Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-29-15

Episode Date: October 30, 2015

Bill rambles about screaming ladies, the Juicy Lucy and Jimmy Hayes.

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There's not a lot of major cities like this that sit on the water. Sit on a lake. How about that? That'll make it unique. They sit on a lake. It's fucking beautiful. You know what I mean? This is what Detroit will become someday. It's coming back. They're slowly coming back. Cleveland's crushing it. That's what I found out about this part of the country, man. I think that whole Rust Belt thing's going to go away. They're not going to have that slogan anymore. But anyways, last night we were in Minneapolis, had a great fucking time. First show was a little bit rough. Jesus Christ. I don't know what to fuck with.

It's the first time I've snapped on stage and so fucking long. You know what I mean? Just this fucking lady just talking, talking, talking, talking, talking. And it's like, I don't give a shit. I'm still going to get paid. But I know people around paid to hear the fucking show. They didn't pay to hear me go on and on. She was literally at one point standing up yelling at me. I was doing some bit trash and fucking women. I mean, it's what I do. You know what I mean? I trash them. I have fun doing it. I'm allowed to do it as a comedian and it doesn't affect anybody's life.

Fucking lunatic, you know? And the more you yell at me, the more I'm going to do it because then it becomes funnier. If you just shut up, it'd be over in like two seconds. So she's standing up screaming and yelling at me, right? Like I give a fuck and I'm yelling back at her, you know? And the security is so funny that just sort of daintily going, Miss, Miss, you have to sit down. Miss, you have to sit down. And I was joking how if that was a guy, he'd be in a choke hold getting dragged out into the fucking alley.

You know what I mean? And finally in the end, they were finally going to throw her out. She was literally at one point miming, rubbing her pussy with her tongue hanging out. Like that was going to shock me. It was just like, I've been doing the road for like 20 years. He's going to have to do a little better than that. I just didn't, I don't know, she just was a, maybe she was drunk. I don't know what her deal was, but you know, she decided to take some jokes seriously and felt that it was,

she needed to stand up and start screaming and yelling. So that happens, right? And I finally just snap in the end because it was just the first show was just weird. Like they had the front three rows were within the spotlight that you stood on. So they were as lit up as I was. And then the rest of the theater was completely in the dark and I couldn't see them. I couldn't see any of the fucking theater. So I felt like it was performing to like, you know, 20 people.

It was weird. And I don't know, it got a little sideways there towards the end. And they were finally going to fucking kick her out. The guy finally is, you know, politely going to kick her out cause she's cause she's a lady. And I said, no, don't kick her out. Don't kick her out. Just let her sit there and act like a baby with absolutely no ramifications the way she's been allowed to her whole life. I mean, her behavior was so fucking immature, you know.

And then what kills me is the end of the fucking show, right? I'm going through the tweets. I'm just making sure the people in the dark still had a good time, right? Which they were saying they were and actually people in Minneapolis are fucking cool. They said they were Paul. Sorry for that lady, blah, blah. We still had a good time. So I felt good about that, right?

And then some woman had tweeted at me, you know. Heckling is never a good idea. But, you know, being subjected to 40 minutes of sexist, unoriginal material. Yeah, yeah, all this fucking bullshit, right? First of all, I love how she addresses somebody not shutting the fuck up for an entire show. 70 minutes. She just, she takes care of that with heckling is never a good idea now that I've addressed that. And then she exaggerates.

It wasn't 40 minutes of sexist material. It was like 12. And I thought it was pretty original. Anyways, but we had the fucking best time in me. I still had a good time on that fucking show until right to the end, but then I felt good because this woman backstage, you know, that was running shit back there. I would say to her, I go, look at this tweet I just got. I go, am I that fucking bad?

And she goes, look, she goes, I live alone. I got daughters. It's all women in the house. I'm pretty independent. I didn't have a problem with anything that you said. I thought it was funny and you're always going to get one of those at the show. And I was like, thank you. Thank you.

And then I went out. I had a great fucking time on the second show. I got up stage. I fucking gave her a hug. You know, thank you. I needed to hear that from a lady, right? Oh my God, that fucking fucking woman. She was a lunatic standing up.

Who the fuck is dumb enough to get that mad at a comic that you're standing up yelling? You know, like at some point I'm going to go, oh, oh yeah, you know what? That's a good point. I'm sorry. Let me, let me fucking redo my whole act now just for you because you don't seem to be enjoying it. You know, in a perfect world, you know, I'm not going to say it's fucking me. Whatever, whatever. Let me just, let me get out.

So let me talk about the great time that we had in Minneapolis. So I've gone there the last six times I've gone there. I've wanted to go get their juicy Lucy fucking burger that they have, right? Just basically they put the cheese in the patty and then it melts and it's fucking piping hot. And all the tourists fucking bite into it and burn that fucking mouth, right? So we finally, we had barely enough fucking time because we were driving in from up from Milwaukee. So it was a long ass fucking drive, like six, seven hours. It was rain and sleet and all that shit.

So we literally just dropped the bags in me and Verzi and this other body of ours. We fucking jump in this car and we fucking drive over to this. I think it's, is it mats? I kept calling it mics. I think it's mats, mats bar, I believe. Hang on. Hang on. Let me look it up.

Where are we? All right. With the text messages. I hear when you have it on fucking soft and it's still fucking go into settings and fine mute your whole view. Go into settings. You can't, um, the hell is it? Come on. He's scrolling.

He's scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, but, but, but mats, mats bar. That's what we went, right? Now I'm going to go all these fucking tweets from people going, oh, you should have gone to fucking nookies and fucking St. Paul. I didn't have time. I went to the closest one. And it was fucking delicious. Jar broil burger. And we go there and the lady was nice.

The lady, she goes, hey guys, she goes nibble around. She saw, you know, you know, Verzi had a Yankees hat. My other buddy had a Mets hat. So, you know, I looked like a fucking jerk off since they knew we weren't from there. Right. So she goes, uh, just make sure you nibble that cheese is hot. Right. So me and the other guy, that's what we do.

Verzi fucking thinks he's nibbling, but he's so fucking hungry. He bites right into the cheese and he just goes. He's like spitting it out. Right. So before I can laugh at him, he fucking takes another bite. Just as deep and he's going like, we're fucking crying laughing. We're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? He goes, dude, what the fuck?

She said to take a nibble. I took it. It's like, no, you didn't. You took half a bite. You're just Italian. You don't know how to nibble. You're fucking stuck in your mouth. You're fucking jerk off.

And he goes, no idea. I go, this second bite, he bit in so deep, he pulled out half the pickle, burned the shit out of his mouth and we will fucking cry and laugh and tease the shit out of him. And he kept trying to blame the waitress. He kept trying to blame the waitress. I was just like, Hey, you know, we didn't have a problem. We completely understood her. We didn't burn our mouth.

I was joking last night. He sounded like he was hitting a heavy bag. Like, I've been dreaming about getting that fucking sandwich every time I go there. And that was the big thing. I was thinking, I had like a game plan. I was like, yeah, cut it in half and I'll let it melt. The big thing is, is once you actually bite into it a little bit, it's still going to be a little hot.

But once that air gets on the cheese, it really, it kind of, it's almost like it blows through the whole burger and then it fucking cools it off and then you're able to completely enjoy it. And totally 100% lived up to the hype, even Verzi after he burned his fucking mouth. Even he's still fucking a joke. It's just a great burger. So thank you to people there at Matt's Bar for hooking us up, hooking us up by just being open.

They didn't give it to us for free. You know what I'm saying. So, and the day before we were in Milwaukee, another great fucking city and played the Riverside Theater. And that might have been, that was right up there with fucking Indianapolis as far as like the crowd just being right on top of you. And, and it just had one of the, you know, one of those theaters that just has the fucking magic man.

It was fucking awesome. And upstairs they had this crazy green room and they had a chef up there who made these salads with all this stuff. It was fucking on. It got treated like rock stars. And they had a flat screen TV and we watched the, the Royals come back and beat the Mets for game one. I missed all the game too, but I know people are freaking out.

And of course I, as a Red Sox fan, I'm immediately thinking, well, the Mets were down 0-2 and 86. And I remember how that one turned out. There's a little roller down the buck there. What does it say? Well, over the bag, between the bag. I can't even remember how it goes anymore. And the Mets win it.

That's just remember how it ended. You know what's funny about that fucking clip now is now it's just hilarious to me because thank God we finally won it and then we got two more for good measure. So now when I watch it, I just, I just, it's just funny to me now. The fucking, the disappointment that that was was just funny. How the fuck did you get it? There's a little roller up the field. Oh, gets past Buckner and the Mets win it.

Oh, that's what it was. Jesus Christ. That still hurts to say that, you know, it's the funniest thing is when night scores, he's fucking running at one point. He puts both his hands on his head. To me, that sums up the whole game. That was literally like, I, I can't fucking believe these guys just fuck that game up. You know, forget Buckner fucking Bob Stanley.

Just comes waddling in that guy. He wasn't, he wasn't even in beer league softball shape. Fucking horrible. Just comes fucking walking in. You know, besides that, we let up. You know, they came back and be, I can't even remember. We were like up by like fucking three runs or something, something crazy in the bottom of the ninth.

We were one fucking strike away. And I, I swear to God, I feel like we let up 17 singles in a row. They just kept getting hits and kept getting hits and kept getting hits. And then the passball tied it up. Oh my God. You're just sitting there like, this isn't real. They, they, they, how could you fuck this up? Gets past Buckner and the Mets win it.

Oh man. That'll toughen you up as a sports fan. Jesus. We went up three nothing in the next game. I was too, too young as a Red Sox fan at that point. I still had hope. I was just like, I will fucking win that one. How the fuck did I get on that?

Oh, that's right. I said we were in Milwaukee. So anyways, before we went there, we actually found a steam room, right? So me and Verzi were walking up the street and the guy fucking at the hotel we were staying at. So it was like four blocks up the street. So Verzi comes out of the hotel. You know, Verzi's one of those backpack guys.

Like he does not bring luggage and he just, I don't know. I don't know how he gets it all in there. So his, his wardrobe options are very limited. So he's walking down the street, right? He's got on dark socks and the flip flops that he's going to wear the sandals that he's going to wear in the fucking, uh, the sauna. He's got on like basketball shorts down to his fucking knees past his knees. I should say that Jordan ones, right?

And then he's got one of those fucking, uh, you know, his army, I fly airplane jackets that have the zipper on the arm and his fucking Yankee hat, right? Just walking down the street. He looked like he was, I don't know, like his building caught on fire and he just grabbed a jacket and ran out. That's what the fuck he looks. It's freezing. Uh, Bartnick's another coach shorts guy and then he got me walking down the street.

Like I say, looking like a sickly Ron Howard. And, uh, turns out the fucking thing was like, I don't know, like 20 blocks up the street in Versey's pinky toe is killing him in his flip flop. It was just fucking crying, laughing as we go up there. So the whole, the hotel we go up to, I swear to God where the steam room is in is called the fister. I swear to God. P F I S T E R the fister.

If you ever go to Milwaukee, you got to stay at the fister. All right. Cause they got this sick ass fucking stay room and, uh, spy and all that shit. So we fucking go down there, right? And it's like individual steam room that you get off of the fucking room. We're like freaking out. There's all these beautiful women walking around that work there. Like, oh, this is great.

So finally we're sitting there drinking spa water, right? Dressed the way we look, right? Looking like fucking animals. And, uh, all of a sudden, like three people come out, right? Two cute women in this dude. And I'm just thinking, what the fuck is he doing here? And then he just goes, uh, he's like, oh, Mr. Burr. And I'm like, Hey, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Right. So we go over, right? And he shows me how to use the spa, the steam cause all I'm doing is taking a steam. And he's like, yeah, you do this thing. You do that. And I was just like, yeah, I, I, I know how to use it. And he goes, all right. I just so fucking disappointed, right?

Guys should not work at fucking spas. They just shouldn't. It should be all fucking ladies, right? So I'm not a sexist pig. The lady should own the fucking thing too. How about that? Does that make you feel all right? You fucking dumb cunt in Minneapolis.

Um, so afterwards, right? So the thing is I didn't listen to the guy explain the fucking steam thing. So the fucking steam thing turns on dude. And it is like angry. It's angry steam. And I'm sitting there like, I got to pull my fucking feet up onto the bench so they don't burn off. And I'm huddled in the corner.

And, uh, you know, I'm like, it was so fucking hot. I had to, I had to get out. I just had to fucking walk out like twice. I was read as a fucking tomato and I kept going back in or whatever. And, um, long story short, he got out of the spa and then Barton and Conferzi, they come out of theirs and they were going, oh my God, that was fucking amazing. I was like, dude, it wasn't too hot. It wasn't too hot.

He goes, no, they go, we just stood on the other side of the steam where the shower was. He just like turned the shower on. I was like, I didn't fucking think to do that. And they were like, well, the guy didn't tell you how to do it. And I said, nah, I shoot him out of there because I was pissed that I didn't get a woman. And then first he starts laughing. He goes, dude, the second that guy came walking out with those two women, he goes, I said

a quick prayer that I didn't get the guy. And then I laughed and I said, yeah, I didn't. I thought was what the fuck is this guy doing here? Oh, you know what? They should have guys at spas for women. That's what they should have. You know what I mean? It's all part of the fucking spa experience.

He's supposed to be looking at something beautiful. All right. I don't want to see some stubbled face jackass coming down. You know, if he's listened to this, God bless you, dude. You tried to fucking explain the steam to me. So anyways, what was another great thing too about that gig was Riverside Theater was right down the street and next to it almost built into it was a fucking bar and a cigar, a tobacco store.

And I want to thank everybody there for hooking us up. They stayed open late for us. We showed up. They had two large fucking pizzas, right? And then they had all these fucking sick ass cigars. And it was, you know, it's one of those great nights on the road. Wait a second. I can't fucking type a password and talk at the same time.

Hang on. Fucking screensaver. God damn fucking thing. Um, anyway, so I don't even know how to, I don't even know how to say the name of the Tibet. It's like U H L E Yule. Tobacco company. I don't know how to say it.

Thank you so much to them. And thank you to the guy next door. I didn't get the name of the bar. I apologize, but it's right next door. Thanks for hooking us up with the shots. And we stayed there till like, you know, 3 30 in the morning. The guys there and one of the women there, they were in the motorcycle. So they were showing me all the, you know, custom motorcycles.

I'm showing video of my truck. We just had, we had a fucking awesome time. Um, gotta make sure I thank everybody. Thank you to the person who made us that bread. That was delicious. Thank you to the people, the person who made those fucking hilarious cookies. Yeah, this guy had cookies and one of them said ginger cunt on it. Go fuck yourself.

My Monday morning podcast, the name of my dog, all of that shit. What else? There was a guy when I was in, um, Pittsburgh, I think made a half Patriots, half Steelers Jersey. So one side was Tom Brady. The other was, I think I talked about this Heinz ward because we were playing Heinz Hall or whatever. I mean, you know, you guys don't have to do that stuff, by the way. Uh, but, you know, it's greatly appreciated. You know, I want to make sure I thank people.

Don't think you have to fuck. Just, just show up. Just show up and enjoy the jokes and don't try to pretend like to rub your clam and stand up and yell at me. I mean, you can do it, but you're only fucking over the other people there. So anyways, um, with that, I should probably read a little bit of fucking advertising here. Huh? What am I up to? 19 minutes of running my fucking mouth.

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Aren't you supposed to do that? Or is this like tips for the person who's writing the copy? For the life of me, I don't know why they leave that in there. Like I'm supposed to start riffing here. Like I'm some jazz singer. School hip hop, a deeper zip recruiter, um, can post to 100 plus job sites. That's the worst sketch singing ever. Uh, with one single click, be instantly matched to candidates from over 6 million resumes plus watch brand new candidates roll into zip recruiters.

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W dot com slash bur. Hey, club W dot com slash bur. All right. Let's get back to the, the podcast here. So anyways, hey, how about those Bruins? Huh? Here we go. Bruins.

Here we go. Bump, bump. Scoring six goals against six to nothing. Tuka gets the fucking shut out. Oh, hey, he's got a goal. Anytime he fucking scores, I'm pitching this right now. At the TD bank, north, Wells Fargo center, whatever the fuck they call it. The old, the new Boston garden.

Anytime Jimmy Hayes scores, they should show that clip from good fellas with Ray Liotter in the shower going, ah, Jimmy, you got to do it. Everybody loves good fellas. And who doesn't like it when a seven foot fucking winger scores when he's got that Bruins logo on. So I was excited for that. I was excited for Milan Lucic got his first fucking goal with the Kings. Can't root against him.

And, uh, I have to tip my fucking cap as much as I don't want to to the Montreal Canadians winning nine in a fucking row. I actually wanted to see them break the record just because, you know, I don't want to see them win a cup, but I like seeing records get broken. You know, the Vancouver, uh, Canucks, Canucks, Cuntucks, where they beat them. You know, they'll always be cunts to me. You know, I just didn't like that on that burrows guy, biting the guy's fucking finger, you know what I mean?

Just, it was as stupid as fucking me to realize that they were going to like, maybe even sweep us and then he bit a guy's finger and acted like a cunt. And you poke the bear. Well, why would you do that? And then what happened? Everybody knew you fucked up the series and then your, your fans went out and they burned down all the Starbucks. And to this day, when you go to Vancouver, you cannot get a good cup of coffee.

It's a true story. That's a hockey story. You know that you could see that on the NHL network. Um, by the way, if you listen to me and you get frustrated with how little I know about hockey, you should listen to Joe Bartnick's puck off. I'll tell you right now, nobody fucking like, if you just want to listen to an absolutely fucking rabid fan, they come up with nicknames. They got all these cool awards, like the Claude Lemieux award is when you come out

of the penalty box and you, you will immediately score. It's got all this, all that type of shit on that, uh, on his podcast, but whatever, let's get back to the fucking, uh, what else did I want to talk about? I got to work out guys. I'm not going to lie to you. I've been eating like a fucking animal last night on the bus. We watched Godfather one and Godfather two and, uh, we swung by, um, swung by this great fucking Italian deli in Minneapolis.

Um, I thought it was, you know, I thought it was great, but you know, Bartnick and fucking Verzi, they also enjoyed it. They enjoyed it, but like Italians, the reason why they're so fucking great at food is they, they're critiques. Most people are either like, good sucked. Oh my God. It was fucking unbelievable. Oh, that fucking broad and that Dennis or whatever the fucking Olive garden.

Oh my God. It's so decadent. Um, they have like, they have like 9,000 levels of bad, decent and unbelievable. So like we got this fucking meat plate, right? And I'm sitting like, oh my God, this is fucking delicious. This is delicious. And they're like, well, you know, you know, the gobble ghoul is good, but we got spoiled with the stuff at Pittsburgh.

The salami is outstanding. The pursuit is, is, is decent. It's not as good as Pittsburgh. I'm just like, how can you guys fucking even tell? It's fucking delicious. Whatever it is, it's fucking delicious, but the cannolis in the bread were fucking unbelievable. Yeah, it was all fucking good. I probably shouldn't have said that because now people are going to think that I'm shitting

on the fucking, I'm shitting on the, the place or not. We went to, uh, I'm going to say this Broders, B-R-O-D-E-R-S, Broders, Cousine, Italiana. Um, that leads Italian ketchup. Um, fucking cannolis were amazing. Everything was great there. You know what I mean? But I will say they got the wool from fucking, uh, I got to get off tour with these guys. They turned me into a fucking pizzeria on here.

Um, the food was great. So then we put on, uh, and we literally wouldn't, we didn't have any wine. So we got off, out of the bus, walked over. I'll tell you, if this podcast doesn't make you want to be a fucking comedian, by the way, it's like the greatest life ever, right? So we fucking, we walk over to this bar, we went in and we bought like two bottles of, uh, Cabernet, right? And then it's the perfect moment to drop a good fella's line, right?

Second we got the wine, we go, okay, now we can eat. Never gets old. Oh, I actually quoted Frankie Carbone when that lady wouldn't shut up. And I was blaming, I was blaming everybody, every guy in the front row for not keeping that woman shut. I go at some point, I'm not advocating domestic violence, but you got to go a little Frankie Carbone here. You got to wad up that fucking mink coat, shut the fuck up and open the door. Got a huge laugh. Um, so anyway, so am I almost done with this fucking podcast?

I really have to go work out. I got to do it, man. I'm, I'm, I got a scale actually here in this hotel. And I tell you right now, I don't dare get on it because I'm going to hate myself. Um, I'm open. I just put on like five to seven and then I got like two weeks before Madison Square Garden. So then what I'm going to do is I'm just going to drop three pounds both weeks. That's it.

I'm going right back to eating as perfectly as I know how to eat and doing an insane amount of fucking cardio. I'm going to try to do that. But next week I'm playing, uh, in Philadelphia and somebody already told me where to go to get a fucking cheesesteak. Cause I always go down either the people you go to Geno's, you go to fucking blah, blah, blah. And the more I go to Philly, I find out that the only people that go to those places are kind of the younger people. Cause they don't know any better cause they're going to stand in a fucking huge line. So someone was telling me, Hey, by the way, Philly people, if you know a spot cause I've eaten it, both of them. All right.

I can't remember which one I'd like. Last time me and Verzi went there, we got, uh, we got one at each, cut them in half, you know, and then switched. You know, so we both got, you know, half of each one. And I remember there was one that I liked the, uh, cheese better on one and I liked the something, the bread better on the other or something like that. So anyways, if you guys know of a different place to go to, I'm trying to scroll right now and find what this person told me to go to. Um, they said to go to Steve's Prince of Stakes. If you guys know one of those, cause I know DeRosa's DeRosa's from Philly. And he goes, nah, man, he goes, I never go down there.

The fucking lines are too long. He had one that's off the beaten path. So it seems like everybody knows those. So, uh, give a couple tours. So hook up here. Let us know where to go. Um, oh, if you don't want to blow up your spot, I understand. Um, so I'll be there and then I'm doing a casino.

I think in Bethlehem or something like that, Pennsylvania. And then I got a, I don't know what I'm doing. I think some sort of, some gig. I don't even understand. I think it's a casino. I don't know what it is someplace down in Daytona, Florida. And then I'm up in New York and I'll be in New York for the whole fucking week. Getting ready to do, uh, the Madison square garden show,

which should be, uh, obviously pretty fucking memorable. So I'm getting pretty excited about that. But I got to go to the gym every day. It's got to become a puppy life. And if you don't want to be fade away, go to the gym every day. You cut. I got to, I got to get back to that. Um, I do.

I got to get back to that. I'm a fucking idiot. Been eating like a fucking jerk off. Sitting here eating cookies with my name on it today. Fucking loser. Um, anyways, all right, coming up, who do the Bruins got this week? I got so many fucking games. I got to watch on the, oh, by the way, if you want to learn like some of the NHL

lines, I cannot promote daily face off.com more. It's the fucking greatest. Not only do they have the top, they have the lines one through four. They have the fucking, uh, they have their, their, their, uh, penalty kill. Whatever team, whatever the fuck you call it. I told you, listen to bark, Nick, he knows how to say it. Right. Daily face off.

There it is. Yeah. Line combinations. Right. They come right up. You click on line combinations. Like right now I just brought up the Islanders because that's the last time I was trying to watch a Bruins game when we beat the Islanders.

So they, and they got all the lines one through four. They got the journey. They got little jerseys with the fucking number and the name on the back. You can't fuck it up. All right. The Islanders number one line, Josh Bailey, left wing center, John Tavares, right wing, Ryan Strom, see that? There you go.

Then they got the offensive pairings, the first power play unit, the second power play unit, the goalies, and then the fucking injury list. So there you go. It's fucking phenomenal. Daily face off.com. No, they are not asking me to promote them. I'm just saying. I'm just, I'm just promoting them and I'll promote the couple Bruins games here and then

that's going to be it. What do we got next? Oh, we got the Carolina Panthers. What do we got here? The next couple of games. We got the Panthers. Oh, we got back-to-back games Friday, Saturday. The Panthers and the Lightning.

Terran through Florida. Oh, now we start picking up the pace and then we got, we got the Ducks, the Capitals. We got the Hated Habs and then the Islanders. Jesus Christ, a ton of fucking games. I'm going to miss most of those. I'll be all caught up. I'll miss the Habs and the fucking Islanders. Why are you guys still listening to this?

All right. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everybody who has come out and showed up on this tour. Man, it could not have been a more fun tour, the whole fucking thing from top to bottom. The guys that I went on tour with, Jason Lawhead, Joe Bartnick, Paul Verzi and everybody came out to the shows, the venues, all of that shit. Even that fucking crazy broad last night on the first fucking show. I don't got any fucking hate for you, whatever. And you know what?

I bet if we went out and had a drink, we would have had a great fucking time. You know that? Admit it. Come on. We could have traded notes on the ladies. All right. That's the, I'm just checking in on you. I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.

You're cunts. And now we got some cool music. You guys always ask me about the music that's on this thing. I don't pick it out. Andrew Thamelis does. So look him up on fucking Twitter. Twitter. He's the young fellow.

He knows all the cool fucking music. He's the one that tells me what the fuck to listen to. And I've been downloading some of the shit that he puts up there. I'm really getting into that band fucking. What? God Jira? I hope I'm saying it right. It's Godzilla, but that name was taken.

So they just wrote it how someone would say it with an Asian accent. God Jira. And their fucking drummer is insane. Fucking insane. And I've never been into that. Like Lama God. Like, like for me, there still has to be like a couple of songs where they slow it down and maybe the guy actually sings regular. If you know bands like that where there's still at least a little bit of melody to it as opposed to just like just blistering, beating the shit out of you.

Oh, by the way, somebody actually sent me some of their swag too. I got to thank him for that, man. It's been a fucking amazing tour. So now I got three nights at the legendary Chicago theater. And for my money, for my money, it's the best and most iconic marquee in the of any theater I play. I've even just seen just that that fucking vertical sign where it just says Chicago. You know, I love to is whenever the Blackhawks have a big game of back in the day, the Bulls, the Jordan Pippin Bulls, whenever they were, they had like a big playoff game. And they would show they always show the fucking river, you know, the Sears fucking tower, whatever they show the fucking, you know, skyline along along the lake.

But they always showed the Chicago theater. Man, I was fucking, I saw that for years as a sports fan. So to be able to play it is amazing. And a little bit of backstage shit here for you. This is the only theater that I've ever played where you actually see Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. Have their names on the wall. They actually signed it and they have it behind glass because everybody autographs the wall. And then they have when you're backstage, if you're walking from left to right, you go all the way over to the right and way, way, way, way up on the wall.

I don't know what sort of fucking ladder they gave the chairman of the board, but it says Frank Sinatra. Oh, it says I hope I hope you had a good time. I know I did Frank Sinatra. It's fucking amazing. So fucking just awesome way. We started off with Notre Dame USC and we end up at fucking the Chicago theater could not have been more of a perfect tour. And that's it. I'm done gushing here thanking everybody, but we really did have a great time.

All right, go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful weekend. I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's bill bar and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, October 3rd, 2011. How are you? How's it going? You hear that echo echo?

I'm in a new place. I moved no more angry old guy beneath me. I'm in a new place and it's sparsely furnished. I'm sitting in an old chair. So it's going to be creaking a little bit during the podcast actually got out of it because I just realized that sonically that could be a little annoying. Yeah, move to a new place. Little bigger, little better, right? The American dream still existing.

You know, instead of taking giant leaps, you take little steps, little baby steps. Oh, look at that. The kitchen's about six inches bigger. Um, no, I'm psyched. First time in my fucking life. I don't have some cunt living below me or above me. So you know what that means. All I got to do is piss off my neighbors and I think I'll be all right.

No, we got, we got a nice place. So we're psyched. My girl's happy, which is a great thing as a guy, you know, that's a great thing. You know, you get something new and shiny and what are the name and then they're happy and then your life is great. That's all you want. You just want them to be happy. Maybe if they're happy, they'll stop fucking bitching at me. Okay, maybe that'll stop.

You know, but you know how broads are, you know, they are no matter how cool they are, how fucking hot they are. Eventually they find something. Eventually they find something, you know, and you're sitting there and you're listening to them talking and you're nodding. You nodding your head. Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So you turn that and then your head, you're just sitting there going like really, really fucking unreal. I swear to God, I swear to fucking God. I was talking to Paul Versey about this the other day. We were on the phone joking about this shit going, I bet Donald fucking Trump gets nagged, you know, sitting there looking out the fucking helicopter window. That is his goddamn name on it. Right. And his fucking wife is probably sitting next to him. If he's even married, whatever, his fucking girlfriend.

He likes those Transylvania hotties. That Olga kind of chicks, whatever. He's just staring out the window of his fucking chopper. Right. Just fucking sitting there shaking his head. You know, whole head moving to pay sitting still. You know, right on top of his head on a swivel. Right.

And she's just fucking sitting there nagging him. You know, I just thought you could have been a little more social. It's like I was having those, those are my friends. Okay. Those are my friends. Those people are important to me the same way you are. Okay. You have to accept all of me.

Donald, stop looking at your skyscrapers. I'm talking to you here. This is us. Okay. I ain't just, ooh, you're the dawn. You have a hit show. Okay. This is us.

Okay. This is your foundation. Well, I don't feel like you're listening to me because I'm staring at the back of your orange hair. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I know hair is sensitive to you.

It's just, I'm emotional right now. And I felt that when I was going to invite my friends over. Right. And then they go into that shit. Right. Now, here's a little quiz for you fellas. Why did that fictitious bitch start crying in that fictitious monologue? Why did she cry?

I'll give you a couple of seconds to come up with it. Was it because she was really sad? I feel like I'm giving a lecture right now. This is really sending my ego through the fucking roof. Why did she cry? Was it because she felt like he didn't love her? Was it because she was truly upset that he wasn't nice to her friends? Or was it because she took the argument to a place where she knew she was wrong by bringing

up his fucked up hair? That's what it was. So then she just, oh my God, I'm going to start losing this. So then they immediately go to the tears. That's what they do. They're terrible, awful, living things with a vagina. No, I'm kidding. Anyways, but I'm not kidding about why she cried.

All right. So there it is. So that's what you have to do as a guy. You have to assess why she's crying. Am I being a dick? If you're being a dick and she starts crying, that's when you go in and you hold them and you tell them you're sorry. All right.

And say, please don't cry. But if it's got nothing to do with fucking anything, it's just a manipulative technique to make you feel like you're the hulk when you're screaming in their face. All right. So you don't always have to go in for the hug. You don't always have to do it. You have to do it. Just stand back and assess the situation.

Like one of them fucking coordinators on the sidelines. So listen to this shit. I come to Copenhagen and when I travel to other countries, boys and girls, believe it or not, I am on my best behavior. I always try to be overly polite. I try and learn a couple of words and I try to figure out their money system. So I'm not like going, you know, one of the weirdest things when you go to another country is you immediately feel like a child, especially if you don't know the language.

And you just, the funniest thing is money transactions. You just come up and you're like, hey, like hoping they speak English. You almost say like, hello with an accent like, hello, you basically speak English in your interpretation of their accent, hoping they're going to understand you. And then they're like on 2000 Dutch marks or something and then you just get a handful of fucking coins and you just guess and you hand it to them. You know, you just feel like a little kid, like, is this enough for that stuff? And you hand it to them and then you just wait and you're waiting for that, like, could

I have a little more or are you fucking shitting me or they just sort of take it and anyways, what's cool over here is Denmark, they got they have really cool, I like their money. Any sort of money that has a little hole drilled in the middle of it, you know, like some little Peutian people used it as wheels and they somehow remove the axle and then the giant people used it as currency. I like that type of stuff. So anyway, so I come over here, I'm on my best fucking behavior. And when I'm in the States and somebody comes over there and they're from another country,

I try to be extra nice to them so they have something nice to say. So anyway, so I come here to Copenhagen, which is in Denmark for all you Americans, fellow Americans, I should say, look at me trying to separate myself as if I could find it on a map before I came here. We jump in the cab and I'm talking to the promoter who's going to take me all the way through Scandinavia, you know, that has all the ladies that Hitler used to rub one out of two. Once they have blonde hair and blue eyes, yeah, oh, yeah, right.

And this is one of the most fucked up podcasts so far. How many times can you bring up Hitler? Let's go for the record, shall we? It's early on in podcasting history. The first person to set the record, or at least the first time it was tracked, was Bill Burr back in the early 2000s. He had a podcast called the Monday Morning Podcast. It was highly successful until one day it was permanently suspended from iTunes.

If you turn to page 17 in your Monday Morning Podcast textbooks, so anyways, I'm in this fucking cab. And I have this thing I can never remember from West to East if it goes, if it goes Norway, Sweden, Finland, or if it goes Finland, Sweden, Norway. I always fucking forget. Okay? And why wouldn't I forget? Those fuckers are never in the goddamn news other than that tragedy in Norway.

But other than that, they're cool countries. They don't fuck with people. So they don't make the news. The only reason why these fucking cunts over here know where America is, is because we're bombing people, you know, because we have bases in their country, because we're annoying the shit out of so much of the world. That's why they know where we're at. So I'm in this cab and I'm having this conversation with the promoter going, does it go Norway,

Sweden, Finland, or Finland, Sweden, Norway. I can never remember. And he explains it to me. I go, okay, okay. And then the cab ride ends and then the cab driver turns around and goes, oh, the Americans are so stupid with the geography. And then he goes, I'm just kidding. Try to be passive aggressive.

I said, oh yeah, you fucking Danish cunt. Where's Tennessee in relation to Missouri? And he goes, I don't know. I'm stupid too. Go fuck yourself with your passive aggressive. This cunt said that shit. America is so stupid with the geography. And then he does this little pussy smile.

And he's just kidding. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're serious. You're a miserable cunt. Oh yeah, you're so smart that you go to fucking pre-med to become a taxi cab. Driver, you fucking douche. And right there, I swear to God.

In my head, I was like, fuck Denmark and fuck this show tonight for like the next half hour. That's what I was thinking. And then I was like, no, I can't judge the whole fucking city. I can't judge the whole country because one douche driving a cab. All right, put yourself in America. Do you find cab drivers in America to be pleasant? No, I do not. Do you find them to be slightly miserable?

Yes, I do. If you drove a cab, would you be a miserable cunt? Yes, I would be. And then I said, fuck it. Let's give these Danish cunts a fucking show. And actually, I was still nervous before I went in to do the show. And you know, you come all the way over here and as much as they speak English, you're kind of wondering, you know, how much are they going to get?

And fortunately, the night before, I was in London and I just made this decision. Probably about 10 minutes, like for the first 10 months of my set in England, I felt like I was a little on my heels going, and here's this joke. And are you going to get this? Okay, here's another joke. Are you going to get this? And then I finally just said, you know what? Fuck this.

I'm just doing my shit. All right. And if they laugh, cool. If they don't, oh, Jesus, is this going to be room service? Hang on one second. Hang on one second. You're going to get to hear me talk to a Danish person here. Hello?

Yes. No, no, no, mini bar is cool. Okay. All right. Thank you. Oops. I got it. All right.

Thank you. Goddamn European doors. I can't even close them. So anyways, yeah, so I kind of, I learned that when I was doing the show in London, I just said to hell with it, you know? Just do the shit like you're standing in the middle of Kentucky. Fuck it. Just do your act.

And if they laugh, they laugh. And if they don't, I will address it. I will then make fun of the fact that I was so stupid that you thought I was going to get it or something will come to me. And then I was able to relax and I had this fucking awesome show in London. So I was like, well, it worked in London. Let me do that over here. So I show up to this place in Denmark and it's probably like a, I don't know, 400-seater.

And I'm not going to lie to you, only about 125 people showed up, you know? But why would four and a people show up? I've never been on TV over here, whatever. This is the whole purpose of it. And I got three DVDs for all these people, right? So the basic marketing strategy is I'm going to go on stage, fucking destroy, and then they're going to take these DVDs and go, once you must see this America next time it comes to town.

Yeah. I apologize to anybody from fucking Denmark who because I keep making you guys talk like fucking SS people. I don't know. I can't, I can't do your accent. Go fuck yourselves. I'm trying. So they have this dude from Sweden open the show and he comes up and he's speaking, I

don't know, Swedish, Danish, I don't know what the fuck. He's got spicy, spicy, spicy, spicy, spicy, right? And the crowd is, you know, sort of giggling, sort of laughing. It was kind of a weird thing where there was a bunch of comedians in the crowd. So this guy goes on stage, he's a comedian, he's a newer comedian, I don't know what the deal is. And they're sort of laughing, but not really. And then in my head I'm like, oh, fuck, is this what's going to happen to me?

And but I don't know. I just felt like this great vibe in the room. I went out there and I did what I would do in the States because I was sitting there in my head going that fucking cunt in the taxi cab. Americans, that's so stupid with the geography, was bugging the shit out of me. But I didn't want to go up there and shit on one of their countrymen because I thought they would all pull back and then they wouldn't like me. And I was like, well, what if this was the States?

What if you were down south? You're clearly a fucking Yankee. Some guy said, hey, buddy, you fucking kicked the sasko to rise again. That's what the fuck I would open with. So I said to hell with it. That's what I'm doing here. And I went out there and I shit all over the guy and then I basically said something to the effect of, yeah, did you go to medical school to become a taxi driver?

And they laughed their asses off and I was like, oh, look at this. Just like America, except they're bilingual and everything went great after that. And there's my European story so far. Underrated for the weak fucking direct TV and getting the NFL network people. I don't give a shit what your landlord says. Put a fucking dish on the side, figure out a way to do it, steal somebody else's direct TV. I got it.

It is fucking phenomenal. It's like your own sports bar. It's the greatest fucking thing ever, except you can just sit there and chill. You don't have to fucking sit there and listen to all those idiots who ruin the game. You know, you know those idiots, those Jersey wearing ball watching jackasses, you know, who like something happens and then they yell at your table all day. They do that shit. Some tub of shit who couldn't even catch a basket of potato skins if you underhanded

it to him like he was a fucking three year old. All of that shit. Oh, one of the last times I went to a sports bar, it was when the Saints were on their run and all of a sudden for the first time in my life, I saw Saints fans, you know, and they all got their brand new fucking jerseys on typical sports bar fans, brand new fucking jerseys on going who that who that who that. They go to beat them Saints. It's just like where under what fucking rock did you crawl?

Where the fuck are you bad? Right. Ball watching jackasses. You get the NFL package. You don't have to deal with it anymore. You don't have to fucking deal with it anymore. I got I got that and I got the NHL package. And that's what I'm doing.

I'm going to get the MLB package when that comes around. I am going to have a four hundred dollar a month cable bill and I'm going to sit there with the with the fucking nirvana like look on my face as I pay that cable bill every year. I am every month. I am done with sports bars. I don't know why the fuck you would ever go. Why the fuck you would ever go? What do you want to see?

You want to see the sports bar horse? Those are some of my favorite ones. Isn't that great how women can make anything look sexy? You know, those girls, they come there and they tie their fucking jerseys off and they put some grease under their eyes. And he just in the little fucking ponytail and they act like they're there to watch the game when they're really there, you know, just to test their pussy power, just to kind of walk around, get everybody all fucking worked up.

I went to a place out here a few weeks ago down on Melrose called Parlor live and I don't know. I don't know if I'm getting old or what, but it was a fucking mob scene. You know, something, if I was in my 20s, I would go down there because there was a ton of hot chicks down there, you know, and isn't that what you want as a guy? Some hot chick with a fucking ponytail who actually watches sports, you know. So I guess, you know what? I just realized I was too fucking old to go down there because I literally went down

there and I was like, why is why the TV so loud? Turn it down. I can't hear myself. Fuck. Whatever. All I'm saying is I'm telling you, if you're younger, you're in your 20s. Just don't, don't, don't go drink it for a couple of weekends. Pull that money together with your roommates and go out and get a dish.

You fucking douchebags. I'm telling you. All right. And then what you do is you have people come. You have those fucking sports horse come over to your place. There's your TV. Three feet over. Oh, there's your, there's your bedroom.

It's right fucking there. Then they're already used to coming over to your place. If you hang out with them another night and you invite them up, the place is already familiar. Oh, shit. I think I'm on to something. All right. This is what you do if you're in your 20s.

Pull your money together with the other fucking slob of a roommate or slobs. All right. And this is the big thing. You invite your friends over and they bring their broads over too. All right. This is to get laid, by the way, because I know a lot of sports fans will be like, you don't want any girls there because they're just going to talk during the game and shut up during the commercials.

I understand that. But if you want to bang a couple of them, this is what I'd do. You get that shit. And the big thing is make sure your fucking apartment is clean. Make it immaculate. All right. There's nothing that dries up a pussy like a dirty apartment. I'm telling you, if they walk in and they feel that they're going to fuck inside

of a laundry bag that they're out, they are out the door. And if you try to make a move, you have a 30% chance that they're going to scream rape. All right. All that shit that everybody says is for fucking quiz. Get sent. It can't get something, some sort of fucking decent smell going on in there. Take the shit from your male friends when they come in like, dude, it

smells like a fucking candle store. Would you pull that thing out of your ass? Take that shit. Right. All you have to show is in your 20s. All you got to do is show remotely some level of fucking maturity. And I'm telling you, you're in the goddamn game. I don't know.

There's something about him. He dresses nice. His apartment is clean. I think he's worthy of entering my vagina, right? Yeah. What the fuck is I don't even get me started with that shit. Those people who dress up for games, you know, like those stupid fucking Raider fans.

What are they doing? Did they understand how it went from one of the scariest places you could ever play to now looking? It looks like a musical. Looks like a Broadway musical. Like I look at that and all I, I don't think intimidating. I think Phantom of the Opera. I really wish I knew some of that music.

I'm sure a lot of the people in the black hole and they stand up for the whole game. Do they? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, look, it's Darth Vader. Gee, I don't know if I can catch this football now. Raider Nation, you guys have the best fucking uniforms in all the football. You have the best logo. You have the baddest fucking tradition.

And I don't know what you guys did to it. You need to get those sci-fi. Road warrior wannabes out of your stadium. And you got to go back to looking like the fucking Hell's Angels like you used to be. You know, look, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was actually going to go to the Patriots game up there with a buddy of mine. And he's like, dude, we're not wearing any Patriots shit.

I go, fuck, fuck, no. This is the West Coast. The shit isn't fun out here. People get stabbed, they get shot, you lose an eye. They're out of their fucking minds. All right, but I can tell you right now, Boba Fett is not doing that shit. Okay, or the guy with his fucking shoulder pads and his fake spikes coming out of it. With your bandanas in your face makeup.

You know, I love about those guys is I just want to see them, you know, when they're their alter ego, you know, like when they're in Burt Ward mode and they're just waddling down the street going to work, you know. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I think you guys need to go back to looking like fucking Ken Stabler and Jack Tatum. You know, you really should go back to that. And you know something, I'm actually being, I'm not being fair to Oakland rate of fans right now because I've been to a game up there and most of them look that way.

And I actually talked to a couple of them and they fucking can't stand those guys who dress up like they're in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And typical TV, typical TV, who do they put on? Do they put on the real Raider fan who's just sitting there maybe with a Raider T-shirt or just dressing with the black T-shirt and looks like he'd slice your throat, you know, like a normal, upstanding Raider fan looks like? No, who do they put on? They put on the guy dressed like the chef on the Muppet Show.

With a fake scar painted on his... Dude, at one point they had some guy I was watching the game and his douchebag is just sitting there, this face painted and he's like, It's like, what happened to you? You know what happened is balls dried up. There's a point, like they don't really talk about this in health class in high school. You get to a point where you're such a douchebag and it's been so long since you actually laid down with the woman that your balls turn into sawdust

and the estrogen levels go up. And the next thing you know, you go out and you buy a little vanity and you're like, I just don't want to go to a football game. I want to go there and character five, six, seven, eight, Chanel. Oh, God, help me. The next time I go up to the Bay Area. So anyway, so we were going to go to the game and they say and right off the bat, I'm like, dude, I'm not wearing any patch shit.

And the dude's like, yeah, absolutely not. You know, why would you do that to yourself? You know, why would you do especially out on the West Coast where you get shot stabbed or you lose your fucking eye? So we came up with this great plan. I ended up not going up there, but I want to pass this on to my listeners here. This is a great thing that you can do, especially when you know your team's going to win. You go there dressed in the other team's colors

and then you act upset when your team is kicking the shit out of them. That's what I was going to do. I wasn't going to wear a Raiders thing. I was going to go there in a black, black thermal. And as Tom Brady was marching up and down the field and everybody around me was going, oh, what the fuck? I'd be like, yeah, come on, watch. They're probably going to score again.

Oh, great. Just what we needed. You know, it's funny. Nobody would have noticed. No one would ever stop and go, wait a minute. This guy looks like a fucking leprechaun. We don't have any redheads in fucking Oakland. This guy's a double agent.

They never would have been able to figure it out. You know why? Because they would have had too much makeup in their eyes. I got to say this. Was I right or was I right about Mark Sanchez? I'm sure he's a great guy. I'm sure he makes a hell of a Salisbury steak. You know, I'm sitting there watching ESPN.

OK, and I've been saying it for years. I'm like the way to beat the Jets is you have to go up by two scores. Touchdown and a field goal. That's all you need. And then all of a sudden, Mark has to be a quarterback and he has to make something happen. He can't just manage the game and be like, don't throw a pick. Don't throw a pick mark and just fucking throw it out of bounds.

He has to try and do something. All right, well, this year, you know, they lost a couple of players on D. They got a couple of injuries. Now, all Mark has to be Captain Comeback. And, you know, I was watching today on ESPN. They said, you know, when you when you're running games, not working and you can only hit intermediate passes and you can't throw the ball deep,

that's going to be easy to defend against. And I'm sitting there on the couch going, say it. Say it. Just fucking say it. He's not as good as you tried to tell me that he was. OK, and New Yorkers, if you ever wondered why everybody fucking hates you guys. All right. Yes, we are jealous of your fucking awesome city. It is awesome. All right, but not because you're there before you puff out your mantits. All right.

This is why I can't stand New York, because if you play sports in New York City, if you just scratch your ass, they call you a fucking star. It's ridiculous. If Mark Sanchez played for the fucking Seahawks, if he played for the Chiefs, if he was down there in Texas, playing for them fucking Texas down in Houston, why? You wouldn't hear a fucking word about that guy. All right.

But all of a sudden he plays in New York and he's got dreamy eyes, man. You stay start ramming him down my throat like he says fucking superstar. Very fast guy, very elusive, difficult to sack. I'll give him that shit. All right. When's the last time you saw him throw a frozen rope? Put that fucking ball. He does the back shoulder thing. Oh, he's all right.

You know. Well, everybody down there saying he's a fucking star. Give me a goddamn break. All right. Give me a fucking break. That guy is is upper mediocre. I would rather have Philip Rivers than I would Mark Sanchez. And they're sitting there throwing this guy down my goddamn throat

while his defense is winning games. It's like fucking Jim McMahon. Jim McMahon walking around with spiked hair and sunglasses on while his fucking defense shuts everybody down. Oh, gee, did you win the game, Jimmy? Warm things up this spring with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from N.S.

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