Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-15

Episode Date: November 20, 2015

Bill rambles about being a psycho, Muslims and the new book The Comedians.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. No, it isn't. What am I talking about? It's time for the Thursday afternoon Friday, just before Friday fucking Monday Morning Podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. What's going on? You like that? That was a little siren version for you. You know, it's the little things that make your day. All right, how's it going? I haven't done shit. Why does it sound weird? People gonna trash me again? Sorry about last week because on Monday, I didn't have it plugged in all the way and it came out like a fucking 1940s Benny Goodman. It wasn't in stereo is what I'm trying to say. There was no stereo. No stereo for you. But

look at Thursday, huh? Oh, you know, it was, it was a metaphor. It was a metaphor for Monday. You know what I mean? That everything just seems bleak. And there's no way to go, you know, so you don't get stereo Monday on Thursday, right? What happened? What do you have on Thursday? What do you got? You got your fucking paycheck. He got money in hand. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That broad came in wearing that little outfit. Your dick's going, dude, she's wearing it for you, man. She's wearing it for you. Make a move. Right? So you get stereo. Stereo on Thursdays. Sorry, this still sounds like I'm inside of a fucking tin can. And I know a lot of you guys are saying, well, Bill, why don't you get a producer?

And I just say, why don't you go fuck yourself? I don't do this job. I turn it on. I do the best I can. All right. You know, most of you guys are probably not even saying this and I'm just yelling at you. I don't know why I'm yelling at you. I'm on fucking vacation. I'm psyched. It's 2 30 out here in LA, which means in an hour and a half, I'm going to watch my Boston Bruins take on the Minnesota North stars or the wild as the kids call them after we fucking lost to San Jose. We just, we just, you know what it is. It's like we play one period and you're like, you know what, they could be a six seed. And then the next period, yeah, I don't know what happens. It's just up and down and it's frustrating,

but I'm still kind of the fuck. I'm going to watch him. I think they're going to turn it around. Cold Julian's too good a coach. We got too many pieces left over from our Stanley Cup. They're going to whip these guys into shape, but they're going to fucking they're going to send a few people next to you know freckles here. I might get a tryout. I could be a good grinder on a fourth line, right? Get out there on the penalty, the penalty kill, skating all around my face is red as a fucking tomato. I do it. Um, Jesus. Yeah, Bill, I don't think you could do that. Who the fuck does who the fuck is

on Minnesota's? What do they got? They had Zach Parisi. Who's on their lines? You know, who's their first line? Who says second line? Oh, that's right. I'll go to fucking dailyfaceoff.com. You know, these kinds ought to throw me a fucking hot dog or something, man. I hyped the shit out of this. Where am I going here? Minnesota wild. You click right there and all of a sudden the lines. Oh, look at them right there. Thomas Van Nick, the former fucking saver. All right. Didn't he go to the Islanders and that fucking other trade or something? I don't know any of these guys. Mikhail Grandland, Jason Palmerville, Jason. Hey, wait a minute. Where's Zach Parisi? Did he get traded? Is he injured? No, is he? He is nice. I don't

wish ill will on anybody. Hope he just twisted his fuck. Maybe he's got a hang nail. You know, and every time he puts his gloves on, it hurts. And he goes, Oh, try it again, Zach. Oh, you know, Zach, you can sit it out tonight. You know, maybe we'll get a win. Oh, look at that guy, the fucking right wing on the second line. Needle. Needle, need a redder. Oh, Jesus. Um, anyways, let's get back to the podcast here. So, uh, I have been not doing shit. I slept for like two straight fucking days. It's all I did. I put on my old PJs, old Billy PJs. I didn't do fucking shit for two days. I haven't drank. I haven't smoked. I haven't left the fucking house other than to walk my dog. And I'm still exhausted. I think that

last, uh, the last, you know, you go hard for a month, people, you know, when you're 47 and basically a half, if I can say my age, like a little kid, I'm 47 and five months. You know, and you drink every night for like a month straight, essentially. Yeah, that's going to do some damage. So, uh, I figured, you know, I beat the shit out of my body for 30 days, balance it out by taking four days off. That math works out in my world. Um, speaking of which, dude, you know what? Somebody sent me this book and I'm only in, I read the forward and I'm into the first chapter. And if you're into standup comedy, um, this book so far seems unfucking believable. It's called the comedians, um, drunk thieves, scoundrels

and the history of American comedy by Cliff K. L. I. P. H. Nester off. And I have to tell you already, I'm absolutely blown away by just the stories from the vaudeville days. And even like in the middle of the book, when I'm looking at these pictures of some of these comics that I never heard of, um, what the fuck is this guy? There was a guy in like 1962. We used to be like a blue, bluegrass musician and he became a standup comedian and he did this album called the first family, uh, 1962 Vaughn meter, I hope I'm saying his name right, had the highest selling comedy record of all time up until 1962. I'm assuming doing his impression of president Kennedy. All right. When the president was assassinated,

um, meter plunged into a melt, a mental breakdown. By the way, there's a typo on this. Said Veter Vaughn meter. They call them Veter in the next line. Um, but anyways, yeah, so he was crushing it doing this Kennedy impression and then Kennedy gets whacked and he's completely fucked. And, uh, in fact, there's another story in here with that night. I kind of just blew the joke, but, uh, Lenny Bruce did not cancel his show. Most people did. Reminded me in 9 11. Well, they just sort of, there was no comedy shows for about three, four days. Uh, but nobody, uh, I guess they canceled all comedy shows, but Lenny Bruce did his any way and, uh, walked on stage, very solemn and kind of looked down at the ground. The

crowd was all quiet and he just looked up and was like, man, Vaughn meter is fucked. Never know what he was. I feel bad for the guy. 1962. He's riding high 63. The guy does the impression of gets whacked. 1965. He's broke. Flat fucking broke. Can't get a goddamn job by the early seventies. He's back in Maine singing bluegrass music. Once again, the name of the book is the comedians by clip K. L. I. P. H. Nester off N E S T like nest, like what a bird sits in till it gets booted out by its mother nest E R off. Um, two Fs. It's not of, it's not Nester of it's Nester off, but, uh, it seems great so far. And, um, there's already just looking at the pictures. I didn't know Joan Rivers was, was not in a comedy team.

She was in a comedy almost troop with two other fucking guys and she lasted six months with them before she's just like, yeah, fuck this. I'm out. Um, so I can't wait to read the rest of that. But anyways, I have not been doing shit. Um, I just went over and I did, uh, I had a voice over for a, uh, for a TV show, which is cool, man. You know, um, did that in the morning and then I was going to go over and do something productive and ended up being in a part of the city where somebody showed me where there was a good burger and I got the burger. And then down the street, there was this place where you get an ice cream sandwich that has a fucking that instead of having the sandwich part, it's

actually a donut. I know what you think it built. Jesus Christ. What are you doing? And it's like I'm on the rails and I'm off the rails. I ate perfectly the last three days. I was over in that part of the city. My wife was there. She always knows every good place they eat. I folded. I just wanted her to know that I knew where some places were to, you know, and we'd already gotten into a full, he had a brutal fight today. She actually fucking screamed at me. I didn't say anything cause she was right. What happened was, was I was in bumper to bumper traffic out here, right? So we got a green light, but I can't get across the intersection without blocking it. So I'm waiting for the people to pull

up as the light screen. So I hear this guy behind me beep. Then all of a sudden he tries to pass me on the right. Like he's just going to go around me like I'm some sort of bitch. Right. So I step on the gas of my Prius and we fucking drive up and he's trying to cut in and I fucking cut this guy off. He came within a coat of paint of hit in us. All right, but I fucking boxed him out between me and the park car and he had to give in. So now we're just parallel. Nia screamed like a person who was not driving the car and was sitting in the passenger seat, right? Fucking screamed. And initially she starts yelling at the guy and I'm yelling at the guy. He puts the window down. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong? He

was like, what the fuck? He's still opening the fucking green light. I'm like, there's no fucking room. He's like blah, blah, blah. Nia's screaming at him. And then I go, dude, you're a fucking psycho pointing at my own head. You're a fucking psycho. He goes, you're a fucking psycho too. Now looking back, I should have been like, I, it's a decent point, but you know, I wasn't, I wasn't in psycho move until you did that Mad Max shit. You fucking cunt. And then this is what kills me. Nia rolls the window up and then the fucking guy goes around me on the left this time and makes a left and leaves. So that's the end for him. Now Nia is just sitting there like shaking with their arms crossed and I'm like, ah,

fuck, here we go. And I just, so I'm trying to be funny about it. I'm like, Hey Nia, great job. You really gave that guy hell. And, and then she just fucking staring ahead. And I'm like, I'm like, are you mad at me? And she just screamed like, he almost hit this side of the car, the side that I was on, like freaking out. And I was just like, yeah, Jesus. And then I wanted to apologize. And I started thinking about Johnny roast beef and good fellas, you know, when he buys the pink Cadillac, you know, this fucking Jimmy's going, what's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? He just keeps going. Sorry. It's, it's in my grandmother's name. Like I just kept picturing his dumb face. Unfortunately, she didn't look

at me because I had a smirk on my face because that's what I felt like because she was 100% right. So like a good 10 miles of silence in stop and go traffic. So that's the equivalent of like 40 miles of, I didn't live in such an overcrowded city. And she's just like, you know, she her face, she has like three different levels of mad. And she was at like the top level of mad. I kept looking over, you know, her bottom lip was still stuck out like a, you know, she was a little dog that was mad, you know, the little brother right before he cries, like, is he going to cry or is he going to punch me in the head? You know, when you do that, when you push your little brother too far, you're like, he's even going to start

swinging or start crying. I don't know. I want to lean back a little bit, get the arms up. Right. She had that look on her face. And the next time I looked over, it was just an angry face. And then I looked over again, then her arms would just crossed. So I know at that point that you can actually talk to her. So I tried to cute my way out of it. I said, listen, you were 100% right. She goes, that's right. I was I got, all right, let me rephrase that. You were 110% right. And she gave me shit back again. I said, all right, look, you were 120% right. And that's my final offer. Right. Got a little bit of a smile out of it. But she was fucking mad at me. And then I tried to turn it around on her. I tried to say like, that's why I'm

successful because I don't take shit from other people. Like, like that's a situation that you need to take shit and just let the fucking maniac go. Who gives a shit bill? Why do you give a fuck? Why do you immediately go into like, like lunatic mode? And I was actually thinking about it when I was driving home, how my wife's energy is so much more chill than mine. And I'm like, am I just like, like a car engine that just idols higher? And I can't fucking, you know, I'm just burning through the tank of gas, or do I wake up in the morning chill? Like she does. And I just don't let life affect me. No, and I let she doesn't let life affect her the way it affects me. And I actually think it's I think it's a little more the second one. I think I just need to fucking

relax a little bit. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm yelling at the guy, you're a fucking psycho, you're a what? What do I do? I know that guy knows all that jujitsu shit. Seeing you know, he's got me down, you know, he's passed my guard, I'm laying on the street, you know? All of a sudden, my Prius goes into gear and it runs over my wrist and snaps my watch band, but doesn't break any bones because it's a Prius, right? The fuck is wrong with me? So it was like a perfect day. I'm on vacation. She was loving that I was relaxed and all of that. And within two seconds, one cunt fucked up my whole day. And what was really making me laugh was that guy was by himself. So the second he went around me and made the left, it was over. He left. And then there I was

getting yelled at by my wife for the next fucking 10 miles. And I was kind of laughing to myself, God, son of a bitch, won. I thought I won when he didn't get in. I thought I won. I didn't. I didn't. I won the first round. Then got the old right there friend. When I went to the judges, right? So it's fucking pathetic. Anyways, what a dick. I didn't think it was him, like, because he had like this foreign car, but had like an American car sounding horn. So I didn't think it was him. So it was off my game. And he almost got around me. I was probably stupid, right? Oh, fuck you. You don't make mistakes. We all make mistakes. All right, let's read a little advertising here for this week.

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code Burr. Jesus Christ, I could barely get through that. I'll tell you what, I didn't have a problem getting through. It's over the last couple of days when I wasn't sleeping. Me and Cleo watched all of season one of peeky blinders and you have no nothing but no robbery. What a fucking show that was. And by the way, if you want to get into it, I'm gonna let you know the first episode and a half is a little slow because they're setting up the story. Also, you got to go into captions and just have English subtitles go in the whole time. It will really help you out because you can't understand. I mean, I can't understand a lot of what the fuck they're saying. And then you understand most of it except for the last word and it's a completely

different. Like, you know, they say whore, hire your second hire. What? I mean, I knew he was calling her a whore because of the situation. But all you just said, he just stuck his face right in her grilling, just goes hire. That he's a pirate like our, our meaty. No, he's calling her a second hire, your second hire. Right, which one are you using charge? Well, I'll be oldest. Right, I can see that. You're making fun of me, brother. Right. So he's the oldest and you're the thickest. So you must be in charge. They got lines like that there. It's just, it's fucking great. I watched all of the first season. And now I'm going to binge watch the next season as every disc book on comedy because I am on fucking vacation. I'm not playing drums. I'm not flying

helicopters. I'm not doing shows. I'm not doing shit. All right, I'm trying to eat right. I'm working out a little bit. But I'm just laying in my fucking bed, like that fucking dude with the spruce goose playing what the fuck was his name, Howard Hughes. Right. That's old Billy Booze is laying here like Howard Hughes until I feel like getting up again. I ain't doing shit. The Bruins come on and an hour and 12 minutes. I'm watching those fuckers. I got Thursday night football. I'm sitting here with my dog. It's the fucking best best year of my life. Best year of stand up. The best gig I could have possibly ended on. I'm still flying high over that. It's just fucking perfect. And it's getting to that time of year out here in LA where it's cold. It starts to rain.

This the fucking air quality is way better. It's not even a smog man because the cars burn so much cleaner nowadays. It's really just all the dust and sand and dirt and fucking just, you know, shit from other human beings. It just kind of gets settles down to the ground. It's fucking there's like a snow cap mountain out here that you can't you can't see most of the year. It starts to come out. You know, people start going home for the holidays. The city becomes more the level of population it should be. It's just fucking great. And yeah, nothing but nothing but good, good thoughts that I mentioned. I'm going to go see the King's Hawks game. November 28. It's Staples Center. I mean, to me, I feel like in a hockey way that's like

it's kind of like back in the day in the 70s when the Steelers and Cowboys played where you're just like how many Hall of Famers are in this fucking game? Although the Hawks, I don't know, they let so many people go. But Taves is going to make it, right? Patrick Kane is going to make it. Got at least two over there. Fucking Mike Quicks going to make it. What the fuck's that guy's name? It looks like Dave Grohl. Drew Doughty's going to make it. I mean, it's just a bunch of, you know, who knows, maybe Copatar. I don't know. So you got the numbers. I'm not good at that shit. I just know like these are the two fucking teams. As much as the Canadians are playing well, and I want to watch them on the package because I don't even know it's the Canadians. I like watching

great hockey. They're in the East. So I would watch the Habs if they played the Hawks or the Kings or the Stars or somebody out there on the West, because I just still think it's all about the West. They're just fucking bastards. They've been dominating forever here. So I'm going to check that game out. Steph Curry's coming to town tonight. I'm going to watch him. You know what's cool? Kevin Durant said he's the greatest shooter of all time. And that sounds like a Verzi thing, like how he says that so early on. But I got to tell you, I don't disagree. Like this is the one time where I'm like, dude, this guy's, he's doing shit like you're seeing like the Harlem Globetrotters, but he's fucking doing it in a real game. He's unbelievable. And

that's on my bucket list to see him live. I can't go to the game tonight, but I definitely want to see him. Like when he plays the Lakers, because I feel like Kobe's going to dig down deep and try to have another one of his back in the day games, you know, but it's unreal. So anyway, so anyways, not boozing, not smoking any cigars and resting up. So it's not too hard not to, for me, it's not that hard to just quit boozing and smoking when I'm this tired. But I got a feeling out, you know, there's a place down the fucking street, somebody told me about has got this cognac that's like, I don't know, I don't know what happened like fucking Louis the 14th, got whacked in the back of the head and his fucking cognac slid down his sock and into a

fucking hole and somebody found it. Anyway, somebody's got a bottle of this shit. So I'm already thinking I got to go down and try. What are you doing, Bill? The fuck are you doing? What's wrong with you? But anyways, I'm not doing any standout. I'm not doing shit. So I really don't have anything to fucking talk about. Oh, did you guys see that fucking guy school those two people on? On he schooled me too, by the way, on my saying schooled, I'm not too fucking old to say that, made some great points that the people on CNN could not refute. When he was talking about people who are just blaming the Muslim religion for terrorism, like everybody there, everyone who's a Muslim wants to fucking mutilate women and do all this

fucking shit. This guy was destroying these two people on CNN. And what blew my mind is in a lot of ways the people on CNN, when it came to the Muslim religion were just as uninformed as I am in a lot of ways, like, you know, when they were talking about those mutilating women and shit. Hey, the guy's just going like, yeah, that happens in this country in this like Sudan, CNN, like two African countries. And they're like, yeah, that was a Muslim country. He goes, no, they're not that Christian countries. And he really just broke it down where it's not the religion. It's, it's depending on what country they were trashing, like Turkey or something like kind of lump them in. And he goes, no, they don't do that in Turkey. They don't mutilate women.

And Turkey, actually there's women rights and they've elected more women to positions of political power, you know, intelligent, informed, logical, like thought, as opposed to these morons that think that they're tough, who go, we got to fucking wipe them all out, go to fucking kill everybody. Fucking if you fucking into that religion, you just fucking kick like that dumb shit that they that what kills me is that CNN is starting to come around to and just be like, yeah, this is like a violent religion and all that, you know, look, look at the, what kills me, what fucking kills me, especially with Christians is the lack of honesty with your own fucking religion. Are you really going to fucking sit there? Because if you're going to indict these people

because of their religion, then I could go with you as far as if you say all religion, eventually you're going to have some wing nuts that it's going to cause them to do some fucking horrific shit. You know what I mean? You can't as a fucking Christian, especially a Catholic. I'll just speak for my religion here. There's fucking rap sheet. You know, when they fucking whenever you watch like an NYPD blue or one of those do shows and they always, there's always that guy, he's got a rap sheet a mile long, armed robbery, fucking assault and battery, you know, twisting parking meters off and spending the change down on an arcade. This kid spent more days in jail than he has out. That's my religion.

That's my fucking religion. We're the inquisition. We have the crusades. We were in bed with the Nazis. Do you know Jewish people when they were trying to track where the fuck their property went to? They ended up at the Vatican and we're like, Oh, was that yours? Oh, sorry. We were, you know, we didn't know who was going to win. So, you know, we kind of had a fucking getting bed with both people and sorry about that. Pedophilia, torture. I mean, just horrible shit, torture, genocide, you name it. You name it. Go right down the whole fucking commandments. They've broken every fucking one of them. And see that one and that right there is the kind of thing that makes me question the validity of an afterlife and being judged. Okay, because that's what they're peddling,

but their actions, they're not worried about judgment on any fucking level. So it makes me think that, you know, well, maybe we just go into the ground and we decompose and we give life to something else. You know what I mean? But they created this mommy and daddy thing, you know, either going to get an ice cream or get a spanking to keep everybody in fucking line. And then maybe they know it's bullshit. Like maybe when you get high enough in the church, they just go, all right, they close the door, you know, and they're sitting there and they're stupid get ups, right? And the guy just goes, look, here's something you need to know. You can't tell anybody or we'll deny it and we'll kill everybody that you know, and that you're related

to. All right, here's the real deal. He looks left. He looks right. He looks back at him, shrugs his shoulders and he just goes, we made it all up. Yeah, yeah, we just made it up. Not being good or bad, you know, being good, bad, you know, makes sense. The moral compass you're born with, but the whole afterlife is. And we have no proof. We have no idea. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, I mean, he, he lived, but you know, we kind of, we, we hyped it up a little, we kind of oversold it, you know, maybe he didn't walk on water, maybe maybe waited into it a little bit. And was the first guy to do the butterfly stroke or the backstroke, maybe, which back then, no one ever done that. No, we thought to be on their back when they swam. So that was equivalent to

walking on water. And they didn't have leprosy. They just had a, they said a rash, and it just sort of cleared up naturally anyways, but I, they did talk to him, you know, so whatever. But you know, that's also why I don't watch the news. I actually love, that's why I love Facebook. I'm an old white guy. I love Facebook. I love going on it and just clicking on the fucking videos. And I'll try to get a link. I don't know how to copy and paste that shit. But that guy just totally fucking just making sense and not demonizing everybody over there. Whenever they start talking like that, I swear to God, that's just like, it's unbelievably ignorant. And all that is, that's just big business talking.

You know, they're all evil. I get in the machine going, they're all evil. You gotta fucking do all this shit and spend all this fucking money. And then we'll make a ton of money. And when the tab comes along, we're giving it to you guys. Yeah, go fuck yourselves. Sorry, that's just my own view. By the way, the efforts for family trailer is out. And thank you everybody who retweeted it. We got over a million views between Facebook and YouTube. Tremendous positive response to it. I'm very, very excited. And my phone is going fucking nuts here. What's going on here? Oh, you know what? I got another, I got it. I'm actually going to post a clip here to my Twitter account. Sorry, good take ups. That's what happens when you have

burgers and a fucking ice cream sandwich at jerk. I'm actually going to tweet this out right now. It's a video of just showing Frank the characters face that I'm doing the voice for, which is an amalgam of my dad and everybody's dad in the writers room. And they have some of the outtakes of some of the shit I said. So I'm going to post that today. Oh, and also, oh my god, I almost forgot the Patrice O'Neill, the fourth annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit to benefit his surviving family members and also to keep the name alive of the greatest stand of comic I ever saw alive. And I'm not understating it at all. It's going to be Tuesday, January 26, all the proceeds other than what we have to pay out to rent the fucking building, which isn't that bad. Everything

else goes to his to his loved ones. And it's been a tremendous, tremendous success every year. And it's become like this high school reunion. And we got some new blood in there. We got the classics. You know, David Tell is going to be there. Jim Norton, Rich Voss has always will be hosting. And we got Russ Maneve, who was a great friend of Patrice, hilarious comic. And they were forever writing scripts, trying to get Patrice's voice on TV. And Godfrey's going to be on there. Artie Lang is going to be there this year. That's going to be fucking sick. I will be down there. And Rachel Feinstein is going to be there. Who else? I'm the worst. I should have had all that information out in front. I'll have it for you on Monday, but tickets are

on sale now. I tweeted it out. I Facebooked the whole fucking thing. I'll do it again. But it's going to be Tuesday, January 26th. And it's going to be a wonderful night as always. So thank you guys. Everybody's already bought tickets. We're already almost halfway sold out. And the gig isn't for another couple of months. So get your tickets now while you still can. And that is it. That's it for the Thursday afternoon podcast. God bless you. Have a great weekend, your cunts. And he's a little bit of music that I don't know what it's going to be. And I'm not the guy that picks it out. And you know, I didn't because it's not arena rock from the 1980s. I am the worst. I'm like 15 years behind in music, you know,

I know a little bit of the shit just because, because I'm, you know, because I ride around with me every once in a while. That can only mean one thing, right? Something something you you you that guy call you on yourself. I do like the drums on that. Because I'm a drummer, right? Goes from fucking 16th, the 30 seconds to 16th, no triplets on the hi hat while they keep the fucking groove the same. You think I'm not going to go fuck with that? My pajamas? Will it make me a better person? I don't know. All right, have a great weekend, your cunts. I'll talk to you on Monday. I'm going to go holiday shopping with all these fucking maniacs and get pepper sprayed

because I'm trying to buy a juicer. You know, I haven't I don't have one ounce of fucking sympathy for any fucking idiot out there. I don't give a fuck about your financial goddamn position. Go make a popsicle stick house. Okay, don't fucking go down to Walmart and sit there with your goddamn fucking big gulp face pressed against the glass, trying to run down a fucking an aisle with four and other crazed maniacs trying to get a waffle iron. The fuck is wrong with you. Walk in there like a gentleman. All right, go in there some other time when it's not fucking mayhem. And why don't you do this? Pay full price and buy less shit. Why don't you do that? You know, and let me guess, is this insensitive? Well, what about the people that don't have any

money? Well, then you just buy less shit. How you know, you know, the fastest fucking way to still having no money is to go down to a fucking department store and buy a ton of shit. These people that they're fucking idiots. You know, I'm not saying that they weren't blessed that they didn't get some gifts from a higher power. I'm not saying that I'm not saying that some of them can't sing a song, can't do a dance, can't fix a fucking motor. I'm not saying that this is why I'm saying you're a fucking idiot because you're buying into the hype the same way those stupid fucking nerd cunts buy into this fucking I whatever iPad, iPod, the new iPhone, every fucking goddamn six months, they get themselves all worked up into

this fucking frenzy. And they're going on the website trying to tell me how many there how many there it's it's completely it's false panic. It's manmade. I swear to God, you know, it kills me as Walmart has I have not been able to find their reaction to basically I mean, aren't they in a sales way, screaming fire in a crowded movie theater. Isn't this what I mean every fucking year I remember this security guard got trampled he had a fucking heart attack guy died because somebody's trying to go down and buy a fucking He-Man doll for half price. You know, so somebody can pop the head off and have a toddler get it lodged in their throat. These are all facts people all this shit's happened. All right, Porter Ranch. What a fuck is Porter Ranch? That just sounds

like the one of those states right just a good old boy. Never meaning no harm went down to the Walmart to get some fucking chaps and he shot an unarmed man gotten his challenger and then he fucking drove away. What the fuck is it? I lost it. Woman pepper sprayed Porter Ranch. All right, Porter Ranch. Would you like balsamic vinaigrette or would you like the Porter Ranch? Here we go. You can't Porter Ranch. Now that's fucking Los Angeles. Get the fuck out of here is in a fluid neighborhood in the northwest region of the San Fernando Valley. See, look at me getting exposed for the more on I am. That's even worse. You know, I refuse to believe that rich people went down to a fucking Walmart with pepper spray. I'm not buying this one. Have they seen the lady who did

it? Anyways, people stop buying into this fucking crap. You know, take some power back in your own life. You know what you should do on Black Friday? Stay home. St. Patrick's Day. A bunch of morons going out, drinking their faces off, being loud, the green alligators singing these stupid songs with plastic hats on their heads, and eventually they're really gonna punch you in the face or throw up on your shoes. Stay home. Like a fucking gentleman. Go out, go down to the liquor store, get yourself a nice bottle of scotch, have a few friends come over, you know, make your corn beef sandwiches there, you know, and then watch some fucking Irish mob movie. Go watch State of Grace or some shit. I don't fucking know. But you don't go down there for that horseshit. You don't

go out on Valentine's. Go on a Valentine's. Go get yourself sushi that's been marked up 300%. Go fuck yourself. You go out on the 15th. I can't say I love you on that day. You know, independent thought people on a very low level. I'm not reinventing the wheel. I'm just realizing there's other days in the year where you can go and walk into a store and buy a fucking flowbee without getting run through with a fucking swifter mop handle. Ah, it's just should have said swifter. There's a lesson in comedy without getting run through by a fucking swifter. That would have been funny, but I was got run through with a swifter mop handle. It's like I was in a band and I stopped fucking late. Oh, Jesus. Oh, geez, Bill, you can't even say it funny. Let's

read about this. Porter Ranch. All right, Porter Ranch. The woman accused of shooting pepper spray at other customers at a busy Walmart store in Porter Ranch, injuring 20, was described by police today as about five foot three inches tall between the ages of 32 and 38 with black hair and brown eyes. Police do not have a description of the vehicle the woman was driving. Well, I'd like to make a guess if I could. I'm gonna say she was driving some sort of Chrysler vehicle probably some rusted out cab forward designed, you know, with one of the tail lights, you know, the backup lights hanging down. Los Angeles Police Department fucking detectives said detectives are actively working on the case but are not expected to receive surveillance video

from Walmart until early next week because of technical glitches. How hilarious is that? I bet if that bitch went in there and robbed the fucking store, cleaned out all the registers, how quickly do you think Walmart would have got that video over? Yeah, you know, we don't have technical glitches. That's how fucking powerful Walmart is. They just told the cops to stand down. We'll get you the video when our lawyers are done looking at it. That's what the fuck that means. Do you know how much money we generate for this community? Officer? Huh? I live in a gated community with my own fucking private police force that has better guns than yours. We'll get you the video when we're good and goddamn fucking ready. No wonder Walmart hasn't made a comment.

You know, they never used to have this shit when I was a kid or at the very least it was never reported. You know, they'd start to have sales but it wasn't this fucking mania. I'm an asshole. I got to do that next year. Next year, I'm going to hire a camera crew and I'm going to go down there and I'm going to just fucking start talking to these people and ask them what is all the excitement about? What do you think is in there that's going to make your life better? Huh? What do you think is in there? And don't give me the sad sack fucking story about how you got kids and it's Christmas time and if there's no presents under the fucking tree, what's going to happen? Gee, I don't know. Biggie Smalls seemed to make it work,

didn't he? He just rapped about being broke and everyone related to it and then he made his soul a bunch of albums and then he got shot. All right, that was a bad example. Look, all I'm saying is this. All right, there's no reason. You know, you're probably thinking that I'm trashing you for going, I just don't want you. I want you to just have fucking respect for yourself. Like those fucking idiots when they go to a goddamn game and those skipping jackasses come out with the free t-shirts and everybody reaching over everybody. I just wish once I could just have some sort of crowd mind control and as they sat there, you know, skipping around with their eyebrows up like, huh? Huh? Do you want it? Do you want it? Everybody just sort of sits there staring

back at them until it's so fucking awkward. They just have to throw it and then it just sort of lands in the aisle and nobody picks it up. Then of course, the people on the arena is like, well, someone's going to trip on that. We're going to get sued and then they got to send those skipping jackasses to go pick up all their t-shirts that nobody wanted and then they're left with a fucking truckload of them. That's what I would like to see happen. Stop trying to get me excited about shit. You know what Walmart has in it? It has a bunch of shit. What do they really have in it? Bicycles, form and grills, jackets, rakes. What else do they got? Fucking DVD player. I mean, you can't get one of those for $9 on the goddamn internet. I don't know. I just think if you're

in a financial position, well, you have to risk being trampled to death. Well, you basically have to go to the store version of the running of the bulls to get a goddamn fucking, I don't know, grilled cheese maker. I'm running out of dumb shit to talk about or a PlayStation or whatever the fuck it is. If you have to do that, you can't afford it. If you go out and buy the fucking thing, you're just sticking yourself further behind the fucking rock. Why don't you just have a couple of light Christmases so then you can have a better Christmas? You know, why don't you do that instead of doing what all these fucking dumb cunts and that real housewife wife show do? You know, pay for that cash money, those fucking morons who do not understand money.

You know, oh, I'm on my soapbox this week. Yeah, just live with nothing for a while. As long as you can fucking eat and you got plenty of water, you're fine. Do you realize if you have enough to eat and you have water, do you realize that you're living better than probably a third of the world? Just doing that, having a place to take a shit, having clothes on your back, having toothpaste and a toothbrush. Do you understand how fucking far ahead you are? You don't need any of that shit. And yes, it's nice to have, but it's not worth going down there and falling down and having your wig fall off or your fucking ass crack hang on all the shit that I've seen dislocating your knee, having some poor bastard

trying to hold people back and he has a heart attack and he dies. Oh yes, I'm too small. I need a competitive edge. Let me go get some bear mace. Like, do you understand like how caught up into the fucking frenzy you are that you make those goddamn decisions? You don't even need to be down there. Just go down to a fucking osco drug. Do those things still exist? Whatever happened in the old days, leech mares. Remember that? I was talking about that with some buddies yesterday. Go down to leech mares. Why don't you go down to the lumber yard and go make some toys like a fucking elf? Anything. Anything. You know, other than, I mean, couldn't you just go like, look, we don't have Sadia kids, we don't have money for Christmas this year. All

right. We don't, but I do have money to take you to a ball game. I'll take us all out to a ball game. All right. And just know this, we're going to have better Christmases. But the most important thing is that we're all together and we all love each other and that we don't get trampled by some hot dog eating jackass with a can of fucking bear mace. It's more important to me. Fucking showing up Christmas. You know, dressed up in Santa Claus with your dislocated shoulder and your fucking eyes are all red. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Sad is here. Don't hug Santa, Santa hurts. Um, I don't know. I'm sure I'm going to get some fucking hate mail over this. That was so insensitive to people who don't have money. I know they don't have money,

but they have fucking brains. Bill, why do you always only have one TV? Because I live within my means, which is why I don't go down to Black Friday and get trampled by some fucking big gulp tub of shit with a can of mace. All right. Those people who got mace, they, that lady did them a favor. Do you think any of those cunts are going to come back next Friday or next Black Friday? You think they're going to come down there for that shit? They're not. They got to beat down they deserved, which brings me to our one and only YouTube video of the week. Did you guys see the the beat down at McDonald's with that dude was standing there and these two ladies came into the McDonald's. It's the one right down there on, uh, uh, you get off the West fourth street

E train right there down in the village, you know, two blocks over Joe's pizza. That's a good slice of pizza. All right, right as you come out of there, Spike Lee's probably filming people playing basketball and handball going, yo, this is New York city. All right. I trashed him on Twitter yesterday. He was talking shit about my Boston Celtics, you know, so I, I said something, but I kept it funny hoping that he would still put me in one of his movies, you know, and I could either play a complete nerdy white guy who doesn't understand Black people or an over the top racist. Um, anyways, I give a fuck. Get me in a movie. I'll do it. So anyways, that McDonald's down there. So these two ladies, they walk into the McDonald's, okay,

and they try and buy a goddamn Big Mac and a Happy Meal and they throw a $50 bill on the counter right there, major red flag. Who the fuck pays for McDonald's with a $50 bill? Who even has $50 and is going to go into McDonald's? Nobody. There's not been a $50 bill in McDonald's since they started that fucking place. So these ladies try to pass this 50 and the guy behind the counter, he starts looking at the 50 and he's like, excuse me, ladies, I don't think that this is real. So they go, listen, motherfucker, you better give us a goddamn fish filet and whatever, quarter pound with cheese and give us a fucking change or we're going to fuck you up. And he said, I don't think so. And then this girl just hauls off and slaps the guy, slaps them. And then the

other one, and then she climbs up over the counter. Now the other one just starts just really slowly just walking around the counter like, well, I guess we got to fuck this guy up. This is what we do. And the guy backs up into the fry later area. And I don't know where the fuck he found this goddamn lead pipe. It was like a cartoon, like in the cartoons, when Bugs Bunny would just sort of, you know, he'd be standing sideways, you'd have a side view and he'd have a problem and he would just turn to the blind side and all of a sudden he'd have a giant hammer and he'd hit Elmer Fudd over the head and you'd be like, where the fuck did that come from? Was that leaning up against his right rabbit leg and I didn't see it? How did Elmer Fudd not fucking see it?

How would that gigantic head of his, how did he not view that as a threat? This guy did the real life version of that. He was backing up, backing up, and he was next to some french fries and next thing you know, he's got this lead pipe. Oh, and he just fucking starts wearing these girls out with it. Bam! Bam! Bam! I gotta give it up to those girls. They took a good three four each and then they disappeared under the counter and he just keeps fucking hitting them. Bam! Bam! Bam! And this lady's going, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! And he just keeps fucking going. Like a fucking, like this bitch is screaming. It's like those little doggie toys. You know those little doggie toys that squeak. You know they make those little noises. You know why dogs get so excited?

Because it sounds like a fucking animal dying and it taps into their wild animal side. So this bitch is thinking she's helping shit. She should have been like, excuse me, is that something you really want to do? Instead she's going, stop it! Stop it! And this guy's, he just fucking, he won't stop hitting them. Will not stop fucking hitting them. All right? So you know how this shit works. Fucking two ladies attack a guy. It doesn't make a difference. They can sit there and slap you around like you're a fucking cartoon. You're supposed to be like, I'm their woman. I need to respect them. This guy said, fuck that. Fuck that. And like Bugs Bunny turned to the side and there was this magic lead pipe and he fucking kicked the shit out of both of them. So of course he gets arrested

for assault. And I gotta admit, I was totally supporting what he was doing through the first 37 hits. It's the last 19 that I'm just like, all right, all right, okay, okay. Nia was saying he actually was like that dude in drive when he stomped that kid's, that guy's head in in the elevator. He kind of went to that level. But at the end of the day, I'm like, well, that's why you don't go around slapping people in the fucking face because they might have gone to magician school and they know how to magically have a fucking goddamn lead pipe out of nowhere. All right, so this guy's going to trial and I'm thinking there's no fucking way. Then you find out this dude actually has a record. This guy went to jail for manslaughter. All right. And he got out. And there's only two

places that you can get a job after you've gone to jail for manslaughter. You can either get into show business, or you can work at McDonald's. All right, you can't get a job at fucking Macy's. There is a glass ceiling. When you go to jail for fucking manslaughter, that's it. Unless your dad owns a company, you can get into sales. You can sell somebody a fucking piece of shit car, but you're not selling a Mercedes. You're going to be at Sam's hot car lot down the street, right? Reservoir dogs, anybody? That's why right there, okay, before I even continue talking about this story, that right there, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't walk around slapping perfect strangers in the face. It's because you don't know their backstory. You don't know what they've done.

You don't know what they're capable of doing. This is a guy who already took somebody's life. And you're looking at him like, oh, hey, what's up there, Mick French fry guy? Take this 50 or I'm going to slap the shit out of you and you don't realize that this guy has been in fucking prison. All right, he probably knows how to turn that piece of paper with Ulysses s grant, turn that into a fucking shank somehow. He figured out how to fucking do it. You know what I mean? So these two ladies get an unbelievable life lesson in why you can't walk around acting like you're some action hero in real life. So anyway, so it goes to trial and I can't fucking believe it. I'm like, there's no way this guy's not getting convicted. He's fucking he's a guy. He beat down two women

with a fucking pipe. He went above and beyond with this shit and he's has a record. It's fucking over. Right? It's over. He's not rich. You know, it's over. This guy is going to jail. I can't fucking believe it. He got off the guy got acquitted. So for once on the podcast, I'm actually happy. And I can tell you this, if they convicted of a lesser charge, because he just kept hitting them. I wouldn't have been mad because I would have been like, dude, they were down. They were fucking down and they were down and then they were part of the tile and you was still fucking hitting them. We have this clip, by the way, on the M.M. podcast page has now been turned over. The new fan page is just billbird.com. You just go to my podcast page.

And anyways, we'll have the video up there and I'll let shit. So anyway, he got off and they charged the women with shit and I don't think that they're getting off. They'll probably get lesser because they're because they're women. You know what I mean? And that's just women always get less time, it seems. You know, because at the end of the day, the judge thinks, well, maybe if I give him a little less time, they'll come over here and blow me under my robe. I don't know what the deal is. I told you that story a few weeks ago when I saw that this amazing trumpet player, you know, and I was like, man, I never heard of this guy. And I found out he was murdered by his fucking girlfriend in 1972 and she got out of jail in 1978. I would go to jail longer for parking

tickets than she did for killing a guy shot him right up on the bandstand, took out a gun and fucking shot this. They had an argument. She left. She came back with the gun and she shot this dude on the fucking bandstand. All these goddamn witnesses. And she did that in 72 and was out by 78. So let's just say they went, they flew through her trial, sent her right to trial. She still only did five and a half years. I don't know. I don't know how that fucking works. And I bet she was able to forgive herself, the fucking sociopath that she is, and she was able to go on and live her life. And then that guy is in the ground cold as his goddamn trumpet. I can feel your eyes go through me, but I don't know why. Oh, I know you're going, but I can't

believe advice for the week. Number one, Bill, my wife and I are both workout people, triathlons, half marathons, et cetera. You guys are going to get his and her hip replacements in your fucking early sixties. Last year we started attending a class. Oh, dude, this is fucked up. I remember this one. Last year we started attending a class to help with this, to help with this. Oh, we're working out and the instructor seemed like a good shit. We got along great and he works for the same company we do. This is a huge company in, I'm not going to say where. So it's not like he sits next to me or something. Anyway, we really enjoyed this guy's class and he would email all the people that took the class regularly telling them what they needed for that day's class,

weights, a mat, jump rope, et cetera. It's P90X oriented. So since we were both on the mailing list, we knew his email address. I started to see things happening. My wife was emailing him a lot. He was emailing her a lot. It was a conversation between them via work email, which is okay, I guess, but then they started texting each other. Oh, and it was frequent and come downstairs and hear a phone snapshot and I'd say, who are you talking to? She would always say, no one or just checking my messages, et cetera. Being that I'm a system engineer in technology, I called bullshit and proceeded to capture her passwords on the laptop downstairs. Jesus Christ. He goes, I know, but I wanted to see what was up. So I got her password logged into her phone account online

and lo and behold, she was texting this guy back and forth. First of all, dude, how did you capture her password? This is why I don't bank online. I don't do any of that shit. This is secure. It's a secure site. No, it isn't. Anyways, so he finds out that she's texting this dude, both of them are texting back and forth. And he says, I'm not just saying during the day, a few times, I'm saying throughout the day and up until 11pm at night, even after midnight. And while I'm lying in bed next to her, she would always get pissed if I said anything about who the fuck are you talking to at 11pm? We became mutual friends with this person from the start. And I asked some girls I knew and some guys and some guys that I that both knew them and they both said,

yeah, you need to address it. So I called the dude one night and pretty much said, stop fucking texting my wife at night. Or you or you and I are going to have a problem. And he immediately shut it down. This guy's 5 750 pounds and not some stutter or anything. I'm 61 200 pounds and could easily stomp his ass out. He's an endurance runner, not some super jack guy. He immediately stopped. And every time I saw him in the locker room or the gym, he was very cautious around me and way too nice, almost like it was his way of saying sorry. Everything stopped after that. My question is, was I right doing this, addressing it with him? Basically texting has blurred the lines between what's okay and what's not. Guys and girls always

say, Oh, it was just a text, but no big deal. But I think that's horseshit. It's the same as a phone call to me. So if you want to call my wife while I'm in bed with her, go for it. But they won't texting is a bitch move, which is why so many people get busted doing it. If they were, if they want to email, email each other at work and discuss workout routines, I get it. But having that instant connection through your phone, no matter where they are, is a little odd, especially while I'm in bed right next to her. Am I wrong for putting this bitch in line and telling him to stop it? Yeah, dude. You know what? The only reason why you're asking me if you're wrong is because you busted your fucking wife and right now she's mind fucking

you manipulating you trying to get you. She's basically almost done it almost flipped around. You're actually questioning, am I fucking wrong for fucking catching my wife texting with this other guy at 11 o'clock at night? There's only one reason you text somebody at 11 o'clock at night. Two reasons. Either you ran out of gas or you're trying to fuck them. That's the only two reason people text at that fucking hour of the night. He's trying to fuck your wife. All right. And I don't know what's up with your wife. Okay, because you're going who you texting. Oh, nobody right there. The fact that she goes, Oh, nobody and slams the fucking phone shot right there. She knows she's doing something that ain't fucking cool. This is a very fucking touchy subject. All right.

Because this involves the woman cheating and guys solve problems with violence. So I'm not trying to fucking egg you on here, sir, but you definitely did the right thing. And that's really a what the fuck situation that you're in. That ain't fucking cool. All right. I'm going to step outside of your situation now, sir. All right, other than say that you 100% did the right thing and do not let her fucking worm her way out of it. All right. Personally speaking now, now I'm talking about me. I'm stepping away from this story. If I caught my girl doing it, that's a fucking wrap. It's over. The relationship is fucking over. Go fuck yourself. All right, it's over. It's over. I know where the fuck this is going. I know where the hell this is lead. What the fuck you texting this guy

for 11 o'clock at night? You want to suck his dick? Why? What was he telling you how to do the perfect jumping jack at 1130 at night? He couldn't tell you that at four. He has to email you, text you fucking 9,000 times during the course of the day to tell you how to do a fucking push-up. Give me a fucking break. You're flirting with this guy. You want to fuck him. So relationship is over. Happy fucking Bumbadida, Bumbadida, Bumbadida, right? Happy trails to you. Get the fuck out of here. It's over. That's, that's, that's how you got to handle that thing. The same way fucking Kobe's wife when she busted him cheating rather than taking that big Tweety Bird diamond that she got from him. She's right there. The relationship. It's fucking over. It's fucking

over. Trust is gone. It's fucking over, but he's worth hundreds of millions of dollars, which for some reason she's entitled to half of it. So she stuck around. She stuck around, put in her 10 years. Now he has to pay for her fucking life for the rest of her life. He has to fucking support her like she's a goddamn child and it's legal. Somebody please justify that. I'll never get over it people. I'll keep going back to it till one of you motherfuckers can morally justify the reasoning behind that fucking law. Please stop wasting my time by telling me what the law is in speculating wealth of tables were flipped. Kobe would have done it. I'm not saying who would have done what I'm saying morally. Tell me the reasoning behind that fucking law.

Okay. The only thing I can think of is that back in the day, guys would start families and then jump on the horse and say, I'm fucking out of here and they just left. And then you had this poor woman with four kids and they were in poverty. I get that you want to fucking avoid that. Okay. If that's what the justify, if you're going to try and justify it that way, I get it. But what I would like to introduce is a new modification of that law where there's some sort of salary cap. Okay. I don't think just because you married somebody who's rich, man or woman, that that gives you the fucking right to sit on your goddamn ass for the rest of your fucking life and get arrogant license plates saying his money, her money. I didn't pay for it. I mean, right there,

you wonder why people get killed. That's the kind of shit right there. That's two minutes for instigating right there. If he comes over and fucking slaps the goddamn spit out of your mouth. Why did you do it? Look at her license plate, your honor. Yeah, you know what? That makes sense. The fuck is wrong with you? What do you have that license plate for? That's not how it works. I don't care that she's being a cunt. That's no excuse for treating her like one. I just can't take this. You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps. Oh, I need you. I'm not gonna make this. You know I want to, but I'm in too deep. So listen, listen to me. I can feel your eyes go to me.

I can feel your eyes go to me. It seems you've spent too long over thinking about myself. Now I want to spend my life just caring about somebody else. Listen, you know I love you, but I just can't take this. You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps. Oh, I need you. I'm not gonna make this. You know I want to, but I'm in too deep. You know I love you, but I just can't take this. You know I love you, but I'm playing for keeps. Oh, I need you. I'm not gonna make this. You know I want to, but I'm in too deep. You know I love you, but I just, but I just can't take this. You know I love you, but I'm playing for

keeps. Oh, I need you. I'm not gonna make this. You know I want to, but I'm in too deep. You know I love you, but I love you. I just can't take this. You know I love you, but I'm playing for