Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-24

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Bill rambles about leftover mushrooms, Moto GP, and keeping it light. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (45:24) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 11-14-16 Bill rambles about celebrity pundits, crying adults, and orange toupees. (02:03:36) - Anything Better Preview & Picks - Week 11 Mando:  As a special offer for listeners, new customers get $5 off a Starter Pack with our exclusive code BURR at www.ShopMando.com  Open Phone:  Right now, OpenPhone is offering 20% off of your first 6 months when you go to www.OpenPhone.com/BURR Henson Shaving:  Visit www.HensonShaving.com/BURR to pick the razor for you and use code BURR and you’ll get two years' worth of blades free with your razor–just make sure to add them to your cart.

And we're brought to you by Airbnb. So yeah, whenever I travel, I really try to always stay in an Airbnb. I have a trip coming up where I'm going on tour and I have like five down days in the Pacific Northwest. And I'm with a couple buddies of mine. And since we had like three or four down days, we're like, why don't we just get a place in kind of the middle of Oregon, just peaceful sort of retreat kind of deal, be around nature, just able to hang out. And that's what we did. And we found some great options there. The plan is to just do some grilling, some hanging, but truly just, you know, great views and everything. And we were able to get a real sense of what the place was going to

look like. So yeah, I'm excited to do that, just to kind of be out in the middle of nowhere with some buddies and some nature and a nice place, you know, that has all the amenities I want. But while I'm gone, you know, I was also like, well, I have my place just there. And it's always nice to have someone stay at your place. And I'm like, well, my place could probably be in Airbnb. You know, it's a nice, comfortable place.

I feel like anyone staying here will enjoy it. And you know, obviously that way I kind of earn some extra cash that I can use for my trip from someone staying here. You know, I've stayed in a lot of Airbnbs in the past and I travel often and my place sits empty so putting it to use by hosting on Airbnb feels like the smart thing to do. So let your place earn a little extra cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Monday morning podcast. What's going on? How are you? I'm recording this late at night the kiddos are in bed and yeah that's what the fuck I'm doing here I'm getting ready to go to Oh hi oh hi everybody makes that joke they even sell the t-shirt and what's funny is when you go to Ohai before you get there, you think that you came up with that clever joke.

Until you go to a gift shop and you're like, oh. Oh. That's a sad moment as a comedian. When you realize you have parallel thought with a gift shop. No offense to people who put jokes on t-shirts, but they're they're pretty you know They've never been like high quality That's so funny, you know Because you think that like the shittier jokes would be in the comedy club because you just say them and then they suck and then

It's done But like you put a joke on a t-shirt it's it's fucking there for the the entire duration of that t-shirt and people have to keep looking at like if you wear it to work and the joke is a t-shirt joke it sucks you would think that they would actually make a decent one right. They used to be really bad they're not as bad as they used to be they used to be fucking really really fucking bad like when I was growing up they had like you know official bikini inspector and it always be some like fucking guy in his 40s some fat fuck walking around basically saying that he was a creep it

was funny man back then women could fucking handle guys like that they just I don't know what they just fucking knew like knew how to do like mental jujitsu just fucking I don't know no they used to do it. Can you just, maybe they just put up with more. I have no idea. I remember the first like, like funny t-shirt that I saw that actually made me laugh. Somebody came to work and he had this t-shirt that said mental floss.

And it was a stick figure and the floss was going through his ears and passing through his head And I thought that that was hilarious when I was in like 1988 and then I don't think I laughed at another t-shirt until I saw This little gay guy at the fucking movie theater He had a t-shirt that said you're retarded and it was it was spelt while you are like possessive you're retarded and Me and nea were cracking up when we saw it because that was right like this was a long time ago

Like 17 years ago or something. It was right when we first moved out to LA and it was like And that was a frequently made mistake. The difference between your, like your car and your, you are, you're going there while you are apostrophe. No, while you apostrophe already, like I'm explaining this to you and then fucking it up. Like you don't understand it. So one of the things that would happen all the time is people would be right, you know, you're a dick and they would spell it Y-O-U-R and occasionally you would see you're

retarded, Y-O-U-R retarded. And anyways, this guy had it on a t-shirt and it really made me laugh because it was funny. Every time I saw it, it was annoying on MySpace, but when it was on the T-shirt, all of a sudden it was funny because, I don't know, it was just one of those things where it's, all right, I'm not the only one seeing this and everybody's realizing how fucking stupid this is.

There's a lot of fucking stupid people out there. And I don't even mean just like uninformed, just fucking stupid. Anyway, I'm trying to not watch TV and stay off the phone because everybody's fucking freaking out about whatever is about to happen with the guy from The Apprentice. Just nothing fucking makes sense. You know what I mean?

People on the right, they don't like people that are on welfare. But for some reason, they love the Tesla guy, who is arguably the, the, I don't know, I don't think the biggest offender of somebody on welfare I've ever seen. That Tesla company has never made money and he's gotten like seven, eight billion dollars from the government, which is our fucking money. His company has never made fucking money and he's on his way to being the first trillionaire. Like how is your company not making money and taking all of this money from the government and meanwhile you're gonna be a fucking trillionaire That right there is fucking classic CEO math

Like that fucking cunt at Starbucks Guy signs on to be the CEO and immediately gives himself a hundred and twenty million dollar fucking signing bonus for what? To fucking run a coffee company That probably could have bought at least dental insurance for every employee in like an entire state And instead this cunt keeps it for himself You know Buddy's white so nobody notices evidently. I don't understand. I don't get how it goes But he's white so nobody notices evidently. I don't understand. I don't get how it goes

Anyway plowing ahead here Moto GP is coming to the end Moto GP. This is the last race. I mean, it looks like Jorge Martin has it I just hope it's not like I get it if he just rides safe Although the last fucking race was amazing him and fucking Peco just going back and forth and like the first like I don't know how many laps It was like the end of the fucking race and I'm like these two guys is this like days of thunder on Motorcycles, I thought they were gonna crash a couple of times And then I think Jorge just said I fucked this shit like he needed like he needed to win by like nine points this shit. Like he needed like, he needed to win by like nine points.

But, um, they were saying like, uh, this Saturday, when they have the sprint, for those of you who don't watch the race, they do like this half a race on Saturday and it actually counts for something like points and everything. It's really fucking cool. And like those points add up and, um, you know, he could actually, actually you know depending on what happens he could actually win on Saturday and I would think if he just comes in first and Peco comes in third or later he could probably win it I don't really know how the points work but I would guess that. Other than that, I imagine he's going to be on pole, or Peco's going to be on pole. And then, you know, there'll be first and second.

And then it's just like, all right, I'll just let you win this fucking race and I'll just ride behind you. And that's going to be it. And I believe they said this is the first time it's going to, uh, a guy could win the championship and it's not the factory team, which I still don't quite understand. Like the Ducati factory team, like this is the Ducati team that is representing the company Ducati. But then there's like another couple of teams that have Ducati's, but they're not the factory

team. I don't understand. It's still a fucking Ducati. What are they giving them the shit ones? You know Like Peco gets the fucking z28 and what do I get the rally sport? It's really weird. So that's also another thing too is that he's They're both riding Ducati's and he's not on the factory team and he could still win. It's pretty cool Anyway, I had a funny thing happen to me last night.

I was fucking, I had leftover mushrooms. And this one was supposed to be like medium. I don't know what I was thinking. I just ate one. I go, I'll eat one, you know. Just sort of like chill, you know. And I ate one. I go, I'll eat one, you know, just sort of like chill, you know, and I ate it. And I was just fucking watching TV by myself. All of a sudden I was like, man, that fucking it was a watching NBA highlights, you know, they have all those crazy

like basketball, like the the hardwood, you know, it doesn't look like the parquet anymore. It looks like fucking European basketball. So I'm just looking at, go, my, they got a lot of weird, you know, very involved basketball court. What the fuck do you call it? It's the field, the pitch. What the fuck do you call a, it's a basketball court, but what do you call the floor? Do you just call it the floor? I don't fucking know. So I was watching like highlights of like clay Thompson coming back as a Maverick going back to the Warriors. Going up against Steph Curry and everybody's wearing the chef hats and I'm just fucking sitting there beginning to trip

and I was sitting there going, what the fuck are they wearing those Ted Knight hats from Caddyshack? What's going on? I didn't realize that guy has a license. He's a captain boat captain That's fucking cool as hell and Also way more terrifying than aviation I'm gonna say that And I would love to hear a debate. Any sea captains out there, any pilots out there, what do you think is more dangerous?

I just think going out to fucking sea is fucking insane. Going out and you just don't see land anymore and you're just in the fucking, you're out there in the water anything can happen a fucking rogue wave a crazy storm and then all of a sudden you're just in the ocean floating waiting for the fucking hoping the coast guard gets there before some fucking sea monster comes up and takes a bite out of your leg to see what's up with you before it comes back to finish you off. Fuck that.

Fuck that. Dying at sea is way worse than dying in aviation. Dying in aviation is 90 seconds of dead, right? These fucking people out to sea, takes some days to die and then they get dehydrated They start seeing shit and then they fucking you start drinking the water. I Remember there was a time where I was reading all these classic books if you can believe that How funny is that now what you guys know about me? I there was actually a period in the late 90s where I was so sick of people bringing up all of these fucking books or quoting them and so it goes and all of this shit.

Moment, you know, listen to Zeppelin is like, I've never read that book. So I just fucking read like one year I read like 20 of them. Everything from the Count Amon Monte Cristo, the Prince and the popper. What else did I read? Confederacy of Dunces, like modern shit, Mark Twain. I read all of this shit. Didn't retain any of it. I liked the count of Monte Cristo the best. Alexander Dumas, oh, where the fuck you say it? And I got like the 700 page book of it with the small print.

The one like the original or this close to the original. And those books are motherfuckers to get through because the print was so small. Moby Dick was like that, too, like he would be telling the story and then just one chapter would go off in a tangent and just talk about a certain type of whale and educate you and I just remember reading that going like the fucking amount of time that people had back then because there was no TV no radio no fucking smartphones or any of that shit blah blah blah and all of that crap, right? So I read all of these books.

And, um... The fuck was my point? I don't even remember. What the hell? I don't know. It's late at night. What do you want from me? Um... Oh, yeah, I read all these books because I was sick of people bringing that shit up. And I thought it was going to make me smarter.

And I realized, you're kind of born as smart as you are, and all you can do is hone. Hone it, you know what I mean? But you can't get smarter. Well, there's certain areas you can be smarter. You can work smarter, you can live smarter, you can do that, but you don't get smarter. It's a really weird thing. Like, I used to do a bit about that. Like, if you're a dumb guy and you read a bunch of books, you're not smarter. You're just a dumb guy that read books. You're a well read dumb guy because at the end of the day, it all comes down to how you process the information.

Like anybody can read something, memorize it, and then puke it at the nearest fucking human being that walks by him. Oh God, those aren't those people the fucking worst. Jesus fucking Christ. It's like, it's like an adult, but it's a three-year-old, you know, where your kid comes home from school when they're really young and they start telling you, you know, about whatever the hell they learned. Like my son came home and was talking to me about bees. It was amazing. Talking about the queen and all of that. It was so cute.

And he goes, and they baked the honey and they put it in the house. It was so cute. And he goes, and they paid the honey, and they put it in the house. And then you have it in a parfait. Can you make me a parfait? And he literally abandoned the story and then just fucking put it in an order. Anyway, so anyway, so I'm fucking, I'm watching this, these highlights, right?

And, uh, I'm looking at the floor and I go, wow, that's really fucking crazy floors. These basketball courts and they look really vivid. And I was like, Oh, that's that mushroom. Okay. Well, that makes sense on the package. It said it was sort of medium and I only ate one So I get it So I'm gonna go right up to where like the colors are sort of vivid and then it's gonna come back down again And now that's not what happened. I Was watching a little bit longer and then all of a sudden

This commercial comes on and I'm looking at this guy's face and I'm going like what the fuck happened to that guy? I was like oh shit oh god oh here we go right in the fucking shit in the room starts moving it was so weird it was such a weird such a weird thing to be tripping when you don't want to. I was talking to my buddy today, it was like driving and then hitting traffic going, ah fuck, and then there's like nothing you can do so you just kind of go with it. But I don't know, as always whenever I take mushrooms I always learn some shit And one of the things I was like I got too much just stuff I gotta get rid of all of this fucking stuff I

Don't want like and then just thinking like you know one of the nicest things you can do when you die Is to be like not have a lot of shit. You know what I mean? Like people come in, you got like nice furniture, a couple nice pictures on the wall. It's not a big deal, you know? They come in and you just got like just a house full of shit. Like what do they do with it? I just love that too. Like they just fucking put a, one of those giant blue dumpsters outside and everybody just throws everything in it. And your entire life's work is, is in a, it gets thrown in a fucking dumpster. And it's just like, this is what you did.

This is the time you lived on earth and your job was to consume. Because if you didn't consume the entire thing collapses and for some reason you can't eat anymore Because nobody knows how to hunt or fish or it's not like you there's no game in The city like you know what I mean even if you knew how to hunt and fish. What are you gonna fucking hunt rodents? You can eat some fucking rabid coyote It is kind of amazing. I don't know, these are fucking weird times. Definitely weird times. But these fucking sociopaths, absolute fucking sociopaths,

have gotten us to this point. And then just cowardly people that just accept bribes and just allowed these fucking, and I'm not talking politics here. I'm talking about people that run corporations. I'm really getting tired of this shit that when a corporation gets tired, gets busted for doing some shit, like they just, like the corporation gets fined. It's's like why doesn't the individuals that are sitting on the board why don't they go to jail because they're fucking paying them all

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Oh, I remember what I was going to talk about, like how most of those books were, uh, that I read, so many of them involved being out to sea and the horrors of being out to sea and the things that happened and like running out of food, getting scurvy, being keel hauled, you know, getting lost, ending up in some strange place and the horrible things that human beings did to each other was just fucking nuts. But anyway, like I was already like, like terrified, terrified of the fucking ocean. Like that's the worst story. There's a bunch of bad stories on the news But whenever I see somebody falls off a fucking cruise ship. Oh my god. I always just

Say to myself. I hope the water was freezing and like hyperthermia kicked in within a minute You know and your blood temperature dropped and you just sort of went into like a sleep and that was it. Anyway, yeah, so I'm gonna fucking, I gotta get rid of some shit, man. Every time I like, I don't know what happens. I get so many, you know what I get a bunch of like free fucking t-shirts and clothes and shit. And uh, people go to give me shit. I go, I don't want it. Don't give it to me. Don't give it. Like I did this fucking stupid golf thing, which by the way, did I tell you guys, I finally figured out why I don't like golf.

golf thing, which by the way, did I tell you guys I finally figured out why I don't like golf? I thought I hated the sport. It isn't what it is. The entire time I'm playing, all I'm thinking about is the group of four behind me. That's all I'm worried about. And I'm worried that if I play too slow, they're going to drive down in the golf cart and beat the shit out of me with their clubs. Right? And that's one of those things when I finally said it out loud, I'm like, this is pretty ridiculous fear. But if you don't say it out loud, it's just the amount of shit I realized that I think and their laws that were made in my head by the time I was six. Um, I mean that goes back to like, you know,

when I was growing up in the fucking seventies and your parents just let you go outside and anytime you read it, ran into big kids, they would just beat you up or throw shit at you or break your toys. And it just kind of made you like thinking like, all right, what's around the next corner and what the fuck is it going to do to me? Anyway, the next corner and what the fuck is it gonna do to me anyway so anyway I got this tour coming up like I said I started in Ojai and then I go to Bakersfield and I go up the 99 a couple of stops then I'm in Fresno then two more stops and I'm up in Stockton and I already know

this is gonna be a great tour because I got a bunch of new shit that I want to talk about and I tell so I like going to places like these cities are like not cities that you necessarily see people touring and they those people usually have to drive to the nearest big city to go see whatever the fuck they want to see so when you go to them they're so fucking psyched you know and the crowds actually end up being better than like say a crowd like in San Francisco where I'm not saying San Francisco crowds aren't good but like the fucking Rolling Stones go there you know Jay-Z, Beyonce the biggest fucking

accent show business will do a show there so they sort of expect like yeah why wouldn't you be here but like when you go to these other places you know any young comics listening don't ever discount these fucking cities the crowds are fantastic and and like I said you end up finding these things like the last time I went to Fresno I ended up getting like the best barbecue big Texas barbecue in Fresno. If you think I'm not fucking going there again, I got another thing. I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna eat perfect right to that day. And then I'm gonna go up there and I'm gonna get one of those fucking Texas Twinkies

that I've been thinking about ever since I had it. Texas Twinkie, what is it? Is that what what you said Is that what you just said to me? you fucking talking to me texas twinkie is a uh What the fuck was it it was like a jalapeno? That this guy stuffed with brisket cream cheese and a bunch of spices and it was fucking insane It was so delicious and then also like had the nice kick of the jalapeno. It was fucking amazing um But last time we went up there, we got the sampler plate this time I'm just going to order something specific because they totally hooked us up. It was who the fuck was with me on that one?

It was always it's always club soda candy., Club Soda, and then I don't remember. It might have been Dean Del Rey. And we were like, you know, we fucking shout, oh, maybe it was Nate Craig. I just remember before the show, like, being so full, I was sitting on the green room couch. and I was like sort of slumped at a 15 degree angle I mean I wanted to just completely lay down but I know I knew if I went any further I was not gonna be able to get back up and I had this show to do so anyway so I'm playing a bunch of these Fox theaters on the way up there which is so goddamn cool because they used

to be like movie theaters. Like back in the day when people would get dressed up and go into the movies was fucking amazing. And they would have like premieres of movies and they would have the stars come out. Like I've been one of these one of these theaters that I'm gonna do on that run I guarantee you somebody like Humphrey Bogart stood on one of those stages. Who is that guy? Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? Jimmy Stewart like one of those guys from the the golden age. It's gonna be it's gonna be so much fun. Anyway, how much time have I done here? I gotta fucking go to bed soon, because I got a bunch of shit I gotta do tomorrow, as always. As fucking always.

Hey, here's something I learned. If you have a favorite taco stand out in LA and If they ever switch from cash only to taking credit cards, that means it's not gonna be as good anymore There's a little pro tip for you If it goes from cash only to we accept credit cards now and people can fucking Apple pay with their goddamn phone It's not gonna taste as good But If you go to one and it's cash only that usually means the grandma's back there making the tortillas and it's gonna be fucking And crazy. It's gonna be really fucking good Yeah, so anyway, uh...

You know who had a fucking killer house and somebody bought it and redid it to the way it was, was Johnny Cash had a house up in Ojai. And, um... I was up there, I dunno... I think last year I went up there for a wedding and I was in town and I saw this magazine that had Johnny Cash on the cover and I read this whole story about the person that bought the house and redid it and they showed pictures. It was fucking incredible. Fucking incredible. I don't know what it is about LA and California, the most beautiful houses, all different styles, but just fucking insanely beautiful. Like some of the houses out in like Palm Desert and everything, those mid-centuries, that

like fucking Sinatra and Elvis Presley and that whole era that they had, you know, and they had like the fucking, the designs of them were amazing and then they'd have like shag carpet and all of that shit so Johnny Cash had one and The bedroom the master bedroom he had it all done up for his wife and I want to say The ceiling was like almost like you know, they know that metal fleck Paint that they have it's really plastic that they put in there, that sparkle shit, it was like champagne color. I think it was on the ceiling, I can't remember what, but like, the entire house just visually

was just, was stunning. And I was hoping that they gave tours of it, but I didn't see that if they did but I still have the magazine every once in a while I'll just fucking check it out. But anyway, so what are my goals here? I got to keep working on the new hour. I burned a pretty good chunk of it I burned a pretty good chunk of it Do an SNL and I was doing partial of the bits and shit So I still took a nice fucking 10-minute chunk out of out of my new act, which is always Brutal so I got some other new shit, but my goal is

When I go out there is to Not be divisive just in general. I just think that there is enough of that. Online, people yelling at each other, these stupid 24-hour news channels, these stupid fucking political parties, you know, sports, people yelling at each other, it's just fucking ridiculous. Like the level of yelling and arguments amongst human beings, and God knows I've been fucking guilty of it more than anybody else, like, I would like to not do that as much as possible

on this thing and even if I'm talking about something kind of heavier, like do it in a light way, that's kind of what I loved about that episode of SNL that I did. You know, it was a brutal fucking week. It was basically half the country was not going to be happy. Or a little less than half because Trump won the popular vote too, right?

By like a million votes or whatever. But give or take, like 48% of the country, whoever won was not going to be happy. So I think it's so fucking depressing. Like I remember when when Trump won the first time and all the fucking Republican douchebags were just enjoying watching like that chick crying on the news channel and rubbing it in and all of that. And then what happens? 2020 and rubbing it in and all of that. And then what happens? 2020, fuckhead loses,

and then says everybody cheated and wouldn't shake hands and caused a fucking riot where two people died, but evidently that doesn't matter. People are still excited. More people are excited than not that he's president again. So when he loses to the dementia guy with fucking, you know, the warmonger with dementia, right?

I remember liberals were rubbing in it and I remember seeing that. And as much as I was happy that that fucking moron wasn't president anymore, I remember thinking like, that's a stupid thing to do. That's a stupid thing to do because you're just gonna make the other side wanna do it back to do. That's a stupid thing to do because you're just going to make the other side want to do it back to you. So you could literally have, you know, a fucking bucket of shit running

and they're going to vote for it. The same way liberals, you know, in 2020, they were so sick of Donald Trump, they were just like, I don't give a fuck anything. Because I remember during that election, I was talking to somebody going like They were going anything's better than Trump and I'm like anything Like anything I'm like this guy can't even finish the sentence and they just will anything anything anything Anything is but yeah, so Been so bizarre. I'm sure I'm really hoping I'm not the only one who feels this like the last three fucking elections

Just watching like somebody actually happy with the results. It's just fucking out of you know it's just blown my mind and I Know I sound like a broken record, but these politicians are so fucking corrupt and so goddamn rich and no one talks about that a are so fucking corrupt and so goddamn rich and no one talks about that. A couple hundred grand a year and somehow you're worth 40 million dollars? How did that happen? How does that happen? How are you getting grants from the government to the tune of seven, eight million dollars

and eight billion dollars? Your company's not profitable and you're on your way to being a trillionaire. Are you putting any of that money into your company? You just stick it in your fucking pocket? There's another thing about that Tesla guy. What the fuck is he doing with that stupid ass rocket? And why are all these fucking idiots going down there watching it? Like they think it's the most amazing thing ever. It's 70 degrees out in November and this fucking guy for his own stupid ego is shooting off rockets Where are they going? Where the fuck are you gonna go? Oh We're going to Mars, oh yeah that place without an atmosphere. What are you gonna do when you get there? Oh

My fucking god like what sort of psychological fucking test would you have to pass I love all these these fucking regular people who just drive down the highway to go to some dead-end job think that they could mentally handle getting into a fucking spaceship leaving the planet you're from and going to fucking Mars. And at no point at no fucking point during that journey are like at least 15% of the people going to fucking lose their mind and freak out and have, I mean, you think you have a fucking panic attack

about giving a book report? Can you imagine being a third of the way to Mars and there's no way to fucking turn this thing around? I mean, didn't you learn anything from that fucking guy doing, with the bootleg submarine going down to the goddamn Titanic? He was just trying to go underwater. This fucking guy's trying to go to Mars. Dude, the level of drugs that they're gonna have you on and that whole fucking thing

that if you want to go back, you're not going back because there's so much money behind it. Okay, you're not a person anymore. You're like this commodity, and you're going to have to get there so they can do the fucking photo op. Okay, here's a question for you conspiracy theorists. If you don't think that we ever made it to fuck the moon, if they fake that, if the government faked a moon landing, does one laminated welfare recipient that's on his way

to being a fucking trillionaire, does this guy have the ability to fake a landing on Mars? I don't know. You know what's fucked up? I think they tried to suggest that they've seen evidence that shows that at one point there was water on Mars. Which you know, someone who read like 10, 20 classic books almost 30 years ago, this

is how I look at that. This was the sun hotter back then? So the Earth wasn't inhabitable. Our planet was not inhabitable. But it was hot enough and created whatever the fuck is on here on Mars. And then eventually, either the sun cooled or the people that lived on Mars destroyed themselves

and their planet. What if that has been happening from Pluto all the way to Earth and where the next ones were, we're just gonna destroy our planet and it's gonna be uninhabitable. And then as the sun, you know, cause it's burning out, right? Then another zillion years goes by

and then all of a sudden, was it Mercury? Venus. Venus will have an Earth atmosphere. And then the next land, whatever those fucking species of people look like, then their Tesla guy goes, you know, we're going to go to Earth. We're going to take you guys to fucking Earth.

And it just keeps happening until it gets to Mercury and then once Mercury fucking destroys itself with whatever species is on that, then God's done with that solar system. He stops out the sun and then moves on to the other one. Sorry, I did, I fucking those mushrooms man, fuck me up. I was actually thinking is God traumatized because we allegedly killed his kid but then if you kill him then he gets to see him again right? I don't know. That's what I was doing by myself while watching ESPN and wanting to turn the channel, but I couldn't

because I just kept looking at the floors on the basketball court. All right. This has been a podcast. I'm not saying it's been a good one. It's been a little weird anyway, but I'm looking forward to getting out there into America and meeting some people

and being respectful and not getting into arguments and not discussing politics or religion or whatever the fuck it is we have to do. I don't know. Wildfires in New Jersey. I never even heard of that and it's November. And we just re-elected the guy who walked away from the Paris Treaty. All right. Good times. Good times.

But there'll be no gender neutral bathrooms. All right, I'm fucking with you guys. I will talk to you later. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And this, we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Hope you enjoy. Alright, I'll see you.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, November 14th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? My voice is a little messed up here because I've been traveling my vitamins, as they say over in Europe, oregano, vitamins, tomatoes, basil. I don't understand why with ingredients.

Everything else we pretty much pronounce the same as fucking Great Britain, but when it comes to spices, everything is different. We say oregano, we say basil, they say oregano, basil, whatever the fuck they say, tomato, vitamins. The only time I really experienced that in the United States is we say Carnegie and Pittsburgh says Carnegie. Bill, what are you talking about? I don't fucking know.

I just got off a goddamn plane and I watched all the football on the way out, oh my God, underrated, flying on football fucking Sunday when there was two fucking games back to back with seven fucking lead changes. The boring NFL with their ratings down. How great was Sunday? Fucking amazing. Fucking amazing, man. That Dallas Pittsburgh game was incredible and the

Pittsburgh Seattle game was great and I know a lot of people think like the thing you know what the thing I was most upset about it wasn't the final score it wasn't the the lack of a call on the last play with Gronk, it was the Tom Brady picture. What the fuck was that with his hand on his hip and his other hand up underneath his jaw? What in the fuck was that? That's what happens when you date a supermodel. She's in his goddamn ear, just being like, Tom, you're just standing there like everybody else. You need to establish your brand.

Have fun with it. Be a little sassy. Yes, you're probably not going to hear this from a lot of Patriots fans, but I love the no call at the end of the fucking game. I'm forever sticking up for cornerbacks in the NFL when it comes to their right to be there, to try and prevent a score. You know how this all started. Old Jim Ersay out there in Indianapolis couldn't beat the Patriots defense, so he's the one

that created the whole, hey, the cornerback can't even look at the receiver past five fucking yards, you know? So I love the no call. I thought Gronk did that thing where he ran right into him. He didn't quite push off, but it was one of those gray area things. You usually get a call on that. I feel like 70% of the time I'll just throw that stat out there. You know I don't read, right?

I loved the no call. I wish that they would do that more. But other than that, it was just a great fucking game. And I liked it too because Seattle kind of just played the game rather than doing all that peacocking around every time they do something. There was one guy, that fat guy, that nose tackle for Seattle. I was fucking dying laughing on the plane. That first drive the Patriots had where they just went right down the field and gave them

the all right there, Fred. Every fucking play was positive yardage except for one so we had like six seven plays in a row Well, we're just crushing it 15 yards 10 yards 8 yards 20 yards right down the field If you judge the game on that first fucking drive you'd be like oh my god This is gonna be a fucking landslide right and then one play I think they handed it off to like legarit blunt and he just runs in one play I think they handed it off to like legarit blunt and he just runs in to the offensive line for no gain and that fat dude stands up and he wags a finger like Matumbo over at Belichick in the Patriots bench hey all those other

plays are gonna work but not that one don't try that one it's the funniest shit ever to me. But it was an amazing game. And I actually liked the fact that we lost to them. Even though they didn't have Bennett, they were kind of hurt, and we still lost to them. And it was in our house. Did I just say our house?

I'm sorry. It was in our stadium. That didn't bug me, because if we meet them again in the playoffs, I'd rather have lost the regular season game You know, they always say that shit like You know, you got you always learn more during a loss. I liked way better losing You know, I think the biggest thing that fucked the 2007 Patriots undefeated regular season Patriots was the fact that we were undefeated also spy gate. Everyone was just rooting against us

I would have loved it so much more if we went into the playoffs 14 and 2 or 15 and 1 Just to you know, so everybody what didn't like didn't have such a chip on their shoulder to fucking play I Can't even why the fuck I just made that point Oh, I know why because I've seen so many times like it's like you beat them in the regular season And then they see you a month or two later And then they come back and beat you Giants did that to us the Jets did it to us

We beat him first. No, they beat us first then we destroyed him At home and then a month later, they beat us in the playoffs and it's just kind of how it goes. So I'm alright with it. I'm still not too thrilled with our defense and can somebody by the way for the love of fucking God and I don't want to hear this from a fan I need it from a football coach. Can somebody explain to me the prevent defense? I know I've asked this before, but for the love of God, can somebody please explain to me, at the half, the Patriots score a touchdown.

We're playing with these guys, we're covering them, they're not getting any big plays. We completely abandon that. There's 59 seconds to go in the half. We completely fucking abandoned that. This 59 seconds to go in the half, we completely fucking abandoned that. We start playing a zone defense, or maybe we're playing zone up until then, I don't know, whatever the fuck we were doing

was working, we were in a zone defense giving them a 20 yard cushion. Basically, you concede a field goal. Okay? And we just, in 59 seconds these fucking guys seven plays seven seventy five yards in 59 fucking seconds and The last play for the touchdown watching that wide receiver going from one zone of the defense to another You know what he looked like you ever see when a fan

Just runs out on the field, and he's just running by players, and they're just looking at him You know what I mean because it's a fan security will handle that this fucking guy because of the prevent defense was standing by himself Like a yard out from the end zone if not on the end zone line, waving his fucking arms. I mean he might as well have been dressed in street clothes. The level of like non-coverage that is. And I understand the concept behind the prevent defense. This is basically we'll give up the middle of the field, we'll protect the sideline,

and they'll make completions will tackle them and then they're going to somehow eat up this 59 fucking seconds it never happens I swear to God I think it's a conspiracy it's a business move by the NFL it's to increase scoring slash add to the drama if another team is only up by one fucking score and the other team goes into a prevent the game is going to end with three or four shots at the end zone or they're going to kick a field goal to try and win it. It just doesn't fucking work. And you know what's funny? So we go into the fucking prevent and they go

right down the field give us the old right there Fred score a fucking touchdown All right Very deflating no pun intended for the Patriots as we go into the locker room All right now we got to kick off to Seattle we kick off to Seattle we play defense they go three and out It's like why the fuck didn't we do that before the half? Sorry Half of this is emotion the only half is I smoked two cigars two nights in a row which I can't we do that before the half? Sorry. Half of this is emotion. The other half is I smoked two cigars two nights in a row, which I can't fucking do. I don't understand that on any fucking level.

I also don't understand when the end of the game, Seattle scores a touchdown, they go up by seven points. Why wouldn't you just kick an extra point, go up by seven points. Why wouldn't you just kick an extra point go up by eight? You're acting like a two-point conversion is A done deal which is isn't which we saw when Seattle went to go for it and didn't get it Right am I nuts there because I kind of looked away from the screen They went for two there right and they didn't get it and then they were only up by one Maybe I'm maybe I'm wrong here. I might be wrong if that's what happened

Can somebody explain that move that they went to go up by two so they'd be up by a touchdown in a field goal Rather than just going let's go with the fucking 90 something percent thing and kick a fucking extra point Go up by eight and make the Patriots not only have to score a touchdown But then convert a fucking two-point conversion if that is in fact what happened. Like I said, I was on a plane, and there is shit to fucking look around at.

And also, kind of like what I like to do is, I like to listen to ACDC and shit like that when I'm on a plane, so I listen to the whole Flick of the Switch album while I was watching the game. It's actually pretty fucking cool. And also, you can actually just sort of watch the game and not get nearly as emotional, you know? Because when your team is losing,

you start thinking that the announcers are against your team and vice versa and all that type of shit. So I, I don't know, but I thoroughly enjoyed that game. I'm not one of those fucking fans that fucking, you know, his team loses and then thinks, oh, we got fucked and blah, blah, blah, thoroughly enjoyed that game. I'm not one of those fucking fans that fucking, you know, his team loses and then thinks, oh, we got fucked and blah, blah, blah, and all that bullshit. Okay. I don't, I don't think that it was a fucking great game.

And I know you guys didn't have Bennett and, you know, and it was great seeing two of the most fucking, the two biggest cheaters facing off with one another. One guy gets all the press. The other guy doesn't. Do you know Seattle since like 2010? I think they recently got passed by the Redskins. They were the most, they had the most people busted for taking roids.

You'd never know that. They're in Seattle, man. They make coffee. Nobody gives a fuck. You do that where there's a little bit of foliage and all of a sudden it's a fucking national story for fucking year and a half Because you let a cunt hairs with the air out of a fucking ball. It's hilarious. It's amazing to me

Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I I also got to do one of my favorite charitable events Other than the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit Tickets are on sale. They are on sale. I will tweet out the link again today. It's going to be at the New York City Center, I believe February 21st. I think it's a Tuesday. Bill, it'd be kind of nice if you had the actual fucking information, wouldn't it? Clicking on the camera. Camera? Clicking on the calendar. All right. Going in. It's yes, February 21st. Bam. going in, it's yes, February 21st, bam. I got to do the Comics Come Home event, and this is a really special event for me because I got to do, I did it 20 years ago,

was the first time I did it, and I think it was at the Orpheum, and I got to meet Cam Neely, Chris Nylen was there, I got to meet Dennis Leary, and I mean, I was literally three and a half years in my career, and it was such an unbelievable event to be a part of, and I went out and thank God, I had a good set, and I remember Leary called me

and left a message, I was so bummed I wasn't home when he called me, this is like 20 years ago, so I didn't have a cell phone, I had an answering machine, and I actually remember listening to the message like over and over again. And he was like, hey Bill, it's Dennis. I just want to say thank you, you're really fucking funny. And you fucking killed it, so thank you for doing it, right?

All right, fuck off. And he just hung up. And I listened to it fucking 20 times in a row. It was so fucking cool. And I was also in a panic, like oh fuck, I didn't pick up the phone when he called. Was that my big break? We would have talked, we would have became friends.

He would have opened all the doors for me. You know, those over the top panic moments that you have when you're trying to make it in this business that you think you, every little thing you think you blew it. And actually what you end up realizing is this is not one thing. It's a series of things all just building this fucking snowball that rolls down the hill before you finally get there So anyway, so I got to do it And it was Jay Lassen. It was his first one. He did great Wendy Liebman Lenny clock with his fucking lime green pants

Probably gonna forget some people. Wanda Sykes, Nick DiPaolo, then me, then Bobby Kelly. And that was cool, because me and Bobby were closing it out, and he's part of my standup graduation class. And I remember when we both first got to do it, we were in the Jay Larson spot. The first guy out, the new guy, which is really hard,

because nobody knows who you are enough and you got to go up. And that was just the Orpheum. And Larsen went up at the fucking TD Bank North Garden where the Bruins and Celtics play and he fucking killed, looked totally relaxed. And I remember watching him going like, I wasn't that relaxed the first time I did it and it was just in a theater. And it was cool.

I had some friends there too. That was their first comedy show they'd ever been to. And let's just say they saw the gamut of everything that can possibly happen when you go on stage, man. It was a fucking, it was a fun night. It was a fun fucking night. And then afterwards everybody hung out and I had these cigars that I brought and I was going, I was saying to the people, I was saying, man, is there any place we can smoke these?

And one of the guys connected with the Bruins was like, okay, there's a room we can go to. So we ended up going to this half-assed locker room. It wasn't a visitor locker room. I don't know what the fuck it was. And we went in there and we just lit these things up and just told stories for fucking two hours. The entire reason I love smoking cigars, and we were in there and we just let these things up and just told stories for like fucking two hours The entire reason I love smoking cigars and we were in there so long by the time we got out like They had broken down the stage and everything and they were setting it up I think for a Bruins game I couldn't tell if it was gonna be Bruins or Celtics that was sort of midway and just

Watching the bullgang or whatever they could they're called just setting it up was so fucking cool our And just watching the bull gang or whatever they could they're called just setting it up was so fucking cool our Little uber fucking our little car service back to the hotel had left I mean like I fuck it. We were staying at the Liberty. So we just fucking walked around the corner and It's fucking hilarious just walking down the streets of Boston It fucking two in the morning on a Saturday night and these fucking people hammered almost to fight here, people screaming and yelling and shit, and it's just like, I don't know, it's like, God, I remember this shit.

Fucking, the energy of Boston, it's so fucking unique. It's really just like, it took me a long time to pick up on it, because I was just in it, you know what I mean? It's kind of like if your car stinks when they commercial, where they say you go nose blind, you don't see it. I kind of was like, I don't know, I couldn't see how fucking nuts Boston is, but I've said it before,

Boston is like the sucker punch capital of the fucking world. Like when you go into a bar, you just, at past a certain hour, there's this anger that settles in in the bar, you just feel it. Somebody's gonna fucking, something's gonna happen, right? You always hear that, dude, you hear about Obie? Dude, he got fucking suckered in a bar last night. Some kid suckered him, he was wearing

a fucking clattering kit. Not saying it's all like that, but there's just this, at two in the morning, that vibe exists. I remember one time walking back from the Wilber Theater, I can't even remember where the fuck I was staying, I was walking with DeRose, I was like, man, I just want to walk, just walk the city a little bit, man, I miss it, and all the memories, you know?

Back in the day, going to Emerson College and commuting and taking the train in to go to fucking Bruins, Celtics, Red Sox games and shit. And I was walking and there was two of the angriest fucking kids I've ever seen in my life. There was these homeless people laying over the subway grates and they were fucking walking by. And they were just screaming, wake up, get a fucking job.

Like, they were so angry. They were like 30 yards in front of me and I was continuing to slow down because I was like, if I'm even anywhere near this guy's orbit, he's going to want to fight me. He was like that level of angry. And of course, he's got his girlfriend who's trying to calm him down. Oh my God, stop it, just go to the car.

What are you doing? He's fucking screaming and he's all fucking angry She's trying to fucking hold him and he's pulling away and shit So of course eventually he fucking sits down and he's just mean mugging everybody coming by And yeah, I remember he yelled at me and DeRosa. I'm just like just keep walking. Just keep walking. Just fuck it. I I'm just like, just keep walking, just keep walking, just fucking. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's in the water. I don't know what that is, but we felt that vibe. And it was funny.

So we were actually walking back, it was me, Bobby, and a couple of his buddies, and connected with the show, right? And we fucking walking back and we did that thing, you know, where it said don't walk. And we were kind of standing in the street a little bit. And these kids come around the corner in this car, the kid in the jam packed with kids, you know, like everybody fucking piled in.

This kid's fucking in the back seat. He's got this awful fucking mustache. He comes, as we're driving by, he's like, Hey, you're standing in the street, as he went by. And I could tell me and Bobby hadn't lived there in a long time. And I just looked at Bobby and I was just like, you know, we were standing in the street. And he's like, yeah, he was right.

Now back in the day, that would have been, fuck you, you fucking mustache, you and whatever. And then they would have pulled over and then you want to go, oh, you want to fucking go. And everybody's taking their gold chains off. That was the eighties. Remember the eighties when you had gold chains right before the fight. Everybody's like taking their gold chain off and handing it to your girlfriend. Keep your rings on, take your chains off, dude. Yeah, so it was always great to be back there.

I came up there so quickly I didn't get a chance to go to some of the old food haunts, but my mother made some beef stew before I left, so that was great. I hung around for like a day, like an asshole. I hung around until like six at night thinking the... I didn't look, I thought the game was a was an afternoon game but I got like I said, I got to watch it on the on the On the fucking on the plane on the airplane there So anyways, alright, let's get into let's read a little bit of advertising here

I have not watched the fucking Formula One race yet. I know Lewis Hamilton won, and he's closing the gap. So you people who have not watched fucking Formula One all year, I think the last one's in Abu Dhabi or some shit in Dubai. I don't know where the fuck it is, all right? But this one is going to determine the fucking winner. I think Nico, all he's got gotta do is just come in third place. If he just does that, he's gonna win it. And uh, Louis obviously needs to win the fucking race. But it's kinda cool that it's coming down to the last one.

Um, anyways, let me get to the fucking avatar. I have to hum my p- my password or else I won't be able to talk and fucking All right, we got what do we got two more All right, fuck that. I'll read those later All right. Okay back to the podcast. So anyways Yes, so I didn't get a chance the fucking race was in Brazil I got it taped at home I can't wait to see it because it was raining and That's one of the coolest things I find about Formula One racing is that it's like football. They don't give a shit. If it's raining or not, they're going to keep racing. And I think that's cool. It adds all these extra elements

to the race. And it's like when two teams, like when teams favor by 14 and all of a sudden it starts fucking raining out and everybody slip sliding around you got yourself a good game I thought that this was gonna be a landslide one way or the other like Hillary Clinton I still can't believe Donald Trump won. I Still cannot fucking believe that A reality to show TV star got fucking elected No, Jesus there Two of the worst fucking candidates ever

To fucking face each other's in my humble fucking opinion, but what the fuck do I know evidently? I know a lot considering a lot of the fucking emails. I got and all the shit on Twitter I got a lot of shit for my parents on one Conan which I gotta be honest with you guys was not a fucking easy one to do and all the shit on Twitter. I got a lot of shit from my parents on Conan, which I gotta be honest with you guys, was not a fucking easy one to do. It was the day after the election, everyone was in shock, I think including Trump supporters.

Because I went back East and I talked to a couple of friends of mine and they voted for Trump and I was like, dude, I can't believe that guy won and they were like, yeah, I can't fucking believe it either. So, I don't know, maybe this is like when the Patriots beat the Rams, I don't know, maybe this is like when the Patriots beat the Rams, I have no fucking idea. But anyways, that was not an easy, an easy spot to be in, you know? And I stayed true to who I was, an uninformed jackass who can't fucking read

out loud, who's into conspiracy theory. I talked about Hillary dressing up like a yak and fucking people under a mountain. I talked about Trump being up like a yak and fucking people under a mountain. I talked about Trump being a dope and that whole ridiculous shit about building a fucking wall. I trashed them both equally, but you know, people who vote for colors, right? You got a blue tie, you can say nothing wrong, you got a red tie, you can't do anything wrong, right? I got so much fucking shit. It's so amazing how people hear things I

Actually my point in all of that was like, you know, it'd be kind of cool if we all just stop yelling at each other All right All right, if you guys if you want to hear my fucking theories This is my theory Okay I think Trump got in because of eight years of Obama and the progressive left. I think they got in because of eight years of George Bush and Bush and Cheney. I think they got in because of eight years of Clinton.

I think Clinton got in because of 12 years of Reagan and Bush. It just keeps, it goes way conservative and then it goes way fucking liberal and then it goes way conservative You know what I mean? I mean think about where America was right? Where when Bush and Cheney were there? All right, and then six years later or so during Obama's presidency like Bruce Jenner transitioned Got her own show and was named Woman of the

Year. Okay, now that is not something that you would think could happen in 07. Six years later, boom, that's where the fuck it's at. And I don't know. And what I, my problem with both sides is the way they've rammed their ideology down your fucking throat and that if you have a difference of an opinion, you know, on the right it's usually it means you're against America, you don't support the troops, and you're a socialist. And on the left, if you don't agree with them you're a caveman

you're a fucking sexist you're a racist you're a homophobe you're any of those fucking things but both sides equally try to get you to lose your job and they try to destroy your ability to earn a living because of your beliefs and for the life of me is confusing confusing as the prevent defenses, can somebody please explain to me how if somebody says something politically or socially that you don't agree with, spawning a movement to get them to lose their fucking job,

how that makes that person more supportive of the troops, America, less of a socialist, whatever the fuck it is you think they are, or how that makes them less racist, less homophobic. Like, I don't know, that doesn't work. Yelling at people, taking away their jobs. You know what I mean? It's like way back when the Dixie Chicks criticized George Bush, the fucking right all of a sudden, they pressured radio stations to not play their music.

They were fucking running over their CDs with steam rollers. And you know, people are like, dude, what the fuck, you're going a little far. And it's like, no, they had a right to say that, and we had a right to respond. It's tit for tat. It's like, that's what the fuck, you're going a little far. And it's like, no, they had a right to say that, we had a right to respond, it's tit for tat. It's like, that's not tit for tat. You know, tit for tat is they trashed George Bush,

you defend George Bush and you trash them. Trying to systematically destroy their career and their ability to make a living is not tit for tat. That's like somebody flicked your fucking ear and then you took out a fucking knife and cut that trying to cut that jugular so And personally speaking I think both sides Are are really guilty of that they're really guilty

When you get really far left and you get really far left right? They're really guilty of just a bully people and They're so fucking wrapped up in, that they're so goddamn right about everything, that they really become condescending, insufferable assholes. And I don't know, so I try to stay in the middle, because I would never tell you who the fuck to vote for, nor did I ever on this thing, unlike what most people saw. Dude, I got people on fucking Twitter, it's hilarious.

First of all, they think they know me because they watch me on a talk show, and then they think they know how I voted. The amount of people that thought I voted for Trump, and then the amount of people that thought I voted for Hillary. All the Trump people think I voted for fucking Hillary, and all the Hillary people think I voted for Trump. I didn't vote for either one of them. I told you guys right along. Bernie Sanders was my fucking guy. That was my fucking guy. And watching him getting boxed out by the media because they felt Hillary had more of a chance and they didn't give a shit that they were just voting just more of the same, more of the same.

The only thing I will commend with the right is they got their Bernie Sanders in. I mean, the guy is a fucking shit show, but at least, you know, at least they stuck by their rebel. I wish that they had done that. I would have loved to have seen Bernie against fucking Donald Trump. I think Bernie would have had a better shot. I just think the Clintons had too much fucking baggage. You know?

And even as a Clinton supporter, you know that's fucking true. How little did Bill Clinton talk during that whole fucking time? He didn't talk at all. This is a former fucking president who had a successful presidency. I mean, even though he got impeached for sticking a cigar, lying about, you know, Monica Lewinsky, he didn't talk like Al Gore lost to George Bush. You know, he didn't use Bill Clinton. He goes, I got to get the fuck away from you, dude.

You're a fucking nightmare. You're a fucking nightmare. You're a fucking nightmare. You're a political fucking nightmare. And the dude's own wife had to do the exact same fucking thing. I don't know. They had a ton of fucking baggage, you know? And Hillary supporters won't fucking look at it objectively

at the same way Trump supporters won't look at that. I mean, I don't know. It's just, it's a fucked up time. But I will tell you this though, the time for screaming and yelling at each other is over, I feel, and it would be nice is if those people who aren't crazy fucking left and crazy right could kind of maybe break bread a little bit,

which I don't think is going to happen because of eight years of Obama and eight years of the progressive left becoming word police and social police and idea police and all of this stuff telling you what the fuck you're supposed to think About everything and what you're supposed to say and what word you're supposed to use and I really think it's overly simplifying Saying that the right voted the way they did because they want to say homophobic and racial slurs Just turning people into it. That's like both of them They always turn each other

into like a cartoon, like you ever notice like whenever a Democrat gets in, the right totally overreacts, like it's gonna be socialism, it's gonna be like communist Russia, there's gonna be terrorists running down the fucking street, you know? And then whenever anybody in the right gets in,

it's always like, this is like Germany in 1935 every fucking time They say that every fucking time. I'm not saying that one of those times It won't be fucking true, but they say it every fucking time and they completely freak the fuck out and I Don't know and then when they get in, they ram their ideologies down the other person's throat.

They have zero empathy for somebody else. They have zero empathy for how people want to raise their kids. And they just, both sides, they just like, we're 100% right and you're going to fucking take this right down the throat. And I don't know. Each Each election I think the pendulum keeps swinging Farther and farther, but even if you're not fucking Democrat you have to be proud of the last eight fucking years I mean at least there was no cigars and pussies

There was no They have weapons of mass destruction oops. We can't find any oh now. It's a liberation There was none of that shit right who knows who the fuck I don't know what's gonna happen but uh you know I'm no comfortable with this result than anybody else but you wouldn't know that from all these fucking things these emails these I'll reach it I'll try to get through these next two emails that I got. This is classic political shit, how people, they just hear what they want to hear. This guy writes me, and this guy is basically, I think, blaming me in a roundabout way for

Donald Trump getting in. Because God knows that's the kind of power the Monday Morning Podcast has. Couple hundred thousand downloads. That's it, dude. That's the kind of power the Monday morning podcast has, you know? Couple hundred thousand downloads. I mean, that's it, dude. That's it. I can't believe I don't have Secret Service security right outside my door as I do this. Literally a podcast where I talk about fucking sports 90% of the time. I talk about conspiracy theory. I say I'm an idiot.

I can't read out loud. You know, this guy for some reason is choosing to ignore all of this. I'm going to say because the person he wanted didn't get in. So here we go. Dear Freckles, I'm no rocket scientist. Alright? Immediately going self-deprecating. Neither are you. Okay, agreed.

I think it's safe to assume the large majority of your listeners aren't either. Unlike you, I would never speak for them. I don't know who they are. Okay? But you know, if you want to assume that, to continue on with your point, I'll go along with it. Most are like me. Average middle class person has not done one fucking ounce of research for this,

but this is how we build points. This is how I build a point. Most are like me, average middle class folk who like a laugh twice a week from our favorite comedian. See this? This is laying the groundwork. I feel an overhand right coming. You have swayed my opinion on several things over the years.

Oh, Jesus. Most notably, I went from a patriot hater to someone who supports them and agrees they are unfairly scrutinized by the league and other teams. Well, isn't that amazing? So I guess if I could sway you on the amount of air that should be in a football, I could sway you on who you're going to pick for the leader of the free world. Yeah, I can, that's the same.

You know, I totally see that point. I don't think there's any sort of giant body of water that you're leaping over there. Okay, here we go. When I realized how much your opinions have influenced me, I realized how much they might influence others. Okay, here's the big failure here, buddy. Okay?

You didn't agree with me on the Patriots. I brought you around. You didn't agree with me with my political opinion on Hillary Clinton. You didn't change. You know? I think that I can bring your fucking opinion around about using those savey save, fucky fuck cards

in your everyday bullshit life. But when I think it comes down to electing the leader of the free world, I think you go a little bit beyond the Monday morning podcast, or the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, where I scream, I'm just checking in on you,

like a fucking idiot for half a minute. All right, so here he goes he goes with this see he's laid See he came out. I'm no rocket scientist self deprecating. Okay, then he goes. Hey, then he just goes well I'm gonna assume That this is what your listeners are without doing any sort of research and then I'm gonna go. Oh you swayed me on this Fucking basic bullshit horseshit shit that means absolutely nothing Therefore you could sway me on something that means you know Jesus Christ dude you walk through the mall and there's somebody sitting there going hey, buddy

Can I talk to you for a second? This is a self fan look at this you can spray some spritzer in and blah blah blah and all of a sudden you buy some little impulse buy thing Then then with your theory that guy could also get you to vote for who the fuck he wants you to vote for. Anyways, continuing on. When I realized how much your opinion influenced me, I realized how much they might influence others and how these influences might have much larger implications than the NFL.

Call me crazy, but it seems like you're going into paranoia now. After your polls said that your person was going to win, and now you're sitting there with your jaw on the ground. And now you're looking for a scapegoat. And here I am, a 48-year-old bald, pasty fucking redhead. There's an easy target. Let's go after him. I love it, buddy. Let's do it.

Fucking tar and feather me. Here we go. You have consistently and foolishly Bast-bashed Hillary so much more so much more than you have Trump hilarious, right? So much more than Trump. I have an entire chunk of material on Donald Trump and Trump was so fucking easy I felt guilty when I was on stage. I did it when I was on Conan about building the fucking wall. How ridiculous an idea that is, how much money that was going to be. I did all of that. I always called him a dope. I always called him a reality TV show star. Didn't even remotely respect him as a businessman. I said I didn't believe that he was a billionaire. I said I don't think that he could get you six grand in cash if he gave him six or seven weeks.

I thought he was completely leveraged out. I made fun of his hair. I made fun of how he didn't say anything to anybody. He never said anything. It was the most fascinating thing I've ever seen. He would go like fucking, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that, and someone would be like, how are you gonna do that?

And he would be like, oh, you'll see, you'll see. I was doing a bit in my act going, I wanna use that with my wife. Just make all these outrageous claims about what a great husband I'm gonna be, and then when she gives me shit, well, what are you gonna do to improve yourself? Oh, you'll see, you'll see.

No, you need to tell me, well, I'm not gonna give away my strategies, then you'll steal them I Did all of that? Right, and then Hillary I said that she was part of the Bilderberg group I talked about the Hillary Foundation and how they fucking been living off of that shit They threw a three million dollar wedding for their daughter all of that type of shit all of her fucking felony charges and everything Which of course all Hillary supporters are like those were unfounded They were not proven yet with fucking Donald Trump six or seven people say that he sexually assaulted them, which I fucking believe

I believe that too That girl when she went get real which I also said on the podcast and I was like dude He definitely did that shit. You didn't hear all any of this shit. Did you sir? You know why because because you got fucking blue ties stuck in your fucking ears All right, let's go continuing to blame me. All right I evidently it's so much more I trashed Hillary the entire election You have unfairly focused hate on her and at the the end of your tirade, you tack on, oh, and he's a cunt too. You don't seem to realize the influence you have on people

who listen to you twice a week, every week. Sir, you've done nothing to prove that I have influence. This is all something that you built in your head when you were hyperventilating that this fucking monster got into the office. Alright? And Hillary's a monster too. Okay?

And that right there was my oh and she's a cunt too. I didn't like either one of these people and that was my message throughout all of this. Okay? And that's just my fucking opinion, which I'm allowed to have. Aren't I? Alright. which I'm allowed to have, aren't I? All right, you most likely influenced at least one voter to vote for Donald Trump, and for that you should be fucking ashamed.

Dude, this is all fucking conspiracy theory. Because you got somebody to cast one vote for the person that I didn't vote for, you should be fucking ashamed. Because I only see the faults of the guy with the red tie, and I don't see any faults with the person with the blue blouse. All right, you are so stupid.

Here we go, this is always great to get somebody to listen to your opinion. Usually what you should do, you usually should end with the insult. Say your point and then you tag on, you fucking asshole, because then they'll at least hear your point. But if you start this, if you front end load, all right, you are so stupid that in one sentence you go from saying how they never talk about this issue or that issue, then conclude by

saying, but I haven't watched any of the debates are kept up on this at all. You fucking idiot. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You don't think that Trump supporters didn't say the same thing? They did, buddy, because I have the exact same fucking email from the other side. All right?

Which with my theory that I'll now use that also has no research behind it I would say that you guys all sort of cancelled each other out So whatever influence I had I influenced somebody the other way too So I am completely exonerated here, and if you look at the popular vote it was almost right down the fucking middle So there you go So you he calls me a fucking idiot all right? They never talk about climate change, it's something you've said on Monday. The day before the election, you have no clue what you're talking about.

Well, first of all, I said they never do. I didn't say that one or the other, so that was an even-handed one, right? She goes, Clinton has made it a major point and supports the Paris agreement Nothing I ever saw she made it a major point. She's commented on it It goes to the Paris agreement not that you even know what the fuck that is you freckled fuck Of course see this guy once again making assumptions. I know what the Paris agreement is. I've seen it on the Daily Show I saw when they all talked about it I saw when they went there and the right finally said, and I actually talked about this on the podcast, sir, when the right went there, then they finally said, okay, after denying it, they finally said global warming

does exist, but it's too late to do anything about it now. All right? I believe I compared that to when Pete Rose finally admitted that he'd been on baseball and said, now can you let me in the Hall of Fame? I distinctly remember saying that. Not that you remember that, sir, because you got your blue bonnet stuffed in your fucking ear. All right? I also actually looked up weeks ago, like when did people first start talking about

climate change? As I was driving down the street and I was listening and they were saying, you know, I drove down the street that morning and I heard that on NPR they say, scientists say the Great Barrier Reef is now dead. And then they went on to talk about the cubs, which of course struck me as funny that the whole rest of the report should have been about them. Or that swirl of trash in the Pacific Ocean and all that shit which none of these guys really talk about they do a little bit of lip service that's about it but

they're not gonna fucking do anything about it and even if they try to they can't because these corporations own them which is why I like the fucking the lunatic guys I never vote for the fucking main the lunatic guys. I never vote for the fucking main people. I don't know, whatever. Whatever, let's just plow ahead. So anyways, yeah, I actually looked it up and the first time climate change was brought up, somebody had like a theory,

was before it was even happening, was projecting that the population kept growing, that it was, the theory was that we would heat up the planet. They did that in the early 1800s. I couldn't't believe it and then there was a few more things about it I can't remember weeks ago but like in the late 50s was the first definitive paper saying since the 1950s scientists have been telling people that the pollutions and shit that we've been putting in the air or whatever like I'm not a scientist okay I am just a regular guy, but I read, they have known about it, or had the attention called to it

since the late 1950s, okay? So I'm not as, I am a moron, but I'm not as dumb as you think I am, sir, and one of the reasons why I underplay myself is because I don't want to be another fucking jerk-off who's just fucking you know getting in your fucking ear like some people in my business okay so anyways he goes Trump has said repeatedly that climate change is a hoax that was created by the Chinese he said he said it repeatedly I'm

gonna look up the internet see how many times he repeatedly said that. Usually when people say repeatedly it means it's a quote that somebody said like seven years ago. One time. All right. And yet you blindly and ignorantly spew your unfounded bullshit. Dude, you just defined this podcast. Why are you acting like this is meet the press? He goes, I'm not a genius. Oh, he's back to being humble again. I'm not a genius as you call me a fucking idiot, all right? I'm not a political scientist.

Now he's doing humble pie. He's got his hands up. But I took just a few hours out of my life to research both of their positions on crucial issues and get an understanding of them. Oh yeah, I never did that. I didn't do that at all And I'm not the one speaking to thousands of people twice a week You should truly be horrified at the thought you had anything to do with this fucking train wreck

I love how you do you do you think that Hillary has any responsibility? For the campaign that she ran? I mean, from day one, her campaign could not use an unbelievable asset, which was former President Bill Clinton. Because of all of the shit show that that guy was, both professionally and in his personal life. Her husband, it was a former president that was wildly popular.

She couldn't even use the guy because of all the fucking skeletons in his fucking closet. You know? And together they both had skeletons, you know? It's a very polarizing candidate that you picked. And I thought in key moments, you know, where she really could have come up with something clever to say she didn't have it.

Look, sir, be honest with me. What really gets you into office? Your policy or playing the saxophone on fucking Arsenio Hall? Or not sticking your head out of a tank and looking like a fucking dope or getting too excited and going, yeah, I mean, that's the kind of shit that brings people down more so than anything else. And dude, that's not my fault if you want to fucking blame me for that, but that is the truth.

So you can actually win an election like he just saw that fucking dope Trump do without saying a fucking thing, but being good at trashing somebody's fucking shirt which is basically how he got in. Promising a bunch of shit not saying what he was going to do and then you go look at that guy down there he's fucking clueless and everybody just laughing. Hillary didn't have any of that she had no fucking swagger she just... dude I remember when she did that hot sauce moment on that fucking radio show, and the host was going, everybody that was African American,

and she goes, what's your favorite, you know, what's your go-to thing, what do you always carry around with you? And she said hot sauce, which evidently was true. Okay, but it immediately looked like she was pandering, and the guy said, are you just trying to pander? Sounds to me like you're just trying to pander to black people. And rather than just saying like, no, man, I like it.

I've been blah, blah, blah, blah. She goes, is it working? I mean, why the fuck would you say that? Why would you say it? And when I saw her say that, I immediately just assume I said she's she is pandering And then people were going like well actually it's true, and then I looked it up And I go oh it is fucking true But still this is the thing if I was really in the fucking hot sauce

And I was fucking running and I was on an all-black radio station. I wouldn't have brought it up Because it would have looked like pandering and then if I did bring it up sorry about my voice I saw you go through puberty here Even if I did brought it up that I would have been like pandering. And then if I did bring it, I'm sorry about my voice, I saw you roll through puberty here. Even if I did brought it up, then I would have been honest about it. Been like, no, I know, it sounds like I'm pandering. But there are some crossover things. I actually really enjoy it.

So, you mean, you got, she has to take some sort of the responsibility that, you know, she couldn't beat this fucking nitwit. All right, over 300 of the top economists Not saying that she's not an evil cunt, too Over 300 the top economists including eight Nobel Laureates came together to say I don't know if I said that right that a Trump presidency would mean turmoil in the American And as a result the world's economy over

oil in the American, and as a result, the world's economy. Over 350 of the best scientists in the world came together to say his presidency would be a disaster for the entire planet because of his dangerous stance on climate change, not to mention Russia literally threw a party in the parliament building as soon as Trump was elected. That actually, I'm happy. I like when Russia and the United States are on friendly fucking terms. It would be nice that we're not going in a direction To fucking keep pointing missiles at one another

And you know for as much as Al Gore Al Gore I loved his stance on climate change. He wasn't able to get a fucking thing done He wasn't able to stop it. He wanted to fucking, you get a few policies in there. They just ignore it. And these guys, they're only in there for 48 years. They just wait them out. I remember when Al Gore wanted to have a car that got 100 miles to a gallon.

I was excited. I was in my 20s. I wanted to buy the car. They just kept delaying it and delaying it and delaying it. And then they got out of office. Al didn't beat Bush and then they just scrapped it and it was fucking over. And that's what they do because they don't give a shit. Al didn't beat Bush and then they just scrapped it and it was fucking over and that's what they do

because they don't give a shit. They don't give a shit. You honestly think Hillary Clinton would have stopped global warming? If you talk, all those 350 scientists that are all experts, you know what else they've said? They said it's too late. It was too late by the 1980s.

It was, or something in the 90s. It's been too late. It's fucking, it's almost like not even a fucking issue anymore I mean it is an issue But the only way to do it was we would we would all have to fucking go back to living like cavemen and 90% of us would have to die and just kind of sit there and not do jumping jacks to add to the fucking heat and hope This thing could heal itself other than that. I don't know what the fuck you're gonna do and hope this thing could heal itself. Other than that, I don't know what the fuck you're gonna do. Because everybody's running around just having to get a flat screen TV in every fucking room.

You know? I love how it's like the political candidates are responsible for it. It's like, we're just as responsible as anybody else, aren't we? I don't know. Jesus Christ, this is like Meet the Press here. Anyway, so the next time you open that stupid fucking freckle-crusted mouth, this guy's like more enlightened than me, by the way, you open that stupid fucking freckle-crusted mouth, this guy's like more enlightened than me, by the way, remember your words have power. You are an influential person, whether you want to believe it or not.

I don't expect you to read this tirade on the podcast, but I hope you read it and realize what a fool you've been. Why? Because I don't agree with you. Because you have all of this admittedly that none of this was researched? If he just did 45 minutes of research, earlier you told me a couple hours, you could see that yes, Hillary made mistakes with the email and Benghazi. She made mistakes, okay, but nothing she ever did was criminal. Exactly.

All right. Well, Trump, he made some mistakes with women. But none of it was ever criminal or he would have been fucking in jail, right? He would have been brought up on charges, right? The charges would have stuck. You can do the same thing. You're going to completely

and I like how you don't bring up the fucking Hilary Foundation or any of that type of shit either. Or any of the other fucking all that other whatever, the fucking white water all of that type of shit either. Or any of the other fucking, all that other whatever, the fucking white water, all of that fucking crap. You don't bring up any of that shit. You don't bring up the fact that they're both worth hundreds of millions of fucking dollars.

And that's not a red flag to you. These down to earth Democrats, who are men of the people, they're worth a couple hundred million dollars. The presidency pays 500 grand a year. How do they do it? And don't give me that horse shit about, they give political speeches. The fucking political speeches that they give, okay?

Can you at least agree with me on this, sir? That is just, that's just those people washing their bribe money. Those are the people that put them in office, and then they go back and they give a speech, and they give them 300 grand, 250 grand to speak there for him. Give me a fucking break All right All right, so there that's his fucking thing. So he thinks i'm a moron and I got trump to be fucking elected

Okay. Now now here's somebody the exact opposite Uh bill you really are uneducated on trump bill. You need to run away from the progressives. This person thinks I'm a progressive liberal. Listen to the exact same podcast, sir. Move the fuck out of California or whatever liberal spot you're living in. Now, this is what I can tell you immediately, is the last person who wrote this email is not listening to this at all. It's just, he's already yelling at his fucking windshield about what a dope this guy is. He goes, I just heard your podcast about your the tearful Democrats

Yeah, he listened to my podcast and he thinks that I'm a progressive liberal and for instance you had no clue Who is going to pay for the wall? Dude? I've said all along. I have no clue. I Don't know shit about football. I watch fucking Patriots Seattle. I can't name half the fucking people. All right, here we go. You have no true, this is the funniest thing I've ever, one of the funny things I've read. You have no clue who's going to pay for the wall. Trump had a hundred rallies where he asked the audience, who's going to pay for the wall? And everyone would shout Mexico. Do you realize sir that all you were doing was just repeating what he

said was going to happen but he never said how we would get Mexico? Sir just imagine you didn't like your next-door neighbor okay and you were sick of him cutting across your lawn or whatever the fuck he was doing. You know, cutting across the corner of your lawn and making the grass go flat and you were fucking sick of it. Now let me ask you this. Let's say you decided to build a wall and you decided that he was gonna pay for it. How would you go about doing that? about doing that. Exactly. Now let's move it up to a fucking country level. So we're gonna build this wall and we're gonna, how are we, how is he gonna make

Mexico pay for it? And if you tell me it's only a guess, because as far as I watched he never said how. Economic sanctions, you going to pressure them into fucking doing it ok anyways here we go how is it that those mobs mobs great word dude are more educated than you who the fuck is saying that the benefit of the walls will be jobs who are you listening to and who said Trump doesn't want health care he's been really left on health care saying people with no insurance should be able to get treatment and care from way back when he was running in the primaries. See, now this guy thinks Trump is left on this.

See, this is why. This is why, sir, the first person that you think I had influence, it's like people just hear the podcast. You guys already have your fucking minds made up And then you listen to the podcast Okay, and you it's like watching a football game, and you're listening to Chris Collins worth I met him one time when I did on inside the NFL Chris Collins worth goes everybody thinks I hate their fucking team and Like the other team better

And this is what you guys are doing with this podcast, alright? You guys are listening to this shit, you lean left or you lean right, and when I trash your guy, you think I'm only trashing your man or woman, and I'm trashing it more than the other people, and then if and when your person loses,

you then blame my podcast. Alright? You guys went out and you voted for who the fuck you wanted to vote for, and you listened to the information that you wanted to listen to, and you listened to whatever the fuck you were receptive to that vibed in your life, which is the exact reason why, when I was doing this bit on stage talking about

Trump supporters going, how can you support this guy? He's got people openly yelling the N-word at his rallies. There's video of that. Doesn't that bother you? And this is what they would say. Well, you know, I'm not, I'd said this on Conan. They would be like, you know, I'm not, I'm not into that, I'm not into that.

But Hillary, and what it is, is what tracks for people is what's gonna affect their fucking life. And unfortunately, when it comes to fucking racism, it doesn't track with white people because it's not a factor in their life. And unfortunately when it comes to fucking racism it doesn't track with white people because it's not a factor in their life. White people are not victims of racism despite the fact they say that they are when they talk about like affirmative action that that's racist because they don't understand that the reason why affirmative action came about was because racist white people would not hire people who were not white

So they literally had to come up with the law to force white people to give other people a chance And then what people do is they just look at that moment They don't look at the history of it. They just look right then and there so I don't know I think that Look, I understand that right now believe me Do I understand going to comedy shows and seeing the way the fucking crowd is reacting that this is a very volatile fucking time This guy goes on to talk about how fucking People thought Republicans were being dramatic when they said no to World War three vote Trump

but the Democratic National the DNC I don't what the fuck it stands for, forced Russia to, why isn't it DNP, Democratic National Party? Make my life easier. Forced Russia to dump tons of money into hypersonic nuclear missiles. They have these fucking hypersonic carriages that can hold 16 nuclear warheads, that they can penetrate our missile shields, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit. Reputable scholars were saying that we're moving towards World War III if you elect Hillary. Now they're all changing their tune, thanks to President Trump, former host of The Apprentice.

Get on board with Trump. Your annoying voice should be on our side. See, he doesn't think I'm fucking on his side. You don't think I'm on your side. Both of you have scholars and scientists that say your point of view is right, because what you guys do is you go to I'm right.com and you memorize a bunch of horse shit. And then when your person doesn't win, you then fucking blame a podcast. So there you go. I don't know what to tell you guys. I respect both of your opinions. I don't agree on either

one of them. I usually don't say who I vote for guys. I respect both of your opinions. I don't agree on either one of them. I usually don't say who I vote for because I think it's a private matter, but I did not vote for either one of them. I voted for somebody else. Bernie wasn't on the ballot. I voted for somebody else that I thought was the best candidate,

not who the fuck I thought was going to win. And I think that's a major problem is that people don't want what's right, they want to win. So they will go with a candidate that is a warmonger, or a fucking racist, or a corrupt piece of shit, and they don't give a fuck, as long as they're wearing the right fucking color tie. All right, and now I'm done.

All right, let's do some advertising, everybody. But I do have to say this is let's just say whatever Trump is gonna do All it's doing for me, you know, he appoints this guy and he's got this fucking past where he allegedly said something about Jews You know wasn't proven or whatever But he's got this fucking background. Like all that does for me, it just inspires me to become more of a fucking understanding person and try to listen to people. And as long as you just take that, like, that attitude,

you know, I really don't think a president should make up your mind on who you should be afraid of, and what we need to do and what these people are gonna do to us or what they're not gonna do to us just because they fucking said it. I don't listen to that. What I like to do is I listen to what the president says and then I go to the country and I go to their fucking thing

and I try to find some English story about what the fuck they're saying about us and then I try to figure some English story about what the fuck they're saying about us and then I try to To figure out what the middle is All right, I don't know. I don't give a shit. What color your fucking tie is All right So white people if you're nervous Okay Liberal whites if you're really a fucking good liberal white, you'll become even more

fucking understanding of people that aren't white and that are going to, you know, bear the brunt of what this guy might fucking do. I think it's your responsibility to become even more understanding. You know what I mean? And stop making everything about yourself and your fucking world. Because the mainstream is already about that. All right? There you go.

I'm off mic. You can take that, take it or don't. You know, it's up to fucking you. All right? But I don't want you, I don't want to hear you crying about somebody taking your fucking ... I can't stand listening to white people talking about, oh, they're taking the country away from us. It's like if you looked at a fucking census you idiot, you know, you're fine

Okay, all the water parks they're made for you. No one gives a second look when you show up like what's what's his element doing here? They're excited you there and within two seconds. There's someone in a mascot outfit fucking hugging you. There you go. All right, you're gonna be fine All right Driving your four-wheer on your property. Alright, anyways, that's sort of the podcast. Here's another thing, like, you know, I travel a lot, so I get to talk to all of these fucking people out there. And I know somebody that voted for Trump and was like,

I think it's exciting, I think it's exciting that he's gonna be president. Obviously, he's a white dude. He's excited, right? And this is the same guy, he said Obama's a white dude. He's excited, right? And this is the same guy He said Obama's a fucking idiot All right, which you're free to say that you think he's a fucking idiot, but you can watch fucking Donald Trump I'm gonna do it. Oh, it's just it just I don't know. That's what I learned traveling this country It's just people here what the fuck they want to hear

All right lingerie. Let's let's get off politics politics I'll give you guys a breather here all right but uh please guys just stop fucking yelling at each other all right it's just stop blaming everybody and just fucking be human beings here all right let's be honest with you Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are not out for you or for me they're out there for themselves and that's why they're worth hundreds of billions of dollars make no no mistake, alright? Fucking show up in a radio station with your hot sauce for what, just during the campaign and where the fuck you gonna be the rest of the time? You're gonna be in the

White House buying up fucking land on aqua first. Alright, hey Billy Nipple Slip, I recently started dating this girl and we've been messing around for a few months now. Congratulations, she's pretty cool and a really sweet girl and sex is great with her. All right, trifecta. However, she's been doing a lot of lingerie shopping and wants me to go with her one day so we can shop for her lingerie together. Personally, I never got the point of lingerie nor am I a big fan of it. Really? You just like when they just show up with like your fucking old basketball shorts on you're one of those guys as long as there's a pussy

underneath it I don't give a fuck. Alright personally I never got the bouquet didn't see the point of buying something that was meant for you to take off almost immediately after you put it on. Alright sir, this is the thing about, alright so you're, you're, you're one of those no foreplay guys. Alright, if you really want to take it to the next level dude, like you ever, you ever make a meal for somebody and you set it down and you turn your back to the stove to set the pan back down and when you look back they're already halfway done with it and you're like what the fuck did I do all that work for?

Um, I would let her buy that. It makes her feel sexy, right? And then, you know, gets her all even into the, you know, the mood a little bit more. Tell them you do it. You're striking me as somebody who never takes the downtown six, if you know what I mean. He just fucking rips the clothes off, puts her on her back, fucking rolls off, turns on the fucking TV. All right, also, I'm not that great at faking my reaction when her or her girls have broke out their sexy lingerie and I'm unenthused by it. You know what, dude?

You're an asshole. You really are an asshole. And that could be a good thing. You're gonna get what you want in life, but you're gonna miss out on a lot in life. It's even got me in a great, got me in trouble a couple times. The girls I've been dating for the most part have been pretty sexy, but when it comes to lingerie, I just think it makes things awkward That is the most overused word on the planet. It's the default emotion of these this entire fucking world now I don't even know what the word means anymore. It's been applied to everything. Everything's awkward. I don't know what that means Same goes for things like sexting role-playing

Same goes for things like sexting, role playing, vagin, tit picks, and anything else that kind of puts you on the spot for things involving sex. Is it weird that that stuff does nothing for me? No, it isn't, but it shouldn't make the other person feel like an asshole. Should I try to do my best to... You know what? I preempt... I shouldn't have called you an asshole this early because now you're asking questions. All right, I apologize, I'm wrong.

All right, I should, should I try my best to continue pretending that my wiener isn't shriveling up like a sock? When you pull the strings out, the strings out of it, oh, the lingerie. Huge fan of the podcast, I haven't, if you haven't yet, please come out. I'm not gonna say where he's from, just in case his fucking girlfriend recognizes this. You know, dude, you could just kind of go along with it a little bit.

Like, look, I think, like, just saying you're not into sexting and role playing and shit, that's like next level shit. If you're not into that, that's fine. Okay? But lingerie, I think, is a simple thing you could put a happy face on. I mean, as much as guys think the lingerie is for them, and for the most part the way women dress, like guys, oh look at her, she's hot, she wants it. I mean, they're dressing for themselves. They like to look pretty, right? It makes them feel good.

So I think, hey, Nick, can you come in for a second? She's giving me a look here. Come here. Oh, Jesus. She literally walked by, stopped and looked at me. All right, so this guy, this guy is, oh my God, it's 10.36. I gotta get off my fucking day.

So this guy, could you look less enthused? Yeah, you shot me a look. I thought that meant you wanted to come in. I'm just listening, but go on. What are you, Henry Hill? I'm just listening. What do you want me to say? Am I my wife two times me?

Alright, so this guy, he's with this great girl. She's fucking cool, she's sexy, the sex is great, but she's into wearing sexy lingerie. It does nothing for him. She wants to fucking, him to go along on it, and like, he thinks it's just stupid. So she puts it on and she fucking pulls the strings, like, ba-da-da-boo, and he said I'm supposed to sit there I act like my dick is not shriveling up like a sock. What? What should I do? He doesn't think lingerie is sexy? He's just done it.

He goes, I don't understand the point of just buying that, and I'm just going to take it off like two seconds later. OK. It makes her feel good. Just go along with it. It's not going to kill you. That's my advice. Yeah.

It's fine. Just go along with it. Now he said, what about sexting, vag, and titty pics? He goes, I'm not into any of that or role playing. You are so boring, whoever wrote this in. You are. He's really just, it's like a job. You're fucking prude and you're so boring.

Loosen up a little bit. Send a dick pic to your girlfriend. No, that's a bad idea. Yeah, I mean you probably should. Yeah, you never send any of that shit because it exists forever. Yeah, he'd be the one person, it would come back to haunt him somehow,

so maybe don't do that. But just open your mind a little bit, it sounds like you're in a little sexual box and maybe you need to- No pun intended. No pun intended. And maybe you need to break out of this box. But yeah, here's the thing explore something different and you know Here's the thing on the dick pic near okay people think okay

I'm gonna send a dick pic to you from my phone to your phone. Mm-hmm. Just think of the journey that thing takes My dick goes to outer space. Yeah goes off a satellite and comes back down God knows how much shit is between that and that I mean how many miles that thing just travel? My dick goes to outer space, goes off a satellite, and comes back down. God knows how much shit is between that and that. How many miles does that thing just travel? To think that that's just going to go there. Then if you're on Twitter, or they say, we want permission to have access to your photos. I never say yes, it's like you can have access to this photo. You know? Yeah, I mean. All of a sudden somebody, you know,

your avatar's your dick pic. Somebody else's avatar's your dick pic. You have to send the dick pic, delete the dick pic, and then ask that person to delete the dick pic too. No, you never send pics. You just don't send pics very. What you do is say, where are you?

I'll show it to you live. Like in the old days. In color. Yeah, like the old days. No satellite dick pics. Yeah. But yeah, in terms of this guy, I think he should just kind of open his mind a little bit.

Like I said, he seems a little prudish. And that's fine. You don't have to like lingerie and all that. But I mean, if your girl's into it and you like her and she likes lingerie, like, man, what's the problem? You know, just, like I said, it's not going to kill and you like her and she likes lingerie, like, hey, what's the problem? You know, just, like I said, it's not gonna be really good. I don't see any problem with, how do you not like lingerie?

I don't know, that's what I'm saying. It's boring as fuck. I'm saying, he wants to show up wearing his basketball shorts. He's just like, just be naked. That's what I was saying. You know, I was comparing it to, like, you know when you cook somebody a meal

and they eat it in two seconds, you're just like, dude,'s like dude fuck like you do But not in the bedroom oh I do wolf down food you do huh, but That's not the only thing you wolf Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Nia Why would you say that? No. That's disgusting.

You take your time. A woman in your condition. In my condition, speaking this way. Speaking this way. That's terrible. What if other people were to hear it? I know. What would they think?

What would they think? All right. That's the podcast here. That's it? That's it. Oh. Oh, no? Well, you got me here now.

Well, I gotta go edit my special. I gotta see how my... Especial. Especial. Where I trash both Hillary and Trump. And still get shit for it. Yeah, no, and then Trump... You can't win. No, you can't win, and that's why I never... I don't tell people who to vote for, and I... But I mean, it is...

Like, you know, it's going on, so I'm going to fucking talk about it, because it's fun, it's fun to shit on them. But like, I think this one, people are so upset that their person didn't get in, that now they're looking to blame. So evidently, the Monday Morning Podcast has the ability to sway a presidential election. Right, well, you know, you do have a platform,

and you have to use it responsibly. I'm gonna start using this platform. I think it's time everybody buys me a new car. This will be good for America. Yeah, it's completely ridiculous. People know who the fuck they're gonna vote for. Yeah. And then...

I think it just needs some time to... I don't know. I don't know if anyone's ever going to be fully okay with what just happened, but... Oh, Trump supporters are totally okay. Oh yeah, they're great. They're totally okay with it. They feel good right now, yeah, but oh well. I'm glad she's fucking gone, but I'm not happy that he's here. There was a lose-lose situation.

It's definitely depressing, no matter how you slice it. It's fucking depressing. But life goes on. It has to. Yeah, and you know something? I don't think people should just fucking... It doesn't change who you're going to be as a person. Yeah.

I think, if anything, you just do what people are saying. You stay here and you pay attention to what's going on and you support the causes that mean a lot to you and just put all your effort behind that. I feel like that's the way to really make change. Should you not move to Canada? No, they don't want us. That was another funny thing too where they all acted like that they were going to be so accepting.

Yeah, Canada doesn't fucking want us. I feel like it's really arrogant to just be like, oh, I'm just going to move to Canada. Canada's like, oh, okay, do I have any say in this? Why do I become the place that you come to after your country made a horrible decision? I know, but these are some of the great artistic minds on the planet would be gracing their country with their songs and their stand-up comedy. They should be happy. They should welcome them with open arms.

OK, well. You know the ones, I like the celebrities, who are like, today my heart is, tonight my heart cries, but tomorrow I fight. And they get the little fucking muscle thing there. It's like, you probably go to your personal trainer first. I would think Maybe have your personal chef make you guilty of that. I put on Twitter that way I cried But I felt hopeful because I did I've never cried after an election before and I did but I'm done crying

I'm over crying and I'm ready to move forward You know You're gonna I'm just pictures move forward. You know, are you going to... What? I'm just picturing somebody crying with their fucking downtown to ocean views. Like, what's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to me? Um, yeah.

Isn't it like midterm elections or something come up like a year and a half or something like that? And it's going to go the other way? Yeah, no, we'll see what happens in four years, if he gets re-elected or somebody else comes along. I don't even know how. I don't even understand how the process works. I'm going to keep throwing that out there,

because it annoys that fucking Clinton supporter. Can Bernie run again in four years, do you think? No, Bernie cannot win, because he's not owned by the same seven corporations that you need to be owned by. I'm just throwing seven out there. What if he comes back and he runs in four years against Trump? I would say the media will, the left media will fucking take him out again.

They'll tell you, but can he win? Can he really win? That's what they did. They fucked him over. They fucked him over and they left us with this polarizing person and then she fucking lost and Now people are all going what the fuck happened and they're blaming podcasts It's my fault. It's my fault Trump got in also. It's also my fault Have you done this this fucking Trump supporter guy goes like you sitting there talking about the cost of the wall

How can you be so ignorant about the cost of the wall? He goes, the mobs of people that show... That must have been... It's so fucking dumb. I actually think somebody, Democratic supporters sent it in. He said, every time he said it, who's going to pay for the wall? The whole mob would yell, Mexico. How can you be so dumb that you didn't realize that? Now that I'm saying that again, I think that someone was trolling me there. I can't believe someone was that dumb. Well, but Trump said that. He was like, we're going to build a wall, and Mexico's going to pay for it. I know.

Who would be dumb enough to think that you can make another country pay for your shit? We're going to build a wall to keep you out, and you're going to pay for it. I was saying that would be like, if you didn't like your next door neighbor and you built a wall, then you sent him a bill. And he'd be like, ah, make a paper airplane

and just throw it back over. I have no idea how he plans on enforcing that. I guess we'll see. You know what I do love is the First Lady has fake tits. How do we know they're fake? I thought they were. They were just too round. How would you possibly know that?

I don't know that. I don't know that, I don't know anything. I don't know anything. I mean, I've said that for fucking years. Yeah, that's true. He has put it out there that he doesn't know what he's talking about. The president has a trophy wife. It's fucking hilarious. He's on his third one.

Hey, if you fucking act up, don't even think you're gonna be sitting here picking out Plates during my second term lady. His wife like doesn't even I don't know she doesn't even like register for me I mean, yeah, she's beautiful and all that but I don't really care I like that she plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech, which I think is really related to the Millennials The way they curate, youate shit that they didn't do onto their Facebook pages and YouTube pages and fucking make all this money off of stuff

that they didn't really do. Oh, you mean like sharing of memes and things? Sharing of stand-up specials and music and videos, shit that they didn't do and they just take it. I thought that was very millennial of her. Oh, grandpa. Is that what the young people do? Yeah, that is what they do. Oh I fucking hate how you just exonerated all of them from stealing all that shit

Those specials cost me a bunch of fucking money and everybody just takes anyone should steal your special and are downloaded illegally Of course, I don't believe that they should do that. Yeah, you have to understand that you have a platform on this should do that. Yeah, you have to understand that you have a platform on this podcast. All of those people that were already doing it anyways, there's now a bunch of others that are now going to do it because you said it was okay. Hey, you know what's weird is the windscreen is red. Maybe I am a Trump supporter. Oh, maybe so. Maybe that was a subconscious decision on your part. I like the orange one, but Cleo ate it. It reminded me of fucking ABC's Wild World of Sports with Jim McKay.

Who knew you were an elephant? You seemed like a jackass to me. Nothing? Oh, I didn't get it. Oh, I didn't get it. Those are the animals, right? Oh, Jesus. Democrats are really donkeys.

Why would they pick that? I don't know. There's a reason behind it. We just haven't Wikipedia yet. It did googled it. Well, I'm sure someone will tell me why Preempting it. Hey you fucking moron All right, that's the podcast. I'm sorry for Donald Trump Next time I will try to I Haven't made up my mind who I want to be president yet The next time I think I'm already over Trump. Mm-hmm, and I will figure it out

Yeah, I hope so. So this doesn't happen again you fucking Election rigor you rigor you. All right, that's it. I got it. I got a fucking upload this shit I gotta go edit my goddamn specials. This is gonna be the worst fucking thing ever. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Anything Better podcast. NFL edition for week number Holy shit guys, week 11, dude. I'm Paul Verzi over here.'s Bill Burr over there we got Jake what do you say there what do you say there we got Jake the snake we got Andrew Thamless and we have another this actually I don't really I don't really I glanced at these I didn't look but I saw a couple and I go don't like that you can't miss. You're fucking unconscious. For those not paying attention, Paul Verzi went 4-0. Still early.

This is how much Paul Verzi's crushing it. He's humble. He has crushed it for so many weeks in a row. He's out of shit to talk. Speaking of crushed it, congratulations on Saturday Night Live, because you, my friend, crushed it. I had a great time.

I had a great time. Dude, that cast is ridiculous. That cast is fucking ridiculous. They are so funny and everybody's in their own lane, so there's room for everybody. You could have seen some of the shit that we didn't even do. There was a sketch we didn't get to this one. And we were going to do with Heidi Gardner about river, uh, white water rafting.

It's she's just, she's, she's so funny, but the one that got me, the one that got me dude. And I don't really laugh that I grew up on Saturday night live and there takes a couple to get me like, I gotta, you gotta get me cause of all the brilliance I've seen. Dude, the shit where you were a fireman and you were looking at Mike Wazowski's ass and then and then you go, all right, all right. You go, all right, dude, come on, come on. I got this one. I got this one.

And she goes, what is it? You go, I don't blue his dad with a ball gag in his mouth, dude. I that was so it was so ridiculous and fucking and she goes, that's getting snuck up all week. I was looking at that one going like, I don't know. Oh, I don't know. She goes, that's what you got from that. And it was like a butterfly. I think that's what it was because I couldn't see what they

were cutting back and forth to so. So when they open with that one, I was like, oh, all right, I guess I'm seeing that one wrong. And then we did it in front of the crowd and it murdered. Oh, dude. When the one kid goes, I don't know, it's just the other fireman. He goes, I don't know, just like a blur, a blob. And she goes, what about you? And you go, Mike Wazowski holding his ass. Hey, he's holding his little green ass there. It's great. All right, guys, before we get in- I like the bald guys. The bald guys was fun. Just singing and acting like an idiot was fun.

The whole thing was fun. Yeah, that's awesome, man. Well, congratulations, buddy. You crushed. Okay, before we get into the show, we have to shout out our BedMGM sponsor, guys. It's the best sponsor. We love working with these guys.

BedMGM is offering 1500 in free bets to get your season going. How do you get this offer? You just download the BetMGM Sportsbook app to your device and you use our code, the Anything Better code. It's Burr, B-U-R-R, very easy. You sign up and you deposit at least $10 into your BetMGM Sportsbook account. You place your first wager and receive up to $1,500 in bonus bets if your bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonuses will be available once your initial wager is settled. Very easy. And also guys, we have the first touchdown offer. Here's how this one works. Simply place a prop bet on a player to score the first touchdown in any NFL game. If that doesn't happen, but in fact, they score the second touchdown. You still win. There you go. Um, yeah, if I'm watching this at home, I'm just taking your picks, dude. Well, look, some guys call

that is being hot. And then there's Paul Versey. And I can't even say October anymore. October in November, you went three and one three and one three and one three and one three and one four and oh, no, it was it was three and one, three and one, three and one, three and one, three and one, four and oh. No, it was, uh, it was three and one, three and one, two and two, three and one, three and one, four and oh, but I was eight back and now I'm six up. So one of our fans goes, Verzi, you're putting my kid through school. I said, Hey, go easy.

Okay. Um, dude, are the Cincinnati Bengals coming back? Is Joe Burrow coming back? Paul, I haven't seen a second of football. I saw the Dolphins game. I haven't watched any. I was overseas and then I was doing the show last week. So I don't know what's going on.

I know the Kansas City still undefeated and I feel like they should have lost that game and the fact that they didn't they figured out a way to win it they got a shot but dude they got to put like fuck the 72 Dolphins I mean 17 to know it was the perfect season back that 17 to know gets you out of the regular season. See, telling me the Chiefs have to go 20 and 0. Wait, so what was regular season back then? 14? Was 14 games. Oh, okay.

Was 14 games. And then when we went, we went 18 and 0, we won one more game than them, but lost to you guys. And then for some reason, they're still considered a better team. Yeah. Like, you know, a bunch of white guys on defense, like, give me a fucking break with this. No, I was in Toronto.

I was in Toronto watching, and the Buccaneers had them. The Buccaneers had the Chiefs. And then I looked, and I go, oh, no. I go, there's a minute 40. I go, this is going to overtime, or the Chiefs are going to figure it out. And they did. But real quick, I got one for you.

Best meal you had in Paris this time. Ooh, that's a tough one. Dude, I had the best Italian dish of my life in Paris. I actually, this is another thing too. There was right next to our apartment, Don L'Isisare des Mommes Miser, was this oyster place was right next to our apartment and we walked by. My wife is just like the way she moves through life, she's like vibes.

So she just saw the place and like I'm looking at it's an oyster place. She's looking at it going like that's lunchtime and it's mobbed in here So she walked in and then goes hey, what's the story supposed to like you need a reservation? She goes even during lunch and they were like, yeah, she's like, alright that spots the spot and we went there dude And it didn't even make sense Didn't even make sense and I'll tell you something else Which is why I'm so depressed about this fucking election is both of these idiots ran and neither one of them brought up our fucking food supply. Dude, I was over there. I had a potato that was an afterthought. We were eating the fish eggs. I always forget if that's escargot or caviar.

Caviar. I'm an idiot, dude. I thought escargot and caviar was the same thing. So something like that. No, it's snails, right? Nails. I didn't know that. Dude, that's got to be with snails, right? Snails, I didn't know that. Dude, it's like eating a fucking butter and garlic gasket. It's like they took a fucking washer. Dude, it's a slug without the shell, it's gross.

Yeah, it's unreal. So yeah, dude, they seasoned the shit out of that thing. They add heat to it, everything, trying to make you feel like you're not eating a fucking piece of gum off a sidewalk. So we were eating this escargot, right? Oh, Billy Fancy Pants in Paris eating escargot. I mean, who am I, Paul?

Who am I? I'm telling shit jokes over here. What do I know? So as part of the thing, you know, sort of like a plate filler because the eggs are so small, they just had this little round, it was like this big, like the size, not even the size of a golf ball. And they had a little little seasoning on top of it. Dude, it was so good. I was upset. I'm like, this is what a fucking potato is supposed to taste like. Dude, they did this country, dude, I'm telling you, it like if if we could just turn

around the food supply, can we just do that? Can we just do that now that like TV celebrities are going to be running? Dude, this guy gets elected and I'm seeing fucking the guy from The Apprentice, Dr. Phil and the Tesla guy. I'm just waiting for Eric Estrada to show up in his chips outfit. I'm gonna be running the economy. Dude, Stacey and I went to a Michelin star French restaurant by our house. And I don't know if you like anchovies, but I'm a sucker for anchovies, dude.

Dude, they came, these anchovies from Spain came this long on bread with a little butter thing on it. Dude, I bite it and I just sat back and I just pointed to it. That's why I love Italians, what you guys can communicate with no words. I still remember, I gotta recreate this. I don't have a cigar. Just imagine I have a cigar in my mouth

and we were going to some college football game. These fucking pieces, this fucking apple, can you give me an extension cord that makes it to the fucking wall in my desk? You fucking greedy cunts. Dude, you were sitting there and I was describing about how much, you know, smoking a cigar, blah blah blah. I go, dude, I was trying to like explain how great it was as an Irish guy and you were sitting there, you had it in your mouth, get ready to light it and as you listen to it you just go and that meant like over it's over and you had this fucking hat on and I was just like uh everything I was trying to say you just did with you with your hand remember that we were in Tampa and I just started laughing I yeah you said it and I just went like this. There you go.

All right, Bill, well you have the honors this week, my friend. You are up first. By the way, dude, can I tell you something? I hate Michelin star restaurants. Yeah. It's the process. Yeah. To fucking get in there. Oh my God. To get a fucking table and then you get in there and then the waiter has to come over and tell you every fucking ingredient and you just sit there like, dude, I came here because I was hungry, not because I wanted to listen to a speech. Yeah. Okay, this is our fucking salmon, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The salmon comes from the Dushi River. There's a crusty fucking bread that for three days we did this with it. I said, I don't give a fuck what you. I'm not listening to any of this. Yeah. Yeah. I'm smelling this. I want to eat it. Shut up. I got, yeah. My buddy goes, dude, he goes, I went to the greatest restaurant on

the planet in Copenhagen. He goes, it was 27 courses. And I go, yeah, it was one of them, a rock with moss on it and a little thing? And he goes, yeah. I did one of those one time in Norway. It looked like we weren't like somebody's fucking house. I started drinking that night. I had like I was a year off and I was just so fucking just sitting there like I can't do it.

It's like death by a thousand little cuts. They just kept bringing these things and he's in and I it was something weird, like just how they view cheese. Like it was towards the end and like the cheese was like the dessert. I mean cheese. And then dude it was just like fucking, it was the rankest. Oh. Oh dude it was like this is uh, it was awful. Alright let me something. I'm going to go with the Seahawks. Oh, Billy loves Seahawks. No, I just like a division rivalry game. I feel like they're playing great. I like their quarterback.

I just liked that he got a shot finally. And he's getting points. I like the points, six and a half. Six and a half division rivalry, the 49ers. I don't know if they're banged up or whatever but I felt like the Buccaneers played with them last week. Dude does anybody get held more than Bosa in the fucking league? No.

Every time I watch the game he's got both his hands up and some guys got his hands full of his fucking shirt. Nobody's doing anything. That guy gets...dude the Super Bowl was a ridiculous example of that. Oh my god that guy was inside his jersey. Uh, all right. Bill's got Seattle. I don't know, dude.

I'd be honest with you. I really hate this fucking week. I'm gonna go. Four and O. That's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go three and one. Oh, we gotta get Jake the Snake in here. Jake the Snake, what do we got injury wise?

And Bill could take that back if there's God forbid something with Seattle. What do we got to get Jake the snake in here. Jake the snake. What do we got injury wise? And Bill could take that back if there's, God forbid, something with Seattle. What do we got? Jake, by the way, just got back from a wonderful weekend at the playboy club. They just reopened it in Chicago because they realized there's men like him in the world again. Absolutely right. Um, um, um, well, Trevor Lawrence is going to be out again. Um, they announced that yesterday. So, I mean, Detroit's already the biggest favorite on the board. Well, Trevor Lawrence is going to be out again.

They announced that yesterday. So, I mean, Detroit's already the biggest favorite on the board. So I don't know if that's like something you were picking anyway. And then I saw the Darnold is questionable with the hand injury kind of explains why he was so bad last week. And then and the Bills have a couple of injuries that receiver with Amari Cooper. So those are kind of the big ones that caught my eye Hopefully nothing else changes. Is there a reason the bills is there a reason the bills are favored over the Chiefs? I Wondered me and my friends were wondering the same thing

Money on both sides of the line, so always remember that I mean, how can you not take the chiefs in that spot? How are they underdogs? Are the bills, the bills are coming off a bye week at home? Is that what's going on? No, the bills bills played in Indianapolis last week. Um, it's nothing crazy, but, um, but yeah, no, no bye weeks for either of them. Seahawks are coming off the buy though. I'm going to do something. I'm going to take tonight's game and I'm going gonna take the Washington commanders getting three and a half. I like the half a point and I like this kid,

Jaden Daniels is starting to really, they're starting to click. There's no injuries with Washington. So I'm gonna take the commanders with the half a point. I think they have a point is gonna save me. I love that pick. I feel like they're playing their best football. They played in decades.

People are actually excited. I'll be honest with you, dude. I like the name, the commanders. Yeah, it's growing on me too. I do too. Yeah, it's a night, you commanding the thing, you're running shit. I like it.

A lot better than the, what are the Cleveland Indians now? The guardians? The guardians, oof. That sounds like a romantic now that the guardians guardians who. Try sounds like a romantic comedy. Oh yeah. Like what's his face is carrying. Whitney Houston out of a fucking building whatever hell happened. All right I'm gonna I don't know what I'm taking Paul I don't know who shot I don't know who's not. What's the worst team names in history? Hey, go to the WNBA for that. Yes, I love the WNBA and these fucking broads are still not showing up as much as they keep

trying to ram it down our throats. It's gonna take men. It's gonna take men going to, Paul, they're gonna get better at the game. They just are. I'm talking about names. I don't like names like Scott, the sky or like, I don't know, like, but you also gotta have a name.

All right, Paul, I got one for you. I got one. You're starting a new league. Yeah. All the ferocious animal names are already taken. All the disturbing weather is gone. Hurricanes, fucking, what is it? Or Oklahoma, what is it? Oklahoma thunder? You got thunder, lightning, hurricane. The

monsoons? What are you going with? I got one. The meteors. And it's just like rocks rushing. You're going out of space. I like that. Nobody's gone out of space. The Rochester rogue wave. We come out and you think it's calm, man.'s gone out of space. The Rochester Rogue wave. We come out and you think it's calm, man. We come out of nowhere. In the side of the head.

Aftershock, earthquake. The worst name is the Pelicans. That's got to be the worst name in sports. I mean, who's afraid of a Pelican? I like Pelicans because it sounds like a minor league baseball team. It's a terrible name. All the Pelicans is a minor league baseball team in South Carolina. That's what I think about you 100% right. Do you know? But

they'll all go they should somehow make that Pelican jowl like somebody's ball back. Like you're standing over the Pelican. Try to do something to make it intimidating. We're gonna fucking nutsack you, whatever they call that, dip my balls on you. Um, all right. All right. Well, we did that for a while and I should have fucking been looking at this. I am, uh, sorry, it was my fault. No, it's all right. Paul, you know, Paul, the way you're playing right now, you're like LT. You could go to sleep under the table during this whole fuck. What are we gonna do? You're gonna diagram the floor fucking winners. Um, oh

Jesus Christ, what am I gonna do here? I Don't know Paul. How do you not take the Chiefs getting points? I did that in the Super Bowl I'm just gonna take the Chiefs. I'm gonna take the Chiefs and I'm gonna root for the Bills So I'll take the Chiefs get in two and a half And that's gonna be a fun game to watch because if they cover If the Bills hand them their first like this is probably like the best thing if you're a Chiefs fan the best thing that Could happen right now is you lose to the fucking Bills because that means you're gonna beat him in January. But like, I don't know, this just

seems like how it works. So I'm gonna take the chiefs get two and a half. Paul, I'm a housewife this year. I'm folding laundry. I'm just I don't know what I'm doing. You know, the chiefs are gonna go in there piss their dogs. I love that pic. All right. Um, All right, you motherfucker. Jake, what did Jake, what the Ravens won? Yeah, they beat the Bengals on Thursday. They didn't cover those pricks. I know. Brutal. I could have gone three point ball. I could have been in your fucking stratosphere, but

instead still on the ground two and two. I'm going to try something. I haven't tried in a while. I'm going to take the Steelers two weeks in a row, getting three. I'm going to take the Steelers at home, getting three against the Ravens. I like that too. The Steelers are starting to click a little bit. They gave me a win last week. I'll take them getting three. Oh, Paulie dogs this week.

I'm taking dog. This is not the Paul that I grew up with. Paul's first pick this week old school Paul 10 years ago would take the Lions lane 14 be a bloodbath. It's gonna be a bloodbath. That is so true. I would call Bill and go Bill, they're supposed to win. They're the better team. They're a favorite for a reason. They were at home, they were at home. And then they would be covering through three and take their starters out Then that's when my phone would start lighting up Dude, they won the game and then they just fucking gave it back

No, remember you would get the text thread and then all of a sudden the last one would say sick. I'm sick Oh Mike, no, I was out to breakfast with my wife at that Eagles-Giants game when they kept kicking it to that dude who kept running it back. Oh my god. You had it. I missed all your text messages and it started in small print and by the end it was all capitals and it was just like one word. The fuck are they doing? Are they serious? Fuck! I was just, I was crying laughing. It's like I binge watched that game through your text messages. All right, I like the Falcons getting two and a half against the Broncos going in there.

Who the fuck do the Broncos think they are? Do they think they're good all of a sudden? Is there a guy still playing there, Kirk Cousins? You like that, you like that. Is he playing? Yeah. Yeah. I think he's gonna go in there. You fucking knock the dirty sandals

off those Colorado people. Falcons. Falcons. This is how I know I suck at this. When I do my picks, it's always quiet. No, I was looking at- Oh, No, I like what you did there. No, no, I was looking at the thing. I never go against Kirk Cousins man in a tight game.

Oh, the Jaguars are bad. Who the Jaguars are bad Jaguars had a rough one this year. Okay. Mac Jones is starting to do what about what about the Cowboys being done. Oof. Dude, they need to stop looking at their players. They gotta get rid of their owner. They need, sort of dropping my thinking. They need to have a hostile takeover.

It's like, it's gotta be a dude. You have to stop meddling. You have to, like, he's like, like George Steinbrenner. Like, I'm so fucking stupid. Why are you talking? Why are you talking to the media? You lost, let me get. You're upset. I always hated that. The boss is going to issue a statement today at 417. Let me guess. You're not happy that they're losing? Yeah. Well, you got a fucking

win. This big dumb head. Mike and the mad dog would always go, we got a missive from George and Steinbrenner. And then they would start playing music and read it He was fun though, yeah, it's definitely fun rest rest his big rest his soul All right, dude. How did you feel about the Sun blinding those players eyes at the Cowboy Stadium? That was my favorite thing was was was that the game Troy Aikman was doing where he's making fun of him or was that the I don't think so I think that was the Dolphins game with a guy who's like dolphins was dolphins play the Rams last week yeah yeah yeah yeah one guy like he just like it went right through his hand and he started pointing to his eyes

and just Troy being a quarterback he goes all right it's the son he goes all right well next next week they're playing indoors. So, you know, I don't want to see anybody doing that. I'm going to take the New Orleans Saints. It's a pick them. Might as well be a pick them. That's what I always say. One point at home.

Can you beat the Cleveland Browns by one at home? We're gonna find out. That's my pick. I like how none of us answered you and then you answered it yourself. Can they beat the Cleveland Browns at home? We're gonna find out when we come back. Did you take the Bengals?

I did not. I'm gonna take the Bengals, Paul did not. I'm going to take the Bengals Paul because I have nothing better to do. That'll be a good game. Oh, Jacob is televised in my area. Yeah. I keep forgetting they're not down in San Diego. Yeah, they'll be on Sunday night now. Okay. Got moved.

What's it called? Dak Prescott is out. Yeah, seasons over. He just had season and surgery. What happened to something with his hamstring? So sort of torn hamstring? Yeah, feel bad for the guy but doing that shit before the game. I haven't worn out his hip yet doing that shit before the game. Um, the dolphins minus eight or the Texans minus seven and a half. Oh, Paul is going to take a favorite. I got to take a favorite. Um, I'm going to take the Texans Monday night football against a bad, no starting quarterback.

The Cowboys are in complete disarray and the Texans are just such a great team. They should win that game by 10 or 14. I'm gonna take Texas. What about that this is the battle for Texas, Paul? The pride. I mean, then it's more in favor of Houston. Yeah, I don't know, Cowboys and Pride, not seeing a lot of that. Oh, wow.

I got to walk that comment. What is happening in that franchise? Oh, dude, Jerry Jones, did you see him with his shirt? I never thought I'd see Jerry Jones that heavy. He's all heavy now, yelling, going on radio stations. It's not going to be pretty, man. This is not going to be a good ending. This is not going to be a good ending. This is not gonna be a good end.

He's like he's like a psycho chick who's just blaming you for everything in the relationship. It's like Jerry. It's you It's you. He's got an elevator. What you when you were winning championships. He had yeah. Yeah, what's his face? Jimmy Johnson, right? You chased him out of town. And he was so fucking good, Barry won with his team two years later. And they haven't snipped a sense. And then after that, he just got yes men, yes men, yes men, yes men, other than Bill Parcells. Yeah.

Brett Ernst, buddy of ours, he's a big cowboy fan, he's disgusted. He's, we suck, we suck. You know, when you know when you're too young. I saw them in the 70s, dude. With those fucking cheerleaders, man, it was unreal. Roger Starbeck, Harry Muff, no bras, I mean, it was fucking amazing, Paul.

Go ahead, there's Texans. Yeah, I don't know where they are now. I don't know where they are. Bill, I'll tell you what, your Patriots are starting to turn a page, I think. I where they are now. I don't know where they are. Bill, I'll tell you what, your Patriots are starting to turn a page, I think. I love you Paul. What you just always combine.

It's turn the corner or get on the same page. Your Patriots man that started. Now I think isn't that right? You know who else does that Maureen? Yeah, she told me the other night, she goes, I would never steer you down the wrong street. I'm like, no, I would never steer you wrong. I don't know what this street shit is.

No, it's me with that and you with names. Oh, I can't remember names to save my life. But Paul, you're like Miles Davis, like with fusion, except you do it with with safe expressions. Dude, how about Yogi Berra? It's getting early late. No, it's getting late early. That's a great one, dude. Like he had those yogi isms. Yeah, he's done that on purpose. You can't get that luck, because they were amazing. Dude, it's getting, what is it?

It's getting early, it's getting late early, what was it? I can't even get that right. Wait. Yeah, it's getting, they probably turned the clocks back or something. No, it would be in a game where like the game is going by fast and he'd go, oh man, it's getting late early or something.

Yeah, they don't make guys like that anymore. Oh no, Yogi was great. Everybody's on the internet looking at the same 10 fucking videos. Everybody has the same accent. Yeah. Dude, if I go on Instagram one more time and click on a video, how many fucking times can you use, they're just like, dude, they're like robots. Remember 10 years ago on YouTube let the bodies hit the floor every fucking video It's like can you pick a different fucking song? Oh Andrew got it right here?

Yeah, it gets late early out there Yogi said it gets late early out there And you just it's like it's so it's like oh, it's the seventh inning already is what that means. It's amazing But it's like there's something about it. It's like fun's like, oh, it's the seventh inning already is what that means. It's amazing. But it's like there's something about it. It's like fun to listen to. Yeah. It ain't over till it's over. But I mean, that like totally makes sense. Yeah.

Yeah. Bill, you got one more, right? Or no? Please tell me I don't have to do this again. Do I have one more? No. Oh, no. I'm done?

No. You're done. No, no, I have I have been done since week three of this season. You're like two weeks. You're two weeks away from being back. Did I was down? I can't get my head above water. I'm going down the last time. You know, the lifeguard, you know, a lifeguard sits up for a little like, is that guy fucking around? Is that's where i am right now um no andrew i have i'm not andrew bill went first i have the commanders the saints the stealers and the texans so there's four what do you have bill bill's got the sea i got the bangos the chiefs the seahawks see him i have one more oh christ i know he's got the Falcons.

I got the Falcons. Yes. I got the dirty birds. I got two dirty birds. I'm going with the birds this week, Paul. All right. I'm going with the birds. Love it.

All right. There we go. All right. We got our picks now and now it's time for the Monday night. Monday night's best show. Oh, there it is. With some money for you. Come on, Paul. We need a slump buster

here. It's the Texans and the Cowboys. It and Jerry's at Jerry's World, which is another very world and the narrative is the Cowboys season is over. Everybody's saying this Paul, every fat, man titted fucking cunt out there who's sitting there with a beer in one hand and fucking free porn in the other is all saying this poll. Are we going to go with the ignorant masses who the last three elections picked the host of the apprentice, a warmonger with dementia and and back to the apprentice gun. I was joking in my act, we're picking presidents

the way the Browns pick quarterbacks. And then after a while it's like, wait, is it the quarterbacks or is it the Browns? Under over this week is 42, what do you think? I think it's an under you love the foot. Yeah, I just did. These are two fucking boring as teams. Are they cowboys really NFL team Paul? Yeah, just hanging on to fucking Houston. So that squinty creature doesn't take it over.

He already bought one of the arenas. That squinty creature doesn't take it over. He already bought one of the arenas. Who's the squinty creature? Texans. All right, let's do, you wanna do Texans and the under? I like Houston. That's my favorite guitar store in America. South Park guitars, all lefties.

Underrated comedy town. Underrated, they're amazing out there. Great people. Underrated, Paul. That place was a mecca when I came up. Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison. Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought they were Austin. No. How dare you?

How dare I? Rest their soul. How dare you? Ron Shock? You know who Ron Shock was? Eddie Bananas? I mean, they had some killers out there. Dude, Ron Shock would do a story. Ron Shock came up with Bill Hicks.

And dude, Ron Shock, they said, was the greatest American storyteller. And I worked with him in Vegas at Brad Garrett's club. And somebody goes, I think this kid from Philadelphia, Pat House comic, funny kid, he goes, watch Ron Shock. It's like a magic trick. You're not gonna believe it. Dude, I swear to God, I'm not even joking. It was like fitting we were in Vegas because it was like an illusion. I went out and I watched this man tell a story, a comedy story, and it felt

like I was in there for 10 minutes and 40 minutes went by. It was fucking incredible. It was incredible, man. Oh dude. It was amazing. He can tell a story better than Ron White. Uh, dude, it was, yeah. I hate.

Yes. I got to see that Ron shot. I got to see that. I got to see that. I got to see that. I got to see that. I got to see that. I got to see that. I got to see that. I got to see that. I. He can tell the story better than Ron White. Dude, it was yeah, I hate yes. I see that Ron shot. I saw this, this comic, this English comic from way back in the day. Yeah. And he came out on this variety show to sing a song. And he was talking about how he was singing live. And he did this shit backstage and he was clearly singing he was singing live and he did this shit backstage and he was clearly singing to a tape

But it was really him singing so the tape starts like slow. He was doing it all with his voice. He was like Like he would like go like he could do this thing with his voice and then move like really fast and then start singing Normally, and then he was looking off stage like he was pissed. It was fucking brilliant, dude. It's like one of those things that I feel like got lost over the years and stand up where it's like the bit that like the it's like a concept like that this guy came up with like and then be able to do all of that with your voice. I was fucking dying when I was I thought I posted it in my stories there on the Instagram. Yeah, it's like the, what's the guy's name

from the police academy with the voices, Michael Winslow. But dude, did you see the British kid who goes, all right guys, he goes, I'm gonna give you guys a soccer goal, a header. In slow motion. That's amazing. And dude, he's doing it. Dude, it was like, I thought it was in slow motion

for a second, it's amazing. I think I said that to you. You see that other English comic where he goes, you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me again, the shame's back on you. Like, why would you keep doing that to me? And he just, he gets it up to like six. By number six, he's like, the shame's on you

because you don't realize this is just a game and I'm playing gullible and now you're super calling it. So he goes, James, seven times. Now the shame's back on me because you figured out my game. It was ridiculous. Oh, dude, he did it like psychological. That is so great. He got like a five minute bit out of it.

I was just watching, how the fuck do you come up with that? I was like, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to do it. Oh dude, he did it like psychological. That is so great. He got like a five minute bit out of it. I was just watching how the fuck do you come up with this shit? Um, all right, let's do this ball because I gotta, I gotta get to work. All right, so we're gonna do, we're gonna do, we're gonna take the Texans, gotta win. Lay it. Lay in eight. Laying down like a whore ball. Seven and a half on a sidewalk mattress Paul. We need one more Bill. We need one more. Jake likes sidewalk mattress.

Do Stroud to throw one. Yeah. There we go. CJ Stroud to throw one. Texans minus seven and a half under 42. Bingo. Jake's like a mob lawyer. He doesn't whisper in the ear. He just says it. But

that's you know, he keeps he keeps us on the straight and narrow. Yeah, he's like Kevin Pollock in Casino. Man. All right. Once once you fucking beat the book again, I want you

to dress like Ray Liotta, including the wig, shave your beard. I want you to get I beat the book again. And then you take your pills and be like, all right, now take me to the casino. That is... Let it ride, baby.

At what point is, I mean, if I do do it again, does Ben MGM let me in there and making the lines with these guys? Well, you're having a career like you, like you're going to end up owning a team, you're going to end up owning like the Tangiers, like be a part owner. Uh, yeah, I hope they don't blow up my car. Okay.

I can still pick them. I got the glasses. All right, guys, that's it. Um, you guys know, download the bet MGM app guys, put at least $10 in there and you will get up to, uh, 1500 in bonus bets. If the bet MGM app guys put at least $10 in there and you will get up to $1,500 in bonus bets if the bet loses. Also we have the first touchdown pick any player to get the first touchdown of any NFL game if they don't but in fact at the second touchdown you'll still get your stack of cash back and bet responsibly guys. Enjoy it have fun this week we will see you

after week 11. And oh check me out I'll be in Providence, Rhode Island this weekend. There you go. There you go. All right, guys. Thank you so much. We'll talk to you next week. All right. All right. And we're brought to you by Airbnb. So yeah, whenever I travel, I really try to always stay in an Airbnb. I have a trip coming up where I'm going on tour and I have like five down days in the

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