Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-5-17

Episode Date: October 6, 2017

Bill rambles about bum fights, sliders and left tackles.

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I'm just checking on you. I hope this isn't too loud. Hope it doesn't make too much noise. I'm on the road. So you get even more of the bootleg experience. Echo. For some reason I am in a hotel room that has, I would say, oh, if I had to guess, 18 foot ceilings. And no, this is not some super swanky frigging place. I think it's just an old building and people were shorter back then. Walking around in wool suits. Oh, you know what it was? They wore hats. They wore big hats back then. That was the deal. It was like probably no one guys is probably know whoever had the biggest fancy is hat.

That the women back then with their hoop skirts are probably all like, well, he probably got he's probably got all the money. He's probably got all kinds of money. Right. Of course, you know, psychologists would probably say that it was that was all about dick size. You know what I mean? I don't think any guy really thinks about dick size unless he has a little dick. Other than that, if you fucking, you know, it's like I'm an average runner. I never think of, no, I actually was and I was slow and I never even thought about that. You know what the reality comes down to? It's not about dick size. It's about how much fucking money you make.

I mean, you meet some broad in a bar. What does she say? How big is your dick? She doesn't. She says, what do you do? All right. Are you worth my time tonight? You know, and even she's out there just trolling for some cock. You know what I mean? You're doing a little fucking checking your feet and your hands, maybe taking a glance down to see how you're hanging, right? If you were some dockers and you were sitting down. I don't know how the fuck they would tell, right?

She showed up in the bar in sweatpants. At some point, even if she's out there just to get banged, she is going to ask you what you fucking do. They can't help. And then I guess part of it is, you know, you want to get past the awkward conversation. And that is, you know, what do you do is also like, you know, hey, can you believe this weather? Hey, can you believe this weather? What do you do? How big is your dick? You know, bang, bang, bang, and they go right down the thing. And then that's when they determine if there's going to be a white one night stand, if they're going to pretend, you know, that they're not just some size queen. And that, you know, maybe they go, they'll start talking about their family.

You know what I mean? That's when you know you're fucked. They start talking about their family. It's like, oh, God, not this. I was hoping you were just going to treat me like a piece of meat. Now you want to have a fucking relationship? Fuck, I should have lied about my job. I don't know what I'm talking about. As always, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm contractually obligated, even though there's no contract on this podcast. It's a verbal contract, and I honor it. Unlike what happened to Jakey Lee and a bunch of other musicians when they played with for a certain somebody that everybody thinks is cute.

Oh, Sharon, Sharon, I can't find my glasses. Oh, see, remember all that shit? I went down a fucking Jakey Lee, Randy Rhodes. I don't know what you call it. Round down a rabbit hole. And then that led me to reading up. I always read up on that fucking case with the original drummer and bass player. Never got paid on, you know, was it Blizzard of Oz and Diary of a Madman? Is it one of the two albums? I don't fucking know. And they actually asked for the money for paying on those things, so they fucking, oh wait, they ended up buying the rights to the album? It was fucking, it was like a mini-series. It was like the OJ trial, except with like recording.

So then the Ozzie camp re-recorded the drums and the bass on it. It's fucking unreal. Let me look that shit up. Let me look that up here as I'm just sitting here babbling. But anyways, Jakey Lee, what a fucking player. I know Randy Rhodes is just unreal, but Jakey Lee never gets a fucking shout out. It goes, it goes from fucking, you know, obviously Hendricks, you know, and then they'll throw some Clapton in there. Then they go to Jimmy Page and then boom, then it's like Eddie Van Halen. There's like before Eddie and after Eddie when it comes to white guy shredders. And then they always go to Randy Rhodes and then they skip right past. It seems they skip right past Jakey Lee and then they go right to that guy from White Lion.

I don't know what, I don't know what it is. No, because then I think they get into the fucking speed metal guys. I have no idea. All right, let's see. Drummer for Blizzard of Oz. Blizzard of Ozzie. Yeah, Lee Kirk's Lake. By the way, just let himself go to hell. Christ Almighty. He looks like he's sold tires this whole fucking life. That's how much stress this whole thing. Case took on the guy. All right, after being fired. Wait a minute, where are we? Where are we? List of Osborne band members. He doesn't even have his own fucking Wikipedia page.

Jesus Christ, did Ozzie has some fucking guitarist or what? Randy Rhodes, Jakey Lee, Zach Wilde, Steve Vai. I don't know any of these other fucking guys. Rudy Saazo on bass. Come on, man. Isn't that crazy? He had both fucking bass players, surviving bass players from Metallica, Robert Trujillo. He came in and re-recorded the basses, basses, re-recorded the bass, I guess. Jason Newstead.

Tommy Aldridge. I ran into him in fucking Belgium. Freaked him out because I was freaking out. And then I didn't ask for a picture and he looked relieved. It's just like, sorry, man. Thank you for all the great music you've given me. I really appreciate it. He goes, all right, cool. And that was it. All right, I'm going to get off this fucking subject. I'm sorry. Anyways, I am in St. Petersburg, Florida tomorrow night. However, tonight, I am in Tampa to say,

I'm going to see the Patriots play at Joe Robbie Stadium, whatever the fuck they call it up here. Donovan Smith fucking Memorial Stadium. I don't know what you call it. Tampa, the fucking Pirates of the Caribbean Stadium. What the fuck is the name of it? It actually has a regular name. The fucking Tampa goddamn fucking Tampa football stadium. I know it. I know this fucking name. But anyways, this is the last one I have to go to. There we go. Football stadium. Come on. Come on. What's it? Raymond James. Raymond James Stadium.

This is the last of the 32 professional football teams that I need to see a home game of. This would be the 34th one that I've been to because I went to St. Louis Rams and also the San Diego Chargers. And then they both moved to LA and I went to those games because I have a problem. So I'm looking for this is going to be fucking awesome Thursday night football. They're going to get out there and they're under rooms wearing all the same colored fucking clothes. I want the Patriots go with blue rather than red. The red on red. Jesus Christ. It's just I don't know. Somebody's going to have to wear it because I think that but maybe Tampa will go with the gray. I don't know, guys.

I think that they should have a fashion runway to start it. So of course, the big the big question you got to ask, you know, I'm always into fucking. I'm a cunt, you know what I mean? So I don't give a fuck about the wide receivers. I don't give a shit about your quarterback. So you're running back. What's going on at the offensive line? For Christ's sake, if you can't defend your fucking quarterback and you can't fucking blow open some goddamn holes, you're not going to make any passes or running. I'll tell you right now, you're not going to run any yard in this fucking league.

I got to be quiet because this thing is echoing so loud here. So what does it come down to the fucking diva, the offensive line? All right, the rock star, the one that makes all the fucking money. Nobody cares about the fucking guards. Nobody gives a shit about the center. Nobody gives a fuck about the right tackle. It's all about the left tackle in the NFL, protecting the blind side, unless you have a lefty, unless you have a lefty. How many lefty NFL fucking quarterbacks are there and how pissed is the left tackle on that fucking line? You know, he finally gets his name shouted out.

The Naked Soldier, right? How do you say his name? Naked Soldier. He's only been with us for fucking ever. They just never say his name because he rarely fucks up. Donovan Smith, let's give him that new thing. No one the left tackles. No one who's making the money up there on the offensive line. So according to the scouting report, Donovan Smith, Penn State guys, Penn State guys always, always solid football players. Just a great program up there when they're not up there touching kids. They just do wonderful things, wonderful goddamn things, you know, when they're not snapping towels and unsuspecting eight-year-olds.

Sorry, Penn State, you fucking earned it, all right? And you know, good and goddamn well, despite what happened up there, you still want to see the Jopah statue come back. And what does that say about you? What does that say about statues? You know what I do love about, you know, Penn State and it's not the molestation of children. What I love, you're going to get it. I'm going to give the Catholic Church shit. I got to give it to you too. You know what I mean?

Penn State football program was like the Catholic Church fucking slider. You know what I mean? Like the Catholic Church is like the big burger with the bacon on it when it comes to fucking raping kids. But, you know, just sheer number. You know, if you looked at molested kids like you were counting calories, all right? They're definitely that Wendy's triple cheeseburger, the Catholic Churches, where Penn State is just, you know, little sliders. I'm just going to have, I'm just going to nibble. I told myself I've been doing so great at the gym I could cheat tonight, but I'm just going to fucking nibble.

What I do love about the Penn State, I realize it wasn't everybody up there who was raping children. Okay, now that's when you know your, I know that's when you know your program is in trouble when in order to defend it, you have to say, hey, not everybody was up there raping kids. All right, I just like that they have the basic, simple fucking uniforms. Okay, because I got to be honest with you. The first time I saw those Oregon ducks, those crazy uniforms, I was like, what the fuck is that? And then after a while, I kind of liked them like, ah, you know, that's kind of cool, whatever. But now it's just become a fucking fashion show.

And there's a bunch of shitty fucking football programs out there. You know who I'm talking about? University of Illinois. Where the fuck do you get off with that disco ball in your head? Like you've ever even sniffed a Big Ten championship since we were even in fucking Vietnam. Let's look that up right now. Let's look that up right fucking now. When was the last time that basketball school won a Big Ten championship? I can't fucking talk. All right, University of Indiana.

Was I saying Illinois? Sorry, Indiana. Last Big Ten football. I guarantee you we were in covered wagons here. Football championship. I guarantee you the starting 11 were all white guys. Indiana, who's your football? Here we go. This ought to be a quick Wikipedia page. All right. Why am I picking on these guys?

All right. Location, conference, bull record, three and eight, conference titles, two. They won one in 1945. Ba-ba-do-bo-bo-bo-ba-dee-ba-da-ba-do-ba-do-boo-boo. We won the war. Let's all make kids. Let's all cure diseases. Then we'll have a bunch of hurricanes. Cos we're throwing plastic in the ocean.

1967. I will not seek, nor will I accept. A second term as your present. Who the fuck does LBJ sing in sunshine of your life? Who should be, is more importantly, probably the question. So anyways, I'm going to the fucking game tonight. Look for Jameson Winston to have a career day, because our defense is like the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Opposing quarterback, what is your dream? Gee, I've always wanted to throw for 400 yards. No problem. Not only are we going to make that happen, we're going to do it in the first half. Ba-ba-ba-ba-bo-do-boo-doo-doo-doo. All right. Go fuck yourself. Now I just trashed my own team. Before you guys all get all butt hurt.

No fucking pun intended. All right. About me making fun of your goddamn team. Donovan Smith is the left tackle for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He is from Penn State. He is evidently according to the one scouting report that I looked up, has yet to live up to his potential. Quick-footed, very athletic for his size, has great hands,

but has yet to live up to his potential. Now I don't know if that's true or not, but if he is, then I am going to, I want to nominate him for the Dwight Howard. Not Dwight. Dwight. White people. Dwight Howard. Not white Dwight. Black Dwight. Dwight.

All right. Howard. Given the Dwight Howard Award. Every time you look at Dwight Howard, you got to be thinking what the fuck is wrong with that guy. That guy is like, he's like a fucking superhero. He's so goddamn big and so strong. It's like, why don't you just steal one move from Kevin McHale, two from Akeem Alajuan, and just dominate the fucking league?

I don't know what he does all day. He looks like he does curls and goes to the barbershop. Ter is always perfect. He's always fucking shredded, but he just, there's no fire in the man's game. You know, when you go and you play pickup hoop, right, like I've done that in this decade. I can't remember last time I played pickup hoop,

but the fucking worst was, if you got that little fella guarding you on defense, you know what I mean? And you fucking, the fucking guy was just all over you. You know what I mean? His fucking junk was right on your leg. It's like, I get it. I get it. You're taking this seriously.

Will you get the fuck off me? Just D and you're up full court fucking press. It's like, buddy, we're just out here to fucking burn off some calories. You know, we all ate a Caesar salad and then just figured out the dressing. It was like eating a fucking burger. Can you just, can you let me just run to the fucking half court line? Anyways, so, yeah, I don't know what the fuck is going on

with our defense. I have no idea. As I mentioned, as I mentioned on our last podcast, our safeties in our corner, one of our corners, they've all played with each other for fucking years. And the only new guy is this Stefan Gilmore. And I can't imagine that the entire defense is going to shit because of one fucking cornerback.

I'll have to watch tonight, sitting up high. What does he play? Does he play on the right side of the defense? I don't know. All I know is Tampa doesn't have any fucking sacks for this year. I kept looking up. There's no fucking way they have no sacks. We're into October.

They have no sacks. You know, are they protesting? I don't know what, violence against fucking white quarterbacks? You never know with the NFL. It's always about a cause. They finally got rid of the pink. Now it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As if nobody was aware that there was domestic violence.

You know, I'll tell you what's fucked up is anytime professional football player beats his wife, it becomes national fucking news. Okay, yet a plumber can slap his wife around through a fucking 25, 30 year marriage and you're never going to hear about it on ESPN. Are you? No, you are not. And what are they going to do? They're going to create this false fucking image that athletes are the only ones out

there who occasionally flip out when there's ranch dressing rather than blue cheese for their buffalo wings, right? God forbid if an athlete does something, it's all over the fucking news. But if an accountant accountant fucking starts shaking his wife a little bit too much in case, you know, does ESPN, do they cover that? Does the NFL suspend that accountant? No, they do not. So I want to ask you how much does ESPN, how much does the NFL truly care until they start

covering the domestic violence done by all men, comedians too. I'll tell you right now, I put my wife in a triangle right before I went on the road. I said this house is going to be clean when I get home. This isn't a funny topic. This should not be joked about I'm now going to fucking grandstand about it as I wear clothes that were made in a sweatshop because I care. I got my wife with a good one yesterday. I text her, I text her, hey, when I get back to town, I'm going to take you to Barney's.

You know, it's this fancy clothing place, right? That I never heard about until there was a woman in my life. And that is a 100% truth. And then they turn around and they wonder why every once in a while they catch your backhand. We're taking callers. Yeah, it's a fancy place. This clothing store called Barney's. So I text her, you know, because now that I have the little one, my little Boo Bear,

the level of guilt that I have when I go on the fucking road. I mean, I got to ask other parents, like, when do you hit the ceiling of the love that you feel for your kid? It's like every day it just keeps, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, you know, I don't watch Game of Thrones, but like every year when the new season comes out, like the fucking excitement gets higher. And I always think, well, at some point it's got to level off. And it's not happening. So like, if you've never had a kid coming home to your kid is the same level of excitement of these nerds on Twitter

when a new season of Game of Thrones comes out. Okay, the same falsetto, excitement goes into your voice. It's unbelievable. So I have a tremendous amount of guilt when I leave now, but I mean, everybody's got to eat. So I got to, you know, I mean, a plumber keeps plumbing his sinks, right? So what the fuck was my point? Coming home. Oh yeah.

So I have all this guilt. I text Nia. I said, Hey, Nia, when I get home, when I get back, I'm taking it to Barney's. And she goes, she's like, Oh my God, explanation, excellent point. She goes, really? And then I text back, Beanery. Oh my God, what the good one. She's such a hot shit.

She fucking laughed her ass off. Barney's Beanery, by the way, is an LA eatery out here where they give you a completely irresponsible level of food when you go in there. Irresponsible if you care about human life, a heroic portion of food. If you're truly informed and concerned about the environmental issues that are about to hit us. Last week, I was writing for Hurricane Monthly. And if you look up that article, recently I want to doctor it at Massa Soya Community College. And now I feel I know things. So of course now I'm going to have people refer to me as a doctor for the rest of my life.

Like Bill Cosby. Didn't Bill Cosby always do that? Doctor Bill Cosby. It's like, dude, you got an honorary degree. Unless I'm out of my fucking mind. I shouldn't have said his name. Speaking of Penn State. Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Jesus, Jesus. Everybody's just getting trashed on this one. Well, you know what? I'm a little grumpy, okay? I took a fucking rent out. You know what's funny? I'm sitting there saying I missed my kid, but I'm still a selfish cunt. Came out here a day early to go to a football game to fucking, well, you know what?

I still have to have my hobbies. I'm a big believer in that. You got to be a little selfish. Still is a dad. All right, Bill. Talk yourself off the guilt ledge. Give yourself the free fucking pass here. No, you still have to have your fucking hobby.

You know, something to look forward to when your kid, your fucking bundle of joy finally falls asleep. You know what I mean? Everybody goes, hey, when your kid sleeps, you sleep. You know what I say? I say, fuck that. You go out in the garage. You play a couple of paradiddles.

All right? You go on the internet and you learn how to play crazy train. That's what you do. Okay? You know what sleep is for? Sleep is for liberals that care about other, air quote, care about other people. Okay? If you look at conservative people, those people never sleep.

Okay? Because they don't like anybody and they just sit there staring out their fucking window. Even if they have a conservative next door neighbor, they do not trust them. Okay? Because they are type A. Can you be a type A liberal? I don't know what type A is. Type A is fucking annoying.

You know what I mean? That's basically what it is. Type A is the kind of person that needs a fucking entourage. Right? Type A is the kind of person that goes through the security line at the airport. Right? And when he gets to the other side, takes all this fucking shit out and doesn't fucking get his bin out of the fucking way.

He doesn't give a shit. It's all about him. You know? If you broke, if you did like a fucking airport security combine. Okay? And you watch me go through, rather than run in the 40-yard desks, it's you getting, you're getting ready to get all your shit off and your fucking laptop out. Okay?

I would test off the fucking charts. Of course, I'll always be the slow fucking white dude that I am. But when I get to the other fucking side. All right? When I get to the other side, after I've been fucking slowly cooked in that little microwave that they stick in, which you know something I've actually just given it to at this point. If they want to slowly kill me, I say good.

I say good for them. You know why? Because we're overpopulated. And who am I to say that I should still be here? Let the lizard people fucking kill everybody and start over again with the robots we're taking callers. So I get through. When I get on the other side, that's when Bill Belichick is going to draft me.

When everybody else looks past me. Okay? With my Bunker Hill Community College educational background. Just given all kinds of community colleges shots out from Massachusetts. Shout outs this week. This Thursday. This is when Bill Belichick will finally smile like the Grinch at the end of the Grinch Stole Christmas is when he saw me fucking not only get my fucking bins, I grab everybody

else's bins and mumble, come on people. Loud enough for people to hear, but not loud enough for anyone to address me. Right? And he sees that I lead by example. But the level of judging that I do when I go through the fucking airport security line and when you fucking take your shit out of the bin and you just fucking leave it there, I'm like you are a selfish fucking cunt. You're a terrible mother.

You're a terrible father. You're a terrible fucking person. Okay? And if I was as blessed as that fat fucking North Korea to be running everything and stealing all the ham, keeping it all for myself, right? He gets a haircut every day that selfish fuck. As all these people are fucking starving probably because of the economic sanctions that the free world has placed upon him.

And he's like fuck that. I'm the leader. I get all the pork chops. I need to stay clear between my big butcher block fucking head. All right? I need to stay clear to know when it is, when it's time because we're dealing with the loon. I wonder how scared they are of Trump. This is kind of fun.

This is like we're matching crazy homeless guy to crazy homeless guy. Remember those things, bum fights? That's what's going on at the fucking political level. This is a bum fight. All right? Don't let the uniform in the fucking suit, which a lot of people will say is a uniform. A lot of people in the liberal arts major of a college will say that it is a uniform, that it is a boys club, that it is a system that needs to be shut down.

And they'll say this as they don't wear a fucking bra or that tits swinging to and fucking fro as if they're making a statement. I love that thing that women want to do, like the women that are rejecting bras. This is some sort of restricted thing. It's like, hey, we were doing you a favor. We already stare at your titties enough. If you want to walk around with your nipples sticking out of your fucking shirt, if you ever think that that's going to get fucking old on our side of the fence,

I say you remove your bras and you remove them now. You know, I should do more podcasts with 50 foot ceilings. I think my ego just that there's finally enough space in a room for my fucking head. I'm excited. I'm going to a football game tonight. My last one, my last one that I have to go to and I've been to all the baseball, all of the football. Who the fuck can say that?

You think I'm going to stop there? I'm not. I'm going to see all the hockey and all the basketball. You think I'm going to stop there? I'm not. I went to the Daytona 500. I'm going to Talladega next year. I've been to the Kentucky Derby.

I don't give a, this is what I'm doing the fucking road. I'm going to every bread and circus, put your fucking thoughts on hold, sporting event that this great nation has. And when I'm done here, I'm going overseas. Huh? You think I'm, you think, you do think I'm fucking above going to a cricket match? Arguably the greatest drinking game ever, ever created. If you go to a traditional one and takes a fucking week to play,

you can literally go in a week long fucking bender and your wife can't say anything. It's like, what honey? I told you I was going to the game. Am I allowed to have a little bit of fun in life? NHL starts tonight. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And I believe, I heard through the grapevine that ESPN got the Formula One contract for next year. So ESPN, can you do me a favor?

Can you please not apply your progressive formula, whatever the fuck it is that you're doing? I know you're taking on water over there because everybody's watching sports on the app. But can you please, can you please keep Formula One, the international gem that it is? Can you please not replace everybody and get a bunch of Americans in there, right? One from each race like they do on the MTV real world and then you have a woman running it, whatever it is. And then in the end, you feel good about yourselves before you go back to your white, your whites only gated community. I'm fucking with you. I don't give a shit.

Just, I don't give a fuck if it's all women. I don't give a fuck if everybody's swahilin', helium, however you say it. Can you just get somebody out there that knows what the fuck they're talking about and can deliver their points without screaming movie quotes? Okay? Can you do that? Can you do that without going around the horn and having some fucking goddamn air raid siren going off for fucking every 20 minutes? That fucking show, if anybody can explain to me how points are earned and lost on that show, I swear to God you should be running this nation. Alright?

Why are you guys listening? This is just the ramblings of a crabby old man. I'll tell you, you know something I don't understand? I don't understand why the internet every fucking day has to tell me that this is the greatest fucking thing that I'm ever going to see. And I also don't understand why I'm so fucking stupid like a moth flying towards a fucking bright light in the middle of the night. I always click on it and it always underwhelms me. Like the Shannon Sharpe thing this week. What the fuck was so fucking amazing about that?

I'm on that mild and that hand dog and everybody, like the one that I clicked on was, and it was at this moment that Shannon Sharpe became the president of the United States. He's putting a cheap cigar in his mouth, making a reference to the boozy likes. That's the greatest thing that ever happened. I mean, I guess, I don't know. You tell me, you tell me like that, that's better than when Ozzie played live on that fucking TV show. He looks like a basic cable show. And he came out with a track suit that said Ozzie on it in case he forgot what his fucking name was. And he had Rudy Sarzo on bass, Randy Rhodes on guitar and fucking Tommy Aldridge on drums.

And you see, you see like Ozzie literally turning around in awe of his own fucking band. You're telling me that a guy taking a Dutch master. And one thing if he had the fucking bottle of booze right there, you know what it is, Bill? It's just young people having fun and you're taking it literally. And you know what you're doing? You're doing what you said you always weren't going to do, which is you were not going to hang around young people. You knew that your time had come and gone and you're going to let them have their fucking fun. You know what?

So I apologize. You guys are absolutely right. That was the greatest thing that ever happened and he should be the next, well, I mean, the next leader. That would be actually a great fucking thing if you had him as leader. And then he was communicating with that guy in North Korea. Then the guy in North Korea could not get mad because he could not understand what the fuck Shannon Sharpe's talking about. Do you remember in World War II when we had like Native Americans speaking and communicating shit and the Japanese couldn't crack it? Yeah, Shannon Sharpe is the modern day version of that.

I'll never understand it. I don't want us to, because I could understand every fucking word that he said as a pro. He was fucking hilarious, you know, sending the Patriot missiles and all that. The second he became a commentator, I don't know what happened. All right, Lou Crate. It's like he stuck his tongue in a fucking beehive. All right, Lou Crate, be the envy. Give me the loop.

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Oh, he's right, my fault. Okay, I thought he was getting in at fucking six o'clock in the game was at fucking seven. I was like, you're going to go straight to the game? All right. Hang on a second. My fault. I thought the game was at seven. All right, now I got them all fucking nervous.

All right, that's it. Oh, good. I got time to do my first elliptical. Now that I fucking, oh, did I tell you guys I got my first MRI? I got one on my shoulder and then I got one on my calf to make sure I don't have any blood clots from whatever the fuck I did to my leg. You know what I mean? I didn't want to stroke out while I was doing fucking jumping jacks.

So anyways, Jesus Christ, it's fucking hilarious. You go in there and sometimes they let you use headphones. What I've heard, but my place that I went to, which by the way was fucking hilarious. I walk in and the chick behind the desk is all tatted up and I'm like, like to the point. It's like, do you play in a band? If you don't, you should. She looked like a rock star, but she's wearing scrubs. You know, that should have been my first red flag.

Like what kind of fucking medical place is this? I mean, she was cool as shit, but I'm just saying, you know, so then I go down there and when I get out, it's cash only. The second of businesses cash only and there's not a bunch of Italians running it. I'm like, all right, what the fuck is going on here? There's something about Italians cash only. You know what I mean? It's just, it's like, oh, that piece of America that's now gone. It's actually quaint, but everybody else.

What kind of fucking kind of shit is going on here? All right. So that's the podcast here. Oh, look at that. I gave you 45 minutes on a Thursday. That's it. Oh, Billy. No fun.

49 days. No boozing. No fucking boozing. Oh, Jesus. I gotta take this call. All right. Have a great weekend. And I'll, I'll talk to you on Monday there.

All right. We're moving down here. The age of 18. She do the boys away with more than they had seen. I was introduced, and we both started grooving. She said I dig it, baby, but it got to keep moving. Last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain.

I feel something creeping in and out. Tired of this town again. Wife's family. The secret upstairs. All right. Hey, Bill, love the podcast and all the bullshit. So I've been dating this lady who I completely love. Can't get enough of her.

We've been going out for a solid two years now. Good for you. There has always been a rule at her house. She lives with her parents because she's in a program in order to become a vet tech. So money is tight for her. That I am not allowed to go upstairs ever. All right. Being a guy, I have no problem with this.

I'll bend her over the pool table and her Jesus Christ, dude. This took a left turn. I'll bend her over the pool table her father built because fuck it. If you try to stop me from banging her in the bed, I'll just find another way. All right, dude, what did that have to do with what you're talking about? You got me all interested in why can't you go upstairs like this is big mystery. Now all of a sudden you're like, well, fine. I'll bend her over the fucking hot water heater downstairs.

You can't stop me. All right. I'm hoping you're going to get back on track here. That was like a weird B story because so I finally get annoyed at this whole no upstairs policy and decide to do a little investigating. Well, aren't you just a nosy little cunt? Did you finally get annoyed of the rules of a house that isn't yours? You know what, sir?

So this far into your email, I don't like you. I don't like that whole shit. Well, you haven't your disrespecting her father and saying, I'm going to fuck your daughter over the pool table that you built. All right, that's supposed to be internal monologue. You're not supposed to share that with others. Anyways, no one in the house at this point, by the way. Oh, there's no one in the house.

Why can't you guys help me out? You know, I suck at reading. Okay. There's no one in the house at this point, by the way. I work third shift. So they leave me the fuck alone between 8am to 3pm. I went upstairs and I find garbage in the hallway. Every room is filled with junk and there's only one way to enter it.

This is every room. Her parents' room, hers, the office, it's all a complete nightmare. Just waiting for TLC to show up. Now, giving you that, how can I approach this ordeal with her? I love her to death and she may be moving in with me sometime between the next few months. This shit is not going to fly with me, but I know that if a resident gets that bad, that there is something wrong with them mentally. She has always been messy, but then again, I'm a fucking cop who doesn't have time to clean up my place.

So maybe this is the calm before the storm with this chick. Um, yeah, that's really fucked up. Now, all right. Well, you know something? You already broke the seal. This is what I would do. This is so fucking creepy. If you, if you really want to make a go with this girl, I guess, I guess I would go back up there again.

And I go into her room and just have a look around and look like if that's some parent shit or if that's her shit. You know what I mean? Um, and if it's her shit, I would be, uh, ah, Jesus, this is fucking brutal. The thing, you know what the big thing is, is the fact that the downstairs is immaculate. So they're, they're, they're only halfway down the rabbit hole. Um, I don't know, dude. You know what? This is your tree.

You're fucking sitting in it. I don't, there's no way to bring up that you went upstairs without just saying, I went upstairs. What are you going to say? Well, the bath, the toilet, this is what, this is what you do. This is what you do. You clog up the bathroom downstairs. All right. Just clog up the fucking toilet downstairs.

I don't know how you do it, but just clog that fucker up. Okay. And then just say, I had to take a shit. There was nowhere else to go. I had to do it. Right. And then you just say you went upstairs, saw what the fuck it was, and then you went back downstairs. All right.

So that's what you do. Clog up the toilet and just blame it on the fact that you had to take a shit. Why am I helping you with this lie? That was funny to me. Who gives a fuck? There you go. And that's what you do. And then address it.

All right. Or you just man up and just say, listen. All right. The curiosity. This is, this is, this is the man's way of doing it. That's, that's the bitch way of doing it. So of course I know how to do that way. The man just sits down and says, listen, all right.

It was fucking weird of me out that I could never go upstairs. I just went to the top of stairs and I looked see what the fucking big deal was. You know, like, was it made out of gold? Do you got a sex slave up there? You know, there's some dead body. What the fuck's going on up there? And yeah, that type of shit, you know, that's your world. That's your life.

But that's not going to happen if we ever move in together. All right. And then she's going to give it. I can't believe that you went upstairs when I told you not to. You just broken the trust and they be like, all right. And let it just do it. Let it get all of that out. And then you go, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What about you? Okay. So I just broke the trust. But you know, you're the one you're kind of, you had this giant secret. So you got secrets. So you kind of fucked with the trust first. You know, you know, there's a dead cat up there. You understand that?

There's a fucking dead cat up there. So I don't know, do one thing or another. You can do the pussy thing and do the toilet clogged up thing. I gave you two options there, sir. The pussy bitch way or just be a fucking man. Just take her out, set it down and just say, listen, I gotta, I gotta tell you something. All right. I'm feeling ashamed that I did this, but my curiosity got the best of me.

And I went to the top of stairs and I just peaked to see what the big deal was with the upstairs. And you know, then she'll probably start running away. But you know, women, they don't know how to run. Most of them women can either run like a fucking track star or they just rent. They run like it's, they run like toddlers. You know, so many of them, I swear to God, I'm not saying you don't see the uncoordinated guy jogging every once in a while. But we, you know, we play sports. We know how to run.

You guys, I don't know what you do. You sit around plotting, making fucking rumors about each other. Jesus Bill. Well, you know what? It took a while this week, didn't it? 43 minutes in before I said some ignorant shit about women. I'm getting better. I had to get a nice clean half hour there.

So when she runs away from you, like, you know, somebody blew out her knee, you know, just sort of jog behind her until she gets tired. Or just wait till she's wearing high heels until you tell her that that gives you an even better chance. You know, unless she's screaming and boo-hooing and crying and all that. You know, you just walk behind her with your hands out, you know, looking at other people like, you know, you know, you do that classic, you know, this isn't my fault shit. That that body language to other people, which is basically you put your hands, you know, basically parallel to your shoulders straight out like that. You know, like you're going to shrug like, you know, I don't know, you have it like that. And then after you do that, then you bring them together in front of you. Emotion at her, you know, like, you bring them back out again.

She's just, I don't know. Right. Just back and forth. And then you just say, well, we know something. And as much as she gives you shit, just be like, you know what, I'm glad I looked. I'm glad I looked because if I didn't look, I wouldn't, you know, we've got to talk about this. I'm willing to help you through this and everything. But I can tell you right now, if you think you're going to move in with me and start doing that stuff, there's going to be a mountain of shit getting thrown out every fucking week.

All right. So there you go, sir. That is my advice. That is my advice to your fucking ass. Good luck to you. All right. Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes.

Honey, put on that party dress. Buy me a drink. Sing me a song. Take me as a cum because I can't stay long. Last dance with Mary Jane. One more time to kill the pain. I feel summer creeping in. I'm tired of this town again.

What the fuck was I going to talk about this week? Oh, guess what I did this week? Oh, freckle face bill. Guess what I did? You know, a year ago, I wrote a fucking motorcycle or whatever. I went dirt bike riding. I actually took a motorcycle safety course. It was it was a day and a half.

And I got to tell you, man, it was fucking exhilarating and terrifying. So I actually, I passed the class somehow. I don't think I should have. I was doing my little U turns. I had to put my little foot down there. No, it was a great fucking time. So basically how it worked was you rode for like four hours and then you had a class. And I realized how spoiled I am as a fucking human being, you know, just having this.

The life that I have where I don't have a boss and I basically do whatever the fuck I want. I have not been in a classroom. I just immediately I just takes me back to why I chose the route I chose. I just never liked the classroom situation. But this this was was actually a great time. But I just immediately had anxiety and I'm like half paying attention. And then and then in the end, they're like, OK, now we're going to do the test. I went right back to when I was like an eighth grade.

Like, God, God, I'm going to fail this. And the guy's like, no one has ever failed this. And he like, oh, good pressure, pressure. I'm a moron was sitting at the table and everybody's fucking finishing before I was like, it was like, I don't know. 40 people in the class. I think I finished 37th as far as completing the test. I was 50 questions. I got four wrong. That's something like that.

But somehow I passed and that was funny. I've never flipped flop so much in my life on a decision. I was thinking, am I going to get a bike? Should I just get a dirt bike? Should I just know how to do this? And then, you know, I just want to learn how to ride a motorcycle. You know, I grew up in the 80s. All right.

I watched a lot of action movies. And one of the things that I always was envious of the action heroes, aside from their oiled up fucking 80s lifting weights. No squats ever bodies was the fact that no matter what vehicle they approached, not only were the keys always in it, they knew how to drive it. They knew how to drive everything from a dump truck to a fucking helicopter airplane. They could sail. They could fucking do anything. So, you know, it's coming up where, you know, we got to raise the debt ceiling again. Eventually the waves going to hit the beach and there's going to be a period where you could quite possibly be getting chased down the street by an angry fucking mob.

It's just everything goes to shit. You know, so at that point it would be nice if you had the ability to whatever escape vehicle you meet, you ran into. You could actually just jump in and just be all right with it. Right. Sylvester Stallone fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, they never. And I challenge you to find anything that they fucking ran up to in any of those movies that they did not jet ski fucking motorboat sailboat submarine combine helicopter fucking plane with with only can land on water. Those skis or the tires doesn't make a difference. They could instrument rated the everything.

Everything. They could be on a fucking plane, a commercial airline and somehow kill the person next to him put a hat over their face without anybody noticing. Crawled down into where the luggage is and then jump off the landing gear and do a fucking mash at the end of the runway. They were unstoppable. So I've added motorcycle. All right, I could drive a car stick or regular and now I can drive a motorcycle. I'm just checking off the list. I have a day and a half of experience.

No, it's actually really fascinating and it made me a better driver and I actually have much more appreciation of this skill it takes to ride a motorcycle. It's not like a car. Yeah, no shit, Bill. No, but just shit that you wouldn't think. Like I didn't I didn't understand all that went into just going around a turn on a motorcycle and not only do you hit the do you not hit the break but if you hit the break you're actually going to, you know, you're going to crash. You got to judge look through the whole turn judge your speed and then fucking power your way through it pretty intense. I got not going to lie to you. I'm not going to act like I was I got this.

This is easy. Then we we go into the class and like has anybody seen it and I'm getting excited like wow that I just rode a bike for four hours. I got it up to third gear down shifting. This is fucking great. And then I went into the class and one of the things you know the group discussion they was like anybody ever see a motorcycle accident or better motorcycle accident. It's like fucking almost everybody or at least half the class puts their hands up and they start telling stories. And this one guy's was like a paramedic and he's going like yeah you know I saw this guy was going like 90 hit a car head on and his heart came out of his chest. He had like stories and I was sitting there I'm like like laughing to myself go what the fuck am I signing up for here.

This is insane. And then like the guy who was teaching the class who looked like he was born on a motorcycle and was fucking you know wrote the same way it was. You know obviously the instructor is fucking great at riding bikes. He even had a story of a couple months ago. Yeah you know I hit some sand and I was like saying you know I'm going over the fucking handlebars and I'm like keep my body relaxed. And all I'm thinking in my head is like dude you went down. You went down. Right.

This guy I'm telling you just look like he was just made to ride a fucking. He just had that I ride a motorcycle look as opposed to me who looks like some douche who goes to take a safety course. And I'm just thinking this guy went down. This guy's an EMT talking about people's hearts coming out of their chest. I'm just like what this is fucking stupid. You know so I don't I don't know where I'm at. I think I'm just going to maybe just ride on dirt is what I'll do. You can't you can't fucking ride a bike out here in LA.

You know what is I'm old enough to know it's fucking stupid. So I think I'm going to if I'm going to do it. I just get like a dirt bike and I put it in the back of my truck drive out of the city. And all the people texting get to where the trail is and then just ride around on dirt. Now I know all you cunts are going to be like actually motion fatalities happen off road. People not paying attention each I know I understand there's risk with everything. But you know I don't know. I think it's a good thing that I waited till I was 45 to learn how to ride a motorcycle.

Because if I was thinking if I was 21 and I would just I wouldn't give a shit. That's not going to happen to me. That's not going to happen to me. Like you get older and by the time you're my age shit is happening to you or some close friends. So you kind of like you know that could happen to me kind of like my heart in my chest. On this side of my rib cage. But I got to tell you though I definitely got the bug and it's the most fucking fun. I even by the second day I was actually getting frustrated because I was thinking like I just want to take this out on the street.

I'm sick of speeding up and slowing down. I just want to drive this fucking thing and I don't know. Don't worry. I'm not going to go out and do that. I'm not going to do that dumb shit. This is exactly what a lot of people do when they when they finally get to where they want to be in life. Which is where I feel I am. You know selling tickets as a comic get some acting gigs every once in a while.

You know you got a little free time. What do you do? You pull a John Denver. You go out and get a pilot's license. You know you fly some experimental aircraft and next thing you know. In the news today. Singer songwriter. All right.

So that's definitely in the back of my head. But I don't know. I don't think he is going to let me get one anyways to be honest with you. That's probably a good thing. But you know what she did when she was saying no. She did the classic thing like why do you want to like you know have all these toys. What is it with guys and have you know you have your and like what do I have I got my truck. She goes you get your guitars and it's like you're upset with me because I'm enjoying life and she's like no.

You know. I think she just doesn't want me to get one. So she tried to do that stupid argument that the motorcycle was this extension. Like it's like your dick like you guys like it's between their legs and they've riding this thing down the street. It's just like I don't know what the fuck that is about. When I was riding for the last two days at no point was I thinking about my dick other than thinking like I hope I don't fall off. And when I'm going fast enough that I get road rash on my dick. That would be the only thing other than that.

You know what I wish I wish she took the class with me. You know. That's what I was actually thinking. It'd be great if she took the fucking class with me and she would just see how much fun it is. It's fun. You know. I don't fucking know. So I got the bug now.

I got the bug and I was looking at motorcycles all last night. So I was telling her I said look all I wanted I'm just going to get like the Honda Rebel to fucking 250. That's exactly what I should get when I start out. If I get something else I'll kill myself. And she starts you know looking up those stupid Ducati's which were cool about up until six months ago. Now every douchebag out there has them. Like everybody seems to have one of those fucking things. So you know I don't know.

I looked at the new Harleys and I don't like them. I think they're ugly. They kind of lost their way. They used to look meaner. So I'm just going to get if I'm going to get one. I'm either going to get a dirt bike or I'm going to get this little fucking 250. I think the speedometer only goes up to like 70 or 80. I don't know.

Tell me what do you what do you guys think and this is and this is going to be one of those extreme conversations. And believe me I've heard all the things get a motorcycle. You might as well buy the coffin to go with it. It's not a helmet. It's a brain bucket. I've heard all of that shit. I don't know. Just it does seem like a lot of fun.

Right. You know if I if I get one I'm going to be one of those douchebags who gets like a little 250 and I'll have like all the gear on. I'll be dressed like all Samuelson if you ever rode a motorcycle like completely over protected fucking Robocop suit on. And I just ride around my neighborhood never never get out of second gear. Anyway so that's what the fuck I did with my week. But you know it's good to know though if I ever get chased by a bunch of people with hatchets down the street and I happen upon a fucking motorcycle and there's a little key there. Provided it's not an old one with the throttles on the other side or the shifter or whatever the fuck it is. I'll be able to I'll be able to escape.

Alright I know what the fuck I'm talking about. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday October 5th 2009. How the hell are you? Well that's good. I'm actually fighting off disease this week. I'm back here on the East Coast and everybody is getting sick and I did a smart thing. I actually fucking came home and I felt myself getting sick. I took some vitamins and I just slept for like fucking 10 hours. Hence the podcast is a little bit late.

I apologize as always but yeah man I had a great weekend. I was out at the Stress Factory in New Jersey and starting to feel it man. I'm starting to get on top of my game. Regular listeners you know I'm getting ready to do another special and I've really put my time in with this one. I did Sweden, then I did Boston, then I did Philly, then I did Dallas and now I just did New Brunswick, New Jersey. Five weeks in a row. No I had one week off between Sweden and Boston and I gotta tell you man there's no substitute for that. There really isn't.

I don't give a fuck. You have to go out on the road. You gotta do the shows. You gotta do six shows a weekend and you really have to be like I'm really working on this one. Making sure the set order is right and you know because that's how you gotta do it. You wanna have a memorable, you know just wanna you know that's the worst fucking thing you can do I think in any part of your life. Work your ass off on something and then just get the reaction of like hey man it was good. He went up there, there was a microphone, he was talking into it.

You could understand what he was saying. He seemed to be having a good time. What was he talking about? You know that's the thing I can't really remember but it was definitely English. I know that because at no point I wasn't not comprehending what he was saying. So whatever I'm putting a little bit of pressure on myself. I just you know the fuck you gotta keep trying to top yourself and when you have a limited amount of skills eventually you know. I don't know it's a weird thing trying to beat yourself.

How do you fake out yourself you know? Am I making any goddamn sense right now or is this fucking TheraFlu still kicking in here? I'm actually fighting this shit off dude and you wanna talk, I do this overrated, underrated thing here on the podcast. You know you wanna talk underrated? Underrated taking vitamins every goddamn day which is what I've been doing lately. You know I take a men's multivitamin. I don't even know what it is. I just know it's brown with little black freckles of shit on it.

I have no idea what it is. I've been taking that, this vitamin B supplement so I don't get Alzheimer's because evidently I took a physical and they were telling me. You know I'm not even gonna say that because I'm trying to get health insurance right now. That's a pre-existing condition. No we brought that up. Well maybe it's the Alzheimer's. Maybe that's why you don't remember it. Yeah that's the kind of health insurance I have right now and I wanna get some other health insurance.

Health insurance I have right now basically covers everything except what I go to the dentist for. I wanna get a fucking cleaning and they didn't cover it. I mean that's ground zero and they're saying because the lady used that electronic pick which a lot of them use just because they're lazy. Not they're lazy. You know back in the old days where they used to just use the scraper, the manual scraper for your teeth. Now they just use the other one. I mean I hadn't gone in a little bit so the first time I went in I understood that she used it. But now I've been going in there like every fucking four months.

You know? Four months. You don't need to use that electronic one. You're fucking lazy. But for some of you my health insurance, oh we only cover if they just use it with their hands. Yeah. By the way, you owe us another 350 bucks for this quarter. I'll go fuck yourselves.

So anyways, I am on tour like a maniac right now. Not like a maniac like someone's getting ready to do a special. So I am actually in New York City right now sitting in my old apartment and it's bringing back memories of when I used to fucking live here and I would get shit faced and bang a whore. I like this place. I'm going to try and keep it. You know? This is my just in case I get divorced place someday. You know?

Because I'll go out and I'll buy a house and God knows my girl will get that. You know? And then fill our kids up with her version of who I am. You know? Then I come by on Saturdays to pick them up and then they got that look I'm on their face. You know? Like they just had some horrific story told to them. Wow, man.

I'm really in a bad mood right now. Just not even a bad mood. I'm just fucking negative. You know what? Why don't we try and turn this around by me giving you guys. I'll do a little ask Bill here. Bill here. And you know what?

Fuck that. I don't know when I hype what I have coming up this weekend. I have, I'm going to be at the Improv in, I think it's Homestead, Pennsylvania, right outside of Pittsburgh. It's called the Stacks, I believe. It's that mall. Right over, you know, right over the bridge that goes over the river. You know? It's basically one of those things.

It's classic America right now. It's basically, it's a place where Americans used to have union jobs and they made steel for fucking American cars and American buildings. And now it's a mall. And you go in there and you buy shit that was made from people in other countries probably by their children for one 90th of what they were paying an American. But as a tribute to those Americans who used to have jobs, they kept, they kept the smokestacks from the old steel factory. Steel mill factory. Actually, the last time I was fucking there, I actually kind of researched that area because I was kind of fascinated by it. And I found out that there was some big, big battle between the workers and they called in police and the, and some militia to beat down these Americans who wanted to get a fair wage.

And people got their heads split open. They fucking died right there on those riverbanks, you know, so people could make money and I don't know what happened. My generation, we just sat around eating double cheeseburgers and it all fucking left. But anyways, I'll be down there telling my jokes. Hey, and look who's back. Look who's back. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joe DeRosa, young Joe DeRosa. And Joe, you know, I'm going to love about Joe is Joe's actually going to come in.

He's going to join the podcast. And at no point is he ever going to address that we actually already did this podcast for 45 minutes before I realized that I didn't have any batteries in my recorder. And he's going to sit down like a goddamn pro. Listen, this is the deal. People always ask me, you know, when the hell are you ever going to have a guest? Every once in a while, you should switch it up. You should get a guest. Well, I got a guest, a disgruntled.

I already did this for free for 45 minutes. Joe, let me tell you something, man. You were so funny this past hour on this podcast that didn't get recorded. Thank you. And I have belief in you that there's a lot more funny in that well. Joe is actually, if you're new to the podcast, Joe is, this is the worst Joe because I've already done this and it's fucking Monday. I'm sorry.

Sorry. All right, Joe. It's all right. It's all right. It's the worst. We gave that guy great advice and now right now we're going to have to read it again and pretend like we already didn't fucking do it. It'll be fine. We'll get to it.

We'll get to it. We'll do it. All right. Want me to tell you an inspirational story, Joe? So we can get through this the second time. Brian Johnson of ACDC fame. All right. One time told a story about Phil Rudd, the drummer of their band.

And he said basically they had some unbelievable take of some song and for some reason they ran out of tape right in the middle of the greatest part of the song ever. And it had been built to like this emotional apex, you know? So the guy goes, the fucking guy behind the mixing board is all devastated. He's apologetic and he's like, I can't believe it. And somehow, whatever they have to somehow get, they lost Phil Rudd's shit. Right. All right. And the guy's like, oh my God, we're never going to get it today.

Fucked up. I'm so sorry. And then Phil Rudd was just like, just play the tape again, mate. I'm going to jump right in. And he goes, there's no way you can do it. He goes, just roll the fucking tape and they roll it to it. And he jumps in seamlessly like he went back in time and he fucking totally nails the take. He plays it even fucking better than they did the first time.

And they hit, they stopped the thing. And the fucking guy behind the board is just completely flabbergasted. He goes, I've never seen anybody do anything like that. You're fucking unbelievable. And Phil was sitting there with that cigarette dangling from his lips. And he just goes, I know. Brian Johnson tells it better. But that's your inspirational story there, Joe.

So anyways, Joe DeRosa, me and Joe do this wonderful radio show that used to be on XM. It used to be on XM Serious. Yeah. Sometimes it is. But you know what? I don't know. There was a merger. And just like you guys out there going through this tough economy, I guess we were the odd man out.

There was a merger. They took our money away. They left us with nothing. You know what? They really didn't. We just decided we were tired of waiting nine months for a fucking $35 check. Isn't that what basically happened? Let's be honest here.

Oddly enough, we seem more disappointed than XM does about the showhead. We keep reading the trade magazines, waiting for that XM Serious XM. XM is really called to say, what happened? What happened to your show? Saying that their stock plummeted another two fucking, is it points of dollars? We don't know what the point is. Points, that sounds good. Let's go with points.

Anyways, the name of the show we do is called Uninformed. No reading, no research, just strong opinions. And if you haven't picked it up yet, me and Joe were a couple of fucking morons. And no point should you ever really listen to anything that we say. Why do we really do our show for other than to whore ourselves out so we can make more money and not have to go on the road shaking hands of people who have fevers that are then going to pass it on to you as you forget to wash your hands and eat a fucking order of mozzarella sticks between the first and second show like I did.

Who else do we do it for? You said you'd know who it is. We do it for the fuss. Sorry, I have no train of thought. We do it for you. For you, my 15 fucking listeners. So you guys can feel better about your lives. The advice.

Yeah, no, not even advice. Just when you hear how fucking stupid we are. You can actually, you know, like, well, these guys actually have some sort of fast radio show. You know, I can make it too. Yeah, I agree. It's good. It makes people feel like they can achieve out there. Yeah.

It makes people feel like they can get to our level because you certainly can. This is an attainable level in life. Absolutely. We are not. Well, I'm speaking for myself, you know. You too can be on the internet making no money whatsoever and not have a boss. There's something freeing about it, Joe. Joe, I'm telling you, all we need is a windmill and our own garden in the back.

And we'll be fucking good. We'll just go veggie. What would you plant in the garden, Bill? Oh, like a couple cherry tomatoes. Oh, tomatoes. Let me tell you something. I'm all about, you know how bad I want to buy a fucking house so I can have a garden. I love having gardens.

I want to have a garden and be that guy who slowly loses his mind out there talking to the plants because he's breathing in the pesticides. You know, that's who I want to be. Oh, look at that zucchini. Shape like a girl I used to know back in the day. My dad had an astounding garden when I was growing up. I think that that's one of the coolest things ever to be able to walk into your backyard. Okay.

Like, and have your own food supply. I think there's something really like, I think that we've kind of got everybody living in a cul-de-sac. I really think that, you know what I would love to do? You know, you would get whacked by the fucking powers that be. But if you could just somehow teach people how to build windmills and if they somehow just couldn't stop it, you know, the same way like fucking that, that auto, auto-tron, what the fuck, what kind of music is that took over?

You know that music JZ's ran out. Auto-tune. That just took over and the government couldn't do anything about it. Like, what if people just started windmills? You can build a windmill. That's not illegal. No, you can't. Sure you can.

No, you can't. Why? Because General Electric is worried that you're not going to make one that's safe. So they still need to go out there and inspect it to make sure. No, they did a whole fucking thing out in California where they, once again, they squeezed out the little guy. And this is what they're doing, Joe. As we move into greener ways, as we're moving into green, the reason why it's taken so fucking

long for us to move into greener things is because, first of all, there's still a lot more money to be made with the old things. And then also, the guy, the fucking there will be blood guys. Got to make sure that they're still in control of it. You know? That's my fucking solution to the Middle East. You want to beat those cocksuckers over there? Just fucking make cars run on fruit loops or water or whatever the fuck we can over here.

And people can, dude. The mayor came up with something out on Long Island. You make it run on water. Okay, how do these fucking terrorists get their money? As far as I know, Joe, and I don't know a lot, I believe that the money that we spend on all their fucking oil goes to the head A-rab over there, the head, the fucking Shah or whatever the fuck he's called. And then he sits there and acts like he's down with America while he subtly is sending money

off to the Hamas and the al-Qaeda and all that. So if we stop fucking using that goddamn energy, they'd go bankrupt over there. You ain't got no money, Joe. You ain't got no booze. You ain't got no booze. You ain't got no guns. What is that from? We ain't got no booze, boy.

What was that from? Kelly's Heroes? I never saw Kelly's. Telly Savalas? Or is it from The Dirty Does? That was Telly Savalas yelling at fucking Don Rickles. You never saw Kelly's Heroes? No.

Oh, Kelly's Heroes is a fucking great movie. And it's hilarious because it doesn't make sense because it's about World War II, but it has the hippy Vietnam vibe. It's right during that time when the directors took over in Hollywood. Yeah, you're like, fuck it, we're going to do it our way. Yeah, did you know up until like that, like for the longest time that the director's job was basically only to make sure that the actors were on their mark and that everything was in frame?

I don't even think they were responsible to make sure about the lines. No, there was the studios operated like factories, dude. Yeah. And the second you said, and that's a wrap, you left and the studio took the picture and they cut it up. It's amazing, right? Yeah. That's why guys like Billy Wilder were so renowned in the...

Because he did that in the 50s, right? Yeah. He was being a real director in the 50s. You know what I mean? Okay. So basically what happened, so with the Kelly's Heroes thing, by then what you had was you had that young generation that was taking over and they were making a World War II movie and they had Kiefer Sutherland played this...

Donald Sutherland. Sorry, Donald Sutherland was playing this hippie disorder, you know, they had like their own like, they had their own way of doing things, man, but it was funny. It was before hippies became like played out and annoying, you know. Who's the head guy? Gavin McLeod is in it. Who's the head guy? Clint Eastwood?

Clint Eastwood, dude, they got all the guys. Guys, guys, Clint Eastwood, Telly Savales, Don Rickles, Donald Sutherland. I think that guy who played Angel on the Rockford Files is in it. I can't remember. Gavin McLeod, who used to be on... Hey there, man. Used to play in Mary Tyler Moore. He's the guy from the Love Boat, right?

Thank you. He's from Mary Tyler Moore, the Love Boat. That was... But I'm saying he's the captain of the Love Boat, right? Yeah, that was his cash grab. He's like, I'm old. I can't believe I keep getting work. But that little fucking moustache it is, that little pointy moustache.

Oh, parents' shorts. Being all tanned up. Little white shorts. Dude, the greatest exit in non-flame out from drugs ever was the guy who played Gopher on the Love Boat. Dude, you're on a show, it's called the Love Boat. Your character's name is Gopher and you're wearing shorts like you're on a cruise ship with those white socks yanked up to your fucking knees like you're in the ABA.

Right. Okay, your career is over. Okay? You're going to take all... Anybody else, any less of a fucking man would have taken all that money, okay? You would have found Donnie Moust and you would have sent it up your fucking nose. I shouldn't have said him. He didn't do that drugs.

What happened? You'd find Lawrence McCutcheon or whatever fucking name it is. I got you. Mackenzie Phillips. Mackenzie Phillips. Yeah. Lawrence McCutcheon is an old running back from fucking the Baltimore Colts. But anyways, that's what you would do.

He had the fucking wherewithal to be like, I'm Gopher. I'm on the Love Boat. This is it. What else do I want to do? I'm into politics. He went on and he became a fucking state senator. Which one was Gopher, the black guy? No, that was Isaac Hayes.

I know it wasn't. It was Isaac Curtis. That's another... Isaac Newton. Isaac Curtis was a fucking wide receiver for the... No, no, no. Chris Isaac. No.

You know who the fuck that was. Oh, you mean you know what's funny about... Who? Which one was Gopher, though? Hold on. Gopher was the... The guy with the glasses? No.

The doctor who got all the pussy for no fucking reason, that made no sense. He had him. Then he had Gavin McLeod. Then you had the bartender who did the double point. That was the black guy. You know? Like half the Def Jam headshots of the late 80s. No, I'm getting confused.

I'm getting... And then he was... Gavin McLeod was the bald guy. I was saying mustache. I was getting Barney Miller confused with Gavin McLeod. Oh, yeah. You had to play Barney Miller. You had to play Barney Miller.

Hey, he was probably on that fucking show. Joe, the point is there was a guy on that show. He was a series regular. His name was Gopher. Oh, they were at the Dark Hair. Yes. Yeah, okay. Okay, I remember now.

Let's go through... Let's go through some sitcoms, Joe. Let's name awful character names where you know you're not... Urkel. Dunn. Dunn. Schneider. Schneider.

Dunn. Like I remember when you... Skippy. Family ties. He's not doing comedy now. Huh? Yeah, Joe. Yeah.

Yes, he is. Squealer. Whatever. What was that kid on fucking Saved by the Bell? Screech. Screech. Squealer. I'm still dumbfounded that I...

When you said Lawrence... What did you call him? Lawrence McCutcheon. Because it's so close. That I knew it was McKenzie. That's so close though. That was like some sort of pig Latin. Now, wait a minute.

They're all done. Potsy. Potsy. Dunn. Ralph Mouth. Dunn. Every actor in Hollywood. Even Fonzie.

Even Fonzie. Fonzie. He's done. This is the thing. Oh. Squiggy. Squiggy. Out of here.

Out of there. This is the thing. As a fucking... As an actor, you have to instinctively know that if your character does not have a first and a fucking last name... Let's keep doing this, please. It's already gonna be... Yeah, absolutely.

We're gonna mouth this as much as we can, and it's still actually recording. Dude, if you don't have like a real fucking name that you could walk out and public with, Alex P. Keaton. Okay? He kept going. He just had the unfortunate of getting sick. And he was even sick, and he was able to do West Wing. Spin City.

Spin City. They're both about the same shit. He's just crazy. Dude, I watch sports. I don't watch that. The West Wing is about the White House. Spin City was about him working for a governor. Yeah, it's politics.

You'd just be happy. I didn't say Benson. There you go. Benson. There's one. Gone. Who? Benson.

What the fuck is that guy done? What does Robert Guillaume done since Benson? Yeah, but he was like 70 when he finally got that. No, dude, I'm talking about... Benson's out of here. No, Benson's not a bad name. Somebody came in and the guy said, my name is Benson. But you're saying a one-name character.

Gone. Dude. I'm more talking about like your name is fucking Zippy. Big Raghu. Gone. See you later. The Big Raghu. Gone.

Well, who was the guy that on Family Ties? Nick. Nick. His name wasn't Moose. No, it was Nick. His name was Nick on the show. Who was Moose? Moose.

From that fucking show with the kids show where they would step out of the locker. You can't do that on television. Yeah. That was Moose. What happened to her? Hey, Jerry. Yeah, Moose. She didn't even look like a Moose.

Yeah, it was such a mean nickname. It really wasn't. Yeah. I love that show though. That was a great show. These are torture kids. They'd shoot the kids. Shit.

That was a great show, man. No. Yeah, they did. They used to do a sketch. It was on Nickelodeon and they used to do a sketch where they had that one guy that played all the grownups on the show. He was the one actor. Fish.

And he would do like a Nazi character and he was like, any last words and the kid would say something and he'd make a one liner and they'd shoot the kid. And then he did another character called Barf where he ran a restaurant and he was disgusting. He would always pick his nose and the kids eating there would be like, you know, they would go, they'd say something like, you know, you know, I saw a dead squirrel in the street when I was on my way in here and then Barf would pop up and he'd go, what do you think's in the burgers?

That was his catchphrase and he was putting nasty shit in the burger. So needless to say, he never worked again. No. What was his character's name? He was the guy that played all the male grownup character. He played everybody on the show. Let me tell you, when I was in, when I was working in Denver, I'm doing, I made a reference to family ties and at the end of the show, this guy comes up to me, tatted out, tattoos

all over him and he's fucking twitching a little bit and he goes, hey, and his buddy comes up going, hey, you like family ties, right? He's like, yeah, this kid was one of the guys on it and I'm looking at him. He's in like his twenties and I'm like, what the fuck was he, he played the little kid. Why was he twitching? He said, you probably saw me on TV getting arrested for drugs and drinking and driving. I've been sober for six months and so his buddy who's hanging out with him went to take, you know, wanted a picture with me.

So we go to take a picture and the former child star there is holding the cameras, hands are shaking and the kid with me goes, look at his hands shaking, look at his hands shaking and it really fucking pissed me off and I want to be like, you know what, dude, this kid's just hanging out with you because you're fucking you right now. Like he shouldn't be saying that. If that's a true friend, who the fuck would be saying that? This kid's trying to be sober and he's making funny your fucking hands twitching and he's just a total cunt and he's just trying to get a picture with me because I've been on

I love the 80s. Jesus. Yeah, he's a fucking pathetic level star fucker. He's like half a star fucker. I just remember that stuck out and it really annoyed me and I felt bad for that kid. You could just, you know, what, you know something, dude? You know, I think some of those staff, those the child star kids flame out is because what kind of a fucking kid wants to have to memorize lines?

Like who tries to make it at five? You know what kid did it right, man? The youngest kid from home improvement taxi driver, Cynthia Phillips, didn't send the Williams. No, not her fucking beaver beaver clam. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? Beaver clam. Beaver clam.

What the hell does that have to do with anything? I just knew that it was rumored she was gay. I was, that smelled like me brain stone. That's how I get, I get it. Muff diver. I think. No, I'm not trying to be like, I'm, I was like, I'm homophobic. I was trying to give you a clues.

Like that's what I do when I can't remember shit. I just start acting like I'm on the $10,000 pyramid. Beaver clam. Beaver clam. Ah, Jordy Foster. I'm telling you what kid did it right. It was the youngest kid from home improvement. I watched one of those Hollywood, you know, children of Hollywood specials, whatever.

And he, uh, he left the business. He just walked away when that, when it was done, he didn't care anymore. Yeah. He went out, he married some girl, he fell in love with some girl. Who is this? I wasn't even listening in the beginning. The youngest kid from home improvement, the one, the youngest kid, like he's not Michael Taylor Thompson.

No, no, no. He was the middle kid. Jesse the body. No, no, no. He was the middle kid. I hated that show, dude. I, look, I'm not talking, I forget that part of it. I'm just saying he left show business as a child, started like fucking him out of here.

He went out to the Midwest. He started DJing because that's what he wanted to do. He married some chick. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He started DJing. Yeah. He started, he was just like, started DJing for fun. Did I tell you I have a problem with white guys who DJ?

And they opened a vegan restaurant and he was like, this is what I do. This is my life. I live a very pure, healthy life. He just had it. He was just so collected. There was not a, he was like, yeah, maybe one day I'll go back and hang. I don't know. Whatever, man.

Like he just didn't care. He wasn't one of these fucking, you know, Dana Plato's. Which guy was it? Cause I gotta tell you something. Those kids, I don't know if they would take an HGH, but something happened to the skulls of the kids on that show. What show? That home improvement.

No, nothing happened to the skulls. They fucking, they looked like they were in Funhouse mirrors by the end of it. They were going through puberty and like they have fucking foreheads with jut now. They were adorable kids when they first got, that's the thing about, about like you get those kids is that puppies, this, you're very hard pressed to find a puppy that isn't cute. But you know, you can have an ugly dog. And that's what I'm saying. A lot of those kids were ugly dogs.

Yeah. They kind of turned like, yeah, like I think at least two of the three kids on home improvement were on Royds. I think Janeth and Taylor Thomas is still a pretty decent looking kid. He was. Yeah. The pianist. He had that composer hair.

He looked like he was in Bugs Bunny. Like he was going to, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Oh, I can't. He had tails on. You should always be wearing tails. You know, you know what, what's actually happening to right now, Joe is my fucking memory problem. Like I, I can't remember people's names and I can't remember the names of places.

Like there's a breakfast place, me and Neil love out in the West Coast and they have like these big, huge, biggest pancakes you ever saw in your life. Biggest French toast and always putting like whipped cream and all this shit and it's fucking ridiculous. Mayhem. Right? But you eat it. Huh?

Cause you're always against eating shit like that. Yeah, I am. But the French toast dude is ridiculous. I know. I don't do like the whip, but I just see people going by and they got like a whole stick of butter on it. Right. And we've been that two hundred times.

I can't remember the fucking name of the place. Can you not remember right now? No, I finally remembered. It's called the griddle, but for the longest time I was, I was calling it a pancake circus. I like the griddle. I've been there. Oh, I do. This is what I, I'm trying to explain to you why I say the composer cause what I, I can

remember, I remember certain details. I remember he had that long fucking Beethoven haircut. So then it becomes that. That's really funny. And then what it does is then I throw it out there and then you go, no, no, no, no. And then you say the name and I kind of, I'm able to joke my way through the fact that I can't remember shit. I'm with you.

I'm with you, pal. Yeah. All right. Yeah, buddy. I want to help you get through this. Okay. Let me get through this bill. I just realized I am fucking starving.

Dude, I know. I feel like I'm going to pass out. No offense, but how much longer? How much longer do I have to do free show? Well, it's free. So technically I can fucking cut it off whenever I can, whenever I want to. Why don't we, Joe, when, when are we actually going to be able to start me and Joe Derosa as you've noticed have just a tremendous chemistry when we get on the microphones and shit.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? On the mic. Yeah. On the one and two. Yeah. That's why we do that podcast, son. So listen, so we're going to start doing these on a show.

Why can't we upload these fucking things onto the internet? Look, look, here's the deal. We had this show called uninformed and then we started to do it as a podcast and we're going to sell it for a buck an episode on the web, I mean, on the iTunes. Yeah. Fuck, and I can't get the goddamn things to upload. Let me, let me jump in here. And the reason why we're charging a dollar an episode, people, is because we're actually

going to have guests, we're going to have interviews, we're going to be doing things. I mean, it's a fucking radio show and I know you people on the internet don't like to pay for shit. It's a dollar an episode for the love of God. You know, was that the fucking worst way ever to, I love how just nowadays as an artist, you have to justify that, you know, that your time is valuable. Even if we don't have guests, which we will have episodes where we don't, you know, we used to get paid to do the show, it's work to do the show, we have to, we have to book

gigs on the road together. I want to go to that bar and I want to find that guy who came up with that cheeseburger and talk to him and just talk to him just about food in general. There's a government agent trying to take that guy out right now. No, he isn't. He probably works for him. Look, Joe, you can't- Oh wait, we talked about that cheeseburger on the last one.

I don't think you got it on this one. Did I not talk about it on this one? No. I didn't. I can't even remember. All right, this is a fucking, okay. Just to fucking go back, I talked about that fried butter a week ago and how like, there's just insane levels of like, why?

Okay. I was in, I was watching the Patriots game yesterday, Joe, shit, I know you're a big sports fan. You know that they won. Bill, that's my team, buddy. You know that they won, that we got lucky against the Ravens again. The Ravens have beaten us the last two times we played them and somehow I don't know what happens.

They fucking, they make a bonehead play. They played and they pull it out of pocket. I always say that. You ever see someone? Yeah. Patriots, they pull it out of the pocket. Yeah. I'll tell you, no one can talk sports like Joe.

Joe, why did the Patriots beat the Ravens? Because they're, Bill, overall, I just think they're a better team and when they're put under the gun, they deliver. You could actually get away with that on a sports talk show. There's another one you have to incorporate. This is another thing. If somebody asks you what's wrong with the Patriots, all you got to start is just, I got to tell you, if I'm the Patriots right now.

I got to be thinking and then just, you don't have that, all you got to do is just throw anything in there and you'll be fine. I'll tell you two things that I've been right about. Two things that I called this season, Joe, was everyone was fucking jumping all over Sanchez. The Jets quarterback, you know him, yeah. Well, Sanchez is heat on that guy for no reason and I think he's a good player and he deserves a little leeway.

I like how you just said two things then. No, I said in the beginning of the season, I mean, they called the guy a star after he beat the Texans. I mean, he's going to be a star. He's not a star yet. And I called it with my buddy. I said, dude, he is going to have that horrific pick six. I'm a fucking rookie and he had it yesterday and I also called Matt Castle when they sent

him over to Kansas City and everyone was like, how the fuck could the Patriots get rid of him? I said, he was driving a Ferrari last season. That's right. All he had to do was keep it on the fucking road and he went 11 and five. Now you're going to Kansas City. All of a sudden you're not driving a Ferrari anymore. Nope.

You're not even driving a Z28. No. You got the Camaro rally sport. That's what you got with the V6 and your chicks driving it. What I like about Matt Castle is Matt Castle is a real players player and all right, let's let's end that. Let's do a new segment. We're just sports.

Sports talk. We'll just do fake sports talk for as long as I can. I'll just be you talk real sports and I'll I'll just fake through it. I think we got it, Joe. I think me and the listener has understood the premise while you were doing it. Joe, what made Tony Dorsett the running back that he was Tony Dorsett? You know, you know, he had the legs of a champion. He's just a guy that could run no matter what he could run.

And that's the most important thing when a running back is that they run. These guys are out here. Talk about his style, Joe. Talk about his style as a running back. Like who would you compare him to? His style. Look, you know, when running backs, I'm looking for a Mike Quick. I'm looking for a guy that drills and runs that guy head down, shoulders up.

He knew how to plow through it. And that's what you need. Maybe to the end zone. You know, what's amazing is how you are almost fucking you're almost you're saying it's fucked up enough for people would still be looking at each other like, dude, this guy doesn't watch sports. But then you right as you think that, then you're like, oh, maybe he does. Head down.

That makes sense. Shoulders up. How do you have your head down? And you say, how do you have your shoulders up? Yeah. Let's let's get back to the sandwich Joe before this whole thing goes off the rail. So I'm sitting at this fucking bar, right? Because that's what I do, Joe.

I drink during the day. Let's let's, you know, I don't have anything to live for. It's all about killing the silence. I got the road is I would say it's just waiting for the next meal. Just waiting for the next meal. For the next meal. Please hear the clank of the silverware. That's all you want to do, Joe.

Kill the loneliness. All right. So let's plow ahead here. So I'm sitting at this bar, right? I'm watching the game with this guy and this guy calls the bartender ordered over to order some food and he goes, yeah, listen, I want to order. You sure I didn't tell it on this one? I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell it again.

Yeah. It gives a shit. Such a great story. Yeah. Because we were talking about, remember, it led us on to that KFC shit and everything. We didn't talk about that shit. All right. So anyway, so the guy calls the bartender over and he goes, yeah, I goes, yeah, listen,

I want to order a custom burger. I'm like, who the fuck does that? Who the fuck orders a custom burger? Well, evidently, this guy had this burger at this bar in New Jersey. It's called a duck buster, D.U.C.K. buster. I got to give these guys credit because they really went above and beyond. So evidently, this dude ate it and he loved it so much, he goes to this bar and he goes to order it.

So I'm listening to him order it and the guy goes, all right, what do you want? He goes, all right, this is what I want you to do. It's like that Jack Nicholson thing. I want you to hold it between your knees. It's like that fucking thing. He basically goes, I want you to make two grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato and bacon in them. He goes, two grilled, yeah, two grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato and bacon in them.

And then I want you to use those two grilled cheese sandwiches as the bread for the cheeseburger. So the two sandwiches were the bun. And then you see, you were totally blown away the first time, but you already heard it. So it's just, it's the excitement of it. And then he had another fucking, they had like a half pound of beef in there with cheese on top of that. And I will say it again, that sounds amazing. And if I could get it right now, I'd go get it.

The problem is we're getting that. The problem is that probably cost him $20 because you know, yeah, that's like two, two words of a grill. This is what, you know what Joe? I would eat that. Really Joe? Yeah. Yeah.

Like I didn't fucking know that. I would eat it. You know what? One time I was sitting there shooting this shit with Joe and I didn't realize until he got to his second donut that he was actually just sitting across from me eating a bag of donuts. What's wrong with donuts? It was like two in the afternoon, Joe.

So what? I've seen you on many occasions eat pancakes with chocolate chips and shit in it. No, you haven't. Or bananas or whatever. No, you haven't. Bananas. That's good for you. But that's, but dude, pancakes are no worse than a goddamn donut, dude.

It's fried better. That's not. Joe. What? I don't have the knowledge to fucking actually back up that I know I'm right. Pancakes are not as bad as donuts. Dude. Donuts you're trying to get fat.

You're trying to get fat. You take a stack of pancakes, you put butter and syrup on them. You think that's that? Yeah. That's a stack of pancakes. What's in a donut, Joe? What's in a donut, Joe? It's fucking pure sugar.

Having an orgy with butter. What's in a pancake? Pure sugar. Batter. It's not pure sugar. Donuts are batter. No, they're not. Joe, let me tell you something right now.

What do you know they're not? First of all, don't you? They're dough. Don't you fuck? You don't know. You don't know how to make one. Joe, you've made it. Yes, I do.

You've made a donut. Bill, it's batter that you deep fry. It isn't. It's sugar coagulating with butter. That's all it is. Bill, you're wrong. I'm not wrong on my own podcast. Rip it, tone it up, but it's bread, dude.

I know it is your content. It's not as bad as a pancake, though. They're both not healthy, but it's not as bad as a pancake. I'm saying a stack of pancakes for breakfast versus one donut at 2 p.m. It's the same thing. Fucking face. You're wrong. Joe, first of all, a fucking there's nothing.

Don't you? Don't disrespect pancakes. No, I don't. I'm gonna tell you, I have a fucking pancake. You know pancakes are like that buddy of yours who you don't want anybody to talk shit about, but you know they're slightly retarded. That's what pancakes are for me. That's how I used to fucking...

No, you don't understand, Joe. You've been in the rules. You like to go to your little pancake house. No, no, that's not it. Joe, that's how I used to make money on the road. When I was on the road and I wasn't making shit and I'm out there by my fucking self, not talking to anybody back before I even had a fucking cell phone, Joe. A lot of people didn't have cell phones in the late 90s.

I was one of them. Okay? And I fucking want to be out there in the middle of goddamn nowhere. Oh, actually by then I got a cell phone, but I'd been so in the middle of nowhere it was like on that roaming thing. And this is how I wouldn't make money because I wasn't making any fucking money. Because what I would do is I would either go to Denny's or I would go to the IHOP and I would get their large stack of five. And dude, it is not sugar. It's like fucking cement.

And you would just pour that in and it would mold to the shape of your stomach. And it would sit there, dude. You eat that at fucking eight, nine in the morning. And then go do a nooner and then drive to Colorado schools of the mines or some fucking Rhinelander, Wisconsin fucking gig. And you would not be hungry for 12 hours. And that way I was able to skip meals and I could cut down on my food costs. Okay? You tell me you eat a sack of fucking donuts in the morning and you can go 12 hours without eating.

You can't. First of all, you'd pass out behind the fucking wheel because of all that sugar. And you know that's fucking true, Joe. I want you to retract your statements about pancakes. I will not. I will not. You would deal with the ramifications of this, Joe, because I have podcast listeners and they are very vocal and they email. It's not as bad as a fucking donut.

You're not listening to what I'm saying. I'm saying a stack of pancakes is as bad as one donut. I'm not saying a pile of donuts is equal to a pile of pancakes. Okay, wait a minute. A stack of pancakes in the morning? That's as bad as eating one donut, Bill. I disagree. Let's look it up on the goddamn internet right now.

No, look, Joe, because what you're doing is you're equating calories to being equally bad. Okay? Look, Joe. Pancakes are not good for you. Shut up. Shut up. Show you. I did.

Joe, I can eat fucking 400 calories of apples and you can eat 400 calories of donuts. What the fuck is worse? Bill, pancakes are not... Apples. Shit yourself, Joe. There's nothing about pancakes that are good for you at all. Oh, shit. Did they ever put fucking bananas or any sort of fruit on the side when you get a donut?

They don't. You put fruit. They fill it. They fill it with a delicious, delicious fruit filling. No, they don't. Dude, you know what? That time to make the donuts guy jizzes into them. That's what the fucking filling is.

Bill, come on. Whatever. Everyone said why I like to be a first grader. Bill, I like a little donut here and there. You know, there's nothing wrong with it. I think a lot of your listeners... I don't like how you're saying it like you're like a finger in your ass. Well, I like that too.

All right. Let's move on here. Okay. All right. Let's go to the advice thing. We have to actually do some... So we've got 40 minutes here, Joe. And we got...

We got to read this one again, Joe. Like it's the first time we... You want to move me on? I have to do this because this guy wants to... Well, let's do this. And then we got to eat something, dude. I'm going to pass the fuck out. You know what, Joe?

Why don't you just go shave your legs and get it done with your fucking donut and pussy? All right. If you wonder... We give them a little taste of uninformed. Yeah, yeah. Imagine if we were talking about global warming and it was sounded this ignorant. That is the uninformed show. That's worth a fucking dollar, isn't it?

It is, goddamn it. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's hard to sound this stupid. It's hard to sound this stupid. You ever watch The Beatles? They used to get chased down the street by their fans. Now it's gone full circle.

We're chasing fans pleading with them to give us a fucking measly dollar for our art. Please, yeah. I like how we're... I'm actually acting like they refuse to do it without them even saying it. Okay, Bill. First off, I'm a huge fan. I love the podcast. It's a bit of a dilemma.

I'm 35 years old. I have a 30-year-old sister and I'm very protective of her. She has a boyfriend that I used to be very tight with. A few weeks ago, we were coming back from the Cubs game. Even though the cocksuckers lost, the three of us, we had a blast at that game. But we were all kind of lit. How many fucking nights have started this way? Everybody's having a good time, but you get a little drunk, Joe.

Yeah. Well, let's... We'll just try a nice fucking game. Yeah, nice fucking game. Nice fucking game. We're all kind of lit. And on the way back, I was sitting in the back seat of his car while he was driving. I was doing that flick the ear thing and he was starting to get pissed.

So, he's flicking this kid in the back of his ear as he's trying to drunk drive down the street after their home team lost, okay? That's how this story is beginning. He goes, I should have quit, but I was buzzed. Long story short, we were at a light and I flicked him. And then this cuntsucker, he invented a curse word. This cuntsucker punched me in the face, knocked my tooth loose, and I had to pull it out later. All right, first of all, how hard did he flick him?

That's one of those things where you were trying to flick the ear and then you caught the whole fucking ear and his ear was probably ringing. So anyways, he had to pull his tooth out later. So he says, after he cracked me, I got out of the car and tried to pull him through his window in the middle of traffic. He locked the doors and rolled up his window. My sis was started going nuts on me to get back in the car. I didn't.

I don't claim to be a hard ass, but I got to get my due. I'm fucking losing sleep over this shit. How do I explain to my sis that this shit has to be done without sounding like a caveman? He's been ducking me since this shit happened. He's got to catch a beating and he will. I just need to explain to my sis why this shit had to be done. So basically his question is, he's stating that because even though he's flicking this kid in the ear, the dude knocked his tooth out, okay?

He did it in front of his sister. He's like, this kid has to catch a beating. This is some guy on guy, guys understand this shit. How do I explain it to my sister so she doesn't think she can move beyond your beating the shit out of my boyfriend? Well, I'm going to say this, dude, you're fucking, we actually talked about, why don't we just get cut to the chase? You're five years older, it's your youngest sister, you're protective of her, you know?

You don't like the fact. You wanted her to remain a virgin her entire fucking life. But you knew in the back of your head that eventually a guy was going to be coming along. And as nice as this guy is, and even though you get along with him in the back of your head, you can't get past the fact that this guy's fucking your sister. You know he's fucking your sister and there's nothing you can do about it. So every once in a while when you get drunk, that fucking hatred comes out in you and you start to be a little bit of a cunt.

And you took it a little too far, he was drunk, you know? Joe, is there anything more annoying than somebody whacking you in the back of the head as you're driving? No, dude. Okay, he lost his shit, he blasted you in the face, you fucking, you deserved it, dude. Yeah, exactly. What would you do if he was doing it to you? Yeah, you'd clock him in his fucking face and you deal with it.

That losing your tooth is payment for becoming an adult. That's what that is. You're not losing sleep because you want to get this guy back. You're losing sleep because you know you acted like a fucking asshole and you got jacked in here. Go easy on him. Go easy on him, Joe. But it's just...

Because I also understand, dude, if I was flicking somebody in the ear and I lost my fucking tooth, dude, I would want to kill the guy. Don't put your hands on somebody. No. You don't put your hands on somebody, man, you just don't do that. You put your hands on somebody, you get what you deserve. That's it. You don't touch.

All right, Joe, what if for some reason you were doing something, you were flicking me in the back? Whatever, I don't know what the fucking, I turned around and I punched you in the face. This guy gave warnings, tell him to stop. You should stop doing it, dude. I would have stopped. All right, Joe, well, let's do something here, okay? I'm just being devil's advocate.

What would you rather have? Somebody flick your ear 17 times or lose a tooth? No. Be honest. Be honest. Of course. Flick my ear, of course. Right.

So what happened was, what was this kid supposed to do, though, turn around and try to flick his ear back? No. He did the right thing. He goes, stop. The kid's not stopping. Yeah. Finally.

Dude, the guy's drunk. So what does he do? What is his, how? He does nothing. He acts like a man. Fuck that. This guy can't sleep, Joe. You gotta help him out here.

I'll tell you how you get sleep again. Grow up. Be a man. Go to the guy. Why did I invite you on this podcast? Go to the guy. Because you agree with this. No, it is.

You know what? No, no, no. This is the thing, Joe. You know what? You're a guest on this show. I know my listeners. Look at this guy. This guy's trying to justify beating the shit out of it.

Let me tell you. This is what you gotta do, dude. You gotta get him back in a silly way. I hate to say this, but what you're doing here, dude, is you're gonna beat the shit out of that guy, okay? And it's gonna get ugly because you already feel like you have to do as much equal damage as what you have to knock a fucking tooth of his out. And not only that, you're laying there awake, stewing about this shit.

It's gonna be brutal. You're gonna beat the shit out of him. And she's gonna be screaming like Sharon Stone in fucking Casino when James Woods is getting the shit kicked out of him. It's gonna fuck up the holidays for years. And if she ends up marrying this guy, there's gonna be questions about whether you're gonna be invited to the wedding. I totally understand why you're envisioning giving this guy an uppercut where all of his

teeth clang together and they just crack like in a fucking cartoon. You are not wrong for wanting to do that, but you can't. You cannot do that. So you gotta think of some sort of practical joke like, you gotta say like, look, you gotta be a man and be like, look, I got out of line, you knocked my tooth out. And then this is what, you could just do psychological torture, just say, I'm not gonna beat the shit out of you, but no, I am gonna get you back. So the years you're gonna take off of his life while he's waiting for you to do whatever

the fuck you're gonna do. Don't damage his property. I'm trying to think of something like, I saw a guy on the internet, I saw a guy on the internet. What? That's bad advice. I'm telling you, dude. Well, first of all, this is all bad advice.

They shouldn't take any of our advice. Can I just say something? What he should do is the man thing to do here is go up to the guy and go, look, dude, I'm a little pissed that I lost. No, can you say it like you're missing a tooth and now you have a speech impediment? I'm saying, just say it that way. Dude, I'm mad I lost my tooth, but I was flicking in the air. Look, we're both angry, I'm sorry, because, dude, you gotta understand, too, the guy driving,

he says at the beginning of the letter, they were all drunk. This guy's drunk, driving, trying to keep, you know, and this guy's flicking him in the fucking head. That's annoying enough. You're right. You know what, Joe? I gotta go with this. You're right.

You know what, dude? You were being an asshole and you lost a tooth and you're fucking embarrassed. You gotta look inward. You're right, Joe. You know what? You're right. He's got it. He's got it like, dude, you know, you're not learning the lesson here.

You're not learning the lesson. What you're doing is you're escalating. You're absolutely right. But listen, I gotta tell this because people say, you know, you gotta watch out when you give advice because you gotta know that we're both a couple of fucking morons. You know, neither one of us has any. We have no business giving out advice, but you guys don't have the money during this economy to actually go to someone who's smart.

So I understand why you're asking me this, but don't take my advice ever on this podcast. All right? Dude, I'm doing this for free. What are you gonna sue me for? Huh? My fucking mixer? But you're also, you're not mentioned in names. You're not mentioned in names, so there's anonymity here.

And what you're telling the guy to do is nothing. This is great, Joe. First of all, do you understand what just happened here? We went from being complete, non-psychologists, non-therapists, non-fucking educated people here, giving advice to then, now, Joe, seamlessly. We went from that to then giving me legal advice. Do you realize you just did that? Nope.

Of course you did. I just talk. That's right. I just talk. I say what I need to say. That's right. You need to deliver with confidence and people believe it. You know what I realized with this advice?

People don't even want advice. You know what they want? They want to be encouraged. Because you know why, Joe? Because they're surrounded by a bunch of fucking cunts. I'm telling you. It's not the al-Qaeda. It's not global warming.

It's the overwhelming amount of cunts. Did I tell you that? I can't tell the story. I can't tell it. But I brought it up. I got to change the city. I got to change. Okay.

Let's say this happened fucking nine and a half weeks ago. No, no, no. Yeah. No. That's, I got you. I will. It's not fair to bring up a story and leave these fucking people hanging here. I'll just, I'll give you the gist of it.

I'm fucking, I got into a political debate with somebody, okay? Who clearly, I, I, I, you know, I don't mind debating with people and I can be swayed. Look, I got swayed in that fucking argument. We made a great goddamn point. I was a moron. And you know, sometimes I stick to my guns with the pancake thing. You know, I'm not a perfect person, Joe. There's not the beginning of an awful song.

I'm not a perfect person. So why don't you just something and something? Yeah. That's just, that's one of those songs that makes you want to punch every girl in the bar in the face because they all start singing it. Sometimes I stick to my guns. I didn't want you to sing it. Wait a minute.

This is what happened. Somebody, we got in this political debate and this person was making moronic points just like I was, but I was, but I was delivering my moronic points in a courtesy way and like a respectful way. I'd be like, you know, we talking about, you know, Iraq, how the fuck do you, I go the only successful, you know, occupation I've ever seen has been this country and is because we weren't leaving and we committed genocide. So how do you win over there?

I don't know. I don't get it. We just, you know, our guys are just getting picked off over there and it's pissing me off, right? So she would make points on how we could win over there. And then she went after she was done making her point, she'd go, a duh, right? Do you realize the arrogant level of that? Like she's acting like for some reason the fucking super genius generals of our own fucking

army of this country, they can't seem how to fucking finish you yet, but this girl knows how to do it in the middle of nowhere, having never fought a war. And dude, she kept sticking her head out going, a duh. Yeah. She's doing, she's doing the, you know, the couch coach, you know, no, she wasn't, you know, this guy gave us, this is something to do. This is somebody who clearly, you know, just, you can tell some of the, they reek of not traveling that fucking their worldview from their cul-de-sac is fucking, you know, and

well, who gives a shit? I mean, I'm acting like I'm a fucking genius. I'm not, but, but at least I have the presence of mind to know that I'm a fucking moron. So I will, you know, I was arguing with that pancake shit. I knew in the back of the head, I was probably wrong on something, which is why I made it funny. Right. I would never be like, Joe, there's no sprinkles on pancakes, a duh, you know what, you'd be

able to punch me in the face and I'd lose a tooth, right? Look at me bringing it false and that's our out. That's how it happens. There you go. No, don't you do that. What? Don't you mock how I just got out of that? No, I would say, yeah.

No, you didn't. You went, ah. No, I would say, there you go. I was excited to get a sandwich. I'm starving. Joe, when did you get your basketball shorts? I don't know. Somebody gave them to me.

I know. You don't play. I don't like how shiny they are. Like you were an All-Star one year, like your junior. I don't like them. I don't like them. I just put them on because I don't care if I shit them up while I'm doing the laundry. Doing the what?

The laundry. The laundry. All right. There you go. There's our first fucking guest ever, Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa, in classic spirit of our wonderful radio show, The Uninformed Show, has now informed me that there's no difference between pancakes and donuts. He gave me legal advice.

Editivity. We talk sports. That was good today. Thanks for having me on, man. It was fun. Okay. Well, I tell you, Joe, I've really enjoyed doing shows with you and I really hope that people, when we finally get these fucking episodes up, which I will let you know on the

podcast here, because this thing I just do is a goof or whatever, as opposed to the Uninformed thing, which is so fucking serious. I'll let you know when it's up because we really, seriously, man, that's something that, you know, as much as my stand up, I want to build that radio show because I got to admit, man, I think it's just as good as anything else that's out there. Yeah, it's a great show. And god damn it, it's worth a dollar to take a risk. And like usual, I don't have any information of when it's going to be up.

But hopefully by next week, Joe, can you find some fucking tech nerd? I'm trying. To get it up there. I'm trying. You're trying. Dude, that's not what your outfit says. Your outfit says I quit. I'll see you.

All right. Let's go get some pancakes. You're going to don it. All right. Thanks for listening to the Uninformed. I mean, not Uninformed. I'm sorry. To the Monday morning podcast.

Why saw your cute face? I thought that's what we were doing. You guys all have a good week. Hey, I'm going to be at the improv in Pittsburgh this weekend. I'm at the top of my game, motherfuckers. I've been on the road for the last five weeks, okay? So you fucking strap in and put on your comedy hats and take that wet whistle between your fucking toes because I'm bringing the comedy.

What am I hyping? Joe, this is my podcast, your selfish cunt. All right. What are you going to be there? The weekend of October 23rd on the 23rd and 24th, I'll be recording my CD at the Stress Factory for Comedy Central Records Stress Factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey, New Jersey. Please come out, please. 23rd and 24th of October.

And I'll tell you this, Joe, I will argue they have the best mozzarella sticks of any comedy club. Dude, it's the perfect combination where the outer layer is nice and crunchy. And you know, I hate the ones that are just all mush. It's like you're eating like garlic bread that somebody dropped in a fry later. So even if you don't like Joe's act, you can sit there. No, go check them out. I backed Joe.

Joe DeRose is a funny motherfucker, all right? You guys all, oh, it wasn't that sweet. All right. Everybody have a great week. Thank you. Bye. Bye.