Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-1-18

Episode Date: November 2, 2018

Bill rambles about arguing, living in Vegas, and Halloween costumes.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How are you, everybody?

Oh, my goodness. I am down to my last couple gigs of the year, other than a couple of benefits or whatever. The last couple gigs of the year. I got Madison Square Garden coming up on November 7th. And then the eighth, ninth, and 10th, I'm going to be at the Chicago Theater. And then that's it. Old Freckles is done for the year, other than a thousand other fucking local bullshit things that I'm doing.

Yeah, so November 7th, I'll be at Madison Square Garden. But I'm going to be doing a tune-up show, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, at a comedy club somewhere in Manhattan on November 5th, a comedy club that might be on the West Side. It might be a comedy club, a West Side comedy club, November 5th. I don't know. Might be running my hour. Who knows? I might be there.

I'm going to be there on November 5th. And I love that place. I love the people that run it. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be bouncing around all over Manhattan having a great time, getting ready to do that show. And I'm going to do the MSG with Verzi and Joe Bartnick. I'm going to record that night.

This time we're going to get it right. And I am really, really, really, really looking forward to that. What else? What else did I have to announce here? Before the throwback, there will be a teaser of the first uninformed Patreon episode. One goes live, November 5th, next Monday at www.patreon.com. I got all this extra backstage shit at the forum. I'm flying helicopters.

I'm showing you some of my beauty secrets, skincare, stupid shit. And that is all. And oh, you know what? We might have a special guest on this podcast, a special guest that I'm married to. And I love to death. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. But she still pissed me off today. And I've been doing such a good job not having arguments with her.

And I kind of shook it off. And then she said something else to me in the kitchen. And I had to, you know, there are moments where you just have to be like, hey, you know, you can't talk to me like that, all right? I'm over here. I'm being a swell guy and, you know, so you should be being a sweetheart. And I'm just not, I'm not feeling that, you know? Like, if I'm being like a swell guy and someone else is not being a sweetheart, then I become

a jerk off. Oh, look who just came in, the person I was talking about. I'm doing the math here. The lovely Nia, everybody, the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You talking about me? Yeah. Although if you behaved the way you did this morning, every time you'd be one of the worst things that ever happened to me.

I apologize. Oh, doesn't that sound sincere, everybody? I apologize. All right, are you going to sit down on the couch? Yes. So anyways, I'm sitting there, you know, minding my own business. And, uh, am I plugged in here? There you go.

You sit that down, you sat down. So Nia. Hi, how are you? This is going to be a little therapy session. Oh, no, it isn't, it isn't, but you know, you know what I mean? I get a lovely daughter up. I guess you said to my to my face. Did you let me know?

I got these things a little too loud. Let me turn these down here. Um, you said to my evidently face, you said that you go. You know, I come upstairs, right? I worked out, you had a wonderful, I work out. I put all the shit. Hey, quit breathing into the mic. They're breathing.

Um, yeah, I put all, somebody's going to fucking put that clip on a loop and jerk off to it. That's how creepy the internet is and have fun. Have fun with that. Anyways, um, I put all the shit from the kid Halloween party, broke that all down, put in the back of my truck. I noticed that it wasn't your job. Yeah. I did all of that.

I went to the gym. Right. Yeah. Being a, being a hell of a guy. Upstairs. Right. Oh, adorable. Cutie face.

Doesn't want to get up. Yeah. Yep. She likes to sleep. Like somebody I know. I think that's so adorable. We got this thing now. We come in sometimes now and she doesn't, you take the blanket off her and she has this

little mischievous grin and she pulls the blanket back over. Yeah. She wasn't ready. She just was staying lying down and she wanted me to keep the blanket on her. I was like, come on. It's time to get up and she was just smiling at me like, no, not feeling it. Yeah. It's cute.

I'm going to stay here for another couple of 20 minutes. So anyway, so you leave. Can I have that blanket? It's a little chilly. Yeah. It's probably a vibe today. Oh. Um, so, right.

I get her out of bed. You leave and evidently at some point you said to me, hey Bill, put her in this outfit. Hey Bill, put her in this outfit. Yeah. As you said to me. I said, here's her. Here's her outfit for the day. And how many times did you say it?

Once. You told me in the kitchen you said, you said it twice. I said it to you. No. You said I said it to you twice and you said it to my what? No. I said it to your face. To my face.

That's the way you said it. You liked that cop. You liked the cop and reservoir dog. Buddy, I am going to shoot you in the face. You don't put that outfit on our daughter. So I didn't hear it. And I saw that brewing sweatshirt. I put her on that.

You know. Yeah. Can you make more noise? I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. What are you doing?

I was trying to take the tag off this plate. Okay. I'm done. I'm done. I'm here. I'm present. I'm paying attention. I don't know why your mic is so frigging loud.

It's like literally you're just moving your hand. It's making it do all this stuff. All right. Anyways. Yeah. So anyways, then you're sitting there, right? She had a poopy diaper. I handled all of that crap.

Literally. Right. And then you come in. You're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm just like, oh, I'm sorry. She goes, yeah. Well, why would you do that? Well, well, she can go to whatever event she's going to in this, right? You're like, yeah, but you know, it's not going to be as breathable as what I put out. So then you leave. So I was like, all right.

By the way, she's standing there adorable eating the homemade pumpkin bread that I made last night. I'm a sweet. You know that guy? I'm a maid guy. I'm a maid guy. Yeah. I'm a swell guy.

Right. So then you leave. So what are my bonus points? If you guys can recognize where that quote is from. Oh, come on. That's an easy one. I'm a maid guy. Just pull it a little away from your mouth.

Yeah. I'm a maid guy. Maybe you're like right here. What's the difference now? Right here. A little more closer. How about this? There you go.

Well, you keep adjusting the level that you're talking. That's fine. Anyways. Oh boy. And then I change it. I change her into the outfit that you said and you come walking in like nothing happened. So I jokingly say, Hey dad, thanks for putting her on the other outfit. And then you're just like, why don't we have to say thanks?

I told you to put her in that outfit twice to your face and then you walked out. Yes. In defense. In defense. Shout out to, uh, uh, what's, what's it? Oh my God. Fat cells. I'm transforming fat cells into McDowell's from coming to him.

Sorry. I just accidentally hit that friggin button there. I reached for it. Reaching for my smoothie. Where the hell are we? Oh, fat cells. Fat cells. Turned it into what?

A McDowell's. And then they also had like on the side of the building, they had a big print out and it's his employee of the month, Akeem. And it has a picture of, you know, Eddie Murphy from the movie. And who's restaurant is that? And it's Jerry Ferraro. That's right. That's right.

Our lovely pal, Jerry Ferraro. Why did you have to throw that in Hollywood? Huh? You can't just say it's owned by him. You always got to do that. Anyways, because you want to say something like, say something nice about the person. So then, yeah. So then you just like, yeah, I told you that twice to your face.

Right? I never said it like that to your face. That's how you just said it. I said to your face. So I don't yell anymore. That's my thing. I just keep saying that. Baha.

Haha. I mean, you're a fucking jerk. Yeah. It's something. I mean, it is, it is, there's a reason human beings are able to yell because God knew that some of them that he made were jerks. So anyways, then I walk, I'm the king of muttering now. I go, I'll put the outfit on and get a fucking thank you area and I fucking go downstairs

and I'm making a smoothie. All right. And the thing is not supposed to turn on the food processor is not supposed to turn on unless you have the whole thing closed and it turned on anyways and stuff is going all over the place. And then you come over, you're like, oh, I think it's leaking. It's like all over my shirt. So I give you the look you deserved.

I thought it was like leaking from the top. I didn't think he realized that it was coming. No, not from the top, from the bottom. So I didn't, I don't know. I didn't think that you realized that. Well, most of that look was because of your, your thing upstairs in the face, right? So then we're downstairs and I was just like, hey, you know, not for nothing. Yeah.

I didn't appreciate. You could have said thank you. And you're like, why do I have to say thank you, Bill? I told you two times to your face. That's what you said. I was just like, yeah. And then that's, that's when I snapped. I still was saying F in GD, not using the actual words.

Right. Right. I was just like, yeah, you're not going to talk to me like that. I'm not going to be a sweetheart and then be talked to like a jerk because then I become a jerk off. I become a typical Staten Island jerk off. I can't believe we're still quoting that show so many years later. I loved it.

I loved it. For people who never saw that we watched some reality show and there was this woman from Staten Island. True life. I'm a Staten Island girl. Okay. Like the MTV show, true life. I'm a blank.

This is true life. I'm a Staten Island girl. So she went into New York. The city. Into the city. She went to a club. She was dancing with a guy. She had a long Island iced tea.

She's dancing with this guy and as he's dancing with her, he's like sort of grabbing his girlfriend too. Yeah. And she's like, are you like, are you like grabbing on my girlfriend? Like why are you dancing with me? And the guy's like, what? We're not dating. And then they just cut to her outside the club and she goes, that was your typical Staten

Island jerk off. No, I thought he says, well, we're not married or something like that. What are we married? Something like that. Something to that effect. Anyways, he was going for the threesome and he had just met her. Yeah. Got to respect that.

There's no loyalty in the club. Oh, shit. I think that's got to be, I think that's got to be on a t-shirt, but you got to say, you got to say DA in duck club. No. You can't say THC. If you say THC, then you think maybe it's a white club. Like what are they talking about?

The White House? I know, but like that's just so overdone when people write duh, whatever on t-shirts. It's just like, it's just corny. Neha Hill has the finger on the pulse of social media. It's not corny. Oh, it is? Duck club. Neha, what are the top three emojis?

The top three emojis are the face. The one where the eyes are closed, the mouth is kind of like, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening. Faves. These are my top three. I love that one. I also love the finger on the chin one, the hmm, one. And then I also like the one eyebrow raised.

Those are my faves. You want to hear mine? And the crying laughing, of course. You want to hear mine? What are yours? I have one. What? The thumbs up.

That covers everything. Yes. Yes, I heard you. It's non-committal. Yeah. It's non-committal. Sounds good. Hey, Bill, you're one of the biggest fucking assholes I've ever met.

She started to let you know that. Thumbs up. Speaking of which. Yes. I got a text message. So wait, do you forgive me for speaking to you that way? And I'll tell you why. Because I do apologize.

It was over the top. And I'll tell you why. Because I'm done. I'm done being the angry guy. I don't give a shit anymore. That's too much of my life has gone by. I'm on like fucking the 13th hole here. What am I doing, right?

50 years old. That's a golf reference, but I don't know what that 13th hole is. Well, there's only 18 holes. Is that towards the end? There's only 18 holes. Oh, so you only have five more holes left? Well, I'm 50. Okay.

You live to 80. That's a great run. Although I am drinking. 80? No, we're going to live longer than that. Remember, I'm calling it right now. You are going to be like the Don Rickles of your generation. And we're going to live in Las Vegas.

You and I, we're going to live in Las Vegas for however long they want to book you for. Like, oh, we want to give them a year residency at this place. We're going to live in Vegas. We're going to live in one of those obnoxious penthouse five room suites in Vegas. It sounds horrible. Why is it so horrible? You're going to go downstairs and be like, hey, hey, hey. Whatever old jokes people tell.

And jokes old people tell. I'm going to be like shopping at Caesars and having lunch at the same place every day. They're going to know it's going to be great. Are you kidding me? It's going to be so much fun. You're going to shop at Caesars? Yep. Yep.

Because they have all the stores. You're acting like there's just one store in Caesars. It's like all the stores that you know. Yeah. Every time we go to Vegas, we're there for about 36 hours. You're like, I got to get the fuck out of here. That's true. But I feel like you think you're going to live on the strip in Las Vegas.

And this, this is how you're going to go out in your golden years. Well, I mean, I'm 10 years younger than you. So I'm not going anywhere for a while. But God, God willing. Knock on wood. I'm just saying that would just be fun. Like if you're 80 and I'm 70. Yeah.

Why wouldn't we just like live in Vegas? Why not? Yeah. I'm not going out like that. And no one's saying you're going out, but like there's a very high chance. Don Rickles didn't live in fucking Vegas. Did he do Vegas? Yeah.

He did Vegas. And then he got the fuck out of there. And now the gig. You think you're going to be on the road like that when you're 80 years old? Yeah. First of all, I retire at some point and just do like a nice local gig. Yeah. It doesn't have to be in Las Vegas.

I'm a fucking redhead knee. I'm not going to be with global warming. By the time I'm 80, it's going to be 140 degrees out in the winter. Are you, are you doing stand up out in the desert? Like no, you're inside all those old people that live in Vegas. They stay inside the whole time. Yeah. And one heat wave, like five of them die.

Yeah. Because they can't make it over to their fucking air conditioner. I know, but those are probably the ones who aren't doing so well financially. So they can't afford. So they don't matter. Wow. Say that they don't matter. I'm kind of sounded that way.

Like, you know, chances are there in places that don't have good. That's what I'll close with. Cause I wear a silly grin. The moment you come into view. There's a lot of older people who live in Las Vegas bill. So I'm just saying. Yeah. You're going to be an air conditioning.

And you'll be fine. Yeah. I'm not going to be there. I have a plan. Okay. What is your plan? Huh? I should probably know what this plan is.

Yeah. Well, it doesn't involve fucking living in a shop at its Caesar's. Oh my God. Living in Las Vegas and some obnoxious fucking penthouse. Yeah. Look at them all. Look at them all down there. Honey, get away from the window.

Your skin cancer. Oh, your ass. That point will be sleeping in different sweets. Jesus Christ. What was the text that you were about to talk about? Oh, getting back to our favorite emojis. Oh, the thumbs up. All right.

So there's this thing going on on the internet right now because all Yankee fans are pissed at not only infant, but a lot of Yankee fans are pissed at Boston at the Boston Red Sox fans that are talking shit. Right. All right. There's different kinds of sports fans. This is a sports fan that goes, hey, man, great series. Your sons of bitches, you beat us, whatever, and you leave it at that.

Then there's the middle guys who just won't be friends with anybody who's a fan of another team. And then there's the worst of the worst, which are just the shit talking assholes who talk fucking shit all the time. And then when their team loses, if you can find them because they go into hiding to give them the shit back that they deserve, they then act as though they don't understand where this is coming from and have the audacity to be like, oh, class act, class act. Right.

So I don't engage in any of that. Right. There's some hilarious stuff on the internet right now with shit talking Red Sox fans and shit talking Yankee fans. One of a few Yankee fans had the audacity to say the Red Sox bought the World Series. Oh, they're mad, huh? Well, it's just like, well, where did we learn how to do that? You assholes.

They spend $20 million a year for like 20 years. And this is the first, like last couple of years they've gone with their farm system, which is brilliant. And they're going to get another one. And they're going to get another one soon is what I think. As much as I don't want that to happen as a Red Sox fan, I'm also a fan of baseball. I love what they're doing. So it's just like, all you guys, all they're doing is stockpiling their cash and they're

going to go out and they're going to spend a ton of fucking money and they're going to come out with it, whatever the hell you need to spend now to 228 million. Is that what, is that what we spent? Um, and then also going real classy, real classy talking shit, blah, blah, blah, blah. If the Yankees won, we wouldn't have said shit about Red Sox fans. It's like, the fuck you wouldn't. The fuck you wouldn't. I remember when you won them and what you said, I was there.

I don't know what you guys are talking about. You guys threw beer in the face of one of our relievers this year. Stop acting like you're in the face. So anyways, this was the day after. I'm not going to say who this person is, but he's a very emotional person and I love him and I've done his podcast and he's done my podcast and he's one of the funniest people I know. I love this guy, but he's out of his fucking mind.

Um, he sends me a text at 12, 34 PM. He writes, you know, Pedro Martinez sucks big fat elephant cock still. He's still sucking elephant dicks. So I write back, thanks so and so exclamation point. God bless exclamation point. Right. And he just keeps going. He goes, he doesn't care.

He doesn't clean them either. He just sucks elephant cock. Only person still rocking a Jerry curl. So then I write back the number 11. And he's still in the middle of his rant. He goes, I'm a bad guy now cause he's cause he still sucks cock. And then he takes the bait and he goes 11. What?

And I go championships, five Super Bowls, four world series, one NBA title, one Stanley Cup, 14, 17 years. You'll tell your grandchildren about it. And then he just writes back, you've changed man. And then he continues, whatever, man, you didn't bring back that animal shit. Like that animal shilling in his fake bloody socks. And I just never responded. So I don't under the, I don't, I'm done, Nia.

You don't understand it. Like I'm going to have relapses. Like when you bait me two times in the face, right? That might send me back, but I am done with this shit. He just rolled your eyes. You know what it is, Nia? You know, you know when your heart of hearts, if I fucking beat this thing, you got nothing on me.

You do. I work hard and make a great living. Is that what you're going for? Me not having anything on you? Shutting you the fuck up? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Fucking Lutely. Are you kidding me? To shut your cute little face up? I love you to death, Nia. I love you to death, but you know, you know something? Can you quit yawning into the microphone? Sorry. Like your fucking dental office waiting room?

All right. I haven't been on the podcast in so long. Yeah. So long. I know. And people miss you and I miss you. Well, I'm back, baby. I'm back, bitches.

All right. I need to, uh, I need to read some advertising here. This first one's called honey. Nobody. What? That's the sound of your voice. Right as I'm walking out the door to go do something fun. I just hear you from upstairs.

Honey. Could you swing by? Swing by is always the opposite direction. 20 fucking miles. I was going to ask you to bring home some bananas on the way back from the gym, but I thought better of it. Oh, you did? I still would have done it.

You know, but I was like, no, he's always saying that I always ask him to get. I asked you something the other day because I'm, I was like, yeah, fuck this. This is going to be equal. I asked you when my buddies were coming over for the world series. I went. Oh. And I went, you skipped a few steps there. What did I skip?

You asked me to go get some beer. And you said, okay. Oh, Jesus. And then I had, yeah. And then a half hour later, you're still laying there. And I'm like, Nia, you're going to go get that beer. And you're like, oh, you were serious? It's like, yeah.

I was in my row when you told me. So I was like, you know, you had a half hour to get out of the rope. Not to mention Nia. It was one in the afternoon. Fucking laying around like Cruella de Vil. All right. It was a Sunday. No, it wasn't.

Yeah, it was. No, it wasn't. Was it a Saturday? It was Saturday. Can you please put that back? It was a weekend. Can you please put that back? Why can't I look at it?

Just put that down. I come in here and now I can't, I can't look at stuff that's in here now. It's covered in plastic. No, it's a fucking, that's an Elvin Jones modern drummer magazine. I see that it's a very like, you know, like it's obviously a collector's item, but I can't like pick it up and look at it. I wasn't going to take it out of the packaging. All right.

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You like that, Nia? Yeah. Nia, can you just, can you be involved here? This is for money. Listen, you don't want me to like to breathe. You don't want me like what I'm trying to. No, no, you can breathe just not into the microphone. I'm trying to be like respectful and let you read your advertising and you're still yelling at me.

Like, what do you want me to do here? Yeah, that sounds great. There you go. You got to be that person. Oh, okay. Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got the charger built into the sofa.

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Okay. Just, just, okay. What? That's good acting, but I want late night TV. People have fallen asleep. Okay. You got to get them to buy a sofa at 2.48 in the morning. All right.

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If this isn't the greatest couch with a plug-in phone charger you ever sat on. All right. What are we up to here? 31 minutes, Nia, just like that. Nia, I swear to God, I love you to death and I'm done getting into fights with you. All right. Okay, productive. Let's both agree to that.

Have you noticed that I've been trying? Say you noticed. Yes, I have noticed that you have tried. What? No, the old me would have taken that bait. You know what this is? That's not even a you thing. I was just trying to be funny in that moment.

I've noticed that you've tried. All right. I've been married too fucking long to ever expect a compliment. I know what the deal is. You should have been doing this the whole time. That's what it's going to be. And this is what I want. Better late than never.

And this is what I want you to do, Nia. What's that? I want you to continue to not work on yourself. Oh, here we go. Yes. Yes. And I'm going to become such a good person. I am working on myself.

People are going to start whispering to me, why are you with her? She's horrible. Welcome to my world. No, you should. I am working on myself. You know that I'm working on myself. Stop putting words in my mouth. What are you, Trump?

What do you mean? I'm great. You know I'm great. I'm working on myself. People have said. No one's worked harder on themselves than I have. I am the greatest worker on myself ever. Anyways, hey, I want to thank everybody that's coming out to Madison Square Garden.

I'm recording that night and please come down and I have a couple of glasses of booze. Get all fucking. That's right. Loosen up. I'm going to have a great time. I'm fucking going up. Nia, I've been going harder than ever on stage just because of all of this. They keep asking.

I wish I could be there for Madison Square Garden. I know it's going to be amazing because the form was literally the best show I've ever seen you do. And I've known you for years and I'd like to count. Yep. But no, it's like the best show I've ever seen you do. And I've seen you do amazing shows, but that form one was like even when I talk to people about it, now they'll just say, just from the moment we walked in the door, the whole

energy was electric. And I think the crowd was really excited. You had a great crowd that night. Yeah, the crowd was really, really great. Yeah, it was just great energy. And Joe and Dean were both just on their A game. It was just a great night. Well, Joe and Dean walked out there like they were doing a spot at the store.

Which is like how you have to be, right? Yeah. No, they just went out there and they were just like, Hey, what's up? And just, yeah, when I was like, all right, well, or intimidated by the venue. I guess if they're not nervous, why should I be? No, I'm very. Yeah. No, it's a humbling experience.

Yeah. Go out there. Just like, I don't know if I ever get to do this again. So I'm playing drums during the day. Yes. That's that's like your new thing now is that you play the drums and do then jam. And then you're like, I feel like you shake all the nerves out of you by doing that. Yeah.

You just go when you just make a ton of noise. Yeah. I did that at the garden in Boston. I'm going to do it in MSG again. And you did it at the forum too. Yeah. Oh, I played for like almost three hours. My shoulder was killing me.

That's so great that they let you do that though. Yeah. Well, at first I thought that they would think that now what is this asshole doing that? But then it's like this bands in there all the time, tuning up. Yeah. And I think that they get a kick out of the fact that that we're acting like we won a radio contest rather than coming in and they're like, oh, another arena. Right.

Yeah. We come in here like geeks. I can't believe I'm here. Look at that picture of Dave Grohl, man. I mean, that's all we do. I saw Queens of the Stone Age here. Yeah. I just freaked out the whole time I'm there.

Wait, are we not going to talk about the party yesterday? Oh, how much you crushed that friggin party. Thank you. We had the second annual kid Halloween. Baby Halloween. Baby Halloween. The second annual baby Halloween party. Do you know how nightclubs are 21 and over?

This is, this was two years and under. Two and under. That was the guess list. Oh my God. It was adorable, first of all. But no, it was, it was really nice. The one little kid dressed like a hedgehog. Oh my God.

The two little kids dressed like hedgehogs. There was two hedgehogs at the party. Oh, I know. I thought that was going to be friction. Snoopy. The one family. Oh my God. Snoopy.

One family came dressed as Charlie Brown and Lucy. That was the parents. And then Snoopy. Was the baby. Oh my God. So cute. Then we had the Tired's. The Tired's.

I love the Tired's. The parents showed up and just their bathrobes and pajamas and their kid. Oh, someone has pajamas. That was a very clever idea. You went out and got us all skeleton costumes. Oh my God. Wait, can we talk about your skeleton costume? Skeleton slash gimp outfit that you got me.

It was a giant onesie with feet and hands. I didn't realize that there was like gloves and feeding. It wasn't gloves. It was all sewed into it. There was no option. There was no option. Then we found out later on that night that there was actually like this ski mask thing that you were supposed to put over your head like, are you serious?

It was definitely freaky. Yes. That was the most craziest joke ever. Yes. Last night I go, Jesus Christ. I go, there was a fucking ski mask thing with that. And then you laughed. You said, put that on and fuck me.

And I was, even that made me uncomfortable. And I know you were fucking joking obviously, but I was like, Jesus Christ, Nia. Cause it literally looked like a gimp. You put it over your head and it was like a skeleton. Yeah. The only thing that was missing was the zipper mouth. It was so awful. It was so scary.

Yeah. That was a one and done. But I didn't say put that on and fuck me. Unbelievable. Oh my God. Horrible. But no, that was a fun time. Thank you so much for your help with that.

That was great. Okay. I'm going to take you to a mic class at some point. You literally have it laying horizontal across your chest. I know. Could I be like any lazier right now with my energy? I'm comfortable now. I'm finally in a comfortable spot.

I got the blanket. I feel good. Yeah. You're supposed to be working right now. You're supposed to be entertaining people and you're sitting there. Treating it like a... They took vacations together. All right.

No, but the caterers were amazing. All the food was amazing. And thank you Twitter for your playlist suggestions. I thanked people on Twitter, but I want to thank you guys again. Oh, you crushed it. It's a lot of good ideas. You had all this great music and then all of a sudden it would just go into like thriller. Yeah.

Michael Jackson and everybody get all psyched at that. And then it would be some more... And then it would be like baby shark. Baby shark. I was trying to do a little... How does that song go? Once that's in your head, you're done. It's done.

It's done. And I had three different versions of baby shark. How does that song go? Are you serious? Yeah. I don't remember. Baby shark. Baby shark.

No, that's not how it goes. Baby shark. Baby shark. That's not how it goes. Baby shark. Mommy shark. It doesn't go do, do, do, do, do, do. Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't. How does it go? It doesn't do that. You didn't even know what this song was until I played it. So how do you know how it goes? How does it go then? I don't remember, but it doesn't go like that. It does.

Well, there's a few different versions. There's a slower one that goes, baby shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do, baby shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do, that's the one. Baby shark. It wasn't baby shark. Do, do, do, do, do, do, baby shark. There's many different versions.

Shut your face. Do, do, do, do, do, do, shut your face. Do, do, do, do, do, shut your face. The fast one though. That was the first one I heard. Baby shark. Do, do, do, do, do. That was the first one I heard.

Maybe it works with that voice. And then I heard, baby. And then there's an R&B version one that I played at the party as well. I was firing on all cylinder. Oh, there was spicy margaritas and two of those bad boys. All kinds of delicious food. We had like the toys and the games out for the kids. It was a good time.

Yeah. And now it's over. Now it's over. And now I have to go return all those tables and chairs. How cute, how cute were the little kid chairs? Oh, and they actually sat in them too. And they colored. And they were coloring and putting stickers on construction paper.

It was so cute. I liked the little kids at that age. Like they just, like there'll be two little kids just looking at each other. And another kid just runs up super fast and then just stops. And then they just stare at each other. And then they all just run to go do something. You know, our, um, our neighbor texted me and she was asking how the party was. She has older kids and she was like,

you probably had a much more controlled situation because her kids are older. And she's like, when they get older, once it's like four and up, she's like, every party is completely insane because just their energy is all over the place anyway. And then they have candy and she was like, please enjoy like the kind of controlled atmosphere that you have with this age group. And I was like, no, I know. That's why I wanted to keep it to one under cause they're just insane.

Right? Like, don't you think? Uh, no, I wasn't aware of any of this storm front coming. Well, apparently. Well, whatever. I'm going to enjoy it. What are you going to do? Yeah.

I mean, whatever happens, I know that me and my siblings did 10 full to my mother. So I have it coming. Um, all right. That's the podcast. Um, now I go, now we're going to be listening to a clip of, uh, uninformed. Um, the first one in, I don't know how many years, 10 years. Uh, that's going to be on the Patreon page that is going to be debuting November 5th. November 5th.

Excuse me. I just burped November 5th. And you're going to talk to me about microphone etiquette. You know what? You're right. See that guys? That's how it works. You want to get along with your wife?

Just learn that phrase. You know what? You're right. All right. That's it. Uh, have a wonderful weekend. And I'll, uh, talk to you on Monday. I never, one of those ones, dude, if I could go back in time,

I've worked in so many kitchens. I've never seen so many jail bird. I've never seen, why don't you get over and fucking wash some. I've never working in kitchen. I've never seen so many fat men do so much cocaine. And it's like, dude, this doesn't make any fucking sense. I know I've told you this story. I got a classic one, our manager, right?

The manager where I worked. Uh, I was a bus boy. So I used to have to mop up around the oyster and they had like the black and white tiles like the old improv used to have, right? So I'm mopping that up and always be a fucking mess. And I would have to mop up and clean the men's room and the women's room. And the women's room always looked like, you know, like the Yankees just won the world serious.

It was just like paper and ticker tape all over the, whatever it was, it was a fucking mess in there. Guys, it was just, they pissed all over the place. So I go in there to clean the bathroom and my manager is in there. He's got the water on full blast and he's brushing his teeth while puking. I swear to God, he's brushing his teeth going, then he'd be like, oh, and he had the water keep going. Then he just kept brushing his teeth and I was sitting there.

I didn't know what to do. He just kept brushing his fucking teeth. And then he just saw, and then he played it off going like, oh, you know, he goes brushing the teeth. Sometimes it makes me gag and I'm thinking, well, don't fucking jam the toothbrush down your throat. You're fucking whore. And it wasn't until I was only 19.

So it wasn't until years later that I was like, oh, he was fucking hung over. He just was fucking puking up alcohol. He was probably standing there puking. Then I came in and then he was just trying to act like he was brushing his teeth. Like I wasn't going to notice that he was fucking puking, but I was standing there. Look all over the brush. Jesus Christ. That guy was stuck.

I was so funny. I remember he was so funny. Believe it or not. He ends up getting fired. Right. He gets fired and then he gets a job managing another restaurant as they all do. You walked out onto the floor and an eight ball fell out of your pocket. You're fired.

And then like, they wouldn't even go across town. They'd be across the fucking like the strip mall. So this guy ends up getting another job, making way more money. And I swear to God, he showed up like a week later with his new job. He had bought a brand new car and he came over to Peacock like we gave a fuck and he pulled up with some white Subaru sports car. I can't even remember what the fuck he had and he just, can he just was sitting there at the fucking bar with this cat ate the canary smile on his face.

I said, Hey man, how you doing? I said, Hey, is that your car out there? He's like, yeah, I want to drive it and he slid the keys across the bar. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I swear to God. It was like I was in a roadhouse. Dude, restaurant workers are like dirty cops.

They just get shuffled off to another fucking precinct. Oh yeah. Once you're in, you're in, dude. It doesn't matter what you got fired for, what they put in there, they always get another job. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast.

That was the worst fucking mix ever done. I don't give a fuck. I'm in my pajamas. What do you want from me? The Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 1st. Oh my God. It's almost Thanksgiving. This motherfucker is back on iTunes.

So everybody relax your fucking smart phones. Relax. You can download it. It is back. I don't know why it's back. I don't know why it went away. It went away like somebody's drunk mother a couple of months, you know, a couple of months back.

She started drinking the Shiva three got a little tipsy. She went out to the bar and she never came back and then all of a sudden she just comes walking back into our lives. No apology. No nothing. Ma, where the fuck you been? Jerry just leave it alone. All right.

She's sober. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what happened with fucking iTunes. I don't know what I said. I don't know what I did. There was no explanation. Actually, there was an explanation, but it's too fucking boring to get into.

I use the wrong punctuation. Some sort of quotes when I put the money more. No, I use an asterisk, you know, little Barry bonds, little Sammy Sosa, little Mark McGuire, little Roger Maris action when I went to go post it. And then they just, they just took me off, you know, and like some mean little seventh grade girl, they just refused to talk to me. We were BFFs and it was fucking over and there was no reason, complete overreaction. So the last fucking 35 days or so we were like, dude, what the fuck?

You know, I thought we were friends. So anyways, we're back. We're back on iTunes. And if you guys have, you know, your smartphones or whatever the hell it is, you can download it. You can download it to your iPod. You can go right back to fucking off at work. Isn't that great?

Isn't that phenomenal? Doesn't that make you feel good? As you can see, I kind of sound excited. This is like one of these, these episodes where I'm going to be a little manic because not only am I excited that the podcast is back on iTunes, I'm also freaking out because I have a ton of shit that I have to do today. So to be honest with you guys, after this wonderful intro, I'm just here to tell you I really don't have time for you fuckers this week.

What do you think about that? All right, what are we going to talk about this week? Let's open the page, let's open the page, Nia closing the door because I'm being too loud. What's the matter Nia? Are you tired of the funny? She's in a mood. But aren't they always?

Ah, I got a smile. You're not really annoyed me this weekend. I was in St. Louis, meet me in St. Louis, Louis, meet me at the fair, don't tell me the lights are shining, anyplace but there, we will dance the hoochie-coochie, you will be something else that is a sexual innuendo, but it's the nineteen fucking forties, so we can't talk about banging. Um, sorry, Mitch Miller baby was my first album, sing along with Mitch in the gang. And I just found out that motherfucker just died.

That son of a bitch was like 90 something years old, still put in Grecian formula in his beard. God bless him. Um, ah Jesus, why did I sing that stupid fucking song? I forget what the hell I was going to talk about, let's go back, let's try to go back into the memory bank. I was in St. Louis this week and I did a benefit for the children, John Carney's kids, I did that Friday night, Saturday night I did the funny bone, two shows at the funny bone, I

want to thank everybody who showed up at a wonderful time out there and if you guys want to go back in time and reach back into a little bit of Americana that you feel was lost during the last twenty years of horrific moves, you know, I got an idea, let's come up with NAFTA, let's send all the manufacturing out of this fucking country and then someday when we want it back, we got to compete with sweatshop labor, does that sound like a good idea, I think that's a good fucking idea. I have an idea, let's have a war, fuck let's have two wars at the same fucking time. How are we going to pay for it, we'll borrow money from China, that sounds good to me,

why am I blaming it on Southerners, I don't know why, I don't know why because the last two guys were from Arkansas and then the other guy was from Texas, you know, you realize before Obama the last two presidents should have been on the food network on one of those barbecue offs, you know, trying to compete who has the best fucking sauce, mine's vinegar based and his is more molasses, okay, that's that sweet stuff, you put that sweet stuff on because you don't know how to cook good piece of meat, you know how to cook good piece of meat, you don't need to go with that sweet stuff, you can put a little bit of vinegar on it, I come from the foothills of North Carolina, we use vinegar, you start using

that sweet stuff, you talking about Kansas City, anyway so if you want to if you want to reach back into America a little bit and just if you have children and you want them to see what this country used to be like, back in the day when you could eat cheeseburgers and french fries and a fucking drink of goddamn chocolate malt and somehow not end up being a fat fuck because there wasn't all these goddamn preservatives in it, all right, isn't that what makes you a fat, how come people used to eat like snow and new shit about nutrition in the 1950s yet everybody kind of seemed like they weren't in shape, you know, granted they were fucking openly racist and grabbing their secretary's ass every five seconds but

they were in much better shape, if you want to go back into time go to St. Louis because St. Louis is one of the few places I have been to in the last eight years that you can still smoke in comedy clubs and you could smoke in bars and people just light up and I was amazed by it, you know, even though I kind of remembered that you, I hadn't been there in five years but there's just certain states they just, they just, they don't give a shit like when they see the surgeon general come on TV they're just like I don't recognize that uniform, he ain't no fucking American so they completely ignore it so if you want to go back in time with your child, you know, if you're tired of reminiscing with your

adolescent son or daughter about how he used to be able to go in a bar and have a drink and a smoke, why not live it, why not go to St. Louis, I think that they should add that to their tourist attractions right up there with the, with the arch, the gateway to the West so to speak. I actually hung around for an extra day yesterday and I went to the St. Louis Rams game first the Carolina Panthers and as boring as part of the game was it was kind of exciting to watch a team that you could tell was going to be fucking good in about a year or two. The Rams, remember you heard it first, November 1st, 2010 right now right here, Sam Bradford I think is the real fucking deal. Guys cool as a cucumber, he's

driving the damn team down the field even though his top three receivers are all out for the season. He was throwing it to white guys all day long, that's how many injuries they have on that team. They're all the way down to the white receivers people and I know what you're going to say, what about Wes Welker? All right, Wes Welker, that white dude who played for Denver, there's not a lot you know, but slowly but surely I don't know if you've noticed the white guy is making a little bit of inroads back into some, what do they call those positions? Performance or speed positions, you know, there's a couple of white running backs. Did you ever think you were going to see that again? I mean I

couldn't believe it, I'm in St. Louis, people are smoking with in structures and there's a white quarterback thrown to a white wide receiver. It was unbelievable, I was waiting for Larry Zonka to come walking out on the field with that little fucking, you know, the two bars across his face and then that one, the horseshoe he had on top. That's why I don't fucking respect the goddamn 72 Dolphins, they had two white running backs, okay and you go, oh he went undefeated, did you? Who'd you play in the third week? Some group of people from the fucking YMCA, you fucking pricks, what'd you have 14, you have 14, all you had to do was win 14 fucking games, 14 game season, you cheap bastards, oh god that

fucking loss to the Giants still hurts, but you know what feels good? Watching the goddamn Jets lose nine to nothing, I love it, I love it and here the Patriots are right in a rebuilding fucking year, we got a bunch of goddamn kids playing defense, we trade Randy Moss, all these asshole Jets fans are fucking going, oh the Patriots fucking quit with a nervous state going beat the Jets, that's what a great coach Bill Belichick is, all right you fucking assholes, how do you like that? Six and one with a bunch of children playing defense, six and one best record in the NFL, I don't know how the fuck we did it, I gotta admit I'm not gonna believe that we're actually gonna do something unless we beat the Steelers and we play the Steelers

in the Jets and even if we go one and one, if we're competitive then I'm gonna get excited but you know, I don't know, our defense at this point is halfway to being good I feel but I'm telling you don't sleep on the fucking Rams, I should have bet those sons of bitches, I had no idea what was going on down there in St. Louis and they got that maniac, the fuck is his name, number 55 that kid from Ohio State, god damn it what the hell was his name, something itis, his dad's like a professional wrestler, he went in and he got a sack and he did the fucking Hulk Hogan, putting his cup in his ear and then he did the flex and then it was great, it was fucking great, I don't know what, the Jets lost, I'm so fucking excited because

all those assholes and you know what's funny, I didn't get one goddamn fucking email from any of those goddamn Jets fans who've been giving me shit all these weeks, fucking idiots, they're not idiots, you know what they are, they're hopeful sons of bitches, they haven't won in 40 years, they get excited about little things like drafting fucking Mark Sanchez, Sanchez, you know what's going to be the end of the Jets season if one of your unbelievably awesome offensive linemen goes down with an injury, that fucking goddamn mediocre overrated jackass, overrated this week Mark fucking Sanchez, that gay managing jackass, good lord, fucking sitting behind the goddamn Berlin Wall, you could have fucking Rex Grossman

in there and he could throw for 180 yards no picks, you're not impressing me, speaking of that man, I had the fucking Reds, I got my ass handed to me yesterday, thank god I picked the Dolphins, I had the Dolphins getting one in Cincinnati and I love the Dolphins, I love them, they got that fucking defense and the Bengals have been sputtering all fucking years so I said fuck it, I'll take that, so I won that one, then I had the Redskins, Donovan McNabb going into play the Lions, but typical me, I don't read up on sports, I didn't know that their quarterback was coming back for the Lions, I don't even know what his fucking name is, Stafford, something like that, I had no fucking idea, and then when the whole games on the line include my fucking money,

you take Donovan McNabb out and you put in Rex Grossman, the guy that Colt secretly fucking paid off the Bears to be quarterback so Peyton Manning could finally get his fucking ring after they went into the goddamn rule book and changed the rules so Peyton could actually beat the Patriots in the fucking playoffs, playoffs, whatever, I'm just talking shit, I actually took the Colts tonight, as much as I hate it, I'm gonna have to fucking root for the Colts because I could go up two games on Paul Verzi who almost went 0-4 last week, Mr. I Know Sports, Paul Verzi, are you listening? He went 1-3 yesterday and I've gone 1-2 but I have the Colts tonight loving them, loving them to avenge their loss to the Houston Texans, I don't even

know what the fucking spread is because I don't give a shit, I really don't give a shit, I just like pissing people off, let's get on with the podcast, it is November 1st everybody and did you guys all have a nice Halloween, did you have a nice Halloween, did Brett Favre die yesterday, did you guys see that shit, Jesus Christ, he looked like somebody kicked him in the balls from behind, the way he was laying there with his fucking knees up to his, look he was gonna get an enema, it's like what are you doing, dude you own every fucking record out there good and bad, what are you going for the mediocre ones now, I don't understand this guy, it's just walk away, I don't like how he's patting himself on the back too, you know I got hit and that's a hit that

you know I don't think a lot of people would have got up from but you know I had on some Wrangler underwear and I just said fuck it, he is a tough son of a bitch but you know I don't know what he's trying, does his wife hate him at this point, yeah keep playing, I don't give a shit showing your dick to everybody, fuck you, oh here's something that I actually I never even addressed, all right Brett said that that annoyed me and Kobe Bryant a couple months ago when LeBron was doing his big decision thing, when he finally decided to go to Miami, Kobe made this statement, I forget if I brought this up, they asked Kobe if he would have done the same thing and he goes no I wouldn't, I would have stayed and I thought that was kind of cunty, it's like well it's easy for

you to say when you fucking play for the Lakers and they bring all the free agents to you, you know there's been no reason for you to leave your whole fucking career they've been bringing you guys you were playing in Cleveland you would have left Kobe, you almost left because you didn't like Shaq, either he goes or I go, I'm sick of winning championships, his whole fucking career they brought you Shaq, Dennis Rodman, Phil Jackson, Carl Malone, Gary Payton, Robert Ory, Paul Gasol, fucking that dude who choked the people and I don't, I don't watch fucking basketball, who's that guy there, uh Jesus Christ I used to do a bit of bottom, I used to say his name every god damn night, he was Germain O'Neill, slid across the floor, punched that guy in the face,

ah whatever the fuck his name is, LaTrail's fucking third cousin, they've brought you A-list fucking free agencies your entire god damn career, I thought that was a real cunty move for someone who is allegedly LeBron's friend, but how funny is it watching LeBron's people sitting there trying to do damage control with these stupid ass fucking commercials trying to get people to, I don't know what changed their opinion about them, I mean I could really give a shit, it's just like just fucking go play basketball, I don't give a fuck, what would I do? What would I do? I would not even be able to make it on my eighth grade basketball team if I remember correctly, so I don't know what I would do LeBron, I haven't had to make decisions like

anywhere near that level, I don't care, I don't care about you and your talc and powder and your little fucking ritual, I could give a shit, just fucking go out and entertain me I don't need you to try to redo your fucking image, you know, I don't know, so what you can make a hundred billion dollars, don't you have enough, isn't it enough you get free sneakers? I don't even know what I'm talking about people, I'm just fucking thinking about all the shit I have to do for the rest of the day, that's what I'm doing in this podcast right now, I'm cleaning the dirt out of my keyboard and uh, speaking of what you know what I'm dying to do, I'm dying to fucking replace some of the tile in my bathroom, you know, this is the latest thing I'm obsessed with

I'm obsessed with learning how to fix shit around the house because I'm going to buy a house and I'll be fucked if I'm going to pay some fucking mouth-breathing jackass with dickies hanging off his goddamn ass to come in there and overcharge me for parts because he wants to have a fucking kegger that weekend, you know, so if you want to learn how to do shit right, you do it, you do it in the apartment that you live in it, see like my dog clawed up some of the uh, some of the trim around the door and uh, man it's a fucking joke, I'm looking at it going, this is this, this can't be this fucking difficult, I go down to Home Depot, they got pre-cut shit down there, so all I gotta do is get the shit that's the same fucking size, I trim it off the bottom,

make sure it fits, slap it on there right, and who cares if I fuck up, it's not my place, it's all a little bit of pain over it, nobody's gonna notice, my landlord doesn't listen to this podcast does he, no seriously I want to, I want to learn how to fucking do that some of that shit, I already know how to take a toilet out, can take the whole fucking thing apart, I know how to take a fucking sink out now, I don't know how to do that shit, I just watched a couple of YouTube videos, but it gave me confidence, I'm confident with the sink that you, you fucking set down into the counter, that one that you gotta go underneath with, I don't know how, I mean like that's when you're dealing with gravity, I like the one that sits down in it, you can just unhook

everything, and then figure out how to hook it back up later, you know, you go to turn on the hot water and all of a sudden the garbage disposal goes on in the fucking kitchen, I want to learn how to do that shit, but I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, all right let's, let's, let's, let's get to some YouTube videos of the week people, shall we, first one, and these are all going to be on the, the mmpodcast.com, the official website of the Monday morning podcast that is back on iTunes, as you heard earlier with my horrible singing, all right here they all are, and these aren't, these aren't even YouTube videos, these are videos that I got everywhere but YouTube, because everybody's on YouTube, so I'm trying to go a little bit outside the box

with some of the shit that people send me, this is one, oh shit, I didn't know what to fuck to call it, just go to the mmpodcast.com and check this one out, a buddy of mine, stand-up comedian, Rob Cantrell, fucking hilarious, really original guy, comedian, and I think, I think it was the first season of last comic stand that he was on, that's the first time I saw him, and I was like, I like this dude, because he doesn't seem like he's trying to win the competition as much as he's trying to give these people some quality stand-up, and then you had the other guy fucking going around with the goddamn ginsu sword, fucking spinning it around, so of course America votes for him, right, that's how they do it, give me some shiny shit, that's what I'm voting for,

he did a thing about why POT should be legalized in this country, he made a great fucking video that's supposed to, it's supposed to be like the beginning of that movie, Patton, check that one out, there's another one, Dude with Nub, KO's another guy, it's a guy with, yeah, he has only one arm, and then he has part of another arm, and he fucking, he's in, I don't know what they're doing, Muay Thai, and he, Muay, knocks the other guy's fucking ass down under the canvas, next one is Touch My Body Karaoke Fail, with some English subtitles, even though the guy's singing in English, and the last one actually comes from the dude who runs the M.M. Podcast, who, if you want some advice on gambling, this is the guy, he's on a fucking hot streak,

Crazy Racist in Coffee Shop starts yelling at Mexican Dude, so there you go, there's your videos that you can watch while you're at work, or working out, or whatever, I got a lot of emails last week from me imitating those dudes on the corner, so-called white man, that shit, remember that last week, somebody said that impression of the street preacher with the bad PA was spot on and fucking hilarious, there's a guy shouting in Spanish into a blown out PA on the weekends in my neighborhood, there's two churches, there's two churches on every block, and even the immigrants, immigrants, residents, even the immigrant residents, there's all the misspelled here, immigrant residents grimace and give him dirty looks, how do you say quit shouting and fix your

levels in Spanish, that is a reoccurring thing that I have found, straight across the board, when people go out, I don't give a fuck, black, white, Latino, Asian, I don't give a shit, they never have the levels correct in their PA, I think they're so passionate about their politics that they never really, I don't know, and it's such a grassroots, actually when you think about it, do you really think Obama knows how to use a mixer, how old is he, yeah he probably doesn't, he's like fucking, I don't even know how old the guy is, I have not paid attention to politics in, I don't even know when, I have no fucking idea when, I just, whenever I stop talking about conspiracy theory, because I just got so depressed about all of this shit,

you know, started reading up on banking, like here's something interesting here, this is one why I kind of see both sides of this, this guy sent me this letter, he said, Bill listen to this shit, so my wife and I are looking at buying a house, like you, I am not the biggest fan of banks, so instead of putting all my money in a savings account, I have been saving some cash on the side and keeping it in my dresser, yeah there's a smart place to put it, why don't you stick it in the mattress, there's another place, you know, dude if you ever had that money stolen by somebody breaking into your house, that burglar should have been dressed up in the black and white striped shirt with the

loan ranger, I'm a fucking bank robber mask, maybe, maybe you're just saying you put it in your dresser, you actually put it somewhere else, you know, you gotta be a little more creative than that, anyways he says, well when my wife talked to the bank about getting a loan, they asked us our incomes, how much money we saved and how we would be paying our down payment, my wife told them about our savings and everything was fine, she then told them that I had cash saved up on the side, they immediately stopped her and said that the cash could not be used unless there was an explanation for how I got it and a paper trail to back it up, the banks look at your financial history, bank statements and your spending habits to determine if you really

could save however much cash you actually have, since some of my money is cash, I've won from poker games and old stuff I sold on Craigslist, Craigslist, I have no paper trail for it, the only way that I can now use it for our house is to get my parents to lie and write a note explaining to the bank that they gave me the money as a gift and I'm not sure if that will work because I don't know if they will check my parents bank records to confirm that, the whole policy is bullshit, I understand that the banks fucked up and had to foreclose on a lot of people and they want to make sure that I'm not paying for a house with drug money, but come on, this essentially means that if I'm walking down the street and find $20,000 in cash in an alley, take it and try to use it

as a down payment, the banks won't let me because there's no record of how I got it, this whole ordeal really pisses me off and I'm pretty sure it goes back to what you were trying to say about how the government is trying to phase out cash money, no that doesn't, that's one of those double standard things that they do, where you have to produce all this paper trail stuff to show that you're not a piece of shit, but they on the other hand, the Federal Reserve I'm talking about, they've never been audited and we gave them a trillion dollars bailout money and it just disappeared into thin air, they can't say who got it or where it went and they're not being audited, but you on the other hand, you know, you sell an old skateboard and your original fucking

PlayStation, you win some money down the street in a poker tournament, none of that shit, you're supposed to pay taxes on all of that shit and if you found $20,000 coming down the street, what you're supposed to do, you're supposed to report it, bring it down to the police station and hope that those fucking guys don't dip into it and I guess after a certain amount of days, it legally becomes yours but then you have to pay taxes on it and all that shit and after the fees you're probably left with anywhere from eight to ten grand, that's how you're legally supposed to do it and what's annoying to me is that you and I are up, we're held to those legal fucking standards but banks are not, banks are supposed to be watching our money, keeping it safe and they for basically, I don't

know how many goddamn years, we're loaning it out to fucking homeless people given six-figure loans to them and lo and behold, when these fucking people defaulted on their goddamn loans and the whole thing went into the shitter, the government fucking bails them out, they're like, we're too big to fail, they fucking bail them out, they keep the bailout money and now they added all these county surcharges to your account and my account so yeah, that's, I don't know, this is what you do if you have cash on the side, use it for shit that you can actually pay for in cash, I guess I mean or save it in case your bank ever goes belly up and there's a run on your bank, you won't be sitting there with your pockets turned inside out going, can I at least have some yogurt?

but yeah, it is practically, the more you read about banking, you'll start to understand why corporations and or super rich like, you know, the entrepreneurs, why these guys have offshore accounts and all that type of shit because these guys basically, I think, read up on banking, which you would have to, you read up on the tax laws and you see how the whole game is played, you see who gets penalized and who doesn't and you start thinking, Jesus is fucking ridiculous, so let me get this straight, when I get to this level of wealth, all of a sudden um, rules don't apply to me, okay, well let me work my ass off to get to that level, oh wait, I can't because I keep taxing the shit out of me, oh I get it, I gotta do some,

there will be blood shit, I mean I'm really overly simplifying the whole fucking thing, but that's basically how it goes down, I mean that bank is not going to take that risk on you, you know, I got some cash on the side, that's actually good banking, you can't have somebody just coming to be like, hey listen, I got to be really stereotypical, now I'm going to be Italian, I already shit on fucking Southerners, why not do an Italian stereotype, hey I got, I got good credit and I got this 50 grand on the side, where did I get it, hey why don't you let me worry about that, all right, you know, I, you know, somebody else actually sent me something about banks here, hang on one second, let me read this and annoying more people who actually

majored in economics or economics, however the fuck you say it, here we go, here we go, let me read up on this shit here, you guys getting bored with this shit, well I don't give a fuck, all right, I do give a fuck, but I didn't care, I wouldn't be asking, but I'm going to continue, hey Bill, I've been thinking about something, you said about taxes on your podcast, it was about you trying to build up a pile of cash and how the government, government's hitting you up for tax money at every opportunity, yeah that's my thing, I'm trying not to put money in the stock market, I'm just trying to stick it in the bank or whatever and they just tax the living shit out of me, but if I stick it on the crap table, right, which the fucking stock market is, if I throw it

in there, then they have no problem with it, then all of a sudden they give me a tax break, hey get over here and play the fucking game, oh, so anyways, that's anyways, let me get back to this, they're hitting you up for tax money for every opportunity, but that there are rich fucks out there who've already got theirs, so they don't want to get, they don't want anyone to get rich after them, there really is something to that, yeah they gotta, they gotta, they have to keep you, they can't have people making fucking money and actually being able to keep it, because if, if they do, then nobody would work, we would just fucking kick back and relax and maybe have a chance to enjoy ourselves, maybe sit by his stream in the lotus position or whatever the fuck it is you

want to do, they want you to run on the wheel until you're fucking drooling and then they want whoever you created to then take care of you in a nursing home and then if you can't, they just want you to die, I twigged, I don't know what that means, I twigged on to this about a year ago when I was having a discussion with a friend about progressive income tax, he seemed to think that it takes from the rich to give to the poor and that progressive income tax is anti-capitalist, it's not though, because I don't even know what the fuck any of this means here, because earned income tax are always higher than rates on dividends and capital gains income, I mean I could, I could read that much slower, because earned income tax rates are higher than rates on dividends and

capital gains income, okay so basically money that you already have that's being invested, tax rate is lower than someone who's out there earning, the non-working heir or heiress who survives on dividends and capital gains from a family fortune like a Paris Hilton, their income tax is at a much lower percentage than a working person with an equivalent income, so basically if you're sitting around in your ass, you're some fucking lucky rich kid, the money that you're, that you basically inherited, that you are earning off of the there will be blood great grandfather that you had, the tax rate will be lesser for the Paris Hilton kid than someone like me if I could earn, if I was earning that same amount of money, does that make sense, make sense to me,

I hope I explained that in the way you understand it, all right the system punishes work and reward rewards ownership with tax rates that provide incentives for one kind of economic activity over another, I based this on my experience with my Canadian, this guy wrote with my the Canadian system and before I emailed you I had to use Wikipedia to confirm that the U.S. system works pretty much the same way and right there this entire email gets thrown out the window, Wikipedia sir, what are you fucking me, maybe it does make sense on the podcast, let's go with this Wikipedia information, the worst part of it is that by implication work is less valuable than capital, the woman making eight dollars an hour at Walmart is paying the same percentage of income

tax as the Walmart heirs pay on their dividend, a medical doctor however pays more than twice as much and the doctor is patching up the sick and wounded, the incentives in the systems are all wrong so you're basically saying the borderline poverty person and the rich people are paying the same amount of taxes and the guys in the middle are getting the shit taxed out of them, yes exactly, exactly, that is my fucking life, god damn it, I have to hit pause here people, I gotta blow my nose, hang on a second, all right I'm back, sorry about that, you know what happened to me, I was eating a bowl of wheat checks too fast and I didn't chew up the wheat checks enough so they went down it was like swallowing chewing tobacco and it got sort of like

there was just like a bunch of like you know it was in the back of my throat so I was like I did that and it some of it went up into my nose so it was actually wheat checks what I'm having a rough Monday you never started your wheat off your week off with some wheat checks in your nose, wheat checks a healthy part of the checks family, let me tell you guys I'm a big fan of the uh check cereals I like wheat checks I like corn checks I don't like rice checks you know what I mean it's like a fucking bad movie it's just weak it's just a weak cereal you know I don't like those cereals that are like oh my god milk that's what that's what rice checks does it just fucking it's a quitting cereal you know corn checks has some fighting them

corn checks are like the jets wheat checks are like the patriots wheat checks are of course the strongest ah you green mother fuckers you lost this week how do you like that nine to nothing I love the overpaid for your fucking tickets and your brand new fucking subletted apartment with the that the giants own you know what they roll out a little bit of jet signage do you really think that you own 50% of that do you really think that you sons of bitches what was it like to go to that boring ass fucking game kick three nothing j e t s what the fuck another couple of fucking hours of boring football kick six nothing j e t s what the fuck right kick nine nothing go home did the fireman cry this week oh i love it

overrated talking shit before the season even starts like you just won three super bowls in a row underrated having your stomach stapled rex ryan is getting better looking every fucking week son of a bitch kind of has a jawline now doesn't he um all right just to be fair um I got to make fun of Celtics fans uh overrated chanting overrated when you're up by 11 with eight minutes left against the miami heat did you guys watch that game then all of a sudden they all they started roaring back and all the felt Celtics fans just shut the fuck up and then once the game was was decided with 12 seconds left they started chanting overrated again that was a real fucking bitchy mood that was real bitchy yeah that I didn't I did I was embarrassed to be associated with that

franchise all right who's the moron who's too started that chant um all right that was if that was it was just a quick little riff of underrated overrated um underrated having your own fucking jet airplane with a big bed in the back and a giant seatbelt you know beautiful woman to sit on your dick and a fucking ivy to put you to sleep you just wake up in new york that's all I want it's all I want you know it's all I want out of this business I don't need I don't need much I gotta fly to New York people I'm going to New York on uh Tuesday night take the red eye back to that motherfucker and I'm doing a benefit for the troops playing the beacon theater with uh believe it or not this is this is the lineup on this show it's going to be beamed to three different

bases in iraq and three different bases in afghanistan john steward is hosting tony Bennett is uh I'm assuming he's singing I don't think he's doing stand up uh Jerry Seinfeld Bruce Springsteen Joe McHale myself and I think a couple of other people all I'm doing is eight minutes but uh I can't wait man it's gonna be uh well I don't I don't want to do the flight but it's gonna be fucking awesome that's Wednesday I'm flying out that's why I'm telling you I got all the shit to do today because I got to uh you know I just landed here last night I got to do the fucking podcast I have an audition today I'm pitching a fucking show today I got to uh pay my fucking bills it's the first of the month I got to do all that fucking horseshit and then I got to

jump right back on a plane tomorrow you know it's one of those fucking weeks speaking of that dude I flew out to st louis last week and there was some woman who was clearing her throat about like twice a minute from like I would guess about Utah to just into Kansas she had this exact same way of doing it and I swear to god I have never prayed for my own plane to crash before but that was one of those moments I didn't want it to crash you know I was just fantasizing that like there was a crack in the fuselage you know and it's that woman just got sucked out so as I was fantasizing about this this is how fucking crazy I took it I actually reached down and I tightened my seatbelt and I mentally went over how to put that fucking mask on my face

before I helped the infant or child next to me I saw you know it was really disgusting no way she was clearing a throat she was talking really loud on her cell phone just everything about her was annoying and whenever I see a person like that the first thing I do is I look for a wedding ring you know and when I don't see one I think thank god and when I when I do see see one I actually feel bad for the man or woman that is married to that you know how could it just like and actually I came up with like a philosophical question you know that those dole secchi commercials the most interesting man in the world what do you think would happen here's here's one for the the pot smokers out there

all right what do you think would happen if the most interesting man in the world met the most annoying woman on the planet all right I want you to know I want you to tell me what you think would happen because I couldn't come up with an answer to that question you know he is the most interesting man in the world well I would like you to meet this cunt who was sitting diagonally fucking behind me oh speaking of that underrated fucking movie uh McGroober did anybody rented that I don't know if you'd be happy if you paid to go see it at theater but fucking you know unless you have a silly sense of humor like me because I would enjoy that if I saw it in the theater look at me even when I try to compliment something I say in a

dick way I think this is a funny fucking movie uh with a couple of really insane monologues in it and uh not to ruin anything spoiler alert spoiler alert I had to bring this up the last name of the the bad guy in the movie is cunt and I'm assuming it's spelled with a k k u n t z or something but it's you know we got we have to get cunt I don't know it's soft mark it's fucking hilarious it's one of those movies you want to watch with a female in the room because you'll just be going this is stupid do you really think this is funny oh my god that's gross which will just make it so much more funnier Mcgrubber two thumbs up for me baby all right this podcast is all over the place let's move on to

the next one uh the advice section why you would ask me for advice I don't know okay here we go I started listening to your podcast about three months ago and I really like it thank you I was inspired to buy a couple of your albums on iTunes thank you now if you ever hear me bitching about people fucking downloading shit I'm not talking about you or being cheap cunts it's not you uh I love your comedy my whole life and recently I sacked up and went on stage for a five minute spot for an open night open mic night at a local comedy club here in Portland Portland I was really impressed by the people that showed up many of them were talentless dickholes but at least

they have the guts to get on stage and for that they deserve some credit well thank you sir thank you for fucking extending that olive branch to them um so I got up there in front of a whopping 15 people uh one of which was my girlfriend and talked some shit it was I was pretty nervous but my voice was steady and I was energetic but most importantly I got people laughing there you go it's all you gotta do it might not seem like much but I I had a high like no other I might stick with it basically I write down a few prompts now this isn't me people I swear to god I know I suck at reading but just the way that some of this shit is written I'm gonna read this basically the way this guy wrote it or actually exactly the way he wrote it I might stick with it basically

I write down a few prompts out for stories and quips and go to town I feel like open mic nights might be the only way to get some chops doing my bits for friends or two into a mirror doesn't have the same effect as a bunch of strangers I'm gearing up to put some hard work into my act I would like any tips on how you get you got your chops and how you practice your act all right couple things yeah yeah you can't run it by your friends to do it in the mirror um you can maybe say it a few times in the way of the club just so you can kind of get the flow of it but yeah the only way to do it is to do open mic so uh you know I would do that just do that and I would also drop the attitude that people who are starting out are talentless dickholes they're not they're

fucking you know if you saw me when I started out you would have thought that this guy sucks because I did suck because I was brand new at it so you don't want to do that and for all you know the those air quote talentless dickholes will someday be in a position in this fucking business where they could actually hook you up with something so I cannot stress how important it is to have good relationships with fellow comedians and everybody in this fucking business that you can't I'm not saying that you take it to the point that you will actually allow somebody to walk all over you and treat you like shit I'm not saying that but don't walk around judging people that a fucking thing cut out on me again god damn it I'm sorry I've been I'm putting together a new

hour of comedy and I have a bunch of stand-up sets on my fucking recorder that I never end up listening to something else sir that you might want to do if you're doing stand-up is to record yourself and listen to yourself so you can become better as a comedian but the key is you got to listen to them anybody can record them and then just leave them on their fucking tape player or their fucking digital recorder whatever the hell you call this goddamn thing um yeah that's what I would I would tell you that man seriously like you will be absolutely fucking amazed with with the people that you think are going to do something and don't and the people who you're like ah that person I don't know I don't think they're going to do shit and all of a sudden they're directing a movie

they're the head writer on something they create a show uh who knows what you don't know what anybody is going to do so uh yeah you know so I wouldn't walk around I mean I'm sure you're just writing that maybe to make me laugh or something but I'm just putting that out there all right because I've seen people act like cunts and then get treated accordingly by these people that they thought were uh beneath them or whatever it's it's just the worst fucking thing that you can do in any any in life in general treating someone else like uh like shit or whatever I don't uh I don't understand why people it really makes your life a lot more difficult and uh someday when you die you know like there's going to be the only people only people at your funeral is going to be you

know the the fucking two guys the guy who drives the truck and the guy who digs the hole or the hearse I should say um yeah so that's that's the advice I would give you keep doing the open mics um keep writing stuff tape record yourself and uh you know and then and then be a good guy be a good guy but then you know be a good guy within reason I mean like I said don't don't that don't take shit from people and then also try to try to be hanging with the people who seem the most motivated most positive that type of shit because you'll get caught up in it and uh yada yada fucking yada that's basically it so we're coming to the close here of the podcast another kind of short one this week just because uh I do have so much shit to do here um congratulations to the rangers

and the giants for your first world series uh giants are up three games to one and I was getting nervous for giant fans I actually uh I don't mind ranger or the giants I have no problem with either one of them but I was getting nervous for the giant fans when they were up two games to none and then the rangers came back and won one game and I was like uh god in a lot of ways the giants are kind of like how the red sox were except they're in the national league you know how the red sox were back in the day where it was not only do they not win they have to rip your fucking heart out to and uh I don't know at the risk of pissing off ranger fans I think the giant fans yeah I think they've had I think they've had about enough I think it's time for the sports gods to let

them up off the mat give my goddamn world series and ranger fans who are you kidding who are you honestly fucking kidding you know you're all cowboy fans you know if the cowboy's record was flipped right now and tony roma was living up to the potential you know you know you wouldn't be selling out those world series games now I'm gonna fuck you I'd like to ranger since fucking uh who was that who was that fucking who was that guy buddy something or buddy bell that come here jackass who played third base um he's not a jackass it just sounds funny I'm trying to think of guys who played for the rangers when I was growing up what the fuck was it somebody wrote something funny on the internet about how

uh 10 years ago when the rangers signed a rod to a 200 million dollar contract he vowed to one day lead them to the world series and when he struck out looking on the New York Yankees he finally delivered on that promise oh bill you're such a cunt I know I am I am a cunt um I actually watched the Patriots game in this uh the sports bar uh in st. Louis and there was this fucking old guy in there who was basically he had like like nine sports buttons on his shirt he had this little glow stick with him and he's one of those guys when he he yelled but it still wasn't loud he just kept going whoa the Patriots uh were the cheaters but we always win whoa and everybody was ignoring him and anything the Patriots did was awesome like this

fucking shanks this punt right right up the side of his foot for the Patriot as the ball is dropping to his foot the guy's going oh what a kick whoa he's he's pissing off everybody in the sports bar but he's too fucking old to punch in the face but this is what killed me about this guy was the people around me go he he fucking comes here every week he's unbelievably annoying and the worst thing is is he has he's fans of like six different football teams like he's a fan of the Patriots the bills and the dolphins they're all in the same fucking division and he's a fan of the Kansas City uh chiefs so the bills play the chiefs so no matter what he can't lose and he just sits there the whole game oh what a throw oh what an interception like he just wants to win the entire

fucking time long story short i had to take a picture with the guy because he started off cute you know what a cute old man and then at one point um if i was if i was drinking i would have engaged with this dude during the second quarter and been like hey how the fucking you be fans of every fucking team you old cunt i would have done that but fortunately i'm not drinking so it took me until the fourth quarter where i started to give him shit but then in the back of my head i was like really bill are you really going to get into it with this old guy um but by the end of it he was just kind of hilarious so i actually took a picture with the guy and i'm going to have that uploaded onto the mmpodcast.com and uh what else do i got i got a hype a few gigs here before i before i sign

off in this part this podcast was an absolute clusterfuck i apologize i had high hopes for it but uh you know like a lot of things in life it just doesn't work out um all right what do we got here all right i'm gonna be at the funny bone in columbus this is really one of these podcasts that i would have stopped and restarted 10 minutes into it but i just don't have the fucking time all right bill we've heard your excuses you have to mop your kitchen floor nobody gives a fuck all right i'm gonna be at the the funny bone in columbus ohio friday saturday sunday november 12 13th and 14th and i'm gonna try to go to that ohio state penn state game that's my big uh i don't want to be bored shitless at the mall in columbus move that i'm gonna be making

the following week i will be in washington dc at the lisner auditorium and that's on a friday november 19th on november 20th i'll be at comics at foxwoods in connecticut i get a lot of emails from people from connecticut being like do when you come into fucking connecticut i'm gonna be there it's a beautiful new room uh everybody's been raving about it all the comedians who perform there so come on down check out my new hour and then finally this is the one i need your help on look into your hearts i am playing the more theater in seattle washington all right for those of you unfamiliar with the more theater it is a legendary theater in uh seattle washington um i guess rock fans grunge fans remember that pearl jam video

i think it was even flow even flow when uh eddie vetter is is uh climbing out into the crowd and fucking jumping off the balcony and stepping on people's heads and shit uh that's where they filmed that and i have to sell a lot of fucking tickets i'm a third of the way there so if you and some of your drunk buddies want to come down for the love of god please come down to the show because uh i got a ton of tickets to sell in and clear channel i don't know what they've done to radio but they've they've taken off you know my guy up there was marty reamer which i heard he has a podcast now if you live in seattle fuck those radio stations that took him off listen to his podcast because hopefully i'm going to be doing that to hype my show uh i'm kind of running

out of ways to hype shows now with what they're doing to radio for those of you out of the loop i think clear channel basically wants to have four djs for the entire country and uh you walk into these radio stations now they don't even have a receptionist they have an automated system for you to figure out how to uh get to where you're going out on it's you know yet another thing and i'm sure you people who are all for these kinds of technologies like i love when people like try to support those automated checkout lines like they always say the same thing you know and you stand there looking at this poor bastard behind the fucking registry you mean that person with the fucking job you really want to see him be a poor bastard what would you rather

be a poor bastard behind a fucking uh cash register or a poor bastard you're fucking homeless and don't have a goddamn job i hate when people do like dumb shit like that just to try to enhance their fucking point if you fucking believe in that technology support the technology don't start saying what the person behind the fucking register is thinking even though i'm doing the same goddamn thing but i think i can go out on a limb and say that most people would rather have a fucking job than be homeless all right a lot of yelling this week bill as opposed to what every other quiet week um and then the final two gigs of this year before i take my month off and i begin my martial arts classes joking um i'm going to be a cobs comedy club in san francisco uh

december 2nd 3rd 4th and 5th and i'm going to be at the improv in brea california the 16th 17th 18th and 19th of december uh come on down this new hour is starting to take shape actually had some guy come up to me uh this weekend in st louison was like that was absolutely hilarious i didn't think it was as funny as let it go but i i liked it it's like thank you sir well it's not done yet you know thank you for starting to compliment me and then giving me a little dig hey you look great you're not as fat as you used to be um all right and this guy hey he really had a pudgy face he really did he had one of those he was a white dude but he was like so fat he was starting to look asian you know what i mean when you get so fat your eyes like that uh that precious

girl you know you know when the fat just starts building up on your cheeks all of a sudden you know that's how you start to look wouldn't that be an incredible way to sell some fat burning products are you so fat that you're starting to look asian in your eyes even though you're not well listen that is offensive well line up behind the italians in the southerners that's what this podcast was this week i'm trying to get fired from my own podcast i'm trying i want a lot of complaints and have people say that i need to apologize um to different groups of people so that i can be fired for my podcast because i think i need a fucking vacation from this shit i really do no i don't

actually love doing this shit i just got too much shit to do this week so that's it that's the end of this fucking podcast i'm uploading it i apologize for my singing i apologize for the scatterbrained uh podcast that this was but i think i think i like to think that there was some moments it was a good rental anyways that's it and thanks to everybody who's been uh buying the uh the og just ringtone on the mm podcast if you want to donate to the podcast 99 cents look into your heart go to the mmpodcast.com and download the og's ringtone i'm actually getting a new cell phone this week i was going to try to hold out for the new iphone when it's uh not the new iphone the iphone when it switches over to verizon but my blackberry is shitting the bed i can't get emails

on it and uh the letter n doesn't work anymore unless i fucking sprain my thumb pushing it down and uh i think i'm gonna get that droid phone what do you guys think about that one is that a good one i want verizon i want to stay with with verizon because as far as where i travel i'm gonna get the droid i should have just gone out and gotten the fucking thing and just had you guys shit all over me that it's a bad goddamn phone as opposed to now where i'm gonna get like 50 different opinions like dude do not get the droid it fucking sucks get this phone um yeah i have verizon keep that in mind suggest a smartphone for me okay that is it thank you one and all i hope you guys have a great god damn week and uh and that is it that is it that is the park god jesus christ what a horrible

ending and that is it really bill really yeah that's all i got this week all right i'll talk to you next week um you you you