Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-8-20

Episode Date: October 8, 2020

Bill rambles about Eddie Van Halen, an old school bar gig, and Eddie Van Halen.

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted.

Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. What's going on, everybody? Oh, Freckles has a busy week.

I'm recording this on Wednesday, so all you Laker fans out there, if you think I'm skirting the issue, that you won number 17. If you did, congratulations. If you didn't, go Miami. That's all I can say. In this new NBA of the last, I don't know, 20-something years,

whatever, I'm just a grumpy old man. You know, I was actually thinking about all of this crap where people just, well, look at how the game isn't played now with this. Oh, yeah, the 10 best people all pile on fucking two teams. It's the most boring shit. It's not as bad as I'm making it out to be, but I will say this in defense of myself.

Remember that Olympic dream team that everybody still blows to this day, right? The Jordan-led dream team. That was the most boring basketball I've ever seen in my life. Other than the clip of when Jordan's team was playing Magic Johnson's team during practice, that was the dream game.

But watching, you know, fucking guys, all of those guys playing against Ethiopia and winning by 126 points, it was like watching the jocks play the math team. You know, I don't want to watch Vince Carter jump over some fucking nerd. I mean, how long can you walk? I don't know.

I'm not into that shit. So, but that is how the game is played and the Boston Celtics play it too. So it's all fair, right? We bought one in 2008. They're better at buying one. So go on them if they want it. If they didn't, go Miami.

That's all I can say. All right, plowing ahead here. The real thing that I want to talk about is the passing of Eddie Van Halen. The just, I don't know. There's no words. I don't know what to say. I really don't, but I'm going to try here.

I always remember when I was in high school and some of the teachers I had who were teenagers when the Beatles came out. And, you know, even if you told them, yeah, you know, I like the Beatles and everything. It's like, no, no, you don't get it. There's no way to, you had to be there to understand what it was like when they came out,

how exciting it was when their next record came out and how much they changed pop music and all of that type of stuff. And that is a really true statement because the longer time goes by when the giants come through, you know, since their debut, the more people take from what they did and it waters down, you know,

the impact of what they had initially. Cause I will tell you this, obviously I'm not old enough for the Beatles, but I will tell you that the first time I heard Van Halen 1, their first album, there was a family down the street. Like we were all into AC DC, but there was a family down the street from us

that were into, it was two of them. Well, kind of like our family, big families, five boys. And then there was another one that had like three, four boys and a bunch of sisters and stuff, just big families. And so the brothers were a little bit older so they were hip to the music that was coming out cause I was still like in like, I don't know,

third, fourth grade. But the first time I heard that fucking album, it was like nothing I had ever heard before in my life. It was, I was telling Dean Delray, it was like the record was like, I was surprised the record wasn't on fire. It was just this sound I had never heard in my life. It made the hair on my arm just stand up.

And what was so cool about back then was there was no video, there was nothing, you just had the record and you just staring at the record, like what is that? How does somebody make that sound? Is that more than one guitar? What is going on here? And I always feel like people that are that far ahead

of that time, inevitably they're just misunderstood when people then try to replicate or try to figure out what it is that they're doing. And I feel like he was unbelievably like misinterpreted where people finally figured out his tapping technique and then the way they applied it, they didn't have his gift and it would just be sort of, take a solo and play nine million notes

where if you listen to Eddie's, just his phrasing that the fucking ride the guy took you on, he had the ability to play 90 million miles an hour. And but just because you can do that doesn't, if you do it all the time, or for too long of a time, it loses its effect. So the way he would like pull it back and then at the precise moment just unleash that fury

and then he could go and then take it back down again, go into like this melodic thing, it's just the fucking ride that that guy could take you on in two, three. I mean, the eruption was like barely two minutes long all the way up to like he could write a music score, six, seven minutes long. Just I'm so thankful that I got to see him in concert.

I saw him, I missed those guys the first time around. So when they got back together with David Lee, I got to see them with Eddie's son Wolfgang on bass. I saw him at the Staples Center and my favorite part of the show, other than that Dave was back with them, was there was an instrument when Eddie took his solo and it was Eddie and Alex.

And I was just sitting there like, I don't know, I couldn't believe how good they still work because I don't know, people just have it in your head where you get older, you lose the fire or the passion or you slow down or whatever. They were fucking unbelievable. And then it finally just dawned on me that like, wait a minute, these guys have been jamming,

these are brothers, they have been jamming and writing and interacting with each other musically at that point for close to 50 years. And it's weird, I don't remember what they played. I just remember sitting, I was to the right side of the stage up a little bit, just sitting there my mind fucking just going, they still, they're actually better than they were in the 80s.

So I don't, it's a huge, huge loss to my generation and all that and all young people who don't know who he is, I highly recommend starting with Van Halen one and just working your way through. And my condolences to, you know, obviously this whole family and you know, it just sucks, man, this whole fucking getting old thing and all that. So there goes another one, holy shit.

Last fucking 10 years, I think of some of the people that went, a lot of whom I never saw because I don't know, I went to a lot of sports and metal shit. Like I saw David Lee Roth's band with Steve Vai, Greg Bissonette and Billy Sheen. And I did see that, the Edamon Smile tour. I wish I went to more concerts,

but yeah, I didn't have the fucking money. I would have gone to more if I could have, but I'm thankful for the ones that I saw, the legends I saw, I got to see Eddie Van Halen, I got to see Malcolm Young, I got to see Stevie Ray Vaughn. I mean, those are three big ones, but you know, and I highly recommend just, even if you didn't get to see him in whatever,

when they were younger, you should go see him when they're older, because they're still doing it. And like, unless they've just completely fallen off and fucking, then it's sad, you don't wanna see that shit, but like, you know, I'm still kicking myself. I remember Prince came to the forum and did like fucking 20 shows, and I didn't go see one of them.

I was just on the road and I was wiped out and I just assumed that he was gonna be around again. David Bowie, I never saw all of these people, so I am just so thankful that I just got to see a guy that just turned the guitar fucking upside down. He was like, literally was like an alien. And I don't know, like I, to this day, I just feel like, you know, like Alex Van Halen,

I still, I'm waiting for him to get his dues, how great a drummer he was, like his brother just cast such an incredible shadow, and just how humble Alex must be that he was cool with all of that. And he just didn't, like, I gotta tell you something, that, I was talking to my buddy the other day about, oh, yesterday, when this whole thing went down

when I was talking about, we were just talking about, you know, Vinny and Dimebag, and then now, you know, Eddie and Alex, and just that brother-bond drummer and lead guitarist type of thing. And we were just talking about how, you know, the drum parts Vinny Paul came up with, and the stuff that Alex Van Halen came up with. And I remember I actually got to meet

and get to know Vinny a little bit. He was such a nice guy when I did the rich, the rich bitch tour with the late great Charlie Murphy, Don L. Rawlings, and he came out, and he just was such a nice guy, and he answered all of my questions. And I remember, I asked him, I said, who did you listen to and everything?

And he brought up Alex Van Halen. Obviously, his brother, Dime, was a huge Eddie fan, you know, obviously. So, I imagine Vinny was too, but like, that he brought up Alex Van Halen, I was like, I love this guy, because like, I just always feel like, you know, when you talk Van Halen, it was about

Eddie's playing in Dave's frontman skills. But the song that always just blew me away was Mean Streets. And that was yet another one when that thing came out, it was just like, what the fuck is that guitar part? What is he doing? How does he do that? I remember like, like fucking seven years later,

I was living in North Carolina for like a year, and I was working at this restaurant, and was this really cool dude, Jason was his name, worked at this defunct fucking restaurant, the Sable Cafe in Cary, North Carolina. We worked in this, it was fucking hilarious. I get so many fucking stories about that place, man. Just the coolest, funniest, craziest fucking people.

I mean, it's the restaurant business. I don't care how elegant it is out in the fucking room, you got no idea what's going on in the kitchen. Just say people were feeling good. You know, I don't know if I ever told this fucking story. All right, so part of my job was I had to fucking mop the floor in the beginning. It was, I might have told this before in the podcast,

but this is just one of my favorite, just fucking random stories. I was, I actually told it yesterday to somebody, just fresh in my head, I guess. So they had this oyster box, just fresh in my head, I guess. So they had this oyster bar. It was one of these restaurants.

It was like in a, I don't know what Cary's like now, but it was like, it was an up and coming sort of suburb, and they built this five-star fucking restaurant and put all of this money into it. I mean, it was just hemorrhaging cash from, they needed to be sold out from day one, which is one of the toughest things to do in any business, forget about a fucking restaurant.

But that's what they did. So they had this oyster bar, and it had the black and white tiles, like the, an improv or something back in the day. And so every night, every morning I would come in there and just those black and white tiles would get so fucking filthy from people spilling drinks and food and the dirt on the bottom of the shoes.

It just looked horrible. And I would come in there and I have to pull all the chairs out and I don't know, I'm a fucking lunatic. Like, I don't, I always just had like, I got into it. It's like, I'm going to fucking have this thing like shining. Fuck it. If I got to do this, I'm going to do it, right? My parents taught me that.

So I'm fucking doing this shit. And then I'd get, it was like a horse shape shoot, shape bar. It start to the left and I would work my way around and then the dreaded part, when I get to the other side, I kind of have to leave it. I would wait to do the last part until the end because people would come in and they would be walking

into the kitchen as they were showing up to work. So I would mop up three quarters of that. And then the worst part is I had to go into the bathroom because now I had to go do the bathrooms and the fucking bathrooms, the shit that went on there, I no pun intended. I will tell you the woman's bathroom. I don't even, I don't know what the fuck they did in there,

but it was like they had a ticker tape parade with toilet paper and then they eliminated on it. Lipstick and just fucking, it was literally like a bunch of rodeo clowns through shit at each other. It was makeup and just, I don't know what, blood. I mean, it was a fucking crime scene in this. So I do that one last. So I go into the men's room and I'm going in there

and I mop up and my boss is in there. And when I tell you just fucking rousing into this, he's got the water going and he's brushing his teeth and he's just, and after each time, he would continue to brush his teeth and then for another few seconds and then just go in the sink. And I was just literally standing in the door trying to process what I was seeing.

And then he was done. I mean, it's this whole thing went down in like fucking eight long seconds. It was like two to three massive like, were you possessed by the devil fucking yaks into the sink while the water's running and he's brushing his teeth between each one of them, not looking at me. And then when he's done, he just turns around and he says to me,

oh yeah, you know, just sometimes I gag when I brush my teeth. It is how dumb I was. I fucking believed him. I, it wasn't until like, I don't know, like eight, nine, 10 years later, I thought about it again. I was like, no, he was fucking hungover. He was hungover. He just started to brush his teeth

and whatever he did the night before was coming out. Or I don't know, I mean, am I really supposed to believe that what are you jamming the whole fucking tooth? You deep-froten it like a porn star? I don't know. So anyway, this is a long story gets me back to fucking mean streets. So then I would finish that area in there and the place was slowly going out of business.

And as it went out of business, I've told these stories before. I went from being the bus boys slash mop things up to bus boys slash mop shit up slash dishwasher slash grill shift. I ended up doing like three of the fucking jobs and they just kept bumping me up like 50 cents, 75 cents an hour. And I should have been like, well, wait a minute, you were paying me six in a quarter to do this and you were paying that guy seven bucks to do the grill.

If I'm doing both, I should not be making 13, 25 an hour, right? I was just happy to get so fucking bad with money. I was so fucking bad with money. I was doing three jobs. I was a bus boy, a dishwasher. I was also mopping up the fuck am I mopping up for? That's the cleaning company. It's not my job, right?

Well, maybe it is. I'll give them that one. And then the grill, I should have been getting pulling three fucking checks. They just kept giving me fucking quarters. And I was like, oh, wow. I do this for another six months. I can buy a symbol. Maybe even a Zildjian.

So I got to know the Metallica dude, Jason, right? And his brother played guitar and they hung out. All of them were like fucking full on metalheads, long hair, the whole fucking thing, ripped jeans, the whole eighties look. And I went over his house one day hanging out and a bunch of them were over there playing guitar. And they could really, these kids could really fucking play in one of them. Remember, he had the bleach blonde hair and he sat down and played the beginning

of Main Street and it just fucking blew my mind. Like, how did you figure that out? That's all I was thinking. I didn't want to say anything. So like most people, this is before I even started playing drums. So like most people, so I guess I wouldn't have been thinking that I would buy a symbol. I don't know what I was thinking. But whatever.

But about a year later, because watching them and then I came back to Boston areas that are working in a warehouse and I was playing, I was working with all these musicians and shit. I got into playing drums. That's how it all started. So, and then that began my first listening of Van Halen, then listening to Alex. Like the first 9,000 passes through, I was just listening to Eddie and wishing, you know, fantasizing that I was Eddie, you know, the shit, like I was playing

this in front of my fifth grade class, you know, the dumb shit you do, right? And then I started playing drums and that's when it's so crazy. I went back and re-listened to all of these albums and I discovered the genius of guys like everyone from Phil Rudd all the way, you know, to Alex Van Halen. And what Alex plays on that, if you put it on, that offbeat thing that he's doing on the bass drum and how he just does it. He, and like he crash, I think- I think-

I think he crashes on the end. And then it's just- It's boom. The whole fucking song until he goes and until he does a little Phil and then this is home and then he's on one and that's boom boom boom don't go don't

don't don't go don't go. I don't know how the fuck he does that. And stays on time and then also makes it groove as hard as it does like those two guys But the passing of Eddie the fact that those two, like their body of work just the two of them forget about Michael Anthony in there, David Lee Sammy and everybody who's been in that band it's just

Yeah, it's an absolute end of a true giant and just looking at it like the people that just a wide variety of people everybody from comedians, all genres of music, country, everything and you know those country players like I swear to God some of those guys like way back in the day when I used to watch like Roy Clark there's no fucking way a guy like Eddie looks at Roy Clark and doesn't see like that those guys you know bluegrass guys those guys could still can't shred so there's I that's so cool to me that there's that mutual respect

and then one of my favorite other favorite guitarists of all time Jeff Beck I read a quote now this is the internet so you don't know the internet is not the library the library actually puts shit in fiction and nonfiction right the internet everything is put in nonfiction so allegedly I read this quote that's just some random person put up that Jeff Beck allegedly said I want to thank Eddie Van Halen for reinventing the guitar which is you know as high a compliment as you can I think just as far as the

musicianship of Jeff Beck so just as a fan and a hack drum I just like to thank Eddie for all of that unbelievable beautiful face melting music that he put out for so long and was literally like this it got me through so just so much shit it just always puts you in a good mood as you were growing up no matter what you were going through those bands you know you got your bands and that was that was one of mine so rest in peace man that's a you're not going to see another guy like that I mean there'll be another great one but the greats are always unique so

rest in peace Eddie Van Halen alright so with that all freckles I got to go to work here I don't have my arbitrage yet I've been having a great time in New York here working out these sets I actually feel like I'm getting stronger as a comic I was talking to a couple of young bucks last night comedians and buckets whatever you call and I was just saying like at first I was really frustrated

trying to work out my stuff for this gig that I was doing it in front of eight people on a rooftop or out on a sidewalk and blah blah blah and then it's actually it's taking me back to the earliest parts of my career where I would be psyched to have a gig and I would do gigs like that for free and it's so funny it's like the gigs you get when you first start as a comedian you you almost need to be a master to actually make it work because the situations you're put in are so impossible it's like from day one you are thrown into places where you need seven to eight years experience

just to emotionally handle the humiliation that you're about ready to put yourself through and but what happens is with each one of them you know with that graduation class of open micers that you come up with you guys lean on each other and you start telling stories about bombing how embarrassed you were and how dry your mouth got and those are the things that keeps you going and then I guess that point where you start to get in better gigs and you know how to write jokes and then now that you have jokes you got some ammunition

you go in there and you learn how to get these people to listen you learn how to not get affected by a trickle of laughter and to try to turn that trickle into a little stream and then try to build it and build it and build it and then you get those skills and then you get your experience and you combine the two and that's when you start getting good then what happens is when you get to a certain level

and you start selling tickets it goes from going on stage and having to get the crowd to now the only thing you have to worry about is losing them because they came, they paid to see you, they want to see you they're on your side as you're walking to the stage so during that period I've always felt that you get a little bit weaker because it's easier in that you already have them but there's also a new pressure where they have expectations

so there's always something new that you have to kind of push through but anyway, this pandemic has now brought me back to those types of gigs and when I tell you I was fucking eating my balls here Thursday, Friday, Saturday this week, end of Sunday and I was just in full panic attack like, oh my god, he's fucking New York crowd I was actually blaming the crowds in New York that's a classic thing to do as a comedian if you don't want to get better it's their fault, it's not me, everything I'm doing is perfect

I just had to remember to have fun and just not let that little trickle bug me so all of a sudden then Sunday night I went up and I actually just had fun and all of a sudden the whole thing just clicked and started killing with it so I was very excited about that and I don't know, that's just basically what I've been doing I'm trying to get this fucking thing together here for this gig so that is it, looking forward to maybe if I get a chance

if I'm not too busy watching Thursday night football this is the first rematch of Tom Brady and Nick Foles both on new teams, Tom Brady of course on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Nick Foles is on the Bears via the Jacksonville Jaguars and you know people are actually giving this guy shit like what do you have to do and how often do you have to do it before people respect you I mean people are like good three weeks oh what you mean when the fucking Super Bowl

did you ever have three weeks like that, there fuck oh alright that's it that's it, rest in peace Eddie Van Halen that's it, that's all I got to say man what an absolute genius and thank you for sharing your gifts with everybody alright, the advertising everybody, alright, Candid Company you know all the things we love to do for ourselves

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please enjoy the music picked out by the one always wonderful Andrew Thamelis and then we have a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon our greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a year ago ten years ago I don't know how it works I don't even think I've been doing Thursdays for ten years who knows Andrew knows

all right God bless you have a great weekend all right I'll talk to you guys on Monday music music oh my God look at you you're flush you just don't look like you're yourself right now you're scaring me

here go in the bedroom no just go in the bedroom just lay down drink plenty of fluids I don't know if you guys I like me but I fucking hate that shit when you get sick and then somebody tells you just got to shut it down

and then you just have to go in there and fucking lay there bored out of your fucking mind it's like why can't I be sick doing shit I have to lay here or just be like I'm fucking sick while you come in here bringing me cups of tea see that's your problem I just want to help you and you won't let me do it

as you can tell echo I'm back in New York in my apartment apartment and if elected there will be no more common cold as long as you have the money to pay for the cure if you are below the line

go fuck yourself you didn't buy a $5,000 plate to donate to my campaign I'm fucking spent I feel like shit I thought I was going to cough again then those coughs would be like the backup dancer to what the fuck I was saying

I finally get sick man I'm fucking in the middle of a seven week tour of five weeks in the shit finally hit the fan when I was out there in Cincinnati I don't know what happened you know what it was it's just global warming

it's fucking with me it's just everybody it's summertime not even well and you know what I'm saying and then bam it just becomes like deep in the fall so I fucking show up in Cincinnati after looking at the forecast

I show up out there with like a windbreaker and just the first night I got this fucking I have no jacket on I'm tired from my fucking ninth flight of the fucking month and it was raining out

and then that was it what else Bill what else dumb thing did you do did you take any vitamin C I don't even know if that works what did you take what did you do nothing I didn't take anything I shook hands and then fucking rubbed my nose with the hand I shook everybody's hand with

and then that was it I was fucking sick fucking sick so I get to New York City no that's not even what I do so fucking Verzi dude I called it Verzi fucking tells me to get that that airborne you know take the shit that everybody else

is taking you know throw the exact same punch that this fucking virus has seen over the last fucking you know whatever five years you think you can't see that coming at this point oh the old airborne the old triple lindy

23 skidoo fucking slips that and then punches me right in the face go fuck yourself you're sick for three days so that's the deal alright so so what do I do I get here to New York this this podcast is going to suck

by the way so I warned you four minutes and 11 seconds in alright so it's your fault if you don't fucking tap out you're probably going to keep listening aren't you you sadistic sons of bitches so I go out and I'm like alright I want to sleep

I want to sleep tonight and just fucking try to get ahead of this goddamn thing so I go to the goddamn what is it the CVS the Dwayne read whatever the fuck it is right aid I don't know what part of the country I mean well I know a part of the country but I forget what they have

so anyways I fucking go in there and I'm looking for the Alka Seltzer cold and fucking flu bullshit right and I just start reading this stuff on the back and it basically says if you take this four times in one day you're going to do major

irreparable damage to your liver you understand how fucked up that is okay four times it just takes four doses of this shit and I'll do major irreparable damage to my liver why the fuck would I even take it once

you know what I mean that's like having a gun instead of holding it to your head you shoot your foot why the fuck would you do that so I was like fuck that fuck that Alka Seltzer I'm going to tough it out and then I push it up and I got some fucking Nyquil but even then I read this one and this one

it's some fucking long ass word it begins with an A and it has like 17 consonants in a row like a fucking Russian hockey players last name czy this is the first fucking three letters of their weird ass names

and it all says that it does fucking liver damage so I'm sitting here old school toughin' this out like a fucking quaker you know they do that shit out there in Pennsylvania that kid gets an appendicitis and they're like well why would we just go to the fucking witch doctors

when they know how to fucking handle it we'll just sit here and go ooooh leego boogity boogity boogity and fucking hold our hands over rubbing our hands together you know like you're in karate kid and then the kid fucking dies that's what I'm saying I'm trying to be the first adult who dies of the common cold

and it'll be my silent protest to the fucking whatever ah Jesus hang on oh left handed from across the room right in the fucking bucket so anyways this is the podcast for this week I got a huge I got a huge week

bunch of promo stuff my special came out last week for download five dollars a whack and pretty much there was I would say 99% success rate with people downloading it I want to thank everybody that's been

downloading it please tell your friends to continue it's a nice steady stream it was like one percent of people had difficulties their computers or the thing who knows what and they were all very nice there was only a couple county emails where I had to get up and walk around

here's one if you had a problem and you want customer service it's probably not good to start your email off with seriously seriously like I give you five dollars and then like I seriously ah what a fucking

cunt I had somebody else go right I love how like nobody ever thinks hey maybe it's me maybe it's my computer like what I'm telling you 99% of the people are getting a special without a fucking glitch okay and I have empathy for people who go to download something that doesn't

work out that happens to me every time alright but I know that I suck at all things computers okay but I had a computer whiz set this motherfucker up okay so this one guy hits me with like he was just so convinced that no

one was going to respond to him that he just went fucking all in and evidently he came up with this theory that I was basically not giving anybody the special and I was using it five dollars each to just buy a new roof that's what I was going to do I was

going to fuck everybody over completely like napalm the little fan base that I have just you know for this short run to get a new fucking roof you know it'd be one thing if I was sending out hard copies this is just a fucking digital thing

you know I don't have to keep pressing a bunch of them to get access to it when you download you know I don't know why the fuck would I do that so I just wrote the dude back I was just like listen just a glitch you know we'll make sure you get the special if you'd like a refund I'll you know

send me your address I'll send you a check the fuck is wrong with you it even is was funny it was a dude wrote seriously seriously like I have to like download this too to like watch this seriously

ah oh and then the other cunt there was like three cunts this week I don't like a couple thousand people there was only three cunts another one fucking wrote tried said you know this is the fourth time I fucking emailed

you which was a total goddamn lie or they don't know how to send a fucking email because I was like you know I don't know what the word is I was going to say religiously or fucking whatever I was making sure because I want to fuck anybody over all I got is my balls in my word

and I know break up for nobody so I fucking searched the kids thing he told me he wrote four times we nice to have some sort of human response blah blah blah blah and then I just wrote back this is the first email I've got from you I'll gladly

give you your money back what's your address and I haven't heard back from him seriously go fuck yourselves um so anyways what else do I got oh I didn't announce this last week because I'm a moron I'm in the middle

of this this tour I'm going to be I started a podcast network um and with Al Madrigal from minivan men and a number of other people who don't have podcasts so you won't know who the hell they are but

it's called allthingscomedy.com you should check it out we got a bunch of we got I don't know we got like eight to ten cool podcasts on there and um you know it's kind of how do I explain you know what it's just sort of it's one for

podcasters if that makes fucking sense what's happening is these podcasts are doing really well and now the business man's coming in and he's just rounding them all up and then hey come on to my network okay here's the deal they have fucking Johnny Bravo I'll own your podcast you suck

a dick and do your show every week and in the end I'll make the millions and you can go fuck yourself it's the typical behind the music contract to me and uh Mr. Madrigal like well why don't we just create a co-op everybody comes in we band together and the strength of numbers

everybody owns their podcast no funny shit you know whatever listeners you bring in that's how much money you make alright no funny business no hidden hand no rabbit in the hat none of that bullshit okay

we're out of our fucking minds we created a completely fair business model for all parties involved it's called all things comedy so if you guys would like to check it out um of course I don't have any internet so I can't I'm trying to remember we got

uh we got uh uh walking the room we have Ari Shafirs uh we have your mom's house you guys probably are listening to some of these what else do we got come on Bill Harlan's highway Harlan Williams it's great go check it out go check it out uh mini van men

the Monday morning podcast it's an eclectic mix of podcasts and everybody still owns their podcast nobody's getting fucked over that's a crazy thing that's not even just show business just business in general what I find is whenever I get in business

with somebody it's always like okay we're getting in business together all the receipts and money will go to me and then I'll tell you how much we made that's what they always say to me alright let's do this because this is gonna be a great

collaboration okay you just sit over there and don't you worry all monies will come into me and I'll tell you how much we made go fuck yourself every time that's what it's like to play a comedy club you know I don't have many people sit in the fucking room I have somebody standing back there

with a clicker I don't have time for that shit I just do a guarantee pay me this and I will dance like a monkey all weekend alright that's it and then you can do whatever boss hog shit you want to do sticking fucking extra chairs in having a VIP section

or whatever the fuck else you want to do oh Bill's in a cunty mood did you guys watch any of the NFL football yesterday um I've been missing out on a lot of football because I've been on the road and I've been actually going to games I went to uh

I went to the Bengals game or the Bengals as Paul Verzi calls it like he says the same thing as the girl group the Bengals I went there and what a great fucking stadium that is underrated the Cincinnati Bengals stadium

I don't even think I got the name of it it's probably because I was drinking Jameson on a fucking river boat at 10 in the morning it's probably why um fucking came walking up and I said security guy where's the will call he's like oh

you're really far away from that and I go great well which direction is it in you fucking idiot um other than that it was a great experience uh really really great stadium really intimate like uh crowds on top

of it and um for some reason this Bengals fan in front of me convinced me to start heckling the Dolphins kicker who has a highlighted mullet a mullet with highlights in it I guess is a better way to describe it and uh there was a kid behind me

so I never cursed and I was just I was just sitting there shredding my voice for nothing I didn't have any money on the game I don't give a I didn't want to see the Dolphins win just because Patriots are in the AFC but um so this is kind of a

fucked up subject um what's the deal with pink every fucking year is this like forever now every October for an entire month everybody in the NFL is gonna dress up like Barbie fun time

summer dance fucking uh Winnebago thing I don't know what the pinkie tuscadero or what the what I mean this is the thing this is it's over this this is something that you cannot fucking reverse

if you're gonna wear pink for four weeks alright to to raise awareness for breast cancer there's no way somebody can come and be like hey how about just three weeks you know you can't because it's gonna be like you don't care about people suffering

from breast cancer you know I this is there's no fucking way to criticize this without coming off like a cold hearted son of a bitch but that's not gonna stop me from trying am I the only one who finds it like just a little intrusive

that it's that long that it's just it's it's a month out of a four month season and it's not like they just have a little bow there they're just fucking decked out in the shit it's

like who got caught fucking who and this is what they had to do to make up for or is this just like a business move by the NFL where they're sitting there going like alright we can get a lot of ladies watching if we show that we care

about you know this as much as we do you know so this is my solution or my suggestion can we at least tone it down can we just start with the pink half whistle does he really have to stick that thing in his

mouth and go tweet tweet um I don't do it you know what it is it's all part of this fucking slow slide away from everything that made this country great nerds and ladies

are fucking I'm not saying they're running shit but they're definitely doing the decorating you know what I mean there in the driver's seat they're dictating what the fuck we're watching oh I'm fucking going full on conspiracy theory here I just

you know the guys guy is is dead dead in the water if there's gonna be a guys guy on tv he has to be mocked you know what I mean it has to be done in like that office kind of way will you just

fucking you know he's confident but it's he's praying an underlying insecurity now maybe he's just confident maybe he was just one of those guys who got laid in the fifth grade because he just had the fucking gift the same way Jordan had the gift

to play hoop you know maybe he's just that guy maybe he's that guy that all the ladies want to bang they want to touch his fucking fang but they don't want to touch yours

right and then what so then you write the fucking script and then you make him out to be a douche you know what I for one don't buy into it how about you wear it one week who isn't aware of fucking breast cancer at this point

who isn't aware of it anybody you know what I think the NFL because they're such good businessmen I think what they're doing is they're actually you know not enough women are buying jerseys so they just are modeling pink ones for the entire month acting like they give a shit about

finding a cure to this disease so that women will go out oh my god I like the pink powder puff Dallas Cowboy Tony Robo one oh I have a pair of socks that would go with it so nicely you know it's fucking football man

is it like illegal to be a guy now can you just it's like it's just mocked if you want something to be fucking hardcore guy like full-on fucking testosterone like for some reason it's just it's just it's considered

I would say borderline offensive can you picture Ken Stabler wearing pink the steel curtain wearing pink the doomsday defense the purple people leaders the fucking orange crush the over hill gang

how many defenses do I gotta bring up wearing pink they wouldn't have wore pink they would have said we're not wearing that sweetheart they would have slapped you on your Mary Tyler more ass and sent you out of the locker room as they dropped their towels that was the NFL I grew up with I don't recognize this NFL

alright if anybody running you should just give them those socks that have that little ball on the back of the ankle you know why don't we have where and we haven't wear dresses all through November for like you know a sweatshop labor

awareness you know it would be fucking hilarious not really in an ironic sense is if those pink breast cancer awareness jerseys and all that shit at some point along the manufacturing thing

are sewn together by some child at four in the morning in like the Philippines you know what I mean oh the level of irony in that wouldn't that be hilarious well I think it would be alright I'm kind of handicapped this week here because

I can't find you know this fucking internet doesn't work in this goddamn place oh here's the deal by the way if you're downloading my special first of all thank you so much and thank you for everybody who did it I really really really appreciate it

it's fucking awesome that you guys support my specials like that and you come out to see me you know like Saturday night go bananas the Cincinnati Reds are in the playoffs and people still showed up and they just taped the game

that does not go unnoticed even by an arrogant jackass like myself alright so I gotta let you guys know that if you didn't receive the download link to when you email me when you go seriously I gave you five dollars seriously just make sure that you

include your PayPal receipt number and and put special download in the subject line just make it easier for me to sift through them so that you know I can do right by you you spent five bucks goddamn it you should get what the fuck you paid for

correct well alright then alright let's do some advertising for this week if I can find it scrolling down with my thumb what the hell is it come on you fucking prick who says prick how old am I

come on yet why you oughta why you oughta why I oughta what the hell is it is it really easier can somebody please explain to me how it's easier how these fucking goddamn fucking iPhone

cunt motherfuckers alright here we go search what happens do I open an email and then my fucking cheek somehow like deletes it there it is alright sorry okay here we go

this fucking 20 seconds of your life you'll never get back alright Evoise everybody if you're looking if you need help looking more professional or being more efficient you should check out Evoise I personally received some ridiculously

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um you can transcribe your voicemails to text or email basically e-voice makes your life easier and makes a small business owner look much bigger go to www.evoice.com and get a free six months trial of e-voice you got to do it

alright and once you get your damn business going then what do you got to do you know it's coming stamps.com everybody huh how many times I got to read to you and tell you how awesome this is I use this thing every damn week when I'm sending on my DVDs if you would like to never have to go to the post office

again to be able to have the ability to print legal stamps and postage in the safety of your own apartment home dwelling tent city wherever the hell you're at please visit stamps.com um

you would think that I would have this memorize where the hell are we doing here um I'm the worst what else you get a scale I don't know what else to tell you it's perfect you don't have to go to the post office anymore you don't have to wait in line you have to deal with that grumpy attitude

so you got to post office within your own goddamn apartment alright stamps.com do it live it love it give me feedback alright that's it back to the podcast so so here we are 20 minutes in

I'm dying of the of a fucking common cold hey do you know I was on a plane yes well what else what else is known I was on a fucking plane and somebody brought two pit bulls on the plane on like in like just both the dogs were unleashes

I didn't know you could do that shit the guy got on first and uh he just walked these two fucking beautiful dogs on and I was praying to god he was sitting next to me that's how much I'm sold on that breed as much as everybody

everybody was making that fucking pit bull jokes it's really like dog racism you know what I mean grab your purse there's a pit bull but I'm not going to lie to you they are scary looking dogs they really are they do they

they can be until you get one and then when you see once you have a fucking pit bull every time you see one all you want to do is just go up and pet the dog and squeeze its fucking thighs those fucking full back thighs of this shit um so anyways

so I went to the bang the bangles game with paul versey that was uh franchise number 30 I got two more to see the saints in tampa bay I'm going to see a saints game in november and then I guess I'll knock out tampa bay next year

and then what do I do I've been to every fucking football stadium every baseball stadium I'm going to have to start going to college and then what Jesus then I go to all the big college ones and then when I wipe those out at that point I'll probably be in my 70s

and then I'll just be some creepy comedian hanging out at high school football games oh god do you think you're even going to make it that far you ever think of whether that shit are you even going to make it that far the fact that it's like 80 degrees right up until like october 5th

it has to do with human beings I have no fucking idea you know from what I've heard there's been periods of cooling and warming up all throughout history but all I know is that the shit the shit be changing and that there's too many fucking people

I don't know see this is the thing man this is why I don't know I should have got marionette kids I gotta I gotta fucking lock this shit down I gotta get marionette kids that's the deal I should be just sitting there focusing on what kind of stuff is in these fruit loops should we be like feeding them

this stuff you know meanwhile there's some fucking black fans sitting out front I don't even notice it that's exactly what they want that's what they want you know what that's the podcast for this week I'm not fucking I can't do this shit I don't even fucking internet

I can't fucking breathe who's a whiny cunt this week hang on I gotta hit pause hold on I gotta fucking blow my nose alright I'm back okay here we go this is fucking worst what the fuck did I just take the goddamn vitamins

instead of being an asshole hey you know we actually have a follow up we actually have a follow up thing here for the that dude remember that dude a few weeks ago who had that chick start to rumor that he was into the weird porn even though it was she who was into the weird shit remember that

for those of you who didn't listen a few weeks back this guy he's hooking up with this lady and she says hey why don't you come over we can watch some porno so he's all excited you know and he decides to let her pick the porno which is a very smart move

he knows if you pick something too weird you could fuck the whole evening up so let her pick her like romance porno you know that shot with like soft lighting you know that awful porn that some women watch so that's what he's expecting and she put on some sort of cartoon

where this chick was getting like fucking you know raped by a cyclops or something I don't know I can't remember what the fuck it was so he flipped out broke up with her and what does this girl do rather than going and get some therapy or just being okay with the freak that she is

she goes around the school and starts telling everybody that it was he who did that fucking with his reputation so he said what should I do and I said this is what you do I said you fucking bring her over you act like you're getting back together with her

and you just sort of record in the background and ask her why she told everybody that that he was the one that picked out the porn when in fact it was actually her and then you got it and then you don't get back together with her and you say listen Pope of Greenwich Village right I got a fucking tape

tape that I took off a fucking dead cop you pull that bullshit well he did his version of it alright and here's what he did okay Bill thanks for your advice I took I took your advice up a level oh I took your advice up a level I pretended to get back together with her

and was able to convince her I had an open mind we made it back to her place and I convinced her to go back on the computer and get another cartoon porno now this is how you know that this girl is fucking nuts is the fact that she absolutely

destroyed this guy's reputation and then when he goes no no I get it now can we just get back together and she's just like yeah let's just get back together there's no oh my god I can't believe what I did I've ruined you you know why would you even want to get

back together with me after what I did to you there's none of that she's just like okay things are back to normal psycho um so anyways I convinced her her to go back on the computer and get another cartoon porno I was standing behind

her and took a picture of her on the on her computer I had to sit through the video and got a blow job I then went home and printed off the picture and posted it in her classroom

I was then god Jesus dude I was then called into the principal principal's office he was a dude and was very sympathetic the only reason I was called in was because an old lady teacher reported me the principal just shrugged

and claimed I was being bullied and was just trying to clear my name I acted like I was the victim and he ate it up I was about to turn him on to your podcast but realized it would make it pre-meditated bullying she is never going to live it down but all the girls

think I'm an asshole and guys think I'm a hero so worth it thanks for your help well congratulations well what a fuck did the girls think you're an asshole you know I guess because they insert themselves into the situation where they

would have been a picture of them watching a porno but they you know they wouldn't have done what she did you know that I'll never understand bunch of comedians have done bits about that how women fucking can't get along with each other but when it comes between you know a woman and a guy

they will support women blindly she made this guy's life a living hell Jesus dude and you got a fucking blowjob out of it oh Jesus he took it up a notch everybody all right Bill modern football oh this is because I went off on rugby

in football last year hey Bill Boston I mean last week hey Bill Boston's involved in the creation of modern American football be proud all right so he sits there and he gives me the Wikipedia link here which I'm hoping will open

maybe in the next fucking nine minutes history of American football can be traced to early versions of rugby football and associations football well there you go so then why do all those soccer cunts go like give us shit like that that was well I guess because they

just make sense that soccer is football it's a ball and you can only use your feet unless you're the goalie both games have their origin in how dumb are we why don't we just call it rugby now that would make more sense if our version of rugby

was bigger guys hitting each other harder you know anyways both games have their origin in the varieties of football played I don't give a fuck this is the most boring shit ever hey when somebody sends me a wikipedia link like they did this fucking that

they went to the bowels of a library and found some you know ed rugby versus NFL football 18 62 case you know what I mean I don't fucking know that was my call too dilemma bill would you rather

fight one horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses well 100 duck sized horses without a fucking doubt oh I'd feel bad if I broke one of their legs they're just little little fucking

horses I just tip them over I just keep tipping them over a fucking duck the size of a horse you can get killed of course fucking kicks you in the head you can die alright they have those little feet the ducks have those giant fucking web things

that would be like getting slapped by the biggest phone book in the history of mankind right across the face at the very least you're going to get a vicious concussion fuck that 100 duck sized horses I can't imagine how hard I would be

laughing as they chased me you know when I wait are they faster than I am or is it like one of those nightmares where you're still faster than them but you can't shake them for some reason I picture myself fighting these horses in central park

maybe because I'm in New York I would have that fucking you know you know like when you were drunk and you were getting chased by some fucking person you know some adult for whatever fucking reason because you were having a party or some shit or you were on their property

remember that feeling when you would start running we could only kind of feel your forehead and the top of your head and the rest of your body was numb and you knew it was only a moment of time before you did a fucking face plant I think that's how I would feel if I was getting chased by 100 duck sized horses that's what I think everybody

that's my comedic take on that one oh go this is the worst fucking podcast ever fuck 36 minutes in how the fuck am I going to fill these final fucking 24 minutes two year breakup

Bill this one's pretty fucked and convoluted but I'm going to try to make it brave met my lady in high school almost five years ago the breakup was around the two and a half year mark despite being broken up we still had sex went on dates and did a bunch of general

relationship shit yeah you're two codependent people you should have walked away he goes a few months went by before we made our relationship official again a few weeks after that however I found out she had been fucking some dude during the hiatus

now don't put hiatus in quotes because you broke up you were on hiatus that was fair um yeah she did it within the trade deadline hahaha I was 18

at the time it took it had things got ugly between us for a long time long story short we stay together for a year break up again fuck around while apart again and get back together a few months more goes by before I find out she's been fucking another dude

during our second hiatus Jesus dude how many times are you going to go back for the same movie did you go see police academy 7 because you wanted to see if the little mousy girl was going to go don't move dirtbag for the 50th time did you clap

and laugh like a fucking train seal come on man you're better than this anyways as you can guess things get really bad this time though we haven't got back together officially this is fucking retarded I know he says we still are in an exclusive

relationship there's literally a mountain of other bullshit that may be slightly relevant but who gives a fuck here's where you come in I'm fucking sick of this shit but I can't bring myself to tell the girl to kick rocks

I guess that means leave first love lost our virginity to each other etc and thoughts of her being with other people fucks me up even though she already has been I'm a huge pussy and need some solid advice on how to put this one to bed

thanks fuck yourself alright yeah dude what you need to do is alright you know what's weird before you have your first fucking girlfriend before you've ever

been in a fucking relationship you have this whole fucking life you have your life granted you're probably still living at home with your parents you gotta deal with their shit Brian dinner's ready you gotta deal with that shit right but generally speaking

you have your fucking life you're playing street hockey you're going out and drinking beers you're fucking going to games you're doing whatever the fuck you're doing then all of a sudden you get your first girlfriend and suddenly I find how wonderful my life

and then all of a sudden your life just becomes about that especially if you're codependent and you're going to stop doing the other bullshit and then all of a sudden you fucking break up and you can't even remember what the fuck you did before you met this person

you feel lost you feel hopeless you don't even think life is fucking worth living all that is obviously you're going to miss this person you gotta build your life back up you gotta fucking

sit down and be like what the fuck did I used to enjoy doing before I met that fucking nightmare with the vagina you know what did I used to like to do and just start doing that shit alright get out there be fucking social

and look it's gonna suck for a good six weeks after six weeks there'll be enough time to walk into it during that six weeks alright women have this unbelievable ability to sense when you're starting

to get your shit together after a breakup and they will call you 1-800-MINDFUCK and they will stir your shit up and they'll set you a week and a half behind alright don't fucking do that alright you walk away

like De Niro in heat that's what you gotta do on this one walk away it's over it's done go fuck yourself it's it you don't have to say that stuff to it just be like I have to figure out who I am again and then that's it

sniffle and walk away and just accept the fact that it's gonna suck for a good six weeks but every day is gonna get a little easier alright at the end of fucking six weeks you know you'll be fine you'll still miss her every once in a while but don't go back to that shit it's fucking misery

alright you gotta man up and this is a fucking lesson you really have to learn in life or you're gonna end up staying with this girl or repeat this fucking process with somebody else that you shouldn't be with and one of these days you're gonna knock them up and then your life's really gonna suck

alright so stop being a fucking pussy there's plenty of broads out there that's it join a gym go to a fucking game go travel something that doesn't involve her something that you can fucking look forward to

alright and there you go and that's it I hope that helps you alright alright last week last week I was laughing my ass off reading this thing where this guy was trying to claim um

that that sleep sex shit you know that basically he's asleep and he just starts having sex with his fucking uh girlfriend and he's completely asleep

he's totally asleep I just evidently somebody says hey Bill this does exist this does happen to me at least a dozen times a year that's what somebody wrote in um listen to this one Bill I feel compelled to write to you

this email after hearing the Monday morning podcast this morning I know the guy's sleep sex story sounds insane but I can tell you that it's 100% a real thing hear me out this is so fucking nuts somebody else told me that there was somebody who fucking was asleep woke up

didn't wake up got up like a fucking zombie got in the car drove across town murdered somebody and came back and got off because they were asleep okay you can't drive a car when you're fucking asleep

this is bullshit I don't I don't give a fuck if there's a scientific name for that your eyes open then you're awake well you're driving down the street with would you fucking eyes closed you know

are these these people like supernatural beings are they witches what are they doing why are they having sex why don't they wake up and do like fucking they start you know scrubbing the floor why do they always go do something fun like get laid or kill somebody

that's annoying them how come they never do anything miserable oh my god I got fucking you know I was I've reshingled the roof for my neighbor yeah this is bullshit this is fucking bullshit fuck all you guys I'll read it I'll try to have an open mind

here's another guy who suffers from getting laid while he's sleeping in college I was dating a girl who would do the same thing I started spending the night at her place which was closer to campus than my dorm one night I came back really

late after driving back to college from home I walked in I heard loud moaning like someone was having sex thinking she was cheating on me a bus into the room to beat the shit out of whoever she was fucking which is hilarious why would you beat the shit out of that person unless they knew

you and knew that you were in a relationship the guy's just doing what he's supposed to be doing he's trying to get laid you should go in there and fucking call the girl a whore and then leave misdirected anger anyways he goes I walked in only to find her by herself in bed naked from the waist down

fingering the hell out of herself so I walked over thinking I could get in on the action and her eyes were closed and she wouldn't respond to me talking to her dude what kind of fucking Blair witch the exorcist this is fucking creepy

you walk in her eyes are closed she's like a zombie state finger blast in herself and your first thought is hey maybe I can get in on the action that right there just shows the weakness of a man the fact that he can go from that level of rage

I'm gonna beat the fuck out of whoever's banging my girl two seconds later like hey maybe I can help you out with that Blair little lady anyways once she finished she seemed to fall asleep immediately thinking this was crazy I woke her up and asked her what the fuck was going on she admitted that this happened sometimes not very often

but sometimes and she never told me about it because it was embarrassing I was like okay whatever and never really thought about it again really you saw something that bizarre we're like all right okay you know

then you never thought about it again that sounds like that would be like so disturbing to see somebody in a zombified state fingering themselves I don't think I mean just me picturing what that looks like I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget it anyway

now let me get to fuck I'm gonna sneeze god damn it hang on a second alright I'm back I'm back here I don't think I could ever get that thought out of my head I just kinda shook it off and continued on he said now let's get to where

I say sleep sex is real about three weeks later I was spending the night at her place again and I woke up to her talking in her sleep oh my god dude this is the creepiest she's speaking in tongues 666 on her fucking forearm this sounds like one of those the uh

I don't know what the name of the fucking movie is anyways what the hell was I three weeks later I woke up she was talking in her sleep but talking like she was having sex saying shit like yeah fuck me and stuff

but she was just talking not doing anything else so she's sitting up in bed having a fucking conversation her eyes fucking like rolling around in her fucking head this is the creepiest shit ever do you guys sleep in like a pyramid is she like like

is she like fucking cursed this sounds like some shit that would only happen like in an Indiana Jones movie um so he goes so I decided to wake her up and let her know what she was doing I leaned over and kind of shook her softly

you know saying hey wake up wake up instead of waking up she rolled toward me the zombie fuck me fuck me that's just the fucking exorcist fuck you

um oh my god I always forget that I'm in New York can't imagine what my fucking the fucking neighbors are thinking right now instead of waking up she rolled toward me and put her hands down my pants and started jerking me off and kissing me see this is where it goes out the window

this is where it goes out dude this is where it goes out the fucking window for me if you're asleep how do you know where this is where everything is oh I'm asleep and I'm walking out to the garage not bumping into anything grabbing the keys

I gotta go kill the neighbor give me a fucking break this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life this isn't real so she rolls towards us jerking me off kissing me and then still in her sleep said are you going to fuck me or what and he goes well shit

how could I turn that down how could you turn it down because her fucking eyes are rolling up in her head dude isn't this like a form of rape if she's asleep and you're banging her I mean it's just

what if you didn't know her she walks up and fuck me fuck me fucking pajamas out in the lawn pulled up in a car this is the creepiest shit I've ever read about in my five years of doing this podcast this is the creepiest

shit ever this is Linda Blair Linda Blair is a porn star so she goes are you going to fuck me or what and the guy goes well shit how can I turn that down I started to take my pants off and her still sleeping started stripping in the bed

see this all has like a I'm awake kind of thing or possessed one or the other he goes we started going at it but the whole time her eyes were still closed but it was like she was awake grabbing on to me kissing me moaning it was totally crazy then the craziest thing

happened so this girl was one of those more reserved types we never really had dirty sex dude if you bang this girl in the ass while she's fucking in this zombified state I don't know what to tell you

he goes we never really had dirty sex or anything it was still really good but nothing out of the ordinary except tonight all of a sudden while we're going at it she flips over onto her knees and says put it in my ass oh my god dude

fuck you guys did you guys all get together and just say let's fuck with Bill and let's just write the craziest fucking emails ever this is some sort of website where you guys are doing this this is not real this isn't real he goes what the fuck

I about fucking fell over never had we even talked about it or anything and all of a sudden she was doing things she had never done at least with me without even seeming like it was new she just acted like it happens all the fucking time dude if you do this

why don't you wake her up and be like sweetheart just to let you know that you're asleep right now telling me to put my dick in your ass you know are you comfortable with going back to sleep and letting me do that I'm just checking alright nighty night

anyways it was one of the craziest nights of sex I ever had dude you're a fucking creep you're a fucking creep dude you're a fucking creep okay if I was with somebody or a zombie I would wake them up alright you had fucking anal sex with this girl

when she was like awake asleep awake asleep whatever the fuck the medical version of this is fucking insane uh the next morning she woke up and didn't mention a thing about it at all all day

so I finally decided to bring it up that's a good move hey by the way last night when you were sleeping but kind of were awake but were asleep I put it in your ass if you wondered why you felt a little weird this morning yeah cause I

oh jesus he goes I told her what happened and at first she was pretty pissed yeah I would think so but then after talking about it for a few minutes she admitted that this had happened a few times before she's had sex in her sleep with someone

including her sister's boyfriend wow that's what he wrote and I would have said that anyways dude so the boyfriend banged her while she was sleeping her sister's boyfriend this is like rape guys this is fucking nuts she's not in a place

where she can say no she's dreaming about something else if this shit even exists this is the creepiest fucking email ever oh and it keeps going she started crying and saying she didn't know what to do so I offered to go with her to a therapist and at least approach the topic with the professional

well aren't you just a fucking great guy after you banged her in the ass while she was sleeping the therapist said she may have sexomnia that was the term she used seriously look it up

or a sleep disorder where a person actually has sex in their sleep yeah go fuck your sexomnia no no fuck you I'm not I'm not buying this the therapist said it's more common than people think

no it isn't none of my friends to have this story they would have told me and that it's treatable only in some cases she got on some medication it seemed to help a little but there were a few times when shit happened in her sleep

all of those times I did not bang her in her sleep after that one time it just didn't feel right since it was something she had no control over really it took you after that first time

so instead I would wake her up that's what you should have done the first time Jesus Christ anyways just wanted to send you this email so you didn't think the sleep sex guy was a total psycho go fuck yourself

I downloaded your latest special I love to catch you later well thank you for downloading this special as far as your chivalrous acts after you fucking went anal on that girl I don't know about that man wow

well there you go people that was worth the price of admission huh I still don't believe it sexomnia at the very least it's not common I would have heard something about it okay I'm down like I'm acting like I'm a doctor right now

I am down I am in the medical field I'm up to my knees in it I would have heard something I would have heard some sort of study but I don't buy it I don't buy it okay alright let's do some final advertising here for the week and then we're gonna fucking end it

mercifully end this podcast couple of quickies here Amazon.com holiday shopping is starting up so be sure to visit our Amazon banner on the podcast page of billburd.com it's a huge help as Amazon will kick back a percentage of your

your spend a percentage of what you spend if you go through my banner first it helps support the podcast as well as the Wounded Warrior project I love the last bullet point it's thank you gamefly.com everybody

do you want to play 8000 video games? of course you do click on the gamefly banner for free 2 disc 2 week free trial 37 people did that last month so thank you for that and hopefully you enjoyed the service you want your free 2 week trial

go to www.gamefly.com or the banner add on my podcast page for your free trial and enjoy all the video games you can play and that is it ladies and gentlemen that right there is the podcast for this week so let me recap what I'm hyping this week

I have a book coming out tomorrow called cheat the man's guide to infidelity and it's based on our short film called cheat if you buy the book you get a link to the movie you get to see the movie and the whole thing will make sense

it's completely over the top it's completely in your face it's fucking hilarious I wrote it with Robert Kelly and Joe de Rosa the teen idol sensation from the open Anthony program you know after all those years of sitting around not doing shit we actually made a movie and wrote a book

you may like it you may not but go fuck yourself we at least completed the project my special if you people are all the same is available for download at billbird.com cost you 5 bucks you'll get a link to download the special you have 5 days to download it

1, 2, 3, 4, 5 5 days so you know if you're traveling that gives you time to get home we initially only had it up for 24 hours not realizing that some people would buy it and then fly on a plane do some bullshit so my apologies for that inconvenience to other people

but in general I think it worked really well and I swear to god man I know I joke around and everything but that really means a lot to me that you guys supported my special and I was glad I was able to give it to you 5 bucks it all fucking worked out for everybody you know you don't get fucked

I don't get fucked it's all good and thank you to Louis CK for coming up with that and also if you want to buy a hard copy version of it that'll be more like around Christmas time and that'll also be available on billbird.com I'm just kind of getting the logistics of that down

and and then of course I will be selling them at my shows coming up around the holidays I'll be giving you guys more information about that also the new podcast um whatever you want to call it network

allthingscomedy.com check out all the podcasts are on there Ari Shafir has a new CD out um that guy really I'm telling you man every time I see him like that guy's the next guy he's uh it's always great to see somebody like

breaking out of the pack really turn in the corner and I think he's on his way to doing something so if he's performing in your area go see him now so you can say I saw him when and check out his new comedy CD also

Tom Segura from your mom's your mom's house podcast has a new CD out called white girls in cornrows you should check it out the guy's absolutely hilarious I did his podcast last week he's also part of the network and that's it that's it for this week everybody

thank you so much for listening um oh and oh Billy twinkle toes I'm going to be on inside the NFL this week if you can believe it I have no idea what I'm going to do on it um other than feel not qualified because everybody there has pretty much played the game or went to broadcasting

school and I'm just some obnoxious asshole comedian but uh they're going to have me on and that's going to be on showtime I imagine that's going to be airing this weekend maybe Friday Saturday I have no idea but um I'll definitely be putting out a Facebook and Twitter blast

um that is it that's the podcast and thank you to everybody who came out to Cincinnati alright I'm going on too long go fuck yourself I'm um um

um um um um