Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-17-16
00:00It's going on, it's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before FridayMonday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.This is not an official podcast, this is where I just check in on you on a Thursday.See how your fucking work week is going?And most times, you know the deal, I do it by myself, I lay around, I shoot the shit,I say things, people hear things, they think that it's about them, and who is or isn'tin the White House, who the fuck knows.But every once in a while, I bring on a guest.
00:28And when I do, I don't just bring on any guests, I bring on some of the most talented peopleout there and some of my great friends, and today, this is no different.I have the great Ben Bailey from Cash Cab.He's got a new special, he's got a bunch of short films, he's got a new website, he'sgot a bunch of shit he wants to talk about.Ben Bailey.What's up man?How the fuck are you?
00:48I'm good dude.Good to see you.Yeah, you too, bro.Now, when was the last time I saw you?It was in last November, wasn't it?Uh, might have been.In where world?I feel like I've seen you once since then.
00:57We had to have some sort of festival.Yeah, yeah, maybe out here, but you're talking about...Walking by to some social media tent.You're talking about Madison Square Garden, no?Was that last November?Was that a year ago already?Yeah, it was.It was the, uh, no longer Toyota Comedy Festival.
01:12Oh, really?Is it done?Or is it just...Isn't it just the New York Comedy Festival?Oh yeah, it's just New York now, yeah.Do you remember how many years when we were in New York?I came to New York in like 95, I believe, and I...Yeah, that's just a couple years after me.
01:24I started out here and then went back there.Oh, okay, and we did like, what we did, like maybe four or five thousand shows together?Yeah, something like that.I literally sat down one time, and this is 15 years ago now, or maybe like 12 somewherein there, and I tried to sort of have, you know, add up some idea of how many stand-upshows I had done.What did you think?I came up with 10,000, and that was, you know, at least 10 years ago, probably more.
01:51And you count as shows every time you go on.Yeah, yeah, just any set I did anywhere.That's fair, because any time you go up, God knows what the fucking happened, right?Yeah, yeah, it doesn't matter if it's four or five minutes.Yeah, somebody can still, there's plenty of time to have something thrown at you.Yeah, something awful happened.You know, something, I remember, I kept counting until about like 26, into 30 maybe, and thenI just lost it.
02:11But I remember there was a guy...Oh really, you would keep a track of how many you had done?Yeah, I probably did too.I don't even remember, but I probably did too.I was always jealous of people that did that, because I'm sort of like, I like, I hate statsand like, trying to figure out where people are socially, but I love them in sports, becausethey're like, they're kind of fact as far as like, how many homeruns you hit, you know.That's like a ladder too, it gives you something to go up against.
02:34Yeah, but I don't buy a little bullshit, like, you know, they're overnight when it's rainingout and blah, blah, blah, blah, when you get to that shit, like I'm more into the,how many yards did this guy throw for, how many did he run, or whatever, stuff like that.Right, not in specific situations.They do break it down a little too far, you're like, what the fuck?It's the reason, because we have like 19 maybe, 24 hour sports networks, plus internet, plusshitheads like me and all that, the whole thing, it's just way too much information.And what I was trying to get to was, do you remember when the Toyota Comedy Festival first
03:05came around?Yeah.It was the funniest shit ever, it was just this, they would say that it was the festival.It was like nobody I ever met that was connected with it, they would just hang a banner.It was just a banner at the regular clubs, right?Yeah, and it was all the same regular performers, there was no industry, and it was just, youremember Estie would leave on, this weekend we have the Toyota Comedy Festival, and wehave Ben Bailey, Bill Burr, Godfrey, it was all the same fucking people, except it was
03:29a banner.It took us like, we were all so excited, because we had nothing going on in our careers, wewere like, oh, I'm part of the festival, and it took about three years before somebodyfinally just said, yeah, what is this shit beyond like a...This is not a festival, this is a regular Wednesday.Right, and somehow though, that morphed into an actual festival into the New York ComedyFestival, right?Yeah, which is, I think, there's a lot of festivals out there, but like New York City, you got
03:56to have a big comedy festival.You got it, yeah, I think so.I think it's great, I was actually, I haven't been a part of it really, but I'm supposedto be next year.You laid the groundwork for the first nine years, when it was just the banner.Yeah, for the first nine years, that's right.I was a part of it for the first nine, and then they started booking people, and I missedthe cut, or some shit, I don't know.
04:16You and me both.How about the New York Underground Comedy Festival?I don't think I was a part of that.I'm sure I submitted a VHS tape to it.The joke was that it was so underground that literally no one knew about it.Was it down at like surf reality, in like the village?It was the same thing, it was like a banner at a couple of clubs, you know, and some guyhad a bunch of money, it was like, I'm going to have a festival, you know.
04:40That's a great way.But they flew people in from LA and stuff, and these guys would come in, they're like,you know, we're here for the festival, and we're all like, what are you talking about?I'm sure we greeted them warmly.You're like, go home, you fucking assholes.Well, the last time, I guess sort of meandering my way towards was that tour of Comedy Festival,then morphed into the New York Comedy Festival, and that's what that MSG gig was last year,and as I mentioned, as I mentioned to you guys, you know, obviously that was a nerve-wracking
05:07gig, and I just, you know, I can't remember how the fuck came about, probably from doingthe Goddamn Comedy Jam or whatever, I was like, I asked my agent, I was like, hey wait,we paid to rent that thing all day, right?Considering 90% of the money is going to go right back to renting that giant fucking place,I go, yeah, I said, can I rent a drum kit, first, I was just going to rent a drum kitand just jam with my music by myself, typical comedian, totally isolated, but because ofJosh Adam Miders and the Goddamn Comedy Jams, people, they're like, we're going to be intown, so I rented all this gear, and there was this running thing with me and Ben for
05:43about eight years, we were trying to get together, Ben Ben music, you play drums, I play guitar,we're going to get together, and every fucking time he'd come out here to LA, and it's likehe's running around, he's got meetings, he couldn't fucking make it, and then I get toNew York, and you're out in Jersey, and that's just, when you don't have a fucking car, it'slike, oh my God, I'm going to get on the path train, I can't get anybody to come out, GypsyCab, so finally, like, we're just like, I'd come to town, and we were going to jam, andthen that's when we finally solidified it, and I was going to drive out to your place,so you were all excited because you made it right in New Studio.
06:21Yeah, yeah, I have a studio that I built and everything, and I'm like, oh, we're finallygoing to play in it.And he's all amped up, telling me how great his fucking studio is, and I was like, I don'tknow, man, I think I got a better place.Yeah, you're like, I got a better place, I'm like, I'm on the other end like, you motherfucker.Yeah, what the fuck?And I just said, I didn't give you the address, I think I told you it was MSG.I said, I finally, I wrote back where, like, I was like, it must be someplace good.
06:42Yeah.Like, he's not just slamming my home studio that I built without having seen it, he musthave some good fucking venue, and then text pops up MSG, I'm like, Mono Sodium CluedMe?Yeah.Can't be fucking Madison Square Garden, man, that's ridiculous.I knew when I said I have a better place, your next text was going to come back in allcapitals, because Ben doesn't take any shit from anybody, and he's actually big enough
07:04to beat the fuck out of me and about 20 other people.So he's, what the fuck?I totally insulted his studio.Fuck.What do you mean a better place?Yeah, so he ended up coming down, and as I mentioned before, is that my phone?Jesus Christ, Bill, can you be a fucking professional for once in your life?Jesus Christ.
07:23It just makes it real.It makes it real.To the listeners.It makes people feel like they're actually in the studio witnessing how unprofessionalthis is.You know, when you see them, like, jumped up and looked around.I know, because I do have this.When the phone rings, they're like, oh, oh no.
07:36That's the standard one.Like, if you're ever hiding in the closet, and there's a serial killer walking around,there's a chance when your phone rings, he won't know it's you.He'll think it's him.He'll think it's his phone.For a second, and maybe you can run out when he goes to look at it.You fucking smother him with your PJs.Oh, it's a great scene in a film right there.
07:56Oh, there you go.The killer checks his own phone.He's like, goddammit.Yeah.Could you once in your life be professional?Well, speaking of playing music is, I have, like, the hearing damage that I have, whichis inevitable if you play or you do this fucking radio.The hearing damage that I have is, I actually got my hearing checked, like, I still can
08:13hear everything.But I have a little bit of displacement as to where it is, like, it'll be to the right,and I start going to the left.Yeah, my wife just laughs at me.Oh, that's interesting, man.Yeah, as long as it stays at this level.I didn't know that.You think it's from doing stand-up and, like, playing music and having these things?
08:28Yeah, having headphones on all the time.I know Opie from Opie and Anthony says, my ears are shut, because what happens is, asyour ears get tired, you know, you keep turning up and turning up.It's all about the duration.Oh, right.Yeah, yeah.Those guys do, like, four hours a day, and I try to be conscious of it, but, like, I fuckedmy ears up in the 80s, one of my ears.
08:45I got that tinnitus, you know, just rings at a real low level, or if I'm really hungover it, but I mean, I don't have, like, to the Pete Townsend level, but so anyways, gettingback to it.I know that was all crazy, right?But not from the music, from race car driving.It's just, like, what?Oh, is that what it's from?Yeah, that's what they said.
09:05It wasn't, you know, he's been in AC DC all these years, like, the loudest fucking band,but no, that's not why his ears are damaged.It's from driving race cars.One of my first times, I really fucked my ears up, is I saw them on the Heat Secrettour.Oh, no way.I saw them at the Boston Garden.Nice.
09:23I think Cinderella opened.No, no, I saw them down in Providence.It was a different tour.I saw them a bunch of times.Who made who?Heatseeker.There were not whole periods.I used to go see him, and I didn't have earplugs, and as loud as that was, the fucking dude
09:36driving home, he had the fucking thing turned all the way up to fucking 10.I remember just, like, sitting in the back, just taking it rather than asking him, hey,can you turn that down?Yeah, dude, you're making all of us laugh.No, I had, like, that German-Irish just, like, yeah, don't complain.Don't complain.Suffer in silence.Yes, it'll be over soon.
09:53I love that when you're in the back of a car and the guy's driving like a fucking maniac,and I'm like being polite.Yeah.I'm like, I don't want to offend him by asking him to slow down or whatever.I'd rather just risk my own death.Hey, not trying to be that guy.Be rude.Not trying to be that guy, but I'd like to live.
10:09Yeah, I'd like to survive this ride.Yeah, I don't want to be in a halo at the end of this.But anyway, so we finally ended up getting to play at Madison Square Garden, which Ithink it was worth the fucking wait.It was worth the wait, too.That was our Chinese democracy.Dude, I got to tell you, man.I wouldn't change a thing.
10:23You fucking can play.Oh, okay.You can really play, man.I was really like, your tone is crazy, and I got to show that to a bunch of people whenI got to do the Tonight Show.Yeah.I showed it to Quest and Fallon and stuff.I think I showed it to them, and they were just like, wow, man, you should have given
10:39us Jimmy's all.You should have given us the video.We would have played it.I was just like, all right, dude, it's not that good.It's not quite on that level.I'd like to just.That was so fun, dude.It really was.
10:48It really wasn't.Josh was going off.It was a real day.Yeah, and I had so many people play, too, like my agent went out and played.He almost didn't go.I had to twist his arm.Yeah, yeah.Berkowitz.
11:00Go up there.I helped you drag him up there.I was like, come on, dude.Little wing or something.Michael O'Brien.He fucking ran up.He ran.I was like, hey, Mike, you want it?
11:08He just ran right up.He was great, too, man.That was a fucking great day, dude, and your show was awesome, and I didn't know anythingabout F is for Family before that night, so you guys played the preview of it.That was the first time we showed the premiere.I was like, holy shit, man.This is going to be awesome.I didn't even know.
11:24Yeah.It's great.Well, we've got another 10 episodes of that coming out, but we're here to promote yourstuff.Let's start with your website, therealbenbailey.com.That's your relaunching, your website, or you just.I'm relaunching it.It's been kind of just very basic for a long time, and I was like, you know what?
11:43It's time to just start making my own stuff and putting it out directly to people becausethere's no reason to go and try and sell.There's two short films on there that I made that I really love.What's the one with Judah Freelander that you made a while ago?I'm dying to see that.Dude, it's funny.It's called Meet Me at Raise, and we made it way back in 2002 or something, 2003, andthen we both got crazy busy after that, and it just sat there.
12:10I just looked at it.I'm like, I got to put this thing out.It's just about two idiots meeting up for pizza at Raise Pizza in New York, but there'sa lot of raised pizzas.Dude, you got a little busy at 14 years later.That's funny.14 years later, I'm like, all right, let's put this thing out.What happened during those 14 years?
12:29He started doing all the movies.You did the Cash Cab thing.That was so cool watching you guys blowing up.I felt like our generation had an even thing.Nobody knew who we were, and then all of a sudden, everybody started just got some inroads.I don't know what happened.Yeah, it felt like we were all going nowhere.I mean, Judah and I used to sit in his minivan at the end of the nights of stand-up in New
12:52York.He'd just be like, man, this is brutal.We've got nothing.Yeah.We've got nothing going on.Dude, I remember being in New York.And then boom.And I had moved back from LA the first time I was out here, and I lost my booking agent.
13:07I had no manager, I had no agent, and I was incorporated as a business, and it just costme too much money.I got unincorporated.All right, instead of paying to be incorporated.Yeah, because I wasn't making any money, and I went all the way back to square one, andI was living in that walkthrough bedroom apartment with the guy who was on the lease, and itwas me and Bobby Kelly.We had a lot of fun, but there was definitely nights.
13:31It was probably good that I was living with Bobby because we'd laugh until the late night,and then I, man, take it easy.But if I had to go home and just be with my own thoughts, that happened after he movedout, and then I moved out.And then there was that period about 2000 to 2004 where, yeah, there was a lot of daysjust waking up going like, what am I doing?What the fuck?I mean, dude, I had, I mean, from 2000 to 2004, I think somewhere in there, I did get
13:57a half hour, but there was like a thousand.I remember.I think I came to your half hour.The Comedy Central one?Yeah.I think so.Yeah, there was like a good three-year period there.It's more midtown, yeah.
14:07And I was like, okay, 33 years old, 34 years old, 35, and you're like, fuck.This was not the plan.I thought it was okay.Yeah.Yeah, it was, yeah, and then the whole alt scene was coming up, and that whole thingblew up, and then we were just the fucking outcast.Totally.That was rough, man.
14:26When the alternative comedy club scene developed and then just became this big thing.You couldn't drag an industry person.Plus, we're just like, yeah, we're just in the mainstream clubs, like, oops, no ideaeverything was going to move to those places.Yeah.Oh, man, those were rough ones, you know?But we used to have...Everything changed, yeah.
14:48So you made that thing like 15 years ago, what's this other movie that you have comingout?Because I know you're going into this screening here, which is really cool.This one's called Blam, Badly Written Action Man.Yeah, yeah.It's just, you know, action movies, the action starts.They are badly written in a manner of speaking.Oh, I think it's got a lot of quality in those movies.
15:06But they're like one-liners are at least kind of clever, witty, even if they're over thetop.Let off some steam.Yeah, totally.So I was like, I just thought of this character one day.I can't remember what I was doing or where, but I just like it.Be funny, if so much of those movies now are built around those lines, if when you finallyget to one of those lines, it's just awful.
15:30Just no payoff?Just no payoff at all, you know, which is like an anti-payoff, really.So it's kind of a crazy concept, but it just sort of fell together like.And how long are these movies?They're both about 10 minutes.And this is like the type of stuff you're going to start putting on the realbenbailey.com?Yeah, yeah.Yeah, I think that's a smart idea because those shorts end up, they end up turning into something.
15:52They turn into movies.And that's one thing I've learned about this business is it's just like, when you makethat decision, like if this feels right, I'm going to do this.How many people, they do it one, two times, and when Spielberg or Oprah doesn't want tointerview you or some shit, you're like, well, that sucks.Fuck this business.Yeah, I tried.You just got to keep going because then when one of them hits, then they go back to your
16:11whole library.Yeah, yeah.And you got all of that stuff and they'll, something will turn into it, but.I hope you're right about that, dude.Hey, how long are you going to?I put a lot into them.Boyam is about 10 minutes and it's badly written action, man, which was originally a badlywritten action star.
16:28And then Lenny Marcus and I were working on writing, throwing around ideas about it.And he was abbreviating it when he wrote back to BWAS, Blas or whatever.And that made me go like, oh, maybe, maybe there's something in the acronym.And then I was like, oh, if I make it badly written action man, then that's boyam andthat's like a badly written sound effect.Oh yeah.You know what I mean?It's like boyam.
16:52Hey, dude.So it just kind of fell together.You know, when you feel like something's working, I had all these ideas and that one, becauseof little stuff like that, just moved to the front.So I just made it.When did you shoot that one?In July.Oh, cool.
17:05Well, there you go.Now you've really stepped it up.Yeah.One took you 12 years.This one took you about 12 weeks.Yeah, you're totally right.Ben's on a tear now.Jesus Christ.
17:13But it's cool.DC Benny's in it.Oh, I loved it.He's a great actor, DC.Dude, he's so good in this.He's so funny.He's the evil villain in boyam episode one.I'm in.
17:24I'm going to watch this.Dante is in it.Vecchio is in it.Vecchio is a riot.Masavio is in it.Masavio career.Holy shit.I put him in.
17:32I was like, dude, he'd be a perfect henchman.So yeah, Masavio, how we know him.He used to run the old Boston comedy club, which is now you'd fucking, it was a wine tastingor wine bar?Yeah, it's a wine bar yet.I walked in there one night just ahead and go in and look at it.And there was all these, you know, people in that, you know, 20s in a prime of their fuckinglife like we used to be.
17:52And I just was going like, they're like, can I help you, sir?And I was just like this old man, this used to be a comedy club.And they were like, really?And I was like, yeah, I go, I watched like a 20 year old Dave Chappelle right where thattwo top is.And that was at first, they didn't give a fuck till I dropped his.So he said Chappelle.And they were like, really?
18:09Oh my God, they couldn't believe it.And I was like, all offended.Like, how come you don't know what's important to me?Yeah, totally.I know that feeling.Yeah.It's just like, well, because we moved on old man.Now, would you like a Merlot or get the fuck out of here?
18:21Serving Merlot, I'm fucking leaving.I don't do the downstairs of that place is now the zinc bar.The one that was used to be called the Beacon Cafe.It used to be the the bag it in the bag and in when we used to drink in there.Pretty hard.And remember that kid with the glasses, the kid on the guitar, he come down a fuckinglike whale like every Monday night, David Coker.Holy shit, that guy David Coker.
18:42Yeah, I've still been in touch with him, man.He we did a song for my last special.Coker and I wrote a song and did it and play it at the end.That's got cash cab blues, silly, like, you know, cash cab blues tune.Right.Because I loved Coker so much.He's such a great musician.You really?
18:56How long you've been playing, by the way?Since I was 12.Yeah, you can tell.12 years old.I the guy that lived behind this English family moved in behind us.The Sedgwick's.And the old, the oldest guy, the oldest ship's love.Hello.
19:14Is this your yard?Is this your garden?Oregano.I was talking about that in my last podcast, like every fucking ingredientspice they always say differently.Yeah.So yeah, there's a lot of little.Basil, oregano, basil to my girlfriend.
19:29You've met my girl, right?She's Australian.I have a new bit around one of those little things that.That still come up.These little differences between how they speak and how we speak.And she said, I'm talking about my daughter going horse riding, right?I'm like, horse riding, we say horseback riding.And then I'm like, why do we specify?
19:54Yeah, horse riding actually makes a lot more sense.They kind of get into it.We only ever ride on one part of the horse.Horseback riding.Yeah, yeah.But she just said horse riding.Get off its neck.Yeah, yeah, horse neck.
20:05And so I have this whole bit about it, but there's so many little things like that.But so these British got this British family moves in behind us.The oldest brother is like, I'm like, I'm 11.What are their names again?The Sedgwick's.I just want to hear you say that Andrew Sedgwick, John Sedgwick.Just loyalty is with the urgency of that accent.It's just fucking tremendous.
20:27I would listen to it's not fair, is it?There's so much gravitas.Yeah, that comes with that accent.It's just we can't sound so fucking important.Everything I say.Yeah, so sorry.No, that's fine.So the oldest brother is like 25 or 26, and he's a sound engineer.
20:43So he's got a studio in their attic.He builds a studio in their attic and he's working on doing sound mixing for somealbums, like some pretty big stuff like that.And what was his name?His name is Andrew Sedgwick.Still is as far as I know.But so I would go over there and annoy the shit out of this guy.I was just a little kid who I was so curious about all his equipment and stuff,
21:02his studio and everything that he got fed up with me asking him a zillionquestions and he just put a guitar in my hand here, play with this.So I started playing with it.And, you know, six months later, I bought it.I saved up my money for my paper route and I bought his.Oh, you had a paper route, too.Yeah, yeah. Oh, you say route.I say route. Look at that route route.
21:23I had a paper.Wait, which one did I say?You said route.I thought route was Midwest.I don't.Well, see, I have a little Midwest.I lived in Michigan when I was when I was little.Oh, I didn't know.
21:32So I have this weird mix of accents.Yeah. I lived in the South, too.So I kind of don't have anything.No, my dad running from the law.Oh, he changed jobs a lot.He's a killer.So how many times were you the new kid in school?Four. I did it three times.
21:48It's brutal.Fucking brutal, right?I still remember the kids that were nice to me.I still remember when I moved the last time we moved.Or maybe the second time this kid, Keith Hannon, the first recess goes, Hey, man,you want to play catch?He had a tennis ball.And I was just like, Oh, thank God.
22:06Because it was bad enough.It was bad enough coming in.Like we were like forward.We moved to the town.We were like four days.We were it was already four days into school year.Yeah.And then we came and I had the very similar thing.
22:19And how they bring you in.He's like, you don't just like I didn't just show up.I didn't get on the bus or anything like that.Like we went down to the principal's officebecause we were late and everything.And they were like, all right.And they just walked us down.And she just came walking in going, OK, class.
22:32We have a new student.They're all looking at me.I kind of like energyed my way through the last one.I hung my coat up like, Hey, I made a lot of noise.Oh, nice.I went over and I sat down.And then that's why I just sat down.I felt like, of course, my desk, I felt
22:46was like right in the middle of the class.I just felt everybody glancing at me.I was like, just sit with my fucking orange hair.Like, I know, I know.I don't like it either.Fuck off.So that's brutal.Being the new kid is fucking hard.
23:00I was tall.Like I was a big kid, kind of.At that age, when we were in high school,I wasn't that big.Everyone sort of caught up with me.And then I grew again later.But when I was in fourth grade, I was one of the bigger kids.So it seems like it'd be great.
23:12But no, all the kids who were the bigger guys,I had to like fight them.I had to fight my way through.First day of school, people werechoosing who I had to fight on the fucking playground.I'm like, this is not a good start.I always lost.I always lost.
23:26I fought this kid, I remember.I fought this kid.This is sort of kind of when I look about it.Like it was sort of racist the way the teacher handled it.He was the only black kid.And for some reason, we fought.We fought like five recesses in a row.And he kept kicking my ass.
23:39And finally, I remember I was starting to win.And he had these fucking work boots on.And then he just went like, bam, bam, bam.Like three times in my shit.I was like, dang.I started crying, right?I was just sitting there crying.I remember she fucking, as we used to say back then,
23:55bawled him out, is what we used to say to get yelled at.She bawled him out.Yeah, yelled at him.And then came out, I was sitting there crying.And she came home and she rubbed my head.She even thought.So you just got away with it basically?I was kind of like maybe.
24:06Because you lost.Oh, because I was so pathetic.Or maybe I just looked like a little beat up Ron Howard.I don't know what, Ralph Malf for something.She's like, there, there, Ginger.Yeah, she was.I actually thought about later, like why was she comforting me?We both got into it every fucking recess.
24:23I was clearly not trying to get away from the kid.I didn't even know why we were fighting, either.Because then we ended up being like friends.It was just like that little kid shit.And I still remember somehow I slipped and fell in what I did.During the fight?Yeah, and then he had his work boots.I think he fell down too.
24:42Maybe it was just with the heel of his boot,tongue sticking out, you know, little kids,when they're really trying to make an effort.That was it, just crying.Dude, I had a bunch of those.I would cry even if I won the fights when I was a kid.Oh, because just the emotion.It's just like, what happened?
24:59I beat him up.I remember telling him, I was at a birthday party.We were playing street hockey.And this one kid who played hockey was like really good.He kept lifting my stick and kept taking the puck.And he was like fucking twice my height.Oh, knocking your stick up?Yeah, and I got so mad.
25:15I turned around and I just started fighting him.And he just kind of like, he'd like lean back and kind of like,let me fucking get like three, four in, like missing kind of.And then he just went, blam!And blasted me in the side of the head.And I fell down.I started crying.And I walked away.
25:32And I just remember screaming the top of my lungsas I was walking, because I used to cut through the woods.And people were yelling from the party.To get to school?No, I'd cut through the woods to get to my friend's housewhere we played street hockey.I was already into the woods and people were screaming.They're like, come on, Bill, come back.
25:50And I was in the middle of the woods by myself going, fuck you.I think his mother yelled one time.And I just went home.You're in the woods alone.And this is the maturity of the other kid.This is, no, just walking through the trail.This thing, you know, your head was always hot.It's so familiar, this is such a real moment.
26:09Yeah, I feel like I live the same thing.And what was funny was I came homeand I told my mother what happened.And it never dawned on her to call over there to drive me.All that overly just getting involved with shit,parenting that people have done over the last,like whatever, since we were kids.She just was like, all right.
26:28See you when you get home.Yeah, well, you know, I have things to do or whatever.And then that was kind of it.And I remember the next day,the maturity of the other kid was when we were on the bus,I was like ignoring them and stuff.And he just kind of yelled that, you know,everybody stands up and you're waiting to get off the bus.
26:43He yelled, hey, Bill, let me talk to you.We get off the bus.And I was like, oh, we got off the bus.Wow, that's cool.Yeah, dude, this is fifth grade.He really just goes like, yeah, sorry about that.I was like, all right, man.And it was fine.
26:52Wow, that's impressive.Yeah, I should have learned that lesson, but I didn't.Huh?No, it's good.No, it's good.What was his name?You remember his name?Yeah, I don't want to say everybody's name.
27:02I probably shouldn't have said itbecause people get all weird and shit.They're still real.They're actually real people who are still alive.Yeah, his first name was Tom.Put it that way.He's a tall fucking dude.Tall Tom.
27:11Dude, I was way out of my fucking weight class.And even the ass kicking was a gentlemanly ass kicking.He just gave me one, shut the fuck up, sit down.Just a quiet little kid.Yeah, there was no reason for me to fight.I was just mad because he was better than me.He was really immature.Even for that age, I'm still ashamed of myself.
27:30So anyway, so this guy ended up giving you a guitar.That's really fucking cool.Amy Guitar, yeah, it was so cool.I guess she had to pay for it.I got it.Well, I mean, I could go over there and play it whenever,but at some point I was like, I'm gonna save up and buy it.I think I bought it for like 75 bucks.
27:45Did he teach you any chords or anything?Or was he?No, no.He just left me to it, you know?But then my sister's boyfriend was a guitar player,and he was quite a bit older.And like, so he showed me some stuff.And pretty soon I was like, you know,
28:00I could figure out some songs.I always had a decent ear.I could pick stuff out and find it.But that was, unless you had the money to take lessons,that was the only way to learn back then.That was it, no lessons, no, you know.Like kids today, the shit that they can see on YouTube,someone will just totally break the thing down,
28:16which is great, which is great.And that's why there's so many monster players out there.But like, I would suggest if, you know,as they start to show it to sort of turn you backto the screen and see if you can just listento what he's doing.And just so you'll always develop in your ear,because I wouldn't want to be that guy, like,
28:33you know, couldn't figure it out, like.Yeah, well that's part of the thought of figuring it out.Yeah.You know?But I also think that maybe one sort of downfallof everything being out there for anybody to learn is,you don't develop your own style of guitar,like, or whatever it is.
28:50Right.Like I play guitar differently than most people,I think, because no one ever really taught me how to play.I just started playing it.Right.So I have little things that I do that are probably uniqueto me, at least I hope they are.Right.
29:04And some technique, I would be like, actually, that's...Yeah, that's wrong.You're holding your hand wrong, or, you know, you should be...You know, it still sounds good, but...Yeah, I mean, like, well, but this is what I do.So, you know, but I think music is like that.You know, it's your expression, whatever you do.That's what you do, so.
29:19Yeah, it's definitely a, it's kind of a great thingfor it, and it's also a weird thing,because then I definitely, there's always like,then there's like the top, like, fucking...It's just, I feel like everybody's influence nowis whatever subject it is, the first page,the first three links, becomes like 90% of people'slike consciousness, because if you look at...
29:42I should probably, because I even do that,I should probably do it when I go on YouTube,next time I go to look something up,to try and just click to like,like, what the fuck is on page three?Yeah.Like, I want to get into the...Go to page 99,
29:51and see what the hell's on there.The underground.Yeah, there's 100,000 pages to look at,of most things, right?100,000 hits on how to play, you know.Yeah, I played, I played right before I came over here.I'm doing another one of those,the goddamn comedy jam, so I have another song.
30:08Oh, nice.I got to try to get together with you.What song, what do you got, or you can't say yet?I don't want to ruin it,because it's part of the show when they get there,but it's, you know, I always stay pretty much,you know, 70s and 80s.Right.
30:20I dress up like the drummer that I'm gonna,so it's just completely ridiculous.Yeah, cause it's...I want to do one of those with those guys.I got to, I got to connect with them,cause they were like, you should do onewhen you come out next, but now it's been a year.Yeah, you'd kill it.
30:32That'd be so fun, dude.I wonder if, I don't know if Josh and those guyscame out for the Toyota and now New York comedy festival.I think they were there.I think they were in New York for that.Dude, I have so much fun with those guys there.One year, I did Montreal, the comedy festival,just to come in, I played with those guys
30:48three nights in a row.Just to do it.And then I did a stand-up show,but like the reason I was there...Was to do the music.Yeah, because I played, dude,I played for fucking like 20 years by myself.Yeah.
31:01Like it was so...Me too, same thing, man.But it was such like a kind of thing of like,why I ended up becoming a comedian,cause I was so introverted and like it didn't dawn on meuntil like the mid 2000s.I started playing in the 80s.That was just like, hey, kind of the reason
31:18for playing is to interact with other human beings.Just to entertain, yeah, to share it with people, yeah.Yeah, and then thank God that that show came around.And then the first time I got to like...Well, I sat in with a few other people,but the first time I actually kind of came out,people knew who the fuck I was and I had to sit down.It was a really like, it was such a fun thing.
31:35So...Playing music live is like different than stand-up,obviously, but it's so great.But I think it's...I just love it, man.It's fun for us to, because we're not in a bandand we don't have to deal with thatbecause I know that guys I've met there are actually in bands.
31:54It's like the big thing is how to keep it funand when it starts becoming a job.Like you've toured with other comediansand you know when you're toured with comedians,you're gonna have the substance abuse guy,you're gonna have the pussyhound, the late guy,the egomaniac.Those are all the same guy.
32:11That's all Tony Woods, isn't it?No, you're right, yeah.Tony might have a couple, we all have a couple of those.I'm one of two of those guys from time to time.But yeah, I mean...What two are you, would you say?I'm late and what were the other ones?Substance abuse, egomaniac, pussyhound.
32:31I would say I am...I'm definitely late and maybe I havethe touch of substance abuse.I'm substance abuse guy, cigars drinking.I don't know if this makes me a fucked up or anything,but I know I could shut it off anytime I want to,I just don't want to.What do you mean, the drinking or the...
32:50Yeah, I could go, I did it.I got to that point too, yeah.I know you went a few years,I went and I did like a year and some change.You know, a year and a couple of days,I was just like, I missed it.But it's not like it completely ruins my...I don't know, I mean, I know when to do it.
33:11Yeah, I do it much more controlled than I used to.Like when I stopped, I stoppedbecause I was like, holy shit, I'm out of control here.Oh, all right.I got to lay off and regain my footing.So five years I quit.I think that's the difference between maybe addictsand fucked up people like you and I,
33:33where it's just like, I can just,I just, when he gets out of control,I was like, all right, well, I'm not gonna do thatfor like a month.Yeah, stop for a while, yeah.Although this year, you know, I kept saying thatand it was never a month.It was always like three, four days.
33:43I had a real stressful year this year,just a lot of stuff.Oh, that sucks.No, it's just...What, career stuff?Being busy, being busy, being busyand all my free time kind of fucking dissolvedand sitting there, you know, writing on a show
33:59is just you come home, your brain is fried.And I probably should have picked a better habit,but it started becoming coming homeand having a whiskey, right?And then it became two and then it became threeand then my wife is finally like,hey, you fucking boozebag, what are you doing?Literally called me a boozebag.
34:15And then I dialed it back and for me, it's just...Could you like laugh when she'd said that?Oh, God, yeah.Yeah, you weren't like, that's good.No, my wife is hilarious.Because if you're like, what the, you know,you've got all mad and be like, oh, wait a minute.I knew that.
34:31No, if I did that, no, that would have been bad.That's a bad, if that's your reactionand you need to think about it.Yeah, standing there and you're like, yeah, you're right.I need to rate it in, sorry.Then it's cool.I just had a couple of bottles hidden behind toiletsand shit, that's totally normal.
34:46No, I think...Don't you think everybody's the kind of needsto have some little shit that's just theirs?Like a little thing that you keep just for you?No, you have to do it right now.You know what I mean?Like everybody's got maybe some secret little shitthat's just theirs.
35:00Whatever it is.I saw this guy one time, this old dude.I'm gonna move the mic here, I'm sorry.I gotta lean back at some point, have bad posture.I saw this one time I was staying at this hotel, right?And there was this old dude standing there, all right?And like every night, like clockwork,because I would finish the shows, I'd come home.
35:17He'd come walking out, some of those hotels you could,he had a little dog or whatever nowadays.Everything's like a fucking therapy dog,so you can get away with it.It's a working dog.Working dog, yeah.But you're not supposed to ask.Yeah.
35:27I asked the guy in the airport,he's like, you're not supposed to ask about it.Well, I did.If he didn't have a sweater that said working dog on it,I wouldn't have fucking asked.Yeah, what's his job?Yeah, what's his job?Did it major in business?
35:37So sorry, good.Every night this guy would come outand he would take out a little pouch.It was tobacco, by the way.He'd take that out and he would roll his own cigarette.And I just saw it, it was like,this is this guy's whole ritual.He'd sat there and he would only smoke one.
35:52Right.And he would just, he would milk itand he would make it last for like a half hourand he would just sit out there quietly, no phone,no iPad, no nothing.And I remember seeing that going like,I get what that guy's doing.Yeah.
36:07And I wish I had the time to do a little more of that.We just have that, I think guys kind of need like a long time.I don't know how women are, women are a little more social.But I agree.They probably need it too.I have no idea, I shouldn't speak for them.I don't know.My girl seems content to just be together
36:22and talk and chat about everything all the time.And sometimes I'm like,why am I getting all cranky and fucked up right now?I'm like, I just need to be by myself.Like I need to, I definitely need a long time.I think that's why we-So you've got a million things going on.You know, we also, these careers are all consuming
36:41if you let them be.Right.Because we don't have an office.We don't punch a clock.We don't show up at one time and then leave at another.It's just always going on.Right.You have ideas, you have creative ideas,
36:52you have a schedule, shit that you're keeping track of.Yeah, I remember when I shot my special, right?On the 21st of October.I was like-This year, just shot a new one?Yep.And I'm like, all I gotta do is just fucking,you know, edit that thing,
37:04look at it a couple of times because I know what I want.Right.And I'm like, and I'm just fucking done, man.I'm gonna have time to Christmas shop.I'm gonna fucking put my feet up,play some drums and blah, blah, blah, blah.I mean, I don't know.I don't know what's happening.
37:16I'm fucking more busy than ever.And it's just like all of these, I don't know.I just, I don't know-And editing is gonna take a while, bro.Yeah.I've been able to do it this time where I sat throughand I watched the whole fucking thing,which is something I, you know, it's brutal.
37:34It's you for a fucking hour and a half.It's hard.And the longer you watch it, you're like,it's not even funny anymore.Yeah, you can't tell.If people are gonna get, yeah.It's fucking brutal.It's like, oh my God, that's an old bit.
37:43Yeah, it's like, fuck.But every time I go to do one, there's like a major,like I say, you know, you donate a kidney,just, there's always a chunk.I'm like, get that the fuck out of thereand just go right to the end and then we're done.And today I figured out what it wasand it went from, you know,
37:59why I felt a little bit too long to now being like,ah, fuck, it's over already, which is that sweet spot.Oh, that's perfect.That's sweet spot.Yeah, you don't want to have.How long is it?It's about 77.So that's about an hour, 15, an hour and 16,
38:15but I mean, it was getting way, it was getting like,when they took all the footage from both shows,it was like an hour 38 and I'm like, all right,there's no way.So we cut it down and then it was like 129 and I'm like,but I like everything, but I'm just like,I think you have to,if you like release like a concert movie,
38:31I think it's got to be, I would think like 90 minutes,if people are gonna.Yeah, but it's just you, yeah,and it's meant to be a feature.But I just feel like Netflix,if you're going to go on thereand people are going to sit down and if you're lucky enough,if you're lucky enough,
38:42they're actually going to click on your shit.It's just like, you just got to like,you got to go ACDC on them, you know,where they don't play any ballads,you just got to fucking.Just rock right through.Yeah, unless you're like Chappelle,which Chappelle has that way
38:57where he can just really fucking like bring it down.Like just watching him do that opening monologue on SNL,I mean, just like the level of shit that he's doing,effortlessly, not even consciously,the ups and downs, peaks and valleysand then the huge laughsand then the poignant moments and all of that.It's just like that, that was, you know,
39:16I'd be happy if I could have done in an hour and a half,what the fuck he did in like eight minutes.That clinic that he put on, so.Yeah, he's an amazing, super talented guy, man.Always was, always was.When he was standing where someone's drinkinghis white Zinfandel right now,where the Boston Comedy Club is.
39:39Hey, so what did you, were you shockedabout the election results?I wasn't that shocked, I was.You finally met somebody who called it.I knew somebody had to bet Trump.I didn't bet Trump, I didn't want to bet Trump,but I did a tour, I was on tour in a lot of Southern statesfor a month leading up to the election
40:03and nothing but Trump signs.All right.I mean, that's all I saw.It's kind of what she got out.I didn't see a single Hillary sign.I saw hundreds of Trump signs.And I was like, this could, this might be real.I thought it was.
40:18You know, I was like, holy shit.I've been on tour for two, never in a million yearsthat I think, I thought Hillary was the made personat the end of the day.I did too, until that tour.It was funny, I did a cone in the day after the electionand like, you know, I got so many peoplelike fucking yelling at me thinking like,
40:35how the fuck would you say this about Hillary?How the fuck would you say that about Trump?Like, you can't say anything about anybody.I try to evenly trash both of them and just say,hey, it'd be nice if people stopped yelling at each other.Somehow people missed all of that.Yeah.And they, you know, I think,
40:48especially the Hillary people,because they're so disappointedthat they just needed somebody.I got so much fucking shit from people.And actually, somebody just texted me going like,hey man, I saw you on that.I go, the guy was like, it seemed like, you know,secretly you voted for Trump.
41:02And then he wrote, secretly.I was like.So you wrote secretly again?Twice, yeah.And I was just like, yeah, like, no, I didn't votefor that guy.I didn't vote for either one of them.I couldn't stand them.
41:14I liked Bernie.Bernie was my fucking guy.I felt like right after the election,for the first time, I felt like Bernie would have won.I was like, people really want a change of, you know,they don't know how to get it, but that's what they want.Yeah, and they kind of gave me the same old with Hillary.Yeah.
41:29And if I was like, holy shit,if Bernie had gotten the nomination,he would probably be the president right now.People think Joe Biden could have won.I think just like, I don't,like familiarity breeze contempt.I mean, everybody's fucking filthy.There was just something about like,
41:43I felt myself saying it like when I saw Jeb Bushand I saw Clinton, I just like,I just can't deal with another Bush or a Clinton.It's such a stupid thing to say, but I was just like,Oh, it's true.There's some truth to it because they're,I want somebody else to lie to me now.I didn't want, I didn't want this guy.
41:56I didn't want this guy, you know,I'm not saying Bernie would have fucking sold everything,but I will say all this shit that Trump's doingis fucking hilarious where he's like,I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that.I'm gonna drain the swamp.It's like, dude, okay, let's just say you actually go in thereand you somehow do this, how slow DC works.
42:11Like you're gonna fucking drain the swampand then what, expose all these peopleand then they're all gonna go to jailand like they're gonna be okay with this.Yeah, no.I'm gonna get all the illegal immigrantsout of this country.You're gonna do, how are you gonna do that?
42:25How are you gonna do that?Yeah, I'm gonna build a fucking wall from hereto fucking California, Texas.Really, you're gonna do all of this.I think there already is a wall for one, isn't there?There's already a fence and a wall through a lot of it.It's like, dude, you can't stop people from coming inby blocking off 3% of the border.
42:45It's a tiny, it's like,they're coming in any way they could come in.Well, I thought he was gonna build-That's the whole basis of the country.He wasn't gonna-So people get to come in from all over the fucking place.Well, is how I actually think about that shit.It's like, there does become the tipping point
42:59where you got too many fucking people.Yeah.There is that.I mean, back in the day, yeah, we needed, you know,we needed all we could getbecause of what we were doing, which was underhanded.That's when America was great back then.We needed to take all these people.
43:14Yeah, yeah, get out there in the front linesand then we'd stuck them out west.Hey, that's your land over there.Go over there and provoke them into an attack.Like, the whole fucking thing was shady.Yeah, from the beginning.Yeah, it's nice.And the same goes for elections.
43:28Well, you know, it's crazy.Government, they've been corruptand been fucked up since the beginning.I'm not gonna say the show,but I recently did a show, right?And one of the comics went upand this person went and just trashed Donald Trump.This is after the show.
43:43After the election.Or the show.After the show.They went up after the show.After the election, right?It was like, you know, four, five days after whatever.They went out and went in hard on Trump, blah, blah, blah.He's a sex offender and all this type of stuff.
43:56And gradually the crowd started booing.Right.Half the crowd, half the crowd fucking booze.So then the next person goes up,who is a Trump supporter, this person goes upand supports Trump and trashes Hillary.Then the other half.Of the crowd.
44:10Started booing them.I've never seen like.So divided.Dude, it's literally like,it's like a great SEC football gamewhere they play in like a neutral site,like when Florida plays Georgiaand like it's half fucking bulldogs, half gators.
44:24It's fucking insane.Like I've never.It really is like that.The country's so completely dividedthat it's a little scary.But the thing that I don't like is that now the people,you know, whatever side you're on,you're seeing the other side as your enemy.
44:40Right?When we're not supposed to be enemies,we're all supposed to, we all live here together.Dude, that ship sailed, dude.I know, I know, but that's what I'm saying.That's what's shitty.It's totally split.Once Fox News came in and balanced out CNN
44:52by being just as ridiculously far to the other side.I mean, those show, those networks are hilarious.Like on election night, what I would do is I would just,whoever was winning, I would watch the other networkjust to watch them start to sweat.Just to see what they said.No, I just, just for the comedy of it,because I knew there was nothing, nothing.
45:10I mean, I voted for who I wanted to vote for.I knew this fucking state was gonna gowith Hillary Clinton.I mean, that's a given.The oceans vote for blueand everybody else in the middle votes for red.And then it comes down to like fucking Ohio, Pennsylvania.Wisconsin.
45:23Evidently, North Carolina, which I didn't know about that.But what I was happy was actually was up to dateon all the propositions and voted red them all.Me and my wife were reading them for like days in frontand like, we're just laughing around.Like, could you be sitting there like reading?There'd be like, you know,do you not want them to drill for oil
45:39in the middle of your forehead?And then here's the argument for,and you'd be like, well, that would probably leadto your death.There is no oil in there, blah, blah, blah, blah.And then it'd be like the argument gets,actually, it's the complete opposite.Drilling for oil would actually save this.
45:54The next thing you know, maybe I should vote.Like, I didn't get anything out of those arguments.And then we were just laughing.We just eventually look at, well, who supported this?It'd be like, if it was anything environmentally,it's like Ed Bagley, Jr.All right, that guy's been riding a bike for 30 years.Okay, if he's down with this, I'm going with Ed Bagley.
46:11He's powered his whole neighborhoodby riding on a hamster wheel.You know what's funny?Do we know who, what happened with the condoms in Porno?Did that pass or no?Nice. Is that actually a thing?Yes, keep Porno, keep some jobs hereand in the valley, right?
46:29So no, they don't have to work on them in Porno.I think that that was a good thing.They do.They do, okay.Oh, this is classic Americans.We don't even know.We're going to look it up.I thought it used to be that way.
46:42And now that they've taken it.It's where they had to wear condomsand then they were having a hard time.I think it was.You could not be further off the mic.So you got to make a quick point here.Okay.I think it didn't pass.
46:55So they don't have to wear condoms,but they can't get permits right now.They're having a really hard time getting permits.Okay, so.Porno permits.I'm saying that maybe it passed,but they can't get permits.Oh, Jesus Christ.
47:05We only had two things to vote on other than offices.We had to vote on whether or not we want it to allowcasinos in Northern Jersey.And what'd you say?I said no, which, and it didn't,it was no as overwhelming.No, they're not going to be able to put casinosin Northern Jersey, which is, in my opinion, very good.
47:26Right.I don't hate casinos.Chris Christie's.But I don't think they should be everywhere.Would you say Chris Christie is fat, is that what you said?No, and I coughed.He's fat enough.He doesn't mean to get in that skim bag
47:35and go into Jersey, Mike's even more.And then the other one was like,should we designate the money from tolls and fuel taxinto public transportation,which is what it was meant to be for to begin with.First question is, where is it going now?Well, anywhere else.I don't know where.
47:59I really don't know where.But it was meant to be allocated toward that,a certain percentage of it initially.And then that got changed somewhere along the line.So we voted and changed it back.Was legalizing weed, keeping it legal or something like that.It was the condoms.It was like, should we repair?
48:14There was one about building up schools and everything,where initially you're like, yeah, this is a good thing.And then the whole thing, the whole propositionwas written by this group of people that are builders.And wait a minute, I don't like that.The contractors are writing this shit up.So what's going on with this?Wow, there's a lot of interesting shit
48:31on the bill out here.Yeah, no, I can't remember.There was at least another 12.There was so many.And you have a vote on every one of them?Yeah, but what was great was we figured outthe best we could, what it was.And God knows what is attached to all of that shit too.
48:45You know what I mean?So I had all my answers before I went in there.So what was taking everybody like,a good 20 minutes if you're reading itfor the first fucking time, I had them all.So I would just look at the page.Yes was up, no was down.I would just look at my answer sheet
49:00and be like, up, down, down, up.And I just, I just fucking moved through it.That was great.I felt like I was cheating on a test.Well, before we get out of it,we gotta get the answer here.What's going on?It did not pass.
49:13It did not pass.It did not pass.But they can't get their permits to make porno.Yeah, even that is complicated.Who's the conservative behind thatthat wants to get porno out of the valley?Did Tipper Gore move to the valley recently?Remember her?
49:28The NPRC.Just like one guy that wrote it upand if it passed, he would have a jobfor the rest of his life, basically making surethere were condoms in horn.So he was.So one, wait, one guy wrote it.That does not sound real.
49:41So like I could do that.He's the one guy who supplies the porno.But it has to get,it's gotta get through some sort of fuckinglegislative horseshit, right?To then get put on the ballot.So he's got money.All right, cause I was saying,
49:53then the guy who said the rent's too damn highwould have got something done.Remember that guy?Rent's too damn high.Rent is too damn high.I hate it when like he kept getting laughsand kept hanging around.And then like one of those politicians is like,
50:04I agree with them.The rent is too darned high.I don't know how those politicians existin that level of phony.Cartoons, yeah.Yeah, Al Gore was one of the worst I saw.And that was the thing I think about Trumpthat was amazing was watching him just be himself,
50:24which a lot of people don't like who he was,but he was being a person.A lot of people don't think a good person,but like he-No, he's candid.You can't, you can't accuse him of not being-Dude, it was like they were sitting at the table,but it was politicians and he was the guy running the table
50:37and no one could get him.I couldn't fuck him, they could not figure out.They're like, this guy doesn't care about anything.How do we pin him down?And he didn't give a shit about who.He changed what he says from one minute to the next.He didn't care about the rules.And he doesn't care.
50:52He'd be like, oh, oh, she's allowed to talk and I can.Oh, great, three against one.Three against, I love him, look at that.Three against one.When he said that it was, it was fucking, because-It's ridiculous.But it was brilliant, like what he did.I mean, I'm not happy that it's certainly these fucking guys
51:06that he's putting together.I joked to my last podcast, you know,when he was talking about he's gonna have changeand everything and I was just going,he's just doing the exact opposite.Yeah, it's like Fuller House.You just bring it back to this old show.I'll say it was like the expendable version
51:18of the expendables of Republicans.It's just-Dude, it's the whole thing to him was just a game,it seems.If you see him interviewed now,it's just like he's basically like, oh, I won.And that was it, it doesn't matter how.I just won.
51:33You don't have to wait about this.And they're like, but you're doing all the stuffthat you said you weren't gonna do.And he's like, well, who else is gonna do it?Basically, it's like Mark's brother's shit.Like, you can't just say who else is gonna do it.That's not an answer.But it is.
51:47But he doesn't give a shit.He's like, that's as good an answer as you're getting.So fuck you.But the thing about the media is they had no follow up.Cause they never dealt with a guy like thiswho would just admit to, you know-Yeah, well, their typical follow up doesn't workbecause they call him out on it and he just says,
52:02yeah, whatever, who cares?And it says something else.Well, the back in the day when somebody would call,when they would call a politician out,they'd try to get out of it and they would stammerand then they would just keep, you know, hitting them with ituntil just the whole embarrassment of the situation,the person would drop out.
52:18He just would admit to it and they had nothing.Yeah.And they're like, well-When they said, oh, this is supposed to be bad.I keep using this as an example.They were like, you know, you've said this about women.You've said that about women.You said this about women.
52:30He goes, nah, nah, nah.He goes, I said that about Rosie O'Donnell.And it got a huge laugh.And then the female reporter goes like, no,you've said that about other women too.And he just goes, yeah, you're probably right.Yeah, but then it's over.And it was over.
52:43Yeah, he made a joke.And she couldn't even, like,or anybody on that panel couldn't have been like,you're probably right.So you're saying you are sexist.Is that what you're saying?Do you think that, like,and I still think because of what the fuck he represented,
52:55he could have just been like, yes, I am sexist.Yeah, clearly.I can't believe you're not sitting heremaking me a pie or something.They get out of here and let the men handle it.Clearly people were not put off by that.I don't know.But it's so hard to tell what's true and what isn't.
53:11Anything you read about Hillary in the last three monthsor five months or whatever,could have been taken out of context.Absolutely.And put in a way to show her in a certain light.It's the same with Trump.It gets to be silly to assumethat one side's doing it and one side the other is not.
53:25No, they all are.You don't amaze me.It gets very difficult to tell what the fuck is realand what isn't, you know?You know what's fucked up?People get their news from fucking Twitter.Guilty.Guilty charges.
53:35Me too, me too, man.Facebook.All of that.I, you know what killed me?I'm real Ben Bailey on Twitter, by the way.Real Ben Bailey.The real Ben Bailey.B-A-I-L-E-Y dot com.
53:47The real Ben Bailey dot com.I was actually amazed at the election nightwhen they had the pictures of each candidateand it was finally one that the other side hadn't pickedand I was just like, oh, look at Hillary.She looks like a nice person.Look at Donald.He looks like a cool guy.
54:00Yeah, they look okay.Because Donald was always like, you know,with the scowl and he had like the thing,like that Rudy Giuliani picture that the left is usingwhere he looks like he's roaring.He just came up from the flames of hell.That thing is fucking, you can do that to anybody.Especially when you, yeah, totally.
54:18Yeah, when you're that old, you know,it's such an effort just to speak.Your face is going to contort.And they just have to do, take a couple of pictures.You're going to look like Satan.And then Hillary always just had that crazy fucking smileand the bobblehead thing going.And really unflattering light.
54:32Like she looked like, you know.Oh dude, they did everything.They did everything they possibly could to both of them.Like Trump, like his eyebrows by the end of the electionwere like beneath his eyes.It's like a whole thing's a joke.The fact that he actually has one points outa point that he made repeatedly through the campaign,
54:49which is that the whole system is fucked.It doesn't work, really.But I will tell you, all those people that thinkthat he's somehow going to get themout of their fucking hole is that's-It's ridiculous.No, you know, it's, they don't give it.It's on you.
55:03It's on you.And they try to act like these peopleare going to save your fucking ass.They're not.No.They can't.No.And that's the uplifting message of this podcast.
55:14It could be worse, dude.There's like a billion people,literally a billion people in Chinathat live in abject poverty.Oh, totally.And are brainwashed into thinking that that's, you know,that's their place.I don't know.
55:27It's a-A billion people.I know.It's like, what the fuck?How would you even begin to try to-Have you seen, this is the thing-Tackle up an issue like that.Have you seen-
55:38There's no way to do it.It's just, that's how it is.Have you seen those cities like,they have a few cities over therethat have so many fucking people,like it literally looks like there's a fire,but it's just the polluted air.It's just the air, yeah.
55:51It's just the air.So like when they were having the Olympics over there,at some point when they were gonna shoot something,you know, film it for the world to see,they told everybody to like not driveor use any machinery or anything.God knows what would happen to you if you did.Oh, good.
56:06But like, I don't know, 24 hours or three daysor some shit.Before you.And they just let all of that shit in the airjust settle down onto the ground.Cause that's what it is.Yeah, cause it's all like, even like out here,like a lot of times people think that the haze is smog,
56:21but like haze, smog is brown,but haze is that clear thing.And that haze is all the dustand all the shit that we're kicking up and driving around.Yeah.So everybody, I think basically,what's that new thing the kids are doing?You act like a mannequin or some shit.
56:33Oh yeah, yeah.Yeah, they made like a billion peopleor a half a billion people fucking do that.Do that for a week.And then people just like,it's a great place to have people go swimming.You guys just have to hold stilluntil we're done with the 100 meter backs fork.
56:48Well, before we get out of here, dude.Oh yeah, there's a couple more things on therethat I shouldn't mention.Any more movies or something?Like, do you know like the next one that you're gonna doas far as the short film?I don't.I think I might do another episode of BWAM.
57:03I like it.Cause I like it a lot.And it was really fun.And like the idea was that another comicor actor friend of mine will be the villain.Probably another comedian.And so we'll just keep doing those.I can definitely see that being a series.
57:16A web series.A webisode.It was initially just gonna be a web series.But then I made the first one and I was like,I don't know if I wanna put all that into thisevery single time, just on my own.I might rather try some other stuffand see what people like, you know.
57:30Get some feedback once the stuff is out there.There you go.And then that leads to something.The next thing you know,you got something on fucking Amazonor Netflix.Yeah.Right?
57:39You're walking down a red carpet.People yelling, Ben, what are you wearing?What are you wearing?Oh my God.I don't know.And then they go back.Then they go back through all years.And a recently unearthed gem, meet me at Raze.
57:54Meet me at Raze.Now you sad?I also have, yeah, for 12 years.Now it's a period film.Well, I actually was anyway.I wanna see it because I wanna see like,because I'm one of those guys that I love seeing New York.Oh, you love it.
58:09In any era that it isn't now.Like I love seeing it in the 90s now.I love seeing it in the 80s.I love 70s of this shit.And then the 60s and 50s when it goes back is.Yeah, those are great.I love those.Yeah, like I watch old fucking movies for that reason.
58:23Like sometimes I'll watch an old movieand I'll see a guy driving down sunsetand you just see how spread out the buildings are.Yeah, yeah.And I'll, I mean, the shootingso you don't know about the traffic.But it's just like some of that stuff where it was just,you could just so see the hills and stuff.
58:38And it's like, yeah, that back then that's what they had.Like you wanna go shoot a mountain lionand you like walked out your backyard.It's ready.It's just right down the road.Yeah, in LA.So anyways.Dude, I should say, before we go, sorry.
58:48I also have two podcasts showsthat are gonna be on this, on the new website.Oh, cool.One of them is a storytelling show.Beautiful.I remember DC, Benny and I used to do that show Urban Myth.Yeah, what venue did you do?That was at, I almost got to this earlier
59:02when we were talking about Zinc Bar.Because that was the original Zinc Barwas on Houston Street.Yes, downstairs.And that's where we would do Urban Myth every Tuesday.The new podcast I have is called Tall But True.It's a storytelling show.It's pretty much Urban Myth.
59:15Oh, cool.As a podcast.So it's like the two of us tell a storyand then a guest tells a story.So love to have you do that.Yeah, man.So time to call into that if you want.And then another one.
59:24And that'll all be on therealbenbailey.com.Yeah.And then one where my girl and I,it's called Speaking of Movies.We watch a movie and then we just talk about the movie.Afterward, which we love, which we did anyway.And then one day we're like,we always have these great conversations
59:38after we watch a movie.Let's just start recording them.Can you recommend a movie you've seen lately that you liked?Dude, I watched, you've probably seen it.I'm way behind, but I just watched Batman versus Superman.I liked it.I've loved it, man.You've already seen it.
59:52Yeah, I thought it was great.I liked it.I said that yesterday at Benson's podcast,Doug loves movies and everybody was like, what?They were like, they thought it was terrible.I thought it was awesome.I liked the, if we're not gonna take a look around here.Sorry about that.
01:00:06I liked the way they had our,like the government getting involved going,we can't just have this guy acting unilaterallyand whatever the fuck that means.You know, just basically helping out all the fucking onesand people claiming him and all that.They have to be held accountable, the superheroes, yeah.That actually seemed like some shit that they would do
01:00:25and then demonize them and all that.Like I always forget movies, the second I saw them,but that thing stuck out with me.I really liked that.I thought it was great, man.And it's, you know, have you ever seen Watchmen?Remember that one?That's the same director, Zack Snyder,
01:00:39I think his name is.He made the Watchmen, which is like,super dark superhero movie based on this graphic novel,which is awesome.You should check it out.You'd love it.There's a character in there called The Comedian.Oh, cool.
01:00:52He's a superhero called The Comedian.He's like super dark.The only thing I don't like about Superman moviesis it always comes down to the kryptonite.It's always, it's never,he never bangs the wrong girl.You just know, okay, when's the green chaingetting wrapped around his neck?
01:01:05Yeah, when's it gonna happen?Yeah.It's the only thing that can do it.The only thing, he's too powerful.That's the thing, it almost gets a little boring.Well, well, Ben, we finally got you on the podcast.I finally got to play jam with you, man.It was fucking awesome and continued success.
01:01:19Check out all things Ben Bailey at therealbenbailey.com.You can also get there by going to threebtv.net.That's threebabytv.com.Fee isn't baby, I should say.Dot net.Dot net, sorry.Unfortunately, it's dot net.Dot net.
01:01:34Dot com is like some kids who have a sitewith funny videos that suck.I shouldn't say that.That's me.I know what you're saying.They're okay, but it's not mine.It's the wrongs.You went for the joke there.
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01:10:12Simplysafeburr.com.All right, that's it.Now I got, once again, I gotta hit the home button.I gotta do the whole password fucking thing and then.Hey, what's going on?It's Bill Burr.It is the Monday morning podcast and it's late in the dayand I finally got to it.
01:10:47And this is my fourth attempt at trying to do a good one.Get a good one.Remember that line?What movie's that from?Fast Times of Richmond High.Mr. Hand, you remember him?You know the guy who played that?He was in my favorite Martian.
01:11:04And he took that gig back in the early 60sand for like 30 fucking years.Every time somebody ran up to him, they said,hey, it's that fucking Martian guy.And he hated life and he hated that fucking showand then he did that show,Movie Fast Times of Richmond High.And one day the clouds parted
01:11:22and some young kid came walking up to him and said,hey, Mr. Hand.And evidently he was really excited.Isn't that a nice show business story?I don't know what the fuck that has to do with my podcastor this fucking bus that is in front of methat is not moving.Go, you're a bus, there you go.
01:11:39Merge, you cunt.Anyways, if you're new to my page or my website,I do one of these every single weekand people send me questionsand I try to answer them for the best of my ability.I try not to say cunt during the podcast,but occasionally it flips outwhen there's a bus driving two miles an hour.
01:11:58What the fuck is wrong with me?I can't say words lately.I was working at Zanies in Nashvilleand I kept stumbling over wordsand then I started thinking,why I keep stumbling over these words?And then I almost started stuttering on stage.And speaking of which, if you came out to see me
01:12:14at Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee,I just want to say thank you very much.And even though I just said thank you very much,you might have sensed a little bit of anger underneath that.And it has nothing to do with you guys.It has to do with the factthat there aren't enough hours in the day today.And I'm fucking frustrated.
01:12:33And I basically only have about 10, 15 minutesto do this podcast.And usually I go on for about 45 minutes,but today or whatever, half hours,this is going to be like an ET.Kind of like Guns N' Roses, that Lies album,except I'm not going to drop the N-word, you know?So slash, if you're listening to this,
01:12:53if you're one of the 14 people who listens to my podcast,you're not going to feel awkward or have to explain yourself.I don't fucking know people.You know what?I got nothing.I got nothing this week.I got nothing funny to say.I am fucking burnt out.
01:13:12I just did back to back weeks on the road,plus at college.You want to hear my week?I was in Washington, DC.Then I was in LA.And then I went to Colorado.Then I flew to Indianapolis, did the Bob and Tom show.And I had a night off the night before.
01:13:37And because my brain never shuts off,I'm like, well, why the fuck would I just chill outin Indianapolis when I can drive four fucking hours upto Detroit and go to a Red Wings game?And that's what I did.Except I thought it was only a two-hour drive.And it turned out it was a fucking four-hour drive,four and a half, actually.
01:13:55And I went up there.It was Red Wings Penguins, which turned outto be one of the games of the year.But I had to leave before the third period ended.And I missed the Penguins come back and win in overtime.But I still got to go to that arena.And I couldn't believe how small it was.You know, there was no upper deck.
01:14:10It just kind of went straight up.You know, it was kind of an, I don't know,an old school building in like a 1975 kind of way.But it was really cool.And the fans were awesome.And, you know, I don't like going on that expansion shit.And I don't like fair weather fans.And that Detroit's got good fans.
01:14:30And there were a lot of Pittsburgh Penguins fans theretalking a lot of shit, even when they were down four,two up to two periods.And I missed them all talking shit when they came backand won seven, six in fucking overtime.And where was I driving by fucking cornfieldin the middle of Indiana, Bob Van?So my brain right now is frazzled.
01:14:51And, you know, you might wonder what the fuck is wrongwith Bill.And, you know, I don't have any answers.I'm driving a hybrid.I just drank three quarters of a Sam Adams beer,one of their seasonal brews.And I am on my way to a writers meetingbecause I have to go write some sketches for something
01:15:11that I'm shooting.And I'm exhausted.This is one of these times when I justwant to sleep for fucking nine, 10 hoursand wake up the next day and just stare at the fucking wall.But I can't because I have to do this.I have to somehow put my voice into a sketch,which is not an easy thing to do.
01:15:32I find it's very hard for me to write sketchesbecause I write very set up punch, set up punch.It's not a lot of layers.It's not a lot of left turns.You know, it's just like my act.There's a lot of screaming and the effort.So I have to figure out how to do that.And we're at a red light, so I think it's time
01:15:49for a podcast question.Look at this.This is just like the cash cap.OK, Bill, question number one.Have you ever been asked to write materialfor another comedian?First of all, look at this fucking guy riding downthe street with a bicycle.
01:16:03I hate when the people do that.They put a reflector on their back,and then all of a sudden, they just, they feel like they'relike, they're sort of like a motorcycle on some level.They start riding with traffic like they're Kevin Baconin Quicksilver.You know, nothing makes me want to lean over and openmy passenger door and commit vehicular manslaughter
01:16:25like some fucking, turn your lights on.Somebody did another lights up, like that.Dude, you know what, I don't know.What the fuck was I talking about?What was the question?Have I ever been asked to write materialfor another comedian?Yes, yes, I have.
01:16:43I have written for, I wrote for one roast, the Shaquille O'Nealroast.And I got to admit, you know, at first I started writingthe jokes, and I was like, I don't want to write jokesfor another comedian.I want to write them for me, and I want to be able to say them.So I get to laugh.But then I realized what's cool about a roast
01:17:02is you're not writing for a comedian's act,whether they're going to go on HBO and kill with some jokeand get credit for it.It's a very specific thing.It's not like I have a chunk of material about Shaquille O'Neal.So what do I care?And I wrote it, and evidently, it went really well.People in the writer's room, I guess, liked it.
01:17:25And I got a real kick out of it, and I got one joke on the air.And I believe the joke was somethingabout watching Shaquille O'Neal play basketballwas like watching a retard fuck.Something along those lines, something along those linesof that he was just such a big dude.You know, he's such a big fucking dudethat even when he dunks the ball, it doesn't look good.
01:17:50He looks like a fat kid dunking a ball in like a Nerf hoop set.And that was basically it.And I went the cheap route.I use retard as a reference.I'm not proud of it, but it got on the air.All right, here's another one.Do you agree that the reason many TV shows are abruptly canceled?The reason many TV shows are abruptly canceled
01:18:09is due to the media's attempt to control what we watch,such as reality TV.OK.The media's attempt is if the entire media is working together.If you're into conspiracy theory,I would work a little higher up the ladderand try to see who owns media in this country.And you'd be surprised.
01:18:31It's not that many people.So I don't know.I don't think reality TV is an attempt for themto control what we watch.I just think it's really cheap.And it's something mesmerizing about watching 10 losersin a house talk shit about each other.As much as I make fun of it, did that guy just fucking bump
01:18:55into me with the fuck is wrong with you?You fucking idiot?That guy just fucking rear-ended me.Hang on a second.Did you fucking do this?No fucking way he just did that.I swear to God, I think some guy just literally tapped my bumper.Hang on a second.
01:19:21You know, this would be great if we get to a fucking red light,because I know we didn't hit it hard enough.Hold on, hold on a second.Did you bump into me?Hang on a second.Did you just bump into me?You didn't?OK.
01:19:41I don't know if it was my car or not.I was wondering why you had such a nonchalant lookon your face.I'm like, so you didn't?All right, all right, let's make it sure.All right, all right.Sorry about that.OK, all right, all right, man.
01:19:58OK, so anyways, evidently, you didn't bump into me.I think my car just had like a hiccup,but it literally felt like somebody just tapped my bumper.And I looked in the rear view mirror,and this guy was right on my fucking ass.You guys almost heard an LA moment.What if I fought him?I wonder if I have enough speakerphone.
01:20:20Dude, then they could have used my podcast in court.Then I finally would have got past like 15 fucking listeners.God damn it.That was a moment right there.That was a moment that almost happened.What a stupid question.Did you just bump into me?No, I didn't.
01:20:38Oh, OK.Jesus, can you believe I'm not a private investigatorwith that sort of fucking police work?All right, so anyways.I got to wrap this podcast up, because I'mat where the fuck I'm at.So this goddamn writer's thing that I'm doing.But you got to admit, you know, it
01:20:57was pretty exciting there for a second.All right, let's start up low through some of these more,some more of these questions.Oh, before I get off the phone, thanks to everybodywho came out to see me at Zanies in Nashville, Tennessee.I had an awesome time.And literally, tons more people showed up since the last time,which really made me feel good that people actually saw
01:21:17my special.They liked it, and it made them want to come out.And I'm really psyched about that.And I know I've been telling you guysI'm putting the dates up for 2009.They're definitely getting up this week.I talked to my booker, and they'resupposed to be emailing me something.
01:21:31So I'll get the dates up, up on my website,up on my MySpace page.Please come out to see me.And you'll watch me put together my next special,that hopefully I will tape this summer, coming summer.So anyways, here's a long question about corporate America.Hey, Bill, let me tell you why I effing hate corporate America,especially Verizon, exclamation point.
01:21:52They sold me a Blackberry that recently, for the fifth time,the keyboard wouldn't work.Couldn't make or answer calls, and couldn't do anything.Each time it would happen, I'd go to Verizon.They would fix it for me.But the last time, a few weeks ago,a buddy of mine in the Army was called the daybefore he shipped off to Iraq.
01:22:08And I was unable to answer the call.Jesus, that sounds like a lifetime movie.I can't answer the phone.I need to say goodbye.So I went to Verizon furiously, as you should have,demanding an explanation on why they sold me such a shitty phone.They told me that they could do, was replace itwith the same model phone in which my response was,
01:22:31all you'd be doing is giving me a shinier piece of shit.God bless you.God bless you.That's exactly what you should have said.And then you should have taken the phoneand buried it inside of his head, and blamed him for that design,as if he designed it.All right, leading me, and this basically led him to sign up
01:22:49with AT&T, and now Verizon wants to charge mewith $125 early termination fee.I've been arguing my case with them on the phone,trying to explain to them that if I still had Verizon,I wouldn't be able to make this phone call.They kept telling me that they understand why I'm upset,in which my response was great.So if you understand why you still ask for my money,
01:23:12and basically, there is no way that I'm going to buckleand give it in to them.Good.Good for you.I keep calling them, disputing them.I'll keep calling them, disputing them for two yearsif I have to.To me, it's a matter of principle,
01:23:25because what pisses me off is how these corporations areallowed to conduct business.You know, I don't even need to read the rest.It's exactly, exactly, that they're bigger than you,and they have more money than you, and they can wait you out,and then they can send you shit to a collection agency,because you're the little guy.And they know that you're not going to do that.
01:23:44This is what you want to do.You want to, you got to do that old school thing,just go, I want to speak to a manager,and you keep going up the ladder,asking to speak to somebody above them,get everybody's name, keep using words like ridiculousand outrageous, like, this is ridiculous,this is outrageous, and just do it the way
01:24:07like an old lady would, and just don't get off the phone,don't ever curse.If you never curse, then they can't hang up on you.I'm full of shit, I don't know what to do.You know what, go burn down their fucking buildingor something, but I'm sorry, man,I really didn't answer that question well,but I got to go in and do this meeting, so whatever.
01:24:32Thanks for listening to the Monday Morning Podcast.I know this was really short, but hey,we had a nice yelling match with a potential yelling matchwith another person in the car,which turned out to be friendly.How bad did you guys want that to escalate into violence?You know you did, and you could have heard meget my ass kicked.
01:24:51I think I just rolled down the windowlike I've ever taken a karate class.It was fucking ridiculous, but fortunately,shit didn't go down that way.So anyways, it was very short, very exciting,TJ Hooker episode of the Monday Morning Podcast.Keep listening, please keep sending the questionsand that is it, God bless all of you.
01:25:11Please come and see me at Carolines in New York Citythe first week in December and that is it.And I apologize to the guy who I thought hit my car,but really didn't if he's a podcast listener.All right, dude, that's it.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, take it easy, bye.All right, take it easy, bye.
01:25:28All right, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.
01:30:08All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.
01:33:37All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.
01:37:37All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.All right, guys, take it easy, bye.Feeler Rose Joy from NS Noveltees.
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