Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-17-16

Episode Date: November 18, 2016

Bill sits down with friend and comedian Ben Bailey.

It's going on, it's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. This is not an official podcast, this is where I just check in on you on a Thursday. See how your fucking work week is going? And most times, you know the deal, I do it by myself, I lay around, I shoot the shit, I say things, people hear things, they think that it's about them, and who is or isn't in the White House, who the fuck knows. But every once in a while, I bring on a guest.

And when I do, I don't just bring on any guests, I bring on some of the most talented people out there and some of my great friends, and today, this is no different. I have the great Ben Bailey from Cash Cab. He's got a new special, he's got a bunch of short films, he's got a new website, he's got a bunch of shit he wants to talk about. Ben Bailey. What's up man? How the fuck are you?

I'm good dude. Good to see you. Yeah, you too, bro. Now, when was the last time I saw you? It was in last November, wasn't it? Uh, might have been. In where world? I feel like I've seen you once since then.

We had to have some sort of festival. Yeah, yeah, maybe out here, but you're talking about... Walking by to some social media tent. You're talking about Madison Square Garden, no? Was that last November? Was that a year ago already? Yeah, it was. It was the, uh, no longer Toyota Comedy Festival.

Oh, really? Is it done? Or is it just... Isn't it just the New York Comedy Festival? Oh yeah, it's just New York now, yeah. Do you remember how many years when we were in New York? I came to New York in like 95, I believe, and I... Yeah, that's just a couple years after me.

I started out here and then went back there. Oh, okay, and we did like, what we did, like maybe four or five thousand shows together? Yeah, something like that. I literally sat down one time, and this is 15 years ago now, or maybe like 12 somewhere in there, and I tried to sort of have, you know, add up some idea of how many stand-up shows I had done. What did you think? I came up with 10,000, and that was, you know, at least 10 years ago, probably more.

And you count as shows every time you go on. Yeah, yeah, just any set I did anywhere. That's fair, because any time you go up, God knows what the fucking happened, right? Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter if it's four or five minutes. Yeah, somebody can still, there's plenty of time to have something thrown at you. Yeah, something awful happened. You know, something, I remember, I kept counting until about like 26, into 30 maybe, and then I just lost it.

But I remember there was a guy... Oh really, you would keep a track of how many you had done? Yeah, I probably did too. I don't even remember, but I probably did too. I was always jealous of people that did that, because I'm sort of like, I like, I hate stats and like, trying to figure out where people are socially, but I love them in sports, because they're like, they're kind of fact as far as like, how many homeruns you hit, you know. That's like a ladder too, it gives you something to go up against.

Yeah, but I don't buy a little bullshit, like, you know, they're overnight when it's raining out and blah, blah, blah, blah, when you get to that shit, like I'm more into the, how many yards did this guy throw for, how many did he run, or whatever, stuff like that. Right, not in specific situations. They do break it down a little too far, you're like, what the fuck? It's the reason, because we have like 19 maybe, 24 hour sports networks, plus internet, plus shitheads like me and all that, the whole thing, it's just way too much information. And what I was trying to get to was, do you remember when the Toyota Comedy Festival first

came around? Yeah. It was the funniest shit ever, it was just this, they would say that it was the festival. It was like nobody I ever met that was connected with it, they would just hang a banner. It was just a banner at the regular clubs, right? Yeah, and it was all the same regular performers, there was no industry, and it was just, you remember Estie would leave on, this weekend we have the Toyota Comedy Festival, and we have Ben Bailey, Bill Burr, Godfrey, it was all the same fucking people, except it was

a banner. It took us like, we were all so excited, because we had nothing going on in our careers, we were like, oh, I'm part of the festival, and it took about three years before somebody finally just said, yeah, what is this shit beyond like a... This is not a festival, this is a regular Wednesday. Right, and somehow though, that morphed into an actual festival into the New York Comedy Festival, right? Yeah, which is, I think, there's a lot of festivals out there, but like New York City, you got

to have a big comedy festival. You got it, yeah, I think so. I think it's great, I was actually, I haven't been a part of it really, but I'm supposed to be next year. You laid the groundwork for the first nine years, when it was just the banner. Yeah, for the first nine years, that's right. I was a part of it for the first nine, and then they started booking people, and I missed the cut, or some shit, I don't know.

You and me both. How about the New York Underground Comedy Festival? I don't think I was a part of that. I'm sure I submitted a VHS tape to it. The joke was that it was so underground that literally no one knew about it. Was it down at like surf reality, in like the village? It was the same thing, it was like a banner at a couple of clubs, you know, and some guy had a bunch of money, it was like, I'm going to have a festival, you know.

That's a great way. But they flew people in from LA and stuff, and these guys would come in, they're like, you know, we're here for the festival, and we're all like, what are you talking about? I'm sure we greeted them warmly. You're like, go home, you fucking assholes. Well, the last time, I guess sort of meandering my way towards was that tour of Comedy Festival, then morphed into the New York Comedy Festival, and that's what that MSG gig was last year, and as I mentioned, as I mentioned to you guys, you know, obviously that was a nerve-wracking

gig, and I just, you know, I can't remember how the fuck came about, probably from doing the Goddamn Comedy Jam or whatever, I was like, I asked my agent, I was like, hey wait, we paid to rent that thing all day, right? Considering 90% of the money is going to go right back to renting that giant fucking place, I go, yeah, I said, can I rent a drum kit, first, I was just going to rent a drum kit and just jam with my music by myself, typical comedian, totally isolated, but because of Josh Adam Miders and the Goddamn Comedy Jams, people, they're like, we're going to be in town, so I rented all this gear, and there was this running thing with me and Ben for

about eight years, we were trying to get together, Ben Ben music, you play drums, I play guitar, we're going to get together, and every fucking time he'd come out here to LA, and it's like he's running around, he's got meetings, he couldn't fucking make it, and then I get to New York, and you're out in Jersey, and that's just, when you don't have a fucking car, it's like, oh my God, I'm going to get on the path train, I can't get anybody to come out, Gypsy Cab, so finally, like, we're just like, I'd come to town, and we were going to jam, and then that's when we finally solidified it, and I was going to drive out to your place, so you were all excited because you made it right in New Studio.

Yeah, yeah, I have a studio that I built and everything, and I'm like, oh, we're finally going to play in it. And he's all amped up, telling me how great his fucking studio is, and I was like, I don't know, man, I think I got a better place. Yeah, you're like, I got a better place, I'm like, I'm on the other end like, you motherfucker. Yeah, what the fuck? And I just said, I didn't give you the address, I think I told you it was MSG. I said, I finally, I wrote back where, like, I was like, it must be someplace good.

Yeah. Like, he's not just slamming my home studio that I built without having seen it, he must have some good fucking venue, and then text pops up MSG, I'm like, Mono Sodium Clued Me? Yeah. Can't be fucking Madison Square Garden, man, that's ridiculous. I knew when I said I have a better place, your next text was going to come back in all capitals, because Ben doesn't take any shit from anybody, and he's actually big enough

to beat the fuck out of me and about 20 other people. So he's, what the fuck? I totally insulted his studio. Fuck. What do you mean a better place? Yeah, so he ended up coming down, and as I mentioned before, is that my phone? Jesus Christ, Bill, can you be a fucking professional for once in your life? Jesus Christ.

It just makes it real. It makes it real. To the listeners. It makes people feel like they're actually in the studio witnessing how unprofessional this is. You know, when you see them, like, jumped up and looked around. I know, because I do have this. When the phone rings, they're like, oh, oh no.

That's the standard one. Like, if you're ever hiding in the closet, and there's a serial killer walking around, there's a chance when your phone rings, he won't know it's you. He'll think it's him. He'll think it's his phone. For a second, and maybe you can run out when he goes to look at it. You fucking smother him with your PJs. Oh, it's a great scene in a film right there.

Oh, there you go. The killer checks his own phone. He's like, goddammit. Yeah. Could you once in your life be professional? Well, speaking of playing music is, I have, like, the hearing damage that I have, which is inevitable if you play or you do this fucking radio. The hearing damage that I have is, I actually got my hearing checked, like, I still can

hear everything. But I have a little bit of displacement as to where it is, like, it'll be to the right, and I start going to the left. Yeah, my wife just laughs at me. Oh, that's interesting, man. Yeah, as long as it stays at this level. I didn't know that. You think it's from doing stand-up and, like, playing music and having these things?

Yeah, having headphones on all the time. I know Opie from Opie and Anthony says, my ears are shut, because what happens is, as your ears get tired, you know, you keep turning up and turning up. It's all about the duration. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Those guys do, like, four hours a day, and I try to be conscious of it, but, like, I fucked my ears up in the 80s, one of my ears.

I got that tinnitus, you know, just rings at a real low level, or if I'm really hung over it, but I mean, I don't have, like, to the Pete Townsend level, but so anyways, getting back to it. I know that was all crazy, right? But not from the music, from race car driving. It's just, like, what? Oh, is that what it's from? Yeah, that's what they said.

It wasn't, you know, he's been in AC DC all these years, like, the loudest fucking band, but no, that's not why his ears are damaged. It's from driving race cars. One of my first times, I really fucked my ears up, is I saw them on the Heat Secret tour. Oh, no way. I saw them at the Boston Garden. Nice.

I think Cinderella opened. No, no, I saw them down in Providence. It was a different tour. I saw them a bunch of times. Who made who? Heatseeker. There were not whole periods. I used to go see him, and I didn't have earplugs, and as loud as that was, the fucking dude

driving home, he had the fucking thing turned all the way up to fucking 10. I remember just, like, sitting in the back, just taking it rather than asking him, hey, can you turn that down? Yeah, dude, you're making all of us laugh. No, I had, like, that German-Irish just, like, yeah, don't complain. Don't complain. Suffer in silence. Yes, it'll be over soon.

I love that when you're in the back of a car and the guy's driving like a fucking maniac, and I'm like being polite. Yeah. I'm like, I don't want to offend him by asking him to slow down or whatever. I'd rather just risk my own death. Hey, not trying to be that guy. Be rude. Not trying to be that guy, but I'd like to live.

Yeah, I'd like to survive this ride. Yeah, I don't want to be in a halo at the end of this. But anyway, so we finally ended up getting to play at Madison Square Garden, which I think it was worth the fucking wait. It was worth the wait, too. That was our Chinese democracy. Dude, I got to tell you, man. I wouldn't change a thing.

You fucking can play. Oh, okay. You can really play, man. I was really like, your tone is crazy, and I got to show that to a bunch of people when I got to do the Tonight Show. Yeah. I showed it to Quest and Fallon and stuff. I think I showed it to them, and they were just like, wow, man, you should have given

us Jimmy's all. You should have given us the video. We would have played it. I was just like, all right, dude, it's not that good. It's not quite on that level. I'd like to just. That was so fun, dude. It really was.

It really wasn't. Josh was going off. It was a real day. Yeah, and I had so many people play, too, like my agent went out and played. He almost didn't go. I had to twist his arm. Yeah, yeah. Berkowitz.

Go up there. I helped you drag him up there. I was like, come on, dude. Little wing or something. Michael O'Brien. He fucking ran up. He ran. I was like, hey, Mike, you want it?

He just ran right up. He was great, too, man. That was a fucking great day, dude, and your show was awesome, and I didn't know anything about F is for Family before that night, so you guys played the preview of it. That was the first time we showed the premiere. I was like, holy shit, man. This is going to be awesome. I didn't even know.

Yeah. It's great. Well, we've got another 10 episodes of that coming out, but we're here to promote your stuff. Let's start with your website, therealbenbailey.com. That's your relaunching, your website, or you just. I'm relaunching it. It's been kind of just very basic for a long time, and I was like, you know what?

It's time to just start making my own stuff and putting it out directly to people because there's no reason to go and try and sell. There's two short films on there that I made that I really love. What's the one with Judah Freelander that you made a while ago? I'm dying to see that. Dude, it's funny. It's called Meet Me at Raise, and we made it way back in 2002 or something, 2003, and then we both got crazy busy after that, and it just sat there.

I just looked at it. I'm like, I got to put this thing out. It's just about two idiots meeting up for pizza at Raise Pizza in New York, but there's a lot of raised pizzas. Dude, you got a little busy at 14 years later. That's funny. 14 years later, I'm like, all right, let's put this thing out. What happened during those 14 years?

He started doing all the movies. You did the Cash Cab thing. That was so cool watching you guys blowing up. I felt like our generation had an even thing. Nobody knew who we were, and then all of a sudden, everybody started just got some inroads. I don't know what happened. Yeah, it felt like we were all going nowhere. I mean, Judah and I used to sit in his minivan at the end of the nights of stand-up in New

York. He'd just be like, man, this is brutal. We've got nothing. Yeah. We've got nothing going on. Dude, I remember being in New York. And then boom. And I had moved back from LA the first time I was out here, and I lost my booking agent.

I had no manager, I had no agent, and I was incorporated as a business, and it just cost me too much money. I got unincorporated. All right, instead of paying to be incorporated. Yeah, because I wasn't making any money, and I went all the way back to square one, and I was living in that walkthrough bedroom apartment with the guy who was on the lease, and it was me and Bobby Kelly. We had a lot of fun, but there was definitely nights.

It was probably good that I was living with Bobby because we'd laugh until the late night, and then I, man, take it easy. But if I had to go home and just be with my own thoughts, that happened after he moved out, and then I moved out. And then there was that period about 2000 to 2004 where, yeah, there was a lot of days just waking up going like, what am I doing? What the fuck? I mean, dude, I had, I mean, from 2000 to 2004, I think somewhere in there, I did get

a half hour, but there was like a thousand. I remember. I think I came to your half hour. The Comedy Central one? Yeah. I think so. Yeah, there was like a good three-year period there. It's more midtown, yeah.

And I was like, okay, 33 years old, 34 years old, 35, and you're like, fuck. This was not the plan. I thought it was okay. Yeah. Yeah, it was, yeah, and then the whole alt scene was coming up, and that whole thing blew up, and then we were just the fucking outcast. Totally. That was rough, man.

When the alternative comedy club scene developed and then just became this big thing. You couldn't drag an industry person. Plus, we're just like, yeah, we're just in the mainstream clubs, like, oops, no idea everything was going to move to those places. Yeah. Oh, man, those were rough ones, you know? But we used to have... Everything changed, yeah.

So you made that thing like 15 years ago, what's this other movie that you have coming out? Because I know you're going into this screening here, which is really cool. This one's called Blam, Badly Written Action Man. Yeah, yeah. It's just, you know, action movies, the action starts. They are badly written in a manner of speaking. Oh, I think it's got a lot of quality in those movies.

But they're like one-liners are at least kind of clever, witty, even if they're over the top. Let off some steam. Yeah, totally. So I was like, I just thought of this character one day. I can't remember what I was doing or where, but I just like it. Be funny, if so much of those movies now are built around those lines, if when you finally get to one of those lines, it's just awful.

Just no payoff? Just no payoff at all, you know, which is like an anti-payoff, really. So it's kind of a crazy concept, but it just sort of fell together like. And how long are these movies? They're both about 10 minutes. And this is like the type of stuff you're going to start putting on the realbenbailey.com? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's a smart idea because those shorts end up, they end up turning into something.

They turn into movies. And that's one thing I've learned about this business is it's just like, when you make that decision, like if this feels right, I'm going to do this. How many people, they do it one, two times, and when Spielberg or Oprah doesn't want to interview you or some shit, you're like, well, that sucks. Fuck this business. Yeah, I tried. You just got to keep going because then when one of them hits, then they go back to your

whole library. Yeah, yeah. And you got all of that stuff and they'll, something will turn into it, but. I hope you're right about that, dude. Hey, how long are you going to? I put a lot into them. Boyam is about 10 minutes and it's badly written action, man, which was originally a badly written action star.

And then Lenny Marcus and I were working on writing, throwing around ideas about it. And he was abbreviating it when he wrote back to BWAS, Blas or whatever. And that made me go like, oh, maybe, maybe there's something in the acronym. And then I was like, oh, if I make it badly written action man, then that's boyam and that's like a badly written sound effect. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? It's like boyam.

Hey, dude. So it just kind of fell together. You know, when you feel like something's working, I had all these ideas and that one, because of little stuff like that, just moved to the front. So I just made it. When did you shoot that one? In July. Oh, cool.

Well, there you go. Now you've really stepped it up. Yeah. One took you 12 years. This one took you about 12 weeks. Yeah, you're totally right. Ben's on a tear now. Jesus Christ.

But it's cool. DC Benny's in it. Oh, I loved it. He's a great actor, DC. Dude, he's so good in this. He's so funny. He's the evil villain in boyam episode one. I'm in.

I'm going to watch this. Dante is in it. Vecchio is in it. Vecchio is a riot. Masavio is in it. Masavio career. Holy shit. I put him in.

I was like, dude, he'd be a perfect henchman. So yeah, Masavio, how we know him. He used to run the old Boston comedy club, which is now you'd fucking, it was a wine tasting or wine bar? Yeah, it's a wine bar yet. I walked in there one night just ahead and go in and look at it. And there was all these, you know, people in that, you know, 20s in a prime of their fucking life like we used to be.

And I just was going like, they're like, can I help you, sir? And I was just like this old man, this used to be a comedy club. And they were like, really? And I was like, yeah, I go, I watched like a 20 year old Dave Chappelle right where that two top is. And that was at first, they didn't give a fuck till I dropped his. So he said Chappelle. And they were like, really?

Oh my God, they couldn't believe it. And I was like, all offended. Like, how come you don't know what's important to me? Yeah, totally. I know that feeling. Yeah. It's just like, well, because we moved on old man. Now, would you like a Merlot or get the fuck out of here?

Serving Merlot, I'm fucking leaving. I don't do the downstairs of that place is now the zinc bar. The one that was used to be called the Beacon Cafe. It used to be the the bag it in the bag and in when we used to drink in there. Pretty hard. And remember that kid with the glasses, the kid on the guitar, he come down a fucking like whale like every Monday night, David Coker. Holy shit, that guy David Coker.

Yeah, I've still been in touch with him, man. He we did a song for my last special. Coker and I wrote a song and did it and play it at the end. That's got cash cab blues, silly, like, you know, cash cab blues tune. Right. Because I loved Coker so much. He's such a great musician. You really?

How long you've been playing, by the way? Since I was 12. Yeah, you can tell. 12 years old. I the guy that lived behind this English family moved in behind us. The Sedgwick's. And the old, the oldest guy, the oldest ship's love. Hello.

Is this your yard? Is this your garden? Oregano. I was talking about that in my last podcast, like every fucking ingredient spice they always say differently. Yeah. So yeah, there's a lot of little. Basil, oregano, basil to my girlfriend.

You've met my girl, right? She's Australian. I have a new bit around one of those little things that. That still come up. These little differences between how they speak and how we speak. And she said, I'm talking about my daughter going horse riding, right? I'm like, horse riding, we say horseback riding. And then I'm like, why do we specify?

Yeah, horse riding actually makes a lot more sense. They kind of get into it. We only ever ride on one part of the horse. Horseback riding. Yeah, yeah. But she just said horse riding. Get off its neck. Yeah, yeah, horse neck.

And so I have this whole bit about it, but there's so many little things like that. But so these British got this British family moves in behind us. The oldest brother is like, I'm like, I'm 11. What are their names again? The Sedgwick's. I just want to hear you say that Andrew Sedgwick, John Sedgwick. Just loyalty is with the urgency of that accent. It's just fucking tremendous.

I would listen to it's not fair, is it? There's so much gravitas. Yeah, that comes with that accent. It's just we can't sound so fucking important. Everything I say. Yeah, so sorry. No, that's fine. So the oldest brother is like 25 or 26, and he's a sound engineer.

So he's got a studio in their attic. He builds a studio in their attic and he's working on doing sound mixing for some albums, like some pretty big stuff like that. And what was his name? His name is Andrew Sedgwick. Still is as far as I know. But so I would go over there and annoy the shit out of this guy. I was just a little kid who I was so curious about all his equipment and stuff,

his studio and everything that he got fed up with me asking him a zillion questions and he just put a guitar in my hand here, play with this. So I started playing with it. And, you know, six months later, I bought it. I saved up my money for my paper route and I bought his. Oh, you had a paper route, too. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you say route. I say route. Look at that route route.

I had a paper. Wait, which one did I say? You said route. I thought route was Midwest. I don't. Well, see, I have a little Midwest. I lived in Michigan when I was when I was little. Oh, I didn't know.

So I have this weird mix of accents. Yeah. I lived in the South, too. So I kind of don't have anything. No, my dad running from the law. Oh, he changed jobs a lot. He's a killer. So how many times were you the new kid in school? Four. I did it three times.

It's brutal. Fucking brutal, right? I still remember the kids that were nice to me. I still remember when I moved the last time we moved. Or maybe the second time this kid, Keith Hannon, the first recess goes, Hey, man, you want to play catch? He had a tennis ball. And I was just like, Oh, thank God.

Because it was bad enough. It was bad enough coming in. Like we were like forward. We moved to the town. We were like four days. We were it was already four days into school year. Yeah. And then we came and I had the very similar thing.

And how they bring you in. He's like, you don't just like I didn't just show up. I didn't get on the bus or anything like that. Like we went down to the principal's office because we were late and everything. And they were like, all right. And they just walked us down. And she just came walking in going, OK, class.

We have a new student. They're all looking at me. I kind of like energyed my way through the last one. I hung my coat up like, Hey, I made a lot of noise. Oh, nice. I went over and I sat down. And then that's why I just sat down. I felt like, of course, my desk, I felt

was like right in the middle of the class. I just felt everybody glancing at me. I was like, just sit with my fucking orange hair. Like, I know, I know. I don't like it either. Fuck off. So that's brutal. Being the new kid is fucking hard.

I was tall. Like I was a big kid, kind of. At that age, when we were in high school, I wasn't that big. Everyone sort of caught up with me. And then I grew again later. But when I was in fourth grade, I was one of the bigger kids. So it seems like it'd be great.

But no, all the kids who were the bigger guys, I had to like fight them. I had to fight my way through. First day of school, people were choosing who I had to fight on the fucking playground. I'm like, this is not a good start. I always lost. I always lost.

I fought this kid, I remember. I fought this kid. This is sort of kind of when I look about it. Like it was sort of racist the way the teacher handled it. He was the only black kid. And for some reason, we fought. We fought like five recesses in a row. And he kept kicking my ass.

And finally, I remember I was starting to win. And he had these fucking work boots on. And then he just went like, bam, bam, bam. Like three times in my shit. I was like, dang. I started crying, right? I was just sitting there crying. I remember she fucking, as we used to say back then,

bawled him out, is what we used to say to get yelled at. She bawled him out. Yeah, yelled at him. And then came out, I was sitting there crying. And she came home and she rubbed my head. She even thought. So you just got away with it basically? I was kind of like maybe.

Because you lost. Oh, because I was so pathetic. Or maybe I just looked like a little beat up Ron Howard. I don't know what, Ralph Malf for something. She's like, there, there, Ginger. Yeah, she was. I actually thought about later, like why was she comforting me? We both got into it every fucking recess.

I was clearly not trying to get away from the kid. I didn't even know why we were fighting, either. Because then we ended up being like friends. It was just like that little kid shit. And I still remember somehow I slipped and fell in what I did. During the fight? Yeah, and then he had his work boots. I think he fell down too.

Maybe it was just with the heel of his boot, tongue sticking out, you know, little kids, when they're really trying to make an effort. That was it, just crying. Dude, I had a bunch of those. I would cry even if I won the fights when I was a kid. Oh, because just the emotion. It's just like, what happened?

I beat him up. I remember telling him, I was at a birthday party. We were playing street hockey. And this one kid who played hockey was like really good. He kept lifting my stick and kept taking the puck. And he was like fucking twice my height. Oh, knocking your stick up? Yeah, and I got so mad.

I turned around and I just started fighting him. And he just kind of like, he'd like lean back and kind of like, let me fucking get like three, four in, like missing kind of. And then he just went, blam! And blasted me in the side of the head. And I fell down. I started crying. And I walked away.

And I just remember screaming the top of my lungs as I was walking, because I used to cut through the woods. And people were yelling from the party. To get to school? No, I'd cut through the woods to get to my friend's house where we played street hockey. I was already into the woods and people were screaming. They're like, come on, Bill, come back.

And I was in the middle of the woods by myself going, fuck you. I think his mother yelled one time. And I just went home. You're in the woods alone. And this is the maturity of the other kid. This is, no, just walking through the trail. This thing, you know, your head was always hot. It's so familiar, this is such a real moment.

Yeah, I feel like I live the same thing. And what was funny was I came home and I told my mother what happened. And it never dawned on her to call over there to drive me. All that overly just getting involved with shit, parenting that people have done over the last, like whatever, since we were kids. She just was like, all right.

See you when you get home. Yeah, well, you know, I have things to do or whatever. And then that was kind of it. And I remember the next day, the maturity of the other kid was when we were on the bus, I was like ignoring them and stuff. And he just kind of yelled that, you know, everybody stands up and you're waiting to get off the bus.

He yelled, hey, Bill, let me talk to you. We get off the bus. And I was like, oh, we got off the bus. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, dude, this is fifth grade. He really just goes like, yeah, sorry about that. I was like, all right, man. And it was fine.

Wow, that's impressive. Yeah, I should have learned that lesson, but I didn't. Huh? No, it's good. No, it's good. What was his name? You remember his name? Yeah, I don't want to say everybody's name.

I probably shouldn't have said it because people get all weird and shit. They're still real. They're actually real people who are still alive. Yeah, his first name was Tom. Put it that way. He's a tall fucking dude. Tall Tom.

Dude, I was way out of my fucking weight class. And even the ass kicking was a gentlemanly ass kicking. He just gave me one, shut the fuck up, sit down. Just a quiet little kid. Yeah, there was no reason for me to fight. I was just mad because he was better than me. He was really immature. Even for that age, I'm still ashamed of myself.

So anyway, so this guy ended up giving you a guitar. That's really fucking cool. Amy Guitar, yeah, it was so cool. I guess she had to pay for it. I got it. Well, I mean, I could go over there and play it whenever, but at some point I was like, I'm gonna save up and buy it. I think I bought it for like 75 bucks.

Did he teach you any chords or anything? Or was he? No, no. He just left me to it, you know? But then my sister's boyfriend was a guitar player, and he was quite a bit older. And like, so he showed me some stuff. And pretty soon I was like, you know,

I could figure out some songs. I always had a decent ear. I could pick stuff out and find it. But that was, unless you had the money to take lessons, that was the only way to learn back then. That was it, no lessons, no, you know. Like kids today, the shit that they can see on YouTube, someone will just totally break the thing down,

which is great, which is great. And that's why there's so many monster players out there. But like, I would suggest if, you know, as they start to show it to sort of turn you back to the screen and see if you can just listen to what he's doing. And just so you'll always develop in your ear, because I wouldn't want to be that guy, like,

you know, couldn't figure it out, like. Yeah, well that's part of the thought of figuring it out. Yeah. You know? But I also think that maybe one sort of downfall of everything being out there for anybody to learn is, you don't develop your own style of guitar, like, or whatever it is.

Right. Like I play guitar differently than most people, I think, because no one ever really taught me how to play. I just started playing it. Right. So I have little things that I do that are probably unique to me, at least I hope they are. Right.

And some technique, I would be like, actually, that's... Yeah, that's wrong. You're holding your hand wrong, or, you know, you should be... You know, it still sounds good, but... Yeah, I mean, like, well, but this is what I do. So, you know, but I think music is like that. You know, it's your expression, whatever you do. That's what you do, so.

Yeah, it's definitely a, it's kind of a great thing for it, and it's also a weird thing, because then I definitely, there's always like, then there's like the top, like, fucking... It's just, I feel like everybody's influence now is whatever subject it is, the first page, the first three links, becomes like 90% of people's like consciousness, because if you look at...

I should probably, because I even do that, I should probably do it when I go on YouTube, next time I go to look something up, to try and just click to like, like, what the fuck is on page three? Yeah. Like, I want to get into the... Go to page 99,

and see what the hell's on there. The underground. Yeah, there's 100,000 pages to look at, of most things, right? 100,000 hits on how to play, you know. Yeah, I played, I played right before I came over here. I'm doing another one of those, the goddamn comedy jam, so I have another song.

Oh, nice. I got to try to get together with you. What song, what do you got, or you can't say yet? I don't want to ruin it, because it's part of the show when they get there, but it's, you know, I always stay pretty much, you know, 70s and 80s. Right.

I dress up like the drummer that I'm gonna, so it's just completely ridiculous. Yeah, cause it's... I want to do one of those with those guys. I got to, I got to connect with them, cause they were like, you should do one when you come out next, but now it's been a year. Yeah, you'd kill it.

That'd be so fun, dude. I wonder if, I don't know if Josh and those guys came out for the Toyota and now New York comedy festival. I think they were there. I think they were in New York for that. Dude, I have so much fun with those guys there. One year, I did Montreal, the comedy festival, just to come in, I played with those guys

three nights in a row. Just to do it. And then I did a stand-up show, but like the reason I was there... Was to do the music. Yeah, because I played, dude, I played for fucking like 20 years by myself. Yeah.

Like it was so... Me too, same thing, man. But it was such like a kind of thing of like, why I ended up becoming a comedian, cause I was so introverted and like it didn't dawn on me until like the mid 2000s. I started playing in the 80s. That was just like, hey, kind of the reason

for playing is to interact with other human beings. Just to entertain, yeah, to share it with people, yeah. Yeah, and then thank God that that show came around. And then the first time I got to like... Well, I sat in with a few other people, but the first time I actually kind of came out, people knew who the fuck I was and I had to sit down. It was a really like, it was such a fun thing.

So... Playing music live is like different than stand-up, obviously, but it's so great. But I think it's... I just love it, man. It's fun for us to, because we're not in a band and we don't have to deal with that because I know that guys I've met there are actually in bands.

It's like the big thing is how to keep it fun and when it starts becoming a job. Like you've toured with other comedians and you know when you're toured with comedians, you're gonna have the substance abuse guy, you're gonna have the pussyhound, the late guy, the egomaniac. Those are all the same guy.

That's all Tony Woods, isn't it? No, you're right, yeah. Tony might have a couple, we all have a couple of those. I'm one of two of those guys from time to time. But yeah, I mean... What two are you, would you say? I'm late and what were the other ones? Substance abuse, egomaniac, pussyhound.

I would say I am... I'm definitely late and maybe I have the touch of substance abuse. I'm substance abuse guy, cigars drinking. I don't know if this makes me a fucked up or anything, but I know I could shut it off anytime I want to, I just don't want to. What do you mean, the drinking or the...

Yeah, I could go, I did it. I got to that point too, yeah. I know you went a few years, I went and I did like a year and some change. You know, a year and a couple of days, I was just like, I missed it. But it's not like it completely ruins my... I don't know, I mean, I know when to do it.

Yeah, I do it much more controlled than I used to. Like when I stopped, I stopped because I was like, holy shit, I'm out of control here. Oh, all right. I got to lay off and regain my footing. So five years I quit. I think that's the difference between maybe addicts and fucked up people like you and I,

where it's just like, I can just, I just, when he gets out of control, I was like, all right, well, I'm not gonna do that for like a month. Yeah, stop for a while, yeah. Although this year, you know, I kept saying that and it was never a month. It was always like three, four days.

I had a real stressful year this year, just a lot of stuff. Oh, that sucks. No, it's just... What, career stuff? Being busy, being busy, being busy and all my free time kind of fucking dissolved and sitting there, you know, writing on a show

is just you come home, your brain is fried. And I probably should have picked a better habit, but it started becoming coming home and having a whiskey, right? And then it became two and then it became three and then my wife is finally like, hey, you fucking boozebag, what are you doing? Literally called me a boozebag.

And then I dialed it back and for me, it's just... Could you like laugh when she'd said that? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, you weren't like, that's good. No, my wife is hilarious. Because if you're like, what the, you know, you've got all mad and be like, oh, wait a minute. I knew that.

No, if I did that, no, that would have been bad. That's a bad, if that's your reaction and you need to think about it. Yeah, standing there and you're like, yeah, you're right. I need to rate it in, sorry. Then it's cool. I just had a couple of bottles hidden behind toilets and shit, that's totally normal.

No, I think... Don't you think everybody's the kind of needs to have some little shit that's just theirs? Like a little thing that you keep just for you? No, you have to do it right now. You know what I mean? Like everybody's got maybe some secret little shit that's just theirs.

Whatever it is. I saw this guy one time, this old dude. I'm gonna move the mic here, I'm sorry. I gotta lean back at some point, have bad posture. I saw this one time I was staying at this hotel, right? And there was this old dude standing there, all right? And like every night, like clockwork, because I would finish the shows, I'd come home.

He'd come walking out, some of those hotels you could, he had a little dog or whatever nowadays. Everything's like a fucking therapy dog, so you can get away with it. It's a working dog. Working dog, yeah. But you're not supposed to ask. Yeah.

I asked the guy in the airport, he's like, you're not supposed to ask about it. Well, I did. If he didn't have a sweater that said working dog on it, I wouldn't have fucking asked. Yeah, what's his job? Yeah, what's his job? Did it major in business?

So sorry, good. Every night this guy would come out and he would take out a little pouch. It was tobacco, by the way. He'd take that out and he would roll his own cigarette. And I just saw it, it was like, this is this guy's whole ritual. He'd sat there and he would only smoke one.

Right. And he would just, he would milk it and he would make it last for like a half hour and he would just sit out there quietly, no phone, no iPad, no nothing. And I remember seeing that going like, I get what that guy's doing. Yeah.

And I wish I had the time to do a little more of that. We just have that, I think guys kind of need like a long time. I don't know how women are, women are a little more social. But I agree. They probably need it too. I have no idea, I shouldn't speak for them. I don't know. My girl seems content to just be together

and talk and chat about everything all the time. And sometimes I'm like, why am I getting all cranky and fucked up right now? I'm like, I just need to be by myself. Like I need to, I definitely need a long time. I think that's why we- So you've got a million things going on. You know, we also, these careers are all consuming

if you let them be. Right. Because we don't have an office. We don't punch a clock. We don't show up at one time and then leave at another. It's just always going on. Right. You have ideas, you have creative ideas,

you have a schedule, shit that you're keeping track of. Yeah, I remember when I shot my special, right? On the 21st of October. I was like- This year, just shot a new one? Yep. And I'm like, all I gotta do is just fucking, you know, edit that thing,

look at it a couple of times because I know what I want. Right. And I'm like, and I'm just fucking done, man. I'm gonna have time to Christmas shop. I'm gonna fucking put my feet up, play some drums and blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what's happening.

I'm fucking more busy than ever. And it's just like all of these, I don't know. I just, I don't know- And editing is gonna take a while, bro. Yeah. I've been able to do it this time where I sat through and I watched the whole fucking thing, which is something I, you know, it's brutal.

It's you for a fucking hour and a half. It's hard. And the longer you watch it, you're like, it's not even funny anymore. Yeah, you can't tell. If people are gonna get, yeah. It's fucking brutal. It's like, oh my God, that's an old bit.

Yeah, it's like, fuck. But every time I go to do one, there's like a major, like I say, you know, you donate a kidney, just, there's always a chunk. I'm like, get that the fuck out of there and just go right to the end and then we're done. And today I figured out what it was and it went from, you know,

why I felt a little bit too long to now being like, ah, fuck, it's over already, which is that sweet spot. Oh, that's perfect. That's sweet spot. Yeah, you don't want to have. How long is it? It's about 77. So that's about an hour, 15, an hour and 16,

but I mean, it was getting way, it was getting like, when they took all the footage from both shows, it was like an hour 38 and I'm like, all right, there's no way. So we cut it down and then it was like 129 and I'm like, but I like everything, but I'm just like, I think you have to, if you like release like a concert movie,

I think it's got to be, I would think like 90 minutes, if people are gonna. Yeah, but it's just you, yeah, and it's meant to be a feature. But I just feel like Netflix, if you're going to go on there and people are going to sit down and if you're lucky enough, if you're lucky enough,

they're actually going to click on your shit. It's just like, you just got to like, you got to go ACDC on them, you know, where they don't play any ballads, you just got to fucking. Just rock right through. Yeah, unless you're like Chappelle, which Chappelle has that way

where he can just really fucking like bring it down. Like just watching him do that opening monologue on SNL, I mean, just like the level of shit that he's doing, effortlessly, not even consciously, the ups and downs, peaks and valleys and then the huge laughs and then the poignant moments and all of that. It's just like that, that was, you know,

I'd be happy if I could have done in an hour and a half, what the fuck he did in like eight minutes. That clinic that he put on, so. Yeah, he's an amazing, super talented guy, man. Always was, always was. When he was standing where someone's drinking his white Zinfandel right now, where the Boston Comedy Club is.

Hey, so what did you, were you shocked about the election results? I wasn't that shocked, I was. You finally met somebody who called it. I knew somebody had to bet Trump. I didn't bet Trump, I didn't want to bet Trump, but I did a tour, I was on tour in a lot of Southern states for a month leading up to the election

and nothing but Trump signs. All right. I mean, that's all I saw. It's kind of what she got out. I didn't see a single Hillary sign. I saw hundreds of Trump signs. And I was like, this could, this might be real. I thought it was.

You know, I was like, holy shit. I've been on tour for two, never in a million years that I think, I thought Hillary was the made person at the end of the day. I did too, until that tour. It was funny, I did a cone in the day after the election and like, you know, I got so many people like fucking yelling at me thinking like,

how the fuck would you say this about Hillary? How the fuck would you say that about Trump? Like, you can't say anything about anybody. I try to evenly trash both of them and just say, hey, it'd be nice if people stopped yelling at each other. Somehow people missed all of that. Yeah. And they, you know, I think,

especially the Hillary people, because they're so disappointed that they just needed somebody. I got so much fucking shit from people. And actually, somebody just texted me going like, hey man, I saw you on that. I go, the guy was like, it seemed like, you know, secretly you voted for Trump.

And then he wrote, secretly. I was like. So you wrote secretly again? Twice, yeah. And I was just like, yeah, like, no, I didn't vote for that guy. I didn't vote for either one of them. I couldn't stand them.

I liked Bernie. Bernie was my fucking guy. I felt like right after the election, for the first time, I felt like Bernie would have won. I was like, people really want a change of, you know, they don't know how to get it, but that's what they want. Yeah, and they kind of gave me the same old with Hillary. Yeah.

And if I was like, holy shit, if Bernie had gotten the nomination, he would probably be the president right now. People think Joe Biden could have won. I think just like, I don't, like familiarity breeze contempt. I mean, everybody's fucking filthy. There was just something about like,

I felt myself saying it like when I saw Jeb Bush and I saw Clinton, I just like, I just can't deal with another Bush or a Clinton. It's such a stupid thing to say, but I was just like, Oh, it's true. There's some truth to it because they're, I want somebody else to lie to me now. I didn't want, I didn't want this guy.

I didn't want this guy, you know, I'm not saying Bernie would have fucking sold everything, but I will say all this shit that Trump's doing is fucking hilarious where he's like, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna drain the swamp. It's like, dude, okay, let's just say you actually go in there and you somehow do this, how slow DC works.

Like you're gonna fucking drain the swamp and then what, expose all these people and then they're all gonna go to jail and like they're gonna be okay with this. Yeah, no. I'm gonna get all the illegal immigrants out of this country. You're gonna do, how are you gonna do that?

How are you gonna do that? Yeah, I'm gonna build a fucking wall from here to fucking California, Texas. Really, you're gonna do all of this. I think there already is a wall for one, isn't there? There's already a fence and a wall through a lot of it. It's like, dude, you can't stop people from coming in by blocking off 3% of the border.

It's a tiny, it's like, they're coming in any way they could come in. Well, I thought he was gonna build- That's the whole basis of the country. He wasn't gonna- So people get to come in from all over the fucking place. Well, is how I actually think about that shit. It's like, there does become the tipping point

where you got too many fucking people. Yeah. There is that. I mean, back in the day, yeah, we needed, you know, we needed all we could get because of what we were doing, which was underhanded. That's when America was great back then. We needed to take all these people.

Yeah, yeah, get out there in the front lines and then we'd stuck them out west. Hey, that's your land over there. Go over there and provoke them into an attack. Like, the whole fucking thing was shady. Yeah, from the beginning. Yeah, it's nice. And the same goes for elections.

Well, you know, it's crazy. Government, they've been corrupt and been fucked up since the beginning. I'm not gonna say the show, but I recently did a show, right? And one of the comics went up and this person went and just trashed Donald Trump. This is after the show.

After the election. Or the show. After the show. They went up after the show. After the election, right? It was like, you know, four, five days after whatever. They went out and went in hard on Trump, blah, blah, blah. He's a sex offender and all this type of stuff.

And gradually the crowd started booing. Right. Half the crowd, half the crowd fucking booze. So then the next person goes up, who is a Trump supporter, this person goes up and supports Trump and trashes Hillary. Then the other half. Of the crowd.

Started booing them. I've never seen like. So divided. Dude, it's literally like, it's like a great SEC football game where they play in like a neutral site, like when Florida plays Georgia and like it's half fucking bulldogs, half gators.

It's fucking insane. Like I've never. It really is like that. The country's so completely divided that it's a little scary. But the thing that I don't like is that now the people, you know, whatever side you're on, you're seeing the other side as your enemy.

Right? When we're not supposed to be enemies, we're all supposed to, we all live here together. Dude, that ship sailed, dude. I know, I know, but that's what I'm saying. That's what's shitty. It's totally split. Once Fox News came in and balanced out CNN

by being just as ridiculously far to the other side. I mean, those show, those networks are hilarious. Like on election night, what I would do is I would just, whoever was winning, I would watch the other network just to watch them start to sweat. Just to see what they said. No, I just, just for the comedy of it, because I knew there was nothing, nothing.

I mean, I voted for who I wanted to vote for. I knew this fucking state was gonna go with Hillary Clinton. I mean, that's a given. The oceans vote for blue and everybody else in the middle votes for red. And then it comes down to like fucking Ohio, Pennsylvania. Wisconsin.

Evidently, North Carolina, which I didn't know about that. But what I was happy was actually was up to date on all the propositions and voted red them all. Me and my wife were reading them for like days in front and like, we're just laughing around. Like, could you be sitting there like reading? There'd be like, you know, do you not want them to drill for oil

in the middle of your forehead? And then here's the argument for, and you'd be like, well, that would probably lead to your death. There is no oil in there, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it'd be like the argument gets, actually, it's the complete opposite. Drilling for oil would actually save this.

The next thing you know, maybe I should vote. Like, I didn't get anything out of those arguments. And then we were just laughing. We just eventually look at, well, who supported this? It'd be like, if it was anything environmentally, it's like Ed Bagley, Jr. All right, that guy's been riding a bike for 30 years. Okay, if he's down with this, I'm going with Ed Bagley.

He's powered his whole neighborhood by riding on a hamster wheel. You know what's funny? Do we know who, what happened with the condoms in Porno? Did that pass or no? Nice. Is that actually a thing? Yes, keep Porno, keep some jobs here and in the valley, right?

So no, they don't have to work on them in Porno. I think that that was a good thing. They do. They do, okay. Oh, this is classic Americans. We don't even know. We're going to look it up. I thought it used to be that way.

And now that they've taken it. It's where they had to wear condoms and then they were having a hard time. I think it was. You could not be further off the mic. So you got to make a quick point here. Okay. I think it didn't pass.

So they don't have to wear condoms, but they can't get permits right now. They're having a really hard time getting permits. Okay, so. Porno permits. I'm saying that maybe it passed, but they can't get permits. Oh, Jesus Christ.

We only had two things to vote on other than offices. We had to vote on whether or not we want it to allow casinos in Northern Jersey. And what'd you say? I said no, which, and it didn't, it was no as overwhelming. No, they're not going to be able to put casinos in Northern Jersey, which is, in my opinion, very good.

Right. I don't hate casinos. Chris Christie's. But I don't think they should be everywhere. Would you say Chris Christie is fat, is that what you said? No, and I coughed. He's fat enough. He doesn't mean to get in that skim bag

and go into Jersey, Mike's even more. And then the other one was like, should we designate the money from tolls and fuel tax into public transportation, which is what it was meant to be for to begin with. First question is, where is it going now? Well, anywhere else. I don't know where.

I really don't know where. But it was meant to be allocated toward that, a certain percentage of it initially. And then that got changed somewhere along the line. So we voted and changed it back. Was legalizing weed, keeping it legal or something like that. It was the condoms. It was like, should we repair?

There was one about building up schools and everything, where initially you're like, yeah, this is a good thing. And then the whole thing, the whole proposition was written by this group of people that are builders. And wait a minute, I don't like that. The contractors are writing this shit up. So what's going on with this? Wow, there's a lot of interesting shit

on the bill out here. Yeah, no, I can't remember. There was at least another 12. There was so many. And you have a vote on every one of them? Yeah, but what was great was we figured out the best we could, what it was. And God knows what is attached to all of that shit too.

You know what I mean? So I had all my answers before I went in there. So what was taking everybody like, a good 20 minutes if you're reading it for the first fucking time, I had them all. So I would just look at the page. Yes was up, no was down. I would just look at my answer sheet

and be like, up, down, down, up. And I just, I just fucking moved through it. That was great. I felt like I was cheating on a test. Well, before we get out of it, we gotta get the answer here. What's going on? It did not pass.

It did not pass. It did not pass. But they can't get their permits to make porno. Yeah, even that is complicated. Who's the conservative behind that that wants to get porno out of the valley? Did Tipper Gore move to the valley recently? Remember her?

The NPRC. Just like one guy that wrote it up and if it passed, he would have a job for the rest of his life, basically making sure there were condoms in horn. So he was. So one, wait, one guy wrote it. That does not sound real.

So like I could do that. He's the one guy who supplies the porno. But it has to get, it's gotta get through some sort of fucking legislative horseshit, right? To then get put on the ballot. So he's got money. All right, cause I was saying,

then the guy who said the rent's too damn high would have got something done. Remember that guy? Rent's too damn high. Rent is too damn high. I hate it when like he kept getting laughs and kept hanging around. And then like one of those politicians is like,

I agree with them. The rent is too darned high. I don't know how those politicians exist in that level of phony. Cartoons, yeah. Yeah, Al Gore was one of the worst I saw. And that was the thing I think about Trump that was amazing was watching him just be himself,

which a lot of people don't like who he was, but he was being a person. A lot of people don't think a good person, but like he- No, he's candid. You can't, you can't accuse him of not being- Dude, it was like they were sitting at the table, but it was politicians and he was the guy running the table

and no one could get him. I couldn't fuck him, they could not figure out. They're like, this guy doesn't care about anything. How do we pin him down? And he didn't give a shit about who. He changed what he says from one minute to the next. He didn't care about the rules. And he doesn't care.

He'd be like, oh, oh, she's allowed to talk and I can. Oh, great, three against one. Three against, I love him, look at that. Three against one. When he said that it was, it was fucking, because- It's ridiculous. But it was brilliant, like what he did. I mean, I'm not happy that it's certainly these fucking guys

that he's putting together. I joked to my last podcast, you know, when he was talking about he's gonna have change and everything and I was just going, he's just doing the exact opposite. Yeah, it's like Fuller House. You just bring it back to this old show. I'll say it was like the expendable version

of the expendables of Republicans. It's just- Dude, it's the whole thing to him was just a game, it seems. If you see him interviewed now, it's just like he's basically like, oh, I won. And that was it, it doesn't matter how. I just won.

You don't have to wait about this. And they're like, but you're doing all the stuff that you said you weren't gonna do. And he's like, well, who else is gonna do it? Basically, it's like Mark's brother's shit. Like, you can't just say who else is gonna do it. That's not an answer. But it is.

But he doesn't give a shit. He's like, that's as good an answer as you're getting. So fuck you. But the thing about the media is they had no follow up. Cause they never dealt with a guy like this who would just admit to, you know- Yeah, well, their typical follow up doesn't work because they call him out on it and he just says,

yeah, whatever, who cares? And it says something else. Well, the back in the day when somebody would call, when they would call a politician out, they'd try to get out of it and they would stammer and then they would just keep, you know, hitting them with it until just the whole embarrassment of the situation, the person would drop out.

He just would admit to it and they had nothing. Yeah. And they're like, well- When they said, oh, this is supposed to be bad. I keep using this as an example. They were like, you know, you've said this about women. You've said that about women. You said this about women.

He goes, nah, nah, nah. He goes, I said that about Rosie O'Donnell. And it got a huge laugh. And then the female reporter goes like, no, you've said that about other women too. And he just goes, yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, but then it's over. And it was over.

Yeah, he made a joke. And she couldn't even, like, or anybody on that panel couldn't have been like, you're probably right. So you're saying you are sexist. Is that what you're saying? Do you think that, like, and I still think because of what the fuck he represented,

he could have just been like, yes, I am sexist. Yeah, clearly. I can't believe you're not sitting here making me a pie or something. They get out of here and let the men handle it. Clearly people were not put off by that. I don't know. But it's so hard to tell what's true and what isn't.

Anything you read about Hillary in the last three months or five months or whatever, could have been taken out of context. Absolutely. And put in a way to show her in a certain light. It's the same with Trump. It gets to be silly to assume that one side's doing it and one side the other is not.

No, they all are. You don't amaze me. It gets very difficult to tell what the fuck is real and what isn't, you know? You know what's fucked up? People get their news from fucking Twitter. Guilty. Guilty charges.

Me too, me too, man. Facebook. All of that. I, you know what killed me? I'm real Ben Bailey on Twitter, by the way. Real Ben Bailey. The real Ben Bailey. B-A-I-L-E-Y dot com.

The real Ben Bailey dot com. I was actually amazed at the election night when they had the pictures of each candidate and it was finally one that the other side hadn't picked and I was just like, oh, look at Hillary. She looks like a nice person. Look at Donald. He looks like a cool guy.

Yeah, they look okay. Because Donald was always like, you know, with the scowl and he had like the thing, like that Rudy Giuliani picture that the left is using where he looks like he's roaring. He just came up from the flames of hell. That thing is fucking, you can do that to anybody. Especially when you, yeah, totally.

Yeah, when you're that old, you know, it's such an effort just to speak. Your face is going to contort. And they just have to do, take a couple of pictures. You're going to look like Satan. And then Hillary always just had that crazy fucking smile and the bobblehead thing going. And really unflattering light.

Like she looked like, you know. Oh dude, they did everything. They did everything they possibly could to both of them. Like Trump, like his eyebrows by the end of the election were like beneath his eyes. It's like a whole thing's a joke. The fact that he actually has one points out a point that he made repeatedly through the campaign,

which is that the whole system is fucked. It doesn't work, really. But I will tell you, all those people that think that he's somehow going to get them out of their fucking hole is that's- It's ridiculous. No, you know, it's, they don't give it. It's on you.

It's on you. And they try to act like these people are going to save your fucking ass. They're not. No. They can't. No. And that's the uplifting message of this podcast.

It could be worse, dude. There's like a billion people, literally a billion people in China that live in abject poverty. Oh, totally. And are brainwashed into thinking that that's, you know, that's their place. I don't know.

It's a- A billion people. I know. It's like, what the fuck? How would you even begin to try to- Have you seen, this is the thing- Tackle up an issue like that. Have you seen-

There's no way to do it. It's just, that's how it is. Have you seen those cities like, they have a few cities over there that have so many fucking people, like it literally looks like there's a fire, but it's just the polluted air. It's just the air, yeah.

It's just the air. So like when they were having the Olympics over there, at some point when they were gonna shoot something, you know, film it for the world to see, they told everybody to like not drive or use any machinery or anything. God knows what would happen to you if you did. Oh, good.

But like, I don't know, 24 hours or three days or some shit. Before you. And they just let all of that shit in the air just settle down onto the ground. Cause that's what it is. Yeah, cause it's all like, even like out here, like a lot of times people think that the haze is smog,

but like haze, smog is brown, but haze is that clear thing. And that haze is all the dust and all the shit that we're kicking up and driving around. Yeah. So everybody, I think basically, what's that new thing the kids are doing? You act like a mannequin or some shit.

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, they made like a billion people or a half a billion people fucking do that. Do that for a week. And then people just like, it's a great place to have people go swimming. You guys just have to hold still until we're done with the 100 meter backs fork.

Well, before we get out of here, dude. Oh yeah, there's a couple more things on there that I shouldn't mention. Any more movies or something? Like, do you know like the next one that you're gonna do as far as the short film? I don't. I think I might do another episode of BWAM.

I like it. Cause I like it a lot. And it was really fun. And like the idea was that another comic or actor friend of mine will be the villain. Probably another comedian. And so we'll just keep doing those. I can definitely see that being a series.

A web series. A webisode. It was initially just gonna be a web series. But then I made the first one and I was like, I don't know if I wanna put all that into this every single time, just on my own. I might rather try some other stuff and see what people like, you know.

Get some feedback once the stuff is out there. There you go. And then that leads to something. The next thing you know, you got something on fucking Amazon or Netflix. Yeah. Right?

You're walking down a red carpet. People yelling, Ben, what are you wearing? What are you wearing? Oh my God. I don't know. And then they go back. Then they go back through all years. And a recently unearthed gem, meet me at Raze.

Meet me at Raze. Now you sad? I also have, yeah, for 12 years. Now it's a period film. Well, I actually was anyway. I wanna see it because I wanna see like, because I'm one of those guys that I love seeing New York. Oh, you love it.

In any era that it isn't now. Like I love seeing it in the 90s now. I love seeing it in the 80s. I love 70s of this shit. And then the 60s and 50s when it goes back is. Yeah, those are great. I love those. Yeah, like I watch old fucking movies for that reason.

Like sometimes I'll watch an old movie and I'll see a guy driving down sunset and you just see how spread out the buildings are. Yeah, yeah. And I'll, I mean, the shooting so you don't know about the traffic. But it's just like some of that stuff where it was just, you could just so see the hills and stuff.

And it's like, yeah, that back then that's what they had. Like you wanna go shoot a mountain lion and you like walked out your backyard. It's ready. It's just right down the road. Yeah, in LA. So anyways. Dude, I should say, before we go, sorry.

I also have two podcasts shows that are gonna be on this, on the new website. Oh, cool. One of them is a storytelling show. Beautiful. I remember DC, Benny and I used to do that show Urban Myth. Yeah, what venue did you do? That was at, I almost got to this earlier

when we were talking about Zinc Bar. Because that was the original Zinc Bar was on Houston Street. Yes, downstairs. And that's where we would do Urban Myth every Tuesday. The new podcast I have is called Tall But True. It's a storytelling show. It's pretty much Urban Myth.

Oh, cool. As a podcast. So it's like the two of us tell a story and then a guest tells a story. So love to have you do that. Yeah, man. So time to call into that if you want. And then another one.

And that'll all be on therealbenbailey.com. Yeah. And then one where my girl and I, it's called Speaking of Movies. We watch a movie and then we just talk about the movie. Afterward, which we love, which we did anyway. And then one day we're like, we always have these great conversations

after we watch a movie. Let's just start recording them. Can you recommend a movie you've seen lately that you liked? Dude, I watched, you've probably seen it. I'm way behind, but I just watched Batman versus Superman. I liked it. I've loved it, man. You've already seen it.

Yeah, I thought it was great. I liked it. I said that yesterday at Benson's podcast, Doug loves movies and everybody was like, what? They were like, they thought it was terrible. I thought it was awesome. I liked the, if we're not gonna take a look around here. Sorry about that.

I liked the way they had our, like the government getting involved going, we can't just have this guy acting unilaterally and whatever the fuck that means. You know, just basically helping out all the fucking ones and people claiming him and all that. They have to be held accountable, the superheroes, yeah. That actually seemed like some shit that they would do

and then demonize them and all that. Like I always forget movies, the second I saw them, but that thing stuck out with me. I really liked that. I thought it was great, man. And it's, you know, have you ever seen Watchmen? Remember that one? That's the same director, Zack Snyder,

I think his name is. He made the Watchmen, which is like, super dark superhero movie based on this graphic novel, which is awesome. You should check it out. You'd love it. There's a character in there called The Comedian. Oh, cool.

He's a superhero called The Comedian. He's like super dark. The only thing I don't like about Superman movies is it always comes down to the kryptonite. It's always, it's never, he never bangs the wrong girl. You just know, okay, when's the green chain getting wrapped around his neck?

Yeah, when's it gonna happen? Yeah. It's the only thing that can do it. The only thing, he's too powerful. That's the thing, it almost gets a little boring. Well, well, Ben, we finally got you on the podcast. I finally got to play jam with you, man. It was fucking awesome and continued success.

Check out all things Ben Bailey at therealbenbailey.com. You can also get there by going to threebtv.net. That's threebabytv.com. Fee isn't baby, I should say. Dot net. Dot net, sorry. Unfortunately, it's dot net. Dot net.

Dot com is like some kids who have a site with funny videos that suck. I shouldn't say that. That's me. I know what you're saying. They're okay, but it's not mine. It's the wrongs. You went for the joke there.

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Simplysafeburr.com. All right, that's it. Now I got, once again, I gotta hit the home button. I gotta do the whole password fucking thing and then. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It is the Monday morning podcast and it's late in the day and I finally got to it.

And this is my fourth attempt at trying to do a good one. Get a good one. Remember that line? What movie's that from? Fast Times of Richmond High. Mr. Hand, you remember him? You know the guy who played that? He was in my favorite Martian.

And he took that gig back in the early 60s and for like 30 fucking years. Every time somebody ran up to him, they said, hey, it's that fucking Martian guy. And he hated life and he hated that fucking show and then he did that show, Movie Fast Times of Richmond High. And one day the clouds parted

and some young kid came walking up to him and said, hey, Mr. Hand. And evidently he was really excited. Isn't that a nice show business story? I don't know what the fuck that has to do with my podcast or this fucking bus that is in front of me that is not moving. Go, you're a bus, there you go.

Merge, you cunt. Anyways, if you're new to my page or my website, I do one of these every single week and people send me questions and I try to answer them for the best of my ability. I try not to say cunt during the podcast, but occasionally it flips out when there's a bus driving two miles an hour.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I can't say words lately. I was working at Zanies in Nashville and I kept stumbling over words and then I started thinking, why I keep stumbling over these words? And then I almost started stuttering on stage. And speaking of which, if you came out to see me

at Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee, I just want to say thank you very much. And even though I just said thank you very much, you might have sensed a little bit of anger underneath that. And it has nothing to do with you guys. It has to do with the fact that there aren't enough hours in the day today. And I'm fucking frustrated.

And I basically only have about 10, 15 minutes to do this podcast. And usually I go on for about 45 minutes, but today or whatever, half hours, this is going to be like an ET. Kind of like Guns N' Roses, that Lies album, except I'm not going to drop the N-word, you know? So slash, if you're listening to this,

if you're one of the 14 people who listens to my podcast, you're not going to feel awkward or have to explain yourself. I don't fucking know people. You know what? I got nothing. I got nothing this week. I got nothing funny to say. I am fucking burnt out.

I just did back to back weeks on the road, plus at college. You want to hear my week? I was in Washington, DC. Then I was in LA. And then I went to Colorado. Then I flew to Indianapolis, did the Bob and Tom show. And I had a night off the night before.

And because my brain never shuts off, I'm like, well, why the fuck would I just chill out in Indianapolis when I can drive four fucking hours up to Detroit and go to a Red Wings game? And that's what I did. Except I thought it was only a two-hour drive. And it turned out it was a fucking four-hour drive, four and a half, actually.

And I went up there. It was Red Wings Penguins, which turned out to be one of the games of the year. But I had to leave before the third period ended. And I missed the Penguins come back and win in overtime. But I still got to go to that arena. And I couldn't believe how small it was. You know, there was no upper deck.

It just kind of went straight up. You know, it was kind of an, I don't know, an old school building in like a 1975 kind of way. But it was really cool. And the fans were awesome. And, you know, I don't like going on that expansion shit. And I don't like fair weather fans. And that Detroit's got good fans.

And there were a lot of Pittsburgh Penguins fans there talking a lot of shit, even when they were down four, two up to two periods. And I missed them all talking shit when they came back and won seven, six in fucking overtime. And where was I driving by fucking cornfield in the middle of Indiana, Bob Van? So my brain right now is frazzled.

And, you know, you might wonder what the fuck is wrong with Bill. And, you know, I don't have any answers. I'm driving a hybrid. I just drank three quarters of a Sam Adams beer, one of their seasonal brews. And I am on my way to a writers meeting because I have to go write some sketches for something

that I'm shooting. And I'm exhausted. This is one of these times when I just want to sleep for fucking nine, 10 hours and wake up the next day and just stare at the fucking wall. But I can't because I have to do this. I have to somehow put my voice into a sketch, which is not an easy thing to do.

I find it's very hard for me to write sketches because I write very set up punch, set up punch. It's not a lot of layers. It's not a lot of left turns. You know, it's just like my act. There's a lot of screaming and the effort. So I have to figure out how to do that. And we're at a red light, so I think it's time

for a podcast question. Look at this. This is just like the cash cap. OK, Bill, question number one. Have you ever been asked to write material for another comedian? First of all, look at this fucking guy riding down the street with a bicycle.

I hate when the people do that. They put a reflector on their back, and then all of a sudden, they just, they feel like they're like, they're sort of like a motorcycle on some level. They start riding with traffic like they're Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver. You know, nothing makes me want to lean over and open my passenger door and commit vehicular manslaughter

like some fucking, turn your lights on. Somebody did another lights up, like that. Dude, you know what, I don't know. What the fuck was I talking about? What was the question? Have I ever been asked to write material for another comedian? Yes, yes, I have.

I have written for, I wrote for one roast, the Shaquille O'Neal roast. And I got to admit, you know, at first I started writing the jokes, and I was like, I don't want to write jokes for another comedian. I want to write them for me, and I want to be able to say them. So I get to laugh. But then I realized what's cool about a roast

is you're not writing for a comedian's act, whether they're going to go on HBO and kill with some joke and get credit for it. It's a very specific thing. It's not like I have a chunk of material about Shaquille O'Neal. So what do I care? And I wrote it, and evidently, it went really well. People in the writer's room, I guess, liked it.

And I got a real kick out of it, and I got one joke on the air. And I believe the joke was something about watching Shaquille O'Neal play basketball was like watching a retard fuck. Something along those lines, something along those lines of that he was just such a big dude. You know, he's such a big fucking dude that even when he dunks the ball, it doesn't look good.

He looks like a fat kid dunking a ball in like a Nerf hoop set. And that was basically it. And I went the cheap route. I use retard as a reference. I'm not proud of it, but it got on the air. All right, here's another one. Do you agree that the reason many TV shows are abruptly canceled? The reason many TV shows are abruptly canceled

is due to the media's attempt to control what we watch, such as reality TV. OK. The media's attempt is if the entire media is working together. If you're into conspiracy theory, I would work a little higher up the ladder and try to see who owns media in this country. And you'd be surprised.

It's not that many people. So I don't know. I don't think reality TV is an attempt for them to control what we watch. I just think it's really cheap. And it's something mesmerizing about watching 10 losers in a house talk shit about each other. As much as I make fun of it, did that guy just fucking bump

into me with the fuck is wrong with you? You fucking idiot? That guy just fucking rear-ended me. Hang on a second. Did you fucking do this? No fucking way he just did that. I swear to God, I think some guy just literally tapped my bumper. Hang on a second.

You know, this would be great if we get to a fucking red light, because I know we didn't hit it hard enough. Hold on, hold on a second. Did you bump into me? Hang on a second. Did you just bump into me? You didn't? OK.

I don't know if it was my car or not. I was wondering why you had such a nonchalant look on your face. I'm like, so you didn't? All right, all right, let's make it sure. All right, all right. Sorry about that. OK, all right, all right, man.

OK, so anyways, evidently, you didn't bump into me. I think my car just had like a hiccup, but it literally felt like somebody just tapped my bumper. And I looked in the rear view mirror, and this guy was right on my fucking ass. You guys almost heard an LA moment. What if I fought him? I wonder if I have enough speakerphone.

Dude, then they could have used my podcast in court. Then I finally would have got past like 15 fucking listeners. God damn it. That was a moment right there. That was a moment that almost happened. What a stupid question. Did you just bump into me? No, I didn't.

Oh, OK. Jesus, can you believe I'm not a private investigator with that sort of fucking police work? All right, so anyways. I got to wrap this podcast up, because I'm at where the fuck I'm at. So this goddamn writer's thing that I'm doing. But you got to admit, you know, it

was pretty exciting there for a second. All right, let's start up low through some of these more, some more of these questions. Oh, before I get off the phone, thanks to everybody who came out to see me at Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee. I had an awesome time. And literally, tons more people showed up since the last time, which really made me feel good that people actually saw

my special. They liked it, and it made them want to come out. And I'm really psyched about that. And I know I've been telling you guys I'm putting the dates up for 2009. They're definitely getting up this week. I talked to my booker, and they're supposed to be emailing me something.

So I'll get the dates up, up on my website, up on my MySpace page. Please come out to see me. And you'll watch me put together my next special, that hopefully I will tape this summer, coming summer. So anyways, here's a long question about corporate America. Hey, Bill, let me tell you why I effing hate corporate America, especially Verizon, exclamation point.

They sold me a Blackberry that recently, for the fifth time, the keyboard wouldn't work. Couldn't make or answer calls, and couldn't do anything. Each time it would happen, I'd go to Verizon. They would fix it for me. But the last time, a few weeks ago, a buddy of mine in the Army was called the day before he shipped off to Iraq.

And I was unable to answer the call. Jesus, that sounds like a lifetime movie. I can't answer the phone. I need to say goodbye. So I went to Verizon furiously, as you should have, demanding an explanation on why they sold me such a shitty phone. They told me that they could do, was replace it with the same model phone in which my response was,

all you'd be doing is giving me a shinier piece of shit. God bless you. God bless you. That's exactly what you should have said. And then you should have taken the phone and buried it inside of his head, and blamed him for that design, as if he designed it. All right, leading me, and this basically led him to sign up

with AT&T, and now Verizon wants to charge me with $125 early termination fee. I've been arguing my case with them on the phone, trying to explain to them that if I still had Verizon, I wouldn't be able to make this phone call. They kept telling me that they understand why I'm upset, in which my response was great. So if you understand why you still ask for my money,

and basically, there is no way that I'm going to buckle and give it in to them. Good. Good for you. I keep calling them, disputing them. I'll keep calling them, disputing them for two years if I have to. To me, it's a matter of principle,

because what pisses me off is how these corporations are allowed to conduct business. You know, I don't even need to read the rest. It's exactly, exactly, that they're bigger than you, and they have more money than you, and they can wait you out, and then they can send you shit to a collection agency, because you're the little guy. And they know that you're not going to do that.

This is what you want to do. You want to, you got to do that old school thing, just go, I want to speak to a manager, and you keep going up the ladder, asking to speak to somebody above them, get everybody's name, keep using words like ridiculous and outrageous, like, this is ridiculous, this is outrageous, and just do it the way

like an old lady would, and just don't get off the phone, don't ever curse. If you never curse, then they can't hang up on you. I'm full of shit, I don't know what to do. You know what, go burn down their fucking building or something, but I'm sorry, man, I really didn't answer that question well, but I got to go in and do this meeting, so whatever.

Thanks for listening to the Monday Morning Podcast. I know this was really short, but hey, we had a nice yelling match with a potential yelling match with another person in the car, which turned out to be friendly. How bad did you guys want that to escalate into violence? You know you did, and you could have heard me get my ass kicked.

I think I just rolled down the window like I've ever taken a karate class. It was fucking ridiculous, but fortunately, shit didn't go down that way. So anyways, it was very short, very exciting, TJ Hooker episode of the Monday Morning Podcast. Keep listening, please keep sending the questions and that is it, God bless all of you.

Please come and see me at Carolines in New York City the first week in December and that is it. And I apologize to the guy who I thought hit my car, but really didn't if he's a podcast listener. All right, dude, that's it. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, take it easy, bye. All right, take it easy, bye.

All right, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye. All right, guys, take it easy, bye.

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