Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-10-16

Episode Date: November 10, 2016

Bill rambles about celebrity pundits, crying adults and orange toupees....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm checking in on you.
Starting point is 00:00:41 I'm just checking in on you. I really need to check in on you. At least half of you, a little less than half. Oh, Jesus. Make sure you guys are right. There's a lot of crying going on out there. Jesus fucking Christ. I've never seen so many fucking adults crying in my life. What is with all the fucking crying? I get it. Your person didn't win, but Jesus Christ. You're making the left look horrible. Oh, I'm going to Canada. I love this shit where people are like threatening like Cher. Cher goes, if Trump wins, I'm going to go to Canada. It's like, who gives a fuck?
Starting point is 00:01:23 You know, I didn't even know you was still here. Look, I'm not saying I'm happy. I wasn't happy with either one of these people. All right, but the level of fucking arrogance of celebrities during all of this shit was just at such a whole other level. Do you realize how fucking arrogant you are that you're making this? Basically, you're threatening that if your candidate doesn't get in, you're going to leave the country and your ego is so fucking big. You think somebody's going like, well, I want to vote for Trump, but if he gets elected, we lose Cher. I got you, babe. The fuck out of here.
Starting point is 00:02:13 All right, Barbara Streisand, really? You're going to leave fucking Malibu to go live in Manitoba? Really? Fucking... Go ahead and do it. I'll give you 40 bucks for your house. That ought to get you 9,000 fucking acres up there. Go ahead, go move up to Yellowknife. The dumbest shit. But I literally think that's the level of ego that you have to have as an actor, a comedian, or something like that, literally to...
Starting point is 00:02:44 I mean, I know, I guess I talk about it, but I fuck around, I trash people. I never told you guys who to vote for or whatever. I just trashed them both. I tried to evenly, but that fucking level that people take it to where they just start... I kind of... I was on Conan last night, which was a really difficult show to do last night because, you know, people are like fucking stunned out here. They can't believe it, as they can't believe it in San Francisco, Berkeley, fucking New York City, and all that type of shit. So it was kind of weird. It was like going on like right after a funeral, I felt. But I really think, this is just my own opinion, what do you guys think about celebrities endorsing a candidate? Because I think the candidates, they also kind of reach out to people a little bit, like...
Starting point is 00:03:41 I've never understood that, like why would I be like... You know, who are some of the people, you know, some of the fucking people that have done it, like I just don't understand. Oh, oh, you know, I was going to vote this way, but the guy from My Three Kings told me to do... Oh, the movie where he tries to get the sky miles, the guy who did the movie about this guy getting the sky miles, is telling me this should be the person to lead the free world. You know, I got a lot of feelings on gun control, but let me check in with Sean Penn first, see what he has to say. The level of fucking arrogance that you have to have. I don't know, it's a fine line because it's like, all right, well, it's good that they're involved politically,
Starting point is 00:04:25 but like, you know, there's a lot, once you're famous, then they're actually going to put a camera on you, then you're going to start talking, you know, it's the same thing. It's when you become a huge fan of your team, you're a big fan of your team, right? And you know, you're always sitting up in the nosebleeds and then all of a sudden you get a part on a sitcom and then they got you sitting down there and then your team's doing well. And next thing you know, they're sticking the microphone in the face of an actor, right? To be or not to be. Hey, what do you think Buffalo has to do here in the second half?
Starting point is 00:04:56 Well, I'd like to see you checking down a little bit. It's like, I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you know what, in defense of celebrities, regular people do the same thing on the news and they get away with it because you don't know what their names are. You see it all the time on these, you know, when you watch the news, if you ever watch the news, they always go, we went out on the street to ask people what they thought about this new target that's going up. I think it's going to take away jobs. You know, I just think the downtown area, we don't need that.
Starting point is 00:05:32 There's always that fucking person, right? So maybe that's what it is. That's that person is no different than any of those other people. It's just, I don't know. I think once you get to a certain level, you kind of need to gracefully shut the fuck up. All right. Having said that, can anybody explain to me why they're making such a big deal about the transition of power here as far as, you know, we hope that it's going to be graceful.
Starting point is 00:06:02 We hope that it's going to be when Obama came in, George Bush was very grace gracious. He was very blood. They all, they all were by entire life. I've never, you know, Reagan did knock on the White House door and Jimmy was just like, hey, get the fuck out of here. We don't want any. There's literally cameras on. That's another thing too. There's cameras filming you as this transition happens.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Everybody, everybody's always, you know, you're going to be grace gracious. They know, well, you look, you know, they don't like each other. You know, this one's going to be particularly fucking weird. You know, considering the sizable overtly racist individuals that, you know, I don't know what the fuck they were hearing, but they gravitated towards Trump. So considering, you know, Barack being the first black president to now let this guy into, I don't know, according to people I hear, I don't even fucking looked it up was endorsed by the Klan. This is just fucking nuts.
Starting point is 00:07:12 Well, that's it. That was the end. It's the end and now it's over and now everybody can fucking move on. And, you know, I got, I did Conan last night. I think, I think it went as well as it could have gone. And then of course, you know, I got people giving me shit. You know, I was trying to say, look, whoever's president, it's not really going to affect my fucking day to day. Then of course, yeah, it's because you're fucking white guy.
Starting point is 00:07:38 It's like, I get it. I get it. I get it. But your day to day, your day to day, this is my, and this is supposed to be uplifting, by the way. All right. Knowing full well that the world isn't fair. Okay. And that some people start way closer to the finish line than others.
Starting point is 00:07:56 That's just how it is. All right. And there's advantages and disadvantages to that. You know, if you got to run further, you always think that other guy, oh, yeah, he's fucking. He's all he's got to do is just fucking go right from there to there. Right. And you see all these fucking rich kids. They got drug fucking problems because they have no worries in life.
Starting point is 00:08:15 They're fucking rattlers and all that type of shit. Everybody wants to think if you feel these stinking fucking rich that you just skip around and your life is fucking awesome. I've done enough corporate gigs to see that there's not a lot of happiness over there. They're fucking we really rich people. I got to tell you out in Malibu, you know, Nia always wants to go out to Malibu. She loves the fucking beach and we go out there and there's fucking, you know, the seaside restaurants and shit, you know, which are cool.
Starting point is 00:08:46 It's great. You fucking watch people surfing. It's awesome. You go out. You have a couple of crab legs and then you get the fuck out of there, but there's a mall over there. All right. The Malibu mall, whatever the fuck you go over there.
Starting point is 00:08:56 And I'm just telling you the people over there, I cannot put my finger on it. They are fucking weird, really rich people. There's some sort of fucking disconnect. I don't know what's going on with them. They just, I said to Nia, I go, what is, what the fuck is with these people? There's no vibe. There's no laughing. What's going on here?
Starting point is 00:09:17 And she just, she goes, they're bored. I think that's what it is. I don't know. I did gigs way back in the day. I did some gigs out on the Hamptons, another place with like super rich people and they just fucking weird. They just sit there and they all look at each other. They're looking you up and down.
Starting point is 00:09:38 Like I showed up and immediately they were just like, all right, this guy's in here for the day. He's a day tripper. Look at his fucking sneakers. Look at his fucking orange afro. Nobody's red hair makes it in this world before they met Donald Trump. How the fuck did he go from a brunette to fucking looking like me in seventh grade? I don't understand it.
Starting point is 00:09:59 Anyways, but yeah, you make your own fucking opportunity. And I think, you know, as depressing as that is, I always looked at that like, I don't know, I always try to see like what the fuck I can do. I just can't believe all the names that I'm hearing now. Jesus Christ, Newt Gingrich, Rudy Giuliani, these fucking guys are coming back. Jesus Christ. That's like that Stallone movie where he took all the fucking action heroes from back in the day, Segal, and they all got the one last fucking thing unless it's a hit.
Starting point is 00:10:34 Then we'll make like three of them. What was that called? The fucking last gladiator action hero to fucking, I don't know, drink your juice in the hood. What the fuck with the expendables? Yeah, this is like, he's bringing back, this is like the Republican expendables. He's bringing all these guys back, trying to think of another classic name he's got to from way back in the day, something he didn't die.
Starting point is 00:11:01 I don't know, whatever, but you know something, it's over. Get on with your fucking lives and, you know, there's all these protested colleges. I don't know what they're protesting. I don't quite get it. It's like there was an election. It was legal and your person lost. I guess they're just voicing their displeasure with the fact that this guy's in there. Like dude, I cannot fucking believe that the host of the apprentice is now president of
Starting point is 00:11:28 the United States and that people are this excited and hopeful. Half the country is excited and hopeful. You know what I mean? You know, the most amazing thing ever are broke ass people that are Republicans. That's the most amazing fucking thing on the planet. So you guys in guys, he's going to make it great again for you. All right. Please keep checking in on me throughout the years.
Starting point is 00:11:53 I want to know how your life individually will become great again. Oh, this country will become great again. So then your life will be great again. All those fucking people who are galloping sideways. I love how he wants to fucking, he doesn't want to have healthcare, but he wants to build a fucking wall from California to Mexico. Oh, how much money is that going to fucking cost? Oh, but the job that's going to create the fuck out of here.
Starting point is 00:12:21 That's a government job. Do you know, bad, all of these fucking, you know, something that's one thing that they'll never police, but that fucking bullshit where these contractors, they get these government jobs to build shit and they charge 10 times the amount that they should. And these politicians just throw the fucking money around and they don't give a fuck or they have to do it, whatever the deal is, you know, like the math on this whole thing. Do you realize like $7 billion was spent to get somebody a job that pays 500 grand a fucking year?
Starting point is 00:12:56 You know why? Because I bet it was, I bet it was a bunch of people that build forms, you know, foundations and shit. That's what, you know, they were like, oh man, I got to get that. I got to, I got to build the wall, man. You know, some guy with the fucking rusted out pickup truck. Dude, if I get that fucking job. All our problems are going to be over.
Starting point is 00:13:18 I'll be building that for the rest of my life. What a fucking crazy goddamn time. You know, everybody wondering how the fuck this happened. I think you know what it is, is people are still digging out of what happened in 2008 and it would have been nice if one of these fucking pussy politicians would have said something about the fucking bankers, you know, I don't know. I don't know. We will see what happens.
Starting point is 00:13:46 But yeah, boy, I'll tell you, you know, it was great though, was when I went to go to the elect to vote, I fucking had, I looked through all the fucking propositions, everything I had all my filled it all out like a fucking old lady. And I went in there and I was just like bang, bang, boom, boom, boom. I blew through the whole thing, knew exactly what I wanted to vote for. I actually felt mildly informed this time. So he just showed up in his own fucking plane. This guy's a gangster.
Starting point is 00:14:22 Literally, we shall see. You know what's funny is my wife had on MSNBC. By the way, you know what I was doing during the election? I just kept flipping back and forth to like whoever was losing, I would start watching them. I would put on like CNN, you know, I had on Fox at first in the beginning and once they started looking like they were winning and they were surprised, then I went over to the CNN thing and then I went down to the comedy store and did Doug Stanhope's live podcast. And that was the most amazing election I've ever fucking seen.
Starting point is 00:15:02 I was like, it was riveting. Four hours. It never got boring. And as much as I don't like Trump, I didn't like Hillary either. I have to say watching people crying. White people. I would say white people. If I see somebody of color crying, I'm like, God, Jesus, this is brutal.
Starting point is 00:15:24 But just somebody white crying. I'm still white in America. There was just something funny about that to me. Like people hugging and stuff. Blew my mind. Blew my mind. How many people just still look at Hillary Clinton like she's not a complete dishonest piece of shit.
Starting point is 00:15:46 And like the best I could get anybody to say is like, yeah, but they're all like that. All right. Are you guys done? I'm done. Enough with this shit. All right. Let's watch the gracious. The Obama's, they were, they, they shook hands.
Starting point is 00:16:01 They were very gracious. And this is what makes the United States, the United States, this, this peaceful passing of power. And this is what makes the Americas, the United States of America. I don't know why this is like such an amazing fucking thing. This is just like just a different head that's owned by the same, what fucking 20 corporations outbiddle with your hacky conspiracy theory. But isn't it?
Starting point is 00:16:29 Isn't that what it is? Well, isn't it? Um, anyways, let's move on, everybody, let's move on to a little bit of bread and circus there. Um, so this guess what just went on sale, everybody. Um, as of yesterday, promoted on the Conan show, uh, Conan O'Brien show, um, the fifth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit as always at the New York city center. Tickets are already on sale.
Starting point is 00:16:58 Um, once we pay for the house, all the money goes to his, uh, his mother and his family. And, um, it's been such a great event that we do every year. And, um, and has had an amazing effect on, uh, on people's lives that he loved. It's been a great thing. And, um, as I've said year after year, the reason why we do it every year is because I always hate when somebody, somebody passes and it's just like you do like that one fucking benefit. Like, okay, here's a sack of loot.
Starting point is 00:17:32 I hope this will last you for the next 60 fucking years. Um, we all love Patrice so much that we all decided that we were going to do it every year and, um, make sure that, uh, we continued to take care of the people that he was taken care of and the people that he loved. So, um, it is, it is a great cause. It is 100% honest. It's something you can get behind. None of the comedians are going to be dressed in pink.
Starting point is 00:17:57 None of that shit, you know, it'll be a, uh, it'll be a great thing. And, um, I'm also doing, uh, the come, come home benefit with Dennis Leary Cam Neely, uh, this weekend and, um, oh, oh Jesus, oh Jesus did fucking Billy red face by some cigars. Holy fucking shit. I've never, uh, smoked these before, but, um, I'm not going to tell you where I got them. I'll see. I took a picture of them here.
Starting point is 00:18:25 I actually left them down in the fucking humor door there. Dude, why is this fucking phone so difficult with me? Um, a reality TV show star people with an orange toupee is now going to be the leader of the free world. That's what you did. And half of the country feels good about it. I can't fucking believe it. Oh, Jesus.
Starting point is 00:18:51 You know what it is? It's just none of it is really that funny. It's just not funny. The whole thing was just fun. How the fuck, hey, on the right and the left people, how the fuck did we end up with those two? How did that happen? I just kept thinking back, but like all the fucking candidates just stunk.
Starting point is 00:19:10 God they stunk. Look at that cutie pie in her camel hair coat. What the fuck is she doing? What are you talking about? Um, sorry, I got on MSNBC here. Where the hell is the goddamn camera here? All right, there it is. There it is.
Starting point is 00:19:23 Okay, it's, ah, fuck, it's a blurry goddamn picture. I'm old. Hoyo del, ah, fuck. I can't read it. I took a blurry picture of it. Then I thought if I, if I zoomed in, it would somehow get better. Um, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, sorry, sorry again.
Starting point is 00:19:51 The fuck is it? Oh, there it is. Okay. Hoyo de Monterey. No, Monterey, Siri, La Jolla, apologies to anybody Latino. Listen to this. 56 ring gauge. It's like a fucking two hour smoke.
Starting point is 00:20:07 I got a fucking box of those goddamn things and I'm bringing it to comics, come home and I'm hoping, ah, there's going to be some cigar smokers there. Um, oh, it's going to be such a great event, going to be a great event. So anyways, I have not been paying attention to shit, ah, been editing my new fucking special and I'm probably going to add another fucking stand update while I'm out here as I'm waiting for my kitchen to get done, which still is not done. It was supposed to be done by now, but then, you know, we ran into the cloth wiring. So, ah, you know, and then the place we were staying at the haunted fucking house, the
Starting point is 00:20:42 person who owned it came back. So now we're, we're in a hotel and, um, it has a little kitchen, right? So I keep saying the Nia, you know, it's fucking hilarious. It has this little kitchen and it has pots and pans, but it has no spatula, had nothing that you could fucking cook with. It's hilarious. They just had like the, the pants and, um, so I was like, oh, I see that fucking game plan.
Starting point is 00:21:07 They're going to act like there's a kitchen and they're not going to give me any fucking shit. You know, they're going to have a couple of props. This looks like a goddamn like sitcom kitchen. They got a couple of glasses up front and then there's like nothing else. Even like the cereal bowls are like so fucking shallow. It's like a, it's like a deep plate. You know, you pour a little bit of milk and it's already going over the sides.
Starting point is 00:21:27 So I drove back to my house and got all my fucking, um, tongs and spatulas and all that type of shit. And now I'm viewing it like, um, I'm going to try to beat them at their own game, right? Cause you know, staying at a hotel is fucking expensive, right? So Nia keeps wanting to order a goddamn room service. And I keep saying to her, I was like, Nia, every time we eat in the kitchen, all right, the terrorists lose. Okay.
Starting point is 00:21:50 This, this is a victory for us. I fucking, I've, I've not enjoyed food the way I have. When you are in a fucking hotel and you actually buy food, you know, and start cooking up and I made eggs the other day, right? Simple shit. Just filling myself up. I still got that fucking elk that Rogan gave me. You know, I made a little American chop.
Starting point is 00:22:10 So we, with that shit and, um, my wife, she's telling me, right, let's go downstairs. I'll meet you downstairs. You know, they just love like women are hilarious. They just love that whole, the whole scene, right? Oh, they got like a fountain down there and you sit in a sunny area and they have like a little tent. It's nice. Why don't you want to come down and they just wear you down and you just like, cause it's
Starting point is 00:22:40 like fucking nine zillion dollars for fucking eggs. I know, but it's nice. Like a fuck. All right. Fine. All right. Here we go. The NHL.
Starting point is 00:22:54 This is what I was trying to get to. We got the Columbus blue jackets over there. Uh, the Boston Bruins. Maybe I can finally watch a fucking game. You know, maybe that the fucking NHL network here, something. I don't fucking know. I don't even know who the fuck's on our team. All I know is our first line.
Starting point is 00:23:12 As far as I remember was Marshawn, Bergey and, uh, Pasternak and I don't know what the fuck else is on the thing. Bruins four is D more. No idea. Patrice Bergeron. Marcus. We had last year. David Craigie, Brad Marshawn, Balesky's back, Nash, I don't know who the fuck that
Starting point is 00:23:31 is. Jimmy Hayes, Ryan Spoda, T shaller. No idea. Pasternak. Cezarnik. Cezarnik. No idea. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:23:44 Anybody else. I'm going to get Miller Chara, McQuaid and I'm okay. Both millers, the crew, Krug's back, both millers are back, Krug's back, McQuaid, Chara. I don't know, dude. We never fucking recovered, man. Whatever that fucking move was to free up all the salary cap money when we just basically imploded the team with two years into this shit. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:24:12 It just seems like it's, this is, it's the same as like last year as far as like the level that we're at where we're going to, I don't know, Joe Bartnick said it best. He goes, you did the worst fucking thing you could do is you, you, you missed the playoffs on the last day. So you lost all the playoff revenue and then you're going to, and you're not going to be, you didn't suck. So you could be like fucking, you know, Toronto and have a shot at someone like Austin Matthews. You know, whatever the fuck are you going to do as long as the Canadians don't win it.
Starting point is 00:24:45 I'm happy. I'm a happy, happy fucking guy. All right, let's read a little bit of advertising here and then I'm going to give you my predictions for a Trump presidency. What's going to change? How he's going to make it great. He's going to make it great again. All right, a legacy box everybody.
Starting point is 00:25:04 This is, this is the greatest fuck in the world. The legacy box. No, legacy is like passed down, right? He's a legacy. All right. When was the last time you watched home movies, your home movies? If you're like most Americans as a box in your closet of videotapes, film reels and photos that don't get watched or taken out worse.
Starting point is 00:25:25 They are actually deteriorating introducing legacy box a simple and affordable way to get your recorded moments digitally preserved on a DVD or thumb drive. Here's how it works. Load legacy box with your old tapes, films, pictures and audio, audio recordings and send it back. You'll get them back in a couple of weeks on DVD or a convenient thumb drive ready to watch, share and relive. That's pretty cool.
Starting point is 00:25:49 Just make sure if you did a personal porno, you don't accidentally send that legacy box takes care of everything and provides updates at every step of the process. That's why over 250,000 families have used them. The Huffington Post, parents magazine, USA Today and the view are all talking about legacy box. Even Disney has trusted legacy box to digitize their media. And for limited time, go to legacy box.com slash bird to get 40% discount on your order. That's legacy box.com slash bird one more time, legacy box.com slash bird with everyone gathered
Starting point is 00:26:26 for the holidays. Now is the perfect time to share all those old photos and cassettes and home videos. Go to legs. We got it. Lazy box.com slash bird 40% off your fucking discount on your legacy box that I mentioned its legacy box. All right. Joe Rogan's company, everybody on it has a new product is called emulsified MCT oil.
Starting point is 00:26:50 MCT oil is one of the fastest sources of clean fuel for the body and the brain. It's one of the best ways to power up your performance or kickstart a weight management program. There's lots of MCT oil brands out there are there. I've never heard of it, but there's none emulsified none like emulsified MCT oil from on it available in three delicious flavors, the Billy red face flavors, coconut vanilla and strawberry coconut head vanilla skin, strawberry pubes, emulsified MCT oil mixes like a cream easily in your morning coffee without the need for a blender.
Starting point is 00:27:28 No mess. No cleanup. You can even mix it into your favorite foods right now. If you go to audit.com slash bird, you can get on it. It's a emulsified MCT oil for 12% off. That's on it O N N I T.com slash bill to get a emulsified MCT oil for 12% off. And for any reason, if you don't like it, they'll give you your money back. No questions asked.
Starting point is 00:27:50 You've got nothing to lose. Go to audit.com now and get on it. All right. Oh, Jesus. One of our favorite. It's back. It's sold zip. Are you hiring?
Starting point is 00:28:07 Well are you? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates posting your job in one place? Well, that isn't enough to find quality candidates. If you want to find the perfect hire, you need to post your job on all the job sites. And now you can with zip fruit up.com. You can post your job to 100 plus job sites, including social media networks like Facebook and Twitter, all with a single click.
Starting point is 00:28:36 Find candidates in any city or industry nationwide. Just post once and watch the qualified candidates roll into zip recruiters. Easy to use interface. No juggling emails or calls to your office. Quickly screen the candidate rate them and hire the person fast. And now today, why zip has been used by over one million businesses and right now my listeners can post jobs to zip for free by going to zip recruiters.com slash burr that zip recruiters.com slash burr one more time zip recruiters.com slash burr.
Starting point is 00:29:12 All right. I guess we got a few more to go here, but let's, uh, I'll break them up here. You know, there's no fucking way you want to listen to me to do six of these in a row. Breaking news. Trump and Obama meeting at the White House, this fucking lady was moving her fucking arms around talking, talking, talking, shut the fuck. I mean, I got a lot of nerve telling people to shut up. This is, you know, something this is going to be.
Starting point is 00:29:41 This is why is the right so fucking crazy? What was wrong with you guys? Jesus Christ. You picked a reality show TV star. That's who the fuck you picked. Then you picked George W. Bush. Can you give me a guy? You know, this is what kills me about you dumb fucks over there.
Starting point is 00:30:07 I lean right a lot. I lean left too. Sometimes I'm liberal. Sometimes I'm conservative. Fuck six. Can you get me a guy that can give a speech? You haven't done it since Herbert Walker Bush. He gave a great speech.
Starting point is 00:30:22 I like that guy. I had no fucking beef with that guy. Now I'm going to go from shank, shank, shank, shank, shank for fucking eight years, right? I didn't like everything that Obama did, but you got it. You have to admit, even you fucking racist cunts got to admit that guy was phenomenal speaker, phenomenal speaker. He's fucking hilarious. He wasn't an embarrassment to hear the world talk, and now we're going to have fucking
Starting point is 00:30:44 Trump. Jesus Christ. It's unbelievable. I got a lot of nerve because I actually like Bernie Sanders watching that guy give a speech. Jesus Christ. It was like he was at a town meeting, fucking hands flapping all over the place. You know what?
Starting point is 00:31:05 I don't know if there wasn't a right choice in this one. There really wasn't. All right. Now the Marines, look at them. Most of the two best guys in the world. How do they, they gotta have, how the fuck do they do that? Where they face each other, they pause for a second, right? And then they, at the same time, they both fucking, they salute.
Starting point is 00:31:31 You know what I mean? It's like you ever listen to Led Zeppelin and then they, they all just fucking, they're playing, they're playing and then the song just stops. And then they come back in again and sometimes it's on time. Sometimes it isn't. It's cause, you know, somebody just, yeah, it's a look, they give somebody a look and then boom, you look at these fucking Marines that they don't give each other a look. They still brought their fucking hand up at the same time.
Starting point is 00:31:53 There's gotta be some sort of, some sort of marine little wiggle with an eyebrow. Granted, we are like 40 yards away with the camera and then I'm sitting in a fucking hotel room. I wonder what the fucking audition was to get that gig. You know, how many fucking doors did you have to open like perfectly to be there? You know, it's gotta be some proud mom out there. That's my son. He's going to open the door.
Starting point is 00:32:23 What was the last time a president with the two pay was president? They've all had full heads of hair. All had full heads of hair. Hey ladies, who's going to be the next lady president? I mean, the next, the first one I should say, do you think Hillary's done? Do you think she has enough pants suits for another run? You know, I don't know. I just hope she goes to a chiropractor and gets her fucking neck fixed because I don't
Starting point is 00:32:50 know. She was like a baby. You know, you fucking, you know, babies can't hold their heads up. She kind of was fucking flopping all around. I love the pants suit though. You know what I mean? You fucking chick of a certain age, you know what I mean? I had the kids already, you know, shut down the park.
Starting point is 00:33:11 If you know what I mean, you know, hot flashes are over, right? Wally World's closed for renovations, you know, then you got to rock the fucking pants suit. You got to get the short of fucking hair like I don't give a shit anymore. You know, my husband's old. What's he going to do? Well, he ain't going anywhere. And you go out, right?
Starting point is 00:33:31 You get the Ellen DeGeneres haircut and you go out. You get a fucking pants suit. Walk around with some flatties for once in your life. You fucking concerned about your own comfort. You know? Oh man. You know what? If I was Hillary, my next fucking move is, you remember Johnny Carson had his own line
Starting point is 00:33:49 of fucking sport coats? I would have my own line of fucking pants suits, right? But you get people like Rihanna, people in the prime of their fucking life that like walking around half naked and they somehow, you know, they somehow turned the pants suit in. Who the fuck is good looking enough in their 20s to make the fucking pants suit come back? You know, I, you know, I don't mind the pants suit. When I was coming up, the fucking, you know, Rota had him, Mary Tyler Moore had him.
Starting point is 00:34:19 You know what I mean? And they were fucking young broad. So I was sitting there as a little fucking fireballed, fucking freckled jerk off. And I would, I would watch all of those fucking Charlie's angels. They were used to wear them. Farrah Fawcett killed the fucking pants suit. But the pants suit back then was sort of like the diversion of the John Travolta suit. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:34:41 It was just a bunch of rayon and no condoms in the seventies. And that's, that's how we ended up where we're at. That's why the fucking roads are so goddamn filled up. Um, oh Jesus, the sound down on MSNBC right now, just looking at the looks on people's faces. I don't know why this shit is so funny to me because I am not thrilled with this guy being president, but seeing people disappointed and crying on television, you know, past obviously if somebody they love died or something like that, I don't laugh at that shit, but like
Starting point is 00:35:10 I told you guys way back in the day when the biggest loser was on and those fat people would just start crying about how they couldn't stop eating hamburgers and shit. It just fucking always, I mean, I wanted them to lose weight and shit, but there's just something, there's something fucking hilarious about people crying, adults crying. I don't know why it's probably me being a walled off. You know, I'm actually, I'm not that fucking walled up walled off, right? I can get choked up with the best of them, but if I did it, you know, I expect people to laugh at me.
Starting point is 00:35:45 Um, this is when you know you have too much news coverage. I'm sitting here watching this Marine opening and closing a door and these fucking nerd guys keep from the press, keep walking in and out of the shot. Look at this. There's a lady right now. She's backing up to take a picture with their cell phone of, I don't know what now the Marines open in the door. She walks out.
Starting point is 00:36:13 You really, you know what? It was actually great that she was in there just to see, um, who the fuck just walked out of the place was that like his cousins or something? That's such a weird gig. Does that mean you're a good Marine that they make you like the fucking bellhop of the White House? I know at the end of the day, I mean, you went through all of that fucking training. You can snap somebody's neck, right?
Starting point is 00:36:45 I could fucking shoot somebody from 200 yards away and then, uh, what, what should detail? You can open and close the back door at the White House. And then what? No, that's it. You can be dressed in your formals. You can have your whites on and you're just going to stand at fucking attention. Dude, there's no way that anybody can do that. There's got to be like two hour shifts.
Starting point is 00:37:07 How long can you just stand there? That fucking straight. Yeah, but he's also got to be if some lunatic comes fucking running up this. Remember that guy jumped over the fucking fence and just ran up and he actually got into the fucking White House. That was unbelievable. That's what I really realized. Like how not important the president was, you know, once again, they don't even lock
Starting point is 00:37:30 the door. Do you understand that fucking asshole who jumped over that gate and ran up to the White House? Do you realize that that guy got further into the White House than he would have gotten into my house? My door is locked. Then he ran down the hall. He gave a head fake and he broke the ankles of some secret service guy, right?
Starting point is 00:37:56 Like Iverson did to Jordan when he first came into the league and he went right. He got like, he zigged instead of zagged. And that was the only reason why he didn't just fucking get in there. It's really not funny, but, you know, the fact that nothing happened, it's kind of fucking hilarious. Um, geez, look at this guy with his pea soup green fucking tie, just pointing and all that type of stuff. He's fucking.
Starting point is 00:38:24 Oh, geez, everybody thinks they're making a point including me. Why don't I read the last few of these things here? Um, all right, wink, pronounced wink, W-I-N-C, all right. Finding a great new wine is tough. That's why I've been telling you all about our sponsors at Club W and Club W. I wouldn't even vote for Trump and how they make it so easy to get wine personalized to your palate and delivered right to your door. And here's a little update we have for you.
Starting point is 00:38:53 Club W. Oh, Jesus, what are we going to do now? This country's fucked. It is now called Wink, that's spelled W-I-N-C, a new name and an improved look. But here's the important part. It's still the same amazing wine company introducing you to new wines you'll love. Wink works directly with winemakers and growers from all over the world to create delicious wine delivered and deliver it right to your door. Wink's 100 percent satisfaction guarantee means if you don't like a bottle,
Starting point is 00:39:23 they send you, they'll replace it with the bottle you love. No questions asked. You don't just start, you don't just get sent random bottles. Wink is a personalized wine membership that recommends wines specifically for you based on the results of your palate and profile quiz. You can also rate all of the wine you receive from Wink. So they learn about you with every order and constantly personalize the wine
Starting point is 00:39:51 they send, sign up for Wink right now and gain immediate insider access to the best fine wine from all over the world. Find out for yourself why yours truly and thousands of other satisfied wine lovers. I don't love wine. I drink whiskey. Why do they always make me do that? I like booze. If you're into wine, drink the fucking wine. Gives me a brutal fucking hangover. Why do you think they switch it from Club W?
Starting point is 00:40:18 I always liked it. Club W, you watch the Cubs. They all love me, but they only love me when they win. I can't understand it. That's the best part. Wink is offering my listeners 20 percent off right now. When you try, when you go to trywink.com. T-R-Y-W-I-N-C dot com slash burr. All right. They'll they'll even cover the shipping.
Starting point is 00:40:39 Hey, ladies, you know, you love the wine. Think about it. You'll get fine wine personalized to your palate, delivered right to your door. Try Wink and get $20 off and a complimentary shipping right now when you go to trywink.com slash burr. That's try W-I-N-C dot com. All right. Helix, Helix, you're unique. You don't walk like anyone else.
Starting point is 00:41:04 You don't talk like anyone else or sleep like everyone else. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Well, because the average height is about five nine. You know, probably that's the reason. Most part, we all have arms and legs of fucking head on top and a torso. So there's, you know, why are all bicycles looking the same? All right, because that's where your fucking feet go. And your hands go up there in this, you know,
Starting point is 00:41:31 because it truly I guess I was wrong because a truly customized mattress will cost you five to ten thousand bucks until now. Go to Helix sleep.com, answer a few simple questions and they'll run a 3D biomechanical model of your body through the. Proprietary algorithms, I don't know. They develop with the help of the way they'll make your fucking mattress that fits your body. The result is the most comfortable mattress you've ever slept on.
Starting point is 00:41:59 Isn't that right, sir? Oh, he's already asleep. That's right. I have a random person sleeping in here. Helix, Helix customers report a 30% improvement in overall sleep quality. And for couples, they customize each side of the mattress. Your mattress, your mattress arrives at your door in about a week and shipping is 100% free. That's why everyone from GQ magazine to Forbes are all talking about Helix sleep.
Starting point is 00:42:24 You go one, you have one hundred nights to try it out. If you don't like it, they'll pick it up for free. Gross. And give you a hundred percent refund. No questions asked. Go to helixsleep.com slash bird to get $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash bird one more time. Helixsleep.com slash bird.
Starting point is 00:42:44 Is this the last one? Oh, the last one. I'm going to end with a little song here, people, to brighten your spirits. I don't book beyond these me on these. You elected Donald Trump. Beyond these me on these. Everybody take a dump. The nice and soft like is to pay your balls are dry and you say, hey.
Starting point is 00:43:09 What the fuck did we just do? It was either the the clan or the clam. But I do boo. That was your selections this year, the clan or the clam. Me on these picture a world while putting a new pair of underwear isn't just fresh. You're stepping into a better day. Think about it.
Starting point is 00:43:30 Underwear is the first thing you put on and the last thing you take off unless you're a fucking widow. Why would you settle for anything less than the best feeling underwear on the planet? Me on these focuses solely on producing the most comfortable underwear you've ever experienced. Well, that's what you do. You make underwear. What would you be doing?
Starting point is 00:43:46 Now, what else would you be doing? Huh, making dioramas. My friends at me on these. These people I've never hung out with who are somehow my friends sent me a few pairs a while back. And now I can't imagine wearing anything else. That is a lie. I wear I'm not even wearing them right now.
Starting point is 00:44:02 OK, but what they sent me were comfortable except for the Greg Lugain is cut. All right, was riding up on my balls here. It wasn't even that. I just I just I could not wear them in front of my wife. She was just dying laughing at me as I was walking by. You know what I should have done? You know, that fucking crazy things that Olympic swimmers do,
Starting point is 00:44:22 you know, where they bend over and then they just start fucking moving their arms like propellers. I'm going to do that next time. Put on my fucking my Greg Lugain is ones, right? I'm going to put on my swimming goggles when my wife is looking. I'll put on one of her fucking head wraps. I'm just going to come out and do that. All right, sorry.
Starting point is 00:44:44 Anyways, for price for the price of two cocktails, me on these will deliver your new favorite pair of underwear right to your doorstep. Better day guaranteed. Try them on. And if they're not the most comfortable, best feeling undies you've ever had, they'll refund you and let you keep your last pair for your first pair for free, including the prices.
Starting point is 00:45:00 The sweet touch. Oh, the sweet caressing touch of modal modal, a special fabric made with the best in class raw materials that are scientifically proven to be three times softer than cotton. These uber cozy undies are also sold exclusively on me on these websites. Website where you'll enjoy free shipping in the US and Canada. All right, here's the call to action. Here's the end right here.
Starting point is 00:45:24 And for a limited time, everyone in my audience gets 20 percent off their first order, but you have to go to our special URL, me undies.com slash burr. With me undies, better day guarantee. You have nothing to lose. So don't wait any longer. Go to me undies.com slash burr right now for 20 percent off your first order. That's me undies.com slash burr. All right, and that is the that is the Thursday afternoon podcast.
Starting point is 00:45:48 And and that is the election. All right, it is over. This is the guy that we picked. And just because, you know, your person didn't win, it doesn't mean you got to yell at other people. All right, you know, it'd be great if everybody just sort of stop yelling at each other. OK, you know, maybe help each other out. You know, somebody actually said to me, you know, I'm Obamacare is going to go away.
Starting point is 00:46:11 How the fuck am I going to pay for my meds? And that immediately made me think, well, you know what? Why don't regular people just pick up the slack? You know, I don't know how to fuck to do it. What sets something up? Well, maybe you just help out one person. What if you're in the prime of your life or your earning power, whatever, you know, and somebody down the street needs meds?
Starting point is 00:46:31 You know, what if you booze a couple of less times a fucking month and you hook them up with some money to get their meds? You save your one. And then you won't be as bloated. You won't be drinking as much booze. Why don't just regular people help each other out instead of waiting for these fucking people to do it? Because they don't get along with each other.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Like when Obama went into office, evidently, all the Republicans on the first fucking day in the House, the Senate or whatever, just basically said, we're just going to disagree with it. We're not going to pass anything that this guy says, which is really fucking treasonous behavior. I think. Not saying you got to pass everything the guy says. You do have to keep them in check.
Starting point is 00:47:16 But before it even comes down the pipe, you're saying, we're not going to fucking work with this guy. I don't know. So but you can't ever expect these assholes to ever get along. They act like a bunch of fucking babies. They really are a bunch of babies the way that they behave. So but that doesn't mean you have to fucking behave like that. You know, you could be you could be that person who doesn't scream and yell.
Starting point is 00:47:42 You could be that person that doesn't talk down to somebody because they don't live near an ocean or you could not judge somebody because they do live near the ocean for whatever fucking reason. The blue states are near the ocean. The other ones are fucking in the middle and everybody screaming and yelling at each other. I have gone to all 50 states and God damn it, I've met great people out there. I really have great food, great fun.
Starting point is 00:48:04 You know, we're fucking yelling at everybody and you're going to be all right. Trump's going to be president for a lot of people. I guess it'll be a good thing for other people. It's not going to be a good thing, but you know what, you're not going to die. OK, get out in front of it. Think something positive. The end of the day, if you want to get your business going, you're still going to have to do it, even if Obama was still in office.
Starting point is 00:48:29 A Hillary got there or a fucking Newt Gingrich or Rudy Giuliani. The end of the day, your life is on you and life is not fair and people don't have the time to give a shit, you know, and that's how it is. It's unfortunate, but that is how it is. But the second you fucking address that, it's kind of empowering, right? Oh, fuck, I got to handle this shit, you know? And this is coming from a privileged white male. So I'll go fuck yourselves.
Starting point is 00:48:58 All right, that's that's it. OK, you just try to say shit positive. People will move this, what if this happens? All right, well, then quit, quit, move to fucking Canada with share. See if anybody gives a fuck. Um, anyways, here comes some music, I guess, is what happens now. And then we'll get to listen to some greatest hits before. The orange to pay guy was made possibly even running for president.
Starting point is 00:49:29 Who knows? Hey, who do you think he's? You know, he should pick another reality TV show star for his fucking vice presidency. You know, he should get the guy from Survivor, you know, who gets progressively angrier with every fucking season. I don't know if you guys have noticed that. I don't understand. Like I stopped watching it years ago because of it.
Starting point is 00:49:48 He just like, you know, red team falling behind, they got to step it up. He just starts fucking yelling at him. He used to just be used to be more exciting, happy. I think he's just sick of being out on that island, watching people eating bugs. I don't know what his issue is, but he seems to be taking it out on the people there on the island, you know, as they waste away. All right, I'm done babbling. All right.
Starting point is 00:50:12 Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr is the Monday morning podcast. Dude, what happened yesterday, man? I'll tell you. I was in, what the hell was I, Fort Collins, Colorado. I was performing at Colorado State University and I was going to do the podcast from there, but every time I went to call up, I couldn't get service.
Starting point is 00:51:22 So that's what happened. And right now I am in Indianapolis because I'm doing Bob and Tom radio tomorrow morning to hide my gig in Nashville. All right. So I'm on the road this week. In fact, earlier this week, I heard that, I heard a commercial, you know, that Johnny Casson where he's like, I've been to to blow some, some, some, we're battling off all these cities.
Starting point is 00:51:50 I've been everywhere, man. And I literally yelled, I said, shut the fuck up, Johnny. So if I, so if I, all right, so have a lot of fucking people. And not to mention the fucking cities he mentioned in that song are just a bunch of cities you wouldn't want to go to. Anyways, you haven't been anywhere. You fucking redneck. You should have said I've been to Paris, London.
Starting point is 00:52:14 You know what I'm saying? Rome, places people want to go. Not to below Toledo, Charleston, nobody gives a fuck. And what did you do there, Johnny? Maybe that's why you were so fucking angry. Maybe that's why I'm so fucking angry. Because I've been to those goddamn cities too. And that, you know what I like about them?
Starting point is 00:52:33 Let's, let's turn it around here and make it a little more positive. As I go in the 70 East, trying to figure out where the fuck up. There we go. There we go. Um, you know what I like about them is, is there, uh, they don't have enough money to redo that downtown area. So you get to see what, you know, you know, America used to look like, like 50 years ago, and I'm not trying to be condescending here.
Starting point is 00:52:57 I actually liked it because architecture was better. You know, stuff was made out of brick. Everything wasn't like a fucking cheesecake factory and an Applebee. The only time that's happened to me in my life, I've been on the road. Hey, um, I've been on the front desk. Do you have any place where I can get something healthy to eat? Um, we have an Applebee. That's a solution.
Starting point is 00:53:21 He wants something healthy. Um, what's healthy? Oh, you know what? Healthy is healthy is when they wrap the silverware in a napkin. That means you're eating healthy. And you, you know where they do that? They do it at Applebee. They do it at Shownies.
Starting point is 00:53:40 Do they, Shownies, I've never, um, never eaten there at Shownies. This certain rest fucking restaurants, you just go by those chains. And for me, anyways, let me not speak for you. I don't want to be arrogant here, but for me, anyways, certain restaurants, fast food chains, I literally just look at the sign and it gives me a stomach ache and I can never eat there. And Shownies is one of them. Steak and shake is another one of the two of them.
Starting point is 00:54:12 I don't know. Maybe I'm combining. They have like this orange fucking sign that just, it just reminds me of what I'm going to feel like after I eat that shit food, but I'm not always right. Cause I gotta tell you, I avoided the waffle house, like the plague for like a decade on the road, I would just see that yellow sign with those, just that regular type script waffle house. And it just, you know, you could just drive in by it.
Starting point is 00:54:40 You knew how sticky the fucking tables were going to be, how toothless the waitress was going to be, how many felonies, how many convicted felons were going to be, it's just, it just wasn't worth it to get fucking waffles. Not to mention I have a great recipe for waffles. But then, you know what? I did the rich bitch tour and the two guys I was on tour with on the Chappelle's shows one night, so let's go to the waffle house. And I went in there and, uh, you know, wasn't that bad?
Starting point is 00:55:11 Although I gotta admit that spent so long since I've been there, whatever they have, their home fries, smothered, covered and all that stuff with, it's fucking gross, you know, I don't like you. I don't mind you, you're punching up the food a little bit or kicking it up a notch is that, uh, it's going to say Harold Carmichael. What the fuck did his name pop? What's that guy's name? Emilio, Emilio Estevez.
Starting point is 00:55:36 What's the name of that chef where he goes, bam, he throws the sugar and everybody goes fucking crazy. Emilio, Elio's, I think the cell phone is affecting my fucking memory. What is his name? Jesus Christ. Uh, Emeril, there we go. Emeril Lugasi. The worst, you know, I was trying to remember the name Screech yesterday from
Starting point is 00:56:04 saved by the belt because I was talking about, uh, people being able to sell tickets. I couldn't fucking remember his name. I was like scratchy, skippy, Sebastian. I knew it began with an S, some sort of hard out continent afterwards. Screech. Okay. What would you do if you, the parent of a child star, you know, besides steal his
Starting point is 00:56:28 money before he turned 18? Well, what the fuck would you do? Especially if, if, I mean, I'll give Screech his parents a break. Okay. But I got to say from here on out, if you put your kid into show business, first of all, you're fucked in the head. All right. You wanted to make it on some level.
Starting point is 00:56:49 All right. And secondly, if the kid books to show and his character, his character's name is like zippy or, you know, just something you wouldn't name a fucking ferret. If that's what his character's name is, yeah, Oracle, you just know he's going to be a fuck up. Ah, why didn't I say, because he's not a fuck up, but you know what I'm saying? At that point, you got to stick that kid in drug counseling. You know, when he's still eight years old.
Starting point is 00:57:20 You know, oh my God, you know what? That would be a great fucking show. You could have scared straight for child stars. What you do is you have whoever the next fucking Hannah Montana is, right? That's another one. If you fucking name rhymes, you're finished. She's going to be on coke on her knees in the bathroom of the Viper room within three years.
Starting point is 00:57:44 Oh, wait a minute, but her dad's Billy Ray Cyrus. So he knows he's been there. He's I've been there, baby. Okay. You understand? Look at my eyes. Look at the seat of pain. That is the pain of having a mullet and singing a song called Aki Breakie Heart.
Starting point is 00:58:00 I swear to God. No, it was not for five year olds. No, it wasn't. It was for adults. It was for adults and they fucking loved it and they bought it. And then one day they figured out it sucked and then they all acted like they never bought it and no one would ever come to my shows again. So I cut off my mullet and I impregnated your mama.
Starting point is 00:58:20 And then we had you and now it's your fucking turn to continue the legacy of horrific fucking moments in show business. Oh, so this is the show. You basically have former child stars who've done drugs that do from the courtship at Betty's father. Uh, yeah, you have the dude, Michael Diamond. No, Michael Diamond. He's a feisty boys.
Starting point is 00:58:51 Dustin Diamond. You have him fucking in there. Yeah, you know, you have random Brady Bunch, but they never really did anything. Fucking fags. I never really did anything just other than linger around. God, what a boring cast of people. Um, whatever. You just take a bunch of child stars who fucked up, who haven't died yet.
Starting point is 00:59:11 And then you bring them in there and you haven't just started screaming at whoever the next Urkel is to make sure he's not on drugs. And if I could somehow smooth it out, I think I could, uh, I could sell that show to VH1, right? Stick a former rapper in there, get some hose and you've got a show. So you might be asking yourself, Bill, you know, you've been doing this podcast for quite a while. You've been driving for quite a while.
Starting point is 00:59:37 Aren't you at your hotel yet? Uh, no, I am not because, um, I don't know. I didn't want to spend the night in Indianapolis, even though I have to do radio tomorrow at six in the morning. And I looked, uh, I saw that the Red Wings are playing the fucking Pittsburgh Penguins up in Detroit, the best two teams in the NHL last year. I'll take a fucking, I'll drive up the street. It can't be more than an hour and a half to Detroit.
Starting point is 01:00:02 Well, it turns out it's three hours and I already had a fucking car. So jokes on me, this better be a good fucking game. Um, but anyways, I'm driving along here. So I don't have the questions. I don't have the question. So all I can do is just run my fucking mouth this week, which I have done for nine minutes and 51 seconds, but that also includes the intro. So I talked to that fucking machine every week.
Starting point is 01:00:30 Um, all right. So this is a waffle house. Now I'm driving down the road and I'm trying to make the decision, the decision that Americans have to make every day in this country. How do I not become a fat fuck? I'm going to tell you, it's very difficult out here. It's very difficult. Where can I eat at here?
Starting point is 01:00:49 There's a place called Joe's as a throwback. What is this place? Joe's, Joe's crab shack. Oh yeah. That's what I do when I go to the middle of the country. Let me order some seafood. Sure. That's fresh.
Starting point is 01:01:02 That fuck is wrong with you. I'll tell you, you know, we're doing Indianapolis. We like sushi. We love it. What do you have? What kind of sushi do you have? Trout sushi? Some sort of, some sort of friend.
Starting point is 01:01:19 They have catfish sushi out here. Oh, you're just going out there. We just, we just pull it out of the creek. Why does every moron in my act have a Southern accent? I really have to stop that. I'll tell you why. Because every time you get outside of a major city, everybody fucking talks like that.
Starting point is 01:01:36 Everybody's got a little bit of a lazy, lazy way of speaking. Look at those awful apartments. Every fucking one looking the same, but it's right near a manmade lake. I got to tell you one of the most depressing things ever for me. Oh, that's nice. We just merged down to two lanes where there's signs. Maybe if I wasn't doing the podcast, can you imagine if I actually caused one of those horrific highway accidents?
Starting point is 01:02:02 You know, like anybody used to watch that show, Chips. Remember that? Eric Estrada and Larry Wilcox. And they just had them driving down the street with their motorcycles. And once they show, they would literally have a 20 to 30 car pileup, which in all my years of being on the road, I have never fucking seen. And my favorite thing about those pileups, right? Was they would last for like a good fucking, I don't know, one minute
Starting point is 01:02:35 on television, which basically in real life is like a five minute catastrophe. And everything, when everything was all said and done, there's like 25 cars upside down, twisted around. There was always like an oil tanker, and then there was always that last guy. The last guy would always somehow he'd get air off of cars rather than just plowing into them. He just defy. He would defy physics and he would somehow get air, shoot up and over everybody.
Starting point is 01:03:05 And if you listen to the audio, for some reason, the guy would still be hitting the gas. He's literally in the air and his car is still going. Like he thinks he's going to make it over. I never understood that, even as a little boy, a little lad watching it. And I'd look at my dad and I would say, dad, why did he do that? And he'd be like, shut the fuck up, son, just shut the fuck up. And the cats in the cradle in the seat of a moon, silver spoon. There it is.
Starting point is 01:03:37 I'm telling you, I think the fucking cell phone is affecting my memory. So anyway, let's talk conspiracy theory. Hey, everybody, how about that $700 million bailout? Is that awesome? Hasn't it made the country a lot better? These fucking motherfuckers, you know, I realized after eight years, you know the al-Qaeda is, it's the goddamn bankers. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:03:58 There are more fucking terrorists than anybody. These sons of bitches, you know what they're doing with that money? Have they lowered interest rates so people can get a loan? Fuck no. GM's going under. You know what they're doing with the money from what I overheard on the radio? Is they're using it to buy up other failing banks? Just inching us towards the one world bank.
Starting point is 01:04:23 That's what they're using it for. And they have the audacity to raise the interest rates on credit cards to help pay for this mortgage mess. Then we just give you $700 billion to get you out of it. I didn't know you were going to keep it so you could buy more assets. And then further fuck me in the ass. It's up to 27% on some people's cards. Don't they have some sort of usury laws?
Starting point is 01:04:48 Does anybody who's remotely, I want to say majored in economics, does anybody who understands this, at what point, what percentage is usury? They're up to 27%. I mean, back in the day, did the mob even do that? I don't know. They own everybody. That's what I've realized when I've really looked at the whole economy and I've broken everything down and I realized all the money I've made in this business
Starting point is 01:05:16 How much of it have I ever held in my hand? You know, I take out $100 here or $100 there. I pay everything with a check. I get paid and checked. It's just numbers on a piece of paper. And I kind of realized that even if I own shit, it can still be seized. With the Patriot Act, I can be arrested, not charged, and fucking waterboarded. You know what I realized?
Starting point is 01:05:41 I'm going to grow money. I'm going to grow waterboarded. You know what I realized? I'm going to grow a mustache, just in case I ever get waterboarded. It's like they're still going to slowly drown me, but I take water going up my nose. It's going to grow one of those big fucking 1970s sex symbols mustaches. Burt Reynolds. You know, he's got the best mustache ever.
Starting point is 01:06:03 And of course, I don't know his name. He's the guy who was in the... He was actually in the Big Lebowski. He was the narrator. Sam Elliott. I mean, that guy's mustache, it's fucking ridiculous. Everyone in a mustache wasn't cool for like 20 years, but he kept his. His was so fucking cool.
Starting point is 01:06:22 You couldn't question his mustache. That's like a man. That's like a fucking panning for gold in the 1840s. Then when the gold rush was, anybody listen to this from San Francisco? And you went out there and you sang those awful fucking songs. Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling Clementine.
Starting point is 01:06:46 You got the worst fucking name in the world. You must be an ugly bitch. Has there ever been a good looking woman named Clementine? You notice that there's like hot girl names like Natasha. I've never seen an ugly girl named Natasha yet. I've never seen a cool girl named Natasha. I always just see some hot girl who knows she's fucking hot at eight because her name is Natasha. Which ends up making her be really a cunt, to be honest with you.
Starting point is 01:07:15 Or is it more about me that I never had the courage to approach a girl named Natasha? Natasha, that's actually Brooke. That's a good one. Brooke, Natasha, not Melissa. Melissa can kind of be down to earth. There's some sort of offshoot of Melissa. I always notice what the fuck? I don't know.
Starting point is 01:07:41 Jesus Christ is it depressing out here. It is absolutely overcast. I'll tell you the Midwest. Midwest during the summertime when all the crops, you know, are waving in the air, you know, makes you proud to be an American. But when you're out here at the beginning of winter, you start to understand crystal meth. I get it now. I understand the anger of slipknot.
Starting point is 01:08:04 I never understood those guys. Like, what the fuck are they so angry about? And then I was in Iowa in, like, February. And I was like, you know what? I get it. I get it. It's like, I don't know. It really fucking affects your mood.
Starting point is 01:08:20 This is awful. Who are those guys looking for? The guys on the side of the road? They're not... Well, those guys, they're on the side of the road. You're not picking up litter. You know? You're not mowing the grass.
Starting point is 01:08:31 You're not waiting to give somebody a ticket. But you've still got a little shine, a little fucking siren on top of your car. It's the neutral one, though. That orange one. That's like the Jan Brady of emergency vehicles. Ooh, look at that. A Super 8 Motel with an indoor pool. Huh?
Starting point is 01:08:54 Who says this country's in trouble? Wow, they really stepped it up. They're finally living up to that name, Super 8. It was never super when I went to it. There's a stake and shake next exit. Oh, this is this part of the country. For those of you who don't travel, this is stake and shake Dairy Queen country. Heartland, resort, camping.
Starting point is 01:09:19 Do you know I had a chance to go ski shooting in D.C.? And I got so fucking drunk with Joda Rosa the night before, I couldn't do it. Me and Joda Rosa, the guy I do uninformed with, we are not good for each other. That's what I realized. I think when we're by ourselves, we can make good decisions. But when we are hanging out together. Anyway, don't you have a friend like that? Where after a while, you know, you just have to kind of tap out.
Starting point is 01:09:46 I'm not saying I'm not going to be friends with Joda Rosa anymore. I don't know if I can hang out with them anymore. Why are you driving so fucking slow in the left lane? With your high performance muffler. Those high performance mufflers are ridiculous. Didn't somebody send something in about those being overrated? Do those fool little Asian girls into thinking that you have a fast car? I actually think it's an old guy with white hair.
Starting point is 01:10:15 Or is that a baseball cap? It's basically a Honda Civic, early 90s, with a hatchback. It looks like he's got some sort of erector set. Suspension. You remember that shit? Remember the erector set? That's back when they used to give you toys to try to make you smart. You get like a chemistry set.
Starting point is 01:10:39 Can you hear that? Can you hear his car? Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. We're doing fucking 65. And he sounds like a motorcycle off in the distance. And he's literally fucking 30 yards in front of me. There's some physics major out there doing the math right now to see if I'm following too closely behind.
Starting point is 01:10:59 Alright, so we're up to 20 minutes. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's how I used to do them. This is like an old school one. Throwback. A fucking throwback. I'm really going to be hating this drive when I come back.
Starting point is 01:11:13 Do you realize that I'm such a mean... Why doesn't this guy have a side view mirror? Okay, here we go. I'm driving by him. And it is, you know what? It was a younger kid. And he had one of those, you know, the goatee where you don't have the mustache,
Starting point is 01:11:28 but then you have like the really long shit hanging off your chin. It basically says, you know, I'm not wearing a condom. I don't know. Anyways, let's hype my gigs upcoming this week. Okay, if you've enjoyed this podcast and you have a radio,
Starting point is 01:11:46 I will be on the Bob and Tom show tomorrow morning all across this great country of ours, which is still great if we could get rid of these motherfucking bankers. And I'm going to be hyping my upcoming gig, the next gig on the uninformed tour in Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee. This Thursday, Friday, and Saturday,
Starting point is 01:12:13 me and Joe DeRosa, two-man show. We're going to be telling some jokes or whatever. And if you came and saw me last year, I wrote a whole new hour, people in Nashville. And listen to this. I want to go ski shooting. I blew it in D.C. I want to go.
Starting point is 01:12:28 I want to learn how to shoot something. That's my next fucking move as I plan for the New World Order. So come on, man, I'm going down to Nashville. I know it's the music city capital of the world, but goddamn it, just outside of it. I know there's a bunch of people with guns and they've got fields,
Starting point is 01:12:46 and I want to go up there and shoot a little clay disc. So why don't you hook me up? I got it. Here you go. Anybody who hooks me up, takes me out, goes ski shooting, gets a three, three, three DVD. Say that 10 times fast. For you, your buddy you go hunting with and your best girlfriend with them, Daisy Dukes,
Starting point is 01:13:06 motherfucker, I'm serious. I want to learn, okay? Hey, it's my latest fucking conspiracy that I know they're going to combine this country with fucking Mexico and with Canada. Aside from the fact that they've got that creepy commercial about how they have a new enhanced driver's license that'll make it easier to travel between
Starting point is 01:13:28 the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Personally, I didn't know that was a problem. I didn't know there was people around here going, you know, I love this country, but I just wish it was easier to go to Canada. God damn it, if I could just go to Mexico a little bit earlier, I mean, easier. This is my big conspiracy.
Starting point is 01:13:48 I've noticed lately I'm traveling in airports and all of a sudden, there's this new software out there called Rosetta Stone, which is, God damn it, I wish I looked it up. I know Rosetta Stone is some sort of, I don't know what the fuck it is. Is it something biblical? Is it like the Hulk Diamond?
Starting point is 01:14:06 I don't know what it is, but basically they took that name and it is now a software that teaches you a bunch of different languages. Okay, which I always thought was cool. I want to learn another language, but nobody in America has ever given a fuck. Now, all of a sudden, they're selling these fucking things. I was just getting off at the airport.
Starting point is 01:14:24 I can see if you're in New York, if you're in Los Angeles, where you can actually speak Spanish every fucking three feet, I get it. Or maybe French or something like that, I don't know, but I just got off at the airport here in Indianapolis and they're selling the Rosetta Stone software.
Starting point is 01:14:41 Who the fuck in Indianapolis is clamoring to learn a different language? You know, something's going on. They're putting it in your head and I'm telling you, if you stick it around, stick it out in front of people long enough, it's like Rubik's cubes. When you really think about it, was that thing fun?
Starting point is 01:15:01 It was kind of like a toy that was fixed and you spun it three times and then it was broken and you could never get it fixed again unless you had an Asian friend. So for some reason, figured out how to do it. I don't know what it is about those guys. They're just fucking smarter than us. Is that like reverse racist in a way?
Starting point is 01:15:21 Because I actually said something fucking... Are you allowed to do that? I know you're not allowed to say something bad straight across about a race of people. Can I say something good? Are the politically correct police going to come at me? No, that's just as bad, because that's offensive to stupid Asian people.
Starting point is 01:15:41 It's going to make them feel even more retarded and we don't want that. Anyways... Wow, I am really out here in the heartland right now. You know something people always say, like, that's the move, man. Start a farm. Start a farm, save your money and that type of shit,
Starting point is 01:15:59 but as far as I can tell, these farmers are fucked too. Because they only grow one crop. So what are you going to do? What are you going to grow? Fucking corn? You know? All right, you grow corn. Then everything goes down.
Starting point is 01:16:14 You can't afford food. Even if you've got well water on your fucking property, what are you, corn every fucking day? At some point, I guess maybe you can go out and shoot a pheasant. You know, this reminds me of a joke I used to do. Wait a minute. The Hall of Fame. Indiana basketball Hall of Fame.
Starting point is 01:16:32 Get the fuck out of here. Jesus Christ, that's going to be the biggest collection of white basketball players with booty shorts in the goddamn country. And you know Larry Bird is there, Jesus. And I can't argue with him. Larry Bird. Now there is.
Starting point is 01:16:48 It was an awful mustache. I have a cleft palate mustache. Ah, Jesus, that was mean. But you know what? I actually bought one of those kids a new smile. So I'm able to do that joke. Larry Bird had a fucking 14-year-old white trash mustache when he was like 28.
Starting point is 01:17:12 I don't think it ever filled in his entire career. That awful, oval face. God damn it. He could play. He could definitely play. Look at me trashing one of the icons of Boston. Who would have thought? Anyways, I'm going to end this podcast this week
Starting point is 01:17:27 with a joke I used to do back in my college days. It was back in college. This is when I used to do all my college gigs, stand-up gigs back before I was doing mainly clubs. I used to land at the airport. So I'd get a rent a car, you know, grab a couple of CDs, possibly cassette tapes, depending on what point in my career.
Starting point is 01:17:48 And I'd drive across, you know, the farmlands out here in the Midwest, and I ended up getting a joke out of it. And this was the joke. I was like, you know, every time you see farmers on the news, you always see a bitchin' about how difficult farming is. You know what? I must have driven by 10,000 farms during my stand-up career. And you know what?
Starting point is 01:18:11 I've never seen anybody doing shit. The tractors always parked, cows are standing around. There's absolutely no fucking activity whatsoever. And there's always a big satellite dish. They're in there watching fucking ESPN. And then when the media comes by, they just smear a bunch of dirt on their face, and they're like, oh, my God, it was a typhoon.
Starting point is 01:18:31 Joke went something like that. And you know what? Today is no different. I just drove by 40 farms. I have not seen one fucking person. The lights aren't even on. They're in there napping. I don't know.
Starting point is 01:18:45 I don't know what they do this time of year. All the crops are cut down. Who the fuck knows? But anyways, here's something out for all the people on MySpace. I would really appreciate it if you would go on to my website, billbird.com, and sign up for my mailing list. Because I'm sort of inching my way over to that one more so than the MySpace.
Starting point is 01:19:03 I'll still put shit up on MySpace, but I plan to start blogging and all that crap once I get done with this uninformed tour. A lot of putting some extras on there, because you know, I haven't joined Facebook yet, and I just really don't feel like going over to Facebook and have to add the same 30,000 fucking people that I already have.
Starting point is 01:19:22 So if you go to my website, then you know what I mean? And I won't just spam you. Plus, you're also able to control what sort of emails you get from me. Like when I said I was going to Nashville, I just emailed people on my Nashville list. So you're not going to get a fucking update from me every week as I have some sort of zany picture trying to utilize the web. This is my once a week thing that I do,
Starting point is 01:19:47 and I think is a good thing, okay? I usually do it on Mondays. I fuck around. I give you a fucking free audio show. All right? It's a lot more than some of these other cunts out there are doing, right? All right, that's it. That's the Monday Morning Podcast on a Tuesday.
Starting point is 01:20:04 I apologize. I didn't get any cell phone service. So God bless all of you. God bless the United States of America. Fuck the bankers. Please go on the Internet and start reading about banking. Please read about it and just read what a fuckover it is. And educate yourself with conspiracy theory
Starting point is 01:20:24 that is based in Wikipedia and YouTube videos. It's not all bad, everybody. I don't like this. I'm telling you, man. I don't like Internet. Internet gets a bad rap. I like everything on the Internet's a lie, but TV's telling you the truth.
Starting point is 01:20:41 Think about the insanity of that, man. That's fucking ridiculous. They're both full of shit. And so am I. So don't even fucking listen to me. Have a good week. And please, if you live anywhere near Nashville, please come out and see me.
Starting point is 01:20:54 And that is it. That's it. All right? Everybody, have a good week. I said that 15 times. God damn it. But I want you to know I really mean it. I hope you have a great week.
Starting point is 01:21:05 All right, God bless. Take it easy. I don't want to see what's happening inside. I'm sinking in the little I've made inside. I don't want to see what's happening outside. I don't want to see what's happening inside. Both of them don't cause a little need high. I don't want to see what's happening outside.
Starting point is 01:22:32 I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening.
Starting point is 01:23:37 I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. I don't want to know what's happening. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees.
Starting point is 01:24:22 Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.