Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-4-18

Episode Date: October 5, 2018

Bill rambles about returning to Boston, sober October, and getting bored.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How is your week going? What are you paying attention to in the news that's causing you to yell at people you don't know online, huh? What's going on? Did you hear about this?

Somebody did this and then someone said that and the results may surprise you. All fucking day. You know, I walked through the goddamn airport and I'm just looking at all these fucking people looking on their phones and you know what I see? I see me. That's what I see. I'm like, I'm doing that. I'm just sitting there staring at my fucking phone, looking at somebody, flipping a fucking

water bottle, somebody fucking dunking a basketball and everybody running away like the world just and did somebody fucking playing the drums. What am I doing? You know, I'd sit there and read a book, you know, so I look smart but no one would even notice. They're all fucking staring at their phones. So what is the point of reading in public if other people can't even see you doing it? Because that's why you're doing it, right?

Nobody reads in public. You know, kind of a fuck. Give me some fucking asshole walking down the street with a book. You know, you're just across the street like, we get it, you're smart. Maybe you do read in public. Maybe that's what you're supposed to do. You read in public so you get credit for it. So everybody, it's like that time back on the Seinfeld episode where Jason Alexander

wanted to get credit for tipping. They didn't see him so he reached back in to do it, then they thought he was stealing. I think it's like the literary version of that. Or maybe it isn't. Or maybe it is. Anyways, I have something to promote here. All Things Comedy Network. I need you guys to get behind this, you know, if you feel like it.

No pressure here, all right? Ted Alexander has a new special out that you can actually stream it right now at atcspecials.com. It's called Senior Class of Earth. And Ted is just one of those guys, man, I swear to God, he's just one of those comics that every comic loves. But you know, you know, this business is for a while, they like this person, then they want this person, and he just was never that person, which I can relate to. This industry was never looking for a bald, red-headed male, you know?

So I had a car about my own path. You like how I'm making his special about me and my struggles? You know why that is? Because I'm on social media all the time, and it's fucking frying my brain. If you guys could go on and check out his special, it would be great. You'd see a great, there's actually this fucking killer clip of one of his jokes where he compares the fact that he's in his late 40s and his girlfriends in her early 30s and was saying that he was comparing his sex drive versus hers, which is in the prime to when Shaq

played on the Celtics, where it was still Shaq, but it didn't look like Shaq anymore. It took him like half the game to warm up all of that stuff. It's such a fucking killer joke. And when you watch it, what I love about Ted is there's no wasted words. And even like even like the physicality of his jokes propels you towards the punchline. He's an absolute master. So please check that out. And with that.

Did anybody watch the Monday Night Football game? The Kansas City Chiefs against the fucking Denver Broncos. And Jesus Christ, I thought that announcer was going to fucking faint. I have never heard an announcer so goddamn excited about a regular season game. But that my homes, he's like, show time, my homes. Captain, come back fucking something else. My home did anything that he did like when he was rolling. I'm not saying the guy's in good.

He's not going to be a fucking star. One of the guys said, you know, he came into the game as a legend. He's been playing for a month, right? Everybody flipping the fuck out. I know why it's a goddamn business, right? You know, Brady's fucking older than dirt. This other fucking guy is like, you know, Drew Brees. It's like a year or two younger than Brady.

Yeah, Peyton Manning fucking retired. I'm so old, I can't even get through these fucking names without you on a Peyton Manning fucking retired. They need new people. All right. How many yards are these new people going to throw for when you can't even like start to hug them and then stop and do them, you know, you know, the me too thing. Now we go to hug a friend of yours and you start thinking, oh, you get all fucking

nervous, you know, like that's the way defensive linemen grab quarterbacks now. And they still get a flag. So anyways, the guy fucking rolls out. He's a right handed quarterback. He rolls out to his left. This guy's breathing down his neck. He dives at his ankles. And right before my homes goes down, he switched the ball to his left hand

and threw it like four yards. And this guy caught it, which I saw Brett Favre do that. I've seen Eli's seen people do that before. And this guy's like, I hope you realize what you just saw here. I think the NFL game up here, say, listen, man, you got to hype this fucking kid up. Okay, you have to hype this fucking kid up. And as always, you know, I'm the fucking Grinch of sports. Don't ever listen to me.

I'm always telling everybody to fucking relax and not be excited. I'm always taking all the fun out of it. But Kansas City, as of right now, has the worst defense in all the football and everybody's freaking the fuck out. I mean, they should be freaking out because my homes is looking like the real deal, but it's just like, you're not, you know, if you don't fix that problem, you're not going to do shit in January. So I don't know what all this screaming and yelling is about.

I hope you guys realize what I just said here on this podcast. People go, that was like one of the greatest Monday night football games of all. It's like, was it seem like what happens every time I sit down to watch a game? Somebody's up by 10 and then goes into a fucking, I don't know what. And then they lose the game when I was a kid, like that didn't happen. Like it happens all the fucking time. One of the greatest Monday night football games of all time. It reminded me of three regular season games I saw the day before.

You know, if that was, what about the fucking Bengals Falcons? Like that wasn't, I guess, because it didn't happen on Monday. I don't know. Why am I such a jerk? I have no idea. Anyways, well, you know, who knows, I'm going to be taking a, it's Wednesday right now and I am taking a red-eye flight out to Springfield, Massachusetts to do shows in Springfield, in Boston and then down in Connecticut. And Paul Verzi is going to be on me with all, on all the shows.

And then I'm also working with some Boston guys that I started out with. I'm working with Frank Sanarelli in Springfield, Tony V at Boston Garden and then Dan Smith down in Connecticut. So it's going to be, it's going to be a lot of fun. And I want to thank everybody that's bought the tickets and old Freckles is going to try to go out there and not put on 40 pounds because of, you know, I'm going to go back there. It's going to be all the old haunts, you know, you go back east, they got the

fucking incident. They got the fucking insane Chinese food, the pizza, all of that stuff. So I got to like ice cream joints that I used to, all this shit that I'm, this is what happens whenever I go back to Boston is I, I, I, because I left in 95, I, I go back to, you know, I started acting like I'm 22 years old the way I'm eating, which somehow back in the day, you know, you'd go out and drink a 12 pack and then hit McDonald's at the end of the night and go home. And the next morning just wake up and go unload trucks.

Stomach was flat, you know, you just shook it off back then. You know, it's like doing your first burnout in a brand new car. Like the car, you know, probably wished you didn't do it. Probably not happy you did it, but it can shake it off. It still looks new, you know, now I try to do that shit. There's like fucking parts left in the road. Um, anyways, so it's so, and I wasn't going to do it, but now I'm going to do it. I will fucking do it.

You know, I'm a binge drinker. I got to stop with this shit. You know, I'll do it. So now I'm on the wagon. I lumped deeper, deeper, deeper, you know, it's funny. There's like two different ways of saying you're on the wagon. There's like, um, you know, like, uh, you're on the party wagon or you're, you're, you're, the way I say it, if I'm on the wagon, that always meant like

you're not on, you're not partying. He fell off the wagon meant you started partying again, but then other people call the wagon the party wagon. So I don't know. It's just one of those things, you know, it's kind of like that word cock. With white people that meant dick and with black, older black people, I should say it meant pussy. You know, just a complete inverse.

I mean, that's sort of an extreme example, but I remember saying that in the writer's room and in efforts for family and they were like, that's not true, is it? And then they ended up having this fucking Snoop Dogg song from the early nineties, where you're first to a woman's pussy is, is cock. That's so fucking weird. Oh, people, people have different ways of saying things, don't they? That was sort of my Mr.

Rogers moment of the podcast. I know there's a bunch of people right now. Fucking Google in that. Go ahead and Google it. Go ahead and go, you know, I'll fucking Google it. I'll read, I'll read it to you right now. This could be some, maybe this could be something interesting. By the way, have you guys been following anybody?

Like I told you, have you followed, been following anybody sarcastically on Twitter, watching them make all of these news events about themselves, you know, telling you how difficult it is to be beautiful. You know, all right, let me see here. Cock, oh, Jesus Christ, what fucking, this is going to be on my search engine. All right, cockadoodle, cockroach, cock sparer, cockroaches, cockapoo. All right, cock, meaning. Pussy.

Thank you, I'm 50 years old. I just searched that. All right, let's see what happens. Will the FBI show up at my door? And we're waiting and we're waiting because Bill has the worst internet service. And there we go. Cock means vagina, let us explain. LA Weekly wrote an article about this.

Let me see here. Okay, oh, this is the one. Cock meaning vagina, let us explain. No, I don't want to fucking subscribe to the LA Weekly. Okay, Rodney Carmichael's early high school years were awkward, like many young men. He wasn't sure how to talk to girls. This was less of a problem for a stepbrother. Who gives a shit?

Okay, all right, he'd never met a girl in person, but recalls that his stepbrother promised she was cute, even better. She'd seen Carmichael from afar and thought the same thing about him. So their phone calls slowly meandered from getting to know you phase to clumsy high school attempts at flirtation. Then she asked a question that stopped him in his tracks. Do you eat cock? Wait, that's not a fucking clumsy flirtation.

That's fucking direct. It's like a fucking military. Do you eat cock private? All right, Carmichael was confused. To the young black man, everything to that point had suggested a typical teenage heterosexual courtship, but the question threw him for a loop. He's like, I didn't know if she was talking about mine or hers. He remembers.

It was kind of nerve wracking. His confusion was understandable. He didn't use the word cock much himself, but he had heard it by white folks in the media. HBO, old playboy who was slang for penis. When it was used by some of his famous rap favorite rappers, however, it meant something else entirely. Take Miami rap act to live crew. The group obsessed equally with bass and female anatomy.

And most famous hit me so horny. Also had a song called HBC in which they chanted, head booty and cock. What you like fellas, head booty and cock. Jesus Christ. I don't remember that song. And two live crew, Jesus Christ. Okay, Snoop Dogg, when I bust my nut, I'm raising up off the cock. Snoop Dogg raps in his iconic 1993 hit, gin and juice.

All right. So we got enough examples. So no surprise that the fledgling courtship quickly wound down. Nobody's cock was ever eaten. But Carmichael definitely wasn't alone in his confusion. There were surely many casualties in an era when hip hop sudden popularity forced this old bit of slang into a head on collision with the broader culture. For one group of people cock referred to male genitalia for the other referred to female.

There we go. Huh? And that's one to grow on. See everybody, you know, every once in a while you learn something here. On the fucking Thursday afternoon podcast. What do you think about that, huh? All right. So you gotta be asking yourself that the New England patriots are playing the fucking Indian

apolis Colts, a rivalry, arguably the biggest rivalry in the NFL during the paint man. It was there maybe, you know, I always thought the Steelers Ravens was a good one. Yeah. Who the fuck knows? Anyways, it was, it was a big rival, but now, you know, it's a different time. Andrew Luck, you know, took a year off getting healthy. Now he's back. Who knows what happens?

I love what the Patriots did on Sunday. Oh, by the way, did I fucking call the fucking Broncos or what they covered? They still blew the fucking game, but they was so hoping they were actually going to win the game. But anyways, the Patriots did so well against the Dolphins. That's the team that I want to show up on Thursday. But these Thursday games are weird because everybody's fucking tired. They usually sloppy as shit.

And I don't know. I keep hearing Edelman's going to be back and then other people say he isn't going to be back. I don't know. But if he's back, you know, we got that dude, you know, who likes to party like me in from Cleveland. Edelman, defense can get a little pressure on the quarterback, something. I don't know. We got a shot.

We got a shot to go on a little run here. We'll see. We shall see what happens. So I went to the gym today, right? And I forgot my headphones. And, you know, so they're playing, you know, gym music and shit, right? Dude, I gotta tell you, at my fucking gym, it is so funny. It's such like, like, I haven't been in a gym in like 11 or 12 years.

I always worked out in my garage, but now because I need to do the lat pulldowns to finally build strength up in my shoulder so I can finally do a pull up again. So I don't lose like 200 bucks when I turn 70 because I can't do 10 pull ups. That's the bet with Verzi that I have. And so I joined this gym and I haven't been in the gym so long. Like there is just so many different fucking workouts. Because, you know, back in the day, they used to be, I'd go to a gym and I'd be like, that guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, you know?

And that person really knows what they're doing. I should ask them for some tips on how to work out. But now I haven't been in there so long and there's just so many. I mean, last time I was a member of a gym, like, I don't think there was even kettle balls. Forget about all of this other shit where people stand on things like trying to you know, it's like they got half a beach ball that they're standing on and while they're doing curls and they're also working their core, I mean, I don't know. So then I see people doing other shit and it's just like, okay, so is that a legit exercise

or is that person just fucking weird? I saw a guy on, you know, instead of doing dips, he lifted himself up, he locked his arms out. And then he was just like scissor kicking side to side. Like he was running in the air. And I was like, is that for your ankles? Like what is, what is that? I imagine that's something for your core. He wasn't bringing his legs up though.

It was like he was just sort of running in the air. Like, you know those douchebags who do pull-ups and they act like they're walking upstairs? You know, like one person did it and it was cool and then 40,000 people did it and then just immediately became douchey like rollerblading. Oh, what did I hear this guy say today at the gym? It was, oh, so I was going to fucking write it down. I forgot. He was just talking about a show that he liked and I was just going,

there's no way that was ever for family. He said, I just thought that they were really delicate with some sort of, something sort of subject. This was a guy talking. I like that show because they're really, they cherish something, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if he was hitting on the woman he was talking to or whatever, trying to click who's fucking sensitive, you know, but I know they weren't talking about F is for family and speaking of F is for family, Netflix put out their first bit of social media

about season three, which I'm very excited about it. It dropped, I think 11am or something. Well, I guess it's the next day, so you guys probably already saw it. If you haven't seen it, Vince Vaughn is doing a voice this season and it's probably the most fun I've had in the, in the recording booth with somebody. He, that guy is like, he is completely in his own lane. He is a fucking monster. How funny that guy is.

And he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, I is and I did my best to try to keep up with them, which I don't think I did. But once again, just another, you know, huge person to add to the cast and obviously add to the funny. That's why I think this is our best season and it's obviously his production company, Wild West, for the whole fucking reason that the show exists to begin with. So I want to thank him and I want to thank all you guys. If you're even thinking of watching it, hopefully you will watch it and then we will get to do it

all over again and hopefully this time next year, I'll be talking about a season four, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. The Yankees, I don't know what happened. It's, it's the fucking day before. Oh no, it's today. It's happening today. Maybe they're, are they playing right now? They're playing the Oakland A's and I have no feeling about this game.

I have no idea who's going to win this fucking one, but I'd like to check in here. What have we got? Yankees, the Yankees, are they going to play tonight? What time? It's on TBS. All right, I'll have to check this out. No, you know what? I should be going to the fucking airport.

So I'm going to miss it. Maybe I'll watch it on the plane. Should be some Yankee fans on there, right? Flying to whatever the fuck I'm flying to. So anyways, I got some ad reads to read here, but I don't have them with me. So I'm just going to say I have them. And then I'm going to, I guess we'll drop it in through the magic of fucking, I don't know what, magic of editing.

Yeah. So I'm definitely going to do the, uh, the sober October thing. I got to do it, man. I don't know what my deal is. What is it when, if you drink, you just fucking take it to the end, but you can also just stop where does, where does that exist on like addiction? You know what I mean? Like I can literally just stop drinking and I have alcohol sitting.

I just walk by it every day. I don't even fucking see it. But then when I get back on, then I just fucking, I don't know, just slamming them. And I'm thinking, this would be my last one. This would be my last one. And I'm just like, I'm still not, maybe it's my tolerance. It's like, I don't feel anything. And the next day I wake up, I'm like, oh my God, I feel like shit.

Whoa, I was way drunker than I thought. I'm always amazed at those people that can just sip. You know, maybe it's just how I'm wired. Like if I'm playing drums, I'm going to fucking play drums. If I'm going to go do it towards going to be really fucking long or some shit. And if I'm going to drink, I'm going to drink. So I don't know. I'm just too fucking old for it.

And I don't know. But this is what always happens. Now I'll stop for a while. Month, two months, a fucking year, whatever. And then I just get bored. There's got to be like a hobby that I can come up with. Dude, these fucking people like chasing you around the fucking internet. Look at this.

Art Deco bar cabinet. I looked up maybe getting an Art Deco bar hilarious as I'm sitting there talking about I'm not going to fucking drink anymore. I looked that up like fucking six months ago and they just keep. Now I just clicked on it just to talk to you guys about and this will just never leave. I don't give a shit what I could be looking up something about platypuses. And in the side of my fucking thing, it's going to say Art Deco bars. Look at these things.

Oh my God, they are beautiful. Expensive as shit though. Jesus fuck you. Why are you paying all of that? My God. Oh, but they are beautiful. That's my favorite shit. I think also because I grew up watching Bugs Bunny that I like Art Deco shit.

Because if you watch Bugs Bunny, there's a lot of all the buildings and stuff, you know, which people, you know, really hate it to be honest with you. When they first came out, they didn't like Art Deco. They never liked the new shit, you know, like me. I never liked the new shit. What was I just bitching about? I'm bitching about fucking Patrick Mahomes. I wasn't even bitching about him.

I think he's fucking great. But that, that announcer, my God, I, I, there was a couple of times like, I think this guy's going to faint. I literally think he's going to fucking pass out if this guy, if he like hands off the ball. Then they give him case, kingdom, no fucking respect whatsoever. The guy only went to the fucking NFC championship game last year, right? Only beat the Saints in the last play of the fucking game, right? Granted, that was the Saints fucking up.

I was speaking to which that guy plays on the Colts now, I believe. But I don't know, yeah, I guess when that shit first came out, people just did not like it on any level. Oh, look at that one. Geez, look at this other thing you can't fucking see. Unique Art Deco whiskey bar cabinet. Now, how in the fuck am I supposed to not drink when there's bars like this that I can buy? Well, what makes this a whiskey bar?

Well, you know what? You put whiskey in it. Ah, there you go. It has little fucking holes in it. What do you reach down and you get the bottle that comes up like Michael Jackson used to come up out of the stage? I don't know. I don't like shopping online. I'll tell you what I need, man.

I need a fucking fly swatter. The mosquitoes are just off the hook right now. Did I say off the hook? Did I say they're raising the roof? Did I used to watch fucking Arsenio Hall talk show back in the day? I think I did. I think I did. Yeah, these things are like they are not taking any prisoners.

This is a this is special forces mosquitoes. I got like welts on me and shit and they are fast as shit. Or my my hand eye coordination isn't what it used to be. But it really makes the fly swatter is the holes in it. You know what I mean? So as it's moving through the air, it's like it's like the stealth bomber. Nobody can hear, you know, even though it's got a fucking jet engine. It's not like they can't hear it.

It's it's that they they can't pick it up on radar. Is that what it is? I don't know. I bet they can now. You know, we don't admit it because we spent so much money. It's like, oh, we can't find that thing. And then they take pictures of it. Oh, that's what it is.

Okay. It looks like a it looks like if someone was going to carve a cock, meaning a dick in a lathe and they didn't quite finish. They didn't quite round it off. But anyways, the fly swatter, because it has all those holes. It's like a Prius when it first starts off. You know, you can't like if someone's trying to run you down with a Prius when they first left the curb, you wouldn't hear it.

By the time you really that engine fucking turned on, it would be too late. That's what it is. The fly swatter is the Prius of fly killers. I think right because what else you got, you got that tape that you hang down. I always thought that that was just brutal. That fucking that's like that mouse thing. They just go into the glue trap and they like fucking ripping themselves apart trying to get out of it. There's no need for that.

Just get a cat. Those creepy as fucking things. You ever get a feeling like somebody's stealing from you? You know, your gut just tells you don't trust this person. I've always felt that way about cats. I don't fucking trust those things as far as I could throw one. And I would throw one because it's going to land on its paws anyways, right? Anyways, I have a plane to catch everybody.

This had got to be the biggest bunch of nonsense I've ever said in my fucking life. I'm going to be at the Boston Garden on Friday night. And I'm getting together with some friends I used to play with back in the day to jam during the day. In the arena. This time, unlike the forum, I will not be going for fucking, you know, three and a half hours. I'm not going to do like 90 minutes or something. Get in there, have a good time and then just fucking, you know, leave them want more. So I want to thank everybody at Boston.

I sold more tickets than I've ever sold in my life. I can't believe it. I'm actually in denial about it so I can fucking mentally get through it. And it's really going to be crazy because I actually started my stand up career at Nick's Comedy Stop on Warren Street, March 2nd, 1932. And 26 and a half fucking years later, you know, to be right down the street is pretty cool, man. Pretty fucking cool. But it ain't going to be cool full freckles has a bad show.

So I will be making sure. Well, that's good enough because now it's sober October. Now I said it to you guys, you know, and I love that Rogan does that shit because it makes me want to fucking do it. So if you guys can come up with a good rhyme for me, maybe I'll go for November. You know, remember sober, remember November. No, it doesn't have a good ring to it. Whatever, I'll let you guys come up with it.

Send me send me your pitches and I'll see if it works. And if it doesn't, I'll blame my binge drinking on you guys. All right, that is it. Have a great weekend. Once again, thank you to everybody who's coming out to Springfield, Boston and Connecticut. And please watch Ted Alexandros special at all things ATC special. Sorry, senior class of Earth streaming now.

All things comedy. All right. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from N.S. Novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas along with all N.S. Novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling

with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. All right, here we go. Here's the first read. All right. Thothi behave. Everyone at some point has wished they could just have beer, wine or liquor delivered.

Christ, I'm trying to get sober. Well, someone finally decided to do something about it. Introducing Thothi, the alcohol delivery app. Thothi delivers your favorite wine, beer and liquor right to your door on demand. Now, if you're in Los Angeles, the Bay Area, Chicago, San Diego or Sacramento, your Thothi order will arrive at your door and under 30 minutes ready to drink. If you break out into the fucking DTs in that 30 minutes, maybe you got a problem. For the rest of us, Saucy will deliver beer, wine and liquor to your door in two days or less

nationwide. There are no order minimums, no delivery fees, no running to the store. If you've got the Saucy app, you got a fully stocked bar on your phone. No delivery minimums, no order minimums. Well, if you've got a keg party, they'll handle it. And for a limited time, you can get $15 off when you download your Thothi app and enter your promo code BRR, that's the Thothi app, spelled S-A-U-C-E-Y, and enter promo code BRR, sorry, promo code BRR for $15 off.

Get the Saucy app today and use promo code BRR. All right, my bookie, hey, how you fucking doing? I'm sure watching football is fun, but it's more entertaining when you have your fucking week's paycheck on and off, when you have some action on the games. Guys, have you heard me talk about this for weeks? And some of you are still on the sidelines. Whether you're an expert or a rookie, you should be betting at my bookie. If you're the kind of guy that fucking likes to bet a little and win a lot,

like playing the numbers on roulette, you can create a big parlay. Pick three teams to win, and if you hit all three, you'll turn $100 into $600. If not, you're going to lose $100. It's not just football. You can bet all major sports. Take MMA this weekend, Conor McGregor. By the way, inside story, I heard all that bullshit about him partying, all that fucking rumors inside.

I heard that that isn't true, he's in great shape. Whether he wins or not, I don't know. Steps into the art to go on SA-A for his first UFC fight in two years. You can bet on things like whether he'll win straight up or whether Khabib will deliver a first round knockout. I recommend these guys because I really trust them. This is the one bet I know you'll be happy with all season. My bookie has been in business for years.

They've got great online reviews and their mobile site is easy to use. If you're on the sidelines, now is the time to get in the game. My bookie will still match your first deposit, dollar for dollar, but you've got to join now because they're pulling that offer. Log onto my bookie right now and double your money. Use promo code BRRR and you'll get your first deposit matched 100%. That's promo code BRRR. You play, you win, you get paid.

All right, who's next? Oh, by the way, since I fucking recorded this podcast, congratulations to the New York Yankees, huh? We're going to go head to head again, above fucking time. We'll see what happens. It's a short series, anything can happen. All right, Helix, Helix, there's nobody on the planet like you. Oh, you're so special.

So why would you buy a generic mattress built for everyone else? Helix, Helix Sleep matches your body to the perfect mattress, so get the best sleep of your life. They've developed, Jesus, nine different mattresses. Tail it to specific body types and sleep preferences. Just go to helixsleep.com slash burr, take their two-minute sleep quiz, and they'll match you to a mattress that's perfect for you,

contouring to your body to provide unprecedented comfort and better sleep. 30% of helixsleep customers report better sleep after switching to their customized mattress from Helix Sleep. Right now, they're offering up to $125 off all mattress orders, whether you're a side sleeper, a hot sleeper, a power bottom, or like a plush or firm bed. They got the mattress that will fit just right. Get up to $125 off helixsleep.com slash burr.

That's helixsleep.com slash burr for $125 off your mattress order. Hey, helixsleep.com slash burr. Oh, look who's here. But do, do, do me undies, me undies. The red socks and the Yankees. Do, do, do me undies, me undies. You two fucking hammered, give me your keys. You're gonna shit your pants, watching this shit.

No matter what happens, ESPN will say this is it. It's a couple of fucking $200 million teams. What about the fucking A's? Me undies, the lounge pants are made from the same micro-model fabric as their undies. They're making lounge pants? Oh my God. You mean for lounging around? I want to get some of these.

Let me tell you, you'll be in fall heaven when you cover your entire bottom half with fabric that is three times softer than cotton. You thought your balls felt, felt soft. Wait till you feel your knees. Me undies, always love celebrating the fall season with fun Halloween prints. Check out their latest Jack O'Lantern prints in undies, socks, and brollets.

Pronounce brollet. The best part, when you join the membership, you can get all this stuff, lounge pants, tees, and undies. Everything me undies makes for less than anyone else. Special member pricing is just one of the many perks of joining the membership. Talk about why me undies are the best underwear. Feel free to improvise.

Well, you know, my balls used to be sad and, you know, feeling like they weren't respected as they were chafed when they were up against cotton, you know? And then one day I came in with the micro-model or whatever the fuck they're making this shit out of. And I've never gotten along with my ball bag better. We're really still in the honeymoon phase of this underwear. Guys, I've said it time and time again.

I love these undies. I said that. They are the softest underwear I ever put on, and they come with fun prints that I can match with socks or my brollet. Hey, damn, man, tits. 100% satisfaction guaranteed. You're going to love these undies.

But if you're not into it, me undies will go, will do whatever they can to get you into the right pair. If they can't keep them and they'll refund you. So it really is risk-free to try the best underwear ever. Me undies has a great offer for my listeners. For the first time, sorry, for any first-time purchasers, when you purchase any me undies, you can get 15% off and free shipping.

This is a no-brainer. Get 15% off a pair of the most comfortable undies you will ever put on to get your 15% off your first pair. Free shipping and 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Go to meundies.com slash burr. That's meundies.com slash burr. My baby went away. She went away across the sea.

It's been two years or so since I saw my baby go. And this letter came for me. It's over, we used to. Hey, what's going on? This is Bill Burr and this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 4th, 2010. And I'm doing it really, really late, super late. Super, super late like that whore you banged the freshman year of fucking high school.

You know, we'll stop stressing out about it. That's what's making it not happen. You're not fucking pregnant. Remember that girl? Everybody had that girl, right? The one girl who gets fucking pregnant like eighth grade, ninth grade. You know, you go back for your 10-year high school reunion and she's standing there with a 22-year-old.

You're like, look at you. Good for you, huh? You still got it. Actually, that's my son. That's right, she's standing there with their three kids and they all have like beards and mustaches or a full rack of titties. Anyways, I'm super late because I hung around for an extra day in Buffalo and consumed about 9,000 calories.

I went to the Buffalo Bills New York Jets game and then afterwards I went to the Buffalo Sabre Philadelphia Flyers game. And I just had a fucking awesome time out there, man. The first night actually worked in Albany, New York. I was working the egg. And I want to thank everybody who showed up, man. I had a great turn-off for both shows. It's my first little dip into the theater market.

Stuck my little toe in there, you know? But I got to tell you, man, I had the scariest fucking flight I've had in like 10 years flying in from Chicago to Albany, right? I live out here on the fucking west coast now. So for some goddamn reason, Los Angeles is this international airport. But well, that's not true. It's because it's the other side of the country. I mean, I can get a fucking direct flight to like, I don't know, Bakersfield.

I'm trying to pick some fucking obscure city, but whatever. To get to Albany, I got to fly into Chicago. And then that which was no problem. And then I flew from Chicago to Albany. And when we came in on final approach, I don't know what happened. The guy's like, we're coming in for final approach. And we just was, we were in this fucking soup. We were in this chop or whatever the pilots call it.

And we're just going up 500 feet down, 600 back up seven. And we're just in this shit. And as I've stated before here on the podcast, I don't mind turbulence when I'm way up in the fucking air. I don't give a shit. Drop a thousand feet. We're 30,000 off the fucking ground. I don't care, right?

But when you're like coming in on final approach, all of a sudden dropping 5,600 feet, you know, you start hitting TV antennas like back in the day, like Fred Flintstone, when he didn't want to get busted for whatever the fuck he was doing, right? He started driving around the neighborhood, lassoing the antennas. What the hell was he doing? Was he cheating on Wilma? Am I doing some, some stand up comedy material from the 1980s?

Is that, is that what I'm doing? What was the deal with Fred? Um, so we're just in this shit. And this guy says we're in final approach. Okay. And like 15 fucking minutes later, I'm just looking out the window, doing what I always do, go and give me some lights. Let me see some fucking lights of the city

so I can figure out how high up we are. So I can figure out how much I need to be freaking out. And we just kept flying through this shit. And it was like really, really bad to the point. I was actually feeling a little bit queasy, right? And this guy's not saying shit. And I'm thinking, fuck, we're flying into Albany. Who flies into Albany?

You know, is that the, the fucking, is that Tom Brady flying that plane? Or do we got the backup? Why don't we know his fucking name Albany? The studs, they flying to JFK, they flying to LaGuardia. They flying to Newark. They don't fly into Albany, right? So I'm sitting there freaking the fuck out going out. God, we got, we got the fucking backup to the backup.

We got Trent Dilfer's backup flying the goddamn plane. And so I did something I haven't done in a while. I started praying to God, huh? Oh, Jesus, that's how bad it was. I had to fucking hedge my bets going, hey, you know, I've been talking a lot of trash about you on the Monday morning podcast. Wait a minute. Do I even need to explain it considering you know everything?

Um, no, seriously, I was like, all right, sorry for this. Sorry for that. Sorry for my sins. And I'm really starting to get nervous because we're still fucking, you know, people's stomachs to drop in and I'm really fucking praying. And then all of a sudden I heard this woman, uh, puke like 10 rows back, right? Everybody is like visibly nervous and no one has let out the bitchy scream yet.

And then I just hear this lady like 12 rows back. Oh, right. So I start laughing my fucking ass off. It's exactly what I need. Little bit of humor so I can just completely pave over any sort of emotion that I'm feeling. And then we were back in the fucking chop again. And then the pilot finally comes on and says, yeah, they have us in a holding pattern because as you can see, there's a storm.

And what I didn't get was why didn't you fly up above it? Or fly east of the shed or get away from it. We just stayed in it. We were flying in circles in this fucking storm. And we would, we would get to the point where it was sort of tolerable. And then go back into it again. And, uh, it was really getting bad. I was trying to read a magazine and made me like carsick,

which I guess is air sick when you're up there, but it's the same shit. And, uh, and then I heard this guy like two rows behind me. You know, he let out this really bitchy like, oh, we were going over the thing. And it actually made me fucking angry. You know, Christ's sake, hold your fucking get yourself together. Fucking start making those noises, making everybody scared. Your asshole. So we did that.

That's what it was for fucking 40 minutes. We were in this shit and, uh, people were puking. People were making like literally like that. And, uh, and I'm sitting there trying to fucking remember what prayers you're supposed to say from back in the days when I was an altar boy, right? You're fucking rang the bells. And on the third day, he said, this is what I've done for you.

I can't remember this. This is my body, which will be given up for you. That's right. You ring it, ding it, ding it, ding with the fucking the bells there. At least that's how we did it. You know, that's the only lame attempt at my church. We made to try to fucking compete with whatever was going on fucking in the inner city, right?

They probably had a wreath of Franklin headlining or some shit. You just had me looking like a young fucking opie. Cunningham, whatever the fucking goddamn dude's name was. I never watched that show, the Andy Griffith show. I always found it depressing. Watching those broke ass southern people with that town drunk. It was never funny to me. So anyways, we finally fucking land and everything was good.

Go to Albany. I do the gig. Everything's fucking great. Then I go out to Buffalo driving across the state of New York. Absolutely gorgeous day. And the second I even get within the vicinity. First of all, everybody told me it was a fucking five hour drive, six hour drive from Albany to Buffalo.

What a, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how people drive, but you can go a lot faster than that. Three hours and 50 minutes, you pussies. So I go in there and the second I get into Buffalo, it's like fucking pouring down rain. I'm sorry. I thought I hit the stop button here.

It just immediately was the most miserable fucking weather. And I end up doing my show and I don't know what's going on. I'm fucking tired and I lost interest in this story. What do you think about that? How do I regroup here? You don't fuck me up as I thought I stopped my recorder. God damn it. This is why I don't do my podcasts on the same day that I fly

is because I'm so fucking sleepy that I can't, I can't focus. I keep trying to fucking keep the momentum going and I just can't do it. I just can't fucking do it. Let's, let's just try to hit the highlights. I get to Buffalo. I do the goddamn show. I have a great time and the other comedian working with me and Paul Verzi.

We're like, well, you know, this is Buffalo. They are known for their wings. They're always talking shit, right? Philly cheesesteak. You go to Philly, you get a cheesesteak, right? You go to fucking Atlantic City, you get, you get fucking, you get your dick sucking the alley right behind the fucking blue and beige Trump Casino.

You do, you do what the, and what in Rome? You do what the Romans do. So fuck it, we're in Buffalo. Let's go get some goddamn Buffalo wings. Let's go get some wings. So there's two places to go. You either go to Duff's or you go to Anchor Bar and Duff's was right down the street.

So we said, fuck it, let's go there. And I got to tell you, you want to talk about living up to the hype best fucking wings I ever had. All right. It had a crunchy outside. You know, like when people don't know how to make the wings around the rest of the country, when the crunch, the outside is crunchy.

That means as my dad would say, Christ, you cook this shit out of it. Yeah, usually that means somebody overcooked it. Or as my dad eloquently puts it, cook this shit out of it. That's what he's always here. Christ, you cook this shit out of it. Um, face all twisted up. Anyways, let's back when you could curse in restaurants,

you know, tell you, we lost so many rights after 9-11. I swear to God. Remember, you used to be able to walk into McDonald's and you get your french fries and they would cold and you could just yell at the manager, hey, hey fucking dude. Yeah, you, what the fuck? Well, they're fucking cold.

I'm sorry, sir. Let me get you some other ones. Yeah, you do that. Right? Isn't that what you were able to do? Or those my drinking years? I can't remember. That's how I, that's how I did it.

So anyways, once again, I've lost my train of thought. I don't know where I am. Yeah, so we go in there and they're literally, they're fucking crunchy on the outside and they're juicy on the inside and they got this unbelievable sauce and we got the duff beer. It was this shit. Now evidently, when Obama went there,

there's another place. There's a place called Anchor Bar. And I guess when Obama went there, he flipped the coin and he went to duff. So we went to the same place the president went to, but then afterwards, ah, fuck it. I gotta tell that part of the story. Oh, Jesus.

You know what this is? This is like the first draft of a script, except this is all I got budget for. This is like gonna be like a fucking Ed Wood movie. Cut. That was perfect. Moving on. So the next day, I go to the bills game.

All right? And I'm doing my little $100 bet. I'm picking three games against the spread. Once again, this week, I went one and two. I went one and two last week, so I'm two and four, a pitiful two and four. Even if I teased my teams last week, I still would have lost with the fucking Falcons

beating the Saints in overtime. So this week, who did I have? First of all, the dumbest thing you can do is a gambler as I bet with my heart. So I'm sitting there going, all right, the bills are getting five. I know every football famine out there right now is going, oh, Jesus.

That's because you know the fucking final result. All right? I'm thinking, all right, the Jets have been playing great. They should go in and absolutely destroy this team. It's fucking raining out. It's a divisional rivalry. This is the exact, and they got a couple injuries in their secondary.

This is exact kind of a fucking game that goes the exact opposite way, right? And plus I hate the Jets, so I say, fuck it, I'm taking the bills. And then I also took the Bengals against Cleveland. I lost that one. And there was one other one that I took. Oh, I picked the fucking Ravens.

I got to stick with the Ravens, man. The Ravens have been good to me and so have the Lions. But I think the cat's out of the bag that the Lions can actually hang. So then I can be getting fucking 13-point spreads anymore. But anyways, so I show up there, right? And I'm walking into the stadium. It's fucking raining out.

Ah, Jesus, I fucked this part of the story up, too. You know what? Fuck this podcast. Crank, you cooked the shit out of it. Um, yeah, it was fucking raining out. This is one thing I've learned, that when you go to a football game and you're dealing with the elements,

this is, the more of a douchebag you look like, the warmer you're gonna be. All right, I saw the rain and I said, fuck this. And we went right to Dick's Sporting Good and I'm like, I'm buying that fucking, I'm gonna buy a raincoat with the matching raincoat slacks. I don't give a fuck.

I bought a pair of wool socks and I was good to go. So I'm with Verzi and, you know, they only had like two raincoats left and they were the exact same color. This fucking grape slush puppy purple. So we both have matching extra large fucking jackets. We got the jackets and the pants, like we're working at a fucking airport

and we're bringing in the fucking soul plane, right? That was a purple airplane, right? That's what we look like. So we show up to the game, right? Neither one of us is comfortable because neither one of us is a Jets or a Bill's fan. So we're in enemy territory and it's fucking drizzling out.

It's fucking cold. So I proceed to put on this Barney the dinosaur outfit, right? And right off the bat, Verzi starts pumping out going, man, I'm just gonna wear the top. I'm just gonna wear the top, trying to act like it's not raining out that bad. The reality is, is he didn't want to go through the hazing

that he would have to if the two of us walked in with our purple on purple fucking raincoats times two. We would have got a ton of shit and I was prepared to take it. I had a whole fucking silly walk I was gonna be doing. I don't give a fuck. So he punked out. So we ended up walking in,

but my head's cold, right? All I have is a baseball cap on. So I'm like, fuck, I gotta buy a hat. Can I buy a Bill's? Who gives a fuck there at last place? Maybe I'll buy a Bill's hat. And then I saw this one with a Patriot logo on it. I said, fuck it, I'll get that one.

So I put that one on. I'm nice and warm. We go to Will Call. We pick up our tickets. We go into that high school football stadium that they have out there that I actually love. Looks like an old school football stadium.

You know what I like about that football stadium? That's about the size of a football stadium that holds real fans. You know what I mean? All these new ones that hold like 100,000 fucking, that's all the bandwagon shit heads. When you're 0 and 4, the real fucking fans show up. 0 and 3, right?

So we walk into the goddamn stadium. We're loving life, right? I'm already laughing at Verzi because I know damn well what's gonna happen. He's gonna walk out there. There's gonna be some shitty little plastic seat that's gonna be covered in fucking water. And the only way he's gonna be able to absorb it

is through his goddamn jeans and his fucking BBDs. And then he's gonna be sitting there with a wrinkled up nutsack that's gonna be getting hypothermia by second quarter. Why do I know this? Because I've been there. So we get a couple of beers. We get this fucking beef on a stick

or whatever the fuck they call it. We're good to go. We go in there, sit down. He sits basically down in a fucking puddle. He tried to stick a newspaper down, which is very absorbent. And I don't know, we sat there and I had hope for about eight seconds in that game

and the Jets came down and just fucking, they just kicked the shit out of him. Christ, they kicked the shit out of him! And it was just over. So we, so immediately our solution is just to start drinking the way we drank at the Masters. We're like, fuck it, let's get going here, right? So we're making trip after trip

and all of a sudden I gotta take a piss, right? So I go and I'm standing in line and all of a sudden this fucking six foot five goofy looking jackass. One of those guys who's like six foot five, but you still think he can take them because he's just covered in baby fat, you know? He's got a couple of whiskers on his chin and his cheeks are rosier than St. Nick, right?

He's got this jersey on and this big stupid I'm a Buffalo Bills fan with the horns on it and stuff, you know? He's the wacky guy. So I'm not even thinking shit, right? This is Bill's Jets. I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm not talking any shit. I'm fine.

I forgot I was wearing my Patriots hat. And all of a sudden this big goofy jackass starts going, what's with your Patriots fan? You like the rats? We got a rat over here, the rats. He likes the fucking rats and the shit, right? And I'm like, yeah, you know, whatever. He starts giving me shit.

I start giving him shit back. Then the weirdest fucking thing happened. By the time I get in to the actual men's room, I've talked, I've given these people so much fucking shit that actually there's Bills and Jets fans at a Bills and Jets game. They're playing each other. They stopped giving each other shit

and they teamed up together and started giving me shit, right? And then I just said, I don't know what I was thinking. I felt like I was on stage because it was like a crowd. I wasn't thinking like, hey, you know what, Bill? You really haven't had a fight outside of your family since maybe playing fucking street hockey in the sixth grade. I didn't give a fuck. I'm in a goddamn bathroom waiting to take a piss

in a goddamn trough, by the way. And then they just started giving me a fucking, this one dude starts going, Tom Brady, he sucks dick. He sucks dick. And he's like miming it like ridiculously well. So I'm like, hey, you know, buddy, you do that real well. He goes, I learned it by watching Tom Brady. I'm like, oh yeah, did you rent that porno?

You fucking fag. Gets a little uglier. Gets a little uglier. Then this other dude, what the fuck did? I can't remember what the hell he was saying to me. And I just said, look, I'm sorry, you guys have never won a Super Bowl. You know, then the Jets fan pipes in.

I go, do you realize the last time you guys won a Super Bowl, Charlie Chaplin was still alive? Do you understand that? Do you know what cars look like? The last time you won, you fucking morons. And then this other guy, I go, dude, we've won three Super Bowls. I'm sorry, right? And then the guy goes, whoa, you didn't play in the games.

I go, neither did you. Then he's just standing with his dumb look on his face. I go, that's right, keep staring forward. You got nothing. I said, forgetting that I don't know how to fight. So all of a sudden it's my turn to piss. I take my dick out. I'm ready to piss.

And one of these fucking pussies pushed me in the back, hoping that I was pissing at the time. Fortunately, I wasn't. So I turn around. I put my dick away because I'm a gentleman. I said, I go, is that how you guys do it out here? Really? I go, which one of you guys pushed me?

Like I'm fucking Jackie Chan. And for some reason, none of them said anything. I don't know if it was my purple on purple raincoat or the look of fire in my eye, but I'm a fucking 42 year old balding redhead talking shit in there. And none of them said anything. So now it's kind of funny to me. I felt like I was in like the world series of poker and I went all in and I didn't have a hand whatsoever.

So I don't know who the fuck pushed me, but that's what I mean. Come on, bitchiest move of the fucking week. How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you, how do you push another man when he's got his goddamn dick out trying to piss into a fucking trough? I mean, how do you get lower than that? Do you guys have any ideas?

How do you get lower than that? So then after none of them said anything, I go back and I start taking a piss. And then that other dude who was miming somebody sucking a dick unbelievably well, right next to me with one of those stupid hats that has the toggles on the side. And he's still trying to give me shit. And I'm going to go fuck yourself. And then he just starts screaming over and over again. Are you looking at my dick?

Are you looking at my dick? Maniacally, like five times. I just sort of stared at him like, why do you keep going this gay angle? Like, why is there always, I don't know. I think he was one of those guys, he was kind of in the closet. And then so he just goes to football games and he gets really drunk trying to just kill the families. I think he liked me is what I'm saying.

So if he's listening to this, I'm sorry, I'm spoken for you fucking pans. You fucking believe that? First of all, what's wrong with me? I really replayed all of that in my head because once I got out of there, I was like, I really started thinking like, what did you think you were going to do in there? They're not Clint Eastwood yet saying things Clint Eastwood would say. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know if I've said this before in a podcast.

A public bathroom is the worst fucking place to ever get into a fight. There is nothing soft. There's everything is porcelain pipes, that concrete floor, and then it has a mist of piss and shit. It's just a fucking, it's the worst place ever. You know, not to mention it usually starts evidently when one person has begun the pissing process. So, you know, older, little bit wiser. So then I'm standing in line to go get some more alcohol,

because God knows that's what you need after an incident like that. And I was just kind of just sitting there thinking like, all right, now how should I have played that? It should have ended when the dude with the water buffalo hat started giving me shit. What I should have done was roll with it. I should, you like the Patriots? I should have been like, hey, you know, you guys scored 30 on us last week, man. You guys look great, man.

I bet the Jets, I mean, I bet against the Jets. I hope you guys should have just ended it with that. Ended it, I should have, I should have extended an olive branch. That's what I should have done in the future. That's what the fuck I'm going to do. Because that was a, that was a potentially ugly situation. But fortunately, I think the people who were doing it, you know, had jobs and no one wanted to get sued and no one was willing to take it to that level.

And when I say fortunately, I mean for me and my face. Oh, do you know how bad that would have been to get stomped in that fucking purple on purple rank coat, laying there with my dirty fucking Patriots hat. And my team wasn't even playing. I would have lost the lawsuit. They would have been like, let me get this straight. You're a Patriots fan. You were a Patriots hat to a Bill's Jets game and you somehow managed to get the

shit kicked out of you. What the fuck did you say? You know, that's one of the great things about being a guy is you actually have to take responsibility for your, for your actions. See a woman would be like, there's no excuse. There's no reason. I don't care what happened. You don't hit a girl, which is true.

You don't hit a fucking girl, but there's no learning in that. There's no lesson. You know, even my best friends would have been like, yeah, those guys are fucking assholes. And the button, you know, there wouldn't have been an awkward pause. And I'm going to be like, dude, what the fuck are you talking shit for? Buy yourself at a game when your team isn't even fucking playing. What's wrong with you? You're 42 years old.

Get your shit together. And they would have been right. So anyways, fortunately, the bills are smart enough to stop serving alcohol at half time. So when I went to go get more beer, there wasn't any to be had. So I walk back there and I'm laughing my ass off, telling Versey the fucking story. And he informs me that fucking Sanchez threw a bomb to that fucking drunk driver there. And I was just like, ah, Jesus, here we go. Here we go.

And the fucking Patriots led up 30 points to this fucking team. And the Jets are raping them like this. Are the Patriots that bad? I said we were at nine and 17. Now I'm thinking fucking seven and nine. So whatever. So that was rough. And then I ended up getting into it with some other jet fan.

I'm just a dick. I'm a dick when I'm sober and then you add alcohol. And that goes to the next level. And then when I go to a sporting event, I become another person entirely. I don't know what it is. I just, I don't know. I love it. I love being at the game.

I'm at the stadium. I get excited. And then I'm a dick. And I say, I say things that I shouldn't be saying. And I just started giving this lady shit. And she was bragging about the Jets. And I just kept asking her over and over again, what is it like to share a stadium?

You know, why couldn't she just sit there and enjoy the fact that she was winning? Why did I have to ruin it? Why is my level of hatred for all New York teams to that level? It's pathetic. It's really pathetic, but it is what it is. So anyways, most people would call it a day after that point, but not me. Not Verzi. Not us.

Fuck that. We're going to the Sabres Flyers game after this. There's more beers to be drank. So, and we got to check out this fucking anchor bar to compare their wings to Duff's, right? We're fucking doing buffalo up. That's what you do. You sit out in the fucking shit weather. You watch the bills get their ass kicked.

You almost get beat down with your dick out in the fucking bathroom. And then you go get some wings and hit the Sabres. And hit the Sabres game afterwards. If there's something else to do out there, I didn't see it. All right. Niagara Falls. One of my fucking honeymoon. Anyways, who goes to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon?

Huh? How far back into the Staples warehouse are you working? That that's where you go. That's what I want to know. So anyways, uh, fucking cruise back to the hotel. Well, get out of our fucking, uh, uh, Barney the dinosaur fucking raincoats and, uh, I had to get directions. We fucking flew down to the Sabres game.

This is what kills me. We go to, we go to anchor bar first. I was thinking the game was at seven and eight. Turns out it's at fucking six. So we're pulling into anchor bar at a quarter to six. Get ready to have some fucking wings. We're still, we're just having a great time. I can put the windows down.

I could smell them. This is going to be the shit, right? Just literally, I literally gained like 20 pounds yesterday. So right as we pull in the radio comes on and says, you know, the Sabres, I've already dropped the puck in 15 minutes. So we're like, fuck. And we start driving really fast, not knowing where we were going to go. Cause the plan was to get wings and then, you know, with sauce on our face.

Be like, well, where do the Sabres play? That's that, that was, that was the gameplay. But now we have to fucking start driving. And we ended up pulling over and, uh, these three black dudes walking across the street. Roll down the window. Hey, do you have any idea where the Sabres play? Uh, look at me breaking down stereotypes. And it turns out, uh, the dude were actually African.

And we go, where, you know, how do we get to the H S B C S S C fucking arena? And he's like, Oh, that is very far. Yeah. You hit the, uh, I can't, I can't do an African accent, but I could just tell the way he was rolling his eyes that it was really far. But I was thinking, wait a minute, this guy's walking. Does he mean by bus? Who the fuck knows?

Whatever. Long story short, we ended up getting up there. So we just think we're going to walk up. It's a preseason game. We're just going to buy tickets at the booth. No can do. Dude, I think I bought a bad pack of batteries. They said fucking Duracell on them.

I think they will bootleg these goddamn things. They're only good for a half a fucking hour. All right, let's pick up the pace with the damn story again. So we walk up there. It's a, it's a preseason game. And we go up to buy tickets and they're sold out. Unbelievable for the Sabres Flyers. They were like, fuck.

They're going to drop the puck in five minutes. We go, we got to go scalp some tickets. And I didn't see anybody selling near the arena. And I came walking out and I see this nerdy looking white dude with the sweater walking up. And I just yelled, who's got tickets? And he goes, I got two right here. I got two right here.

And then we're fucking bought them off. 60 bucks of wax sat right on the club level. They got everything from sushi to, I don't know if they have sushi, but they had like ice cream, which is really fucking ridiculous at a hockey game. Maybe you got an ice cream sandwich, but they had like, it looked like, what's that Italian restaurant? The Italian ice cream, that's the gelato.

They got like that level ice cream. You know, are you really going to come back with that on a cone, licking a cone as you watch two people beat the shit out of each other? So anyway, so then we get, it's just, first of all, the Sabres Arena is the shit. All right. For the exact opposite reason that I love the Buffalo, I love the Buffalo Bill Stadium because it reminds me,

it's what football stadiums look like when I was a kid. I'm not insulting you guys out there. I think it's the shit. I like it. I hate those brand new fucking stadiums that are the size of a goddamn mountain. I hate them. I can't stand them. They're too fucking expensive.

They rape you in the ass for tickets because they got to pay for the fat fucks who sit in the luxury boxes who don't even give a shit about the damn team and they want to sit inside and watch a game. Fuck all those places. So, but the Sabres, as far as a new arena, man, that's right up there with, as far as the new arenas goes, the best one I've seen. I like the Minnesota Wild, the Phoenix Coyotes had a really nice one. And the worst one I've been to was the Boston Bruins.

We have the worst brand new fucking arena you are ever going to go to. It's like a bomb shelter. They went out, they went down to the fucking Grossman's hardware and they bought up all the cinder blocks in the state. That's what they did. And then they just glued them together and painted them yellow and fucking black. There you go. There you go.

That's where we put the Bruins and the 17 time world champion Boston Celtics. There you go. Give you some yellow plastic seats. Have fun. But the Sabres arena, man, it was beautiful. Scoreboard was the shit. They had the Sabres head hanging. It was fucking awesome.

And the game was nine to two. Sabres kicked the shit out of them. And I always make fun of those people who listen to the radio when they watch a game. Like, what, you can't see what the fuck's going on? Well, evidently, I couldn't because I saw what I thought I was going to do. Because I saw what I thought was Daniel Carcello getting beaten down to the ice. I saw the Sabre and this flyer go at it. And they appeared to both drop the gloves.

And the Sabre guy went, what does what does twice straight in this guy's face. And by the second one, the guy was falling backwards to the ice. And he did, you know, that final UFC, you're not knocked out enough. I'm going to punch you as you're on the ground overhand. Right where it does to his fucking face. And I was like, wow. Wow. Who was that who did that?

And who was that who got fucked up? And then five minutes later, Carcello was over by the penalty box and he got a game of conduct. I go, did he do that to Carcello? And was he embarrassed? So he came out and he tried to do a handsome brother thing and fight him. The second the dude came out and turned out it wasn't him. It was somebody else. And I heard he didn't even drop the gloves,

which is to explain why what does what does what does happened. How do you do that? How do you not drop the gloves when someone else drops the gloves? Even if you don't want to fight, can't you just fucking drop the gloves to hang on and turn the other way? And give up the back of your head. How I would have fought in that bathroom. Oh, the noise. Can you imagine the noise of five people trampling me, the echoing, the perfect acoustics of a fucking

goddamn men's room. Anyway, so, uh, and then we end the night, the end of the night, we, uh, we saw a great goddamn game. Saw that six, four, eight psychopath that I want to see Charif fight on defense. And then we went, uh, we left and we went down to anchor bar and we show up and get this for the third time in the history of that place. They ran out of wings. They ran out of wings. Like you fucking kidding me.

Went down there to watch the Giants game. Verzi's a big Giants fan, right? So we go, fuck it. We'll stay here anyways. And, uh, I don't know. Ask Paul about the, I don't want to trash the place because I know it's legendary, but go on Paul's Facebook page and ask him how he enjoyed the mixed drinks there. Because, uh, he had a little issue.

He had a little bit of an issue there. You know what I mean? You know the deal. Hey, let me get, uh, let me get absolute, uh, on the rocks and absolutely, you know, and then you just see them pouring it out of a fucking jelly jar. And you're like, uh, what, what kind of absolute is that? It's, uh, absolutely, uh, my friend's vodka that he makes down the street. You fucking prick.

So we actually didn't have a good time in anchor bar. We showed up and, uh, they were out of wings and then they tried to pass off some shit vodka is the real thing. Is that how they do it at the anchor bar? I'm still going to go back there and try their wings. I got it. I got to check it out. I mean, I liked everything inside.

You go inside there and they had like fucking, it was like a motorcycle museum, like real motorcycles above it. They had license plates everywhere from like Hawaii to like the Northwest Territories. They had like license plate shaped like a bear in there. That's how far north these fucking ice road truckers come to come down and get damn sales some fucking buffalo wings. So we did it up. We did buffalo.

You know, actually if I got into a fight and lost, but didn't really get hurt, that really would have made, that would have been great. A little bit of blood on my purple fucking raincoat. The fuck is wrong with me. But let's get to the questions this week, everybody. This is actually a really considering that that happened. I just, somebody sent me a great podcast question about that under the new topic, sports cunts. And by the way, I'm going to get out of the sports talk after a while.

Cause like, remember when I went real hardcore conspiracy theory and talked about banks every week and then that got boring? Well, the sports thing is only going to be interesting for so fucking long, but we're really in the throes of it right now. I know for a lot of you, this is like during the Sopranos when Tony was in that fucking out of body state where he walked around, didn't talk like Tony Soprano. Remember that shit? Do you?

Okay. Let me adjust the levels here. I hope these aren't too loud. Okay. So here you go. Sports cunts. Bill. All right.

Anyway, all of your jets hating made me want to email you. I went to the Jets Pats game for week two. I'm a Patriots fan, by the way, and I'd love to hear you, your take on fans who attend football games. It's fucking incredible. I went with my girlfriend who was wearing a Brady Jersey. Now know that this isn't a way game, everybody. Okay.

They went to New Jersey to watch the New York Jets play in Giant Stadium. It's not Giant Stadium, it's fucking Middle East. Shut up. We pull into the parking lot and people were literally moving their chairs into the open parking space, not letting me park. Saying Patriots aren't allowed here. And the guy writes, I get it. Now can you please move?

No one would fucking move. It's amazing. It's like, okay, I fucking get it. You hate the Pats. Now get the fuck out of my way and let me park. So they finally move and we get out and start walking towards the stadium. He goes, these people start following us, calling us every name you could think of. And he's like, really, do you have a fucking family

or anything else in your life? You take this game this seriously. I would have said something, but there were like nine guys. Well, hey, welcome to my world. Welcome to my world. Just thank God you weren't taking a piss at that time. But there were like nine guys and like six girls calling me a Patriots-loving faggot. Then he writes, faggot, really?

So we keep walking and pass some normal people who heckle in the right way. You're going down, Brady sucks. I get that, haha, it's fine. Best comeback, by the way, is just to keep walking through the parking lot, responding with 1969. They hate that, but I only pull that card in response. Okay, so now we're going up the escalator. Some guys going the other way on the escalator and start screaming.

You're almost as ugly as that fucking Brady jersey you have on. Oh, they're saying that to your girlfriend. Wow. Go back to Boston, you faggot. What the fuck? Then at our seats, there was a fucking juiced up, Roydehead screaming his fucking face off, turning red, punching the shit out of the seats, screaming the entire game.

There was a fucking dad and his 12-year-old daughter in front of us. Anyway, I just love to hear your take on these fucking lunatics. Like, I get it, you love football, but really, is there nothing else in your life that you take this seriously? All right. Well, you're talking to a guy who's been on boats. I've never gone, I've never called someone a faggot. I never do that.

There's more of us than you, so I'm going to try to intimidate you thing. I'm more of the lone, wise-ass talking shit to someone who can beat the shit out of me, but this is what you got to understand. All right, just to avoid these situations as sports fans. This is what I found. You can, all right, first of all, if you're going to go into another person's stadium, okay, and not only wear the other team's jersey, but the jersey of a team that has literally kicked the shit out of the other team.

I mean, the Patriots since 2001 have basically kicked the shit out of the jets twice a year, every fucking year, for almost 10 years. Or at the very least, we've won like 80% of the fucking games. So that jersey, it's like, you got to understand, you're bringing up a lot of bad memories. Yeah, those people who actually don't let you park there, yeah, they are taking it too far. There's a little bit on both sides. You know what I mean? It's like, you're kind of, you know, slicing your leg and then jumping in a shark-infested

water and then getting upset that you're getting your fucking leg bit off. I mean, I think it's bullshit. I don't know, but I do get it. Like, people should get shit. Okay, that roided out guys who's punching the back of the seats. I mean, that's kind of par for the course. I hate to say it, it is par for the course. Like the Eagles fans really get, or Philly fans get way too much credit for psychos.

They kind of act, it's kind of like racism, how they act like it's only white people in the South. You know, like that's where it is. And it's kind of like Philly gets all the shit or credit, depending if you're proud of it or not, that like only moron asshole fans are in Philly. I mean, I've been to games in Philly. One of the worst experiences I had was going to a San Diego Chargers game. Once again, with my patriot fucking hat on, like an asshole, you'd think I'd learn from that. Yeah, my take on that is, yeah, you know, there should be

this fun talking shit, and then there's the talking shit where it's not fun. Like someone pushes you away trying to take a piss, or they start, you know, saying your girlfriend's ugly or whatever the fuck they were trying to say there. But, you know, if you were the Jersey LAO team, you walk in, you got to expect that someone's, you know, going to call you a pussy or probably throw the last bite of their hot dog at you. What's going to happen, people are drinking. And, you know, a lot of people don't like their lives.

They don't like who they're married to. Maybe they don't like their job. Or maybe they're just a dick. Who knows? But you got to understand that basically, you know, you wore the Jersey of a team that's won three Super Bowls into the stadium of a team that, like I said, Charlie Chaplin was alive the last time the Jets won it. Okay?

Harry Truman was alive. Dwight D. Eisenhower was alive the last time the Jets won it. All right? And I'm not trying to give the Jets shit. I'm just trying to show compassion here. Brett Favre wasn't even alive. The last time the Jets won it, okay? So you got to be a little more compassionate to the Jets fan.

I mean, like the Dallas Cowboys were considered bridesmaids. Could always get to the big dance, but could never win it. The last time the Jets won the Super Bowl, you know? Richard Nixon was president. Spiro Agnew was vice president. Cost of a new home was $27,500. That was the average price, average cost of a new car was $3,270. The last time the Jets...

I'm not giving the Jets shit here by bringing out these staggering facts. I'm just trying to say, you know, you got to show a little compassion. You have to understand that these poor bastards, the last time they won it, the population of this country was only at $202 million. Do you understand that? They haven't won it in a long fucking time. Price of gas was 35 fucking cents. Do you really think that you're going to walk in with the jersey of a guy who's created them

so much fucking misery, who has a haircut that they can't stand, who's banging the hottest fucking broad on the planet right now? You know, live in the life that they want to live but can't. You know, as they strain in the upper deck to try to figure out what the fuck is going on. Yes, you're going to get called to faggot. Do I think it's right? No, I wish there was friendlier ball busting. I really wish that more people knew how to break balls.

And I'm including myself. More people knew when to shut the fuck up like me. You know, like I should have, I should have tapped out, but you know, I didn't. So anybody have any bad sporty, what's your worst experience as a fan? Like I can tell you, like back in the day, I would wear like a Red Sox hat to a Yankees game in Yankee Stadium. Before 2004, I would do it.

Because, you know, we had, what did we do to them? Except blow leads and lose. But once we fucking hung the biggest choke in professional sports history around that goddamn next, then it became a different thing. And then we won it again. And then all of a sudden I noticed it started getting hostile. I was like, all right, this isn't cool anymore. This isn't being taken as, this isn't a funny thing anymore.

This, I'm not the fucking, the fucking happy go lucky kid who's just hoping to see it once. I've seen it twice since the last time they won it. And I, it noticeably got ugly. The same way the Patriots Stadium went from an absolute fucking zoo to being this, this sort of classier place to go see a goddamn game when we were winning. And that was the thing. Anybody can be classy when they're winning. But you know, you see who your fans really are when you're fucking losing.

Like when the Patriots, I mean, the Red Sox finally beat the Yankees. And they didn't like when A-Rod slapped the ball down. They didn't like that they didn't get that call. Like they had been so many other fucking years that goddamn fans pulling routine fly balls into the fucking stands for home runs. Reggie Jackson leaning into the ball. They always get those calls. And all of a sudden they didn't get it.

And they threw fucking temper tantrum. Started littering the field, right? The classy Manhattanites that they are. So I don't know. Yeah. Yes. Basically all sports fans behavior needs to be, needs to improve. And it starts with me.

Just like that Michael Jackson song, huh? Starting with the man in the mirror. No wonder they pushed me purple on purple raincoat. I wasn't even fucking thinking I would have pushed me too. All right. Question of the week. Somebody wrote, Bill, why do you hate stoners? Oh yeah.

Because last week I was making fun of my stoner friend. I don't hate stoners. I was I don't like stoners who call me up and trash my life because they don't like their own. All right. Stop making it about yourself. All right. And this person actually wrote and thought that I smoked weed.

Which is that's one of the things that isn't annoying about stoners is after they smoke long enough, they think that the only way to have creative thought is to be sucking the dick of that plant. Well, I just lost my stoner pup. I just don't you know what it is? I don't like the fucking. I don't like putting smoke into my lungs. I just, you know, there's two things you don't want in your lungs. Okay.

You don't want smoke and you don't want water. So I wouldn't slowly inhale a glass of water. You know, and slowly drown myself over 60 years. I wouldn't do that either. But I have to admit I've tried weed a couple of times. I didn't try it till I was like 37 to how hilarious is that? And then I finally tried it and it was exactly what I was afraid of was I fucking loved it. But I just can't.

I just can't get that that image of that person smoking through the hole in their throat. I just, yeah, I don't want lung cancer. So I don't fuck with it. But it's a lot harder to see your liver shriveling up as you booze. Anyways, hey, Bill, have you seen the the infomercial for the I renew bracelet? I'm sure you have. It's this magic bracelet that makes you have better balance, strength, endurance, and sleep better. Hell, you might even be wearing one right now to bring the funny out in you.

It's a little piece of rubber with a shiny piece of metal on it. Probably cost $2 to make a hundred of them. It channels your body's energy or some shit. Maybe it works. I don't know. You know what's crazy? People are buying these things for $20 of pop. Someone is getting rich off this gimmick.

God bless them for finding an angle to make some dough. I think it's in the same category as the $50 gold coins for 10 bucks. Yeah, it's exactly it. I think whoever came up with that is a genius. And those really bad actors where they act like they can't stand upright. Yet somehow they were able to make it to the mall to go on film with those stupid bracelets. And the second they put the bracelet on, oh my god, it's amazing.

I can't believe it. Yeah, bracelets are a great way to go. You know what you do? Make a bracelet that actually says it'll make your dick bigger or it'll give you a flat tummy for the ladies. You know, something like that. I don't know. I'm getting sleepy again.

I told you some good stories here, haven't I? You know, the last time the Jets won the Super Bowl, Jim Brown was the all-time rusher. Leading rusher and behind him was Joe Perry. Not from Aerosmith, Joe Perry from 1948 or so. I don't even know the fuck he played for. The top three were Jim Brown, Joe Perry and Jim Taylor. Okay, the guy from fucking Aerosmith was second behind Jim Brown in rushing.

That's how long it's been since the Jets have won it. So yeah, you can't wear a Tom Brady jersey down there. By the way, thank God my Patriots fucking won tonight. Jesus Christ. And I'll tell you, as much as the score was lopsided, there's a lot of water leaking into that ship. Jesus Christ. I don't know what the fuck is with our defense,

but so much of the game we look like we're in a pre-vent. It's fucking ridiculous. So my big prediction this week, not my big prediction, my big question this week is if Ben Rothlisberger comes back, doesn't miss a goddamn step and just plays the way that guy can play. And that defense plays the way it's been playing. I put them atop the AFC. I would say that they are the team to beat.

The fact that they went three and one with a third string fucking quarterback. And basically, I mean, they lost them like the last play of the game. They were that close to going 4-0. That's how good their fucking defense is. And then not only that, that third string quarterback got all that experience. I'll tell you, if Big Ben comes in and just kicks ass and then they just stick them in an armored car and they drive them past all those Hooters and just get them home. I think the Steelers might be going for number seven.

How fucking badass would that be? That would be something. All right, here we go. I remember a couple of years ago, we were one Super Bowl behind them. I'm like, here we go. Steelers are next. We're going to catch them. And then what happened?

Nothing. Then they won two more. So we're fucking in the dust again. All right, asshole friends. I asked you guys for some stories about asshole friends. Here's one for you. I just wanted to say, right off the bat. Okay, where do I start this?

Fuck you guys, I'm tired. Where do I just start at the beginning? Just wanted to say, I know exactly what it's like to have a buddy who always seems to have shit in his diaper and just has that puppy dog looking his eye that says, hey, bro, can you deal with my shit before I get a rash? Last night, I was at a local bar just relaxing and enjoying a couple of beers with a girl I've been talking to and a buddy I hadn't seen in about a year. Mosey's on over.

I'm excited. You know, he's an old high school buddy and I'm expecting to have a good couple of good laughs with this guy right off the bat. I asked him how he's doing. Just expecting him to say, you know, say something like, good, how about you? Like any normal ice breaking human being, right? But he says, I say, how you doing? He just sighs.

And looks at his beer and then do his feet and I'm just like, God damn it. Here we go. He goes on about how his mommy kicked him out of the house that he's got something wrong with his neck that a heat pad won't get out. Something about a DUI. Then he has the nerve to complain how he got turned down for government assistant checks. It's like, have you ever heard of AIDS in Africa, motherfucker? Oh, Jesus, you went all the way to the end with that one.

Needless to say, I'm getting annoyed at this point. And I say, well, shit, man, you know, we all got to grow up. What a great fucking line. Then I offered to talk to my boss to try and get this guy a job so he can get back on his feet. He then looks offended, pissed off that he didn't rub his belly, wipe his bubbling lips and tell him everything was going to be just fine and throw a couple of quarters into his little tin cup. Exactly.

Exactly. How old are you? Fucking move out and get a goddamn job, you bum. So anyways, the guy announces, after the kid said, you know, we all got to grow up sometime, he announces, I wasn't born to be a slave dude. Fuck that noise. And I'm just thinking, yeah, maybe you shouldn't have been born at all as I turn back to my lady. I know that's a harsh thought, but when you're born with a fully functioning brain

and a nice area with a good educational system, with every opportunity in the world to not suck and you still apply for government assistance, it's like, do us tax rape victims a favor and do a triple Lindy Rodney Dangerfield style down a flight of fucking unforgiving stairs. All right. Yeah, I have to go with you on that one. Yeah, those guys are the fucking worst. I love that you said that to him too.

Well, you know, we all got to grow up sometime. I wasn't put on this earth to be a slave, man. What are you, a fucking king? Just going to sit around and have other people bring wealth to you? I don't know. I got no comeback for him. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm going to wrap this up.

Did I shut it off again? No, I did not. All right, let's wrap it up with a little overrated underrated and some YouTube videos for the week. Overrated, popular rap and hip hop music since 1994. If a six month old song is considered dated and dead, then it wasn't good to begin with. No one listens to Ja Rule or Nelly or 50 Cent anymore, just like no one will listen to Kanye West or Lil Wayne in five years.

If music were a food, then modern mainstream rap would be McDonald's. It's on every corner, easy to put together, and it gives grownups horrible diarrhea. All right, I don't know much about hip hop, but you don't think Lil Wayne? 50 Cent, no? Since 1994, what about Biggie? You didn't like any of his shit? There's a couple guys I know. Was it Nas Illmatic?

Wasn't that around then? I don't know about that album, but everybody says that album is unbelievable. I know what you're saying though. All these autotune fucking songs out there, I get it. I get it. All right, underrated. Not going out every weekend and spending $100 at a bar or a club. Yeah, I'm 21 and I'm supposed to get out there and have fun meeting new people and shit.

But like you said, it's hard to meet girls when it sounds like you've got a bass drum chilling in your ear, just nodding away at some broad. You know, you won't sleep. You know, won't sleep? What? Just nodding away at some broad you know you won't sleep with. And you're just hoping to God she didn't just ask you a question that requires an answer. Call me lame, but I'd rather hang out on a porch on a nice night with some good friends.

Sweet girls just fucking drinking a good beer. You writing a country song here? Hanging out on the front porch with some good friends and some sweet girls drinking some fucking good beer with the game on mute and a good conversation and rock and roll in a CD player. I'm not writing these lyrics. Maybe you won't wake up with a hole in your pocket. Bleeding ears. Let's do it for America.

Keep it up motherfucker. Yeah. All right, YouTube videos. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, dude. Yeah, chill at home, fucking trying to bang the girl next door. There you go. Save your money. I'm with that.

I am with that. I got a underrated not having a bunch of dumb whores with their tits and asses hanging out, run out on a football field during halftime. I want the old fucking school bands to come back out again. Did you see that horseshit tonight? You know, Kelly Rowland up in the stands. Is that who it was? The girl from Destiny's Child?

Where my survivors at? Where my survivors at? Where my survivors at? Ah, gives a fuck. Who gives up? And she's up in the stand like they're desperately trying to make music without a band. Interesting. I'm sick of it.

I want musicians to come back, you know? And I want them to play in musical fucking atmospheres. I don't want to see you in a fucking football game. Get a goddamn hundred man marching band to come out there, right? Just play the old school songs. Ba-da-ba-da, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, yeah, but that's shit. I need you fucking coming out there with you goddamn shit talking about breast cancer. I understand.

I know it's a problem. You didn't write your fucking song for breast cancer. You're trying to use breast cancer now to sell some more fucking CDs? Because that other one with the awful voice is selling more than you. Is that what you're doing? How is that less offensive than Janet Jackson's titty coming out as fucking beyond me? Tell you that right now, you know? All those fucking whores walking around with their fucking asses and titties hanging out,

you know? Why don't you fucking get a goddamn job, you dumb whores? Jesus fuck. What would you be doing if you didn't have half your goods hanging out of your fucking shorts? You know, do you have any fucking talent whatsoever? You can do a split. Great. Fantastic.

Does that mean you got to put on some cowboy boots and get stuck to the goddamn Astro Turf in front of 80,000 fucking people on Monday Night Football? I don't think it does. I don't think it means that at all. I think that's a sign that you suck as a musician. If you sing at halftime at a football game, that pretty much means either you suck, your music sucks, or you've completely sold out as a goddamn musician. All right, and that goes to those fucking cunts who played the Super Bowl 2.

I don't give a shit. Fucking Bruce Springsteen screaming about dip and then sliding around on his fucking knees like he's not 60. Jesus Christ. He got some good plastic surgery, right? That guy was like 35, 45, 55, 56, 41. He's 41 again. I don't know how the fuck he did it.

He got his face yanked back and it actually looks good. You know why? Because they practiced on all those real housewives of fucking New Jersey and Orange County and all that shit. That's what they did. They practiced on their faces and they went ugh. Let's not do that again. All right, let's scratch that technique off the list. Let's try this.

That's a little bit better. She only looks like half a lizard. That's what you got to do. Like I said, it's like fucking hair plugs. Hair plugs in the goddamn 90s looked horrific. And now I got to tell you, these guys swimming around in the pools, you know, aside from the psychotic look in their eye like do I look okay? Other than that, their hairline, I can't tell.

All right, YouTube videos for the week. I was talking about those free climbers or jumpers or whatever the fuck it was. Free runners. I wanted to see a chase scene and somebody said here's a video. District B13. Chase scene. I have more. These are just weird videos this week.

Okay, that's actually a cool one. Here's a weird one. Proper possum pedicure. Search that. And then this is one I swear to God, I didn't even think it was real. But look up Sweet Home Alabama. And there's some lady. Singing it.

Just scroll down past all the Leonard Skinnerd and just look for the fat woman with one tooth. And for some reason, I don't think that she realized that I got a million and a half hits. And here's another one. Look up fake rapture prank. This is all one word. Fake rapture, R-A-P-T-U-R-E prank. All one word. It's basically, do you guys know what the rapture is?

Oh gee. Do you know what that is? That's basically when Jesus, right before Jesus comes back. Now correct me if I'm wrong people in Florida. I guess right before he comes back, like people who are going to come go to heaven. Like they're going to be sitting across from you like fucking absentmindedly, like picking their nose, thinking about, you know, what they're going to do that evening. And then all of a sudden they're just not going to be there.

But their clothes will be there. Because evidently you have to be naked to go to heaven, right? So your clothes are going to be there, just left behind. And then everybody who's not going to heaven gets left behind. And then the whole world turns into like the, that island on survivor, where I think there's only one person who's going to win. I don't know what you can try to do to redeem yourself, but basically Jesus is coming back and this time he's not asking any questions.

There'll be no miracles, no fucking seven o'clock show where he does the fish trick with the basket, no walking on water, none of that horseshit. He's coming back like fucking Paul Cursey, right? Is that the name? Is that fucking Charles Bronson's name in the Death Wish movies? He's coming back to fucking kick the shit out of all the sinners. Me, he's coming back to slap me around a little bit and then throw me into the fiery pits of hell. So they found this Jesus freak girl and these Jesus freak people thought it would be funny

to fake the rapture and make this fucking Jesus freak chick think that she got left behind. And the fact that this girl is an adult and gets this freaked out is really the sad state of what organized religion does to somebody. That somebody this old could get freaked out by something like this is fucking beyond me. And it's tragic. Oh, speaking of that, somebody, I can't find where it was. Somebody wanted me to ask me about that story where those college kids, these college kids taped this other kid, either having sex or fooling around.

This other college kid, and it turned out he was with another dude. So then the kid was so humiliated because I guess he wasn't out that he went to the George Washington Bridge and killed himself. And I guess somebody wanted me to comment on that. That's obviously, yeah, that's one of those fucking things where it's like, even though they're adults, they're still kids. And I don't think that I don't think that people understand, even at that age, I just don't think that a lot of people understand the ramifications of what they're doing sometimes.

Like how first of all, how fucked up it is to just film somebody, the invasion of privacy that that is. And then when you discover this about this person, just the level of humiliation that I don't know why you would do that to somebody. But so for an unprecedented third time, the fucking batteries die. I got a bootleg bag, a fucking thing of Duracelles here. So let me wrap it up here. Yeah, as a fucking free thinking adult, I would never do something like that to somebody. But at that age, what I had the courage to be like, guys, this is fucking wrong.

Don't do that. Like I don't think I would have to be honest. I hate to say that about myself, but I wasn't a strong individual back then. As I think a lot of people aren't at that age, which is tragically how something like that unfolds. But what's going to be fucked up is the amount of people getting on their high horse, forgetting what you like at that age and how so much of it is trying to keep the humiliation off of you. It's a lot of humiliation in your teen years, actually your childhood right up through those

years. So you finally just accept who the fuck you are, which is what that kid never got a chance to do, which is really sad thing and then freak the fuck out and it made a really bad decision. So yeah, it's a fucking tragic story, obviously, but I don't like how people, once they are an adult and comfortable in their own fucking skin and who they are, will then turn around and they're going to start yelling at these fucking kids like they would have been strong enough to go against the mob. It's fucked up, all right?

You're dealing with kids who are technically adults, but mentally, they don't understand. What are they thinking? Oh, this is going to be funny, and then we'll have the most hits on our fucking YouTube page and then maybe everyone will come to our house party and then we'll get laid, right? I mean, do they really think anywhere beyond that? You don't really think that, okay, this is a fucking huge secret we just unraveled on this kid. This kid has family, this kid has friends, this kid has a life. You don't think that shit.

You just, I don't know, it's that residual fucking playground shit. So I don't know, man. I know, that's a fucking off. What the fuck did I bring that story up in the end? It was already a fucking brutal enough week. I don't know what the fuck did I go that route? All right, let's fucking get off that subject.

All right, that's the podcast this week. My DVD, my DVD comes out tomorrow, Tuesday the 5th in stores, whatever stores still sell it, and makes a great stocking stuffer, as I said, for someone that you have to buy a gift for, but don't particularly like, or if somebody you do like. And I gotta tell you, this is really totally different than the special that you saw on TV, if you've already seen it. They really took out two huge bits, and then I had other bits that we just have on there as extras. And I would really appreciate it if you check it out, if you buy it, that would be awesome.

And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Once again, thanks to everybody who came out to see me at the Egg in Albany, and everybody who came out to see me out in Buffalo, and that is it. Everybody have a good week, and yeah, don't be fucking videotaping people, trying to humiliate them, all right? And if you wear the, yeah, let's see what we got this week, and don't fucking wear the jersey or the hat of a team that kicks the shit out of another team

and go into their goddamn stadium and expect that you're going to be treated even remotely human. All right, and that's it. That's fucking it. How do you like that fucking Jets fans? We're fucking patriots are slowly coming back together. I still don't, I don't still don't believe yet. I still don't fucking believe yet. I still think the Jets are going to win the goddamn division as much as I hate to say it.

But I still, I think if Ben comes back, they have my hope, because I think the Colts are reeling. I'm hoping, this is how much I fucking hate the Jets. I'm actually going to root for the fucking Steelers. Those cunts who always talk about Bill Belichick filming the other team and completely ignore that the Super Steelers of the 70s were fucking roided out of their minds. Out of their fucking minds. You don't believe me?

Go ask Fran Tarkenton. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.