Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-21

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Bill rambles about F is For Family Season 5, sleeping in public, and polygamist ex-wives. Music Interlude: Night Moves - Fallacy Actually | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXLdTrQXzX4 Thursday Afternoon Podcast 0:00-38:23 NFL Week 11 BetMGM Preview 38:24 - 1:03:17 Throw Back Nov 11, 2013 - 1:03:17 - 2:19:49 Roman:  www.getRoman.com/BURR NOOM: Sign up for your trial at Noom.com/MMP  SIMPLISAFE.com/burr for 50% off your entire system Stamps.com | Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale Try Liquid Death, available in stores or go to www.liquiddeath.com  

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What's going on? How are you? How you hanging in there? I'm fucking hanging in there. I got my last road date. God damn it. I was in St. Louis, Denver, Minneapolis, Reno, San Jose, Atlanta, Long Beach, fucking somewhere else. I know I missed something. Detroit, Milwaukee, and now I'm in Vegas. Then this fucking run is done. It's over. I get to chill out, come back and enjoy Thanksgiving week. I'm very, very thankful to be doing that. I will be doing some Prestor in the week because you know, show business never sleeps. F is for family. Season five is coming out.

You think I know the date? Is it November? I thought it was a day after Thanksgiving or is it on Thanksgiving? I don't know. It's coming out this week. The last one, we wrap it up, people. We wrap it up with the Murphy family. F is for family season five. What do we got here? F is for family season five. F is for family season five. Why won't you just say when it's coming out? Season five. Jesus Christ. Date. November 25th, bam, bam, bam. The fifth and final one. Very proud of this series and I was psyched that they let us know that this was the last season so we could, you know, we thought we were going to do another season.

We would have ended it with some sort of cliffhanger, but instead we got to wrap it up. So it'll be very satisfying, hopefully with the fans. And if it isn't, then we will wear the tortures over. I love people when they get mad at a season finale, like a series finale. Well, that wasn't satisfying at all. Like, how much is it really the show? Like, was the series finale not satisfying, you know, to that level or is it really that your life isn't that satisfying? And now that this show is over, you don't have a new show to distract you from the things that you need. You know you need to take care of it and you're not taking care of them.

And all of a sudden you're just, you're just not looking at the TV and you're just looking around the room. You're looking at your life. TV turns off and you catch a reflection on the flat screen. Is that me? What the fuck happened to me, right? Like in one of those, those crazy movies that that fucking guy makes there, the Mulholland Drive guy. Did I tell you I watched Racerhead? I finally saw that thing, man. David Sumpter, I just can't imagine if you hit that guy, like telling his parents, what the fuck is this thing here? I literally slid the finger, you know, on my little thing here on my laptop. And all of a sudden this thing fucking comes up and says, what can I help you with?

Well, you can first of all, you can introduce yourself. Who the fuck are you? And it starts, everything I'm saying, it's like voice texting, like right across the screen. Goddamn things. What did I say, Racerhead? Racerhead, the original, directed by David Lynch. Jesus Christ, I bet after a Racerhead when they, hey, you want to go see, I got made another movie, you want to come down. You know what, I just realized I had something to do. I just want to know what we did wrong. Do you make these movies because of us?

Is it something we did? Were you born this way? Can you just let us know what it is, David? Yeah, anyway, so yeah, season five, F is for family, wrapping it up. You know, thanks to Gommart, Netflix, Mike Price, and everybody who made it happen. What a ride. Vince Vaughn being a billy's late. Victoria Vaughn, it lifts a million people, all right. Mo Collins, forgot to give her a shout out last week. There's a million people that worked on the show. So thank you to everyone. And I hope you guys, I hope you enjoy it. I hope you enjoy it.

And then my life, I think I want to say is going to slow down a little bit because I've been on the road and I'll tell you something. Going to the airport, walking by the Cinnabuns and the fucking doll of goddamn. The fuck was that noise? I swear to God, everybody on my fucking block is redoing their goddamn house. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. If I'm not hearing the sound of a fucking leaf blower, somebody's got a jackhammer. I'm going nuts. You know, I'm a comedian. I try to take my old man nap during the day. I got young kids, right?

My son goes down for his nap. My daughter, you know, she's at school. I fucking, I try to take a nap. I just, you know, I'm a light sleeper. I'm not a relaxed guy. I don't know if you guys know that. I was always envious of those people. They could just fucking sleep in a train station. Like you ever see somebody and you're like, is that person homeless or are they one of those people that can just sleep anywhere? You know, you know, those people you get on a plane and before people even done boarding, they're already asleep. You know, like a dog, you know, dogs do that. The second then I don't have to chase anything. They're not worried about intruders.

They're just their eyes get heavy and their body just shuts down. And they go to sleep. And I never understood that until I started getting acting work. And they'd be like, all right, you have a little break. Just go back to your trailer for a second. You'd be like, all right, and you'd sit in your trailer and for like three minutes and all of a sudden you're like, oh my, I could sleep for fucking eight hours right now. I think your body just, that goes back to like caveman days. Where like at any second, you know, some predator could just come into the cave and you had to run for your fucking life. So if the coast was clear, your body's like, all right, well, if we're not going to be, there's no reason for us to up like a laptop.

We're going to power down now and save the battery life because God forbid, God forbid. I was always amazed at people that could do shit like that. I never could do that shit. I'm a fucking, I'm a light sleeper. You know, anything happens. I fucking my eyes open up and then I'm walking downstairs with that. My little mini fucking, whatever I, you know, golf club, a fucking bat, whatever I have underneath there. Whatever blunt object I can fucking find. You know, oh God, is anything worse than having to fight in your underwear? Never had it done. I've never had to do that, but I would just think that that's, you just got to feel so exposed.

That's another reason why the fucking UFC and professional fighters are so tough is they fight in their underwear. You know, just walking. I mean, the boxes don't, they come in with their shorts on, you know, those hooker boots, right? But like the fucking UFC people, they come in there like bare, they literally look like, you know what's amazing? If you ever broke into a fucking UFC fighters fucking house at night. I mean, they're just ready to go. I mean, not only do they have the training, they're dressed the same way they do when they go into the fucking octagon. I mean, just how fucked you are. Man, they must sleep great, provided they didn't have a fight that night, you know what I mean? Or that week or whatever, however long it takes them to recover.

You know, if you got a black belt and something, you know, but then again, you are going to sleep. And if you do combat all the time, there's people always attacking you. Maybe you become nervous to sleep. I don't know how it works. I don't know if you know this about you, about me guys. I was never in the professional fight game. I know that surprises you. I know that's something where you're kind of like, well, hey, Bill, you know, the way you, you know, describe fat people at airports, I would have thought you had some sort of martial arts background. Well, surprisingly not, you know, I'm full of surprised people. It's not the case. So I've been on the road and hit the elliptical and doing all of that shit, but I'm sort of on a holding pattern, trying to lose weight.

I mean, you just can't fucking lose weight if you go on the road. You can maintain. That's the best I've been able to do. And then I tweaked my fucking shoulder. Once again, I didn't fuck it up again. I just tweaked it. So I just had somebody work it out for me. Hey, work it out. Okay, baby. All right. I get all fucking frustrated with it and shit. So, I don't know, so back to the drawing board. So now I have to lower the weight that I'm using. And it's just like, I don't know, I have a couple of dumb bets out there that I think I'm going to lose. Okay, I have a bet with Paul Verzi that when I turn 70, I'm going to, I'm going to be able to do 10, 10 fucking pull ups.

I mean, he could have won that bet if I said I'd be able to do it at 50 and I made the bet when I was like 47. And the second I made that bet, I don't know what happened. My shoulders just went on me. So trying to work my way back. And then I have another bet. I have a bet that at some point Kyler Murray is going to have a weight issue, something about his face. I don't know what it is. I just think it's going to be a moment when in the next five years where they're going to say, you know, he put on some weight during the offseason. He could have been in better shape. I don't know what I just need him to if he wins MVP or a couple of playoff games. I don't know what it is. I'm just, I look at his face and he just, I see it in there. I actually made a bet with somebody about that. Those are my two dumb bets. You got any dumb bets out there?

You know, what's the dumbest thing you ever gambled on? You know, I made money on Verzi. We went to the Masters in 2010 and we were gambling on the Turtles. We were on like, I don't forget what hole we were on. It's the one that has the water right in front of the hole. No, really, Bill, it's probably most of them. It's after Armand Corner and there's a par three right after it, perpendicular to it. I used to know what hole it was. 15 or something like that. And I think that the par three was at 16, I think. I don't know what. But we were sitting there just waiting for him to come through. And there were Turtles sitting on rocks and we were gambling. Which turtle would go on the water next, which was really easy. It's like the one with the driest shell. And, you know, Paul wasn't, you know, he wasn't good at it. He's Italian, you know, they like stuff that's shiny. They gravitate towards that. Everything's got to be fucking right, you know, furniture, the rug, the carpet, white leather, you know, pristine, you know.

So I think he saw that shine on the, I wish he was here to hear this. He saw the shell and it was like, it was glittering like the chain around his neck and he just couldn't lay off. And I actually made some money on that. I really have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about right now. Oh, another thing, I watched the rough cut of my potential special from Red Rocks. Oh my God, if you want to fucking hate yourself, watch yourself for a good hour and a half on a rough cut that isn't color corrected. And the site isn't mixed or anything. It sounds like you're bombing. They have the crowd super low. And, oh my God, I walked out of there. I was like, I don't know if I've ever been funny in my life. And everybody's like, no, dude, it's great. It's great. I'm telling you, it's great. We're going to mix it.

Everything will have fucking great. That's what everything is. I remember talking to this guy the first time he ever made a movie. I was a movie. I was a fan of it. I met this director and he goes, you know what's funny about that? That was my first movie. And when I looked at the initial rough cut, he goes, I thought I had ruined my life. Because he, oh, he's making an independent movie after having done some studio things. And he was so like distraught that he got off the subway and left the cut of the movie on the train. I never had. There must not have been the master or something like that. I don't know what he just left it on the fucking train.

Oh shit. So anyway, I got through with those. I was psyched. They used to take me, you know, in my early specials, this is the level of self-loathing that I had that it would take me like, and this is back, I just had to look at an hour of stuff. And I would be like, all right, I'm going to do like 12 minutes a day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I'll be done by Friday. And I would literally do that. And I would watch and I would think I would feel like I was coming up on 10 minutes and I'd only watched three minutes. I mean, it was fucking. I don't know what it was. It was bananas. Like I could literally could not. I couldn't handle it. And now I've gotten to the point. I sat down and I watched all of this shit, granted, because I was watching it with other people.

So I was like, all right. And I just kept staring at the time code. 17 minutes. Look at my head. God, I'm old. I mean, that's all you're thinking. You can't hear the fucking jokes. It's so it's a fucking but I got through it. So now the fun part, you know, I made some notes and stuff and we're going to tighten the thing up and then you lock it. This is what we want. And then they color correct it and then they make it look great. You're like, oh my God, I do like myself. Liquid death, everybody. I love liquid death. Good for them. Good for them doing something about these water bottles.

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Oh, Billy, fucking bags under the ice. It's got one show Friday, one show Saturday. And then I'm hanging around to go to the Raiders. The formerly Oakland, Los Angeles, back to Oakland, Raiders. I'm going to that. And I think they're in the perfect town. The perfect town for where the fan base dresses up and all of that shit. The Vegas, you know, they should have some fucking, you know, they should bring some Vegas showgirls out, you know, with a patch over their eye.

Looking like truck stop whores. That's what I would do, get a little theme going. Vegas loves the theme. No, that's not why they're in the perfect location. They're in the perfect location because they were in Oakland, they were in LA, then back to Oakland, and now they move to Vegas. And if you look on your maps, boys and girls at home, that creates a triangular shape of fans, right? LA fans. Oakland fans never gave up the Raiders when they went down to LA.

They still fucking were watching them. They hated that they moved. And then when they came back, they loved them even more. They brought them back and then they left again. Oakland was like dating a stripper and they didn't realize it, right? LA still loves the Raiders. So you got two cities that still love them and then they're in Vegas. So every fucking drunk that's going out there for his bachelor party is like, dude, let's schedule my bachelor party around the fucking weekend when the Raiders are playing my team.

Yeah, I was trying to get tickets. It was really fucking hard. Not a lot of tickets. Not a lot of tickets available out there. Granted, it is the, you know, maybe people will take them for granted after a while. Can you imagine if they fucking move again? You know, you know, I think they go next. Probably Grand Junction, Ohio, not coming to Colorado, but they probably end up in Salt Lake City and that would be fucking hilarious.

You know, all those Flanders looking white people out there trying to look like pirates. All of those holier than thou fucking guys with the come white hair and the fucking, you know, nine wives. They all got a shit up, you know, big debt stating what it would have to be if everybody brought their wives. They probably don't do that, you know, they probably bring like, you know, whoever, whatever wife was the best that week to the jazz game. You know, if you're going to do that, you better make a better loaf of bread if you want to go to that. I'm sorry. You know, well, you know, I don't know. Don't tell me, show me.

Wife number four has been crushing it. You need to be more like her. Then all of a sudden wife number four, he gets really sick. I don't know where because wife number seven poisoned her because she's fucking jealous. She wants to see John Morant that weekend. Just slippery slope having more than one wife. You've seen the real housewives. Can you imagine having nine of those fucking things?

You can do it in Utah. I don't think they have cell phones out there yet where you can really just fucking rule with an iron fist. Let's look up domestic violence in Utah. This would be a great Google show. Do Mormons beat their wives? All right. Mormon settlement fund, BSA sexual abuse claims. All right.

That's pretty pedestrian. You see that in every state. Lassu filed verse Mormon church. Get to a major victory, sexual abuse attorneys. Oh, look at this. Dude, you know those Mormons? They just stole that from us Catholics. Fucking unoriginal people.

Let's do something else. What's 75 years in the Mormon church taught me about assault? Taught you. You were in it for 75 years. What? You finally figured it out. The most shocking thing about the outing of Rob Porter this week. When is this from?

2018. Who's Rob Porter? That just sounds like a Utah name, huh? How you doing Rob? Rob Porter, real estate. This week is that not that there is another accused wife batterer in the White House. The fuck is this? It's who did the outing?

His Mormon ex-wives. Oh my God. Why didn't they all gang up on him? Mormon women, pretty. Why are you blaming the victim? I'm just saying. You know what I mean? He wakes up one morning.

You guys are all standing at the top of the hill behind the house like fucking Braveheart. Ladies, ladies, relax. Well, I'm sorry. He just fucking kicked his ass. Mormon women pretty reliably show up in comedy and drama as naive, passive and sweet mothers. Gentle women who do not take the reins in blowing up an abuser and a criminal. Yeah, that's because the scripts are written by Hollywood liberals. She couldn't be a strong woman if she puts up with that.

In bringing down Porter, Jenny Willoughby. Oh, Willoughby. Jenny Willoughby and Colby Holderness. Are these real names? Defied their church bishops who had dismissed their allegations about he punched and choked them and instead went public. They shared photographs indeed to good for them of the alleged abuse and refused to back down even in the face of a president who doubts them. Oh, this was that Trump hate. I mean, let's try to fucking keep it where it belongs.

All right, with your fucking husband here. Rob Porter. Let's see what old Rob Porter is doing now. Rob Porter, Utah today. You know, I recently got remarried, you know, the four women putting my life back together. Well, let's see here. Would you look at this fucking guy? I can see him.

You can look at the back of his neck. He can tell he gets angry. Robert Roger Porter is an American lawyer and former political. Let's get to the controversy. Personal life, domestic abuse allegations. The more sections you have on your fucking Wikipedia, the worse it gets. Rob Porter, they just sort of breaks it down. Then it's political career, personal life, domestic abuse allegations.

All right, in late November, 2017, a girlfriend of Porter's alerted her friend, White House counsel, Don McGahn, regarding Porter's anger problems. Porter's ex-wife, Oh, Willoughby had sought and received a three day emergency protective order against him in June 2010. So they had to put up with this for another seven years. Photographs of holding this with a black eye in her detailed accounts of Porter's alleged abuse were also made public. Oh my God, dude, that's just like let him go to sleep, get a fucking skillet, and then put him in the backyard. Despite their testimonies and evidence presented, Porter denied his ex-wife's allegations. They were fighting with each other.

How was it work and resigned from his staff? She got kicked by a fucking oxen and resigned from his staff secretary post after they became public. Oh, Willoughby stated, I don't want to be married to him. I would not recommend anyone to date him or marry him, but I definitely want him. Wait, but I definitely want him in the White House and the position he is in. I think his integrity and ability to do the job is impeccable. She's protecting that alimony. That doesn't make any sense.

You wouldn't want to date the guy or be married to him because he'll kick the shit out of you woman, but I would love him to be in the White House because I think his integrity and his ability to do the job are impeccable. Well, you know, hats off to her for being able to separate the man at home versus the man at work. Porter resigned from his position as White House staff secretary. I don't even remember this. I guess this is an old story. Porter said the allegations are false and are part of a coordinated smear campaign. By what? His wives?

The Washington Post reported that the White House Council thought him again as known since January. All right. Wow. I mean, that's a fucking, that's a situation, man. You got all those wives and then you start smacking them around. You got to eventually know they're coming for the crown, right? You can't do that. You got to be a sweetheart. Oh my God.

More than one. Oh my God. If I had like four wives, I would just wake up in the morning and just be like, hey, ladies, how's it going? Yeah, everybody looks lovely. No one more so than the other. What are you guys feeling like you'd like for breakfast? No, no, don't get up. Don't get up.

You feel an old meal. You want pancakes? Some little sugary? You want eggs? Savory? Crush breakfast and then I get the fuck out of there. You know, do the dishes and I would get the fuck out of there. Then I come home, you know, after working all day to support their four fucking mouths, right?

And then the first thing I would ask them is I would ask them how their day was. I think I could hold that front up for about three days. And before I would just be like, listen, you guys ever see flavor of love? All right, that's right. I forgot. I didn't allow you guys to watch TV. Well, it was a reality show on VH1. Where Flavor Flav had to choose between like 10 or 12 women.

You know, I'd like to get picked that show up here at home in about episode 11 when he was down to four women. Okay, here's the deal. I still want to be married, but not to all of you. All right. One of you guys is going to win. All depends on your behavior over the weekend. All right. Now here's the deal.

Sex is off the table. It's too fucking easy. Okay, if it's just going to be sex, I'm still going to be married to all four of you on Monday. Okay, what I'm looking for right now. Stop crying. What I'm looking for is the intangibles. Sorry, that's me as a fucking. Is it a polygamist?

A polygamist. All right. Monogamist. Okay. Well, that's the podcast everybody. Everybody. Yeah. Yeah.

Who is that? Move your body. Yeah. Yeah. Backstreet boys. All right. Whatever the fuck it was. All right.

That's the podcast. But before we go, we have me and Paul Verzi's bet MGM segment here where we talk about our picks and all that. And our little gambling thing there. And after that, we'll have a bonus episode, half hour episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts from a greatest hits one from a, I don't know, a Thursday about a year ago. I don't know. A couple of years ago. I don't know who does it. All right.

Thank you guys. And enjoy the bet MGM. What's up everybody. It is week 11 of the NFL and we are back with our bet MGM NFL segment here guys bet MGM this season. As you know, the anything better podcast is teamed up with them. We're having such a great time. We'll be using bet MGM lines, the best lines, the most reliable lines to make all of our picks and we'll have special offers for our listeners each week. If you haven't signed up yet, we've got a special offer for our listeners right now.

Sign up for a new bet MGM account. Use the code word burr. Okay. B U R R could not be more easy and you'll get $50 free bet just by signing up. You're going to get $50 just by signing up. Go to the app, sign up, use B U R R as the code. And that's it guys. You don't need, you don't even need to make a deposit.

Dude, they're just giving you money. All right, to get in the game, Paul. Yes. If you haven't signed up for bet MGM yet, use a bonus code burr B U R R. You'll get $50 free to bet used for this week's game. Now, apparently we messed up last week. We thought it was the week nine. We messed up as week 10 as far as just telling people people are hitting us up going it's week 10 because there's a bye week.

That was, that was the issue. Okay. Now, we had an interesting. I thought we messed up because I went oh and four last week. Well, you did something that's never been done before since we've been doing this Jimmy the Greek thing. You did the unimaginable and then, and then followed it with the unforgivable, which is almost being carried off the field on on people's shoulders a week ago. And then last week, now, now I'm like, I'm like, Ed, oh, you're on. I won the title.

You know, I'm from the state. Yo, like me. I'm going to be here forever. Two years later, right? Get the fuck out of here. I feel like the way you did it was better. It kind of like you said, it's a game of runs. You just showed how you could give it back.

It's like going to know what happened. Paul, I talked shit. That's what happened. I go look at me against the spread now like these guys on the money line and then the way is it? Oh, yeah, Bill. Slap, slap, slap, slap. Oh, and four. And I hate this week.

I couldn't. I couldn't fucking spot a winner. All right. Well, here's the thing. If you guys, if you guys are paying attention and following me and Bill, which I know that you are, this is how tight the race is right now. Myself, Paul Verzi is 20 and 20 after 40 picks. And my guy, Bill Burr is 2019 and one.

He is remaining a half game lead because he has a push. And here, and here's the good thing, Bill. We are still 500 or above week. Bear, I'm not talking anymore. Shit. After this week, I don't know about this one. Paul, what's hilarious to me is that it's almost 11 o'clock in the morning and your eyes are puffy like you got up at 5 a.m.

Did you know me? Nobody sleeps like Paul. I mean, no, I was out called. I was, I was sleeping like an angel. I was sleeping on the West Coast. I look more awake than you. I know. I was sleeping like an angel.

The alarm went off. What are you going to do? I don't know what it is. I'll tell you what you're going to do. You get both your damn kids up and make them fucking pancakes. That's what you're going to do as your wife then comes down the stairs. I forgot you had a podcast. I could reheat these later.

That's why they outlive us, Paul. All right. All right. I love her, man. She's the best. You get first pick. All right. I'm going to take Joe Burroughs.

Going out to Vegas minus one at the radius. Wow. You're not taking the Patriots. No, because I know what's going to happen. Okay. Paul, you're still going to ride that train. Now everybody knows what the fuck they are. They've won a row.

Who the hell is coming into town? I don't like their line actually. No, they're playing to take the Patriots. Paul, what are you trying to do to me? Huh? You trying to make me go 018? You motherfucker. All right.

Go ahead. If somebody goes eight in a row wrong, they should just pitch to be over. It's a game over. You go eight in a row, dude. You go all in for two weeks in a row. It's called the shot in the head. Something. We got to have the something.

All right. Here we go. No, if you go all in for two weeks in a row, you're done. No, but then that ends the game. It's got to be something. You got to, you have to do something. We'll figure it out. Yeah.

It's an instant cash prize to the other guy. If you go eight and if you go for the unforgivable two weeks in a row, it's an instant 500 bucks to the other guy. All right. I like that. Yeah. And there's an asterisk next to your name, even if you win. You get the Roger Maris asterisk.

That's fucking hilarious. All right. I like that. I'm on the hot seat, Paul. And I don't see a winner this week. All right. So you're taking Joe Burroughs and the Cincinnati bangles. Bangles.

Yes. You said it right. Not the bangles. The bangles. All right. God. Are the Raiders done? She do now.

We're at the place where I don't know what a team is anymore. Cam Newton comes back and starts winning. I mean, what the hell's going on in the end? They're running the Wildcat. Cam Newton, did they forget the guy knows how to throw the ball? Yeah, it's true. Guys got a great arm. I don't know what I don't know what they're doing.

Cam Newton up the gut. Cam Newton around the side. It was so funny. They were trying to get rid of the guy. They were scrubbing his face out all the photos like fucking Joseph Stalin. Or is it Joseph, Paul? I'm going to take. You haven't looked at these fucking things.

No, I have. I really, I literally opened it this morning. All right. I'm going to take the San Francisco 49ers against the Jaguars because San Francisco, the way they looked, the way they looked against the Rams on Monday night was incredible. The defense was all over the place. Did somebody come back? Jimmy G.

That was a different team, man. That was a different team. I'm going to, I'm going to see if, and I think if San Francisco is going to make a run, now's the time where they put it into fifth gear. I'm taking the Niners minus six and a half on the road against the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars. I'm staying away from the Jaguars for the rest of the year. Every time I bet them, I've lost.

All right. I'm taking the chiefs minus two and a half at home against the Cowboys. I don't think the chiefs are as bad as everybody's saying. I think the Cowboys always fall apart this time of year. It's just what they do. It's just, I don't know. Paul, I'm, I'm literally, I'm swinging in the dark here. I like the chiefs at the chiefs at home minus two and a half.

I think Andy Reed does that. Oh, Jesus. Andy Reed this time of year. Oh, Andy Reed. I mean, I know that one year he had a good time. No, this is good for him. He'll get you to the fucking conference game. And once every 20 years, he gets to Super Bowl.

I don't think this is one of those times. All right. I'm going to. Why did Andy Reed have to take a couple of hits there? Cause I'm not sure about my bet. Is that what it is? Okay. Go ahead.

What do you got? Yeah. That was such a projection of your insecurity of that bet. I was already yelling at Andy Reed for not winning the bet. The only thing you didn't do is call him a fat piece of shit during that. Well, I'm considering I put on this COVID weight. I can't really call anybody a fat. I'm going to take the Carolina Panthers minus three at home against Washington.

Cam Newton's back. He's going against his old coach. They seem to be rejuvenated and I like the three points. And what do you think about the team from Washington last week? When they raped Tom Brady in the fucking Buccaneers. I had the Buccaneers just straight up kicked the shit out of them. You're not buying it. No, it's just a weird things are happening weird right now.

So this is literally shot in the dark, but I'm take them minus three. Okay. All right. I'm going to take the Steelers getting five and a half in San Diego. That's a fucking great pick. Fuck. That's a great pick, Bill. Well, I mean, it's been a while since I've had a great pick, Paul.

Oh my God. Do I take the do I take the Tennessee Titans given 10 and a half against the fucking Texans? Oh, such a weird game. Henry's out for the rest of the year. All right, dude. If Henry's in that game, you're going to bet that, but the line's going to go up, obviously. Yeah, dude, I'm really this week is this is a tough one, man. The fuck.

No, dude, you're right. This is what I sounded like on when I took my SATs. Yeah, this is a tough one. I'm going B. You know, I got like an 840 combined. Did you? And I took a I took a I took an SAT prep course, too. I'm supposed to increase your score by, I don't know how many points to get you into those.

One of those schools, you know, where white kids wear loafers. Here we go. You ready? I'm going to ride this train. I'm going to go division rival. I'm stupid. I'm going to ride this fucking train. I'm going division rival.

I am ride in the Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rogers came back, looked phenomenal after that whole COVID thing. He's playing in Minnesota, but the line is only one and a half. I'm going to take Green Bay minus one and a half. Oh, I'm taking all points. This is set up. You know what's funny, Paul? My division rivalry thing.

I think division rivalry and you're getting points at home. I like the Vikings plus one and a half going head to head, Paul. Oh, okay. All right. There you go. Oh, I was sitting at Winston going, ah, shit. I knew once you said division rivalry and I knew you loved the Packers. I'm like, he's not going to go.

He's not going to go rogue on me and pick the, and pick the Vikings. Was that all four? Are we done? I'm done. I think you got one more. Oh, I got one more. All right. I'll tell you what's a weird game that bills colts.

Is it 10? That's seven. Seven. And they, Carson Wentz can fucking score points. Is that who's their quarterback is? He can score points. The bills are like, they were like covering area bills. Well, I was riding the Buffalo train.

And then all of a sudden they go to Jacksonville. Yeah. Then all of a sudden they just fucking, they're not covering in the bill. The Steelers are actually plus six and a half. I think you had said five and a half. Just want to clarify that for the listeners. Oh, nice. I got to get my glasses.

So I have them pro. Paul, what do you think about that Miami, New York Jets game? What do you think about that? I was looking at the Miami, New York Jets. It's a division rival. What are you helping him out for? Jesus Christ. No, it's not help.

I just curious what he thinks. All right. What do you got? I picked the Jets twice. He picked Miami once. I'm curious. Sorry. I'm a little defensive.

Hey, listen, I got a gun to my head here. Can I take my New York? Can I take my New York Giants on Monday night football? I mean, that spreads an insult to the Giants. That spread as an insult to defensive minded. You're egging me on you motherfucker. No, who, who are they playing? Fucks after a bad loss.

I know. And they're like a double digit underdog at home. The Giants are coming off a buy. No, it's in Tampa. Oh, it's in Tampa, dude. You know, it's all about in Tampa. I mean, what do they got in Tampa? They got a basic stadium with that stupid boat.

They got a ship. Yeah. Yeah. Is it really like, it looks like a fucking, you know, water world place. Bill, you're right about, you're right about the weird game cults bills, but here's another weird one. Cardinal Seahawks, two and a half point spread. Two, two Hertz superstar quarterbacks.

Well, I'll tell you right now, I'm staying away from the Seahawks. I haven't watched what's his face last week throwing. He definitely that finger is messed up. He had some of the worst throws I've seen of his career. I'm going to take my New York football Giants. You know what? I've taken them five times this year and I'm three and two with them with the spread. I'm going to take my New York football Giants Monday night football coming back from a buy

week. I think I'm not saying we're going to win the game, but I like the 10 and a half points. I'm going to take the job. I'm going to start that game up 10 points. How about that? Is it 10 or 10 and a half? It's 10 and a half. But you're I'm going to have to Barclay could eat up some time on the clock.

Yep. And then your best bet is they go up by a couple of scores with a few minutes left and then you get the fucking ball back and then they go down the field. I dude, how many games I lost this year? Having the favorite. There's nothing worse than when the favorites up by two scores with three minutes left and the other team gets the fucking ball. It's like, oh, there they go.

They're just going to give up a touchdown in 90 seconds and there it is. Two point conversion and fuck you freckles. All right. That's it. That's for the week. That's the picks for the week. Guys, please remember to go to bet MG. Oh, we got to do a Monday night special.

You got to do the song. Monday night special. Get some money for you back. I love what you did. Let the Monday night special. And by the way, I want to tell the listeners as much as me and Bill are in a competition here, I want us to be 500. Like it means a lot to me.

You know me. Oh, Bill, you know, I loved it when we especially we're doing the show. I love that me and Bill are with the fucking analysts right now. So I don't care so much about analysts. Don't pick against the money line. Do they? Oh, they fucking do. I think that's the spread of me.

They picked the money line. Oh, I love last week. I love last week when Nate Burson picked up the Packers over the Patriots. I love that because when I did inside the NFL, he gave the Patriots a shot for cheating. So now, you know, I, you know, he was just messing around, but I'm like, he hates the Patriots. This guy hates the Patriots. He's a great dude. He's kind of mine.

Great dude. Huh? Nate Burson. Great dude. I just told you what he said about my home team and he's still a friend of yours. That's how it is, Paul. This is a civilian loyalty. No, he was just kidding around, but I was sitting there.

I him and somebody else both picked the both picked the Cleveland Browns against Bill Belichick in November. Dude, I don't even want to get into the fucking cheating. It's so ridiculous. It's such a fucking. Well, this is not getting to it, but this Monday night special bill and I want to let everybody know that me and Bill have done a Monday night special four weeks in a row and we had two hits in a row, 2,800 people, one money, two weeks ago.

And then a week ago, 30 something with 3,200 people went with us and we hit that. And unfortunately we did lose. We had two or three out of the, we didn't have the fucking Niners. We're not going to win it every week. So that's good. It's going to be lost next week. So who knows? Maybe we're hitting here.

We're going to go three, three for four, Paul. Like fucking Wade Boggs on a matinee way back in the day. But here's the thing, Bill. Here's the thing. It's a 10 point line with the Bucks and Giants. So do we stay away from the money line? This is a tough one. It's a tough box and Giants.

Oh man, I hate this game. Mine is 10 and a half. Do you want to do Brady to throw two? Well, Bruce Aaron's called them a stupid football team. Yeah. So I think they're probably going to respond. They did get their butts kicked. They're coming home.

Saquon Barclays back. Coming off a win. Giants are coming off a win and defense look pretty good. Pretty good doesn't cut it. If the Giants are in a wild card hunt and I think they need this game. So do you want to take the points or no? Or you think that you think the Eli was playing? This is when you guys come on.

I don't know about Jones. What's your guys name? Jones. Bob Jones. Daniel. Daniel. Dan Jones. Dude, Bob Jones sounds like a fucking insurance salesman.

Sounds like a defensive player of the year for the Sixers to me. All right, Brady. How about this? Brady throwing two? Should we put that in there or no? Two touchdowns? Yeah. All right.

Brady throwing two. Brady throws two. OK. Then it gets difficult. Oh, this is a tough game. You guys usually don't touch the over-under, but... What's the over-under? 42 and a half.

Seems a little low. It does seem low. I was thinking that's interesting. Yeah. You know what? I think you go low. My instinct said to go low. Go low.

Yeah. Oh, boy. All right. I know. You know why, Paul? Because that's what everybody fucking thinks. OK. You know what?

Let's do that. I love... Brady's going to throw two touchdowns, but the under's coming in. That's a fucking crazy bet. I like it. This just feels to me like one of those stupid 20 to 17 games. All right. All right.

Brady to throw two. Under. We'll take the under 42. And then what's the third? And then 32. Oh, 42 and a half. So 42. OK.

So 42 we win. All right. And what do you want the third one to be? We need a fun one. Because I know the fans like a fun one. They like to turn over onside kick. A fake punt. Dude, should we do something wild?

I mean, this is wild, but the money would be huge. And now it's too risky. I was going to say... What do you got? I was going to say a safety. But that's just too risky. That's just too risky. Dude, the money...

The time they get a safety, they say that it's on the fucking half yard line. I hate that shit. I know. I know. It's forward momentum. A fan runs out on the field. What's the line on that? Oh, my God.

You better win 15 grand if that happens. How about a field goal over 50 yards? 49 and a half. The over under is 49 and a half. Oh, yeah. 49 and a half. I love the under. OK.

So take the 49 and a half. I love the under. And I love Brady getting two. And all right. Does Daniel Jones scramble for one for a touchdown? Oh, I like it. I like it. Does he fall down?

Paul, is he going to cross the goal line? Oh, he's been running good, man. I mean, I think if they're at the five, he'll do a boot leg and definitely try to. OK. They're at the five. He's a short distance runner, that guy. Do you want to do that one or do you want to? Ronnie had looked like me back in the day when you were drinking in the woods

and you ran from the cops. Thank God they scored on that drive. That's all I have to say. Thank they scored like two plays later. Thank God. Yeah. New York quarterbacks, man. Brady two touchdowns.

Brady two touchdowns. Butt fumbling, face planting. Oh, remind me of that white guy that dunked and held onto the rim and then his body flipped. It was it was one. Although Eli, though, Eli, Eli saved it. When I pick a month note, you're not picking money line winners on this one. You want to just keep it to the stats. Money line winner is just who we think is going to win the game.

Correct. Yeah. Now you can do. I think the fucking is one way, but I don't think I don't know. I don't know that they cover. I don't think they cover. Okay. All right.

So you. Okay. So you want to take the Giants, the money line or Buccaneers? I mean Giants. I mean, Buccaneers money line. Buccaneers money line only because we already had that one crazy one of Daniel Jones Russian. You got one nuts, one crazy one. Okay.

All right. That's it. There we go. All four, all four you want. So Brady two TDs under 49 and a half. Daniel Jones rushing touchdown bucks money line. Yeah. Fuck it.

All right. They better pay. What does that pay? I'll have calculated some of this stuff because they got to do it. They got a customer customer. All right, everybody. That's the Monday night special. That's the Monday night special guys.

Fucking week. 11 week. 11 is, oh my God. The NFL is going to be over soon. And it's going to be really fucking depressing when we're sitting here talking. Rocky and basketball. I'm just kidding. Oh, then you'll have March Madness comes like a month later.

Right. And then baseball season starts, right? Yeah. You get excited for baseball, Paul. NHL and NBA playoffs. I don't know what's going on with me and baseball. I could give a fuck. They're talking about Yankee moves and I'm like, whatever, dude, it's too long of a season.

Anyway, guys, go to bed. MGM if you want to get an account. I don't think that's what it is, Paul. Have fun with us. It's what I think the tide turn, you know, you seem to really give a shit when you guys were beating the shit out of the Red Sox every year and we were always choking. I now all of a sudden you're losing and then I'll, you know, I don't really care anymore. No, no, of course I care, but I'm not disappointed.

Paul, you know, I finally get a chance to be an obnoxious sports fan and then, you know, you just, you take your fucking ball and you go home. What the fuck was I saying? Yeah, that MGM guys go to the app. Use bonus code or bonus code. Is that the right bonus code? Use code, Burr, B, U, R, R, and they're going to give you 50 bucks on your first bet. There you go.

Have fun with us. We have people that have, by the way, I was at Skankfest. A guy runs up to me and says, dude, I love this. I love betting with you guys. I'm just having fun. There are people that are just putting $15, $20. They're having a good time. Sign up, go to the Monday night special with us.

Bet MGM is the most reliable. You guys know them. The lines are incredible. Enjoy the Monday night. Do it, Bill. The Monday night special. There you go. Over 3,000 people jumped on it last week.

Jump on it this week. Go to Bet MGM. Get the app. Use bonus code, Burr. Get 50 bucks. Have a good time. We are out of here, guys. Enjoy NFL week number 11.

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Hey, what's going on? It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November 18th, 2013. How the hell are you? How's it going? I'm going to try to fucking energy my way through the energy. We got to find ourselves a new kind of fuck-a-foo. I'm wiped out. Why are you wiped out, Bill?

All you do is jump around like a fucking monkey on stage. That's what you do for your money, for your legal tender. Well, you know what? I've been doing it in every fucking state in the goddamn union this year, and I'm wiped out. I have officially wiped the fuck out. I had a 620 AM flight out of Wichita, Kansas. Hey, wait. Do we have ourselves a bar burner down there last night?

And landed here at 738 on one of those little-ass fucking planes, because nobody goes to Wichita. Not directly, anyways. So I was on a little-ass plane. We landed on a little-ass plane. And you know what happens to little-ass planes? They don't get to pull up to the gate. Aw, you're too small. You're going to hurt yourself, little-ass plane.

So we're sitting out there on the fucking tarmac. Right? This is an old-school plane. They tried to paint it like a new United plane, but they still had the U that was from, you know, like the 70s. It was a fucking old-ass plane, okay? I don't know if they took it over to Gas Monkey Garage and they put a new fucking engine in it. I don't know what, but we made it. But it was one of those deals where they opened the door and the stairs are part of the fucking door.

So we walk out of that. And then we get on the goddamn plane, out of the plane, a bus, the bus to the fucking airport. The airport and the bags came up. Bullshit. So I am, but you know something? I completed the red state tour. All right? It was supposed to be a nice, wonderful summer jaunt through the red states of this country, through some of them.

By the way, there's a lot of people giving me shit going to Nebraska as a red state too. Iowa as a red state, it's a fucking red state. You know what? Go fuck yourself, okay? I got something for you. I got something for all you cunts out there who keep giving me shit. Why don't you fucking come to my, what do you got against my fucking state? What do you got against coming to one of my, I've been in over 50 cities, 50 goddamn cities.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do to try to find you fuckers. All right? You want to hear, want to hear a quick little rundown? You want to know what all these cities have in common? Honolulu, Seattle, Boise, Bozeman, San Francisco, San Jose, Los Angles, Burbank, Coachella, Palm Springs, Napa Valley, Santa Mine as Phoenix, Las Vegas, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Deadwood, El Paso, San Antonio, Austin, Dallas, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, Grand Rapids, Royal Oak, Chicago, Kansas City, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Huntsville, Morgantown, Philadelphia, Atlantic City, Red Bank, New York City, Montville, Newport, Hyattis, Boston, Hampton Beach,

Washington, J.C. Charleston, Atlanta, Athens, Birmingham, Tallahassee, Tampa, and Miami. And Tulsa and fucking Wichita. You know what they all have in common? I fucking dance like a monkey there for an hour. So if I didn't get you stay to your city, I don't know what the fuck else I got to do. I'm, I'm whapped out, as they say in, in Oklahoma, whapped. I was watching their local, um, or that the shopping network. You know, those things where like the husband's out working or something and the wife gets like addicted and just has to buy those

diamonds or whatever. And they had this cross and she goes, now look at this. This is genuine white gold. She kept going white. Right. White gold. White only. Hey, guess where the racism's from?

White's only dope. That's Boston. Right. White only. That's Tulsa, Oklahoma. At least that's where I watched it. And then lastly, whites only. That's a gay guy at a laundromat.

I'm sorry. It's a bad joke. Fuck you. I'm tired. Don't get the white. Don't get the whites messed in with the colors. Um, anyways, whatever this podcast is going to suck, but maybe it's going to be enjoyable because of how much it sucks. Uh, yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about this week.

Let's get, let's get right into a little bit of my tour. I just called 15 audibles. As I was saying, dragging that sentence out. Let's get into a little, by the way, you know, right now I'm not even supposed to be doing this podcast. I'm supposed to be talking to somebody from Reykjavik and I got to tell you Iceland. Well, the first guy had water damage. I called them up and sounded like it just happened. So we're rescheduling that one.

And then the other dude at 1030, I don't know what happened, man. I'm sitting here on the other side of the world eagerly awaiting your phone call. And what do I get? I get nothing. You know what somebody told me when I go over to that beautiful country of Iceland, you know, that country that stood up to the bankers. That country that I can't wait to go see. Somebody said it smells like sulfur because of that, uh, that volcanic eruption there, volcanic, the volcano eruption. Remember that one that blocked all the flights to and from Europe a few years ago.

It still smells like sulfur over there. And I don't know, I think that's kind of fucking cool to be that close to a live volcano. I can't fucking that's one of the ones I'm really looking forward to that because on that trip over there, that's the country I haven't been to yet. So I don't give a fuck what it smells like. I heard the women are beautiful. They stuck up to the banks and they fucking live right next to a volcano and they don't give a shit. So thumbs up to Iceland. I can't wait to go.

And I think I'm actually going to get to see the northern lights. You know, stand there with a little tear in my eye wondering why humanity can't get along. So anyways, I did the rest of the red state tours dates and, you know, I know it was crazy as far as like it didn't come off the way I thought it was going to. But I honored every fucking date and I added San Antonio. All right, we made them happen. El Paso took three times to get to three trips. One time I canceled because I'm a little twinkle toes doing my acting work. The next time it got rained out and then finally we made it happen.

And I got some angry emails, but in the end we made it happen. So anyway, so I go to Deadwood, South Dakota and the Black Hills, the western part of South Dakota. And I had a fucking awesome time. Highly recommend it. I went and I actually saw Mount Rushmore scratch that off the bucket list. And I highly recommend that you go during the winter months because I could just tell it would be fucking packed with a bunch of goddamn breeders with their fucking Jean cut off shorts. Because I was walking up all the stairs and nobody was on it that nobody was on. I could just, I said to the guy who brought us over there, I was like, dude, this place is packed in the summertime.

He's like, oh yeah, man, it's awful. It's awful. So go there in the winter. Nice, crisp air or whatever fall, whatever fuck season we're in right now. That's the time to go toughen up your fucking kids, pull them out of school and bring them there. All right, start up the winter bagel once over the winter or in the fall. Get the thing up there. I'm telling you, it's great.

We did the whole goddamn thing in like 20 minutes. You know what's great? As you come up the hill, I'm really miming this with my hand, like driving my hand towards my face in case I forget what it's like to drive up a hill. As you're driving up a hill, you come up all the way up the mountain there, right? Or the hill, I guess. And all you see, you just look out and I swear to God, you can see all the way to Wyoming and you're like, what the fuck? Where is it? And then you just come around a turn and the way they do it is so fucking cool.

They show you what the four presidents are looking at. And then you turn around and you're like, holy fuck, there it is. Like a goddamn horror movie. You know, you think the guy's behind the curtain and he's not there and you're like, oh, good. You relax. You let out that exhale and turn around. Ah, Jesus Christ, four dead presidents. You know?

And you know, for the life of me, I always wondered why they picked those four, not even those four. Why Teddy Roosevelt? You know, I understood Molarian Curly, but I didn't get Shemp. Why the fuck is he up there? You know? I didn't understand it. It was another good reference. Okay.

David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar, and then that dude from that band. If you don't like what we do here, get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Shut up. Oh my God. I never want to drag somebody down the fucking stairs by their ponytails as much as when that fucking song came on. Anyways, Teddy Roosevelt.

So I asked the guy there, why did they, why Teddy? I don't see the fucking connection here. It's like a bad standup tour where you get three styles that mesh and then just one guy is God. I don't know, a fucking ukulele. And I guess they were all responsible for the expansion, expansionism of this country. George Washington, because he helped us with our conspiracy theory, not theory, our conspiracy to fucking leave the goddamn English Empire. All right, which started it. It's not really expanding.

That's sort of separating, but who the fuck am I? Thomas Jefferson, Louisiana Purchase. Oh my God, I'm gonna forget who else is there. Oh, Abe Lincoln, Abraham. A train, as his friends called him, because he held the union together. And then Teddy Roosevelt, because he was brutally racist and was able to kick all the Mexicans out of the western part of this country. You know, that's a really weird part of, I gotta tell you, this really weird part of the country, South Dakota, absolutely fucking beautiful. But it's kind of like, I feel like what Germany would look like if the Germans won.

The way history is told, you know what I mean? I mean, that is, you're basically on Holocaust ground out there. But because, you know, the fucking evil doers won, just the way it's, you know, you can go visit Custer's last stand. And they have like, you know, grave sites for all these fucking mass murdering psychopaths. But, you know, they won. So it's all like done. So like, basically, if Hitler and those fucking maniacs won, there would be a Mount Rushmore in Germany. And it would be Hitler.

It'd be, who's that guy, Heinle Klemler, whatever the fuck his name is, basically his Scotty Pippin, right? And they'd have a couple other, all those fucking evil Nazi dudes. I don't know where they would be facing. But whatever, that doesn't mean you shouldn't go out there. Absolutely fucking beautiful. And I had a great time performing at the casino. I met some real live cowboys, real life cowboys. Got invited to go back to a ranch next time I'm out there for some quick draw shooting with fucking wax bullets.

What'd you do this fucking weekend? I already asked them, I go, what do you mean wax? We should like shoot them at each other and they're like laughing. They go, no, you shoot them into a target. I go, what happens if you get hit with one? They go, it stings. It's not that big a deal. So in my head, I just started laughing because I was like, all right, back in the day, me and my knucklehead friends,

if we got wax bullets and they're not going to kill you, we're going to put on swimming goggles, possibly a scuba mask. And, you know, within 20 minutes, we're going to be fucking shooting at each other. And I guess if you go there in the summertime, you see bald eagles out there like their pigeons. So that's another reason to come back. What I'm saying is I'm definitely coming back to Deadwood. I had a fucking phenomenal, phenomenal time and learned a little bit about American history and that type of stuff. And then the next day, I had an early flight.

I flew down to Tulsa, Oklahoma and I had no idea what to expect. We drove into town, me and Lucas. Now you see Lee. Now you don't. Lucas see Lee, his football nickname that never happened. They called him the Orient Express, I believe. The Asian invasion, I forget what he grew up in Montana. He's like one of three Asians out there.

So the white people didn't know any better. So what am I saying? So we're going to fucking Tulsa and it's like, I don't know, it's like a zombie movie. There's like nobody there. It's windy as fucking hell because there's nothing to stop the goddamn wind. And I asked the guy, I'm like, dude, we pull up to the hotel and it was like creepy. It wasn't even like homeless people. It was like nothing.

We're driving into town, stopping at red lights and it's green for the other way and there's no cars. The only thing that was missing was like tumbleweeds. So we pull in there and I asked the guy when I parked the car, I'm like, what the hell is everybody? He's like, ah, you know, it gets kind of dead here in the weekends. But at night, it totally picked up and it ended up being this awesome fucking city and we performed at this place called the Brady Theater, an old vaudeville theater that was finished in 1916 and it was one of the coolest places I've ever performed in.

And it was just an absolutely fucking awesome crowd. Just had a great time and I don't know. And you know, the usual shit, Harry Houdini performed here and it's fucking haunted and all of that crap. Can you feel me running out of gas, everybody? I'm running out of gas, dude. I've traveled too much just fucking you. I'm sorry.

Let's let's try to let's try to ramp up the goddamn comedy. I can't. Nothing funny happened in Tulsa. I just had a great fucking time and there was a guy, the runner. This guy Ray worked at a 1960 Cadillac in the end of the, the all original, the end of the show. I'm driving this thing around Tulsa 1960 fucking Cadillac having a great time. Then we went to this German bar, which was a good time.

But I gotta tell you, there was a little bit too much wiener schnitzel. If you know what I mean. I was trying to be a wingman for my buddy and there was nothing to talk to there. Right. And I don't know. Then the next day we drove up from Tulsa to Wichita and I got to tell you something about the drive from Tulsa to Wichita. I would not work.

I would not wish that on my worst fucking enemy. It was one of the worst drives. The absolute, the opposite of driving through the Black Hills in South Dakota. That is one that you can skip. There was fucking nothing, nothing. Unless you're out there looking for some classic cars and that type of shit. I, you know, I swear to God, it was like every other fucking house out there has some fucking car.

You're like, holy shit. You know, that's a Mustang. Look at that. There's an old fucking Ford pickup truck. Every guy, it seems like every other house I'm exaggerating, but there was probably like, I saw probably like 20 cars on the way up in trucks. And then there was a whole, you know, I don't know, it's one guy had like fucking 30 of the old things up there.

I just started thinking of that, that fast and loud that they should just drive that Raptor up there and fucking somehow talk those people into selling their cars for 40 bucks. Then we got into Wichita and Wichita was a little creepy. Not going to lie to you. A little creepy. I missed my term. We came into the back part of the fucking town and we went by the rehab clinic and really

saw that drugs touch everybody. It looked like a fucking old, like if they did a real world reunion episode and everybody was in their fifties. That's what it looked like. There was the old white guy, the old black guy, an old Asian guy, an old Latino dude, just all fucking standing out there. A couple of fucking haggard looking chicks, you know, looking like retired witches and we played at the Orpheum there with like the Count Basie Orchestra played Gracie, George

Burns, Gracie Allen, Gracie Allen, whatever they had played there. Just fucking insane. Absolutely awesome shows. And you know, I want to thank everybody who came out. I'm definitely coming back. I'm definitely going to do that run. When I come back, I'm going to add Nebraska and I don't know what else I got to go to out there.

Maybe Iowa, but whatever. I feel like I put my foot down out there. Left my footprint. I got another place, another tour I can do when I get old and gray or whatever. It's all good shit. All right, I'm just fucking me entering here. Let's let's do a little advertising with a fuck are we here? And then I'm going to ramp it back up talking about that fucking bullshit call against the

49ers and P carols Twitter message. All right, I'm teasing you here. That's a little teaser. All right, Dollar Shave Club everybody. Let's see if I can shave a couple of strokes off my fucking bad reading. All right, this is how it works every week with the advertising. Whatever mistakes I make on the first one, that's par for the course. And I just try to see if I can go under.

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One over. Go to HuluPlus.com slash bill now or click the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. God damn it. I thought I had it. All right. What do we got left here? All right.

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Brutal reading. That was like a public course right there, a bunch of fucking divots. All right. Here we go. Let's start this week. NFL pro football. Did anybody watch the 49ers versus the Saints? No, I am impartial.

I actually liked the Saints. I did that movie down there and I had a great fucking time and I was really getting into the Saints and I think their fans are awesome and that type of thing. I also liked the 49ers. So I liked both of them. I like both coaches. I like both quarterbacks. I like those teams.

So I watched the game and I got to tell you the 49ers got robbed and I'm not blaming the Saints and I don't expect Saint fans to have any empathy, but you know, goddamn well, if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be like, what the fuck? Okay. Fuck the Saints. Fuck the 49ers. Let's just talk football here. What exactly was that guy supposed to do when he was trying to tackle Drew Brees?

What exactly was he? What the fuck is he supposed to do? Drew Brees is playing at full speed. So on defense, you're supposed to go, what, three quarter speed? When the game is on the line, it wasn't a helmet to helmet hit. He didn't fucking, you know, it wasn't an attack on a defenseless player, whatever the hell they call it. He's trying to run around the outside to get to Drew Brees.

He's got the fucking outside goddamn linemen, whatever the fuck it is, pushing him to the outside. He's going by the quarterback. He reaches out to grab him and in the process, he catches him in the neck a little bit and the guy goes down. It's a violent fucking game, right? Last year you couldn't hit him in the head. Now you can't hit quarterbacks in the top, in the head or in the fucking neck.

What are they going to be able to do next year? I think next year when you go to tackle a quarterback, you ever go to put like a sheet on a bed and you do like that kind of thing and then it goes and lands on the bed. What does it do Bill? It goes, I think that's what you're going to have to do. The 49ers needed somebody to step up and make a fucking play and that guy made the play. He caused a fucking turnover and he recovered the ball. All right, but because of today's game, they took it away from him and then they end up

losing the game. That was a textbook play. It was fucking beautiful play. I mean, you could sit there and watch Lawrence Taylor highlights and he has a zillion of those. He used to just bull rush people, reach over them, grab the quarterback by his shirt and just drag him down to the ground. I just, you can't fucking do anything anymore and I don't know.

I don't know because I've been watching football too long that to me that looks like football and now they're saying it isn't. I obviously, like most of you probably saw that interview with Tony Dorsett and I hate seeing that type of stuff. I don't want former football players to be like that. Jesus Christ. He didn't get a concussion, nothing that, you know, I found really interesting was Troy Aikman thought it was a good call and how he long was just shaking his head.

For those of you who don't watch football, Troy Aikman is a former quarterback and how he longs a former defensive, uh, tackler and I forget what position he played. So it's, Drew Brees didn't get hurt. He didn't have a concussion. He was fine. He got right up. Troy Aikman's going, oh, look, you can see his lips bloody. Well, he's playing football, you know, the fuck.

So I think the 49ers got fucked. I don't know what the solution is. I maybe have to go back to leather helmets. I have no idea, but Jesus, you gotta be able to reach out, grab the fucking quarterback as you go down. Yeah. And maybe sometime he goes down a little bit violently. I mean, I don't fucking know.

Only on, on my Twitter account was like laughing going like next year, they're going to treat quarterbacks like kickers, like if you even touch them, it's an automatic unnecessary roughness. Now that he definitely went down in a rough way, but it's a tough game. But he's fine. If he has any sort of fucking problems at the 20 years after he retired, it's not going to be because of that hit. I could have taken that fucking hit.

I'm not going to lie to you. I'd feel the effects for three weeks, but I could have taken that hit and gotten up and throw the fucking goddamn duck. The next play, I could have done that and I am a standup comedian. If I could have taken the fucking hit, all right, fuck you. I could have. And most of you could have too. You could have taken it.

Jesus Christ. I've gotten a hit harder than that. Playing fucking kill the man with the ball back in the day or whatever you guys called the game. That's what we called it. Kill the man with the ball, murder the fuck. And then lastly, the last thing I'm going to say about the fucking football this week was Pete Carroll's, uh, former team that he coached USC beat, um, I was at Syracuse.

So fucking tired beat Stanford, which was a major upset. And, um, Stanford had beaten USC like four years in a row. So it was a big victory for them. And, uh, so Pete Carroll tweeted, you know, basically a congrat, congratulations to USC, which is fucking hilarious. And then ESPN shows it and they all blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And at no point did they discuss how Pete Carroll, you know, Pete Carroll left that's that team high and dry, or maybe that's just part of the arrangement that college football

coaches have. Cause I don't begrudge the guy what he did. He did what everybody has to do to win at a division one level is you break a bunch of fucking rules. And then years later, they make a movie about it called blue chips with fucking Nick Nolte. Right. Um, or North Dallas four, I came up with a fucking movie was called, I don't know. I just thought it was funny that he writes back to the school that he left high and dry

as he sat there telling every all those incoming freshmen that he was going to develop them and they'd have an NFL fucking career. And then all of a sudden deaths at the back door and he just fucking takes off and goes up to Seattle. You know, I don't think that thing really had anything that tweet had anything to do with USC. That has to do with his fucking hatred of a captain come back there and the time he ran up the score when he was coaching fucking Syracuse, right?

Jim Harbaugh. I think it had more to do with that. Um, but I was disappointed that the end of his, his tweet didn't say hashtag. Woo. Um, all right. Where are we? How many fucking minutes in are we? Can I start reading shot?

Jesus 29 30 minutes. How many fucking minutes? What am I going to do here? What are we going to talk about the green piece 30 again? Nothing has changed as far as I can tell. Far as I can. Oh, oh, one more thing about the fucking football is Versey's New York football Giants one again. And, uh, I don't, I don't dislike the Giants.

I actually love the Giants. Um, just as a franchise, right? Even though they beat the Patriots, I get, I get beyond that. They beat the Patriots. What the fuck were they supposed to do lose to them? They're trying to win the game and they want it. Good for them. I don't give a fuck.

But what it is, is with every victory they have, I'm going to have to listen to Versey going on and on and on just fast forward 20 minutes into this podcast because I'm still going to be going on and on. And he's still talking about Robinson canal. Like this is what you have to know about Paul Versey. He likes gummy bears. He likes going to the movies and he spends a hundred percent of his time when he's talking about sports, talking about the 10% of the time that he was actually right.

And it drives me up the fucking wall. You know what? One of his predictions was, was the Patriots were crazy not to resign Matt Castle. I fucking nailed that one. I've already taught. I've talked about this one a million times. I give up. I give up with this guy.

I call the fucking Super Bowl this year and I put my money down. I never brought it up to him. He's already talking about it. He's already sending me text messages. This is what kills me. Like when I call something, I'm like, all right, I got lucky. Versey actually thinks that something like paranormal happened that he has like ESP. Like when he caught, when he calls something, he's got this thing where he kind of puts

his head down and he's like looking through his eyebrows. You know, he gets, he gets a little crazy. That guy is not all there. Don't buy into his little fucking, you know, when you, when you get the Paul Versey brochure in the mail, when he's coming to your town, I'm telling you, that guy, he's not all there. I'm just fucking with you. I love the guy. You know what?

This is why I love Paul Versey. All right. This is a zillion reasons, but I have to get back to him. I had a quick phone call and I was going, I forget what the fuck I was doing. I was, I think I was going in. I was going to do a show and he called me up to talk to me about a veal chop. He just ate, you know, it's just fucking hilarious how much he's into food. It's ridiculous.

Oh, anyways, this week, everybody, I got a couple of all things comedy, our wonderful new podcast network that I have to tell you about me and Al Madrigal, the daily shows in minivan men podcast. Al Madrigal are going to be hosting a garage shale shale, a garage sale. Both of us are taking shit out of our garages and our lives, our lives that I can't even talk. We're taking stuff on our garages and our lives, comedy memorabilia, old hockey sticks. I got one of those fucking man great systems that they sent me.

They already gave me one. You know, what am I supposed to stack two on top of each other? I don't even think the meat would cook at that point. Those things are so thick. So I got one of those. What else do I got? I got a, I got some fucking old. Why do I do this?

Let it go. DVDs that all be autographed. I got this fucking trunk. Metal locker trunk thing that the last people owned my house left in the garage. You know, I don't know what Al's bringing, but, uh, you know, I'm sure he's got a bunch of stuff too. And, uh, all of the proceeds are going to go towards the wounded warrior project. Um, also, uh, there's another all things comedy, um, show down at Largo here in Los

Angeles, down in La Cienega just north of Beverly. I'm going to be eight o'clock this Wednesday. I will be performing there as well as a bunch of other, um, hosts of podcasts on our network. Please come down. Have a good time. Learn about our network. And, um, what else? Um, oh, also, I got to give a shout out to the occasionally awesome podcast hosted by

Kevin Christie and Nick Youssef, two phenomenal younger comics. They're young to me. All right. They're probably young to you, but, uh, and also if you think I love dogs, you got to listen to Kevin Christie do that guy is like, I'm swear to God. I think if you pet his dog in the wrong direction, like a cat, uh, you'd probably missing a limb and he would never apologize. And that's why I love them.

But anyways, they gave me a nice shout out, um, Dan Max Greenfield on their podcast from the new girl. And I guess he talked about, um, that episode I did where he's basically sticking his head in a coffin with a dead body there and I'm trying to get him to stop doing it because I'm trying to take a gold chain off the dead, dead body. It was fucking hilarious. We, I think we shot it at one in the morning and he had me laugh in my, I had such a great time doing that show between working with Max and, uh, working with Nick Crowell and

all my scenes. I swear to God, it seemed like they were at one in the morning and I was feeling like I was going to pass out and that I can't hack it as an actor and both of them had me laughing my ass off. And what in the morning stand up comic who doesn't laugh at shit. So, uh, anyways, so check out the occasionally, uh, awesome podcast on the all things comedy network. And there you go.

There's a little mini commercial there. Let me go back to the, uh, go back to, uh, rambling here. So basically because I don't want to listen to Verzi, you know, and he's one dumb fucking prediction. The only thing that he's actually going to get right this year and we're in November. As far as I know, I don't know anything else. He said right this year. He was wrong about the Super Bowl.

He was wrong about that Christmas sweater that he wore the last time we worked together. This is going to be the first, uh, you know what? Everybody's right. Every, every once in a while. Jesus, he's going to, I guarantee fucking 2016. I'm still going to be hearing about this. Yeah, what about that fucking Giants prediction? You know, um, so he's actually made me like an Eagles fan.

Like I'm rooting for the fucking, I'm rooting for somebody in that goddamn division to actually win some fucking games. Okay. Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys fucking Redskins. I'm done with you. All right, but it's not too late. All three of you, the Giants spotted you six fucking games. All right.

This is, this is inexcusable for you to let those cunts come back and win the fucking division. Absolutely fucking inexcusable. They're not cunts. I love the Giants. I actually like the fucking Giants. I just don't want to listen to Verzi for the love of God, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys next week. When you play the fucking Giants, can you play full four quarters?

You know, don't do it for yourselves. Do it for me. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. He is going to go on for fucking ever. Um, all right, let's read some shit here. Uh, Dallas Shave Club correction. This is from a listener.

Hey Bill, can you change that copy to read rusty soup can instead of rusty soda can aluminum, aluminum soda cans don't rust, but the tin coated soup cans sure as hell will. I honestly wanted to be helpful. I can try to break your balls another time. Thanks for the podcast. That's fucking hilarious. Is there any time, is anything better when somebody's just like scientifically correct? You know, I didn't know that aluminum cans don't rust.

I had no idea. I didn't even know the cans were made out of aluminum. I didn't know what it was. I thought it was some sort of, you know, some sort of metal plastic kind of shit. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was. I never knew what it was. All right, how to handle conspiracy theories.

Billy Bankbuster. Oh, by the fucking way. Wait a second. Wait a minute. I forgot to bring this up. Do you guys know that one of my fantasies is coming through this week? No, it's not reading copy correctly. Uh, there's two bankers being put to death in Vietnam.

Let me look this up here. Death, Vietnam. Vietnamese bankers sentenced to death for fraud. Here we go. This is what, this is what should have been happening in this country in 2008. Like it already should have like, they should have been like at least 100 bankers dead. You know what you should do is like smother them with cash. You know what you do is you tie them to the mast of their yacht or their sailboat, right?

And then you put a bunch of cash at their feet, all the cash that they stole, you just light it on fire, right? Like Jonah fucking out. Um, let me see if I can find where the fuck is it? There we go. Yahoo, free news. Let's go here. A Vietnamese former banker and his business associates have been sentenced to death for

their part in the embezzlement of $25 million. State media has reported 25 million bucks and you get the goddamn death sentence. All right. So I figured that the people at AIG, they ought to have like what happened to William Wallace at the end of Braveheart, whatever that fucking thing is. Well, they just pull out your fucking entrails like machete. Um, the pair were among 11 defendants in the nine day trial in Ho Chi Minh City. State media reported on Saturday in a case that has heightened Vietnam's effort to show

it is stamping out corruption in the face of widespread public anger over the issue. That's the only part of this story I don't like. Uh, the fact that they're trying to make an example. So now I think that they just got a couple of Ollie Norths here. They're going to kill two people or 11 and be like, see, we're doing something. And then it goes right back. And I don't know what politicians make in Vietnam, but if it's anything like over here, you know, the bankers put them in office.

So I have no fucking idea. But anyways, this is the deal. Vu Quoc Howell 58, the one time chief of the finance subsidiary, subsidiary of the state owned Vietnam agribank and building firm boss, Dang Van High. 56 were sentenced to death on Friday, according to state television. They were given the sentence for embezzlement of assets, mismanagement, abuse of power and fraud, causing serious consequences to the state. Sound familiar?

Everybody. I just did that. What I hated last week. Sound familiar. Um, the other nine defendants were jailed for up to 14 years for violating state economic regulations. The report added the group was accused of embezzling more than $25 million of state money between April 2008 and March 2009 by falsifying financial leasing contracts according to reports on state

media. Vietnam is rated one of the world's most corrupt nations and graft is a top concern for many ordinary people. The communist government has vowed to clamp down on the issue. There will be strict punishment for state. Uh, I'm not going to read the rest of this shit. I'll spare you guys. I read it pretty well up to that point.

Um, so there you go. There you go. See that doesn't matter what kind of government you have a democracy, communism, socialism, dictatorship. The fucking bankers are running shit and they need to be put down in the fucking street and replaced with honest people. You know, like some of those fine folks that I met out there in the hot land. That would be great.

I would actually go to the execution. What's fucking morbid is that is, you know, I would actually go there. Who the fuck is sitting there texting me now? Um, all right, let's go back to the, uh, why did I just drop my voice? Let's go back to the questions for this week. How to handle conspiracy theories. Billy Bankbuster, I'm all in when it comes to reading and researching ideas independent of those we hear all day in the media, whether it be the banks, the lizard people or the

fact that we live in a simulation, it's all important information. I'm with you when it comes to shrugging off a particular air of pretentiousness like that guy in the human farming video. The problem with general reaction to new information is that everyone does that. I'm a Democrat. Uh, I'm a Republican bullshit where they just pick a side and defend it to death. Here's the truth. All in capital letters.

The truth is, is that there's some truth to the fact that we are being pushed around by those in power. Well, who the fuck are you to say that this is the truth? Why can't you say this is your version of the truth? He came at me all diplomatic. I was really liking who you are. And then all of a sudden you yelled at me out of nowhere. You lulled me in.

I was right there. Ba-ba-da-ba-doo-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Here's the truth. The truth is that there is some truth to the fact that we are being pushed around by those in power. It's true that people in power have bigger plans that we, that we know about. We know this because it's been that way forever. It takes the current population so long to get over their emotional reaction to finding out negative things that by the time they understand everything, they're dead and their kids are voting for the next jackass.

I agree with the way you handle this stuff. You're in, but you're not letting it ruin your life. This is a revolution of knowledge that can't be stopped. Now please run for office and stay out of convertibles. Alright, I'm such a defensive asshole. I thought you were disagreeing with me until right in the end. No, there's no fucking way. I'm too goddamn dumb.

I've jerked off to too much fucking horrific shit on the internet and, you know, that doesn't mean that I couldn't be in office. I would just have to be a company player. You know what I really got to start reading up on this fucking guy up in Toronto, man? This crack smoking pussy eating fucking mayor or whatever they got up there. Somebody was, somebody was trying to tell me, I'm literally looking up Toronto mayor eating pussy. Rob Ford's denies eating pussy video. He denies that he ate this woman's pussy. He said he's married and has plenty to eat at home and then walked off.

You know, like he just dropped the mic. That's the greatest fucking thing ever. You got to love that kind of honesty. What the fuck is this? Is this somebody piggybacking on this thing? Oh Jesus, is this a commercial I have to sit through? I just hit mute. Alright, here we go.

The last thing was Olivia Conducted. It says that if I wanted to eat her pussy, I would never do that. I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home. Anything that works. Dude, did he just have a fucking jersey with his name on it in the back? This guy is the fucking greatest thing ever. Hang on, hang on, wait a minute.

There's a flabbergasted lady. I know we're up live right now, but I don't know if we can... Mayor Ford speaking as Mayor Ford does. You know what? I don't know if he was born that way or if Smoking Crack gives you some balls. This guy just doesn't give a fuck. I don't know anything about this story. It's only what I've heard.

I don't know if you're in office for life. But if he smokes crack the way I drink booze, I don't think it's going to affect his job. You know, if he just has a couple, two or three cracks at the end of the day. You like Smoking Crack? You gotta go down swinging in life, right? That's the way to go down, because he knows eventually it's like if I'm going to get squeezed out, fucking... Dude, the guy had a jersey with his name on it, with the number on the back. I don't know what the fuck that was about, but whatever, he's owned by the banks too.

He might as well have somebody entertaining. Isn't that right, Cleo? Oh, Cleo! Oh, you were sleeping. I'm sorry, buddy. How you doing? My fucking dog is hilarious. I came, I had an early flight, right? And I come home, right?

And I pull up to the house or whatever. And I come in, and she didn't know I was coming home. Now, she doesn't know I'm coming home. She has no concept of me leaving. I just walk out the door, and she doesn't know I'm going to witch it up. What kind of a fucking stupid sentence was that? Well, it was what you were thinking, Bill. So I walk in, and she hates hardwood floors.

She just feels like she can't get any sort of balance on them. So she has to walk really slow with their head down. So I come in, and she hears the door unlocking. So she comes running out, and she knows it's me. And she's all excited, but she's walking on hardwood floors. So she was walking really slowly while her tail was wagging 90 miles an hour and her fucking shaking her pit bull booty, like walking sideways. It's one of the best laughs.

If you don't have a dog, you're a fucking asshole. What does a cat do? Well, maybe a cat does something, because I never didn't grow up with cats. What does a cat do that is like similar to that? I remember I dated this girl, and she had a cat. She had a cool one. And I would fucking wake up in the morning. This thing would be standing on my chest like doing that thing, you know,

where they're sort of like, like they're trying to pull your shirt apart. I used to make me laugh, but I just don't like that they shit inside. You know, it's in that goddamn box. It smells like, I don't know. There's just no appreciation for them. Maybe I'm too needy to be a cat owner. I respect cats. You know, they're in the deal, but not of it.

And they also retain their hunting skills. They keep those polished. I think that they know that the dollar is going to crash the way they always go out and fucking kill mice and stuff. All right, here we go. Where is it here? Where is it here? Advice. My mom thinks she's a psychic.

Hey, big red, long time fan and loyal follower of the MM podcast for the past five years. Can't wait for the new podcast t-shirts. I'm picking them up today. Oh, was it a journey with this fucking company? Jesus Christ, it took forever, forever, for fucking ever. We changed the design a couple of times and then, you know, and then from then on, I don't know what the fuck happened. Anyways, he said, I need your advice on how to bring my 58 year old mom back to reality.

Ever since my mom's menopause, my brother and I came to the realization that my mom believes she has the ability to speak and see those whom have crossed over to the other side. This has to do with her menopause. I don't, I don't think, I think you're looking at the wrong answer. She even has no problems pushing her beliefs onto complete strangers. For example, I was having a stressful time during my career. My mom proceeds to pull out these two antenna like rods shaped like the letter L. While holding the short end of the rods, she proceeds to walk up to meet and the, to meet in the rods, M E E T.

And the rods move closer together in her hands. She says, I am surrounded by negative activity. Wait a minute, what kind of witchcraft are we talking while holding the short end of the rods? She proceeds to walk up to meet me. I think is what you went to say and the rods move closer together in her hands. I'm going to just, just guess that she says I'm surrounded by negative activity. She then proceeds to make me think of the most positive thoughts I can envision such as the births. What the, dude, you got to finish your sentences.

Birth of your son, I guess is what that means. She then steps back and then while, I love how you use the word whom correctly, I'm assuming, and then you can't get this other shit right. She then steps back and then while I'm supposedly thinking positive thoughts, she walks backwards to more of me and the rods slowly separate apart. She comments that the spirits are now in my favor. Like an asshole, I thought of the most depressing thoughts I could just to prove that she was moving the damn rods herself. After porting it out, my mom freaks out and breaks out crying and yelling saying how much of a jerk I am that I should respect her abilities and they aren't to be toyed with. Jesus Christ, she sounds like she's going to stab you with a butter knife. You know what I just thought of? I just thought of misery.

Like you're going to wake up tired of the bed and she's going to be standing there with fucking lightning going off in the background. What a fucking, your mom's a jerk, dude. You busted her for lying and then she uses the age old fucking woman manipulating technique of crying, right? You should have held her to it. It's like you're yelling at me because you're lying. You lied to me, mom. How could you do that? Put the fucking TV antenna down. All right.

Sit down and have a fucking sandwich. What's wrong with you? He says, I love my mom, Bill, and I just want her to come to her senses. Obviously jokes don't help to persuade her that she isn't Nostradamus. Any advice you or Nia might have would be appreciated. Maybe it's just me, but this whole spiritualism shit feels like a fad. Just like the show Long Island Medium. I don't know that show. Yeah, I don't know what to tell. I don't know.

Does she have a job? Is she sick of her career and she's trying to go to the tarot card reading thing? I have no idea. I don't know what to say to you there. I mean, I would give her shit like, mom, you lied to me. All right? You're sitting there saying that you're healing me and you're not. I don't know. When somebody goes crazy, dude, I don't know what to tell you. You either got to roll with it or you got to...

I wouldn't want to bring it to a doctor because God knows they're going to put her all in the latest drugs and use her as a fucking guinea pig. So I might try to avoid that. I don't know, dude. I feel like I'm letting you down here, but I'd rather not give you any advice because I don't have any rather than give you some bad advice. Oh, freaks out. I love my mom. Any advice you might... How to make a come to her senses? I don't know. Why don't you go buy a magic kit and get better at it than she is?

And then somehow try to turn her into your student. And then just one day just say that she failed and that she needs to go back to being a mom. Just grow out a long beard and start wearing all white and sit fucking Indian style. The lotus position, I believe it's called. And, you know, like candles and stuff, that'll give you credibility with her and just tell her that she's, you know, she's not good at it. Nah, that's gonna make her cry again. I don't know.

No disrespect to Meryl Streep, but they can all do it on command. You know, I'm not saying she's not a good actress and doesn't deserve those fucking shiny trophies, but... I don't know what to tell you. They just can do it. The drop of a fucking hat. She's sitting there with two TV antennas and the guy, her own son, busts her for lying and immediately she can start crying. There's not a guy in the world that could fucking pull that emotion out of their ass like that. Or rather, a menopause twat.

I'm sorry, and I just talked bad about your mom. Her post-menopause vagina. Okay, let's do, you know, I think that's a nice segue into this next advertisement. Trying to beat two strokes, people. Stamps.com. With the holiday almost here, you don't have time to go to the post office. Traffic, parking, it will be packed with everybody, mailing their holiday gifts and packages. So do what I do.

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Concerned brother. Hey Bill, love the show. Well, thank you. He says I got a situation I could use some advice. My sister is 16 years old and dating a 22-year-old. What the fuck? Yeah, I got advice. Go out to the goddamn garage and get a fucking shovel.

Dig the hole first. Don't do that. I'm not advocating murder. Just bury them alive for a few minutes. They met at a church function. Ow, for fuck's sakes. Dude, this is making me upset. My sister is 16 years old and she's dating a 22-year-old.

They met at a church function over a year ago. And even though he lives two states away, they've been keeping in contact. What the fuck, dude? How many more sexual predator red flags do you need? He goes, I just found out my parents have invited him to Thanksgiving this year. Do you live in like the Middle East or something? Is this some sort of custom that is widely accepted in some faraway land? My initial reaction is to beat the shit out of this fucking creep.

Oh, beat the shit out of this fucking creep, sorry. I don't think that that will solve anything in the long run. So I'm trying to keep a level head and be mature about this. But to be honest with you, I haven't got a fucking clue as to what to do. My parents are obviously mentally unstable and I'm not equipped to talk sense into a 16-year-old girl. So if you could tell me what to say to this guy to make him understand in a nonviolent way that this is wrong and needs to stop, I'd appreciate it. See, dude, you're going on the same journey I started. You found out immediately I'm thinking I'm getting a shovel and I'm burying this fucking guy in the ground.

But you know, as I know, violence is not the way. He goes, the scariest thing about this is that in this weird-ass church my family belongs to, several of my sister's friends have gotten married at 17 and 18 and that just can't happen here. I know this is a fucked up situation, but I'd be grateful for any help you have to offer. Thank you and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I would look up some stuff about cults. I would get some professional help on this one, dude. You know, people ask me advice on this, you know, it's usually much lighter than this.

But dude, you're talking about God forbid if this guy's hooking up with you, you literally have a sex offender on your hands here. Can you get the local authorities involved? Can you call the cops? I mean, I don't know, I have no idea what to do. I'm afraid if you do something like that, it's going to make her run into his arms even further. What the fuck? Yeah, I don't know what to do because you can't get violent with the guy. I don't know, I have no idea.

And I don't know if you're making a joke about your parents being mentally unstable. Dude, this is like some Dr. Drew shit calling Dr. Drew. If you're going to go to the show business route. All right, because he's actually professional. I'm a fucking idiot. So don't listen to me, but I would try to get some professional help. And with every fiber in my being, I hope that you fucking solve this problem because that guy. That guy should be living in a fucking dumpster.

The fuck kind of a quit the 22. You know, that's one of those guys when he's fucking 32, he's still going to be going after 16 year olds. I fucking guarantee it. That's just fun. That is fucking creepy. The difference in age between 16 and 22 is a fucking lifetime. That's disgusting. I don't know, sir, I would get professional help.

I'm sorry, there's nothing fucking funny about that at all. All right, from a young lady. Oh, this is great. A woman writing it. I've been trying to get women to write in. But, you know, they probably shut off my podcast because they're decent human beings from a young lady. Dear Bill, I'm a 16 year old. Oh, fuck, we're back to 16 year old women.

And we can only guess you're dating this 22 year old guy and you're fucking your older brother is getting in the way of the relationship. All right, I'm six. I'm a 16 year old lady who loves stand up comedy and it's my dream to do headlining stand up when I grow up. Currently, I'm taking stand up classes with blah, blah, blah. Not going to say who at the at the place in this city and this other city someday. I want to open for you, but I want some advice and a favor, a favor. Oh, Jesus, I know that it will take a while for me to be amazing at stand up. So what should I do when I bomb on stage?

Do I just keep bombing? I've only done one stand up show, but I surprisingly did well. Oh, good for you. You did better than I did. I only did okay. What should I do after high school? I want to move to LA and just to open mic and take classes. It will be hard though, since I'm not 21, I have to wait outside the clubs, which is so annoying.

But if you have a better idea, please tell me because you know what you're talking about. Lastly, the favor. It would be amazing if you did an all ages show in Los Angeles to San Diego. Thank you for your time. Just so you know, you're the reason I want to do stand up because you're freaking hilarious. That's great. All right. Well, first of all, you're way ahead of the game.

You're only 16 years old. I didn't start until I was almost 24. As far as moving to LA, I would not do that. I would not do that. I would move to a town. I would probably more if I was you, I would move to maybe San Francisco. I would move to a city that has a good comedy scene where you can develop and learn how to be a comedian and get some momentum going before you try and start in LA. LA is the hardest place as far as I can tell in America to start doing stand up comedy because you have all these professional comics who now feel they're ready to take a shot moving to LA and they're all getting on stage.

They're having problems trying to get on stage. At least I did back in the day. I would give yourself time to develop. All right. What else did you have? What did you say? You said, what do you do when you're bombing? Bombing is just, that's just a part of it.

What should you do if you start bombing on stage? I don't know. Make fun of the joke that you just told it didn't work. Make fun of yourself. You just got to stand there and take it and you'll figure out your own way how to get through it. But when you bomb, don't get down on yourself because it happens to everybody. I've been working on a bit this whole weekend. It's been, I've been eating my balls on it every fucking night and it's pissing me off because I know it's funny.

I just don't know how to make it funny yet. So that part of it never ends. What else did you say? What should I do after high school? Don't move to LA. I wouldn't, I wouldn't advise that. I would not advise that. I would advise, I already said what to do.

Is that it? Other than that, just fucking right shit that you think's funny. Don't hang out with negative people that bring you down. Don't hang out with other comics who are weirdly competing with you and happy slash resenting your success. You know, get rid of those fucking people. Just hang around positive, motivated people and then you guys, you create your own shit. Start filming it and then you come here and you storm the castle and you'll be the new wave. And I'll be wanting to get into your movies.

So be on your TV show. All right. So good luck to you. I think that's awesome that you're doing it at 16. You got more coverage than I ever had. All right. Here we go. Trying to stop masturbating.

Well, you're talking to the wrong person. Talking to me about stop masturbating. You might as well talk to Colonel Sanders about stop frying chicken. Taking the edge off. Bill Buford open. You get the drama reference. Of course I do. Or is it Beauford?

I was never like, was he play for a yes. He played for one of those prog bands of the 70s. Didn't he? I have no idea. Big fan of your work. And I thought Bill Buford, right? I used to get him and Alan White confused. I don't know why.

Big fan of your work. And I thought I'd get your input on this. I'm trying to stop jerking off. I'm not afraid of going blind or getting hairy palms or any of that shit. I've even read that there are health benefits to masturbating. My primary concern is that I'm beginning to develop premature ejaculation. I've never heard of that. I'm not premature ejaculation, but by jerking off that you're...

Well, maybe you know yourself too well. Right there. Boom. Right there. Boom. You just fucking all... It's over. I also can't help but feel disgusted whenever I bust one off.

Call it Catholic guilt. Yeah, it is Catholic guilt. I don't masturbate on an insane basis only once every two or three days. Jesus Christ, dude. You know? You like a fucking DH in my world. Fucking relief pitcher. But it's the only sexual activity I'm getting at the moment and I can't go more than around

nine days without an intense urge to do it. Dude, this is really getting too personal for me. I have a small dick and I'm fine with that. Learning to accept that my dick is below average in length has freed me from my penis envy and it was a disproportionately large weight off my chest. It's the sexual equivalent to the last rap battle in eight mile. You can't tell me shit. I don't already know.

But having a small dick and being a minute man is more than I can take. Yeah, you don't want the combo platter there. I know that you've advised people to rub one off, rub one out on a different occasion and respect that because things definitely come into perspective after you've finished masturbating. But can you suggest any method for people who are trying to hold back on choking the chicken thanks in advance and go fuck yourself? No, I can't. I can't.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You know? If I think of most of the dictators in the world would fucking rub one out and get a goddamn handy from some fucking chick dressed like a nurse. Would that be any war until like two in the afternoon? I don't know. You definitely don't want to just be doing that to yourself. You want to be in some sort of a fucking relationship.

You're fine with having a small dick. As far as that goes, I would definitely go downtown first. Make sure she's one up on you and then fucking have at it. But you didn't ask me about that. So I don't know. I don't know. Throwing this one to Dr. Drew again. Trying to hold back choking.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. That's the premature ejaculation thing I think might be a problem. Yeah, it is a problem. You said you don't want that. So I would consult a... You guys, you guys have really hit me with some heavy ones this week. You know? I don't know what to tell you.

I would contact a therapist, a sex therapist or some shit. Let's see, what the fuck would I do? If I was premature ejaculating, I would rub two out. And then I'd take my exhausted dick out and then I would have a go then. See how that happened. That's all I got, right? That's what you get when you listen to a free podcast. That's the kind of advice you get.

Yeah, I would go to a professional. All right? There we go. Wow. Those last two were brutal. Oh, the last two out of three. Except for the stand-up comedian one was awesome. That was a nice reprieve.

Anyway, so that's the podcast for this week. I will be tweeting and Facebooking all the final details about the garage sale, the All Things Comedy Garage sale. And you can call us up, bid on some stuff. It helps the wounded warriors project. I'm also doing a quick spot at the Laugh Factory for Rob Schneider's show. All the proceeds will be benefiting all the victims and the survivors. I guess I should say of that typhoon out there in the Philippines.

And that's it. That's my week. I think I got a gig in New Haven this weekend. And I'm going to the Harvard Yale game. How fucking awesome is that? I'll be probably sitting amongst at least the next three presidents when I go to that game. I'm really looking forward to one of the first bowls. I think it is the first bowl that was built in this country as far as stadiums.

So I'm really excited to see a game there. I'll be there with dude. I called it Paul Verzi. And I'm actually going to bet the Cowboys with him next week just to make this fun, this whole bet. Him calling it. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

Go fuck yourself. We'll talk to you next week. Thank you. And I could feel it All night The vacant notion of the city lights The vacant faces of the full-blood apicals Steeped in the out-and-floor newest angel

It wasn't that long ago If I could see you but I'm well out of time What we would talk about In between, nothing's of all I've known See you again if I could Well, I know you thought we're all out of time And there's nothing new In between, nothing's of all I've known

See you again if I could Well, I know you thought we'd talk In between, nothing's of all I've known See you again if I could Well, I know you thought we'd talk In between, nothing's of all I've known See you again if I could