Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-6-22

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

Bill rambles with Nick Kroll about his new Netflix special 'Little Big Boy', animal deaths, and stereotypical looking people. Thursday Afternoon Podcast:  (00:00 - 57:43) Thursday Throwback (10-6-22):  (58:20 - 2:00:00) Bill rambles about Wyoming, pork chops and modern day aviation. Anything Better NFL Preview & Picks:  (2:00:10 - end) Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Night Moves - Staurolite Stroll Zip Recruiter: If you’re a fan of this podcast and you want to try ZipRecruiter for free visit: ZipRecruiter.com/burr Stamps.com: Get a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale at https://www.stamps.com/burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. Just checking to see how your week's doing. Usually it's just me checking it on you, but occasionally I'll have a guest, someone I just can't resist. You know, I used to live out in Massachusetts. I used to be a real person. Then I came out to Hollywood and I became a big phony, and they got to know all kinds of celebrities. And one of my favorite celebrities that I've gotten to work with is the one and only Nick Crow who has a standup special called Little Big Man, Little Big Boy, and his animated series, wildly successful on Netflix comes out at the end of this month, Big Mouth,

and he is here to promote both of those because this man has more irons in the fire than a fucking cowboy in the 1800s. How are you, sir? I'm good. I'm proud to be thought of as one of your favorite Hollywood phony friends. So we're all to be here. You used to be one of my Hollywood friends, then you got a pool, and that's when you upgraded Hollywood, but you got to have a pool. You got to be never in it, and you got to be on the phone screaming at somebody. Truly, I am never in my pool. I feel as though I've become allergic to my pool. So as it's true, now I'm filling out one of your Hollywood phony neurotic Jewish friends who cannot put himself in it. Who wants the world to feel bad for him because he doesn't have time for his big Hollywood pool because he's so busy promoting

all of his successful projects? So relatable. Trying to find a way to be relatable, Bill. Can you agree? Yeah, trying to get Joe Sixpack here. So tell me, where did you shoot your special? The Warner Theater in DC. You know it. I'm sure you've been. Yeah, I shot a special. How do you like those? Those crowds are like on the left and the right are really conservative because I feel like everybody there is in the business. Yes, another industry town, but this one, they really fuck you. You know what I mean? I like DC. I saved DC for that part. I saved DC for the tour because I do find them to be a smart audience as opposed to LA or New York. And Boston is the same way. And I'm playing Fenway in a week. I'd like to promote that as well.

I do it three nights. I don't know how many you did. You couldn't even just say two. You got to say three. Yeah, I'm doing three. But I like DC. They're smart, but they're not over it like New York and LA. You know what I mean? They're still excited that you're coming through. That theater is beautiful. It's got, you know, it's kind of grand in how it looks. And so I had been waiting for the whole tour, which got kind of broken up in the middle of the pandemic to go do it. It was great. It was really fun. It wasn't. If you want, yeah, it's nerve wracking. And you have it done. And then you just walk around. Anybody you see like, was that good? Was that good? Was it good? Homeless guy on the way back to the hotel. Did you see it? Did you hear it?

You homeless guy was like, you got it. It's in there. It's in there somewhere. You got it on the first one. Yeah. Now you just have fun. Now you just have fun in the second one. That's what they said. Every one of them. That was great. That was great. We got it. Now just go out there and have fun. In other words, you were tight as a drum, loosen the fuck up before we all lose six figures on this piece of shit. Speaking of just saying, you know, you're saying New York, New York and LA is over it. I think this whole country is over it. Anytime I watch concert footage of one of my favorite bands when they're in like South America. I just saw some clip of guns and roses and they were playing

Welcome to the Jungle and they're just playing the beginning. Do an 80,000 people in unison were jumping up and down, screaming and then screaming all of the lyrics. And I remember I was just looking at that going like these bands, when they once they tour South America, they must come back to America. This country and just be like this fucking, this is, this feels like a church meeting. It's true. I think, I mean, it's, I mean, it's the cameras. It's, it's so much of it is the cameras. I think they just immediately like guns and roses and then everyone just is like, you know what I mean? They're just filming. They've lost all sense of it. And I, and I've seen a couple, especially bands like that, you go to South America,

they love heavy metal. Like they just are, I mean, guns, roses, not being heavy metal, but like they still think like that rock. I mean, that's like the center of their, you know, like sepple tour can still play like 80,000 cedars. Yeah, but dude, in the 80s, when I would go to concerts, you know, we went nuts. We didn't go like that. No, maybe, maybe, maybe like the encore, but ACDS would have to be shooting off cannons. Even then we just like, yeah, do some drugs far out. You know, we weren't like the entire audience going, yeah. Do you remember your first concert? What was your first concert? Uh, Judas Priest with Dawkins open up on the, uh, fuel for life tour.

There you go. Mr. Central. I, I saw the real original Judas Priest, the guy who created the thing to plant, uh, to plant, uh, uh, seeds in the ground. I went and saw him speak. Uh, and how was that? It was great. It was really informative. I learned a lot about biblical cultivation. Nick, I miss hanging out with you, man. I haven't seen you. All right. We'll jump it back in now. Okay. We're back in. All right.

We just, we just cut out because I always like cut out shit if it's too much personal information. And I've gotten that from, there was something on Netflix called, uh, don't fuck with cats. Did you see that? Yes. Yeah. And all they had was, they caught this serial killer because he was torturing these cats to death. They didn't know he was a serial killer. And all they had was like just a little like bed and like some beige wall and from the bed sheets and all of that stuff, they were able to figure out what city the building and they ended up finding the guy. And, uh, not before,

you know, he killed some people, but yes, they still had him. He killed cats, Bill. I'm not into that, man. You're not into, you're not into, I feel like you're a dog guy. Do you have any sense of humor when people kill animals in like programming? In programming? There's a funny way to kill anything. You just go over the top with it. But actually to do it, I'm not in like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I don't want to see anything suffocated unless it's the person that would go around suffocating something. Then you, like a boa

constrictor or serial killers. I don't mind seeing those things suffocated, but, uh, I am a, as much as I am a carnivore, I do love animals. Yeah. But there are some that I could kill, I think. Yeah. Have you, have you watched that video of a, of a snake trying to swallow a goat? Like watching a, like a snake, like literally hold an entire goat inside of its body and figure out how to process it. Was it trying to get his picture on the wall? At the reptile restaurant? I did got it. I didn't know you watched it. Like that's the kind of dumb shit I would watch. I watched the guy one time. It was so bad. He got one of the, he imported some fucking snake. I don't know what part of the web he was on,

but he got like some anaconda or some shit and he put a goat in the cage with it and the goat had no idea what it was. So it walked up and sniffed it. And this thing just grabbed it and choked it. And the guy was going like, Oh, watch its leg. Watch its leg right here. This is when it's close to the end. And I was like, this is the darkest shit. That and a guy fed a chick to a snake. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Slowly going down as it was going, Oh, like from inside the snake's mouth, you could, yeah, it was like, yeah. And I was just like, I'm done with this. So that's what you're jerking off to these days? Well, you know, your tolerance goes up after a while. Yeah, you got to keep raising the stakes and find that limit.

That's what Arnold used to say. Every movie has to be bigger. The explosions have to be louder. There has to be more helicopters. There must be more, there must be more chips, chips being eaten by snakes. Yeah. I would vote for Arnold right now. If he ran for president, I would vote for Arnold. I think he's better than the other two options. I love how CNN acts like they hate Trump, why they actively promote this guy like they work for his social media team. They can't wait for him to come back so they can spend four years with their feet up going like, Hey, can you believe this guy? What's he going to do now? Every day is like an easy news day. I have no interest in him. I watched him so infrequently

for the years that he was president. Like I didn't engage with any clips. I don't watch the news. I can't watch the news. I just, I have five minutes. I'm like, I'm bored. I hate it. I don't want to. I don't think I've watched a presidential speech since Bill Clinton. Yeah. Once I found out he was lying and I just watched him going when he was going like, I did not. Have said, he put his hand like that. So he was like, wow, okay. You're like, I'm in now. I mean, I would, I watched Obama. I love, I loved Obama. I love Obama. I love him. He made me fall asleep every speech. Not because I would think I was bored by him, but he, I found him so comforting. I just found it very comforting hearing him speak.

When he spoke, he was like, oh, he sounded like Jackie Mason doing the art bark. Jackie Mason was, when I saw that he died, I, he was born in this country. Like he was born in Ohio. How was that? How was Jackie Mason? How does that voice? Dark like this? Like, how is it possible that that man was born? Because that's how ethnic everything was. He was probably his, his parents were probably right off the boat. I was talking to somebody the other day where we're all the great ethnic names, like the Kowalskis. It was all, it was always like, you know, 10 skis, right? The Polish kids, all the, you know, the Italian kids, all the Irish kids and all that. And then somehow

we all banged each other. Yes. And everybody got rid of the last names because of all the, hey, how many Italian guys does it take to change the light bulb? And he's like, let's get rid of all of this. It's true. I, there's a, there's a documentary in a book about this woman, Vivian Meyer, who was a nanny in the 40s and 50s, but she was also a street photographer. And so she would take care of her kids, but she would just take these like secret portraits of people on the street. And it's all pictures of people in the Midwest, Milwaukee, Chicago, all those cities in like the 40s, 50s and 60s. And you see their faces of the people walking around Chicago. And the same thing. You're like, that is a Polish face. That is an Irish face.

That is like a Yugoslavian face. Like it was before even the white people had started to mix. You know what I mean? Like, look at you and I, and we're like, I don't know about you. I suit, like, this is just, this is 130% Jewish. This is like 190% Eastern European Jew. Like I'm assuming, are you all Irish or it is like, you're like, oh no, I'm actually mostly German. Okay. I never did one of those 23s in me. No, I don't want them. We will find a serial killer in my family. And I was raised not to be a rat. So I'm not going to go in and maybe it's me. Thanks video with the little little chick going down the. Yeah, I'm actually German. So you're not, yeah, I can see the German in you. There is that fiery hate in your eyes.

Yeah, there was something about you that always bothered me. There's something about you that would make me feel like a snake with a sheep in a cage. Do you know what? All right, let's, if I can talk about my people for a second. Please. You know that, that famous Hitler footage, I'm sure you watch it all the time to talk about this the way I can get off. Yeah. Well, there's the, there's the classic one where right before, you know, he was going to unleash his new ideas on the world. Sure. He is in this giant stadium. And they have like all like those little square sections of troops and all of that. And they got all of the, all their merch that all their live nation Nazi tour that they're going to go do

this arena tour. They're going to blow up the arenas. Right. So he gives his host speech. You know what I mean? Very, very Lewis Black. Angry. He loves his mother. Yep. Yep. A lot of pointing. Yeah. Lewis Black before anybody takes that the wrong way. Anyway, I think Lewis Black would be battered, by the way, just to be clear for the record. At the end of the war is that, that thing where, where the allies blow up that concrete swastika. Okay. That's that same stadium. And they never knocked it down, but they never like prepared it because they don't, if they knock it down, they make the guy a martyr because

they're trying to make it all go away in Germany. Yes. So my point is you can still go to that place. It's like Zeppelin stadium or something. You can stand right at your own risk because now it's like almost like a hundred years old and it's all like falling down. But I like, you know, I always saw all those World War II movies and shit like that. But when you go over to Europe, it becomes like real, especially when you see like 90% of the cities, the architecture is from like the 1950s on. And you're like, it's all their old stuff. Oh, that's right. They blew the fuck out of each other. That's right. I got to say, I respect Germany's, how they handled it. They got real, they got real, like all German shit, they got real serious about it and real, like genuine

about it. You know what I mean? They were like, look, we fucked up. We're not going to like, we'll punish ourselves like, like a bad, like a bad little sub in a, in a Berlin sex dungeon. They're like, we deserve, we deserve to be spanked with, with like a metal paddle and we deserve this and we want it and we need it. And I think I respect that. Like they don't like the U.S. You only watch scat porn. Yeah. Nazi scat porn in, in reptiles killing chicks. We're here with Nick Kroll, everybody, who has a new company special, little big boy. And Big Mouth is coming out end of the month, end of the month. And at the end of the month, do you think you'll have time to go into your big Hollywood pool? I will. And then I'll get a bizarre allergic reaction to it.

And then I'll, and I'll continue to be relatable to people beyond myself. Do you screen your latest IMDb credit instead of yelling cannonball before you go in? Big Mouth season five. I go, I go, Bill Burr, Monday morning on Thursday, podcast on YouTube. Is it an IMDb credit? Only God will know. Hey, you're a dad now, man. Yes, I am. I am. You're a dad. I am times two. Two young, two young dads here, just having a combo, two young dads, two young Hollywood dads about two men who made the decision early in life to become fathers who weren't into the Hollywood question. Did you get your first colonoscopy or have your first kid first? Kid, kid first, still haven't gotten the colonoscopy.

I'm going to stick the kid up there and see what he finds. You know what it is, is you like to build tension. So everybody's like, that's how you keep doing more seasons of Big Mouth. Did you do yours? You've done yours? Twice. I'm a vet. Two tours. Honestly, other than the crap you have to drink, easiest thing, but here's the thing, don't drink the shit that they give you. Say you want to pay for the good stuff. Yeah, they'll give you the red label. You want the blue label shit? You want the black one? They give you rotgut. Whatever the hell they gave me, dude. It was like three days,

and I thought it was the procedure, and I had to think back like, no, it wasn't like that the first time. It was the first time. I got the Johnny blue the first time. It was easy. It was a freaking cakewalk. The first time you were like a fancy Japanese businessman, and the second time you were just like a homeless guy getting a plastic bottle whiskey. The second time I packed my own shoe. No, Billy bounce for like three days. No, seriously, I was like, I was like, this is not the procedure. I'm not trying to scare people away. It was the rotgut shit that they gave me, dude. I was like walking at like maybe like a 15 degree angle off as I was walking around my house, and you know, I yeah, so if you watch the special, I don't think I need

any to drink anything. I just think I need to eat like one bowl of fettuccine alfredo, and I'll be cleared out for a week. Like I'll just, oh, you're one of those people, huh? Yeah. Yeah, I mentioned I'm Jewish, right? Did I did that come up already? Do you have any? What do you, I don't know. You guys had irritable bowel system. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's now transferred to my skin. My skin is crazy. My skin has gone fucking crazy in the last. It's always been bad, but it's gotten crazy in the last couple of years. Allergic reactions constantly, face exploding. You don't have that? No, this is just naturally how I look.

I was saying, I was always like, Jews get eczema, like, and it's like, they're like, oh, to remind us of the, to build the suffering, to build the pyramids, the quacking, and then Irish get like rosacea. It's like this like rage, rage that lives inside. It must come out in this like blotchy. And it's like, that's our, that's what the two groups and we, and we end up all, we all end up in comedy. We all end up at some point doing in a writer's room. I never, you know what, I never knew that. That's, that's, that's why you gotta, you gotta marry outside. For real. It's like the royal family. I mean, that's just one of the weirdest collection of people. If you looked at them, you would never think that they were winning.

You know what I mean? That they were living in palaces and all of that. They just look like, I don't know, they almost look like they're from the past. They do. Because they all Princess Diana. I don't know where she came from. She was royal, but, or she was fancy, but from like a royal. Yeah. But she brought in, my gut is that she, that she at some point was like new money and they got to bring in a couple hotties, like new money hotties into her, into her bloodstream that leads to her. Can you imagine what they have in that family? You're talking Ebsma and Rosacea. What if you all fucking the same puddle for 500 years? What have they been doing? Well, if you go back and look at

the Habsburgs in like the 1700s, their, their, their eyes were bigger than their chins. I mean, they're, they are these, like they truly were like stomachless, chinless, bizarre, the truly most bizarre looking people. Gold just spilling out of their pockets. So rich and truly incapable of personal or governmental rule, like incapable of controlling their own battles and yet in, in control of millions of people. It's a, what happened to them? The Russian Blackam and Barium in the, I think they literally, I think they, they fucked themselves out of power. I believe, I mean, they might have gotten all the way to World War one. I mean, that's kind of where World War one happens is just like all these people being like, we need fascists. We need

Austro-Hungarian. We need like people to get us out of these like inbred monsters, dictated in pensions. I think that's what happened. I hope that's what happened. That was fascinating. The world was ruled by inbred monsters who had all the gold. Yeah. So finally, their eyes were bigger than their chins. Can you develop that? It's not too late. I mean, it's, I'm like, shit, why didn't we do that for history of the world? Hey, have you seen Blonde yet? No. Is it good? Oh, you got to take the family. Do you watch it with the kids? I went to the premiere. Oh, was it? Are you in it? No, my buddy is in it, but he ended up not being

there. You're not playing. You're like, I do think you're one of those people that are like, come on, man. Just one of the hottest women ever. Yeah. No, it's like Berk is playing, you know, he's playing like Arthur Miller. You didn't know that Berk got cast as Arthur Miller. By the way, yeah, that guy killed it. Who is it? The guy playing Arthur Miller. Do you know who it is? Probably that guy. The guy, the guy, you played the piano. We kissed Halle Berry when he won the Oscar. Oh, I can't remember anybody's name. Adrian Brody was fucking amazing in that movie. Yeah. Good for him. All right, everybody live reads. You get to look at the struggling face of a man who doesn't like to read out loud.

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and then the enter the code bird so I get credit. And I can go buy some cigars, get a four week trial free postage and a digital scale at stamps.com slash bird. Thanks to stamps.com for sponsoring the show and a special shout out Andrew to find as cigars, find as cigars in Phoenix, Arizona. If that Cardinals game is too loud and you want to leave it half time, that's the place you want to go. They treated me like gold. It was awesome. Thank you to them. Thank you to stamps.com and thank you for listening and watching and God bless America, but only this country because I'm patriotic. You know what I'm into watching right now? What I watch on YouTube? Yeah, let's live stream this. You watch the movie and I sit here and watch you react to it. No, no, no. I'll tell you

what I've been watching. I watch people powerwashing their driveways and walkways. I get a ridiculous amount of satisfaction of that. I'm also watching this guy who does these, I don't know what you call him, like he finds these cars, these great cars that have been sitting in a barn and like rats have gone in there and built nests and shit and pissed on everything and he just goes to work and all he does is wash them. I like that. With the toothbrush inside of that. Oh my God. It is so satisfying to point it to the fucking wheels with that thing and he has all of these measuring like the paint and everything. I watched that and then I've been watching. I started watching Martin Sheen. Masterclass made for TV movies from the 70s. Just Martin Sheen. Well, I watched the first

one. I said I liked it and then this buddy of mine goes, dude, he did like six of those four or five of them during, you know, the lean years to, you know, defeat his family before he did apocalypse now and I watched one called the California kid hour and 10 minutes. Oh, it's him. The perfect length, the perfect length for anything. And a young Nick Nolte. It was great. So this is so this is pre-apocalypse now not post because like it's it's not like like he almost he has like a heart attack at 31 doing apocalypse now on cocaine and then comes back and does TV movies. This is this is before that. He did a movie called The Incident which he played like a hoodlum on on on a subway train. It is kind of funny in like like Bo Bridges is in it. Young Bo

is super young. It's in black and white. And if you ever lived in New York, what's funny is the amount of time between subway stops where all of this stuff happens and like and then the next stuff but it is, you know, you can see why it was an independent movie. They just set it on that. Then he did one based on this real life serial killer. He was doing like all of this sort of darker things. And then he got into the TV movies and I'm just starting to kind of learn about his career. But I like going back and watching those old things because I like looking at the cars. It's not all the noise of today. So that's why I don't I don't know. I know some stuff about what's going on. You know plenty of stuff. Although you saw the bills came back and beat the raven

yesterday. I know what's going on. You know about that. But I mean it's like I'm like Bill, I can't believe you don't know big time current stuff. You've got a Primus poster and the Charles Bronson poster behind you. I stand by both of it. Absolutely. That is the uh that's the French death wish. That's what I've been doing. I'm learning how to speak French. Really? Yeah. You have an insatiable brain. What are you talking about? I'm sorry that might not be right for your brand bill compared to you. I have no interest Bill. I I have no interest every time I talk to you. I'm going to fly a helicopter and now I'm power washing other people's driveways because I found the best one and I'm studying Charles Bronson. You know. No I'm just running from the demons in

my head. You on the other hand when I did the Nick Kroll show you were on that right? I was on fucking sat there one time and basically knew the entire you knew you knew the history of Hollywood the way I know like 70s NFL starting quarterbacks. Oh you will go in studio heads producers like I just want I'm just going to throw out the movie and you tell me the scandal behind it. Okay. Let's see. All right. We're going to try this. I won't be able to do it. We're going to try to stump the eczema guy. All right. Here's how you stump the eczema guy. You take away his steroid creams his topical steroid creams. That's what you do. I've been there. We've all had to take a steroid cream here there. The getaway. The getaway. Oh that's up. Steve McQueen. You

know more about Steve McQueen. Okay. I don't know if this is the right timing but I'll guess. Steve McQueen has started fucking Allie McGraw and and he's taken her away from Robert Evans who's like nose is collapsing at the age of 51 from the amount of cocaine he's already done and and and and he gets away. Steve McQueen gets away and he's in a cool car that you that you fetishize. Actually not cool cars because he's doing the getaway so he like takes off in a fucking station wagon with woods paneling and then they feel something else like a four doors sedan. So it isn't that and just because I'm into cars I don't fetishize it just because you're not a car guy. What do you got? You got some EcoBoost something or other? I had a Prius.

I had an Allie guy for a minute. I had a Prius. I love that car. I had a Prius for a minute. I still like I my aunt has it now. I drive it. It's the loosest drive in America. Dude I met so many chicks in that Prius. Oh man you got no idea. That's something that's never been said. Yeah I would just have to drive down the street and stop but it stops on the second they heard that engine turn off they were like who is this guy? Who is that? He's from the future. I had a Prius. You want to hear my cars? You want to hear my evolution of cars? Can I guess them? Sure please. What year did you start driving? Oh from back then in 95 90

95. Eastern Jewish eczema 95. So I figured the car is like you or Irish should be at least seven years old but your Jewish self say it was about three years old. Bingo. Bam three years old. That's a 92. I'm going to say you had a used Nissan. Oh I appreciate you saying that. It was my mom's Volvo that I put a cigarette burn in the first day I drove it right on the way. You're a little badass huh? Do you have on your Black Mother jacket? Yeah I wish. Picking up the sheriff's daughter at the Bobby's sock? No me. You know me a greaser in a fucking Volvo. Always. I'm just pretty sure your hair all greased back with the Yamaha. Yeah absolutely. Just pretending to be duty. Doesn't that movie need to be made?

Yeah. I got the Jewish gang movie that needs to be made. Oh I'm here. I'm in. The purple gang. Oh what's this? I need more. Purple gang? I didn't know that. Those were Jewish gangsters. Have you gotten the crap around that crow? They said all that Godfather good goodfellas shit. Every Jewish family wants to be like you know the Jews used to be the boxers and they were the gangsters you know what I mean? It's a real thing of like we used to be tough. At one point we were the immigrants and we were tough. Have you gotten cast as a gangster like an Irish gangster or something? Dude who gives a shit? That's been done a million times. No one's shown you guys as the goodfellas. True. There was. I mean I guess you get Meyer Lansky. You know what's his face?

You do the voiceover doing the Jackie Mason impression ever since I could remember. I always wanted. I can remember it. I think I can remember it. I was I like to kill people. I was such rage. Such rage. We would kill everybody. You know this wonderful woman I was dating a long time ago. Of course I fucked it up because she was beautiful and I wasn't and she took me on my birthday for my birthday to go see Jackie Mason live on Broadway. Dude he fucking murdered. He did an hour of stand-up took a break and came back and did another 45. Just murdering. Was he doing crowd work? Was it all just material? It was all material and he was he he he would he had very like economical movement because he

mean by then I mean he lived to be like in his 90s so I saw him he was in his 70s so it was funny when he would do like his little you know like something like that like joking around about Gentiles do this. It was a chair now it's a toilet. His shit was like who was he making fun of? He was making fun of like but he made fun of Democrats Republicans my topical stuff old school shit just a master. I'm so I'm so happy that I got to see him. I never got to see him. If you go back this is a separate but I went back and watched Back to School Rodney Dangerfield. Have you watched that movie recently? It's not even acting he's just doing stand-up. Yes exactly. He's sitting there and they're like the woman who she just passed away who was hotlips in the original mash move.

She's like you know she's the older teacher who he like and she's like Thorsen you're fascinating. He's like I was so fascinating you know like he's just immediately just doing it's not acting at all he's just doing material. I like to tame her shrew okay. Yeah yeah. Frunk me. He's flunk him. And everybody around him is just like it's as if he's having a normal conversation. It's so funny. You know what I love when he is acting too he still has his restless leg syndrome. He's still doing the all right hey this guy's gonna do that what are you gonna say. God living the dream. Living when we uh I did this movie with Pete Davidson a few years and part of the rap party we went over to his place and we watched Easy Money. It was one of my favorite

parties and everybody just sat there just dying laughing. First of all the movie you know in the first 10 pages you kind of they don't do that till 45 minutes into the movie like you don't even know what the fucking movie's about for 45 minutes other than you're laughing. And it says Joe Pesci's in it. Oh what's his face. He passed away. Gotta kill myself not remember. Taylor Negron Taylor Negron's in it. Oh yeah. Tell me you're the man. I meet Taylor Negron. First time I ever meet Taylor I go in for an audition to be on Curb Your Enthusiasm. This is years ago I was like it was I just gotten an agent. I was so excited. I was gonna maybe you know it's like going on audition for Curb and that it was to play like an a feet waiter you know like a which is the nice way of saying like

a fish gay. Like they just couldn't they weren't gonna say. So I go in for the audition the last minute they're like a waiter. Oh yeah they were going deep on that show. Gay waiter and then they were like and at the last minute they're like oh and maybe it should be like foreign you know when I get there they tell me for I was like okay I can do that. Okay I walk right before me Taylor Negron walks in and like they all know I mean he was on Seinfeld. He goes in and the whole room's like and just he crushes like you can hear it from outside the room. He just crushes and then I go in and it was I mean it was just like they were like hi nice to you know what I mean and that was that but I was like of course and and Taylor Negron. We've already cast this role greeting.

Yes. Yeah that's that's known as we're just gonna do the first scene. Yeah yes those of you not in this business that's what they do like prepare scenes you know three scenes and blah blah blah dude I used to get that all the time when they would just see me when I would walk in because back then you had black and white uh headshots and moose was in and I had moose in my hair so my hair kind of red brown yeah yeah you know and my agent wasn't gonna tell him so anytime I went in there if it was like occasionally I would go in for a lead I'd be like they just don't pick a red head male lead and I would walk in I would see it in that face and it was always like okay we're just just let's just go to uh let's just do great let's just do scene three we're a little behind

yeah we know we know what you can do let's just and I was just like we just need you to you know we just need you to see you drink the coffee and we're good actually we don't even need to get audio on this we just need to see you drink it I don't know if you got the rewrites but the character is now walking out that door and you're like they don't cast red heads and then you turn it on and it's caruso and nypd blue oh he's the guy he's the guy that broke open broke open the door and then slammed it shut when his movies didn't work he crossed nypd blue and then he made really good movies like jade and and they just didn't hit and then all the hollywood I fell was like that's right that's right you almost albino you get back go back in your closet go back in your closet but

you don't tan that is the dream you don't get the gun you don't get the girl talk to the guy who does but it's a better place to be talking to the guy who does uh the guy who does it's it's them none of those guys it seems exhausting seems exhausting to be that guy oh number one in the call sheet no that's not what you want to be no I had somebody a long time ago told me he goes you want to be about eight eight or nine in the call sheet you got enough lines where you're not going to get cut out but you don't have to work every day and you're on location you can go around town check it out get some eat I'm not working today hey I'm working two days I'm off for a week oh go to the gym live a nice life yes pregnant a local and pregnant a local and then leave I mean that's

I've always wanted a second family the family in Wilmington North Carolina uh yeah it is it's it's true it's like you see those guys who are number one you're like how you doing they're like good I uh I've been on for 70 days straight and then uh would you the press tour and I can't eat at a restaurant and uh uh everyone hates my new girlfriends so things are good things are really good nightmare I just read a book about Wilmington North Carolina really what was it about the port what was it about uh it was about uh this this thing they did in the late 1800s it's not good for tourism it's called Wilmington's lie the insurrection of 1892 it's actually it makes now it makes a lot of what's going on you understand like how the fuck did we get here why are we all

yelling at each other why don't we like you know this is stupid why why are we all yelling each other and these eight assholes are you know you're cheating us like little marionette puppets and you're just kind of all it's I highly recommend it I actually I don't read dude you wouldn't know this about me I don't read so uh I look very busy watching power washing videos how do you have time to read I read books I read like four pages every night before I go to sleep that's what I that's that's how I fall asleep is I read like a few pages of a book and it means I read like four books a year but I don't read during the day because I will fall asleep immediately uh I have a good thing you know what's funny I discovered coffee this year I mean I knew it was

out there but I finally started drinking it and uh now I'm just kind of realizing that it's better to just take a nap than to drink coffee well then to trick your body into thinking that it isn't tired like it wakes up it's like no it isn't I guess it blocks but it's oh dude it tastes so fucking good dude all right wait how do you make it to 38 uh and not drink coffee 38 in the business old David tell Joe um because my dad used to my dad used to drink it and he would leave it and he would leave like this much and he and I would come by an hour later and I would drink cold like 1970s instant coffee I'm like this is in sanca drinking cold sanca my parents were folgers they had the flavor crystals in there yeah which turned out to be I'm sure like turned out to be like

like sealing installation like fiberglass to open up the throat pores and spastic from the factory that's basically it just fell into the uh what do we do yeah we're in the public ah they're flavor crystals and then that just opened up all of the just so that the coffee could enter the bloodstream faster and they're like what a dream well that's like uh you know this is scary and also makes me want to try it just for the buzz doing tobacco oh yeah had like microscopic pieces of glass yeah the inside of your mouth so the tobacco would go like right to your brain you never I thought you'd drive him stock cars faster you never had that Mary Gantt skull bandit getting that

she had some carbon hiking you never you never packed a lip you never did uh no I just I I was afraid of getting cancer and all that but I'll be honest with you I thought that chewing tobacco was the coolest fucking thing everybody in baseball did it all the badasses in my town did it hopefully me too badasses in my town they got the good looking chicks they dipped and they played hacky sack so weird combination but there was a moment where hacky sack was not a hippy thing no it was cool and those guys and they're all doing great now I'm assuming right as far as I know one of the guys who was the best at it I just ran it to him when I was uh I was torn on what the fuck I was at but he came by it was this this oh this is

actually cool story he was this fucking like one of the best class clowns I ever met in my life and he was in my division in eighth grade they called him divisions like it was army whatever and um that was the fastest school year of my childhood that guy made me laugh so hard I was like I just I I put my head down started laughing and I woke up and it was already April did not do well that year he was like he was just a fucking and I don't know how he's just he was however he was funny totally just connected with me and he just made me laugh my ass off and I uh yeah recently he just came out to a show and typical you know he didn't remember that he was I didn't think I was that funny I was like dude you were fucking hilarious and and he didn't

remember he doesn't remember himself what did your publicist just text you do you have to get off this thing no I'm trying to return I'm I'm I'm I've come back to LA and I'm trying to connect with a baby uh rental equipment uh you're gonna power wash your baby I rented a high chair in New York and now I'm and now the guy's trying to pick it up from the apartment that I was at and so I was I was getting like 15 calls in a row and I'm like who's fucking won't stop calling and I'm like oh it's someone trying to I'm trying to get get a baby chair back pretty sexy stuff yeah that is not my agent it was some guy being like I want my fucking high chair back you piece of shit when are you and I gonna work together again let's see well I want uh let's see I wanted you on

history of the world you were busy making your movies are done we're all we have to do is score it and put the color on it and we're done uh just get rid of give it some highlights let's just see what America thinks of it I think we'll be just on a little juge we're gonna juge we love it bill the roof everyone loves it there's been a focused group we're wondering if you need to be balled in this one so we're wondering what it would cost to paint in just paint in some hair we'll do it real quick it'll just be like 72 quick sessions you can still see your family still see your family you got everyone can come by the set and see you um I want your sister back out of your I want to do I want to do anything with you I you know I I'm I'm down what do you what do you

I mean like uh what do we do I don't know what to do now because I'm done that's all right there's something uh there's a guy oh I gotta remember this guy there's a guy that if the two you got on screen maybe there wouldn't be enough fucking room with both of your talents I gotta send you to this this guy that I follow oh what the fuck is his name because I really want to give him a shout out I'll text it to you okay he uh here's what I was all all of that shit where like he'll like he's like in drag or he'll do like you know you can make like yourself have like a little face like all that Kyle Dunnigan stuff yeah he's completely away from what Kyle does and and he yes is this Brian Jordan Alvarez yes yeah that dude's fucking funny that fucking guy so funny

flashing is my life to me my wife sang that for a week when I was his he's got my wife he's like I stay home and do my music my wife she is going for the day he's so I like a random laugh he would want the water one he was even some lake or something he goes I am here at the water he doesn't like that fucking laugh that kills me every time do you think if you had started now you'd be making those videos you know what I mean like an Instagram guy like you would be one of those guys doing the videos yeah I would have there's a whole bunch of shit like a lot of sketch stuff and characters and all that stuff that I just never did because I got into like stand up but um you know Bill I'm gonna

pay a compliment you I saw you I mean I knew who you were I'd seen you I saw you at Starbucks I saw bald ginger stand in line like that I had never seen and when they and when they called your name and you said I asked for almond milk it was I was so blown away at the the humility that you had when you screamed at that poor woman behind the couch no I saw you I'd seen you around but then I saw you at it really changed how I wanted to do comedy which I saw you at crash test which was Aziz's show back at UCB this is like you know 15 years ago in New York and you were like and this was at a time where I was like oh the old guys are over here and the club guys are over here and I watch you come into crash test and I watch you fucking crush in what in a hipster audience

because in my mind it's like oh you don't like the club guys kill at the clubs but they can't fucking crush it and you you guys hated us well you guys hated us let's not no no no no no but I would even call you guys because I wasn't even around I wasn't in the mix you guys you guys would do interviews and say we're not in the clubs doing airplane material get ready for a fucking Conan set you guys amernus I wasn't doing interviews yet I was dying to do interviews I wasn't anywhere near him so but I but it was there was this sort of we had we were after a while we resented you guys because all the industry went there but initially initially the way it was sold this was initially it was club comics doing it they

created the scene but that second wave they were the ones that came in like they were the wine tasters of comedy and that their shit mmm well yeah this was a great year's shit joke that's when it became yeah guys were all hunting and then except when you did a benefit then you guys were real nice to us club guys and all said you had to get out of there because you didn't want to go on after us that's the truth so I again I wasn't there yet I was just watching those guys you were in the tower you were taking orders go ahead I was I was just watching waiting just waiting yes I could see the smoke but I couldn't so so I but I remember watching you fucking crush at at a hipster show and I was like oh okay I gotta go to the club I got

I was like that was when I was like oh I gotta go to the clubs I gotta learn how to make everybody laugh if because Bert I was and I you know and and now I'm doing Three Nights of Fenway and I got to thank you for that because I know I remember that's all true that's all because I remember that I was like I remember thinking when you will come up this is one of the few guys that gets it because I felt like when I was doing certain comedy clubs in most of the alt rooms I felt like the crowd it would you like a radio station like I performed a white people from ages 18 to 24 that are into superheroes and then there was another club that I did where it was just like this Boston club that I used to do and you know before that the comedy at it no I can't

no so many of them went under was I got I went to those satellite rooms and it was just something about that area that everyone was just so from that area so if you somehow could just shrink your act into the one block that they all lived on you were a god and they would carry you out of the place but the second you you went to the next town over you might as well have been speaking another language or whatever so it's it was a really it was a super useful lesson to me and I so I uh I appreciate that and I've literally watched and it's the proof is in the pudding you fucking kill for everybody everywhere and uh so I don't so relatable I'm trying to get there man you know what I got to remember this Nick everybody has to shit so that's where you start your act

from you buddy I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna ask you I'm gonna ask you to watch my special where I tell them three to four shit pants stories uh trying to try to try to a lot of this about your irritable bowel system it's about yeah it's about it's about my it's just about shitting my pants a bunch I shit my pants a bunch as an adult irritable bowel system is when you get hair plugs for your asterisk it's a system it's a system of butt plugs not butt plugs for sexual pleasure I'm also a client and then you drop your pants in the end I'm not just the president of this butt plug this butt plug system we've got Jason Alexander we've got all I remember let's I'll say this real quick before we wrap this up here um and you have gone over which means I am

I am enjoying you good it's okay because whenever I say I got to wrap this up people like when you were fucking when I went to do your show crow's show I forget the name of that lunatic character that you were playing with with the fucking Dr. Armand oh my god Dr. Armand and I came out I'd done a little hair and makeup but I came out and I saw you stand it you were already in character I just remember like this guy is out of his fucking mind and this is gonna be yeah well I used to act out all the words that you said that weird pic that he had well because he couldn't move his face because he had had so much work done so the only way I could get expression at was to do everything he did it was a he was a plastic surgeon

for dogs who then got caught in like a staircase true crime world and you were the cop who was on him yeah he murdered his wife I still think he was guilty he's still thinking murdered his wife all these years are you that's how much you commit to the role well that's why he had the plastic surgery I felt because he didn't want to betray his guilt and he want to have the perfect poker face where I couldn't tell if he was innocent or guilty that's how deep Bill Burgos is an actor people don't realize this hey man it wasn't just a sketch to me no that was a real crime I'm still on I by the way that's the way to do it that's the way you got to do it you got to go all all in all in all the time it and it works it works that's why another great memory is I

worked with Ron Howard Howard's father on one of the sketches yes he told me what it was like to work on Coolhand Luke Jesus he was one of the eggs huh he's mad at them eggs all right get crow everybody check out his new stand-up special and the runaway hit big mouth on Netflix I love you brother I hope we get to at least hang out or something and debate all comedy versus club comedy okay bye buddy good to see you both thanks for having me you hey what's going on is Bill Byrne it's the Monday morning podcast about the October 6th 2014 hello it's me I haven't podcast for a long long time actually

it was last Monday in the morning it's important to me hey what's going on how are you as you can tell I screamed and yelled all this fucking weekend and that only means one thing oh Billy Redface had a stand-up gig if you're new to my podcast well why is your voice get raspy after you have a show because I don't know how to write a joke so what I have to do is I have to scream my ideas I have to use the F word right and left and left and right you know and then make silly faces I was actually up in San Francisco if you're going to San Francisco I'm gonna put some flowers in your hair yeah and some change in your

pockets for the fucking 9,000 homeless people they have up there Jesus Christ just inundated with them you know what's great it was towards the end of the month and two great things wait that doesn't make sense the beginning of the month was back when you wouldn't see the homeless people in San Francisco because they actually gave them a stipend which was a you know a little bit of money so they could get them off the fucking streets you know like these fucking people know how to handle money they knew how to handle money they would they wouldn't have been homeless hey this guy sucks at math I know let's give him an

algebra book all right see you fella good luck with that we're not gonna teach you on any level that's not even true that's it that's even worse that that example doesn't even make sense that wasn't the correct example because if somebody sucks with money and you just give them money you know somebody sucks at math you give them an algebra book they could actually learn about math how do you just give somebody some math give them a bag of numbers whatever you want you know what I'm trying to say all right and even if you don't I don't know that you don't because you can't call into this show all right the phone lines

the non-existent phone lines cannot light up trying to write down Alabama so I don't forget to talk about them this week Alabama the dream ended this weekend anyway so I was up there in San Francisco and I was working Davies Symphony Hall and I had a great time and you know my favorite part of the fucking weekend was Jay Lawhead Jason Lawhead Rose Bowl tailgate legend Jason Lawhead before he's gonna bring me out he's like he's like what do you want I should turn on the fucking air condition can you hear that stupid thing rattling I try to tell her you know you try to tell your wife you don't want

something and what are they they fucking do it anyways because they think that they know I know what's good for him I know it's good from hang on I gotta shut this fucking thing off all right I'm back I'm fucking believable I swear to God they did you know for all that bitch moaning and complaining they do on all those those fucking yap-yapping shows there you know I know what's what's better than one woman running her yeah well let's get three others and have them all sit around with their shoes you know yep-yapping about all the fucking shit that's going on are those shows by the way the view the talk and

all those are those like women's versions of like a guy watching those stupid pregame NFL shows you know rather than for broads you got fucking for meethead guys in their suits you know it's it's a it's a bubble screen John Gruden says fucking bubble screen one more goddamn time this fucking week I got it it's a bubble screen there's a screen and there's a bubble and he's got an option and they're gonna fucking have the linemen go this way and see what they do is I think it's a run okay then he has this option over here if he wants to we can throw it back against the field over there if he doesn't he can

keep the fucking ball and he can try to run it but the key is the quarter back has to understand when to make a decision to either release the ball or to hold on to it I'll tell you what when you when you start doing something like that that's when good things will be happening in the national football league so just all of that dumb shit that I just fucking said that I don't need to know I don't need to know any of that I don't need to know what a fucking bubble screen is to watch a goddamn gay it's a hot read it's a hot read it comes up in the line it's a fucking hot is it a hot read it's a hot read can't just be

he goes up to the line and if he sees something yeah let's fucking do it and if he doesn't let's just stick with the play it's a hot read on a bubble screen in a cover to tango Sierra Alpha anyway so I'm up there in San Francisco and for once every I was up there Friday say and Sunday and it was beautiful weather every single day 85 degrees 80 degrees global warming at its finest right this is how miserable the fucking weather is in San Francisco they most places don't have air conditioning because they don't fucking need it they're in California and they don't need air conditioning all right why don't you wrap your little

fucking podcasting listening brain around that all right not sure when you think about it California goes pretty much almost the entire coast of the west coast of the continental United States the lower 48 anyways so I guess at some point right you got to be as far north is like wow man I know they get snow but I know people in Wyoming gotta have fucking air conditioning does anybody in Wyoming listen to this are you out there right now on a horse just sitting there staring at cattle trying to figure out what's out there that keeps killing one of your cows every fucking eight days sitting there arguing with

your buddies look at the bite my little bite marks there I ain't no fucking coyote coyote can't kill a fucking cow you dumb son of a bitch you know you get that from you get that from your mother I knew she was fucking dumb the moment I looked down at her boots all right but her tits were hanging out my favorite song was on the jukebox so I said fuck it I ain't got nothing in the back of my truck I layered down there stick my course light on the forehead and I'll tell you what I'm gonna put it right in there the next thing you know she starts calling me up on my CB come in there good buddy my stomach's getting

bigger and I ain't been eating shit I think I'm pregnant and I'm like why ain't this a son of a bitch all right unless Jesus is coming back again as a baby it must be mine so here you are here you are half a fucking stupid telling me that a goddamn coyote killed this fucking cow now I'll tell you one more time that it was a pack of wolves and if you keep having that dumb look on your face I swear to fucking God I must shoot you on my own goddamn property is that understood I'll quit your crying you're just like your mother if you're out there in Wyoming all right yeah I know you got air conditioning you might not

have teeth but I know you have air I'm sorry why do I keep doing this you know what's funny about Wyoming a lot of it is fucking rich people who've gone out there and bought property like Ted fucking Turner like Ted Turner I think can ride his horse from the border of the United States and Mexico and ride his fucking horse all the way up to Canada at least that's his goal without ever not being on his own property you know and like most driven men at any point does he even think about the fucking horse that does not want to walk gallop or trot all the things that horses do shit in public it doesn't want

to do it doesn't want to do that it never wanted you on its back to begin with why the fuck would it want you on its back Jesus Christ your Ted Turner you can't afford a robot horse huh with your jeopardy mustache haven't said all that great investment I gotta tell you that Ted Turner you know when it comes to money he understands it you know it'd be great if Ted Turner just walked up to a homeless guy and rather than explain money to him just started yelling at him about money dressing him down you know like a head coach pissed off at his fucking starting quarterback who's making a bunch of mistakes right and his job

is like right on the bubble you know if he just came walking up to the homeless guy throws a fucking clipboard down on his feet after he sees the guy buy some fucking heroin with a bunch of nickels I don't fucking I don't got any of me to yell again all right I'm sorry just set up a total comedy scenario and now I'm bailing all right I'm fucking rolling right out of it you know I can't do a Ted Turner I even know what he sounds like I just when I picture in my picture Norm MacDonald when he used to imitate that guy used to hold the pen and run for president Bob Dole I'm Bob Dole that's how you picture Ted Turner talking Ted

Turner talking a new talk show he's so fucking rich he doesn't have any guess all right so anyways I go up to San Francisco and the weather is beautiful and you know I got some family and friends up there we fucking hang out what do we do what do we do Friday night oh went out to this unbelievable Italian restaurant and I actually have been craving a pork chop for a while for years actually I'm not gonna lie to you I got a I got a great pork chop why is that word sound so annoying pork chop at this restaurant out here in LA and it was so fucking unbelievably good all right so unbelievably fucking that I

came back like 10 days later going I gotta get this pork chop again pork chops and applesauce gee Alice that's well right pretty much pretty much reference there pork chops and applesauce gee Alice that's well and I fucking I went back and they had taken it off the menu and then I ordered something else and it sucked in fact everything sucked the offense act the defense act we sucked the whole fucking the whole meal stunk so I went years just thinking about this fucking pork chop waiting for the right fucking restaurant with the right level of quality of food that if it was on the

goddamn menu I was gonna order it there's not a lot of play not a lot of nice restaurants will serve you a fucking pork chop you know your choices are usually you know steak some sort of chicken fish maybe lamb all right they might do a pulled pork they might do a pig ear fucking sandwich a brisket or whatever but to try to get somebody to get them to make a fucking pork chop all right the way that your mother never did because who's kidding who who's kidding who moms do not know how to cook pork chops all right they just take as my dad would say Christ you cook the shit out of it right they cook the shit

out of it which is very easy to do with pork I don't know why but it's very easy for that thing to taste like one of the fucking tiles that's on the floor your kitchen so anyways I went to this restaurant this Italian restaurant that had homemade fucking pasta one of my favorites and I saw that pork chop and I said fuck that pasta all right there Luigi you tell Clemenza in the kitchen I don't eat his fucking pasta all right I want I want a fucking pork chop so I order this pork chop I got a side of pasta the pasta was fucking outstanding and I know like most times most shows like Anthony Bourdain would

tell you what fucking restaurant he went to I don't do that you know why because I want to be able to go back there without standing in any sort of a fucking line so why don't you go to San Francisco and figure it out for yourself that would be my cooking show do you like how arrogant I am Anthony Bourdain has this huge fucking millions and millions of fans watching his show I just got you know I got a couple thousand fans listen to this fucking thing and I want to make sure I cannot guys I can't say the names of things on my podcast the crush of people that will be showing up to get a

fucking pork chop and goddamn oh my god are you kidding me oh my god are you kidding me oh my god all right I thought the fucking I just thought this whole fucking thing just shut off when I set it back down I'm doing this right as I woke up you know how many times that's happened to me like I go to restart it and then I fucking riff for 20 minutes and I look in the fucking recorders off and I'm like oh my god just like I just said oh my are you fucking kidding I gotta do it all over again I had that really funny character from Wyoming I'll never be able to recreate it all right good I just fucking panicked and you

know what that brings me to a fucking unbelievable story that I got to talk about later let me finish with the pork chop then I'll do a little bit of advertising all right that's your second course all right the dessert will be my little fucking story about panicking that will not be enjoyable to listen to it absolutely terrified me all right so I ordered this fucking pork chop absolutely delicious absolutely fucking delicious you know and I was I talking about yeah and I'm not gonna tell you where I got it not only what I never tell you if I know I can't even remember the name of it so now I'm fucked I don't know who

gives a shit you heard me trying to remember the name of the fucking X man that's a goddamn zillion dollar movie I'm gonna remember the name of a restaurant the fuck was it called it was a number in it I remember that Jesus Christ this is when the cops would just put away their little fucking you know that little pad that they write on they probably have an iPad now can you describe what he looked like I don't know why don't you go fucking look at the security footage we're in the middle of nowhere well fucking call up the drone company I'm sure they were watching something fucking nerd weirdos jerking

off to the top of my head all right let's get let's do a little bit of advertising here for this week everybody all right what is going on with this shit come on bill for Christ fucking sakes all right I swear to God me undies right me undies I swear to God this is the name of a company me undies everybody it's unbelievable how putting on a great pair of underwear changes your entire outlook for the day that is not a joke you know that feeling of putting on that ratty old saggy underwear I want you to know the feeling of wearing great fitting great looking underwear that's cupping your balls there this is

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check out a dick me undies men yep those are underwear men's pajama pants men's french terry slim sweatpants unisex french terry sweatshorts they got boxer briefs they got trunk and they got the men's brief you know what I gotta tell you those things look comfortable as hell I owe them apology you guys got to go to me undies me undies cup your motherfucking balls boo boo boo me undies me undies all right let's get back to the fucking podcast all right where the hell are we oh yeah so I go up to San Francisco and I got this great porch up and smoked a cigar at the top of one of those goddamn hills and called it a

night and oh my god I almost forgot about the fucking steam room I gotta tell you about the fucking steam room I gotta make sure I remember to tell you that alright so let's just get to the show so I go over to a Davey Symphony Hall beautiful venue bunch of people showed up and so before I I go out on stage or whatever before we're starting the show Jason Lawhead goes hey Bill he's like what do you want me to say about you and I was like you know I'm gonna see him on Netflix letterman and he goes you want me to hype the new special and I said yeah if you don't mind doing that he said absolutely when's it come out

what's it called I said it comes out December 5th on Netflix and it's called I'm sorry you feel that way and he goes okay all right cool and then five minutes later he goes hey what's your special called again I keep thinking why do I do this what I go it's called I'm sorry you feel this way he goes okay I got it I got it and I looked at him I go Jay he's like what I go you're gonna fuck this up and he goes no I'm not I'm a professional and he laughs and he leaves so he goes out he does this thing he gets to his clothes and bit it crushes right and I'm like okay you know I'm in the bubble I'm getting ready to get

brought out so I'm ready to get brought out and I'm waiting for him you know to do his little fighting out of the red corner he stands at five foot ten he can't get a tan he's got freckles on his ass he is the raiding right but he doesn't do that he just starts talking he finishes fucking act like he always does he kills like he always does and now he's supposed to fucking bring me up and instead of bringing me up he starts yammering all in on going yeah it's been great out here to be here in San Francisco beautiful weather today you know me and Bill were out there sampling some of the local fair blah blah blah

blah blah and he just starts just not telling jokes not really telling a story just sort of vaguely describing the day yeah it was about 82 degrees out there bear or make quick pressure and I'm sitting there going what the fuck is this guy doing and then he just goes all right you guys ready for the man you came to see you know you know he is got a special coming out on Netflix and then he just looks over at me and he goes ah he's like I can't remember what it's called and then I fucking died laughing died laughing because then I realized what he was doing he wasn't even talking to the crowd he was just saying

English words that they'd understand is in his brain he was going what the fuck is it called so I went out there and for five minutes just trashed him for saying sampling some of the local fair and looking back I should have trashed the crowd for not immediately heckling him for saying fucking sampling some of the local fair what the fuck does that mean do you realize what a creepy a creepy fucking expression that is sampling the local fair anybody who just blew into town could be talking about anything from getting something to eat to being a fucking serial rapist that was sampling some of the local fair you

know that's something like Hannibal Lecter would say if he fucking took a bite out of your neck so anyways so I went out there and I tried a bunch of new shit and it seemed to work and then we did it was just it was just a perfect show man that first show was just awesome right not saying the second one wasn't but I had such a funny moment during the show where I'm in the middle of my act and the Giants you know they're in the playoffs playoffs and I'm in the middle of one of my jokes and I have no idea what's going on in the game and all of a sudden this guy just yells out in the upper deck he just goes two to one

Giants and the crowd just fucking erupts into cheers so I immediately do the math I'm right San Francisco Giants it's fucking October that's right I've been watching some of the minutes the playoffs and I was like all right I can't get mad at that I can't get mad at that your Giants fans you want to be watching the game but you fucking bought tickets to my show so you know you're gonna do a little multitask in there so I said all right two to one night was like what inning is it and the crowd starts yelling you know when a bunch people are yelling and you're standing up on stage it bounce the sound bounces

off the wall behind you and it can be very hard to understand what people are saying so I was like what is it and I am I'm like what what is it and I go I can't hear you and I'm going 80 like 80 come on what what it just fucking hold up your fingers and they kept yelling out and it sounded like they were saying eight I go you know it sounds like you're saying 18 what inning just one person one person was holding up seven fingers so I was like the seventh and they were like 18 that's what it kept sounding like I kept going it keeps sounding like you're saying the 18th a minute 90 excruciating seconds of this until I find out they

were actually saying 18 it was the fucking 18th inning the national score to run in like the third fucking inning to go up one to nothing and then the Giants scored one in the top of the ninth to tie it up or the bottom of the ninths on top of the ninth that's right it was in Washington to tie it at one to one and then they didn't score again until the fucking top of the 18th and neither did the Nationals the Nationals went 15 fucking innings without scoring a run the Giants played a whole nother baseball game before they scored another fucking run and I'm fucking believable and you know what it's

often off that happened in the middle of July you'd want to kill yourself but if it happens in October it's unbelievable you know for as much shit as people give me as a hockey fan why do you watch the regular season it doesn't even count everybody makes it but like for fucking teams it's like yeah but there's exciting games they're allowed to fight okay there's great things that can happen you know baseball on the other fucking hand other than the beginning in April we're excited because it's a new season other than that I mean it's just it's fucking brutal until you get to October and I would put baseball playoffs right up

playoffs I put it up there with any other fucking playoffs I actually what I love October baseball it's this is the best time of fucking year October playoff baseball national football league the National Football League has been going on long enough where you starting to know who's gonna be competitive and who isn't and then hockey's coming up and then right after that basketball it's unfucking believable it's unbelievable my life is perfect and I actually watched that first Cardinals Dodgers game I didn't see game two I watched game one and I was I am

100% convinced that Donnie baseball is cursed I mean they had their race what's the guy Kershaw I don't even know I don't watch baseball I have no fucking idea and all I do is I just keep hearing about this guy that he's basically having like a season better than Pedro Martinez in like 1999 I'm like I got to watch this guy and I start watching the game and I know the Dodgers have this that unbelievable right fielder he's like fucking Willie Mays on steroids not literally steroids but you know people are just bigger now and so he gets drilled in the fucking arm when he's up there and I guess the Cardinals

were doing that shit last year so all of a sudden the next guy comes up their first baseman who's like my height he gets in the face of fucking some guy named Benji I don't know anybody's name anymore they start fucking screaming at each other and I was I was totally hooked I was into it the fucking Dodgers were up six to two going into the seventh or eighth fucking inning all right I think Clayton Kershaw is the name of the pitcher I have no fucking idea but now they all have beards and all that crazy shit they all stole it from the Red Sox who stole it from the homeless guys right and you know they got

their fucking ace guys got now was it six to one or six to two it's got a four-run fucking lead the goddamn game is over all of a sudden he loads up the basis there's a single six to three there's another single six to four Donnie baseball comes walking out like dude what the fuck are you doing in the little bearded wonder goes hey I may not be able to grow a man's beard but I know how to get out of this fucking inning all right I'm only at a hundred pitches I won the Cy Young Award I want every fucking award you can win as a goddamn pitcher I got this Donnie and Donnie baseball makes the right choice

that's a fucking loot Lee this is the move to make we got a win game one we got to do it on your arm right fucking comes up this other fucking dude who owns him this is the worst fucking sports coverage ever I don't know anybody's name he fucking it's a goddamn double that just clears the basis three run score six to five six to six now it's six to seven they're down by a fucking run and they got a man on second now Donnie baseball comes out pulls this fucking kid brings in this fucking poluca he comes in serves up a fucking meatball and that's gotta be the St. Louis fucking announcer they score two

more runs it is now nine to six they started the inning six to two up four fucking runs with the greatest pitcher of the last 15 fucking years by the end of the inning they are down by three runs how does that happen you know bad I'm rooting for the Dodgers to win there's so many teams that I love this year Kansas City you got to love that they're back in at the Baltimore Orioles you got to love that they're back in it you know Don Mattingly you got to want that guy to win a fucking you know win a ring and then he got the Giants I mean you know they've just won two I mean I like seeing a fucking dynasty or whatever

the fuck they would be called it's great right just a lot of fucking teams to root for and then that's sitting there suggesting that maybe the Cardinals are stealing signs from second base and that they have a reputation for doing that and once I found out that's not illegal it's like I fucking love these guys even if it was illegal that's the kind of cheating that you got to respect you know if you can look over at your fucking neighbor's paper and they're smarter than you are you know are you really cheating are you just delegating power anyways I don't what the fuck I'm talking about so I watched that whole

game beside myself I just can't fucking believe it and the thing about Don Mattingly is such a class act and he just sits there expressionless and you know it's just ripping his fucking heart out I want to see that guy get a ring so goddamn bad if he doesn't I would love to see either the Royals or the Orioles because when I first started watching playoff baseball it was always the Royals would always win the West and they could not get past the Yankees and then there was when did they finally finally got by him in 1980 and then lost to the Phillies with Pete Rose at first base dribbling the ball up to the

pitcher on the fucking Astro turf and and the Orioles I let's see I saw them win it in 83 in the first World Series well the third World Series that I watched 1979 the Orioles vs. the Pirates so I was hoping the Pirates gonna win their one game playoff and maybe I could have a rematch in 1979 and then they'd bring back we are family I'm sorry anyways so I watched that shit so I'll that I'm rooting for Donnie baseball so anyway so I'm watching that shit then I go out and I go do my show smoke a cigar and one of the greatest things you can do after you smoke the cigars besides take a fucking shower and gargle with

mouthwash for an hour you're still gonna wake up with that taste in the back of your throat so if you have access to a steam shower you go down you take a steam you take a steam and you fucking sweat out all the impurities and and then yeah you're good to go you go out you fucking jump at a cold shower a lot of people don't know how to take a fucking steam you know they fucking go into the steam sweat their fucking nuts off and then they walk out and they stand there oh god it's out of shit and they just stand there and then they fucking go back in and then they come back out and then they go I got one more

session in me they fucking go back in again morons fucking morons all right this is how you take a steam you just stay in there for like 10 minutes that's all you need and as you're in there for 10 minutes be wiping the fucking sweat off of you your body is when you sweat it's releasing toxins your skin is like a sponge if you let it sit there on you okay you're gonna fucking reabsorb some of it as you're sitting there in the fucking steam shower these fucking guys do that then you're supposed to walk out of the steam shower and immediately walk in and take an ice cold shower immediately so your pores stay

closed and you wash off as much of the fucking toxins that you sweat it out as possible and you will feel like a fucking million bucks all right all you need to do is just be in the water the ice cold water for like you know whatever five six seconds how long it takes you to fucking hose off your body and then you can turn it on to acceptable temperature and then you're good to go and you always wear flip-flops so you don't get fucking planters warts or athletes foot or any other fucking awful bacteria that's that's that's in the goddamn you know thing there right so anyways the fucking I was I gotta say

so if we fucking go there it isn't I walk in I'm with lawhead and I walk in to see if there's anybody in the steam shower and I walk and there's the the sauna which is just the dry heat and I look in there and there is this Asian dude completely fucking naked okay he had the decency to put his arm in front of his junk as I walk by kind of like Bert Reynolds when he did the fucking the playgirl whatever the playgirl centerfold or whatever the fuck he did so I'm like oh god a naked Asian a nation we got a nation in there lie it he's like and we just sit I mean sitting there butt-ass naked on the fucking seat that

someone else has to sit on it's fucking unbelievable so me and lawhead you know I was walking in to make sure that the steam was on so then we fucking come walking back in and as we walk back in the the naked Asian the nation there is had gone into the shower he knew to take the cold shower and he just comes walking out completely fucking naked all right so I'm laughing there's always the fucking naked guy all right so then I I open the sauna and no no no no I fucked up as we go that's right then we go back to the lock as we change now we're walking back in we're laughing about the naked Asian dude and right as we go to

turn the fucking corner to go into the sauna like the fucking Truman show four people walk in front of us and go right into the sauna there's this little fuck I mean the steam room it's this little ass fucking steam room and they all fucking go in there and I'm thinking oh man maybe maybe there'll be enough room and I open the door and they're all just fucking sitting there it's just a nice guy packed house whatever these guys will just be in here for 10 minutes so me and lawhead go back and we're just sitting there we're laughing about the naked Asian dude right long story short these fucking jerk offs are in this

goddamn steam room and they're doing that shit where they're coming out so fucking hot and then drinking water letting it all reabsorb and then just going back in they're in there for like a fucking half hour so finally me and lawhead are like fuck we got to go in like you know we want to go watch the football what the fuck are we gonna do you know what are our options you got all fucking 20 sweaty ball guys in there or we go in with the nation in the sauna so we say well the naked Asian guy had left at least we thought he did so then we go into the sauna and who comes fucking walking back the naked Asian but

now he's got a fucking towel on now he sits down me and Jay a fucking wearing towels thank God generally speaking they come from a polite culture so he leaves his towel on so I'm thinking all right we're good here we're fucking good here and I'm sitting there and the sauna the sauna isn't hot enough so the door hasn't clouded up so we're just sitting there we can see right out the door and all of a sudden this other naked guy completely fucking naked comes walking out of the fucking the steam thing just butt-ass naked and is standing there like fucking Will Ferrell in old school at the water fountain bending over getting a goddamn

drink and me and Jay are just laughing our asses off staring down at the floor going what the fuck is going on and then the naked Asian guy crosses his fucking legs and starts cracking his toes in the ungodly silence in this fucking sauna is this fucking Will Ferrell asses in front of us we're just like I can't fucking believe right so then we're sitting there we got this still like I said the window isn't fogged up then this fucking World War two vet comes walking by completely fucking naked you know the greatest generation they never put a towel on he comes fucking walking by all man balls and dick and

everything and we at this point which is fucking there's nothing to just start laughing and another guy comes walking and he has a robe on another tub of shit and he goes into the salt he goes into the steam and finally like look if we just don't fucking walk in there we're never gonna be able to take a steam and I fucking hate a sauna I don't like the dry heat I like the other thing so we finally come walking in there all right and as I walk in I see a place where I can sit down this is all fogged up and I see out of the corner of my eye there's someone else sitting there no towel on dick and balls hanging out so I go to

shoot the guy a dirty look and who is it it's the naked Asian I thought he left he didn't he left got in the shower and then fucking went back in there fucking nightmares and then we're sitting in there all right the will Ferrell naked dude two fat fucks in the naked Asian and me and Jay Lawhead is sitting in there right and the football guys now they're running their yaps totally killing any sort of relaxing just sort of chilling out he's relaxing as you can be with fucking you know naked guys all around you and they're sitting there they you know former athletes talking about sports and some sort of benefit that

they would do it oh man Arizona was unbelievable it's just hookers everywhere and people drinking blah blah blah blah kids guys telling the story it was some sort of benefit for kids and in the end he goes you know but it's all about the kids it's all about the kids fucking jerk off starts the story talking about hookers anyways long story short it finally ends up just being the two of us in there and we're just laughing our covered balls off I've never seen I've never seen it like that ever look like if you go to any sort of fucking gym any sort of locker room there's gonna be the naked guy the guy just standing there

right and for you ladies out there you'd probably think that well it's got to be the well-endowed guy showing off his fucking goddamn mule right it usually isn't it's usually just fucking some average guy regular old fucking user friendly dick just standing there you know like the kind of package that they always make when they're like sculptors make you know they never make like a fucking huge dick statue they don't they just draw a regular old dick that's what it usually is and there's usually one of them and you just sit there got out there's always one what a fuck does he fucking not notice he's the only

fucking naked dude in here but there's always that one guy unless you go to the YMCA then there's usually about three because there's older people there I never seen a fucking dick and ball display like this in my life I'm fucking believable we were joking we were waiting for what's his face Uncle Milti to come walking in anyways so that's the dick and ball story so plowing ahead here oh I actually said that I was gonna tell you a fucking a goddamn creepy story here and I gotta wrap this podcast up because I get you know well Billy's got a day job now tell you what I'll read the rest of the advertising and then I'll

I'll tell you this fucking terrifying story that I read while on a plane all right so the terrifying story that I have been teasing teasing you guys about over the last couple of I don't know minutes here so anyways the shows went great in San Francisco and we're flying back and my wife bought Vanity Fair I think I don't know it's the magazine where Robert Downey Jr. is on the cover and he looks like he's leaning out of the porthole of a ship dressed in a tuxedo it makes you think are they are they remaking the Titanic it's one of those photos so she says hey you are you know she knows I'm a fan obviously guys

unbelievable fucking actor and she goes hey this is a great article you ought to read it so I'm looking in the table of contents you know it's one of those magazines you got to go by 50 pages of advertise advertisement before you know you get to the actual story and so I've the table of contents so I found the table of contents and there was this story about this flight that was flying from Brazil to Paris France and it was talking about technology and and how this thing just basically fell out of the fucking sky because the pilots was the perfect storm of not communicating getting confused a malfunction in the

the the system and these guys not being able to recover it was on you know what the malfunction was basically they were flying out and the the captain he'd only got an hour sleep and he wanted to go take a nap they had some thunderstorms or whatever a line of storm clouds coming up they're flying at 36,000 feet and this guy wanted to climb up to 38 which is basically the ceiling that that plane could fly at safely because at that point the air is going to be too thin I and I would assume that the engine has to work too hard to suck in the air suck squeeze bang blow whatever the fuck they say how jet engine works and they said

that the guy sounded nervous and it was this weird thing with a guy had like the the co-pilot had like over 2,500 hours which is a significant amount of time flying a fucking this type of an airplane but most of it was just sitting there while it was on autopilot and this was kind of the point of the the article where how just through the the whole timeline of aviation back in the day you just had stick and rudder guys and they just flew the fucking thing and then gradually they worked in these automated systems and the pilots were arguing against them saying there's nothing better than a thinking human

being and then these automated systems got so good that the basically accidents and everything went through the floor and it became way safer to fly and the automated systems took over but now they've gotten to the point where I don't know if they're saying that they can actually be dangerous so basically what happened was the captain went to go take a nap and then this other guy goes and he sits down and there was a miscommunication as to who the pilot in command was or who was in command or whatever and they don't even have sticks anymore up there they have like a joystick that you move and then the system

interprets the movement like not instantly it has to have that split second where it interprets it and then it it acts on whatever movement you did and the sticks can't the joysticks can't move at the same time like say if both people in both both seats up there if one was to move the joystick to the right and the other was to move it all the way to the left what the computer would do would split the difference on the movement and I don't know it just basically all that happened was they went into this storm and the air was cold enough where the water droplets had formed into ice crystals and it blocked their pedotube

the pedotube is you know is on all aircraft it's just a tube that points towards the front of the aircraft and as you fly as the air is coming in it that's how you figure out your airspeed so what happened was they flew through this ice ice went into the pedotube it froze it up so the air couldn't go in anymore so they no longer could they lost their their airspeed indicator so they immediately lost that all right and they had the lights on in the cabinet they're out over the ocean they must have been then must have not been any moonlight or anything so basically they couldn't see a horizon all right but all

they had to do was just look at that little plane thing that just lets you know if you're level or not and for some reason when they lost their airspeed indicator they then lost all faith in the entire fucking system and the nervous Nelly guy who wanted to climb you know above the storm plate he wanted to fly at the absolute height his immediate instinct was he started pulling the or moving the joystick back and if you lose all faith in your instruments and you and you don't have any horizon to look at you don't know where the fuck you're at and this dude was panicking so he pulled the stick back too far and it

got to the point where they were gonna stall and I forget it's such a long fucking article and it's really involved so he they start the other guy starts going no what are you doing what are you doing do this do this and he starts moving his thing and then that the computer is going dual input meaning that they're both moving the fucking thing so they start going up and down and they basically the fucking nervous Nelly he pulls it all the way back and they start feeling the the airplane starts rocking and that's that point where you're gonna stall because at that point the airfoil is so far back you're

gonna lose lift and if the air is just tumbling over the time it's like all of a sudden now you might as well have a fucking two pieces of plywood like flying into the fucking wind so they start losing altitude so they see that they're losing altitude they're basically starting to fall out of the fucking sky and what kills me is in part of this as they started to drop they started to basically fall out of the fucking sky and not recognizing the sound of of basically is the is the airs rolling over the fucking wind over the wings there that they were starting they were gonna stall they were so in their head looking

at the fucking screens going what the fuck this thing's going haywire where are we they panicked and this fucking guy kept pulling back he pulled back the fucking joystick so far they almost got to a 46 degree angle they said it was so far back that the computer didn't even recognize that is an input that would be possible because no one would do it so it stops saying stall that thing that's you know or pull up pull up it's not wouldn't say pull up there it stopped warning that they were gonna stall so then it got quiet and they're literally just falling out of the fucking sky they were falling it like like 10,000 feet

per minute at one point okay so do the fucking math they're like 36,000 feet up they're falling 10th you got three minutes before you're gonna hit the deck right so these fucking guys the one guy goes no level the nose level the nose so he goes to level it off from 46 degrees to start bringing it back down to something that the computer could actually understand and as he brings it down again it starts going stall stall stall so he pulled back again so it would stop saying that shit and then they're calling the captain and the captain finally goes up there and now he's come in in the middle of this fucking

crisis he doesn't know what's going on he had they he at no point was informed that the pedo tube was frozen and at this point they had lost so much altitude that they were down into warmer air in it and an unfroze and it was the air speed indicator was actually fucking working but they had no faith in it and these guys were basically falling out of the fucking sky and this is the scariest thing when they get to 12,000 feet that was the last moment that they had where they could have just pushed the joystick forward and started to dive and that they would at the speed that they were falling that they would have

had enough time to try to restart those engines and fucking pull back up again you know and basically buzzed the surface of the fucking water and they kept falling they were falling at 1.15,000 feet per minute and the whole thing they just basically pancaked into the ocean in a perfectly good airplane because the pedo tubes froze and because they panicked and because I guess most of their hours is just sitting there letting something else fly the fucking plane I'd never heard of this story I believe it's in Vanity Fair I can't believe I just said all this shit and I can't even tell you and I'm and of

course I'm reading this on a on a flight and I remember at the end of my flight this babyface looking dude gets out babyface to me I'm 46 he looked like he wasn't even 30 and you know he's doing this simple flight San Francisco to LA nice quick flight but whatever you know we were flying commercial airline we're flying all the way up there and but it was during the day so that was one thing that was actually keeping me calm I'm like even if the pedo tubes were to freeze up this guy can still see the horizon but anyways man it was absolutely terrifying and they were writing the dialogue of the shit that

they were saying and every input that they they would like describe what the plane was doing what they should have done and then they would then they would write out the dialogue of what they did and what they said and I'm telling you do my fucking heart was in my throat so for someone who flies all the fucking time you know that wasn't a very fun article to be reading shit I gotta end this fucking podcast I didn't even get into any of the questions for this week really really quickly the Patriots came back against the Bengals and I know a lot of people are now gonna go all the way to the other side oh they're gonna

win the Super Bowl I don't think the Patriots were the team that lost to the Chiefs and I don't think they were necessarily that team last night I think they're somewhere in the middle I'm hoping they're more towards the team that beat the Bengals but I think we got a couple more brutal losses in us you saw what happened when Revis went down and I hate to say it but he gets injured a lot the second he got injured they fucking scored and goddamn 2-3 plays but you know what's amazing about Dorell Revis even the fact that he's on our fucking team and I'm actually cheering for that guy who I couldn't I always

respected but I hate him because he was a jet he's only 29 years old I had no idea he seems like he's been in the league forever and he also looks like he's like 37 all right let's let's plow ahead in the Jets Jesus Christ J ETS Jets Jets Jets they're in a fucking bad way man they are in a bad goddamn way I didn't see that one I watched the Cowboys Texans which was a great game I want I saw a little bit of the Bills game big win for them how about the Cleveland Browns coming back and also the Saints a lot of great games those one-o-clock games were fucking insane this week but I got a plow ahead here

let me just read some of your questions and then I'll get out of here Aussie with an idea Bill how about you shoot your next special in Australia you draw huge crowds here and when was the last time someone shot a special down here you know what I did this last one down south I kind of like taping in a different place I don't know how to fuck what kind of cameras do you guys have over there do you guys make movies over there do you wait for us to make them for you that would be my big question do you have the latest in fucking the technology because then maybe you know maybe I would die wouldn't hey Bill why

don't you get on a plane and fly 14 hours and have jet lag and then do your fucking special I'm not gonna do that I will definitely be touring your country though we're looking at January alright car dear Billy oil rag I want to get an old car and learn to fix it every time I ask someone what making model year I should buy they give me horrible answers can you please narrow it down to two or three cars from the late 60s to the early mid 70s that would be a great car to work on I know there are a ton of answers just looking for a place to start I have a little experience with parts and repair but not a lot that's why I want to

dive right in and learn thanks well look you want to call you want to you will I would ask Christopher Titus he could give you that answer but I would tell you what I would do if I was you all right what I would do is I would buy an old fucking engine all right I would buy that fucking thing that you did whatever that engine mount thing is that you can have not engine mount that thing we can just have it on a rotisserie all right and I would take that entire fucking thing apart and rebuild that engine all right I might even do that a couple of fucking times just so I got it down so that that's how I would

learn don't go out and go buy a whole new a whole fucking car just go buy a fucking engine just take the you know what would you do you'd remove the carburetor then you got the intake manifold then you got the valve covers then you got the valves take all of that shit off then you're down to your fucking you your pistons right I'm not go with the electrical or anything like that but you go all the way you know camshaft all the way down to the crankshaft and if you just start over even if you just put the thing back to fucking gather with the old shit although probably you'll probably have a

problem trying to get some of the shit off you might break something but I would just do that and I would buy if you could buy a four-cylinder I'd look at it the same way I learned how to tune drums you start with your smallest drum that had the fewest amount of lugs so it was easier to tune because you couldn't make that many mistakes so I would actually if I if you can't buy a full four-cylinder engine at a junkyard I would buy an old six-cylinder then you only get six cylinders you got to worry about or you could just buy the eight cylinder then you got to do everything eight fucking times and you're gonna be

that much better at it and I think once you fucking tear down an engine and then just build the thing back up even if you did a couple two three times I mean I think that that's the way to go two three times just buy an old engine buy the whole fucking kit on how to replace everything go through the hell of fucking getting it apart and shit being stuck and frozen and all goop together get that whole fucking thing torn apart and then rebuild the thing make all your fucking mistakes and then do it again and then do it again and then do it again and then do it again and then go out and buy the fucking car you want to buy you know I

mean dude you can buy an old piece of shit fucking engine for a couple hundred bucks and then go buy what I forget how much the I was gonna do this if I ever had fucking time in my life I think that that's the way to go about doing it rather than buying a whole goddamn car that's gonna have all kinds of other fucking problems if you just learn how to do basically the heart of the goddamn engine I really feel like all of a sudden the rest of the car is not going to be nearly as intimidating maybe the transmission could get a little a little scary but that's another thing to go out buy a fucking transmission take it

apart rebuild it put it back together do it again do it again do it again sorry the batteries just crapped out on me there now I'm fucking late I gotta get going here so yeah that's what I would do if if you want to learn how to you know how to fix up a car I mean that's that's that's basic what I would do maybe if you know people who are into cars gear heads out there if you know a better way to go about it which I'm sure you do but that's basic what I would do and but if you are gonna buy a car man I don't know I would maybe what are those cars that always had the slant six that everybody says like the greatest engine

and the easiest thing to work on you know everything's like right in a row all this black plugs all of that stuff is like right there I would work with dodge darts I think usually had those there's the lower level models I don't know I'm not I don't know cars to that level but that is on mom you know I would like to do that at some point just take apart a whole engine and then rebuild it and put it back together even if I didn't put it in something just sell it or something and give it to somebody else because I think that's cool as hell to know how to do something like that if I just had the fucking time in my life and speaking of

time I don't have any time here so I gotta I gotta jump off here thanks to everybody listening to the podcast and thanks to everybody in San Francisco those ridiculous the amount of people that showed up I had a great time and I appreciate you guys listening to the new material as I'm working it out as I have a new special as I mentioned before coming out on Netflix December 5th what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast NFL edition for bet MGM going into week number five as you guys can tell I am sitting here alone well not alone we always have the the Greek freak is always by your side

you know he's like Maverick at the beginning of Top Gun 1 where who was it was it Wolfman way who was the one that was freaking out Cougar Cougar come on Cougar come on as a kid I never knew what his problem was he was just so he's there shaking like what's the matter as a little kid you're like why is he staring at that woman and child in the you know and now you realize but Andrew Thymless is oh Andrew's like we gotta go gotta go get Paul something's wrong we are here Bill we have a weird week right now guys but we're never gonna not do our picks we're never not gonna do our picks but Bill had to go and take care

of a personal matter I am going to the airport because I'm going to Europe so we need to do these picks this way but don't you worry because we have thought out picks and we are ready to go but before we get into the picks we have to of course talk about the bed MGM our amazing sponsor bed MGM as you guys know we've been working with bed MGM now for our our second season we'll be using bed MGM lines to make all of our picks and we'll have special offers for our listeners each week if you haven't signed up for bed MGM yet use bonus code burr couldn't be easier guys be you are are okay all you got to do is use that

bonus code and you'll get a hundred percent risk-free up to a thousand on your first wager here's how it works you're gonna go to bed MGM download the app you're gonna sign up using bonus code burr you're gonna deposit at least ten dollars and place your first wager on the game you'll receive up to a thousand free bets which is incredible if you lose even if it loses just make sure you use bonus code burr be you are are when you sign up and these are the best lines out there guys that's why we use them now going so what's gonna happen with this episode is you're gonna hear my picks and then Andrew will cut and you will

hear Bill's picks okay we have the lines even though we're in different locations not doing the show together we know exactly what's going on in the NFL so last week I believe I will I know I went to and to because the Detroit Lions and the Bucks screwed me over but I did get I did get the who won for me the the who did I pick I picked the Chargers definitely won for me and the Cowboys that's right so I had the Chargers and Cowboys thought the Lions were gonna come back and I was gonna start 3 and 0 going into that Buccaneers game but what could I say man maybe the Chiefs are gonna make me eat my words they went into

Tampa beat Brady after a loss Bucks got back to back losses so I go 2 and 2 and Andrew did Bill go 1 and 3 I think Bill might have went 1 and 3 but we will have all of that yes have all that information so there you go Bill goes 1 and 3 I go 2 and 2 and we looked at the we looked at the lines so we will do our picks we'll do our picks now all right so this is this is a different last week the lines were kind of close and similar now you got eight and a half point lines 14 point lines three point lines seven five and a half it's a weird week Andrew it's all over the place this week but alright so one of my picks here

out of my four I'm not gonna say my first cuz Bill is gonna do his but my I'm gonna go with my first pick of this episode will be I have to do it I'm gonna be there it's the New York football Giants I'm on the field guys I mean I'm on the field with my family in London to see my New York football Giants play the Packers by the way the Giants are 3-1 they're going against the Juggernaut Aaron Rodgers but here's why I like the pick I like the pick cuz we are getting eight and a half points and we're in London we're gonna be fired up you control the clock would say Kwame Barkley you let's say Kwame Barkley run

I'm not saying we win the game I think there's a chance but so you're saying there's a chance but I think the way we can control the clock with the running game if we could give him some protection there I like the eight and a half points so I'm gonna take the New York football Giants plus eight and a half with me and my family there in London for no other reason one of the Giants needs to listen to our podcast and say hey let's do this for old Paulie right come on man he's gay his wife and kids are there my daughter and son are gonna be in jerseys what are you gonna do lose by nine all right this is where

it gets tricky guys okay this is where it gets tricky because like these these games I said there's a lot of there's a lot of weird ones like the Rams need a win because the Rams are in you know two and two but the Cowboys are clicking do I touch that I don't know does Bill touch that I don't know the Raiders one so did the Chiefs do I touch that I don't know I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do with my second pick though what I'm gonna do with my second pick is the Jacksonville I don't know why I'm doing this okay it's hard to say the Jacksonville Jaguars with seriousness but they were in that game against the Eagles dude in

Philly they were in that game as a matter of fact they were winning that game 14 to nothing then the Eagles come back I'm gonna take the Jaguars minus seven at home after a loss you know my theory a good to decent team after a loss coming home they're playing the hapless Houston Texans I like the Jacksonville Jaguars to bounce back Trevor Lawrence to have a big game I like the Jaguars to win that game by a touchdown so I'm gonna take minus seven for the Jax all right I'm not touching that one I know Bill's gonna touch that game and I'm just gonna be a gentleman and let him take it I think I'm gonna take the

Los Angeles Chargers again on the road minus three Herbert is fully healed I'm gonna take the Chargers going into Cleveland winning that game by a field goal I love it's that it's only three points minus three my third pick will be the Los Angeles Chargers a healed ribbed a healed ribs Justin Herbert wins that game so I'm gonna take that one and for my final pick I will take oh my god I almost just did something Andrew and it was like when you're about to hit the golf ball and then you step back you know like you line up and you think it's right and then I just was like I need to take a step back but I'll

take the Thursday night game I'm gonna take the Broncos at home after a loss there's the theory there's my theory that's actually the perfect example of my theory for you people that don't know I have a homecoming theory and my home coming theory is exactly that a good to decent team okay they lost a tough one to the Raiders the Raiders needed a win they got it now Russell Wilson goes home against the Indianapolis Colts again it's a low line three should the Broncos beat the Colts by three in Denver yes they should those are my picks and right now it is time for the what for the Monday night special it's time for the

Monday night special everybody and this Monday night I'm not gonna lie it's a doozy it is a division rival it is the Las Vegas Raiders coming off their first win going into the Kansas City Chiefs who keep winning and it is a seven point spread the under over is 51 okay right off the bat I like the under right off the bat I like under 51 okay that's a lot of that's a lot of touchdowns you know that's what's 48 points is how many touchdowns is 49 4 right 4 touchdowns is 49 no 7 touchdowns is 49 7 times 7 is 49 Jesus God how bad is my math 5 is 5 times that is 35 so wow so that's a lot of touch that's

7 total touchdowns I don't know why I was thinking I don't know why yeah that would be actually the way my math was I'm like oh 28 is 4 I don't know how I got that there was some 2-point conversions and you had I was I don't know what I was thinking dude that's thank God that that's why I don't help my son with his algebra okay so I like the under and and Bill and I are in agreement that I'll just read these these off for the Monday night special I like under 51 that's a lot of touchdowns even if they said 7 I like that so as a matter of fact 7 touchdowns can happen and we still win the bet so I'm gonna take we're gonna go

under 51 to start now here's where it gets tricky do the Raiders go in there and lose a close game which I think can happen you think what do you think Andrew you think the Raiders are gonna win no I actually think the Chiefs are gonna win and I think the Raiders look good overall like I I mean I'm they're coming into certain weeks where I'm like yeah the Raiders can win this game I don't I don't know I right now I mean the Chiefs win this game by more than 7 is that what you're thinking though I think they worked out most of their problems for now maybe not playoffs but for now you're talking about the Chiefs yeah I'm

saying the Chiefs are worked they've worked out most of their problems and and they're still they're still my home's gonna make it happen over car in the fourth quarter my home's gonna make it happen over car in the fourth quarter is definitely something that I think most people agree with but here's the thing the Raiders cannot this is borderline I mean I don't want to go as far as saying playoff implications but here's the deal the Raiders are the Raiders are one and three dude if the Raiders the Raiders are one and three dude with Devante Adams this is a division rival Bill always talks about those now you know when I

see those division rivalry games even when both teams are bad like the Falcon Saints stuff like that it's always close if the Raiders go one and four their chances of doing anything this year are finished so I think that they go into the game and we get better odds for our fans I like the seven points I like the seven points I like the Raiders I'm not saying there is gonna win the game by any stretch but I could see the Chiefs beating them by a field goal and the Raiders hanging in there also the Raiders are kind of flying high with their first win maybe they think they might have figured something out they were

playing a decent team in the Broncos and it'll be better odds for the people I don't know I think car and Devante Adams start something this week you know I think everybody's taking the Chiefs which makes me not like it so we're gonna go we're gonna take the points Andrew we're gonna take the plus seven points we're gonna take under 51 and we will take I mean my home's to throw one is not gonna be great odds right should we do Derek Carr to throw one you think that they're gonna they're gonna cover then he's gonna have to throw a car it's gonna Derek Carr I mean if the if the underovers 51 and I mean he's gonna

have to throw three so if you believe and he's got Devante Adams I like that I think Derek Carr to throw one we'll take the Raiders getting seven and we'll take under 51 for the Monday night special guys I'll be honest I really like that I really like that the only thing that would suck is if it starts out 21 nothing but I like Carr to throw one like you said he almost has to which is a really good if you just covers you can't put money on them covering and not put money on Carr throwing one that's that's exactly right and and maybe the defense is hold a little tough 51 that means Vegas thinks this is gonna be a big time

shootout which is another reason why Carr is gonna throw one but we're gonna do that so there you go everybody that's the Monday night special Derek Carr to throw a touchdown the Raiders getting seven and under 51 overall points will be your Monday night special for the anything better bet MGM NFL preview for week number five enjoyed Bill's picks all right with my first pick oh Billy winless the one-win wonder one and three every fucking week I like the Tennessee Titans minus two against the Washington Commanders I don't know why that's only it's only two points I have no idea I don't know if there's somebody hurt on

Tennessee Commanders got their ass kicked against the Eagles and then they shit the bet against the Cowboys and I bet them last week and they fucked me so so fuck them because I'm petty this is a petty bet telling you right now minus two I'm also I'm taking I'm taking the Colts Colts I think are they're like this they're like this they're like this they're like they're fucking doing everybody thinks oh you know Reggie Theos being the quarterback now of Reggie Lewis why can't I ever remember his fucking name the guy from Seattle it's a quarterback of the Broncos I think he's gonna come in what's his name what's his

name so Wilson thank you Mike Bertilina at all things comedy I'm gonna take the Colts plus three I mean the game isn't even started I already have three points why wouldn't I do that first drive easy seven what the fuck did I all right I'm also gonna I'm gonna take my New England Patriots minus three against the hapless Detroit Lions Detroit Lions you know what the problem is over there Andrew the first guy who bought the team was a football guy and he knew football and they won three fucking titles yes they did all right with that that Bobby Lane guy going out fucking hitting the Hooters the first Hooters the original

one in 1953 right and then ever since then they keep passing it down to the family and evidently nobody taught those kids how to throw because they can't fucking run a team to save their life they sent some point they need to step out it's like a whole family of Jerry Jones's you know it's just like just shut up and let the football people do you know go get a facelift get out of here all right so I got Tennessee minus two I got the Colts plus three I got the Patriots minus three and you know what what's going on with those dolphins is to a to a tongue of fire yeah is he coming back he's coming back yes no he's

supposed to play but there was a concussion protocol last week that you heard they should have gone into the Italian in the corner saying I doubt it and I'm talking gambling here so I'm gonna you know you dance with who brung you uh am I gonna oh Los Angeles charges Verzi took that you fucking goddamn son of a bitch all 580 took it didn't you um I don't know where to go from here San Francisco what do you think Mike they're gonna go in there it's Mike Berlin everybody they're minus five and a half going into Carolina where they got Baker Mayfield with something to prove what do you mean he's dog shit the

guy the guy want to play off game for the fucking Browns oh look at the numbers are the league right now what's probably okay he's playing for the Pamps you know what I mean defense take the night all right fucking I'm taking the 49ers because the guy from San Francisco just told me so I love Italians I can't I can't lay off you know what I mean I just feel like there's gonna be wine and some fucking food or some shit all right those are my picks and what did we do for the Monday night special Paul wanted under 51 the Raiders plus seven and car to throw one I like that the raiders the Raiders are due I mean what are they

all in four oh in three this is make or break for the Raiders right now so that's why they made a case for that you know you know what I think they come out and they weigh those white jerseys with the silver numbers everybody gets a little more amped up and I think they come out and I think they cover they bust some people in from Oakland it's gonna happen this week yeah real old-school Oakland people yeah okay not not not the fucking Rocky Horror picture show Raider fans I mean yeah yeah those fucking the guys who stab those people at the fucking Stones concert right they bring those guys in at 80 all right

that's it those are my picks gamble responsibly and and there we go man that's that's pretty much what we got when I come back from the trip and Bill's back and everything is better we will do be doing another anything better so for all the fans asking what's going on it's just been with Bill doing stuff with a project with my traveling now coming back in the middle of the month that's what's going on but the Greek freak is on it so all you guys reaching out going are you guys still doing yes we're still doing it we're just gonna finish out what we're doing and don't forget to tell the listeners that they can watch you on the

NFL Network in London that's true that's true for all the shit that you hear me talk on this you know your boys not just your boys the NFL knows about your boy make no mistake about that so I will be on NFL Networks NFL total access on so I'm filming at Wednesday night so where it's what it's six hours ahead and I'm gonna be on in the eight o'clock hour so let's do the math on that yeah it's five hour difference or six five it's five yeah okay so it'll be around I guess two o'clock it'll be around two o'clock in the afternoon on Wednesday and it'll be Wednesday night where I am but I will be live on there with host Derek Carr I'm

gonna be I know not Derek Carr that's his brother David Carr is one of the hosts so we'll be talking about that hey I'll even tell him I took his brother how about that and you guys can check that out as well also don't forget if you go to Paul Verzi's the Paul Verzi YouTube channel you can check out my last appearance on good morning football or at least a segment on it with the Tom Brady stuff check out the Verzi effect check out Bill's Monday morning podcast all the stuff that we have guys if you're listening to this right now and you're gonna be in DC October 19th I will be doing one night at the DC improv

and then the next night on the 20th I'll be at the Philadelphia punchline alright and if you are listening to this and you're in the UK we added a show so this Saturday night at 10 p.m. in London I will be at 21 so hope performing there there you have it those are our picks do not forget to download okay the bet MGM app use bonus code BURR couldn't be more simple all right and all you got to do is put a minimum of ten dollars you're gonna get up to a thousand dollars in free bets and even if it loses just make sure you put in the bonus code BURR and you will be able to bet with that and get up to a thousand dollars which is

phenomenal they have the best lines and I got to tell you working with them these first two seasons has been an absolute pleasure so check out those lines enjoy your NFL football Sunday and Monday and Thursday for week number five and let's let's see if we can get some wins here and make you guys some money with the Monday night special as well that is it for for us oh oh oh

oh you