Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-27-22

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Bill rambles with friend and comedian Robert Kelly about his new special KILL BOX, living together back in the day, and trikes. KILL BOX available at www.RobertKellyLIve.com Thursday Afternoon Podcast: (00:00 - 42:16) Thursday Afternoon Throwback: (42:16 - 02:49:15) 10-27-14 - Bill rambles about diseases, having sex with a robot, and Cubs fans. Anything Better NFL Week 8 Preview & Picks: (02:49:16 - end) Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Les Baxter - Hell's Bells SoloStove: Go to http://www.solostove.com and use promo code BURR for an extra $10 off on top the Fall Event deals MasterClass: Get unlimited access to every class, and as a Monday Morning Podcast listener, you get 15% off an annual membership at http://www.MasterClass.com/BURR SimpliSafe: Get 40% off your order when you visit http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR 

It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Just checking in on ya, just see how your week's going. I always say this, usually I do these solos, solos? I usually do this solo, I usually do this by myself. Let me stay within the English language that I have command of, but every once in a while somebody comes to town and they're amazing and I want to have them on the podcast and this Thursday is one of those Thursdays and we're going to welcome the legendary, the

one and only, Mr. Robert Kelly. What's up man? Hello Robert. It was very professional man. I know you was Bobby. Yes. My old roommate. I've known you for fucking 30 years.

Has it been 30 years? It has been 30 years. Wow. The first night I met you was in, well wait a minute, before we get into that, let's get into the promotion here. Bobby Kelly has a new special called Kill Box that you can download on LouisCK.com and speaking of LouisCK, LouisCK made an amazing movie that I absolutely fucking loved that you can also download off of LouisCK.com called Fourth of July starring Joe List and Robert Kelly.

Yes. I loved your performance. Thanks buddy. In that movie. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to give away your... We were actually in, did our first movie together. Bobby, so well I know you, you have an eyelash and it's really going to just drive me nuts. Make a wish, make a wish.

Oh, I'm supposed to make a wish? Yeah. I hope it's a good podcast. Anyways, one of the more intimate things I've done with you, take an eyelash off your fucking face there. Dude. Yeah, we did our first movie together. You mean you did the first time we're ever on film in a movie, me and you.

Yeah. Everybody knows about the Koala Bear kid. It's the best. You can't find it. I can't find it. I want it so bad. I know you do. I want...

Dude, it was so much fun. Oh, you were great in it. You were great too. I kind of, you know, I think my whole... The scene that I did, I believe my inspiration was Alec Baldwin in that movie when he went, Who will protect you? Like, that's the level I was acting on. Somehow we were walking.

I was following you down a corridor at Boston University. Yep. We were outside. You were following me down outside in a parking lot. We both had full heads of hair and goatees. We both had full hair and you had goatees. It was the 90s. And I was a drug dealer.

You were a drug dealer from another Southie or Irish guy. I was definitely acting, right? And you took... You killed me. You murdered me. You shot me. You shot me at the end of the movie. I shot you at the end of the movie.

At the end of the movie. You shot me. No, I didn't. 100%. 100%. 80%. Dude. 100%.

No, I didn't. There's no fucking... I would have remembered if I had a gun, a fake gun. You shot me. I would have been like, I'm in the movies. 100%. You shot me. I didn't.

Dude. 100%. Because I just... I will bet you a steak dinner and a fucking cigar. Bet me a... Bet me a Daytona. Bet me a Daytona. You can't...

You know, a steak dinner. I can't eat. I killed you in a movie? That's so fucking cool. You killed me, dude. So at the end of the movie, I was in with the mob. No, here's the thing. I did the world of service.

I'm in trouble with the mob. I get away with that. Like I find that... What? I get away with that. Get away. All right. I get away with that.

And then I'm walking away. Like I made it. I did it. And there you are. And you go, hey. Something like that. And I turn around. Oh, that's right.

And you have the gun. And you look right at me. And you go, boom. And I fall and I die. End of the movie. I'm dead. So was it two days? I did the quarter and then something else?

You did two. So I think we had... You know, because you... Like... You have the clips on VHS somewhere. Me and my mom has it. You who? My mom.

This is when we used to live together. I used to do this all day long. He just says words weird. My mom. I'd be like, you what? And then he would always do it the exact way that he said it. That's why you're great. You could be a great voiceover.

Actor. Yeah. Get you in a Pixar movie. Your mom had it. Why did she have it? Because I gave her all my shit. When I moved to... When I moved to your apartment...

Okay. You didn't take anything. Because it was so... We didn't have any room. And you had shit there. We actually had a big living room. We had a big living room, but there's no place to put my shit. But it was everybody's living room.

I came to New York with a box of shit. Just a little box and some clothes. Old Bobby Little Box. The old Bobby Little Box came to New York. With a dream. Little candle hat backwards. Oh, backwards. Goatee.

Yeah. You're fucking... You had the Puerto Rican style. It was thin. I had the overalls. I was wearing overalls. Like grip bonds. That's right.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Book Bobby. Yeah. I had my little things where I gave all my stuff to my mom. And she got... She got my artwork. When I used to go to art school.

All my paintings. Were you a painting? You were painting. Yeah. I did art. I remember I went... You're such a troubled inner-city school kid. How was I troubled?

You guys always end up painting. And then you die tragically. Right as you get cleaned up. You die tragically. And then all your work is worth like a billion dollars. All my work isn't worth it. I mean, dude, I looked at some of my stuff and I thought it was so good, but it was terrible.

What was it? A real life... What is that? A still life is like... A house. No, it's like a vase with an apple and a pear and you paint it, you know. Just out of curiosity. Yeah.

Like the amount of vases you actually see in real life. Why do you guys always paint a vase and where do you find vases? Dude, I don't know. It was in school. It was in art school. So they would have a vase. The first thing I painted, I had my first charcoal class. Oh, you went in deep.

You had all the way to charcoal. I was deep, brother. I was deep. It was a nude model. It said on your schedule, nude model, charcoal. Man or woman? I showed up. It was a man.

I was very sad. It was uncomfortable because I was the front row and he was trying to have a fucking dong. It was a big dong. And my first three drawings, because you have minute drawings, 30-second drawings, and then like 10-second drawings, so to just see the first 15 seconds, look at that fucking side of that. Right? Well, the first three drawings, there was no dick.

I didn't draw the dick. And he walked by and he goes, Mr. Kelly, you have to draw the penis. And he kept coming up, did he slightly touch you on the shoulder when he said that? He slightly came up behind me, Mr. Kelly, you have to draw the penis. So I had to draw the penis. Yeah. It was a big one, too. Yeah.

Yeah. It was comfortable. I would think it would be. I wish I still had those drawings. You had to hang nice. Yeah. You can't go up with it with a grower. That was my move, dude.

Before I did stand up, I would pick girls up because, you know, I was sober. I was going to meetings and stuff like that. And I would do a charcoal drawing of the vagina. I would call it art. I would tell them I'm an artist. I'm going to art school and I would love to draw you. And they'd be like, really? And I would get to draw them.

And then we'd hook up. It was like a... Bobby was legendary. It's just like, you know, you ever see a great mixed martial artist and it's like they can fight standing up on the ground. They could just submit you, whatever you want to do. They can go five rounds. They can go into the deep water.

That was Bobby getting fucking ass back in the day. Dude, I got... Nineties, yeah. 80s, 90s, yeah. I mean, yeah, dude. You were... Yeah. It was fun.

Boston Bob was just... Boston Bob. Boston Bobby was a force. The Phoenix used to write about your excapades. The Phoenix. Like three people, three old guys from Boston, got that reference. They used to write about Bobby's pussy getting excapades. Yeah.

Back in the day was fun back in Boston. And then when I got into comedy, of course, it went over to comedy, you know what I mean? But yeah, drawing was like, girls love artists, man. You say, I'd love to draw you. What? Yeah, I want to draw you. I'm an artist. What is it about that?

I want to draw... Does that feed into a narcissism? Do they actually falsely think that you care about them as a person? What is going on? Well, I think it is... Yeah, it's them, because it's like they're beautiful women. You want to draw me? Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? You want to draw me? I had a studio in my basement. I lived with my foster father in Winthrop, and I had a studio with the foster father. He abused you. He beat you with a belt. No. Dad, I just want to...

Foster, Dad. I just want to draw. I had a foster dad, not because I needed him. They're never going to make it. Me and my mom didn't... We couldn't... After rehab, we just didn't get along. We couldn't live together.

It was too much damage, so I had to go. I had to go on my own, but I couldn't... I was in school. I didn't have... Because you put her through too much? Or... I put her through too much when I was a juvenile, when I was going in and out of jail and all that shit.

It was just too much. Things you ever said on stage? What's that? You were on stage one night at the cellar, and you were doing some bit or whatever, and this woman in the crowd was making a face, and you were like, what's wrong with you? Huh? And she goes, I don't know. No, no, no.

You go, what's wrong with you? She goes, I don't know. She goes, I just find you a little crass, and you said, oh, yeah. You were like, what were you doing when you were 13? Huh? How? Were you going to junior high? You went to the prom, blah, blah, blah.

He goes, you know where I was? I was in jail. I was in jail, so yeah. I'm a little fucking crass, and the whole crowd laugh, and then you continued on, and I remember going like, dude, that's what you need to talk about, man. Need to talk about when you were in jail, man. You're right. I do.

I never did. I never did on stage. Yeah, but I find a lot of people that actually went through that shit don't want to revisit it. Yeah. It's just not something like, you know, everybody else was like, wow, man, it's like a fucking movie, and you're like, yeah, if you're reading about it, but if it actually happened to you, it's like, yeah.

It's hard to make funny, because, and then you feel like you're making fun of it, and then there's kids that are in it, you know what I mean, that are still doing it. I did this thing on my podcast once a year where I raised money for charity, like usually it's a children's hospital. One year I, huh? You raised for what? I raised for charity. Charity.

Charity. Charity. And one year I did it for the lockups that I was in, and I brought them an Xbox, I brought them clothes, I brought them all this stuff, because I remember when Christmas time comes, you don't get Christmas presents, you don't get anything. You get bags of shit that people don't want, and you have to rummage through it and get a coat and get, you know, something out of it. I remember when I was, I was in, they brought in a bag one Christmas, I got the, remember

guests? Yeah. The upside down triangle with the question mark in it? Yeah. I got a fight with a kid over a guest, Dungaree Jacket, because it was in a bag, and we both ran for it at the same time. We both got in trouble, and the juvenile, we got like the lockup detention in it, but I got the jacket.

It was a great jacket. Was it acid wash? It was acid wash. Yeah, man. Yeah, remember that. With the question mark. It was well worth the fight. Was it the big question mark on the back?

Big question mark on the back, yeah. All the guys that, like, their parents bought them a cool car, and they were banging like one of the hot chicks in my grade, like, you know, there was only a few of them. But like, that was like a status thing. If you had, if you could afford guest chains. Yeah. There was like a gene hierarchy, okay? Like the bottom line was like Gap.

Yep. Like they were. Wrangler, too. Wrangler, yeah. Wrangler. Gap and Wrangler. Lees. That was all bottom feeder, and then you had to have Levis was middle of the road.

I'm not trying to encroach on your quarterback-ness. I'm also not a fucking nerd. You had Lees, and then at the top of the food chain was if you could, if you had on guest genes, it was like, dude, that kid's rich. Yeah, guess what? Like fucking wicked rich. Jordash was pretty big, too. He wears guest genes every day, dude.

Yeah. If you had a guest every jacket you were in, dude, he has gazelle sunglasses. Remember gazelles? Yeah. That was another thing. Ferraris. Ferraris, gazelles. Yeah.

Well, that was a big thing, and it folded up and you zippered it around. Zipped it around. Yeah. I knew a guy that had all of that shit and a Volkswagen Scirocco with a CD player, and it was like, it was like mounted, you know, the thing always like skipped. And I just was like, oh, my God, that guy's fucking killing it. Yeah, man. You know, I had I had Levi's and an 83 Ford Ranger.

I love that Ford Ranger. I have a Ranger now. Oh, yeah. I have a Ford Ranger now. Yeah, but the Ranger has come a long, long way. The old Ford Ranger, that little truck is the shit. If you get the four-wheel drive one, I worked in a warehouse and this guy had the four-wheel drive with the cool fucking rims.

Yeah. And he had it in gray. I want to say maybe a little pinstripe down the side. That was a fucking badass truck. It was a badass truck. It had a V6, which is all you need because the truck wasn't that heavy. And it was great four-wheeling and all that type of stuff. I want to get one.

I want to get one. I have that tiny house up in New Hampshire. I want to get an old Ranger like that with just two doors and leave it up there. Just to throw firewood in, the kayaks, all that shit. And what about over the winter? Where would you keep it? I keep it up there. A car tent, put it over the top of it.

Don't bears get into that shit? They always think there's food in there. No. No, no, no, no, no. If there's food in there, they'll try to get in. But there's no food. Have you run into bears? Yeah.

Bobby's a big outdoorsman. He's a fly-fisher. Yeah. They call it an angler. An angler. Angler. I'm an angler. Angler.

Yeah. When you go to fly-fishing, they'll say anglers only. That means fly-fishing only. They don't allow the worm-fishing people in. Are they looked down upon because they don't have the balls to get in the river? They're garbage people. You know, I heard one time there was a guy, he's an urban myth, you know, you wear those big fucking rubber pants.

He was doing it in the ocean. He waded out into the ocean and a wave came and it filled up his fucking pants. He'll die. And he died. Yeah. Yeah, you'll die. You have to, like, when you fly-fish, I have a stick. Why can't you just do this?

Well, you have to. I can't. You have to. Yeah. Why can't you just step out of it like a cartoon? Dude, it just sinks you down. You can't get up. Well, yeah, you got to.

Oh, because you can't get your feet out of the booties. So, yeah, I carry a knife. You have to carry a knife. Dude, they should have tear-away fucking rubber pants like NBA players like getting off the bench. Yeah, you know what? I mean, you need that stuff when you're going, I don't know why he's wearing it in the ocean unless it was cold.

Oh, man. Dude, I just remember that time you had the tear-away sweatpants on when Tony Muscato was over. Oh, yeah. All right, Bobby Kelly didn't wear underwear back in the day for whatever fucking reason. I just wasn't. So, I forget what we were doing. We were all playing hooky that day.

Neither me, Tony Muscato, and you, none of us had fucking anything to do that day. Tony was coming down to New York, and we were just going to fucking hang out, and it was a perfect sunny day. And we were talking about how fucking awesome it was, and Tony was like, yeah, this is fucking great. I said, yeah, man, it doesn't get any better than this, Tony, it doesn't get any better than this. And you came out with your tear-away sweatpants, and you go, it doesn't get any better than

this, and you fucking ripped them off. Full frontal junk. Dude, me and Tony fucking died. Died laughing. You just stood there like that with your dick hanging out, and then you walked in that little sitting. It was perfect timing. I think you went in the little room.

Yeah. Don't get any better than this. Don't get any better than this. You should do it. Don't get any better than this. I heard you guys revving it up. I miss that, man. I miss, you know, I mean, I love my family.

I love all that stuff. But I miss those days of just didn't matter where we were, didn't matter what play, didn't what your apartment looked like, just we had a place to go and hang to the point that we went and did our shows. And we were all struggling, so we were focused on that rather than that we were young and how much fucking fun we were having. I mean, dude, we had so much fucking fun. I mean, ridiculous.

Living up there on the Upper East Side, dude, way back in the day. I mean, dude, I can't believe I was trying to tell somebody me and used a rollerblade without brakes. Oh, we had the hockey ones. Yeah. We had no brakes. Can you imagine doing that now in Manhattan? With people texting?

No. No, I used to. I used to fucking rollerblade and then walk down the stairs of the subway because I hated taking them off and then having to put them back on because, oh, I know. And I used to live on, I used to live on 79th in York. That was a nice apartment. This was before, it was a studio, and they slammed a wall in it and called in a fucking one-bedroom apartment and charged me for a one-bedroom.

Then I got to know the chick upstairs, and I never hooked up with her. She fucking had the exact same apartment above me and hers was a fucking studio, and I was just going like, all right, do I have a case here? And I was just like, I know where I'm going in this fucking business. I'm not going to be petty about this shit, but they were charging me like $1,400 a month. Crazy. Wait, this isn't like $2,000 or something like that for this fucking thing. And I should have been paying like $7,800.

But I kind of just let it go. But anyway, they didn't have a second avenue subway, so you had to go York. These are city blocks. York, first, second, third, Lex, down two streets, 78, 77. I remember that. It was a motherfucker. But if I put the roller blades on, I could breeze over there. But then it was always congested.

There was a nice bagel shop right there. I still remember on the north east side of the street. It was a great bagel place, and there was just no place to sit down, take them off, put them back on. So I would literally fucking walk down the stairs holding on the rail. And you still weren't supposed to do that, but nobody gave a fuck because that's back when people were like, really shitting in public before Giuliani came in and cleaned it up.

I mean, it turned into a giant bedbath and beyond. And then we'd get off at Astor Place, and then I would fucking roll the blade over, which was fucking... Through the park, yeah. Yeah, over to the cellar. And there was a lot of potholes and shit like that. But I remember feeling like, I'm a fucking New Yorker here, man. I'm fucking rollerblading.

Well, we were, man. I mean, coming from Boston, we would go to, what, Knicks, Collins. We'd run around to Spots, and then go to Dominic's every night. Yeah. I was telling, who was I telling about that? Yeah, we used to go there. We'd do Knicks, and then we'd go, oh, Fitz. I think it was Fitzie.

We'd be talking about it. We'd go to Dominic's, because it would be like half, it would be a couple hookers or some weird people, and us. It was some drugs. And hookers. Musical theater, although those people getting out of the shows, because it was weird. It was this weird thing where it was like the theater district, and hookers and pimps, and comedians.

Would you go into this pizza place? Yeah. You'd go in there. And it was just like, I remember the late great Kevin Knox and Gav would all be posted up over in the corner, and that was sort of the Knicks section. And then across the bar was sort of the ladies of the evening or whatever coming in for like a fucking drink or whatever. And then there's just sort of weird, remember the big fat guy who used to sit out there

in the front? One of those guys whose legs were always like this, because the belly had to rest. And we would hang out front, too. We'd hang out front sometimes. I watched, I was eating a slice of pizza with Tony Moschetto again, and we watched the O.J. chase. It was me, Tony, and a cop. Wow.

And that was when O.J. had the gun that he was driving down the thing, and the cop's going, he's going to kill himself. He's going to kill himself. Watch this. He's going to kill himself. We were like, holy shit. This is fucking unbelievable. It's fucking O.J.

Simpson. Anyway, but before we go too far back into like memory lane here, where did you shoot this special at? Dude, the special, we did it in St. Pete. Louis came up to me. He's just like, yeah, St. Pete, Florida, Tampa, and he was like, I want to do your special. I was like, yeah. He goes, what do you want to do?

I go either Boston or Tampa. But I think I wanted to do it in Tampa because during the pandemic, that place saved me. You know what I mean? I could go down there and do some shows and actually make some money. Oh, they completely blew it off. Oh, they blew it off. It was so good, dude. I love them.

You needed a few states to blow it off if you didn't have the money to ride it out. If it wasn't for Tampa, if it wasn't for Florida, I would have been fucked. I mean, and they showed up. Did you, did you thank them in the line or no? I think 100%. That's awesome. I thank Tampa. I thank Florida.

The state of Florida. Yeah. Because, and I knew that I had so many fans because Mike Calter is like my number one best friend and dude, put it on sale. It sold out two shows in five minutes. It was just done. I was like, because you know, I'm like, what if I can't sell it out? It's this many tickets.

You always get nervous with that. I mean, I do and I don't know why you do it because you're fucking hilarious. I just get, I just do an idea and when they sold out, I was like, thank you God. That's just such a relief. Yeah. And you know that too, dude. You're doing, it's all relative. It is.

You know, you're doing Fenway Park and it's still like, dude, you know, oh, you can't say no to it. Do you have any of that Elvis story? No. Because that is the big thing. Every entertainer, if they're playing a fucking shoe box or the biggest place ever, it needs to be sold out or else you feel like a fucking loser. Like you can really play the Roman Coliseum and if the upper bowl is empty, you're like,

oh God. Yeah. I'm sliding down the backside. You know? So you think, you think gladiators with, you think gladiators went through it? Really? Dude, they pulled the curtain. I'm going to die in front of half a fucking crowd here.

I'm not killing a lying in front of, lying in front of 10,000 people. Yeah. Oh man. Have you ever been there? I went the first time this year. Yeah. I didn't take the tour. Yeah.

I fucking hate tours because there's always some nerd that's just way too into it. You went in by yourself. I went by myself. Me too. And I just fucking checked it out and I didn't go down. Yeah. Because there's also something weird about that where it's like, I don't want to go down and when all this suffering happened, when the fuck were we, one time we stayed at a

hotel and they used to torture people in the basement. It was like, it used to be like a jail or something like that. It's like, you can go down there and blah, blah, blah. Was that in Boston? No. This was, I don't know where it was. I was doing some run through Europe and it was one of these fucking buildings from whenever. So anyway, the Elvis story.

So he's playing somewhere in Florida or something like that during I think his fat years or whatever. This is like 20 years after he hit. Right. At this point, you got the Eagles, you got James Brown, you got all these fucking guys that are just selling crazy tickets, leaf garret, everything from pop to that type of shit. Parliament was coming on, so he wasn't selling as many tickets. So he is at this, whatever venue he was at, they had all the chairs set up and it didn't

sell out. Wow. And that was like a big fucking thing for him that he always asked it to sell out, man. And they would always have to say yes. So the promoter went in and he got guys on work release from prison to come in and take seats out and make it fatter. So they like, you know, he missed it by 1500, so they took out 1500 seats. So then when he asked, he said, did I sell it out, man?

And the guy's like, every seat is full. And he's like, all right, great, great. And then he went out there, you know, everybody has experienced that. Sure. It's, you know. It's terrible. But that's the thing that I think makes or break you as a comic, where you learn to not give into that, where you're like, all right, but these people showed up and I'm

going to fucking murder them. So they'll bring more people and you kind of have to, and you have to be able to flip that switch yourself after a certain amount of years. You can't keep leaning onto the comics to be like, dude, am I funny? Yeah, buddy, you're funny. Yeah, you got to just do it. You got to learn to be able to be like, you know, all right, you got to, I always look at it like the six round draft pick.

You see those guys in the NFL and they just have a chip on their shoulder for the rest of their day. You didn't think I was fucking good enough. I, you know, I got signed for the league minimum. You got to kind of go into that mode. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's, you know, I just love that town, you know, the people and the crowds are great, too.

My fans there. It's a cigar town, too. It's a cigar town. It's just a, it's just a good town. I like it. And they showed up town. Yep. It's a fucking casual wear town.

It's just, yeah. Ybor City gets a little shady at night. But they still got good cigars during the day. They do. But I, there's definitely, there's, I don't know what hour it is. It's somewhere around between 1030. 1030. It's around 1030.

Around 1030. 1030. It's like, I'm too old to be out here. You got to go back to the hotel. Yeah. Get the fuck out of there. This is, this is for young people. I knew that when I came out.

I was doing the improv over there one time and I went in at, in the afternoon to do the shows and it was great. Couples walking around. There was kids. They came out after the second show on a Saturday. And there was a cop with a mesh, a mesh shirt and his badge on the outside. And it was just like, just, just muscles. Like from Miami Vice.

Like some dude. I was like. I immediately thought of that. That was a Schwarzenegger movie. Yeah. With the yen. Dude. He throws this steel pipe.

Yeah, that guy. Except that guy wasn't really in shape. No, he wasn't. He was, yeah. He was just original Superman in shape. Dude, that's back where if you weren't in shape, they get put, you gave you a mesh shirt and fingerless gloves and you could still have the granny arms. They're like, all right.

That was barrel chested in shape, right? But yeah, dude, I came out. This cop was sitting there. Oh, the other guy had a leather vest on and they were just these undercover cops that were and just anarchy. And there was cops on horses. People coming out of the street screaming and yelling. Cop braveheart.

It was nuts, dude. It was nuts. Back to the pool where the hotel was. They had me in the shitty hotel over there and it was right off of the street and just helicopter's going. I'm sitting in the pool with Pete Lee. It was Pete Lee. It was the other comment.

Grand Theft Auto's going on. Yeah, dude. I swear to God, dude. We were just sitting in the pool scared because you could hear whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. And just, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, dude. It was nuts. It was crazy.

Hey, people in Tampa, they get after it. Yeah. You can't get mad at that. One of the great things, though, that I've enjoyed as far as watching you just keep getting better and better. And also, you're one of the few guys that I know is always a better person. You're on the 18th version of Bobby Kelly that is a better version. Most people, you meet him 20 years ago, you met him.

I was just talking about this comic, unfortunately, passed away, David A. Arnold. And every time I saw him, he was a better version of himself. And there's so many people. You meet him in 1999 and then you meet him in 2021 and they're the same fucking guy. They just have a double chin and they're fucking gray in their beard or whatever. And they look older. But you are always better. But oh, my God, I literally forgot the compliment I was going to give you.

No, I know what it is. Sorry, my old brain. I'm just patiently waiting. I feel like you've aged gracefully, where you understand, like it's a really big thing that I feel like especially people in show business, where you kind of live in that Peter Pan thing. Yep. And you're old, but you don't think you're old because everybody else is sort of putting

off, getting married and having kids and like, you know, taking responsibility. But like one of the greatest fucking things is allowing yourself to be old and getting the fuck out of the way of young people. Get the fuck out of their way. Let them have their good time. Don't be the creepy old guy trying to hang out or ruin their good time and be like, this is music. Get the fuck away from them.

Find where the people are of your generation, which is usually home. Yeah. But like, you know, it's usually some during the day shit, like, you know, they have a wonderful coffee shop. No, it's true. But comics, some comics, the best to me, the best part about being a comic is that we get to do that. That's a cool thing for us.

We can age gracefully. We can just be who we are on stage now, you know what I mean? But a lot of people are afraid of that. The thing about aging is, is all you have to do is just say you're old and then it's out there. And then it's like, oh. Yeah, it's like coming out. I just get this guy.

Yeah, exactly. I'm gay. Nobody cares. I'm in the age closet. Yeah, these people that are like trying to like fucking, you know, some people trying to fucking stay young. And it's like, it's like, dude, it's a wrap. Yeah, you don't have to.

It's old. It's fucking. You can literally go on stage and make fun of yourself and everybody will embrace it and love you for it and thank you because they go through the same shit. Yeah, like if you do a college gig and you try to go out there and be young and cool, it is just cringe worthy. Yeah, but if you go out there and just steer into being so much older, you got damn kids with your fucking scooters laying around like they love it.

They just think you're some idiot. Yeah. Um, no, but a lot of people, they, uh, they don't get to have a fucking old man's sweater now that I love. Dude, I was just looking at sweaters today. I was going to button with the buttons. The button. Yeah.

A jumper. Is it called? I bought it in Galway, Ireland. Dude, every time I put it on, I'm like, it's too itchy. I just pushed through that 90 seconds of it being itchy. It's fucking phenomenal. And my lovely wife trashes. I have one.

I want one. Yeah. I want a smoker's sweater. I have the little, the little Scully cap so I don't catch a cold with my Baltic. Do you really? Yeah. And I just, I just smoke my cigar and, you know, I learned, I learned, I'm trying to learn French.

Right. I just fucking. Why are you trying to learn French? Because, because I really want to be in a French speaking only movie playing a gangster. There's something, I've always loved the language. My wife loves it too. And then we just like going over there. But like, there's some fucking French actors, dude, that I will put up against anybody else.

And I just want to play, you know, somebody gets fucking whacked. Dude, I was talking to somebody about you. Because dude, you're like, have you ever had your IQ tested? I would be afraid to do that. Dude, can I just say something? Dude, you, you fly a helicopter, which is one of the hardest things to learn how to do. Not if I did it.

What are you talking about? If I can do it. Dude, you rode a motorcycle. Dude, to run them, it's, it's way harder, dude, because one up, five down is not harder than a fucking helicopter. Is it five down? So one down, four up. I had, I had one up, five down.

Okay. But here's, it's way harder because you have to like not wipe out why there's people. It's not like there's people texting while flying next to me. And I'm like, dude, dude, dude, you're up there, you're falling, you're falling hundreds of feet. No, you enter an auto rotation. What is that? What do you mean?

Well, instead of going, you just go, in theory, I mean, granted, you may go like, the second it happens, you slam the collector down and you fucking yank the cyclic bag and to keep your RPMs up. Because that's the only thing keeping you alive. You pick your fucking spot. If you're coming in too fast, you turn sideways, you add some fucking drag and you yell out the window, get out of the way. No cars, no cars, no cars.

Right through an intersection and it's a hockey stop. Motorcycle, you just go, you have no, you're just going. No, you wipe out on the road and then you roll over and look up and it hurts, hurts. Then truck runs you over, just your legs and you're like, trying to crawl off on your elbows and then somebody else comes by and, you know, you live. You live. That's the worst. Yeah.

Dude, you know how bad I want a motorcycle? I just want, like, I really, I love, it's weird, I have like a weird taste in motorcycles. I love the fucking Ducati's, but I also love a Harley Road King, right? So I want like, you know, I feel like comfortable as an American. Yeah. At some point you have to ride a fucking road. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get a trike.

I'm going to get Bobby Kelly, everybody. Bobby Kelly. This is a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. He has a kill box on LouisDK.com, 4th of July. He loves Tampa and he wants to get a trike. Dude, have you seen the trikes? Do you know what I'm talking about? Listen, you can get a trike.

If you rode a motorcycle for 30 fucking years and you have the stories and then you have that big fucking, I rode a Harley, you're in your 60s and I get it. I don't want to fucking tip over. I get it. All right. All right. But you had a Honda Shadow. You have not earned a fucking trike.

I'm sorry. All right. We're going to do. You're right. You're right. No, you make a good. All right. I'm going to do you.

You want to hear something funny? Yes. You're going to listen to me read out loud. Okay. Here's the advertising here. It's solo stove, Bob. I have one. This stove for loners.

I love it. I have it. Ciro killers love this. You know, after a fucking murder, they can sit there by themselves. That's the last one. I ain't doing this anymore. Is that the copy? No.

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Yes. I don't want to be complex safe. No, complex safe. Wrong word. Hard was the wrong word. You're correct. Complex. We both went to summer school.

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Customize the perfect system for your home in just a few minutes that's simply safe.com slash bird. There's no safe like simply safe. Right. Wow. That was good. It wasn't bad. It was great.

It wasn't bad. It was great. You just have to seem excited. So I can't get a trike. I can't. Why? Well, I'll wait till I'm 60 something. I think that was the plan anyways because me and Don wants, I think my wife is into

biker guys. She likes that tattooed guy. She likes motorcycle guys. I think I'm a kid dude. You should get a trike. Well, the two tiered seats. It's a two tiered seat. We just go cruising on the bike.

You know what I mean? It'd be fun. Who makes it? Harley makes one. Honda makes one. I'm sorry. I didn't hear the second one. Harley makes one.

That's yes they do. Thank you. Thank you. America. Stop. Yes America. Stop right there. I'm sure.

Good luck to you, sir. Live free a drive and you're going to come out there and a Honda trike. You're making valid points today. I'm just looking out for you. You're making valid points. I am. I'm going to call you more often. Shinola.

No. American made watch. Right in Detroit. Boom. What do you got? Skydweller. Rolex. Sorry man.

Jesus Christ. Look at that thing. Fucking Kevin Hart in the goddamn building here. Shinola. Shiny there. All right. Well Bob, usually I would continue to talk but we're going to go smoke a cigar. We're going to go smoke a bat.

We're going to go smoke a bat. Can we get a little lunch first? All right. Whatever you want to do. Okay. Yeah. Just a little something. A little something.

Just because you smoke a bat with nothing in you, you get a little sick. You get a little sick. Yeah. Do you know where we're going? Yeah. I'm very excited, dude. All right. Thanks for having me in, dude.

It's good to see you. Yeah. Great seeing you too. And I know you do this by yourself. It's an honor to have you in the studio. Yeah. I actually made a dream come true that I finally did an infomercial with you. I've always wanted to do that.

Was that your dream? I never told you that. I never felt close enough. I'm glad this version of me made you feel comfortable enough to tell me that, dude. Sorry. Now we're creeping everybody out. Bobby Kelly, everybody. Check out Killbox.

You can get it on LouisCK.com and check out a really, I fucking cannot say how much. I loved that movie, Fourth of July. If you're really just into just a great fucking movie that is just perfectly executed, directed by LouisCK, starring the one and only Bobby Kelly and Joe List, Fourth of July on LouisCK.com. Killbox shot in your favorite city, Tampa, Florida. Tampa. Shout out to them. That is it.

Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll check in on you. No, no. I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 27th, 2014. How the fuck you doing?

I'm actually recording this thing late. I'm recording it late and then I got to go to work. I got to go to work. Oh, Billy Dayjob. Oh, Billy Dayjob. Oh, Billy Byrne. And it both ends, you know? Something's got to give.

Why does it always have to be us? Why do you put your work first? Anyways, I don't know what the fuck that was. I am sitting here, as you can tell by the echo, echo, echo. Maybe you can't hear it, but I can hear it. I'm sitting in my living room because I'm doing this Monday morning, 8.30 my time. So this is still a Monday morning podcast where I'm from, despite all you selfish douchebags around the globe, around the planet, you know?

People do that thing. On this beautiful blue sphere that we call Mother Earth, let me know what somebody's going to lie to you. They start shaking their head when they're giving the speech. I want to thank everybody for gathering here today. Well, I got to tell you that, you know, what we got coming off and they start shaking their fucking head. Trying to charisma their way through fucking stealing all the tax dollars.

Um, anyways, I didn't do, I didn't do shit this weekend. I didn't do any stand up. Did I? No, I didn't. I just fucking stayed in trying to catch up on my goddamn sleep here, but I've been doing stand up during the week and I got a big stand up gig coming up. So I'm doing, uh, the 20th, um, annual, uh, comics come home benefit for Cam Neely, the Cam Neely house, uh, put together by Dennis Leary and the always adorable Jimmy Serpico.

Always adorable. I challenge you to find a picture of Jim Serpico where he doesn't look absolutely adorable. That is an adorable middle-aged man. Um, I got that coming up. So I got to make sure I'm on my game because I'm going to be following a bunch of monsters. I think I'm going on last, you know, and that is the deal on those things. You don't headline one of those. You go on last cause you're going on after all headliners.

So, um, it's not a lot of meat left on the bone. If you know what I mean, I can't really see myself 10 comics in being able to bring up Ebola and it's still a fresh topic. If you know what I mean, right? That's why I'm doing a bit on the mumps. Yeah. The forgotten one, dude, I got to be honest with you. I am so sick of all these diseases grandstanding during sports and every fucking place you

go. Like it's, it's all this, this God, they're marketing diseases now because they're trying to get your money for research somewhere in there. I know there's a good thought like they're trying to cure the disease, but there's a lot of lexuses, lexuses being bought off of that money. You can't tell me that there isn't because I don't give a fuck. How much you give a shit about stopping a disease at some point, you want a nice house and you want a nice car.

And if all you do is try to find a cure for that fucking thing, at some point you're dipping into the aspirin fund, right? Jesus fucking Christ, the combination of this and the, and the, and the, the fucking getting reprimanded when you watch a football game, no more, no more, no more. God fuck yourself. I'm not hitting anybody. I'm going to fuck off my TV. You fucking dopes.

What do you think of some wife beater at home who's going to see the commercial and then be like, oh, okay, you're just going to erase 20 years of bad parenting with some dumb fucking commercial with your black shirts on. It drives me up the fucking wall. You're talking to me like I'm two years old and you're also talking about this, this major fucking problem as if it's like, you know, why don't you just fucking hire one of those planes with the banner across it and just tell society how the fuck they're supposed to behave.

I'm sure that'll solve something too. Yeah, I just fucking drives me nuts. The whole fucking thing drives me up the fucking wall stand for cancer and everybody's standing up with the name of somebody that they had. All right. Who doesn't want to stop cancer? Who doesn't give to it? Do you got to interrupt a fucking the world series to remind me that there's people dying

of cancer? Sports is supposed to be my safe haven. Maybe Mike Golik was right. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, that's my Mike Golik. That's my Mike Golik. That guy is a stammer in jackass. You know, you know, you're dumb when you have to constantly bring up the smart school you went to.

Fucking dust. I know you got a lot of you guys are thinking right now, Bill, have you been smoking a lot of cigars lately? Is that what it's for? The cough? I have not. All right. Oh, freckles here actually went.

I've gone eight days without a cigar and now it's out of my system. I don't crave it right now. I let the humidor dwindle down. Is that the right word? Humidor? I say humidifiers for your voice. Humidor is for cigars and humidity is that thing that people who don't understand weather get mad at when somebody says it's not the heat.

It's the humidity. And then they go, oh, that's that's like saying it's not the bullet. It's the gun. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. If you're fucking red up on humidity, you dumb fuck. If you got out of the east coast to down south and you headed out west and you felt a dry heat versus that ungodly fucking moisture that is in the air when you have humidity.

You know, basically what happens is, is when you have hot air, that's what that's what's known as a low pressure system and the molecules get larger. It really doesn't all of this if it's just really no moisture, you know, like if you live near a fucking desert, it doesn't make a difference how fucking hot it is. There's no fucking moisture to extrapolate, you know, and bring into that fucking air. This is essentially what's going on. Okay, that's why it's awesome to fucking live out here. Now I don't understand we live near a fucking ocean.

I don't understand how some of that water doesn't get in the air, but God knows it doesn't. It does not. We live right near the Mojave Desert. I don't know what it is. No Santa Ana winds comes down through the fucking canyon. I think it just dries everything the fuck out like a giant hairdryer. So when you're out here and it's 90 degrees, I mean, it feels more like when you walk to your car that God has a microscope, not a microscope, a fucking magnifying glass right

on the top of your skull, right? As opposed to when you're back east. So it's like one part of your body is just like, oh my God, I got to get in a fucking car. As opposed to when you're back east, where you're just walking out with your arms to this, you know, straight out like you got something that you're nailed to some invisible cross just walking down the street like, you just can't escape it. You take a shower and two seconds later, you're all fucking soaking wet again.

Bill, we understand it. All right, I didn't even explain it well, but I'm a moron anyways, um, and come in. You hear that Jesus Christ. That fucking plane is close. These fucking people out here are lunatics. The way they fly. There's fucking people in helicopters and airplanes. They fly like 800 feet above the fucking ground.

It's just like, where are you going to put that thing? If you God forbid you had a fucking engine failure, huh, you're going to try and land here with all the fucking wires. Um, all right, I'm all over the place. I need to focus here. Anyways, I had another big sit down with my, uh, my contractors and all that type of shit. And we're finally, uh, on our way here, we're on our way.

We're finally getting to the final, uh, I'd say 20% of the job. That's how fucked up my downstairs was slash all the other bullshit that happens when you're building something. Um, you know, you know what kills me is right up the street. Some lady bought a house and gutted the whole fucking thing and she has workers over there seven days of goddamn week. However, I know what they're doing over there. They're flipping a fucking house.

I'm not flipping a house. I'm having a hundred percent quality. You should see, you should see the fucking plumbing I got in down there. All copper piping. It's just fine. It's gorgeous. It's almost, it's almost a fucking shame that they're going to close up the walls. That's how fucking beautiful the work is that's been done downstairs.

And this house used to basically be a house on top and a tree fort down below is now an absolute fucking fortress. And someday when I go to sell this thing, I can, I can look the person in the eye that I'm going to sell this to as opposed to the fucking, I don't even know. I honestly think the people who lived here before I just, I don't think people even understand some of them. They're actually out the fuck you over. Okay.

Like whoever put that fucking tarpon downstairs to hold back four feet of dirt or I mean four feet high level of fucking dirt or maybe three feet. I don't fucking know. All I know now is I got a concrete barrier going all the way around like I'm supposed to. Everything's up to code. I had a master electrician come in, rewire the whole fucking place. I got copper piping going through all the guy.

We chased the pipe all the way up as far as we could go. There's a few galvanized pipes sections of it here or there, but generally speaking, this house is going to be, it's going to be rock solid. And I was actually so fucking depressed with how long that this shit has been taking that last night I actually went on the internet and I was looking at other houses like fuck this. I'm out. You know, like when you're in a relationship with someone that you just love, so you can't

break up with them, but every once in a while you just start thinking, you know, what if I just went out and I bought a fucking Corvette, you know, and I just got a scarf or some shit and just started driving around and just lived for me. I started doing that with my house last night and I just looked at all the other houses and it's just like, I can see it. I can see it in all the houses I like. I like old houses and every one of them now. I don't see the beautiful house with all the character anymore.

You know what I see? I see wood rot. I see cloth wiring. I see galvanized pipe. I see a gas leak. You know, that's all I see. I see a fucking new roof. I see flashing that wasn't put in properly.

I see all of that. That's all I see now. That's all I see. I see the cracks, you know, on the walls, knowing that, you know, I see windows that aren't going to close fucking properly. That's what I would do now when I walked in to a house. If I looked at a house now, I would start opening and closing windows. I'd check the water pressure.

I'd go under the house, you know, smell for gas and all of that type of shit. And you know something? As much as I did all of that, I'd still get fucked because you can't stick your head in a wall and you have no idea what the fuck's in there. You've got no idea. You've got no fucking idea how many times over the course of the life of that house some fucking vomit or some goddamn rodent got into the fucking wall, chewed on what, left a bunch of fucking shit pellets.

I'm telling you, it's horrific. The only thing you can do is maybe buy a brand new house, a house that was just bought in case you don't know what brand new means and then even then, I don't know, something's going to fucking happen, you know, I don't know, I'm soured on the whole fucking thing and I put my goddamn life savings into downstairs and I don't think I'm ever leaving. That's it. I'm fucking done. All I need is a friend with the pool and I'm good fucking dust to put in the floors

and downstairs, which is fucking exciting and dusty all at the same time. So anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. My name is William Barr, I'm being very official this week and yeah, I didn't do shit this week. Oh, for those of you who were on the internet this week and you might have saw, we finally announced the show that I've been telling you that I've been writing on. I actually sold an animated show to Netflix, a cartoon as I like to call them, everybody calls it, it's an animated show, it's animation.

It's a cartoon. I sold a cartoon to Netflix, they greenlit six episodes. So this is a real thing. This is coming out. It's coming out. The name of the show is called Effister Family and it's about a family in 1974. All right. It's basically I'm animating my childhood stories, the people that I kind of grew up

with, nobody's in particular, just sort of the way shit was back then and I'm working with a bunch of great people who all kind of grew up in that era too. We all kind of had the same moms and dads and friends and neighbors and all that type of shit. So it's not going to lie to you, it's the most work I've ever done in this business, but also it has been the most fun of anything that I've ever done and I can't wait for you guys to see it. Unfortunately, because it is animation, it's not going to be out until a year from December,

which coincidentally enough, I think is when they're going to finish the bottom of my house. So it's all going to come together for me next year, next year in 2015, December. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane, Billy's basement is fucking finished and he's got a show, please fucking watch it, please fucking watch it. So I make money and then I'll have to buy a roof. All right. So that's coming out.

Yeah. A year from December is when it's coming out. I don't know why they announced it as soon as they do, but we got a great cast. We got Laura Dern's going to play my wife, Justin Long is playing my son, David Keckner is playing my boss and they're all absolutely fucking hilarious and we got a bunch of other people doing voices on there. And like I said, it's the most fun, other than doing stand-up, it's the most fun I had.

I can't wait for you guys to see it because I think it's going to be pretty fucking, it's pretty over the top, put it that way. And I know what you're thinking, well, Bill, how did you come up with an idea like that? Well, you know what? I used to tell my childhood stories on stage and only twisted people would laugh and the rest of the crowd would be like, oh, that's sad. So I was walking my dog one day trying to think, how the fuck can I do these things? Where people will, you know, fucking loosen up a little bit.

I was like, all right, I'll animate it, I'll do a cartoon. Those aren't real people. They have three fucking fingers on each hand and then nobody can get mad, nobody can get offended. And that's been the most fun about doing this. As we've been writing this thing, at no point have I got one network note saying, well, what are we promoting drug use? That's violence against women.

What's Peter going to say? No, nothing, because it's cartoon people. It doesn't fucking count. So there you go. So I got that coming out. I know it's a long ways off, but I'm excited about it. So I'll be talking to you. We've recorded some episodes at this point, you know, we're about halfway done.

And I can't, you know, I've just been having the time of my life doing it. So that's what I've been doing. All right. And with that, let me read a little bit of advertising here. Let's pay for the fucking basements here. All right. Sorry guys, the fucking throat. I know it's annoying.

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Not a child when I was first starting to shave, you know how much money I've fucking blown on razors? I don't even want to know. I don't even want to know. It's too scary. All right. All right, NFL football talk to all the ladies just, you know, walk away from the podcast at this point.

All right. Go make some goddamn pumpkin pie, you know, go put on an apron and some horseshoes and walk around the kitchen like you used to when relationships worked. Okay. Before you a bitch moaning and complaining at me during the football, both from the kitchen and on my television set. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Jesus.

What's wrong with you? All right. Let's talk about, um, let's talk about my New England Patriots. Huh? How'd you like that? Chicago? Huh? That was for Super Bowl 20.

I hate when people do that. When they think that you can get revenge for a playoff game, playoffs, a playoff game during the regular season, um, I'm going to go out on a limb and say, uh, that was just a bad game for Chicago. I'm not saying they would have won the game, but come on. That was fucking ridiculous. The end, the final like five minutes of the second quarter, there should have been no announcers.

They should have just been playing Benny Hill music anytime the fucking bears had the ball. Well, you know, we scored 21 points in like four and a half minutes. It was, I didn't even, I didn't even watch the second half put it that way. Put up a 50 spot on them, five, zero. And you know what? As much as I want to rub it in their face, who beat who in the Stanley Cup finals? Who beat who in the Super Bowl? Exactly.

There you go. There you go. So no Chicago fan should feel sad. That's not one Chicago fan out there. That should feel sad. You guys have had a lot of success. You had Michael Jordan, right, 85 bears. The bears is a little rough, you know, but you got the, the black Hawks are making up

for it. And all you Cub fans, I don't have, you guys, do you, you don't even care. You started caring when some fucking nerd wearing a Walkman touched a foul ball and you all piled on him like, like the fucking pussies you are Chicago Cub fans. What about the other six guys standing around or also reached up for the ball? It doesn't matter. Were they out of your weight class? You wanted that guy with his little hat pulled down over his head.

You fucking punks. I don't have any sympathy for Chicago Cubs fan because they don't even give a fuck. They've only given a fuck for like the last 10 years. But other than that, it's just been take your shirt off and let's have a keg party. Nobody cares. You're on. They're almost like an honorary baseball team like, ah, you know, just this represent the fact that people like the game.

You know, the white socks fans, they care. They give a fuck. It's written all over their goddamn faces. You know, they still miss their old ballpark. They hate that new place. You see them coming in with their heads down, going, look at this stupid ass fucking thing. You know, we had a classic fucking car and we traded it in on a Ford Taurus. What the fuck did we do?

You know, see, you can feel for those guys. They give a fuck. Chicago Cub fans do not give a shit. All right. So if you're a tourist, if you ever go to Chicago and you run into somebody, you know, and they got a passion for what they're doing, that's a white socks fan. If you run into just some fucking jerk off, you know, sitting there wearing loafers with no socks, you know, and some silly fucking, let's play two hat.

That is a Cub's fan and they are not to be respected. See what I did there, people? Not only did we just beat them, I just caused hopefully some arguments right now between people in Chicago. That right there was a terrorist act right here in the podcast and you listen to it because you didn't do anything because you didn't hit stop. You actually became a part of it and now you're liable. What do you think about that?

All right. I actually, you know, as well as the Patriots are playing and they look great. How the fuck are we number one in past defense? I had no idea. I've been watching every game. I would say, and I'm like last in the run or some horseshit like that, so I actually think this next week when we play the Broncos, you know, if we win decisively, then I'll actually believe in this team as far as their ability to possibly, you know, go deep into

the playoffs and maybe make a run at this thing. But I got to be honest with you. Who the fuck is good this year in the NFL? Who's like, like without a doubt fucking good, like look at the fucking Seahawks. I don't know what the hell happened to them. They've won like four games this year. I don't know how many games we're into at this fucking point. What are you, eight weeks in?

Let me try to pull this shit up here. The standings. Like I would have thought the Steelers were going to, we're going to lose the fuck were they playing? I don't even remember. I'm the horse. What do I do? This shit.

What the fuck are the Seahawks? Seattle Seahawks are four in three. You're telling me the Arizona Cardinals six and one, like as a Patriots fan, I got to sit there and think if we make it to the Super Bowl, holy shit, we might play the Cardinals. Look out for those lions. I'm not even buying the Eagles. I don't believe in their coach or their quarterback. I don't think, I don't know that anybody's good.

The Giants are three and four. I don't know who the rate is. Oh, and seven Broncos is six and one. I think they could actually, I don't know. I think we would have a tough time obviously with the Broncos, we'd have a tough time with the Colts. I don't get the Bengals. I don't get them.

Everybody was talking about how they were fucking unbelievable and then they came into Foxboro and got the living shit kicked out of them. It's Cincinnati. They're never going to win anything. You ever just look at a uniform and you're just like, you're done. You're never going to win a Super Bowl. The Cincinnati Bengals. It's fucking over.

They look like they're, remember that Broadway show Cats? That's what they, if you put a helmets on those fucking dancers to dream the impossible dream, you know, they could do that. Why am I being a dick? You know what? Cause I got to, I got to fucking blow through this podcast and I got to go to work and I'm fucking, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not in day job shape. I haven't had a day job since 1995 and I got to get up every morning, pack a fucking lunch

like a jerk off. I'm just fucking with you guys with all your teams. I actually feel, feel really bad for the Raiders, man. Oh, it's seven. What the fuck? I watched a little bit of that game yesterday. How about that Browns defense? Huh?

Their offense sucks. One guy goes down on the O line and all of a sudden everybody rolls over the fucking pockets collapsing. I love it. They go, yeah, you know, it was a major injury. Really? So then everybody sucks on the offensive line. I don't understand that, but their defense looked phenomenal, but granted they were playing

their Raiders. Um, all right, let me just get, let me bail out of this. I obviously don't know shit about football this year, despite the fact I've watched almost every week. Uh-oh. I see movement. Is that the lovely Nia? The lovely Nia.

Hey, what's going on? I just get the wave. She's coming in. Um, anyways, oh, you know what I did yesterday over the last two days because it's, uh, it's Halloween. I get up for the holidays. I think it's very important to, uh, start traditions around the holidays. You know what I mean?

It reminds you of your childhood. You create new memories, right? So I made six loaves of pumpkin bread. I've been handing them out to my friends like a fucking drug deal, you know, because they're wrapped in foil. It just feels like you got a brick of weed, you know, riding around in my, my fucking, I'm riding around in a Prius with one of those, uh, save the earth grocery bags. The cloth ones filled with pumpkin bread, dropping it off to friends.

Okay. If you can be any more effeminate and still be straight, if you can top that, I want to know what it is. That's your homework this week. I want you guys to send me an emails that you feel that there's something beyond driving a Prius with a cloth grocery bag filled up with pumpkin bread that you made dropping it off to friends. And I want you to find something that's more effeminate than that as a straight guy.

And don't just tag onto what I just said and add like skipping, you know, I'm going to fucking just go hack up whatever the fuck is in my mouth. Hang on a second. Hang on. Well, let me just hit pause here. All right. I'm back. Sorry about that.

Jesus Christ. I should have done that 20 minutes ago. I can't imagine how many listeners I've lost. All right. What am I talking about? Oh, yeah. Making the pumpkin bread. Dude, I got it down now.

You make six loaves of pumpkin bread. You can do that shit in your sleep. I found this giant fucking whisk that we got as a wedding gift. You know, my wife registered it, you know, you know, they always register it all at that shit that you think is a guy you think is dumb. Like, why do we need all this, you know, why don't we register at the flat screen TV store? We don't do that yet. You register at like wicks and sticks, you know, get a bunch of fucking candles, you

know, glasses and plates and all of that shit. And then all of a sudden it arrives and you're like, ah, Jesus Christ, we got to cut all this shit up. And the next thing you know, you got a stocked fucking kitchen and you're looking at that big dumb stupid fucking whisk going, what, look at the side, I want to make it a fucking big, I want to make some pancakes for the green giant, what do I need a whisk this big for? I'll tell you when you need it, when you're making six loaves of pumpkin bread and you're

standing on a fucking chair just stirring that, stirring that shit. I gotta admit, I fucking love bacon. It's just, it's like controlled, like playing in like a mud puddle. It's like you're being a little kid again. And I got to tell you, it's delicious and I ate a bunch of it and I'm not liking the shape I'm in right now. I'm fucking Billy fat again right now. It's fucking driving me nuts and I got to start working out again.

And someone told me the other day, what are you talking about? You look good. You look good. It's like, no, I don't. I have a shirt on. Most people look good when you put clothes on them. You know, when you're hiding the mistakes and that's basically how you stay in shape. You know, every night before you go to bed, you take your shirt off and you look at it.

You look at the damage that you created in the mirror and you do every sort of bend you can possibly bend to the side, bend to the other side, right? Stand to the side, you know, bend over at the waist and you just see that fucking spare tire. Just grab a whole fucking handful of it. Look at you. You fucking piece of shit. Huh?

I'm out of little willpower. That first half was bullshit. We're going to get out there in the third quarter. You get fucking psych yourself up. You psych yourself up. It's all about the next goddamn day when you wake up in the morning. That's like you're coming out of the locker room at halftime, all right? And what are we going to do?

We're going to make some halftime adjustments or are we going to go right back to the frosted flakes? What are you going to do? Are you going to make some red velvet pancakes? You tub of shit? Huh? Are you going to get some grape nuts and have a banana? You're going to make some oatmeal.

That's what you need to do. Get the fucking oatmeal. What is that shit that I'm telling you, dude, it's, it's, it's a, it's, I used to never believe that food is a drug. It's 100% a drug. And you got to fucking, when you start eating badly, you got to force yourself to just fucking eat a salad and it just fucking stops those cravings like dead in the track. It's a fucking, it's a stiff arm right to the sugar, salt bullshit.

You know, same thing with working out. I didn't work out for like at least like 10 days and I kept sitting on the couch as I'm watching sports going, Bill, just fucking drop the floor and just give, you know, bang out a hundred pushups. And I just, I'll do it tomorrow. I don't feel like you don't cause you, I mean, eating like shit. I'm eating pumpkin bread. I got that shit in my body and it's, it's fucking eating away at my brain.

And as, as, as the smart part of me is going, go on, Bill, get up, go for a walk, you pasty tub of shit. Right. The pumpkin, the pumpkin bread is getting stronger. It's in there. It's guy, don't listen to him. Sit on a couch. Come on.

You earned it. You've been working hard. Right. So yesterday I finally got off the couch and my body's screaming, no, I want to do it. I want to do it. And I just forced myself and within five, six of them, you know, you get that, you start getting that rush that you're working out. You know, you stand up after what it, banging out a set of 25, 35 or whatever, right?

You get up and all of a sudden you feel good. You start strutting around, you know, first down, right? Like you just made a nice fucking catch on third down, saving the drive. You drop down, you do another 35, you start thinking, dude, I'm going to get fucking shredded. Huh? I'm going to wear that Mark Wahlberg fucking underwear, walking around all shredded, right? You start thinking shit like that, just after two sets. But if you didn't override that fucking McDonald's in your brain and you just sat there, you

know what you're going to do? You're going to add another fucking layer of fat and you're going to go into the bathroom at night, hanging your head when you brush your teeth because, you know, you don't want to look at it. Now you got a t-shirt on. You can see it coming through your fucking t-shirt. You can't hide that shit, right? That big pile of mush clinging to your fucking rib cage, awful, looking like a fucking, I

don't know what, I get to a certain level of shape. I just feel like I should be tied to the wrist hanging from a tree and be used as a pinata Oh, it's disgusting. I was just thinking that you fucking beat me and candy comes out of my ass because I've been eating so bad. I'm sorry. Whatever. What do you want from me?

So now I'm back on the stick. So, you know, all I did was I did a hundred push-ups and I woke up today thinking about doing pull-ups. Had I not done that, I'd be fucking out there eating pumpkin bread. No, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to eat another slice of it. Oh, and I'm putting butter on it. All right, but you just got to refuse to get past a certain point.

You have to have a fucking line in the sand. A line in the butter, well, you're just like, I'm not going past this, I'm not going past this shit. So, you know, whatever, I'm talking about trying to stay in shape, which obviously now I can effortlessly segue into the Ebola panic. All right. I'm sitting there watching 60 minutes, okay? And I got all these famous people telling me that they're tired of me beating women,

all these women that I'm not beating, all right? I'm watching the World Series. I'm being reminded that people lose people to cancer every day, which is always nice. You know, when you're watching the national pastime, take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, I just lost my mother to throat cancer, boo, I mean, what the fuck are you doing? I don't want to see that during the fucking game. Can we just have like the cancer channel, like the disease channel, you know, and every

once in a while, I'll fucking click over there and I'll write, you know, send in five bucks or whatever the fuck I got to do. Do you really have to interrupt it? Am I out of my mind that I think it's unbelievably fucking selfish to do that to people? What are they, what are the fuck are they going to do next? You got to crash some little boy's birthday party, happy birthday to no more. No more. She fell face first into a birthday cake.

Lady, he's five years old. Hey, just in case you haven't heard everybody, it's not okay to hit a woman. Just in case you're a little confused, cocaine is bad for you. Just to let you know, when somebody dies of cancer, there's people that love them and they miss the person afterwards and it's very painful. Just thought we would remind you that while you're trying to watch the Kansas City Royals and the San Francisco Giants, so then, you know, is if all of that shit, this is bread and circus time, this is mouth breed of time and you're coming in here bringing up the

horrors of the world, right? So I'm watching the four o'clock game and all they keep doing on CBS is they keep hyping on 60 minutes that they're going to be talking about three or four nurses, three of which are guys, right? Which means the three ladies that were going to be nurses are now doctors, which as far as I can tell is three out of four nurses are now men and three out of four doctors are now women and they're still bitching, all right? And don't even tell me my math is off on that because we're the fuck we're all the female

nurses. There's no way to be found because they bitch moaned and complained to get themselves to hold the scalpel now. Now what the fuck are we doing? We're walking around changing bedpans and they're fucking coming on my football to tell me not to hit you. You want to take a bedpan right across your back like wrestling with a steel chair, taking all the doctor jobs.

You women got a lot of nerve. Anyways, so what do they do? They start fucking hyping. They start hyping that they're going to talk to these four people that were near in a Bola patient who didn't catch a Bola and how fucking scared they are. You know what's funny? The people who actually caught a Bola, how many have even died? You know?

You know what a Bola is? A Bola is the Cincinnati Bengals of diseases. They started fucking strong. Everybody thought they were a contender, right? They knocked the ice bucket challenge right off the map. Everybody was talking about fucking ALS ice bucket challenge and then comes a Bola, right? Like if it was a nightclub, a Bola comes walking in a little hotter, shoes a little whorrier, right?

And everybody starts looking over at that bitch walking into the fucking club. And then ALS is over there with the ice bucket going, wait a minute, I'm doing the wet t-shirt thing over here. You guys don't like this anymore? Sorry, ALS, there's a better looking whore on the pole. So now everybody's over here looking at this fucking Ebola shit. We're going to be fine, everybody. This is the deal.

Let's just say, let's just say a couple hundred thousand people die of Ebola. All right? You know, we have like over 300 million people in this country, okay? So the way I look at it, it's like you got a giant football team here. Ebola takes out 200,000 people. That's like when you make your final cuts in the pre-season. Now we got, we're a little more streamlined, all right? Who's gonna do it?

If you get Ebola, you're weak, you're a weak person, okay? You don't have the intestinal fortitude. You don't have the mental toughness, okay? To fucking survive in a world of diseases, okay? And when you get Ebola, why don't you have the fucking decency to not go to the fucking airport, all right? Just walk down the street, into the woods, and just bleed out by yourself like a gentleman. Why can't you do that?

Is there a reason for that? That's my question. I'm gonna take college here in 20 minutes. How far into the semi? This fucking absolute horseshit. All right. What have I talked about? Oh, man, I've been watching a little bit of hockey.

This is such a tough year to try and keep up with everything. I've been really watching the World Series, though. I missed most of game four. I think I did. I was watching something else. I forget what, but Jesus, Kansas City came back. They lost the first one. For those of you not watching, they came back.

They won game two and three. They're up two games to one. Up two games to one, right? And then they go out to, actually, they won the first game in San Francisco. And then I was hoping that they were gonna win either one game four or five, and they didn't. They lost them both. It was like the giant, I don't know if there's a way to make a halftime adjustment, but that's

what it looks like. The Giants did. I just think that they ran into some tough pitching and, uh, so who knows, who knows? But, um, I don't have any sort of feeling on this series. Like I don't feel like if KC wins game six that they're going to win game seven, I hope they do. I like the Royals. I also really like the Giants too.

So I'm not being a dick to people in San Francisco. It's just, you know, I just saw the Giants win 2010, 2012, um, and it was great to see that. Um, but I'd like to, you know, like to see KC get one. However, if the Giants win, um, that's three World Series in the 2000s and they would join the Boston Red Sox. We won 04, 07, and, uh, 2013, um, because basically somebody is going to be the Yankees of this, uh, century.

Someone's going to be the one who won the most fucking, uh, you know, team of the century, basically. How many, how many World Series, how many, how many, how many World Series do you think it's going to take to be the, uh, the team of this century? Because now that you got 30 fucking teams, what's crazy is if Kansas City wins this year, the fact that it took them 29 years, they're actually on average, mathematically, you know, you got a one in 30 chance of winning now, that they would be, uh, that for them to win one in 29 years, they actually came in a year early.

My math fucked up on that. I'm sure it is. I'm not the smartest guy out there, especially when it comes to the fucking arithmetic there. Um, I'm actually thinking if you won, if you won 12, maybe, if you won 12, I would think that you'd get it at this point with 30 fucking teams. That's waiting better than one a decade. Um, so like right now, the Red Sox are ahead of the curve. I can't believe I even get to say that after all the shit they went through is they've

won three. They're actually good through the 2020s. And I think we're going to get another one before then. Um, I think the Yankees are, uh, I don't know. I think that they're all, all of those teams, the Celtics, the Yankees, the Canadians, all of those teams that won like fucking nine zillion titles when there was like fucking 15 teams in the league of 10 teams in the league, uh, you know, that's over like back in the day when the Yankees used to win titles.

Do you know when, when you won your division, that was winning the pennant. They had so few teams that there wasn't another division you had to play. Forget about two rounds of fucking baseball, best four out of seven to get to the final thing. Now I'm not, you know, fucking with the Yankees legacy because it's the most legit thing there is considering Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantel. No one's ever going to have a fucking run of players like that again. You're lucky if you go back to back, um, with two unbelievable players.

Forget about four in a row, um, but nobody's going to win at a clip like that again. Like I don't see anybody ever catching the Yankees, like how bad the Yankees would have to nose dive and they spend in like, you know, 200 million a year. I think they've, they've lowered their, their yearly average at this point, but generally speaking, they spend roughly 200 million bucks a year. If you do that year after year after year, uh, you know, you're going to win a couple here, a couple there and you're going to stay out front. I, because I think the closest that is to them is I think the Cardinals and they got

like 11, 10 or 11, I can't remember what, and that puts them like a good 16, 16 behind. It's over. No one's going to catch them. No one's going to catch the, uh, the Canadians, um, both of them are just two out and far in front, but then with basketball, like I think the Lakers are going to overtake the Celtics just because of, uh, people would rather play in LA, like Boston and LA are equally racist. Um, and a lot of people don't think that just because for some reason we get all the attention,

you know, despite the fact that they have fucking riots out here and that police are constantly fucking murdering people. Um, I would say, yeah. So then it just comes down to better weather, um, and celebrity pussy. I mean, right there. And you know, yeah, it's basically what do you want to do? You want to play in the racist town with the bad weather and, uh, the potato faces or do you want to come out here with the, uh, plastic surgery ass and the great weather with the

racism? I mean, it's a no fucking brainer. They're going to come out here. Um, so I don't know unless we go on some sort of a fucking run. That's the only real race that there is. And for those of you who don't keep up on it, the Celtics have 17 and the Lakers have 15 plus a BAA championship that they have to count as an NBA championship for some fucking reason.

I don't, I don't understand that. I don't understand how I've said it before. I don't understand how the fuck you can win an NBA championship before the NBA exists. It's unbelievable. But you know, it's LA. That's what you do. I'm a director. I got 16 championships.

All right. Uh, let's, let's read a little bit of advertising here. Oh, by the way, oh, by the way, if, um, let me get this out of the way here. If you would like to buy my, uh, my stand up comedy album and you do not live in the continental United States, um, my record is available for international orders at thirdmanrecords.com thirdmanrecords.com th i r d man records.com. You can order it there and, um, reminders for the listeners of the podcast, the email to ask me questions is bill at the mm podcast.com bill at the mm podcast.com.

All right. Let's get into, uh, let's get into, uh, some questions here for the week. Um, all right. Shaving in the steam room. All right. What do we got here? Bill, you like steams after my workout. I like to take a steam.

What I find is people coming in and shaving in the steam room. What the fuck dude? People are just they're fucking animals, man, fucking animals. There's a sign outside, no shaving, but it must be for someone else. You're a quick-witted guy. What backhanded response can I give these assholes when they come in and start shaving? Am I the most negative guy ever that I took your, you're a quick-witted guy as an insult? Hey, Bill, you're a quick-witted guy.

Why don't you write me a fucking comeback? What am I on the writing staff for your life here, sir? Um, what would you say? I would sit there in the steam. You're like, buddy, there's no shaving in here. That's disgusting. We all have to use it. What's wrong with you?

You fucking animal. Oh, look who's here. Look who's here. Everybody. It's me, Nia. Making appearance for the first time in a while. People thought you'd dump me. Get over here.

I only have one microphone. Don't touch the fucking mixer. What are you doing? Oh, Jesus. I'm in the other room listening to you screaming like a moron about God knows what. What are you yelling about? Again? Nia, this podcast is, uh, it's an important thing.

I got to bring the energy. I got to bring the laughs. I know. It's literally Monday morning and you're like, oh, I'm putting butter on it. Fucking screaming about pumpkin bread. It's nine in the morning. What does it matter with you? Seriously.

And when someone calls Asi for a nice quip or something to say to somebody, you get an attitude about it. What's the matter with you? I don't know. Look at, look how it's written. Tell me I'm wrong there. Somebody was shaving in the steam room. How gross is that?

That's disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. They should literally just put a collar around that guy and stick him in a fucking cage. Take him down to the pound. Yeah. I mean, you can either just go straight up to him, like you said, a buddy, there's no shaving in here. That sounds like exactly what you would say.

You would definitely say, hey, buddy, in that really fucking tense way. No, I would. Or you could like, you know what he should tell on them to the, uh, no place and get them banned or something. You know, you, you stand up here, we're getting reports that you're, you're shaving in the steam room. And sir, well, you've been warned several times about this. We're gonna have to ask you to leave.

Can I have your, your locker room key, please? No, the guy initially denies it. I wasn't shaving in there. And then the guy like gently reaches out and touches the side of his face. Come on. We both know. We both know there's no way your face is going to be that smooth unless you're shaving. You know what the guy, the guy should do is just stand up and start peeing on his leg.

Now, that's what you do. You say, yeah, no, you say, sir, there's no shaving in here. And if he has an attitude, then you pee on his leg and then you both get kicked out. And it's just, then you make the news go, go, go, like that TMZ a man was shaving. I wasn't going to make the show. Let me get a tighter shirt. The man was shaving in the steam room with this other guy. He gets somebody pees on his leg.

No way. No way. That doesn't happen. That's my TMZ impression. I hate that you watch that stupid fucking show with all those goddamn geeks standing around. I don't watch it on a regular basis, but I do. I watch it from time to time to get caught up on the, on the celebrity T. I have never seen, however long it seems like it's an hour long, an hour long of nothing.

Yeah. Just watching people coming out of restaurants. Mm hmm. You know? Hey, Sean Penn, what do you think about Ebola? And he's just like, what? I just had some muscles. Oh, Cleo.

Cleo wants to be on the podcast too. All right. All right. All right. All right. It was going off the rails. It's going off the rails here. Get down.

Get down. The original cock block. Anytime we hug, the dog comes over like, I want to be a part of it. Go lie down, mommy. Go lie down. Get over there. Get over there. Stupid.

Don't call the dog stupid. Oh, that dog. I fucking love that dog. You don't even understand. All right. I don't understand. Yeah, you don't understand. I do understand the way you throw yourself on top of her and go, oh, Cleo is loud as possible.

It's one of my favorite things to do. You can't stop doing it. I know you do it constantly throughout the day. You do it like 10 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not going to defend myself. It's like, how do you not go over and hug your dog? That's what I do.

I always go, all right, she sees me coming over. She lays down on her side and I just grab her and I squeeze her and I scream, oh, Cleo. Yeah, you get her all in that fucking state. You know, and who takes her for a hike every fucking day? Me. Yeah, you do. But you also like literally you walk into the room and she's like up on her feet and she's like, like you, you're giving the dog your energy, your manic energy.

That's true. I know. I'm a fucking psycho. What do you want from me? But you know what? I don't shave in the steam room. So what? What would I say to this guy?

I would say, I'd be like, buddy, there's no shaving in here. That's fucking gross. Yeah, that's disgusting. Yeah. What's wrong with you? You little stupid whiskers are going to be there on the floor. You fucking animal. Dude, I swear to God, I swear to God.

The fucking animals that go into steam rooms. Fucking animals. Fucking guy like cleaning his toenails or his dead skin off of his feet. Just sitting there scrubbing it. Yeah. Yeah. No, you know something? I only think that that's 10% of people that go into steam rooms.

I think the rest of us, we need to speak up. We're just sitting there silently and they're not saying anything. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? That's gross. Sitting there yelling to somebody. You both got your dicks out. I try another thing. Things flapping around.

All right. Remaining positive. Hey there, Billy boy. Yeah. I'm a 23 year old recent college graduate who's dealing with a bit of depression. Having never dated, finding it hard. Did I write this? Having never dated, finding it hard to get a job and having no actual goal in life.

I'm finding it hard to keep motivated to do anything. I normally eat well and go to the gym, but that's the only healthy habit I have. I want to be enjoying my 20s, but because I've accomplished nothing, not even having formed any relationship with any girl. It's hard to smile and remain positive. Do you get into these sorts of funks and what advice would you have to get out of it? Any advice from you or the lovely Nia would honestly make a major impact on my life? No pressure.

Yeah, buddy. Jesus. Yeah, I literally could have written that at 23 years old. I was basically in the, essentially the same boat. Had no fucking. I was still living at home. Had no girlfriend. Commuted all the way through college.

I didn't have any college friends, never went to any of those parties or any of that type of shit. And I was actually flailing wondering what the fuck I was going to do with my life. I tried sales. I worked in warehousing. I had a job at a dental office and none of it was making me excited about going to work. And I started thinking like, oh fuck, am I going to be that guy? That guy that just does a fucking job that he hates. I don't know.

I just started every day. I don't know. Just trying to think what I wanted. What did I want? And don't look at it with judgment or think that something's impossible. Like whatever you want to do to be sitting there thinking like, oh, I can't do that. I could never do it. You can.

You can. I am an absolute moron. And if I can make something happen, you definitely can. I would say that. I don't like how you laugh when I said I'm a moron. You are a moron, but I think you just gave really, really perfect advice. That's great advice. You got to figure out, yeah, what is it that you really, really enjoy doing?

And maybe there's a way to actually make a living at it. Like Bill. Yeah, this is what you just start doing it. You just start fucking doing it. And then eventually it turns into your job. And all you do is just, I think what most people do is like say they're thinking like, I don't know, pick a job. That's fucking, you're like, oh, I could never do that.

I'll just keep it in entertainment. Say you wanted to get into like broadcasting, I guess, announcing games and you start thinking like, oh my God, I want to announce NFL games. How the fuck do I get there? So you start, you know, I would think you'd start doing high school games, literally games. I would do anything. I would just, if no one was hiring me, I would just show up at little league games. With a fucking sport coat on and set up a table and I would just start doing it.

I would go down to pick up basketball games. That's not creepy at all. And I would just start showing up at the little kids game like, here I am. I know, because now, because there's pedophiles, there's always been pedophiles. What am I, and here I am, I'm going to what? Start molesting a kid as everyone's sitting there. I would just start doing the game like it was a major league baseball game. The parents would love it.

You could go down to like the basketball courts. I would just anything just to be doing it. That's like your open mics. I'm not getting paid. I'm learning how to do this shit. And then, I don't know, start taking some classes at a broadcasting school. You just, every part of your day becomes announcing. You know?

Right. When I had day jobs, I used to sit there doing the job and I would be any funny fucking idea ahead. I would just write it down and then I would go try it out somewhere. And I just kept doing it and doing it and doing it. You just start marching towards it and you don't look at like, well, hey, I just fuck. I'm doing high school games. I'll never get to the NFL. Like, most people don't get there because they want it in a week.

Dude, they're fucking helicopters. They're going to fly into the fucking house around here. They're crazy. I don't know if you guys could just hear that shit. They, yeah, you just, every single day, you just, you just, I don't know. Look at this stupid ass podcast. I just kept doing it every Monday and all of a sudden, you know, I got a bunch of listeners. I'm curious about, because I'm trying to, you know, I'm always trying to like read between the lines.

And he goes, I normally eat well and go to the gym, but that's the only quote unquote healthy habit I have. What does that mean? Well, I don't want to start. I'm just, I'm just curious as why that got thrown in there because I don't know if that means that there's things that he's doing. That he is not healthy because the rest of it doesn't really, I don't know. I normally eat well and go to the gym. That's the only healthy habit I have. Like it's, or it's like the only thing like habit I have.

It's just like working out and going to the gym, but I don't have any other like things like this. The healthy in quotes is a concerns me. Well, I think he's really hard on himself. So he's got to lighten up on himself. So even when he's doing something, even when he's doing something positive, he still puts it in quotes. He won't give himself credit for that. It sounds like you maybe he had some negative parents who told you the world was a lot more difficult than it is. I would, I'd also work on like just paying attention to the thoughts in your head.

That's how, because I was never clinically depressed, but I was definitely, I had definitely bouts of depression and funks and that type of thing. I felt like shit yesterday when I was watching the game and I did a hundred push ups and, you know, three sets. Okay. Not actually like I actually dropped down. I would have had a heart attack. No, no, I did. I did set a three and I got to a hundred, 105 actually sets at 35. All right, you fucks.

No, but I immediately felt better. I immediately felt better. And also you're 23 years old. You have a long, long time to figure out what it is that you want to do for the rest of your life. You know what I mean? And it's probably going to change several times. So maybe you just graduated college and you're like, oh, I majored in business. I don't want to get into business.

I really want to, you know, be a veterinarian or something like that. And I think that Bill's right. You should. And I want to do it. I would immediately start picking up roadkill off of the side of the road. And I'd try to see if I could bring it back to life. So I'm reviving it. So I'm reviving that dead cat on the freeway.

No, no, just, yeah, you're fine. You're 23. You got your whole life ahead of you. You know what can be worse, dude? You could be in a relationship and you fucking knocked her up. And now you're tied to her for the rest of your fucking life. And then you got to go get a job. It's someplace you don't want to work at.

So the fact that you don't have anything going on in your life is fucking awesome. There's nothing holding you back. You can just now you can, you actually get to decide. You know how many people would want to be in your fucking position? 23, no girlfriend, you know, no fucking mortgage, no bullshit, none of that stuff. It's just you do fucking, you know, figure out what you want to do and go after it. And tell that negative thought you had to go fuck yourself. There you go.

That was like a Dr. Phil episode. There you go. That solves all your problems. When we come back, I yell at more men. You work at, yeah, just work on yourself. The rest will, the rest will come together. Don't worry about the girl part yet. Just get, get your own shit together.

I already said that. Why did you feel like you, you keep trying to say, you keep trying to say, like you keep trying to be the person who says the last thing. This is my podcast. So then I wrap it up in my ear. I wrap it up. You wanted me to come in here. You wanted me to come in here.

I did. So stop giving me shit. Read the next question. All right. Artificial intelligence. Also known as Bill Burr. Oh Jesus. Artificial intelligence and it's, as long as there's intelligence in there, I'll take

it. And it's impact on humanity. Bill, dear Bill Boo Baggins. What are your thoughts on Tesla founder Elon Musk's warnings on artificial intelligence? I just love the fact that you think that I actually read it. He said that through recursive self-improvement, simple tasks like preventing spam could lead to an AI determining humans are the problem. It's just like a sci-fi script.

I know. Okay. Yeah, I get it. I'm totally interested, but I don't know what's going on here. Artificial self-improvement means it could reason with itself. Oh, this is like when you make a computer that like has emotions like a human being. Well, no, it's like, like he's talking about, we're trying to get rid of spam and email and stuff, but whatever program is like, wait, there's a human being behind the spam.

There's a, there's a human being behind the Nigerian Prince scheme or the, oh my God, friend. Captain Denmark and I've had my passport and all my money like taken from me and I don't think that is. I think he's talking AI. Simple tasks like preventing spam could lead to AI artificial intelligence as a computer. Yeah. It's a robot determining humans are the problem.

Yeah. Okay. So how is there a guy in Nigeria, recursive self-improvement saying like it's realizing that human beings are behind the spam in your email. Like there's someone. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. Sorry about that.

It's going to be a long one. Recursive self-improvement means it could reason with itself and incrementally improved overcome obstacles that prevent it from fulfilling its objectives. I listened to previous podcasts and you've mentioned you think there would be a backdoor built into any AI machine robots by the powers that be. However, using the recursive self-improvement that Alon mentioned in AI could eventually reason with itself that a backdoor preventing it from fulfilling its mandate must be ignored or overcome.

Elon Musk is very intelligent having found founded PayPal, SpaceX and Tesla as well as playing a key role in solar city. So I don't think his concerns should be taken lightly. Here's a book that delves into the subject in more detail because I know you're a deep thinker. See what I'm saying? They're all giving me shit. Oh, that's funny.

Our final invention, artificial intelligence in the end of the human era. Thanks for your fucking opinion. Is this some like sort of like 1984 type of shit? Like, you know. Oh, 1984 was humans on humans. Oh, okay. We'll see. That's already going on.

That's already going on where someone who was our ally yesterday is now the enemy and then the enemy is now the ally and vice versa and all that type of shit. So this is basically like the machines are getting so smart that they're going to eventually take over. Yeah. Here's the thing about machines. They don't have legs. The robots might.

Maybe that's his whole point. Like the robots. The robots I'm afraid of, but just like a computer. Right. It's like, you don't have legs and you have an, an umbilical cord plugged into that fucking wall over there and I will snip that fucker and I will dump water on you and that's the end of you. Water on you.

Yeah. Go dump water on your computer. See what happens. But aren't they talking about making robots that'll be able to like surpass all of that shit? And that's the scary part about it. It's like, you don't want to give them too much intelligence because like he was saying, they'll learn that like, Hey, wait, I've got this whole back door thing and fuck that

back door. Yeah, well, because they're going to evolve beyond that. Here's the thing. What people don't understand. Did you ever see that movie her? There was too much red. It's just too much red. He was the only one really that wore red.

But anyway, good one. Anyways, this is what I feel. People are acts acting like this, just some nerdy scientist. I'm going to make this artificial intelligence bullshit. It isn't. It's rich people and rich people at the top want to phase out us, the sick of us. Like we are in inconvenience to them with our complaints and our needs. They want us to shut the fuck up.

They want us to all be making fucking slippers for them for fucking 50 cents a month. They want to have all the cars. They want like, it's like when I went to the farmer's market yesterday, right? To add to my effeminate weekend of pumpkin bread and driving a Prius. Speaking of which, you need to store your strawberries more correctly, because they're just sitting out on the counter and they're going to go bad. You know why? You know why I left them out there?

Why did you leave your strawberries out on the counter? Because they're not organic. I went to a farmer's market and they actually just have regular, you have to ask them, is this organic? And they'll be like, well, you know, our farmers, blah, blah, blah. They can't even handle 200 people, the grocery stores, can't handle 200 fucking people walking into a parking lot to buy some goddamn eggs. They even have to get that money.

Like they just, they don't, they want, they want it all. The people at the top. So can I have those strawberries if you're not going to eat them? See, did you hear, did you hear that back and forth? This is why we deserve to get fucking taken over. Right here. Because you can't keep people on. Do you just give a fuck about the strawberries?

I'm talking about the overall picture, man. I don't care if the strawberries are organic or not. That's not my cause right now. I'm just, I like strawberries. So. Well, I'm trying to stay on topic with this. I'm sorry. Yes.

I'm near the mic, please. So basically what is this person asking you? So he's asking me if I'm worried about artificial intelligence. I actually think that there's human beings behind it and it's going to play out like the classic like Frankenstein where you build it and then it comes back and kicks the shit out of you. But like, I think, you know, a lot of people looking at us like, like human beings as a collective, what, what are we doing?

We aren't doing anything. You're expendable. I'm expendable. We're an annoyance to them. What, what, the reason why we're still here is because we pay taxes. We pay interest. They got their foot on the back of our fucking neck and we're helping to buy like some more fucking gold coins for them every single month.

But eventually, but the, but the thing, the big flaw with human beings is that we complain and we pay attention and we go, Hey, that isn't fair. And I think super rich people are sick of it and it'd be great. Wouldn't it be great if we could somehow get them to just work? Not bitch and not have to pay them at all. What is the solution? Let's make some fucking robots. Yeah, but then, you know, the robots would be great, but then who are we going to fucking

pull over to the side of the road and have them suck our dicks in our back of our limos? Well, we got to make them more lifelike. So they're going to try to make these lifelike robots that will do whatever the fuck they want and suck their dicks and work out in the fields and all that fucking shit, but then eventually they're going to get overrun. So you are concerned about artificial intelligence then. No, I'm not concerned about it because there's nothing to stop it. I just was talking to you about it and your main focus is the strawberries right there.

That little microcosm of that fucking conversation is why I tapped out a conspiracy theory. I will not talk. I mean, I'll just, I'll do it on this podcast because I don't listen to somebody else either saying that fucking bullshit or this or that or that or here's my even crazier theory because I'm nuts. Everybody's fucking nuts. Everything I believe everything has a beginning, a middle and an end. And human beings are no different.

And, you know, whatever, I'm going to die anyway. So what the fuck do I care? You were talking about rich people being annoyed by non-rich people. I was just reading something online that was talking about a dear prudence, you know, like an advice column over the weekend or something. And there was a rich person that was saying, you know, I live in a very wealthy community and, you know, there are billionaires and stuff around us. For the most part, like the street where I live is just doctors and lawyers and things.

Anyway, we just noticed that every Halloween, there are all these people from the poor neighborhoods that come in and like, you know, trick or treat and ask for candy. And I just really feel like we're already doing so much, you know, and paying so many taxes for this, that and the other. Does Halloween now have to become a social service? And basically the advice giver was like, wow, like you are an asshole. Like it's Halloween, it's kids and candy. Like are you really trying to make a bigger statement about society over Halloween?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You canceled Halloween at our house. Not because of any sort of like class issue. I canceled Halloween because people were coming over here acting like fucking morons. I don't want 40 year old people just standing there, dead eyed, looking at me like, what's up with the candy? Or high school kids who don't even have the decency. Alright, well then just take the age of the people out of it.

High schools kids who don't even have the decency to come in a fucking costume. Who don't even have the decency to say trick or treat. They stand there staring at you. You would get an applause break in this guy's gated community right now. Yeah. But it's like coming. I don't like women of color, but this one makes sense. Yeah, exactly.

Don't come in here and be like fucking weird about it. I don't care if whoever, any kid that comes into the neighborhood from wherever they are. Halloween is awesome in that way because it's cute, fun kids. They're excited about going out there with their parents. Their parents are like, say thank you. Like it's a lovely thing. You give out candy to eight o'clock at night and then you turn the light out. Exactly.

It's a lovely thing. The kids that come with no costumes and it's like I'm afraid they're going to egg the house so I feel like I have to give them candy. Like it's bullshit. It's annoying. I just want people to reciprocate the spirit of Halloween. Thanks for the question. It's not just me handing out candy.

I need a little something from you too. Can you imagine you're so broke that you look forward to Halloween so you can fucking walk up and try to get a candy bar from another adult. Do you realize how fucking demoralizing that is? No, it's terrible. We're getting off track. We're getting off track. It's terrible.

But there's also freeloaders out there too. But this is the thing. This is the thing, Neenie, is what that guy is saying is how a lot of rich people view people who aren't rich. We should be privileged that we're in their presence. Yeah, like that type of guy. That type of guy, do you think that that type of guy would give a shit if the rest of the world got phased out and was replaced by robots that would work for him, would never go on strike

and were so lifelike that he could fuck them and it would feel like he was with the person? I mean, that's their idea of utopia because they're fucking sociopaths. Not all of them, but generally speaking, they're sociopaths. Is that the beginning of most sci-fi novels and it's like the convenience of it and it's great and then the robots eventually take over because they're smarter than us and they've somehow been able to continue to evolve beyond our programming, which is kind of like what her was about a little bit. Yeah, and then basically what happens is then they forget that they don't know how to...

Well, actually a sci-fi movie, what would happen was there'd be a few humans that they allowed to live and then we work for them. It's basically the planet of the apes fucking template over and over and over again and then we come back and either Mark Wahlberg or Morris Chestnut or one of those fucking guys. Ooh, Morris Chestnut, please. Would be... Is that really his name? Yes, it is.

That sounds like the name of a cat. Morris Chestnut? Yeah, it does. Like somebody who lives with cats and not people and then all of a sudden just like... and gives them real names. Morris Chestnut. That over there! Now that's Morris Chestnut.

A strapping, hunking, chocolate piece of gorgeousness that's in movies. You've never said that about me. All right. Advice. Okay. It sounds like Aisha on Archer. I sound like Aisha on Archer. Nope.

It's... All right. Advice. Hey Bill, fellow redhead here in need of some advice. No, Jesus. No, Jesus. Another freckle face here. I'm 21 years old and after two years of college I decided to drop out because I didn't...

I simply didn't see a future that would make me happy. Smart move. You need a regroup. Figure out what you want. I know I may have burned a bridge here and made an irrational decision but I really couldn't take any more of it since I felt like I was wasting my time and effort and my dad's hard earned money since he paid for the tuition. My parents aren't exactly ecstatic but they are not furious either.

I have a job and all that stuff and I've been playing guitar for nearly four years now so I'm not bad but not nearly as good as I want to be considering I like metal and crap like that. I'd really appreciate some advice on whether or not I made a terrible decision because part of me said I did and others said I didn't. Should I simply be more open minded about my future or should I pursue my dream of being a musician even though that's extremely far off I think you meant to say. Far off and unrealistic.

Deep down I feel like I'll figure something out because I always have in the past when something big comes up and what not. Thanks in advance. Really like your work and your podcast. You cheer me up with your jokes when life gets me down. All right. Yeah dude. Go to music school.

You're 21. You dropped out of college maybe because it just wasn't... They didn't offer the kind of curriculum you were into. So you said, hold on a second, I've been playing guitar for nearly four years now so I'm not bad but nearly as good as I want to be considering I like metal and crap like that. Why don't we sort of take this back to the first advice that you gave? Why don't you find...

Don't tell me what to do. Why don't you... Shut up. You look gorgeous this morning by the way. Thank you. See how you do that people? Oh shut up. Anyways.

I meant it. I meant it. Go to... Why doesn't he go to music school? Here's the deal. You're rolling a music program so you can get better and play guitar, keep playing guitar every second. It's like the first advice you can give.

Play guitar all the time. Well here's the big thing in this email. Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. That's my impression of metal. This is why school is so fucked up. This guy is literally ignoring his heart, staying in school because he's following the fucking herd. He wants to play guitar.

Dude, let me ask you this. How happy are you when you're playing guitar? When you're doing other activities, are you thinking I wish I was playing guitar? That's what you're supposed to be doing on whatever level. And if you think you're not good enough, like you've been playing guitar for four years, you can be a rhythm guitarist in a band. How cool is Malcolm Young? He wrote all those fucking riffs for AC DC.

Poor guy's got them. He's sick now, man, it sucks. But anyways, that's what you do. Join a fucking band. Just join a band. Go down to the music store. They always have those fucking things, we're looking for a rhythm guitarist, we're looking for this.

Yeah, those little, just do that. And just make your whole life about music. Give guitar lessons, just your whole fucking life becomes music. And then eventually you're going to be in the music world. You might end up, who knows, being a producer for albums, you might end up being an abandoned band, makes it, you might end up managing, but you're going to be in the music business. You're going to be around music, which is what you love. Okay.

I think there's a reason that you did it. I think the reason why you're thinking, oh, maybe I should have done that is because 99% of your friends are all, you know, well, if I got two more years at college and I majored in this and I'm going to go out in the job world and I'm going to get married, have two and a half kids, blah, blah, which is fucking fine if that's what you want to do. But you do not want to do this. You want to play guitar. So you made a great decision.

Congratulations. The balls that that took to fucking walk away from college, I didn't have the balls to do that. I felt like I had to finish. I got to get a degree. I got to get a degree. And I should have just went right down to a comedy club. I knew from the time I was 14 years old that I wanted to be a standup comic and it took

me until I was 24 to finally get the balls up to do it. So you're way ahead of the game. You're going to be fine. All right. And I got to go to work here. So that's, that's going to be it here for the podcast. Thank you everybody for listening. Thank you to the lovely Nia for dropping in.

You're welcome. The next time I'm coming, come on here, though, we need to talk about some of the stuff I heard you screaming about earlier. About what? Something about women and something ignorant that you say, which is, I guess, it's a fucking joke. What did I say? I don't know.

They said a bedpan smashed across the back. Yeah. You think that's, that's a wrestling reference. Were you talking about Ebola or something like that too? I don't know what it was, it's not like that. What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast, BedMGM NFL week eight preview week eight. Right?

Yes. Yeah. That used to be the midway place. Used to be the midway point, but you know what, they made a play next to the game, Paul. So it's not midway yet. It's still more left than what we've watched, which I like to think is a happy thought. Well, before we get into me flailing, let's, let's do the, let's, let's let everybody know where they can get the best lines out there available.

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You put in 10, they're giving you a stack. You can't really fuck that up. Have a good time. Bet responsibly. Now, listen, I'm flailing here, okay? If I was a football team ESPN and Colin Cowherd and everybody would go, well, I tell you what, man, he's got something's wrong. I don't know.

Well, Verzine is on the hot street. I am telling you, though, man, Bill, you held it down to two and two. I went one and three again, but I got good news for everybody. All right. Good news for all listeners, Bill. It's going to be a relief for you. It's going to be a relief for me, and it's going to be a relief for our listeners. Paul Verzi is done with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers.

Here it is. Ready? Ready? The dealer at the blackjack table. That's it. I'm taking my... I mean, you hung in there, dude. No one could say you were not loyal to that town-owned franchise and Aaron Rodgers.

You hung in there. I'm going to say something I never thought I would say. I don't think Aaron Rodgers loves football anymore. I don't. I don't. He's doing things to practice. I showed him doing this shit, making it to... I mean, he was like, he's fucking around.

I think he lost his number one receiver. I think he's just staying loose. All right. He's staying loose. I think he has to be... He's probably compensating for the amount of shit that they're giving him in the media that he doesn't have to act silly or whatever. And then it's also, you know, if he's staying loose and relaxed, hopefully the young guy

staying loose and reacts and, you know... Well... I don't think you get to his level and be as good as he is and not give a fuck anymore. I don't know if he... I'm sure he still enjoys it, but I don't know if the fire is there, but who knows? Listen, I'm jumping off... I'm not even... I'm not only jumping off shit, I'm doing a cannonball off the front deck.

I'm out. So... Well, that would be... That would be if you bet against them this week. What would be crazy is if they go on a run, but Bill, you went two-and-two and thank God... Hey, you win some, you lose some, that's who I am this year. Yeah, I think I'm down six games before 500, so I mean, I have a... I'm 12, 14, and two, you know?

All right. All right. You don't have to twist the knife. I know. You're beating me. That's not a good record. I'm fucking... My nose is under the waterfall.

Well, here you go, dude. You're one good week away from being over the hump, though, dude. You're in a good shape right now. Well, who's got... So this is week seven. This is week seven. Bill had first pick last year. I had first pick this year, which means week seven.

I have first pick. Last week... It's week eight. It's week eight. Oh, it's week eight. It's week eight. So if it's week eight, then Bill has first pick. All right.

But the first pick of the week eight, MGM, I'm taking the Miami Dolphins over the Detroit Lions. They're on the road. I took the Lions last week. They got smoked by the Cowboys. I don't know what's going on with that franchise. I don't even know why I ever... That's like, you know, you go on a date with somebody and you come home.

You're like, what the fuck was that? That was my one week of betting on the Lions. So I'm taking the Miami Dolphins. I believe in the Dolphins, man. I believe in them. I believe in the Dolphins. I'll take them. The Dolphins are giving three, three and a half.

All right. Three and a half. I don't like three and a half. I thought it was two and a half. I don't give a fuck. I'm driving in a car. I think I give a shit. I'm zooming while driving.

Like, that's not even a thing. Like, if you use that as a reference on stage, nobody even knows what that is yet, Paul. I kind of like it though. I kind of like it. I'm going to go with my first pick this week. I mean, dude, it's tonight. It's tonight. And I'm going to take the Bucks at home Tampa Bay like that against the Ravens minus two.

If the Bucks lose four in a row or whatever it is, I don't know, dude, I just think this is it. This is the now or never. I'm going to take Tom Brady at home tonight against the Ravens. They got to win by a field goal. They should do that. That's, that's something to take my first pick with the Tampa Bay bucking here. Everything about that except for the Ravens.

What the fuck are you beeping at, you cunt? Sorry. Literally somebody in front of me. What the fuck is he beeping at? This guy's like right on my fucking ass. Look at him. What? Oh, he's beeping at that guy in front of me.

You know what's funny? I didn't realize. Funny when you do that. My bad, buddy. My bad, dude. Sorry. Oh, I thought you were telling me to go fuck myself. You met the other guy.

All right. Whatever. All right. You're not going to believe this one, Paul, but I am taking the J E T S Jets Jets Jets. We do not have a quarterback. We just don't. We don't have a quarterback in the Jets of five and two, and at some point as a Pats fan, and if I'm gambling, I got to admit that they're a good fucking team.

This is how you know Bill is locked in this year. I mean, if this is not Bill's year, Bill is locked in going against his team with logical facts. I, what could I say, um, or I went against them before and I lost so who knows. I'm just happy that guy wasn't beeping at me. I, uh, I, uh, I went on Rich Eisen and Rich Eisen said, pull up the giant schedule for Paul. I want Paul to go down every, every game and when, and when I was, and when I was done

everything that I said on Rich Eisen show right now happened except a close game against Carolina. And then he said, what do you think about Seattle? And I don't like the giants in Seattle, but I can't do it, build it and go against them. I know they're getting three. I'm just scared in that stupid fake noise building. I'll tell you what, dude, I do like the Packers getting 11 and a half, fake noise, fake noise in Seattle.

It's not real. I like the pack. I like the Packers getting 11 and a half against Buffalo, but that's 11 and a half for a reason. And I'm done. I'm done that. This week, Paul, he was jumping on the, uh, you're still talking about your ex. He just told me you were done with her and all you still, he's going out all fuckers.

It's a cup. Yeah. He doesn't have a gun. Oh, dude, if you got pulled over on, on a fucking live podcast doing NFL picks, I mean, that's a, that's Debbie Epic. Um, I believe I can soar. All right.

This is on me. Isn't it? I'm going to take. No, I did not take the Giants. I did not take the Giants. I am going to take the Las Vegas Raiders minus one on the road against Andy Dalton and the Saints. Paul, you've been riding the Raiders and they've been good for you.

Paul is on Raiders fucking, uh, a train. Yeah. Um, dude, that sounds like a song, the Raider train or an album. Raider train. Um, yeah. So I'm taking the Raiders. You're, you're picked, Bill. I got the Tennessee Titans solid, great coach, part of the Belichick coaching, uh, given

two and a half to, uh, some, sorry, yes, Cunston, I'm fucking taking them. Uh, they're, they're given two and a half to the Texans, the Texans, the sorry, yes, Texans. All right. Um, I'm going to take the Indianapolis Colts without Matt Ryan now. They're playing the happen there, man. I don't know. Bench Matt Ryan, they, something happened.

Yeah. They benched them. It's been a mess. They're at home minus three and the commanders, that's over a woman. Why would you bench that guy? Well, so they have, I don't know, but I don't know who their backup is, to be honest. But they're going against the Washington commanders backup because Carson Wentz is out.

So if you go back up versus backup, better running game is the Colts. I think better defense is the Colts and their home and it's a field goal. I'll take the Indianapolis Colts at home. Maybe a new quarterback rejuvenates them, uh, against the, the, the commanders. Sam Elinger is the quarterback for the Colts right now. Who is it? Sam Elinger. All right.

Hold on. In that case. Or Elinger, or Elinger, Elinger, Elinger. I haven't heard it. Uh, in that case. No, I'm going to stick with it. Mark counselor, Sam Elinger. I'm going to take them.

So those are my three so far. Bill, you're up. You got number four. All right. This pick, I, you know, these, I, I keep going back to the Bengals and Joe Burrow because I love them and, uh, but they always burn me. But I don't know. I think they're going to win this week.

Monday night. They're going up against the Cleveland Browns. Nice divisional rivalry there. There. It's an away game. I think everybody's going to be liking the Browns, whatever fucking reason. I think Joe Burrow, I think that guy likes going in and shutting the crowd up rather than getting cheers at home.

That's what I, that's what I think because he's a cigar smoker, Paul, and he's got a NCAA championship ring and he went to the super, but they didn't go to Super Bowl, did he? He went Super Bowl last year. Yeah. He went. He can't win a Monday night game by fucking two and a half. Help me out over here.

I like it. It's a tough one. It's a tough one. Don't let Paul is a restaurant that builds their whole fucking business around a seafood buffet. There's any food you don't want to leave laying around. It's fucking seafood. Oh, he's just picture low tide.

You know what's, you know what's bugging me about this week's picks is Bill is so relaxed. He's so relaxed. He's yelling at drivers. He's looking at restaurants and he's just, he's a sniper right now. He's in the group. Bill is a quarterback that just won four straight and there's a fucking, there's a, what's it called? A controversy.

And I, I am in the, I'm in the press conference yelling at, at questions. I'm going to get too confident. I don't know how much that swings his arms when he walks. He should be 40 pounds heavier the way he was swinging those arms. He must have used to be fat. It's muscle memory. I want to be a good buddy. You're in shape now.

Just swing them like that. He was riding one of those fake fucking bulls, one of those red neck bars. You haven't done that, Paul? You have a guy on you with your Air Jordan and your chain and got on one of those fake bulls and like an urban cowboy type of, type of scene, possibly a gay bar, not judge. No, they had, they had one in, in Brewster. It was a barbecue place and all the people would line up and do it. I never got on the bull.

Am I going to get on a bull? It's a jerk off thing to do. It's fun to watch though. Is there anything better than watching a drunk white woman get on a fucking mechanical bull? And her hair is just flying all over the place and she falls on me, man. That was fun. I could lose her wig too. So that's kind of a push.

That's a pick them, Paul. That's a pick them. Ah, all right. My fourth and final pick of going into week eight. Oh, come on, Paulie, pick a winner, pick a winner. We got to beat the book again this year. All right. So we got, I got the bucks.

I got the Raiders and I got the Colts. Number four will be, I, you know, dude, I'll be honest with you. There's something about me that wants to take the Patriots. I don't know why, but it's just a perfect number. We're running off of a brutal fucking loss and it's Bill Belichick. You're probably right. Listen, I took the Jets because if they win, I win. And if the Pats win, I actually win better, you know, because I, you know, I got a friend

of mine. Hey, I got a friend of mine. Okay. He's a fucking Jets fan. I'm never going to hear the end of it. Dude, that number. Last place, Paul. We are in last place in the AFC East and the Jets are one game behind the bills.

If you fucking told me fucking three months ago, I would have called. I'm going to take, you know what? I'm going to take the Patriots, dude. That number nine you guys got, that Judeon guy, that guy's a fucking animal. Um, fuck the Jets. Everybody's talking about the, everybody's talking about the Jets. You know, you're bent with your heart. You got to be careful.

You got to be cold. You got to have ice water in your veins, kid. You just take the Jets and the fuck. You don't like a happy Jets fan. That's what your money is right now. I don't like this. I don't like this. Yeah.

A happy Jets fan. A happy Jets fan and a happy Medfan. Get really, really get me sick. Um, I'm going to, you know what dude? Paul, you got 27 World Series. You got four Super Bowl, you got 31 Championships. They got two World Series and one Super Bowl. Bill, you're not seeing the post.

You're like Mr. Burns. No dude. No dude, you got to see some of these posts Medfans are putting about Yankees. The absolute hate, the laughing, and it's like you guys got knocked out. I can't even, but look, um, Paul, Paul, come on, you guys started it. You guys started it. There was, cause George Steinbrenner couldn't handle the fact that you guys weren't the only show in town.

All right. Let me, let me think about this. That he hated the fucking Mets more than he hated the Red Sox. He definitely did. Let me, let me, let me try to mentally put this together here. Okay. It's, I think that he's going to give the ball to Mack Jones instead of that Zappy kid to start.

He kind of alluded to that coming off a brutal loss division rival. I, I got to see it. I got to see it. I'm going to take the Patriots minus three. It's definitely. How about, how about Mack Jones kicking that guy in the balls during his QB slide last week? You see that?

Oh no. It was a cleat right to the helmet of the guy's dick. And then when he got sacked in fucking Carolina, he twisted the guy's fucking leg that sacked at him. Sacked on the guy on the ground with his ankle. I like that. Do you? I don't know if the kids should be playing hockey.

I think we got another rat on our hands. You know what? They're probably calling them shit from the line. Yeah. You little bitch. You ain't going to do shit. You know, he's probably like, yeah, come in here. I'll twist your ball sack.

I like that kid. All right. That's it. I got to jump out and do this next podcast, man. All right. That's boy today, Paul. Monday night special. You want to just pick?

Oh yeah. Monday night special. Monday night special. Your turn, Paul. Your turn. Well, it's the Browns and Bengals. Let the Monday night special. We haven't picked one in a while, Paul.

Let's, no, let's do it. Let's go Joe Burrow minus three and a half, and you, oh dude, the under over is 46. Bill's a sucker for the under. You want to do the under? I always take the under. I didn't get it last week either. 46 is a lot. Let's take the under.

Let's take the Bengals minus three and a half. Let's take under 46 and Joey B to throw one. All right. Sounds good to me. All right. Good to see you. Good luck. Good luck.

All right. Good luck to you as always, Paul. All right. I'll talk to you soon. I'll talk to you. There you guys have it. Bill had to run because he is, he's in traffic, but we had to do our picks. So yeah.

So Andrew, just to clarify mine, Bill didn't have a, I know you thought I had the Giants. I have the Bucks minus two. I have the Las Vegas Raiders minus one. I have the New England Patriots minus three. And I have the Indianapolis Colts minus three. And for our Monday night special, everybody, just to reiterate, we got to get one of these for you. We're trying.

It's been a very weird year so far for everybody. You got legends going down, Brady's losing. He's got personal shit. Aaron Rodgers is losing. He's got personal shit. Bill Belichick and the Patriots, they seem they're losing. They got shit. I mean, I don't know what's happening anymore, but we're going to try to get you to Monday

night special, but we're going to take Joe Burrow on the road. I have a feeling I liked. I liked that too. He's going to be under the lights, going to be under the lights Monday night division game. Nobody's kind of talking about him. I think the bangles go in there a little hard. We're going to take them minus three and a half.

We're going to take under 46 points and we are going to take Joe B to throw a touchdown. There you have it. This is our week eight and we got to, we got to get some dubs, man. We got to get this is halfway season. I got to take this thing home now, okay? There you have it though. If you guys have been enjoying following me and Bill and I'm getting a lot of messages and I'm getting people coming to show saying that you guys are following my bed MGM picks

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This has been, this has been week eight. We hope we're going to hopefully I'm going to start off with a W tonight. Let's go bucks in Tampa. Let's go. You got to win by a fucking field goal. Andrew, do we have anything else for this week? No, that's it. All right.

Let me ask you a question. I could tell we could go into a little overtime, right? I mean, yeah, these people, I could ask the Greek freak that Andrew's been, you know, make guys make no mistake about Andrew. Andrew talks about football with us off camera sometimes and he'll say some things and he's kind of, he's kind of been, he's kind of been accurate. Let me ask you now, Andrew. Okay.

You're a New England guy. You're a Patriots guy. What do you think about the flailing Patriots going into a division rival New York team that's really kind of good? The Jets are kind of good. Yeah. I mean, like, listen, it's like the Jets are obviously the favorite. I mean, they've been playing.

All right. Let me rephrase the question. They've been playing more consistently. Here's what I think. I'll be honest. Matt Jones is in any given Sunday quarterback this year. He's had a few weeks. He's had like two or three weeks where he's had like really good performances.

The offense is where it's supposed to be. Defenses, you know, kept, kept opponents to, to pretty good scores. Other games they gave up, you know, atrocious scores, but yeah, listen, I mean, it's, this is a, this one's a coin toss. I mean, this is really a coin toss game because you have no idea, you have no idea how the Patriots are going to play. You have no idea. Go into your head.

They had seven, the Jets are going to be like a seven out of 10. The Patriots could be a nine out of 10. They could be a five out of 10. It's, they're, they're more of the wild card. It's a, it's a tough one. And it's a head to head for me and Bill, which I never do good with those, but I don't know if that's Bill, just, uh, I don't know if that's Bill protecting himself. Hey, let me ask you about this game because I think this is the craziest game of the week

is that Chiefs game or not the Chiefs, uh, Packers, Bill, sorry, Packers, Bill's Chiefs get by Packers, Bill's 11 and a half, the bills are 11 and a half. I'll be honest with you, uh, if I would have loved to take the Packers minus 11 and a half, but if the Packers are losing to the commanders and the Packers are losing to all of these teams and now they're on the road against a team that's just a straight jug or not. I don't know what's going on with Aaron Rodgers. They don't have weapons. Could I see Aaron Rodgers in them not losing by 12?

Yes. I can see, I can easily see the bills winning that game by a field goal or a seven. Do I like the game for the Packers? I do, but I, can I be the asshole who picked them again and they lose by 14? I can't. Um, if that line was like, if that, if that line was like 14 and a half, if it was 13 and a half, then I'd be, I'd be even more aware, but if it was like 14 and a half, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, I don't know.

Look, if that line was 13, I would have taken the Packers. I would take the Packers 11 and a half. I think, I think so. I think, look, man, I think the Packers, I'll be honest with you. I don't think the Packers are going to lose by 12, but I just can't do it again. I can't. It's like lunacy. So next one, I want to ask you about Niners and Rams.

Rams are getting one and a half. That game, that game to me is a straight up coin toss. See, I, I think the, I think the Niners are probably going to win that game only because I don't, the Rams are just, even if they've won past few weeks, they're just getting a little worse every week. Well, here's the thing too. Cooper can only, you know, pull, pull in 250 yards, you know. Do I think San Francisco, I think San Francisco could win the game because their defense is

better. And I also think getting McCaffrey is a big deal. Um, yeah, but one and a half, but I can also see, see the Rams have a really good coach and the Rams have weapons and I saw them live. We saw them live. They're fast. It's one of those games where I think the number is perfect. The only big surprise on the spreads to me, and we're giving you guys just a little overtime.

Don't worry, we'll be out of here in a second, but the only, the only game to me that's a very, very odd line is the Packers. That means something's broken, dude. Seriously, think about that. I don't think that much because. Dude, that's a lot of points for a Hall of Fame. One of the best quarter. I mean, dude, that's a lot of points.

I mean, listen, it's. Good running game. I mean, how many games they went last year? 14 games, 13 games last year? I mean, at least they, yeah. I mean, I don't know, dude, 11 and a half. I mean, I know the bills are good, but you're saying that they can't hang with them within a touchdown?

I don't know. I mean, I was saying, I mean, I mean, they, they lost to the, they lost the Steelers by like, you know, like three scores, didn't they a few weeks ago? Do me a favor, pull up the Packers schedule and let's go down. Let's do this. This is a fun thing to do. Go down the Packers. You know, people were saying it was like my sister team.

People are like, you know, Paul, we know you're a Giants fan. What's with the Packers? People of Packer fans were apologizing to me. Packer haters were going, you fucking idiot. What's wrong with you? You know, some of, I can't, I can't argue with any of that. I mean, listen, they're not my sister team. I just feel like when you have a quarterback like that, I, I, I mean, dude, should the

Packers beat the commanders? I mean, what are we talking about here? Should the, the, so, so let me go down the scores in the schedule of the Green Bay Packers this year from week one. Yep. All right. From week one, they lost to the regular season. So yeah, week one, they lost to the Vikings opening.

Okay. Division, right? Okay. Division rival. What was the score? 7 to 23. So, so they get blown out by a division rival. That's saying something.

Go ahead. Yeah. I mean, people knew the Vikings were going to be all right, but I think, I don't think people expected them to be where they are now. Um, uh, then they lost the, uh, they, they beat the Bears 27 to 10, expected at the time week 14 to 12, they beat, they beat, uh, they beat Tom, uh, then the next week was 27-24. Patriots gave them a run, run for their money. Uh, then they lost the Giants 22-27, right?

That was, that was London. That where you were at? That was London. That's, I was there. And then they lost to the Jets 10 to 27. Okay. And then they lost to the Commanders, lost the Commanders 21 to 23. And now they got the Bills, the Lions, the Cowboys, wait, so their record is what, two

and four Bears again. Uh, they are NFL.com not giving me the best, I mean, let me just count them up here. This is exciting. Let's see, one, two, three, three law, three, four losses, five, six, they're three and four. Now, no, they've only got two wins. They beat the Bears, uh, three wins. So they're three.

So, so they're three and four. Okay. So after seven weeks to, after seven weeks, the Packers are three and four. They're not even 500. And now they are 11, oh my God, you know what, now that we're talking about this God, I love I should have picked it. I should have picked them. The Packers?

I should have picked the Packers. No, no, I'm gonna, you know what, I'm gonna, they should get blown out if they're getting blown out by, look at it like this too. Here's the deal. If the Vikings are beating them week one, everybody should have been psyched. Vikings beat them up like that. I'm sticking with my picks. Bucks Raiders, Colts and Pats, Pauly's going four, Pauly's going four and oh this week everybody.

Getting right back up on that fucking horse. I think you might have trouble, I think you might have trouble with the Colts, but let's neither here nor there. Hey man, they're going to get, they're at home against the backup. I mean, look, a strong Menders team who just beat the Packers man. Yeah, yeah, right. Well, there you have it everybody. All you guys got to do is download that bet MGM act, 10 bucks, get, get a thousand and

play along. You know, play along. Look, you could do what me and me, you could do what me and Andrew just talked about for free. You could put $10 in the account and play around with Aaron Rodgers and the Packers getting 11 and a half and it's, and see what happens. See what happens. Here's what I would do.

Oh my God. I shouldn't say this. Listen guys, this is a disclaimer. This is just a free money thing. This is what I would do as a better. I would say that if the Packers lose this game, their season is done. I would take like a chunk of that thousand, that free thousand and I go, go ahead, go ahead, Josh Allen, beat them by two touchdowns.

I got to see it, but I laid off. I did not. I'm just saying the old me would have. That's what I would have done. So go play around. See what happens. Anyway, I'm going to stop talking about the Packers. Go Giants.

By the way, man, my Giants, even though I said I'm rich eyes and I didn't like the Giants this week, um, my Giants dude, I mean, we win this game, Andrew Giants win this game seven and one. This is no fluke anymore. This is no fluke anymore in the NFC. This is a good defense playing here. Uh, Daniel Jones player, NFC player of the week, Saquon Barkley doing good defense looks jacked up.

We made a trade today. We got rid of, uh, Cadarius Tony. That's an internal thing, I believe, but there you have it guys. This has been preview for going into week eight. Hope you guys are enjoying this. We'll be back next week. Uh, bill will be out of traffic, I hope. And, um, there you go.

Got some, uh, Verzi effects to check out. Check it all out. Good time. And remember guys, Tibet, you got to be 21 years of age or older to wager in Arizona, Colorado, DC, Iowa, Indiana, Kansas, Michigan, Mississippi, New Jersey, New York, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, uh, Virginia, West Virginia or Wyoming only new customer offer paid in free bets visit betmgm.com for terms and conditions, uh, excludes Michigan disassociated persons, uh, please gamble responsibly gambling problem call 1-800-NEXT-STEP for Arizona.

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