Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-17

Episode Date: November 23, 2017

Bill rambles about Thanksgiving tips, what to cook, and  going to a masseuse.

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Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn.

It's time for the Monday morning. No, it isn't. God damn it. It's a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you. And the volume's too loud. And the volume's too loud.

What's going on? Hey, hey, hey, test test. Two, two, check, check, two, two. Oh, Jesus Christ. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Happy Thanksgiving, United States of America. Happy Thanksgiving to you.

What's going on? Happy Thanksgiving to the United States of America's citizens. Each and every one of you. I am thankful to be an American sitting here with my gun, eating a fucking donut, getting fat and having fun.

If my wife miles off to me, gonna slap her in the face, get myself some pie and then make fun of another race. Hey, all right, what's going on? This is it for all you around the world and you want to know what the fucking Thanksgiving is all about.

This is what it's about. It's about sitting down and over-reading, celebrating the fact that on this day, Thanksgiving, 1776, the United States of America kicked the shit out of the fucking British, British people at the Battle of Thanksgiving.

You know, this black dude, Christmas addicts, addicts? Attica! Whatever his fucking name was, he came walking out and he said, he said, yo, motherfuckers, what's with your powdered wig, bitch?

Right? And then the English were like, oh, you can't talk to me like that, especially with that skin complexion. And they tried to shoot him, but he fucking stabbed King Henry the 8th. Yeah, right in the throat with the turkey bone. Broke his larynx.

The guy survived. He took it out on his wife, you know, beat her to death with a chastity belt. That's true, and you can look it up. But at the end of the day, the end of the day, that small act was what created this country. And, um,

I'm thankful for Christmas addicts, whatever his name was, going back to my history classes, you know. Was that the only black guy they talked about? I think it was. They sort of touched on slavery. All these white guys did this amazing stuff,

slavery. And then they built the White House. Um, anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Who cares? Here we go. We back, we're back.

Yeah, I don't give a shit. This is one of these podcasts. I don't care. I don't care from entertaining you. I don't care from confusing you. I don't care from ruining your fucking meal, because I am in a resentful mood. A lot of people are thankful today.

I am not thankful. And I'll tell you why, because I'm working right now. I'm doing a podcast. You can hear my daughter screaming in the background. She's already half in the bag. Everybody's boozing, having a great time. And old Billy, no fun.

Old Billy, no fun is continuing with his streak. Why is he continuing with his streak? Is it because he's vain? I don't know why I'm continuing. I just don't want to be a fat boozebag again. I'm just going to ride out the rest of the year. I'll see what the vibe is for 2018. That first day when I roll out of bed,

I'll see how I feel. Granted, I'll be at the Rose Bowl, so I'll be very excited. Which this year is going to be one of those semi-final playoffs. I think the Miami Hurricanes are going to be there. Somebody was saying that. I have no idea. All I know is I'm going.

I'm going, right? That's what I did. I bought some tickets for myself and my friends for the Rose Bowl. Because I was giving thanks to living in this wonderful country that has these stadiums that you can go to. Right?

You used to be able to get drunk and have a good time. Can't do that anymore. Oh, you can't do that anymore. Somebody was jerking off vigorously with a fucking shrimp cocktail. And now everybody shut it down. There's going to be no fun anymore. No fun in the comedy clubs.

Dude, the vibe in comedy clubs, depending on what you talk about, if you talk about absolutely nothing, I'm sure nothing has changed. But if you even remotely touch on fucking anything, there's so many subjects now. And these fucking millennials, they swear to God, they just sit there.

It's like doing a cruise ship gig. Can you imagine? Sorry, I didn't mean to scream. Can you imagine the fucking midlife crisis that millennials are going to have? They're not having any fun. They're sitting around staring at the goddamn screens. They're afraid to say anything.

Everything's been judged and labeled. It's like this fucking bizarre, like way back in the day, way back in the day, they used to say that the government, right, they're going to come down on you, man, they're going to take away free speech, man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, wasn't.

Social media. Social media has made everything so fucking important, your quote. Everybody's on eggshells. It's really different. The amount of times I have to fucking sit there as almost a 50-year-old man and tell young people to snap out of it.

And then they always applaud, like, yay, we want to snap out of it. What the heck is snap out of it? I'm calling this right now. I don't know what's going to come out of this. At the very least, there's going to be a great wrestling character. You know?

If I actually could take the beating, the punishment of professional wrestling, you know, and I was a younger fella, my character's name would be the millennial. Right? Selfish fucking sanctimonious. The word I learned this year, self-righteous, which is basically the same thing

said in a different way, isn't it? And I would act like how much I cared, and then I would go into the ring and be a selfish fucking prick who just cheated and fucked over everybody all the way to my victory. Something like that. That's still loose. Or maybe it's not too late for me to be a wrestling manager.

But I'm too old to be a millennial. I'll be proud of my millennial children. I don't fucking know. This is why I don't write for the fucking WWF or whatever they're called now, the WWE. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. So how was your guys Wednesday?

Just before Thanksgiving. How was it? Did you go to the local bar? Did you see that lady? Did you see that fella? Or maybe you wanted to bang one of your teachers. Did you hook up? Did it happen?

If I was a creepy teacher, that's what I would do. You know what I mean? To keep my job, I wouldn't try to bang one of my students, but I would hit every fucking Wednesday before Thanksgiving at the local watering hole. You know, by then when the fucking whoever the hell I wanted to bang was of age, and I'd show up, you know what I mean?

Just fucking chalk dust on my pants. Do a little dance, make a little love. Hey ladies, have you ever gone the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? Did you just check in on one of your teachers? Have you ever done that? You know, not an old crusty guy, but that new guy, alright?

The guy who was like in his 30s, seemed like he had it all together, at least to you when you were sitting in your class before you realized he's probably making only 18 grand a year with no benefits. Of course he has the whole summer off, which would be great for the kids in the above ground pool. Underrated above ground pool.

Under fucking rated the above ground pool. I mean, how much into the water do you need to be? As long as it goes up to your neck, you're fine, right? Then in the wintertime you let it freeze over and you can skate on it. Actually bill for above ground pool, let them out of water, shut the fuck up. Nobody cares about your science.

So listen to this, I told you last week I fucked up my ribs, or I fucking the cartilage around them. I don't know what happened. So I went to a masseuse, which is what you want to do. You want to go to a, ah fuck, you want to go to a masseuse, just sitting up first.

If you want to go to a fucking masseuse that knows what the fuck they're doing, because basically all my muscles were spasmed and this guy fucking fixed all of it. And I walked out of there and I felt great, and then like the German-Irish asshole I was, I'm like, well, you know, I'm about 60%. I guess I can go play drums at 100% now

and see what happens. And I came out of there and I felt like I got hit by a fucking car. You know why it is, because old Billy's working on his double bass pedal. He's got the double pedal now, huh? And you know what the deal is, if you're a white guy and you're white drummer,

if you're a warmer, right? What are the first couple of songs you're going to learn? Huh? Motley Crue, Live Wire, before you move up to Pantera, Cowboys from Hell. That's what it is. And I'm actually finding that fucking triplet lick

is easier than actually just playing 16th. 16th's passed like fucking 95, 100 BPMs. I just sound like a horse galloping down the street. But what I didn't realize was how much I was engaging my obliques. And the right side is all fucked up. So whatever. I have another appointment next fucking week.

But dude, I got to tell you something right now. All you guys out there, all you old fucks like me, if you have aches and pains in your body, before you go to a doctor, I'm telling you, go see a masseuse, actually a top shelf masseuse that understands the body and how it fucking works.

Because I'm telling you right now, if you go to a doctor, you know what they're going to do. What does it hurt? This is my specialty. I'm a knee doctor, so I'm just looking at your fucking knee and then they're going to give you prescriptions.

They're going to give you some pain medications. You know, next thing you know, you're fucking on heroin. You don't need, oh, you can just go to a masseuse and not play drums at the end of the day. And I think you'll be fine. As always, I have no idea what I'm talking about,

but it does warm my heart on things. I do give thanks right now, thinking that I'm possibly ignoring, not ignoring, annoying somebody in the medical field. That's not true. I'm a knee doctor. I take in consideration the hip joint,

the fucking therics, your larynx, therics, the hypothalamus, therics, I think I just invented a body part. That's your thyroid and your larynx where they connect. It's like the taint between the two of them.

Larynx is somewhere in your voice box and your thyroid, I don't know where that, isn't that in your neck? They have a swollen thyroid gland. Yeah, and you also got something on the side of your mouth. So, if you don't pick up the conversation, I'm walking away

because I don't give a shit about your fucking, can I say that? Can I say that on the podcast? Well, I offend thyroid Americans. Anyway, so I, I fucking made a sweet potato pie first time this year. And what I learned was

there's no sweet potato when a sweet potato pie, it's actually fucking yams. I didn't know that. I'm white, I don't know. So, it was, at least the fucking sweet potatoes I got when I fucking boiled them

and got the skin off them, they were, they were hawat. So, I was thinking, all right, maybe the cinnamon and the nutmeg and that shit turns it brown. It did not. I basically made a sweet, I made a potato pie

that had a little bit of sweetness to it. So, I had to fucking get rid of that thing, went back, got some yams. You know, you got to understand people that I'm essentially going to be one of the few white people at my Thanksgiving dinner. And rather than making a white pie,

I'm making a pie that is the staple of the black community, as far as I've been told. So, there's all this fucking pressure. I'm thinking I'm going to take a pounding today, as far as like, you know, you should have put some vanilla in there, you should have done this,

you should have done that. We'll see what happens. We'll see how I survive. You know what I mean? Which is probably a good thing that I'm not drinking today. You know what I mean? Because then, you know,

I would have all that alcohol in me, everybody would be criticizing my pie. And then I'd start crying like a sad drunk. Speaking of sad, I realized I just fucking sat back, which is not what you want to do. Because now I've got to make that noise again when I fucking sit up.

Anyways, congrats. You know what I'm thankful for? Something else that I'm thankful for is the Celtic 16-game winning streak. What an absolute gift to start off the season. I'm thankful for Danny Ainge. Or as I like to call him, Bill Belichick Jr.

Look what this man is doing with draft picks. Look what this guy has done. Anybody can be like the Lakers and just sit around and go, who's the best players in the league? I will have them thank you very much. Oh, did you already develop them? But to actually sit there

and hold on to your draft picks for years and then exquisitely use them to trade, to move up in the draft, to pick the guys to assemble the pieces. Who's kidding who? We're in the East, so everybody in the East is doing the exact same thing. We're waiting for LeBron to get old.

You know, it's like everybody in the AFC East in football. It's just how long is this motherfucker Tom Brady going to be great for? You know? You know what the turning point in his career was was getting with Giselle. All right? So what she has him on,

he's like on that fucking wheatgrass yoga diet. He's all flexible and stuff. You know what I mean? He's eating like a starving model. Right? You saw when he came into the league, came right in out of the fucking dorms, eating fucking jalapeno poppers.

Did they even have those back then? That's how old he is. Like a new appetizer has come around since he started in the league. That's when you know you're old. You know what I mean? When all you want is those little mini fucking hot dogs with the mustard on them

and somebody's go, we have jalapeno poppers. What are those? I'm not familiar with those. Do you want some, what is that fucking weird one? Not s'mores. Let's say one every,

all those other weird families. You know what the weird families are? They're basically people that cook the shit that you don't eat, you know? Not s'mores. Not Charlie Browns. What do they call them? It's some chocolate thing.

It just sounds like a sweet name for taking a dump. I can't even remember what the fuck it is. Do you want one of these? It's like, no, I don't. I don't. I'm hoping the lovely Mia will come in here and join me at some point on Thanksgiving. So I give thanks for having a lovely wife.

I was hoping that that was going to happen at some point. You know? You know what my wife is like? She's like Louis De Palma on fucking taxi. As far as the way she always gives me a fucking other jobs. She's like, she's like dispatch. Every time I'm out driving around,

you got to shut your phone off. Because if you don't, you're just going to get all these assignments. Hey, are you like 40 miles away from the dry cleaner? Could you go over there and pick up some stuff? Nia! Nia! Yes!

I'm in here trashing you. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Ba da da boo boo boo boo. Who do you guys like today? Do you like the lines? Do you like the cowboys? Oh, here we go. Oh, look who's here.

There she is. Mrs. Mrs. Burr. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba boo boo boo. Making a triumphant return. Making a triumphant return. Oh, man, I was just trashing you. Can you pull up your chair there? I was comparing you to Louis de Palma on taxi.

Remember how he's in dispatch? And he was always telling the guys where to go and pick up stuff. You're 10 years older than me. I don't, these references, a lot of times I don't get out. Well, it's classic. Have you ever seen the Maltese Falcon? In college, but I don't remember it.

Oh, you don't? Oh, that's right. What's your point? What is my point? I like how aggressive you're going into this. This is very offensive. I like it. But you just said to me you were trashing me.

So why wouldn't I be? I wasn't saying that it was wrong. What was your point? Is it me or is there a lot of tension for a holiday? Yes. Yes, there is. I was just saying that I'm going to start when I go out and about when I drive around Hollywood,

checking out the scene. I'm going to start shutting off my phone. Okay. Because you're always giving me jobs. Do you notice when you go out, I don't call you up and be like, hey, Nia, can you go by the two pay shop and pick up my rug? Yeah.

I mean, it's a real hard time for you. I understand. It's difficult for you. I get it. So that's what you're just going to go with arrogance? Beyond your capabilities. So that's cool. I'll manage my expectations.

Thank you. Thank you. Can you do that? Can you stop giving me assignments? It's really hot in here. Is it just me? Is it really? It's really hot in here.

So take off your bathrobe. Come on. Stop it. Be fun on the podcast. Okay. Just because I went in there and I trashed you right out of the gate rather than being thankful. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Hey, did you? Why were you giving me shit for coming in so late last night? Cause I was wondering where that F you were. I was upstairs. First of all, I came home and I went to turn on the fucking TV to watch the Bruins versus the New Jersey Devils and the fast forward button worked and then I couldn't get it to stop.

And it was worse. It was on one. Oh no. So I was actually trying to watch it like and I realized it needed new batteries. First world problems. Right. All right.

Tell me what happened with your Thanksgiving dinner. Well, you know, I don't like to trash people in the podcast, but I will say that this, you know, particular company that I ordered from, they promised you a peach cobbler and you got there and it wasn't there. You know, and so I, I made it known via a very short, simple email that I was disappointed in that fact. And, you know, I was waiting two and a half hours to pick it up and,

you know, nobody could have, nobody came out and said, Hey, listen, doesn't look like the peach cobbler is happening. I'm so sorry because then I would have been like, okay, well, let me maybe run out and try to grab something. But, you know, I waited for two and a half hours in the parking lot and got my food and came home and was exhausted. Are you going to write those people back because they responded to your email with like a four page Getty's burger dress.

I'm telling you, you should write them back to be like, if you spent as much time making my peach cobbler rather than giving me four pages of excuses where you're the victim. Here's a good one for your business in the future. Don't promise what you can't deliver. That's pretty much what, yeah. Yeah, they said you ordered really late. Then don't take the order.

Yeah, they should have said no. All right. But they were doing me a favor is basically the tone that I got back was that they were doing me a favor and, you know, it was difficult to get my payments information, but it's like, I missed a couple phone calls because I was with the baby. Oh, now you have excuses. Yeah.

I think you guys, I think you guys are two peas in a pod here on a third time. I gave them the information and for the full amount, not the half deposit that they initially requested. I was like, go ahead and do the full amount. But, you know, do you guys think that will there be a second date? Do you guys think you're ever going to? This is the second date.

Oh, recall. So this is this. There will not be a third date. You know, life goes on. And, uh, yeah. This is why you cook your own fucking meal. I'm telling you. I see that.

So I don't have to deal with other people's bullshit. You know, it's, it's, it's fine though. It's like, I expected this response back because I've dealt with this person before. So, you know, this isn't surprising that it would be like a whole list of reasons. Of excuses, I should say, not even reason, just excuse. I love how she kept complimenting you and telling you to have a

happy Thanksgiving. Okay. Like just the, we're getting on an airplane and we're jetting away to enjoy our, the, the anger as opposed to being like, I know you're disappointed. Sorry about that. Sorry. We promised something that we couldn't deliver, but here's

four pages of excuses. Yeah. Here's a bunch of excuses. Why? And then to like, you know, bring my mother into it as well, which is very classy, very, very classy on, on this person's part. But you know, I feel like Andy Cohen right now, like I wish the

person who didn't make the sweet potato pie was here. Sweet potato pie guy. I don't. Oh, come on. So Nia, um, I have to, have you started your Christmas shopping yet? No. I have.

I am fucking crushing it. Nieces, nephews, done. Okay. You done. What? I'm done with you. I'm breaking up with you. No Christmas gift for you.

No, I'm actually, I'm going to wrap some shit and then I'm going to wrap my presents. Sorry. I'm going to read a little bit of, did you see the Christmas wrapping paper that I got for you for the kids? Oh yeah. I thought it was cute, like peanuts and then like Ruta or Mickey.

Yeah. Your gifts are also going to be wrapped in that. We have other wrapping paper. All right. Let me read this thing here. Nia, this frigging side feels so much better today after not moving. I think the key, the key to letting your rib cage heal is to

not move. Right. So I want to let you know today, I'm not avoiding you and your relatives. You're just not. I'm nursing my side. Okay. Are you just going to be able to handle a sober me on the

holidays? I mean, haven't I been handling it for the last however long you haven't been drinking? No, but on the holidays, usually I get all drunk and belligerent and start telling everybody around the room what their problem is. It's how you talk. I'm a happy drunk.

I like to think. You're so silly and goofy and you're very loving. You're one of those drunks that calls me up before in the morning and tell me how much you love me. I do. It's so funny. Yeah. That's why I don't need weed, man.

I don't need the weed. I'm done with that shit. You say that all the time. Yeah, but I don't smoke that much. So every time I do, I just, it always fucking burns my throat. I don't get it. I just don't know how to control your inhale.

Yeah. I don't get it. You're just doing like these bong rip type of things. I do shots. What do you want? Yeah. Cause you're trying to get that same effect. It doesn't work like that.

No, I'm not. I'm just trying to fucking inhale and parcel it out. I don't know. Yeah. I don't want to get good at it. I don't want to get good at it, but whenever I don't drink, then every once in a while I'll come around. I'll be all right.

I got to do something. I got to break up the monotony here. Thank God you're not into Heron or I'd be doing that. Heron. But Heron. I made a sweet potato pie. I'm gonna put it down. I feel like I'm woke.

All right. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Novelties. Describe to small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas along with all NS Novelties. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size.

Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Frambridge everybody. If you've previously listened to this show, you've heard me talk about Frambridge. They make it super easy and affordable to custom frame, favorite things from art prints and posters to the photos on your phone. I actually collected all the pictures of our lovely daughter and put it on a hard drive.

And there was so many of them that I was like, you know what? I think Frambridge could really help me out with this one. There you go. That's a personal story. Men's Health says Frambridge has disrupted the custom framing industry, making what has typically been a frustrating and expensive process easy and affordable shots fired in the custom big frame. Yeah, take that.

Yeah, custom framers. And with the holiday around the corner, Frambridge is the perfect way to send truly one-of-a-kind gifts without that much thought. Right? To everyone on your list. This is what you need. The thing about it is there's so many people that you don't like, but you have to get them something.

You know what I mean? That's perfect. You don't have the fucking time. Just scroll through your goddamn cell phone. Go past the dick pics. Go past that picture of the directions. Okay, that you have saved on there for whatever reason. And find that picture of you and this person you just required to get a stocking.

Stock for four, right? And go in there. And just send it up. And then it's done. And then it's done. There you go. There you go. What's the way did you go during all that?

You just fucking started staring a hole through my giant head here. Sorry. What do you think? You're thinking about the meal, right? I am. You're a little off on this podcast. I'm sorry. Yeah, because I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to respond to this email or not.

I don't think I'm going to. Oh, I would have to. I would just real quickly. I would just be like, I would just pay something along the way. Going back and forth and back and forth about it. You know what I mean? Like it's just going to be more the same. You know, I said what I had to say.

And now what's that? Well, the great to say and you know, there you go. You know what? You guys both said what you had to say. And I think you should both be thankful that you know what? You know what? You know, I am doing this in highly favored, you know, I, you know, I keep doing this. What I'm thankful for is I fucking hate.

That's the one thing about Thanksgiving that I cannot stand. What is listening to adults and not thankful for my electric toothbrush. Like just you don't think that's nice. I don't like listening to it because I am so jaded that I'm just like, I just feel like people try to top one another about like what they're thankful for and how much more they understand what's really makes you happy in life. Yeah. It's like when people have a baby and they try to sit there and talk about like how much

they love their baby. So then they have to top the other person. Right. Oh my God. My heart is just filled to the brim with love. Oh yeah. I feel like my heart is on the outside of my body now and then they just keep fucking going about their heart.

And it's just like the two of you love your kid. You love your kid. Yes. I get it. Oh my God. Is it standing up like all babies eventually do? That is incredible. Actually, some babies can't.

And that's what we need to be thankful for. That's right. All right. Just go to framebridge.com. Oh, upload your photo from your computer or directly from your Instagram feed. Fucking ribs being messed up. You can't sneeze and you can't laugh. I mean, that is basically, that's my wheelhouse of emotions.

I live, I live between laughing and sneezing. I'm going to be robotic today. Do you have ribs? We have ribs for as a, as part of our. Well, I hope you didn't get into the peach cobbler fight before they made those goddamn things. No, I waited till you know, I just pictured him. I just pictured him taking the rib and running it all right along the crack of his ass.

There's your glaze for your motherfucker. I don't think he would ever do that. He is actually very classy, I think. And who wants sticky buns? Or if you have a physical item, they'll provide secure pre-page package so you can mail it in for free, preview your photo online in any frame style, choose your favorite or get free help from the talented designers. Here's a great idea.

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Yeah. I feel like a bum. It's kind of a little overwhelming. So, you know, I thought I could like you have a cheat on a test and then you get it back and you have kind of that feeling of guilt. Yeah. I never did. Me undies everybody.

Ah, but do, do, do me undies, me undies. Where's my fucking pie? Do, do, do me undies, me undies. Make it as someone's going to die. I don't give a fuck about all your excuses. Make the fucking thing. Put it in the caboose. And I'm going to drive away nice and happy.

I guess we don't get dessert. You fucking cunts there. All right. Every year, millions of people receive the least liked gift of all time underwear. But we, I like when, you know, what's funny is buying your wife's sexy underwear. I mean, is that really a gift? Hey, put this on, dress it up. You know, I can't let her.

Deflour you. I like lingerie. You like lingerie? I love lingerie. You just like the word makes you feel bilingual. Um, lingerie. But we still give it to try. We still give it to our family.

That's what you do. You take a picture of underwear. You get it framed. And then you send it to somebody and that's two for one. That's weird. Is it? Sounds like some weird, like Jeffrey Dahmer shit. It's just the underwear.

I'm not saying you're in it with the stiffy, but we still give it to our families and our loved ones who just don't want it. Ow. Uh, but maybe it's not, I couldn't even just chuckle that, but it's not that underwear. You have to go, ha, ha, ha. I'm trying to know his name. Sorry. Oh, that wasn't a bad one.

Maybe. No. Cause what happens is the muscles spasm and they just fucking, they start locking up. Okay. You know what's funny is trying to sneeze relaxed. What I try to do is just exhale as much air out as I can. And then you just go, you sneeze and it doesn't get out. And then it just.

Yeah. You need that guy Barnes from platoon in your face going pick the pain. But maybe it's not that on underwear is the problem. It's the kind of underwear. Let, oh, let, let me tell you about me on these. The only underwear that makes for an amazing gift, soft, flexible, like the whore up the street, waistband, three times softer than cotton, naturally sustainable source fiber. The undies made underwear.

The perfect gift that everyone is going to love. He's going to love you for, you know, it's funny. Did they break up with modal modal? Cause they don't talk about the fabric anymore. Can they send me some underwear? They send you underwear. Can I have some too? I don't want you walking around and guys underwear.

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Go to me undies.com slash bar. That's me undies.com slash bar. Tell me two more. Jesus Christ. Lift, Nia. Can I come back? Oh, absolutely. I'll turn down the volume.

I have to change. Change into what? Did you buy like a turkey dress? Do you have a little underneath your chin? Peach cobbler. That sounds like a wrestler. Oh, maybe that'll be my wrestler name. Peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler. I like it. I was going to go as the millennial. I just think it's a great wrestling character. You just get offended by everything. The millennial. And then you go and use some self-righteous cunt. Yeah.

I'm going to be peach cobbler. I like it. I'll be back. Okay. There she goes, everybody. All right. I wonder if I use two microphones. Will I be half as funny or twice as funny?

All right. Lift, everybody. Lift knows that drivers are what keeps them moving. So they do everything they can to make sure their drivers are happy on every trip. Lift believes that being a ride-sharing driver should be fun. Oh, don't have too much fun. You fucking drive in the car, man. That's like when you fly one of these stupid airlines in the stewardesses as they're singing

songs like on Southwest. It's like, well, you shut the fuck up and try to be remotely professional. My life is in your hands. You know what I hate more is the people that laugh and applaud and just egg them on. And we got a free show. I don't even know why we have to get off the plane in Vegas. Lift believes that being a ride-sharing driver should be fun. If you have a good time, so are the passengers.

If you're choosing a ride, just picturing everybody boozing it up. We're having a great time, right? You're going to be okay. I said, God damn fucking words. If you're choosing a ride-sharing company to drive for, go with the company that treats you. Better lift. Lift was the first to offer in-app tipping. When you drive for lift, you get 100% of the tips.

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Drive more. Want to earn more money? Everybody work more. It's never been easier to give yourself a raise. It's a simple formula. That's not a raise. A raise is you make more an hour. A raise is not you work more.

Jesus fucking Christ. I suck at math and even I saw through that bullshit. It's a simple formula. Happy drivers mean happy passengers. Maybe that's why nine out of 10 lift rides get a perfect five-star rating. Yeah, and one out of 10 are good at math. Oh, Jesus, Bill, don't burn this one down. I love lift.

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That's lift.com slash burr. Lift.com slash burr. I want to fucking become a lift driver. I would love to do that. Just fucking cruise around the city, you know, talking to people. Everybody gets a free fucking DVD. I don't have a DVD player. It's free.

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That's simplysafeburr.com for $200 off simplysafeburr.com. All right. Where are we in the podcast? Oh, 38 minutes. Are you guys thankful for the extra eight minutes that I gave you? So I got my Christmas shopping started. I'm very excited about that. I think I'm actually going to do a family Christmas card this year.

Every year we were like, we should do that and we never did it. Well, this year, goddammit, we're going to do it because we got a kid now, right? If you don't have a fucking kid, you know, past a certain age, just you, your significant other and your family pet. Don't you start feeling like the other people judging you? They haven't reproduced what's wrong with them. I don't know. Maybe they're informed.

They understand how much, you know, population. Let's not get into the population problem. Hey, hey, hey. Fair enough. Fair enough. Speaking of fair enough, the throwback podcast for you, for those of you who are new to my podcast and you're listening for the first time, which I am so thankful for. I just feel like for me, if I have more listeners.

Um, Andrew, who I am also thankful for the wonderful producer who picks out the music every week when we do the, uh, after I babble for a half hour, we then listen to some music, a little interlude, and then we go into a classic podcast from a Thursday gone by in another year or possibly earlier this year. Evidently last year, one of these years I gave the, uh, the now classic. I like to call it a classic because I would like to do something classic in life. So I'm going to say that what I did was classic. Uh, the fair enough, like how to get through your Thanksgiving dinner with the simple phrase,

fair enough, huh? You don't feel that aborting a child is murder. Fair enough. It is. You killed something, right? Cause if you didn't do it, I mean that, that'd be something fair enough. I like doing that. I like arguing the opposite side of political shit.

Like if I was in a conservative conservative fucking state, I would argue pro pro choice. When I'm in LA, I argue pro life and nothing, none of it has to do with the fetus or anything like that. All it has to do with is me annoying the person that I'm talking to. That's what I do. Anyways, that's, that's the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. God bless all of you. I am so thankful.

I'm so thankful to be able to go out and tell jokes every night and I just feel like for me. All right. Have a great Thanksgiving weekend. You cunt. And I will talk to you on Monday. I cannot wait to watch the football game, but unfortunately my wife has gone into that fucking Westminster dog show, which I really enjoy except for the fact that it comes on at the same time as the football game there. I said it.

Bye. You take me places that I never knew existed. Oh, happy turkey day to you. Oh, you know stuffing and potatoes and pie and beer. Cranberries and gravy and your cousin who's gay. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy not having to fucking go to work today. Huh? You around the table? Are you sitting down yet? Well, if you haven't gone downstairs yet, I got some advice for you. Today is going to be a day. I think there's going to be a lot of fucking arguments. A lot of fucking arguments at the table, right?

The big fucking election. Some people wanted the guy with the eyebrows. Some people wanted the fucking lady with the pants suit, right? This is what you got to do. See, you're already going to have a fight, right? There's already going to be your older brother. There's going to be this person. There's going to be another, somebody's going to say something, right?

And you're going to be, you're going to have a couple of wild fucking turkeys. They're just standing over there, you know, eating a fucking appetizer or two. And somebody's going to be getting on your nerves. Maybe somebody's fucking wife who won't shut the fuck up, right? Why the fuck did he marry her? Maybe, maybe it's the husband. Jesus Christ, what is she doing with this guy? All he does is fucking talk about himself.

Something's going to drive you up the fucking wall. If it's not this, it's going to be that. This is, this is the phrase. This is the phrase that's going to save your day, okay? Save the whole fucking day because you're not going to change anybody's opinion. All these fucking jerks off still yelling, how could you vote for Trump? Well, what the fuck about Hillary? You're not changing.

You're just going to fucking yell at each other. So here's the phrase you got to use to get through this fucking day. All right, along with the alcohol or whatever drug you fucking want to use. Just fair enough. You know, hey, fair enough. That's all you got to do. What'd you say? Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, guys, fair enough.

Fair enough, whatever. You don't need to see him anymore, right? Now, if you're younger and you still live there, that's kind of fucking tough. I don't know what to tell you, but if you've already moved out of the house, why are you still arguing with these people? Why are you still trying to change their fucking minds? You're not going to change their minds, all right? I don't give a fuck if you're majoring in debating.

It's your stupid fucking school in the woods, whatever the fuck it is you did. And now you're coming back and now you think you know something and you think that your fucking siblings want to hear it. You know what? They don't. The same way you don't want to hear the way they fucking eat when they've had a couple, two, three, right? And all of a sudden everything just sounds like they're eating fucking mashed potatoes.

You know, you start having these murderous fucking thoughts. You know, just fair enough. Hey, hey, fair enough. Whatever, whatever. Is that what you think? Is that how you look at the world? Hey, God bless you. Pass the fucking peas and carrots.

Fair enough. Fair enough, you know? That's all you got to do. And eventually the meal's going to be over. All right? And you're going to get in your fucking car and you're going to drive away. Unless you're staying there for the weekend. Well, then you got to go out to, I don't know, you got to Uber, you got to Uber.

All right? You got to get the fuck out of there. Yeah. Thanksgiving is a, it's such a great day. There's no pressure to get any gifts. You're eating a bunch of great food. All of that is tremendous. Okay?

Unless, unless you're going to her fucking family's house or his family's house. That's a weird one. Because you know, you're used to all your family's food and Thanksgiving, you know how it's supposed to taste. Now you're going to go somewhere else. It's going to taste a little bit different. You know? This is like a classic stand up bit. Like here's how it usually is, but when you fucking blah, blah, blah, oh, it's a whole different story.

Right? Then you just got to suck it up and just be like, you know, worst case scenario, this absolutely fucking sucks. You know? In which case, fair enough. You know, you don't know how to cook. Okay. You're supposed to cook today. You know, it's, it's like when it's somebody's birthday.

Most people can't sing, but God damn it. You got to sing the song so they do the best they can. Happy birthday. Right? They do what the fuck they can. Well, sometimes you got to take the same fucking theory of a tone deaf person singing happy birthday to you because they love you. Right? You got to apply that to food, which is a motherfucker, which brings it to how do I make it look like I ate this shit when I really didn't?

Well, oh Jesus, I don't know how to do this one. What you got to do is you got to fucking, you got to engage in a lot of conversation as you just sort of fucking hitting the plate with your fork a little bit as if you almost like, you know, that noise people make when they want someone to make a speech that annoying fucking thing. You know, oh my God, nothing fucking makes my goddamn blood boil. Like when I'm in the middle of a fucking conversation and some cunt starts hitting the glass with the fork and then for whatever social fucking reason, I have to now shut up. You know? Oh my God, that gets me going. But not today. Not today, everybody.

Hey, fair enough. Hey, somebody's down the somebody's down the fucking street over there with a little fucking spoon, knocking it against some glass. You know, I guess we all have to start as adults. We have to shut the fuck up. Right? Like we're working for this asshole. Babe, you know what? Hey, fair enough.

Fair enough. You know, he just fucking sit there. Oh, oh, here we go. Oh, good. Oh, here's a cliched what I'm thankful for speech. Oh, is that what you're thankful for? You know, I'm thankful for a lady. Every fucking word that comes out of your mouth is one less word.

It was one word closer to the end of whatever the fuck it is you're saying. You know, that's when you know, you know, the passive aggressive move is what someone's in the middle of that is. You fucking ask somebody just kind of pointed somebody pointed some plate, you know, little fucking give me that butter. They're still yammering on, you know, you know, back in 1983 when we first saw this house, right? And you're just sitting there buttering your fucking roll. Oh, is this motherfucker going to go every goddamn year from 1983? Hey, you know what? Fair enough.

Fair enough. Yeah. I didn't want to wear this sweater, right? He's fucking these potatoes instant. These fucking potatoes ain't fair enough. Hey, you didn't you didn't have time to fucking cook real ones. Maybe they ran out of them down. What was the last fucking time they ever ran out of potatoes?

They never run out of potatoes in this country. It's why somebody fucking Irish people over here, right? Fucking Irish man. They tapped out on their own country one fucking time in their whole history. They run out of potatoes and everybody fucking jumped ship, right? But not the real Irish men. The real Irish men and real ladies, they fucking stuck around. I like these cowards that all moved to fucking New Jersey.

But you know what? Hey, fair enough, you know, they wanted some potatoes. This is one of these days, people, you know, and if you're younger, man, you got to enjoy the holidays because they're never going to get, it doesn't get better than, you know, because you don't know any better. So the food tastes the way the fucking food is supposed to taste in your world, right? Everyone who's supposed to be there is there, you know? It's when you get older and you start expanding your fucking world.

And all of a sudden, you know, Jesus Christ, I mean, you're sitting there with somebody. You might, you might be sitting at that fucking table being, I don't even know if I'm with the right person right now. What the fuck am I doing? Hey, you know what? Hey, say it with me, fair enough. I'm with somebody that I probably was never really in love with, but didn't realize what love was, you know?

And now here I am. And all I got to do is not get in an argument for one fucking day. I can do this, right? By Saturday, I'm going to be out of this fucking relationship. And you know what? Oh, I'm going to be thankful then. You bet your sweet fucking ass. Oh my God, if it starts going into politics, if it starts going into politics, you almost

need like a referee during this period of US history to just literally step in with one of those footlocker fucking athletes, foot ref shirts, blow a fucking whistle and just send the two people to opposite fucking lazy boys. Let it go. Hey, hey, it's over. It's over. She went home. She went home.

It's over. Okay? She's not coming back. I don't think she's got a third run in her. All right? Sir, sit down. Sit down. Sit down, buddy.

Nobody's building a wall today. Okay? Just fucking relax. Maybe it could be the peacemaker. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? I'm actually very excited. You wouldn't know it this year for Thanksgiving because I'm back in my house.

Yeah, there's going to be a lot of arguments today and it'll be a victory if, you know, if you don't get in one. Maybe you could be that person that keeps everybody out of it as everybody starts screaming and yelling, you know, you know, he's a fucking sex offender, blah, blah, blah. Well, she's a fucking dead. All that type of shit. Maybe in the background, like, hey, anybody try this pie? Just walk right in the middle of it.

Oh, man, I want to see a compilation of YouTube videos of the political fucking, I've almost said discourse. That's probably the wrong fucking word. Do you realize how many fucking words I know that I don't even know what the fuck they mean? I just know what words they go with. You know, discourse goes with political, political discourse. You know, you use the word ornate when you're in a theater.

I don't know what it means. I, you know, I remember, you know, I got a computer. I got a look at it. Hey, fair enough. I could look it up. I'm going to bore you guys with the shit. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Drowning in your love completely.

So deeply dear in the seas of blue and green at rabbit speed. Carrying me swiftly, up to the mountain, baby. Just don't forget to breathe out. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it is the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, November 23rd, listen to my voice. Does it sound tired? Does it sound sexy?

Um, I just got back from the Improv and Tempe, Arizona, and, uh, you know, what is that, my 11th fucking week on the road in the last couple of weeks? Well, it doesn't make sense mathematically. Whatever, I've been on the road a lot. My fucking voice is tired. So, uh, this is going to be my easy listening vibe for you this Monday. And, uh, I imagine some of you will complain, I liked it better when you were angrier.

Go fuck yourself. How about that? Is that angry enough for you? Okay, I don't really have the fucking energy to get as mad as I usually do, but just know, you know, that I'm thinking hateful thoughts towards you. All right? You fucking angry cunts. See, that's why you got to watch out who you surround yourself with,

is because when you actually make a positive step in your life, for example, uh, being less angry, they actually, they try to make it seem like it's a bad thing. Dude, you changed, man. You fucking changed. Look at you. You're smiling. You're happy.

You know? What are you doing? You know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting here on my fucking couch in the living room and it is my fucking couch. If I was on the sofa, I'd just say I was on the sofa. That's what I have in my living room. I have a sofa and I have a fucking couch. The fucking couch is fucking comfortable.

Hence its name. And I'm on it because I'm fucking tired. Um, let's try to hype my shit. Let's try to be smart with this podcast, uh, to begin with. Um, all right. I'm doing a stand up special by next hour long special of filth and silly faces, which might be the name. It'd be a good name.

Huh? Filth and silly faces. Um, maybe this, I don't fucking know. Listen to me. I'm exhausted. Fucking exhausted. All right. Uh, I'm going to be taping it at the Fillmore in San Francisco on December 17th.

I'm doing two shows. One at one time and one at another time. I don't have the information, but I do have the link right on my website. If you go on to billbird.com and you go down to, uh, you know, scroll down in the lower left hand corner and you will get to the link and it'll take you to live nation.com. Well, you'll see tickets for Julio, a Glacier's, um, fucking men at work. You know, what's the name of that other group? What's the name of that fucking group?

What was the name of the group? It was the name of the song and it was the name of the album and a lead singer killed himself. There's a trivia question. Do you remember it? Early eighties, big country. There was a band called big country. They had an album called big country and the name of their hit song was big country.

Needless to say, with a well of talent like that to pull from, I don't know how they only had one hit song. We're called cupcake. This is our song cupcake offer album cupcake. Fucking cupcake to the loo. And then that's it. I mean, what the fuck is wrong? You don't think about switching it up a little bit.

This actually isn't funny because the lead singer ended up killing himself. You know, the song should have been called continent. What was I thinking? Anyways, so if you go on, you go on the live nation.com. Let me see if I can even fucking do it. If I even can find tickets to my special, I'll go to billbird.com. Look at that. What a good looking guy.

All right. I'm going to click on the link and it takes me to live nation.com. Let me do this with you because so many of you fucking idiots are going to, I couldn't find it. I clicked on the link and it didn't do everything for me. I don't know what to do. You know, that's like, that's like those douchebags you see on YouTube. By the way, you can learn how to play drums, guitar, a fucking sit tar, whatever you want

to learn right on YouTube. Somebody is going to show you how to play, you know, a didgeridoo. So these fucking guys get on there and they show you exactly, they slow it down, they show you how to play it and people still ask for tabs. Great video, but do you have any tabs? Why don't you just ask the guy to fucking go over there and put your fingers on the fret board for you, you lazy fuck. Oh, there's Lampinelli.

They got a nice picture of Lisa Lampinelli on there. Let's see if my picture comes up. No, goes right to fucking you too. Okay. And some guy with a cowboy hat named Brad Paisley on his American Saturday night tour. All right. Let's see if there's some sort of search here. All right.

Let's go to the B's. Blue Rodeo, Bob Dylan, Boys Like Girls, Brand New, Brandy Carlisle, Brian Regan, and no me. Well, that's good. I'm glad I fucking did this. How do we do this? On sale now. Top 10 tours.

I know that's not going to be me. Top 10 venues. The Fillmore. Bam. That's what you do. All right. And then you scroll down. You'll see top 10 venues.

You click on the Fillmore. And then you wait for your slow computer. All right. Live Nation at the Fillmore. And then you scroll down. Let's see who's going to be playing there. The Black Crows. Low Slowbos.

Bill Burr. Right there. So that's what you do. All right. So I don't need any fucking emails from you whiny bitches about how you can't find fucking games because I just did it in real time. All right. So anyways, as I said, I'm sitting on my fucking couch here and I'm actually watching a replay

of the Bruins Sabers game. I don't know who wins. Don't fucking tell me. That's what I do. I tape all the hockey games and I come back like a fucking scout and I watch like seven games. I already watched when the Bruins beat the Atlanta Thrasher's and I got to tell you something. They got a great fucking team and I don't know why they have an NHL team in Atlanta

because you should have seen the amount of, it looked like a fucking AA meeting. That's how many people were there for the fucking Thrasher's game, you know? And they got Ilya Kovalchuk and a couple other fucking guys with names like they should be working the Russian border, but they're fucking great players. But I don't understand. Why did they put, what the fuck is wrong with the NHL? Why did they put another team in Atlanta? You know, I don't understand cities that fail in a sport and then get another opportunity.

You know, I'm one of the few people that understands why Los Angeles doesn't have an NFL team. Well, let's see. You had two of them and they both left. You know, right there. I mean, granted, I don't know why the fuck they left, typical me. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But all I know is you don't put fucking hockey in Atlanta.

All right. If the fact that the original Atlanta Flames left 30 years ago, if that wasn't enough of a tip, why don't you listen to Parliament and they'll let you know that it's a chocolate city. You know, who the fuck is from Atlanta? Little Wayne. You got everyone from like Little Wayne to like R.E.M. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say Michael Stipe, he doesn't

strike me as a fucking hockey fan. You know, the fuck is wrong with you. So anyways, I'm watching the game. There's like 30 people in the crowd. There's no fucking energy whatsoever. But now I'm watching the Bruins Sabers and I always, never the Bruins play the Sabers. I have to listen to the Sabers announcer. I don't know what the fucking guy's name is, but I swear to God, he could make, he could

make watching somebody sit waiting for a bus sound exciting. He's one of the best guys in the league. So I always watch that fucking guys. That's what I'm doing. Was that boring? I hope it was because I'm fucking tired. I'm really cunty this week. Why am I being an asshole?

It's Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has come up. It's coming up. Let me, let me switch the tone here. You know, people, this is a week when everyone, all Americans should sit down, don't change when those fucking douchebags get on TV, you know, with their ear muffs and their little fucking NBC gloves. Their fucking overcoats with the floats going by in the background.

They start telling you about why you should be so fucking thankful for your fucking miserable life. You know, you know, maybe if I was on network television, you know, with a cashmere coat that I didn't have to fucking pay for, I could enjoy my turkey a little more this year. You know, you know what? All Americans shouldn't be given thanks right now. They should be sitting around going, what the fuck happened? For whatever reason, everything from the bankers to that fucking toad who dropped you

out of nowhere, supposed to sit there happy in your catatonic state with cranberry sauce dripping down your fucking chin. You know, I can't, that's, you know, this is such a great fucking holiday if you don't listen to anybody, you know, you don't have to buy any gifts. And by the way, Wednesday of this week, for all you drunks out there, I know you know this information, but just bear with me. For all you amateur drinkers out there. This is the best, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the best night of drinking all year hands

down. All right. It's not New Year's, you know, when all those fucking idiots go out with their silly hats and those noise makers, why anyone goes out that night is fucking beyond me unless you're out there telling jokes, trying to make money, which I understand, all right. That night and St. Patrick's Day and everybody's got their green plastic hats and they're singing those stupid fucking side of green alligator and along that goose. Why we're all eating corned beef sandwiches.

Let me ask you this. During the course of the fucking year, the amount of times you go out to eat and grab a sandwich, do you ever order a corned beef sandwich? You don't. Of course you don't. Does anybody even know what animal that comes from? Cause I don't. Corned beef is that, uh, that's cattle, right?

Beef, pork is a pig. I don't fucking know, you know, you know, as I was riffing about this week and I'll actually talk about it here in the podcast, cause I don't give a fuck about burning this joke just cause it's a topical joke. Why did they stop calling it the swine flu? Huh? Did all the farmers complain? We ain't going to be able to sell no fucking pigs.

You keep calling it the swine flu. You want, you want bacon up to your fucking eyeballs and every fucking pig warehouse out there. You know? And don't even act like a don't affect you cause the government's going to have to buy it back. So why don't you come up with a new fucking name for it? H1N1 is not the name of a fucking plague.

The black death. That's the name of a plague. All right. You know, let me fucking look that up. That's what's pissing me off here is we finally got a plague, you know, something that I've been praying for for a long fucking time. Imagine if I ended up getting it, they'd play this at my funeral. Well, you know, he died the way he wanted to die.

I mean, the guy was into the fucking swine flu. Let me, let me, let me search here. Great plagues. There's no way I'm not on some FBI fucking watch list after this goddamn search. How the fuck do you spell plague? I know it's not that way. PLAGUE. Great plagues.

Did you mean? After you fucking spell it wrong and then Google's like, did you mean this? You fucking moron? Of course I did. All right. I guess there was one called the great plague. What do I need to search? Awesome plagues?

Plagues. How would I just search plagues? All right. This is a long fucking way to go. Just tell you why that they should still call it the fucking swine flu. The 10 plagues of Egypt. Jesus Christ. I wonder the fucking skinny over there, huh?

Time you turn around them. That's a great way to lose weight. 10 plagues in a row. Even if you survive it, right? There's no way you're going to be more than a buck 40. Are Egyptians skinny? I don't even know what they are. The only Egyptian I know is Anwar Sadat.

Right? The 10 plagues. Who gives a fuck? All right. Wait. The plague of lice, the plague of flies. What is this? Some biblical shit?

I fucking give up. You know what I'm saying? The swine flu. That's a great name. Well, think about it. If you could just put yourself 100 years in history, if you look back and they talk about, you know, when we're old, we talk about it, you know? Everything was going great.

And then in 2009, the swine flu came. Gee, gee, grandpa, where did the swine flu come from? I'll tell you where it came from. And they're fucking, they're fucking pig. Have you guys noticed that all the new diseases, there's never any sort of scientific explanation of where they come from. So all you can do is go down to your local bar and listen to people hypothesize. I don't know if you've noticed, but anytime you go into a bar, if you ask where a disease came from,

that's the answer you always get. Somebody from another country had sex with an animal and now we're all going to die. Ever since AIDS, remember that? Dude, I'll tell you what happened. Somebody fucking blew a monkey and then they fucked the stewardess and there you go. You know, you always have to have some sort of nationalism in it. You know, dude, you don't see anybody fucking pigs in this country, right? That's why we need to close the borders.

Fuck, I think the swine flu would be great. It'd be a nice cleansing. A nice cleansing. Get rid of a bunch of, you know, you're not going to die of it. Just take some vitamins, put on a sweater, you'll be fine. It's just going to kill the weak. And that's what needs to happen. If you notice every other animal, all the strong survive, all the weak die.

And that's why there's no traffic in the squirrel community. Have you ever just seen just a fucking highway's worth of squirrels, you know, peeking over each other's shoulders, trying to figure out what the fuck is going on up front? Is they're all waiting to try to get some fucking nut or whatever the fuck they eat, you know? You don't. You know why? Because the weak don't survive. And the problem is we have medicine and we keep saving people.

And that's why you can't get an empty row on a plane anymore. Because seated next to you are two fucking people who should have died 30 fucking years ago. You know, and if you don't believe me, watch them try to get their oversized bag into the fucking overhead compartment and watch how their brain works. As you're sitting there visually seeing, why doesn't he just turn it sideways? If he has it going that way, there's no way the door can close. I can't believe he just tried to close the door again. Are you a fucking moron?

Then I like when they're sitting there with the suitcase, which I don't know if you've noticed, is a solid object, okay? And it's in the shape that it's in. You can't push it in further like it's a fucking beanbag, and it's going to take the shape of the compartment like it's some sort of water-based thing. All right? Jesus Christ, Cleo! Oh my God, my fucking dog just farted really bad.

Really? Are you just going to lay there? That's, you know, that's what kills me. It's not that my dog farts, it's the complete lack of guilt on her face. She just doesn't give a shit. Evidently, that causes a lot of stress, doesn't it? Holding farts in or whatever, some sort of methane gas. I can tell you right now, there's not a fucking ounce in my dog. Cleo!

Why? I bought you that nice big bed, I bought my dog this fucking insane bed. It cost me like 200 bucks, you know? And I, you know, who spends 200 bucks on a bed? I'll tell you, a fucking dog owner does, because that's how much you love your dog, right? And I swear to God, I've gotten this thing there, and it literally, it loves this bed so much.

You know what it looks like when it's, it's how hard this fucking dog sleeps on the bed. You guys watch pro football, you ever notice when somebody gets knocked out? For some reason, when a wide receiver gets knocked out, this always ends up happening. Their legs always end up crossed, and then they got that one arm, like, is like stuck up in the air.

You know, like they were right in the middle of making a point. Like they were pontificating, if anybody, you ever notice that? That's how she fucking sleeps. Her back legs get crossed, and one of her, and she lays on her back, and one of her paws is up in the air, like she just got drilled by fucking Ray Lewis. Um, anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Now I'm interested in this 10 plagues of Egypt.

This has to be some sort of biblical shit, right? That they're still fighting about today, that makes them want to kill Jews in Egypt, on Egypt, in Israel. There's nothing they always end up arguing about. Um, I say you let them fight it out. That's my solution to the Middle East, you know? Why don't we just pull up stakes and let them have at it? You know, you want to fucking kill each other?

Go ahead. It's great for the environment. You know? Sort of a man-made plague. Alright, that's what I do the week of Thanksgiving. I say, oh, I'm pro-war. Um, alright, let's talk about football. I got a lot of shit last week from people who are fans of, um, Peyton Manning for talking about what a crybaby that crybaby is,

and then a lot of points that people brought up for some reason. I can't fucking find them. I don't know where the hell they are. But I'll basically paraphrase it. They're like, oh my God, you're going to give Peyton Manning shit and you can say Brady's not a crybaby? What about that time earlier this year when he turned around and asked for a flag and got the call?

What do you mean? That's your example of Brady being a crybaby? Because he got hit and he turned around and asked for a fucking flag? What, you mean like every wide receiver when they don't catch a ball, every fucking play in the NFL, every fucking guy gets up, bitch, and looking for a flag. He got the flag the same way Michael Jordan is allowed to push off people and doesn't get called for a foul,

because he's one of the stars in the fucking league. Alright? Another point somebody tried to make, they're talking about, oh, the roughing, the passer, the Tom Brady rule. Tom Brady did not fucking campaign for that rule. He didn't. That was a fucking NFL rule where they're like, wait a minute, if our pretty boy quarterbacks aren't playing, the viewership goes down

and we make less money. That was a business decision. Tom Brady didn't campaign for that fucking rule, which brings me back to the crybaby Peyton Manning who lost a playoff game to the Patriots and fucking cried at the end of the fucking game, and then he and his coach Tony Dungey made a fucking, a tape, a game tape, sent it to the league,

they cried some more at the fucking Pro Bowl two weeks later, a week after the Patriots won another title, they're fucking crying again about it, and then he cried about it at the draft. That's why he's a fucking baby, and I forgot to bring up the fact when he didn't win the Heisman Trophy, that's on fucking YouTube. I believe Ricky Williams won it that year,

and when he didn't win it, the look of entitlement, oh my god, would you professional quarterback, I was bred for this, that fucking look on his face, he's a fucking baby. Tom Brady has never lost a game and then thrown his teammates under the bus. Peyton Manning has. How many fucking more examples do you need?

All right, you jackasses, with your fucking surrogate fucking team out there, it's the Baltimore Colts, by the way, all right? Or Colts. When I say Baltimore Colts, I don't fucking know, fuck all you guys, you just fucking hate the Patriots because we fucking win. And what did I say? Did I not say that the Patriots were gonna fucking kill the Jets,

which we did yesterday, other than that little brief hiccup? Hiccup. 31-14, all right? And I called that Rex Ryan shit, too. I've been saying it since the third week. Rex Ryan, that poor bastard, the guy's out of his fucking mind. He's gonna make a half-hearted attempt at his life this week. My prediction is he's gonna break his tailbone,

trying to hang himself. And yes, that is a fat joke, all right? I think I already did this on the podcast, the psychological breakdown of Rex Ryan. This is when I knew that guy was out of his mind, okay? When he first said when the Patriots were gonna play him, and he was like, you know, I'm not here to kiss their rings, I thought it was funny.

I'm like, I like this guy, you know, even though he's a coach of the Jets, he's talking shit. But then there was that week when a player from another team said something derogatory about him, and he actually responded to it, a head coach responding to some player on another team. And he's trying to act all cocky and confident. And there was something about his smile I saw in his face.

I'm like, this guy fucking cries himself to sleep every night with a pint of fucking ice cream. You know? This is what I think happened, all right? His dad buddy Ryan, one of the great defensive coaches, came up with the 40-60 defense, you know? Won a Super Bowl. I'll tell you, doing something like that,

you don't have time to raise your kid, and you don't have time to be there for him. So all this shit talking fucking Rex Ryan does. All the shit he's saying is the shit he wished his dad said to him when he was a kid, so he could have built up some sort of confidence. But he didn't. He wasn't around. So the combination of still looking for his dad's fucking approval and living in the shadow of a man who created the 46 fucking defense

has caused this guy to be an insecure shit-talking psychopath. And I think in his head, he knows that he can coach at the professional level. But the fucking deafening voice of doubt that fucking is in that guy's head, I'm telling you, that's why he overeats. He's one of those guys, you know? When that voice in his head is going, Rex, what are you doing coaching at the professional level? You're not as good as your dad.

They're gonna find out you're gonna get fired. You'll never coach again. You're gonna have to move home with your fucking parents. They're gonna kick you out. You're gonna be homeless. You're gonna be fucking homeless. Yeah. That's why he eats all that ice cream. He gives himself that fucking ice cream headache,

and that's all you can focus on, you know? And then he takes a couple of Tylenol PMs, and then he goes to sleep. And the next day, he wakes up with all that dairy product rolling around in his fucking intestines, and he's hungover from all the Tylenol PMs, and then he does a press conference. He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.

He's like one of those wrestlers, you know? He's got the sickness. He's like Jake the Snake if he was fat. Hey, you know what's speaking of which? Somebody asked me a question this week. They said, Bill, you always drop references to wrestling on your podcast and during your appearances.

The Ric Flair mentioned suplexing a girl. You said that during your stand-up special. So are you actually a fan, or were you a fan back when you were a kid? I don't think I know one adult in real life who watches wrestling, and I don't blame him because a lot of the time it's corny, and it's corny as hell, but I'm still a fan, and it's just one of those things I never grew out of.

And if you're a fan, who is your all-time favorite? All right, your first guess was correct. I was a huge fan when I was a kid, but Ric Flair, I have to admit, I got into Ric Flair because of one of the listeners here when he brought up the Flair chop, and I started watching Ric Flair, and I realized what a fucking genius he was.

So I watched the WWF when I grew up. So Ric Flair was in something else, I think with the Vaughn Erickson. I kind of used to watch that, but I watched WWF. And when I first started watching, Bob Backlin was the champion, and I want to say Bruno Semartino might have been. Ted DiBiase was the Intercontinental Champion until Pat Patterson took that foreign object out of his trunks,

smashed him in the face with it, and somehow the ref didn't see it. Then Pat Patterson became the Intercontinental Champion. And listen to me, I sound like the fucking Rain Man, as I always do when I try to remember this shit. The tag team champion was Tony Garia and Larry Zabisco. And who the fuck else? Ivan Putski, Polish Power, Bulldog Brower,

Mr. Fuji, Mr. Saedo, the Moondogs. Remember the fucking Moondogs? Those three fat hillbillies with their overalls. And the one wouldn't be laying on the floor with the dog bone. And I was scared shitless of them. You know what used to scare me was George the Animal Steel. When he came out with the green tongue and he'd be eating the belt buckle. I thought it was fucking real.

His fucking hairy back, killer con the way he used to scream, that big Mongolian son of a bitch. Used to scare the shit out of me. You know, then I realized like George the Animal Steel was like a fucking substitute teacher out of Detroit. And it just kind of all fell apart. So then I, you know, I watched it right through Mr. Wonderful, Rowdy, Roddy Piper, Jesse the Body Ventura,

when he used to call Tito Santana, used to call him Chico Santana. I don't care about no Chico Santana. I used to watch back then. And then I briefly ten years ago I got back into it because I was roommates with Robert Kelly. And he started watching The Rock and Stone Cold, Steve Austin. I got into it briefly during then, but I used to mainly watch just the shit talking on the mic,

but it hasn't been good for a while. So there you go. There's my long drawn out question, fucking answer to your question there. All right, let's get on with the podcast here. Oh, wait a minute, I have to hype one other thing. I'm really all over the place as opposed to the usual. I'm more so all over the place.

I have a new website out there. It's called uninformedradio.com, and that's a radio show I deal with Joe DeRosa and myself, uninformed, no reading, no research, just strong opinions. It's our radio show. We are unable to get it onto iTunes because we're not going through some big conglomerate. So we're just going to be putting them up for free.

You can listen for free, and eventually you'll be able to download them for a buck of whack. So there you go. That'll be your options. If you don't want to pay, you can just sit there and listen to it at your computer. But if you want to take it on your iPod and become the hit of the next party you go to,

just in case you go to a party and they don't have a fucking computer, you can download it. You can download it for a buck. So we're going to be trying to get that up as quickly as possible. And that's it. So anyways, I've really been all over the place. You know what I did last week?

No, Bill, what the fuck did you do? I went and I saw the best rock show I've seen in a long time. I went to go see those crooked vultures. What the fuck? I kept calling them crooked buzzards. Them crooked vultures I went to go see, which is, I guess it's a super group. It's got John Paul Jones from Led Zeppelin,

David Grohl on drums, and I don't know how to say the lead singer's name because I've never heard anybody say it. Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age and Eagles of Death Metal. I've been listening to all those bands for years just because I've been a big fan of Dave Grohl's drum and so whenever he would go, you know,

do like killing joke or being Queens of the Stone Age, I got into those guys. So anyways, I went to go see the show and I bought their new album. They were actually selling it on vinyl, so I had to get it so I could seem cool in my next party. And if you get a chance, I mean, their whole album is up on YouTube.

So listen to it. If you like it, don't be a cunt. Go out and go buy it and then go see them on tour, man. They were fucking unreal. And Dave Grohl might be the best live rock drummer I've ever seen. The guy, he's just fucking unreal. The guy was the shit.

And I don't know, man, I felt like I was like a fucking kid watching that where you know, when you watch a great band and you just wish you were up there doing it and then as you're driving home, you start thinking all the cool stuff that happened and then you're actually fantasizing that it was you that did it. Like that's how fucking good the,

that's how I was just fucking awesome. They're just a fucking killer band and that's all I've been doing is listening to their shit. So if you get a chance, definitely go check those guys out. Or if you want to see the show that I went to, it's already up on fucking YouTube or everything,

just search them crooked vultures, Wiltern, W-I-L-T-E-R-N, and then Los Angeles and you'll get to see the fucking the show I saw. You know, I haven't, I've been fucking sitting here. I got the goddamn game on mute here. Who's winning? Is it still one to one?

And finally, we'll take it. We're out of game space yet. Am I allowed to do that or am I in some sort of copyright infringement here? Oh, it's one to one, the third period. Buffalo's got a fucking great goaltender. Sons of bitches. You know something I wouldn't mind seeing Buffalo win it?

Poor bastards. You know, you got fucked in 99. When else did you go to the finals? Did you go to the finals in the 70s? Or was that St. Louis? Did you lose to the Flyers? I don't fucking know, no one gives a shit, Bill. All right, let's plow ahead here.

Last week, I did the answer to the the women thing, why is it never enough? And that created an absolute shitstorm. And basically misogynistic trashing of women. So, let's continue it. No, I'm kidding.

We're going to try to balance it out here. I actually, I took one, two comments from women, one supporting what was said last week and another one who just really brought up the point that should have been made from the beginning. So, let me read the first one, all right? First off, Bill, love the podcast.

Especially this week, I've rarely heard someone so succinctly describe what is wrong with the predominant attitudes of women, even men, today. You know what most women really want from men? It's not material, nor is it being spontaneous. It runs deeper than that.

Women want sacrifice. Did I read this last week? I can't even fucking remember. Maybe I did. I'm losing my mind. Women want sacrifice. Most women will tell you your dreams are selfish if they don't revolve around them and that real love is compromise and commitment.

They want you to drop I'm just trying to remember. Did I already read this? Ah, fuck it. I'm going to plow ahead. They want you to drop your hopes and dreams. It's the moment you give up. I emphasize that because once that moment is past and you have nothing left to sacrifice, you become that 30 to 40 year old loser

that they will leave. To the guy who asked why is it never enough, it isn't until you've given up everything that is important to you, this is what love is for most women. It's not even that they are selfish, but precisely the opposite. It's the complete other lack of self.

I think I already read this, didn't I? The nature of love is not that it's the opposite. Love is only possible between two complete or independent individuals who do not require sacrifice from one another. Real selfish people do not need approval or love from others.

They simply would not give a fuck. I don't know if I agree with that. What you're basically saying is you need a significant part of your life. It's not two overlapping circles. It's two intersecting circles. It's basically what it is.

What you're not is your own fucking life that you're allowed to lead. I know. That was a bunch of generalizations, but that's what we do here. This lady here just basically sums up the whole thing. She says, Bill, late you've been talking about men

who have been doing all these nice things for women and the women have been complaining about it like selfish cunts. My response is this, men need to stop allowing women to get away with anything they fucking want. All men into whiny bitches. All these guys have been whining

about the way these girls react when they do something they think is nice. What these guys really need to do is stand up for themselves and tell these chicks they have two options. Say thank you or I don't get number two. It says try to be nice and let him complain about it.

I don't know what that means. These guys are writing to you instead of confronting these women so the women aren't even aware that their behavior needs to change. They are only making it worse. Exactly. That's really the truth of all of this shit, you know?

I mean, I actually ran into the guy when I was in Tempe who wrote that letter of why isn't it enough. I met his girl. She was a sweetheart and everything. It just kind of, it just was a great question to ask that set off a lot of fucking frustration

and yeah, the reality is what this woman wrote here is that 100% true is that you really shouldn't be writing me bitching about it. You should be talking to your woman. But, you know, some of it is,

you know, people just want an event and then there's other times people are in fucked up situations and by fucked up situations I mean they're married. So I think what a lot of guys learn quickly is when they get married is now that they're legally bound to someone

and if they break up with them they lose half their shit it becomes it's not a balanced situation. You know? Well, I shouldn't just put that on guys but it's whoever has more whoever brought more into the relationship

when you get married you're fucked because you stand to lose more which weakens your arguing position. What you have to do is get to that zen place where you don't give a fuck about materialistic goods and then you can really go off on whoever the fuck you're with.

But the reality is, you know, same thing like when you see, like, you know the big thing when I first started doing comedy is I used to always see female comics would go on stage and they'd be joking about how guys don't know what they're doing in bed. They'd be like, oh my god they have no idea where it is or what to do

blah blah blah blah, you know which I understand the frustration of that but it's like, so, you know oh wait, Sam Kinnison did the bit, just tell us tell us what to do, we'll fucking do it I think that's what a lot of complaining is God knows a lot of my complaining is

well why don't you just walk up to the person or thing that you're bitching about and tell them how you feel and just take out all the fucks and the insulting the insults I don't know, you know what this podcast fucking sucks, I'm gonna call it out before you guys this podcast is just sucked

this week, alright I'm all over the fucking place, I'm fucking exhausted it's a goddamn holiday week how hard are you working this week you know hasn't somebody come in and brought a pie in somebody's wearing an awful brown and orange Thanksgiving sweater

you know, maybe it's your manager to show that he has a human side you know, it's not the worst when you hate your fucking boss and then around the holidays all of a sudden he just lets up a little bit and tries to act nice you know or it's a female, she gets a little bit nicer

you know, and the whole time she's sitting there wishing you a happy Thanksgiving, you just want to fucking kick her right in the box you know, but you can't you fucking can't all that was said what the fuck is it it's one to one, 15 minutes

left in the third period you know one of the hardest things to do I think is to be an answer for hockey now that they've taken out the red line in the game you break your neck sitting there watching the fucking game that's why I like it watching it on TVs because I don't have to keep turning my head the camera moves for me

it does all the work I'm literally out of shit to say you know, I feel like right now this is how bad this podcast is when you bomb as a comedian this out works when shit is going great when everything you say is killing when you're on stage

basically what happens is you have 20 minutes of material and you look down at your watch and your watch says you've been up there for 55 minutes that's when you know that you're fucking killing and conversely when you're bombing you will do an hours worth of material

in 17 minutes and all you have left is your closing bit and you look down at your watch and you realize that you've been on stage for just under 20 minutes and you're like wow now what the fuck am I doing your mouth gets dry that's when you start going into the crowd

hey you know so what's there to do around here in Raleigh, North Carolina huh? look at this guy over here what do you do sir oh you're a plumber really

I bet your butt crack is always fucking kill me you know, you just fucked hey I've got a round of applause for the wait staff you know, keep it going for them you know, and I just want to thank all you guys for showing up, I know it's a recession and I appreciate

you know, how about I hand for the troops you know you know, whether you support going to war or not you know, these kids are out there they're laying down their lives they're away from their families and thanks giving's this week I think we should all sit back and give thanks

and be appreciative that I've already done an hours worth of fucking jokes my cunts haven't left in anything so now I'm technically in overtime even though contractually I owe you like another 40 minutes of fucking comedy you know

and let's not forget all the people who have died in boating accidents this year you know, a lot of people don't know that boating accidents is one of the leading causes of death when human beings are out in the ocean and you start remembering jokes

from the early part of your act and you start telling them you know you know, I did a study the other day they said, you know 90% of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water no shit, that's where the people are

it's called the fucking beach oh one of the people swimming to Europe let's go to France you pussies that's a joke that's a joke from my act in 2001 I'm gonna do fucking old jokes from my act what else did I used to fucking do

I already did one of my original jokes, you guys see these rap group Kris Kross warm it up Kris warm it up Kris, hey go to bed Kris what do you like, 9 years old oh oh my god I had

horrible jokes about working in a dental office hey people I got news for you 6 years neglect is not cured by a tic-tac in the waiting room hey you guys ready for your next act too bad, I still got another 30 minutes to do

ladies back me up guys are crazy right I mean you know we don't give a shit that's gonna need to searching for shit to say whatever but I'm it's great to be here in Raleigh

you know what I mean it's got you know you come out here to Raleigh you know they got uh they got a mall alright folks I'm like a laddie I'm out of jokes, I wish you could just do that just fucking become honest I'm out of fucking material, I don't know what the fuck you guys want from me

come on tic-tic-tic-tic-tic alright 41 minutes does that qualify as a podcast oh actually you know I forgot one story I was supposed to read here I think I got another question this will fill up some time as I scroll down

what's up with scrolling isn't that when you undo a fucking piece of paper with some old writing on it alright unacceptable here you go here's a classic example where somebody should just have used the phrase unacceptable and I really want to go into this bar where this guy went this is a classic fuck over

so Bill I show up to this local sports bar at 11pm the night before my birthday by myself well dude that's your fucking fault you know I don't know what your problem is stop lashing out at the people around you right now look at me I'm taking it out on you because I'm out of material here

or whatever the fuck it is I've lost my stream of consciousness still one to one by the way with 12 minutes and 32 seconds to go um hey if anybody knows the name of the announcer I'd love to know the guy's name I mean I guess I could google it but I know when I do

there's gonna be like fucking 58 you know buffalo sabers dot net backslash org and I don't want to go through that shit alright so anyways Bill I show up to a local sports bar at 11pm the night before my birthday by myself alright he goes the bartender asked for my ID

I give it to her she hands it back and asks me what I would like now I'm not looking for comments but you would you would think the bartender would be aware of the date and time and have some snide remark about hanging out by myself um

this close to my birthday well I think she's just trying to see or he's trying to see if you're of age or not right I don't fucking know anyways I'm not upset I'm just expecting a stupid comment so I ask her what the specials are she tells me that the

large domestics are three bucks and well drinks are two bucks I see they have blue moon on tap I'm not a huge fan but it's 22 ounces of beer for three bucks I'll suck it up I order she says okay and serves it fast forward to the bill

it seems a tad high and I see I was charged 450 for each of the three beers I ask about the bill and she said oh only domestics are three dollars my reply was blue moon is a domestic beer it's made in America and she says no domestics are

bud, miller, and cores now wait a minute I thought blue moon wasn't that made in fucking Belgium now I gotta fucking look it up before I take your side here because I really want to be blue moon alright blue moon brewing company

alright here we go let's see what we got here oh Jesus Christ it's a whole fucking website isn't blue moon it's not a Belgian beer date of birth enter I have to give you a valid date of birth to read about beer

are you fucking kidding me alright let's go to Wikipedia god knows that's fucking accurate right a blue moon is a full moon that's not what I want blue moon beer you fucking no one gives a shit about space actually I do my brother's really into space

and I learned the other day I thought something was the north star he's like that's not the north star it's Jupiter I go get the fuck out of here he goes yeah first of all he goes stars twinkle planets reflect light so ever since then I've been looking up at the sky

and I'm going that's a fucking planet I want to know what that is and I want to go buy a telescope but there's no way to buy a telescope without looking like a fucking pervert you know what I mean that's yet another thing that perverts have fucking ruined the same way gay guys have ruined cowboy boots cowboy hats

and foo man shoes you can't you know you can't wear any of that shit unless you're on a fucking ranch wrestling a fucking cow to the goddamn ground or else people think you're out there blowing someone um

alright blue moon beer let's see here blue moon beer is Molson Coors Brewing Company alright so he is fucking right good now I can side with you because I really want to go off this fucking dude is ordering a domestic beer she goes no domestics are Bud Miller and Coors

two things first why couldn't she mention that blue moon is not considered a domestic beer when I ordered but second let's look at the bigger picture I'm sure Bill you've run into this you're told domestics are on sale for happy hours so you order a Sam Adams at which point

you told Sam Adams isn't considered a domestic beer well actually um you may have thought yes Sam Adams was a domestic beer it was made by the blood of the American Patriots you dumb cunt I like this guy who made the decision

to call shitty beers domestic beer what kind of euphemism is that whenever this happens in the future I'm going to ask for a manager and tell them that not including all domestic beers with their domestic specials is unacceptable dude you should have fucking said that

unless this is actually made in a different country this brewing just bought it you guys want to hear about it blue moon is a Belgian style wheat beer brewed by the most in brewing company in golden colorado it's a fucking domestic beer

was launched in 1995 in Canada is marketed as a similar beer called Rickards white why do they not have blue moons up there is blue moon offensive and it's brewed in Montreal

black so some of it is brewed in another country is that there out well then it should be called Rickards white dude bottom line is you got fucked that's what they should say our cheap ass beers are three bucks

and anything with any sort of hops and flavor in it is going to be 450 that's the big outrage of the week this dude got fucked that's the end of my lackluster one you know what I mean I do one of these every fucking week I'm running out of stories to tell you

I already did that gay guy joke before I've already done the fucking I think I need to take a break just like the Foo Fighters you know when they sold out Wembley Stadium they sold it out twice and they were sitting around going what the fuck else can we do just like when the Beatles sold out Shea Stadium

or the police sold out Shea Stadium that's when you just realize well the only way to go now is to go down I think I've begun the backward slide I'm sliding down the backside of of the podcast and I was actually thinking about that how long am I going to do this podcast

you know Oprah's retiring she's calling it quits after 25 fucking years I mean I've basically done one episode every week for the past two and a half years or two years two months so 52 weeks a year that's 104 episodes

plus like another 20 maybe I'm up to 125 episodes alright back in the day if you did a sitcom you needed 100 episodes to go into syndication I'm in syndication right now so think about that shit I'm like if this was the Drew Carey show

I would be in like the seventh season you know when they've added the fat chick with the crazy makeup cause we're out of story ideas you know my question to you is how much longer should I do this when do I bow out gracefully and come out with a new

a new form of what do they call this shit on the internet viral do I take it to the next level and I do a video maybe I'll do a video podcast next and I'll have puppets alright I'll have the cunt

puppet right maybe sort of some twat shaped tortilla with red lips on it you know that can talk and whatever I'm just sort of brainstorming here and I fucking know puppets are creepy you know

you ever go back and watch Mr. Rogers and just see how creepy those fucking puppets are you know why cause their mouths didn't move King Friday hello lady McLean how are you my neighbors I don't much think I'm out of my fucking mind

I actually did it in the living room this week you know that's why I had the nice Carnegie Hall sort of acoustics in here oh my dog fucking walked out on me you know I really think my dog finds me annoying you know when I practice my guitar she has a habit of going

it gives me like a big fucking exhale and if I'm practicing anything up high like I was trying to learn how to play the beginning of rock we salute you which is way up on the neck of the guitar and I was trying to play it the way Angus plays it which is a combination of using a pick and plucking with two other fingers

so needless to say it sounded like somebody was choking a sparrow and my dog you know she sort of you know just lifted her head up and sort of looked at me and I laughed cause I knew I was bugging her and then I was so focused on trying to be able

to play this for some stupid fucking reason and when I came out of my fucking comatose state I looked and the dog had left I don't know what the point of that was the point was to somehow get to 50 minutes because if I don't do it for 50 minutes then I can't

continue to not get paid for this let's type my website billbird.com once again go there and fucking go to my show in Cleveland or go to my show at Sacramento the punchline is Sacramento

those are the next two weeks I have coming up or come on out and watch my live taping somebody asked me a question which one of the two shows are being taped that night are both of them being taped and if you tape both will you combine both and make one special

yes yes I will that's what happens you tape both of them that's just fucking awesome and I loved it wire to wire which I hope is gonna happen I'll just take that because I'm really big into you know not creating a performance

that didn't happen my CD is all one show why do I do this we only did we only taped one show so that's all one show my HBO special we did two and I forget which one joke is from the first

show and the rest was all from the second show so it's basically one performance and yeah so that's what I'm hoping for so yes if you're wondering yes both shows will be taped and

this is what you basically hope for what you do is you go out and you fucking rock on the first one so you're like alright I got a great special already and then you can just totally relax and fuck around on the second one you know kind of the way you get into like your head just in a club rather than doing a special

that's where you want to be and that's what I want to try to hope to do so that's it I need to rest my voice I hope everybody has a wonderful Thanksgiving I would have played a Thanksgiving song on my guitar but none of them exist there aren't any Thanksgiving songs

and I'd like to sing shit like that because there's always actually there is one the Lawrence Welk Orchestra did well nobody gives a fuck there's none there's no famous is there a famous one you know what this is the last thing I'm going to google this week

let me see if I can find a fucking Thanksgiving song you know what we used to do for Thanksgiving me and my family we uh the family that I was part of it really wasn't my family um we used to fucking we decided we were going to play football one year

and became a tradition we would play football and it was great it divided the family in half and it would always be sleeting and raining and uh we would end up getting to huge fights like fuck you fuck you fist fights and uh

it was really bizarre and then we'd sit down we all be fucking soaking wet you know grass stains and uh but the food was great you know still one of my favorite holidays Thanksgiving music

get the fuck out of here Thanksgiving songs they actually have Thanksgiving music you fucking kidding me the fuck out of here now you don't you know what this is this is a classic thing when you go to search something and it's just music shit just came up

there's no thanks let me go to fucking the evil that is iTunes this is the last thing I'm going to do you don't have to listen to this this is all for me right now I'm just checking this out for me alright let's see iTunes let's click on that you know it really is time to end this fucking show

when you guys listen to me just fucking googling alright here we go here Thanksgiving music Susan Boyle does she do Thanksgiving music the Thanksgiving waltz the harvest home

come ye thankful a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving let's listen to that let's have a listen to that am I the only person who finds Charlie Brown music unbelievably depressing get off the black keys you cunt

I'm trying to be happy Jesus Christ with the minors is that minor chords in there minors are sad right majors are happy somebody's taking guitar lessons actually I'm not what is that

fucking we're out of potatoes I I wish I knew about classical music I could have made that funny this is where we're out of potatoes the fifth movement whatever the fuck they say this is the harvest home

is that the same I hate that fucking inbred music that bluegrass shit he's come ye thankful you there you go that's come ye thankful people enjoy Thanksgiving

don't have sex you're all going to hell that was the name of that song alright I guess there is Thanksgiving music who gives a fuck alright everybody have a great Thanksgiving it's still one to one as far as I know there you go brings it into the zone

yeah Lucic is back how about a score there we go 441 left one to one anestopager play anestopager the podcast alright everybody happy Thanksgiving

and I'll talk to you next week how about how about let's start to take it up again let's start making love again let's start like it never

ends let's start let's start let's start to take it up again let's start making love again 01:52:20,440 --> 01:52:22,440 like it never

ends let's start let's start let's start take it up again let's start making love again let's start making love again

let's start let's start let's start to take it up again let's start back in love again let's start let's get up again

let's start let's start taking it up again let's start back in love again let's start making love again let's start

let's start to take it up again let's start making love again let's start just like it never ends warm things up this spring with a trip to cerilas

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