Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-6-16

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

Bill rambles about playoff baseball, first world problems and losing his fuckin' num-BAHZZZ!

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you, checking in on you. I need your help, man. I need your help. Guess what I have? I have the iPhone 7. What are you going to Comic Con, Bill? What do you got? What do you got all the latest technology for? I'll tell you why. I was fucking making some goddamn fucking potatoes and add my fucking iPhone to the side on the sink and water splashed around and it got in it. Got in it somehow. And then the thing just went, oh, just fucking shut off right as I realized it. I thought I, you know, the fucking countertops, I didn't see

it. I fucking set it down this little, it was in a rush fucking, you know, peanut potatoes like a fucking goddamn Mick. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. And I looked over and washed a couple dishes and I always lose sight of where my phone is. It was near the sink and there was water from, you know, those pots and pans and stuff sprays and it was just sitting in a fucking puddle. And my wife was just like, shut it off, throw it in a bag of rice. You know, it was like mash without a happy ending. And the thing just fucking died and I didn't save any of my contacts. You know, I didn't have, I had zero phone numbers. I lost all my photos and all my video for my European run, my trip down to Amalfi.

I lost fucking everything, all kinds of shit. I lost a picture of my fucking Ludwig drum kit when I played at the Roxy. You know, I just the shit that I lost. I didn't even want to fucking think about it. But you know what, most of it, I forget anyways. It's like all that clutter that you got in your fucking house, all the magazines you're saving, you're never going to go back to them. You know, if somebody actually snuck in your house and took half of it, you know, other than the space, you wouldn't miss it, right? So this is my thing. I know a lot of you guys are thinking, well, why don't you just put it on the iCloud and it's because, well, you know, I don't know if I said this because

I had to start this fucking thing twice. Yeah, I don't want somebody to fucking, I just don't want somebody else having my shit. I mean, is that so what? Can you fucking imagine like back in the day, if somebody older people, you remember when you had your little black book, all your fucking phone numbers, remember all your family photos, your slides? Can you imagine if some corporation will hold on to these? Fuck you will, you weirdo. What are you doing with them? So and the reason why I never backed them up to my computer is because I could never figure out how to do it. I mean, I googled it and all that shit says go go in the iPhone section of your iTunes, click on the info fucking tab. I can't, I have no

fucking idea where it is. I've looked up and all these things, there's no video of it. There's all this shit. Hey, how to go iPhone to iPhone, iPhone to ad iPad, ask the fucking mouth. They got everything except how for me to put my fucking phone numbers in the contact book, which I could do a few phones ago. I know you guys think I'm a fucking moron. I know you think I can't read. I know you think I suck at reading out loud and you know what, you're right. But I'm not at the age where I used to know how to do shit. Now I don't. Okay, give me a little bit of credit. I'm only 48 years old. I'm not 78, 88. That's when that shit creeps on. Okay, I knew how to do this shit. It used to be fucking easy. Used

to do it automatically. You just fucking plug it in and then all your fucking numbers were on your computer. Now they've made it really fucking difficult. And the amount of times I just thought, just give in, give in. Give in, man. Put it on the cloud. Let the ghost of Steve Jobs handle it. Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. There's a reason why God took him so early. He needed to fucking slap him around first. Okay, he needed to yank that fucking turtleneck right up over his head. Jesus Christ, the man is dead. He had children. I don't give a fuck. I can't figure this out. Okay, so people have to get hurt. Okay. So if anybody knows where the fucking goddamn fucking info tab is, in the iPhone section

of fucking iTunes, it can explain to me how the fuck I can save my own phone apps. I actually went into Barnes and Nobles. It's a bookstore, everybody, for anybody under the age of 40. They used to sell books. They still do. And they're, oh my God, what a collection of fucking human beings that are in that place. The last of the last. The last of the book readers, right? Like the last of the blacksmiths, the last of the people with the crankstart fucking cars, you know? Last of the Mohicans, right? The last person to take a shit in CBGBs before they turned it into a John fucking Varvatos. All right? I gave you so many examples. I can't even remember what the fuck I was talking about. All I know is I need your help. Okay?

I don't know. I went into the fucking Barnes and Nobles. Or is it Barnes and Noble? I don't even know. Once I see Barnes, I'm like, yeah, that's it. What is it? Benny Barnes? He has a fucking drug dealer. He's either in jail or he's hiding. That's Nikki Barnes. I don't fucking know. Benny Barnes. Who the fuck was Benny Barnes? Was that one of the cats on Popcat? That wasn't John Leguizano's Benny Blanco. Benny Blanco from the Bronx. Who the fuck was Benny Barnes? He was somebody. That's too cool a name to not have been somebody. That is somebody. Anyways, we'll get back to that one. I looked that one up later if I still know how to fucking turn my computer on. God knows on the new operating system.

Maybe that changed. So I walk into this fucking bookstore and I walk up to this woman, you know, who's just like one of these people who probably she's the one who should be running the country. All right? But she's, you know, because, you know, but she's not going to do it because she's a good person because she probably doesn't like telling people what to do. She probably doesn't feel qualified. All right? Unlike those two complete fucking psychos that you mean, can you imagine if the two of them had a kid? If Trump fucked Hillary, what would come out of that fucking pre-presidential snatch? I can't even fucking imagine the lack of feeling while it would have black eyes. Whatever it had and you'd

look over and it would be sitting on the swing just staring at you and you would be fucking horrified. So much of this has to do with the fact that I can't upload my contacts. All right? So don't take it too too personally. But anyways, by the way, you know what? I barely noticed because I'm just like every other fucking mouth breathing more on just watching the football season. Did you notice how there's like no pink in the NFL? Like they toned it down over the last three years. They kind of fucking tapered off. Isn't that amazing? And you know why that is, right? Because the NFL raised so much money for cancer awareness. They put such a dent in the disease that they don't even, they don't

do it anymore. That's what happened. That has to be what happened because if that's not what happened, then I guess the NFL doesn't care about finding a cure for cancer anymore. There's no fucking way. That's true. It's kind of weird how that happened. Kind of weird how fucking went all the way the fuck up and then it just kind of tapered the fuck off and people are still getting cancer left and right. That's kind of weird. I thought that was like, yeah, I thought they were all about the families. Supporting the troops, charging them for those pictures, right? Supporting the fucking troops and all that. Those fucking cunts, they got in bed with that pink lady. They all got their yachts. People are starting

to figure out like, hey, where the fuck is all this money going? You know where it's going. It's going down to the pink twat fucking strip club and all the owners go down and they fucking bang away while their wives are fucking, I don't know, driving around in their pink fucking caddies. They stepped away. The NFL stepped away. They just backed up. They just slowly fucking backed out of the room. You know, now they just got a little pink fucking thing on the, this is all my conspiracy theory. They just have a little pink thing on the field. You know, let's say it's maybe 30 paces around next year. It'll be 15. They're just going to gradually disappear. And then maybe one guy in October in the NFL will get pink

black. And that'll be the last fucking thing. And they'll just, they'll just, they'll just fucking step away. They made their money. They're going to let that lady take the heat. You know what I mean? They're going to play babe in the fucking woods. Oh, we didn't know we thought it was on the fucking bull, but you know what you were doing. You took all that fucking pink money, you cunts. God, I'd be in such a great mood if I could just fucking, you know, what's great is, is today the amount of, the amount of fucking phone numbers, I gotta tell you, having not used the iCloud and the only fucking number that I knew other than mine was, was my wife's. That's it. I knew nobody else's, you know, trying to think

of this even like a commercial on TV. What was that one? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that fucking phone number, the 77 is a carmel. I know that one. It's a car service in New York, I believe. I don't know if they're still around. I think they are. Those are like the only ones that I fucking knew. But I mean, I got like, I got like a fucking, I swear to God, I feel like I got a hundred phone, phone numbers back already. Let's go into the old fucking iPhone 7, which for some reason you got to buy this umbilical cord in order to, this little mini umbilical cord that's 10 bucks, 10 bucks for this little fucking thing that you know you're going to lose. If you're like me, I mean, I probably bought

in 15 fucking charges for every phone that I have. I always lose them. I always leave them. And those things are actually, you know, they're long enough. They're like an emaciated garter snake. I mean, I should with a big fucking head. You know what I mean? Like I shouldn't be losing those. Forget about this little thing. I mean, I don't think it's longer than an inch. So the problem is, is that now with the new ones, I guess when you charge them, you can't listen to your music, which of course is just a major problem for everybody, including me. Forget about all these political prisoners around the world. Forget about the children that sew together your flashy fucking clothes.

Let's talk about how us in the first world can now not plug our phones and charge them while listening to our music. Okay, I know it's a first world problem, but of course it is. I live in a first world. Um, Jesus fucking Christ. Let me see how many fucking contacts I have already. Why put that guy's name in wrong? Got to fucking fix that one. I've just been obsessed all fucking day long, all day long, just, just everybody who I had to take every call. Like once you lose all your contacts, you don't know who the fuck's calling you. It's like, Jesus, I got to call this guy. What if, what if, what if this is, is what if this is the guy calling from the thing? What if something amazing is going

to happen? You know, and it's just the same old bullshit fucking phone calls. Let's see here. All right, done. All right, then you hit this. So the new thing about this one is it's fucking waterproof, which is great. Oh, by the way, if you want to get a, there's a Belkin Lightning 3.5 meter adapter, B-E-L-K-I-N, they're 15 bucks. And if you get one of those, you can charge it and listen to your music at the same time. So they have filled it. The proverbial void created. Was it done on purpose when we returned? All right, so let's see what I got here. How many fucking phone numbers do I have here? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. You know what? I'm going to hit pause. I'm going to count

these fuckers and let you know. All right, I'm back. Quick count. 113 phone call, phone numbers recovered, recovered and fucking in 24 hours. That ain't bad. I'll get another hundred tomorrow. But there are some that I'm just like, ah, fuck, I'm never going to get that guy's number. You know what I mean? When you lose all your numbers, there's like, rather than just trying to get to everybody, you got to have hubs. You got to be like, all right, this guy, he can give me five. And one of those five will lead to another five. And this thing is you can only hit each person up for about five numbers. Every once in a while, you find a fucking sweetheart, which I did, and she'll give you a zillion.

My wife gave me a zillion. You know, the woman that I put the Patrice O'Neill benefit together with, she gave me a bunch and I'll just kind of keep going and going and going and going as we get this thing together. But I lost all the photos and you know what? I think I'm all right with it. Whatever. You know what? I got him up here, man. Got him up here, the greatest hard drive ever, man, your brain. I keep threatening. I keep threatening to get a flip phone again, but I can't because everybody is just, you know, when you run your own fucking business, even if that is shit jokes and everything and people are sending emails and you have to sign shit and scan shit. It's at some point you got to have one

of these. And I also love having all this fucking music on it. I really do. Oh, that's another thing too. When I plugged my new fucking iPhone in, I lost like half my music. How does that happen? I don't know. Is it in the cloud? Is it on the stars? Where the fuck did all my music go? I had every fucking AC DC album. Now I have like four. Where the fuck did they go? Oh, I know. I'll call somebody up at iTunes and I'm sure I'll get them on the phone shortly and they'll help me out with it. Fucking hostile country. Can't get to anybody. You know what? This is one of, this was supposed to be what it really fucking feels like as you grow older, as you just feel the world cares less and less about you.

You're just like this old horse ready for the glue factory and then we can't make any money off this guy. This guy can't carry anything left. Fuck him. And you just sitting there like, I can't get anybody on the phone. You know, like, you know what I'm really feeling bad for right now is Hugh Hefner. You know, Hugh Hefner was and always will be the fucking man. All right. And he recently, he had, you know, he had the magazine and because of new technologies, nobody's buying magazines anymore. They tried to revamp. They tried to keep up and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, online porn, all this fucking shit. They just couldn't keep up. And he ended up having, I think having a, I don't know what he had to fucking do.

All I know is he put his house up for sale and part of the sales price was, you know, that Hugh's going to live in the house until he dies and then you get it and you can do whatever the fuck you want. And I, oh man, what a fucking, this bit, I got to tell you something, man. I said this to, to a, I'm going to forget how I said it. I was just talking about Los Angeles. Los Angeles is an extraordinary lonely place to die in. And less, but he does have kids. So I think he'll be all right. Dude, if you fucking just, if you just, if you go out here and you make some money and you get some fucking whores and you get some blow and you take the fucking ride, you know, what goes up comes back down

and when you come fucking back down and you got no cartilage left in your nose, right? And your fucking hairpiece is fucking flopping around. I mean, that, and then, then you're just sitting there in whatever's left of your house that used to be the shit. Now you're sharing it with somebody else, right? And you're sitting there slowly dying, knowing I'm dying and then knowing in the background, hearing the cars going by, right? And just knowing it's going to keep going without you. They're going to keep making movies. They're going to keep, there's going to be beautiful women and then I got to fucking as it's over. It's over for you. I hope you had a good fucking time, buddy. All right. I know it's fucking

morbid as shit, but you know, I can't get my, I can't get my phone numbers. It'll be fucking hilarious as if you went country to country, what's your biggest fucking problem? And, you know, or like neighborhood to neighborhood, you know what I mean? All this black lives matters shit and I'm fucking sitting here. I can't get my fucking phone numbers to sit with my contacts. People with diseases is war torn countries and I am throwing literally at a 48 year old man having a fucking shit fit because I can't get all these fucking people's anyone's funny is pretty much at this point. I have everybody's phone number. I got all my friends. I got all my family pretty much. I got all of that and I got my

business context and I don't know. You know, it's the worst thing about losing all your numbers is you lose all those do not answer ones, you know, fucking psycho. Don't pick up, you know, all of those ones. Jesus Christ. And I have to pick up. I'm one of those guys. I got to pick up. I'm like, what if, what if this is, what if this is Steven Spielberg and he's doing a reboot of ET and he wants me, he wants me to play ET. He wants me to fucking crouch down. I'd fucking do it too. I do it. I don't give a shit. You know, you know, stick me in a fucking movie. God, whatever the fuck you need me to do this, Stevie, you know, you want me to sling the mud around as I'm looking at a volcano. Is this some flying

saucer playing some fucking music? I will do that in a cell. That's the lead. I never understood that movie close encounters. I wanted to see it so bad when I was a kid, when I finally saw it, I was just like, that's it. That was the fucking movie. That really looked hastily put together. You know what I mean? Like, I don't fuck. Maybe I got to watch it again. Maybe I'm just a football watch and fucking moron. But when I watched that movie and Richard Dreyfus is just sitting there, like listening to this whatever that was, like a Simon says, but it was a flying saucer going like beep, beep, beep, beep. And he's going like, wait a minute, man, wait a minute. And he's throwing like fucking mud

at this, this volcano. And somehow he gets it. He gets what the fuck's going on. And I don't even remember the end of the movie. You know, I don't remember most. What the fuck do I get off criticizing a movie? Having never made one, right? Like that, like being the director and the creative force. I never fucking did that shit. And I can't even remember how it ends. That's not going to stop me from criticizing it. I didn't like it. Two freckled thumbs down. Close encounters of the third kind. There's a lot of fucking movies that have done really well that I just don't understand. You know, there's the classics like Chariots of Fire. I don't know who the fuck that was for. But when I sit down and I saw

that movie, I could literally smell the house of the person that liked that movie because of that paper root. And I knew what those kinds of people smelled like. You know what I mean? They just, the heat was going to be on too high and it was going to have that musty smell of someone beginning to die. You know, you know that there is an old person odor. And it's, oh, you ever meet, you ever meet somebody who's like almost your age and they already have it and you just looking at them like, did they realize they're already dying? It's, I don't know if it's a smell or decay. You know, how does that happen? I mean, Jesus Christ, that's like a fucking car. If you don't start it up every

day. Is that what happens? I don't fucking know. All I know is Tom Brady. Tom Brady's coming back. Okay. And also, oh shit, starting tomorrow night. Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. I don't give a fuck about the first one 62. I show up in October. Oh, that's what I do. And I root root root for the fucking red socks. They don't win. It's a shame. But they already beat the curse of the babe. And everyone was on rights. Right? That's why I left. I left in 2010. I left in 2010 with baseball. I was just like, look, either fucking get it out of the game or make it legal, but stop getting me excited about shit that you can say five years later doesn't count. I still love the

game. Who doesn't love somebody kind of, you know, I love a picture still. That's how much I love baseball. I like to keep score. I like all of that. But I don't from 98 to 2010, there was just too many fucking people that I was just like, holy shit, holy shit, dude. I'm watching a guy who is fucking with, you know, the greats of the goddamn game. And then like, you know, five years later, actually, he was part centaur, doesn't really count it. Should he or should he not be in the hall? Right? But then you had like, you know, people like Alex Rodriguez come along and they fucking like, I mean, they got most talented fucking dude on, you know, on all of a sudden it's like, oh, he's on steroids and the big fall

of him or whatever. And then I love the guy comes back. He hits a 600th home run and I mean, I'm in New York City in this video of this because I know I posted it somewhere on the cover. They were giving shit for the Patriots for one of the trumped up fucking horseshit ticky tack charges of us cheating. And then on the back, they were given Alex Rodriguez love for hitting his 600th home run. It's only cheating if the other team does it. So anyways, very excited for playoff baseball. You know, that's my favorite time. Everybody's all bundled up. They get the extra microphones at the ballpark, Joe Bucks calling the game. What's not to like the games fucking matter of the four major sports. There is not a fucking

sport out there where it matters worse if you lose a game. When there's 160 fucking two of them, it just, it doesn't fucking matter. You know, and the fucking slave labor that these people have to go out and play 162 fucking games is just like, I mean, baseball's got it. How the fuck does football make more money than baseball? You would just think collectively like during the height of the steroids era, which is a great argument for steroids. I mean, the ballparks were packed. You know what I mean? I think, you know, all of these people around the world who are just confused at why America could give a fuck about soccer, right? Or football. It's what it should be called. You know what I mean? I love whoever

the fuck came up with that on Twitter because what do you call football? You can pick it up. Well, why do you call it football? You can use both feet, right? Isn't it football? You want to be a cunt? We can be a cunt too, right? There's a deal. If they would just fucking roid these fucking players up, okay, with it at center ice, but it's a field and they could just tee one up and fucking blast it into the back like fucking Al McGinnis back at the day of the blue line. You know what I mean? Fucking Paul Coffey skating down towards his old gold tender, winding it up, going fucking top shelf. If they had some people fucking doing that. Somebody said that to me one time. I was in Fenway and then we were talking about

how we're just not into soccer and the dude just goes, well, we have soccer here. It's called hockey and it's a lot faster. Whenever I watch soccer, I see that. Look, I understand there's a beauty to that game and everything, but you know what the reality is? I just don't have time to watch another sport. I mean, I've gotten a little behind with the F1. I haven't seen the Malaysia race yet, but I was able to go back and I watched the Singapore race, which was cool as shit because it was at night. Then I watched the beginning. Was it the beginning of the Malaysian race with that fucking Hulkenberg guy just got fucking hit and the whole side of his car got taken out? What a fucking buzzkill that is. But anyways, I know Niko's, no, he

came in third place. That's right. And then Force India. Didn't they win the first two? I got to look it up. What was it? The Red Bull team. I don't fucking know, but anyways, I think Japan's next and then did they go to Austin? Austin, Texas. I think that's what it is. Yeah. I should probably go to that one next year. Book myself out there in Austin. Go out there, check it out. Hey, wait a minute. It's a lock-stop car racing. Anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? We're up to 25 minutes here. I don't have any of the advertising, but I'm actually, I'm flying out to Atlanta. I'm later on tonight taking the red eye out and I'm working the Fox Theater in Atlanta tomorrow night with

Paul Verzi. Well, I guess it's going to be tonight when you listen to this. Paul Verzi, Joe Bartnick, and then a good friend of mine from the original Punchline Atlanta and they've just reopened Jamie Bendle. He's going to come out and see it, bring up the X. We're going to have a great time and then we're going down to Gainesville and I don't give a, let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck, all right, about this goddamn tropical fucking storm. Is that all that is at this point? Because they're fucking, and this is the thing. They're sitting there on these weather channels and they're showing people from 2005 buying up all this bread. They're using stock footage of people freaking the

fuck out, all right? And they're saying, you know, there's so many of these warnings that people, they've become complacent. They become, they're like blaming people. It's like, no, because you cunts have tricked these people. You've cried wolf so many fucking times and I know you have to warn the general public that there's something coming, but the way that they do it, you know what I mean? They just have this riveting footage of people getting washed out to full, they don't get washed out to sea. There's always some douche fucking surfing too. You know, they scare the fuck out of people and there's only so many times you can end up, you know, just getting a regular rain shower and you have like fucking six

weeks worth of milk in your refrigerator that you're just going to be, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like them freaking us out about the fucking, you know, the next giant earthquake is coming out here. That's the funniest thing ever. So what exactly am I, it's a fucking earthquake. Should I go where there's no earth? What am I going to leave my shit? Like, when you move to LA, you know, you're rolling the dice. You're basically rolling dice. I can make enough fucking money. All right. I can make my mark and then I can get the fuck out of here before this thing breaks off. You're basically wily coyote looking over the edge of a fucking cliff, you know what I mean? As the road run is coming by and you know what's

going to happen, you're a little apparatus, you're going to jump on the stick, the rock goes up in the air, it hits the fucking part of the cliff you're on and you're going to go down, right? You're just hoping that it doesn't happen during your time. That's probably a bad example, but you know, I'm not the brightest guy. I mean, I can't even upload my contacts onto my fucking computer. But I know after this podcast, I will be able to because I've reached out to you, the common man, the person, the common lady on Twitter. And you know what I love about you guys? I know, you know, you're going to teach me how to do it, but you're going to, you're going to, hey, you stupid, freckled fuck, blah, blah, blah. You're going

to give me all, and I don't give a shit. I'm going to fucking, I will glide through those insults to get to this information. I've already wasted a fucking hour of my life trying to figure out how to do this to avoid being in this exact same fucking situation. I was actually, when I was at the fucking iCloud store, there would have an iTunes store, the Apple store, right? I fucking go in there, you know, let's see if one of our geniuses, they literally say it with a straight face, one of these geniuses can figure out, but who's can know? I can't figure out how to do it. So in my world, I guess they are a genius. So this guy was cool as shit. He goes, did you store anything on the iCloud? And I go, well, not on purpose. I might have

clicked something by accident and we just would just sit there. He goes, we'll click on this. Wait a few seconds. And he's like, uh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, maybe you photos, maybe save a few photos, click on that. And I'm like, nothing. He goes, no, no, wait a second, wait a second, just wait a second, see if something comes up. Yeah, nothing there. And he goes, how come you don't use the iCloud? And I go, it's fucking creepy to me. He goes, well, you know, it's a really safe, totally secure system. I go, yeah, until it isn't. He goes, yeah, I know. So anyways, I'm very excited to go to Atlanta. That's where I take my last special. I'm getting ready to do another special. I picked out the fucking shirt I'm going to

wear. It's a little nod to Nashville, um, little busier than old fucking Frederick always use. What the fuck? Why not? Every special should have its own goddamn look. I wear a snazzy shirt for those fucking cowboy fucking those, those steer cow punching fucking people down there. Um, I am beyond ready to do this fucking thing. Oh, by, by the way, by the way, I got a call. My car fucking showed up yesterday, showed up yesterday. They're detailing it. Everything's going to be fucking ready. All right. And I pick it up, hopefully next Monday when I get back, I come back, I go out there, I picked this fucking thing up. And, um, so I'm taking my last few rides with the Prius. You know what's funny about the

fucking Prius? All you guys shitting on the fucking Prius, right? Do you know how many fucking offers I've gotten when I said I was buying a new car? The amount of fucking people that have asked me to buy that goddamn car, simply because of the gas mileage. I got the fucking side view mirror fixed. I got, uh, I got to get the bumper fixed and then I got to go get it detailed because of, you know, all these years I have in my fucking awesome dog, you know, um, you know, she's a dog. Sometimes she doesn't smell as good. Um, and evidently, according to my wife, when she gets nervous, she admits an odor. She's never peed or shit in the fucking thing, but definitely when she gets fucking nervous, you know, I

don't know what to deal with. Um, evidently, she admits a fucking odor or something. Maybe that's what the fuck it is. I don't know what it is, but there's definitely, hey man, there's been a dog in this car for like eight years, right? So I got to get that shampooed out, uh, before I sell it to somebody. Um, I wouldn't do that to somebody. You know what I mean? Um, fucking asshole hit my goddamn car right before I'm giving it away. So I'm like, alright, throw like the fucking 18th bumper on this thing that I've had to get. In reality, it's probably like the sixth back bumper. Like every year, year and a half, I got to get another bumper because someone fucking hits me. Um, and, uh, I took it over to get the estimate

and the guy goes, well, actually, uh, there's, you're probably, I can tell by this dent, you're probably going to need more than, uh, just a bumper. See, there's another layer behind that. And there's a layer behind that layer. And then there's the frame. And I was like, well, I wasn't having problems closing the hatchback. So I think it's out. No, I will, I'm not going to know until I get back. So the fucking asshole hit me and I didn't even run it through my insurance company. I just said, fuck it. Fuck it. You know, I'm not going to deal with that shit, you know, go down there and then they're not going to say, and then they go, well, you, didn't you do this? And what about this guy over here?

I just say, fuck it. I use insurance companies for the big things. You know what I mean? Cardiac arrest, uh, near death experience. You know, some guy gets mad at somebody and he slams a car that hits a car that then hits mine. I feel like that's par for the course out here. You know, I kind of wish the cops got there before he just grabbed his bags and left his car. He probably fucking stole the thing. Who knows? Well, this is the end of this rambling horse shit. Uh, you can listen to some advertising after that, then there'll be a little bit of music and then you'll listen to some, uh, some clips from a podcast, from a podcast gone by in a time that's already happened. Um, I want to thank

everybody who tries to help out me to help out me to help me out with this fucking thing. Um, if you're listening to this and, uh, you have my phone number, text me, send me a fucking text cause chances, chances are I don't have your fucking number in my fucking iPhone seven. I'm calling it right now, that little, uh, um, billicle cord that hangs off that thing. I'm going to have to buy at least nine of those before I buy the next one. This is the first time I've gone from like one number to the very next number. Like I kept the iPhone four S until I got the six. Um, I had the three and then the iPhone four came out and then I get the every other one. I never had the five. I got the six and I was like, fuck

the seven. You know, especially when people are complaining about something new, right? Like this one is so stupid to buy. I would not buy this phone because what's going to happen is they're going to figure out this little appendage fucking thing. They're going to figure it out. And you know what? They already have it figured out. They have the next nine complaints already figured out and they don't give a fuck. They just put it out like this so everybody could be like, well, it's 99% great, but what about this? Right? So, um, you know, I wouldn't buy this one. I would wait for the seven S or possibly the eight. That's what I planned on doing until I was making a mashed potatoes. All right,

go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful weekend. Your cunts and I will discuss more shit with you on Monday. All right. Have a great weekend. Enjoy the advertising. Whatever the fuck I get it. All right. Here we go. A little bit of advertising there. All right. Seat geek. Oh Jesus. Someone else is doing it. Let's see if these people don't go out of business. Seat geek buying tickets online for sports and concerts has been a confusing process for a long time. It's always been hard to find the best deal for that game or show you you want to go to. And none of these older ticket sites wants to change that, but seat geek is different. They've come along and created an amazing app and website that makes

it easier than ever for fans to buy and sell tickets. Seat geek does all the pricing price comparison for you by searching multiple ticket sites and ensuring that you get the best possible deal. Seat geek does not, does all the work and you save time and money. Jesus, this is brutal. And seat geek wants to help you get the most bang for your buck. That's why every ticket on seat geek is given a grade based on value. You'll immediately see any underpriced seats and be able to find the best deal that fits your budget. Best of all, my listeners get a $20 off rebate for their first seat geek purchase. Now to get $20 off, $20 rebate on tickets, download the seat geek app, go to the settings tab and click, if

you can find it, add a promo code. And our promo code BR, B-U-R-R, seat geek will send you $20 after you've made your first ticket purchase. Download the seat geek app and enter promo code BR today. Alright, here's the next one. Simply safe. Thousands of people seeking home security get ripped off every day and the home security industry wants you to believe it's your only option. They got hoots. Hoots? No, of salesmen out there. Same thing. Trying to scare you into signing one of their long-term contracts. You get stuck writing huge checks month after month with no way out, man. It's robbery by contract and it can cost you thousands. But maybe hundreds if you live in a trailer home. But there's a better way to protect

your home. Simply safe home security. Simply safe has no contracts. None. You'll get award-winning 24-7 protection named best in industry. Security professionals watching ready to instantly send the police. Why don't they do something? And it's just $14.99 per month. That's less than half of what most companies charge. Protect your home this smart way. Well, I guess for 15 bucks a month you can't expect them to jump in the fray. Alright, these guys are cool. Protect your home this smart way. Visit simplysafeburr.com. Go right now and you'll also get free shipping on your order and a free key chain worth 25 bucks. That's a hell of a key chain. It takes only a minute. That's simplysafeburr.com. Simply. S-I-M-P-L-I. Safe. Burr.com. Alright.

Oh, it's track err, everybody. Smartphone, smart cars, smart homes. Technology has made everything wicked, smart. But losing your phone still makes smart people feel wicked, stupid. Track err makes losing things a thing of the past. I should get one of these for my phone, huh, Needy? Yeah, she's really pissed at me right now. Tracker is a coin-size device that locates misplaced keys, wallets, bags, computers, anything in second. Just pair a tracker to your smartphone, attach it to anything, find its precise location with the little button. It's just that easy. Lose your phone? No problem. Press the button on tracker and your phone rings even when it's on silent. Creepy. With over 1.5 million devices,

tracker has... How the fuck does it turn your phone on? Tracker has the largest crowd GPS network in the world, so your item, your lost item shows up on a map even if it's miles away. Never lose anything again with tracker. Listen to this show and get a special discount of 30% off your entire order. Go to thetracker.com and enter the promo code BRR. The hardest thing you'll ever have to find is going to be their website. Go to tracker.com right now and enter the promo code BRR for 30% off your entire order. Again, that's tracker, T-R-A-C-K-E-R.com promo code BRR. Thanks for watching.

Thanks for watching. Alright, lights camera dumped. Bill, I'm a 29 year old guy and recently broke up with a funny, attractive, and all around great girl. Oh, Jesus. Why, sir, would you do that, you ask? Alright. Two things. Her dad was born without teeth and you're worried your baby will. If you breed with her or she has got something going on in the vaginal area. Some sort of odor. Stinky pussy. I don't know. Here we go. Well, let me tell you, this girl and I have been dating for about three months and we had a great thing going. She's half Afro Cuban, half Puerto Rican and really sexy. She had a rough upbringing, but I didn't care

because she's honest, easygoing and not bitchy like so many girls I've dated. She was a bit needy, but I didn't mind. We were out at a bar one night having a few drinks and I was feeling pretty good. I was looking at a couple of flusies at the end of the bar and I asked her if she's ever been with another woman. She coyly looked at me and said yes. Good stuff I thought. Yeah, dude, this is a fucking fantasy right here. Fucking red shoe diaries. Then I proceeded with, have you ever been in a threesome with two girls and a guy? Again, she answered yes. Okay, kind of slutty, but I'm no saint. Well, I couldn't stop there. Oh God, you're going to go for the rotisserie question. What's in the box? Oh, here we go.

Here we go. Strap yourselves in for this one. Well, I couldn't stop there. So I asked, have you ever had a threesome with two guys? She looked down at the ground and she looked up a bit ashamedly and said yes. Wow. Skank alert. I thought I then asked her one more question. I knew this one could back for where the fuck do you go from here? Like throwing the high heat to Albert, Albert Pujos. I finally asked, wait, have you ever been in a porn? She then blushed and looked me in the eye and said, yeah. I looked at her calmly and was like, oh, but inside I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, as well, you should. You know, those first couple, I mean, you can look at, let's break this down here. All right, she's been

with, she's had a threesome with another girl and a guy who get that that's who gives a fuck right there. All right, you already knew she banged another guy. All right, but the fact that she also did it with another girl that takes a little fucking that tones down his dick and her pussy, right? This is how guys think women. I'm sorry. All right. That's something that that's something in the credit. Is it the credit? Why? Why? Why do you try to talk accounting shit? You're too dumb. All right. That was all right. The two guys thing. Now you can look the other way on that maybe if it was in another state, but it can't be in the same state because if you run into one of the two guys that fucking, you know, we're

high fiving as they fucking banged her. I mean, I don't know about that one, but then the third one, she did a porno. I mean, yeah, no, that's, uh, you got to walk away from that or you have to go to NASA to get tested for the latest fucking STDs. I would think and then also God knows what's going on, uh, mentally that you would do that. What? I just like sex. No, no, no. There's something going on. Who doesn't like sex? I don't know. Anyways, plowing ahead. So she goes. So basically she had moved down to Los Angeles when she was 20. She's now 25. And after a short stint in the military, somehow she got into the porn industry for eight months. She did everything. Fuck sucked the whole shebang. I asked her

if I could see her video, but she wouldn't tell me her performer name and said vehemently that it would be impossible to find her body of work. I asked her why she got into porn and she replies because I wanted some feeling in my life. And then he writes, Oh, Jesus. Yeah, dude, this poor girl, something happened to her. The thing was she was clean, had a good job and I really liked her and the sex was great. Yeah, obviously, you know, it's funny. There was something you wrote in the beginning where I just thought she was going to be good. 29 year old guy attractive all around great girl. Oh, the fact that you said she had a rough brain upbringing, but she was easygoing and honest and not bitchy. Right

there was like that girl's good in bed. That just seemed like a kind of free open person. I don't know. I didn't know she was going to be that open. Oh, anyways, the thing was she was clean and blah, blah, blah, the sex was great, but I couldn't stop pitching her in some sleazy porno that was probably filmed in some junkyard on La Brea. So I went to ask for friends advice. Most of my guys were telling me to dump her. My gay friends told me it was fabulous and that I should overlook it. I didn't even bother asking my girlfriends because they would automatically reject her and assume I had AIDS. There you go. Keep your options open. So regretfully, I dumped her. I felt terrible and obviously didn't

tell her it was because she was a porn star because she would have been ashamed for the rest of her life and I was happy that she was honest with me. I've done my fair share of sleaze, but this was too much. My question bill was bill, my question bill, was it wrong for me to dump her for some decision she made years ago? Should I have stayed with her? What would have you done? Well, you don't want to know what I would have done. I'm a fucking degenerate. So you seem like a good person. Dude, when you're trying to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you have to have a list of criteria. You sound like you're still young, so there's no reason to compromise. When you get with

somebody like that and you're going to live with them and when you get with anybody, you're taking on all of their fucking baggage. You're only three months in and people who go into the porn industry, it's like people become comedians. We're not healthy individuals. That is like a specific area. This is just my own personal non-medical feeling that you're just not a healthy person. Something awful happened and that line, I just wanted to feel something. I mean, something bad happened to her caused her to wall herself off. I don't even want to try to guess what, but there's nothing wrong with anything that she did technically and she was honest with it. It all comes down to whether or not you want to deal

with it. If you feel that you want to deal with it and that there was this sort of connection that this girl had to be in your life, then you're going to have to learn to live with it and get past it. But I would definitely be concerned with certain mental issues, not like she's insane. Then I would also be concerned with sexual boundaries. Would she have any and could she remain faithful after a while and when you settle into the seven year itch or whatever and you really start needing to work at the relationship and it's feeling boring and she needs to feel something again, is she going to go back to that leather couch from that show Martin. Ma and down on the valley and get banged again. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. That is beyond my skills.

I don't know how to tame that horse. I can tell you that right fucking now. I have no fucking clue. You know what? That's a Dr. Drew question. That is a classic Dr. Drew question and that guy within two seconds will get right to the core of it. I would call in Love Line, man, if you're out here, call them up because that's a great one. Yeah, I guess you'd have to figure out has she worked through whatever the fuck she was working through and now she's ready to... I mean, I don't know. Hey, those are some good looking girls down there and she's like, yeah, they are or whatever. I mean, if you kept steering it in that direction, you'd probably get your fucking threesome right there. So there's that option. The option that you have is if you're with her, I think that's a selfish

fucking and a shallow reason to stay with somebody long term. Yeah, Jesus. I don't know. Run and tell the angels that everything's all right. I'm looking to the sky, saving. Looking for a satellite. Looking for something helping burn and burn. I'm looking for a complication. Looking for the time to try. Make my way back home in a little time. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast and I gotta admit, I'm a little tired today. I drank too much yesterday. I don't know what the hell happened. I went to some bar out here in LA and I was watching the Patriots playing the 49ers. I got caught up in it and I had a couple of beers drinking Coors Light. I mean, that's like water,

right? I had like fucking four of those and somehow I started doing shots and I was... I had to call a cab. I actually flagged one down, which is practically impossible in LA. I had to just go back and rescue my car later on. That's how early football comes on out here. I actually got shit-faced watching the game, took a cab home, passed out, sobered up, and was able to go back and get my car and it was still light out. That's how early the games come on out here. Isn't that amazing? Oh, Christ, where the fuck is my phone ringing? Is that my phone? Oh, shit. Hang on a second. Hey, Paul. Hey, let me call you right back, all right? Hi, man. Yeah, that dude's calling me back because I just left him a message telling him about fucking sports radio.

He listened to this dude. His name's Paul. He fucking listens to sports radio. Listen to me. I'm a mess today. All right, let's get focused here. He listens to that sports talk radio, which, you know, I finally discovered that ESPN radio thing out here on the AM station by accident. They have these triple-header baseball games, so I like listening to the games like Michael Kay and those guys. I think those guys are great. I love listening to the games, but the sports talk radio, it's just so ridiculous. I don't know, and then I just feel like they're just deliberately saying shit to get people to call in and yell. Really, Bill, is that what you think? Do you think people deliberately do that so their ratings are higher, so they can make more money and fucking pay a mortgage on a bigger house?

That was just one of the dumbest statements I've ever made. You know what I think they do? I think they use gimmicks so more people listen so they make more money. Wow, Bill, you're really going out on a fucking limb there, aren't you? This is basically what happened. Last night, my Red Sox were playing the Angels. It was one of the best baseball games I've seen in a long time. It's why baseball is a great sport. It's why playoff baseball is awesome. It's why I love the five-game series because every game is so huge. I'm listening to these fucking douchebags talking about the game, and this guy actually makes this statement. He goes, you know, I think the Red Sox last night were taking the Angels lightly.

I think they thought that they were going to come back to Boston and they were going to close it out. It's like, really? Why do they always do that? That's what I hate about sports talk radio is they can never give credit to the team that wins. They always got to trash the team that loses and just talk about how they fucked up. So using that analogy, that means that the Angels, the reason why the Red Sox won the first game was because the Angels were taking the Red Sox lightly, and then when game two came along, the Angels said, hey, you know what? I got a good idea. Why don't we take the Red Sox lightly again? And then the third game came along, and then they said, hey, wait a minute, it's the playoffs.

Let's take the Red Sox seriously, and then fortunately that same night, the Red Sox for some reason decided to go, oh, hey, let's take the Angels lightly. You know, that's the same mentality of when the Giants won the Super Bowl. I still don't feel like the Giants got the fucking credit that they deserve for having one of the most undisputable championships of all time. They beat Dallas, in Dallas, they beat Green Bay, in Green Bay. They fucking, the last game of the season we played them, they scored 35 fucking points on us, only lost by three, clearly showing that they were among the elite, and everybody ignored it.

There were 17-point fucking underdogs, and it was all this fucking bullshit hype. I don't know. Meanwhile, the Patriots are squeaking by, winning games. We beat the Ravens because they fucked up. That was in November. Everybody just ignores that, and they just ride the hype. And when the hype doesn't play out, then they got to figure out, I don't know, I'm saying it was the fucking Giants with the shit, and they kicked the shit out of the top three teams in the league, which means they are the baddest team of last year. And look at them this year. They won like 44-0 or 44-3. I don't know. That's all I'm saying. So all I'm saying is tonight is going to be a great game.

And whoever wins the game is because they played better, not because the other team wasn't trying. That's like, you ever play a video game with some fucking douchebag, and he thinks he's the shit, and then you beat him, and then rather than him admitting it, he just goes to, oh, I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even trying. Then he packs up his little fucking Atari, and he goes home. It's just fucking stupid. I don't know. Why do people listen to sports talk radio? Is that so they can then call in with their dumb theories? I think Bill Parcells is deliberately overweight because he's trying to have a heart attack during a game because coaching football just got too easy for him.

I mean, that's why he never won a Super Bowl with the Jets or the Cowboys. He was just bored. Well, that's interesting. Let's discuss that for an hour. God knows we have five hours of radio to fill. You know what it is I'm just mad at myself is because about a year ago I figured out how to watch sports because it was annoying me just how big they had gotten. I was really starting to have a theory that people who aren't even into sports are watching sports now because they're so fucking overhyped. It's kind of like me when Star Wars finally came back. I went and I saw that first episode forgetting that I fucking hated Star Wars. I didn't hate it. I just didn't have that Jesus freak.

You know what I'm saying? It's just like, yeah, you know, I like Sesame Street when I was a kid but when the Muppets come up with a new movie, I'm not going to go see it because I'm fucking old now. You know what? I don't even know what I'm talking about. I just totally lost my train of thought. Where the hell did I get to that point? Alright, this is a Monday morning podcast. My name is Bill Burr. You know, obviously you came to my page. I do one of these every single Monday and you can subscribe to this podcast right here on my website, billburr.com or if you're on my MySpace page, just go to www.billburr.com. You can subscribe to it. You can download it on your iPod. You can do all that wonderful stuff.

And I can become a part of your life for a half hour every Monday. Try to put a smile on your face at the beginning of the work week. Isn't that... Alright, last week I was riffing about directors in the 1920s and I was trying to remember what the fuck was that thing that they yelled through. That fucking battery-free bullhorn. And megaphone. Bullhorn. Wait a minute. A bullhorn is the one with that, Jesus Christ. A bullhorn is the one like... That's the modern day one. Attention, we have you surrounded.

Way down your weapons that come up with your hands up. Didn't any cop ever really say that? Attention, you know what? I bet when they get in that situation they don't know what to say because all that dialogue is so in their head. What else are you supposed to say? Excuse me. I'm a police officer. Anyway, so the thing that you yell through that directors used to yell through way back in the day and action. Cut, print it, whatever. I guess it's called a megaphone. It's a megaphone and somebody told me, I guess back in the day they called it a speaking trumpet. Speaking trumpet, but a megaphone.

And then the person said, yes, I listened to your podcast for that long. Jesus. I know. Last week's was really long. It was like 40 minutes long. I don't know. Are these things getting too long? That's the one thing when somebody sends you an e-mail like you can't tell how they mean it, you know what I mean? Are they making fun of themselves? It's all up to the interpretation of the reader. Alright, so anyways, if you're new to my podcast, I do one of these every single Monday and I answer questions and I learn stuff like I learned this week. The original bullhorn was a megaphone or a speaking trumpet.

And there's something that you can sell somebody at a party right before you're going to get laid to switch it into, oh wait a minute, you're not getting laid. And people send me in movie reviews overrated, underrated, and I babble about shit. I actually did a college out in Phoenix this week, this aeronautical college, and I gotta admit I had to look up aeronautical and I still don't know what the fuck it means. I think it's the, what is it, the science of space or something like that. These guys basically, alright, they're kids, okay, they're 20, 21 years old, which is a kid to me because I'm 40, right, and they know how to fly planes, some of them, they're designing planes,

and they, I don't know, weaponry, I have no idea. All I know is when they have a job fair, the fucking CIA shows up, which is, that's pretty intense, huh? But when they show up, they, you know, have like the men in black suits and they have like those sunglasses with like the fucking built-in iPod, that's how they get them. Well, see, you like these sunglasses, kid? Hey, why don't you sign up? You sick of playing video games and you want to do video games for real? Why don't you sign up with the CIA, okay?

Because with, you know, Grand Theft Auto was a fucking joke compared to what I did last weekend. So anyways, yeah, I had a good weekend, man. I went out there, I've always had a good time when I'm out in Phoenix, swung by the improv, and I'm not even listening to what I'm saying right now because I'm trying to find the first question of the week, which is this one, this guy from Detroit. Let's see, love the DVD, bro, definitely well worth the wait. Start listening to my main podcast. All right, podcast questions.

Okay, is being happy and being content the same thing? Recently, I had a discussion with some friends at a local bar that went well into the night. I'm undecided. All right, well, you know something? Actually, he says he's undecided due to the fact the majority of people I had the discussion with were women. Okay, all right, that didn't really shed any light on it. What are you saying, women are stupid or they're not a guy, so they're going to have a different point of view. I don't know.

Okay, is being content and being happy the same? I don't know, something about being content means that you just kind of gave in to the shit around you. You know, where you're just kind of like, well, I guess she's just going to be a cunt for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. But you know, I own half the house and as long as I'm not in the half that she's in, then I'm pretty content. You know, it's not the greatest situation, but you know, it's good. I'm happy, I'm happy when she's not in the same room as I'm, you know, I'm happy. Most of the time I'm happy, but you know, compared to how a lot of other people are living, you know, I mean, there's people trapped in rubble after an earthquake, you know, I definitely got it better than them.

So, you know, I think I'm content with what I got. That's my definition of content and being happy is such a weird word, huh? Happy. How are you? I'm happy. No one says that. How are you doing today? I'm happy.

Happy sounds like a lie. How are you doing today? I'm good. Things are great. I'm in good mood. No one ever says I'm happy. That's one of those words that's used a lot, but nobody really uses it. You only use it when you write.

You write when you just type and shit. That's one of those typing-only words. You know, the only time you ever see happy is like on the cover of like a self-help book. How to be happy and make the 12 people around you happier? By some bald guy with a fucking goatee. All right. So, any of you who answered the question is being happy and content the same. I don't think it is.

I think being happy is generally you just walking around and you're in a good mood. You appreciate life. And I don't know, you try to do something to every day to make sure you didn't waste a day. Or whatever. You know what I mean? You're not an angry psycho like me. I guess that would be happy. You know how many fucking arguments I got into this week?

I got an argument with a guy in a scooter. All right? The fucking guy passes me on the right between a parked car. So, I beat that. You know, first of all, these fucking assholes and these scooters out here. Because gas is so expensive out here in LA, like literally it's starting to look like Europe. The amount of people out here on scooters and Vespas and all that shit. But the funny thing is, is secretly every guy always wants to have a fucking Harley.

He wants to be a badass with fucking tattoos and some fucking wench on the back of his bike. You know? Doesn't have a boss. He's a fucking outlaw. And he can play the guitar like Dwayne Allman. Okay? That's what fucking guys want to do. Okay?

But the people, most guys like me, we don't have the balls to get a fucking motorcycle because we don't want to get road rash and, you know, have your nose burned off when you do a fucking face plan out on the fucking 101, right? So, what happens is, is a lot of these douchebags now, they're buying scooters and they have a false sense of safety because it's just a scooter. And nobody who works in an emergency room, like they'll always tell you the worst accidents we ever see are motorcycle accidents. They never say, oh my God, this guy was doing 45 on a scooter

and he hit a lemon tree. And let me tell you, I have not seen carnage like this since Vietnam. You never hear that fucking story. So anyways, this fucking ass, plus all these assholes get on these scooters and they think that they, you know, it's kind of filling that, I really wanted a motorcycle but I don't have the balls to buy one kind of thing and they get like that born to be wild vibe. So this fucking moron passes me on the right between a parked car

because the road was about ready to split and I was going to make a left and he was going to go straight. So I fucking beeped at him and he immediately slams on the brakes because the light was turning yellow and he fucking, he backs up his scooter to my fucking hybrid, okay? This guy in a scooter is screaming at a guy in a hybrid man. It must, it's fucking hilarious. It's like it really was showing you the future

when we're going to have a different, we're going to be relying on a different kind of energy. How the whole definition of being a man is going to be, it's just going to be different. The whole Marble Man thing is going to be gone, right? So anyway, so he flips up his visor to reveal like his fucking twisted up angry face in this little Tom Selleck mustache that he's got going on. He's like, what the fuck? He's just fucking yelling at me. I was like, dude, you just passed me on the right between a parked car.

I didn't see you. I didn't want to hit you, right? So he keeps fucking yelling at me and I'm just like, dude, I'm not giving you shit. I just don't want to run into you. I know I'm just driving a fucking hybrid. You dumb fuck. But if you do something like that, you know, your head's going to be over here and your mustache is going to be in the fucking trees.

So I keep telling the guy like, dude, I'm just beeping at you because I didn't see you, all right? I don't want to run into you. I don't want you to get hit. And then he goes, oh, I didn't mean to startle you. And he flipped down his fucking visor and then went, whee. It's a little boy. And I got to admit, I left my ass off, but then was kind of pissed because I let a guy in a scooter get the last fucking word in on me.

So I got into that argument. Then I got an argument with, this is all like within 24 hours. I got into an argument with a TSA person or whatever the fuck they are at the airport because of their Gestapo fucking attitude. And then I got into an argument. When I was in Phoenix, I was driving out of the budget rent a car. And I was looking down at my directions because I'm trying to figure out how to get to the hotel. And this fucking cop in shorts, I don't know if it was rent a cop or a real cop.

I don't know what he was in bicycle shorts was, you know, he was directing traffic. So he's telling me to go, but I'm looking down at my directions and he's like, hello, hello. Like yelling me like I'm a moron. Like I didn't see him. I did fucking see him. I just want to make sure I was going the right way. So I just snapped and I was holding up the directions and I just started screaming. I'm reading the directions, sir.

I'm just reading me, sir. I kept saying, sir, but the undertone was your fucking asshole, which I couldn't say because I didn't know if he had the authority to arrest me. And, you know, I don't know. It's just bad. You know, that's another thing I can't fucking stand about America right now. Is there's too many variations on the police officer outfit? And I think there's a lot of times that people aren't cops and you give them the respect like they are cops.

I'm going to guess, you know what I mean? When you don't have to. Like I don't have to take shit from a fucking meter maid. I really don't. You know what I mean? Like this morning I made like, I made like an illegal U-turn and then I saw that, you know, this fucking person, a meter maid sort of looking at me and I got nervous for half a second. I was like, wait a minute.

It's a fucking meter maid. What are you going to do? Throw it? Throw your little fucking pencil at me? Can they do anything to me? Like if they said, hey, that's an illegal U-turn. I said, hey, why don't you go fuck yourself? Can I do that?

You know, I really want to know. I really wish I knew my rights more because I think there's a lot of times, you know, like that guy that drove by, I go, dude, I'm just, sir, I'm just reading my directions. He goes, well, that's why we don't read when we drive. Really? That's why we don't eat whoppers with cheese when we drive either, you fat fuck. That's what I wanted to say, but, you know, I stopped myself because I was like, well, wait a minute, what if that's a real cop?

You know what I mean? That almost would have been worth it just to see him running after me in those fucking bike shorts. That's my favorite part of that Reservoir Dogs movie. Do you ever see when Steve Buscemi is running down the street and he shoots, you know, after he gets hit by the car and he turns around and he shoots at those three cops? He actually hits one of them and as he's driving away, you see, and it's out his back windshield, you see that one cop running down the street? He's shooting his gun.

That's what I would have got to see. I would have felt like if he was fucking shooting at me. Jesus Christ, I'm really all of them. Let me get back to the fucking questions here. All right, so, happy or content? Do I think they're the same thing? No, I don't. I think content is an acceptance.

An acceptance that, you know what, you're not going to make it to the NBA and you appreciate. I think, I don't know, would you rather be happy or content? Happy just sounds like you're fucking in denial. You know what I mean? You're just fucking walking around, hey, everything's great, everything's great. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. Banks are failing.

$10 billion a month is a horde of fucking war, you know? Everything isn't great. Everything's kind of fucked up right now. Oh, speaking of that shit, you know, people always make fun of me with my conspiracy theories and that type of shit, you know, how they're eventually going to stick a microchip in the back of your head. And I've been doing this bit on stage talking about how they start slow. They start with dogs. That's the first thing they start with, and everything's cute.

Oh, good, I found Fluffy, and then they're gradually going to work on the kids. And sure enough, there's a fucking commercial out right now with this lady. Lady can't find her kid, and she's freaking out in the park, so she takes out a device, okay? And she fucking hits some buttons, and then all of a sudden, the end of the commercial, she finds her fucking kid. Now, the thing is, is they never showed a device on the kid. He didn't have a wristband. There was nothing in his... He didn't have a funny hat with a propeller on it, with an antenna coming out of it.

Nothing. She just fucking had that little thing, and they found it. And the funny thing was, the commercial is for batteries. And I'm telling you, they are working towards putting microchips in kids. They're going to do it, and it's all going to be done with fear, as they always do it. Oh my God, I can't find my kid. Oh, there he is. Thank God.

You know? Thank God, I put a fucking microchip in my child, and now I'm able to find him. You know what I mean? And they're going to use fear, and the reality, they're going to put all your information on that chip, from your bank information, your social security number, everything, your fucking resume. You'll just be getting scanned. And the conspiracy theory is, though, is if the powers that be ever turn your chip off, everything you've ever done is gone.

Your money, your records, everything. It's all gone, and you're fucked, and you are immediately homeless. So that will be the ultimate level of power, plus they'll always know where you are. Oh my God, it's put that... And you know what? They're going to fucking do it. They're going to get away with it, because all you got to use is fear. Has anybody else seen that commercial, and it fucking creeps them out?

Anybody? Am I seriously the only one here just kind of going nuts here? All right, let's move on to the next fucking question here. All right. Where are we? You mentioned being a Steve Ray Vaughn fan. Did you ever see him? Yes, I did.

I saw him on the instep tour in the summer of 1989 at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts. And I was fucking loaded, and I remember I was with my brother, and he ended up getting into a fight with some guy, an argument with some guy who was easily three times the size of me, and I'm bigger than my brother. So I just remember like going, dude, you know, what are you trying to do? The guy had a big orange mesh shirt with a Jimmy Buffett hat, and you remember those sunglasses from the 80s where you either had the neon green or orange? I think he had the orange ones, I mean.

In retrospect, I could see why my brother was yelling at him, but you know what I mean? I came there for an evening of blues music. I didn't want to fucking roll around the floor with some fat fuck, and then I had that mesh imprint on my face when his fat torso landed on me. All right, next question. Is the UFC, look how fucking like what alcohol does to me, why do I keep drinking it? Is the UFC jamming too much down our throats? Do you think the UFC is somewhat of a fad that'll end up burying itself, or do you think

that it will be us for a, with us for a long time? No, I think, I don't think the UFC is jamming too much down our throats. What do you mean, there's too many shows? What, they got the tap out show? They got the other one? I don't know, I like all those shows. And I don't know, I don't think it's going to end boxing either. I think they're both, you know, I mean, I even watch like those tough man competitions.

You put two guys in a ring who are going to try to beat the shit out of each other. How do you not watch it? It's great. It's almost even better, like some of those amateur ones where they, they don't know how to fight and they throw those haymakers and the guy gets, the other guy gets knocked out with, by basically getting hit with the palm and wrist of the other guy, you know, those things. That's what I like about bar room brawls.

They throw punches like black girls. You ever see black girls, they do that fucking, you know, Damon Wayans' bit he does about the windmill thing that they get going. That's how a lot of fucking bar room brawls look like. You know what it is? It's because you're not a professional fighter and you're not calm. So even if you know how to fight, you don't, you don't throw, you know, jabs, uppercuts, you just, you just basically just spazzing out, which is always, it's always fun to watch.

All right. Moving on to the next thing here. What else do we got? Oh, you know what? Why don't I hype some shit that I got coming up next week? I'm really excited. I'm very content. I'm very happy with the fact that next week, for the first time ever, I will be performing

in Austin, Texas at the Cap City Comedy Club. And it's part of the, the uninformed tour, which is the radio show I do with Joe DeRosa, who will be opening for me out there at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. And I will be there from August 16th through the 18th. And on the 18th, I will in fact be going to the Texas Longhorns, Missouri game. So take out your binoculars, because I will be one of the people, one of the 100,000 people at the game. And if you would like to get tickets anyways to go to the Austin thing, Austin show, go

to capcitycomedyclub.com and click right on the ticket thing. I'm on the website right now. There it is. Look at that. There it is. Who's going to be there? And some guy named Matt Sadler is there this week, so if you want to look at the room, go see him.

Look at me. Hype another guy's fucking shows. All right. So is that, is that going to be it? Oh, hey, let's do overrated and underrated. I didn't really get any this week. So, or at least I can't find any that I got. I'm going to tell you my fucking, you know what I think is overrated?

You know it's overrated. Japanese baseball. Wait a minute. Somebody said that, didn't they? They already said that on this one. Somebody said that Japanese baseball players are overrated. And you know what? I have to agree with them.

I have to watch a Dice K pitch game too. Remember when he came over? Oh, the fucking gyro ball and all that type of stuff. These Japanese baseball players. They always have these ridiculous nicknames like they're going to be, you know, you know, they're always named like Typhoon and Godzilla. And then they come over here. Swing and a miss.

Strike three. Hideki Manaka Waka Taka. Goes down again. He's in a bit of a slump. It's amazing. He hit 9,000 home runs over in Osaka. You know, why don't they just go to the Dominican Republic? That's where they all are.

I mean, how many fucking Pedro Martinez? You know what I mean? Look at May Ramirez. Look what the fuck he's done for the Dodgers. Okay. And he's just from Washington Heights. All right. But if you actually go to the fountain, to the source, anything down there, Puerto Rico,

you got to respect it. They're dumb. Isn't that where May Ramirez is from? David Ortiz doesn't need Dominican. Why wouldn't you go there? Look at those guys. They're fucking insane. I mean, I think you got to go Latino first.

I'm going to say it out there. Latinos have taken over. Latinos saved baseball. You know, people always talking about how black dudes took over hoop and they took over football and all that type of shit, but no one's bringing up baseball. All these fucking guys, right? I just don't know enough baseball players, but anytime I see somebody doing like, you know, turning a double play with his back to second base and he doesn't even take the ball out

of his glove and he fucking flips it over there with his glove, it's always a Latino dude. What are some of the top white Jesus Christ? Are there any white guys left? I'm really getting low self-esteem here. Wait a second. Euclis? Wow, this is fucked up. I am hard pressed.

Who is the best white guy? It has a question for you guys. Who's the best white guy baseball player out right now? I'm really drawing a blank. Half of Derek Jeter. Can we get credit for that? Well, let's look at the red socks. Jason Veratek calls a great game.

He's batting about fucking 0-25. Euclis, Kevin Lowell, Jason Bay, Padreuia. Jesus Christ, wait a minute. You know, I can't think of one fucking, you know what? No, this is bullshit. This is bullshit. There's gotta be one. I'm just fucking drawing a blank.

Go to the Yankees. They always got them zillion stars. All right, A-Rod. Okay, A-Rod. Rodriguez, okay? He's not white. Derek Jeter, get half credit. Second base.

Look, fuck that. It's not Soriano. Who the fuck plays second base? I know who he is. He looks like fucking Ralph Harris. That's not a white dude. Jason Giambi? I mean, Jesus Christ.

Fucking guy's on... He's on horse tranquilizers. You ever notice that guy? He fucking hits the ball. He starts running down the line, licking his lips. And he's always sweaty. He's got that crazy fucking look in his eye. Like he wants to admit to a murder, but he can't.

Then you go out to the outfield. Who do they got? I don't know. I'm fucking sick of this. You know what? My brain hurts. I think we got Tom Brady. West Walker.

There you go. I'm going to not tell you something right now. You know, I did a bit of my last special about how, you know, whenever you watch the Olympics, whenever you watch the track races, there's always nine black dudes and that one token white guy in lane eight, you know, and all the other nine black dudes blown away.

I don't know if you've noticed during this Olympics, I don't know what new synthetic drug is out there that they don't know how to test for, but I think that they're giving it to some white dudes because that was some of the fastest white people I've seen in a long time. And I was just sitting there like fourth place, really? Wow.

They were flying. Those short shorts. I think the white dudes coming back. I'm going to fucking go out on a limb here. I'm going to say that blacks and Latinos have raised the bar and Chinese people in ping-pong not to be disrespectful, you know, want to make sure I include everybody. And now we're going to raise the bar.

Hey, this is a question I got for you. How come only USC seems to know that Samoans make great linebackers or defensive backs? Every time you fucking watch in USC, they always got some new matafalu guy with fucking a 12-inch Afro mullet coming out of the back of his helmet, just lighten people up.

Do Samoans only say, I'm only playing in Southern California because that's the closest thing to the beautiful weather we have in the Isle of Samoa? You know what I just realized? I have no idea where the Isle of Samoa is. I'm going to guess it's south of Hawaii and a little further east.

No, a little further west. God, I'm stupid. That doesn't make you stupid, does it? I don't know. All right, anyway, so this has been the podcast for this week. It's been very disjointed, very hungover. My voice is tired. And remember when I was telling you I was quitting drinking?

Well, obviously I've stopped. And, you know, I don't know what to do about it. It's just fun, you know? It's like that guy said, he was sitting in a bar and he got into an all-night debate over what's the difference between happy and content. You know what I mean? It's, you know, it's a good discussion.

Considering everybody has air conditioning nowadays, so no one hangs out on the stoops anymore, so you can't shoot the shit, you go down to the bar and you have great discussions. What was a good one I had the other day? What was the fucking one I had the other day? Who's one of those? What would you rather be?

Would you rather be gay or would you rather be tortured? That's what came, that's what came through. You know, that fucking dilemma. It was like an hour debate. What would you rather be? Would you rather be gay or would you rather be tortured? All right? Now, I believe that you're born gay.

Okay? So it was a bad question because what they should have said would you rather be forced to be straight and forced to perform a gay act or would you rather be tortured? But you just say would you rather be gay or be tortured? It's a no-brainer. You'd rather be gay because you're born that way.

You just came out going, hey, I'm loving the cock. You know? It's like liking cookies. You like it. That's like, would you rather eat cookies or have someone take a pliers and remove one of your fingers? I think I'll eat the cookies. So...

No, you know what I mean? I'm of that school. I believe you're born gay. I don't understand these people who think it's a choice. Why would you choose that? You know? Everyone, if you could make a choice, you'd try to be, quote, unquote, as normal as humanly possible

unless you like Madonna and you're just like an attention whore. You know what I mean? So you just deliberately, you know, find these jumpsuits that you just yank up between your twat lips. What is with her? You know? It's like, lady, you're 50.

I got it. You're in shape. But you're weird-looking now. You're just weird-looking. Good Lord. She looks like an old stripper. You know? Fucking put the goddamn glass high heels away, lady.

It's over. You're 50. You had a great run. People have been fucking rubbing one out to you since the 80s. That's unprecedented. It's three decades. You know? I think you've had enough.

I think you've had enough. All right? Oh, wait a minute. Before I wrap this up here, somebody sent me this thing. What is this? I actually, I didn't know where to file this under, other than just an op-ed piece.

Oh, these are the movie reviews. What am I talking about? Someone actually made up a great one here. They said, they gave me a good one. They said, my number one worst movie of all time was M Night, Shamalama Ding Dong, whatever his fucking name is. That movie, The Village. But now, Pineapple Express has taken its place.

Horrible movie. I guess you have to smoke weed to get it. Although Half Baked was hilarious. Now, I think you made a great point there in the end, where you said, you know, half, but you know, you think Pineapple Express was the worst movie ever, but you like Half Baked, and I'm going to say, that's because Half Baked came out 10 years ago,

when you were probably 18 to 21. You know what I mean? Because I saw Pineapple Express, I thought parts of it were funny. In the end, I was just like, yeah, you know, I kind of felt like I wasted my money, and I was like, I was kind of stupid, but then I was thinking, wait a minute, you know what,

if I was 16 to 21 years old, Pineapple Express would be one of the funniest fucking movies I ever saw, just because you're in that mindset. So, you know, so it's not even fair for me to say that Star Wars sucks. Now, you know what it is, because I remember, I thought that Ewoks were gay way back in the day. And by gay, I don't mean happy, like the gay 90s.

Remember the 1890s, everybody? They were called the gay 90s before gay switched, meaning you like to have sex with someone of the same sex, and I don't mean gay as in, yeah, homosexual. I mean, that other kind of gay. You know what I mean? You want to do that? Nah, that's fucking gay.

That doesn't even mean stupid. Can somebody give me a good definition? That's one of those, everybody knows what it means, but you can't give it a definition. It doesn't mean happy. It doesn't mean homophobic. It's that in between. It's that gray area of gay.

Like, jam bands, that's fucking gay. I don't want somebody to play a fucking guitar solo for 90 minutes. That's not even a good example. I'm the fucking worst. Why don't I prepare for these things? All right. Well, this is the last thing I'll read.

This is some op-ed piece. It's the only one because this wasn't a question. It didn't fit into any category. It was just somebody's opinion. So this might start something new. Okay, here we go. Bill, nowadays the majority of men are such wimps that there is no hope for a woman meeting a decent man

that isn't a pussy. Most men have no shame admitting that they are weak, and I seriously wonder myself, where has all the manhood gone? Didn't men used to feel good about being manly? Have we as strong women, quote unquote, taken it away? My grandfather would have rollin' over in his grave if he heard how pusified most men have become.

It is very sad. However, it has caused me to stand on my own two feet so I never have to rely on a weakling, which is good because I don't want anyone else running my life but myself. Then it just goes on. Is it our fault that men have weakened and been feminized so? Have women become so strong that men are afraid

to take their role back? That's a ridiculous question. Oh yeah, we're terrified. Have we lost because we've won? Either way, it sucks. You know what this is, sweetheart? I don't know if it has to do with your hormones or what it has to do with a woman

never, for the most part, never really knowing what she wants or what's going to make her happy. You become psychotically focused on something, and then when you get it, you're still not fulfilled, which causes you to question everything. I don't know.

What are you basing nowadays that the majority of men are such wimps? Are you basing that on the television you're watching? Because I definitely think that we are in a streak here where they, you know, I think always throughout the history of time with sitcoms and that type of stuff that they always had to make the guy

dumber and the woman smarter. And I just think they do that as an apology for the fact that for the most part guys run shit and don't let women get past a certain point in management, so I think that they, you know, to throw you a bone, they make the guy character a fucking idiot in the sitcom.

But at the end of the day, who owns the show? Some studio that's run by some guy, so who gives a fuck? I think you're probably fishing in the wrong pond. But, you know, be careful what you wish for because the quote-unquote real man is probably an asshole, I would think. I don't know. What the fuck do I know?

I don't fucking know anything. Have guys become pusified? I think a lot of the comedies, like, you know, a lot of these hipster fucking douchebags out there that they're kind of in right now, maybe that's what you're basing it on? And how they wear those stupid fedoras and it's just a fucking...

I don't know what it is. I hate the fucking, you know, that whole fucking, that whole scene just bugs the shit out of me. Fucking idiots walk around their fedoras like deliberately dressing like nerds. It's like, dude, you are a nerd. You don't have to try, okay? And stop acting like you were cool in high school.

Stop trying to rewrite your story, all right? You weren't cool. You weren't getting any pussy. And now, you know... I fucking hate that whole thing. I think that's over. You know what I'm really sick of, though? Is the word awkward. You know what I mean? I'm sick of awkward comedy. Like, do you guys watch that show, The Office?

I can't deal with that show. It's just like, can one person on that show be aware of what they're saying? It's just everything that happens on that show. It's like, and then my house burned down. Not good. And then they sort of look around like, wait a minute. What did I just say?

It's just fucking... It's ridiculous. I'm sick of that kind of comedy. I'm calling it first, awkward comedy is out. All right? I somehow spin back to false anger. I get my own goddamn show. All right, that's it. How long have I talked this week?

42 minutes. These things are getting too long. Look at me. I'm making fun of jam bands and I'm having 42-minute fucking podcasts. Why don't I get to the point a little quicker? All right, so anyways, I am going to be at the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas on fucking October 16th, 17th, and 18th. Go to CapCityComedyClub.com to get your tickets.

If you're listening to this on Myspace, please check out my new website. It's a work in progress, billburr.com and check out all the stuff that I got going on there and blah, blah, blah, blah. I'll talk to you guys next week. Thank you for listening. I hope you're happy.

I hope you're content. No, I hope you're happy this week. All right, that's it. Have a good week. Bye. I can't quite make it alone Try to make this life my own Fly out with me I can't quite make it alone Try to make this life my own

I'm looking to the sky, you see me Looking for a sign of light Looking for something to help me burn out bright I'm looking for a convocation Looking cause I'm tired of trying Make my way back home, never learn to Looking to the sky, you see me Looking for a sign of light

Looking for something to help me burn out bright I'm looking for a convocation Looking cause I'm tired of trying Make my way back home, never learn to Make my way back home, never learn to Make my way back home, never learn to Make my way back home, never learn to Make my way back home

Thanks for watching.