Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-19

Episode Date: October 4, 2019

Bill rambles about unseen minorities, back ailments, and Jeffery Dahmer’s dessert.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I am just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. I'm just checking in to see how your work week's going. Who's kidding? Who? I'm just checking in because I don't want you to forget about me.

What was the name of that guy on Monday? Who was yelling? It's Bill Byrne, Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I threw out my back. Yep. Jesus, Bill, I've managed your advanced age. How did you do that? Stretching?

You know, my left shoulder, I'm fucking working through it, right? I've been going to the gym, going to the pool. I'm at that age. That's how old I am. You know, when you're younger, you look at a pool like, oh my God, imagine the fun we could have, splashing about. When you get older, you're just like, oh man, it's physical therapy, is all you see. Oh, I could fucking get my shoulder.

I could lift my arm up to the side without it fucking shooting pain down to my wrist. So whatever. I had a little bit of frozen shoulder. You know, which as you know, anybody else rotate a cup issue, you can end up with one of those because you limit the range of your movement of your arm because it fucking hurts. And then what happens is if you don't do the full range, just, I don't know what happens. Schmutz grows over your tendons and all of a sudden it fucking hurts to move your goddamn arm, frozen shoulder, everybody.

I have the same thing that Jeffrey Dahmer used to have for dessert. Sorry. It's a cannibalism joke. Come on. Jeffrey Dahmer as a doctor. What can I do for you? I got frozen shoulder. Sounds delicious.

Sorry. You would not want to say that to Jeffrey Dahmer. You would not want to come in in July. Just put it that way and talk to Dr. Jeffrey Dahmer. Sorry. Anyway. So last night I was on the couch, I was trying to improve my range of motion and I started watching this series, Succession.

Or as I call it, How Dare You, You Son of a Bitch. That's what I said in the end. You want to watch an episode of How Dare You, You Son of a Bitch? Great fucking show, great acting and all that type of stuff. But I can never remember. I keep forgetting if it's Succession or Succession, but it's Succession. So I just go, hey, Nate, you want to watch an episode, I'm going to get you, You Son of a Bitch?

How could you? You said I was going to be the guy that did the thing, you know? I know I'm making fun of it, but I absolutely love it. It's a fucking awesome show. So anyway, I'm on the couch and I was just trying to move my arm in circles, you know what I mean? And I was in a weird position on the fucking couch and all this and everything. I felt a little bit like it went out.

And I said, all right, and I got up because I made pumpkin bread last night, two loaves of pumpkin bread. I mean, could I sound like an older man? Now I'm talking about physical therapy in a pool, throwing out my back and I was making pumpkin bread. Can't you just hear the sound of my slippers shuffling across the linoleum floor? Sitting there in my fucking dirty old robe with my old man balls hanging down to the fucking floor.

So I got up to have a piece, basically, I fucked it up too. I always do a couple early. I'm lying. This year I did a couple early because I'm going on the road here for a few days. And you know, I felt bad or whatever I'm having the time of my life being out here. I told you I got my daughter a tricycle and she's totally figured the thing out and we were riding around in the driveway doing circles. She knows how to steer it now.

She goes frontward. She goes backwards. And her big thing is, you know, I run away from the tricycle, keep turning around in horror going, no, no, no. So she loves that game now. She goes, dad, I ride tricycle and dad, I go, no, no, no, it's the cutest thing ever. So yesterday, we've been doing that all week. So yesterday I actually got on my bike, which I bought with my paper route money way back

in the day in the early 80s. And I was thinking as I was getting on it, whoever thought that I'd ever ride this thing with my beautiful daughter was an awesome moment. And I know what you guys are thinking, Jesus Christ, Bill, what the fuck are you riding a bicycle for that you bought in the early 80s because you know what the great thing about a bicycle is you never have to throw it out. There is no fucking reason ever to throw out a bike unless you got hit by a car on it and it bent the frame.

You somehow survived. You lift your leg up and you did that roll up and over the car, landed on your feet, you know, with your big Tom Selleck mustache. Maybe you did that, but most people don't. And yeah, I remember being in New York, I saw one that was all fucking banged up and frosted. It's like, Jesus Christ. I get it.

Did I have to see the twisted up bike? Anyway, Jesus Christ, I went from a cute story to fucking frightening. So I don't know if that's how it started with my back. I don't know what the fuck happened. So but I'm doing what I always do with my back as I just go through the basic yoga poses and I just keep, you know, put my arms up and just hang from a fucking doorframe. I don't put my weight on it because I'll fuck my shoulder up. It's really like, you know, if I could be an arrogant ass, it's like flying instruments,

right? You're in the clouds and you lose a couple of gauges and then you got to use other gauges for other shit. You know what I mean? You lose your altimeter. So now you use your fucking VSI. Oh, Jesus, the rain man's on the podcast. I've been going through the pilot, whatever, the fucking test prep book.

I outlined all eight chapters. I fucking crushed chapter one, chapter two was weather. I had to stay on that for like two, three days. Now I feel confident about that. And then I got to chapter three, which was the instrument. I just got fucking crushed. I didn't know shit. You know what fucking kills me?

These fucking assholes who fly airplanes, they're such fucking dickheads. Everything's like geared to them. Everything in my life, I've always been the fucking left-handed guy looking for a pair of scissors back in the day when I was trying to make a snowflake. When I wanted to cut around the trace thing for the fucking day, there was nothing. Then you put the right-hand scissors in your left hand and they wouldn't fucking cut. So then I had to fucking learn how to cut the right. Every fucking, I'm always, I had fucking red hair, but I was a white guy.

So I got the toxic male fucking white shit as I stood there, clearly getting chased around at recess, right, based on my own color of my hair and my pasty legs, right? An unseen minority, running by, burning up in the sun in front of everybody. So now we get to this fucking test prep thing. Everything's geared towards fixed wings or fucking planes. You know, and then if it's a helicopter question, they're like, oh, uh, you know, rotorcraft only, but I got to fucking learn how you, the fucking slip and skid and bank and all of that shit.

But you know what, after my meltdown and after this one, I just say, fuck this. I pull up a couple of YouTube videos and I just learn about it. And now I've become fascinated by airplanes and specifically how much cheaper they are because there's so much less losing, uh, moving parts, I should say, and they're way fucking faster and you can go farther. So I'm sitting here, you know, the only thing I could afford to get in a helicopter. Actually, I can't afford any of them because my wife doesn't want me to get one, which means, okay, whatever money I saved up to buy a helicopter, I'm going to

lose in the divorce. Well, like a helicopter, it's just like, you know, he's sort of limited. How far you can, I mean, you could fly one across the country, but at my age, I wouldn't want to do it. It's like Ryan for you motorcycle guys, I'm a hard tail. Is that what you call it? Um, so, uh, anyway, but the, you know, those, those airplanes, we can get a fucking airplane for like 30 grand, a used one, right?

I know there's a lot of people that are, oh, Jesus, the fucking used airplane. That's fine. Fucking things are maintained, hopefully, um, cruise right out to vague. All of a sudden it becomes like everything's within reach. You know, if you had a fucking airplane, right, 30,000 bucks and you lived in Los Angeles and you want to go to see one of the last Donnie Marie shows at the flamingo, like I do, you could jump in your fucking plane and you could get out there and I don't know what, like a little over an hour cruise out toward a

nuts, right over the Mojave desert. Yeah, not stupid bill. Old left handed orange headed bill. Not him. He chooses the hard way. Fucking helicopter. Fucking 90 knots, fucking 80 knots and on R 22, with a fucking headwind, looking down at the highway, watching cars pass you, you know, but I can hover over this

family of grizzly bears, 700 feet above noise abatement, throwing a scare the animals, um, sorry. Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? All right, my pack feels a little bit better. Oh, I can't sit like this because this fucks it up. Um, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Oh Jesus Christ, that's when you know, you're fucked up when a

hunching over feels better than standing up straight. And you know what the best thing about the back is, is it's a complete fucking mystery. It's like the common cold. Right now I'm going to get a bunch of people writing in going up, you know, you want to do, you want to drink some chamomile tea and take the last three sips, throw it over. This is key now, throw it over your left shoulder.

Now hold the cup, the weight of the cup without that tea in it. Okay. With your right arm crossed over your left shoulder. I cannot stress that enough is what's going to free up your E six. Shut the fuck up. You don't know. And I don't know. All I know is I just do the yoga poses until it fucking goes away.

That's what I do. All right. I tell you guys how my wife took over the fucking couch that we have. It's unreal. She bought this big, long, stupid thing that fucking heats up. We have a fucking L shaped couch. And the way it's set up is you can just lay on one part of it and your head straight ahead, looking at the TV.

It's fucking perfect. Slip off into an old man nap, wake up. What I miss, what I miss, you know, is Trump still president? Where am I? Right. Um, nope. My lovely wife went out and bought this fucking thing. I swear to God, it's like sleeping on a fucking coffee table.

And, uh, she, she told me last night, well, lay on this, lay on this. It's fucking, it heats up. It'll be good for your back. It's like it isn't. I sleep on it. My fucking ass hurts. You know, it's like, I, I, it's like I'm sitting on a slab of limestone. She loves it.

Can't get enough of it, but here's the fucking thing. She loves it. So it's going to stay there. You understand? If, if, if she didn't love it and I got it, that thing would have been in the fucking trash a long time ago. So now that's my leverage. As far as buying like a little two-seater helicopter, which I, if I did, I would buy

that fucking cabri, the French one, because that guy took apart the R 22 and found all of anything that he thought he could do better and he fucking did. It's a little more expensive. I don't know. My buddy was trying to help me out. He goes, you're much better to buy a used one that can hold more than fucking two people, you know, have more inertia on your fucking main rotor blade. So you don't have to fucking freak out if you had a fucking engine failure.

So I'm like, all right, you know, there's some merit to that. So this is how I'm arguing with my wife. I'm going like, you can fucking take over a couch and I can't buy a helicopter. I'm never going to buy a helicopter. Oh, fuck me back. I'm never going to get one. I want to know, you know what? Fuck that.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to get one. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to get my fucking instrument rating. Then I'm going to get my commercial rating. And then I'm just going to start fucking, I'm going to have, I'm going to start flying tours and the tours are going to be where I want to go that day. Hey, you guys want to fly out to Arizona for the Arizona Cardinals versus

the fucking New England Patriots. All right. You guys play for the helicopter. I'll pay for the fuel. Boom. And I'll basically fly for free. That's what I'm going to do. Um, are you billed?

I don't know. That's the fantasy. Uh, anyways, the NHL started last night. That and the Bruins, their first ones, uh, tonight, the Bruins shaking off that game seven loss. Oh, we got a little bit tougher. You know, I should have watched last night. I didn't have, you know, I bitched about the fucking, uh, direct TV, uh,

yesterday, you know, God damn it. I got a fucking email. There's nothing we can do to try to make it. Yeah, just fucking give me the NFL package. Charge me. I'm not looking for a deal. Fucking cocksuckers. Um, and while you're at it, throwing the center ice package, there we go.

Bang, bang, boom, daddy TV. That's what it's called in my house. I watch puppy dog pals. We're watching daddy TV. You know, and I put on hockey and then I take out our little fucking. And we got this little setup, the one of her on scotter, you know, two little goals, that thing where you're down on your knees and you got the little sticky play fucking hockey.

She loves it. I have to put on a knee pad for my right fucking knee. This is all just, you know, pathetic. My body's breaking down, you know, but my mind's still there and I just feel people, they're not treating me the same and it's torture. Um, Bruins have the Dallas. Tonight. And this is our first year with what's his face.

Renee, what's his face? Is he going to be singing the fucking national anthem? What will we do without that vibrato? Although I don't think he sang throughout the playoffs. Did he? I can't remember. I'm old. Oh, you fucker.

Oh, right in the center of the back. I gotta tell you, the center of the back is not as bad as lower back. Lower back's the worst, you know, that's when you literally brush in your teeth and you put your head down to spit in the sink and you just like, and it echoes in the bathroom and you fucking scare everybody. I think the house is haunted. Um, so anyway, I'm going to be watching that tonight and then I have a set. I think I want to say at the improv tonight down on Melrose for the Conan

takes over comedy festival, Conan O'Brien, the great Conan O'Brien, another redhead, another unrecognized minority, you know, I mean, I understand not seeing me, but that guy's like six, six, you know, how do you not see that guy? Explain that to me. Um, yeah, so I was in a bad way last night. It was fucking hilarious. My back was out. My shoulders fucked up and then I fucked up making the pumpkin bread.

As I was putting it in, you know, I put it on the top rack. I'm like, isn't it supposed to be in the middle of the oven? I left it on the top rack. And then when I was done, the fucking outside was cooked. The inside wasn't. I had to put it back in by the time the inside was cooked, the outside was a little crunchy. That's all right.

So I had two slices of that. You know, cut up two slices. Monant, you know, as I'm walking in my fucking back, I sit down, you know, my wife eats one of them. I'm like, how is it? And I got like an eight second pause and I'm just like, Jesus Christ, just put me out of my misery. She goes, the inside's good.

All right, I know. I fucked it up, right? So, um, I ate the other slice and a half and then like, I got the worst fucking heartburn because I've been eating so well. I got the worst fucking heartburn. I mean, I'm literally just breaking down. So it's over. I had everything in my life last night, except a fucking walker and a goddamn

colostomy bag. So I got the worst heartburn. Sonia's like, you know, I'm like, are we going to eat tons of rollades? You know, which is a clear fucking sign that you need to either change your diet or not eat whatever the fuck you just ate ever again, right? So she goes, we don't have any. And, uh, I go, all right, what's a natural way to get rid of the heartburn? So they had that apple cider vinegar to sip that.

So she took out a shot glass, you know, one of the ones that reminded me of my drinking days, which is coming up on 45 weeks ago. Oh, Freckles is lucky seven weeks away from doing the year. I said, I was going to do it and God damn it, I'm going to do it. And after that, I don't know what, I don't know what, I think I'm going to go to my next birthday when I turn 52, right? Cause I always wanted to go a whole year, January, December. And I also wanted to go a whole birthday where I could be like, you know,

I didn't drink when I was 51, the whole fucking year. But if I get to 52, then it's kind of cool. Cause I'd be like, I haven't drank since I was 50. Now I'm on a little bit of run, a little bit of run here, right? You're going to sit me down. You know, like the, like the way they did to Eli Manning, my voluntarily going to do it, just do a beer and a fucking shot. Take myself out the way Cal Ripken Jr. did.

Bill, are you comparing yourself to elite athletes? Yes, I am. She could tell by my physical condition that I've discussed on this podcast. I think I'm right there with them. Is there anything worse than ending your career in New York city? It's just the fucking worst because everyone just starts shitting on you. Everybody forgets about what you did for the franchise. And then because it's New York, it's like, oh my God, you know,

is this the worst retirement? Everything that happens in New York, that's all they do is just fucking, you know, over and over and over again. Like I swear to God, if the New York Knicks ever did what the San Antonio Spurs did over the last couple of decades, we'd never hear the end of it as opposed to the Spurs, who it's just like a blip on the radar. Even the fucking, what the Steelers did in the 70s in Pittsburgh, right?

You still hear about that. If they, if the Pittsburgh Steelers were the San Antonio fucking breakfast burritos, whatever the fuck they would be called down there, right? You would fucking, uh, the, the, the, the San Antonio Tex Mexers. The San Antonio death penalties. Trying to think of all the great things that I've seen. I had a great breakfast burrito last time I was in San Antonio. It's fucking delicious.

I mean, that's what you got to do when in Rome, right? I mean, you're going to go to Italy and get some Thai food. You're not, you're getting the pasta. Um, yeah, no one would know what to fucking remember. Watching what, the way Eli Manning has been treated, I swear to God, you would think that he didn't fucking beat Bill Belichick in the Patriots twice with Tom Coughlin. You wouldn't think that I never saw a guy so recently winning a really last five

year of his, of his career, all he did is give him shit. They gave him shit all last year. He spent last year on his back looking out his fucking earhole. He had no protection whatsoever. You know, he's such a fucking class act. He never said anything. You know, never made that face. Like I'm blaming my fucking teammate, shaking his fucking head.

Never did any of that. Just took it like a man. And now, you know, this other kid, he's running around. He's won a couple of games for him. He's been nothing but supportive, total 100% class fucking act. And I liked that he stayed Eli while he was in New York. You know what I mean? He didn't switch over to some fucking, what's that goddamn store?

Barneys. He didn't go there and buy a bunch of shit. He didn't. He kept wearing his fucking dockers. Same way. Same way he came in. So I don't understand why my, now my throat's all fucked up and I not barely smoke cigars anymore.

I mean, I'm literally falling apart everybody. This next podcast I'm going to do is going to be a benefit for me, for me. The benefit podcast. Patrick Ewing, the way they treat him. Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter. Is Derek hurting the lineup? They kept writing all of that shit towards the end.

It's just like, they're just such fat fucking cunts in New York. You know, in the New York sports media, they're just a bunch of fat fucking cunts. I don't know. Maybe they have to be because there's so many papers, so they just have to focus on the fucking negative all the time. But I don't know. As a Red Sox fan, if I'm fucking sitting there going, Jesus Christ, take it easy on Derek Jeter.

I mean, you're a little out of line now. So anyway, I'm kind of glad I'm not living there right now, watching them fucking shit all over that guy. And then of course, this guy's won two games, and you know how the New York media is. So now the name, is this guy the next fucking Joe Namath? Did YA Tittle just come onto the gridiron? Two fucking wins.

That's all it takes. Okay, I think that that's why New Yorkers don't travel as well. I love shit, not a man. I'm just having a good time. I know fucking Rappaport's always trash in Boston, so I can't have one podcast where I just fucking make fun of New Yorkers. New Yorkers are the worst traveled people ever. I've always said this a million times.

That's why, you know, because everybody blows New York, you know what I mean? So then all the guys walk around, they had this attitude like they were in Destiny's Child, you know? Which by the way, I am so sick of them glorifying Divas. You know what I mean? And these guys are damn feminist. They're out there all the time going like,

you know, if a woman does it, she's a bitch. If a guy does it, you know, if he gets respected, it's like, what the fuck is wrong with Divas? They're all clearly walking around acting like a bunch of cunts. And they just, what kills me is the crowd cannot get enough of it. They see the attitude. You know this person wouldn't even give you the fucking time of day. They're just in the crowd.

Yes! Yes, Queen! Yes! They can't get enough of it. Treat us like shit! I do not understand that fucking crowd whatsoever. VH1's the cunts, that's what I would have called it. Don't listen to me, okay? Just don't listen to this shit. My back's fucking killing me.

And then I come walk it out, right? Out to the garage where I've been banished because I cursed too much on the podcast. I mean, you wouldn't be thinking the way I crushed this mortgage that me, I'm the same guy. Fucking have to come out here to my goddamn garage, which is a fucking, you know, no heat, no AC. It's like I'm living in a, it's like I'm living in a log cabin that's made out of stucco.

No, I fucking, so I walk out here and this is fucking cat that keeps, you know, it's not our cat, you know, cats, they don't give a shit. Okay, they cross lines like a fucking hot chick, you know, they can start swinging on bouncers. They're still getting a free drink. They don't give a fuck, right? It's a goddamn fucking cat. Comes in and takes a fucking shit right in front of my fucking door and in my garage.

That's how my day started, right? Hobbling out across the little brick patio, every fucking step. Because in one hand I have my fucking laptop, right? And the other hand, I have fucking, I don't know what the fuck I had, something lighter. So it was making me not balanced. I don't know what the fuck it was doing. To my back.

And then what do I see is cat shit. I thought these things fucking shit in a litter box. I'm assuming it was a cat. Who knows what the fuck it is. I don't know. So then I had to go back in the house, shuffle back in the house and pick up some cat shit. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cyrillus, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose

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Your balls will thank you. Yeah, you know something? If you use this shit, hopefully, you know, I went to a dermatologist one time, right? This is just all my health issues. And, uh, I had like, uh, on my leg, I was flying all the way to Australia. I thought I had a dry patch of skin or something like that. I don't know what the fuck, I know it's gross.

So I was using this fucking ointment and it wasn't working. What the fuck was it that, uh, oh, Jesus. This is the most critical part of the story. Because the lady, the dermatologist was going, I'm going to give you something, you know, a prescription thing that's going to get rid of it, but you have to watch out. You can't use it too much because there's a steroid in it or something.

I don't know what the fuck it was, right? But what I was using that oxy, something on oxy 10, that's for fucking pimples. That oxy, what the fuck is it? Begins with an O. I was using it on there and she goes, you got to watch out. I had a guy come in here and he was using that on his balls.

She didn't say it like that because he sweated so much down there and he was using talcum powder and then all these women, you know, were finding out that it was a fucking carcinogen or some shit like that. So he switched to that shit, the other shit, and he got stretch marks around his fucking balls. Not like his balls because they're all wrinkled, but like his fucking, you know, the whatever you call the top

of your legs that are a beam, your balls, he got stretch marks down there. And I actually laughed, which made it weird for half a second because doctors care. All right. Hello fresh, everybody. What is hello fresh?

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Monday morning podcast. You guys have yourselves a wonderful weekend. You cunts. Here we go, Bruins. Here we go. It started Bruins going for their seventh Stanley Cup this year. Can we get over the hump?

Can we get a bunch of goons that can run a fucking gold tender and win a cup like those fucking cunts to St. Louis Blues, right? God bless their fans. They got to see them win a cup. But the Jesus Christ that was like watching that. Watching them win the cup last year was like watching a fucking fucking tone deaf group of people

try to sing a fucking song. Not even. They just played old school hockey. I still cannot get over that. They were allowed to play 80s, early 90s fucking hockey. The exact shit that they were trying to. I have a little hangover from that loss. Sorry that they were allowed to play that the exact kind

of hockey that they fucking penalized us out of. And we show up with an Olympic hockey team. Hey, let's play a little fucking, you know, no touch icing. We literally got, we got beat last year. The Boston Bruins got beat by a team playing Bruin hockey. That's what I'll never, I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, I hope we got a little more teeth in the bear this year.

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll, uh, I'll talk to you on Monday. Oh, I'll be at the Patriots Redskins game. So look for my bald head and my fucking aching back at RFK Stadium, whatever the hell they play now. Bye.

Oh, by the way, can we talk about that lady, the fucking lady? There's a woman out there. She fucking was married to a guy who was a billionaire. She's getting a divorce. The guy wrote her a check just under a billion dollars, and she turned it down. Now I know what a lot of people are thinking, what a fucking gold digging whore.

This is right up Bill's alley. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to tweet a fucking link to this article, and this will get him going on the podcast, and then he'll have a shit fit. And I'll laugh as I'm sitting in my cubicle. Well, surprise, surprise. I'm not really having a shit fit about this,

because I don't think it's about the money. This is the deal. This broad, all right, this fucking twinkle toes here. All right, old little fucking sugar tits here. She married this guy. This guy was worth 50 million bucks. He was an oil man. Get off my fucking property.

We're ain't no global warming. Good. I like that there's a hole in the old zone layer. Makes me feel like I'm closer to God. Right? He's an oil man. Hey, I'll tell you what, Mr. President, I don't even know why I have to call you Mr. President.

I fucking put you in office with my goddamn money. Look at me when I'm talking to you, Obama. All right? My granddaddy put that dictator in fucking power, and he was supposed to give us our little gold little shit there, right? He's supposed to give us our liquid gold, right? He ain't doing it no more.

You got to go over there. You got to take that fucker out. You understand me? I'll give a fuck how you do it. He's an oil man. It's a fucking oil man. All right, he's got Slim Whitman on the laser disc. Right?

That's Irish. What was the fucking Slim Whitman? He sold over 9 million records. Um, anyways, I'm all over the fucking map here. See, I'm back to me. I'm not looking at the TV anymore. So this fucking guy, he's got a $50 million business. He already has this, and this woman does not sign a fucker.

He doesn't sign a prenup with the woman. According to her, she didn't take the $1 billion payout because now 26, 27, 28 fucking years later, they're going for a divorce. This guy's company is worth $20 billion, according to her. All right, now here's the thing. She's like, I was with this guy and I supported him and I held down the fucking home front and all that.

That's got to be worth something. This was fucking crazy to me. It's like, you know, with all due respect, sweetheart, this guy made $50 million without you. Okay? Look, I could see if the guy had a couple hundred grand in the bank. All right, maybe, all right, whatever.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? If you make $50 million, give me a fucking break. If you started out with nothing and you're worth $50 million, you fucking, you know what you're doing. At that point, once you have $50 million, that's when, that's when you're starting to have your own plane. You're in a gated community.

You got your own security system. You fucking kill somebody and the cops go down to your house and they're talking to your lawyer in the driveway as you're sitting there eating fucking escargot and an English muffin. And they're asking your fucking lawyer if you, if you wouldn't mind turning yourself in over the next six, seven days.

You like that level fucking rich. And once you're that level rich, it's all fucking downhill. You're meeting the people that are running the world. You're meeting the people in the Bilderberg group. You meet the people in the other groups that I don't know about or what the fuck they talk about, but I pretend like I do. You're at that level of fucking wealth.

All right? So this fucking guy grows it to $20 billion and she gets a check for a billion, basically. And she says she doesn't want it. She wants more. So everybody's saying that she's a gold diggin' whore. You know what I really think it is? And she's saying that she supported them

and helped the bill. It's like, go fuck yourself. All right? Let's just say for whatever reason, I met an unknown lady Gaga in the East Village 10, 12 fucking years ago. Right? And she's down there ripping off Madonna songs or whatever.

And I'm like, you know what? There's something about her, though. She's got nice legs. She's got a nice ass. I mean, I like the imperfections. I like the giant nose. Look at me. I got red fucking hair.

It's falling out. I think we can make a good couple. You know? We're both a mess. Two negatives make a positive. We'll make a beautiful baby. So I start fucking hanging out with her. Next thing you know, we fall a lot.

Garrett, blood! Go, motherfucker! So then we think, all right. You know, we get married. Okay? And let's just say whatever I'm doing. I'm fucking, I make keys. That's what I do.

That's my job. Okay? And she's out down there. She's down in the village. And she's fucking, you know, she's making her own meat dress. You know? She's going out.

She's making money in a coffee house. And she goes right to the deli. And she buys more meat. She's investing in herself. She's building her career. She's playing the fucking piano. She's coming home. And she's like, what do you think of this?

And I'm like, it sounds good, honey! Right? I'm over there. I'm knitting a fucking sweater. You know, I got a pot roast in the goddamn oven or whatever. Okay? And then she becomes Lady Gaga.

I get to quit my fucking job. I'm Mr. Gaga. I get to go on Oprah and sit there silently, you know? As Oprah talks to Lady for fucking an hour. And then finally she says, well, what, what do you see at her? And then I already have some pre-written speech about how I'm Gaga, about Gaga.

I'm Gaga for Gaga. Whatever the fuck happens, right? And let's just say in the end all of that, I'm walking down the fucking hall blinded by her gold records, platinum records and all that shit. Every morning when I go to brush my teeth, I gotta fucking, I gotta put on my, uh, my amber visions just to get there

so I don't fucking walk into the walk-in closet instead of the bathroom. Let's say at the end of that she gets sick of me and she kicks me to the fucking curb. All right? And let's say she's worth $100 million. And she turns around and says, I'm gonna give you, Bill, I'm gonna write you a check.

Let's do the same thing. Let's say to 20 billion. Just say she's worth 20 million. And she says, Bill, I'm gonna give you a million dollars. And you know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna say thank you Lady Gaga. It was awesome. I enjoy, I was just making keys.

I wasn't gonna make a million dollars in my lifetime. All right? I'm gonna take this money. And I'm gonna pay my taxes on it. I'm gonna get myself a little fucking house. You know? And I'm gonna make keys in the back of it. I'm gonna get my life back.

And I'm gonna find, God knows you gave me plenty of fuck. And I would buy, you know what I would do with that? I would go buy a fuck. Everybody needs keys. Touchdown, Patriots! Who the fuck was that? Who just scored that? Nate Solder just scored his first touchdown ever.

Nice, 23-7. Oh, did we match up better against the Packers? So anyway, oh, look at our, look at two cheaters talking there. On the sidelines, two convicted cheaters. That was a nice play. That was a nice play. How'd you like the video? I love the video.

Anyways, you gotta have a sense of humor about your own fucking team, don't you? Most people don't, but I do. Anyways, so let's go back here. Yeah, she gave me a million bucks. What I would do is I would find a house that cost like, I don't know, like 150 grand,

you know, and I would put down a ridiculous amount of money on it. And then I'd put the rest of the money away, and I would start cutting keys again out of the back of my house. And I'd get that business going, and I would fucking build it up. And then I'd go on to, instead of farmersonly.com, I'd go on like, keymakersonly.com, and I'd try to meet somebody else. That's what the fuck I would do.

I would never try to take her money. I'd be like, you know what? I know I gave you support. I know I said that was a beautiful song. I know you wrote a couple songs about us. Instead of Dear Ben, you wrote Dear Bill. I get it, but I can't sing. I can't play a fucking piano.

Who's kidding who? We both know why I lived the life I lived for the last 10 years. It was because of you, Lady Gaga. And to think I got to live that life and in the end of it, you're going to give me a million bucks to leave? Yeah, you're a fucking saint. I still love you, Lady Gaga, even though you don't love me anymore.

I get it. I didn't know why you loved me in the first place, but God bless you. That's probably why you write such wonderful songs. They're connected with an entire demographic of people. Continued success. Thank you for that million dollars. And I would fucking leave.

All right. I got too much fucking pride to sit there if somebody doesn't fucking want me to then try to take everything they got. I mean, just I couldn't fuck. The second something doesn't want me around, I'm like, all right, Jesus, I didn't know I was annoying you. I get it.

Sorry. Can I grab my things now? Do you want to want me to send somebody else? I would just get the fuck out of there. So anyway, so that seems to be, you know, this lady here that she got a billion dollars and she says it's not enough. What I honestly think it is,

I just think it's an emotional thing for this woman. I don't think it's a money thing because you can't spend that. You can't spend all that fucking money. Right. Did you guys, they actually showed a copy of the of the check that this dude wrote to his ex-wife. He didn't write it on one of those business checks,

you know, that are sort of extra long and the whole extra area, the memo section that you write stuff. He wrote it on like a personal little check, like the same kind of check like, you know, somebody living week to week, the one of those little checkbooks. He wrote a check for like $989 million, $899,000

and 31 cents, whatever the fuck it was. And I think what he did was, this guy's obvious. I don't know what the fuck, maybe he's just good at business. I think he just sat down after they decided on the number. And I bet he did it right in front of her.

After 26 fucking years. Okay. He's walking away. He's leaving and he just sits down and he's just writing money just to make her leave. And he just sits down and goes, scribble, scribble, scribble, sign, sign, sign, dot the I cross the fucking T,

tears it out of you, go beat it, lady. I just think it came across like that. And it fucking pisses her off. And she's just like, this is the thing, the worst thing you can have when a woman's breaking up with you, or if you're breaking up with a woman,

is if she's not over you. If she's over you, it's going to go smoothly. You don't have to deal with her fucking, putting up your pet rabbit in a goddamn stew. All right. But if they're not over you, you got to fucking let them down easy. You can't just push them down

the emotional elevator shaft. All right. You're going to have a major fucking problem. And I think this guy, he just fucking fired off the check like he was paying another bill. And she just was insulted by that. And she's think doing the math and I had like,

you know, this motherfucker is going to, I actually talked a little bit about this on the Chris Layton podcast. So I forgive me if there's a little bit of overlap. But I just wanted to hear what he thought about it. I think that I don't know. I just think that they want you, they want you to hurt.

They just want you to hurt. I don't know what it is. Not all of them, just some of them. And I think that she didn't get enough of a satisfied hurt look on this guy's face. There wasn't enough pain. I mean, I think he just treated her like he had to get the gutters fixed and had some professional come over and did it.

And he just fired off this fucking check and it just pissed her off. Now, because she's more than taking care of for the rest of her fucking life. Anything she could ever want, she's all good. But I think the fact that he still has so much more money and it didn't hurt him to write that check. That, and she knows that he has enough money to get like,

you know, I mean, you got $20 billion. There's like a Victoria's Secret model that will pretend to give a fuck about you for a good year, year and a half. And you can do that for the rest of your life as you ride around in Ferraris. Now her, she's a woman. Guys don't work that way.

We don't really give a shit about money. You know, we're more like enamored by looks. You know, it's both of our fucking weaknesses, whatever. You guys are into stuff. We're into fucking, you know, tits and ass. So, which is why, you know, we will date somebody as dumb as a fucking rock and you will also date some ugly old balding douche, you know,

because they can take care of it. It's kind of what we do. So I'm not really, a lot of people wanted me to go off. Finally, she's a gold dig in her. I don't think she is. I think she's, I think she's hurt. And she's hurt how easy this guy is just getting over. I know all you guys are sitting there going like,

dude, what the fuck? He's writing her check for a billion dollars. I know that hurts. Dude, you got $20 billion. Come on, man. If that's true, if it's true and you got $20 billion. I'll write you a fucking check for a bill. That wouldn't hurt me at all.

There you go. Bang, bang, boom. Bait it. Whistle and Dixie. Jesus Christ, the fucking interest alone on that money. By the time you walk down the driveway or she walks down the driveway leaving you, your money is probably already made fucking $30 million.

The fuck do you care? I know he's probably, that's obviously not $20 billion liquid. He's got a lot of that tied up in Derek's, right? Some giant fucking ranches, some oil rags. Trucks. You You You

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