Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-16-23Episode Date: November 17, 2023
Bill rambles about egg cremes, Monaco, and getting deep. (00:00) Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:14) Thursday Throwback: 11-16-23: Bill rambles about MSG show, Thanksgiving Douche, and Ronda Rousey fight. (01:31:46) Anything Better Week 11 NFL Preview & Pics SimpliSafe: Listeners can get a special 50% off any SimpliSafe system with a Fast Protect Plan at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Helix: Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners in honor of Black Friday! Go to Helix Sleep dot com slash BURR and use code HELIXPARTNER25
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utility bill payment options, so you'll never miss a deadline again. Join the nearly 400,000 other Tarantoneans who have already started enjoying the benefits of the My Toronto Pay platform. Visit tarano.ca slash My Toronto Pay to find out more. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday money, money, podcast and I'm just checking in on you, checking in to see how you're doing. Seeing how you're feeling. Sorry, I'm way behind this week. I got some family in town,
family baggaged, and I didn't do the podcast last night and this morning, I had to do the Rich Eyes and Show. One of my favorite, favorite shows to do, transcend sports, just a fucking great guy, went down there and had a great time. So I think it's live, I'm not sure. Fuck it, well do it live.
Think it's live, so I don't know if it already happened or not. I think it did. I think it already happened. Whatever. We had a great discussion. We talked about, you know, people talking about firing Bill Belichek. We talked about the Michigan thing. We talked about old dads. I could finally talk about old dads. I, I, I fucking sat in traffic. I mean, I had a whole goddamn day. I got to get back to the gym. I'm eating right, but I got to get back to the gym. I swear to God, dude, I like, I understand why guys my age are just doing this shit.
You know, it's like, you know, the testosterone, right? The hair plugs, the, the bow talks, the penis enlargement, the calf implants. Right? The horse tranquilizers. I understand, you know, the micro dosing. I get it. I get it. If you just fucking naturally live out your life,
whatever that means, you don't take any supplements or anything like that. You know, I watch these lines take down an elephant one time. And that's what life is. Life is the lions and you're the fucking elephant. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha was young, but then it was fucking thing was old. And it just happens one time that last lion jumps on you and you're two back knees buckle and you go down, your back legs buckle, and that's just fucking it. The thing just goes down and just never
and you're fucking, come on man, get up. You know, and the thing just doesn't fucking get up. And like, that's what it is. If I don't go to the gym and I don't eat right and I don't stretch within like a week and a half period, I just become, become Billy Old Face. And I have to tell you that my mobility and my strength is a 55 year old man versus 55 year old men
when I was a kid like we got to admit human beings are fucking crushing it for a long long there was no chicks that were fuckable in their 50s when I was a kid well into their 40s they were, they weren't even over the hill, they were the horizon. It was fucking over. They laid in the sun, they smoked fucking cigarettes, they drank booze, I mean, they literally look like Robert Shaw and fucking jaws by the, even with the sideburns too, by the time they were like,
fucking 48, it was a wrap. And, you know, you look at some of that shit. Like look at, I just was looking the other day, somebody put this up on Instagram when you watched all in the family. They look like they was 70, they were in their fucking 40s. So I don't know what to tell you. So anyway, So I don't know what to tell you. So anyway, yeah, I start aging in Carol O'Connor years. So, you know, I did so well when I was in New York, but if you knew from the last podcast, I tried an egg cream.
So, you know, once I did that, I took a hit of the crack pipe, but I've just, I've been able to not relapse on the desserts. You know, I've seen them. I've been in the vicinity relapse on the desserts. You know, I've seen them. I've been in the vicinity. I'm looking at them. They're looking at me. Oh, for God fucking sakes.
What do you want? What do you want? What do the person call me and then not call me? What is going on? Hang on a second. You know, God bless these fucking people. They try to do something in the neighborhood. I just picked up the phone and the person just goes, Hi, Hi, I'm Patty something or rather, you know, um, is this a good time to talk? I said, No, I'm doing
a podcast, but have a great day, Patty. Patty cake, Patty cake, old Patty, Patty cake, Patty cake. Stop knocking on the doors. That's a fucking thankless job. Just walking around doing that shit. What was I talking about? I was talking about the goddamn egg cream. No, I've been able to fucking look at these desserts and they're looking back at me. You know what I mean?
Like I'm looking across at Mike's single tearing his eyes are getting all wide like he's going to come in and fuck me up and I'm able to do the Dan Marino quick release and get the fuck away from it. And all it takes is like, you know, if you just dipped back into sugar again and you just did one thing, all it takes is like a day and a half and it's gone. If you've been on the sugar, if you're using, if you're avoiding your friends and your loved ones and you're just locking yourself in a closet, consuming a fucking, you know, Antimons cake yourself, then, you know, it's going to take longer. But at least I got that out of my fucking life.
But anyway, I watched a little football the other night, the Buffalo Bills versus the Denver Broncos, me and Paul Verzi. We picked the Monday night special on that MGM. And I, you know, I watched that fucking game. Like I can't figure out like, I felt like both Josh Allen and Russell were like They were just that they're just like in their heads They were making throws that they don't normally make it was kind of like a weird thing Didn't understand why that was happening
And I still can't believe like how the fuck is Buffalo a five and five team? They were like stacked, they were loaded. What is going on? The whole fucking AFC East is just, it's just in shambles. Then the dolphins came roaring out. Yeah, the dolphins are gonna do it. Then they've been shit in the bed. And now for whatever fucking reason, the raiders are going down to Miami and they're like,
they're like, fucking the dolphins are favored by, like, I don't know, 62 points or something. I guess because they have that backup quarterback, the backup to the backup to the backup, like the giants. I don't know. This is a weird time of year. People start getting hurt. People start getting fired, right? People start eating, drinking egg creams,
and what happens? It all goes down fall, good shit. Anyway, I had one of my buddies came to town and I went down to the comedy store last night to do a benefit, and I had this new idea that I wanted to do. And I was like, you know what, fuck this, I'm gonna open with this thing and just see where this goes. And it went absolutely perfectly. And of course, I didn't record it because I never
record. And then I started mumbling it to myself when I got home. And I was already fucking it up. And I was just like, why, why, why, why wouldn't you just record it? Just to that first time, just to have it when you're speaking from the hat, right? And you're not thinking about why isn't this working like it did the other night or how did I say it last night? You're just fucking there. You're there and the crowd is there like those fucking cookies downstairs that my wife keeps buying, you know, because she likes something sweet every once in a while and I just say, can you get this shit out of them? It's not fair. It's not fair to live with somebody and tell them to get all the cookies and chips out of the house.
You know, they have to live like this, this, this, all or nothing lifestyle because you don't know how to fucking control your impulses. You know? You can have some chips and then leave. She, you know what? She can walk away. She can fucking make a little money in blackjack and go back to the fucking, we're not me. I'm fucking, I'm staying at the table.
Right? Split Norios. Sorry. Split Norios, like, aces, you it, everybody. I'll be in Vegas. This Friday night, oh my God, listen to these fucking people whining about this goddamn race. I'm going to call it right now. Despite all the boobbirds, this is going to be the best visual fucking race in recent F1 history. With all of those fucking casinos,
because you know something as much as the one that I love, even though it's usually a boring race, because the cars are so fucking wide, you can't pass, is I love the one in Monaco. You know what I mean? That was like, like Monaco, you just heard about that when I was a kid. This is before the internet.
So you'd watch like a James Bond movie, you know, and he would be there with his white tuxedo and his fucking black tie, just with that, just a stunning piece of ass next to him. And that's really what she was, you know what I mean? There was no fucking relationship. She was just there to hang out with the coolest guy in the planet and then get banged afterwards. And she was happy. You know, there was no Facebook to whine about, you know, that he fucking,
I don't know what he did, you know, he, he fucking wrapped up in a riddle with the enigma of how he got her to go into bed with them or whatever. It was like, no. She saw a guy pull up in a riddle with the enigma of how he got her to go into bed with them or whatever. It was like, no. She saw a guy pull up in an Austin Martin, whatever the fuck he had, that silver fucking car. Okay, she saw the bulge and I'm not talking about his dick. I'm talking about the gun. All right, so she's like, this is a dangerous man.
All right, and then he goes in there. He's totally chill. He tells people how he likes to drink in the way he wants his name said. So now she's on his arm, right? And he's fucking winning because what else would he be doing? You knew this guy was going to win. She saw a winner. You know what? She wanted some of that for herself. And she would go back and bang this guy. That was my idea of what Monaco was. You know, but whenever you go to see the race, you know, they just show the fucking tracks, you know, they don't they don't go to the casinos and
See all of these people that saw that James Bond movie or whatever fucking movie I saw You know, they don't show those people trying to recreate it You know by having children dig diamonds out of a mind. I mean, it's not a movie anymore. I mean, there's only a certain way you can get this money, okay? In a movie, it's clean energy. In reality, it's definitely fucking something else. So anyway, yeah, that was the Monaco that I knew and like that's the only thing when I watched that race.
I just wish that there was more of those shots of Monaco because I'm fucking fascinated. It's not, yeah, I always thought it was part of France. It isn't. It's a sovereign state, you know, like San Marino, Monaco. Sorry, I got a phone call and look who walked in. Hello. It's the lovely Nia. It's me. I was just talking to them about how cool I think this race is going to be at F1.
Oh, yeah? Because it's going to be at night like they do it in fucking Singapore! Singapore! Rob to the rich and give it to the Singapore! Are you just starting your podcast? I'll step out if you're doing your thing. I'm doing my thing, I'm like 12 minutes in. Okay.
Alrighty. Alrighty. Nice to see you. Nice to see you too. Nice to see everybody. Not really, but you too nice to see everybody. I'm not really but you know To hear everybody anyway, so I that long the longer the short of this is
I just you know Vegas, I mean what it's it's fucking showbiz. They know what they're gonna do. They're gonna show off the gams right fucking showbiz. They know what they're gonna do. They're gonna show off the games, right? They're gonna show off the ladies. They're gonna have all of those fucking casinos lit up. You gotta watch, even if you don't give a fuck, it's gonna be at night, it's gonna be so cool and just they have that whole thing fucking lit up. I hope it's a huge success. You know, it's funny. They already said that the the racists made more money. It's made two times the amount of money that the Super Bowl is going to bring in. And what I think is hilarious about that is it's like, well, for who? Not for the average Joe.
Some guy living on fucking hard luck lane out there. Right next to, you know, on the corner, hard luck and crap out, right? Is he going gonna get a fucking check because the F1 went there Well, it's gonna great job. It's gonna trickle though I'm hoping it's gonna be a great a a smashing success because what I'm hoping is is that maybe Moto GP comes there Then next year and then we could have two races in The Americas in the United States of the Americas. Personally, that's just my own selfish way of looking at this. Oh, by the way, I will be doing a show
Friday night and you know, meet a bunch of my old knucklehead friends from back in the day, oh, Billy Boy, pre-comedy. And when we do, till we always do we're gonna fucking hang out. We're gonna have some drinks, you know, I don't drink what am I gonna have? I have an Arnold Palmer. It's for the fuck I order. I ordered that at night like a fucking idiot You know what I mean? It's so stupid I just want one more I can do, you know I'm just you know what it is. I used up all my fun days. I know I've said this before but God damn it I'm gonna say it again if you if I can give you any fucking advice as a younger person is go easy. You mean have fun when you're young but go we go go easy you know you're already gonna have to cut some shit out when you get older but like to cut it all out. The cookies, the soda, the potato chips. It's like,
what, I don't even know if there's even any fun in my life anymore. I just literally said that because Nia was walking in. We have fun all the time. What are you talking about? I'm talking about how, you know, I'm at this age now where, you know, I didn't go to the gym when I was in New York. We were running around doing all of this stuff. I'm talking about how, you know, I'm at this age now, where, you know, I didn't go to the gym when I was in New York. We were running around doing all of this stuff. I'm in a good time. And like, just not going for like four or five days, I was comparing it to like when you
see a pride of lions take down an elephant and you just root for the elephant, the elephant you, and you know, when your back legs collapse, then that's just it. And you just see the trunk go up. There is nothing sadder in the fucking world than seeing an elephant get killed by a pride alliance. When did you see this? You see, but you used to watch all those weird animal attacks videos on YouTube.
You were in a phase for a while where you were just watching animals like brutalize each other. Well, yeah, I'm fascinated with the whole thing and then it makes me think about God. Like this is the only way that they can get sustenance is you had to create these fucking God damn vampires with four legs, okay? And then they go up to these guys that have teeth like us
that are kind of just non on a branch. And it's just like, their whole purpose in life is that they're food and they're going to be eating the life purpose pray Oh, well, I mean, but they're part of the whole like the circle of life man. I know but like They're like God loves you God loves everybody and he does all this stuff and he makes people like that Yeah, he makes like sociopaths and then he just makes people kind of going down to the drinking water who are fucking honest and They get fucking ripped apart and it's just like what is he doing down to the drinking water who are fucking honest and they get fucking ripped apart And it's just like what is he doing? What is he waiting for? Yeah, when is Joel Jr. coming back?
Shoot you're talking about Jesus. Hey, soos if you're a different part of the world, right? Yeah, what what the what is he waiting for? This is getting too deep. Yeah, well you're in a very like, you know, contemplative, like, I feel like a... Is that a word? Yes, contemplative, isn't it? Contemplative? No, contemplative.
Is it tenitis or tetanus? What? Is it tenitis or tetanus? Those are two different things. You can have tenitis or you get a tetanus shop. The two things. No, but some people say Tinnitus. It sounds like hell.
Are we going down that path again? Oh, Jesus. Oh, Billy, try to pronounce things over here. No, you've been having like a very sort of existential sort of like spiritual questioning at the, you know, the last year, especially. I feel like. Oh, yeah. You're asking, you're asking all the questions, man.
Oh, is it annoying you? No, no, no, no. I just, I'm watching you go on this journey. These different things seem to happen and it makes you like, why does this happen? Why is this allowed to? And I'm just picturing you over the corner, just let them work through it. Just let them work through it. That's pretty much my philosophy when it comes to you now.
Now, after 20 years of being together, I'm just like, just let them work through it. Just let them work through it. I was actually thinking about something like you mentioned recently, and I was like, you know, I'm just gonna let him work through that. You had your opinion about it, so I'm just gonna let you work.
I have my opinion about it, but I let you work through it, you know? All right. Yeah. I appreciate that. Yeah. All right, well, yeah. You're welcome.
All right. I do that with you too. Yeah, what, yeah. You're welcome. All right. I do that with you, too. Yeah, what do you mean? You know, you just get all fucking going. I could go with me. It's like fishing. I just let you fucking tie yourself on.
And I grab you. I bring you back to the boat. It's going to be okay, Nia. Let's just stick you in the fucking ice chest here. Have you cool off? And we'll work it out. Yeah. Yeah. We've been having we'll work it out. Yeah, yeah. We've been having some really good arguments lately.
Yeah. It only gets to medium heat. And then we're like, what the fuck, I don't want to argue. All right. What are you trying to do here? What am I trying to do here? And then that's it. No, we've been having a great time.
I'm going to have a great time with you. It's life is life is life is life. Well, if you know it's good for you, you'll keep that going, all right? Oh, really? If you know what's good for you, you'll keep that going. Hey, listen Oh, really? If you know what's good for you, you'll keep that going. Hey, listen, don't threat me during the fucking holiday season. I'll take all these decorations and walk.
Oh, please. All right, get outta here. Let me finish this fucking thing. Oh, are you kicking me out now? Well, I don't know what you're doing here. You're like half here, half not. All right, all right, I'm outta here. How did Rich Eyes and Go?
Oh, it went great, Nia, thank you for asking. That mean, it's, I, you want to be outta here. How did Rich Eyes and Go? I'm sure you're gonna be out here. eyes and go. Oh, it went great, Nia, thank you for asking. I mean, it's... You want to be out of here. How to reach eyes and go. I'm sure you're gonna have to get your eyes. I love that guy. I love that guy. You know my favorite thing about him is when you go into the green room.
He's got these pictures of him with his kid. You can just tell he's an awesome dad. No, that's nice. Not to mention on his desk, it says greatest dad ever. It's you for one great. No, but I always looked at that. I'm like, I know one of his kids gave him that for like father. So you can tell.
Right, right. You can tell, you know what I mean? Like when you go into somebody's fucking office, that's successful and all it is is their awards and like pictures of them with other people standing there with those big faces and the fucking tuxedos, you're like, all right. Then you go like, that guy's been fucking doing this for almost 30 years, wildly successful. And you go and he's got pictures of him and his kids. I think that's really nice.
That's sweet. Yeah, you know, it's called, it's called fucking knowing what's important. All right, which brings me back to you. If you know what was important, you go downstairs and make me a fucking sandwich. But don't make me ask you, again. I offered to make you a sandwich last night.
You didn't want it. Oh, because it was late, and I definitely wanted one. You did? You Because it was late and I definitely wanted one you know when I'm back to what I'm back to the handful of raw cashews in a glass It totally fills you up though. Oh, that's the way to go. Oh my god you guys when I wanted tacos You said to me have a handful of cashews and some water and you'll be psyched. And I didn't do that. I know what, how psyched were you with the... It wasn't that good. Well, I was gonna go to a taco truck with the real fucking people making it. Yeah. And I went, they weren't there anymore.
And then for the first time in my fucking life, I went to a Del Taco. I've never been to one. I was never a Taco Bell guy. Taco Bell, for me, Taco Bell for me, or for me Taco Bell over Del Taco. Although apparently Del Taco has great cheeseburgers, but I would never think to get a cheeseburger from Del Taco.
But I prefer Taco Bell over Del Taco just because of how they season the meat. I just feel like they're out of ideas at Taco Bell and they just keep doing this incestuous thing with Mexican cuisine, right? This is completely bastard. This is a Gorte de Wacabarito, whatever the fuck they're doing over there.
This is always like a tortilla wrapped inside. It's not see doctor shit. Let's sew a fucking taco to a burrito and stick it in a fucking empanada and then put some cilantro on top of it. And give it a name that ends in a fucking sort of Mexican sounding name. Right, right. It's not even like a real thing.
It's kind of like that. It's like the turducken, you know, when people put the chicken and the turkey and a duck together. You should immediately be on a serial killer watch list. If you have, yeah, I agree. It's too much. Why are you doing all that? It's just you.
No, but it's the combining of different species and sowing them together and then fucking cool. I saw that French chef that one time was doing something like that and he actually stepped back and he looked at it, what he was doing. And then he had three Michelin stars at his place and he just walked away from all of it, went totally veggie and then came back and got three stars again.
I mean, that guy's one of the baddest dudes ever that I can't remember his name. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go talk about Daniel Hume from 11 Madison Park. No, I'm talking about Jacques Pierre Francois from San Marino via the Vatican. All right, if you had to go to any sovereign city, where... What sovereign means free? I think what it really means is we don't pay taxes. We've made so much money. We're not even in a country anymore.
What options do I have? Russian horse being paid in gold, being paid in gold. I don't know what happens at these places Well, I'm not asking it like that to have that kind of a fucking response No, I just don't understand what you mean if you had to go to any sovereign state Where would you want to go sovereign state nut city? So I don't but I don't know what those sovereigns monaco San marino the Vatican Marble head Lot of people don't know Marblehead Massachusetts. I was gonna say Massachusetts. No Marblehead is a sovereign state
They are not governed by at all by the rules of Massachusetts Really? Yeah, it goes back to the King of England. I don't know. I'm fucking with you. It's not Yeah, I was gonna say that doesn't make any sense. I don't know any of those places like that. So I don't know Monaco seems pretty sexy and glitzy and glamorous. Doesn't it? Now, what do you, what do you base that on? Because me, it was James Bond. Yeah, it's anything that's been in movies. Oh, but it'll move.
It's the bad bunny song and video accompaniment. You know, I don't know. I don't know. Bad bunny, behave. Isn't that where one of your races that you like? Isn't F1 in Mexico? Yeah. It's not as exciting because the cars are so wide. It's barely any passing. Yeah.
And I just wish that they would show. And I just always think that those will all rich people on their yachts, but it isn't. It's a bunch of shitheads like me that bought tickets to sit on somebody's yacht and be like, can you believe her on a yacht? Eww! Go go go go go go! It's a car's go by, which I would totally do. What I was gonna say, can we do her on a yacht But I still think the but I think the to just sort of take in the city
Then you'd be able to see more of the city But they kind of go around that corner and go right into the tunnel So then you can't really see him So then you kind of hope and somebody goes over the fucking side like that one guy did in the open That was racing. The fucking car was like. Oh, that was racing. Yeah, it was like three feet off the ground.
The fucking front ends lifting up and the guy just loses traction and just fucking goes. Is he okay? No, he died. Oh my God, Bill. Yeah, you know, fucking, you can't, you couldn't drive a 19 fucking 59 anything. That's too cool. Anything. you couldn't drive a 19 fucking 59 anything
Anything you can drive a 1959 anything and go 70 miles an hour off a cliff into some fucking water Well, Rustin piece of that man. That's terrible Rustin pieces. I think what it really was. I'm fucker. I don't even know if he died. I've just seen well. There's a video of it. Okay Maybe you should check and see if he made it. I think he died. No, I have total respect for the guy. Okay. You know, when I always picture his eyes,
I'll fucking wide behind the goggles. It's very macabre. Okay, let's move on. Oh, we talked about how people want to stay in hotel rooms where people died. Oh yeah. And I just like, what in the fucking- That's you though.
What are you talking about? You were talking about a hotel that you wanted to say and that somebody died, and I was saying how it creeped me out. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes. No. It just happens. They just redid the hotel.
I want to stay at the hotel, and I looked up what room it happened in and said, I want to stay in any room but that room. First of all, people have died in every fucking hotel. The amount of hotel rooms that you've probably been in, where they had to cut up the carpet and lay down some new shit because of what happened. I know I have. I stayed in so many fucking motels. Oh yeah, definitely.
100%. 100% shit happened in there, but the thing is you don't know. The thing about it is knowing it and going there Just don't get the the the that light. What's that light the black light? Don't get the black light out going I've now you know I've gone I've gone to the light aisle and every fucking hardware store I've never seen a black light. I don't understand what a black light is it's light, but it's black Yeah, it's like two different things man. It's like velvet revolver. It's light, but it's black. Yeah, it's like two different things, man.
It's like velvet revolver. It's hot, man, it's soft. Okay, I'll get you one for Christmas and you can take it on the road with you and you can check all your hotel rooms before you go in there. I don't think you want to do that, but you know. You know, it's funny about me.
It wouldn't even bother me. It wouldn't? No. Why? Because I would just look at it logically. Like, I've been laying in this filth my entire life and nothing bad has happened. Right, right, right. I don't walk out.
I don't walk out and people go, you got somebody else's jizz on you. Nobody can see it. Now I wouldn't go to a nightclub. You wouldn't go to a nightclub. I wouldn't go to nightclub after laying in a fucking hotel room. Right.
Wait, what? You wouldn't go to a nightclub after that. Yeah, because they always have those fucking lights where all the lint and everything show up on you. I see what you mean. You know, if you wore the wrong shirt, you threw a towel in with your shirt. And it's like, no, you're not getting any pussy tonight.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, boom. Yeah, game show over. Exactly. All right, there are pockets. All right. I'll see you later. I'll see you later. I'm going to have a tip out now.
It was nice talking to you. I was going to say nice being on the pockets. Yeah. All right. All right, then. Take it easy. Okay. No reason to be fucking hostile.
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Hey, what's going on is bill burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday November 16 2015 what's going on? How are you? Are you blah blah blah and all of that shit? I am back out here in Los Angeles and guess what? All freckles is on vacation. That's right. I did my last gig of the year. My last road gig I should say. Let me drink in tea on this one because my fucking voice is shot
as you can hear after my past weekend. But I don't have any more fucking road gigs. I don't have any more shit to do. I think I do have to go back to New York to promote F is for family. By the way, which is coming out on Netflix December 18th, the same day that they're releasing fucking Star Wars. Oh my god, dude. I want to go see it's a prequel You can look at a little cute Chebacca see him when he was only fucking a puppy, right? So what they do whatever so we're competing against Star Wars or whatever. So I need you guys to please, I tweeted out the trailer for it. I need you guys to, if you're ever going to be there for me, which I like to thank you all all the time. I like to thank you, care. If you guys could retweet the trailer, show it to as many people as you possible. All ages, all races, all sexes, transgender, is anybody.
Just get people to watch this fucking show. Cause I think it's really funny and I think you guys are, you know, if you like this shit, you're gonna like that shit, you know, they go whatever. So that comes out to December 18th. That's a big thing I got coming up.
So, but other than that, I don't know, I don't got shit to do. I don't got shit to do. I just got back from the airport. LAX, I immediately came in here to do the podcast. And the second this is over, I'm going downstairs. I'm taking a shower and I'm putting on pajamas and I'm not taking them off until fucking Thanksgiving.
I think that's the next time I actually have to be required to wear fucking clothes, you know, some sort of respectable clothes, you know. You can't have you fucking, uh, it's just my dad used to walk around and just underwear all the fucking time. It was just totally acceptable. Tidy whiteies in a t-shirt, you ever dad like that? He had no chill out clothes. My dad was a suit and he would just come home, just take his suit off and then we'll be walking around with his dark dress socks on. And it's tidy way. He always just walked around my whole fucking, it was just completely fucking normal. In fact, I mean,
like time you ever put up a jammas was when he was sick and it looked weird. But anyways, that was saying the second this is over, that's it. I'm jumping in the shower, and I'm putting on my fucking PJs. And I'm going to watch a bunch of Bruins games that I taped. I'm so fucking happy right now with the whole way this weekend went. Madison Square Garden from the bottom of my heart, if you were one of the many people that came out that night, that was the single greatest moment of my stand-up career. I can't even put it into words. I can't believe that it happened I just from the second I got on stage to the second it ended. I did like 90 minutes
I went on stage right and before I went on stage, I was like what time do I have to be off and right and before I went on stage I was like what time do I have to be off and They were like you can't go past 10 30 because then the union kicks in and then I don't make any fucking money, right? So I you know I went on stage a little before 9 and I got off like 10 28 I just I think I said at one point to the crowd that I didn't want to get off and They fortunately applauded and then I just kept going and I did every joke that I could think of and It was fucking amazing my apologies, though. I do have to apologize to The people that were up to my right. I thought they would drunk yelling at me
What they were yelling was that they couldn't hear it was evidently a couple of pockets during verzy and derosa I felt bad for verzy because he thought they were heckling them and stuff and kind of messed up his set a little bit but he still killed. But I thought they were just drunk. I was like, oh, it's a bunch of Yahoo's who got a box and they're gonna be screaming at setups but they're actually yelling that they couldn't hear. So from what I heard 10 minutes into my act, they fixed it and so you heard the last hour and 20. So my apology, apology I feel real bad about that I don't know why that happened but anyways I'll take you through the whole day I'm having to take it so you know I checked in on check on you on Thursday Friday the day before Madison Square Garden. All right.
I went down to the stand to go do a spot and I went up there and I fucked around trying out this new material. Shit that I didn't do it, Madison Square Garden. And you know, went well and everything. And one of the owners over there was telling me to fucking make sure I enjoy Madison Square Garden and blah blah blah, and all this type of shit. And the whole fucking time I was downplaying Madison Square Garden. And the reality was, because I had to, because it's fucking Madison Square Garden.
If I actually thought about the magnitude of it, I don't know what would have happened. So I just kept downplaying it and everything. And so I did a spot there and then later on after I did a spot at the standup New York, sorry, the stand showing my age there. I walked over to the grammar see where they had the goddamn comedy jam. I'm drinking my fucking tea here. I'm drinking my fucking tea here and I went over there and it was the best comedy jam show that I've seen to date Josh and all the guys have been on the road doing the show so the band was sound of the best I ever heard him sound I got to do a sound check there
During the day and you just feel some I'm telling you some Venues just have the magic and you walked you know like this is gonna be a sick show and Josh and all the guys We're excited on to this gonna be no chairs. Everyone's gonna be standing up. There's gonna be 600 people in here fucking packed so So anyway, so we were gonna close out the show doing paradise city Because yeah, it's a great fucking anthem to end the show with and also What's his face Josh was going to do? That's your funniest fucking costume like that blonde wig looks fucking ridiculous Oh, my god, cool. We'll do that so
Everybody went on and killed Mateo Lane crushed it singing that Whitney Houston song I will always love you, right? Crushed it. Then Eliza Schlesinger went up there. She fucking killed it. Then I saw Big J. O'Coursen, who was one of my favorite comics. Absolutely love the guy. He's saying that song. Is it Weezer? Say it ain't so. And he was so fucking relaxed and so comfortable and big jay can actually sing. He was crushing it and the whole fucking room was singing along with him. And I'm going, look at the guy, how is he that fucking comfortable doing that shit?
He's just killing it and I was thinking maybe because you know, he opened up for all these bands, like he opened up for corn in saying clown posse. So it was gonna be really hostile crowds. You know how to handle them. So I'm thinking, well, maybe he's just like, this is a layup. These people actually want me to hear it. So he was walking around like it was no big deal, but was finding the second he got off stage.
He turned into a little kid. He was just like, do that's like the coolest thing I ever did. He crushed it. Then Hannibal Burris came in and saying, Benny and the Jets. And by the way, everybody does stand up beforehand You got to check the show out, you know does all their best shit talks about going to shows
so Makes the crowd laugh to get great stand up and then you get to make watch him, you know Act like an idiot in front of a band and then I went on in the end and did Paradise City and it was just a... yeah it was just fucking sick, it was just such a great environment there and everyone was standing up and men and it's also always fucking hilarious to walk out, you know, dressed up as if you know have a fucking wig on and shit and then just go into my act, you know talking about people that I think are fucked up as I'm standing there wearing this stupid you know, have a fucking wig on and shit and then just go into my act, you know, talking
about people that I think are fucked up as I'm standing there wearing this stupid wig in a leather vest. So we ended up having a great time. The drums are tuned up fucking, just sounded amazing. So then I ended up hanging out with Bart and we could wind it up in this Irish pub just me and him and The bartender and we ordered like one beer and in the course of doing you know Sippin on the beer We all did like three shots and then another shot with the bartender. We just had the best fucking time Just that New York shit all of a sudden it's three in the morning
You go into a deli you get a bacon egg and cheese All this shit you shouldn't be fucking eating and went back to my apartment and just sat there You know talking about how we were gonna be at the garden the next day so Anyway, so the next day comes and now here it is and I'm still downplaying it going like I'm not even fucking excited for this Maybe I over downplayed this fucking thing. So as I mentioned during the day, I was going to have them, I rented a drum kit and I loaded it into, they had them loaded into fucking Madison Square Garden and the goddamn comedy jam guys came over and we played for an hour and a half in an empty Madison Square Garden. It was like my manager, my agent, my father-in-law was there, my publicist, a couple other people.
That was it. And Ben Bailey, who I knew played guitar and had a studio and everything. I actually texted him a few days earlier, said, hey Ben, I'm in New York. And we've been trying to get together and jam for fucking like five years. I said, hey man, do you want to, uh, can you play on Saturday? And he goes, yeah man, he goes, I just finished my studio at my house. You got to come by and I just wrote back, now I got a better place. And he writes back like, what the fuck? I can't even see my place.
How do you know it's better? So I said you want to fucking, you know, go to Madison Square Garden and you fucking freaked out. So we got a set list together and all that shit, obviously all the shit that I did with the comedy jam guys. We had that down in Ben Bailey's like a fucking black Sabbath freak. So we learned war pigs and we were supposed to learn one other. I don't know we ever got got to it. But so we ended up going in there, right? And there's all these guys setting up chairs and shit for the show that night. I was like, Oh man, I want to sit up here and making all this noise, you know, fucking ruin in this, they're after. I go, when are they going to be done setting up the chair so we don't bug them. They go, ah, not out of their use to it.
They used to go ahead and get up there and play. And we started playing, it was fucking unbelievable. And the people working there actually got into it. They thought it was cool that we were doing it because they know we were just geeking out. And they started, they started turning on the lights, you know, doing like a light show as we were playing. In an empty fucking Madison Square Garden. And by the end of it they they had the video guy comes down and he
starts filming us so I guess in the last song we were up on the jumbo trauma I think we closed the paradise city again but we did like custard pie we did war pigs welcome to the jungle doctor feel good my publicist also played drums he went up. They did want a dead alive. You just all this arena rock shit. My agent went up there, had to drag him up there. He came up and he played. And I'm gonna post some of these pictures too that we had a photographer was gonna be there for that night. He posted them. And we had the best fucking time. And I really think that it helped me for my show that night because I kind of went in there and got
a feel for the room, got my stink in there a little bit, you know. And just got on the train, went back to my apartment and Neil was getting ready and I was just sitting there as I was waiting for her to get ready and I was drinking a Budweiser, right? And I never drink before shows ever. I don't give a fuck how far ahead it is, right? So she just goes, you have an beer? And I was like, yeah. She goes, you never drink before shows? I was like, no. No, I don't. Just felt like everyone. She goes, you nervous? I was like, nope. And I don't know why. I don't know why. I just I wasn't nervous. I Should have been but I wasn't and I went down to the arena and everybody was there
Had a bunch of people in the dressing room hanging out talking almost right up till we went on usually I'm like get the fuck out of here for the last 10 minutes. Let me be alone with my thoughts. I just You know what it was? I did those two weeks on tour through the Midwest and then I did that run through Pennsylvania down in Florida. So I was just, I was on my game and I just felt like it was going to be a good time. So, so the moment of truth comes right, Verzy shows up, of course, you know, wearing his sweater and his fucking Jordans or whatever the fuck he had, if you could, we had air max. To Rosa showed up with wearing this fucking hipster old lady sweater, which I actually made fun of when I got on stage. So Joe
Barton, it goes out and he does the voice of God, you know, I got the video for that. I'm gonna post that too It was fucking hilarious watching he got people so fucking amped up, right? So Versa goes out he does his thing to Rosa does his thing and then they And then we showed the trailer for the first time ever we showed the F is for family trailer Which I literally had to walk into the tunnel and block my ears because I didn't want to handle if they weren't liking it. So after it was done, I heard it got a nice round of applause and the Netflix people, and everybody was excited that it had done well.
I hope I'm not boring you guys with the ship. I feel like I'm bad one here. And then it was the moment of truth going on stage to do stand up comedy and Madison Square Garden sold out fucking show and Virzy introred me and I don't know I just walked out there and I forget what I said but it just was one of those things it's like you hit your first shot you know like I it's gonna be a good game. And um, for the next 90 minutes, I don't think I've ever more present. I just totally fucking enjoyed every last second of it. I did every joke that I wanted to do. I was improvising.
I was fucking around. I think I trashed Babe Ruth at one point because me and Janis Popus had this big debate about it um And I ended up telling this story about me and Verzy smoking a cigar and his garage. That's how I ended and And it was over and I and I outro The outro music or oh I went on stage to the song remains the same Because the name of the show was does anybody remember laughter. It was just like a fucking perfect, it was a perfect night. And then the outro music was Frank Sinatra singing New York, New York, which I thought was perfect. It was a nod to, you know, they played at Yankee Stadium and everything and Madison
Square Garden, such a legendary venue. And I got off, dude, and it was just, it was, it was unbelievable. And everybody that I care about was backstage was flipping out saying what a great show was and Yeah, and I was worried I was worried the only thing I was worried about Was that the next day I was gonna have a let down Like I was gonna have that whole now what and you know all the big you know Psychiatia open all the gifts on Christmas, you know that feeling of melancholy. I thought I was gonna feel that I didn't the next day I woke up I Just felt great. I felt satisfied. I felt it peace
I was just like if I never get to do that again I couldn't have done it any better and I enjoyed every last fucking second of it. It was the night of my life and Of course I recorded it. And I will be putting that one out on vinyl. My act is not ready to be a special yet, but that will definitely be, and I'm putting out every fucking second of that. So it might be a double album. I'll put that out, hopefully, after my next special. But it was incredible. The only part of the night that wasn't fun was when we went to the after party. One of the people that I work with knows it goes actually dates. I don't want to say that business. The state's this guy was a big fucking fan of the UFC. So somehow he had the UFC feed on his computer.
And Nia was screaming, going, Bill, get over here. Get over here. Rondas having a tough time, blah, blah. And I was just talking to some people. I didn't want to be rude. And then I just saw Nia go, oh my God. Oh my God, put a hand over my mouth. And I went over there and I saw the replayer run to get knocked out.
And I got it. I haven't had a feeling like that since I want you to tighten, get knocked out. It's just something like, you know, I don't know. I love greatness. And I didn't want to see that. You know, I didn't want to see the you know I didn't want to see that Congratulations to Holly home. I hope I'm saying her name right so she doesn't kick me in the fucking John neck But that was fucking brutal
brutal to watch and it's one of the reasons why I have such respect for fighters They know that they keep fighting eventually You know on any given night even if somebody's not as good as you you can just get caught And I hate when that's something like that happens and then people say yeah, you know, on any given night, even if somebody's not as good as you, you can just get caught. And I hate when something like that happens. And then people say, yeah, you know, what's up now, bitch, and blah, blah, blah, like you ever had the balls to fucking go in there. I obviously think Ron is going to be back.
I mean, she's only 28 years old, you know, whatever. She got caught. I actually think now she'll probably become a better fighter because that whole fucking pressure of being undefeated is gone and she can just focus on what she needs to do, but that was fucking brutal, man. That was really brutal. And actually reminded me. I had this flashback aside from the fact when I watched Tyson get knocked out by Buster Douglas, I watched that of my buddy's house up in his bedroom, right?
We were like, I think we were underage, yeah, we were underage. No, we weren't. No, we weren't. Why don't we, I can't even remember how long ago. I just remember we were drinking beers in his bedroom, right? And he had this fucking TV in his bedroom, which was fucking ridiculous back in the day. If you had a fucking TV and your bedroom was insane. Most houses had one TV and maybe a little kitchen TV and we were watching it on this fucking thing and I just remember I just remember sitting there
and just a hand over my mouth. I couldn't fucking believe it. He just never thought Tyson was going to lose and I felt the same way about Ronda and but That's happened two times on big gigs for me that there's been a big fight with something unbelievable happened Sorry drinking the tea here. I'm the first one was Was the first time ever did comics come home, which I believe was the second one Afterwards the after party was in this bar and they had the Tyson Holyfield fight. The one where Tyson was biting Holyfield's fucking ears.
And you know, the bar was loud, so you couldn't hear the announcers. So he had no idea what was going on. And the second time when like Holyfield was like grabbing, you put his like gloves up like trying to grab his ear and he was Did that fucking temper tantrum almost like a little kid jumping up and down Like what the fuck's going on with them, man Looks like he's like on fire or something And then somebody fine just goes dude did he Like dude did he fucking bite his ear?
Right and then all of a sudden it just became that and then you know when he went to the It was kind of cool to actually see what the sound down and they focused on his ear the blood and the little bit taken out of his ear and Everybody in the crowd just going like dude what the fuck? And that was beyond a surreal night. It was the first like big gig Let's first time I ever met Dennis Leary and that was all these famous guys on the show and Leary knew all these hockey guys. Camille was there. Fucking Chris Nylon was there. Rick Middleton. I couldn't fucking believe it. And then I'm watching this sick fight and I'm watching them reacting like regular fight fans. Like, oh, dude, did he fucking bite him in the air? Like, well, you know, just acting regular so I got
omit that was really fucking tough to see that was tough to see that fucking picture of just taking that shot man I I've seen that happens to just about every other than Rocky Marciano that happens to every great fighter so anyways so that was that night all so here we go my friday saturday sunday so friday i get the fucking do the god damn comedy jam in front of six hundred standing remote leaf people at the grammar see theater saturday i jammed during the day in an empty madison square garden and have the set of my
fucking life at that this most famous arena and all that shit, the mecca and all that crap that I always hate that they say it as a Celtic fan, but Boston Guard doesn't exist anymore. And then Sunday, how do you top it? How do you top it? Where do you go? I went to the Giants Patriots game. So Larry, it's me and a buddy of mine, we ubered over there, And we knew like another like two or three other groups of two that were going to there. We were all looking for a tailgate. We were trying to meet up with each other.
We just showed up. The guy just pulls up to like the exit off of the highway. We just get out there. You know, stumbling up the fucking hill with a 12 pack in our hand. And they let us into this this gated area where they had tailgates. I felt like it was in like a tent city. We're just wandering around the city. you know, stumbling up the fucking hill with a 12 pack in our hand and they let us into this This gated area where they had tailgate. I felt like it was in like a tense city. We're just wandering around like
Two men without a country and we finally just ended up sitting on like this Jersey barrier. Oh, I remember what happened Couple more my friends showed up and they were like did you find a tailgate? I was like, nah, I tweeted it out, but nobody got back to me about letting us crash that tailgate. And my buddy was like, well, when we walked in, these people asked us if we had any beers. So we walked back over and we literally traded beers for food and joined the tailgate. It was like, we were like fur trappers instead of having belts. We had like fucking Bud Light and shit. And cooked us up some burgers. They were all giant fans and, you know, breaking up balls about losing the Super Bowl.
But, you know, we were cool. We're like, yeah, do what you guys fucking own us. We haven't beat since the end of 2007. There's nothing we can say. I fucking love Eli, you know, he's a big, he's a fucking gamer, but I hate him because he always breaks our heart. So we fucking go in, we watch the game. I can't even intelligently talk what was going on.
I was still flying so fucking high from MSG and I was drinking of course and there was this little girl kept giving a shit tearing up stuff and throwing at us and we weren't being assholes. We laughed at it at first and she just kept giving a shit. She was like seven. You know, at some point you're looking at the parents like, can you, can you, can you her parents are not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be
having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be
having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be
having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time and they're not going to be having a hard time when she gets older because she's gonna behave this way, but the person did nothing. So, we watched the game and I thought once again, you know, once we scored that touchdown, they called that bullshit holding call. I was like, ah, here we go. Here we go. What's gonna happen? But finally, Tom Brady had some Eli football, God luck. He threw a fucking pick to end the game and they dropped it. So there you go. I said Eli was Duke. I said the man was fucking Duke to have a game where the football doesn't
bounce his way or whatever, but it's not like he screwed up or anything. He didn't throw a fucking pick. He actually threw a touchdown, great play by Malcolm Butler. I didn't get to really see the replay. I saw it on the jump, but Trump, but I'm sure if I was watching it home, I'd probably say, you know, back in the day that would have been considered a touchdown. But who knows what these whole new fucking football move rules or whatever, but it was great, dude.
It was great to see them fucking win the game and it was great to see you know to be able to say that I saw Brady and E-Life play against each other live I saw Brady and Peyton Manning play each other live way back in O4 and Manning was still on the cults and had won a Super Bowl yet so that was a great one to see but it all paled in comparison to do a Madison Square Garden. So there you go, there's a 24-minute story of my fucking last three days. I got to read some advertising here. But once again, I can't thank the people that showed up enough that that was, it was unfuckin believable. You know it's funny when I left to Versa was was you know all amped up and shit now, you know, I was flying high It was just sick and we walked over to the after party
Right down like the streets in New York and Versa was flipping out going dude you realize what you just did in there Do you realize how hard you realize and I was just like yeah? Yeah just didn't add you realize how hard you realize and I was just like yeah yeah it's the best I can fucking do and then we went in and I went to have to party with trying to smoke cigars it was fucking sick and then ended the night with a bacon egg and cheese that's fucking was the shit it's the shit and now I'm on vacation I remember somebody said to me oh now what now I'm trying to put that in my head. Now what? It's like, what do you mean now what?
Now what? Now I enjoy my evening. Now, now what's next? I don't give a fuck. Like you're not supposed to be able to top something like that, what you're supposed to go in there is enjoy every fucking second of it and do the best you can possibly do, which is what I did.
So I am told, there is no what's next. I could believe one of the person asked me that. It's just like, do you understand how much I love doing stand up? I do it right now for a six people. And if I got a new bed out of it, I'd still be excited. There was going to be some confracking ruin it. Oh, my dog back. Hey, buddy, look who's home. Oh, Cleo, get down. Jesus Christ. Hey, what's going on? All right, all right, all right.
Get down, get down. Oh, Cleo, hang on a second. I haven't seen her in two weeks. I got to give her a proper and a long time. What do you say to that buddy? Come here. What's that buddy? What's up, bro?
What's up? You got a bag? Look at you. Yeah, OK. All right, I'm doing the part. Yes, I'm doing the part, yeah. All right, sorry. Sorry, I'm back.
I'm back. Look at you, huh? The old blue bear. You know, blue bear is back in the building. I haven't seen my dog in two weeks. You and I, lady, Cleo, you and I are gonna go on some fucking hikes, my friend. I'm in town for the rest of the year.
What do you think about that? You know, I put on some pounds and I'm gonna get back in pit bulls' shape and I'm not talking about the wrap up. All right, buddy, can you get over there and lay down, Cleo? Can you go lay down, please? Go on, go lay down. Go lay down.
No, I'll play with you in a minute. Hey, get your nose out of there. Go lay down. Down. Sorry, is this even a podcast anymore? Clear, get over there. Go on. Go on, get over there and lay down.
You can't keep jumping up here. All right, let's do some reads for this week. You know what, Cleo? You're too god damn cute. Why don't you come up here for the rest of the podcast? All right, let's do some reads for this week. You know what, Cleo, you're too God damn cute. Why don't you come up here for the rest of the podcast. All right, lay down, lay down, lay down. Thank you. Oh, you smell so good. Yes, you do.
Okay, okay. All right, I know. I missed you too. Okay, are you done? All right, let's read some questions for this week. It shall calm down a minute. Military response. Bill, I'm not affiliated with any political party.
Read extremists. And everybody says, I'm not a Democrat or a Republican. Well, you're just going to make all kinds of fucking noise up here, aren't you? All right. I hate groups just as much as you do. I'm not looking forward to hearing people argue about proper responses to recent attacks in Paris because everyone talks like they have military background. That being said, what what is the solution it seems like it's always a Dan if you do and Dan if you don't situation with military action in one sense I find that comforting knowing that it's fucked up either way it means we're just human beings getting by thoughts All right, what do I think well, obviously know, what happened in Paris is fucking brutal. And I don't see how that, you know, even if I agreed with the political agenda,
whoever the hell did it, like that's not the way to get people to pay attention to your plight, to do stuff like that. Now, having said that, I live in a superpower and I know that our bombs don't always land on the right people. So I understand why countries don't get along with each other. And I've been to Paris twice and it's my favorite city in the world. And I think the people are great and it's it's just brutal. Eagles of death metal are on stage. Thank God they were all right, but just I can't imagine what. I mean, nobody was in that building.
It's going to be the same. I mean, it's just like I can't even imagine. It's just I actually I didn't even want to talk about this stuff. It's so fucking brutal. But unfortunately, I think that human beings are hairless apes that can speak and we're doomed to destroy one another. So try to enjoy every fucking day before we do. I mean, that's the only thing.
I mean, there's no stopping all the shit that's going on in the fucking world. We're never gonna get along. We're just not going to. You know, there's no solution in the Middle East. Whatever side you're on, those people hate each other for fucking ever. The only way, you know, the only way you could fucking do it
is you'd have to eliminate everybody but like babies. And you'd have to start over again. So all is, nobody told them the fucking stories about why you should hate these people, right? But even if you left the fucking babies alone, because there's this big fucking thing where they go, you know, a baby comes into the world and a baby isn't racist and a baby isn't this and a baby isn't that. But you know what a baby is, it's a fucking human being, all right?
And so one of those babies eventually is going to be a sociopath and one of them is going to be an egomaniac, is going to give into jealousy and envy and it would just start all over again. In different parts of the world for different fucking reasons and it would just start all over again. In different parts of the world, for different fucking reasons, and people would not like people because of how they looked, and it's just how we're wired.
I think everything has a beginning, a middle in the end, we're closer to the fucking end, unfortunately. That's why I don't watch the fucking news anymore. That's why I don't understand why it is the way it is and there is no fucking solution. I know that's depressing and enjoy your holidays, everybody. What are you going to do? What are you going to do to stop these people?
Do my dog just keeps wagging the tail? It's right yet sitting on a couch with your fucking dog, man, right? That's it playing music with some friends of yours doing a comedy show Going after a dream just going after what the fuck you want and life. That's all you can do You can do that and you can recycle and you can try to use less materials, but other than that What do you what do you really think and all the years of watching the fucking the debates between Democrats and Republicans do Republicans? You think they're ever going to fucking agree? You think they're ever gonna be like no, I see a point
You know if you get the people at top more money, they're gonna create jobs Oh, I get what you're doing or the people on Republicans are gonna be like oh, you know what? Maybe we are taking too much. Maybe we should fucking create jobs, all I get what you're doing, or the people on Republicans are going to be like, oh, you know what? Maybe we are taking too much. Maybe we should fucking do this or do that. There's no fucking solution. It's just like when I was in New York, you know, they were talking about, you know, all the homeless people, you know, and people with mental problems and shit that they're just
on the street. The police chief goes, the solution was stop giving them money. It's just like, all right, and then what? They just go, okay, well, I guess the city isn't giving money and they're gonna do like what? Walk to Philadelphia with no money and no food. They're gonna get desperate. And then if you give them food and money,
what does that mean? Then they get their life back together. I have no fucking idea. I just, I don't know. I don't think there's any solution Um, and that's depressing and it's not even funny. That's why I don't talk about that type of shit So moving along to the next Happy fucking topic. All right, boyfriend won't shut up and let me listen to the game All right fucking topic. Alright, boyfriend won't shut up and let me listen to the game. Alright,
Bill, I've been in a relationship, where you have fucking Did you marry a hipster? Do you want to put on the sci-fi channel? Bill, I've been in a relationship with my wonderful boyfriend for a year. I'm 29 and he is 33. Yeah, it's a good age split right there. He's a wonderful man treats me very well and we are very in love. But he has no respect when I try to listen to the game. I'm a diehard Denver Bronco fan and we live in Chicago. It is Sunday and the game is not being aired locally because they're showing your lameless patriots instead, lamass patriots. I get it, we're undefeated and you're not, so it annoys you.
I get it, so you attack my team. My team of Patriots. How can you not like the Patriots? That means you don't support the troops. So my only option is to listen to the game on Denver Broncos Radio Network. You could also get the NFL package. You could not go out drinking one weekend. You could use that money.
You could watch him every week. Anyway, she goes, but my boyfriend makes it impossible for me to listen to it. He keeps playing his stupid videos during the game. Talks a lot like the game isn't even on and he even broke out into a song and started vacuuming. This is not a one-time occurrence. Last week, he was on and he kept switching over to other games.
His sports are hockey and baseball, and I never once interfered with his ability to watch the black hawks and the cubs. Yet he makes it impossible for me to listen to the Broncos. The only sports team I really care about. Jesus Christ, this guy's an asshole. He doesn't seem to have any respect for my team in sports fandom. It's surprising because he's so respectful otherwise. I don't want to handle this going forward. Should I just always leave and go to the bar because I know he makes it impossible for me to watch the game or listen. Listen and watch the game. That's one of them. That's one solution. Why don't you just write down on a piece of paper. If you don't shut the fuck up, I will never blow you again. And then flip it over and say, I'm serious.
After he goes, are you serious right now? I am serious. I don't know. If you sat down and talked to him about it, you know, I don't know. See, then listen, see, look at this right here. This is a little tension here. Hat fields in the course. What do you do? And if he doesn't listen to you, then you're gonna get resentful. Listen, I would just politely ask him not to do it. If he does it again, the next time one of his games
are on, I would vacuum. I just keep turning the vacuum on, on and off, on and off. And if you do that to him for like five minutes, he's gonna get it. I think you gotta go childish here. If you haven't talked to him yet, I think you got to go childish, you know, there's always room to act like an absolute fucking baby. Don't ever forget that. And it's fun. Alright, Thanksgiving dilemma. Hey Billy, so I will get right to the details. My family is hosting thanks to giving this year. I don't believe you.
We have five people in our family, mom, dad, and three brothers. I am the middle child. We have grandparents for both my mom and dad's side coming. Along with my grandparents, we have cousins coming. All right, now here is my dilemma. Here's my dilemma comes into play. My cousin got married a while back and his wife has asked if her mom could come to our Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, there's something to be said when you've lived that long and you don't have a Thanksgiving party to go to, that probably means you're a fucking asshole. My mom had to go, my mom had gotten into a little dispute with her like a few months ago, and my mom fucking hates her. Jesus Christ, you can't do that people. You can't get into a fight with your fucking in laws. You can't do it, you can't get in a fight with your,
I don't even know what you call them. If your brother or sister gets married, you can't get into it with their fucking in laws. You just can't do it, you get a bite your tongue, and just be like, I'm gonna sit here in my sweater, I'm gonna smile and wave, and this is gonna be over, and then I'm gonna go back to the life that I'm leading, that I built, and I'll deal with this person
once a fucking year, right? Why is there always a cut, male or female? There's always that one fucking person just doesn't know how to hang, doesn't know how to be a good person. You know what I mean? Like, like, if you're annoying people on Thanksgiving, which is whose kid who that's just the greatest day, you're hanging with the people you love, you're eating way too much food, it's all delicious. Everybody from all different families and shit is breaking out their secret recipes. There's football on, there's video games, you got the fire going. There is no fucking reason to even remotely be a cut on that day or for the whole weekend. It's just a it's just a it's the
greatest fucking weekend. College kids come back Wednesday night everybody fucking hangs out. You get to try to fucking hook up with people that you liked back in the day when you were in high school, right? By the way, you got to do that Wednesday night hook up man. You got to do that until you're like fucking 30 and everybody starts disappearing and then you got to realize you're too fucking old and then maybe I should go out and fucking you know, maybe I should go out and get married myself or whatever, but right through your 20s you got to hit that every fucking time. In fact, you know, I did a great rant about that. The one man thrill ride. The one man thrill ride has got a great one. I'll try to find that video. It's got a great video
about that. But anyways, yeah, there's no reason to be a cunt. I just don't fucking get it. And there's nothing to like. Your mom needs to set aside her shit. You had one fucking argument. All right, let me go back and read it every forget now this is this your your mom's son's mother-in-law you have to get along with her my cousin got me oh your cousin ah it's a little distant just just be fucking civil you know it's funny is when men don't like each other it's way more civil it's a family event that. Because we solve shit with violence. You know what I mean? No one wants to get involved in that. But women, you know, are more mature, I guess, so they don't solve shit with violence. So all it is is dirty looks and fucking, you know, sassy of sides or whatever the fuck
you call them, side glances and shit. They just all day long. They don't give a fuck. They're just being just openly being rude to one another. Oh my God. You know what you should do? You should have like a fucking... I should just have an area to put people like that. All right, you two douchebags don't get along. So you guys can both eat.
You can eat Thanksgiving dinner standing up outside in the backyard. That's where you should stick them. Right? The fuck out of here. All right, my mom had gotten to a little dispute with her a few months ago and my mom given dinner standing up outside in the backyard. That's where you should stick them, right? The fuck outta here. All right, my mom had gone to a little dispute with her a few months ago and my mom fucking hates her. She's the type of lady that just sits on her ass
and doesn't help making food, doing the dishes cleaning up or anything. Yeah, yeah, exactly. There's always one of those. We know that, yeah, and then fucking goes to your bar and takes out the most expensive shit. Doesn't finish it. You know what I mean? Dumps it down the fucking sink We know this from the few times we hung out with her at family gatherings because in his wife's mom
Has no other place to go for Thanksgiving yet. Gee. Why do you think that is? Because she doesn't help making the food, she doesn't do the dishes, she doesn't clean up or anything. She's a douche. Oh my God, I fucking hate this person. But honestly, none of us really know her or nor do we want her to come and make our day awkward. I guess I just need to ask advice and how we respond to my cousin and tell him that that bitch isn't invited. We don't know how to do it without hurting feelings or making it weird the next time we see them. You can bring Nia in on this one if she knows how to set this bitch down easy.
You know what? I'm going to go get her. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. Hey, Nia, I need you help on this one. All right. Even though you still mad at me for my my rude comment earlier. Can you can you come over this is this is this is recording live. Can you clear?
Get down get down buddy. I'm sorry. Get over there later. Go on. Yeah. All right, come over here. So long story short, this guy's got a dilemma. He's having Thanksgiving in his house. Okay? So, here's his dilemma. His cousin got married a while back, and his cousin's wife asked if her mom can come along. Okay? All right?
And evidently, she's a douche. She doesn't help with the cooking, she doesn't help with the cleaning, she just sits around around she's a jerk And guess what she has no place to go for Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? Can you believe this jerk come over here near the microphone? I? Know I know just really quickly. Oh my god. You're so mad at me right now. So what's the question? So how can you how can you just in a nice way? Let this woman down easy like how can you just say listen?
We'd love to have your mother over here if she wasn't such a jerk and she wasn't gonna ruin Thanksgiving. So the cousin is coming. The cousin was invited. Yeah, and he's bringing his wife. They're both invited. They just don't want them to bring his cousin's wife's mom.
Yeah, that's an impossible situation. I feel you though, because you want to be like, what's my house I can have out, whoever I want over. And if I don't want this person over, I should have, but the thing is, what the holidays and family, and this is the cousin's wife's mom, that's when you're not going to be able to win. So I feel like you can't turn them down and say,
no, they can't come because that will create a bigger problem than it's worth. And so what does she do? She just doesn't like, my mom got into a little dispute with her a few months ago, and my mom fucking hates her. Oh, it's brutal. OK. Well, you know, I love that you have to be like the bigger person and
just allow this fucking stick in the mud to come over and ruin this person's Thanksgiving. I really feel for this person, this fucking blows. I think I think what you can do is, oh, especially since the mom doesn't get along with her, I think it may be one of those things like, you know what, we're really only prepared for like this many people. And but they had the fight in the falling out. They're going to know what's up. They're going to know why she's not so many says, can you can I bring my mom?
You have to say yes. You can know your mom could stay at home. That's the thing about it. And the thing is I would, I think maybe this is more advice for the next time. Next time you can't invite your cousin over. That's what it is. This year's Thanksgiving is gonna stink, but the narrative won't because your cousin
can't come the next time. Yeah, just ignore that woman for now, if she doesn't help or whatever, it's, you know, what I have fun with. Yeah, and you can also say, oh, hey, you know, whatever her name is Susan. And you might, you know, what I have fun with you. Yeah, and you can also say, Oh, hey, you know, whatever her name is Susan, and you might, you know, gathering a couple of those plays for us and you know, just kind of like just throw that in there. But if she is continuing to be that
way, I'm sorry, but your cousins can't come to your Thanksgiving anymore because she's going to be a part of the package. And if they bring it up, just say, you know what, to be honest, our mom does really get along with her and we feel like it gets uncomfortable. And, you know, maybe they can come by for pie at the end of the night or something. Maybe we can bring it out to the car and just hand it to you. Right. As they're driving by. As a driver. Just stick your hand out the window. And I'll just have it on a, I'll have it on a plate. You know, we used to do it when there was somebody like that around. We would, there would be some sort of inside joke that whenever the person was behaving the way that we hated, it was the inside joke with the other people where you would just like sing a song, you know, make it, you know,
clean up the dishes and she doesn't do it and then you just walk away and you just sing like, just what? Okay, we try. And it just becomes, and it actually makes it fun. But I really think you should just do the thing where you ask her to help out. Hey, do you mind grabbing the plates and setting them up? You're so good at that too. I do do that really well.
I'm really good at it. Oh, do you mind just grabbing this from you really quickly? It's all laced with, with hate. You might not be in such a selfish douche. Exactly. It's customary when you're invited to somebody's place over to dinner or anything. Can I help you with the dishes? Do you need anything?
Like that's the custom, even if the person's like, no, no, no, no, I got it, I got it, I got it. It's customary, it's an etiquette thing to at least ask if you can help out or bring wine or something like that. Yeah, and here's a major red flag. If you're that fucking old and you have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving
and there wasn't some boating accident that all your family was on, like how do you not have anywhere to go? Nobody wants to spend Thanksgiving with you. Pick up a dirty plate, you selfish whore. Well, the thing is like the cousin and the wife and the cousin's mother-in-law, they can't do their own thing separately.
I mean, maybe not. Maybe it's all about the big family gathering, but I think you just got a grin and bear it. I think you definitely gently suggested her, hey, do you mind grabbing this? Just little stuff, not crazy, because then she'll be on to you and it'll be like a real big blowout and you don't want that but just subtly.
Hey, a turkey douche. You might keep mine. Exactly. But next year, yeah, just can't invite it. You know what we're actually going to do a really small Thanksgiving this year? Just going to be me and the wife and my mom like no assholes. We're just doing this small this year. You have to be very gentle about it but that's how you get around it
is that you just don't invite the people that are attached to the people that you don't like which sucks but that's how it goes is nothing watch watch watch watch your alcohol intake because your the truth might be coming out later on you might say something and the alcohol will start going like I'll say it. Say it. Say it. Fuck it. It's your day. It's your Thanksgiving too. I will do that. Okay. Who do I make this out to? Can we shout out Justin? Absolutely. Shout out to Justin Long and his brother Christian Long. They listen to podcasts and they're awesome. Justin,
you know what I found out the next day after we met each other? You and I have the exact same birthday, the exact same birthday. Monday year. How crazy is that? And why was Justin there? He was there because he does a voice on Epheser family coming to Netflix on December 18th. Yeah, there you go. And he's been so great, man. He tweeted out, you know, he was tweeting a hell out of the teaser and all that. And he does the voice of Kevin and he is fucking hilarious. And it's one of my favorite characters to
write for once. I saw what Justin was going to do with it. So we had a lot of fun hanging with them. Well, Nia, thank you so much. The lovely Nia, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah, coming on the podcast. It's just a support you at the Madison Square Garden. You were incredible.
You were amazing. You were in the zone. I was very proud of you. Thank you. Thank you. You know, I'm telling you, telling you, I'm uploading this, and I'm taking a shower, and then I put on my pajamas. And that's it.
That's it. It's over. All right, one more question here. One more question I got to get through here. Oh, I got to feed you. Oh, yeah. Get Cleo some food. All right, gay rumors.
Dear Billy Twinkle Toes, my friends and I are freshman in college at different schools. Recently he hooked up with this girl with this lady. It was after the party had died and everyone was cleared out. She crawled and it was bed. Jesus Christ, it started jacking them off and that's how it happened. That's how what happened? He had a hand baby. It's going to open ended day.
I was visiting that weekend and I watched her walk into his room. The rest I heard second hand from him, no pun intended. The next day she started talking like they were in a relationship. He explained that he wasn't into being in a relationship. Aside from the fact that she's a slug, he wasn't into the idea anyways, with any girl. She responded by telling a group of people that he asked her to be his girlfriend to cover that he was gay and that he needed to meet his parents. Oh, she just made that up.
Can you believe this, Chick? That's sociopathic behavior. It's slander. My question obviously is, what should he do? He's not a feeble soul. He's actually really quick-witted and if he really wanted to, he could clear the air publicly. It's one of those situations where if he lets it all fade away, it could end clean. On the other hand, fuck that. She shouldn't get off that easily. She could do it again and the next guy could respond
with violence or suicide or some shit. What's the move here? You know what the move here is to fucking watch that crazy train, just go down the street and disappear over the hill, fuck her. That's fucking hilarious. It's hilarious that she said that. That she's, you know, she's a maniac. Why would you do that? You know what I mean?
Gives a shit. How easy you to play? You get, well, I mean, I am a shop dresser. You gotta give me that. Who knows? Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Hey ladies, you want to see if you can un-gaming like they do with the fucking weird churches? Well, they try to cure you being gay. I would just have fun with it. Who gets a fuck? Honestly, who gives a shit some slapses that you're gay, all right? Well, I'm not and I can prove it
Show me your tits ladies. Oh Look at old Fredericks standing up at attention Yeah, this is this is like childish who gives a shit who gives a shit what people think? Yeah, I mean that's that's like a joke. She's gonna do it to somebody else. Yeah, okay, and then watch she keeps going around Oh, that guy doesn't like me. He doesn't like me because he's gay I Don't like me. He doesn't like me because he's gay. I don't know. Maybe she's that much of an ego maniac that she thinks the only way that you could not 100% be into her is because that you liked men. Because evidently she's just the most amazing fucking woman
of all time. Yeah, when people walk around they say shit like that to you. I mean, if you have like a business and somebody's trying to say like, yeah, I got food poisoning there, I mean, you gotta put a stop to that. But, you know, hell, no fury like a woman's going, like you haven't hooked up with a woman,
dated a woman, you know, unless you've had a woman go around and just make up shit about you and say a bunch of fucking stuff to try and hurt you. That's what they do. She wants to beat the shit out of them, but she can't. So she's doing what women do is they, you know, they just go around saying shit about each other. That's what they do, you know. This woman is acting completely normally. This is what, completely normally, completely normal. This is normal chick psycho fucking behavior. I think it's
fucking hilarious. And, uh, oh yeah, I'll just let it go. Yeah, don't, don't eat, we can't let it get away with this. You can't go vengeance. Vengeance never then never ends well It never ends well because They then they're gonna come back and get their vengeance on your vengeance And then eventually the only way to end it is somebody's got to kill somebody right That's basically what happens Is it I don't know if it is all I know is it's the end of the podcast and I am on fucking vacation and
I want to thank everybody over all the years are coming out to my stand-up shows Anybody ever heckled me anybody over laughed anybody who just fucking showed up got a free fucking ticket Because all of those shows led to the one that I had saturday night. What a fucking way way to end. I got one more gig that I am doing. I am doing New Year's Eve out here in In L.A. But it's not a road gig. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be the night before the Rose Bowl. It's gonna be the four horsemen coming together again. It's gonna be fucking awesome, but I don't know. I hope I was able to convey it I can't even tell you what a how just fucking thrilled I was I still can't believe that it happened but I know it happened because I was totally present
and I enjoyed the whole thing and you know it was great the light was so in my eyes I couldn't see how big it was I couldn't see everybody, but I could look up and see the lights up at the top. One of the coolest things ever, my comedy career, at one point, I was doing this Illuminati act out, like they were all sitting on the table talking about the population problem, and I actually sat down on the stool, and I was doing this creepy fucking thing about them, thinking about how they could get rid of people, and I was doing this creepy fucking thing about them, thinking about how they could get rid of people and I was able to bring the whole fucking room down like I was in a fucking comedy club and as I was doing it I was actually thinking like how fucking sick
is this right now. It's like 12,000 people listening to me, I'm sitting down on a stool, imitating some lunatic in the Illuminati, how fucking fun is that? It was indescribable. And anyways, please tell everybody you know a lot of efforts for family. I would really appreciate it. Although after Saturday night nobody owes me anything, but if you'd like to, I would appreciate it because I think it's going to be a great show. A great TV series for many years to come with any luck. All right, that's it. So I'm thankful early this year, man. I'm thankful for all you guys listening to this podcast and all that stuff. That's it. So go fuck yourselves.
As always, I'll check in on your Thursday. Check in. I'm going to go take a shower, put on my PJs and play with my fucking dog. All right, that's it. I'll see you. What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition. Preview for week number 11. Oh, my birthday 11 11 baby. We are coming in hot this week. Okay. We are coming in hot this week. We we hit the special talk about that. We have a winning record. We'll talk about that. And oh, and there's some injuries, some big injuries that the NFL is trying to hide.
They tried to bamboo, they tried to slip one out from under us. We weren't going to let that happen. But before we get into this week, let's talk about our sponsor. It is bet MGM, everybody, the best app, the best lines, the best way to bet. All you got to do for our show, if you're a listener to our show, you just, if you list to our show, you just go to betmgmapp, you download the app, and you put in as little as $10, okay? And you'll get $200 in bonus bets, regardless of the outcome of your bet. All you have to do is use our code,
our bonus code, burr, burr 200, B-U-R-R-200, $10, as little as $10, and they will give you $200 in bets, regardless of the outcome of your bet, bet responsibly have a good time and Here we are over three quarters of the way done the NFL season bill It's like your kids grow up. It happened so fast Yeah, I in baseball for some reason their regular season is six months and the NFL is essentially four months That's why in the NFL if a team goes oh, oh, and three, you're like, ah, should they tank?
Yeah, it's friggin' over. Who has- Paul, the big thing is we finally hit a Monday night special. And now, and you know, and then- Lately hit a Monday night, but every fucking time there was some little damn thing, finally made some people some money, Paul. And let's- Which means I get to sing again. And, and I got to be honest with you, dude, I got to give you credit where credits do.
We hit the Monday night special because of you, my friend, because I wanted no part of Denver. And when you saw the seven and a half, you were like, take Denver. And I was like, all right, you know what? It doesn't make sense to me. So it's going to work. Well, that's the Buffalo Bill season. Oh, I found it. Buffalo Bill season doesn't even make sense to me, so it's gonna work. Well, that's the Buffalo Bill season. Oh, I found it.
The Buffalo Bill season doesn't even make sense to the Buffalo Bill. And I still, and, and, and believe, Stefan Diggs was talking about it. He goes, you know, we got all the pieces. We're gonna, I just don't see these guys. There's no fucking way they're gonna go nine and eight or eight and nine. They just, they're just not. I feel like they're gonna do what I think the chiefs are gonna do, what the chiefs always do this time of year because everybody's, oh, the fucking chiefs are done.
Baba, baba, baba, they always say that shit and then they fucking turn it on. They just, you know what, it's a bike race, Paul. They just fucking lay it back, they're not burning out their legs. And then they're gonna come on. I think the bills are gonna do something like that. I feel like the dolphins are fading, you know?
I feel like I'm directionless right now in this football season. You know, I'm just out there with my sales down and I'm just fucking letting it tie, take me where it's going. Paul, it's about me. It's not really about the bills. Is it ever not? Listen, here's the thing. I have a theory on why the bills are bad. And I talked to somebody and I think it was, I think it was kind of confirmed. Let's just say that Paulie Scuttle but here we go. It's Paulie Shepter. A source that I have a little locker room. Wait, so this is week 11, so I think this is your, this is your, you go, yeah, because you were, Paul, you're not just going to tell the people that you got something going on with the bills
and not telling what you got going on. I'm hanging on. I will talk, I will talk about it, because hey, listen, hey, it's a football show. Here's the deal. It's a football season show. Here's the deal. I jokingly texted with some friends and I said something's going on with Josh Allen and I think it might be, and it was not to be disrespectful to women, but I think he might be going through something, you know, you go through a break. Well, you don't have to be respectful to women on this thing. Don't fucking do that. No, I'm saying. I mean, listen, you change outside, you're sure. People know where you stand on feminism,
right? Don't buy back what the fuck you're doing here. Just tell me what's up. He's got some broadened his life and his fucking head up. Is that what you're saying? I thought that that's what it was. And then all of a sudden yesterday, something comes out going, hey, the breakup with this one, and now he was spotted with this one, and I'm going, oh, that's why he overthrew that ball by five yards.
Oh, that's what it is. He's a seriomino, monogamous. Is that what it is? No, whatever's what it is. He's a serromanologist. Is that what it is? No, whatever the fuck it is. The guy who breaks up with a chicken and immediately gets into another relationship. Bill, let's say you're about to go out there, modern day gladiator. You're about to go play an NFL team. You got these 350 pound guys running after you, wanting to hurt you.
And right before you get out there, you get on your cell phone and some girls, how the fuck are you doing this to me, Josh? I'm like, all right, do let me just, I gotta get in and get a girlfriend. So like, what the hell? She was over my house. He's like, look dude, I gotta game. Just give me 10 million out of calling you.
I'm just a simple kid from Wyoming, wherever the fuck he played. Yeah, so this is a fuck tattoo. They can turn that shit off. You can turn that off. You can go into a hostile environment every other weekend. If you can go into a fucking Philly, or go into like the Raiders,
all of the got these loud fucking hot dog eating jerk off, screaming at you, saying stuff about your mother. If you can block that out, you're saying stuff about your mother. If you can block that out, you can't, well, a woman you have feelings for, she knows where all the pressure points are, doesn't she? I mean, dude, if I'm about to go on stage and stage, she's like, you're closer on the front lawn, you piece of shit, there might be a tough set. That does affect the first couple of jokes. Your daughter's mad at you. I told her, be like, oh God, man. I told him. Oh, God, anyway, listen, it's an odd week, which means I think you pick first. Oh God.
I wasn't ready for that. This is like when you go to a restaurant, you're not ready to order yet. So because now you go, you go. Yeah. Um, I hate when you know what I fucking hate is when people fucking go to order and they just start to what what do you like here? What do you like it's just make a fucking decision? I defer to what I like here. You know, I like here when my shift is over. That's what the fuck I like here Here's another one Paul. I'm in a mood if one more fucking adult comes walking in and pretends they don't know what a line looks like and They all is this is this is this the line? It's like you mean the line? Yeah.
You think that human beings just every once in a while just naturally fucking hang out face to back in a fucking line. Yeah. Oh, you guys in line, the eight people in the line that we fucking standing in over here, you ask, whole, yeah, we are in line. And you know what a line looks like All right Paul. I don't like any of these games this week But is that am I really commenting on myself? Is it that I don't like myself Paul?
Am I nervous that like football is gonna leave me again and fucking 10 weeks? Then I'll have you said it's so fucking sad. I mean the goddamn baseball they play until the first week of November fucking said. I mean, the Goddamn baseball, they play until the first week of November. They did at a week though, didn't they? They did at a week to the season. All right, Paul, all the, you know, there's a lot of games here that are very interesting. Oh, Jesus. I don't know. I keep riding that Texans bandwagon and they're still being good to me. Although, what's his face is back at quarterback, right? The little water bug there. The Barry Sanders playing quarterback. Why can't I remember his name? Oh, Kyler Murray. Kyler Murray. Look at Jake. Jake's on it. Kyler Murray. He's coming
back. Kyler Murray. I hate every fucking game here. What is with these giant fucking spreads? What's going on with your boy there? Salvo Kano fucking quarterback for the giants. I love a division rivalry with the nine and a half points spread He's Italian. He's still living at home. He's washing his fucking socks over there. I like this guy. He walking down the street holding the bucket of paint. Is he gonna be strutting this week, Paul?
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Not cause they won, just cause they fucking covered. I don't know, man, that's a tough one. What's going on with the bucket nears? Why are they 11 1 1 1 2 1 2, is Baker Mayfield, is he hurt? Is he in the cast? Is he walking into the stadium, missing a limb?
What's going on? Yeah, that's a high line, dude, for that game. It is a high line. Jake, do we have any more? No, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna take the Buccaneers. And the NFC South scares the shit out of me. It's 11 1 a half points.
You know what, I like Paul? I like a nice comfortable first quarter. With a whole bunch of points sitting in my lap. And I'm sitting there with a big dumb look at my face as the 49ers start hacking away at it. Yeah. I'm like, all right, there's only 38 minutes left in this game. Still left by four and a half.
There he is, Jake Rothstein. What do we got? Oh, Jesus, turn your mic on Everybody's healthy Everybody's healthy. Yeah, I feel like Baker then that's hey dude. I like that. I don't like you said if you like Baker I don't feel like Baker if that's kind of you know, I do like Baker Baker may feel as a fucking winner And I think that'll even give him a garbage time touchdown even if they aren't I think think the Buccaneers, I got the Buccaneers 11 and a half. Oh God. I am such a dude.
I am such a fucking dad with two kids under the ages seven. And you're family know who's even in the NFL right now. And you're right there. You're Billy wins some loose some hover. Really want some loose some. I've had one three in one week, two one in three. Is the rest of been two and two. All right.
I like that. I think that's a back door cover. All right. I like that. I think that's a back door cover. Late Baker gets a garbage touchdown. You get those points. All right, guys, here's my first pick. My first pick, uh, it has to happen. It has to happen.
So that's why I'm going to take it. And, uh, it's no, uh, I'm no stranger to this team, but I'm going to take the former San Diego charges now Los Angeles charges minus three against a bad Packers team, a three and six Packers team. And the Chargers need to the Chargers lost the heartbreaker to the Lions with a feel go last second. And I think Justin Herbert gets his team back to 500 because they were playing really good until they ran into the Lions. So I think that this is a perfect line and a perfect game for a team that's better.
I got the Chargers minus three. All right. I got the Vikings plus two and a half in Denver just because, you know, what is Denver going to win like three out of four weeks? I don't think that that that that I don't know, it was just something about the watching the way Russell Wilson was throwing. Like, I don't know what's going on with that guy. He was behind, he was over the head.
It just like that one throw to the back of the end zone. That's the guy I know and I can't understand what the fucking problem is out there. I think they're figuring it out, which I'm really happy for, because I like Sean Payton, but I don't know, the Vikings just have this fucking way about him, even though I know they're quarterback. Was it Jake Plummer?
He's not in this week. Who is it? Is it Jeff George? Who did they resend? They can test a birdie. They got what's his name now? This Josh Dobbskid. Drew Henson
You're thinking of Kirk cousins. He's hurt Kirk cousins Kirk cousins scores points. He made me a lot of fucking money last last year when he was on the Colts Is it last year? All right. I'm gonna take another This is this is got Paulie. This is this is old Paulie. This is this is this is old Paulie. This is Paulie favorites. Paulie favorites. Yes, you know me. I see a good team in a favorite. I get a little jittery. I'm still going to rehab for that habit. What do you got? I'm taking. I just picture me talking to a doctor. I don't know. There's just something when I would I see that little minus sign.
Um, I'm a positive guy. I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguar minus six and a half against the Titans. Um, another three and six bad team. I think the Titans are finito. And, um, I'm going to take the jacks having to win the game by a touchdown at home. All right. I'm going back to the AFC East Paul. The fucking division that that birthed me here. I'm gonna. Oh, man. I like both of the I like both of these fucking games all of a sudden. I didn't like them a minute ago and I haven't read one more shred of information. All of a sudden, I feel like I'm seeing things.
I'm just gonna say fuck it and I'm gonna take the dolphins laying 13 and a half because the Raiders do not have a fucking quarterback. Oh, no, I'm not doing that. I just know the Raiders are gonna show up. Fuck that. I'm gonna take the bills instead. I'm gonna take the bills. One of them, I'm gonna take the bills. I just didn't the jets beat him the first time.
Jet's beat him the first time. Bill's gonna win the second time. I think they're gonna have another team meeting. Something else is gonna call a team meeting. I think, you know, that fucking big I dude, they're playing quarterback. I don't know what the jets, they just can't move the fucking ball. They do have a great defense, but they just can't move the ball. And what's going to happen is they're going to keep three and out, three and out, three and out. And as great as that, jets defense is Paul, they're going to get tired. They're going to want to put their fucking cleats up and sit down for a fucking
second and write it. They get the helmet off Paul. They're going back out there again. So I think in the second half, the bills of pull away, and they're going to cover that seven points for me. Paul, hey, I like it. So I think in the second half to build a pull away and they're going to cover that seven points for me. Paulie! I like it. Your description of the, you're just by the way, another great pick you had last week was the Browns
and what you said about them happened. Imagine the team meeting. Paul, every week I have two good ones and two shit ones, you know? I mean, oh, Billy, Bruce Springsteen, right? He's talking about that. Same old story, that's a fact. Two fucking winners. two step back. Isn't that how it goes?
Oh, I don't know. Okay, I'm gonna take for my third pick. This is where it gets. All right. That's a tough game, but I'm gonna take the Kansas City Chiefs at home on Monday night football. I love that minus two and a half. I love that Yeah, I think that you know, I think what's his name's gonna play with a little more pep in his step because his old country singer girlfriend is gonna be in the box with her parents I'm gonna take them to win by a field goal. I'm on the night football
I love that you know who else loves the chiefs? I feel like the officials love the chiefs. I got all favorites though. And that's not good, dude. It's not good. Hey, Paulie to and to Paulie, when some lose some, um, I think sneaky peets coming down to fucking the Rams, you know, they know each other minus one. Oh, they're not favorite. I don't like that. No, they are sneaky people. They're not getting points is what I meant to say. I don't like that. God dammit. Yeah, this last one's tough. The commanders are fucking hapless and the giants literally have some guy from a deli playing fucking quarterback. I mean, I don't know what to do here. It's fucking guy.
Why do I fucking believe in the Seahawks all the time Paul? Why can't I get off the Seahawks? I love that. Well, I think they had them, the Titans, they just fucking cover the Texans minus four and a half. Am I going back to that game? Kyler Murray, I love Kyler Murray. Dude, the Texans are good, man. I know they are good. You know what?
I'm going to go with them. By the way, shout out to Mike Berkowitz two weeks ago. He told me to fucking take the Texans, which I did. And I got a victory. Oh, Billy went some loose some. All right. Oh, Billy went some loose sums taking the Texans minus four and a half. Paul, I'm so all over the map this week. I don't even know who the fuck I have. I don a victory. Oh, Billy went some loose some. All right. Oh, Billy went some loose sums taking the Texans minus 4 1 1 2. Paul, I'm so all over the map this week. I don't even know who the fuck I have.
I don't know. Just so you know, the five and a half, the lines five and a half. But I don't have five and a half. You know, I just don't mind when I fucking you never be like doing dishes, you know, and right as you're done, somebody comes in and puts another fucking plate in. That's what the fuck just you just want to look at them. And you know, they didn't do it on purpose, put us kind of like, you know,
if you brought that over 30 seconds earlier, it would have been nicer. I don't think there's a difference in four and a half, five and a half though. Really? Well, Paul, let's dip us between you and me. What's the difference between you and me? Well, you can go in the sun and the sun likes you. The sun doesn't like me. Right? You see no difference between four and a half and five and a half. And I do you better with the sun. I feel like I'm better with numbers.
Although you keep beating the book and I don't. Other lions gonna really win, but why does it have to be seven and a half? You Vegas Fuck it sneaky peak minus one. Oh minus one sneaky peak. P minus one. Sneaky P. Oh, I'm doing the Trump dance. Dude, sneaky P and you are you the sea hawks to you are like the charges to me.
You just can't like what the best fucking coaches that like doesn't kind of get his do because he's not parcels. He's not fucking Bella check. Oh, my last pick. I'm not gonna lie. This is throwing a dart at it This this one is not the other ones I looked at and I go yeah, I could sleep
Oh, you're trying to hit a pinata right now. You're blindfolded and you're just swinging like a maniac Everybody stay around go oh Everybody stayed around going, oh, oh, hey. That Cowboys Panther's line is just so fucking perfect 10 and a half. If it wasn't 10 and a half, I would take that, but. My brother took the Panthers. And he's taking winners, dude. He's pleased in a pool.
He's just picking winners, dude. He picked the fucking jets a few weeks ago We had the jets and somebody else two big upsets. Did you take the Raiders bill or no? No, I didn't I the fucking Raiders just disappoint me They have so much goddamn talent except at the quarterback position so they can't get the fucking thing moving I'm gonna all those receivers Paul again. I want to throw it to him I got that killer defense. I'm gonna take the those receivers Paul again. I want to throw it to him. I got the killer defense. I'm gonna take the readers. Oh, Crosby's questionable. Oh, Max Crosby. Oh, well Paul, you got I got to tell you about Max Crosby. Okay. He's the straw that starts to drink.
Here's the thing though. That guy's an animal. He doesn't miss games. You're gonna have to fuck you. They'll tape that guy together. He's gonna go out there. Listen, I have all favorites this week. I'm gonna take some points. I'm gonna take the Raiders getting a backdoor cover 13 and a half. Who knows? Let's see what happens. Could be a loss. I'm gonna take it. The Ray Leota. Coming in the back door. Son of a bitch is. All right. Yeah, I don't know about this pick. But 13 and a half points to start the game is not bad. So there you go. Paul, you're like fucking George Brett,
we're just every season he's flirting with 400. It's fucking, you know, it's not August yet. We're getting in the dog days this summer and there you are, you're right there, Paul. Look, you're fucking hitting like 420. I'm nine games above the book right now. It's not good enough yet. You're nine hitting like 420. I'm nine games above the book right now. It's not good enough yet. You're nine games up.
Yeah. Fucking polyversi. I'm 23. I mean, you're like, I say by the end of this season, you get a book deal. People should read the fucking, or maybe I'm eight and a half, eight, nine. Nine with the two pushes
We pull that is a goddy goddy record I'll tell you what dude if I beat the book again. I'm getting another chain Get another gold chain that always goes on when I do picks I Burn that if I I mean who's gonna argue with you? Bill you know it's gonna be three years, but that would be three years in a row, beating the book Paul. I mean, you should have three chains. Please tell me you have one on order, it just hasn't come in yet.
I will get one on my record. There will be 20 years into this show. You don't look like fucking Mr. T. Bill, you know what time it is? You know what time it is? They'll pay for a hair system so you can grow the mohawk. Well, it is glueuing on before every show. You hear it gets more of a mane.
By two years when I live at Bartonick. You know, I was thinking like, you know, you couldn't be like totally fucking bald and then get a fucking hair system. People notice when you get a hair system if you're starting to go bald. But if you're completely bald and all of a sudden one system. People notice when you get a hair system if you start and go ball, but if you're completely balled and all of a sudden one day,
you just show up, hey, I said don't touch my hair and then you hit it. You can't come with the fucking barberino, right? You can't do that. But Dion Sanders did it. Yeah, dude. And so to Jason, what's his name?
Brian Erlacher. Brian Erlacher was bald his whole career as a linebacker for the Bears. Now the kids got a fucking full head. I know. That's so weird. It's like the old you looks like the young driver's license, you know, when you pull it out going, oh, look at you with hair. They, they, they live in reverse. I said on stage the other night, I go, I would definitely want hair than being bald, but I definitely would rather be bald than have a man bun. That's fucking the late. Oh, dude, those are going to be when
they make fun of this era, when they go back and do like the anchorman, that's going to be like, that's the haircut that they're going to, they're going to make fun of. Oh of. Oh man I saw somebody the other day who the fuck was it for the hair hall of fame and I was like write this down you're gonna forget it. I saw somebody too. I saw somebody I go do that's for the show that guy had all dude guy was probably in his late 50s 60s and he had a fuck who was it? Oh man, I forgot. I'm trying to think I was, I watched a couple episodes of Code Jack last night.
My son loves Code Jack now. No, I know. Three and a half years old. Like he was like yelling when was on. So I thought he wanted me to shut it off, but he just saw the remote in my hand. He thought I was gonna turn it off. And I said, oh, do you like Code Jack?
He goes, yeah, Kojak. Yeah. My brother's out here. And we just said we watched two episodes of Kojak. We barely heard any of the dialogue. All we would do him were calling out cars. He goes, he's like, look at that. That's a fucking AMC pace. Or he picked out another one. It was this 1977 Chevy Shavette sun like yellow. I mean, it was just like, that's like, it was like a substitute teacher car.
Those are the cars that I love seeing, cause the classic ones, people still have them, you see them in car shows, but those ones that you just never see before, anymore like, I saw a guy had a Chevy Monza out here. You don't even remember that car. That car came and went, that they made that car, it fucking flopped Paul, like a number one draft pick.
And they made it for like three, four years. The ship, one last time we saw a Chevy citation. Like, that's the type of shit. Yeah, you gotta watch like Vegas. Yeah, Chevy citation, I never even heard the name citation Dude when they made the design first of all it was like they didn't know they made like a four doors sedan and a hatchback And they just slammed it together. All of the wheel made a car like that too It was one of the ugliest fucking things I've ever seen it looked like the front
It looked like a full-size car and in the back it looked like a skateboard ramp It was the ugliest fucking thing I I'd forgotten about it, right? And anyway, the Chevy citation, I've told this, I know, I've told this a thousand fucking times. When they made the design at the last second, they realized that they had forgot to put the radio in. So they turned it sideways. It was straight up and down.
The volume knob was up here. Turned the station here But his thing but the numbers were they didn't change the numbers like Because it was straight up and down. They still had it like it was horizontal. You had to go yeah My buddy had was like a thermostat, but it was a radio That's what see that's what kills me That's what, see, that's what kills me when these fucking idiots. First of all, the gas combustion people, how much they're in an uproar about the Tesla, like they make and fake videos about how cheap the Tesla is and they're pushing down on the dashboard and they're adding all of these, these sound effects.
I literally had to go to my wife's car like, not that'll make that fucking sound. Like, what do you talk about? They just, they have to do something because they're so fucking fast. And what's funny is they look at them, they look boring, they don't look fast, and then no matter what they do to their car, this fuck dude, you see the new one that's coming out?
Zero to 150 miles an hour in 10 seconds. First of all, why would you give somebody that's gonna be texting while driving? They're driving a missile, the things a missile. So now everybody's like, what would you rather do? Have peach in the microwave or in a brick oven? Like that somebody came up with that analogy.
Now everybody's saying it's like, buddy, nobody's saying you can't buy a gas combustion car. Okay. Like what, like they can't buy a gas combustion car. Like what it like they can't they can't you know what it is they can't handle the fact that something that makes no noise and doesn't look cool Is just blowing by there Driving down the fucking sits hilarious dude. I like the new three. I like the new three. I'm glad they changed the body of the, they're changing, they're starting to change the body of them. Outside you want to, that's cyber truck. Everybody's shitting on it, dude.
That is fucking badass, man. I know, I like all the old shit. I like the sound of an engine and all that. And I know those fucking batteries and all that. They're probably worse for the fucking planet and everything. But I'm not gonna sit there and get like, all these people get fucking crazy in these comments going like, you know.
You know, back in the game, we share a car, you're like, you know, I love how people like, oh, like who have like loud cars think they're more manly. It's like, what about that makes you more, you know. I fucking hate it. I'll be honest with you. Like, I'm not trying to shit on muscle cars at like,
roar, but I love a, you know, me, Bill. I just, I'm going to Lexus today to go pick up my, they just fucking did my maintenance on my, oh, you're refined. You're a gentleman. I like turning that shit on barely here and it's stepping on the gas and fucking flying dude. Put that shit in sport, fucking cozy, man.
Yeah, why does it have to make all that fucking? I understand it with the motorcycle because you want people to, they can't see it, they can hear you, you don't die. But I don't understand why, like to a certain volume I get, you know, although I'm not gonna lie to you. Remember that kid KC, that painted the cars on fast and loud?
He just upgraded his Frankenstein truck. He's got this F100 lower to the ground. It's green, calls it Frankenstein. He put a thousand horsepower engine in it. I watched this video three times of him doing a burnout in it. It's just fucking, it was amazing. He gave me a ride on his that truck one time when he,
and I think it was only like 700 horsepower. I had my feet up on the dashboard going, dude, slow down, slow down. You know, I'm not going to lie, man, I was not a Tesla guy until I drove one home from New York City to my house and I fucking dreamed about it. I actually was like, I need this in my life, the speed. Like I would say the speed is is fucking insane? I will tell you this, I fucking hate that car. It just thanks too much. You fucking walk, I know you can somewhere in the setting shut this off, but it just,
it keeps, it tries to anticipate. It's like you're doing too much. So I'm walking up to the car and I have the key in my pocket. So the front door pops open like that. But the problem was, was my three year old was coming around the other side. So fucking pops open and it had somebody falls into a bush.
Jesus, he's okay, I think. He was our, you know, he had a big puffy coat on. You know, they walk around there, he looked like they were in a fat suit, you know? But it was just like, it just does that. Or like when you open the stupid Falcon doors, if there's just one little debris thing, it thinks like it's, I don't know what,
the top of a parking garage. Then you gotta like push it up. It's come down on my fucking head. I'm not, you know, it's got that giant fucking tablet thing. I'm not into, I'm not into it. I don't think you have to use the tablet for every move. I think if it was voice activated, it would be better, but the fact that you got to hit that thing.
And I don't like not seeing things in front. I like seeing the speedometer and I like seeing that there for me. If your family's anything like mine, they're loud and there's a lot of them. So if we need to travel to see even more of this big family, whether it's in England or in New York, the solution is obvious, getting Airbnb. Not surprisingly, everyone has their specific requests.
So we need a big common space for all the kids, but also some privacy. And then if we can get an Airbnb with a pool, well, I become the hero. Fortunately with Airbnb, accommodating everyone's needs is easy. So we'd love to cook. And a great kitchen is top of the list. We may not be at our house, but we know with an Airbnb, we're going to feel right at home. Whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big celebration or just to get away, get an Airbnb. way, get an Airbnb.