Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-17

Episode Date: November 16, 2017

Bill rambles about Newark airport, eating salads and Brandy.

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It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. How's it going? How's your Thursday? How's your week? You're having a good time out there.

You're getting ready to eat your fucking face off. Hey, well, here's a good one for you. You know, you're going to eat like an absolute pig. On Thanksgiving, you know, you're going to eat all the leftovers and all that crap. You know, you're going to drink your face off the wind the Wednesday before Thanksgiving going out there, right? Trying to meet some ladies, right? Going back to your hometown.

You know, you're going to do all of that crap. Is I just the windscreen here on the microphone? You know, you're going to do all that shit. So why not? Why not before? Why not now just do you do cardio every fucking day? Giant salad, right? You got a giant salad with the protein somewhere in your fucking day.

Lunch or dinner? Why don't you do that right up until Thanksgiving? You know, and right through the Thanksgiving weekend? Why don't you just do that every day? So I'm going to get on that fucking motherfucking elliptical and knock out a half hour. Why don't you do that instead of eating yourself into a food coma and then you're going to have all that sugar and salt in you. And you know what?

You're going to be thinking I should work out and all that fucking stuff is going to be sitting on your brain going, no, I don't want to working out. It's hard sitting here becoming a fat fuck is easy. Yes, it is easy. Anything worth anything worth something in life. It's difficult. Come on, guys. What are we doing here, huh?

Aren't we fat enough? How much longer, America? Are we going to sit here and gloat? How much poisonous food? We have more poisonous food than any other nation on the planet. You know, how much longer? It's not even really poised. I think most of it now that I'm starting to watch these things on nutrition

is how they just had the whole thing upside down. And the whole food pyramid was created by a guy who didn't know shit about food who went to fucking Italy post World War Two, where they lost. Do a bunch of goddamn nerds. Italy lost that. They lined up with fucking a star over there, right? Adolf Hitler, right? They lined up with him and they lost.

So he went over to a fucking war torn country post war, right? Everybody was fucking broke. So everyone was skinny and he equated it to their fucking diet and started talking about how you want to eat a bunch of carbohydrates. Like these fucking guys who lost a goddamn war, not tell you something like that. I don't know. I'll post a video. But all I know is like all of that stuff is like the devil. I still cannot get my head around the fact that I can eat this much meat.

And I still don't. I think, you know, I guess, as my mother always said, everything in moderation as she would yell across the room, right? So I guess that's what you want to do. So I'm just going to I'm going to do what the fuck I always do. I do a ton of goddamn cardio and I stop eating around five o'clock, six o'clock. And then I just crush the waters. One of the meals is a fucking salad.

That's what I do. All right. That's how I lose weight. I don't sit around blaming society or the fucking industry I'm in, right? Is I'm eating a fucking candied apple. Like a lot of these fucking people out there. That have just given in to their sugar, salt, coma and then want you to sit there and accept their defeat rather than standing up and giving them a halftime fucking speech.

You know, grabbing him by the back of their hair and pulling it out of that bowl of fucking peanut and fucking chocolate M&M's and getting right in that grill like Bobby Knight used to poking him in the chest. You know, talking to them about their transition game between one meal to another. That's what's happening out there, right? This this fucking country's getting it's getting soft. It's getting soft. Everybody's a goddamn fucking victim.

Everybody has a fucking excuse, right? And everybody's letting them get away with it, going like, no, no, no, no. All right. It's not the potato chips fault. It's your fault. All right, you control your hands. Stop telling your hands to go into the bag. All right.

All right. You wait ahead of lettuce the way you eat those fucking chips. Like I'm telling you right now, you'd be a goddamn dreamboat. You know what you got to do? Quit your fucking crying. All right, I'm done. You know what song is in my head when I when I was just talking. I'm in the middle of a radio tour right now, promoting my dates in Albuquerque

and in Arizona. I didn't know where the hell I'm going to be in Arizona, Tucson or some shit. And then I got Hollywood, Florida, and I have Orlando, Florida. Well, I will be going to the Orlando Magic Game, the last team I need to see, protein that I need to see in the state of Florida. Plus, I've seen the Miami Hurricanes and the Florida Gators. What's left?

You ask the Florida State Seminals. You know, in a central Florida keeps making noise. I got I got to go down there eventually, right? I don't know. I guess what's left is to fucking try to swim Lake Okeechobee, whatever the hell it is, and try not to get eaten by an alligator or maybe the Python that ate the fucking alligator. I don't I don't pretend to understand these things.

I don't I don't try to pretend to understand what Florida is. But whatever, I was just in the middle of this radio tour and I was joking around with this fucking guy that was interviewing me. And somehow we started singing that song, Brandy. Remember that song, Brandy? Was a fucking bitch. But you said they're hitting on a pirate and he never would commit to her.

That's such a sad song when you really listen to the fucking lyrics. It's like she sounds like such a nice woman. Why doesn't she get out of that fucking bar and stop talking to those? Those those whalers, whatever the hell she's talking to. Their job takes them out to sea. I did one cruise ship in my entire career. I have never been further away from anything that I knew or loved in my life. You know, people go on cruises to get rid of their spouse,

you know, when they went through with the marriage that they didn't want to be in. And rather than just looking at everybody, just saying, I don't want to do this. And just let everybody pelt you with the wedding cake. Next thing you know, you're laying in your little fucking cabin on a cruise ship, going like, all right, so Allah. I'll tell it, I'm going to take a picture of her. I'll oh my God, it's just the shit that people do happens to guys, too. People fall overboard in those things.

Why am I talking about cruise ships? I don't even know why. Oh, yeah. So why would this woman commit to these fucking people? You know, they always make it out like she's the victim. I think what really happened was. I think Brandy didn't want a relationship. You know, maybe that's what it was. I just feel like for me.

All right, so I'm 91 days into not drinking. I'm in overtime right now. The movie is wrapped. I'm basically done with my gigs for this year. I'm chilling out. I'm getting into the holiday spirit. Oh, Billy, the baker's going to rear his ugly head. I think I'm going to make a blueberry pie this year.

You know, I'm going to deep fry a fucking turkey, but my wife won't let me buy the apparatus. Why can't we just order one? I don't know. Because it's not as fun. It's not that sense of satisfaction. Knowing that somebody else made the fucking turkey. What kind of man am I?

I'm going to have somebody else cook my fucking turkey. I mean, doesn't that sound borderline filthy? That's like something. If you whispered it in a woman's ear at work, I mean, you'd have a fucking problem. Hey, we deep fry my turkey for me. The fuck did you just say to me? All right.

Um, I don't know. But, you know, I'm getting to this point that I'm starting to understand. Like this is weird balance you have to have when you're married. You have to say exactly what the fuck you're thinking. You have to be honest with your partner while totally agreeing with everything that they say.

I haven't figured it out yet. You know, Hey, me and some friends are going to brunch. Do you want to go? No. No, I don't. Why? Because it's always crowded.

It's always crowded. You go down there. You got to stand there. Then you're standing outside, waiting for them to fucking call your name. And then when they finally call your name, you're sitting there eating, as all these other people are eyeballing your plate,

breathing down your fucking neck from across the room. It's like the food version of playing golf. Is there anything worse than playing golf and you got that fucking, you got those goddamn borderline pros are playing right behind you? And you just see them just fucking like 80 yards away, like throwing their hands up like Jesus Christ,

how many fucking attempts do you need? It's that same kind of pressure. It's just like fucking play through. Eat through, buddy. You want to sit down in order? I'll fucking pick my plate up. I don't know. Somewhere in there, I was being honest with my wife.

So you don't want to go to brunch with me? Hey, don't you like me anymore? It's like, lady, I married you. I'm paying all the bills. Okay, what more? This whole thing crumbles over some fucking eggs that I don't want to go down and get. We got eggs in the fridge, sweetheart.

Why don't you bring your friends over here? They'll sit out on the back porch. Cause we want to get dressed up. We want to go out and look cute. And have other women resent us for how cute we are. Look at those bitches over there being cute. I'm so fucking mad at them. All right, so now that I'm back,

I ordered the NHL and the NBA package as of yesterday. I watched my first NHL game. Wyatt, Wyatt yesterday. Bruins versus the Anaheim, Ducks. And if you were rooting for the Bruins, what a fucking stinker. I know we're really banged up on that type of thing, but Jesus Christ.

The one problem the Boston Bruins have had ever since they decided to blow up the team is we lack that fucking power forward. That person that is on the ice that everybody else has to be like, Oh fuck, keep your head on a goddamn swivel. So and so is out there. Every team, if you want to compete in the NHL,

you got to have that. It's like a fucking great white shark just swimming around. Everybody's just hoping the thing just got done eating. You know what I mean? And you're always keeping an eye out where the fuck is that thing? You know, those great white sharks,

they just, they just swim so goddamn slowly until they fucking turn it on. Next thing you know, you got fucking 90 rows of teeth coming at you, right? You're all drunk, swimming naked out to a buoy, whatever the fuck it is you're doing at the beginning of Jaws. We don't have that ever since we got rid of Lucic.

And I don't think that those people, I'm going to go out on a limb and say, those guys are very few and far between. We got to have our guy. Who's our enforcer? I don't even know. And I looked at the Celtics roster as I mentioned. It's like, I knew everybody on the Celtics

and now I know like three of them. They got rid of everybody, but I heard they're playing great. And I believe they have a game tonight. So I'm going to watch that. And I also want to say the Bruins are playing back to back down here. I think they're playing the Kings.

These are always brutal games. Bruins always come out here and fucking lose. I can't believe the Kings, it took them so goddamn long to win this many games. All these years, everybody comes down here and wants to just party in Hollywood and try to fuck a movie star. That's what everybody's doing, right?

So then they come to the game, all hung over, right? Smelling like the flavor of the month, whoever the fuck they just banged. And then they go in there and they just walk through the game and they get their fucking asses kicked. This is what happens every goddamn time. But at least you can go down to Anaheim and beat the Ducks, right?

The equally injured Ducks. But we couldn't get it done. We couldn't get, in fact, the Ducks have won the last eight regular season games against the Bruins. They fucking own us. We're an original six team getting owned by a team that's made after a Disney kid movie.

How fucking sad is that? I have no idea. So anyways, I'm just gonna keep going with this streak. I'm gonna get to at least 100 days and then see how I feel. But if I go through the end of the year, I'll have four solid months that I didn't drink. So that's like a third of the year,

which for most people would be good. But if you saw the level with which I abused alcohol, just slapping it all over the room, I would feel better if that number was up around six. But as I've mentioned, I'm turning 50 next year and I'm gonna be fucking, I'm going sting in my 50s. I'm gonna try to anyways.

I might regret telling you guys that I'm doing that, but I'm telling you, if I can ever get fucking healthy, I got another injury, all right? Listen to this. I did Inside the NFL, which you can watch this week on Showtime, right? And I'm doing the show. I'm having a great time.

Oh, you know what's fucking hilarious? I was in the green room and I walk in and Ray Lewis is there. And I start telling him how I scalped a ticket to go to a Ravens game. I've told this story before. I scalped a ticket and I go in and I sit down. I'm like, holy shit, this is, I could like announce the game from where I'm sitting.

And I'm like, this is one of the best scalp tickets I ever got and for a great price. And all of a sudden the security guy just goes, excuse me, sir, I've been there for about, you know, half hour. Is that your seat? Do you have a ticket for that? And I go, yeah, yeah, it is. And he goes, oh, great.

Could you come out to the aisle for a second? So I came out and looked at my ticket. He goes, yeah, that is your seat. Where did you get this ticket? And I was like, I scalped it outside. He goes, oh, okay, I understand. I understand. Can you just come down the stairs for a second?

So I come down the stairs. Now there's another security person. Now there's two security people. Can you describe the person that you bought this ticket off of? I'm like, I don't know. He had a shirt. I don't know what's going on. They go, no, it's just, we just have some questions.

Can you walk down this aisle? Can you come like underneath? So now we're underneath the thing. And I finally just say to the guy, look, can you quit kicking me out of this stadium 10 feet at a time? What's going on here? And then the guy goes, well, these were stolen. These are season tickets and they were stolen

out of one of our season ticket holders mailboxes. So this is a stolen ticket. I go, oh, so what? So I'm screwing. They go, no, no, no. Well, we're going to try to see if, you know, we can get you another ticket, blah, blah, blah. And they will get me all the way downstairs.

Now I'm right next to the, to like the side door. And I go, can you get me another ticket? They're like, yeah, unfortunately not. And then they just kicked me out. The whole thing was they didn't want me to flip out and scream and yell in front of everybody. The fucking NFL is just, they're such cunts. God forbid there's an issue, right?

So I'm telling the guys there the story. They're all laughing. So I went out and I scalped. I actually was so mad that I was getting kicked out that I said the fucking scalper was a tall, skinny white dude. It was actually a short black guy. And I don't even know why I did that. I was just so fucking mad.

I didn't want to help anybody out. So I went back outside, scalped another ticket. I paid even more money than I'm sitting in the lower deck. And I said, yeah, and I go that. And they're all laughing. Listen to the story and go, yeah, that's the game that it was against Cleveland. That was the game where that dude on the Browns

ran for like 300 yards and set the rushing record. And all of a sudden Ray Lewis just, he dropped his head a little bit and he just starts staring at me. And I'm laughing. I'm going, sorry, man. That guy put up like 295 yards. He goes, what are you talking about?

I go, didn't he run? And then he goes, then he goes, no. He goes, that was our guy. I forget he said the guy's name. He goes, he ran for like 295. And I said, oh, I'm sorry, my bad. Then I laugh. I go, Jesus Christ, dude, you were fucking looking at me.

You went all full metal jacket. And everyone just started laughing. Dude, Ray Lewis is like the fucking coolest guy ever. And he's still like, if you saw how like hurt he was, that I would ever suggest that anyone put up close to 295 yards on a Ravens defense that he was a part of. I got to ask all those guys so many cool questions. I actually, I asked Ray Lewis if he had a, you know,

what's it like being one of the great linebackers of all time, watching how these linebackers, you know, get to just sort of, I mean, the wide receivers just to kind of get to skip down the damn field now. And he goes, oh, he goes, I can't, I have a hard time watching. He goes, I got to take like blood pressure medicine. I'm like walking around watching the game. So anyways, where we're in between segments and they actually did this segment on like

how the guys on defense don't know what they can and can't get away with. So they're playing timid and these wide receivers and quarterbacks and running backs are having a field day out there. So of course, Boomer besides is siding with the offense. And everyone on the show was siding with like that. That's overpoliced and blah, blah, blah, blah. So anyway, so the segment ends and boomers continue in the conversation. He goes, did you see what happened to Aaron Rogers?

And he goes, the guy came over and Boomer walks over and he goes to pick me up. And I don't know why I should have said Boomer. I saw the play. So he goes to pick me up. But you know, when you go to pick somebody up, what you do is you pull them in towards you and you put the pressure of you lifting them up across their back. He didn't. He tried to pick me up from my sides and like crush my rib cage.

And he just heard, I just heard, you just heard something pop on my right side. And he goes, oh, shit. And he put me down and I go, I don't know why I just go, I think that was my back. And he goes, really? It sounded like your ribs. And I knew an instantly that he fucked me up. I don't know what the fuck he did to my obliques. It's not like some lifelong shit.

You know what I mean? I'm not a millennial. I'm not going to sue anybody. This is just like four days at Epsom salt bath. But like, I knew immediately he fucked me up. And if somehow somebody sends this to him, I want him to know that when I sit here, it doesn't hurt. But I drove my car down in an alley yesterday trying to like beat this traffic.

And it had all these potholes. So like the suspension was rocking back and forth. So I was going side to side and I had to use my obliques. I was just going down the alley going like. But I'm good because I can laugh right now. So it feels fine. But yeah, you know, it would have been such a cooler story if it was Ray Lewis who did it to me as opposed to a quarterback, but here's the deal.

He's still like six, four. And all of those guys have like fucking gorilla strength. And I'm just a comedian and my baby blue sweater. Anyway, so how funny is that? I actually went on a fucking football program with X NFL players and came out of there with an injury. I'm like day to day right now. I would still start on Sunday if we were playing football. They'd spray it with something.

But anyways, I had such a great time with all of those guys. And Ray Lewis, Nate and Boomer had such a great time on that whole thing. And of course, JB, we were all teasing him about his haircut. I don't know if it made it, but I said he looked like Count Basie. They were trashing me for being bald and all of that. It was just, I wish I lived in New York. That's how much fun I had on that show. But also I also realized like how little football I watched when I was on there.

Like when I had to pick the teams, like I had no idea what anybody's doing. You know, my daughter's crawling. She's starting to stand up at this point. I mean, that alone, I can barely pay attention. And I was in the writer's room and then immediately went down to the acting gig. So my apology, I mean, of all the fucking years for me to get back on that show, the one year, I think next year I'm going to get to watch a lot more. But I was sitting there like before I went on the show, like trying to study up like,

you know, the day before your final and you know, you're not going to pass, but you're just trying to get a respectable flunking grade. And you know, even after all that studying, I have no idea who the fuck's going to win it. I know the Eagles and the Rams are doing well as are the Vikings. And even though the Patriots are seven or two, I never believe in our defense. I just don't think we get enough pressure on the fucking quarterback. And they seem to be able to do pretty well against our secondary this year. So we'll see.

I don't know. But anyways, thank you to everybody over there for having me on inside the NFL. Please watch it this week. Nate gave me shit about the flake gate. And I of course took the bait. Once again, I always take the bait. I should have just been like, Hey, man, you know, fucking, I got five reasons to not get upset, holding up all five fingers for the five rings we got.

I never thought to do that. I immediately be like, good guy was acquitted. So anyway, so I did the fucking show. And then immediately I went down to, I went right to the airport because I wanted to see, uh, get on to my family, my family over in my family, back west, out west, you go back east and you go out west. And, uh, I get to Newark airport and I'm hungry. And I quickly realized there's no way to get food in the air.

I flew united in the entire fucking terminal. When you showed up wherever you went to sit down to eat, if there was any sort of sit down and eating, you had to be your own waiter. You had to interact with this fucking iPad. And the second I sit down, I'm looking at my face on the screen. I'm like, what the fuck is this? So I cover the camera with my wallet and the lady comes over, do you know how to use it? I'm like, I'm not a waiter, sweetheart.

I don't work at this restaurant. Why am I being, why, I'm, you know, I was being a dictator and everything. In the end, I tipped her in cash though. I did. I said, listen, I'm not upset with you. I'm just upset with this fucking apparatus here. I like human beings. Okay. And I don't like this thing, you know, filming me here.

Because that's not filming you. It's just going to take a picture of your ticket. It's like, what the fuck does Wendy's give a fuck about what, what airline I'm flying on? You're gathering information. And you have to sit there and act like this thing isn't filming me. They're going to be like white male looks to be about this old ordered the fried chicken sandwich. And they're going to use, just take it. They're just constantly sucking this fucking information out about you.

So just sit down. Don't scan your fucking ticket. They're going to use all that information like, oh no, we're just trying to, you know, if it's getting too close and your, your, your plane is boarding and blah, blah, blah, they're not. That's what they're doing on one side. But on the other side, they're figuring out what race, what sex, what you ordered, where you live, how you dressed, all of this fucking information so you can get bombarded with even more fucking, you know, I don't know, even more advertising.

However, if you just committed a murder and you think that, you know, by them filming you there and that's a good alibi, then by all means don't cover it. But um, I don't know if the whole thing is fucking annoying to me. And next time I go to Newark airport, I'm just going to make sure I eat before I get there. Because this guy, oh, this freckled cunt, he ain't playing ball. All right. And with that, let me read some advertising before the next person calls me here. Oh, look who it is.

But up, up, up, me on D's, me on D's, stop taking my picture on an iPad. But dude, dude, dude, me on D's, me on D's. I'm not happy. I'm fucking mad. Why am I working for your fucking joint? Ah, who gives a fuck? I don't know. I don't even fucking know.

I'm sorry. I just tapped out of that thing. Lately I've just been picking words that don't even, I can't rhyme them. Joint. I don't fucking work here. That's my point. Bring a lady out here to take my order and explain what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not a millennial.

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All right. Ah, oh fuck. There you go. See that? I had to sit up and I was on my side. Um, oh fuck, I already got a missed call. Okay, I got to get back to this radio tour.

All right, that's, that's the Thursday afternoon. Just checking in. Oh no, that was from 30 minutes ago. I think I'm good. Just checking in on your fucking podcast here. What else? I got another two minutes here, don't I? I got another two minutes unless somebody fucking calls me here.

What else? What else is there to talk about? Oh, I'm going to go to my little studio space and play my drums today for the first time. And like, I think like three weeks, going to see if I remember how to do it, but I've been hitting the practice pad pretty hard. Getting back to taking some lessons. I'm going to be that fucking guy. I, this is what I want.

This is what I'm going to be able to do on drums. All right. If I hear it, I want to be able to play it. And then my technique, I want to not even have to think about it and have my forearms. Everything's nice and relaxed, relaxed, sitting up straight. Just one of those fucking guys. And then I can actually see, you know, if I actually have any sort of talent for the goddamn instrument.

That is my goal. In 2018. All right. And that's it. Okay. Somebody's going to be calling me any second here and I'm going to have to promote one of my gigs. Oh, I know what I got to tell you. I'm doing a gig for Puerto Rico.

Ho! I'm doing a gig for Puerto Rico. The Monday before Thanksgiving at the Laugh Factory down in Long Beach. Okay. This is a very important gig because what happened out there was devastated and our president just brought paper towels. That's all that happened. Let me see if I can get you this information here.

Where is my, where is my account? I haven't tweeted that much, have I? Profile. I go to the profile. I scroll down. I scroll down. It won't let me, of course. Tweets.

How do I find out? I click on my picture. I slide over. Okay. Here we go. Scrolling down, scrolling down. Bill Burr. Where's the shit that I tweeted?

I don't know. I'll get you all the information as far as, no wait. I'll look up. I'll look up Corinne's shit here. Hang on one second. Hang on, hang on, hang out. Hey, just fucking relax. All right.

Here we go. All right. Monday, November 20th. Hey, look who's here. What's up, buddy? What's up, buddy? Please don't touch my laptop. How you doing?

Monday, November 20th. I'm doing a benefit for the people of Puerto Rico. All the information will be on my website. And here's the next phone call. All right. I was looking at my daughter and almost said to you guys, I love you guys to death. No, I need to say to you guys, go eff yourselves.

I love my daughter to death. Look at you, you're all cutie. All right. Enjoy the music. I'll check in on you on Thursday. No, this is Thursday. I'll see you Monday. All right, bye.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 16th, 2009. And I'm actually recording this at 12 noon on a Sunday. What do you think about that? How do you like that for forward fucking thinking? You like that? I anticipated that Monday was coming on Sunday

and I got the fucking thing out of the way. So right now you're listening to it. You're a little cubicle. Oh my God, he actually got it done on time. It's so exciting. I fucking hate my job. It's fucking nine in the morning. My boss is a cunt and I get to listen to this

and act like I'm looking at spreadsheets. There you go. I finally did it. Every once in a while I come through for the people on the East Coast. And you might be asking yourself, why Bill? Why are we so motivated?

I'll tell you why. Because for some fucking reason, I've been going to sleep like a little old lady this week. You ever just get in one of those weird sleep patterns where right after the evening news, you watch a little bit of Jeopardy. You slip off your loafers. As you sit there on the Davenport,

trying to think of some fucking old people terms here. I don't know. And I've been going to bed like at 9.30, 10. And then I've been getting up at six in the morning, like a farmer. Like a farmer. I just said that because I know there's farmers out there who probably listen to this.

Actually, we get up at four in the morning. And we fucking, really? Good for you. What time do you go to bed? You know, that all fucking works out, doesn't it? I'm speaking of farmers. I actually saw Food Inc. this week because some podcast listener,

I wanted to say that real close. Podcast listener recommended it. And the classic give and take here of the Monday Morning Podcast. I learn a little thing. You little learn a little thing. I say fuck you. Everybody laughs.

Somebody told me to rent that documentary Food Inc. And let me tell you, it was very, very interesting. Very interesting to see where the food comes from and what exactly goes on to the food before the food gets to my table. And which is why this morning, I got up so early to go to a farmer's market. I wanted to go where the local guys make it, you know?

Where they let the chickens run free before they murder them. This is a free-range chicken. It had a fucking wonderful seven weeks on this planet before we stuck it in a funnel and sliced its throat. They actually had video of how they killed the chickens. That's why they stick them in these little, down home farmers, the regular old farmer

who hasn't given in to the man, dude. They got like, you ever see like those fancy bakers, right? As opposed to the blue collar bakers who got those fat little thumbs. The fancy bakers, when they go to make one of those cakes for some fancy fucking douchebag, who's probably a slumlord, right? You know, when they go to put the frosting on,

you know, that little fucking reverse trumpet thing that they use? Why am I going so far? Look, do you remember, you ever see back in the day, the original football games, when they're like, rah, rah, sis, boom, bah. And they were yelling through that little fucking, that little fucking funnel thing. It had a handle on it.

I know you guys know what I'm talking about. Well, they have those, and they have like the part, you know, the part where you yell into, that's on, that would be like, Jesus, how can I explain this? Picture if you had one of those rah, rah, sis, boom, bah things, right? And you wanted to yell up to the heavens, and you fucking cocked your neck back,

and the thing was going straight up. That's the way they have these things. And they have them in a circle, like 10 silver ones. And they take these chickens, and they're like, and they fucking stick them in head first. So they go right down the fucking funnel, and then that little chicken head sticking out the bottom. And they're like, oh, and then they fucking slice their throat,

and they bleed them out. That's how they do it on the regular little farms. That's how they do it. And the other ones, more industrial ones, they don't quite do it that way. So watch our Food Inc. Check it out. At the end, it's a bunch of fucking dead animals.

But I don't know. I like clean food. Call me crazy, but I like clean food. So anyways, I was supposed to get up early this morning. I've been all excited all this week. Because you know me, I see one little thing that says a corporation is fucking me over, and then that becomes my quest for that week.

It's why I don't talk on my cell phone anymore. It's why I don't trust banks. It's why I'm not a Democrat or Republican. It all comes down to some fucking video that some fat fuck living in his mother's basement has made. And I just take it as law. That's how I do it, okay? And so the whole week I've been obsessed

with going to the fucking farmers market, and every day I've been going, we're going, right? We're going. And finally yesterday, my girl couldn't take any more, and she's just like, yes, we're going. You know when they get that, okay? They get like that fucking tone in their voice. And I was just like, what a douche was my immediate thought.

I just turned around, I walked out because you can't slap them, even though they deserve it sometimes. And at least you could throw something at them, you know? Something that's in between nerf and a blunt object. What would that be? You know, beyond a pillow, but not quite the refrigerator door. How about a soft covered book? Isn't that?

And you know, Frisbee and Adam, because that might catch the corner in their eye. What you do is you sort of lob it at them, you know? Like a Robert Parrish foul shot. Half that, not the rainbow. Sort of like a half rainbow, you know? And it just lands on the fucking meaty part of their thigh. Makes that nice slap sound.

Anyways, yeah, so she annoys the shit out of me, right? Well, again, a guy, okay? Typical broad, acting like I'm being a fucking douchebag, right? And what happens this morning? She's fucking sleeping like Boxcar Willy until like 11 in the morning. And she clearly told me, like fucking months ago, that you have to get over there early,

because if you don't get over there early enough, there's just gonna be a bunch of strawberries laying on the sidewalk, you know? So she finally gets up, right? She finally gets up around, she's in the other room, so I have to whisper here. She finally gets up around fucking 11. You know, all sleepy eyes.

She's like, and she knows she fucked up. She knows it. I know it. The downstairs neighbor knows it. Everybody knows she's fucked up. Why did she fuck up? Because she overslept. No, she fucked up because she was a douche the day before,

acting like I was overreacting. Like, that way, I gotta fucking go. And what does she do? She goes out, she has a couple of pops, and next thing you know, she sleeps still fucking 11. All right? And you're probably like, well, Bill, why don't you go in there and wake her up?

Oh, I'll tell you why, because she's been breaking my balls about how I keep going to bed at 9.30 and then I start puttering around like some war veteran at 5 in the morning this whole fucking week. So I let her sleep, thinking maybe she get up at 9. Maybe she get up at 9.30, maybe 10. At 10, I just said, you know what?

Who gives a fuck? I've been eating corn fed beef for all my whole fucking life. You know, I'm still walking around. I'll do it for another week. Who gives a shit, right? Since she wakes up 11, she's like, are you still, are you still gonna go? Are you still gonna go to the farmer's parking?

I was like, no. No, we're not. She's like, why not? I go, because you told me all the shit was gone if you don't get there early. So why do I want to go over there now? I also like going over there earlier because I'm a redhead and we live in a desert

and I don't feel like standing out in the middle of the fucking street at 11 o'clock in the morning. Plus the football games are already on. So then what does she do? You know, the typical codependent shit. She keeps trying to get me to go with her. Well, there's still gonna be some stuff left. They'll have kale.

They'll have some broccoli. Yeah, don't give a shit. I was going over there for the meat. That's what I was doing. So you can't come with me? No. I still can't come with me. That fucking nightmare.

And I just refused to fucking go. I'd gotten on with my day. I started paying my bills for Monday. I was gonna do the podcast. I'm gonna go fucking work out. And of course, the second I started this podcast, who comes walking in the door? My girl comes walking in and informs me

that there was still plenty of shit left, which is still not my fault. I went by her information that nothing would be left. And for all I know, she's fucking lying, you know? There was plenty of stuff left. You could have come with me, asshole. So that's been my fucking morning. And I also realized that my fucking patriots

don't play until eight o'clock at night, which is five o'clock out here at 5.30. So I had nothing better to do. I decided I'd do a fucking podcast rather than sitting here doing nothing when she came home, because then she could have been like, well, why didn't she come with me? Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast.

Did any of that make any fucking sense? Wasn't that just a classic, boring fucking relationship story? Did I just bore you for fucking nine minutes and 33 seconds? Well, I hope I did, because I've been getting too many complaints about the fucking podcast lately. I liked it back in the day.

You were more angrier. Bill, do it on your cell phone again. You know? Whoever wrote me that, you know, what did you used to do? Why don't you go do that? Why don't you stop evolving as a fucking human being and just do it the way you did it two years ago?

Wear the same fucking shirt. You know what I mean? You want it the exact same way. Every fucking, you know, any fucking idiots. Dude, I like their new stuff. I like their first two albums. I don't like when they changed. I actually like people who were into bands like that,

like people who were into like fucking U2. You know? People just can't fucking respect for the fact that they've continued to fucking evolve and put out killer songs, changed their sound, come back to their sound, divert from it, become huge rock stars,

mock being huge rock stars, always coming up with a new way to make it a little bit different. There always has to be that fucking douchebag going, I liked him back. I only liked him. I liked him up until War or Boy or whatever the name of their fucking albums are.

I don't even remember. Remember that one that had that fucking creepy looking kid? You know? Looked like the poster for the grudge like 20 years before it fucking came out. Like there's always people like that. Granted, there are bands that evolve and then they suck like Jefferson Airplane

when they became Jefferson Starship. But I challenge you to find anything in the U2 catalog that comes anywhere near sucking to the level of we built this city on rock and roll. That is one of the worst everything. You know? That like when they show some of the worst dictators

and I'm really trying to avoid to say Adolf Hitler because he's become like the hacky reference when you talk about evil. You know? And I really think that that guy is in a lot of ways overrated when you look at his number of kills versus Stalin's. Okay?

I've talked about this before. Stalin has 20 million confirmed kills. Okay? That's fucking like what? 14 million more. 14 million more than Hitler and about fucking 19,900,000 more than fucking Rambo.

Okay? You know what? That's my thing. That's what that's gonna be my contribution to conversation in fucking dinner parties. You know? I'm gonna start going to those by the way. I'm gonna get a smoking jacket and all that.

And when people go like, oh my god, he's like the next Hitler. And I mean, nope. He's the next Stalin. Who's that? I don't know the fuck that. Of course you don't. You dumb fuck.

You probably don't even know what Hitler did. Do you? Are you just spouting fucking spouting the shit out the way I do every week on the podcast? You dumb fuck. Speaking of which, this is a new part of the podcast. It's just Bill's dumb quote of the week. I had a bunch of people correct me on something

that I have been saying for years. I used the expression I said for all extensive purposes. And somebody wrote for all extensive purposes, it's not, you don't say it that way. And you don't say it the way most other people say, all intensive purposes. It's actually for all intense and purposes. You like that?

Most people say for all intensive purposes when they fuck it up. Bill Burr took it to a whole new level of stupid and said for all extensive purposes. I do that all the time. I say, there's something else I say. It has to do with what the fuck is at the beginning of your college year when you're a freshman?

Ah, Jesus, my memory is just fucking shot. I used to always work those things. It's a stand up comic. You'd come in and be like the first. Why do I keep thinking salutation? That's not what it is. I know it begins with an S though. This happens to me like 20 times a day.

Is there some sort of fish that I can be eating to help me with this? I used to do the gigs every year, the beginning of the year, incoming freshmen gigs. You'd come in and they'd be sitting there with their parents and my college age would be like, uh, uh, Billy. We got a gig for you. The parents are going to be there.

So make sure you don't say fuck. God damn it, I forget. But whatever, I used to fuck that word up all the time. So whatever. So I learned something. It's for all intents and purposes. I used to say pillow instead of pillow, P-E-L-L-O. I'm a fucking moron and I don't know why you guys,

you know what you assholes? I know why you listen to me. You listen to me because my level of stupidity makes you feel better about yourself, doesn't it? Huh? What does that say about you? You fucking whores. See how I got out of that by trying to blame you?

That's a technique I use in my arguing. But it wasn't all bad. I actually got, I got some thanks last week from, uh, from a woman. It said, Bill, um, you were wondering if there are any... Ah, Jesus Christ, I fucking... I copied and pasted the wrong one here. This isn't from a woman.

Listen to this. Bill, uh, you were wondering if there were, there are any Jews that listen to your podcast. There are Jews who listen to your podcast. I am one of them. And in fact, an Orthodox Jew. I'm not Hasidic. I'm not a Hasidic Jew,

but it's the same thing without the curls. Dude, that's bullshit. There's got to be something more than that. I know you just made a joke there. What is the difference between an Orthodox Jew and a Hasidic Jew? I know I could fucking Google that right now and get some other morons fucking...

I'm not saying you're a moron, but you know what I mean? Just get some morons version of what that is. Um, it wasn't even that place I used to go to down on 9th Avenue. It was a best electronic store, uh, and fucking New York, JRs. Something like that. It was like a block over from Madison Square Garden.

Were they, well, now those guys, are those guys Orthodox Jews or they Hasidic Jews? I don't know what they were, but they were the shit. They knew about everything and they had great prices. And they weren't open on Sundays. And I respected that, you know? Somebody's still doing it, the little house in the prairie way. Observing the Sabbath.

That's one of the worst things that we've done as a culture, as far as getting away from religion, is we got, we got away from a fucking day off. You know? This is how old I am. I remember when fucking malls and all that shit were closed on Sundays. You couldn't buy liquor.

Is that still true? Can you still not buy liquor? You couldn't buy beer. You couldn't fucking do anything. You just had to sit there and think about why God was gonna send you to hell, you know? But at least you weren't working. Do you guys remember that little house in the prairie episode?

Where fucking Michael Landon was busting his ass all week and then they had to go to church on Sunday. And he was so fucking tired, he fell asleep in his church clothes. And the mother looked at him and was like, should I wake him up? And she's like, oh no, he's sleeping like an angel. God wouldn't want me to bring him to church.

He, he should, this is the day of rest. He's resting like the Lord after six days of creating the universe. So the bitch goes to church. She goes to church and when she comes back, this asshole woke up from his little slumber and he was outside with an ox and he was plowing the fields again

and oh did she get mad at him. She really got mad at him. And then that little girl skipped down the hill and she fell into some shrubs. And that was the end of it. And that was another episode of Little House in the Prairie. Let's continue on with the Orthodox Jewish person's email. Because last week I was talking about a beanie.

Is that, is that offensive or whatever he said? I wanted to let you know that there is essentially the Yamaha. And yes, there is an R in there. But it's sort of silent. Is a skullcap as opposed to a beanie, which you were sort of confused about. Sort of confused.

You're being nice here. Calling it a beanie should not insult anyone. It's almost the same thing. What is the Pope wear? Technically it's called the, I can't even read what that was. Ziketo, Z-U-C-C-H-E-T-T-O. Also means skullcap.

The real meaning of the Yamaha is YAR, fear of, makah, the king. And it signifies that there is someone up above and that we are limited moral beings. Well, what do you mean it's, okay. Doesn't it really signify that there's someone above that used to be scared shit of and that we're limited?

That's easy. That's the thing that I never liked about organized religion is the bully factor. It's just like, why is this, how is God already mad at me? I'm six years old. You know what I mean? It just created like,

if you believe in this higher power, it's this fucking angry douchebag always looking down at you, pissed off at you. You know what I mean? Why are you fucking mad at me? You made me. You know what I mean? If I fucking built a car from ground up

and it didn't run, didn't run correctly, who the fuck am I gonna blame, the car? That doesn't make any sense. Did what I just say make any sense? I don't fucking know. All right, let's finish this. Also, you mentioned how the guy on the plane was wearing a Yamaha so big,

you weren't sure if it was a hat or some sort of giant Yamaha. I totally agree with you. I wear a normal-sized Yamaha and am a little annoyed even when someone wears one so big that it covers their whole head almost like a hat,

but to each his own, I guess. Anyway, as a big fan of your comedy and your podcast, well, thank you for listening. I appreciate that. You know what? I actually have a theory on those big-time Yamikas. I think that that is the, that's the poor man's toupee after a while.

Because if you're going bald in the back, you start to lose it in the back like I am. A Yamaha is great because it buys you another three years of people not knowing that you're losing your hair. See, a lot of people don't realize that Sammy Davis Jr. was actually losing a little bit of his afro

and that's why he converted to Judaism. A lot of people thought it was a show business move, but it wasn't. He was going bald. You heard it here first. So now I'm fascinated. What is the difference between an Orthodox Jewish person and a Hasidic Jew?

What is the difference? And also, do you believe in an afterlife? Do you believe that God is mad at you? What are the Catholic shit that I learned? Can you eat a cheeseburger on Friday? And I know like all religions, you consider yourselves 100% right and the chosen ones. You guys have the Notre Dame, God loves us best.

You know, you have that too, that disease that is in every fucking religion. You shouldn't kill anyone, but God loves us the best. And anyone who doesn't believe what we believe is going to hell. Have a great week, everybody. Be sure to pass that on to people who don't believe in us.

Why does every character in my fucking act talk like that? What did the priest used to sound like in my church? Hey, how you doing? You looking pretty good in that alt-boy outfit. Go ahead, lift it up a little bit. Thank you. That was my impression of a Catholic priest. All right.

I've been doing a lot of ranting and raving on this podcast, people. Talking about those little save, you know, those little scan cards at the grocery store. And somebody told me that what you're actually doing is taking a survey and, you know, to help them figure out what products you can't live without so they can jack the price up. And I've actually taken that as law.

So this is somebody, and I've had a bunch of different theories. Here's another theory. A couple of weeks ago, you brought up the saver cards at the stores wondering what the purpose of, and you were wondering what the purpose of them was. You speculated that it was,

so they knew what you were buying to jack up the prices. But with the bar cord scanning, they already know how much inventory they move and what sells better than other things. The purpose of the car is to gather your information to sell it to mailing lists who then send you junk mail or spam since they always ask for an email address.

They also can be used as an incentive to keep you going to the store instead of a competitor, i.e. going to Macy's instead of JCPenney's. They give you the discount without the card occasionally so you can be lured into saving 10% or so every time you go there so they can eventually get your information. Hey, your guess is as good as mine. I don't know what they're up to,

but I also noticed that most of the shit that's on sale is their bootleg version of the real shit. You know what I mean? Like Ralph's olive oil, you know? I've noticed that that's another great way like they could be like, okay, we're selling the food. What if we made it also, you know, and had our own fucking farms?

I don't know, I just don't like, I don't trust people who are going out of their way to give me a fucking break. I don't, you know what I mean? That's like the fucking Andrew Carnegie kind of like, kind of like, way of doing shit. You know, you fuck people over your whole life and then the end of your life,

you're worried that maybe really there is a God and then you become a philanthropist and you start giving your shit away. Fuck you. You sit there with your guilt. I'll pay full price for the peanut butter. Thank you very much. All right, another theory.

What the fuck is this one? This guy says, I'm a software engineer who finished working for a company that stores and reports on all sorts of insane sales data. Some examples of that type of data they can gather. Sales of products based on ethnicity. Yeah, see, this is why I think they also want the card

because it's not enough to know, oh, we sold 20 boxes of fruit loops. They want to know, was it a guy? Was it a fucking girl? How old were they? What color? The main data I saw in this kind was defined as Hispanic or non-Hispanic.

I guess that's sales based on ethnicity. This is a guy who gathers his data, I guess. He says, if there is a floor display in some store, what is the effect on the sales of the item while the display? What? I'm the worst. If there is a floor display in the store,

what is the effect on sales of that item while the display is present? Let's say, for example, there was a NASCAR event sponsored by Coca-Cola. They keep track of Coke sales in that region around the time of that event. Furthermore, they analyze if the cost of sponsoring this event made them enough money to profit

to make it worthwhile sponsoring similar events. This is just a small portion of wacky shit. They update weekly. That was written in capital letters. Weekly, I guess that's important. Weekly. They know every single damn item that was moved out of each and every store,

every single week. So basically, the stores with the Savvy Save cards get two huge benefits. They sell this data to my old company to make money, and they let the consumer feel as they have some kind of superhuman power to save 40 cents when they buy three gallons of milk in one visit. So there you go.

I don't know. You're helping them gather information. I don't like the pricks, so I'm not using one. All right. Now, let's get to the meat of the podcast here, people. Shall we? I'm doing this on a football fucking Sunday right now because I could give a shit

about other teams in the league right now. All I give a fuck about right now is my Patriots. And it's basically because I've watched so much fucking hockey this week that I'm kind of all I'm done with sports. I watched, I was flipping back and forth between the Ohio State, Iowa Hawkeyes game this week, and I was also flipping back between that

and the USC Stanford game. And Jesus Christ, how about a moment of silence for the fucking fans of the USC Trojans who went out to see I mean, that was a fucking ass rape and you guys took, you know? And I'll tell you right now, Trojan fans, you have no fucking right getting mad at Jim Harbaugh for going for two points. Let me set this up.

Basically, Stanford was up 48 to 21. For those of you overseas, usually you just kick an extra point right to make it 49, or you can go for a two-point conversion. There's no reason to go for a two-point conversion when there's six minutes left and you're up by four, five scores and they went for it and the crowd started booing. And, you know, you gotta understand, you guys, USC for the last five years,

you have been raping everyone in the Pac-10. You bent them over. I mean, how many times did you guys score 50, 60 points? Sent the other team crying on that little team bus, sent them home crying, right? Well, what goes around comes around. And I became a huge Stanford and Jim Harbaugh fan with the fact that he went for two points

and then he also, in the end, they got the ball back again and he went for the end zone. They end up winning 55 to 21. Jim Harbaugh was trying to literally end the football program at USC. It was one of the most vengeful, the biggest acts of vengeance I've seen in sports in a while. I fucking loved every second of it. And I was also watching the OSU Iowa Hawkeyes game

and those of you, the fans of the podcast, know that my new tradition is I go to the Rose Bowl every year. So both of those games were huge. I was, you know, I really didn't want to see USC again, mainly because, you know, I like Variety and that fat cunt from last year's game was a USC fan. So I'm happy that she had a miserable day. You know, she probably didn't 100%.

She probably, you know, had a dozen donuts in front of her. So it wasn't a total loss. Really, Bill, 11 months later, you're still giving her shit about her weight. Yeah, I am. And then Iowa, you know, that fucking quarterback for Iowa, that kid's 19 years old. I'll tell you, all you Longhorn fans

sitting there talking about that Colt McCoy, that kid at Iowa was those are the fucking plays. Those are the passes you have to make to make it onto the fucking pros. All right, you have to throw the same kind of throws that they throw at the NFL level. You can't be running the fucking option and gaining like 150 yards a game

and then also throwing for 200. No one gives a fuck. The second you start running, watch Tim Tebow, watch that guy when he goes into the draft. That guy is going to be like, I swear, if he goes in the second round, it's not going to surprise me. He's a tight end playing fucking, you're not gonna,

that Jesus freak. I don't give a fuck how many Psalms he writes underneath his fucking eyes is going to get laid out in the pro level. He's going to get fucking laid out. I guarantee, that's my prediction. All right, and they're going to make him a flanker. They're going to bring back that position.

So anyway, so I did that. I watched the, and then I watched the Flyers in the Sabres and I watched the Bruins and the Penguins game. I actually watched the Penguins game this morning. I watched the fucking recording of it. So I'm all, I got nothing left. I can't watch any more fucking sports,

but I have to watch the Patriots tonight, play Cuntface Magoo in the Indianapolis Colts. And I really hope the Patriots win because I really want to hear how Peyton Manning is going to figure out how to complain about Bill Belichick and the Patriots this year. That guy is one of the biggest fucking babies in the history of the NFL.

One of the biggest crybabies in the history of the fucking NFL. They were holding on to our receivers and I couldn't get the ball to them. Remember that year? He cried about it after the game. He made a tape. Three weeks later at the Pro Bowl,

he cried about it. He cried about it all the way to the draft. Now, if you're ever watching the NFL and you're wondering, why is it illegal to cover receivers now? It's because of Peyton Manning whining. He wore a diaper from fucking January until May, crying about this fucking game.

They will hold it up and then they could run and I felt like a jerk. And then what happens? They make this rule where basically you can't cover a receiver and the very next year he goes out. Not only does he break Dan Marino's touchdown record, he shatters it.

A record that had been around for 20 years. You know how it had been around for 20 years? I'll tell you why. Because you could cover receivers and Dan Marino was the shit. That's why. Dan Marino owns every fucking passing record out there except Brett Favre decided to play till he was 50.

You know? Jesus Christ. If Dan Marino played till he was 50, you never would have, and you couldn't cover receivers, that guy would have fucking thrown 90 touchdowns. And I hated the guy. Patriots fan, he used to kill us all the time.

And people still give the guy shit because he never won a Super Bowl. What was he supposed to do? Tackle people too? You fucking morons? The guy never had a running back? Dan Marino's the greatest quarterback that ever fucking played the game.

The guy was a beast. Second year in the league, he throws for like 5,000 yards. Who does that? Nobody. Nobody does that. Okay? So this half-retarded Frankenstein

is coming in, his big Frankenstein fucking head. He's coming in there to play the Patriots today. And I don't know what's gonna happen. You know what's great? Is I'm recording this before the game happened. So I gotta talk some shit here, what I think's gonna happen. I actually think the Colts are gonna win.

I think the Patriots' defense is still, it's too new, it's too young. And even though Bill Belichick is a defensive genius, and he's slowly molding them into that suffocating, quote-unquote, boring defense that we had. Remember that? The beginning of the 2000s,

when everybody said the Patriots were a boring team with no stars on it. And I take Peyton Manning over fucking Tom Brady. What's the score? Three Super Bowls to one. Really? You'd rather have fucking one title rather than three? Well, good luck to you.

So, I don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen today, but I have faith. I have faith in my boys, and I think we're gonna fucking, we're gonna eke out a victory. And I think fucking Peyton Manning is gonna cry about it,

and he's gonna throw his team under the bus. We had some protection issues. We had protection issues. Fucking, what a douchebag. You know what I mean? He should go have a sword fight with that fucking idiot kicker, his. All right, there you go.

That's my prediction. Anyways, was there a prediction in there? Yeah, my heart is saying that the Patriots are gonna win by three. My brain is telling me that we might lose by seven, just because I just, like I said, we have a brand new fucking defense,

and it's gonna take them. Believe it or not, it does take a good year or two for guys to get used to each other, to know where they're gonna be at, you know? To know where you got help and all that type of shit. So anyways, let's continue on with the podcast. Oh, let's get into this shit storm.

Last week, I did a, somebody asked me a question about why, when a guy does something, for his girlfriend, why is it never enough? And one of the problems that I've had and that this guy had last week is you try to plan something that both you and your girlfriend can enjoy as you're night out,

and evidently women have a problem when you pick something for the both of you to do that you as a guy will also enjoy. Evidently, from what I'm reading from these fucking psycho emails that I got this week, is that if it's not 100% about them, if you don't literally make a rose bowl fucking float,

sit them on it and then drag it down the street with your fucking teeth, they feel that you got too much and enjoyment out of the evening. So basically the evening was, it was really your evening. It was really, look at the fucking wedding day. You stand in it like an idiot

and she makes this grand entrance. She gets some one of a kind dress and you get a tuxedo that some fucking drunk's gonna wear at a 15 year anniversary for a bowling alley the next fucking week. You know what I mean? All right, let's listen to what the twats

had to say this week. All right, here's this wonderful girl and I say she's wonderful because she actually admitted that she was a psycho because I actually emailed her and asked her why do you only respond to male female shit? And she sort of in her own little cute way

admitted that she was a psycho, so I can't hate her. But anyways, this is her email. Hey Bill, I love the clueless email questions from your male listeners. That's always a great way, by the way, to get the other people to listen to what you have to say.

Right out of the gate, just start insulting them and talking down to them. He said the guy was asking why is it never enough to please a woman? Since he admits he, and then she's referring to his email. She says since he admits he isn't home a lot,

I'm guessing his wife slash girlfriend is doing all the dirty work for him. His laundry, cleaning, cooking, picking up after him, et cetera. All right, let's stop right there. She's doing all the dirty work. Let me ask you guys a question. Would you rather sit home doing laundry?

First of all, laundry is the most overrated fucking chore ever. If you have laundry in your fucking apartment, that takes all of a minute to load the fucking thing in. And if you're not color blind, it probably takes 45 seconds to load it in. And then you go back to watching the prices right.

Cleaning, cooking, picking up after him. I would rather do that than do what this other guy's doing. This other guy is working like 60 hours a fucking week. Okay, let's move it. She's already made this assumption. Okay, then she wants him to spend some time with him. And he comes up with something that he wanted to do. Just like when you took your girlfriend on that drive.

All we heard about was the love story between you and the car. You were more excited about the car than anything. It was like you were on a date with the car and your girlfriend just came along for the ride. Listen back to even the tone in your voice when you were talking about it. It's like you were talking about another woman.

All right, you know something? I could sit around for 20 years, trying to come up with the perfect paragraph to talk how insanely jealous and psychotic women are. Can you, they are jealous about an inanimate object. She's talking about a car. It's almost like you were talking about another woman. Lady, you are out of your fucking mind.

You're out of your fucking mind. And you're totally ignoring the fact that I took her out to dinner. I took her out to lunch. I took her up for a ride up to Pacific Coast Highway. People fly out here as a vacation to do that. A lot of couples do that. And I'll tell you right now, they don't do it in a Corvette convertible.

They do it in like a fucking, whatever, a Buick Century. Really? I mean, it literally is never enough. You're actually proving this guy's point. This guy's point. So she says, my husband does the same damn thing. I'm like, what can we do for fun today slash tonight? And the only thing he can come up with

are things that interest him. Well, what can you come up with? Can you come up with anything that doesn't interest yourself? Your selfish cunt? You're doing the exact same fucking thing. And it's unbelievably selfish for you to sit here and have a day that's for both of you. And it has to be 100% about you.

Because what? You did some laundry? You lazy fuck? You know what women are? They're basically, they're like adult children. That's what they are. They never get beyond. They're like juveniles.

They're adults, but they still want to be treated like they're not of age. It's just fucking boggles my goddamn mind. She goes, I'd rather not do anything at all. I think it's selfish and obnoxious that everything we do has to have his interests before mine. So everything that they do should have your interests before his? You're fucking broad.

So this is my thing. This is why you should never get married. You should never be in a fucking relationship. You shouldn't because they just constantly fucking hack away at your goddamn knees. And their idea of a relationship is that you do everything that they want to do. And right now they're sitting there shaking their heads.

They're going, no, no. Even the girl wrote that's probably saying no. And there's a bunch of other women going like, I'm not like that. I'm not like that. I went to a ping pong convention. They always come up with some stupid ass fucking example. And at the end of the fucking day,

you have to do everything that they do. They have to do what the fuck they want to do or else they get mad. Okay. And that, my friend, is when jerking off comes into play. Because when you really break it down, what's the worst thing that they're going to do to you? They're not going to fuck you for a few days.

Okay. And I got to be honest with you. Once you rub one out, who gives a fuck? And you have to have that clarity when your nuts are full. Do you know what I mean? Am I sounding like a fucking maniac here? I know I am. I know I am.

But you got to hear what this other woman wrote. And of course, I don't have it in front of me because I'm an idiot. Where the fuck is it? All right. I am writing to comment on the why it is never enough discussion on your last episode. Episode.

I'll start by saying that the guy that wrote in and to a slightly lesser extent, you come off as total douches. Let me explain my view of the writer's situation. Oh, I guess the guy sent the email. And yes, I am one of those manipulative selfish creatures known as women. Yeah, you are what you called yourself out on it.

Now I'm supposed or was I supposed to like read that and be like, wow, I really am too harsh on women. See, you're like trying to manipulate me with your fucking bullshit already. Okay. Here we go. I don't remember the names. So I'll call him Bob and his wife, Sally.

Bob neglects Sally, a huge fuck up on Bob's part. Now let's let's get back to the detail here. He's neglecting her. What is he? Is he out at the bar chasing other women? This guy is out working his fucking ass off. This is the thing that women don't understand. What they don't understand is I this is maybe I'm being a

moron again or a douche as this lady says. I think a lot of women don't understand what it takes to be successful. What it takes is sacrifice. And in your twenties, you have to work your fucking ass off. That's what I did for five years. My first five years in this fucking business, I had no girlfriend.

I had no social life. I had nothing. All I was doing shows and fucking rubbing one out. That's what the fuck I did every goddamn day. I went to work. I was writing jokes at work. And at night I got in a piece of shit car and I would sometimes drive to another fucking state.

And you know why I had no girlfriend during that time? Because none of them could understand what I had to do to get where I am today. All of them were giving me shit. You're doing stand-up again tonight? Do you realize how many Richard Pryor's are fucking working at a Home Depot or Jimi Hendrix because they hooked up with the wrong fucking twat

who talked them out of their goddamn dream because they didn't want to hear it because they said you needed some sort of responsibility. This fucking guy is doing the right thing and she's calling him selfish. He's at work busting his ass trying to get ahead. So when he's 40 he's not a fucking loser. And they all want the fucking house.

They all wanted fucking yesterday but they don't want to get through the bullshit of it. They don't want to go through the bullshit of it where you actually have to not see him for a little while because he's out working. So anyways, huge fuck up on his part to be busting his goddamn ass. So he says,

Bob decides to make it up to her by taking her to see your live show. She says, which is awesome. And a dinner, which is pretty standard. This is how out of control women are. She's getting a free fucking meal. And they're so spoiled as a sex that she's described a free fucking meal as standard.

Do you know what I have to do as a man to get a free meal? I have to like win like a fucking, like a radio contest. You know, I got to call up this radio station and imitate the local sports guy and I have to beat out all these other fucking guys who are, I haven't had a free meal since I was like eight years old. My parents took me to McDonald's or whatever, like maybe 13, 14.

Women are so fucking spoiled that this guy is busting his ass at work. That's viewed as selfish. He's buying this girl a free dinner and it's viewed as standard. They're out of their fucking mind. So anyway, she goes, Sally basically tells her friends

who may or may not know that Bob has been fucking up. Once again, Bob is fucking up because he's busting his ass at work. So when they're 40, they're going to be on easy street. He's fucking up right now. These same bitches who make your fucking, you know, not chase your dream, leave you when you're 38 because you're a fucking loser.

Right? All right. I love generalizing. It really gets these twats, cunt hairs in a fucking, I didn't want to, I can't even finish that sentence. That was so evil. All right, let's, let's plow ahead. Um,

who may or may not know that Bob has been fucking up, that this night out is not what she had in mind, but she is taking what she can get playing the victim. Oh, the poor baby. She's taking what she got a free meal. She's just taking what she can get. And she's getting a show to come out to my show, one of the best fucking comedians in the country.

You like that? I'm talking shit. It's football Sunday. And I'm a plus. I'm reading the Ric Flair, the best comic on the show. Ric Flair, the best comic on the biggest hill. Anyways, Bob gets upset and determines that no one has ever or will ever be able to please any female code for why should he even make an effort

to make his wife happy in their marriage? That's not code for that. That's how you read into it. You've never met Bob. You've made all kinds of assumptions here. Poor, poor Bob. Bob's doucheery becomes a crystal, becomes crystal clear when he is,

when he says something to the effect of this whole night out was supposed to be about her. This is classic male privilege, wankery. But I realized this is hard for you and Bob to see, so I'm here to help. I'll try to make it simple. When you piss off your wife, bringing her along to a show you already wanted to go to,

and that she is only mildly interested in, then being a little scrotum about it when she is underwhelmed by the fact that you are actually making an effort to go out with her, which is what you should have been doing as a matter of course is not the way to go. Oh my God. I mean, the arrogance in this.

I love people who are arrogant and they're calling you out for being arrogant. Bringing her to a show. Do you understand? Like, I'm going to stop being a jerk here because maybe I can actually convince a couple of women. Do you understand what it takes? This is actually, you know, I've been generalizing.

There are women out there who understand what it takes to become successful. And I guarantee you, most of them are not in relationships and they have a difficult time being in relationships, you know, because the guy they're with wants to go home and play fucking footsie or wants her around and doesn't understand that these are the years where she has to bust her ass

to get where the fuck she's going to be, you know? So, lady, both of you guys are 100% wrong. I could see if this guy was out drinking with his buddies, if this guy was out fucking around on her, or if he was just sitting there staring at the TV watching football and not paying attention to her when he brings her out. Yeah, then I could see that he should have some sort of mini

all about you wedding day for her, okay? But if this guy is busting his ass at fucking work, okay? He's not going out having a good time either. So, he should be allowed to have some sort of enjoyment. You know what I'm saying? He should be able to enjoy some of the day, some of the night also. And this is another thing that you haven't even brought up.

How much of the rent do you think he's fucking paying? I'd be willing to bet that he's paying more than she is. A lot of guys are in that situation too when you get this, the adult child version of a fucking woman. I'm telling you, you women, I'm telling you, the two who wrote in, you're way out of line on this one. I'm not even trying to be funny right now. You're 100% in the fucking wrong here.

You're being selfish, beyond fucking selfish. This guy is at work. He's busting his ass, trying to get ahead. Do you think this guy wants to fucking work 60 hours a week? Nobody dreams about doing that. Why do you think he's doing that? He's trying to become successful. You know, so the next time you're, you know, like I said,

if this guy had been fucking around, or if this guy had been sitting there watching, you know, sports and not paying attention to you and hadn't given you a compliment since you could fucking remember, yeah, then I could understand. You know what I mean? Taking you to the whatever the fuck you wanted to go to. But for you to sit there

and this guy spends his hard earned fucking money, takes you out to dinner, okay? Which you got to understand is not standard, okay? And how fucking spoiled are you that you think that that is standard? I got the fucking hiccups here. I'm so goddamn upset. You guys are 100% wrong.

And if any of you broads out there want to try to come out and support these two girls, I mean, go for it because I don't see how they're wrong. This guy did nothing wrong. He took her out to go see a show. It's just, you know what his stand up comedy is not respected. It isn't. If he took you out to see a Broadway show

or a fucking musical or I guess that's the same thing. I don't know what. I guess if he took you out for dinner in a movie, I love how like guys always have to show some sort of imagination. It's standard. It was just imagination. We like surprises.

And it's like, when was the last time your girl actually showed any fucking imagination when they got you a shirt? You know, or some sports DVD? You know, did they ever really show any sort of fucking imagination? I'll tell you, it does. My girl, she actually showed some imagination one year

when I first met her. I was playing drums, you know. She knew I was into drums. She knew I loved them. And she actually got me this pair of drums. She got me a pair of drumsticks. We don't even go on for like a month. So there was like that thing.

You can't get a really huge gift, but you got to get them some. She got me a pair of drumsticks and she had my initials engraved in them. I never even used them. I thought it was really, it was unique. It was loving, you know. And it didn't cost her that much money

and it was totally fucking cool. I wouldn't be like, well, you know, it's, you got to do that every birthday, you know. Surprise me. Like you did with the drumsticks. It spent a ton of fucking money too, you know. I didn't know if that even fucking, I think I started to make one point

and then I made another one in that one. I'm so fucking annoyed by these, these women, they're out of their fucking minds. You're out of your fucking minds. Okay. And if the guy who wrote that email last week, don't listen to these fucking twats, all right. You're out there, you're busting your goddamn ass.

You have to sit down and you have to explain to your wife or your girlfriend or whatever the fuck she is, what it takes to become successful because I'm telling you, you understand what it is. You're doing what everybody else did in their 20s. All those people out there, you know, the broads with the tramp stamps

and the guys with the tribal band tattoo who are out there doing keg stands and fucking everything that moves, doing their best to catch herpes every fucking weekend. Those people, they wonder what happens. When they get to their 30s and their 40s, they wonder what the fuck happened, you know. And they're looking at you like you're a shithead, you know.

Now the payoff is, is usually when you become successful, you end up renting a Corvette at 41. Having sort of a mini midlife crisis. But I'm telling you, I'd rather be me than those other fucking dudes. I really would. So you really need to explain to this woman who looks at you busting your ass as neglect,

as being selfish, it's just beyond me. It's fucking beyond you. Doing what you're supposed to be doing as a man is a man is supposed to work and he's supposed to provide for his family. And what you are doing is you are laying the groundwork for you to do that as best as you possibly can. And for someone to say that that is selfish

is just fucking beyond me. Okay, let me ask you this. When you went out that night, how fucking tired were you? How many times did you yawn from work in all fucking week? You know what I mean? You know, aren't you allowed to go out and have a good time with your girlfriend with a little bit of shit that she enjoys,

a little bit of stuff that you enjoy? Isn't that like a fucking relationship? I mean, am I out of my fucking mind here? Anyways, this is really just gonna become a woman bashing thing. This really just fucking tapped into this. Here's another email I got. Bill, this got me so pissed off and I swear the first thing that came to my mind was,

wait till Bill hears this shit. I guess I listened to your show too much. So here's the story. He goes, I went on my lunch break with a female coworker today and the true mind of a female really shined. I'm telling you, women, you really gotta chime in here and trash guys because this is really becoming,

this is like the guys this week are Stanford and women are fucking USC. But whatever, watch Oprah. You always win on that show. Here we go. First off, I'm not interested in this female. We are just friends. We have, we've even talked about this

and I've explained to her and we agree nothing is happening there. No problem. So we go out to get a sandwich and her ATM account is frozen. She calls the bank and they think something's wrong and won't give her the money till they talk tomorrow. Right there, fuck the banks, right?

Exactly. You can't even get your own fucking money provided she's not overdrawn. So here we go. So he goes, I would have lent her the cash but I was broke. I offered to give her all the money, all the money in my pocket about $2.50 in pocket change.

That would at least bought her a coffee. I already paid for my sandwich when we found out about the ATM so she turns down that but asked me to drive her a few blocks to go to the bank and I happily do. That doesn't work and we have to go back to work. This is all during your lunch hour. She asked me to borrow a credit card or something to get food. I don't have any so she can't.

So she calls back the job and asks another guy for $5.00. He says, yes. She then asked me for the $2.50 she turned down before. I said, sure. Now, here is the fucking kicker. So now this girl has $7.50. She then tells me word for word. Well, since I got $5.00 now, let me tell you something.

And with this fake grin on her face trying to soften the blow, actually she wasn't. She's going into cut mode here. She goes, if you were in this jam, I would have offered you half of my sandwich but that's okay. I'm just saying. And the guy said, I was floored. I was like, yo, first off, you only said this after you got the money

because you knew how it might make me feel. And now you have my money and don't need my sandwich. So basically you just wanted to make me feel shitty for not living up to your standard of friendship. She laughed it off and said she was trying to offend me. She wasn't trying to offend me and let it go. Bullshit, you called her out on her shit. Notice how she waited till she got your $2.50

and then did the little fucking two point reversal on you. Then she brings it up again. And now I realize she was really bothered by the fact I didn't offer the sandwich I bought with my last $5.00 to my name. Meanwhile, she has $400.00 in the bank. They just won't give it to her. Tomorrow she will be fine. I will still be broke yet she still thinks I should have given her

half of the last sandwich I can for a week till I get paid. The thing that gets me the most is we work a labor job. I'm always helping her lift and move things because she herself brings up the point she is a girl. Yet she talks all the time about how men and women are equal in the workplace and she should be treated the same. And this isn't some dumb cunt. She went to school for four years, got a degree, changed her mind

and now she's going back to get another degree that will take her six more years. She reads and studies all day and I enjoy her conversations because she's smart. But at the end of the day, I have learned she is still a woman and she still feels she should somehow be babied by other men simply because she is a woman. I'm not sleeping with her.

We are just friends. Why do you feel entitled to half of my last, even if after I go out of my sandwich, even if after I go out of my way, every way I can to help you? Exactly. You gave her every last cent in your fucking pants. You drove her down to the bank.

You drove her back to work. This was all during your fucking lunch hour. You're lifting her boxes and all that type of shit. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, maybe you could have given her half your fucking sandwich. I don't know what your relationship is with her, but that's the classic, you know,

I could see if she got the five dollars out of the other guy, you know, and didn't take your 250, but she gets the five and then takes your 250 and then brings it up. You know what I mean? I'm telling you, do right then, like if someone did that to me, I would be done with them.

I would be done with them. I wouldn't tell them that I would be done with them. What I would do, it was I would wait for the next time she needed me to lift something. I would do a cunty smile back to her and be like, you know, if I was asking you, I would make sure that I would lift half the box with me. You know, or whatever the fuck you want to say.

Anyways, he said, thanks for letting me, vent, sign the Jewish dude. All right, let's see here. I think that might be it, that's it, right? I think that is it. That is it for the podcast. All right, well, let me say it. Let me state for the record here.

I don't know, after the second time reading that, maybe you could have given her half your, or part of your sandwich, offered her a bite, but you know, you spent all your fucking money, then she finds out she's fucking broke. But that is the typical female fucking thing. Oh, we're equal, Riegel, rescue me, rescue me. We're equal, we're equal, rescue me.

They basically, they ride that fence, okay? And what most of them do is when it's a good thing to be equal, then you're equal. And when it's a bad thing to be equal, like, I have to pick up something heavy, then it's like, oh, I'm just a girl, or dinner comes along, and the check comes along, then I'm a female, you should be a gentleman.

I did a bit about this a long fucking time ago. So basically, they can't, I mean, what are they doing that's wrong there? They're just trying to manipulate the situation to their advantage. All you have to do is a guy, just be conscious of it, and call them out on their shit. You should have asked for your 250 back,

and when she said no, you should have demonstrated your strength as a man, tipped her upside down, and shook it out of her. That's it, that's it for the Monday Morning Podcast. That was kind of dark, that was kind of evil, it was kind of ugly, and I anticipate a lot of emails, but that's how the podcast goes sometimes. And I know it wasn't on a cell phone, but go fuck yourself.

That's how I'm doing them, that's how I'm going to continue doing them. If you don't like it, fucking go listen to the old ones. Go listen to the old ones, you pricks. This week I'm going to be at The Improv in Tempe, Arizona. All right, I'm going to be there on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And there's been a little switcheroo on my schedule.

I was supposed to be going to Seattle. I was supposed to be going to Seattle to play Giggles Comedy Club, but unfortunately that comedy club does not advertise. So the only way I sell tickets is to go on this one particular radio show, and they changed the format and got rid of my hookup up there. So there's no way for me to go into town

to let anybody know that I'm going to be there. So the club owner would just lose a ton of fucking money. So like a class guy, I switched out the date. Okay, so basically I think I'm going to be maybe doing Seattle in January. So instead of going to Giggles in Seattle, I will be at the Punchline in Sacramento, California. Punchline, Sacramento, California,

on December 10th, 11th, and 12th, and 13th. And the week before that, I will be at Hilarities in Cleveland. Go to billburd.com, B-U-R-R for all the dates, and I can't believe I forgot to mention this at the top of the podcast. Tickets are on sale for my next standup, a one-hour standup comedy special. It's going to be at the Fillmore on December 17th

in San Francisco, California. If you would like to come, oh, shit, I don't have any of the fucking information. I am the goddamn worst. Do I have the link? I don't even have the link on my website. I am the fucking worst. Go to livenation.com.

That's where the tickets are being sold. Just type in billburd December 17th at the Fillmore. You will be able to find it. Or you can join my mailing list because I know I sent out information about that. I'm the worst. All right, I'll have all the information next week. I'll be putting a bulletin up on my billburd.com

or my MySpace page. Oh, and the other thing I forgot to tell you is I have uninformedradio.com. It's the new website for the uninformed show. I believe that's it. Let me try it once again. I'm the fucking worst. I don't have any of the information.

Hang on a second. Fucking voices going way up here. Hang on. Everybody who are fans of the uninformed show with Bill Burr and Joe DeRosa. Everybody has asked me for the longest times. Where can I get the shows? What do we do?

Okay, uninformedradio.com. uninformedradio.com. If you go there, you can download all the shows and they're going to be for free. So if you'd like to hear more of me running my fucking mouth, you can go there, uninformedradio.com. That is it. All you guys have a great week

and I will talk to you next Monday. And that's it. God bless. I have my socks that make you worry. I have hair frizzing from the head to the heel. And in the mist, I catch a mist. How many boys are there in this way? But why?

But why? No, no. Why have you given me? Meet me in the rain. Little eyes so sweet, very lucky that I love you. All alone as an idiot. I'm waiting there and I'm bored.

And I'm also asking myself some problems. Yet we know each other through a clear night. In any case, it was the party. Why have you said yes? All in low spirits. Why have you given me? Meet me in the rain. COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same.

Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org. Or call 877-904-5097.