I do for you and I tell them my deal and I said oh we actually in her notes she left she said that you hung up before the call was over and I was like no I didn't I immediately got pissed too I kind of fucked this phone call up a little bit in the beginning

I went the cut route but I didn't say it but then I got it back on track I was like no I didn't and you guys like well according to her notes you did and I was like well according to my memory I was on the phone call and you weren't okay so now what I'm like so now what

she gets to just say something happened she writes it down to cover her ass you know and you know so that's when I kind of got mad but then I was able to bring it back and just say look the conversation ended with her going thank you very much

is there anything else I can help you with what do you think I was halfway through ordering it and she was going hang on a second sir hang on I was like too late goodbye I didn't do that alright and the guys like well I have to charge you $5 a month for this channel

this is like the zero tolerance I have over the course of the six month season and I'm like no I'm not paying that okay and the guy goes well I can't I can't give it to you I don't know what to do I go alright well then cancel the center rice package and the guy goes I can't do that I go what do you mean you can't do that

and he goes you can't cancel it once you order it I go so you mean to tell me that I ordered something it's in what you told me it was it isn't and now I can't cancel it and you can't rectify the situation is that any way to buy a business run a business

and the guy's like well I go that's unacceptable I want to talk to somebody else so I get this next guy on the phone at this point I finally calmed down and I was able to use that line sir I understand you know you don't make the rules I know this wasn't your call but this was the scenario okay well blah blah blah blah

if you can't give me the channel for free like I told it was you know that it came with the package I would like to cancel center rice the guy goes well I can't do either one of those but this is what I can do your DVR cost you 10 bucks a month how about I give you three free months of DVR

that'll be 30 bucks discount and the whole thing will be a wash and I was like you know what you got yourself a deal BAM 2-0 turn in this franchise around a perennial losing franchise and just like the fucking saints

I am now a factor I am now a fucking factor so in the last two weeks I got $25 back and I got $30 back I am plus 55 I'm like a degenerate that the mush in a

Bronx tale and I'm finally winning I'm plus I say myself 55 bucks do you know how many tube socks you can buy with 55 bucks it's a lot of fucking socks how great do your feet feel when you got a new pair of socks you know I never whistle

if you ever see me whistling you know I got a brand new pair of fucking dress socks or tube socks on your feet they tingle isn't that right Cleo they tingle I was hoping she was going to make the noise let me see if I can get her moan this week you guys haven't heard in a while

she's too busy sniffing the microphone anyways alright so let's get on with the fucking questions here because I gotta start wrapping this up I'm almost done here I feel great right now I feel great I told that fucking story about the guy at the diner I got to laugh at it I got to laugh at myself

I got to be honest that chances are I probably would have lost the fucking fight you know that's why stand up is a great thing it's a great fucking thing you get to make a complete ass out of yourself feel like a douche and then laugh about it and then you feel better alright

somebody needs advice alright hey Bill I got a couple questions and comments and stories this girl last year before I went to the prom with her it wasn't really a date but it was just a chance to go out with her and get to know her before we went to prom

we ended up having a great time that evening and at the prom I proceeded to Facebook her about a week later and asked her if she wanted to go out again she basically said she would like to go out again but not in a romantic way boom boom boom boom alright so now you took that emotional kick in the chest

after hearing this I backed off and didn't pursue her for a month or so and this time she got a boyfriend boom boom boom which honestly pissed me the fuck off as well it should have I had to talk to her I had talked to her for about a week

before she went out with this guy and when they finally were officially dating I told her I didn't want to cause trouble and that I didn't want to bother she replied by saying that she said she didn't want to go out again with me is because she was confused about how I felt and

seeing when we first went out before prom that I wasn't interested isn't that funny after she said let's just go out and be friends didn't she, did I already forget the first part of this we saw each other maybe two or three times again through birthdays, graduation parties until I went off to college

and she went back to high school I am now a freshman in college and have made no friends on account of my horrific skills, I feel like I should go after college girls but I can't stop thinking about the high school girl and feel like she is light years ahead of these big titted shallow college girls I also feel like she is the first girl

that I ever felt comfortable hanging out with although she seems like she would be a hard girl to, to woo as she is really intelligent and I am still unsure if she likes me at all I was wondering what you think and if you have any tips on how to really impress girls besides the cliche, confidence or expensive shit

alright dude, you said something back here that really just rang a bell wait a second, we each two or three I am, okay this sentence right here dude I am now a freshman in college and have made no friends on account of my horrific people skills alright dude

that's right there, that's the money right there, that's what you need to work on alright dude, this girl is still in fucking high school you're off at college you know what I mean? you're at college college, you're living at college that is the ultimate fucking nightclub

for the next four years it's the greatest nightclub of all fucking time is living at college there's just women everywhere they're on every fucking floor, they're in every goddamn class you don't even have to, you know, you don't have to walk into a nightclub like hey baby, what's your sign

did somebody steal the lights out of the sky and put them in your eyes right? you don't have to come up with stupid shit like that you have a, you know what it's fine, it's easy to pick up women when you're both, there's a reason that both of you are there like at the gym

you're both there to work out you're on a train, you're both going home you know, they don't have their guard up as much as when they go into the fucking Texas chainsaw massacre fucking meat locker that is a goddamn nightclub alright, so this is what you need to do

alright, I think right now you're saying, like you just said that all, basically all college girls are big-titted and shallow and I think a lot of it has to do with kind of your your hopeless feeling right now that you don't know how to talk to people and you don't know how to get things going

okay, that's part of being a freshman it's supposed to seem like a bigger universe than you can handle but what you need to do is you need to work on your horrific people skills alright, and it is a skill that you can work on, alright just like catching a football

like Jerry Rice, but if I fucking do it enough times, I can catch the fucking thing right? maybe imitate somebody's end zone dance but you're gonna get in the game, so what you need to do is understand that you're kind of putting that girl up on a pedestal you don't really know her

and I think that the comfort of kind of already having your foot in the door, I bet you were a lot more comfortable, I bet you were real comfortable with the fact that you're just kind of being friends and the pressure was was kind of taken off the whole prom and that type of thing you know, you're shy

so you take like baby steps you know what I mean, instead of taking the big step and trying to grab her titty on the first date I'm joking, but you know what I mean so this is what I would do if I was you, seriously I'm kind of fucking around here, but I know this is like a serious subject for you, so this is all seriousness, just what you gotta do

is just, you gotta force yourself out of your shell you know, I mean if you say hello to a girl she's not going to punch you in the face or whatever, just really write down on a piece of paper what's what the the humiliation

or whatever the fear you have, what you think is going to happen I'm telling you, a lot of times when you do that and you actually read it, you realize how ridiculous it is and I'm telling you they're never going to be better looking than when they're in college, all of you guys you're fucking

you're right off you're right off the assembly line in Detroit dude, fuck that college girl I mean, whatever, god bless I'm sure she's a nice person, but you gotta get in the game and you gotta start crushing ass, as they say in fucking old school, that's what you should be doing there

and go out as many girls as you can, see what you like and mentally be coming up with a list as far as what's the kind of girl you eventually want to stay with in the meantime, you're banging a couple of big titted shallow girls you always wear a condom

unacceptable, not to wear one dude it ain't fucking worth it and then you got your stories then you got your fucking stories and when you get married and you go down to the Dunkin Donuts and you want to bang the girl behind the counter

you know the temptation won't be as great because you fucked all those big titted whores at college alright, so psych yourself up dude, even like if you got some friends there at school you gotta be open about it, go god damn it I got no game with girls, just say it

get it out there, I got no game with girls come on, help me out you know, be a wingman do something, I gotta get fucking laid just get it out there, and I'll tell you as much as cock-blocking assholes as guys can be when someone's open and honest about it like that, if some guy ever said that to me

there's no fucking way I wouldn't try to help them out so, you'll be alright plus it's your first semester so you're making everything bigger than it is alright, so there you go, that's your mission get out of your shell and forget about that girl, okay after this, you know, your first two semesters

you're gonna come home with a little bit of swagger you might be able to bang that broad there when she's done with her little fucking pottery class you never know, might come off full circle alright, I only got time for a couple more questions then I gotta get going here oh, before I get going, why don't I just do this I'll save the questions till next week

or maybe I'll read a couple of quick ones just to let you know, these are my upcoming gigs for November November 6th 2009, I'm gonna be a town hall in New York City, people tickets are going fast alright, and if you act now

I will throw in a Bill Burr can opener no, seriously it's 1300 seat theater and last I heard, we already sold a thousand and that was a couple of weeks ago and I just had a flashback to that Chappelle show sketch

and word, that was weeks ago, remember that you slapped me in the face and you said that was weeks ago it's one of the greatest lines of all time alright, I'm gonna be at the town hall in New York City and the next day, I don't have it on my website November 7th 2009, I'm gonna be at Boston

at a Guinness arena, wherever the BU Terriers play doing the Dennis Leary comics come home the 15th anniversary it's gonna be great, gonna get to see a bunch of friends of mine what else do I got The Improv in Tempe, Arizona the 19th, 20th and 21st and

then what else, that's it that's all for November, then I'm in Cleveland and in Seattle, and then I do my special so please come out, please continue to support me I really appreciate it and I didn't have time to talk about Rick Flair videos, somebody brought up the Rick Flair chop, and I had not watched

Rick Flair in years and dude, if you really want to laugh please go on YouTube and just watch Rick Flair hyping his matches he said there's one of him holding up these loafers did I talk about this last week, I can't remember

look up Rick Flair Golden Spoon there's another one where he tells this guy this fucking dude that his shoes are worth more than his house and then there's a great interview you know, where he talks about the movie the wrestler, and he just seems like the

greatest guy ever like, you know, his wrestling career is over he's not bitter, he's really thankful it's just like, I once again, I became an even bigger Rick Flair fan watching it, it's R-I-C Flair

the Rick Flair flop, Rick Flair chops Rick Flair flips he's got some of the greatest fucking videos out there, and you just realize what a true legend what a fucking showman, what a just a fucking unbelievable entertainer

athlete and everything that this guy was and the fucking things that he put his body through, man, I would love at some point, that guy's ever doing a signing anywhere I'm fucking all over it you know that's it, and that's it for this week I hope you guys enjoyed the podcast, sorry

a little bit short, I'll get to the questions next week hope all you guys have a a good week oh man, that was another great question this guy was asking, why is tranny porn on heterosexual websites fuck, I wanted to answer that one too I gotta get to that one next week

alright there, I'm leaving you on a cliffhanger I'll talk to you guys next week that's it, don't take any shit goodbye football you gotta give it what you got lower up there's nothing wrong with thinking lower up

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