Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-22

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Bill rambles about old pipes, dead batteries, and parking machines. Thursday Afternoon Podcast:  (start - 22:50) Thursday Throwback: (23:13 -  01:42:51) Anything Better NFL Preview: ( 01:43:59 - end) Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Yo La Tengo - Let's Save Tony Orlando's House SimpliSafe: Get 50% off any new system at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast that I'm doing on Saturday. So I'm not just checking in on you. I'm just doing this one now. Laying on my back in bed, fucking been sick as a dog. No, it's not COVID. No, it's not monkeypox. It might be scurvy. I've been on the road. I don't know what it is, but this has just been kicking my fucking ass for the last couple of days. It was hilarious. I went into the guest room because I didn't want to get my wife sick, slash my podcast studio, right? Right next to the garage, and there's this old ass heater in there, and the fucking thing, the heater got stuck on 80 degrees, and I

couldn't shut it off. And I was like, it was like, I would go to 80, and I would go to turn it down, and it would still say 80. And then it would show go down to like 71. And then when I let go of it, we'll go back up to 80. So I was like, what if I go past 80? Well, that unfreeze it, you know, this is my technical mind here, and go back down. So I fucking blew past it and went up to 90. And then it got stuck on 90. So I'm out there by myself. And it's just coming out. It's like there's literally a furnace, just blasting this hell's fire into this little ass room next to my garage. I'm out there all by myself. I'm fucking sick as a dog. I'm so excited to be home. And I want to hang out with my

kids and I can't do it because I don't want to get them sick. I can't hang out with my wife and I'm just out there and now this heat is just fucking blast and down. So my wife is going to bring something out, unfortunately, to me. And I said good because the heat is busted. And she goes out there and I just went on a fucking nose clogged tirade about how fucking stupid it is to own a house because I have every motherfucking thing from the front door lock from day one, the front door lock didn't work. I had to replace that all the way out to my fucking garage, every cocksucking motherfucking thing that could fucking break. I mean, everything, every fucking thing, the motherfucking pipe that lasts 100 years,

the original one that goes out to the fucking town sewer, the city sewer, that thing fucking went. And I had to get that thing fucking cost. I don't want to tell you how much that fucking cost me. Charlie Chaplin took shits through that pipe. That's how old that fucking thing was. And these guys came in, had to dig up my driveway, the walk under the fucking house. And I just fucking went off. And I was flipping out. So Nia just goes calm down. And I go, what do you mean, calm down? I'm fucking, what do you mean? I'm not fucking calm. Did she just like, she just walks away now when I'm in that mood. I'm glad she does it. She just fucking walked away. She tried to fix it and she couldn't fix it. She didn't,

she thought, you know, cause I suck at technology, you know, even like using a thermostat. It used to be just those little things that you just pushed up and down and that's what the fuck it was. You know, and I've just gotten to this age now where I can't fucking do anything. Oh, my kids are back. I can't do fucking anything, right? Like I go to a hotel room. It takes me like 20 minutes to figure like, where is the menu? Is it on an iPad thing? Is it on the TV? How do I work this? How do I turn on the fucking TV? Where the fuck are the lights? I think I talked about this. So I was just coming off the road from that shit. So I can't get this fucking heat to shut off. My wife can't get the heat to shut off. She

goes, all right, I'm going to go. And I said, fine, fine, get out of here, right? So she fucking leaves. I apologize the next day, right? Both my fucking nose was clogged up and I had goddamn fucking Dante's infernos blasted down on me. So finally I just fucking I go on the internet and I'm trying to figure this fucking thing out. I got the door wide open. It's freezing cold out. So now I got this ice cold air coming in with this fucking hot shit coming at me and I'm like, I'm literally going to get fucking malaria here. You can't get malaria unless you get bit by a fucking mosquito there and the field, whatever, you know what I mean? So what I ended up doing was I couldn't figure it out and I finally

just said, fuck it. And I went outside. I just started throwing switches. I had my little fucking iPhone. I couldn't see shit with the flashlight. And I finally found that I just fucking unplugged it. I unplugged it and it went by and just stopped. And then I went back into that cock sucking motherfucker. And dude, it was literally like, I mean, you could have taught a hot yoga class in this fucking place. And then I'm laying there on top of the covers. And then what was hilarious was then it slowly became fucking freezing. But there was a moment. There was like an 11 minute moment where it was the perfect fucking temperature that I was trying to get. But I feel vindicated because when the guy came to fix it, he did

say that the thing was fucked up. And he took the thermostat thing off. So I don't know. I don't know. So I've been sick for I don't know how many days and I've just been having like, you know, like when the universe is telling you to just go back home. It's a great thing with this guy. This Indian guys going like, you know, if you're having a bad day, just say fuck it. Go home try again tomorrow. Like that was just playing in a loop on my head. Like every fucking thing that could go wrong, like went wrong. I forgot my daughter's thermos when I dropped her off at school. So I raised back to go get it. And as my wife was coming up, bring it to me, I was looking at her to make sure she was pulling up. I didn't look

and I, I fucking hacked my rim on the curb. I was like, okay, all right, I'll get that fixed. I know a place that levels it out and paints it a fucking whatever, right? Drive down, drop that off, come back by someone's to go for a ride in the old truck. So I say, fuck it. I'm going to take him for a ride. Just drive up the hill, you know, a couple streets over, I can get up into the hills where the people have the views, right? And I go to start it up. Nothing. I mean, not even a noise. I was like, ah, you motherfucker. So then I fucking call triple A in these cunts. I haven't called them in years. And they're like, do you want to use a virtual assistant? And I'm like, no, you know, and then like,

is this address your address, your home address? I'm like, no. It's like, I'm not giving you all this fucking information. I pay your fucking money. I'll tell you where I'm at. Just fucking come over and throw a fucking battery and eat your cunts, right? They were great, by the way, but that whole fucking system, we just sent you a text message. Did you get it? And I did. And I just said, no, I just don't play the game. I wish you guys would stop playing the fucking game. You know, I just say, no, no, no, not doing it, not doing it. I want to talk to a person. I want you to send a person. I want to talk to the person and then fucking figure it out. So the guy finally shows up and I'm thinking the whole

time, like I literally could have driven to auto zone and just fucking bought a battery. I mean, replacing a battery has got to be other than an air filter, the easiest fucking thing to do on a car. And that's what I was thinking the whole time. And I'm just like, ah, you know, whatever. So I got a new battery out of it. So then I handled that. And then the one highlight of my day was I took my, uh, I took my son up the hill, you know, I go down side streets and then I cross one main street, there was nobody there. And I just took him up and we were going up the hill and he's going up the hill, up the hill. And one point we were driving up the hill, you know, the truck makes all this noise, it's an old school truck, you know,

and I looked over at him and he looked at me and he just ear to ear, broken to an ear to ear grin. And I was just like, this is what the fuck it's all about, you know, like he's gonna someday, you know, when I'm gone, he's gonna, my dad used to take me up that truck and we had a great time. I just like in the moment knew that that was going to be like one of those things. And I'll tell you, I'm teaching both my kids how to drive that thing, you know, how to drive a stick. I really believe in that shit, you know, and I fucking hate these goddamn iPads and stuff. Like my daughter, like now that you know, she has access to one, if you don't let her have one, it's like she's going through a breakup. It's like you shouldn't give a fuck

about something like this to that level at your age. So anyway, continuing my day, you know, even though I'm under the weather, I dropped my kid off because, you know, that's an important thing to me. Driving my kid to school and picking her up and fucking being there, right? So, you know, we listened to all kinds of music and stuff like I introduced her to the talking heads, which was so cool, right? So I always go deep cut. So I went with the party song Swamp. She kind of liked it or whatever. But then I was like, she kind of wasn't feeling it. So I went mainstream and played burning down the house. Now she loves that song. And she wants me not to sing it. She goes, dad, don't sing it. I want to listen to it. So now she's like requesting it,

which is good, you know, she likes AC DC, you know, as far as like my music, Aerosmith, Talking Heads, Joan Jett, and Queen. And her favorite Queen song is, oh, what the fuck is this song? Spread your wings and fly away, which was like, I wasn't even familiar with that song. I actually downloaded the album just like this past year when Taylor Hawkins passed away when they were talking about some of his favorite albums. And I knew that he was a big queen guy. So he would know the album to get. And this was one of the albums that they talked about that he liked or whatever. So I was like, all right, I got to get past all the radio queen shit. And I like that song. And I played it for

her. So she liked that. So all that part of the day was so fucking driving home. And I'm coming up and I'm in the middle lane. And there's like people on either side, it's like three lanes in the light screen, but nobody's going on either side. I'm like, what are they doing? They staring at their phones. So I start to go and all of a sudden this fucking junkie walks right in front of my car. And I had to like lock them up. And, you know, a seatbelt went tight on my, you know, daughter's chest and kind of, you know, cross her neck a little bit and she was crying. Then she was just like, why was that guy smiling? Because the guy was kind of looking at me doing like his Woodstock dance as I'm staring at him. You know, I mean, what are you going to do? The guy

is sick. He's literally sick. He's like on drugs. So my kids there. So I'm not going to curse him out and drive away. And she goes, oh, the seatbelt, you know, went on my neck. I'm like, sorry about that. And she goes, why was that guy smiling, dad? Why was he smiling? When you almost hit him, I was like, because he's on drugs. She's like, what are drugs? And I was like, oh God, like, all right, you know, when you spin around a lot and you stop and your head feels like, oh, it's like that. But worse. And you end up being like homeless and you're ruining your life. And she goes, and I, you know, it's probably too much information. She goes, well, maybe he was just happy because I said, all right, maybe yeah, maybe he was just happy.

Maybe somebody told him a funny joke or whatever. I got to watch that because I kind of let go, you know, my kid asked me a question. I'm going to tell him the answer. You know, we should get interesting at some point. But I think it's a huge thing though. Some things you should sugarcoat. But like, I swear to God, if my kid ever said to me is like, you know, is Santa Claus bullshit? I'm going to pause here in case you're listening with your kids and give me a chance to hit pause. If my kid at least said is Santa Claus bullshit, I'd be like, yeah, it's stupid. And I never wanted to fucking get involved in the lie. I don't know why I did, you know. Yeah, none of it's all bullshit. I don't know why

adults do that to kids. And I'm surprised there's not more of all the things they're trying to go back and undo. You know, like, just all the shit that you can do now that you couldn't do back then that doesn't make sense to me. I'm talking about combat sports and I'll leave it at that. And then all the things that you used to say that you can't say that I don't mean any racist or homophobic stuff, I just mean, like nitpick things like you can't use that expression, that expression actually, you know, that came out of slavery or genocide and it's like, I'm like, okay. I talked to you guys the other day how I looked up that expression, keep your shirt on, which was one of my favorite things ever. And I found out like back in the day, like the average

working class guy, Joe six pack back in the day, only had two nice shirts. So if he was going to get into a physical altercation, you took your shirt off. Because even if you won the fight, it was going to get all fucking ripped. And so if somebody's getting too heated over nothing, be like, Hey, man, you know, keep your shirt off. We're not going to fight. I'm going to have a fucking physical fight about this shit. So then the day continues. I went into this super store. Because my daughter wanted to, you know, she likes to test out the toys, she says, and then tries to get me to buy her shit, which I don't. And I just always go, you know, well, you know, maybe, maybe Santa will get that for you. One

of the things she wants is like a little phone. And it's actually hooked up to the internet. It's like, I'm not getting you that. And neither is air quotes, Santa Claus. Okay, I'm not, I'm not. She's like, why not? It's like, you know, someday you'll understand. Okay. You know, when you, when you all of a sudden have meetings that you need to get to, then you can get a phone. Okay. What do you have a zoom call at a playground? What the fuck am I doing here? So I go to go out to the super store. And you know the deal, it's all on you. You got to be your own parking attendant. I'm trying to find the fucking thing and I always lose it. Because I was upset with that junkie walking out in front of my car. I didn't, I couldn't

find it on my wall. I finally find the fucking thing. I stick it in. The fucking thing's not accepting it. It finally fucking accepts it. Then I stick my credit card in. It won't take the credit card. I do it two, three times. It won't do it. And then furthermore, it won't give me my fucking ticket back. Right? So now I'm like, well, now what do I do? And it has a little button, you know, hit this button to talk to a person. So I hit the fucking button. No sound comes out. Nothing happens. So now I'm like, now what do I do? I know what's going to happen. I'm going to end up getting charged more money. It was a dollar, right? So I go downstairs. I hit the call button. It rings and it rings. And this guy finally picks up. He's like, hello? I'm like, yeah.

I tried to stick my ticket in the machine upstairs and it ate it. It just took it. It wouldn't give me a back. And he goes, well, you got to, you got to go up there and get it. I'm like, I can't get it. It's in the machine. And he's going, all right, so you lost your ticket? It's like, I didn't lose it. I know where it is. It's in that machine. It didn't give me a back. And then the guy's going, all right, well, what you need to do is back up and go back. I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. He goes, all right, then you have to play a lost ticket fee. And I was like, oh, is that what I have to do? He goes, yes. I go, oh, thank you so much, sir. I just started being a cunt. Because look at how to fuck it. I'm not, it's not lost.

It's not lost. It's in that fucking machine. I'm not going to Seinfeld episode. It's not lost. So it cost me 15 bucks. What was so stupid was I charge it and I take the credit card out and the fucking gate's not going up. And I'm thinking like, I was too sarcastic to that guy on the other line. So he's just not going to push that button. And what I ended up realizing was there was, there was a little ticket that came out. And if I didn't take the fucking ticket, for whatever reason, the stupid gate wouldn't go up. It was funny. There was a guy in front of me, a guy, and he pulled through and there was enough time if I wanted to, to go underneath. But I knew what was going to happen was this fucking guy was going to stop before you had to make a right.

And then also, I just, you know, there was enough trauma with the fucking junkie out there. All right, let me read the advertising here. And then I'm just going to, I'm just going to, that's going to be the end of the podcast here. Plus, we'll have a bonus episode. I'm just fucking under the weather here. All right. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's simply safe. You know, if you simply safe, you know, if you thought about securing your home with home security, if you thought about having meatballs and spaghetti with spaghetti and meatballs, what kind of writing is that? If you thought about securing your home with home security, what else would you secure it with? But have been putting it off, you'll want to listen up. Right

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That is it. That is all. Have a great weekend, your cunts. And I will talk to you about that. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, November 10, 2014. How are you? How are you doing? What's going on? How was your weekend? Oh, did it go by too fast? They always do, don't they? Those fucking days off, nothing flies by like a fucking day off. It's unbelievable. Why the fuck does it work like that? Why shouldn't a day off go by just as slow? There was any if there's any sort of like just fucking fairness in the goddamn world, wouldn't a day off go just as slow as a work day? You know, there's, you know, there's some egghead out there. Well, technically it does.

They have all 24 hours. Shut the fuck up. Actually, you know what? Egghead, why don't you hang out with me on my day off and then it'll fucking go just as slow as a Tuesday. It's nothing worse than a Tuesday. You know, everybody fucking talks about Mondays, right? Like that fucking band where the dude was banging his own daughter. The mama's and the papa's. Were they the one who sang that song? Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. You know. What was that, Karen Carpenter? Sitting there just eating the crust of a sandwich. Karen, why, oh, don't do that, Bill. No, it's too early in the podcast. All right. Don't fucking start giving Karen Carpenter shit just because you're jealous because she's a better drummer than you could ever be. All right,

Bill. Fucking stand down. No, that's all that shit. That old, that whole thing where, you know, three weeks of working out is like negated by three days of bad eating. You know? I don't know what it is. Like, I don't know, I've become old Frito face the last couple of fucking weeks and it's like I never did a pull up in my life. You know, so I got to get back on the stick. I'm actually back here east coast last night. I got to do the comics, come home. That was actually, I thought it was going to be a Guinness Arena again. It was at the Fleet Center, the TD Bank, North Garden, fucking whatever, whatever the fuck they call it, where the Bruins and Celtics play, that we actually had the show there. I had a great time. I went on last after a bunch of Beast Comics

and speaking of pull ups, we were in the bowels of the arena and they had like these pull up bars, which I imagine, you know, Bruins or Celtics use. Probably the Bruins Celtics are too fucking tall to do a pull up, aren't they? And I was over there with Lenny Clark, who's like 63 years old and he does pull ups and he fucking bangs out like 10 of them. It's 63 Lenny Clark. Right? This is what we're doing before we're going on. He had just came off with his fucking lime green pants. The guy's such a character. First of all, he's wearing these daddy war bucks like loafers with these gold inlays, with these sweatpants and a t-shirt. He's walking around before the show. So I'm looking at the shoes and I'm going, all right, those are definitely his

show shoes. There's no way he's wearing the rest of that shit on stage. And those shoes are the big hey, I'm in showbiz fucking part of the outfit. And who would have known that those shoes were actually going to be the muted effect to tether the whole outfit to some sort of earth? I believe he had on, I can't really tell because you couldn't look at him for too long, you know, without going blind. He had on lime green fucking pants and some sort of blue pink paisley shirt tucked in as you do. I mean, that's just standard fare when you have on lime green plants. And then he had on his fucking black slippers with golden lace. So anyways, he's dressed like that. I'm wearing my show shirt. We're in the bowels of the fleet center

or the TD bank north, whatever the fuck they call it, right? The jobbing.com center, whatever the fuck they call the thing this year. And they had the pull up bar. And I was showing them how to increase the amount of pull ups that you can do by doing the negatives you got to do the negatives do right to fucking Boston morons, you know, going up and then going down slowly, you go down slowly because usually you just let gravity do that. Well, instead of using your muscles, and that will actually increase your pull ups over time. If you do that, you know, if you do that, and then every once in a while when you go to do your three sets of pull ups, you bang out the first set, you just go until exhaustion as many as you can do. And even after you can't bring your chin over the bar,

you still do reps and just count reps, you know, and that's the way you go from 12 to 15, 15 to 17 and that type of thing. So that's basically what we were doing while we were waiting to go on. And Tony V was there and he brought some cigars. Mark Marin was on the show. Bobby Kelly was on the show. Jimmy Fallon, Jim Gaffigan, Dennis Leary hosted. It was just, it was just it was a veritable hose hoe of the whole scene. And I already know I forgot a couple of fucking guys, you had spinning when you do like a gig that goddamn big. But it was just a great time. All the Bruins were there. And got to hang out a little bit with those guys. And what else? I don't know. It was just my head still spinning from being able to perform this fucking unbelievable, really unbelievable.

It was an amazing night. Cam Neely, Jesus Christ, I knew I'd forget somebody. Cam Neely was there. It's only his frigging benefit. And then they had all these guys like made tapes and stuff. John Stewart, Conor O'Brien, and a hilarious one. All this, great time, raised a bunch of money. And I did my shit. I got my new jokes. I pissed a few people off, but I don't know. It's just, it's fucking weird. It's just where my act is right now. And it's one of those things with stand up where it's not like learning how to play drums or guitar. You can't practice it by yourself and then go out and go do it. You have to try it out in front of people. So you know, overall, I thought my set went well, went off the rails a little bit or whatever. But

what are you going to do? It happens. You know, every once in a while you're going to the God rail there. But it was still, it was still a great time. It's always good to see all the fellas there. And I don't know. So I can't believe it's 20, it was 20 years, 20 years of that fucking thing. And I actually, this is how old I am. I did the second one early on. I did this. I did the second one, which seems like about six years ago, but it was actually 18 years ago, believe it or not. So they're 19 years into doing it, but it's the 20th one that they did. And I did the second ones for all you fucking eggheads out there who are going to send me tweets going, actually, shut the fuck up. All right. I was 28 when I did the first one. And now I'm 46. It's basically

what I'm telling you. I don't know. It's crazy. I can't believe how much fucking time has gone by. Patrice's mom was there, Georgia, of course. It's always nice to see her. We were all excited about the benefit. We're doing it. The third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit that's coming up in February. Once again, we'll be at the city center in New York City, putting together that lineup as we speak. I don't know. It's all always a good thing. And of course, the always adorable Jimmy Serpico was there looking as adorable as ever. It's weird. Most of us are aging, but Jimmy Serpico for some reason, he just keeps getting more adorable with every year. You know, you just want to pick them up and take them home.

I'm just fucking with him. Anyways, so, oh, fucking Joe Unetti was there. How the hell did I forget Joe Unetti to actually fucking beat cancer this year? And he has a terrifying, terrifying story as to how he got it. So if you'd like to hear it come out to Saugus tonight, I don't know if he's going to do it. I assume he's going to do it. He told the story last night. It's fucking unbelievable. I think he, I don't know if he says how he got it. I was actually, once he started doing the story, I was like, I got to get out of here because if he's going to be going this level of personal stuff, I'm going to bomb after him. But he told the story of how he got it. So if you can't make it to giggles and Saugus tonight,

up on route one, you know, diagonally up from the fucking Kowloon, go see Joe Unetti live. It's, it's a fucking scary story because if he got it, any of us could potentially get it. It's fucking terrifying. And speaking of terrifying, my flight from Los Angeles into Logan airport, everything's going, everything's going fine. Right? We take off from LAX. You know, when you look down to the left, you see that little fucking barrier where Marine Del Rey is where Bravo airspace is, you know, where the helicopters go 150 feet off the fucking surface to transition the Bravo airspace. We're fucking up and over those cunts. We bang a left. We're climbing up, you know, going back over Hollywood was so high up. I can see over the

Hollywood Hills. I can see into the valley, you know, I saw UCLA campus. Then you see LA Coliseum went right over the fucking Rose Bowl. And then right off into the Mojave Desert flew right over Vegas. I looked down, I saw this stratosphere, right? Then you're into Utah, you go over the continental divide, the fucking Rocky mountains. And there we are. We're on the great plains. The food supply, everybody. That's where they poison it right there from the halls of Montezuma. God bless America, right? Flying right over our food supply that for some reason, some reason we're letting these cunts poison it. Right? Some reason we're going after the terrorists over there, but the fucking ones in the suits over.

It's okay. It's okay. Spray the big casino all over it. Keep the bugs off it. Fantastic. Just rinse it under a faucet. You'll be fine. Anyways, hey, feed that cow some more cow. Cut the beaks off them. So you fly over that shit, right? Then I don't know. By then the sun started going down and everything was fine. And, you know, I was working on writing some stuff. And I was shooting the shit with this guy. And I was telling me he's got this room. He's got a garage, right? With a room over it, which is my dream fucking house, man. I always wanted to have an old house with a detached garage with a room over it. I already told you this shit. I turned the upstairs into a drum room slash cigar bar slash hooker lounge slash sports bar like every man

wants, right? So he basically had that minus the hookers, minus the cigar bar, minus the drums, whatever. He added this fucking pool table and all that shit. So we're having a great time. Just a good guy shooting the shit with, he wasn't coughing. He didn't seem like he had Ebola. It was a nice time. So all of a sudden we started our initial descent to the Boston area and we're out over the fucking water, you know? And all of a sudden we're just doing like this circular pattern. I think we went north of the city up by New Berryport in Marblehead. And we're just doing like this fucking circle. And we go around and we go around again. And I'm thinking, this is a holding pattern. There seems really low. And the guy comes on. He's like, yeah,

we're having a little mechanical issue. We're going to try to work it out and we'll be on the ground shortly. I love that. We're having a mechanical problem. But we expect to be on the ground shortly. That can be taken two different ways. Either we're going to fix it and I'll be able to land this fucker or it's going to be a catastrophic failure of something at which point gravity is going to take over and land this plane for us, right? Right to somebody's back deck there. So long story short, I wasn't even paying attention. That's the weird part. I wasn't nervous at all, which was another weird thing. So he comes on the fucking thing and we're going in for the landing and he said, okay, we're going to begin our initial descent to our final, whatever, blah,

blah, blah, Logan airport. Just to let you know, there's going to be some emergency vehicles on the runway. There's nothing to be concerned about. This is just standard procedure, blah, blah, blah, it's like, what the fuck you mean? It's nothing to be nervous about. They brought out the fire trucks. I know what this is for. This is in case we're all covered in jet fuel in eight minutes and we're on fire. At which point you can't really save any of us. You're just preventing this airplane from burning down the rest of the airport as we cartwheel down the fucking runway. So anyways, long story short, there was a flap that was stuck. Somebody said it was stuck up, but we had to land faster than normal. So I don't think it was able, I don't think it was moving.

You know, don't you go flaps down or whatever to slow the fucking thing down when you go to land? Isn't that what all these years of flying? I believe that that's what happens. But whatever, we had to land faster than probably what you're supposed to probably outside the envelope, as the pilots say, landed. No, it didn't even land that hard. You know, and everybody in the back applauds. Nobody in first class applauds, you know, because they don't have any souls, including myself, you know, and so we land and we pull over whatever and it was pretty fucking awesome, pretty awesome feeling knowing that the guy was that good. They basically just prevented us all from dying. I guess they all do it every time they land it safely, but to be able

to kind of handle that, I just can't imagine being that pilot up there. You only like comforting feeling I would have, which you would have more concern for the people in the back than you did for yourself. So you can kind of stay relaxed and just be thinking, I have to keep my wits so I don't kill these other people. But other than that, what a, what a responsibility. Can you imagine that? If I fuck this up, I'm going to kill 350 people, you know, and then even worse, whenever, you know, a plane goes down, they examine it. And if it comes down to being like, even though that was a mechanical situation, you know, at some point they try, they put it on the pilot insurance companies. See, you know what? It was Chuckie's fault. Hey, fuck, he wore the wrong kind of shoes

and he was pushing too far, right, right? They'd figure out something, somehow to blame it on the pilot, you know, so they can kind of keep the lawsuits at a minimum. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So whatever. This guy landed us there safely. Thank fucking Christ. And so I've been back here in my hometown for the last, since Friday, and I've been, I've been pretty good. I have not, I have not hit one of my old eating hunts, because I put on a little bit of fucking weight there as I was sitting in the writer's room, writing F is for family or pitching jokes as the writers write it. And, you know, you know, the deal, I get like 510 outside the fucking zone and I stand in the mirror and I fat shame myself. I give myself a little fucking

half time speech, you know, what the fuck was that today? You know, and then I get myself back on the stick. So I'm telling you all this shit that I say, despite the fact I don't know anything about nutrition, or I know very little, I'm telling you, my tricks fucking work. When you just can't stop yourself and you know you got, you want to eat a large pizza and you fucking know it and you know you shouldn't. You're actually stepping outside the craving, you know, to be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? Do not shove that fucking wheel of shit down your throat. Walk away. All right, drop the fucking walk away, right? You know it. You know what you're supposed to do, but you can't, that craving, that sugar, salt, fucking craving, it's just having, it's like,

you're not even controlling your body, you walk over there. That's when you just have to override it with common sense and order a fucking salad as quickly as possible, shove that down your fucking throat and immediately, not immediately, take about five minutes, your levels, whatever that is that craving levels off because you're full, fills you up. And then you look at that page and you go, what the fuck was I thinking? Why the hell would I ever do that? So I did that to myself. I made a game plan before even left. I went to the airport and they had one place you could actually get a salad, right? And I fucking shoved that down my throat before I got on the plane. And then I got on the plane and then I was fine. And I had a banana

for the flight, shoved that down my throat. I kept pounding the waters to keep the stomach full. And at one point I had to give in, I bought, I got a fucking whiskey. And, and then that was it. I was like, all right, I did a great fucking job. And then all of a sudden the plane broke. And I was like, ah, fuck, I should have got the Sunday. Hey, is it too late to order some food? Keep the drinks coming there, sweet hat. Whatever, we ended up fucking landing safely. And I'm back on the stick, landed, banged out my fucking hundred push-ups, right? And the next thing you know, the next night I'm doing a gig and before I go on stage, I'm doing pull-ups with Lenny Clark.

All right, that's the kind of dedication you have. So all you fucking assholes out there telling me about your metabolism, go fuck yourself. All right, you know what you're doing and you know what you need to be doing. All right, you're fat. It's not a fatal disease unless you fucking stay that way. You know, I got a buddy of mine, right? He's, he's a tub of shit, you know, and I've given up on him. I've just given up on him because he went to the doctor and he goes, he's just saying like, dude, my doctor said, genetically, my fucking heart is unbelievable. You know, and it's just like, all right, is that all he said? That's all he said. Oh yeah, you don't have to worry about it. You got a great heart. You're sure he didn't say, hey,

luckily you have a good heart, but if you continue to do this, you could have the heart of a Clydesdale. It doesn't matter. You're going to take it down. You know, Jesus Christ, people, just go around, walk around. You've heard this before. Over the age of 60, like how many like, like fat people do you see? I'm not trying to be a dick to anybody who's overweight. Okay, I'm rooting for you. I'm just giving you some tough love here. You don't see him. You don't see a lot of like fat people, like a fat 70 year old guy walking around. That's why all the Santa Claus is at the mall or either some young fatty that they put rouge on his cheeks to try and make them look jolly, you know, and then they put some cotton over this fucking eyebrows.

There's a reason why there's not a bunch of fat old Santa Claus is because they're dead. Right. That's what I'm here to tell you on this podcast. Santa Claus died of a major cardiac arrest when he was 58 playing pickup down at the Y, you know, he thought he'd play center and just post up and he thought he'd be fine. He forgot he had to, they were playing full court. He had to get back on defense and that was it. That was it. He fucking collapsed right before he got to the half court line. And right before he passed out, you heard the whistle blow for the back court violation. That's a true story. All right. And that's why to this day you have young skinny guys playing Santa Claus at the mall. See that?

There you go. And I hate to bring that up as we, we ease in as we begin our initial descent into the holiday fucking season. Oh shit. It's the holiday season. Do be, do be, do. So here's the deal. You know, you're going to eat like an absolute fucking pig on Thanksgiving. You know, you're going to eat like an absolute fucking animal in December. You know what's coming. So why don't you get in fucking great shape right before Thanksgiving and just say, listen, I'm going to go off the rails on Thanksgiving. Friday, I'm going to get back on it. Saturday, I'll probably have a fucking turkey sandwich with a little bit of stuffing in there and maybe some spiked eggnog if I can fucking handle it.

And then whatever, then you're back on it. Then Sunday, you have a giant fucking salad. Okay. Then you go easy. You go easy. You go into fucking, you're going into December, right? Oh, here come all the holiday parties, little wind shear, right? You're trying to keep the fucking level. You know, you got to go into these parties with the game plan. And who's kidding? Who? If you're eating the way you're eating and you are a tub of shit, you know, on some level, you don't love yourself. You don't. All right. And that's how it manifests itself. All right. But the only thing bigger than your own hatred for yourself is probably

you're discussed for other people. I'm just using this as a possible motivational factor. So why don't you go into that party and look around the party and silently compete with everybody there. And as you're watching other people just shoving this shit down your throat, just know that you're going to win this game. You're going to win this game tonight, right? You're not going to be the one who's going to come out, right? With a loss on this one. I'd be standing there handing out fucking cakes to people, shoving drinks down their throat, right? Be that guy. Take a couple of parties off. Just drink waters and just watch what people do. And you'll hear people going, Oh my God, I have to stop. Oh my God, I have to stop. They can't

fucking stop. You know, they're settling with power right into that fucking sugar salt. Fucking situation, right? The situation. That's what you do. Oh, that's another thing too. When you get to the bar, if you can just order the water first and you drink that, you know, then you're fine. You're fine. Then your brain's like, Oh yeah, I'd like some more water. And then you watch your friends start getting bleary-eyed. And that's actually kind of fun. You just stand there watching your friends like roofie themselves and you watch them say dumb shit to each other that they're going to have to apologize for. And you walk out of this squeaky fucking clean, right? You don't want to be fast, Eddie.

You want to be Minnesota fats, right? You ever watched the hustler? Remember that when he gets all sloppy drunk and Jackie Gleason, you know, takes out the fucking towel, freshens himself up, throws his jacket on and fucking kicks Paul Newman's ass. That's the guy you want to be walking out of the Christmas party. Then you, but you pick one. You pick one fucking Christmas party where you're going to throw down. You've got to have some sort of fun where you're just going to get absolutely fucking obliterated, all right? And that's the one your boss isn't there, you know, that skank you want to fuck isn't there. All the fucking temptations aren't there. It's just you and the booze staring each other down like one of those fucking UFC

posters, right? UFC 2006, the abomination, whatever the fuck, they're out of fucking adjectives for those things, but I'm still ordering all of them because I love it, right? Just you and we are your favorite drink. Some of your friends with the game and a little bullshit Christmas tree, right? Whatever a couple of prostitutes dressed up like fucking Santa's girls, which he never really had if you really watch those specials, you know, but everybody has their own version. You got to respect all religions, you know, get yourself a couple of whores running around, you know, to give you drinks, you know, creating this fucking utopia. And that's the one you just get fucking blind drunk and you just celebrate the baby Jesus the way it was meant to

be. And that's how you do it. Then the next day, you're right fucking back on it. You're right back on it. And then you join me at the fucking Rose Bowl and watch me get blind drunk. And then that's it. You pick your spots, pick your spots and you give it a little face wash and then you'll be fine. You know, is it me or do I sound more out of my mind this week than most weeks? I'm not sure. You know what it is right now? It's football Sunday. It's the middle of the afternoon. The first game of the week is on the one o'clock games, basically back here at East Coast. And why aren't I watching? Why could I give a fuck? Because the Patriots aren't playing today. I hate the fucking bye week. I hate it. It's like all

it's like that feeling when your team gets knocked out of the playoffs and all of a sudden it's like, fuck, now what do I got to do? All of a sudden, it's just like, yeah, yeah, we're just going to give you an experience of the off season during the season. Just give you that little flip, make your heart skip a goddamn beat. So I don't know what to do with myself. I want to watch that four o'clock game. Seahawks versus the Giants. I always like, you know, I like the defensive teams. And I'm also interested to see, I want to see Eli, even though Seahawks haven't been as good as they were last year, as always happens, you know, you went deep into the playoffs, won the fucking Super Bowl, you know, Pat Riley, the disease of more that I learned through the Bill Simmons book.

People leave, try to get more money. Every coach thinks they're a fucking head coach. All that bullshit happens. But still, the core of the team is there. And I love watching Eli play against great teams, because he always has big games. So, but it is a regular season. So who knows how he'll perform. But I'm looking forward to that one. So that's the game I'm going to watch, if you give a fuck, at which point it already happened. Right. So why am I talking about it? Well, because I got to fill up an hour, basically. Oh, my apologies last week. I guess the, judging from the 2000 emails I got and tweets, the volume was a little low last week. I apologize. We're still working out the niches on the, or the glitches, I should say, on the new,

the new All Things Comedy podcast studio, which we hope to be have fully functional soon. Obviously, this week, I'm back in Boston, so I won't be using it. But next week, I'll be right back in there. So anyways, what went on this week in the wild? What went on the world? I went on in the world, fucking Phil Rudd, drummer of AC DC, gets arrested for allegedly trying to hire a guy to murder two people and they found meth in his house. You know, Phil Rudd's one of my favorite drummers of all time in my favorite band of all time. And I got to tell you, for the fucking life of me. All right. Who the fuck starts doing meth at 60 years of age? All right. I hate to criticize the guy. I love the guy. Love the guy to death. But what the fuck meth? I mean, still doing blow at 60. What the fuck

that does to your heart? Man, it's unreal. And if you saw his pictures, he didn't even look like himself and he actually looked like he was missing some teeth, like this fucking guy was doing meth. At least he looked like it. He looked like those billboards you see when you drive through the Midwest, not like Chicago, not Ohio, you get into the Midwest. That's slipknot country, right? That, you know, different factions of the clan marching down the street part of the fucking the upper Pacific Northwest, right? Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, the Badlands and the Dakotas, right? That fucking level of meth. But the charges have been dropped. He's still being charged with meth. And, but at least they

dropped the other bullshit. So as far as I can tell, I think they're still going to tour on this album with them. But if they don't, what do you think they would do? Do you think they go back to Simon writer Chris Slade? I know Chris Slade openly is discussed. He did not like how he exited the band. I don't know that they, according to him, I don't think they called them. They basically had Phil run the band. They had a dust up Phil run Malcolm. So much, you know, about this fucking band. I actually know the true story, but I'm not going to say it. Why not, Bill? Because I'm not a dick. Well, I am a dick because I brought it up. I talked to a drummer, another band, and he actually talked to Phil Rudney, told the fucking story, why the fuck he got kicked out. And, you

know, it's one of those old TV stories. Whatever, he gets kicked out. They get this guy, Simon, right, 20 years old, next, you know, he goes from fucking playing the local bands. The next thing you know, he's in Simon, right, quits AC DC to join deal. Right. I guess he was sick of playing the four, four shit. He wanted to do something else. So he leaves, then they get Chris Slade. And after nine fucking years, they decided they want to go back to Phil Rudd. According to Chris Slade, without him knowing he was out of the, he found out he was out of the band when the band sent out a pre press release that he was no longer in the band and that they had gotten back together with Phil Rudd. With, you know, if it went down like that, then, you know,

I'm sure when Chris Slade hears dirty deeds, he probably has a different fucking view of it now than other people. Oh, Jesus, Bill, did you really have to do that fucking old joke? Well, you know, it's a long podcast. What do you want from me? So anyways, nice to hear that Phil Rudd is no longer being charged with hiring, trying to hire fucking Travolta and Sam Jackson's fucking characters and Pulp Fiction. He's clear to that. Now, now it's just meth. Now he's just another fucking guy on meth. 60 years of age. Come on, Phil. You know what's funny? When I first read it, somebody sent me a text that Phil Rudd and I immediately thought, Paul Rudd. And I was going like, how the fuck? Who the fuck would that guy want to have killed?

He's a nice guy. He's a family man. What the fuck? Like that one really blew my mind. Then it was Phil Rudd and still kind of blew my mind, but I still kind of understood it. You know, those rock stars, right? You get a couple of hit albums under your belt next thing you know, you got a pistol in a big bag of Coke. You know, you know, you know what you're saying anymore, right? You're pouring vodka in your mouth in a swimming pool while they film it. Anyways, oh, good news. I have teased the people down under Australia, New Zealand, and I have fucking threatened that I was going to be doing a tour down there. It is coming together. The dates are together. It's going to be the end of January beginning of February right now. It is a 10 day tour that's going to include

two cities in New Zealand. All those fuckers, Australian one, Perth, Brisbane, however the fuck you say it, Melbourne, Sydney. I don't know what else I got in there. And then we're also trying to possibly tie an Asian run in there where I might believe it or not do India. We just have to see if there's any sort of interest there. I mean, I know I won't make any fucking money, but why when you go to India? You know, Christ, I'm talking to those people every day on the fucking phone anyways. Anytime I get into some automated thing, right? Be nice to talk to some of the people on the other end of that phone. I know this woman that books Singapore, but I'm afraid to go there after that caning video and considering spitting gum out on the sidewalk is illegal.

I don't know how they would react to my act, like how many fucking lashes that would be, but I'm not into being, you know, having my butt cheeks having muscle spasms as I'm waiting for the next. Oh my God, how bruised up would I be? Is fucking German Irish and pasty as I am? Oh my God, after that first lash and it would look like a fucking face is a death video. Holy shit. So anyways, I'm really, really looking forward to going over there. Speaking of AC DC, Bond Scott rests his soul as final resting place is in Perth. So I'll definitely have to make a trip to that. And then other than that, you know, I just, I'm excited to go over there and, you know, watch my step. Don't step on any of those fucking brutally poisonous snakes they have.

We're actually trying to figure out how to do the tour right now because from LA to Sydney is a 14 hour flight. And if you ever do it, what you want to do is don't you see is take the 4pm flight. All right, you get on the plane, you have a fucking meal. No, you watch a movie, then they bring you a meal, then you watch another movie. You just killed four hours, then you go to sleep. Eight hours later, there's your 14 fucking, that's 12 hours, right? Whatever, give a take. Basically you wake up, you're almost on final approach. It's the best. Flying back sucks. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to tell you. Other than to get blind fucking drunk and take a fucking horse tranquilizer, you're just going to have to kind of sit there and take it

and keep looking at your window hour after hour realizing you're over a place where there's nowhere to land. So anyways, but so you fly 14 fucking hours from LA to get to Sydney, and then Sydney to Perth is basically like flying across the continental United States. I want to say it might be a little bit shorter, but who the fuck wants to do that? But my guy is saying, well, what if you flew to Melbourne, stayed there for a day, got a good night's sleep and then got up the next fucking day and then fly? I'm thinking just get it over with. Just fucking get it over with. I don't know how we're going to do it. But the good thing is once you're there, you're there. And I don't fight jet lag initially. You know, you got to stay up. You got to stay up. Fuck that. No, you don't.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You wake up fucking 11 o'clock at night, like it's seven in the morning. And you just go on YouTube and you watch old Super Bowls. And you'll find a casino. There'll be something to do, right? But anyways, I'm really looking forward to doing that. And then also later on in 2015, I'm going to be doing an Eastern European tour, possibly maybe touring all of Europe. And so the way I'm going to try to do it is I'm breaking up my tours over a two-year period. I'm figuring out this strategy. And the tours are Eastern Europe, Western Europe, Australia, Asia, and then Canada. And then I always have the United States is an ongoing thing. So I just sort of, when I'm not touring the States, I'll just break off and do like a 10-day tour of one of those.

And I've always been putting out my special on Netflix. And as Netflix has grown and they've gone worldwide, I keep getting more people that know who the fuck I am and I keep expanding it. And the great thing about that is as the dollar collapses, I have all these different other fucking places where I can maybe earn money in their currency and I can come back here and buy a Pelt to put over my junk because there's no way I'd ever leave this country. Just fucking would survive it. So anyways, and plus, as I increase, you know, people liking what the fuck I do, I got this cartoon coming out. I know I'm hyping it 13 months early. F is for family. We wrote another killer fucking episode. I cannot wait for this thing. I cannot fucking like no

thing I've ever done. I cannot wait for you guys to fucking see this thing. And I know I'm an asshole for bringing it up this early, but it is the most fucking fun I've ever had doing it. Netflix has been unbelievable. They're actually saying push it further, push it further, push it further. They've been ridiculous. They've been unbelievable to work with. And you know, and just the people that I'm writing the thing with and everything is, as I say, they're writing it. I just sit in the writer's room and I pitch my jokes. But I can't fucking wait for this thing to come out. You know, and even if we only get to do six, I swear to God, when I'm 80, I'll be talking about how much fucking fun I had doing it. And that's that is no joke. So anyways, what do we got here?

Let me see if he sent me the fucking advertisement. Yeah, I'm killing time here. Oh, gotta love the Bruins app right here. Up to the minute fucking, do you guys have, do you guys have like the apps of your favorite teams? I love when they do that. I have this one in the NHL one tells me about all the trades, everything that's going on. This is not a commercial, by the way. Defenseman David Worsowski sustained a groin injury and will be out two to four weeks. You see that now I can get on with my fucking life. Oh, you know, it was one of the coolest things I got to do last night.

And I'm going to have a YouTube link to this. I got to talk to Adam McQuade and I remember one of my favorite things moments of the Bruins over the last few years, other than them winning the Stanley Cup. And always Bruins, Canadians games are always fucking great. Win or lose, they're always fucking awesome to watch. Was I remember we played the, the Phoenix coyotes and Rafi Torres, you know, dirty play fucking, his elbow or shoulder and Ference right in his jaw and McQuade, immediately as the dude was throwing the elbow or the fucking shoulder, his gloves were already on the ice and he beat the fuck out of the guy. It was just textbook, how to stick up for your teammate and hockey. And once again, you know,

well, I'll have a link to that fight if I can find it. And once again, I was talking to, we were talking about hockey on the way over to the garden the other night, still can't fucking believe I got to perform there. And you know, we were talking about, I was saying how, you know, that was that bench clearing brawl that I told you guys about a long time ago I went to the game. I'll put that link up too. I was at the old Boston garden. It was the Chris Nyland game when he took the butt end of his stick and knocked Milbury's teeth out. And then he got kicked out when he walked by the Bruins bench. Ken Linzman pushed him. He pushed Ken Linzman. That's right. Because Linzman,

you know, said something and then Linzman chased him down the hall like he was actually going to fight him. And then because he knew all the Bruins are going to follow him next to you know, Canadians bench empties, there's a fight on the ice, there's fighting off the ice, there's cops involved and all this shit. And someone was going like, I love how like these are the great moments in hockey, right? And it's like, ah, Jesus Christ, you fucking non-watching hockey cunts. There's all the goals and all that shit. You know, those are also great. But the fighting is all, I don't understand why people have such a fucking issue with fighting in hockey. We got to get the fighting out of hockey. Do we have to get the fighting out of boxing?

Do we have to get the fighting out of the UFC? If fighting is so fucking bad, how can you have a fucking sport that that's what the sport is? Oh, it's barbaric. Okay. But if that's what you're trained to do, then it's the sweet science. You're a mixed martial artist. But if you do it on hockey skates, you're a fucking animal. I don't understand it. I don't. It's a part of the fucking game. Oh, Jesus Christ is with the phone. I'm at my parents' house. Let's see how long this goes. That's two. There's somebody downstairs, right? Come on, somebody pick it up. Fuck six for me, for the podcast, for my own sanity. There you go. Somebody got it. All right. So, anyway, I just don't understand what the fucking problem is.

I don't get how people, we got to get the fighting out of it. We got to get it out. It's like, dude, you don't watch hockey. You don't have to do anything. Just don't watch it. You know what I mean? Do I sit there going, we got to get the layups out of the WNBA. There needs to be more dunking. Give a fuck. Play the game. How do you play it? I don't, I don't feel a fuck. It drives me nuts. It fucking drives me nuts. Whatever. So, I'll have, I'll post that bench clear and brawl. I'll also post the Adam McQuaid fight. And then for all you fucking hockey purists that don't, that just want to see goal scoring and all that fucking shit, you know, I like Olympic hockey. Yeah, I like curling too. I'll, I'll post the, whatever the, whatever the

fucking, got new kid's name is there on St. Louis, Vladimir fucking Tarantinov, whatever the fuck his name is. Let me see. Where the hell is it? I fucking tweeted about him. I said the moves he was making me, were making reminded me of some of the moves I used to do in the late nineties during my rollerblading days. And then of course I got a bunch of shit for rollerblading. You know, last I remember rollerblading, that was a phenomenon that swept the nation. You know, am I wrong? Am I wrong thinking that? Tarant, Tarantinov, Vladimir Tarantinov. Tarasenko. All right. For all you people out there who want to get the fighting at all, just know that this is also still happening. And that, uh, goaltending in the league is, uh,

post Patrick Wa is, is becoming an entirely different art in itself. If you watch old hockey, uh, highlights and you watch those old standup fucking goalies, you understand why fucking actually used to, I still can't believe it was so difficult to score 50 goals. Watching standup goalies, they'd fucking just, you'd come in and skate, you'd shoot the puck, and they'd either kick out their, their right leg or their left leg pretty much straight out. Um, the standup goalies. And then once Patrick Wa came in and the butterfly that it was over, like a Jimi Hendrix moment, like guitar was never the same. Goaltending was never the fucking same after that guy. And, um, I don't know, whatever. I'm probably talking too much fucking

hockey here. There's like eight listeners going, no, if you want to hear more hockey talk, what you want to do is go listen to Joe Bartnick's puck off Rose Bowl, tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick. All right. Sponsored by Crown Royal. I don't even know if it is, uh, the puck off podcast, you might want to check that out. So, um, I think at this point I've talked myself out. I'm going to wait for the, uh, wasn't I supposed to look for that? I keep pushing the wrong goddamn buttons. You know, I got one of these little fucking iPads with the keyboard, you know, and I thought I was really smart. And I, you know, I hooked the fucking, I synced up the, the keyboard, the iPad. I didn't know he had to charge the fucking iPad, uh, the keyboard too.

Right. You know what fucking kills me? The one that fucking charges the fucking iPad itself, you need a different plug for the fucking keyboard. These, these fucking Steve Jobs cunts. It's like, how much fucking money do you nerds need to fucking make? I don't know. All right. Let's, let's do some advertising for this week. All right. All right. Here we go. DraftKings, everybody. Millionaires. I'm made all season long at draftkings.com. America's favorite one week fantasy football site. Oh, did I? One fantastic, one fantasy means no season long commitments play whenever you want. Got an injured player, no problem at draftkings.com. It's like a new season every week. So you're never stuck with this same place. All right.

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easy week. Everybody, only two reads. I think I've insulted all my other advertisers. They're not always so keen with some of my reads over here, so what can I do? What can I do? What am I looking for? I'm trying to figure out how far into this podcast I am. 48 minutes, Jesus Christ. All right. You know last week when I was stretching for time, I was so out of sorts being in that studio, I forgot to actually, I forgot to read the damn questions from last week. So anyways, let's see here. Here we go. Here we go. Oh, by the way, my Yoko Ono Chuck Berry video broke 100 million views. Let's see here. And people have been sending me the following. Yoko covering Katy Perry's firework. Man, I don't want to trash Yoko. I actually think her

band's good. I just fucking, when I was doing that, I really, I was really insulting John Lennon. You know, one of the great musicians of all time. So who the fuck am I to do that? You know, what are you going to do? Just fucking annoys me just seeing some guy just afraid. I mean, do you like seeing a woman being just dominated by some guy and she's too afraid to open a fucking mouth? It's horrific to see. It works both ways. You know what it is? You just wish that the fucking two psychos would get together, but it doesn't work that way. You know what I mean? Two selfish cunts can never be together because they're selfish cunts. What they have to do is they go out and they find big hearted forgiving people that look the other way when you grab a

microphone and go in the middle of a fucking song. That's not even exaggeration. That's actually almost a dead on impression. In fact, Daryl Hammond would probably be like, wow, Bill, that was really good. Did you listen to audio of Yoko Ono as you drove around in your car? And I'd be like, no, Daryl, you know what? I just naturally had that one. You like that? You like when I invent compliments from legendary comedians? All right, last alimony payment. Dance guy. Bill, a million people have probably already sent you this, or maybe you saw it yourself on Barstool. Yeah, I watched it. I'm always on Barstool. Boston Barstool, by the way. I'm always on that thing. They always have great videos. Some of the fucking people on there, they're so pro Boston

sports. I'm one of those guys that if we have a piece of shit on our fucking team and you say he's a piece of shit, I'm not going to defend him, which then gives me license to trash your piece of shit. And then you say, yeah, you know what? You're right. We got a piece of shit in our team too. And then we get to drink together. There's no fights. There's no lawsuits. There's no broken teeth. It's wonderful. It's one of the great things about being an old guy is you see the middle ground. But I haven't said that. I still love my Boston teams and I love that site. I love that site. So anyways, I mean, the video is the greatest thing I've ever seen. It's Thursday morning at my shitty office job. And I swear my feet started bouncing under my desk in pure joy

for this man. Love you and love me and go fuck yourself. Yeah, it's a great video. We'll post it. This guy is making his final alimony payment. And he says how much it is. It's something like just under 10 grand. This guy's been given some woman almost every fucking month. Now granted, this guy might have fucked up his own marriage. He might have fucked around on or whatever, but just Jesus Christ to have to give another human being 10 grand a month for fucking years. And you did not maim them. You didn't cause them an inability to go out and get a fucking job and earn a living is just it's fucking criminal. And this isn't child support people. This is alimony. You're giving somebody 10 grand a fucking month. It's just unbelievable.

So this guy is making his last payment and he's doing this fucking dance. It's one of the happiest guys I've ever seen in my fucking life. It's fucking hilarious. And I do have hope that in the future, when this latest push by women is over, you know, it's kind of like a game between the two of us, right? So right now it's hardcore women. Everything bad that ever fucking happened between men and women, it's going one way right now. It's just guys need to grow up, right? We got to stop talking to them on the street. You know, no more. She was asking for it. What else? What else are they telling us? You know, we got to listen more. We need to cook more. We need to do a lot of their fucking jobs around the house that they don't want to fucking do

because they have a job now. You know, it's like, well, so do I. So I got to do the job and all the housework. Is that what you're fucking saying? No, I'll pitch in. Now you won't. You'll start to do it. And then you'll come home. You say you're tired and then your bottom lip starts quivering. Then I feel like a bully. And next thing you know, I'm wearing a fucking apron. But I think eventually, unless my conspiracy theory is true, my conspiracy theory is basically this. Well, let's finish the first thing. Eventually, at some point, there is going to be a pushback by men about these divorce settlements to try to get them a little more not as fucking crazy. Okay. Because I mean, I just, I don't, just the amount

of fucking money and that she's used to a certain lifestyle. I mean, whoever came up with that was a fucking genius. I mean, how they got the, I'm used to a certain lifestyle. Yeah, the lifestyle you had when you were together, this relationship failed. All right. So yeah, you don't have that lifestyle anymore and neither does he. Why does one person or whoever's making more money to be fair to women in this stuff? Because I know who the fuck was, because me is always bringing up the women who are getting fucked in this thing. Because you know me, I'm so fucking one-sided and ignorant. Who got fucked over? I can't remember who. Was she saying Halle Berry? One of those people just has like some ridiculous payment they had that

they had. And once again, they're just, they were in the state of California. They were making way more fucking money. And now the person that they used to be with gets to act like, you know, they, you know, I don't know what they're fucking crippled. They can't go out and get a fucking job too. These people, do you realize that these people paralyzed from the fucking neck down who have written fucking scripts for movies that got made? You know what I mean? You're sitting there with all your fucking faculties and you want 10 grand a month, you lazy sack of shit. It's fucking unbelievable. Oh man, you know what? There's an article. Do I have it? You know, I'm going to get up. I got to get this thing right now. Hang on a second. Oh, I got an article. I got

to show you. Yeah, I read it on the plane. It's a, it's in our Maxim magazine, which who's kidding who? Maxim magazine is basically a jerk off magazine for somebody either who's still living at home with their parents and doesn't want to get caught looking at porn or they plan on running for political office and that they know there's no way to get it traced back. This is probably actually the purest pornography that you could actually look at. I'm being an asshole. It's not that bad, but it's one of those things where Maxim magazine, a lot of times there's articles in there that I want to read about, but the woman on the cover, it always makes me feel like a piece of shit buying it. Like, look at her tense. You know, but this one actually on the cover,

it said Hot Wheels. Of course it said it's a Hot Wheels. It's got some, you know, gorgeous fucking woman with their fucking tanned up titties hanging out. And it's 2014's fastest muscle cars, sexiest super cars, and the ultimate Jaguar, right? So I'm like, all right, I'm getting on a plane. I love fucking cars. I want to read about this shit. I'm a car guy. I got a Prius, right? Fucking Catholic guilt. Go fucking buy yourself something. You freckled cunt. So whatever. So they got the usual layout here, right? And they got this beautiful fucking car. This is how old I am. So they had this fucking 20-something model laying on her back on the fucking hood. And I'm actually annoyed by her. Like, would you get off the fucking car so I

could see it? How fucking old am I at this point? I got it. When you fuck, that's the position you'd be in. If I was banging you, you're not going to fuck me. Get out of the way of the car. But they were actually just doing the background on the model. So they actually, I didn't understand the layout of the magazine. And you know, she is gorgeous. She deserves to be laying on that car. But I imagine, well, you know, a lot of women would be offended by it. Because you know, what is it really, what they're really saying in this magazine is you get this car, you get this woman. You know, none of these photos does in any way shape or form, does it show that this woman could possibly own this car? Despite the fact that she's a model

in a major magazine, you know she has a nice car. But the way they photograph her is this is the position I had to lay in just to get a fucking ride in this goddamn thing. Although one of the photos she does, she is carrying a helmet. But that's probably just for safety. Anyways, so I'm reading through all this shit. And I come to this, this article, and it's, you know, me totally misjudging this magazine where I'm looking at it like, like I live in fucking Utah. What the fuck is it? God, damn it, Bill, you had it. You had the fucking article and you went off on a damn tangent. What the fuck is it? It was about this Formula 1 car racer who lost both his legs in a horrific crash. I swear to God, how the fuck isn't one

of the main articles? That's not one of the main articles you hype. Well, I guess when you go those kind of tits and the, there he is. There he is. You want to read an inspirational article. This guy, I hope I say his name right. Alex Zanardi? I hope I said it right. Right. You know, I'm not, you know, I'm not the Illuminati. Okay. So I don't know much about Formula 1 fucking racing. And I also live in the United States. So, you know, I watched Star Car. I'm actually watching Star Car now for the fucking fights. There's barely any fights anymore in the NHL. You know, all you got to do is just, you know, if you're really into fighting and you miss it in the NHL, just watch the last three laps of a NASCAR. NASCAR, right. It's race. It's

fucking great because they don't have, because it's fighting is still so new to their sport. Like, you know, hockey, it's been going on since the beginning and new. I mean, over the last 10 years, it's really gotten out of hand. There's still no rules like, you know, first guy over the walls, an automatic 10 game, I guess it would be 10 race suspension. They don't have any of that shit. So entire pit crews can fight other pit crews. They have like a barroom brawl right out on there. It's phenomenal. So anyways, this guy, Alex Zanardi, I hope I'm saying it right. No disrespect to this guy. He obviously is more of a fucking man than I'll ever be. 2001, he had a horrific car crash that nearly cost the champion race car driver his

life. He spun out on pit row and somebody came by going full speed and just clipped off the front of his car and took off both of his legs from the bottom, just below his knees. And this guy has since become, he races bicycles and like, he got back behind the wheel of a car, raced a little bit, but now he got into bike racing and he competes in marathons, the disabled part of it. And he's like the best in the world at it. And he has achieved so much that he actually said that if he could go back in life and go back to that moment of when he lost his legs, he'd actually have to sit down and decide whether or not he'd want to avoid it again because he learned so much about life. And I know that sounds like some corny horseshit, like obviously you want your legs,

but after reading this article, you totally understand as much as you could because you haven't gone through the experience, what this guy means. And he also has this great thing about when pushing yourself, like your dreams, how to make your dreams come true is to set goals and all that. And he had this thing he used to call the five second rule. And the five second rule is when you thought you were at exhaustion, and you couldn't go anymore, you just hung in there for another five seconds. And the thought process was who knows, maybe in that five seconds, the other guy would quit. And then he laughed after saying that I thought that was so fucking cool. So anyways, check that out. It's the Maxim magazine. It says Hot Wheels, and there's a Jaguar,

a white car on the cover with this absolutely stunning woman who, you know, in a perfect world owns the car and just felt like sunning herself on the hood. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. A feminine straight man. All right. Good morning. How are you doing? How are you? All right. He's got my line stone. He said me and my husband love the podcast. Thanks for making my Monday morning a little brighter. Just wanted to share with you that in the last week, my husband has made pumpkin cookies, pumpkin pancakes, and pumpkin pie from scratch. Oh, well, fellow twinkle toes there. Hey, I tip my apron to you. She says he is also a stay at home dad who drives the AVEO. I don't know. I'm not familiar with that. Aveo? Aveo? I don't know. Well, I drive the Tacoma.

On top of that, he doesn't get offended when I call him a pussy. When I come home from work and I see him baking. I believe that is a slight one up. He also has a thick beard and not only watches hockey, but plays pickup games every Friday. Most a feminine straight man. I know. Go ducks and go fuck yourself. Well, he didn't really ask me. He really didn't ask me any questions. You know what it is? He's got a beard and he plays hockey. You know what? He's already more of a fucking man than most of us. So he's got to balance it out. He's got to bring that testosterone down. He comes home. He begs a cup of cookies. He makes some pumpkin pancakes and you come down. You call him a fucking pussy. It makes you feel like you're fucking doing something and the whole relationship

works. I don't think that's an effeminate straight man. I think that's a fucking straight man who's comfortable with who he is. What do you want? You want me to go top shelf or you want me to put some fucking cookies on the table? I can do whatever the fuck you want. Go fuck yourself. I have a beard and I know how to do shit. All right. Turning into a douche after being dumped. Oh, you never want to do that. When you do that, then they know that they want. What you got to do is you got to take the feeling. You got to push it down and you got to bury it. All right. And then you let it out slowly after six drinks onto unsuspecting strangers. That's how you do. No, that's not what you do. What you do is reality. What most men, what you should do

after being dumped is what you should do. What Chris Bosch did after they lost the championship that year. I think it was to the Mavericks. He just dropped to the floor and he cried it out of himself and everybody made fun of that guy. Do you realize how fucking much more healthier men would be if we could actually do that? It would be absolutely horrific for women to see and as much as they say they want to see it, they don't want to see it. You know what I mean? That's like the male equivalent of watching your wife change your fucking tire. You don't want to see that. Just see her out there jacking up the car, knowing what the fuck she's doing or maybe making a strong throw from third base. That's just some things that men and women, you think you want

to see it. You don't want to see it. What if she grunt a little bit when she throw, just fucking through a laser, right? Ball takes a funny hop and she's still able to fucking, you don't want to see it. Not saying it's wrong, but there's just certain things. It's just, you know, drives them up and sends us fucking, you know, pitching to the right or the left there. Don't fucking stand. It's down for the count if you know what I mean. All right, dear Billy boy. I used to say yawing to the left. I'm going to go aviation here. I am a 28 year old dude. The beginning of the year was life kicking me in the nuts. My girlfriend been together for 10 years left me for some rich older fuck. Oh man. Well, if you want to feel better about yourself, just listen to the eagles

lying eyes, you know, because that's what the fuck she just walked into unless he's only a few years older. But if he's a lot older, I mean, what the fuck? Come on, man. What kind of young woman wants some guy's dick coming at him with their fucking salt and pepper pubes? I mean, that's no woman lays in bed dreaming about that. I can tell you that right now. All right, needles, needles, needless to say, you wrote needles, needless to say, but I will. It got me absolutely heartbroken, depressed as fuck, feeling that I lost all my goals in life, had to leave our apartment, which I renovated for us to finally be our no place like home place, had to move for a while back in with my parents. That's always a hard time started hating my job.

Yeah, dude, that's awesome. Dude, what'd you got? What you got going on here is you have a new beginning. All right, you got to understand the kind of person that would leave you to go get with some rich older guy. I mean, I don't know anything about your relationship. I mean, it seems like you had a job, you renovated the apartment, you do seem like a motivated guy. Be one thing if you're sitting around in your ass. Look, if you sit around in your ass, you're not doing anything, you just, you cannot expect a woman to stay with you. You're fucking useless. As a man, if you're not providing, what are you doing? You're just a big kid. They don't need that. They're 180 pounds of fucking XX weight, just dragging them down to the ground. They got one

life. They're going to go fucking live it. So, but you have a job, you renovated the place, you sound like a good guy. Granted, you're right in the email. Here we go. If it wasn't for the best friends in the fucking world, I don't know what I do. So it's been like eight months, got my shit together, lost weight, started learning a new language. Here you go. Started studying, started studying, giving lectures and clubs and banging a hot, smart 22 year old girl. And that banging is the shit he's saying here. Look at this guy, turned his life around. You know what? I can tell you all your friends wish that they got dumped at this point, seeing you all of a sudden walking around like you're the new Johnny Bravo there. But the shitty thoughts

about the X still stir in my head. Well, it's natural, man. You were together for 10 years. Eight months later, you know, one 22 year old in a new fucking language, you're still, you're normal. That's normal. He goes, I feel bad because all that crap lands on this new girl. Oh, dude, that's, that's the first wrong thing you've done. 10 years of sharing experience is kind of hard to forget. And it always pops up. I'm smart and sensitive enough to know what I'm doing is wrong. Well, there you go. Look at this. You're an evolved guy. He says, although something inside says, dude, the fuck is wrong with you. You should never say that to her and never compare her to the X. Yeah, don't do that. Never demand something she can't deliver, but somehow I still

do it to the new girl and it hurts her. How do I get to stop being a douche to this chick? Well, step one is you're admitting it. And how about this? There's a huge difference between 22 and 28 and a level of maturity. 32 to 38 is not that much different, but 22 to 28, you basically go from being a kid to being an adult. Even though legally you're considered an adult, that's a that's a huge difference. You know, I mean, if you're 28 years old, you go out on a date with somebody and you go, what's your major? That should be the beginning of when it starts feeling creepy. You know, it's, I don't know. I always did. I was just kind of like, oh my God, this person's still in fucking college. You have a teacher and a semester.

You know, the fuck? I mean, just you can't even relate to it. So how do you stop being a douche to this chick? I would actually sit down with her first off and I would apologize for doing it. That's the first thing you need to do and get it out in the open and just say that, you know, I'm going to really work hard to not do it. And please call me out when I'm doing it and I'm going to do my best to immediately stop it. Just know that I'm coming down from a 10 year dump here and I got it. It's going to take me middle a little bit. So if you can be patient with me, but the last thing I want to do is hurt you and this is not fair to you. That's the first thing I would do. Yeah, I would get a flowers and I would totally

fucking apologize and be on my fucking best behavior, you know, for a while, man, because that's, that's a, it's a, it's really a horrible thing to do, to take out your life on somebody else, take out your childhood and other people, which I did for fucking like 15 years, you know, it's bad. Remember that was that fucking show where that guy, my name is Earl, you know, I could do that just with my fucking relationships with women as was fucking bad. Anyways, all right, so I'm not saying I'm above you or anything like that. All right, see that put myself running your level. I've done the same fucking thing. So if I could go back in time, that's what I would have done. If there was a podcast that I could have written to, but I did, I was in a vacuum. I was

living in a podcastless world, walking around from my dick telling me what to do, mix with my childhood was a bad recipe. All right, I've worked at one of the better known law firms in Los Angeles for the past decade to get right into it. I've been having sex with money, my female Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. All right. All right. He's got his dick out at work, everybody. Gee, what could go wrong? He's been banging her for about a year now. Great. So she's probably developed feelings for you as women do, unless you've spaced out the fucks from Christmas party to Christmas party. What is it? Is it the Santa hat? Cause I want to know. You're even going to have that fight at some point. We both stall at our desk until the rest of the office

has gone home for the day. And then we fuck like savages on the desk or in the break room. I can guarantee you, everybody at work knows you're fucking, guarantee you. They can see it in your eyes. We're all animals. We can sense things the same way I'm standing on stage and the crowd can sense. If I mean something or I don't, if I'm joking or if I'm not, if I'm on good mood or they can just sense it as I'm walking to the microphone without even, even knowing that they have that skill. It's a survival thing left over from caveman days. The same way a crowd can do that to me, everybody at work knows you're fucking anyways. He says it's been great and I have no complaints. So here's the thing. One day about a month ago, our boss came back into the office and caught us

mid act. All right, if he takes his dick out, all right, and wants to join, now that's, that's a fucking situation because your job's on the line. Oh, Jesus. See, this is why you never take your dick out at work. You'll fuck her from behind while I get her in the mouth. Don't look at me while I come. That was gross. Sorry. She told us to go home and that she'd be speaking with us individually the following day. Oh, she told you guys to go home. That's a power move. This is where it takes a twist. When I went in to talk with my boss, I was certain I'd be fired. However, she, oh no. No. She closed the blinds, locked the door, hiked up her skirt to reveal she wasn't wearing underwear and told me to perform oral sex on her. What? Dude, is this a red shoe diary?

I'm calling bullshit. I don't know, but how do you stop? This is like a good summer, this is a good summer read, everybody. You know, let's, let's all mentally go to the beach right now, like a fucking soccer mom here. I assumed I was being blackmailed, but didn't care because I need my job and I like pussy. Dude, are you like a fucking caveman? What is wrong with you? So it was a win-win. Let me read back. Is the boss in there? I'm confused as to whether the boss is in there or not. When I went in to talk with my boss, I would start to be fired. However, she closed the blinds, locked the door. All right, I guess I have to keep reading here. The thing is, she didn't stop. She calls me in her office at least twice a week

to go down on her for an hour. She says she has security footage of my coworker and I having sex. Oh, wait a minute. I missed out. Your boss is a woman. Oh, see the sexist me assumed you had a male boss. There you go. There you go. I got work to do on myself as another thing. Wait a minute. You got to go down on your boss. She says she has security footage of my coworker and I having sex in the office. Dude, this is a crime and that she'll fire us both unless I continue to service her. So she's got to be old and hard up. Dude, this is a fucking nightmare. What's worse? Dude, this can't be true. You made this up. Fuck you. Trying to get me during the holiday season. I can't. Oh my God, I can't stop reading this. What's worse is that my coworker doesn't know

why she hasn't been fired yet and I'm afraid to tell her about the deal I have with our boss. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dude, this is like a bad movie. If this is actually real, you fucking tell her and then you film her in the fucking act with you, your boss, right? And then you say, listen, unless you give us both a fucking raise, we'll fucking, we'll rat you out. Actually, no. What do you want to do is go to the cops because then, you know, because then you're both doing it to each other and then you could somehow the state could maybe send you all to jail. Anyway, she goes, I realize this isn't the worst problem to have. Then you know what, dude, I don't have a fucking problem. If you don't give a fuck, why should I?

My boss isn't exactly unattractive, but not someone I'd approach at a bar or anything. Think Jody Foster in Silence of the Lambs. So what do I do? Should I call her bluff and refuse to continue or should I suck it up? No pun intended and keep on going. Also, I should tell, or should I tell my coworker and risk ruining the relationship or worse risk getting the word out that I'm basically a whore. Any help is appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself or come fuck my boss with me. Yeah, this guy's a jerk off. You don't give a fuck. All right, look it. Whenever you get tired of being a man whore, this is what you need to do. You need to go Mickey Rourke here, Pope of Greenwich Village. You know, you got to get a tape. You got to come in there wired.

This is a great thing. Since you're not fucking her, you can come in there wearing a goddamn wire and all you got to do is just have her say some incriminating shit. All right, and then you get to walk in there, you know, and then you just grab her by her hand because I got a fucking tape. Tape, I took off a dead cop, right? You give her that fucking speech. You go out, you get your hair cut as you're smoking a cigarette while some woman fucking manicures your nails and you come walking in there Mickey Rourke, Pope of Greenwich Village. And you tell the bitch, I'm going to fucking put you in jail. You give me a raise. Although I shouldn't, you shouldn't do that because now you've engaged in criminal activity. What you need to do is you got to have some

fucking self-esteem. You know what I would do, honestly, because if I personally, I wouldn't want any of this to come out. What I would do is I would get another fucking job. And then I would just, I would walk away. I would, I think I would just walk away. Isn't that funny? This is the type of fucking thing that if a man was doing it to a woman, it'd be like, Oh my God, this needs to stop. But I guarantee you most of the women that listened to this thought this, this was a funny fucking story. I guess it is just because they can't physically fucking dump like, I guess it's the way where the fact, I don't know, I guess it's that thing, that whole fucking thing that you could literally force yourself on. But she's

literally forcing you. What a fucking animal. I still don't believe that that's true. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. Underrated. There are song lyrics in the act. What? There are, these are song lyrics and the act is what is underrated. Just before doggy styling a woman to go hut one, hut two. What? I hate when guys do shit like that. Like I never found any of those fucking jokes funny. You know, like this is the dirty Sanchez when you're fucking sticky, up top. You know, that stupid frat boy fucking humor. I always, all of that shit always comes from a place of insecurity that like, look,

it's so easy for me to get laid that I can disrespect women in this fucking way. You know what I mean? Those are those jackhammering guys. They don't know what the fuck they're doing in bed. They just get on top of those fucking guys. Those poor fucking women got to put up with that shit. Just someone who just was not blessed with any sort of fucking empathy, wasn't blessed with any sort of a fucking and no gift of touch or anything like that. Those are those are those dirty Sanchez fucking guy. I always hated those fucking jokes. Yeah, the donkey puncher punch him in the back. Is he really? Is that what you do? Does that make you a man? You're fucking jerk off. All right. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the anything better podcast, NFL edition sponsored by BedMGM with your host, Paul Verzi, Bill Byrne, our wonderful producer, Andrew Themos. And today we will preview going into week number 10, which I guess is technically week nine because of the buy. But we are going to do week 10 games. Last week, yours truly finally had a decent week. I went three, oh, and one bill went one, two and one, because he's Mr. Push, the kid just the kid just right on the spot. Bill, you're like Vegas, Bill. You're like Vegas. I'm not like Vegas Vegas keeps picking the perfect spread. Yeah, Paul, when we do anything better, I got a nice fucking rant for that goddamn prevent defense,

which is fucked me out of like three wins this year. Well, speaking of wins this year, you have a lead here and you have week you have week 10 first pick, Bill. So where are you going? All right, you know what? I'm riding that Seattle Seahawk defense right in a Tampa Bay. The king in the titty bars blown up against Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Buccaneers are just, you know, I watched them last week, Paul. I watched them. The offense scored three points in the first half and they, are you looking down? No, no, I'm listening. They scored three points in the first half and they scored three points in the second half. But thankfully the Rams went into the prevent before the half and before the end

of the game and gave them fucking 10 points. They scored six points when the Rams will play a defense. Seattle's got the best defense in the fucking league. They're getting three points. It's Pete Carroll. He's a better coach than whatever fucking talking head they got on Tampa Bay right now that nobody's protecting Brady. They're running game. All their fucking wide receivers are injured. I don't know why it's only three, but I'm, you know what? I'm jumping on that hook, Paul, and Vegas is pulling me in. All right. All right. I'm pissed, Paul. I'm pissed about the fucking prevent defense. I don't like being under 500 against the fucking bookie. Fucking eggheaded cunts with the goddamn analytics. I'm going to take, I'm going to take the Miami

Dolphins at home against Bressette and the Browns. I just think Miami's just in a fucking stride. They got Tyreek Hill. They got Waddle. I think Tua is playing great. And my buddy, Jim Florentine's going to be at the, he's going to be at the game with his kid. So I got to, no, I'm going to, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to take Miami Dolphins minus three and a half. I don't like to have a point. I'm not going to lie, but I think they should win that game. I think they're better. So there you go. Miami Dolphins minus three and a half at home. All right. I'm going to take the Titans minus three in Denver. I just think they're, I've been saying this all year. They just a really well coached team. And I think they got a good

defense and Denver is still not on the same page with Reggie Watts under center. I love his name. I always forget his name. Who? The quarterback for the, for the Broncos. Oh, Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson. Amazing quarterback. It's amazing. Like watching him go from the fucking Seattle Seahawks to the Denver Broncos was like watching Daniel Ricardo go from driving for Red Bull to that fucking orange car he's driving now. It's just like, you know, you can have the best car in the fucking driver in the world, Paul. You know, you stick them in a Ford Escort. Where's he going? He's going to get around the fucking track. Anybody can get in Mercedes and drive it. Well,

um, dude, there's a couple of intriguing ones here, but you know something, dude, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to go head to head with you. I'm going to take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to be Geno Smith and the fucking Seahawks. I think, I think that Tampa is going to ride that win, even though it was the Rams backing up off of them. I think that Brady, I saw Brady's little video after the game. I like that it's only three points. And I think his wide receivers dropped enough fucking passes where they're not going to do that again. So I'll go ahead to head with you on that one. I'll take the, I'll take the bucks.

All right. Now I'm going to take the fucking commanders. I don't even know who they're playing, but they get an 11 points. Oh, look at you. The Eagles that, you know, it's a division rivalry game. I'm finally going to pull the trigger. Division rival games are always close until I bet them. I'll take the commanders. They're a solid team. They're getting 11 points. Where the fuck the Eagles, all you need to do is win. They don't give a shit, Paul. And I watched this, they're going to be up by like 16 points at the end of the game. And then they're going to go to a fucking prevent and they're going to give the fucking commanders a goddamn touchdown because the Eagles should beat them by 11 and they will. Oh yes, they will.

But then they're going to go into the fucking prevent and then the fucking commanders are going to cover. That's what's happening. And I'm rooting for the Eagles to go undefeated. I'm sick of all those fucking Dolphin guys drinking champagne every year, rooting against the kids. The Eagles aren't going to go undefeated, but I mean, and I'm not saying that because I'm a division. Paul, you're really going out on a limb there. No, you have to, you have to duplicate what the Dolphins did just to get out of the fucking regular season. You got to go 20 and all now or else. Yeah, like why are they still sipping champagne when the Patriots went 18 and all? Yeah, what are they going to ship? We're not as good as them because we had to play the

fucking 19 games. Yeah, what are they going to sip champagne when they add 25 games to a season? Hey, we went 17 and all we were still undefeated. The fuck out of here. That fucking bullshit. You know, something I don't know if I'm going to touch my New York giants minus five. I know they're coming off a buy and they're coming off a loss, but I don't know, dude. The bills are coming off a loss too against it. Dude, this is a tough week, man. I'm going to, I know this sounds nuts. Paul, you hit your stride. I'm going to take, I can't believe I'm doing this, but they're just bad and they're coming off. The cults are bad. I'm going to take the Las Vegas Raiders at home minus six against a new coach, which they just named interim coach

Jeff Saturday. They, I mean, the cults are just bad. The cults are bad. I'm going to take the Raiders minus six at home. They got to win that game by six or seven points. I mean, Raiders are a pathetic franchise and I'm taking the Indianapolis Colts. Whoa. Oh yeah. The Colts are one of those fucking teams. Paul's another one. This is another one, Paul. It's going to be a close fucking game and whoever's winning is going into the fucking pre-bent. They're going to give him some points. They're going to give him some points, Paul. And you're going to take that nice fucking Yankee fitted and you're going to throw it against your fucking dream board or whatever the fuck chicks have on the wall. Did you see the gym

or say press conference bill? No, what is he blaming now? No, it was fantastic. He used some words incorrectly made up a word. He was talking about the team and he said, he made up an investigation too. Basically for the last, basically for the last 20 or 30 years, I don't remember when he started as a 2000 or whatever he said. He said, we've been in the, in the upper quartile of winning his franchise. That's a quartile. A quartile. The upper quartile. He said it. That's the top four tiles in a steam room. A quartile. How many picks do we have left? One each? Oh, that was it. You've got one because Bill just came in with the Colts. Okay. So I have, I have Miami, the Tampa Bay Bucks and the Raiders. And for my fourth, this is going to be a switch week

because we're going head to head on two. Yeah. And I think for my fourth and final pick, I'm going to take, dude, that Rams Cardinals game is such a cunty line. I hate that. I hate that whole fucking division. If you can figure out what, other than the Seahawks, I don't know what the fuck, the 49 is the Rams or the other Cardinals are going to do week to week. I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars getting nine and a half in Kansas City. I like that one too, Paul. They're going to go into the Prevent. They're going to kick the shit out of them and then they're going to take the foot off the gas. They're going to give them a couple of gifts and then that's going to be it. That's my new thing, Paul. This just keeps happening to me. When the numbers that big take

the points, these fucking assholes, Paul, they'll go forward on fourth and goal in first, in the first quarter. They have the balls to do that because they can, their scapegoat is analytics. But then before halftime at the end of the game, they fucking like, don't let them get behind you. Oh, great. So give up 80 yards and four fucking plays and give Tom Brady four fucking shots at the end zone and he gets a soft fucking pass in a fair and call and you lose the game. And now one fucking reporter goes, the fuck, why don't you just keep playing defense? You know, we, we had a lot of misdropping, two to these. Makes me sick, Paul. I know. I know. You're hot about the Prevent.

I'll save it for the anything better. Let's do it on anything better. All right. So, no, but you know what time it is, Bill. Oh, it's the Monday night special with some money for you. Can we fuck it? Monday night, well, you already picked, you already picked the commanders. So I'll take those points with you. Here's the thing I don't like about our Monday night special this year. And I don't know how bad MGM is going to take me saying this, but we're the under over is killing me here. It's killing me here. The under over. Okay. Under over. I think the commanders might even win this fucking game, Paul, because if the egos are

going to lose this year, it's going to be just some douchebag in their own fucking division. And always, this always happens. They play them twice a year. They know each other. No secrets between these two. No love lost. Are we going over 44 or under, Bill? I'm going to say over in Philadelphia. You're going to say over. I like over under on people getting arrested is six. All right. I like over. Let's take, we're going to take the points, guys. We're starting the game 11, nothing, Bill. We're starting the game 11, nothing. Come on, commanders. Okay, we're going to do that. We're going to take over 44. And what are we going to do? Taylor Heineke to throw one. Why not? Why not? He's a backup. He's on the road. He's

playing fucking great. They've won four out of five with them. He's playing with house money. He's playing with house money. He's like a kid on Christmas. What are the sports please? The whole world is expecting him to lose and shit to bed in Philadelphia Monday. And I don't think he's gonna bill. Hey, he's just out there having fun like a kid playing, pick up football out in the street. I mean, who is he? He's the first. I mean, who is he? Who's he? What is he? He's playing with house money. Oh, dude, we got to talk about something on anything better. All right, everybody better. Let's do it. All right, everybody. That's been our picks. Make sure you download the app. It's very simple. It's very simple. You put in as much

as $10. They'll match it up to $1,000 in free bets, guys. Use bonus code burr. That's B U R R. And have some fun. Have some fun. Enough of nothing, Paul. We've picked 30 winners. No, we're listening. We're a little up and down to five. I mean, this is against the fucking spread. You know, this is a little fucking podcast, Paul. ESPN is terrified to talk about. All right. We're the 30 and 36 gamblers that no sports network wants to play. And we're picking eight games a week, by the way. We're picking eight games a week and we're right there. We're kind of right there. Right there, Paul. You want to know what's funny? I was on it real quick. This is part of this podcast because it's relevant. I was on Good Morning

Football and not only did I call Russell Wilson, the new Ellen, because he doesn't give his teammates his phone number and everybody doesn't like him, but then I said, they go, Paul, you want to do this pickle pick with us? We go out on the street. We go out on the street. We're going to give you a microphone and you pick one game, right? And I go, yeah, I go, I'm going to take the Patriots over the Colts. And I looked in the camera. And before I looked in the camera, I looked at Jason McCordy, who actually played cornerback for you guys. I go, hey, Jason, dude, is this with the spread? And dude, they all burst it out laughing. They go, no, dude, we can't do that on TV. I go, is this with the, I go, I'm taking the patch, but is it with the spread? And they were

just like, they're like, no, Paul, we don't, this is like a morning show. And then I said Patriots. All right, everybody. So there you go. There's your week. There's your Monday night special. Taylor Heineke to throw one over 44. And the Washington commanders starting the game with 11. There it is. Good luck to you. Download the bet. MGM app. Use bonus code Burr. You get up to a thousand dollars. And all you got to do is put in as little as 10 and they will match your money. Take care. And remember, guys, Tibet, you got to be 21 years of age or older to wager in Arizona, Colorado, DC, Iowa, Indiana, Kansas, Michigan, Mississippi, New Jersey, New York, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, or Wyoming only new customer offer paid in free beds.

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