Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-15

Episode Date: November 13, 2015

Bill rambles about Eli, pant suits and cheerleaders.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday, and I... Check it out, you...

Just check it out, you guys. How's your week going? Oh, that's one... Oh, did that happen? Oh, that's too bad. I fucking shake it off, huh? All right, come on, you moved out. All right, your parents aren't there anymore to pick you up

and dust you off and make you a little fucking ham sandwich, maybe PB and Jake, whatever it was, huh? They're not there anymore. Okay, you're on your own. It's time for you to toughen the fuck up. Go home to your apartment and have a little cry. I know what I'm talking about. I'm in New York City here.

I'm getting ready for a couple of shows here in the New York Comedy Festival. I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam tomorrow, and then I'm doing my gig down the street there at the Gatton on Saturday, and then that's it. Oh, Billy Redface. It's the holiday season.

Dooby-dooby-doo. I'm already mentally drinking eggnog. This is my last two fucking road gigs of the year, and then basically I am in town in LA, and I get to hang with my dog, my beautiful wife, and just fucking chill out. And you know what I'm going to be doing? I'm going to the gym every day

because I've been eating like a fucking animal. I've just been fucking eating like an animal, but it's not bad. I'm probably like a buck 75 or something as opposed to being up close to a buck 90, so I'm stopping it right here. It stops today. Four gets too out of control,

and I'm going to go back down again. So that is my goal. But who gives a fuck about that? So I know what you've got to be thinking. You know that I'm a fucking sports fan. You know that I love the dimpled wonder Tom Brady, right? Old Chin Dimple himself. You've got to be thinking, well, Bill,

Tom Brady and the fucking New England Patriots are playing the New York football giants on Sunday with old fucking Eli Manning. The football gods love him. All they love him. Eli fumbles the ball, and it bounces right back into his own hands. He throws the ball up without looking,

and someone on a giant catches it between his taint and his ankle. Touchdown giants of all the unbelievable, inconceivable motherfucking things. All right, we're playing him. Eli fades back to pass. He throws his arm back. The ball comes out of his hand,

goes off the ref's dick. Back to fucking Eli. He throws it down the field without looking, and there's a touchdown giant. I can't put some dumb reason. I'm going to go to this game. Football gods love Eli Manning. I'm not saying he's not a fucking great quarterback.

The man is. He throws a hell of a fucking ball, but I'm just saying. Eli fades back to pass, and it's sacked for a loss. Wait a minute! There's a flag on the field. Personal foul gives the giants a first down. Eli fades back to pass.

Here comes the rush. He rolls out. He throws the duck. The quarterback mis-times his jump, lands on his head, gets a concussion, and it's a touchdown for the giants. I'll tell you, Mike, in all my years, I've never seen anything like it.

I'm going to the fucking game. I just want to see how the fuck he's going to beat us this time. It's not going to be just a regular fucking play. He throws it back. Eli fades back to pass. He throws it to Asante Samuel, hits him in both his hands, and he drops the ball!

How does Eli do it? He threw an interception, and it was dropped. Nightmares. Nightmares of this guy. So I'm just wondering how the fuck, what weird goddamn way are we going to lose? It is one of the great things about sports. One of the fucking odds that we're going to fucking play him again.

It's the Sunday night game. Everybody wants to see it, and we're going to be undefeated, just like we were when we were 18 and 0, right? It's going to be fucking tremendous, and I'm going to go there, and I'm going to root for the Patriots, but I'm not going to be an asshole.

I'm not wearing any Patriots paraphernalia. I mean, certainly not this one. I get so much fucking shit, but yeah, you're right. You guys fucking own us. What do you want from me? I'm hoping it turns around today, but I'm calling it right now, okay?

I don't know how long Eli can have that horseshoe up his ass, but at some point, the fucking, the slipper's got to turn into a pumpkin, or whatever the fucking fairy tale is. Some fucking point. The luck's got to swing our way, right? So anyways, I'm going to that game. I'm actually really looking forward to it.

I haven't been to the new Giant Stadium, and as I've told you guys for a long time, I have actually a closet New York Giant fans. I like all the defensive teams, you know what I mean? And I love the Giants linebackers in the 80s. I wasn't a big Phil McConkey fan. He just got a little bit too excited. I thought he stole John Oates' look,

and I don't know. He wanted to score a touchdown, and Bavaro picks him up and spins him around, like there are a couple of figure skaters. I mean, I just wasn't into it. I like Bavaro, though. But whatever, Harry Carson. Was it Brad Van Pelt?

I like, you know, that's fucking football history, man. You're going back to those. I like those old NFL teams, though. Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Rams. The Packers, right? The old school shit. Colts, when they were in Baltimore. You know what sucks about the NFL?

They do everything pretty much right. I don't know. In the last few years, with all this pink shit and the fucking military stuff, just making money hand over fist on cancer in war, it's just a little weird. But I just wish that they would talk about the old NFL more. They never taught.

All the other sports really seem to respect their history. And for some reason, the NFL acts like nothing really happened prior to the NFL and the AFL merger, and then it became the Super Bowl era. It seems like everything is just about that. You get a little bit of Jim Brown. You get a little bit of Colts Giants. Yankee Stadium.

Greatest game ever played. You know, little Dick Butkus, Gale Sears, and of course the Packers. But I mean, that's it. You get nothing. You get nothing. You fucking watch baseball. Every time you put on fucking baseball,

they're saying, boy, oh boy, and I went to Abbott's Field and holy mackerel. I had to dodge some trolleys. That's why they're the Dodgers, the trolley Dodgers. And we went there and boy, oh boy, Babe Ruth came down. They're always fucking talking about it, right? Hockey's forever showing Montreal, Canadians, Rocket Richard, that boom, boom motherfucker,

whatever his name is, Toronto Maple Leaf Gardens. Everybody shows the old shit, right? Basketball show the fucking Celtics run around, but granted, that's the same fucking period, right? It's a Super Bowl. For some reason, the NFL just acts like that doesn't exist. They don't count the NFL championships, thus making the Steelers the Yankees Canadian Celtics

of football rather than the Packers who it should be. You know, Bill, you've presented this argument numerous times and nobody cares. All right, it's just something I was talking about. Let's talk about some dumb shit. Let's talk about those Starbucks cups. They used to have like snowflakes and reindeer on them. I actually understand why people were fucking offended by that.

You know, it's fucking annoying. I don't understand how a religion can be offensive and it's not even the religion, right? But it kind of is because that Santa Claus shit, that's the shit that Christians tell their kids. You know, Santa Claus, you know, oh, you better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout.

I'm telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town. He has some silver bells. He has some mistletoe. He's riding along in a one horse open sleigh for goodness sake. Oh, Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Johnny Mathis and something else. Yeah, that's what you tell your kids before you tell them the real made up story about Jesus dying for your sins.

And I just don't understand. Somewhere along the line, wishing somebody would marry Christmas became like offensive. Like if somebody said to me, you know, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, I wouldn't be like a fucking Christian. That's offensive. Don't say that to me. It's your fucking religion.

It's what you say around the holidays. I don't have a problem with it. Well, you got so fucking politically correct. You can't even have a fucking snowflake and a reindeer on it because some poor baby has a fucking menorah or a fucking whatever the fuck else you got going on this time of year. It gives a fuck. Put a menorah on it.

I don't give a shit. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being so fucking childish that you fucking, if there's a goddamn cup and they got some fucking Christmas shit from a different religion that for some reason that ruins your experience going to a coffee house to the point that they have to change the cup. It's not that it's a red cup.

It's not that they whether they have it or not. It's why they change it. I think if that's even the fucking story, that's as far as I could tell. And I got to be honest with you. Like stories like that is when liberals love to come out with this smug fucking looks on their faces. You know, like that fucking broad there that dances around and shit. It's big.

It's just a cup. It's just a cup. Whatever. You know, it's just a zillion fucking people that are of that religion. They're kind of like the little snowflake and a reindeer. Yeah, fuck all of them. Fuck all of them. But this fucking guy over here becomes a woman.

Then all of a sudden everybody's supposed to fucking, you know what I mean? It doesn't make any sense. They're all about like if one person has a fucking problem, then they're like everybody needs to stop. But if everybody's into one thing, they're like, yeah, fuck you one thing. I don't understand their math on it. Can't you be respectful to everyone? I probably missed the whole point of that fucking story.

But as far as I realized that people, you know, they took off snowflakes and reindeers because somebody in fucking, I don't know where bitched that the cup hurt their feelings last Christmas. Is that what happened? You know, Bill kind of helps if you actually know what the story is before you have a strong point of view on it, or at least a loud point of view. Oh, fuck you. How about that?

Fuck you in the holiday season. I'm just glad I don't fucking drink coffee. What a fucking waste of time that is. You know what I mean? I'm not saying it's not delicious. Once you get over how bitter it is, and you got to pour a pound of fucking sugar in it. I'm just saying the amount of times you just see people standing in these fucking lines at the airport or outside of Starbucks, and you're like, is Bruce Springsteen in there?

Is he playing that coffee house? Because that's the only fucking reason you could ever explain standing in a line that fucking long to me. Whatever the fuck you guys get. Junkies. Do you understand that? I wouldn't stand in a line like that for beer. Liar.

I've done it at games. At least they got a good buzz going, right? Well, I guess coffee's a drug too. Jesus, I'm just really destroying all my opinions here this week, right? You guys don't even need to do it. I always feel bad for those. I don't feel bad for them. It's just like, why?

That alone would be enough to quit. You know what I mean? Speaking of which, old Redface said he was done with cigars, and I think I am. I just fucking, I just can't deal with the whole next day. And my mouth tastes like a fucking ashtray. I owe date on it. I'm done. So last night, I was actually, oh, you know what I did this week?

I was old Billy Broadway. I was here in New York, and I never go to Broadway shows because I think they stink. You know, I'm gonna say a bunch of lions running around talking to cats and then singing a song about it. Right? Why would I want to do that? Not like I think that they stink. I just, I don't know, everybody's singing and dances. Maybe it just reminds me of what a pessimistic cunt I am.

So I have a hard time sitting there, right? But I'll go see a play if a play is good. Play's a back, man. Back in the day, if somebody said, hey, man, I want you to go to a play. You're like, oh my God, I'd rather hear you ban play. You know? Fucking horrific, right? But I've actually seen some really good ones.

On Tuesday night, I went to go see Fool for Love. It's a Sam Shepard play. I hope I say this name right. It's starring Nina Arianda and Sam Rockwell. And I know what you guys are thinking. Like, oh, Bill, what do you think? You're too good for us now? You're gonna go see a play on Broadway where you're wearing a scarf, you fucking pansy.

Little fucking pocket square. What did I do? I went to go see it. Sam Rockwell is actually doing a voice of one of the characters, Vic, in Fs for Family, which is coming up December 18th, everybody. Look for the official trailer coming out sometime in the next 10 days. I'm all excited over here. So, you know, he was in a play, and I was like, I gotta go down and go see him.

Check it out. Me and Nia went there. And as always, he absolutely blew us away. And I was unfamiliar with Nina Arianda, and she was amazing, just a fucking amazing play. And you know what's great, too, is it's about 70 minutes long. It's a great one to fucking, you know, dip your toe in. You know? Because even if you're not into it, right, you're just gonna be like, all right, well, it's almost over.

You know? You can get some booze, right? You go with a beer, and then you get yourself a little shot. Get a little glow going. No, it actually was an awesome time. And then the next night, last night, I went and I saw a hand to God. Swear to God, I saw a hand to God. Bob Saget was in that one.

And he's like, hey, why don't you come over and fucking check it out? And he crushed it. Bob fucking Saget destroyed. And it's actually a show written by a stand-up comedian, Stephen Boyer. And I was talking to him after the show. He mentioned that he, I guess we did a show together at the comedy store a long time ago. But everybody in the cast, Geneva Carr, Michael Oberholzer, I hope he said his last name right, we're all fucking hilarious.

And I saw two Broadway plays and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. So you know what I'm doing today, huh? I'm gonna go on, go buy myself a little scarf, top hat, and a walking cane. But 10, I'm one of them sophisticates over there. You know what I'm saying? Anyways, so I got two more fucking shows. I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam tomorrow, which is sold out 600 fucking people. Oh, freckles better not drop the drumsticks on that night.

It's going to be a great time. And then on Saturday, when the garden's still empty, it's going down, dude. I'm going to, I got a drum kit in there and some of the guys from the comedy jam are going to come over and in an empty Madison Square Garden, we're going to play, we're going to fucking butcher some songs for a good 90 minutes. And I know what you guys are thinking. Are you going to make any video? No, I'm not. No, I'm going to, I'll make a little bit, but you know, I already know I stink as a drummer

and I don't need it like reaffirmed a thousand times on social media. Epic, balding, freckled, drumming fail. And I know goddamn well, it would get more hits than any fucking standup special I ever put out. It would hurt my feelings. I'm allowed to be sensitive. It's just a hobby. Go fuck yourself. Okay, why don't you put up a video of you making a shit model in a bottle?

Whatever is it you do? Przingus. Oh, turn around. Oh, didn't go. I got it on in the background. I'm into hoop people. I got a fucking problem now. You can't be into hockey and hoop and still have a relationship.

You know, you can be single and do that. Yeah, I got almost got to be single and unemployed to be able to like that. To me, that's the ultimate sports fan. Somebody that can, that can talk intelligently about NHL and NBA because both seasons obviously happen simultaneously in this fucking 160 goddamn games between one hockey team and one basketball team. So around the fucking league, I don't know how many games that is to actually be able to know what the fuck is going on. It's pretty, pretty incredible. You know, and obviously I can barely talk intelligently about fucking the NHL, although I'm getting better because of dailyfacesoft.com.

I'm telling you, you got to go to the site. I was doing it yesterday. I was watching the blues, the blues and who's it? The devils. I just had the site open had opened two different windows and I had all the blues on one side. And the fucking devils on the other. So I knew when that first line was going against their second line and all that fucking priceless fucking priceless. So anyway, so let me read a little bit of advertising here.

We're about halfway through. And dude, I got to get my ass back to the fucking gym. Holy shit. What a fucking dope. You know what? I've given half of it back. Okay. And I got to stop this time because I always give it.

I always give it all back, you know, like a fucking degenerate gambler. You go down to the blackjack table, right? You make all that fucking money and you're up. And do you go back to the room? No, you keep playing. You keep playing. You give it all back and then some Jesus Christ. These guys are shooting like shit.

Um, but anyways, dude, this is the way to watch NBA hoop, by the way, too. You watch the replay. They fucking blow through it. Supposed to the 58 fucking timeouts in the end of the game. Przingus didn't do well on that one. Get blown right by. I think a lot of people thought he's stunk because he looks like Sean Bradley. The fuck.

Give him the fucking ball. Sorry. All right. I'm going to stop watching because I know that's annoying. All right. Here we go. A couple of reads for this week, everybody. Oh, they're back.

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Hey, zip recruiter.com slash burr. All right. Let's get back to the podcast here. The podcast. So I'm actually going to meet a friend today for some more high calorie dining for lunch, like a fucking dope. And I have been drinking like a goddamn fish. I went to sag it show by myself because my lovely wife was visiting some friends.

And I started off with a Budweiser and a maker's mock. And it's a great way just sipping along there. Right. As you watch the first, you get all the way to the intermission. You go out, you get yourself another one. I stayed away from the beer though. All right. Got me another little makers and I sat there and a dude, I was fucking glowing the whole show.

Maybe that's why I enjoyed both of those performances. Maybe it wasn't the performances. Do you think it was the booze? No, it's not true. Maybe I'm just an alcoholic. I know I drink like one. But the thing is the reason why I don't think I'm an alcoholic is I can literally just stop and be like, all right, then I start back up again.

It's because I crave it. No, as you know, I just some fucking board. Jesus Christ. Look at her. My goodness. The Hornets cheerleaders. There you go. God bless them.

One and all. Poor girls. He probably make like $11 a fucking game. Do you know that? You know what? All the people out there actually probably make less money than the children that sewed together their fucking miniskirts in the sweatshop in El Salvador. That's how bad they get fucked over. And then there's this big pipe dream that, you know, when the Charlotte Hornet calendar or the Vancouver Lady Canucks calendar comes out,

that they're going to get a piece of it and make all this fucking money. They don't make any fucking money. Okay, they hurt their cute little feet jumping around doing all the tumbling shit. And then they're not allowed to fuck one of the players and maybe get into his pockets. You know what I mean? It's like a gold dig in a hole would look at that like that's just a dead end job. That's like a cubicle job for a whore. But these ladies, you know, they like cheering on the teams they got to the amount of fucking money that they're not making.

Isn't that unreal? Wouldn't you think that they get at least a couple hundred bucks a game? You know what I mean? Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, whatever that fucking song. Are y'all ready for this? Wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, whatever the fuck the song is, right? Everybody clap your hands. And they come out there stomping their little cute feet, right?

The little B cup, A cup titties, right? Everybody slap your tits, right? And they go, they don't make any fucking money. And they sit there and they still smile. And if they even look at a player, they're not allowed to watch the fucking game. They got to have the back to the goddamn game, right? And there's a thing too, if one of those players went out, one of those players, is that that fucking Lou that used to be on the, the Knicks?

Is he playing with the Hornets now? He's got his fucking hair shooting straight up like that big time Hollywood producer, wins like an Oscar every five years. Brendan Glazer, Fraser. I don't know what his fucking name is. Anyways, if one of the players were to go out and fuck all of the cheerleaders, you know what would happen? They'd get rid of all of the cheerleaders.

And that's what needs to stop. I sound like one of those feminists right now. One of those feminists, ladies. Ladies, are you tired of working for men? Are you sick of getting paid less money to do the exact same job? Well, why don't you get off your cute little ass and start your own business? When are you going to wake up and realize that men who don't work for themselves are also getting fucked over?

Quit your crying and use your higher developed brains to get into business with another broad. And then you too can make zillions of dollars. You too can have your own yacht. You too can pour the waste from your business into the drinking water and claim that you had no idea what was going on. You too could then have a fall guy. Huh? And you could make it a guy?

You could unless you think that's unfair too. Then make it a fall lady. I had no idea. I didn't act alone. Okay. They put it in the back of my car. All right. All this bitch moaning and complaining.

Huh? I get no sympathy for any of you. I'm a balding redheaded male. Okay, go ahead. Cry me a fucking river. You think you're getting sympathy over here? What? Because it's fucking, because it's Christmas time

and what's left of my hair is the same color as Santa's suit. All of a sudden you think you're coming over here and I'm giving out free hugs? It doesn't work that way. I'll tell you right now. I'd body slam fucking Hillary Clinton if I could. Right in her own fucking pantsuit. Right on a table.

Give her the DDT. I'd do it. Just for lying and pretending like you give a shit about people. She's got to get in. If she gets in, it's because she's got to clam. I'm telling you right now, the dead fucking, it's the only goddamn reason. Why else would you vote for?

Why would you vote for the plumber's wife to come in and fix your sink? It doesn't make any sense. You know what I would do if I was abroad? I'd start my own volleyball league. You know? Instead of trying to get into the NFL, you don't want to do that shit.

It's run by guys. You know? They don't give a shit if the guys beat the shit out of women. You want to work for those animals? You want to give your talent to those cunts so they can make money off of you? Fuck that. Why don't you become the founder of your own sports league?

This is what you do. You pick a fucking sport women are good at like volleyball. Right? And it's got the crossover appeal where every guy likes looking at their fucking thick thighs and their booties, so we'll be watching too. You guys own the fucking thing. You start putting out jerseys, right?

Then women go and support it. And then you guys would make great money. Is that fucking Kurt Rambus? Speaking of getting clothes lined, it is. Oh, Kurt Rambus. Ah, he's lost it all in the back, hasn't he? I know that feeling. You know what's funny about basketball players?

The second you put them in suits, they look like freaks unless they're standing next to another eight-foot guy. They really are. Like, they're absolute freaks of fucking nature. Remember when I was a kid? If there was somebody just like shot up one year, went from like five, six to six-four, the dude was tripping over himself.

That's what big guys used to be like back in the day. You just stuck them under the hoop and they put their arms up and you threw the ball up to the ceiling. They caught it and they turned it around. Now they're fucking in the net like they're playing a nerf hoop. Now they're like, they're like fucking... I don't know, they're coordinated. So can you imagine, they always said that LeBron James

ever played fucking football? Holy shit. That guy would be the... If he could catch the ball, would you know he can, right? I think he's demonstrated that he has athletic ability. Dude, that guy would be like the greatest fucking tight end of all time. Provided he didn't get his knee blown out. That's the big fucking thing with football.

Oh, is it Bill? Is it a dangerous game that takes its toll on your body? Wow, we never knew that, Bill. Thanks for fucking chiming in there. Anyways, alright, that's the Thursday afternoon Monday Money Podcast just before Friday. Just checking in on you. Thank you to everybody who's bought tickets

to come out to these shows here in New York. And thank you to the Opie and Jimmy show for putting me on this morning. I had a great time going back in there and... Ah, man. I've had a lot of good fucking memories on that fucking show. You know, I wish it was the way it was, but it isn't, but it's still a good fucking time.

Alright, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. I'll talk to you. I'm going to try to do the podcast after... After... Eli Manning game. I got to, you know, I can't wait to see...

Is he finally going to throw a pick that we hold on to? Huh? Dude, we have not beat these fucking guys since the last game of 2007. They've owned us in the Super Bowl, the pre-season, the season, wherever you want to fucking play us. Wherever we want to play them, they beat our fucking asses. Only guys.

So, uh... I don't know. I think maybe... Maybe? Does it end now? I don't know. JPP is back, which is fucking unreal. The guy's basically playing with one hand.

Do you think it's smart that they wrap the whole thing up? Don't you want to at least use a couple of your fingers to grab onto somebody? I'm not trying to be a dick here, but I mean, can the guy use a little bit of his hand? Alright, I'm going to shut up. No, Bill, it's... Yeah, it is a dumb thing.

Well, you know better than the guys who fucking... the trainers for the Giants on how to wrap up his fucking hand. Um, alright, that's it. I overstayed my welcome. Okay, and now we're going to play a little bit of music, chosen by the wonderfully talented Andrew Thimulus, and we'll go into a throwback portion of the Monday Morning Podcast from a time not too long ago,

or possibly up to eight years ago. Sometimes I don't know when to get off. Alright, I'm sorry. Goodbye. I'm sorry. Let's talk about something here that absolutely fucking enrages me. As opposed to everything else that keeps me so nice and fucking calm. Um, somebody sent me a story.

This is unfucking believable. Some guy goes to jail. Alright, for rape. Listen to this. A man who spent 25 years in prison for a crime he did not commit. Alright, he went to jail for the rape of some woman, and in 2008, after DNA proved he could not have been the attacker, he was awarded $4 million compensation.

That's what he got. $4 million, you know, and sex offenders get treated the worst in prison. Alright, so that guy, you know, let's just say he was just some regular dude. He's like a fucking, you know, construction worker. Maybe he took a couple of karate classes, whatever. Now he's in fucking Thunderdome. People want to beat him down. Somebody's going to try to rape him or something.

We've all seen Shawshank Redemption. This is what this guy went through for 25 fucking years, and he didn't even do it. He didn't even fucking do it. So they give the guy $4 million. You know something? Those pieces of shit bank or motherfuckers are going to come in and tax him and hit him for half of that.

You know, that should be tax fucking free, but here's where it gets worse. Alright? The guy faces a court battle to keep hold of the money he was awarded for his wrongful conviction, because now his ex-wife, who divorced him three years into his life's sentence, has taken him to court in a bid to get a share of the $4 million compensation. She claims he owes her the money

that she would have been entitled to had they divorced and shared their assets. Can you fucking believe this shit? This guy went to jail for the worst fucking crime. It's got to be up there if you want to fucking argue about it, right? He didn't even do it. He's sitting there going, honey, I didn't do this. You got to stick by my side. She hangs in there for three years.

Go fuck yourself. I'm out of here. What do you think she's been doing for the last fucking 22 years? As far as I can tell, besides not working on a career, she's been out there sucking a whole bunch of other dicks. That's what she's been doing. So now it turns out that this motherfucker didn't do it. Okay, and she's stuck by his fucking side.

Stuck by his fucking side. This right here is a Hollywood movie, but she fucking left. All right? She left until her stank and puss smelt all that fucking money. All right? And this is what I want to know. Why isn't this fucking show on the view right now? On one of those shows with all the ladies.

Why isn't it on those shows? Why do they constantly show only guys doing shit to women? You know, I get it. Some fucking psycho throws acid on his ex-girlfriend. You got to expose that guy. You got to teach people about that shit. But how about a little bit of fair and balanced reporting? You think they're going to go after this fucking thing?

You think if those fucking whores saw this story in the green room, you think they'd be like, oh, you know what? Maybe we should talk about this. They're never talking about shit like this. All they do is talk about when bad shit happens to women. And if I, like this shit here that I'm talking about would come off as fucking misogynistic.

Hatred towards women. It's unreal. Well, you're taking this isolated, this isolated incident, and then you know I'm not. This isn't an isolated incident. Sugar Shane Mosey's getting a divorce. One of the greatest boxes of all time. His ex-wife not only taking his fucking money.

All right? She wants the championship belts too, and she was awarded them. This kind of shit happens all the fucking time. Unfucking believable. Can you find, and I'll tell you what the funny thing is, she's gonna get some money. She'll get money out of it.

The same way you hold the door for them, they don't pay for their fucking drinks. They turn around and get hammered, throw a drink in your face, and then the bouncer puts you in a chokehold, drags you up, and then you go to court for disturbing the fucking peace. And what the fuck does she do? She's in there feeling justified,

wondering if, you know, she has a lawsuit against you because she dislocated her elbow when she threw a beer bottle at your fucking head. Unfucking believable. I swear to God, if I could do life over again, I would be a judge. You know? And I would have a whole briefcase full of hammers

because by the end of the day, I would throw them at so many of these cunts fucking heads. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know, I couldn't. Then I would just be, he hates women. I would be disbarred within two seconds. I would love to be a judge. Lady, you might be the most...

If I could throw someone in prison for being an absolutely reprehensible, incurable fucking money grub and whore, it would be you. But I can't. The law does not allow me. So why don't you do me a favor? In a room full of perverts and scumbags,

you are the worst. So get out of my fucking courtroom and make it a little cleaner. You fucking piece of shit. I don't know. This isn't even funny anymore. That's just absolutely fucking ridiculous. What's even more ridiculous is the lack of national exposure,

a story like that's gonna get. So you know what? So let's keep it tally, shall we? We'll start with the sugar shame, Mosley. Something, you know, he's going through a divorce. She also has to get the fucking championship belts. You know, why? Because they match your fucking shoes,

that's a vindictive move, and she's trying to break a man. You know? We'll go with like the lighter ones. Kobe Bryant's getting a divorce, okay? He's worth $380 million. That means his fucking wife is gonna get $190 million. Probably can't hit a layup on a fucking nerve hoopset. You know?

And a bunch of broads will be like, yeah, she's entitled to it. She supported him. Unfucking believable. And these guys fucking blind. What about that goddamn yellow diamondy barter? Why don't you go take that down to a pawn shop and live off that for the rest of your fucking life?

All right, they have ringless... Unfucking believable. How many more men are gonna get sliced in half with these fucking... It's unbelievable. It's unfucking believable, and they don't do any stories about it. And when you bring it up, well, you know, we shouldn't have married her.

Yeah, she should have ducked. What if I said that, right? That I'm a fucking asshole? Oh, Bill, where did the Christmas go? What happened to the holidays? Georgia? Oh, fuck, I can't believe I gotta go Christmas shopping. Unbelievable.

All right, so there you go. If you wanna look up that story, I actually got that story from a great website called Barstool Sports. It's all Boston shit, so just to warn you if you're a sports fan of other sports. But, you know, they do have stories like this. All right?

The guy's name's Steven Phillips. His ex-wife is named Tracy Trucker. Oh, what a cunt. Dude, that is first ballot Hall of Fame cunt right there. No question. We're waving the five-year rule. You're going right in. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right, let's go to advice for the week. Advice. A lady at the office wants it. Okay. Hey, Bill, I was wondering if you and the lovely Nia, if she's around, could help me with an issue I've been having the past couple of months. It has to do with the fucking lady.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It has to do with the fucking lady at work. So this girl started at my office a little over two months ago, and I've been training her on basically everything. So we've been spending a lot of time together. Cue the porno music. All right, now this girl is by no means a smoke show,

but she is cute and she's the type of girl who gets more attractive when you get to know her because she's pretty cool. We have a lot in common, like musical tastes, and we both like the same beer, among other things. So you've obviously gone drinking, or at the very least, you've discussed, you know, going out and having a few. You know what's so funny about that, sir?

You didn't even think of that question. You dick did. Your dick is always closing. Your dick is always in a two-minute offense, you know, but you got to be careful because just like Brett Favre, it will throw back over the middle for a pick six, and I think that that's what you're about ready to do if you start banging some broad at work.

Unless you have the skills. Let me finish reading this thing here. All right, our job requires a lot of time on the road. Oh, God, this is just totally set up. Our job requires a lot of time on the road, so we have a lot of time to talk to each other while in the car. You're in the car. She smells good. She's crossing her legs.

How many times have you gotten a fucking hard on as you've been driving with her, trying to keep up some stupid conversation as your dick's going, do it, do it. Anyways, a lot of what we've been talking about is hookups and sex and what we both like and don't like. Dude, this is a layup. You're in there. And as I could have predicted,

a bit of sexual tension began to arise. What do you mean you could have predicted? Dude, don't fucking play this game with me. All right? You know what you're doing. A little bit of sexual tension that you fucking created. You're staring the conversation towards this exactly like you should be doing.

This is right down the checklist. By the time I get done reading this, you'll probably fucking blow a loader. You're doing everything you can to fuck this girl. Anyways, what didn't help the situation was one day when we admit to each other that we would bang each other if she didn't have a boyfriend.

Oh, Jesus. Dude, listen. Before we go any further, I totally respect what you're doing here. All right? What I don't respect is the way you're telling it to me as if this shit is just happening and you're not manipulating the situation, okay?

You're totally manipulating the situation. This is like t-ball. This is like pussy t-ball at this point. It's just sitting right there waiting for you to knock it out of the park. And it was all because of the excellent fucking work that you've done. All right?

I'm going to continue to read this. All right? But I want to tell you and everybody else, don't fucking talk to me like I'm an idiot. Yeah, yeah. You know, I had the sexual tension because we're sitting there talking about banging. How did you get on that subject?

What dumb subject was she talking about as you sat there and sort of fucking forced the conversation? You know, not forced. Because then she would have known. You just sort of gradually... How did you do it? How did you compliment her shoes or something?

You know? That's always a good thing. You know, it's a great fucking way if you're trying to figure out how to turn the topic to sex and you're, you know, you're not at a bar or anything, is you actually compliment another woman that walks by and be like,

wow, there's a beautiful woman. I could really... Women just find that fascinating. Why? What do you like about it? And you start with that as the jump off point and then you're in. Then you're in. Just don't reach out and grab a titty

in a moment of fucking reflex though. Because then you'll have a problem. The conversation only got worse as we talked as we talked about it more. Saying what we would do if we ever hooked up with each other. Yeah, first of all, this girl does not love her boyfriend. And...

Yeah, this is over. This is like a fucking red shoe diary at this point. Meanwhile, when we are in the office, she calls me from her desk from her desk to mine and sends me email trying to chit chat and shit and basically flirts hardcore.

See, right there, dude. Right there. You just had a meltdown in the nuclear plant. It's starting to spill over. You gotta get this girl under wraps. This is bad. To the point where people have asked if there's anything going on between us.

You sloppy. You young and you sloppy. When we're out of work, she texts me constantly which gets a little annoying but I'd be a liar if I didn't like it because I mean, who doesn't like flirting with an attractive lady? You told me before that she wasn't really that attractive.

But after a while she starts getting more attractive. What, after she says she wants to suck your dick? Ugh, fuck. You know what this is? This chick is like a virus and she's already contaminated your entire workspace. This might be beyond my help.

I don't even know where you're going with this. Anyway, so the situation came to a head one Saturday night when she texts me saying she wants to be drunk honest with me. I literally said, oh Jesus to myself. Why? You created this situation. And he goes

and I asked what she meant. She went on to say she wanted to make out with me because she's never felt this way about someone and even though she loves her boyfriend who she's about to move in with and plans on marrying she doesn't think that making out with me

is a big deal. I kind of brushed it off as a drunk text and she texted me the next day. I asked her if she had changed her mind and she said no and she still wanted to. So I asked you this sir, what the fuck do I do?

I know it sucks to be cheated on because I've been cheated on and I don't want to do that to this dude because I've met her boyfriend once and he's a good guy. At the same time, he's not my friend here's where his dick comes in to argue the other side of it

I'm not my friend and therefore I feel I need to be loyal I don't need to be loyal to him by not hooking up with his girlfriend. I know it'd be a sleazeball move on my part but she's old enough to make her own decisions and she has told me it wouldn't affect her relationship

with him. Oh Jesus dude whether or not she's actually true, I won't know unless I go through with this and wait for the fallout exactly. Once again, she told me she wants to do that

all she wants to do is make out and not bang but I know myself and as a 23 year old guy, making out doesn't quite do it for me anymore so I know I'll try to go further let me know what you think. Thanks in advance, love the podcast alright, alright, alright

the question you gotta ask, you need to ask two questions how much do you like your job and two, can her boyfriend beat the shit out of you? Does he have any felony convictions or anything like that because this whole thing is gonna blow up in your face

this is a confused woman she doesn't know what she wants to do, she does not be in a relationship, she's actually using you and you guys are going to fuck you might not fuck the first time but you're gonna fuck

and then you're gonna fuck on a regular basis unless you decide you don't want to and it's gonna get weird this is one of these girls no matter what, it's gonna get fucking weird so alright I don't know what to tell you here because I don't know

all the details but the smart move here is to not fuck this woman okay people already know this sexual tension so if you know she has a boyfriend they know she has a boyfriend and you're just gonna look like a piece of shit

and the whole thing is gonna blow up and it's gonna be gossip and you have any sort of like desire to move up in that country that company you're really gonna fucking screw that aspect of it up

there's plenty of fucking women you're 23 years old, you're in the prime of your fucking life go out and fuck somebody else alright and that whole thing there she's got a boyfriend blah blah blah blah blah I agree with you, that's not your fucking fault

okay but the thing about it is, what makes it weird is you're gonna see this girl again the next day and the next day and the next day you know what's gonna happen in your head, you're gonna be like yeah we're just fucking cause she said we're just fucking and she said it isn't a big deal

because she said it isn't a big deal and you know what, she's gradually gonna suck you when you're having a fucking relationship with her and you're gonna have to break up with somebody for fucking work and then she's gonna make your life a living hell this fucking girl, not only can she not keep her goddamn legs closed you know she can't keep her fucking mouth shut

she's gonna talk to somebody else and the whole thing's gonna fucking blow up alright so my advice to you is don't fuck this girl have a mature conversation with her and say look

it'd be one thing if you were single if you're not, you have a boyfriend I feel bad, I met the guy you wanna move in with him, you wanna get married this is the way you do I really find you attractive I would really love to hook up with you

but I just, I wasn't raised that way you just back out of it that way and just get the fuck out of it man, I'm telling you unless you haven't been laid in a while and you don't give a shit about your job then just fucking bang a right on your goddamn desk

in front of the security cameras you know put your website, write it on your back hahahaha and you know what fucking come right in her face give this dirty whore what she fucking deserves you know

but other than that I'm telling you the downfall of men, it's our dicks our dicks get us in more fucking goddamn trouble than anything else and if you can somehow make a rational decision

despite the fucking moron shit your dick is saying your dick is like that diva wide receiver on the football team screaming for the ball every other play you know and you know goddamn well it's double coverage

okay, all you need to do is just fucking wind down the last two minutes of the game and there's your fucking douche screaming at you what are you gonna do you know that's a tough one that's really a tough one

if you're gonna break up with it just act like you're an honorable human being and just say I can't do it cause you have a boyfriend just say it like you believe it and then get out of it and you watch what happens okay

just fall out to that it just feels like weird like you're not talking to me anymore bitch fuck you you psycho you already have a situation on your hands please by the way I'm actually invested in this emotionally now

I wanna know what happens please let me know if you fucker if you don't fucker what happens what doesn't happen and all that alright um jesus that's a fucking situation now you fucking douche bags

fucking douche bags trying to get this god damn iphone for what everybody's gonna have one in six weeks alright they got like fucking they got like 20 cargo ships right off the coast

filled with them just in a holding pattern just trying to work up the fucking ship right off the coast in a holding pattern just trying to work up the fucking nerd frenzy what are you doing

you're buying into it go fuck yourself ghost of steve jobs okay you want me to buy your phone fucko put it in the god damn store stock your fucking shelves

alright when you got plenty of them then you fucking call me and I'll go down and get your god damn phone you motherfucker you recently dead son of a bitch you're gonna fucking sit there you know

it's fucking ridiculous I have listened to fucking bobby kelly dude they got plenty of them dude go down to the store dude and I fucking go down there and they don't have them and they go you know we release a couple uh if you can if you go to our website dude

fuck your website sir don't use that language in this store this isn't a fucking store store has stuff that I can buy I don't walk into a store and then you tell me to go to a computer back at my house right

this is still a store right why don't you fucking call me when you got the shit that I want sit here play your fucking games you know I know that you didn't come up with it with your stupid

genius t-shirt huh how much of a fucking discount did they give you on the fucking iPhone for you to play ball huh Seth if you sit here and lead people around like this and create this artificial fucking frenzy for these god damn phones

really you came out with a new phone and you only made 18 of them you fucking cunts I'm sticking with the droid droid I'm sticking with this thing I like the droid because if you want one you can just walk over and buy it

I don't want to hear from any of you cunts who listen to my podcast yeah you just go in here you just pre-order I'm not fucking doing that alright I got too much shit to do during the course of the day

to fucking sit here and start filling out packing lists in their warehouse I don't work for those assholes down at the i store whatever the fuck you call it fuck them fuck their phone okay I'm gonna get one I'm gonna get one after the first of the year

with all you dumb fucks out there who spent way too much money on people you don't really give a fuck about you I I I I

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