Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-23-18

Episode Date: November 24, 2018

Bill rambles about Thanksgiving, the new NFL, and visiting remote islands.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, Jesus, that took a lot of energy right there. You probably like, Bill, geez, you sounded so fucking old the past couple of weeks, kid. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Old Freckles is off the road. Yes. The old fucking cunt. He ain't what he used to be. Ain't what he used to be. Ain't going to LAX. I love it. I ain't doing fucking shit. So fucking call me. I'll tell you what, if I had the fuck, if we weren't in a never ending 17 fucking wars right now, and they weren't fucking taking such a giant fucking, I literally give these cunts more

than I make, and I did the fucking job. Uncle Sam going on stage telling any fucking jokes. He's like a fucking character comic. That's what he would be. This big stupid fucking hack, you know, going up there. So he's on a fucking unicycle. I want you. I want you to go fuck yourself. How about that, Sammy? How about I get to keep just a little, just how about a cunt hair more? Sorry. Anyways, what am I thankful for this weekend? I'll tell you right now, dude, if there was if there was a fucking way that I could figure out, if I could figure out how to get off the fucking hamster wheel, you know, because the deal is it's like you keep running, or we're just going to tax the shit out of you. You want to put your fucking money on the crap

table will give you a little break. You know, but if you like the second you start slowing down, you know, the government's just like, wait, does this motherfucker think he's going to retire? He's just going to coast. You're going to get in that fucking car when you're going to work, you fucking piece of shit, and you're going to fucking work, and then we're going to take more than you fucking make. You fucking like that. Hey, smart enough. That's what they should do. Just come in like that fucking guy there in casino smart enough. Might take your head and I stick it through that fucking hole. That's basically their vibe. So anyways, I figured out how to retire. I saw it today. And I was walking out of the grocery store. So this guy had a Ford F 150

with the camper on the back. And I'm like, that's it right there. They'll let you do that. You don't want to work, then you got to live like that. I read your cunt and we're still going to give you tickets. And eventually we're going to tow your house away. Hey, if you are in that situation, if they show up, can you take the camper off the back and then they just take the truck? You know, you probably couldn't have been well, yeah, you can't keep your camper right here. You're going to have to move that and you fucking you're getting underneath it. Like those old school guys that put the refrigerators on their back and you got to fucking start trapezing down the street. You know, then you set it up. And then some douche with the house like me is just

like, um, have you seen the guy down the street with the camper? I don't want that in my neighborhood. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I really enjoy time off. Been having a great time just hanging with my daughter, hanging with my wife through down yesterday, you know, all the relatives came over, everybody fucking ate, but old freckles, I didn't go too hard. Didn't go too hard. I stayed away from the desserts. You know, I did pretty good. Then this morning I woke up, I had my little parfait butter, right? I had the fucking, you know, little bit of Greek yogurt with the fruit in there, like the big fruit cake that I am. And then I had a little hummus wrap for lunch in between them having fruit with nuts. You know, it's holidays. They get me this year. Finally

figured it out after 50 fucking holidays. Finally figured it out. Oh, this is the problem. I gotta go easy. Gotta go easy this Thanksgiving weekend. All right. I had my Thanksgiving dinner. I had it, you know, around three in the afternoon. I was halfway through the plate and I was already leaning. Oh, it was good. Oh, it was delicious. And, you know, you put your plate together. I hate those fucking people. I can't have my food touched other food. You know, the only thing worse than the person saying that is the fucking meathead across the table. Why? It's just going to be mixed up in your stomach. Right? Both of those people should get in a car and drive off a cliff. No, come on, Bill. You should give thanks for both of them. Anyways, I don't give a fuck about that,

but I will say this. When you put together your Thanksgiving plate, this is how it has to, this is how I do it. All right. About four o'clock, you got your turkey. Okay, three o'clock, you got your potatoes. That way you can put the gravy on both. All right. And then at five o'clock, you know, you want your, let me move those all up an hour. I'd say five o'clock's the turkey. Four o'clock is the mashed potatoes. Six o'clock is your cranberry sauce, you know, gives it a little nice little sweet kick with the gravy and the turkey, get your potatoes in there. That's good. The fucking vegetable, you know, that somebody made that you just try to make them feel good. You know, yeah, that shit all goes up around 12 noon. That shit that you're going to be like, fuck,

I still got two more mouthfuls of that. All of that shit's up top that casserole thing that your fucking aunt makes, you know, make sure you get some cash flow. You're sitting there with your fucking itchy sweater, right? Then what do I got? What else is left? Then you get whatever's like the sweet shit I keep around, you know, that's around 11 o'clock. Somebody made some yams or something like that, sweet potatoes or some bullshit like that. You put that up there, and then you got your bread somewhere around 839 o'clock. You know what I mean? And then right in the middle, I don't know what else. That's some of the fucking thing. You just stick right in the middle. Oh, and then you just, you just, you eat it like the way you tune a snare drum.

And he drum is out there. If you know the whatever, there's a million different patterns, but that's basically the way you do it. And I want to just take some time here to say how bad I feel for people who don't live in the United States of America. So you don't have this holiday. But you can sit down and eat way more than your fucking chat. Oh, it's great. Thanksgiving is fucking awesome. And kids, you know why? Because then you got the Friday off to just lay around, you know, with your belly poking out of the bottom of your fucking sweater that you passed out in, you know, I actually, you know, I actually was had to like, I'm one of these lunatics, so I'm just like, I try to like make sure everything fucking gets on the table. It's all

hot. It's all ready to go. I finally realized this year, it's just like, there's just too many fucking people cooking. It's just going to come the way it goes or whatever. And then I realized anything that needs to be hot, you just put gravy on it's going to fucking heat it up again. And it was probably the best Thanksgiving I've had in years. But what's great is the Friday after the Friday after like today, you don't have to go to work hopefully, you know, you get to lounge around, you know, bleary eyed from whatever the fuck you did the night before. And then tomorrow you got all the college football games. What do we got? What do we got tomorrow? Come on, people, you got Michigan, Ohio State to kick off the day. You got Alabama versus Auburn, which is probably

not going to be a good game this year. But you know, who knows if Auburn wins that. I mean, Jesus Christ, they'd be going fucking nuts. I mean, tomorrow is the day you're not a man tomorrow, unless you're ignoring your family. Okay, that's the level of football. It's I'm kidding. But I got my kid, you heard my kiddo. She says it now she goes football, football. Now she wants now she wants it to be on the TV. I'm fucking, I'm staring her away from shows wants to see Minnie Mouse. She goes Mimi, Mao, Mimi, Mao, sounds like she's in Mimi, Mao, Mimi, Mao, like, what's that was that the deer hunter? Mao, Mao, right? Mimi, Mao, Mimi, Mao. No, Minnie Mouse went to sleep Mimi, Mao. Have I lost my mind? What the fuck am I talking about? I don't know. I have no idea. How

much time have I done eight minutes and 45 seconds? Jesus Christ, some days, you know, this podcast flies by and then other days, feels like I did eight hours and 45 minutes. Yeah, Michigan, Ohio State, Michigan, they got to get it done. I can't believe this is already the fifth fucking time. They've played Ohio State with Jim Harbaugh, unless I'm wrong. I have no idea. But it's going to be a great game. I like big 10 footballs, you know, it's old school football, you know, they actually run the fucking ball. I got to tell you, that's shit. And I don't want to be a grumpy old man here. That fucking game Monday night, Kansas City versus the Rams, the amount of people that were freaking out, that was the most unbelievable game I've ever seen.

That game was a shit show. That game remind me of the Super Bowl last year. And I think that that's basically the direction NFL football is going in, where there's just going to be no fucking defense. And my favorite thing about me saying there's no defense, the people, excuse me, there was three defensive scores. Yeah, that's just like, that's just like last year, last year in the Super Bowl, excuse me, there was a fumble that won the fucking game. It's like, the fucking Rams gave up almost 500 yards fucking passing. There was almost a thought in six touchdowns. The guy took six touchdowns and fucking 500 fucking yards, basically. There was a total like 10 passing touchdowns. It was over almost a thousand yards. I think they went over a thousand

yards combined. It was a fucking joke. And then everybody's saying to me like, Oh, Bill, you don't know what you're talking about. You just worried about your Patriots, which is hilarious. My Patriots had been thriving during this era. We haven't had a fucking defense since 2004. A lights out win the game 20 to 17 defense. We haven't. We've had to fucking score like 35 fucking points to win a goddamn game since forever. I'm just say like, if you're going to sit there and act like this is just me to Richard Sherman was tweeting about it. Another guy on the fucking Texans, even Teddy Bruce. Actually, I actually saved his. I did a screenshot of what he basically said the way the game is now. Richard Sherman was like, all they all they want to see is points.

Because what that does is that gets the casual fan and the people that don't understand football who said, don't fucking unbelievable. I mean, that's what to be honest with you. If soccer ever wanted to make it into America, they should be doing what the NFL has done to their game, which is just, I don't know what they just took. Think about it. Every era, right? There's been a Jack Lambert. Then there was a Lawrence Taylor. I'm just picking some of the guys that can I can off the top of my head. Ray Lewis, you know, Ronnie Lotz, Mike Haynes, Lester Hayes, fucking lunatic, you know, Andre tippets, just lights out Bruce Smiths. Like, where are those guys now? There's like maybe three of them and then not putting up the fucking stats those guys

used to put up. You know, they just, I don't know. They use Reavis Island. There's just not that guy anymore. They can't they can't like those guys wouldn't be that guy today. All right, they'll shut the fuck up. No, but I'm just, I'm just fucking saying, all right. All right, his, his, his Teddy Bruce, welcome to the new NFL. When it comes to defensive football, former linebacker, Teddy Bruce, he wrote on Twitter, offense will move the ball and score. That's it. They're going to move the ball and score. You can't do anything about it. He goes, make a handful of plays a game to take the ball away and get your offense a couple of extra possessions. Score on defense is an A plus. It hurts to write that. All right. So all you fantasy football playing fucking guy, if you're

going to fucking sit there and say, I'm wrong about this, then you're saying Teddy Bruce is wrong. I hate it. I hate it. I hate everything that they've done. I hate that there's no two line pass and hockey anymore. I hate that it's just these stretch passes up and down the fucking rink. Um, it's just everything's like, you know, and I think it's probably because like smartphones and everybody's fucking looking at all the videos that you need to sit there like a fucking, I don't know, a gerbil that forgot its jacket. I'm trying to think of some animal that shakes. I don't know, but don't, don't listen to me. I'm just saying, um, dude, that fucking my home's guy is a fucking star. All right. But you know, they both look like Dan Marino that night. Okay. And there's only one

fucking Dan Marino. That looked like Dan Marino versus fucking Dan Fouts way back in the day. And those two guys, I mean, I'm not saying they won't eventually be there, but like, I can't imagine what Marino and Dan Fouts would have done to those in today's era. You know, they threw for 400 yards a fucking game, 300, 400 yards of fucking game back when you could actually cover a receiver. Borderline beat the shit out of him as he's going down. You could fuck up a quarterback. You could sack a quarterback and then like, actually they'd lose yardage rather than the team with the court, the offense, you know, getting a first down because you tackled the guy too fucking hard. I don't like it. I don't like it. It's fucking sissy football. You know, it just,

you know, I get it. I get it. People get fucking hurt, but I don't know. Just listening to those fucking announces going, this is the highest score. And then not even addressing the level that the game has changed. Whatever, it's a fucking show. It's a goddamn show. And I'm an old man and I said what I said, I'm just going to go to like, I don't know, I'm going to fucking start watching rugby or something, something where the guy with the ball is going to get fucking tackled. I would love to do a podcast and interview some great defensive players and just see what they're thinking about this shit and how they think that they would do. It's changed that much. But like I said, there's always, you know, the older generation never likes the new, the new shit, but you got

guys now who literally are still playing in the league tweeting saying it's fucked up. So I want to think that I'm right. But whenever I talk like this, I always, there was that NFL films, if anybody can find the clip, please tweet it to me. There was this guy, you know, he was this old school, you know, middle linebacker or something like that. It's like back during the Sam Huff days. And they asked him, Hey, what do you think about some of the kids playing football today? And he just goes, Oh, you wouldn't watch your football game today if you fit. He almost fucking had a stroke. So maybe I'm doing that, but I just, baseball is still fucking baseball, man. So you got, you know, still got to fucking hit it over

the fence. They got rid of the Roids, I think, I don't know. But like the NBA, it's like nobody's allowed to stand underneath even on defense. You got to get the fuck out of there and just, I don't know. Guys go in, they start driving from the three point line. And people are just getting the fuck out of them. I love when the guy goes up to dunk and the guy thinks about blocking it. He's like, Oh, I don't end up on Instagram. And he tries to kind of duck out of the picture. And then the bench goes nuts and they're waving towels at an uncontested dunk. Am I done complaining? I think I am. I think I am. Hey, everybody, the seventh annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit tickets are going fast. Thank you guys. Thank you so much. The lineup. It's good.

Well, sorry, it's going to be Tuesday, February 19, 2019. It's 7pm at the city center theater, 131 West 55th Street, New York, New York, 1119. The lineup is Big J. O'Korson, Chris Red, Cipher Sounds, Gary Gullman, Jim Gaffigan, Michelle Wolf, Rich Voss, and yours truly with more names to be announced. We're waiting for people's availabilities and that type of stuff. Like, you know, obviously, comics working for free, giving up their free time. So people are trying to work it out with their schedules, but just an overwhelming response. Thank you guys so, so much. Like I said, it's the best thing that I do all year. It's been helping his family incredibly. So thank you so much for that. And with that, the old bald, the old bald

freckles. He ain't what he used to be. I miss a lights out defense. Huh? That's all I'm saying. Remember the fucking doomsday defense against the steel curtain? You know, the no name defense, the over the hill gang, the sack exchange, the 46 defense and how much fun was it to watch the fucking bears that year with Wilbur, Marshall, Gary Fensic, Mike Singletary, Richard Dent. I mean, they were, I mean, they were fucking unbelievable lights fucking out defense. I don't know why people don't like watching that. You know, a hype, a high powered offense against a great defense. Watch that chess mess instead of having just like fucking free for all. I felt like I was watching somebody play like one of those bar games. You know,

those people when they throw the basket, the basketball into the basket and those people get so good they can use either, either hand. That's the way they were fucking scoring. We get it Bill. All right. Helix everybody. You ever wake up in the morning with regrets of what you've done? Replaying the terrible decisions you made the previous night over and over and over. Is this my inner voice? The kicking, sweating, yelling or whatever else you did to piss everyone in the bedroom off. Well, guess what? But deciding to sleep on a shitty mattress is your choice. Buying, okay, but Bill, buying a mattress is so hard. Where would I begin? They're literally writing this for me. Well, you're in luck, buddy, because Helix sleep, the mattress I've been yelling

at you to buy for almost two years will change your life. Just go to helixsleep.com slash bird, take their two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to the perfect mattress. I can't even fucking, how big do I have to make the print? I'm one of those guys. I'm never getting glasses. I think glasses are for fucking weak people or people that are strong enough to admit that they have a problem. I don't know where I am on that side of the fence. I don't know if I'm a hero or if I'm a coward. It's like Tinder for finding a mattress. I just enlarge it. All the fun with none of the next morning regrets and misery. And right now you can get up to $125 off your mattress order at helixsleep.com slash bird. They have a 100 night trial, gross free shipping and won't send

you creepy next day texts. That's helixsleep.com slash bird for $125 off your mattress helixsleep.com H-E-L-I-X sleep.com slash bird. All right. I am not getting glasses. I'm just going to wait someday when there's an affordable robot. I'll just have that cunt fucking read for me. How vulnerable will I be? Did you see that? Because the thing will be fucking smarter than I am and then I also can't see how soon before that thing fucking brains me with something in the kitchen. Do you guys see that commercial? I think it's for Sprint. You know, where that guy who sold out used to be with Verizon, you know, and then they fired him and then he fucking, you know, he's like the Henry Hill of fucking wireless service. He fucking, you know, he jumps over with Sprint. So they're doing

this thing where this lady is going to take a picture and she's just talking about how clear it is and it's three people and a fucking robot for whatever reason. And the lady is so, the lady taking the picture is so fucking blown away by how clear the screen is. She just keeps commenting on it and she's not taking the picture and all the people are smiling going, okay, yeah, it's great, great. And somebody goes, I can't hold my smile much longer. And the other guy goes, I can't hold my smile either. And the robot goes, I can right there. You see everything that just fucking happened in that commercial. They made having a robot seem fucking normal to the point you're taking a family fucking photo with it in front of the Grand Canyon. Okay, and then the human beings are in their own

way are admitting that they're not, they're not as good as the robot. They're getting it in your fucking head that these things are just normal and they should be in your fucking life and that you're not worthy. You know, that fucking trader from Verizon, if you wanted to redeem himself should have grabbed that fucking robot and thrown him right off the cliff. That's all I'm saying. That's how I liked it. That's in a perfect world. All right, LegalZoom everybody. Evidently, this podcast is brought to you by LegalZoom.com and the number four. You know the saying time is money. It's true, especially when you run your own business, but running a successful business involves taxes, contracts, hush money, and a whole

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fuck's sakes. Okay, it's over. Okay, no more defense. You can't take your dick out at work and I don't know what else. And it's called climate change. I get it, things are changing. I'm getting older, things are changing. Anyway, so I'm having some people over. I invited all these fucking people to come over my house, not realizing that the OSU fucking Michigan game starts at 9am Pacific Standard Time, so it kind of changes the menu. I guess they'll be making some breakfast burritos over there. Jesus Christ, I hope fucking Michigan wins it this year. This has to become a rivalry again. I wonder what they are all time. I think Michigan had them and then, and now they just, Ohio State has gone on such a run. I would say that they caught up and passed

them. OSU, come on, you cunt. OSU versus Michigan. Anybody watching that kid down there at Duke? Jesus Christ, that man child. OSU versus Michigan record. Here we go. Maybe that's the one all time. Michigan football rivalry. Duda, duda. All right, let's see. Early years, the snowball in Woody Hayes. God knows something crazy happened. Anytime I think I'm angry, I just watch Woody Hayes' highlights. I'm like, hey, you know, I'm not that bad. I ain't that fucking bad. Ten-year war, Hayes versus Schembeckler. Yeah, until Woody Hayes punched that guy in the fucking, in the jaw. Remember that? The kid intercepted the ball and Woody got so fucking mad. It was a kid on the other team. He grabbed him and he punched him. You know,

the guy wanted to win. Michigan versus OSU, all time, head to head, year by year. Maybe this will get it for me. Come on, man. Come on, man. All time results. Here we go. Yeah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Bill, that's the Notre Dame one. I know. They all sound the same to me. All right. Who gives a fuck about way in 1912? All right. Let's just look over the last few years. All right. Michigan is not one since 2011. All right. OSU was one, one, two, three, four, five, six years in a row. And they've won seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 13 of the last 14 fucking years. Jesus Christ. Wait a minute. 1998 OSU won. Get the fuck out of here.

Am I reading these right? I'm not reading this right, am I? Oh, that's ranking. How fucking difficult can this be? Oh, no, no, I'm reading it right. Okay. Sorry. Jesus Christ. Do you guys still listen to this? I don't know why people listen to this fucking podcast. This has got to be the most unprofessional thing ever. I thought I went in 1999. I went to Ohio State versus Michigan. But Tom Brady played that game. So I went to the one in 1998. Or was it 97? Because Michigan won the year I went. Did I go in 97? Maybe I went 97. I don't fucking remember. All right. The 1990s. Michigan, Michigan, it was a Thai, Michigan Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan, Michigan, OSU, Michigan Decade before

80s. Starting in 1980, when Michigan, Ohio State, Ohio State, Michigan, Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan, Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan. Let's see the 70's, the 10 year war in Ohio State, Michigan, Ohio State, Thai, Ohio State, Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan, Ohio State. So wait a second, Ohio State went one, two, three, four, five, Michigan, one, two, three, four, then the Thai. All right. Do they have the all time? So what is the all time? Michigan dominated the early years compiling a 1202 record in the non-conference matchup. Jesus Christ. Look how small this fucking print is. There's no fucking way. All right. Now I got to find this fucking thing. This is like to the point I'm forgetting that

I'm podcasting right now. Whatever. So you guys, you know, the fucking millennia, you probably already looked this up 58 fucking times. I don't know. I don't know how to figure out. Oh, I took my daughter to Guitar Center for the first time. The one on Sunset Boulevard, the big one that they they redid. It was hilarious. So I took a picture of me and my daughter, right, you know, with the Guitar Center logo behind us. And she was reaching for the camera, but it looked like she was doing the rock star point right at the camera. And I'm sitting there, cheese and smiling next to her. So I look like I'm a fan of hers. It's right now. It's my favorite fucking. It's my favorite goddamn picture that I have of her. By the way, thank you to everybody that signed up for my Patreon

page. Next week, me and Joey Roses, the Teen Idol sensation from the opiate Anthony program. The late great opiate Anthony program will be we'll be doing a couple more episodes of uninformed yelling at each other and all that type of shit. I got the free time now I'm gonna fly the helicopter, get some fucking video for you. And we have exclusive footage from my show at Madison Square Garden. Me doing the soundcheck saying I was going to kill. I knew it. I knew I was going to kill one of those nights. You just could feel it. And then in the end, Andrew fucking walked all the way around and me, Joe and verse, you're all saying good night. It follows me all the way through the crowd all the way into the back green room. And there was another big time comic there that I had

no idea that they were there captured that whole fucking conversation. So that's that's the direction my Patreon page is going to go. It's going to be a lot of personal shit like that. That, you know, I don't mind putting out there for a few people trying not to do it for a bunch of fucking, you know, I feel like I'll let you in enough with this. All right, that's the fucking podcast. Enjoy the music. And then there's going to be another half hour of content from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from, I don't know, earlier this year or 10 years ago, whenever the fuck I started doing these things. I'm pulling from Michigan. I respect Ohio State. I just want it to be a rivalry again. You know, I'd like to see

Jim Harbaugh, you know, at this point, I mean, when was the last time his wife had a good Christmas? I mean, come on, the guy's got to win here. You know, I would think even, even, even when they do win, you still got to be like, you know, when he's around the house, wait, Jimmy, relax, okay, just, you know, it's breakfast, you know, have some toast. Where do I get off calling anybody else a fucking lunatic? Oh, you know what I love? I went to the heart doctor, my heart looks great. So right now my chest pains, I know that's just fucking indigestion. What would you do if I fucking keeled over right now? You know, it is I eat too fast. All right, now I want all you guys who aren't doctors out there right now to then tell me,

you know, the dangers of fucking that. What about this fucking jerk off who goes to that goddamn island in the middle of nowhere and gets his dumb ass killed? He fucking went there one time, he gets shot with a bunch of fucking arrows and then he fucking comes back again. Only somebody like who's delusional with religion can be that fucking stupid to go over. I mean, what the, what the fuck are you doing? Jesus Christ. You know what I love too is everybody assumed it was a fucking white guy, myself included. I'm like, that's that's that. There you go. That's what the fuck we do. Hey, don't go over there. You can get killed. Oh yeah, where is it? Let me go check it out.

I think the dude was Asian American. I hate that he lost his life, but I am psyched that for once somebody did some dumb white guy shit and it wasn't a dumb white guy. All right, dumb white guys finish in November strong. I was wondering what my neighbors think when I yell shit like that. I can't tell if he's gone crazy. Is his wife in trouble? We don't know. Oh, by the way, massively positive feedback of Nia reading the questions. So, oh my God, my fucking daughter gave me shit for the first time ever in front of everybody at Thanksgiving, at the Thanksgiving dinner table. She's sitting there and she was being all whining everything, you know, demanding and all of this stuff. They go, good Lord. I go, what are you doing over?

What are you? What are you? The boss, baby? And she looks at me. She goes, you're the boss, baby. And the whole table was, it was like when spider goes, you know, why don't you go fuck yourself, Tommy? Everybody just went like, oh, and I was looking at Nia going like, did she just say that? Did she say you're the boss, baby? Or she just mumbled something? I know she can say boss, baby, but she went, you're a boss, baby. It was just like, Jesus, God. And now we've entered this chapter. Anyways, all right, that's it, everybody. I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving. Don't be afraid to go for a walk, man. Go for a walk and have some fruit and vegetables. You don't have to fucking do that much damage this weekend. You can still enjoy yourself, but you know, don't be a

fucking jerk. All right. I don't know what that meant either. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll check. I'll see you on Monday. Have yourself a happy Thanksgiving, even if you're a vegetarian code. Just eat your potatoes, stuffing and that fucking goo. But don't be a douche and say I can't eat the stuffing because it was in the bird. Friends, we here at the Monday morning podcast want to extend a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving wish to each and every one of you. And we would also like it if you took time to think of those who are a little less fortunate. That's the only fucking thing I

hate about this holiday, right? This is such a great fucking holiday in that there's no corporate bullshit, right? They can't get you, you know, you can't, you don't have to go out and go buy anybody anything. Everybody just makes something to eat. You go over somebody's house and you fucking throw down. And I don't know how, but for some reason, this unbelievable holiday has, has remained like corporate free. Like they can't figure out how the fuck to get you to buy something on a day when it's all about feeding your fucking face other than food, obviously. But you know what I mean? They haven't figured out a way to be like, is this the year you stick the ring in the yams? Buy her a car on Thanksgiving. You know, God knows it would be all about the

fucking broads, right? The fuck are you going to get? Huh? Some sort of, what are you going to get? Huh? One of the, one of those, one of those buzzer rings, huh? To make your friends laugh around the water bubbler. That's stunk. That was a bad example. You know why? Because I have no fucking example. Because basically when you're a man, you stop getting good gifts past the age of 12. Once you're too old for toys, that's it. You get clothes, you get bullshit, right? The fucking broads sit there. I want this shiny thing that cost, it only cost six weeks of your pay. Really? Why don't you take this fucking piece of coal, stick it up your hoo-ha, and see what happens in six weeks. If it's shiny, stick it on your finger. If it isn't, shut it.

Stick it in your fucking pie hole. That's what I'm trying to say. Sorry. This is supposed to be about giving thanks. No, so I love this fucking holiday. You know, I like to eat. Hey, who doesn't, right? But every time, they have to still fucking ruin it. One of these network douchebags during the Macy's Day parade when they're sitting there with their network earmuffs and gloves on, right? With the fucking McGruff trench coat. They always have to say, you know, Thanksgiving's such a wonderful time of year, and blah, blah, blah, all this shit, you're ready to throw down. And then they got to go at the last second be like, but what about Haiti? And then they get to show a bunch of fucking earthquake victims

still trapped under a swing set. You know, it's like, can you just, can I just have one holiday off? Can I do that? So I'm not, all I'm gonna do is I'm gonna watch the fucking football. Did that make sense? Anyways, hey, am I the only guy who gets creeped out by that fucking eight-legged turkey John Madden has every year? Did he stop doing that because he's retired now? There was always something a little wrong about that. Or maybe there was a little bit of foreshadowing of what man-made turkeys are going to look like in a few years, right? I mean, they already do that with, with the chickens, don't they? People lock what meat, right? So they gave them fucking steroids and now they can't even walk because their pecs are

tipping them over. Do you guys see food ink? Did you see that? Oh God, this podcast started off with such a promise. I don't even know where I am in it right now. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Here we go. Let's get back to some familiar ground here. Let's get back to what I say every week for Monday, November 22nd. Wait a minute, November 22nd. This is a important day in the history of America. This is, what is this? This is the 1963, this is the 47th anniversary of the whacking of President John F. Kennedy, right? Because he was the first guy who started printing money outside the Federal Reserve, printing out some fucking coins and they weren't having that shit. So they fucking whacked him in Dallas and then to send a message

to every fucking president who came after him, they put his head on the fucking silver dollar, not in honor of him. That's the Federal Reserve's way. It's like when you shoot a deer and you put its head on the wall, that's what the Federal Reserve does. When you fuck with them, they blow your brains out and then they stick your head on a coin. But if you play by the fucking rules, they stick you on some paper. That's how it works. That's my theory and I'm going with that. Yeah, 47 years ago to this day and they haven't changed anything in D-League Plaza in Dallas. If you ever go there and you want to see the creepiest tourist attraction of all time, they have not even changed a post office box. You walk there, it's like stepping back in time. You can walk around with audio.

I know I've talked about this before, but for all the mates over there in fucking England, down in Australia, where else do I have to give shout outs to? Ireland, Scotland, Sweden, all the places I've played over there. I was actually talking to my booking agent last week. I'm putting together another Europe run for 2011. All right, you fucking cunt. Gonna be another London, Dublin, Glasgow, Stockholm, Sweden. Maybe I can do a Scandinavian run over there. You know how great is my fucking life. All right, and for all you European outcasts down under, we're also working on Australia. And I know I promised you I was coming there in the fall. I don't know what the fuck happened, but what are you going to do? You guys have plenty to do down there, right? ACDC.

That guy threw the phone at those people. Nicole Kidman and her angry forehead and Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber is arguably the biggest star to come out of Australia since that guy threw the phone that I could never remember his fucking name. Michael Strayhan, by the way, was a football player I was trying to remember. And just to be a cunt, I said Justin Bieber was from Australia. And if you actually got upset and started screaming at whatever the fuck you're listening to this podcast on right now, and you actually know where the fuck the person's from, you know, what does that say about you? You know, I'm sick of them talking about the Justin Bieber haircut. Mick Jagger had that fucking haircut on the fucking Ed Sullivan show.

You know, back then when he wore ties. All right, what the fuck is going on here? My brain right now is thinking about making up like fucking 12 different categories. So I don't have to talk about the same shit. It's getting a little stale. It's getting a little stale for me. Yeah, that's something I wanted to talk about. Let's talk about fucking front men in rock music. The best front men of all time. Recently, I've gone on this this insane Rolling Stone old school kick where I finally downloaded Get Your Yahyas Out. They're live concert from Madison Square Garden. It's fucking unbelievable. Then I was on the road when I was in Columbus and I bought another one just called Ladies and

Gentlemen the Rolling Stones and they're playing somewhere in Texas. It's just fucking unreal how unbelievable those guys are as a live band. And I was watching Mick Jagger and I started thinking because I always left him out of the equation when I was thinking, you know, the best front men of all time and I might have to give it to him. All right, you know, I always argue Brady, Peyton Manning. I think, you know, who do you like better? You like Freddie Mercury or Mick Jagger? Now, Freddie Mercury is fucking unbelievable as far as how that dude seriously turned Wembley Stadium into like a coffee house and had like a sing-along, just him and the crowd, not even the fucking band. He's like sitting down and chilling out like he's like he's in his

fucking living room. I think as far as charisma and power of voice and just the ability to be five foot one, 102 pounds and strut around the fucking stage and have everybody captivated. I don't know if you can beat Freddie Mercury, but if anybody can, I would put Mick Jagger. Right up there. Go watch some of his live shit. He's fucking ridiculous. What an amazing front man that guy is. He did rip off some shit. I saw him when he was, what is that song? The Midnight Rambler, you know, the whole breakdown part where he's like, well, have you heard about the bastard? All right, well, he dropped to his knees, milk in the moment, which anybody who's watched music knows he stole that from James Brown. And he also was doing some,

his version, his fucking English version, you know, of those little fucking, you know, the James Brown thing where you fucking somehow your feet aren't moving, but they are moving, but you're not taking steps and you go inside to side. He steals a little bit of that. But as far as white dudes go, you know what I mean? Those would be my top two. And I would listen to either side of those arguments. So bring them on. I want to hear what you have to say. David Lee Roth, you know, as far as like heavy metal goes, how do you find a guy, you know, Robert Plant. Although I got to say Robert Plant, you know, the one thing that knocks him down a little bit is when he wasn't stealing lyrics from old blues guys, he was singing about

Dungeons and Dragons before it came out. So his shit, I don't know if it, uh, if it holds, did this certain, certain bands, it's weird, like the music holds up, but sometimes the lyrics, like I was listening to some old Metallica the other day, and as fucking awesome as they are, some of their old lyrics really has a Keanu Reeves, you know, flavor to it. You know, the thing that shouldn't be. Whoa. What does that seek and destroy? It's all destruction. It sounds like a 12 year old wrote it. Am I really criticizing Metallica on a week when I should be giving thanks that those guys fucking blew my eardrums out for 30 fucking years? I'm sorry. You know what? This is my deal. I figured

out the other day. I have taken 24 flights, 24 different flights. This is the life of a touring comedian since the beginning of October. I basically, let's see, I flew from LA to Boston, Boston to Minneapolis, Minneapolis to Chicago, Chicago to LA. Then I flew LA to Chicago, Chicago to Albany, drove to Buffalo, and then I went Buffalo, Chicago, Chicago, LA. I've already lost count, how many of those are LA to St. Louis, St. Louis, LA, LA to Dallas, Dallas to Columbus, Columbus to Dallas, Dallas to LA. I'm going to fuck that I go up to that. Oh, in between there, fucking LA to New York, New York back to LA. And then this past weekend, I went fucking LA to Newark, New Jersey, drove to Pennsylvania, did a college gig, drove back to New York,

picked up Joe DeRosa over there, drove down to DC, did a gig down there, went to the airport, got on a fucking puddle jumper, flew to Hartford, got in a rental car, drove out to Foxwoods, did a gig there, drove from Foxwoods back down to Newark, got on a fucking plane, and flew all the way to LA. I've done all of that since the first weekend in New York. And would you believe it? I threw my fucking back out. That's what ends up happening when you fly on planes and shit, you're just sitting there like you're on fucking punishment. And I fucked up my, I don't know, my back got tight. The other day, I threw out my back and it's still fucked up. I don't know what the hell to do about it. You know, not only do I not know what to do about my back, I don't know

what to do about this podcast right now, because I don't know what happened. It was starting off great. I sang you a little fucking song. I put an echo effect on it. You know what, let's talk a little fucking NFL football. I didn't watch any NFL football yesterday because I was traveling. I missed it all. I did sit down and I watched the Patriots, the Patriots game. And a lot of people sent me emails and they were anticipating that I was going to trash Peyton Manning. All right. I think it's time. I have to, I have to, to, to fucking reemphasize my mission statement. All right. Somewhere in all this shit, defending Tom Brady, people think that I hate Peyton Manning. The same way people really think that I fucking hate the Jets. I'm going to get to both of those.

All right. Peyton Manning, the shit I gave him was how they were calling him the greatest QB of all time. That's where I give him shit. I give him shit about dad and I give him shit about his performance, his playoff record. That's what I do. But I don't think he sucks as a quarterback. I just take offense when somebody says that he's the greatest quarterback of all time and that Tom Brady always takes a fucking back seat to him. That's what I don't like. Despite Tom Brady's playoff record, Tom Brady's winning percentage is right there with Peyton Manning. He does better in the fucking playoffs and their head-to-head matchups, he's fucking killing the guy. But I still understand that Peyton puts up these monster numbers. But how about every

once in a while, you have a debate about Tom Brady and Peyton Manning and it's sort of like maybe six people like Peyton, seven people like Tom Brady. Just 50-50 maybe tips Tom Brady's way every fucking once in a while. It just doesn't happen. So yesterday, the Patriots beat the Colts or hung on to beat the Colts, which is why I'm not going to talk shit. Unlike these fucking jet fans who keep winning in the last second against fucking teams that aren't going to make the playoffs. Then they start sending me emails like they just want a playoff game, which I really don't understand. Which I kind of get because they don't do well in the playoffs for my entire life. So I guess these are victories. So I guess that's why you talk shit. I have no fucking idea. But Peyton

Manning yesterday, it's not like we beat the Colts. That's not the fucking Marvin Harris, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark and all those guys. You know what I mean? I know Reggie Wayne play, but come on, it's like they have a ton of injuries and their defense sucks. But on the other side of the ball, we have two rookie tight ends that our offense seems to be built around. And we're starting like three, four rookies on defense. So we're both sort of, it's weird. I think both of those teams and their records are a testament to how fucking good both of those quarterbacks are. And certainly with the Patriots, what a great coach Bill Belichick is. All right. All you fucking cunts who keep telling me, you know, keep trashing Bill Belichick, you know, these guys are still giving me shit on

the internet about that spy gate fucking horseshit. Let me see if I can put this thing to bed. First of all, man genie man genius as the Jets call them jet fans, of course, Sanchez man genius. Richard Todd's the next Joe Namath, you know, they do that shit down there, right? He coached with the Patriots. So evidently, if Bill if Bill Belichick was doing that all the time, he built his fucking resume and he has a job right now in head coaching because of that spy gate shit. And then he turns around and rats out Bill Belichick. And then I've also told all you cunts out there that Bill Belichick is not the only guy who does that shit. They send out a league wide memo telling everyone to stop doing it. And if you don't believe me, if you don't believe

me that everybody does it, watch when head coaches talk to each other on the sidelines on NFL Sunday. Do you notice that they put their hands up over their mouth or they take their fucking, you know, that little, yeah, that sheet that they have all their plays on and they put it up over their fucking mouth. They put their hand up over their mouth like fucking Joe Pesci and Casino when they're out there in the parking lot. Why do you think that is? Why do you think that is? All you guys who are trying to blame that fucking epidemic of a crime on one guy. Why do you think they do that? Do you think it's because they have bad breath? You fucking morons? It's because not only does everybody do it, they're still doing it. You just can't do it from the

sidelines. They got people up in the booth binoculars. They got fuck. I bet they got people in the crowd with cameras with zoom lenses. There's millions of dollars at stake. There's egos at stake. All right. I just love how people, okay, people are going to do fucking roids, take HGH. They're going to fucking cheat when the fucking refs aren't going to look, but you know, they're not going to still continue to videotape when that technology exists. Give me a fucking break. All right. And if any of you cunts out there who always bitch says that Bella cheat shit, if you can explain to me why they're covering up their fucking, their hand over their mouth, and if one of you dumb fucks tries to tell me that someone on the other sideline with the naked eye can look through 22

players and read the lips of somebody, I am going to find out where you live through something, something.com. And I'm going to slap you with this fucking microphone. All right. So there you go. I actually, I can't believe what says I actually felt bad for Peyton Manning. Uh, that game, he played a great fucking game. He did all the fucking work. Okay, I can't talk shit. That game was tied up. Okay. The Venetary comes in kicks the fucking field goal. All right. This isn't like last year, where he had all his fucking weapons. It was the Joe Montana moment. And the reason why I trashed him, because they were already handing him the crown as the greatest quarterback of all fucking time before he'd even won his second ring. So I felt vindicated. So I

actually felt bad for the guy when he was running off the fucking field. And believe me, I couldn't believe it, but I actually did. I was like, yeah, you know, guy played a great fucking game. You know, he doesn't have any of his weapons. He's still hung in there. And, you know, and I can't talk shit about the Patriots because our defense is, is, it's just, I mean, it's aged me 30 years. I just watched the replay of the game. And I'm so fucking glad I wasn't watching that live We're great. First down and second down, but third down. Jesus Christ. It's, we're still, you know, I would say two years away, but because we have Bill Belichick, I would say we're still a year away, but I just don't see us going deep into the playoffs with

that fucking defense. And, and I still don't think we match up well against the Jets because they have a, they have a really, really good defense. So I think that can neutralize our offense. And then they go out there, they have a great offensive line and Sanchez has too much fucking time. I don't know. But I don't, I don't see them kicking the shit out of us. I mean, we could obviously still win that game in New England, but which I actually have a feeling we're going to because that's just how things kind of seem to work out in the NFL. But like, you know, I don't know. I honestly, I honestly can't talk shit about that game. It was a fucking awesome game. And I got to admit it was a little sad watching Brady and Peyton Manning with, with teams that

weren't as good as back in the fucking day, you know, but I'm hoping that they're both coming around because it's a fucking great matchup. There you go. Look at that. Look at me. We could Thanksgiving, not being a cunt. And let's see here. I have some reason I have the jets down here, the jets. Somebody said, Bill, in two weeks, we beat, oh, okay, here we go. It says, Bill, in two weeks, we beat two of the best NFL teams, the Steelers and the Colts. See, that's another thing. The Colts aren't one of the best teams. They, they have one of the best quarterbacks and you're thinking about Colts teams of the past. You can't see them. Say they're one of the best teams when all their guys are hurt, you know, but anyways, he says, I think that is

nothing compared to the, but however, I think that's nothing compared to the accomplishments of the New York Jets. I praise Rex Ryan, Mark Sanchez and the whole jet organization for continuing to barely be able to beat under 500 teams. I mean, the Lions, the Browns and now the Texans, why even wait? Might as well build the Mark Sanchez statue right now. Fuck the jets. Yeah. And there's another, I can't talk shit because the Browns raped us. So this is the thing. I've been breaking the Jets balls about winning last second every fucking week, but, you know, once you do it six weeks in a row, I mean, you can't ignore that. That does say something about your fucking team. So, and after last week, when I went one in three with my gambling,

you know, and I couldn't pick a fucking winner, I got to admit, man, this, this year has been really it's kind of fucking awesome, but it's really hard as a gambler trying to pick, you know, like what team is just going to step out and just be the fucking team? You know, I mean, jet fans for as much as you guys keep winning. I mean, how much are you aging down there in fucking New Jersey with the Jersey Jets there? Huh? It's fucking got to be brutal for you every week. But this week I actually, I've gone two in one and I have to bring this up here. Paul Verzi. And I want you guys to give him shit too on his Facebook page. Don't be overly mean. Just actually, you know what you would really be funny if you guys all just sent him letters

of condolences and you just hope that he's doing all right. And if he needs anything, you're there for him. Just, just go with that angle because he did the unthinkable, the unprecedented last week. Okay. We picked four games each week against the spread and against, I don't know how many odds, I don't know how many odds were stacked up against this man, but Paul Verzi went O in four last week. He fucking would have been better off if you blindfolded him, spun him around three times and gave my handful of darts and there was teams written on the wall and just said, start throwing. I broke his balls a little bit. I was like, Jesus Christ, I don't even think Nia could do that. Oh, so if you have time, go to Paul Verzi on Facebook,

VIRZI. Don't be a cunt because it's the week of Thanksgiving. Just, just send him letters of condolences, just act, treat him as though a family member just passed, you know, or maybe like a family pet, you know, not a young family member, like, you know, somebody like, like a grandfather that lived, you know, was 97 and died, you know, those weird things where it's like, you know, you guys, oh, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you know, the fuck, you lived to be 97, the lucky son of a bitch, O in fucking four. I mean, I almost did it last week, one and three, but that's the thing about going O and four. I mean, it's like going O and 16 in the NFL. Somebody's, somebody is going to come around and do you a favor, right? So tonight, the last game I have,

and this is just like that Seahawks game last week when I picked Arizona and the second I picked Arizona, I'm like, no, dude, pick the Seahawks. And I was like, no, stick with your first choice. For some stupid fucking reason, I took Denver and the points tonight, and I just really can see Phillip Rivers coming out there with a fucking vengeance, you know? Oh, I got to give a shout out to one of my listeners who, I didn't see the email, but he gave me five picks for this week, and he went four and one against the spread. So hats off to you, sir. You are a, you're a better man than me. All right, let's move on here. Let's get on with the, oh, my drinking. People are asking me about my drinking or the lack thereof. Yes, this is my 37th day of sobriety.

I got this shit down. I got it down. I'm going to, I'm easily going to make it to the Rose Bowl, because I've already, I've already gone through my tough drinking towns. I went to DC. I went through New York. I worked with Joe DeRosa, Chicago, Minneapolis. What the fuck else are you going to do up there? Oh, by the way, I saw, I saw that show Man Vs Food, and that was a show that I used to make fun of. I thought it was fucking stupid. And it's just like, ah, this is dumb. I don't want to watch this fucking sweaty guy eat all this goddamn food. I don't know what happened. I was on the road and I, I watched him. I don't know where he was, but he fucking, he, he ate this sandwich. It was a hit. He ate a turkey sandwich that I swear to God,

was the size of a purse who stacked that fucking high. It was ridiculous. And then it came with a shake that you could literally put, you could like, you know, people who like have like a, like a tree growing in their house, you know how big that fucking pot is? That, that was all, it was four pounds of milkshake. So the dude eats all but two bites of the turkey sandwich. He sucks down this shake that looked like, you fucking, it was as big as a fire hydrant worth a fucking milkshake. He sucks this whole fucking thing down. He's got 20 minutes to go to eat the final two fucking bites and he's just sitting there with like, you know, like the thinker, you know, that pose, that great statue.

He's sitting there like that except he's sweating and it took him 17 minutes to eat two bites. I mean, I could have stuck both bites in my mouth and ate him in like 30 seconds. That's how fucking full this guy was and how hard he had to concentrate to not just fucking blow chow right after he fuck a blow chow. Jesus Christ. That's from my high school days. Dude, you hear about Eddie? Yeah, he's drinking. He fucking blew chow last night, kid. Trying not to fucking puke. But anyways, he went to, he went to Minneapolis and he, there was some sort of sandwich up there that two places claim, what the fuck was the sandwich? Two places claim that they are the original. Can somebody please tell me what that place is,

what the name of that place is? I want to fucking go there because I want to try that sandwich because it looked delicious. And for that matter, if you see a city that I'm going to, if I'm coming to your city and there's that fucking place where you got to go, like when I went to Buffalo and they had anchor bar and it was a Duffy's or something like that, like those are the two places to get, you know, they basically invented Buffalo wings. If you know of any of those places, please let me know because I'm really running out of fucking sporting events to go to, you know, unless I want to start to go into like, you know, literally games and stand there like a fucking pervert. I'll just show up with those black frame

glasses standing, you know, close enough to the field but just far enough away from the rest of the crowd, you know, all by myself just looking like a fucking creep. Please let me know those because I got to tell you, you know, I'm having a fucking, I'm having more goddamn fun on the road right now. I'm just meeting a lot of, you know, I'm finally getting to do some theaters. I'm having great shows, you know, I feel like I got my new hour, it's starting to get solid and I don't know, I'm not boozing so I'm kind of doing other shit, checking out some restaurants and whatnot. So if you know of some of those places, please let me know. All right, and with that, let's get on with the drinking question. Hey Bill, so now that you have 30 plus days, 37, 30 plus days without

any booze in you, what are the pros and cons? I remember when you were on the wagon earlier this year, you said something to the effect of it being a little boring and you remembered every second of every day. I'm really interested to hear what the pros are in your opinion. Do you feel more energetic, clear-minded, etc? By the way, are you a little squeamish too about Frankenstein Manning? What Frankenstein Manning is going to do to the Pat secondary tomorrow? Go Pat's. Yeah, see, yeah, true Patriot fans were fucking nervous. Yeah, I was, I was nervous. The only thing I was counting on was the fact that he wasn't coming in with the cult team that you were used to. But anyways, back to the drinking questions.

What are the pros and cons? All right, let's go with the cons first because those are funnier. The cons are, you know what the hardest part about not drinking is, is you'll never realize how much you are bombarded with beer commercials until you stop drinking. And it's not the dumb beer commercials, you know, the ones like the Corona ones where it's the battle of the sexes or those ones where they, you know, they're just trying to be funny, where they're just like, yeah, you know, why don't you order a real beer when, you know, when you take your skirt off or whatever, you know, those are just silly or those fucking Budweiser frogs and lizards back in the day. Those ones don't make you want to drink, but those ones where they talk about the clean,

refreshing, you know, and they, you know, without those fucking Sam Adams commercials with a guy with the beard is burying his face into all those hops. And then they just, they just pour in the fucking beer into that perfect beer glass. Those are the ones where I start fucking, you know, I start getting all clammy, like, you know, and it's weird when you're not drinking, because if I'm drinking, I see one of those. I'll just, I'll either not even notice it, or I'll just be like, God damn, I want a beer and I'll go get one. But when I'm going cold turkey, when I see those commercials, I'm like, God damn, I would like about 56 of those right about now. I would like to man versus booze. Oh, fuck it. There's a YouTube video. Don't do it. I don't

condone it. But if you do it, I'm going to watch it. The health risks are unbelievably dangerous. Do not do that. Do not do that. You can't do man versus booze. Somebody's going to fucking die, which is why they don't have any of those challenges in a bar. So strike all of that. Do not do that. But that's, that's what those beer commercials make me want to do. Man versus booze. And it makes me want to sit there and, oh God, what a fun challenge that would be. Can you imagine if you had like, you know, you know, like those, this is how much I want to drink right now. You know, you know, those, you know, those, those refrigerators that you, that people keep wine bottles in, wine, wine,

whatever wine fridges, refrigerator wine things. So fucking stupid. Whatever the fuck you call those things, you know, they had the glass door so you can see, you can see the bottles chilling in there. Imagine if you had a fucking ceiling to floor, just like a refrigerator, had a glass door and behind it, you just saw a bunch of frosty fucking bottles of beer, you know, and in the other one was just a bunch of frosty fucking awesome looking beer glasses, right? And you had, you had to kill them all. Even if you couldn't fucking do it, the amount of goddamn fun that would be. See, this is why I'm never going to make it. I'm not, I'm not going to go my whole life because, uh, you know what, I think I might do that with Derosa when I eventually get off the

wagon. We might do man versus booze. What is wrong with me? See, this, this is the cons of going just totally cold turkey is you start having fantasies like, I just got lost in that. Jesus Christ. And then I was thinking like, yeah, we'll do it. We'll fucking take a vacation. We'll have a fucking house on the lake like this whole homoerotic fucking beer fantasy with Joe Derosa. The fuck is wrong with me? That's what I was literally thinking. You know, because when you do something like that, you want to make sure you got no place else to go. Okay, that's one of the cons. You start fantasizing about booze so much, you actually put yourself in a semi-gay situation with one of your best friends. God damn it. One of the things I love most about Joe

Derosa is this, he's a complete fuckup. That's what I love about him. You know, there's nothing better than hanging out with a fuckup is because, you know, it's just no pressure for you to get your shit together. It's like when you hang out with a do good, gooder, it's a constant reminder of how awful you are as a person and how shitty you're living your life. But when you get hang out with a guy like Joe Derosa, you know, he's smart about it. He gets his work done. He finishes right in the script. He does his shows, but afterwards he's old school. He really is. He's like Dean Martin without the charisma and the good looks. Anyways, why am I trashing Joe on Thanksgiving? Huh? It's a week to give thanks. I give thanks to that, you know, that Joe Derosa.

And for years, us comedians have always trashed Joe Derosa talking about how he doesn't have any shoulders. And I have maintained for a good two and a half years, I've been screaming. I've been telling to people with deaf, yelling at deaf ears. What's that fucking expression? Whatever. I'm talking to people who are not listening to me. Joe Derosa does not lack shoulders. He has shoulders. But what he doesn't have is that those two chunks of flesh, you know, the chunk of flesh on either side of your neck, uh, either, yeah, between your neck and your shoulder, that, that meat right there, the trapezi muscle. Is that what it is? He doesn't have that. He doesn't have collar bones. That's what happened. His collar bones never grew while the rest of his skeletal system grew.

His collar bones didn't. So, uh, hence there was no need to put flesh in there. So Joe is ahead. He's a neck and on either side of his neck, he had his ball and socket joints for his shoulders are right where those, those rivets were on the side of Frankenstein's neck. Neck, necks, plural, idiot. All right, let's plow ahead here. 36 minutes in. So those are the cons. As you start fantasizing about booze and, uh, for me, anyways, I can't speak of, for, uh, anybody else, but it just makes you want to drink like 90 fucking beers. Like that. There's a bar, there's a German bar on the upper East side. And this time when I, when I go off the wagon, this is where I want to go.

They have this insane, I can't remember if it's a boot or if it's one of those things, those beer glasses that looks like a giant fucking bong. Um, you know, like I, I, I, that's what I want to drink. I want to drink one of those. Or just one of those giant mugs of fucking beer. That's the con right now because as great as I feel, that's what I think of in my head when I think about drinking every day, the glass gets bigger, frostier and, uh, Jesus, I'm going to, I'm going to start drinking halfway through this podcast if I keep talking about it. All right. Uh, what are the pros weight loss specifically in your face? It, your, your face tightens up. It's great. You get your jawline back. Um,

when some drunk whore comes up to you with fucking cigarettes and wine breath, you see her for what she is. All right. You don't hang out with people after the show. They get all drunk and fucking loud. And what you end up, you're standing there. What you really start hearing is these cliched conversations that you have participated in for the last 25 fucking years of your life. You know, you stand back and you get to watch people slowly lose control of their, uh, their judgment. Um, and you start to see people say things and, uh, do things that they're going to apologize or regret for regret for or regret the next day. What else? Uh, it starts to make you look at where you are in your life, you know,

and, uh, I don't know if you're going to do something that's sort of scummy. You have to do it stone sober. And I think a lot of times when I do dirtbag shit, you know, or I just do dumb shit, I think it's because I'm drunk. No, I think that's why I'm drinking is because I'm shouting down that voice in my head that's telling me, Bill, go to bed right now. Just go to bed, read, you know, finish that script. That's another thing, too, was I start drinking when I start thinking of the sketch I was going to write or something like that. I haven't done it. And I'm like, I'm going to do it tomorrow. And I start thinking, you know, the successful guys would be going back to the hotel room right now and they'd be

finishing it, right? Take out a little fucking feather, you know, stick it in that ink well, and they would finish writing it out, but not you. Here you are. You're sitting here talking to these fucking people about football from the 1970s. So, um, there's plenty of pros about it. You know, I think if you're in a fucked up relationship and you sober up, that'll help you. You know, I think, uh, I think a lot of people kind of use booze as a way to sort of medicate their way through the year, you know, and not address shit that's really pissing them off and stuff. I don't know. I don't know. It makes you want to work out. It makes you want to change other stuff in your life where, uh, and actually go out and do things. It's another thing,

too. See, now I'm talking about going to cities. I want to go to cool places to eat and that type of stuff and rather than, you know, where are the bars at so I can do what I've already done for the last 25 fucking years. So there you go. Those are the pros. Um, I'm not saying you got to quit it for good unless you're a full on alcoholic. Obviously I would quit it for good, but if, uh, you know, if you're just getting that big Ted Kennedy head, it's great to take a fucking month off. You know, I don't know. That's it. I don't know about you guys, but I've just been boring the living shit out of myself this week. All right, let's get to underrated, overrated. All right, this is, this is going to cause some fucking emails. All right, overrated, reverse racism.

I love how white men tell minorities to quit whining about how unfair things are, but the second they become victims of racism, all you hear is I can't insert complaint because I'm white. Uh, take some of your own advice. Take some of your own advice, you fucking hypocrite. Could I have butchered that anymore? Let me go back and read that. Reverse racism. I love how white men tell minorities to quit whining about how unfair things are, but the second they become victims of racism, all you hear is I can't insert complaint because I'm white. Take some of your own advice, you fucking hypocrite. There's the read. I fucking love that one. I 100% agree with that one. I, it's embarrassing when I hear white guys,

specifically white guys, you know, white women still complain because that's what women do of all colors. They just fucking bitch. They're going to bitch about something, you know, take them to the restaurant that they've always wanted to go to. You take them there and what happens? Why do we have to sit over here? Right? Bitch about the table. It's cold. I like it, but it's cold. Do you have the fucking blah, blah, blah? Do you have that special? They take it off the menu there and then they pout. And what do you want to do? You want to fucking take the check when it comes and stuff it down the back of their throat like that creepy moth that handle electric or that one fucking dude used to do in that movie that I can't remember the name of.

Jesus Christ, this podcast sucks. Yeah, I really, I, you know, I really can't like listen to white people bitch about white guys, bitch about, you know, like affirmative action when they bitch about that type of shit. All I can say is if you can't keep your fucking head above the line, you know, come on. Really? If you fall, you know, do you know a bunch you have to be fucking up as a white dude to get under that fucking line? Like say colleges when they have that affirmative action thing. So then somebody gets the same scores of you, but they're not white. So they fucking get in and you're going to sit there and bitch mode and come on. Seriously, come on. You got enough fucking advantages. You fucked up on. You got to take that one on the

chin. That's how I view it. And so I'm going to support that one because I know it's also going to bring a bunch of fucking emails. We can talk about race on the podcast, something I would love to do. All right, underrated Michael Vic. Lover more hate him. He's the best QB in the league right now. Classic, classic, classic. You see that right there? There you go. This is what this is. That is the ESPN way of looking at football. Did you watch Michael Vic last week against the hapless fucking Washington Redskins and their awful defense? You would have thought Jesus Christ himself was playing fucking quarterback. They would, they could, they said, this is one of the most amazing game type ever. Michael Vic and Michael Vic.

Gee, one fucking game in the middle of November. And this guy is suddenly, he suddenly catapults fucking Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, as far as like all their accomplishments, all the things that they've done. He has like two or three good fucking games right now. He is the best QB in the fucking league. Jesus fucking Christ. It's just, it's just fucking unreal. I get it. He's the fastest fucking guy in the NFL. You can't fucking tackle the guy. I get it. He's staying in the pocket now and he's actually doing what a quarterback is supposed to be doing. You know, when the first guy isn't open, he doesn't take off and run anymore. He looks for the second or third, third guy open. I get that shit. All right. And I'm not saying, like

somebody asked me last week when he was doing what he did against the Redskins, he said, do you think this makes Michael Vic the best quarterback in league? I said, look, if he does what he did tonight against the fucking Redskins, like three weeks in a row, he becomes without a doubt shoulder to shoulder with the best QBs in the fucking league. Okay. But you got to win in January. You got to lead your team in the fucking playoffs or else it doesn't mean, I mean, yeah, it's amazing. The guy's fucking, he's most athletic dude I have ever seen. He's got an unbelievable army. He has all the, I'll tell you this, he has all the fucking tools to become the greatest fucking QB of all time. If he actually starts to play the position where

he stays in the pocket and does that without a fucking doubt, but no, he's not the best QB in the fucking league right now. He's not. He's the most fucking amazing to watch. I don't know. This, this is, look it, this gets back to me when people think I hate the fucking jets. This is what I hate. I hate people who get crowned king before they take the fucking crown. That's what I can't stand. That's why I went off on Peyton last week. That's why I'm going off on the jets this year. You guys listen to his podcast for three fucking years. I've made fun of the jets and that type of shit, but it hasn't been like this year. And the reason was, was because that hard knock shit talking that they did was the most over the top disrespectful fucking thing

I've seen in so God, the fucking Rex Ryan. Yeah, we'll go undefeated in September. We're going to kick the fuck out of them. We'll kick the shit out of those fucking days, fucking guy and everybody's talking about how confident the, confident the guy was. And I called him out on it and you know what? I was fucking right. I was right. They weren't that fucking good and they still aren't that fucking good. They are winning games at the last second. They lost their first fucking game. They lost to the Ravens and they lost to the Packers. They've yet to play the Colts, which they're not really that good this year, but they haven't played the fucking Steelers. They haven't blown anybody away other than the fucking Patriots with their awful fucking defense. So where do you get off

talking all this shit? That's why I'm giving them shit. Okay. I really don't give a fuck. You know, I give a fuck this year if they win the Super Bowl, but I don't, I don't wish that fucking misery on Jets fan. Do you really think I want you guys to go your whole lifetime and never win a championship? I don't. I don't. All right. But this year, I don't want you to because you talked all that you guys didn't talk all that shit because Rex Ryan talked all that shit. That's all this shit is about. All right. But other than that, I don't give a fuck. It's fun that they're good. It's not fun when they suck. That game against the Colts yesterday wasn't fun because what's this? Cause, cause Peyton Manning didn't have all these guys. It's

not, you know what I mean? It'd be like beating the Yankees if, uh, well, Jesus, their whole fucking team would have to go down the amount of fucking free agents they sign. Um, it'd be like beating the, uh, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. You know what the fuck I'm saying. All right. So don't, don't get like this whole thing, you know, switch. I know I'd say over the top shit, but I'm just trying to be funny here. Right. So all you cunts who are taking this shit way too fucking seriously speaking of which I got some audio for you guys that, uh, one of my great listeners sent into me and I absolutely love this fucking audio, but it's also embarrassing to me because this guy reminds me, I hate how much I am just like

this guy. I hate that I give a fuck about sports as much as this guy, uh, speaking of the Eagles and the Redskins. Okay. And for my friends overseas either way, uh, uh, there was a football game, Eagles played the Redskins and the Eagles fucking raped the Redskins. So this, this radio host goes on the radio and has a 12 minute fucking meltdown about all the shit he's had to endure as a Redskins fan, which is kind of funny because they've won three Super Bowls in my lifetime. So I, part of it is hilarious because he goes, you know, it's been 10 years of this shit. And I just would love to see him do that rant and get to that, that moment and say it's been 10 years of this shit and say that standing on in the middle

of Wrigley field when it's packed. It's been 10 years of this shit. Oh, you poor fucking baby. Um, but it's actually, to be honest, it's been longer than that because, you know, it's going on like 20 years. And once you get, you start getting up around 20 years, it sucks as a fan. Um, just talk to the Canadian fans up there. You know, it's starting to suck up there, isn't it? You guys got to be, you guys got to be happy. The Canadians look really good this year. They have a really solid fucking team, but the fact that the Canadians haven't won it since 1993 is how unbelievable that franchise is. They've never gone this long in the history of that, of that franchise. They've never gone anywhere near this long without winning a Stanley

Cup. Those fucking assholes, I think right up until 1979, I think they had a better winning percentage than I think the Yankees. I might be wrong on that. No, I think I'm, I might, I think I'm right on that. I think they were average and winning one every fucking three, one every three years easily. Ah, the fuck knows. I'm bad at math. But anyways, so anyways, just go to the MMPodcast.com. This fucking rant is so funny. And first of all, somebody sent the email and told me that this guy was going to go off. And what makes it so goddamn funny is the way he starts the rant. I thought it was just going to be some guy blowing a gasket, but it starts the, he starts it so calmly. He just starts off saying something to the effect of, you know,

my grandfather was a Redskins fan. He used to watch Sammy Bob. He goes to his dad. He literally did background. My dad was a Redskins fan. I've been a Redskins fans. I probably spent in my lifetime, probably, I don't know, seven, $8,000 on throwback jerseys and Redskins merchants. He lays the fucking groundwork. He gives you the fucking backstory. And then he just launches into this thing. And I got to admit, man, I got 10 minutes into it. I had to shut it off because I was so embarrassed that I have, I've blown a gasket like this guy. I mean, he gets like seven minutes into it. And I'm like talking to the guy like, dude, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter this much. Just let it go. And it's actually really funny,

except for this, this guy in the background keeps going, get him, get him, get him. And it really gets fucking annoying. Other than that, it's fucking hilarious. All right, 52 minutes in. Let's, let's move on here. All right, this, this fucking segment is really taken off. I'm loving this one. This segment is best line in a bad movie. And this week's video, which is up on the mmpodcast.com, you got to watch this one, please do not have any food in your mouth when you watch this because you will spit it all over a loved one. Watch the video, Steven Segal, Blood Bank. It's just fucking awesome. I really want to just go out one night and just rent five of the worst fucking movies ever and just sit there and watch it with a couple of people that can appreciate

it because some of the lines in these fucking movies are incredible. Please, please keep sending me these videos because it's just making a nice long list of movies that I have to sit down and watch. You know, it's great for that, by the way, too. Are you guys fans of 30 Rock? I'm only going to name a name here because this is something positive. Judah Freelander is an encyclopedia of knowledge on movies in general, but forget about bad movies. And if I remember correctly, he actually collects them. And I have to, you know what, I got to get, I'm going to have him as a guest on this show. And before he comes on, I'm going to, I'm going to ask for his top five worst movies, best worst movies of all time. And I'm telling you, he can break these movies down

like Siskel and Ebert back in the fucking day as to why they're great, not why, not only they're awful, but they're also great. Like he's, this is what I, one of the many things I miss about living in New York was running into him. And I would always bring up, you know, it all started one time I was, I was hanging out at the comedy cellar and he was down there. And I was trying to remember this name of this Steven Segal movie. And I was like, I was like, dude, what was the name of that movie? Steven Segal had as one of his earlier ones. And he fought all those, those fucking Bob Marley looking dudes. And he just goes without even missing a beat. He just goes marked for death. Great movie. And I go, what was the plot of that?

He goes, the plot of that movie is basically Steven Segal beats up Jamaica. I'm butchering all this shit. He said it in a much funnier way. And then he, then he broke down why that movie was great. And it basically came down to you said that movie introduced the breaking of bones in martial art movies, according to him, or, or took it to just an entirely different level. And I'm telling you, if you watch Mark for Death and you're squeamish, that's not a movie to watch, because I've never seen so many compound fractures. Is that the compound fractures? Is that the one where, where it comes out through the skin? That's the one I'm talking about. All right. Once again, I start talking and I get in over my head. This has been the easy listening podcast.

All right. Here we go. YouTube videos for the week. I can't remember if I put this one up last week, but I look up the car, James Brolin. It's a one of the worst and hilarious trailers I've ever seen in my life. This is another movie that I have to see. White Line Fever is another one. Those are too bad movie trailers. Angry Birds Peace Treaty. And, and here's another segment I'm going to introduce. If you guys have all time favorite classic YouTube videos, all right, look up food fight and try to guess which wars that they're talking about. I'm a moron. The first time I watched it and just thought it was funny because it was food blowing each other up. And then I really started to see the, the metaphors or was it the similes? I never, simile is using

lycra abs. Well, then they would have to say America is a cheeseburger. That's a metaphor. A simile would be America is like a cheeseburger. All right, you'll understand it when you watch the video if you haven't seen it yet. And as far as drummers goes this week, this is another Stuart Copeland one. And this is a band that I meant to get into and I don't know what happened. I got so busy, but oyster head. Watch the YouTube video. Oz is ever floating as a performance that they did live on Conan O'Brien and the band was Stuart Copeland on drums. What's his face? I just went, I just spaced on his fucking name. Trey, the guy from fish. I forget his fucking name and a Stagio. I was never a big fish fan.

I think they're awesome, but I just can't listen to fucking 58 minutes songs. And on bass was Les Claypool. That was the band and they're fucking awesome. And I'm going to download some of their shit. All right. And with that, I think the only thing we have left, I'm going to end with advice, which really seems to be the way that we end. Do I have time for a couple of quick questions? I don't think I do. All right, let's get to the advice for the week. All right, question Bill being a frequent flyer. Don't you think this controversy over the new body scanners is fucking bullshit? A guy hit a bomb in his fucking underwear. What exactly do these complaining bastards expect us to scale back on security? We have

become so pampered and used to the utmost comfort that we are doing the terrorist job for them. Who gives a fuck if someone is seeing your cock or your tits? He or she is seeing hundreds a day. You, sir, are a fucking moron. All right, if you go through airport security, I don't know if you've noticed, they're not exactly the fucking Navy SEALs, although they have gotten better in the last couple of years, but they don't, you know, they're always shooting the shit. They're always fucking around. They're not really paying attention. It doesn't really look like it's a high paying fucking job. All right, let's go with that. All right, let's go with secondly, a body scanner, entire body scan. Let's get over the fact that you don't want a naked picture

of yourself, which is your fucking right to not want that, by the way. All right. Secondly, I don't know about you, but I fly every other weekend. And when I go on benders like this at the end of the year, because I owe the banker cunts and the fucking government a bunch of money, I go on like, you know, four or five weeks in a row, I fly. All right. So I got to get a full bond body scan on the way out and the way back. You know, I really have to start checking to see that I'm not going to be completely filled up with memory on this fucking Olympus LS 10. They have the goddamn time right there. I apologize. Let me get back to what the fuck I was talking about. Yeah. So, so you're basically saying that I shouldn't complain that like six weeks in a

fucking row and a total of 12 times, I'm going to take radiation from head to fucking toe. All right. And don't even tell me, oh, it's only for a fucking second. Dude, when you go to get your fucking, you know, teeth x-rayed, they put that leather fucking, that lead vest leather, that lead vest over all your fucking organs. And then they go, they leave the fucking room. And I'm supposed to stand there like I'm at a Jay-Z concert and I'm getting frisk at the same time with my fucking leg spread and doing that Jay-Z thing over my head. And they're going to no fuck that. This cancer in my family. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Pat me down. So that's why I did on the way out. I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that thing. And I said to pat me down.

So then, you know, they did it. And they said, they came up to me and this guy said, I have to pat you down. Are there any parts of your body that are that are that are sensitive? And I wanted to be like, well, I think all of us have areas of our body that are sensitive. Just to creep them out. That's basically like, oh, good. Grab my balls. I don't give a fuck. Right. I didn't know what he was going to do. Right. So he puts on his dish washing gloves and starts patting me down and they don't grab your balls. What they do is they go way up your inner thigh and he gives you your ball bag, a little of a backhand on each side of the ball bag. You know, so, and I got to admit, it made me laugh a little bit. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah, you're not taking a fucking head to toe naked fucking picture of me as you, you know, you're not, you're not fucking radiating my entire body. So I can get on a fucking puddle jumper to go to Hartford. I'm not doing that. Go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ. Lazy motherfuckers. You know, what people forget, I don't get it. You know what I mean? This is what I understand that they're, you know, quote unquote trying to keep me safe. But what I don't understand is that people don't understand that during those times of fear and let's try to keep you safe, the amount of fucking like privilege that you lose and you never fucking get it back. And they always take a little more than they should. That's why it's great that people bitch.

And it's great that you can bitch because if you bitched like this in China, they'd probably put you to death and then harvest your fucking organs. All right, so yeah, I think it's fine with the amount of fucking cancer that's out there and that people fucking talk on their cell phones all the goddamn time. You don't want to end it, you know, you don't want to add to it with head to toe fucking zap a fucking radiation. You know, I'm standing there. I don't have my fucking shoes on. I'm stripped down to a fucking t-shirt. I got jeans on and shit. I don't have anything on me. You know, and there's all this fucking flipping out about the fucking airplanes. What about trains? You could literally have a box

that said I have dynamite on the side of it and you could the fucking conductor would help you carry it on. There's no metal detectors. There's no nothing despite the fact that 15 years ago, that guy got on the Long Island Railroad and shot that shot the whole fucking thing up. So I don't like that. I don't like that whole fucking I scan scan my retina shit. No, go fuck yourself. I'm not doing that. And it's all right, dude, if you have no problem with it, you know, good luck with your testicular slash brain slash tongue slash throat slash big toe cancer. If you fly all the fucking time like a lot of people, I'm not doing that shit. I'm not fucking doing it. That's uh, they have fucked that. You know, and you're acting like

before this shit went down, they haven't been keeping us safe. You know, they have been since 9 11 knock on wood. Nothing has fucking happened before those stupid body scanners. Nothing has fucking happened. All right, we're fine. Everything is fucking fine. You don't need those goddamn things. You know, it's funny as if next week, somebody actually does something, the conspiracy theorists are going to say that the government did it because people were refusing those body scanners. All right, that's just my opinion, man. I seriously, you know, I'm not trying to get head to toe radiation. I get that they're trying to fucking keep me safe. But you know, if they truly wanted to keep me fucking safe, they wouldn't be shooting the shit

and joking the amount of fucking times that they are when I'm going through. All right. And that happens a lot. Specifically, it's the person who's looking at the TV screen is talking about whatever and is joking and laughing, which you're going to do because they have an unbelievably boring fucking job. I would be doing the same goddamn thing. But if they truly gave a fuck, they would spend a lot more money on the people that they get to do the security rather than these new fangal fucking goddamn machines. I'm not going through those pat me down, give my fucking my ball bag, a couple of backhands with your dishwashing gloves. I don't give a fuck, but I'm not going to stand there, spread eagle and end up with cancer or the taint. All right, but you know,

you guys want to do it? Go ahead and do it. I don't give a fuck. But I hope enough for you to say no, so it doesn't become mandatory. All right, that's it. All right, let's get with the advice here. All right. Hey, hey, Bill, I need your thoughts on this situation. This girl I hooked up with was a freak. I never banged her. I just fingered her and got her off and she blew me. Her ass was huge. It was amazing. She texted she texted me the next day and saying how amazing it was and how crazy she got off and loved it. I thought the next date or third was going to be the fun sex fest. No doubt about it. But out of nowhere, she said she didn't want to do this anymore. She was moving down to Irvine, leaving her old apartment that was just a few miles from me. And she said we

wouldn't ever hang out again. So she didn't stay in touch. The one time she she was meeting up with friends in Santa Monica, my neck of the woods, we texted back and forth. And by the end of the night, she flaked again. Wait a minute, you said she's not keeping in touch. I guess when she left, she didn't keep in touch. But then she texted you when she came back to town. I'm going to have to assume that because I can't talk to you. Alright, said you're going to meet at the end of the night and then she flaked again. She said she liked to rendezvous, but of course she never did. Then she asked me why I'm obsessed with seeing her. I told her the truth that I had a fun time with her and we both had a blast and she clearly got off and I figured we could continue this good

thing we got going. I didn't directly say I want to fuck her, but the point probably came across in the texting. I'm straightforward with women, Bill. I'm also aware of how this girl's been and he left out a few words. I'm assuming he's saying been messing with my brain. I even told her I couldn't shake her up. I felt used, but since we didn't fuck, it wasn't a good use. The mission wasn't complete hot sex on a platter makes the mission makes the makes the mission complete. Jesus, Bill. We don't talk anymore. I haven't seen her and I'm bummed I never banged her. I was hoping you might have some insight as to why she suddenly stopped seeing me. She wasn't faking it. She was really digging me and suddenly she halted the whole operation before I could bang her.

What gives me help me out? Please give me some insight. Alright, dude. Well, I don't know her and I so I can't really break her down that much. There's a number of reasons why she could have done it. Alright, he said the girl was a freak. Look, the fact that all she did was bang you and you're now jones and four and you're saying that she's a freak and everything and then out of nowhere she said she didn't want to do this anymore is one or two things. That's either a one of those girls who fancies themselves a femme fatale and they like getting guys all worked up and then just dropping you like a fucking hot potato, you know, just to fuck with your head. There are girls out there that like doing that. But if I had to guess because she actually blew you and did bring you to orgasm,

I would say that this sounds like a bad girl trying to reform herself or for people who are more liberal. This is a woman who's had her fun and she's realizing that when she begins a relationship the way she did with you that that it doesn't go anywhere. But she still loves to fuck and she's fighting that. So she moves away. Maybe she bangs so many guys in that area. She needed a new start. So she's down there in fucking San Diego wherever the fuck she went and now she's you know she's being that girl. You know I used to fucking blah blah blah but now I don't. You know maybe she's looking for a husband. So maybe that's why she did it. I have no fucking idea. Maybe she's lonely down in San Diego. She misses her friend. She comes back and in a moment of

weakness she texts you and then she starts crying to her friends going look at that. I'm going to hook up with this guy. I don't even like him and they're just like going Susan don't do it. You don't have to do this. You're doing so good right now. You're not being a whore and then she leaves you hanging. But I'll tell you this right now. You got to let her go. You got to let her go. All right. You got to be like when it comes to women if you're just out there and you want to fuck you got to be like a relief pitcher. All right. You serve up a fucking meatball and they knock it out of the park. You can't be throwing your next pitch thinking about the last one. You got to let the shit go. Start over again. So right now what you need to do is go out and find

another fucking freak which you know if you're straightforward with women like you are you're going to find one and if you really just take the time to try to break them down and see what different kinds of women respond to you literally become like a fisherman and you know whatever kind of woman you're looking for. That's the bait you're tossing out there. All right. If you're looking for a wife or a serious girlfriend you don't go to a meat market. You don't join a softball league. Take a cooking class or something like that. Go where the good girls are. You know or if you do go out to the meat market look at the one who's actually watching her alcohol intake the one who seems to be the responsible one responsible a wife a mother to your children. Right. One who

doesn't have her stuff all hanging out. But you know if you're looking for a who you know it's all kinds of places to go. Actually the great thing about whores is there everywhere. That's what I love about. You know it's like bottled water. You pretty much get it wherever you know you know what I mean. You got the office whore. You got the fucking the whore at the gym. You know the one who shows up in full makeup and fucking you know works out on level one on the stairmaster. Looking over her shoulder to see who's checking her out. Right. That girl's a fucking nightmare. Even if she blows you you're going to have makeup all over your lap. Here's the funny. I finally got to the funny a fucking hour and 10 minutes into the goddamn

podcast. Where was it all week. You know what the reason why this podcast wasn't as funny as usual is because you know I was thinking about all the people who don't get to laugh in the world this week. You know this week when we're supposed to give thanks. Hey England and Australia and Sweden and we'll throw Denmark in there too. What's up there Ireland. What do you say there Madagascar. Do you guys have any sort of week like that we have a big feast. What about the Irish. You guys got to have some big thing that you know turns into some sort of drunken brawl. Jesus Christ. Can you go with any more hacky shit. Let's go to Scotland and then you put your fucking skirts on right. You're fucking scared wearing coats. Do you guys have

any days like that where all you're supposed to do is just sit down and eat and then there always has to be the Debbie Downer who just sits there and starts talking about the less fortunate. You know or one of these fucking celebrities who has to do a little public service announcement. You know during this week of Thanksgiving. Let's not forget about those Colombian minors or wherever the fuck they were from. Oh wait they got rescued but still they were down in that hole for a long time. I like how this is like the one time a year too when people of a sudden go out and they want to feed a homeless guy. You know I had a buddy of mine did that and he went down there and they thought that they were all going to be fucking high fiving them and they were actually

they actually got pissed at him. They were like where the fuck are you the other 11 months of the year. He was like wow that's a good point. Alright that's the podcast for this week. I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows at the Lisner Auditorium. I was called the listener. The Lisner Auditorium in Washington DC had an awesome time in comics at Foxwoods. If you live in that area the New England area you want to do a little bit of gambling and then see some really high quality comedy. I saw who the fuck they've been booking. They got nothing but big time acts up there. It's a great place to see a show. Definitely check that out and this weekend I'm going to be in Seattle Washington at the come on where the fuck is it on November 27th. I'm going to be at

the Moore Theater. Alright and that's a huge venue so there are tickets left so please when you're done chowing could you please come out. Check out a show. I would love it. I got a brand new hour of stuff. Paul Versey. Owen Ford. Paul Versey is coming to the show. He's going to be opening up and we're hanging around. An extra day we're going to go to the Seattle Seahawk Kansas City Chief Game on Sunday. Make it a fucking weekend. Hey and if there's any good places to eat up there. If there's the place that has the best burger or the sandwich or whatever let me know because we're both not boozing and we want to go check out some shit like that. Alright that is the podcast for this week. God bless all of you. Have a happy Thanksgiving.

If you're not in this country have a happy fucking Thursday. Alright that's it. Have a great week. Go fuck yourselves. you you