Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-2-17

Episode Date: November 4, 2017

Bill rambles about female pilots, hammered people and performing at the Surf Ballroom.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I am just checking in on you. Okay? This is a very somber podcast. I'm fucking you. It's not somber.

I just have to go do a show and I don't want to fuck up my voice before I even go out there screaming like an idiot. I am in Clear Lake, Iowa right now. I am about to do the surf ballroom, the site of the, the final buddy, Holly, Big Bopper, Richie Valens show. I just landed in the airport that they took off from and subsequently died. I don't know if you heard about that. They died along with some music, I believe.

And yeah, I told a lot of people that I was flying into there. He was like, dude, what are you out of your mind? Oh, good luck, dude. Good luck. You know what I mean? They don't say that when you fly out of LAX, right? Some fucking moron flew his plane into a commercial airliner at LA, you know, when the guy was on final.

So I mean, I don't understand what the deal is. The reason why they're playing crash is because they didn't have the technology back then. There was the, the, the, the ice on the wing, okay? Not only adding weight to the aircraft, it changes the shape of the fucking wing. So it doesn't produce the lift you need. And then you got the big bopper in there. He's a big guy and you got yourself a problem. All right.

Now, we all know that I've been off the booze. I've been losing weight. So I'm flying in. I'm not flying in. I'm riding in and I'm in a prop plane coming down from Minneapolis. And of course, you know, when you're flying commercial, you look at a prop plane like, dude, what the fuck, you know? But if you just knew how much the plane probably cost, I was, I don't know, probably two.

It's probably got $2 million plane, all right? That can seat 10 people. Now if you just look at that, like, what if I own that? What if I own one of those? If you had a 10 passenger fucking plane, you are the shit. Everybody's like, this guy, he's, dude, he's got a fucking plane. He's got a plane. What does it hold?

10 people. Get the fuck out of here. That guy's crushing it. But the second you fly commercial and it's a 10 seater, everybody gets all fucking freaked out. Like, I'm not getting in that piece of shit. The exact same plane that if your buddy down the street went and bought it, you would think that he hit the lottery, all right?

Lot less moving fucking parts. So I get on the thing and I immediately text a buddy of mine who's fucking terrified of flying just to watch, you know, I was, I really wish that he was there, that buddy of mine outside of comedy. So I'm taking the picture as the lady who's going to fly it is doing the, the announcements telling us basically what not to do. And he goes, dude, there's no fucking way I would be on that plane. And then he saw the woman's face.

He goes, is that the pilot? And I go, yeah. And he goes, no, no way. He said not for females. Fucking unbelievable. What do you mean not for females? She doesn't have to bench press it. It's a fucking machine.

Jesus Christ. And because the guy's like you, she probably went through extra bullshit to become a pilot. I think she's going to be fine. She crushed it. Of course. Not for females. Um, I don't know, I'm sure some women will be offended by that, but it really just had to do with this person's fear of flying.

You know what I mean? He wants, you know, he basically wants the pilot. I don't know what to look like, to look like fucking Lee majors of some shit. And to be honest with you, most of them don't because they sit up in that uncomfortable chair their whole life and they got a quick turn around. Because they run and they eat airport food and a lot of them, a lot of them look like, you know, if they didn't have like that, uh, actually, you know what, if you went to a Buffalo Wild Wings and you took the average football fan, you know, draft kings, fucking

jalapeno poppers, fucking loud moron, and you took that fat fucks jersey off and you put on a pilot, you put him in a pilot uniform and he told you flew for America and you'd believe it. You know, not saying that the average pilot is as dumb as the average dope that goes to a fucking sports bar, myself included, I'm saying that they have the same body type. That's all I'm saying. All right, so anyways, you don't think that was fucked up is that, uh, I guess it's probably a numbers thing.

There was only 10 of us, including the pilot, and it was one of those flights where, you know, they, they got to like weigh your bags, all of that shit. They tell you where to sit, you know, the whole weight and balance thing. And then one of the passengers gets to sit up in the copilot seat and I was just thinking like, that's the only part about this that I don't like, that there's only one pilot here. Uh, you know, flying commercial, there should be two people in case somebody has some sort of cardiac episode or, uh, or whatever, right?

That was the only thing I was concerned about, but it was, uh, of course it was a cloudy day and all that shit, um, but, uh, it was incredible. So anyways, um, I think I might do this podcast in two parts because I'm so excited to be playing this venue here tonight. I'm here with Dean Delray were freaking out that we're going to get to play this place and it's still the original stage. Uh, most of these places, they don't have the original stage because whoever was legendary who played there didn't immediately go out, get in a plane and then died.

So immediately that place became like this shrine. So they, they've added to the stage, but the wood flooring is the same. Like we're going to stand on the same fucking wood. I don't know if you're into that type of stuff. Um, I am. So I'm very excited. I guess everybody's ever played there is signed the wall. I'm going to try to take pictures that they let us know.

So, um, but either way, I'm going to come back and, um, finish out this podcast after I do the show. Um, by the way, um, I hope you guys enjoyed it. I hope you guys enjoyed that live podcast as much as I did. Uh, got a bunch of compliments. People really liked it. I definitely want to do another one. Um, it was weird.

I felt like I was doing stand up, but I was just sort of sitting down on the couch and, um, and I was also like amazed at what people laugh at. You know, I had, you know, I, you know, I just been doing it talking to myself like I am right now forever. I have an idea of what you laugh and that, but I had no idea how much you guys laughed when people wrote in and shit all over me, um, when they, when they ask advice and, um, and then the level of crazy shit that I say on here, just being a fucking moron, I had no idea that people laughed at that.

I just pictured, I always pictured, I always picture guys snickering and then their wives shaking their heads, walking out of the room. That's what I picture when people listen to my podcast. I didn't realize, you know, we had, we had a nice mix of people there. Oh, no, they'll, oh my God. I forgot to tell you, there was this one group of ladies who went to the show that were just hell bent on letting me know that their friend didn't laugh once. Right.

Oh, how did I feel? This is a great story. So I'm standing there. I'm taking pictures, right? Fucking, uh, you know, signing the posters and all that shit for everybody who came out to the podcast, I'm being a great guy. I'm a main guy. I'm being a great guy.

I could have just done the fucking show and I could have hidden the green room afterwards, being like, I'm too tired. I don't want to meet people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to do it because I was in Reno and that guy reached in for his, uh, camera that time and the loaded Glock fell on the floor that he said, oh shit, quickly picked up and ran out of the fucking place. I didn't, I walked out there and I was being a good guy. Right.

So these, uh, these older ladies, right? Um, older meaning they're probably about a year younger than me. You're too younger than me. You never know. It's very hard to guess a woman's age, a white woman's age. You know, you can't tell, you know what I mean? Because they're not big on using lotion. And after you have a kid, like that does something to you, you know, see, you

don't see as a guy, it's hard because as long as we take care of ourselves, we don't have to go through given birth, you know what I mean? Although we do have to live with women. I mean, maybe it just all kind of washes out. I don't know. Anyways, I think they were roughly my age. Um, and also I wasn't in like, uh, I was in Phoenix. Uh, Phoenix is a, yeah, there's enough plastic surgery there that people give

a shit what they look like. Some of these cities should go to like, they, you know, like, do you ever like watch old movies or old TV shows in the seventies and you'll see somebody or you look at a picture of one of your favorite actors. When they're 25, it's like, dude, that guy looks like a 40 year old. Like what 25 used to look like compared to the way it does now. Well, when you go to smaller towns, those people age the way people used to age. Like Lucille Ball going from, I love Lucy to the Lucy show.

She looked like she did it 40 years later. She went from having this really nice voice to be like, I miss the moody like fucking smoke and camel on filters, whatever the hell she did. Um, I don't know, but anyways, what the fuck is my point here? So these ladies come walking up. All right. I could have just said they were about my age, right? Which means they're fucking old.

So they would just say, Hey, you know, you said in that question, you, you, you know, you wanted, I was saying guys, you need to be honest. And they was, I think they, I think what happened was I think that they didn't like what I said about the woman that found out she was banging this guy who had a wife and family. I don't think that they, I don't think they liked the response to that. So they came up because they seemed like they wanted to make me upset because they came up and they were going like, yeah, just to let you know, just let

you know, she, you know, she didn't laugh once. She didn't laugh once. And I laughed because that's funny, right? I was just like, Oh, I'm sorry. Right. And she goes, yeah, I like your standup, but that podcast live podcast, I don't know about that. And I went like, all right.

And she goes, yeah, cause like, I didn't laugh once. And I was like, all right. And then they were going like, yeah, and you said to be honest, and she didn't laugh once. I was just like, all right, cool. So I mean, what do you want me to do? I mean, I had an hour and 20 minutes to make you laugh. I didn't make you laugh.

I mean, I'm sure as hell not going to do it standing there. So I didn't know what they were looking for. And they just kept hammering that fucking point. Going, you said, you said you wanted honesty, but just being honest. I said, I appreciate it. That's fine. You know, and then I finally just said, look, ladies, like everyone else was laughing.

And then I kind of made a motion around the woman who wasn't laughing. I was like, I can survive this. And they all went, ooh, and I was like, I wasn't shitting on her. I just always look at it like the president of the United States. Okay. Like I went in there. There was like four or 500 people there. One person came up and said that they didn't like it.

So just to make round numbers, we'll say 399 out of 400 people enjoyed it. Okay. If a president or a senator had that level of approval rating, I mean, it would be unheard of, un fucking heard of. So I'm going to walk away thinking that was a win. And, um, you know, I don't know, they just, oh, they just kept coming over. But she didn't like it. She did not like it.

And that's the greatest thing you can ever do when anybody criticizes you, just be like, all right. No, wait, I want you to feel the weight of me not liking it. I should have asked, just giving her a refund. How much you paid for the ticket, sweetheart? All right. Tell you what, I'll make a deal. I will give you that money back and whatever else it takes to get

these fucking hens away from me. Good Lord. I was trying to think, what did I say that made him take it to that level? Cause there's no way if they were with some guys, I would think, all right, they got dragged to the show and they were like, who was this fucking animal? Now that's happened to me a million times. And then I sheepishly apologized. It's like, sorry, I'm a moron.

Um, but they came there by themselves, which means they liked me before they went there. So either she truly didn't laugh once, truly did not like it because she just didn't think I was funny or somewhere in there. I pissed her off. I think it might have been that, you know, I'm going to say, uh, it was either the married woman thing, the ovarian cancer. The dead first wives in the snow and Aspen, I'm going to say somewhere in there.

She decided that she needed to tell me that she didn't laugh once, didn't laugh once. I have to tell you, it kind of made my fucking night though. Um, every once, I can't even say every once in a while. Well, it is every once in a while now because I don't go out there. But man, I, oh, Oh God, I had some fucking, I can't. I can't, I'm so old now. I can't even remember the amount of fucking times, especially a lot of women

too, cause I went through a bad period, but a good, I don't know. I'd say like 12 year period out of my 25, just really trash and women. And that just really was just my fucking issues. Um, I'm trying to think what the fuck. I vaguely remember being in North Carolina. And this woman was walking up to the table and it was fucking hilarious. Her boyfriend, her husband was like holding her back. He looked like he was water skiing behind her.

She was drunk or whatever. I can't even remember what the fuck she was saying, cause it was such a spectacle watching that guy trying to hold her back and she was like clawing forward and you know, it looked like, it looked like, you know, like wartime footage when they like split up families. It looked like she was trying to get back to her child. Like that's, that was the level of effort that she was making. Just to come up to me to tell me how much of a fucking moron she thought I was.

And, uh, that was a good night's comedy club. I do remember that. I just don't remember what I said or what she said. I had that one. This is weird. They're all coming to like faceless. I did like, you know, like when you watch like psycho, when he comes in with the knife and you can't see his face, spoiler alert, you can't see his face.

That's what they kind of look like to me. Anyways, I don't want to dwell on this shit any longer, but, uh, anyways, if whatever reason, if that woman who didn't laugh once is still listening to this, uh, I don't know. I don't know what you want from me. I would, you know, something, I would go to the all things comedy network. We have plenty of podcasts. I'm sure there's something else that you could find there.

By the way, the podcast network, uh, the all things comedy podcast network, uh, the first annual, um, podcast festival was a smashing success. We got rave reviews from everybody who came out. I really want to thank everybody. And then also Ari Shaffir, who was just sort of the mayor of the podcast festival where he, he got in Thursday, he jumped on everybody's podcast. He just was, he's just the fucking greatest guy ever. Um, so anyways, with that, how could I go?

How could I go this far into my podcast and not mention the first world championship ever by the Houston Astros? How great is that? That was such a great thing. That was as great to see as it was sad for LA. Yeah, I'm telling you, you got to hate that somebody has to lose a game seven. It's just brutal. I was actually sitting there thinking how cool it would be to actually see

Magic Johnson, he's got an NBA, NBA ring and a world series ring. Does anybody, hey, sports nerds, anybody? No, anybody out there own both of those rinks. I'm thinking back in the day, maybe somebody won the football and the baseball, that was like a big thing for your two sport guy. And those sports didn't really overlap that you could possibly win two titles. Um, but, uh, I don't know about, uh, my fucking stomach is growling. Trying to stay in shape.

But like a three more days in this fucking movie, three more fucking days, I actually, I actually brought in a Caesar salad. I'm going to say that one more time, a Caesar's salad. Okay. And I always want to do that because I love when people start yelling at you about the amount of calories in the dressing and the croutons and yada, yada, and all of that fucking shit and how you might as well have had a steak. Um, I think all of that is bullshit.

Cause you still have the lettuce with all the fucking, you know, pesticides on it. You know, I mean, that's the decision you have to make right now. Do I want to eat a, a cow that ate another cow with hormones in it? Or do I want to eat this thing that was sprayed by DDT or whatever the fuck is in this shit? Um, the end of the day, if you're going to eat bad, if there's a fucking salad, I mean, I'll go with the, the cancerous pesticides that is probably worse to eat one of those things, but I don't want to hear this shit about the fucking dressing.

I didn't want, I didn't want to fuck. I don't want to hear a word about that. Okay. Cause I know I feel after I eat as fucking Caesar salad versus how I feel, if I eat a steak, you know, with a couple of sides, the fuck out of here. That's it. That is it. I'm fucking grabbing at my pants like Matt Foley.

And I, I, I have a gut for like three days after that. Um, I know it's all fucking bad for you. It gives a shit. I just need to hit the elliptical. Um, I started my physical therapy for my rotator cup, uh, injury. Finally. I don't know why it took so long. Like how long have I do that?

He goes, do these exercise three times a day. I go, when should, when, how long should it stay? It's guys like, I don't know, six weeks. Typical German, Irish, stupid, freckled, cunt. I've been dealing with this for a year and a half, like an asshole. I could have just gone to somebody, a goddamn physical therapist that says, yes, we deal with this all the time. This is what works.

Do this. See in a week. So I'm very excited. My shoulder actually feels a little bit better. Um, although being out in this Iowa weather, fortunately, I checked, um, I checked the, uh, weather before it came out here because I wouldn't, you know, live in an LA, you don't think it's just endless sun. It's just endless summer out there.

You sometimes you forget what time of year it is. I actually brought a pea coat out here and I got to tell you, it's fucking killing my shoulder to put it on and off. Um, had to have Dean help me put my coat back on after we ate the worst fucking, the worst fucking meal I've had since I was with Dean Del Rey again when I was in Wyoming and we ate in this little diner. And I think that the short order cook wasn't there that day. And I ordered two eggs over easy.

They came, they were like clear. It looked like fucking breast implants with yolk in the middle of it. What this fucking guy brought. I still ate him cause I was hungry. Remember the waitress came by. She was just like, was that, was that all right? And I was just like, yeah, it's fine. And, um, this time we were walking, uh, I can't even tell you the name of the

airline that we fucking took in here. I don't even know the name of it. It was, it was a play on like Air Force one, like the president. Hang on one second. Let me see if I can find this shit. Oh, fuck you. Pod. All right.

Here we go. Here we go. Andy. What the fuck is it? When a fuck is my, you know what I did when I was on the plane? I deleted like a hundred fucking text messages. You know, you have that thing like, oh my God, I can't delete it. If I delete it, then I don't have the thread.

Like you're trying some case. I just started deleting a bunch of them. You know, it felt good. All right. Here we go. What is the name of this fucking thing? Air choice one. You know, we couldn't even pre-check in for this thing.

You had to walk to the gate. We were in Minneapolis and it was just like, we just kept walking. And I don't know why we didn't take the little monorail thing. We just kept walking and walking. And it was in concourse B, which was like, you went down some stairs and walked underneath the fucking tarmac or some shit to get over to this other side. And, uh, but it was still cool as shit. And then we landed in like the mid city airport.

I think that's what it's called. I don't know what the fuck it's called, but it was, uh, cool as shit airport. You just walk right in to gate agents. There's like 12 chairs down near the baggage claims. I love little airports. Um, anyway, so we were, we were on our way over there and I had the worst fucking food that I have had since when I was in Cheyenne, Wyoming. And I know that place is better than what it was.

I just went there on a bad day. I'm not shitting on Wyoming. I'm not shitting on Cheyenne. All right. Um, I got the meatloaf with the mashed potatoes. All right. And spinach. And, uh, and I want to hear everybody talk about red meat and a starch.

Everybody knows it. Shut the fuck up. All right. I like potatoes with the meat. I don't give a shit. So they put this mushroom gravy on top of it. I swear to God, it tastes, I don't know. It tastes like somebody just took an aerosol can and sprayed it.

It had like a chemical taste to it. It was so fucking bad. I was like, Dean, taste this. Taste this. He was just, you know, he was like, what the fuck? I was like, I know. Then, you know, what fixes everything? What is the duct tape of food?

Huh? Like if you're in construction, right? If you have a problem, duck it, right? You take out the duct tape, you fucking, you know, wrap it around a few times and you're fine. What is the duct tape of food, everybody? We all know it. We all love it.

Salt. Salted the shit out of it. Salt couldn't even help it. I had to go for ketchup. I had to put salt and ketchup on this fucking. I just finally had to tap out. And I always, whenever the waitress comes over, says, how is the food? Even if it sucks, I say, you see, she's, how is it?

I always say it was good. It was good. Thank you. I even said it was good when I had the breast implant fucking eggs over easy, right? And this was the time I was going to be like, if she asked me how this is, I'm going to say this is, I'm just going to say this tastes like this. It's like, I don't know what, like a, like homeless, like some homeless guy soaked his feet in it.

Like I was actually just sitting there waiting for the waitress to come over thinking, how can I accurately describe how fucking horrific this is? And if you're in Minneapolis, in Minneapolis, and you're going to take Air Choice One Airlines, there's a fucking restaurant right to the left. Right before you go down the escalators of don't get the meatloaf with the gravy. All right. Spoiler alert. Oh my God, it was chemical is the only way to describe it.

It wasn't like, what is that ingredient like truffle oil? Truffle oil is fucking obnoxious. It just, it just overwhelms anything that it's on. It's never always their truffle oil in here. It's how much truffle oil is in this fucking thing. It's undeniable. This taste, I, you know, I wish I could have brought it to one of those cooking shows. You know, those fucking guys with like, when and women, they got like those palates going,

okay. Okay. I'm tasting little Reganone. There's chocolates. Oh, like those obnoxious cigar videos with those douchebags, those fucking douchebags sit there smoking a cigar. That is one of the most, like, one of the most obnoxious things you will ever see. Put on a YouTube video and watch a guy do a review of a fucking cigar.

I fucking hate when they say, I'm tasting chocolate. You're tasting chocolate in the smoke, you fat fuck. Would you just go to Friendly's and eat a Jim Dandy? Who the fuck tastes chocolate? What are you fucking smoking one of those cigars that they have dipped in like that sugary shit? You ever have that some fucking guy with a sweet tooth, gives you a goddamn cigar? You got to go like the dentist the next day. All right.

I got to pick this up. I got to go. I'm actually a couple minutes later. I got to go. I'm when I, when I returned, I will tell you what it was like to perform at the legendary surf ballroom for me. It's gonna be an hour and a half for you. It's gonna be a mere second.

And I'm back just like that. Just like that. Two seconds of your life. A good fucking, I don't know what that was, three, four hours of my life. I just performed at the surf ballroom. Clear Lake, Iowa. Unbelievable. One of the coolest and also I got to be on the spookiest places I've ever performed at.

So here's the deal. You pull up. It looks like, it looks like it's from the 1950s. You walk in the exact same door they all walked in. And it was this little green room area. It looks like there used to be a bathroom back there too. They kind of just got rid of that and they had a couple of sinks. I guess that they used to some shit and everybody's autographed these walls.

And I'm sure that this is like the fifth time they've probably painted over. They probably paint over like once every decade. And they just keep like these big people like Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, Wayland Jennings, of course. And then all these other people I saw, you know, all the guys from like Skid Row, a bunch of bands that I knew from the 80s, the 90s, early 90s that I used to listen to, Faster Pussycat, all of them. Who else?

Just a whole bunch of people. So anyways, you go out there and I'm telling you man, it's like this giant, Looks like it's not a happy days. And what they did is they had the original stage and then they built out from the original stage. But some woman a number of years ago actually had photos from that night and she found them all these years later. So you can actually tell where the stage was. So I made sure when I was up there, I walked all the way back to it. They have like the phone where Richie Valens and Buddy Holly made their last phone calls.

It's really, I mean, it's this weird thing of like an incredible part of history and like really morbid. I don't know. And I'm always interested in that type of shit and then it's also weird. Like I went to Elvis's house and I remember going in there, I was a young comic and I wanted to go in and laugh. Like, look at his shag carpet. What the fuck's up with Elvis? I went in there and I actually felt bad after a while. I was like, I'm in this guy's house.

This is where this guy used to chill out and shit. I feel like, you know, this is, you know, and then in the end you're walking by his grave and shit. It's like, can we just leave this guy alone already? Because haven't they made enough fucking money? And then you go across the street, there's a gift shop. They literally made a cuckoo clock, you know, so it looked like his hips were moving and shit. But the way they did it here was very like respectful. But it's kind of hard to not feel like a little bit of a ghoul when you go there.

I'm a little bit of a ghoul. I don't know. Death is interesting. You know, dead rock stars are interesting. There. All right. And I was interested and I went and I got to perform there and stand on the stage. It was fucking amazing.

And everybody coming out on the show was fucking, crowd was awesome. I'm telling you, all you fucking elitist liberal cunts who live near an ocean, you think you're fucking, I don't know what. You're really missing out. All right. And all you redneck fucking, my pig one first fucking blue ribbon and the fucking who gives a shit contest, you're missing out by not going out into the coast. All right. So everybody fucking grow up because there's fun to be had out there. You know what I mean?

You know, it was funny when I was on the plane right over this woman's going, I was like, she's like, it's one of the most friendliest places. Everybody waves hello. Everybody's just really friendly out here. You know, of course, in my head, I'm thinking, yeah, if you're white. I'm not saying a black guy can't come out here, but if a certain amount came out here, you know, and they weren't going to fucking play for Iowa or Iowa State, there'd be some issues. You know, it's, I don't know why, but that's the way the world is. All right. Let's, let's do a little.

Oh yeah. And then we came back to the hotel and ran into this fucking guy and he came up to me. He's going like, people keep saying that, you know, I look at look like it. I love me. He's fucking shitfaced. And I was just like, I would take that as an insult. I go, you're a better looking version of me. Just, you know, big tall drunk guy.

You just compliment just fucking whatever he wants to hear. Get him the fuck away from me. Right. But he's still a funny guy and he just, he was very like talked with his hands and shit. And he was just this giant 20 years younger me with hair. And I finally just, I couldn't take it anymore. I finally just said to him, I said, dude, you're hammered. He goes, what?

I go, you're hammered. He goes hammered. I go hammered because I'm sorry. And he walked away. Oh, what a great, oh, what a great bar it was. Oh, what I've loved to set down. I had a couple of sasperillas, but I didn't 77 days in 77 Ray Bork, 77 Paul coffee, 77 Nate soldier, 77 fucking Led Zeppelin tour.

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It was something when the woman's like, where is this relationship going to? And then they cut to that old PDD song. We ain't going nowhere. We ain't going nowhere. That's it. All right. I think that's the podcast. I had such a great time and came out and got to meet a bunch of people afterwards.

A lot of people, some people came in from Colorado. People came in from all around just to check out the venue. That's what I liked about the show tonight. I had a great time and I also feel there was a bunch of people that never been to that venue before. So they got more than a show. They also got to see that part of rock and roll history. I mean, in the pictures in there, the people that have played there, it's unbelievable. But before, you know, all of those guys, Richie Valens and all those guys played there, like Duke Ellington,

they have a piano that Duke Ellington played, like sitting in the fucking lobby. It's incredible and it's beautiful out here. And that's it. I feel like I brought America together with this show. You know, I live out in liberal Hollywood where, you know, we believe and we know that we are better than anybody else in this country because we live near an ocean and we make movies about social issues to show that we care before returning back to our gated communities. You know, and we only wish that the rest of the country would catch up with us. I'm fucking with you.

Anyways, that's it. I'm on my way to Milwaukee, Wisconsin tomorrow. One of my favorite fucking cities. And I'll tell you all about that on Monday and then I'm going up to Green Bay. Now I was supposed to hang around and go to the Bup Bup Bup Bup Monday night football game. That's why we booked that one. Well, actually it's a good thing. I mean, I got an acting gig so I have to leave after the show to do my last three days on a movie called Front Runner starring Hugh Jackman.

It's a Gary Hart story directed by Jason Reitman. I'm already promoting it. They're not even done shooting it. I'm already promoting it. That's how great of an employee I am. It's going to come out next year. I've already seen it like the dailies. It looks frigging amazing.

So I'm not going to be able to get through the game, but Aaron Rodgers has hurt anyways. But I've only been to Lambeau Field and went there a long time ago. It was actually, I was playing the Skyline Cafe in Appleton, Wisconsin. And Green Bay had a preseason game against the Cleveland Browns. And Brett Favre was still there. That's how long ago this was. Brett Favre was still there and nobody was talking about him retiring. It was Brett Favre.

And he played like the first quarter, maybe into the second quarter. So I got to see him play a little bit there. I know it was just preseason. So I kind of wanted to go back there for a legit game, but it didn't work out on this trip. But it's already been awesome. So thank you to everybody who came out. Enjoy the music. Andrew Thamelis, the producer of the Monday Morning Podcast.

And Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast. Sometimes I don't want to say the whole thing. He's going to play some music here and then you'll listen to an old podcast from a Thursday from a year gone by or possibly earlier this year. And I'm done talking. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll talk to you on Monday.

Thank you. Listen to this. His wife, what's her name there? Heather Mills. I'll read this real fast. It's short. Wife to Sir Paul. It's short.

So what's the corpse? Pot or me. Yeah. Listen to this. Pot or me. Heather Mills said she gave Sir Paul McCartney a strict ultimatum as their relationship blossomed. Quit smoking marijuana, excuse me, or forget walking down the aisle. Huh?

I told him I would not get married to him if he was taking drugs. I hate it, Heather 37 told London's Observer newspaper. I could not have him lying to our child about not taking drugs and then going out for a sneaky puff. He says he had a good incentive. A good incentive. Her ultimatum? Yeah. You don't give a beat on an ultimatum.

Excuse me, yeah. You think John Lennon would have taken that? No. He went a chicken on her off the balcony. Yeah, with the one leg. It's Paul McCartney. It's Paul McCartney. You know what?

He obviously didn't sign a prenup because there's no way to take that. She wouldn't even brought it up. This was before they got married. She wanted him to stop smoking pot. There is no way Paul McCartney should be taking an ultimatum from anybody. Especially a bitch with one foot. The second wife. Not even the one he wanted.

The one he wanted and married died. She's like the stand-in for like four fucking decades. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody needs to help that guy. Yeah. He sat there and let Linda sing on those songs where she is just making an abortion of a classic Beatles song.

No. It was just an open book. And I said, live it, let live. You know you did, you know you did, you know you did. Oh, you fucking bitch. Are you here to hate you? With Helen? Yeah, this is the real thing.

Oh my God. You never heard this with Helen? Dude, she had such a bad singing voice that the engineers finally decided to just isolate her mic and hit record. This is real audio from a Paul McCartney concert where she was singing background vocals. I guess they turned her down the mix, but this guy said this is way too good. I got to share this with others. So he taped just her microphone as Hey Jude is being sung.

I'm guessing she was probably kind of cunty to the guy and started actually thinking that she was actually a musician. This is probably part of the band. Hi bitch. Yeah. I'm sure she probably, you know, they knew she stunk. Can I get more bass in my monitor please? Yeah.

I don't think you're turning me up. I can't hear me in the next show. I just can't hear what the fuck I'm playing. Like she's the one every time looking at the sound guy pointing at her ear and putting her thumb up like more monitor. I can't hear me louder in the mix. Louder in the fucking mix. She holds the earphones that went one over and one earphone over the ear to get the tone

and hold them. This is the real deal. This is actually Linda McCartney. You'll think this is a joke. This is so bad. This is the real deal. This is the real deal. This is just isolating her mic.

She's just falling off a cliff. I'm hitting a ledge every time. Oh my god. It gets really bad right here this one. This is a classic, a classic song. This song is almost sacred. Is it any wonder they broke up? No one could fuck that up.

They should have put it in a shower like Bonnie and Rubble. I gotta be in the shower, friend. Put that bitch in the shower. We got a square from way back there. We got Bonnie and Rubble looking for trouble. Listen to the rock, listen to the roll, listen to the itty bitty mockingbird. Can you hear them? We'll grab them.

Listen to the mockingbird. Listen to the mockingbird. Get a flip. The mockingbird is welling his last song. We got enough of my cred. We also have Yoko. Listen to the mockingbird. Get a flip.

The mockingbird is welling his last song. We got enough of my cred. We also have Yoko. His legs would be doing like a clawed bond down slate. I go, go, go, go, go, go. She's stunk. Holy shit. What the bitch in the tub?

Yoko Ono. Drown her. Yoko Ono wasn't much better. You ever see Rock and Roll Circus, the documentary? It's known as She Can't Sing, though. I've never heard any real special shit, but she's horrendous. Jay Moore turned us on to this, man. You had like an all-star band on stage at John Lennon.

Help me out, Ann. Who was on that? Mick Jagger. Who? Ringo. Ringo's the king of the all-star band. No, but this was like nine drummers. Someone's got to help us out here.

No, this was the finale. Oh, finale. So it was John Lennon on stage with Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton on guitar, Jimi Hendrix guitarist. Jeff Beck had to be there. No, that's it. Right there. What about the who? No, that was part of the whole thing.

That was part of the show. This is when Jimi Hendrix was alive. Wow. This is where they pretty much just did a bunch of drugs, got together and just jammed. But the final song is what I'm getting at. Yep. It was Lennon on stage with Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton on guitar, and Hendrix guitars. And they just...

How can you fuck that up? How can you fuck that up? Legends. So listen to Yoko Ono wreck this thing. It was the final song of this rock and roll circus documentary. Who has it? Derek has it? Did you fast forward a little bit?

Or... Okay. Listen to this. So they're just jamming away, right? Here's Yoko. Here's Yoko. That sounds like Poltergeist. That is a Poltergeist.

It sounds like there's an amp on her foot. A human can't make that sound. Is that Jimi Hendrix still playing? Like he wouldn't stop and go, oh, look at... You think Lennon would? Lennon. It was like Hendrix basses or something was hardest. But one of them...

No, like Clapton. Clapton should have just turned around and gone, John, you're fucking alive. Give her something to whine about. Hit her over the head with a guitar or something. Yeah, it's awful. I know I'm not a real part of this whole thing, but dude, you know... She is awful. She's awful, man.

No, that sounds good. You're no part of this program. What is this duke shit, man? I don't know what duke shit is. Little known fact, it took Eric Clapton nine years to tell his friend John Lennon that he was in a disaster. Oh, marriage. This stuff, yeah. Exactly.

This sounds like... I don't know how to bring it up, mate. I just don't know how to bring it up. We're doing a little callback, though. My dumb divorce. Why couldn't anybody tell me, before I got divorced, that she's stunk? My apnea. Apnea.

Your fucking life is an abysmal human being. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I'm sick and dudes get together songs at the local pub. What the hell is that? She sounds like... This sounds like a napalm strike on the Ho Chi Minh's rail. That's what it sounds like, just screaming Vietnamese children.

I cock a doll! Wow! Let's go to David, Texas. Dave. Hey. Brats. Brats, Michael. Michael.

Linda McCartney, what a peach. I went to her with her and she was walking out the parking lot one day. She saw this truck driver had a McDonald's bag on the floor of his truck. Fired his ass on the spot. For eating McDonald's? Yeah, so it was total vegan tour, dude. I mean, there was no meat whatsoever. Relentless vegan.

She walked out there and fucking saw it. His door was open. You know, we all stand there. She's like, who's truck is this? Yeah. That is. You're fucking gone. Oh, no.

Shit. Unbelievable. I told you. I listen to y'all every morning out here on tour. I'm punching out. All right. Let's go to Randy in New York. Randy!

What's up, guys? Hey. You're going a little back before. Do you think Paul McCartney was using her leg in a bong at all? Oh, smoking out of the pot. That's how this started. Maybe that's where the ultimatum was, to stop smoking out of my leg. Other mills is telling a beetle pot or me.

How about me smoking pot or you gimp your ass out of here and try to find another beetle? Lottery. Who's been 90. Lottery. Yeah. There's one left. And it's Ringo, you idiot. If it wasn't for drugs, we wouldn't have had the second half of the beetle career.

That's what we're saying. Sergeant Pepper's all that. Right. It was drugs. It was drugs that did that. Thank God an earlier girlfriend didn't give the same ultimatum. We wouldn't have all that shit that came out. I want to hold your hand.

Are you serious? You think the beetles wouldn't have gone down in history as much? I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand. They would have sounded like the Hanson brothers if they had started smoking pot. You think you couldn't be wasted and put those satin, majorette fucking outfits on? They sang a song called The Yellow Submarine. That's somebody on there.

I think that's pre-drugs though, isn't that? No. They didn't. There is a definite line when they discovered drugs and it is so apparent. And now someone is telling Paul McCartney to lay off the pot. You might still have some of this in him still. A little puff and all of a sudden a brain cell gets hit and it's a brilliant song coming out. Remember me?

Yeah. Smoke your pot, dear Paul. She's bitching at him. Find another beetle. Go ahead. That's amazing. I wonder, is he too pussy to go? Let's be honest here.

You see this house you're living in? That was because I was smoking pot with my pals. Smoking pot and doing a lot more. I would just quit. Believe me, I cut down. I would just be in the house and drop an answer. Let me show you something. Echo!

Echo! Echo! You see that shit? That's the living room. I will do whatever the fuck I want to do. I'll just point at a leg. I'll be like, listen, Ahab, I'm letting Captain Ahab. I'm fucking Captain Ahab and giving you a lot of money, bitch.

Look, I'll just constantly point at her foot. Nobody, no one's hot enough to be missing a limb. I bet you Paul McCartney could get a 21 year old. Dude, you don't have to buy South Beach. Yeah, this isn't even an issue that you have to say, I bet you. He can. He's Paul McCartney. The Beatles.

There's only two left. You just sit there when she's talking shit to you. You just shake your head back and forth. And you just keep looking at her until she shuts out. And you just keep doing this. You shake your head, look at her eye, then look at her foot. See? Once again, Patrice will just, something she can't have.

The whole time she brought this shit up, he'd just be going, Ah, just pointing at a leg. Which one is it again? Back to the eyes. Hold on a second. Then knowing it and then knocking on the fake one. Hello, I'm a Beatle. Bitch, who fills your closet with left shoes?

Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney, baby. That's your last name, bitch. Never my fucking cartney. How about that? And you know what? I'm going to give you a new, one of those new wooden legs in the shape of a joint with no foot in it.

Just, and at the bottom, I'm going to paint it ashy like it was fucking, like it's on fire. Paul McCartney's joint on the side of it. Let's get a, let's get a Frankie. Made out of a whale's tooth, you fucking bitch. Frankie. Scrim shot. What's up, Frankie?

I have to tell you exactly when the Beatles discovered drugs. Okay. Start to rub a soul. See, that's, that's where Paul made a mistake. An album called Rubber Soul. An album called Rubber Soul. Heather Mills is not happy about an album called Rubber Soul. I'm going to turn off my mind relax and float downstream.

I want to hold your hand. You think I would have just, I never thought of that in my life that she loved you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Paul from Jersey. But wasn't that part of their greatness? What part of the drug?

In hindsight, looking where they went, they came out at that as like, they came out, they were like in sync. But they were, they were the boy band of Liverpool. But they were way bigger than one hit wonders when that fucking came out though. They were super fucking famous. It was kind of new. But they, they were done. Yeah.

That stuff was going to dry out. If they didn't, if they didn't. You know, listen to Peter Noon. Listen to Peter Noon's stuff who didn't progress on to the drug. Henry VIII. Yeah. I am. Henry VIII.

I am. He was, he just dumb. He was giving on dresses. He was like, second verse. Same as the first. Same as the first. I'm Henry VIII. I am.

It's just like, that was a fucking hit. Yeah. Yeah. But that's like saying Dexy's midnight runners should have smoked drugs. Maybe they were fucking. Tell me I'm into something good. That guy. Yeah.

I'm into something. Peter Noon. You know, we're walking around each one. A thousand of those guys, a thousand of those guys, bands, guys. They never went on to smoke the pot and take the LSD and sit down with the Maharishi and fucking, you know, get hammered. I haven't even fallen in that shit, man. Of course.

Let's go to Paul and Jersey. He's got something on there. Oh my God. Paul. What's going on guys? Hey. Paul McCartney should give up pot when his wife can have a full term pregnancy. Whoa.

Whoa. Oh. Yow. I don't know how you can beat the foot. Wow. Wow. Oh my goodness. Hey, look at Aerosmith.

Aerosmith in the 70s completely wasted at their best fucking music. Their best shit. Of course. Then they get cleaned up and you get lovin' an elevator. Well, you got their most commercial success, though, after they got off the drug. Which is weird. Man, stick with the pro drug fucking slant of the show. That is for the instant feedback bit ruining you did.

What did I do? I just ruined your bit. That's right. The banner. Oh, you got me back. Jesus. Oh, we don't forget. Oh, we don't forget.

Antonio Andolini. You broke my heart. We don't forget. I'm back to Sicily years later. It's right. You open. Hey, Drew, let's go. You killed my father.

Drew. Yes. Go. Amen. What's up? I got the McCartney ultimatum about two weeks ago. What? Pot or me?

Yeah. But you're not a beetle. Yeah. I know. So you're not smoking pot anymore, are you? Fuck that. So you gotta go another bag today. There you go.

All right. To the beetle. And blow weed rings in her face. Sounds like he's on pot right now. We're talking a beetle. He should be able to take her leg off and beat her over the head with it. That's right. And she should still come back with a loving smile.

Or turn it into an instrument. Like the thing that you do fucking trombone that you have to cup over. Yeah. The plunger. Yeah. Watch this bit. I'm gonna carve holes in it. I'm gonna turn this to a big flute.

Your leg is a giant flute. It's playing her leg. Yeah. I want you to play your leg as I'm smoking to enhance my high. And sing the back. I want you to sing the chorus to Yellow Summary, bitch. Why smoke weed on your leg. We are.

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We weren't. We weren't. We weren't. We weren't. We weren't. There's a timepan problem. Where it doesn't exist. That'll scare the fuck outta you.

This actually exists and was actually fucking everyone who was walking up the stairs. All of them. All of them should've been like holy shit. That's it right there. That is the devil. That is the fucking devil. I love that pumpkin. It looks great.

It's saying something and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's working on all three levels. It is a fucking triple threat like the way people used to be in show business back in the day where they could sing and they could dance and they could tell jokes. That's what that pumpkin is. You know? You know what all that was is what I was hoping they would think. But they didn't.

I didn't get one comment. Why did they carve a building into a pumpkin? I don't understand. Is that a Walmart? That wouldn't be good. Walmart's fucking scary. You know? Somebody came up the stairs who actually tried to start a hardware store.

Anyways, so I had this fucking insane pumpkin. Alright? I had my fucking door all lit up and all that type of shit and I got full size fucking candy bars. Okay? For all these cute little kids coming up. Alright? But, so I'm thinking this is going to be it.

Word's going to get out. This dude's got a fucking, you know, he carved a library into a pumpkin and he's got, who gives a fuck? The guy's a weirdo but he's got full size fucking candy bars and the candy bars that we recognize. Kit Kat, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or fucking a Hershey, what is it? Not Hershey, Hershey Milk Chocolate. Okay?

Those are all fucking, we know what those are. So even though he's a weirdo, it's wrapped. We understand there's no poison in it. So I'm thinking I'm going to be the shit. These kids are going to be clamoring around me like I'm fucking Dick Clark in 1965, right? But no! I got fucked because the people up the street, they went all out. This dude up the street, his son and daughter, his son, fuckhead that he is now.

His son and his daughter put on a show like Michael Jackson. They were doing a tribute to Michael Jackson and it was fucking insane. They had a stage, they had like monitors, it looked like a fucking rock show was going to happen and they had a show like every 20 minutes or every half hour and a whole crowd would gather. I didn't even get to see it. I was down the street with my full size candy bar and my fucking new world order pumpkin going where is everybody?

You know? I got a fucking 7-Eleven here. This is what my fucking kitchen looked like. Literally like I robbed a 7-Eleven and rather than taking the money, I took all the candy out of it. Fuck it looked like. And I can't get a goddamn fuck. I can't get anybody to come because everybody is running up the street because these kids

were killing it. You know, Neal went up there with their mom and they came back like, I got it was awesome. They even had the car from the fucking whatever video and he literally got in it, blah blah blah. And I just wanted to fucking slap both of them. Um, no I didn't. I was fucking pissed. I was literally reduced to yelling off of my balcony going as people were walking by

to go up to go see the Michael Jackson thing. I was going, hey we got candy up here. We got candy up here, right? Think about that 41-year-old white male yelling down to children that he's got candy. It was really, it was really bad. But eventually I got rid of all of it and I discovered a new pet peeve that I have. I don't like trick-or-treaters who look like they're fucking 26. All right?

You know who you are. You're too fucking old. It's not cute anymore. You know? You're a douche. And, um, the last group of people who came up was fucking unreal. They could have a better mustache than I could grow, you know? He didn't have a mustache.

You know what I'm saying? They're too fucking old. Neal was actually saying she fucking hates them too. What she wanted to do was have a bag of apples and when people came up and they were too old, she wanted to give them apples instead of candy. And I'm like, yeah, that's great. And then they get down in the front yard and they throw it through your fucking window. Why don't we just hand out baseballs?

But I understood what she was talking about. You know? The fuck is wrong with you? How old are you? Okay, you should be going to a Halloween party trying to fuck on somebody dressed like a tube of toothpaste or whatever it is. That's what you're supposed to be doing. You're not supposed to be coming to my door fucking, you know, it was annoying.

I should have had a little bite-size once. Anyways, so I actually was walking my dog this morning and I was seeing all the candy wrappers on the ground and all the fat kids who couldn't wait until they got home. And I don't know, they were all bite-size. None of them were full-size. I had the best candy on the fucking block and I got trumped by this Vegas show up the fucking street. Really, I was just annoying.

No, it just shit out of me. And I also, when I walk my dog, I actually, I pick up litter because I think I live in a nice neighborhood and I don't like when fucking people throw shit on the ground. So I'm sitting there picking up these little candy wrappers with my goddamn dog and came across a milky way. That bugged me, you know? You know, why even give out candy if you're giving out a milky way? That's such a fucking cop out.

It's like, I can't, I can't even fucking give a fuck about hauling. You know, milky way, milky way is like, it's like, if John Oates was a candy bar, he'd be a fucking milky way. That's what I'm trying to say. All right, if you don't listen to fucking hauling out shit, you don't get the joke, all right? It's something, it, Nugget, Nugget is John Oates, okay? Nugget needs some sort of, it needs something with it.

You know what I mean? It's like, Andrew Ridgely, who's some of the other famous duos that broke off and one guy just totally fucking made it and the other guy was the human fucking version of Nugget with nothing in it. Can you think of anybody else? I know, fucking in sync. Justin Timberlake was the almonds. Those other four motherfuckers.

That's what they were. When Justin was in there, it was a Snickers bar, you took him out, it was a milky way and nobody fucking gave a shit and that was the end of them. That was the fucking end of them. Who gives out milky way? You know, fucking, you're not even trying. Not even fucking, I had full size fucking candy bar and I was hanging out screaming at people, trying to get them to come up to my fucking place.

It was pathetic. But I'll tell you right now, the pumpkin bread was the shit. All right, let's move on here. Let's talk about my life, what I have going on. I'm trying to hype shit that I have going on earlier in the podcast. So here goes, this week I'm going to be at Town Hall in New York City. Not the Town Hall, the Town Hall Theater and I don't even know if there's any tickets left. But I just like saying that I'm going to be doing a theater in New York City.

Do you realize that? Do you realize how huge that is for me? You know, way back in the day when I was a youngster with a big red afro, wondering if I'd ever get on stage in New York City just to do five fucking minutes at one o'clock in the morning, you know, and here it is, 38 years later, I'm finally getting to do a theater. No, I'm actually really excited and I'm doing my special next month and you know, this is going to be, you know, basically, if you go to that show, you're going to see basically

my special, essentially. So I got that going on and that's November 6th, November 7th, I'm going to be doing comics come home with Dennis Leary, the 15th anniversary. It's for the Cam Neely House that helps families of people stricken with cancer, gives them a place to stay rather than sitting in some awful hospital to actually get a nice home to stay in. So that's a wonderful cause. That will be at a Guinness arena with the BU Terriers play and I believe there's only

a few tickets left for that one. So that's what I got going on and later on the month, I'll be in Tempe, Arizona, really looking forward to that gig and the rest, you can go to billbird.com, B-U-R-R for dates. See, and that's why I don't hype shit in the middle because it's not funny. It's not fucking interesting. And then what happens? You're like, what, this guy's going to riff about fucking candy bars and musicians I don't give a fuck about and then tell me where he's going to be at.

Let me tell you guys a story. The other day I decided, you know, I really need to get my ass in shape so I don't look like a fat fuck on TV during my special. So I have problems with joining gyms because I'm always on the road. I have to freeze my membership and all that type of shit. I just throw the money away. So I have been working out outside basically in my apartment and then I do cardio outside just like that fucking guy with all the Matthew McConaughey.

There you go. You know, I do keep my shirt on and I don't run down the street with fucking palm tree leaves like I'm trying to fly and it's 1898. I don't do that shit, all right, but I've definitely been going on hikes. So I found this hill out here and being a big football fan, I remember how Jerry Rice used to run up this fucking hill, you know, to get in training for the NFL season and I found a hill and I've been running up this fucking thing and I've been loving every minute of it and I went up to go do it and I came home and my fucking, I couldn't find

my keys like an asshole. I left the, my pocket open on my sweatpants and because I'm old and when I run down the hill, I can't run down the hill. I have to sort of gallop as fucking pathetic and I was going really fast. And I guess it kind of flew out and a fucking rattlesnake took it. I don't know what happened, but I went back up there to try and find them and I don't have them. And you're like, wow, what's the big fucking deal?

You know, why don't you, oh shit, did I just fucking knock something out here? What the hell just happened? Hello, test one, two. I know you can hear this, but I can't hear myself. What the fuck is going on? Hold on, hello. I know it's recording. What the fuck is the problem?

Line in, that's good. Earphones, that's fine. Hello, test. There we go. I got it back, sorry. Jesus Christ. You know what is my fucking room's getting so goddamn hot, I have to turn on the fucking ceiling fan.

Hang on a second, I can't do this all once. You know, if I had any sort of class, I'd edit that part out, but I'm not going to. So anyways, yeah, so I lost my fucking keys, and like any normal person, if I had a normal fucking car, oh, that's what I did, I turned this thing down. That's what happened. Ah, there we go, hello, test one, two. Wow, just when you thought I couldn't get any worse. This is why it's free, folks.

This is why it is fucking free. Like a one man band here, I should have like cymbals between my legs. What fucking easy was it to be a goddamn entertainer back in the day? That's what you could... Have you ever seen one of those one man band guys? It's never good. It's never fucking good. When somebody does like a throwback to that shit, and they get cymbals between their legs

and a bass drum behind their back, great, I turned the fan on too high and I'm blowing shit off my fucking desk. Anyways, yeah, so I can't find my keys, and you know, the house key is no big deal, but the problem was it was also the key to my car, and I drive a hybrid and it's this special fucking key. It's a special key, people. They couldn't just give me a regular key where you stick it in the door and shove it in the ignition.

This is like one of these keys where you can have it in your pocket and you don't need to take it out and then you just fucking reach and touch the door and it magically unlocks because some sort of wave is coming out of the pocket, going to the door lock, bouncing back off and putting cancer into your testicles, you know? That's what I'm basically doing. I'm risking ball cancer so I don't have to fucking unlock my door the conventional way. But the bottom line is, you want to, you're probably wondering, well Bill, how much does this pocket ball cancer fucking car key cost?

Yeah, evidently it's between two and 300 bucks. I remember when I bought the car. Make sure you don't lose this. Make sure you don't lose this because it costs like 225 dollars to fuck around. I was thinking in my head, wow, that sounds like a fucking rip off to me. Really that little plastic thing? So I don't know, I went back up the hill and I tried to find the fucking thing and I couldn't. Once again, you know, I went up there and it's actually really these unbelievable houses

like rich people but like classy rich, not like, not Jerry Jones rich. You know what I mean? Classy, tasteful rich, you know? I was walking down the hill and I was looking for the keys and I came down and this fucking old guy is walking up the street and right as I was about ready to say hello to him, you know, rich people are so like, some of them just have, they have an inability to like just have a conversation. It's like I'm walking down the street, he's coming up the hill, he sees me and I'm just

me like, hey, how are you? That's all I'm going to say. This is how he greets me. He just goes, beautiful fall afternoon. I didn't know what the fuck to say to that and he said it that loud and it took him that like, he drew out the words, beautiful fall afternoon. You know what should have happened right after he said that, you know, in those, the original monster movies of Hollywood, you know, that church organ that they, you know, and then

the lightning strikes, that's what the fuck should have happened after that guy talked. It's like, what are you just naming shit that you like? Like I didn't know socially what I was supposed to say after beautiful fall afternoon. Half off Budweiser's at a titty bar. What do you say to that? I don't know what the fuck to say to the guy and I just sort of went, yeah. Yeah, it is. It's a nice one.

I just kept fucking walking. Ugh. What the fuck? It was like, I was trying to think like what question I could have, I don't know, it was like he was playing a board game in his head where he played the first five notes to a song and I was like, ah, what is the name of that song? Tell me what is it? It's called beautiful fall afternoon.

That's what it's called. Anyway, so I walked back up there and I just kept saying to people, you happen to see a set of keys and they'd be like, no, no, I didn't. But if I find them, I will, and I had no information to give them and I was just like, yeah, just sort of stick them on a rock, stick on a rock and maybe I'll come walking by and I'll fucking, you know. But I held out hope. I was like, you know what, it's a park, there's a lost and found.

I'll go there tomorrow when the lost and found is open and I went there hoping against hope that for once in my life, I lost something in public and somebody actually returned it. You know, do you remember that from back in the day when I lost my cell phone? My girlfriend, since I've been with her, has probably lost three cell phones and anytime she loses a cell phone, all she does is call it. She calls it and not only does somebody pick it up, it is the greatest person on the planet. You know, I should just call up and I'm thinking my head, then I was going to answer this shit, it's gone.

Just like mine is always gone and then she calls, you know, one and a half rings, somebody just picks it up, hello, well yes I do, absolutely, come on over, I'll give it to you. I actually just baked some cookies, come on over, I'll give you fresh cookies and your fucking cell phone back because that's how your life works, right? I lose my mind in the back of a fucking car, this fucking douchebag is driving me to the airport, I realize it like a half hour later, I know he's still working and the phone is on and it's ringing in his fucking back seat and the cunt doesn't answer it. So that has been my experience, so I go over to the little Ranger Rick thing going, oh please,

maybe this is the one time, keep a positive attitude, put it out to the universe, I'm going to get my $200 set of keys back and of course I show up and they're like, no, nobody has returned any keys, if you want to check back later, really, really it might really come back later, you know I'm not going to come back later, so just spare me the speech, alright? Just go fucking change the chances of a fire sign out there, why don't you just go fucking do that, like I'm mad at the park ranger because I ran with my AMF fucking sweatpants with the sides unzipped like an asshole, like a fucking asshole, alright, last week I talked

about this guy who I wanted to flatten his nose while I sent my fist all the way to the back of his fucking cranium, stopping just short of the hypothalamus and I was talking about fights and just how when you get older you have to walk away from fights because there's no winning them, there really isn't, when you get old it's just like okay, either A, I get out of the car and I get the living shit kicked out of me, right, or B, I win and then I get sued, right, and the older you get the greater chance of the first one which is, I don't know, what do you think is worse, getting the shit kicked out of you, I think getting sued is worse but it depends on the level of ass kicking, I don't want

to lose a tooth but you know if you want to beat me down I have a headache for three days, I'd rather have that than deal with you fucking taking my money, so anyways, so a lot of people sent me in some unbelievable stories about fights that either they walked away from or that they got into, one of them is actually a case pending so I'm not allowed to talk about it so I'll basically, I'll skim over it, is basically a kid is walking down the street and three drunk guys start giving him shit, he gives him shit back, they give him some more shit and he says oh yeah you guys are real tough with three, none of you would fight me one on one and this one kid goes alright I'll fight you, so they square off,

they throw a few and the kid who was just part, you know, the innocent kid connected, hit the kid, the kid falls down, he hits the back of his head on the pavement, you know and he's not fucking moving and the kid's like holy fuck what did I do so he's kind of walking away but he's also concerned, his big fucking mistake was he actually gave his shit and then the cop showed up, he was still in sight, he got fucking, did they arrest him, I can't remember, all I know was in the end of it, there's three of them and only one of him and he ended up getting sued and lost, something about a preemptive strike, can you fucking believe that, I was like oh I'm sorry was I supposed to let the one guy

with the two other friends hit me a couple times and then I was supposed to punch back, it's fucking unbelievable, it's unbelievable, you just, I don't know, so there's a lot of people going like I want to kick the shit out of this guy what should I do, you know what you should do, you should just fucking walk away, just walk away and just forget about the whole fucking thing and don't even tell yourself that lie that he'll get his, he'll get his because you know what they don't, they don't get theirs, you know what they do is they get punched in the face maybe and the worst case scenario is they win ten grand, they don't, they don't, I've lived long enough to realize that you know when the bad guy

gets his in the movies, that's when it happens, okay, the rest of them go on to live very successful lives, they have great looking girlfriends, they pour raw sewage into drinking water and they find some other dick to take the fall for it and then they buy land in South America and they leave the country and they're fine, they're fucking fine so you're better to just, just walk away, somebody gave me some great advice saying that he used to get into fights all the time, this is so simple, I never even thought of it, he just bought a heavy bag and he would come home and he would just beat the shit out of the bag and he felt way better and there was no lawsuits and then certain days when he wanted to murder

somebody he would take a baseball bat and just slam it into the heavy bag and he would feel phenomenal afterwards and I, I, I'd like, I wanna, I wanna believe that that works, I don't know, I have an insane temper, I, I take it to the point of I wanna feel that other guy quit, that's how mad I am, I wanna beat the fuck out of you, I want you to fight back but I wanna feel the moment where you fucking quit, you know, how sick is that, that's how mad I, I just can't see that, getting that out with the fucking heavy bag. Alright, so let's read a couple of stories here, these were very long, this was a very passionate subject, so forgive me with my awful reading, here it goes, I wanna read

a couple of these, alright, here's, here's the classic, like, this, this is like anger that will come out of you 20 years from now, here's a great story here, Bill, I sympathize about the whole fight thing, it seems like any time some asshole decides to start shit with me, it will happen in a, in a way that I can't retaliate without either getting arrested or sued, literally what I was just talking about, he goes, so anyways, I was at a packed bar with some friends the other night and we had gotten there about a half hour prior and I had about one beer in me, so I wasn't even remotely drunk, I guess the place was packed, so anyways, he's, he says I was making my way through the crowd with a pint glass

in my hand, trying to navigate to the bathroom, along the way some scrawny little cunt who apparently has had way too much to drink, backs into me and spills half my beer, I make a habit out of quickly saying excuse me and thank you whenever I walk through a crowd because I figure people are more apt to let you through if you're polite about things, this prick turns around and says, this is the guy who, who bumps into him and spills half his beer, he said this prick turns around and says, what the fuck is your problem and knocks my drink out of my hand, Jesus Christ, you gotta be able to take a fucking wrench to that guy's head, he said at this point one of his friends jumps on him trying to

break it up while the little bitch keeps talking shit, so I tell him to go fuck himself, it was going to talk shit till the prick would throw a punch, but just at that moment a guy standing next to us wearing a blazer, but with some kind of shirt sweater that wasn't buttoned down, tells me forcefully, keep walking, at that moment I figured it was one of the bouncers, pissed off over having lost a drink and being insulted, I head to the bathroom, my window to fight that shit had opened and closed so quickly that I didn't get a chance at any vindication, when I got to the bathroom I noticed that the guy who I thought was a bouncer wasn't, maybe he was this little clown's bodyguard, but I couldn't tell, he

didn't seem like one, he didn't seem like one of his friends because the little cunt and his friends were all dressed the same way with designer ripped jeans and open buttoned down shirts with necklaces and shit, basically they all looked like they were members of some 80's rock band that was still touring but couldn't get, but could only get gigs in a dive bar, now my chants, my choices are, okay now he's in the bathroom, he says now my choices are either walk back to my group without a beer or the bitch move of telling one of the bouncers and seeing if I can get that prick tossed out, I could also go and confront them, but even if I could take the bodyguard, what kind of person goes to a bar

dressed with that Ed Hardy clothing with the bodyguard, what did I just miss here, sorry this is really fucking long and I'm seeing double here, fuck you just killed the whole story, what is wrong with you, which from his size I think I stayed a good chance as long as he was an MMA fighter, this was in New Jersey mind you, so I thought considering he was Italian looking and had a girl that was way out of his league, maybe he was connected to some bullshit like that, maybe the little prick even had a gun or a knife on him because stupid shit like that is happening often, I didn't want to take any shit from him but I'm not about to get shot over a beer, anyways so this is what he ends up doing, he goes

and ended up walking back to my group without a beer and hiding my bad mood for the rest of the night, one on one with either one of those cunts, I would have been fine, I'm 5'11", 195 pounds, emosy muscle and I've never lost a fight, then again I've only been in a few, I'll spare the rest of this shit, I don't know if he's asking me what I can't even remember, I just, I get a headache when I have to read that much, so you know what I mean, it's like and you think that little, maybe that little fuck will get his because he's so like, I could see knocking it over and be like dude what the fuck's your problem, that's sort of your average asshole in a bar but then slap it out of

your hand, he's got that Napoleon thing where he's got something to prove I guess, I don't know, my question is what do you do with that anger, what do you do with that fucking anger, anyways here's another one, Bill you were talking about this week about nearly getting into a fight with that dick in the green sedan, well I admit that this wasn't anywhere close to me fighting, it was still a fucking horror story while it happened, alright here's one here that'll leave you with a lot of anger, I was about six months into my stand up career and a friend of mine asked me to do a show with him at this bar that paid him, that would pay twenty dollars, I was psyched because it would be my first paid show, I did the

show and got a decent amount of laughs, I thought I did fucking horribly but if they left then I'm not going to complain, so he gets paid his money, the next day I'm walking home from school and I'm cutting through the basketball courts where a drug dealer I know, we'll call him drug dealer number one, is sitting there with one of his friends, the friends he was sitting with kind of looked like Ghostface killer but he had a stare of a potential rapist, next thing I know I'm passing this guy and he stops me, he tells me that if I don't give him my wallet which was visibly in my front pocket, he was going to just stomp me and take it, he takes it and empties my lunch money, luckily or I thought

luckily I kept a special twenty and a different compartment, now this is a lot of thing a lot of comedians do or people who when they set off on a dream, the first amount of money they get it's usually not a lot of money so they either frame the check or they save the dollar, the five bucks or the twenty, so I'm imagining that this is what this young comic was trying to do, so he kept the twenty dollars in a different compartment, I said well he rummaged through the entire wallet, put back my library card, the illiterate cunt and eventually found the twenty dollar bill, he threw the wallet in my chest and asked me why I lied to him when he asked me if I had any other money than the lunch money,

I actually told the guy mugging me the history of this hidden twenty dollar bill as he goes as I just typed that last sentence I just imagined my head slamming into the keyboard, he says what a fag I was, so anyways this motherfucker told me that if I told him a good joke maybe I'd get the twenty dollars back, this is really your inexperience as a comedian because there's no joke you're going to be able to tell, so anyways here we go, he said well I used to tell these awful one-liners when I first started because my self-confidence would dwindle after 10 to 15 seconds, so I stammered out, stammered out I knew this girl so stupid the only reason why she knew her ABCs was because of hepatitis, so then

the drug dealer he fake laughed like a fucking maniac straightened up into a serious face and was just like get the fuck out of here, wow, oh Jesus that'll age you about fucking eight years anyways the rest of it, needless to say I took it like a bitch but if this story didn't have a punchline in and of itself here's the kicker, literally less than a week later after this incident this drug dealer from my school, big black kid with a voice like Mickey Mouse, it's a fucking spectacle, tells me that drug dealer number one stopped hanging out with the ghostface killer guy because he's an undercover fucking cop, so this dude got mugged by an undercover fucking cop, so for all you talk about getting screwed

by corporations that's the worst case of being deep-dicked by the man that's ever happened to me and then I realized in retrospect that even though I lost the first remnants of what I'd hoped would be a successful career, the losing of my first twenty dollars was well worth the story, I still hope that cop is shot in the line of duty and skull fucked by a gang of junkies, see that, that's the fucking anger, that is the anger, I don't know, I don't have any listeners I have at this point because I don't really hype this fucking thing and I never bring it up at shows, are there any psychologists out there, you know, psychologists like they know what to do with anger, fucking sweater wearing douchebags

just sitting there, they're loafers, you ever go to therapy, you fucking tell them shit and they're just like well why do you think you think that, what would happen if you would do something like that, it's just like it really, that's all you got, you know, they just basically get you to pour out all your shit and then you've got to sort of figure it out, I don't even want to, you know it's fucking hilarious, I've been in therapy for a while now, obviously it's not fucking working, anyways let's plow ahead here, did I talk about this last week, somebody sent me an email and was talking about my, why are they like, I hope this podcast has been loud enough, I think it is, somebody sent me an email talking

about some new movie coming out and in this subject, the line on the subject line said another save the black kid movie and it said Bill from various clips on YouTube, I know you have some disdain for racist movies, I was just wondering what you're feeling on the new one coming out with Sandra Bullock called the blind side, I guess it's about her helping some black kid, alright, first of all this is what I love about this email, this is something I've learned in stand-up comedy, you can't control how people process what you say, I've never done a bit about another, about save a black kid movies, the name of the bit was white people are evil movies, that's what it is and I don't have,

obviously I have disdain for racist movies but like, what the fuck movie was I talking about in my last special, that one about the black swim team, what the fuck was it called, pool side, I can't ever remember, what was it called, against the tide, the fuck was that movie called, whatever, whatever that fucking movie was called, chlorine, what was it called, I did that joke for like fucking a year on stage, you guys seen that new movie came out, blah blah blah, I can't, I'm trying to jog with my friend, I have no memory, but anyways, that movie is not an example of a racist movie, that's a movie about race, and you know, this is just a podcast listener, so what the fuck, you know, I'm not really gonna

give this guy shit about that, but I've actually had people write reviews about my act and says, and was describing some of the stuff I talked to, he talks about the difference between men and women, he does racist jokes, he does blah blah blah, it's like I don't do, I do racial, jokes about race are racial jokes, a movie about race is a, you could say it's a, I guess a racial movie or yeah, you'd say that, it's not racist, a racist movie would be, I don't know, that's a fucking good example of it, I mean Mississippi Burning is not a racist movie, it's a movie about racist, but the movie itself is not racist, it's about race relations, right, am I out of my fucking mind here, what's that fucking one of the original Hollywood movies,

where they have white dudes dressed up in blackface, and they make it black people look stupid, and that is the message of the movie, they're not doing a movie, they're making fun of white people who do that, or talking about white people who do that, they are, that is the message of the movie, that black people are stupid, that is a fucking racist movie, see the difference, what the fuck is the name of that movie, what the fuck is the name of that movie, but did we get with an H, I have no, I gotta stop talking on my cell phone, I'm, you know what, I'm not doing, I'm fucking my cell phone, that's it, it's over, all right, the fuck is the name of that movie, all right, forget it, forget it, I fucking give up, I have to fucking,

I gotta look it up now guys, this is something, if you can hear it in my voice, this is actually something that's fucking scaring me, is that I'm starting to lose my goddamn memory, something actually made a, the fuck is it, okay, no, you know what, what the fuck is it, I really should edit all this out, but I'm not gonna do it, I'm not gonna do it, why am I saying everything twice, you know why, because I'm trying to find something that somebody sent me, they sent me a nice little mp3 remix of the thing and I had it all queued up and I can't fucking find it, you fucking asshole, Bill, you really are an asshole, you're fucking worthless, this is why you have to fly out to fucking Omaha at some point and tell some jokes, you know,

last week I made fun of Omaha saying how I wasn't gonna do a show in Omaha and people were like, you know, I said eventually I would do one, but I was making fun of how many fucking airplanes I would have to take to get there and I got like five emails from people, actually there's a direct flight from fucking Giger, you land in a fucking cornfield and you can just set up fucking stage, right fucking there, Bill, people in Omaha don't talk like that, I don't give a shit, I know they don't, Johnny Carson was from Nebraska, wasn't he, all I remember about Nebraska was doing college gigs out there and you drive halfway across the state and you're driving across 80, which goes the length of this east-west, here's something that truckers know, do you guys know this shit,

you know, if you're on an even numbered highway that means it goes east-west and if you're on an odd one that means it's north-south, did you know that, huh, I'm talking about highways, so don't even hit me with a route one, go just shut up, I'm not talking about routes, I'm talking about highways, this is another thing, if you're on a highway, right, let's just say it's 95 and you don't have a map, all right, and you see all of a sudden there's a 495 or a 295, what that means is you are coming towards a congested area and if it's during rush hour, you can jump on the 295 or the 495 and it'll basically eventually re-hook up with the highway you're on, 95 and you can avoid the traffic and not add to it, they did that one for truckers, it's like an LA,

the 405, you got the five, goes right through the heart of LA, the 405, what goes out around Santa Monica, but there's so many fucking people it doesn't make a difference out here because they're all jammed, all right, that's how much I know this fucking, that's how much road work I've done, so you get on the fucking 80 and you get about halfway across Nebraska and if you're like me, you're doing a college gig in the middle of the wintertime, so all the crops are cut down, all right, and you can't tell where the fucking dirt ends and the sky begins, it's just all fucking gray and all of a sudden out of nowhere there's like this wooden bridge, footbridge or some Native American Indian shit, you know, I just, you know how many times I drove

underneath that, I don't even know what the fuck it is, racing back to either flying out of Lincoln or Omaha, trying to get back to catch my early flight and I would literally be driving like a maniac and I'd be looking out to the right and there would literally be like a flock of geese in that V, that V formation, you know the one that Daffy Duck was like, fuck this, I'm not going, it's no flies, don't bother me, remember that one, I'd be seeing that shit, I drove 80, I believe I drove 80 in Wyoming and I saw a kind of antelope, I don't even know what the fuck it was, I had no idea what the fuck it was, just saw like species of animals that I didn't even know fucking existed in this country, 70, I remember 70, I've drove, I've driven that one

all the way from LA all the way right into New York City, you get it all the way to about Jersey and then you gotta fucking switch it up, it's fucking brutal, been on all of them, 90, 95, I think what is 35, go from Houston right up to Dallas, isn't that fucking insane, then all of a sudden the years later I'd be up and I'd be in like Iowa, going out, it's just the same fucking highway that you take from fucking Houston to Dallas and it goes right up the heart of this fucking country, isn't that fucking interesting, yeah a lot of fucking roadwork, I was supposed to be searching for the email and actually just lean back, thinking about those fucking days, being out, you know how many times I did Coos Bay, Oregon, I think like three or four

fucking times, every time I went down there the goddamn seals were never out, they had this thing where you could actually see the seals sunning themselves which was fucking amazing to me at that point because I lived on the uh, I lived on the east coast, you know, when the fuck do you get a chance to see that, you know, I just cannot, I cannot find this fucking thing, I have to find you this, this clip this person sent, this NP3, he did a remix to a song, I'm trying to kill time because I can't fucking find it, hey Bill, hey Bill, go fuck yourself, read this you cunt, this is well these are the emails I get from you guys, that's not it, file recommendation, shithead bar fight story, oh it's a mission now, give me something else to talk about, you got anything, any questions,

this is when I, it kills me that I, that I don't, I don't have any collars because this is what the fuck happened, I am quitting after two more emails, I have, you know it's not even gonna be worth it, by the time I find it, it's the payoff, it's not gonna be worth it, hey did the Phillies win tonight, please tell me they won, I've never given a fuck about the Phillies until now, I just can't stomach the fucking Lakers and the Yankees are gonna win it this year, you know what I mean, Jesus Christ the fucking Yankees, what a team, huh, what a fucking team, what a fucking team, A-Rod rounding third, Jeter at second, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ coming up to the plate and Yankees signed him for one year, he actually, they actually suspended there, no facial hair,

rule with him, Johnny Damon's a little upset but you know, he is the son of God, fucking cunts, you fucking rich cunts, you call that an accomplishment, you win a World Series but because you got the most fucking money, there's no, there's no skill in that, there's no fucking skill in that, you fucking pieces of shit and they actually have, you know what I can't stand about Yankee fans, they actually have the nerve to be nervous during the playoffs when they cut to the crowd and like, oh geez, I hope this hundred million guy can do it, if he doesn't do it, maybe Tashara will do it, you fucking cunts, you know what I hate about the fucking Yankees, whoever beats them the year before, whoever the best guy is, within two years he's on the team, Tashara beat

him last year with the fucking Angels, now he's on playing first base, I've already bitched about this shit, who gives a fuck, right, it's just fucking baseball, you know what I've been actually doing, I've been watching the NHL network, I actually just watched something about the 1979 Montreal Canadians winning the Stanley Cup, you know what the worst thing about watching the Canadians win the Stanley Cup back then is you knew that there was going to be some sort of heartbreaking Boston Bruins loss and 79, I was too young to remember it but I just remember people bitching about it, we basically beat the Canadians, four games to three and then with like a minute left they called too many men on the ice which is basically, I'm trying to think of the fucking,

it's, you know like when in football when somebody kicks, somebody calls for a fair catch and you got to give like five yards, you got to give the guy five yards so he can catch it and you know people break it all the time, they never call it if the other defensive player gets in his face, that's like calling, making that call with one minute left to decide who goes to the Stanley Cup finals and then the fucking flying French fucks ended up scoring a goal and then they got the overtime goal, it was just fucking annoying, it was annoying to watch but they did beat the Rangers so that made me feel good, I think that's it guys, I can't find this fucking thing this guy did a remix of that song, he did a remix of that me saying cunt cunt cunt

and I thought it was cute and I just, for me I can't find it, what was better the fact I just sang it for you, was that decent, all right I give up, that's it Jesus Christ what a fucking horrific podcast but you know what I did get it out Monday morning, you know what I want to thank everybody I've been getting a ton of emails about people, I got a letter from a postman who just walks around listening to my podcast as he delivers the mail laughing like a maniac, that's what everybody keeps telling me, they keep listening to them when they're supposed to be doing their job and they're just sitting there laughing like a fucking maniac, so I know this one was a little fucked up, the volume was messed up but that's what you get, that's what you get, somebody sent

me an email going like you know what I'm so pissed I've been listening to opien anthony for a while and I had no idea that you uh podcast what the fuck this is what he said, he said I've been a fan for several years uh due to your appearances on the opien anthony show uh being a the lazy shitbag that I am I've never checked out your website until a week ago, how is the podcast not mentioned on opien anthony, they actually they have mentioned it uh but he said uh did they forbid that or something, no they do not but he said I guess it's none of my business anyway but it pisses me off you've been doing it this long two plus years and now I'm just finding out about it I've already listened to the last three months of podcast and will continue back until I've heard

them all um you're you're a really funny guy and it's a shame this podcast is flying under the radar well I say this to you it is not a shame that it's flying under the radar I like that it is I don't hype it you find it you find it if you don't it's like fight club right except you don't have to be a badass first rule about the podcast is not that you don't talk about it all right you know what the first rule is is that you don't take the podcast seriously that's what it is like this fucking guy who tore me a new asshole about rugby because I was shitting on rugby this fucking guy sends me this whole way a few weeks ago you made some disparaging remarks about rugby as compared to american football ever stopped to think about how illogical and ludicrous it is

to call it football when you don't use your foot he's giving me like Jerry Seinfeld shit memory serves you said something to the effect that those rugby pussies would be getting wouldn't be getting up if Ray Lewis put a hit on him you know what dude I stand by that statement but uh I know I already answered your email but for all you fucking limey cunts over there in fucking england the reason why I shit on rugby was because the english cunt who wrote me was shitting all over fucking american sports so obviously you're not going to treat me with respect I'm going to make fun of fucking rugby and your little booty short larry bird short shorts from the 1980s and now every fucking 10 minutes you have to basically stick your head up somebody somebody

else's ass as you guys tried to do that elephant trick of kicking the ball out the back totally respect rugby I think it's a fucking awesome game I've seen it on tv it is the shit and they have literally bone jarring lose your filling fucking hits all the time I do think it's a great sport I do think people are tough but you know if you're gonna shit on american football I'm gonna shit all over your sports that's how it works please do not take the podcast seriously I don't fucking read I do it by myself as you can tell with the different levels of volume this week I'm not organized all right so that's the one and only rule all right don't take it seriously and if you can remember tell somebody and if not don't because I think the smaller this thing stays

the cooler it's going to be name one fucking thing that is blown up and and stayed at the same level of quality it doesn't it doesn't you know you want I want it to be like this I want to fucking I'm gonna be down in the foxhole you know if I if I had this thing actually ever fucking blew up and I'm and I'm and I'm doing rants about saying unacceptable then these fucking other cunts will figure out that that's what we're saying we're saying unacceptable then the whole game plan is over and then what I'm doing here is fucking useless right wow did I just go off on a fantasy there where this thing became the biggest fucking radio show ever I think I just did you know that's what happens when you sit here by yourself you let your dreams

leak out and then people make funny you and then you feel silly um all right that's the podcast for this week that was a fucking mess all right it was a fucking mess I'm not you know I think it kind of got back on the rails afterwards but it was a mess you guys remember when ESPN first came out they used to sell those fucking rednecks they'd race in the mud remember that they turned their tractors into these uh I don't know what the fuck they were but they would they would race through the mug you'd get bogged down that's what the fuck it was I was that redneck sitting in that tractor in the mud I like how I had to explain that it sucked like you didn't fucking notice um that's it all you guys have a great fucking week and um that's it that's the podcast for this week

and I've uh talked myself into a corner once again because I usually end with have a great week that's what I usually say and then I continue talking and now here I am down in the fucking mud again um hey has anybody seen that I'm just gonna keep talking if you guys seen that commercial where they got the fucking uh they're trying to help you out of that financial you know all these people in financial difficulties um ah fuck that's what I was gonna talk about god damn it no one's listening at this point I'm gonna I'm gonna waste this story I went to the supermarket okay and I don't I don't use those little savey save cards that they have yeah right a little savey save card and I always say no would you like one no I wouldn't you know because basically

what you're doing is a free fucking survey remember that shit so they can figure out what you can't live without so they can jack up the price of that food and then give you like a nickel off of like their version of cornflakes so I went in there okay and they asked me if I had to sit in their little save card and I said no and they said do you want one I said no and the lady goes it's okay I'll just punch in a code anyways so she punches in a code and I get money off anyways so it's like they even figured out a way to figure out what I'm fucking buying even when I'm saying go fuck yourself to the save thing so I think the only way to get around it at this point I'm gonna try it next time is I'm gonna walk in with cash and just have cash and see what the fuck they do you know

they did it to me today at Macy's I went out there and I bought some towels and I bought some beer glasses that's what I bought Macy's and they said do you ever do you have a Macy's card I said no I don't well it'll give you 25% off every douchey thing you bought I said that's okay and she goes it's all right I'll give you the discount anyways and she types in this fucking code I don't know what they're up to I really don't know what they're up to but I know they don't sit around trying to make less money does anybody know what the fuck that's about that is your homework for this week if you still listened if you listened this far you fucking hate your job and you need to get a new one all right don't hurt anybody at work all right that's it now I'm done everybody have a good week

I'll talk to you next week oh Thank you very much, that was kind of mission impossible.