Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-19

Episode Date: November 15, 2019

Bill rambles about progressive tweets, movies on the plane, and the quality of life in New York City.

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How's your week going? Huh? Did you have you having a good one? Is your boss not touching you in a way that doesn't make you feel unsafe, but it's still implied that there's an unsafeness within the safety of the safeness? Oh my God, I gotta tell you something. I gotta get off the fucking... I gotta stop reading shit on social media. Jesus fucking Christ. You know what it is? You just read your own fucking tweets. What you don't want to do is you don't want to click on the magnifying glass and then just read the fucking dumb shit that pee off. And it's why, why does it set me off?

You know, I'm fucking looking through and some fucking female comic just says, Hey, headliners, gave us all this stern talking to whether you're innocent or not. Don't fucking... Why don't you go talk about your twat for another fucking hour on stage? You fucking hack. Jesus fucking Christ. My God. And then I stuck my other finger in it and I'm like, oh my God. For an hour. A fucking hour.

Hey, she can talk about whatever finger she wants to play your pussy. All right. Yeah, go ahead. Don't say she's a dirty comic. Her body, her jokes. Oh my God. And then movies come out. Why is Abraham Lincoln still played by a white male? Why is Hollywood so afraid to tell Abraham Lincoln's story from a female perspective?

New studies have shown he's actually trans. I mean, there's like literally that level of insane chatter. I don't know. You know what, I think I kind of like to stick into Instagram where it's just videos or you go to YouTube because as bad as the Twitter experience can be, right? I like, and that that's the most fucking first world thing to say ever. You know, it was a bad experience for me. I know you're digging for blood diamonds, but my experience on Twitter yesterday,

I think your experience pales in comparison. I don't care how many arms you have left. I was watching Jeff Beck. He's just the fucking best guitarist. Is he the best guitarist ever? Then I was just, I was just seeing all the greats, right? From then and now I just went down this rabbit hole of just fucking watching these guys. And I think it's Jeff Beck.

Jeff Beck. And then today maybe Derek Trucks. I'm sure there's a zillion others, which is why I'm saying this, because then I want you to write them to me because I want to listen to them. But Jesus Christ. Fucking Jeff Beck. I got a bunch of his albums and they're all good. I didn't know he did some sort of techno stuff in the 90s.

I got to check that out and see what that's all about. Fucking incredible player. But I had a great week other than fucking going on Twitter and listening to white women complaining. You know what's really funny is when a white woman dies her hair blonde, you know? It's like you were a white woman in the United States of America. You still weren't getting enough. You got to add a couple extra free drinks every week, you know?

Now you're going to be happy. It's so hard. Where are all the women in the movie? Where are the people of color? Same place they are in the women's march on fucking Washington. They're extras. They're all a bunch of white broads up on fucking stage. Fucking banging clams and high-five in each other about how fucking, you know, progressive they are.

All right, I'm done. Okay, plowing ahead. What I want to talk about. How about that fucking Seattle Seahawk San Francisco 49er game Monday night. Game of the year. Game of the fucking year. I was out with my buddy Verzi. It was his birthday and he goes to 49ers.

He's going to kill him tonight. And I said, I said, no, they're not. I said, sneaky Pete, the Seattle Seahawks. He's going to shut them down. He's going to shut those fuckers down and neither thing happened, but Seattle did win. Seattle did win. But then I heard that 49ers had a couple of their top wide receivers that were out, but just to know that they're going to meet again.

And now the San Francisco 49ers need to win the rest of the way out. Okay. And if they do that, then they get home field and they get a second crack. It'll sneaky Pete Carol was just a fucking great coach. I was called sneaky Pete because the way he ran out the door at fucking USC. But is it really his fault? You know what? You can't really blame Pete Carroll for USC because if he didn't do it,

somebody else would have done it because that is the USC football program. They're always getting suspended. They're always in the middle of some, some sort of something is going on down there. They can't help it. It's just, it's just what they're doing. By the way, speaking of that bullshit. Did you see, oh, and let's keep talking about Seattle Seahawks in the San Francisco 49ers. That level of football I have not seen in the AFC this year.

If somebody's seen it, I want you to tell me and I'm going to look up the game and watch it because that was just phenomenal defense on both sides. And the way the quarterbacks responded, the receivers, everybody, the way everybody fucking played in that game and very little bit of celebrating. The biggest celebration I saw was from a field goal kicker. I forget which side, but he kicked, he kicked the ball through the uprights and he went field goal kicker celebrate now. Not, not just, you know, the usual, you know, the fist bump or whatever.

They do the 300 yo. Now I can see if you Adam Vinitieri and you just kicked it through the uprights to win yet another Super Bowl. Yeah, I get that. You know, game in November and the fucking third quarter. Whatever. Bill, you're an old man. They're young.

They celebrate everything. And they shut too with global warming coming. Enjoy every second, everybody. Anyway, oh, I was talking about a USC being on the, you know, whatever some fucking probation after, you know, Pete ran out the back fucking door. When I was in New York, there was some stupid shit about the fucking about the Houston Astros stealing signs, you know, and there's always going to be a black mark. That's what the guy, they sent the New York papers.

Why? Because they beat your team. Is there going to always going to be a black mark against all those Yankee teams where you had a roided up fucking half your goddamn lineup? You know, no, because that's our team. But if the Red Sox get busted for Roy's, there will always be a black, you know, and then there's fucking idiots going like, they need to get technology out of the game so they can stop doing this.

It's like, how are you a sports writer? And you don't know your fucking history. Didn't that game, the shot heard around the world, weren't the giants all those years later admitted that they had a guy with binoculars out in center field stealing signs? Wait a minute. Let me let me fucking look that up. Let me actually do a little bit of research here. Shot heard around the world.

Baseball, stealing signs. In the suing years, rumors began to circulate that during the second half of the 1951 season, the giants engaged in systematic stealing of signs. The final, the finger signals transmitted from a catcher to the pitcher that determined the pitcher's throne. Every hitter knew what was coming, said pitcher Al Gettle. And your first question should be, who the fuck is Al Gettle? Well, let's look him up.

Did he play on the other team? Is this some Indianapolis Colts horse shit? Was a major league baseball player in 1945, 1955, several teams. Well, what teams did he play for? Jesus, he's got a quick one. He played for the New York Giants 1951. Then he played for St. Louis in 55. Well, what the fuck with this guy now?

Wait, was that the shot heard around the world? The shot heard around the world. It was in 1951. All right, when your own player's saying it, there you go. I mean, if you're going to take the Astros down, they all fucking do it. Everybody's doing a little something. You know what I mean? And I like all the unathletic people, you know, sit there and say that they're cheating.

You know, they literally write an article. Sports writer ran an article about cheating. And just over his shoulder is a little fucking vial of fucking Viagra. You know, like his dick shouldn't be banned from the league. No, he's not cheating, is he? He has a condition. I have EDM. What the fuck is it called?

Rectile dysfunction. ED. Is it just ED? ED. Does your dick have ED? Anyway, I got to keep promoting this stuff. I'll be at the Mahalia Jackson Theater performing arts center in New Orleans, January 9th and 10th. The pre-sale ends this today, Thursday.

The code is BRRR. The public on sale is tomorrow, Friday, November 15th, 10 a.m. Central Standard Time. The link will be shared on all my socials or go to Ticket Master and search BRRR. All right, so anyway, I'm back out here in LA, you know, out here to get some sunshine and some Botox. That's how we do it out here. That's why we all look so good, you know. I don't know if you guys know this, but I fucking, I actually went to Tahiti and had some of their tree bark rubbed into the top of my head and the hair is starting to come back. You know, and they had to decide between me and a child being on life support and they chose me because I had more money and that's just how it works.

That's how it works around the world. Speaking of that, I'm hearing a lot of chatter about Trump right now. Is he on trial? Is that actually going down? That big waste of fucking money to try and impeach him. I don't know what Democrats are getting so fucking excited about, about getting that guy out. You need like three quarters of the vote, which would mean half of his party has to fucking turn on him, which they're not going to do. They're not going to do.

And you know why? Huh? You know why? Because of all you liberal fucking morons. Well, I can't just blame them. It's also the, all the assholes on social media have driven both parties so far away from each other. I don't give a fuck what somebody with a blue or a red tie does. No one's going to vote against them if they're wearing the same color tie.

You go back fucking 50 years ago, you know, they got three quarters. Oh wait, did he get impeached? No, he stepped down. He resigned. Huh. There goes that fucking theory. I don't know. Who the fuck, why would you be watching that shit?

Like, like, like something's going to happen. Like he's actually going to, who wants to put a bet on that? About whether or not that guy gets impeached or not. There's, there's no fucking way that guy gets impeached. I think at this point, you know, Jesus Christ, what a shit shell that guy is. You know, there's a bunch of countries over here and there's some other countries too that the countries and blah, blah, blah. It's like, do you even, it sounds like me doing my podcast. Jesus fuck, how about it?

Can somebody prep the guy? Um, who, who is running for president now? I did see that, that, that woman walked off when she was asked a question. I didn't think she was being that rude. I thought the other person was implying that she was racist and she got offended and that's why she walked off. It all depends on who reads, you know, who you read. All right, here we go. Who is running for president, president, president?

Who is running for president in 2020? Oh, this is coming from the New York Times. Nice unbiased paper. Uh, they're all biased. All right, Jesus Christ. Where did all these women come from? Get back in the fucking ketchup. Sorry, I have to edit that out.

Uh, let's see here. There's a guy named Bennett, Biden, Booker, a lot of bees, Bullock, Buttongig, Castro. I thought he died. Delaney or Delaney. Gabby Gabbard. Harry Harris. Klobacher. Massam Patrick.

Bernie Sanders. Cestak. Strayer. Oh, this is fucking, this is like the first week of the season. Warren Williamson. Yang. Trump Walsh Weld. Oh, Bill Weld, the old Massachusetts guy.

I might vote for him. Fellow freckled face son of a bitch. Dropped out nine Democrats and one Republican. I got to tell you, you know, there's a lot, not running Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Um, I got to tell you, there's a lot of broads running for president. I think that is a good thing because I am progressive. Let's see, we got one, two, three, four, five.

That's a pretty decent mix of people there, huh? You got your white guys, you got your black guys, you got an Asian guy, you got some women. You got an old guy, you got bald guys. People part their hair on the left and the right. Some women with the long hair still looking sexy. Some women like, you know, I've hit menopause haircut. You got hair plugs or whatever the fuck is on Trump's head. Bill Weld, you know, the old redheaded hair, you know, we start to look like a scarecrow.

Um, Dark Knight of the Scarecrow is running for fucking president. All right, this is just a shit show of a podcast. I don't know what I'm talking about. Ford vs Ferrari is coming out this weekend. I'm so far behind on movies. I got to go see the fucking Joker. I got to see Kill the Irishman. I have to see, uh, uh, uh, what is that called?

Because with a P and it's not a good word. It's not pneumonia. Parasite. I got to see parasite and I got to see Ford vs Ferrari. And I think I got to do it in that order. But Ford vs Ferrari is going to be in like fucking IMAX. You know, I want to feel I'm underneath the car when I go see. I just want to go see that shit.

You know, that's an incredible story. Even though I know the story, I got to see how Hollywood tells the story. Hey, headliners, just to let you have this guacamole in the fucking green room. Hey, headliners, how funny is that? Hey, all of you. Um, anyway, all right, let's let's plow ahead. So I was on the airplane, right? And, uh, I get on the plane and it was a fucking wide body.

Right? I don't mind a chick with a little bit of girth, right? So I get on this wide body and I'm fucking psyched. You never get to fly in those things. And I'm so excited. I got to my row and I sat in the wrong seat. And there was this really nice woman. She goes, hey, I don't want to start anything.

But I said, oh, sorry, go on the other side. She goes, nah, you already got your stuff. So you're fine. Right? So the flight already starts great. Right? So wide body, the people, everybody's in a good mood. We're all going to be flying in this giant living room.

This is awesome. So I started watching, uh, I started watching some movies. And, uh, the fuck did I watch? I watched a documentary on this guy who, uh, Carmine's guitars in New York. I watched, uh, American graffiti, which I hadn't seen in forever. Still fucking funny as hell. I still think the biggest laugh is right in the beginning when that kid comes on in the motor scooter. Just fucking.

If that, if that whole thing was on purpose, that was like one of the great slapstick fucking prop gags ever. Um, just a great movie, just a great movie. Um, the way they'll deal the whole thing. If you're trying to learn how to write a script, I think that's a good one to watch as far as a feel good. It all comes together in the end type of thing. And then I actually, uh, I always put on the classics. The classics were American graffiti. Jaws was another classic, but I've seen that a million times.

And then a star is born with, um, what the fuck's her name? The one all the gay comics used to always imitate. Judy Garland, right? So, uh, I put that fucking movie on that movie was 171 minutes long. And when I tell you, Judy Garland sings for like 125 minutes of it. And just full out fucking the whole fuck. I had to like take the headphones off. It got to the point.

I was like, I was just laughing, watching it. Like, I don't, it sounds like an incredible story. It's about a guy who fucking, you know, he's a star. He sees this woman, right? He doesn't try to bang her. He tries to make her as he's a progressive guy. He tries to make her a star, right? She becomes a star and then she ends up becoming bigger than him.

And then he can't fucking handle it. It's essentially the fucking story, right? Although he does marry her and then he starts banging her, right? So he's sort of a lazy, like toxic guy, I guess. I don't, I don't, I don't know how to do the math anymore. I'll have to go on Twitter. Hey, movie stars, fucking gay. Anyway, where else am I here?

What am I talking about? Yeah, dude, like, I'm telling like, she was singing like back-to-back songs. I mean, that fucking movie, if you took out her singing, which she really only needed to do a couple of times before you, all right, I get it, she can sing. Can we get to this interesting dynamic between the two of them that you have this person who's reaching down to help this other person and all this, and the person he's helps out is gonna fucking then go on and pass him.

And I want to see how this person handles it. I want to see that. Every five seconds. Oh, Jimmy Crackorn and I don't care. Fucking, there's so much fucking, like if there was ever a drinking game that every time Judy Garland is singing, you'd have to drink, you'd have cirrhosis of the fucking liver by the time you got halfway through that fucking movie. I got, I'm gonna do it right now.

I don't like doing this. Two freckled thumbs down. And I was on a plane when I watched that, too. Jesus fucking Christ, Judy. Well, that probably wasn't her fault. She's probably gonna, I'm fucking singing again in this scene. Aren't we beating the dead ones? The whole fucking movie.

You know, people did not sing back then, right? They just, you got loud and you put us a little vibrato and, you know, most people didn't have TVs at that point. So it was just, it was just different. It was easy to stand out. If it was walking around, let me turn around and say, hmm, I'm falling into depression. I think it's a conspiracy, right? That's all everybody was talking about.

Then somebody just, whoa. What is that person doing? Could you please do that for 171 minutes? I don't have a radio or a television. Did that movie make any fucking money? I gotta tell you something, too. Like every fucking scene, too. There was like 9,000 extras and all this shit going on.

They literally started off with an award show and they shot an actual award show. Tea for two. Cause I've been doing this thing lately where I like watching the old movies. I don't know why I just like watching them and then like, especially if they like remakes to see how they're doing. And when I saw that that was on there, I was like, oh wow, they've redone this thing three times. Turns out it was four times.

That was the second time they've made that movie. So I was like, you know what, I'm going to watch this one. Then I'll watch the Barbara Streisand, Chris Christopherson one, and then I'll watch the Lady Gaga and the Sniper guy, right? I'll fucking watch that one. And just see how they changed it throughout the years. Oh wow, she's still singing, but she has a cell phone now. I don't know why.

That's how my brain works. Oh, I saw this. Now I have to go fucking see all of them. The plane landed before the goddamn thing was done. And at that point, I literally had the headphones on one ear and off of the other. I had to give my ears a break with all of that fucking singing. It's like for the love of Christ, can you just get to the point

where her movie does better than his movie or her singing thing does better than him? You know, is it just going to be he becomes a dick or are they going to show, does she going to change? When they divorce, does she fucking sing a song to him? I have to look this up to see if anybody else is annoying, but annoyed by the amount of singing. I mean, is that considered a musical?

I don't even know. I thought a musical, like the whole fucking thing was basically music and there's a little bit of that. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe it was a musical. Wait, is Lady Gaga a musical? What the fuck did I just say the name of the movie was? Is a star is born a musical or a drama?

All right. A star is born is a 2018 American musical romantic drama. All right, let's see the Judy Garland. Is a star is born, is Judy Garland? Judy. Judy Garland. She sang more in that movie than Robert Plant sang on like the fucking 75 tour with Zeppelin.

Is Judy Garland, all right. A star is born is a 1954 American musical film. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's not a musical. It's a singing film. I didn't hear a lot of music. I just heard her fucking. The whole fucking goddamn fucking movie.

I wonder if I was saying that out loud. Shut up. Come on. It's the 1950s. You can shake it out of her. Come on. Get a hold of yourself. Get her to stop fucking singing.

No, I'll watch the rest of them. I know this is sacrilegious to sit here and make fun of that movie. But allegedly it was about, you know, a couple of Hollywood relationships. Dish, dish. One of them being Frank Fay. And was it Barbara Stanwyck? Frank Fay. Jesus Christ.

If you want to read a fucking Wikipedia page that you never want to have. Listen to this shit. I fucking looked this up and I was fucking crying laughing going, this guy has to have, all right, this guy has to have one of the worst Wikipedia pages for someone who wasn't a dictator. This was a stand-up comedian. Actually arguably the first stand-up comedian, depending on who you believe. All right, let's see here.

Okay, Francis Anthony Donner, a.k.a. Frank Fay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Although very talented, Fay offended most of the people he worked with because of his enormous ego. This is on his page. Former vaudevillian and radio star Fred Allen remarked, the last time I saw him walking down Lovers Lane. Wait, the last time I saw him, he was walking down Lovers Lane holding his own hand.

Robert Wagner wrote, Fay was one of the most dreadful men in the history of show business. Why haven't they made a movie about this guy? Fay was a drunk, an anti-Semite, and a wife-beater. That's the triple crown of, like, fucking assholes. And Barbara Steinwick had to endure all of that. Well, what the? How did it become about her? Well, according to actor and comedian Milton Burl, I don't know, fuck that guy, Burl.

That guy, Jesus Christ. Ever since George Byrne trashed him for stealing jokes, I was just like, alright, whatever. You got to take everything he says with a grain of salt. But that is literally on his fucking, Fay was a drunk, an anti-Semite, and a wife-beater. Jesus Christ. How many times would that guy get canceled today? My God. And usually it's just like you hear these things about this person or that person.

This is literally, this is the second paragraph of his Wikipedia page. And then you look at a picture of him, he just looks like some guy, hey, how are ya? 23 skidoo. I remember reading in that history of stand-up book that the guy fucking, he was actually, and this was a thing too, because they never show this in movies, that there was like a, it was a minority, but it was a large minority or something. You know what, I shouldn't even say that. There was a lot of people that were pro-fascism, that lived in America during World War II.

I didn't know that, okay? I don't know a lot of things. Okay, so one night they wanted to have a rally. After the fucking war ended, they wanted to have a fucking rally. I believe it was after the war ended. The fascists. And they needed a big name to get to sell tickets. They had it at the original Madison Square Garden, I believe, I'm just saying this from fucking my bad memory.

So they had a night called the Friends of Frank Fay. Let me look this up here. They had the Friends of Frank Fay and this fucking idiot went down and he hosted the thing. And you know, that was, there goes that career. When you host the, hey, I don't think Hitler was that bad gala that tends to affect your fucking career here. Friends of Frank Fay, let's see what it says here. I can't believe I got down this fucking. Friends of Frank, the page Friends of Frank Fay does not exist.

Well, you know, thanks a lot, Wikipedia. You got everything else in here. Friends of Frank Fay. Here we go. What do we got here? In January 1946, an event called the Friends of Frank Fay, members of the Ku Klux Klan and the American Nazi Party employed speakers to talk about the Jewish influence of America's communist president, Franklin D. Roosevelt. This jackass's agent called him up and goes, listen, I'm sure this is a pass, but you know, you told me to bring every, every offer to the table. This January, the 12th, you're open. The Ku Klux Klan and the American Nazi Party are, they're holding a thing about the Jewish influence of America's communist president, Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Would you like to come down there and be the face of that? How much as a parent, hey? Oh, God. Why would you do that? Jesus Christ, I already did a fucking half hour here. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097.

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Okay, here's some questions that I didn't read the other day. All right, Western Pennsylvania isn't that bad. Dear Bill Baldy, you know, if you want me to hear your opinions, you probably shouldn't insult me right out of the gate. All right, Western Pennsylvania is not that bad. I live about 60 miles north of Pittsburgh, right where you said it's the worst. It was my worst experience. Now listen, not all of us up here are chugging big gulps and banging out our sisters. Some of us are shooting up and getting hopped up off of opioids. Oh, brother. Okay, well, I guess you're right. This place is a bit of a dump. But what the hell, I didn't think it was a dump. There was just something weird going on. Anyways, land is cheap and it's not.

And it's not California. Then again, the municipal water supply is downstream of the old Washington Westinghouse plant that is leaching PCBs in the river. So if you ever through here, don't eat the fish hugs and kisses and go fuck yourself. You know, I love how that person disagreed and then agreed with me. All right, dumbest state. Why did I start this? Oh, I would say, you know, it's a New Yorker, a native New Yorker might be the dumbest person that's up there. They are some fucking meatheads. And the thing about it is, is because everybody's written songs and told them how great their city is, they don't feel that they need to travel. So they're not well, it's the weirdest thing ever. They're in this incredible multicultural metropolis, but they haven't traveled. So they're like these townies, like their idea of traveling is taking the subway from Brooklyn to Manhattan.

You know, and then when they go to other cities, the way they judge it is they count buildings. I always have this argument with Versey and Yannis Pompis, you know, they're like, hey, go to San Antonio. I mean, look at this. That's a skyline. Like their architects and they even design a fucking tree fort. Look at all our buildings. This is the one thing that is amazing about New York. And I do love New York. But what is something that they don't mention about New York is that probably, I'm just going to throw random numbers out here. If 65% of the people in New York live above the poverty line, 98% are earning above the poverty line. Like I would say at least 88% of them live below the poverty line.

Some of the worst living you will ever do is your apartment in New York City. I mean, I've gone to cities and like where people store their extra shit is bigger than some people's fucking two bedroom apartments in New York. And then you play like eight grand a fucking month or something crazy. All right, dumbest state. Hey there. Bill Tye, drummer boy. First off, I'd like to say how much I appreciate you having these parts. Okay, thank you very much. All right, my name, I'm not gonna say your name pronounced. I'm not gonna say any of this shit.

I am an Iowan born and raised living in upstate New York. I'm currently in grad school and have four jobs. Yes, I'm a hard worker. The first part of my ordeal is about New York taxes. Then I'll talk about the dumb at the dumb ass state. All right, dumbest taxes. New York has the dumbest taxes. Oh, you should come to fucking California. As an Iowan who currently is in grad school in Rochester, New York City, hometown of Steve got. I've been burdened with the taxes I've had to pay because New York because of New York City, which I am five hours away from. There was also a lot of people that trashed Donald Trump in New York and also in California.

And from what I've heard, he went out of his way to extra taxes. So you got that going on too. One example recently, New York has raised the age for purchasing tobacco products to 21 and in turn raising the taxes on those products. If you think about it from a theoretical theoretical perspective, this means that they are yet again taxing the poor. Who buys cigarettes? Everybody I thought I didn't know rich people didn't buy cigarettes. Oh, I guess maybe they send their help down to get them. Anyway, from the center of disease control and prevention.

Oh, I guess this is going to say that what smoking is a young person thing. Current cigarette smoking among adults in the United States. Cigarette smoking is the leasing cause of preventable disease. United States accounting for more than 480,000 deaths every year. Well, that's great. It's too many people. Thank God the cigarette companies are still out there killing people. By gender, men were more likely to be current cigarette smokers than women.

Nearly 16 of every 100 adult men smoke cigarettes. That's pretty low though. About 12 of every 100 adult women. That's pretty low. That's good. I think when I was a kid, I bet the height was like 30 to 40%. Current cigarette smokers was higher among persons ages 18 to 24. 25 to 44 and 45 to 64 years than among those aged 65 and old.

Yeah, because the doctor told them to stop or they're going to die. About 10 or you died by the time before you got to 65. All right, fuck this study. All right, here we go. By annual income, current cigarette smoking was higher among persons with a low annual household income than those with higher annual household incomes. About 21 of every 100 adults with an annual household income of less than I don't give a shit. All right, dumbest people, Florida has to be the dumbest people. If you remember that goddamn trend, Florida, man, you will understand where I'm coming from.

Basically, the trend consisted of people looking up Florida man and their birthday and you will find some crazy article about some dumb ass doing something in Florida that got him arrested. In defense of Florida, there's a lot of transplant people. So there might be a lot of dumbasses moving to Florida, just like a lot of phony fucking jerk offs move out to fucking California like myself. So I don't know about that one. I still think I'm winning because nobody fucking moves to West Virginia. I mean, sorry, Western Pennsylvania. My birthday is October 18. I know what you're thinking.

It's okay that you forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I'll let it slide. My Florida man article, Florida man shot outside bar after rejecting shot inside bar. Florida man accused of cutting off penis of ex ex's new boyfriend. Florida man tells deputies cocaine on his nose is not his Florida man accused of assaulting roommate with a slice of pizza. Oh, that's on my although the last two are from my birthday. Isn't that nice? Okay, I feel like this is evidence enough straight up fact.

And because you like straight up answers just like myself here are the straight the states ranked by IQ. Oh, no, you found this study. This is going to end this whole fucking fun thing here. Well, you don't have to agree with the study, right? Let's see here. All right. 50 stanks. Stanks.

50 states ranked by intelligent scores. All right. Okay. All right. Intelligence by state ranked from the most to the least. The smartest state, Massachusetts. Dude, I knew I was wicked smart. That's not true.

That's because of all those fucking smarties that fucking go to MIT in Harvard, I would think. There's a lot of great colleges there. Maybe the people fall in love with the city and they stick around. I don't know. It certain wasn't me and all my knucklehead friends. Number two, Minnesota. Number three, New Hampshire. Number four, Connecticut.

Look at that. New England. Crushing it. Three of the top four fucking slots. Number five, Wisconsin. The Midwest coming strong. Minnesota, Wisconsin. And there's Kansas and number six.

It's all tied up. Vermont at seven. New England is pulled ahead. Iowa. It's tied four to four. New Jersey. Huh? How do you like that?

Is Columbus the smartest? Let me make sure here. Oh, for most to least. All right, I am right. Okay. New Jersey, number nine. And then Colorado. Finally, the first one in mountain time.

South Dakota, Nebraska. 13, Virginia. 14, North Dakota. Illinois, Missouri. Number 17, New York. I want to wake up in a city that's ranked 17th. Ohio. Maine, Maryland, Michigan.

All right. Michigan's the first one outside the top 20. All right. Here we go. It's going downhill. People in Ohio must be excited that you are three states smarter than Michigan. All right.

22 on down. Montana, Washington, Utah, Wyoming, Pennsylvania at 26. Rhode Island. All right. We only got one. So Maine is the dumbest fucking New England state. 28, Oregon, Delaware, Oklahoma. All right.

Oh, Jesus. You know what I noticed? There hasn't been a lot of things down south, huh? Those motherfuckers after the Civil War, they didn't get the good books. All right. 31, Kentucky, 32, Indiana, Tennessee, California, Mexico, Arkansas, Alaska.

Jesus. When you live above the fucking Arctic Circle, what do you think is going to happen? You'll give a shit. You're just trying not to freeze to death. You don't have time to read. How to fight off a grizzly bear outside my cabin. Page one.

All right. 38, Georgia, 39, Texas. You don't mess with Texas. 40, New Mexico. What are you talking about? Walter White lived there. That guy was a genius. Arizona.

42, North Carolina. 43, Louisiana. 44, West Virginia. 45, South Carolina. 46, Florida. 47, Alabama. 48, Mississippi. 49, Nevada.

50, Hawaii? I never saw that one coming. Jesus Christ. I never would have guessed Hawaii last. I would have guessed Mississippi just as far as the ones that get bad publicity. I would have guessed Mississippi. I would have guessed West Virginia. And I would have guessed Pennsylvania just because it's so fucking big and it only has

like two real cities in it. Pittsburgh and Philly. You know, nobody goes to Harrisburg, right? You know, I didn't realize Gettysburg. All those years to Gettysburg address. I always thought that was down south. I didn't realize that that was in Pennsylvania. You know what?

If I'm ever made a state, I'm going to be 51st on that fucking list. All right. Let's get on to the next thing here. All right. Acetate to blame. Massachusetts, the smartest state out there. I love it. Acetate to blame.

I'm going to send that to Yanis Papas. Hey, Bill, back in my day, Burr, you'll do it someday, buddy. You will do it someday. Saw this article and thought of you. Not sure what your thoughts are on vaping. I don't vape, but know that you are, that there are pros and cons to it. It looks like acetate might be to blame for some of the negative side effects. I'm a lady who's been listening to your podcast for years.

I appreciate all your viewpoints. And honestly, also loved the special me and my sister watched it together and laughed the whole way through. Take care. Thank you. All right. Let's see the whole thing on vaping and acetate. Acetate.

Acetate. All right. Breakthrough and CDC vaping illness investigation. Well, I mean, you're bringing fucking shit into your lungs. It's not good. I mean, I don't understand why this was, it's not as bad as cigarettes that kill 80,000 people a year in America. Vitamin E acetate and additives sometimes used in THC and other vaping products may be

to blame for a national outbreak of e-cigarette related lung injuries that linked to dozens of deaths according to U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officials. Dr. Ann Schuchat. What a great name. Schuchat. Dr. Ann Schuchat. She loved that guy, unless she's not married. The principal deputy director of the CDC said she would characterize it as a breakthrough

and patting yourself on the back. These new findings are significant. Once I heard popcorn lung, I was like, I will never fucking do that again. All right. Hair problems. Oh, come on, people have a little bit of fucking sympathy, huh? All right. Hair problems.

Hey, Billy Ballbag, breath. Let's see here. First things first. Love the podcast. Can't wait for it. F is for family season four. Come do a show in Winnipeg. Canada, you lovable fuck.

I haven't been there in a minute. I had a great time when I was up there. I would definitely, I should come back. I played a great old theater about six years ago. I started to notice that my hair start. I know it started to notice my hair start to get thinner and my hairline creeping back. At the time, I never really thought anything of it, but I'm not the most attractive guy in the world.

And I don't think this is helping my case. I've had quite a few first dates, but never a second. And I know, well, maybe you have fucking ballbag breath. Stop blaming your hairline. And I know for a fact that in today's fucked up society, looks are everything. This is really starting to fuck with my self-esteem. I'm only 22 years old and I'm still not at the point of acceptance. My barber mentioned the option of a hair transplant, but that scares the crap out of me.

I don't want this thing towering over me for the rest of my young life. As someone who has experienced hair loss, have you ever had to deal with poor self-image over your life? No, no, not at all. Any input would be much appreciated. Thanks to go fuck yourself. Yeah, absolutely I did. Absolutely. I felt like a freak when I was growing up.

I had fucking orange hair. I used to literally think in my, I used to think, you know, I'd have a girlfriend if I didn't have fucking orange hair. I would literally think shit like that rather than just going up and making them laugh and asking them out. I would have been fine. I had all, I had all kinds of fucking issues. You know, skin the color of wall paste with, you know, fucking freckles. I was a freak, still am. But what I have found is what works the best is to, you just steer into it.

You know what I mean? No matter what the fuck you do, there's only one Brad Pitt. You're not going to be Brad Pitt. So like, just keep yourself in shape. You know, self-deprecating humor is great. Make funny yourself. Who gives a shit? I don't know.

I found that like, that actually accepting what you look like is a real confident move. And women are attracted to confidence and you'll do fine. All right. It's probably not a good thing to continue to go on fucking Instagram and look at all these people who are taking, holding the camera over their head. So they try to look better looking than they really are. You're fine. You know, you want, you want something to marry you because you have hair in your head? You know, the second, I didn't love you at first, but the second I saw your hair coming back, I decided I would love to have half of what you have.

That's not a good way to find a wife, my friend. I mean, I, with empathy, it's got to be tough to be going through that at 22. But yeah, I would just fucking go to the gym, joke about it. I don't, I don't know. I don't know. But who knows, you know, but if you're going to do the hair transplant thing, I really believe the longer you can hold out, the better. Cause they just keep getting, let them practice on more heads until they get it down. But they got it down pretty good.

You know, I don't know. They have these things you can take and it's supposed to stop the hair loss. I don't fucking know, but I always think you can't get your cake and eat it. There always has to be some fucking side effect to whatever the hell it is you're taking. But I would just, yeah, if you're going to ride it out, I wouldn't try and hide it. You just cut it down short and then that's fucking it. Who gives a shit and be a cool guy, be a nice guy, be empathetic, be a warm, wonderful person that people are happy that shows up. And without a doubt, you will meet somebody.

All right. But you know, you're going to get your teeth fucking whitened or capped and get hair plugs and shit. You will also meet somebody and she's going to look like a stripper. All right. Girlfriend wearing infinity ring, which I know who does want to bang a stripper. Yeah, but you don't want to marry one. Right. I don't know.

Is there any strippers listening? I probably shouldn't say that. What the fuck do I know about strippers? All right. Girlfriend wearing infinity ring. I don't know what an infinity ring is. I know it's a car. Hey, old Billy bounty hunter.

Oh yeah. That's right. Star Wars came out on Tuesday. So many people subscribed that Disney plus crashed. I hope it's up and running. And I also liked that there, you know, you know, they got all those other shows on there too. I don't know what else they got on there. Just go on for the Star Wars.

That's what you're signing up for. Wondering if you can weigh in on something for me. First, a little context. My girl and I have been together for a year now and things are going well. I'm happy with her and in love and the feelings are mutual according to what she says and what I feel from her. The other night we went to dinner. There's the way that you wrote that. I'm a little concerned about the rest of this fucking email.

The other night we went to dinner with her whole family to celebrate her niece's birthday. My girl doesn't wear jewelry very often. So I noticed that she had a ring and earrings on. Then I look closer at a ring and I noticed that it was the infinity symbol. But at the time I didn't overthink it too much. All right, I have to tap out right now and I have to look up whatever the fuck. What is the infinity symbol? What is this?

Hang on a second. Infinity symbol. Meaning. Jewelry. Oh yeah, it looks like a pretzel. The meaning behind jewelry with an infinity symbol is lovely. It symbolizes eternity, empowerment, and internal love. The infinity symbol has no beginning and no ending.

It can mean different things. For example, infinite friendship, love, or spiritual bond. Okay, so she's wearing this. She has an infinite thing with somebody and you don't know who the fuck it is. All right. Later at her place, she took off her jewelry. She took her jewelry off and I asked her where she got the ring because in the back of my mind it seemed kind of significant.

She vaguely said that she got it a long time ago. Oh boy. Today it's kind of bugging me. I think most people have a gift or two from an X laying around, but it's the symbol of infinity that is what I'm stuck on. My question to you is, should I question her again about whether the ring was a gift from an X or just let it slide? I don't think she's cheating on me or is,

I don't think she's cheating on me or is really stuck on an old boyfriend. Okay. Would asking her just stir things up? Of course it will. In an otherwise good relationship, you are the dear Abbey of this generation, but much funnier. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

Um, you know how I always handled this type of shit? I always just never gave a fuck. It's like, look, if you want to be hung up on this other fucking person, it'd be a fucking jerk. I don't give a fuck. I would never spend any fucking energy on it. You know, it might not mean anything, but if it does mean something and someday she's going to break your fucking heart,

you're already in love with this. So you're already fucked. So fuck her. Who gives a shit? The dumb fucking jewelry that she, you know, it's probably one of these things. It could just be this thing that, you know, it was like the, uh, the fucking, you know, sitting down with the parents. So she had to break out some jewelry to try to look fucking a little bit nicer.

You know, you never know how women think this could be like a subtle fucking nod. And she could have that she wants you to give her some jewelry for fucking Christmas and she's pissed at you that you didn't take the fucking hint. So I don't know, but she's just vaguely said that she got it a long time ago. Um, I don't know. That's fucking weird. It is fucking weird. And I can, this is, this is the thing about fucking broads is if you fucking showed up

wearing that shit, you, you would have had to fucking deal with it probably during dinner because she would have already started pouting. Then you have a big fucking thing and then she'd have to watch you literally physically throw it out. And then you'd have to go out and go buy her the same fucking thing, a little bit bigger, a little bit shinier and a little, you know, more expensive than all of that fucking shit. But as a man, what you have to realize is that women are not held accountable for their fucking actions in a relationship.

They just are not. So what you got to fucking do is you either got to, you know what, I can't tell you, you either have to fucking address this shit or just say fuck it. Personally, I would just say fuck it. All right. Well, let's be honest. I would say fuck it. And then a few months down the road, we would get into an argument and then I'd bring it up.

You know, I just thought you were rude to my friends. Yeah, at least I'm not wearing the jewelry. Some guy used to fuck at your parents' dinner. Where is that coming from? Uh, I don't know, like three months ago. Why didn't you say something then? Uh, I don't know. So you've just been thinking this the whole time?

Yep. Who are you? I don't know. All right. Girl cried. Girl cried after first date. Oh, Jesus. Cried about what?

Oh my God. Oh, Jesus. Shut off the waterworks there. I hope she was standing in the LA River. All right. Girl cried after the first date. Hey, Bill. I'm a fan of the park.

All right. All right. All right. All right. I was hoping you could give some insight into this date. I took my friend on yesterday. Here's the deal. I'm an enlisted man.

From the halls of off we go over hill over Dale. I don't know. All right. I'm an enlisted man. Um, and recently took my friend to the Marine Corps ball. Wait, how about the four fighting songs? Off we go is the Air Force from the halls of Montezuma. That's the Marines.

The army is over hill over Dale. We will hit the dusty trail. What is the Navy song? Oh, that's right. In the Navy. You can sail the seven seas. Navy fight song. Row, row, row.

Oh, anchors away. My boy. Anchors away. Two, three, four. All right. Okay. Here's the deal. I'm an enlisted man.

And I recently took my friend to the Marine Corps ball. Um, she was really excited to go and went the whole night. She bought a new dress, shoes, Julie, and even went to go get her makeup done. The plan for the night was to have a few drinks, enjoy dinner and dance afterwards. Oh boy. It sounds like the first 48. He went to a party to meet a friend. He never got there.

Uh, we get, we get there and socialize a bit while having cocktails. All right. Now you're altering your mental state. Gee, what could happen next? Generally things seems to be, seem to be going well. The thing is that before dinner started, we went up to the hotel and ended up having sex. All right. Wait a second.

You took your friend. You're not saying girlfriend. Before dinner started, you went up to the whole trial and we ended up having sex. All right. So we having like before dinner cocktails and then you banged and now you're going to come downstairs and have the lasagna and fucking meet Patty or whatever they were serving. Anyway, we missed out on dinner and dancing and instead turned in for the night while she was taking a shower.

I could hear her crying. Oh boy. It wasn't until then that I realized how much coming to this thing meant to her. I felt like a total dick. Oh God. You went into the two minute offense in the second quarter. Uh, any advice on how to go on how to go from here? I really care about this girl and making her cry is legitimately one of the worst feelings

I've ever experienced. Well, I would tell her that. Oh yeah. She also has a boyfriend. Oh boy. Okay. Now pull the ripcord, sir. And she's been cheating on him for the past month with me.

We've known each other for a while and I'd like to know what you think about the whole thing. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I think you both need to fucking, I think you need to walk away. That's what I think. Uh, I think she was crying. I don't know. You guys sound like you're young, you know, you don't know how to fucking, you know, there's

no class the whole time when you're growing up. They fucking teach you geometry. Like you're going to go design a goddamn bridge someday, which most of us never do. But all of us are going to have to break up with somebody at some point and never tell you how to do it. So that's probably what the fuck she's going through. Um, I don't know dude, that's, that's a, it's a, you never start a relationship with somebody who's cheating on somebody else.

That's one of the oldest things in the book. You know what I mean? Cause eventually they're going to end up cheating on you. Isn't that how that works? Isn't that how they say that? Um, I would just tell it that, you know, hearing you cry is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. Uh, I don't know.

I couldn't tell what you were crying about. If it was because you wanted to go to that, that ball and we tapped out halfway through or if you're crying about your current, um, complex social life, whatever, you don't got to dance around. Just be like, what are we doing here? Huh? You are, you already have a boyfriend. You need to break up with this guy.

We can't continue seeing each other like this. I would suggest that you guys break up, take some time off from each other and then figure out what the fuck's going on. Cause, uh, I don't know. You don't ever want to be with somebody too who just got out of relationship and then immediately goes to you because to me that just seems like they're afraid to be single and then they're going to settle for you and then you're going to love them and they're just settling for you.

And then one day they're going to, they're going to go to another ball. They ain't going with you. Right? All right. That's it. That's the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend.

Your cunts. Um, once again, congratulations. To the fucking Seattle Seahawks, man. They were looking strong. I didn't know the clown. He was on their team. They are going to be a fucking problem. And as a Patriots fan, I am glad that the 49ers in Seattle will play each other.

Hopefully. And one's going to take the other one out. Um, who knows? I mean, not saying that the Patriots will make the Super Bowl. I'll tell you right now that, uh, that Baltimore game was in a ticket. Any sort of indication about what's going to be coming up here against some of these more competitive teams around the league. I'll tell you the, the Patriots got the work cut out for them.

All right. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Monday. Hey, how do I shut this off? Hey. Hey. Hey. And, uh, I for one, in a little second, but this podcast sucks.

This podcast sucks so far. You know why it is? Cause I'm not really paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm trying to adjust where I'm going to sit. Oh, fucking cunt. Just dropped it. There we go. Is that better?

Well, listen, you know what the good thing is? I see, you know, what's the great thing about having a fucking train wreck is as bad as it is to listen to on some level, it has to make you guys feel better about your lives. Doesn't it? You know, well shit, at least if I mean, I don't do a podcast, but if I were to do it, there would be some sort of preparation. Um, all right. I got nothing but good news this week, everybody.

Nothing but good. Nothing. You did nothing. I got nothing but good news this week. All right. First things first. If you're a cute little Monday morning podcast ears, I went out and I figured out what the fucking problem was.

It was a simple thing. I just had a problem with the wire and I went out and I bought, uh, I just went to guitar center and I alleviated the problem because I went out and I rather than buying the little douchey $8 cord, you know, like my parents just bought me a ukulele for my 12th birthday and I have a rock and roll dream, you know, so then I go out and I buy the cheapest shit into an amp instead. I went out and said, fuck that. Give me the $100 one.

Give me the one Jimmy Page uses when he plays those guys music and then doesn't give him credit for it. Give me that one. I want that one. Um, so I got that one. So now we're good. All right. The levels should be fine.

Everything should be fine. And if you don't like it, I suggest you pack up your little fucking iPod or whatever you listen to this thing on and you just get the fuck out of my podcasting world. What do you think about that? Um, very hostile bill, very hostile for someone who has nothing to bitch about. Uh, yeah, I don't. I have nothing to complain about. I basically just wrapped the most unbelievable fucking month of my life.

You know, I don't think there's going to be any comedy on this one. Everybody, I am fucking ecstatic. All right. I got a brand new website. Everybody. I just, I went to go on it and I can't get on it, but it should be up by the time you listen to this. Or maybe it's my computer.

I don't know what the fuck's going on. I got one of these laptops that's like, uh, I don't know, at this point it's almost three years old, which is basically, it's basically the laptop equivalent of, uh, like a 47 year old strip. You know, it's, it's still doing the job. It still looks all right. You know, it's still can do the little tricks can go on the internet, can fucking drop down to a split and bring that booty right back up again, you know, but it's tired.

I could see it. It's got a little varicose veins on the side of the plastic. It's just, it's, it's had its time and, um, I feel bad for it. Never found love. It always said that it was only going to be a laptop for like, you know, a year, year and a half, and then it was going to go back to school and become a fucking iPad or some shit. Um, but it didn't.

It's just become a cliched laptop. And what am I going to do with it? You know, I'd love to donate it to a school, but some of the porn I've looked at, I don't need that. I don't need to send that over to kids and then all of a sudden it comes back to me. I don't need that. So you know what I'm going to do with it? I'm going to throw it in the fucking trash.

It's going to end up in that cesspool of shit out there in the middle of the ocean. You know, that's two miles deep and twice the size of Texas and some flounders going to swim right through it. And yeah, fucking months later, I'm going to be eating some sushi, you know, thinking I'm being healthy. What am I doing? I'm eating my old fucking laptop with a side of rollerblades, a couple of beanie babies with my Eddie mom, Eddie mommy.

That's what's out there in the ocean. You guys realize that it's all those fucking fads you forgot about. Remember those razor scooters? Yeah, it was the last time you saw one of those. Where is it? Maybe that's in your garage. That'd be a good thing to hold on to. That was sort of made out of a precious metal.

Maybe that's something you could melt down during some sort of zombie crisis and make a sword. You know, could you get away from a zombie with a, uh, with a scooter while you fucking nerds out there who are into that type of shit if you had a little razor scooter, could you do it? What if you dropped your glasses, you fucking sci-fi douche? Then what would you do? That would be hilarious watching you squint down the street.

You already know you're uncoordinated. If you're a nerd, if you're into sci-fi, this is something, this is one of the truest statements that we're going to make. If you're into sci-fi, you have no hand eye coordination, you know, that's why the football player is always through shit at your head. It's not because they were assholes. It's because they knew you didn't have the ability to send some sort of signal to your fucking hands to get them up in time or at least get them in the right position.

That's why they did it. You know, why don't you step outside your little bullying self, bullied self, I should say and just realize that, you know, yes, it was your head. Yes, it was your childhood, but as a man, be honest, is there anything funnier? Than seeing somebody with a bad haircut. Take some sort of object to the side of the head at about 30, 35 miles an hour. There's just nothing funnier than that, you know. In a lot of ways, all these fucking nerds who are getting bullied, it's their fault.

It's not even their fault, it's their parents fault. What are you doing? You went to school. You say you're a nerd, right? And you went out, you found some other nerdy broad at some nerdy fucking event, right? And then you guys, you fucking went in the corner and you, I don't know what you did. You were so excited that another human being liked you that you forgot to put on a condom. The next thing you know, nine months later, you got yourself another little nerd, all

right? And you love the little bastard. He looks just like him out of the wool wearing glasses. This is, this is, this is, this is your seed, all right? That human bullied and you got the living shit kicked out of you. That's not something you ever fucking forget, okay? You don't ever forget that. You sit back, you analyze it.

You talk to a higher power. Why me? Why, why was I born this way? Why am I the guy? How come I can't catch anything in gym class? Why am I required to still go to fucking dumb jock? Well, you know why? Because a dumb jock still has to go to science class.

All right, another problem, another question answered in my own fucking head. All right, so anyways, you remember all those beatdowns and you have all those fucking fantasies about going in there, Jeremy's spoken, yeah, all right, and doing something fucking crazy, but you don't. What do you do? You say, fuck this, I'm going out in the fucking world. It might do she little nerdy card, I'm going to find other nerds and we're going to get together that we're going to start a computer company, right?

And then we'll sit in the lotus position hugging it because it's our friend because it was never mean to us because it could take us to space and beyond. I really don't know I'm going with this. Just buckle up, shut the fuck up. All right, where am I? Oh, going to space and beyond. And then you became a success, right? Then you went to Comic Con, you finally got your dick wet, now you got a fucking nerd

ass kid. So here's my question to you, nerd dad, daddy nerd, big daddy, nerd, nerd, let me ask you a fucking question. How do you forget to not send your kid to school looking like a spaz? How do you forget? Get up some contacts, comb his fucking hair, just fucking try to see what the other kids are wearing and put him in that uniform. Give him the best fucking chance he possibly has to not get the shit kicked out of him.

That's the problem. That's the problem with these fucking nerds. They don't learn anything from the childhood. The same way the fucking football player douche, right? He goes out and goes and bang some chick named Debbie who never wore panties, you know, but she had pom-poms so she's a good catch, right? He goes out, just drops a fucking load right in her. Nine months later, right?

Now they got some little douche, right? Coming out of the womb already looking like he's wearing shoulder pads. He's all ready to start picking on some little spaz. You know, same way the football player doesn't learn anything. Why would he learn anything? He had a great fucking time. You know, as you went home jerking off the cheerleaders, he was actually fucking them. For all you know, if he gained enough, yeah, he might have banged one of your teachers.

That happens. Um, that's all I'm saying is all this talk in the news about bullying. Okay, it shouldn't be done blah, blah, blah and all this type of shit. You know, where is your responsibility as a fucking parent to not send your kid to school to avoid sending your kid to school with please beat the shit out of me close? You know? Oh my God. I remember one time I went to school, right?

I came from a big family. You know, this is, you know, my mom did the laundry, but this is before the whole fucking eye washer and eye dryer. I could just fucking just rooty toot toot and get the whole fucking thing done in two seconds back in the day. Yeah, you had to scrub it down by the brook, hang it by a tree and then pack your musket. So some fucking Davey Crockett looking douche would come by and steal it. Um, no, we didn't have a dryer.

So we used to hang it between the trees, but we had a washer. We had a washer, um, so anyways, I was running out of fucking close, you know, and I was down to the last, I think I told the story before, right? I was down to the last two fucking things I had in my closet. One was a fucking button down shirt that my grandmother got me. It was like fucking somewhere between baby blue and the fucking in West Hollywood. That was the color of it, right? It was basically the Seinfeld Puffy shirt before Seinfeld.

Um, it didn't have the ruffles in the front, but it just, it was really, there was no reason to ever wear this shirt unless you were on stage playing the hero in some sort of pirate movie. Put it that way. All right. Very, very puffy sleeves. I could have fit his arm in there. No problem.

A lot of people don't know that. That's why pop. I didn't wear button down shirts because he was a sailor, you know, he was a pirate. He could have, he could have wore those puffy ones and his forearms would have fit. Maybe he was a pirate. Um, anyways, so I was down in that fucking ugly ass goddamn grandmother shirt and I swear to God, all I had left was this pair of, they were pinkish orange, two tone slacks. I don't know that sounds gay as hell, but it was the seventies.

There was two pairs of them. One was, was light blue and then the other one was this rusty orange, but definitely pink going on in them. And they basically, the pants were dark, the legs of the pants were dark, but the pockets on the back were dark blue. The legs of the pants were dark blue and the back pockets were a lighter blue and they go up around the waist. There was another design, you know, at the top of my fucking little eight year old booty

crack was another little light blue design. I swear to God, it was, it was, it was designed by a pedophile somewhere, somewhere in France where evidently it's legal. So anyways, but that pair, even that pair was in the wash. So I had the rusty orange pinkish version of those pants with this sky blue fucking pirate shirt and I was sitting there. I was just old enough to realize that it might have been a problem, but just young enough to be too stupid to fake sick and not go to school.

So I said, I don't know about this. I was looking at it and I was like, yeah, I think I'm going to be all right. Fuck it. Right. And then I put on like a pair of dirty, like Adidas dragons or something I went to school and I knew it was in trouble. Second I got off the bus and my friends were looking at me and they were just looking me up and down and they were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on.

I'm trying to play it off, but I had my coat on at this point. So you can only see a little bit of my shirt, but you could definitely see these two tone pink pants and they were just going, well, I was in the fourth grade. So one kid asked me if I had a date long story short, it was the longest fucking day of my life. The people who I thought were my friends immediately became people I never spoke to again for at least another two weeks, which is like nine years when you're in fourth grade. And it was one of the worst fucking days I have had in my life.

All right. And this is the thing about the parents and nerds. They fucking send their kids to school like that every fucking day. How do you forget? Let's say you don't know shit about fashion. Just get them a fucking pair, three, four pairs of fucking jeans, some sort of blue. Get them some black, gray, some fucking manly goddamn colors. All right.

And just tell them to keep his fucking mouth shut. Just go, look, don't bring up that, don't bring up that fucking Star Trek shit to the football players. Keep your fucking head down. I swear to God. If any, if I had some nerdy little kid, that's what I would do. All right. And if, if some fucking kid ever kicked the shit out of my kid, I would immediately,

I would send my nerd to a goddamn CIA Jiu Jitsu Israeli fucking martial arts school. All right. I'd send him there in a little dog cage and I'm going to give a shit how much he cried and even though it would break my heart watching his glasses fog up. It's like, dude, you know, this is going to happen to you every fucking day. I'm doing you a favor. All right. You're going to be the one scientist in the world that knows how to fight.

Okay. And meanwhile I would go out, I go to a local sporting goods store and I'd buy a BB gun and I would drive over to the kid's house that beat up my kid and I'd shoot his dad in the neck from across the street. I might shoot at all of them. I go up in a tree and just keep them pinned down for a while. Although I don't know if you can do that now, not the age of cell phones is around. That's another reason why cell phones suck.

It's so hard. It's so hard to have a conversation with somebody now because they're always looking at the text messages and shit. Right. But now not only that, because of cell phones, you've completely eliminated all possibilities unless you just don't care about getting caught of pinning down another family with a BB gun from a tree across the street. You know, I'm telling you people, how many more freedoms are we going to lose in this

country before somebody steps up and does something? You know, it's funny. I'm laying on the floor right now and I have my head up against the wall and my bald spot on the back of my head is making my head really cold. Oh, aging. Isn't it fun? So anyways, listen to this fucking week. Let's just go over my fucking last couple of weeks.

This is how fucking insane my life has been. All right. I went to London, did a show there, Copenhagen, Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm, Sweden. I fly home. We stop in Zurich, Switzerland. So I get to look at the Swiss Alps, granted out of my little fucking porthole of a window. Actually, I was sitting in the middle of the plane, those giant planes where they have like three, three sections.

I was in the aisle in the middle, this fucking goddamn lady wouldn't get a big fucking head out of the way. But I still saw him, flew home, then I'm like, oh, I'm going to rest up for a couple of like a week here before I go back to New York or do the whole Carnegie thing. And then what happens? Out of the blue, I get a call, somebody dropped out. I got to do panel for the first time on the Jimmy Fallon show. By the way, thank you to everybody on the Jimmy Fallon show.

And if there's any music geeks out there, I forget the name of it. The song that they played, the roots played when I came out. I had actually heard of it before and forgot about it was actually a song Bill Cosby wrote. Like some sort of, I don't know, you know, he's into jazz. I don't know. I never really watched that show. But I wanted to hear it because I was so like when I walked out, you know, the first time you do stand up on a late night show, it's like you dreamed it because there's so much

shit you're taking in. You're already dealing with, oh my God, what if I bomb on national TV? Then you walk out and then there's a bunch of cameras. There's the band. There's the host. And then behind all of this, the cameras is this studio audience. And they're totally amped up and they laugh and they clap in weird places. I don't know why, but they do.

So you got to do that. You got to do like two or three of them before you start to get used to that. So I'm thinking, all right, I'm doing panel. This is going to be, this will be easy. I don't have to fucking, I got another person to bounce stuff off of the blah, blah, blah. But even that came out and it took me a couple of minutes to get going. I thought or whatever it took me a minute and a half to kind of feel it out. Oh my God, there's the band over there.

There's Jimmy. Those are my shoes. That's the crowd. What do I do this? Who do I look at? And I, I don't know. Then I kind of figured it out about a minute and a half in. So anyway, so I got to do that.

I was a little sidetracked there. So I get to do that shit, right? Do my little Midwest tour. Come back. Oh wait. And then he did opening Anthony and it just so happens when I do opening Anthony. I go in there two days, one day I go in there, Tony I owe me comes in from black Sabbath. I got to ask him a couple of questions about John Bonham's bass drum technique.

He didn't know, but I still got to ask him. And then two days later Ace freely came in from kiss, got to shoot the shit with him. You know, found out his last name isn't freely. It's Fraley. And that's why it was Fraley's Comet like Haley's Comet opi figured that out. Never knew that shit. Why back fucking home? Come back again.

And I get to do Carnegie Hall. I do Carnegie Hall. Then I fucking the next day I go up to Boston, perform at my old college. They give me some sort of award for being comic of the 617 area code, right? But I'll take it. And then comics come home just happened to be up the street and they said, hey, somebody dropped out. They come by.

So I fucking went up there and I did that. Oh, by the way, Robert Kelly Bobby Kelly, Robert motherfucking Kelly fucking destroyed on the comics come home. Absolutely fucking destroyed. It was like he wasn't even doing his act. It was like hanging out with Bobby in a fucking whatever coffee shop or whatever. He was just he was fucking it's the funniest I've ever seen him. I was dying laughing.

Then I was like, oh, fuck, I got to go on after this. So then it anyways, then I'm flying home. Okay. And I'm thinking. All right, the Patriots, they're going to lose to the Jets. They're going to fucking loose. This defense is horrific. Our offense, our offensive line hasn't been able to block anybody lately.

All these douche. I got to text them somebody. Yeah, the Steelers finally figured out Brady. Oh, did you figure out that if he's on his back, he can't throw a fucking pass your jackass? Did you figure out that if he has a shit defense and if he's sitting on the sidelines for 17 minutes with his teeth chatter it because he hasn't thrown a ball in like 20 minutes that that's going to fuck with this timing? Absolutely.

Absolutely. But I get it. I understand why you guys are sending. I see through all your emails. All you're saying is I'm so psyched after a decade of getting ass raped by that good-looking son of a bitch with the fucking supermodel wife. I'm so glad we finally put him on his back. I get it.

I know what you guys are going through. I dealt with fucking Dan Marino that tanned up glove wearing son of a bitch used to come up every fucking time kick our ass and then you go down. We go down to the orange bowl and he'd be even more tan looking like Tony Curtis back there with his fucking Dennis Miller mullet and he'd be just killing us. I know. I know what you're going through. So I'm sitting.

I'm getting on the flight like a fucking asshole. I thought the Patriots Jets game was a one o'clock game. So I got myself a five o'clock flight and I ended up realizing as I went down there that it was the eight o'clock game and I had a six hour flight and basically I was going to land with like fucking five minutes to go. So I'm like Jesus Christ. You know something they're going to get their asses kicked. I just don't believe in their defense.

I mean I think we can go up against you know you know eight and eight teams and below and put on a good performance but I don't see us doing well against the top teams and despite the Jets record you know they still got a great defense and they did go to the AFC championship two times in a row. They fucking been there. That's why I knew they were going to kick the bill's ass last week. They fucking been there. They got too much experience and I was just like fuck well at least I don't have to sit

there and age 20 years watching this game and I figured when I landed everybody was going to be sending me these text messages saying that the the fucking Patriots got their asses kicked and fuck Tom Brady it's fucking over two New York teams in a row and when I landed I'm not even going to lie to you I was absolutely stunned that they were winning but the level that they are winning. So I am not going to talk shit because as you heard on my podcast last week I did not have any faith and I thought that we were going to lose not only lose to them I thought the Jets were going to win the division.

Alright so if I were to go on the podcast this week and start talking shit you know what that would make me? That would make me like a fucking Yankees fan like all those cunts who I didn't hear from until fucking you know since game three of 2004 and then the Red Sox choked and they all crawl out of their fucking holes and then the next week they lose to the Tigers in the first round and then they disappear again. I don't want to be that guy so I'm absolutely stunned the level fucking defense played unbelievable all of a sudden we had a pass rush what happened there the Jets have some sort of injury on

their offensive line I couldn't fucking believe it so anyways so I really have nothing to complain about everything is just totally worked I'm almost like I've had such a great month I'm afraid to walk out of my house feeling as though a piano is going to fall on my head just to balance shit out so which brings us to Carnegie Hall that I sort of glanced over and I don't know how to do this I guess there was some funny shit happen but I got to tell you I want to thank everybody from the bottom of my heart first of all that ever came to one of my comedy shows that sat there while I sucked and tried to figure out how to become a comedian all the way back to ninety two right up to everybody who came

out to Carnegie Hall last Friday night it was without a doubt the greatest thing experience I've ever had as a since I've been in this business there's no other way it's it was absolutely indescribable it was it was I can't even fucking explain it I like I told you guys a couple weeks ago I stopped looking at the names of the people who performed there because it was freaking me out so this is a funny thing I get Verzi Verzi I got Verzi to open for me and I had the sensation in the middle the teen idol sensation Joe de Rosa from the open Anthony program just back from an extended tour in Malibu he was resting up he was suffering from exhaustion so anyway so I go in and you know they got all these rules there because

this is like Carnegie Hall that all these rules I had a photographer there but the photographer couldn't go on the stage and there was just all these these fucking rules so I went in there like almost on my heels like I don't want to piss anybody off in here and I walked in there and they said okay you're up in the maestro suite like if you headline that place they put you in the place called the maestro suite so I go all the way up there I'm with family and friends I go up there and I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble like I'm describing like the fucking seventh floor the Pentagon here so I walk in there and this is piano it's piano in this giant like this big room and then there's another room with the classic

I'm in showbiz lights going all around the mirror and then they have all these composers headshots all around the the maestro suite and they're all autographed and immediately I felt like I didn't deserve to be there because not only were they these famous conductors I didn't know who any of them were I was sitting there looking at them like oh yeah rubbing my chin Leonard Bernstein was the only one I noticed the only one that I recognized and I just you know just tried to fucking take it in and then they said hey you want to go downstairs and look at the stage and I said absolutely and I walked down took us down the elevator and they opened the door to go out to the stage and all you see is the most well-lit stage you've

ever seen. I'm just looking through a door the average size door that you open and I'm about 20 feet away when they opened it so I could see part of the stage and like a sliver of the front row seats and then like all like three balconies going up and it was I'm not even a lie it was fucking took my breath away and I literally said holy shit and I immediately apologize for cursing because that's how nice this place like I wasn't going to go out there and say fuck every other word when I do my horseshit of an act and and I walked out there and I it's indescribable absolutely fucking indescribable and I just I can't even I don't even want to bring it up I can't even describe it it was just it was

fucking I never seen anything like it it was like I was in pulp fiction I got to see what was in that briefcase it was like it was like at that level I can't even put words into it so so then I go back up to the the the maestro's suite I just like saying that so I'm sitting up there and I'm like hey is versi and derosa here yet they're like yeah they're downstairs I go well get them up here get them up here because I'm not fucking gonna be sitting up here looking at these old fucking silver haired guys with composers just look angry in their pictures they just got that fucking look on their face like I don't know what happened like they didn't really want to be a composer but their parents made them do it it was just creeping me out and they got all these fucking

pictures have you got every anybody post Abraham Lincoln has basically been there I saw a picture of Mark Twain sitting down on the stage listening to somebody else speak Teddy Roosevelt Benny Goodman Duke Ellington Miles Davis all the way through all those jazz guys to the fucking Beatles Stevie Ray Vaughn made an album that was overwhelming so I get I go I don't even feel like I'm worried to be here what is going to cure this I know get Paul Verzi and Joe Derosa in the same room with me and I'll get my confidence back so these two jackasses come up there all right Derosa is sweating and muttering to himself Verzi is fucking pacing all right I'm pacing all three of us are pacing around this room as we're talking isn't it amazing to be here we're all fucking pacing

and then we just started breaking each other's balls about how nervous we were and then we just started trying to make each other even more nervous like I know to say we're nervous and I came I came walking and I was like you know guys if you're ever gonna fucking bomb tonight better not be the night because you're not getting this one back this is not the fucking night to bomb and everybody laughed and then there was that nervous thing Verzi's going like hey you know you know I go out there you know what I'm gonna do I'm just gonna you know I'm just gonna treat like Caroline's gonna say what's up to people you know I'm gonna settle in first I'm gonna settle in first then I'm gonna go into my act yeah that's what I'm gonna do so just to be a douche

I go really that's what you're gonna do you know I I mean this is what you want to do that's cool I mean I wouldn't do that he's like what are you talking about I got dude I would go right to my act just kind of get home and you don't go out there hey what's going on you're gonna start fucking bombing but you know but I want to get in your head dude if that's what you want to do and he's sitting there trying to size me up for half a second you know he's just like you know he's like ah go fuck yourself we basically did that for a goddamn 45 minutes waiting to go on um I was as nervous as I was the first time I I did Letterman um which was one of the most butterflies I ever had that that nervous yet excited wanting to run out of the room yet can't

waiting to go on like that whole fucking push-pull shit going on you know so anyways the show starts Verzi goes out there and absolutely fucking kills and then he bring in and it's fucking hilarious he comes walking out dude with this this fucking look on his face you know like the only thing stopped his fucking lips from going around the back of his head was his goddamn ears like just like glowing like you like I can't explain it we all look like assholes DeRosa came off DeRosa goes on he goes out there and immediately starts fucking oh you know what really made me relax Verzi went up and he goes uh he said something hey he goes hey give yourselves a round of applause huh bill bird tonight huh at Carnegie fucking hall the second he did that I

laughed and I was like all right fuck it now it's just a stand-up show but um DeRosa goes out there next and uh with this stupid sport coat on and everything you know which was making him sweat even more and he went out there and fucking absolutely destroyed he comes back same stupid fucking look on his face um that actually reminded one time I read about these divers who used to go into caves under the sea and they get lost and they would drown under there and when they would find them they'd have this ear to ear grin I guess when you drown at the last second this unbelievable level of dopamine or some shit goes through you and you get this stupid look on your face I don't know if that's true I don't even know where the fuck I read it I think I read it on

flight on us so that was basically you know when the article made me laugh as horrific as it was imagining somebody drowning in an underwater cave freaking out not knowing where they're at um but just that dumb smile in their face it sort of was like the look people had on their face was was the reverse of that movie the ring rather than your jaw dropping over and it was horrific just imagine the other polar opposite of smiling that was basically so DeRosa comes walking through and he's got this fucking silly stupid look on his face and Verzi said he's just gonna bring me right up um so I'm standing there waiting to go on and uh standing a few feet behind me was uh Louis Ferranda from Carolines and those guys

were the ones who headlined me when I first came you know when I first started doing well in New York they would headline me and they had to pull the curtain you know to make not make the room look so big and only you know 14 people would show up and then they drag like another 20 people tourists off the street to come in and watch my show so he was standing there going like oh I was going Louis go out in the crowd he goes no no I want to stand here and watch you go out I want to watch you go right which was fucking awesome you know Caroline's one of the biggest clubs ever so they fucking open the door call my name and I walk out and I'm not trying to be arrogant here they were just great fans everybody fucking stood up as I walked out like I composed

some unbelievable song and uh it was fucking uh how I didn't just I know I had that big dumb grin on my face but how I didn't just you know as I was waving how I didn't just keep just get locked in that mode and just walked right off the end of the fucking stage is beyond me um and I went in and I uh I can't even remember where I started with I don't remember where I started with and I just did my shit and it slowly became like a show just a regular show where every once in a while I would just sort of go and fuck I'm at Carnegie Hall and then I'd be like no no no keep going keep going just keep going because that was the thing everybody kept going you know make sure you take it in make sure you take it in you know and that's the fucked up thing about

the art of stand-up this is like the one art where you really can't take it in you can't because you got to be focused on what you're doing you know what I mean like as a musician you can end the fucking song you can step back you can tell the story you can look around and then you can go into your next song but that's just bam bam bam next joke next joke next joke so um I I don't know I did my shit and it and it it just took off at like minute three and it didn't stop for like and I think I did about an hour and 15 minutes and I never lost them it never felt long and I ended and it was a standing ovation again and it just uh was one of the few times of my life I just felt like this unbelievable sense of uh accomplishment and it was um

um I don't it was also absolutely hilarious to me like it I didn't feel like I should I felt like at any second someone was gonna yank me like it was a joke like I won a radio contest to go out there and then they were gonna yank me off and bring like fucking some Pavarotti dude out there so um that was awesome and then in the end I brought Verzi and Derosa back out and everyone's standing up clapping and we just sitting there fucking it was just it was it was it was I can't even describe it it was awesome and it was it was fucking hilarious like where do you go from here it was ridiculous and um I had this great photographer there and he actually took photos of me and Joe as we were walking down the street afterwards and I saw some of them it's it's

fucking hilarious the the absolute look of joy on our fate two miserable comedians like I swear to god we look like we are high on like I don't know what I'm not a big fucking drug guy whatever high on something but it was absolutely fucking unbelievable and um I'll never forget it I will never forget it so I want to thank everybody who came out to the show and experienced it with me and fucking stood up and clapped which was fucking unbelievable I will never forget that ever I'll be fucking a hundred years old and I will still remember that like it like it was yesterday it was absolutely unbelievable it's still one of the few things in my life that is not only lived up to the hype it was it was like way beyond it like it just fucking indescribable indescribable you know

I don't know what I have no fucking I don't I don't know where to go from here so there's the Carnegie Hall story all right so once again thank you to everybody who came out to that show oh and if you're wondering did I record that yes I did of course I did what do you think I'm an asshole I'm going to go there I'm not going to record it I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet because I didn't film it because it was it was just it's Carnegie Hall and it would have cost me my life my first born to uh film something there so um but to record it the audio version was only half as much I'm not even bullshitting you I think I lost money that night but I don't give a fuck I want it I want it documented that this jackass who flunked everything in high school somehow got

to fucking do that so so this is the thing the um my next stand-up special I'm going to be recording in in February the end of February oh the first weekend of March is what I'm going to be doing all right so here's the deal my act is constantly evolving so my act will be one two three four months really December yeah four months older than it is now so it will change 120 days worth so it won't be the exact the Carnegie thing and my special will not be the exact same but so much of it will be the same that um I I'm going to figure out you know obviously I'm putting the DVD out I have to figure out how I'm going to put out the Carnegie thing and when how I'm going to do it so it's a way where I don't feel like I'm fucking you guys over where I'm putting out two pieces of

product with essentially the same um material I actually already know how I'm going to do it but I'm not going to tell you guys until I fucking do it but it's going to be cool as hell all right so there you go so let's get back to the podcast after that very special moment come on Carnegie Hall I had to take a step back and I gotta tell you it was fucking awesome to uh to share that with Verzi and and DeRosa and seeing those fucking stupid goofy looks on their face watching them pace and be nervous and watching them fucking go out there and they had all their family and friends and that it was fucking it was awesome it was awesome all right let's get back to the goddamn podcast so as I mentioned I have a brand new website everybody for some reason I can't get on it

right now I don't know if they're putting the final touches on it I don't know if it's because it moved somewhere else I don't know if it's because I don't know what you know me I'm not good with the technology but here's the deal uh it's a fucking awesome site it's going to be very interactive I'm going to get the new fucking iPhone when I don't have to stand in line or fucking order it I just want to walk in and buy it like a goddamn gentleman all right what is this Russia go fuck yourself I walk in it's supposed to be there call me why don't you call me when it's there all right the battery's crapped out on me sorry about that what was I talking about yeah this isn't fucking Russia all right this isn't some country that I've heard you have to stand in line

in you know I just want to walk in and get it I'm sorry we don't have them if you like to order me we can place in order oh fucking order it yourself I don't give a shit I actually like getting it later because enough there's a problem my other people figure it out with their wallets you know all these people I like when people get like new technology like that and you can tell that they're just using it in front of you just to try and show off like you actually give a shit um so anyways my new website you know if you you know send me twitters or facebook all that shit's gonna be right there on the page just go to billbird.com I'm sure it's up by the time you listen to this it's up there I got some fancy new photos up there I got a new bio I'm gonna start

blogging again um my all my podcasts are gonna be there be there so you can listen to it it's gonna be great and this is the new me I'm finally gonna embrace this fucking technology shit um but I'm doing it my way all right uh speaking of that I am in micros uh what am I Mac I'm in the I have a Word document right now and I don't know what the fuck I did but I hit something and they got these little blue things after every line that I write you know like I got all this shit that I want to talk about like Carnegie I just make like a set list just shit Carnegie what do I got else up here rope climbing these fucking blue things oh here we go yeah these fucking blue things I don't know what it is I write a sentence and at the end of the

sentence there's these little blue things marking something I want them gone I don't know how to get rid of them how do I get rid of them come on you techie son of a bitches help me out here um what else did I oh nini leaks you guys watch the real housewives of Atlanta baby oh shit it's real housewives of Atlanta baby um my girl watches that show and there's a girl on there this girl nini leaks she's fucking hilarious it could probably beat the shit out of me and two of my friends at the same time um she said some shit that just fucking made me laugh my ass off this week she went down there right because I guess now she's a reality star and judging by the way she's talking about her finances this girl would like up before this show if you gave her a George

Foreman grill for her birthday she would probably faint because she went in and bought her her son a car a used car spent $13,000 on it wrote a check and then she started bragging about it on tv talking about how she was rich she goes just bought my just bought my baby a $13,000 car she goes cash money and then she goes hey haters and she starts blowing kisses at him talking about how she's rich it was fucking hilarious you know I don't know a lot about rich people but I know there's two things they don't do number one they don't use the expression cash money and number two even if they did they don't they don't fucking buy $13,000 used cars all right cash money is one of the fucking is one of those things that lets people know that you have been rich for 10 minutes

what they call they call that new money not saying that I'm fucking up across they'd see it through me just by the way I talk the way I say I'm going doing I don't pronounce my g's I don't know I you know I never took a fencing class right when I go to bang one of their rich daughters and go to dance with her I don't have a handkerchief but to put between my hand and her hand I don't know how to do that so I they would see through me but uh cash money that just means you what you were fucking broke oh my god what's the you know what you know what's the dumbest thing you could do with your cash money is to go out and buy a $13,000 used car with this cash money drove it off the lot now it's worth 9,000 cash money I just lost 3,000 cash money

hey haters hey um you know it's one of my favorite dumb jokes of the year that I heard have you guys heard that one yet what is a gay horsey hey it always makes me laugh I don't know why it just fucking makes me laugh um anyways let's get to the uh the question but you got to watch that girl needy leaks because there's nothing funnier than watching a girl get punched in the head by another girl because it's it's brutal when a guy does it when a girl does it all of a sudden it's a fair fight and you get to kind of see what in the back of your psycho head you really want to see you know it's needy leaks is doing what is a man you would love to do to some loud mouth fucking whore who won't shut her goddamn

yap you know but you just got to sit there and take it because she's got a vajay right needy leaks is a superhero for me I put on I will watch that show I will sit through the dumb fight and I just hope with every episode that's what I have Nia do I just have her you know I kind of listen and I don't walk in on and out of the room and I just wait for her to slap the shit out of somebody is my fate um she grabs their hair and they they don't know how to fight it's just the funniest fucking thing she knows how to fight though like I said she could kick my ass in her big fucking ghetto heels and there isn't a goddamn she would talk to me as she did it like Ali and it wouldn't be a fucking thing I could do about it um but that shit was hilarious just bought a car

cash money fucking used car hey hey there's nobody's hate nobody's hate all right did I just say nobody's hate and I feel like a douche um all right let's get to the fucking advice and all that bullshit this week what do we got here what do we got what am I am 50 minutes into this thing all right only I would follow up a a a heartfelt story about playing Carnegie Hall we're talking about some reality show star I'm slapping the shit out of some women's all right let's let's do some dilemmas for the week all right all right these are these are actually getting more and more evolved a lot of them were sexual or just disgusting very sophomoric so please try to expand these things because like I said all of yours initially were all incestuous

and I wasn't gonna do those and then it just became gross out stuff and sex shit which is still good at this point I have no problem but like I want some a couple ones like this one this is a great one here's a dilemma would you rather give up football or socks uh dude that is that is the hardest dilemma that I've been presented with I hate wearing shoes or sneakers without socks I hate when your feet get hot and they start sticking to the goddamn soul and every time you take a step party your foot comes up and then it just slaps back down again you fuck goddamn shoes start stinking so that's basically would you rather give up quality of life or the sport you love and that would mean I couldn't go to football games in November or

December I'm not wearing any socks I think I might have to flip a coin on this one I think I'd have to I'd have to give up would I give up football because I could watch all the other sports oh but that's the fucking manliest of them all other than hockey oh you fucking cunt you know what do I got a coin I'm gonna go to the fucking coin right now I'm gonna flip the coin how about I flip my cell phone it gives a shit I'm getting rid of this in two weeks all right screen side up I give up socks back side up I give up football and there we go screen side up I give up socks oh god that would suck could I at least wear leg warmers oh Jesus that's fucking brutal a no sock wearing football watching jackass that's what I

would be and I'd have stinky shoes and that would affect the level of pussy I got or at the very least if I'm in a fucking relationship it would really make her consider cheating on me or just breaking up with me okay how much money you make if you have stinky shoes that's you know a woman's only gonna put up with that for so long ugh be that guy in a flight who couldn't take off his fucking shoes all right you son of a bitch that was a good one all right would you rather be caught cheating or catch your significant other cheating uh I'd rather be oh depends on what kind of relationship I'm in if I want to get out of it I'd rather catch them cheating if I love the person oh god would you rather break her heart or have your heart broken

you motherfuckers are good this week um I gotta go selfish I'm going selfish fuck that I would never be able to get over it a woman can get over it a guy can't not say it all women we can't get over that I can't get over the fact that somebody entered your fucking body what did I do I just stuck my dick in somebody did not how do you didn't mean anything it just I I don't know why I sound like fucking real oh I don't know I don't know why come on I'll clip the grass uh do you want it I fuck her um I apologize for that hacky impression um um yeah I'd much rather be caught cheating I think it's more socially acceptable than I've cheated I think that it's more socially acceptable that the woman forgives you I just don't think

I just don't think it's it's hey Nia what's going on come on in lay down here next to the wall here's one for you you came in right there in a nice dilemma I don't have another microphone for you here um oh geez so here's one here's a dilemma for you would you rather be caught cheating or catch your significant other cheating oh I see that's a good one I said I went selfish I'd rather be caught cheating because I could never handle the fact that someone else you know stuck that dingaling in you I would rather catch you cheating you'd rather catch me cheating oh you're an angel why because you don't want the guilt because you know what that I'd fucking dump your ass what why when I just ask why why would I rather yeah I would rather be in that situation than be

caught cheating because you're an angel you'd rather you don't want to be a piece of shit exactly okay you're you're just a better human being than I am I thought you were like I thought you were giving me the green light I thought I saw you waving me around third base all right would you like the green light you know what I every couple of years but you know what you could be in the other room and if it sounded like we were going too far you'd be like hey hey hey hey not none of that none of that okay good to know all right here we go uh all right here was I just saw a good one all right here's one for you would you rather be fluent in all languages or master every musical instrument would you rather be able to talk to the world

yeah I think fluent fluent in all languages yeah yeah yeah definitely definitely all right I'm going selfish again yeah I know you'd want I'd rather I'd be a master of every musical instrument and then I would I would communicate through my instruments and I would get Bangladesh pussy if you can play the guitar fuck that you you can yeah you can get you can get laid all all over the world if you can play a guitar and then if even if you're singing and then if you're singing a language you're singing in a different language like right now as much as you love me if some french guy was out there with a guitar and he was going for a jaca for a jaca dorm able you would be fucking looking out the window I would hi shark and then I'd be like bonjour yes you would

and we just exposed ourselves for being surrounded by water over here in the americas we don't know anything unless you sang it we don't know it um all right let's do one more dilemma all right bill if your pasty ass ever got sent to prison would you wait to get shanked or just hang yourself in yourself you know what I love I love that they didn't even entertain the fact that I could somehow survive in there I think you could actually survive in there I do I think you have enough anger so that if someone were to fuck with you you would like you know really mess them up in front of everybody thus gaining the respect um I think you'd obviously make everyone laugh I would be afraid of the the Aryan nation wanting to recruit you all right hang on a second first of all you

obviously haven't watched any of those national geographics behind prison walls no but I did I'll tell you this if if I went if I went to white collar prison where you get to play ping pong with Bernie Madoff I think I could actually survive in that one but I'll tell you no I actually every guy that's the biggest one is the biggest fucking fear going to jail and becoming somebody's bitch all right that like if they have it if they oh look at you look at you you think you got me fucking wrapped around your finger um oh see that see what they do when you finally tell them that you love them then they throw it your fucking face what do you mean finally tell me what is what is wrong with you you were so cute five seconds ago now I just I want to mush your face

into the rug um anyways oh yeah if I was in a white collar prison I could survive that but okay so the biggest fear every guy like if they ever did the family feud what is the biggest fear a guy has and they and the guy goes getting raped and being somebody's prison bitch getting raped means some prison bitch dang it'd be number one answer do you want to play you want to pass let's play motherfucker and then we uh coming home and seeing my uh wife sucking my best friend's dick okay good answer good answer coming home seeing your wife sucking your best friend's dick number two and then you always have the one weirdo in your family what else do men okay what is the number one

fear the man can have in life okay um I'm gonna say god you guys use all the good ones um having somebody borrow a tool and not put it back where it blocks and then we'd have to sit there be like you know that dumb shit hey good answer good answer hi good job all right what is a man's what are men's fear not being able to get it up not being able to get it up okay getting raped in prison being that person having a prison rape yeah having to tie off your shirt at the waist and be like hi the brood is being that guy um not being able to get it up uh not being able to provide for your family right

um what else well let's just do me uh women women not fucking uh yeah you're marriage failing then there's overlap ones that you guys fear I don't know let's not turn this into some psychology thing I don't need to do this I'm trying to be funny here all right I don't know let's let's get back to this thing you know what's something there's a question for you guys this week give me give me your uh let's do the family fucking feud top 10 uh your top 10 fears I want to hear them and then maybe we'll do like a little survey and then I'll get sued by that show and then they'll realize I'm not making any money on the podcast all right Bill if you pasties

ever got sent to prison would you wait to get shanked or just hang yourself in your cell um I couldn't hang my I couldn't kill myself um I don't know what I would do I would probably I don't know what I would do I would I would you know something I would join the Aryan nation that's what I would do I'd have to I'd have to fucking I gotta do something I would call I would take I'd take I'd take a fucking in the cafeteria I'd take one of the plastic forks and I'd cover swastika right between my eyes just like like Charles mansion shave my head uh I don't know and I would I would fucking I would just walk up Sieg Highland to all those fucking dudes and just try to be like yeah these fucking Jews there has to be some other gang yeah look at those look at those

god damn Puerto Ricans over there other Mexicans whatever I don't care I would I would go I would say over the top racist shit and that that's what I would do and then you can beat up by everybody else yeah but I'm already gonna get the shit kicked out of me come on needy come on I'm in good shape I'm exotic with my red hair I'd be a little blue eyed bitch in there I'd have to do I I have no I have no about as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich hey out here that's fucking hilarious out here I am but in prison in prison prison I immediately become like some Brazilian bitch just walking down like you don't think there's other blue-eyed white

guys in prison possibly with red hair red-haired guys I have watched those those sit over here near the mic I have watched those things repeatedly those prison things I have never seen anybody who looks like me occasionally I saw one red-headed dude he was a little fucking uh you know 12-year-old kid and he killed another like fucking four-year-old there was almost too young to kill things I watched and he had really weird ears he did it no no he looked like that somebody boxed his ear like like he had cauliflower ear he looked like the hulk boxed his ears but they didn't become cauliflower they just got dented on he had dented ears so um long story short he was a little redhead and uh so he went in there he fucking killed this kid and it was so horrific they sent him to a

real person prison and and and he's no not big boy yeah big boy not not not the daycare and he fucking uh he shaved his head yeah he she got to you can't walk around looking it's outie duty time who's gonna fuck me in the ass is it your turn I his there's nothing I can do I'm gonna be a racist you know they just get I would just have to do I gotta fall in with somebody you know I can't pull off the um down homeboy shit you know I always wonder how I would do in a woman's prison I don't think I do very well I don't think they appreciate you know snappy clever nerd like behavior no you wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't last a day you would you would be staring at a twat in about fucking eight minutes yeah some real manly looking chick who's running

shit and then her and then her her bottom bitch would get jealous so after you're done doing that scratch my face scratch your fucking face oh my pretty girl yeah but you're you're a fucking psycho though you're a fucking psycho you throw a good punch you just have to commit to it your problem is just like my me you've never crossed that fucking line you you just you just never did you know you just never did so you're so not fucking prepared and not to mention I had I had somebody one time we were watching the UFC I've told this before in the podcast we were watching the UFC and this is just one of those guys st pierre one of these guys just just physical specimen standing up throwing hands kicking on the ground choking out just no matter where you went as long

as you never fucking weapon this guy would fuck you up knees elbows right god damn anything you could throw it you'd fuck you up and I was joking go look at these these guys unrapeable fucking that like they got to that level unrapeable yeah that's the highest level belt you can get in martial arts is fucking unrapeable and I was talking to this dude he was like nah they'd still get a guy like that I go how he goes you know they gang up on you they put shit in your food they drug your food if they really want to get you they they'll drug and I drug your food and I can't even tell you how deflated of a feeling I felt when they told me that even the champions of the UFC if they wanted to they could get to them that's how fucking hardcore prison is so

um what would I I don't know what I would do no no no you know what we'd have to do we have to do something so crazy and like violent that they put us in solitary yeah but you know what I would do I would attack a guard because I would attack a guard there you go because they're not gonna uh they're not gonna rape me they're just gonna beat me up I'll take the beat down but then even then if I attack the guard for half a second they'd be like oh look at this crazy son of a bitch but then when I started making those little girl noises when I took my first Rodney King beating oh my god I would be stop it all right all right when I was doing that I'd get at my ass kicked and then I'd get raped when I came out yeah no one is unrapeable no one is unrapeable

you know something I think we might end the podcast on that I think I think we learned something today in this crazy world we live in people you have to tell people you love them you have to enjoy every day because nobody is unrapeable it's one of the harshest truths that's that's what ends your childhood the day you realize that this is really that you know something that's so fucking true it's not even funny uh let's we gotta end something happier than that I actually I told this really nice story about doing Carnegie Hall and how awesome was it it was amazing you got a standing ovation when you came out as well as when I told him it was fucking unbelievable greatest greatest uh I don't know I can't even talk about all right overrated

bad I can't talk all right overrated relationships I really want to read this one with you is here can you come near the microphone to be a friggin professional when this unprofessional show why are you wearing moccasins they're my slippers they're moccasins yeah moccasins slippers hey uh hey uh hey uh you got a little indian blood in your dough yeah I do I do yes you do I have like one 16 what do you got black feet in you you get it nothing I get nothing on that that was stupid you know what what ah go fuck yourself here we go relationships so uh sure they can be good but are they ever great every married guy I know reminisces about his days as a single man married guys warn single guys not

to get into relationships they warn guys with girlfriends to never under any circumstances get married this is all true when you're single you can do whatever the fuck you want whatever you want without first wait a minute let me get this closer without first filtering your decisions through the desires of a chick who probably doesn't even know what she wants most of the time and is motivated by the worldview of sex in the city wow this person sounds like a real prize yeah but this is true though this isn't all women a lot of women are fucking idiots just like guys wouldn't you say most guys are fucking idiots I would actually and aren't most women aren't most people fucking idiots listen we're all rapable but when we talk all I know is that no one is unrapeable

all right let's continue okay and I am as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich I think that might be an instant classic um there wasn't even tomato in that sandwich was there even when the chicks get uh what they think they want they usually still miserable that's how stupid most of them are all right now yeah now he's thinks he's this he's in my school he's in my quad I like this guy uh you're never gonna make them happy so I even try not being constrained by a relationship is one of the greatest things of all time it's a man's world uh women need more women need men more than men need women most men can thrive alone most women can't he's young he can tell he's young he hasn't he hasn't like women are still

looking at him he's a fucking idiot is what he is now he is and he's learning I was this guy then you realize at some point you're old and women don't care anymore so you gotta grab one and just hang on to him drag him down with you um most women can't uh ask any honest bisexual girl and she'll like you tell you that she wants to end up with a man Jesus this guy just keeps every time I think he's gone as far as he's gonna go he keeps going I love him uh enjoy being single unless you're a total fucking failure of a man you almost always be able to get a girlfriend if you really want one realize yeah if you're past a certain age dude you there's a certain amount of money you have to be making um for that to continue to happen and this is there's a

fucking sadness to that life that I can't even begin to describe uh realize what a blessing your freedom is and never allow desperation to put you in chains he's making some good points here he he definitely has some issues with women some issues but um he's but he's there's a lot of truth in that Nia there are enjoy dying alone asshole hey hey hey well listen what this is well basically what you just said was that you're a dumb girl why because that's what he was attacking what do you mean is is is your world is your world oh we were almost out without an argument why but why am I dumb because he's attacking women whose worldview comes from sex in the city okay so somehow you got offended by that first of all he's not just attacking women whose worldview

is sex in the city he's oh I think he is he's attacking all women look at what he said oh I know he was just being some women he was just being silly just being silly no no you're right you're right fuck that shit fuck it look you know fuck you no his mother never hugged him he's got issues he's just well that's not our fault what do you mean don't don't drag me into this I relate to this guy I'm saying are as women I'm speaking as women well why don't you just speak for yourself you fucking delusional jackass who elected you you did I'm sitting here aren't I you know I didn't say to represent all women's I'm not representing all women's but I think I can say with with with underwears clarity that most smart women who see this would be like oh fuck yourself you douche

all right well I'll can I just make a comment about the whole married versus unmarried thing the grass is always greener on the other side single people who are alone look at couples and I they get a little twinge of like oh that's nice I wish I had somebody to come home to at night that has my back no matter what that's what you're missing you short-sighted moron is that you've got somebody who's there with you who's gonna take care of you who's gonna love you and and protect you and have your back it's not just about like being with someone just to be with someone ah we got it listen how you why can't I respond to this person in the way that I want to you because you're you're being mean this podcast this podcast email is ridiculous this guy's crying

out for help whatever fine go on this podcast is not about being mean and taking shots of people who can't defend themselves I thought that's exactly what it was took you long enough to figure that out all right no but this there's a great truth in what he's saying here is that a lot of people just jump in a relationship jump in a relationship jump in a relationship and it's like relationships are fucking difficult yes okay so you better pick the right person or you're gonna be fucking miserable so you are better off to be single and lonely rather than just being in some shit to just being some shit so you got somebody to fucking make brownies with that's what he was trying to say all right but he didn't say that he ended up saying that most chicks are going to be miserable

anyway and they all have this stupid worldview that's true most women are going to be miserable and they're never going to be fucking happy okay what are you basing this on you know something you guys always say a good man is hard to find that works both fucking ways I understand well then that's this is what well this motherfucker hasn't found the one yet so he's going he's going he's dating a bunch of blashing out at everybody because he can't seem to figure out how to make a relationship work and he can't find the value in the relationship all so automatically it's not valuable first of all the other person lashing out as you right now you've completely lost your temper there's a guy here he writes in he's looking for a little bit of goddamn guidance

he wants some advice he got it he's fucking hilarious um all right let's wrap this up here all right oh by the way youtube video the week I actually forgot to send this to my guy uh speaking of a man's world I just remembered that if you want to see one of the greatest fucking oh yeah go go see would you please talk into the mic uh oh yeah um oh yeah that's on by yellow oh jeez I wanted to do that I wanted to do the yeah I want I wanted to do the yellow cover instead of going oh yeah I was gonna go oh jeez well we'd have to pay for the rights of it oh um can't some some some crazy online hacker figure out yes somebody somebody somebody do that all right I'm gonna give you a clean version of oh Jesus that you could then fuck with in your own

audio way all right oh Jesus do you need a longer one for that one part where he goes oh I'll give you a longer one oh jeez this podcast is going off the rails all right underrated and yeah one take um underrated showing off what's the under this guy's the same guy underrated showing off what's the best that can happen you blow people's fucking minds look like a god among more mortals and alph and an alpha fucking male what's the big fear totally fucking up why that can still be awesome still be awesome look at evil can evil one of the greatest showoffs of all time he fucked up big several times if you total if you totally fuck up while trying to show off at least you give people a hilarious story of how you failed while trying to be a badass uh the worst thing that

that you can do is only succeed a little bit if you're going to show off either nail it or fuck it up completely there can be no middle ground you either need to blow people's fucking minds or you need to get them a hilarious failure anecdote either way act like a man if you nail it look smug and cocky as fuck like the superior human that you are if you fail big laugh your ass off and still act cocky at least you tried most of them are too cowardly to even try it i agree with that yeah see this guy i'm telling you right now this guy could chat you up in a bar in a fucking second nope same guy no no it's because you know all that other stuff no yeah he could yeah he could yeah he could not bullshit now i'm saying that you want

i'm not even gonna get into it all right overrated andrew luck that's right give up no because i would fucking it i just it's not worth it everyone you know it's not worth it it's fourth and two i know i could get it i'm up by 37 i don't give a fuck um oh the youtube video of the week this is the last thing i'm gonna end right with right now uh youtube video of the week uh james brown singing it's a man's world with paverati one of the most gangster things you're ever gonna fucking watch and i never used the word gangster but it's totally totally necessary and it it it it marries with paverati it was it was fucking on it it basically marries all the all the cool fucking black street shit with all the italian mob movies just it's the greatest

mashup ever and it's not a mashup these guys are old school rather than having some guy do it on a fucking laptop they went out and did the shit themselves and you see you see james brown at one point after he sings all that shit about it being being a man's world and then paverati starts singing that opera over the top of it at one point even james brown just shakes his head like this is the shit this is the shit and you get james brown to do that forget it it's the greatest thing ever so check that out um that's it for this week that's the podcast once again from the bottom of my heart thank you to anybody who ever came out to my shows the entire time my phone's ringing the entire time that i've ever done stand up um that helped lead up to that night at carnagine and thank

you to everybody who came out to the show and uh everybody who works with me it fucking fights it out with the promoters and all that type of shit thank you so much from the bottom of my heart i will never forget it best fucking week ever that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you next week and Disappear, Disappear, Disappear Say if I could Look into myself for reasons

But I could never see that Makes sense on the deep Turn around, I'm looking at all the issues When we realize all that I've found Maybe we could put the light inside this man You're so fine, lose my mind And the world seems to disappear All the problems, all the fears

And the world seems to disappear You're so fine, lose my mind And the world seems to disappear All the problems, all the fears And the world seems to disappear You're so fine, lose my mind And the world seems to disappear All the problems, all the fears

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