Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-21

Episode Date: October 7, 2021

Bill rambles about Presidential styles, White House comforts, and whittling.

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Alright, this is for gamblers here. Alright, so. And the home of the brave. Hooray! Thousand one. Thousand two. Thousand three. Thousand four.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Yay. I found out afterward that everybody I was with was disappointing that it wasn't Jets, but they knew that I flew, you know, a helicopter, you know. So they didn't want it. It's like, I get it. I got 300 hours. You don't have to fucking... Fucking look at me.

Like I fly for the news. I'm not gonna, this is a hobby. I'm not getting offended by that. You know, there was some hack out there, you know, telling awful jokes that we've seen for a bunch of years. And you're laughing at it. I would be offended by that because I do that for a living. You cannot get offended if somebody steps on the toes of your hobby. I don't know if that's a rule, but that's a rule in my world.

I don't want to hear about your fucking... You know what's funny about a hobby? Is this is how much you know that how much people hate their fucking jobs. Is like, have you ever heard the level of passion in somebody's voice about their job, the way they talk about their fucking hobby? You know what I mean? Like if some guy's into, like some guy's into fishing, like Bobby Kelly, dude! If you end up like fishing, okay? I don't give a fuck what those guys do for a living.

Just pick the funnest fucking job ever. The end of the day, no matter how fun your job is, it becomes a fucking job. Time to make the donuts, no matter what it is. You know, even my fun job. The job's still fun, but I'm getting there. The older you get, oh, the older you get. You know, you start seeing those glow sticks at LAX and your bottom lip starts quivering. Like, how long is it going to take me to get from these glow sticks to the entrance and from the entrance through that line of cattle in which I am part of that livestock?

How long, how long has this been going on? How long is this going to fucking take? You know what I mean? However, I gotta tell you this. A few times I actually fly to go on a vacation, which is very rare, because I always got a gig. You know what I mean? I always do a gig when I'm out there to pay for everything. So I keep my head above the water because there's no 401k when it comes to being a comedian.

You're on your own! I ain't dying like Larry Fine in a fucking... Where the fuck they put him? Talking to a wall? I don't know if he died like that, but you know, he could have died better. He's one of the three Stooges. He would have been a hundred and fucking eighteen years old the other day if Moe didn't slap him around so much. You want to talk about a fucking CTE case?

Larry Fine. Larry, I'm not fine. Thank you very much, Moe. Sorry, these are three Stooges references from the fucking 1940s. Anyway, the level of fucking passion somebody has when they talk about that. I think it'd be a whittling. You know what I started watching on YouTube? I don't know how I got into this.

This fucking guy has a lathe. That's right, a lathe. I've seen every animal kill every other animal. I've seen every person get hit in the balls as much as they could get hit in the balls. I've seen every month of every fail for the last fucking, I don't know, fifteen years. I've seen every resto mod, every restoration, every fucking... I don't know, what do you call those? What do you call those cars that they build but they don't actually put them out to the public?

Those... What do they call those fucking things? Whatever. It'll come to me. It'll come to me. Concept car! Concept car. I've seen all of those fucking things.

Now I am down to, I am watching this guy that has a lathe. For those of you who don't give a fuck about woodworking or anything like that, I believe that's what it's called. It's that thing, you know, where you stick a piece of wood on it and it's, you know, you stick the point in on either end and it spins it. These guys take what look like files that you would use to get out of jail back in the day, right? And he whittles the fucking thing into something like a piece of art or something. A lot of vases this guy makes. And I just, I don't know, I just started watching. Now that's just one of those things, right?

Like if you had the, you know, I don't give a fuck what job you had. But the president of the United States, you don't have to sit in traffic. I mean, the downside is you get blamed for everything, but you don't have to sit in traffic. Somebody writes your speeches. You just go up there and you try to say it with an earnest look on your face. I did not have sexual relations with that woman, right? He just fucking, you know, thousand points away. I'm the disheiter.

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, whatever the fuck Obama said. Then you had Donnie Trump, who was just a jazz, he's a jazz singer. He was just up there fucking improv. People looking at the teleprompter and looking at each other like, what the fuck is he talking? I don't know, man. He is on one. He's playing in free time, right?

And you got this guy here, forgetful Freddy. You know, I don't even know what he, he can't even, I don't know that guy. Jesus Christ. He sounds like he's just always telling the most boring story ever that has no point. And he's just so old and cute. You don't want to get up and walk out of the room. So I just try to avoid him. What is my point?

So if you're fucking president and you're dealing with that shit all day, right? And now your wife's the first lady. So God knows, you know, she's pushing to do something, you know, which I thought was the new move with Barack's wife and Bill Clinton's wife. Like they got all up in there, like they fucking got elected too. You know what I mean? They're making TikTok videos and shit. It's just, hey, let's settle down ladies.

You didn't win the election. I noticed, you know, Bush, Trump, and now Joe Biden, like their wives are just like, yeah, man, you know, I'm fucking cool just chilling here in the background, which I gotta tell you, that's the kind of first lady I would be. I would just be sitting there, you know, I gotta be honest with you. This is the kind of bitch I am. I would literally just be enjoying the perks.

That fucking, I don't have a pet project. What's my pet project? Fucking swimming in the pool. Utilizing that personal chef. Why, yes, I would like another slider. Then all I gotta do is get dolled up whenever my fucking other half is, I would, I would crush as the first male first lady. I would fucking crush.

I would be like P90X and are doing the elliptical. I would be in savage fucking shape. You know, I wouldn't call attention to it. I just try to see how many speeches it took before people started knowing that I was getting fucking chiseled. That would be the game within the game for me as the first male first lady. You know, typical fucking women, man. You got a great gig and you're looking across the table and all you see is the roses.

You just think somebody's got it better. That guy's got dead bodies on his fucking brain every night. Dead babies and all of this shit from fucking missiles that didn't land where they were supposed to land. This guy's aging and fucking dog years and they still look across the table and think you got it better. That is the genius of being happy with where to fuck you. I would be so, I would just be like, I know the perspective is different

because you know, we only let women out of the kitchen like 30 years ago or at least that's the level that white women are complaining right now. I get it. So they feel like they have to fucking climb the hill. You know what I mean? But I would have to say that even if tables were flipped and women were running shit and I was in a position to further position, further the position of men, I'd have to go anti-vaxxer there and just think for myself.

I'm doing what's best for me. Fuck everybody else. That's the fuck the group. This is about me. That's the kind of male first lady I would be. I would get into Paul Newman shape and I would fucking rip off that guy's wardrobe. I'd be fucking cardigan sweaters when I didn't have to wear a suit. Okay.

I would look like a man that knew somebody that was a member of a tennis club. All right. Savage fucking shape. And I would just, I would, you know, have the secret service soundproof one room and I would just be playing drums all day. I'd probably slip off the wagon, you know. I feel like fucking Stevie Wonder and shit coming over to the White House whenever you want. I mean, you can't, you know, at some point somebody's going to come by with something

and I'm going to be, after a while you probably get bored. This is when you know you're the ultimate freeloader. When you're praying, I'm praying that my wife gets elected again, not because I feel it's good for the country, is I just don't want to give up the perks. You know what I mean? Because even if my wife goes out and does the fucking speech tour, you know, give speeches to the fucking bankers,

that, you know, she did exactly what they told her to do so she wouldn't have a convertible ride in Dallas. And we ended up with the mansion in Martha's Vineyard. Still, you know what I mean? It's like you're on the other side of it. Your songs are no longer on the charts. The casinos you're playing every year get further and further out into the woods. Yeah.

And now you got to go back to sitting in traffic. I don't know how. I think that that's why the Rolling Stones still tour. After hearing Steve Gorman's story of their police escorts to and from the arenas that they play. Why would you ever go back to civilian life? I mean, you live on a planet with close to 8 billion people and you never sit in traffic and you travel the world.

I mean, that is fucking amazing. Fucking amazing. That's the way to do it. So, yeah, I don't know why these first ladies, some of them, they just want to fucking busy up their goddamn day. Put your feet up. You're in the White House. Anything you want.

You can literally look through your record collection and anybody who's still alive will come over to your house and play for you because they want to go over there. What do you want to do tonight? I don't know. I have a club sandwich. Maybe I have AC DC. Play an acoustic set.

You know, I have a couple of pints with Brian and I'm going to call in an evening. What are you doing? I'm trying to decide whether or not we're going to bomb this country and go to war. That sucks for you, sweetheart. You want a foot massage? That's how I do it.

That is exactly the way old freckles. That's how I play the White House. Fucking tipping the... I'll be hanging out with the fucking Secret Service. Smoking sticks with them. Don't worry. I won't tell nobody. It keeps me calm, which keeps the president calm.

So this is part of your duty to hang out here and have a cigar on the back porch at the fucking White House. Sure, it's not that simple. Anyway, but as I mentioned, I am having a great week. So I ended up winning like 75 bucks. I don't bet big. My head might be big.

My head is big. My bets are small. So I won 75 bucks on that. So that's just out there, right? It was through Verzi's fucking context. He's Sicilian. He knows a lot of people. So anyways, the Yankees were playing the Red Sox

as I predicted. As I predicted back in August, the Red Sox, regardless of how bad they were playing, they played nothing but the dregs of the league for the rest of the year except for a series against Tampa and against Yankees. We got our asses kicked on both. But I said if it comes down to a one-game playoff,

playoff, right? It is anybody... The fucking Orioles could have beat the Yankees one-game playoff or beat the Red Sox. It's one fucking game. This isn't football. With football, the man wins for the most part every fucking week, right?

With baseball, you know, baseball is equal opportunity. And any given fucking day, the worst team in the league can beat the best team. It can just happen. So the Yankees fucking... We owned them in the beginning. They owned us in the end and swept us. Gave us the old right there, Fred.

I believe in our own fucking stadium. So I'm sitting there thinking like, I kind of like that. I would much be, rather be the team that got swept than to be the sweeper when there's a one-game playoff. If we're going into a series, I like that better because you get and actually see like a matchup.

Like a one-game playoff, it's not a playoff. That's why March Madness is so mad. You know, it's one game. We fucking come out cold. Next thing you know is a fucking 16 seed beats a fucking number one. We get a pill. We watch sports. So I was like, you know, even though I know we're not going anywhere,

it'd be fucking cool to end the Yankee season, pay them back. We're finally even. We're finally even with the New York Yankees as far as playoffs go. We had a one-game playoff with them in 1978. They beat us. We just beat them. Okay. That takes that off the books.

All right. We lost a five-game series to them in 1999 with Pedro through the late great Don Zimmer. He just sort of, you know, he allayed him down to the ground. We lost that. We beat them in a five-game series in 2018. They beat us in a seven-game hotbreaker in 2003. We beat them the next year in a seven-game.

So we are now even with that. We broke their hearts equally in the playoffs. All right. We'll never catch their championships, but it's nice, you know, we're whittling away at it. We'll see. We'll see what happens. So, um, and now what I love, I love that Tampa Bay has kicked our ass the whole fucking year. So we're going in there.

We're supposed to lose. So you just walk in there fat, dumb and happy. Next thing you know, I fucking won a game. We're going to win another game. I remember talking to somebody. I was on the road and I talked to a former Edmonton Euler and he was talking about, I think in 1980 or 81, no, 1980 Canadians were in the midst.

They'd won 76, 77, 78 and 79. They were the team to beat. And then the upstart Edmonton Oilers came in, which I put up there with the fucking 1970s Steelers as far as like who they drafted and what they just, it just doesn't happen. You know, Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Yari Curry, Paul Coffey, Grant Fuhrer.

I mean, they were kids and they were all destined to be Hall of Famous with their name all over the cup. So they played in 1980 in the playoffs. So one of these guys on Edmonton was, I would go, what were you thinking when you got there? And he said, you go, oh, we didn't think we were going to win. We just, we couldn't fucking believe we were playing them because we were kids. And one of the stories he told me was that when Gila Floor would start winding up

at the forum, you know, coming up the ice, he said the whole fucking forum would be going, chair in his name. And he said, when he would skate by, they were doing it too. That's how, that's how fucking young they were. And that's how they were like literally two years removed from just being fucking fans of the NHL, if not one year. And now they're playing in it against like their heroes.

Let me see. I think they swept them. 1980 Edmonton versus Montreal. There's so much to say prediction. Edmonton Oilers. Wait a second. This is December 13th. No, playoffs, playoffs.

Maybe it was 8081. Let's see, playoffs. Talk myself into a corner here. All I know is they won. How about that? Can I just tap out on that? They just played much more poise and purpose than the unflappable. 1980 preliminary round.

Edmonton versus Montreal. Edmonton one, six to three, three to one, six to two. And that was it. Oh, it was best three out of five. They swept them. Six, three, three, one, six, two. Go fuck yourself. The first two games, I believe they might have been in Montreal.

Unreal. So there you go. Goes back to the Red Sox, hopefully. I mean, that's not quite the same thing as far as a bunch of kids. But who cares? What the fuck do we got to lose? We got nothing to lose. So we shall see what's happening.

I won't see what happens. Because I'm in the midst of getting ready for this fucking check right I got here. So we'll see how it goes. I don't know about this one, guys. I passed the other ones. I don't know about this one. This one is a lot of shit. I might have to pass this in segments.

I will get it done by the end of the year. And as long as I do, it gives a fuck. So I'm going in there. I'm having a good time. Who's getting new? That's all bullshit. I want to make this fucking happen. So, oh my God, dude, if I fucking pass this thing, if I pass this thing, I got my special.

I got my rating. I'm fucking, F is for family is wrapped. I have nothing to do except play with my kids. This is the dream. This is the dream. And tell my shit jokes around the world and occasionally wait for some cool acting gig to come in. I am in the sweet spot. Thank you.

And the dismount. I'll tell you, he has a handsome first lady that Bill Burr. Oh man, I would love that. I got to get my wife to run for president. You know, I think it's time. Now is the time for the first female person. What if my wife came out of nowhere and beat the Kamala Harris? I was going to say the vice president, not the Kamala Harris, like the Ohio State University.

That is her name, right? I don't fucking know. I have no idea. I don't pay attention. You know what? I'm proud of it. I'm proud. I don't want to watch somebody looking like he's given a fucking book report on some book he didn't want to read or didn't really read.

I just can't. I mean, we've been dealing with that. There's not been a good speech given since fucking Obama. Trumps were horrific. Bidens, I don't know what they are. I mean, they should be, they should be, I don't, I don't know what they should be categorized as. Fireside ramblings. Oh, Bill, come on, man.

Can't you be a little nicer to the fella? He's just an old fella. Dude, by the way, what is the fucking deal? The last two presidents combined are like a hundred and fucking 90 years old. All right. So, I've been watching this person whittle and also I've been watching this guy because I've been, you know, finally progressed past, you know, my shoulders being fucked up. And now I found this thing.

I saw this woman at the gym doing like these back bends. I'm like, wow, the fuck do you get that limber? So, I just looked it up and I found this guy in like a yoga mat and he's showing how to stretch out your upper back. And I got to tell you, dude, it is about as effeminate a position as you could be. But I was sitting there going like, wait a minute, if you are that fucking flexible, I won't fuck my shoulders up again. I'll be doing this. He even said one of the stretches. You're probably too embarrassed to do this at the gym.

It's basically all variations of like doggy style. Doggy style up against the wall. It's really, really submissive to be done in the garage. Not in front of your wife. Anyway, how about the Chargers versus their radius? Great game the other night. And I got to be a douche. I got to be a douche here.

I tweeted about it. One of the guys in the announcement, we all make mistakes. So, I'm not saying this guy doesn't know what he's doing, but when he was talking about how many Raiders fans there were versus Charger fans, he goes, Raider fans were like, hey, we were here first. And I was like, not so fast broadcaster, sir. That is not true. The Los Angeles Chargers, formerly the San Diego Chargers. A lot of people forgot, including that man in the booth, that before they were formerly Los Angeles Chargers,

formerly San Diego Chargers, formerly the Los Angeles Chargers. Yes, in 1960. First year. The first year of the AFL. They played one year in Los Angeles. Now, I know a lot of Raider fans like, oh, big fucking deal all you one year. It wasn't about amount of years. He said who was first stick with the jargon.

Stop trying to worm your way out of it. Raiders fans came out in force and they played. They were wearing one of my favorite uniforms in sports. The Raiders white jersey with the silver number is the best fucking professional NFL football uniform ever, ever, ever. And, you know, the universe always balances itself, which is why when you look at their fan base, so many of them are dressed up like they're in the Pirates of the Caribbean, the musical. I don't know what is going on with their fans. I wouldn't fuck with any of their fans, but I got to be honest with you.

You know, not like I'm a fashionista here, but I, you know, I, they look like they're going to a fucking Halloween party. I don't know why people think that that is intimidating to dress like. I like your, I like the flair of your character. What's your character's name? Anyway, and shout out to Charger fans for not dressing like different like weather like clouds and then someone else is a fucking lightning bolt. Now, you know, God damn well, somebody did that. You know, God damn well, somebody did. All right.

Anyway, let me do a little bit of the reads here. Let me do a little bit of the reads here. All right, here's my manly moment of the day. Today I was fucking landing a helicopter and it was between of and where my little helipad was was between an A star and an R 22. Both of them were getting ready to take off. So the main road is a fucking spinning. And my instructor's like, you think you can get it in between there? And I was like, yeah.

And I did it. I set it down. I felt like such a fucking badass, secretly knowing that I wasn't, but knowing the perception of someone that watched me do that. We're like, man, that guy, that guy's cool, man. That guy never questions the decisions he makes. Oh, Jesus, I will never be that guy. You know, I questioned everything I did in the last 20 minutes for the next 20 minutes. And then I questioned that 20 minutes go, why did I just waste that 20 minutes thinking about the previous 20 minutes?

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If Yankee fans want to last longer, they can think of that one game playoff last. Oh, cheap shot, cheap shot. Sorry. You got 27, you know, which I'll never forget because that's all they can say now. We did stuff before. Headspace everybody. Wouldn't it be, wouldn't it be great if there were a pocket sized guide that help you sleep slash focus slash act slash be better. It's gonna make you a better actor.

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That's too small for your dick. And she's the hottest chick you've ever seen. That guy will talk you just a sound of his male voice will make you come later. All right. Where the hell are we? Is that the end of the podcast? I believe it is. Well, look at dad.

It's the end. This is the end. My only friend. The end. Now the Tampa Bay Devil race, you got to be rooting for them for that city to sweep all the championships unless you're a Red Sox fan. Who's kidding who? It's Tampa.

All right. They need something good to happen. All right. They're Tampa. All right. L Ron Hubbard had a boat dock there. Okay. They need help.

They need this. All right. So I'm rooting for them, but not against the Red Sox, but I'll root for them other than that. All right. That is it. And now before we end the podcast, we have my NFL chat of the week with the one and only Paul Verzi from it's a little excerpt from our X.

He's not an excerpt. It's something that we do for bet. MGM. And last week me and Paul Verzi slapped that casino around going three and one each. We went six and two against the spread. So what does that tell you? Only the lucky. We got lucky last week.

Actually, Verzi's having a good year. I'm not having a good year gambling, but here we go. You can listen to our picks for next week. Listen to them. Bet against us. Keep score. Do whatever you want. Couple of meatheads talking football.

Here we go. What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better NFL week five preview. Okay. And the offer guys. It's an amazing offer by bet MGM. As you all know by now, we've teamed up with bet MGM. This season. We'll be using bet MGM lines to make all of our picks.

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All right guys. Here's what went down this week. Uh, everybody was, was, you guys are really jumping on what me and bills picks are some are, some are betting what I'm betting, some are betting what bills betting, but both of us managed both of us managed this week to go three in one, which when you're picking four games in the NFL, that's damn good. Means we went, uh, you know, means we went six and two together. We're still, we're still not quite at 500 or maybe right there.

I think you're at 500, but I got to tell you something. I'm too, I'm two games under. I was looking at four and O and the tombate Brady Buccaneers. I was dead, not cover. You are dead. I'm going, Oh my God. I'm going, I am, I'm going, I'm two and O and now the 49ers are winning by seven. I might go four and O bill is screwed.

Bill is screwed. Then I look at Bill's picks cause Andrew sent them to me and I go, Oh my God, he's three and O he's three and O and then you had the fourth game. On which was really one of the best games of the week. That's Sunday night game, man. And I got to tell you something. I give the Patriots credit to have that 56 yard attempt in the rain, hit the fucking thing.

They almost won that game. Um, I know there was a couple of people sent me text. Go, what do you think of that call? They should have gone for it. It's just like, what do you, it's a 56 yarder. It's the end of regulation. Go ahead and go kick the fucking thing that he kicked it long enough. It just hit the goddamn upright.

If that thing falls in Tom Brady, it takes a year off. It's like, if that thing falls in, dude, I'll tell you this. When you, when you, when you're betting a fuck, when you, your team kicks a field goal and it hits the step fucking upright with those microphones, you never forget that sound. I always thought it was like plastic. No, it's dude, I got to give you credit where credit's due.

I loved love. Not only did I love, I love that you want it. I loved your Buffalo bills. Oh, you know me a 70. I mean, who loves a deep favorite like me and then having it cover? Cause you know my sayings on favorites guys, they did what they were supposed to do and they put up 40 on them.

I know the fact that you loved it. I made me nervous because Paul Versey, nobody predicts a bloodbath. If you were a meteorologist, what's the weekend going to be like? Oh, it's going to be a bloodbath, nothing but rain. Six foot of snow. Oh shit.

I thought it was going to happen. Do you see a nor'easter every fucking weekend? My thing, I got outside of what it is that I do, Paul. That's why I'm having a tough year here. All right. Two things I did. I'm fucking, I got the kids now. So I'm not paying attention the way I need to as a degenerate gambler.

And then number two, I'm taking favorites like a fucking idiot. All right. All my underdogs, Paul. All my underdogs have been winning. Take the points. There's no excuse. Get the fuck out with your money. No, we're in the deep end now.

There's no excuses. First of all, Paul, I had a better week than you. Huh? I had a better week than you. What do you mean? Because we went head to head on San Francisco and fucking Seattle. Here's how you had a better. We went head to head, Paul.

Paul, we went head to head. And I told you Seattle, I said sneaky Pete's going to come in there. Sneaky Pete's going to come in there and they're going to fucking win. And all sneaky Pete with his letterman sweater looking like some guy you can trust came in. He dropped their fucking panties, gave me all how's your fucking, you know what? And he ran out of there with the victory. And here's the type of friend that I am. Okay.

Here's what I'm here's the fucking guy that your friends with. Okay. Don't dislocate your elbow. Patting yourself on the back. Okay. What do we got here? Congratulations on knocking my Yankees out. It hurt.

It hurt. You won 75 bucks because we bet 75 bucks. We went with the cycle on you, Paul. We beat you guys in a seven game series, a five game series and a one game series. There's no other way we can beat you in October. So you guys have to win the next time or else we're lapping you now. Yeah. Well, did you ever think a Red Sox fan could talk to you like this?

Paul, this is what I'm saying. And this is what sucks is I came in like a gentleman and I fucking gave it. No, you didn't. I said congratulations. Fuck you fucking Yankee cunts. This is what you guys, this is what you're doing. You lose. I said congratulations.

I'm really happy for you guys. I just want to put my tie on and say congratulations. You're trying to get out of the shit talk. No, no, no. I'm not a shit. Paul, let me tell you something. Paul, let me tell you something. I know you as a sports fan.

I remember when the Giants beat the Patriots the first time, you like, yeah, we rammed it up the fucking answers. I remember all of that shit you said. I didn't say it like that. You absolutely said that I was standing in Tom Papa's living room, another giant fan. I had it in fucking stereo. I don't listen to a guy who makes bread. Give me shit.

We were barely friends. I didn't even know you then. It was like our first barely friends. Yeah, we was like, wow, oh, six, oh, seven, oh, seven. I didn't know you. We had two conversations. So what? So you don't know me.

So then you're a cunts and then this was this new phony guy I met. Oh, I was a fucking mid 20s dope. I'm happy that you I'm not happy. I remember Regis Philbin. Regis Philbin. Rest his soul. When the Red Sox came back and wanted 2004, he goes, well, he's like, what's with these Red Sox fans?

You know, you won't get over it. Okay. And just completely ignored that you guys chanted 1918 in our faces. So much so that everyone in the league was doing it to us. You got the whole fucking time. Look at your eyes. You know, it's true. I can lose.

And then you, as Pete Corrielli would say, you run in height. I was, I was going to say it was a good Regis. You did. I mean, I'm just full. I was going to say it was a good Regis. You did. I'm full of compliments. Listen, Paul.

Anyway, you had a better week. You had a better week. Don't get used to it. Okay. Listen, because listen, listen, I went three and one, two. We're right neck and neck. No, no, no, Paul. No, no, let's let we went head to head on a game.

Okay. We faced each other, Paul. We happened. Okay. At Arthur rash stadium. We both came out with that little bookie visors on and we went out there and we picked a fucking game. I know what you're trying to do.

I just figured it out. I just figured you out. You're trying to get me and it's all it's working. You're trying to get me to want to beat you and talk a little shit. Okay. Okay. You want it to start a fire? Let's go.

I got first. Oh, Paul's, Paul's looking for someone right now. Minus 18. All right. Put the fucking back up the truck. This is the pick. Paul, you're going to beat me this week. I'm going to tell you why.

Cause I haven't even fucking looked at these things yet. No, uh, Andrew, I know you've been studying like, like the, you know, Paul, you know, if you applied yourself in other areas of your life, the way you do with your gambling, I swear to God, Andrew, can you scroll? I can't. I need to like portrait be stained by now. I'm going to say that this would be, and every time I've said the lock, it's been wrong, I'm going to say this is my lock of the week.

Okay. Urban Meyer and the Jacksonville Jaguars have had a disastrous week. Urban Meyer was in a bar. Chick is dancing all over him. She gets no shit. Nobody tea. Nobody says anything about the guy that filmed it. The fucking rat.

Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. The guy's filming it. He's sitting there the whole deal. Apparently urban Meyer then apologizes to the team. Doesn't fly with them. Stays in and gets caught out with family and then out drinking again.

Doesn't fly with his own team. To me, that says disarray and the Tennessee Titans are coming out. He went out boozing again. He went out boozing again, dude. Dude, that is, that is 1970s Raiders football. What are you talking about? Jacksonville Jaguars owner made him say he needs to earn respect back. I mean, the organization is in disarray.

They're windless and the Tennessee Titans lost a heartbreaker to the Jets. I am taking the Tennessee Titans minus four to the fucking bank. Okay. I think you're totally reading it wrong. Paul. Okay. Well, I think the owner is saying what people want him to say. He needs to earn the respect of the players.

What are you guys? You got 50 Tim Tebow's there. Look, urban Meyer went out and did what half of them are doing every fucking weekend. They don't give a shit. Well, I'm just saying, I think if you don't fly with your team after a loss, that says a lot and because you're still out there boozing chasing ass. Yeah. Yeah.

While you're fucking linebackers sitting there fucking hurting, putting them's body out there for you. You're out of the fucking Hooters. Fuck him. Players aren't interested in that. Fuck him. I'm taking the Tennessee Titans with my first pick. I think you're out of your fucking mind.

All right. Let's go ahead. They're laughing. They're saying he's balling. All right, let's go ahead. I think the Tennessee Titans, you know, they got a running back. All right. Well, listen, Paul, just never listen to a corporation say they're ashamed.

They're not ashamed. That just means we got caught. They don't care. Paul, Paul, there is horse. We stood outside the fucking stadium. They're fucking prostitute walked up to us. Do we know she was a prostitute? Yes.

Most of us knew. Other people were taking her compliments. Thinking the shit was legit. Oh, Polly positive. She came out of the weeds, Paul. She came out of the weeds. She was like 90 years past her fucking prime. Approaching eight guys waiting for an Uber.

All right. What do we got here? I'm going to go. I'm going with the Buffalo bills going into Kansas City, hostile. It's loud. They're getting three points. I'm going to take a chance here. Go on, honey.

Take a chance. Sorry. That the chiefs. I felt like I was shaking diamonds out of my fucking bunny bunny hair there, whatever the fuck you call that. I'm going to go with the Buffalo bills plus three. I think that they are a solid football team. I, I, I don't know.

Because I'm thinking that was just the one we're fucking. No, but they've been questioning my homes, which is so fucking stupid. They're going to say the same guy that we saw last fucking year. Right. They always do that shit. Like Tom Brady goes to fucking Tampa and wins. They question whether Bill Belichick knows what the fuck he's doing as a coach. Like maybe it was Tom Brady.

Maybe Tom Brady called him as an eight year old when they won as the giants the first two fucking times. Um, that's it. I'm sticking with it. Okay. With the Buffalo bills, Paul, bam, right down on a fucking coffee table, whatever they do, the bills mafia, Paul, I'm dancing with what brung me. Here comes Buffalo bills going into Kansas city.

I like it. Like Josh Allen. Here's my, uh, here's my second pick. It's also a favorite. All right. I'm getting all Paul is back to as always. I'm taking the Giants. No, I am taking the Los Angeles Rams minus two and a half after a loss in Seattle, beating

the Seattle Seahawks and getting back to their winning ways after a loss. They only got a win by a fucking field goal, which they're going to do. There you go. First two picks, Tennessee Titans minus four Los Angeles Rams minus two and a half over the Seattle Seahawks. I'm going to tell you why I liked that Paul because Seattle, I've been betting them all year. They're erratic.

Okay. They're not like the saints. The saints. You got no idea who the fuck's going to show up, but there's something about them. Paul, that is exactly what they're going to go into that loud stadium and they might shut those people up. Um, who do I got next? Paul, I have no idea.

I'm going to tell you just for the fun of it, just for the fun, just for the fucking fun of it, Paul, I'm going to say it's Jacksonville, Florida and the shit that you see walking down the street is nothing. Yes. We got a head to head baby like that, that fucking, we should have to do a head to head every week. I think you're reading the tea. I think I'm, I don't think they give a fuck.

I don't think they give a fuck. The corporation is pretending to care Paul, you're talking about, this is the NFL. Okay. They had a fucking guy knock a woman out and drag in an elevator dragging down the hall by her fucking hair. They gave him two games, two games. You think that they care that he was in a hooters and some chick backed her fucking no dad hanging around ass up into his dick.

They don't care. His wife cares. You can't be a fucking general and leave your soldiers after what would happen if general talking about. Come on. What's his face? They called him old blood and guts, his guts and our blood patent. He did that.

Is it patent? General Patton walked away after a loss. I don't want to talk shit about the wrong general. Wasn't Eisenhower. Who are the biggest generals? It was it was Patton Eisenhower, Calvin Coolidge. I forget. I didn't pay attention to.

I'll tell you what that urban Meyer move staying with his team flying alone. That's a sneaky Pete move. That's a sneaky Pete move. All those college coaches, all those college coaches are like fucking sneaky Pete. Those guys got a little backdoor exit. Fuck that guy. Let's go. Head to head.

Tennessee Titans. That's a stupid bet. I'm throwing away money because you know what? I think the guy's a bit of a head case. You know, they say anytime he has a fucking pro anytime, you know, the fucking wolves are at the door all of a sudden he goes, oh, my heart can't take it and he leaves. Fucking leaves. You know what I'm going to take?

Joe Burrow, the Bengals getting three, getting three, because I think everybody's taking the Packers. I think everybody's liking the Packers. I think what the Bengals have been doing. I think Joe Burrow is for real. I think his knees feeling great. I think people believe in him. I think Cincinnati makes some great ribs.

There's a whole bunch of things for me to like about the Cincinnati Bengals. I like the Paul. I like the Bengals. They're helmets. The same colors. My pubes. Right. I'm into it.

Let's do it. All right. Well, you guys want to lock? Here's a lock. This is a lock. Are you ready for this? This is a lot. Paul, you like crazy Eddie.

Everything's a fucking insane deal. How can they? How can there be two locks in one week? You just talked to that guy said a couple times a year. There is a lock. All right. I am going to take the Las Vegas Raiders at home at home after that loss against the Chicago Bears minus five and a half.

John Gruden is going to give them a nice week of practice. Let them know. Look, guys, we're not invincible and then come home and put it on the Bears. I want to ask you this, Paul, you think of the Bears, you buying a selling Paul, you think they're overrated? I think they got a young quarterback that's still figuring it out. There's a little bit of quarterback controversy. I don't like still Mitch Trabitsky.

Who's who's quarterbacking out? Vinny. I already come back. Who's out? Who's out there? It was it was Andy Dalton for a couple of weeks. And now it's the new kid from Ohio State, Justin Fields. Jesus Christ, dude, that that team is like a halfway house for foster quarterbacks.

At some point, if you can't get a ride, the NFL, if you just cannot get a fucking contract, at some point, you're going to play quarterback for the Bears. And it used to be the Browns. Like that was just a revolving is like you're walking into Macy's. Remember that in platoon? Yeah. Hey, you're going to love the knob for fucking ever, right? That's the last quarterback as you come into town and he's going out of town to be a backup

in Denver or some shit. That's so yeah. So that's my third, the Vegas, the Vegas Raiders. Yeah. Minus five and a half. I got to tell you, Paul, you've picked three games and you've given us two locks. Yeah. Paul Versey.

Two locks. Lockless. Paul Versey. All Paul's locks are in gamble. What am I going to do here? What am I going to do here? This is the classic. You can tell this guy's not going to win money.

He's just scrolling, looking at games. I don't know why. Why did the Pittsburgh Steelers look good to me minus one against the Denver Broncos? Is that because Craig Morton isn't there anymore, Paul? Maybe. No John Elway. No Peyton Manning. You know?

Dude, the regular. They have a lot of great quarterbacks out there, but oh no, they got, they got, they got Teddy Bridgewater could present some problems. I keep thinking Teddy is still loud. Where the hell was he last year? I think Teddy got hurt though. Yeah. That'd be, that'd be some information you probably need to know before you.

Yeah. Teddy's hurt. Paul, I just something, something part of me just wants to take the Cowboys to beat the shit out of you giants. Just I just want to stir the pot this week. I don't know what it is, Paul. I don't know what it is, Paul minus seven at home now. That's a fucking divisional rivalry.

I don't like that at all. I see another lock out there. This is lock week. I'm called Andrew. Call this lock week. I see. And there's another lock out there. You're staring it in the face, Bill.

It's staring at you in the face. I can't believe I don't see it, Paul. I can't believe I don't have your confidence. What is it about you never playing football past the high school level that lets you read these tea leaves so well? Ah, fuck. I want to have money on that Brown's charges game because I think it's going to be fucking great.

Ooh, that's a good one. That is a good one. And I was really impressed with their running back last week. I'm wondering about the Brown's defense. They got, they got, what's his face is back the blonde head dude who makes the one hand that catches. He's back on offense. I love Baker Mayfield.

I feel like the guy's the winner, but they're playing in San Diego. They got the California kid. Josh Herbert. Oh God, two and a half, Paul. Why is that such a perfect number? Is it a letdown game, Paul? They won two. They went back to, they beat the Chiefs.

Then they beat the Raiders. And this is the week. This is the week, Paul. Do they say that we are the motherfuckers of the AFC? Can they say that? I have to apologize afterwards. I'm just stalling right now. Can I phone a friend on this one?

I am going to take a fucking, I'm taking the Cleveland Browns. I'm going on four this week, Paul. I've taken the Cleveland Browns. Low, it's a low spread. That goes either way. That's a good pick. I don't know about that. I think, all right, man, everything I've said so far has been stupid.

All right. Well, I'm conflicted with my last one, dude, because I'm going to tell you right now. The Steelers at home after a devastating loss, minus one to the Broncos without Teddy Bridgewater is really, really, really appealing. That game is, I mean, that game, Andrew, you like that one, but then the other one I love. I love it. He just threw that out to Andrew. Didn't wait for an answer.

No. You like that one? Oh, he's doing the thumbs up. I didn't see it. Sorry. No, he was doing a thumbs up, but then I also love the Monday night Ravens minus six and a half. I was looking at that.

They're exciting. So do I take the Steelers? You know something? There was a lot. I'm going to fucking flip it. I was going to take the Ravens, but you know what, Mike Tomlin said all the right things. Ben Rothless Burger said all the right things. They're at home after a loss and oh, Paulie loves the homecoming theory.

I mean, the homecoming theory has been my bread and butter. Teddy Bridgewater, if he's just playing, he's banged up. I got the Steelers minus one at home after a loss. I like the hand thing that added some excitement to it. I got the Steelers. Put it on the board. Who's that? Hawke-Harrison.

Oh, I'm excited about my picks this week. I like them. Oh, Paul, I feel like I'm in the clouds right now. I was looking at that Monday night game, the Ravens, because you know, Uncle Ray's maybe going to show up. Oh, yeah. He's going to do his dance and split his slacks. He's going to get everybody all fucking amped up.

Who do the Colts got? They don't got what's his face. I always said Magicowski, Phillip Rivers. They don't have him anymore. Right? No, Carson Wentz. Carson Wentz. Carson came and he Wentz.

Oh my God, anything better is going to be 20 minutes tonight. Wait a fucking second. Oh, he's starting a curveball. He's starting. I mean, how many times can I bet on Arizona and fucking win? How many weeks in a row are they actually going to fucking cover? Is Jimmy Garoppolo? No, he's not practicing this week.

It doesn't look like he's playing. Oh, please. He's too good looking to set out a start. He wants to go down there and have the cheerleaders wink at him as he goes down the fucking field. Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy. How'd you learn to throw that pigskin?

Do you want to fuck me? Exactly how it goes. I love you picking the Rams in Seattle. I love that fucking pick, you fucking bastard. I like your picks, Paul. I think it is a luck. All right, let's go division rivalry here. The fucking Lions in the Vikings.

You know, I don't like when a division rivals favored by nine. I'm going to take the fucking Lions. I'm going to go 0-4 this week, Paul. I'm betting on the fucking Lions. I should have my head examined. Oh, shit. All right. The Lions to get off the Schneid.

I like, I like getting, getting nine division. All right. Well, there you have it, everybody. That's our week five preview. Those are our picks. We are on the, we are on the doorstep of above 500. Let's see what happens. You're 500, Paul, because I'm a game behind you.

So I'm two games under. I'm seven and nine. You're eight and eight. Okay. I think you are right. I was one ahead with this third week. So yeah. And then we tied this week.

Yup. Before you answer that, let me just get it. People are like, what's going on? We are here. Oh, sorry. No, no, no. We are here with the week four preview. Okay.

And we got Jason Scott. It is correct. That's right. Yup. We got Jason Scott with us who is going to give us the ins and ins of bookmaking and what he sees with the NFL every week. And let us know if we are just flipping a coin or if there is some method to our madness.

So welcome to our anything better NFL week four, you know, preview, go over here. Perfect. So how do we get the numbers? Can I tell you, it's not the bookmakers. It's the betters. So there are a lot of betters now that is incredibly sophisticated. There's one group betting in this country that employs 300

quads and then running numbers and they're doing whatever they are. What we have at Ben NGM and the other big operators in the country too is really sophisticated data technology. And we'll know that well, when Bill bets, the market moves. He's right. So we'll move it this way towards your market. Then another sharp white bet the other way.

And we're basically looking for a balancing point where we can take money on both sides. But as the customers telling us, don't let any of the bookmakers take the credit. We're using that. The intelligence is out there in the market. And we landed the right spot when we're getting money on both sides.

Well, it's the right spot. How do you go? Well, if you have money on both sides, is it just the, how do you make money then? If you've got 50 grand on one side, 50 on the other, you're paying out. Is it just a big? No, I didn't say we take the same amount of money on both sides.

We take the same amount of sharp money on both sides. What does that mean? We might have 100,000 customers, but there's only 100 that we use to move the market. So these are guys when they bet the market moves their way. Let's use stories about pros versus joes. Often the public, like this week, I can tell you, Green Bay will be our worst result.

No one's going to want to take Cincinnati plus three and a half at home. All the joes, all the public will be on Rogers, but we've already seen the sharps are just chipping away at the Bengals already. Oh, okay. You know, we've had a few examples of that game. The other big one was the Raiders versus the Ravens in week one. All of the pros wanted to be on the Raiders.

And so, so that evens out. So sometimes we end up with a balanced book, but other times we end up with 90, 10. You know, what happens there? You guys, you guys actually going like nervous when all the pros jump on one and everybody, everybody that listens to them. My pros are basically not only betting a lot of money, they're driving a lot of traffic towards what they're saying.

Yeah, look, this sounds a little bit overconfident, but we bet on four and a half million markets a year now. So we bet on 350 markets in a football game. We know that our model works, that we're going to have some ups and downs. Where I get nervous is the Super Bowl because it's just, it's so much bigger than the game and the liabilities are out of whack with the rest of the year.

But we know in an over a week, over a month, over a year, we'll sort of hit our big, hit our margin big. What's the worst you guys ever lost? We thought like, man, we're going to have to shut it. We're going to have to shut this casino down, turn it into a smoothie bar. Yeah, look, I think, I think we've had a few this and we were getting, obviously we're getting bigger each, each month right

now. We went in Arizona last, ninth of September and the numbers there have been enormous. The worst result that I think we would have had where we, where the Ravens said is if the chiefs had won that Sunday night football game three weeks ago, where 36, 35 or whatever it was, that one was as ugly as I've seen. Jason, quick question.

Somebody said when all the money is going, and I mean, obviously nobody knows if this is true, but have you seen this when, if all the money's going somewhere, right? Like let's just say, you know, the Patriots like three years ago are going into like after a hard loss to the Dolphins, they're going and it's a lock and everybody, like he said, 95%, everyone's going there. Is it true that that doesn't, that you guys like that because it's

going to go the other way for the most part or no? No, again, we pretty much use the same round. If the sharps, I think you're talking about the game, the Patriots and the Dolphins in Week 17 a couple of years ago. And if the sharps are betting one side like last week, we couldn't get, we couldn't write the name of the Texans. So that, that one moved from 16 and a half and it jumped 19 against the bills.

And you've just got to wear it when that happens. Sometimes it goes our way. There's no rhyme or reason to how many times we win at that, how many times we lose. We win more than 51% of the time though when the money rolls that way. And that's it. 51% is, is, is, and this game it's, it's winning and it's really

hard to do. Is there such thing? Cause I've texted Bill and we're comedians. Okay. But I've texted Bill and I said, this is a fucking lock. If I've ever seen a lock before, cause I feel, and maybe I could, maybe I could be wrong. I feel you get one or two gifts a year, one or two gifts a year where

I'm like, I know and, but is there such thing as a lock? Like in your world, not us because we're just, we're just gamble, but in your world, are you talking to your colleagues over these things and going, oh my God, like this is going to happen. Like I feel good with this one. There's no such thing as a locking sport. There's too many unknowns between officiating where the player's getting injured.

I've seen money where it comes 97, 3% and you think we have no chance here. It can't possibly help. There's no way we get out of this mess. And sometimes through an act of God, it happens. So, so there's your question. Let me ask you this. In the 2000s, did you guys know that the NBA was fixed?

Were you literally watching those, you know, some of those calls just going like, all right, there's definitely some crooked refs. The commissioner is definitely steering some bigger markets into the finals. I mean, that was like a freaking soap opera. Let me just say one thing. In the 2000s, what was happening in NBA was Charles play compared to what was happening on the ATP tour.

Some of those tennis matches were just absolutely horrific. Really? Players not trying and you would be surprised. It happens at the biggest tournaments. If they play dead in round one, they don't want to do it at some small tournament Cincinnati. It happens at the U.S. Open or Wimbledon. And there we would see money.

You'd see money guys back from about plus one 40 in the start minus a thousand and they'd win 6-1, 6-1, 6-2. Wow. I'm not going to know. So they got the other. Now, what's going on? They like at that point, like with tennis because they got the they got the Mac and roll cam.

You can't really mess with it too much. So you got to get a player to throw it, huh? I've got a theory that there was a group that might have been betting on injuries where they knew someone was injured and then they worked out. There was not much point betting on injuries. Well, it's manufacturing injury or two. But I know, I know the ATP are on.

I don't know. Interpol was on. And a few players, it was kept reasonably quiet. But a few players got alive enough. All right. But did you know the NBA was fixed because I was sitting there. I was working in Australia and Europe then. I probably wasn't as close to it.

When I speak to the guys that have been here for the last 20 years, I think the answer is no. But now they look back on it knowing what they know. They all say we should have seen that. Oh, here's it. I was at a Utah Jazz Boston Celtics game. And I watched these refs in one. I don't know who was referring, but this game,

they were letting them play. And I'm like, all right, they're letting them play. And then all of a sudden they would just call in everything. And then again, they let him play. It was like they were bipolar. And just through all of my years of watching just sports in general. Like a guy's strike zone doesn't change. A guy like, OK, if that's not pass interference,

that has to go the whole game. You can't go wishy-washy. And I've seen that with basketball. Like, OK, no blood, no foul. Or this guy's calling everything. I've never seen a game where it went no blood, no foul to do whatever the hell you know. You can look at a guy there's a foul and to go back again. And it just killed me because for years I was saying it was fixed.

And people thought I was full of shit. And then they get the mobbed up ref who basically says he fixed the Sacramento series. And then all like the only satisfaction I got was everybody goes, oh, it was just one guy. It was just one guy, which I say is bullshit because how long can you be on an officiating crew before you realize some guy there is shaving points? Well, the lot came out. They waited for David Stern to die before a lot came out, didn't it?

So, you know, who knows? But I think you're right. Look, the other sport that's notorious worldwide is cricket. And I've spoken to some professional cricket and some funny things happen there as well. Jason, the worldwide sports are filthy. Jason, how many cricket? What about squash? What's going on out there?

How many how many people tried getting their money back from that bad call, that pass interference call of the Saints Rams? Do you remember that? I do remember that. Look, some of the online bookmakers, we've had a rod for our back and back with these justice payouts and bad beat payouts and whatever else. We've created a cohort of customers that just wins to mummy every time they don't get their own way and coming for these Greek funds and that's our fault.

I was just going to say is that what we saw? Like, how long do you talk to gamblers before they go? It's fixed, right? It can never be me because I have all the right picks. It's got to be fixed. Someone's injured. I need my money back. I said, well, you could have bet under us on how many yards he would have got.

I'm still going to pay him out. I can't give you the money because you bet over us. But look, it's a money. When you started in this business, were you in the part of bookmaking, making where you had to slap some people around? No, no, no. I started in racing. So I started racing.

So I suppose you could say there's more nefarious stuff there that happens in all sports globally. Well, which racing we talk? We talking cars? We talking animals? Horses. Horses. Yeah. Yeah, no, no.

I've always worked with the legal crews. So I'm going to the pleasure of having to knock on some. What do you think the most degenerate gamblers? Like these people have a problem. There's families crying out in the parking lot. We talking the dog track is what I would guess off track betting right next to the Port Authority. I think the pandemic and the rise of table tennis and Russian third division ice hockey is probably a cry out for help. Dude, I'm going to be honest with you.

I don't want to out anybody. I'm not going to say his name. I had a buddy of mine during the height of the pandemic and quarantining when there was nothing going on. He was betting like South Korean baseball. He was so Jonathan to have actions on something and he was staying up at like three to four o'clock in the morning. You can imagine how I took it when I woke up at 6.30 one morning. We done 285,000 on the South Korean baseball game. Now, who gets blamed for that in your world?

Look, I'm not a big there is no right or wrong. We can only put up prices. We can't make you bet the left side, the right side team. No, but you work for a corporation. So they owe this. Somebody always has to take get a pound of flesh taken. It's got to be the fall guy. You can't tell me they never came to you going like this.

This was on you. How did you think this cricket match was going to go this way? I run this show in my team. So yeah, they come to me and I must have had a good enough excuse for that one because I got to last another week in the room. I love dude. I love Jason. He's like a calm Australian Tim Dylan. It's great.

Also, I would think that you'd have to have your disposition to survive the stress. Like, how do you when you stress when you're just sitting there, we're halfway through the game day and you see you guys are going to take a bath. Can you just sit there? I mean, you're like Joe Tory. You're just sitting there like, I don't know if you're winning or losing. Look, if I'm alone, my remote control does take a few flights around the living room with the TV right on the couch. But look, publicly, you can't get too happy when you win and you can't get too sad when you lose or you're a heart attack victim. Yeah, right.

I'm like, you've been doing this long enough. I used to get involved in every game in the Ellen Scream and cheer. Now I just swear on the odd occasion, usually at officials. But look, you've just got to stay level or you'd have to find another career if you lived and died by every result. How did you get into this career? Were you someone that gambled? And after a while you're like, why don't I get on the side that's winning? The generator.

So I grew up, my father took me to the races when I was six. I was working in banking and finance. I had a mid-life crisis at about 28. Luckily, my wife had a good job because I said, I'm resigning. She said, what are you going to do, bet? How to go betting professionally was no good at that. So I needed a career and I was lucky enough to start working actually with a big betting syndicate about 2002 in Australia, who taught me how to do it properly and I sort of learned.

You know, there's a movie out there with starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman, where he plays a banker with a gambling problem. Owning Mahoney, is that? Is that? Oh my God. I couldn't get through it. I had to watch it in 10 minute increments. It was so like, like making my stomach and knots, just watching what this guy was doing, going out, just ruining his life.

But anyways, let's get on the positive side of betting. Winning, me and Fersi. Okay. We're not going to talk about our first three weeks, especially mine. We went three and one last week. I actually had Tom Brady, the Tom Brady buccaneers laying six and I'm a Patriots fan. I went against my own team because I figured if my team wins, I'll be happy. If my team loses, I'll win some money.

And then the worst case to happen, my team lost and the other team didn't cover. So I got, my kids are too little for me to be cursing like that. I got to wait till they're in their teens and then I can really let the emotions fly. But you almost, we almost went four and oh, you, you were closer to four and oh, I had one shot at it with the, with the 49ers. Jason, do you have a Super Bowl pick? Do you have a picks for the Super Bowl or no? Yeah, look, I'm right now.

I'm pretty much anything you may not want to hear this as a Tom Brady family. I'm anything but Tom Brady. We've, we've lost him to lose a big house in the, to win the MVP. And we've lost him to lose a 10 story block of apartments in the, to if they win the Super Bowl. The only name we're writing is Tampa. They're a horrible result for us. Wow. Okay.

Here's my thing. I actually, my pick for MVP was Kyler Murray, but I think the NFL still loves a white quarterback. So I want to change it to Josh Allen. Yeah. What are the odds on that? I just don't think they're going to give it to a guy like Kyler Murray. What about Matt Stafford too? Yeah.

There's another white guy. Does that's good? It's safe money. Yeah. A couple of years ago, didn't they? So they haven't given it to one button. I'm just messing around. I've got to keep the comedy going at some point here, you know?

I'm a Cardinals fan, so I'm just hoping. I love Kyler Murray. Dude, they got Chandler Jones and JJ Watts on defense. I mean, I've been winning money off those guys. They've been covering for me. Yeah. Look, we've started well, but I mean, a Cardinals fan, I'm not used to starting positive for too long.

The inevitable happened somewhere along the line. All right. What's the overunder? They're going to give that stadium a real name and finally get rid of jobbing.com. I mean, how much money? I've never even heard of that website. Like how do they have that level of money to keep that stupid name on the side of that wonderful stadium?

I mean, jobbing is something you say when you get fucked over by the referees. Why would you have that on the side? Home cooking arena. Well, I'd love to be out of bed from that. So I'd come from Australia where the betting is a lot less regulated. So, for instance, we'd bet on dancing with the stars or the voice or MasterChef. Pre-recorded. We'd bet on pre-recorded television shows and still win.

What's his face did that? Used to bet the afternoon game. He'd bet the matinee game. What's this? Artie Lang, one of the funniest chapters in his book, one of his many books, he talked about how nobody bet hockey and there was an afternoon game every week and they started like putting their bets in for that night's baseball or football, probably football season. And they would bet the afternoon game and the guy didn't notice.

And rather than just using that to fund them, they got greedy. I forget. It ended with the guy saying he was going to kick the shit out of him. In a McDonald's on Ash Wednesday. So he had this big smudge on his face. He said they just sat there laughing at him. It's one of my many favorite Artie Lang stories. That's awesome.

I remember that. That is awesome. All right. What's the dumbest thing? What's the thing? The dumbest thing you ever bet on? The most obscure, ridiculous thing you ever bet on? Without a doubt survivor.

She got trying out the second week. Oh, what was, what was the, uh, would you have to lay out? I think I was on it. I was on it about 16 to one. I had the right word. I had the right word from a guy in production. And I realized two weeks in, I had the wrong word. Oh, no.

You had insider information. Did you go and talk to that guy? You never saw him again. Well, he's a good mate of wine actually. But yeah, we haven't taken his tip since. Uh, Jason, can you bet on Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy or no? No, we haven't got to that. Look, to be honest, Jeopardy.

I think it'd be fantastic. The toner of the champions. This is what you got. I already have the line. You have to have the line. There's a guy on the show, the over and under. If he says, uh, my smoke and hot wife. For some reason, everybody on that show says that.

Who are you? Hey, Joe, who do you got here today? Well, I got my smoke and hot wife and my son and my daughter. Well, my wife was, uh, both times that she was pregnant. And when she was really, you know, third trimester, whatever they hell they call it. And she was just hating life. I would just, uh, we would watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy.

And, uh, that was one of the things that we know. One of the, you know, we watched it enough. We started breaking down the show. People say my smoke and hot wife. You can start there. Uh, Jason, a buddy of mine who used to be a Bronx bookie years ago, older fella now he was in, he was in the game for many, many years. He said, when people come in with the parlays, he said, once it gets to

three and four games, the percentages, they're just kind of like, nah, it's just not, it's done. You know, is that, is that, would you say that once you get to three, four and five, it's a little much? Yeah, look, it is without going into it. They're our profit. They're our profit margin. We did have a customer the other week that took a 16 leg money line,

all 16 legs of the NFL. He got to Monday night football and he had $20 on it. I can't remember the exact number. It was in the vicinity of 730,000. And he got to the last leg and he had to try money line against Green Bay. He was smart enough to take 130,000 cash out. But they looked at the stories. Wow.

Not a good story is like that. But there's, you're great. Did he lose the next money? He lost the next night. Yeah. Only cash out. He would have lost it. We haven't seen him back since.

So he's taking the money. I love that you keep track of them. Dude, here's my thing. My, my, this is what I feel like with parlays and all that. Like gambling is like committing a murder. It's like, you got to do it by yourself or you're going to get caught. You start bringing, you bring four, three, four other teams in. There's just too much that has to go right.

You know what I mean? You just, I never, like worst that would ever do. Remember the T's, the two team T's. I would do that. Do you guys have those lightning bets? Another Artie Lang story. His normal story, a lightning bet was most terrifying. Huh?

There are things of the past now. We've gone the other way. Thousands of prop markets on yards or you can even bet on how many, how many extra points a kicker will kick. So we've sort of gone, we've got, we've added that. I like that one. That's a good one. Dude, how the hell could you ever guess that?

We just, I buy a corner by the light of money and he comes up with a price. And we try. No, no, I'm not talking you. I'm talking Verzi. Verzi's like, oh, that's a good one. Paul, how the fuck would you know how many X? That's one of the most obscure things ever. How many?

Cause I would say three, my bet would be three or four, three or four extra points. Hey Paul, how many cameraman are going to get knocked down when a guy runs out of bounds? Probably one in a game. I would bet one in a game. I take that. I think it happens like every three games. Yeah. That's safe money.

One cameraman going, oh no, one person on the sidelines. Just one. I feel like it ends your career as a cameraman. So they all fucking know. So they got their heads on a swivel, but it still happens cause these kids is so damn fast. And you not to mention you got like that kitchen safe on your shoulder. Dude, I was at a game. You know that thing where they drive up and down the, up and down the sidelines with the camera?

Yeah. You know that? Dude, it ran over somebody. Oh geez. Yeah, they backed over this woman. Dude, when I tell you like that thing was just scrubbed, you saw it nowhere. I couldn't find the story. I was at the Rams Tampa game.

Doing the guy driving was just like this. He was just, I think he drove over. I'm not sure what happened. Somebody fucked up though. Somebody fucked up, Paul. Somebody went down. Lastly, last question for me, Jason. Are that I think the New York Giants and I know that I'm a fan, but I think the New York Giants season was on the line last week because we all know the percentages if a team goes oh and four.

I think Daniel Jones is the real deal and we got some left in the tank. Yes or no. You're three games behind the Cowboys already in the division. I can't see that this year you're going too far. Look, I don't disagree with Daniel Jones. Like, you know, we went for 400 this week, 300 the week before. He certainly, once he's learned not to turn the football over, he's going to be a hell of a player, I think. Yeah.

But I can't see that this year is the year. Fair enough. Jason, if you knew Paul, the amount of pain when he just did that little, that little thing. This fucking guy, I swear to God, they could be oh and eight and he grew up. Dude, I've seen eight and eight win the playoffs, make the playoffs. This guy. Well, you know, you know what though, Jason gave me a little, he gave me a little pad. He said, look, Daniel Jones is the guy, you know, just I think things could go good.

You know, we know, we all know what say, Kwame Barkley is, if the offensive line is good, I'll take that. You know, we are three games back of the Cowboys. Cowboys look great. Dak looks great, but I'll take that nice step in the right direction. I appreciate you, Jason. Thank you, sir. I appreciate you. I hope a lot of money hang out with him.

He's one of the most positive people I've ever met. I need that. I need to just see somebody just be dealt that hand and still have a smile on his face like he's getting a continental breakfast. Well, others say that I'm delusionally positive, but hey, it is what it is. All right. My question would be who's your top dog in the AFC. Now that Tom Brady is two years removed. Ben Rothless Burger is up there.

The bills have been just making, they've been kicking the shit out of everybody. Do they have an impressive win though? You can only pay what's in front of you. You know, you have to say wake one was the exception. They play Kansas to play the Chiefs this week, don't they? In our memory. So this is their chance to make a statement. They look the best team to me right now.

And the Chiefs have lost two in a row. Remember our Tampa looked about week four last year? Quite terrible. So I can change very quickly. And then what happened was their player coach yelled at the offensive line mid-October, especially that redheaded guy making us gingers look bad. He got in his freckled ass. And then that was it.

That was the turning point. I won't even say that might have even been closer to November. They didn't have an injury either. They were blessed with luck. I'm a little dubious about them this year. And now you said money on Brady getting back this year is not good or good? Yeah, no. 10, 9, 10, 11 dollars.

We have the customers coming every week. We've had more money on him. We've had double on him than we've had on any other player, even preseason. We couldn't, we couldn't run a bit from behind as it was all for Brady's side. I love him. What's left to love really? As it should be. I mean, the guy's been to 10 Super Bowls and won seven of them.

I mean, that's, that's like cartoon numbers. That's movie numbers, Paul. It doesn't happen. All right. Well, listen, I, I'd love to have you on again. Yeah. Because I think what you do for a living is so fascinating. And I would also like to tap in next time.

We have more time. Talk more about the insane things that you can gamble on in Australia because I've been there like three or four times just to do shows. Had I known this whole extra level of fun, I didn't, I mean, if I, if I could gamble on American Idol, I would actually watch it. Exactly. I had to be a bookmaker. I wasn't smart enough to be a comedian and these hands are not good for digging ditches.

I'd love to come back. Yeah. No, we got hotel sweet hands. That definitely says we got to have you. No, we got to have you back, man. It's, it's cause it's so funny cause you're just like this calm voice of reason and we're just, this is perfect. I love it, man.

Thanks so much. If you got the time, maybe you could check in, you know, every month or so is where we're sitting here gambling, seeing how we're doing because we can also have some listeners ask some questions because, you know, most of us gamble, but, you know, we're all fascinated by the Sam Rothsteins. Yes. And that whole side of the business is amazing. So thank you so much for coming on.

Very happy to. Thank you. Okay, cool. All right, Jason. Thank you, buddy. I appreciate it. Guys, as you know, anything better has paired with bet MGM. Okay.

Go to bet, go to bet MGM. All right. We'll be using the bet MGM lines all year. Okay. For the picks and we'll have special offers for our listeners each week. If you haven't signed up at bet MGM, use a bonus code. Be you are or you'll get a hundred dollars free after placing your first one dollar bet. Here's how it works.

You download the bet MGM app, you sign up and you put in bonus code. And if you're a free bet owner, be you are our place. Your first dollar money line bet on any game. You'll receive a hundred dollars in free bets immediately after placing your bet, regardless of the outcome of your bet. Just make sure you use bonus code. Burr when you sign up. Hey guys, visit bet MGM.com for terms of conditions, 21 years of age or older to wager.

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All right, that's it. I hope you enjoyed the bet MGM talk and now we're going to do a little musical interlude. The music picked out by the always lovely, the always wonderful, the incredibly musically talented, a bunch of different other talents this man has. Andrew Thamelis and after that, we'll have a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a few years ago or however the hell he works it out. That's it. Have a great weekend you cunts and I'll talk to you on Monday.

Thank you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, October 7th, 2013. October, we're all the way into the fall here. It is officially October. It's the month of pink. Yes, it is. Are you aware that cancer is in somebody's boobs?

Hey, I actually think that they weren't wearing the pink stuff as much. I didn't think there was or maybe I'm just used to it. Is that what it is? I have no idea. I got no fucking idea. All I know is I watched some football yesterday and first of all, who's kidding who? Who is kidding who? I'll tell you who's kidding who.

I'm kidding myself when I say this next thing. Let's go Red Sox. Here we go. Team that I haven't watched all fucking year. Boom. Boom. I've watched two Red Sox games this whole year. Game one and game two of the playoffs.

Hey, like what's his face says in the Warriors? I've been busy. All right. I was too fucking busy to watch him. That isn't the truth. The truth of the matter is one of my favorite players tested positive for some substance in 2010. And at that point I was like, you know what, I'm going to give baseball a fucking rest here. Okay.

I'm sick of feeling like a fucking eight year old, not even an eight year old, a four year old. Who's, who's, you know, and then they won the championship and they lived happily ever after. And I go to bed with my little broken smile because my young two-faces are starting to fall out. I get a quarter onto my pillow and I believe that everybody did it in an honest fucking way. And then three, four years later, ESPN comes out with yet another guy, another fresh face white dude, you know, with a little habidash on or maybe a former player. Maybe a former player comes out and then they, they, they fucking let me know that everything that I thought was, wasn't. Everything that I thought is, isn't, and that I'm just a dumb freckled cunt.

And I just, I got sick of it. So, so I haven't been watching. I mean, I kind of, you know, was watching as they dismantled Terry left town, Theo Epstein, he's over out there in Chicago. And I watched the gradual, the whole thing disintegrate. But I do, you know, it's funny. I was actually texting another buddy of mine, like, oh, hey, you've been watching the Red Sox at all. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I've been watching him. And I openly admitted, I was like, dude, I'm beyond fucking bandwagon this year.

And he laughed. And he goes, so am I. Yeah, we both live out fucking on the West Coast now. And we're watching the game. And he was literally saying like, he was thinking shit like, hey, you know, that Asian guy we got is really good. Neither one of us do his name. Our relief pitcher who I can't even say his lights out because I've watched 18 innings, some of it with the sound down. And I don't even know the name of our close up.

I just know that he's Asian and he's been killing it. So, oh my God, you're going to see it. If the Red Sox win the World Series and I go out and get the hat, because you know, you got to go out and get the hat. Right. Put your arms around other fans and we'll go down together and you act like you've been there while I'm here to admit. Right. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm doing that thing when somebody fucks up in a game.

And afterwards when the reporters come to the locker room, rather than let the reporters say how bad you sucked, you just own up to it. You know, I didn't get it done today, you know, but I take full responsibility. I let my teammates down. I let down my mom, my high school coaches. You know, if everybody hates me, I'm going to let you know I hate myself even more than you hate me. Okay. I suck. Look at me.

I'm pointing right at my face. I suck. Okay. So you don't need to write it. That's what I'm doing before you guys call me out for being old Billy bandwagon. I'm letting you know I am. All right. I'm on board from day one, although I haven't watched a second of it yet, but I take the fucking games over there.

I was on the road. All right, I've been busy. It's fucking busy. I went this week. I went El Paso to San Jose. Then I went up to Seattle. And then I went down to Phoenix, Arizona, another great fucking week, but it was airport, airport, airport, airport. Is that what it was?

No, I drove to El Paso. That was a good time. You know, the old me would have gone in a straight shot. 12 hours. I got this. I'll leave at 10 in the fucking morning, get there at 10 at night, have myself a fucking quesadilla. And I would just go into bed, but I'm fucking old now. I got right around Tucson and I was like, I'm tired.

My ass hurts. And I got a fucking hotel. And I got to tell you, it was great. It was great. I drove for like eight hours. That's what I did. I drove for eight hours. And then the next day I woke up and I drove basically from Tucson to El Paso and it was fucking, it was awesome.

Going through the badlands of New Mexico where there's just fucking nothing out there. You know what's funny? Somebody sent me on Twitter was saying, you know, I hope Bill doesn't have a beautiful drive out to El Paso, so I don't have to hear about it. And that fucking made me laugh so goddamn hard just because of what is behind that. Like how miserable was your fucking childhood that you don't want to hear somebody say that they had a great time and that this is a beautiful country. Like you'd much rather have me go out there and be like, there's fucking nothing out there. You know, a bunch of fucking Indian reservations. You know, we should just kill the rest of them, right?

And put up a fucking sports bar. You know, fucking moron. But you know what? But he's younger. I think he was younger judging by his avatar. You like that? I picked up that little word of technology. See, I fucking week ago, I just thought it was a movie where shit floated around you.

And there was these blue people was like, it was Smurf porn, right? If you straight like it was Smurf porn. That's what that fucking movie was Smurf porn combined with the way that guy drew those pictures on good times when they pretended Jimmy Walker painted them. Remember that they'd have a dude dunking a basketball and his arm would be like extra long. Combined both of those schools. I feel, you know, and at the end of the day, I don't remember a fucking second of that movie. I just remember somebody had, I just remember the didn't everybody have like hair like every cornerback in the NFL, except it was blue. I don't know how fucking they had the same body types of that dude who goes right from high school into the NBA.

You know, not quite a boy, not quite a man body and your fucking six, 10. Am I thinking the right fucking move? Anyways, judging by this kid's avatar, he was, he was, you know, young, he was in his 20s. So your 20s is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you're running to. You know, you don't realize that you're doing it. At least this is how my life went. If you had, if you had a wonderful childhood, if there was no conflict, I mean, what is a wonderful childhood? What is a wonderful childhood?

Whatever. If you had one where people, there's no way to, there's no way to not fuck up your kid. What it really is, is you're trying to fuck it up the least, the least amount that you can. You're trying to send your kid out into the world with the least amount of fucking issues. So I don't know, I guess that they, they could be happy. And then also that you don't have to be sitting in the back of a courtroom and complete denial that, you know, your kid fucked a dog. No, I just think it's going to come. We'll see.

Present the evidence. I think, you know, yes, there was dog hair in his pubes, but that doesn't mean anything. No, it doesn't. It's circumstantial. Maybe that's what it is. So whatever. So I didn't get upset by that guy. I mean, how my life went was in my twenties, my early twenties, I was like this fucking like really quiet, got along with everybody.

And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, like my anger would flare up like that fake volcano in front of that fucking casino out there in the desert. Is it treasure Island? Right. And then people would be like, what the fuck is that as they looked for their eyebrows. And then I didn't know how to apologize. And that would be the end of the relationship. And late twenties sort of came to the surface thirties brutal came out of the thirties right before I hit the ground. I started to pull it up a little bit.

Now I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm a fucking mess. Everybody. I really am. And that's why you're listening to this other than maybe it makes you feel better about yourself. I don't fucking know. Or maybe you just hate your job. Do you guys watch any football yesterday?

Great games, some great games and some not so great games. I'll tell you if you guys tape the Patriots Bengals game. If you are a fan of ugly, ugly, ugly, turn away from the TV football. That was an ugly one. And I don't know. This is going to be I have to watch the rest of the game because I was so fucking exhausted. I only got two hours sleep. So I watched.

I watched right up until the third quarter when it went off the rail. So I still have to watch the rest of the game when it starts raining and all that type of shit. But it was just neither team could score a fucking point. A bunch of goddamn field goals and the Patriots loss, but I would have what are you going to do? I mean, I thought at this point we'd be fucking two and three four and one. I'll take it. But I don't know. I don't know what to think about anybody at this point.

You're looking at the goddamn Cowboys Broncos game and all you fucking big buckled, big stupid hat, fucking facelift, Botox, overly made up cunts in Dallas. If you fucking jump on Tony Romo after that game, you're a fucking moron. How many points does the guy have to score to win a goddamn game? Fucking put up 48 points against the Broncos. 48 fucking points. And then the enemy throws an interception. Same old Tony.

That's the same old Tony right there. I swear to God, he's like a ranch hand I used to have. He could brand shit. He'd brand 800 cattle in a fucking row and then he'd drop it on his foot. Wouldn't get that last one. I mean, you don't get that last one or what the fuck you do the whole herd for. You ain't gonna do the whole fucking herd. I'll fucking do it myself there.

That bullshit. Maybe not with that fucking accent. But listen, man, the guy scored 48 fucking points in his goddamn defense. Put him in a situation where now he had to go out and score better than 51 just to get a goddamn victory. So yeah, you got to sling it. And that dude who picked it up was laid out. It was an incredible interception. All right.

So, hey, I'm fucking sticking with Tony over here. And then you got the Broncos who they're doing that Miami Dolphin Dan Marino thing right now with this. They're just outscoring people. They're letting up a lot of fucking points. They're letting up a lot of points. And what I value as a fan of NFL football, what I have seen in the past is if you score a zillion points during the regular season and you let up half a zillion points, you lose in the playoffs playoffs because you end up running into fucking amazing defenses that win games 20 to 17. When you run into that fucking team, all right, and they slow the whole fucking thing down, you know, slow down the other offense and that type of shit, then you're done.

If they have any sort of running game and then they keep your fucking guy off the field, all of a sudden you're sitting there with your pockets turned inside out, going, where's my proverbial football wallet there? Jesus, Bill. She's got diarrhea pouring out of your mouth this week, don't you? Talking all kinds of shit. Yeah. So I don't even know. I don't even know where the Broncos. I don't know who's shot.

I don't know who's not. Then you have Seattle. We are the loudest. Right? They fucking go in and they got beat by the goddamn Colts. And last week, if fucking that dude from the Texans who according to Paul Verzy was talking to him this morning, he's thrown a pick six four weeks in a row. If he doesn't throw a pick six, that's two games they lost on the road. And that's a knock against that team.

They're saying that they're not good on the road. Jesus Christ, this is shaping up to be a very interesting football season. And you know why that is because they have a hard cap. So everybody's in it. You hear that baseball NBA basketball. I haven't even watched baseball. I don't even know if it's working or not. Anyway, so there you go.

So there's my sports talk for the week. Hey, ladies, anybody out there left? Any ladies left? I went on the road this week with Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl tailgate legend, the godfather of our fucking tailgate. If anybody's getting his ring kissed on that wonderful fucking New Year's Day, it's Joey B. I got to tell you something. That fucking guy made me laugh. I just think that guy kills me.

If you get a chance to see Joe Bartnick do stand up, I don't know how to describe it. I just watching a crowd figure out who the fuck he is. It takes him about two and a half, three minutes, and then they're on board and they're going on the ride. And I don't know how to tell you what the fuck he was. He went, we were walking through Seattle and he started talking about homeless people. He had me fucking die and laugh and I'm like, you got to do that tonight. And he tried it out when we were at the beautiful pageant theater in Seattle. And by the way, we're both walking around talking about how much we love that fucking city, man.

That is an underrated Seattle, Washington, especially if it's sunny out. Sunny, thank you for the shit you took last night. What the fuck am I talking about? You know what's crazy about Seattle? Every time I fly in, first of all, usually it's raining and I'm freaking out that we're going to crash. But this time it was sunny and we were flying out over whatever the Puget Sound, whatever the hell it is. And I had the window seat and I looked down and I've been meaning to find this fucking house. You ever go and you land, you're coming in for a landing and you're looking down over these neighborhoods

and it just looks like, you know, the little houses all made out of ticky tack, that bullshit. And then every once in a while you fly over one of those Illuminati neighborhoods. And it could even be your home state. And it just so because the winds are different, they just flew over a different area that day and you look down like you're going, where the fuck are those houses? Is that a school or is that a house? What is that? And it was one of those deals.

I'm coming in, I feel like a different way than usual and I had the window seat and I looked out and what I saw, it can't be described as a mansion. What's the next size up from a mansion? Like a villa? Is that the word you use? You know what it looked like? You guys ever see that movie The Dirty Dozen with Lee Movin and Charles Bronson? Do you remember when all those Nazi officers were in that, that they were in France

and they, you know, because they were occupying France and they took over the whole fucking country and so they were in that giant looking like castle type thing. They had all these rooms and these, that's what this thing looked like. And we're flying over the thing and it was surrounded by these beautiful tall trees all around the house and then on three sides of it, it looked like three manicured fairways in the shape of like football fields. Absolutely fucking immaculate. And it was right on this like peninsula and there was water around it and then you had to walk like a hundred yards, you had to walk like fucking look, it looked like 200 feet of woods from the house

and then a hundred yard football field and then right on the edge of the water was one of the coolest looking in-ground pools I've ever seen in my life. Like you'd have to take a fucking tram from the house to get to the pool and I don't know. I'm going to try and find it. I don't know how to tweet it or something like that. I don't want to tweet somebody's fucking house but I don't know who lives there but if there is people that meet every day to decide whether it rains or not, that guy who lives there or that lady, they are at that meeting casting their vote

because I don't know, I've never seen a fucking house like that in my life. So anyway, so we go into Seattle and as usual, and this is the last time I'm doing it, I went down to that stupid fucking fisherman's wharf there where they saw him throwing the fish and as I was walking there, this is the first time I'm walking there, I was like, why am I going down here? This is such a touristy thing to do. You know the food's going to suck and it's going to be overpriced and that's exactly what the fuck happened. You know, I got like some crab burger, Bartnick got his burger, his burger was cold,

mine was all right and I'm like, of course, nobody from Seattle goes down here to see a bunch of asshole tourists buying Seattle magnets and sweatshirts. Where the fuck did they go? And I forgot to ask, I don't know. So anyway, so I had a shit sandwich with a side of fries there. So then I went out, I did the show at the Paramount Theater and it was crazy. The theater was one of these deals where like you, I don't know, just the way it was set up, like you said the joke and there was like half a second pause and then you'd hear the laughter coming back to the stage.

So kind of fucked up my timing at first and everything went great. And in the end, somebody finally yelled Seattle and I kind of brought up the fact that I had sung We Are The Loudest or whatever, I got booed a little bit, but they were cool about it. And I don't know, it was just, it was an awesome show. And then I found out that Dave Chappelle was in town right around the corner. So me and Bartnick, like two little schoolgirls, literally ran over to where he was performing and got to watch the last 10 minutes of his set, which of course his last 10 minutes crushed anything that I've ever written in my entire career.

You know, it was a nice, it was a, what do you call it? I'm not eye-opener, whatever. Just, you know, the second you think like, hey, I think I'm getting a handle of this. Oh, wait a minute, I still suck. Okay, cool. So it was an awesome night and then we went to this fucking bar. Chappelle was over at the Moore Theater, which is the one where Eddie Vedda and Pearl Jam made that one where he was in the dirty shorts, right?

And he dropped down into the crowd after he stared at him for an uncomfortably long time. So we went to this bar right around the corner and it just seemed shady the second we walked in. And according to Bartnick, the bouncers said, when we walked in after he checked Bartnick's ID, he said, good luck. So I proceed to drink way more than I should have. And, you know, the end of the night comes and I'm hungry. So I go up to the front desk and I'm like, yeah, you guys still have room service? They're like, no, they're fucking drunk leprechaun. Here's a pizza menu.

Get away from the front desk. You're scaring the ladies. So I vaguely remember this. I went upstairs and I'm trying to order a pizza and something in my back of my head goes, you shouldn't be eating like this at this hour. So I call them up and they were like, thank you for calling Gina's pizza. Can you hold please? And, you know, can you hold please?

They don't wait for a response. They immediately put you on hold. So they should just say, hey, welcome to fucking Freddy's pizza. I'm putting you on hold. But they don't. Welcome to Tony's pizza. Can you hold please? And they put me on hold.

So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there. And I think I actually passed out for a second and I woke up and I was still on hold. Or I think I passed out with my eyes open like one of those things. I just started thinking about shit and I forgot what I was doing. And then I was just like, why is one of my ears hotter than the other? Oh, I'm on hold. And I was like, ah, fucking, let me call back. So I call back again.

Hey, welcome to Gina's pizza. Can you hold please? Put me on fucking hold again. And as I was like, no, no, I just want a little bit and they already had me on hold. So I sat there for another fucking couple of minutes. My ears getting hot again. My ears getting hot again. So I hang up and I don't really remember what I said, but I called them back and as they're

going, Hey, welcome to Tony's pizza. I just start dropping f-bombs. You know, fucking, fucking send me a fucking hold you fucking asshole. I just want to fucking be fucking. I said, fuck, like 58 times. And the guy on the other end goes, Hey buddy, buddy, you need to relax. And I just kept, but I was like, it was like I was filibustering with Tourette's. And I plowed right through that fuck.

He just hung up on me and then went over to the bed, probably passed out face down, you know, in the pillow, breathing in carbon dioxide for the rest of the night and woke up with a brutal, brutal hangover as I had to fly to Phoenix the next day. And I had one of those ridiculously smiling, like a fucking maniac. Like, I don't know what happened. Like, you know, she's still putting on all this makeup to the point she looked like some crazy clown. And she was just like, Hey, how are you today?

You know, like adding syllables to the fucking one syllable words day. And it was just kind of like, can I get you a drink this morning? Just fucking like, you can see it. Her life was almost over the hill of hope and she was just going to go, she's just pulling back the throttle and she's going to go as positive as she possibly can, hoping if she puts this fucking energy out there, something loving is going to come back to her. It was one of the most uncomfortable fucking flights I've ever had and I was hung over. And the more I was coming at her with my negative energy, like, can you fucking stop smiling

at me? All right. I just need some water, right, to get rid of the throbbing in my head. It made her pull back on the stick even more to the point. I think she went into a stall. Um, I don't know. It was one of those deals. It probably, I'm sure she was completely normal and it was just the fact that I was so goddamn

drunk that are so hung over that, um, that her extra bubbly personality was coming across that way. I don't know. As always, as always, I was probably in the wrong, but I'm too immature to admit it. So with that, that's the beginning of the podcast. By the way, you are listening to the Monday morning podcast. If you just happen to walk by somebody's earbuds, um, I do one of these every single week and they're probably sitting there going, Hey, how do I support this podcast?

How can I have help out this freckled cunt? How can I do it? This real cunt. How can I not say fuck him and everything that he does? Um, well, this is what you can do. You can go to the podcast page. You can click on the, uh, pod. Yeah.

You go to bill bird.com. You click on the podcast page and over on the right, there's a banner for Amazon.com. And if you are thinking of buying anything, if you just go to Amazon through my site, you click on it, you go to Amazon, everything still costs the same. And I get credit for driving traffic to their site. They give me a little skim off the top. I take the skim, put it in my pocket, take a little bit of the skim out, give it to the wounded warriors project.

So you're helping me and you're helping the troops and you're helping America. Um, or you can always also download one of my specials. If you'd like, or buy the hard copy DVD version of it off of the merch page. That's a wonderful thing to do. It's a, makes a great gift. Makes a great gift Christmas coming up for someone you really don't give a shit about. You just want to spend 20 bucks. There you go.

You fuck. Um, laugh it up. County. I'll see you next Christmas. All right. And it makes a great gift. I think at this point, uh, for a hipster, because I know that they've moved on to cassette tapes. They're somewhere in like cassette tapes right now.

So eventually DVDs are going to be cool again because it's not a Blu-ray and, um, you can get to them in a couple of years and then they can go off on their fucking bicycle. It's 10 feet in the fucking air for no, no parent reason. All right. Uh, dollar slave, slave, dollar shave club. Everybody this is blowing up. Everybody's loving this. Even the ladies, I think they're loving it when they shave their legs in their private parts.

The dollar shave club. There are so many things in the world that irritate me. Things like you get your motorcycle license and everybody goes, it's not a matter. If it's a matter of when, but if you buy a scooter, nobody says that to you. They just call you a pussy. You know, or if you ride down the street with on a bicycle, like that is even more dangerous than a motorcycle riding out in traffic, listening to REO speed wagon. So you can't even hear the traffic around you.

Anyways, there's a lot of things that irritate me. Overly positive stewardesses when I have a hangover. When there are so many things that can irritate you, why would you want to add razors to the list? That doesn't make any sense. What do you say in bill? I'm telling you through dollar shave club. It's time to stop milking your razor blade. I know with brand name razors that you're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting

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Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr or go to billburr.com and click on the dollar shave club banner. All right, Hulu plus everyone. You've probably tried hulu.com. If you're even remotely informed, if you're in the loop, if you're one of the cool kids, you've probably tried hulu.com. Well, guess what?

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starring SNL Seth Meyers and Moon Boy, starring Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaid. Hulu plus offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only $7.99 a month. You can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. Right now, you can try hulu plus for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's a special offer for my listeners. Make sure you use huluplus.com slash bill so you get the extended free trial. All right, that's very important. If you want the extended free trial, huluplus.com slash bill. All right, huluplus.com slash bill. Come on, Bill.

Do that now or click huluplus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. And lastly, E voice, everyone. E voice. All right, you have an idea for a business you want to get out from underneath the crushing weight of your cubicle. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window, window view fancy pants office? Or do you want them to know that you're sitting there in your underwears? With E voice, you can create the appearance of entire building, sales, customer support, tech support. You name it, people are going to think you got it.

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And that's the biggest selling point right there. Okay, and now you can try E voice for free for 30 days. Go to E voice.com or just go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the E voice banner. All right, back to the podcast. You know, I mentioned in that. I mentioned that whole thing about motorcycles, scooters and bicycles. Now I look, I know motorcycles are dangerous, but how come a scooter is not dangerous? What, because it's, it's some little skinny nerd riding the fucking thing or a celebrity chef or some lady with a little ladybug helmet on.

All of a sudden get t-boned by a fucking F 100 isn't a problem. I saw a guy today was on a, was riding a bicycle in Los Angeles on a major fucking street. All right. And he had his earbuds in listening to music and he's doing that thing where he's riding like eight to 10 feet off of the curb and this traffic behind him having to slow down and go around him. I, it's that to me is, is more suicidal than riding a motorcycle in LA without a helmet. I might be wrong, but I'm just saying, I know, Bill, you're just saying, Hey, by the way, we have some, we have some fucking hilarious. YouTube videos that some listeners made about this podcast. Two fans made a YouTube video.

Two different fans. Okay. One fan made one. It's a collection of every, oh, Jesus that I said in the past year. It's amazing. And right as it gets annoying, he always has it become funny again. It probably, it's probably going to annoy you guys, but it's like the amount of work that it took to put the whole thing together. It's fucked. And it might be something you want to get a little high and then listen to a drunk or whatever and then call a pizza parlor and curse your brains out at him. We'll have the link for that one. And the other is text art of basically text and art added to me singing a song. When I sang that song, do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? They did this really cool thing that, that once again, made me laugh out loud and I don't, I don't laugh about a lot of things. You know why? Cause I'm a sad clown.

So, oh, by the way, I didn't, the El Paso gig finally happened. It finally happened. I want to thank everybody who came out to that. Everybody came out to San Jose. That was another great, oh fuck, I forgot that story. We performed there. Just a awesome crowd. And at the end of the night, we stayed in a hotel. We just had to walk a block and a half over to the venue. So me and Bartnick are leaving, right? We had a couple of crowns when we were in the theater there and we're walking out and we should have went right. We went left. We zigged and we should have zagged and we just, we just start walking and we're just kind of feeling good cause it was a great show. And we were going to meet a couple of friends to go have something to eat and we're walking and we're walking and we're walking and we're walking. And all of a sudden we went like 10 blocks and Bartnick finds like, dude, where the fuck is the hotel? And I'm like, I don't know. And it's starting to rain and I got my fucking box of DVDs.

We're walking down the street looking like we both just got kicked out by our fucking wives, you know? And I don't know, like, I just finally Googled where the hell our hotel was on the smartphone and I realized we were like 15 blocks in the other direction. We were late. The people who wanted to meet us for dinner were texting us. Long story short, next thing you know, I'm on one of those, we took a bicycle taxi. All right, we took a bicycle taxi. Me and Bartnick sitting there with a glass of Crown Royal each in a plastic cup. I got my, I had my suitcase, my wheelie suitcase with my DVDs in it. He has to see these and we're sitting there riding. This guy with a green Mohawk is riding us in this light misting rain and we're drinking whiskey and it was fucking, it was hilarious, it was great. The wind in our hair or what's left of mine and we're just sitting there laughing our ass off. We couldn't look at each other in the back of this fucking bicycle rickshaw without cracking up because it's kind of a romantic thing to do.

And I don't know, it was just one of those things just laughing our ass off. Then we went to this, this pizza on a pizza, this Italian restaurant, a famous one where they have like career waiters. So the waiters are unbelievable and they got like where the jackets and stuff and I know I've eaten there before. I want to say it was called Joe's and I got a chicken pom. That was delicious. That was fucking delicious. Did I forget any other stories? Oh, and then the last night we worked at the Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix, Arizona. It was in the round and those are always just immediately amazing shows and I got to send the videos that I took there, just the amount of people that have performed there. George Carlin taped a special there, his second one ever in 78. Louis C.K. just did one there. Paul Mooney had worked there, all these amazing comics and then all these bands.

Stevie Ray Vaughn and the in step tour, Miles Davis, Liberace performed there the first time they could make the stage turn a little bit. Cream played there. Van Halen on their first tour played there was fucking insane. Tony Bennett, all of these unbelievable names and then two jackasses from the Rose Bowl tailgate. So it was amazing to become part of that history and then afterwards they have this whole lounge area where the entire staff hangs out and drinks. And we were sitting there back in the green room and I was like, I said, you know, I had some friends that came to visit a buddy of mine from back in the day and he married this woman from New Zealand. And they came up, she had a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship or marriage or whatever and they came up to us and they said, you know, we have a tradition in New Zealand that if a performer comes to town and gives a great show, that we give them a performance back and their 16 year old daughter came up and started doing this thing on the table. I guess some people have ripped it off on YouTube, but I guess this is the original one where they start, she just started doing this whole fucking beat with this cup.

And then as she really was syncopated and all this shit just to keep that going. And then she started singing this song about thank you for coming to the town and we're sorry that you're leaving. And when she would get to the chorus of it, her mother from across the room started singing the other harmony. It was one of the most pure artistic things I've ever seen. It was a paper cup and two people singing. And for half this, I was going to start filming it with my iPhone and I was like, no, that's what's wrong with fucking everything right now. Why can't this moment just happen? And I can't just sit here and watch it rather than viewing it now through my phone screen. You know what I mean? So that happened. And then the last second I was like, you know, hey, they said that, you know, the staff's upstairs drinking and they brought us through the catacombs of the place.

And all of a sudden you walk into like this Sinatra like fucking lounge and they're all drinking. We all come walking and they're like, hey, next thing you know, I'm getting shitfaced again. So needless to say, I'm back to drinking juice, feast of famine right now. So I'm juicing all day today. I'm even going to do yoga like a fucking twinkle toe over there. And I'm going to, I'm going to get my fucking self, I'm going to get knock off the booze wait from this weekend. So anyways, Jesus Christ, have I run my mouth enough? Oh, by the way, is anybody anybody else kind of looking at it's like when the government was going to shut down? I don't know about you guys, but I was terrified. Like, is there going to be anarchy?

Is it going to be people storming my fucking house with torches? Like people hung from, you know, street lights and that type of shit. It's amazing how part of the government shut down and like, unless you work for them, you don't really notice. Why do we need governments? That would be amazing if they just quietly without anybody noticing just stopped having governments. And if nobody knew, everyone would just sort of like still behave themselves. Would that work? Well, how would you pay the cops and all that? I don't fucking know. I guess it wouldn't work.

But I'm amazed at how well it's working with part of the government shut down. And I actually saw some quote, I heard this woman say on the news that the Federal Reserve is trying to help out with the misbehaving government. And that was one of the fucking funniest things I ever heard. All right, and I'm not getting into all that shit. All right, you either know about it or you don't, you either agree with it or you don't, and I'm tired of fucking arguing it. All right, one man thrill ride everybody. Let's get to the the letters for this week. One man thrill ride. Dear Billenstein's monster.

I don't get that one. Is that Frankensteins? Billenstein's monster. Fellow Boston area native and Ric Flair enthusiast. All right, so I love this guy already. You have to check out this video. A guy recorded it before returning to his alma mater to play in the alumni game. It's absolutely electric. There's nothing you can come back with after this.

It's perfect. I wish I could hear Patrice's reaction. Go fuck yourself. Oh, I guess that was a YouTube video. Well, Jesus Christ, what a fucking intro that was. I have to watch this. Do I have to watch it live? Good morning.

The one man thrill ride has arrived to the campus of Fitchburg State University to relive his glory days at the 2013 Fitchburg State baseball university. Oh, I'm not baseball game. I am in the parking lot right now hammering a bacon egg and she hold the key in preparation to go deep with four hits and put on a laser show to the likes of which you have never witnessed in your entire life. All right, I got to watch the rest of this. I know it's going to get better. You got to have the visual of it. This guy's not fucking around. All right, I'm going to watch that.

How do you not love sports? I get it. I get it. I can understand why you don't love it. You know why you don't love it because you sucked at it. But then you're not good at being a superhero either. But how do you get into that? Captain America would totally beat the shit out of the Hulk because he has that little sphere with the star on it.

Advice for young marriage. Dear Bill, I love your stuff. Yada, yada, I'm in a pickle. I married when I was 18 to a 30 year old woman. Get out. Get out immediately. If you're wired like a man, get out. A woman is, has more sophisticated wiring than a man.

So she can be 12 years younger. All right. I don't know if they're more sophisticated, but different things motivate themselves themselves. What am I saying? Motivate them. All right. They're motivated by different things other than, look at the tits on her. All right.

I don't. All right. So when you're 38, she's going to be 50. All right. And you're going to walk into the bedroom. I don't know. That's, that's, uh, maybe I'm not mature enough to do that. Why am I super imposing my shit onto your shit?

Why don't I just read what the fuck you have to say? I'm sorry. That was a real selfish moment there. All right. This guy's in a pickle. I'm married. He says I'm married. I, I married when I was 18 to a 30 year old woman whom I deeply loved.

I didn't get to that point. I'm already telling you leave. I, I'm sorry, sir. Anyways, he goes, I had low self-esteem then. I used to play world of warcraft, be lazy and have a beard. I am 23 now and I still love my life, but my life has changed. I'm fit, clean, shaven and more successful. Therefore women are showing interest in me at last.

My wife is getting older and I still like her in a lot, like her a lot and find her attractive. Attractive, but the age gap coupled with her bad PMS is starting to affect me. Yeah. And that's not going to get better, sir. Like, and she's still young. I already know where I'm going to go with this. My wife is kind, fun. We're not having PMS and a good mother.

Oh, you have kids. Oh, wait a second. When I am around hot 18 to 25 year old women, I feel like I cannot control myself. So far I have controlled myself, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. What do I do? My wife has seen the conflict within me and sympathizes. She sometimes says that I can have some fun with other women if I tell her first. But I don't know if this is true or if, or is a honey trap.

My, I don't know what that means. My wife is honest, but when emotions get in the way, I don't know how she will behave. Do I secretly cheat when I have a good opportunity to get away with it? Do I talk to her about some freedom? Do I leave her before the time bomb and implodes explode? Sorry. Or do I knuckle down and masturbate myself into submission, having lower self-esteem and missing out on fun, but being a better husband?

Oh, dude, I applaud your honesty. Listen, you have to do what's right for you at the end of the day. I don't know if you have those kids, your kids. I don't know, dude. Look, I'm not trying to blame her, but what kind of a 30 year old marries an 18 year old man or woman? All right, you're a fucking kid. She's a woman. She married a fucking child.

I know legally you're a man, but you're not. And that goes the same thing if a guy, a fucking 30 year old man marries an 18 year old. Like, I don't know how that's fucking legal, even though the woman is legal and she is a woman. She's a fucking child compared to a 30 year old. All right. And just the, the mental fucking tennis. Just how much further, those are, that's a huge amount of time in your life. All right.

If you're 50 and your wife's 38 or you're 50, your husband's 38, that's a different thing. Okay. 30 to 18 is huge. I mean, you're talking like she's almost twice your fucking age. 12 year gap. You've only lived 18 years. What is she? Three quarters your age?

Come on, you mathletes. What is that? All right. I don't know what to tell you if you already have kids with this woman. I don't know what the answer is, but if those are her kids, um, you're 23. So you've been married five, she's 35. She still has a chance. She's still young.

She can still go out and meet somebody more around her age. Um, dude, you got married too young. You got married way too fucking young to somebody way too old. That's what I think. That's just what I think, but I don't have the feelings you have for this woman. All right. This is just me on the outside looking at, I am a commitment foe. I am a psycho and I am a piece of shit when it comes to fucking women.

All right. And I've earned that in spades. Believe me. So take what I'm saying at a group with a grain of fucking salt. All right. Um, you're talking about a 45 year old guy who never got married and fucked up every relationship he was ever in. And that's what, that's what you're talking to right here.

Okay. So I just know what I wanted to do when I was 23 years old. And I was also, I mean, like 18 to 23 years old, you're supposed to be out there experiencing being young and, and, uh, and all that has to offer. That's what you're supposed in discovering about yourself. Okay. Now, however, if you married this woman and you had kids with her, you do have a responsibility and that's a whole other can of worms and a can of worms that is not in my life yet.

So I don't know how to advise you on that. All right. You know, there are some things you, you know, some things in life you do miss out on. And sometimes you get this other great thing, but because of that great thing, you, you don't have enough time to enjoy this other thing. So you might be in that situation. You know, if, if you have fucking kids, I would say ask somebody else who has kids, ask somebody else who's in your boat.

But look, if those are her kids and you got married at 18 and she's 30 and now you're 23 and she's 35, um, I'm not, I don't, I don't know what to do that whole fucking, I don't know what to do. Uh, I would say get out. I would say get out. That's what I would say. I guess that's what I am saying, but I, I don't understand whether you have kids yet. I don't know if you have kids with her and I don't know how, how deep is your love for

that woman? How deep is you? I don't know, you know, I don't have enough information on that one, sir. But my gut saying that you should, uh, shove it off the buffalo. I feel, you know what, I feel irresponsible on that one. I don't know that I gave you good advice, sir. I would ask around more. So there's a jump off point, my ignorant thoughts.

All right. Girlfriend wants me to take an STD test. Jesus Christ. That one's coming right out of the gate. Huh? How far are we here? All right. Girlfriend wants me, you know what?

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Back to the podcast. Girlfriend. Lady wants me to take an STD test. Hiya Bill. All right. Right there. I think you're from England. Don't you guys say that over there?

Hiya. So. Oh, by the way, I said Wales, England a year ago, a couple of weeks back. They're separate countries. I never knew. I could never, Scotland, Scotland, its own country. You never, because it's Great Britain. Ireland's fighting you.

It's just fucking confusing and they don't teach us that shit over there. So Scotland, Wales, England, three different countries. There you go. They all share the same island. And for some reason they don't go to war with one another, although I don't think they like each other. And from what I've heard, England, they're the cunts. Wales are allegedly having sex with sheep.

And Scotland, I don't know. They're like barrels. They don't wear shirts and they'll beat the shit. They'll headbutt you. No, headbutting is Australian. I don't know. You don't want to fuck around. You don't want to fuck around in any of those countries.

According to the movies I've watched. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So, Bill, I've been going out with this girl for almost five months. And everything has been great so far. We haven't had sex yet because she's a virgin. Like a virgin. The last couple of times we went out, she wanted to, but we were both drunk and would just fool around and go to sleep.

I'm waiting until she is ready because I honestly do care about her. Well, you're a nice fella. You're not putting any pressure on her. You're taking out your fucking cock and balls there. It's being like, you know, can you help me out over here? What? I mean, what are you here for if you're not going to do all that shit six weeks? You don't want to be that guy.

But the other day, she dropped a bomb on me. She asked me to get tested for STDs before we had sex. All right. Well, that makes sense. If you're going to get into a committed relationship, eventually you want to remove the latex so you can get the whole experience. You want to go on the whole ride. You don't want to stand next to the roller coaster watching it do the loopy loops.

Do you want to be on that fucker? Anyways, I have had sex with seven different girls and I always used to wear a condom and I always scrub my dick after scrubbing your dick after. I don't think that that works. Oh, wait, they tell you to do that, right? I don't know. If something got in you, it's already in you just because you washed the area where if you get bit by a rattlesnake and then you wash the cut, does the poison leave your bloodstream?

Hi, I'm not a doctor and I'm putting out weird fucking information. I should shut the fuck up. Anyway, so he washes his dick afterwards, but not his balls. I've been slapping up against it. She said that I could have an STD that doesn't affect guys, but it affects girls. She's talking about HPV. That's what she's saying. He goes, I said that's bullshit and told her I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Jesus Christ. You were an enlightened man and now you went into the cavemen area and you know what? I'm not judging it because we all do it. You'll be impatient. You weren't pressuring her. You'll be in a goddamn gentleman. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, you took off your top hat and you beat her with the cane. Ah, Jesus, buddy, what did you do that for?

He goes, I don't know what to do. He's like, I don't have an STD, but there's a little fucking voice in my head saying, well, maybe should I say fuck it and do the test or not? Thanks, man. Much appreciated. Love you. Love your show. This is a great deal, sir.

Even if you wear a condom, there's a chance that you could have something. And HPV for the most part does not show up, I guess, in guys for what they say. You don't really notice that you have it, but you can give it to women and causes them all kinds of problems, which of which I forget what it does to them because it doesn't concern me and I'm a selfish cunt. All right. So this is what I would do, sir. I would just go out. If you really give a shit, go out and get tested.

And what's great about getting tested is when it comes back and you got nothing, you can take those. You can take those seven people and clear them off the board like murder cases. You know, if you ever watch the wire, you get to erase them all off and you don't have it. You don't have that, that caseload. All right. You can close those cases. They're not cold cases anymore. You understand what I'm saying?

You've only had sex with seven people. According to you, you always wore a condom and you washed your fucking dick and your balls there. Well, not your balls, just your dick. All right. So I think you got a pretty good chance that you're all right. And if you're only seven in, this is a great time to get tested. All right. Because then what's great is when it comes back and you're negative, you know what you are then?

You're what's known as a red shirt virgin. Okay. You're in your sophomore year, but you haven't taken any hits. If you know what I mean. All right. So then that makes you want to be even more careful. This is what, why don't you do this? Just say, listen, I got emotional because I'm afraid that even though I've been careful,

I am scared that yeah, when you have sex with somebody, even when you wear a condom, you can still catch shit. So tell you what, why don't we both go down and get tested? We'll do it together as a couple. I apologize for acting like a caveman. Will you forgive me? And there you go. Then you both go out, you get tested, you take a route for a little fucking creme brulee or whatever the fuck they like to eat. And then you just sit there waiting.

Here comes the river and open the flop. You fucking win the hand. That's all I can tell you, sir. But you know what? Eventually you're going to have to fucking know one way or another and you're only seven in. This is a great time before you go down that road and you got 30, 40, 50 under your belt. And you just, Jesus Christ, thinking all this shit that you did and you're walking into that office with flop sweat. Okay.

You don't want to do it. All right. I think it's a great thing to go out and get tested. And I think your girlfriend's 100% in the right for asking you to do it. I feel like your behavior afterwards was immature, but understandable. And you need to make things right. All right. Go do your thing.

Man up. Okay. Bully. I can beat up. All right. Well, if there's a bully, you can beat up. He's not really a bully. He's just an asshole.

Right. Hey, Billy boy, I'm 15 year old lad from Australia and here's my problem. There was a complete dickhead at my school that always picks on me, but here's, here's a twist. I could smash the shit out of this prick. I'm 182 centimeters. That's six feet tall, 15 years old, six feet tall. He goes 74 kilograms. That's 160 pounds for you.

People keep and score. And every other day and he's about five eight and weighs about 185 pounds. All right. So he's got, he's got your bike. He's got you by 25 pounds, but you have the reach advantage. This is the tail of the tape here. I love this. You got a four inch reach advantage unless he has those fucking Kevin McHale arms that

are almost dragging on the ground. All right. You go, I lift weights every other day and he's just fat. All right. You're definitely the favorite so far. He goes, but this isn't the biggest reason why I could smash this. I have about 20 years of martial arts experience. Wait a minute.

You're 15 years old. How do you have 20 years of experience? Oh, he's going to break it down. I have about 20 years of martial arts experience when you add it all up. I have seven years in karate, five years in Muay Thai. Oh Jesus dude, you bring those fucking knees to that fat belly. Oh my God. Probably got shins like a fucking street pole.

Um, street pole, stop sign, whatever the fuck I was trying to say. Just I pictured a telephone pole and a stop sign made out of metal. And I came up with street pole. Look at that. I'm inventing words here. Seven years of karate, five years of Muay Thai, five years of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Jesus Christ. Standing up, go to the ground.

What do you want to do in three years of MMA? He constantly calls me name like gay boy and poof. And he slaps me in the back of the head every day. Dude, you can't have that. Uh, this has been happening for like two months now and I haven't fought back because I'm worried about getting in trouble from teachers at my martial arts classes. Any advice is welcome. Uh, thanks for whatever, whatever helps you, whatever help you can give me.

Uh, go fuck yourself and have a good day. All right, sir. So this is the deal. You could, if you actually applied what you know, you could seriously hurt this guy, but you do have to defend yourself. So is there a way that the next time he goes to slap you in the head, you can put him in one of those fucking, those holds where you're just holding the person's thumb and they're all of a sudden on their tiptoes going, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Is there a way to just shoot one across the bow? That's what I'm suggesting. You fuck this kid up and then ruin your standing with, uh, your, uh, your seafoods, your senseis, your, your, your pastors, whatever the fuck you call them down at the dojo. Um, yeah, but there's no reason for you to go to school and get slapped in the back of the head and being called names. Okay. So what I would do is, uh, oh, well, what a fucking asking me.

This is what you do. Jesus Christ. This is your solution. Talk to one of your karate masters there and just say, listen, this is the deal. I know after everything that you've taught me that I could just mop the floor with this fat tub of shit, but I don't want to get in, you know, bad standing with you. What, what do I do here? Have them, have them tell you what to do.

And cause they could probably suggest they know the name or whatever that fucking, how to choke out somebody's thumb, whatever that thing is that you guys do that I wish I knew how to do. Um, but here's the deal. One way or another, uh, there has to be a solution with this guy slapping you. They're slapping you in the back of the fucking head. Um, do you, do you know how to do a death grip yet? Have they taught you that? Is that an actual thing?

Why don't you do a double death grip to his mantits and twist them before he has a chance to slap you in the head? Don't listen to anything that I'm going to suggest here. Uh, why don't you take some Twinkies? What, what could you do with the Twinkie and a martial art thing? Why don't you make some nunchuck Twinkies? And it says, so instead of slapping them in the face with the, with a piece of wood, it's a, it's a Twinkie. And it goes across his face. He's humiliated.

Plus, you know, he's a fatty, so he's going to have to lick it off his face and he'll get into that sugar rush. And his eyes will roll in the back of his head. And by the time his eyes come back down, you're going to be across the room and he can't slap you in the head. I know there's got to be something. There's got to be something to do. Uh, I mean, at this point, if you don't want to go physical, I would just go verbal. I, you know, he's calling you gay boy and poof. I mean, why don't you just talk about his fat tits?

Just add, just be, just be really sincere. Just be like, just out of curiosity, how much do your tits weigh? You know, do you wear a sports bra or are you going to kind of go with the, uh, the giant pocket T? And the fact that you're already this fat at our young age, like how fat do you think you're going to be when you're 40? These are just questions, sir. You know, and then when he charges you like a rhino, just step out of the way and he won't be able to slow down and maybe go flying into some desks. I don't know, sir. But can you please tell me how this, I would, I would go, I would go to your, uh, your dojo masters there, whatever.

I'd ask them what to do, but there's no fucking way on any level that you should have to tolerate that. Um, you know, I would do that. Jesus, are they going to go even really more mature? Well, I think you should talk to your teachers about it and then you become the fucking guy. You know, it's like that. That's like this, uh, solutions they come up to on like the view. You just turn around and you just say, stop doing that. I, I, I'm not going to tolerate this.

You know, give me like a rape whistle or something. I don't fucking know. I don't know, sir, but please let me know how that works out because it's bothering me that that dude is doing that to you. All right. I don't like bullies. Um, Jesus Christ, dude, uh, you know what I really want to tell you to do and I'm not going to. All right. Divorce settlement, uh, divorce settlement cheat.

Uh, dear Mr. Burr, I call you Mr. Burr because I don't know you personally. Please tell me if I'm a piece of shit for doing what I thought was right. I will give you a quick summary. Fell in love with high school sweetheart. Oh, that's tremendous. Got married. Good for you. Rent at a house.

Ten year relationship. Wonderful. Two years of marriage. Cool. No kids. All right. Came home to our town after a weekend with my friends in Austin to change locks to our house. Knocked on the door for an hour.

Cops called on me. Cops say the woman in the house says we are separated but married and I have been bothering her by visiting her. Her rented house too much. Oh my God. When she opened the door, a guy in his boxers and socks came walking down the stairs as the door was opened. I didn't see this coming. Oh my God. I own a couple of pawn shops.

My dad left me. My dad left me with one and then I grew it into multiple locations. I knew the relationship was over but we weren't divorced yet and I didn't want her taking half of my shit. So I sold my company locations to my parents for one dollar for tax reasons. That sounds like a good move. I then bought back the company for full money in my personal account. We've always had separate accounts. Then I sold the company locations back to my parents for a dollar.

I think somehow got demoted from the new owners. Oh you left out a word. I think I somehow got demoted from the new owners from owner area supervisor to pawnbroker which doesn't make much money at all. This took me about three months to arrange. That doesn't make sense dude. Then I sold the company locations back to my parents for a dollar. So you sold it for a dollar, you bought it back and then you sold it again and you bought it back with your own money. I need to be a lawyer to understand this.

And he goes, I think I somehow got demoted from the new owners from owner area supervisor to pawnbroker which doesn't make much money at all. This took me about three months to arrange all this so I acted like I was trying to work it out so that she wouldn't want to divorce yet. Needless to say after it was all said and done she thought that she was going to get a hefty amount of money when I actually think it was a pretty fair split. Do you think I did what I did was fucked up? Also I kind of found a way around the divorce settlement which is an old thing you brought up. But still I'd like your opinion. Okay a loyal fan who says fuck those cunts who follow you for 15 years and give up on you. Oh thank you.

No I think what you did was genius. The way that she went about getting this divorce and calling the cops on you and then that's on your record. She kind of established a playing field. You know what I mean? It's one of those knife to a gun fight things. She established a playing field and you played the game accordingly. I mean I think the fact that you guys both seems like you got married young. Maybe she just didn't know how to break up with you in a more of a mature way. So she kind of broke up with you mentally stayed with you begun another relationship and then just when you went away just dropped the hammer and tried to do a one like a one stop thing.

Locks are gone. He's bugging me. This is the guy I'm fucking see you and you get all that information in 90 seconds. Whatever so then you make sure she doesn't get the pawn shops. I think that's pretty fair and sounds like she's young enough to build up her own empire and with the cold calculated way that she dealt with cutting you out of her life. I think she's going to do great in the corporate world so she'll be fine. So fuck it. You did the right thing. Good for you. Good for you. All right. Wrap up for the show here. All right. That's it. That's it for the podcast by the way. I want to thank everybody who's been listening. The listenership has been steadily climbing up and and everybody who's been coming out to my shows.

I got to tell you I'm having more fun than I've ever had on stage in my life and I really feel like I'm going through this growth period. I've been pushing myself this these things. These few things I've been trying to work on in my act and it's like it's been like a three year process and I feel like I'm pushing through right now. And so I don't know. I feed off the crowds and you guys show up. It's really been helping to push me. So I just wanted to say actually something nice for once on the podcast. So thank you. And I'm off the road here after six weeks in a row on the road. I'm off for the next two, three weeks. So I'm going to be going around LA trying to work on some stuff. Recharge my batteries here. Juice, do some yoga, do some pull ups, climb the rope. Whatever the fuck I'm going to do. Watch some football, watch some hockey and that type of shit. I'm going to chill out here for a few weeks.

And anyways, that's the podcast for this week. My next shows coming up, believe it or not, are not until November. All right. And I got a run of shows coming up for I'm doing DC, New York City, Philadelphia. I don't have the exact dates. These are all on my website. And then I also am going to be doing I'm making up the last bit of the Red State tour dates. I'm doing Deadwood, South Dakota, Tulsa, Oklahoma and Wichita, Kansas. And that's going to be the last of it. So I make those up. Is there anything else I'm doing there? I don't know. All I know is I'm thinking of going to Deadwood a day early. In fact, I know I'm going to go because I want to see some stuff when I'm out there. And then I'm going to leave early the next day before Oklahoma because the Sooners have a game that day. I'm going to try to make it unless the flex schedule makes it an eight o'clock game.

And I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do in Kansas other than I'm not going to say, hey, we're not in Kansas anymore. And look around and have everybody fucking roll their eyes like they haven't seen that 58. I mean, heard it 58 times a fucking day from Taurus. All right, I'm babbling here. That's the end of the show. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Once again, Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit TV shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. You never have to miss a show again with your busy schedule. It's the perfect way to consume television these days or movies, whatever you want to do. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus.

When you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner, or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I will see you guys in DC, New York and Philly in a month. And I'm home for the whole month. I'm psyched. Gonna make another fucking pumpkin pie and shit. Get ready for Halloween. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you later. There's an empty space inside my heart with a weak sting.

So now I set it free. I set it free. Slowly we are far as low as flowers Cause all I want is a month apart and stay Just to see what it is Just to see what it is Can't get it Can't get it Can't get it