Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-28-21

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

Bill rambles about 'how easy men have it', the World Series, and old school cities.

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How's it going? Oh my God. Oh freckles. You know. Oh pasty thighs just fucking came up for air. My God, I went on when you when we last checked in with Bill. I from fucking, I don't know, Friday or Saturday of last week until last night at like 9 30. I did nothing but work on fucking writing this script and getting it ready for people to look at. And I got to tell you something, the fact.

That actors get all these fucking awards and attention and then you don't know who the writers are, I swear is one of the most ridiculous things. We were cranking this thing. We finally get the thing done. My writing part is going like, ah, man, you know, I can't wait to do like the Sandler thing and do one of these every couple of years. I'm like, dude, I don't think I ever want to do one of these again. My brain was fried, but now I'm psyched because now I'm on the other side of it. And I think it's a really good script. And who knows, you know, you write these things, you bring them out, you hope someone's going to fucking buy it. And if they don't, you're like, well, you know, I guess I'll try in a different way.

You know, and that's what life is. You get up there, you take a swing of the bat. You see if you can make some contact, put it in play, maybe every once in a while you hit a fucking home run. You know, but most of the times you strike out. You go back to the dugout, you don't get to ride in the laundry cart, right? That's what it is. All right, but try telling that to these brats. Oh my God, if I have one more woman, tell me how fucking easy my life is.

You know, I started dropping weight, you know, I was down the comedy club and I mentioned that to someone. She's goes, well, you know, you know, you're a guy. I mean, you guys just like think of losing weight, you drop weight. Oh yeah, that's exactly how it is. That's exactly how it is. That's why you never see a fucking fat guy on my 600 pound life. That's like a thing like with women, they go, you, you just think about losing weight and you lose weight. And it's like, no, that's not how it works.

I've been trying to drop this weight for a whole fucking year. I've been thinking about it for a whole fucking year. Thinking about it and make it happen. Right. So I don't know what the hell they did. It's just like, it's just one of those things you just have to sit there and listen to. I told you that I set the doctors, right? And she was, I had one of those fucking old man spots developing on my head and like, I can't, I can't have this.

So she's lasering the thing off and I just say, you know, she goes, want me to numb you up? And I said, you know, how bad is it hurt? She goes, you know, it's like somebody's snapping an elastic on your head. I was like, I will see how it goes. Right. She's still in it. It wasn't even that bad. And she said to me, she goes, you know, I gotta admit, she goes, you have like a, you have like a high level of threshold for pain.

You know, you're like a woman. She fucking said that to me. I was just like, Jesus Christ. I was trying to think, I know I told this story before, but I know you guys don't listen every week. I was just trying to think like the opposite of that. Like if I said, if I was the doctor and I had a woman in the chair and I said something like that, like, why? You're like really smart. You know, you're like a man.

You have a high threshold of pain. Like a man. Like if I said something like that, practice over. Done. Beyond that fucking e-show. Something would happen. So anyway, um, yeah, I've been dropping weight, just trying to go two pounds a week, been eating great. And kind of I'm off like sugar and salt now.

And, um, last night, you know, we took a break because our brain was so fried. And I put on the world series, which, uh, I'm getting such a kick out of it that I guess. People in sports were saying that Atlanta Braves versus the Houston Astros was a nightmare for major league baseball as far as ratings goes. And what are they going to do? They're going to turn around and blame the cities and blame the teams rather than blame themselves. That because of pile on teams and money, certain teams were able to be, you know, considered more interesting than other cities. Because I know when I watch the Super Bowl, it doesn't matter who the fuck's playing. I know the Arizona Cardinals, formerly the St. Louis Cardinals, formerly the Chicago Cardinals have sucked dick my entire fucking life,

except for one year when they had Kurt Warner and they played one of the greatest Super Bowls of all time. Unfortunately, losing, I believe to the, was it the Packers or was it the Steelers? I can't remember. But it was an amazing Super Bowl, right? They've absolutely sucked. And now all of a sudden they're great. They got Kyler Murray. They got Chandler Jones.

They got JJ Watts. I love them. I can watch them all day. They're exciting. I don't care that they're in Arizona. You know, stop blaming the cities. You're not running your fucking league, right? Sorry, I'm not like 100% flipping out about this.

It's just 6.30 in the fucking morning. Trying to knock this out before I get the kids ready for their days here. Yeah. What kind of fucking world are you trashing Atlanta? Atlanta has some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. You know, it's got great food. Other than the traffic, it's fucking amazing. Houston, you know, it's an American city.

You shouldn't be trashing it. I'm kidding. Okay, Houston has Joel Olstein. Houston won back-to-back fattest cities in America, which is a dynasty, because it's so hard. It's really hard to do that. I think it's like political, right? Let me just see.

When was their dynasty? I want to say it was in the 2000s. Because, see, the Cowboys had a dynasty in the 90s, as did the Yankees, and then Houston had a dynasty with fat people. Let's see here. Fattest city in America year by year. All right. Let's see what we got here.

Okay, fattest cities in America. 2021 fattest city in America. Fattest cities, they won't go year by year. Well, let's see who's got it this year. Let's see who's taking the title. Okay, according to this thing, McCallan, Texas. I never even heard of that place. Memphis, Tennessee, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

I did some acting work there, man. It's hard to buy anything that isn't fried. That's a tough city to be in. Little Rock, Arkansas. These are all the non-vaccine cities. Jesus Christ, people. I hope you're wearing masks. Shreveport, Louisiana, Birmingham, Alabama, Jackson, Mississippi,

Mobile, Alabama, Louisiana, Louisiana coming in strong. Baton Rouge, Shreveport, Lafayette, Knoxville, Tennessee, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Augusta, Georgia, Greenville, South Carolina, Fayetteville, Arkansas, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Oh, you hate to see it, but your fatties walking around in bathing suits. San Antonio, Texas, Wichita, Kansas, New Orleans, Louisiana, Nashville, Tennessee.

So you got to say Louisiana's the fattest fucking state out there. Tennessee, all their big cities. Memphis, Chattanooga, Nashville. McCallan also has the highest share of physically inactive adults, 36.90%. Well, how about a hat's off that they were active enough to take that survey? Which is 2.2 times higher than Provo, Orem, Utah, the metro area with the lowest at 16.5,

16.5% of the people are active. El Paso, Texas has the highest share of diabetic adults. Oh, God, you don't want that. Which is 2.3 times higher than in Denver. The metro area with the lowest. Oh, yeah, they're out there fucking white water raft in there. So anyway, I got to watch a little bit of the Atlanta Houston game. And Atlanta won the first game, 6-2.

Houston assholes won 7-2. And I'm calling them the Astros because there's a Patriots fan to watch them do what they did. And I haven't even heard it brought up yet. This isn't them trying to redeem the fact that they got busted with their pants down, cheating their fucking asses off, banging on that trash can. Nothing. I was watching the game last night, right?

And El Tuve hits a fucking home run. The announcer goes, you know, that's his 22nd home run. His 22nd home run in postseason play. And he's like, you know, 14 of those that were at home. Oh, yeah, where they had the fucking trash can and they knew a change-up was coming. Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. And I got as a Pats fan to still listen to people talk to me

about the Flake Gate, which went to court. It wasn't even laughed at at court. The guy got fucking upset about it, saying, stop wasting my time. Fucking unbelievable. We have a drug addict with a dead mistress, hires a scientist who isn't one to come up with some Boss Hog Dukes of hazard shit, and it sticks.

It fucking sticks. These motherfuckers go to home depot by some trash cans. They get fucking busted doing it. Was it fucking two years later? Three fucking four years later, they say, ah, it's amazing. This guy's been unbelievably successful. I told you, I saw the same thing with fucking A-Rod when he played with the Yankees.

Guy gets busted doing steroids, you know, and everybody's, ah, fuck this guy. Guy's terrible at baseball, blah, blah, blah, blah. All this fucking shit. Then the guy hits his 600 home run. Same fucking newspapers. Where do we put him historically? The greatest shortstop third baseman of all fucking time

a couple of years later. I don't know, unreal, but I can tell you this. It's a fucking great series. It's predicting that's going to go six to seven games. And I've always said this thing because I look at Houston like, okay, they cheated. But then again, my Red Sox and the New York Yankees had $200 million roided up free agent teams.

Okay. And we want a bunch of them doing that. So I'm not going to fucking sit there and say that. However, you know, I'm not going to act like we're all fucking innocent here, but I mean, I'm just beside myself that you can come back and then that is not the story. Hey, can the Houston Astros win a legit one

without going down to the hardware store? Can they do that? And the fact if they win this thing, you know, will people be like, well, how did they win it? Do we need to investigate them again? Make sure they didn't have a camera out in the outfield wall. No, doesn't count. Doesn't fucking count.

It's a cheat meal for all Houston. So anyway, so I'm watching this series, right? And I remember earlier this year, I was talking about Dusty Baker and saying what a great manager you was. And then everybody called in, oh, yeah, if you want to fucking get you to the playoffs and not fucking win all these fucking losers who never did shit with their lives start coming at me.

And I'm like, um, so you're telling me this guy has been managing baseball teams for the better part of fucking 40 years and somehow major league baseball is getting it wrong. But you, who never got picked in gym class, know the real deal on Dusty Baker. So there's part of me that I want Houston to win. Also for their fans so they could say,

well, we did get a legit one, you know, but then there's the Braves, you know, you look at the Braves, the Braves have been to the winter classic. Okay, they've been there five fucking times. They've only won once. They have an 11 and 18 record. They actually lost in 95.

No, they won in 95. Then they lost in 96. They lost in 99. That's 95, 96, 99. Cause the Indians lost in 97. Padres lost in 98. Metz lost in 2000. Yankees lost in 2001.

Wait, who the fuck did the angels beat? I can't remember. Ah, Jesus Christ, that's a long fucking time ago. Anyway, so you know, their fans are fucking tortured and who knew the fucking Astros have been there three times. They lost an 05 to the fucking Chicago White Sox, which I thought really took the shine off the Red Sox, finally ending their curse at the very next year,

you know, the White Sox, and the White Sox won it. So I guess this is what's happening now. They sort of stole our thunder. You know what I mean? That's like I remember with the last episode of, you know, Seinfeld was coming out and then the same week Frank Sinatra died. That's just one of those things like, oh man,

why couldn't Frank die the week before the week after? I mean, those are two huge things, you know, they both deserve their attention. Houston also played a seven-game series in 2019, losing the decisive game seven to the Washington Nationals, formerly the Montreal Expos. Anyway, so I'm going to watch that series if you want to jump in. Okay, game three, Friday, game four, Saturday, game five, Sunday.

You have a nice fucking baseball weekend. You know, and maybe send a message out there to the major league baseball that, you know, you don't need these Ocean 11's teams like they have in fucking NBA's the same way. David Stern, right? That slippery little so-and-so. When they asked him who his dream NBA final was,

he said the Lakers versus the Lakers because he didn't give a fuck about the league. He gave a fuck about money and ratings. That's all he gave a fuck about. But I'm sure it was all in the up and up when the fucking commissioner of your league not only would pick two teams that he thought would be the best,

he picks the same one twice. Probably not a good look, especially when you get busted having a mobbed up referee, helping said team get to the fucking NBA finals and win another one. Oh, I am on a fucking tear here. Speaking of the Arizona Cardinals, everybody, they are playing the Green Bay Packers on Thursday night.

Cardinals have not lost yet this year. So, of course, I'm rooting for them to go undefeated because I, you know, my team's in the AFC East and I'm so sick of the stupid dolphins every year clinking their glasses celebrating kids losing and not getting to feel the feeling that they did, which I really just think is just, I don't know, there's just something about it that's just annoying.

And not the fact that nowadays these kids got to do it, you know, 16, 17 times. That's just to get out of the regular season. Dolphins had to go 17-0 to win the whole fucking thing. So, I don't know. I don't know. But sportsmanship, if you ask me, it's kanthi is what it is. It's very chick energy, estrogen, you know what I mean?

Cheering on the misery of somebody else. Or German, for what I am. Scheidenfreude. But I think this is the Green Bay Packers season. Their season turns around or they're just going to fucking level off if they lose, okay? Because the Arizona Cardinals, who would have thought are the big boys in the NFC conference, right?

Well, the C does stand for conference, Phil. In the NFC. In the A-A-F-C conference. Yeah, you say A-F-C East. All the entire NFC, that's what the fuck I'm trying to say. So, if the Green Bay Packers beat the Cardinals, they'd be like, you know what, man? Hey, man, like, I know we're in fucking Wisconsin, man.

And everybody's up here eating cheese, but just know that, man, we can hang with anybody in this league, man. Or they lose. Or they lose. And then once again, it's on Aaron Rodgers to take that mom-and-pop store that is the Green Bay Packers, put it on his shoulders,

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Roman ready. By the way, speaking of which, I'm going to be, I have a weekend coming up when I'm in two of my favorite cities, Detroit, Michigan, and I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. All right? I mean, I can't even tell you how fucking excited

when I go to those fucking cities, the places to eat, the people. I just love those places. And it's very exciting to see Detroit slowly but surely coming back. You know, to have all of those cities go through what the fuck they went through, you know, the whole Rust Belt was just a fucking shame.

And that's something I always wondered, you know, what it would have been like to have caught those cities before the Rust Belt when they were these great cities, thriving cities, and people could get jobs and those factories and all of that shit ran. And I know they all polluted the environment and stuff, but, you know, they're still polluting the environment.

They're just in a different country now, those factories. But that always fascinates me when we used to make shit here. You know, you could be in high school and not even have to go to college and you could go down the street and get a job at one of these giant factories that were so fucking big,

you could work there for 40 or 50 years and never even see an employee that also worked there for 50 years at the same time until you both got your gold watches, you know, and you made cars or whatever the hell you did. And, you know, you could have yourself a house, you could have a stay-at-home wife, raise your kids. You know, if you take all the racism out of it,

I mean, that's a hell of an America. Hang on a sec. Anyway, so it's great seeing them come back. Pittsburgh, I swear to God. I'll name you right now. Now that I've talked about the fattest cities in America, cities I could live in. I could live in Pittsburgh.

I could live in Milwaukee. Chattanooga, Tennessee, I loved. Chattanooga, the charm of Nashville without all the people. Milwaukee, the charm of Chicago without all the people. Pittsburgh, San Francisco, without all those fucking,

those guys, not Borschbell, what do you call those fucking computer nerds who ruined that city? Pittsburgh is San Francisco without all those silicone valley fucking cunts driving all the prices up. Those are my top three. Top three right there.

And then when I really, really, really am down on human beings and just being around other human beings, I could live in that deadwood, South Dakota. I could live out, I'm saying in South Dakota, North Dakota, I always forget. Or I could live in,

I went to this place one time. I did a gig in Montana. What the fuck? Was it Butte, Montana? Montana cities. Let's see, what do we got here? Wasn't Helena, I think it might have been Bozeman.

Or was it Billings? One of those ones. Just go up there and be one of those weird white people that doesn't talk to his neighbors. Every once in a while, I feel like I could be that guy. But then I think, I'd miss all my stand up friends.

There's a great burrito around the corner. You get scared. I mean, that's a commitment. I mean, anybody can be born in the middle of nowhere and fucking stay out there. Or be born in a city and stay in a city, but it takes a fucking lot to be in a city

and then go move to the middle of nowhere. Or the other way around, come to the big city, everybody's talking about. Which by the way, I finally saw that movie, Urban Cowboy. And I had no idea how fucking dark and creepy and all that shit.

The first time I tried to watch it, I couldn't get through it. But I was also really scatterbrained. All right, everybody. Before we end the podcast, we have a wonderful new addition to the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday,

morning podcast. It's the Bed M.G. segment where me and the great Paul Verzi, the star of I'll Say This on Comedy Central, one of the great stand up specials of the last few years. We pick, we're battling each other, going head to head to see who has the,

who can pick all these NFL games against the spread. And here we are. This is us talking about last week's picks and who we like this week. Enjoy. Welcome back for week eight of our MGM NFL preview. That's right, the Bed MGM week preview.

As you guys know, we've teamed up with Bed MGM and we are having an absolute blast. We're using the Bed MGM lines, which are the best lines, okay, to make all of our picks and we'll have special offers for all our listeners this week.

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And get your $1,000 risk-free bet. Today, here's the thing. Bill, Bill and I, Bill and I both went three and one and we almost... You know, I was hoping I was going to go four and oh. I was three and oh. I know.

Three and oh. And I was like, if Verzi goes three and one and loses the game, I'm going to have his heart. That would have been demoralizing. Dude, we both went three and one and we almost made these people win money with our Monday night special.

I got excited about it. Actually, it made me into the game. We had Winston through a touchdown. Not only did Winston throw a touchdown, he threw it to Camara, which knocked out two of our three bets in one play and I'm going, here we go.

They missed the cover and they missed it by three points, but yeah, nothing is worse. So let's not brag about almost making a money, Paul. Let's brag about it when it happens. I know. I was rooting for them, though. I was rooting for them, man. Is anything worse than being three and oh

and losing the last one? That happened to me, too. Yeah, winning a fucking bet and the asshole's going to the pre-vents so you lose your bet. So you were actually fucking right, but they decided to not play football for the last two minutes.

Oh, don't get me started, Paul. I'll choke this fucking microphone. That's the worst. So I hit up Andrew and I go, Andrew, I'm three and one. What's Bill? And he said, you were doing the same thing. So we keep asking him and then he goes,

Bill's three and one. So then I hit up Bill and I go, we both went three and one and Bill goes, oh, the game's not over. And I go, what game? And he goes, the game that's going on now. And I go, no, the game's still on. And he goes, why'd you say I lost already?

And I go, oh, he jinxed me, Paul. That's what you do. You compliment the fucking bookie. You give him a shout out. Paul, I mean, we're still friends, right? Good week of football, Bill. And you know what? Paul, you're still in the lead.

You got to have like what, two, three games on me. I did horrible in September. I think I got one game and then you got that tie, that tie. So I don't know. You're only a game up. I think you're at least two games. You got to be at least two.

You had a lot of three and ones when I went one and three. And the last month. And even the week you went, oh, and four, I only went, I only went two and two. So I picked up two games. Well, maybe that picked up two games is big. No, to get, I went at the last four weeks, I went three and one three times,

but that oh, and four takes me. I'm 14 and 14. I know that. I don't know what you are. I think it's a game difference. I think I'm definitely below 500. I'm on the hot seat, Paul. I got my house up for sale if I'm coaching the fucking Mets

right now. It is week eight, which is an even number. It means it is your turn to pick. You go. I don't know why I'm going to pick this game. I don't know why this game is the way this game is. I feel like this is one of these games. You go like, why the fuck this looks like easy money,

even though Russell Wilson is not playing. They're giving three and a half to the hapless Jacksonville Jaguar. So I think one there's Super Bowl by winning last week. They're in Seattle. They got the 12th man. The lumberjacks are coming out of the hills. They're going to be deafening.

I'm taking the Seattle Seahawks. Lay in three and a half to beat the Jacksonville Jaguars and with their Kendall quarterback there. Wow. Okay. All right. Well, I'm going to pick a game that I don't know. What the fuck was that?

What? You just made it sound like that was a stupid move ever. You want me to give you advice? I mean, we're not giving each other advice. I don't like that pick. I'll be honest with you. I'm not going to tell you that. You're my friend.

I don't like the pick because I think Geno Smith stinks and I think Seattle stinks. And Sneaky Pete's finito. I think Sneaky Pete's leaving soon. That's my little fucking side. Well, then take the Jaguars. You can sit there and judge my fucking picks in front of everybody, you son of a bitch.

You brought that out of me. I tried to mind my... No, I did not bring that out of you. You just went like, hi. You fucking competitive son of a bitch. No, I'm... I swear to God, you're trying. You're trying.

Paul, you're trying to put the hex on all my picks. No, no, man. You got me all wrong. Do I give you shit when you fucking pick a team laying 25? You got me all wrong. I can't even make eye contact with me. Look at you. No, Devonte Adams is out.

You fucking red bastard. Devonte Adams is out. What were you picking, Paul? I don't know, man. I think I'm going to go... I think I'm going to pick the Packers to give the Cardinals their first loss Thursday night. But Devonte Adams is out, but Aaron Rodgers,

there's something about him that when he's a dog and he's a road dog, I like him. You know what I'm going to take, but we got to make sure these bed MGM lines aren't moving. You got it at six and a half. I'm going to take it at six and a half. I'm taking the Green Bay Packers and Aaron Rodgers, giving Kyler Murray and those unbelievably undefeated Cardinals

their first L. I'm going with Rodgers. I'm taking the Packers Thursday night. You really going to do that? Yeah. All right. I got my next pick is... I am going to take Joe Burrow.

He's been making me money. He's going into the fucking, the metal lands, which I don't even know. Paul, is that even a professional football arena anymore? The way the Jets and Giants have been playing lately. The Giants held it up for years. Now I don't know what happened. They caught COVID from the Jets.

I'm going to take the Bengals, Paul, laying 10 and a half. This is a different year for you, man. You're taking more points this year. I love it. I'm rubbing off. You don't, Paul. You shit on all of my bets. I can feel it.

No. I just, you know what, should we go? Here's the thing. Bill's beat me. They just fucking stink. They just let the Patriots put like 50 fucking points on them. Bill's beat me in the head to heads, Andrew, which means if we tie, he wins.

So if we tie, you win. Oh, by the way, I beat you in another head to head. That's three and oh. Can I talk shit about that yet? Three times, Paul, you go up against me and you lose and here you are judging my bets in front of our wonderful audience. Paul, I'm telling you, dude, your arrogance just knows no limits. Dude, I got, I got a feeling I'm going to go on for this week.

I'm not lying to you. Like I can't see them. It's like when you're playing pool sometimes I can't see the angles, Paul. I hate this week too. I can't see it either, dude. I really can't. Um, you know, the bucks have been crushing. Why is the bucks lying so low against the saints?

That one's fucking with me. Why are the bucks only favored by five and a half? Cause it's a divisional rivalry, Paul. I was looking at that game. And the saints are at home and they're getting five and a half. I personally, I need to take the saints or I stay away from that game. Oh, I'm going to do it, Bill. I'm going to do it.

I'll do it. I didn't want to do it, but it just hit me. I'm going to do it. Who? I'm just going to rip off the bandaid. I'm taking my Giants getting 10 in Kansas city. I got to do it. I got to tell you, Paul, I stayed away from that game because I was

going to get a little bit of a hit. I got to tell you, Paul, I stayed away from that game because I don't like Kansas city's defense. Kansas city fucking stinks. And say, how do they stink? They go into the soup bowl two years in a row. They retain their team. What is going on in Kansas city?

They're defensive backs. They're defense stinks. And I, I don't know. I'm going to take my Giants getting 10 on the road. I'm starting the game. I'm starting the game. 10 nothing with my heart. Let's do it.

Betting with your heart, Paul. That's a dangerous thing. That is the gambling equivalent of dating a stripper. All right. I got one, my divisional rivalry theory. Those games usually are close. The bills are getting 13 and a half playing the Buffalo bills. And I don't know why.

I don't know why those fucking dirty fish. I'm going to take the dolphins getting 13 and a half. Okay. Now, wait a minute. Are you see you fucking with my bed again? No, no, no. Are you looking at other shit? Oh, no, I'm looking.

Paul, I am so not confident about my, my things here. I actually need my bets this week. I need you. Dude, that was the third one. I just go, I'm taking the dolphins getting 13 and a half. He just go, okay. The fuck is that? That was me looking at, I'm looking at my bet.

I'm sorry. This isn't good for you. Paul, and this could go either way. When the man is looking at the fucking bets right before you, it's not good. I, I feel horrible this week. I mean, I feel, I feel dread. Maybe I'm wrong.

I don't know if I'm not seeing it. All right. So you're taking, oh, you're taking the points is what you're saying. I'm taking the points. You're taking the points with the fish. I'm going to fish. It's available. No one cares.

Why didn't they go with the sharks? The sharks was open back to Miami sharks. This is bad. I'm taking the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Pittsburgh Steelers getting three and a half on the road to the, uh, the Cleveland Browns. I usually like that pic. Is Baker Mayfield playing? No, I like that pic.

Big Ben going into Cleveland. I mean, he probably has a fucking time share up there. He does so well. His whole career. He's owned those guys. I don't know if he's going to yell it afterwards like Aaron Rogers, but I like that pic. All right, bastard.

All right. I don't know why Paul. I lost money last week betting against the Colts, but I feel like the Colts. I don't know. I'm still not believing it. Tennessee Titans. They got that, that Derek Henry. I mean, that guy's a problem.

He's a problem in the first half. He runs into the first half the way, you know, running backs, having a big day running the second half. I'm going to take the Tennessee Titans getting one point in the house at that piece of shit. Jim Hersey lives in. I love that bit in Indianapolis. I love, I believe in Mike Vrabel. I think he's a better coach and, uh, I don't know.

I'm putting money on, um, who the fuck's their quarterback? Wayman Tisdale. What's the guy's name? What's that? What's that quarterback's name? None to my head. I would say that that's going to happen. I love that pick.

So good for you. That should be a W in my book. Now here you go. You ready for this one? I'm made. This might be the biggest disaster. This might be the worst. Alex.

What's that? Who's the Titans quarterback? The Titans quarterback. Hey, Ryan Tanner Hill. Oh, Tanner Hill. Tanner Hill. That's it. Tanner bomb.

Um, all right. Well, maybe he does something this week against the cult. So we remember his fucking name. How about that, Paul? I am going to do something stupid, man. I might, this might be the worst week ever. I'm taking the Detroit lions at home, getting three and a half to get their first win of the year.

They're fucking oh and seven. I'm taking the Cardinals to get their first loss and the fucking lions to get their first win. There you go. Dude, that is such a huge game for the Packers. That is such a huge game. If they go in there, Paul, and they get their fucking asses handed to him, I feel like, you know, their season is over.

As far as being a fan, not saying they're not going to make the playoffs, but just as a fan, you got to be thinking like, all right, we are not, we're not up to speed here. I think that's a good way to win it. I think, I think they go in there. Paul, I think they're going to be really focused. Aaron Rodgers are going to win that game. Aaron Rodgers are going to win that game. Or I like the points either way.

Got into my head. I got Arizona, man. I just think Kyler Murray is going to be like, I'm going to show you who the new MVP of the league is. You're coming into my house, the JobbingCenter.com arena. Worst thing. I can't name ever. All right.

Anyways, that's our picks for this week, Paul. I want to know how much I thought you were at least two games ahead of me. Wait, Monday night special. What are we going to do? Let the Monday night special. Monday night special. What's the money for our listeners? Oh, Monday night special is my giants and chiefs.

How are we going to do that? All right. Well, we're going to do it, Paul. You're going to leave you. For once, you're going to think about the listeners, Paul. Think about their hard earned money. Instead of your fucking red, blue and white heart. All right.

What are we betting on here? Are we taking the points? You think the chiefs are going to cover, cover 10? I do. Home. You do. All right. I mean, I hate this game.

I mean, if you do, you could pick that. I'll pick another bet then. You could. How would say Kwong Barkley been playing? He's back now. He was hurt. It's not an answer. How's he playing?

When he was before he got hurt, he was playing great. He was back. And he got hurt. Oh, he got hurt again. He got an ankle twist a couple of weeks ago. Oh, so he's not playing. He is playing. But he's hurt.

And Tony's playing. Tony Dungey. Who's Tony? Tony time. Oh, Cadarius Tony. It's Tony time. Florida Gator rookie. It's the shit, dude.

Um, where's he been all year? He's been dude. He's fucking having an amazing game. He's having an amazing game. 11 catches. 189 yards. This is so fucking out. We should not be able to pick a Monday night special when either the Patriots or Giants

are playing. You want to skip it? We could skip it. You're talking about the Knicks. Every year you actually have me thinking that they're going to do well. Andrew, can we do one where we don't pick the money line where we pick like other things? Can we do like this one's going to get a touchdown? This one's going to do that.

I say the chiefs. Yeah. Just like, just like we're doing every week, you can pick money line. You can pick touchdown. Who to score first. It doesn't win that game, Paul. You want to say Daniel Jones throws a touchdown? Nobody falls down on the 12 yard line.

How about he got the first down and then he fumbles the ball? Can I bet on that? Where's he from? He's from Duke, right? He went to Duke. He got a Duke University. I think he's done fumbling and falling down. I think he's smart enough to know.

He found it figured out that he is playing great. He is playing great. All right. I say, Saquon Barkley is going to get a touchdown. I say this. You ready? What do you want? The Florida kid.

How about this? I say Patrick Mahomes throws a pick. Paul, you know what? You're just like, is this what you want to have happen? No, I think Patrick Mahomes is really, really struggling. All right, Paul. We're going to say that. We're going to say throws a pick.

I saw the confidence just drain out of your face. We're taking that. All right. This is off track betting, Paul, on this one. All right. So we got a Daniel Jones. It's going to be big on this one. A Daniel Jones touch therapy tickets.

Paul's betting on the Giants tariff of tickets. He bet the horse. Let's go. Let's go. It's over. All right. I mean, that's got to pay big. Listen, Patrick Mahomes throws a pick.

Daniel Jones throws a touchdown and Bill likes the chiefs to, you like the chiefs to cover 10 money line. Okay. Oh, this is going to be people are going to be tuning in Monday, including me. It's a fun one. Well, I'm going to be rooting for you guys. You know, I don't know why.

Patriots always did well against the chiefs. Something's wrong. That, you know, when, when your wife is talking about you, what, you know, he's got family running around hotels fighting. He's got, he's got things going on. There's a lot of things going on internally. And when that happens, things don't work on the field. We'll see.

I don't know, Paul. Why are the chiefs bad? I get in a big fight with my wife. I go out on the stage and I fucking crush it. Yeah, but it's different. You don't have to throw fucking touchdowns. It means different. It's what I do.

Yeah, but it's what they do. Paul, you vent. What do you think they're doing? They're going to take it out on the other team. Now, you know, this is new side of you now. You're like this psychologist every week. No, he's probably, God, this guy went out to a Hooters.

He's weighed down with the wings and the blue cheese. But I can't knock it. I mean, you're up by a couple of games. I mean, no, man. Dr. Paul, I like this. If my wife was doing that, I would, it would be good on stage, not playing in a professional game.

I'd be thinking about it in the huddle. Like, listen, we're going to turn that in his mind. No, you wouldn't. She fucking did that. Paul, you wouldn't. No, wait, what are we talking about? What happened? No, I just,

there's a lot of shit going on in the chiefs outside. How do you know? How do you know? Where are you getting this scuttle butt? I, that's what I heard. I was trying to figure out what's going on with the chiefs. And I was like, the chief stink. And somebody goes, yeah, dude, you hear about it.

You know, I don't want to talk about a guy's family, but you hear about the guy's dad in a hotel. And I was just like, all right, I don't, you know, seems like there's a lot of shit going on over there. So, you know, you know, that was kind of my, if I bet if you went around the league, there's a lot of shit going on in a lot of, you know, these are fucking true.

That's true. I could be wrong. I could be a hundred percent wrong. Okay. But there's nothing going on in the chief's locker room. They just a little lot of step with each other. Why are the chiefs this not like, why are the chiefs? Like you said, go from that good to this bad very quickly.

I don't know, Paul, why did you buy those red, gray and fucking white nikes? Cause cause it had Jordan's silhouette floating on it. Do you really like those? Those are fucking Katrina's three. Those, those look like the Ohio state ones. They bug me every week looking at that. No, no, don't, don't say that.

I don't like those fucking loud mouth Ohio state fans. Look up, look at the black. Um, I like those ones. Those ones are nice. So that's what we got. We got my home's pick. We got the chiefs on the money line and we got Dan Jones throwing a touchdown.

Dude, my home's pick, dude, that is a fucking, that's got to be good odds. Like that's got to be good money though, right? Of course it is. We're betting the long shot. I bet it happens. Giants D starting to play better. We'll see.

Paul, if you're right about that, if he throws a pick, I'm going to sing Connie Francis's, I'm sorry to you next week on the pot during this. What would you do if he threw a pick? I'm sorry. What would you do if you throw a pick? So sorry, huh? They, what would you do if he threw a pick?

They lost and then in the after interview, he just goes, yeah, man, shit at home on my wife. Andrew, play that, play that Andrew. It's got a lot of stuff going on, you know, a lot of stuff going on at home. Shouldn't know hotel. You guys all heard about that. I'm, I'm sorry.

All right. Let's, let's, that's it everybody. Thank you for listening to this. I hope you guys are going in some money. We're having a great time with bet MGM, the best lines in the business. Sign up and use bonus code. Burr and you could place your first bet risk free up to a thousand dollars.

Okay. If you lose your wager, you get your stack back up to a thousand and free bets. Paul Verzi keeping his head above 500. I mean, that's how that, we're, we're in, this is like legit Paul. Everybody thought it was a fluke in September. Hey, Paul Verzi's been on it.

Make no mistake. Me and you, both of us, this is a true statement here. Me and you both have better records than some professional NFL analyst right now. And I looked and that's, that's the money line. They're just picking. We're doing good. They should be on TV.

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and Utah and other states were prohibited. Promotional offers not available in Nevada. All right, everybody. Thanks again for listening. This has been the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. If you hang out, Andrew Thamelis, the Greek freak, as Paul Verzi calls them, will pick out some interlude music

here, enjoy the music, and then we have a bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast to help get you through your fucking cardio or your flight across the country to one of the great fat cities here in America. Have a great weekend, you cunts. I'm doubly in your window, Caught me off the tempo, miles outside to try to sleep.

Postal codes are changing, late to the rain, But stop trying to love him anyway, again, Cause it's all us, the plastic faces in the sunlight. Then I'm searching for you freely. I wanna tell you, but it's all I know. If I could see you again, then that holds you well. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne.

It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 28th, 2013, three days before Halloween, everybody. Ah, the little bastards are coming. You know, they're all going to come walking up to the door. Do you know the lovely Nia has canceled Halloween for this year? She was so fucking mad after last year. We went all out and I got the full-size candy bus, Right? Cause I wanted to be that house.

The fucking good shit house. Dude, you gotta go up to hell. Yeah, they got the full-size ones. You know, like people would actually say anything. The good people would. The future banker kids, they wouldn't say shit, you know? They'd sit there with their little fucking Fisher Price pocket watch and say,

Nothing to see here. Then they'd probably try to go back for seconds. But anyways, yeah, I'm behind. I gotta go eat a pumpkin. I gotta make my traditional pumpkin bread. And you can laugh all you want. It's the shit. And if you ever had it, you'd fucking apologize to me,

both verbally and in writing. That's how fucking good my pumpkin bread is. I'll put it up against any of you fucking ladies. And you fucking women out there, huh? You want to go head to head with my pumpkin bread? You know what I say? You know what I say? Say fucking bring it.

I'm joking. It's pretty fucking good though. It should be. Well, goddamn vegetable oil in it. It'd be fucking moist to February. But anyways, yeah, last year there was just like a bunch of like high school kids walking up with barely a costume on. They have that shit eating grin on their face.

You know that fucking age when kids get into high school and they think they're smarter than adults and they think adults are morons. Because, you know, when, you know, we're not listening to their fucking music or whatever the hell it is. Because they're starting to shave. They get that fucking look on their face, which is hilarious. I don't get mad at it because I did the same thing.

It's really fucking funny when you think about it, that you would think that I guess because when you look at adults, we got wrinkle wrinkles on our face. We got the pot belly. They forget about the experience, the life experience that we have. Like we're not fucking trying to do chin-ups here, sir. Young man. Okay, we're talking about a little business transaction here

with your dumb fucking fake mustache on. I know what the fuck you're doing. You think I didn't do that at your age? You little fucking three-whiskered cunt. Get the fuck off my porch. Now see, that's what I think we should do. I think we should still hand out the candy. Because Nia's dumb at the whole fucking thing.

I don't know, if you guys listened to my podcast from last year, there was some fucking guy. I don't know where what his accent was. But he wanted some candy with his kids. And this guy was like three years younger than me. And I just was like, really? Really? And he was just like, yes.

Like really? And he's like, yes. And I didn't know what to do. I fucking choked in the moment and I gave him candy. I should have been like, get the fuck out of here. What is your costume? Going as a fucking immigrant? That's what you are.

That's like me being a red-headed douche. Why don't you give me some of your fucking baklava? Whatever the fuck you make. So anyways, but I don't want to fuck over the kids. The kids are adorable. And you know, if they're going to get cavities, I'd like it to come from this house. They're going to be future little fat fucks.

I'd like to start right here on my front porch. So I think she's coming around. I think she's coming around. We went to the movies last night and we saw Gravity. We got to find ourselves a new kind of gravity. And that was fucking amazing. But you know what sucks? The last fucking, like the last five times I've gone to go see a movie in IMAX.

You know, Neil always sets it up and I always say, look, this is IMAX, right? This is IMAX. Yes, yes, it's IMAX, it's IMAX. There's like IMAX and then there's IMAX Lite, where it's the smaller screen. The only fucking time I've ever gone to a movie and I really saw it in IMAX is when I saw the Heath Ledger Batman.

And that was one of those deals where I couldn't see the cunts head in front of me and I felt like I was going to fall off the edge of the earth. Alright? That's IMAX. And what I saw last night was not IMAX. That was the, that was the Bud Light of IMAX, where it's, it is a giant screen, but like to me IMAX is all you can see is the screen in front of you.

So fucking annoying. Those douchebags down there in Universal City Walk, they got like three IMAX ones. They got the real one, you know, the Alec Baldwin one, and then they got the Billy Baldwin and the fucking Stephen Baldwin one. And if you're not careful when you go down there, they fucking pass you off. You know?

Not saying that it's not still a good experience, not saying that those aren't too fine actors, but it's not Alec Patriot Act. It's not him. Alright? So last night I was a little disappointed with that, but other than that it was fucking great. Sandra Bullock killed it.

And Jesus Christ. And it's just, just the thought of, I think I could actually, I could be at peace floating away from a station and dying that way, and slowly just having the oxygen go out. As lonely as that would seem. Just the fucking,

as long as I wasn't just twirling through the air, doing somersaults, and there's the earth, and there's the sun and there's the space, and there's the earth, and there's the sun, I couldn't fucking handle that. If I was just sitting there floating, looking back at earth and just sort of drifting away, I think that that would be a pretty fucking cool way to die.

Why do you just gradually go to sleep? I don't know, if you're breathing in only carbon dioxide, do you get like a headache? I mean, that way it's such a fucking peaceful way to go. If you're gonna die before your time. Okay? Okay, what do you have? You've fallen off a building.

Fuck! Splat! Right? That fucking, the fucking wind in your ears you're going down, making noise, the fucking whatever noise you'd make on the way down, fuck that!

Getting eaten, like I think beyond, would you rather get burned to death, burned alive, or get eaten by a shark? I mean, eating alive is fucking brutal. Like if I had to get eaten alive, I'm going with a big cat. Big cat in Africa.

It's fucking over. After seeing the lion tamer there, which really, that's really just a title. Nobody tames a fucking lion. You basically, you had a good day. You're on a good run, but you know what's gonna happen eventually.

You know what I mean? That's like getting an honorary doctorate from a fucking school. I have an honorary doctorate from Harvard. Great. Well, you're not smarter than anybody, or you're not even as smart as anybody who went to this school. You just wrote the Macarena, or you fucking had your own sitcom.

You know? And they knew that all those eggheads were going to be boring as hell when they were given speeches on graduation day, so they brought you in. You're a fucking clown, and they gave you a piece of paper. That's the same thing with lion tamers. All right?

You're not taming them. Okay? You're trying to break their spirit, but at the end of the day, they're a fucking lion, and they're the king of the beast. Okay? Although some would say that the Bengal tiger could kick the shit out of a lion. I don't know about kick the shit out of him,

but I don't know. But anyways, just watching that lion tamer in Vegas, like when that thing grabbed him by the throat, that dude went limp in like fucking two seconds. It was like the UFC.

You know, when someone gets choked out, you get choked out real fucking quick. So I wouldn't want to get mauled. Like, I wouldn't want to get attacked by a bear. They're very sloppy. You know what I mean? They're very, like, rip your face off and, you know, eat a little buddy in and come back later

after they took a nap kind of shit. I like lions, tigers. They just get right to it. They grab you by your fucking throat in two seconds. That's it. You're out. You're dead. It's over. And then they, you know, then they have a meal.

I wonder if any of us tastes better than the others. Like, if you ate healthy, if you're like a... if you eat like a macrobiotic diet, if you're like a grass-fed cattle, as opposed to when I saw like me smoking cigars,

drinking booze, occasionally going to McDonald's, do I taste more like, you know, Drake's cakes, some dried out shit? I don't know. But anyways, when you look at all those, and then the worst of all the getting eaten alive, other than a fucking Komodo dragon,

which would basically bite you and then slowly follow you around for the next three days as the poison takes over, you know, as you're laying there and the thing's like two feet away, you know, just staring at you. It's a lizard tongue

flicking at the side of your face, but not eating you, you know? That's fucking horrific. Plus, you know, reptiles, they just don't have any... There's no emotion. They're heartless. They don't give a fuck.

Mammals, even like a lion or something, they have some sort of understanding what the fuck it is they're doing, you know, reptiles are like the Terminator. Not even. Terminator could talk. I don't know what the fuck they are, but they freak me out. I don't like them.

I really don't. I respect mammals. I have... I don't like reptiles. There, I made that statement, and I'm sure I'm going to get some backlash on that, and I'm prepared to go and CNN and defend myself when I go and split screen with some fucking lizard lover. But anyways,

I could die like that. I definitely could. As long as I wasn't cold, as long as that suit held up and I was just sort of floating, that would kind of be the most... That would be the ultimate premature death.

If you're going to die in your 30s, 40s or whatever, I still had half my life ahead of me or whatever. As long as I wasn't tumbling, if I was just sitting there floating, on the planet, for the last 20 years of my life, that's pretty fucking awesome.

You know, me and Lance Bass up there just hanging out. I don't fucking know. I have no idea. So anyways, I am seven days in. No, six days in. No booze. Shut it down. I'm getting the glow back.

All right? Doosan? Although yesterday was a bad day, exercise day for me. I just sat on the couch all fucking day and gave a fuck. You know, just watched sports all day and gave a shit.

Who's the worst? I watched that Patriots Dolphins game with... Right out of the gate. My thanks to the officiating crew that worked that game. I am trying to remember the last time I've watched a game

where my team got so many fucking huge calls to keep the drive going. That pass interference call on that defensive back against Gronkowski was criminal. Criminal. I believe that gave us...

Kept the drive alive and we got three points on that one. And then they had the phantom hands to the face, flag thrown three, like three, four seconds after the play ended. Travesty. And then there was the fumble. And they said the Dolphins

slapped it forward or whatever. That's one of those borderline, was he reaching forward or whatever. But after those other two fucking ones, we get the benefit of the doubt again. Brady got sacked, he fumbled the ball and the ball went ten yards back in the other direction. We got the ball back and it was first down.

Lost 15 yards and still somehow it was first down and we were able to come back and beat him. And the Patriots are overachieving this year. It's really an unreal, I can't believe the record that

what are we, six and two? Is that what it is? We lost to the Jets and we lost to the Bengals. But you know, I'm not like, I'm a realist. I know what's going to happen when we play the Broncos. I know what's going to happen if we played the Seahawks or if we played the Colts or even the 49ers.

Look, I know Belichick is a fucking genius and that we can somehow I don't know what, but at this point you know, that was what was driving me fucking nuts yesterday is they start the goddamn game and they talk about how the Patriots

have injuries at all three levels on their defense. We're missing our best guy, Vince Wilfork, our defensive line, best guy, plus Kelly, our best linebacker, Mayo is out for the season, our best corner, Akib Tlaib, they're all out.

They're all fucking out. Hernandez went to fucking jail. Gronk just got back. Amandola is fucking in and out. We got nothing going on. You know, so they address that and then the end of the game I'm watching Hall of Fame

fucking players talking about Brady's numbers and how his numbers are down. I'm going, this is an atypical, I mean a top Brady with 125 yards passing it's like you just fucking said how about Tom Brady, somehow we're

fucking six and two with nobody fucking nobody. We got nobody. We got Gronk back, but we got fucking nobody and we're somehow winning goddamn games and I don't know. So I am a realist, so despite the fact

that we're six and two, you know, I know the hammers coming down. I know it is even if we win the division and all that I mean, I'm not delusional at all and then after I'm dealing with that shit, I actually call up Verzi to talk about these moron fucking analysts

and Verzi I'm gonna start, he's just sprinkling his fairy dust on the New York Giants like every fucking week, right? They're 0-1-1, 0-1-2 and he's just going like, dude, you know, I think we're gonna win next week, 0-1-3, dude, I think we're

gonna win next week, 0-1-4, 0-1-6, right? And he starts going like, dude, you know, I think we can go on a fucking run here and blah, blah, blah, right? So now they've won two weeks in a row. Okay? And I know they're not, they're nowhere as near as bad as their fucking record, but

Verzi fucking yesterday did the classic Paul Verzi. Okay? I remember when the Patriots played the Giants the first time in the Super Bowl, right before the Super Bowl starts, he goes, dude, I'm telling you, I think the Giants could surprise some people today.

That's what he said. I think they could surprise some people today. He wasn't saying they are. He wasn't putting any money on it. He just threw it out there. Which is perfect, because if they do, he gets to be like, dude, what'd I say? And then if they didn't, he goes, well, I just said, you know,

I just had a feeling. Fucking that non-committal shit. So now he goes, the NFC fucking east is so fucking pathetic this year. The Giants started 0-6. They're now 2-6, and they're only two games out of first.

They could actually win their division. All right? Which is classic Giants that last like seven years. It's just like the planets aligned for these guys. It is their fucking time. So what does Verzi say yesterday? He goes, dude, I'm telling you, I

think they could go on a run. They could win the Super Bowl. Perfect! Perfect fucking prediction. Didn't say they're gonna... Didn't put anybody down. He throws it out there, so I'm guaranteeing you. If the Giants

win the Super Bowl, he's gonna go, dude, I called it because he threw it out there. I swear to God, it's listening to that guy predicts shit. It's like watching a guy play roulette. Who just comes up with chips and just fucking dumps them on a bunch of different numbers. Ah, fucking.

It drives me insane. And please send this clip to him. You don't even need to, because I'm gonna give him shit about it today. And I actually like the Giants and that type of thing. And I think that they could go on a fucking run. And who knows if they get healthy? I mean, who knows? But I mean, I don't know.

I don't see them... I don't know. The Saints, the fucking Seahawks. There's a lot of guys to get through. You know what I mean? The reason why the NFL is great is everybody does have a fucking shot. Especially if you play in the fucking NFC East.

But I don't know. I'm gonna give him some shit. I'm gonna tell him right now. I'm gonna call that fucker today. And I'm gonna say, listen, I want you to put money on it right now that the Giants are gonna win the fucking Super Bowl. And if you don't put money down on it,

then I don't want to hear a fucking word out of you. Yeah. You know what's a classic Paul Versey pick? Uh, Xander Bogarts. Uh, I was watching that shit. You know, just watching the guy. I heard a little hype about him. I read a little bit about him.

And then I watched like two at bats. And I'm watching this 21-year-old kid working the count in the fucking World Series. And I'm like, this is a Versey pick right here. He would jump on the bandwagon. I'm telling you, I think this kid could do something. Oh, is he gonna be pissed at me? I'm just fucking with you, Paul.

But for the love of God, just say some shit's gonna happen and put some fucking money on it. Stop with your fucking... I'll tell you, you know, I think it could rain this week. Um, all right. Plowing ahead here. A lot of sports this fucking week, as always.

I feel really bad because I've been neglecting my Bruins. I know we lost to the Devils. And I know we beat... I think we beat San Jose crazy in our last second shot. I've just been... wrapped up watching baseball. And, uh... I gotta tell you, dude, I did not miss it.

Watching playoff baseball when your team is in it will take fucking 30 years off your life per game. And, um... And I know that's not a unique experience. I know Tigers fans have gone through it and I know Cardinals fans have gone through it,

certainly with us being two... two games apiece. And, um... I gotta tell you, it's been exciting, but I fucking hate baseball. I can't handle watching the shit. I hate that there's no fucking clock. It just...

I hate that you just can't fucking win a game easily. You can't just be up a bunch of fucking runs and everything's good. You can't just be up four to one and it's all good. You know, at some point. At some point.

Between the sixth and the eighth inning, the other team is somehow going, hey, walks the first guy on base and then it's just gonna be this fucking nightmare and then they're gonna take the guy out and some other fucking stiff is gonna come in. And it's just... I have Tourette's

when I watch it. I have to walk away. I have to go in the other room. I have to put the thing on mute because I'm convinced Tim McCarver hates the Red Sox and the Yankees. I learned that he hates the Yankees through Verzi. And, you know, he's a former Cardinal. I just think he just fucking...

And I'm really trying to listen objectively going, is this guy criticizing the Cardinals the way he's criticizing slash predicting possible bad shit for the Red Sox? Fucking guy drives me up the goddamn wall.

Um... And he says positive shit about Ortiz and positive shit about Xander Bogarts. And other than that it's just gloom and doom with that guy. Drives me up the fucking wall. But I have no idea who's gonna win

this series and it's been a great series so far and two of the most bizarre endings to games. Games out three and four and that obstruction thing. I'm not gonna be a bitch and complain about it. I don't know what the rule is like most baseball fans.

The first time I saw the definition of it and I don't fucking know. I mean, I think it's more positive way of looking at it is probably we shouldn't have thrown the ball down to third base slash we probably should have caught the ball and I don't know how you call

obstruction when you miss the first half of the collision. That would be my only part of it. But it seemed like everybody including our own manager said they got it right so they got it right. The fuck you gonna do? Um, whatever.

It's tied up to anybody's fucking game and I hope we're gonna win. I'm obviously I want the Red Sox to win but I really want us to win because I can tell how much Verzi wants us not to win. How much he fucking hates the Red Sox and their

fucking beards and their anti anti Yankee dress code. It's driving him like the level that he gives a fuck makes me laugh because it reminds me of the ridiculousness of why do I care. It's like especially with Verzi it's like

why the fuck dude you got 27 championships if we win this one it's our 8th what is the problem? But he for some reason fucking hates the Red Sox. You know for the most part other than 0-4 in the last fucking

nine years we've done nothing but wonderful things for the Yankees and you know you think if Chicago could find it in their hearts to thank us you know you think that a Yankee fan like Verzi could say something nice you know but I don't think he has

it in him. I'm just fucking with him. Alright let's do a little advertising here for this week. What do we got here? What do we got the usual? Oh this is the one that's been blowing up and I've been getting nothing but positive reviews everybody. Are you a man? That probably means

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slash bill so you can get the extended free trial and that they know that we sent you. Go to huluplus.com slash bill now or click on the huluplus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. There you go. Anybody watch Fast and Loud this week? I taped a bunch of episodes

and I have a new favorite car. I've always been a Ford guy and the dude Casey on the show paints the cars which I think is so fucking badass. I was never really into the body work. At first I was into watching them do the suspensions and dropping motors in and that type of thing

but over the years of watching the shit on YouTube and watching people redoing cars and stuff I'm really starting to get into the knowing how to paint the car. It looks so fucking easy but I watched Richard do it one week and he sucked at it

so I really see that there's an art to it but anyways that dude Casey on the show had this 55 Ford Custom Line and I think that's what Custom Line or Custom Line are I had never heard of it. I was always sweating the fucking bell airs

thinking that Chevy was doing it right and let me look this up here. Yeah, Custom Line and they redid that one and they painted it fucking all white. They took the chrome off of it. That car was the shit and then they ended up selling it to Mark Cuban

of the Dallas Mavericks and I swear to God if you ever get sick of that car I'd buy it I'd buy it off of them. I don't know if I'd pay what the fuck he paid for it. I don't know that kind of money but Jesus such a badass fucking car so anyways

I'm in town after you know I've been on the road this whole basically this entire year and I got a two week break here and I've been really enjoying myself just hanging around the house finally I gotten back into playing drums a little bit

I'm doing that Mike Johnston 10 days to faster hands workout. I highly recommend it I'm six days in as of today I'm finally able to stick with it just because you know when I travel I kind of barnstorm around where it's like a different city every night and it's really hard you know you bring a practice pad

your drumsticks and trying to find a table high enough it's a big pain in the ass so making sure that I'm doing it this time I'm sticking with it and anyways I'm getting back into all my hobbies believe it or not this week I'm actually

going to try to make homemade ravioli I don't know I'm all over the fucking map Nia said that to me the other day she goes you're all over the map you have ADD you play drums, you play guitar you make pumpkin bread you know

you can fix cars a little bit the outskirts basically I can't really fix cars I can do a little bullshit on it I could have fucked up my seatbelt I could have put that in that's a couple of bolts I can handle that shit whatever you ride motorcycles a little bit you're all over the fucking map

and I was like wait a minute but I stuck with stand-up comedy I've been doing that for 22 years straight she goes yeah well you know yeah well you know that's the fucking thing I do everything else is the other shit I do isn't that right Cleo look at her over there she got her two beds

stacked up on each other like a fucking double cheeseburger I've never seen anything sleep more in its life than that dog oh by the way I'm doing a benefit this Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday I'm doing a benefit for pitbulls

rescued pitbulls and it's gonna be down at Largo theater this Sunday that would be November second or third November third I'm gonna be down there with a bunch of other comedians a bunch of dog lovers

who the hell else is on it I can't remember me Whitney Cummings a couple other people and I did this benefit last year and it's a great cause and what's even it's even better is they bring a bunch of pitbulls down there and uh it really is my favorite fucking dog

it's just the best they get the best heads they're fucking jacked you know you should see my dogs my dogs legs it's ridiculous her back legs when she goes to stretch I'm telling I've said this before you remember that roadrunner um episode

well Wiley Coyote took that shit to make him run really fast and he's running and he had the flames remember that he took it was like roids for his thighs that's what a fucking legs look like um and every morning she wakes up and I squeeze I'm like shaman

um alright hey last week I talked about the green piece 30 and now they got arrested for piracy and just like was there any sort of thought behind you know you're boarding a goddamn Russian I don't know drilling platform

what the fuck did you think was gonna happen so they got arrested for piracy and I'm gonna really follow this uh I'm really gonna follow this story to see what happens it's just insane like right now they are first of all it got dropped down

let's see here green green piece Arctic Arctic 30s plight highlights the inhumanity of Russian jails alright that's a different one um it's now a month now since the 30 green piece activists arrested for attempting to board the I'm not even gonna try

to say it why not I'll give you a laugh Preya Zamo Lama Yamaha fucking oil platform were transferred from police lockups to remand prisons in mermans the mermans region in the Arctic Circle

that really scared the shit out of me like I literally thought that they were on just they built these jails on the ice but it's sort of the one of the most north I think it's the most northwest city in Russia basically it

butts up against like Finland Sweden Norway like the top of those countries so they're kind of all the way up there in these goddamn jails and um where the hell is it here they actually were able to uh

they reduced the charges so they're now Russian drops piracy charges cuts maximum jail term in half acts of his face up to seven years in prison if convicted basically they I think they knocked it down to uh

I don't know almost like hooligan behavior says Russia on Wednesday dropped the piracy charges against 30 people involved in a green piece pro ah sorry about that the batteries cut out on me uh speaking of green peace I was trying to make sure I used up all

my other batteries before I fucking throw them out because I don't know where the fuck to recycle them um where the hell was I um I'll just start it over again they dropped the piracy charges blah blah blah blah blah they face up to seven years

down from 15 years the charges against the activists who protested the platform um last month have been changed from piracy to hooliganism the federal investigator committee said and there's a whole green piece thing if you guys want to get involved and try to help to get these

knuckleheads out of jail um I don't know like protesting this is a really sad truth protesting is difficult enough in your own country even if you have a democracy because you know the cops are going to show up

you know what the deal is and as much as you tell everybody just remain peaceful and then they won't club us down somebody eventually ends up throwing a rock or doing something or some conspiracy theorists say that the government

hires somebody to go in with the protesters and throw something so then the cops can then beat them down and tear gas them I don't know if that's fucking true but I'd love to think it is um it's hard enough to fucking do it in your own country I gotta give it up the fucking balls

those people had to try and do that um and just the situation that they're in reminds me of that documentary I saw on the ganja queen did you guys ever see that it was basically this lady that went to Bali

and um according to her she loaded a boogie board with a boogie you know she checked that and that was her carry on and then when she got off the uh the plane the Bali state fucking troopers

came over and said hey is that your boogie board fucking satchel and she goes yeah it is and then they opened it up and there was all this weed in there it was all this weed man and they don't in Indonesia they don't fuck around

when it comes to drugs they have a zero tolerance for it and if you get busted with the shit I think they put you to death is what they usually do and they say that I just did Tom Rhodes podcast which started to talk about this

and they basically uh he's been to Bali and I was like dude don't you get scared and you just sort of laugh he goes no I just don't bring any drugs into the country and I'm just kind of like well

what if just something happens what if somebody next to you has him and just shoves him in your pocket I know that's a ridiculous fear but like you know what I mean look I'll go to another country and the country is that if you kill somebody

it's punishable by death and I can live within that because I just can be like well you know I'm not going to kill anybody I think it's because over here if you get busted with weed and a lot of states now it's legal

and then um and if you get busted it's like no big deal unless of course you have a bunch of it and you get busted for trafficking that's a whole other deal but I mean it's not like somebody can just drop a bunch of kilos of weed on you and plant that on you

stick them in your fucking backpack you're going to know they're there but just the fact that you have one goddamn joint on you like dude I would walk into that country naked I come in with

a fucking speedo I'd get a colonic the week before I would juice for a fucking month and I would have a cattle prod and keep all other passengers away from me and I would walk into there wearing a goddamn thong

and that's the only way and even then I would be scared punishable by fucking death Jesus Christ so anyways if you if you if you want to watch something really disturbing um watch this ganja queen was what she was called in the papers over there

they opened up her boogie board uh satchel or whatever the fuck you call it carry on case and there was a bunch of weed in there and uh she they they were like we're going to put you to death in the Australian whatever the fucking syndicate whatever

you call it the embassy tried to get this woman out of it and uh just watch that documentary this this I mean obviously the Greenpeace 30 they're not going to get put to death but sitting here scrolling across the maps here looking at this shit

where Bali is over and there's Murmansk there it is right there Jesus Christ just fuck that how the fuck is anybody going to help you oh my god that's why I always do that amnesty international because that is a fucking

fear of mine just being thrown in a goddamn jail do you ever watch remember that show Arrested Abroad did you ever see that thing I watched that with Nia one time and Nia loves traveling she goes that that made me never want to fucking go anywhere

again in my life but it's just it was one of those things it was always like these fucking people were trying to smuggle drugs out of the country I mean I'm trying to think of something that takes more balls than that I'm sure that you guys can come up with something but you know

just being in a country where if you get caught you're going to go into that goddamn gulag and you're not going to be able to speak the language I mean talk about a man without a fucking country and you're going to have to go in there

I mean Jean-Claude Van Damme the height of his powers is getting fucking ass raped in that situation it's just you're done you're fucking finished Jesus Christ I mean I get not working in a cubicle they wanted to make you fucking money

but there's gotta be some other talent that God gave you where you can make money that doesn't involve shoving a key a coke up your fucking ass trying to get out of Columbia there's gotta be another way to do it right riding your fucking moped to the airport

on unpaved roads there has to be a better way there's gotta be a better way to do it um anyways let's fucking move on here are we far enough into the podcast here now that the thing cut out I gotta do the math here

I was like 35 ah Jesus I don't fucking know let's uh let's read a um I think I went through everything that I wanted to talk about didn't I oh yeah I'm a little out of it here I haven't eaten yet today cause last night I ate late

late at night I ate it like one in the morning I think is when I finally stopped eating um came home had one of those fucking uh antipasta plates and uh like fucking one in the morning and I adhere by that rule that you go 12 hours after your last meal

like if you eat at 8 o'clock at night eat the next day 8 in the morning I stayed up to one in the morning so I'm not eating until one in the afternoon alright that's how you become a tub of shit right you go to bed at one you wake up at 7 30 in the morning you have to go to work and then you eat a bacon egg and cheese or a fucking donut and it's over it's fucking over

so uh that's it I tell you I got down to like fucking a buck seventy I told you I was gonna get into uh sitting down no shirt on shape that's what I want to get back to just one more fucking time in my life you know they're always making

these movies you know they're gonna do it one more time they got one coming out that I'm gonna go see that that one with deniro uh uh Michael Douglas and fucking uh Morgan Freeman Alan Arcano

I think he's in there too I don't know if they're all in there but like I'm gonna go see you know they're doing it one more time right that's what the fuck I'm doing with my stomach and uh I'm having a hell of a time because if you just stop eating you end up losing muscle all of a sudden I look down at my arm I had the arms of a seventh grader and I still had my little

fucking beer belly you know looking like a goddamn turtle right now so I gotta do something I gotta I gotta fucking eat more meat fucking do uh more I don't know what I gotta do probably have to get a personal trainer I don't want to do that if somebody holding my ankles and I'm doing sit ups

I can't fucking do that shit hahahaha I was speaking to Michael Douglas you know I finally sat down and I watched behind the candelabra you know I am um I'm too homophobic

I was too homophobic to watch it and uh you know this is the thing about being homo being homophobic there's all different levels of it like that word oh he's homophobic and then you get it like you think gays are going to hell and they shouldn't be married

and what they're doing is unnatural I'm not homophobic like that um I think you know being gay is just how you naturally wired so it's completely natural and go out and fucking have at it you know

fuck as many as you can do your thing I don't give a fuck get married have a hell of a fucking time you know God bless you but uh I get like I don't know what it is in movies

when there's guys kissing each other and caressing each other it makes me fucking uncomfortable and then there was something about watching Douglas and Matt Damon playing footsie with each other like that fucking I didn't want to see him in a hot tub together

I couldn't fucking watch it I'm getting uncomfortable talking about it but whatever I'm being honest so anyways I was on the road or something I don't know where the fuck I was at I was back in Boston and it came on and I watched the second half of it and I gotta

tell you something that was it was absolutely fucking phenomenal it was fucking hilarious I'm gonna have Neon here at some point and do her Michael Douglas impression going scat scat I can't do it as well as she can

um they were Michael Douglas and Matt Damon killed it in that fucking movie and uh and I was actually rooting for Matt Damon's character I felt bad for him it's like dude you gotta get out of this relationship

fucking up your face you gotta get off the drugs you know he's bringing in some younger guy you gotta get out of here man go take some night classes do something else what the fuck are you doing with this old man

with sparkly fucking coats and his goddamn toupee you know what I mean he's using you I got into it like that that's how well it was done I highly recommend that find the candelabra old fucking homophobe Billy he liked it

um not 100% homophobe well 20% homophobe um is that offensive to say homophobe am I supposed to say homophobic there's something about abbreviating shit that makes people annoyed

like you're not supposed to say tranny anymore and you know what's funny I don't even know if that's short for transvestite or transsexual I don't understand why that's bad that's like if he names Mike and somebody hey Mikey that's that bad

you know that's really offensive my name is Michael thank you very much transvestite tranny what do you say dick in a dress what are you doing there buddy sweet out you know you can't fucking say that

evidently despite if in your heart you don't think there's anything wrong fuck if that's what you want to do God bless you you know God bless you put on some fucking heels walk down the street and let people know what you're doing um I don't give a shit I really don't

I really don't just fucking don't play your music too loud don't trick a treat past a certain age and uh I don't know what else if you're drunk I don't mind if you talk to me when you're drunk just you know keep your distance

is there anything worse than what somebody I had somebody over the weekend I was down at the comedy store and just somebody was fucking wasted and they just you know somebody's wasted and they just come up to you you're in the middle of a conversation and they say yeah fucking

they become like you know like toddlers don't give a fuck how they they have no concept of two people talking they'll just barge in on the conversation and they'll they'll just I think I used to do a bit on this I don't even know if I ever put it on a special I used to talk about how they were like they were like

drunks and they would just start in the middle of the conversation middle of a story and let you try and figure it out um I don't even want to talk about it let's let's let's read uh let's read some of this shit here um alright it's 29 too old

hey there Billy Bandwagon for those of you who don't follow me on twitter I uh been going by Bill Bandwagon watching the Red Sox uh I gotta tell you right now I am not Bill Bandwagon anymore after fucking aging 30 years watching all of these goddamn games I am back to die hard

I'm not die hard maybe I am maybe maybe I'll come back to watching uh baseball we'll see the jury is out but uh Bill Bandwagon left after we lost two games in a row and there was the obstruction call he took off and die hard Bill

fucking hung around alright anyways first he says I just want to say love the podcast and your comedy specials well thank you very much uh he goes my question do you think 29 is too old to start doing stand up um I have a decent full time job

as a paralegal and consider myself lucky to be gainfully employed however life in an office is miserable and it gets worse as the years pile on I'm not quitting anytime soon but I've thought about starting to try open mics to see if I'm any good and maybe

maybe and maybe what maybe help me be a little more outgoing what do you think is it still possible when you're damn near 30 thanks and go fuck yourself dude absolutely absolutely

and this is the thing yeah don't quit your day job that's what I did I had a day job and I was like let me try this stand up thing and I started doing it and I immediately loved it and I just kept working on it working on it but I didn't leave my

day job until I actually kept my day job when I could have left it I was making enough money where I could live but I kept my day job because I knew I was moving down to New York and I wanted to save up some money so I could um

because I knew that I you know I wasn't going to show up in New York and they all great this fucking guy we don't knows here let's give him a bunch of stage time and I have to struggle so I would absolutely 100% if you're thinking about trying it

definitely try even if you just do it one time you did it you did it I went skydiving one time I have to tell you guys that story I went skydiving one time I did a static line jump in Pepero Massachusetts back in the day and uh

I almost had a problem they said sit in the door get out go so you sit in the door they open the door to the plane you sit in the door and then when they say get out you put your feet you put one foot your left foot on this almost

looks like an engine mount that's above one of the wheels of this fucking plane and then you're hanging on to the support for the wing that is above the fucking plane you're basically like a goddamn wing walker and then

if you leaned up against a bar if you put your body at a 45 degree angle and you leaned up against a bar in the upright push up position and then you went down like you were coming down to the floor that's basically the position you're in like you're down to the floor except it's the support to the wing

and then you have one foot on the engine what looks like an engine mount and then you have another foot pointed straight out behind you because what you're gonna do it says you know sit in the door get out and go when he slaps your shoulder you let go

of the fucking plane which makes no fucking sense and then you bring that other leg up parallel to where your other one was sitting out and then you arc alright and what I did was a static line jump so I don't have to pull the shoot but I don't have anybody with me

it's a static line jump and as you let go it pulls your shoot and you go arc one thousand two one thousand three one thousand look nothing look reach pull I still remember that shit like it was yesterday two one thousand three one thousand

and it's look you turn to see your parachute to see if it's opened if it's open property properly but look if nothing look you look down to where your reserve is because if you don't look where it is for some reason you might not be able

to grab it so look if nothing look reach pull and then you pull your reserve shoot and hopefully that thing fucking opens or you're going to bounce so he was going sit in the door and I was like what he's going sit in the door I thought he said close the door

he's going sit in the door so I sit in the door and then he goes get out I got out and then he said go and when I let go I didn't arc I tried to grab for something and I started doing front flips

it was coming out and I felt it going by the inside of my right leg I felt this something touch my right thigh and I was going oh my god I'm going to get wound up in this fucking thing and I don't know who packed that shoot

but thank god it fucking came out and then you had like a little transistor radio or some shit on your shoulder and then they just talked you down you know right toggle left toggle you had to pull it all the way down to your knee there was this fat chick in the class and she couldn't get it around her ass

and she ended up landing across the street in a pile of loom and she dislocated her knee fortunately that did not happen for me and it was pretty awesome but I did it that one time never needed to do it again and I have the story I have the experience so maybe stand up will just be that for you

or you could have the experience that I had where the first time I walked to the microphone I felt like it was like an out of body experience like I was watching myself do it and it was I found my calling in life

which is probably one of the most exciting things other than finding the person you're supposed to be with in life so I got to tell you this dude if you're in your office every day and it is a miserable thing that could mean that you're not

you don't have the right job or you need some sort of outlet maybe you're working too hard and maybe just going out and doing this one night and kind of remembering to try that going out and trying new things is a fun thing to do that you don't have to just be 100% about your career

I think that's the thing a lot of fucking adults forget to do after a while and you have that thing once you get your life down you know I get up at this hour I drive down this street I go to work, I do the same thing every day

I'm comfortable, I know everybody there's no new challenges and then no one's going to make fun of me like they did on the playground and punch me in the face for having freckles you can really get caught in that and then you get in a rut so I don't know if you're just in a rut with work

or whatever but I would definitely recommend going out and trying to stand up, believe me dude I'm having more fun with it than I ever had years in and I never feel like well, I've had some struggles

but you do with anything but when I'm on stage doing it I never feel like I don't feel like how you feel in the office but I'm not going to lie to you before I started selling tickets it was just a fucking awful show

and there was no security and everything but anything worth having everybody would do it so anyways, I'm getting too long winded here go out and try it next one dear bill

you ruined the hobbit he said I'm a big fan of the podcast and your comedy unfortunately I made the mistake of looking up your comedy on youtube and came across the clip where you took a shit on lord of the rings you know what's funny, I don't even remember doing half of this shit he said it was the scene

where the himself summons shadow facts the lord of all horses oh jesus and you pointed out how ridiculous that was oh I remember that I am the lord of all horses

it's just so fucking over the top he goes I don't consider myself to be a big nerd but I do love star wars lord of the rings and all that nerd stuff I like all of that shit I watched the hobbit for the first time yesterday they said something ridiculous

I pictured your ginger mug going oh jesus I was literally laughing every 30 seconds well there you go then I turned lord of the rings into a comedy for you um you know I saw a clip of one of those things where the guy just looks like

he has elf ears and he talks to the I'm assuming a wizard why don't wizards ever get a haircut you know take a shave why can't you be a clean cut wizard are you so busy

moving fucking mountains you know somebody get one of those little toiletry bags the straight razor I was watching one of those things and I remember the fuck I was at

so I went on a plane I watched a tv it's all running together at this point my age the days fly by so quick you can't even remember did I dream that or did my neighbor say it I can't even fucking remember but I was watching one of those elf movies and

the fucking lead dude with the Karl Malden nose and the spock ears he found he found a ring now for some reason I thought the ring the lord of the rings like if you had the rings I thought the rings were like you know those magic rings that hacky magicians pull apart

I thought that they were that big it looked like you found a wedding ring I don't fucking know anyways so he said he was laughing every 30 seconds he said I hope you're happy that my enjoyment of the hobbit was a casualty

on your war on nerds I don't have a war on nerds I just call them out on their shit how arrogant is that I just try to keep them honest I do think that they should teach nerds how to fight rather than trying to stop bullying because you're not going to end bullying

you know it's like I started watching the the ultimate fighter where they have these the women fighters now and I'm telling when I watch when I watch those women fight I get like like psyched for

going like I hope some pervert tries to grab her ass like I hope a rapist like I would never wish that on any of them but for the love of God the next time a rapist tries to rape a woman a woman like if she has the fucking skills

that the women on the the ultimate fighter I mean it's just going to be it's just going to be a great day for humanity um you got to see that show dude these women like for the most part they they spar with men because I don't think there's enough women in the sport

or whatever so these guys are kind of half assing it and the women are going like it's you know it's okay to hit me in the face I'm just sitting there like watching the guy fighter still pulling his punches because it just goes against everything that you were taught

and everything that is just right in the world to ball your fist up and actually swing and punch a woman is just like I just don't think Christmas would ever be the same after that like it just would just be something you just

you just would lose something um but anyways I mean they they like I can tell you without a doubt every woman on that show would beat the living shit out of me I wouldn't have a prayer there's nothing you

can do once that that makes martial arts you know if a woman like a woman boxer you have a chance you can out wear and you can just fucking just shoot her legs and fucking put her on her back and just smother her with a pillow from the couch right you got a shot but that UFC shit

you take it to the ground and then what then they're gonna fucking put you in an arm bar they're gonna choke you out it's gonna be over so of course me being a guy being a fucking pig I of course got to look at them in a sexual way and I'm like going like alright how do you rock that girls

world in the fucking bedroom and I don't mean the girly ones I mean the fucking ones that are like the one with the one who's a champion the heavyweight champion or whatever like I don't know what her name is but that one I was just sitting there going alright what would she like

in bed that's gonna go she is gonna go one way or the other she is either exactly what you think she is you know like the fucking Chicago Bears are exactly what they were we let him off the hook

she's either exactly what you think she's gonna be well she's gonna be dominant in fucking holding you down slash scaring the shit out of you wondering if she's gonna rip your dick off or I would actually bet

I don't know if you went the other way that she would actually be submissive she'd be so sick of beating the shit out of guys down in the octagon that she would actually almost like one of those fucking Wall Street guys

that's calling all the shots and then it just gets so fucking sick of dominating the entire fucking planet that late at night goes to one of those S&M things and gets on a swing with one of those orange balls in his mouth I don't fucking know but that's the shit I think

of when I watch that show you should definitely watch The Ultimate Fighter dude they had this woman she looked like a fucking librarian or you know this nerd she lost but I just thought it was fucking awesome just looking at her going like look at that woman

you would have no clue you'd have no clue that you know if you talk some shit to her that she would just start raining elbows down on you I just think it's amazing it's really fucking amazing anyways let's get on with the so I guess I ruined the podcast for this guy

I gotta read the last paragraph here he says also it might be a good idea to watch the movie and record your reactions oh dude I can't sit through that shit it's too fucking long he goes there's a scene where a wizard called

Radigast Radigast the brown is being chased by wargs, big wolves riding a sleigh pulled by bunny rabbits dude this movie like I would think that more

people who were into hallucinogens would actually watch this movie because that actually sounds pretty amazing he says Gandalf goes you can't outrun these wargs they are vermilion wargs the other wizard actually responds

there are oh these are and then he says in parenthesis some corny fantasy place rabbits I'd like to see them try oh so he goes you can't outrun the war these wargs they are vermilion wargs and he said

well these are lilaputian rabbits I'd like to see them try that's actual fucking dialogue he goes and then they actually zoom in on his face with the look of pseudo badass determination you know what dude I think I'm gonna watch that movie

I think I'll eat up like a fucking pot cookie maybe I'll watch it I don't wanna do that though I don't wanna put that on YouTube me fucking high giggling like a fucking school girl watching some wizard on a fucking rabbit I don't wanna do that publicly

carry underwood she's a singer right he said I recently listened to your podcast or is that one of those guys with a woman name you know like that Shamar guy what the fuck his name is does the hair products

doesn't he he goes I recently listened to your podcast concerning the song Before He Cheats by carry underwood very funny by the way you might be interested to know how she has a new song she has a new song out that takes that theme to a completely new level

in the song Two Black Cadillacs a woman discovers her husband is cheating on her apparently the mistress didn't realize he was married because she and the wife collaborate on murdering the guy not just destroying his truck and humiliating him

in front of a new girl they end the guy's life here are a few lines from the end of the song alright it says yeah they took turns laying a rose down through a handful of dirt deep into the ground

he's not the only one who had a secret to hide so I'm thinking about writing my own country song the title might be something like cold dinner raw knuckles yeah well you know that's one of those double standards that you understand why it exists

you know it's not like women go around killing guys all the fucking time when it really comes to violence guys do it more to women than the other way around and uh it's one of the things that makes it being a guy funny because if a woman actually like

to the point of like cutting your dick cut off by a woman like it's just considered funny like well dude she cut your dick off like other guys just think it's hilarious we're not gonna wear pink you know for all the guys who got their dicks fucking sliced off and thrown in a garbage disposal well not

we're just gonna laugh at you um whatever you know what I really hear that I really don't hear that as an anti-man thing I hear somebody who's struggling to find a follow-up hit and is going back to the well possibly won too many times but then again I listened to AC DC

and they had like three or four themes that they have been doing for 40 years and I think they sound better better than ever right they sing about their balls the devil women in electricity and it's work for them so good for her

good for her maybe next one will be like uh the guy comes back like a zombie and she has a relationship with a zombie and then he cheats on her and then I don't know what she does however you kill a fucking zombie and they have to watch Lord of the Rings to figure that one out

um advice on having a baby she had a baby man she had a baby advice on having a baby hey Bill I need some advice you're talking to me I what the fuck I'm nowhere near that he said my wife and I are both 27 years old she's a graduate from college

and working I'm getting a master's degree and will not be done for another two and a half years the issue is she is getting to the point where she wants to have a baby not now but some but sometime right after I graduate I on the other hand am not wanting a baby

anytime soon but no but by the time I graduate I will have been in college for nearly eight years after I graduate my wife and I will have a dual income of well over a hundred grand a year I grew up in a family in a fairly poor family I worked

hard to get my schooling so I want to enjoy the rewards I want a nice apartment nice things and to travel the world if we just start having kids we won't be able to travel and if we just have kids right after I graduate I'll go from a life of stress from school to a life

of stress from parenthood but I understand my wife's concern if we wait until we are 33 or 34 to start having kids we could have some trouble conceiving and if it takes us too long she could give birth to mentally challenged child which does run in my

family Jesus Christ dude this is one of the more serious ones I love my wife and plan on being with her the rest of my life it's just a shame that my goals are to travel and have nice things and her goals are to start a family so what do you think Bill any advice that's some pretty heavy

shit there well I don't understand why when you're you're going to school right now that you guys can't save up a little bit of money and go to Aruba for a few days you can do little

mini ones you know what I mean I think there's a way to kind of do both and I think if you express all your concerns to your wife and just say look I don't want to be that couple that just goes from school to having kids and then once

we have kids all we do is just do the kid thing I don't know dude I don't know what to tell you here fuck I definitely understand I mean you went from a life of poverty right to a life of school and then you're going to go

right to a life of being a parent when do you actually get to sit back and enjoy a nice flat screen TV watching some sports or maybe go travel in Europe or something like that look dude you could do this you could have a kid I don't know how close you are with

you know the parents on either side I think you can have your cake and eat it why don't you just have a fucking kid and then also save up for a fucking epic ten day trip somewhere through through Europe and then just

make a pact with your wife and just say listen once every two years or once every whatever I want to I want to go on a trip and we'll leave the kid behind or the kids behind my parents did that they went to Vegas

and my grandparents came to town it was great we ended up developing a relationship with our grandparents it was a good thing and it was also good socially it was good for us as kids to have a different sort of disciplinary dynamic Jesus Christ I remember I tested my grandmother

too and she broke a fucking wooden spoon would have been over my head but I got my arm up and I blocked it I kept messing I saw her the way we we were renting this we lived in a duplex when I was a kid for a certain number of years and the way we had it set up

was it went kitchen living room and then dining room so you had to walk through the living room we kind of altered the living room and kitchen trying to figure out which was best and this was just a period where there was

it went kitchen and then we had the living room and then we were using the other room as a dining room so anyways there was this old shitty rug and there was a hole in it so my mother had put a throw rug over the hole on the floor so I saw my grandmother walk by

through the living room and she was setting the table and she saw the throw rug was messed up and I just heard her mumble to herself she said now why does this keep getting messed up so she walked into the kitchen and that was

literally my cue she straightened out walked into the kitchen so I said alright so I got off the couch and I messed it up and went over and I went back and I sat down so then she comes walking out with the dishes or the food and she sees it again she goes now what just happened I just straightened this out

so she straightens it out and then she walks back into the kitchen and I got up and I messed it up again she came third time sees it again and she doesn't fucking say anything which should have been a warning to me so she straightened it out and then she walked into the kitchen

and turned the corner and I got back up again to go mess it up and right as I'm grabbing it to mess it up I hear this stomp and she took a quick step back and looked back out right in the middle of it saw me messing it up she had this wooden spoon in her hand

and just came fucking flying at me like if it was an axe I wouldn't be here if it was a hatchet I would have been dead she gave me like Billy Bob when she fucking when he kills that country singer right came flying at me I just remember crouching down and putting my arm up

and it fucking snapped in half over my forearm she had this look of anger on her face slammed it down snapped it over my arm and then she just after it snapped went wow that's the end of that spoon and then she just walked back out into the kitchen and that was it

so I think that's a good thing if they stay with their grandparents I think you can do both I think as a couple if you really sit down and you say what's important to you you know and this is very easy for me to say not having a child

and having it completely consume your life who knows your priorities might change or whatever there's something to say too that if you start early I mean if you started now your 27 your kid would be 18 when you're 45 my age right now and then you can travel

you know 45 kids out of college by the time you're 49 then you have your golden years 50, 60, 70s, 80s depending on how if you eat right and your juice you can live right up to fucking 90 and you can go see the goddamn world

but there's no reason why you can't do that right now even though that you're in school there's no reason why you can't go to Puerto Rico or go to Hawaii there's some beautiful cities up in Canada you know Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal is fucking tremendous there's all beautiful cities here in the states

there's all kinds of things that you can do and you can do them really cheaply when you don't have any kids dude literally just backpack it just put a backpack on stay in fucking hostels who gives a fuck you know just go I would just say go and do it

I would just yeah do it now do it now but I think you can do both and I also say everybody I know who's ever had a kid has never regretted it never ever regretted it so you know but I think

it's also important that if you do something like that to not lose yourself and all of it alright there I've said my piece alright continuing on here alcohol problem hey Bill love the podcast watching you stand up right now on Netflix and ask me crying laugh thank you thank you thank you

anyways I'm a 25 year old male and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact I have an alcohol oh wait I forgot to do the other podcast advertising here hang on sorry ah fuck I always forget the other ones alright Evoise Evoise everybody

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at the top of the homepage and type in Burr B-U-R-R at stamps.com enter Burr alright alcohol problem hey Bill I love the podcast anyways I am 25 year old male and I'm starting to come

to terms with the fact I have an alcohol problem I drink six days a week and black out at least once a week alright well the only saving grace you have is your 25 so you might just be a little immature I don't know if you're an actual alcoholic

but let me read the rest of this says I drink six days a week the nights I get really drunk I really regret doing it and regret my actions just phone or text conversations I have with people I've considered going to AA

but never have gone through with it I finally quit smoking two months ago and I'm worried if I try to quit drinking now I will start going crazy I know you have always mentioned you are stupid but I honestly agree with most of the advice you give out well thank you

my question is do you think I should try and quit cold turkey or are there any other options I can take that concerns with quitting completely is that most of my friends drink and go out on weekends and I don't want to risk losing all of my social life

and seeing me friends get all Irish there and seeing me friends appreciate the advice alright dude all I can do is just tell you what has worked for me when I'm not drinking

and the first two three days are brutal because all you've gone is two three days and there's definitely that feeling of well if I drink now I can start over again I'm just trying to make up three days but if you can get through the first two three days

once you get to the fourth day it's like alright I got a nice little streak going here like I'm up to six days right now and one of the hardest things to do is when you go out socially with people but all you have to do

all I have to do because I don't know how to do if you're a full on alcoholic and you have the disease it might be harder for you and you really should probably I would say talk to a recovered alcoholic but if you're like me all it takes is going out to the bar that first time

when everybody's drinking and you just order a I try to stay away from soda and club soda because then I mean that shit's not good for either you just order the cranberry juice and deal with the departed well what are your period jokes that everybody does

I usually just go I don't even do cranberry and soda I just do cranberry juice straight up with a lime and I just sort of nurse that and then I just kind of drink waters and you just got to do that that one night

and then you've kind of set up a new social experience that you're comfortable with and I gotta tell you you get a distinct advantage when you're sober and everybody else is basically getting fucked up because they're kind of

first of all it's really entertaining to watch people just sort of roofy themselves and you get through watching their behavior you get to see all the dumb things that you've done so you get to without judging your friends you just sort of

get to be like wow I was doing that especially with alcohol I always say judgment is the first thing to go and I don't know I think you also have a better chance of meeting a really nice woman if you're the sober one because you're going to come off

as responsible and also if your friends are also hitting on her and they're all sloppy drunk you're going to look even better yourself so I would you know if you're not feeling AA which I understand just try

what it is I don't know I have to replace the activity like this week I decided that I was going to stop drinking so then what I did was I dove in to play in drums and I'm doing that

that Mike Johnston 10 days to faster hands workout so I just sort of replace you know like at night I just sort of like okay I'll go downstairs and I'll do the practice pad thing and

you know I started working out he just you know what it is dude you gotta replace the time that you're drinking and doing dumb shit with shit that's also fun but you're sober doing it because

for me it's like if I just don't drink and I'm just sitting around doing nothing that's going to make me want to drink because it's just like well I usually go out and drink and have fun right now but if I'm actually doing something else I went out and I saw a movie last night

you fill up the time dude learn how to cook you learn a fucking second language there's all kinds of things dude basically you're in your 20s right now and you're trying to appeal to the opposite sex here so if you can add some shit to your game

you're going to move up in the draft you're going to get a better woman here if you're fucking bilingual what woman doesn't like that if you're sober and responsible she's going to like that who knows you learn to play a couple of songs on a flamenco guitar you take it around on a fucking rowboat you're in there

nothing bad comes from becoming sober other than you are bored shitless but your head gets smaller because you drop all that booze way I'm telling you you won't regret it you definitely won't regret it but like I said if you got the disease and that thing you might you're going to need more professional help

and I would actually seek out a fellow alcoholic and then I would use AA and all of that shit you know I don't know I'm just a control freak and I don't like people telling me what to do so I would have to use it in a way that worked for me

I'm not going to be standing down there smoking cigarettes eating donuts talking to those people with their yellow fingers and shit like I couldn't do it that way I got buddies of mine they go every once in a while they go to a meeting you know like the way I go to church every once in a fucking once a year

they'll do it but whatever works for you but nothing bad ever comes from cleaning up your act so I hope that helps you alright okay that's the podcast for this week everybody um

I'm off the road again this week I'm definitely going to be around work I might have a surprise show out here in LA where I'm actually going to be you know working on my act possibly next week I think there's rumors that I might be doing a full hour at a local comedy club

and um because I got to make sure I'm on my game when I do DC, New York and Upper Dobby that's it that's the podcast everybody I hope you enjoyed it uh here's the wrap up now that the show's over don't forget once again to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

uh Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet it's the future it's the way to watch TV in the future right now okay support this podcast

podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com that's huluplus.com that is the podcast for this week once again

I'll be down logo on La Cienega just north of Beverly Boulevard and uh I'm going to be doing this great benefit I love doing benefits because I'm a piece of shit god knows I need to work on my karma lord knows that so I get to go down and help

wonderful cause that helps out uh you know come on helps out pit bulls what's better than a dog isn't that right Cleo Cleo come over here come here Cleo she's sleeping Cleo Dio hey she's out like a light

um I'm boring her with my podcast alright that's it alright everybody go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and uh if you haven't watched the world series yet it's a dandy two games a piece one more game in St. Louis oh you know what I didn't talk about

I know that the world series has always been two three two I always feel like I always just feel like the three in the middle what would you rather have if you were managing the team would you I just feel like the advantage goes to the team with the lesser record

with those three in the middle even though overall four out of seven games you're going to be on the road I just feel like the way it's broken up you just sort of spend a weekend in Boston and then you host a homestand

right you got three straight games you can sleep in your own bed, eat your own food fucking chill out and then if need be you go back and you deal with another weekend they break it up nicely um and I feel like

the two three two it just gives the team with the lesser record home field advantage to the first five games it makes games one and two must win for the team with the better record but uh I don't know maybe that's just me my anxiety as a fan and maybe professional athletes could

they don't give a shit but I've always found that weird like I liked when the NBA used to do two two one one one um it seemed fair but I think the athletes didn't like to travel you know they got to lug all that TV equipment I don't know they just just wanted

to make it up alright so that's the deal everybody that's the podcast file for this week go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week goodbye that's you well you

you