Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-19

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

Bill sits on his front yard and rambles about young people, celebrating, and Dolemite Is My Name.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And just checking in on you. Sorry. That was even sound of bad to me. Just checking in on you, seeing how your Thursday's going. I know that there is some happy people in the District of Columbia and some unbelievable, unbelievably disappointed fans in Houston, Texas. What a fucking series. First time ever. Seven game series. The road team won every fucking game. Unbelievable. Fucking old field advantage, not this series. Go fuck yourself to that. What a crazy goddamn series. I mean, I'll tell you right now, you've got to think the fucking nationals win the first two games in Houston, then they got

three in a fucking row at home. You think they're gonna be up at least three, two, possibly wrapping up in their own fucking building and they drop the next three at home to moralizing to a team that won it only two years earlier knows how to fucking win has El Tuve they got the mojo going. You think they're gonna drop forward a fucking row. They're gonna wrap it up game six. Nationals come out giving the old right there Fred and fucking game six. And then I love game seven. Astros came back out with their swagger. They were up two to nothing. It was their fucking game. It seemed like they rose to the goddamn occasion. And then I don't know what the fuck happens. I was kind of watching my kid. And then when

I saw the second home run, which I thought tied it up, I didn't know it was a two run shot. It was the first one to two run shot. I don't know. I was doing daddy duty. I did like nine Rick flares in a row. My wife was upstairs. Let's go. I fucking tied it up. And then I was like, no, they're up by one. And they got the insurance run. Then they had the 123 fucking inning in the ninth inning. And that was just fucking over over every inning. It seemed the Astros had one or two guys on base and some other nationals would get out of it. Who the fuck would have thought? Then for some reason, Bryce Harper gets a ton of shit. I don't understand that like what he had to do with anything. The man was

nice enough to go make somebody else spend $300 million on him. You guys won a World Series. There was no reason to say mean shit to him. He had nothing to do with it. You know, he's a great player. You know, they didn't go in after Bryce Harper really say more about you than it did about him. You know, fucking you fucking left me. Well, fuck you, dad. Mom's banging a better looking guy now, man. That bullshit. And I never thought so. Congratulations to the Washington National Slash Montreal Expos. There's got to be a few Montreal fans up there that were happy, but we're also shedding a few tears. Some legit baseball fans, the five or six of them up there. Don't worry. I believe the Tampa

Bay Devil raise. Sorry, raise. Don't want to piss it off. Any Jesus freaks up in Montreal might be coming your way. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on in Tampa. I think they just, you know, if it's not fucking that grapefruit, grapefruit league horseshit, they don't care about it because Tampa Bay raise consistently almost from the beginning have just been a quality product to go down and see. But I just think there's too many people that relocated Florida. You know, it's like LA. LA notoriously loses football teams and baseball teams and all of this shit. It's just because this just the weather is just too goddamn nice. And there's too many transplant people that are just like, can

you believe it's 60 degrees in January? And then you just go outside. Nobody cares. And the only reason why the Lakers draw is because so many fucking celebrities show up. Everybody wants to go down and see who's sitting court side texting and not fucking paying attention. Oh, a Celtics fan. He's a stellar Celtics fan. Got a trash time. I'm fucking with you. They have a good fan base, but it's all at the top of the arena for the most part. I don't know. But what I'm really starting to find is, you know, this guy wrote this whole article about the guy carrying the bat down to first base. I saw, you know, Gary from the Howard Stern show tweeted something which I actually agreed with. And I just think the game has just changed.

And it's kind of like how I don't go to, I would, I would never go to a fucking night nightclub. You know, at my age, I wouldn't do that because it's not my time anymore. It's, this is young people's time. This is their music. Don't be that creepy guy in the corner that's weird and everybody out and everybody's looking over like, Whoa, is that a cop? Does that guy own this place? Was anybody watching my drink when I went to the bathroom? That guy was a little too close to my glass. You don't want to be that guy. I just think it's just a fucking different time because how guys my age view all of this over celebrating in self congratulatory horseshit young people seem to love it. So who the fuck are we to

say that, you know, that it's wrong? I don't know. I look just as an old guy looking at it. It's like cringe worthy fucking behavior. And I don't think that it's genuine. You're not genuinely celebrating. You just did something positive and you know, it's going to be on sports center. So now you got to do the Macarena or pretend to be rowing a boat or whatever fucking stupid thing that they're doing. My favorite thing is when, when a quarterback, which you're not even allowed to hit anymore, literally like an offensive lineman can be tackling you and you fall into just above his knees and it's called roughing the fucking past my thing is when the fucking douche is scrambling, runs six yards for a first down,

the linebacker or a quarterback could totally drill him, but then has to pull up and then the guy slides in like he's playing softball and then immediately pops up and fucking does the first down fucking thing. I mean, even as a young person, you don't think that's a little ridiculous. Don't hit him. Don't hit him. Then he stands up like, yeah, motherfucker, this is what we do. Meanwhile, it's 10 to three in the second quarter. I don't buy it. I don't, but it's your time now. So fucking, you know, you want to watch people reenact 98 degrees is fucking dance moves after they score a touchdown to make it 1716. I mean, I guess that's what the fucking is now. I have to be honest with you. I'm fighting it

because I don't know what I'm going to do if I stop watching sports, but I'm just starting to like, like an old man, like when there's like, I don't know what, I don't know what happens. They just tear down everything and build something made out of glass and you don't recognize anything anymore. And you just kind of got to be like, well, I guess it's over. I guess it's over. So I think it's, it's kind of over for me. I can't believe I'm saying this. I still enjoy the game. The game will always be the game. I just don't know. They should have like a fucking, you know, they never show the fights anymore and hockey. They try to, they pan away from it or they take, oh, now a fight is broken out. You're

like, show it, show it, show it. And they fucking just, it takes them forever to get over there. They should have like a fucking, uh, old man, NFL Sunday. And, uh, this right after, uh, somebody gains, you know, 2.8 yards to make it, uh, you know, second and 7.2 and the person gets up and starts doing whatever the fuck they're going to do. I think they should just go to like a test pattern. It just goes bad. Except it's, uh, music from I don't know the 60s, 70s and 80s. Um, yeah, cause I, uh, I got all excited. They said that, that, that fucking guy in Bebe and the other guy, some other center had a fight and I put it on. They just like, they just put each other in headlocks. There was no, there

was no fight. I could have survived what either one of them did to the other guy. If you just grab me by my big phone, I'm actually half this size. Let's not get crazy built. You're 51, but you know what I mean? I was like, you know, so in Bebe and fucking so-and-so had an actual fight, not one punch was thrown. I know. What do I know? I'm a fucking old man. What do I know? I don't, I don't know anything. So I think, uh, I don't know. This is a good time to leave too. Boston's won all these fucking titles. It's never going to get better than this, right? Brady's going to be gone in probably the next six years. At some point he's going to retire. I should just fucking walk away. You know, I mean,

think about it. Am I really having a good time? All I do is bitch about it now. I go to games and the fucking music is playing during the goddamn game. Yeah, you used to call me on your cell phone. You used to, you used to, I thought I was in a football game. Right? Sitting there going, Jesus Christ, I need fucking earplugs. This is an outdoor stadium and I need earplugs, not from the crowd cheering from the fucking DJ music being played. And I just think like, you know something? I remember a long time ago seeing that great Eagle player on NFL films in the 1980s and they asked him, Hey, when you watch a football game today, how do you feel? He just goes, I wouldn't watch a football game

today if you're fucking, you're just fucking flipped out. And I remember as a young person laughing like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? You don't like watching Dan Marino or whatever, but he was older and he came up in a three yards in a cloud of dust. You could clothesline people and everything. So he thought everybody in the 80s were a bunch of pussies. So now I've become that guy. And rather than further embarrass myself, you know, sitting on my front lawn and by the way, young people someday you will have a front lawn and you won't put on people on it. Okay. When you own the debt on that piece of property and realize that there's no way you're ever going to make money off of this

fucking thing and that bankers actually control everything. You're going to be a little salty when some little cunt comes up on your fucking yard too. We'll see. We'll see. Every generation thinks they're going to let the kids play on their yard. It's not about the kids. It's about you know, it's about today's Halloween and it's about that fucking time when kids show up to the door with that punk ass look on their face, knowing that they're too old to be trick or treating and thinking you're too stupid to realize what's going on. What are my favorite fucking things? What are my favorite fucking things? And this year I think I'm finally just going to say I don't care what they do to my shrubs. I'm just going

to be like, I'm not giving you candy. You're too old. I mean, you're almost as tall as I am. Your voice, your balls have dropped. You got to get the, but I couldn't say that then, right? Because then he would fucking Instagram from the house. Oh my God, me and my friend, we're just trying to trick or treat. And this guy, not only did he not give us candy hashtag humbug, he talked about my testicles. You know, so there you go, young people hit home runs, stand there and admire them because the next, that guy can't get thrown at because everybody's going to get a warning and skip around. You know what I think you should do now? Now you have to take it to the next level, generation Z. I think

when you hit a home run, you carry the bat down to the first baseline and then you start twirling it like a baton as you high step to second base. All right, then you take your hat off between second and third, you know, for all the troops that sacrifice so you could twirl your bat between first and second base. And then you, I don't know, you tie off your shirt for trans people, I guess, on the way to home plate, you know, and then you do the piece you look up to God, because it is all about God. It's not about you. Anyway, that's why I like hockey. I've always liked hockey anyways. But I mean, what's great about hockey is the game moves too fast for all the millennials and generation Zs to be moonwalking every

time they make a good pass or get an assist or whatever the fuck you would celebrate in hockey. I mean, I don't know. Okay, Jesus Christ, even that seemed too long to me. But all right, let's move ahead here. By the way, oh, I got one for you. This is all just, you know, I'm just going to rebrand this whole podcast. It's just fucking old match it, you know, speaking of Halloween, this is the first year I'm going to get to take my daughter out, you know, trick or treating. And I'm going to go old school. I'm going to tell her not to do a celebratory dance when the candy gets put in the bag. And I'm going to teach her to look the person in the eye and say thank you. And then that's going to be

it. Yeah. And someday when she when she turns 10, I'm going to be like, all right, I think you're a little too old for this. Halloween's for the kids. You're not a kid anymore. All right, you can be driving in six years. Quit your crime. Quit your crime. Is that too mean? Am I am I the asshole now? He scores a touchdown to make it 48 to six. And oh my God, he's re-enacting all of West Side Story. I'll tell you, you're going to tell your team like this. I mean, that's just fun. All right, Bill, now that you've pitched for nine weeks in a row about this shit, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to stop watching? How about I think I'm going to when Brady retires, I'll stop. Can I though? I don't think I don't

have anything else in my life. What would I do? I think I'm going to go to college sports because it seems to be less. There's less of that. You know, maybe they're doing the math on how much they just got paid to hit that one home run or catch that touchdown pass or slide over the first down marker. I don't know what the fuck it is. Oh, here's one for you, Bill. Why don't you reach out to the people you're making fun of? Explain to me how it is not, how it is genuinely celebrating when you've worked out a celebration with another teammate. I just started curiosity. It's not in the moment losing your fucking mind. That type of shit, you know, oh, I can't get off this topic, people. Oh, that's hitting

a double game 111 in the middle of the season in your eight games out and you look over at the bench and you do the whole stirring the fucking bowl thing. Oh, are you the guy that stirs it up? Is that why you're not even in fucking the playoff contention? I hit a double. Well, this is what we do. Pretend miming, stirring some oatmeal in a bowl. That really gets everybody going. We seem to see the curveball more. Sorry. Yeah, please, you know what, don't even write it. I don't give a fuck. I really don't give a fuck. It's just all reminding me of that I'm old. It has nothing to do with you guys. It has nothing to do with the fact that you grew up with fucking smartphones and you can't stop taking pictures

of yourselves that has caused you to be the most self involved fucking human beings I've ever seen. It's like it's not enough. You hit a home run and there's 60,000 people standing up chanting your fucking name. It's not enough. There has to be another level of me. I'm going for a record here. I'm going for what? Oh my God here. Seven almost 18 minutes. So old man ranting. I know this whole thing's going to be reduced like young people on any level. So you know what I'm talking about? Anything on any level. That's why I like that Leonard guy. Did you see the other night when that fucking guy, I don't even know what he did. He got a rebound, shook a guy off and then he dunks the ball and he hangs on the rim

and starts fucking, fucking the air. He's like pelvic pumping. I just can't imagine you're sitting there with your son. Daddy, what's he doing? He's miming fucking the other team in the ass son because he scored two points in the second quarter. What he's doing by miming fucking the other team in the ass is he's indicating that they are his bitch. I believe it's a prison thing or just a type A alpha male bravado thing. I don't know. All right. Hey, can we get out of here? Let's talk about some music. Shall we? As always, I've been butchering the fucking drums. Actually, you know, a long time ago, I picked up guitar and I started playing. I was getting like halfway decent and then I did one of many

repairs on my house and there was fucking too many repairmen were in the house every day and I suck so bad. I was too self-conscious to keep playing. I would play like really quietly, not through the amp, just all embarrassed, breathing in dust as they were working in the other room. It was just something. You had guys in your house fixing shit and I'm in the other room with the ukulele. It was just I just I couldn't get past how ridiculous I must look to them. So I just sort of stopped and then I kind of forgot everything that I knew and I went back to pick it up afterwards and I got frustrated. Well, I picked it back up again and I just started learning some Judas Priest riffs heading out to the highway

and I really forgot how fucking great that band was is whatever you want to say. But anyways, I finally figured out how to play. I'm starting to get my doubles. Remember that little Asian girl who absolutely crushed the fucking good times, bad times shit? I was just like, how the fuck did she get? I've been practicing like four times the amount of time she's been on earth and she and she got there before me. She's like eight years old. When did she start playing three, four? I mean, I mean, your feet got to be able to touch the pedals. It's unbelievable. So inspired by her. Here's a good song. If you're an old white dude like me, then you fucking try to get your doubles up to speed. Here's something positive. No

old man bitching. Michael Jackson's want to be starting something. Just play along to that until your foot falls off and play along to it every day. And then one day you'll just have the stamina to do that and then go back and try to play good times, bad times at about 80 BPM. And I think you'll be surprised. You'll still be like 13 away, but you'll be a lot closer. All right, let me read a little advertising here. All right. You know what? And when I got up to 80 BPM, I was by myself and I did a little celebratory dance. I think that's the equivalent to being, you know, down 10 to three in the second quarter and you catch a pass for first down and then fucking do a 10 second celebration dance. I think the

equivalent to that is me playing good times, bad times at 80 BPM still 13 BPM away. I'm still down by seven and I'm going to get up off the drum stool and do a little fucking moonwalk. Have I ever been more unlikable on a podcast? I know there's a bunch of old guys going like, yes, exactly. All right. When it comes to meat butcher box, everybody, when it comes to meat, quality meat, there's more, there's more to it than texture and taste. Not everyone has convenient access to high quality meat. Every month butcher box ships a curated selection of high quality meat right to my home. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat enough for 24 individual meals packed fresh and shipped frozen in vacuum

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turkey plus $20 off your first box. Just go to butcherbox.com slash bur or enter the promo code bur at checkout. That's butcherbox.com slash bur or enter promo code bur at checkout for a free turkey free turkey at $20 and $20 off your first box. This spot you had turkey for Thanksgiving. That's like somebody buying you a fucking Christmas tree for Christmas. All right, let's get to something positive here. Did anybody see Dolomite is my name starring Eddie Murphy? I cannot recommend that movie enough. It's one of Eddie's greatest performances. It's such a positive uplifting movie. And in the end, it's dedicated in the memory of Eddie's brother Charlie. And which was incredible to me because I was watching that movie. I remember I learned who Dolomite

was through Charlie Murphy when we were on the rich bitch Chappelle show tour that Don L. Rawlings put together way back in the day. And he made a reference to Dolomite and I said, who's that? And he goes, I remember Charles is man, you don't know who the fuck Dolomite is. And I was just like, no. And he goes, ah, he starts, you know, telling me all the stories about him's doing all the fucking five minute rhymes and all of this shit. I remember he was almost like upset with me. He goes, fuck you, Bill, you don't know about Dolomite and all that shit. So I read all of this stuff. I guess, you know, Charlie used to take Eddie to the go see those movies. And then I found a clip on YouTube after I listened to one of the clips from Eat Out More. I think it was his first

Dolomite's first comedy album. And there's a clip. It's like a six minute like bit where it rhymes. There's guys playing, you know, music in the background. And it's like six fucking, I don't know how many times you'd have to listen to it to memorize it. But like all these years later, Charlie was on some radio show and he just did it word for fucking word and he sounded just like him. And I don't know, it was such a cool like full circle thing to think, oh my God, that's what he was talking about. And that's why he's given me shit. This is how much this guy meant to him. And that, you know, and he was such a great storyteller and all of that. And I don't know, just watching that movie and seeing this guy that nobody wanted

to hire and he was, and he just fucking just did it all himself. Like we can't sell this record. It's too dirty. Yeah, fuck that guy. I'll do it myself. Just made him in his apartment, sold him out on the street. It's going to make a movie. Fuck you. We don't want your movie. He had to, he had to fucking put up all the money for his movie, all of that shit. It's what's amazing is that's the same way this business is today. You know, I had a buddy of mine, you know, going through the fucking ups and downs of this business. And I was just talking to him about that. I was just like, you know, it's one of those deals like we are not ever going to be the flavor of the month. No one's looking for a bald, redhead male and nobody's looking for you. So we're just going to

have to generate our own shit. And whatever business, if you listen to this, whatever business you're in, I'm sure it's the same way that is the best bet. The best bet in the world is that you're going to have to fucking do it. But I can't, I cannot tell you what a fucking great movie that was. And it was such a fucking positive, positive movie. And Eddie was absolutely hilarious. And I don't know, it was just, you know, he hasn't put out a movie in a little bit, right? Took a few years off or something like that. It was great to see him and something like this. I don't know why I wish he would do more stuff like this. It's fucking amazing. Incredible movie. Dolomite is my name. So there you go. I started off negative, right? Started off fucking negative

and I ended positive. And you know what's funny? I was actually when I was watching Dolomite and he talks all kinds of crazy shit. And I was watching the crowd like laughing about it. Then I was thinking like, is this an extension of this, the extension of that, all this extra celebrating impelvic pumping? Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I don't get it. I don't know. I don't know what it is, but like, I don't know. When you dunk a ball to make it fucking 38, 34, you're hanging on the rim and there's kids in the crowd. Like comedians get all this shit. This guy is literally fucking the air. He's already nine feet tall. So his dicks at everybody's eye level. Now he's fucking like now they're looking at his undercarriage. I don't fucking, I just don't get it. All right. I'm sorry.

Explain it to me. I'm old and I'm scared. I don't know what things mean anymore. There, I admit, took me a half an hour. I finally admitted it. Okay. I admitted that I'm a scared old man. Okay kid, young people, can you admit on some level that it is a little fucking just, you know, not about the team. It's kind of about you in that moment. Maybe just a little bit. I don't know. All right. That is the podcast. Jesus Christ. That was, I just want to let you guys know that was as uncomfortable for me as it probably was for you to listen to. I really hate being the fucking old guy coming down on the youngsters, but Jesus fucking Christ. You know, I like sports too. Can you dial it down just a little bit?

How about every other time you gain three yards, you do the moonwalk back to the huddle. Can we do that? He's just out there. He's having fun. Pass interference, roughing the passer. There's a hell of a fight breaking out that you're not going to see on the ice. Well, things are the way they used to be. All right. Please enjoy the music. Everybody. Oh, by the way, thank you everybody once again for coming out to the, for the live podcast recording, which is, I really wish I did the whole fucking celebrating and sports thing because then young people could have fucking been yelling at me. We could have a nice

debate. Maybe I'll do that next time because I had such a good time doing the live podcast that I feel like, I don't know, like I might want to be doing another one, maybe in a city that isn't Los Angeles. I don't know. I don't know. We'll have to figure something out. I'm thinking Vegas. I'm thinking if I do my show Saturday night in Vegas and then Sunday, maybe I do a podcast and then fucking Monday, I go to the, the, the, the fucking, uh, Vegas night's game. People, I'm not going to stop watching sports. I got, I, I don't, I got nothing else. That's all I got. Okay. I'm sorry. That's all I got. All right. Listen to the music. Enjoy your week, your cunts, and I'll check in on, yeah, you're not cunts. I'm, I'm a cunt today. All right.

Uh, I got no one to blame on myself. I'll take this loss. Um, enjoy the music and then we got to throw back 30 minutes of, uh, a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a few years ago last week. I don't know how it works. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 31st, 2011. Uh, I apologize. Podcasts up being so goddamn late. Um, I recorded one yesterday. This is really becoming a theme every week. I just apologize. These last couple of fucking weeks has just been brutal. I've been overseas. I've had those problems and, uh, this week I came back East, uh, doing the Jimmy Fallon show today. Actually get to sit down and do panel

like a big shot, fucking tackle him, you cunt. God damn it. You're going to give up a fucking field goal right here at the end. Why would you ever bet money on the fucking San Diego charges? Cause anybody tell me what, what, what the fuck is wrong with me? Jesus Christ. Can somebody out there who has some sort of a football mind just explain to me the prevent defense? Yeah, give him a 20 yard cushion. Yeah, there you go. Well, we, we don't want to give it all up. But what is wrong with this fucking? Oh God, this is going to be one of these fucking weeks. You know, I already recorded a podcast. Joe sent me the file. It was too goddamn big. He's out for the night with the lady. So now I have to record another one. You know, like, like I have any funny left.

And now for some reason, these stupid chords are acting up. This is one of the, I challenge you guys to find a podcast out there that has as many listeners as mine that is still this fucking pathetically low rent. You know, I feel like I'm in like that band that's just never going to make it like, you know, we're 20 years in. We're still riding in a van like the anvil story. It's just fucking brutal. All right, whatever. So you know what, you guys get two podcasts this week, because when I'll twinkle toes, the teen idol sensation from the open Anthony program gets back from his hot little date with a little tall drink of water that little number you met at the pictures. I'll also post that one. And hopefully that one will be of better quality than this one,

although I don't know we recorded it on his iPhone. So anyways, I'm sitting here in a hotel room by myself. And I've already taped Jimmy Fallon show. Obviously the fact that I brought it up, it went great. And I'm sure some of you cunts will watch it and tell me that you didn't think it was great. But you know what, I don't need you. I don't need anybody. Actually, I do. I need somebody right now. I'm thinking about calling a hooker, you know, not to banger, just to be one of those creepy guys who just has calls up a hooker just so she'll hang out and talk to him. You know, it's fucking ridiculous. I don't know anybody in this city anymore. I'm old. I go out to the comedy clubs. I don't know anybody, you know, all the club owners, they either died or fucking retired.

Well, they don't come in anymore. So I did the show. I had a great time. I'm on this high, everybody. Hey, take it easy. See you later. Then I walk out and then I come back to the hotel room by myself. You know, that's depressing. Well, yeah, it is. So what do I do? What do I do to combat the loneliness? You know, do I do something positive? No, what do I do? I fight, ordering a hooker to just talk to. And instead, I go outside and I get two mediocre slices of pizza and a pint of ice cream because I figured that'll make me feel better. I'll tell you, overrated New York City pizza. All right, and I'm going to tell you why. Not because it sucks. It's because everybody knows that it's awesome. So so many people jump on the coattails of that who

don't know how to make pizza. Like you can't walk more than a block and a half in New York without finding a place that sells some pizza, you know, and not all of it is good. Not all of this fucking good. Look at this fucking mad castle all of a sudden having a good game. Son of a bitch with the fuck that I bet the charges for the charges went tonight. All right, I'll go two and two this week and old Paul Versey. Paul Versey has already gone one and three. And I want you guys to send your condolences out there and tell them, you know, good luck for the rest of the season because he is having an absolutely fucking horrific year this year. And I'm not going to lie to you, I am enjoying, I'm enjoying it. You know, not because I disliked

the guy. He just talks a lot of shit. You know, who talks shit about gambling. It's so fucking arbitrary. You know, did I just use that word? Yeah, I did. Did I use it correctly? I don't know. Seem like, you know, there's so many words that I use that I've just heard them used enough times that I can kind of use them in a way that makes sense. Arbitrary. Does that mean it's random? It doesn't mean that, does it? Well, why don't you go look it up, you fucking bookworm? You know, I bet this stuff that I know that you don't know. So anyways, tonight I got to do the Jimmy Fallon Show. It was amazing. It was a milestone in my personal career in that I did not have to do stand up. I actually just got to go out and sit on the

couch, which is a panel. And it was fun, man. Jimmy's cool as hell. I know him from back in the day. And, uh, I don't know. Just shot the shit with them. And then I went off on gold digging whores. And then that was it. We got out of there. And it seemed like it went good because the band was laughing. That's always a good sign. That's at least that's how I gauge it. I gauge it on the band. If you can make the, ever since that time, I did, I did a cruise ship one time. And granted, I ended up getting fired because I started playing to the fucking band. But what was they supposed to do? Played all these old people out there, the goddamn booking agent. If you're listening, you lied to me. You called me up. You asked me to do a cruise ship. And I said,

you know, I don't really feel like I'm, uh, I don't think my ex is going to fly on a cruise ship. You know, isn't there a bunch of old people and they were like, no, no, this is one of the young cool, those cool, uh, you know, cruise ships. Cause you know, that's what all the kids are doing. I don't know if you guys are old like me and you don't wonder what the kids are doing. That's what they're doing. They're saving up their money so they can go on a cruise. That's what they're doing. So, you know, I show up to this fucking cruise. I've told this story before, right? Uh, first person I see on the boat is like this 107 year old Vietnamese lady and she's wearing that hat that they have on all those Vietnam movies when they're out in the rice paddies.

You know that thing? It looks like, uh, like a fucking, I don't know what you'd call it. Like a big bowl you'd have on the center of, uh, your table and you put fake fruit in it. Yeah. It's like a hat though. And it's flattened out more sort of like a trash can that, you know, kind of has like a hat vibe. Right. Or maybe like that thing underneath like a potted plant that catches the water, except it's not as heavy, you know, somewhere between that and newspaper. Is it made out of bamboo? I don't know what the fuck it's made out of, but she's wearing this shit and she's sound asleep with her mouth open and she's missing from her canines in on the uppers and lowers. All she has is her molars.

So immediately I'm like, well, you know, I guess if I was a profession, I'd be like, doesn't matter. I'm going to give my best show. I'm going to put my best foot forward. No, I immediately just said, well, fuck this, you know, the only way I'm not bombing is if this fucking ship sinks right now. So I went on stage, you know, followed this juggler who was killing, of course, you know, juggling, doing the whole fucking thing. And then this guy's smiley dude. I told you this story. This is how old the crowd was. He came out and he goes, if you're happy and you know, I clap your hands and they did it. Right. That's like he might as well just gone up there in the end going five foot two eyes of blue.

But what those five foot could do is anybody see my girl. And they all just jumped in. You run into a five foot two covered with pearls boom boom boom diamond rings and all those things you bet your life isn't her. But could she love could she woo coochie coochie coochie coo. Sorry, that was a song off my first album I ever got told my parents I wanted a record and did they go out and get me Zeppelin? Did they get me ACDC? No, they got me sing along with Mitch Miller and the gang. And you know what I did? I did until I realized it causes you to get the shit kicked out of you at recess. You know, you know what that's like coming out of the fucking cafeteria with bright orange hair going won't you come home, Bill Bailey won't you come home.

Come on, everybody roll out the barrel. We'll have a barrel of fun. I'm trying to say I was an outsider. So anyways, so I started playing to the fucking band because all these goddamn old people aren't laughing. So then I get defensive. You know, I was like, how many you guys, you guys see that movie Titanic? And they all just stared at me and I go, I mean, let me rephrase that how many people were on the Titanic, right? And they all grown but behind the curtain, the band started laughing. So I just said, fuck it, I'm playing to behind the curtain as I talk to these fucking this cocoon test audience that's out in front of me. So long story short, I ended up getting fucking, I didn't get fired, but I did not get asked back. And evidently, the captain wrote

some letter to the agent. I'm still pissed that I never got it. He said I was offensive to all races. He said I made fun of the hand handicapped because I made fun of midgets, you know, which I don't consider them handicapped. All right. If they're handicapped, then so is a fucking eight year old because they can both reach the same amount of shit. You know, you know, so if you're gonna use if you're gonna use that, then as an eight year old temporarily handicapped, he's handicapped, but he's gonna grow out of it. I don't look at I don't look at little people as being handicapped. They're just shorter than Danny DeVito. See, it was that kind of silly shit that, you know, all of a sudden I'm like the worst person

on the fucking planet, and I'm not okay to be on the carnival cruise line. You know, what a great name for a fucking cruise, right? It's already bad enough. It's a cruise. And then you have to add the other bad genre of entertainment, the carnival. And you put that in there. Look at Tim Tebow, having a rough game. Tim Tebow is the Danica Patrick of NFL quarterbacks. Oh, would that Jesus free kick the living shit out of me if you ever heard me say that he really is though. It's like the amount of fucking attention that that guy gets just because he's good looking, and he's into the bearded baby, right? Just can't get enough of him. Oh, if he could just fucking win a game, the amount of jerseys we could sell to those Jesus freaks, because you know what it is,

Jesus freaks, they like football too. You know, but you know, they don't they don't want to, they don't want to buy the jersey. If you're really into the J star there, you don't want to buy the jersey of some, you know, shit talking, you know, whore fucking gold chain wearing son of a bitch. You don't want that. You want they they want the clean cut, you know, they want they want someone who like, you know, anytime anything happens, he thanks, he thanks Jesus. That's that's who they want to buy the jersey of. All right. So considering most athletes are doing what you or I would do, which is you'd buy a flashy car, get some jewelry, and you go bang some whores. Why wouldn't you? Can you imagine that if you're a professional football players, you jacked, you have abs,

a zillion dollars and a Lamborghini. You're telling me you're not going to go out and fuck some whores. I mean, there's literally something wrong with you. If you don't, you're out of your fucking mind. And I tell you, if you don't, and you go out and you get married right out of the gate, you're going to take that out on your wife someday, because she's not going to appreciate the fact that you didn't bang those whores. You know, she's going to say some dumb shit like, well, you shouldn't have been, you should have just wanted to be with me. She's not going to get it. She's not going to fucking get it. And she shouldn't get it because she doesn't have a dick. So she doesn't understand what's going on. She doesn't understand the, you know,

it's like your dick is like calling in an airstrike, you know, every fucking two minutes, it's calling in the location or whatever pussies in the room, right? And what is with this radio shack fucking sound I got in the background? I don't, you know, I'm buying all new wires. That's it. It's going down all new wires next week. I'm redoing this like one of them chip fucking cars. Yeah, it's just called it's calling in a fucking airstrike. That fucking, what the hell am I talking about? Jesus Christ. You know, you know, the fucking debates I get into with Paul Versey about Matt Castle. Do you remember when Matt Castle filled in for Tom Brady, and he went 11 and five and everybody freaked the fuck out?

Acting like this guy was was a an A level fucking quarterback because nobody was smart enough to realize that he took over an 18 and one team and won seven less fucking games. Somehow they couldn't do that math and couldn't figure out that if he was, it just, I don't know, I don't want to get fucking started with that. Okay. Why is this fucking thing not sounding right? All right, you know what? Maybe the comedy will be that I'll sit here and flip out being annoyed by my own equipment, even though I've been listening to it gradually shitting the bed for the last couple of weeks. Whatever gives a fuck not making any money off this thing and I'll start caring when I make money. What do you guys think about that?

Just like you guys, huh? You guys walking around picking up litter for free? I don't think so. Hey, uh, let me, let me ask you guys opinion on this. Tony LaRusa just retired. Uh, at what point should you stop dyeing your hair? You know, I think it's all right right until you like you're like 50, but at some point it's everybody knows you're dyeing your hair. And then especially if you face like his face, the guy looks, you know, oh wait, he had like shingles or some shit. I don't make fun of people had diseases. I just thought he was old. Let's scratch all that. God bless him and his fucking, uh, Grecian formula. By the way, do they make Grecian formula for redheads? You know, and if they don't, we'll spike Lee, make a movie about that,

about how I'm getting bamboozled. Does anybody care about my plate? Exactly. Don't. That's why I don't care about yours. That's why I make fun of fat people. I make fun of the ladies. Yeah, I don't give a shit. I don't, I don't care about your plate. What do you think about that? Well, you shouldn't think anything. You know, I don't have any fucking power. All right, we're 15 minutes in. I think this is going good so far. Um, oh God, I feel like shit. Why did I eat those two fucking slices of pizza and an entire pint of fucking ice cream? You know, it's funny as I was done with the ice cream when I was halfway through the pint, but I'm in a room that doesn't have any sort of refrigerator. So I didn't want it to go bad. So I just chowed the rest

of it, you know, like that fucking tub of shit and seven weight, all those spaghettios. Remember that? That's what I was doing. If I was on the biggest loser and I was one of those trainers, I wouldn't train him. I just show him that scene. There's your future fatty. And there's the treadmill. You make the decision. I'm going to go over here and read the paper. Oh, it's so insensitive. God, it's not like you don't have problems. What about your problems? What if people reacted that way to your problems? Would you like it? So much of a sweet tooth I have. This lampshade looks like the shit they put inside one of those Boston fucking eclairs. Is it a Boston eclair? No, it was a Boston cream or a fucking eclair. It gives a shit.

Who gives a shit? This goddamn Jodorosa making me fucking work overtime. Let me tell you how selfish that son of a bitch is. It's unbelievable. Oh my god, I forgot to tell this story on Opie and Anthony today. I crashed at Jodorosa's apartment Sunday night, right? So I'm sleeping on the couch, you know, because I'm fucking down to earth. Sleeping on the couch in a thermal underneath my winter jacket, because that's how I do it. It's how I do it. I don't give a fuck. All right, so he goes and he sleeps in the bedroom, closes the door, and he turns on the air conditioning. I don't know why. I think it's because he's half Egyptian and he's used to being, you know, part of him is used to living on the

equator and it just, oh, that doesn't make any sense. It's cold this time of year. Strike all that. I don't know what the fuck his deal is. He's got the fucking air conditioner on, so it's cranked. So I wake up early to go do Opie and Anthony and evidently he didn't hear me get up and he forgot that I was staying there. So I just opened the door and he's got like this fucking and the ironing boards on the back of the door. So it all just sort of opened. It was loud. I opened it and he forgot I was there. He thought I was like an axe murderer and he completely freaked out and all he did was he just started kicking his legs underneath the underneath the sheets. That was the funniest part. His upper body didn't move. His lower legs were moving like he would,

you know, like when you do the back stroke, how your legs move like, like up and down, up and down, up and down. He was doing that underneath the sheets with this what the fuck look on his face. I got to tell you something. I have not laughed that hard at 7.15 in the morning since back in the day when I would work this comedy seller, I mean Bobby Kelly and Norton would stay up all night playing chess or whatever and I would be coming home like there's no fucking, I will never laugh that hard again without staying up all night long. It was almost like hurt my, like hurt my fucking insides to laugh that hard so soon after waking up. I mean, it was still dark out and just watching this fucking, I'll tell you something. If you ever want to kill somebody

and not have to worry about getting scratched by the victim and having your DNA under their fingernails, Joe de Rosa is the person you want to kill because evidently, when he's faced with fight or flight, his entire upper body shuts down and he kicks his legs like, I don't know what, like he was fucking, I laughed so fucking hard at him. And as I go in the background, all he did was he rolled over on his side and he gave me the finger and went back, he couldn't even defend himself. Oh Jesus. And there's my Joe de Rosa story. What are we 19 minutes in? Come on, for fuck's sakes. Why the fuck would I bet? There he goes. Is he going down the field again? Oh, Matt Castle looks great. He looks fucking great. I'm not saying the guy's not a bad quarterback,

okay? I'm not saying that the guy is not a good quarterback. I'm just saying, you know, what the fuck? You take over a team in the regular season that goes 16-0, all right? You're driving a Ferrari, just keep it on the road. And then he goes 11-5, he loses five more games, but none of the fantasy football playing jackasses can understand, you know, because you're counting down from 16, all they're looking at is 11-5 makes the playoffs usually, but we got fucked that year. But if you were counting down, that would be like if the Patriots went 11-5, then he would, they would have gone, you know, six and fucking nine. No, six and ten, right? Would you consider that a good fucking turnaround? That's right, Matt, run off the field.

I don't even, I don't dislike Matt. I just want Paul Vergy to be wrong. There you go, sack his fucking ass. Here come the chargers and fill up rivers. Goddamn char. All I need you to do is cover. I don't even give a fuck if you win or not. Um, oh shit, it's 13-3. All right, this isn't even a podcast anymore. You guys are literally sitting here listening to me watch a game that's probably over by now. Oh, nice, nice. Yeah, let it go over your fucking head, you dumb cunt. It's fucking idiot. The guy, the ball is going to land on a 25-yard line. You're supposed to catch that, right? Isn't that how it works, you football players? Past, past the 20, you let it roll into the end zone. This fucking guy,

let's, oh Jesus Christ. All right, whatever. You know what's great is Paul is doing so bad this year. The worst that could happen this week is I can tie him. And that's only because I missed two weeks of football because I was overseas. That's my excuse. Paul Vergy has no excuse. All right, let's get into the, let's get into the podcast questions here for the week. Bill, I was just listening to an old podcast from 2008, and you had just bought a set of training rings. I haven't heard you mention them in a while, so I'm just wondering, where are they now? And at what point did you give up on being able to do an iron cross? Go fuck yourself. Interestingly enough, you asked me what happened to me. Oh, this fucking sound in my

ear. This is what happened. I got in good shape. I really didn't have any place to hang those things, but what happened to me as far as like that sort of strength was I was at a Pirates game in 2008. I tried to show off that I could fucking bring my legs straight up and be in the pike position, and I did it without stretching. And I don't know what I did, but the next day it felt like Freddie Kruger had raked those knives down my fucking stomach. What is wrong with this podcast? Come on. See, that's what I do. Rather than buy new wires, I yell at the wires. Come on, cut it out. So that's what happened. Was I ever able to do an iron cross? No, I wasn't. And you know what? I hope that makes you feel better about your life, sir. I know it does. Did you fail the way I did

with whatever I said I was going to do? All right, Zinnatsis. We have no topics in Nazis. I was asking questions about from people over in Europe. I have not even read this. I'm going to read a paragraph somebody wrote about the Nazis. This is how much I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this fucking podcast you can barely hear. Zinnatsis. Hey Bill, first of all, love the podcast. I was just listening to what I believe is the latest podcast. And you were talking about, I swear to God, I'm gonna fucking piece of shit. Why didn't I just go out and buy new wires? I mean, how much would that fucking cost? Do I need a whole new mixer? Oh, this is just pathetic. You know, how many fucking shows? You know what? I'm just gonna plow ahead here. I was listening to the

podcast to what I believe is the latest podcast. And you were talking about these situations some countries were in, being that they were basically in a self-preservation situation. You said something along the lines of what is the right move in that situation. I thought I would just tell you about this documentary entitled The Eleventh Day. It's about when Hitler and the Germans attempted to invade the island of Crete in Greece. Basically, what happens is that the Greek army is already fighting against the Nazis in other countries. So the Nazis are coming to invade and there is no army there to defend the people. Well, what proceeds to happens is a bunch of peasants including like old men, women, children, civilians basically go down and greet the Nazis elite paratroopers and

proceed to begin to kill them with farming tools and such. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Basically, it's a documentary about the power of the human spirit and such as the Nazis most elite paratroopers proceed to get scalped. Oh, to get slapped around by a group of ragtag women and children with farming tools. Basically, these people stand up and say no. It doesn't matter. We will all be executed and tortured. We will fight this evil bastard until the absolute end. The Germans start executing entire villages of citizens by firing squad and all this crazy horrible shit, but it only increases the resistance by these amazing people. These people are the shit. These people are like, if this is all true, which why wouldn't it be? They're like the real life

action heroes that all these guys pretend to be. Once again, the name of this documentary is called the 11th day. If you just type that into Google, it's the first thing that comes up, I believe. I would highly recommend it to both you and anybody who's interested in World War II history and Hitler. I'm not doing it justice at all. It's one of the most amazing and emotional documents I've ever seen in my life. How come they haven't made a movie about this? This is like making me actually want to do some sit-ups, work off this ice cream. I'm like inspired. Some of the people, not to fight the banks, I just want to do something vain. I'm such a douche. Some of the people from back then are still alive and are interviewed, including some of the people

leading the small resistant groups that were hiding in the mountains and then coming down occasionally to ambush the Nazis or destroy their airfields and stuff. That's fucking awesome. Let me ask you this, but did they get the full brunt of the Nazi army? Not to take away any sort of credit? Didn't they bring most of that shit to Germany? I'm at Germany. To bring it to England? See Blitzkrieg, yeah? And then they had occupied France. They were fighting the fucking Russians. They went into Norway via fucking Sweden. They had some troops in Finland to fight off the Russians up there. Give me a fight. They were all over the fucking place, but still. I'm just saying. Good for them. Good for them.

I'm actually going to check that out. For those who have no attention span like me, it's called the 11th day. All right, let's get on to dilemmas this week. Dilemmas. Like my fucking wiring on the podcast this week. Dilemmas. Bill, if you had to make the decision tomorrow between becoming blind for the rest of your life or losing your penis for the rest of your life, which one would you choose? Oh, fuck you. I'm really at the breaking point with my dick. You know what I mean? I mean, I think my best years are behind me, but I still think I'm going to see a lot of cool shit. Oh, you fucking whore. Come blind for the rest. Never, never again. You know something. Fuck. You know, I think I'd have to choose.

Oh, you know, this is one of these things where early on, if you choose having your dick, you'll be psyched that you kept your dick, but then when you're 80 and you can't see your fucking where your geritol is and your dick has been lifeless for 15 years, it's going to seem stupid. So in the long run, having your eyes. Oh, you motherfucker. All right, let's quit joking around. I'm going to lose my penis. You don't even mean like it's not going to work. Can at least hang there, you know, and just not do anything like some rusted out car in the front yard of some douche's house, or to have to completely lose it. Well, losing your penis for the rest of your life, which one would you choose? I've got to go take out my eyes. I got to go blind, because then

you're also talking about urinary tract infections and all that shit. It's going to be a fucking nightmare. Okay. You know, I could still hear shit. I could still do stand up. I know a rough time with hecklers. You know, who said that? I know you're over in this general area. I bet you have a stupid shirt on. Yeah. I would choose my dick. I'd have to choose my dick. All right, would you rather have sex with a man who used to be a woman or a woman who used to be a man? Oh, why are you guys going to have these creepy ones? Would you rather have sex with a man who used to be a woman? I imagine it looked like, what, jazz bono? There's no fucking way I could do that. Or a woman who used to be a woman who used to be a man. Doubt or doubt, it's all the

visual thing, because that's at least going to look like a woman. You know? Oh, God, go fuck yourselves, man. Why is everything going to be about the dick? Dude, this is fucking hilarious. This is so written in by guys. Like, I don't know what women would write. Like, would you rather find true love or just have this cream that makes your face look young for the rest of your life? Yeah, I'm belittling women right now. Why don't you guys write in a little more? All right, but maybe because you're a misogynistic cunt, Bill, you ever think of that? Nice point. Nice point by the ladies. All right, number three. Bill, what would you rather do? Watch your only child die of cancer or find a cure by sucking a dick?

Um, well, I don't have any kids, so I don't know what that love is like, but I've heard it's just whatever you do it. Uh, it's only one dick. Damn, fucking, I'd blow somebody. Where would I go mentally for that one? Jesus Christ. Uh, yeah, my kid has to live. I'm gonna sit there and have that hole in my heart for the rest of my life. You know? Ugh. That's the, you know what the dilemma is? Would you rather have that hole in your heart or that taste in your mouth? Oh my God. Yeah, I'd go with the dick and then just get a fucking lifetime subscription to Altoids. All right. Um, dilemma. Broccoli shirt or pineapple pants? I'd have to go with the broccoli shirt. I'd be worried that my dick would go through the pineapple hole and I'd get arrested. Um,

or worse, maybe bees would land on my nuts. That was an easy one. Uh, number five, Bill, would you rather give up blowjobs forever, me personally or get, I'm assuming you mean getting them or give up cheese forever? You can't have anything that has cheese in it. Oh yeah, fuck cheese. Yeah, dude, that's easy. Fuck that one. I like that. Every once in a while there's a nice, nice fucking softball. That was an easy one. Uh, if you had to get blown by, oh Jesus, which one? Chas Bono or RuPaul? Yeah, Jesus. See below my brains out. I'd go Chas Bono.

I'd go Chas Bono for the simple fact that Chas would be just as disgusted as I was. The entertainment, the entertainment of that would be, would all would be worth it. You know, RuPaul would just come in and be a douche and have this fucking attitude and be walking around like I actually found him sexy and that would just annoy the fucking shit out of me. But the fact that I could bond with Chas Bono, that the fact that neither one of us wanted to do it, but there was no way we had, we could get out of the, out of the room. You know? Oh my God. Jesus, we'd both need therapy after that. You know? Wow. All right, Jesus. Are they gonna get easier? All right, number seven. Bill, would you rather go a year without

being able to wash your hands or go a year without brushing your teeth? Oh, without washing my hands. Without a fucking doubt. Without a doubt. Yeah, no. You can't let your fucking teeth go. You're out of your mind. You let your teeth go, then you don't chew your food right, then it goes down to your stomach and big clumps, then you have stomach problems, which leads to intestinal problems, which leads to problem in your-ish. It's all connected. It's all connected. It's just your fucking hands. You know? What am I gonna do? I'd go a year without, you know, and I wouldn't help anybody with anything. Can you give me a hand with this? No. No, not until fucking October 31st to 2012. Go fuck yourself. Would you rather have a mouth that opened and closed vertically

instead of horizontally? Or that doesn't make sense. Your mouth opens and closes vertically. You mean my lips? Would I rather have my lips vertically and it opens and closes like elevator doors? I believe that's what you mean. Or an ass that went horizontally instead of vertically? Oh, I'd definitely take a weird looking ass. You know? I figure if you see that, you're already like me. You know? You can accept me for who I am at that point. If you're looking at my fucking vertical ass, dude, it's not vertically. An ass that went horizontally instead of vertically. Oh, horizontally. Yeah, you're right. I'd take that. Yeah. Who's gonna notice? Dude, you could go to the gym. Oh, you mean an ass crack? You mean like the fucking asshole? Oh, Jesus. I just make sure I

always had the gym towel around me. Back my way into the little fucking shower. I don't know what to fuck. Yeah, I would definitely take the weird ass as long as I could still run properly. Other than that, yeah, the mouth, I'm fucked. I wouldn't even have a chance. And if your face would be that fucking, you don't even have a chance. I don't even give a shit. Even chicks who are into scars, that's not gonna fly. All right, advice. Hey, Bill, I need your help on this. My wife and I have been married for 18 months. About six months before we got married, Oliver Fun went out the window. We used to do dinner, drinks, fool around, and you know, all the normal stuff. But now it's pulling teeth together to stop complaining and

have an ounce of fun. She claims it's because of her birth control, giving her mood swings. So four months ago, she got off it and no changes. Uh-oh. Because I was gonna say that could happen because that stuff, you know, affects women. I obviously don't know how, but okay, so she gets off it for four months and no changes. How do I tell her she might just be a bitch and need to knock the country shit off? You have to say that without calling her. Don't ever, don't ever go the name calling route. First of all, it's disrespectful. And then also it just kills any sort of credibility that you have. You know what I mean? That never, ever, ever do the name calling thing in a relationship. You know, if you're, if you're, you know, yelling at some other driver on the road,

that's when you break out your fucking asshole, your fucking cunt. But you never say that to the person you're with. It's disrespectful. And it also kills any sort of credibility you have. And what you have to do is come at her not angry at all. And you have to just speak from the heart that, you know, it's been four months. I haven't seen a change. I don't know if you have some sort of problem with me, but I, you're, I'm becoming miserable in this relationship. It gets affecting my happiness the way you're acting is affecting my happiness. Okay. And that shouldn't be what can we do to fix it. You have to come eat like there's no way that she can get and see what you want to do when you have to convey something as heavy as this, you can't do it with anger. You can't do it with

name calling because your message gets lost. And then there's just going to be a bunch of name calling back at you. And it's just, but if you just calmly say it, that listen, I'm not happy with the way you're behaving. And, uh, oh, you fuckers, interception. Nice. Get on the ground. Get on the ground. There you go. There you go. Nice. All right. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, that's what you just got to tell us. Listen, you know, uh, you told me that it was, it was the birth control. I believed you. So you got off the birth control. It's four months later and I haven't seen a change and I am, I am really not happy. I feel like you don't like me. I feel like, you know, I mean, I'm projecting now. I don't know

if this is what's going on, but like, you know, we have to do something to fix this because I don't want to be with somebody who's miserable all the time. You know, what's your problem? You fucking cunt. No, you can't say that. You just have to think it. You just got to think it. All right. Underrated, overrated, uh, underrated. Uh, all right. Wow. I just discovered parsnips. They're like honey flavored carrots. You know, I've had parsnips before and I still don't even know what the fuck they are. Um, how the fuck have I never heard had these delightful things before the recipes online all seem to be too, all seem too, too involved. So I just heated them. By the way, too involved is TOO. Anytime you're saying something's too much,

too many, any of that, that's TOO. Uh, the receipts, the recipes, the recipes, I correct him. I read his receipts. The recipes online all seem too involved. So I just heated them with the small amount of butter and they were tremendous parsnips. Everybody underrated. Um, another underrated, mature porn. Oh, Jesus. My dad has gone through three wives. They kept getting younger until the last one decided to leave him looking at him and worrying that I might take the same route. I decided to reprogram and only jerk off to mature porn. Now I get down with my wife. I'm boning. Well, now when I get down with my wife, I'm boning. I feel like I'm boning the hottest chick I know. My friends laugh, but it works. Wow. You know what's crazy about that

as fucked up as that is? Like the math works on that. Like I would think if you're sitting around jerking off to old ladies that all of a sudden if your wife came in, she's in her 30s, 40s. I mean, she's going to look beautiful. 50. She looked great. Mature porn. Jesus. Um, overrated, getting wood when your mother-in-law is taking the turkey out of the oven. All right, we're going to leave it at that. I don't know what the fuck happened there. Well, because she fucking bent over. Wow. YouTube, greatest scene ever committed to film. I didn't even get to watch this. I would love to see it, but it's all going to be on the mmpodcast.com. And what the fuck, Philip? Come on. Come on, guys. Put the goddamn fucking ball in the end zone. I need seven here, people. I need seven. It's

getting late in the game. Oh, that's nice. There's a nice fucking hold. Why don't you complain? You know, do that. See, that guy's too down to earth. Now it's fourth and sixth. So now they got to go in there and kick it. How does that fucking help me? Look at Ralph Bernerska comes out. It's guys like fucking 95 now. And he's back with the Kansas City. They've actually blocked two kicks this year. And there we go. And boom. And he hits it. All right. 13 to nine. Yeah, keep shaking your head, Philip. That doesn't fucking help me. You got to yell at the refs. All right. I think that's the podcast for this week, right? It's only 42 minutes. What the fuck am I talking about? I can't do that to you guys. Holy shit. 42 minutes. And I have already

blown through all the goddamn material here. Now what am I going to talk about? Huh? I don't know. But I better think of fucking 17 minutes worth of shit here. Goddamn that Jodorosa. He completely fucked me over. I think he did it on purpose. He's really good with the technology. You know what I mean? He's as good with the technology as he is with the ladies. By the way, is anybody out there bought his CD? The Return of the Son of the Depression auction? Evidently, it's some sort of clever reference to Frank Zappa, which is classic Joe, you know? Like if that was anybody else, and they did something that was that inside, I would give him shit. But what you got to understand is being a teen idol sensation,

the only way you get to that level is you're a child star at some point in your life, and your reality just gets warped. And that's what happened to Joe. You know, he was left on a doorstep outside of Philadelphia, to this unbelievably poverty-stricken family. They brought him in. You know, he used to feed him breast milk through a turkey baster, anally, and that affected him. You know, it made him want to achieve in life. You know, it wasn't like the other kids who had a place to sleep. Joe didn't have a place to sleep. Joe, actually, they used to make him sleep on uneven boxes out in the garage right near the tractor.

You know, he used to go to school, and he had like grass clippings in his hair, and people teased him. It was a terrible upbringing. And that's when he had a dream, and he used to rehearse inside the garage. And next thing you know, he got his first break when he was like six years old. He booked a guest star on Benson. And after that, there was just something about him. He got the bug, and he became this teen house sensation. And, you know, got that taste of fame, developed a coke problem by the time he was eight, and now he's the fucked up adult that you see. And because of that, he does things like I ask him to send me a fucking podcast, and rather than sending it in a form that I can actually upload,

he'll blame me. He'll blame me the same way he did his first 26 managers and agents that he's had in this business. I'm all fully, fully prepared for it, you know. Romeo Cromel is on the fucking Kansas City chiefs. Jesus Christ, they got all the old patriots there. Stick up! There you go. First and 10. Yeah, now it's fucking second and 14. How do you like that? What happened to the Chargers this year? You know, I was talking to somebody about this shit. I was talking about, you know, fighting my older brother when I was younger. And now, you know, it got to the point. At one point, we were basically, he used to kick my ass my whole fucking life. And at one point, we were kind of the same size, right? So technically,

I could beat him, but I just couldn't like, I would have the fights won, but I didn't know what to do. I was, and I just basically, sack him! Nice! Nice! Now they're coming on. There you go. I was basically, as far as fighting went, I was like the San Diego Chargers of fighting. You know, I would, I would have it won with two minutes to go. And somehow, I would fuck it up. And I'm not being a dick to Charger fans. And you have a right to get mad at me because it's your team. So only fellow San Diego Charger fans. I get it. Can trash a team. It's annoying when somebody like myself does it. But you know, I'm right. I don't know what the fuck this team suffers from. They suffer from, oh my god, we're actually

going to win it. I just tackle that cunt. Tackle him. Thank you. Thank you. All right. 430 left in the fucking third quarter. That's a nice three and out. There you go, Maddie. You know, Maddie, ice down in Atlanta. Matt Castle in Kansas City. He's Maddie, room temperature. Oh, that was a bad one. Oh, that was a shit joke. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't. I got 13 more minutes to go. I got 13 more minutes to go and I got nothing. You know what? I actually, that's not true. I don't have nothing. I have a three night whirlwind tour of the Midwest. And I'll tell you, nothing will make you come down off the high of traveling through the beauty of Scandinavia, like going to Cleveland, Ohio, Madison, Wisconsin, and then St. Louis, Missouri.

Now, I know there's a lot of people. Actually, there's not a lot of people that live in Cleveland. You know, what's that zombie show on AMC? What the fuck is the name of that show? You know, for some reason they shoot it in Atlanta. And I know there was some sort of big dispute about how much it costs for each episode. If anybody connected with that show is listening, you could cut your costs tremendously if you just filmed on location in either Cleveland or Detroit. Okay. First of all, all your night scenes, you wouldn't have to hire any extras. Just have the people that come out late at night. All right. And I'm not talking about the eight mile rap and movie. I'm talking about the shit I saw. Dude, I'm having a long time driving through that

city. I don't know what I did. I was trying to go to a fucking Red Wings game. It was at night. It was in the winter. I went down the wrong street. I think, no, I remember I was coming back from going to a Red Wings game and I got off the wrong place. And I was trying to get on the highway. I went down to side street and there was a fucking tree had landed like across the street. Like you could barely get up. You could just sort of drive around it. And this thing had been dead for months. Like that's how fucked up that city is. So anyways, but I'm not going there. I'm going to Cleveland. I was there in April, by the way. Everybody keeps sending me emails. When you come into Detroit, I was there. Royal Oak. I'm going to be at Cleveland

Thursday night. Madison, Wisconsin on Friday night. And then the pageant theater in St. Louis. And with that, how about a round of applause for the fucking St. Louis? Candles. They want another one. Yankee fans. They're closing in on you. They got 11. You know what's so funny? This is how fucking cunty New York is. When they couldn't, they could not give it up. They just can't give it up to anybody in this city. They're such fucking cunts. St. Louis, you know, wins the World Series. It's their 11th championship. They have the most championships in the National League. It's their 11th one. And what they write in the paper is the Yankees won their 11th dot, dot, dot in 1947.

You know, I've never, you know, even Boston with their fucking Lakers Celtic shit. We never said, you know, oh, you won your 16th. We did that in 1986. It's really, really fucking gay. But anyways, they won it. I'm psyched. They actually won it because now everybody's going to be happy when I go down there. So, you know, I was actually thinking about this. St. Louis, they actually go, you fucking bastard. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go down to the 35. Nice. Oh, you know how much this is driving Paul Versey up the fucking wall? If he goes one and three and I go two and two, you know, I'm not a shit talker either. Because I know that there's no, there's really no skill involved in gambling. There really isn't.

All you idiots who sit there looking at, you know, who's hurt, who isn't, how this guy does on turf, and this guy does it. There isn't. It's bullshit. The best you're ever going to do is win about 40% of the fucking time. So, I'm hope, basically, I'm sitting here hoping to get lucky again this week, just to go two and two. By the way, this class is officially over. You guys are free to go. I'm going to be uploading tomorrow if Joe DeRosa, the Corey Feldman of the, the Open Anthony program, if he can actually just send me the fucking podcast that we did. And I will upload it. So, technically, I guess I can end this thing. Is it really, should I really just keep going with this shit? What the fuck can I talk about? Oh,

whoa, whoa, whoa, you're asking who was the other guest? I already know what's going to go on. Heidi Klum was the other guest on Jimmy Fallon. So, everybody's been, what'd you do? Did you talk to her? Did you fucking hook up with her? No and no. I did see her. She was absolutely just like ridiculously good looking. Like her legs alone were just like, just stared at him, but not in like a, a leering way. Like just like, just they were like from another planet. It was almost like, like if, I don't know what, like if an alien landed on this planet and handed you a fucking gadget you'd never seen before. It was just, it was, they were fucking unbelievable. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, I'm ugly. That's all I was really thinking when I

was looking at her. This girl was fucking, I don't know anything about her. She's like, she's like the kind of person that gets married to like one of those guys who like owns his own island and has like a hot air balloon. You know that guy with the windburn face? The guy that Donald Trump tries to be, you know, what the fuck is that guy's name? You know Donald Trump hates that guy, right? He's got a full head of hair. You know, he actually owns an island. He doesn't go bankrupt every fucking, you know, time he opens a fucking casino. Like if they had like a billionaire comedy show, like Donald Trump would be opening for that guy. The guy owned Virgin Airlines. Oh wait, but he also owned Virgin Records Store. I bet Donald Trump was psyched when that thing

went out of business. What the fuck am I talking about? I got nothing left. For fuck's sakes, will you put in the goddamn fucking end zone? Please be passing interference. Please be passed. There you go, Phillip. Fucking complain a little bit. Works for Tom Brady. Get in their faces. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know what I should do? I should just end this fucking podcast and just go walk like 20 blocks and try to do something for the goddamn damage I did my gut. Why would I do that to myself? You know what's the worst? Who is the fucking asshole didn't even heat up the fucking slices properly? The cheese one was okay. The other one, you just, you just fucked it up. What's wrong with me? I don't know what to do. You know what? I'm just gonna keep doing

this podcast because you know what the fucked up thing is? Is most of you have shit. You go for another fucking field goal. Oh wait, this would be 13 to 12. I'll take this. Come on, Rolf. There you go. 13 to 12. 13 to 12. I love it. I don't love it. I wanted a touch down there. Anyways, I'm just gonna keep talking. I'm gonna keep talking until I go for a fucking hour. All right. I got another six minutes. No, no, no, no, no. Excuse me. Another seven minutes to go. I just want you to know right now how pathetic your fucking life is if you actually sit here and listen to the rest of this. And if you sent me an email so you knew what I actually shut it off, no you didn't. The fact that you still took the time to email me and tell me

that you fucking listened to the rest of this shit. Oh you know dude, there's no fucking, what is the point of this exercise? I can't go for it. You know, I got no funny left. I already did a podcast with DeRosa. I did the Fallon show and now I did 50 fucking minutes, okay? I've had enough. I'm not answering the bell. I'm going out like a fucking bitch. Hot and delicious pizza made just for you. I'm reading the pizza box at this point. That's it. You know the worst part about traveling to this amount of fucking cities is there's not enough time to do your laundry. So your outside pocket on your fucking luggage just keeps getting more and more fucking filled up with dirty stinking underwears.

And with that visual, oh god, you know, I'm just hanging on right now. My corner man won't throw in the fucking towel. I just keep thinking that something else funny is going to come to me. And I'm just, I'm tapped out. I got nothing. You guys are still listening. What is your fucking morbid curiosity with this? What do you enjoy listening to me bombing my own podcast? How about give me a little credit for not hitting the fucking pause button right now and maybe looking at a couple of stories or two. Tackle that fuck. There you go. There you go. All right. That's it. I've had enough. You know what? I'm just going to declare victory and go home just like we did in Vietnam. That's it. Our work is done here. Can I stick it out for another

three minutes? I don't know that I can. What else do I got? I got Carnegie Hall coming up November 11th, July of 2014. I'm looking at playing an Air Force base in Mishawaka, Wisconsin. Oh, I know what I'll make fun of. You know what? I have the sound down right now. No wonder I don't have any fucking material. I just saw John Gruden and Ron Jaworski. Love both those guys. Totally respect their football minds. They know way more about sports than I do. But Jesus Christ, is it me or do they blow everybody every week? I'll tell you right now, if, if, if you're into cornerbacks, you know, if you don't like this guy, you don't like cornerbacks. This guy is one of the best. I think this is the greatest performance by a cornerback we have ever seen. Would you say so,

Jaws? Absolutely. I'll tell you, if I was still under center, that's the kind of guy that would keep me up at nights trying to think of a way that I was going to get that ball in there. Thank God, I had Wilbur Montgomery to hand it off to. Then they do the next fucking play. Did you see that? I'll tell you at home, that might have looked like a two yard gain off tackle, but I'll tell you, that's some of the toughest six feet of real estate you're ever going to see. That might have been the greatest off tackle run I have ever seen in my life. That's last year. Do you guys remember when I went off on that? When they were flipping out about Michael Vick, when he was kicking the shit out of the hapless fucking Washington Redskins. Oh, by the way, how'd you guys like that down in

Dallas? How did you like your fucking butt cheeks are still green from that eagle slamming into you as it was fucking Tony Romo and I gotta be careful. Security's going to come. What a brutal beatdown. My Patriots got beaten. Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers. I was in the air for most of that game. When I finally landed, I got to watch the last little bit of it and everybody just said our secondary looked like shit, which they have kind of all year, but I have to admit some days, sometimes it's just not your night. And when I was watching the Patriots, when they threw a pass and it was a touchdown and the refs missed it, and so it took them another three plays before they scored. Not monumental, but it still killed like 40, 30, 40 critical fucking

seconds. And then we go to do an onside kick and we can't even execute that like twice. Sometimes it's just not your night. Apollo Malo slapped the ball forward. Great fucking play, not legal, but great fucking play and the refs don't catch it somehow. Just sometimes it's not your night. And I gotta tell you, I don't know what's going on with the Pittsburgh Steeler, New England Patriot rivalry, but I think it's more than fucked up that last three years in a row we've played those cunts and it's always in Pittsburgh. Was that basically the deal? You were going to keep it in Pittsburgh until they finally beat us. We're still six and two against you during the Brady era, but I know that must have felt great to beat us. You fucking bastards.

Why don't you guys grow a dick down there in Stealtown, you know, which it's not even Stealtown anymore. You bunch of pansies. I've been there. What are you guys y'all down there in your fucking cubicles looking at spreadsheets? That's what you're doing. All the real tough guys who built those bridges, they're gone. They're gone. Not because they died. They're disgusted with you updating your fucking goddamn Facebook status and playing fantasy football. You're a disgrace. You know, drinking their beers in a hipster way. Paps, blue ribbon. They used to drink that shit because that's all they could afford. You know, they weren't drinking that in an ironic way. Huh? What was the last time anybody under the age of fucking 39 in Pittsburgh had the balls

to get up on a goddamn bridge and replace a couple of rivets? Huh? What was the last time? What was the last time you pushed away from that fucking desk they bought at Staples? You know, you undid your tie. You rolled up the cuffs on your fucking dockers. You went out there and did a man's job. What was the last time? I want to know. You know, that's why Sidney Crosby is always flopping around on the ice bitching all the time. He learned that from you guys. The under 39. The under 39 years of age in Pittsburgh are an absolute fucking disgrace. Those older guys are the shit. The guys who put up those bridges. Those guys whose reputation you're riding the fucking coattails on. All you guys walking around

like you built a battleship. You didn't do that shit. That's what they did in Pittsburgh. They built battleships. That's how badass they were. They didn't do it out in the ocean like those pussies on the east coast and down in San Diego. They built them right on the Allegheny. You know, from day one the fucking thing was touching the bottom of the river. You know what they did? They fucking tied it to Mike Webster and he walked right down the fucking river until he came out to the Baltimore Bay. That's a true story. That's what people in Pittsburgh used to do. That's what they used to do. Not now in their fucking luxury boxes. You know, you knew ice-capade castle where the fucking penguins are playing at.

What's wrong with you, Pittsburgh? Huh? In your gay little baseball park where you can see the bridges and it looks like the end of a Disney movie. What happened to you guys? People used to go to Pittsburgh and they were afraid. You know? What do you guys do now, huh? Drink Pete's Wicked Ale? What happened to you? You know, it's funny. Somebody from Pittsburgh actually listened to this and got angry, which makes me feel good because you beat my teen this week. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Ah, we're in two minutes. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'm actually going to have another one up when Joe DeRosa, you know, stops going through his choreography. He hits the pipe every once in a while. That's one thing about Joe. I've never seen a guy write

more material after free-basing than he has. It's phenomenal the way he's able to function with the coke problem that he has. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. This is part one. This is part one. It's like Lord of the Rings, except there's only two parts and I never even had any intention of getting paid, unlike the director of that other one that got completely fucked. Still 13 to 12. 12.56 left to go. Oh, God, they'll end it. All right, see you. So far. Oh. Time flies.

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